This article, predicting much greater coal consumption by China and India than the IEA, Yakov & Partners, and Sinopec, was posted to this subreddit before, but there was little discussion of the actual arguments made by the "superforecasters", probably because they were hidden away in the graphs showing the predictions. Here they are (each forecaster gave six predictions in total, covering China and India's coal consumption in 2026, 2030, and 2035) - do you think they are good arguments?
From forecaster predicting 4,963 Mt of coal consumption in China in 2026

The main two questions dominating this forecast for me are general predictions of peak coal and the relationship between coal consumption and economic growth (coupled with forecasts of Chinese growth over the next years). First, China’s ‘Dual Carbon’ goals set out by Xi Jinping in 2020 outline peak carbon emissions by 2030 and carbon neutrality by 2060. Of course, coal is not the only contributor to Chinese carbon emissions, and this goal might be unrealistic given the growth of coal consumption since 2020. SINOPEC on the other hand puts the predicted date of peak coal at around 2025 (https://daxtromn-power.com/blogs/news/sinopec-forecasts-peak-in-china's-coal-consumption-around-2025). This prediction is somewhat more optimistic than that of some recent academic research using optimized grey model that predicts that “coal consumption in China and India will continue to rise over the next five years” (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0360544221030358), though this builds on 2020 data and as such may be consistent with the former. This rough peak date of mid-to-late 2020s is also supported by academic work using system dynamics analysis putting the predicted time at 2027 (https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fenvs.2022.974763/full). Second, there has been quite some discussion in the academic literature on the relationship between economic growth and coal consumption in China. One strand of work looks at intensity effects (investigating how changes in coal consumption may result from changes in coal intensity, i.e., the amount of coal units used per economics output). This paper (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0301479721019745?casa_token=JBy-zAuscS4AAAAA:2XeKft1HtziolUxdhzkDz0nr8B0ecjJvdCALy-G2IpXJmlZ1J1zfKv7kuIdGWy3KIIKoE3Rv2cA#bib55) finds a positive effect, suggesting that improvements in efficiency and secondary industries can reduce overall coal intensity. However, economic growth remains the main driver of this, even though the relationship between economic growth and coal consumption has weakened (though proper decoupling has not happened). This result has also been found by other papers (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0301421522000374?casa_token=ur4I9csWPxMAAAAA:XvDnZS6_X4l6EF3B_cUEFbj37kZI-yj05pZekJnnRrpOpaQ8oJir3EQyqQXWLHavl3USIpYsMtE). Overall, these results point to a consistent relationship between economic growth and coal consumption, though this relationship is expected to weaken as the Chinese economy advances technologically. Putting these together as a baseline with respect to our forecasting questions, I agree with the rough picture that peak coal before 2026 is very unlikely (10% at best). I also think that the academic results with respect to the weak(ening) relationship between economic growth and coal consumption are likely to hold. However, I do anticipate Chinese growth to slow down substantially over the next years, with there already being quite substantial heterogeneity as to their current growth rate, reported to be over 5%, though unlikely to actually be that. Additionally, while renewable energy is unlikely to replace coal consumption any time soon, their status in the Chinese economy is likely to have substantial effects from around 2030 onwards (both in terms of price pressures in the context of solar but also with respect to the country’s image and the subsequent subsidies afforded to the renewable sector and away from coal as citizen’s concerns for clean air are likely to become more relevant as the rest of the economy advances). For 2026, I anticipate a slowing but consistent growth to about 4950 Mt, with a substantially heavier right tail.

From forecaster predicting 5,020 Mt of coal consumption in China in 2026

IEA's consistent under forecast factor of 2.8%, as mentioned by my fellow forecaster, would yield a corrected forecast of 4,927 MT for 2026. The slow down in the Chinese economy, particularly in the housing market, should lead to a slow-down in demand. This is likely to be offset by an increase in military production and a post-Covid peak return to normalcy of movement within China. Paradoxically the move towards EVs will diminish gas consumption at the cost of electric energy demand, partially driven by coal. China plans to increase their coal plant capacity by ~1/3. Why would they do this is if they do not expect a significant increase in demand? The current average age of coal plants in China is 13 years. They already have this sunk cost, with nearly 3 decades of life remaining in the existing capacity. Anything short of massive calamitous events that force a political recalculation, are unlikely to see a short term decrease in coal consumption. Green energy capacity is increasing, but not at a rate to cover the additional demand for energy, especially in a warming world. https://globalenergymonitor.org/projects/global-coal-plant-trackedashboard/

From forecaster predicting 5,022 Mt of coal consumption in China in 2026

In forecasting it's actually a good thing if you can find a person or institution that is consistently wrong. Fivethirtyeight had this insight with certain pollsters, finding that if they adjusted for partisan biases, the pollsters became a lot more reliable.The China 2026 coal forecast is therefore fairly straightforward, since I found that the past forecasting errors on the part of IEA offer a remarkable consistency of about 2.8 percentage points per year. My guess is this is basically the optimism bias that one finds in forecasting, often by people who admittedly have good intentions. Using that method a floor would then be 4,927 Mt for 2026, assuming no errors for IEA's 2023 estimate. Assuming that error does apply for 2023 (which would have been a winning strategy in past years) gets me to 5,022 for a 2026 median, which is higher than the IEA's 4,535 Mt. Then I have the right tail be longer than the left, given the experience of the past couple years. So overall the compound annual growth rate (CAGR) for these years should come to around 2.6%. This makes intuitive sense, since the long-term CAGR through 2017 was 2.7%, with an acceleration to 4.0% for the 2017-22 period.
According to globalenergymonitor.org, China has maintained a pace of issuing permits for 2 new coal power plants per week. Some of this is simply an offsetting of decommissioned old plants of course--according to the coal plant tracker dashboard, 2023 is looking like 136 GW in new construction for China but 120 GW of retirements. With China's energy consumption growing by 6% in 2023 according to IEA though, coal will remain part of the mix for the time being.
On the steel side of the ledger (this being the other major use of coal, to heat the metal), China's steel industry has been in the doldrums for a few years now, with only a slight increase in production in 2023. There are no expectations by the steel industry of higher profits or more stimulus coming (source). So because of all that, I don't expect much increase in coal consumption from that sector.
Finally, it's notable that ten years ago the forecasts for the peak were for around 2020, including by the Chinese government (see pages 3 and 45 here) At the moment Sinopec forecasts peak coal consumption for China to come in 2025. I would probably go more for the latter part of this decade given the momentums, but I think the key point is that the clean energy takeover in China has indeed been pushed back 5 to 10 years.

From forecaster predicting 5,038 Mt of coal consumption in China in 2026

As another forecaster points out, China has been on a bit of a coal burning spree recently: the pre-2017 CAGR was 2.7%, but it accelerated to 4.0% for the 2017-22 period. This was partly due to power shortages that some provinces of China experienced, particularly in 2021 and 2022. Meanwhile, poor rainfall in recent years combined with a decline in Chinese dam projects since 2015 meant that hydropower was unable to pick up the slack; as a percentage of electricity production, hydro actually fell from around 19% in 2014 to less than 16% in 2022, and utilisation was close to historic lows. Rainfall picked up in the summer of 2023, however, and this may stay high in 2024, which is one reason we might expect coal consumption not to increase too sharply and why the IEA might even be right that coal consumption will have peaked in 2023.
How did China increase its coal power generation? According to Global Energy Monitor’s Global Coal Plant Tracker, they revived previously cancelled and shelved projects and approved brand new ones. In 2023, it added almost 50,000 MW and retired less than 4,000 MW.
But just as renewable electricity capacity is not the same as renewable electricity generation (it makes up over 50% of China’s capacity but only about 26% of its generation), additional coal capacity doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be drawn on, as Hannah Ritchie points out. Indeed, coal consumption and coal-based electricity generation did fall around 2014 despite much more coal power capacity having been added than retired in the years preceding this. If the increase in renewable generation can outpace the increase in power demand for the first time, this could happen again.
That said, if Ritchie is right about coal plants being uneconomical (China is offering coal producers capacity payments to keep their plants online even when they’re not being used), this is arguably a sign that China is serious about utilising them at the expense of solar and wind (which have their own economic problems, absent good storage capabilities). Since power plant approvals are now decentralised, provincial leaders may judge that it’s better for the economy as a whole to avoid blackouts of a few hours even if coal plants become stranded assets. Most of the countries (Switzerland, France, Sweden, Iceland) that have managed to create a low-carbon or zero-carbon electricity system rely heavily on some mix of n***, hydro and geothermal, and China is only planning on producing 10% of its electricity from n*** by 2035.
Also, the IEA has been too optimistic in the past as a colleague notes, and I’d give more credence to the analyses cited by my colleagues suggesting that coal consumption will peak later this decade (although some these analyses seem to think coal consumption will ‘peak’ at a figure lower than the 2022 and 2023 figures, which is a bit confusing). Finally, a conflict between China and Taiwan could cause demand to stagnate or fall, as could a lacklustre economy (which will also impact steel production). On the other hand, it could cause China to ramp up coal production.
Overall, I don’t think coal consumption in 2026 will be as high as some forecasters are predicting (based on an extrapolation of recent trends), because hydropower may regress toward mean utilisation levels after falling close to historical lows during the drought in 2021 and 2022, while additional solar and wind capacity (even with low utilisation rates) may finally start to shoulder a significant part of the extra demand. However, I don’t think it will be as low as the IEA is projecting because solar and wind still have limitations (as discussed by others), n****** and hydropower probably aren’t sufficient for coal to peak in 2023, and the IEA has historically underestimated coal consumption. A peak in the latter half of the decade appears more plausible, especially as this is what China itself is signalling will happen.

continued in comments

https://nymag.com/intelligencearticle/jamaal-bowman-george-latimer-primary-israel.html
The Most Endangered Democrat in America Jamaal Bowman might lose his job over Israel.
By Ross Barkan
Jamaal Bowman, the two-term congressman from Westchester County and the would-be future of the progressive left, is tired of the questions about George Latimer. "Yeah, I mean, I think it says something about his character, his integrity, and his actual leadership for the district. But enough of him. When are we going to talk about me?"
We're at Salsa Picante, a Mexican restaurant in Port Chester, the heavily Latino village on the eastern reaches of the 16th congressional district. It's late April, and Bowman, munching on chicken empanadas, is in a cheery mood, despite my prodding on Latimer. The night before, Summer Lee, a fellow progressive in Congress, had survived a furious primary challenge, and Bowman senses a pattern. "Salut!" he calls out. "I'm excited, hopefully, for the whole progressive movement to zero in on NY-16. Let's get to work."
The work is daunting. Bowman, less than two months from the June 25 primary, is one of the most endangered Democratic incumbents in America. This is in spite of — or because of — his charisma and budding celebrity, his ability to slash through the noise of 435 House members and command attention on a scale only one or two levels removed from Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. A former public-school principal and self-described hip-hop head, Bowman marries her online savvy with a deft working-class touch. Burly and boisterous, with a knack for whipping up crowds, it is not hard to imagine him as a future presidential candidate, storming through South Carolina with a pack of reporters hanging on his every word.
But first he needs to win. And Latimer, the sitting Westchester County executive, has outraised him in the primary, thanks in part to the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) — the conservative, ardently pro-Israel political powerhouse that is seeking to crush the pro-Palestinian movement and the left itself. "They do not want any critique, they do not want any accountability, and so what it looks like to people in my district and around the country is that Israel can do whatever it wants even though, to people on the outside looking in, it looks completely wrong and horrible," Bowman says of AIPAC. "One, it doesn't represent all the Jews. It doesn't represent all the Jews in Israel!"
"If Israel represents all the Jews," Bowman continues, revving up now, "and if Israel is doing bad things without accountability, some idiot in the street just makes the connection that, Oh, Jews must be bad because Israel is bad. That's fucking — excuse my language — that's effing scary, man, and dangerous. And as we fight antisemitism, that has to include accountability for Israel."
There was a time, not very long ago, when no member of Congress would speak this way. The Israeli government's response that has starved out Gaza and killed thousands of civilians has catalyzed a new era though. Mass protests have flooded the streets and rocked college campuses, including two, Columbia and City College, that are only a short drive from Westchester. Bowman has been an AIPAC target for his support of conditioning military aid to Israel and his willingness to label the military campaign in Gaza a "genocide," among other criticism lodged at the Jewish state. "AIPAC is one of the most powerful lobbies in America. Well you know what we have got to say to AIPAC? Bring it on," he said at his campaign kickoff earlier this year. "AIPAC, bring it on. We are not scared of none of that. I'm from the streets of New York."
In this deeply polarized moment, with Israel hawks reasserting themselves and the pro-Palestinian movement booming, few primaries in America offer a starker contrast between two candidates.
In one corner is Bowman, 48, the first Black congressman from Westchester who, just four years ago, unseated one of the staunchest Israel defenders in Congress, Eliot Engel. He immediately joined Ocaso-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, and Rashida Tlaib as one of the nation's leading progressives. Latimer, meanwhile, is a 70-year-old county executive, ex-state senator, ex-assemblyman, and ex-Rye councilman. (He also had a career, as he likes to remind voters, in marketing and sales.) After October 7, AIPAC asked Latimer to run against Bowman. "I was a reluctant bride," he told me in May, less than 24 hours after the NYPD had raided Columbia's campus to arrest the protesters who had occupied Hamilton Hall.
I met Latimer at the Mount Vernon Metro North station, where he dutifully passed out palm cards ("Good morning, I'm George Latimer, I'm on the ballot") to the few dreary commuters who ambled through. A couple lit up when they recognized him and one man, who was white, seemed to lament "identity politics" while promising his vote to Latimer. And it's easy to make this race, as much as it's become about Israel, about race: Latimer is the white ethnic, Irish and Italian, trying to depose a congressman who told me racism is the number-one issue facing the district and that he views himself, as the first Black man to hold this congressional seat, as a role model to Black youth throughout the area.
The district, which also ropes in a sliver of the northern Bronx including the sprawling and Bowman-friendly Co-op City, is both diverse and plenty segregated, with towns of immense wealth like Scarsdale lying within half-hour drives from working-class Yonkers. It's about 40 percent white, 29 percent Hispanic, and 21 percent Black. Bowman's trouble is that the white, well-heeled vote has soured on him, and Jews are expected to flock to Latimer. Jerry Skurnik, a Democratic consultant and data analyst, estimates that as much as 15 percent of the Democratic electorate who turn out in the primary might be Jewish. A conservative group, Westchester Unites, undertook an effort to register Jewish Republicans as Democrats to impact the primary, in an implicit effort to boost Latimer and undercut Bowman.
Both campaigns agree that Israel alone is not what motivates voters in Westchester and the Bronx, who are mostly consumed with the cost of living. Bowman, as a national figure, may be vulnerable to the very attacks that he once leveled against Engel: He's too high-flown to care adequately about quotidian Westchester concerns. "He has a different brand of politics which appeals more so to getting clicks and likes and retweets and making headlines versus someone who has delivered," said Tyrae Woodson-Samuels, the majority leader of the Westchester County Board of Legislators and a Latimer supporter.
Latimer is the rare insurgent who also profiles as an incumbent and can theoretically neutralize some of the attacks he's taking from the left. If, on Israel, Latimer has held to the rightward fringe of his own party — he refused, in his conversation with me, to support Chuck Schumer's call for Netanyahu to step aside — he is, on almost every other issue, a conventional, center-left Democrat. Until challenging Bowman, he regularly took the Working Families Party ballot line and earned plaudits from progressives for ousting Rob Astorino, his right-wing Republican predecessor as county executive.
"There are lots of people who really like both candidates," says Evan Roth Smith, a Democratic pollster. "For many voters, the most loyal Democratic voters who do turn out in these kinds of primaries, it's sort of like picking between mom and dad."
Latimer, in that sense, was the dream recruit for AIPAC and Democratic Majority for Israel, another influential PAC that is spending heavily in Democratic primaries to bludgeon progressives. His knowledge of the district is encyclopedic and he shows up at every town board meeting, chicken dinner, and parade imaginable; he tells me he's at train stations five days a week and bagel shops on weekends. He has the ability to cut into Bowman's Black support, with endorsements from the Democratic committees in Yonkers and Mount Vernon. Bowman has won the backing of the influential health-care workers' union 1199 SEIU, but Latimer has racked up his own support from civil-service, transit, and firefighters' unions. In his Facebook musings on classic rock and the Knicks, he comes off as earnest and homespun, a Mr. Fix-It paterfamilias.
The cash, though, is anything but homespun. Latimer, never a prolific fundraiser before, banked $3 million at the end of March, double Bowman's haul, and there are top donors who are either AIPAC-affiliated or cut checks to Donald Trump, including Alex Campos, Alex Dubitsky, and Stephen and Carolyn Lauro, who once hosted a Long Island fundraiser for Trump. Another donor is Daniel Loeb, the hedge-fund billionaire who accused Latimer's old ally, the Black State Senate majority leader Andrea Stewart-Cousins, of doing "more damage to people of color than anyone who has ever donned a hood" because she wasn't a supporter of charter schools, is another donor.
"You're the reason why these guys are donating to me — because of what you said and done," Latimer says of Bowman at the New Rochelle Diner after finishing at the Mount Vernon train stop. "I'm not even soliciting them. I have an event, they send checks. It's not going to change what I do in Congress, Ross, I'm going to be a very progressive congressman on most policy issues."
"It's deeply disturbing that the Latimer campaign is being financed by many of the same people trying to elect Trump," says Jasmine Gripper, the co-director of the Working Families Party's New York chapter. "He's accepting financing from people actively working against the Democratic Party."
The real threat for Bowman is the super-PAC spending. AIPAC and DMFI together can blow past $20 million, if they choose, in attack ads and mail. (AIPAC did not respond to a request for comment.) And he offers them enough fodder, like a House censure for pulling a false fire alarm when Democrats were trying to stall a vote, which Bowman told me was an accident and Latimer believes was intentional. Blog posts Bowman wrote more than a decade ago appeared to give credence to 9/11 conspiracy theories and last week his YouTube page following conspiracy accounts became news. More recently, he was forced to apologize after lavishing praise on Norman Finkelstein, the acerbic anti-Israel scholar, at a panel discussion.
"Bowman has been one of the most anti-Israel members of the entire United States Congress," charges Mark Mellman, the president of DMFI. "If he is defeated, it will send a strong message to the rest of the country." Justice Democrats, the group that helped launch politicians like Bowman into orbit and is fighting desperately now to save him, would not disagree with that last part. "It's absolutely a threat to the progressive movement and I think we have to be clear-eyed about what's at stake here," Usamah Andrabi, the group's communications director, tells me. "The same people spending millions to try to elect Donald Trump and prevent Hakeem Jeffries from being speaker of the House are also spending millions to try to send George Latimer to Congress."
Latimer, who once falsely accused Bowman of taking money "from Hamas," argues the AIPAC cash has only arrived because he was already, long before the primary, genuinely pro-Israel. He also believes Bowman invited their wrath. "If Mike Tyson was in the room and I decided to go over to Mike Tyson and say, 'Hey Mike Tyson, bring it on, yo,' what do I think Mike Tyson might do to me? Whatever I used to be, I wouldn't be the same person after he finished with me."
Latimer has a fondness for analogies. He's sitting with me and his campaign spokeswoman, and there are three paunchy, middle-aged men at a table near us, sipping coffee. "You shouldn't return hostages as part of a negotiation. You should just return them. If someone came into this room, for the sake of argument — terrible analogy, I'm about to make — somebody came into this room and killed those three guys and me, wounded you, and kidnapped her, what right do they have to hold onto her? What right? This is not, 'Let's negotiate now.' Four dead bodies, you're wounded, and she's kidnapped, and God only knows what they did to the people they kidnapped. Now let's ceasefire and have a negotiation? That's ridiculous."
Latimer refuses to critique the Israeli military strategy in Gaza or declare he would, as a congressman, ask the U.S. government to condition military aid to Israel, as Biden has done in opposition to a potential Israel attack on Rafah. Unlike Bowman, he's supportive of the police crackdowns on pro-Palestinian college protests and gladly associates himself with Israel hawks Ritchie Torres, John Fetterman, and Hakeem Jeffries, the AIPAC ally and House Democratic leader who has tempered his own outward pugilism since ascending to the top of his party. Jeffries has endorsed Bowman, a courtesy to an incumbent, but he has not tried to restrain AIPAC.
One irony of the primary is that Bowman, in 2021, broke with the Democratic Socialists of America over his support for funding the Iron Dome, an Israeli missile-defense system, and visiting Israel with J Street, the liberal (and much smaller) counter to AIPAC. J Street, still proudly Zionist, rescinded their endorsement earlier this year after Bowman began, like many activists, to speak of the Gaza death toll in terms of genocide.
Bowman tells me he is for, like almost every American politician, a two-state solution: a nation for the Jews and a nation for the Palestinians. Many of the most prominent activist groups in the nation today, like Within Our Lifetime and Jewish Voice for Peace, call for a single, multinational democratic state that wouldn't necessarily guarantee a Jewish numerical majority — something that even most leftists in elected office shy away from.
I ask Bowman if Israel should always have a Jewish majority. Strikingly, unlike a vast majority of American politicians, he doesn't answer immediately in the affirmative. "It might have been the day after or definitely the weekend after we won against Congressman Engel — who's my guy, Peter Beinart, wrote a one-state piece that I thought was brilliant, I thought it was phenomenal," he says. "Some of this stuff is, like, I'm not Jewish, man, you know? So I don't want to be talking out of turn about Jewish issues. I'm also not Palestinian, right? It's the same kind of deal but because my values are rooted in human rights and I know my district well, I have to comment on these things. And I do."
"I want Palestinians to be free from occupation and apartheid and I want Jews to be safe — and Palestinians to be safe, of course. How do we do that?" he adds. "Jews should have a safe place to exist. What that looks like, the details of that, let's figure that out. That is not Jews are safe, Palestinians are under occupation — those two things can't co-exist anymore."
It would be an exaggeration to say that the future of the progressive movement hinges on the outcome of this one primary. With or without Bowman, the Squad will be larger than it was four years ago, and the activists in the streets won't be deterred if Latimer is sworn into Congress. Unconditional support for Israel is no longer a guarantee within the Democratic Party — look no further than Schumer applying the sort of pressure on the Netanyahu government that AIPAC loathes.
But a Bowman defeat would deprive the left of one of its most prominent voices at a moment when Establishment forces have regrouped from some of their losses over the last decade. The prospect of this not only makes AIPAC giddy but thrills moderate Democrats who are weary of the media attention and influence the Squad perpetually commands. The fear, for progressives, is that this primary could offer an obvious roadmap for the future: hunt out popular — or possibly venal — local politicians who are willing to target leftists and promise them a bounty of campaign cash and super-PAC spending if they take the plunge. Some more just might.

As the title says, I was bored, so I wrote some kind of a "mini script" for this movie. Since it's (probably) not happening, I thought it would be fun to write it down. The title was inspired by a previous post on fantasticbeasts sub, so credits to the OP. So here goes:
Fantastic Beasts 4: The Choice of Scamander
As the title hints the main leads of this movie are Newt and Theseus Scamander. The movie focuses on their relations, their background and their future choices as the wizarding world is on a brink of war.
Setting: After Vicencia Santos has been chosen as the new head magocrat, the wizarding world is divided more than ever. Many wizards do not agree with the qilin's choice and are tiered from the status quo, they want change. So despite not being chosen, Grindelwald has actually gained popularity all around the world. The largest European ministries of magic (German, Italian, Austrian, Spanish, Hungarian, Bulgarian) all openly support him. Even the British magical society is deeply divided over the topic. The most powerful and influential British wizard family, the noble House of Black, has been the first to start openly supporting him and his cause, and soon others of their pure blood kin started to join the train (e.g the Malfoys). Macusa is similarly divided. With both Macusa and the British Ministry deeply divided and on the brink of a civil war, the Russian (now Soviet) ministry is probably the only force in the world still powerful enough to stop Grindelwald.... knowing that, Grindelwald went to Sankt Petersburg (now Leningrad) to negotiate a deal and have the Soviets join him. Dumbledore, knowing that it would mean the end of all hope for Grindelwald to ever be stopped, has to sabotage the negotiations.
Plot: Out of "total coincidence" Newt happens to be in Russia at the time, chasing the Kolodrome, an extremely rare horse like creature, pretty much a legend even amongst wizards, native to Siberia and Uralus region of Russia with the power to bring massive snowstorms where ever it moves and turn even the hottest summer into the coldest of winters. Of course, after being tipped off by Dumbledore that a Kolodrome has been sited in Russia, Newt couldn't resist the urge and went straight to Russia.
Meanwhile, Dumbledore assembles a team of four skilled wizards with a task of sabotaging the negotiations and make a mess akin to Berlin. The team consist of Theseus Scamander and Tina Goldstein, heads of British and American auror offices, Lally Hicks Ilvermorny professor and Dumbledore's trusted friend, and Bunty Broadcare Newt's trusted assistent.
Newt and Tina relation has been complicated to say the least after the last film. They've been hanging out a lot, they certainly behave like a couple and are crazy for one another obviously, but aren't the official couple yet since neither had the guts to make the big first move. Throughout the whole movie Tina is in a kind of personal conflict: "OK, this has gone long enough, today I'm gonna kiss him and ask him weather we're making it official! OK, maybe this is not the right moment, but right after this."
The team arrives to Leningrad and are divided much like Berlin on each having a special tasks. Newt has managed to tame the Kolodrome and is reunited with the group. Theseus and Newt get into conflict all of a sudden, with Theseus claiming Newt was irresponsible as always. Bunty is reunited with Newt too, and it's obvious here how she and Newt are a perfect team, and that makes Tina jealous a bit.
Because of Newt's and Theseus rivalry, they're separated into different teams. First team is made by Newt and Tina and they do what they do best, go to the Soviet ministry and make a total chaos. Russian ministry is also famous for keeping the Svarogs, a special cat like beings that can look into your heart and mind and tell the location of a thing you're looking for. Newt steals some of those along the way. And as it usually works for Newt, his suitcase gets into trouble along the way, the Kolodrome escaped and leaves chaos and half the ministry frozen (in summer) and is running wild all over Leningrad bringing winter with it. Of course that's bad and means huge trouble for both Newt and the Soviet ministry, but works perfectly according to Dumbledore's plan.
All along the way, besides talking about their relationship and Tina's "I'm gonna kiss him, OK not now, now is not a good time, but the very next opportunity", they're also talking a lot about Newt's relation with Theseus and we get to see lots of Newt's flashbacks about his relations with Theseus. How they're alike and how are they different.
At the same time Lally and Theseus form a different team, with a task of infiltrating the Soviet ministry and finding out about their secret agenda... and again Theseus is reflecting about his relationship with Newt a lot, but this time from his point of view, we get to see flashbacks here too.
Flashbacks that happen from either Newt or Theseus, we see their relations explored from in depth, starting from the time of their childhood, through Hogwarts years and after Hogwarts up to the point of the start of the first movie. We see how Theseus has always been that popular big brother stereotype, while Newt was that shy and awkward little brother. Theseus has always both had a need to protect him and to make him into a more popular and socially accepted kid, while Newt pretty much only always wanted to live and study his magical creatures. However rivalry existed through years, and got bigger, they still had that deep brotherly connection as we've seen in previous films.
At least one of the falshbacks takes us back to Hogwarts, where Theseus, Hufflepuff's quidditch team captain wants Newt in the team too, but Newt is reluctant and joins only after seeing how much Leta was interested in quidditch.
Throughout the falshbacks Theseus reflects on his life. On the surface his life seems almost perfect, yet it wasn't. On the surface, he's the successful and envied brother, Newt should be looking up to him.. but that's not what happened at all. It was the opposite all along. He spent a huge part of his life chasing after Newt, wanting to change him, to make him what he'd like him to be. And Newt on the other hand always got what he wanted with not that many efforts. Unlike Theseus, things always worked out for Newt the way he wanted them. That made Theseus envious. Even Leta was in love with Newt all along, something Theseus realized just now.
And here's where a major plot twist happens. Lally has been working for Grindelwald all along as a double agent. Her task has always been to spy on Dumbledore from within, but secretly she's been plotting to get what Grindelwald always wanted but couldn't have, Theseus Scamander. A war hero, a popular figure amongst the Wizards in Britain and all around the world, him siding with Grindelwald would give Grindelwald a huge advantage in popularity and legitimacy. Grindelwald has been secretly trying to bring Theseus to his side all along, "Mister Scamander, do you truly believe Dumbledore will morn for you?". Lally has been subtly working to bring Theseus to Grindelwald's side all along, saying he doesn't have to live his life the way he does, there are other ways around, opportunity is around the corner, etc...
Meanwhile, Bunty using her abilities to blend in easily, infiltrates herself amongst Grindelwald's followers and looks to sabotage the negotiations from within. When the negotiations finally happen, and all sides come together, Dumbledore's plan works, all chaos breaks loose, the negotiations fail, Grindelwald leaves. But not before Dumbledore and the team get caught by the Soviets.
Two major plot twists happen, first the Soviets are furious. The plan was never to actually side with Grindelwald, the plan was to lead him into a trap and capture him. To take him to Siberia in the Russian magical prison, the most notorious prison in the world for which Azkhaban seems like a flower garden. Grindelwald would be done for forever. But thanks to Dumbledore's "brilliant" plan, the plan has failed and now the Soviets are on the brink of war, expecting Grindelwald to attack soon. The Sovient think they should just imprison Dumbledore instead for basically dragging the world into a global war, but he is still a powerful wizard and they'll need all the help they can get to stop Grindelwald now.
The other major twist is that as usual, Teddy the Niffler has escaped the suitcase and tried to steal a shiny gem from one of Grindelwald's followers, has managed to get to the gem at the same moment Grindelwald and his followers left, getting teleported away with them. Newt and Bunty notice that, use Bunty's talents to escape from the Soviets undetected and Svarog powers to find out that Teddy has been taken to Budapest, Hungary. So they go after them. After some chase through the city they finally manage to find Teddy and get into conflict with Grindelwald's followers, led by Rosier, the newly "elect" French minister of magic. Newt and Bunty manage to defeat Grindelwald's followers and rescue Teddy.
Meanwhile Tina has noticed Newt gone, knowing that as always he got himself in trouble so using Svarog's powers again she locates him in Budapest and follows. She comes to the spot just after the duel has ended. Rosier, defeated sees Tina approaching so as a last f u to Newt, she uses the Imperius curse on him and makes him kiss Bunty passionately and then she disappears. Tina, not knowing about the curse, only sees Newt and Bunty kissing and we see her running away in tears. This was her biggest defeat, Leta was more of a memory, a projection. Bunty was a living and breathing girl, perfect team with Newt, in love with him head to toe. She thinks she has truly lost Newt this time.
Bunty, while enjoying the kiss for a moment is quick to realize it wasn't real, so she snaps out of it and cancels the imperious curse. Newt doesn't remember a thing, while Bunty mysteriously laughs... both unaware of the damage it has brought.
At the closing we discover that Teddy has stolen a ruby which is actually a key to Grindelwald's secret vault in the largest and safest wizarding bank in the world in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, where he must be keeping his precious secrets. While Theseus and Lally go to Grindelwald where Theseus pledges to his service.
The movie also has two minor sub plots: First is about Credence and is a few scenes long. We see that Credence is reunited with his family and Nagini, all living in Hogsmead. Albus and Aberforth learn Credence how to control his powers and use wands properly. They reflect his situation on Ariana and see him as a chance to fix their past wrongdoings. That however doesn't make Credence happy, the only time when he's happy is when he's with Nagini, and they soon have their kiss. Credence is finally happy with Nagini and wants to live, she is the cure for his obscurum and helps him keep it in check. His situation is getting better.
The second really minor plot, like one scene long is about Jacob and Queenie, who are hardly present in this movie, much like Tina in SoD. We first see them in the beginning when they try to live in secret, concealed from Macusa. And in the end when they discover Queenie is pregnant, so Jacob has to sneak her out of New York, so they secretly board the ship to London.
Edit: I also have a general idea for the 5th movie "mini script", but not that well thought out and leaves a lot of plot points hanging, so I'm going all GRRM and will write it "soon enough". This post is already a length of a novel on it's own.

I like to do random book reports on wrestlers and such I post in other subs and was curious if anyone here would appreciate these stories? If not let me know and I won't post here again.
It's one of the few wrestling books not presented in chronological order, so if you think it's odd this because I had to put it all in order myself. Each chapter is just random stories that jump back and forth from 1999 - 2015, so it was admittedly not easy to follow. I try to do all these reports in chronological order, though, so I did my best in that regard. But be warned, I may have messed up the timeframe on one or two occasions. I hope you can find something interesting...
Brian makes a quick joke about nepotism, but it's clear he kinda benefited from it. His uncle Howard Gerwitz is a moderately successful TV writer and producer with a ton of credits to his name from the 80s and 90s. Howard got Brian some of his early gigs, and while Brian tries to present himself as a naive kid who was giving good ideas and jokes to other writers, his uncle had to sit him down and tell him Brian needs to step up and that a lot of other writers would kill for his opportunities.
After several failed tv show writing credits, Brian found himself out of work and collecting unemployment for nearly a year. Until his sister, who worked at MTV, called him up, saying MTV is producing a ton of vignets for the SummerSlam 1999 ppv, and she got him the gig as writer for the vignets
While working those MTV vignets, he heard MTV wasn't happy that their exclusive match was just Hardy Boyz vs. Edge and Christian. I guess MTV got to air a match exclusively on their network and felt cheated when they didn't get Undertaker vs. Stone Cold.
Brian got to work with a ton of stars like Hardyz, Edge/Christian, Mick Foley, and Triple H, who he immediately got on the wrong side of. Brian didn't know Chyna would be there and so hadn't written anything for her. Brian says Triple H was very professional but was obviously annoyed and asked why Chyna had no lines.
Brian says he met The Rock for the first time here and kick-start a 2 decade-long partnership from here. Brian remembers how Rock read what Brian wrote for him, liked it, but then said the same thing he would say every single time Brian presented Rock material, "This is great, but how can we make it better?"
Brian says The Rock asked him to consider writing for the WWF and got him an interview. The first interview was basic "get to know you" with human resources. The next interview was with Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara. Brain calls Ed friendly, but he says Russo clearly just wanted it over with asap.
His next interview was with Shane McMahon, and while Brian says Shane is one of the warmest and nicest men he knows, his first impression was the opposite of that. Brian also remembers saying something about the Mets, to which Shane responded with "I'm a Yankees fan."
His final interview was with Vince McMahon, and Brian said they hit it off immediately, and it was like 2 old friends talking. Vince told Brian that the WWF would make him an offer he couldn't refuse. The offer was to write for their website, and Brian refused it.
Brian instead went to work on the show "Big Wolf On Campus" for the Fox Kids channel. (Side note: as a Canadian who grew up with YTV and Fox kids, this show was something of a guilty pleasure of my 11 year old self. Of course, Brian worked on it. I even did a dumb reddit post on it on the ytv retro subreddit group, lol.
After Russo and Ferarra jumped to WCW, Brian got a call back from WWF, and this time, as a writer for their tv shows.
Brian's first day was November 1st, 1999, and he remembers sitting in the production meeting and being uncomfortable because Vince didn't introduce him and about 60 wrestlers were staring at him and wondering what he was doing there.
The only other writer on staff was Tommy Blacha, and he took Brian under his wing. They had zero writing assignments, so they walked around with a pen and paper and asked random wrestlers if they needed help with a promo.
Brian remembers Tommy introducing him to everyone and even commenting on some people like, "No one knows what Sgt Slaughter does here."
After the show, he drove to the next town with Tommy, and the McMahon's, Shane driving, Vince in passenger, and Steph in the back with Tommy and Brian.
At one point, Vince said, "This is where we would dump your body if you did a bad job," and for some reason, Brian stupidly said, "Is that what happened to KoKo B Wear?" Brian said what followed was a very awkward and long silence.
Brian makes a note on the difference between writing WWE now and back then. He said he and Tommy would meet with Vince and Shane in Vince's hotel room the morning of the show and write the whole thing. Brian says Stephanie's job was to take food orders and say she wasn't a writer, but within a year, she would be head of creative.
Brian says if they were back in the hotel room on Monday night, they would put on WCW Nitro to laugh at while they planned the next show. He remembers Vince quoting a line from Nitro as hilariously bad whenever someone had a bad idea.
Brian remembers how one time Vince McMahon randomly said in a meeting, "What kind of name is AL Snow? That's awful!" And no one was talking about or bringing up Al Snow.
Brian remembers Vince once telling him that there was nothing funnier than someone stepping in dog shit, and if he could film an entire show of just that, he would.
Brian says in January 2000, Shane insisted on the writers learning what it's like to take a bump. They did a bit of basic stuff like a flat back and running the ropes, but Brian tapped out after 10 minutes. He says later, Bubba Ray Dudley gave him a powerbomb from the second rope as a bunch of wrestlers stopped watching. He says it knocked the wind out of him bad.
Brian says he got some of the boys to participate in Royal Rumble pools, where each guy would put $10 in the pot and pick a royal rumble number. If their number won, they would win the pot. At the 2000 Rumble, Al Snow was told he would be coming out at number 20, and Brian remembers Al just getting pissed off because number 20 was his Rumble Pool number. Brian remembers Al saying, "Ah shit, there goes $10 down the drain."
Brian says he got into a heated argument with Vince McMahon on Wrestlemania weekend in 2000 and was later told by Kevin Dunn to learn how to eat shit and like it.
One time, Brian used Vince's private office bathroom and accidentally locked himself in, missing a production meeting.
Brian remembers one time going over a promo with Degeneration-X and saying to them all, "Does anyone have any questions?" To which Billy Gunn replied with, "Yeah, who the fuck are you?"
Brian says he came up with the idea for The Rock to mock Triple H's speech cadence with the "uuuuhhh's" at the end of every sentence. He says Rock brought him to Triple H and Vince to suggest the idea and when it came time to demonstrate, Rock made Brian do it, saying, "Come on you do it like you did in the hallway, everyone was laughing!" Brian says his impression got a big laugh from Vince and nod from Triple H, but he could see the look on Triple H's face suggested otherwise.
Brian says he noticed Triple H started dropping the "Uuuhhh" pattern from his promos and thinks he deserves an apology. This is kind said tongue in cheek.
Brian says that Michael Cole would say the word "now" so much on air that Vince McMahon ended up fining Cole everytime he said the word, until Cole cut it out.
Brian says Triple H hated him from the start, and thinks the jokes about Stephanie McMahon that Brian wrote for Rock and Chris Jericho played a part in that. Brian remembers when Triple H was booked to lose to Brooklyn Brawler, that Triple H marched up to Brian backstage and said "This had to be you!"
Stone Cold didn't like Brian from the start, because Stone Cold left for a year the month that Brian started, and by the time Stone Cold came back, Vince was relying more on writers and Stone Cold even said in an interview with WWF Magazine that he wouldnt be taking orders from "some kid straight out of sitcom school."
Brian says most writers meetings would start with the question of "How is Stone Cold going to raise hell this week?" And Brian came to hate this because it felt forced. Vince wanted Brian to have a good relationship with Stone Cold but Steve was resistant at every turn. Austin would tell other guys like Bruce Pritchard and Micheal Hayes or later on Paul Heyman why he disagreed with an idea, but with Brian he would just say "Nope." And that was it.
Brian worked with The Rock on his legendary imitation promo leading up to the six man Hell in a Cell at Armageddon 2000. Brian said the promo pissed off the imitated guys quite a bit. In fact, he said Rock's exact words to Brian were, "Hey, great promo last night. By the way, the boys are fucking pissed!" After confirming with with Kurt Angle, whom Brian says he was friends with from the start, Brian realized he pissed off 5 top guys in one fell swoop. (I'd just say he pissed off 4 top guys and Rikishi)
Brian says he was known from that point on as a "Rock guy" and had a hard time working with other top stars like Stone Cold or Triple H.
Brian says Micheal Hayes and Bruce Pritchard joined the creative team in Feb 2001, though they worked in other roles prior to then. In JR's book, he describes Bruce as on the creative team as early as 1996 or 1997. Brian says Bruce was in Talent Relations prior to this, but according to JR that was only for a couple weeks between JJ Dillon and JR in the mid-90s.
Brian says he came up with the hilarious match finish where William Regal hit Big Show with the brass knuckles, only for Show to fall ontop of Regal and get the win.
Brian says he and Bruce Pritchard had to come up with backstories and personalities for all the XFL cheerleaders.
Brian remembers working on these awful vignents he and Bruce filmed with a bunch of XFL cheerleaders and players, saying he is still haunted by how bad they were.
Brian recalls an incident when Hayes and Pritchard tried to rib Brian, saying they are gonna tell Rock and Kurt Angle that Brian was bad mouthing them. An enraged Brain ended up slamming a hotel chair up against a wall. Stephanie told him the next day to take a couple days off. Brian says working nonstop on Wrestling and XFL stressed him to this point
In 2001, shortly after Wrestlemania that year, Brian remembers one day Edge gave him an action figure if The Flash superhero, but after Hardcore Holly saw this, the rumors started swirling that Edge & Christian were bribing writers for TV time. So Brian, Edge and Christian were hauled into "Wrestlers Court" to plead there case. "Wrestlers Court" was a silly concept where the boys would police themselves if someone backstage violated some unwritten rule, like a writer being friends with some of the boys. Brian found out about his "Wrestlers Court" hearing an hour before it happened.
Brian was warned by Stephanie McMahon that he should bring pizza and beer to "Wrestlers Court" so he got 1 large pizza and a six pack. Brian was shocked to find over 100 people present for "Wrestlers Court" including all the wrestlers, producers and even seamstresses and other random backstage officials.
One particular face present really pissed Brian off. It was fellow writer Jamie Morris, someone who started six months after Brian. Brian said this pissed him off so much, and so he marched up to Stephanie and told her Jamie has to leave. Brian said he would take his punishment but he won't have some asshole writer snickering in meetings and telling new writers about this. Brian said he was legit ready to quit. Brian says that to Stephanie's credit, she saw he was serious he was and had Jamie removed from the room.
Brian saw Triple H shaking his head in disgust at him as he sat next to Edge and Christian, with Brian trying to hide the 6 pack of beer under his chair. JBL was playing the role of "prosecution," Kane was the "baliff" and Undertaker was the "judge." JBL started by purposely mispronouncing Brian's last name trying to piss him off. Brian took the bait and told JBL to pronounce it right and then called this trial a sham. He expected a round of applause but instead was met with awkward silence and an even more pissed off Undertaker and Triple H.
Brian says Edge and Christian had been given a heads up because they had prepared a fake book as a gift titled "Edge and Christian's guide to kissing ass" and they got a big laugh from everyone. Brian was upset that they didn't warn him or invite him into their plan, because now all the heat had fallen on him.
Brian remembers Perry Saturn "testifying" at "Wrestlers Court" giving examples of all the times Brian failed to say hello or didn't shake Saturn's hand. Brian says he later imitated Saturn's testimony and that led to his moppy character arc. Brian says the moppy gimmick wasn't punishment of any kind and he genuinely thought it would get Saturn over.
Brian remembers XPac speaking as well and yelling a bunch of insults at Brian before Kane had to physically restrain XPac. Brian says he and XPac never got along, and again assumes it's because he wrote jokes for wrestlers to use against XPac in promos. Brian remembers one time he entered the male locker room and got yelled at by XPac because Brian wasn't talent. Brian remembers another time XPac yelled at Brian because Brian didn't recognize legend Lez Thatcher backstage once.
Hardcore Holly and Pat Patterson also testified with Holly detailing how he saw Edge give Brian the Flash toy and Pat screamed about Brian changes finishes to matches.
Paul Heyman testified about how Brian once said he didn't have to shake Funaki's hand. Brian explains how he had already greeted Funkai earlier that day but it didn't matter, it seemed like the writer was big shotting a beloved jobber.
Brian said he noticed Kurt Angle shaking his head in disgust because he was friends with Brian, but when JBL asked if Kurt wanted to speak, Kurt said no. Brian felt that was a betrayal. Brian said he also noticed Stone Cold get up and walk out of the room around this time. He thinks Stone Cold saw himself as above this silliness.
Undertaker dismissed the trial and afterwards Vince had a good laugh when he asked Brian how it went. Brian said it took him a while, but eventually he saw the honor in being the first writer ever sent to wrestlers court, that this is how the boys brought you in closer.
Pat Patterson later apologized to Brian for his remarks, with Pat saying he thought it was all a silly rib and didn't realize how upset some guys genuinely were. Paul Heyman later told Brian that the Dudley Boys had overheard their conversation about Funaki, so Paul felt like he had to say it first.
Brian would later ask Hardcore Holly if they were cool, to which Holly said "Fuck no!" And stormed off.
Brian quickly mentions how the guy who was managing the WWE restaurant in New York, actually stole over $400,000 while running the place until it closed down.
In 2002, after The Rock cut a scathing promo on NWO, where he called Kevin Nash, "Big Daddy Bitch" Brian says that Kevin Nash and Scott Hall were both pretty upset by the promo. Brian remembers how later when Nash got physical in the ring with Rock, there is a spot where he shoves Rock into the corner and screams in Rocks face, "Who's the bitch now!" Brian says Nash was legit hot over insult.
Brain seemed shocked when WWE announced a brand split and said there would be 2 creative teams, one headed by Paul Heyman, and one headed by Brian. Brian says he and Paul butted heads over everything and Paul would tell Brian, "It's okay we fight, I was hired to fight with you."
Brian and Paul heard the rosters for each show and considering how close Brian was to all the guys on SmackDown, he assumed that would be his show. All the guys on RAW were close with Heyman, so both guys were shocked when Vince gave RAW to Brian and SmackDown to Heyman. Brian thinks this was Vince trying to get each writer to get out of their comfort zones.
Brian said he pitched Stone Cold vs Brock Lesnar on free TV, citing how Hogan vs Andre at Shea Stadium in the early 80s didn't take away from their match at Wrestlemania 3. He says Vince and all the writers/ agents and producers debated this before Vince decided it was the right call. Obviously Stone Cold hated it and it was the breaking point to him walking out on the WWE. I've never heard it mention that it originally came from Brian though.
One time on a plane, Paul Heyman got so upset with Brian that he offered Brian 3 free punches to Paul, so long as Paul got just 1 free one after. Brian declined, despite an excited Shane McMahon offering to show Brian how to punch.
Brian says he was on a RAW conference call when someone randomly dropped out of the call. Everyone was accounted for so someone extra was listening in. The call was traced back to Paul Heyman's number, though Brian says Paul denies it was him.
Brian says he would mock and imitate Paul Heyman on those calls, and wonders how many times Paul was listening in. He also suggests that Paul was feeding dirt sheet websites disparaging information on Brian.
Brian says one time he pissed Paul off so much that Paul lunged at him and had to be pulled off. Stephanie McMahon ended up suspending both men for a week, with pay. Brian says Micheal Hayes tried to stick up for him and tell Stephanie that the incident was all on Paul.
Brian says he and Paul Heyman agreed that bringing back Vince Russo in summer 2002 was a mistake. Brian said he didn't think it relevant for his book, but lately Russo told a deranged version of the story where he met with "20 nameless and faceless writers" who all "buried me to Vince afterwards." In truth, Russo met with Brian, Heyman, Hayes, and Pritchard and pitched several bad ideas that Vince McMahon ended up hearing about and hating. Brian says Vince said to the writers, "I'm sorry I brought back that asshole." Brian says they didn't bury his ideas, but presented them as Russo did, and Vince hated them all.
Some of Russo's ideas included "bringing in Eric Bishoff to fued with Shane McMahon because everyone knows their real life heat." As well as "Stripping The Undertaker of his WWE Championship "because he isn't hip or cool and then having a tournament that RVD should win." He also suggested turning top heel Triple H babyface by reforming DX and bringing back Chyna. Russo didn't know the main event of Mania that year was Triple H vs. Chris Jericho and asked the writers what they thought of those 2 working a program together.
Vince wanted a big "cliff hanger" ending for the RAW Roulette episode in 2002, so he told the writers, "What if Triple H comes out after Kane wins the TLC match and calls him a murderer to end the show?" When they asked Vince what happens next, it sounds like Vince channeled his inner Ole Anderson when he said,"I don't know, you're the writers, you figure it out."
Originally Kane was to have "killed" a young developmental star named Shane Vick, but when Vince deemed Shane too green, they kept the name Vick, but used it on a fictional character whom they called Katie.
Brian remembers Triple H asking a million questions about the angle and telling everyone how stupid he thought it was.
Brian remembers seeing Kane, who is a pro and always 100% on board with ideas, die inside as they explained this new backstory to him where he had a high school girlfriend and he accidentally killed her. Brian says Stephanie was assigned to write the big promo that explained it and says she looked shell-shocked all day with that assignment.
Brian says he tried to point out in meetings how this new backstory contradicted Kane's previous backstory, but Vince blew those concerns off.
Brian also remembers how Vince was strangely obsessed with the idea of using Kane's semen in the story and promo.
Brian says no one objected when Vince pitched the idea of Triple H imitating Kane and having sex with a corpse. Brian said no one stood up to object, but everyone one of them should have.
Vince apparently wanted the segment to end with Triple H scooping some goop out of Katie's head and flinging it at the wall, before saying, "I just fucked your brains out!" Wow.
When they filmed the segment at a real funeral home, there was a real legit funeral happening down the hall. Brian says Triple H and Bruce Pritchard tried to save face by attempting to do it as over the top and silly possible, but Vince insisted on it being 100% serious.
Bruce Pritchard was the one who pitched Roddy Piper interfering in Hulk Hogan vs Mr McMahon match at Wrestlemania 19.
Brian remembers how tense Roddy and Vince got in rooms together, saying while they respected one another, it was clear they drove each other insane while talking anything over.
Brian says Rock turned heel after getting a lukewarm response to a prepared video he sent in when RAW celebrated the best Superstar of the decade by fan vote. Brian says Stone Cold winning the vote also helped push Rock towards deciding on the heel turn.
Brian says the Hurricane/ Rock stuff from 2003 was his idea and something he pushed after he bonded with Hurricane over their mutual love of comic books. Its stuff like this that leads credence to Hardcore Holly's issues with Brian imo.
In 2003, the night after Wrestlemania 19, Brian was working with The Rock and Goldberg, going over their planned confrontation for the show that night. Brian remembers how hesitant Goldberg was to do anything that someone else did before him. First, Brian and Rock pitched Goldberg and Rock standing face to face to soak in the crowd, but Goldber said, "I ain't Hulk Hogan." Then Brian pitched Goldberg starting on the ring to say his line, but Goldberg said, "I ain't Chris Jericho." So they settled on the two men circling each other in the ring because no one else had really done that one with The Rock before.
Brian says he was the one who pitched the lame Goldust/ Goldberg backstage segment where Goldust put his wig on Goldberg. Brian says that's an example of an idea looking better on paper than in real life.
Brian says Goldberg resisted almost every idea and kept asking them to just do what WCW did with him.
Brian remembers one time, Michael Hayes legitimately asked him "Do Jews celebrate Thanksgiving?"
Brian says he got to write the first Pipers Pit Segment in over a decade, with Vince as the guest. Brian says it was done old school, with guys going over a few points before calling it all on the fly in the ring. Brian remembers how Vince legitimately pissed Roddy off by pointing out his big gut, so Roddy responded by pointing out Vince's failures and said the only thing Vince was succesful at was the thing his daddy handed to him. He also called Vince "Junior" which Vince hated.
During the infamous "Diss the Diva" segment of the 2003 Diva Search Competition, one of the contestants called another girl a "cum-burping gutter slut" on live TV. (look it up, its fucking amazing they let these women loose on the mic like that) Brian says a few guys backstage were upset because they can't even call someone a "bitch."
Brian was put in charge of writing two segments at Wrestlemania 21, the Hulk and Eugene confronted by Muhammed Hassain and the Pipers Pit with Stone Cold. He quickly wrote up the Hogan slot before devoting all attention to the Pipers Pit segment.
Vince gave Brian 2 directives for the Wrestlemania 21 Pipers Pit segment, Brian was to keep them within their alloted time and Brian was to ensure no one swore. Roddy promised not to, but almost immediately he screamed "Bullshit" at the crowd. Brian and Vince were at Gorilla Position with headsets on when this happened. An irate Vince jumped up and yelled at Brian, "Did you know he would do that!?" When Brian said no, Vince slammed his own headset on the table and screamed "Fuck!"
Vince told Brian he had to scold Roddy afterward, and when Brian tried to, Roddy asked if "bullshit" was even a swear word before laughing it off.
In 2005, Brian was asked by Vince to write a full movie script for Eugene. They wanted it to be like "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" but with the wrestler Eugene. Brian said he spent months writing the first draft and finished up around SummerSlam 2005. That was the event where Eugene got squashed by Kurt Angle and the fans boo'd the shit out of the babyface. Plans for the movie were scrapped immediately.
Brian said he would try to avoid Wrestlemania after parties because as a writer, he would usually spend the whole party being cornered by various drunk wrestlers who were pitching ideas that would never make it to air.
Brian says when he pitched Edge slapping John Cena's dad, Cena just smiled and said, "So your gonna get a taste of Johnny Fabulous huh? Have fun." When Brian Googled John Cena Sr, he was shocked to find the man already worked the independents as "Johnny Fabulous" an over the top manager. When they filmed at the house, they couldn't get John Cena Sr to act normal, he just kept cutting over the top promos about beating up Edge with lines like "sending you over the moon with a baking spoon!" The next day when they showed Vince the footage, he honestly said, "This might be the worst thing we have ever done."
Both Brian and Bruce Pritchard produced the segment, but when Vince saw it, he just said to Bruce, "I'm very disappointed in you Bruce." Brian knew it was wrong, but he kept his mouth shut and let Bruce take all the blame.
Brian says he pitched Roddy Piper and Ric Flair winning the tag titles in 2006, because he wanted to see his childhood hero Piper with a title. He said it's the only time he pitched something just because he wanted to see it as a fan.
Brian also backs up everyone else's claim that the Cyber Sunday/Taboo Tuesday voting was 100% legitimate and something Vince insisted on, while plenty of people backstage thought they should rig the voting.
Brian says he was the one who pitched Mike Adamle as RAW GM in 2008. Brian says he pitched it as opposed to a heel or babyface GM, Mike was supposed to be the clueless, in over his head and maybe a tad offensive boss. Brian essentially pitched it like Micheal Scott from The Office being GM of RAW. The only issue? Mike Adamle wasn't a comedic actor nor near as talented as Steve Carell.
After Adamle was out, someone suggested the idea of a rotating GM position with various names and Stephanie McMahon pitched an idea of it maybe being a celebrity. Vince's eyes lit up as he said, "what about a new celebrity GM every week!" And thus, the terrible "Guest GM Era" of RAW was born. Vince wanted mainstream exposure from the concept.
Brian remembers being told by Jeremy Pivon's team prior to him coming in to host, that Jeremy wanted a big entrance and big pink robe. They later heard back that Jeremy Pivon hated everything they pitched in the script, including the pink robe.
Ken Jeong was worried about the bump he had to take where Cena would toss him from the ring into a bunch of wrestlers. Ken was assured that he would be caught, but of course his head hit the mat so hard he needed stitches. Ken was thrilled about it though and wore the stitches like a badge of honor backstage, showing them to everyone.
Brian says the day they brought Mike Tyson in as guest host, Tyson actually went missing for an hour or so very close to showtime. Turns out he was just getting stoned and didn't want to do it around his kids who he brought with him.
A writer at the time named Erik was a huge old school fan and had a magazine from the 80's which featured both Hulk Hogan and Mike Tyson on the cover with a hypothetical dream match being the centerpiece of the magazine. Erik brought it to the show after seeing Tyson signed a glove for Brian, and Erik asked Tyson to sign this 20+ year old magazine. Tyson flipped out when he saw it and said, "Oh my God! The magazine with me and Hogan! I've been looking for this for years! You don't mind if I keep this do you? Okay bye!" And Tyson walked off with the magazine before the writer could even respond. Brian says he feels bad but calls this one of the funniest things he was ever present for.
Brian remembers Vince McMahon and Michael Hayes being very excited when they got Cheech and Chong to come guest host.
Brian is a self admitted massive Price is Right fan so he was thrilled to write all the Price is Right segments. Bob Barker was there to promote his book and his animal charity. Vince made sure to have the book all over the screen and advertised, but initially pushed the segment promoting his animal charity group to WWE website instead. Bob wasn't happy with this and called them to his hotel when he made it clear this was a deal breaker. Brian called Vince and they got the segment back on the air.
Brian remembers Bob Barker being impressed by Brian who actually read his book.
Brian said Chris Jericho needed to be convinced on the idea of wearing his Price is Right nametag on his bare chest.
Brian says no one had anyone idea who the Anonymous RAW GM would be, with Vince just saying they will figure it out eventually. There was no end game.
One time Brian pitched the Anonymous GM speaking but using a Stephen Hawking type voice, but Vince McMahon had no idea who Stephen Hawking was. After Brian tried and failed at explaining the voice, Vince made Brian do the voice for the show and just imitate a robot. It sounded bad but Brian had fun with it and it made him appreciate how tough it is for the guys to follow the script and not improvise. Brian makes a comment here saying he hopes fully scripted promos just go away in the future and that the bullet point apporach is better. Not something you expect from a writer tbh.
Brian remembers one time Chris Jericho got NFL star Terrell Owens confused for rapper Ney-O and was upset that Owens didn't want to talk music with him.
When Stephanie McMahon was moved into a higher management role in 2010, Brian got her job but essentially crashed pretty hard. He couldn't handle the responsibilities of it as well as with it while also still trying to write. He ended up blowing off an important meeting so he could write, which resulted in him losing his new gig and being back to just writing the show.
At Survivor Series 2010, Brian had a line for Miz but Vince thought it was too sports related and they argued over it. It was a heated argument where they kept tension between Brian and Vince for weeks until Brian tried to bury the hatchet by pointing out the perception of the other writers. Vince reasoned with "Fuck them and fuck you too."
Eventually he and Vince sat down to discuss the issues and it was a heated hour long talk where Vince accused Brian of not being a team player and just trying to get his own shit in. Brian later found out that Vince started looking for Brian's replacement after that meeting, but also says he started looking for work elsewhere as well.
In 2010, The Rock called Vince and said he wanted to come "give back" to the WWE. Vince suggested a match and Rock said no. Hilariously enough, when Vince suggested a 3 year Wrestlemania main event story with a couple of matches, Rock said yes immediately. Brian doesn't say it, but it sounds like Rock's position on the Mania card was a big factor in whether or not he was coming back.
When The Rock came back to WWE in 2011, Vince said to Brian, "You get to work with The Rock on his promos. It's the easiest job in the world."
Vince didnt want to leak that Rock was coming back so they didn't mention his name in production meetings and Rock wasn't on the RAW call sheet for the night he came back. Apparently, John Cena wasn't even told that Rock was coming back.
Brian worked with Rock for his big promo when he came back and while he can't confirm this, he suspects John Cena wasn't too happy with it. He isn't sure whether it was the promo itself or how John wasn't told about the 3 year Mania plan beforehand.
A week after John Cena cut a rap style promo on Rock, the plan was to spoof a recent "Funny or Die" skit (the ome where Will Ferral gets insulted by a toddler) and have a 10 year old kid rap a bunch of insults at Rock and Cena. This was filmed the day before it was set to air, but when it came time to film, the father of the kid refused to let him say anything. So Rock improvised his own promo that came off as a little harsh towards Cena. Vince McMahon wasn't thrilled with the end result either.
Brian makes it a point to say that outside of WWE, he calls The Rock "DJ" but when they are at WWE shows, he calls him "Rock" like everyone else. I think Brian wants us al to know how close he and The Rock are.
Brian says Rock came up with all his catchphrases, except one. Brian said he thought of "The People's Stroudle," but it's clear Brian is mocking himself here.
Brian stresses that The Rock doesn't use scripted promos, but Brian and Rock come up with some fun lines and bullet points. Brian says he would stand behind the camera in backstage promos with "cue cards" of lines or bullet points for the Rock. The Rock wore shades, so you couldn't tell he was reading.
At a live event in Australia that year, Cena cut a blistering promo on Rock, calling him a liar for coming back and then leaving again. This legit pissed The Rock off, so he cut a scathing promo on Facebook and this legit pissed Cena off. Vince was pissed and told both guys to go radio silent on the other until they were back in the same ring together.
At Survivor Series 2011, the Rock sang a song backstage and had Brian hold the words up behind the camera for him. Brian fucked up and held the cards the wrong way so Rock had to remember the lines off the top of his head. It was nearly a disaster because it was a live promo at Madison Square Garden.
The first night Cena and Rock were in the same locker room together since Survivor Series a few months earlier, Cena and Rock went over their promos and Brian remembers it being cordial. Rock went out first, and in Gorilla, John was waiting for his cue when he spotted lines written on The Rock's arm, but Brian didn't think this was a big deal since Roddy Piper had done that back in 2003 when he returned. Cena figured because the lines were visible on the monitors, that it was fair game to talk about. Brian thinks Cena went too far by mentioning the lines in the promo, and while Rock played it off as cool, Brian knew Rock was pissed.
Brian says that after Cena called out Rock on live TV for the lines being on his arm, they stopped meeting beforehand to go over their promos or what would be said. Brian said it was his job to be the middle man and relay what each guy was planning to the other.
Brian criticizes Cena for undercutting Rock's seriousness in the ring with kids jokes and by smiling and laughing (no selling) everything Rock said. Brian said Cena only got serious on the mic once Rock left the ring.
One week when Rock couldn't be there, he cut a tapped promo, so Cena doctored his own custom Rock shirt that said "Bring It ... Via Satellite." When Cena got backstage he alledgedly whipped the tshirt at Brian who was sitting Gorilla. Brian says he still has the shirt.
When Cena did his Thugganomics rap, Brian sat watching with Rock, who smiled and said what he had planned that night would be better. Later that night The Rock did one of his Rock Concerts performances and Brian remembers watching from Gorilla and hearing Cena yell, "That's the Rock I've been wating for!" With a huge grin on Cena's face. Cena waited in Gorilla for Rock so he could personally congratulate Rock on the segment. Brian says the tensions cooled a bit following that night and the rest of their program went off with no issues.
Brian knew Rock was going back to Holywood after Wrestlemania 28 and he wanted to go with him. He reached out to Rock's business partner and heard of a production company they were starting soon. Brian was invited to be part of it when it was ready to go.
In October 2012, RAW got one of its lowest ratings of all time, so Vince panicked and wanted change across the board. They offered Brian 2 options, he could resign from WWE or take a consulting role with a reduced salary. Considering how Brian was just waiting for Rock's production company to start, he took the reduced salary role.
Brian takea a moment to dispute dirt sheet claims on him being forced out, how his consultant role was meaningless and how he had no say. He refutes all claims. He says Vince used a lot of his ideas or suggestions in this time.
Brian notes how the Cena/Rock return program in 2013 was a lot more cordial and enjoyable for all involved, with all that past tension and animosity gone. Cena and Rock have been friends ever since, according to Brian.
Brian says he wrote the Kane and Daniel Bryan therapy session segment from 2013, and it was inspired by Dr Evil's therapy session from the Austin Powers movie.
Brian says that Vince was paranoid about leaks going into Wrestlemania 30 with Hogan, Rock, and Austin all coming up to start the show. So he didn't tell Hogan about Rock or Austin coming out, just told Hogan to react appropriately to whomever interrupts him. Hogan had no idea that Rock and Austion would join him at Mania 30, according to Brian.
Brian remembers Stephanie McMahon once saying to Brian that she wished Vince listened to her, as he did to Brian.
Brian said one time Vince McMahon told him he loves confrontation so much that he looks forward to being pulled over by a cop.
Backstage at Wrestlemania 30, before the show started, The Rock told Brian that he heard Brock Lesnar would be ending the streak. It's interesting that Rock knew hours beforehand and was telling people, and it didn't leak.
Brian says that Triple H/ Stephanie vs Ronda Rousey/ Kurt Angle was originally planned with Rock as Rousey's partner with the seeds planted at Wrestlemania 31 where all 4 had a confrontation at the show. Rock's movie schedule put the nix on that, and eventually, they went with Kurt.
After spending several years working side jobs for Rock's production company, in mid-2015, Brian finally got the call that the production company is ready for him to come on full time. Brian's last day with WWE was June 29, 2015. Vince told Brian that he loved him when they said their goodbyes, and Brian was genuinely taken back by that.
Every wrestling book has several pictures included, Brian's book is the first and only book I've seen where one of these pictures is just a screenshot from a 2016 Reddit post on that Squared Circle sub (That I'm banned from) Someone made a post theorizing that Brian Gewertz wasn't a real person, and Brian found this funny. The post in question
Brian briefly shades Jim Cornette, who has publicly criticized having "comedy writers" in wrestling, since Jim got in trouble for making a bad racist joke on Tv a couple years before the book came out.
Brian spent 16 years working in WWE and was called the "Hollywood Guy" the entire time, now that he is back in Hollywood and working on shows like "Young Rock" he is known as the "Wrestling Guy."
Brian is greatful for his time in WWE because in Hollywood everyone always tries to act tough and intimidate you, but after a decade and a half of fighting with Vince McMahon, Brian feels like he can't be intimidated anymore.
Fun book, but not nearly as self-aware as I was hoping. I don't know if I'd recommend it, to be honest, but I'm glad I read it.

(If this type of content isn't for this sub, let me know, and I won't post here again. In the past, I posted here about The Young Bucks book, and it got some fun responses, but I understand this may not be the same)
Hey y'all, I love to do random wrestling book reports, and my latest one is someone this Sub may have an opinion on. The Rock's personal stooge/ writer, Brian Gewirtz, who worked for WWE for over 15 years.
It's one of the few wrestling books not presented in chronological order, so if you think it's odd this because I had to put it all in order myself. Each chapter is just random stories that jump back and forth from 1999 - 2015, so it was admittedly not easy to follow. I try to do all these reports in chronological order, though, so I did my best in that regard. But be warned, I may have messed up the timeframe on one or two occasions. I hope you can find something interesting...
Brian makes a quick joke about nepotism, but it's clear he kinda benefited from it. His uncle Howard Gerwitz is a moderately successful TV writer and producer with a ton of credits to his name from the 80s and 90s. Howard got Brian some of his early gigs, and while Brian tries to present himself as a naive kid who was giving good ideas and jokes to other writers, his uncle had to sit him down and tell him Brian needs to step up and that a lot of other writers would kill for his opportunities.
After several failed tv show writing credits, Brian found himself out of work and collecting unemployment for nearly a year. Until his sister, who worked at MTV, called him up, saying MTV is producing a ton of vignets for the SummerSlam 1999 ppv, and she got him the gig as writer for the vignets
While working those MTV vignets, he heard MTV wasn't happy that their exclusive match was just Hardy Boyz vs. Edge and Christian. I guess MTV got to air a match exclusively on their network and felt cheated when they didn't get Undertaker vs. Stone Cold.
Brian got to work with a ton of stars like Hardyz, Edge/Christian, Mick Foley, and Triple H, who he immediately got on the wrong side of. Brian didn't know Chyna would be there and so hadn't written anything for her. Brian says Triple H was very professional but was obviously annoyed and asked why Chyna had no lines.
Brian says he met The Rock for the first time here and kick-start a 2 decade-long partnership from here. Brian remembers how Rock read what Brian wrote for him, liked it, but then said the same thing he would say every single time Brian presented Rock material, "This is great, but how can we make it better?"
Brian says The Rock asked him to consider writing for the WWF and got him an interview. The first interview was basic "get to know you" with human resources. The next interview was with Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara. Brain calls Ed friendly, but he says Russo clearly just wanted it over with asap.
His next interview was with Shane McMahon, and while Brian says Shane is one of the warmest and nicest men he knows, his first impression was the opposite of that. Brian also remembers saying something about the Mets, to which Shane responded with "I'm a Yankees fan."
His final interview was with Vince McMahon, and Brian said they hit it off immediately, and it was like 2 old friends talking. Vince told Brian that the WWF would make him an offer he couldn't refuse. The offer was to write for their website, and Brian refused it.
Brian instead went to work on the show "Big Wolf On Campus" for the Fox Kids channel. (Side note: as a Canadian who grew up with YTV and Fox kids, this show was something of a guilty pleasure of my 11 year old self. Of course, Brian worked on it. I even did a dumb reddit post on it on the ytv retro subreddit group, lol.
After Russo and Ferarra jumped to WCW, Brian got a call back from WWF, and this time, as a writer for their tv shows.
Brian's first day was November 1st, 1999, and he remembers sitting in the production meeting and being uncomfortable because Vince didn't introduce him and about 60 wrestlers were staring at him and wondering what he was doing there.
The only other writer on staff was Tommy Blacha, and he took Brian under his wing. They had zero writing assignments, so they walked around with a pen and paper and asked random wrestlers if they needed help with a promo.
Brian remembers Tommy introducing him to everyone and even commenting on some people like, "No one knows what Sgt Slaughter does here."
After the show, he drove to the next town with Tommy, and the McMahon's, Shane driving, Vince in passenger, and Steph in the back with Tommy and Brian.
At one point, Vince said, "This is where we would dump your body if you did a bad job," and for some reason, Brian stupidly said, "Is that what happened to KoKo B Wear?" Brian said what followed was a very awkward and long silence.
Brian makes a note on the difference between writing WWE now and back then. He said he and Tommy would meet with Vince and Shane in Vince's hotel room the morning of the show and write the whole thing. Brian says Stephanie's job was to take food orders and say she wasn't a writer, but within a year, she would be head of creative.
Brian says if they were back in the hotel room on Monday night, they would put on WCW Nitro to laugh at while they planned the next show. He remembers Vince quoting a line from Nitro as hilariously bad whenever someone had a bad idea.
Brian remembers how one time Vince McMahon randomly said in a meeting, "What kind of name is AL Snow? That's awful!" And no one was talking about or bringing up Al Snow.
Brian remembers Vince once telling him that there was nothing funnier than someone stepping in dog shit, and if he could film an entire show of just that, he would.
Brian says in January 2000, Shane insisted on the writers learning what it's like to take a bump. They did a bit of basic stuff like a flat back and running the ropes, but Brian tapped out after 10 minutes. He says later, Bubba Ray Dudley gave him a powerbomb from the second rope as a bunch of wrestlers stopped watching. He says it knocked the wind out of him bad.
Brian says he got some of the boys to participate in Royal Rumble pools, where each guy would put $10 in the pot and pick a royal rumble number. If their number won, they would win the pot. At the 2000 Rumble, Al Snow was told he would be coming out at number 20, and Brian remembers Al just getting pissed off because number 20 was his Rumble Pool number. Brian remembers Al saying, "Ah shit, there goes $10 down the drain."
Brian says he got into a heated argument with Vince McMahon on Wrestlemania weekend in 2000 and was later told by Kevin Dunn to learn how to eat shit and like it.
One time, Brian used Vince's private office bathroom and accidentally locked himself in, missing a production meeting.
Brian remembers one time going over a promo with Degeneration-X and saying to them all, "Does anyone have any questions?" To which Billy Gunn replied with, "Yeah, who the fuck are you?"
Brian says he came up with the idea for The Rock to mock Triple H's speech cadence with the "uuuuhhh's" at the end of every sentence. He says Rock brought him to Triple H and Vince to suggest the idea and when it came time to demonstrate, Rock made Brian do it, saying, "Come on you do it like you did in the hallway, everyone was laughing!" Brian says his impression got a big laugh from Vince and nod from Triple H, but he could see the look on Triple H's face suggested otherwise.
Brian says he noticed Triple H started dropping the "Uuuhhh" pattern from his promos and thinks he deserves an apology. This is kind said tongue in cheek.
Brian says that Michael Cole would say the word "now" so much on air that Vince McMahon ended up fining Cole everytime he said the word, until Cole cut it out.
Brian says Triple H hated him from the start, and thinks the jokes about Stephanie McMahon that Brian wrote for Rock and Chris Jericho played a part in that. Brian remembers when Triple H was booked to lose to Brooklyn Brawler, that Triple H marched up to Brian backstage and said "This had to be you!"
Stone Cold didn't like Brian from the start, because Stone Cold left for a year the month that Brian started, and by the time Stone Cold came back, Vince was relying more on writers and Stone Cold even said in an interview with WWF Magazine that he wouldnt be taking orders from "some kid straight out of sitcom school."
Brian says most writers meetings would start with the question of "How is Stone Cold going to raise hell this week?" And Brian came to hate this because it felt forced. Vince wanted Brian to have a good relationship with Stone Cold but Steve was resistant at every turn. Austin would tell other guys like Bruce Pritchard and Micheal Hayes or later on Paul Heyman why he disagreed with an idea, but with Brian he would just say "Nope." And that was it.
Brian worked with The Rock on his legendary imitation promo leading up to the six man Hell in a Cell at Armageddon 2000. Brian said the promo pissed off the imitated guys quite a bit. In fact, he said Rock's exact words to Brian were, "Hey, great promo last night. By the way, the boys are fucking pissed!" After confirming with with Kurt Angle, whom Brian says he was friends with from the start, Brian realized he pissed off 5 top guys in one fell swoop. (I'd just say he pissed off 4 top guys and Rikishi)
Brian says he was known from that point on as a "Rock guy" and had a hard time working with other top stars like Stone Cold or Triple H.
Brian says Micheal Hayes and Bruce Pritchard joined the creative team in Feb 2001, though they worked in other roles prior to then. In JR's book, he describes Bruce as on the creative team as early as 1996 or 1997. Brian says Bruce was in Talent Relations prior to this, but according to JR that was only for a couple weeks between JJ Dillon and JR in the mid-90s.
Brian says he came up with the hilarious match finish where William Regal hit Big Show with the brass knuckles, only for Show to fall ontop of Regal and get the win.
Brian says he and Bruce Pritchard had to come up with backstories and personalities for all the XFL cheerleaders.
Brian remembers working on these awful vignents he and Bruce filmed with a bunch of XFL cheerleaders and players, saying he is still haunted by how bad they were.
Brian recalls an incident when Hayes and Pritchard tried to rib Brian, saying they are gonna tell Rock and Kurt Angle that Brian was bad mouthing them. An enraged Brain ended up slamming a hotel chair up against a wall. Stephanie told him the next day to take a couple days off. Brian says working nonstop on Wrestling and XFL stressed him to this point
In 2001, shortly after Wrestlemania that year, Brian remembers one day Edge gave him an action figure if The Flash superhero, but after Hardcore Holly saw this, the rumors started swirling that Edge & Christian were bribing writers for TV time. So Brian, Edge and Christian were hauled into "Wrestlers Court" to plead there case. "Wrestlers Court" was a silly concept where the boys would police themselves if someone backstage violated some unwritten rule, like a writer being friends with some of the boys. Brian found out about his "Wrestlers Court" hearing an hour before it happened.
Brian was warned by Stephanie McMahon that he should bring pizza and beer to "Wrestlers Court" so he got 1 large pizza and a six pack. Brian was shocked to find over 100 people present for "Wrestlers Court" including all the wrestlers, producers and even seamstresses and other random backstage officials.
One particular face present really pissed Brian off. It was fellow writer Jamie Morris, someone who started six months after Brian. Brian said this pissed him off so much, and so he marched up to Stephanie and told her Jamie has to leave. Brian said he would take his punishment but he won't have some asshole writer snickering in meetings and telling new writers about this. Brian said he was legit ready to quit. Brian says that to Stephanie's credit, she saw he was serious he was and had Jamie removed from the room.
Brian saw Triple H shaking his head in disgust at him as he sat next to Edge and Christian, with Brian trying to hide the 6 pack of beer under his chair. JBL was playing the role of "prosecution," Kane was the "baliff" and Undertaker was the "judge." JBL started by purposely mispronouncing Brian's last name trying to piss him off. Brian took the bait and told JBL to pronounce it right and then called this trial a sham. He expected a round of applause but instead was met with awkward silence and an even more pissed off Undertaker and Triple H.
Brian says Edge and Christian had been given a heads up because they had prepared a fake book as a gift titled "Edge and Christian's guide to kissing ass" and they got a big laugh from everyone. Brian was upset that they didn't warn him or invite him into their plan, because now all the heat had fallen on him.
Brian remembers Perry Saturn "testifying" at "Wrestlers Court" giving examples of all the times Brian failed to say hello or didn't shake Saturn's hand. Brian says he later imitated Saturn's testimony and that led to his moppy character arc. Brian says the moppy gimmick wasn't punishment of any kind and he genuinely thought it would get Saturn over.
Brian remembers XPac speaking as well and yelling a bunch of insults at Brian before Kane had to physically restrain XPac. Brian says he and XPac never got along, and again assumes it's because he wrote jokes for wrestlers to use against XPac in promos. Brian remembers one time he entered the male locker room and got yelled at by XPac because Brian wasn't talent. Brian remembers another time XPac yelled at Brian because Brian didn't recognize legend Lez Thatcher backstage once.
Hardcore Holly and Pat Patterson also testified with Holly detailing how he saw Edge give Brian the Flash toy and Pat screamed about Brian changes finishes to matches.
Paul Heyman testified about how Brian once said he didn't have to shake Funaki's hand. Brian explains how he had already greeted Funkai earlier that day but it didn't matter, it seemed like the writer was big shotting a beloved jobber.
Brian said he noticed Kurt Angle shaking his head in disgust because he was friends with Brian, but when JBL asked if Kurt wanted to speak, Kurt said no. Brian felt that was a betrayal. Brian said he also noticed Stone Cold get up and walk out of the room around this time. He thinks Stone Cold saw himself as above this silliness.
Undertaker dismissed the trial and afterwards Vince had a good laugh when he asked Brian how it went. Brian said it took him a while, but eventually he saw the honor in being the first writer ever sent to wrestlers court, that this is how the boys brought you in closer.
Pat Patterson later apologized to Brian for his remarks, with Pat saying he thought it was all a silly rib and didn't realize how upset some guys genuinely were. Paul Heyman later told Brian that the Dudley Boys had overheard their conversation about Funaki, so Paul felt like he had to say it first.
Brian would later ask Hardcore Holly if they were cool, to which Holly said "Fuck no!" And stormed off.
Brian quickly mentions how the guy who was managing the WWE restaurant in New York, actually stole over $400,000 while running the place until it closed down.
In 2002, after The Rock cut a scathing promo on NWO, where he called Kevin Nash, "Big Daddy Bitch" Brian says that Kevin Nash and Scott Hall were both pretty upset by the promo. Brian remembers how later when Nash got physical in the ring with Rock, there is a spot where he shoves Rock into the corner and screams in Rocks face, "Who's the bitch now!" Brian says Nash was legit hot over insult.
Brain seemed shocked when WWE announced a brand split and said there would be 2 creative teams, one headed by Paul Heyman, and one headed by Brian. Brian says he and Paul butted heads over everything and Paul would tell Brian, "It's okay we fight, I was hired to fight with you."
Brian and Paul heard the rosters for each show and considering how close Brian was to all the guys on SmackDown, he assumed that would be his show. All the guys on RAW were close with Heyman, so both guys were shocked when Vince gave RAW to Brian and SmackDown to Heyman. Brian thinks this was Vince trying to get each writer to get out of their comfort zones.
Brian said he pitched Stone Cold vs Brock Lesnar on free TV, citing how Hogan vs Andre at Shea Stadium in the early 80s didn't take away from their match at Wrestlemania 3. He says Vince and all the writers/ agents and producers debated this before Vince decided it was the right call. Obviously Stone Cold hated it and it was the breaking point to him walking out on the WWE. I've never heard it mention that it originally came from Brian though.
One time on a plane, Paul Heyman got so upset with Brian that he offered Brian 3 free punches to Paul, so long as Paul got just 1 free one after. Brian declined, despite an excited Shane McMahon offering to show Brian how to punch.
Brian says he was on a RAW conference call when someone randomly dropped out of the call. Everyone was accounted for so someone extra was listening in. The call was traced back to Paul Heyman's number, though Brian says Paul denies it was him.
Brian says he would mock and imitate Paul Heyman on those calls, and wonders how many times Paul was listening in. He also suggests that Paul was feeding dirt sheet websites disparaging information on Brian.
Brian says one time he pissed Paul off so much that Paul lunged at him and had to be pulled off. Stephanie McMahon ended up suspending both men for a week, with pay. Brian says Micheal Hayes tried to stick up for him and tell Stephanie that the incident was all on Paul.
Brian says he and Paul Heyman agreed that bringing back Vince Russo in summer 2002 was a mistake. Brian said he didn't think it relevant for his book, but lately Russo told a deranged version of the story where he met with "20 nameless and faceless writers" who all "buried me to Vince afterwards." In truth, Russo met with Brian, Heyman, Hayes, and Pritchard and pitched several bad ideas that Vince McMahon ended up hearing about and hating. Brian says Vince said to the writers, "I'm sorry I brought back that asshole." Brian says they didn't bury his ideas, but presented them as Russo did, and Vince hated them all.
Some of Russo's ideas included "bringing in Eric Bishoff to fued with Shane McMahon because everyone knows their real life heat." As well as "Stripping The Undertaker of his WWE Championship "because he isn't hip or cool and then having a tournament that RVD should win." He also suggested turning top heel Triple H babyface by reforming DX and bringing back Chyna. Russo didn't know the main event of Mania that year was Triple H vs. Chris Jericho and asked the writers what they thought of those 2 working a program together.
Vince wanted a big "cliff hanger" ending for the RAW Roulette episode in 2002, so he told the writers, "What if Triple H comes out after Kane wins the TLC match and calls him a murderer to end the show?" When they asked Vince what happens next, it sounds like Vince channeled his inner Ole Anderson when he said,"I don't know, you're the writers, you figure it out."
Originally Kane was to have "killed" a young developmental star named Shane Vick, but when Vince deemed Shane too green, they kept the name Vick, but used it on a fictional character whom they called Katie.
Brian remembers Triple H asking a million questions about the angle and telling everyone how stupid he thought it was.
Brian remembers seeing Kane, who is a pro and always 100% on board with ideas, die inside as they explained this new backstory to him where he had a high school girlfriend and he accidentally killed her. Brian says Stephanie was assigned to write the big promo that explained it and says she looked shell-shocked all day with that assignment.
Brian says he tried to point out in meetings how this new backstory contradicted Kane's previous backstory, but Vince blew those concerns off.
Brian also remembers how Vince was strangely obsessed with the idea of using Kane's semen in the story and promo.
Brian says no one objected when Vince pitched the idea of Triple H imitating Kane and having sex with a corpse. Brian said no one stood up to object, but everyone one of them should have.
Vince apparently wanted the segment to end with Triple H scooping some goop out of Katie's head and flinging it at the wall, before saying, "I just fucked your brains out!" Wow.
When they filmed the segment at a real funeral home, there was a real legit funeral happening down the hall. Brian says Triple H and Bruce Pritchard tried to save face by attempting to do it as over the top and silly possible, but Vince insisted on it being 100% serious.
Bruce Pritchard was the one who pitched Roddy Piper interfering in Hulk Hogan vs Mr McMahon match at Wrestlemania 19.
Brian remembers how tense Roddy and Vince got in rooms together, saying while they respected one another, it was clear they drove each other insane while talking anything over.
Brian says Rock turned heel after getting a lukewarm response to a prepared video he sent in when RAW celebrated the best Superstar of the decade by fan vote. Brian says Stone Cold winning the vote also helped push Rock towards deciding on the heel turn.
Brian says the Hurricane/ Rock stuff from 2003 was his idea and something he pushed after he bonded with Hurricane over their mutual love of comic books. Its stuff like this that leads credence to Hardcore Holly's issues with Brian imo.
In 2003, the night after Wrestlemania 19, Brian was working with The Rock and Goldberg, going over their planned confrontation for the show that night. Brian remembers how hesitant Goldberg was to do anything that someone else did before him. First, Brian and Rock pitched Goldberg and Rock standing face to face to soak in the crowd, but Goldber said, "I ain't Hulk Hogan." Then Brian pitched Goldberg starting on the ring to say his line, but Goldberg said, "I ain't Chris Jericho." So they settled on the two men circling each other in the ring because no one else had really done that one with The Rock before.
Brian says he was the one who pitched the lame Goldust/ Goldberg backstage segment where Goldust put his wig on Goldberg. Brian says that's an example of an idea looking better on paper than in real life.
Brian says Goldberg resisted almost every idea and kept asking them to just do what WCW did with him.
Brian remembers one time, Michael Hayes legitimately asked him "Do Jews celebrate Thanksgiving?"
Brian says he got to write the first Pipers Pit Segment in over a decade, with Vince as the guest. Brian says it was done old school, with guys going over a few points before calling it all on the fly in the ring. Brian remembers how Vince legitimately pissed Roddy off by pointing out his big gut, so Roddy responded by pointing out Vince's failures and said the only thing Vince was succesful at was the thing his daddy handed to him. He also called Vince "Junior" which Vince hated.
During the infamous "Diss the Diva" segment of the 2003 Diva Search Competition, one of the contestants called another girl a "cum-burping gutter slut" on live TV. (look it up, its fucking amazing they let these women loose on the mic like that) Brian says a few guys backstage were upset because they can't even call someone a "bitch."
Brian was put in charge of writing two segments at Wrestlemania 21, the Hulk and Eugene confronted by Muhammed Hassain and the Pipers Pit with Stone Cold. He quickly wrote up the Hogan slot before devoting all attention to the Pipers Pit segment.
Vince gave Brian 2 directives for the Wrestlemania 21 Pipers Pit segment, Brian was to keep them within their alloted time and Brian was to ensure no one swore. Roddy promised not to, but almost immediately he screamed "Bullshit" at the crowd. Brian and Vince were at Gorilla Position with headsets on when this happened. An irate Vince jumped up and yelled at Brian, "Did you know he would do that!?" When Brian said no, Vince slammed his own headset on the table and screamed "Fuck!"
Vince told Brian he had to scold Roddy afterward, and when Brian tried to, Roddy asked if "bullshit" was even a swear word before laughing it off.
In 2005, Brian was asked by Vince to write a full movie script for Eugene. They wanted it to be like "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" but with the wrestler Eugene. Brian said he spent months writing the first draft and finished up around SummerSlam 2005. That was the event where Eugene got squashed by Kurt Angle and the fans boo'd the shit out of the babyface. Plans for the movie were scrapped immediately.
Brian said he would try to avoid Wrestlemania after parties because as a writer, he would usually spend the whole party being cornered by various drunk wrestlers who were pitching ideas that would never make it to air.
Brian says when he pitched Edge slapping John Cena's dad, Cena just smiled and said, "So your gonna get a taste of Johnny Fabulous huh? Have fun." When Brian Googled John Cena Sr, he was shocked to find the man already worked the independents as "Johnny Fabulous" an over the top manager. When they filmed at the house, they couldn't get John Cena Sr to act normal, he just kept cutting over the top promos about beating up Edge with lines like "sending you over the moon with a baking spoon!" The next day when they showed Vince the footage, he honestly said, "This might be the worst thing we have ever done."
Both Brian and Bruce Pritchard produced the segment, but when Vince saw it, he just said to Bruce, "I'm very disappointed in you Bruce." Brian knew it was wrong, but he kept his mouth shut and let Bruce take all the blame.
Brian says he pitched Roddy Piper and Ric Flair winning the tag titles in 2006, because he wanted to see his childhood hero Piper with a title. He said it's the only time he pitched something just because he wanted to see it as a fan.
Brian also backs up everyone else's claim that the Cyber Sunday/Taboo Tuesday voting was 100% legitimate and something Vince insisted on, while plenty of people backstage thought they should rig the voting.
Brian says he was the one who pitched Mike Adamle as RAW GM in 2008. Brian says he pitched it as opposed to a heel or babyface GM, Mike was supposed to be the clueless, in over his head and maybe a tad offensive boss. Brian essentially pitched it like Micheal Scott from The Office being GM of RAW. The only issue? Mike Adamle wasn't a comedic actor nor near as talented as Steve Carell.
After Adamle was out, someone suggested the idea of a rotating GM position with various names and Stephanie McMahon pitched an idea of it maybe being a celebrity. Vince's eyes lit up as he said, "what about a new celebrity GM every week!" And thus, the terrible "Guest GM Era" of RAW was born. Vince wanted mainstream exposure from the concept.
Brian remembers being told by Jeremy Pivon's team prior to h8m coming in to host, that Jeremy wanted a big entrance and big pink robe. They later heard back that Jeremy Pivon hated everything they pitched in the script, including the pink robe.
Ken Jeong was worried about the bump he had to take where Cena would toss him from the ring into a bunch of wrestlers. Ken was assured that he would be caught, but of course his head hit the mat so hard he needed stitches. Ken was thrilled about it though and wore the stitches like a badge of honor backstage, showing them to everyone.
Brian says the day they brought Mike Tyson in as guest host, Tyson actually went missing for an hour or so very close to showtime. Turns out he was just getting stoned and didn't want to do it around his kids who he brought with him.
A writer at the time named Erik was a huge old school fan and had a magazine from the 80's which featured both Hulk Hogan and Mike Tyson on the cover with a hypothetical dream match being the centerpiece of the magazine. Erik brought it to the show after seeing Tyson signed a glove for Brian, and Erik asked Tyson to sign this 20+ year old magazine. Tyson flipped out when he saw it and said, "Oh my God! The magazine with me and Hogan! I've been looking for this for years! You don't mind if I keep this do you? Okay bye!" And Tyson walked off with the magazine before the writer could even respond. Brian says he feels bad but calls this one of the funniest things he was ever present for.
Brian remembers Vince McMahon and Michael Hayes being very excited when they got Cheech and Chong to come guest host.
Brian is a self admitted massive Price is Right fan so he was thrilled to write all the Price is Right segments. Bob Barker was there to promote his book and his animal charity. Vince made sure to have the book all over the screen and advertised, but initially pushed the segment promoting his animal charity group to WWE website instead. Bob wasn't happy with this and called them to his hotel when he made it clear this was a deal breaker. Brian called Vince and they got the segment back on the air.
Brian remembers Bob Barker being impressed by Brian who actually read his book.
Brian said Chris Jericho needed to be convinced on the idea of wearing his Price is Right nametag on his bare chest.
Brian says no one had anyone idea who the Anonymous RAW GM would be, with Vince just saying they will figure it out eventually. There was no end game.
One time Brian pitched the Anonymous GM speaking but using a Stephen Hawking type voice, but Vince McMahon had no idea who Stephen Hawking was. After Brian tried and failed at explaining the voice, Vince made Brian do the voice for the show and just imitate a robot. It sounded bad but Brian had fun with it and it made him appreciate how tough it is for the guys to follow the script and not improvise. Brian makes a comment here saying he hopes fully scripted promos just go away in the future and that the bullet point apporach is better. Not something you expect from a writer tbh.
Brian remembers one time Chris Jericho got NFL star Terrell Owens confused for rapper Ney-O and was upset that Owens didn't want to talk music with him.
When Stephanie McMahon was moved into a higher management role in 2010, Brian got her job but essentially crashed pretty hard. He couldn't handle the responsibilities of it as well as with it while also still trying to write. He ended up blowing off an important meeting so he could write, which resulted in him losing his new gig and being back to just writing the show.
At Survivor Series 2010, Brian had a line for Miz but Vince thought it was too sports related and they argued over it. It was a heated argument where they kept tension between Brian and Vince for weeks until Brian tried to bury the hatchet by pointing out the perception of the other writers. Vince reasoned with "Fuck them and fuck you too."
Eventually he and Vince sat down to discuss the issues and it was a heated hour long talk where Vince accused Brian of not being a team player and just trying to get his own shit in. Brian later found out that Vince started looking for Brian's replacement after that meeting, but also says he started looking for work elsewhere as well.
In 2010, The Rock called Vince and said he wanted to come "give back" to the WWE. Vince suggested a match and Rock said no. Hilariously enough, when Vince suggested a 3 year Wrestlemania main event story with a couple of matches, Rock said yes immediately. Brian doesn't say it, but it sounds like Rock's position on the Mania card was a big factor in whether or not he was coming back.
When The Rock came back to WWE in 2011, Vince said to Brian, "You get to work with The Rock on his promos. It's the easiest job in the world."
Vince didnt want to leak that Rock was coming back so they didn't mention his name in production meetings and Rock wasn't on the RAW call sheet for the night he came back. Apparently, John Cena wasn't even told that Rock was coming back.
Brian worked with Rock for his big promo when he came back and while he can't confirm this, he suspects John Cena wasn't too happy with it. He isn't sure whether it was the promo itself or how John wasn't told about the 3 year Mania plan beforehand.
A week after John Cena cut a rap style promo on Rock, the plan was to spoof a recent "Funny or Die" skit (the ome where Will Ferral gets insulted by a toddler) and have a 10 year old kid rap a bunch of insults at Rock and Cena. This was filmed the day before it was set to air, but when it came time to film, the father of the kid refused to let him say anything. So Rock improvised his own promo that came off as a little harsh towards Cena. Vince McMahon wasn't thrilled with the end result either.
Brian makes it a point to say that outside of WWE, he calls The Rock "DJ" but when they are at WWE shows, he calls him "Rock" like everyone else. I think Brian wants us al to know how close he and The Rock are.
Brian says Rock came up with all his catchphrases, except one. Brian said he thought of "The People's Stroudle," but it's clear Brian is mocking himself here.
Brian stresses that The Rock doesn't use scripted promos, but Brian and Rock come up with some fun lines and bullet points. Brian says he would stand behind the camera in backstage promos with "cue cards" of lines or bullet points for the Rock. The Rock wore shades, so you couldn't tell he was reading.
At a live event in Australia that year, Cena cut a blistering promo on Rock, calling him a liar for coming back and then leaving again. This legit pissed The Rock off, so he cut a scathing promo on Facebook and this legit pissed Cena off. Vince was pissed and told both guys to go radio silent on the other until they were back in the same ring together.
At Survivor Series 2011, the Rock sang a song backstage and had Brian hold the words up behind the camera for him. Brian fucked up and held the cards the wrong way so Rock had to remember the lines off the top of his head. It was nearly a disaster because it was a live promo at Madison Square Garden.
The first night Cena and Rock were in the same locker room together since Survivor Series a few months earlier, Cena and Rock went over their promos and Brian remembers it being cordial. Rock went out first, and in Gorilla, John was waiting for his cue when he spotted lines written on The Rock's arm, but Brian didn't think this was a big deal since Roddy Piper had done that back in 2003 when he returned. Cena figured because the lines were visible on the monitors, that it was fair game to talk about. Brian thinks Cena went too far by mentioning the lines in the promo, and while Rock played it off as cool, Brian knew Rock was pissed.
Brian says that after Cena called out Rock on live TV for the lines being on his arm, they stopped meeting beforehand to go over their promos or what would be said. Brian said it was his job to be the middle man and relay what each guy was planning to the other.
Brian criticizes Cena for undercutting Rock's seriousness in the ring with kids jokes and by smiling and laughing (no selling) everything Rock said. Brian said Cena only got serious on the mic once Rock left the ring.
One week when Rock couldn't be there, he cut a tapped promo, so Cena doctored his own custom Rock shirt that said "Bring It ... Via Satellite." When Cena got backstage he alledgedly whipped the tshirt at Brian who was sitting Gorilla. Brian says he still has the shirt.
When Cena did his Thugganomics rap, Brian sat watching with Rock, who smiled and said what he had planned that night would be better. Later that night The Rock did one of his Rock Concerts performances and Brian remembers watching from Gorilla and hearing Cena yell, "That's the Rock I've been wating for!" With a huge grin on Cena's face. Cena waited in Gorilla for Rock so he could personally congratulate Rock on the segment. Brian says the tensions cooled a bit following that night and the rest of their program went off with no issues.
Brian knew Rock was going back to Holywood after Wrestlemania 28 and he wanted to go with him. He reached out to Rock's business partner and heard of a production company they were starting soon. Brian was invited to be part of it when it was ready to go.
In October 2012, RAW got one of its lowest ratings of all time, so Vince panicked and wanted change across the board. They offered Brian 2 options, he could resign from WWE or take a consulting role with a reduced salary. Considering how Brian was just waiting for Rock's production company to start, he took the reduced salary role.
Brian takea a moment to dispute dirt sheet claims on him being forced out, how his consultant role was meaningless and how he had no say. He refutes all claims. He says Vince used a lot of his ideas or suggestions in this time.
Brian notes how the Cena/Rock return program in 2013 was a lot more cordial and enjoyable for all involved, with all that past tension and animosity gone. Cena and Rock have been friends ever since, according to Brian.
Brian says he wrote the Kane and Daniel Bryan therapy session segment from 2013, and it was inspired by Dr Evil's therapy session from the Austin Powers movie.
Brian says that Vince was paranoid about leaks going into Wrestlemania 30 with Hogan, Rock, and Austin all coming up to start the show. So he didn't tell Hogan about Rock or Austin coming out, just told Hogan to react appropriately to whomever interrupts him. Hogan had no idea that Rock and Austion would join him at Mania 30, according to Brian.
Brian remembers Stephanie McMahon once saying to Brian that she wished Vince listened to her, as he did to Brian.
Brian said one time Vince McMahon told him he loves confrontation so much that he looks forward to being pulled over by a cop.
Backstage at Wrestlemania 30, before the show started, The Rock told Brian that he heard Brock Lesnar would be ending the streak. It's interesting that Rock knew hours beforehand and was telling people, and it didn't leak.
Brian says that Triple H/ Stephanie vs Ronda Rousey/ Kurt Angle was originally planned with Rock as Rousey's partner with the seeds planted at Wrestlemania 31 where all 4 had a confrontation at the show. Rock's movie schedule put the nix on that, and eventually, they went with Kurt.
After spending several years working side jobs for Rock's production company, in mid-2015, Brian finally got the call that the production company is ready for him to come on full time. Brian's last day with WWE was June 29, 2015. Vince told Brian that he loved him when they said their goodbyes, and Brian was genuinely taken back by that.
Every wrestling book has several pictures included, Brian's book is the first and only book I've seen where one of these pictures is just a screenshot from a 2016 Reddit post on that Squared Circle sub (That I'm banned from) Someone made a post theorizing that Brian Gewertz wasn't a real person, and Brian found this funny. The post in question
Brian briefly shades Jim Cornette, who has publicly criticized having "comedy writers" in wrestling, since Jim got in trouble for making a bad racist joke on Tv a couple years before the book came out.
Brian spent 16 years working in WWE and was called the "Hollywood Guy" the entire time, now that he is back in Hollywood and working on shows like "Young Rock" he is known as the "Wrestling Guy."
Brian is greatful for his time in WWE because in Hollywood everyone always tries to act tough and intimidate you, but after a decade and a half of fighting with Vince McMahon, Brian feels like he can't be intimidated anymore.

Melusine rewriting the laws of causality to get laid, Skadi writing self insert x Master doujins, Mash canonically being attracted to cardboard... Fate/Grand Order has accumulated a number of frankly maddening romances over its many years.
Let's delve into them.

Mash

Ah, the OG waifu. Best girl. For being there since the start, for being nice and vanilla and sweet, clearly her reasons for liking John Grandorder are simple, no? She's been traveling with them for three years, seen their best and worse, so-
No, Mash is canonically into cardboard. And when I say that, I don't mean the Master's boring or anything. What I'm saying is Mash is actually Fate Aizen and has developed a thousand year plan to manipulate Fujimaru into eventually losing any and all personality so she can have them as her perfect husbando/waifu.
The prelude to Camelot reveals that she is into perfectly average people. It then goes on to explain that no one at Chaldea fits that description so Mash refuses to associate with them. This raises several questions as to whether Chaldea has superpowered janitors or what but let's not delve into that. All I'm getting at here is that Mash is a Hater. Grand Hater. Type Hater.
Her interest in the Master will exist only so long as she is certain to accomplish her Master plan and we must do all in our power to prevent this from happening. FGO Part 3 is Mash vs Chaldea, Alaya, Gaia, All the Types and Zelretch teaming up to beat this monster, and the scary part?
The second side has no hope of victory.

Kiyohime

Her attraction to the Master derives from them somehow resembling her ex-crush, Anchin, an adult man, who made a joking promise to marry her the way you do to a child. Because Kiyohime is... TWELVE YEARS OLD. However, Kiyohime operates on ancient 1980s manga logic and took that to be a fully hearted promise. Upon discovering he didn't actually intend on dating a literal 12 year old, she, through sheer force of will, turned into a dragon and burnt him to death.
After this, she's trying to use the Master as a rebound. Regardless, this proves that psychosis and delusion are real and powerful forces in the Nasuverse which lends credence to the theory that mental damage is directly proportional to power level, but we're talking romance so let's move on!

Jeanne d'Arc

Jeanne Darc, the kind-hearted heroic saviour of France (if you disregard Kojirou) at some point in her life wished she had a brother. Fortunately, as there were less resources back then, this idea of hers disappeared as she went on to fight the English.
Unfortunately, in Chaldea, this hankering was lent support and Jeanne Darc discovered how it was to have a sibling. Rather concerningly, she didn't find this through asking people with siblings or reading stories about brother-sister duos, but by visiting Alabama for vacation.
Jeanne Darc is now the world's strongest Akiha route enjoyer.
Only problem is that she doesn't actually have a younger brother. She decides to get around this by using a laser beam to brainwash the Master into thinking she's their elder sister before giving them lap pillows, squeezing their hands tight, writing literal doujins, and working on a romance story to show them to slowly but surely progress their relationship so that she can one day have the FGO equivalent of the Illya route.

Kama

Kama somehow got into the Master's danbooru account, discovered their favourite tags, and is pissed that all they like is vanilla kissing and cuddling and stuff. She has made it her mission to corrupt the Master. Only thing is that Kama's idea of corruption is getting the Master into like, hand-holding and bear hugs, so she's not really accomplishing much.
Also, apparently having vanilla tastes is so incomprehensible to her that she wants to get closer to the Master to understand why in the world they'd think like that, which raises several questions as to what the hell the Hindu Gods are into.

Skadi

Skadi is competing with Mash to be Grand Hater. She tells Napoleon, Odin, who knows who else, to end thyselves. She's imprisoning her children in prison because otherwise she comes off as unavailable and look, it's been a couple centuries since she's had a date.
Alongside this, Skadi is into size differences and has no understanding of tact, hence causing her to give LITERAL WEDDING RINGS to poor underage John Grandorder, write doujins about a weak human (sure wonder who that could be) and a powerful Jotun (Hm. Clearly completely unrelated to Skadi, QUEEN OF THE JOTUN).
Skadi, who the hell shows doujins shipping yourself and someone else to that someone else??? I get you claim to love everyone, but there's a limit...

Lartoria

Ah, Arthur, King of the Britons. The heroic leader who built Camelot and saved the lands from the White Dragon. Surely he has nothing bad about him?
Yup. Arthur has nothing wrong with him.
Artoria? Oh, that's a different case.
Presumably after hearing about her Saber self who dated a 17 year old despite being 35, this Artoria has decided to outdo her and go far beyond weird to "genuinely what the hell".
Lartoria in her free time likes kidnapping young Japanese teenagers to her dreams and keeping them there.
Fortunately, the first emperor of Rome, apparently having nothing better to do that day, broke into Lartoria's dreams, screamed at the Master to confess already as apparently she was just planning to trap them there for all eternity unless they did that.
Having extorted a confession, Lartoria leaves, but vows this isn't the end as she later returns to kidnap the Master into a Singularity to try to get them into debt for fun and then invite them to her private VIP room after talking about how much she wishes there were more children in the world (Artoria, you are a Servant, it isn't physically possible for you to add to that number- STOP READING FATE/REQUIEM!).
Through these actions, we are shown that Mysterious Heroine X was right all along and all Saberfaces deserve jail time.

Baobhan Sith

Baobhan is a weird case not for anything innately odd about any of the romantic implications, but because of her bizzare dialogues that only become stranger the more you think about it in LB6.
So, Baobhan thinks that human men are just allowed to marry whoever they want. She waits for Beryl to marry her after marrying Morgan.
However, this is not the common opinion in Fae Britain. Barghest specifically comments that it's weird as hell and tells her to stop thinking that.
Further, Morgan never once teaches this to her as far as we see (nor does she have a reason to do so).
And lastly, Beryl himself, never states this either. He's way more concerned with Mash than teaching Baobhan wrong as a joke.
From this, we gauge that Baobhan Sith, independently, with no outside influence, has discovered the concept of the Akiha route.
And as she goes to Chaldea, Baobhan changes. She sees that many of her values were wrong and reforms in the better environment.
EXCEPT THIS ONE! Baobhan, for no apparent reason, really likes the Akiha route, and refuses to let go of the concept. Despite Morgan being married to Ritsuka, despite Barghest telling her that's weird, despite Ritsuka themself presumably working their ass off to tell Baobhan what's wrong and right, even though she reforms all her other evils, she clings onto this for no reason.
Baobhan remains entirely convinced this is perfectly okay. It's not even like she doesn't understand that it's weird and generally considered wrong since in her Summer valentine, she explicitly tells an imaginary Ritsuka in a rehearsal not to tell her mother she's giving them chocolate.
So... Why? As Morgan asks: "Why are you like this, Baobhan Sith?"

Morgan

While already discussed in this essay, let's put her into this because it's impossible not to.
Morgan was summoned and then immediately, because she really wanted to piss off PHH for some reason... called them her husband/wife as an insult(???). However, no one got the insult because it's a really weird thing to insult someone by calling them your husband. Morgan then just stuck with it for shits and giggles.
At some point, she further thought "Wait, wouldn't it also be really funny if I not only called the Master my husband but... also acted like his wife? Hah, that'd be hilarious!" because Morgan's sense of humour is incomprehensible after being warped by 2000 years of dealing with Fae who make fart jokes. She then began roleplaying a married life with the Master, much to everyone's confusion.
Then she got really into the roleplay and now has decided she's actually their wife despite us not knowing if the Master is actually reciprocating, and now she's vehemently limiting their interactions with other women because she's terrified of them cheating on her and is also incredibly possessive. Also, she got a wedding ring off camera as seen in her Summer skill animations so guess she somehow actually tied the knot at some point and it's a legal marriage?
Basically, Morgan has an incomprehensible sense of humour and is an unironic roleplayer utterly unable to differentiate reality and her imagination.

Oberon

Oberon really hates the Master. He's also aware that he'd make for a terrible partner. His conclusion? "I should date the Master so I can make them miserable with how bad a partner I am."
His reasoning is literally "I could make her worse."
...
Oh, and now we get to the real kicker of FGO's bizzare romances. Everything I mentioned till now was chump change.

...MELUSINE.

Melusine likes the Master because she created a bootstrap paradox by which she desperately needs to get the Master to love her because time will f**king collapse if she can't get in their pants.
I'm not exaggerating. Melusine is apparently omnitemporal and saw that the Master is her soulmate and they get together in the end, only problem being that the Master doesn't actually really care about her beyond cordiality so now she NEEDS to get the Master to like her to ensure that future occurs or god knows what will happen to the very flow of time (in her valentine, you can also ask "Can't fate change?" with regards to how clairvoyance sometimes fails, and she responds by saying "Not this one.") [Note: She says this because she doesn't intend on changing this, however if you read on, you'll see that even if she intended otherwise, it still couldn't be changed because that's not how causality works]
However, precisely because of this paradox guaranteeing the Master will eventually get with her or time will cease to function since the past depends on that future occurring, she's fully confident that the Master will eventually date her so she's fine with taking things slow.
That's what she tells the Master anyhow in her valentine, casually discussing how the reason why she immediately fell for the Master after getting summoned was that she literally saw them together as a couple in the future, not even thinking for a second how that means that it all operates by a bootstrap paradox that the only reason she's interested in the Master is because she saw them together in the future, which only occurs because she actively tried to seduce them, which in turn she only does because she saw said future of them dating and so on.
The obvious conclusion is that she's bluffing to get the Master in her pants?
Except, here's the thing. All other "romances" are isolated. Melusine's isn't. It makes constant references to the fact that the Master is already with Morgan. Melusine's fully aware of that but continues trying to get the Master to bang her. Basically, Melusine's ultimate aim is to 'Lancelot' Morgan.
Weirder still, Morgan is aware of this. Considering how possessive Morgan is, trying to get rid of all other Berserkers and what not, this would seem out of character for her to just let Melusine try to seduce her husband.
Therefore the only conclusion that can be drawn is that Melusine isn't lying and time will collapse by occurence of a paradox if she doesn't get the Master in her pants sooner or later, and that's why Morgan doesn't do anything to stop her. The alternative is the complete and utter collapse of all laws that make up reality.
That's right! FGO's writers have made it so Melusine getting with your Master and 'Lancelot-ing' Morgan is the literal crux of a time paradox. There's nothing you can do. Melusine's guaranteed future will pass and you will have gex with her. You have no choice but to Lancelot your wife and have gex with Melusine or BECAUSE THE PAST DEPENDS ON THAT FUTURE AND IF THAT FUTURE DOESN'T OCCUR THE PAST CAN'T HAPPEN AND OH GOD THE LAWS OF CAUSALITY ARE BREAKING!
FGO's writers came to the conclusion that rather than having any normal ol' romance, the players need A TIME PARADOX to occur in order for their main character to get a romantic interest, except then they wrote that the main character has platonic at best interest in Melusine so now it's more like the writers desperately needed to guarantee that Melusine could have a significant other as if she's the real main character via forcing the players to bang her via literal bootstrap paradox.
And considering how good her kit is and how much special treatment she's getting, you see what I'm getting at here?

Melusine is the real main character of FGO.

FIN

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4.5 out of 5 stars6,752 ratings
Shōgun, Part Two Audiobook By James Clavell cover art

1. Shōgun, Part Two

The Asian Saga, Book 1.2
Length: 29 hrs and 16 mins
5 out of 5 stars298 ratings
Fourth Wing (Part 1 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation) Audiobook By Rebecca Yarros cover art

1. Fourth Wing (Part 1 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation)

The Empyrean, Book 1
By: Rebecca Yarros
Narrated by: full cast, Scott McCormick, Troy Allan, Jessica Lauren Ball, Khaya Fraites, Gabriel Michael, Torian Brackett, Taylor Coan, LaMont Ridgell, Robb Moreira, Laura C. Harris, David Cui Cui
Series: Empyrean, Book Book 1, Part 1
Length: 7 hrs and 52 mins
Release date: 12-27-23
4.5 out of 5 stars536 ratings
Public Secrets Audiobook By Nora Roberts cover art

1. Public Secrets

By: Nora Roberts
Narrated by: Renee Raudman
Length: 20 hrs and 3 mins
Release date: 07-23-14
4.5 out of 5 stars5,337 ratings
Regular price: $32.89
Part of Your World Audiobook By Abby Jimenez cover art

1. Part of Your World

Narrated by: Julia Whelan, Zachary Webber
Series: Part of Your World, Book 1
Length: 10 hrs and 5 mins
Release date: 04-19-22
5 out of 5 stars6,906 ratings
Bridesmaid for Hire Audiobook By Meghan Quinn cover art

1. Bridesmaid for Hire

By: Meghan Quinn
Narrated by: Erin Mallon, Jason Clarke
Length: 13 hrs and 47 mins
4.5 out of 5 stars348 ratings
A Court of Mist and Fury (Part 1 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation) Audiobook By Sarah J. Maas cover art

1. A Court of Mist and Fury (Part 1 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation)

A Court of Thorns and Roses 2
Narrated by: Amanda Forstrom, Holly Adams, Nora Achrati, Anthony Palmini, Henry W. Kramer, Natalie Van Sistine, Megan Dominy, Gabriel Michael, Melody Muze, Shawn K. Jain, Jon Vertullo
Series: A Court of Thorns and Roses, Book 2, Part 1 Dramatized Adaptation
Length: 8 hrs and 26 mins
Release date: 06-01-22
5 out of 5 stars1,483 ratings
Restless Stars Audiobook By Caroline Peckham, Susanne Valenti cover art

1. Restless Stars

Zodiac Academy 9
By: Caroline Peckham, Susanne Valenti
Narrated by: Bridget Bordeaux, Jake Bordeaux
Series: Zodiac Academy, Book 9
Length: 34 hrs and 26 mins
Release date: 04-23-24
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The Ritual Audiobook By Shantel Tessier cover art

1. The Ritual

By: Shantel Tessier
Narrated by: Aiden Snow, Meg Sylvan
Series: L.O.R.D.S, Book 1
Length: 16 hrs and 12 mins
Release date: 05-09-23
4.5 out of 5 stars2,533 ratings
The Penthouse Affair Audiobook By Kendall Ryan cover art

1. The Penthouse Affair

Complete Series
By: Kendall Ryan
Narrated by: Andi Arndt, Jacob Morgan
Series: Penthouse Affair
Length: 9 hrs and 4 mins
Release date: 10-09-23
4.5 out of 5 stars305 ratings
Sale price: $6.99 (64% off)
Funny Story Audiobook By Emily Henry cover art

1. Funny Story

By: Emily Henry
Narrated by: Julia Whelan
Length: 11 hrs and 23 mins
A Court This Cruel and Lovely Audiobook By Stacia Stark cover art

1. A Court This Cruel and Lovely

Kingdom of Lies, Book 1
By: Stacia Stark
Narrated by: Tim Paige, Meg Sylvan
Series: Kingdom of Lies, Book 1
Length: 14 hrs and 1 min
Release date: 10-24-23
4.5 out of 5 stars452 ratings
Sale price: $6.99 (74% off)
Regular price: $27.29
Credence Audiobook By Penelope Douglas cover art

1. Credence

By: Penelope Douglas
Narrated by: Sofia Willingham, Greg Tremblay, Carson Beck, Michael Pauley
Length: 16 hrs and 55 mins
Release date: 11-04-20
4.5 out of 5 stars6,811 ratings
The Ashes and the Star-Cursed King Audiobook By Carissa Broadbent cover art

1. The Ashes and the Star-Cursed King

Crowns of Nyaxia, Book 2
Narrated by: Amanda Leigh Cobb, Aiden Snow
Series: Crowns of Nyaxia, Book 2
Length: 19 hrs and 27 mins
4.5 out of 5 stars768 ratings
Regular price: $44.99
A Court of Mist and Fury (Part 2 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation) Audiobook By Sarah J. Maas cover art

1. A Court of Mist and Fury (Part 2 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation)

A Court of Thorns and Roses, Book 2
Narrated by: Amanda Forstrom, Dawn Ursula, Nora Achrati, Darius Johnson, Anthony Palmini, Henry W. Kramer, Natalie Van Sistine, Gabriel Michael, Melody Muze, Jon Vertullo, Mike Carnes
Series: A Court of Thorns and Roses, Book 2, Part 2 Dramatized Adaptation
Length: 8 hrs and 23 mins
Release date: 07-01-22
5 out of 5 stars1,281 ratings
A Kingdom of Flesh and Fire Audiobook By Jennifer L. Armentrout cover art

1. A Kingdom of Flesh and Fire

Blood and Ash, Book 2
Series: Blood and Ash, Book 2
Length: 24 hrs and 21 mins
Release date: 11-03-20
5 out of 5 stars14,015 ratings
It Starts with Us Audiobook By Colleen Hoover cover art

1. It Starts with Us

Narrated by: Colin Donnell, Olivia Song
Series: It Ends with Us, Book 2
Length: 8 hrs and 41 mins
Release date: 10-18-22
4.5 out of 5 stars32,861 ratings
Regular price: $18.74
Things We Never Got Over Audiobook By Lucy Score cover art

1. Things We Never Got Over

By: Lucy Score
Narrated by: Lila Winters, Sebastian York
Series: Knockemout, Book 1
Length: 16 hrs and 1 min
Release date: 03-01-22
4.5 out of 5 stars12,796 ratings
Onyx Storm Audiobook By Rebecca Yarros cover art

1. Onyx Storm

The Empyrean, Book 3
Series: Empyrean, Book 3
Length: 14 hrs and 15 mins
Release date: 01-21-25
Regular price: $31.49
A Court of Silver Flames (2 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation) Audiobook By Sarah J. Maas cover art

1. A Court of Silver Flames (2 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation)

A Court of Thorns and Roses, Book 5
Narrated by: Colleen Delany, Shawn K. Jain, Wyn Delano, Natalie Van Sistine, Jon Vertullo, Aure Nash, Renee Dorian, Anthony Palmini, Melody Muze, Nora Achrati, Matthew Bassett
Series: A Court of Thorns and Roses, Book 5 part 2, Dramatized Adaptation
Length: 10 hrs and 33 mins
Release date: 10-30-23
5 out of 5 stars288 ratings
The Crown of Gilded Bones Audiobook By Jennifer L. Armentrout cover art

1. The Crown of Gilded Bones

Blood and Ash, Book 3
Series: Blood and Ash, Book 3
Length: 25 hrs and 22 mins
Release date: 04-20-21
4.5 out of 5 stars12,054 ratings
A Court of Wings and Ruin (Part 2 of 3) (Dramatized Adaptation) Audiobook By Sarah J. Maas cover art

1. A Court of Wings and Ruin (Part 2 of 3) (Dramatized Adaptation)

A Court of Thorns and Roses, Book 3
Narrated by: Amanda Forstrom, Danny Gavigan, Holly Adams, Matthew Bassett, Anthony Palmini, Natalie Van Sistine, Gabriel Michael, Melody Muze, Karenna Foley, Jon Vertullo, Shawn K. Jain
Series: A Court of Thorns and Roses, Book 3, Part 2 Dramatized Adaptation
Length: 6 hrs and 31 mins
Release date: 10-01-22
5 out of 5 stars684 ratings
The War of Two Queens Audiobook By Jennifer L. Armentrout cover art

1. The War of Two Queens

Blood and Ash, Book 4
Narrated by: Stina Nielsen, Tim Campbell
Series: Blood and Ash, Book 4
Length: 26 hrs and 38 mins
Release date: 03-15-22
4.5 out of 5 stars9,628 ratings
King of Wrath Audiobook By Ana Huang cover art

1. King of Wrath

Kings of Sin
By: Ana Huang
Narrated by: Jacob Morgan, Emily Woo Zeller
Series: Kings of Sin, Book 1
Length: 12 hrs and 5 mins
Release date: 04-06-23
4.5 out of 5 stars1,822 ratings
Sale price: $6.99 (71% off)
Yours Truly Audiobook By Abby Jimenez cover art

1. Yours Truly

Narrated by: Kyla Garcia, Zachary Webber
Series: Part of Your World, Book 2
Release date: 04-11-23
4.5 out of 5 stars2,617 ratings
You Shouldn’t Have Come Here Audiobook By Jeneva Rose cover art

1. You Shouldn’t Have Come Here

By: Jeneva Rose
Narrated by: Andrew Eiden, Andi Arndt
Length: 8 hrs and 1 min
Release date: 04-25-23
4 out of 5 stars3,755 ratings
Regular price: $20.00
Twisted Love Audiobook By Ana Huang cover art

1. Twisted Love

Twisted, Book 1
Narrated by: Cindy Kay, Aiden Snow
Series: Twisted, Book 1
Length: 10 hrs and 41 mins
Release date: 06-07-22
4.5 out of 5 stars2,736 ratings
Regular price: $21.49
Own Me Audiobook By K. A. Tucker cover art

1. Own Me

Wolf Hotel, Book 5
By: K. A. Tucker
Narrated by: Avery Reid
Series: Wolf Hotel Series, Book 5
Length: 9 hrs and 23 mins
Release date: 03-19-24
5 out of 5 stars433 ratings
To Sir Phillip, with Love Audiobook By Julia Quinn cover art

1. To Sir Phillip, with Love

By: Julia Quinn
Narrated by: Rosalyn Landor
Series: Bridgertons, Book 5
Length: 11 hrs and 10 mins
Release date: 07-11-17
4.5 out of 5 stars6,376 ratings
Where's Molly Audiobook By H. D. Carlton cover art

1. Where's Molly

Narrated by: Michelle Sparks, Sebastian York
Length: 5 hrs and 58 mins
Release date: 04-01-24
5 out of 5 stars237 ratings
When He Was Wicked Audiobook By Julia Quinn cover art

1. When He Was Wicked

Series: Bridgertons, Book 6
Length: 11 hrs and 29 mins
Release date: 03-17-20
4.5 out of 5 stars4,557 ratings
Sale price: $6.99 (67% off)
A Soul of Ash and Blood Audiobook By Jennifer L. Armentrout cover art

1. A Soul of Ash and Blood

Blood and Ash, Book 5
Narrated by: Tim Campbell
Series: Blood and Ash, Book 5
Length: 19 hrs and 43 mins
Release date: 07-18-23
4 out of 5 stars1,919 ratings
The Perfect Fit Audiobook By Sadie Kincaid cover art

1. The Perfect Fit

By: Sadie Kincaid
Narrated by: Maxine Mitchell, Aaron Shedlock, Grayson Owens, Bryant Walker
Length: 10 hrs and 28 mins
Release date: 04-04-24
5 out of 5 stars152 ratings

1. Icebreaker

By: Hannah Grace
Narrated by: Elizabeth Louise, Tim Paige
Series: The Maple Hills Series, Book 1
Length: 13 hrs and 23 mins
Release date: 11-23-22
4.5 out of 5 stars3,197 ratings
The Idea of You Audiobook By Robinne Lee cover art

1. The Idea of You

By: Robinne Lee
Narrated by: Robinne Lee
Length: 11 hrs and 55 mins
Release date: 04-03-18
4.5 out of 5 stars2,587 ratings
This Could Be Us Audiobook By Kennedy Ryan cover art

1. This Could Be Us

By: Kennedy Ryan
Narrated by: Ines del Castillo, Jakobi Diem, Kennedy Ryan
Series: Skyland, Book 2
Length: 12 hrs and 20 mins
Release date: 03-05-24
5 out of 5 stars1,028 ratings
Avenging Angel Audiobook By Kristen Ashley cover art

1. Avenging Angel

Avenging Angel, Book 1
By: Kristen Ashley
Narrated by: Stella Bloom
Series: Avenging Angel, Book 1
Length: 11 hrs and 16 mins
4.5 out of 5 stars187 ratings
The Graham Effect Audiobook By Elle Kennedy cover art

1. The Graham Effect

Campus Diaries, Book 1
By: Elle Kennedy
Narrated by: CJ Bloom, Teddy Hamilton
Series: Campus Diaries, Book 1
Length: 14 hrs and 3 mins
Release date: 10-31-23
5 out of 5 stars561 ratings
Regular price: $20.99
The Last Eligible Billionaire Audiobook By Pippa Grant cover art

1. The Last Eligible Billionaire

By: Pippa Grant
Narrated by: Virginia Rose, Teddy Hamilton
Length: 9 hrs and 34 mins
4.5 out of 5 stars1,696 ratings
A Fate Inked in Blood Audiobook By Danielle L. Jensen cover art

1. A Fate Inked in Blood

Saga of the Unfated, Book 1
By: Danielle L. Jensen
Narrated by: Nina Yndis
Series: Unfated, Book 1
Length: 15 hrs and 16 mins
Release date: 02-27-24
4.5 out of 5 stars582 ratings
Regular price: $22.50
Ugly Love Audiobook By Colleen Hoover cover art

1. Ugly Love

Narrated by: Grace Grant, Deacon Lee
Length: 9 hrs and 14 mins
Release date: 08-05-14
4.5 out of 5 stars29,294 ratings
Happy Place Audiobook By Emily Henry cover art

1. Happy Place

Length: 11 hrs and 3 mins
4 out of 5 stars5,140 ratings
Things We Hide from the Light Audiobook By Lucy Score cover art

1. Things We Hide from the Light

Series: Knockemout, Book 2
Length: 17 hrs and 36 mins
Release date: 02-21-23
4.5 out of 5 stars2,401 ratings
Birthday Girl Audiobook By Penelope Douglas cover art

1. Birthday Girl

Narrated by: Andrew Eiden, Jennifer Mack
Length: 13 hrs and 13 mins
Release date: 08-07-18
4.5 out of 5 stars8,964 ratings
Things We Left Behind Audiobook By Lucy Score cover art

1. Things We Left Behind

Series: Knockemout, Book 3
Length: 19 hrs and 14 mins
Release date: 09-05-23
4.5 out of 5 stars2,325 ratings
The Beloved Audiobook By J.R. Ward cover art

1. The Beloved

The Black Dagger Brotherhood, Book 22
By: J.R. Ward
Narrated by: Jim Frangione
Series: The Black Dagger Brotherhood Series, Book 22
Length: 13 hrs and 4 mins
5 out of 5 stars195 ratings
The Home-Wrecker Audiobook By Sara Cate cover art

1. The Home-Wrecker

The Goode Brothers
By: Sara Cate
Narrated by: Ava Erickson, Tim Paige, Aiden Snow
Series: Goode Brothers
Length: 12 hrs and 50 mins
Release date: 04-15-24
4.5 out of 5 stars3 ratings
The Witch's Heart Audiobook By Genevieve Gornichec cover art

1. The Witch's Heart

By: Genevieve Gornichec
Narrated by: Jayne Entwistle
Length: 12 hrs and 4 mins
Release date: 02-09-21
4.5 out of 5 stars2,663 ratings
A Kingdom This Cursed and Empty Audiobook By Stacia Stark cover art

1. A Kingdom This Cursed and Empty

Kingdom of Lies, Book 2
Series: Kingdom of Lies, Book 2
Length: 13 hrs and 51 mins
Release date: 11-14-23
4.5 out of 5 stars294 ratings
Brazen Virtue Audiobook By Nora Roberts cover art

1. Brazen Virtue

Narrated by: Hillary Huber
Series: D.C. Detectives, Book 2
Release date: 06-13-23
4.5 out of 5 stars230 ratings
Ready or Not Audiobook By Cara Bastone cover art

1. Ready or Not

By: Cara Bastone
Narrated by: Alex Finke
Length: 10 hrs and 50 mins
Release date: 02-13-24
4.5 out of 5 stars649 ratings
The Starless Sea Audiobook By Erin Morgenstern cover art

1. The Starless Sea

By: Erin Morgenstern
Narrated by: Dominic Hoffman, full cast
Length: 18 hrs and 37 mins
Release date: 11-05-19
4 out of 5 stars6,647 ratings
Regular price: $24.75
The Single Dads Club Audiobook By Kendall Ryan cover art

1. The Single Dads Club

Narrated by: Erin Mallon, Jason Clark, Joe Arden, Ava Erickson, Jeremy York, Andi Arndt, Tim Paige
Length: 19 hrs and 24 mins
Release date: 10-12-23
4.5 out of 5 stars49 ratings
Sale price: $7.99 (67% off)
Sale ends in 13d 15h 40m 3s
A Shadow in the Ember Audiobook By Jennifer L. Armentrout cover art

1. A Shadow in the Ember

Flesh and Fire, Book 1
Series: Flesh and Fire, Book 1
Length: 25 hrs and 7 mins
Release date: 10-19-21
5 out of 5 stars7,180 ratings
A Fire in the Flesh Audiobook By Jennifer L. Armentrout cover art

1. A Fire in the Flesh

Flesh and Fire, Book 3
Series: Flesh and Fire, Book 3
Length: 24 hrs and 3 mins
4.5 out of 5 stars1,476 ratings
Iron Flame (Part 1 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation) Audiobook By Rebecca Yarros cover art

1. Iron Flame (Part 1 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation)

The Empyrean, Book 2
Narrated by: full cast
Series: Empyrean, Book Book 2, Part 1
Length: 11 hrs
Release date: 05-17-24
Regular price: $28.69
Hate Notes Audiobook By Vi Keeland, Penelope Ward cover art

1. Hate Notes

By: Vi Keeland, Penelope Ward
Narrated by: Sebastian York, Lynn Barrington
Length: 8 hrs and 17 mins
Release date: 11-06-18
4.5 out of 5 stars8,448 ratings
The Pucking Wrong Date Audiobook By C.R. Jane cover art

1. The Pucking Wrong Date

The Pucking Wrong Series, Book 3
By: C.R. Jane
Narrated by: Troy Duran, Alexis Paige
Series: The Pucking Wrong Series, Book 3
Length: 10 hrs and 18 mins
Release date: 04-16-24
5 out of 5 stars17 ratings
Regular price: $54.99
The Last Letter Audiobook By Rebecca Yarros cover art

1. The Last Letter

Narrated by: Teddy Hamilton, Jennifer Stark
Release date: 04-23-19
4.5 out of 5 stars1,918 ratings
Until It Was Love Audiobook By Pippa Grant cover art

1. Until It Was Love

Narrated by: Samantha Brentmoor, Jason Clarke
Length: 10 hrs and 3 mins
Release date: 04-10-24
5 out of 5 stars44 ratings
Nevermore Bookstore Audiobook By Kerrigan Byrne, Cynthia St. Aubin cover art

1. Nevermore Bookstore

Townsend Harbor, Book 1
By: Kerrigan Byrne, Cynthia St. Aubin
Narrated by: Teddy Hamilton, Stella Hunter
Series: Townsend Harbor, Book 1
Length: 9 hrs and 26 mins
Release date: 10-03-23
4.5 out of 5 stars30 ratings
Inheritance Audiobook By Nora Roberts cover art

1. Inheritance

The Lost Bride Trilogy, Book 1
Narrated by: Brittany Pressley, Nora Roberts
Series: The Lost Bride Trilogy, Book 1
Length: 13 hrs and 58 mins
Release date: 11-21-23
4.5 out of 5 stars2,114 ratings
Regular price: $20.24
The Rule Book Audiobook By Sarah Adams cover art

1. The Rule Book

By: Sarah Adams
Narrated by: Hathaway Lee, Will Damron
4.5 out of 5 stars87 ratings
Regular price: $18.00
Twisted Games Audiobook By Ana Huang cover art

1. Twisted Games

Twisted, Book 2
Series: Twisted, Book 2
Length: 13 hrs and 14 mins
Release date: 06-28-22
4.5 out of 5 stars1,587 ratings
Where the Crawdads Sing Audiobook By Delia Owens cover art

1. Where the Crawdads Sing

By: Delia Owens
Narrated by: Cassandra Campbell
Length: 12 hrs and 12 mins
Release date: 08-14-18
5 out of 5 stars294,711 ratings
Twisted Lies Audiobook By Ana Huang cover art

1. Twisted Lies

Twisted, Book 4
Narrated by: Aiden Snow, Cindy Kay
Series: Twisted, Book 4
Length: 16 hrs and 23 mins
Release date: 11-03-22
4.5 out of 5 stars1,885 ratings
Regular price: $15.97
Flock Audiobook By Kate Stewart cover art

1. Flock

The Ravenhood, Book 1
By: Kate Stewart
Narrated by: Maxine Mitchell, Joe Arden
Series: The Ravenhood, Book 1
Length: 10 hrs and 12 mins
Release date: 05-11-21
4.5 out of 5 stars7,109 ratings
Before I Met You Audiobook By Lisa Jewell cover art

1. Before I Met You

By: Lisa Jewell
Narrated by: Helen Duff
Length: 15 hrs and 14 mins
4.5 out of 5 stars3,192 ratings
Sale price: $7.99 (70% off)
Zodiac Academy Audiobook By Caroline Peckham, Susanne Valenti cover art

1. Zodiac Academy

The Awakening: An Academy Bully Romance
Narrated by: Bridget Bordeaux
Series: Zodiac Academy, Book 1
Length: 12 hrs and 10 mins
Release date: 05-10-21
4.5 out of 5 stars4,187 ratings
Dr. Single Dad Audiobook By Louise Bay cover art

1. Dr. Single Dad

By: Louise Bay
Narrated by: Shane East, Zara Hampton-Brown
Series: Doctors, Book 5
Length: 8 hrs and 5 mins
5 out of 5 stars29 ratings
Fated to the Wolf: The Complete Series Audiobook By Heather Renee, Mystics and Mayhem cover art

1. Fated to the Wolf: The Complete Series

By: Heather Renee, Mystics and Mayhem
Narrated by: Michelle Sparks, Noel Harrison
Series: Fated to the Wolf
Length: 20 hrs and 35 mins
Release date: 08-04-23
4.5 out of 5 stars114 ratings
Sale price: $7.99 (73% off)
A Light in the Flame Audiobook By Jennifer L. Armentrout cover art

1. A Light in the Flame

Flesh and Fire, Book 2
Series: Flesh and Fire, Book 2
Length: 26 hrs and 27 mins
Release date: 11-15-22
5 out of 5 stars3,991 ratings
A Touch of Chaos Audiobook By Scarlett St. Clair cover art

1. A Touch of Chaos

Hades & Persephone, Book 4
By: Scarlett St. Clair
Narrated by: Meg Sylvan, Tyler Donne
Series: Hades & Persephone, Book 4
Length: 16 hrs and 54 mins
Release date: 03-12-24
4.5 out of 5 stars473 ratings
Neighbors Audiobook By Danielle Steel cover art

1. Neighbors

By: Danielle Steel
Narrated by: James Babson
Length: 7 hrs and 34 mins
Release date: 01-05-21
4.5 out of 5 stars1,384 ratings
Carnage Audiobook By Shantel Tessier cover art

1. Carnage

Series: L.O.R.D.S, Book 4
Length: 18 hrs and 29 mins
Release date: 01-25-24
4.5 out of 5 stars611 ratings
The Friend Zone Audiobook By Abby Jimenez cover art

1. The Friend Zone

Narrated by: Teddy Hamilton, Erin Mallon
Series: Friend Zone, Book 1
Length: 9 hrs and 32 mins
Release date: 06-11-19
4.5 out of 5 stars5,702 ratings
Den of Vipers Audiobook By K.A. Knight cover art

1. Den of Vipers

By: K.A. Knight
Narrated by: Cornell Collins, Hollie Jackson
Length: 19 hrs and 19 mins
4 out of 5 stars5,173 ratings
Regular price: $39.99
Before I Let Go Audiobook By Kennedy Ryan cover art

1. Before I Let Go

Narrated by: Wesleigh Siobhan, Jakobi Diem
Series: Skyland, Book 1
Length: 13 hrs and 45 mins
5 out of 5 stars3,968 ratings
The Seven Year Slip Audiobook By Ashley Poston cover art

1. The Seven Year Slip

By: Ashley Poston
Narrated by: Brittany Pressley
Length: 9 hrs and 43 mins
Release date: 06-27-23
4.5 out of 5 stars828 ratings
Contract of a Billionaire Audiobook By Eva Winners cover art

1. Contract of a Billionaire

Billionaire Kings, Book 1
By: Eva Winners
Narrated by: Aiden Snow, Brooke Daniels
Series: Billionaire Kings, Book 1
Length: 10 hrs and 35 mins
Release date: 09-26-23
5 out of 5 stars229 ratings
Fangirl Down Audiobook By Tessa Bailey cover art

1. Fangirl Down

By: Tessa Bailey
Narrated by: Callie Dalton
Series: Big Shots, Book 1
4.5 out of 5 stars371 ratings
Regular price: $21.59
Pucking Around Audiobook By Emily Rath cover art

1. Pucking Around

A Why Choose Hockey Romance (Jacksonville Rays, Book 1)
By: Emily Rath
Narrated by: Amy Hall, Alex Kydd, Ash Beverly
Series: Jacksonville Rays Series, Book 1
Length: 24 hrs and 41 mins
Release date: 10-17-23
4.5 out of 5 stars798 ratings
Meet Me at the Lake Audiobook By Carley Fortune cover art

1. Meet Me at the Lake

By: Carley Fortune
Narrated by: A.J. Bridel, Carley Fortune
Length: 9 hrs and 56 mins
Release date: 05-02-23
4 out of 5 stars465 ratings

LSD: The Problem-solving Psychedelic. Peter Stafford and Bonnie Golightly. 1967. 5. Education and the Psychedelics (‘Skills’ section)
​
The foregoing represents perhaps the major advantage of the psychedelics as applied to education, but in more pragmatic matters, such as learning languages and acquiring skills (typing, dancing, piano playing, faster reading), the drugs are also of practical aid. Outlandish claims, however, are sometimes made—claims that are unsubstantiated or based on rare cases. On a CBS television program in "The Defenders" series, the protagonist, on trial for giving LSD to a youth who subsequently killed himself, performed an extraordinary memory feat. He said that he was able to put himself in an "LSD state" at will as a result of total familiarity with the drug, and he astounded the drama's courtroom (and undoubtedly the viewing audience) with an extensive example of total recall.
There are few, if any, LSD researchers who would give credence to this demonstration, but nonetheless there are instances of less extravagant LSD accomplishments which came about through memory enhancement. The most notable and the one most often used as illustration is language learning. The process is similar to that of technical and creative problem solving. A student, who learned enough German in a week to enroll for a second-year college course in the subject, describes the technique:

It was a week before registration and it depressed me tremendously that I had not spent the summer learning German, as I had planned. I had intended to give myself a crash course so I could take second-year German, which I needed for my study in physics. I had heard of a woman who had learned enough Spanish in a few days, via LSD, to speak it fluently when she had to go to Mexico on business. I had taken LSD before, and while I couldn't see how she did this, I decided it was worth a try.
I hadn't even gotten around to picking up a textbook, but I did have a close friend who knew German well and who said he was willing to "sit in" while I took the drug and try to teach me the language. Fortunately, I knew something about conjugation and declension, so I wasn't completely at sea.
I wanted to get worked up and feel involved with the language, as it seemed that this must be at least part of the key to the problem, so I asked my friend to tell me about Schiller and Goethe, and why the verb came at the end. Almost immediately, after just a story or two, I knew I had been missing a lot in ignoring the Germans, and I really got excited.
The thing that impressed me at first was the delicacy of the language (he was now giving me some simple words and phrases), and though I really messed it up, I was trying hard to imitate his pronunciation as I had never tried to mimic anything before. For most people German may be "guttural," but for me it was light and lacey. Before long, I was catching on even to the umlauts. Things were speeding up like mad, and there were floods of associations. My friend had only to give me a German word, and almost immediately I knew what it was through cognates. It turned out that it wasn't even necessary for him to ask me what it sounded like.
Memory, of course, is a matter of association, and boy, was I ever linking up to things! I had no difficulty recalling words he had given me—in fact, I was eager to string them together. In a couple of hours after that I was reading even some simple German, and it all made sense.
The whole experience was an explosion of discoveries. Normally, when you've been working on something for a long time and finally discover a solution, you get excited, and you can see implications everywhere. Much more than if you heard someone else discovering the same-thing. Now this discovery thing, that's what was happening with me—but all the time. The threshold of understanding was extremely low, so that with every new phrase I felt I was making major discoveries. When I was reading, it was as though I had discovered the Rosetta Stone and the world was waiting for my translation. Really wild!

After "Falling in love with German," on the basis of this one LSD session this student then went on the following day to read Mann's Dr. Faustus. He had both the original text and an English translation. By the time he had finished the novel, he found that he was scarcely referring to the English version. He also discovered that in having read that much German, he had developed a feeling for grammar structure and word endings that was almost intuitive. When his friend questioned him, he said he could not readily explain what the third-person singular past-tense ending was, but he demonstrated that he could use it. In this sense, he had learned the language as a child learns it, not as it is taught in formal instruction. When he registered for German 210, an intensive reading course, the following week, the instructor expressed skepticism when he heard the student was self-taught. Upon testing him, however, it was soon evident that his German reading comprehension was well above average.
Others who claim to have learned skills through using LSD express surprise at the ease and scope of their gains, particularly since they were made in a relatively brief period of time. One man, who had always been afraid of water, realized that not only were his fears groundless, but he could comfortably swim around after using LSD. Following two subsequent-lessons, he was fairly proficient at the Australian crawl. One woman claims to have learned two years of piano instruction in one session. While at the piano, she felt a "direct connection between her hands and her brain, so that she only had to think of the music and it was played."
The explanation generally given for these stepped-up learning capacities is that LSD makes possible total absorption and at the same time "inhibits the inhibitors" in the psyche. The drug brings about a state of surrender, but far from the surrender of resignation; rather, it is the surrendering up of the psyche's forces to the channels of discovery, change and acquisition of skills. LSD encapsulates one in an emotionally charged receptivity, in which it seems silly and pointless not to "give in," and sometimes this results in practical or profitable attachments.
Bernard Roseman, for example in LSD the Age of Mind, found it behooved him to become involved with the practical endeavor of typing. In detailing his system for becoming an accomplished typist through psychedelics, he emphasized the necessity for knowing the basics of the touch-system. Once this was acquired, with a fair rhythm, he offered the following advice for "drumming in" a conditioned response:

Take [the drug] while typing and continue right through the transition period (where one's consciousness changes).
Now here is where "will power" comes in, as you will find yourself inventing a thousand reasons why typing is useless and you could not care less about learning it. It would be so pleasant to stop and listen to a little music or just meditate. Well, if you wish to accomplish something with psychedelics that lingers on into your ordinary state, you must exert an act of will. By doing nothing but letting that state direct you, a pleasant time will be had, but little accomplished.
Therefore you must continue this regime... if possible up to fourteen hours....
It will feel as if you have been typing for centuries locked in a small enclosure with but one action to perform. When the drug wears off, go to sleep. It is almost guaranteed your mind will still be seeing numbers and letters, and your fingers will jerk as they wish to automatically respond to the actions required of them. Upon awakening, go back to the typewriter. You will be amazed to see your speed and accuracy greatly improved. A force will seem to grab your hands, and your fingers will fight to obey. The typewriter is now a permanent part of you, and the impression made can never be erased.

Remember the deleted scene from the "Crimes of Grindelwald" where Dumbledore told Newt in London after using the Deluminator about Grindelwald's mysterious vision? Newt asked Dumbledore why he had sent him to New York, and Dumbledore told Newt that many years ago Grindelwald had a vision in which he saw a powerful Obscurial killing the man Gellert feared most, to which Newt said "you" and Dumbledore nodded, adding "I thought you could deprive Grindelwald of his weapon, not by killing Credence, but by saving him."
When Dumbledore and Grindelwald were friends, Albus told Gellert that the Muggles had destroyed his family and Ariana had become the Obscurial. The vision about which Dumbledore told Newt, Grindelwald probably experienced during the summer of 1899. Grindelwald saw in a vision a fight between Dumbledore and Credence in Berlin, but he did not saw the face of the Obscurial, only a very powerful Obscurus. Grindelwald stated that no wizard, even someone as powerful as Dumbledore, would not stood a chance against such an Obscurus. And since the only living Obscurial known to them at that time was Ariana, Grindelwald concluded that Ariana was the Obscurial from the vision who was supposed to kill Albus in the future. Grindelwald confessed this to Albus and began to watch out for Ariana, hoping that she would be his powerful weapon against the Muggles. Unfortunately, something happened that Grindelwald did not expect. One day, there was an argument in the Dumbledore's home, in which Aberforth accused Albus of wanting to abandon his sick sister and go away with a man he had barely met in order to control the Muggles and search for the Deathly Hallows. Grindelwald called Aberforth a fool standing in the way of him and Albus. Aberforth and Albus drew their wands, but Grindelwald was faster and placed the Cruciatus Curse on Aberforth. Aberforth screamed in pain and Grindelwald laughed, while Albus was asking Gellert to stop hurting Albus's siblings and not to forcing him to hurt him. Albus then realized how sick man Gellert was, and how blinded he was by his love for Grindelwald. At one point, Grindelwald withdrew the curse out of respect for Albus, and Aberforth took advantage of the moment and casted a curse at Grindelwald, but he missed. Grindelwald then became very furious with him and began dueling Aberforth. Albus also joined the fight. Despite the created earlier Blood Pact, a duel took place, because Grindelwald wanted to kill Aberforth and Albus wanted to protect Aberforth. Ariana, who was downstairs, heard the entire argument and noises coming from upstairs, so she went upstairs completely terrified. She was unable to control her emotions, and when she wanted to release the Obscurus to end the boys' fight, she was hit by Grindelwald's Killing Curse aimed at Aberforth. Grindelwald must have been very disappointed when Ariana fell dead as a result of this fight. From that fateful day, Gellert became Albus' enemy. Grindelwald was shaken and furious with himself at the same time, he quickly fled to Bagshot's home, said that there had been an accident, and then used the Portkey created by Bathilda, cutting off contact with Albus for years. Grindelwald fled because he didn't want to be accused of Ariana's death, because he already had something on his conscience in his country. Aberforth blamed Albus for Ariana's death for the rest of Albus' life, and Albus himself allowed Aberforth to treat him this way because he knew that Aberforth was right that Albus' and Grindelwald's plans contributed to Ariana's death, so Albus himself felt as if he himself had killed Ariana (Just like Sirius, who felt as if he himself had killed James and Lily). Albus had been putting off meeting Grindelwald again for many years, not only because of the Blood Pact, but because he was afraid that he himself had killed Ariana, and he was sure that Grindelwald knew the truth.

I’ve spoken with God.
If you consider yourself a sane individual, then you’ve already labeled me as crazy. I understand, and I don’t fault you for doing so. But I have no explanation for what I’ve experienced, other than the fact that I had spoken with something that I knew to be the cause of consciousness, the source of our waking from the primordial, the one who’d ushered us into a dark forest with spears in hand and fear in our hearts.
Is it any wonder, then, that Christianity birthed a new image? A more favourable and familiar visage of God and the heavens above? One that allows the suspension of all universal law so that one may pass through the gates and enter a land of eternal bliss? So unmoving are these foundations, that death not be the end (when in truth there is more comfort in the oblivion of conscious thought than there is in eternal life), that any who dare question otherwise be labeled a heretic, a non-believer. The truly self-righteous among us do not question their faith. I, on the other hand, had no faith, and what I believe in now is well beyond the realm of sacrificial sons and a promise that eternal salvation is gifted to the firmest of believer's.
I did not believe in God, nor did I join the ranks of those who deemed it impossible that God existed. The word ‘God’ itself does not lend credence to its true form, for the Christian mind is quick to conjure the image of a bearded omnipotent man in the sky. I tell you, that is not what God looks like.
Would you like to know the truth?
Do you really wish to see the face of God?
Your curiosity will be swift to betray you, but I haven’t slept for several nights and I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again, so I suppose I could use the company.
I’ve never lived, nor have I ever known, a good life, but God loves its lowest of creatures, and I am among their ranks. Why God had decided to visit me in particular is one of those things I would assume falls under the category of “mysterious ways”. The thing is, I hadn’t known I was speaking with God until mid-conversation. It was like fading into a dream, the in-between from wakefulness to dreamscape being a blank spot in my mind. During our palaver, every black deed and awful offence I kept under lock and key came pouring from my mouth. God was listening. It sat across from me in a derelict factory. The drum-fire had burned down, and although I tried to make out the fluttering form that I shared my darkest secrets with, it felt as if I were trying to stare at the sun. The sensation was an inverse feeling, though. It was not that Gods radiance was too beautiful and bright to behold, but that its image was too difficult, too dark to fully comprehend, as if staring into the heart of an all-consuming black hole. The few glimpses of God that I had caught are scorched into my mind with such ferocity that they’ve burnt away whole sections of my childhood memories. For example, I can no longer remember the faces of my parents.
God did not make us in its image, for if it had, we would dwell within caves and mewl beneath moonlight. If ever there were a creature on this planet that came even remotely close to the likeness of the almighty, then it is the brine shrimp, or the sea monkey as it is better known, that looks and acts like our Lord who art not in heaven, but on this twisted rock it calls home. Its restless legs twitched like those of a dying insect, kicking up plumes of dust and pebble from time to time. Too many joints. That’s one thing that I cannot forget. Those ligaments of God, and how they canted at strange angles and squirmed with sickening motion. It tittered at my confessions and purred when I spoke of my most wicked deeds.
When I had confessed all that I could, right down to the smallest crumb of debauchery, there was the sound of echoing whispers that flung themselves against rusted pipes and broken concrete. In those echoes, I could hear the confessions of others who’d awoken to find themselves in the presence of God. They spoke of black deeds not dissimilar from my own, and some that were far worse. There were confessions told in hushed English, but there were others in languages I could not place, some in languages near guttural and with clumsy, primal inflection. Within the mix were my own sins both great and small. I heard my confessions mingling with a thousand other whisperers. Then there was silence. The cacophony had ceased, and the only sound I could hear was that of my own ragged breath keeping pace with the erratic beating of my heart. God did not speak, but I knew it still sat across from me. The moment had been but a fraction of a second, yet the hush had felt eternal, elongated to an unnatural length. Then I felt something touch my hand. It was the coldest sensation I’d ever known, and in that touch, a touch as icy as the surface of a planet in the darkest reaches of our universe, I saw truth no human should ever behold.
Black is the sky when stars begin to die.
Before God departed, it spoke in a voice that buzzed like cicadas in the peak of summers heat. The words that came forth nearly split my skull wide, and so strange were Gods words that I knew I’d ponder their meaning until my last breath.
“Faceless are the many and joyless is the light when you behold the world with seraphim eyes.” It said.
With Gods words buzzing around the confines of my mind, beating their cellophane wings within the tiny spaces between bone and brain, I saw the world peel back a layer I hadn’t known was hidden. Where once there had been a scene of abandoned and defunct machinery nestled within a forsaken factory that was well hidden from puritan eyes and whose crumbling facade was home to only the lowest critters such as insects, vermin, and myself, a new scene of elegant horror began to blossom and bloom.
There were strange corporeal figures who flitted in and out of existence. The ever-undulating forms of these wraith-like beings were difficult for my mind to grasp. It was like looking at a picture in which you had to squint to see the hidden image. I was witnessing an incomprehensibly static world that had been left in the wake of Gods departure. Kaleidoscopic images assaulted my senses with wanton abandonment. There was unearthly music coupled with the sounds of crying children whom wailed with eardrum shattering force, and as they wept, their voices dipped several octaves until the sound was that of weeping giants. Clung to the ceiling above were thousands of gold-rimmed eyes staring down at these strange happenings, and when the unearthly music had shifted in tempo, the eyes began to well with crimson tears. My own tears started to blur my vision, yet when I had touched my cheek, I pulled away a golden flake. Someone said my name, then something repeated it in a tongue I could only describe as entirely alien to any other. There were laughs that sounded closer to screams, and screams that drew even closer to sounds of pure elation. The noisy rush of a sweeping river grew to my right, and when I chanced a glance, I could see bare feet disappear into thick reeds that hadn’t been there before. High pitched giggles and squeals of joy, the clanging of cutlery against plates, a breath on the back of my neck so hot that it could only come from a beast of great stature. I dared not turn around.
The emotions I felt in that factory turned banquet for the unknown were unbearable in their rapid intervals. I felt terribly depressed and euphoric beyond measure, back and forth, back and forth, until I could bear it no longer. I wanted to die. I wanted to live forever. I wanted both, and knew I could have neither. This brief glimpse of what could only be one of many purgatories on display, a preview of what was to come, where I would find myself when my eyes finally rolled back in their sockets and my mouth went slack, was more than anyone could suffer.
I don’t remember when the nightmare had ended, for the whole thing was very much like those terribly lucid dreamscapes where black things roll out from beneath the shadows, but I awoke with purpose. Pitiful and pointless as this purpose was, it had transformed me, given me reason, for without it, I am nothing. A placeholder for blank space. But now, I have something, and little as it may be, it has made a believer out of me.
I have a new faith, a terrible faith, a faith most infectious, and my doctrine will render soul from flesh, for the vistas have been revealed to me, and I must spread the word of God like the good little convert that I am.

Was discussing this yesterday in one of my discord groups and we came to the conclusion that this was likely. Both striped and stripeless versions are plausible as the animal could have darkened in the winter resulting in the stripes appearing less obvious. Cave paintings likely depict the Giant Deer in the early fall during the rut when they were at their most noticeable as well as the best time to be hunted. At this time they could have been changing in color. Their closest living relatives, the fallow deer, show a great degree of seasonal variation, changing drastically from spotted in the summer to grayish-brown in the winter, lending credence to this. Then again this is just my hypothesis and I could be wrong, so now I’d like to hear your thoughts on this.

Von Saucken Information

So This is a bunch of information I found on Von Saucken now to give you tne run down on why I compiled so much information on one man let me give you a backstory. Back in the day I was on this realist rampage and I hated the idea of Saucken being wholesome so i vowed to find evidence of his war crimes. His unit did commit war crimes but when he was away either teaching or in the hospital. So I have redoubled my search and found Nil about the war crimes but some information about him.

1. Back story and family

While unprovable sources say that his family was balts but that is unsubstantiated though the Yearbook of the German nobility does say that they were related to old Prussian family. Nevertheless, the family line starts with a mercenary of the Tuteonic order and they marry into the Kuenheim family which means that Detrich von Saucken is related to Martin Luther the great reformer. Now Von Saucken (note was of described as Lanky and of Medium size) was son of a district administrator and many sources agree he wanted to be a artist which his mother and school teacher George Ellendt of the Collegium Fridericianum (which was also Immanuel Kant's school) did encourage. He was also interested in the Nida Kulturkolonie but nonetheless, he went into the army. Here is what may be a photo of a Young Saucken Circa 1913
Now as for his family
He married his third cousin Elisabeth Wilhelmine Elfriede Salome Sophie von Saucken (Nee saucken) she was maybe of the Saucken-Loschen branch now besides the fact she has a very very jewish name in her massive name (salome) and she was around 21 and he was in his 30 when they married that about it. Now, we go to his family. His first son was Wilhelm Bartusch Siegfried Hans- Erich von SAUCKEN born 1924 and died age 20 1944 in Stanca, Brăila, Romania fighting for the german army. The rest of the family is pretty obscure Freda born in 1926, Edelgard in 1929, Karin in 1934, Eckart in 1937 and Berta in 1940.
Now as for his war service I tracked his unit which went all over the place.I cant find what he got his war medals for but he recived seven injuries. He fought in Verdun The Carpathains Tannenberg before departing with his unit (König_Friedrich_Wilhelm_I.“_(2._Ostpreußisches)_Nr._3) and ending the war in the baltic as part of the 2. Infanterie-Brigade doing police action. He was in the Freikorps but I can find little about that same with the assertion he was in Finland. Either way he fought in both fronts in a large amount of battles and came out with many prestiouges awards.
I did find in some russian sourceThat he did help take Pillau from the communists in 1919
HISTORIES OF TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY-ONE DIVISIONS OF THE GERMAN ARMY WHICH PARTICIPATED IN THE WAR (1914-1918) COMPILED FROM RECORDS OF INTELLIGENCE SECTION OF THE GENERAL STAFF, AMERICAN EXPEDITIONARY FORCES, AT GENERAL HEADQUARTERS : : CHAUMONT, FRANCE : : 1919
Goes into some detail about his unit as does )
Interwar era
Really what I know the least about but he did make his career in the cavalry branch and was a tactics instructor at the war school in Hanover. He also went to russia as part of the secret cooperation. His language is interesting to quote one source “On February 19, 1935, he passed the interpreting exam in Russian after he had been on leave to Russia in 1927 and to the Baltics in 1934 to deepen his language skills. (lX36 Oberstlt).” He was in a class photo from 1937 though unideniftable due to the picture quality online
World War two
So to start he took part in the invasion of Poland/France with the second cavalry regiment after a stint in the fuhrer reserve he took part in the invasion of Yugoslavia as commander of the 4th Rifle Brigade (in the fourth panzer divison) . Where he was put out of commission by taking a fucking artillery shell “On 15.07.1941 an artillery shell hit the command post of the brigade killing and wounding a number of staff personnel including von Saucken. Thereafter Grolig assumed the command of the brigade. Nevertheless, the HQ was dissolved on the very same day, only to be reassembled and formed again on 23.09.1941 when v.Saucken returned to the division.” from the AHF thread on it (i cant find the exact one). Then after returning as divisional commander (where he formed a strong bond with his men to quote Prit Buttar's Battleground Prussia The Assault on Germany's Eastern Front 1944-45) he after around 4 months was wounded very badly. In the head which lines up with the medical reports
From a brain specialist that says that he could not be moved. Thank you Thrawnite for translating this I also want to mention what Thrawn also said. His unit did publish anti-semitic material but proofs were before and after that and he also says that he found an analysis that says he was appalled by the harsh tactics and was against scorched earth tactics.
Now its time to mention the main source for him in the war Knight's Cross Panzers The German 35th Tank Regiment in World War II this is one of the few primary sources I can find to mention his career. Now to put it bluntly this is gonna be biased heavily but I shall relate some of the anecdotes contained with in. Most come from the diary of a serviceman which does give it a bit more credence.

1. Lead from the front
2. Was very cool under pressure after the artillery strike (where he got shrapnel in the knee) he “without emotion” (direct quote) had his boot cut away while his wound was dressed. He gave the orders cooly to the division dictated a report and “took leave of his brigade adjunct as if he were his own son: all of us can see that he would not survive his severe wounds” . despite his wounds he remained in command for several more hours before relucetnly turning over command.
3. Saucken due to being fluent in Russian interpreted for a captured Russian airman
4. Ordered troops to wait until the worst had passed before checking damaged landlines
5. When Saucken came back the men were very happy he wished to speak individually and was saddened to see the nice faces. The narrator debriefed Saucken on what had changed since he was one of the few still around.
6. After the event related above he for lack of a better word “pranked” another officer a stickler for the rules by playing the role of a serviceman until announcing his actual position.(note this feels like a common story in general)
7. He went in a “radio SPW” (which might be the personal vehicle mentioned in other sources) to lead a personal attack on a russian bridgehead.
8. Saucken had his vehicle stuck and immobilized and as a matter of “tanker honor”/tanker spirit” (okay note the fact this man went from Prussian cavalry officer to fucking speaking of tanker honor in less than like 2 years is so funny) got chewed out by model but insisted that he still had radio contact.
9. Got shot in the head leading a fucking attack from the front

All from Knight's Cross Panzers The German 35th Tank Regiment in World War II
So after that head injury (aint that a kick in the head) he taught at the school for rapid troops in Krampnitz untill May 1943 where he rejoined the fourth panzer division (bringing with him many of the schools best staff officers) until he left it at May 1944. He became leader of the XXXIX Panzer group which was renamed Combat Group von saucken and fought very well according to most sources. He was at warsaw uprising fighting with the Soviets and failed to destroy the 2ta and mostly engaged in bitter protracted fighting.
He won oakleaves “ Saucken von, Dietrich [281. EL] 22.08.1943 Generalleutnant Kdr 4. Pz.Div
(defensive success at Orel-Bogen on 22.07.1943)”
And swords 1. Saucken von, Dietrich [46. Sw] 31.01.1944 Generalleutnant Kdr 4. Pz.Div
(valor and leadership during defensive battle north of Kalinkowitschi (Pripjet-Sümpfe),
08.-13-01-1944
Now comes probably the most famous era of his command: Großdeutschland and East Prussia
Taking command of Großdeutschland and the Brandenburgs who were now a panzergreinder unit in the Großdeutschland Panzer Corps during the soviet Vistula Oder offensive Saucken unit was cut off and linked with General Nehring's Panzer Corps. In what General Geundurian described as “feats of military virtuosity during these days that only the pen of a new Xenophon can adequately describe" General Saucken and Nehring marched 150 miles through the soviet army in a massive mob (100k troops and god knows how many refugees) to reach german lines. Its very impressive even if the soviets did not care much the fact they had no supply and were moving in winter is fascinating Nehring getting some luck by getting some fuel trucks early on helped. Men of Barbarossa Commanders of the German Invasion of Russia, 1941 talks about this as does Prit Buttar's Battleground Prussia The Assault on Germany's Eastern Front 1944-45 and Christopher Duffy's Red Storm on the Reich: The Soviet March on Germany, 1945 .
After reorganizing his troops the unit was thrown into battle around Steinau and after they were encircled due to a delay in withdrawal orders Saucken and I quote Prit Buttar here “At great personal risk, von Saucken drove through Soviet lines to reach the trapped men, and led them to safety late on 11 February.” He was then removed from command and made to wait four hours to talk with Schoner.
Then he was pulled out of the Fuher reserve and the anecdote that was utilized so much happened. Now Hitler Valet disputes this and says that it makes no sense especially as sabers/all weapons have to be removed. But he does admit he was not there.,
Now Axis History forum (a place that crawls with both very good historians and very weird wheraboos but very detailed) user does have another source.
“Hello again Richcta!
The famous quote by Dietrich von Saucken when confronted by Hitler is taken from the highly recommended book by Rittmeister and RKT Gerhard Boldt; "Hitler - Die letzten zehn Tagen" (1947). The book is called in English "Hitler: The last ten days - an eyewitness account" (1973).
The date was March 12, 1945 when General der Panzertruppen Dietrich von Saucken was called to the Reichskanzlei. He was to be informed that he was to take command over the 2. Armee from March 19. This Army fought, and was nearly cut-off in the Danzig area. After that Generaloberst Heinz Guderian had gone through the military situation for tha area, Hitler informed von Saucken that he was only in charge of the purely military units in that area and that he was going to be under the overall command of the Gauleiter of Danzig, Albert Forster that also would have the final saying in all matters.
It's now that Dietrich von Saucken says "Herr Hitler, I would never have the intention to place myself under the command of a political Gauleiter" and while saying this slapped his hand down on the conference table. Both Guderian and the ever-present Martin Bormann tried harshly to make the General reconsider but he just repeated "I would never..." And after a while, having been silent, Hitler said with a low, flat voice "Alright Saucken, in that case you are in sole command". The quotes are my translations from the swedish edition of Boldt's book (1973).
And again, a highly recommended autobiographical book filled with details and keen observations by Rittmeister Gerhard Boldt. Buy it, read it!”
Now I can't find the original post which sucks but this is a account that it did happen. Now some sources say that he had his saber or struck his saber but that doesn't make sense given what the Valet said.
Buttar says something similar, “He was summoned to Berlin and informed of his new appointment. Hitler finished the briefing by telling him that he would be subordinated to Gauleiter Albert Forster. To the surprise and consternation of all present, the aristocratic von Saucken gazed back disdainfully at the Führer before saying, 'I have no intention of placing myself under the orders of a Gauleiter'. Such opposition to Hitler was unheard of, particularly as von Saucken also omitted the obligatory 'Mein Führer'. Guderian and the other senior officers waited for Hitler's inevitable rage. Instead, after staring at the general for a few moments, Hitler turned away. 'Very well, Saucken, keep the command to yourself,' he muttered.15 Von Saucken left immediately for Danzig, arriving there by air on 13 March. “
This adds the usage of the language but the salute part i don't see in the og source so that too may be an exaggeration.
Now then we see him now as commander of the 12th army
East Prussia
Von Saucken fought bitterly at Samland but was forced to evacuate his troops. Now something to mention is as a son of east Prussia this guided his behavior such as to quote “'He was a son of East Prussia, and what mattered to him still more was his concern for the conglomerated mass of the refugees, whom he was determined to save from the grasp of the Russians' (Dieckert and Grossmann, 1960, 165)” from Duffy now the sources are autobiographical accounts of german generals. SO take with a grain of salt but again Violence in defeat doesnt even mention saucken outside of him saying “life after the war” so again no war crimes attributed to him.
Now the son of East Prussia was very important because that is a reason why hitler picked him. A great deal of the commanders on the eastern front were by the end from that region General Krappe the Pomeranian, Schulz a Silesian, and Saucken a Prussian. Erich RUdel even moved a wing of Stukas from Hungary to defend Silesia. General Erhard Raus being canned was cheered in some quarters because he was Austrian and was “Alien to the region and people of Pomerania”. Ofc Raus was canned in a very surreal way here is the transcript provided by Duffy
“ Guderian writes that he himself found the exposition,
‘outstandingly lucid. When he had finished Hitler dismissed him without comment. Raus had scarcely left the Chancellery shelter, where this conference had taken place, before Hitler turned to Keitel, JodI and myself and shouted: 'What a miserable speech! The man talked of nothing but details. Judging by the way he speaks he must be a Berliner or an East Prussian. He must be relieved of his command at once!' I replied: 'Colonel-General Raus is one of our most capable Panzer generals .... And as for his origin, Raus is an Austrian and therefore a compatriot of yours, my Fuhrer.' HITLER: 'Absolutely impossible. He can't be an Austrian.' IODL: 'Oh yes he can, my Fuhrer. He talks exactly like Moser, the actor.' Hitler's opinion of him remained unfavourable. When I pointed out that we had no surfeit of good generals my re308 RED STORM ON THE REICH mark was ignored. Raus was relieved of his command. (Guderian, 1952, 420-21)”
Now Saucken was somewhat of a maverick and not because he was quasi sucidical with leading from the front. When a freighter bound for Courland was immobilized by fire Saucken took the cargo of ammunition for “safety” but the military bureaucracy told him off for it. Saucken also withdrew a massive amount of men and refugees from the Oxhöft pocket without authorization (he got it a few hours after the fact). There is another story where the SS police unit planned this but thats bullshit. Von Saucken made clear that the main purpose was to hold the line so refugees could be evacuated. The remains of the east Prussian army were in three areas under Saucken.

1. Hela
2. Vistula Esutary the great camp of humanity
3. Samaland

There are many tales but one of the most fascinating is one about the fifth panzer division that had begun to melt down. Several had fled in small boats to Bornholm and when the commander declared “Division is cut off in Peyse. Do not expect further restoration of communications. All the best! Herzog” it caused an uproar as the commander of the XXVI Corps Matzky (who had poor relations with Herzog) was already gunning for them. But Herzog had sent his intelligence officer to explain the situation to Saucken who “wanted to know exactly what was happening with 5th Panzer Division. After I had given him a detailed report, he said, "Anyone who speaks ill of the division, will have to deal with me! Please tell everyone that.”.
At the end of the day 65 thousand men were evacuated, and 60 thousand were left behind including von Saucken who when an airplane was sent to evacuate him packed it with wounded. As morale sank Saucken met the men as recounted by Buttar
After the last ships had left Hela, there was unrest amongst the soldiers who remained. Hearing of this, von Saucken had himself driven to the gathered soldiers. He stood up on the back seat of his open-top Volkswagen and addressed them: 'We must compose ourselves. There are no more ships, and none are expected. Now, when we have to go into Russian captivity, we must do so with dignity and the knowledge that we did our duty to the very end.'40
Before this he had given letters to all regimental commanders to be saved for the end which read
“ The orders read: 'Today at 2300 German Summer Time, AOK Hela surrenders unconditionally to the Soviet armed forces. The commander thanks all soldiers, NCOs and officers for their proven courage. Our fight is over. Von Saucken.'45”
He oversaw the negotiations and his fluent Russian came in handy in allowing the men to keep their supply wagons. Saucken went into captivity then.
Now in captivity, there is not much it is known that he was put into a wheelchair due to the torture. Biggiecheese from general discussion also posted this He may have cried about the situation
Here is a better description Afanasy Beloborodov recalled ““Zauken dropped his monocle and fiddled with it for a long time again. Then he asked:
- And Fischhausen?
- What about Fischhausen?
- Is this city intact?
- Not good. There were fierce battles there.
- My God! - he exclaimed and began to cry. It was strange. For the first time in my life I saw a general cry. What's the matter?
“You won’t understand me,” he explained. “Fischhausen is my homeland.” My grandfathers and great-grandfathers lived there. Family estate, park, cascade of ponds. Life and customs that have developed over centuries. Everything was there and nothing is there. I am an original Prussian, I am a nobleman. Can you understand this?
“No,” I said, “I can’t.” I am a peasant's son and a communist. I was taught to work, I was taught to respect honest work, to respect working people, regardless of their nationality. I don’t understand why, having invaded us, you incinerated entire cities without blinking an eye, and now, when the war has come to your home, you cry? Where is the logic?
“Oh, what logic is there,” he replied. - You are young, and already a colonel general, everything is ahead of you. And I’m old, everything is in my past.
He was very upset, this sentimental baron, kept talking about the old house, about the walls covered with ivy, and winter evenings by the fireplace. And I listened and mentally imagined what would have happened to me if I had fallen into his hands in 1941...”
Anyhow so yes Saucken did cry when he found his home was destroyed and I do love the soviet just being dumbfounded but its a good anecdote.
Btw before this anecdote here is this
Beloborodov asked von Saucken:

- Why didn’t you fight?

“For God’s sake, don’t ask me about this,” von Saucken clasped his hands nervously.
“I didn’t insist on an answer,” said Afanasy Pavlantievich. “And it was so clear that von Saucken did not want to admit out loud the obvious fact: the German army was completely demoralized and had lost the will to resist.
And then von Saucken tried to change the unpleasant topic and asked me a question himself
Initially, he was transported to the Lubyanka prison , and from there to the city of Orel. On May 10, 1949, the Military Tribunal of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of the Oryol Region sentenced the Wehrmacht general to 25 years in forced labor camps. Although they could not force him to sign the indictment. He was kept in the Ozerny special forced labor camp No. 7 of the USSR Ministry of Internal Affairs (this is the Irkutsk region) until May 9, 1955 , when he was released as an unamnestied criminal and handed over to the authorities of the Federal Republic of Germany.So note btw Saucken fucking estate was renamed from Tarputschen to Sauckenhof even if it was for political reasons since Goebbels wanted to remove every Prussian-Lithunian place name from the map (btw the estate is in general disrepair so yeah bit sad)
Btw there is another version of the conservation between Saucken and the soviet general
“Tell me,” said von Saucken, “did you take Fischhausen?” What about him? Is he safe? “No, not really,” Beloborodov answered calmly, “you’re a military man, you understand, there were battles there.” Artillery and aviation worked. - How could you? To smash this city... My homeland, my estate... After all, we are hereditary Prussian military men, and this is so cruel, so... - and he began to cry with the tears of an old man. - Why are you crying, general? - Beloborodov said coldly. - After all, you are a man, a military man. “Oh, you don’t understand this,” he replied. - You are young, you have everything ahead, And I... I am an original Prussian... And... such a shameful end! There are cats scratching at my heart. Here Beloborodov flared up: “Cats are scratching at your heart, you say?” But my wolves scratched when you trampled our land, burned our cities... But I didn’t cry! Are you a Prussian, a nobleman, you say? And I’m Russian, from near Irkutsk, Siberian. And I beat you, I will beat you and I will beat you.
Anyhow he was returned home cripplied in a wheelchair and so he could no longer ride or hunt instead he took up painting after so many years. He founded a association of Sunday painters wrote a history of his unit was feted by troops gave a speech about the horses who fought in the war. He recived a lot of stuff on his birthday and worked as part of
He made some paintings as well check for them
And died in bed in 1980
A conclusion
I guess he’s a strange duck most sources are positive about him and he had no major connection to the july 20th plot (though his ADjunct Sauerbruch was part of the plot but Saucken did help him). All in all the most common words are “old fashioned, professional” and so on etc etc I dont know much about his politics in general despite how he looks he does fit the archetype of a Prussian general. he is much more the sterotypical Panzer general . In general, I hope you all find this saucken information interesting P.S. If you have any information please send it
For photos and sources check the doc since reddit automod filters kept deleting this Doc is in Comments

My wife works in education as a paraprofessional. Her job primarily is working with special ed students. She has been nothing but an exemplary employee who her work leans on to handle more difficult kids. Shes 29 weeks this Friday and between the physical limitations shes feeling and her anxiety of wanting to protect our baby shes nearly at a breaking point. On top of that we've been trying to manage her blood pressure and it's slowly begun to tick back up in her 3rd trimester. We're aware that this could just be natural but she wants to do all within her power to do what's best for herself and baby. She just informed her work that she'll be starting later because the early starts were beginning to ware on her the most. I think it is a reasonable ask being how much her work has depended on her. During our next OB visit we will be inquiring on if she can get some type of note giving this some medical credence.
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I'm writing because I'm personally at a bit of a loss for what I can do for her. I've begun working again and so my time can be limited. But I've been doing my best to keep her relaxed at home by making dinners, keeping the house clean, offering messages, a shoulder to cry on and continuing our relaxation practices to assist us during labor. I feel like I need to be going above and beyond and sometimes I have trouble conceptualizing what that looks like. Perhaps more restful and relaxing weekends. Perhaps getting her surprise gifts. She really has been struggling during the days to maintain any desire to keep going to work.
There are options when it comes to work. Things would be tight but she could quit entirely. Only issue with that is that she'd loose her insurance. She's still covered under mine but having both would greatly reduce the cost come labor. She would be giving up any option of getting paid through the summer or filing for unemployment. And without a doctors recommendation she can't file for short term disability. She's begun reducing her hours. I think asking her HR to recommend how many hours minimum she needs to maintain her insurance is a decent option. Otherwise I'm not sure she can maintain the pace she's been going at it.
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I do know she sometimes browses this sub so if you see this; Hi! Just trying to get some friendly advice from reddit parents.

The Flash #94 - The Right Person In The Right Place To Be The Wrong Person In The Wrong Place

<< < >
Author: brooky12
Book: Flash
Arc: ?
Set: 94
 
Jay sat down on the small rock, a respite in the space he had become familiar with yet was still so aloof and distant. He watched Wally move subtly forward and back, subtle movements to keep him in place without violating the Speed Force’s rules. Rules that for whatever reason didn’t apply to the rocks.
 
He wasn’t even sure whether Wally had seen him. So focused on his work, Atlas offering to hold up the globe, that anything else tended to fade by the wayside. After all, what could you possibly focus on when you were focused on the entirety of time itself? Jay shook his head at himself, his own mental dialogue, buying into Wally’s perspective of what this was even in his own mind.
 
This was not Atlas offering to hold up the globe, this was Sisyphus tormented and forced to forever push the rock up the hill. At least, until the nebulous point where Hunter Zolomon was found, Wally was more or less obligated to come back to the Time Stream to filter through countless numbers of small bubbles, little events through time, for Hunter’s influence.
 
He was the only one who could do this. Maybe with practice and experience some of the others could, but Jay had tried earlier that day and had no luck. Something about the Time Stream eluded him, an endlessly confusing puzzle that he couldn’t make heads or tails of, let alone comb through for subtle signs of interference.
 
“How’s going?”
 
If Wally was caught off guard by Jay’s question, he didn’t show it. “Going well… Should be finished soon.”
 
“Finished for how long?”
 
“Um, not sure. Thinking I’ll probably swing by once more after dinner, then once again before bed.”
 
“Wally, that’s going to be eleven times today alone—”
 
“It doesn’t feel like enough. Do you know what the plan for the main dinner will be?”
 
“Wally!”
 
Wally didn’t respond immediately, instead inspecting the bubble he held before releasing it back upwards, it floating upwards and forwards slightly as it reconnected into the movement of the Time Stream. He ran over to a rock slowly, settling down on it and facing Jay.
 
“I know, I know. But given how the reaction has been, I’d rather the next effect not happen at all rather than being measured in hours or days.”
 
“You know they’re already keeping track? Totally bunk Metalhead Effects, for times you and I know good and well aren’t M.E., but they’re giving them press time and credence for claims that are factually incorrect.”
 
Wally shrugged. “I’ve had to disconnect from some of my social groups for the region of Chicago I stayed in last year. It’s not great.”
 
“And you think that running yourself ragged checking every bubble a dozen times a day will stop them?”
 
“No.”
 
Jay frowned, in the manner of a teacher who can’t do much more than accept the apology from their student who bombed a test. “Why don’t we cut down to say, six times a day you come here and check this? Morning, bed, you pick the other four times?”
 
Wally looked back at the Time Stream, unconvinced. “And if I get anxious or worried?”
 
Jay wished Wally wasn’t asking this question. He wasn’t a therapist, he was barely mentally above water himself after the Metalhead Effect stuff, but Wally was just a kid. “Why don’t, if you get anxious, come here, run through maybe a billion or two bubbles, some notable stuff in recent past. If you don’t see anything, don’t do a thorough run-through.”
 
“That sounds fine,” Wally agreed.
 
Wonderful. It’s not like they had spent weeks trying to convince Wally that all he needed to do was check a few billion bubbles a day for any residual changes. If this was what he was going to do a dozen times a day rather than go through the whole process, maybe they could talk him down to just that later down the line.
 
Or, maybe Barry could find Hunter.
 
Jay wasn’t sure which one he’d bet on.
 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
 
A woman and her son sat in a café, a full breakfast buffet between the two of them. Across the room, distant enough that small talk couldn’t be overheard, sat two men, talking about something. Hopefully, whatever their conversation was, it was just as light as the celebration of a mother and child truly reunited without worry.
 
Today, there were no worries, no anxiety or sad undertones or the struggle of reality. Today was a day of celebration, cautious yet full. After dozens of doctor visits since the return from the Speed Force, it was no longer impossible to deny the impossible. Every meaningful test came back with the same end result – Bart Allen was no longer speeding through life and rapidly aging.
 
For nearly two years, it seemed that he had been aging at roughly a year every month, and ever since the Speed Force visit, that seemed to no longer be the case. While placing his exact age didn’t seem possible, the West-Allens decided on a nice flat twenty years old for their child. Born only two years ago but a young adult by the time the problem was solved, Bart was happy enough with the situation.
 
This was a long-promised celebration. Following the heartache and trauma that came from the initial realizations a few days after birth, Iris had focused on the eventual good, knowing that eventually this problem would be solved. She didn’t know how, brought into a world beyond her due to her love for her husband, but she knew between her husband and the others he surrounded himself with, they would figure out how to solve the problem.
 
And solve it they did. Her son was here, able to live life to its fullest for the rest of the time he had left, undeterred by accelerated aging. If any superhero had better-than-average chances of living to retirement, she theorized, it was a speedster that could never get caught off guard.
 
And so, they sat in a nearly empty café, enjoying their breakfast meal. Normally, the café would be closed today, but a day’s worth of wages to the staff to set up just for them for the hour or two they would be there was enough to get the restaurant to themselves. This moment was for a mother and her son. She was happy to be done mourning.
 
The two talked, conversation rambling from friends to plans for the future to light chatter. Bart and Iris especially liked talking about the future, envisioning plans of hiking trips and kayaking and laser tag, things that Bart never wanted to consider before his freedom from time.
 
Now, an entire future was ahead of him, and the two decided to focus on that rather than the missing childhood behind them. They would never be able to experience that, and that was something to discuss when it wasn’t a celebratory moment.
 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
 
Two men, friends from work, sat in a café, a half-finished egg sandwich and cup of tea between the two of them. Across the room, distant enough that small talk couldn’t be overheard, sat a mother and her son, talking about something. Hopefully, whatever their conversation was, it was not as heavy as crimes so terrible that they had never even been considered to be written into a country’s criminal code.
 
“I’m not super sure I want to bring in governments like that, Xavier. Sure, what he’s done is terrible and cannot go unpunished, but I also don’t want this to become a public manhunt and social event. I just want to find him and find a way to stop him from doing anything like it again.”
 
“To be clear, Barry, he’s a war criminal.”
 
Barry sighed. He had these speed powers for a long time, but it had only been relatively recently that he had been thrust in such a public-facing role with them, as the so-called superhero The Flash. A red mask and outfit hid his identity as he spoke to legislators, presidents, and schoolchildren about his super speed, but the life of The Flash didn’t disappear when the mask came off. “I think that if you look through the Geneva Conventions, rewriting time isn’t a listed war crime.”
 
Xavier Mendez shrugged, stopping a laugh that he knew Barry would not appreciate. He was a pencil pusher in the military, a nobody until some guy in Delaware stopped a plane from crashing and then all of the sudden he was a handler for the fastest man alive. Even out of the government now, he’d followed his newfound ally to keep him grounded and focused on the important things. The speed his brain operated at was faster than any computer, yet it struggled to break out of expected boundary boxes it set for itself. “Some clever lawyers could probably make use of the civilian treatment laws to get him.”
 
“There isn’t even a war going on, Xavier.”
 
“Is there?”
 
Barry didn’t immediately respond, so Xavier continued. “I dunno if our definitions of war even add up anymore. We tossed out physics on the very first day, and as far as I can tell the post-modern theories all just handwave away things that you or Supes or Diana can do as built on things that we have zero way to reproducibly test.”
 
“War still exists, Xavier. It may not be between armies as much as it used to be, but it lives on in people who have these superpowers and use them to oppress others for their own gain, and the people who have these superpowers and want to defend the defenseless.”
 
“So, there is a war going on.”
 
“Not one described in Geneva.”
 
Xavier sighed. “So what are you going to do? Keep his identity a secret, keep combing the planet and Speed Force until you find where he’s ended up, perhaps never succeeding? Instead of reaching out to trusted people in the governments of the world, people you’ve long cultivated strong working relationships with, and let them know to keep an eye out for a guy who’s once already rewritten the fabric of the world?”
 
“You make it sound like the wrong decision.”
 
“Because it is, Barry! How many years did you spend building up trust with the Greek, American, South Korean, Indian, whatever governments, to not take advantage of the favors owed to just give them a small heads up, oh hey just in case this guy shows up, he’s the one who rewrote the world to his liking, if you don’t mind passing word to me.”
 
“Most of those favors ae used up just from me patching up relations after what happened.”
 
“What happened as a result of whom, Barry?”
 
“Hunter.”
 
“And you won’t even pass the word along that hey, if you see Hunter, the source of your ire, maybe let me know so I can take revenge and responsibility on your behalf.”
 
“I’m not inclined to, no. I spent the last month or so trying to defuse tensions and anger, I’m not about to open the Pandora’s Box by going, oh hey now you’re involved, if you see this guy, I’m blaming let me come exercise vigilante extrajudicial judgement on him.”
 
Xavier nodded. “Here’s the thing, Barry, I understand your point of view, I just think it’s self-defeating and actively harmful.”
 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
 
“Lisa?”
 
Leonard Snart, known more as Captain Cold in the modern day of infinite media coverage and superhero fixation, sat down in the slightly off-balance plastic chair. In front of him, a small, corded telephone sat on a desk, with thick glass providing a window between him and his sister to see each other’s facial expressions.
 
Leonard picked up the phone, hesitantly. His sister hadn’t visited since he had been incarcerated. She was at the courthouse the day he went in for sentencing, giving him a hug and wishing him the best as he had gone in, but he hadn’t seen her since.
 
“What are you doing here, Lisa?”
 
His sister, across the glass, smiled. “How have you been?”
 
Leonard frowned. “I mean, you can imagine what it’s like in here, it’s not the best of places. But it’s not like I can just check out?”
 
“Okay, given the context, are you doing alright?”
 
“I’m not being waterboarded, so I’ll count that as a victory.”
 
That got a laugh out of Lisa, so he counted that as a victory. “It’s good to see you again. Why did you come?”
 
“It’s good to see you again, even if it’s painful that this glass is between us. I wish I could hold what I want to say until we weren’t being listened to, but that’s not going to be an option for a little bit. You plan to appeal for parole soon?”
 
“I have a meeting with the lawyer closer to the summer where we’ll discuss it. You should bring up what you want to say, no promises that the parole stuff will go anywhere.”
 
Lisa sighed. “The Flash… Metalhead Effect, whatever that stuff was. How much do you know about that?”
 
“Less than you, I only know what they show on the television. You presumably have access to more information online or whatever.”
 
“I remember stuff from the time they erased, Leonard.”
 
Leonard wasn’t sure what this was leading to. As far as he knew, the stuff that got erased was just gone and not returning, right? So if she remembered, that was fine, but it wasn’t like him being better in the gone time would help is appeal or whatever. “Okay…?”
 
“Did you ever own a pair of ice skates, Leonard?”
 
Leonard nearly dropped the phone, and a nearby guard glanced in his direction. He gave the man a shaky smile, then turned his attention back to his sister.
 
“Did you… did you have those? In the other time?”
 
Lisa smiled and nodded, which caused a knife of fear to twist in Leonard’s heart. She wasn’t supposed to ever get involved, but he always had those available just in case she ever needed it. For self-defense or for enjoyment, not for the stuff he used his gun for. But he never was able to broach the topic, because it was always the risk that she’d want to use it for the same things he used his gun for.
 
If she was worried about bringing that up here, and was keeping it very light-handed with the referencing…
 
“Leonard, where are they?”

We have four gospels in the New Testament plus a reference in a Roman letter from Pliny the Younger from some 70 years after Jesus' death, and the Gnostic gospel of Thomas. In one of Paul's letters, a specific governor of Greece is named, and that detail checks out with Roman sources for the time period. Paul would be writing some 20 years after the death of Jesus and met many people who knew him and were eyewitnesses. Papias claims to have interviewed eyewitnesses. That is a hell of a lot of sources for an ancient figure. We don't have court records and birth and marriage license information as we do for Shakespeare, but we don't have any such documents for anyone or anything in the entire ancient period.
If that's not enough, the contradictions between the accounts and parts of the story that serve no theological purpose and credence to the overall impression of a man living in Galilee in the first century, preaching, then being executed. The story sounds about how a story would be told if it were written down some decades after the events happened by people who are trying to manipulate the truth. Sure the story has parallels to Apolonius or Hercules, etc. but if I start telling you the story of Abraham Lincoln without any original sources, I'll fit the story into my worldview and cultural reference points and likely distort key aspects of the story, half intentionally and partly out of ignorance. That's what the writers of the New Testament clearly did.
It's like this: Imagine there were no historical or written sources to consult and you were with a group of non-expert people discussing, say, FDR. You can't say he was from California, as too many people know he was from New York, and you would have to say something about the "New Deal." You would probably have to include him being in a wheelchair. But if I said that although he was governor of New York, he was actually born in Maine when his parents were spending the summer at their cottage by the sea, you might accept that... which I entirely invented. Or if I said that the purpose of the New Deal was to bring about the Second New Deal in the future, you might go for that, as you can't consult any documents, and it could be true.
There are limits to what you can absolutely invent. Jesus was from Nazareth. That is such a podunk town that it is not mentioned in the Hebrew Bible and serves no purpose in terms of proving that Jesus is the Messiah or fulfilling ancient prophecy. But, that was where he was from and everyone knows it... but if I say his mother had to go to Bethlehem for some reason, as in the gospel of Mathew with the preposterous assertion that Joseph was from the house of David, of that there was census or any of that nonsense... that could be true, at least many in the room could buy that. But you can't have Jesus grow up in Bethlehem because, well, we all know he didn't. You also can't say he died in battle.
So the story seems about what you'd expect if you had various people re-telling his story and message some 50-80 years after his death, with all of these writers trying to promote their visions of the religion as they recount the details. A few details cannot be changed - where he grew up, how he died, something about the "Son of Man," etc.
So, there was a man named Jesus. He certainly spoke Aramaic. He preached for a year or so, maybe three if you believe the gospel of John. He was from Galilee. He said something about the Son of Man. It kind of sounds like he's talking about someone else, not himself returning, but we can change that around as needed. Whatever he preached, it was not that everyone should love each other, because the authorities killed him for his message. That's all we can know for certain, meaning with a high degree of certainty, as well as we can know just about any "fact" or "history" from the ancient world. Those facts are less well-established than the fact that Cesear conquered Gaul but more likely true than that 300 Spartans held off the entire Persian army for several days. We have whole cultures where we don't know a single name or date, where not a word of their history is preserved. Even in the Greco-Roman world in which the New Testament was produced, we lost 99.9% of what was written down at the time. If we're going to apply modern standards of evidence to ancient history, we are going to be left with damn little. The Jesus story is more fully attested and certain than all the Punic Wars combined. That doesn't mean the Bible is true or accurate, only that Jesus was not invented and the core of the story of the New Testament is not wholly invented.
The whole "Pharisee" stuff in the New Testament is also pretty interesting. They wrote these gospels after Rome had destroyed the temple in Jerusalem, although the story is set before the uprising that led to the destruction of the second temple. The Pharisees are the predecessors of the rabbis. Paul of Tarsus, in the New Testament, is the only Pharisee whose writings we still have. But that's another story of reading between the lines to figure out what was going on in the wake of the loss of the dominant form of Yahweh worship about 40 years after Jesus died...
But anyway, Jesus was a man who preached something and was executed for it. You can bank on that, or forget ancient history... the rest is up for debate.
​
​

In 1999, former members of the French Institute of Advanced Studies for National Defense (government-funded military research organization) formed an association called COMETA (COMité d'ÉTudes Approfondies) and published a report titled "UFOs and Defense: What Should We Prepare For".

• Original report in French, 116 pages
• Summarized English version, 83 pages

The contributors to this report included, amongst others, top-level military officials like: Air Force General - Bernard Norlain, Air Force General - Denis Letty, Air Force General - Joseph Domange, Weapons Engineer General - Pierre Bescond, Air Force General - Bruno le Moine, Admiral - Marc Merlo, and Weapons Engineer General - Dr. Alain Orszag.
The goal of this report was to de-stigmatize the topic of UFOs so that civilian and government institutions would be better equipped to interact productively with UFO phenomenon. For example, in their abstract/synthese (page 16 of the original document) they summarize their 6 primary recommendations.

1. Create educational infrastructure about UFOs to better inform pilots, politicians, the military, and the civil service.
2. Brief all organizations that deal with military research, especially special government organizations like DICOD (Délégation à l'information et à la communication de la Défense)
3. Properly fund government-funded UFO research programs, and expand their investigatory capabilities like SEPRA (now GEIPAN)
4. Tune space-based satellites to detect UFO activity
5. Create a unit at the highest level of the government that would work in conjunction with SEPRA with the aim of promoting scientific and technical actions regarding UFOs leading to the development of international cooperation agreements.
6. With the help of other countries, and institutions like the EU, encourage the USA to cooperate with us on the topic of UFOs.

The report is extremely interesting, and I highly recommend that everyone reads it. Here's a section of their concluding remarks from the translated report, page 65

The UFO problem cannot be eliminated by mere caustic and offhand criticisms (...) CNES has conducted serious studies in close collaboration with the Gendarmerie National and the Air Force primarily, as well as with other State agencies (Civil Aviation, Weather Service, etc.). (...) These studies demonstrate the almost certain physical reality of completely unknown flying objects with remarkable flight performances and noiselessness, apparently operated by intelligent [beings]. With their maneuvers, these flying objects considerably impress civilian and military pilots, who hesitate to speak [about them]. The fear of appearing ridiculous, alienated, or simply gullible is the principal reason for this reserve. Secret craft definitely of earthly origin (drones, stealth aircraft, etc.) can only explain a minority of cases. If we go back far enough in time, we clearly perceive the limits of this explanation (...) The extraterrestrial hypothesis is far from the best scientific hypothesis. It certainly has not been categorically proven, but strong presumptions exist in its favor and if it is correct, it is loaded with consequences.

However, what captured my attention was Appendix 5 (page 94 of the English version), which presents a comprehensive timeline of the events at Roswell. It specifically focuses on the U.S. government's efforts to create a disinformation campaign to keep the incident a secret in order to maintain potential technological and military superiority over rival countries.
I copy pasted Appendix 5 below. FYI, my mother tongue is French, and I can attest that the English version of Appendix 5 doesn't omit any info from the original French Appendix 5.

The Roswell Affair - Disinformation

1. Roswell: indisputable facts -- Note, the parenthetical annotation (video) indicates that video testimonies are available

• Summer 1947 - The Roswell (New Mexico) base houses the only nuclear-armed bombers in the world. The bombers still have propellers.
• June 24 - Sighting of nine UFOs by American Kenneth Arnold. The news is broadcast throughout the world.
• July 8 (morning), Roswell - The base provides the local radio stations with information that would circle the globe: a flying disk had crashed on a ranch and the military personnel from the base recovered the debris (video).
• July 8 (afternoon), Fort Worth (Texas) - General Ramey, Commander of the 8th Air Force, who commands the base, announces to journalists that after examination of the debris, [it was determined that] they were from a weather balloon. He shows them some of the debris, which the journalists photograph. The affair was buried for over thirty years.
• 1978 - Lieutenant Colonel Marcel (ER), an intelligence officer on the base in 1947 who recovered the debris, declares on television that the debris is definitely of extraterrestrial origin (video). The debris that General Ramey had shown the journalists was not the debris that Marcel had brought him from Roswell. American ufologists conduct numerous investigations and collect affidavits (sworn and notarized written statements) and filmed testimonies. Many witnesses state that in July 1947, military personnel had threatened them with death if they talked (video). According to some testimonies, at some distance from the field of debris, the Army had found the frame of a sort of space glider and cadavers of small humanoids (video).
• 1991 - General du Bose [sic] (CR), who was General Ramey's chief of staff in 1947, confirms by affidavit that the latter had substituted the debris from a weather balloon, which he had shown the journalists, for the debris sent by the Roswell base.
• Beginning of 1994 - U.S. Representative Schiff (New Mexico) asks the Department of Defense (DoD) for explanations regarding the affair. Not obtaining any, he requests that the General Accounting Office (GAO) conduct an inquiry into the manner in which the Air Force, primarily, had handled the documents relating to the Roswell crash.
• September 1994 - The Office of the Secretary of the Air Force publishes a report on Roswell: the debris found on the ranch cannot be from an aircraft or a missile. They are probably debris from a series of balloons from the secret Mogul project. To protect the secret, General Ramey leads everyone to believe it is a weather-balloon, the materials of which (essentially the shell and radar reflector) are the same. The report shortens the affidavits of certain witnesses so that the debris that they describe appears to be debris from a Mogul balloon. It does not mention the frame and attributes the "bona fide testimonies " regarding humanoids to "foggy weather. "
• July 1995 - The GAO report mentions the new Air Force version, and states:
  • page 1, "The debate on what actually happened at Roswell continues. "
  • page 2, "All of the base's administrative documents for the March 1945- December 1949 period were destroyed, and all radio messages sent by the base from October 1946 to February 1949 were destroyed. The destruction report does not mention when, by whom, and on whose orders this destruction was carried out. "
• The GAO inquiry provided him with practically no documents of interest concerning the Roswell incident, despite his requests to numerous organizations (CIA, FBI, DoD, DoE. NSC. etc.)
• Summer and fall of 1995 -A film of the autopsy of an alleged "humanoid cadaver " in 1947 is aired by about thirty television stations around the world. Its authenticity is questionable, but. above all, nothing in the film proves that the cadaver has even the slightest connection with the Roswell incident. The hodgepodge is, however, made up in large part from written and televised press, thus making the Roswell affair look ridiculous. The conclusions of the GAO and the videos of the principal witnesses presented by TFI [a French television channel] go unnoticed, lost in the middle of the film of the autopsy.
• 1996 - The film Independence Day and the [television] series X-Files make numerous references to Roswell.

2. Opinions on Roswell

• Very consistent interviews, affidavits, and video testimonies describe the discovery of material that no one knows how to make in our time: a thin sheet that looks like metal with very great resistance and that is so elastic that after it has been crumpled up into a ball, it spontaneously returns to its initial shape without the least sign of a residual fold.
• It does seem that the crash occurred on July 4, Independence Day, at around 2330 hours. The date and time symbolize American power, whence the following question [arises]: if the crash was in fact that of an extraterrestrial vessel, was it truly an accident or a was it a deliberate crash constituting a message and/or authentication?

3. Roswell and disinformation

The disappearances of files and the Air Force's clumsy attempts at explaining [the incident] show that U.S. military personnel are hiding something important that occurred at Roswell in July 1947, just as they concealed their experiments on the effects of plutonium. The hypothesis of an extraterrestrial vessel that is supported by quality testimonies cannot be dismissed.
To protect the secret, two main types of disinformation, simplified and enhanced, were used in the Roswell affair. It is advisable to note, however, that the dissemination of information and contradictory analyses - by ufologists, for example - may be a spill-over effect of this.
Simplified disinformation is apparent in the Air Force report: testimonies on the debris have been cut down so as to give credence to the Mogul balloon hypothesis. It is also found, more subtly, in Roswell in Perspective, a book by "ufologist" Karl Pflock, a former CIA and DoD employee: affidavits mentioning the tear-proof and crease-resistant material are given in full in an appendix, but they are ignored or cited only in shortened form in the text. In France, sociologist Pierre Lagrange appears to be a victim of this simplified disinformation.
After having endeavored to put the Air Force report and the publications of Karl Pflock into perspective, he concluded:

• "[I will] close with a bit of psychology. Why do many people not believe in the Roswell saucer like they believe in Mogul balloons or the V2s? Because it reminds them too much of popular science fiction. As Bertrand Meheust emphasizes, the topic of the Martian craft that had the exquisite courtesy to crash in the vicinity of a military base comes under the heading of the technological imagination of the beginning of the century, just like the detail regarding the ultra-light and ultra-resistant materials that were used in its construction." (the journal Ovnipresence, February 1995).

This is, on the whole, the simplistic theory concerning UFOs stated by French '"sociopsychologists." It can be refuted as follows: at the beginning of the century, popular science fiction described light rays capable of killing or healing. Nonetheless, military or medical lasers exist today.
Enhanced disinformation was manifested when the film on the autopsy of the "Roswell creature" was aired. In expanding the Roswell affair with this spectacular, but questionable, autopsy, some have succeeded in discrediting it and, especially, in covering up the publication of the GAO report and the dissemination of video testimonies.
It is tempting to believe in a well-orchestrated manipulation.

4. Simplified disinformation on UFOs

The Air Force has practiced this from the onset, as has been revealed by the astronomer Hynek, who was an Air Force consultant from 1948 to 1966 and who described how he aided in trivializing numerous cases by giving them unjustified astronomical interpretations.
The disinformation policy was intensified as a result of the recommendations of a "scientific" committed assembled by the CIA in December 1952, the Robertson Committee, which suggested "stripping the UFO phenomenon of its aura of mystery." The same committee recommended "monitoring " the ufological movements, which were infiltrated by the CIA mainly.
Several key figures have tried to nullify numerous important cases. Philip Class, then editor of — Aviation Week and Space Technology — , took on, among others, three major aeronautical cases: Lakenheath in 1956, RB-47 in 1957, Tehran in 1976, which are described in Chapter 2. He is hardly convincing. In the Tehran case, for example, he correctly cites the testimonies at the beginning of his account, but doesn't take certain aspects into account when he discusses them.
Simplified disinformation is effective on those who do not want to accept the possibility of the extraterrestrial hypothesis.
Enhanced disinformation is aimed at others.

5. Enhanced disinformation on UFOs

This policy was probably implemented very early on; Adamski's alleged contacts with a Venusian in 1952 no doubt fall into this category.
It has become considerably extensive since the resurgence of the Roswell affair at the end of the 70s. The point of departure is the Bennewicz case. This ufologist physicist recorded pulsed microwaves from a testing ground at Kirtland (New Mexico) Air Force base. He attributed them to UFOs exerting control over "abductees" (kidnapped humans) furnished with implants!
Fearing. it seems, the publication of his recordings, the Air Force Office of Special Investigation (AFOS1) and, namely, its special agent Doty from the aforementioned air base, as well as, perhaps, other agencies, induced him to make fantastic "revelations": there were numerous kidnappings, with the placement of implants to control the "abductees." Furthermore, technology transfers were supposedly carried out on bases in New Mexico and Nevada jointly owned by the U.S. Army and extraterrestrials baptized EBEs, Extraterrestrial Biological Entities.
Bennewicz disclosed this information to American saucerists, much of which was increasingly cut off in this manner from the common opinion. John Lear, son of the aircraft builder, contributed on his part details that he had obtained from friends in the Air Force: the Nevada base is Groom Lake base, in "area 51" (Groom Lake does in fact exist; it is so secret that the Air Force does not recognize its existence; nevertheless, it is mentioned in the June 1996 issue of Jane's Defence Weekly).
Later, a Marine officer from the 2nd Marine Division, Bill Cooper, "revealed" that the Council for Foreign Relations (CFR), which, according to him, governs the world through the Bilderberg [Group] and the Trilateral [Commission], supposedly does so in close union with the EBEs...
Enhanced disinformation has probably permitted the protection of research on microwave weapons at Kirtland and on new types of aircraft at Groom Lake.
It has certainly allowed the weapon of the ridiculous to be used against certain gullible ufologists.
Edit: Modified the first paragraph to make clear that this wasn't an official report commissioned by the French Government. Rather it was published by a private organization (COMETA) that was made up mostly of ex and current French military officials. See the wiki article for more info

Hi everyone!
I’ve been lurking for a little bit and I just want to share my current experience.
I’m 33 and just now accepting that I am a lesbian. (God that felt weird and good to type out). I remember being in high school and having my first kiss with a girl (drunk on cheap whiskey after prom) and immediately saying I was Bi! It was so good I just was like yep I like women (but also boys because comphet). But like I had anything to compare it to. I’ve been sexually repressed since I was a kid. I remember “breaking up” with my middle school “boyfriend” cause he touched my butt very innocently and I thought I would go to hell.
Religion has really been the biggest problem in accepting who I am. I got away from it for years in college and a few years after it. But after breaking up with my only long term boyfriend I’ve ever had (in 2015!), my mom and I starting going to church and I’ve been going until this last summer.
I thought it was good for me. But after years of therapy and self reflection I realized I was only performing a role, mainly for my mom (a lot to unpack there I won’t subject you to it). I couldn’t bear to disappoint her. Then suddenly she said me and my sister didn’t have to go and it’s been the most freeing. I always felt like I had to change who I was to fit in with the church people. And that included my sexuality. I didn’t ALLOW myself to even consider being bi, much less lesbian. So for years I just repressed those feelings or wrote them off as a fleeting thought.
So I’ve been pondering this for awhile now, even before I fully left the church, but I’ve been theoretically exploring my lesbian identity. But completely on my own. Like not even with my therapist!! And everything has accelerated in the last few weeks. I had a very meaningful conversation with a dear friend who has accepted her lesbian identity later in her life but earlier than me(we’re the same age) and I realized how much we have in common. She recommended podcasts for me and reminded me that straight people don’t worry about things like “am I just faking my desire to be with women?” She reminded me that I could accept my sexuality without having “experience” with women.
I remember having not full sex with a woman in college, but I remember making out with her and her sucking on my titties and damn it felt so good. I have yet to have an experience as good as that. I technically lost my virginity to my ex-BF and I never once enjoyed it. It was so FORCED and I never orgasmed with him. I could always write off that as it just not being “the one” with him. But now…..my perspective has changed.
I read somewhere that if you think about never again dating a man, how would you feel? And I feel relief. Nothing but sweet sweet relief. No more needy boys on hinge. The thought of pursuing a man just grosses me out all together! I mean I can make every excuse for why I haven’t dated or been even interested in dating for the last nine years (work, too busy, moving around) but only now have I come to the realization that I was only focusing on men and clearly, that’s not what I want. One of the things that sometimes makes me pause is my attraction to male fictional characters. But they’re unattainable and not real. And all the ones I love are in a real or headcanon gay ship. So does that even count? 😂 Or does that only lend more credence to my sexuality. I never get emotionally attached to hetero fictional relationships. But queer ones? Give them all to me. (Also give me some good GL manga/novel recs. I love my BL but I want to learn some real life tips 😜)
Anyway that was a big dump. I took the plunge and went to a lesbian/queer women speed dating event a week ago and I had so much fun. I was so nervous driving there but the feeling dissipated immediately after talking with all the cool, wonderful, gorgeous women there. I would never have done that in a room of dudes.
Women are so incredible and I just want to find the one to share my life with. To love and touch her and have adventures together. I know it will take time, I’m not in a rush but I feel like I’ve lost so many years of hating myself that it’s time to fill my life with love. For myself and others. This is a work in progress, but what isn’t? I just wanted to come out to a bunch of strangers before I truly come out to my other close friends and family (the latter being its own challenge but that’s for another time). I wanted to get this off my chest: I AM A LESBIAN.
If you read all this, thanks. That was very self-indulgent. Appreciate you all ❤️

Vito, throughout his relatively brief run in the series, is portrayed as something of a paragon of masculinity. Patsy and Paulie make a point of noting that "he's a married man, with a goomar^1", later exclaiming that "he's a married man, with kids", emphasizing both his insatiable sexual appetite for women and his virility. He's often the first to comment lewdly on a woman, most notably in S05E05 when he both expresses his desire to have sex with Christopher's fiancee, Adriana, and retells his experience of nearly having done so while Christopher was in rehab, an experience shared by, as far as we're made aware, none of the other mobsters. However, I believe that Vito is a more multifaceted character with greater depth than we're shown on the surface, though determining the extent of that depth requires a close textual reading.
My hypothesis is that Vito is, in fact, a homosexual man hiding his sexual orientation from the others in his life.
We're treated to a particularly interesting scene in S06E05. We find Vito dancing in a club not dissimilar to Adriana's Crazy Horse, but interestingly, and crucially, we've never seen this club before on the show, and there are no other visible members of the crew there. These factors, combined with the loud music and disorienting sea of dancing people, create the immediate impression that something is amiss. Also visually unusual is the way the establishing shots of the club are framed - though it's so packed that the mob associates visiting can barely move through the crowd, a careful examination of the way the milieu is filmed leading up to Vito's appearance shows that not a single woman is included in the camera's eye. This creates the effect of throwing the viewer into what scholar Kristina Milnor terms a "hypermasculine space, built to speak to and about men alone.^2". The same can of course be said of La Cosa Nostra itself, but what we witness here is a strange, hedonistic inversion of the hypermasculinity we've come to expect from that organization - the pleasure of male companionship is on full unbridled display, free of the constraints of suits and business dealings. When we finally see Vito, he's in a full suit of leather, the fully masculine attire we've come to expect through his characterization - so masculine, though, in this case, that it borders on near-parody. A few other things are worthy of note here - we find him in mid-conversation with an associate, though the details of the conversation are not revealed, leaving the door open for some degree of prurience. His unusual style of dance, in which he waves his arm over his head in repeated circles, is not exhibited at any other point in the series, making it deserving of closer scrutiny - you'll recall John Doebler's criticism of Shakespeare's Sonnet 116, noting that the symbolism of the compass used therein refers to its ability to draw a perfect circle, thus establishing the circle as a symbol of eternal love.³ The associate with whom he dances bears a striking resemblance to Freddie Mercury, and, for a noted fan of classic rock like David Chase, the resemblance is almost certainly intentional - though most famous as the late lead singer of Queen, Mercury was also a queer icon of sexual freedom, and one who sadly died of AIDS. The disease is thus indirectly alluded to here, and interestingly, explicitly mentioned by Tony in a later scene - "Nobody's got AIDS!" - in a meeting where every important living member of the crew at that time is present, except for Vito ("nobody", in that context).
This scene, though fraught with possible allusion, cannot stand alone as subtextual proof of Vito's sexual orientation. It does, however, cast light on an earlier scene from S05E09; without the scene from S06E05, we had very little context for the prior. In this aforementioned S05 scene, Finn notices Vito in a car on the construction site with a security guard. As what we see is shot entirely from Finn's perspective, we have no insight into what's being discussed. This isn't out of the ordinary on its face, as it's been established that Vito has a no-work job on this site. There is, however, a somewhat surreal, dreamlike quality to what Finn, and we, witness. The site, previously only seen during the hot summer day, is bathed in an eerie, muted dawn light. It appears initially that only the security guard is present in the car, as Vito is not sitting in the passenger seat in a normal manner - instead, he rises from an apparently prone position to spy Finn through the window. No context is given for this, adding to the feeling that we're in something of a dream, on the border between the subconscious and reality. In that regard, the symbolism here is obvious - Vito, submerged, rises here, like the phoenix or as from a baptism, as a new man, into a new world. Though what "world" that is is unclear at this point in the series, the "hypermasculine space" of the bar in S06 brings the similarly "hypermasculine" space of the car, closed off, containing only one man and one man, yang and yang rather than yin and yang, into perspective. The "world of men" implied here becomes obvious, separated by a physical barrier from the world of male/female coupling of which Finn is a symbol through his relationship with Meadow, his purpose, and only notable trait as, a character.
When these scenes are interpreted in this way, other small scenes without Vito present provide further credence to the theory. In S06E07, New York captain Phil Leotardo exclaims at a mob dinner that "it's an honor to be joined by men, and not faggot-ass cornholin' cocksuckers like married my cousin". To the viewer who has missed the symbolism of the prior scenes, we are as in the dark regarding this statement as the mobsters present are, who regard Phil's unprovoked and irrelevant discussion of his family life with awkward confusion. As it can be taken as evidence of Phil's self-centeredness, or perhaps even early dementia, foreshadowing the ineptitude and obsession with petty grudges that mark his doomed tenure as boss, it takes a careful viewer to note fact that, again, an important captain like Vito is not present when matters of homosexuality are discussed (see again "nobody's got AIDS!"), and thus associate such statements with his notable and glaring omission from the present company. Also note that in Vito's first appearence in the series, S01E08, he and Christopher are in the same bakery, and yet Christopher fails to recognize him. Though Christopher was often on drugs, the fact that Vito was chosen here instead of another mobster for Christopher to ignore is relevant - shades of the double life, of being "seen and not seen", cannot be ignored.
 
Thoughts?
 
 
¹ A "comare", or mistress/girlfriend.
² Other Men’s Wives: Domesticity and Display in Vitruvius’ de Architectura, 2008
³ "Impediments" in Shakespeare's Sonnet 116, 1984

Previous Parts:

• Part 1: Dany Died In MMD's Tent and Will Die Again- Dies Twice to be Born Thrice
• Part 2: AA = BE, NN = AE, Reenacting History
• Part 3: (f)Dany and Lemongate and Stark Blood

The Death of the Iron Throne by Dragon-Daenerys

In the show, Dany’s baby boy Drogon, when discovering Jon Snow standing over his dead mother, somehow displays the socio-political expertise necessary to understand that while Jon Snow may have killed Daenerys, it was, at its core, the pursuit of the Iron Throne that was really the cause of Daenerys’s downfall and death, and thus, in order to truly avenge his mother, he must destroy the throne.
Or, maybe, he just saw his mom dead to a wound caused by a pointy thing, and killed the chair made of pointy things.
It’s my belief that this action- the final destruction of the Iron Throne by the jaws of Drogon- is quite literally plucked straight from GRRM’s ending.
Because as I’ve said in previous parts, it’s my full belief that R+L equals both J and D. And thusly, if Daenerys Targaryen has Stark blood, she, in truth, would possess the same abilities that all other Stark kids in the show- including, as I believe, her full-blooded brother- possess. Namely, the ‘blood of the warg’, and thusly, the ability to skinchange.
It’s also my pointed statement that Jon killing Dany is the metaphorical completion of Jon’s steps on the prophecy of Azor Ahai. To kill the woman he loves, her soul joining with the “flaming sword held above the world” of Drogon. An act only possible by Dany’s Stark blood.
And let me ask you this: does it not make sense that rather than- as D&D so wonderfully described it as- an act of random destruction, that Drogon’s destruction of the Iron Throne may be rather driven by Daenerys taking root in Drogon’s brain? That Dany decides to destroy the Iron Throne?
After all, the Iron Throne was never really her dream. Her dream was a house with a red door and a lemon tree outside her window. Her dream was home. The Iron Throne was Viserys’s dream. And she took up her family’s legacy when she became her family’s last scion (that she knew of).
But Dany needs to remember who she is. She’s Aegon the Conqueror reborn (“with teats” as Tyrion puts it). Aegon didn’t head back to Essos to reclaim the Targaryen’s status as dragon-lords by remaking Valyria. He headed west to create his own legacy.
I think this is backed up a bit in GRRM’s statements. He has stated Dany’s mentality of ‘taking it back’ is inspired by his own family’s history; he grew up in a town being told that his family used to own that, that they used to own this, and GRRM told himself every day that one day, he’d reclaim it, buy it back, bring it back to where it belongs.
But I don’t think any of us would probably argue with the concept that GRRM has now forged his own legacy, one far greater than that of his parents, grandparents, and such.
So I think it would be poetic and in line with GRRM’s own experiences that the act of focusing on what you’ve lost harms your ability to see what you can create. That Dany is, symbolically, limiting herself. In other words, she’s chained herself.
In the end, Dany will free herself of the chain of the Targaryen dynasty, by breaking its most potent symbol: the Iron Throne of Westeros. Dany will free herself to forge her own legacy- one greater than even Aegon the Conqueror established. (It’s my hope she’ll quite literally re-create the Great Empire of the Dawn.)

Proof of Dany’s Final Resurrection In The Show-Verse

Most people are familiar with these so I won’t go too deep into them:
Drogon takes Dany off, and at last we hear about Drogon’s actions, it’s towards Volantis, where in the show, Red Priestess Kinvara was stationed, devotedly loyal to her.
The song on the ‘For the Throne’ album, ‘Pray (High Valyrian)’ with samples of Melisandre’s resurrection prayer, and vocals from Matthew Bellamy of Muse being ‘we can bring her back.’
Even in the show, it’s my full belief that Dany’s back.

The Reversal of the Order of GRRM’s Endgame

It’s my fervent belief that the show missed GRRM’s point that the pursuit of the Iron Throne is itself inherently corrupting and that it distracts people from the true threat, that being, the icy apocalypse forming beyond the Wall. And that until the Iron Throne situation is resolved- as I believe by Dany destroying the Iron Throne- it will continue to distract and weaken the Living’s position.
So it’s my belief that the Iron Throne is destroyed before the Long Night is resolved. Jon needs to kill Dany and complete his forging of Lightbringer, for one- it’s pointless to create a sword that can drive back the darkness if you’ve already defeated the darkness. Dany gets resurrected (it’s my belief she herself is Jon’s Lightbringer) and joins forces with her newly-discovered Stark family, making the pack whole. And they win.
I like the symbolism, too, if I’m right and Dany’s resurrection is performed by Lady Stoneheart, Catelyn Stark, giving her the Kiss of Life, as Berric did to her. Ned broke his promise; he didn’t protect Daenerys as he promised. In the end, Catelyn Stark fulfills her husband’s sworn word. The promise is, at last, fulfilled, and it’s that that leads to the final victory.
But I think D&D decided that, given that show fans seemed to care more about ‘who will sit on the Iron Throne’ than the White Walker situation, a few things. First, let’s face it, Jon killing Dany is far and away probably the most impactful thing they had left to tell after the Red Wedding. They wanted it to be the series finale.
Second, they wanted the question of ‘who shall rule’ to be the endgame.

The Assassination of GRRM’s Ending by the Cowards D&D

But in order to do this they butchered GRRM’s ending. Completely ridiculously butchered it.
It’s an open secret, I believe, that a Cersei miscarriage scene was filmed. We’ve been told this was supposed to lead into ‘maximum unhinged Cersei’. While I can understand the possibility that this was cut due to sensitivity about miscarriages, I think D&D and HBO missed the point: Cersei doesn’t go full nuts because she miscarries. She goes full nuts because in her self-centered mindset, so long as she believed she would have a fourth child, she believed that she had proof that the Prophecy of Maggie the Frog was wrong, and thusly, she had hope that she might not die at the hands of a ‘younger, more beautiful’ queen.
Cersei wouldn’t have ‘gone crazy.’ She would have been entirely… well, mostly sane, but at the same time, she would have fully believed now that Daenerys would kill her. So her actions would be to ensure that if she can’t win, no one else can. In her own self-centeredness, she would have decided to flip the board rather than let someone else win.
There’s a ridiculous amount of foreshadowing in the books linking Cersei to wildfire, and directly making her out to be Aerys 2.0.
Seriously just look at all this.

Her eyes burned, green fire in the dusk, like the lioness that was her sigil.

He was pleased that Cersei had not been idle, but wildfire was treacherous stuff, and ten thousand jars were enough to turn all of King's Landing into cinders.

Candlelight gleamed green as wildfire in Cersei's eyes.

"Do you still mean to go ahead and burn the Tower of the Hand?"
"After the feast." It was the only part of the day's festivities that Cersei thought she might enjoy.

"Even if Tyrion were still hiding in the castle, he won't be in the Tower of the Hand. We've reduced it to a shell."
"Would that we could do the same to the rest of this foul castle," said Cersei.

"If these flames spread beyond the tower, you may end up burning down the castle whether you mean to or not. Wildfire is treacherous."
"Lord Hallyne has assured me that his pyromancers can control the fire." The Guild of Alchemists had been brewing fresh wildfire for a fortnight. "Let all of King's Landing see the flames. It will be a lesson to our enemies."
"Now you sound like Aerys."

The queen could feel the heat of those green flames. The pyromancers said that only three things burned hotter than their substance: dragonflame, the fires beneath the earth, and the summer sun. Some of the ladies gasped when the first flames appeared in the windows, licking up the outer walls like long green tongues. Others cheered, and made toasts.
It is beautiful, she thought, as beautiful as Joffrey, when they laid him in my arms. No man had ever made her feel as good as she had felt when he took her nipple in his mouth to nurse.

Jaime knew the look in his sister's eyes. He had seen it before, most recently on the night of Tommen's wedding, when she burned the Tower of the Hand. The green light of the wildfire had bathed the face of the watchers, so they looked like nothing so much as rotting corpses, a pack of gleeful ghouls, but some of the corpses were prettier than others. Even in the baleful glow, Cersei had been beautiful to look upon. She'd stood with one hand on her breast, her lips parted, her green eyes shining. She is crying, Jaime had realized, but whether it was from grief or ecstasy he could not have said.
The sight had filled him with disquiet, reminding him of Aerys Targaryen and the way a burning would arouse him.

Let him be king over charred bones and cooked meat, Jaime remembered, studying his sister's smile. Let him be the king of ashes.

Their father had been as relentless and implacable as a glacier, where Cersei was all wildfire, especially when thwarted.

She swirled her wine. "Lord Hallyne might suit. He would not be the first pyromancer to serve as the King's Hand."
No. I killed the last one.

All this foreshadowing has to mean SOMETHING, and there is NO Chekhov's Gun relating to wildfire more prominently displayed than the Mad King’s caches, and the foreshadowing is DIRECTLY making Cersei-Aerys comparisons.
So it’s my belief in the books Dany will be framed, in some way, almost certainly by Cersei, for the destruction of King’s Landing. She’s unfairly blamed because she’s “the Mad King’s daughter” when she not only didn’t do it, she’s not even Aerys’s daughter. (I completely hate Secret Targ Tyrion theories because of how it undermines Tywin’s inability to accept Tyrion as his son, but I would begrudgingly accept the concept of Secret Targs Jaime and Cersei given this).
This gives Jon the impetus to kill her, while also making her death more in line with the Lord of Light’s wishes. What do you call someone who didn’t commit a crime? What type of sacrifice does the Lord of Light favor?

“The Lord of Light cherishes the innocent. There is no sacrifice more precious.”

In direct appropriation to how prophecy works, in working to ensure Daenerys loses, Cersei brings her prophecy to fulfillment. If she had never believed it so fully, if she had never given it so much credence that here, at the end, she lives her life to spite it, she would never have given reason for her death.
Her actions are discovered and she’s killed for them.

Visions And Prophecies Going Wrong

It’s a popular theory that the Mad King had ideas planted in his brain by Outside Forces. Namely, the Three-Eyed Crow. To “burn them all”.
Jaime cites that the Mad King fully believes that in the resulting conflagration, he won’t die. He’ll become a dragon and rise from the inferno.
Which, if I may, sounds an awful lot like my theory: King’s Landing is destroyed, Jon kills Dany, but she becomes a dragon.

Ghosts lined the hallway, dressed in the faded raiment of kings. In their hands were swords of pale fire. They had hair of silver and hair of gold and hair of platinum white, and their eyes were opal and amethyst, tourmaline and jade. ‘Faster,’ they cried, ‘faster, faster.’ She raced, her feet melting the stone wherever they touched. ‘Faster!’ the ghosts cried as one, and she screamed and threw herself forward. A great knife of pain ripped down her back, and she felt her skin tear open and smelled the stench of burning blood and saw the shadow of wings. And Daenerys Targaryen flew.

Feeling compelled by her ancestors to complete her destiny, Dany races forward blindly, destruction in her wake as with each step she melts the stone floor beneath her feet. She keeps going forward, the demands of her ancestry upon her, until…
“Great knife of pain” in her back, “backstabbed”, betrayed. And it’s only then she becomes a dragon, and takes flight.
The Mad King’s visions, planted or not, are somewhat accurate. King’s Landing will burn and the result will be a Targaryen turning into a dragon; it’s just not him, and not in that exact manner.
Likewise, in her efforts to spite the younger, more beautiful queen, Cersei causes her own death- at the hands of the Valonqar.

Who Is The Valonqar

As much as people shit on Jaime going back to Cersei in the show, I, unfortunately, do think it makes sense with GRRM’s writing style. Redemption arcs aren’t always completed. Heroes falter. Love is complicated. Love can be toxic and inescapable.
Is it so unbelievable that Jaime would, in the end, be unable to prevent the atrocity a second time? That when faced now with Cersei, he can’t bring himself to do it? The act for which he’s been ridiculed and mocked his entire life?
It’s entirely human for, at the last, for Jaime to falter in his redemption. He, after all, only really killed Aerys because his father was threatened. Would he have become the Kingslayer if Tywin wasn’t in the city?
Will he kill his sister, who he does love, when he only killed his King to save his father?
The ending may be similar to the show ending. Jaime standing amidst the destruction Cersei has unleashed, in the end, the calamity underway, these two who came into the world together, going out together. Not strangling the life from her, but his hands, maybe on her neck. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, after all, insisted that in their death scene, his hands be on Cersei’s neck in such a way.
But I don’t like that. It does make sense, but the book-prophecy of Maggie the Frog is clear: the valonqar will “choke the life” from her.
Given all my beliefs, all my theories, there’s one thing that sticks out to me.
That I believe the show cut Dany’s true parentage out.
And the show also cut the valonqar part of Maggie the Frog’s prophecy.
This is not a coincidence.

Jon is the Valonqar

They cut the valonqar prophecy because they cut the sibling relationship in question.

But GRRM said Jon is 8-9 months older

I cannot just wave my arms and say GRRM didn’t say this. He has.
But is he being… entirely truthful? Or is he playing at being Obi-Wan and speaking, “from a certain point of view”?
I’m not going to be so assholeish as to accuse GRRM of lying. Though for the record, if he is, I’m all for it. Why the fuck not protect the biggest twist in your entire damn series? It’s a brilliant move.
But I will also claim that, if he was being truthful, there’s a fun little loophole. Jon has died at the end of ADWD. It’s fairly obvious to all of us he’ll be resurrected. Born again.
And by being born again, he is now born more recently than Daenerys. Making him, in a very fun, metaphorical way, her little brother. Her valonqar.
Which does, in my theories, make it line up more with the idea of them re-enacting Bloodstone Emperor Azor Ahai and Amethyst Empress Nissa Nissa. Since the Bloodstone Emperor murdered the Amethyst Empress, the ruling monarch of the Great Empire of the Dawn. Therefore, probably older.
Or George was being Obi-Wanish. Dany and Jon being twins makes them a greater foil to Jaime and Cersei. Though I will also point out, babies born 8-9 months apart has another term: “Irish Twins.”

I’m Gonna Call My Shot

SO. Everything I believe, here’s a way I think the story will go. I don’t guarantee 100% accuracy. It’s just, believing what I believe, the way that I think it makes most sense.
Jon is resurrected. He spent his time in Ghost, meaning he didn’t suffer the mind-fucking effects that Berric did of true death. He only has to deal with the whole trauma of being actually for-real legitimately murdered.
He abandons his post at the Wall, for similar reasons to the show- he died, his Watch is ended.
Howland Reed arrives with Robb’s will. Howland knows the truth of Jon’s parentage. But not the entire truth- he knows jack fucking shit about Daenerys. He presents Jon with Robb’s will, Robb’s will that gives Jon everything he ever wanted: full recognition as a Stark, namely. With that, since Robb’s dead, Lordship of Winterfell, and now, King in the North.
But Howland also feels obligated to tell Jon the truth Ned never did. That Jon is not actually Ned’s son; he’s the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark. And, in fact, he’s trueborn (which is debatable but enough people believe it).
Jon’s fucking devastated. His father, who he idolized, lied to him his entire life. He, a trueborn Targaryen, was masked as a Stark bastard, a role he suffered in. Why? Because Ned was more loyal to Robert fucking Baratheon?
Jon has a choice now. He also hears by now that a certain person claiming to be Aegon Targaryen has arrived in the south. Jon knows no matter what that there needs to be an all-Westerosi alliance to defeat the Others.
So here, he makes his choice. He rejects Robb’s will, and heads south to meet up with Aegon. Aegon, for his part, probably is doubtful, but those around him see enough proof that they believe him. Aegon accepts Jon and names him his brother and heir.
Jon gets placed onto a path that leads to his own ruin, and it’s, to be frank, because Eddard Stark never told him the truth. Ned may have had good intentions; however, not telling a young boy who his real parents were, and, in my opinion, sort of abandoning Daenerys, is fucked. Ned needs some gray in his ledger; Ned’s decisions need to have consequences.
The position of Aegon I find difficult to place. I posted earlier the ridiculous amount of Cersei foreshadowing that’s in play. But if Aegon, as expected, takes King’s Landing, I find it hard to accept a scenario where Cersei can be in position to fulfill that foreshadowing.
Unless she makes alliance with Aegon. It makes sense. Daenerys is coming; Daenerys has three dragons. Bleeding one another in a war only weakens them. Cersei controls the Westerlands and the Riverlands (through Frey and their complete reliance on Lannister backing).
It’s sealed by a marriage. Perhaps Myrcella to Aegon, perhaps Cersei herself.
Daenerys, in Essos, wraps up the Meereenese knot, and also deals with Volantis. Her attack on Volantis is ruthless and brutal; however, it doesn’t serve her efforts in Westeros. Her Westerosi competitors claim she’s massacring nobles (though, of course, she’s massacring slavers, not nobles). It drives up fears of her being a ‘Mad Queen.’
Then Daenerys arrives in Westeros. She probably takes Dragonstone first. Aegon sends Jon to treat with her. During this time, she and Jon fall in love. Dany pleads with Jon that Aegon is fake, but she has no solid proof- Quaithe and other things are the only reason she believes that. Jon thinks she’s claiming that for her own power.
In the end, they don’t agree. Dany attacks King’s Landing. Cersei triggers the wildfire. Dany is blamed.
Cersei survives this and begins to wonder if she escaped the prophecy.
It’s begged for Jon to save the realm. Aegon was King; Dany is a usurper. Jon must avenge his brother, take the throne, save the realm from the Mad Queen.
Jon goes to Dany. She realizes why he’s there. Perhaps unaware of the fact that she isn’t responsible for King’s Landing’s destruction, she succumbs. She allows Jon to kill her.
It’s a colossal, grievous, nightmarish mistake. Aegon was fake all along; Dany was right. Dany didn’t destroy the city. But these truths are only revealed after Jon does it.
But that’s not the end of the story, of course. Dany, perhaps now more in touch with her Stark-side thanks to Jon’s influence, has begun to awaken, or strengthen, her warg blood. She reaches out in her death panic to her own bonded “animal” companion- Drogon.
That’s going to be her last word (in this life), just as Robb’s was “Grey Wind”, just as Jon’s was “Ghost.” “Drogon.”
Nissa Nissa’s soul has entered Drogon, the “flaming sword held above the world.” Dany, nested inside Drogon’s head, finally recognizing the truth, that the Iron Throne itself is a corrupting influence, destroys it. She ends House Targaryen’s rule over the Seven Kingdoms.
When the truth comes out… Jon is, uh… mad. Real mad. He discovers Cersei destroyed the city, and he heads to her. He fucking strangles her to death, thus, in the end, ensuring her prophecy comes to fulfillment.
Jon’s going to be put to death by Dany’s supporters, who aren’t loyal to the Targaryen family, they’re loyal to Dany.
Lady Stoneheart, the truth now revealed, does something to honor Ned. At the last, she goes to Dany’s body, and gives her the Kiss of Life. Daenerys is resurrected, and returns to her own body.
Dany has Jon spared, and joins with him and the rest of the Starks, to defeat the Others.
Afterwards, Jon, regretful for his own mistakes, rejoins the Night’s Watch. Dany, having no desire anymore to stay in Westeros, which is now far too painful to her, heads back east to Essos, going back to the people who she made hers: the freed slaves.

This post is a year in the making. I read (not listened, not that it matters) 100 books exactly in 2023. Some were novellas, and apparently lots of Ruby Dixon.
After I finished each, I gave it a score of 0-10. Obviously my preferences may differ from others.
I don't have a lot of triggers that I avoid (do I have any?). Anything from regular romance to super dark is fine.
10 out of 10:

1. Fall by Claire Kent
2. Guardian by Emmy Chandler
3. Hunter by Emmy Chandler
4. Champion by Emmy Chandler
5. Dirty Lies by Emmy Chandler
6. Ice Planet Barbarians by Ruby Dixon
7. Prison Planet Barbarian by Ruby Dixon
8. Bass Ackwards by Eris Addey
9. An Offer from a Gentleman by Julia Quinn
10. Bad Guy by Ruby Dixon
11. Credence by Penelope Douglas
12. It Ain't me Babe by Tillie Cole
13. The Never King by Nikki St. Crowe
14. Pestilence by Laura Thalassa
15. War by Laura Thalassa
16. The Game Maker by Kitty Thomas

​
9 out of 10:

1. Barbarian's Mate by Ruby Dixon
2. Barbarian's Touch by Ruby Dixon
3. Barbarian's Taming by Ruby Dixon
4. Barbarian's Heart (Stacy & Pashov) by Ruby Dixon
5. Burn by Suzanne Wright
6. Barbarian's Tease (Taushen & Brooke) by Ruby Dixon
7. In the Corsairs Bed by Ruby Dixon
8. Enticed by the Corsair by Ruby Dixon
9. Deceiving the Corsair by Ruby Dixon
10. The Alien's Male Order Bride by Ruby Dixon
11. When She's Married by Ruby Dixon
12. When She Purrs by Ruby Dixon
13. When She Belongs by Ruby Dixon
14. Gallows Pole by Eris Addey
15. Blyss by JC Cliff
16. When She's Bold by Ruby Dixon
17. Afterglow by Maria Monroe
18. Citadel by Claire Kent
19. The Dark One by Nikki St. Crowe
20. Brutal Prince by Sophie Lark
21. Lauren's Barbarian by Ruby Dixon
22. Indebted #1 by Pepper Winters
23. Indebted #2 by Pepper Winters
24. Indebted #3 by Pepper Winters
25. I Know What Love Is by Whitney Bianca
26. Trapped by Alison Aimes
27. Sanctuary by Claire Kent

8 out of 10:

1. Traitor (Prison Planet 6) by Emmy Chandler
2. Barbarian's Alien by Ruby Dixon
3. Barbarian Mine by Ruby Dixon
4. Barbarian Prize by Ruby Dixon
5. Barbarian's Hope (Asha & Hemalo) by Ruby Dixon
6. Barbarian's Choice (Farli & Mardok) by Ruby Dixon
7. Barbarian's Redemption (Bek & Elly) by Ruby Dixon
8. The Corsairs Captive by Ruby Dixon
9. When She's Ready by Ruby Dixon
10. Lemonade by Nina Pennacchi
11. When She Dances by Ruby Dixon
12. Flesh by Kylie Scott
13. When She's Lonely by Ruby Dixon
14. Corsairs (Kaspar) by Ruby Dixon
15. Hearts Recaptured by Tillie Cole
16. Buttons & Blame by Penelope Sky
17. The Beckett Boys (Smith) by Olivia Chase
18. Indebted #4 by Pepper Winters
19. Famine by Laura Thalassa
20. King Sized by Jessa Kane
21. Barbarian's Beloved (Ariana & Zolaya) by Ruby Dixon

7 out of 10:

1. Rise by Claire Kent
2. Hostage (Prison Planet 5) by Emmy Chandler
3. Ice Planet Honeymoon (Georgie & Vektal) by Ruby Dixon
4. Ice Planet Honeymoon (Liz & Rahosh) by Ruby Dixon
5. Ice Planet Honeymoon (Kira & Aehako) by Ruby Dixon
6. Ice Planet Honeymoon (Harlow & Rukh) by Ruby Dixon
7. Ice Planet Holiday by Ruby Dixon
8. Having the Barbarian's Baby by Ruby Dixon
9. Ice Ice Babies by Ruby Dixon
10. Calm by Ruby Dixon
11. Aftershocks by Ruby Dixon
12. Barbarian's Lady (Kate & Harrec) by Ruby Dixon
13. Barbarian's Rescue (Summer & Warrek) by Ruby Dixon
14. Pretty Human by Ruby Dixon
15. Blyssful Lies by JC Cliff
16. When She's Pregnant by Ruby Dixon
17. Corsairs (Adiron) by Ruby Dixon
18. Worse Guy by Ruby Dixon
19. Souls Unfractured by Tillie Cole
20. Corsairs (Straik) by Ruby Dixon
21. Their Vicious Darling by Nikki St. Crowe
22. Buttons & Shame by Penelope Sky
23. Veronica's Dragon by Ruby Dixon
24. Captive in the Dark by CJ Roberts
25. Stone Rules by Samantha Christy
26. The Barbarian's Before Christmas by Ruby Dixon
27. The Bad Guy by Celia Aaron
28. Beckett Boys (Asher) by Olivia Chase
29. Gail's Family by Ruby Dixon

6 out of 10:

1. Barbarian's Lover by Ruby Dixon
2. Blaze by Suzanne Wright
3. Romancing Mr. Bridgerton (Colin) by Julia Quinn)
4. Beckett Boys (Jax) by Olivia Chase
5. Death by Laura Thalassa

1-5 out of 10:

1. The Mafia and his Angel by Lylah James
2. Peep Show by Isabella Starling

Did Not Finish:

• The Sordid Duet by Nikki Sloane
• Unorthodox by KV Rose
• Buttons & Grace by Penelope Sky
• Corsairs (Mathiras) by Ruby Dixon
• Praise by Sara Cate

---
I read about 55 books in 2022 (no Ruby Dixon) if anyone wants those ratings.
​
Enjoy! And as always, comment recommendations!
​

Harlaw - 6th month, 270 AC

Dagon Harlaw

The Tower of Glimmering was poorly named. It was nothing of note, smaller then any of the Ten Towers, and there was no glimmer nor shine to it. The closest it came to resembling its name was seeing the glimmer of the sun reflect off the nearby water only to dissipate as the light hit the stone of his tower. His Tower. That was what he had, a tower, and boat, the latter being the far more valuable one of the two. Hunter’s Mark was as great a thing as he had, on there at least, he remained as he had always been. But he was no fool. Dagon had been captured and held by foreigners, waiting to be saved like some damsel. It may have been many years ago now, but he had not forgotten it.
He growled, more at the thought of that time then the task before him, as he swung his sword into the timid thrall holding up a shield far to big for him. It did not hit cleanly, and Dagon grimaced and swung harder, but he did not hit any better. He was more used to an axe, but if he was ever going to earn the damned sword his father kept locked away, he would need to learn how to use a sword. It felt wrong, less weighty, and less impactful, but he kept trying, striking the shield over and over and over and over until it splintered and cracked. With an exasperated yell he threw the training sword down and stalked away back into the tower.
He’d been here too long. Since the war he had not left his lands, thinking he would go out sailing once more tomorrow, and then when tomorrow came, he would wait for it the next day, and so on. Now, he was left to hit some boy’s shield for hours on end, not improving in the slightest. He slumped into a chair by a window and looked out to the sea. He missed it, but what was left for him out there? He had failed, in every way a man could, surely. Not every way, perhaps, but too close for his liking. He thought, with his father’s illness, he might be able to regain his reputation, wielding the famed sword once held by the Red Kraken. Then his mother had the gall to refuse him. For what? His failure? Surely they could see he needed it because of his failure. Now though, it was clear he would need to earn that too. If he was honest, he knew it would not be earned by learning to use some training sword. He would need more. Something to make him more then the youngest son of the Harlaw, the one without a wife, rock or salt, the one who was captured and imprisoned. He hating thinking of his captivity. He had taken some time to recover, so even beyond the shame it brought him, it had weakened him physically. His strength returned in time, but his shame did not fade.
He would need to do something his father could not ignore. Then, surely, he would be granted the sword, and perhaps even something greater then this pathetic tower. Harridan Hall maybe. He would need help. His brother would provide none, Erich was always the least ambitious of the three of them. His uncle perhaps, but Sigfryd already held his opinions of Dagon after what had happened at Tyrosh. So he would have to look beyond. He would not make a mockery of his name by going to other Ironborn, not at first anyway, but he did know there were foreigners on these islands now. Foreigners who had made a Drumm rise from forgotten at sea to Archon of Tyrosh. That would be something that could not be forgotten, and so he would need something of the same kind.
He found himself smiling at the thought, not of all that he needed to do, but simply for the fact that he had once more found a reason to sail. He would not fail a second time.

Sigfryd Silverhair

Soulstealer arrived to fanfare, as it always did at Harlaw Hall. Not for the first time over the last few years, Sigfryd, Lord of Harlaw Hall, brother of the Harlaw, had returned with treasures aplenty. It was even more felt by the people here, knowing his brother was sick and so not so great a presence here these days. Boremund might have sons, but Sigfryd was his best choice for a successor. His brother would not see it, but at least these people did.
“Move boy”, he said hitting the back of Gormond’s head with his shield, “Don’t gawk”. His eldest son, and his only rock son was nothing like him in some ways. Gormond was stocky, shorter and friendly. Too friendly, but to Gormond’s credit he had not grown into a fool. A capable enough fighter and sailor, and a good man with people too. That had its downsides, his overprotectiveness of his sister had left her soft, and he clearly did not understand the difference between him and his salt brother. Still, he was well liked, and even now people crowded around him to hear his stories.
“I am sorry, I am sorry, but my father and I are busy with… something, I’m sure”, the younger man gave a grin and chuckled as he received some laughter for his jape as he turned and continued alongside his father. Sigfryd shook his head a little but continued into the hall.
Within the broad-shouldered Master-at-Arms, Goren One-Eye glanced up as the two men approached, “Gormond. Sigfryd. Success then?”
“As much as can be expected”. They were not raids which he would talk about for generations, but they had gathered much from them all the same. “The Disputed Lands are in turmoil with the fall of the black dragon. It is as good a time as any”.
“So you will return there then? Raiding Essos till you are silver of hair?”, Goren asked as men brought in what had been gained from the reaving behind them.
Sigfryd scoffed, “I am not so old, simply because of the colour of my hair. Besides, we will look elsewhere. The Summer Isles perhaps, a warm, fruitful land. I am in need of a new salt wife”, he said with a shrug.
“Where is Meldred?”, Gormond asked after having glanced around, “He was not training in the courtyard”. The relationship between his rock son and his salt son was a strange one. Gormond seemed to always ask of his brother, but Meldred never did the same in return. Meldred was skilled, but sulked and was not a true Ironborn, not in the same way his rock children were. The boy was stubborn, persistent, and desperate to prove himself greater then those around him. Only men of weakness needed to prove such things, as talented as Meldred might be.
“He left”, Goren said simply.
Sigfryd blinked, “Left?”
“Old Torwald was convinced to hand over his boat, finally, and with you and your son gone, Erich refusing and Dagon already with a ship of his own”, One-Eye shrugged, “It went to him. Then he left”.
“To where?”, Sigfryd asked, bewildered at the thought. Where did Meldred have to go? Not his mothers home, certainly, and where else would welcome a Dornish-looking Ironborn?
The master of arms only shrugged.
Gormond seemed a little crestfallen, and while Sigfryd was surprised he shook it off. “He will be back soon enough, certainly. Let him sail, it will be good for him”. With that, Sigfryd moved on from concerns around his salt son to organising the bounty they had gathered, and planning for the next.

Meldred Harlaw

Cold Iron swayed under his feet as he held tightly to the mast as they sailed forward. Bellowing laughter came from the front of the ship as Torwald, the former Captain of the Fleet at Harlaw - and, more importantly, former captain of this ship - held his head up to feel the waves crashing into him. “The Drowned God wakes, boy!”, the old Ironman called out, glancing back at Meldred with a wild grin.
Meldred glared back, mostly to hide his own unsteadiness on the ship. He’d been on ships before, mostly his father’s Soulstealer, but this was new, but it was necessary for him to endure it.
He was the saltson of a Dornishwoman, and while it was not something he openly told every person he met, his skin was distinctly darker then any of those here, and he could not hide that. He ignored it most of the time, and preferred to focus on improving himself, to become better then everyone else. As a child, Gormond was always bigger, and beat him any time their father had them spar. Worse still, his rock brother did not seem to take it as seriously as he did. So, once he had grown up - far taller then his brother, though far less robust - he had taken to meticulously practicing in the training yard with sword and axe, and even spear, though he did that as little as he could. There was no need to look more like a Dornishman then he already did. With all that work, he improved, improved greatly in fact. He could beat Gormond now, more often then not, but even still his brother did not seem fased. It angered him to no end, Gormond’s life was so easy he could walk around with smiles and laughs all the time, but Meldred was not afforded that opportunity.
It was for similar reasons to him taking up the sword that he had asked Torwald to use his ship. In a surprising twist, Torwald had outright given the ship to Meldred - provided that the old man could join him when he sailed. Meldred had seen no reason to disagree, and here they were. He would learn to become a great sailor, then he would have the two aspects of life his father’s people valued most. Skill at arms and skill at sea. He hoped then, he might be truly accepted as Ironborn. If he was truly honest with himself though, he was not entirely sure that would do it.
There was another option. A near impossibility for the salt son of a brother of the Lord, but not completely impossible. He could, maybe, wield Nightfall. The famed sword of his father’s house, and the Red Kracken before them. No other Harlaw would wield it better then he would, certainly not the boy heir. So there was a chance, but he would need to do far more. For now though, he focused on staying on two feet and watching the sails as they caught the wind. He may only be half Ironborn, but he could see the beauty in a ship sailing well. Clearly Torwald did too, as the old man bellowed laughter again.

Gwynesse Harlaw

“Where is he? Grandfather said we will be leaving soon”. Gwynesse let out an exasperated sigh at her sister’s shrug. “I can guess where he might be”, the elder of the two daughters of Vickon Harlaw pointed out with a glare.
“Oh don’t be so worried Winnie-”
“We’re not children, don’t call me that!”, Gwynesse put in.
“He’s probably just reading”, Alannys continued, unbothered by her sister’s protest. “Come, we can go fetch him”, the younger girl said as she headed toward the Thrall’s Tower.
Gwynesse hated the Thrall’s Tower. It was, rightfully, where her grandfather had put the Maester and his books, but now Rodrik spent all his spare time in there. It was wrong for the heir of Harlaw to nearly live out of that tower - but if she was listing all the things wrong with her brother being heir she’d never stop. She liked Rodrik well enough, and did not necessarily blame him, but his mere existence was a frustration, especially given he was not like their father had been. It might have been easier to accept being second in line after a true Ironborn warrior, but Rodrik was more familiar with book then sword. Even worse, she could not then dismiss him on that basis, since the men said her brother was a decent enough swordsman. As though ‘decent enough’ was enough to be Lord.
“Rodrik, grandfather wants us, we are going to Pyke to- Rodrik?”, Alannys entered the makeshift library and frowned around. Gwynesse, begrudgingly, followed but as she glanced around she also noticed that their brother was not here.
“Hello Lanny”. The voice came from above, and atop one of the bookshelves sat the young heir to Harlaw. Reading, as ever.
“Get down from there!”, snapped Gwynesse, “We are leaving soon, grandfather will not be happy if you are late”.
Rodrik frowned and glanced out a nearby window, before turning back to his sisters. “A Greyjoy then, Gwyn?”, he asked softly.
Alannys looked confused but Gwynesse sighed, “You aren’t as smart as you think you are”, she said glaring up at her brother.
Rodrik smiled, but it faded as he looked confused for a moment then looked to his younger sister then back at Gwynesse, eyes widened slightly. “But… you are elder”
“Thank you, brother”, Gwynesse said dryly before shrugging, “Perhaps grandfather has other plans for me”.
Rodrik seemed stunned for a moment, as he hopped off the bookshelf, “But, that means…”.
Gwynesse took a deep breath and sighed. Her siblings were fools, for all Alannys grand ambitions and Rodriks reading. They were still her siblings though, and far closer to each other then she was to either. “Come, we will see what happens on Pyke”, she said putting a hand on each of their shoulders.
Truthfully though, she had similar questions to Rodrik, and had no answers so far. A small part of her wondered if her grandfather did have other plans, greater plans. Unlikely, but perhaps. Perhaps he will give that sword to me, she thought to herself, more amused by the idea then giving it any credence. The only reason she would have it would be because she had ended up as Lady of Harlaw, given she was not going to be given it for her skill at arms, which were non-existent. That didn’t sound so bad, now that she considered it.