I thought something while watching some Jen content — though we can all agree she is completely delusional, many other influencers share the same kind of lack of self analysis and criticism and it absolutely baffles me.
How can people who where very recently in and out of hospitals, nearly dying of a mental disorder, be so fucking sure that they’re absolutely right about what they say while giving out advice on physical and mental health??? And when they’re called out they stand their ground as if they weren’t the ones who barely could think their way out of a deadly eating disorder.
Not to be cruel or whatever, I’m saying this because I KNOW how sneaky EDs can be and how we constantly have to remind ourselves of it. And if any of us was so 100% right about what’s healthy and what isn’t, well……we wouldn’t have to be going through ED recovery right now because we wouldn’t have gotten sick in the first place.

I don't know if this is the right place to ask this, but I need to go somewhere and I don't know where. My sister (22) has struggled with severe anorexia for about 5 years. She's been hospitalized, in and out of treatment centers, psychiatry offices and therapists. She nearly succumbed to her ED, but fortunately has made a ton of progress in her journey. She got diagnosed with gastroparesis a couple years ago. For the last 9 months she's been throwing up every day (involuntarily, not bulimia) and it's been getting worse and worse. It's now at the point she vomits 30x a day, and is on home IV's. She can't eat or drink anything and I know she can't live like this much longer. This just doesn't seem right, even with gastroparesis. Every time she goes to the ER, they discharge her without admitting her, won't run gastrointestinal tests, and just give her ineffective nausea meds and an IV, run some blood tests and send her home. She calls me crying saying she is in so much agony and can't go on much longer. She's too weak to get out of bed and has crippling headaches. She lives in a neighboring state and my mom and stepdad are driving out now to bring her home and try to get her better care in our home state, since she's on their insurance still. I want to be an advocate for her and know she needs to be admitted to a hospital, but I don't know how to get the hospital to cooperate. I'm desperate and inconsolable, but trying to be strong for her. At 34, I'm not prepared to lose my baby sister who wants to get healthy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dear community,
I tested positive for SIBO methane several months ago (Hydrogen was also present, but not above normal). I've always been a bit dubious about this result because my symptoms correspond in every way to IBS-D and not to the constipation usually associated with methane SIBO.
Anyway, after trying the herbal route (Allimax + Berberine) without much success, my doctor prescribed Rifaximin. So I did the standard two-week treatment. It went well, no too many side effects during the treatment. However, a week after I stopped taking the antibiotics, all my discomforts returned - gas (always worse at night), sulfur burps, rumbling, diarrhea - and this time, it's liquid diarrhea and there's food remaining in the stools. I didn't have THIS level of issue before. This has been going on for two weeks now, watery stools no matter what I eat (and my diet is actually pretty "healthy", I try to prioritize low-fodmap foods without restricting myself too much and don't eat processed foods nor junk). I am trying S Boulardii now without much effects. I feel like the antibiotics made things worse.
So, what are the solutions from now on ? I don't know what to think or where to go from there, everything seems pointless. Let me know if you've experienced or are experiencing a similar situation and what your suggestions are, I know you're not doctors but this community is still a great support!
Thank you all.

Being in healthcare, I knew that my life was going to change forever after being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (which I suspected I had before I was even diagnosed). I also knew that I could take steps to limit the disease progression and its side effects. I already ate healthy and exercised regularly before my official diagnosis but afterwards I focused even more on cutting out excessive simple sugars/high-starch/fatty foods, moving more often even when I wasn’t ‘officially’ exercising during my regimen (which I upped in intensity and duration), eating a more plant-based and low-carb diet, and drinking water regularly. I also made sure to take my medications and have regular checkups. All of this to say? I managed to get my disease down to clinical remission. My CRP and symptoms are essentially non-existent.
So I should be ‘free’, right?
But when I was binge-watching silly, YouTube videos (think mom-like homemaking content just because I wanted to broaden my horizons for cooking and housekeeping and it's one of my entertainment, guilty-pleasures), one of the creators mentioned something.
“I can’t get access to a lot of new or specific things because I live in the middle of nowhere and so I have to special order it.”
And that hit me like a TON of bricks.
While I may be able to financially move anywhere I want to in the future with my career in healthcare? Realistically speaking for my overall health? With this disease? Where I am able to go is limited and will likely be confined to areas with 1) large populations as those are where dedicated specialists tend to be most readily available and 2) at least 45 min. within range of a major metropolis with the most essential of services.
Because how will I get my meds quickly if I somehow run out/lose them unexpectedly? What if I need emergency services from a complication? How do I keep my diet as regimented as I can without spending an arm and a leg and hoping that I can find what I need and move about safely without having to wait for months for it to potentially be in stock? For exercise, what if I need special gym equipment and a trainer and need safe, paved roads to move around? Where can I be so that I’m not waiting up to a year for the single specialist in a rural area to see me? What if I need a home-aid or house cleaning ASAP if I have a flareup even in remission? Specialized delivery also is limited in distant areas too.
I used to dream of living semi-off-the-grid rural area (not completely but just isolated) but now? Realistically that’s likely not going to be the case. Not if I want to maintain a safe, accessible, and decent quality of life as the disease inevitably progresses while I get older.
All of this to say? I’m happy with my life, truly. I’m so glad I’m technically in remission and doing well overall. But knowing that these complications are always lurking in the background and are something I have to think about is frustrating. Obviously we adjust and adapt but it just makes me realize
To be honest, I’m not sure why I wrote this all out. I guess it’s just because… even if you’re doing well, there’s always reminders of how this disease will be a constant and impact your life in so many different ways. So probably just an emotional vent and also a commiseration amongst those that get it.
And if you stayed and read this entire essay, thank you. I appreciate being able to vent to a community that gets it. RA (and other chronic diseases) can be so invisible and overlooked since it’s so ‘common’ in women and often brushed off as ‘just arthritis’ when it’s so much more.

I've (28F) been in a secure, healthy and committed relationship for over a year now, which has been a huge change for me in a good way — feeling safe and connected. But lately I've been feeling a little frustrated that my boyfriend (29M) and I haven't done much together aside from hanging out at home or going out to eat. We're with each other a lot, but he's been working a side job and playing golf the last few weekends, and then comes over after to hang out. But sometimes I don't want to just hang out at home and want to go do things.
I mentioned that to him yesterday and asked if we could talk about after work. When he came over, he walked in without his stuff that he usually comes in with, and hugged me instead of kissing me. He eventually asked if I wanted to talk and then he acknowledged that what I said about us not doing things together is true.
He said he feels like he hasn't been giving me his 100%, and even though i make him happy and am supportive, he's having a hard time reflecting that. He eventually got into how unhappy with himself he's been feeling for a bit, how negatively he views everything and how much he doesn't want anything to do with his friends and stuff.
He DOES have a lot going on, with work and his parents' divorce, but i explained that being depressed doesn't mean you walk away from a relationship — that's when we support each other and that I go through it too. By the end of the conversation he said we're okay and he doesn't want me to talk or act any differently to him while he deals with this because I'm already doing the most I can.
During the conversation, i almost blacked out because i felt like i was back to reasoning with my avoidant ex not to give up on us. They are COMPLETELY different people and my boyfriend is much more open and emotionally available with me than my ex was, but the conversation on its own was so triggering that now I feel like I'm spiraling back to being anxious and am going to overthink everything and be on edge and afraid that he will walk away.

i graduated last year, and here is my advice to incoming freshman
freshman: take photos of everything. save the funny memories. you’re inevitably going to do something that you regret. move on, enjoy the time you have while you have it. it truly will be over before you know it. don’t drink too much. you will, but try to limit the amount you black out. you’ll end up feeling like shit and doing and saying things that you don’t want to. be yourself. people will love you if you are authentic. don’t be pressured to fit in to the stereotypical new england lifestyle, our differences are what make us human and beautiful. don’t overstay your welcome. don’t always be the last person at the party or the person constantly trying to push people into spending time with them (especially in relationships) try to eat well. the freshman 15 is real and takes a toll on your mental health. yes, holy cross is on a hill and you’ll probably lose 5 pounds from walking during the first month. but that will not last. this has nothing to do with how you look, but how you feel. make sure to incorporate movement in any way you can to keep yourself healthy. try a variety of classes so you KNOW what you want. don’t just stick to the major you think you want. don’t take anything too seriously, other than school. the things that you will regret not trying harder at will be your classes. social obligations are fun, but they’re even more fun when you’re not stressed about slipping behind during your classes. you can say no to things. there will always be another party. you have 4 years, you will not remember if you stayed in one night to study instead of going to white eagle. your GPA will remember the A you got on the test though. be kind. people get caught up in appearances and the highschool definition of what is “cool and popular”. people will ALWAYS remember you kindly if you are kind to others. don’t get a reputation for being a bitch. have fun, make memories, and go cross go.

Being in healthcare, I knew that my life was going to change forever after being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (which I suspected I had before I was even diagnosed). I also knew that I could take steps to limit the disease progression and its side effects. I already ate healthy and exercised regularly before my official diagnosis but afterwards I focused even more on cutting out excessive simple sugars/high-starch/fatty foods, moving more often even when I wasn’t ‘officially’ exercising during my regimen (which I upped in intensity and duration), eating a more plant-based and low-carb diet, and drinking water regularly. I also made sure to take my medications and have regular checkups. All of this to say? I managed to get my disease down to clinical remission. My CRP and symptoms are essentially non-existent.
So I should be ‘free’, right?
But when I was binge-watching silly, YouTube videos (think mom-like homemaking content just because I wanted to broaden my horizons for cooking and housekeeping and it's one of my entertainment, guilty-pleasures), one of the creators mentioned something.
“I can’t get access to a lot of new or specific things because I live in the middle of nowhere and so I have to special order it.”
And that hit me like a TON of bricks.
While I may be able to financially move anywhere I want to in the future with my career in healthcare? Realistically speaking for my overall health? With this disease? Where I am able to go is limited and will likely be confined to areas with 1) large populations as those are where dedicated specialists tend to be most readily available and 2) at least 45 min. within range of a major metropolis with the most essential of services.
Because how will I get my meds quickly if I somehow run out/lose them unexpectedly? What if I need emergency services from a complication? How do I keep my diet as regimented as I can without spending an arm and a leg and hoping that I can find what I need and move about safely without having to wait for months for it to potentially be in stock? For exercise, what if I need special gym equipment and a trainer and need safe, paved roads to move around? Where can I be so that I’m not waiting up to a year for the single specialist in a rural area to see me? What if I need a home-aid or house cleaning ASAP if I have a flareup even in remission? Specialized delivery also is limited in distant areas too.
I used to dream of living semi-off-the-grid rural area (not completely but just isolated) but now? Realistically that’s likely not going to be the case. Not if I want to maintain a safe, accessible, and decent quality of life as the disease inevitably progresses while I get older.
All of this to say? I’m happy with my life, truly. I’m so glad I’m technically in remission and doing well overall. But knowing that these complications are always lurking in the background and are something I have to think about is frustrating. Obviously we adjust and adapt but it just makes me realize
To be honest, I’m not sure why I wrote this all out. I guess it’s just because… even if you’re doing well, there’s always reminders of how this disease will be a constant and impact your life in so many different ways. So probably just an emotional vent and also a commiseration amongst those that get it.
And if you stayed and read this entire essay, thank you. I appreciate being able to vent to a community that gets it. RA can be so invisible and overlooked since it’s so ‘common’ in women and often brushed off as ‘just arthritis’ when it’s so much more.

Hello there! I've still not entirely recovered after finishing Rebirth, that ending was just whoa. I believe I've watched/read most of the theories out there regarding the game's finale and Aerith's fate, but none of them managed to explain everything sufficiently. I admit I'm in the "I hope Aerith lives" camp, but I understand the corner the developers wrote themselves into: Aerith fans and the japanese fanbase at large will riot if she dies for good, and purists will riot if one of the games' central themes (coping with loss, grieving) is broken. A textbook case of trying to have your cake and eat it too. Unless they find a way to do both?
Trying to get my mind off FF7, I replayed Zero Escape: Virtue's Last reward (seriously try it if you were more impressed than annoyed by FF7R's multiverse shenanigans, it's the real good stuff), and one of the puzzles caused a bit of a eureka moment to me. A secondary solution to a puzzle in one of the rooms is the sentence "SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING". It obviously hints at a character in the game and not FF7, but with the implications of the two games thus far in the remake continuity (plus AC), one character in Zero Escape bears a striking resemblance to Aerith: Akane Kurashiki (Big spoiler for the first game in ZE: 9 hours 9 persons 9 doors).
Both are capable of jumping between their selves in different timelines and have awareness of it. Akane is trying to prevent her own death by gathering information she needs to escape death via incineration, from other timelines and in the future. Would Aerith resign to her own fate even in command of such a power? Pre-chapter 13 it's heavily implied she wouldn't, why would discovering that she's basically omniscient change this?
Unless she has a plan cooking. She's being relentlessly hunted by someone who also has multiversal knowledge and could overpower and kill her any day of the week. She needs to throw Sephiroth off her trail somehow. If you played Persona 5, the situation might be familiar to you... (spoilers for Persona 5 follow)
In that game, the protagonist Joker and his fellow phantom thieves are being cornered by the detective Akechi, who at that point is a traitor amongst them. How do they get out of the situation? By failing an infiltration, Joker getting caught, the tricking Akechi into a cognitive version of the interrogation room he's being held in and letting him kill Joker there. Akechi is in the belief that he killed Joker in the real world.
This got me thinking: what if Aerith pulled a similar trick? Her situation is a bit more complicated, in that she knows Cloud is under Sephiroth's control, so she has to fool the party as well to fool Sephiroth. Her mournfulness in the Ch14 date could come from her impending doom - or the guilty conscience from what she has to put the party and especially Cloud through and that she may doom one of her alternate timeline selves to death.
As for the how, there are multiple possibilities, but the one I find most likely is that she swapped her consciousness with the comatose Aerith from Zack's world. As for when it happened, I believe it was at the moment when everyone was distracted by the smoke and mirrors - the moment Cloud deflected Sephiroth's blade. Whether this happened for real and created a timeline shift, one where Aerith lived and one where she was impaled, or just in Cloud's mind, it doesn't matter. It's the ultimate red herring. Cloud can have a revelation at some point in the 3rd game that she failed to save Aerith, he still won't know that the body Sephiroth stabbed didn't have Beagle!Aerith's soul in it, but Terrier!Aerith's comatose and possibly damaged soul. Such a last-second switch of a would-be-victim isn't the first time Square pulled this. It's what happened in Chrono trigger too! Remember what Marlene said about Terrier!Aerith to Zack? "When Aerith wakes up, she will be killed." Why does she wake up? Because she switched places with Beagle!Aerith!! Terrier!Aerith's body now contains Beagle!Aerith's soul, the one that prayed at the Forgotten Capital, the one that's whole, healthy and undamaged. Marlene was right, although the "multiple versions of Aerith" thing went over her head, understandably.
And if Cloud split the timeline again by deflecting Masamune, and can see both timelines? All the better. Where is the real black materia? Hidden in the void between worlds. Where Cloud's mind is right now. That may be why he finds the black materia in his pocket. That will draw Sephiroth's attention, lure him towards his OG plan of summoning Meteor, a threat Aerith can deal with once the party defeats Sephiroth at the northern crater.
As for who fights beside Cloud in Rebirth's final boss battle? I believe it's omni!Aerith, the one who gave premonitions of the future to her self in Remake, the one who visited Cloud in his dream in Remake chapter 14.
Why do I think this explanation could predict what happens in Part 3? Because this way, the writers can keep their cake until the very last minute, then eat it. The party and the player can go through coping with Aerith's "death", then have her return at the very last minute to appease those who yearn for her survival, at the climax of the game, when Sephiroth is weakened, on his last phase and Meteor needs to be stopped. This way, she can be kept out of the plot for the most part, and her presence, both story- and gameplaywise can be a postgame reward. Not to mention the mindblowing revelation of her complex plot at the end.
Anyway, that's just my theory, I needed to write it out of me. 2027(?) can't come soon enough.

I’m looking for someone to support each other in achieving our goals - in my case getting healthy physical and mind, sticking to working out, eating healthy. Also would be great to make plans with, go for walks, talk, have fun, be able to open up. If you live in Norway better, if not, Europe is ok!
I moved to Oslo six months ago, lately it feels like life is on stand by, and i really want to enjoy and experience as much as i can!
About me, I don’t drink or smoke or go party really. I like sunsets and clouds, writing, music, going to concerts, cute stuff in general, games (board games and videogames, even though havent played much of the first ones). We can always play chess (im not good but like it) I also like to ask questions and listen. I value loyalty and honesty.
I like to have deep conversations, i like to feel safe, like i can be myself and laugh a lot!
I am also trying to learn Norwegian so if i could practice with you that would be great!

Hey guys! I have a question.
When I got the Gestroi Boys, I repurposed an enclosure I had used for a Powder Blue culture that I THOUGHT hadn’t made it. I changed things out, looked through the substrate, all new decor. Not a single sign of any Powder Blues- which is why I decided to order the Gestroi.
However. I just took a peek to see how the fellas are doing… And I can see TWO Powder Blues just. Chilling on the bark with the Gestroi. Not a care in the world.
I provide plenty of leaf litter and food, there’s ample space and I can and will upgrade as needed. But does anyone have any advice?? I really thought all the Powder Blues were gone- I clearly didn’t look close enough. Everyone looks very happy and healthy- the Gestroi are super active, especially at night. They eat everything I give them, and they’re all growing.

39 F, SW 216 CW 212 GW 140
Week one down, minimal side effects, just some mild headaches and feeling tired.
I’ve upped my water intake to combat the headaches.
Feeling great, really happy with a 4lb weight loss. Have been eating around 1400 cals a day, upped my protein intake and have started doing some kettlebell workouts.
I’ve been in the grips of a major sugar addiction for the past few years (I went sober 4 years ago and sugar replaced the booze).
I haven’t even thought about buying sweets or chocolate this past week which is a miracle.
Just had a smoothie for my lunch and felt so happy to be able to eat the healthy food I always intend to eat but end up bingeing on junk instead.
So all in all feeling hopefully and amazed that this is already working!

Unable to progress… venting here a bit.
35W CW145lbs GW137lbs here. I have been gaining about a pound every month the past year and a half despite having a fairly healthy lifestyle and being in a calorie deficit. Even if I’m close to my goal weight, I’m still very bloated and have to change my wardrobe. I’ve been reading a lot about perimenopause and hormones and watching those cortisole-guru on apps but still nothing works for me. It doesn’t matter what I eat or how much exercise I do. The extra pound is just around the corner. My daily calorie intake is about 1800 a day and I try to burn 2200 on average. I run about 5k 3x per week, ride 50k 2x per week and hit about 7 steps everyday.
Any advice on what I should do differently?

My daughter turns 3 in a few weeks and she is a BIG girl. She is currently getting assessed for autism which is a huge reason I as her mother is overweight (but I am finally on a sustainable weight loss path).
She is a typical picky eater. For breakfast she gets some go squeeze pouches (one yogurt, one applesauce). Sometimes she gets a chocolate donut which she eats the top off of and leaves the rest lol.
For lunch she gets a sun butter and jelly sandwich with fruit, some sort of chips like cheese it's or Cheetos (not much, enough to fit in her bentgo).
For dinner she will eat what we're having or have Mac and cheese, Dino nuggets, a hot dog (no bun), or baked beans. For snacks she enjoys fruit. We are still trying to get her on the vegetable train. She gets 1 Capri sun a day.
For a sweet treat she enjoys a small otter pop (36 calories).
She is pretty active and enjoys jumping on our bed, chasing us around in the house. Admittedly, it's too hot to comfortably play outside right now and she attracts mosquitoes like crazy.
I want her to be healthy but I don't want her getting the mental health issues I've experienced. She experiences extreme rigidity that can lead to horrid meltdowns.
Please be kind. I'm doing my best. I'm worried but I'm trying to do it right.

When I was pregnant my plan was to exclusively breastfeed my baby girl. After she was born, we really struggled with feeding the first day because she was chomping on my nipples. They were really bloody, painful, chapped. Towards the end of the day I eventually asked my doula to grab some formula and bottles because baby girl needed to eat and I couldn’t supply what she needed in that condition.
The lactation consultant at the hospital was no help either, she was in the room for five minutes and just gave me some pamphlets and left. The nurses were super helpful in getting her to latch but unfortunately they weren’t coming home with us to help me every time.
I began pumping as soon as we got home and more so once my milk supply came in. Baby girl still wouldn’t latch so she was having formula and bottled breastmilk. I was constantly beating myself up over this thinking something was wrong with me that I couldn’t feed my baby. I really wanted her to be breastfed. My doula referred us to a lactation consultant in our area who helped us with a lot. She was able to have baby latch with a nipple shield and she told me there isn’t anything anatomically wrong with me, which was a weight taken off my shoulders, but that baby girl was lacking the reflexes that babies are born with in order to produce a wide latch. She also found a tongue tie that our pediatrician missed. So we had to do different mouth exercises and tongue exercises and ultimately were referred to a pediatric dentist for a laser frenectomy.
Fast forward to now baby girl is 4 months old. Still won’t latch, even with the shield she just screams and gets so upset. I want to give up. I’ve accepted and come to terms with being a lost cause for this and that it probably won’t happen. I feel like I don’t have time to keep trying. I don’t produce enough, I don’t drink enough water, I’m not eating enough to feed my milk supply I feel like I don’t have time to eat these days, my nipples are chapped and discolored from pumping, my baby doesn’t see me and think “mom boobies milk” instead she recognizes the bottle and reaches for it and smiles at it and while it’s cute a part of me breaks. I never got to experience the bonding that comes with breastfeeding, the comfort for baby, the exchange of enzymes in her saliva that tells my body what she needs if she’s sick.
You know, my entire life I’ve always felt I was born into the wrong generation but let me tell you, I have never been more grateful to be born into this generation. I’ve been lucky enough to use several different kinds of pumps over the last four months to feed my baby. I never wanted her to be a formula baby (yes I was that mom) but I am beyond thankful to have a formula that’s right for my baby (plus, you can’t tell by looking at someone if they had formula or breastmilk and my girl is perfectly healthy and growing. A story for another time. Fed is best) Way back when, if you couldn’t feed your baby it would die or someone else would have to feed them. This is what I think about when I’m pumping every single time. How I can’t feed my baby because she couldn’t latch to me. It’s agonizing and consuming.
It is such a biological and primal urge to want to feed your baby, and I simply can’t. It’s wearing me down so much emotionally, I want to stop pumping all together but I don’t know how. I need someone, some mom out there who gets it, to tell me it’s ok to be done :(

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/themachucajr posting in Marriage
Ongoing as per OOP
1 updates - Long
Original - 7th May 2024
Update - 15th May 2024
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My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic “companionship”
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My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages.
However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didn’t talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that.
We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didn’t have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex.
This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this.
I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home.
I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household.
In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something she’s interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant.
We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each other’s things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesn’t sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it.
tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesn’t know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesn’t know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice.
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Comments
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Warthog__
From your comment history it looks like you are Swingers? If so, I would think that would be relevant information to consider.

OOP: We did some swinging in the past. That was fun for some time. We mutually decided to stop doing it and we have established it’s not the case. When we were swinging however, our marriage seemed to be in a good place. This IS something we did disclose with our couple therapist and made sure to include it to make sure we’re not neglecting an obvious potential issue.
I will say, I did ask my wife if what she experienced during swinging is something that is affecting her view on our relationship and she said it wasn’t. Our swinging experience was always together and it was very sex driven. Nothing really emotional or “poly”. Truth is, I have to believe her at her word. I have no reason to distrust her. To date, she’s always been very forward and never afraid of dealing things head on. No matter how painful.

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failedopportunities
It’s an obvious potential issue bro… wether it be she’s enjoying herself a side piece and wants nothing to do with you in that manner anymore. Or, she just went along with you on the swinging and never wanted to do it in the first place. Hence brings resentment. Regardless, should have been included in the initial post.

OOP: Swinging was her idea. Not mine. But I suppose I should have included it but I honestly believe her on it not being an issue. I don’t have any reason to distrust her. Maybe it’s something she has to accept with her therapist or our couples therapist. Can’t really approach that with a solution if she doesn’t think it was a problem. IDK

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BigIronBruce

She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic.

That's only a marriage if you both agree it is. You're hoping she's going to wake up one day and feel different but she's basically said that's not going to happen and doesn't want to figure out why she feels that way. It seems like you tried several different ways to get to the bottom of it and she's either deflected or is being honest that she's not in love with you.

Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when she’s intoxicated?

I wouldn't do this, either, if that makes you feel better.
Will she be your best friend if you live elsewhere and have a relationship with somebody in love you. Probably not. Which makes the whole "best friend" speech feel like self-deception on her part.
I won't lie, if it were me, I'd get a divorce. She doesn't seem willing to do the work to fix the marriage and you can't fix it alone. She might promise to fix it or beg you not to but you need to follow your gut as to whether she actually can or will fix it. She's serious that she wants you to stick around but not necessarily as her husband.
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OOP: A very hard truth to accept here. Thank you

Interesting-Tip-4850

"I’m ensure I do everything possible to mend our marriage to ensure my own peace of mind and excite knowing I did everything I could."

you may still concider 180 method, to protect yourself and perhaps in the same time the reality that the ship is leaving may start to change your wifes perspective. If that doesnt what else would.

OOP: Can you elaborate on the “180 Method”?

Interesting-Tip-4850
Basically withold from any unnecesary interactions and affection. This is from an infidelity forum, but principles are the same https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/

OOP: I bookmarked this. I’m heavily considering this.

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Update - 8 days later
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I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation.
One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives.
We experience severe poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids.
I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships.
For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree.
At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually.
Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post).
I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page.
I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging.
I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship.
I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome.
Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional.
Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it."
She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues.
We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself.
I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course.
We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less."
This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own.
I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen.
I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign.
Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done. We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better.
Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all the best.
TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples.
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Comments
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Complete-Old-1960
Bottom line and not to be brutal, but there is one thing you don't have infinite amount of, is TIME. This has to be resolved in a timely manner. It takes 2 to be in love and to be loved, and u only have ½ of the equation. You need to put a time limit on you being the good guy and think of you and your future. Look hope it works out for you, but listening to what you are going through and what you could be in for you can still be a good father but also be a great husband to another wife if you find that special person again.

OOP: Definitely. I think this “soft ultimatum” (180 method) has been very eye opening. I’m definitely hoping for a rekindling of our marriage but I’m also bracing for divorce. I agree on a timeline and I’ve decided on a timeline for myself privately. I don’t want to give her a timeline because I want to reduce the pressure, however, after 1-2 yrs of things don’t improve, it won’t be shocking or a surprise if we split. I think 1-2yrs is more than reasonable.

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shes_a_killer
I have to agree with this, simply because at some point, the person who has gone 180 and is waiting for the other person to decide will begin to wonder, "Wow, they're really taking their time coming around to me...did they love me at all? If they ever appreciated and cared for me, why would they keep me waiting and neglecting me for so long?" Except, in my case, it had more to do with the other person being stubborn and unable to admit their faults.

OOP: I understand what you mean. I don’t think I’ll ever doubt she loved me at all. I’m certain she did and I’m certain she still does. I know it sounds crazy and I’m not at all infatuated or blinded by love. Love is far more than the intimacy and sex we’re lacking.

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RandyPan_theGoatBoy
I think it’s interesting that in the comments of your original post you said you didn’t think she was taking you for granted but you came to realize she absolutely was. Can you give some more details on what the 180 method is?

OOP: Yeah, I definitely felt this way. But with this 180 method it’s happening right in front of my eyes. Actual actions and reactions taking place that clearly demonstrate that she is taking me for granted. She actually see this as well. It’s evident she’s thinking about this heavily based on her demeanor and her behavior.
Here’s what I used as a guide:
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Hey friends,
Today, I want to share a story with you that might seem small at first, but it carries a powerful message about how we handle life's little disappointments and turn them into opportunities for growth and resilience.
So, picture this: It's a beautiful sunny morning, and I'm feeling super pumped about tackling my to-do list. I decide to start my day with a trip to the grocery store because, you know, eating healthy is a huge priority for me. I head straight to the produce section, and there they are—gorgeous, vibrant fruits just waiting to be chosen. I carefully pick out the juiciest strawberries, the ripest peaches, and the most beautiful blueberries. I’m envisioning all the delicious smoothies, fruit salads, and snack plates these fruits will create.
Fast forward to me back at home, ready to whip up a fresh fruit bowl. I start unpacking my grocery haul, and that’s when it happens. I notice something off. Some of the strawberries have mold on them. The peaches are bruised, and a few of the blueberries are squished beyond recognition. My initial reaction is one of frustration. I mean, seriously? I took the time to carefully select each piece, and now I’m left with this?
For a moment, I felt a wave of disappointment wash over me. It would have been so easy to just let it ruin my morning. But then I remembered something crucial: it’s not the situation itself, but how we react to it that defines our day.
I decided to pivot. Instead of dwelling on the fruit that went bad, I chose to focus on the fruit that was still good. I cut away the bruised parts, tossed the moldy pieces, and made the best of what I had left. And you know what? That fruit bowl turned out pretty amazing. It wasn’t exactly what I had planned, but it was still a delicious, nutritious start to my day.
Here's the thing, friends: Life is a lot like that grocery store trip. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, things don’t turn out the way we planned. We can choose to focus on what went wrong and let it sour our whole day, or we can adapt, adjust, and make the best of what we have. It’s about shifting our mindset from “Why is this happening to me?” to “How can I make this work for me?”
I want you to remember this story the next time you face a setback, big or small. Maybe it’s a project at work that doesn’t go as planned, a relationship that hits a rough patch, or even just a bad day. Don’t let the moldy strawberries of life keep you down. Instead, look at what you can salvage, what you can learn, and how you can grow from the experience.
You are stronger than you think, and you can handle more than you realize. Life will always throw curveballs, but you have the power to decide how you’ll hit them. Every challenge is an opportunity to prove to yourself just how resilient and resourceful you are.
So, the next time you encounter a little disappointment, remember to pivot, persevere, and push through. You’ve got this! Let’s go out there and tackle today with grace, grit, and gratitude.
With all my love and belief in you,
Rachel

This may be structured a bit weird but bear with me. I’m not sure if this is the right forum but if you have any advice please let me know!
So I (22F) live with my parents and my two siblings (20F and 10M). Since December my Mum (52F) has been constantly ill - bad psoriasis, chest and sinus infections, stomach issues. The doctor has cleared her for anything nasty, and my Dad (54F) and I suspect it’s because of her weight and general health. She’s avoided the doctor this long I think because she’s scared that the topic of her weight will come up, and I know it’s something she’s been insecure about since her thirties. She cried last night after the doctor told her she was borderline diabetic and had high blood pressure and needed another appointment to discuss he next steps. I’m worried she’ll avoid the bigger problem or try and paper over it with a fad diet as usual and get “healthy” for a few weeks so her blood tests show normal, then go back to ignoring it to avoid her health issues.
Obesity and diabetes (type 2 on both sides) run in my family, and my Mum is now bordering both those things according to her recent blood tests. We have a fairly healthy diet and only eat fast food once a month (fish and chips UK classic lol). The main thing that’s lead her to this condition is portion control (my Mum’s the main cook Mon-Thurs and it’s almost double portions on those days, then me and my Dad share the other as we work later hours during the week), mindless eating during the day, and not moving. And I mean that almost literally. She’s a stay-at-home wife, and her only movement is moving around the shops twice a week and walking from the car to my brother’s school. Other than that, she’ll sit on her phone for hours or in the garden and not move until it’s time to cook dinner on her days or do school run. Lately she’s not even been doing that as she’s been so poorly. I want to get her to start moving more once her chest infection has gone.
My Dad has tried to help, but being overweight himself he adopts a mentality of self hatred and constantly complaining to try and guilt himself into losing weight. He’s essentially suggested restriction with food, which I think is the wrist thing he could have suggested. I had a secret eating disorder for years and I think my mum has bingeing tendencies, so cold Turkey is not the way forward.
Any advice from people who had to have these conversations with a relative? Or if you were my Mum in that situation, what did you need to hear? What small changes did you make that helped you maintain your journey and help you understand the importance of being healthier. Without hurting her feelings preferably, though she’s so worked up I’m not sure how to go about it now. Thanks

I've always gotten mixed signals online about dried lentils! Pubmed says that out of something like 256 bags, they found two grains of wheat and for Celiacs to sort and rinse thoroughly and to make them a healthy part of our diet. Then you read on some more and it says they may not be safe for "some"... while other sites like Very well health say they're not safe for super sensitive ppl but most can eat them. Then you've got the most shit answer ever, that "lentils are naturally gluten free".
I've avoided them for 6+ (however long it's been) years but I'd like to know!! Are y'all eating lentils?! Can I eat them or not?
Thank you!!
🤍🥀🤍

I'm 19, weigh 88kg, and am on the skinny side (but not too skinny, just a standard physique).
My current workout schedule/routine/diet is as follows:
Mon - Wed - Fri:
x4S x12R overhear press (dumbbells)
x4S x10R lateral side raises
x4S x12R bicep curls (dumbbells)
x3S x12R standard push-ups
Tue - Thu:
I try to get in a 2km run (only just started running, and shin splints are my worst enemy right now) at least 2 days a week as I'm trying to get a leaner physique and have heard including cardio is good for this?
As for my diet, I eat quite healthy. I have oats every morning with a banana and apple. Lunches are usually tuna pasta or chicken and rice. Dinners are whatever the mothefather cooks up. And then I usually snack on nuts or other fruit throughout the day. I think I need to add more protein in here somewhere, so I was thinking of getting protein powder and including it in my breakfast with the oats perhaps?
I'd really appreciate if you have any tips for a newbie. All the best

Hi everybody!
I never rode a bicycle until I found GCN. Now my cardio has gone through the roof. I've been lifting weights for 10 years, so I have a really balanced and strong physique, but I feel the bike was what was missing to boost my health. My question is: I'm taking the intense GCN workouts seriously, like VO2 max 30-minute sessions, HIIT 30-minute sessions, and 1-hour VO2 sessions. Here's what I do:
I use my MATRIX gym bike with resistance and follow the GCN instructions. For example:
They tell me to go at 1 effort level, or 10, or 7, and a specific RPM. On the first day, I followed those instructions exactly. The next day, when they said go to 1 effort level, I raised it to 2, and the same with 10 (I raised it to 11) and so on. Now, in the 30-minute HIIT workout, I follow the same RPM but use 8 levels over what they say. If they say go to 10 effort level, I set the bike to 18 resistance, and I do that with every level they tell me.
I really feel this is boosting my health, cardio, endurance, resistance, etc. I feel the work getting done.
I want to know if you think this is a good way of doing it. I'm really getting addicted to it. I eat really healthy, still lift weights, and sleep 7-8 hours a day. I take electrolytes before biking as well. I'm 27 years old.
Please, I want to keep improving my biking as much as possible, and since I'm a newbie, I would love to have some of your guidance.
Thank you, guys!

I'm 19, weigh 88kg, and am on the skinny side (but not too skinny, just a standard physique).
My current workout schedule/routine/diet is as follows:
Mon - Wed - Fri:
x4S x12R overhear press (dumbbells)
x4S x10R lateral side raises
x4S x12R bicep curls (dumbbells)
x3S x12R standard push-ups
Tue - Thu:
I try to get in a 2km run (only just started running, and shin splints are my worst enemy right now) at least 2 days a week as I'm trying to get a leaner physique and have heard including cardio is good for this?
As for my diet, I eat quite healthy. I have oats every morning with a banana and apple. Lunches are usually tuna pasta or chicken and rice. Dinners are whatever the mothefather cooks up. And then I usually snack on nuts or other fruit throughout the day. I think I need to add more protein in here somewhere, so I was thinking of getting protein powder and including it in my breakfast with the oats perhaps?
I'd really appreciate if you have any tips for a newbie. All the best