Pain in abdomen and back no period

I see him as someone has a clear avoidant attachment style and therefore struggles with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. I think his dismissiveness is deliberate to keep people away. He is similar to Samantha in that regard. Avoidance is rooted in the lack of trust in people, they don’t believe that anyone will be there for them so the only person can rely on is yourself.
He likes, Carrie's boldness and her vibrant nature it’s such a contrast to his more reserved and introverted self. she demanded emotional intimacy and commitment way too soon which triggered him so bad LOL.
Avoidents dislike getting emotionally attached to people ,they pride themselves on being able to walk away from emotionally charged situations. Usually they are also very successful professionally their lack of investment interpersonal relationships allows them to put their energy in their work and hobbies.
However, he missed her presence and energy in his life and the chemistry that they shared. When they get back together for the second time, his avoidant tendencies become even more evident because of how automatic they are the not signing of the card ,the answering the phone when Carrie was reciting her poem at the wedding. I don’t think it’s malicious or done in a bad intention or to deliberately hurt her. It’s just that this is what he is used to and this is what he has always prioritised. It’s almost like he’s on auto pilot. It happens without any real,deliberate thought.
Avoidant people built their entire lives around the goal of not needing anybody especially on an emotional level so they do realise that they are no longer emotionally independent from people they panic.
Carrie was right about the motivation behind him creating distance between them. He’s freaking out because he is starting to "catch feelings" he never wanted to “factor people into his life.“The process of independent decision-making is automatic. this is why I believe he says “old habits die hard“ I don’t think he realises that what’s motivating his actions is his desire to keep people away.
He may have been relationships ,he was even married, but I don’t think that any of them have ever asked him for a true partnership.
Both Barbara and Natasha seemed very independent themselves and didn’t seem like the type who would mind if he suddenly announced that he was leaving the country for an extended period of time. In other words they were not interested in building any kind of emotional intimacy with him which is exactly what he wanted at least subconsciously because I don’t think that he was particularly aware of his tendencies prior to marrying Natasha.
As to why he would marry anyone in the first place I think he is the type to confuse the infatuation phase with real love but starts freaking out when real intimacy becomes a part of the equation. The same thing repeats itself and we see him missing the realness of what he had with Carrie. She was , feisty and full of life , interesting ,genuinely cared about him ,asked interesting questions and valued his opinion made him laugh and have fun.
They bumped into each other on the boat and she said that her new boyfriend was perfect I think he definitely understood the implication and what that meant, he (Aiden) was perfect(unlike you)
I think this was the moment it hit him. How difficult emotional intimacy is for him. He is a guy who wouldn’t sign a card with her he’s a guy who can’t even keep her stuff at his place. He’s the guy who can’t look her in the eye and say I love you because it’s too scary.
I think it’s safe to say that if the prospect of giving and receiving unconditional love scares you you are bound to feel like you are “fucked up“ it’s important to note that this is the first time she has seen him acting like an emotionally distressed mess, of course avoidant do not want anyone to see that part of them so it was too much for him and he had to hide which is why he shuts down again when she calls him after his visit to the furniture fair.
When he calls her at the hotel, he’s drinking, which just seems to be the only way he can stand expressing any kind of vulnerability, and he says that when she did not respond to what he said about leaving he got scared (note: the elevator scene is the only time in the series where he tells her he loves her to face) followed by another episode of emotional retreat.
After the affair ends,he paints his wall bright red which is the direct opposite of beige interestingly enough it’s only one wall in the most private part of a home (the bedroom) he wanted the fiery red back in his life.
I think that way it’s compatible to the scene in season two where she finds a picture of them in his drawer. He’s not ready yet to have signs of her in his life be so visible but she is there in the most private and hidden part of himself.
The meet up for lunch is another pivotal moment he asks her to stay after they fell into the pond, but she tells him that they are like that wall a bad idea. clearly telling him that she is not interested in "starting up with him again."
The "moon river"episode is his the most blatant example of his fear of intimacy and how much he hates "factoring people in his life"
Leaving New York without telling her (or anyone for that matter) is demonstration of his unhealthy levels of self reliance and independence.
Sharing the two very emotionally intimate nights with her was, again too much for him so he couldn’t even face her and left early , leaving the record behind him there would have been too much vulnerability in giving her such a personal gift face-to-face. when avoidant people are emotionally overwhelmed, the only thing they want to do is withdraw to an emotionally safer place.
Reading about the relationship in print helped him see her perspective. much better Carrie was often very emotional when she expressed her frustrations with him which triggered the urge to withdraw and shut down. this is how avoidant people deal with conflict when they feel uncomfortable especially emotionally they shut down.
The role reversal when he went to her book event was hilarious lol Now he was the one who was anxious and she was the one that was acting avoidant.
I imagine that he sat down with himself a bit after reading the book and decided to Try to talk to her and listen to what she had to say without shutting down.
My theory is that he went there because he wanted to hear her rent the way she rented at him before she went to Paris , he prepared himself emotionally for her to say that he was the worst that he has hurt her so much, when that didn’t happen, he withdrew again and his Mr. Big mask was once more firmly in place.
When she learns that he is about to have heart surgery and she completely loses it and starts crying. Similar to Samantha he dislikes when people demonstrate affection for him he may know that the appropriate response would be to comfort her and tell her that everything is going to be okay but that would require him to open up and that’s what neither he and nor Samantha could stand.
So both of them essentially tell people to not cry (I feel so bad for Carrie two of the most important people in her life are avoidants who won’t let her express any love for them.)
So we see him try to deflect everything with jokes because her emotional reaction is evidence of her love for him and a reminder of how “fucked up“ he is due to his inability to respond to it like a normal person.
The unhealthy level of self reliance shows up once again when he checks himself out of the hospital, even though he’s just had an operation and might be in need of care.
Lucky for him Ms Bradshaw is stubborn and doesn’t care that he does not want to be seen or taken care of (Smith does the same for Samantha)
After another very emotionally intimate time, we see the shutdown operation as it’s happening we see that it’s automatic an auto pilot reaction to expressing vulnerability.
He even says “ Look, I know I freaked out about us

• the last time I was here and I wanted to.. “ and “ You were amazing to me and I just.. “ he can barely get the words out.

If you look at the “you and I NOTHING “ scene from his perspective, she is not only saying that she’s done with him, but it also means that he is finally free of her and her constant demand for emotional intimacy and * the real thing.*
No more drunken night visits , no more questions in the middle of the night no more nights out on the town NOTHING! He can do whatever he wants ,date models , actresses or any other woman who is safer than Carrie and would never ask for anything real from him,he can go back to Napa and “ watch grapes shrivel“.
She is letting him know that he can keep his heart closed forever because she will no longer be knocking on its door.
She is right he could’ve done all of those things and he would’ve had a much quieter and more comfortable life.
Carrie Bradshaw is a headache, she will challenge him, continue to ask him to open up and give more and more of himself to her and if she doesn’t get what she wants, he will end up with a black eye or a big Mac thrown at his face 😂 life with her will be nuts but life without her is boring and beige.
He knows that if he wants to keep her in his life he has to give her the real deal he has to take off the Mr Big armour. Only when that happened did she introduce us to John.
As for the reason why he is like this, I have a few theories

1. He fell in love when he was younger, maybe in his 20s and got his heartbroken so he swore to never let anyone in again.
2. He is a man of his generation and class raised with certain expectations in both his professional and personal life and harmful mindsets things like" boys/Men don’t cry" to this day men of shamed for expressing vulnerability. I imagine it was much worse for a man of his generation . He totally looks like a man who hasn’t cried since he was 10 years old at least not in front of anybody. he looks like the type of person who was never taught that it’s OK to ask for help and depend on others. He’s the type of man who would feel like a failure if he fell apart or expressed any kind of emotional need.

Even if he is self-made, the same principles apply you need to be seen in a certain way in order to be taken seriously in the business world.
I highly doubt his business partners know that enjoys more low-key stuff like cooking and listening to old Vinyl records.
There are lots of people who are terrified of letting anyone in ,letting anyone *reach them* and these people unfortunately end up hurting the people that try to get close to them. They are usually the villains in their own love stories.
TLDR.
Mr Big has an avoidant attachment style and all of the baggage and mess that comes with it.

My reasons for my suicidal thoughts arnt dramatic anymore. They were when I didn't really wanna kill myself and just emotionally tortured.
After 26 years of life of nothing but isolation hell and health issues cause I never went outside cause I knew nobody would want me I'm just unlucky I just have nothing but suffering.
Forget the emotional pain. Everything is physically painful and there's always health issues. It's exhausting to walk. I'm not sitting here and watching Lucky people born to be healthy, attractive and loved when I'm clearly just meant to die.
I would be sparing myself and everyone. I'm keeping myself alive to suffer to struggle breathing to be feel like there's a million things I have to do and can't. To know for sure after decades of life no one wants anything to do with me.
I could feed myself the crap that the stuff that really matters is your personality but that never worked. This is just life. Some got lucky. Some didn't.
There's big talk that your life is what you make it but the truth is the universe is massive and doesn't care about you. You're just gonna get what you get and be stuck in it and if you're lucky you're gonna get a life with at least some room for to grow in
But if you're not then you're already dead and you're keeping yourself alive with whatever addiction you have to make it bareable and to just suffer.
No one cares the universe has trillions of creatures and billions of people. Some will turn out broken then they just die and go back to nature. They're not meant to be saved. Fair doesn't mean anything. This is just numbers and that's how your life played out.
If it wasn't for my addictions I would've already been so lonely and tortured that my body would give in and die already.
I used to come here on reddit when I was young screaming why don't people care that im in pain. It's cause fair doesn't mean anything. Just cause I tried so hard to be kind and have the best personality, a damaged person is a damaged person. You were never loved. You look like hell. Your body is messed up. You ruining people's day by existing near them.
I'm just not meant to be here and it's evil how I'm keeping myself alive. I'm just someone who's so unlucky that luck is the entire equation for me.
I feel anti climactic and weirdly peaceful like yea cool I'm gonna find a mountain and take pills and sleep forever like how it was before I was born. Like I'm not sad cause I get it now.
This stuff is not for me. All of this. Earth, people and everything. It was never made for me to thrive in and enjoy. Im not one of them. And when I spent 26 years torturing myself in delusion telling myself yea i belong I couldn't sleep cause I was stiff cause I just wanna scream and cry because I was telling myself one thing and enduring another.
Now as I type this I just feel this peace like the weight of pretending I belong here is gone. My body is done fighting for survival torturing me in the process. I feel this relief of the emotional torture of feeling like I'm not good enough cause now I don't care that I'm not good enough because I get it now I'm not meant to be.

In March 2023 I was backed into a corner and had to purchase a 2015 Buick Encore from a buy here, pay here lot. Of course there was no warranty, everything is "as is". I could not afford to go to a 'real' dealership at the time.
Almost immediately I noticed oil leaks. Took the car back to the lot, they 'fixed' it as well as several valve issues with the turbo (check engine light came on a few times and that was always the code it was throwing). I took it back to them 4-5 times within a 6 week period and it was always fixed 🙄. I did get the car checked by an independent mechanic about a month after purchasing the car, who stated the turbo needed to be replaced as well as some other things to stop the oil leak. I was quoted approx $4k for the repairs but he was unable to get the turbo at the time. Stated it was at least an 8 month wait. So not having 4k I was careful with the car, checked oil levels regularly, didn't go on long drives etc while I saved my pennies.
About 4 weeks ago I took the car to a different shop closer to my home. They were able to make the repairs for around $2200. Less than 2 weeks later telhe check engine light was back on with another valve issue. The car is back in the shop that just repaired it.
I want out from under this thing. I hate this car, I have since the day I test drove it. I did not want it then, I do not want it now. It is my only personal vehicle at this point though. It has been a headache since day one.
What are my options?

“Are you really that afraid of the basement?” My boyfriend was busy putting on his blue buttoned shirt as he asked me casually. I glared back at him. “You’re seriously going to bring this up now? I’m busy getting ready for dinner” I said grumpily, pulling on my bra. He shrugged apologetically, “Look, I’m sorry okay, I just want to know why, especially if it’s such a big issue. We can talk about it whenever you want. But I would really like to talk about it eventually.” His tone was calm and filled with sincere concern. I sighed. Timothy had been so great. We’d been living together for over a year now and he’d been very patient with me and my phobia of dark places. I don’t just mean I’m afraid of the dark, I mean I go into full on panic attack mode and start tearing the walls apart with my bare hands and finger nails and teeth if it gets even close to dark in any room I’m in. It makes going out at night or doing anything normal like going to the cinema, or planetarium or club or bar very difficult. I also cannot enter a bathroom that has no natural light and nothing but motion-sensor based lights. If they go out for just a second my heart races, my blood boils from fear and my lungs burn from panic. I scream and run, crying usually until I’m back in the light.
I slowly sat on the edge of our bed “Okay Tim, I’ll tell you why. Right now actually if you’d like. I’d rather just spit it out. We have a few minutes and it’s not a very long story anyway”. Timothy quickly pulled on his last sock and came over to sit next to me. I looked at him and then looked back down at the bed. “I’ve – I’ve never told this to anyone. But the reason I’m so afraid of the dark. Of being alone. Is because of what happened to me in the basement when I was ten years old.” I paused and Tim took my hand. His fingers were rough and warm. “I’d never had issues with the dark or the basement or anything like that ever before. One day my mom asked to go down and fetch the laundry from the dryer. So, I’ve been down in the basement of this house a billion times and I think nothing of this at all. The door creaked loudly just like normal as I opened it. I lazily walked down the steps and was busy messing around with my new Walkman when I suddenly heard the door slam behind me. I was plunged into darkness and I thought I’d gone blind.
I groped in the darkness for the light-switch and heard it click as the lightbulb buzzed to life noisily. The basement was not large and was nothing but bare concrete. We used it to store some old furniture and photo albums. Of course we kept our laundry down there too. A bit spooked by the door slamming, I decided to get the chore over with as fast as possible. However, as I my foot left the last step and touched the cold concrete floor the lightbulb glowed brightly and burst. I was plunged into darkness yet again. I breathed heavily and moved in the direction of the laundry. I waved my hands in front of my face but could see nothing. I knew that there was a flashlight in the drawer of the desk next to the dryer. I took a few tentative steps expecting any minute to feel bright pain explode threw my hip as I bumped into the desk. But I never did. So, I started taking bigger steps. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I realized that something was horribly wrong. I should’ve been on the other side of the room by then. A few steps after that I should’ve been on the other side of the wall! Before I knew it I was running. Sprinting! Hoping to be lucky enough to slam hard into the wall. To prove this nightmare a fake. But the wall never came. I ran through cold darkness. Then I heard a voice. A soft whisper at first. Then it became louder. It was the voice of a man. There was nothing abnormal about his voice at all. But it gave me goosebumps. He – he warned me never to return to the dark. He warned me never to tell another living soul about where I had been. I shook. Trembling with fear and incredulity. How could this be possible? Where was I? Suddenly, light sprung to life in front of me. I yelped and shielded my eyes because it was very bright and I suddenly felt really cramped like the room had just shrunk. Then strong hands were grabbing me and lifting me and I found myself being pulled from a well. We still have no idea how but some men had heard a noise and once they’d seen me they rescued me immediately. They found me in a well that was hundreds of miles from my house. From that damn basement.”
I paused briefly as I rubbed my temples with the tips of my fingers, “I had to go to therapy and no one could ever explain anything. Like I said before, I never mentioned what really happened to anyone. I didn’t know whether I was more afraid of people thinking I was crazy or if I was really more afraid of that – voice. All I said was that I blacked out on my way down the stairs. Ended up being in all the papers and my family and I had to move to a whole new town. After that it was just kind of swept under the rug and people stopped asking questions. My parents never bring it up. They pretend it didn’t happen. I like to do that too. So now that I’ve told you I don’t want to hear another word about it. And if you tease me or prank me, so help me God I’ll dump your ass.” I was trying to make a joke to help break the tension but I could feel myself shaking as I recounted the story. It had been some time since I’d thought about that traumatizing day. I felt tears form in the corners of my eyes but quickly blinked them away.
Tim sat silently and still, his expression one of sympathy and concern, “Wow, I had no idea. that sounds really horrifying my dear. I completely understand your fears now. I’m feeling a bit less fond of the dark too now myself.” He kissed me lightly on the forehead and rubbed my arm. “You still okay for dinner with my folks? We can always reschedule and get McDonald’s or something. Watch some Ducktales?” I smiled at him and chuckled. “That’s tempting but no. No, we’ve booked a table and everything. Besides it’s too short notice now to cancel. Let’s get going soon. I feel okay. It was a long time ago.” Tim glanced at me in a way that showed he was wholly unconvinced, but he yielded. “Okay my dear, I’ll just take the trash down quickly. Meet you downstairs.”
A few minutes later I had my makeup on and was waiting downstairs on the ground floor. Tim had left ahead of me to take the trash to the refuse bins in the basement and I had expected him to be waiting for me already. But he wasn’t there. I frowned, confused. Is he still downstairs? Why is he taking so long? I tried to keep my panic in check but as the minutes ticked by my heart began to thump loudly. “No, no, no. There’s no such thing as the dark-place. There’s no such thing as the monster in the basement” I stammered to myself softly as I tried to force the panic back down into the recesses of my stomach. “He’s just - he’s – “ I couldn’t end that thought without the ending being dire. My blood was electrified with terror as I made a small step towards the basement. The stairway to the basement was curved so the basement door was hidden. I craned my neck and peered around the corner. The large, metal basement door was shut. “Tim? Tim, is everything ok?” My voice shook slightly as I spoke but it was firm and loud. Silence pressed up against my ears. I took a step forward and started to descend. I halted after three steps. I felt dizzy now. “Tim? Tim this isn’t funny. I’m really freak – “, then I heard him. “Cara! Cara! I tripped and hit my head”. I heard him groan in pain, “I think I twisted my ankle. I really need some help.” My fear instantly dissipated. Tim was hurt badly! His voice sounded really worried. If he’d been unconscious this whole time he’d need serious medical attention. Shit! Why had I waited so long to check on him? Of course there’s no such thing as monsters. He needed me and I couldn’t let my fear get in the way. I hurried down the stairs and ripped the door open. As soon as I stepped through the doorway I knew I’d made a huge mistake.
Complete, utter darkness pressed up against my eyes and I felt an unnatural coldness in the air. I turned to leave but the basement door slammed into me and knocked me back so hard I felt myself leave the floor. I hit the ground hard and yelled with fright, pain and surprise. “What the hell?” I stammered, my head swimming with confusion. “Tim? Timothy!” I whimpered in the pure darkness. I was sitting on the hard, dusty floor which was the only other thing I could sense besides the horrendous cold, my soft sobs and the musty smell. Then a gloomy light bloomed to life.
My jaw dropped open in horror. It couldn’t be possible. There, many yards in front of me too far to be possible, a single lightbulb was hanging. Its light was cold and small. It looked almost exactly like the light from my old basement. As I looked down I yelled and began to wail loudly. Lying in the light of the bulb was the mutilated, bloodied corpse of my dear, sweet Timothy. The man who I had wanted to marry. The man who always made me feel safe. The man who knew exactly how I liked my coffee and pancakes. Oh my God! He was dead! That thing had got him and it was all my fault. Guilt, terror and pain of all kinds washed over me. Tears poured down my face and I yelled incomprehensibly, pleading for someone to help. Suddenly, another identical lightbulb popped to life before the first. Then another. Then another. Soon, hundreds of lights sprung to life. The line of lights made a beeline toward me and the final lightbulb flickered to life in front of me. I heard the sizzle and hum of its electromagnetic field as it hung above me. I was frozen from fear. I had no idea what to do. My eyes burned with tears and I squinted because of the bright fluorescent lights. I shouted from fright as I heard a lightbulb suddenly explode. I gazed down the line of lights and saw the silhouette of a man standing beneath the broken bulb right at the end. Then the next bulb in the line burst and the man instantaneously stood beneath it, now one light closer to me.
With a loud pop the next bulb blew. Then the next. Suddenly, all the bulbs were exploding one after the other louder and louder. I saw the silhouette get closer and closer, as swift as a shadow. I stood to run, vomit making its way into my mouth as my heart screamed from panic. As I turned to face the dark behind me a cold hand grabbed my throat. I felt myself lift into the air. The cold hand squeezed ever tighter. As I sputtered, unable to breathe, I heard a soft, raspy male voice say, “We warned you”.

First off I had no idea this girl existed until he broke it off with me. We have been dating unofficially for the last 3 months- talking to each other multiple times every day, we went on 2 dates and slept together. He went for a two week holiday with family to Switzerland but when he came back two weeks ago his messages suddenly reduced down to one a day (which was very out of character for him). He claimed he was sick at first and cancelled our 3rd date (to which he said he had been looking forward to and really didn’t want to cancel). But then when he started feeling better the messages remained at one a day. He apologised and told me it’s because his work had rang to say they were firing him if he didn’t get his act together. So he started saying he was super stressed and too busy with work to see me. I eventually just asked him what he was after and he said he didn’t know, he was sorry and that he hadn’t been leading me on. Our messages ended with me leaving him on read after he claimed he was too busy with work and that the distance between us (1 hour drive) was an issue. Again I didn’t really believe it was a valid excuse (especially since he had said he’d “travelled further for less important things”) but I apologised to him for not being able to understand (thinking it was my fault he has pushing me away) and wished him luck finding what he was after in the future. Well only two days after this he reposted a girls instagram story, who had taken a picture in our first date location (a mutual meeting point he claimed was too far now to meet me at) and she had captioned it with “🩷”. This to me seemed like a clear sign from him that he either wanted me to think he has a new girl, did indeed have a girl he had been dating the whole time or that he really gave no shits about me and everything he had been saying was a lie (e.g. saying I’ll get to meet his family pets, telling me he’s proud of me, saying he’s not a fuckboy, showing me chocolate he had brought back from Switzerland to share with me, etc.). However, this girl could also just be a friend?
Do I confront him about it? Do I ignore, block and move on (swallowing my pride, dignity and pain in the process)? Or do I message her anonymously and let her know? (Bearing in mind I don’t know if they are actually dating or for how long).
Truthfully I would only be telling her because I think cheaters are disgusting, he deserves to be hurt and held accountable and she deserves the right to get away from him. It would not be with the intention of ever dating him again.

That is, after 5 days of the procedure I had intercourse, 4 in a period of approximately 12 hours.
I no longer had purple or inflammation, but I realized after a day of rest that right where the ducts were, they were blood-colored, without pain, just some discomfort but a little swollen and something similar to swollen veins at the base of the penis.
Is it normal or should I go to the emergency room?

Idk what to do my mom (a single mother after her divorce with my dad) has been taking a large portion of her money she makes by herself to pay for my online schooling for 2 years now because of my severe social anxiety that lead my school drop me out of my old highsch/collage (im from the uk) because of my lack of attendance leading me to choose a private online sch because thaf was all we could find and so now I have lost contact with the one friend I had left and I just live like a shut in all day in my room watching YouTube, eating and sleeping 24/7. But my exam a coming closer and I had to resart the last year because of my failure to catch up to all the lessons I missed during the gap where I was looking for a new sch. So I'm 18 in year 12 and I really don't want to be held back again because then I'll be restarting with my brother and my mom will be mad at the money she wasted I'm such a disappointment. I haven't revised properly. I've been procrastinating alot have like random days of enthusiasm to revise and then it comes to a hult for q month and that repeats it self for a period of time before I stop all together for months on end not attending any of my online classes or engaging at all before mocks start rolling in and I haven't revised I get scared that my mom will be disappointed in me and I use ai to cheat on the tests so I can't get passing good grades be in actuality I don't even remember the basic and even the pier knowledge for the subject paid with it also being hard subjects (maths, computer science and business studies which isn't too bad for me I don't really have to cheat for those mocks necessarily)...I'm so fucked idek what to do. I've been lying all this time that I've been revising when i haven't. I thought buying a iPad would boost but productivity and make my ambition increase and it did for a few weeks before I stopped. That's the problem with me I can't keep focusing of something I end up losing interest or forgetting ( I'm consistent for like a month or less but no less than a week and then my fixation changes) I have no idea what to do...do you think I could revise all 2years worths of topics and stuff in one year? Im scared I really fucked up this time. And all I can do is cry and throw a pity party at the mess I put upon myself. I dug a hole for myself and willing jumped in it and I have no one to blame but myself I wish I had some thing to blame. All the procrastination, running away from facing my reality and most destructive-ly my fucking lies have got me here. I can't stop lying that all I do when I don't have something when i want to fit in when it not going as planned, when I can't do something and when I can't run away I lie. I've lied about so many awful things that don't even compare to this tbh but this is the one that coming to bite me in the ass. Normally I don't really care or feel as guilty as I do even when I lie abt thing that are horrific but I'm scared the my mom will be just as disappointed as my dad and the I won't have anyone anymore. And that when ik I've disappointed myself too. I always told myself I was gonna go to Cambridge and I'd never be a broke as i am now where I still have to lie about have a TV in my house lol. But maybe I'm not worth that I think I'll probably just end up in a council house work minimum wage. God their really is something wrong with my brain. I hate myself so much. I wish I could rewind time when I was 16 but now I'm really fucking desperate for something that doesn't exit.

Since about 2 weeks ago, perhaps after an update, the BitWarden Desktop app for MacOS (I have a MacBook Pro M2), no longer has a menu-bar of its own.
Meaning the app essentially only has the functionality viewing and editing passwords and all that. But I am unable to configure locking times, biometrics and other settings. The entire settings menu is nowhere to be found.
Because the browser plug-in relies on the desktop app for biometric authentication it now requires doing it twice which is a pain in the a**. For example the browser plug in is locked, to unlock it, it requires me to go back to the desktop app, unlock it with biometrics, then go back to the plug, and unlock it once more using biometrics, it is really really annoying.
Especially because I configured it to lock after the screen is locked, so I have to redo this whole process twice after each time I go to grab a drink, pee or whatever else.
I thought this is something that changed with the app after the update, but as I said, I can't access the settings of the app to find out.
I should also mention that I tried to reinstall the app with a fresh download form their website, it didn't change anything.
I have sent all this in the contact form that BitWarden has on their website a week ago, and have received no updates, and the website doesn't even have the functionality of "open tickets" or whatever. Which honestly is very disappointing, especially since I am a paying member.
Can anyone help?

Idk what to do my mom (a single mother after her divorce with my dad) has been taking a large portion of her money she makes by herself to pay for my online schooling for 2 years now because of my severe social anxiety that lead my school drop me out of my old highsch/collage (im from the uk) because of my lack of attendance leading me to choose a private online sch because thaf was all we could find and so now I have lost contact with the one friend I had left and I just live like a shut in all day in my room watching YouTube, eating and sleeping 24/7. But my exam a coming closer and I had to resart the last year because of my failure to catch up to all the lessons I missed during the gap where I was looking for a new sch. So I'm 18 in year 12 and I really don't want to be held back again because then I'll be restarting with my brother and my mom will be mad at the money she wasted I'm such a disappointment. I haven't revised properly. I've been procrastinating alot have like random days of enthusiasm to revise and then it comes to a hult for q month and that repeats it self for a period of time before I stop all together for months on end not attending any of my online classes or engaging at all before mocks start rolling in and I haven't revised I get scared that my mom will be disappointed in me and I use ai to cheat on the tests so I can't get passing good grades be in actuality I don't even remember the basic and even the pier knowledge for the subject paid with it also being hard subjects (maths, computer science and business studies which isn't too bad for me I don't really have to cheat for those mocks necessarily)...I'm so fucked idek what to do. I've been lying all this time that I've been revising when i haven't. I thought buying a iPad would boost but productivity and make my ambition increase and it did for a few weeks before I stopped. That's the problem with me I can't keep focusing of something I end up losing interest or forgetting ( I'm consistent for like a month or less but no less than a week and then my fixation changes) I have no idea what to do...do you think I could revise all 2years worths of topics and stuff in one year? Im scared I really fucked up this time. And all I can do is cry and throw a pity party at the mess I put upon myself. I dug a hole for myself and willing jumped in it and I have no one to blame but myself I wish I had some thing to blame. All the procrastination, running away from facing my reality and most destructive-ly my fucking lies have got me here. I can't stop lying that all I do when I don't have something when i want to fit in when it not going as planned, when I can't do something and when I can't run away I lie. I've lied about so many awful things that don't even compare to this tbh but this is the one that coming to bite me in the ass. Normally I don't really care or feel as guilty as I do even when I lie abt thing that are horrific but I'm scared the my mom will be just as disappointed as my dad and the I won't have anyone anymore. And that when ik I've disappointed myself too. I always told myself I was gonna go to Cambridge and I'd never be a broke as i am now where I still have to lie about have a TV in my house lol. But maybe I'm not worth that I think I'll probably just end up in a council house work minimum wage. God their really is something wrong with my brain. I hate myself so much. I wish I could rewind time when I was 16 but now I'm really fucking desperate for something that doesn't exit.

“Are you really that afraid of the basement?” My boyfriend was busy putting on his blue buttoned shirt as he asked me casually. I glared back at him. “You’re seriously going to bring this up now? I’m busy getting ready for dinner” I said grumpily, pulling on my bra. He shrugged apologetically, “Look, I’m sorry okay, I just want to know why, especially if it’s such a big issue. We can talk about it whenever you want. But I would really like to talk about it eventually.” His tone was calm and filled with sincere concern. I sighed. Timothy had been so great. We’d been living together for over a year now and he’d been very patient with me and my phobia of dark places. I don’t just mean I’m afraid of the dark, I mean I go into full on panic attack mode and start tearing the walls apart with my bare hands and finger nails and teeth if it gets even close to dark in any room I’m in. It makes going out at night or doing anything normal like going to the cinema, or planetarium or club or bar very difficult. I also cannot enter a bathroom that has no natural light and nothing but motion-sensor based lights. If they go out for just a second my heart races, my blood boils from fear and my lungs burn from panic. I scream and run, crying usually until I’m back in the light.
I slowly sat on the edge of our bed “Okay Tim, I’ll tell you why. Right now actually if you’d like. I’d rather just spit it out. We have a few minutes and it’s not a very long story anyway”. Timothy quickly pulled on his last sock and came over to sit next to me. I looked at him and then looked back down at the bed. “I’ve – I’ve never told this to anyone. But the reason I’m so afraid of the dark. Of being alone. Is because of what happened to me in the basement when I was ten years old.” I paused and Tim took my hand. His fingers were rough and warm. “I’d never had issues with the dark or the basement or anything like that ever before. One day my mom asked to go down and fetch the laundry from the dryer. So, I’ve been down in the basement of this house a billion times and I think nothing of this at all. The door creaked loudly just like normal as I opened it. I lazily walked down the steps and was busy messing around with my new Walkman when I suddenly heard the door slam behind me. I was plunged into darkness and I thought I’d gone blind.
I groped in the darkness for the light-switch and heard it click as the lightbulb buzzed to life noisily. The basement was not large and was nothing but bare concrete. We used it to store some old furniture and photo albums. Of course we kept our laundry down there too. A bit spooked by the door slamming, I decided to get the chore over with as fast as possible. However, as I my foot left the last step and touched the cold concrete floor the lightbulb glowed brightly and burst. I was plunged into darkness yet again. I breathed heavily and moved in the direction of the laundry. I waved my hands in front of my face but could see nothing. I knew that there was a flashlight in the drawer of the desk next to the dryer. I took a few tentative steps expecting any minute to feel bright pain explode threw my hip as I bumped into the desk. But I never did. So, I started taking bigger steps. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I realized that something was horribly wrong. I should’ve been on the other side of the room by then. A few steps after that I should’ve been on the other side of the wall! Before I knew it I was running. Sprinting! Hoping to be lucky enough to slam hard into the wall. To prove this nightmare a fake. But the wall never came. I ran through cold darkness.
Then I heard a voice. A soft whisper at first. Then it became louder. It was the voice of a man. There was nothing abnormal about his voice at all. But it gave me goosebumps. He – he warned me never to return to the dark. He warned me never to tell another living soul about where I had been. I shook. Trembling with fear and incredulity. How could this be possible? Where was I? Suddenly, light sprung to life in front of me. I yelped and shielded my eyes because it was very bright and I suddenly felt really cramped like the room had just shrunk. Then strong hands were grabbing me and lifting me and I found myself being pulled from a well. We still have no idea how but some men had heard a noise and once they’d seen me they rescued me immediately. They found me in a well that was hundreds of miles from my house. From that damn basement.”
I paused briefly as I rubbed my temples with the tips of my fingers, “I had to go to therapy and no one could ever explain anything. Like I said before, I never mentioned what really happened to anyone. I didn’t know whether I was more afraid of people thinking I was crazy or if I was really more afraid of that – voice. All I said was that I blacked out on my way down the stairs. Ended up being in all the papers and my family and I had to move to a whole new town. After that it was just kind of swept under the rug and people stopped asking questions. My parents never bring it up. They pretend it didn’t happen. I like to do that too. So now that I’ve told you I don’t want to hear another word about it. And if you tease me or prank me, so help me God I’ll dump your ass.” I was trying to make a joke to help break the tension but I could feel myself shaking as I recounted the story. It had been some time since I’d thought about that traumatizing day. I felt tears form in the corners of my eyes but quickly blinked them away.
Tim sat silently and still, his expression one of sympathy and concern, “Wow, I had no idea. that sounds really horrifying my dear. I completely understand your fears now. I’m feeling a bit less fond of the dark too now myself.” He kissed me lightly on the forehead and rubbed my arm. “You still okay for dinner with my folks? We can always reschedule and get McDonald’s or something. Watch some Ducktales?” I smiled at him and chuckled. “That’s tempting but no. No, we’ve booked a table and everything. Besides it’s too short notice now to cancel. Let’s get going soon. I feel okay. It was a long time ago.” Tim glanced at me in a way that showed he was wholly unconvinced, but he yielded. “Okay my dear, I’ll just take the trash down quickly. Meet you downstairs.”
A few minutes later I had my makeup on and was waiting downstairs on the ground floor. Tim had left ahead of me to take the trash to the refuse bins in the basement and I had expected him to be waiting for me already. But he wasn’t there. I frowned, confused. Is he still downstairs? Why is he taking so long? I tried to keep my panic in check but as the minutes ticked by my heart began to thump loudly. “No, no, no. There’s no such thing as the dark-place. There’s no such thing as the monster in the basement” I stammered to myself softly as I tried to force the panic back down into the recesses of my stomach. “He’s just - he’s – “ I couldn’t end that thought without the ending being dire. My blood was electrified with terror as I made a small step towards the basement. The stairway to the basement was curved so the basement door was hidden. I craned my neck and peered around the corner. The large, metal basement door was shut.
“Tim? Tim, is everything ok?” My voice shook slightly as I spoke but it was firm and loud. Silence pressed up against my ears. I took a step forward and started to descend. I halted after three steps. I felt dizzy now. “Tim? Tim this isn’t funny. I’m really freak – “, then I heard him. “Cara! Cara! I tripped and hit my head”. I heard him groan in pain, “I think I twisted my ankle. I really need some help.” My fear instantly dissipated. Tim was hurt badly! His voice sounded really worried. If he’d been unconscious this whole time he’d need serious medical attention. Shit! Why had I waited so long to check on him? Of course there’s no such thing as monsters. He needed me and I couldn’t let my fear get in the way. I hurried down the stairs and ripped the door open. As soon as I stepped through the doorway I knew I’d made a huge mistake.
Complete, utter darkness pressed up against my eyes and I felt an unnatural coldness in the air. I turned to leave but the basement door slammed into me and knocked me back so hard I felt myself leave the floor. I hit the ground hard and yelled with fright, pain and surprise. “What the hell?” I stammered, my head swimming with confusion. “Tim? Timothy!” I whimpered in the pure darkness. I was sitting on the hard, dusty floor which was the only other thing I could sense besides the horrendous cold, my soft sobs and the musty smell. Then a gloomy light bloomed to life.
My jaw dropped open in horror. It couldn’t be possible. There, many yards in front of me, too far for the size of this basement to be possible, was hanging a single lightbulb. Its light was cold and small. It looked almost exactly like the light from my old basement. As I looked down I yelled and began to wail loudly. Lying in the light of the bulb was the mutilated, bloodied corpse of my dear, sweet Timothy. The man who I had wanted to marry. The man who always made me feel safe. The man who knew exactly how I liked my coffee and pancakes.
Oh my God! He was dead! That thing had got him and it was all my fault. Guilt, terror and pain of all kinds washed over me. Tears poured down my face and I yelled incomprehensibly, pleading for someone to help. Suddenly, another identical lightbulb popped to life before the first. Then another. Then another. Soon, hundreds of lights sprung to life. The line of lights made a beeline toward me and the final lightbulb flickered to life in front of me. I heard the sizzle and hum of its electromagnetic field as it hung above me. I was frozen from fear. I had no idea what to do. My eyes burned with tears and I squinted because of the bright fluorescent lights. I shouted from fright as I heard a lightbulb suddenly explode. I gazed down the line of lights and saw the silhouette of a man standing beneath the broken bulb right at the end. Then the next bulb in the line burst and the man instantaneously stood beneath it, now one light closer to me.
With a loud pop the next bulb blew. Then the next. Suddenly, all the bulbs were exploding one after the other louder and louder. I saw the silhouette get closer and closer, as swift as a shadow. I stood to run, vomit making its way into my mouth as my heart screamed from panic. As I turned to face the dark behind me a cold hand grabbed my throat. I felt myself lift into the air. The cold hand squeezed ever tighter. As I sputtered, unable to breathe, I heard a soft, raspy male voice say, “We warned you”.

Has anyone had prolonged bleeding? And what helped with it if you did please. I’ve been bleeding since mid March with maybe 3 weeks of no bleeding in between.
I’ve had a normal pap, and my scan back in December was normal. My blood were fine except low shbg.
I’m ttc so don’t wana go on pills unless I really have to. I had a loss last year and I feel like my periods have just not been the same since. I tried inositol for a while but I feel like that increased the bleeding ?

Idk what to do my mom (a single mother after her divorce with my dad) has been taking a large portion of her money she makes by herself to pay for my online schooling for 2 years now because of my severe social anxiety that lead my school drop me out of my old highsch/collage (im from the uk) because of my lack of attendance leading me to choose a private online sch because thaf was all we could find and so now I have lost contact with the one friend I had left and I just live like a shut in all day in my room watching YouTube, eating and sleeping 24/7. But my exam a coming closer and I had to resart the last year because of my failure to catch up to all the lessons I missed during the gap where I was looking for a new sch. So I'm 18 in year 12 and I really don't want to be held back again because then I'll be restarting with my brother and my mom will be mad at the money she wasted I'm such a disappointment. I haven't revised properly. I've been procrastinating alot have like random days of enthusiasm to revise and then it comes to a hult for q month and that repeats it self for a period of time before I stop all together for months on end not attending any of my online classes or engaging at all before mocks start rolling in and I haven't revised I get scared that my mom will be disappointed in me and I use ai to cheat on the tests so I can't get passing good grades be in actuality I don't even remember the basic and even the pier knowledge for the subject paid with it also being hard subjects (maths, computer science and business studies which isn't too bad for me I don't really have to cheat for those mocks necessarily)...I'm so fucked idek what to do. I've been lying all this time that I've been revising when i haven't. I thought buying a iPad would boost but productivity and make my ambition increase and it did for a few weeks before I stopped. That's the problem with me I can't keep focusing of something I end up losing interest or forgetting ( I'm consistent for like a month or less but no less than a week and then my fixation changes) I have no idea what to do...do you think I could revise all 2years worths of topics and stuff in one year? Im scared I really fucked up this time. And all I can do is cry and throw a pity party at the mess I put upon myself. I dug a hole for myself and willing jumped in it and I have no one to blame but myself I wish I had some thing to blame. All the procrastination, running away from facing my reality and most destructive-ly my fucking lies have got me here. I can't stop lying that all I do when I don't have something when i want to fit in when it not going as planned, when I can't do something and when I can't run away I lie. I've lied about so many awful things that don't even compare to this tbh but this is the one that coming to bite me in the ass. Normally I don't really care or feel as guilty as I do even when I lie abt thing that are horrific but I'm scared the my mom will be just as disappointed as my dad and the I won't have anyone anymore. And that when ik I've disappointed myself too. I always told myself I was gonna go to Cambridge and I'd never be a broke as i am now where I still have to lie about have a TV in my house lol. But maybe I'm not worth that I think I'll probably just end up in a council house work minimum wage. God their really is something wrong with my brain. I hate myself so much. I wish I could rewind time when I was 16 but now I'm really fucking desperate for something that doesn't exit.

Hi everyone! Quick context to let you know about my situation
I'm a 21 year old male and have always had a pretty big forehead and terrible hairline which has worsened in the last 3 years which has been the reason of lots of insecurities (also being a trichotillomaniac doesn't help), for that reason I've been buzzing my hair (I'm talking even less than 0.5mm) every week for like 4 years until a month and a half ago. For some reason I wanted to check out what I really had going on hair-wise, so I've been letting it grow and I'm at around 3cm of length as of now.
There's a problem though, I've noticed that my scalp (and hair) SEEMS to be really dry, and I really can't tell if it's true, while massaging/touching it it also seems tight and itchy (even mild discomfort as if I was touching an old bruise) and I can feel LOTS of short stubby hair under my "longer" hair, which feel like a week old beard, and it's not just in the areas where male pattern baldness first shows up (hairline temples and crown) but everywhere, which has been bothering me to no end because I highly doubt it's my hair growing back, rather it makes me feel like it's miniaturizing or something similar. "Haircare"-wise I'm pretty useless, I don't know a single thing I should be doing, years ago I used to wash my hair daily with shampoo and my hair still seemed to be greasy, something then switched and both my hair and facial skin seem to be really dry and flaky, nowadays I try to keep shampoo washes to a MAXIMUM of 3 since I work out 3 days a week and hate feeling dirty, I have even washed it as little as once a week for a pretty long period of time without any result. "Recently" I've started using extra virgin olive oil on my face and hair out of desperation, which doesn't seem to make much of a difference at least on my hair.
My problem with understanding these things is that I can hardly find stuff that applies to myself and if I do I find multiple sources that say radically different things (a major one is: wash your hair every day to kill microbes / don't use shampoo more than once a week, but the instances where this happens are countless, another one is "you shouldn't apply conditioner to short hair" vs. "applying conditioner to short hair or even massaging it into the scalp can help nourishing it")... I'm not expecting to find a definite solution, given also that I can't afford a visit from a private specialist, what I would like to know is a general guide to at least figure out some route to follow, either way if it doesn't go as planned iI'll just get back to buzzing my hair for the rest of my days, which I'll have to do anyways.
Thanks in advance! have a nice day everyone :)

Episode 07 Summary - no guest
Everything in quotations is something one of them said (or talking about what a third person said, it'll be clear though).
Im sorry it's a day late, I'm trying to figure some things out for myself and I just forgot to do it yesterday.
They talked about: - they spent the first few minutes harmonizing notes and talking about music (tammin's mom was a music teacher) - im reading the transcript whenever i do these notes and they're just having a non-pll related conversation?? It's about Beyoncé and her country album now? -> it took them like 12 minutes to get to pll - pll fans and how awesome they are, but some fans online were mean (to Lindsay) - they started discussing 1x07 - Lindsay understands why some people hated Paige from the beginning - Lindsay: "Looking back, I definitely played into the writing of her (Paige) being really needy." - tammin said she tried to make people feel sorry for Jenna - tammin always saw/thought of Jenna as a very scared person in pain - tammin (about Jenna controlling toby): "people control when they're scared" - Lindsay to Tammin (about Jenna being in Emily's room): "What you can't do with your eyes, I hear [in your voice]." - tammin: "Because I didn't have a lot to say, I remember really breaking down almost every word and what each word meant to me." - tammin (from Jenna's perspective): "I needed them to be afraid of me because if they weren't afraid of me then I wasn't safe anymore." - tammin thinks Jenna and toby hooking up (you mean her raping him???) wasn't such a big deal (as people made it on the internet) because they weren't actually related - tammin: "it was a little screwed up" - babe it was rape, it was a lot more than that 😐 - tammin was very excited about the scene where Jenna kisses toby and then slaps him, because that meant finally more action for her character - tammin's eyes were mostly closed behind the sunglasses, she basically said it made it easier (bc if you can see, you'd automatically pick up, for example, a cup if you can see it) - Tammin did Research on how to read Braille, she went to a place where there were blind people - tammin: "there are so many things that I taught myself (to portray a blind girl) so I didn't look like I was bullshitting" - tammin doesn't think she'd get to play Jenna now (because she's not actually blind) - authenticity and inclusiveness, so like maybe an actual blind actress would play Jenna today - tammin about diversity in today's world: "I want my daughter(s) to see that all as amazing and normal" - Shay's and Lindsay's chemistry read - Lindsay asked shay if it was okay for Lindsay to touch her, shay replied: "is it okay? (Sarcastic) I mean have you seen what we do on this show?" - when tammin was 8 months pregnant in the scene where Jenna nearly drowned in the little lake - the water can't be too hot when ure pregnant, but tammin kept being like "turn the water up" but the crew said no - still about the lake scene, there were people with oxygen (for tammin) just in case - shay was really sweet about dragging Tammin out of the lake - about eight months ago, tammin shot something were she had to hold a gun and she said she was nervous, tammin: "what if there was a bullet that I didn't see" - Tammin denied the offer of being a series regular because she was up for three other show pilots, she thinks that was a mistake decision
Memorable/funny quotes: - Lindsay: "What you can't do with your eyes, I hear [in your voice]." - tammin: "Because I didn't have a lot to say, I remember really breaking down almost every word and what each word meant to me." - Tammin (from Jenna's perspective): "I needed them to be afraid of me because if they weren't afraid of me then I wasn't safe anymore." - tammin: "I want my daughter(s) to see that all as amazing and normal"

First Previous
Wiki RoyalRoad
Cover Art & Travis Portrait by Pedro Puglisi
Fan Art of Seleyna! - By KyrionDraws
Lesson Number 3 – You are a danger to everyone around you.
I thought I knew this one already, it is the reason I had to leave my village after all, but it didn’t truly sink in until yesterday.
The fortress was under attack. A salilipede, a half-salamander half-millipede looking greater varmint, was trying to climb the stone walls of the crownwork, but the guards seemed to have everything under control. That was until I peered over the wall to get a better look. Despite my poor mana sight, I could see how volatile the mana was inside the creature, and almost didn’t notice when it jerked its head towards me.
It went into an even greater frenzy, ignoring the crossbow bolts pelting it, and skittered along the wall straight towards me. I still can’t summon Fire or Water to fight, so I ended up backing away in fear and had to let the orc intercept the salilipede when it crested the battlements. He crushed the head with a single blow from his club, then chuckled afterwards with his deep baritone when he saw my frightened form.
We ended up splitting the kill with the local garrison, but the fact the monster ignored the soldiers hurting it in favor of me left a sinking feeling in my gut when I left to train with the witch that night.
Travis
Philiadra River – Cattail County
ETA to Brushstroke Fortress – Unknown
I stood nervously on the main deck with my squad, awaiting orders as some of the commandos and corpsmen secured the prisoners aboard the captured pirate ship (save for the one giving the ship captain directions), then rowed ahead on the vessel to warn Brushstroke of the potential threat. My gaze shifted to the miniature anti-behemoth cannon being fussed over by the beardless artificer, then to Lancel who was holding onto a pendant with one hand and muttering a prayer.
“Hey,” I gave his arm a nudge after he finished, “have you ever fought one before.”
“No,” he whispered back, “I’ve always been assigned to line infantry behind the outer walls. The closest I’ve gotten to one before was back during my first flood. I was on wall duty with the other privates getting acclimated when this massive… thing… quadruple the size of our ship here, crept over the horizon and sent the wave attacking us into chaos. I tried to pull out the telescope Tristan gifted me to get a better look, but before I could raise it up, the entire wall started quaking when the artillery on the nearby crownwork began firing, and I almost dropped the thing into the moat.”
Lancel took a fresh inhale, then steadied his nerves, “The worst part came next when my ears stopped ringing a minute later. The noise… I… I can’t really describe it. Entire sections of the behemoth were blown to shreds, and it was spilling blood and ichor all over the field. It was then that every single monster in the area rushed the injured behemoth, and… started clawing and chewing on its still living carcass…”
“Merciful gods and God, that sounds horrifying.”
I heartily agreed. Professor Ulaphine didn’t go into too much detail about behemoths in class, stating that we’d go into more depth during our final year, but he did give us the basic rundown.
--“Behemoths are the result of every chimera that manages to consume enough biomass. Their increasingly feral minds eventually lose all self-preservation to not consume the cysts of other monsters, leaving them even more vulnerable to developing infectious growths. Like a chimera, extra limbs, eyes, mouths, and other appendages can appear; regardless of whether it’s in a functional location. Consequently, the numerous sources of different monsters will often turn it into a shambling mess, only able to crawl from meal to meal and lack any direct combat or magical ability. Do not for one second assume this to be the norm or that they can be dispatched easily from range. Older behemoths can gain a semblance of unity and will be able to reconfigure their bodies into a more efficient design.”
“What makes a behemoth particularly dangerous is two things; its ability to quickly regenerate via self-cannibalism and the way it draws in nearby monsters. Their high volume of low-grade flesh can trick monsters into thinking they’re attacking a large group of weaker prey and will only grow more enticing scent-wise for carrion eater varmints after the behemoth gets injured defending itself. Stronger monsters, such as the Elemental Eight, will be intelligent enough to avoid them, but do take precautionary actions should you ever encounter one; behemoths are the preferred prey of dragons.”--
My attention snapped back to the present when Captain Aguk stepped off the aft deck and directed his focus at us.
“The purpose of the Combined Arms Special Extermination Forces is to counter exotic threats to the three kingdoms. Behemoths fall under our purview. In twelve minutes, we’ll sail to the abomination’s last known location. Intel states that it is young, and likely still in a proto stage, but all caution will be taken on our approach.”
He gestured behind us to the large weapon on the fore deck, “The overall strategy will be to lure the behemoth into range of the ship’s cannon, then assault with magic. Novice Quinsandoral, step forward and present your helmet.”
Vesril moved forward to do as ordered, pausing only momentarily to set his jaw.
Captain Aguk placed a hand on the headgear, “I’m switching your private channel to the command group’s frequency. As the senior spellcaster of our battalion, I’m tasking you with coordinating the mages to formulate a response. The rest of us will be securing the battlefield and maintaining an exit route.”
The elven Ice Mage saluted the spartan, “Thank you for the opportunity sir.”
Vesril snarled after us mages met up on the aft deck after the briefing, “I had to complain about being bored…”
“See? Totally not my fault!”
I rapped my knuckles against Arc, not in the mood for his jokes given the situation.
“Sword irritating you again?”
“No, just—” I froze mid reply as I became aware of what I was about to confirm, leaving me too afraid to move my jaw or even breathe lest I say something incriminating.
A hand landed on my pauldron, and a smirking Mattius gave it a good shake, “Relax, I know you’re not going crazy, but… I’ve noticed you have a habit of hitting your sword whenever you’re frustrated. If you’re not mindful, people might start spreading rumors.”
A tension relieving sigh escaped me, “Thanks, I’ll uh… I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Cut the chatter!” Vesril barked, then looked over the gathered mages. “We don’t have the raw strength needed to overpower a behemoth, so our single option is to contain and chip away. Earth Mages, can you create a snap-jaw trap?”
Treblana shifted her gaze to Mattius, “I’ve never made one before…”
“They’re not complicated,” he assured, “basically just a support arch lined with [Caltrops] on the inside. If I stencil it out, do you think you can provide the mana?”
The Packer mage smiled, “I think so.” She turned back to Vesril, “We’ll make it work.”
“Good,” the elf nodded, “Fire will be our primary means of attack, but we’ll need to alternate different spell types to prevent it from adapting.” He then proceeded to lay out his plan, pausing only to ask the captains and artificer a few questions, then assigned us individual tasks for the mission.
Yellowtail Tributary – Goosepimple County
I’d seen some gorgeous paintings of Western Lakeland with Caldia when we toured art galleries on our… outing… and was not disappointed at all with the reality. Eras of erosion from the muddy river cut deep winding trenches through the grass covered hills, letting sunlight expose the vibrant shades of layered brown clay, but leaving dark patches of shadow. It was both awe inspiring and foreboding, and the knowledge that an abomination could be hidden behind the next bend was keeping everyone on high alert and my anxiety peaked.
“I’ll keep an eye on Mattius, but to be safe, maybe cool it on the jokes about me. He might misinterpret them as a call for help.”
Oh yeah, there was also that additional piece of stress to pile on the shit wagon. I really need to talk to Lancel, if anything, just so I can finally unload on someone I can completely trust.
Speaking of shit… I sniff the air once more to confirm the noxious odor failing to blend in with the wet earth.
“Hey,” I grabbed Vesril’s attention, “do you smell that?”
He raised an eyebrow, “Other than the usual stench of stale sweat and flatulence you humans and orcs give off?” Vesril sniffed, then his eyes went wide before spinning on his heel to Captain Aguk, “Sir, I believe we’re drawing close, and are downwind.”
The spartan nodded in acknowledgment, then shouted across the deck, “Spears up!”
Our ship seemed to float through molasses as we silently drifted along, but after making two more turns, sounds of fighting and chittering could be heard, and my heart stuttered when a dug-out quarry revealed our mission objective being assaulted by barrel-sized crayfish.
The behemoth was technically undersized and might not be officially classified as one, if you went by the monster field guide, but that didn’t make it any less disturbing to look at. The main body was a ball of oozing flesh and carapace six yards in diameter, tentacles on its back whipped around to ensnare prey, crustacean-like pincers and legs protruded out of the sides at odd angles to snip or stab, and far… far too many mouths filled with razor-sharp teeth consumed everything with a ravenous vigor. It left a shallow rut on the beach coming from a half-demolished ship, indicating that it wasn’t traveling fast, but given the number of monsters eager to feed it, the behemoth needn’t worry about hunting.
--Clayfish, a dual-element monster. These over-sized crawdads are best known for utilizing their high concentrations of Water and Earth Mana to fling mud at their prey to slow or trip them, then attack with pincers. Commonly found in muddy waters, their carapace is valued for its ability to filter contaminates from water, but their less than appetizing meat makes them only valuable to hunt when found in large numbers. Suggested method for disposal is to lure them into traps using rotten food.--
“Uh… Travis, you’re going to want to cover your ears.”
Huh?
I peeled away from the monsters in time for an ear-splitting boom to thunder from the foredeck. Crickets sang in my ears, creating pain as the echoes bounced end to end through my brain, and tears wept from my eyes as I struggled to re-open them.
The ringing faded after a couple of agonizingly long seconds, ushering in a bevy of orders that I needed to follow.
“Spartans, Knights, secure the beach! Squad 1 left, Squad 2 right. Mages, begin assault!”
Lancel, Reidar, and the other knights and spartans leap off the rail in front of me, splitting off into groups of eight to form outward-facing shield walls, then part to showcase the rupture left by the cannon in the behemoth. The artillery round made of human-steel blew straight through, staggering the abomination, but the already closing hole lets us know it won’t remain that way for long.
“Full Fire and Wind.” Vesril commands over the squad channel, “Earth Mages, get that thing pinned.”
Mattius and Treblana jump over the water to reach the shore and start constructing the snap-jaw trap while I cast [Fire and Wind Bolts], grateful for our Aura spells concentrating the low ambient mana in this area around us. Our attacks do little more than annoy the behemoth as it tries to shake off the spells like a wet dog but are providing the needed distraction for Treblana to begin phase one of our strategy.
In concert with her arms, four rows of rock twelve feet long raise from the beach to slide across the ground and surround the behemoth. The mandibles of the trap then bite into the monster, snapping shut with a clap of her hands, and trapping it in place. Jealousy rears its ugly head as she maintains her spell despite the creature’s struggles creating fractures in her stonework, but I push those errant thoughts aside to focus on my contribution.
“Continue Fire. Wind Mages, vortex formation!”
I cancel my next [Wind Bolt], instead sending the mana along with every other mote I can tear off my membrane after Mattius and Vesril’s, merging with theirs into a multi-layer rotation array. The fires on the behemoth soon roar to life as they’re fed fresh oxygen, and the shriek piercing through the noise lets us know we’re putting on the hurt while we keep launching more and more fire spells.
“Cease Fire. Wind, smother.”
The Wind arrays I created with Vesril and Mattius shift into a repulsion configuration, and although it doesn’t completely stop all air movement, it is enough to starve the fires roasting the behemoth. Charbroiled skin soon reveals itself but given the amount of writhing the creature continues to make, I swiftly conclude that damage to only be skin-deep. Vesril commands us to release the spell, then launches a rotating violet Orb of Ice Mana. The spell greatly expands in diameter on contact, freezing the air, vapor, and flesh inside, and causing thermal expansion to carve deep fissures and cracks across the abomination.
“Retract Earth. Water Mages, move to standby position. Prepare for cannon.”
I hop over the ship rail, taking advantage of my [Earth Cleat] enchantment to soften my landing in the knee-high water, then use it as a conduit to channel my Earth Mana and pull up fresh sand. Mattius and Treblana already started with repairs, so I prepare to help by replacing the teeth on the trap arms with modified [Caltrop] spells but must pause partway through and cover my ears when the artificer announces their warning.
“Launching round in 3…, 2…, 1…”
Another boom vibrates through my body, but this time I’m able to watch as the hunk of metal pierces through the behemoth like a needle though a rotten egg, sending blood and guts flying, and knocking the abomination back a yard. Sadly, it’s only a needle and not a nail. Despite the gaping wound, the behemoth staggers back onto its legs, and I need to swallow down my own rising vomit when the abomination’s tongues begin lapping up its own innards.
Drozuk and the twins start drenching the monster with water to wash away its fuel, reminding me that I need to get back on task. I barely sneak in my portion of repairs right before Treblana clamps down again on the behemoth and manage to at least cast a respectable number of [Water Bolts] before Vesril commands us to switch phases again.
I detach all my gathered Wind Mana once more to create the miniature tornado, wait for the behemoth to dry off, then join Seleyna and the twins in igniting the behemoth into a bonfire, starting the cycle all over again. Some of the terror I feel fades as I watch Vesril freeze it the second time, mainly because I’m more ready to repair the teeth on the trap when its released, but seeing the artificer blast entire chunks off it with the cannon before I wash the gore into the river helps give me a visual indication of our progress.
We continue our onslaught, trusting the knights and spartans to keep us safe, and I fall into an almost meditative rhythm as I rotate through the elements. Wind->Fire->Earth->Water, Wind->Fire->Earth->Water, Wind->Fire->Earth->Water… I didn’t even notice when I started humming one of Arc’s tunes from the spell range, or remember when the anti-behemoth cannon stopped firing, but I didn’t care; the behemoth needed to die. It kept thrashing despite its growing impotence, even as bones and glowing cysts became exposed, but it seemed like no matter how much magic we threw at it, it would not stop struggling.
That was… until it did.
Vesril halted our attack, eyed the remains of the behemoth dubiously, then conjured a trio of icicles above the abomination before impaling it.
Still no movements…
Vesril raised a hand to his helmet, “Captain Aguk, target appears to be downed.”
“Copy that. Keep clear of the remains, I’ll send a group to confirm the kill.”
Reidar
Varguk had a big toothy grin and was rubbing his hands together while the corpsmen brought out supplies from the ship and returned with clayfish remains. The chef clearly had a plan, and Reidar could already feel his stomach rumble in anticipation, although that might have just been the usual post-battle cravings he’d get after a prolonged fight.
The feeding frenzy sparked by the injured behemoth lured in what must have been every varmint in an eight-mile radius, turning the battle into a marathon, and forcing him and the others protecting the mages to keep using mana reinforcement to push through the exhaustion. Luckily, no one was injured, and the captains ordered the battalion to rest while they investigated the damaged ship, so all he had to do was pray that his next meal would be soon.
“I’ve got good news and bad news!” Varguk shouted when he carried over a locked crate. “The good news is that I’ll be serving gumbo.”
Only halfhearted cheers came from the crowd. No doubt everyone was as worried as he was about what the follow-up statement might be.
“The bad news is… that it won’t be ready till tomorrow afternoon at the earliest. Which means for now…” Varguk bent down to unlock the crate then gave the squads a sideways grin, “mandatory double rations for everyone.”
‘Oh, is that it?’
Reidar watched as everyone but him and Travis collectively groaned with dissatisfaction, and almost allowed a smirk to form. It had been years now since he was reassured by his instructors and medical professionals the first time he tried a Mana-Rich Edible that he wasn’t an aberration, but never meeting someone else with his quirk always made it hard to believe it wasn’t just one more thing making him a weed among the grass.
With those thoughts in mind as rations were handed out, he decided to follow his therapist’s advice, breaking his MRE’s in half, and making the conscious decision to walk over and see if Travis wanted to split. His plan encountered a snag however when a Message came over the battalion channel.
“Junior Reidar, Acolyte Vesril, report to the damaged ship.”
‘That can’t be good… There’s only a handful of reasons they’d need a Junior Medic.’
Reidar internalized a sigh, spun on his heel with a grace that only years of practice marching in formation could accomplish, then followed the trail of destruction the behemoth created towards the ruins of the ship. It was hard to estimate the original size due to the entire back third being in tatters, but based off the remaining raised foredeck for the ballista and the exposed benches in the lower deck for rowers, he figured the pirate vessel was close to the dimensions of Warden’s Hammer. He kept at a sedate pace as he scarfed down his rainbow-colored treats, partly because he and the Ice Mage following him needed to be mindful of their steps, but more so he could finish his food before the inevitable occurred and he got his hands dirty.
Vesril let out a long whistle as they maneuvered past a heap of splintered wood barricading their ingress, “Must have snuck in as a small chimera, gorged itself on the sleeping crew, then grew too large and had to smash out.” The elf stopped to examine a damaged manacle then frowned, “Do human pirates keep slaves?”
“Modern pirates do not. They will however take prisoners when raiding, then ransom them for supplies or drop them overboard as distractions to escape naval ships.”
“Sounds like they learned a few tricks from my kind’s cousins. Do they bury collected monster cores on islands as well?”
“Not to my knowledge. Intelligence briefings state that they’ll use hunters to trade their collected monster cores for supplies.” Reidar pondered for a moment as he took in the damage, “That could be what lured the creature here in the first place, if they couldn’t find someone to launder them, their stash might have become too large.”
The Ice Mage nodded as the two approached the hole where Raven Four was waiting for them. The commando swore the two to secrecy, then led Reidar and Vesril inside. Dried blood covered the chipped and worn floor, a half-chewed arm was hanging from a hastily made patch job covering a split in the overhead rafter, and pornographic posters lined the walls, but what captured Reidar’s attention was the captains surrounding Lieutenant Karianne as she knelt to examine a dwarven body.
“Reidar,” the senior medic waved him over, “I need you to perform a non-surgical autopsy.”
He nodded, then stepped closer to start a visual examination. Beginning with the bare feet, he noted the lack of boots and thick layer of dried mud, gaunt legs covered with a set of filthy torn trousers, congealed blood pooled around a simple carved javelin jutting out of the bony chest, and—
Reidar gasped as he took in the head. A set of antlers poked out of the tangled mess of green hair, thick varicose veins snaked down the temples and neck, and instead of a beard, what appeared to be plant roots were sprouting from the dwarf’s chin.
“Zephoreas’ bloody blade!” Vesril invoked. “How does a mature dwarf develop advanced chimera sickness?”
That was a good question. Simply becoming a mana user immunized a person from most parasitic infections and contaminations that could develop cancerous cells in the body. He placed a hand on the dwarf’s chest, then closed his eyes to help focus as he sent tendrils of Wood Mana down towards the wound.
“There’s fluid in the lungs, signs of persistent anemia, heart is misshapen, a ruptured skroben…”
“Ugh…” Karianne grunted with sympathy, “that’s probably what did the bearded in.” She shook her head, “Poor thing, that’s not a pleasant way to go.”
Captain Aguk narrowed his eyes in confusion, “What’s a skroben?”
“Quickest way to describe would be a cross between a gizzard and a liver. It filters out toxic levels of heavy metals like lead, potassium, and mercury, then stores them in polyps attached to the organ. A simple case of ulceritis alone can cause severe abdominal distress, and rupturing one almost guarantees multiple organ failure.”
Raven Four peered over the medics to analyze the javelin, “Whoever did this must have been lucky or highly skilled. That organ is barely larger than a coin and well protected by the ribcage.”
“I don’t believe a high degree of luck was needed.” Reidar contributed as he concluded his analysis of the wound. “I’d need to open up the body and consult with a specialist to be sure, but I estimate this bearded’s skroben was the size of a fist when it got pierced.”
That seemed to confuse Karianne, “Are you detecting any foreign mutations in the immediate area? It normally takes a full cycle of consuming contaminated water and food for there to even be a noticeable increase in size.”
“Nothing obvious.”
Silence fell upon the room as the group digested the information, allowing Reidar to continue his investigation further down the dwarf’s body. He still didn’t find any cysts or foreign tissues, but there were multiple signs of prolonged malnutrition. If it was caused by chimerism, he couldn’t tell without performing a more invasive examination. He pulled his tendrils of Wood Mana back up, then snaked them into the neck and head, unsurprisingly discovering parasitic plant roots. He followed along them, eventually finding the expected mass of semi-hard tissue around a—
‘Oh no…’
Reidar felt Apheros’ grip on their connection tighten, sending a shiver down the back of his spine, standing up every hair on his body, and making every primal instinct in his body scream in terror.
The nature god was furious.
“Captain Adaline,” Reidar forced out, “this is not a natural case of chimerism. Someone implanted cut Wood Mana gems inside the temples of this dwarf.”
The royal knight cursed, giving the interior of the ship a second glance through a fresh perspective, then swore once more before raising a hand to her helmet and speaking over the battalion channel, “Lieutenant Fernrod, were there any cut mana gems in the remains of the behemoth?”
“Yes, I found two Wood Mana gems in the pile.”
“Separate them from the monster cores and advise the Staff Sergeant and Ship Captain that we’ll be transporting a secure shipment to Brushstroke.”
“Copy that.”
Captain Adaline took a deep breath, then turned to the group, “Raven Four, have your team sweep the area. Vesril, medics, I want this body packed in ice and sealed. This is to remain top secret. Understood?”
Reidar saluted the Royal Knight, “Understood Sir.”
Arc
Well… shit. I thought encountering a behemoth was bad enough, but knowing that it might have once been a dwarf…
My focus floated near Travis as he looked on in curiosity at the large storage chest being hauled aboard the ship by Reidar and Aguk, extremely grateful that he was being kept in the dark about this development. It’s been half a year now since his village was attacked by elves who’d undergone a similar alteration, but I’d prefer not rolling the die with PTSD, or given that there were no other signs of necromancer activity in the kingdom until now, the false perception that he was responsible.
Travis tapped me with his finger and whispered, “What are they hauling?”
“I can’t say. You’ll get in trouble for knowing.”
He shrugged, and to my relief, went back to talking with Lancel and the others. I watched him for a bit as he discussed the battle but couldn’t help myself from resuming my surveillance when I caught Adaline pulling out a Master Message Stone.
“Raven Two, this is Adaline, do you copy?”
“Go ahead Adaline.” A feminine voice I didn’t recognize answered inside the Royal Knight’s helmet.
“We’ve stumbled upon a false necromancer that died attacking a drydocked Mathildis the pirate and crew in response to a behemoth sighting. This one’s a dwarf with Wood Mana gems and complimentary mutations. I’ve got the body on ice, and so far, only the command staff, the medics, and Acolyte Vesril are aware of its existence. Requesting orders.”
“Ugh, seriously Ada… you couldn’t even wait a full day before another incident?”
“I’m just as much a pawn on the god’s gameboard as you are.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Red Feather warned us that bizarre things might occur on this mission. I’m checking on what we have for local assets. Just for confirmation, you have not directly informed P3 or Travis of the body?”
“Correct. To the best of my knowledge, they are ignorant of the situation.”
“Alright, we’ll stick to protocol for now then. I’ve got a team in Union that can overnight to Brushstroke and repatriate the body. Secure the parcel until then. Codeword for handoff is ‘axefish’.”
“Understood, I’ll orate a full report once we’re settled in the fortress.”
Huh, that’s interesting. I wonder who Red Feather is? Well, obviously a spymaster, but if they’re warning the captain that unexplainable things might happen on this trip, then maybe they’re aware of my existence? Heck, it wouldn’t shock me if they were a true paladin or even the Chosen of Ignitious given the name. Not to go full conspiracy nutter, but Ignitious is the god of Trickery, having their agent be the head of the kingdom’s intelligence division wouldn’t be that a big of a stretch.
I’ll have to keep an eye out for these guys. There’s no guarantee that they’ll be friends.

Idk what to do my mom (a single mother after her divorce with my dad) has been taking a large portion of her money she makes by herself to pay for my online schooling for 2 years now because of my severe social anxiety that lead my school drop me out of my old highsch/collage (im from the uk) because of my lack of attendance leading me to choose a private online sch because thaf was all we could find and so now I have lost contact with the one friend I had left and I just live like a shut in all day in my room watching YouTube, eating and sleeping 24/7. But my exam a coming closer and I had to resart the last year because of my failure to catch up to all the lessons I missed during the gap where I was looking for a new sch. So I'm 18 in year 12 and I really don't want to be held back again because then I'll be restarting with my brother and my mom will be mad at the money she wasted I'm such a disappointment. I haven't revised properly. I've been procrastinating alot have like random days of enthusiasm to revise and then it comes to a hult for q month and that repeats it self for a period of time before I stop all together for months on end not attending any of my online classes or engaging at all before mocks start rolling in and I haven't revised I get scared that my mom will be disappointed in me and I use ai to cheat on the tests so I can't get passing good grades be in actuality I don't even remember the basic and even the pier knowledge for the subject paid with it also being hard subjects (maths, computer science and business studies which isn't too bad for me I don't really have to cheat for those mocks necessarily)...I'm so fucked idek what to do. I've been lying all this time that I've been revising when i haven't. I thought buying a iPad would boost but productivity and make my ambition increase and it did for a few weeks before I stopped. That's the problem with me I can't keep focusing of something I end up losing interest or forgetting ( I'm consistent for like a month or less but no less than a week and then my fixation changes) I have no idea what to do...do you think I could revise all 2years worths of topics and stuff in one year? Im scared I really fucked up this time. And all I can do is cry and throw a pity party at the mess I put upon myself. I dug a hole for myself and willing jumped in it and I have no one to blame but myself I wish I had some thing to blame. All the procrastination, running away from facing my reality and most destructive-ly my fucking lies have got me here. I can't stop lying that all I do when I don't have something when i want to fit in when it not going as planned, when I can't do something and when I can't run away I lie. I've lied about so many awful things that don't even compare to this tbh but this is the one that coming to bite me in the ass. Normally I don't really care or feel as guilty as I do even when I lie abt thing that are horrific but I'm scared the my mom will be just as disappointed as my dad and the I won't have anyone anymore. And that when ik I've disappointed myself too. I always told myself I was gonna go to Cambridge and I'd never be a broke as i am now where I still have to lie about have a TV in my house lol. But maybe I'm not worth that I think I'll probably just end up in a council house work minimum wage. God their really is something wrong with my brain. I hate myself so much. I wish I could rewind time when I was 16 but now I'm really fucking desperate for something that doesn't exit.

Good morning, I(24F) had my laparoscopic diagnostic surgery for endometriosis yesterday and they found nothing. I am honestly devastated, there is no cause for my pain that she seen… said everything was perfect. I’ve had extremely painful periods for 15 years (since I started my period), sometimes have pain with sex & orgasm(depending where I’m at in my cycle) the amount of pain I experience is pass out level I’d say 95% of the time, to where medication doesn’t really help much. One of the things I’m questioning about my surgery is I only have one incision, like how can you genuinely go in and look around with only one? Has anyone else had that happen? It was also just performed by my regular OBGYN so I believe I’ll need to be recommended to a specialist. I’m just so upset and feel shafted that she didn’t really look that hard, it only lasted about 30-45 minutes at most and I also had a dye test(HSG). Thank you for your time in reading it!

I'm not sure if any of this is gonna make any sense, I haven't been able to sleep due to being fairly unwell, so bear with me.
Basically, I've been bereaved by suicide three times (potentially five times, but these two were drug overdoses and their heroin was laced with fentanyl, so it's murky and I don't have the courage to ask for details and I don't want to hurt people any more than they've already been hurt). I also have quite bad mental illness myself, have been almost sectioned, etc.. So I lurk in subreddits about my various mental health issues, sometimes commenting. Mostly just lurking.
Anyway. Every now and again I see threads that basically say people who want suicidal people to stay are the selfish ones (meant in a negative way). Personally, I don't think being selfish is inherently bad, and, this may be an unpopular opinion, I do believe there was an element of selfishness in each of my people dying by suicide. I believe they did what they did to end their own pain that at that time they felt was completely intolerable, but at the end of the day it was their choice (I know they may not have seen any other option! But, there is choice in everything). That is to say, they thought about themselves and transferred their pain elsewhere, onto us. Ergo, they acted in a selfish way. Again, to me this isn't an inherently bad thing, people are selfish in general, we have to be! It's how we keep ourselves safe sometimes, for example. I know they just wanted the pain to end.
Hope this makes sense.
So basically, these threads bother me because I feel like I am unable to share my lived experience, the trauma that I've been through in the aftermath of people ending their lives. How much it absolutely destroys you. How that choice they made impacts you forever, and sure it won't be as acute as it was initially after some time has passed, but for me though it changed the way I view pretty much everything. It was life changing in the most awful way possible and I already had pre-existing CPTSD before being bereaved in this way. I could never imagine putting someone through this pain now that I've been through it. It is just absolutely horrific, as I am sure you guys understand. If I could go back in time and prevent it I would. Things don't stay the same forever, good or bad, but you have to be alive to see the changes. When you die...that's it. You're gone (I am an athiest as well, hence my thought process). Nothing good (or bad, or neutral) can ever happen to you again. That's why I think trauma like this is so fucking brutal because nothing can really help it, except time, but even then the well of despair is always there threatening to suck you in. You can't change it.
Maybe I'm just in my feelings because it's almost July and I lose one of my best friends to suicide in July back in 2015. I suppose even after all these years I'm still quite raw about it all. And with how suicide is still taboo and I feel like we are blamed a lot either directly or indirectly by people who have no idea about it on a personal level, just feel like there's no where to turn to sometimes. It's lonely.
Thanks for reading if you got this far through my jumbled mess of thoughts.

I am a almost-45 old male. 1.5 years back, after a long drive, I started getting severe pain in my foot. The location of pain was majorly the inner side of the feet. But sometimes I could feel it near either of the malleoli (ankle bones) I could do other things like walking and climbing steps, but driving was exacerbating the situation. At first I thought it is a specific car, then it happened with other cars too. so I stopped driving. After some months of treatment inclduing NSAIDs and physio when the there was not much relief I got one MRI (I am in India where we healthcare situation is different) which indicated osteoarthritis.
I went through physio at home for 3 months. Meanwhile my activities were limited, I did about a 1km-2km walk everyday, thats it. Driving was completely stopped.
Ankle seemed to be a very fragile structure during this time, and I was getting sudden attacks of pain from doing very simple things in life. Walking or standing for long time was also creating pains. I survived many of them with NSAIDs.(My pain threshold is low)
I saw many specialists during this time, couple of orthopedists and couple of foot-ankle specialists. They would all go with some NSAIDs, then physio for 10 days etc. But the pains keep coming back.
Then I was suggested PRP by a foot-ankle specialist. I had 2 shots of PRP in May. Doctor wanted to have an MRI before because the old MRI was an year old now, but I declined due to costs (was probably a bad idea.) We went with PRP based on the clinical findings. (around inner side of feet about an inch from the medial malleolus towards toes.)
Next month I slowly kept increasing my activity levels till I could walk for 1 hr without getting pains. Feet was getting sore but I could recover from it without any problem and go on next day.
Then I had a work related whole-day conference.This meant a whole day filled with lot of walking and standing. After this, I started severe pain, this was in a different area from where the PRP was done. This was in front of the ankle, right in the middle of it. Seemed to come from a place about an inch inside.
I got a second MRI, (this month) this one said:

1. Mild talonavicular osteoarthritis.
   
2. Remodelling and cortical irregularity along the dorsal surface of the navicular bone, may cause anterior ankle impingement.
   
3. Prominent stieda process of talus with minimal fluid surrounding the flexor hallucis longus tendon - posterior ankle impingement.
   
4. Achilles tendinopathy. No tear.
   
5. Chronic interstitial tear of anterior talofibular ligament.
   
6. Grade II sprain of deep fibres of deltoid ligament. Minimal tibiotalar joint effusion
   

History: On this same leg, I had had a motor accident 16 years ago, where I had a compound fracture involving distal shaft of tibia and fibula. (2006) healed obv. I also slipped and fell, turning my feet the wrong way 30 years ago and the pain was so much I fainted. (1995) I also had a plantar fascitis in the same feet diagnosed in 2008. 5 and 6 above could be from one of these, I am not sure.
Orthopedist after seeing the review is more concerned about the osteo. He asks to limit the activities and preserve the joint as I am still young. He also prescribed some collagen peptide supplements. I am undergoing physio and rehab currently, which I am taking more seriously this time. (Really focus on rehab)
I am upset because I already have a very limited range of activities (less walking and no driving. Which really affects my life and work) How much more can i limit my activities?
I am going to see the foot-and-ankle specialist this week for his advice.
I have too many questions and too few answers. This unresolved problem is seriously affecting my mental health as well (Lot of anxiety, my wife says -I end up doing things that makes things worse when I am anxious.)

1. Why don't the pains come while I am doing the activity, and mostly come after I resume after rest? This gives me lot of anxiety about any physical activity.
   
2. Should I continue walking or limit it? I see lot of conflicting advice. Limit your activities vs movement helps the arthritis.
   
3. Any resources to get the 101 on this problem?
   
4. How do I get to (mentally) acceptance of this condition?
   

Purecycle Technologies ($PCT)
PCT is easily one of the best companies that I’ve stumbled across in my years of finance experience. The company transforms polypropylene (#5 plastic) into a versatile and renewable resource that can be incorporated into food-grade products, film, fiber, etc. While traditional, mechanical recycling methods produce products that are only useful in a few applications and are limited by odors, colors, and performance, PCT is the ONLY company that separates these contaminants, colors, and orders to form a ultra-pure recycled resin.
As with all investments, I think it’s important to always consider the challenges before looking to the upside. Over the past couple years, PCT has experienced challenges from two standpoints: (1) production and (2) shorts. (1) Production - When PCT first IPO’d, the company encountered several hardships. Delivery of parts were delayed due to Ukraine war (parts were being shipped from Europe), power outages and issues filtering co-products led to plant shutdowns. Furthermore, the financial agreement that PCT initially set foot on required the company to reach arbitrary production goals (e.g. 50% by X date), which added unnecessary pressure/rush to production. (2) Shorts - As with many other SPACs, shorters beat the young company to a pulp with short report after short report (many written by people in their young 20s with clearly no experience in the industry). The stock tanked from $30+ to $2 over the last few years, with now 40M shares short.
Now for the interesting part. Over the past 6 months or so, PCT has made hundreds of improvements to their plants. (1) Parts mentioned above were delivered. (2) Power outages originally put the plant out for a few weeks and the company is now able to get the plant back up after a few days if they encounter a power outage. (3) Improvements to co-product filtering and plastic production during April 2024 improvement period has allowed the company to ramp from 2,500 lbs of plastic pellets to 6,000 in a matter of 3 days AND THE COMPANY IS CONTINUING RAMPING. Nameplate capacity is 107M a year, which ~12k lbs/hr, but the company is already profitable at ~70% which is about 8,400 lbs/hr. (4) Lastly, the deadlines to meet production goals has been entirely removed. With no arbitrary deadlines, shorts have no more catalysts to turn to and are left hoping that the plants do not work. Would you want to really want to bank that the company does not reach profitability (8.4k/hr) when they were able to ramp from 2.5k to 6k in 3 days? Furthermore, how can shorts justify paying a 10-20% borrow fee indefinitely? Dan Gibson, Founder of Sylebra Capital, one of PCT’s largest institutional investors has already confirmed that the plant has been running substantially better since the last set of improvements. https://x.com/_dpgibson/status/1799242494292677046 (5) The company is currently expanding GLOBALLY. Plants are being built in Augusta, Europe, Asia, etc. Once PCT establishes their foundation in Ironton, Ohio (their main plant), they’ll have a blueprint for all their other plants and have NO COMPETITION. PCT is at least a decade ahead of its competitors. White space, pricing power, and additional legislation supporting recycling across dozens of countries - the future is bright for PCT. (6) PCT has continued to make incredible improvements to their staff and are backed by SMART MONEY. Dan Gibson, one of the best shorters on Wall Street being long says enough in and of itself. (https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2024-03-07/ex-coatue-trader-s-spac-shorts-fuel-22-gain-for-tech-hedge-fund) Mike Taylor, Founder of $PINK and someone who has substantially outperformed the healthcare indexes has 5x’d his shares in PCT between January and April (~200k to 1M) (https://www.simplify.us/etfs/pink-simplify-health-care-etf)
Recently, the pressure on shorts has really begun to increase. As mentioned previously, there are 40M shares short. Average daily volume is about 1.5M, meaning 25+ days to cover. Furthermore, the majority of shares are held by major institutions (e.g. Vanguard, Blackrock, Sylebra, SK Geo, etc.) Excluding these major shareholders, over 60% of float is short. Keep in mind, this does not include any pre-IPO holders and folks that do not file 13Fs. The pressure has led shorts to issue short report and short report. You have to wonder - if you are so certain that a company will fail, why do you feel the need to issue that many short reports? At one point, Bleeker Street issued 3 short reports on the same company within a 4 month span and 2 within a 3 week span. Secondly, WHEN the company succeeds, who will shorts purchase shares from? There are literally so few shares to buy that the stock has jumped 20% on 1M shares. Imagine if 40M shares need to cover.
In my opinion, PCT has the ability to hit $25-30 in the next few months if they are able to execute and hit ~75 to 80% production. The recent improvements in plant function, additions to the executive team, removal of arbitrary deadlines, and increased pressure on shorts to cover are significant upsides for PCT. PCT has the unique opportunity to transform recycling for the entire world, provide versatile renewable products, and squeeze the fuck out of these shorters who blindly short SPACs and beat up on young companies trying to do good in the world.
Disclosures: I am LONG PCT (10k shares and 1k Jan 25 $10C)
Please DYDD. Happy to answer any questions.

It started In my final few weeks of Iraq. I remember because we spent two weeks in Kuwait waiting to rotate and those two weeks were the most miserable time of my life. Constant itching around the anus and bleeding. I dreaded taking showers because the pain was so intense when the water it.
I didn't seek medical attention because it was embarassing. I asked my medic buddy he said "told ya to quit runnin over to the marines tent at night ya queen. Now let's go to chow, don't let me catch you trying to bring back a to go plate with cucumbers in it." (miss that guy haha).
That worst of it lasted about a week. But it never fully went away. To this day, 4 years later, I still have some pain when wiping and constant itchiness. It even made my buy bidets for my every toilet at home (I avoid amy public restroom use). No pain while pooping.
Anyone have anything similar, or know what it could possibly be. It's manageable now (thank god for bidets) but definitely still an issue.
Note: I am going to finally bite the bullet and bring it up during my next PCP appointment.

An ancient Vampire loses his final battle and dies while taking his enemies with him...
... only to awaken in a new world, not only somehow still alive but HUMAN once more!
Sort of.
Although there are similarities with his old world, this new place is dominated by a class-based leveling system, where the rarest, most powerful jobs dominate society. Ironically, the new job assigned to him is VAMPIRE LORD.
Oh, well. There are worse things in life than doing what you already know.
But just because he helped destroy his old world doesn't mean our protagonist wants to repeat the slaughter. After being a monster for a thousand years, what could be more novel than becoming...a hero?
Too bad centuries of being casually evil is such a tough habit to kick.
____
Chapter 1. Lemons Bleed When You Squeeze Them.
Two hundred years after the Vampire Apocalypse, in the castle of the Lord of Blood, Kyler Stragos...
…Mayner gave an agonized shriek of pain when I caught his kick midair and pulled his leg from his hip with a moist popping sound. As the blood began jettisoning from his wound, I seized control of it, using my power to turn the liquid into a solid strand of ribbon which quickly wrapped itself around and across the rest of his body and pulled itself taut, dicing him into a mound of wet little cubes that cluttered themselves over the floor of my throne room.
Hemokinesis. The ability to mentally manipulate blood. It’s not the kindest power in the world, but then again, I am a Vampire Lord. Kindness isn’t a trait that’s expected of me. Besides, Mayner started it. Assembling this silly little raid and invading my home with the intention of, how had he put it? Bringing me to justice for my innumerable trespasses against humanity and delivering me to final judgement!
He had an excellent speaking voice. I could have listened to him rant about my crimes for hours before eating him. He ignored my request to repeat himself, though. That was a sad moment for me and an utter tragedy for him and his friends.
It’s now been fifteen minutes since our dance began and things aren’t looking too well for Mayner’s little gathering of heroes. Mayner himself has just been cubed and only a dozen of the thirty he brought with him are still standing. All of them are hollow-eyed and on the verge of animal panic, especially now that their leader is dead. If any of them wanted to flee, I felt no obligation to chase after them. I’d already seen their faces and caught their scents. I could hunt them down at my leisure.
Then again, they’d made a terrible mess of my throne room. It wouldn’t do to let such behavior slide. I’m a bit obsessive about arranging things exactly how I like them, but now the whole area was cluttered with destroyed objects and mutilated corpses.
Yeah, looking at what they’d done annoyed me. Okay, I’ll just kill them all and be done with it. Or maybe I’d just kill most of them and let the survivors clean the place up first. Then I’d kill them as well.
That seemed fair.
I wonder though, should I congratulate them for lasting this long or should I taunt them for failing to deliver on Mayner's threats? As I ruminated over the proper course of action to take, my final opponent appeared before me.
How best to describe this young beauty? She had silver hair which she kept tied back over a flawless-looking face. Over her athletic frame, she wore enameled plate armor with golden highlights. Despite her serene expression, her gray eyes blazed with a warrior's righteous certainty, and in her hands, she carried a spear that emanated a disturbing light the presence of which made my undead flesh recoil.
Just by observing her calm approach, I somehow knew that my doom had finally found me.
For the first time in centuries, I knew fear.
“Oh, shoot,” I said to myself, just before she began her attack.
Dodging her wasn’t easy, which was the first indication of how much trouble I was in. You see, dodging a strike delivered by a mortal should always be easy. After all, I’m nearly twenty times faster than any human being that ever lived. This girl shouldn’t have been able to perceive my movements. That didn't stop her from launching a furious series of vigorous thrusts at my face and torso, all of which I narrowly avoided with no time to deliver a counterattack of my own.
In frustration, I leaped into the air and floated there, safely out of her reach. My powers allowed me to not only control any external sources of blood, but I could also control that which flowed within my own veins. By infusing it with my magic, I could fly and augment my strength and speed to levels which dwarfed even vampiric norms.
While that was usually enough for me to win, for occasions like today, when I was facing a truly tenacious foe like this girl, I preferred to mold spilled blood into weaponry and attack from a safe distance. It was cowardly but highly effective.
Raising my hands before the blood-soaked room below me, I willed dozens of edged weapons into existence from the gore that coated my floor and bid them to rise into the air alongside me. Then I pointed towards my opponent and sent them flying at her in an unending stream of certain death.
If I was the sort of egotist who named his favorite attacks, I think I would have called this one Bloody Rain. Didn’t that have a certain charm to it?
Sadly, despite the large quantity of my munitions, the girl parried, blocked, and danced away from everything I threw at her. Her precise movements and unshakable poise were beyond any other human’s that I’d ever seen. Who was she? What was her grievance?
More importantly, could I beat her?
I received my answer a moment later.
Before I could react in time, she suddenly launched herself into the air above me and with one perfectly delivered overhead kick to the top of my head, she smashed me painfully to the ground. Before I could regain my legs, she then threw her weapon at me.
Wasn’t that unsporting of her? I thought it was.
In a flash, her holy spear pierced my chest, pinning me firmly in place to the stone wall behind me. I screamed in pain, and struggled to dislodge it, but I could feel my many powers being weakened and suppressed and I knew in that moment that I had finally been defeated. After a thousand years of bloody revelry, someone had finally stepped forth to put me in my place.
It felt so anticlimactic.
I’m one of the four great Vampire Lords. Over the years of my impossible span of existence, I’ve dueled demigods, saints, and legendary chosen warriors. I even stood my ground against that brief but terrible superhero fad, where it seemed like every orphaned alien and maladjusted billionaire with repressed sexuality, was determined to put on an outlandish costume and vent their wrath on whichever socially acceptable target of the day they could pummel half to death with their leather gloved fists.
No matter who my opponents were or however much power they wielded, I always found a way to either win or survive. That was the benefit of being beyond death and growing stronger as I aged. Time would always be on my side.
Except for today, it seemed.
After a few more half-hearted attempts to remove the spear, I sighed and let my hands fall away from it. It looked like there was no getting out of this one. If I struggled any further, it would only hurt my public image. I had a legacy to consider. If this was the night where I finally met my end, then I would do so calmly.
I owed that to myself.
Honestly, I couldn’t deny that I had this coming. I hadn’t been a very kind person. To put it bluntly, I’d been a complete monster who killed quite a few people over the years. And when I say quite a few, I mean quite a few.
Want to hear an amusing story? Once, in a fit of anger, I painted an entire block of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, red with the blood of its residents. Not by myself, of course; I had a lot of help. Mostly mind controlled first responders and a few lesser vampires that I bullied into pitching in. Surprisingly, a lot of the locals assisted as well. Not because I forced them to do it, but because many Philadelphians were dead inside and took malicious joy in spreading suffering.
I miss them.
It took us a while to get the job done, but we made it into a sort of community project and gave it our best effort. It really wasn’t worth it, though. Blood doesn’t stay that vibrant red color for very long and in massive quantities, it draws a lot of flies.
So many flies…
Still, while the final results might have been disappointing, I treasured my memories of that day. Getting out of my comfort zone, meeting new people, and trying something a little different. It really had been fun. I wonder how everyone's been since then? I mean, the humans were obviously all dead by now, even the ones who didn't get dined upon, and Philidelphia has been a radioactive crater for the last seventy years. But maybe I should have seen if any of those other vampires were still around?
It's so hard to maintain connections.
It was strange to realize that I couldn't even remember what had originally made me so angry that day. Time flows through us and leaves us with our broader recollections while taking away all the fine details. The past becomes so insubstantial that even a deathless existence like mine can’t hold on to its nuance. In the end, we're all just sieves attempting to hold on to our identities.
That made me feel a bit melancholic. But such is the nature of this ephemeral world. It’s foolish to lament over things that can’t be changed.
“Why aren’t you begging?” a cold female voice asked me, shaking me out of my depressing thoughts.
“I beg your pardon?” I replied sarcastically. It was the girl who’d spoken to me.
“I asked why you weren't pleading for your life,” she said. “This is the end for you. All of you. You’re the last of the Vampire Lords. Without you to make others of your kind, your species will die out within a century.”
“Ah,” I said, now understanding her point. “And you believe that concern for the lesser members of my race should somehow compel me to beg for your mercy?”
“If you cared for them at all,” she said.
“Well, that’s the problem right there, I’m afraid,” I said with a small laugh.
“How can anyone be so selfish?” she frowned. “I’ve now struck the final blow against the darkness. Plead for your life.”
“To begin with, I don't have a life to plead for,” I informed her. “I'm already dead. I could also care less what happens to any other vampire. By infernal design, we’re a race of murdering parasites. If we're truly falling into extinction, then it's what we deserve.”
“You’re only pretending to be calm,” she said accusingly. “You’re just trying to rob my victory of its sweetness.”
“I’m really not,” I said with as much of a shrug as my shoulders could provide while being pinned to a wall. “I’d much prefer our current positions were reversed. But what can be done? Wishing won't change anything so why make a production over it?”
“I hate that,” she said angrily. “After everything you’ve done, you should be afraid! You be remorseful! You’re a monster, Kyler Stragos! You don’t deserve peace of mind! It isn’t fair.”
“Believe it or not, I concede your point,” I said. “But when has fairness ever factored into anything relevant? That’s a concept that exists outside of nature.”
“As if an undead abomination has the right to speak of natural law,” she scoffed.
“Even if I transcend and defy the laws of nature and man, I can still make a neutral observation,” I replied. “A criminal is still permitted to have an opinion.”
“A criminal? So, you admit you deserve a greater punishment?” asked the girl.
“I already said so,” I replied. “Unfortunately for you, I’m a soulless thing. A simulacrum of a living being. I may bear the shape of a man but never his spirit. I can be destroyed, but I can’t truly be punished. No hell awaits me, just the endless dark. Sorry if that makes your victory seem pointless.”
“Don’t listen to him, Sophia,” said one of the survivors. A burly looking young man with handsome, rugged features. His was the sort of swaggering masculinity that would have offended an insecure Athenian. I felt a little bad for scarring him. Or rather, I did, before he pulled out a large silver-edged knife which he swiped viciously across my face.
“Ouch,” I said mildly.
“The pain is just beginning for you, bastard,” he spat, before plunging the knife repeatedly into my torso.
He wasn’t wrong, I suppose. It was extremely painful. But pain is something I’ve learned to ignore over the years. After a while, it just became another distant sensation. Another flavor of experience. Hot or cold. Mild or spicey. Pleasure or pain.
It was all the same, really.
“Enough, Thomas,” the girl, Sophia, said gently as she placed her hand on my tormentor’s shoulder. “Don’t sully yourself on this vile thing.”
“He killed Mayner,” Thomas said with tears in his eyes. “He killed all of them. All of our friends! Played with us like our lives meant nothing…”
“Your lives don't mean anything,” I chimed in helpfully.
“SHUT UP!” he screamed before dragging his blade across my throat. Ouch, again. He’d nicked my vocal cords. Now I couldn’t speak anymore.
Not that he seemed to care.
“Thomas, stop,” Sophia said, more firmly this time. Thomas began sobbing and let the knife drop from his fingers. She embraced him and whispered soothingly into his ear as he trembled with anger and grief and hugged her back, no longer a warrior, but a survivor in severe mental anguish.
Hmm. It was quite an intense interaction. Seeing their physiological reactions to each other told me those two were definitely going to be having sex later in the evening.
Well, who could blame them? They looked good together. I’ve heard secondhand that copulating after a near death experience felt exhilarating. I couldn’t confirm it myself, though. I’ve been so powerful for so long that if I’ve ever personally experienced survival sex, I’ve long since forgotten it. I’ve had loads of victory sex, but something tells me it’s not of the same quality. Probably because it lacked the elements of adrenaline and intense emotionality.
Ugh, watching these two together was quickly growing aggravating. I really did wish I could murder them both.
Sometimes while walking alone at night, I’d see a pair of young lovers doting on each other with sincere affection and I’d find myself wishing with all my heart that they would die, all lovers everywhere at once.
Why am I a thousand years old and still so resentful of happy couples? Where did that aggression even come from? It had to be because of my own marital troubles. I had three beautiful wives, but I didn’t like any of them and they each hated me as well. Most of the time we avoided each other entirely, but occasionally we had to appear publicly for social events.
It was so stressful.
If I could give one valuable piece of advice to any younger vampires, male or female, it would be this: don’t convert powerful enemy warriors into one of us and force them to marry you. It’s incredibly stupid. Yes, it’s natural to be attracted to a competent fighter who defies your will and resists you to the very end, especially if they’re physically appealing, and equally intrigued by you.
But don't give in! Resist the urge to raise them from death to become your groom or bride! Remember, gifting them with eternity doesn’t mean they'll stop being your enemy. It just means that they've become immortal and now they have all the time in the world to make you pay for your hasty decision! Once that brief haze of lust passes, an eternity of suffering will be yours.
But if you couldn’t stop yourself the first time, then at least make certain not to repeat the error ever again. Harems are an immature fantasy for mentally unstable masochists. No matter how up to the challenge you delude yourself into thinking you are, they’ll always be united against you!
How had Dracula done it? Kept three wives satisfied and gone for two more? He must have had a talent for maintaining relationships, a skill for which I have no knack. It’s so embarrassing that I’m still so lacking as an individual.
When will I finally mature?
Probably not today since Sophia intended to kill me.
If only this spear wasn’t so powerful. Where had she gotten this thing? It felt like a relic of some sort. Something that was even older than I was. Far older. A weapon that had easily killed beings more powerful than I would ever be. It really seemed like overkill to bring this to bear against me. On the other hand, it was also a little flattering. Clearly, I had to be considered quite the threat for them to bear such holy finery against me.
Had Sophia been telling the truth when she said I was the last of the Vampire Lords? I hadn’t been paying much attention to anyone else’s circumstances, but now that I thought of it, it had been a while since I last contacted any members of the old gang.
We’d all gone our separate ways shortly after the celestials had brought down Blood Emperor Cruxis, but I was sure someone else would eventually take up the mantle and get the wheels of domination rolling again. I suppose that would no longer be the case.
Huh. A world without vampires. What would that be like?
More specific to my interests, a world without me in it. Would that even be a world worth living in?
I didn’t think it would be. But I’m biased on this matter.
If only there were a way I could screw over these heroes at the last minute. That would feel so nice. Unfortunately, Sophia’s accursed spear was sealing my abilities. No blood manipulation, no mind control or superhuman strength and speed. Just me, pinned to the wall like a dead beetle to a bit of Styrofoam.
Were there truly no options left to me? It seemed so unfair.
Oh, wait. Maybe there was something I could do.
It’s widely known that vampires are incapable of standing before the light of the sun. Solar energy is incredibly harmful to us, but not because of what most people believe.
Sunlight didn’t hurt us because we were weak against it; The actual problem was that our bodies absorb it too readily. Vampires crave sunlight almost as much as we do blood. It's a consequence of existing in utter darkness. We wanted sunlight badly. We just couldn’t handle it; we absorb it in such quantity that it overloads our capacity to contain it and causes us to explode.
That’s right. We explode. It all depended upon the age of the vampire; the greater our reserves of power, the more solar energy we absorbed and the more violent the detonation became when we finally went. Lowly lesser vampires would puff out of existence into an ignoble pile of dust. But ones at my level?
I had no way of knowing, really. No one my age had ever done it. But some three-hundred-year-old twerp had been caught in an ambush a few decades back and brought down an entire skyscraper when he went off. Who knew what sort of havoc I’d cause in my death throes?
I now found myself looking forward to finding out.
The key to my victory would be the spear. My body was reading the magical light it exhuded as sunlight. It was agonizing, but that no longer mattered. Instead of resisting, I began quietly pulling the energy inside of myself, flooding my body with it, like a tick clamping on to a fresh vein.
It hurt. It hurt so much, but I still couldn’t keep the triumphant grin off my face. Whoever this Sophia was, and however she had acquired her skills and this damnable spear, I would never know. But I didn’t care anymore because she still wasn’t going to win.
Closer and closer the clock ticked towards the coming of the end. I could feel the power swelling within me. Oddly enough, the spear tried to resist me. Wasn’t that something? It was as though the weapon possessed a will of its own. How sad that it was too late to stop me.
Sophia! I thought I heard someone cry out in a voice tinged with panic.
Sophia looked away from her lover with a startled expression on her face as she looked at me and realized that something had gone horribly awry. Pushing past him, she ran to me and grabbed the spear, trying to pull it free of me, only for me to grab ahold of it and keep it in place.
“What are you doing?” she yelled with growing fear.
I really wanted to say, “I’m taking you with me, you impudent nobody!”
Sadly, I still couldn’t speak thanks to that idiot Thomas and his knife.
So instead, I settled for laughing maniacally as I drew in more of the spear’s power. All over my body, glowing cracks begin to erupt from my skin as I grew closer to exploding.
Around the throne room, the survivors looked upon us and realized what was happening. The terror they expressed once they realized that they weren’t going to escape with their lives was immensely gratifying.
Just as I prepared to release myself to oblivion, a blue notice screen suddenly appeared before my eyes.
Huh. That was unexpected.
[Congratulations Lord Kyler Stragos!] the sign told me.
[You have successfully corrupted the holy artifact, Spear of Dawn (replica.)]
Had I? Well, how about that. A final feather in my cap at the conclusion of a long and mostly satisfying existence. The sudden appearance of this screen didn’t bother me very much. When you’ve been around for as long as I have, it’s not difficult to adjust to unexpected things.
[For your success, you will be rewarded accordingly!] said the screen.
I would? That seemed unlikely, considering I was seconds away from exploding.
[See you soon!]
Okay, whatever you say, status screen. However brief our acquaintanceship, it was a pleasure meeting you.
“Let go of it!” screamed Sophia as our final moment came. “Let go!”
And that was exactly what I did.
I let go.
I’m pretty sure I took the entire castle with me.
Heh, stick me with a spear, will you? Serves all of you right.
And now darkness.
__
Followed by confusion.
When I opened my eyes, the back of my head exploded with pain. Not a literal explosion; I’d already done that earlier. No, I just mean that I was experiencing a dreadful headache. I gingerly placed the palm of my hand against the back of my skull and was surprised to see it covered in red when I examined it.
I had a head-wound.
But since when could a vampire lord suffer a lasting wound?
And while I was asking questions pertaining to my current situation, why was I also naked?
And also, alive?
That was the biggest surprise of all. I could feel my heart beating wildly in my chest. I was also breathing in air, not because I was merely filling my lungs to project my words to someone else's ears, but rather, it was because I needed to circulate oxygen throughout my bloodstream in order for my internal organs to function.
This was so wild! I’d forgotten what having to breathe felt like! I felt so...human!
But my enjoyment of these novel sensations aside, what precisely was happening here?
To my left appeared four small, ugly-looking beings with scabrous, mottled green skin, wearing rotting loin cloths and bearing old, rusted weaponry. They grinned wickedly as they approached me. I’d never seen anything like them before, but their ill intentions towards me were clear.
“I’m new here,” I said with a boy’s unsteady voice. “I don’t suppose you’d be willing to guide me to the exit?”
Instead of answering my question, they laughed nastily in reply and encircled me.
Okay, I'm just going to assume that was a no.