Hi- I’m a single mum of 2 in the UK. Basically- my rent has been increased and I’m paid a month in arrears. I don’t have enough to make the short fall with my son’s birthday being in 2 weeks. Can anyone help pls?!?

Christmas, birthday, Mother’s Day, it doesn't matter. No one has ever bought me yarn despite it being on my Christmas list every single year. I don't know if the people in my life are intimidated by picking something out or if they are scared that I won't like it. It sucks because I don't care what kind of yarn it is; I can turn any yarn into something awesome. I hate being gifted useless crap from Wish I will never use. I'd rather get a $5 skein of yarn.
I know it sounds entitled but it's frustrating. I'm always knitting things for other people because I love them and I want to show them they are worth all the time I put into the project. I want to make things for me using the yarn I was gifted so every time I use the f.o. I think of them.

To make a long story short, we (my girlfriend(23) and I(24)) obtained a female runt kitten (Rice ❤️) from an outside litter and started to take care of her. It’s been a couple weeks, she was doing good enough, yet not really growing. We accepted a dogsitting job across town, and asked some family to help with Rice. They did a wonderful job, took great care of her and sent updates, and we’ve been stopping by to check up.
They had to leave for a few hours, nothing unusual at all, and I stopped by to check up and feed her as well as our adult male cat Caesar. I went to our room to find she had passed in her box, stiff as a board. I tried for a good 20-30 minutes to revive her, to no avail.
I ended up deciding to put her in a small cardboard box and bury her out in the woods where she was originally found, but I’m paranoid I may have done that wrong, and I just don’t want her to be disrespected. If you have any advice please let me know; I want her passing to be as respectful as I can make it. She was nothing but happiness for me, so it’s the absolute least I can do.
This is my first genuine experience with pet loss, and I’m more emotionally confused than anything. I’ve cried more today than I have in a long while. I’m unsure how to process these feelings, or even if what I’m feeling is justified. I miss her so much, and I wish more than anything that I could’ve been there for her. Any words of advice you guys have would be wonderful.

I sit alone in my room on the seventh floor, writing what will surely be my last will and testament. The heroin which allowed me to forget and to sleep for the last couple of years has lost its power to keep the screaming terrors away. The drug destroyed my body and mind, gradually eating away at them like a corrosive acid. Now I have become a slave to it. And yet, without it, I do not sleep for weeks, but instead continuously see the scenes from that terrible night running through my head on repeat as worsening waves of madness crash on the shores of my consciousness.
In the caverns under the town of Frost Hollow, I found the meaning of true madness. Ever since I escaped that den of horrors, it is difficult to tell what is real and what is only the feverish delirium of an unhinged mind.
Even now, they wait behind the door to this cheap, bare rented room. They drag their claws over the wood. I hear them hissing in that strange, ancient tongue, the one I first heard in the tombs of rock that had been undisturbed for countless millennia.
***
I had first heard rumors of an unexplored cavern from my friend, an experienced caver named Sonia who had explored caverns all over the world. I had been looking for some excitement in my life, some break from the constant monotony and boredom of simply working and sleeping. I had gone caving quite a few times over the year leading up to the trip, but I was not nearly as experienced and had never explored a supposedly virgin passageway of cavern before.
“How do you know no one’s gone down there?” I asked, curious. We sat across from each other at a local diner, getting some early breakfast before our planned descent. The sunrise was still another half-hour away, the sky flat and dark. We would be joined by Sonia’s husband, Phil, who would meet us there shortly after sunrise. I repressed an urge to yawn, chugging half of the steaming hot coffee in one long swallow. Sonia leaned close to me, her nearly colorless blue eyes reminding me of chunks of ice floating down a muddy stream.
“Phil’s friend just found it randomly,” she whispered before glancing around conspiratorially, as if she feared someone would care enough to eavesdrop on a conversation about a cave. “Well, it’s in the middle of a farm, and Phil’s friend, Jack Graysole, owns the entire property and surrounding woods. Jack says he noticed the cows kept going over to a certain spot in the field when it got really hot during the summertime. They would all gather around this little indentation in the grass. After seeing it a few times, Jack got curious and went to investigate what the cows were doing.
“He found a small hole in the ground, almost entirely covered by weeds and grass. He said he felt a cool breeze constantly blowing out of the hole, a breeze that smelled like burning matches and charred metal. After bringing out some shovels and digging down a couple feet, Jack realized that the hole wasn’t a hole at all, but the beginning of a steep passageway leading deep into the bowels of the earth.”
***
The owner of the land decided to unofficially call the newly-discovered cavern Graysole Caverns. Out of respect for him, this is also the name we all used. This is the story of how I found myself in the bowels of a strange subterranean tunnel, a tunnel where creatures beyond my comprehension slunk and hunted, skittering monstrosities who would be more at home in a nightmare.
After grabbing a couple coffees to take with us, Sonia drove over to Graysole Farms. Cows stood out in the grassy fields, huddled in tight circles as they repetitively chewed. The thin silhouette of Jack Graysole waited for us next to the herd. He had a face like a raisin, I thought to myself. I watched his thin, shaking body standing in the middle of an overgrown grassy field. Jack stared down blankly at something only he could see. Sonia and I started unloading some equipment from the car while we waited for Phil.
Once we had the backpacks loaded with some simple supplies, such as water, food, headlamps, rope, a couple extra batteries, some buck knives, and radios, we headed over to accompany Jack. We weren’t taking much, as we didn’t really expect to be down there for more than six or seven hours at the most.
Jack Graysole’s withered old face was as slack and expressionless as that of a corpse. He stared down at the ground as if he were in a trance, waving back and forth slowly on his feet like a plant in a light breeze.
“Jack?” Sonia called out as we approached. I could hear the man’s teeth chattering as we got nearer.
“Hey, what are you doing over here this early? You interested in accompanying us down there?” Sonia joked. But Jack might as well have been totally deaf for all the reaction he gave. Sonia glanced over at me with an anxious expression. I wondered if the old man was having a stroke.
I quickly walked over to where he stood, staring down at a black circular hole about three feet across directly in front of his feet. The entrance to Graysole Caverns stared up at us like a sightless pupil. As I drew within a few feet of Jack and looked straight into his blank eyes, I noticed something alarming.
His pupils were quickly dilating and constricting before my eyes. They would shrink to tiny pinpoints, then, a couple seconds later, rapidly expand until they became dark and serious. I could see his thready, rapid heartbeat pulsating in a vein on the side of his temple. Alarmed, I reached forward and put my hand on his shoulder.
Instantly, he came to life, like a man waking up from a nightmare. Shrieking, he looked at me with fully dilated pupils, reminding me of a panicked deer surrounded by wolves. His quavering old man’s voice shook with ineffable existential horror and mortal fear.
He took a step back away from us, seeming to realize where he was and what he was doing. He looked around, confused, then straight at me and Sonia. His eyes focused with anger and fear, as if we were demons here to drag him down to Hell. His eyes flicked back and forth between us constantly. Jack raised a trembling hand and pointed it straight at my heart.
“It’s you,” he said, his voice dropping to a harsh whisper. His teeth chattered despite the warm spring air. His skin looked deathly pale. “You’re the one who will bring an end to humanity, who will release the ruler of nightmares upon us.” He continued to point accusingly for a long moment at me, his face turning chalk-white. Then his eyes rolled up in his head. Slowly, he stumbled and fell backwards onto the soft grass of the field.
“Jack!” Sonia cried, running over to the old man. Jack’s breaths had started to come in slow, drawn-out gurgles, like a man with a slit throat trying to breathe. Frothy blood bubbled from his lips as they turned blue. Staring up at the endless expanse of cloudless sky, he exhaled one last shuddering breath and died.
***
Phil showed up only a couple minutes later. He found me and Sonia in a state of utter panic, both of us bent double over the still body of Jack. Sonia was on the phone with 911, and I was trying to give Jack chest compressions. The way his fingernails and lips shone with that cyanotic blue cast made me feel sick and weak. I knew it was futile, that I was simply playing with a corpse at this point, but I didn’t know what else to do. I felt if I didn’t do something, I might explode.
I heard the faint wailing of sirens approaching as Sonia’s panicked voice continued babbling to the 911 operator. Phil stood by her side, his tall, dark features searching and lost.
“Oh God, I think he’s dead!” Sonia cried over and over to the operator, as if she thought the operator could do anything about it. I didn’t hear what the operator said in response. As the ambulance pulled in, I gave up on chest compressions. I stood up and took a step back, looking sadly down on the kindly old man’s dead body.
The paramedics ran over. Phil, Sonia and I stood back while they worked on the corpse, trying to shock the heart back into life. But Jack’s open eyes stayed glazed as they stared sightlessly up into eternity.
***
The paramedics left. A couple police officers stayed behind to ask us a few routine questions. Eventually, after an hour or so, they left, too.
“What a fucked-up day,” Phil said, shaking his head grimly. “Do you guys still want to do this? Maybe it’s an omen from God telling us to go home.” Sonia and I exchanged a glance, then we both nodded at the same time.
“Definitely,” she said. “It’s sad what happened to Jack, but realistically, we don’t know what’s going to happen to this property now that he’s passed away. It might get sold or taken by the bank for all we know. This could be our one and only chance to explore this cave.”
“I don’t believe in omens. I’m still down,” I said, feeling slightly sick from the experience. I still remembered how Jack’s body had cracked under the weight of my chest compressions, how his ribs had snapped like bones shattering in greedy hands. “We’ll do it in memory of Jack. I plan to put this up on YouTube.” I pulled my GoPro out of my bag, turning it on. Phil groaned at that.
“Do we have any idea how far down this cave goes?” Phil asked. I felt a sense of relief now that the topic had changed from the death of the old man.
“I sent a little camera down on a rope, but it only went about a hundred feet,” Sonia responded. “It’s pretty steep at first, then it levels out. I couldn’t really see much after it leveled out, but it looks like it should be easy to climb down. There’s plenty of handholds, lots of jutting rocks.”
Phil put on his headlamp and small pack. As he crawled down into the hole, his tanned face looked up at us and gave us one last devilish grin. Once he had gone down a few dozen feet, Sonia started descending. She looked excited and happy. I noticed how she couldn’t stop smiling as she disappeared from view.
I watched their lights grow smaller and dimmer in the circular tunnel. I marveled at how perfectly circular the entrance was. It almost didn’t even look natural.
Taking a deep breath in, I followed my friends down into the dark.
***
“This isn’t too bad,” I said as I climbed down. The jutting rocks gave plenty of handholds and footholds for us. It wasn’t so tight that it felt like a coffin, either.
“It only gets easier from here!” Sonia called up.
“How do you know?” I asked. “You said you’ve never been here before.” She laughed.
“I know. Probably just wishful thinking,” she said. Far below us, Jack’s voice drifted up, faint and weak. He had already reached the bottom.
“The tunnel really opens up down here, guys,” he called. “It’s somewhat… bizarre, though.”
“What do you mean by that?” Sonia asked. I looked down, seeing Sonia and I would reach the bottom in seconds. “Forget it, I’ll let it be a surprise.” I heard her drop down. Slowly and carefully, I lowered myself down the last few feet. There was a short fall onto a smooth granite floor. I looked up, seeing what Phil and Sonia were so mesmerized by.
“Oh, wow,” I said, speechless. I blinked rapidly, wondering if the image would clear like a mirage. The tunnel was cut into a perfectly triangular shape, each side about seven feet long. The ceiling met in a point above our heads.
All along the smooth walls of gray rock, I saw thousands of black orbs peeking out. They looked similar to obsidian, but they were perfectly smooth and circular, each about the size of an orange. They were formed into interlocking diagonal patterns and followed the tunnel straight down as far as the eye could see.
“What is this place?” Sonia asked, taking a tentative step forward. I looked up, seeing the distant pinpoint of sunlight far above our heads. Our voices continued to echo off down the massive tunnels, disappearing in eerie waves into the thick curtain of shadows.
“Are you recording all this?” Phil asked me. I laughed, giddy.
“Of course! This is internet gold right here,” I said. “No one’s going to believe that this isn’t man-made, however. I can’t even believe it. Do you think Jack was playing a joke on us or something?”
“Jack had the sense of humor of a wet paper towel,” Phil whispered, shaking his head. “No, he wouldn’t do something like this.”
“Well, let’s go check it out,” Sonia said, taking a step forward. Her headlamp bobbed up and down rapidly, throwing dancing shadows through the triangular tunnel. It continued straight ahead, without the slightest deviation or curve, disappearing off into a dark point in the distance.
***
We walked as fast as we could, excited to see where, if anywhere, the strange tunnel led. Phil, always the conspiracy theorist, babbled excitedly.
“This has to be aliens, man,” he said, running his fingers through his dark hair. “I bet that scientists will find out this shit is millions of years old when we get back up and tell everyone. Maybe aliens came to earth in ancient times and made a bunch of stuff underground.” Gradually, as we walked, I noticed the tunnel opening up. The pointed triangular ceiling rose up higher above our heads and the walls moved outwards, as we were walking up a triangular funnel. At first, it was so subtle that I didn’t believe it when Sonia pointed it out.
“No, look,” she said, raising her hand above her head. “When we first started down this weird tunnel, my fingers were only maybe a foot away from the top. Now it’s a couple feet.” I was about to respond when our headlamps illuminated something standing in the middle of the tunnel.
“What the fuck is that?” I whispered, stopping cold in my tracks. Phil and Sonia looked up at the abomination at the same time. Its back was to us. It stood nearly as tall as the tunnel, which was now about twenty feet high.
The bottom half looked black and spidery with dozens of long, jointed legs. A bloody, white spine rose out of the mass of legs. Inhumanly long, skeletal arms stretched out in front of it. Its face was pointed away from us, but the back of its head resembled an enormous pointed skull with deep fissures like the cracks of an earthquake running through the bone. The abomination stayed as still as a statue, and for a long moment, I wondered if we were looking at some macabre work of art.
Then, suddenly, one of its insectile legs twitched. A moment later, the other legs started jerking and twisting. There was a sound like bones shattering as it rose up to its full height, turning around to face us.
Its face was like something from a nightmare, melting and reforming constantly like dripping candle wax. I would see a black eye appear on its forehead, then a grinning mouth on its chin, then the features would get sucked back into the folds of melting flesh. After a few moments, two enormous eyes appeared on its face, dark and cold like craters on the surface of the Moon. The mouths and noses disappeared back into the dripping skin, and only the two lidless eyes remained, emanating a cold, reptilian consciousness beyond the ability of my mind to comprehend. I felt terror radiating from its body like freezing waves.
“Free me,” it cried in a gurgling voice that seethed with insanity. It had a shrieking, metallic ringing behind every word that gave it an alien quality. “Free me, and I will give you the waters of eternal life. Within me, I contain the seeds of immortality. Within the nightmares, we live forever, always together, never alone.”
“Who are you?” I asked, terrified. The black reptilian skin of the enormous beast glistened as it knelt down, its massive face drawing near to mine. A sideways mouth burst out of the liquified flesh, showing hundreds of fangs growing like tumors from its white, bloodless gums. The fangs varied in size from only a couple inches to long, sword-like projections that stabbed into the creature’s flesh, causing white blood glittering with rainbows to fall like raindrops all around me.
“I have many names,” it hissed, its thousand voices rising and falling in crashing waves of sound. “I was present at the beginning, when this planet was no more than dead cliffs and endless freezing oceans. Those holy ones who search for us, the ancient ones, call me Niralahoth.”
“How do we free you?” Phil asked, looking terrified. He held Sonia’s hand tightly.
“By letting me into your mind and body,” Niralahoth cried, shaking the cavern. “I was thrown down here, cursed and forgotten. I cannot leave this place of shadows within this body. But in the body of another, my consciousness can be free, and the seeds of new life can spread beyond this prison.”
“There’s no way anyone’s going to do that,” I said, my eyes widening as Niralahoth’s reptilian skull turned towards me in fury. “I mean, you’re asking one of us to give up our individuality, our lives, right?”
“I am asking you to become one with me and gain power undreamt of by mortals,” it cried. “I have within me the fountain of life, the waters that send death away screaming.” I glanced anxiously at Phil and Sonia, wondering if we would have to run.
“The answer is no,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, we can’t do that,” Phil said, backing me up. “But, anyways, I think our trip has ended. It’s time to turn around…”
“You will never return,” Niralahoth cried, skittering away from us. “If you will not accept salvation, then you must accept death.” Within seconds, it slunk away from us, backpedaling on its many skittering legs into the shadows.
***
All around us, a rumbling started.
There was a pounding that crashed through the rock tunnel, as if an insane blacksmith were hammering on a massive anvil. The ringing of crashing rock started off slowly, with a few stones smashing down around us with heavy blasts of sound. Within seconds, the cacophony sped up, rising into a constant stream of destruction. The black orbs were spinning in place all up and down the tunnel, their glossy obsidian surfaces flashing with sparks of blue light.
“It’s collapsing!” Phil cried, running back in the direction we came, holding Sonia’s hand as she tried to keep up with him. I could only stare for a long moment, not sure what to do. It seemed that the direction Phil was heading stood closer to total collapse.
“Wait!” I cried, but my voice was drowned out in the destruction all around us. I felt a rock smash into my shoulder, sending me down to my feet. I heard Phil give a scream of pain, then another stone came down and smashed into my forehead. I remember seeing everything spinning around me as the world went black.
***
I awoke to find my headlamp still shining straight up in the dusty tunnel. Large chunks of the tunnel had slid out of place and crashed to the stone floor. The granite chunks that had fallen looked unnaturally smooth, most of them in the shapes of cylinders or cubes and varying in size from that of an egg to that of a small car.
My head throbbed. It felt as if a tight belt of fire were wrapped around my temples. Groaning, I put my fingers up to my forehead. They came away slick with blood.
Slowly, I started pushing myself up on my feet. I was relieved that nothing seemed broken. I had a deep gash running from the center of my scalp down to my left temple and some shallower cuts on my shoulders and back, but I knew none of that was life-threatening.
“Sonia?” I whispered, my voice coming out weak and strained. I reached into my pack and found a bottle of water. I chugged it quickly in one long swallow.
“Phil?” I cried again, this time stronger. I heard a soft weeping nearby. Staggering, I followed the sound.
Sonia was bloody and covered in cuts and scrapes, sitting next to Phil’s prone form. I saw Phil’s right arm pinned under a massive slab of granite. His arm disappeared from the elbow down in a spreading puddle of thick, dark blood.
“Oh God, Max, I think he’s hurt really bad,” she wept. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly in his head, his face pale and bloodless. I looked down the way we had come, seeing the entire tunnel blocked by large slabs of stone, many with strange, black orbs peeking out like the lenses of cameras.
***
I don’t know how much time passed. My phone died after a day, and then we were counting the endless darkness in breaths and tears.
Phil swam in and out of consciousness as his arm putrefied and blackened around the crush site. After a couple days, Sonia and I agreed that something had to be done. We told Phil we would need to amputate his arm. He was half-delirious, but he came back long enough to understand us and nod weakly.
We made a fire with Phil’s pack, trying to find fuel to throw in it to get it roaring. As it grew, I saw one of the black orbs near the flames abruptly ignite, as if it had been covered in gasoline. Blue, almost colorless flames rose from its surface. We started throwing the small black orbs on the fire until it rose high in the air. I sanitized the buck knife with the flames and pulled a rope tourniquet tight around Phil’s arm. He was conscious but seemingly insane, talking to himself more than anyone else.
“How are we going to get the car started without a key?” he gurgled to someone only he could see. “We need to look around. It has to be here somewhere.”
“Phil, can you hear me, bud? We need to fix your arm. We need to get you out of this mess. OK?” I said as comfortingly as I could. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly, but they didn’t meet my own. I sighed and looked over at Sonia.
“Let’s do it,” I said, giving a grim nod.
I pulled the buck knife out, slicing quickly down through the flesh next to the tourniquet. His veins throbbed like fat worms as the blackened, necrotic skin split easily under the blade, releasing a rancid-smelling gas that hissed out of the wound.
I couldn’t believe how hard it was to slice all the way through the arm. It felt like I was stuck in that hellish task forever. Phil’s eyes rolled in his head as his skin turned the color of clotted milk.
“God, Jesus, make it stop,” Phil whispered over and over, exhaling ragged, pain-filled breaths. The blood spurted from the blackened, dying tissue all over the dust-covered cavern floor, covering my hands in its warm, slick embrace.
After what was probably only three or four minutes, but felt like hours, I had sliced all the way down to the bone. The infected tissue of his arm spurted great gouts of orange pus mixed with rivulets of blood. The hard part was over.
Standing up, I took my steel-toe sneaker and stomped down on his arm as hard as I could. Phil cried out in a powerful voice, as if all the agony and suffering in the world was contained in that one shriek. The bone snapped under my weight with a sound like a tree branch cracking. A moment later, Phil rolled away from the rock that had pinned me in place for so long. Something alien and spongy was shoved into my face, a mass of destroyed red tissue pulsating in time with a runaway heartbeat. At first, shell-shocked and revolted, my mind couldn’t comprehend that I was looking at the stump of Phil’s mutilated arm. I hardened my heart and forced the giddiness and madness to the back of my mind. The time had come to cauterize the wound.
“Sonia, give it to me,” I said with a tremor in my voice. I reached out a hand towards her, a hand stained with Phil’s blood. It looked as if I were wearing a wet, crimson glove. Sonia only stared blankly at me for a long moment, however. A surge of anger ran up my chest.
“Sonia, toughen the fuck up! He’s going to die if you just sit there!” I swore at her, hearing my deep, angry voice bounce around the caverns. Sonia pulled back, as if she were struck. Inwardly, I cursed having a woman as my only able-bodied companion in this situation. She was a competent enough caver, but what would happen if violence and blood came over us? What would happen if, or more realistically when, we needed to fight?
Grimly, Sonia leaned forward and yanked the burning black orb out of the roaring fire, handing it to me on the end of a buck knife that had just barely pierced its hard, strange exterior. The handle of the knife felt coarse and splintery under my filthy skin. I put it to the spongy stump of Phil’s arm. The stump twitched violently. Phil tried to pull away as black smoke rose from the burning flesh.
There was a smell like bacon sizzling. The searing meat of Phil’s arm blackened and crisped under the heat of the orb, which had become no more than a cylinder of glowing blue embers by this point. I felt simultaneously sick and giddy. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or vomit. I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of madness, that the stress and insanity of the experience had started to shatter my mind.
His eyes rolled back in his head and he appeared to go into a seizure for a few seconds. With a long exhalation of breath, he finally, mercifully, lost consciousness. It’s hard to admit it, even this close to the end, but a small, sick piece of me was jealous of Phil. Most likely, he would be dead soon, maybe within hours, while Sonia and I would slowly starve and dehydrate like animals over a period of weeks. I looked at her lithe body and soft skin, seeing the feminine curves of her hips and chest. She was a beautiful woman. I knew Phil to be a lucky man. At least, before this trip, he was.
I watched her body, wondering if I had what it took to eat her or Phil if I had to. Did I have an iron heart that would allow me to slice into my friends and consume their raw, cold flesh? Perhaps, by that point, it would be hunger and madness driving me forward, and I wouldn’t even hesitate. I shuddered at the very thought.
***
I fell asleep that night, having strange dreams of massive gods with melting faces sitting in judgment in a circle around me. We had very little food or water left. No one knew we were down here. Rescue was not coming.
When I awoke, I found myself alone. Phil had died from his injuries while I slept, the black streaks of septic shock spreading up his arm towards his heart. His eyes stared sightlessly up at the rock ceiling.
“Sonia?” I called out, my heart racing as I sat up. “Where are you?” My headlamp was growing dim. I looked in my pack, realizing I was on the last of my batteries. I saw a silhouette walking out of the darkness, the thin, pale form of Sonia. She was trembling badly.
“I saw them,” she said. “Niralahoth and its priests. The priests aren’t human. They look reptilian with sideways mouths and too many eyes.” She shuddered.
“Why would you do that?” I asked. Her eyes grew distant.
“You know we’re not getting out of here alive,” she said. “Not on our own. I wanted to see what it offered. It says that if we take a piece of its nightmare into us, we will gain the power to leave this place, that it simply wants to see the surface and spread its nightmares there.” I shook my head.
“Insanity,” I muttered. “We’d be better off dead.” Sonia nodded.
“My thoughts exactly,” she responded grimly. I didn’t realize what she meant until the next day, when I woke up and found her hanging next to Phil’s body, her tongue swollen and blue as it poked out of her cyanotic lips. And then I was truly alone.
***
Soon after Sonia committed suicide, the last of the batteries for the headlamp died. I had run out of food and had only a small sip of water left. I don’t know how much time passed in the darkness, starving and raving, following the tunnel by running my hands over the walls. I heard many things skittering in the darkness, and a few times, I heard the demonic voice of Niralahoth as it split and distorted.
“You are on death’s door,” it hissed. “Will you not drink from the fountain of life?” I couldn’t tell where the voice came from in the maddening blackness. It seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. I had lost nearly all of my sanity in that pit of shadows by this point. I tried laughing constantly to keep my spirits up, and when that failed, I simply cried.
“I’ll do it,” I wailed. “I’ll do it. Just let me see the sky again. Get me out of here, Niralahoth.” Everything went deathly silent all around me, then a laugh rang out like the grinding of glass.
In front of me, I saw a tornado of fire descending from the ceiling, surrounding the massive, spidery form of Niralahoth. It rose its skeletal arms upwards, as if it were Zeus calling down lightning. In the sudden brightness, I saw the fiery form of snakes slithering and centipedes skittering forwards in that tornado, each massive creature sculpted from flames in the spinning cyclone of energy. Niralahoth reached into the tornado of fire with its sharp points of fingers and plucked something small from it. The fire instantly dissipated. In its hand, I saw a tiny, swirling orb that looked like it contained a firestorm within it.
“The nightmare seed,” Niralahoth gurgled as it skittered forward towards me. I could only stare, open-mouthed and starving. I hadn’t slept for days, it felt like, and everything seemed slow and unreal.
In a blur, its skeletal arm shot out and forced the orb into my mouth. Despite the fire raging within it, it felt freezing cold. As it touched my tongue, it gave off a sensation like frostbite all throughout my mouth. I screamed and tried spitting it out, but it seemed to have a mind of its own. It started liquifying, dripping down my throat.
I felt something cancerous and sick spreading throughout my body, radiating out from my heart and stomach to every inch of it. I tried to scream, but it caught behind my teeth. I fell to my knees, clawing at my face as that insane, alien laugh continued resounding all down the tunnel. I fell unconscious and woke up under a beautiful sky in the fields of Graysole Farms.
***
Soon after, I realized that my life would never be the same. Everywhere I went, I could hear the wailing voice of Niralahoth. Behind the trees, I always saw skittering shadows, creatures with long, spidery legs that stalked me every day and night. I slept with every light in the house turned on, yet when I woke up, they would all be shut off, and I would find myself in darkness, next to something in the bed with far too many legs and a face that dripped like burning wax.
I sold everything I owned and tried to move far away, to give as much distance between myself and those cursed caverns as I could, but the nightmares followed me like a shadow. I realize what a fool I was in those ephemeral moments of madness. Sonia was much wiser than myself; I should have killed myself or died rather than allowing that thing inside of me.
Even now, I can feel it creeping through my heart, spreading through my blood. I feel it trying to crawl its way out of my throat, the thin, black legs peeking out at the back of my esophagus.
I only hope that, when I finally jump and feel my bones shatter against the concrete far below, I will kill whatever is inside of me. For I fear the consequences for the world if it were to escape.

Now that we’ve come down from the climactic high of Penelope (Nicola Coughlan) and Colin’s (Luke Newton) scintillating carriage ride, we need to talk about the other couple steaming things up in Bridgerton Season 3 Part 1: Anthony (Jonathan Bailey) and his beloved wife Kate (Simone Ashley). While the newlyweds don’t have a ton of screen time in this season of the Netflix hit, they make the most of it. Kate has deftly assumed the mantle of Lady Bridgerton while Anthony is a man consumed with one thought: to bone his wife. It’s honestly delightful to watch! Jonathan Bailey plays Anthony Bridgerton with almost unhinged levels of horniness for his wife in Bridgerton Season 3! He must make love to her all the time! Take her on her writing desk! Interrupt a conversation to dance — and kiss! — her in front of the ton!
The carriage ride might have been the most scintillating scene in Bridgerton Season 3 so far, but Anthony Bridgerton is the character most obsessed with sex, and I love it!
Bridgerton Season 2 offered fans of the Shondaland show something of a slow burn compared to what we’ve seen in Seasons 1 and, now, 3. Bridgerton Season 2 was a loose adaptation of Julia Quinn’s The Viscount Who Loved Me, a story about how in his quest to find the perfect bride, Anthony Bridgerton gets fabulously in his own way. Anthony decides that he is going to pursue the “diamond of the season,” Miss Edwina Sharma (Charithra Chandran). The problem is he clearly sprung on her spirited older sister, Kate. The two deny their feelings, out of concern for Edwina, and in doing so prolong their yearning. When the two finally do consummate their romance al fresco, it’s quick, illicit, and hot. But all too short.
Photo: Netflix
“Kanthony” fans may have eventually gotten the happily ever after they were looking for, but not the euphoric honeymoon montage that made Bridgerton Season 1 so popular. Sure, Jonathan Bailey gave us moments like Anthony being turned on by Kate’s scent, but the heartthrob really wasn’t able to let loose the character’s inner freak. Well, that is, until now.
Bridgerton Season 3 finds Kate and Anthony in the throes of newlywed bliss. The uptight Anthony of the past no longer feels the need to micromanage his family’s affairs, finally trusting Benedict (Luke Thompson) to fill in and sister Francesca (Hannah Dodd) to move about the marriage mart at her own speed. Instead, Anthony has a new mission consuming his every thought and that’s how much can he make his wife come. (No, but seriously, even Kate has to point out that most of his endeavors are for her pleasure and not to actually conceive an heir.)
What makes all of this so darn steamy and so incredibly charming, though, is Jonathan Bailey’s performance. Over three seasons, Bailey has mapped a journey for Anthony from grief to joy. When we spoke with him all the way back in 2020, ahead of the Bridgerton Season 1 premiere, Bailey not only opened up about how Edmund Bridgerton’s (Rupert Evans) sudden death left a void in Anthony’s life, but put him in a high-pressure position.

SEE ALSO

“At the age of 20, he not only lost his father, but became the head of a family. Suddenly, he had to be the surrogate father to a lot of his amazing siblings, and a sort of surrogate husband to his mother,” Bailey said. “He doesn’t have any space to make any mistakes. He’s making them under such high pressure. His self esteem just really suffers.
“I just want him to be okay. I want to see him smile. And I want to see him dance. Because he deserves the happiness afforded to other characters much earlier in their lives.”
What we get to see in Anthony Bridgerton in Bridgerton Season 3 is the culmination of that wish. Through his romance with Kate, Anthony has found the life partner who relieves that pressure gauge. He gets to smile. He gets to dance. He gets to make love to his beautiful wife whenever he wants, which is all the time!
Anthony vibrates with joy in every Bridgerton Season 3 scene we’ve seen him in so far. It’s not simply a guilty pleasure to watch him pounce on Kate, but a glorious conclusion to the story that Bailey has been devoted to since Bridgerton Day 1.
https://decider.com/2024/05/21/bridgerton-season-3-jonathan-bailey-anthony-horny-kate/?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter

Hey all. I was told about the sub by a kind redditor. I'm lost, and have zero support in real life, so I'm here in hopes of just finding people who understand I guess, or that will at least let me ramble.
I lost my daughter last week to suicide. She was only 15. She was such an amazing girl (there's pics in my profile). She was smart, funny, kind, beautiful, so artistic, a talented singer and dancer, and she was such a huge part of me. She was my mini-me. My other two look like my late husband, which is fine of course, but she loved throwing up that SHE was my little clone.
My kids have been through it in their short lives. I don't want to ramble too much about the past, but to sum it up, my husband passed away from complications due to the flu in 2017. I raised the kids alone since. I have all the kids in therapy monthly/bi-weekly, and we have a great open line of communication, or so I thought.
She was suffering in silence with problems at school. She was being harassed by a group of girls, picked on by a group of guys, and just couldn't escape it. She thought she found the way out. I wish she had told me. I just wish she had given me a clue. Something.
I feel like I completely missed all of this. I should have stopped it. I should have protected her. She told me afterwards that she didn't want to add any stress on me, and it broke my heart. I would have taken ALLLL the stress to save her. Gladly.
She survived her attempt for nearly 6 weeks, but she did major damage to her heart and other organs, and in the end, they just couldn't reverse it. I think that's made it harder for me. She was seeing that it was a mistake. She was seeing that there were other options. But it was too late.
How the hell do I move forward? What do I do? My other two kids are so broken, and I'm shattered into pieces. We have lost all our family, and most of our "friends" are staying away. I think they just don't know what to say.
I haven't even finished planning her funeral. Between the financial aspect, and just being mentally able to do it, it's taking a while. I keep having people ask, over and over, and I just want to scream. Part of me isn't even ready to say good-bye. I can pretend this is all a nightmare right now. Maybe I will wake up?
I lost my uncle to suicide when I was 16, so this isn't the first loved one I've lost senselessly, but he had medical issues, marital issues, and "real" problems. He was facing life in a wheelchair. My Emmie was facing a beautiful future. She had her whole life ahead of her. I feel like such a worthless failure of a parent.
Anyways, if you read this far, I'm sorry for all the words, but thank you for taking the time to hear me out. I know it's going to be rough for the foreseeable future, so I'm glad I found you guys.

I’m in mid 30s female ever since covid hit, pressure of child care and loneliness is too much living abroad. Also weather in canada is terrible so I want to move back.
Things I worry are 1. Aging I get shoulder pain a lot and severe pms. 2. Parents getting old and not having any time to spend with them. 3. Fear of death of parents. I’m scared since my friend’s mom died recently. 4. Communication issues within our marriage. We are not compatible but we adjust a lot and move on.
But my husband is against moving back coz his dad is an asshole every time we go for a visit his dad creates dramas. 1st visit he took my husband car for free, second visit he told him to just bring our child without me as he hates me as we eloped and third visit was drama about brother wedding. 4th visit was drama about me not going to their house directly so he didn’t wish my kid for his 5th birthday. Also my fil has shamelessly asked for 1400$ for his brother’s wedding and got 2000$ for farm work and asks money but treats my husband like he deserves respect and tries to boss over my husband in the name of guilt trip saying u left us and eloped with ur wife that happed before 10 years.
I came to canada just to make some money and explore the country I was 23 wild and young. Now I miss my country a lot.

I’ve posted about my situation a few times here, but the long and short of it is my girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me about a month ago. In my mind, the breakup was fairly unexpected; I had a few job commitments that took me out of the country, and led to us being able to spend less time together than usual in the months leading up to the breakup. Still, I felt secure enough in our relationship to the point I thought it was an obstacle we’d overcome together, as we had done before in the past.
During the conversation that led to the breakup, she said she had found herself gradually losing feelings for me, and wanting the opportunity to be single to learn more about herself. This was all fresh for me at this point, so I asked her if there was any hope for reconciliation. She indicated she didn’t think it was likely, as she had been feeling this way for months.
She then went into a sort of “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. She assured me I didn’t do anything wrong and that there wasn’t anything I could’ve or should’ve done differently. In her own words, her previous partners were absolute scum (physically/emotionally/sexually abusive, unfaithful, etc.) so she said that she cherished me for being the first man to show her that pure and unconditional love really does exist. She added that how good I was to her made it all the more hard to go through with this, and that she wishes she felt different.
I truly didn’t want to, but I knew that for both of our sakes, we’d have to enter a period of limited/no contact. She was understand and supportive of this. I’d say this lasted for about 10 or so days until she reached out to me to clarify that while her feelings for me had diminished, they weren’t completely gone, and that she’s given it a lot of thought and would be open to the possibility of reevaluating trying again in the future. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have clinged to this or let it give me as much as hope as I did. But I responded to say that I was glad she felt that way and would also be willing to reconsider things down the line.
This was about 3 weeks ago now, and it’s been radio silence ever since. She, her family members, and friends have all since removed me from all social media, and have deleted every trace of me from the last few years. It feels like an absolute 180 occurred here.
I don’t know why she reached out to say those things only to then go and stand firmer on her decision. Maybe it was a moment of weakness on her part and she was feeling conflicted or confused. Maybe she was trying to let me down easier.
In any event, I wish she had been more transparent and straightforward with me about where she stood instead of this back and forth.

Anyone that’s followed my posts on here knows that this hasn’t been easy for me.
Hell… it’s not easy for anyone. Not a single one of us were prepared for what we’re going through and know how to go about it.
Personally it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever went through and it’s still not really letting up. It’s not easing up because it’s either the next “last” thing or it’s the first thing “new” thing.
As an example my kids and I just met my wife’s girlfriend and her kids for the first time a few days ago. I was not looking forward to it, dreaded it for weeks as the days counted down. As we got closer to the destination where we were meeting up my anxious tick of rubbing my fingers and thumb together started going crazy and I was nearly in tears because the trip there was the last I would see us as my old family and once we got there I would witness the start of their new family. (Just for context I was invited to come, not forced.) it was extremely hard. The girlfriend and I were both really nervous so we didn’t really speak but were polite and my wife and her were caring enough not to be super coupley in front of me because they didn’t want to make it any harder on me which I appreciate. It was very difficult but I made it through. And the girlfriend’s kids were awesome and our kids practically made new best friends with them. They even let me play with them and I got an unexpected hug and got to joke around with them. This isn’t what I wanted by any means but they included me in this new “first”, not in a hateful throw it in my face kind of way but in a “you can and we would like you to be involved in this” kind of way. I’m not being forgotten, I’m not being tossed to the side like trash. This is just how it is now but I’m able to be involved if I wish to be. I was even told about a conversation my ex and her gf had about gfs son when he grows older who’s going to teach him how to shave (I never actually thought about that before) and the gf asked my ex if maybe I would be willing to teach him when the time came. And honestly I think I’d be okay with that. Although the day really hurt and was really tough and I never would want anyone to go through this, it ended up being I think a success. I made it through, they were considerate of me, and the kids loved it.
But…… just the day before I blew out my voice because I had been made so angry I had to go for a drive to try and calm down and not explode around my kids. While driving I just started screaming and ended up ruining my voice. That was 4 days ago and it’s still pretty bad.
There’s bad days and worse days. And if you’re lucky every now and then there’s a good day. 7 months in people are finally coming out and quieting showing me support through texts and telling me their thoughts and hopes that I’ll be okay and saying they care about me. This whole time I’ve only heard support for her for the most part. It’s finally feeling like I haven’t been forgotten in all of this and what I’m going through is being acknowledged and I’m being told their proud of me for what I’ve done and how I’ve done it. It doesn’t fix anything but it feels nice to finally be seen a bit in all this.
And then today is my birthday. And I woke up with my youngest coming into the living room telling me happy birthday as I climbed off my couch/bed. I was given gifts by my family, my kids and my ex. And we’re spending the day doing some stuff together.
This post might seem like it’s all over the place because…. It is. And that’s the type of “journey” we’re going to have through all of this. It’s all ups and downs, back and forth, bad/baddeworst/ and hopefully some good here and there. It’s fucking crazy and doesn’t make sense.
But my main purpose of this post is that I want to remind everyone that everyone’s journey is going to be different. I think I’ve said before that my situation is unique in a unique situation. I’m not dealing with just a normal divorce, I’m dealing with a divorce where my wife came out as gay, and not only that but we had a good marriage were we worked well together and weren’t fighting, but also were trying to make this all work out and us still be best friends while being good for the kids. Not everyone’s scenario is going to be like mine, we have different goals, different endings, different path, and all of this with different people.
I’ve been told by many many people that I should pretty much burn my ex at the stake, take the kids and run, she’s the devil and is a horrible person, and whatever. That’s not necessarily my scenario or my/our goal in all of this so that advice doesn’t help. But in some cases for others that may be the advice that’s needed.
All this to say, do what is best for you in your situation. Do what’s best for yourself and your specific relationships. We’re all in this together but remember we are all in different places coming from different unique situations in our unique situations.
I know I’ve got ALOT more pain still to go through, I’m not past all of this yet. I have a lot more new “firsts” to navigate. Come tomorrow I might be back on here crying.
But that’s okay.
And it’s okay for all of you to be crazy and feel different every day/houminute/second.
Try and be kind and patient. It’s a lot easier said than done but just keep trying.

Remember this is very volatile. I got in and I had 5,000 shares at 04 cents. I had no idea about meme stocks or any of this b******* I really just like the name and bought some. I was down like $800 and it recently popped last week to like $0.60 I was like oh my gosh I'm rich so I sold some and made my money back. I literally sold 2,000 shares at like $0.60 or something and felt happy....
I want to remind you guys to stay happy and do what's good for you. Lot of people got burned on the gme craze and the people like roaring Kitty are millionaires. You see some of these people buying $11,000 12,000 shares at a dollar or two dropping 10 12 g's at once. I would say 95 to 99% of the sub is not in that level . As we seen in the previous posts most people are getting 50 100 shares thinking it's going to pop to 100 to a thousand.
Trust me it's not going there anytime soon and if if it gets to even $10 $15 you're going to see such a mass sell-off that is going to tank back down to $0.05 mark my f****** words. Please don't be a bag holder for these people saying holdel and diamond hands and you get stuck holding the bag for them.
People aren't here because they love the stock. Right? Can anyone tell me what's so good about the stock? What's good about the future? It's fundamentals. They're big projects, anything? Bullet bueller
They're here because they want money. I've asked several questions about why is this popping? What's so good about it? What do they do? I've got zero answers. The only thing about this is it's a short squeeze so they're going to bust the hedgies by getting all you retail investors to go into this. But guess what I've looked at it. This is all retail investors. There's nobody coming into this stock except for us so eventually someone's going to have to hold the bag for someone else's gains... I don't know about you guys but I'm here for money. I'm not here to hold bags. I'm not here for diamond hands. I'm not here for memes. I'm not here because I think the stock is so great and it's going to change the world. I literally had no idea about any of this. I wish I would have because then I would be selling those 5,000 shares at $4 on Friday for 20 grand and then buying in today. That's right. The big investors that can do this that are buying those kind of things. That's what they're doing. They're selling high and then later on buying the dips but then you guys buy the dips too and then it goes up higher and then they sell some more. Take profits then buy dips. Trust me anyone else is saying that not to do that either has a lot of money they don't care about or is lying

I have a birthday today 🥳
My narcissistic ex behaved badly the day after Valentine’s Day, so I left. I hoped he would change, and that’s what he was communicating to me. He apologized for his bad behavior (for the 1000th time 🤦🏻‍♂️), and I thought, "Well, you love him and promised never to leave him," so I struggled for weeks until he decided that his “narcissistic” traits and freedoms (hookups) were more important than me.
I was crushed and heartbroken because he was so mean and sarcastic, and put me through hell, but always insisted he would change and how much he loved me. For everyone out there - look for actions, not words!
After that, I sent him paragraphs explaining what he caused and how much he hurt me, only to get small or no response. So I cried and suffered, but then... I stood up (you can’t wear a crown with your head down) and I decided that never again will any man treat me with disrespect. I did nothing wrong and I deserve to be loved and treated with respect. The last time I saw him, I told him it was the last time he would see me.
Fast forward to the weeks after, he tried to “establish any form of connection.” NO REACTION from my side.
He blew up trips we bought - fine, I will survive (I felt very sad but didn’t show it to the public who knows him). He canceled my trip ticket shortly before my birthday even though he still had plenty of time ahead - fine, I wouldn’t have gone with him anyway.
So, I was very surprised when he sent me an email today congratulating me on my birthday and wishing me all the best, ending with “much love (his name).🤦🏻‍♂️”
To be honest, I would have preferred he not write me. He is blocked everywhere else, so the message was clear. I think he realizes that I was the good one and that finding a man like me could be difficult, but it’s his problem now.
Stay proud and be happy. We got this ;)

I know Gavin has talked about this in the past, but I the lack of development in pee-splash-back technology in the age of information is quite disappointing. This is brutally apparent in urinals, as the the amount of splash from peeing in a standing position results in unwanted mess everywhere. Here I propose a solution, a laminar flow urethra.
Now, you before you call me crazy hear me out. There is already an established precedent for genital modification, circumcisions are common in some places in the world and at least accepted in most places and they don't even provide any utility aside from cosmetics. This modification could be an optional upgrade package like door protectors for a new car, but for your urethra. Additionally, fixing the problem at the source (pee-hole) makes far more sense then trying to fix a splash problem in every toilet/urinal in the world. I know I wish my parents had opted for the "no-splash pee package" when they had my circumcision done. This solution is also gender neutral, as anyone with a urethra can reap the benefits.
I'm not sure if this technology already exists is some capacity, but I would imagine it would work like those fancy tea pots that pour so smoothly they create no splash. Someone has to step up and champion this advancement for all of humanity, and I can think of no better champions than the Regulation Pod.

I have a birthday today 🥳
My narcissistic ex behaved badly the day after Valentine’s Day, so I left. I hoped he would change, and that’s what he was communicating to me. He apologized for his bad behavior (for the 1000th time 🤦🏻‍♂️), and I thought, "Well, you love him and promised never to leave him," so I struggled for weeks until he decided that his “narcissistic” traits and freedoms (hookups) were more important than me.
I was crushed and heartbroken because he was so mean and sarcastic, and put me through hell, but always insisted he would change and how much he loved me. For everyone out there - look for actions, not words!
After that, I sent him paragraphs explaining what he caused and how much he hurt me, only to get small or no response. So I cried and suffered, but then... I stood up (you can’t wear a crown with your head down) and I decided that never again will any man treat me with disrespect. I did nothing wrong and I deserve to be loved and treated with respect. The last time I saw him, I told him it was the last time he would see me.
Fast forward to the weeks after, he tried to “establish any form of connection.” NO REACTION from my side.
He blew up trips we bought - fine, I will survive (I felt very sad but didn’t show it to the public who knows him). He canceled my trip ticket shortly before my birthday even though he still had plenty of time ahead - fine, I wouldn’t have gone with him anyway.
So, I was very surprised when he sent me an email today congratulating me on my birthday and wishing me all the best, ending with “much love (his name).🤦🏻‍♂️”
To be honest, I would have preferred he not write me. He is blocked everywhere else, so the message was clear. I think he realizes that I was the good one and that finding a man like me could be difficult, but it’s his problem now.
Stay proud and be happy. We got this ;)

I have a birthday today 🥳
My narcissistic ex behaved badly the day after Valentine’s Day, so I left. I hoped he would change, and that’s what he was communicating to me. He apologized for his bad behavior (for the 1000th time 🤦🏻‍♂️), and I thought, "Well, you love him and promised never to leave him," so I struggled for weeks until he decided that his “narcissistic” traits and freedoms (hookups) were more important than me.
I was crushed and heartbroken because he was so mean and sarcastic, and put me through hell, but always insisted he would change and how much he loved me. For everyone out there - look for actions, not words!
After that, I sent him paragraphs explaining what he caused and how much he hurt me, only to get small or no response. So I cried and suffered, but then... I stood up (you can’t wear a crown with your head down) and I decided that never again will any man treat me with disrespect. I did nothing wrong and I deserve to be loved and treated with respect. The last time I saw him, I told him it was the last time he would see me.
Fast forward to the weeks after, he tried to “establish any form of connection.” NO REACTION from my side.
He blew up trips we bought - fine, I will survive (I felt very sad but didn’t show it to the public who knows him). He canceled my trip ticket shortly before my birthday even though he still had plenty of time ahead - fine, I wouldn’t have gone with him anyway.
So, I was very surprised when he sent me an email today congratulating me on my birthday and wishing me all the best, ending with “much love (his name).🤦🏻‍♂️”
To be honest, I would have preferred he not write me. He is blocked everywhere else, so the message was clear. I think he realizes that I was the good one and that finding a man like me could be difficult, but it’s his problem now.
Stay proud and be happy. We got this ;)

This could be a long one. Or maybe it will be short, I don't know.
I am 24, turning 25 at the end of the year. Grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive household. Adoptee, orphaned at 11. I have now noticed that apart from depression and anxiety, I have been toxic and dysfunctional in my relationships (platonic and romantic). I have love bombed and put people on a pedestal without even knowing enough about them to categorize them as such important people in my life. I have had anger issues and had to apologize to my ex partners for outbursts that embarrassed them and was disrespectful. I have switched friend groups a lot because people have become distant towards me and after noticing it a few times, I just know when they are slowly removing themselves from my life and I do them a favor and isolate myself. No one has ever had a talk where they point things out and then proceeded to cut me off, but I think it is because they saw me as 1) cocky, arrogant, not teachable or 2) an adult that knows what they are doing - jokes on them, I did not. (Or third option, the mood swings that come with depression are not easy to handle for those around me. Everyone is pro mental health but also those struggling are often a menace. Anyways.) After leaving my abusive childhood home I felt “freedom” for the first time and went crazy! Too crazy, with no regards for others as I was feeding my inner child with all that she “missed” out on (attention, love, my own money etc.). I have created unnecessary drama by having two affairs with taken people. I did it out of insecurity and retrospectively, because I probably felt a high from them “choosing” me and did not understand that them choosing me was not a compliment. It’s not a case of having been outed on social media or so, more so, within my community I just notice people keeping me at an arm's length. When you post revealing pictures, dress a certain way, look for attention, post your partner (now ex) excessively (essentially trying to prove to the world how good the relationship is), at some point, people call your bs on how insecure you are and how much you base your self-worth on external validation and factors, how you have no sense of shame (not because you don’t care, but because you don’t know - low social awareness kind of thing). No one has come to me to call me out, but again, I am silently watching people be very careful with how they engage with me. And I myself have gone into isolation too. It’s frustrating as owning up to insecure, immature, toxic behavior does not mean it never happened. I have a severe fear of being seen/perceived now. "What if who they saw me as is who they'll ever believe me to be?" kind of thing. I am growing in self awareness at an age where I see many other people my age be further in their emotional maturity. I wish I was raised better. Good upbringing is such a privilege! I have been very childish in how I handled my reputation. Children don’t care for repercussions, I never did either. And yes I have found a therapist and psychiatrist on whose waiting lists I am on (but I am terrified to say the least as where I live I have to pay everything by myself and you guessed it - I don’t have good financial habits established yet and am scared to start therapy and possibly medication and not be able to continue treatment till I heal what is likely C-PTSD as these things are just highly expensive). Now that some enlightenment is happening, I am almost hopeless as if a potential partner did some searching, what they would find out could be problematic. These things did not happen at an age where I was a child, people actually expect me to be an adult. I am disgusted by myself and my former lack of integrity. I understand I find myself in a mess I single handedly created. This is a very short version of everything that has happened, that I did and so on.
How much hope is there really for me? I see a need to reparent myself, I would say I (obviously) was not raised very well under care and consistent love and have sought it in all the wrong places.
How do I undo life as I know it?
How do I come to terms with having to heal before I put myself back out there into the dating pool and even search for new friendships while I work on myself. I have been lonely for the majority of my life already and now that I know of my need to heal, I feel angry and sad that I may not be able to enjoy social connections for a while. Does that make sense? To protect others.
How do I accept that I can only heal from a place of self-love and self-compassion, not shame? I am currently in a severe depressive episode and already know that any doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist would probably focus on getting me to a stable mental state first. But I would prefer to go straight into learning new behavioral skills, healthy coping mechanisms and so on.. I feel like shaming myself into changing atm, which is funny as I want to stop pleasing people but am also changing amongst other reasons to be more likable by society?
How do I reparent myself joyfully? What can I do to enjoy this healing journey? Like seriously “re-raise” myself.
How do I forgive myself for the affairs (I’ve owned up to them to the women), the cringe oversharing, the skimpy outfits, the serial dating and so on? (without minimizing my home-wrecking)
How do I learn to trust myself, to trust that I don't f up any new relationship or friendship?
How do I measure when I am ready and healthy/healthier? What differentiates former red flags that turn into green flags from those that remain toxic, dysfunctional and so on?
Is it even possible to establish a sense of self and self-worth at my age? Should that not have happened by now?
What therapeutic modality would be best for me? Any therapists here by any chance? Can I even truly get rid of my baggage?
LOL: Men, would you date me based on what you heard lol? Given I have done “the work”. Please elaborate then what the “work” is. How do I redeem myself? I’d potentially also like to hear from the people that believe “people don’t change”. I’d like your view of things too if possible. Any comment and tip helps. Thank you so much.
Also: I newly found to Christ and would appreciate hearing from Christians too. From anyone really.
Please keep in mind that money is an issue unfortunately. I would love mentorship, therapy, to be surrounded by "elders" that can help me mature, are there any - idk- programs that are free?

I’m in mid 30s female ever since covid hit, pressure of child care and loneliness is too much living abroad. Also weather in canada is terrible so I want to move back.
Things I worry are 1. Aging I get shoulder pain a lot and severe pms. 2. Parents getting old and not having any time to spend with them. 3. Fear of death of parents. I’m scared since my friend’s mom died recently. 4. Communication issues within our marriage. We are not compatible but we adjust a lot and move on.
But my husband is against moving back coz his dad is an asshole every time we go for a visit his dad creates dramas. 1st visit he took my husband car for free, second visit he told him to just bring our child without me as he hates me as we eloped and third visit was drama about brother wedding. 4th visit was drama about me not going to their house directly so he didn’t wish my kid for his 5th birthday. I came to canada just to make some money and explore the country I was 23 wild and young. Now I miss my country a lot.

Me (25f) and my boyfriend (30m) have been together for roughly 2.5 years and distance from the very start. Since then we've managed to see each other rougly every 6 weeks but with both our financial situations being not great (I'm a full time student and we live in separate countries) it's generally hard to predict when we will be able to see each other, we very often say goodbye without a date for another meeting. At the moment I know we will be seeing each other in 3 weeks, then after 2.5 months apart we will be living together for 4 months roughly, during my semester abroad which he is joining me for. After that, we don't know when we will close the gap, but at some point after I graduate I guess, is the rough plan.
I've been struggling with my mental health, mostly with depression I guess, since before we met, and it's had a toll on the relationship. Conversely, the relationship has also had a toll on my mental health. Not being able to see each other, saying goodbye without knowing when we will see each other next, to him it isn't a big deal but to me it leaves me in bits for days after every meeting we have and I tend to pick fights while we're together because of the impending feeling of missing him and feeling bothered that he is so much more chill about this.
What makes it so much worse for me is the fact that my boyfriend isn't a caller, and I need calls to feel close. I've asked him many times to call me more often (in some kinder and in some decisively unkind ways, I'll admit), and his reply is that he doesn't think of it because it isn't his natural inclination (he doesn't like calls with anybody and is very introverted) but he will try, and basically that I should lower my expectations and be grateful for what we have, which is constant communication through text and sending each other things on instagram. It's true that we have very regular communication, we talk throughout everyday, say good morning and goodnight without fail, but for me this just isn't enough to feel the relationship closeness. He doesn't get it, and every time he says he would try, most of the time, he doesn't call me anyway. I'm always the one to initiate the calls, and every once in a while he will suggest a movie night or a study session over video call together but it's rare. He says that as it's something that is important to me and not him, I should be the one to make sure it happens.
The past couple of months have been particularly rough for me and I've been struggling a lot in the past weeks. I've been extremely depressed and having a really hard time coping, and I don't think he even realises just how hard it has been despite me telling him. Usually I'm not exactly happy to always be the one initiating calls but these days it's hard for me to even do that. I really am not well at all, and I wish he would be more supportive in this sense. We talked about it again today and he said he would try, but I don't trust that he will because it's the exact same thing he has always said and never done.
He is a lovely, caring and attentive person most of the time and I have no doubt that he loves me, but this aspect of our relationship is a real struggle for me and is making me feel worse in an already tough time. I've been crying almost every day for weeks and I wish I just had my boyfriend call sometimes just to have a short chat without me asking him to - I know it isn't his responsibility to take care of my mental health, but it would really make a small but significant difference to how I feel. I know you need to pick your battles in a relationship, but I fear letting go of this one will leave me in a place of feeling perpetually unhappy/unsupported for the rest of our long distance duration. I don't want to break up with him, but the fact is that right now the nature of the relationship is a rather large contributor to my poor mental state.
I'm not really sure how to approach this situation any longer, because I'm stuck between understanding that he simply doesn't enjoy calls and won't naturally do something he doesn't generally enjoy, but also being convinced that if your partner impresses upon you that something is important to them you should make an effort to do that thing, within reason (which I feel this is). I also feel guilty of asking him for more on the basis of helping my mental health as, as I said, it's not his responsibility, but again, the distance does make it harder to cope when you're already struggling.
Sidenote: I'm not currently in therapy but will be starting in a month or so.