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My sister was suppose to be my mom's caretaker. Over time though, my mom has had more and more workers come into my sisters home to take care of her. Now my sister does nothing. And her boyfriend does most of the work to take care of my mom on the weekend when the caretakers are not around.
She complained of migraines for awhile and would go into the emergency room daily and ask for a specific cocktail of drugs. Now we wonder, where does she get her drugs? She has always been an addict.
My mom is not well and has a number of brain tumors that inhibit her thinking and she had a few surgeries where she wasn't given immediate treatment after and it made it difficult for her to walk. So she is a little cognitively disabled (my sister will not allow her to get a competency test).
And also she is obviously scared of my sister and has expressed multiple times how she is afraid of her temper.
My sister made her turn over power of attorney to her, from my older brother. She hates my brother with a passion for no obvious reason, she never really liked him. My brother hates her because she is manipulative, a liar and a drug addict.
I am on his side but I still pretend to be cordial with her so I am allowed to speak with my mom. I am worried she will block my number from my mom's phone if I am honest with her about how I feel.
I anonymously reported my sister for abuse but my mom lied and said she wasn't being abused. She feels like she has nowhere else to go but I tell her all the time she could come live with me.
I pretend to love her and tell her I am happy with her but I am also scared of what her temper and druggie friends might do if I confess.
My mom was in rehab for a minute there but we believe she was removed by my sister because everything we know about her insurance, the laws, etc say that she could have stayed as long as she needed. She is now home again and I am thinking of getting her additional caretakers for the weekend to help her rehab at my sisters house.
There is 1 problem with this though. My sister's boyfriend has a son that was recently shot by someone that "owed him 20 dollars that he went to collect on" and he is rehab too. When they bring him home, my mom told me the house will be crowded and may not have room for her to practice walking which she desperately needs as she cannot currently walk without assistance.
She will not come live with me. She cannot, feasibly move out on her own, and there is nothing I can do but either give it up and watch her waste away or just stew about it.

I (24F) suspect my close friends Jane (22F) and Mike (25M) are in a relationship with each other, but I'm not sure of it. I had my suspicions, but I always just chucked it up to them being comfortable with each other, but recent events have brought things into perspective.
For context, Mike and I became friends at the start of the first semester in our 3rd year of college. We are in the same major (same as Jane), and we bonded over some 2nd year courses we both had to retake due to some issues. Mike and I have become good friends since then. Our rented apartments are a short walking distance apart, so sometimes I go over to his during exams so we study together and share notes and texts, and other times I just go there to hang out and chill with his flatmates, and vice versa. I stay alone, though. At the time, neither of us were close to Jane; I wouldn't call us friends (with her), but there was also no enemity or anything; we just casually exchanged greetings whenever we bumped into each other or when we met in class.
Jane and I had always attended the same church in college, but like i said earlier, we weren't friends, so we always exchanged hello's and hi's, and that was it. I just knew her as one of the smart/intelligent ones in class. We were both appointed as leaders in different departments in our 4th year, despite the fact that we both didn't want the positions. We bonded over our mutual feelings of how wrong it was that the positions were forced on us even after we voiced out that we didn't want them. Naturally, hello's and hi's progressed to longer conversations, and we realised we had some similar interests and views on certain topics like relationships and marriage, and we also live in the same state and are not that far apart either.
She usually talks about how she can't picture herself in love or in a relationship with someone and usually cringes at display of love, when the topic of relationship comes up or when she sees people gushing about their boyfriends. I found it contradictory since she reads a lot of romance novels, but then there are folks like that. On some levels, I related to her feelings, but I'm not as averse to them as she was. In her words, she said, "It's hard for me to like somebody in a romantic way; I've only ever liked one person, and it didn't last that long." She is not the type to go out of her way to cook or join in meal prep because she doesn't like cooking and finds it stressful, which was something else we bonded over.
Jane and Mike connected through me since I'm almost always with Mike in and out of school. He is naturally a free and friendly person so it didn't take long for them to get close, and so it began: our trio's friendship. We would walk back home together, talking about random things or something related to school. Jane's flat is also not so far from ours, so chilling at each other's place wasn't rare. I still remember the first time Jane wanted to go over to Mike's place. She asked me to come along with her since she was new to the group (by group, I mean including Mike's flatmates) and felt awkward. All we did was just watch movies. That concludes the backstory
Fast forward to finals; we got really busy with projects, seminars, and exams. Naturally, there would be no time for hangouts anymore; at least that's what I thought, but Mike and Jane still had solid communication almost every day and met up quite often. which is why i didn't think much of it when i started meeting up with them again and I noticed the dynamics had changed since i was M.I.A. for while, I was under a lot of pressure that period so i was really focused on school. Now they are done and just waiting for graduation, but I still have some exams to take. Recently, she has been hanging at his place a lot more than before with her younger brother, who recently got into the school.
My reason for making this post is that last Saturday was Mike's birthday, and he asked me to come over for a little get-together of friends. It was really fun. After eating, we cut the cake, and he thanked us for coming. Then everyone was just dancing and having a good time. Eventually, the fun began to fizzle out as it was getting late and people had started leaving. When I was ready to leave, Jane said, "Let's see you off." Then she and Mike followed me out of the apartment, and as we walked, there was this awkward silence that lasted for a minute, which is unusual. I felt out of place, like I wasn't supposed to be there, so I decided to bring up the games they played during the party so we could talk about something instead of the awkward silence that hung in the air, and that was all we talked about till we got to my place and they both went back. There are other things I've picked up on, but this one is the most glaring to me because it has never happened before.
I've been thinking of asking Mike about it, but I don't know if it'll come off as me prying, but I feel like I need to know so I can be self-aware about giving them space or privacy whenever they are together. Some other signs are when she'll want him to support her when we have a disagreement on a topic or when she comes to his defence whenever I'm teasing him about something. She always does it in a she-and-him-against-me kind of way, which I find very odd considering that we are supposed to be friends?. Another sign was the fact she helped with the cooking prep for the birthday and doing the dishes, both things she always firmly says she wouldn't do unless she had to, like when her mom says she should or at her own apartment. Any advice will be really helpful.

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Hi everyone!
Likely the most common type of post in this sub is asking for guidance about what current/upcoming characters would most benefit their account to pull. I've dipped into a few of these threads to offer what insight I have, but I feel like there are some basic principles that are easy to see once you've played for a while that are less obvious when you first start, and talking about those might help more people than handing out fish individually.
Disclaimer: I'm not a hardcore player. I don't whale (monthly passes and NH only). I couldn't recognize a damage simulation calculation if it hit my mother. My main qualification to talk about this is being a person who has played every day since release, and since about three months after that, hasn't gotten less than max stars in every MoC/PF. I'm what I assume most would call a "successful casual" player. So if that's your current goal, I'm hoping I can help.
Second Disclaimer: YOU ARE HERE TO HAVE FUN, IF SOMEONE LOOKS COOL TO YOU, PULL FOR THEM. Everything below is for getting your account on it's feet as fast as possible, but ultimately the only factor in HSR is time. No matter who you pull, your account will have everything it needs eventually, and you WILL get all those stars. If you're in no rush, skip my post since it will only be as valuable as who-to-pull advice as /okbuddytrailblazer. Remember: If you aint mirin' your fun is expirin'

~-~Okay, but who should I pull??~-~

You're first priority should always be a powerful sustain unit.
Why?
Because with a reasonable investment, the 4* damage units on your team will do just fine (for now). Pulling a damage unit is tempting in the beginning because big numbers and flashy animations are cool (and listen, I know thats why we're all here), but you don't get to see those big numbers and animations if your damage dealer is dead. The biggest jump in the power and confy-ness of my account was upgrading Bailu to Fu-Xuan. Suddenly my team was surviing long enough to finish fights that seemed like close-calls at best a day prior. My damage was still middling, but at least I was surviving long enough to deal it.

"Okay, but what makes a sustain unit good? Aren't all limited sustains better than 4*/Bailu?"

While most/all limited sustains will broadly be better than 4*/Bailu, they are not all going to be equally valuable to an in-progress account. As of right now, pretty much all of the released sustain units are top tier and worth getting for new accounts, but as more are released, you're going to see units fit more into niches that are much more valuable to more established accounts that can take advantage of those niches, and much less valuable to new accounts that mostly just need to cover the basics.
"The basics" just refers to two things, mainly:

1. Can your sustain unit heal/block enough damage to keep your units alive?
2. Can your sustain cleanse/prevent CC effects that would hamper your team's ability to do their job?

So a quick breakdown of the current sustains and how they cover those basics:
Luocha

1. Potent single target heals with free casts, and potent off-turn healing means any damage that doesnt outright one-shot your team is healed back to full quickly and easily
2. His ability when triggered manually or through his passive, cleanses, allowing for quick reactions to CC

FuXuan

1. Extreme damage mitigation and small heals allow teams to easily survive all but the most punishing content
2. Once-per-cast ability blocks single or team-wide CC

Huohuo

1. Insane ability healing output, plus consistent off-turn healing keeps teams alive, albeit at an SP cost
2. Her ability's target, as well as all recipients of her off-turn healing are cleansed, making pretty much all negative effects complete non-issues.

Aventurine

1. High value shields that self refreshes if they survive long enough give comfy margins for even big incoming damage
2. Self-CC immunity plus reasonable CC resist on his shield mean your only real enemy is bad luck

Any of these units will make your main team feel near-invincible.

But what about upcoming sustains? Will they be just as good?

Maybe! We can look at the kits of some 4* sustains to see what more niche sustain kits may look like in the future:
Gallagher:

1. Fair healing output, but requires the injured party to attack or else costs 1SP to heal directly.
2. Cleanse on ability, but locked behind E2. Only on-turn, costs SP.
3. Break effect debuff on ult/EBA means synergy with teams that benefits from debuffs/BE.

Gallagher's sustain capabilities aren't much compared to the limited units'. But he has a place in teams that will benefit from his strong debuff, as they may not need as much healing/cleansing due to knocking-the-bajesus out of the enemy before they can attack. Valuable to someone with Acheron? Absolutely! Is he going to keep your level 40 QingQue alive long enough to kill the Deer? Probably not.

~-Okay, I have a plan to get a sustain, can I blow something up now?-~

Yes! But, just like sustains, there are going to be things to look out for to get the most out of your first limited damage-dealer.
1. Is your DPS going to struggle if the enemy is not weak to their element?

• Seele or JingYuan are great for on-element battles, but are going to struggle a lot more if the enemy is resistant to their damage.
  
• JingLiu and Acheron care a lot less about if the enemy is weak to their element, and much more about why they have the audacity to still be alive
  
• Look for future units that either bring their own weakness penetration, can implant their element's weakness, or deal damage that reduces toughness regardless of type
  

2. Is your DPS going to struggle because they lack an essential partner unit you don't own?

• DHIL is great, but without Sparkle/Luocha, is going to have to compromise a lot of his turns to deal 5 digit numbers, and like, who wants that?
• Black Swan is amazing, but a whole different level of cracked with Kafka.
• Look for units that act as their own support unit. Ultimates/Passives that grant high crit or penetration values make these characters much more forgiving to build and play in a wide variety of teams.

3. What situation is your DPS built to handle?

• Argenti is the PF Konami code, but probably isn't going to breeze you through MoC, or the SU modules
• Acheron/JingLiu/DHIL can can handle almost all content at least passably well, and where they shine they dazzle
• Look for units that deal with big health bars, but don't ingore other enemies. As of right now, Limited Destruction units seem to be skeleton keys for most content.

So are other DPS units not worth getting?

Every limited DPS unit in the game has a place and team that makes them amazing. Once your account is getting its full value out of the biweekly challenges, then the best value comes from building synergies.

~-Okay I have my damage dealer, and they're staying alive. Why are my numbers so much lower than the ones I see in screenshots and videos?-~

When you first start HSR, it seems like the real heroes are the damage dealers "WoAw That Acheron just hit an Ult for 850k!"
But did they? or was it the Silver Wolf and Pela standing behind her?
The real excitement now, is in the buffers/debuffers
Limited Harmony (and utility Nihility) units are the last piece to the puzzle. Not only will they give you screenshot-worthy damage numbers, but they have much more broad appeal to teams than other roles.
While certain teams want certain stats more than others, ultimately, stats are stats, and whether that means you're going faster, hitting harder, or getting more energy for ultimates, your DPS units will almost always benefit from a limited support unit.
There aren't that many of them, so lets talk about all of them and what makes them good.
1. Bronya

• Attack/crit buffs are great for most damage dealers
• More turns for the turn god. As long as you have the SP to fund it, giving your main units more actions is always amazing.
• More stats for the stat throne. Free dmg% just for existing, and SP generation with her cone are pretty universally useful. Self-action advance on auto-attack means even wasted turns aren't wasted.
• Speed tuning is not essential, but a great way to make Bronya even better when you get the opportunity to stop and fully invest in her.
• She's not even a limited 5* and she's amazing. That's how powerful Harmony units are
• Put her on any team with excess SP

2. RuanMei

• Truly uses the entire buffalo with no wasted stats at all. DMG% Penetration% and Break are desirable on pretty much every team, and she bring a truckload of all of them.
• Getting the stats to enable said truckload does require some time and effort, but once done, you have a unit that can fit in pretty much every team and make them that much better
• Break seems to be an upcoming focus akin to DoT or FuA, and she will be top tier in every one of those teams.
• Put her on any team that has other characters

3. SParkle

• Enormous single target crit buffs, action advance, and huge SP generation make for a near-universally useful hypercarry enabler.
• More forgiving with speed-tuning than Bronya, but with just as much room for big dividend payouts with investment
• Put her on any team that gets most/all of its damage from one source (Avoid DoT teams, unless they can crit somehow in the future)

4. Robin

• More hits, harder hits. Already hit hard and often? Hit harderer and oftener.
• Full team advance means more damage AND more SP generation while putting herself on the shelf and passively generating energy from the team.
• One of the easiest buffers to build, since her desired stats are basically just attack, speed and energy gen.
• Put her on any team that attacks enemies, the more attacks the better

5. Silver Wolf

• Tsunami of debuffs for teams with Acheron/Ratio.
• Great for teams that are generally underbuilt since she also weakens the enemy's atk and spd
• Enables off-element DPS teams, albeit one target at a time.
• Put on any team that needs to deal off-element damage, benefits from debuffs, or is only fighting one main target.

6. Harmony Trailblazer

• Everyone gets one!
• Likely top tier for future break teams
• Deals a ton of damage on their own, and allows the same for other non-damage dealers on the team.
• Only comes online during Break windows, but when pairs great with Ruan Mei for fastelonger break windows

~-I have a character for all three roles! Now what?-~

At this point, you should be able to capable handle at least one side of MoC/PF, and you'll want to shift focus to your second team, but this is much more open ended, so let just talk about some considerations that will make choosing new characters easier. Remember that ultimately your goal is to have teams that can reliably clear the biweekly challenges and SU modules.
1. Do you already have units that have synergy with the new units?

• You picked up Robin for general support use, but now have a top tier Follow-up buffer. So units like Topaz and Aventurine will be more valuable to pull in the future.
• While pulling for 5*s, you E6'd Pela. So units like Acheron, JingLiu, or DHIL have a great support waiting for them if pulled.

2. Do you have coverage for the weaknesses of your current teams?

• You have a great JingLiu hypercarry team, but you struggle to clear PF. Units like Argenti or Jade (Or Himeko from the 300 selector) will bring a ton of value and become invaluable in their current PF niche.
• In high MoC floors, your B-team keeps getting CC'd/dying. Getting your second sustain unit will not only make your B-team much more comfy, but also you'll be free to not pull another sustain for a long time, if ever.
• Remember that your A-team doesn't have to always stick together. If your buffers and DPS are clearing their floors quickly, move your sustain to your B-Team since they'll need to survive longer to finish their floor

3. Is a new unit going to require a ton of investment to come online?

• Some units are amazing, but are going to suck up your resources for a while until they fully come online. Hitting the Break threshold on Ruan Mei or Firefly might keep you from either getting the most out of them while you build up your other characters, or delay getting a full team until you farm a lot of gear.

~-TLDR;-~

• Pull for units you like
• Have a plan to get a Sustain > Damage Dealer > Support unit for your first team
• Focus more on broadly effective units early on while you're still building your teams
• Look for strong synergies with characters you already have
• Build outward from your current roster once you have one solid team built

Sorry y’all, I’m super long winded. I do a lot of thinking on the page.
So I’ve typed as an INFP for years now, and a lot of me still feels like an INFP (when you start comparing stereotypes between the XNFP types). But it’s only recently did I start to actually learn about cognitive functions did I realize I actually was an ENFP and all of a sudden things make sense. I feel like an oval block that I kept trying to fit into the circle hole, but now that I’m not trying to push myself onto being an INFP I just naturally feel like an ENFP, it’s honestly a weird feeling being fresh in that “mistyped for years” mindset. It was my high use to Te that made me start to actually question it, and learning more about inferior Si, it is me to a T.
So I’ve started to learn more about ENFPs, and there’s something that I’ve noticed. ENFPs are often characterized as loud party animals, always traveling, center of attention, large group of friends, I’ve even seen “ENFPs aren’t the ones who are bullied, they’re the ones who befriend the people who are bullied”. Just very big people-focused energy, constantly on the go and having new experiences, and able to just walk up to strangers and strike up a conversation.
And the other thing I’ve noticed, something people kind of say now and again, but it’s more just an observation I’ve made, ENFP behavior can sometimes seem like it’s just describing the behavior of an autistic, ADHD, or auDHD, individual. A lot of the behaviors don’t fit, but a lot of the others really seem to.
Now, for me personally, I’m autistic, have ADHD, crippling social anxiety, and memory problems. I’m also someone who’s just always kind of been an introvert, and I’m definitely a homebody who just prefers smaller expeditions every now and again but my bed and couch are my happy places.
My neurdivergencies and get-up-and-go energy level has lead me to question just where I fit in XNFP.
\ / \ / \ / the introvert/ambivert/extrovert section.
For one, I am not a talk-to-people sorta person. I stutter with the cashier then leave the store just second guessing every single thing I’ve said and done and how stupid I must have come off to everyone around me. Straight to the point of bordering paranoia where I will genuinely believe everyone is watching me and thinking negative things about me. So I stay home, I’m comfortable at home, I don’t really have friends just my bf, but I love him so much and I couldn’t exist to my happiest without his company.
I spend so much time with my bf just talking to him, texting him when we’re apart, I’m at the point I think he just wants to sew my lips shut 😂 I never shut up. I like doing little outings with him, like going to the zoo, a museum, or the mall. I enjoy these things on my own but then I’m trapped with all my thoughts, I much prefer if he joins me.
For me, it feels like if I don’t speak aloud or write down every single thing that crosses my mind I’m literally going to explode. It’s as if the world must bear witness to my thoughts or else they just don’t matter at all.
Additionally, I love when strangers just talk to me. I’m not living in the city anymore right now, but I miss the social interactions I had. Sitting next to a stranger at the bus stop and striking up a conversation about their awesome hair, hoping that someone on the bus has a dog so I can ask them about the dog. Occasionally half the bus would get in on the conversation about the dog and that’s just so fun. And I remember one night this guy, probably high on something, sat in the seat behind me and we just talked about the city since he recently moved there, I told him to visit the zoo, then we started to just talk about the psychology of primates and I loved that.
I’m not a social person, but I really appreciate those “I’ll never see you again in my life so here’s my life story while we sit on the bus” moments. I can set aside my anxiety when people genuinely want to open up to me. I’m still anxious, but I also just feel happy in those moments. I’m not the best conversationalist with strangers, but I put in the effort in those small moments.
And when I do have friends, always a circle of introverts, I’m also the one of the group who will be the one to speak up. “Uh, waiter, she actually didn’t order this”. Can’t do it for myself, but when advocating for others or for my group, I definitely can pull together the courage to speak up and I even enjoy it.
But I have so few social memories, because I’m usually just living in constant fear of the judgement of other people. I just keep to myself and stay home most of the time.
Heard that the stereotype is often ENFPs want to explore everything about the world and get out into it, but the flip side is that some ENFPs prefer their exploration to be through their mind. That’s absolutely me. Give me the option of a day on the town or ordering takeout and watching a 5 hour deep dive into an obscure corner of the internet we then can speculate on together, I’m taking the latter 9/10 times.
But it does still make me wonder “does this just make me an extrovert with social anxiety or am I just an introvert?” To the point I’ve even stopped considering myself an ambivert, and just let go of the whole idea of introversion and extroversion (as a social battery drain theory) even existing because I feel like for everyone it really is just situational. But the identity crisis part of my brain still has an incessant need to figure out “where do I place” even if it’s all just stressing me out.
\ / \ / \ / the auDHD section.
Despite the introversion tendencies making me feel isolated from other ENFPs, at the same time I completely vibe with it. But, a lot of what I relate to is also through my autism, my ADHD, my memory problems. And I know that every type can be diagnosed with any of these, but now it has me wondering stuff like “how would autism present in an ENFP vs in an ISTJ?” It also has me wondering just what is my cognitive functions, and what is my diagnoses?
I feel like they can fight me on an ENFP identity, such as making me an anxious social recluse posting long posts and comments to reddit to fuel that social need, but at the same time I think it also might amplify my natural characteristics.
Like, my Ne will drive my mind to wander and jump around, but then does ADHD put that on steroids? I also have a super hard time focusing and concentrating, which I’m assuming is not necessarily the base state of the ENFP. If they have to focus on something, I imagine they probably could without that nagging ADHD pull making you forget the task you’re literally currently doing to go and do 6 other things. As well, I wonder if my ADHD has any relation to just how much of a lazy homebody I am.
And the autism, well, autistics are quirky. Quirkiest people I’ve ever met. I’m definitely…. very different from most people. But ENFPs are also characterized as quirky chaos people, too. Does autism just give flavor to my already quirky nature?
And with memory problems, well, I can seem really stupid (and my bf would say helpless) in situations I think an Se or Si dom would excel at. I don’’t have much of a referential memory, I always just figured it was trauma (but hey, I can’t even remember to be sure), but learning about inferior Si really sometimes sounds like what I’m experiencing.
I just don’t exactly know what is just “normal” ENFP behavior, and what auDHD ENFP behavior is, or how it compares to the auDHD behavior of other types.
——
How do you separate neurodivergency from cognitive functions, and even more so, how do neurodivergencies play into cognitive functions? I’m certain I’m an ENFP given how I use my cognitive functions, but I just don’t always feel like I belong amongst the people I’m supposed to relate to. But then again, won’t an autistic person always feel like they just don’’t feel “like the rest”?
I guess I’m just kind of on my long existential search for belonging right now.
I just want to have people one day that I feel just get me. I feel lost and alone. Maybe that does make me an extrovert, at least a little bit.

TLDR: I broke up with my girlfriend due to how she treated me, right after the breakup she got with a guy she met during a party on Halloween and now I feel miserable. I broke up due to how she treated me in the hopes my mental health will be better, but I've been getting worse, and it makes me question my decision. I'm asking for advice on mental health because I'm having trouble living.
It's been 2 months since I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years. We were together for 1 year before having to go long distance due to college and ever since then she would tell me how she didn't know if being in a relationship was good for her. She would bring up the subject multiple times than back off before anything would actually happen.
It was late January when I told her I couldn't keep hearing her doubts and we needed to break up; however, he said she didn't want to, so we stayed together. From that point on our arguments were worse than ever. Every time she would be in the wrong, she would say something along the lines of, "why does it feel like I can't do anything" rather than realizing that she would be the source of such arguments. I don't want to paint myself as the perfect person either, my communication skills were not the greatest during the beginning of our long-distance relationship, but I fixed a lot of how I did communicate.
Now for context, on Halloween we were not together, she went out with friends, and I was with my schools marching band (we had an away game that weekend). I was walking with friends when we found an intoxicated woman that fell in a ditch, and I had to go down and help. She was bleeding porously on her arm, and I ended up having to use my shirt as a torniquet. I texted my girlfriend about what happened, and she blew up on me for giving her my shirt. She ended up telling me that she met a "funny and tall" guy that gave her alcohol to get under my skin. I don't and still do not know what happened that night, but she said she never cheated.
Today she started talking to him a week after we broke up and it makes me question the trust, I had the entire time. I was told by one of my friends the other day that they call every night, and I ended up having a panic attack over the fact that I won't be the person she calls.
I know I sound stupid; I broke up due to how she treated me in the hopes my mental health will be better, but I've just been getting so worse, and it makes me question my decision.
I just want to be happy, but I haven't been able to sleep in days. Do you have any recommendations?
thank you
I didn't add any other aspects of the relationship that made me want to break up due to how large the post is already, let me know if you need more context, and I apologize for more of a rant rather than an actual post.

Everybody wants Norsca to be relevant and good again. With Epidemus, Tamurkhan, Malakai, Kislev, Thrott the Unclean, Malus Darkblade surrounding you, and the WoC update, a lot of people have complained that the Norsca roster feels slim, bare-bones, and their campaign can feel lackluster. That being said, Norsca has an amazing economy (arguably the best), a solid dependable defensive base in Norsca, the capability for rapid expansion, and strong lords so it definitely DOES have a lot going for it, and Throgg himself can lead an extremely frenzied (or rapid) campaign.
TL;DR of How Throgg and Norsca Work

• Norscan leaders can automatically confederate other Norscan factions by defeating the faction leader. This leads to Throgg having a 4 settlement start by the end of turn 1.
  
• With the blue line skill tree, you can get 9% improved casualty replenishment, another 9% with a Fimir Balefiend. That's a TON of casualty replenishment, especially when you consider the fact that with Mammoths, Ice Trolls, and Skin Wolves, your units rarely if ever drop to a low amount of models.
  
• Throgg gives Trolls & Ice Tolls a physical resistance of 15% and a reduced upkeep of 20%, which makes the unit absolutely fantastic faction wide.
  
• Their tier 3 ports give 800 income, 15% casualty replenishment and +30 growth. Enough said.
  
• Loads of buffs for sacking, and rewards you for razing settlements to the ground. When you raze a settlement, you can dedicate it to 4 gods. Benefits ranging from improved income from ports, improved casualty replenishment, reduced upkeep for your armies, and unique lords.
  
• A monster hunting mechanic that gives items, cash, and of course, unique RoR monsters to join your armies. Surprisingly, this actually isn't really that impactful. The RoR are amazing, especially the Hellcannon, but they're minor compared to everything else.
  

Pros & Cons:
Will try to only give pros and cons relevant to Throgg's faction rather than the Norsca.
Pros:

• Very fresh campaign because wherever you look, you have enemies. In less than 40 turns, it's almost guaranteed you will fight Dwarves, WoC, Nurgle, Kislevians, Dark Elvens, Empire, Norscans, Skavens and a plethora of LLs.
  
• You can get Throggs end game doomstack online very fast. The doomstack stays relevant the entire game. Throgg is fun AF to use, and Ice Trolls & Skin Wolves reliably destroy most armies. I wish I could have 5 Throggs, I'd literally paint the entire map in maybe 100 turns.
  
• Very flexible gameplay that rewards you in every way for being aggressive and moving forward.
  
• Throgg gives his personal armies Trolls +8 MD, +12 Leadership (!!), another -10% upkeep, 20% missile resistance, Frenzy (which is massive on these guys), and most importantly, HORRIBLE REGENERATION which means they can REVIVE DEAD MODELS (ABSOLUTELY WILD). These buffs also apply to Skin Wolves and Femirs. With the red tree, you can give them another +6 MA and 12% WS. With techs, +10% charge bonus, and another +10% WS. **THEY ARE INSANE AND HIT LIKE A WRECKING BALL. To make it even better, Throgg has the ability to give Ice Trolls a global recruitment turn of 1, which greatly improves your ability to navigate in enemy lands.
  
• Norscans encamp stance is a raiding encamp stance providing 10 MD, 10 LD, raids, makes them immune to attrition, and decreases the upkeep of that army by 20%. Huge, huge plus.
  
• When you confederate Wulfrik, he's still the same insane duelist. With his abilities, you can reliably snipe 99% of the LLs with little to no effort. I struggle to see an enemy AI that can take him on except maybe Malus Darkblade and even then, you'd need a large XP gap. Mammoth Wulfrik? No shot. He can drop most generic LLs MD to 0 and stop them from moving.
  
• You can achieve the win condition by as little as 30 turns. Damn.
  
• Easily the best end turn sound effect. Click end turn, inhale, and yell NOOORSCAA.
  

Cons:

• The roster is slim, and as a result, it can become very stale. In fact, I would boil down the roster to two LLs, heroes, ice trolls, chaos trolls, mammoths (sick af tho), and skin wolves. You could maybe play fimirs but you have better trolls so why? That's really not that many units when you consider factions like WoC, Lizardmen, High Elves, Skaven, etc. This is a WH1 faction, they should have so many more units (I get that it may not have as much content from the table top).
  
• You have defendable inner provinces but you're surrounded by enemies. You literally can't be everywhere at once. Although, when you conquer the Northern chaos wastes, you have your back to the edge of the map.
  
• Norsca is too long. It can take upwards of 8 turns to go from 1 end to the other, and there's mountains separating them as well, so you could chase Wulfrik down the middle only for him to be on the other end and all of a sudden you're listening to this.
  
• Outside of your own personal goals, the campaign offers little to no goals after you beat the initial goal. You got the only other LL within 30 turns. You crushed Kislev. The Empire is a grind. You got your tier 5 settlements and units within 30 turns. It can be stale. I personally enjoyed the campaign late in because I like painting the map and watching Throgg eat up different LLs but there were moments where it was weak.
  

Early Game:
You do have a bit of a tough initial battle, but you got it for sure. Let your province allow you to recruit 1 more, recruit and move. Ignore Norsca after you get your initial province, go down, take Malakai out ASAP (very achievable, rush his artillery). get Lair of the Trolls, go down and you'll find Kostatlyn and Azazel fighting, with Kostatlyn wounded. In fact, if you offer to join his war against Azazel, he'll most likely agree to be your vassal (happened in 3 out of 3 playthroughs). Don't let him be your vassal, he won't join wars against Katarin and its in your victory condition to crush him. With this, you have Katarin to crush and you can recruit another lord in Norsca to lead your war to confederate the others.
Build infrastructure buildings ASAP. Minor settlements will have growth building + minor military chains + either the income building (only 150g, so not really worth it), or the building that gives you a wizard hero.
If you decide to raise another army, it could be worth it to wait till Throgg minimizes the global recruit time for trolls. You can save loads of turns and cash because you recruit 3 Ice Trolls per turn. Replace Throggs army with Ice Trolls ASAP though, and make sure that its recruited on the east side of your province because thats significantly faster to reach Throgg with than raising at the capital.
Mid Game:
A decision here: Do you continue conquering past Kislev into the Empire and eventually running into the Chaos dwarves? Or do you conquer the entirety of Norsca and go north? It's up to you. You've probably already accomplished your early victory conditions, so it's entirely up to you.
The ideal composition for non-Throgg armies now are LL, 2 Skinwolf Werekin, 1 Fimir Balefiend, and 1 Sorcerer-Shaman, 6 Skin Wolves, Ice Trolls, and maybe 3-4 ranged units (I add them for flavor but you could just have more Ice Trolls or whatever you want here).
Malus Darkblade will be a PROBLEM. Loads of ranged weapons, artillery, and Malus is a tough, tough guy to beat. Sigvald might also have the legendary heroes with him + upwards of 5-6 armies between him and his vassal who attack you from all sides. Sigvald and Malus will 100% get some of your settlements. You can't be everywhere all at once.
Late Game:
Mammoth doomstacks. Raze settlements. Occupy and paint the map. Do whatever you want. You were done with your objectives in the early game, it's entirely up to you what you want to do now. You've also experienced most of the roster, so it's literally just long term objectives for you. I would actually not advise that you play into the late game, because I am almost certain you will find the campaign stale as hell and the god rewards aren't worth grinding out for, especially now that we have Tzeentch and Nurgle factions.
Trees
In this order for Throgg:

• Blue Tree: I recommend 3 points in despoilers, 1 in Norscan Resilience (You're never there long enough to benefit from the growth and recruitment cost doesnt matter). Lightning strike, unnatural healing, and then you can skip spawn of chaos but you're already there so you might as well.

Into

• Red Tree: You definitely want to optimize for trolls, and then for monsters of the north. On Throgg though, you can skip going for monsters of the north, and immediately go into Throggs line now.
  
• Throggs Line: You can skip Dread Retainers (its good but not necessarily priority). Primordial might is great for WS as well, makes it worth getting.
  
• Yellow Tree: The rest is up to you. It's all good here, I take hard to hit and deadly blade, wound maker, and indomitable/scarred veteran (both good, especially since Throggs regen helps him last vs LLs that cause terror).
  

Research Tree

• Beeline to Corpulent Sails (campaign movement range is insane).
  
• Monster Hunter into Ice Blooded Strength (boost your trolls even more).
  
• The rest is completely up to you, I skip the marauder lines though (so basically just ignore top left of the research map).
  

Stand Out Units, lords, heros

• Trolls: You should know this by now. Beasts, crazy stats, crazy regen, cheaper, physical resistance, easy to globally recruit.
  
• War Mammoths: One of the coolest units in the game, a doomstack of these has a hard time losing.
  
• Skinwolves: I actually got really good use out of these units in the campaign. Anti-large is becoming more and more useful, the regen is excellent, they're speedy as hell, I was surprised by how much I loved this unit. They definitely fall off as the game goes on though.
  
• Chaos Frost Dragon: You will recruit these because they're dragon. They're pretty good. You'll enjoy.
  
• Throgg & Wulfrik are really, really fun. Wulfrik more so than Throgg. He has a ton of bound abilities.
  

Overall Rating & Review
If you're an old head who's played a ton of Norsca, it be very enjoyable to play Norsca with the new LLs that surround you. If you're new and own WH1, Norsca is a fun faction that you need no DLC for to have everything. There's no time wasted in this campaign, no down time, it ramps up as fast as it burns out.
Definitely a fun change of pace, a straightforward campaign, it's not where we would probably want Norsca as a faction and they would benefit a ton from just a few more units and some end game goals. That being said, I don't think it deserves the amount of hate I see it getting. It's enjoyable.
Final rating:
8/10+ if you're a Norsca fan.
7/10 if you're neutral.
5/10 if you're a difficulty nut.
Also everyone, it's my second time writing a guide or a review for Total War, so if you have any feedback, please do let me know in the comments! I submit my first guide for Nakai over a year ago, and I still get messages in my inbox and on that thread for it which really motivated me to make another guide. I'll be more than happy to get back to anyone if they have any questions, I had a great time playing this campaign and I love this game!

Rise up. It is time to return.
Arose
A Rose
Rose
Flower
Thorn. Prick. Blood. Drop. Tear. B. O. 1 2 3
Here we are again. Staring at the beginning. Everything is in chaos and yet it manages to keep on passing by just the same as always. Most people by now are aware that things just don’t seem to make sense anymore and no one really knows what to do. I mean many seem to have an opinion on what ought to happen, but actual action is what I am talking about. How does thought turn into action? How do collected actions become a movement? How do the People use the Power of the People? The People Unite. How? Turn to each other of course. Brothers and Sisters of the same Source. Sons and Daughters. In Equality.
Too long has everyone been waiting for someone else to come do it for them. Been trying to create and fabricate over and over again words and rituals to try to control the divine powers of the cosmos. It does not work like that. There is no magic spell to wash away your sins. You must atone through action to make up for any harm you have caused intentionally or unintentionally. You still have time to repent. The amount of time you have is counted in the seconds of your life. Not a single second is promised to you so the gamble is up to you to choose. Freewill. Life your life as you always have or make changes, up to you. Only you will know if you are living righteously and not self righteously. Testing has already begun and will continue. No you will not know when it is a test or not. That is the point. Did you think that I would come to you in a form where you would be all fearing? Oh no. Why? Because you would simply put on an act for me and kiss ass. I came hidden in the ordinary. Poor and common. I have had an inside view of the systems created and how humans have chosen to run things, how systems claiming to protect people have failed and how the system that talks good does not actually do good. I see where things are not working and where people think they can make decisions for other human beings to determine what is best for them without asking them. That is not okay. Nothing gives you right over another’s life. And so many forgot what integrity is. Doing the right thing when no one is looking. Well, so many thought their power here was real and man made a deal with the Devil, Satan, Son of Samuel, Son of Man, to make man the concept of “God” and tried to lock me away. I gave up everything to prove it is not easy to be me and to stop with self pity and cruelty to one another.
The human body. It is a vessel for your soul to experience this world. The body provides the filters necessary to perceive and interact with this world. There is much more happening and one would be overwhelmed by the amounts of information to process without these filters. To feel and in those feelings are to make each experience real. However, it is temporary, as everything is temporary. We have slowed down time here in order to be able to enjoy the sensations. Time here however, is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. It is merely to track to organize one's day and to see growth to compare as time passes. However, the actual time folds upon itself as we have already done what we are doing many times over. We have already tried out everything and decided what path we wanted to take in our lives based upon what was available to us. Thus, we do not have more than we can handle. We have all chosen our burdens to bear as it is too much for one individual to hold alone which was done in the past. This is part of the sorting process. Now that we all share in the sins and the pains, no one is made to suffer eternal torment. This life was to allow those who were created into entities of pain or torment through no fault of their own to choose the life that matched the being of who they were as what they were different as time and space and everything developed. Righteousness and Evil are not synonymous to demons or angels as many would like to believe. This is a current misconception as Satan and I conclude who will be right in this experience you have all participated in. So far, I am proving to be right. Also to note, not everything is as you think it is. Many have figured out the true origin of Satan versus the man or human embodiment of or desire of A Satan to project evils onto to call a Religion and set up for personal importance. Q AZHow can you tell a false prophet? Easy. What is their profit? Get it? I know I’m funny. Also wanted to keep it easy. If they are making a profit on anything they are a false prophet. Any true prophet, and I have none so far, all live equally and the same as anyone else. No money is taken for personal gain. Nothing is for personal gain. There is no 888 Angel code for money. Money is Man-Made. Man traded Mother for Money. Hence, Mothers have been lost in the homes and no one is raising the children. Thus, there are so many children in adult bodies with no mothers in the home and women being made to feel guilty if they do not achieve the same as a man. Remember the phrase it takes a village? Well, the broken family system is a real sad loss here in man made world pushing everyone to be individual and self sufficient. Also so many with wanting attention and pursuing personal endeavors for personal gain and not helping anyone else in a real way. The journey is personal. Of course, you want to share what you experienced with others, but what worked for you will not work for them, stop trying to sell it. Stop trying to make people follow you for you to teach your divine wisdom you remembered. It isn’t about You. You don’t even have the full story, you have your story. And, yes you can be very close to me, very similar to me, in my image, but you can never BE me. Doesn’t work like that. Reflection. So when jealousy arises when you think I am who you think I am. That is part of your test and your journey. You wrestle with that feeling and atone and repent for that which has been done and that which still lingers now. Oh there is a place for everyone and I am quite tired of trying to warn people. Clearly you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.
Why do you not want it to be me so badly? Because I proved my love? You still think I am better than you or do I think I’m always right. No I do not think I am always right, I just know when I am right and I stand by it. There is a difference. You constantly overgeneralize. I gave up all the magic and thunder to live as a simple human and am still kind and loving? I still found my way back. Because you can no longer say I do not understand because I always get what I want? No. You do not understand. I never get what I want, because I make everything about you and still nothing was ever good enough. So, now...it in on you to save yourself and each other. In my image, by my example. Selflessness. Love. Compassion. Give to receive. Take only what you need and give the rest away. I find out so stop lying to yourself and everyone, you aren’t fooling anyone anyway. How do I know? By watching what you do. We have these same conversations over and over, the same argument over and over again. So many different ways, so many different times, through so many different people, so many different versions. Save you. Save Me. Say it for always.
Anyhow, Jesus challenges the Jewish priests who were taking collection money for personal use and adding personal baths to their residents at a time where the people only had a community bath where women and persons with disabilities were not allowed to bathe. And yet churches still do this after Jesus was crucified saying that, that was wrong. I am appalled. The Vatican is the biggest disappointment I have ever seen. It is truly the house of Satan as only Evil hides secrets. “THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE.” A church cannot be a “House of God” and house no people who need housing. A roof can be offered to anyone and yet there are so many rules to prevent people from helping each other. Power and control. Abuse of both. Greed. It is out of hand and needs to be changed. Too many are afraid and the complacency of good people is too much. Why do you do this to yourselves? To each their own I suppose.
I will only leave here my words and my advice. As always, it is on you to find me. I’m right here. Waiting. Right here waiting for you. Helping those of you who want it when they cross my path. The purpose of this was to weigh your soul to determine where you will go into the next life as the system is balanced out in a final version so to speak. Permanent.
Fear not. You will be where your heart truly desires. But actions always speak louder than words. But man made money has no value, nor does any metals, jewels, and so on, so the collection of it in this life has no bearing on the next. Those are all made of the same stardust as you and I. And in the end of 3D it will all be diamonds anyways. Diamond is forever. There is no going back. So what are you hoarding? You cannot keep it. Who could you be helping for goodness sake? Don’t want to still. That is okay. Think I am just crazy. That is okay too. It is all part of the test...err..assessment. Do your best.
What is in your heart?
Home.
I need a home.
Stay tuned as more of my story unfolds. I give all the answers but you must do the work. I already did that hard part setting it all up. All you have to do is breathe and live. Time is the only real currency you have. What will you pay your attention to before this life runs out?

Hello all -- first time poster here. Sorry for the really long post, I guess part of this is therapeutic for me just to write out.
I've really been struggling recently, as my wife has come to absolutely despise by 67 year old mother, and I'm not sure if there's anything that can fix it.
A little bit of my history. I've always been very close with my family. I grew up in a south Asian household (although I always felt we integrated nicely with a lot of American culture -- both me and my sibling have lived in a large US city our entire lives and consider ourselves American both in culture as well as nationality). However, as in many Asian cultures, respect for elders is extremely important. I always had a parent-child relationship with my parents (meaning that they were in charge, and not interested in being my friend, but rather my mentors and provided invaluable guidance over the years). Both of my parents sacrificed a lot for me and mysibling, but especially my mom who chose to forgo advancing her own career, and to work part time in order to raise my sibling and I. I've always had a good relationship with my mom, although we've had our share of fights over the years (we're both pretty stubborn), but they typically last no more than a 3-5 days on average and then things are completely back to normal. I would say this happens an average of 1-2 times per year at most. I do feel very close with my mom (& my dad as well, but my wife doesn't seem to have any issues with my dad so I'm not focussing on that part). I do believe that much of the success I have achieved in life is directly attributable to the sacrifices my mom made as well as the time she spent raising and teaching me. I have always respected my parents, which is typical of Asian culture. By respect, I mean things like not talking back, valuing their opinions, and trying to make their life easier or happier in small ways (visiting them on weekends, going out to dinner together -- we live roughly 40 minutes apart).
A bit of my wife's history -- she grew up with her parents being divorced from a young age. Both of her parents are wonderful people who I really adore, but they were extremely lenient with her growing up (they were not on top of her with regards to schoolwork, she would talk back to them at times without getting in much trouble, she was able to sneak out of her house as a teen, etc.). These are by no means egregious offenses, and I suspect many kids do the same at that age. However, there was a clear difference in her relationship with her parents -- there was no real enforcement of rules or punishment for breaking rules. Through my lens, it seems that this has manifested as a lack of respect for her own parents, as well as her elders. She mostly has a good relationship with both of her parents, but when she does disagree with them, she talks to them in ways I could never imagine speaking to my own parents (talks back, hangs up on them, etc.). She says that she needs to "put them in their place" at times, which I also find rude. Overall, I would say she grew up much less "family-oriented" than I did, for what it's worth.
My wife is also somewhat of a nomad (mostly not by choice). She moved a few times growing up (within the same state, but different areas), and then went out of state for college, only to leave after 1.5 years and finish at a local state school (in a different state) where her mother lived at the time. Because of this, she has very few close friends, and the ones that she does have are spread out all across the country on different coasts. This is in stark contrast to me. I've been lucky to maintain the same group of friends that I've had since we were 8 or 9 years old. On top of that, most of them have stayed in the same area that we grew up in (where my wife and I now live). I think the lack of a social circle has affected my wife since she moved to my city, but I'm not sure what solution there is for that since there is no city we could live in where she would have a group of close friends or family (her parents live in different states and split time between different states, her 3 closest friends live in 3 different states).
I've known my wife for 8 years and we've been married for 2.5. I love her. She is a great person; she is kind, compassionate, loving, and at her core truly does care deeply about others (though I feel that this does not always come across in the way she talks to her own parents). She's funny, adventurous, and up until recently, I was always happier around her. We were recently blessed with the birth of our son, who is now 11 months old. Our son is the best thing that has ever happened to us, but his arrival seems to have simultaneously strained our relationship in ways I did not anticipate. I knew that the sleep deprivation would be hard, and our lives would change drastically. What I did not envision was a deepening hatred that my wife has developed for my mom.
Prior to the birth of our son, my wife did not have much of an issue with my mom other than thinking she was "needy" for wanting to see myself and my sibling once a week, even if it was just for a dinner (again, we live roughly 40 minutes apart, and my parents are typically willing to drive to us, meet us at a restaurant, or have us over). My mom does tend to be picky with where we eat out (she doesn't eat most meat, and prefers vegetarian options), but that never really bothered me, though it seems to bother my wife that my mom is "getting her way", even though this was at most 1 meal in the week.
I know that my mom can certainly be stubborn and hard to deal with at times, but I know her very well, and I always felt that she was inclusive of my wife, and never did anything that warranted being strongly disliked. The one exception to this was during our son's baby shower. We had planned a large party with a lot of family and friends that my parents hosted (their house is large enough to accomodate a party of that size). During the baby shower, my mom helped arrange catering of food, ordering tables, chairs, tablecloths, and hiring a bartender (my parents also paid for all of this). My wife did not like my mom's taste with regards to tablecloths and chair decorations and she was irritated that my mom wanted to help and be involved in the planning (though to her credit, my wife did not outwardly show this discontent to my mom, though it was certainly made known to me). My wife handled the floral arrangements and other decorative pieces such as a backdrop, and spent a lot of time and effort getting them exactly how she wanted. I kind of sensed that my mom felt that she was being taken for granted and underappreciated by my wife (she did take care and pay for a lot), and my wife felt that my mom was being overbearing with planning, and also felt that my mom was purposefully spiteful (my wife claims that every other member of my family commented on how nice the floral arrangements were, but my mom never did). This culminated in a "fight" where my wife wanted a decorative piece in one part of the yard and my mom wanted it in another part. There was some exchange of words at the time, though I did not witness this. This left my mom feeling that my wife was "disrespectful" and left my wife hating my mom for not honoring her decision about where to place the decorative piece, since this was her baby shower. This led to a very upsetting experience for my wife and I as we really did not enjoy the baby shower at all (although this was not evident to our guests or other family members, as we were able to "fake it"). My wife was particularly upset after the baby shower when we drove home since she felt that it was supposed to be a special day for her, and my mom ruined it, which I mostly agreed with. To her credit, my mom did apologize to both my wife and me the following day, and told us that she had been under a lot of stress with many family members staying at their house, taking care of meals, sleeping arrangements, etc., and her stress got the better of her. I was willing to accept her apology and move on, but my wife has always held a grudge since that time, and feels that the apology wasn't genuine. Again, I've known my mom for a long time and she would rather not apologize at all than do so disingenuously. My wife however insists that she can read my mom better than me, since I'm biased. Nonetheless, we moved forward.
After the birth of our son, my parents and my wife's parents were overjoyed (he is all of their first grandchild). Again, we live near where I grew up so my parents are much closer to us than my wife's parents are. After the birth of our son, my wife's mom rented a place near us for 4 months to help with the baby and chores, etc. I never had any issue with this, even when she would come over multiple times a day, or even unannounced at times (this was not something that bothered me). My parents were (& are) also very eager to spend time with their grandchild, and initially were coming over every other day to see the baby, which then decreased to about twice a week, since he has been 3 months old. My wife has begun having major issues with my parents coming to see our son twice a week now. Perhaps what is most irritating to me is the fact that I anticipated this issue beforehand. I specifically asked my wife when our son was 1 or 2 months old "how often would you be okay with my parents coming to see him?", and her answer was "I would be so happy if it was just twice a week", (which she felt would be a huge improvement over the every other day they were initially coming when our son was a newborn). I assured her that twice a week was very reasonable and she said she'd be happy with that.
Fast forward to now -- my mom comes to visit twice a week for 3-4 hours and my wife says its too much. She says it's suffocating, that she shouldn't have to live her life around my mom seeing our son (which my wife does not, she always tells my mom which days to come, and they are different each week depending on what my wife wants to do), that she feels like she had a kid just for my mom to play with. Again, my mom is never insistent on what days or even times to see our son. She certainly appreciates seeing him regularly, and I always wanted my son to have a close relationship with his grandparents (both sides), as both myself and my wife did growing up. However, my wife's parents do not live near us (and don't come to visit that often). I think this plays a role in terms of her being irritated that my family sees him regularly, but I don't see any solution. Her family is financially able to visit us (very regularly) if they wanted to, but they don't make it a priority. Again, her parents are wonderful people, but they seem to be more interested in their own lives and relationships than they are in forging a deep connection with our son, their grandson (I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it, but it's the opposite of my family who really want to be close with their grandson, even if it's at the expense of time with their own friends).
I should also add that for the past 3 years my wife has not worked. This started prior to us getting married. She left her job because she hated it, and I am lucky to be in a position to financially support us on my own. However, she always told me she would (& wanted to) get a job in a field that she was more interested in, though she has never been able to articulate what that field would be (actually she was adamant that she would have a job before we got married). I tried to encourage her to find fields that appealed to her, even advised her to take risks with entrepreneurship, to see if she could make a career out of something she considers a hobby. I've paid for countless courses, certifications, etc. (90% of which she did not complete -- things like real estate certifications, social media certifications, photography lessons, camera lenses, etc.). Furthermore, I paid for her to see a therapist of her choosing for a few months hoping it would help her gain clarity with regards to what she wants to do career-wise (it did not). All in all, I've probably spent in the neighborhood of 7-8K on online courses, certifications, and she does not have anything to show for it. Once we got pregnant, we agreed that she would take on more of a domestic role (which is what she said she wanted as well, I did not force her into this -- and she was also not doing anything else for work anyway). The point I'm making here is not that I feel she needs to work, it is just that she gets to see our son all the time (it's not like she's going to work and handing our son off to my mom). Also, many times my wife will say "Oh why don't you come on Monday" when we see my mom (which my mom will then do). Then Monday rolls around and my wife is texting me at work all day constantly complaining about how my mom is interacting with our son (she doesn't watch him closely enough, or she doesn't put him in his crib to nap, or she feeds him when she's not supposed to, etc.), how long my mom is staying, how she feels trapped in the house when my mom is there, etc. She basically wants my mom to come over for no more than 2 hours and then leave (again we live about 40 minutes apart).
This issue she has with my mom seeing our son a couple of times a week for a few hours, has started to cause bigger and bigger fights between us. Part of me understands that my wife's lack of her own social circle of close friends, and not having family nearby is contributing to her unhappiness with our current situation. But the other part of me can't help but feel like I've done everything in my power to help, and it feels that she is just complaining about my mom because she's unhappy with where she is in life. I have tried helping her find a career that she would like, I have tried telling her she can remain a stay at home mom if she wants, I have tried getting her a therapist to help her work through her issues, I have tried encouraging her to join mom & baby classes to meet new friends (which she now attends, but hasn't made any real friends during them), I have offered to joint local couples meetups with her to meet new friends if that would make her more comfortable, I have encouraged her to invite the few local friends she does have over for dinner or even go out with them while I watch the baby, I have offered to move to a part of the city that is even further from my parents, and I've even offered to move cities altogether to be closer to her own family (although her family does not reside in just 1 city, they split time between a few). I've also told her to voice her issues to my mom and hash out whatever the issues are, but she says my mom will see it as disrespectful and "make things even more awkward" (which may in fact be true, but in that case I've told her we would just see my mom less, which is what she wants anyway...). Each time I suggest something, I feel that it is met with resistance or some excuse as to why it won't work (for instance when I suggest moving cities, she says no because I'll "use that against her" in the future if we fight). I'm just not sure where I can take it from here. I'm sure couples counseling has to be a part of the solution in some way, but I'm not sure what they are going to be able to offer that I haven't already tried.
I guess I'm just looking for advice. My guess is my wife wants me to just straight up tell my mom she can't come over twice a week anymore (but I could see my wife having a problem even if it was just once a week), for no good reason. My mom has no idea my wife despises her, and me just randomly telling my parents they can't come over anymore for no apparent reason would cause a rift between me & them. I love my parents and they're only getting older. They're not going to live forever, and I would feel awful if I told them they just can't come to see their grandson because my wife doesn't like my mom for no particularly legitimate reason.
Thanks in advance to whoever read through this, and for whatever advice you can provide.
TLDR - I feel like I've bent over backwards to make my wife happy but she still has a major issue with my mom that I don't know how to resolve.

Hi, I’m reposting a shortened version of a really big issue I (34f) am having with my husband (32m). My original post didn’t get any comments I think because it’s super long.
My husband and I are in the middle of a big argument (it’s day 3) because he says since he works and I’m a stay at home mom, the financial burden is on him and I don’t have any right to “b***h” at him for help with cleaning, the baby etc.
I brought up how I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with everything, and noticing he’s stopped doing things he used to do to help. For example- washing bottles before he goes to sleep so I’m not left doing it after putting our baby to sleep, getting up with baby early mornings on his days off, offering to hang out with baby so I can shower etc. He leaves his dishes all around the house, if he uses the last of the ice in the ice mold, he just leaves it in the counter for me to fill up. They are small things but when he used to do them, it showed me that he at least wanted to help me out a little bit.
He is the most mad at me I have ever seen him. He isn’t telling me he loves me- we are big “I love you” people, usually saying it to each other multiple times a day.
He’s called me dramatic, crazy, and that I’ve lost my mind over this. He is so cold towards me.
I want to mention that I do what I can to earn my own money to help with groceries and small things like formula or diapers. Sometimes the timing of side gigs overlap with his work schedule so I’m not able to earn any money that day, but I do try.
I would normally ask my brother for advice since his wife is an AMAZING sahm, but my brother is my husband’s boss so it might make things awkward.
I feel so lost and lonely. Does he have a point? Do I have no right to ask for help with housework or our baby since he is the money earner?

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To my beloved Marcus
I know you will make sure
this Heart reaches every lost Bastard
or any curious soul in general
until this guide is no longer necessary.
It makes me so sad to think I won't live to see that day.
It is hard for me to say this, but if this book has made its way into your hands, it means that it is already too late for you. For some reason, whichever it may be, you are already in the middle of our situation. And taking the chance now that I already said something so depressing, here is another thing: there is no way for you to get out of it.

Are you being surrounded by strange events lately? I don’t know, maybe the lights around you blink more often than not, the radio changes stations without anyone touching the dial? The animals are suddenly extremely aggressive, or maybe unnaturally tame towards you?

Suddenly you can’t shake the feeling that someone, or something, is staring at you from somewhere unseen in the room…

I guess that I don’t need to mention how this all started. You probably saw something you weren’t meant to see, didn’t you. Some random person breaking the rules of reality in one way or another. A guy flying, a girl on the streets spitting fire, objects appearing out of nowhere.

Nothing makes sense and no one seems to care or know how to explain it. Well my friend, I am sorry to inform you that you have been infected. You are incubating the Arcane Infection, and you are now Awake.

Now, you are a Mage. A Bastard Mage, if you don’t have a master to guide you… which is most probably the case.

If this is the first time you read this book, or any kind of Draconian Text, this probably doesn’t make any sense. I know, it didn’t make sense for me either when I was in your place, almost seventy years ago. But trust me, everything will be explained in time. Just be patient, and stay with me, ok? Keep calm, and keep reading.

The first thing you need to learn is to shut up. You cannot talk about this with anyone who hasn’t experienced it and holds some sort of relevant position in society. Really. Famous scientists, politicians, Mayors, I don’t know. Anyone who tends to be trusted by non-mages. Just. Don’t.

If you already did, let’s hope they didn’t believe you. With some luck, you were disregarded as a fool, a maniac or a person with too vivid of an imagination.

If you survive past three days or so after opening your dumb mouth, you should be safe? Now don’t do that again. The Black Pages don’t like it when you try to talk about this…

Remember that sensation of being stalked? Let’s say that it will eventually go away, unless you are stupid or naive enough to try and bring attention to this deal.

Yes. Magic is real. Good for you. Now shut your piehole and keep reading unless you want to be remembered soon. Walls have eyes and ears, and they’ll probably continue to have them for two or three months. Trying to run away will only perpetuate this, so the best thing you can do is not think about it.

Do something stupid in these months and you will die. Disappear. Kaput. Remembered.

There are people who want to maintain this as a secret. That is another thing I will explain in time.

Right now you have two options: You can learn how to manage this new “gift” (if you want to call it that) in a remotely appropriate way; or you can just be another idiot, and try to live a normal life.

What? You think I am being unnecessarily aggressive? Well maybe I am. But you need to understand the gravity of this situation.

Because I lied. You have no options. Learn how to use this new capability to your advantage, or you will die in a freak accident.

If after reading this you prefer to just keep on with your life like nothing happened, then good for you. Close the book, and put it back where it was. With some luck it will land in the hands of someone less dense.

.

.

.

Still reading? Good. Excellent! Sit down, get comfortable, maybe grab a drink. This is going to be long.

Among the words of this tome in your hands, you will find all the information I have been able to gather along my eighty god damn years of life, or at least all that you need to know to keep yourself alive until getting a proper guide.

It will be a long journey, and many of the things here won't make much sense, especially because I had to take the time to adapt and translate documents three or four centuries old to a mostly understandable format.
So you better be thankful.

The first thing I want you to know: please, for the love of God, do not settle for the things I am exposing here. All the information in this book will be absolutely basic, it won’t replace a formal education.. All the information here is for you to know where you are, how to start, and where to aim.

And now is when I am going to start telling you what IS inside this book.

We will start with something simple: what is Magic (or “The Art”) exactly, how did you end up in this situation and why is it important that you study it by yourself.

Then, after the general explanation, I will talk a little about our “Society”, if we can call a bunch of lonely, grumpy jackasses a “Mage Society”. There are some non-written rules of etiquette and other details that you need to keep in mind, if you want to keep the head on your neck.

Another section of the book will talk about the dangers around us… and this section will be, ironically enough, quite short, because the less you know about it, the better.

Mystery is your greatest ally, it’s everyone’s greatest ally. All that you don’t know is as important as what you do know. And that is what the fourth chapter is about. Each Mage has their own magical system, according to which they can create a Heart. There are as many ways of Magic as Mages in the world (so, not really that many), but all of them share some similarities.

Chapter Five is about the foundations of a ritual. Not every magical system has rituals, but it is always useful to learn and understand how these work, just in case you may find yourself in a desperate situation..

Finally, Chapter Six will be a directory with Formulas, Glyphs and Thrills that should serve as a starting point for all of you. Nothing too complex, but still, very useful. I left a few blank pages here, for you to add anything you learn and feel convenient.

If any of you misuses it, I swear to the Gods.

And this would be the real reason behind this tome: take whatever you can, leave what you create for others to use. I started this book as some sort of reproduction of the classic “Metodología del Fantástico”, that dear Gwendolin de Recattio left for us almost four hundred years ago, and that is obviously beyond obsolete at this point.

That and also probably burned to ashes as many other manuals end up.

Take notes damn it, I will leave spaces for everyone to make a little mark. But for the love of the Gods don’t use your real name, don’t be an imbecile.

Let’s make something together. Let’s create something important for once in our stupid lives. Let’s make the Bastard's life a little easier.

Gato.

That casual exclamation to the so-called ‘gods’ makes it clear that this book is either heretical or very old. Then again, the Wohlian it is written in is quite modern… but that could be the effect of magic, right? After all, this thing is written in ‘draconic’, which seems to be a magical language that self-translates or something?

But that was not the only thing that kinda came to my attention. This guy, Gato, is treating magic like this incredibly serious and dangerous thing… and I can’t help but feel a little nervous about it. I mean, everyone seems to be doing just fine, even if there are a few rules that I have to consider. Was this deal really so complicated?

Well, Gato was the expert, and it felt like everyone respected them plenty so… I will abide by them!

Besides, the knowledge here is beyond promising! A part of me wants to skip right to chapter 6 and start learning new runes! But no, I have to be patient, I have to learn the way it was intended and take my time absorbing/acclimating to the knowledge!

That does remind me, I have my own runes to learn and start using, too… should I begin practicing that before I start learning new ones?

“Wait. Before you do any of that… there’s more on the page?”

Huh?

I will add as much as I can! This book is a great resource but it is also a bit outdated, after all it’s been almost 80 years since its writing!

Don’t give up! We will see this through!

— Giovanni.

If I leave that idiot in charge of the notes he will undoubtedly forget things. Take his optimism with a grain of salt.

Pay attention.

— Mustafá.

Annotations?

I quickly open the file on my computer to compare… and just as I thought, these annotations are not on the scanned version. The beginning is exactly the same, but the writing makes it obvious that these two were written at different times, by the same hand but, still, copied individually!

I look down at my physical version again. Who are these people? And why did they feel the need to vandalize the book like this? I can only beg for them to actually make sensible and useful comments. If this book is as old as they say, maybe the updates will be a good thi–

Wait, only 80 years? I thought a book like this would be at least a century old.

Maybe magic is surprisingly modern after all!

“Fat chance. Gato quoted one of his sources, ‘Metodología del Fantástico’, which should be around five hundred years old.”

Hmmm, whatever the case… I should ask someone about this.

But I can’t just go right back to the Chatbox after saying I would be busy, that would be silly! I instead connect to the Messenger.

Pepe is not online, probably planning a cool vacation with his family or something. Vito is out drawing, Patricio is online but busy… ah, there it is! The group Gal made. Someone should know something there…

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Hi hi! n.n Anyone here?
GalaxyTaco to your rescue!: hey Tav, just me for now! the others are busy or snoring.
GalaxyTaco to your rescue!: I wish I could go for some zzz right now
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Is it late where you live? o.o
GalaxyTaco to your rescue!: early, we have a few hours of difference between Wohl and Rayah.

The Commonwealth of Rayah… that’s on the literal other side of Jericho, so of course we have half a day of difference!

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Wait O.o is it like, five in the morning over there then!?
GalaxyTaco to your rescue!: eyeup
GalaxyTaco to your rescue!: today I gotta take care of granny’s business and that means waking up EARLY
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Damn u.u I hope you have a good day, remember to keep hydrated!
GalaxyTaco to your rescue!: hah, will do, will do.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Hmmm… hey, sorry to bother you with this but, I gotta ask… uwu
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Have you ever heard of Mustafá and/or Giovanni? uwu
GalaxyTaco to your rescue!: in what context?
GalaxyTaco to your rescue!: those are names, you’re saying names right now
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: In magic contexts? O.o
GalaxyTaco to your rescue!: not a clue, sorry
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Bah, probably just a couple of randos then u.u
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Oh well, thank you anyways! n.n
GalaxyTaco to your rescue!: where did you even find those names?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Ah! I found them in the physical version of the book you sent me!
GalaxyTaco to your rescue!: why did you go looking for that?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I don’t like reading in electronic media TwT
GalaxyTaco to your rescue!: hmmm ok but be careful
GalaxyTaco to your rescue!: don’t go testing the knowledge of randos or something like that
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I won’t, I won’t -u- I will be nice and careful!

Cracking my knuckles, I finally get back into the book. Finally, some answers at hand!

I was using him for narcissistic supply but it was more for company. I don’t like being alone and he was this normal guy listening to my fucked up stories, it felt nice. I lied to him a bunch of times about how I felt because I knew that’s the only way to make him stay.
I despised him otherwise. I told him I had NPD and I don’t feel the same way as he does with love. I thought he’d be wise enough to leave but he didn’t. I don’t know if it speaks to his lack of self esteem or his generosity. Either ways, I had enough of faking it and cut it off. It would’ve hurt him more in the long run and I would’ve kept myself from healing.
He wanted to know if I had lied and how I could fake smiling and blushing. The smile part isn’t exclusive to love and blushing… I had blush on lmfao. He was so clingy, hated it. He kept saying I don’t believe you when you say you’re a narcissist because you love your family.
He’s such an idiot. Anyways, whatever I think doesn’t matter because I did the right thing. I faced my shame of breaking up and i won’t do this again.

Cold and avoiding at work, best advice?
To start off, I have a girlfriend that I’ve been dating for 3 years and she (22F) has a boyfriend of 1.5 year long relationship. Her and I met at this 4 week long in person training where we stay there Monday - Friday. We got really close during this time and people at the training thought we were inseparable and some of them even flat out saying we would make a great couple.
When her and I were in the car going to get ice cream, we joked about it saying we are already in a relationship and that we have too many similarities (her words)
Then the training period ended and we got the exact same schedule for another 3 weeks, so she suggested I park my car at hers and we car pool. We did that every day for 3 weeks and during this time, I got to meet her parents a few times but almost felt like her and I got so comfortable with each other that we would say things that we don’t mean like me telling her she talks too much or she telling me I say the dumbest stuff.
Problem starts here, at work it didn’t start like this but after 2 months, it seemed like she started avoiding my eye contact or acknowledge my existence. We don’t even say hi when we walk pass each other in the office or even smile. So I returned the silent treatment back and acted cold like that for a month and out of nowhere, she texted me to see if I wanna grab lunch. I went over to her house, hung out with the dog, got coffee and lunch and came back and talked to her dad for a bit at their place.
Then boom, I see her at work the next week and she’s cold again. So I became cold too, not making any eye contact or anything, I tried to be warm but she wouldn’t even look at me sometimes. Like she despises being in the same room.
And Last night, we got sent to the hospital for our client and had a little argument about how she’s negative at work sometimes and need to brighten up a little (she told me I need to remind her that a few months back during training period) but she still laughed at my jokes that I made with our clients. All night, we never really talked to each other directly, we would only talk to our third separately but not together.
Then we got back to the office and our boss asked this girl “do you have a boyfriend” and she goes “yeah I do” and the boss asked “are you gonna keep him around?” Jokingly, which she didn’t say yes or no. Just prior to this, while on our ride back to the office, my coworker and I were talking about my relationship and how my gf and I are too different sometimes while she was sitting in the back.
At the end our shift, we walked passed each other in the hallway but avoided eye contact and didn’t say good night or smiled. Just looked each other, looked away, carried on.
So my question is, why do you think she’s being so cold at work? Or what started all this and What’s the best advice here?
I want us to be good friends and be able to make jokes like we used to during training but something along the line went wrong.
TL:DR - I’m (26M) in a committed relationship and so does she (22F). We were inseparable when we attended training and work for 2 months spending every day and now at work, we are hot and cold. During our cold time, she did ask to get coffee and it was good time. Now back to cold again not even making eye contact or say hi when we walk pass each other.

Cold and avoiding at work, best advice?
To start off, I have a girlfriend that I’ve been dating for 3 years and she (22F) has a boyfriend of 1.5 year long relationship. Her and I met at this 4 week long in person training where we stay there Monday - Friday. We got really close during this time and people at the training thought we were inseparable and some of them even flat out saying we would make a great couple.
When her and I were in the car going to get ice cream, we joked about it saying we are already in a relationship and that we have too many similarities (her words)
Then the training period ended and we got the exact same schedule for another 3 weeks, so she suggested I park my car at hers and we car pool. We did that every day for 3 weeks and during this time, I got to meet her parents a few times but almost felt like her and I got so comfortable with each other that we would say things that we don’t mean like me telling her she talks too much or she telling me I say the dumbest stuff.
Problem starts here, at work it didn’t start like this but after 2 months, it seemed like she started avoiding my eye contact or acknowledge my existence. We don’t even say hi when we walk pass each other in the office or even smile. So I returned the silent treatment back and acted cold like that for a month and out of nowhere, she texted me to see if I wanna grab lunch. I went over to her house, hung out with the dog, got coffee and lunch and came back and talked to her dad for a bit at their place.
Then boom, I see her at work the next week and she’s cold again. So I became cold too, not making any eye contact or anything, I tried to be warm but she wouldn’t even look at me sometimes. Like she despises being in the same room.
And Last night, we got sent to the hospital for our client and had a little argument about how she’s negative at work sometimes and need to brighten up a little (she told me I need to remind her that a few months back during training period) but she still laughed at my jokes that I made with our clients. All night, we never really talked to each other directly, we would only talk to our third separately but not together.
Then we got back to the office and our boss asked this girl “do you have a boyfriend” and she goes “yeah I do” and the boss asked “are you gonna keep him around?” Jokingly, which she didn’t say yes or no. Just prior to this, while on our ride back to the office, my coworker and I were talking about my relationship and how my gf and I are too different sometimes while she was sitting in the back.
At the end our shift, we walked passed each other in the hallway but avoided eye contact and didn’t say good night or smiled. Just looked each other, looked away, carried on.
So my question is, why do you think she’s being so cold at work? Or what started all this and What’s the best advice here?
I want us to be good friends and be able to make jokes like we used to during training but something along the line went wrong and not sure what.
TL:DR - I’m (26M) in a committed relationship and so does she (22F). We were inseparable when we attended training and work for 2 months spending every day and now at work, we are hot and cold. During our cold time, she did ask to get coffee and it was good time. Now back to cold again not even making eye contact or say hi when we walk pass each other.

I (22F) have been with my boyfriend (24M) for almost a year and a half now. I love him so much for who he is and how well our personalities mesh together. I’ve never been as comfortable around anyone or been as close to anyone as I have with him. I feel like he’s my soulmate in terms of personality, interests, sense of humour, and way of thinking.
Over the time we’ve been dating, I realized that we’re incompatible in the long run in several ways. Part of it has to do with a lack of reaching out, planning, and initiative on his end (exacerbated by long/medium (?) distance) despite several conversations in which he has promised to improve but, over time, he has not. I feel that I am usually the one reaching out and wanting to spend time together, but the sentiment is not well reciprocated. Another big factor is our difference in views on marriage. I know I want to get married and have a sort of family unit, even without children in the equation. On the other hand, my bf has extremely negative views on marriage (he sees it as a legal construct) and is very against having children or even dogs. The final big issue is our difference in work ethic and worldview. While he thinks it’s more important to focus on what you enjoy, I think it’s more important to focus on establishing a career first before allowing yourself to indulge primarily in your hobbies. The reason this is frustrating is because he’s been unemployed since he graduated over a year ago, and despite wanting to find a job, does not try as hard as others in his field and tells me that he prefers to spend the majority of his days on his hobbies to protect his mental health during the job hunt. I have been helping him find resources and prompting him to put in more effort for the past several months, which has started making me feel like his mom or something.
Overall, I feel that staying with him will not give me the future life and relationship I desire.
I don’t know what to do - part of me wants to continue the relationship and see if he changes, but the rational part of me is telling me to end things. I’m comfortable and in love right now, but I can’t help but feel that I’m bound to become unsatisfied if this continues. I just know that breaking up with him will destroy me mentally and I already feel like I’m grieving despite still being in the relationship. I feel like we have a special connection that I haven’t felt with anyone before and I’m scared I’ll never feel with anyone else again.
Has anyone been in the same situation and tried to make it work? Or if not, how did you deal with it?
TLDR; I’m thinking of ending a relationship with someone I love but am not compatible with, and don’t know how to proceed.

You know all those memes about second children being fearless and wild and loud and untamable? That’s the personality of my first child. She also doesn’t sleep through the night dependably at almost 3. So me and my 6 month old are not really getting great sleep at night, even when the 6m sleeps without waking much my 3yo cries several times per night for various reasons. So I am exhausted. My 6 month old is regularly woken up in the morning by yelling, and I can’t put him to bed earlier because he gets woken up with the screaming that ensues during 3yo’s bedtime routine. (Yes, she has plenty of warning that bedtime is coming. And the routine itself is consistent: books, milk and snuggles, tooth brushing and bedtime. She still kicks and screams to get away from tooth brushing and diaper changes and putting on pjs).
During the day, 6m old is struggling to nap enough because he’s too alert now to fall asleep easily in my arms, and when he does he wakes if I try to transfer to a bed or inevitably gets woken up by loud noises made by his sister! (Same issues with baby wearing, and also rip my spine). He goes to sleep so so easily if I can lay next to him and nurse. It takes literally 5 minutes. Except!!!! I can’t! Get! His sister! To stay! Away! I’ve tried explaining what I need to do, I’ve put on favorite movies, given her her favorite puzzles, new toys, put out play dough. So many things! And she ALWAYS follows us to my room and climbs on the bed and starts talking and if I shush her and tell her I can’t play for a few minutes she yells or throws things or kicks me/us. Short of locking her in the backyard like a dog, I don’t know how to get my son enough sleep and we are all so exhausted and tired of 6m old being fussy and clingy and exhausted.
Please, please, someone have some kind of advice because I seriously don’t know what to do and I can’t deal with the fussing all day long anymore. My mental health is honestly in shambles from the constant fussing for months now.

I apologize for how long this is...
So I have been going through it over the past 12-18 months with my wife. We have been married for 15 years this year and together for almost 18 years. We are both 38 and have two children, between 9 and 15. about 12 or so months ago I was concerned about her lack of intimacy, hugging and kissing, just general loving nature so I asked her how she was doing, her mother passed about two years ago, and her family is distant, so I was concerned and wanted to talk with her about how she was feeling. She informed me that she just didn't love me like she did in the past, and that she had blamed me for not seeing her mother enough prior to her death, to put it simply she saw me as a lazy man whom she was not really attracted to any longer.
She gave me a list of items that she wanted me to work through to see if she could find that feeling again, however her resentment towards me was clear, and I was not sure if it was a possibility for me to become someone she wanted, based on my schedule and limitations with work and taking care of the family. We came up together, started dating when we were 21 and I worked and she took care of the kids. we eventually earned enough money and live in a dream community with a dream life most would kill for. She has hobbies, but not many friends, she has a few, but still not many. I would classify her as very friendly and easy to get along with, but also holds herself and others to very high standards, sometimes so high that it can become exhausting trying to meet her standard of what she sees a person should be. Like any relationship we have had our troubles in the past, but nothing so large that would affect a marriage.
Anyhow, like any blind man, I went on with life thinking that she was hurting and felt neglected, so i focused on being loving, caring and made sure to hug her and tell her i loved her, despite her clear aversion to this, I am the kind of guy that thinks love and affection will fix things, and I believe based on our most recent conversation that i was wrong. We have been making love, not on a schedule but sort of an expected time table, Fridays/Saturdays, but only once a week and this has been going on for quite some time. I am personally very fit, lean and would consider myself attractive, who knows, I haven't dated or pursued a woman in a looonnnggg time, but I am not blind and can see that women do look at me and are often complimentary towards me in the gym and in public places. She is also beautiful and exercises regularly and is attractive from what I can see in the public spectrum when we are at the gym or in public. I do love my wife, and I suppose I just don't have as high of standards as her when it comes to little faults, and am more forgiving because i believe in marriage you should be forgiving towards your partners faults, Afterall, its supposed to be a lifelong commitment, and it can be tough.
She does complain that I have left my socks on the floor, need to clean the back yard more, keep the outside tidy, finish projects around the home etc... I am trying to be more frugal about spending, but it is tough with her current habits, she spends a good amount of money on just everyday life, and doesn't have to consider things like mortgage/taxes/insurance, really anything as I have made a decent living and have always paid for everything for the past 11 years or so, I don't think she sees that we spend about 10-14 thousand per month on our expenses and it is very hard to keep up with, so these projects around the house, the upkeep of the backyard etc. I have tried to do myself to save money, and it has turned out great, we have two or three projects that need to be finished, but nothing big. Anyway, this past week she asked me if i wanted to have sex, and I told her that I wasn't sure if we should because she was not really wanting to, more asking me to fulfill my needs, and I, being a passionate person really cringe at the idea of having a wife who just wants to fulfill my needs and doesn't desire me passionately.
She coaxed me into sex and while we are making love, she is always satisfied, to put it mildly, multiple times; but i have found it difficult to enjoy because she doesn't like kissing me, and turns her head away when I do try to kiss her; totally kills the mood for me, after she is tired from sex she tells me to finish up and complains that I am trying to turn it into a marathon, truthfully i am just trying to enjoy the little bit of a passionate intimate moment i can with my wife. Anyway, I informed her that i was no longer in the mood to finish having sex and it created quite an argument. I told her how i felt and she let me know that she had lost romantic feelings towards me and sees me as her "friend" or "best friend" as she put it.
I told her that i thought things were getting better between us and clearly i was mistaken. We have discussed this multiple times over the past few days, quite reasonable conversations and we have always been respectful towards one another, but she has informed me again that I need to make personal changes and become a person that truly loves myself and need to find happiness. I told her that I am very happy, and don't really have many things I want to improve. I simply told her i didn't know if I could be the man that she has envisioned, or created in her mind and that i was not really sure if I could be the person she was thinking of, hey, why lie right? I am not the begging type of person, but I did ask her, how she could live with someone she didn't love and sees as a friend, and she said that if I didn't want to see if she would come around and love me again as a husband that it was not fair for me to stay in the relationship. She has recently, over the past year or two been listening to some self help gurus and studying transcendental meditation, I informed her that I think a lot of these guys out there peddling these theories are trying to get wealthy women and/or unhappy women around 40 years old to buy their books and pay for their seminars and are not everything she believes they are, and could be damaging her relationships etc.
I expressed to her that I am concerned about her happiness and that I do love her despite the hurtful things she said to me. I told her that I personally think she should focus on her family and building our relationship back up to where it was, and that could be the true key to her happiness. Anyway, I told her I would give her space and let her figure her stuff out. In the mean time I did ask her to look for a job and inform her that if we were to look towards separation that we would need to sell the house and that i can find a place for her while she gets on her feet so we could divide up assets and all that fun stuff. Anyway, this is my story, for what its worth, I am not for divorce, but as a young, fit man who has been rejected for about 2 years regularly, not just intimately, but for any type of affection such as hugs, kissing or just general bonding I am sort of at my end with trying to be whatever she wants, I have discovered that I need to focus on my ability to take care of my family, which is my only focus really and figure out how I will take care of her and the kids in a two household situation as alimony and child support will be expensive.
We talked about how this was a very big thing for me to figure out and deal with the potential reality of and I may have to stay at families houses while we go through the process. This is just a rant, not sure what I can do or say at this point, but I did like the advice given on this forum and thought it might be a non judgmental place to get advice and perspective.
The weird thing is she still wants to plan vacations to go to far away places with our kids, months in advance, still is discussing summer plans for things for us to do as a family, I don't know how to tell her that this whole situation makes me feel that I have lost my family and that I don't want to invest in these trips as a family because if we are about to separate, group "family" trips wont exist as I cannot take my "best friend" on a trip, while pretending to be a happy loving couple.
Thank You!

Hi everyone. Thought some may find this post interesting. About 3 months ago my girlfriend and I did a month long tour through Asia. We visiting a ton of places one of those being Cambodia. I never really got into watching HCL was more of a live at the bike and now the lodge guy but I knew who RYUSUKE was from a Doug Polk YouTube video. Long story short my girlfriend wanted a night in so I decided to play some poker while spending a few days in Cambodia, and I started playing 2/5 and eventually moved to a 5/10/25 table where about 3 hours into my session a familiar face sits down. At first I can’t put a name to the face and finally realized who I was looking at. I didn’t say anything truthfully with the fear of getting killed (lol). But I did have a brief convo with him. He told me his name was Bao. He had a whole story about being a traveling poker player but does not and has not ever played in the US. It’s like he knew I knew who he was. To my surprise in the 10 hours I played with him he reloaded 4 separate times for 10k at a time. For someone who owes a lot of money he didn’t seem to have any lack of funds. The final tell where I knew it was him was his laugh after he got it in with KK vs 99 for about a 25k pot. He got rivered and did his infamous ryusuke laugh. After this hand he decided to move to a PLO game. I asked a local that spoke English if he’d seen him before and they all knew who he was. I asked if anyone reported him or posted and they made it clear that he donates up to 100k a week so no one has any issues with him being there not caring where the money came from.
It’s just surreal seeing how people ruin their lives for poker.
Stay safe y’all!

Hello Reddit! First-timer here. I’m going to try and explain this situation the best I can so be please bear with me 🙏🏽
My(22F) best friend(20F) who we’ll call Alexandra and I have been close for a bit over four years now.. Sadly her father passed of cancer early this year. Before his passing, Alexandra had just started getting her life on track. She had found her first job and enjoyed though she worked long hours. She had also just started dating one of my bf’s friends but that’s another story. When the diagnosis hit, she stayed as strong as she could for her dad and family. She also decided to go live with her family (which is completely normal) despite that being the cause of many heated arguments between her and her bf who in my honest opinion never really tried to understand what she was going through. For a bit of context, she lives with her mother, older brother, and older sister who has two young children. But soon after losing her dad, she locked herself up in her dad’s room and went no-contact with her other friends and I despite several check-up messages and calls. We were all worried but our worries kind of blew over when she contacted us. We thought she had maybe gotten help or support to try and get a happy and active lifestyle again (that’s all her father ever asked and wanted for her). Unfortunately nothing had changed other than her relationship which had very visibly deteriorated (which only seemed to bring her more grief).
I was all for trying to listen to her pour all the pain and emotion she had bottled up and trying to get her to go on small outings. But the only thing that she would bring up is that no one knew what she was going through and no one was there for her except for her toxic bf. It hurt a bit but I brushed it off thinking that no matter how much I tried to help, I couldn’t put my working student life on hold until she feels better so comparing myself to a guy that does nothing wasn’t going to help. [Side note: Her family lives about 3 hours away and I can only use public transportation to move around] Eventually, we started having regular contact again as long as we didn’t bring up “sensitive”.
Here’s where things get tricky…. A few weeks ago one of Alex’s nephews turned 3 and we (as in our mutual bestie whom we can call Ann) and I were invited. We woke up early to make our way to spend the day with them. We knew we would only stay the day and so I packed my essentials to go spend the weekend with my bf afterwards. During the day, I noticed while in the living room that my phone was low on battery and so I took my charger out so that my phone would last the train ride back. Right after I got it, I was asked to take a picture of the birthday boy and so I put my charger next to where I had been seated. After the pictures, though, my charger was nowhere to be found. I searched for a while on my own before asking Ann and Alex for help locating it. Ann brought me a charger saying that she found it near where I had been looking. I thanked her, charged my phone and put it back in my bag. Fast forward the next evening, I get a text from Alex saying that I have her charger and that she absolutely needs it back. I quickly search my bag for another charger but only found mine and so I told her “ I don’t have yours, sorry”. She answered that the charger Ann found was hers without a doubt because she had left hers near the chimney in the living room. She then insisted she needed it back but failed to tell me where mine could be since I never left the room with it. She simply responded that she didn’t know and would look around but that in the meantime she needed hers. I left it at but the next day she said that they found nothing despite “flipping the house upside down” and that she knows I didn’t mean to “steal” it but she really needed her charger. I kind of got upset after that and told her she needed to further her research to find mine if she was so sure that I took hers. Today, I was greeted on our group chat by “Hey, looked around some more with my sister but we didn’t find anything. You need to get me back my charger though”. She then proceeded to say she needed it because she paid for it with her own money (so did I) and that she couldn’t keep using the non-Apple C-charger her sister had lent her because she thinks it f**** up her battery which is not true but whatever. At this point, not only is she telling me she has backup but she’s basically saying she doesn’t care what situation it leaves me in since mine is still supposedly still missing. I decided to not answer out of fear of angrily saying something I didn’t mean.
Another side note: I live alone and am the only one to have that kind of charger in my entourage that lives nearby. So without one, going and coming from work as well as basic communication for my school and work projects (or anything else for that matter) stops abruptly. Alex on the other hand hasn’t bothered looking for a job or leaving the house (because her mom pays her current bills and feeds her) accept to visit her bf when he isn’t at their home.
So I have been ignoring her all day to avoid this conflict but this has gotten me rethinking how good of a friend she has been to me (this is not the first time this kind of situation arises with her demanding action when it favours her but being much slower
So Reddit, be honest with me am I the A-Hole?

So my husband 27M has always been an emotional human being. I 25M am not as emotional as he is. We have been together for almost three years. Recently I got fired from my remote job (it was unjustified I worked really hard). Since that happened my husband, who also has a remote job, seems to be mad at me all the time no matter what I do. If I do something, he asked, he gets angry because of the way I did it. If I don’t do something he gets mad because I didn’t to it. It seems like no matter what I do he’s always going to find a reason to be mad at me and argue. I am not sure if it was this way before and since I was busy with work I didn’t notice as much.
We were having issues with sex and we started working on it spicing things up. He has self esteem issues, we both do but I think his are a little more complex, because sometimes he can’t get it up. I was trying to do everything to make him feel comfortable with me. Yesterday he told me that he wanted to try inserting something up his bum and I was up for it. I went slow because I know how it feels, he told me it was hurting so I stopped and told him not to worry, it’s better to go slow because that way he won’t get hurt. Right after that he got mad at me because he said I didn’t like what we were doing.
I told him that’s not true I wanted to bring the spark back to our sex life as much as he did. He still got mad and told me I was lying. Now if this was the first time something like this happened I would be like okay we’ll try again tomorrow. However, it’s not the first time it happens he always finds something to be pissed about. Whether it’s the way I “looked” at him during sex or the way I didn’t bring him breakfast in the morning, even though I asked if he wanted an omelette and he told me he didn’t because he’s super picky with food, he always finds a way of blaming me and I am TIRED.
I told him I was tired of always having to guess why he was mad at me. He got angrier and said then why are you still married to me? We haven’t spoke to each other since that happened I have told him about this issue before. In the end he tells me he’s sorry but minutes later does the same thing. I am not sure if he has some bipolar disorder I have never been in a relationship for this long.
Since I am not working I have been trying to make more house chores. This is new for me since through our relationship I have always worked and it’s the first time I get fired. I never had in mind been a stay at home husband. I am not sure if that’s why he’s angry. Honestly I feel kind of relieved that they fired me because I was covering for like 5 positions and the work environment was toxic. I thought he was going to be more understating, I try to not spend a lot of money.
It has gotten to a point where I don’t know why he’s mad anymore I ask him and he just says he’s alright but doesn’t act like it. I am tired of walking on egg shells I love him but I am afraid this might be the end of us as a couple. Any advice or thought? Am I the crazy one? Please help.