I’m gonna lay out the whole context here, and it’s 2 years long so bear with me. A TL;DR isn’t really possible as there’s so much important context to whether or not IATA.
We’ve been married almost 10 years and she’s from overseas. She came here through our marriage. We were happy and doing extremely well for ourselves.
The problem started to 2 years ago. My friends wedding. Afterward we went out and then went to another friends house to continue partying. At the party one of the wedding guests started having a pity party about how he’s depressed because all these happy couples are around and he’s single.
For context. This guy is weird. He’s disrespectful to women, capitalizes on captive audiences (waitresses most often), and is overall a loser. He’s got a good job but that’s about it.
My wife, listens to his sob story and says “I have a sister!” and immediately starts FaceTiming her sister. This is something I’ve said isn’t okay. We’re not tinder, and we’re not matchmakers.
Beyond that her sister has a history of treating her poorly. She constantly told my wife she’s stupid growing up, well into adulthood. She blocked my wife for a whole year because my wife called her and told her not to go on boats with men she doesn’t know. Told my wife to live like she doesn’t have a sister. For a whole year I consoled my wife a couple times a week.
Anyways we were both drunk and with people so I’m not gonna start a fight right there. I figure I’ll talk to her about it maturely later. So I do. In the meantime, I switch to speaking Arabic with her sister and tell her this isn’t okay and isn’t what she wants.
Her and my wife to this day claim I was happy and supportive. They claim I was too drunk to remember. But there’s a few things wrong with this. I drove home, I take drinking and driving VERY seriously and would never, ever do it. In fact, if I know I’ve drank too much, I’ll hand my keys to a friend before the liquor starts hitting, just to avoid any possibility of making that bad decision.
Secondly, I switched to Arabic. I’m white. Arabic is a language I learned. When I speak it, I speak it very, very deliberately and remember the conversations perfectly. I know exactly what I said.
Anyways, when I talk to my wife later, I’m told how it’s wrong to prevent her from helping her sister and how her sister really likes this guy. A guy she talked to for 5 minutes. I told her it’s wrong to think of it as “helping” her sister in the first place and that her sister is a grown woman who can find her own partner.
So my wife says “okay I’ll tell my sister to stop talking to him”. That was the end of it. Or so I thought.
A few weeks later I’m at a different event and this guy let it slip they’re still talking. Immediately I’m upset and text my wife about how she lied to me.
She said her sister was really falling in love with this guy and separating them would be wrong. She said she did tell her sis to block him but when her sis went into a depression she told her she can unblock him and talk to him, behind my back.
Upset I told her we need to talk about going behind my back and how disrespectful of my boundaries this whole ordeal was. She said “it’s okay I’ll tell her to block him again”.
Over. Or so I thought for the next few months. A few months later I again am at an event with this guy and this time he’s smart enough to lie about them talking. But I’m a salesman and a bullshitter. You can’t bullshit me unless I trust you. I knew immediately he was lying but I let it go. I did ask my wife and she said no they’re not talking. So I believed her.
Well, a year and a half goes by. In that time her sister and her fought about how her sister could come to the US. We said we’d help her but it’s a lengthy process. At the time I had little animosity toward her sister and would’ve loved to see her come here and be near my wife again. She wasn’t happy with that and said it takes too long. This is her sister’s mindset.
Anyway. Her sister gets a B1 visa in the meantime, temporary business visitor and wants to come visit my wife. Lies through her teeth about her intentions to the immigration officer, telling them she wants to stay 90 days. They approve her for 60.
So we file for an extension ASAP so she can visit for 3 months. Staying with us the whole time. I wanted her to have fun on her visit so I arrange for my friends and I to go out. This guy shows up. She talked to him and told him our plans.
Immediately they disappear into the casino and come back holding hands and all kinds of PDA. I’m fuming because I know she’s a conniving word I won’t say here. I don’t say anything though and we go through the night and I let it go so I can have fun.
The next day he’s picking her up from my house and they’re out for the whole day. The next time my wife is off work, same story. Well, I thought you were here to visit her? And that’s where I put my foot down.
I got told it was wrong to try and control her, wrong to try and separate them, etc. etc. etc. Finally she blocks his number and he calls from a separate number. I turn off her SIM card because I’m not gonna support her going behind my back in my own home. He calls me and tells me he really loves her and just wishes I’d accept it.
I tell him very plainly I will never, ever accept it because it all stemmed from him, her, and my wife going behind my back. Primarily my wife, as she’s the only one of the three I should be able to trust is telling me the truth.
At this point, I feel as if my wife had an emotional affair, although it’s with her own family. She repeatedly chose to go behind my back, against a boundary I had told her repeatedly before this situation at my friend’s wedding after party ever transpired. If that’s not an emotional affair, I don’t know what is.
So I tell him bluntly to not call me anymore and I’m not going to change my stance, and his feelings don’t mean shit to me. He started to give me a sob story about how we’re friends and he I should be happy for him and I cut him off and told him to save his breath.
My wife is upset at me for how I talked to him. Another emotional affair. Trying to protect the feelings of this dude.
The next day, while my wife is at work I’m eating lunch at our dinner table and studying schoolwork her sister comes to the table and starts talking to me about this guy asking if I talked to him and I tell her plainly I did and what I told him.
She goes into a story about how she really loves him, she’s an adult woman and I shouldn’t be intervening etc. I told her I agree I shouldn’t ever have been involved and neither should my wife. I told her to save her breath with any talk of her feelings because I don’t care. She started crying telling me I’m cruel etc.
I told her at this point I’m done being nice. I’ve been lied to for 2 years and it’s over. I’m done being my laid back self and I’ve been pushed repeatedly and I’m standing up for my marriage and my boundaries.
I did turn her SIM card back on so she could call my wife and I, her hosts.
The next morning I wake up to my wife in tears calling me to her sisters room. Her sister is bawling her eyes out and packing her bags to go home. I talk her sister into coming for a car ride with my wife and I to talk things out.
Immediately in the car my wife starts berating her sister about how she’s selling her for a man and a whole host of other things. I calm my wife down and tell her that’s not okay to say to her sister. Because against what they thought I don’t want and would’ve never wanted this to cause a separation between them. I know how much my wife values family.
In the car her sister tells me she really loves this guy and that she can see them being a family one day etc. etc. etc. I tell her plainly don’t ever bring him around my house, if they do marry and have kids, don’t ever bring them around my house, and don’t consider me her brother in law because I will never do anything for her again after she goes home.
My wife is shocked, she’s shocked and they both wonder how I could be so cruel. I said I’m over it. I’m over hearing about this guy, I’m over being used, and I will never again trust her. She said she understands and resumes talking to this guy.
A few days later we’re in the car going to a family event with my family and I get asked if he can come. I said no, very politely. I said no, he’s not part of my family. I was told how terrible I am, and my wife and her sister both jump out of my car in a bad part of Chicago, an area neither of them know.
My wife calls my family and tells them I kicked them out of the car. So my family starts blowing up my phone screaming at me. Once I explained the situation my family said they’ll come pick them up but I hung around and kept driving by to make sure they were okay. Eventually my wife calls me and says they’ll get in.
So I pull over and they open the doors and my wife goes “I’m scared I don’t feel comfortable getting in the car with you”. So I drive away pissed off. This is a 85,000 car in a bad part of the city where carjackings happen every other day.
I go park somewhere but keep an eye on them to make sure they stay safe. A homeless guy passed them and my wife calls me to come get her. So I do and we go home.
Again her sister packs her shit and cries that she’s going home. I tell her to relax, sleep on it and we’ll talk in the morning. She does eventually and in the morning she decides she’ll stay.
A week goes by and I hear nothing about this guy from her. My friends and I all joked about him and made light fun of him. He caught wind of it and cried to my wife’s sister who told my wife, who came to me and aggressively told me to stop and leave them both alone. I got pissed off because this was a private convo between me and my friends and if he heard it and got his feelings hurt it’s on him.
This spiraled into a huge argument with me, my wife, and her sister. In the argument I asked her sister plainly if she planned to leave at the 90 day mark. She said no.
So I kicked her out of our house. Her and my wife went for a walk and I yelled out the front door to get her shit to the curb before the walk before I do, because if she doesn’t do it herself it’ll be thrown on the wet ground. They both thought I was joking before then I assume. Her sister comes in and packs her stuff and gets out. I said if you plan on staying here illegally it won’t be in my house. If the choose is between here or the streets, it’ll be the streets.
She went to stay with the boyfriend and his parents. His parents must not have liked her too much because within a couple weeks they made them both move out.
This was in January of this year.
Since then, I’ve been repeatedly goaded into accepting this. My wife has tried to get me to visit her sister, etc.
It came to a head recently at a wedding we went to for another friend. Her sister and this guy were there. I didn’t say a word to either one the entire night and all was fine.
Except my wife spent the whole night at their table because he wouldn’t dance or do anything to have fun. She can’t handle the idea that her sister might find something she doesn’t like about this guy. She has to be there just in case the relationship goes on life support.
This pisses me off, obviously. She’s more invested in their relationship than she’s been in ours for the past 2 years. Grown adults.
Well, today she was going to her sisters house. She had 2 bags. An ulta bag and a discovery bag. I asked what that is, and she said it’s for her sister. She pulled out taco shells and said it’s just small stuff she wants her to try. But I could see through the bag and saw beauty products. I’m not an idiot.
I looked in when she went to the bathroom and saw a fucking armoire full of shit. I looked at the receipt. $300. I was fucking livid.
I continued getting ready for work and said “her husband can’t buy her that?”. It’s confrontational, yes. But I said it politely, and was open to talking about it.
I get met with immediately hostility. I never raised my voice but I made it very clear I wasn’t being nice about this or anything anymore.
I told her “maybe she could pay you back and find you a new husband”. I’m going to give her a choice. Me or her sister now. Because this has gotten fucking ridiculous.
We pay for her to come here. She hired an immigration lawyer apparently, but doesn’t have money to pay me back for the flight or even pay for the Ubers they take or anything. My wife is trying to make up for this losers shortcomings. He’s too much of an idiot to see that her sister is using him.
By the way, this isn’t her first fiance. It’s not even her first western fiance. She’s been engaged to at least 3 different guys. One from France, another from Belgium, and a third from Canada before this guy. She was looking to immigrate. He’s a fucking idiot though so, oh well.
My wife’s sister is very materialistic. My wife is fortunately down to earth but is so far up her sisters ass because she thinks if she doesn’t do everything her sister wants that her sister will cut her from her life again. Which is exactly what would happen.
I told her that’s on her sister. I’m not asking her to never talk to her sister. I’m asking her to stop treating her sister like she’s a child and putting their relationship before ours. Stop bending over backwards for a grown woman who will throw you away the moment you’re inconvenient.
But it’ll never happen it seems and it’s the reason I’m strongly considering divorcing her. I’m over this fucking shit. Oh, and by the way, my wife claims that she’s scared of me etc. now when she tells the story to other people.
I have never and would never hit my wife. I’ve never given her any reason to be afraid of me. So to put that out there on me is absolutely fucking bullshit and I’ve lost all trust in her.
AITAH?

Hey y'all...so this has to be one of the craziest things that's ever happened to me and I really wanted to share it. Buckle up cause it's a long one...sorry in advance lol.
It started in 2019 I (26f but back then 21) met this dude (23m at the time) on kik from the Netherlands, let's call him...butthole. So, me and butthole hit it off, we're vibing, we're flirting, all that shebang.
We decide to date online long distance (cause I still lived in America at the time) so we text every day and we call a lot and it's just sooo nice. He was really sweet and nice to me. Well, August of that year I went on a trip to Ireland and got SA'd while there we'd been dating for 3 months at this point.
Once I got back home I finally worked up the nerve to tell him cause I legit had PTSD from that shit and when I did, he got mad at me. He accused me of cheating...I was like wtf?? So we broke up and went no contact and that was that.
Until
2020 it's lockdown....my diddly dumbass was lonely and bored and decided to text him! Like girl wtf was I thinkin? So I text him and he ends up apologizing for accusing me of cheating. He realized he was wrong and just like that, we went back to vibing and flirting. We're also making low key plans for me to visit him once lockdown is lifted too. After a few days of this I'm thinkin we're gonna get back together. But he says to me "I have something to tell you and you're gonna get mad at me".
And I'm like....ok? I didn't even know what to think like no clue what it could be (cause I'm dumb lol) And he goes "so I'm actually living with a girl who is (and I quote) officially my girlfriend". Oh man I was pissed and really hurt...like that fucking hypocrite!! So he goes on to explain they'd been dating for 2 Y E A R S!!
Anyway, so I'm dumb and was so in love and had no self esteem and thought he was the best I could get so I ask if he wants to leave her. He was like yea but we have a house together and I recently lost my job because of the pandemic so it'd screw us both over if I left now. I should've run right then and there but nooooo.
So I was like "you want to leave her and be with me right? Like, you will right?" And he said yes, I want to be with you, I'll leave if I can, blah blah blah." After a couple weeks of us acting coupley, sexting, sending pics, flirting and shit I woke up one day and realized, he's never gonna leave her for me. Ever. So....I decided I have to find this girl and tell her cause this is bullshit.
Problem is...I know nothing about her and apparently barely anything about him. He wouldn't tell me her name or anything. And he told me back in 2019 that he doesn't have social media (I should've known that was a lie cause who doesn't at least have facebook?) So I have nothing except his first and last name (later I find out he lied about how his last name is spelled and he gave me his nickname instead of his actual first name!...bro is a pathological liar I s2g!)
I tried looking for him on social media (obviously I didn't find him) I would try to ask about her name, but like in a really chill way, obviously he wouldn't tell me. I got desperate and googled Netherlands chat sites, and got on one and legit asked each person if they knew butthole mcbuttface from Rotterdam...I knew it was a long shot but I had to try.
That ended in a flop (well not entirely but I'll get back to that later) So then I get real crafty. I decide that I'm gonna play an adult fun game with him. I ask a question, he answers it truthfully and he gets a "reward". So I made sure to write out all the questions, starting with super innocent ones and I put the really revealing ones later cause I figured he'd be thinking with his other head at that point so he'd answer anything I asked.
We didn't do this over video call, we texted and I sent videos doing the thing (that way I could write down his answers) I did a lot of shit I'm not proud of. But I got the answers I needed. So I went all FBI and I got the specific area he lived from him and I ended up finding roughly where his house is, I was hoping I could find her name somewhere with that but it was a bust.
I tried to use the other answers to find stuff but I got nothing. I then decide to confront him over one of the answers (his brother's name) cause I legit thought he lied, it didn't sound like a name a Dutch person would have. He told me it was the truth. It's a really weird name for someone in the Netherlands so I looked him up on Facebook and I FOUND THAT BITCH!
That's how I realized he gave me the wrong spelling of his last name. So through his brother I found butthole's page and through butthole's page I found her!!! It took me weeks to find her! I was so shooketh! I couldn't believe I actually did it! So I go and look through her profile for a bit and I see that a few days before we played that game he FUCKIN PROPOSED TO HER!!!
I literally screamed when I saw that...I was so pissed and upset that he did that to her..... So I take a shit ton of screenshots and send her a message basically telling her everything. And she responded like "omg thank you for telling me". Like she wasn't upset at me or anything and that made me so sad. We chit chatted a bit and she was telling me all this shit about how she heard he was only with her for her money and blah blah blah...and she asked me for a few more specific screenshots which I gladly sent.
Then she said that she was at work and would confront him when she was home. I was in full support mode and was like I'm here for you and I'm so sorry this happened. And she was in support mode and she said she was sorry it happened to me too. So we exchange numbers and start texting. Later she texted me saying that she was off work and she was almost home and I wished her luck. At that point I texted him saying something like bye bitch good luck and blocked him lol.
So then I waited to hear from her...I check an hour later and saw that she blocked my number....I was so confused. I genuinely wish I could know what he said to her cause y'all...she ended up staying with him and getting married.I saw the pics on Facebook lol but yea....she could do so much better like...idk how this gremlin lookin ass bitch pulled 2 girls cause he's ugly inside and out. Idk if they're still together. I haven't looked in on them since I saw the wedding pics.
So yea, that's my story...but I said I would come back to the chat site not being a complete flop. I met a dude on there and we became friends and he introduced me to a guy who is now my boyfriend of almost 4 years and I ended up moving to the Netherlands to be with him lolol....I'm nowhere near where butthole lives so I'll never run into him but yea thanks for reading!

If you rolled your eyes at the title, I get you. I FEEL you. I was you.
I’ve put international travel, and the drinks that go along with it, on a pedestal my entire adult life. Just thinking of an aperol spritz on the Italian Coast, a lager in a Munich biergarten, or a gin & tonic sundowner over the African savannah makes me actually salivate.
I’m also 62 days sober. This stint at sobriety isn’t my first rodeo, but it is different. The jig was up. I asked for help in the form of detox and IOP. I shifted my mindset from “I’m not drinking right now” (always followed by “I bet I can moderate now”) to truly wanting to live a life free of alcohol. It is better that way, and I deserve that. Full stop.
With that I accepted there would be some brief pangs in exchange for much greater payoffs, and have attended weddings, work events, funerals… But holy shit, I was pissy AF about vacations.
I spent this past long weekend in Mexico City with my partner. We filled the days with amazing meals, art, espresso, long walks, architecture, late night ice cream, and so much quality time. And whatdya know, an ice-cold mango juice from a street vendor started to tickle my brain into a joyful, childlike state that a mezcal tasting just wouldn’t have.
We didn’t get into any drunken arguments. We didn’t get lost. We saw everything we wanted to. We kept our belongings. We didn’t put ourselves in any unnecessary danger. We were able to treat altitude sickness and a touch of Montezuma’s Revenge by resting and hydrating and then putting all our money saved on alcohol toward massages. Gosh darn it we had FUN.
I’ve flown millions of miles in my 36 years of life, and have never come close to the feeling of peace I had touching down at home last night. Content. Happy. Proud. More in love with my partner than ever.
To those of you that are future tripping this milestone: it can be amazing.
PS: It is uncanny how much altitude sickness resembles a bad hangover. Halfway through lunch our first afternoon, I was hit with a sudden wave of dizziness. I’d have myself to thank for feeling that overheated, nauseous, and anxious (+ way worse) if I’d kicked off the trip with my usual 2 (but probably 6...) 7am lounge mimosas.

Hi all! First off, so glad this sub reddit exists because it was a life saver when I was making decisions on my own ACLr and knowing what to expect from surgery. I'm a 2x cancer surviver, Paramedic, Rugby player, and now have been a caregiver to my partner who just celebrated 3 months from her own ACLr. I collected a bunch of advice and tips and tricks that I have used both during cancer treatment, my own experience with ACLr, and now through care taking my partner through hers. I know there have been guides before, but mine is a bit different and aimed at caregivers so I thought I'd post it here since ya'll helped me so much instead of it just circulating the rugby community every time a teammate or friend has to have ACLr or some other reconstruction. Hope it's allowed and helps!
A Cancer Patients Guide To Knee Reconstruction Recovery
A Comprehensive Guide To Surviving and Thriving In the Pre and Post-op Period Built From The Perspective of Caretaker and Patient.
Before The Date
__/__/____

Preparation

It is important to adequately prepare for surgery in the weeks and days leading up to the procedure. A significant period of immobility and reliance on support can be expected immediately post-op and will vary by procedure and personal experience. Physical modification of living space and thorough preparation allows for the immediate post-op period to be free of emergency store runs and the small inconveniences that can add up to big frustration. Not having food and drink nearby as well as other essentials may be a small deal now, but can turn into a big deal when you can no longer get those things for yourself. While physical preparation (home modifications, adaptive tools, meal prepping, etc.) are important, mental preparation is crucial to the long term success of the repair. Making small, achievable goals in the immediate post-op period and maintaining a long sighted view of recovery will make the pain and immobility that is initially experienced more bearable. Additionally, social support through a partner, family members, or friends is an essential part of recovery, as is maintaining contact with sports teams or other social groups during rehabilitation.

General PEARLs

• Pre-surgical rehab is an essential part of recovery and can improve immediate outcome so if it is a resource available to you- use it!
• Learn the basics of your procedure such as reconstruction technique, graft type, surgeons recovery timeline, where you will do your rehab, and what you should expect going into and coming out of surgery. Knowledge is power and can give a sense of control and set reasonable expectations in a situation that is otherwise out of your control.
• Seek out positive experiences and recovery stories from other people who have had your procedure and gather as much advice as possible from resources such as ACL. Know that some people will have negative experiences, everyone is an individual, and that much of your long term recovery is in your control.
• Expect and learn to advocate for yourself or the person you are taking care of. Be vocal and honest with any needs you may have and understand that issues may come up in the immediate post-operative time that you as a patient or caregiver may have to contact your surgeon to resolve. Familiarize yourself with who to call and when *before* you leave after surgery, as well as being quick to call with any questions or problems that arise. It is better to be told that what you are experiencing is normal than to sit with the anxiety of the unknown.
• Create a folder with all relevant information: Surgeons name, procedure information, follow-up appointment dates and times, phone numbers, emergency contacts, facility of choice in an emergency situation, and any other important information. Maintain this folder throughout your recovery and add paperwork as it comes.

Days Leading Up To Surgery

• Contact support people and confirm any arrangements that have been made including but not limited to: Who is taking you to/from surgery, child or pet care, transportation to first PT appointments, meals, etc.
• Recommended Items we found essential:
  • Ice Machine (Polarcube, etc) if at all possible
    • Recommend checking facebook marketplace or other second hand options, as they cost hundreds new but can be found for $40 or so used.
    • Studies have shown these do actually reduce pain and lend to earlier mobilisation and our experience has shown this to be essential not just immediately post-op but in the weeks and months afterwards so if you *can* obtain one you absolutely should.
  • Large sweatshirt and oversized shorts for surgery day, especially if you wear a bra, as putting clothes on after surgery can be a struggle and it’s easiest to just throw on a sweatshirt and shorts that fit over your post-op bandages and brace.
    • In particular, we found a blanket hoodie to be very useful both for going home and the first few days as it could stay on when moving around/when napping.
  • Neck Pillow
    • Helps with reading or other activities during long hours spent in bed or on the couch and really helped in the first two days to prevent neck strain and provide head positioning during napping.
  • Large pillows for body positioning and elevation of the leg
    • We found cheap, giant, dog beds from places like TJ Max or Marshalls to be more affordable than specialty products
    • A large, thin, dog bed (or blanket) rolled into a tube and secured with stretch bandage or tape around the surgical leg and brace helped significantly with comfort during sleep so that the leg was padded, comfortable, and the other leg didn’t get roughed up from the brace.
  • A shower chair
    • Can be found used at second hand stores like Goodwill, or cheap online
    • Easy substitute is a chair covered in a trash bag
    • Allowed showering the second day post-op which was a huge mental boost and relieved physical discomfort and achy muscles
  • Extra large leg cast cover
    • Can be found cheap online
    • Placed around outside of brace covering the entire leg initially, we then found it easier to place on the leg and place the brace outside of the cover for the remaining healing period for the incisions: We did this after the first PT appointment when it was safe to take off the brace for short periods while laying down. We acquired a second post op brace from a friend (you can find on eBay for cheap) and it was amazing to have, as we could let it dry after showering and immediately put her post op brace back on.
  • Foldable stool
    • Great for elevating the leg during transfers, while on the toilet, etc.
  • Lap Desk
    • Great for eating on the couch or in bed, but we also found it useful as a side table for holding drinks/meds/remotes/books that could be taken to whatever room they landed in at the time
    • A small table works as well, really just anything that can be used to set things on within arms reach
  • Assortment of sodas, water, seltzers, snacks, etc.
    • There is no way to know what you will want and when, but when you want it it’s nice to *have* it available
    • Appetite often decreases after surgery so make sure to have favourites on hand so that when you *are* hungry you have it immediately before your body changes its mind
  • A big bucket
    • We used a soft plastic beach type bucket from the dollar store, it was extremely useful to have to put small items in, a small towel, a spare water bottle, extra meds, baby wipes, etc.
    • Also doubled as an emergency puke bucket, as you never know when a sudden bout of nausea might hit in the first day or two after surgery
  • Extra reusable ice packs and bags of ice
    • Your home ice maker will not be able to keep up with the demands of constant icing the first week or so
    • Reusable ones are great for ‘hot spots’ and short trips where you can’t take the ice machine
  • Extra steri-strips and assortment of bandages
    • Sometimes there’s extra leakage, sometimes your steri-strips come off and you need to slap a new one on, sometimes you’re allergic to the ones they put on you at the hospital. Always consult a medical professional, but it’s handy to have these on hand just in case.
    • We also used a bulky padded bandaid to keep the brace off the healing incisions once the large post-op dressing was taken off which helped immensely.
  • Compression sleeves
    • Aside from helping with swelling these also provided a layer of protection under the post-op brace
    • We found cheap ones at Wal-Mart (copper brand) but also just bought a cheap pair of leggings a size down and cut off one of the legs to use before getting a more expensive one once swelling had fully subsided after a few weeks. Your leg will change so cheap works great at first, then you can get something a bit more substantial when you know what you’ll need long term. Now she wears high compression socks to sleep 3 months out.
  • Slide on shoes
    • Self explanatory, bending down to put on shoes becomes a chore after surgery. Avoid flip flops or other styles that can become a trip hazard.
  • Baby Wipes/Dude Wipes/etc.
    • Wiping down after you get home from surgery can help prevent that icky feeling and restore some sense of normalcy, then can be used over the next few days before you can shower more normally
  • Lotion and chapstick
    • Hospitals dry out your skin big time, and lips are often cracked post surgery from intubation/LMA placement
  • Small, easily labelled tupperware containers
    • Regular pill containers are too small to hold pain meds, OTC pain meds, anticoagulants such as aspirin, supplements, and edibles or other small things you take with your medication. We got small tupperware boxes with lids from the dollar store.
    • We found it very convenient to have six sets of meds set up and labelled with times which meant we never missed doses and could leave the next dose of meds at bedside, take them with us when going to appointments, and keep up with what had been given and when.
  • Small notebook to record med times and other important information
  • Two extra changes of clothes already setup and ready to go
  • Compression device
    • We are athletes so we already had leg compression sleeves but these days off brand versions can be bought online cheap. Studies have shown these lead to reduced pain, increased mobilisation, reduced the chance of blood clots, and there is even some evidence they help with bone healing.
    • We used it 3 days post op and beyond and her range of motion was significantly improved after the first time.
  • A yoga strap
    • Excellent for strapping to the brace and moving the surgical leg
• If possible, pick up post-op medications prior to surgery to prevent any unexpected delay in obtaining them. If this is not possible, verify that the prescription can be filled the day of the surgery by your selected pharmacy and that it has been filled prior to leaving after your surgery. Controlled substances cannot be transferred to another pharmacy without a new prescription sent directly from the provider. You do not want to be trying to get in contact with a physician in the hours after surgery, unable to manage pain, before the pharmacies close for the night.
• Do a thorough clean of your living area, it will make the time after surgery when you cannot independently do normal activities more bearable and a neat organised space is easier to function in when your body is not cooperating. Take special attention to removing tripping hazards and clearing a wide path from wherever you plan to spend your recovery and the bathroom.
• Plan to spend the first couple of days in one spot and on one floor and set up that area the day before surgery. If you have a downstairs bathroom a floor mattress or well setup couch can be your landing pad until you are more mobile and is the easiest during the immediate post-op period. That being said, if you don’t, it’s easier to get upstairs by sliding up on your bum immediately post-op when your pain is still well controlled than realise that you have no bathroom downstairs a few hours later when the pain has started to set in. Wherever you intend to land, plan on staying there at least a couple of days and bring all your supplies to that area. Plan to lay with your surgical leg on the outside of what you are laying on, this makes transferring easier.
• Have your recovery bed setup the day before surgery and prepared for when you return before you leave the day of, including blankets and your supply table setup.
• Meal prep, whether that means cooking or getting easy to make microwave meals is up to you. You won’t feel like cooking and neither will your caretaker the first few days. High protein, easy to eat meals are key! We had chicken and broccoli casserole, egg and sausage frittata, and lots of applesauce the first few days and it was a lifesaver not to have to think about meals.
• Spend some time mentally preparing for the long haul of recovery and make long term plans that fit within your timeline. For example, we planned to attend a rugby game five days after surgery *but* planned nothing else for that day and the next day. We also planned hiking trips the next fall, and other events appropriate for her timeline along the way that could be looked forward to and keep up morale. Remember that this is temporary and that it is okay to be recovering and resting, expect hard moments and days but keep things planned so you don’t get stuck in those down places.
• Eat your favourite meal and eat well the day before surgery. Your body needs fuel to recover and fasting the day of surgery sucks. As weird as it sounds, after multiple surgeries, the pre-surgery night meal of whatever I want is one shiny thing in a crappy situation to hold on to.
• Plan for what you want your first meal to be and consider making a playlist for the ride to and from surgery. Small things, again, help maintain a sense of control and comfort in a situation where you are largely out of control and these things can be done with friends or support people in the days leading up to reduce anxiety and pass time.
• Hit the gym, take a walk, do a hike, visit places or do things you enjoy but won’t be able to do in immediate recovery! We took my partners knee to one last tournament before her surgery, it helped pass time and kept spirits high.

Day Of And Immediate Post-Surgery Phase

• Maintain fasting starting at whatever hour you are told. Some people can drink clear liquids up to a certain point, others are completely nothing by mouth. Your instructions will guide you on this.
• Before leaving home double check that everything is set up how you need it and place a blanket, pillow, drink, and snack of choice in the car. You may or may not need it but if you do it is important to have. Make sure your ice packs are in the freezer ready to go!
• Bring your own post-op snack if you are picky or have food allergies, otherwise you’re stuck with whatever graham cracker and applesauce combo the facility gives you.
• Go with the flow, or as I always say “surrender”. Feel what you feel, have a cry in the car before you go in, listen to your playlist, bring your blanket or other comfort items into pre-op, tell your support person what’s going through your mind, tell your pre-op staff how you’re doing, ask all the questions, and most importantly just do what you have to do. For some people surgery can be overwhelming and the loss of control frightening, but fighting only makes it worse, so whatever you are just be it. I’m pre-op pacer myself, but some people just snuggle up under some warm blankets and wait. Either way, just let the waves take you where they go and know you’re along for the ride. Remember that future you with a healthy joint thanks you for what you’re doing today.
• Speak frankly with your anesthesiologist and utilise any pain control or anxiety control options given to you. There is no award for least meds taken or toughest patient of the day. If a nerve block is available, know that you can request sedation for its placement, and utilise that option if at all possible.
• Caregivers should bring something to keep them entertained and be prepared for a long period without update once surgery has started. Honour your feelings as well, it can be tough to watch someone you care about go through this! Consider having someone to act as a support person for you as well through text or phone, that way you can divert your own worries or struggles to them and away from the person having surgery while still making sure you are also taken care of.
• Make sure that pain is well controlled before leaving after surgery. You have more options there than you will at home and getting things under control once pain has become unbearable can be very difficult.
• Make sure you note when the next dose of medication is due, what medication they should be taking, and write it down.
• Double check contacts from your surgeons office and add any post op paperwork to your folder in case you need the information later.
• If your post-op meal requires picking up, or your prescription, try and do that immediately after leaving surgery even if you are not hungry yet. This is the most comfortable you will be for a while and your support person will be unable to leave for at least that day and night. I have been known to peruse the big gas station after surgery in search of snacks, my partner however simply waved to the nice people at the drive through and napped the rest of the way home before eating some hours later.
• Once you get home crash wherever you plan on spending the rest of the time. Don’t have friends or family over that first day. Just go ahead and sleep through the rest of the anaesthesia and get comfortable.
• Try and keep your home cool, and consider keeping the room dim for the first few hours if not days. Sleep is precious and pain meds can make you hot, and getting hot can lead to nausea. It is better to have the home cool and the person snuggled under blankets and comfortable than be trying to cool someone down who just had surgery and got too hot and is now dizzy, nauseous, and miserable. The least stimulation for the first little while the better, and naps will happen throughout the rest of the day and over the next few days. A cool, dim place lets this happen much easier than a bright, warm place where they might be overstimulated or awakened by noise or activity.
• If allowed, try and activate the quad muscle immediately after returning home and once every few hours by having them squeeze it and feeling for contraction while in the brace. Some people will be able to begin range of motion exercises immediately and if so, make sure to do them as soon as allowed even if that means just helping them by doing gentle manual range of motion movements in the brace.
• If it’s not already on, begin continuous icing as soon as you come out of surgery either by meticulously timing the replacement of ice packs or with the ice machine. Make sure to check the ice machine, replace ice as often as needed, and keep it on *continuously* for the next few days. For us this meant I checked it at every medication dose throughout the night and added ice during that time as well. We went through frozen mini water bottles and bags of ice like crazy the first week.
• Elevate the surgical leg as high as possible, placing support under the heel and calf but not directly under the knee to promote extension and prevent more headaches with gaining range of motion later on.
  • We found that icepacks directly under the knee helped tremendously with the discomfort associated with this.
• Anticipate that bathroom trips will not be fun or easy and take them extremely slow. As a caregiver allow the person to guide you on what they need and don’t need your help with and avoid grabbing or moving someone unexpectedly. Standing, acclimating to being upright, and then proceeding to the bathroom is the best way to do things and rushing will only result in frustration for both of you. A rolling chair or wheelchair can be helpful, but for some people standing up and sitting down is harder than just moving on to the bathroom. Pay attention as a caregiver and know that it is possible they may need your help getting off the toilet or back from the bathroom so be close by and available should that happen. For the first few days do not lock the bathroom door in case of an emergency.
• Place chairs or things to sit on around your path to the bathroom, kitchen, etc. And consider a small backpack or using a rolling chair to carry items around the house.
• Once you know when your next dose is, set alarms for each time your doses are due. If using the med boxes this makes doing meds and keeping track very easy, as they are each labelled with a time and all we had to do was open the box and take the meds instead of finding each bottle and dosing each med individually each time. As the days went on we were able to re-label and time the boxes as needed and remove meds as needed or adapt to what was needed when sleeping or up during the day.
  • For example day 1 would look like:
    • First post-op doses at 4pm box: 250mg tylenol, 10mg oxycodone, 5mg edible.
    • 8pm box: 250mg tylenol, 10mg oxycodone, 800mg ibuprofen, 10mg edible, 12.5mg diphenhydramine (itching and sleep), stool softener, and regular night time meds.
    • Midnight box: 250mg tylenol, 5mg oxycodone, 5mg edible.
    • 4AM: 250mg tylenol, 5mg oxycodone, 800mg ibuprofen, edible (if nauseas or restless).
    • 8AM box (preparing to get up): 250mg tylenol, 10mg oxycodone, 5mg edible, aspirin, stool softener, normal morning meds.
    • 12pm: 250mg tylenol, 10mg oxycodone, 5mg edible, 800mg ibuprofen.
    • Repeated on time, reducing pain med dose as tolerable, and refilling boxes 1x a day.
• If possible do scheduled tylenol (paracetamol) and ibuprofen (or another NSAID), alternating them on the dosing schedule, and take them religiously even through the night. This also goes for additional pain medications, which you will also need to wake to take through the night if you are prescribed for at least the first night.
• Staying on schedule might mean waking up in the night, but it’s better to be awoken to take meds than to wake up in pain and spend several hours trying to get it under control. You may find you seldom need them if your nerve block is in place, or you may just not need very much at all during your recovery. It is easier to trial run this after the first day by stretching out the time between doses from 4 to 6 to 8 and then potentially off entirely, but everyone will have their preferences.
• Eat a small snack with every med dose and keep emergency meds (extra pain med doses, nausea meds, etc.) at bedside as well as the next set of meds due so they can be taken when it is time.
• We found that edibles were a great addition to pain and nausea control after surgery. There are medication options available and having at least one option for nausea is advisable for the first few days after surgery when anaesthesia and medication can really make you want to puke.
• Expect absolutely nothing in the first few days post-op. Some people will feel well enough to move around, others will not be able to do anything but get up to use the bathroom. Expecting nothing is better than expecting more and being disappointed or frustrated. I would highly suggest not making plans until your first follow up 7 or so days after surgery.
• Be obsessive about icing, meds, any PT you have been given, and keeping track of appointments. Give yourself the best start to your recovery that you can and you will thank yourself later!

I (27M) and her (24F) have broken up and it's been more than 5 months now and we were in LDR for 3 years. 3 months before the break up, we went for a trip. We were in LDR and this meet was after 3 months and we both were pretty excited. The place we went was pretty touristic, beaches, aesthetics, vibes, chill etc.
My male friend (27M) lives in the same place where we planned our trip. Me and him know each other since 6 years through same college. At the end of the college we grew closer. He has met my girlfriend once when I made her meet my friends once 2 years ago. Since then they both are familiar with each other, follow each other on social media.
When we started planning the trip, we 3 we're involved in it. We thoroughly planned a 4 day trip, though mostly it was me who planned most of it. I was bearing all my girlfriend's expense as she hasn't started earning yet and still a student.
The trip happened. Throughout the trip, I observed that my girlfriend was hanging out more with him than me, talking more with him than me, was wearing short dresses whenever we 3 were there. I didn't really liked her attitude. According to the plan we were supposed to have drinks on beach side and I love that. But these two said they didn't want to go beach side and we ended up having drinks inside which I didn't really liked. Then the next day, i wanted to do water sports but these two were so drunk that they were not willing to wake up early in the morning. They both firmly said no when I told them we'll go for water sports early in the morning and I was so angry about it, I went to bed angrily. My gf, lying beside me on the bed, asked what's wrong and i sulked. She said are you gonna be okay and I just ignored. She fell asleep. Morning she had woken up early and I was asleep and I found them both talking, having fun conversations and i really felt left out.
My male friend asked her to wake me up and I was so angry about her behaviour I ended up throwing tantrums. And then when I confronted them both about how I badly wanted to do water sports, she told me if I wanted so badly you should have stated that at night so that we could have gone in the morning. After some talks, I let it go.
Then again the next day i found her showing more interest whenever he was involved compared to times when only two of us were there. We two were planning to go somewhere and she was so disinterested but then when I said we'll meet him there, she showed excitement.
Later on once the trip was over, when we talked about it, she told she was finding his vibes good and so she was hanging out more with him and didn't wanted him to make him feel left out by us being lovey dovey couple.
Really? Since when she started caring about his feelings more than mine? Later on she ended up cheating on me by showing interest in some guy in her college and we broke up.
Now am I the asshole for reacting the way I did? Boys, how close is your girlfriend with your guy friends? Do you get insecure or feel left out? I wanna talk about it so that I can have reality check on myself and the situation but we don't talk anymore. even though I can contact her on call, i don't trust her anymore and whatever she says, she'll make it look like she was the right person in all the situations.
So please help me. What do I do if any of my future partners do this again? Feel free to analyse the situation and guide me. Thank you in advance
Some things about my ex: 1. She cheated on me with her ex (basically she went for closure sex and made me believe it was him who tried to force on her the entire time) 2. She wanted an open relationship 3. She went out with a guy once but later dropped because I said I didn't like open relationship 4. I found some shady texts with guys on WhatsApp and snap during the same trip

Hi all! After a crazy, but incredibly fun and rewarding year earning my pilot certs, I wanted to make a write-up of my experience in hopes that it’ll be helpful for any other aspiring or current pilots. To summarize, I went from zero aviation experience to CFII in 13 months, Part 61, paying as I go and on the pretty cheap side. I do want to emphasize that I was ~incredibly~ lucky and had some very generous people who helped me out, and I could not have done this as efficiently and cheaply if it weren’t for them. I’m going to list all my takeaways below, but I think my biggest piece of advice is to network as much as you can because there are some amazing, generous people in this community that want to see us all succeed.
Background:
For context, I’m in my mid to late twenties and have been in the workforce for about 5 years. Through a combination of factors I decided to make a career switch to professional pilot but was hesitant because I did not want to take on debt. I have a family member who is an airline pilot who helped me devise a plan. I moved home and kept working my job remotely so I was able to put all my paychecks towards flying.
Private Pilot – 3 months, 75 hours TT, $12k
I did my private in a Piper Archer owned by my local FBO. The owner allowed my family member to be my instructor and gave me a small discount for pre-paying hours. We flew almost daily. I also took ground school at another local FBO in-person, and that was much more helpful than having to learn everything on my own because I was brand new to aviation. I took the private written exam as soon as my ground school concluded which was also the week of my checkride (bad idea in hindsight, but it worked out).
I solo’d around 25 hours and took my checkride with about 60 hours in the Archer (15 additional hours were in a friend’s airplane). The checkride was challenging, but straightforward and I was well prepared. The DPE said good things about me afterward and I was officially a private pilot! I’d be happy to answer questions or do a writeup in a separate post on any of my checkrides but for the sake of brevity I’ll skip that for now.
~Key takeaways from private:~
Fly as often as possible and make sure your instructor is aligned with that. Also stay on top of ground school. Also, don’t rush to take the checkride before you’re ready, it’s okay to have a lot of practice first. Lastly, I know DPE availability is a big issue in lots of areas and can cause people to have to wait on a checkride even though they’ve been ready for months. In my experience, if you try hard enough and call around, you will find someone. However, it might mean you have to travel a little bit which I know is not possible for everyone.
Instrument – 2 months, 150 hours TT, $14k
I was feeling a little fatigued after private so I was slow to start studying for instrument. I started by doing a lot of flying for fun, mainly flying in the Archer by myself on little cross countries to check off some of the requirements (in hindsight I should have found someone to split time with).
I did my instrument at a flight school in one of the adjacent states. This particular school specializes in accelerated programs, but they do not have a formalized instrument course. I went in-person and spoke with the director of flight operations to discuss my options. Since I had to take PTO to do this, the goal was to finish my instrument in one week with the checkride at the end. I paid a flat rate for the airplane and instructor time. I also stayed over there during that week so I had to pay for housing as well.
Before I went over there, I did some prep in the Archer that I did my private in and took the written exam (Sheppard air). I also purchased Sporty’s Instrument course and used that to prep and for the endorsement needed to take the written. The week I spent at the flight school was honestly a blast, and I was able to take my checkride on day 7 with 20 hours in the plane and about 4 hours of sim time. Again, happy to discuss the checkride in the comments or another post.
~Key takeaways from instrument:~
TAKE THE IRA, FII, AND IGI EXAMS AT THE SAME TIME. You only have to purchase the IRA Sheppard course and can take all 3 exams back to back. Also, again stay on top of ground school because instrument flying requires a lot of technical knowledge. But it honestly is really fun!
Commercial – 3 months, 263 hours TT, $8k
The biggest challenge for commercial was time building, of course. This is where networking saved me. I made friends with another instructor who frequented my local FBO who also owns a plane. He needed the time as well so we flew together a lot and I paid for the fuel. I also had another friend at the airport who owns a plane that he doesn’t fly often and offered to let me time build in that (again, I’ve been so lucky to come across some very generous people).
I did my checkride in the Archer that I learned in with my family member signing me off, and with the same DPE who did my private. Commercial was probably the easiest one I had done so far, but it still was no joke! I will say I was amazed with how much easier things came to me by this point versus when I first started, which was a great feeling.
~Key takeaways from commercial:~
Network, network, network. Spend as much time as you can at your local FBO or flight school and make friends with everyone. Like I’ve said, there are some very generous people out there who love to help out new pilots, and I could not have made it this far without them.
Also, in retrospect, it would have been a really good idea to have done commercial from the right seat. I’ve heard of a lot of people doing that and if I had, I would have been able to knock out CFI a lot sooner and cheaper.
Multi-engine add-on – 1 week, 298 hours TT, $4.3k
Shortly after getting my CPL, I had a week of PTO and decided to knock out my multi add-on. I found a flight school with a Seminole and got ahold of their MEI, and we figured we could knock it out during that week. I contacted the DPE who did my private and commercial and we scheduled my checkride for the end of the week. This flight school was about 2 hours driving from home, and I was able to stay with friends while I was there.
This one was a little challenging because this was in January in the midwest and we were seeing a lot of low IFR days. We ended up getting weathered out the first half of the week, but luckily the Seminole was an easy transition for me and we got me trained up in 3 days, 8 hours of flying. I took the checkride as scheduled and passed (I will say I have had extremely good luck with weather for all of my checkride days so far).
Sidenote: Prior to this checkride, I also took the AGI and IGI exams and asked the DPE who did my multi checkride to sign off on the ground instructor certificate at the same time. I did this because I’ve heard it helps when applying to CFI jobs (shows a little extra effort) and it was easier to do it this way versus having a FSDO issue the cert. Cost me $50 to the DPE.
~Key takeaways from multi:~
Do your research to find an airplane at a good rate. I paid $395 per hour which included the instructor, but I’ve seen some schools charging a lot more. Also, I looked into schools with accelerated courses that you pay as a package, and based on my experience I would not recommend because I was able to do it much cheaper my way.
My instructor did a good job of making sure I knew all the aircraft systems well enough to teach them in case I go for my MEI (which I would like to do soon). Since the MEL is light on material, I highly recommend this. Also, when I was doing research I was told to look for a Seminole or DA-42 because they’re easy trainers, which I would agree with based on my limited experience.
CFI – 1 month (on top of all my experience thus far), 316 hours TT, $5k
This was the scariest one for me. I had heard all along that CFI is the hardest and longest checkride and for the most part I would agree. I originally was planning on going to a school with an accelerated program for this, but after asking around I decided to do it on my own (with my family member signing me off).
This one was heavy on ground school. I got some lesson plans from various people as I heard that’s what everyone has prepared for the checkride, but I hardly ended up using them. I also had a friend send me PowerPoints he made for the technical subject areas. I edited them/made them my own and these are what I ended up using for the checkride along with a couple props.
As far as studying goes, the thing I found most helpful was watching random YouTube videos before bed every night. Although it was all review, I picked up a lot of tidbits that weren’t quite drilled into my brain as I still feel new to aviation overall. As the DPE described it, to be a good CFI you basically need to be a nerd about everything aviation and that’s what I tried to do. I would guess that I studied a few hours a day for a month and a half or so. As for the flying part, I had a little bit of right seat experience prior to buckling down for CFI (probably under 5 hours), so I’d guess it took me about 5 more hours to feel comfortable in the right seat. I took the checkride with the same DPE who did my private, commercial, and multi and passed! The checkride was 8 hours total so definitely a long day. As we were debriefing, I went ahead and scheduled CFII with him as well.
~Key takeaways from CFI:~
Start nerding out now (if you aren’t already). Keep a running collection of links and videos that explain concepts well or teach you something interesting, they will be useful for the checkride. Also, don’t buy lesson plans. As my DPE put it, there are really only like 5 lesson plans for any given topic and we all steal them from each other, so no need to reinvent the wheel or pay for them if someone else can give them to you. I’d also recommend really getting to know the PTS, because it lays out very clearly what you are required to do on the checkride (for example you know you’re going to need to teach runway incursions so it’s a good opportunity to be really prepared). I’m sure my last point is most applicable to those doing CFI on their own since you won’t have a school telling you exactly what to expect.
CFII – 1 month, 368 hours TT, $1.3k
CFII was possibly the easiest checkride to prepare for. I did this one in a friend’s airplane – a Mooney with a G750 and GFC 500 autopilot. It probably took about 10 hours of flying (I already have lots of time in this plane) to be ready. For studying, I reviewed Pilot Cafe, YouTube videos, and obtained some lesson plans from a friend. I did not use PowerPoints or anything for this one. I also had already completed the written exam back when I did my instrument rating. I’m not sure what else to say about this one, but I did it with the same DPE again and passed. It feels amazing to be done with checkrides for a while!
~Key takeaways from CFII:~
Select an airplane with a good autopilot. This made the flying portion of the checkride super easy. For the oral, I highly recommend working with instructors who send students for a lot of instrument checkrides. I feel like there are so many very specific questions that DPEs like to ask on instrument/CFII checkrides, so it helps if you have someone who knows what those questions are going to be. Also, FlightInsight on YouTube and Boldmethod were my favorite resources for this one. Lastly, make sure you know your avionics and autopilot really well, including reading and being able to teach all of the limitations that are in the user manuals.
Notes regarding cost:
I did a decent job of tracking all my expenses throughout this process. I noted in the title that the total cost to me was about $50k, which consists of the ~$45k that I discussed above plus some additional expenses. I also did my commercial ASES rating at Jack Brown’s seaplane base which cost me about $2.5K total (of course this was just for fun). The remaining amount consists of things like buying a headset, books, random accessories, and even some things I called “unnecessary expenses”. I temporarily paid for a membership at a flight school that I barely ended up using, so I put that in that category. While I did everything pretty cheap, I was definitely not perfect!
Here is a further breakdown of my expenses:
Airplane rentals/fuel - $36.9k
Instructor fees - $2.5k (bear in mind I got a lot of free instruction from friends & family)
Ground school - $1.3k (includes actual ground school and books)
Flight accessories - $1.2k
Written exam fees - $1.2k (8 exams total)
DPE fees - $5.8k (7 checkrides; this includes seaplane)
Medical fees - $290
Housing - $900
Misc/unnecessary expenses - $1.2k
Total: $51.7k
Overall Takeaways:
- For those doing Part 61/pay as you go, I highly recommend finding an independent instructor with a flexible schedule. This was key for me because I had a work schedule to work around.
- NETWORKING/MAKING FRIENDS. Go to every fly-in you can, always stop into the FBO to say hi to people, etc. etc. Having friends in aviation was monumentally helpful for me and saved me SO much money. Cannot stress this enough!
- If you are on a timeline, make sure you set specific milestones and when you are going to hit them. Make sure your instructor is on board too.
- Do your research! Reddit has been a fantastic resource for me throughout this process. Talk to people who have achieved the things you want to achieve. I really cannot thank you all enough for all your help and insights on your experiences!
Again, I am more than happy to answer any and all questions. I also apologize if anything is jumbled or confusing; this took a long time to write and I’m sure I missed things. I will also disclaim that while I did a good job of tracking all my expenses, I was not perfect and YMMV for sure. I just hope this gave a somewhat helpful picture for those hoping to do something similar to what I did.
As for next steps, I am aiming for the airlines one of these days! I have a couple interviews at flight schools coming up so I am planning to quit my job and finally start flying full-time soon. I want to do my MEI sometime soon as well but I haven’t figured out how I’m going to pay for the PIC time yet.
I also want to say that I absolutely love general aviation and hope to always be involved in it. I have made so many friends, had some incredible experiences, and learned way more than I could have ever imagined in the past year. For anyone thinking about flying, hopefully this is your sign to just do it! Feel free to comment with questions!

Tldr: had an autism assessment week after appointment. Asked therapist their opinion - do you think I’m autistic? - they said “I think you can pass an autism assessment if you want to”.
Can that ever be appropriate?..
I’ve been working for around three to four months with a private therapist for what was initially presented as an addiction and compulsion control issue.
Over the course of this time I worked a lot on expressing my feelings. With the therapist quickly identifying that I don’t communicate or acknowledge them very well and that I’m very left brained. Analytical, rationalising etc.
Over the course of this time I somewhat came out to myself and my partner again. And I realised that in order to resolve identity issues around sexuality I would need to not just acknowledge my sexuality but live it openly and happily and healthily. And at this point I began to communicate to the therapist that I wanted to redirect away from the addiction focus. Because I was concerned I would put a negative spin on my renewed insights and perspectives, which were helping me in lots of areas.
I made repeated requests to look more at identity instead of addiction.
Anyway a week before the autism assessment I asked her for her opinion about it. I’d been waiting for the assessment for two years as you can imagine. But she did not know how long I was waiting. I acknowledged that it’s not her specialism or expertise and I invited her to decline to answer if she wanted to.
Every other health professional I asked this to. They say it’s not their place or role. And that that and I appreciate the honesty.
This therapist says to me “name, you can pass an autism assessment if you want to”.
I did ‘pass’. In what was really quite radical news for me the qualified assessors told me that I am autistic. And this brought about of feelings about my identity. About being an imposter. I felt like this already but the comments of the therapist who I really trusted and respected played on my mind a lot.
In our next session I began by telling her I was worried because of difficult topics to raise. Number one about the direction of work. She had sent me resources between our sessions about addiction (her area of speciality).
Number two. The comment on autism. I passed now. And what am I supposed to do with this sentiment?
The therapist stood by her comment. She asked why I had asked her as she’s not an expert. I said to her that it was a personal question of opinion and that I had said there’s no expectation to answer one way or the other. I told her that I felt her comment was irresponsible. That it has undermined the assessment or my understanding of the assessment. I said to her she would know that waiting times were long. She became defensive and said that she is not a mind reader. That she could not know if I was waiting for two years. Or whether I had paid thousands of pounds to receive a private assessment. I suggested that it didn’t really matter which one they’re both significant and that I couldn’t understand her rationale for making such a comment.
She stood by it steadfast. She said I had never raised autism specifically in any session with her so she wasn’t to know about it. ??? I said that raising it should not be a pre requisite for providing a benevolent answer which supports the client and maintains professionalism.
She was defensive and told me some things which hurt. She told me about how self sabotage about how confused I am. About how I put perfectionism on to the therapist and have such high standards and I always sabotage my therapy progress with different therapists. Note that she knows about two other therapists I’ve seen. One I met once and decided were no good. And the other one I left in a good way seeking more specialist help.
At this point I stood up and told her I did not want to listen to being put down by someone I come to for guidance. And I walked out. Cancelling any further therapy.
That night at 3am she was posting on her instagram therapy quotes which end with things like “it’s not about you” and about the importance of advocating for boundaries.
Looking further back in her instagram from months past there’s stuff about becoming happy to be the villain in others stories because they will always create their own narrative to satisfy their denial etc.
Am I the asshole here? I just told her that I’d be happier going forward in therapy with someone who acknowledges their mistakes and is not going to insult me.
Now day after I am wracked with self doubt and anxiety. What she did did not de escalate. Didn’t support. And I feel she weaponised my admissions to her against me. Trying to somehow put me down and convince me I’m a lowly addict in need of her help.
If she has opinions on the diagnosis of young people today with mental health issues she should discuss that with her friends and not let it impact her ability to work in the best interests of her clients. In my opinion.
Despite calling me analytical rational left brained with black and white thinking. And telling me I was giving her an info dump. She followed up by telling me that if I’m asking her again now that she doesn’t see any signs of autism.
I wasn’t ready to hear the words she said in the way she said them as who she was. I didn’t tell my self to someone so they could weaponise it against me. My faith in therapy as a whole is kind of shot.

A little disclaimer before I get fully into it: This was my first real, long term relationship so a lot of things still don’t make sense to me, but I will try my best to explain everything clearly and fully.
Me (19M) and my boyfriend (19M) got together in February of 2023. We met through our job, and even before dating we were good friends for about 6 months prior. During this time in my life, I had just turned 18 and was struggling heavily with my self image, self worth, and the idea that a relationship was even a possibility for me. In fact, I would say i was struggling the most with relationships and men in general. When my boyfriend came along it honestly seemed too good to be true. We hit it off instantly, got along very well, and shared a lot of the same morals and values when it came to dating. Except for when it came to sex, but i’ll go more into that later.
For the first few months, I would say the dynamic worked out well between us. Then, he moved out of his parent’s and in with his best friend and her family, which consisted of her mom, dad, and brother. Since the beginning of the relationship, I wasn’t too crazy about his best friend. I do care about her and have empathy for her, but for lack of better words, my boyfriend kind of let her walk all over him. This seemed to get worse after they started living together. And, it became apparent that they did not see eye to eye on most things and wanted different things out of their living situation. She would get jealous anytime we wanted to spend time together alone, and often times would not let us be alone when I was at their house. This eventually was talked about between them and i will say, in the regards of giving us more space, she did back off. However, their living situation was still toxic. They would have disagreements, but ones that would never be talked about or worked through. In turn, my boyfriend would talk/rant to me about her, and I always agreed with his POV, but that was the end of it. He always said that it’s extremely hard for him to confront people due to his own anxieties and past trauma. I 100% understood this, as I struggle a lot with confrontation too, but when it came to the point of his friend putting stress on our relationship/on me and I would talk to him about it, he would say he understood but nothing would ever be done about it. I could’ve very well spoke up for myself against her, but I was terrified that he would be upset with me and it would cause problems for us. I know that’s unhealthy now but in the moment it felt like I just had to get over it.
Then, around OctobeNovember last year, his friend’s mom ended up kicking both her daughter and my boyfriend out over a very small misunderstanding involving transportation. It was one night that I was taking him home from work, and her mom thought she had to pick him up, so we both showed up to get him. She absolutely flipped out over this and used it as justification to kick him out. Then when his friend tried to defend him against her mom, she kicked her out too. She ended up going to live with her current boyfriend and mine came to live with me. At this point, I had moved about 45 minutes away from our hometown with my dad and step family. I was (and still am) working in said hometown, because I do like my job and most importantly the people I work with. My boyfriend could’ve gone back to live with his parents, but honestly, neither of us wanted that. In hindsight, that’s what should have happened.
Up until this past April, everything was okay with our situation. We were living and working together full time and considering he didn’t have a car or his license yet, I was his source of transportation. Something shifted inside of me though. I found myself not being excited about his presence anymore and also not having sexual feelings towards him anymore, which is highly unusual for me. I felt like I had hit a wall that I couldn’t climb over in the relationship. In that moment, I chalked it up to being a “simple” change in feelings and that we were just growing apart. This did not go very well when I told him. I didn’t expect it to, but I know that he wasn’t even trying to fathom how I felt in the situation and ended up being pretty hurtful about it. The first night after it happened, we had a lengthy conversation over text where he was essentially saying that I ruined him and broke him and that I couldn’t possibly have loved him like I said I did since I was doing this. He also said, and I quote, “You built me back up and made me believe I was finally having the life I deserved and then you destroyed me and left me worse than when you found me”. This of course made me feel immense guilt but I knew it was coming from a place of hurt and I didn’t let it weigh me down too much. He also said that I would never find a friend in him and that this was goodbye, and blocked me on all social media and my phone number. Even though I was the one to break up with him, this still hurt a lot because I did and still do very much care about him.
The next day, he reached back out and apologized for how he reacted and asked me if we could try space instead of a full-on break up. I agreed to this because the relationship really did mean everything to me and I genuinely loved him. I did make sure to tell him that I couldn’t make any promises about my feelings returning but that I would try. And I have. Since then, we have still been working together, just not on the same schedule as before, and he is staying with his parents back in our hometown. We still text on the daily because we both made the agreement that we didn’t just want to go back to strangers. We mainly just talk about work and life and what not, but not much has been said about our specific situation on either end. We both agreed that we needed space. We both also agreed to not really see each other outside of work because we both know it would just complicate things even more, especially if we were to still act like a couple and even more especially if we continued a sexual relationship. This brings us to current day.
It has been about a month of space now and although it’s hard to admit to myself, I don’t want to be back with him. After I’ve had time to think everything over, I’ve realized that I may have put up with more than i deserve/disregarded my self and my feelings for him. Sex was honestly not that important to him, but it always has been for me. It’s not all that I care about of course, but I found myself being told no more often than not. I found myself suppressing my true sexual feelings for him in order to comply to what he wanted. I am also the type of person who likes to try new things, and he was almost always opposed to it. For a while I told myself this was the right thing to do in order for us to work out. With all this being said, our sexual relationship was good and we both enjoyed each other in that way, but it was just very inconsistent.
I also now feel like we just started to want different things out of the relationship. We both needed our own personal space which was impossible at the time, considering we lived and worked together on the same schedules and I was his transportation to and from work and also to hang out with friends when he wanted to. We also have conflicting love languages, as mine is primarily physical affection and reassurance while his are more along the lines of quality time, gift giving, and sharing his interests. As far as the love languages go, I knew early on that they were not the same but I thought we had come to a place where they could coexist. I know now that it was starting not work out that way, and I think he felt the same too although I’m not 100% positive as I found it very hard to understand him and his feelings sometimes, as did he with me.
Like I said previously, he struggles with confrontation. Any time I had an issue with something he did that would upset me, it was usually met with silence and a simple apology or “I don’t remember that/That’s not what I meant.” It seemed like he was taking things as a personal attack rather than trying to understand where I was coming from. One specific moment sticks out to me. One night after work, his best friend wanted to see us before we went home, but she got off of work later than us , which meant we would have to wait around for that. I was very tired due to a long busy day and just wanted to go home as did he, but we stayed and waited anyways because he was afraid of her reaction had we not. I did not respond to this well, and I told him straight up that she walks all over him and that I felt he was not considering how I was feeling about the situation either. All i got in response was confused silence and a simple “I’m sorry.” I was not satisfied with this, and after telling him so, he said how he doesn’t know what else to say/doesn’t know how to communicate how he’s feeling. I ended the conversation there because I could see that I was getting nowhere, but I was still very visibly upset. After we left to go back home, he wouldn’t talk to me and just fell asleep on the drive. This caused me to start crying and after he realized and I reiterated my feelings, I was met with a little more compassion and “i’m sorry”s but then the conversation shifted and no more was said about it on either end.
There were also multiple times that I knew that I had upset him over various things, because he would start acting different (short responses, dirty looks, spending more time on his phone etc). But , when I would ask him what I did, he would just say that he’s fine and to not worry about it. For example, on Valentine’s day this year, I made a very inconsiderate joke about his size (even though it wasn’t true). I was trying to be funny and we both knew I wasn’t being serious, but it still was wrong. It did affect him and eventually he opened up to me and we talked about it, and i apologized profusely and all was resolved. But before that, his demeanor and attitude towards me completely changed and he was treating me very differently. Before we talked about it, I was unaware that the joke I had made was the cause of it, but he told me that he was upset about something I had said but told me it was fine and that he’d get over it, while still treating me differently. I didn’t respond to this well because I knew I had hurt the person I loved, and wanted so desperately to resolve it and make sure it never happened again, but until he brought it to light I was stuck in an intense self-hate/guilt trip.
I will say I don’t recall him ever using any of that against me, but communication is extremely important to me and I just wasn’t getting it. It was like , we always were fine together until the more serious issues came about (differences in intimacy desires, communicating our issues with each other , etc.)
It’s worth mentioning that I also struggle with self image/self worth, and a lot of anxiety/uncertainty. I forgot to include it earlier, but another reason the space is happening is because we lost ourselves in the relationship. We still don’t really who we are or what we want from life. I was constantly preoccupied with how he was feeling and how my actions affected him, and he was constantly preoccupied by turning to me for comfort and safety. I don’t blame him for that though, as I know that we have to fully love and know ourselves/know what we want first before making a commitment to someone else. That’s why I struggle so much with knowing if I’m making the right decision or not. I’m also scared that once I tell him, he won’t want anything to do with me anymore similar to how he reacted the first time. I will forever be grateful for the love that we shared and all the good he showed me and would rather have him as a friend than nothing at all, but I don’t know if that’s the reality. And if it’s not that’s okay and I know that, but I haven’t accepted it. I just want us both to be happy in life and live to our full potentials even if that means it’s not together. If you made it this far I’m sorry for the novel but thank you for taking the time to read. I may be the asshole here and if that’s the case, I will do better and I will make the right decisions. I just need a little insight. Thank you again for anyone who took the time.

I’m nervous as to whether or not I passed. I studied probably no more than 200-250 hours, if that, and I didn’t go over the ethics material at all. But hear me out.
Took a look at the mock exam, but didn’t really sit down and actually attempt it properly, just skimmed through 2/3’s of the first 90 questions on LES. I did study the make-up of ethics questions for a solid 30 minutes, but this was all the night before the exam so I chose to allocate my time elsewhere, which ended up being a good investment decision.
I have a BBA in Psychology, but have worked at a BrokeDealer since 07/2022, and got my SIE, Series 7, Series 63 out of the way that year, first try. I listen to podcast and have always done additional research on the market/global and domestic economy. Still, a ton of new info in CFA program.
When studying, I didn’t study in preparation for the test. I didn’t really think about the test when studying at all. I just read through the material and tried to learn it the best I could in the way I saw most fit for myself.
I felt very unprepared for the Exam, I only skimmed through 2/3’s of the first 90 question mock, and didn’t read the ethics section at all.
When taking the exam, I felt like it was way easier than expected, and was honestly a little disappointed that it wasn’t harder. I don’t think I crushed it, but I feel there is a very low chance I got <70, feel more like my range is 75 But with how I felt coming into the test, having not slept the night before, only finishing all material (except ethics) just a couple days before, I feel like I could be overconfident or completely missing something. People tell me I’m incredibly smart, and I’ve heard from people who know me that they don’t think I need to study the full 300-350 hrs recommended, but they also don’t know how much shit is on there man, and I don’t think I’m a genius who can just beep boop bop retain everything. I have always been good at math though and do like Poker statistics/probabilities so the quant section was good for me and I made it my mission to understand all the mathematical formulas in the curriculum. This partially extends to ROE and decomposition of, but most other accounting formulas I forgot.
But I understand all underlying concepts well and felt I was able to figure quite a bit of stuff out mid exam.
I did flag the questions I was unsure of. Basically anything I wasn’t absolutely certain about. I didn’t get a chance to go back and look at all the ones I flagged, but if I had to guess, I’d say I ended with 30-40 flagged in part one and about the same for part two. I carefully read each question and was very thorough with each one. Sometimes I spent too long on a question because I was having fun figuring it out, and felt comfortable on many others leading up to that one, which is why I didn’t have time to go back.
Now, this is the fun part. I felt like I was completely unsure on no more than 1/5 of the ones I flagged. I didn’t know those at all. I have a 33% chance of getting those right. The other 4/5ths, I feel like I at least eliminated one answer choice, confidently, giving me at least a 50/50 chance of getting those question right. But out of that 4/5ths, I think at least 1/2, or 2/5ths of the questions I really had some knowledge that pointed me to the right answer out of the two choices I had left, after eliminating the prior. I think this gives me a bit above 50/50 odds, putting me at 67% chance (more or less for some, but ya know, hard to quantify and don’t want to oveunderestimate the advantage given by knowledge).
So, I did the math: a range of 60 unsure questions to 80 unsure (30part1+30part2, 40+40)
Lower Level (Wrong Answers): 60/5=12 1267%= 8 2450%= 12 24*33%= 8 28 wrong out of 180; Score: 84.44%
Upper Level (Wrong Answers): 80/5=16… Rounding up on all decimals 1667%= 11 3250%=16 32*33%=22 49 wrong out of 180, score 72.77%
I really don’t think I was unsure about 80 questions, but also, idk, because I hadn’t slept and had tunnel vision, and I was already worried, and I’m unfortunately and fortunately aware of all the biases I possess. Curse my psychology BBA. I know I just need to wait, but dang dude. I’m stressed.
Backstory on why I couldn’t study more:
I had to unexpectedly move in January because our apartment had black mold and other toxic molds resulting from lackluster apartment maintenance.
The management team was not willing to pay for our move and withheld funds from us that I figured we were entitled to, so I had to scan the state property code, cite it to them, act accordingly, etc. Ended up getting a lawyer. Still dealing with that.
Found out my brother-in-law was hitting my sisteniece during that time so had to deal with that (didn’t deal with him as I would’ve liked, no crimes committed). CPS called by someone else and then I was blamed by my sister who cut off communications with my family.
Found out my girlfriend of 20 months now has or had HPV and CIN3 cervical dysplasia, precancerous cells at the most severe stage before becoming cancerous, and a whole bunch of other scares around that.
Two family weddings to attend, both out of town. Cousins wedding was on May 3. My test was May 15th, 830 a.m.
Sister-in-law (I will be proposing to gf soon) Graduation to attend on May 10th in Washington DC. I live in Dallas, Texas. Flew out on the 9th, got back on the 12th.
Night of the test, I realized I needed my passport, which I hadn’t seen in months!!! Looked for it in my house, couldn’t find it. After studying an all nighter, left for my parents at 7-715am. Test at 830am. They live 20 minutes away. Testing facility 40 minutes with traffic from my parents. Found the passport, luckily, around 752am. Left. Took express lanes and went above the speed limit. Walked through the doors at 8:32am. Adrenaline flowing. Caffeine kicking. Took the test. Went full tunnel vision. But I really had a good time taking the test, I will say. I did almost piss myself in the last 15 minutes of part 1.

Hey there! I'm GMing Strength of Thousands for a group of my friends (who very much should not be reading this; if you're here and doing so, you know who you are, shoo), and we've been playing for the past couple of months. Just had a session the other night where I got to implement a particular idea I had based on prior session events, and I wanted to talk about it somewhere, to maybe get some feedback on the idea or maybe see if it's something others have done.
I've ran Book 1 pretty by-the-book for the most part, with some additions like bringing in some backstory NPCs, the party's masks being relics, and, maybe most importantly as a change from what's purely presented in the book - Stone Ghost, back during his time as Uduak, having been a student at the same time as Ot. Pretty big timing change, but I've got some justifications for it already, plus it allowed the party to get some information on the "big bad" of the book where otherwise it seemed like they might not get much at all about him.
That said, the party still seemed underwhelmed by Stone Ghost after their encounter with him under the school, and seemed pretty convinced that they hadn't seen the last of him. And, you know what? I agreed. They'd gotten some hints and backstory about this guy, but only properly encountered him directly one time. So, I began working on drafting up an idea tied to someone else they found in those tunnels - Binji.
Poor, sweet Binji. The party took a liking to her pretty immediately; they caught a glimpse of her at the end of one session and practically bee-lined toward interacting with her in the next one, and they've effectively adopted her. It hasn't been too long so far, but they've seemingly made it their mission to improve her lot, and have started doing some research and calling in favors to get her some help with her lice situation, clothes, making sure she gets comfortable accomodations and doesn't just sleep outside despite her insistence that it would be totally okay... All of that fun stuff. The Magus in the party has even expressed a desire to teach her some combat skills, and the party together have made some comments about trying to get her into the Magaambya as a student.
So, the party has a new friend they've adopted from the tunnels, and a defeated enemy who is still lingering, bound by a grudge and ancient magic firmly entwined with his soul. With Noxolo's help and Ot's urging to see if Uduak could be contacted, to help him move on if nothing else, the party engaged in a small ritual (nothing official in terms of system rituals, just a "vibes-based" thing Noxolo was doing) in which they managed to summon Uduak, but the protective aspects failed due to his unique circumstances. After multiple turns protecting Noxolo, a second "ritual" was enacted to bind Uduak's spirit, which also didn't work as intended - and so, little ol' Binji has found herself with the mark of a summoner, and the proud, angry Uduak Basni now finds himself as her eidolon.
Anyway! Just needed to ramble these thoughts out into the world somehow. I'm definitely looking forward to including more of these two throughout my time running the AP. Uduak's likely going to be taking some hits to his pride, on top of this situation vastly limiting his potential to cause additional trouble on campus. And it's looking like Binji will need to spend some time learning about what this new ability is, which should hopefully give me a good excuse for her to take a bit of time before joining the school properly and becoming an initiate later on. Perhaps in time for Book 3!

I'll start with our background. We started dating in our late teens, were both raised very conservative and religious, but have not been for a very long time. Between dating and being married we've been together nearly 20 years. We both only had 1 sexual partner prior from previous relationships that we both thought were mistakes and wish we'd been each other's first. I definitely have a stereotypical guy high libido, but I'd always thought I didn't need a bunch of sexual conquests because I'd be happy just doing all those things with the person I love.
 
Along the way my wife came out as bi. This didn't bother me at all, especially with her stance at the time of "It just means I also find women attractive just like I find some other men attractive, but I'm married and happy with you so that's not something I need act on". She said she'd probably been bi a long time, but took a long time to admit it to herself due to religious upbringing. I also have an unconventional curiosity. Basically I'm a straight guy, but I happen to find dicks attractive at times despite not being attracted to the rest of the male body. About 3-ish years ago she brought up the topic of if she could act on her curiosities with women. She wanted to try making out and maybe playing with boobs, but seemed extremely hesitant at the prospect of anything below the waist. Since she brought that up I asked about if I'd be able act on my curiosity, with a bonus benefit of maybe it being an outlet for me as well with our struggling sex life (at the time she had a very low libido and I'd get rejected 95% of the time when I tried to initiate sex). After discussing we essentially ended up opening the marriage with the boundaries being:

• She couldn't do anything with other men (nor did she want to).
• I couldn't do anything with other (cis) women.
• It would only be for physical fun. Neither of us could have a romantic relationship with someone else. (I knew and told her there was a high probability I would end up feeling neglected/jealous/insecure if I had to share her romantically). So no gf or bf, just a FWB at most.
• She didn't want this to be something that happened frequently.

Now initially I felt completely fine with the prospect of her fooling around with women. I guess it was just kinda the typical male fantasies of 2 women getting sexual together being hot and who knows if that'd potentially lead to a threesome later (though she no gave indication of that being a possibility). She seemed more hesitant at the prospect of me acting on my curiosities, but gave permission since she thought it only seemed fair if she was allowed to act on hers. I started looking after that and ended up finding a pre-op trans woman. This kinda clicked with me since I was attracted to dick, but not male bodies. We met up and she fucked me. Physically things felt good, but the combination of it being my first time having casual sex and it being very unconventional sex made it feel really awkward for me. Afterwards I felt terrible, like I had cheated. When I told my wife I was literally trembling. She was shocked that I actually did it, and said she felt a little weird but that ultimately she was fine with it. I felt better after she wasn't mad or anything. Now a more stereotypical big kink for me is anal, but I've hardly ever got to try it to even know if it lives up to the reputation of the fantasy I've built up of it in my head. My wife had always been super dead set against even trying it, eventually let me try a couple of times after we'd been married for years, but essentially had her mind made up it was going to be terrible before we even got started so that kinda fell flat despite technically getting to try it. I asked if I could try anal with a trans woman since cis women were off the table. She gave me permission, then a small number of weeks later I met up with the same trans woman and fucked her. Despite physically feeling good, it still felt super awkward to me. I basically ended up coming away with the lesson that casual sex isn't all it's cracked up to be and I HIGHLY prefer sex be with someone I'm very emotionally attached to (aka, my wife).
 
I texted my wife at work to let her know right after it happened. Apparently she let out an audible "god dammit" after she read the text. She said she was fine with it but started kinda giving signs that she was uneasy. It seemed like every few weeks she'd ask in a concerned tone if I'd done anything else since then and I'd tell her I hadn't (the truth) and that if I did I'd tell her. I'd still get horny at times, the fantasy would sound more appealing, I'd browse around online some for an opportunity but between people being flaky and me kinda feeling unsure if I should, nothing ever happened again. I'd mentioned to my wife about browsing around some and I can't remember her specific words now but it gave me the feeling she wasn't crazy about it. Eventually I told her I'd basically given up on that and deleted my relevant accounts. Her response was "good", and not long after that she gave me a hug and said she just prefers monogamy. She didn't explicitly say I couldn't do anything else or that the marriage was closed, but it seemed soft closed after that. I'd occasionally fantasize about my stuff, but post nut clarity after porn was basically that the fantasy was more enticing than the reality. She never attempted to search out someone for her curiosity during this time.
 
The beginning of last year my wife got off her birth control that she'd been on for years. A month or two after that her libido started to come back and things have been great. We'd been very fulfilled and don't feel like I need any other outlet. Early this year she mentioned she wanted to try to act on her curiosity now and asked if I was still ok with it. I said I was, and I guess it seemed fair given I got to act on mine before. It was still the same boundaries we set before and she reiterated it'd probably be some infrequent thing. I think she really started in earnest in March. She kissed a friend, but the friend didn't want to go further than that and make things weird. I felt kinda weird, but I still felt fine at that point. Then she started talking to a girl online, met up in public to get to know each other a bit more, gave a kiss goodbye, and had rough plans that when their schedules/privacy aligned they'd meet up for something sexual. I still felt ok at this point, but then my wife started borderline getting obsessed and it started making me more and more uneasy. She hadn't even done anything with this girl yet but was talking about trying to do this every couple of weeks, saying very poorly worded things such as "what does 'romantic relationship' even mean?" (she later clarified on that, but at the time sure felt like she was purposely trying to push on boundaries). When she could tell I was getting uneasy she'd say stuff like "if you pull the plug on this then I won't be happy not getting to explore this part of myself". There were 2 separate times that when her plans with a woman got cancelled she was so distraughtly disappointed that couldn't get back to sleep and had to call in to work because she had horribly under slept.
 
She talks about how I owe her at least 2 times since that's what I got, but she's kissed 5 women since this started, fooled around with 2 of them above the waist, and wanted below the waist too but badly timed periods kept her from that. She says none of that counts towards her 2 times because they weren't full on sex. I want to be comfortable with it for her, but I just can't seem to be anymore. I feel like it'd be dickish to cut her off before her 2 times, but even when I talk to her about the prospect of closing the marriage after her 2 times she can never seem to acknowledge that she could accept that. She just says stuff like "I just really hope you don't" and "I hope we can find some compromise where we can both be happy". She now says I can look for a woman to do anal with. I tried to entertain that idea, but ultimately felt like I just don't want to bother with all that hassle for casual sex (further complicated by a lot of people not wanting to deal with married men, and even more complicated by them needing to be up for anal). She's now mentioned she'd try anal with me some more now if that'll make me ok with her stuff. She does specify that I'm the one she loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with and that she's not going to leave me for a woman, but that she wants to explore this part of her sexuality. She's also been very affectionate and sexual with me because she says she doesn't want me to feel like neglected over this. She doesn't explicitly say this, but she acts more like it's a need now instead of a curiosity or want. At this point I'm pretty sure I just want monogamy with her. I want our sex lives to just between us and nobody else being with her like that. I feel like if my curiosity had turned into some big thing I was super excited about to do a bunch and she expressed anywhere near as much turmoil about it as I have then I would've stopped right then and there, or at the extreme least slow walk it until we maybe get on a better page about things.
 
Last weekend she really hurt my feelings. For background, the whole time we've been together she has hardly ever let me go down on her. I always found this strange since women are suppose to love that, but I've got so little experience with it that I don't even know how much I do or don't like doing it. There was one time she let me do it long enough to get her off (though now says she doesn't remember that), and nearly all the other times she stopped me after less than a minute. For the most part I just hardly ever try that anymore since getting shot down so much kinda trains you to not even make attempts very much anymore. I'm also 95% sure a few weeks back while we were discussing things I said I'd be pretty unhappy/hurt if she let a woman go down on her since she pretty much won't let me do that (which she says she doesn't remember me saying). Anyway, she mentioned one of the women wants to meet up again next weekend and that the woman is really eager to go down on her (and my wife implying she was fine with this). I think I was dumbfounded at first, then after I had time to process it I was pretty hurt that she was willing to let a stranger do that when she'd barely ever let me. She was baffled that I was so "hung up" about that. We argued and she eventually said she was fine with me doing that now, wants to do that with me and just hadn't thought about it, and that it'd been about her personal hang ups on it and not about me. I asked if she could just tell the woman not to do that part or say she's not ready for that part yet, but then she was upset that I was "trying to dictate" what she can and can't do when she hooks up. I just really wanted to be the first to explore that properly with her for at least a little while instead of it being with a stranger that's probably far more experienced with it than me (not by my choice). I did get to go down on her for a full session last night, but there's definitely a learning curve when being almost brand new to doing it. I just really wish we could have a month or so to 'get up to speed' on that between ourselves before she's having a stranger do it to her.
 
She says she wants to try to find a compromise where we can both be happy, but it seems like that only means her trying to bribe me but that anything that might limit or slow her down seems to be off the table. I just feel like I'm stuck between the choice of suffering through it, or forcefully shutting it down and her probably being bitter about that, which who knows what other issues that'll cause. I just feel like if the tables were turned and she was this distraught then we'd mutually close the marriage because even if I was disappointed about not getting some fun side activities anymore that I wouldn't want to make her feel terrible or guilty for not wanting it to happen anymore. She does at least say if it came down to it that she'd choose me and the marriage over this, but doesn't know how she'd feel about not being able to anymore. The irony is I'd probably be a lot more likely to be somewhere in the realm of comfortable with her stuff if she felt and expressed anywhere near my level of concern instead of soft bullying me into stopping short of closing the marriage. Since it went downhill my mood about it can vary day to day from anywhere between "not really keen on this" to hating it, upset, and sometimes tearing up. I guess my overall feelings after experiencing this whole situation is monogomy is much simpler and dealing with other sex partners while married is nicer as a fantasy than the actual reality.

Context, last year I was head over heels for a girl who put little to no effort into the relationship in return, I was conflicted by her actions and our experiences all the while i was reading 1984 by George Orwell. I wrote this at a desk in a school hallway in isolation.
Genre: General essay?
14.5.24
To my love,
I’m stuck sitting in isolation with absolutely nothing to do. I’ve crammed so much of 1984 into my head that I’ll need to push some of it out. 1984 is a lot to read. Maybe it’s the way I read it or maybe it’s the pacing but sometimes I'll be reading it and find myself relating to it in a way. A quote stuck with me;”He pulled her round so that they were breast to breast; her body seemed to melt into his.” It reminded me of way back in the abandoned Asda stairwell when I melted into her- semi-conflicted between love and lust. After the stairwell got closed off; I felt as though I had lost a part of me too. I even found another stairwell but I knew it wouldn't be the same. It would feel forced, like how I turned her into me so that we could face each other. Sure it wasn’t with the intention of making out but it wasn't thought through first- almost impulsively. In1984, a couple pages later, it speaks about the kisses turning hard; unlike the smooth, butter-like melt they were before. I can feel that. It’s almost vivid. I feel as though after the thing with Austin, everything kinda crashed. When [NAME] had red hair, it was almost like she was infatuated with me. When she dyed it back to normal, I felt as if I had lost that. I could be delusional but when she said she hated who she was with the red hair, it kinda stuck with me. Overall, It’s very on-off. One moment I find myself fantasizing about marriage; the next, I see myself breaking up with her on the horizon. But after that first DM on insta, I promised myself it wouldn’t be a repeat of everyone else, she wouldn’t be a lesson or a test, she would be the practical, the real fucking thing. The one who kept me up at night simply with the thought of her. Is it bad if I relate to WInston? Lost and conflicted within society and using writing and reading as a means of escape. It isn’t necessarily illegal but the stuff I write feels like it could be critiqued in a way that makes it resistant- pushing against the normal methods of writing. Actually, I despise Winston. He let temptation overcome him. Sure, his environment may have dictated him into fantasizing rape but I still think that shit’s inexcusable. He still thinks fondly of it afterwards when having sex as well. Orwell is so fucking good at writing though. How can someone write so vividly that I have to stop, think and reflect upon my life and experiences. I think I’ll show [NAME]this paper. I’m not 100% sure she’ll read it; my feelings tend to be insignificant to her. But if someone wrote something about me, I’d be ever-so-curious to find out their perspectives. I also find it quite funny how Winston blabbers on to Julia about death but she abruptly shuts him up. Maybe that’s why she wanted me to read it (I need to stop yapping about death in situations where it’s uncalled for). When I write this, it’s like I’m texting her but she isn’t texting back. Or it’s like when I say something drunk with the drowsiness of fatigue and she reads it in the morning and that shit doesn’t hit the same AT ALL. I still remember when she was in Nottingham and we called the entire night. A part of me hopes that next time she calls (if she even does) we will get back into the swing of things and we can rebuild that bond. But for it to happen, I need to take a step back and stop being so fucking high maintenance. I’m constantly writing. My head has an endless flowing dialogue of words waiting to be scribed but not all of them do. Sometimes it feels like i feel too much; I feel so much; so much so that it numbs me to feeling. I’m not sure if you can relate but it’s like bubble wrap almost. Pumped up with feeling, any other emotion bounces right off. Or like a mental paracetamol, that kind of numbness. When [NAME] said that paracetamol burns holes in your stomach; I guess that's why when I feel numb, the words pour right out. Mental paracetamol should be a coined term. I feel like Shakespeare when I say that. Actually, right now, I feel like I’m in a void, a medium almost. A confined corner; trapped by the constant sounds of expensive dress shoes slamming against the hallway floors. I hope she reads this. I hope anyone reads this. I am seeking attention even in solitary confinement. I guess it’s inevitable for “just another kid with ADHD''. I think I’d like to write a book for her. Not in a puppy love-esque way; instead to make something she can enjoy. I’d have to binge a fuck -tonne of feminist literature to make it work. I’d have to live, breathe and regurgitate Sylvia Plath just to make something enjoyable for her (I’m kidding of course). (Not really). I’ve written so much- this could probably count as a fucking book. I’m not sure where she would even find the time to read this. She’ll probably lump it alongside the Smint container (filled with poems for her) to read when we break up. I think perspective changes a lot about a book. It’s not entirely how a book is written; instead, it’s about how you approach it or how you are introduced to it. I’ve been very pessimistic and pushy-away-ey recently. Regardless, I won’t cross anything out unless it’s a typo. I think it indirectly shows progression of a character especially when it’s in the form of hypophora almost. I want to write the best book ever and then die and have no-one read it. I think that's more significant than writing a shitty book and campaigning and promoting and all this consumerist bullshit. If you were proud of your work, you wouldn’t promote it, you would let it find its reader. For me, I’d put it in those tiny bird box community libraries that no one uses. Therefore, if someone craved my work, they could find it in a place they wouldn't look for it. Not for my book to gather dust on a tall decorative bookshelf. This is a bit of a rant i know. SOmetimes I’ll yap and let the words flow instead of actively writing them. Writing words is the worst way to write. You need to apply emotion and let the words unravel themselves. At least, that’s how I write, critique it however the fuck you want. I was once told that my writing is like a conversation- you know the ones where the other person keeps blabbering and you can’t get a word in. I don’t read enough to know if it’s unique or not but I know why I do it. It’s like I’m conversing with myself. I might throw a name in there or add some direct address. This might be breaking the fourth wall a bit but i guess the entire nature of this essay is. I need to read over my writing one day- I hate to do it but I think I’d learn a lot about myself if i did so. My writing feels a little bit lost at sea. It’s very jumpy from one topic to the next- like scrolling on tiktok. Also, I think there's a mix of me searching for empathy via slight victimization and undertones of slight narcissism. I’m probably over analyzing but I like my writing. Me personally, i get lost in the labyrinth of the lines and curvature of the letters. Will i regret writing so much? I mean sure, I guess a part of me will live on forever in my writing. But, then again, it’s wasting my life. I’d like to live- living is not writing. Living is not reading. To live is to experience with every sense possible. If I see, I am not living. If i smell, I am not living. But, to hear, to smell, to feel, to see and to taste simultaneously is to live. When living isn’t enough, I can understand why people resort to reading and writing. It’s ever-so-simple. I wish I can see [NAME] soon though. I’ll wish for it at 22:22 if i have to. Or on a shooting star. Or maybe even on a stray eyelash. I miss you[NAME]. I was going to say “I crave you” but that’s too sexual and comes with a million connotations. Saying “I require you” is too formal and needy. I think I should stick to the usual. What if i didnt say “I miss you” but instead I said “I miss your warm and enveloping embrace.” Maybe then she would text back.
This is fucking delusion,
From yours truly,
Raffy

I sat in our dark bedroom, the computer screen glaring with a harsh, white light. A banner flashed before my eyes: “Seek wisdom by understanding yourself.”
“Chloe, check this out,” I called over my shoulder to my girlfriend playing The Sims on her laptop.
She glanced up, her brow furrowing in confusion before giving me a bemused look. “What the hell are you looking at?” she asked.
“It’s some cult,” I replied, unable to hide my fascination. “I fell down a rabbit hole and found this local place downtown. It's a derivative of Aleister Crowley and Golden Dawn bullshit.” I pointed to the Google Street View image of a dilapidated storefront in an ethnic shopping center.
She smirked, a hint of amusement in her eyes. “I never pegged you as the religious type.”
“Check this out,” I continued, clicking through the site. “They have some photos.”
We spent some time going through the albums celebrating various solstices. Most were taken in an odd room with black and white checkered floors, adorned with Egyptian pseudo-artifacts, bathed in the glow of red and purple lights that transformed the scene into a surreal dreamscape.
The people certainly had an alternative vibe. Tattoos were plentiful, but other than that they looked like they came from all different walks of life. Many of them looked like they had their fair share of bullying in high school - no shortage of that. But most of them looked relatively normal aside from the occasional piercing.
One photograph in particular caught my eye. A woman, sitting in a bright red room, sat on an altar, holding a staff in her right hand, wearing nothing. A man was kneeled before her, his arms tied behind him, rope anchored to the ceiling. They were sliding a knife down his back, a small trickle of blood dripping to the floor.
“Damn,” Chloe started. “She’s butt-ass naked.”
“You wanna go?” I asked. “They’re having a get together tonight.”
“You know what, fuck it. Why not? It’s not like we’re doing anything.” she replied.
“Good,” I smiled, standing up. “Because I already ordered an Uber.”
She sighed before opening a drawer and pulling out a small pipe. “I’ll go, but i'm not going sober.”
It was a cold, shitty Seattle winter night. We got dropped off in the parking lot and spent a few minutes looking for the storefront. We finally found it next to a dog groomer and Pho restaurant with some pun for the name I can’t seem to remember.
We entered the shop, which consisted of two narrow isles separated by wood shelves barely big enough for me to fit down. We spent some time looking at the various items, my attention diverting to a vial of elk blood. I remember wondering if they were even allowed to sell this without some type of medical certification they definitely did not have while Chloe shuffled through a bowl of mix and match crystals.
“Can I help you?” I heard a woman say from the back as she emerged from a beaded curtain. She was a short, overweight woman wearing what I could only describe as a sports bra and hula skirt.
“Hi, uh,” I stuttered. “I’m George and this is Chloe. We’re here for the… winter solstice celebration?”
“Oh, goodie! Newcomers!” she said with an out of place, overjoyed expression as she clapped her hands. Chloe and I laughed nervously.
“The door is in the back, but you can come through here just this time.” she said with a smile, arm holding the beaded curtain open.
We walked through a dark hallway, somehow more cramped than the shop, into a rather large room. A gaggle of people were huddled in the back, which Chloe and I quietly shuffled into.
A bearded man paraded around the room, white robes and red headdress cascading into a cloak, knuckles adorned with several large rings gripping a spear, held vertically in front of him. Behind him, another bald man, white robes and yellow cloak, followed behind, white sleeves crossed over his chest.
I glanced at Chloe’s bloodshot eyes, THC clearly flowing through her system. I gave her a knowing look, as if to say Having fun yet? She returned a slow smile.
Without warning, the entire crowd clapped their hands together over their heads as a woman in blue robes walked past, waving a censure leaking white smoke. We awkwardly followed to match the group.
The blue curtains on the back wall opened to reveal an older Asian woman sitting perched on the altar I saw in the photos, again, completely naked. And before you ask, no. She wasn’t attractive. It’s never the ones you hope it is. The red robed man kneeled down and softly kissed her knees.
I glanced back at Chloe. Her smile was so big I was afraid she was going to laugh at any moment. I pinched her on the side and whispered into her ear “Do. Not. Fucking. Laugh”. Honestly, I think I just made it worse. Her face turned beet red as she bit her cheeks.
The ritual went on for another half hour or so. They must’ve said “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law” at least a dozen times.
We were getting kind of bored and were ready to leave before the woman in the blue robes wandered in with a caged chicken.
"No fucking way" I thought. Surely enough, the man in the yellow robes held the chicken high in the air, before slitting its throat and draining blood into a large metallic basin. The man winced as the chicken flailed violently, scratching up his arms, before eventually succumbing to blood loss.
One by one, each person there stood between a white and black pillar saying love and intention in Greek before eating a piece of something, taking a sip of blood, and saying “There is no part of me that is not of the Gods.”
Chloe and I hung back, and politely declined when our turn came. Once all was said and done, they busted out some alcohol and started celebrating. We slipped out into the street, bursting out laughing. After we finally collected ourselves, Chloe whipped out her phone and showed me she took dozens of pictures of the ritual.
We laughed our asses off the entire way home. First thing she did was open her laptop and post the pictures on Twitter, tagging the lodge with the caption “me and the boys chilling right now”.
We returned to the usual rhythm of our lives. I went to work, conducting meetings and answering emails, while Chloe went back to her classes. A few days later, Chloe checked her Twitter and saw that she had gained a few thousand likes. The whole ordeal became a running joke between us.
I would eat fruit snacks and sip on my soda, saying, “There is no part of me that is not of the Gods”. A few weeks later, we had mostly forgotten about it, except for the occasional recounting as a funny story to regale our friends.
One night while Chloe and I were spending our evening the usual way with me on the computer and her on her laptop, I felt her furiously tap my shoulder while staring wide eyed at the window. Confused, I took my headphones off and walked over, pulling back the curtain to reveal 6 people standing in black robes and animal masks watching us from the hillside.
“What do we do, should I call the cops?” Chloe whimpered.
“No, they’re just a bunch of larpers. They’re not going to do shit! Just trying to scare us.” I said angrily as I closed the blinds and hopped back on my computer.
Chloe sat there for a few minutes in a tense pose with her arms folded together. She went to double check the door was locked, before we continued our night as normal.
The next day I got a text from Chloe frantically telling me to come home immediately. When I arrived, there was a squad car parked outside our building. I ran up the stairs to see two officers standing by Chloe in the doorway. I nearly shouted asking what was going on. They lead me inside to show me a massive black symbol drawn on our wall, a six-pointed star made from one continuous line.
We finished our police report and they told us they’d get back to us if they find anything. I’ve been robbed often enough to know that means they’re going to forget about this before they’ve even gotten back into their squad car.
Furious, I stormed over to the shop and banged on the window. The hula skirt woman came over and cracked the door open just enough for me to see one of her eyes.
“What the fuck do you think your little posse is doing!?” I screamed at her. “Breaking into my apartment like that!? You all are fucking psychos!”
“I haven’t any idea what you’re talking about”, she said with a sly grin.
“Oh, yeah?” I said pointing a finger in her face. “If anyone tries any shit like that again I’m going to burn your goddamn shop to the ground, do you hear me?”
She looked at the ground, clearly nervous. I have never blown up at a stranger like this but I could tell my threats were working.
After a moment of silence I stormed off again, back towards home.
“You meddle with forces you do not understand!” she called out from the shop.
I picked up a glass bottle from the sidewalk and chucked it, smashing against her shop window, forcing her to close the door and disappear into the shadows. I’m not particularly proud of how I behaved in this moment, but unless you’ve had someone break into your home and draw shit on the walls, hold on to your judgment.
The next few days passed without so much as a peep from them. Chloe and I began to relax, convincing ourselves that the cult had been scared off. Life seemed to be returning to normal, and the unsettling incident became just another story.

-Disclaimer: This is an examination of Dottore being a complex morally grey villain that wasn't just born 100% evil, it's NOT a case that he's a good boy.-
I'll assume Zandik is Dottore since it's very likely (plus, someone tried to name their Wanderer that but it didn't work.)
Let's start with the oldest piece of lore:
-- Doctor's Pinion reveals a tragic past with unknown reasons for persecution --
When Pierro first tried to recruit Zandik / Dottore, he responded:

"Will you treat me like the Akademiya did? Will you call me a monster, a madman?" "Or will you treat me as my hometown did, and chase me away with pitchforks and clubs...?"

Some people assume the persecution was because of his experiments but it's important to note that the fact is we don't know what happened so there's a chance it wasn't something evil. That he could be chased away by "pitchforks and clubs" indicates he was weak at that point and couldn't do anything to stop it.
He also expresses a desire to merge humans with machines.

"With or without a Vision, and irrespective of their physique or combat skills,"Enhanced humans" would surely display strength far beyond the average."

This shows a desire to give power to the weak (likely including himself), even if they lack visions. Which isn't inherently a bad thing, it's just against the Akademiya's teachings. This applies even to Scaramouche, whose power had been locked by Raiden and he unlocked it.
-- Mysterious moral convictions --
Although a lot of the fandom accuses him of having no ethics or morals at all, there are several hints that this isn't the case.
He got mad at Scaramouche when told: "you only care about your crazy experiments" and told Nahida he has "his own convictions, we just don't share them" which were both conveniently not further explained. There is also the Jeht quest incident but i'll discuss it later on.
-- Eleazar hospital notes --
To briefly summarize the notes, he cured a patient using another dead patient's remains. His treatment was harsh but successful. These notes read like a Dr. House script, Dottore not giving a crap about the patient's religious beliefs included.
Abbas had a terrible ending because he had developed insanity and ran away. Zandik/ Dottore left a note warning not to let him go but it seems the staff didn't listen.
These notes align with how plague doctors were misunderstood and feared in real life. This motif was incorporated into his video game iteration, replacing the joker / clown persona.
Some people interpreted these notes as "Dottore murders and mutilates people that are alive for experiments" but there's no indication of that.
-- Aranara experiment notes --
These are the worst by far. It's unclear if the "subjects" were people with Eleazar or healthy people exposed to the withering for tests. It has to be pointed out that it seems the actions were done by his subordinates since it's likely Dottore reprimanding them at the end:

"This is a waste of resources. It is advisable to watch over the subjects' mental state in the next experiment and avoid exposing them to extreme environments... Lab Lead on duty: ████"

Yes, this sounds bad but it's proof he isn't a sadist that enjoys watching pain.
It also means he is higher in a moral standpoint than characters like Jack Horner. These type of characters don't care or enjoy deaths with the pretext of "we can always get more lackeys."
-- During the Jeht quest --
Froderock (a subordinate of Dottore) wants to capture an eremite. It is stated he is acting on his own and that Dottore gave an order not to kidnap eremites.
A note by another Fatui member states that Froderock is going to get killed for going against the order. We can theorize that the Harbinger himself would kill him. There's also a line about "following military regulations" which means his subordinates operate under a code and can't just kidnap people for experiments for the lols.

Fatui Negotiator: Professor Froderock was looking for live specimens in the desert — he always defied The Doctor's orders... That's just pure jealousy, if you ask me
...I urge you to consider, Captain Zoya, that if we are able to complete this research work in the desert, perhaps our entire expeditionary force may receive the favor of our great Harbinger... (This line has been crossed out using a red pen, and a line in red has been added: "How about you consider military regulations? Or perhaps you would like to consider how long you have left to live?")

A similar thing happened with Arlecchino in the Fortune Slip quest in Inazuma. Subordinates of her were acting on their own by following the previous Knave's teachings to make some orphans for the House.
-- *Time of Insight Artifact * --
It mentions a "mad scientist expelled by the akademia" and the text under it seems to be Dottore speaking.
The last part says:

"Those sellswords (Eremites) once did much for me. I trust they will not disappoint this time, either."

Combining Jeht quest with this makes it seem that eremites helped Dottore in some way and he is fond enough of them to slaughter a subordinate that brings them harm.
The following text seems to be Dottore's reason to want to capture Aranaras:

"The dream had to be captured — along with the inhabitants of the forest who could control dreams, To remind that friend once again of one's own form and the memories that were shared.
If the organ that governs memory has taken too much damage and cannot be healed, Then bring another old friend and dwell in dreams of the past together, Play in a small tree house, and explore the limitless depth of the jungle. Yes, that would be nice as well. For in dreams, everyone has a chance to start over."

I couldn't find more info about this "friend". It seems to be someone who suffered the effects of erosion or death, or an aranara that lost their memory.
-- Al Haitham's SQ --
Alhaitham: (To Siraj / the villain, after praising his intelligence)

"You would never let a test subject escape. Mistakes like that are beneath you, and you also won't leave any mistake without a resolution."

This is relevant because we know Dottore is canonically smarter than Siraj yet he didn't hunt down Collei (Barnabas is the one that traumatized and wanted to kill her), Abbas or Scara. It's a known thing there's a Fatui code that traitors and deserters are executed to avoid spilling secrets. Dottore leaves even Scara alone, you may argue that he was lazy but suspiciously Childe, who during Labyrinth Warriors was chasing Scara, soon appeared in Inazuma in a photo taking event, leaving for Snezhnaya, after Scara lost his gnosis.
It was never explained why Childe was chasing him to take away the Gnosis yet suddenly Scara appeared with Dottore without Childe. This is suspicious because Childe loves to fight, to the point he wanted to fight Arle while recovering on her SQ. He didn't even show up to finish off Scaramouche at the end.
To play Devil's advocate, it could also be Scaramouche is a part of some unknown plan too and nothing to do with mercy.
-- Dottore's speech to Niwa --
Taking into account Nahida's story that says: "the monster found solace in the kitten", the black bird referring to himself as "a monstrosity yet they are too foolish to see it" and Dottore's lines to Pierro:

"Will you call me a monster, a madman?"

Dottore sees himself as an inhuman monster. It puts into question if the following line wasn't just about Scaramouche and is actually a metaphor of Dottore speaking about his past:

"Escher: Even without you, that pure, innocent puppet would only end up being used by someone else instead. What other reason would a human have for befriending one who is not of our kind?"

Although Dottore refers to himself as "human", the two lines I quoted previously contradict this. Mentally he sees himself as not human (to the point of finding solace in a living puppet), even though his words say otherwise. There is also a chance this Dottore was no longer human at all, the Nahida story shows the monster bird had tiny floating birds around, even though he hadn't studied Scaramouche to create the segments.
There is also a stark contrast between Dottore joining the Fatui expresing concern over been rejected again yet he is embracing his monster persona in the Niwa scene.

"Escher: Think of me as a monster or a demon, if you wish... "

It could be a sign of a person with trauma who steered into an evil path. Kept getting called a monster until he accepted it.
There could be many reasons for the change, besides being used, -incoming pure speculation- he could have experimented on himself to have less emotions or taking this quote into account: "everyone has a chance to start over in dreams" he believes he can commit atrocities and it won't matter because he plans to do a reset somehow.

" The Doctor: Jester, I have completed the task you gave me. Creating a gap and infiltrating Inazuma's inner workings... Heh, what fun it was. The Doctor: I'd like to introduce a puppet to you. If he proves useful, let's make him our newest comrade. And if not... let's turn him to dust."

The bold part is more clues of either future Scara related scheming or Dottore's words are an act, mercy was shown when he became useless. It also seems that Pierro stirred him into a darker path.
I wouldn't say it's confirmation that Pierro is pure evil because we barely know anything about him, there's a chance it was for some greater good since that's a trend with the Harbingers.
-- Possible Sohreh murder --
At first glance, it seems way too obvious that Zandik did it, it's like watching a murder mystery movie and the first suspect is a red herring.
Since people frequently incorrectly state: "Dottore murdered a girl while they were having a picnic" like a fact, I'm going to make a deep dive into these notes:
First there is no clear motive for him killing Sohreh. (Niwa had a purpose.)

attack of Rishboland Tigers. In need of first aid..."

The bold part implies she was still alive while Zandik was dealing with the Ruin Guard. The broken bone didn't happen during the picnic while he was alone with her. She was declared dead and buried after the attack, she could have been killed during it while everyone was distracted.
-Does the Akademiya think that Zandik is responsible?-
There is a message board that says he was investigated over her murder.
The lack of motive combined with Zandik only receiving negative consequences from saving the team makes me think he was framed and acted on impulse / emotion when saving them or he turned it on to spook the tigers and it accidentally killed her.
Why? He could have just ran away and let everyone die to not reveal he was hiding ruin guard knowledge. Which he expressed on the notes that he didn't want the rest to know:

"I am going to take them (Ruin guards) apart, and record the size and shape one by one...
...But first of all, this secret must not be revealed to the other team members..."
...Thank goodness, Zandik reacted quickly. Otherwise, the whole team would be in serious trouble..."

-Some people argue that "running away and letting everyone die would have been too suspicious so he saved them."
It's more likely he was just a weak regular human at that point in his life so it wouldn't have been too suspicious to run away / he actually risked his life to shut it down.-
The 2 burned notes both state: "Someone seems to have burnt the contents in a hurry" it could have been the person trying to frame him. One of them is a note about the Ruin Guards and has Zandik's signature, they may have wanted to steal credit of his research.
-Regarding who framed Dottore, u/Sandflow_23 commented an excellent theory
lt seems Zandik didn't care much about Sohreh's death since he proceeded to ask the team to take back the Ruinguard while she was bleeding but the Eleazar hospital notes come after this incident. Was this his first instance of curing people?
Did being unable to save someone influence him in some way? It may just be coincidental but it's worth taking note. I'm trying to look at all possibilities.
People usually see Sohreh's note as "she learned Dottore's secret so he murdered her" But something I haven't seen discussed is how there is also a chance he trusted her and decided to open up to people more. Previously he said studying Ruinguards could get him kicked out but after the following note by Sohreh, he decided to try to convince his team to take back the ruin guard:

"...Zandik was attracted by the ancient machines left behind by some civilization here...
We had a great time and decided to go on a picnic tonight..."

Finally, to play Devil's Advocate: it seems he also had another secret mission that was never explained.

"...It's a shame that documents regarding its (the giant golem's) energy supply systems have been lost, and I have far too important a mission to accomplish to afford to start from scratch. If not..."

He could have killed her because she learned that secret but it's still weird that he'd go and choke her with people focused on him speaking about Ruinguard studies.
-- Arle SQ --
Lyney said "he proposed the direction of the research " for the bottled flames. That he wants to give people "a chance to start over" was also hinted in Time of Insight artifact. I won't be surprised if it turns out most of the injured kids he took from Crucabena are actually fine. The Eremites, which he didn't want his subordinates to kidnap, were also healthy, so this is another instance of him seeking to work with weak people to give them power. I'm NOT denying there's a chance he wants to use it for some other plan like burning the tree like other Redditors have proposed
Finally, there remains the question of which Dottore would be playable. I predict the original or Omega. (Knocking off the angelic new segment theory)
We don't know if the original is alive, since Raiden destroyed her physical body (and the segments were based on Scaramouche) he could be dead BUT giving a kill switch to Omega may have a deeper meaning. Like those fragments of his mind from dead segments will re-materialize in an empty segment or object his soul is bound to or go back to Omega and change his personality, the former sounds like FullMetal Alchemist but a Remuria quest confirms this is a thing in Genshin.
Finally done, sorry if this is ridiculously long but I wanted to provide quotes to sustain the arguments, especially since some people hate him so much based on mostly misinformation.

My wife and I have been having a major argument about the appropriateness of my actions during the last weekend. I wanted to ask Reddit if I was an AH to my wife because of what I did. I will try to be very brief.
We both are in our mid 40s and have been married for 16 years. Overall, things have been amazing (so far), and I could not ask for a better partner. I have been overweight for most of my life. Around 3 years ago, I started hitting the gym as it was my last chance to gain any muscles before my twilight years. I have lost substantial weight and body fat and am happy with how I look (compared to other dads my age). I am more comfortable to take my t-shirt off if it's a hot summer day. My wife has never had any problems with it.
Last week, my wife had a few of her friends over. They were all in the backyard drinking wine. I took the chance to go to the gym in the evening and stay late to give them some privacy. When I came back home, they were all pretty drunk. When I got back, I decided to go back to the yard to say hi to everyone before taking a shower. They were all in the hot tub enjoying themselves.
I go there and one of them asks me to come in the hot tub. I politely decline and she said, "Take off your clothes and get in". Everyone laughed. Others joined in and also started making some pretty crude comments. Everyone was laughing and I realized they were all drunk and just trying to make me uncomfortable. My wife was also in on the joke, and she was smiling. She was telling them "No, he is mine, that's only for me". I am not the one to back down and was also taunting them. Finally, I took off my shirt and threw it aside and they all laughed. I then excused myself and took shower and sat in my office to play videogames for the rest of the night.
The next morning, my wife was giving me a cold shoulder. She told me that I should act my age. She felt I acted in a pretty lewd "stripper-like" manner and should have just left after her friends started commenting about taking off the clothes. She told me that she also asked me to not do it, and I still did it because I enjoy the attention. She says that she now feels embarrassed with the whole incident, and I just gave her friends green flag to make sexual comments about me all night.
I felt they were just having fun and they have seen me without my shirt on 100s of times. I am also comfortable around them as we know them forever. I personally do not see how I crossed any lines. My wife though felt her friend's actions were not appropriate, and it was more inappropriate that I acted along and took off my shirt. Note that all her friends were in the bathtub in their bathing suits. She feels it's not taking off the shirt, but the context around it that made the act very cheap, and she does not want her friends to view me in that way.
Dear people of reddit, can you please weigh in on this stupid argument we are having right now. Do you think my wife is right in this one? My wife will also be reading the comment section, so please be nice (i.e. please don't tell her to divorce me).

I recently read an article saying that Hinge is going to limit the number of people you can match with to prevent ghosting. If you want to talk to new people, you have to "end" current conversations or something. A representative said that "some people are overwhelmed with messages, while others get very little response." Tinder is also rolling out new features to help ease "burn out."
There are a number of reasons why this is happening and why, in general, online dating is bad. One of the biggest factors that everyone seems too skittish to talk about, however, is that men are struggling hard on these sites. The "people who get very little response" are typically men. There are a number of reasons for this.
For one, there are already more men on these sites than women, so that puts men at a disadvantage right from the start. Bumble's recent shake-up should prove once and for all that in the bulk of interactions, the man still makes the first move. Because of that, many women (even totally average women) are likely swamped with messages. They truly *are* overwhelmed. As man messaging a woman, there is a high likelihood that you'll be completely lost in her inbox. She may never even scroll down enough to even see you. And if she does, well, she just went through 50 profiles, you had better go above and beyond to stand out.
This leads to a hyper competitive market where everyone is going out of their way to one up the other guy. If you enter the fray just being yourself, you're probably going to get left behind. You have to post this pic, you have to say that in you bio, on and on. You need to be exceptional to stand out. To quote the bad guy from The Incredibles: When everyone's super, no one will be super. We're at the point where, on the apps, being normal or averge isn't enough because most everyone is "super" or at least playing "super."
Naturally, the best looking and most successful men do better, but they always have, most men understand this, and you can't blame women for wanting the best. However, that leads to a full 80 percent of women going after 20 percent of men, and most times, these men, knowing their value, just want to sleep around and have fun. This leaves a bad taste in many women's mouths while leaving the bulk of men (and women). Women hold out for Mr. Right (whom, they assume, is just one more swipe away), and men...well, men are giving up. Why bother with these sites?
Apps also encourage matching on superficial, surface level traits. They are essentially a meat market. You scroll through profiles like looking through a butcher shop window.
All told, everyone is losing out because of these apps, but in different ways. I foresee more and more men giving up, which will lead these apps to start charging the hell out of their most "successful" members. And really, these apps don't want you to be successful; you won't need them if you are.
These apps are rigged against us and will do whatever they can to encourage return customers.

I am a producer and we have a great crew that come together multiple times per year, so we are like family and all know and love each other. On our first jobs together, everyone was professional and didn't order alcohol, maybe 1 drink max at dinners if that. After a few years, our crew members are now ordering many drinks at dinner, buying cases of beer on the production then taking it home, leaving for hours the night before a big production day to a casino and drinking a lot, etc. It really bothers me because alcohol affects your performance the next day (we had a crew member mess up but it was not catastrophic luckily) and they are also ordering tons of food that gets thrown away and uneaten or donated to the hotel staff. It is starting to bother me that they are taking advantage of our company and ordering way more than necessary, including alcohol, taking beer bought by the company home, and also having their performance suffer the next day. I am trying to make production fun and something to look forward to, but this has gone too far.
How do you recommend I handle this? Should I implement a policy where we do not pay for any alcohol or max 1 drink per person at dinners only, tell the other producer to not order too much food, I don't want to be lame but I also feel uncomfortable with how far all this has gone at this point.

A lot of people, including myself, were not pleased when we first started seeing leaks and promotional material of The Classic event (why did roblox call it "The Classic"). All of the trailers Roblox posted to twitter SCREAMED "so retro!!!", almost all of the games leaked were made in 2017-present, there were extremely overpriced bundles, and it really just looked like a reskin of The Hunt. But now that we know more about the event, I am actually very pleased. Roblox has clearly addressed several criticisms of the hunt and is making an effort to improve the formula of these events.
The amount of games, the quality control and the theming
The biggest failures of The Hunt is that there were way too many games, little to no quality control, and nothing to tie them together. The classic only has 15 games (compared to The Hunt's 100) each having 5 quests in them. This alone is a significant improvement, but from what we know, Roblox is actively pushing the games to have better quests and making sure that they tie into the theme of the event. Egg hunt 2019, 2020 and metaverse champions all had very loose theming, and most of the quests had nothing to do with the theme/story. In The Hunt there is no theme/story at all to connect the games together, and the games suffered from just not knowing what to do. All the classic quests we've seen parts of lean heavily into the "so retro" theme of the event. There even may be some lore with all of the 1x1x1x1 shenanigans and Roblox themselves saying they want to celebrate their own lore. There's also a fun little tix collectable that will be hidden in various spots throughout all the games, so the event will involve some actual hunting, almost like a less important and more abundant variation of the RB battles swords. Overall this is a night and day improvement over The Hunt, and I'm looking forward to seeing how this plays out
The hub
Another major issue many had with the hunt is the hub. There's is next to nothing to do in The Hunt's hub other than going from game to game, and the hub itself is lifted from another event. Not only is there a fully custom hub in The Classic, but it's massive and there's a lot to do in it. There's likely going to be some tix that can be found there as well
Overall I see no reason to think this event won't at least be the best event of the past 3 years (minus RB battles 3). There's still concerns to be had, mainly the fact that the event is only 5 days long, a lot of the games already being in the hunt and the fact that we don't know for certain how good it will be, but I still stay optimistic about the event. I wish Roblox would branch out more with it's game choices, but there are many chances to do that later.
Thank you for reading my yap session lol

So, were relatively new to the back yard chicken thing. About a year in. I built our hens a coop in the back of our house, we're in a single family home, but in town, each house might have a 1/3 or 1/4 acre lot, so houses are pretty close together.
Ive checked a few times through our borough codes, to see if there's anyting governing chicken ownership, and cant find anything. just some wording about animals not interrupting a peaceful nights rest, and cleaning up after your animals. So as far as I know we're not breaking any ordinances. We've been told no roosters, which seems in line with the peaceful rest thing.
Well my wife hatched some eggs in one of those little home incubators. Which was super fun, but one of them turned out to be a rooster, and with chickens being tricky to identify gender until theyre older, well, we ended up with a crowing rooster on our hands. We stuck him in a ltitle coop in our garage to cut down on the sound, as we worked on finding him a new home. Regardles of our attempts, one of our neighbors noticed the noise, and went from 0 to Karen in a single interaction. No warning, no "hey we need to talk about the chickens" just argument in the street outside our house, implied threats of calling the police.
So I had to kill the rooster. Which I did, didnt like doing it, but its done. But this seems to have put us on his radar. This past weekend we'd pulled the enclosure off of the outside of the coop, that we'd put up to keep the worst of the cold down for our ladies over teh winter, and then cleaned the coop, which stirred up some smell. He decided to confront me about "The stench" again, going straight to argumentative rather than civil discussion.
We're worried that hes going to make enough of a nuisance with officials that he's going to get them to make us get rid of the chickens.
I am curious if any of you in this sub have had similar experiences, and if youve got any suggestions on how to best deal with this?
We're already doing our best to keep the coop clean, so it doesnt smell, cleaning it about once a week. Last night we dug it out a bit (it had a dirt floor) and put down a layer of sand, then drainage rock hoping that this makes it easier to clean out in the future. we then throw straw on top of that so the chickies dont have to walk on the rocks, also gives us something to rake out when its time to clean. The enclosed parts of the coop i built with trays so theyre super easy to pull out and clean. in our opinion, theres no signifigant smell from coop.