The necropolis was gorgeous, for what it was. Its white outer walls hiding the darker Victorian Gothic interior. The tech that was hidden in the walls though was able to move bodies in their caskets from a designated place in the necropolis to the "viewing area" as the necropolians called it. This was where I waited for my, for lack of a better term, escort to take me to the mortuary. Since science has grown surprisingly fast our abilities for forensic sciences have also grown, and that's to whom I was headed. (S)He was an, unusual (wo)man to say the least. An expert in their field and about as learned as a doctor, if not multi-doctorate. If you ever asked them why they never pursued an actual doctorate, they would get angry and act all prissy while saying that going to school would've slowed them down and all they needed were the basic certificates for their work. The reality though, revealed to me during a drunken bout, they just never liked school and believed that it ultimately stunted a person's growth and ability to question the reality around them, that everything that you need to learn is already in books and in some form or another in digital content online. They were brilliant, if a little wacky. About five minutes after I had arrived and was sitting down in the viewing area, a little box rolled up to me making a couple of beeps to let me know to follow it and immediately started rolling towards the wall opposite of where it came from. When it looked like it was about to hit the wall, a hidden door opened up by the casket viewer, inside was a set of stairs leading down into the darkness. Stepping through the doorway I became acutely aware of sounds seemingly coming from all around me suddenly. It really is impressive, as though I just stepped from a tomb to a busy workshop, the sounds of gas escaping pistons, whirring, and clanking chains flooded my ears. I continued down the stairs following my helpful little box, which despite its size and shape would suggest was actually quite nimble on the stairs. It seemed to have wheels that would extend down to the next step as the edge rolled over it and once the back of the box was clear of the step it would drop back into its squat position, hiding its wheels as quickly as possible. It continued to do so the entire way. The box seemed to notice me watching it and made a kinda shrill whistle and its undercarriage light went from a comfortable yellow to a, is that... Peach? Is it blushing? My god I think it is! I let out a small chuckle and my little blushing box stopped dead in its tracks mid-step, its light suddenly going white, almost blinding me from behind and lighting up the hallway for a split second. Luckily both of my feet were solidly on a step so I didn't take a tumble or anything, but I couldn't help doing anything but laughing harder. 

After a second the little box crept up behind me and continued down, its status light continuing to show pinkish. I followed it slowly, the chuckle slowly dying in my throat as we reached Ceriths office. Well "office" was being nice. Morgue, mortuary, both of these fit just as well. Cerith was, for the most part, a recluse. We reached the door and the little robot continued through a little hole in the wall. I waited a second and knocked. "Enter!" Came the voice on the other side. I opened the door and stepped through. Along one wall set doors that normally housed the dead waiting to be processed. One out of dozens were open, its occupant missing from its silver slab. The middle of the room was brightly lit from a single overhead light. In the middle of the circle of light stood a figure, long Raven colored hair bound in a single braided ponytail, the rest of them bound in medical examination garb. They seemed to be engrossed in the corpse in front of them. The little robot rolled up next to Ceriths feet and made a little chiming noise. "Thank you Tabitha. That'll be all," said a voice that was neither male nor female from beneath the mask. Just sort of in the middle. "Tabitha? Never knew you to be sentimental," I said gently, the chuckle in my voice making itself clear. "I see you still find even the darkest things funny," Cerith quipped back. "My line of work Cer, you take the laughs where you get them. Look who's talking anyway, you're usually elbows deep inside someone 25/8. Even you have a seriously fucked up sense of humor." That got Cerith laughing, sounding like thunder and the whip crack of lightning at the same time. "You've got me there Julius," Cerith said after his laughter subsided. I think he suits him today. Which is both a good and bad sign. When Cerith is acting like a man, it usually means some grim news, but they are going to try to make it seem like not a big deal and laugh a lot. Plus they almost never call me Julius. Something was wrong. Very seriously wrong. As this realization hit me I got this odd tingle in the small of my back. Like someone had put several freezing needles under the skin and into my spine, something I'm familiar with from the anima-games from the cyber sphere. Halos: Divine Retribution If I remember right. Those Angels were sadistic bastards. I shuddered at both the memories from the game and the shockingly similar feeling I was experiencing. Dread, that feeling is dread my friend, the quiet part of my mind whispered to me. "Cer, what's wrong bud," I asked. He didn't say anything. For a long time. After a few minutes I was about to ask again, but then he spoke. And what came out will haunt me, quite possibly till the day I die. "This ones temporal lobes are gray matter. Nothing even close to being coherent. Just. Dead neurons. And he's not the first." Gone was the jovialness of the past ten minutes. This was Cerith the whisperer. In an almost dead tone they continued, "the others didn't fare nearly as well as this one. Most of the brain is intact here, which means that if they didn't deliver a massive shock or something similar to fully kill him he would have possibly lived as a vegetable with memory issues, but that's not what I'm looking for in this one here now. Now I'm trying to figure out what else the others had in common with him, and so far that's brought up all but naught. Well this one has a bit of liver damage. But that's about it. So Mr John was a drinker. Not much there." When Cerith is "whispering" the best thing to do is just let him be. But I couldn't help but prick my ears up at mentions of others with similar wounds, and the fact that this one had liver issues.... "Cer. You said... CERITH," I finally snapped out and caught his attention mid ramble. "Thank you. You said liver problems. But nothing similar to the others? No drugs? Alcohol? Not even a synth brain-pattern? You checked Everything?" "Well let's see, John here was a drinker that's for sure," Cerith said his hands never ceasing their work as he started to put 'John' back together seemingly satisfied that he found nothing else, " Mr Lombardo in chest 3 had cocaine mostly, and Mr Lei in chest 9 had opium. Although to tell you where it came from for both I'd have to do a molecular analysis and see what it compares to. Other than that, no. Absolutely nothing connecting any of them. As far as I can tell they are all unique cases completely separate from each other except for the damages to the brain. And I only found this by accident. During a routine scan I happened to look at the screen as it passed through the brain and noticed an odd density in his temporal lobes. Just slightly higher than normal. Hell to be honest with you it had the density of a fresh cutie, you know those little oranges?" I nodded, and he continued, "Right of course you do, who hasn't? Anyways it's just super dense compared to the surrounding tissues, and I take a sliver probe and drop it in like you do. And when I turn the damn thing on to look at the neurons the area all I see are dead cells packed on top of one another. Not natural decay death, but forced to die. Most of the cell walls were torn open like they had blown up from the INSIDE. That's when I called you." He finished up with 'John' putting the final few perfect stitches in place and sealing him up for good. Once he seemed happy with his work he called out to his seemingly empty morgue, "Grom I'm done! Can you put Mr John Doe here back in his room? Number 11 if you please." He turned away from the body on the table and removed the giant rubber gloves that went to his elbows. He walked into the dark calling out over his shoulder, "I'll be back in a sec I gotta scrub out, want a drink? I have beer, whiskey, vodka, I might have some Cognac somewhere, and bourbon. Your choice, just call out what you want and Tabitha will be there with it. Also have a seat! We have much to discuss." With that he disappeared from both sight and sound in the dark. It was a neat trick I have to admit, and it had something to do with how he had his morgue set up. Even the giant war machine that was Grom was absolutely quiet unless you managed to catch him through the gloom. I thought for the longest time the reason why I could never catch him sneaking around was from some sort of stealth program put into place, but when he goes up and down those stairs he's as loud as can be. So it was definitely not his program but the way the morgue was built. I'm confident in saying that because when I turned back to look at the table, or rather where it was, there was now a chair that looked like it had just grown out of the floor and the body was gone. Also the thought of something as big as a fridge just sneaking up on some poor combatants and snapping their necks as quietly as he walks in the morgue just gives me the heebies. As I sat in the chair a thought occurred to me. Considering how advanced the morgue seemed to be it would make sense that it had some sort of AI or integrated computer. "Computer?" I had been here a million times but I'd never had a chance to think about it nor try anything. But not even a second after I had said anything a response came. "Yes Detective Julius. My name is DANNA. Or Dynamically Actualized Neural Net AI. How can I be of service?" The voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere, slightly feminine and breathy, all service but no sex. Honestly I was just surprised that it worked. "DANNA, I was just wondering if I could take a look at the files that Cerith had mentioned? If it is as bad as they claim I think I might need to know anyway. Also if you can get those blood works done for me I'd appreciate it. Also something with whiskey or rum would be amazing." "Of course Detective. I will have Tabitha bring it shortly. And how would you like the information to be displayed? Desktop or dynamic?" That piqued my interest. "Dynamic please." No sooner than I had said a series of screens blinked into existence in front of me. It was some sort of Holographic display. I reached out and touched the display and was surprised that I got stopped by something. It was hard but surprisingly I found that I could push into the screen with my finger if I pushed hard enough. It kinda felt like... Oobleck. I also found that by pinching the corner I could pull the screens closer or further from me. I even found that I could grab individual pages of the reports off the screen and hold it. It felt like a thin sheet of plastic and responded like both a tablet and a singular document. If I switched pages the old one would appear back onto the screen and the next would pop onto it. This was about as slick a set up as I had ever seen and whistled my appreciation under my breath, I'm definitely going to have to ask Cerith about where they got DANNA from. "See something you like, big boy?" A very DEFINITELY female voice said in my ear from behind, soft and throaty, screaming come hither. I felt small dainty hands gently caress the tops of my shoulders before slipping down the front of my chest, pulling me back into the chair that I didn't realize I had been slouching in. "You know better than that, Jules. Your back is important and slouching will destroy the muscles and cause some to atrophy." The voice left no room for argument, and left me more than a little bit flushed. I closed my eyes and dropped my head back as far as it would go, the back of my head hitting something soft and warm, stretching my neck and back out. "Damnit Cer I thought you were scrubbing out, not completely changing." I hadn't realized it, but at least an hour had passed from when I started playing with the computer and working with the files if the clock on the computer was to be believed. "You looked like you were pretty into it so I decided not to disturb you. Plus you know how much fun it is for me to tease you like this. Especially after, well these..." One hand waved at the screens in front of me. The small hands' nails were painted the darkest black and almost made them blend into the void that existed outside of the screens. "I do Cer, and that's part of the problem, we both know that it's never going to happen. Least of all for you." She laughed a little, a clear beautiful sound and the body beneath my head bounced slightly telling me I was against her stomach. "Still I know you enjoy these little moments," she said, the pressure on the back of my head disappearing and was replaced by the voice right by my ear again as she whispered, "especially when we both know that's not at all true." At the last words she nibbled my ear gently. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at her, in spite of my baser instinct rising to meet her VERY juicy insinuations. But for as long as I've known Cerith and as many times as we have both been VERY drunk, they have NEVER cashed in. I just assumed that it was a quirk of theirs. "Anyways," she said standing back up, "what are you thinking so far about the files? Spooky, right? Like I said, nothing that I can see connects them." Her hands gestured in front of me in an approximation of a shrug. She then clasped them together, wringing the knuckles and effectively trapping me in the chair and back against her abdomen. I scrubbed my eyes with my fingertips acutely aware of the growing headache that suddenly made itself known. "Your right from the medical side. I can't see everything you can, of course. I don't have near the knowledge that you have," which is true being that Cerith is at least 200 years old. I never asked directly, the old adage still holding about women and their age. Still though her answers to certain questions would lead one to believe her being her first adult car was a Bing Cherry 2201 Firebird GT with white walled hover trim and chrome accents. From pictures that I could find it looked like a slick piece. Looking back to the screens I couldn't help but feel that itch again. I couldn't explain it. That prickly feeling of ice needles again, this time in the back of my skull. As much as I'd hate to admit it. I think Cerith is right. I sighed heavily before saying "send me everything. I'll open a new case file and have the team start working on it first thing." She made a happy noise and bounced slightly, clearly satisfied with my decision to take it on. I reached out and to my left and a glass was placed gently into my hand by Tabitha. I hadn't even realized she had come over while I was working and was now ready for that drink. Room temperature rum and cola. The drink went down smoothly enough considering I drained the glass in one gulp, during which time I finally got a good eyeful of Ceriths current form. Or rather the underside of part of it. From what I could tell she was wearing a black T-shirt. That was it. I put the glass back down, it's job done without moving my head and said, "What a lovely view Cerith. I'm guessing you chose this to try to get a rise out of me?" I couldn't lie though it was affecting me, but I couldn't let her know that. Not when she's like this. Otherwise she'll continue to tease me till she leaves me with the absolute worst case of blue balls this side of the City. Her hands came up and cupped my chin almost lovingly, and her voice said "Of course Detective. Do you not approve? Or would you rather I change back to my medical examination form? Or something else?" Her words dripped with implied sex. I groaned, loudly, and said, "This is fine. Jesus Cer." Before we could continue our most scintillating of conversations there was a sudden PING! And DANNA said, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but there's a message for you Cerith. It says 'If you can get to the department Cerith, do so. We need you to explain your paperwork. And if Detective Julius is still with you have him come in too.' signed the Chief. Would you like to reply?" 'Shit, I forgot the morgue kills all signals,' I thought to myself as I stood up gently (regretfully) prying myself from Ceriths grasp with a, "duty calls. Need a lift?" I stretched gently, the scales in between my shoulders clicking appreciatively for the stretch, and turned around to notice she was indeed, just wearing a black T-shirt that hugged her voluptuous figure closely. The scales in my back clicked shut in surprise. Cerith let out a small cute chuckle, "I see after all this time I can still surprise you," she said blowing a kiss my way, reminding me of a little Gothic pixy. I rolled my eyes away from her and willed my scales to relax. I grabbed my jacket off the back of the chair, slinging it on and clicking the neck clasp shut under the cord that connected my scales to the unit in my head. I was awarded the cybernetics upon completing my training and getting all my licenses to have them. The force had allowed me to customize it, I had chosen top of the line. A dual unit with custom built AI. The individual scales were ceracoated titanium microprocessors all running in both series and parallel, and could move to expel heat or react. The main unit was the same except it was one solid unit that replaced a chunk of skull. Once that was done I zipped up the front of the leathers and ran the scales through the racer setting. They clicked and flattened against the outside of the jacket, securing it to my back. I shrugged making sure it was comfortable. "I'll take the fact that you're only in a t-shirt you'll be along shortly?" "Certainly detective." Her voice was filled with dismissive submission... And sadness? I looked back at her and noticed her makeup was gone. Or had she had any on in the first place? I gave myself a mental shake. There's no way. This was Cerith, veritable goddess of the necropolis. I put the last few minutes away for review later. Chief called. I have to go. On an instinct I thought long dead, I reached out and squeezed her hand. I felt a slight squeeze back. And then she let go with a, "Go on, be a good detective. I'll be along shortly." I left with Tabitha as my guide. Before Cerith disappeared into the darkness I thought I heard her whisper, "please don't leave." My scales raised in a saddened response. I couldn't be sure I heard her right though. If I heard her at all. I reached back and stroked them, knowing my ai probably heard her, and knowing it could feel me touch the scales. After a few seconds the scales settled down. 'I know buddy,' I thought to the AI. It couldn't respond like usual AI. The force thought that was too dangerous. What if it went rogue? What if it tried to kill the host and take over? The list went on and eventually they decided the basics were ok. When I got my unit one of the first things I did was jack it into a diagnostic to see what kind of hardware I was dealing with exactly because manufacturer specs from real use are sometimes different with AI if the bits and bobs are in place. When I did, all I got on the screen was 'Hello?'

For example, the entire Marvel Comic Universe (MCU) has something like 30 movies that are all somehow supposed to be connected, or something. How many sub-par forced sequels, "reboots", whatever, can these studios put out before they dilute the products so much that they just suck (kinda like a lot of post-Disney Star Wars).
I am well aware that these movies must be making money, if studios keep making them, but dang.
I can't sit through a single Iron Man movie, or a Hulk movie, or whatever. It's all so overdone, the plots are all just cheesy as hell, sometimes just outright dumb. The forced humor is always some cringey pixar-like quips or non-sequiturs, so not actually humor, lol.
I'll never openly (irl) hate on someone being a nerd and liking something, I'm a big nerd, but it's pretty cringe when the fandom is drooling over some silly details, like "omg!!! Black Panther was able to scratch Captain America's shield!!! CUZ THEY ARE BOTH VIBRANIUMMM OMGG" It's like: yes, these are man-made stories, they are written like this on purpose, it's not that deep or complex at all.
Would literally rather watch Harry Potter than the current state of super hero movies.

she initiated the separation, we had to move mountains to get together...
I'm from the US, she is originally from Africa, but immigrated to CAD for college. We were only 4 hours apart, but a border in between.
We met when i visited her city, she was very outgoing, fun, we spent the entire weekend together, her brother visited and i met him, too.
She wanted to have sex, i held back, as i didn't want to get attached. i did stay over, we had breakfast the next day...she told me a huge story of how she grew up with an abusive step mom, emotionally and partially physically absent dad, and her mother left africa for the US when she was 8 (her dad divorced her)..so absent mom as well...
Coming from a 'caretaking' type family (lots of nurses, teachers, social justice lawyers, etc), I immediate was pulled in and wanted to be there...plus she's beautiful, intelligent, social...
once she realized i wasn't the perfect husband, and that we had to compromise on time, etc. with big life decisions... she started to resent me, criticizing, blaming, eggshells, i was constantly putting effort, resources, small gestures into the relationship just to be forgotten, i couldn't express myself without it coming back to hurt me, i was always wrong,...i started to get eczema on my hands, arms, as stress reaction
i had my issues too, i was reluctant to move to canada, she wanted a kid right when i arrived, i wanted to settle into the new country // job first...which is when the resentment kicked in...
at one point, she was done with me, eventually she wanted me to move out, and when i did...i never heard from her for months, i heard she made friends with the guy neighbor in our condo....6 of her closest friends are divorced, others are single....
her mother, aunts, uncles, tried to help her get back on track, saying to be patient with marriage, she ragefully replied, nobody could stop her...she'd could never forgive, yet never took any blame for herself, how she made me feel...
she will contact me for logistics, we have mutual friends, whom i am positive report my life updates back to her.. its as if i didn't exist...she'll be kind, then get what she wants and then go no contact..today she asked for some immigration info, i gave it to her...congratulated her on getting the good news.....and she left me on read....
she says she doesn't want to be married, that she wishes 2 years ago I was the just man i am now, that our marriage was too much work,
I moved from the US to CAD to be with her, i left family, friends, started a new job, helped her family with finances, welcomed her into my family with open arms, I never felt loved..I never felt truly loved....
said she doesn't want to stay in touch or make any plans to see each other...
how did it turn so nasty?
is this normal in breakups?
why did i stay in it, and is there a way to heal? the way she has treated me...she is still such a mystery....

At have triggers in this short story...My parents will be addressed as my abusers one of my two brothers will be called affect sex offender the other brother will be called a molester who molested me my sister is going to be called I take everything way too serious she's a b**** so she's bitch growing up we were in a very abusive home where we each got our own way of abuse from our deezers I have an older brother and another sister from my mother first married I am my first born to my father and the firstborn grandchild on my father's side I have another brother he followed me 18 months later and I was pretty mean to him I saw man digging it up dumpster and My dumb brother asked what he was doing I said he's probably looking for you because that's where we found you and my abusers would abuse me all the time I literally memorized my Pepe's phone number so I would pack my Barbie suitcase and I would sit on the curb by a sewer line where I wasn't supposed to sit but I would stay at my grandparents' house for days months I did private school through them I went to regular school through town I would be the one to call 911 on my grandfather when he went into the hospital that day plays everyday in my head and he makes me cookie and all he would say is Cookie get the elephant off my chest get the elephant off my chest I knew it wasn't going to be good and I was right he was roughly in the hospital a couple of weeks and he passed he passed in the middle of the night this is when I realized I was in bath at the age of 12 he came to me he said he loves me and he said that he will always be by my side and protect me and yes they just were the other person I miss in my family is the closest I had with my uncles and cousins due t my abusers they turn the family on me cuz apparently whatever my abuser says went down exactly how they say it but they never told them what they did to me there's one thing that goes in my head and it pis me off my abusers is things in front of my siblings and I I remember one of my siblings getting beat up I remember a sibling nail it kneeling in the kitchen on rice I remember another sibling getting away with absolutely everything the sex offender the molester was forced out of the home because I had a big mouth and I was telling everybody the state I came from was Massachusetts and they failed to me I moved to Florida with my other abuser to meet my other abuser you had one of my siblings with her all I have to say is a sex offender is held at a higher standard in my family then someone who committed robberies with no weapon I'm not saying I'm right and I'm not saying I'm wrong I'm saying I did my time no I didn't go find God in jail for prison that's not why I went to do my time my time was to do 27 months it wasn't to find God I was supposed to rehab and I didn't do that because they are idiot Florida correctional institution is insane and I am happy to say that me and a nurse closed Broward county institution for women due to the neglect the living conditions the rats the cockroaches the bed bugs the spider bites I have so many scars from them that it's insane as an intention in my leg where the brown recluse spider bite ate the muscle in my leg and when they would take the dressing off they would have to put a white cheek close by because the pus and the nasty muscle that turned into pus and turned into deteriorating muscles I thank her everyday and I wish wish I knew where she was so I could give her a great big hug and tell her thank you for sticking by me they transferred her because I made a mistake and gave her a hug out on compound and they transferred her to a different person but other inmates for telling me she was giving them messages to tell me she wasn't giving up on me and that she was still looking into it I owe her everything the little bit of time that I had with this nurse showed me love remorse didn't judge me and admired me for owning everything I did ruining my children to get life ruining my own life making my husband and my life difficult my stepson is never happy with me anymore there's nothing I can do and I'm not going to fight it no more I don't care I'm not going to let it bother me the past is the past I learned my lesson I got out in 2005 have not been in trouble with the loss jail and prison for hell and I'm never going back there's nothing that anybody could do to make me want to go back ever again and I'm withholding 2005 to present day 2024 clean off drugs sober off of I've been off drugs I haven't relapsed I'm a very proud of myself and I hope that I inspire somebody to tell their story of abuse and a correctional institution and I will look into it and I'll see what I can do to make the situation better Florida is not known for their wonderful persons in jails their roads infested their nasty they make the inmates live in unconditional situations I want to put my dog in the guards overstep their boundaries every which way we could insulted you made you feel like you were nobody you already took my freedom you're going to take myself to steam too then lock up the whole fat was just a trip and a half every time they could they would put me in the hole why I wasn't doing anything you know why because I found out that people were going around after they found out with my charges were I wonder who he told people that the person guards only knew what I did the inmates wanted to do them and every time something came up missing in a pot I was in it was my fault and didn't even matter it couldn't even be my and I would get in trouble because they said I stole and I never in a million years stole anything from anybody I had my own money coming in and I was buying my own things and my story will continue because it's not over yet......

A Simple Yet Thought-Provoking Doorway

Interviewer: Howl's Moving Castle was a huge success as well, with box office revenue reaching 19.6 billion yen. This places it second only to Spirited Away among Studio Ghibli films. The original story is by Diana Wynne Jones, and the screenplay was written by Mr. Miyazaki.
Mamoru Oshii: Howl's Moving Castle is excellent, my favorite among Ghibli's works. The story isn't entirely clear, the logic doesn't always hold up – these aspects haven't changed much from Miyazaki's past films. But, at this point, there's nothing more to say about those points. So, what do I appreciate about this film? In a word, it's the mechanism of that doorway. Miyazaki's changing mindset as he gets older is clearly expressed through that door's workings.
Interviewer: The door of Howl's castle leads to different worlds, and its mechanism is divided into four parts.
Mamoru Oshii: That truly impressed me. Every time the mechanism shifts, the door opens to a different world. The black passage leads to the battlefield, flames are raging, Howl transforms into a monstrous bird and flies off, then returns completely exhausted. Seeing Howl like that, Calcifer says, "He might not come back." What kind of meaning do you think that holds?
Interviewer: Does it represent Mr. Miyazaki's heart being divided into four parts?
Mamoru Oshii: It's not about the number. Women might not understand easily, but men get it right away. Especially older men, they understand at a glance. Because they are also constantly turning that doorway unconsciously. In other words, whether consciously or unconsciously, they always play multiple roles. An older man working at a company switches modes when he comes home; when playing with a young woman somewhere else, he switches again; when interacting with his son and daughter, he switches yet another time. Simply put, humans are creatures that live separately in different worlds. There may also be a dark side that leads one to become a monster. People definitely possess a side that turns into a monster and runs rampant on the battlefield, and are destined to coexist with this darkness.
I've never seen a film that depicts the multiplicity of an older man's inner world in such a persuasive way. I love it. The doorway mechanism turns, and the world changes instantly. It's fantastic.
Interviewer: That's high praise indeed.
Mamoru Oshii: It is. But it's dangerous, you know? Sometimes you slip up and reveal a side you shouldn't in front of your wife and children. Wives are probably aware of this to a certain extent, but they don't bring it up. If you ask me, that's what living with a man is all about. You might not notice it when you're dating, but after getting married and having children, women realize that older men use different faces in different situations.
Being able to create this kind of expression means that Miyazaki himself must have struggled with switching between different faces. By now, he's probably become quite adept at it. I'm the same way. After all, film directors have to be geniuses at switching gears – the face shown to staff, the face shown to producers, the face when alone, the face shown to family – you really have to separate them all.
Interviewer: That sounds truly exhausting.
Mamoru Oshii: It is, it is. A person like Miyazaki must have a remarkable monster dwelling within him, right? For Howl, that represents the moment when he throws aside all humanity and becomes a monster. Although it's incredibly difficult, even requiring him to fight till he's covered in blood, he can't escape it. Why? Because he couldn't survive without that side of himself.
He must have referenced other archetypes as well, but no one else could have expressed it so brilliantly. Miyazaki truly is one of a kind. That doorway in the film is so good that it overshadows everything that comes after. The war ending abruptly, for instance.
Interviewer: In the first place, it's unclear why the war even started. To be honest, there are too many things that don't make sense. Sophie's original goal was to break the Witch's curse, but somewhere along the way, this goal disappears, and she ends up living with the Witch.
Mamoru Oshii: That's why it's pointless to try to apply logic. This is Miyazaki's world of imagination, where the laws of cause and effect don't apply. This world itself is Miyazaki's fantasy.
Interviewer: But there is a source material.
Mamoru Oshii: Half of it has probably vanished without a trace, wouldn't you say? All that's left is the basic setting. The castle's design is amazing, it even has a torpedo launcher, doesn't it? It makes you wonder what that torpedo launcher is for and what it's supposed to fire at. It feels like Miyazaki just crammed in everything he likes.

Miyazaki and My "View of Family"

Interviewer: I love the design, though.
Mamoru Oshii: It can accommodate anything, and this time he put "family" in it.
Producer Toshio Suzuki said something interesting. He was also the producer for my film, Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence. He said: "It's fascinating how both Miyazaki and you are making the same kind of film. In short, the theme is "home". Both are stories about family. Miyazaki's film expresses the idea that whether it's an old witch or an orphan, it's fine to welcome anyone into the family, because we're all family. And in your film, whether it's a dog or a doll, it doesn't matter if they're not human. It's a very interesting approach to considering a new kind of family."
Interviewer: Mr. Suzuki is insightful.
Mamoru Oshii: He's the kind of person who observes from such unique angles. That's his strength, thinking from perspectives no one else would consider.
Of course, I wasn't conscious of it either. I had no intention of making a story about family. The "unconscious genius" Miyazaki must have been the same. But when Suzuki pointed it out, I felt "that's exactly right". When people establish a sense of shared existence, the most basic form of it is family. Of course, there are male-female relationships within it, but when viewed from the perspective of social relationships, there's nothing other than family. Even blood ties aren't necessarily essential within it. Originally, the starting point of family is strangers, no blood relation needed. A married couple is essentially a pair of complete strangers with no initial blood ties. They start from a marital relationship and then begin to build kinship ties. It's not like in Shuji Terayama's Throw Away Your Books, Rally in the Streets where people separate first and then spend time exploring family forms in various ways. That's probably how it is.
Thinking about it this way, even the house they live in in Howl's Moving Castle walks on two legs, doesn't it? What does that mean? It means that it's no longer even connected to the concept of "settling down", which represents the idea of family. The characteristics of a house being rooted in the land are irrelevant. On the other hand, in Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence, it doesn't matter whether you're human or not, but you need to be with others to live as a human being.
Looking at both films from the perspective of family makes many things easier to understand, that's for sure. If you don't think about it this way, the content of Howl's Moving Castle will become more and more perplexing as you watch it.

Hayao Miyazaki is David Lynch?

Interviewer: Speaking of family, Sophie's family is nowhere to be found. It's as if she's just a beloved and beautiful younger sister that everyone adores.
Mamoru Oshii: After watching Howl's Moving Castle, no one can recall the details of the story clearly. I watched it twice, which is rare for me, but I still can't remember the story. The protagonist Howl appears suddenly, and Sophie is introduced already sewing hats, but why is it a hat shop?
Interviewer: It's a hat shop in the original story.
Mamoru Oshii: But it must be because Miyazaki wanted to draw scenes of hat making, right? Miyazaki loves artisans, loves depicting scenes of crafting things. Up until now, he's always had this tendency - even if it sacrifices consistency to some extent, he'll find a way to realize the scenes and fantasies he envisions. But with Howl's Moving Castle, he completely let go and took a straight path to fantasy. Howl's Moving Castle is exactly that kind of film. Whether or not there's source material is irrelevant. The story of Master Howl is a prime example.
Interviewer: Voiced by Akihiro Miwa, the character of the Witch of the Waste, right?
Mamoru Oshii: Scenes like the shooting stars are undeniably beautiful, but do they have anything to do with the story? Miyazaki's impression of magic must be these beautiful visuals, so he simply wanted to create them.
Interviewer: It's not just that, the character of the Master is completely incomprehensible.
Mamoru Oshii: I've said this so many times, you can't seek consistency in Miyazaki's films because they're all fantasies. It's best to view them through the lens of David Lynch's Twin Peaks.
Interviewer: Lynch's films don't prioritize consistency either. Nobody expects a logically sound story from his work.
Mamoru Oshii: Then why have such expectations for Miyazaki's films? They're both transforming their own fantasies into films, whether it's Lynch or Miyazaki.
Interviewer: "Hayao Miyazaki is David Lynch", that's quite a bold statement.
Mamoru Oshii: There's one crucial difference between Lynch and Miyazaki: Lynch sees humans as frightening creatures. Lynch's theme is singular – the terror of humanity. As a Lynch fan, I've finally reached this conclusion recently. Humans are terrifying beings; they create terrifying events. This is the theme of Lynch's works. The very existence of humans is eerie, so his works are unconcerned with good and evil, angels and demons. That's why Lynch's films are unique.
So, what about Miyazaki? Miyazaki genuinely wants to view humans as benevolent creatures and the world as something beautiful. This fundamentally differs from Lynch, who is obsessed with a world of horror. However, they share the commonality of realizing their fantasies through film. Another difference is that Lynch consciously depicts horror, while Miyazaki does so unconsciously.
Interviewer: In the latter half of the film, Sophie suddenly shifts between being young, middle-aged, and elderly. Is there any meaning behind this?
Mamoru Oshii: No, it's just to make her appearance fit the scene. They simply decided, "It's better for her to be young here", and that's about it. There's probably no deeper reason. So even if you try to overanalyze it, you won't find anything.
Interviewer: It's fine if you don't fully understand Lynch's films, but you still want to try and understand Miyazaki's.
Mamoru Oshii: Because at first glance, they appear to be orthodox narrative films.
No matter how many bursts of fantasy there are, he still wants to reach a conclusion and summarize the meaning in the end, right? In that sense, he's still clearly more timid than Lynch.
Interviewer: But you said that Howl's Moving Castle is your favorite work, didn't you?
Mamoru Oshii: Yes. Even though it doesn't fully let go in the end, it's quite transparent before reaching the conclusion. It doesn't force itself into a narrative structure, so in that sense, I really appreciate it. The doorway mechanism and the scene where the Witch of the Waste makes shooting stars fall from the sky are both incredibly beautiful and impressive. Although the depiction of the royal palace feels somewhat generic, the scene where they're panting and climbing the palace stairs is quite interesting. There are truly many excellent scenes.

Howl is Miyazaki Himself

Interviewer: In that stair-climbing scene, there's a dog named Heen. Don't you think he resembles you a bit?
Mamoru Oshii: That dog... (laughs) The staff kept telling me about him when the film was released, and I could definitely sense some malice directed at me. Because Heen is a useless dog, isn't he? His personality seems quite bad as well.
Interviewer: So he's like you. When I saw it, I couldn't help but think, "It's Oshii!"
Mamoru Oshii: Because I've also poked fun at them many times in my own works. I named the old man who runs Shanghai Tei in Patlabor "Hayao Saki". Mr. Takahata appears as "Inspector Takahata", although he's a villain (laughs). Needless to say, Toshio Suzuki has made multiple appearances as well.
But if that dog is me, then Howl must be Miyazaki. He projected himself onto the protagonist in Porco Rosso, didn't he?
Interviewer: Wait a minute, that handsome Howl? Really?
Mamoru Oshii: Absolutely. The works where Miyazaki projected himself onto the protagonist are Porco Rosso, Howl's Moving Castle, and The Wind Rises. What aspects of Howl resemble Miyazaki? This statement will surely shock many fans.
Mamoru Oshii: He wants to be that kind of man. A wizard, the head of a household - there's no doubt that Howl is his projection.
Interviewer: But Howl said, "I can't live without being beautiful."
Mamoru Oshii: That's right, he transformed from a pig and uttered those words. Voiced by Takuya Kimura, no less. In reality, Miyazaki loves to be cool, but he understands that it doesn't suit him, so he intentionally makes himself appear plain. I forget when it was, but he even imitated Ryotaro Shiba's style by wearing a black coat. Miyazaki respects Ryotaro Shiba a lot, although I dislike him.
What strikes me as the biggest similarity between Howl and Miyazaki is the scene where Howl returns to the castle as a monster and sluggishly climbs to the second floor.
That scene embodies Miyazaki's true feelings - even if he's making a big fuss outside, he still has to crawl back to his room. When Sophie scolds him saying, "You did it again! It can't be helped", didn't you feel like he must have been scolded by his wife this way too? He finally returns, but as a monster. From this perspective, he's really quite transparent (laughs).
As long as you understand Miyazaki, you can pick up on these amusing nuances. But even if you don't know him personally, the film is full of interesting scenes and beautiful visuals. However, there's really nothing to say about the plot. So, they should just tell the world that, but instead, people love to praise "how great the stories are" in Miyazaki's films.

I'm solo, city course, got paired with 2x 25 year old athletic friends and a older gentleman. Introductions fine. The older man was the problem person. We are walking he's golf carting.
At tee of he starts stating a rule that does not exist. Our city rules are very basic even dress code is extremely lax. Yes a twisted sister no sleeves t-shirt is allowed. Anyways the 3 of us are like we never heard of the rule. We oblige out of politeness. As we progress the hole I recover a Burnr head cover. I pick it up as if it was his? He says I seen that and I left it, so I just say ok return it to the pro-shop and give it to him since he's on his own cart he says "I guess". I'm like that's a little dick'ish but ok.
Second hole he starts talking to the 25 years old's how good he is. The 25 years out drive him 50+ yards.
3rd hole he hits a bad drive. Takes a mulligan with a 2 min warm up. I hit a bad drive and suck it up. At the end of the 3rd hole he tells us he's ambidextrous and can hit both right and left all day long, as we had a lefty. Everyone is like cool story bro.
4th hole he drives, hits in the water maybe 80y. Laughs and said takes a mulligan, second is 100y in the water. Then third ball "drop" he puts on the fairway, lol. I didn't drive great like 150y. But then I piped the next shot out of the rough 170y and back in the game. The 2 young guys over hit their 2nd balls into the next fairway.
He drives up to me in his cart pulling a Tokyo drift and tells me "hey BUDDY pick up the pace" as there is a group behind us. Now this infuriates me. TSN turning point, I realized I'm not having fun and I am not his mans buddy. I read threads like this about being too kind to people and sucking it up. But I'm like no, I want this round to be fun, I paid for fun.
I look back and I see the 3-some that has been on our tails for two holes. Two older gentleman and mid age female. But one of the men was wearing a lumberjack coat, I'm like his is the group for me. I wait for my current group all to tee off as I was thinking of ditching. The old guy starts telling the one young guy all the things he did wrong on his drive despite he out drove the old man 40y and is closer to the pin. I'm like fuck this. I tell "buddy" strait up I don't want to play with you, I'm going to join the group behind. Nothing dramatic happens.
I wait and ask the next group hey can I crash your three some as I told them the group I was in had a problem person. They said absolutely. This next group was the most favorite randoms I have ever met, this one guy with surgery issues had so much positivity I have never seen anything like it, super positive, super funny and the girl was his daughter and she was awesome they inquire about the problems but I vaguely describe them. We got on the group I ditched and we are on their heels next hole.
Eventually the second last hole we caught up to them on the tee box, the girl tells the older man "pick up the pace"..
MONEY!

I'm a student I'm a 19F year old student in college dating a guy I been with for going on 3 years now I have a overall good relationship with my parents though we often butt heads a lot...throughout my whole life I had a "problem with boys" it started when I was 14F I started dating of course being young and dumb i did dumb things like texting inappropriately. My parents would go through my phone and find thing an make me break up with them even if we wasn't texting inappropriate as well...When I was 15F I met a guy who was Muslim who I started dating when I was 16F and he ended up sharing at part of his religion with me I got very close with his family but my parents are Christian so when they saw I was changing my views on my own religion and actually starting to love Islam and wanted to convert they forced me to break up with him i didn't want to because he was also my friend so I left home and this caused a big deal... my grandma called the police on me and I got brought home being forced to now see or talk to him, quite my job( I worked with him), and not graduate early (I was ahead and had great grades in High school). A year later I met my current Boyfriend who I truly love and I know loves me. Me and my boyfriend me 16M and 17F I am a year older. I try to hide him from my parents because I know they would probably tell me to break up with him or start going through my phone again. Which they did go through my phone and saw I was dating him and wanted me to break up with him but I didn't We continue dating and we wasn't perfect we were young a dumb as well when we first started dating we wasn't allowed to go on dates because we both didn't have a car so I try to sneak to his house ar got caught then a year ago I sneaked him into m house for a day while my parents where gone on ltheAsshole I'm a student I'm a 19 year old student in college dating a guy I been with for going on 3 years now I have a overall good relationship with my parents though we often butt heads a lot...throughout my whole life I had a "problem with boys" it started when I was 14 I started dating of course being young and dumb i did dumb things like texting inappropriately. My parents would go through my phone and find thing an make me break up with them even if we wasn't texting inappropriate as well...When I was 15 I met a guy who was Muslim who I started dating when I was 16 and he ended up sharing at part of his religion with me I got very close with his family but my parents are Christian so when they saw I was changing my views on my own religion and actually starting to love Islam and wanted to convert they forced me to break up with him i didn't want to because he was also my friend so I left home and this caused a big deal... my grandma called the police on me and I got brought home being forced to now see or talk to him, quite my job( I worked with him), and not graduate early (I was ahead and had great grades in High school). A year later I met my current Boyfriend who I truly love and I know loves me. Me and my boyfriend me 16 and 17 I am a year older. I try to hide him from my parents because I know they would probably tell me to break up with him or start going through my phone again. Which they did go through my phone and saw I was dating him and wanted me to break up with him but I didn't We continue dating and we wasn't perfect we were young a dumb as well when we first started dating we wasn't allowed to go on dates because we both didn't have a car so I try to sneak to his house ar got caught then a year ago I sneaked him into m house for a day while my parents where gone on vacation he felt uneasy because he knew my parents are strict and didn't want to get me in trouble but we did anyway and we were successful... Until 6 months later me and my dad had been arguing because of how I felt he treats me (we have a rocky relationship and when me mad he will ignore me for weeks) this turned into a family problem because my grandma and mom got into it and he felt I was putting all the blame on him. So one day I came home after going to meet my boyfriend ate the park (they knew I was meeting him) I came home and we got into a big argument. My dad said he doesn't talk to me because how I act and told me how he had on camera me sneaking my boyfriend in the house. I felt really bad and knew I was wrong but confused why he just now decided to confront me about it. But why forced me to break up with my boyfriend i didn't want to because I love him we been dating now for 2 years as well and I'm 18 but to go into college so I packed my stuff and tried to leave, my boyfriend wanted me to come stay with him till I could move into my dorm but my dad got mad and got physically aggressive and stoped me( gave me bruises on my arm). I brought all my college supplies myself man's my mom broke it in the front yard with a hammer... I even gave them my car keys and was but to leave to my boyfriend house in the Uber I bought. But they forced me to stay and break up with him also I wasn' allowed to go live on campus anymore. Now a year later my parents hate him and since I live in there house I'm not allowed to see him( we met one a week at my college to see each other secretly). They said I did this to myself and I always blame them… I don’t know what to think.

Idk, I’m probably just being an emotional baby and need to suck it up but like I hate myself? I left my abuser over a year ago and I guess he hid a bunch of notes in my stuff when my family went to go get my things (I asked them to wait until I got a restraining order because I figured he’d do something like that but fuck me and my opinions I guess) Anyway, I thought all the notes were found and burned but I have found two in the past two days and I don’t think I’m ever going to be rid of this man. Like he’s always just going to find ways to remind me that I can’t escape him.
On top of this, someone in the system is having huge feelings of guilt surrounding eating, so I feel like while I’m fighting the panic and anger feelings that these notes bring I’m also fighting to just feed myself.
Then I have fucking Adam yelling biblical verses at me to justify his idea of me just slitting my throat and living in purgatory for eternity, calling me an unfaithful whore who’s going to hell anyway so I may as well just end it now and go to purgatory.
I feel so many different ways, my whole system feels like they’re just in shambles and I feel isolated and like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, it’s like everything just keeps getting harder. No amount of work I do seems to amount to any positive or lasting results so why am I even bothering?
I don’t know if I should even bother with a crisis line or CSU because mb doesn’t even believe in DID, they’re just going to give me another fucking booklet about how to manage my emotions. I’ve done all the booklets numerous times, they don’t do jackshit. I’m just so done with everything. I don’t want to be here anymore, I don’t want to keep fighting because it doesn’t make things better anyway.
I know I should just focus on gratitude, and do idk mediation or mindfulness or something but that’s not working.
So yeah. Sorry if you read all of this, I know we don’t need anymore “feeling sorry for myself” posts but I just needed to put this somewhere in the world. Maybe the universe will see it and cut me some slack.
-Jaelyn

Hey everyone. I wrote this a while ago and never did anything with it. Just seeing what other people think, and if it's worth continuing.
The black Monte Carlo sped north on Third, passing Pike Street and slowing down before hitting Pine Street. The sidewalks were littered with detritus, both the organic and inorganic varieties. It was hard to distinguish between the piles of trash and the drug addicts huddled under their blankets, sitting on the sidewalk, waiting for someone to give them money or someone to sell them drugs. The car slowed even more as they saw a prospective customer. It was a black car with blacked out windows. 22 inch low profile tires, mag rims. It passed Pine, drove another block and hung a right onto Stewart.
Astrid twisted the throttle of her bike to keep the car in sight. She’d been tailing it for half an hour, ever since it had stopped at Jenny’s house. Astrid knew exactly why it had been there, and she wasn’t happy about it at all. Jenny had spent a long time getting clean, getting off the street. Building a life that didn’t involve drugs or selling herself at the whim of some pimp. When Jenny had called Astrid in tears, it took everything she had not to run over there and be the comforting shoulder. But sometimes you needed to take a different tact, and Jenny had shoulders aplenty to cry on. The punks in the car had leaned on Jenny, trying to get her back in the business. They thought they could intimidate her into compliance. Nobody knew how the punks had gotten her info, but there they were, big as life and twice as ugly. Astrid had gotten a description of the punks and their car, and caught up to them as they made their way down Broadway on Capitol Hill, and then down University Street to downtown Seattle. There was enough light from streetlights and buildings that Astrid reached down and flicked a switch that turned her headlights off. It had cost a bit of money to have that installed. It made the matte-black bike almost invisible at night. Couple that with some very expensive exhaust that muted the bike into almost complete silence, and if you weren’t looking at her you wouldn’t notice that she was riding by. Which also made it a lot more dangerous to be riding at night, but what Astrid wanted to do required at least a little bit of surprise. That made it worth the risk.
The car turned right again on 5^th Avenue and made a circle to come back to Third. Astrid knew they wouldn’t get out of the car to do their deals. That made her job a bit more difficult, but still possible. She copied their turn and hung back a bit, letting them find their spot. The car slowed more and pulled over to the curb. A few of the vagrants got up and stumbled over to the passenger window, where transactions were made, some silent, some not so much. There was little fear of any cops doing anything. The Seattle PD had been neutered for some years, and now the drug dealers, addicts and various other flavor of criminals ruled the streets.
Astrid pulled her bike to the curb behind the Monte Carlo and turned it off. She doubted anyone could find the start button since she had it moved, but there was no need to tempt anyone with a running engine. She walked quietly up the driver’s side of the car. Her black leathers and black helment left her as a silhouette on shadow. The driver’s window was down, and the smell of marijuana smoke made her nose wrinkle. The people in the car were focused on the vagrant who was haggling for more of whatever they were selling, and she was able to walk up to the driver’s window without anyone even noticing she was there. As she walked she pulled her silenced Walther P22 from her jacket. People can laugh at the 22 Long Rifle all they want. Pea shooter. Not a real bullet. Get a real gun. Whatever. That little bullet came out humming, and at close range she didn’t need a bigger gun. It wasn’t going to bounce off a human skull when it was fired from six inches away, it was going in nice and deep.
The man in the driver’s seat managed to notice that someone was at his window about a second before Astrid pulled the trigger.
People who have only seen guns in movies tend to think that a silenced firearm just makes a little “pff” noise when it’s fired. That’s not the case. There’s still an explosion going on in your hand, and that explosion makes noise. Especially in a semi-automatic firearm, where the slide cycles back to eject the spent casing. Noise escapes. Noise escapes from the silencer as well, it’s just not as loud. Anyone who’s aware and alert would know that a gun had just been fired. With a super-sonic round, there’s also the “crack” of the bullet traveling through the air above the speed of sound, but when your target is six inches away from the muzzle that’s less of an issue.
The driver had not been aware, nor alert. He was now slumped in his seat, eyes opened wide in an astonished stare as his brain functions ceased thanks to a 40 grain bullet traveling at 1260 feet per second. The passenger, bags of drugs still in his hand, was now aware but not alert. Either he was too stoned to know what had just happened, or the years of drug use made his brain operate slower than it normally would. He stared as Astrid shifted her aim and pulled the trigger again.
Funny thing about silencers – they take some time to warm up. The hot gasses pushing the bullet down the barrel get into the baffles of the silencer and make the next shots even less noisy. There’s still noise, and again, if someone were aware and alert they would know that a gun had just been fired. The passenger slumped sideways in his seat as the bullet hit him dead center on the side of his head. The vagrant who had been hassling him for drugs gaped, looking over the roof of the car at Astrid. He blinked, trying to process what he had seen, and Astrid wondered if she would have to take him out as well. He looked down at the dead drug dealer, then reached into the car and grabbed as many little baggies as he could before hauling ass down the sidewalk.
Astrid walked back to her bike, stomach clenching. She grit her teeth against the urge to vomit as she threw her leg over the seat and fired the engine to life. She pulled away from the curb and drove two blocks before turning her headlights on. She turned right onto Cedar Street, then continued on to Fifth Avenue North, driving past the gleaming metal shell of the Experience Music Project. She made it to Mercer Street before she had to pull over and rip her helmet off, then proceeded to vomit into the grass next to the sidewalk. Nobody bothered to give her a second look. Some lady puking her guts out? Just another druggie in downtown Seattle. Nothing to see here. In the midst of her vomit session a tiny thought in the back of her head wondered if she could find a modular helmet so she wouldn’t have to take the entire helmet off when she puked. She would have giggled if she wasn’t throwing up.
Once she’d emptied the contents of her stomach on the grass she put her helmet back on and rolled through the stoplight, turning right onto Mercer and taking a zig-zag route back to her house. She altered her speed several times, slowing down and then speeding up and making sharp turns to see if she was being followed. There wasn’t a tail in sight and it was doubtful there would be. She desperately needed a drink to get the taste out of her mouth. Her stomach rolled again, and she gagged before managing to get her body under control. As she rode under the Highway 99 overpass, she could feel the tears rolling down her face. Again. The one action of her body that she could never seem to control. But she was working on it.

I'm not very good talking about private topics like this but I don't want to make a huge deal if I'm wrong and try to talk to someone I know about it, and this was the only place that I could think of to talk. Our niece is supposed to be staying with us over the summer too so I definitely don't want to get things out of proportion.
My husband and I have been married for almost five years. Our bedroom life has been good and he's only the second man I've had that sort of a relationship with. Spring is bad though, because I get bad allergies and feel gross almost all of the time so it's hard to feel in that mood. I pretty much hoard and live off of benadryl.
My husband has been kind of pushing for sex for the last week and I know he's been waiting a while so now that spring is finished I felt more in the mood yesterday. I don't really do anything crazy and I like to keep it in the bedroom, but there's things that he likes that I ended up liking with blindfolding and handcuffing.
We started and it was all really nice of course. He even put on music which is something he doesn't usually do but I like because I get worried about noises even though we live alone. I don't know, I just get worried about a delivery arriving and someone hearing something. He was where he needed to be doing what it was all about but then he stopped and told me to wait. I can obviously kind of see under the blindfold when I'm laying down, but I have to take off my glasses to wear it and I can never make out much normally when I don't have my glasses.
He turned off the light to our room and kind of left me there for a few minutes just listening to music and feeling pretty exposed, which I don't always mind when we're together like that. Then he came back and I could kind of make out his shadow and he went back to where he'd been, but it felt different. I don't want to be crass but I know what he feels like after all these years and this felt different. Like more then I was used to. Things about it didn't feel like what I was used too.
I kind of put it down to waiting for so long before we started again, so things would feel a little different and uncomfortable after starting again, so we kept going. It was good and I liked it but other things felt different too like his rhythm and what he did with his hands but I don't know if it was because of the music. We finished and then he left again for a little bit and then came back and undid things and turned off the music and turned the lights back on and we just lay there cuddling for a little but then he started getting playful again and we started again, which isn't bad it's just that he hasn't really done that a little while after we first got married, but he had gone most of spring without so it made sense?
But after and all today I've been thinking about all the differences and if it could mean something happened. With someone else. Which I 100% would never want. But I don't know how that would even happen, they'd have to wait until we were actually doing something and we hadn't planned to do anything until we were doing it. I just can't get it out of my head

Hi! This is going to be a long one/rant and story because I really don’t know who to talk to about this in real life because I’m not in therapy and I’m so embarrassed to be feeling this way knowing I made all the choices to be here and people are already flying in from out of state to come to our wedding. Also I’m diagnosed adhd incase any of yall are wondering what’s wrong with me once I tell you all the decisions I made to get here. I am getting married in three months and have a son who is 15 months old. My now fiance 28m and I 27f met whenever we were thirteen years old in middle school and started a tumultuous up and down / on and off again relationship. We were together all the way up until junior year in high school and we broke up. I come from a broken home and he does not. Looking back I realize how much of me staying with him and trying to keep his attention stemmed from my abandonment issues that I must have had from my own parents. After we broke up he joined a gang in my local hometown and I was still in love with him so I decided to still be involved with him even though I was not in a relationship with him. I ended up losing my virginity to him while we were not together just because I wanted to be with him and we said we were friends with benefits but really I was just in love with him and thought by doing that maybe he would want to be with me again but he didn’t and continued to sleep with other girls and do drugs. I also started doing drugs like Xanax and smoking to fit in with him and be cool. I ended up getting a horrible tattoo because one of the other girls he was also seeing had a bunch of tattoos. I dropped out of my high school college courses and ended up going to jail for marijuana in high school and got kicked out of cheer and softball. I ended up on probation and having to be drug tested for a year. Within that year after being heart broken and realizing nothing I did would make him change into who he was before he got involved in our local gang or make him want to be with me… I ended up enrolling in college and getting accepted to a university where I would move about two hours away from our home town to live on campus and study to be a nurse. While on probation, so I couldn’t really party or anything in college which was good (even though I was never really addicted to anything and it wouldn’t be that hard for me) I wanted to save money for a car so I ended up getting a job at the hooters next to my college and was in college full time and working at hooters. My sister happened to go to that same college before I did and live in that town with her ex bf and they would give me rides to and from work back to campus. Low and behold after about two semesters of me being in college and finally feeling like I was moving on from him, he came back messaging me and telling me he missed me and wanted to be with me again. I was stupid and so excited that I agreed and asked him to come see me at college where he would stay for the weekend and we would have an amazing time. I felt so good about myself doing what I was doing and being able to show my growth. Despite all that he was still able to convince me to leave school and come back to be with him and live with him and go to the college near our hometown and work at the hooters near our hometown. I had already felt like I didn’t want to be a nurse at the time because my sister who was a nurse told me you could never leave the state as a nurse if you get your license there (which she didn’t know at the time that you could) and I knew I didn’t want to stay where I was from and wanted to eventually travel. So I decided to leave and move back with him in his bedroom at his parents house where I would work at the hooters close to our home town and never enroll in the college. He would eventually break up with me while I was at work one day even though I was living with him and since I didn’t have a car he continued to take me back in forth from work and I continued to live with him and continued to be in love with him while he committed to the fact that he didn’t want to be in a relationship but wanted to marry me one day and just wasn’t ready for anything right now and still wanted to have sex with me which I did. From working at hooters I had auditioned for the calendar and ended up being really liked by the photographer and started doing some modeling from that which was super exciting for me because I always was interested in that and the pictures we took would blow up and I started getting well known in my area for modeling even though they were just pictures and I wasn’t making any money off of it. Eventually a guy came into hooters telling me about working as an exotic dancer and how much they could make and I still needed a car really badly and was desperate to get out of my ex’s (now fiance) house. So I told him I would be waitressing and that I heard the waitresses make good money there and asked him to give me a ride there one day and so he started giving me a ride everyday. The money was so good to me and the most money I had ever seen. I ended up staying in a hotel closer to the club I worked at and sometimes he would come stay with me and I would just uber to work. Eventually I had gotten a car which I was so happy about. A couple of weeks after I got a car I ended up getting sucked into human trafficking with a friend where I would live in a house with multiple girls for 6 months and go to work at the club every day of the week except Saturday and Sundays. I wasn’t doing anything extra just dancing but the money was going to some random guy. It’s crazy I know. I was stupid and young and my family were not concerned for me at all or involved in my life. unfortunately my friend is just now leaving that situation. I got out without anything no car or nothing and had nowhere to go so back to my exes I went where I decided I was going to buy a cash car again and I worked everyday like I was used to saved money and got a car. Moved to my sisters and stayed with her for a little where i decided I didn’t want to dance anymore and I got a job as a bottle service girl and then waitressing at another waitress. I continued modeling because it made me happy and I never told anyone the truth about the deep things that were happening in my life except for my now fiance. So nobody had no idea about me dancing or the human trafficking or anything. Everyone just knew I modeled. I ended up getting an apartment with some friends and One day I got the urge to go to California randomly and at my waitressing job I was handed $800 and I took it as a sign and booked a flight the next day. Where I went by myself my first time ever on a flight with no plans at all. The day I got there I got asked to be in a commercial two days later. My roommate and her friends flew out there to get me and she ended up being able to be in the commercial with me which ended up on tbs but I had to go back home to my apartment and responsibilities and couldn’t leave my roommate stranded. Even though months later we would end up getting in an argument and I’d move out and move back with my ex (now fiance) where I would continue to work and model (for free) and went back to the club to dance and then my sister ended up going to California for a travel nursing assignment and her and her bf broke up and she asked me to move with her. I had nothing else here, my ex was still saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship, he was consistently sleeping with other girls while we lived together and expected relationship things from me. I was paying for everything for him. I paid for him while he was in school for audio engineer, his gas, lunch, school clothes, shopping, I helped him open his own studio and bought his equipment and Mac for it, even though his parents were very involved in his life. I got all his family bday gifts and Christmas gifts every year. He was honestly just using me but I was so in love and blind. He encouraged me to go to California too so I had nothing else there for me, if he had told me to stay and he wanted to be with me I would’ve. I flew out on my 21st birthday and met my sister and Vegas where we would have such a great time and my ex spent that day hanging out with a girl that tried to fight me and didn’t even tell me happy birthday, I was crying in the bathroom in Vegas until my sister shook me and told me to get it together we’re in Vegas. I was so heart broken to be leaving him but he didn’t care. I got to LA and I instantly started modeling on day one I booked a photo shoot where I met a guy that reminded me of my ex (I know) but we instantly clicked and he was 7 years older than me. We ended up talking for a little bit and pursuing something even though I wasn’t ready emotionally but he didn’t really care and I was kind of star struck a little because he was a music producer for a very famous musician and he was very persistent but that’s another story. I ended up booking a music video as a main girl for my ex’s (now fiance) favorite artist. When it came out it was crazy because I felt like the universe and God was just blessing me for leaving that situation and I knew he would see it because he was so obsessed with that artist and it shook up the whole small town I was from. After that I booked a lot of cool jobs like Sephora and worked with a lot of companies, and did some music videos for other super famous artists, and walked in fashion shows and modeled for clothing brands etc. I was working all the time as an extra to pay my bills and I was meeting cool people. I was always getting invited to celebrities parties and just having such a fun time. I decided to start getting into acting instead and started going to acting school where a lot of well known celebrities also went to and I started having meetings with very popular directors and I was being mentored by famous directors and another person that created an tv entertainment channel that I won’t say here also mentored me a lot and got me a lot of meetings with these people and would go to dinners and stuff etc with a list celebrities. I truly was living the life. And coming from where I can it was almost a dream. I had gotten in a relationship my first year there with that other guy I mentioned who ended up being super possessive of me but he treated me like a queen in the sense of paying for everything, giving me a safe space to tell my feelings, open up, the sex was amazing, he would take me on trips, took me out of the country for the first time. We ended up not working out due to lifestyle differences and just being at two different places and wanting different things. He wanted to move out of the country and have a farm and I wasn’t ready to do that as I wanted to focus on my career. (But I would die to move out of the country on a farm now ironically and he is doing just that now like he said he would haha) anyway, I ended up having my own studio apartment by myself that I loved so much and was so proud of. My sister had moved to Montana and it took a lot for me to get my apartment like staying in a house with other girls for a little to sleeping in my car and at a spa for a couple days. When I would fly home or drive home to see my family I would always see my ex, everytime. We kept a friendship and sometimes I would still help him out if needed, he was interning at a church through his school for audio engineering and recording people at his studio in our hometown. By this time I was going to New York and Miami also sometimes and doing work there. I wasn’t as stressed about bills anymore. I was seeing guys every now and then but not at all interested in a relationship, my heart was still healing from the past and both my exes but mainly my first (now fiance). I was super focused on my career and optimistic, I was used to the grind and in no way ever thinking of quitting. It just wasn’t an option because I knew I would make it wherever that would be because to me that is all I had for me and all I ever knew I wanted and the only thing that saved me. Skip to around October 2019 I had found out about a girl my ex was seeing and it crushed me. He was doing with her just like he was with me though. Just “friends with benefits” I was living in my apartment in LA still and my uncle that helped raise me was getting really sick back home and put on hospice so I decided to take a trip back to see him. I would go to restaurants in my state and near my home town and people would ask to take pictures with me, and at the little ceasars drive through someone asked if I was me and stuff it was crazy because I hadn’t been home in awhile and I felt like what I was doing was finally paying off and people were recognizing me. It was surreal. I ended up going to see my ex. I had such a fear of losing him to this other girl for some reason. I was so scared he would get her pregnant or get in a serious relationship since I was gone so far away and I would never be with him, I would end up sleeping with him again and the girl found out and drove by his house mad and cussing me out and throwing stuff at me. We ended up getting in a fight which is so embarrassing and beneath me. I ended up crying to him that I wanted to be with him and don’t know why he never wanted to be with me which at this time he honestly was not even in my playing field anymore. He told me if I wanted to be with him I had to move back to my hometown.. my heart dropped to my stomach and I knew it wasn’t what I was supposed to do but I said okay… all because this is what I had wanted all those years. I decided to stay where the next two years all I would think about everyday was I was making the wrong decision and needed to go back to my life. My hometown had nothing for me.. COVID hit a couple months after me being there and we were terrified. We ended up getting everything out of my apartment and moving into a house around the corner from his parents. I had to tell him how I liked to communicate now without yelling and stuff which I learned from the boyfriend I had in LA and that I wasn’t going to put up with that disrespect but he never listened. Eventually everything went back to normal. I ended up going back to the club again dancing because I didn’t want to go backward and model here. He never wanted me to go back to LA even for a little bit even though that’s where my career and heart was so I had no idea what to do with my life. I started waitressing as well and getting back on my adhd meds. People started pressuring us to get pregnant and we tried for a year and 6 months. The month I found out I was pregnant before I knew, I quit my job and decided I was going to move back and get my life back. Two days later I found out I was pregnant…. Finally after trying for over a year. Our relationship was toxic just like the past he always yelled, I could never talk to him about my feelings without him saying I was trying to fight, he spit in my face once, threatened me, put his hands on me, he would tell me he was going to take my baby away from me as soon as I had it. I started asking him about getting married while I was pregnant and the proposal wasn’t even that. He got mad at me for asking one day and walked in the room and handed me the ring. It didn’t fit because I was pregnant & it was $27 (not that that matters but the proposal sucked).. he drained both my bank accounts and they closed it, charged my credit card up and put me in debt, he has not let me do anything I want to do like school or anything. He is so bad with money. He has an action figure addiction and at one point was spending 3k on action figures every month and turned one of the rooms in our house into a collection room so I had to take everything out of my closet and put my sons crib in there for the first year of his life. we have good times and I feel comfortable with him. He knows everything about me but he doesn’t respect me and sometimes I feel like he is intimidated by me. The sex isn’t good at all we always just ask “do you want to have sex” he never gives oral or foreplay, I never get pleasure. He’s an amazing dad though and loves his son. We have the most sweet and beautiful little boy now who I love so much and he loves him also. He’s very attentive to his son. But I still feel unheard. I can’t talk about my feelings. If I do it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change anything. He is so defensive and we never communicate for a solution it’s always just pointing fingers. I have started yelling again because I’m so used to it now and I hate it because I grew up like that and I finally grew out of it until I got back with him and recently started again and now he throws it in my face and knows I begged him not to do it forever but he never stopped and now I am too. I’ve asked him to take me to the movies and he hasn’t still. I just ask for more romance and stuff but it just feels like I have a roommate. I have nothing now. I had my car and we traded it in for a new car that he wanted. I always dreamed of the next car I’d get once I paid it off but he got it & it’s in his name now so I paid it off for nothing. I’m driving around his dream car. I’ve been planning our wedding since I birthed our son and everything is going good. Money is tight. He works at the church now full time and makes about 45k a year or so, my son has been waiting to start daycare for awhile so I have been home with him. I’ve tried starting jobs multiple times but he is against it unless it’s super fast money like going to the club which I am so repulsed by and absolutely hate it now. I tried going back to college but my old college won’t release my transcripts for fasfa because I owe them money. I started cosmetology school a few months ago which he was all for but two months in freaked out and him and his mom guilt tripped me that we can’t handle this right now and he was having a hard time doing the night time routine for the baby while I was at school so I had to leave and now owe that’s school for my kit unless I enroll again in 128 days. I also miss modeling so much and sometimes think I can start again but it’s been five years. My body is so different too after a baby. Everything I want is a no go. Especially moving out of our hometown. He says he wants to but I don’t think he does. We are constantly at his moms and dads and they tell us all the time we aren’t moving anywhere which is really hard for me as this place is super toxic for my soul. Anytime I get money he spends it. Anytime I save money he spends it. Even if it does go towards our bills. His action figure habit is almost nonexistent now and he has grown a lot in the past few months from that since I demanded my son have his own bedroom after his first bday and all his figures are in boxes now and told him he could turn the shed into his man cave. He says we can’t save because we have nothing to save after bills but I believe in saving anything even $5 a paycheck. It’s doable. I grew up poor so this is nothing to me but after living the lifestyle I lived in LA and going out with guys that respected me and cherished me it’s hard. I know nobody is perfect but we are about to get married and I’m scared… I have nothing though anymore. I’ve threatened to leave a couple times and he says he will take me to court and take my baby. I’m scared he might. I don’t want my son to be angry like him or not respect women how he does. In public he’s a saint. He also has a very supportive family that it’s almost toxic. They all blame me for his anger issues and say I make him that way. But he’s been punching walls since I met him in 8th grade. I know it’s not because of me. But I have nobody else and nowhere else to go. No money. No car. I’m at the bottom again where I was before. Only difference is now I have a son. And we are getting married in three months and I can’t call it off. I am older now and looking back on my life I realize he maybe truly never loved me and I was just so desperate for love. I got myself here nobody else. I accepted everything, even when my gut told me not to. ( he is not just horrible, he’s a great person just with some bad qualities like everyone but I’m tired of feeling stuck with someone that never truly wanted me and doesn’t care to grow in some ways or show me )
Please help.. what do I do?

First off, let me just say that I'm so glad the movie turned out the way it did. If anything changed, I don't know if I would've fallen in love with Frozen the way I did, so I'm not here to say that I wish things were different. However, that doesn't mean the film cannot be improved. While I love Frozen with a passion, the movie isn't perfect and can be improved. Here's how I would improve Frozen 1. This isn't perfect of course, but I think it fixes some of the flaws of the film. I'm also going to just talk about Frozen 1 because I feel like I'd write forever if I was talking about F2. I don't know how long this is gonna be. It may be multiple parts. I'm just gonna write as much as I can and see what happens.
Intro
So the movie starts off with ice harvesters singing "Frozen Heart." It introduces us to young Kristoff & Sven. I like the opening, but I do think they could've showed that Kristoff is an orphan or something and the ice harvesters took care of him (temporarily). I mean it's kind of strange that a little boy and a baby reindeer wander on their own. Anyways, we get to little Anna & Elsa playing together. I love everything about their playtime and how it leads to the accident. I think that's all great. Then we get to the trolls. I think many people agree that the trolls weren't everyone's favorite part of the film. The King goes to them for help and they all act like wise creatures. Then we see one troll say that they're gonna keep Kristoff & Sven. I always found that strange. They're just kids. It would've made sense if they established that Kristoff was an orphan without a family, so the trolls are his "new" family. But besides that, the trolls erase Anna's memories of magic, and tell Elsa that she should not fear. But then Agnarr decides to shut Elsa out from the world, even Anna. Ngl, as much as I love how Anna & Elsa's separation was integral to the story, and Do You Wanna Build a Snowman is one of my favorite songs, I do think that the parents should've at least talked to Anna and explain something to her. They don't have to say that Elsa has magic, but they could've said something to her instead of leaving her clueless. And they could've at least had Elsa practice using her powers instead of concealing everything. But at the same time, maybe her concealment is why "Let it Go" is so powerful, so maybe they can keep that part. But I still think that they could've said something to Anna.
Anyways, we fast forward in time, the parents are dead, and Anna is at the funeral by herself. I love this. It's so emotional and shows how miserable the sisters are. (I don't want them to suffer. It's just good development 😅)
Coronation Day
3 years later, it's coronation day. We see some of the people in Arendelle and what they're like. I like how Arendelle has a personality too like it's an actual character. They show us a lot about Anna and For the First Time in Forever is a great song. I love the brightness from Anna's perspective and the darkness from Elsa's perspective. The lyrics do a great job of showing their struggles. I love how Anna is already interacting with all the people, while Elsa looks at them from above, keeping all her emotions and powers to herself.
Then we get to Hans. I think their first encounter is fine and all and quite comedic. The one thing I have mixed feelings about is when Hans apologizes to Anna and she says "I'm not that princess...lucky you it's just me." I have mixed feelings because on one hand, I don't like how Anna sees herself as inferior to Elsa. On the other hand, I do like how she looks up to Elsa and is always there to support her because she knows that Elsa is the rightful queen of Arendelle. I don't really know how I'd change this line.
Next we get to Elsa getting coronated. I love how we see Elsa's fear as she's being crowned queen and taking off the gloves. We can feel her stress and all the tension rising. Then she puts the staff down and puts her gloves back on. I love it! Then we get to the ball party. I like how Elsa is the regal queen and Anna is kind of clumsy and unorthodox, which shows that she's being herself and there's nothing wrong with that. You can tell Anna feels awkward around Elsa because they haven't spoken in so long. Elsa says hi to her and Anna can't believe it. She says "Hi...Hi me? Oh uhm hi." Then Elsa calls her beautiful and Anna returns the favor but stutters. It's clear that the sisters want to talk, but don't know how to interact properly. Anna says things like "It's warmer than I thought, and Elsa says "This is what a party looks like." It's very basic until Elsa says "What is that smell" then both sisters say "CHOCOLATE" and laugh. I love this so much! It's so wholesome. Even though they're the queen and princess of Arendelle, they're talking like sisters, talking about chocolate. This is the first time they're getting close to each other since they were kids. Then we see Elsa tricking Anna into dancing with the Duke and she starts laughing. It shows a lot about Elsa's mischievous side, and I love it. Afterwards, Elsa asks Anna if she's okay, and Anna says it's so nice and that she wants things to always be like this. Elsa says "Me too," but then her smile disappears and says "But it can't." She turns around and Anna walks away, about to cry, and Elsa looks at her, feeling heartbroken and guilty herself for pushing Anna away again. Why do I love all this? Because Elsa is finally warming up to Anna and is getting close to her, but then realizes that she can't be too close because she thinks she'll hurt her, so she pushes her away and hurts her emotionally. Elsa doesn't want to do that, but it's better than hurting her with her powers (in her mind). I feel so sorry for both sisters in this scene. Anna was about to cry and I just wanna hug her, but then some guy bends down and almost knocks Anna over before Hans catches her. They start dancing and get to know each other better. I love "Love is an Open Door" because it's a catchy song, talks about an important theme of Frozen (opening the door to show your love for others) and it's one of the few times that foreshadows Hans being a villain.
After Anna accepts Hans' proposal, we get back to the party. Anna yells "Elsa, I mean queen." It shows that Anna was being herself, but then remembers that she's in a formal setting so she refers to Elsa as queen. So they ask for Elsa's blessing, and of course Elsa reasonably says no. Anna goes "Wait, what?" Then Elsa asks to speak with Anna alone. I kinda wish we heard a 1 on 1 talk with them two, but Anna also saying "You can speak to both of us" is also a reasonable response given her situation. Elsa then says "Fine. You can't marry a man you just met." You can see the change in demeanor between this line and the last. When Elsa says no, she speaks like a queen. Then when she says "May I talk to you please? Alone?" she talks like a sister, then when she says "You can't marry a man you met" she talks like a queen again. It's like Elsa wanted to say something else, but because she's speaking to Anna and Hans, she says this. Anna then fires a shot at Elsa saying she knows more about love and all she does is shut people out. Anna is very hurt at this moment, and has every reason to be. Elsa then walks away and requests to close the gates. Anna can't take it and pulls Elsa's glove, saying "I can't live like this anymore." Elsa then says "Then leave." Maybe it was just the heat of the moment, but I don't know why Elsa said this. Elsa wants to be with Anna, why would she tell her to leave? She could've just said, "Sorry Anna, this is the way things are now." Anna then loses it and says "What did I ever do to you?" and pushes Elsa to her limit before Elsa's powers unleash. I honestly love the built-up tension in this scene and how it led to Elsa's powers going berserk. I just didn't like how Elsa told Anna to leave, but apart from that I love this scene. We see the fright on Elsa's face and the disbelief on Anna's as she says "Elsa." But before Anna says "Elsa" here's what I wanted to include:
When Elsa's powers first unleash, they show us Anna's perspective. When she sees the ice on the floor, it unlocks memories for her. We see a quick montage of Anna's mind. It basically shows us the opposite of Grand Pabbie's vision. You know, in that vision, all the magic was replaced with actual snow outside? In Anna's mind, the opposite is happening. Anna sees snow from outside but then it turns into Elsa's magic. We see her memories until the last time they played together where Elsa struck Anna. Then we zoom out of her mind onto the present moment. Anna then sees Elsa's frightened face, and that's when Anna says "Elsa" before Elsa runs away. Anyways, Elsa runs out, and the people are cheering for her. I like how one of the ladies asks "Your majesty. Are you alright?" Again, it's showing that Arendelle is a character in itself. They care about the well-being of their queen. Anyways, Elsa runs and everything goes wrong. She strikes the Duke and everyone sees her and is frightened. She runs away and Anna chases her. Elsa is panicking and runs away in fear. The kingdom freezes, which shows the extent of her powers. Anna walks all cold and everyone sees that it's snowing. Hans asks Anna are you "alright" to which Anna says "No." When he asks did you know, since Anna's memories were unlocked, she could've said "I thought I didn't, but when I saw the ice, then all of a sudden I remembered again, but I don't know why I didn't remember befor-" then she hears the Duke telling his guards to go after the queen and tells them to stop. Anna remembering the accident would make a lot more sense for her to forgive Elsa and blaming herself for the winter. I do love how Anna defends Elsa saying that she was scared and didn't mean any of this. So Anna goes after Elsa without fear, which shows how great a character she is.
Let it Go
Next we get to Let it Go. I love this song so much. The song itself is perfect. I'm not going to change anything about it except for one thing. Elsa does NOT build Olaf during Let it Go. She builds him later, and I'll explain why when we get to it. The first time I saw Frozen, I didn't even notice Elsa building Olaf. It went over my head. I only noticed it after my second watch. But apart from Elsa not building Olaf, the rest of the scene is perfect and stays the same.
I'll talk more about how I'd improve Frozen in another post(s). I hope you guys like my (slightly improved) version of Frozen so far

This joke requires props, so I'll give instructions on how to tell it rather than trying to capture the physical element with the written word.
Get something you can use as a pointer that won't affect your phone's screen. Call up a side view image of a chicken and size it to fill your phone's entire screen.
Show the image to your kids. Explain that you are going to point to different parts of the chicken, and each time, they should say the name of that part two times. Demonstrate by pointing at the beak and saying, "Beak, beak!"
Point to the feet; they should say, "Feet, feet!"
Point to the tail; they should say, "Tail, tail!"
Point to the wing. They'll say, "Wing, wing!" Immediately put the phone to your ear and say, "Hewwo?"
ETA When this joke was told to me, the guy rolled a sheet of paper into a tube. He had me hold up one hand with my thumb and pinky sticking up, bent the tube in two places and stuck one end over each digit. He then produced a crude line drawing of a chicken. When I said wing wing, he picked up the tube and held it to his ear like the receiver of a landline.

Good evening Healthcare_anon members
I believe we are at the midpoint of the multi series DD on the paper:
Rooke-Ley H, Brown E, Grumbach K, Hoffman A, Ryan A, Roy V, Grogan C, Appelbaum E, Lipschutz D. Medicare Advantage and Vertical Consolidation in Health Care. American Economic Liberties Project, April 2024. Available: https://www.economicliberties.us/our-work/medicare-advantage-and-vertical-consolidation-in-health-care/#, accessed 05/19/24 (for this subreddit post).
Today's discussion will be centered around page 23-31. I will be collaborating with u/ Fabulous-airport-273 on the remainder of the paper, as I believe we should address the topic in a collaborative fashion after this midpoint. If you like, you may review the previous DD in the following links:
https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1culz57/medicare_advantage_capitation_model_prio
https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1cw50xp/vertical_integration_of_the_healthcare_insurance/
https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1cwsavi/vertical_integration_of_the_healthcare_insurance/
I was thinking on also discussing Aetna and Humana within the model as well, however in the interest of time and effort, I may have to revisit those 2 creatures at a later time - not because they are particularly difficult, but that it would be a similar rehash of UNH and BHG. The minutiae of improper population model care and investment made by CVS/Aetna and Humana is in my personal belief the reason why their MCR exploded, and perhaps inadequate preparation for CMS V28 blend adjustment also played a role. Even though CVS/Aetna has an adequate service sector, Humana does not, and we may see further margin divergence of these 2 behemoths.
Without further digression, let us begin:
Vertical consolidation - what is currently happening
"Consolidation allows these vertical conglomerates to use capitated payment structures in ways that drive profits without creating value. As noted above, corporate consolidation in health care has existed for decades, largely driven by hospitals. The primary result: hospitals can negotiate higher prices in the commercial market, cut labor costs and demand more of clinicians, and exploit various loopholes in the fee-for-service Medicare system. In addition, private equity (PE) rollups in health care have risen dramatically over the decades, also exploiting fee-for-service reimbursement and threatening patient care."
We have certainly seen the damage from PE acquisition on practices, especially in emergency medicine, which I previously alluded to in: https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1c0bi4u/the_healthcare_workforce_staffing_crisis_a/. The damage to physician morale is especially acute during this consolidation process.
We are also seeing widespread practice buyouts in the PCP arena now:
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/08/health/primary-care-doctors-consolidation.html
https://www.beckersasc.com/asc-transactions-and-valuation-issues/optum-s-multibillion-dollar-acquisition-spree-3-deals-to-know.html
https://www.hcinnovationgroup.com/finance-revenue-cycle/mergers-acquisitions/news/55000097/steward-health-care-plans-to-sell-physician-network-to-optum
https://radiologybusiness.com/topics/healthcare-management/healthcare-economics/unitedhealth-earns-emergency-order-buy-radiology-provider-placed-crisis-due-change-cyberattack
The last one from Corvallis is a particularly spicy acquisition - the change healthcare cyberattack created a cash flow crunch within Corvallis, creating the impetus for Corvallis to then sell itself to Optum. If I were to use cruder terminology, the analogy is this: Optum/Change groomed Corvallis to be dependent on its "service", and once Corvallis is dependent on Optum/Change, Optum/Change then "convinced" Corvallis that Corvallis needs to sell its body (clinics) to Optum for the couple to stay together after Optum/Change failed in its basic "pimp" duty on protecting the groomed subject. Absolutely disgusting analogy, and I hope it brings the message across - what Optum did was absolutely abhorrent and should have paid Corvallis interest and damages, but instead gets to steal the Damsel-in-distress. Who said pimping doesn't pay?
"Today, as policy moves away from fee-for-service, analogous patterns of corporate consolidation are emerging under capitation-based financing. While vertical conglomerates promise clinical integration, familiar harms are emerging, such as the push toward “productivity” medicine and the replacement or supplementation of physicians with less expensive advanced practice providers."
Ok, I am not sure if that last part was absolutely necessary. Advanced Practice Providers (APP) are Physician Assistants (PA), Advanced Nurse Practitioners (APRN), or in the case of Anesthesia, CRNA (Certified Nurse Anesthetist) who work under a supervision of an overall Medical Doctor (MD) for the practice. In the current labor shortage, there are not enough physicians to make up for lack of physician help. I would rather work with our APP colleagues on creating a more equitable platform, and this paper is not helping the cause in this manner. Vertical integration can bring plenty of harm, but having APP being part of the Team is NOT a problem. In fact, I have worked with many APP who are wonderful healthcare colleagues and we all want the same thing: equitable treatment of our patients in the most humane, effective, and medically appropriate way possible.
I. Gaming capitated benchmarks:
"Vertical conglomerates in capitation-based models are keen on controlling primary care physicians, who are essential for inflating risk-adjustment payments and quality bonuses. In MA alone, gaming of risk adjustment is responsible for at least $23 billion in annual overpayments to insurers, while quality payments amount to another $10 billion in subsidization without demonstrated value. In addition to increasing costs, the preoccupation with risk-coding and box-checking wastes scarce time with patients and contributes to dissatisfaction among clinicians."
Remember my CMS DD a month ago? If not, I will submit those links again:
https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1c1n3tf/cms_finalizes_payment_updates_for_2025_medicare/
https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1c1yg8q/cms_finalizes_payment_updates_for_2025_medicare/
We on the field AND CMS knows this is happening. In fact, CMS is attempting to stop this practice by the rollout of CMS V28 AND the April 1 2024 Contract Year 2025 Medicare Advantage and Part D Final Rule (CMS-4205-F). What CMS is attempting to do is to decrease the capitated payments on risk adjustment and quality bonus payments to elongate the Medicare Trust Fund depletion runway, which hopefully also will force the MA companies to take care of patients. As was seen in our 24Q1 DD, companies will instead retrench, retreat, and cut benefits instead. this indicate a potential market failure of the capitated model payment. We should readdress this point in a future post.
***"***The centrality of data in diagnosis coding puts vertical conglomerates in the driver’s seat. It helps contextualize UnitedHealth’s recent $13 billion acquisition of Change Healthcare, the nation’s largest billing clearinghouse, which, according to the Department of Justice, would give UnitedHealth a near monopoly (94% market share) over the clearinghouse market. Through the prism of risk coding, as well as other financial strategies discussed below, the business case was obvious: acquiring Change gives UnitedHealth visibility into the claims, diagnosis codes, and provider IDs of tens of millions of patients"
With the Change Cyberattack in February 2024, UNH unleashed the biggest cybersecurity threat on our patients' medical history in this nation's history, all because someone forgot 2 factor authentication on a whole server worth of data. Good job United. We thank you for proving the ineptitude of private enterprises. We no longer get to just make fun of the National Health System in UK for ineptitude, or that only government agencies suck, but a private enterprise that is a small nation state with a profit margin higher than the NSA's yearly budget can't figure out 2FA.
***"***As with risk adjustment, vertical conglomerates can inflate quality scores with greater control of clinicians. They can, for example, game medication adherence quality measures by pushing providers to put their patients on 90-day refills, mail-order prescriptions, and automatic refills, even if patients never take the medications. Similarly, they can discourage or prohibit clinicians from giving samples to patients and allowing them to use lower- cost alternatives. Further, Star Ratings and other quality programs require significant administrative efforts, placing small practices at a disadvantage."
I do take exception to the samples argument. Look, we just got out of the VERY SHADY stuff happening in the 90s with MD offices taking a HUGE backhand deal when giving out samples, I don't really want to see that stuff back in vogue again. Do you know how frustrating it was for a patient to say they are on a med that is from their doctor's office, they got it for free, and they must have it as an inpatient, when they don't even have it on the medication fill list or on the electronic medical record database? Who do I trust?
II. PATIENT STEERING AND “CAPTIVE” REVENUE:
This section is the reason why I did UNH and BHG as a DD - to pave the way for the discussion on this section. If you haven't read it, please see:
https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1cw50xp/vertical_integration_of_the_healthcare_insurance/
https://new.reddit.com/Healthcare_Anon/comments/1cwsavi/vertical_integration_of_the_healthcare_insurance/
"UnitedHealth is increasingly relying on this captive revenue—or “intercompany eliminations”—with its growth of its provider subsidiary, Optum. UnitedHealth has increased intercompany eliminations by over 80% in five years, reaching $108 billion in 2022. It now sends over 25% of its medical claim revenue to its own subsidiaries. Its market presence shows why: UnitedHealth exists in 87% of insurance markets, only rivaled by Humana at 90%. 130 Further, UnitedHealth has over 50% share in more than 140 MA markets."
OK even though this paper is quoting another paper, my 10K/10Q analysis does match what this paper said, except it isn't 25%. Its 37.7% now. WHOA!
"These captive revenue strategies enable regulatory arbitrage. Medical Loss Ratios (MLRs) were established in the Affordable Care Act to cap insurance administrative costs and profits and to ensure that a minimum percentage of capitation payments and private insurance premiums were spent on medical care. However, insurance companies can circumvent this regulation by paying themselves, directing above-market payments and end-of-year bonuses to their own sister subsidiaries. This is referred to as “transfer pricing” and has been best documented with PBMs. For example, UnitedHealth can evade the MLR requirement by paying higher-than-cost fees to its Optum PBM, booking that fee as a medical cost. The same is possible with medical providers: insurers can increase fees to their sister primary care or post-acute providers to conceal profits as costs and to therefore evade the MLR constraint."
Is this how UNH continues to have high profits, and how the impact of CMS V28 somehow did not threaten UNH and Elevance the same way as Humana and CVS/Aetna? I think they may be onto something...
"In addition to increasing profits, steering squeezes independent providers and other competitors. In the prescription drug space, the gaming of medication adherence, explained above, diverts business away from unaffiliated pharmacies while gaming quality metrics. As another example, vertical conglomerates that own PBMs can devise formularies and copays that funnel patients to their own pharmacies, squeezing independent pharmacies. The proliferation of “specialty” pharmacies embeds these anti-competitive practices.".
Personal anecdote: I know of independent pharmacies who CANNOT compete anymore due to high PBM requirements, "clawback" penalties, quality metrics that is impossible to achieve, and "out of network" processing fees, that these pharmacies either have to be shut down, or acquired. "Specialty Pharmacies" are basically pharmacies who carry high dollar cost items that may have more stringent FDA counseling requirements, but because now the Marketplace is littered with PBM funnels, most independent pharmacies cannot "enter the foot in the door" of the PBM requirements. Guess who does though? Optum Rx!
"Vertical consolidation in the post-acute setting presents similar steering risks. MA insurers have increasingly been under scrutiny for limiting or denying care through narrow networks, “ghost networks,” and onerous prior authorization. Recent reporting revealed that UnitedHealth and Humana are using artificial intelligence with their conveners, specifically NaviHealth, to drive “clinical” prior authorization decisions and override clinical judgment."
I think I've beaten this dead horse many times already.
"Another way to steer patients in post-acute care is to effectively bring the prior authorization function “in house.” By directly employing physicians, the risk-bearing entity can cut costs by prohibiting or discouraging clinicians from authorizing expensive care. In a 2020 whistleblower lawsuit reported by The Prospect, Maxwell Ollivant, a UnitedHealth-employed nurse practitioner in a nursing home, alleged that his supervisor denied requests to transfer UnitedHealth-MA patients with exacerbations to the hospital. This, Ollivant alleged, was consistent with UnitedHealth’s compensation structure, which gave bonuses to their clinicians who kept patients in the nursing home and out of the hospitals."
Well holy shit Batman, that is more degenerate than a WSB 0-5DTE put taken on a Thursday afternoon.
III. PATIENT “FLIPPING” AND ENROLLMENT ARBITRAGE
" In MA, favorable selection is responsible for another 11%-14% of overspending, or as much as $56 billion annually. Selecting enrollees also allows insurers in MA to game county benchmark bonuses, which excessively rewards insurers with patients in areas of low Medicare spending, to the tune of another roughly $10 billion in excess MA payments. As vertical conglomerates increasingly own physicians and operate in ACOs, similar risks of selection may arise."
CMS is acutely aware of this gaming, however their model hasn't exactly been able to pinpoint how to address this yet. This was discussed in the CMS Final rule comments section.
"More direct than marketing, provider acquisitions allow conglomerates to “flip” patients into MA plans or ACOs by coordinating efforts with sister provider subsidiaries. Conglomerates can initiate the flipping strategy by using some of the steering tactics discussed above. In a recent lawsuit, UnitedHealth was accused of terminating contracts with unaffiliated physicians in order to force the patients to establish care at nearby Optum practices. In another suit, UnitedHealth, with 50% of the MA and commercial insurance markets, allegedly attempted to force the sale of local practices to Optum. UnitedHealth was accused of cutting insurance reimbursement and steering members away from the target practice, and as a condition of insurance contracting, forcing the target practice to give UnitedHealth the first right of refusal upon sale.
I inivite our physician colleagues to comment on this section. I have personally heard of such anecdotes, but further validation is always helpful and will also increase our membership engagement on such complicated subjects
And we now reach the end of page 31. This paper is extremely dense, and required basically a multi-layer DD on top of it to corroborate and create discussion points on the topic discussion.
We hope you enjoyed this half of the mini-series, and we hope to bring you the 2nd part of the mini-series soon as a collaborative post.
Thank you for taking the time to read through this. I hope this provides you with a better perspective on a glimpse of the landscape that I am personally aware. Please submit your comments below on your thoughts
Sincerely
Moocao
​

I've been struggling to find info on certain things regarding this machine, so I'm going to compile a few things I've learned from tinkering here in hopes that anyone furiously googling their weird question about legion towers can find this post.

• If your PC is making a "cricket" noise, it's the PSU. They are not very good. You should replace it. It's not difficult. Cables are very well managed and unlike earlier models, the side of the newer towers have metal hooks you can bend back and forth to secure cables (as opposed to zipties). There are also a couple of ziptied cables, but you can remove things without worrying about them. Look up videos from technitwit on PSU replacement for Legion towers.
  
• It's far, far easier to remove the top grill by pushing the clips up from the inside as opposed to using a spudger from the outside like the manual suggests.
  
• You can pull the front panel really hard from the lip at the bottom to get it off. It's going to feel scary but it's fine.
  
• Most PWM fans aren't going to play nice with lenovo's fan curve and just run at a constant 800 RPM. Maybe there are ways around this.
  
• Adding top fans in either intake or exhaust do absolutely nothing to the temps in this case.
  
• There are cutouts for mesh filters under the front and side panels. Just get some you can cut yourself off amazon.
  
• While there is physical space for a third fan at the front, there are no mounting holes, so don't bother.
  
• You probably won't fit a triple fan card in this case. If you do, it's gonna be tight. Your best bet is a dual card.
  
• The GPU bracket is a real pain to get off. You REALLY need to push hard on the screws to get them out of the GPU.
  
• A square of electrical tape over the power button LED perfectly solves the blinking it does when in sleep mode.
  
• If you randomly get really high temps (especially after changing a part), reset your bios and power off the machine for a few minutes. No idea, man.
  
• If you add a fan and then remove it, vantage will piss and shit itself and claim your rear fan is breaking with an error code. It isn't. Don't be like me and replace it, only to put it back. Just reset your bios and lighting settings.
  
• Be very careful of the RGB headers on the Mobo. They WILL get bent to shit with the slightest touch. But you can bend them back (within reason).
  
• If you want to control the CPU fan, use the steps outlined on this post: https://forums.lenovo.com/t5/Lenovo-Desktop-Towers/Lenovo-Legion-T5-26AMR5-CPU-overheating/m-p/5069785?page=9. Any fan control software, including Legion Fan Control, is non-functional on these machines for some reason.
  
• Vantage is the enemy. Configure things once and then never use it again. It will break out of nowhere and do weird things. Keep the machine on balanced mode with legion ai off, make your lights look pretty, and just never look again, man. It has so many weird bugs.
  
• Your PSU has a dust filter! Check the bottom of the machine. You should probably go clean that.
  
• Your SSD is behind the GPU, probably. Seems to be the case with most models, but consult your manual.
  
• There are SATA cables plugged into nothing at the bottom of the motherboard. They can get caught in the GPU fans. Don't ask me how I know, lol. You should just take them out unless you plan to add an extra sata drive in.
  

That should be about all. If I come up with anything else, I'll try to remember to add it in.

…extracted myself from the scene, the bastard that he is. The Scene is a man, a guy of my type, knowing full well where my weaknesses lie.
The Scene, this vice, I can sum up to be my “ideal” version of a man: strong, accomplished, seductive, magnetic. My standards being high, his being higher; he can drive any woman to her knees. He is the typical of what people ask for in this kind of place, but not in terms of looks: he can take care of a woman, he can pick up both her and the bill. He looks smart and well-read yet does not exude arrogance. I like thinking I am accomplished myself, yet he has accomplished far more, keeping me on my toes that I need to keep on and keep up, even if I am aware and he knows this is not for long.
I relapsed, and it feels like getting high for the first time for a second time. It’s the same high, but the high in your teens is different from the high as you get older. The high from the scene used to come from how a guy looks. He’s taller than me, he’s chinito, he has arms that can put me in a headlock, he has ab muscles the stuff of dreams. Over time the appearances matter less; what are looks but a façade, and I’ve never grown to trust a person who looks a little too physically presentable to be true.
The high from the scene now comes from how a guy treats me; so many would offer to meet halfway. Yet there is a type of man–you know the one–the one you would consider risking it all for, even if you only have him for a night. That man. That man, who would not let you lift a finger even if you could. That man, who would not only meet you halfway, but give you more than you asked for. Other guys would say, “you just know exactly what you want” or call me demanding, yet the rarer ones take things as it is and leave me with no choice but to follow their lead. Oh, that man. That man who I would get on my hands and knees for, who could make me say those magic words:

Where you will lead, I will follow.

I relapsed and I lied to my past self. She used to be the coach, saying “this is not the place if you are easily attached.” I thought myself to be strong willed and hard headed before the relapse; I swallowed my pride in the after. He left me stripped of whatever hardness I kept; he was brave enough to be raw and emotional, yet I kept myself under lock and key, quietly observing. Here in the days after, none of us talk. None of us message.
But every time I lift my phone, I wish it were his messages coming through. I know what this lifestyle entails; everyone is too busy to find love, or whatever fragment of it we can find. Modern dating has gotten to be a little too complicated to bother playing around anymore; too many assholes walking around in plain sight.
I know I struck gold with the relapse, knowing that the person who drove me to the beginning of recovery was a guy who could barely support himself to stay alive. The sheer difference is between the ceiling and the floor, me standing in between.
I relapsed and he hit me hard. Literally. I had gotten exactly what I asked for and underestimated that the darkest corners of my mind wears battle bruises with pride. My entire body has yet to recover, yet it does not flinch at his strength. He put his hands on me just as you may imagine it, just the way I like it. It is scary and troublesome to play with fire; under a different context, that experience would have been abuse. But I know what I want, and I know him to hold back.
I relapsed and he held me hard. Where my mind never calms, he calls out to me with open arms: come to me, lay next to me, sleep with me. When I ask how long he wants to have me, he says until tomorrow. I would give that to you and probably a few days more, but I know when a line is a line and when fantasy will never cross reality. His mere presence asserts dominance, he has so much to do out in the world. My dominance is not as strong as his is; I have yet a long way to go.
This is why I dislike aftercare. He has me fantasizing about a nonexistent future because real life sets in and we were never meant to cross paths. Yet how alluring the future would be if we built one together: fulfilling, high-stress careers in public, and keeping a dark secret in private. Let me be your dark secret. Use me until you can’t get enough of me. Use me until you embed me in your thoughts, into your dreams, use me until you see no end in sight.
And we play with fire, and we dance and pursue. Let me follow your lead until dark turns into light. I promise to be good.
I relapsed and the drug came back with a vengeance. I’m detoxing and detaching, and I know it will be harder the next time around. I want you around. This could have been any other vice, but my body chooses The Scene.
I’m now scared with what’s next, because these glasses have been tinted red.

Ok this might be a bit long... I'm in the state of Massachusetts and been on workers comp since October of 2021. The limit here is 3 years and this October makes it the 3. Everything's was going good and adjuster always paid my checks bi weekly and most my meds. I temp at my job went crazy and attacked me with an almost 2 foot pipe wrench that weighed at least 20 lbs. I was in my car and he destroyed it along with my face head and shoulder. I was knocked out for I really don't know how long but was pouring blood everywhere. Me and this man never had an issue or words at all. So I was sitting in my car eating lunch and was dark since I worked 2nd shift and there was basically no supervisors on my shift. I don't really eant to get more into the assault but will say I had eye damage esp. from the glass from the first strike through my window that knocked me out. My shoulder was injured and motion is back but couldn't finish PT due to my migraines which got better but with quilipta and zavzperat spray and Botox injections from a nuero. I still get them and triggered by certain things but did improve a bit since 2021.this man was not even clocked him my boss invited him to live there and sleep at the warehouse whenever the office went home and he would come since he was homeless and sleep wake up drink and just very odd guy which me and a co worker complained many times about his drinking and making us uncomfortable and my boss would just laugh. So they knew there was negligence and co operated fully and so did workers comp up until few months ago started sending me to imes which is when I finally got an attorney.my state can't use for apin and suffering when it comes to workers comp. The thing I face know which I did have anxiety and depression a bit in the past and was in and out of therapy through the years with self medicating before that around 2008 off and on also due to my brother's death. Since this assault though wow I panic daily about little things. Extremely scared to drive or leave the house. My family does almost everything for me and I'm a 37 yr old male. I'm on about 12 meds total and 9 is for mental health. I am diagnosed with post concussion syndrome, agoraphobia, depression, anxiety and insomnia. Of course the imes the insurance sent me to treated me so bad the first was a neurologist and tried to treat me as a psych patient the second wasn't rude and was actually a psychiatrist but could tell was not listening at all to me and wrote I have no issues and I am all good just like the first time. My attorney sent me to his own ime that will say just based on my pictures and medical records that I am disabled for life. My neurologist therapist and psychiatrist all wrote great letters but said they don't know if or when I will get better but also didn't say I am disabled for life and that's what my attorney is looking for but said the letters will help and are greatly written esp. how it goes against the imes. He said the judge knows how it goes insurance gets there guys they pay 900 to to make a report and my attorney gets his guy and plus treating Dr s that the hospital recommended through occupational therapy. My memory is very bad and sorry if I'm all over the place. My question is I have court on June 4. Saw my attorney Dr. Yesterday. Today attorney called me to talk about the case. He said you're payments stop October anyway and I'm sure I can get it to that but October comes the judge can cut off all money or extend it 4 years of checks but cut in half which is like 43000 in them years he said he would like to fight for full life long disability but due to my age being 37 it's an uphill battle but doesn't mean he can't get it but if I was in my mind 40s he said he'd have full confidence getting it. That's one my questions about the age thing also he told me they said well we would offer about 45000 to settle and a little more to settle the mental part of it he laughed at them he said. He said I can get you 100,000 but probably and this is all jus predicted but about 75,000 before I pay him his 20%. I really don't know what to do. I'm afraid it's such a low amount for head I jury and sever mental trauma where I don't have friends anymore and don't leave the house and pa ic non stop. Also want to be done with this and try and move on like my dr.s said maybe you'll start healing once this is behind you. I do have mass health insurance and they fill a lot scripts no problem when workers comp should be. So my attorney thinks it's fully up to me and court is less then 2 weeks and it takes him about a week to put together a settlement amount request hes cobfident about 75,000 i said i need to think hes said of course. I'm thinking I should ask him I won't take less than 80,000 but look more for 85,000 or little more. More I get he gets I know. I just don't want to piss him off he's very intimidating blunt straight forward guy. Any similar stories and advice should I say ok go for 75 or should I say try for 80 or85,000. I feel like if he thought he could get it he would since he gets a percentage. Sorry for the long rant guys. Any advice is helpful,tia.

Since I have been under assault the funding for directed energy weapons has absolutely exploded.News June 30, 2014
Directed Energy non lethal development budget compared to entire DEW from 2014- 2023.
-2014 non lethal: $1,630.6M
-2023 entire DEW: "US$6.4 billion in 2023 and is projected to grow at a CAGR of 19.6% during the forecast period 2024-2034."

Conducted And Directed Energy Weapons To Drive Non-Lethal Weapons Market Growth
The concept of a weapon that is designed merely to temporarily incapacitate, with little or no lasting injury, is relatively new. The development of non-lethal weapons can be viewed as a consequence of the rise of democratic values. The use of lethal force on a nation’s own citizens is often met with dissent and criticism in democracies. The rise of non-lethal weapons has taken place in the last two decades. Non-lethal weapons for anti-personnel purposes have become increasingly high in demand from law enforcement agencies across the world. The new report has calculated that in 2014 the market will be worth $1,630.6M.
The new report, now available on ASDReports, Non-Lethal Weapons (NLW) Market 2014-2024: Conducted & Directed Energy Weapons (CEW & DEW), Less Lethal Weapons (LLW) & Equipment for Military & Law Enforcement. This report finds overall market growth over the forecast period as more nations enter the market and technological advances realise new capabilities.
A detailed analysis of the latest political, economic and technological trends lies at the heart of the reports unparalleled quantitative and qualitative analysis of the non-lethal weapons market. The new report assesses that global spending on non- lethal weapons will amount to $1630.6m in 2014, or the start of the forecast period covered by this report. This 239 page report is packed with 205 tables, figures and charts that illustrate key trends in the market at the global level, 2 submarkets, and in 15 leading national markets. The report profiles 17 leading non- lethal weapons companies. The report also contains interviews with expert members within the industry and details of more than 150 relevant non-lethal weapons contracts and programmes.
“Non-lethal anti-personnel systems such as conducted energy weapons, less-lethal ammunition, tear gas and pepper spray have proven capabilities in crowd control situation. Our research indicates that non-lethal anti-personnel weapons are becoming increasingly high in demand particularly from law enforcement agencies.
In recent years, advances in energy weapon technology both Conducted Energy Weapons (CEW) for anti-personnel utility and Directed Energy Weapon (DEW) technology predominantly for anti-vehicle have highlighted the demand for such systems, particularly in nations with more advanced armed forces.
Furthermore, efforts of nations such as India, Brazil and South Africa to modernise their armed forces and security services will provide significant new market opportunities. It is believed that a lowering of barriers to entry with technological advancements made over the past decade will create new demand for a range of non-lethal systems. This new demand will drive growth within the market.”
The Non-Lethal Weapons (NLW) Market 2014-2024: Conducted & Directed Energy Weapons (CEW & DEW), Less Lethal Weapons (LLW) & Equipment for Military & Law Enforcement report will be of impressive value to current and future investors into the industry, as well as to companies and research centres who wish to broaden their knowledge of the non-lethal weapons market.

Conducted And Directed Energy Weapons To Drive Non-Lethal Weapons Market Growth
The concept of a weapon that is designed merely to temporarily incapacitate, with little or no lasting injury, is relatively new. The development of non-lethal weapons can be viewed as a consequence of the rise of democratic values. The use of lethal force on a nation’s own citizens is often met with dissent and criticism in democracies. The rise of non-lethal weapons has taken place in the last two decades. Non-lethal weapons for anti-personnel purposes have become increasingly high in demand from law enforcement agencies across the world. The new report has calculated that in 2014 the market will be worth $1,630.6M.
The new report, now available on ASDReports, Non-Lethal Weapons (NLW) Market 2014-2024: Conducted & Directed Energy Weapons (CEW & DEW), Less Lethal Weapons (LLW) & Equipment for Military & Law Enforcement. This report finds overall market growth over the forecast period as more nations enter the market and technological advances realise new capabilities.
A detailed analysis of the latest political, economic and technological trends lies at the heart of the reports unparalleled quantitative and qualitative analysis of the non-lethal weapons market. The new report assesses that global spending on non- lethal weapons will amount to $1630.6m in 2014, or the start of the forecast period covered by this report. This 239 page report is packed with 205 tables, figures and charts that illustrate key trends in the market at the global level, 2 submarkets, and in 15 leading national markets. The report profiles 17 leading non- lethal weapons companies. The report also contains interviews with expert members within the industry and details of more than 150 relevant non-lethal weapons contracts and programmes.
“Non-lethal anti-personnel systems such as conducted energy weapons, less-lethal ammunition, tear gas and pepper spray have proven capabilities in crowd control situation. Our research indicates that non-lethal anti-personnel weapons are becoming increasingly high in demand particularly from law enforcement agencies.
In recent years, advances in energy weapon technology both Conducted Energy Weapons (CEW) for anti-personnel utility and Directed Energy Weapon (DEW) technology predominantly for anti-vehicle have highlighted the demand for such systems, particularly in nations with more advanced armed forces.
Furthermore, efforts of nations such as India, Brazil and South Africa to modernise their armed forces and security services will provide significant new market opportunities. It is believed that a lowering of barriers to entry with technological advancements made over the past decade will create new demand for a range of non-lethal systems. This new demand will drive growth within the market.”
The Non-Lethal Weapons (NLW) Market 2014-2024: Conducted & Directed Energy Weapons (CEW & DEW), Less Lethal Weapons (LLW) & Equipment for Military & Law Enforcement report will be of impressive value to current and future investors into the industry, as well as to companies and research centres who wish to broaden their knowledge of the non-lethal weapons market.

https://www.rfglobalnet.com/doc/conducted-energy-weapons-drive-non-lethal-weapons-0001

Visiongain Publishes Directed Energy Weapons (DEW) Market Report 2024-2034
26 February 2024
Defence
Visiongain has published a new report entitled Directed Energy Weapons (DEW) Market Report 2024-2034: Forecasts by Type (Lethal Weapons, Non-lethal Weapons), by System (Anti-Satellite (ASAT) DEW, Electromagnetic Railgun Systems, Counter-Drone DEW Systems, Other), by Technology (High-Energy Lasers (HEL), High-Power Microwaves (HPM), Sonic Weapons, Electromagnetic Weapons, Other), by Application (Ground-Based DEW for Military Bases, Airborne DEW for Aircraft Defence, Naval DEW for Ship Defence, Homeland Security, Critical Infrastructure Defence, Other) AND Regional and Leading National Market Analysis PLUS Analysis of Leading Companies AND COVID-19 Impact and Recovery Pattern Analysis.
The global directed energy weapons (DEW) market was valued at US$6.4 billion in 2023 and is projected to grow at a CAGR of 19.6% during the forecast period 2024-2034.
Requirement for Cost-Effective Defense Solutions
The requirement for cost-effective defense solutions amidst constrained defense budgets is driving the adoption of directed energy weapons by military organizations worldwide. Traditional kinetic weapons and missile defense systems involve high procurement, operation, and maintenance costs, making them economically unsustainable for many defense budgets. Directed energy weapons offer a more cost-effective alternative with reduced ammunition costs, minimal logistical footprint, and lower lifecycle expenses. For example, the deployment of laser-based counter-UAV systems by military forces provides a cost-effective means of defending against small unmanned aerial threats compared to conventional missile-based interceptors.
Increasing Investments in Directed Energy Programs
The increasing investments in directed energy programs by government agencies, defense contractors, and research institutions are driving innovation and growth in the global directed energy weapons market. Countries such as the United States, China, Russia, and European nations are allocating substantial funding to accelerate the development and deployment of directed energy technologies for military applications. These investments support research and development initiatives aimed at enhancing the performance, reliability, and operational capabilities of directed energy weapons across various platforms. For instance, the U.S. Department of Defense's Directed Energy Weapons Directorate (DEWD) oversees a range of directed energy programs focused on advancing laser, microwave, and radiofrequency technologies for military use.
How has COVID-19 had a significant negative impact on the Directed Energy Weapons (DEW) Market?
The COVID-19 pandemic has had a discernible impact on the directed energy weapon (DEW) market, influencing various aspects of its development, production, and deployment. One notable effect has been the disruption of supply chains and manufacturing processes. Lockdowns, restrictions on movement, and workforce limitations imposed to curb the spread of the virus have led to delays in production schedules and the availability of essential components for DEW systems. This has, in turn, affected the overall pace of development and delivery of directed energy weapons.
Financial constraints have emerged as another significant impact of the pandemic on the directed energy weapon market. Many defence budgets faced reallocations and adjustments to address the immediate healthcare and economic challenges posed by the pandemic. Consequently, some defence programs, including those related to advanced technologies like DEWs, experienced budgetary constraints, slowing down investment and procurement processes.
Operational disruptions have affected the testing and validation phases of DEW systems. Social distancing measures and limitations on gatherings have impeded the ability to conduct field trials and exercises. These constraints have slowed down the evaluation and validation of directed energy weapons in real-world scenarios, hindering progress in achieving operational readiness.
How will this Report Benefit you?
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What are the Current Market Drivers?
Need for Precision and Lethality in Modern Warfare The need for precision and lethality in modern warfare scenarios drives the adoption of directed energy weapons by defense forces worldwide. Traditional kinetic weapons, such as missiles and artillery shells, often result in collateral damage and unintended casualties, limiting their effectiveness in densely populated urban environments and sensitive infrastructure areas. Directed energy weapons offer a more precise and controlled means of engaging targets, minimizing collateral damage and civilian casualties while maximizing lethality against enemy assets. For example, the U.S. Air Force's Tactical High Energy Laser (THEL) system demonstrates the capability of DEWs to engage and destroy incoming artillery shells and rockets with pinpoint accuracy, reducing the risk to friendly forces and civilian populations.
Growing Threat of Ballistic Missile and Hypersonic Weapons The growing threat posed by ballistic missile proliferation and the development of hypersonic weapons systems is driving the demand for directed energy weapons as a viable defense solution. Ballistic missiles and hypersonic glide vehicles pose significant challenges to existing missile defense systems due to their high speeds, maneuverability, and unpredictable trajectories. Directed energy weapons offer a potential solution for intercepting and neutralizing ballistic missiles and hypersonic threats in the boost, mid-course, and terminal phases of flight. For instance, the concept of using high-energy lasers or particle beams to intercept and destroy incoming missiles in near-real-time is being explored as a cost-effective and reliable defense against advanced missile threats.
Where are the Market Opportunities?
Advancements in Compact and Mobile Directed Energy Platforms Advancements in compact and mobile directed energy platforms are expanding the operational flexibility and deployment options for directed energy weapons in military environments. Traditional directed energy systems were often large, stationary installations limited to fixed bases or naval vessels, which restricted their mobility and deployment agility. However, recent technological advancements have led to the development of compact, lightweight, and mobile directed energy platforms that can be integrated into various military platforms, including ground vehicles, aircraft, and dismounted soldier systems. For example, the development of man-portable laser weapons, such as the U.S. Army's Mobile Experimental High Energy Laser (MEHEL) system, enables ground troops to engage and neutralize threats with precision and speed in diverse operational environments.
Need for Counter-UAS and Counter-Swarm Capabilities The proliferation of unmanned aerial systems (UAS) and the emergence of drone swarms as asymmetric threats are driving the demand for directed energy weapons with counter-UAS and counter-swarm capabilities. Unmanned aerial vehicles (UAVs) and drone swarms pose challenges to conventional air defense systems due to their small size, agility, and swarm tactics, making them difficult to detect and intercept using traditional kinetic weapons. Directed energy weapons offer a rapid and effective means of countering UAS threats by providing continuous, 360-degree coverage, rapid engagement, and scalable lethality. For instance, ground-based laser and microwave systems deployed in urban areas or critical infrastructure sites can detect and neutralize hostile drones and swarms with precision, protecting assets and personnel from aerial threats.
Competitive Landscape
The major players operating in the directed energy weapons (DEW) market are BAE Systems PLC, Blue Halo, Elbit Systems Ltd, Honeywell International Inc, L3Harris Technologies, Inc, Leonardo S.p.A, Lockheed Martin Corporation, Moog Inc, Northrop Grumman Corporation, Rafael Advanced Defence Systems Ltd., Raytheon Technologies Corporation, Rheinmetall AG, Textron Inc, Thales Group, The Boeing Company. These major players operating in this market have adopted various strategies comprising M&A, investment in R&D, collaborations, partnerships, regional business expansion, and new product launch.
Recent Developments
24 Sept 2023, Raytheon Technologies Corporation has entered into collaboration with Northrop Grumman to develop a prototype High-Power Microwave (HPM) weapon system for maritime applications.
04 June 2023, Lockheed Martin and Rafael Advanced Defence Systems partnered to manufacture 100 kW fiber-class laser weapons for the IRON BEAM project, aiming to defend Israel against rockets, mortars, and drones.
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Visiongain publishes reports produced by analysts who are qualified experts in their field. Visiongain has firmly established itself as the first port of call for the business professional who needs independent, high-quality, original material to rely and depend on.Visiongain Publishes Directed Energy Weapons (DEW) Market Report 2024-2034
26 February 2024

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