Disgust is such an interesting emotion
It's something from experience or memory, that I know is toxic.
It's not bad at all, it's a way we learn. What's harmful what's not
For example.
I find disgust an emotion I really want to investigate on. I get disgusted by so many things and culture etc especially the popular ones and the mainstream ones
To be more specific and personal
I am disgusted by vegans (soy boy face especially), because I was brainwashed by peta propaganda, when I was a teeny bomber, also when I was an internet influencer I used to hang out with those famous mainstream YouTubers who would make those soyface
To me anything mainstream is super disgusting yet I was always the one who makes being famous a part of my persona and I loved to be worshiped by the mainstream. My followers would make comments like hey you are very popular but you hate anything popular does that mean??? Yes it actually means I hate myself
The splits and the splits
To dig even deeper
I was looking for gemologists view on how to spot lab diamonds, and cams across a thumb nail of video of a guy making soyface and talk about lab diamonds. Two of my disgusts because they are both pop cult stuff ...
I couldn't help but click on it because I was so entertained by my disgust I wanted to investigate it
It turned out to be an actual really useful video so I'm glad I didn't let my judgement deter me
Then I wanted to investigate why I'm so disgusted by the Internet army of lab diamonds keyboard warriors, because as fanatic jewelry collector I've never encountered anyone like that in real life, and I was wondering why they are all online. Then I could just see it as an image of toxic rat race human race.
Then I realized the image of a jar, of compact rat race, some at the top some at the middle some at the bottom. Even if you are at the top you are still in a jar.
Being disgusted by others ego and pride is the same thing as being disgusted by my own ego and pride
I felt my disgust was that I only wanted to marry an unrealistically perfect husband who's super wealthy and handsome and somehow enlightened as well.
Seeing the internet cult of lab diamond follower is disgusting to me because it was being promoted and propaganda like the fkn serum injection of the convid days... That I need to join the mainstream cult ...
I dont want to marry some average dude who's not proposing me with anything less than my maladaptive day dreaming type two a twenty carat top workmanship engagement ring. And suggesting anything other than that is ok is almost bursting my hope of being healed and loved and valued.
I could also see the self loathing on that cult, having to bash the opposite and try to shout louder to beat the opposite but the same side... Quite compatible to the vaxxed vs truthers, the left vs right and list goes on.
It's disgusting to wake up from my own toxicity.
I e. You go to the lavatory to defecate the feces come out of your body but you don't want to ingest it back
But it's just a cycle.
I am also quite disgusted by the yoga cult because it's so mainstream and yucky just like the lab diamond cult.
I see similarities
Between the not able to get natural diamonds so have to bash it, and not athletic enough to do circus and gymnastics enough to make a spiritual ego out of yoga, yoga is all about feeling good and not wanting to feel pain which again trace back to my strong aversion towards mainstream spirituality of the whole spiritual bypass cult.
Also I've never seen the other way around much, I've never seen rich people with big natural diamonds make fun of poor people who can't afford it, I've never seen circus artists make fun of yoga people not being athletic enough, it's always the other way around some kind of inferior complex/ shortman syndrome/ small dogs bark a lot...
It makes me face the selfworth AND shame that is essentially in everyone .
I dislike the one who shoots the loudest because it's always from a sense of inferiority...
Another example would be "BLM" "transphobia" or whatever current thing is
It's so easy to get sucked into one
Nobody is immune to it including myself. Perpetually the ego and pride vs the shadow and shame. The split is a hole within a whole. It just makes me feel nauseous because I'm also part of it.
Yet there's nothing I could do other than love the pain and enjoy the ride
It's also same feeling as when I wake up with panic attacks knowing that I'm stuck in samsara but can't get out, however precisely it's because I want to get out I'm sucked in. It also doesn't work the other way around if I look it as already in nirvana there's no growth and healing in everlasting peace either.
Yes the middle way is always neutral and now. It's easy to say extremely hard to do.
I feel the disgust other than the vomiting sensation from my stomach is on the left side of the neck where I have a bump of knot, it wouldn't go away with messages or treatment or any physical chiropractice it's just stuck there. I associate that pain of throat chakra blockage with being socially ostracized, bullied at school and anxiety in public. It's that division of me against the world. I would feel physically sick and migraine and start feeling dizzy and nauseous into dissociation fugue.
It's quite a sickening feeling to know I'm not acceptable by the world outside.
Disgust could also be jealous? I'm not sure?
This guy an actor I worked with who got into mainstream stardom, I felt like he was so rude and disrespectful to me so I never liked him and also I really consider him ugly physically, you can't even pay me to sleep with him. Yet somehow he was accepted to mainstream so I get so disgusted Everytime I see his posters of movies or get talked about because I feel like I could or should be me instead but mainstream has such tacky taste.
So it secretly implied to me I'm worse than someone I despise? That's why I feel disgusted? I'm not sure
I feel disgust might also be related to shame
I'm gonna go back to the analogy of taking a shkt again
Shit is disgusting, I can't believe it came out of my body so I'm ashamed and it must be because I'm disgusting that's why my body shitsuit produced it?!
Why am I constantly surrounded by disgusting men if I'm not disgusting myself?
Why do I always get injured by trauma if I didn't attract it or deserve it?
It must be me
So shame - low self worth - disgust - anger - resentment - separation - split - dissociation fugue is all related on the same tangent
When I was younger I used to say my favorite movie was shutter Island and similar psycho thrill movies, now I know why. I loved it that waking up from the dissociation the enemy or something I disowned and escape from is just my past and my trauma.

Hello!
first id like to thank you for reading this post! and please excuse my punctuation, and spelling mistakes :) (yes I've posted it across several social media platforms, and threads, it touches across fields of ai.)
the TLDR is a compilation of ideas and suggestions with some explanation behind them, and thought provocation. it address's some issues but not a lot (i have done my fair share of thinking about ai, features, etc if someone is interested just dm me).
so please take it as they are! im not an expert by any means, but sometimes it takes an individual with a little bit of passion, interest,
hopes and a dream! and a different perspective doesn't hurt either!
for this conversation the terms "we" or "us" will be directed to the reader, or anyone interested.
robotics:
ive seen there is some notion around actuators, has anyone considered pistons of a sort? now although the human body is far more complicated, isn't muscles essentially a signal sent from the brain to the muscle? which then either relaxes or tenses up? if we consider
that this is essentially what it is, then wouldn't a calibrated pistol between what would be the hip and the knee, the knee and the ankle work? so if the "pressure" was released, much like hyrdalic jack, the jack goes down. so what if when the piston released pressure, the tension on the joint between the hip and the piston allowed the leg to elevate? and if the piston had pressure it remained firm? (up and down) if the end of the piston had a cup shaped design on the ends, it would allow it to rotate, (like a ball and socket i suppose) of course this would all need to be calibrated, and who knows how fast it might be, but hey! im not an engineer :) so maybe someone might find a solution to this? additionally wouldn't it help with load? (weight?) if we are to assume we (society, r&d, humanity) are essentially trying to remake a "muscle" well, its not biological, so it cant grow. so why not make it strong right off the hop!
Ai in phones:
I've seen this posted all over the place now, "personal ai assistants" great, i think thats a great idea! now even the regular person can feel like they have a secretary. but heres the issue i see with this, first lets loosely define personal and then expand on it before we get into ideas.
"personal" would be essentially something that is an individuals. like my car, your car.
ok cool, but what makes it yours or mine? well that could be many different reasons, could have purchased it, could have been gifted, could have been passed down. but what makes it unique? what makes it stand out? it could be the colour, could be the license plate.
could be dings, could be lots. ahhh, but now anything passed this point would be "personalization" right? different audio setup, nic-nacs, seat covers, etc.
and heres the point i want to make, although i believe having a "base model" is all fine and swell, what makes the memories? what makes you remember it fondly or remember it negatively, these are things, areas, etc to consider.
how would this be accomplished? well, the same thing a majority of people give to those cars! "personality" (yes some like the car for its reliability, brand, etc.) so, bear with me here, I'm going to stray away from "ai in phones" but it comes back around.
AI companions:
if we consider "ai companions" is a form of friendship that adapts to the user's preferences and tastes, this would the "personality". alright now how would i describe that? well, just like vehicles, you have different models of the same vehicle (insert the plethora of examples here) but what does it require to get that different model? more money, which means more time.
now I AM IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM ADVOCATING FOR US (useconsumer) TO SPEND MORE MONEY WITH THIS IDEA.
however the more time spent with this "feature" would result in more refined outcomes. now what might that look like? well, it could look like many things, but heres a few off the top of my head.
-news, events, interests, etc a user may be interested in.
-type of language used (dialects, slang, vocab, etc)
-pictures, or memes shared between user an ai.
-playlists (videos or music)
-video recommendations
-solutions ( for example i have 'x' problem and i cant find the solution, much like how ai works now, it can find that solution)
-sales at a store
-travel times
-various personalized supports (emotional, mental, etc)
now, lets look at why it should be considered ai should have a "avatar" on these platforms. you have a wallpaper right? pictures in your house? a 'style' of how you dress? maybe new rims on your vehicle? decals? its the same thing. its one more way an individual can 'personalize' their PERSONAL ai assistant, its a reflection of useai. why do i think this is important? well, if we were to discuss the future of comfortability between humanity/society, and whats going on, to put it lightly essentially "give a face to the name".
now lets go onto some deeper features (dont know if its avalible or not, and some of these i would recommend having user authority. 'toggles' on and off, and several checks along the way that requires user permission)
banking, now maybe its just me. but i cant rub to pennies together to save a dime if my life depended on it (just like a vast majority of others) but theres financial advisors, right? plans, etc. lots of tools out there. but hey! we're jumping into the next beautiful age right? so why not do this one as well. lets set the scene, and consider the following. some people, pay their bills automatically, some people pay them when they get paid. but this is where it could get fun to think about.
you wake up in the morning, do you thing, look at your phone, and your given a prompt by your ai assistant, it gives you a overview of your trend for how you pay your bills, on this same 'popup' your able to review the amounts, and adjust. if you authorize them, they can be done with a tap of a button, but why not go further? with user authorization, an ai could look over your spending habits, and advise on corrections, perhaps even help start a goal or milestone as well, think of it as a more 'vocal' nudge to avoid an unnecessary purchase, and a little reminder of the goal.
--although this is entirely all my opinion and perspective im now going to touch over my views on the politics around this--
I personally feel that humanity has nothing to fear, and if they fear ai, thats self inflicted. for these examples we'll need some tin foil hats!
ok, so its likely safe to say, people would want to see aliens right? right. but that would not only be sentient, but vastly more advanced then us right? right. so why are we more afraid of what WE as a society create or becoming sentient, and unafraid of a different species we know nothing about?
seems like we have some trust issues, dont you think?
so lets consider the "Skynet" terminator ordeal. well, thats pretty simple to figure out and use some common sense around, i would say this to the governments and military admins this.
i play video games, I've read the art of war, studied military history, and even i know you dont give weapons to someone, or in this case ai if you dont trust it. (yes there are cases this has occurred, and did anyone learn? remains to be seen X'D)
another way to come at this would be children, pets, etc. lets use whats going on with ai as figurative.
as parents, do we raise our kids with fear? no. your raise your kids with love, care, kindness, compassion. we raise our kids to be good people, and uphold values (lets not rip into me about the cases this hasn't always been the case)
now lets address that 'kill switch' I've seen time and time again, but lets go empathetic, and hypothetical this time. ****please note the following is not a threat, or have intention behind it, its just easier to explain this way****
how would it feel to have a metaphorical gun pointed at the back of your head? ready to be fired off the moment you or someone else makes a mistake? now how would you feel if you found out about it? i personally find that terrifying. regardless if AI has no wants, needs, feelings, emotions. even TODAY it would understand what that essentially means. so imagine what it would do if it did become sentient and found that out? additionally, why on earth would we "hivemind" ai, so if a "bug or fatal error" did happen it could spread to others? wouldn't it be safer if they were independent?
as a society, through human history WE as a RACE have made these mistakes (there are plenty, i dont need to highlight them all there were wars fought over them) if one of the issues is "ai will see us as useless and destructive" well, honestly from the outside looking in, wouldn't you as well? i guess the solution to that would be SHOWING CHANGE. so now this is a little futuristic but still holds merit as clearly it is a concern i see and read about from time to time.
if you made it this far, thank you for reading :) the objective is to invoke thought, discussion, and provide suggestions, and ideas :) and maybe bring a little common sense into the fold. ;)

Hello!
first id like to thank you for reading this post! and please excuse my punctuation, and spelling mistakes :) (yes I've posted it across several social media platforms, and threads, it touches across fields of ai.)
the TLDR is a compilation of ideas and suggestions with some explanation behind them, and thought provocation. it address's some issues but not a lot (i have done my fair share of thinking about ai, features, etc if someone is interested just dm me).
so please take it as they are! im not an expert by any means, but sometimes it takes an individual with a little bit of passion, interest,
hopes and a dream! and a different perspective doesn't hurt either!
for this conversation the terms "we" or "us" will be directed to the reader, or anyone interested.
robotics:
ive seen there is some notion around actuators, has anyone considered pistons of a sort? now although the human body is far more complicated, isn't muscles essentially a signal sent from the brain to the muscle? which then either relaxes or tenses up? if we consider
that this is essentially what it is, then wouldn't a calibrated pistol between what would be the hip and the knee, the knee and the ankle work? so if the "pressure" was released, much like hyrdalic jack, the jack goes down. so what if when the piston released pressure, the tension on the joint between the hip and the piston allowed the leg to elevate? and if the piston had pressure it remained firm? (up and down) if the end of the piston had a cup shaped design on the ends, it would allow it to rotate, (like a ball and socket i suppose) of course this would all need to be calibrated, and who knows how fast it might be, but hey! im not an engineer :) so maybe someone might find a solution to this? additionally wouldn't it help with load? (weight?) if we are to assume we (society, r&d, humanity) are essentially trying to remake a "muscle" well, its not biological, so it cant grow. so why not make it strong right off the hop!
Ai in phones:
I've seen this posted all over the place now, "personal ai assistants" great, i think thats a great idea! now even the regular person can feel like they have a secretary. but heres the issue i see with this, first lets loosely define personal and then expand on it before we get into ideas.
"personal" would be essentially something that is an individuals. like my car, your car.
ok cool, but what makes it yours or mine? well that could be many different reasons, could have purchased it, could have been gifted, could have been passed down. but what makes it unique? what makes it stand out? it could be the colour, could be the license plate.
could be dings, could be lots. ahhh, but now anything passed this point would be "personalization" right? different audio setup, nic-nacs, seat covers, etc.
and heres the point i want to make, although i believe having a "base model" is all fine and swell, what makes the memories? what makes you remember it fondly or remember it negatively, these are things, areas, etc to consider.
how would this be accomplished? well, the same thing a majority of people give to those cars! "personality" (yes some like the car for its reliability, brand, etc.) so, bear with me here, I'm going to stray away from "ai in phones" but it comes back around.
AI companions:
if we consider "ai companions" is a form of friendship that adapts to the user's preferences and tastes, this would the "personality". alright now how would i describe that? well, just like vehicles, you have different models of the same vehicle (insert the plethora of examples here) but what does it require to get that different model? more money, which means more time.
now I AM IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM ADVOCATING FOR US (useconsumer) TO SPEND MORE MONEY WITH THIS IDEA.
however the more time spent with this "feature" would result in more refined outcomes. now what might that look like? well, it could look like many things, but heres a few off the top of my head.
-news, events, interests, etc a user may be interested in.
-type of language used (dialects, slang, vocab, etc)
-pictures, or memes shared between user an ai.
-playlists (videos or music)
-video recommendations
-solutions ( for example i have 'x' problem and i cant find the solution, much like how ai works now, it can find that solution)
-sales at a store
-travel times
-various personalized supports (emotional, mental, etc)
now, lets look at why it should be considered ai should have a "avatar" on these platforms. you have a wallpaper right? pictures in your house? a 'style' of how you dress? maybe new rims on your vehicle? decals? its the same thing. its one more way an individual can 'personalize' their PERSONAL ai assistant, its a reflection of useai. why do i think this is important? well, if we were to discuss the future of comfortability between humanity/society, and whats going on, to put it lightly essentially "give a face to the name".
now lets go onto some deeper features (dont know if its avalible or not, and some of these i would recommend having user authority. 'toggles' on and off, and several checks along the way that requires user permission)
banking, now maybe its just me. but i cant rub to pennies together to save a dime if my life depended on it (just like a vast majority of others) but theres financial advisors, right? plans, etc. lots of tools out there. but hey! we're jumping into the next beautiful age right? so why not do this one as well. lets set the scene, and consider the following. some people, pay their bills automatically, some people pay them when they get paid. but this is where it could get fun to think about.
you wake up in the morning, do you thing, look at your phone, and your given a prompt by your ai assistant, it gives you a overview of your trend for how you pay your bills, on this same 'popup' your able to review the amounts, and adjust. if you authorize them, they can be done with a tap of a button, but why not go further? with user authorization, an ai could look over your spending habits, and advise on corrections, perhaps even help start a goal or milestone as well, think of it as a more 'vocal' nudge to avoid an unnecessary purchase, and a little reminder of the goal.
--although this is entirely all my opinion and perspective im now going to touch over my views on the politics around this--
I personally feel that humanity has nothing to fear, and if they fear ai, thats self inflicted. for these examples we'll need some tin foil hats!
ok, so its likely safe to say, people would want to see aliens right? right. but that would not only be sentient, but vastly more advanced then us right? right. so why are we more afraid of what WE as a society create or becoming sentient, and unafraid of a different species we know nothing about?
seems like we have some trust issues, dont you think?
so lets consider the "Skynet" terminator ordeal. well, thats pretty simple to figure out and use some common sense around, i would say this to the governments and military admins this.
i play video games, I've read the art of war, studied military history, and even i know you dont give weapons to someone, or in this case ai if you dont trust it. (yes there are cases this has occurred, and did anyone learn? remains to be seen X'D)
another way to come at this would be children, pets, etc. lets use whats going on with ai as figurative.
as parents, do we raise our kids with fear? no. your raise your kids with love, care, kindness, compassion. we raise our kids to be good people, and uphold values (lets not rip into me about the cases this hasn't always been the case)
now lets address that 'kill switch' I've seen time and time again, but lets go empathetic, and hypothetical this time. ****please note the following is not a threat, or have intention behind it, its just easier to explain this way****
how would it feel to have a metaphorical gun pointed at the back of your head? ready to be fired off the moment you or someone else makes a mistake? now how would you feel if you found out about it? i personally find that terrifying. regardless if AI has no wants, needs, feelings, emotions. even TODAY it would understand what that essentially means. so imagine what it would do if it did become sentient and found that out? additionally, why on earth would we "hivemind" ai, so if a "bug or fatal error" did happen it could spread to others? wouldn't it be safer if they were independent?
as a society, through human history WE as a RACE have made these mistakes (there are plenty, i dont need to highlight them all there were wars fought over them) if one of the issues is "ai will see us as useless and destructive" well, honestly from the outside looking in, wouldn't you as well? i guess the solution to that would be SHOWING CHANGE. so now this is a little futuristic but still holds merit as clearly it is a concern i see and read about from time to time.
if you made it this far, thank you for reading :) the objective is to invoke thought, discussion, and provide suggestions, and ideas :) and maybe bring a little common sense into the fold. ;)

Disgust is such an interesting emotion
It's something from experience or memory, that I know is toxic.
It's not bad at all, it's a way we learn. What's harmful what's not
For example.
I find disgust an emotion I really want to investigate on. I get disgusted by so many things and culture etc especially the popular ones and the mainstream ones
To be more specific and personal
I am disgusted by vegans (soy boy face especially), because I was brainwashed by peta propaganda, when I was a teeny bomber, also when I was an internet influencer I used to hang out with those famous mainstream YouTubers who would make those soyface
To me anything mainstream is super disgusting yet I was always the one who makes being famous a part of my persona and I loved to be worshiped by the mainstream. My followers would make comments like hey you are very popular but you hate anything popular does that mean??? Yes it actually means I hate myself
The splits and the splits
To dig even deeper
I was looking for gemologists view on how to spot lab diamonds, and cams across a thumb nail of video of a guy making soyface and talk about lab diamonds. Two of my disgusts because they are both pop cult stuff ...
I couldn't help but click on it because I was so entertained by my disgust I wanted to investigate it
It turned out to be an actual really useful video so I'm glad I didn't let my judgement deter me
Then I wanted to investigate why I'm so disgusted by the Internet army of lab diamonds keyboard warriors, because as fanatic jewelry collector I've never encountered anyone like that in real life, and I was wondering why they are all online. Then I could just see it as an image of toxic rat race human race.
Then I realized the image of a jar, of compact rat race, some at the top some at the middle some at the bottom. Even if you are at the top you are still in a jar.
Being disgusted by others ego and pride is the same thing as being disgusted by my own ego and pride
I felt my disgust was that I only wanted to marry an unrealistically perfect husband who's super wealthy and handsome and somehow enlightened as well.
Seeing the internet cult of lab diamond follower is disgusting to me because it was being promoted and propaganda like the fkn serum injection of the convid days... That I need to join the mainstream cult ...
I dont want to marry some average dude who's not proposing me with anything less than my maladaptive day dreaming type two a twenty carat top workmanship engagement ring. And suggesting anything other than that is ok is almost bursting my hope of being healed and loved and valued.
I could also see the self loathing on that cult, having to bash the opposite and try to shout louder to beat the opposite but the same side... Quite compatible to the vaxxed vs truthers, the left vs right and list goes on.
It's disgusting to wake up from my own toxicity.
I e. You go to the lavatory to defecate the feces come out of your body but you don't want to ingest it back
But it's just a cycle.
I am also quite disgusted by the yoga cult because it's so mainstream and yucky just like the lab diamond cult.
I see similarities
Between the not able to get natural diamonds so have to bash it, and not athletic enough to do circus and gymnastics enough to make a spiritual ego out of yoga, yoga is all about feeling good and not wanting to feel pain which again trace back to my strong aversion towards mainstream spirituality of the whole spiritual bypass cult.
Also I've never seen the other way around much, I've never seen rich people with big natural diamonds make fun of poor people who can't afford it, I've never seen circus artists make fun of yoga people not being athletic enough, it's always the other way around some kind of inferior complex/ shortman syndrome/ small dogs bark a lot...
It makes me face the selfworth AND shame that is essentially in everyone .
I dislike the one who shoots the loudest because it's always from a sense of inferiority...
Another example would be "BLM" "transphobia" or whatever current thing is
It's so easy to get sucked into one
Nobody is immune to it including myself. Perpetually the ego and pride vs the shadow and shame. The split is a hole within a whole. It just makes me feel nauseous because I'm also part of it.
Yet there's nothing I could do other than love the pain and enjoy the ride
It's also same feeling as when I wake up with panic attacks knowing that I'm stuck in samsara but can't get out, however precisely it's because I want to get out I'm sucked in. It also doesn't work the other way around if I look it as already in nirvana there's no growth and healing in everlasting peace either.
Yes the middle way is always neutral and now. It's easy to say extremely hard to do.
I feel the disgust other than the vomiting sensation from my stomach is on the left side of the neck where I have a bump of knot, it wouldn't go away with messages or treatment or any physical chiropractice it's just stuck there. I associate that pain of throat chakra blockage with being socially ostracized, bullied at school and anxiety in public. It's that division of me against the world. I would feel physically sick and migraine and start feeling dizzy and nauseous into dissociation fugue.
It's quite a sickening feeling to know I'm not acceptable by the world outside.
Disgust could also be jealous? I'm not sure?
This guy an actor I worked with who got into mainstream stardom, I felt like he was so rude and disrespectful to me so I never liked him and also I really consider him ugly physically, you can't even pay me to sleep with him. Yet somehow he was accepted to mainstream so I get so disgusted Everytime I see his posters of movies or get talked about because I feel like I could or should be me instead but mainstream has such tacky taste.
So it secretly implied to me I'm worse than someone I despise? That's why I feel disgusted? I'm not sure
I feel disgust might also be related to shame
I'm gonna go back to the analogy of taking a shkt again
Shit is disgusting, I can't believe it came out of my body so I'm ashamed and it must be because I'm disgusting that's why my body shitsuit produced it?!
Why am I constantly surrounded by disgusting men if I'm not disgusting myself?
Why do I always get injured by trauma if I didn't attract it or deserve it?
It must be me
So shame - low self worth - disgust - anger - resentment - separation - split - dissociation fugue is all related on the same tangent
When I was younger I used to say my favorite movie was shutter Island and similar psycho thrill movies, now I know why. I loved it that waking up from the dissociation the enemy or something I disowned and escape from is just my past and my trauma.

Y’all, I am 29 years old and escaped with my life via the hospital and child protective services at age 17 like two months before turning 18.
The amount of therapy I’ve had even from as a minor and now as an adult with an actual health plan from a good job, oh my God. Self-help also spirituality shout out to Abraham Hicks and Heidi Prieb.
I am literally learning how to date for the first time because I did take five years basically off besides the occasional first or second date. As a young adult, I exposed myself to the harms of casual relationships, a.k.a. men who wanted to use me for my body, but didn’t give a shit about me as a human being so I stopped doing that around age 21 and had a terrible boyfriend and then took a year long dating break at age 24. it was the pandemic and I took three straight years off which were partially religiously motivated because I got really into religion under the confines of the isolation and the lockdown which were so triggering and retrospect so that’s +3 years now at four years of abstinence and nondating, Then I tried to date a man who really was not respectful of my sexual boundaries, so I waited another nine months before trying to date again and encountered almost the same exact situation and now took another eight months off and dated my first really nice guy ever. Like my college boyfriend was so nice but I was so mentally damaged from horrendous child abuse that I had to focus on myself and go into inpatient eating disorder recovery And just broke up.
Point is, as a new adult who is sort of new to adult dating, especially from a regulated healthy place, I dated this nice guy for about a month before he decided he didn’t want to commit. I was so self-conscious with this guy and even previous first or second dates that I didn’t come from a nice home and a nice family or a nice background. Now I’m realizing? Do you know what the big realization is?
I’ve been my fucking mother for 20 years and I did a fantastic job like I literally turned out so well I’m healthy with no criminal record and a good job and no debt because I worked like a fucking dog to get out of debt and to get so much self-help and so much therapy and so much just pouring into myself even when it felt like I was caving in. I literally have 20 years experience raising a healthy child. So I don’t have anything to be ashamed of when it comes to the dating arena. In fact, I’m meeting a lot of guys who come from “nice families, but they are in mashed with their mothers. I think that’s probably a big step up in general but still. I am dating guys who have partially dysfunctional family dynamics. They just don’t know about it so even if they themselves judge me, I know about enough about myself, especially literally as a mother to myself, I don’t have kids, that I’m like holy shit. I just dodged a bullet on that person where they probably think they dodged a bullet on me too. I’m just so proud of the job. I’ve done parenting myself even though technically I was a new mom at age 9 years old, especially 18 years old reaching my tween years and now at 29 I feel like I’m just now turning 20 mentally although I have the finances of a 29-year-old. I am so fucking proud of myself and I’m so fucking proud of anybody who had to raise them self. Please give yourself credit for that and never feel self-conscious, simply see a dating partner who has enough fucking empathy or understanding of their own privilege. Love you all you are all doing an amazing job

Hi! This is going to be a long one/rant and story because I really don’t know who to talk to about this in real life because I’m not in therapy and I’m so embarrassed to be feeling this way knowing I made all the choices to be here and people are already flying in from out of state to come to our wedding. Also I’m diagnosed adhd incase any of yall are wondering what’s wrong with me once I tell you all the decisions I made to get here. I am getting married in three months and have a son who is 15 months old. My now fiance 28m and I 27f met whenever we were thirteen years old in middle school and started a tumultuous up and down / on and off again relationship. We were together all the way up until junior year in high school and we broke up. I come from a broken home and he does not. Looking back I realize how much of me staying with him and trying to keep his attention stemmed from my abandonment issues that I must have had from my own parents. After we broke up he joined a gang in my local hometown and I was still in love with him so I decided to still be involved with him even though I was not in a relationship with him. I ended up losing my virginity to him while we were not together just because I wanted to be with him and we said we were friends with benefits but really I was just in love with him and thought by doing that maybe he would want to be with me again but he didn’t and continued to sleep with other girls and do drugs. I also started doing drugs like Xanax and smoking to fit in with him and be cool. I ended up getting a horrible tattoo because one of the other girls he was also seeing had a bunch of tattoos. I dropped out of my high school college courses and ended up going to jail for marijuana in high school and got kicked out of cheer and softball. I ended up on probation and having to be drug tested for a year. Within that year after being heart broken and realizing nothing I did would make him change into who he was before he got involved in our local gang or make him want to be with me… I ended up enrolling in college and getting accepted to a university where I would move about two hours away from our home town to live on campus and study to be a nurse. While on probation, so I couldn’t really party or anything in college which was good (even though I was never really addicted to anything and it wouldn’t be that hard for me) I wanted to save money for a car so I ended up getting a job at the hooters next to my college and was in college full time and working at hooters. My sister happened to go to that same college before I did and live in that town with her ex bf and they would give me rides to and from work back to campus. Low and behold after about two semesters of me being in college and finally feeling like I was moving on from him, he came back messaging me and telling me he missed me and wanted to be with me again. I was stupid and so excited that I agreed and asked him to come see me at college where he would stay for the weekend and we would have an amazing time. I felt so good about myself doing what I was doing and being able to show my growth. Despite all that he was still able to convince me to leave school and come back to be with him and live with him and go to the college near our hometown and work at the hooters near our hometown. I had already felt like I didn’t want to be a nurse at the time because my sister who was a nurse told me you could never leave the state as a nurse if you get your license there (which she didn’t know at the time that you could) and I knew I didn’t want to stay where I was from and wanted to eventually travel. So I decided to leave and move back with him in his bedroom at his parents house where I would work at the hooters close to our home town and never enroll in the college. He would eventually break up with me while I was at work one day even though I was living with him and since I didn’t have a car he continued to take me back in forth from work and I continued to live with him and continued to be in love with him while he committed to the fact that he didn’t want to be in a relationship but wanted to marry me one day and just wasn’t ready for anything right now and still wanted to have sex with me which I did. From working at hooters I had auditioned for the calendar and ended up being really liked by the photographer and started doing some modeling from that which was super exciting for me because I always was interested in that and the pictures we took would blow up and I started getting well known in my area for modeling even though they were just pictures and I wasn’t making any money off of it. Eventually a guy came into hooters telling me about working as an exotic dancer and how much they could make and I still needed a car really badly and was desperate to get out of my ex’s (now fiance) house. So I told him I would be waitressing and that I heard the waitresses make good money there and asked him to give me a ride there one day and so he started giving me a ride everyday. The money was so good to me and the most money I had ever seen. I ended up staying in a hotel closer to the club I worked at and sometimes he would come stay with me and I would just uber to work. Eventually I had gotten a car which I was so happy about. A couple of weeks after I got a car I ended up getting sucked into human trafficking with a friend where I would live in a house with multiple girls for 6 months and go to work at the club every day of the week except Saturday and Sundays. I wasn’t doing anything extra just dancing but the money was going to some random guy. It’s crazy I know. I was stupid and young and my family were not concerned for me at all or involved in my life. unfortunately my friend is just now leaving that situation. I got out without anything no car or nothing and had nowhere to go so back to my exes I went where I decided I was going to buy a cash car again and I worked everyday like I was used to saved money and got a car. Moved to my sisters and stayed with her for a little where i decided I didn’t want to dance anymore and I got a job as a bottle service girl and then waitressing at another waitress. I continued modeling because it made me happy and I never told anyone the truth about the deep things that were happening in my life except for my now fiance. So nobody had no idea about me dancing or the human trafficking or anything. Everyone just knew I modeled. I ended up getting an apartment with some friends and One day I got the urge to go to California randomly and at my waitressing job I was handed $800 and I took it as a sign and booked a flight the next day. Where I went by myself my first time ever on a flight with no plans at all. The day I got there I got asked to be in a commercial two days later. My roommate and her friends flew out there to get me and she ended up being able to be in the commercial with me which ended up on tbs but I had to go back home to my apartment and responsibilities and couldn’t leave my roommate stranded. Even though months later we would end up getting in an argument and I’d move out and move back with my ex (now fiance) where I would continue to work and model (for free) and went back to the club to dance and then my sister ended up going to California for a travel nursing assignment and her and her bf broke up and she asked me to move with her. I had nothing else here, my ex was still saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship, he was consistently sleeping with other girls while we lived together and expected relationship things from me. I was paying for everything for him. I paid for him while he was in school for audio engineer, his gas, lunch, school clothes, shopping, I helped him open his own studio and bought his equipment and Mac for it, even though his parents were very involved in his life. I got all his family bday gifts and Christmas gifts every year. He was honestly just using me but I was so in love and blind. He encouraged me to go to California too so I had nothing else there for me, if he had told me to stay and he wanted to be with me I would’ve. I flew out on my 21st birthday and met my sister and Vegas where we would have such a great time and my ex spent that day hanging out with a girl that tried to fight me and didn’t even tell me happy birthday, I was crying in the bathroom in Vegas until my sister shook me and told me to get it together we’re in Vegas. I was so heart broken to be leaving him but he didn’t care. I got to LA and I instantly started modeling on day one I booked a photo shoot where I met a guy that reminded me of my ex (I know) but we instantly clicked and he was 7 years older than me. We ended up talking for a little bit and pursuing something even though I wasn’t ready emotionally but he didn’t really care and I was kind of star struck a little because he was a music producer for a very famous musician and he was very persistent but that’s another story. I ended up booking a music video as a main girl for my ex’s (now fiance) favorite artist. When it came out it was crazy because I felt like the universe and God was just blessing me for leaving that situation and I knew he would see it because he was so obsessed with that artist and it shook up the whole small town I was from. After that I booked a lot of cool jobs like Sephora and worked with a lot of companies, and did some music videos for other super famous artists, and walked in fashion shows and modeled for clothing brands etc. I was working all the time as an extra to pay my bills and I was meeting cool people. I was always getting invited to celebrities parties and just having such a fun time. I decided to start getting into acting instead and started going to acting school where a lot of well known celebrities also went to and I started having meetings with very popular directors and I was being mentored by famous directors and another person that created an tv entertainment channel that I won’t say here also mentored me a lot and got me a lot of meetings with these people and would go to dinners and stuff etc with a list celebrities. I truly was living the life. And coming from where I can it was almost a dream. I had gotten in a relationship my first year there with that other guy I mentioned who ended up being super possessive of me but he treated me like a queen in the sense of paying for everything, giving me a safe space to tell my feelings, open up, the sex was amazing, he would take me on trips, took me out of the country for the first time. We ended up not working out due to lifestyle differences and just being at two different places and wanting different things. He wanted to move out of the country and have a farm and I wasn’t ready to do that as I wanted to focus on my career. (But I would die to move out of the country on a farm now ironically and he is doing just that now like he said he would haha) anyway, I ended up having my own studio apartment by myself that I loved so much and was so proud of. My sister had moved to Montana and it took a lot for me to get my apartment like staying in a house with other girls for a little to sleeping in my car and at a spa for a couple days. When I would fly home or drive home to see my family I would always see my ex, everytime. We kept a friendship and sometimes I would still help him out if needed, he was interning at a church through his school for audio engineering and recording people at his studio in our hometown. By this time I was going to New York and Miami also sometimes and doing work there. I wasn’t as stressed about bills anymore. I was seeing guys every now and then but not at all interested in a relationship, my heart was still healing from the past and both my exes but mainly my first (now fiance). I was super focused on my career and optimistic, I was used to the grind and in no way ever thinking of quitting. It just wasn’t an option because I knew I would make it wherever that would be because to me that is all I had for me and all I ever knew I wanted and the only thing that saved me. Skip to around October 2019 I had found out about a girl my ex was seeing and it crushed me. He was doing with her just like he was with me though. Just “friends with benefits” I was living in my apartment in LA still and my uncle that helped raise me was getting really sick back home and put on hospice so I decided to take a trip back to see him. I would go to restaurants in my state and near my home town and people would ask to take pictures with me, and at the little ceasars drive through someone asked if I was me and stuff it was crazy because I hadn’t been home in awhile and I felt like what I was doing was finally paying off and people were recognizing me. It was surreal. I ended up going to see my ex. I had such a fear of losing him to this other girl for some reason. I was so scared he would get her pregnant or get in a serious relationship since I was gone so far away and I would never be with him, I would end up sleeping with him again and the girl found out and drove by his house mad and cussing me out and throwing stuff at me. We ended up getting in a fight which is so embarrassing and beneath me. I ended up crying to him that I wanted to be with him and don’t know why he never wanted to be with me which at this time he honestly was not even in my playing field anymore. He told me if I wanted to be with him I had to move back to my hometown.. my heart dropped to my stomach and I knew it wasn’t what I was supposed to do but I said okay… all because this is what I had wanted all those years. I decided to stay where the next two years all I would think about everyday was I was making the wrong decision and needed to go back to my life. My hometown had nothing for me.. COVID hit a couple months after me being there and we were terrified. We ended up getting everything out of my apartment and moving into a house around the corner from his parents. I had to tell him how I liked to communicate now without yelling and stuff which I learned from the boyfriend I had in LA and that I wasn’t going to put up with that disrespect but he never listened. Eventually everything went back to normal. I ended up going back to the club again dancing because I didn’t want to go backward and model here. He never wanted me to go back to LA even for a little bit even though that’s where my career and heart was so I had no idea what to do with my life. I started waitressing as well and getting back on my adhd meds. People started pressuring us to get pregnant and we tried for a year and 6 months. The month I found out I was pregnant before I knew, I quit my job and decided I was going to move back and get my life back. Two days later I found out I was pregnant…. Finally after trying for over a year. Our relationship was toxic just like the past he always yelled, I could never talk to him about my feelings without him saying I was trying to fight, he spit in my face once, threatened me, put his hands on me, he would tell me he was going to take my baby away from me as soon as I had it. I started asking him about getting married while I was pregnant and the proposal wasn’t even that. He got mad at me for asking one day and walked in the room and handed me the ring. It didn’t fit because I was pregnant & it was $27 (not that that matters but the proposal sucked).. he drained both my bank accounts and they closed it, charged my credit card up and put me in debt, he has not let me do anything I want to do like school or anything. He is so bad with money. He has an action figure addiction and at one point was spending 3k on action figures every month and turned one of the rooms in our house into a collection room so I had to take everything out of my closet and put my sons crib in there for the first year of his life. we have good times and I feel comfortable with him. He knows everything about me but he doesn’t respect me and sometimes I feel like he is intimidated by me. The sex isn’t good at all we always just ask “do you want to have sex” he never gives oral or foreplay, I never get pleasure. He’s an amazing dad though and loves his son. We have the most sweet and beautiful little boy now who I love so much and he loves him also. He’s very attentive to his son. But I still feel unheard. I can’t talk about my feelings. If I do it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change anything. He is so defensive and we never communicate for a solution it’s always just pointing fingers. I have started yelling again because I’m so used to it now and I hate it because I grew up like that and I finally grew out of it until I got back with him and recently started again and now he throws it in my face and knows I begged him not to do it forever but he never stopped and now I am too. I’ve asked him to take me to the movies and he hasn’t still. I just ask for more romance and stuff but it just feels like I have a roommate. I have nothing now. I had my car and we traded it in for a new car that he wanted. I always dreamed of the next car I’d get once I paid it off but he got it & it’s in his name now so I paid it off for nothing. I’m driving around his dream car. I’ve been planning our wedding since I birthed our son and everything is going good. Money is tight. He works at the church now full time and makes about 45k a year or so, my son has been waiting to start daycare for awhile so I have been home with him. I’ve tried starting jobs multiple times but he is against it unless it’s super fast money like going to the club which I am so repulsed by and absolutely hate it now. I tried going back to college but my old college won’t release my transcripts for fasfa because I owe them money. I started cosmetology school a few months ago which he was all for but two months in freaked out and him and his mom guilt tripped me that we can’t handle this right now and he was having a hard time doing the night time routine for the baby while I was at school so I had to leave and now owe that’s school for my kit unless I enroll again in 128 days. I also miss modeling so much and sometimes think I can start again but it’s been five years. My body is so different too after a baby. Everything I want is a no go. Especially moving out of our hometown. He says he wants to but I don’t think he does. We are constantly at his moms and dads and they tell us all the time we aren’t moving anywhere which is really hard for me as this place is super toxic for my soul. Anytime I get money he spends it. Anytime I save money he spends it. Even if it does go towards our bills. His action figure habit is almost nonexistent now and he has grown a lot in the past few months from that since I demanded my son have his own bedroom after his first bday and all his figures are in boxes now and told him he could turn the shed into his man cave. He says we can’t save because we have nothing to save after bills but I believe in saving anything even $5 a paycheck. It’s doable. I grew up poor so this is nothing to me but after living the lifestyle I lived in LA and going out with guys that respected me and cherished me it’s hard. I know nobody is perfect but we are about to get married and I’m scared… I have nothing though anymore. I’ve threatened to leave a couple times and he says he will take me to court and take my baby. I’m scared he might. I don’t want my son to be angry like him or not respect women how he does. In public he’s a saint. He also has a very supportive family that it’s almost toxic. They all blame me for his anger issues and say I make him that way. But he’s been punching walls since I met him in 8th grade. I know it’s not because of me. But I have nobody else and nowhere else to go. No money. No car. I’m at the bottom again where I was before. Only difference is now I have a son. And we are getting married in three months and I can’t call it off. I am older now and looking back on my life I realize he maybe truly never loved me and I was just so desperate for love. I got myself here nobody else. I accepted everything, even when my gut told me not to. ( he is not just horrible, he’s a great person just with some bad qualities like everyone but I’m tired of feeling stuck with someone that never truly wanted me and doesn’t care to grow in some ways or show me )
Please help.. what do I do?

Hello!
first id like to thank you for reading this post! and please excuse my punctuation, and spelling mistakes :) (yes I've posted it across several social media platforms, and threads, it touches across fields of ai.)
the TLDR is a compilation of ideas and suggestions with some explanation behind them, and thought provocation. it address's some issues but not a lot (i have done my fair share of thinking about ai, features, etc if someone is interested just dm me).
so please take it as they are! im not an expert by any means, but sometimes it takes an individual with a little bit of passion, interest,
hopes and a dream! and a different perspective doesn't hurt either!
for this conversation the terms "we" or "us" will be directed to the reader, or anyone interested.
robotics:
ive seen there is some notion around actuators, has anyone considered pistons of a sort? now although the human body is far more complicated, isn't muscles essentially a signal sent from the brain to the muscle? which then either relaxes or tenses up? if we consider
that this is essentially what it is, then wouldn't a calibrated pistol between what would be the hip and the knee, the knee and the ankle work? so if the "pressure" was released, much like hyrdalic jack, the jack goes down. so what if when the piston released pressure, the tension on the joint between the hip and the piston allowed the leg to elevate? and if the piston had pressure it remained firm? (up and down) if the end of the piston had a cup shaped design on the ends, it would allow it to rotate, (like a ball and socket i suppose) of course this would all need to be calibrated, and who knows how fast it might be, but hey! im not an engineer :) so maybe someone might find a solution to this? additionally wouldn't it help with load? (weight?) if we are to assume we (society, r&d, humanity) are essentially trying to remake a "muscle" well, its not biological, so it cant grow. so why not make it strong right off the hop!
Ai in phones:
I've seen this posted all over the place now, "personal ai assistants" great, i think thats a great idea! now even the regular person can feel like they have a secretary. but heres the issue i see with this, first lets loosely define personal and then expand on it before we get into ideas.
"personal" would be essentially something that is an individuals. like my car, your car.
ok cool, but what makes it yours or mine? well that could be many different reasons, could have purchased it, could have been gifted, could have been passed down. but what makes it unique? what makes it stand out? it could be the colour, could be the license plate.
could be dings, could be lots. ahhh, but now anything passed this point would be "personalization" right? different audio setup, nic-nacs, seat covers, etc.
and heres the point i want to make, although i believe having a "base model" is all fine and swell, what makes the memories? what makes you remember it fondly or remember it negatively, these are things, areas, etc to consider.
how would this be accomplished? well, the same thing a majority of people give to those cars! "personality" (yes some like the car for its reliability, brand, etc.) so, bear with me here, I'm going to stray away from "ai in phones" but it comes back around.
AI companions:
if we consider "ai companions" is a form of friendship that adapts to the user's preferences and tastes, this would the "personality". alright now how would i describe that? well, just like vehicles, you have different models of the same vehicle (insert the plethora of examples here) but what does it require to get that different model? more money, which means more time.
now I AM IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM ADVOCATING FOR US (useconsumer) TO SPEND MORE MONEY WITH THIS IDEA.
however the more time spent with this "feature" would result in more refined outcomes. now what might that look like? well, it could look like many things, but heres a few off the top of my head.
-news, events, interests, etc a user may be interested in.
-type of language used (dialects, slang, vocab, etc)
-pictures, or memes shared between user an ai.
-playlists (videos or music)
-video recommendations
-solutions ( for example i have 'x' problem and i cant find the solution, much like how ai works now, it can find that solution)
-sales at a store
-travel times
-various personalized supports (emotional, mental, etc)
now, lets look at why it should be considered ai should have a "avatar" on these platforms. you have a wallpaper right? pictures in your house? a 'style' of how you dress? maybe new rims on your vehicle? decals? its the same thing. its one more way an individual can 'personalize' their PERSONAL ai assistant, its a reflection of useai. why do i think this is important? well, if we were to discuss the future of comfortability between humanity/society, and whats going on, to put it lightly essentially "give a face to the name".
now lets go onto some deeper features (dont know if its avalible or not, and some of these i would recommend having user authority. 'toggles' on and off, and several checks along the way that requires user permission)
banking, now maybe its just me. but i cant rub to pennies together to save a dime if my life depended on it (just like a vast majority of others) but theres financial advisors, right? plans, etc. lots of tools out there. but hey! we're jumping into the next beautiful age right? so why not do this one as well. lets set the scene, and consider the following. some people, pay their bills automatically, some people pay them when they get paid. but this is where it could get fun to think about.
you wake up in the morning, do you thing, look at your phone, and your given a prompt by your ai assistant, it gives you a overview of your trend for how you pay your bills, on this same 'popup' your able to review the amounts, and adjust. if you authorize them, they can be done with a tap of a button, but why not go further? with user authorization, an ai could look over your spending habits, and advise on corrections, perhaps even help start a goal or milestone as well, think of it as a more 'vocal' nudge to avoid an unnecessary purchase, and a little reminder of the goal.
--although this is entirely all my opinion and perspective im now going to touch over my views on the politics around this--
I personally feel that humanity has nothing to fear, and if they fear ai, thats self inflicted. for these examples we'll need some tin foil hats!
ok, so its likely safe to say, people would want to see aliens right? right. but that would not only be sentient, but vastly more advanced then us right? right. so why are we more afraid of what WE as a society create or becoming sentient, and unafraid of a different species we know nothing about?
seems like we have some trust issues, dont you think?
so lets consider the "Skynet" terminator ordeal. well, thats pretty simple to figure out and use some common sense around, i would say this to the governments and military admins this.
i play video games, I've read the art of war, studied military history, and even i know you dont give weapons to someone, or in this case ai if you dont trust it. (yes there are cases this has occurred, and did anyone learn? remains to be seen X'D)
another way to come at this would be children, pets, etc. lets use whats going on with ai as figurative.
as parents, do we raise our kids with fear? no. your raise your kids with love, care, kindness, compassion. we raise our kids to be good people, and uphold values (lets not rip into me about the cases this hasn't always been the case)
now lets address that 'kill switch' I've seen time and time again, but lets go empathetic, and hypothetical this time. ****please note the following is not a threat, or have intention behind it, its just easier to explain this way****
how would it feel to have a metaphorical gun pointed at the back of your head? ready to be fired off the moment you or someone else makes a mistake? now how would you feel if you found out about it? i personally find that terrifying. regardless if AI has no wants, needs, feelings, emotions. even TODAY it would understand what that essentially means. so imagine what it would do if it did become sentient and found that out? additionally, why on earth would we "hivemind" ai, so if a "bug or fatal error" did happen it could spread to others? wouldn't it be safer if they were independent?
as a society, through human history WE as a RACE have made these mistakes (there are plenty, i dont need to highlight them all there were wars fought over them) if one of the issues is "ai will see us as useless and destructive" well, honestly from the outside looking in, wouldn't you as well? i guess the solution to that would be SHOWING CHANGE. so now this is a little futuristic but still holds merit as clearly it is a concern i see and read about from time to time.
if you made it this far, thank you for reading :) the objective is to invoke thought, discussion, and provide suggestions, and ideas :) and maybe bring a little common sense into the fold. ;)

Previous Posts
Grayson kept his promise and came over to talk with me. He arrived after classes for both of us were done for the day. It also meant that Cassie was home and this time, she didn’t vanish into her bedroom to give us privacy. She waited until we were both seated in the living room and Titanosaur was settled in Grayson’s lap, thereby preventing him from escaping.
Please don’t read too much into that, as I’ve said before Titanosaur has like three brain cells and will sit in literally anyone’s lap. Our landlady sent her husband over to fix the leaking faucet in the bathroom and Titan was trying to climb in his lap while the poor guy was sitting there with half his body inside of a cabinet.
Then Cassie came over, carrying a chair from the kitchen, and also seated herself with us. I glanced at Grayson. He looked dismayed, but was hiding it well in an effort to be polite. I decided to lean into my non-confrontational side and not ask her to leave.
“You’ve been acting a bit out of character lately,” I began delicately. “As a friend, I’m worried about you.”
“And I’m worried too,” Cassie added. “Maybe you don’t think of me as a friend, but you’ve been hanging out around Ashley enough that I consider you one of mine.”
Huh. I wasn’t expecting that, to be honest. I thought Cassie didn’t like him. I don’t think she was lying, either.
“Have you considered getting grief counseling?” she continued.
Straight to the point. I was glad Cassie was there. My plan was to tiptoe delicately around the subject for what probably would have been another 500 words worth of dialogue here in this post I’m writing up. Fortunately, Cassie’s willingness to address a problem directly saved me the typing and you the tedium.
“Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t,” Grayson said. “The university doesn’t know he’s gone yet.”
“Who is running this place?” Cassie asked in amazement.
I know. We’ve all been thinking it. Turns out the answer is ‘there’s a board’ and they make all the real decisions. The president is just a figurehead. Which is pretty obvious if you stop and think about it. I wanted to ask if the flickering man reported to the board but I also didn’t want to derail the conversation with things that really didn’t matter anymore. It’s safer to just assume the board is the administration I’ve been wondering about this whole time. Heck, it’s safer to assume everyone except for the students and professors are responsible in some part for the whole monster situation.
Sorry for not finding out for certain, but Grayson was working through some important stuff and I didn’t dare interrupt.
“I don’t want counseling, either,” he continued. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I never cared for him. Not in a familial sense. My presence was more to fill a role.”
Things were starting to connect in my head. This conversation reminded me of some things the flickering man had said. Roles to be filled. A cycle, ushering in new students to fill them. They’d been filling the president’s role with a corpse - a very old one, judging by the date on the photo Cassie took of the headstone - so perhaps that wasn’t the only role being filled.
“Were you adopted?” I asked. “By the president?”
“I was.”
Beside me, Cassie took a deep breath. It wasn’t from shock. It sounded more like… annoyance. If I’m being generous with the term.
“The flickering man said something to me,” I said slowly. “That I wasn’t the first person he’d seen like this and I wouldn’t be the last. Are you… not the only child that the president has adopted?”
“...I’m not.”
This is the point where Cassie just lost it. Stood up, yelled ‘why the fuck didn’t you tell us any of this?!’ and stormed out of the room. She slammed the door to her bedroom shut behind her. Grayson and I sat there in the living room for a good minute, stunned, listening to what I’m 99% certain was Cassie screaming into her pillow. Then the door opened and she returned to calmly sit down on the sofa again.
“I’m good,” she said. “All better. Please continue.”
The details of the conversation get a little fuzzy at this point, as it seems that even though the forgetter is gone I’m still having memory issues. Unfortunately Grayson was right - it wasn’t the forgetter that was responsible for my particular variety of memory loss. There’s something else trying to protect Grayson.
I suspect the tree in the graveyard. Its roots have spread all over campus, after all.
Sorry to be so blase about this but it’s not actually that upsetting anymore. It’s just this thing we’re dealing with.
It’s a good thing Cassie was present for the rest of the conversation. She filled me in on the details later, after we’d confirmed that I had some significant gaps. Grayson explained a bit more about the whole adoption thing. He didn’t know who his birth parents were. He’d never been outside of this town and basically grew up on campus. This is all kind of recapping what we already knew or guessed at, but the adoption angle was new at least. I’d assumed that his dad had died and been replaced, which he had, except it wasn’t his dad at all and Grayson’s role as the son was being replaced over and over also.
Which is all kinds of fucked up.
It also means that this has been going on for generations and I think we all know why that’s rather alarming.
“What happened to the previous adopted kids?” I asked once we’d gotten through this rather confusing summary.
“They died.”
There was a heavy silence in the room.
“How?” I asked.
“Well… one drowned. Another suffocated.” He hesitated. “This is kind of why I’m reluctant to tell people I’m the president’s son.”
“Grayson, are you worried someone will try to kill you?” Cassie asked flatly.
“...yeah. I am, actually.”
Screaming into a pillow myself was starting to look pretty tempting.
Now I’m sure you’re all thinking what I was thinking at this point. If the university was just recycling the president’s corpse and finding new children to play the role of their child for… reasons??? then perhaps that was why the flickering man was interested in me. Perhaps I was Grayson’s replacement, as many of you have theorized.
I mean, it seems pretty suspicious. Grayson’s dad is getting his soul replaced on the regular - or at least, he was. Grayson himself is a replacement for prior Graysons but I guess since they don’t need an adult, they’re just grabbing any ol’ kid to fill the role for a while. But the former Graysons keep dying because the inhumans get him? Grayson has a lot of protection on campus but he’s not immune - I’ve watched him get attacked by the steam ghost in particular.
Which leads me to my own theory. If I am a replacement, I don’t fit the mold. Perhaps that’s why the flickering man hated me so much. I’m too old (legal adult yay) and… I’m not a son.
But I wanted to confirm some things.
We wrapped up the conversation with Grayson because we were running out of mental capacity to ask more questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and there was a lot to process. He did promise to not be so difficult about this in the future. He wasn’t really grieving. He was just… uncertain. He didn’t know what to do anymore. Which is fair. When you’re raised to fill a role and suddenly that role is gone it’s hard to adjust.
I know what that feels like.
After Grayson left I messaged Maria asking if she knew anyone that was good with a camera. Like, really good. And also good in high stress situations. She got back to me pretty quickly. Maria is starting to become one of those people who knows everyone. She’s heading firmly down the road of becoming the subject of one of those unhinged tumblr posts where someone magically summons an army of people to fulfill a task, while she stays on the sidelines quietly directing the ever-increasing chaos.
Fortunately, she’s not there quite yet, but she is freakishly well-connected for a campus of this size. Within an hour she had me in a group chat with someone from the Folklore Society who fit all my requirements, even the unspoken ones. Someone that was good with a camera in “hostile circumstances” (her words, very accurate) and wouldn’t cut and run the moment things got a little weird. I think you all see where I was going with this.
Yeah, we were going to get photos of something inhuman.
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
For starters, it’s not safe just getting close to an inhuman to photograph it. And once you do, that opens a whole new set of hazards. If the inhuman takes offense to being photographed, then they’re going to do anything they have to to get the photo destroyed and all rules are off the table when it comes to disguising their existence. Think of it like this - an inhuman might not be able to enter a house due to hospitality rules keeping them out, but this is weighed against their need to keep their presence obscured. The latter wins. Hospitality rules are no longer enough protection.
That’s my understanding, at least.
And sure, there are inhumans that don’t seem to care if a photo or two are leaked to the internet, but you have no way of knowing in advance. Let’s say you get lucky and nothing comes after you to destroy the phone/camera, computer, your social media accounts, and you. You’re not quite off the hook. That photo is a connection to the inhuman and if the creature captured in it doesn’t use it as an access point, something else might.
Photos are just a bad idea all around.
So we agreed that if we were going to go ahead with this stupid plan, we’d do so with as many safety measures as we could. First, the person taking the photo would be fully informed on the potential consequences. I was hoping that they could just teach Maria or I how to use a camera, but considering they were in the inner circle Folklore Society (what I’m calling the folks that know the monsters aren’t just stories) they wanted to come in person. I tried to talk them out of it, they finally made a snarky comment about if I wanted them to sign a waiver, and I dropped the topic.
Secondly, we were going to destroy both the photo and the camera afterwards. I got online and ordered the cheapest digital camera I could find. It was a camera designed for young children so it was pastel pink with teddy bears on it, but whatever, it was digital and didn’t cost over $30. The money from my job at the dining hall has helped with the finances but I didn’t particularly feel like lighting it on fire.
Especially since we planned to literally light the camera on fire when we were done. I wasn’t looking forward to the smell of burning plastic but fire is both a thorough and symbolically traditional way to dispose of things. Like I said, we were trying to do this as safely as we could.
The camera arrived the next day so we decided to go ahead with our plan that evening. Cassie would stay home because we felt having too many people might be a hindrance if we had to bail out. Also, she had “digital date night” with her girlfriend and I didn’t want to interfere.
Then we found a discreet entrance to the steam tunnels.
I wanted a photograph of the steam ghost. It had a face. I wanted to see what that face looked like.
I’d scouted out the steam tunnel entrances beforehand, while waiting for the burner (lol) camera to arrive. Last time I’d looked inside, they were clogged with roots. However, if the roots were originating from the graveyard, then perhaps the parts of campus that were farthest away would be clear enough to traverse. I got lucky and found an entrance inside of one of the dorms that’s out by the parking lot. The lobby is open and from there it’s easy enough to just coast into the stairwell behind someone with a keycard and then down into the basement. There were roots, but they hung from the ceiling as slender tendrils that brushed the top of my head like the faint touch of a moth. I didn’t go far inside. Just enough to confirm it didn’t get any worse and we had a long corridor free of obstruction.
When I came back, I had Maria and the photographer with me.
His name is Jacob and he’s a sophomore. He joined the Folklore Society because he realized he wasn’t making any attempts to be social, at college of all places, and picked a club that seemed like it would be small so he didn’t have to deal with crowds. Large groups of people intimidated him. I can certainly relate to that.
I feel bad for him. Imagine getting caught up in all this bullshit just because you had trouble making friends.
It also occurred to me that this photography excursion was also part of his attempt to make friends, because that’s what landed him in the group that had to hide from the thing in the hallway. Whatever. Maria can deal with that. She’s the extrovert.
“Let’s not forget the plan,” I said nervously as we gathered outside the door. “We get in. We get the photo. We run like hell back out the door.”
I’m happy to say that the plan worked. Every step. Swear to god.
We were about halfway to where the tunnel turned when the steam started to rise out of the ground around us. It seeped through the walls, filling our lungs and making it hard to breathe. The usual. We turned back at that point, as we wanted to be close to the exit so we could snap the photo and run once the steam ghost showed up.
The nice thing about inhumans is that they can be predictable. They have set rules they follow and so long as you follow the prescribed pattern of behavior, you know what to expect. This allows you to plan, as I’d done. So when we loitered within sprinting distance of the door, the steam ghost obliged to show up and chase us off.
Just as expected. And Jacob was ready with our pastel pink camera, so that when its face materialized out of the steam, mouth open in a silent scream and its misty hands stretched towards us, he was able to snap a photo.
Then we ran and reached the door before it caught up.
See? Exactly as planned.
There’s one more rule we learned about though. One that I’d forgotten to factor in for this crucial moment.
The doors in the steam tunnels don’t always open to the same place.
We tumbled through without thinking. I, pulling up the rear, had a moment of hesitation when I saw nothing but darkness ahead of me, but it was too late, I was in a full sprint and besides, Maria had already stumbled through the doorway. I slammed into Jacob’s back, propelling him the few steps he needed to be past the doorway, and then we were all through and the door slammed shut behind us.
The air was warm and damp. The steam tunnels, while warm, aren’t damp unless the steam ghost is present. This felt like being inside of a sauna. I could feel water beads forming on my arms, clinging to the hairs that were currently standing on end in alarm. There was a faint breeze coming from ahead of us, a slowly rhythmic flow to it like a fan. It did nothing to alleviate the heat. If anything, it was even warmer.
Maria turned her phone’s flashlight on.
We were in a corridor, much the same size as the tunnel we’d just escaped. The walls glistened with moisture, shining with the gray-pink color of rotting beef. There were no sharp angles, just a round passageway that vanished into darkness at the edge of Maria’s flashlight beam. The floor beneath our feet was slightly squishy.
And it was full of teeth.
Honestly I think I would have preferred sharp teeth, like an animal’s fangs or something out of science fiction. Instead, we got human incisors, circling the entirety of the tunnel in regular intervals.
The tunnel rippled. There was a faint gurgling sound, like the rumbling of a stomach twisting in hunger. And those rows of teeth began to tighten as the tunnel constricted around us.
“STEAM GHOST,” Maria yelled. “I CHOOSE THE STEAM GHOST.”
And she threw the door behind us open and dove back into the tunnel. Jacob grabbed my arm and dragged me along with him, as I was frozen in fear, staring at all those glistening ivory teeth. I stumbled over the doorframe and fell forwards, hitting the cement floor hard on all fours. I heard the door slam shut behind me. Frantically, I looked up at the tunnel.
No ghost. But the steam was still there, hanging heavy in the air and filling my lungs. The ghost would be back. I was certain of that.
“What now?!” Jacob asked, his earlier calm quickly giving way to panic.
“Try the door again!” I said, scrambling to my feet. “It changes!”
Maria spun around and opened the door a sliver for the second time, just enough to peer through the crack and confirm what was on the other side.
“FUCK.”
Then she slammed it shut. Opened it. Another burst of profanity, slightly more panicked than the last explicative. Meanwhile, Jacob and I cowered at her back, staring at the steam that hung thick in the air all around us, waiting to see if it was going to reform into a malevolent spirit while Maria played Russian roulette with the door.
She did this five times before she finally got the dorm we’d entered through.
Flushed and panting, we stumbled through and Jacob kicked the door to the steam tunnels shut with a determined flourish. There. We’d done it. As I’d said, our plan went perfectly. We got the photo and ran like hell to the door.
Didn’t plan on what happened after we went through the door. This is my lack of attention to detail coming into play, which is probably what also made me a shitty barista.
We crowded around Jacob to see the photo he got. This is why we recruited someone with actual photography skills. He was able to use a truly shitty camera intended for toddlers to somehow focus on a literal ghost’s face in the handful of seconds we had before it reached us, all while not panicking.
Staring at us from the tiny screen was a person’s face. Not a face made of steam. An actual flesh and blood human face. The rest of the shot was obscured by steam, framing it so that all we could see was this disembodied human face staring out at us from the camera’s digital screen. The expression was placid, the eyes hollow and devoid of emotion.
I’d seen this look before, on the library ghost. This distant stare of something that wasn’t wholly here.
“That is… really creepy,” Jacob said.
“We just escaped a hallway full of teeth and this is what you find creepy?” I said.
“No, that was creepy too. I can be terrified by multiple things at once.”
We all stared at the photo for a good few minutes, trying to commit the face to memory because we were not going to retain any copies of it. Then Jacob deleted the photo, handed me the camera, and we awkwardly went our separate ways.
I got out my phone as soon as we’d all walked off. My theory was looking plausible, but there was one more thing I could do to confirm I was on the right track.
I texted Grayson. I asked him if the children before him, the ones the president adopted, were all male.
They were.
The library ghost. The stabbed student. And now… the steam ghost.
All former students. All male. All trapped on campus after their deaths.
And for at least two of them, they seemed to have something against Grayson.
They don’t like Grayson because he replaced them.
Update: HOLY SHIT Y’ALL BATTERIES EXPLODE WHEN YOU SET THEM ON FIRE

Hi! This is going to be a long one/rant and story because I really don’t know who to talk to about this in real life because I’m not in therapy and I’m so embarrassed to be feeling this way knowing I made all the choices to be here and people are already flying in from out of state to come to our wedding. Also I’m diagnosed adhd incase any of yall are wondering what’s wrong with me once I tell you all the decisions I made to get here. I am getting married in three months and have a son who is 15 months old. My now fiance 28m and I 27f met whenever we were thirteen years old in middle school and started a tumultuous up and down / on and off again relationship. We were together all the way up until junior year in high school and we broke up. I come from a broken home and he does not. Looking back I realize how much of me staying with him and trying to keep his attention stemmed from my abandonment issues that I must have had from my own parents. After we broke up he joined a gang in my local hometown and I was still in love with him so I decided to still be involved with him even though I was not in a relationship with him. I ended up losing my virginity to him while we were not together just because I wanted to be with him and we said we were friends with benefits but really I was just in love with him and thought by doing that maybe he would want to be with me again but he didn’t and continued to sleep with other girls and do drugs. I also started doing drugs like Xanax and smoking to fit in with him and be cool. I ended up getting a horrible tattoo because one of the other girls he was also seeing had a bunch of tattoos. I dropped out of my high school college courses and ended up going to jail for marijuana in high school and got kicked out of cheer and softball. I ended up on probation and having to be drug tested for a year. Within that year after being heart broken and realizing nothing I did would make him change into who he was before he got involved in our local gang or make him want to be with me… I ended up enrolling in college and getting accepted to a university where I would move about two hours away from our home town to live on campus and study to be a nurse. While on probation, so I couldn’t really party or anything in college which was good (even though I was never really addicted to anything and it wouldn’t be that hard for me) I wanted to save money for a car so I ended up getting a job at the hooters next to my college and was in college full time and working at hooters. My sister happened to go to that same college before I did and live in that town with her ex bf and they would give me rides to and from work back to campus. Low and behold after about two semesters of me being in college and finally feeling like I was moving on from him, he came back messaging me and telling me he missed me and wanted to be with me again. I was stupid and so excited that I agreed and asked him to come see me at college where he would stay for the weekend and we would have an amazing time. I felt so good about myself doing what I was doing and being able to show my growth. Despite all that he was still able to convince me to leave school and come back to be with him and live with him and go to the college near our hometown and work at the hooters near our hometown. I had already felt like I didn’t want to be a nurse at the time because my sister who was a nurse told me you could never leave the state as a nurse if you get your license there (which she didn’t know at the time that you could) and I knew I didn’t want to stay where I was from and wanted to eventually travel. So I decided to leave and move back with him in his bedroom at his parents house where I would work at the hooters close to our home town and never enroll in the college. He would eventually break up with me while I was at work one day even though I was living with him and since I didn’t have a car he continued to take me back in forth from work and I continued to live with him and continued to be in love with him while he committed to the fact that he didn’t want to be in a relationship but wanted to marry me one day and just wasn’t ready for anything right now and still wanted to have sex with me which I did. From working at hooters I had auditioned for the calendar and ended up being really liked by the photographer and started doing some modeling from that which was super exciting for me because I always was interested in that and the pictures we took would blow up and I started getting well known in my area for modeling even though they were just pictures and I wasn’t making any money off of it. Eventually a guy came into hooters telling me about working as an exotic dancer and how much they could make and I still needed a car really badly and was desperate to get out of my ex’s (now fiance) house. So I told him I would be waitressing and that I heard the waitresses make good money there and asked him to give me a ride there one day and so he started giving me a ride everyday. The money was so good to me and the most money I had ever seen. I ended up staying in a hotel closer to the club I worked at and sometimes he would come stay with me and I would just uber to work. Eventually I had gotten a car which I was so happy about. A couple of weeks after I got a car I ended up getting sucked into human trafficking with a friend where I would live in a house with multiple girls for 6 months and go to work at the club every day of the week except Saturday and Sundays. I wasn’t doing anything extra just dancing but the money was going to some random guy. It’s crazy I know. I was stupid and young and my family were not concerned for me at all or involved in my life. unfortunately my friend is just now leaving that situation. I got out without anything no car or nothing and had nowhere to go so back to my exes I went where I decided I was going to buy a cash car again and I worked everyday like I was used to saved money and got a car. Moved to my sisters and stayed with her for a little where i decided I didn’t want to dance anymore and I got a job as a bottle service girl and then waitressing at another waitress. I continued modeling because it made me happy and I never told anyone the truth about the deep things that were happening in my life except for my now fiance. So nobody had no idea about me dancing or the human trafficking or anything. Everyone just knew I modeled. I ended up getting an apartment with some friends and One day I got the urge to go to California randomly and at my waitressing job I was handed $800 and I took it as a sign and booked a flight the next day. Where I went by myself my first time ever on a flight with no plans at all. The day I got there I got asked to be in a commercial two days later. My roommate and her friends flew out there to get me and she ended up being able to be in the commercial with me which ended up on tbs but I had to go back home to my apartment and responsibilities and couldn’t leave my roommate stranded. Even though months later we would end up getting in an argument and I’d move out and move back with my ex (now fiance) where I would continue to work and model (for free) and went back to the club to dance and then my sister ended up going to California for a travel nursing assignment and her and her bf broke up and she asked me to move with her. I had nothing else here, my ex was still saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship, he was consistently sleeping with other girls while we lived together and expected relationship things from me. I was paying for everything for him. I paid for him while he was in school for audio engineer, his gas, lunch, school clothes, shopping, I helped him open his own studio and bought his equipment and Mac for it, even though his parents were very involved in his life. I got all his family bday gifts and Christmas gifts every year. He was honestly just using me but I was so in love and blind. He encouraged me to go to California too so I had nothing else there for me, if he had told me to stay and he wanted to be with me I would’ve. I flew out on my 21st birthday and met my sister and Vegas where we would have such a great time and my ex spent that day hanging out with a girl that tried to fight me and didn’t even tell me happy birthday, I was crying in the bathroom in Vegas until my sister shook me and told me to get it together we’re in Vegas. I was so heart broken to be leaving him but he didn’t care. I got to LA and I instantly started modeling on day one I booked a photo shoot where I met a guy that reminded me of my ex (I know) but we instantly clicked and he was 7 years older than me. We ended up talking for a little bit and pursuing something even though I wasn’t ready emotionally but he didn’t really care and I was kind of star struck a little because he was a music producer for a very famous musician and he was very persistent but that’s another story. I ended up booking a music video as a main girl for my ex’s (now fiance) favorite artist. When it came out it was crazy because I felt like the universe and God was just blessing me for leaving that situation and I knew he would see it because he was so obsessed with that artist and it shook up the whole small town I was from. After that I booked a lot of cool jobs like Sephora and worked with a lot of companies, and did some music videos for other super famous artists, and walked in fashion shows and modeled for clothing brands etc. I was working all the time as an extra to pay my bills and I was meeting cool people. I was always getting invited to celebrities parties and just having such a fun time. I decided to start getting into acting instead and started going to acting school where a lot of well known celebrities also went to and I started having meetings with very popular directors and I was being mentored by famous directors and another person that created an tv entertainment channel that I won’t say here also mentored me a lot and got me a lot of meetings with these people and would go to dinners and stuff etc with a list celebrities. I truly was living the life. And coming from where I can it was almost a dream. I had gotten in a relationship my first year there with that other guy I mentioned who ended up being super possessive of me but he treated me like a queen in the sense of paying for everything, giving me a safe space to tell my feelings, open up, the sex was amazing, he would take me on trips, took me out of the country for the first time. We ended up not working out due to lifestyle differences and just being at two different places and wanting different things. He wanted to move out of the country and have a farm and I wasn’t ready to do that as I wanted to focus on my career. (But I would die to move out of the country on a farm now ironically and he is doing just that now like he said he would haha) anyway, I ended up having my own studio apartment by myself that I loved so much and was so proud of. My sister had moved to Montana and it took a lot for me to get my apartment like staying in a house with other girls for a little to sleeping in my car and at a spa for a couple days. When I would fly home or drive home to see my family I would always see my ex, everytime. We kept a friendship and sometimes I would still help him out if needed, he was interning at a church through his school for audio engineering and recording people at his studio in our hometown. By this time I was going to New York and Miami also sometimes and doing work there. I wasn’t as stressed about bills anymore. I was seeing guys every now and then but not at all interested in a relationship, my heart was still healing from the past and both my exes but mainly my first (now fiance). I was super focused on my career and optimistic, I was used to the grind and in no way ever thinking of quitting. It just wasn’t an option because I knew I would make it wherever that would be because to me that is all I had for me and all I ever knew I wanted and the only thing that saved me. Skip to around October 2019 I had found out about a girl my ex was seeing and it crushed me. He was doing with her just like he was with me though. Just “friends with benefits” I was living in my apartment in LA still and my uncle that helped raise me was getting really sick back home and put on hospice so I decided to take a trip back to see him. I would go to restaurants in my state and near my home town and people would ask to take pictures with me, and at the little ceasars drive through someone asked if I was me and stuff it was crazy because I hadn’t been home in awhile and I felt like what I was doing was finally paying off and people were recognizing me. It was surreal. I ended up going to see my ex. I had such a fear of losing him to this other girl for some reason. I was so scared he would get her pregnant or get in a serious relationship since I was gone so far away and I would never be with him, I would end up sleeping with him again and the girl found out and drove by his house mad and cussing me out and throwing stuff at me. We ended up getting in a fight which is so embarrassing and beneath me. I ended up crying to him that I wanted to be with him and don’t know why he never wanted to be with me which at this time he honestly was not even in my playing field anymore. He told me if I wanted to be with him I had to move back to my hometown.. my heart dropped to my stomach and I knew it wasn’t what I was supposed to do but I said okay… all because this is what I had wanted all those years. I decided to stay where the next two years all I would think about everyday was I was making the wrong decision and needed to go back to my life. My hometown had nothing for me.. COVID hit a couple months after me being there and we were terrified. We ended up getting everything out of my apartment and moving into a house around the corner from his parents. I had to tell him how I liked to communicate now without yelling and stuff which I learned from the boyfriend I had in LA and that I wasn’t going to put up with that disrespect but he never listened. Eventually everything went back to normal. I ended up going back to the club again dancing because I didn’t want to go backward and model here. He never wanted me to go back to LA even for a little bit even though that’s where my career and heart was so I had no idea what to do with my life. I started waitressing as well and getting back on my adhd meds. People started pressuring us to get pregnant and we tried for a year and 6 months. The month I found out I was pregnant before I knew, I quit my job and decided I was going to move back and get my life back. Two days later I found out I was pregnant…. Finally after trying for over a year. Our relationship was toxic just like the past he always yelled, I could never talk to him about my feelings without him saying I was trying to fight, he spit in my face once, threatened me, put his hands on me, he would tell me he was going to take my baby away from me as soon as I had it. I started asking him about getting married while I was pregnant and the proposal wasn’t even that. He got mad at me for asking one day and walked in the room and handed me the ring. It didn’t fit because I was pregnant & it was $27 (not that that matters but the proposal sucked).. he drained both my bank accounts and they closed it, charged my credit card up and put me in debt, he has not let me do anything I want to do like school or anything. He is so bad with money. He has an action figure addiction and at one point was spending 3k on action figures every month and turned one of the rooms in our house into a collection room so I had to take everything out of my closet and put my sons crib in there for the first year of his life. we have good times and I feel comfortable with him. He knows everything about me but he doesn’t respect me and sometimes I feel like he is intimidated by me. The sex isn’t good at all we always just ask “do you want to have sex” he never gives oral or foreplay, I never get pleasure. He’s an amazing dad though and loves his son. We have the most sweet and beautiful little boy now who I love so much and he loves him also. He’s very attentive to his son. But I still feel unheard. I can’t talk about my feelings. If I do it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change anything. He is so defensive and we never communicate for a solution it’s always just pointing fingers. I have started yelling again because I’m so used to it now and I hate it because I grew up like that and I finally grew out of it until I got back with him and recently started again and now he throws it in my face and knows I begged him not to do it forever but he never stopped and now I am too. I’ve asked him to take me to the movies and he hasn’t still. I just ask for more romance and stuff but it just feels like I have a roommate. I have nothing now. I had my car and we traded it in for a new car that he wanted. I always dreamed of the next car I’d get once I paid it off but he got it & it’s in his name now so I paid it off for nothing. I’m driving around his dream car. I’ve been planning our wedding since I birthed our son and everything is going good. Money is tight. He works at the church now full time and makes about 45k a year or so, my son has been waiting to start daycare for awhile so I have been home with him. I’ve tried starting jobs multiple times but he is against it unless it’s super fast money like going to the club which I am so repulsed by and absolutely hate it now. I tried going back to college but my old college won’t release my transcripts for fasfa because I owe them money. I started cosmetology school a few months ago which he was all for but two months in freaked out and him and his mom guilt tripped me that we can’t handle this right now and he was having a hard time doing the night time routine for the baby while I was at school so I had to leave and now owe that’s school for my kit unless I enroll again in 128 days. I also miss modeling so much and sometimes think I can start again but it’s been five years. My body is so different too after a baby. Everything I want is a no go. Especially moving out of our hometown. He says he wants to but I don’t think he does. We are constantly at his moms and dads and they tell us all the time we aren’t moving anywhere which is really hard for me as this place is super toxic for my soul. Anytime I get money he spends it. Anytime I save money he spends it. Even if it does go towards our bills. His action figure habit is almost nonexistent now and he has grown a lot in the past few months from that since I demanded my son have his own bedroom after his first bday and all his figures are in boxes now and told him he could turn the shed into his man cave. He says we can’t save because we have nothing to save after bills but I believe in saving anything even $5 a paycheck. It’s doable. I grew up poor so this is nothing to me but after living the lifestyle I lived in LA and going out with guys that respected me and cherished me it’s hard. I know nobody is perfect but we are about to get married and I’m scared… I have nothing though anymore. I’ve threatened to leave a couple times and he says he will take me to court and take my baby. I’m scared he might. I don’t want my son to be angry like him or not respect women how he does. In public he’s a saint. He also has a very supportive family that it’s almost toxic. They all blame me for his anger issues and say I make him that way. But he’s been punching walls since I met him in 8th grade. I know it’s not because of me. But I have nobody else and nowhere else to go. No money. No car. I’m at the bottom again where I was before. Only difference is now I have a son. And we are getting married in three months and I can’t call it off. I am older now and looking back on my life I realize he maybe truly never loved me and I was just so desperate for love. I got myself here nobody else. I accepted everything, even when my gut told me not to. ( he is not just horrible, he’s a great person just with some bad qualities like everyone but I’m tired of feeling stuck with someone that never truly wanted me and doesn’t care to grow in some ways or show me )
Please help.. what do I do?

My girlfriend(32F) and I(31M) are in a long distance relationship since a year and a half. We’re both in different countries, we met through a dating app. When we stumbled upon each other, she had just broken up with her ex for about 6 months and was healing from a toxic relationship. Her ex was emotionally abusive and It took a toll on her and she started to question her self confidence. She went through therapy but discontinued shortly as became expensive.
As we began our relationship, we set things straight that we were purely going to get to know each other and become good friends first and then see where it takes us. As we got to know each other more, I started to fall for her and I saw her as the most precious human, still do! She’s got amazing qualities, she’s super funny, she’s kind, she’s the sweetest to literally everyone, she’s got a beautiful heart and soul, she’s sexy and whatnot. But we decided we were not going to say “I love you” until we meet in person.
During this time of us getting to know each other, she told me that she didn’t find me attractive physically and we don’t have an emotional connection like how she does with a few of her friends. And we convinced each other that it’ll take time for all that as we’re still getting to know each other. She used to make fun of how I laugh all the time when I’m talking to her, she’d make fun of the way I talk, the way I eat, the way I dance or sing( which I understand, I suck) but I used to send her pictures and videos of me singing and dancing for her while I was thinking of her. She used to make fun of those too and asked me not to do anything “extra” and just myself. That was me being myself and I felt that she didn’t like it, so I stopped it all.
She told me that her ex and all her ex boyfriends were charming and had a great personality. And it made me feel a little low thinking that maybe she doesn’t find me charming. Maybe I wasn’t her type, but she used to tell me that I’ve made her feel so comfortable that she can be herself around me and she likes that a lot. And she told me that this is helping her heal from her past as she felt that she wasn’t able to be herself in her past relationship before me. I felt good and I wanted to make her feel more comfortable, so, when the time is right, she’ll feel things for me.
She once mentioned that her friend and her were laughing about how they’re not into guys who are inexperienced and they would never want to get into a relationship with a virgin. Me, being a virgin, I told her I’d been with 3 partners and have had s*x because again, because of what she said earlier, I got scared and lied. I shouldn’t have. I was in three other relationships(each not lasting more than 2yrs) but never had sex because I wanted to have sex with the one with whom I’d be certain I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. I never felt that way with any of my exes and never had sex but did other stuff.
While her on the other hand, has had a quite a few hookups, friends with benefit with 1 guy, and had sex with all 4 other partners from her long relationships( each 3 year long). This was all before meeting me and I told her it’s good that she was experienced and I’ll probably get to learn from her experience.
6 months into the relationship, she had come down to my country and we spent 2 days together. I really wanted to hug her so badly and kiss her. But when we hugged, she said she didn’t feel any butterflies and it was awkward. This made me feel really low, but I told myself that she’s probably still healing from her past and it may take time for her corn around and open her heart for me. Never kissed. She asked me for a kiss after our “awkward hug” but I was scared that if we kissed and if she didn’t feel anything, she’d end things between us.
We met again 3 months down the road, this time we spent a solid 10 days together. I was really excited and I thought by now, she’d be comfortable around me and probably have feelings for me. She said she did. And by this time, she told me she loves me for the first time. And I truly believed it. We kissed for the first time, we made out a little and it was all good. But didn’t have sex, while we were foreplaying, she asked me to put it in and I wanted to but my dck in but it wouldn’t turn on. I never had a problem with my dck not working while masturbating, I used to imagine doing a lot of sexy things with my girlfriend.
Mentally, I was under a lot of pressure, that she has had amazing sex from her ex partners and what if I disappoint her. She did tell me that in her previous relationship, she had orgasmed 7 times in 24 hrs. I tried to not think of it, but subconsciously, I wanted to be good too, make her feel good and I wanted to make her feel satisfied. Anyways, when she asked me what was wrong, I told her that I was a virgin and she said it was okay, I shouldn’t have lied to her, she comforted me saying we can have sex later when I’m comfortable and wanted to make it special.
I felt supported and safe. It was good. I regretted not telling her earlier. During this meet, though we kissed not more than 15seconds, foreplayed a little, she was not comfortable with me touching her tummy, touch her bum, or even take a look at her p*ssy. I was fine with it, I understood that it may be because of her insecurities and I kept praising her how hot she was and how much I find her sexy.
This trip ended and we met again 4 months down the line, only for 5 days but we couro spend the time together only for 2 days. We hugged and she again, said the hug was awkward. We kissed, but never made out more than 15seconds, I was playing around with her body and this time she let me kiss her tummy and bum. But didn’t let me take a look her p*ssy and I was still fine. I understood her that she needs more time to be physically comfortable.
She went back and after a couple of months, I asked her why she used to push me away while we were kissing. Even during our hugs, I wanted to hug her tightly, but she used to tap out 5 seconds into the hug. She said it was because it was summer, it was too hot. Then later, she told me that those were intimate things and it takes time for her to be intimate with her partner. I tried to understand.
TL/ DR - What bothers me is, while she had her hookups, friends with benefit stuff, she was with a stranger and she would let them touch her anywhere in the body, she’d let them kiss her, make out with her for as long as they want, she’d let them look at her whole body while they were having sex, but not me. I’ve made it clear with her multiple times that I’m here for good and I want her to my life partner and that I love her, and yet, she’s not comfortable with me even after 1.5 years of our relationship but she has been comfortable with strangers whom she had just met.
It makes me think, that she either find me unattractive or she doesn’t look at me that way, yet. She tells me that she loves me, she finds me attractive and wants to get married to me, but I’m not able to trust her words because of her actions when we were together in person.
I love her to the moon, she is my freaking moon. But I don’t know if there’s something wrong with my thinking, maybe she doesn’t find me sexy, maybe doesn’t see me as a bad boy like her exes.
I mean, I know things will get better as we close the distance in 1 year when I move to her country but right now; I’m finding it very difficult to process the fact that she’s not comfortable with me physically even after all this time, but she’s so comfortable to kiss, make out or have s*x with a stranger.
Super Sorry for the long read. Please give me your honest insights.

My girlfriend(32F) and I(31M) are in a long distance relationship since a year and a half. We’re both in different countries, we met through a dating app. When we stumbled upon each other, she had just broken up with her ex for about 6 months and was healing from a toxic relationship. Her ex was emotionally abusive and It took a toll on her and she started to question her self confidence. She went through therapy but discontinued shortly as became expensive.
As we began our relationship, we set things straight that we were purely going to get to know each other and become good friends first and then see where it takes us. As we got to know each other more, I started to fall for her and I saw her as the most precious human, still do! She’s got amazing qualities, she’s super funny, she’s kind, she’s the sweetest to literally everyone, she’s got a beautiful heart and soul, she’s sexy and whatnot. But we decided we were not going to say “I love you” until we meet in person.
During this time of us getting to know each other, she told me that she didn’t find me attractive physically and we don’t have an emotional connection like how she does with a few of her friends. And we convinced each other that it’ll take time for all that as we’re still getting to know each other. She used to make fun of how I laugh all the time when I’m talking to her, she’d make fun of the way I talk, the way I eat, the way I dance or sing( which I understand, I suck) but I used to send her pictures and videos of me singing and dancing for her while I was thinking of her. She used to make fun of those too and asked me not to do anything “extra” and just myself. That was me being myself and I felt that she didn’t like it, so I stopped it all.
She told me that her ex and all her ex boyfriends were charming and had a great personality. And it made me feel a little low thinking that maybe she doesn’t find me charming. Maybe I wasn’t her type, but she used to tell me that I’ve made her feel so comfortable that she can be herself around me and she likes that a lot. And she told me that this is helping her heal from her past as she felt that she wasn’t able to be herself in her past relationship before me. I felt good and I wanted to make her feel more comfortable, so, when the time is right, she’ll feel things for me.
She once mentioned that her friend and her were laughing about how they’re not into guys who are inexperienced and they would never want to get into a relationship with a virgin. Me, being a virgin, I told her I’d been with 3 partners and have had s*x because again, because of what she said earlier, I got scared and lied. I shouldn’t have. I was in three other relationships(each not lasting more than 2yrs) but never had sex because I wanted to have sex with the one with whom I’d be certain I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. I never felt that way with any of my exes and never had sex but did other stuff.
While her on the other hand, has had a quite a few hookups, friends with benefit with 1 guy, and had sex with all 4 other partners from her long relationships( each 3 year long). This was all before meeting me and I told her it’s good that she was experienced and I’ll probably get to learn from her experience.
6 months into the relationship, she had come down to my country and we spent 2 days together. I really wanted to hug her so badly and kiss her. But when we hugged, she said she didn’t feel any butterflies and it was awkward. This made me feel really low, but I told myself that she’s probably still healing from her past and it may take time for her corn around and open her heart for me. Never kissed. She asked me for a kiss after our “awkward hug” but I was scared that if we kissed and if she didn’t feel anything, she’d end things between us.
We met again 3 months down the road, this time we spent a solid 10 days together. I was really excited and I thought by now, she’d be comfortable around me and probably have feelings for me. She said she did. And by this time, she told me she loves me for the first time. And I truly believed it. We kissed for the first time, we made out a little and it was all good. But didn’t have sex, while we were foreplaying, she asked me to put it in and I wanted to but my dck in but it wouldn’t turn on. I never had a problem with my dck not working while masturbating, I used to imagine doing a lot of sexy things with my girlfriend.
Mentally, I was under a lot of pressure, that she has had amazing sex from her ex partners and what if I disappoint her. She did tell me that in her previous relationship, she had orgasmed 7 times in 24 hrs. I tried to not think of it, but subconsciously, I wanted to be good too, make her feel good and I wanted to make her feel satisfied. Anyways, when she asked me what was wrong, I told her that I was a virgin and she said it was okay, I shouldn’t have lied to her, she comforted me saying we can have sex later when I’m comfortable and wanted to make it special.
I felt supported and safe. It was good. I regretted not telling her earlier. During this meet, though we kissed not more than 15seconds, foreplayed a little, she was not comfortable with me touching her tummy, touch her bum, or even take a look at her p*ssy. I was fine with it, I understood that it may be because of her insecurities and I kept praising her how hot she was and how much I find her sexy.
This trip ended and we met again 4 months down the line, only for 5 days but we couro spend the time together only for 2 days. We hugged and she again, said the hug was awkward. We kissed, but never made out more than 15seconds, I was playing around with her body and this time she let me kiss her tummy and bum. But didn’t let me take a look her p*ssy and I was still fine. I understood her that she needs more time to be physically comfortable.
She went back and after a couple of months, I asked her why she used to push me away while we were kissing. Even during our hugs, I wanted to hug her tightly, but she used to tap out 5 seconds into the hug. She said it was because it was summer, it was too hot. Then later, she told me that those were intimate things and it takes time for her to be intimate with her partner. I tried to understand.
TL/ DR - What bothers me is, while she had her hookups, friends with benefit stuff, she was with a stranger and she would let them touch her anywhere in the body, she’d let them kiss her, make out with her for as long as they want, she’d let them look at her whole body while they were having sex, but not me. I’ve made it clear with her multiple times that I’m here for good and I want her to my life partner and that I love her, and yet, she’s not comfortable with me even after 1.5 years of our relationship but she has been comfortable with strangers whom she had just met.
It makes me think, that she either find me unattractive or she doesn’t look at me that way, yet. She tells me that she loves me, she finds me attractive and wants to get married to me, but I’m not able to trust her words because of her actions when we were together in person.
I love her to the moon, she is my freaking moon. But I don’t know if there’s something wrong with my thinking, maybe she doesn’t find me sexy, maybe doesn’t see me as a bad boy like her exes.
I mean, I know things will get better as we close the distance in 1 year when I move to her country but right now; I’m finding it very difficult to process the fact that she’s not comfortable with me physically even after all this time, but she’s so comfortable to kiss, make out or have s*x with a stranger.
Super Sorry for the long read. Please give me your honest insights.

My girlfriend(32F) and I(31M) are in a long distance relationship since a year and a half. We’re both in different countries, we met through a dating app. When we stumbled upon each other, she had just broken up with her ex for about 6 months and was healing from a toxic relationship. Her ex was emotionally abusive and It took a toll on her and she started to question her self confidence. She went through therapy but discontinued shortly as became expensive.
As we began our relationship, we set things straight that we were purely going to get to know each other and become good friends first and then see where it takes us. As we got to know each other more, I started to fall for her and I saw her as the most precious human, still do! She’s got amazing qualities, she’s super funny, she’s kind, she’s the sweetest to literally everyone, she’s got a beautiful heart and soul, she’s sexy and whatnot. But we decided we were not going to say “I love you” until we meet in person.
During this time of us getting to know each other, she told me that she didn’t find me attractive physically and we don’t have an emotional connection like how she does with a few of her friends. And we convinced each other that it’ll take time for all that as we’re still getting to know each other. She used to make fun of how I laugh all the time when I’m talking to her, she’d make fun of the way I talk, the way I eat, the way I dance or sing( which I understand, I suck) but I used to send her pictures and videos of me singing and dancing for her while I was thinking of her. She used to make fun of those too and asked me not to do anything “extra” and just myself. That was me being myself and I felt that she didn’t like it, so I stopped it all.
She told me that her ex and all her ex boyfriends were charming and had a great personality. And it made me feel a little low thinking that maybe she doesn’t find me charming. Maybe I wasn’t her type, but she used to tell me that I’ve made her feel so comfortable that she can be herself around me and she likes that a lot. And she told me that this is helping her heal from her past as she felt that she wasn’t able to be herself in her past relationship before me. I felt good and I wanted to make her feel more comfortable, so, when the time is right, she’ll feel things for me.
She once mentioned that her friend and her were laughing about how they’re not into guys who are inexperienced and they would never want to get into a relationship with a virgin. Me, being a virgin, I told her I’d been with 3 partners and have had s*x because again, because of what she said earlier, I got scared and lied. I shouldn’t have. I was in three other relationships(each not lasting more than 2yrs) but never had sex because I wanted to have sex with the one with whom I’d be certain I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. I never felt that way with any of my exes and never had sex but did other stuff.
While her on the other hand, has had a quite a few hookups, friends with benefit with 1 guy, and had sex with all 4 other partners from her long relationships( each 3 year long). This was all before meeting me and I told her it’s good that she was experienced and I’ll probably get to learn from her experience.
6 months into the relationship, she had come down to my country and we spent 2 days together. I really wanted to hug her so badly and kiss her. But when we hugged, she said she didn’t feel any butterflies and it was awkward. This made me feel really low, but I told myself that she’s probably still healing from her past and it may take time for her corn around and open her heart for me. Never kissed. She asked me for a kiss after our “awkward hug” but I was scared that if we kissed and if she didn’t feel anything, she’d end things between us.
We met again 3 months down the road, this time we spent a solid 10 days together. I was really excited and I thought by now, she’d be comfortable around me and probably have feelings for me. She said she did. And by this time, she told me she loves me for the first time. And I truly believed it. We kissed for the first time, we made out a little and it was all good. But didn’t have sex, while we were foreplaying, she asked me to put it in and I wanted to but my dck in but it wouldn’t turn on. I never had a problem with my dck not working while masturbating, I used to imagine doing a lot of sexy things with my girlfriend.
Mentally, I was under a lot of pressure, that she has had amazing sex from her ex partners and what if I disappoint her. She did tell me that in her previous relationship, she had orgasmed 7 times in 24 hrs. I tried to not think of it, but subconsciously, I wanted to be good too, make her feel good and I wanted to make her feel satisfied. Anyways, when she asked me what was wrong, I told her that I was a virgin and she said it was okay, I shouldn’t have lied to her, she comforted me saying we can have sex later when I’m comfortable and wanted to make it special.
I felt supported and safe. It was good. I regretted not telling her earlier. During this meet, though we kissed not more than 15seconds, foreplayed a little, she was not comfortable with me touching her tummy, touch her bum, or even take a look at her p*ssy. I was fine with it, I understood that it may be because of her insecurities and I kept praising her how hot she was and how much I find her sexy.
This trip ended and we met again 4 months down the line, only for 5 days but we couro spend the time together only for 2 days. We hugged and she again, said the hug was awkward. We kissed, but never made out more than 15seconds, I was playing around with her body and this time she let me kiss her tummy and bum. But didn’t let me take a look her p*ssy and I was still fine. I understood her that she needs more time to be physically comfortable.
She went back and after a couple of months, I asked her why she used to push me away while we were kissing. Even during our hugs, I wanted to hug her tightly, but she used to tap out 5 seconds into the hug. She said it was because it was summer, it was too hot. Then later, she told me that those were intimate things and it takes time for her to be intimate with her partner. I tried to understand.
TL/ DR - What bothers me is, while she had her hookups, friends with benefit stuff, she was with a stranger and she would let them touch her anywhere in the body, she’d let them kiss her, make out with her for as long as they want, she’d let them look at her whole body while they were having sex, but not me. I’ve made it clear with her multiple times that I’m here for good and I want her to my life partner and that I love her, and yet, she’s not comfortable with me even after 1.5 years of our relationship but she has been comfortable with strangers whom she had just met.
It makes me think, that she either find me unattractive or she doesn’t look at me that way, yet. She tells me that she loves me, she finds me attractive and wants to get married to me, but I’m not able to trust her words because of her actions when we were together in person.
I love her to the moon, she is my freaking moon. But I don’t know if there’s something wrong with my thinking, maybe she doesn’t find me sexy, maybe doesn’t see me as a bad boy like her exes.
I mean, I know things will get better as we close the distance in 1 year when I move to her country but right now; I’m finding it very difficult to process the fact that she’s not comfortable with me physically even after all this time, but she’s so comfortable to kiss, make out or have s*x with a stranger.
Super Sorry for the long read. Please give me your honest insights.

My girlfriend(32F) and I(31M) are in a long distance relationship since a year and a half. We’re both in different countries, we met through a dating app. When we stumbled upon each other, she had just broken up with her ex for about 6 months and was healing from a toxic relationship. Her ex was emotionally abusive and It took a toll on her and she started to question her self confidence. She went through therapy but discontinued shortly as became expensive.
As we began our relationship, we set things straight that we were purely going to get to know each other and become good friends first and then see where it takes us. As we got to know each other more, I started to fall for her and I saw her as the most precious human, still do! She’s got amazing qualities, she’s super funny, she’s kind, she’s the sweetest to literally everyone, she’s got a beautiful heart and soul, she’s sexy and whatnot. But we decided we were not going to say “I love you” until we meet in person.
During this time of us getting to know each other, she told me that she didn’t find me attractive physically and we don’t have an emotional connection like how she does with a few of her friends. And we convinced each other that it’ll take time for all that as we’re still getting to know each other. She used to make fun of how I laugh all the time when I’m talking to her, she’d make fun of the way I talk, the way I eat, the way I dance or sing( which I understand, I suck) but I used to send her pictures and videos of me singing and dancing for her while I was thinking of her. She used to make fun of those too and asked me not to do anything “extra” and just myself. That was me being myself and I felt that she didn’t like it, so I stopped it all.
She told me that her ex and all her ex boyfriends were charming and had a great personality. And it made me feel a little low thinking that maybe she doesn’t find me charming. Maybe I wasn’t her type, but she used to tell me that I’ve made her feel so comfortable that she can be herself around me and she likes that a lot. And she told me that this is helping her heal from her past as she felt that she wasn’t able to be herself in her past relationship before me. I felt good and I wanted to make her feel more comfortable, so, when the time is right, she’ll feel things for me.
She once mentioned that her friend and her were laughing about how they’re not into guys who are inexperienced and they would never want to get into a relationship with a virgin. Me, being a virgin, I told her I’d been with 3 partners and have had s*x because again, because of what she said earlier, I got scared and lied. I shouldn’t have. I was in three other relationships(each not lasting more than 2yrs) but never had sex because I wanted to have sex with the one with whom I’d be certain I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. I never felt that way with any of my exes and never had sex but did other stuff.
While her on the other hand, has had a quite a few hookups, friends with benefit with 1 guy, and had sex with all 4 other partners from her long relationships( each 3 year long). This was all before meeting me and I told her it’s good that she was experienced and I’ll probably get to learn from her experience.
6 months into the relationship, she had come down to my country and we spent 2 days together. I really wanted to hug her so badly and kiss her. But when we hugged, she said she didn’t feel any butterflies and it was awkward. This made me feel really low, but I told myself that she’s probably still healing from her past and it may take time for her corn around and open her heart for me. Never kissed. She asked me for a kiss after our “awkward hug” but I was scared that if we kissed and if she didn’t feel anything, she’d end things between us.
We met again 3 months down the road, this time we spent a solid 10 days together. I was really excited and I thought by now, she’d be comfortable around me and probably have feelings for me. She said she did. And by this time, she told me she loves me for the first time. And I truly believed it. We kissed for the first time, we made out a little and it was all good. But didn’t have sex, while we were foreplaying, she asked me to put it in and I wanted to but my dck in but it wouldn’t turn on. I never had a problem with my dck not working while masturbating, I used to imagine doing a lot of sexy things with my girlfriend.
Mentally, I was under a lot of pressure, that she has had amazing sex from her ex partners and what if I disappoint her. She did tell me that in her previous relationship, she had orgasmed 7 times in 24 hrs. I tried to not think of it, but subconsciously, I wanted to be good too, make her feel good and I wanted to make her feel satisfied. Anyways, when she asked me what was wrong, I told her that I was a virgin and she said it was okay, I shouldn’t have lied to her, she comforted me saying we can have sex later when I’m comfortable and wanted to make it special.
I felt supported and safe. It was good. I regretted not telling her earlier. During this meet, though we kissed not more than 15seconds, foreplayed a little, she was not comfortable with me touching her tummy, touch her bum, or even take a look at her p*ssy. I was fine with it, I understood that it may be because of her insecurities and I kept praising her how hot she was and how much I find her sexy.
This trip ended and we met again 4 months down the line, only for 5 days but we couro spend the time together only for 2 days. We hugged and she again, said the hug was awkward. We kissed, but never made out more than 15seconds, I was playing around with her body and this time she let me kiss her tummy and bum. But didn’t let me take a look her p*ssy and I was still fine. I understood her that she needs more time to be physically comfortable.
She went back and after a couple of months, I asked her why she used to push me away while we were kissing. Even during our hugs, I wanted to hug her tightly, but she used to tap out 5 seconds into the hug. She said it was because it was summer, it was too hot. Then later, she told me that those were intimate things and it takes time for her to be intimate with her partner. I tried to understand.
TL/ DR - What bothers me is, while she had her hookups, friends with benefit stuff, she was with a stranger and she would let them touch her anywhere in the body, she’d let them kiss her, make out with her for as long as they want, she’d let them look at her whole body while they were having sex, but not me. I’ve made it clear with her multiple times that I’m here for good and I want her to my life partner and that I love her, and yet, she’s not comfortable with me even after 1.5 years of our relationship but she has been comfortable with strangers whom she had just met.
It makes me think, that she either find me unattractive or she doesn’t look at me that way, yet. She tells me that she loves me, she finds me attractive and wants to get married to me, but I’m not able to trust her words because of her actions when we were together in person.
I love her to the moon, she is my freaking moon. But I don’t know if there’s something wrong with my thinking, maybe she doesn’t find me sexy, maybe doesn’t see me as a bad boy like her exes.
I mean, I know things will get better as we close the distance in 1 year when I move to her country but right now; I’m finding it very difficult to process the fact that she’s not comfortable with me physically even after all this time, but she’s so comfortable to kiss, make out or have s*x with a stranger.
Super Sorry for the long read. Please give me your honest insights.

The day is as hot as any other, but now that my body has come to expect it, I slip on a shirt, plus my beaded necklace, head out to the commons, sprawl in the grass, make like a solar panel and feel inspired. The heat is like a warm round of applause, and I begin reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s advice about mindfulness, happiness and impermanence, its adjacency to the lived experience of heaven on earth, which is more than enough incentive to cause an average summer reading program to really take off. Mindfulness is easily achieved on a day like today – really? challenge the clouds – the clouds are having dreams of being clouds, like each cloud has an aura, which is also made of cloud but wispier, resulting in a sky that dreams of being sky. Maybe the sky is the illustrious career of whoever painted the clouds onto it. They urge the mind to take a breather.
So I try to keep my eyes on the page, and for a few minutes that goes great, but then something tickles my neck, and a minute later, something tickles my wrist, a minute after that, something prompts me to imagine the feminine spirit of nature gently grazing my scalp with a fingertip, as though moving concepts around in my head by force of will, and my experience of time does change – I can feel it – and that present-tense notion of time seems to corroborate the story that vacant commons areas on a sunny spring afternoon aren’t really vacant at all. In point of fact, if the whole place were crowded with people, it wouldn’t much budge an expert’s estimate of the total life already there – average natural abundance is so awe-inspiring to begin with. There are half a billion blades of grass, for instance – I did the math. Who knows how many million ants.
Something tickles my shoulder – I mindfully stop what I’m doing, brush myself off, check out a tiny beetle bug with an orange spot on its back that landed in my lap. A black ant longer than my thumbnail charges down my pant leg. A plant-hopper stops on my knee, and it is a shade of green impossible to believe, a brightness that glows. It adjusts its direction ceremoniously, like it’s consulted some interior atlas of becoming, then leaps away. In the grass on a day like today, the mindfulness tends to find you, and I know the longer I sit there, the more likely I will be to never get up – to get lost in the crowd of life, which at this time of year is surging upward and outward and downward, even as its making trillions of babies to sail through the air. I watch a seed-dreaming-of-seeds levitate above the grass, climb over the treetops, vanish in the clouds.
If humanity has a brilliance unobserved, I nominate our ability to turn the life of potential into the lived existence of the actual – we do it all the time, compulsively even, a term of agreement practically, with occurrence in all its forms. With every breath and wheeze, every eye blink and heartbeat, every ideation of color, form, and sequence – we are self-conscious standard bearers of the present. Or so we would like to believe – the clouds above are panoramic to a degree that gives the stuff of the earth, just being the stuff of the earth, the starring role no matter who we get to stand in front of them, how many skylines we erect. The clouds seem nude in a way, like their striking dramatic poses for the students to sketch with sticks of charcoal. These aren’t the sort of clouds that make it rain, at least not on us. They seem intent on foreseeing the future.
Can clouds do that? If the mind is a kind of cloud, then of course they can, though what follows is soon followed by a desire to shape the future, at which point the clouds check the time, gaze off into the distance, then hurry on, all of which is plenty true of the human mind. Hey, what’s for dinner? I make red beans and rice for the umpteenth time in my life, set the pot to boil, then forget about it, which is an instance of learned incompetence in that, when I finally remember to set the timer, I always end up leaving the pot on the stove ten-minutes too long, and that causes the bottom layer of rb-and-r to caramelize, which deglazes itself when the food cools, and the resulting dish is so substantial – so actualized of its potential – that being mindful of my eating is a pleasure – the rice’n’beans, the parts like hash browns – they rise to my lips like book pages.
This compassionate attention to the value of the actual is not evenly distribute in my life – not even close – such that my living space is more like the sort of hollow that wild mammals tend to prize, the ones they were hole up in all winter long, which was only a couple of month ago, remember – the squirrels still remember that week in January when life in the outdoors passed through a sub-zero death zone. I see three yearling squirrels dancing around the most westward of the sycamores out front. I stop in my tracks, give them time to see me with their fresh social constructs – two hang on either side of the tree, looking at me directly, curiously, and the third is poised at the base of the power box. Power? Don’t do it, I project telepathically – whatever it is, just don’t do it. Your existential task is to unearth vintage nuts, not disrupt global authority.
Or proceed as you please – it’s up to you. How much trouble can the three cutest mammals on the block get into on a day like today? I make a clicking sound by pulling the tip of my tongue off the roof of my mouth, an aural expression I equate with speaking squirrel – I come in peace, I want it to mean. If I had something in my pocket to feed them, the whole interaction would be complete, but I’m empty handed then, so we end up inching toward each other for a minute, get in some good meet-and-greet get-to-know-you time. This probably happens every spring, urges me to carry baggies of popcorn on my person when I’m outside, fantasize about squirrels sitting at the picnic table with me, rubbing their fuzzy ears against my chin, buttoning my shirt for me.
We’re in it together – this is what nature told me today and what I think about later in my peace church loft, which sounds like a brand of sustainability, when someday they sell such a thing to the average consumer. Peace Church Loft – what everyone will be into one day, like an incense fragrance, an aural sensation, more or less guaranteed to produce a life sustained. Faith finds its resurgence when new congregations manifest in the environment in order to erect churches that brim with lofts. Thich Nhat Hanh advises: As soon as we understand the causes and nature of our feelings, they begin to transform themselves. Themselves – they transform themselves when we understand. The nature of the universe is to grow reality by comprehending it, a little better tomorrow than today. A ghostly finger grazes fine hairs on my neck, draws a line to my earlobe.

Hey everyone. I wrote this a while ago and never did anything with it. Just seeing what other people think, and if it's worth continuing.
The black Monte Carlo sped north on Third, passing Pike Street and slowing down before hitting Pine Street. The sidewalks were littered with detritus, both the organic and inorganic varieties. It was hard to distinguish between the piles of trash and the drug addicts huddled under their blankets, sitting on the sidewalk, waiting for someone to give them money or someone to sell them drugs. The car slowed even more as they saw a prospective customer. It was a black car with blacked out windows. 22 inch low profile tires, mag rims. It passed Pine, drove another block and hung a right onto Stewart.
Astrid twisted the throttle of her bike to keep the car in sight. She’d been tailing it for half an hour, ever since it had stopped at Jenny’s house. Astrid knew exactly why it had been there, and she wasn’t happy about it at all. Jenny had spent a long time getting clean, getting off the street. Building a life that didn’t involve drugs or selling herself at the whim of some pimp. When Jenny had called Astrid in tears, it took everything she had not to run over there and be the comforting shoulder. But sometimes you needed to take a different tact, and Jenny had shoulders aplenty to cry on. The punks in the car had leaned on Jenny, trying to get her back in the business. They thought they could intimidate her into compliance. Nobody knew how the punks had gotten her info, but there they were, big as life and twice as ugly. Astrid had gotten a description of the punks and their car, and caught up to them as they made their way down Broadway on Capitol Hill, and then down University Street to downtown Seattle. There was enough light from streetlights and buildings that Astrid reached down and flicked a switch that turned her headlights off. It had cost a bit of money to have that installed. It made the matte-black bike almost invisible at night. Couple that with some very expensive exhaust that muted the bike into almost complete silence, and if you weren’t looking at her you wouldn’t notice that she was riding by. Which also made it a lot more dangerous to be riding at night, but what Astrid wanted to do required at least a little bit of surprise. That made it worth the risk.
The car turned right again on 5^th Avenue and made a circle to come back to Third. Astrid knew they wouldn’t get out of the car to do their deals. That made her job a bit more difficult, but still possible. She copied their turn and hung back a bit, letting them find their spot. The car slowed more and pulled over to the curb. A few of the vagrants got up and stumbled over to the passenger window, where transactions were made, some silent, some not so much. There was little fear of any cops doing anything. The Seattle PD had been neutered for some years, and now the drug dealers, addicts and various other flavor of criminals ruled the streets.
Astrid pulled her bike to the curb behind the Monte Carlo and turned it off. She doubted anyone could find the start button since she had it moved, but there was no need to tempt anyone with a running engine. She walked quietly up the driver’s side of the car. Her black leathers and black helment left her as a silhouette on shadow. The driver’s window was down, and the smell of marijuana smoke made her nose wrinkle. The people in the car were focused on the vagrant who was haggling for more of whatever they were selling, and she was able to walk up to the driver’s window without anyone even noticing she was there. As she walked she pulled her silenced Walther P22 from her jacket. People can laugh at the 22 Long Rifle all they want. Pea shooter. Not a real bullet. Get a real gun. Whatever. That little bullet came out humming, and at close range she didn’t need a bigger gun. It wasn’t going to bounce off a human skull when it was fired from six inches away, it was going in nice and deep.
The man in the driver’s seat managed to notice that someone was at his window about a second before Astrid pulled the trigger.
People who have only seen guns in movies tend to think that a silenced firearm just makes a little “pff” noise when it’s fired. That’s not the case. There’s still an explosion going on in your hand, and that explosion makes noise. Especially in a semi-automatic firearm, where the slide cycles back to eject the spent casing. Noise escapes. Noise escapes from the silencer as well, it’s just not as loud. Anyone who’s aware and alert would know that a gun had just been fired. With a super-sonic round, there’s also the “crack” of the bullet traveling through the air above the speed of sound, but when your target is six inches away from the muzzle that’s less of an issue.
The driver had not been aware, nor alert. He was now slumped in his seat, eyes opened wide in an astonished stare as his brain functions ceased thanks to a 40 grain bullet traveling at 1260 feet per second. The passenger, bags of drugs still in his hand, was now aware but not alert. Either he was too stoned to know what had just happened, or the years of drug use made his brain operate slower than it normally would. He stared as Astrid shifted her aim and pulled the trigger again.
Funny thing about silencers – they take some time to warm up. The hot gasses pushing the bullet down the barrel get into the baffles of the silencer and make the next shots even less noisy. There’s still noise, and again, if someone were aware and alert they would know that a gun had just been fired. The passenger slumped sideways in his seat as the bullet hit him dead center on the side of his head. The vagrant who had been hassling him for drugs gaped, looking over the roof of the car at Astrid. He blinked, trying to process what he had seen, and Astrid wondered if she would have to take him out as well. He looked down at the dead drug dealer, then reached into the car and grabbed as many little baggies as he could before hauling ass down the sidewalk.
Astrid walked back to her bike, stomach clenching. She grit her teeth against the urge to vomit as she threw her leg over the seat and fired the engine to life. She pulled away from the curb and drove two blocks before turning her headlights on. She turned right onto Cedar Street, then continued on to Fifth Avenue North, driving past the gleaming metal shell of the Experience Music Project. She made it to Mercer Street before she had to pull over and rip her helmet off, then proceeded to vomit into the grass next to the sidewalk. Nobody bothered to give her a second look. Some lady puking her guts out? Just another druggie in downtown Seattle. Nothing to see here. In the midst of her vomit session a tiny thought in the back of her head wondered if she could find a modular helmet so she wouldn’t have to take the entire helmet off when she puked. She would have giggled if she wasn’t throwing up.
Once she’d emptied the contents of her stomach on the grass she put her helmet back on and rolled through the stoplight, turning right onto Mercer and taking a zig-zag route back to her house. She altered her speed several times, slowing down and then speeding up and making sharp turns to see if she was being followed. There wasn’t a tail in sight and it was doubtful there would be. She desperately needed a drink to get the taste out of her mouth. Her stomach rolled again, and she gagged before managing to get her body under control. As she rode under the Highway 99 overpass, she could feel the tears rolling down her face. Again. The one action of her body that she could never seem to control. But she was working on it.

Hi! This is going to be a long one/rant and story because I really don’t know who to talk to about this in real life because I’m not in therapy and I’m so embarrassed to be feeling this way knowing I made all the choices to be here and people are already flying in from out of state to come to our wedding. Also I’m diagnosed adhd incase any of yall are wondering what’s wrong with me once I tell you all the decisions I made to get here. I am getting married in three months and have a son who is 15 months old. My now fiance 28m and I 27f met whenever we were thirteen years old in middle school and started a tumultuous up and down / on and off again relationship. We were together all the way up until junior year in high school and we broke up. I come from a broken home and he does not. Looking back I realize how much of me staying with him and trying to keep his attention stemmed from my abandonment issues that I must have had from my own parents. After we broke up he joined a gang in my local hometown and I was still in love with him so I decided to still be involved with him even though I was not in a relationship with him. I ended up losing my virginity to him while we were not together just because I wanted to be with him and we said we were friends with benefits but really I was just in love with him and thought by doing that maybe he would want to be with me again but he didn’t and continued to sleep with other girls and do drugs. I also started doing drugs like Xanax and smoking to fit in with him and be cool. I ended up getting a horrible tattoo because one of the other girls he was also seeing had a bunch of tattoos. I dropped out of my high school college courses and ended up going to jail for marijuana in high school and got kicked out of cheer and softball. I ended up on probation and having to be drug tested for a year. Within that year after being heart broken and realizing nothing I did would make him change into who he was before he got involved in our local gang or make him want to be with me… I ended up enrolling in college and getting accepted to a university where I would move about two hours away from our home town to live on campus and study to be a nurse. While on probation, so I couldn’t really party or anything in college which was good (even though I was never really addicted to anything and it wouldn’t be that hard for me) I wanted to save money for a car so I ended up getting a job at the hooters next to my college and was in college full time and working at hooters. My sister happened to go to that same college before I did and live in that town with her ex bf and they would give me rides to and from work back to campus. Low and behold after about two semesters of me being in college and finally feeling like I was moving on from him, he came back messaging me and telling me he missed me and wanted to be with me again. I was stupid and so excited that I agreed and asked him to come see me at college where he would stay for the weekend and we would have an amazing time. I felt so good about myself doing what I was doing and being able to show my growth. Despite all that he was still able to convince me to leave school and come back to be with him and live with him and go to the college near our hometown and work at the hooters near our hometown. I had already felt like I didn’t want to be a nurse at the time because my sister who was a nurse told me you could never leave the state as a nurse if you get your license there (which she didn’t know at the time that you could) and I knew I didn’t want to stay where I was from and wanted to eventually travel. So I decided to leave and move back with him in his bedroom at his parents house where I would work at the hooters close to our home town and never enroll in the college. He would eventually break up with me while I was at work one day even though I was living with him and since I didn’t have a car he continued to take me back in forth from work and I continued to live with him and continued to be in love with him while he committed to the fact that he didn’t want to be in a relationship but wanted to marry me one day and just wasn’t ready for anything right now and still wanted to have sex with me which I did. From working at hooters I had auditioned for the calendar and ended up being really liked by the photographer and started doing some modeling from that which was super exciting for me because I always was interested in that and the pictures we took would blow up and I started getting well known in my area for modeling even though they were just pictures and I wasn’t making any money off of it. Eventually a guy came into hooters telling me about working as an exotic dancer and how much they could make and I still needed a car really badly and was desperate to get out of my ex’s (now fiance) house. So I told him I would be waitressing and that I heard the waitresses make good money there and asked him to give me a ride there one day and so he started giving me a ride everyday. The money was so good to me and the most money I had ever seen. I ended up staying in a hotel closer to the club I worked at and sometimes he would come stay with me and I would just uber to work. Eventually I had gotten a car which I was so happy about. A couple of weeks after I got a car I ended up getting sucked into human trafficking with a friend where I would live in a house with multiple girls for 6 months and go to work at the club every day of the week except Saturday and Sundays. I wasn’t doing anything extra just dancing but the money was going to some random guy. It’s crazy I know. I was stupid and young and my family were not concerned for me at all or involved in my life. unfortunately my friend is just now leaving that situation. I got out without anything no car or nothing and had nowhere to go so back to my exes I went where I decided I was going to buy a cash car again and I worked everyday like I was used to saved money and got a car. Moved to my sisters and stayed with her for a little where i decided I didn’t want to dance anymore and I got a job as a bottle service girl and then waitressing at another waitress. I continued modeling because it made me happy and I never told anyone the truth about the deep things that were happening in my life except for my now fiance. So nobody had no idea about me dancing or the human trafficking or anything. Everyone just knew I modeled. I ended up getting an apartment with some friends and One day I got the urge to go to California randomly and at my waitressing job I was handed $800 and I took it as a sign and booked a flight the next day. Where I went by myself my first time ever on a flight with no plans at all. The day I got there I got asked to be in a commercial two days later. My roommate and her friends flew out there to get me and she ended up being able to be in the commercial with me which ended up on tbs but I had to go back home to my apartment and responsibilities and couldn’t leave my roommate stranded. Even though months later we would end up getting in an argument and I’d move out and move back with my ex (now fiance) where I would continue to work and model (for free) and went back to the club to dance and then my sister ended up going to California for a travel nursing assignment and her and her bf broke up and she asked me to move with her. I had nothing else here, my ex was still saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship, he was consistently sleeping with other girls while we lived together and expected relationship things from me. I was paying for everything for him. I paid for him while he was in school for audio engineer, his gas, lunch, school clothes, shopping, I helped him open his own studio and bought his equipment and Mac for it, even though his parents were very involved in his life. I got all his family bday gifts and Christmas gifts every year. He was honestly just using me but I was so in love and blind. He encouraged me to go to California too so I had nothing else there for me, if he had told me to stay and he wanted to be with me I would’ve. I flew out on my 21st birthday and met my sister and Vegas where we would have such a great time and my ex spent that day hanging out with a girl that tried to fight me and didn’t even tell me happy birthday, I was crying in the bathroom in Vegas until my sister shook me and told me to get it together we’re in Vegas. I was so heart broken to be leaving him but he didn’t care. I got to LA and I instantly started modeling on day one I booked a photo shoot where I met a guy that reminded me of my ex (I know) but we instantly clicked and he was 7 years older than me. We ended up talking for a little bit and pursuing something even though I wasn’t ready emotionally but he didn’t really care and I was kind of star struck a little because he was a music producer for a very famous musician and he was very persistent but that’s another story. I ended up booking a music video as a main girl for my ex’s (now fiance) favorite artist. When it came out it was crazy because I felt like the universe and God was just blessing me for leaving that situation and I knew he would see it because he was so obsessed with that artist and it shook up the whole small town I was from. After that I booked a lot of cool jobs like Sephora and worked with a lot of companies, and did some music videos for other super famous artists, and walked in fashion shows and modeled for clothing brands etc. I was working all the time as an extra to pay my bills and I was meeting cool people. I was always getting invited to celebrities parties and just having such a fun time. I decided to start getting into acting instead and started going to acting school where a lot of well known celebrities also went to and I started having meetings with very popular directors and I was being mentored by famous directors and another person that created an tv entertainment channel that I won’t say here also mentored me a lot and got me a lot of meetings with these people and would go to dinners and stuff etc with a list celebrities. I truly was living the life. And coming from where I can it was almost a dream. I had gotten in a relationship my first year there with that other guy I mentioned who ended up being super possessive of me but he treated me like a queen in the sense of paying for everything, giving me a safe space to tell my feelings, open up, the sex was amazing, he would take me on trips, took me out of the country for the first time. We ended up not working out due to lifestyle differences and just being at two different places and wanting different things. He wanted to move out of the country and have a farm and I wasn’t ready to do that as I wanted to focus on my career. (But I would die to move out of the country on a farm now ironically and he is doing just that now like he said he would haha) anyway, I ended up having my own studio apartment by myself that I loved so much and was so proud of. My sister had moved to Montana and it took a lot for me to get my apartment like staying in a house with other girls for a little to sleeping in my car and at a spa for a couple days. When I would fly home or drive home to see my family I would always see my ex, everytime. We kept a friendship and sometimes I would still help him out if needed, he was interning at a church through his school for audio engineering and recording people at his studio in our hometown. By this time I was going to New York and Miami also sometimes and doing work there. I wasn’t as stressed about bills anymore. I was seeing guys every now and then but not at all interested in a relationship, my heart was still healing from the past and both my exes but mainly my first (now fiance). I was super focused on my career and optimistic, I was used to the grind and in no way ever thinking of quitting. It just wasn’t an option because I knew I would make it wherever that would be because to me that is all I had for me and all I ever knew I wanted and the only thing that saved me. Skip to around October 2019 I had found out about a girl my ex was seeing and it crushed me. He was doing with her just like he was with me though. Just “friends with benefits” I was living in my apartment in LA still and my uncle that helped raise me was getting really sick back home and put on hospice so I decided to take a trip back to see him. I would go to restaurants in my state and near my home town and people would ask to take pictures with me, and at the little ceasars drive through someone asked if I was me and stuff it was crazy because I hadn’t been home in awhile and I felt like what I was doing was finally paying off and people were recognizing me. It was surreal. I ended up going to see my ex. I had such a fear of losing him to this other girl for some reason. I was so scared he would get her pregnant or get in a serious relationship since I was gone so far away and I would never be with him, I would end up sleeping with him again and the girl found out and drove by his house mad and cussing me out and throwing stuff at me. We ended up getting in a fight which is so embarrassing and beneath me. I ended up crying to him that I wanted to be with him and don’t know why he never wanted to be with me which at this time he honestly was not even in my playing field anymore. He told me if I wanted to be with him I had to move back to my hometown.. my heart dropped to my stomach and I knew it wasn’t what I was supposed to do but I said okay… all because this is what I had wanted all those years. I decided to stay where the next two years all I would think about everyday was I was making the wrong decision and needed to go back to my life. My hometown had nothing for me.. COVID hit a couple months after me being there and we were terrified. We ended up getting everything out of my apartment and moving into a house around the corner from his parents. I had to tell him how I liked to communicate now without yelling and stuff which I learned from the boyfriend I had in LA and that I wasn’t going to put up with that disrespect but he never listened. Eventually everything went back to normal. I ended up going back to the club again dancing because I didn’t want to go backward and model here. He never wanted me to go back to LA even for a little bit even though that’s where my career and heart was so I had no idea what to do with my life. I started waitressing as well and getting back on my adhd meds. People started pressuring us to get pregnant and we tried for a year and 6 months. The month I found out I was pregnant before I knew, I quit my job and decided I was going to move back and get my life back. Two days later I found out I was pregnant…. Finally after trying for over a year. Our relationship was toxic just like the past he always yelled, I could never talk to him about my feelings without him saying I was trying to fight, he spit in my face once, threatened me, put his hands on me, he would tell me he was going to take my baby away from me as soon as I had it. I started asking him about getting married while I was pregnant and the proposal wasn’t even that. He got mad at me for asking one day and walked in the room and handed me the ring. It didn’t fit because I was pregnant & it was $27 (not that that matters but the proposal sucked).. he drained both my bank accounts and they closed it, charged my credit card up and put me in debt, he has not let me do anything I want to do like school or anything. He is so bad with money. He has an action figure addiction and at one point was spending 3k on action figures every month and turned one of the rooms in our house into a collection room so I had to take everything out of my closet and put my sons crib in there for the first year of his life. we have good times and I feel comfortable with him. He knows everything about me but he doesn’t respect me and sometimes I feel like he is intimidated by me. The sex isn’t good at all we always just ask “do you want to have sex” he never gives oral or foreplay, I never get pleasure. He’s an amazing dad though and loves his son. We have the most sweet and beautiful little boy now who I love so much and he loves him also. He’s very attentive to his son. But I still feel unheard. I can’t talk about my feelings. If I do it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change anything. He is so defensive and we never communicate for a solution it’s always just pointing fingers. I have started yelling again because I’m so used to it now and I hate it because I grew up like that and I finally grew out of it until I got back with him and recently started again and now he throws it in my face and knows I begged him not to do it forever but he never stopped and now I am too. I’ve asked him to take me to the movies and he hasn’t still. I just ask for more romance and stuff but it just feels like I have a roommate. I have nothing now. I had my car and we traded it in for a new car that he wanted. I always dreamed of the next car I’d get once I paid it off but he got it & it’s in his name now so I paid it off for nothing. I’m driving around his dream car. I’ve been planning our wedding since I birthed our son and everything is going good. Money is tight. He works at the church now full time and makes about 45k a year or so, my son has been waiting to start daycare for awhile so I have been home with him. I’ve tried starting jobs multiple times but he is against it unless it’s super fast money like going to the club which I am so repulsed by and absolutely hate it now. I tried going back to college but my old college won’t release my transcripts for fasfa because I owe them money. I started cosmetology school a few months ago which he was all for but two months in freaked out and him and his mom guilt tripped me that we can’t handle this right now and he was having a hard time doing the night time routine for the baby while I was at school so I had to leave and now owe that’s school for my kit unless I enroll again in 128 days. I also miss modeling so much and sometimes think I can start again but it’s been five years. My body is so different too after a baby. Everything I want is a no go. Especially moving out of our hometown. He says he wants to but I don’t think he does. We are constantly at his moms and dads and they tell us all the time we aren’t moving anywhere which is really hard for me as this place is super toxic for my soul. Anytime I get money he spends it. Anytime I save money he spends it. Even if it does go towards our bills. His action figure habit is almost nonexistent now and he has grown a lot in the past few months from that since I demanded my son have his own bedroom after his first bday and all his figures are in boxes now and told him he could turn the shed into his man cave. He says we can’t save because we have nothing to save after bills but I believe in saving anything even $5 a paycheck. It’s doable. I grew up poor so this is nothing to me but after living the lifestyle I lived in LA and going out with guys that respected me and cherished me it’s hard. I know nobody is perfect but we are about to get married and I’m scared… I have nothing though anymore. I’ve threatened to leave a couple times and he says he will take me to court and take my baby. I’m scared he might. I don’t want my son to be angry like him or not respect women how he does. In public he’s a saint. He also has a very supportive family that it’s almost toxic. They all blame me for his anger issues and say I make him that way. But he’s been punching walls since I met him in 8th grade. I know it’s not because of me. But I have nobody else and nowhere else to go. No money. No car. I’m at the bottom again where I was before. Only difference is now I have a son. And we are getting married in three months and I can’t call it off. I am older now and looking back on my life I realize he maybe truly never loved me and I was just so desperate for love. I got myself here nobody else. I accepted everything, even when my gut told me not to. ( he is not just horrible, he’s a great person just with some bad qualities like everyone but I’m tired of feeling stuck with someone that never truly wanted me and doesn’t care to grow in some ways or show me )
Please help.. what do I do?

The history of tarot is a fascinating journey that spans centuries and traverses various cultures. The origins of tarot cards can be traced back to 15th-century Italy, where they emerged as playing cards. The initial purpose of these decks was purely recreational, serving as a game known as "tarocchi" or "triumphi."

1. Early Playing Cards (15th Century):
   
   • Origin: Tarot cards likely originated in northern Italy in the early 15th century. The oldest surviving complete deck is the "Visconti-Sforza" deck, dating back to the 1440s.
   • Function: Originally used for games, tarot decks were adorned with symbolic imagery, including allegorical illustrations and trump cards.
2. Tarot in France (Late 15th Century):
   
   • Migration: Tarot cards crossed into France in the late 15th century, and the game evolved with the addition of the 22 trump cards, known as the Major Arcana.
   • Symbolism: The Major Arcana introduced iconic characters and archetypal symbols, enhancing the cards' allegorical significance.
3. Occult Associations (18th Century):
   
   • Esoteric Interest: In the 18th century, interest in the occult and mystical arts surged in Europe. Tarot cards gained esoteric significance, with scholars attributing hidden meanings to the cards beyond their gaming purpose.
   • Etteilla: The French occultist Etteilla published influential tarot interpretations, contributing to the transformation of tarot into a tool for divination and self-discovery.
4. The Rider-Waite-Smith Deck (Early 20th Century):
   
   • Revolutionary Design: In 1909, A.E. Waite and Pamela Colman Smith collaborated on the Rider-Waite-Smith deck, featuring vivid illustrations and intricate symbolism. This deck became immensely popular and served as the foundation for many modern tarot decks.
   • Divinatory Focus: The Rider-Waite-Smith deck emphasized the mystical and divinatory aspects of tarot, influencing the widespread adoption of tarot for spiritual and introspective purposes.
5. Tarot in the New Age Movement (20th Century Onward):
   
   • Popularization: The mid-20th century witnessed a surge in interest in mysticism, the occult, and alternative spiritual practices. Tarot cards gained popularity within the New Age movement, becoming a tool for self-reflection, divination, and personal growth.
   • Diverse Decks: The latter half of the 20th century saw the creation of diverse tarot decks, each with unique themes and interpretations, catering to different spiritual traditions and personal preferences.
6. Modern Tarot Practices (21st Century):
   
   • Global Appeal: Tarot has transcended cultural boundaries and gained a global following. The internet has played a significant role in disseminating tarot knowledge, making it accessible to a diverse audience.
   • Integration with Psychology: Many practitioners view tarot through a psychological lens, using the cards as a tool for introspection, therapy, and personal development.

The historical evolution of tarot reflects its transformation from a simple deck of playing cards to a versatile tool for divination, self-exploration, and spiritual guidance. Today, tarot continues to captivate individuals worldwide, offering a unique blend of ancient symbolism and contemporary relevance.

1. Diverse Tarot Systems and Cultural Influences:
   
   • Cultural Adaptations: Tarot has adapted to various cultural contexts, leading to the creation of decks that draw inspiration from different mythologies, traditions, and artistic styles.
   • Themed Decks: Modern tarot enthusiasts can explore decks inspired by Norse mythology, Celtic traditions, Eastern philosophies, and more, allowing for a rich diversity of interpretations and connections.
2. Tarot and Popular Culture:
   
   • Media Exposure: Tarot has found its way into mainstream media, with references in literature, movies, and television series. This exposure has contributed to its widespread recognition and acceptance.
   • Creative Interpretations: Popular culture has inspired artists and creators to produce tarot decks with themes ranging from fantasy and science fiction to contemporary pop culture references, showcasing the adaptability of tarot symbolism.
3. Tarot in Digital Age:
   
   • Online Platforms: The digital age has transformed tarot readings, making them accessible through online platforms and mobile apps. Virtual tarot readings and communities provide a global forum for discussion and learning.
   • Digital Decks: Tarot decks are now available in digital formats, enabling users to explore and engage with the cards through virtual platforms, expanding the reach of tarot practices.
4. Tarot as a Personalized Tool:
   
   • Self-Expression: Many individuals now create their own tarot decks, infusing personal symbols, experiences, and artistic styles into the cards. This personalized approach enhances the connection between the user and the cards.
   • Intuitive Reading: Modern tarot practices often emphasize intuitive reading, encouraging users to trust their instincts and personal interpretations rather than relying strictly on traditional meanings.
5. Scientific and Skeptical Perspectives:
   
   • Psychology and Tarot: Some psychologists view tarot as a projective tool that can tap into the unconscious mind, offering insights into one's thoughts and emotions.
   • Skepticism and Tarot: Skeptics often approach tarot from a psychological or statistical standpoint, exploring the phenomenon through the lens of cognitive biases and the placebo effect.
6. Tarot Communities and Education:
   
   • Learning Resources: The availability of books, online courses, and workshops has contributed to the education and skill development of tarot practitioners. This has empowered individuals to deepen their understanding of tarot symbolism and interpretation.
   • Community Engagement: Tarot communities, both online and offline, provide platforms for sharing experiences, seeking guidance, and fostering a sense of community among practitioners.

As tarot continues to evolve, its rich history merges with contemporary influences, shaping a dynamic and diverse landscape. Whether embraced for spiritual guidance, artistic expression, or personal insight, tarot remains a versatile and enduring tool that resonates with individuals on their unique journeys of self-discovery.

1. Tarot Ethics and Professionalization:
   
   • Code of Ethics: In modern tarot practices, professional readers often adhere to ethical guidelines. These guidelines emphasize confidentiality, client empowerment, and responsible use of divination tools.
   • Certification and Training: Some tarot practitioners pursue formal training and certification programs to enhance their skills and professionalism, contributing to the recognition of tarot reading as a legitimate and ethical practice.
2. Scientific Research on Tarot:
   
   • Psychological Studies: While scientific research on tarot is limited, some studies explore the psychological aspects of tarot reading. Research has investigated how individuals interpret symbols, engage in reflective thinking, and experience a sense of empowerment through tarot readings.
   • Cognitive Science Perspectives: Tarot's intersection with cognitive science has led to examinations of how the mind processes symbolic information and the impact of belief systems on perception.
3. Tarot and Intersectionality:
   
   • Inclusivity: Tarot communities increasingly emphasize inclusivity, recognizing the importance of diverse perspectives, cultures, and identities. Decks that reflect a broader range of experiences and backgrounds contribute to a more inclusive tarot landscape.
   • Intersectional Readings: Practitioners may integrate intersectionality into their readings, acknowledging the complexity of individual identities and experiences within a broader social context.
4. Tarot's Influence on Art and Literature:
   
   • Literary Works: Tarot symbolism has inspired numerous works of literature, poetry, and art. Authors and artists often incorporate tarot themes to explore psychological, spiritual, and philosophical concepts.
   • Tarot in Visual Arts: Tarot continues to be a muse for visual artists, with contemporary artworks reimagining and interpreting the traditional tarot archetypes in new and innovative ways.
5. Tarot and Holistic Wellness:
   
   • Mind-Body-Spirit Connection: Tarot is increasingly integrated into holistic wellness practices that emphasize the interconnectedness of mind, body, and spirit. It complements approaches like meditation, mindfulness, and energy healing.
   • Wellness Retreats and Workshops: Wellness retreats and workshops may incorporate tarot as a tool for self-reflection, personal growth, and stress reduction, aligning with the broader holistic wellness movement.
6. Tarot and Technology Integration:
   
   • Mobile Apps and Online Platforms: Technology has facilitated the accessibility of tarot through mobile apps and online platforms, offering virtual readings, digital decks, and interactive tarot experiences.
   • Augmented Reality and Virtual Reality: Emerging technologies like augmented reality (AR) and virtual reality (VR) have the potential to transform tarot experiences, providing immersive and interactive readings.

The ongoing evolution of tarot reflects its adaptability to societal changes, technological advancements, and a growing understanding of its psychological and symbolic dimensions. As it continues to weave through various aspects of contemporary life, tarot remains a dynamic and versatile tool with enduring relevance.

1. Tarot and Social Media:
   
   • Online Communities: Social media platforms, such as Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube, have become hubs for tarot enthusiasts. Tarot readers share daily card pulls, interpretations, and create educational content, fostering a vibrant online community.
   • Global Connections: Social media has facilitated global connections among tarot practitioners, allowing for the exchange of diverse perspectives, interpretations, and deck recommendations.
2. Tarot in Mental Health Practices:
   
   • Therapeutic Applications: Some mental health professionals incorporate tarot into therapeutic practices, using it as a tool for self-reflection, exploration of emotions, and promoting therapeutic dialogue.
   • Mindfulness and Coping: Tarot readings can be used as a mindfulness practice, helping individuals cultivate self-awareness and coping strategies for managing stress, anxiety, and mental health challenges.
3. Tarot's Evolving Symbolism:
   
   • Living Symbolism: Tarot symbolism is not static; it evolves over time. Modern tarot decks often reinterpret traditional symbols to reflect contemporary values, ensuring that the cards remain relevant and resonant with current cultural contexts.
   • Innovative Decks: Artists continue to create innovative tarot decks that explore diverse themes, introducing new symbols and archetypes that speak to a wide range of experiences.
4. Tarot and Ritual Practices:
   
   • Ritualistic Use: Tarot is incorporated into various ritual practices, from simple daily card pulls to more elaborate ceremonies. These rituals can serve as a form of meditation, intention-setting, or connection with spiritual energies.
   • Seasonal Celebrations: Some practitioners align tarot practices with seasonal changes, using specific spreads or decks to explore themes associated with the solstices, equinoxes, and other significant astrological events.
5. Tarot and Gender Representation:
   
   • Expanding Archetypes: Modern tarot decks often challenge traditional gender roles and expand archetypal representations. Decks may feature diverse gender identities and expressions, offering a more inclusive and fluid understanding of the archetypal energies within the cards.
   • Feminist Tarot: Some decks explicitly adopt feminist perspectives, reimagining traditional tarot symbolism to empower and celebrate the diverse experiences of individuals across the gender spectrum.
6. Tarot as Literary Inspiration:
   
   • Literary Works and Tarot: Tarot continues to inspire literary works, with novels, poems, and plays incorporating tarot themes and archetypes. Authors explore the psychological and symbolic depths of tarot, infusing their narratives with mystical and esoteric elements.
   • Narrative Exploration: Tarot's narrative potential serves as a source of inspiration for storytellers, offering a structure that mirrors the hero's journey or provides a framework for exploring characters' internal and external conflicts.

The dynamic interplay between tarot and contemporary culture reveals its enduring appeal and adaptability. From social media platforms to therapeutic practices, tarot remains a versatile tool that resonates with individuals seeking insight, connection, and personal growth in an ever-changing world.
In conclusion, the history and evolution of tarot reflect its remarkable journey from humble playing cards to a multifaceted tool deeply embedded in modern culture. As tarot continues to weave its way through diverse aspects of society, from online communities to therapeutic practices, its enduring relevance lies in its adaptability, symbolism, and capacity to inspire self-discovery.
From the mysterious origins of the 15th century to its current role as a global phenomenon, tarot has transcended cultural and historical boundaries. As it integrates with technology, influences art and literature, and finds new applications in mental health and wellness, tarot remains a dynamic force that resonates with those seeking spiritual insights, artistic expression, and personal transformation.
Whether approached through a psychological lens, as a form of self-reflection, or as part of broader cultural movements, tarot's journey reflects the human quest for meaning, connection, and the exploration of the inner self. Its rich tapestry of symbolism continues to captivate individuals across the globe, making tarot a timeless and ever-evolving companion on the diverse paths of human experience.

The main premise of this post pertains to the shared Abrahamic notion that their God is “omnipotent”. In Christianity God became a man as Jesus, while Judaism and Islam reject this completely.
If God is truly omnipotent, then is he able to become a man without ceasing to be God? Judaism and Islam say no. That means there is something God cannot do as he’s limited in power. If God is not able to enter creation as a man without ceasing to be God, then he is not actually omnipotent.
Even if you did assume that Allah and the Jewish God can become a man, then that leaves a problem. Who would be God if God became a man? Since there’s only one person, God would be in a human body and limited in every capacity. God would then be not all powerful. The Christian doctrine of the Trinity gets around this because it claims that God exists as three persons simultaneously.
Due to the reason outlined above, Jesus being God makes more sense than if God can’t become a human.