Sega of Japan deserves all the criticisms for their idiocy of overtaking the dictatorship of the wider Sega company and running the company down because they tried to manage the global markets without understanding the cultures behind them and basing their actions upon the tastes of the Japanese market. On top of putting their eggs in one baskets and obsessively trying to make the Saturn king of Japan's console industry................
However there's a gigantic misconception on the internet by understandably P$!%ed off Western gamers that Sega of Japan's boneheaded run of the company is some unique kind of stupidity unmatched in history.........
Actually there's bad news and its that this is actually a big problem in the Japanese business world especially among companies that are domestic giants such as Konami.
And I'll start with one of my favorite franchises. Mobile Suite Gundam.
Back in the late 90s and early 2000s the most recent iteration of the franchise Mobile Suit Gundam Wing aired on the Toonami block on Cartoon Network. And to say it was a massive success. It was easily Toonami's most watched program after Dragon Ball Z and Sailor Moon and there would be profitable sales of Gundam Wing figures in American major retailers like K-Mart and kB Toys during the show's run. There was more demand for further Gundam content. Easy pathway to creating a juggernaut in the anime industry in America right?
Well the immediate followup to Gundam Wing was....... The original Gundam. Form the 1970s. I'm not kidding. The studios that makes Gundam Sunrise made this choice.
Massive gigantic bomb in America. Even Toonami's less popular programs like Ronin Warriors hard much higher viewerships.
The show's reason for flopping was that the original Gundam looked just so outdated with its animation being 70s flair. The original Gundam is actually superior to Wing in almost every other way especially the overall plot...... But the animation looked so old nobody wanted to watch it.
Why did Sunrise choose to follow up Wing which was their latest installment just before Turn A which was actually running in Japan during the same time Toonami was airing Wing in America?
In Japan the specific continuity the first original Gundam series follows, the UC timeline, is the handsdown most popular canon. The first two sequels Zeta (the Gundam series with the highest ratings ever in the history of the franchise within Japan) and ZZ formed a trilogy with the original Gundam of interlinking stories that culminates and concluded most the unresolved arcs in the original Gundam along with a slew of entwined movies and OVAs (think miniseries in Western terms). Basically the UC timeline is so big in Japan that we still get new stories every couple of years focused on specific characters, incidents, and so much more as well. Ask the general populace about Gundam and its the robot suits and characters of the UC timeline such as Amuro Rey and the Zaku robots and the that they immediately picture in their heads when they think Gundam similar to how the vast bulk of Star Wars fans below 16 always associates the franchise with Luke, Princess Leia, Chewbacca, Obi Wan, and Anakin/Darth Vader and the iconic scenes are teh Death Star onscreen and lightsaber fights.
So in Sunrise's head, not only was the first Gundam a guaranteed success in America but that they had to follow it up with it because the UC is the heart and soul of the entire franchise. The studios sincerely believed that with the original Gundam's even better and more complicated storyline that crowds will flock to watch it every weekday on Toonami...........
Failing to realize that a prime part of what made Wing so impressionable on Western audiences was the visuals of space battles and the awareness of the mobile suits in action. The complicated story of Gundam Wing (for the standards of Western animation on TV was definitely a component that made kids stick to the end but what attracted them in the first place was awesome onscreen actions like Heero escaping capture and knocking out a bunch of men on the way with kicks and piloting the Gundam for the first time to demolish tanks and humvees and a division of soldiers within seconds.
Sunrise did not get this point. They mistakenly assumed that teens and children in the West would have understood the original Gundam's anti war storyline entwined with lots of politics and drama was something that was darn complicated for an American 12 year old to get. They failed to get that the West's TV animation scene was extremely tame hell mainstream afternoon Network Television overall even live action was pretty much PG in content and something like Gundam was definitely pushing it for timeslots for minors including teens. That issues like killing children in a mass bombardment with permanent arm crippling even decapitation was only started to be accepted on afternoon teen soap opera and Saturday morning cartoon timeslots.
That it was pretty tame (by modern standards) live action shows with lots of cool visual action that was bloodless and usually PG like Hercules The Legendary Journeys and its sister spinoff Xena and Buffy the Vampire Slayer that the teen range was watching in addition to laughably corny stuff (but still having cool colorful onscreen effects) like GI Joe making the center of children's animation.
When the original Gundam flopped Sunrise took around 2 years to realize their mistake and released G Gundam. An incarnation of the series around the premise of Robots dueling each other in a tournament of gladiatorial fights. Thats an understatement G Gundam takes the whole premise to another level by making the Gundam robots fight with the speed, fluidity, and magical abilities of Dragon Ball Z. Kung Fu with giant Robots.
But the damage was done. While G Gundam did a hell lot better than the original Gundam, interest in the franchise has waned by then and in turn merchandise sales which Sunrise makes its bulk profits from were nowhere as profitable in America as Wing was. When Sunrise attempted to bring over their newer series such as Seed (which was massively popular in Japan even far more than Gundam Wing and G Gundam which already were considered hits by the studios) it was canceled from the maintime slot shortly afterwards and the ret of the series was put on death slots. The momentum had ceased. And not helping was that by that point other mech anime such as FLCL also aired on Toonami and fellow rival franchises like Zoids were begin imported.
Basically by now Gundam had looked generic to the Western audience esp Americans. The next wave of new anime fans in the 2000s was a disadvantaged market because the novelty of Gundam Wing being the first mech anime was not there for future Gundam installments. Gundam has fallen so out of the anime Zeitgeist that whatever we got in the future aired on lesser known channels like Color TVs or came in DVD releases if not even localised at all only being available on fansubs.
The worst part? When Gundam Wing ended its run on Toonami, Turn A Gundam, their newest incarnation with even better animation and just as much awesome moments of one giant mech destroying a an army of other mechs in addition to divisions of tanks and infantry, had just finished airing in Japan. By all logic it should have been a no brainer to snatch this as the followup to Wing right?
But not to Sunrise because Turn A was one of the lesser popular incarnations at that point. Because the UC was so the face of the franchise in Japan so it must succeed in America and the rest of the world no?
Does this sound familiar? Simply to put Japanese companies have a gigantic issues of failing to realize that what succeeds in Japan is not applicable elsewhere. And that given the chance to they'll even try to micro manage even something as loose in concept as franchise licensing in other countries.
OK thats an exaggeration I just said but my point ist he horrible mishandling of the Sega Saturn outside of Japan isn't really some 1 in a billion lottery ticket level of stupidity. Sega of Japan's screwups is actually quite typical of companies that succeeded domestically but never did anything in other markets that then decide to expand to outside markets beyond Japan. The Gundam example was so already long that I don't feel like typing anymore but boy oh boy there are a gazillion examples you can find if you do your googling from Konami's early mishandling of the Yu-Gi-Oh TCG as well as their shift to focusing on Pachinko and Pachislot much to the dismay of Western gamers esp fans of MGS and Silent Hill. And so much more.
Simply Sega of Japan isn't uniquely stupid. Its a perfect symptom many issues of the business world in Japan.

Sega of Japan deserves all the criticisms for their idiocy of overtaking the dictatorship of the wider Sega company and running the company down because they tried to manage the global markets without understanding the cultures behind them and basing their actions upon the tastes of the Japanese market. On top of putting their eggs in one baskets and obsessively trying to make the Saturn king of Japan's console industry................
However there's a gigantic misconception on the internet by understandably P$!%ed off Western gamers that Sega of Japan's boneheaded run of the company is some unique kind of stupidity unmatched in history.........
Actually there's bad news and its that this is actually a big problem in the Japanese business world especially among companies that are domestic giants such as Konami.
And I'll start with one of my favorite franchises. Mobile Suite Gundam.
Back in the late 90s and early 2000s the most recent iteration of the franchise Mobile Suit Gundam Wing aired on the Toonami block on Cartoon Network. And to say it was a massive success. It was easily Toonami's most watched program after Dragon Ball Z and Sailor Moon and there would be profitable sales of Gundam Wing figures in American major retailers like K-Mart and kB Toys during the show's run. There was more demand for further Gundam content. Easy pathway to creating a juggernaut in the anime industry in America right?
Well the immediate followup to Gundam Wing was....... The original Gundam. Form the 1970s. I'm not kidding. The studios that makes Gundam Sunrise made this choice.
Massive gigantic bomb in America. Even Toonami's less popular programs like Ronin Warriors hard much higher viewerships.
The show's reason for flopping was that the original Gundam looked just so outdated with its animation being 70s flair. The original Gundam is actually superior to Wing in almost every other way especially the overall plot...... But the animation looked so old nobody wanted to watch it.
Why did Sunrise choose to follow up Wing which was their latest installment just before Turn A which was actually running in Japan during the same time Toonami was airing Wing in America?
In Japan the specific continuity the first original Gundam series follows, the UC timeline, is the handsdown most popular canon. The first two sequels Zeta (the Gundam series with the highest ratings ever in the history of the franchise within Japan) and ZZ formed a trilogy with the original Gundam of interlinking stories that culminates and concluded most the unresolved arcs in the original Gundam along with a slew of entwined movies and OVAs (think miniseries in Western terms). Basically the UC timeline is so big in Japan that we still get new stories every couple of years focused on specific characters, incidents, and so much more as well. Ask the general populace about Gundam and its the robot suits and characters of the UC timeline such as Amuro Rey and the Zaku robots and the that they immediately picture in their heads when they think Gundam similar to how the vast bulk of Star Wars fans below 16 always associates the franchise with Luke, Princess Leia, Chewbacca, Obi Wan, and Anakin/Darth Vader and the iconic scenes are teh Death Star onscreen and lightsaber fights.
So in Sunrise's head, not only was the first Gundam a guaranteed success in America but that they had to follow it up with it because the UC is the heart and soul of the entire franchise. The studios sincerely believed that with the original Gundam's even better and more complicated storyline that crowds will flock to watch it every weekday on Toonami...........
Failing to realize that a prime part of what made Wing so impressionable on Western audiences was the visuals of space battles and the awareness of the mobile suits in action. The complicated story of Gundam Wing (for the standards of Western animation on TV was definitely a component that made kids stick to the end but what attracted them in the first place was awesome onscreen actions like Heero escaping capture and knocking out a bunch of men on the way with kicks and piloting the Gundam for the first time to demolish tanks and humvees and a division of soldiers within seconds.
Sunrise did not get this point. They mistakenly assumed that teens and children in the West would have understood the original Gundam's anti war storyline entwined with lots of politics and drama was something that was darn complicated for an American 12 year old to get. They failed to get that the West's TV animation scene was extremely tame hell mainstream afternoon Network Television overall even live action was pretty much PG in content and something like Gundam was definitely pushing it for timeslots for minors including teens. That issues like killing children in a mass bombardment with permanent arm crippling even decapitation was only started to be accepted on afternoon teen soap opera and Saturday morning cartoon timeslots.
That it was pretty tame (by modern standards) live action shows with lots of cool visual action that was bloodless and usually PG like Hercules The Legendary Journeys and its sister spinoff Xena and Buffy the Vampire Slayer that the teen range was watching in addition to laughably corny stuff (but still having cool colorful onscreen effects) like GI Joe making the center of children's animation.
When the original Gundam flopped Sunrise took around 2 years to realize their mistake and released G Gundam. An incarnation of the series around the premise of Robots dueling each other in a tournament of gladiatorial fights. Thats an understatement G Gundam takes the whole premise to another level by making the Gundam robots fight with the speed, fluidity, and magical abilities of Dragon Ball Z. Kung Fu with giant Robots.
But the damage was done. While G Gundam did a hell lot better than the original Gundam, interest in the franchise has waned by then and in turn merchandise sales which Sunrise makes its bulk profits from were nowhere as profitable in America as Wing was. When Sunrise attempted to bring over their newer series such as Seed (which was massively popular in Japan even far more than Gundam Wing and G Gundam which already were considered hits by the studios) it was canceled from the maintime slot shortly afterwards and the ret of the series was put on death slots. The momentum had ceased. And not helping was that by that point other mech anime such as FLCL also aired on Toonami and fellow rival franchises like Zoids were begin imported.
Basically by now Gundam had looked generic to the Western audience esp Americans. The next wave of new anime fans in the 2000s was a disadvantaged market because the novelty of Gundam Wing being the first mech anime was not there for future Gundam installments. Gundam has fallen so out of the anime Zeitgeist that whatever we got in the future aired on lesser known channels like Color TVs or came in DVD releases if not even localised at all only being available on fansubs.
The worst part? When Gundam Wing ended its run on Toonami, Turn A Gundam, their newest incarnation with even better animation and just as much awesome moments of one giant mech destroying a an army of other mechs in addition to divisions of tanks and infantry, had just finished airing in Japan. By all logic it should have been a no brainer to snatch this as the followup to Wing right?
But not to Sunrise because Turn A was one of the lesser popular incarnations at that point. Because the UC was so the face of the franchise in Japan so it must succeed in America and the rest of the world no?
Does this sound familiar? Simply to put Japanese companies have a gigantic issues of failing to realize that what succeeds in Japan is not applicable elsewhere. And that given the chance to they'll even try to micro manage even something as loose in concept as franchise licensing in other countries.
OK thats an exaggeration I just said but my point ist he horrible mishandling of the Sega Saturn outside of Japan isn't really some 1 in a billion lottery ticket level of stupidity. Sega of Japan's screwups is actually quite typical of companies that succeeded domestically but never did anything in other markets that then decide to expand to outside markets beyond Japan. The Gundam example was so already long that I don't feel like typing anymore but boy oh boy there are a gazillion examples you can find if you do your googling from Konami's early mishandling of the Yu-Gi-Oh TCG as well as their shift to focusing on Pachinko and Pachislot much to the dismay of Western gamers esp fans of MGS and Silent Hill. And so much more.
Simply Sega of Japan isn't uniquely stupid. Its a perfect symptom many issues of the business world in Japan.

So I've been radio silent, but I'm kinda back now. This is the beginning of my rewrite for this fic. Unfortunately I'm gonna take a bit to make the next part, this is due to me being part of the ficnnap. So future parts are gonna take a while to get going, hopefully I'll be functional enough to sit down during the summer and write a bunch.
Anyhow, I hope you enjoy the fic. Any feedback would be nice :).
<<================================>>
Welcome to the XCOM archives, what would you like to search for?
Search: Psionic Imprints, Class Administrator - level 9
Please input access code: ******************
Access Granted... What Psionic Imprint would you like to view?
Search: Board Member Elias Meier, Director
Beginning playback of Imprint... standby...
`Psionic Imprint Subject: Elias Meier, Exhausted Director'
Date [standardized Human time]: June 27th, 2136
Humanity learned it was not alone in the year of 2015, when it was viscously attacked by a hostile alien force intent on colonizing Earth. But humanity fought back, with the formation of XCOM. For the first time in the entirety of human history, Humanity stood as one. And we won, barely and not without consequences. Countries fell apart, or were briefly colonized; or in the case of Advent, for a couple decades.
Of course there was also the aliens that were invading. After some time it was found out that all of them of them were enslaved, controlled and distorted by the Elders.
Or Ethereals if you wanted to be pedantic. God I have had enough of pedantic people.
After a few tense decades, the aliens had slowly filtered into human society. The Vipers forming Sisterhoods, Mutons forming tribes, Sectoids getting into everything, Andromedas forming a haven for their people, and Chryssalids... once thought to be a dying race, surging back to life in 2077 and becoming a horrendous problem for everybody. There were a couple others but I couldn't be bothered to remember them.
Ding a little ring tone sounded, reminding me of my wretched job. I groaned, and waved my hand. I heard a dial up sound, as the system connected. Finally it connected, and one of the voices I dreaded hearing started speaking.
A monotone male voice, the voice of an emotionless thing created by XCOM to make death. "Hello Meier. I have a report, Wraith unit sent to System Gliese-832c has returned. A sapient alien civilization has been discovered. It is not what we expected though."
Wonderful, great even... God this is gonna be a whole thing to handle.
"Explain Odin, I will have to schedule a meeting about this new discovery."
"I have sent a data packet to your computer, which you would see if you looked at it sir"
How the fuck has he developed sarcasm? Has he always had this quirk or did he create it just to personally fuck with me?
I sighed and spun my chair around, away from the great view of my office window. The office I was trapped in was decently sized, the large desk with two 57 inch monitors on each side. The room was 10 feet tall, and 20 feet from door to window, and 12 feet wide. There was a seating area with two couches and a coffee table. A large drink cabinet flanked by two busts on pedestals, and a foyer sitting on the opposite wall flanked by tall standing plant pots with ferns. The entrance was double doors that looked like wood, but were actually plasma and explosive shielded metal doors.
On the left monitor was a display of the planet baring alien life. It was tidally locked, and was inhabited by... sheep, literal fucking sheep. Course they had paws instead of hooves and had no nose but still, literally just fucking sheep. They were apparently called Venlil. They had a decent population, and were part of a larger federation with an unknown number of species. They were at war with 7-8 feet tall nazi space crocodiles, and were deathly afraid of anything "predatory".
I glanced at a small box that appeared, it was an addendum by Dr. Valhen regarding the Venlil. It was a hypothesis regarding their physiology.
Experimental Codex Simulations put them at a 21.53% chance of surviving to a century with current physiology. Likely hood of genetic modification to weaken species at 71.89%.
The addendum pointed out the knocked knees, and the absence of a nose being the most likely areas of modification. I quirked an eyebrow up. I know Dr. Valhen had experience tearing open modified aliens and modifying people at an extreme levels. But still this had to be stretch.
"I have done my own calculations sir, and I have come to the same conclusion as Dr. Valhen sir." I stared pointedly at my monitors before sighing and rubbing my face.
Hmmm whom do I trust more? The mad scientist that walks around in several different metal bodies, or the psychopathic Codex who was created to be unnaturally good at killing. Hmmm good question... how about neither and say fuck it.
"OK Odin. Would you kindly contact the rest of the board and notify them about an emergency meeting?"
"Of course sir, I have already notified them about the scheduled meeting."
... Fucking prick. Oh well if I'm going to be sitting through a meeting I'm going to atleast drink some of the piss flavored water called vodka to pretend I can get drunk.
I stood up and walked over to the drink cabinet. A small round drone that was more of a floating camera came out of the ceiling and followed me. I opened up the cabinet and selected the highest proof alcohol I could find. After popping the bottle and grabbing a shot glass I walked back to my desk. Sitting down as an encrypted channel lit up my right side screen. I pressed on it and poured a shot, the small camera drone hovering in front of me just beyond the desk. The right monitor lit up as 6 people connected.
The Heads of Military, Research and Development, and Diplomatic Affairs were all in the meeting. Dr. Tygan and Dr. Shen heads of R&D, General Zhao and General Kelly heads of Military, Ms. Clark and Mr. Freeman heads of Diplomatic Affairs.
Dr. Tygan didn't look a day over 30, even though he was older than myself. His white coat looked immaculate, and his glasses clean. But his posture and eyes spoke of a man who was debating falling over asleep or shooting someone in the face. Dr. Shen had safety gear on, his clothing stained by machine fluids and sweat. He looked more alive in his 40's than Tygan, and behind him was a scene of a bustling space yard. General Zhao was prim and proper, his posture rigid and his face completely neutral. General Kelly looked to be in a ships captain quarters, his General uniform replaced with a mandatory protective jumpsuit. He looked like he was just woken up, a steaming cup of coffee sitting before him. Ms. Clark and Mr. Freeman looked... normal, they had proper uniforms on and looked like they had been working for a while but still had plenty of energy.
I shot the glass back then looked back at the drone, which had moved to be above the monitor. "So... I have received a report from Odin, and it is the reason for this meeting. Have any of you received the report as well and viewed the contents?"
Dr. Shen squinted at something behind the camera, before bending back and nodding. "Yeah I glanced at it, doesn't really affect my operations honestly. Besides I doubt that they could even get close to the OCDM. That thing can wipe out all kinds of stuff. "
Ms. Clark palmed her face, an exasperated look on it. "Could we not immediately discuss killing these new extraterrestrials? For all we know they number in the hundreds of species, or dozens. Not to mention we do not know the full extent of their technology. They could be much more powerful than us for all we know!"
General Zhao spoke up, a dismissive look to his face. "I have already run through some of the internal information of the Wraith unit. It appears that they have relatively the same level of technology as us. In fact they are actually inferior in some areas. For instance they practically have no cybersecurity. We could shut down their whole planet with a button press."
Ms. Clark groaned as she put her face in her hands. Mr. Freeman just leaned back looking tired. He raised a hand, a ding from the system notifying that he had a question. "Have we attempted to secure a direct access to their network? The more we know about these aliens the better. For all we know they have plans on dealing with "predatory" aliens. We could be signing the death certificate of humanity if we don't investigate more."
Clark looked up with shock and anger. "Yo-you can't be serious Mr. Freeman?! We haven't even attempted communication with these people and you're already planning on spying on them?! We should talk to them first, not just assume they are gonna be murderous!"
Everyone else on the meeting glanced around, the unsaid thing hanging in the air. Clark was very new to the board, and had grown up in New Russia. One of the European countries with the most amount of aliens. Everyone else had either only interacted with aliens as acquaintances, or killed them. Not to mention that XCOM was literally formed with the intention of pushing an invading alien empire off Earth. It had a long and bloody history with aliens, not to mention some of the things that it had done to aliens in service to Humanity.
General Kelly just sighed as he took a long sip of his coffee. Putting it down he crossed his hands in front of him. "We're getting off track people. We need to decide our course of action moving forward with these Venlil and their allies. I would recommend sending a civilian science vessel alongside two Avengers and a Hammer. The Hammer ship can operate in Stealth mode in the alien system, while the Avengers act like Cargo Ships. This allows us to put on a good face while still ensuring that our assets will be protected."
There was nodding across the board, everyone seemed to reluctantly agree on something for once. Then they all stared at their cameras, obviously waiting for myself. I sighed and poured another shot. "I concur with Kelly's plan, but I would also like to have Mothership Valhala on standby with Fleet Alpha. I would like you Kelly to command it, if you are too busy General Zhao will command instead."
Kelly and Zhao looked shocked by what I said. But they both donned neutral faces quickly afterwards. Zhao raised a hand, the system dinged signaling that he had a question. "May I ask why you are requesting this? Last time I actively commanded was for Operation Living Mausoleum and we all know how that turned out."
I shot back the glass and pointed at the camera. "That Operation was fucked from the very beginning. There was jack shit you could've done to prevent the casualties that occurred. Not to mention that you can't compare yourself to the Commander, he was inhumanly good at what he did. Hell from what I hear the man could practically see into the future. So quit it, stop beating yourself up over it. You're one of the greatest generals I've ever had the pleasure of working alongside with."
Zhao's face briefly clouded with a dark brooding look as I talked. But when I finished it lit up in surprise. He must still be beating himself up over that shit operation. I still remember reading the reports and feeling afraid about the future of XCOM. But thankfully Valhen managed to control the damn thing, and Diplomatic Affairs quelled the fires that had started from it.
"This meeting is concluded. Get back to whatever you all are doing." One by one the channel sent quiet. Tygan just stared into space, a vacant look on his face. "Tygan? Tygan!" He jumped in his seat, finally coming to. He took off his glasses and rubbed his face. "Tygan... it's getting worse... you really should reconsider your stance."
He looked up, a fire in his eyes. He put his glasses back on, tapping his fingers as he did so. "Well I won't. I'm not gonna stoop down to Valhen's level of depravity. The procedure is completely experimental and for all I know it's a miracle that I'm even still alive. I am almost 200 years old. If my mind is finally failing then so be it. I have played God long enough."
He left the channel right afterwards, only for another person to appear. It was Dr. Valhen and she had no camera feed. All I could see was a noise graph. "Meier... I would like to... make a... request- demand... I would like to attend the mission."
I slammed the shot glass on the table. "Absolutely not, I don't care what you're reason is. My final and only answer will be no. So kiss my ass, and go back to cutting apart death row inmates and war criminals."
…After a few seconds of silence and the graph not moving, it started laughing. That laugh told me more than enough. "Oh Meier, naughty naughty Meier... keeping me away from the new toys? How cruel of you... forgive me... I will honor your request..."
She... it left the channel. I closed it up, and spun my chair around. The window allowed me to view the Appalachian Mountains in all their splendor. In the distance I could see the camo fields of ships shifting as they moved about. I stared at the bottle before corking it and walking back to the cabinet.
This is gonna be an absolute shitshow. For all we knew we are boldly striding towards a war that will be the end of humanity once and for all.
End of Imprint
[Next]

I am one of three roommates all 25F. I moved in here after my lease was up and I found it on an Facebook group looking for roommates. I messaged my one roommate on the forum, Sam (25F), and immediately clicked and after viewing, I decided to go ahead and agree to be the third roommate. We were all in a group chat with each other, me, Sam and the roommate in question, Lana. We all got along and I was very excited. My roommate Sam, texted me separately and said “I don’t want to poison you against her but she really struggles with follow through and cleaning”. I told her, between the two of us, we can have a roommate meeting and sort out what our expectations and boundaries. She liked that and I moved in on April 20th. The house was a disaster moving in. It reeked of cat piss and shit and smelled like weed. My family was very concerned but after I calmed them down, I got to work to clean. Before this, Lana said that she would clean her stuff and since I am paying for two rooms, she will clean the cat piss and shit and the smell will be gone. This was over a month before I moved in. She never did it and after me asking her, politely to clean the rooms I am paying for she said “I can’t clean it because the carpet cleaner is broken”. It is also probably important to mention she has two cats and a dog. I have a dog who has an ESA and is in training and is always attended or being crated trained. The whole two weeks I moved in, I felt sick with the smell and my dog and I were living in one room together and I finally had enough of her excuses and bought the supplies to clean the rooms. I cleaned the rooms and the bathroom (which also smelled like cat piss and weed) and I basically begged her and my other roommate to be respectful of the fact that I cleaned the whole upstairs. Sam lives on the top floor (attic) she has a cat but that cat does not leave the area. My dog is crated when I am not home or at doggie daycare. Lana’s animals roam around and cause havoc in the house. On top of all that, she leaves her stuff all over the house for days if not since I moved here (it’s been over a month at this point), smokes weed when we are a non-smoking household, loiters the house with stuff, doesn’t pay bills on time (we might get our electric shut off because she won’t send her part), complains about not having money but buys stuff online and DoorDashes all the time (none of my business but can’t pay bills?), absolutely refuses to meet with us about concerns, doesn’t control her dog so her dog comes at my dog and our landlord is coming to inspect. I wouldn’t be surprised if all the shit on our porch gets us a fine because it’s against neighborhood regulations. I am so exhausted and stressed and I can’t live like this. I feel horrible everyday and I don’t like eating here and I can’t stand her and her constant disrespect. I’ve tried to like her or talk to her but nothing gets done.
Side note: She broke our washer (landlord only provides hookups so we are screwed)
I don’t want to lose my deposit and I want to leave. She’s incompetent and probably stupid because she doesn’t understand how a lease works.
My pet fee is waived in my state because of ESA (I think that’s federal) but she owes money on her THREE pets and wants to fool the landlord, only having to pay for one.
Please give me advice and if this is enough to take to the landlord.
I HAVE TAKEN PICTURES AND I HAVE TEXTS, RECEIPTS AND MY ROOMMATE SAM AND I ARE ON THE SAME PAGE
thank you 🤍

Central Texas
Each week I’ll notice a new small patch pop up with a little spreading of existing grass. I’ve been trying to mow every five days as high as my mower will go, about 3.7 inches, to promote spread. I spent the winter watering every other week and switched to once a week in the spring.
New sod got laid last year in late July. Is there anything I can do at this point of the year to promote more spread?
Pictures aren’t working in the post so I’ll have to Imgur upload:
Yesterday: https://imgur.com/a/EqC5dtC
Last year in August: https://imgur.com/a/xedPb7s

Hey everyone (:
■ READ EVERYTHING BEFORE SENDING A MESSAGE ■
Young lady seeking a life partner to love and be loved in return . Dating apps are long and exhausting so I'd rather get straight to the point and be direct.
■PLEASE SEND AN INTRODUCTION AND PICTURE ■
●IF ITS SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH DONT MESSAGE ME
If you don't think we'd be a good match don't message if you don't have the capability to communicate and get to know me .
https://imgur.com/Okqs2IZ
Send message via chat ! My Dm/pm doesnt work (:
I'm black , 5'3 , born and raised in Montréal , Introverted, Demisexual. Healthcare worker .
I'm kind , loyal , supportive and looking for the same in a partner who also values honesty , communication, commitment.
I want to go through life with someone that's willing to grow , heal , learn , openminded , We accept each other for who we are but are open to criticism and respect, love , kindness is the center of our relationship.
Location: Montréal Canada
Interests : working out , concerts , hockey fan, romance novels .
Looking for : life partner 28-40 Someone willing to take things slow , open minded , emotional available and can communicate must be a good texter, phone calls , video call is a must
Religious beliefs : Christian but mostly spiritual / liberal views .I believe in God
Deal-breaker: I can't date someone without a job , doesn't take accountability, doesn't apologize, any form of abuse will not be tolerated . Men with children unfortunately.
Likes : Beards, sense of humor, family oriented, liberal views , British accents . Puts 100% in all aspects of their life ( friendships, job , Relationships, mental health , self care )
I take pride in communicating effectively, effort being reciprocated so I expect the same in my partner.
I don't see myself living anywhere else so if you're open to long distance relationship keep in mind I'm not moving and if you aren't either then there's no point in us talking .

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Hey all, just thought I would post here to share a personal experience and see if anyone else has experienced anything similar.
Disclaimer: During this time frame, I also cycled through a few different ADHD medications with varying results, settling in Adderall XR for the longest and seemingly with the best results. So factor that as you see fit
A while back, right about the start of 2023, I started getting seriously back into reading. I have ADHD up to my eyeballs, so this was difficult and took a bit of work and practice. At the start, I had a tremendously difficult time picturing just about anything I read. Always googled characters/monsters/places as much as I could to get a reasonable looking visual to fill it in, because I just couldn't piece together descriptions in my head.
Also, during mid-2022 I started playing chess more seriously. Actually studying, learning theory/openings/principles, etc. as some of you may know, chess has a lot to do with memorization and pattern recognition to a certain extent.
Fast forward about a year, early 2024. In 2023, I managed to read 54 books. It absolutely blew my mind that I got that much done. Reading became easier and easier, and I am still reading a ton, often times in lieu of other forms of media.
But, a year and a half on, I find that I am not nearly as convinced of having Aphantasia as I once was. I still occasionally have a hard time picturing something, but it is not nearly as severe as it was. Now, when recalling a scene from some sort of media, it will sometimes be so clear that when trying to place it, I have to discern if it was something I read or something I watched. This was never a problem I expected to run into.
At this point, I am starting to lean heavily into the idea that maybe my brain had just gotten out of shape. After being an avid reader in high school (I am 29 now) I hardly read books at all until the very end of 2022. After spending a year to a year and a half reading a ton and playing chess and working at it consistently, my brain feels like it's working infinitely better. I can picture things more clearly, I can remember details of books to an obnoxious degree sometimes, and all around everything is clearer.
Granted, as mentioned in the disclaimer, this may also have something to do with landing on a medication that works well for me, but I also started my reading journey well before starting what is now my current medication, and I can't help but feel that ultimately working out my brain this way has helped improve my shortcomings.
None of this is to say that Aphantasia is any less real or that reading is a cure, but more so to share my experience and the sort of improvements I saw after starting some activities that really worked on my brain.
I am eager to hear from some of you if you've had similar experiences, the complete opposite, etc.
Thanks for reading this far along, and I hope to see what some of you feel about it!

I forgot if I posted about this already.
Last summer, I broke up with someone after a serious relationship (wasn’t sad it was mutual).
I decided that for once, I NEED for once in my life to be single and enjoy it. My plan was 1 full year of being single before I find someone (my ideal person) for marriage.
I was super serious and super committed to worshipping myself. I wanted to fall in love with who I am and the god within. I wanted unshakable confidence and self confidence. I wanted a Christ-like aura.
So I got to work.
I became obsessed with myself (inside and out).
Here’s what I did basically:
I took care of my looks to look like someone I considered breathtaking in my personal opinion. I didn’t go to the gym, just makeup and skincare and dressing the part. I did it for ME, I was the main character now and I wanted to dress the part.
I started walking slowly as if I’m a holy being (again Christ-like aura) while doing my self love affirmations confidently (in my head obviously). Whenever I wasn’t talking or thinking, I was affirming (not like a robot, but more with ease, conviction and enjoyment).
I would meditate on self love and self concept morning and night.
Here’s what happened:
Men started obsessing over me, asking me on dates over and over, they would show up out of the woodworks as they say lol, texting me a little too much. I got so annoyed, but also a bit intrigued by the results lol,that I HAD TO DELETE MY SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS AND ARCHIVE ALL MY PICTURES to try and minimize the effects lol. I ghosted a ton of people.
It worked for social media but I still got a lot of attention in real life. I was a rockstar for a while.🤪
This experiment REALLY helped me understand what everyone is YOU pushed out meant.
EIYPO is about YOU not EVERYONE. That’s why owner of this sub always tells you to focus on YOU, to Generate LOVE WITHIN YOU, to be your own SP…
Now something else happened that summer. Even though I was so serious about staying single for a year (lasted 4 months only lol). I was like FINE IF ALL THESE MEN ARE SHOWING UP MAYBE I SHOULD WRITE A LIST OF ALL THE QUALITIES I WANT IN MY FUTURE HUSBAND.
Well guess who I met the very next day ☺️. You guessed it. I met the guy from my list. At first I didn’t care at all because he was just another guy that I didn’t want to date. But after a few conversations he convinced me to go on a date and I fell IN LOVE ON OUR VERY FIRST DATE (him too, we became inseparable instantly)
Now so you guys don’t think I’m a liar or anything, we did break up recently:/ I’m not sad but I have to admit to all of you that I was so in love that I went back to my old habits of focusing on the other person. I made him my whole world and stopped prioritizing myself 🫡. It’s a human thing we all do I guess. When you find someone to love you, it’s like you give them this huge task suddenly, a task that should be your own.
I didn’t become needy in 3d but I definitely was needy energetically and he started prioritizing his work to the point where we would see each other once every week or so …
This post is 100% real guys no scams here I promise .
I’m writing this post to tell you please please please listen to u/ALLISMIND he’s got it figured out and he’s telling you all the truth. I am living proof of this.
Losing my man is also a big lesson to all of us. Do not forget about your self love and self concept once you’re with someone… of you course you need to love them too, but you MUST keep loving and caring about your inner world. It should be a habit like brushing your teeth or better BREATHING.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be back on my routine of self love and self concept. You can find me reading all is mind’s posts from the very beginning (again lol).
As my boyfriend, I’m not worried about him to be honest. If he comes back that would be great, if not I know something wonderful is waiting for me.
Feel free to ask me anything.
Additions/edits: -I forgot to mention that I would turn heads whenever I went with my aura and beauty. I was kind of like Monica belucci in Malena (I would walk very innocently and silently and yet I was always under the spot light even though I wasn’t trying to (again my goal was extreme self love and confidence/not people’s attention and yet it happened)).
-I don’t dress provocatively (meaning no short shorts or boobs out of clothes that are too tight just for context)
-A funny thing that also started happening is my male colleagues also started developing a crush on me 😅 even though they’ve seen me every day for a year lol (especially Joe who still refers to me as “my wife” lol)
-I Re-started focusing my self love and self concept again a few days ago and I’m already seeing results… men started showing interest and asking me out again as well as getting some attention in public (nothing too extreme yet).

So, I've arrived in this wonderful community a few months ago, trying to decide where to go in my journey: I did started with a by-cycle reading, but arrived at Hogfather (and already in love with STP, at that point), I decided to start again and read in a chronological order.
A lot of you told me that there are no rules in the Discworld reading journey, and I heard you: I've just started Maskerade but I skipped Sourcery and Interesting Times, cause I can't still enter in the Wizards' cycle mood (but I love them when they are collateral).
I am not mothertongue so I don't think that I can properly express how much this world is giving me a new perspective and a renewed passion for A LOT of things that have shaped who I am, and it seems incredible HOW MANY of them are in these books: - I have been a HUGE movie nerd since when being a nerd/geek wasn't cool and for a LONG part of my life. And here it comes Moving Pictures. - I have had a phase where I watched any hard boiled movie I could find, and I loved Bogart and his characters. Hello to you Sam Vimes. - my father instilled in me the passion for musical shows. Can you guess which was our favourite? Right. I even started writing a very complex essay regarding all the versions of Leroux's novel.
(And all that without mentioning the fact that I am kind of a mash up between Granny Weatherwax, Magrat and Sybil.)
So, that's it. I am growing convinced that STP would make feel better and less lonely a younger me, but I am anyway grateful to have found him and the Disc.
Thank you for reading.

I'll start off by saying I don't want to sit here and write a post of another failed set of parents, but, alas, I have nobody else I can speak to about this that would really understand. I've found therapists do be rather unhelpful and I truly have trust issues with people. I've kept a lot of this inside for my life and at this point I think I just need to somehow let it out instead of punching holes in walls or screaming in anger randomly. Maybe writing it here would help me sleep a full night or be a little happier in life?
Either way, I would genuinely appreciate hearing your take on this for those who have experienced a similar past. I'm not looking for sympathy, but a possible path that I can take in getting rid of this hate I have inside of me for good.
​
​
By the age of 13 I had already been living with different friends for months and months with no idea where or what my mother was doing. I went to school but only when I wanted to, otherwise I would wander around and skateboard on the streets until it was time to go 'home'. She would randomly show up in her beat up 80s Honda accord with everything she owned in the backseat to see me once in a BLUE moon. Never once did she speak with my friends parents or caretakers about me, just assumed I would worm my way into another family and their life and become another mouth to feed with no explanation. As a kid you don't really see it from an adults perspective, but as an adult you know there's a failed adult behind this child in your home.
I knew the situation wasn't ideal, but I was living with my best friend at the time for a while as a kid. Every night was video games with your best bud, how bad can life be?
My mother was 17 when she had me, and 16 when she had my brother both with the same guy. I never knew my brother, he was given away because either she was too young or she didn't want him. I spoke with him a few times on social media, but nothing more. I don't use any social media so any contact I did have is gone. He didn't know I existed until I had reached out and has never spoken with our blood parents.
Super mommy did it all. Drank whatever and whenever she could, frequently used drugs (even sold them to my friends who were in middle school for a couple of bucks), fist fought anyone that upset her (including men and myself at a certain age) and was always the victim in these scenarios. She hadn't been this way for as long as I knew her, but majority of the time it was. She had a temper like no other and felt like it was "her" superpower. When it reality it's just a weakness that everyone gets to experience firsthand, either verbally or physically depending on the day. "You can fuck with mean, but you can't fuck with crazy!" she'd say, moments before road raging with a stranger at midnight in the middle of nowhere.
When my 'step' father (the man who raised me most of my life and I love with everything I have) had heard of my situation living abroad, he didn't hesitate to pick me up and take me to a better place in an entirely different part of the country. He and my mother didn't see eye to eye on much after I was about 4 years old, but he always stuck around in the same town we lived in to be around me. Eventually he went back to his hometown when she severed communication between he and I. Only through the grapevine did he hear about me and what I was doing. A few days later he had driven across the US day and night to pick me up, give that family money, thanked them and took me away.
The last time I spoke with my mother was when she took me out for some new shoes for my 14th birthday making promises left and right, while again sitting in her car with everything she had in the backseat. It was just another day with this human who couldn't help but do drugs and lie to me. I already knew I wouldn't be here in a few days and when she came back to see me, I was gone.
I lived in this new home and it actually felt like one with my Dad (step dad but he was my DAD). A few years of having a HOME was surreal and I think I took it for granted, because that too came to an end. I was just starting college and that's when parent #2 came into my life.
Meet Bio-dad! He was once only a few blurry pictures from many years past and tales from my shaman mother. Naturally I was always curious about him, and one day we were in contact with one another. Somehow he managed to find me, even though he had been paying child support for most of my life. He flew out to meet me, and a few months later I somehow decided moving across the country to live with him was a swell idea.
I thought this might have been it, finally, the blood I thought I always wanted in my life. But just a few months in I realized he was no better than her. He was successful and worked hard, but that doesn't mean he's a good person let alone a father. I never called him Dad or Father purely because I was a young adult now and didn't need another figure like that in my life, let alone from someone I barely knew. He was on marriage 2 or 3 with step kids and I just felt like I was 13 years old again in another strange house. I was told he spent a long time trying to find me when he was paying child support but was never able to. I believed him at first, and sometime later many divorced fathers told me that probably isn't be true.
It felt like he was constantly angry or upset at something. His wife, the kids, the dogs, the pool, whatever he was annoyed with everyone else was obligated to agree or veer away. He often found ways to make himself out to be the hardest worker and nothing matters but how many hours you clock in your worksheet. He "wished he could work 40 hours a week". After a few months of everyone arguing, yelling and finger pointing over little nothings each day, I decided I didn't need this kind of stress in my life and left to live in my small truck for a few weeks until I found a room to rent on my own and start my adult life.
Over the years he's tried to stay in contact with me but I never really gave much back to him if at all. I have no interest in knowing him, but his insistent attempts to contact me with 'family is important' yada yada makes my blood boil. I have no blood family as far as I care to know. I'm on the latter half of this life and I simply don't see the point in trying to establish these relationships because we have the same grandparents or blood. Why would I EVER try to put myself into that situation again? For family? Something I really don't value or care about?
The last couple of years I went from never thinking about these humans to frequently finding myself shaking from anger and distracted in life from what I want to actually do and accomplish. I feel like I'm stuck on this chapter and I really, really need to move on from it. I thought just ignoring it would work, but alas as time goes on I get random phone calls and texts from people I used to know trying to get in contact with me. I know who they are, and I know who they're speaking for, but I don't ever give them the satisfaction of even responding.
So here I am, wondering what I should do. Do I call both of them (keep in mind I don't think they've spoken since the early 90s) and let each person individually know that I'd rather watch them suffer in life than to spend time with them? I don't even want them to know where I am, what I'm doing or what I sound like. Do I write them an email, pray they know what that even is and hope they understand I don't care for them?
I considered getting hypnotized so I can fully forget them. As ridiculous as that sounds I often wonder if I could completely remove them from my memory, would I be a better person? Would I finally feel this tension in my chest leave? Would I stop screaming internally when I'm alone out of anger towards them?
At this point in my life I just want to be happy with what I have and leave them in an old time capsule never to be opened again. As I get older the more I understand that childhood tremendously dictates who we are, and I'm learning that I don't really like who I am in some aspects, and I blame them for that. Whatever good and success I have in life is because of my 'step' Dad and how he raised me the best he could.
I don't know that I could be calm or mature enough to clearly state how I feel without emotions coming into the mix. Every time I imagine talking to them it quickly turns into a rage that takes a while to let go of.
If you read my rant, thank you. If you didn't, I don't blame you one bit.
tl;dr I need to completely remove my parents from my life so I can move on, and I'm not sure how to go about it.
​