This letter is to my past lovers. I have become a more grounded less toxic version of myself thanks to them. Granted it was due to the drama that went on in the relationships. I learned a lot from each. Well let’s jump into it. M! Our relationships were the definition of toxic! 😂 I said relationships because of how many times we broke up and got together. I look back in humor because we had no business trying to be in a relationship. We tried and failed repeatedly. We were too broken souls when we met trying to patch each other up. We both did things in that relationship that we are not proud of. Me especially I was basically spiraling the whole time. I was an asshole that believed himself to be a nice guy. Ugh I was so cringe. I have already given my apologies to you. We still speak now however I don’t think we will be giving it one last try. Even though we are amicable now. We have both done damage to each other. It’s forgiven but never forgotten. I appreciate your support and your wisdom. Especially when I’m in my emotional lows which is happening a lot more. You have come so far in your healing process I couldn’t be more proud. You are amazing.
Now for my most recent past lover…..E. I am not going to sugar coat it. You broke me in every sense of the word. Our break up trigger basically every last trauma I had. Everything came to the surface. I was shaking, crying, yodeling! IDFK. I was struggling. I know, I can have moments where I am hot and cold. I know I didn’t handle every argument correctly with you. I definitely didn’t take into consideration how emotionally charged you get. We didn’t go on dates which I am immensely sorry for. I was emotionally lockdown for the most part. I had a wall up but you got through it and you saw me. You saw my emotions unhinged and unfiltered, you saw my slip ups when I loosened up my defenses. I let you in. I opened a path for you to get to know me and not the persona I show everyone else. Then you left. You left me in such a cold and fast manner. I felt casted away, thrown overboard, abandoned! Which is probably why it triggered my child traumas and some.
Am I upset with you? Oh yeah I was I felt like every conversation and plan we had you balled up in your hands and stepped on them. That lasted for like a week. Then I found out about the other guy. I won’t put his name out there. It all made sense after that. You weren’t happy and you went to what you think is the better option. I can’t fault you for that. As hard as that situation was. It helped me realize my own faults. I am still broken. I started seeing a therapist. I am working on my unresolved traumas. I am improving myself so I can be vulnerable with my person not closed off like I’m so known for. All that aside I wish you nothing but the best. I want you to be happy. I want you to realize that everything happens for a reason. I was placed in your path so that you could help me realize I didn’t allow love in. Real unconditional love. You awakened that in me and I am forever grateful to you for it.
You do not want to stay in contact so I will not be reaching out. I still think about you constantly. It’s not a sad or I miss you so much thought. It’s a I hope you are happy and getting showered in love thought. Everyone deserves love thank you for showing me. This letter is to both of my past lovers that had a hand in showing me unconditional love and awakening that in me. If you ever need me don’t be afraid to call. I value you deeply.
-MB

My college friend really needs help and has for about 10 years. Despite trying a lot of tactics to help her, she just isn’t interested in sobriety or therapy. The past few years she seems to be devolving into what I can only describe as alcoholic rambling, general madness, and randomly lashing out.
When she calls me, it typically goes something like this: she tells a story or talks at me, reminisces about the good old days, remembers something that upset her, yells at me, says she loves me, reminisces again, and then I try to exit.
I think it would help me to have a few terms to describe her behavior and maybe mine too… My husbands friend was a total jerk to me behind his back for years and no one believed me. Understanding what “gaslighting” is helped me frame that behavior and be able to talk about it!
So that’s why I’m posting and would so appreciate any comments.
—-—- here’s the long version:
My friend is a 37-year-old living in a rural area with her parents and grandmother with dementia since COVID. My friend is an alcoholic, workaholic, and has ADD. She also really smart, funny and social. Shes amazing at her job in sales/recruiting and really defines herself by it. Her parents are both alcoholics, kinda conspiracy theorists, and often mean to each other (yelling in the background, belittling, hiding things from eachother, etc). She feels obligated to help with her grandma and is kinda resigned to change nothing. Clearly the environment is bad and rubbing off on her.
For example, last week she called me frantic and crying because her dog killed a bird. She talked for about 30-45 minutes, jumping between the current bird and other bird stories, of which there are many. I barely uttered a mmhmm the whole time. Eventually, she asked what’s up with me. I mentioned that I’ve been depressed and struggling to find a job, which is putting stress on my marriage so overall I’m feeling really low. Since she’s in recruiting and knows my work history, I asked if she knew of any job openings. She then launched into a story about how competitive she is with her coworkers and how it’s all a game to get the biggest commissions on placements but those are for engineers. So I take that as a no and by the end of her monologue she was back on the topic of birds. I tried to exit the conversation, and she said to call her the next afternoon if I wanted to talk about job hunting and she may have ideas.
The next day, I called her, optimistic to see the side of her that shines and hoping for some jobs she can refer me to. Instead she pulled up my LinkedIn profile and started telling me what I should change. Which wasn’t want I wanted but sure if that’s her approach she’s the expert. Then she became critical, loudly laughing at my picture, saying my hair was covering part of my face and I looked like a villan, untrustworthy. She’d never hire me based on that photo. She was kinda manic laughing as I was kinda tearing up (I’m aging and avoid photos so I thought the one take by my hairdresser was a high quality headshot and my hair looked cute). Okay sure I’ll change it. The critique wore on roast style with the justification of this is just tough love, the way we talk to each other is unfiltered and she just always around guys.
She brought up networking and remembered introducing me to a coworker, Sally. I said I didn’t remember what ever happened with Sally because it was two years ago. To which she got very heated, accusing me of dropping the ball and never following up. She started screaming, how she put her neck out for me and I couldn’t be bothered. I tried to talk her down and eventually hung up. I later checked the old email thread and saw that I had followed up with Sally, but she was going on vacation, so it didn’t go anywhere. My friend kept calling and texting, so I eventually picked up. I told her I didn’t mess up, and I didn’t want to be spoken to like that. So she apologized for yelling. Then she went back to criticizing my LinkedIn, pointing out a spelling error and calling me stupid. I told her I wasn’t in a great place and that her feedback style was hurtful.
She then veered off into a story about how she loves me and has saved the letters I wrote her. I cut her off, saying that while I appreciate it, those notes aren’t relevant to this conversation and let’s focus on job talk. She got upset, saying I don’t value our friendship and was using her just for a job so fuck you blablabla…
After a few more hours of texts and calls, I let her know I’m going to prioritize my own feelings and block her number but I’ll check in with her in 3months. I’ve tried to support her but also keep my distance but I need to be firmer in enforcing that. I’d say forever but that feels like canceling her when I know she needs help. ——- Rewriting this, feels as long and draining as that conversation was so I’ll stop there.
All of this to say, what kind of pattern is that? Is it something she’s doing because her parents do it to her? Am I crazy to keep picking up her calls? I feel like if I had a name or terminology to unpack all these conversations it would be easier to process them.

TANKDOM!
I'm so glad my idea of doing a solid for Dracula by mentioning the town forum on air worked so well. It was totally my idea and not Caroline's. Don't listen to her. Probably isn't going to rain today.
Let me break down how this works. I, Hank 'The Tank' Jefferson, review the top stories on the forum and you, The Tank Nation, get to hear my unfiltered views on these posts because I am using voice to text software. That's right, no editing, just my first thoughts and- no, Todd, I don't edit it. Stop distracting me and go order another round! Where was I, oh yeah!
HOT TAKES!

Alright, first up, some dumbass not seeing the beauty in late night street racing. Hey, Kevin, do you still have that blue Mustang? Oh, your kid does, well then he's doing a bang up job driving it. Just like his old man! [laughter detected]. Anyway, Rice Farmer, if that is your real name, lighten up. Let kids have fun! NEXT!
I don't know why you need to announce you are visiting. This isn't an airport. I guess I'll see what these suggestions are...loading...loading...man, we need to talk to Cedar about these load time. ah, lets see... Parks- Dumb. Packard Mill- don't know why people would stay away, that place rocks. The Pub- banned...banned...banned...I don't see O'Malley's mentioned, so clearly people missed the point of suggesting the best places in town. NEXT!
Bike lanes. Bikes are for children. Children don't need their own lanes. NEXT!
Man, why is everyone always ragging on Susan! She's a sweetheart and trying to- huh, oh, not Susan Piper, the other one? Oh yeah, she's a bitch. NEXT!
Oh a joke! I'll click in...Is the joke that you keep doing unpaid work for the city? You need to value yourself better, man. Also, ramen is for poor people. NEXT!
Oh shit! Marble Bandit is back! SCOTTY SCOTTY SCOTTY! Did you know Marble Bandit is back? Me either! You think he wants to get drinks while he's in town! I don't have his number, do you? Well, can you ask around. I'm sure someone has it. NEXT!
Yarn Bitch welcoming people- BORING. NEXT!
James, man, we've been over it so many times. The multiple 15th street thing is only confusing if you make it confusing. The system is so easy. Come by O'Malley's and I'll explain it again. Fine, TODD will explain it again. Happy now? No I don't always take credit for things you do. Now give me that beer I ordered.

I'm bored now. I don't know how that little twerp who stole my idea does this. Whatever, I got it in before him. No I totally turned off the mic. I swear I did. Oh sh-

Okay, where was I...Garden Gnomes? Is that prank going around again? Yeah, I know it's not original, I'm just asking if it's going around again! Listen, sweetheart, the kids in this town like to mess with garden gnomes. I don't know why you are making a fuss about all this. NEXT!
I have told you a million times, Dracula, just pay off your HOA not to fine you anymore and you can do whatever you want. You make things too complicated. NEXT!
Another pothole post...huh, fine, I'll click in. Oh, it's about that ramen. Yeah, see, this guy gets that it's a bad idea to repair things for free! NEXT!
Listen here, sweetheart, your water wouldn't taste funny if you didn't choose to live in an apartment complex. Get a man and he'll buy you a house...No, that's not sexist to say. That kicker said basically that so I can say it too! I'm tired of you all trying to give opinions on my opinions. I'm just going to stop. No I'm not being chicken!

Until next time, I'm Hank 'The Tank' Jefferson. You stay classy Lower Duck Pond!

Hiee, Realization while writing the title, you feel better about yourself when you feel no control over others in your mind. But saying that I also feel that it is not completely possible. but yeah till a certain extent. Even while I am writing the first thing that comes to my mind, so many people who is going to read this, But Is so many people going to read this??? Anyway, I wanted to write my experience, unfiltered, raw, naive and all the possible adjectives that define my mind presently. So it's my second month of using a menstrual cup I never found myself soo happily dancing on my second day of heavy bleeding. It made me feel like I axed a chain to fly high, I could lift my leg in 90 degrees without the fear of blood coming out. Oh god I got an adrenaline rush writing it. I wonder how this small tiny thing have so much of power to make me feel soo good about myself.
God Bless who so ever made this. It is good indeed Okah energy lost Tata

First Previous Next
*Knock* *Knock*
A soft knock gently woke me up from my dreamless slumber. When I opened my eyes, I was met with a pitch black expanse. I noted that the retina-destroying light bulb must have been turned off at some point. Feeling around, I could feel my body was less sore then it was the previous, what I’ve taken to calling sleep cycles, as it didn’t feel quite right to call anything night or day anymore.
Still, though, I could feel a distinct pang of pain that shot through me every time I tried to perform an action more complex than raising my right hand, while doing anything with my left was completely out of the picture. With apprehension, I crossed my right arm across my body to gently grope around my left in an attempt to find the part that was actually broken, but it was to no avail, as all I achieved in doing so was hurting myself.
*Knock* *Knock*
Oh right, the door. Were they waiting for me to allow them in? In that case, this definitely isn’t Guard.
“You can come in.” I yelled hesitantly.
The door flew open at such speed that I wouldn't be surprised if the door fell off its space hinges. In the doorway, a figure stood. I couldn’t quite identify their features, but their silhouette was enough to identify the fact they weren’t too tall, by space standards, of course. They still appeared to be easily 6 foot, but at this point I could barely even consider that height tall. No, what actually grabbed my attention was the several appendages that were attached to the top of their head, and that were currently freely swaying in the wind, like seaweed in the ocean. One was currently wrapped around the door knob, clueing me into the fact they were also completely autonomous. Honestly, they reminded me a lot of… tentacles. Shit.
“S-Sorry.” Their voice and movement was shaky and erratic. They walked inside the room before quickly closing the door behind them, their features now much more visible, including the dark yellow coat and pitch black pants they wore. The gray skin across their slightly, to be nice I’ll just say chubby, body was the first notable feature. The second was the feathery gills almost identical to those of axolotl’s on the side of their head. Their face was soft, like the rest of the body, with a giant pair of pink, egg-shaped eyes that hadn't yet left the floor. Their bottom and top lip were not long enough to connect, leading to their mouth being permanently open. Their cone shaped head started pointed at the chin area, and widened out until it was big enough to accommodate the multitude of appendages on their head. They truly looked like an evolved axolotl, sans tail. “I’ve been working out recently, g-guess I don’t know my own strengths anymore.” They nervously chuckled while rubbing their webbed hands together.
“Uh, it’s alright. I mean, it’s not my door so I don’t mind.” I said in an attempt to comfort them. “No shame in working out. It’s clearly effective, right?” At this, the feathery gills adorning their head pulsed slightly in a pink light, before quickly returning to their non-luminescent state. For the first time since they came into the room, they looked at me.
“A-are you the Hum’un.”
“Who are you?” I tried not to be rude, as so far they had given me no reason to be, but it was also imperative I didn’t let my guard down. Better safe than sorry.
“Doctor!” They practically yelled, before seemingly becoming embarrassed. “Sorry, I’m sorry. Doctor, a-as in, that’s wh-what I am. For you. That is.” Christ, and I thought I was nervous.
“What would a doctor of a different species do for me? We don't exactly share the same body.” I tried to not be confrontational, but at the same time, it was a real concern that I knew might impede any help I could receive.
“N-no worries, I’m no regular physician, I’m a trained interspecies specialist, specifically employed to help with whatever ailments might have befallen you. I have certifications in 7 different medical departments, over 8 polar cycles in non-primary education, have treated all sorts of species throughout the galaxy, almost-” I tuned out their accomplishments by this point, letting the ramblings just wash over me. They. I’ve just been saying they as a placeholder until I could figure out their gender, but maybe it was silly to assume an alien would always be male or female, especially considering this probably wasn’t even a mammal, judging by their aquatic look and the fact they lacked any mammary tissue. I mean, so do I, but… whatever. They would probably be fine. “Isn’t that impressive?”
“Hm? Oh, yeah it is. Great job.” I gave a reassuring smile that they appeared to have appreciated. “So, do we begin now, or?” I cut myself off to give them an opening to talk, as it didn’t seem in their nature to have the confidence to initiate.
“Y-yes, of course.” They walked up to the side of my bed before continuing. “I have been tasked with going over any injuries you may have sustained during your last mission. Is this correct?”
“I was hurt pretty bad, yes.”
“Great! Not because you were hurt, of course, just as in, you know.” The gills pulsated again.
“Calm down, I get it.”
“Mhm, of course.” They looked around before continuing. “Before we begin, mind answering a couple survey questions? It won't take long.”
“Questions? Really?” My patience for any sort of questions had run thin after yesterday's fiasco, and it wasn’t something I wanted repeated.
“J-just a couple regarding who you are. It will help me treat you b-better.”
“Fine.”
“Perfect!” They ruffled through coat pockets using the appendages on their head before pulling out a crumpled piece of paper. “Firstly, are you a mammal? Yes or no.”
“Yes.” They emerged a small circle shaped object from their pocket before gliding it gently across the paper, leaving a symbol containing a large circle on the outside with different sized circles on the inside..
“Second, what is your gender?”
“Male.” Again, the object gently flew across the paper.
“Thirdly, does your blood contain any chemicals?”
“Mainly copper, but also some other metals like iron.” I explained. I hoped they wouldn’t ask any questions about my anatomy more complex than that, as my limited biology knowledge wouldn’t get me very far. “Also oxygen. A lot of oxygen.” With one last swipe on the paper, they folded the paper back up before stuffing it back into a pocket.
“Thank you so much for cooperating! You know, you’re nowhere near as aggressive as they said you would be.” The doctor spoke absentmindedly as the appendages began to pull out instruments from their pockets.
“Really? They labeled me as “aggressive?” Maybe if they didn’t try to tear me down at every opportunity, I wouldn’t have a reason to be “aggressive.” Have they ever thought about that?” I steadily raised my voice, making sure that anyone outside could hear me.
“No! Th-that's not it at all. They just implied it because injured animals are usually more aggressive. That’s all!” They sputtered in an attempt to reassure me.
“Animal? Fucking animal?” I muttered incredulously. That implication made me fume. “I’m not some stupid animal that broke its paw; some animal that would die in the wilderness without aid. If I was left in that forest, guess what? I would have found a way to survive. My species was built to survive.” In an attempt to show the doctor what I meant, I decided, for the first time since I was getting knocked around by drones, to move on my legs. I carelessly moved my legs off the bed before gaining enough ambition to jump off.
“Y-You really shouldn’t do that!” The doctor warned, taking a step back to avoid my wake. As I was too focused trying to grow accustomed to the weakness in my legs, I ignored them. I couldn’t stand on my own, instead opting to use the support of the bedside desk as support. Whether this was because I hadn’t used my legs in over a day, or because of any sort of injuries I may have sustained, I wasn’t sure, but ultimately it didn’t matter, as the result was still the same. “Please, sit back-”
“SHUT UP!” They jumped back, almost falling over in the process. Damn it, I didn’t mean to yell, it was just the strain I was putting on myself that made it hard to regulate my volume. Still, it was obvious what they were implying through their facade of “concern.” “I can, ugh, I can do this, back off!” I swung my arm forward for no real reason. They were too far away to hit, being more off a signal to not get near. I took another step.”
“Please, don’t come any closer.” Their voice was soft but at the same time obviously urgent. “You’ll get yourself hur-”
“That’s what you think.” I took another step. “You think you already know me.” Another step. Unfiltered resentment spilled out of me as I continued to move forward, despite the pain in my legs. “You don’t know anything about me. You, no, they all think they know what makes me tick. How to keep me down.”
“Don’t take another step.” Their appendages going wild, each either wrapping around themself for protection, or sticking forward at me. “I-I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Try it.”
“W-what?”
“Try it. Try to hurt me. You lay even a single one of those tentacles on me, I will rip each one off your stout head, Axolotl.” With one final step, I was now far enough away to no longer reach the desk, but even without it, I stood. “So try it, because you have no idea what I’m cap-AGHHHH!” Before I could react, an invisible stream of electricity shot out from a device one of the appendages was holding, sending bolts of pure lightning through my veins.
The sudden pain was intense enough to make me blackout for a couple of seconds. Even after, my vision was still blurry, and all I could hear was a piercing ring. I could feel my legs give out from under me as I fruitlessly swung my arms in all directions to find something for support. This was unsuccessful, and in a moment, I was off my feet and cascading to the ground. I closed my eyes and braced myself for impact, for the feeling of smashing my already broken arm into the ground, but that feeling never came. Instead, I felt multiple firm, long limbs brace around my waist, my legs, and across my chest, keeping me upright.
My brain was too fried to be confused, to fight back, so instead I leaned into the appendages. They didn’t wrap around me tightly, just enough to keep me supported. They slithered across my surface, trying to find crooks in my body for better leverage, or so I assumed. Eventually, they found some appropriate spots to wrap around for the best support. It was comfortable for me. So comfortable, in fact, I didn’t even notice my feet leave the ground.
When I did, I didn’t even have the energy to react,simply going limp in their grasp. I was in the air for what felt like an eternity, which, in reality, was probably 30 seconds at most. I was enveloped by the feeling of my cushy bed. I was pressed into it with more force than was suitable, though I suppose it was a subliminal message to me that I shouldn’t try to leave it. The appendages untangled from my body and soon, all I could see, hear, and process was a faint ringing in my ear and blurred vision that left me in no position to even try and speak.
This lasted for several minutes as I was stuck between what felt like two planes of reality. It was a disorienting mess of stimuli that I had no way of understanding in the state I was in, like how seizures are described. Was I having a seizure?
Several more moments passed, and right as I started to consider that option seriously, my vision slowly began restoring itself around the edges. So did any physical sensation outside of the after shock, shortly afterward. My tongue still felt heavy in my mouth, though, and the taste of copper still lingered, similar to the taste of a bag of electrified pennies shoved down my throat.
That’s just about when I finally heard them again.
“-and I know I shouldn’t have but I got scared and again I’m sorry I didn’t know it was on full charge and I should have checked but also I should have never used it because I was capable of stopping you without it but I was scared and I was in no authority to use it and I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry-”
I attempted a response to the ramblings that had been going on for however long, but all that came out was a bemused grunt followed by a coughing fit. It wasn’t very effective in communicating anything, not even being loud enough to get their attention. So I tried again. “Sss.”
They jumped back at the loud hissing sound. “A-a-are you okay?”
“Ss-shut up.” I practically gurgled out from the depths of my throat. “You talk too much.”
“O-oh th-thank goodness you’re ok. I’m so sorry about this. I shouldn’t have shot the Tuca’p, it was brazzen and unprofessional of me. I should have done something, anything other then-”
“Shut up.” Their expression dropped. “Quit making so many excuses, you don’t need any. I was being a dick to you, which you didn’t deserve. You were only reciting what they said. I shouldn’t have taken that out on you.” Despite everything, I’m glad I never lost the ability to find humor in a facial expression, because the one I was witnessing was priceless. I would have laughed if I’d remembered. “You know, you're not too bad.”
“I-I don’t-I’m not sure what it is-excuse me, I don’t… Thank you.” Their gills flushed a vibrant hue of pink light, filling the entire room for only a moment. “Thank you.”
I picked myself up from the groove in the bed. “Why were you here again?”
“Oh, right!” Instantly, the appendages shot in all directions, some grabbing tools from their pockets, off the desk, while two latched under my arms, and another around my waist. “Is this alright?”
“Sure.”
“Ok, perfect!” They got closer to me, really close, actually, and brought the tools along. “Now, firstly, I’m going to gently move your limbs, and you’re going to tell me if anything hurts, ok?”
“Understood.” Without further warning, the appendages wrapped around the base of my arm next to the shoulder and began to rhythmically shake them. Instantly, I felt a sharp pain in my left bicep. “Fuck.”
“Where?”
“Left. Left arm.”
“Can you use your right to show the afflicted area.” At this point, it was less of a question and more of a command. Without another word, I wriggled my right hand out of their grip and ran my fingers across the afflicted parts of my arm. This ended up consisting of the entirety of it from my shoulder to just before my hand. Damn, I must have really messed myself up.
“Right here.”
“Interesting.” The limbs suddenly left my arms and briefly went to my legs. “Anything?” They asked as they shook my legs firmly.
“No.”
“What about-” They cut themselves off while two appendages ran across my torso and body. As they went, they firmly pressed against me in another attempt to find any pain.
“I don’t think your going to find anything broken ther-shit!” The limbs immediately stopped at the point I made noise.
“Interesting.” They lightly pressed down on the spot, eliciting the same reaction from me.
“Mind telling me what's here?”
“As in bone structure? Well, on either side of my body I have 12 bones that wrap around the interior of myself. We call it a ribcage, ‘cause it’s like a cage.” It was weird to describe an aspect of the human body that is so ubiquitous that in any other circumstance, would not even require a second breath.
“From what I can feel,” they pressed down against the spot again for emphasis, “ It appears something is looser than the other bones around it. Is that normal?”
“No, I think I might have cracked a rib.”
“Will you heal on your own?”
“Aside from getting a limb chopped off, I can heal from just about anything given enough time.”
“Impressive.” They paused awkwardly like they were about to continue, but stopped before the words could leave their mouth, instead just hanging agape like a fish drowning in air. “”Y-you’re impressive.”
The last stutter made me realize how they were completely stutter-free for the entirety of the check-up. Turns out being good at a job brings out the confidence in someone. It was funny, ‘cause I could relate.
“I know.” I couldn’t help but give a smug smile. “Of course I know!”
“I’m glad.” From a coat pocket, they pulled out a small square with a sac full of a purple liquid on the back. On the front, small metal teeth lined the edges of the square, all of which protruded perfectly forward. “That being said, I have some medicine that will speed up the process. Now, if you’ll just stick out an arm.” The appendage slithered its way up the length of my arm and gripped tightly at the elbow. Without further pause, the strange square was pushed into my arm, and started to inject itself into my bloodstream.
The sensation was strange, feeling like an ice cold liquid was dumped directly into my veins. I flinched and yanked my arm back, the square unbothered by this sudden movement as it was completely dug into my arm.
“How is this going to help exactly?”
“The liquid should fuse with your blood cells and increase their proficiency. Y-You have blood cells, right?”
“Yes, I have blood cells. What doesn’t?”
“I don’t know, it's just you’re strange.”
“I know I am, a lot of people have been telling me that recently.” When the square was just about finished depositing the liquid, I yanked it out from my arm and threw it on the nearby desk. “A lot of people.”
“I’m sorry.”
“What was that?”
“I’m sorry The Council and their team haven't met your expectations of decency.” They spoke with a smooth tone that made it clear every word was carefully chosen. “And I’m sorry I contributed to that when I unintentionally disrespected you earlier. I never want anyone to feel that way. I know how it can feel.”
I didn’t respond, not because I understood them, or appreciated the apology, or the words that should have given me some sense of retribution, but because I had nothing to say. The words were phony, they rang hollow because I knew they had no worth whatsoever. What would I do with a sorry, and what did they even represent? That they cared? I think I could count the amount of people who have ever had genuine respect for me on one hand, and even then, that takes time. I have no reason to believe this one who I met 20 minutes ago had any reason to care, so I said nothing.
“W-well, I should be going now. I checked on all parts of your body, and judging by the amount of damage, you should be back up and running in barley a couple Anex’s, so I see no reason why you should worry.”
“Ok.” Their expression faltered, this time giving me no amusement. “Thanks.” I turned away from them, and proceeded to focus on the machines whirling next to me as a distraction until they left.
Finally, after a minute or so, I started to hear footsteps walk towards the door. Then, “You’re not what they say you are.”
“...”
“I know we just met, and I know we don’t know anything about each other but… I know you’re more than some aggressive fighter, more than what's under the surface.”
“...”
“I just… I just don’t believe they know that. Neither do you.” The door opened, signifying their exit. “By the way, I’ll deliver you some clothes next Anex.” And just like that, they were gone.
I didn’t understand that last statement for a minute, before looking down and suddenly remembering I was completely naked save for the crumpled blanket that lay on the floor. ‘Shit, have I been like this the entire time?’ The embarrassment that filled me was immense, and honestly made me laugh with how I didn’t notice. It was enough to, briefly, distract me from what they said to me.
I wanted to act like they had no effect on me, like with the apology, but for some reason I just couldn’t. The words clung to me, and I couldn’t help but ponder them. It was only when I reminded myself of the fact we had only briefly interacted, and that they had no knowledge of me as a person, that I threw the statement to the side to forget about. ‘First impressions are often misleading.’
They were interesting, that's for sure, but they quickly left my mind. What replaced it was the persistent thought that I was weak for rotting in this bed the past couple days. Sure I needed to heal, but by this point, it was plenty. I knew I needed to make myself feel better, and the only way I could was by proving those days of rest meant something. To prove this, I was going to walk.
I had already done it, but that was done for a different reason, and I wanted to prove it wasn’t a one time thing. So I scooted off the bed and with a deep breath, I put both legs on the ground. The immediate pain I felt made me question how I was even able to do it the first time. Still I didn’t let it deter me, and with one step in front of the other, I moved. I moved forward, not gracefully, not quickly, but I moved forward, like I was taught to do.
I touched the wall on the other side of the room and briefly rested against it for support, before walking back to the bed, then back to the wall, over, and over, and over again. The repetition showed it was worth it, showed that I was, in fact, a fighter.
‘Ha, shows what they know.’

WARNING, LONG AS FUCK. SORRY

Intro
Hello! As this insane situation continues on, I’ve seen lots of comments about the Korean reaction to it. There have been lots of comments expressing bafflement that so many people around the world, but particularly in Korea, seem to be supporting MHJ. A lot of people have also expressed confusion (and sometimes anger) and question how this woman became a ‘feminist icon’ since her fiery press conference.
A lot of people have given brief explanations about how she appealed to the working class and how her anger resonated with the anger of so many young women in Korea. And indeed, MHJ support was most prevalent in online communities frequented by young or young adult women. So what gives?
I chanced upon this incredibly well written article, which explains just how MHJ was able have such a chokehold on the Korean general public, and all the ‘cultural context’ (very hot phrase these days lol) to understand MHJ’s angle. I’ve seen many of the points this article makes around on this subreddit, but not consolidated as well as this. It also conveniently summarizes this entire case (until the 17th anyway)!
I considered just adding it as a comment on the existing megathreads, but (excuse my greed) I wanted as many eyes on it as possible. And also this shit doesn't fit in a single comment...
Here is the link to the article and below is my translation of it. Please excuse any grammar mistakes or typos. Do keep in mind that this is, in the end, an opinion piece and does go against MHJ’s stance. I hope you’ll read with an open mind if you support MHJ.
What about Min Heejin is making people so fanatic?
[Mediaus=Reporter Yoon Kwangeun’s Column]
The feud between HYBE and Min Heejin has become increasingly chaotic as days go by. In fact, now it is confusing to even try and remember what the initial cause of this feud. Both sides entered their first legal procedure on the 17th. This hearing was for a provisional injunction filed by Min Heejin (hence shortened to MHJ because I’m lazy), CEO of ADOR, to prohibit the use of HYBE’s voting rights (in the upcoming shareholder meeting).
This fight is being fiercely fought in the court of public opinion. The younger generation and female-dominated communities are supporting MHJ, while other sites seem more divided in their support for either side. Both HYBE and MHJ have been repeatedly exposing each other to try and sway public opinion, and on the 17th, there have been a deluge of articles airing each other’s dirty laundry. In particular, MHJ’s side’s method of winning the public opinion seemed to focus on diverting the discussion from issues like embezzlement and the takeover of management rights to generating negative public opinion towards HYBE. During this process, broader topics regarding the sustainable development of Kpop and many HYBE groups, such as ILLIT, Le Sserafim, and BTS have been targeted in these exposés. Currently, public opinion on most SNS platforms and majority of large communities are overwhelmingly critical of HYBE. This article will present and examine the stances and strategies of MHJ’s side that has resonated with the public in order to separate true and false.
When HYBE first publicized this case with the keyword ‘takeover of management rights,’ it looked as though MHJ was cornered at a cliff’s edge. To be able to completely turn the tides shows the enormous impact of that press conference. In truth, it was as if everyone had been bewitched. As soon as the conference ended, the internet exploded with talk about MHJ, and many TV journalists were busy praising it as “shocking.” What MHJ did exactly is ‘public agitation’ (used in a neutral sense). Her opponent during this press conference was not Bang Sihyuk but the ‘public,’ and her aim was not to clarify the existing accusations but to introduce her own. In doing this, she expanded the scope of the case and simultaneously seized the initiative. While many people evaluated the conference with keywords such as ‘honesty’ and ‘impulsiveness,’ in truth, it was meticulously prepared and controlled.
Her approach was effective because she presented topics that people could easily understand. The points of contention during this feud—embezzlement, control of management rights, and shareholder contracts—are difficult and tedious to understand without knowledge of corporate law. Initially, public opinion simplified the issue by criticizing MHJ as someone ungrateful to the company that supported her. This reaction was a form of false consciousness, following the perspective of the ruling class and lambasting her for throwing muddy water (i.e. to make dirty) on the current social order held by ‘money and corporate power.’
In this situation, MHJ broke the mold by creating a popular “narrative.” During the press conference, as if sharing the nitty-gritty details of her personal diary, she shared stories of a mother-daughter relationship with NewJeans, of the hardships of the working class, of the suffering of women under ‘fucking boomers (gae-jussis),’ and of the hypocrisies within the Kpop industry, weaving a Cinderella-like tale while casting the role of the evil stepsister to other idol groups with existing negative public opinion. She utilized intuitive topics that the general public could easily understand and threw out bait to fandoms who were used to discussing such topics as if experts, igniting the fuse on this explosive issue. MHJ positioned herself as a woman/motheworkeartist and claimed the position of the underdog/victim, while attributing HYBE with the label of oppressoassailant opposing these identities. The one word to perfectly tie the entire narrative together: ‘gae-jussi.’
This process unfolded like a monodrama, vividly expressing her unfiltered emotions. As she cried and laughed and raged and swore and shouted, an overwhelming flood of emotions—unimaginable in a typical press conference—swept through the audience, captivating their eyes and ears. In fact, this format was not unfamiliar to many people. It bore a resemblance to the emotions felt in ‘internet livestreaming.’ BJs (broadcast jockeys) on AfreecaTV conduct themselves similarly—crying, laughing, raging, swearing, and dissing others on camera. These intense emotions are then consumed as ‘tension’ and ‘dopamine’ by the audience. For the younger generation accustomed to such internet broadcasts, witnessing such scenes in a formal setting must have been both novel and familiar, and thus a fascinating experience. On the other hand, for those not familiar with such experiences, the press conference may have merely been ‘shocking’ or even deviant behavior. MHJ tailored her appeal to the dominant code of contemporary society, especially to that of the young internet masses.
Storytelling of a Good vs. Evil Narrative
In summary of MHJ’s actions, she adapted the narrative structure of the dispute, weaving a story by rearranging the roles of good and evil. She presented a simple and classic moral tale of good triumphing over evil and positioned herself on the side of virtue. From the press conference to her current interactions with the media, every topic MHJ has raised aims to portray HYBE as a public ‘villain’ and appeals to the public to judge ‘HYBE’s sins.’ In the name of this cause, topics such as the criticism of multi-label diversity, random photocard marketing tactics, and the recent claim of album pushing (sajaegi) have been summoned for her cause, even though they are not directly related to the dispute’s initial topic.
MHJ’s agitation is reminiscent of certain types of politicians who are gaining traction today: those who claim to represent the grassroots, the ‘common man,’ while stirring hostility towards the elite. A by-the-books populist tactic. They ride the wave of social conflict, stoking people’s anger and then presenting targets for that anger. MHJ also added a layer of nationalism to this conflict by calling out Miyawaki Sakura, a Japanese-born idol, and labeling her as an ‘outsider’ who was taking what is rightfully NewJeans’. In doing this, she insinuated that Korean women were being discriminated against because of a Japanese woman. Various ‘pro-Japanese’ conspiracy theories about LE SSERAFIM and HYBE circulating the dark recesses of YouTube and online communities stem from this anti-Japanese sentiment. (Note: the term ‘pro-Japanese’ used here is ‘친일파,’ a very loaded term attributed to pro-Japanese Koreans during Korea’s colonization by Japan. Much worse than just ‘traitor’)
The real danger is that her strategy punishes those who are not responsible. MHJ has directly named NewJeans, ILLIT, and LE SSERAFIM, and placed them in the roles of good and evil under the role of her and Bang’s “children.” The story of ILLIT copying NewJeans, and of NewJeans’ debut being delayed by LE SSERAFIM plays a central role in this Kpop ‘Cinderella’ story that MHJ has strategically revealed to establish her narrative. Prior hostility from encore and Coachella controversies were reignited towards LE SSERAFIM and ILLIT was dragged into the spotlight as a ‘fake NewJeans’ to be publicly shamed.
Public opinion was largely flipped due to the sadism and retributive psychology of a crowd immersed in the narrative of good triumphing over evil. After the press conference, malicious comments regarding ILLIT and LE SSERAFIM surged across communities, YouTube, and all social media platforms. LE SSERAFIM and ILLIT have done nothing but be contracted to a company and work under said company. And yet, they have become villains, not for any wrongful actions, but because they were on the opposite side of a narrative established in one press conference’s monodrama. The severity of these malicious comments has reached alarming and dangerous levels, with malicious comments not only flooding the group accounts but also individual members’ Instagram accounts, receiving thousands of likes. This wave of public opinion also extends to other celebrities who have collaborated with these groups, urging them to “distance themselves” while mockingly mentioning NewJeans. MHJ has continually brought up these groups and much of her current dominance in entertainment communities and social media platforms is largely supported by the hostile public opinion towards this group. This method of mobilizing public opinion is morally questionable and dangerous.
Misinformation Arising from the Narrativization of Reality
The “narrativization of reality” can be an easy means for the public to understand and engage with reality. However, it can also be a trap that distorts one’s perception by fitting that reality into the plot of a story. Facts that do not align with the good vs. evil narrative of MHJ vs. HYBE are dismissed, and those that neatly fit this mold are adopted and exaggerated. Under this framework, it is impossible to accurately understand the hot topic of “the reality of the Kpop industry” and only leads to inaccurate discussions and conclusions. The alleged wrongdoings of HYBE are isolated as purely HYBE’s faults rather than being connected to a broader reflection of the Kpop industry. This phenomenon arises as public agenda (i.e. societal issues) becomes co-opted as a weapon in the battle of public opinion.
MHJ receives significant support from the feminist perspective, as her situation is being viewed through a lens that criticizes a male-dominated society. This is likely due to the image and narrative MHJ has crafted for herself, portraying herself as a “female employee oppressed in a society full of fucking boomers/gae-jussis.” Like in many other fields, there is a consensus that protecting a “successful woman,” which is especially rare in the entertainment industry, from the attacks of male executives aligns with the values of feminism. The article “Before Pointing Fingers at This Woman for Being Eccentric” published by 한겨레21 is an example of this stance. This article evaluates the situation from a feminist perspective but does not consider MHJ’s past actions and values, rather simplistically placing her in the position of an individual woman against the universal norm of a male-dominated group. This is despite the fact that even during the press conference, MHJ revealed perspectives mirroring ‘toxic masculinity.’
By evaluating the ages of female trainees, the appearance of the NewJeans members, and equating womanhood with motherhood, she adheres more with patriarchal conventions. An older woman in the industry, labelling members of ILLIT and LE SSERAFIM—young women who are just setting foot in the industry—as ‘outsiders’ or ‘insiders’ is, even viewed from the kindest of lens, very far from the solidarity that feminism seeks. MHJ’s behavior as a creative director is also very far from feminist principles and often contradicts them. For instance, when the MV for NewJeans’ ‘OMG’ was released, there was controversy as she depicted the gender-based criticism against the group as actions of mentally ill haters (Note: explanation below). Additionally, the story that emerged on the 17th about a sexual harassment complaint involving ADOR’s deputy CEO, alleging that MHJ demanded the deputy CEO treat female employees with an overbearing attitude, is difficult to dismiss. It gives the impression that MHJ is not representing feminism but rather, using feminism as a tool in the battle for public opinion.
Attitudes demonstrating a positive evaluation of MHJ seems particularly strong in progressive media. This attraction towards MHJ is also understandable. She claimed a victory against the elite class using a populist framework and overturned the institutional media’s narrative with a single press conference. On YouTube and online communities, she has garnered considerable support from ‘grassroots’ communities. Her story is filled with elements that progressive media find compelling. However, this attraction should not replace an objective evaluation and reflection of the situation. MHJ’s press conference was inappropriate not just because she abandoned formal public speaking decorum. It was filled with morally and politically incorrect elements, and the emotions it stirred were the core mechanism that captivated public opinion. This spectacle, catharsis, and value inversion are not far removed from the foundation of what society has termed, ‘extreme right wing’.
The unfairness I feel becomes justification when self-rationalizing my behavior, and the dichotomy of ‘my children vs others’ children’ becomes moral legitimacy for my survivalism. This becomes the basis for believing that any action is excusable so long as it is directed towards those who have a reason to be criticized. Survivalism, retributive justice, ideologies instrumentalized for conflict, and the violence of the crowd… These concepts all resonate strongly with people’s social identities and are reflected in the enthusiasm for the press conference (Note: essentially, people feel strongly about their social identities of being a workewoman/man/etc and are prone to fall victim to the above traits). Many commentaries analyzing the ‘Min Heejin phenomenon’ have emerged, but none have questioned or reflected on this point. This may be evidence that the media and intellectuals ultimately view this incident as merely ‘celebrity gossip,’ downplaying its harm, but we must not overlook the fact that the codes of our society are embedded within it (translation into normal ass english: that this situation says a lot about Korean society and its people).
(Note on OMG MV, since it’s mostly a sexualization of minors and an age-thing in the West. The final scene, where someone writes ‘Am I the only one uncomfortable with the MV’s content’[뮤비 소재 나만 불편함?] is also worded quite similarly to a phrase “Unnie, am I the only one uncomfortable with this?” [언냐 이거 나만 불편함?], a phrase used in misogynistic and anti-feminist circles to mock feminists and how they complain online.)
Thanks for reading until the end! It was a pretty hefty read, but I think it brings in a lot of societal issues in with this whole MHJ situation. Societal issues that aren't really unique to Korea, but are definitely particularly contentious here.
For the sake of being fair, I do want to emphasize that it may well be true that HYBE participated in some of the things MHJ is accusing them off (the industry stuff, not the mistreatment or copying stuff). But I hope that this gives some insight into how MHJ is muddying the waters to hide the initial reason for this conflict.
To leave on a high note, playing with people's emotions is playing with fire. Once people sniff out the bs, they'll come back with a vengeance. This is already starting to happen in Korea.
I'm never gonna make a post this long again. I almost died. Please feel free to discuss parts of the article that stood out to you, or say 'called it' on the points you already knew lol

23rd: Jane Bright (Nicaragua - 6th)

A deserving, incredible Survivor endgame level character standing next to Jane Bright.
u/SMC0629:
I don't have Jane in my personal endgame, but I'm not mad at all that she made it here. She's probably the most divisive character in Nicaragua, but I personally love her. She's got a spunky attitude, has a great rivalry with Marty, great relationship with Chase, and has one of my favorite eliminations ever. Her boot is so god damn memorable, that lasting moment of the alliance telling her it's gonna be her tonight, with Jane in complete shock and despair is just perfect. One of the best characters of Nicaragua for sure.
~
u/DryBonesKing:
Jane is on a very small list of players who I think has run the entire spectrum in terms of where they land in my rankings. Top ten, top hundred, middle of the pack, bottom hundred, bottom ten… I think I understand pretty much every Jane take known to humanity, cause I’ve had them. Nowadays, I tend to lean more positive on her, but I definitely still have too many issues I’m hyper aware of to let her rank too highly for me.
“What if we have Rupert’s hero edit to someone who was just really really mean, and did the bare minimum to hide it” is genuinely hilarious to me. Jane’s got good energy and her many, many, many feuds (the majority of which being with Marty) make her a great character to guide the narrative. There’s also just her boot episode, which is like… way too good of an episode for Nicaragua. I think I’m neutral-lean positive on Nicaragua, but it’s not a season that does a ton for me, but dear god, Jane’s boot and the scene of her dousing the camp fire is like so fucking metal.
She’s such a raw, powerful person. I think my biggest issue with her right now is just that, in a similar vein to Brandon Hantz, sometimes she feels a little too real at times. Like is she funny when she’s talking shit about Marty? Yes! Is the story great? Yes! But does some of what she says about Marty and his kids feel a bit too much? Yes, very much so. It’s not enough to detract from her character, but again… Brandon Hantz-tier of character. For me, that’s a pretty big compliment, but I also do not keep him in my Top 100. Same with Jane. But despite being one of the names that made Endgame that I disagree with the most, I am very curious and excited to see our resident “Least Sane Jane Bright Enjoyer” spin a tale or two about why she deserves to be up here!
Overall Rank – 138/821
~
u/Zanthosus:
While I disagree with her being endgame, I understand the reasoning and defense behind it. I respect the hustle that Tom did to get her here and I’m happy for him that Jane made her first endgame.
~
u/Regnisyak1:
I love that Jane is here, I am not even going to lie. Before my recent rewatch, I had Jane in the 200s, and after my rewatch, I was completely blown away at how complex her character is and the great relationships she had all season. To me, she felt real with her hatred, and the switch between the dry laugh we know her for, to the nasty person she became was endlessly incredible, she was such a great part of Nicaragua and one of the few praises I have for that season. Plus, when she finds out Chase, Holly, and Sash are voting for her, the music change and piano chord that happens there might be the piece media I have ever seen. Congrats Tom for getting her here!
Personal Rank: 73/821. 9/10.
~
u/ninjedi1:
Nicaragua is such a great season due to how emotionally charged it is, and Jane is a big part of that. Jane is the sweet southern lady until she feels crossed, then she has a whole vendetta against anyone who crosses her, so it's a lot of great fun. She is not in my personal endgame, but I can always appreciate a kooky character showing up in it.
~~~~~
u/Tommyroxs45:
Jane Bright:
This is undoubtedly my most anticipated write up of the rankdown, I have such a love for Jane and everything she does for Nicaragua. She has one of the best stories of all time, and just has so many moments that further it and make it cohesive. And that is what I will explain today. Jane is not just some badass southern old lady, ok well she is, but she’s also a very deep, broken old lady trying to put on a facade for herself. Her hatred towards everyone around her has its story and here it is…
The Mask
A lot like Rupert, Jane tries to paint a mask on herself as a hero and somebody who always follows her heart for the greater good. However, throughout the season we see cracks start to arise in this persona she puts on herself. She’s someone who needs a purpose and when somebody gets in the way of that, she gets insecure and bitter and that’s when we see the wrath of Jane break out.
The editors never try to pull the wool over your eyes by painting her as a hero, because they show petty rivalries with her and Marty and her boot episode meltdown. We get to see her from all angles, even if she only wants to present one. She’s insecure about herself, making her feel entitled to be treated as a queen and carried to the end due to her “heroic” manner. Once she realizes it doesn’t work like that and she actually has to play the game, all gloves come off and we get some of the most petty, uncalled for, or even bitchy moments that just have so much raw emotion.
She’s not painted as a hero while being an asshole (*cough* Ozzy *cough*) They show her as her flawed self, but they also let you make your own decision on what to feel without pushing a narrative onto you. Of course she wins Favorite Player at the reunion, so some people still thought she was a hero but you get to see this very broken and entitled person struggling. She really hates everyone but that’s not what she can show because that’s now who she wants to be and it’s such a complicated story arc throughout the season that we see the cracks grow and it’s told so subtlety but perfectly. And this is only the tip of the iceberg with how deep this old southern lady is.
Without this defining feature, she’d just be a badass southern lady but with it she becomes so much more just adding to this brilliant story building up all season until her boot episode. Her masking her real personality just makes her a much more complex character and when we see these glimpses of it, you start to realize, ohhh this is the person I’m supporting.
Even on top of the mask, there is so much more to Jane’s character…
Grief
When you watch Nicaragua for the first time, this part of her character is not inherently obvious. Grief?!? What are you talking about? She just seems like a badass until she’s a bitter old hag for being the target. While, yes that’s a very simplified version of this, there’s so much more to dissect there. The grieving of her husband, greatly plays a role in her story, and although it’s sometimes subtle you can see how it play into it so beautifully well.
In her very first confessional, what do we see Jane say?
“They think I'm some middle aged housewife that tootles around the house all day long, they’re in for a big surprise. Because that is definitely not me. I'm fifty-six years old and I'm the type person that stays busy all the time doing things. I just don't think there's anything I can't do. Winning the million dollars is real important to me ‘cause it’ll help me pay off my farm and the fact that I lost my husband, uh, in '09, it-it-it means I wouldn't have to work as hard as I do. But his spirit, I know is still with me and that's what keeps me going.”
Her husband obviously is impacting her mentally during this season, and we see this throughout the game. Every Time somebody makes a gesture that they want her out, her personal viper just breaks out. This is because she knows this is getting in the way of her dream, and the spirit of her husband that made her want to do this and she’s not letting anybody take that from her.
She’s still grieving and wants to win for her husband, and it is a very sweet story but sadly it takes a dark turn as she starts using this as entitlement for her to win. She believes she’s obligated to be brought to the end because of who she is and the loss of her husband and yeah, it’s dark but damn is it good when you think about it.
This is also why the family visit is SO important to her story in her boot episode. Right when her daughter, Ashley gets there, she starts talking about her husband and how Ashley is the one she is doing this for, to help her. This is WHO SHE IS FIGHTING FOR!
That is why it hits so hard when everyone flips on her! How dare they! She thinks. These people are voting me out right after I fought my hardest to give my daughter a better life?!? She’s one of the only I have left, this is disgusting. It’s so sad but at the same time it’s brilliantly shown not told. And what do you know, when Jane is talking about Sash’s mama raising him, she immediately brings up her daughter, just ugh how perfect does it round back to her family and her grief with loss.
Now obviously, does that make her outrage justified, I don’t know, maybe? Is she still kind of a bitch? probably! Is she a badass? Probably! That leads me to my next point.
Perspective
If you have read a lot of my other writeups on Nicaragua you would have noticed I love to talk about the perspective a lot of these characters receive on the season. Complimenting how diverse they can be seen depending on your morals or values. No character represents this better than Jane Bright.
How do I know this? Well let’s look at her placements in Rankdowns Past:
SRI - 485/501 - Seen as a bitchy, entitled, worse version of NaOnka, and someone who went way too personal in the game.
SRII - 455/537 - Seen as annoying and sour, forced fan favorite edit not giving her the trashing she deserved by the other tribemates.
SRIII - 549/575 - Seen as a narcissist and self-righteous, below the belt remarks and “a human embodiment of a rash” (that made me laugh a bit).
SRIV - 518/615 - Seen as an ultimately fascinating character, who got a dishonest edit that didn’t show her true side until the end. Ultimately ending up as an unlikable “venomous bitch” who somehow won fan favorite.
SRV - 108/653 - Seen as a great T.V personality whose kooky first half and vigorous 2nd half make for a good story and uplifts everyone around her while also being a great character.
SRVI - 127/731 (Had to be idoled to get here though smh) - Seen as a badass challenge competitor who is actually sour, who unfairly attacked Marty and is a bit too much when it comes to her toxic side to make her slightly less good.
SRVII - 185/767 - Seen as an extremely authentic personality and very entertaining to the chaos of Nicaragua, as well as having an iconic rivalry with Marty, being an iconic mother.
See the difference between one half and the other? Yeah, that shows just how well of a character she is edited as. She has so many times where she is shown to be a hero but juxtaposed with so many times she is shown as an asshole and it works off each scene perfectly. This is why we get such a difference of opinion and I think it’s told so well to where most people don’t even see it.
You have to weigh her good and bad and see based on your morals, if she’s a good person or not, and how acceptable or right was she for her constant hatred of others? I really love that as they aren’t trying to make you think a specific feeling about her. You need to come up with that conclusion yourself on how you think she is, that’s why she won the fan favorite vote in 2011 but today many call her an entitled bitch. (And yeah, she is but that’s a lot of what makes her so amazing).
Her kicking ass in challenges and being a lively spirit contrasted to her nasty demeanor to Jill and especially Marty personally attacking them and her boot episode meltdown, contribute to making one of the most wishy-washy characters when it comes to people’s opinions on her. I don’t what to be told how to feel, I want to come up with it on my own, and I feel like a lot of that has been lost in recent years of Survivor and seeing Jane and having all these different perspectives on her personality just adds so much life.
There is a reason why so many people despise her and so many people love her, she’s just edited that well to where people have had to come up with their own feelings about Jane. Not being coerced to feel a certain way, and I feel that is the best way to edit a character. What you see is what you see, not an objective stance the show is trying to put onto you, and I feel all of Nicaragua shows this but Jane is the prime example. Perspective means everything with her.
This makes her one of the most complex characters of all time, she’s either a broken woman seeking admiration, an entitled bitch, or a badass southern lady who is an inspiration. It’s all based on what you value and isn’t that what Survivor is all about, a social experiment where you weigh your values and personalities with each other to build a society.
Speaking of building a society, how is Jane’s relationships with the cast, well let’s see her main stars:
Sash: Jane and Sash’s dynamic isn’t really shown and I think that actually helps her and Sash’s story. Sash is sleazy and doesn’t really make any genuine connections and we see that in her breakdown scene. When you watch the moment she learns she’s going home and the confessional she gives, you see a direct tone shift from how she talks about Chase and how she talks about Sash. When she’s almost crying about Chase and his betrayal, she is outright vile and nasty when talking about Sash. Showing this major lack of connection between them, that she never saw him as a friend and will not hold back from releasing her rage on him.
Chase: Jane and Chase’s connection is one for the books. Both being from North Carolina and being southern types, they instantly bond and feel close to each other. Their relationship just feels more special than anyone else’s that season, that’s what makes the betrayal so much more entertaining. You literally see her about to cry over Chase, they really were close and got to know each other and just to have him stab her in the back, it’s so good. It just felt special but it wasn’t enough for him to not cut her…
Now how could you talk about relationships and not bring up Jane’s defining one…
Fartay:
Come on! This rivalry is one of if not the best rivalry in all of Survivor. They just despise each other and really are either of them in the right? Not at all, that’s what makes it so great. Marty’s a sleazeball, cocky, and a smart ass while Jane’s an entitled, bitter, old lady and they just work so well off each other. You just have personal jab after personal jab that is just so entertaining and perfectly helps tell Jane’s story.
There is really no reason why they should hate each other as much as they do but their walks of life and personalities just clash so hard that you still understand why they hate each other. Jane takes everything Marty does to heart without any grain of salt, and it makes her reactions so visceral and truly legendary. It’s what makes Jane the Jane we love to love or love to hate!
Now, I think it’s time to talk about the pinnacle of Jane. Her magnum opus if you will… her boot episode.
The Wrath of Jane Will Break Out Tonight
This is one of my favorite episodes of Reality TV. Everything about it is perfect and told in such a way to where it’s the perfect ending for such a broken character.
Building her up with her daughter coming during the family visit, talking about her and how much she wants to provide for her. Having a seed planted in Jane’s brain after she’s not taken to the reward thinking she was entitled to be brought.
Fabio winning immunity, throwing everything for a loop, just when Jane’s attitude has really started to shift and then we get to the scene. Which personally is my favorite scene in all of Survivor without a doubt. The scene where the alliance tells her it has changed and she’s going home is so brilliant. The raw awkwardness and silence next to Jane’s utter disbelief and anger. After she flips them off it is followed by again my favorite confessional of all time.
This is what she has been building up to, everything just falls about when she believed she deserved to win. Having such raw and unfiltered emotions where she’s about to break down and cry and then the turn to anger and fury bringing Sash’s mother into it, talking about how she raised a damn liar. (WITH THAT HEAD COCK THOUGH) All with very subtle sound effects or just no music at all until she gets up and makes one last hoorah by pouring water on the fire. “I started and I put it out” 🔥🔥🔥
Then we get to tribal, where Jane is just done with the bullshit and just calls everyone out for being liars and backstabbers. “The writings on the wall Fabio!” Like come on, that is TV gold, followed by the vote having Chase and Sash “cowardly” play their idols sticking it to Jane when she is already at her lowest by not even having her vote count. She leaves bitter and broken, not the happy ending she felt she deserved.
Mortgage Gate
I’m putting this here because that’s where it best fits, and this is brief because it doesn’t really affect my rankings on Jane because it’s not in the season.
I wish they did show this though, as having this added layer of controversy between Sash and Jane with real world implications would have been amazing, even if what Jane is saying isn’t true it still would’ve shown her as an ass, making up lies just to make someone look worse. I just think it’s such an interesting topic to discuss that I wanted to give it its own section. Sash is sleazy so I wouldn’t pass him to do that, however Jane is extremely bitter and entitled so I could also see her making that up, I guess we'll never really know will we… (I know Marty called the incident fake, but it’s Marty, of course he’s gonna dispute whatever Jane says, if she says the sky is blue, he’ll say it’s orange).
I'm Not Breaking My Tile!
This kind of relates to the mask section of this write up. However, I wanted to talk specifically about Jane’s challenge prowess and wins throughout the season and how much it adds to this arc. Building her up as this badass figure competing against big guys half her age and actually winning?!? It gives an excellent face to the real Jane, having this much courage to go against Chase and Fabio even after winning, not only being such a badass in that moment but showing how she’s trying to play up this persona of old challenge great.
Jane, The Tribe Has Spoken
So in conclusion, you can see that when you really glance over Nicaragua you don’t see Jane as some sort of deep character. However, when you really look into her and her actions and motives you see a broken old lady who is obviously grieving. She is such a deep and complex character that Nicaragua needed to really round out the story.
Jane isn’t supposed to be this likable hero, nor is she supposed to be a villain, she’s not edited as one archetype. However you value your morals, is how you will see Jane and even if you find her an ass, you have to admit they tell it very well. She’s also objectively entertaining, her rivalry with Marty, her being badass during challenges, cooking fish in the woods, her boot episode meltdown, and so much more are just so iconic to me and make this season what it is.
This write up obviously won’t sway everybody, but I hope that if you rewatch Nicaragua, take a closer look at Jane and her actions and see how it lines up with somebody like Rupert or Coach who are much more prevalent when it comes to these “entitled, broken, facade” archetypes. You will see a brilliant story of grief, hatred, entitlement, and a fake persona that the show knows she is trying to present.
Personally, Jane will always be one of my favorite characters of all time with amazing scenes and a story almost as complex as Ian’s. She didn’t win this rankdown, but she won my heart and has definitely earned herself a #1 spot on my rankings for this endgame.
SMC0629: 19
DryBonesKing: 21
Zanthosus: 24
Tommyroxs45: 1
Regnisyak1: 20
DavidW1208: 24
ninjedi1: 24
Average Placement: 19.000
Total Points: 133
Standard Deviation: 8.206 (2nd Highest)

Previous part
I stood in my doorway, frozen to the spot as Shaoni walked past me, into my house.
“Weren’t you going to invite me in?”
Shaoni cooed at me, somehow making the arbitrary question sound like a threat.
“I uh… what can I get you.”
I stammered out, automatically reverting to subservient. I know it sounds bad but when you’ve seen what I’ve seen her do you listen first, ask questions later.
“Is water alright? It’s all I’ve got since I only just moved here because… well I guess you know why already.”
I said, wanting to keep the orange juice I was currently hiding behind me in the fridge for myself.
“The visions? Yes I do know about them. It’s what drew all of you here, just like I wanted. Though you weren’t supposed to see the stage yet, none of you were.”
She said, narrowing her eyes at me, presumably because of my earlier expedition into the mine.
“Why do you keep saying “you” like there’s more than one of me?”
I asked, finally working up the confidence to question her.
“Because there is, do you really think you’re the only one I marked? Keith your a special case yes, but not that special.”
“Special case? What do you..”
“If you let me finish I’m getting to that.”
Shaoni cracked back at me, I could feel the pressure in the room rise with her temper.
“Sorry ma’am… it just slipped out.”
She seemed to find my knee-jerk formal apology amusing and the pressure in the room returned to normal.
“I offered several people the same deal I offered you, most accepted. These are the others I refer to, all of which are here or on their way here now. That’s what the dreams, visions, whatever you’d like to call them, were for.”
“So you wanted us here, all together in this one specific town, why?”
“The trials of course, if you remember you agreed to take a burden from me. I guess I would describe it more accurately as a gift but it has become a burden for me.”
“What is it?”
“Now where’s the fun in telling you now? Besides your smart enough, I’m sure you’ll figure it out on your own.”
She answered, smiling devilishly at me and sending little pin pricks of ice down my spine. I let the conversation fall silent for a bit, watching Shaoni sip absentmindedly at the glass of water I’d given her before I asked another question.
“So what exactly are these trials for?”
“I want to use them as a selection process, it separates the wheat from the chaff as the saying goes. Only one of you will take on my burden and I want to make sure its the right one.”
“Ok, that makes sense but I’ve still got one more thing. Why did you say I was special before?”
I inquired, as Shaoni got up and started to leave.
“Well, because this is all new to you, you have no idea of the forces really at play in the world, the “supernatural” is what you’d call it. You’re at a particular disadvantage because you didn’t know what you were getting into so I figured I’d help out of the kindness of my heart. In addition to that, many of those I’ve chosen came from my own followers. You are one of the few I found on my travels that accepted my deal. I believe in keeping things fair, and so I came to warn you of what’s to come.”
Shaoni told me as she walked out the door without so much as a goodbye. The storm that had been brewing outside left with her, dropping bits of cracked branches and loose leaves to the ground as she got further and further away. I finally realized I was still standing at my front door, glued in place watching her. Once I closed and locked the door I heard a shrill screech pierce the night as Shaoni shed her human appearance and took to the skies as I saw a single shiny grey feather flutter to the ground.
I didn’t get much sleep that night, I didn’t even try. After something like Shaoni waltzing into my home like she owned the place and telling me I’m about to be part of some kind of “trials”, I just gave up on sleep that night. What I was worried about more than anything was the fact that I didn’t have a choice. Sure, she had never said that out right but if she showed up to tell me the trials were starting and I said no, that wouldn’t go well. I’d probably end up like those men in Imalone, just ashes on the wind. There was something she wasn’t saying as well. Shaoni wanted to flaunt that there was some sort of reward at the end of this, that the whole process would help her select a “worthy candidate”. But the reward was also the burden I had agreed to take. If whatever it was was something she wanted to get rid of why would anyone look at it as a reward? Something just wasn’t adding up in my head so I decided not to think about it for a bit. I instead I threw on some clothes as the sun finally rose and made my way over to Bianca’s house to pick up my backpack that she still had.
“Hey there Frank. Where’s Stein I wanted to ask how that research was coming, and has anyone seen Bianca?”
I said as soon as I’d walked in the front door. Rocco was eating something out of a bowl on the counter top and shot to attention as he saw me.
“What do you just live here now?”
He remarked, whirling around to face me. Frank looked up from the paper he’d been reading at the counter and gave me a half hearted wave.
“Stein’s in the basement testing a few samples of thunderbird feathers Tuck brought in.”
“You know Tuck? The mountain that just so happens to run a bar in town, that Tuck?”
“Yes of course, he’s helped us immensely with developing a suppressant for lycanthropy.”
“I… we’ll unpack that one later I guess but I’ve got too find Bianca first, she still has something of mine. Let Stein know I’m looking for him if he comes back up.”
I told Frank as he nodded in acknowledgment and I made my way over to the stairs leading up to the second floor.
“Oh god dammit, I just got that!”
I yelled to no-one in particular as I knocked on Bianca’s bedroom door. I heard a crash behind it as Bianca came flying towards me, throwing open the door and almost smacking me in the process.
“What the hell is going on why are you here! And what did you just get?!”
She belted out at me, apparently startled by my outburst. She had a long loose t-shirt on and maybe something on underneath that, I wasn’t going to check. I must’ve turned crab red as I saw her but it didn’t stop me from telling her what I just pieced together.
“Their names, Frank and Stein, Frankenstein. They did that on purpose didn’t they? I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on that sooner!”
“What are you… oooh, OOOH! I’ve been around them how many years and I’m just picking up on that too.”
She said, sounding a little disappointed and smacking herself in the head with the palm of her hand.
“So what’re you doing here anyways Keith?”
“You still have my backpack from yesterday and I could use that back.”
“Oh sure I forgot about that, come in.”
She said holding open the door for me and causing her shirt to hike up a bit, She did not in fact have anything other than what you’d expect on under it.
“Ummm… do you maybe want to get dressed first?”
Bianca turned redder than I’d ever seen anyone get in an instant. Her eyes Immediately started glowing and she slammed the door shut, apparently just realizing she had answered the door in nothing but a T-shirt and underwear. I heard of muffled groan of embarrassment from the other side of the door and decided to leave her to it.
When I came back downstairs into the living room Frank and Stein where waiting for me on the couch. It was a sight to see, two old scientists sitting in the middle of a lavish black leather couch that wrapped the outer edge of the room. The two looked out of place, like a time traveler trying desperately to look normal in a society they knew nothing about.
“Before you guys start I’ve got to know, did you do that intentionally?”
“Did we do what, what are you talking about?”
They both asked in unison.
“The names, Frank and Stein, did you do that on purpose?”
Frank smiled at this and looked toward Stein who seemed to be fuming.
“It’s been 60 years since I’ve heard that question and no, its purely coincidental. We just so happen to share similar names with this Frankenstein”
Stein replied, actually shaking with anger. Frank on the other hand, seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself. In light of this I decided to push my luck just a little further.
“Ok, but I’m still going to call Rocco Frankenstein’s monster from now on, I can’t just pass up that opportunity.”
Frank laughed at this and Stein shook his head in disappointment.
“Children, both you.”
“Oh come now Stein, even you have to admit its a little humorous.”
“I will not be compared to some fantasy doctor and their failed facsimile of life! Rocco is a proper experiment with guidelines and uses that monster from the story is just a harebrained pet project!”
Stein fumed, seemingly offended at the concept of being compared to doctor Frankenstein. After a short tirade, none of which I really want to repeat here, we got Stein calmed down. Then the two got me seated and asked a question I wasn’t expecting.
“Do you know why we decided to settle down in this town in the first place?”
The question took me by surprise, I had assumed they just ended up here for no particular reason. Like a tumble weed being blown across the desert. They were here now caught on a fence or something but I always got the sense the wind would blow them along to somewhere else eventually. I hadn’t given much thought as to why they would be here at all. My vacant stare must’ve clued them into the fact that I had no idea how to answer the question.
“Let me rephrase, do you have any idea why things like Bianca or Tuck or even us seem to be concentrated here?”
Stein asked again, a calm tone to his voice like he was explaining something to a child.
“Tuck? What does Tuck have to do with this? I get you two are supernatural researchers and Bianca is a succubus but Tuck is just a really, really string guy right?”
I shakily asked, slowly drawing a connection to what Frank said about Tuck and lycanthropy when I came in.
“Tuck is a werewolf, a repentant one but a werewolf nonetheless.”
“That… actually would check out, It would definitely explain why the guy is built like the Rock’s bigger cousin. But what exactly are you getting at?”
“This town Keith, There’s a reason it attracts people like us and the Thunderbird is a big part of that. It had been sleeping in the mines as far as Frank was able to tell, once it woke up it caused the collapse and it made a huge stir. Obviously reports came out about this massive thing coming out of the ground and talking flight but you’ll never find any of them. The government stepped in to help Eagles peak cover up its existence, if people knew about the Thunderbird there would be uproars and questions as to what else was out there, questions no-one really would’ve had answers too. Instead they buried it and tried to bury most records of this town, turning it into a haven for the supernatural, especially those who would rather be left alone.”
Stein’s lecture made sense, if the town was basically wiped off the map as far as recent information goes it would explain its small size. I really hadn’t seen anyone in town besides those people getting off the bus the day I met Tuck and a few employees at local stores I went to. But not all of them could’ve been supernatural beings right?
“So are you trying to say everyone in town is some kind of what… supernatural entity?”
“Nothing as grand as that but there’s certainly more supernatural beings than usual concentrated in this town. Even some of the normal people have ties to the supernatural here. It’s a place were people who know about these things can pass through without to much scrutiny. What’s more interesting though is the other Thunderbird sightings we were able to dig up. Almost all of them lead to a town like this, taken off the usual map with a barley visible digital presence. Tiny little nowhere places that aren’t known for much and never show up on the news. The Thunderbird seems to be making these sanctuary’s for the supernatural throughout the world. It doesn’t seem to monitor these places afterwards but they certainly never recover from the coverups after the Thunderbird makes an appearance.”
Stein continued to lecture, speaking just as much with his hands as he did with his words.
“Has she ever come back to any of these sanctuaries she’s created.”
“She!? You don’t mean the woman you saw in Imalone? I had chalked her up to a stress induced hallucination.”
I had to briefly explain to Stein that I had not in fact hallucinated the naked woman that ultimately turned out to be Shaoni, to his displeasure.
“So you saw this woman then?”
“Yeah, in the cave attached to what I’d have to guess were the mines. She even showed up at my house last night.”
“It… she, talked to you?”
“She said that there was going to be some sort of trials to see who takes on this burden of her’s. The whole thing was really unclear if I’m honest.”
“So she’s coming back then, not only that but she’s in the town or the forest right now. I don’t get to say this often but I really don’t know what’s going to happen with this Keith. Frank and I will keep an eye on what we can but we’re researchers, if she decides to pull you into these trials we won’t be much help.”
Stein said, growing concerning on his face. I don’t think seeing Stein in this state did anything to assure me. This is someone who worked on the wrong side of world war 2 and he seemed scared by the thought of what Shaoni might be up to. It was at least nice to know someone would be monitoring the situation when I got myself killed.
“I could go with him.”
An unexpected voice cut through the silence of the room, Bianca’s voice. She had wandered down from her room wearing a black leather jacket paired with a tight red shirt and ratty jeans, my ratty jeans I noticed. She had the backpack she owed me in one hand and her eyes locked on us.
“What?”
We all said, in shock of what Bianca had just offered.
“I could go, watch your back and see what’s going on with these trials. I’m familiar enough with the supernatural, not as much as Frank or Stein but I could help.”
She said with raw unfiltered confidence that was unusual for her.
“I couldn’t ask you to do that, I told you the story, you know what Shaoni is capable of.”
I bargained, hoping to keep her out of the line of fire for some reason. I knew it would probably be smarter to bring her with me if I did get forced into these trials but some protective instinct kicked in. I’d seen her barley able to keep herself together just talking about her past and shut down when someone grabbed her. I didn’t want to see her get hurt trying to look out for me. Her past obviously still effected her in a big way. Another part of me wanted to bring her with me just to see her fight against the power her past still held over her. When we were on the way to that mine yesterday she finally seemed alive. Bianca wasn’t just this this scared person living in a gilded cage with two people who took her in like a kicked puppy. Yesterday she was her own person again, if only for a little bit.
“Look I can’t stay here doing nothing forever, besides you helped me out watching the house way back when you first got into town. You didn’t hold the fact I manipulated you into it against me and you never really cared about what I was. I at least owe you this Keith, please.”
Bianca begged, I didn’t feel like she was trying to pul me one way or another this time, the choice was my own. I could also tell it was hard for her to give me a choice, her nature was to just use her power and make me agree with her. That single fact meant more to me than whatever fight was going on in my head, I nodded to tell her I agreed.
Frank and Stein weren’t particularly thrilled with the idea of Bianca watching out for me. They were worried it put her in too much danger. Despite the situation surrounding those three I could tell Frank and Stein really did care for her, or at the very least worried about her. She may not realize it but she was like a daughter to them, anyone could see that, anyone but her apparently. Or maybe she had closed herself off from the world so much to try and survive on her own that she just couldn’t bring herself to realize it anymore. I think that’s the more likely option but it begged the question. Why exactly does she keep going out of her way for me?
Bianca managed to convince them to let her keep an eye on me. Thanks in no small part to the fact that she claimed living anywhere near Rocco for prolonged periods of time was hazardous to her health. At which point almost as if on cue, Rocco shot out of a wall. Not off of it or out from around, no straight out of the wall sending plaster flying like shrapnel. Right after this we smelled the beginnings of an electrical fire. Rocco ran back into the room and jumped back through the hole in the wall with a fire extinguisher. Frank and Stein lost their minds at this point and went to find the proper equipment to deal with that. They agreed with Bianca on the spot after that one. Rocco claimed he was “trying to update the wiring in the house”, whatever that meant but you could never tell with him. Once everything had calmed down I headed over to the kitchen to make lunch for myself. I settled for a bologna and mustard sandwich and sat down to eat. As soon as I took a bite of the sandwich my phone rang with a number I didn’t expect a call from, Mom.
“Hi, what’s going on?”
“Are you ok, You never call, I just got your message.”
My mother Carla said, in that worried but angry tone only mothers can pull off.
“I’m fine mom I just wanted to let you know what was going on with me, I don’t think I ever told you I was moving and I didn’t want you to worry.”
Bianca walked into the kitchen at this point in the conversation and looked at me. I put my finger to my lips and shushed her. She just sat down across from me and took a bite out of MY sandwich.
“You didn’t, I know I don’t see you much and your fine on your own but I still worry. We were never the closest but that doesn’t mean I don’t wan to know If you’re moving halfway across the country on a whim.”
“I know mom, I know. A lot of things happened at once and it was such short notice I just… forgot.”
“I understand… just call me next time alright, and if you ever just want to talk I’m here. Just because we weren’t all that close doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you now and then. Anyways I have to get back to work.”
“Oh, ok Just… how’s dad doing?”
I sighed knowing the answer to my question already.
“He’s… he’s the same Keith, Love you.”
And with that Carla hung up.
Bianca eyed me with a mildly stunned look on her face. Like she just realized I was born not raised in a test tube somewhere.
“That was your mom?”
She asked, pointing at the phone in my hand and still eating the sandwich I had made for myself.
“Yes, Oh come on give me that!”
I yelled, reaching for the sandwich in her hand. She laughed and pulled it away, finishing it. She tried to speak with a mouthful of sandwich but I couldn’t make out a thing till she gave herself a minute to chew.
“I haven’t talked to my mom since the whole thing with Brooke. She never approved and that was that, I went my way and she went her’s.”
“What about your dad?”
I asked her, suddenly not as mad about her stealing my food.
“I never really knew him. Apparently he left when I was really young but that’s about all I know.”
“Is there a single question I can ask about you that won’t just leave me feeling sorry I had a moderately normal life before this? Really I just… that’s terrible.”
Bianca looked a little sullen as she thought about her family, her real family. I realized that as strange as this whole relationship with Frank and Stein was it was the closest thing she had to something stable. Hell, I might be the first real friend she’s had outside of the house in years.
“Tell you what, I’m suddenly hungry for some reason so why don’t we head down to the Eagle’s Roost and get something to eat?”
I glared at her just a little bit as I said that first part.
“It’s like 1o’clock now I don’t think Tuck opens up till 5 or so.”
“Well I’ve got a few questions for him now, besides last time I went down there early too and he was just hanging out behind the bar, didn’t seem to mind either. Wait, you know him? He didn’t really look at you when he saved us yesterday, come to think of it he barley mentioned you.”
“Yeah I’ve seen him coming in and out of the house when he helps Stein with his experiments, giving blood and tissue samples to him, that sort of thing. I don’t know why he didn’t say anything to me. Maybe cause he thought Frank and Stein didn’t know I was out there so he just didn’t want to stick his toe in that situation?”
She had to think for a second about that last part, furrowing her brow and shrugging when she couldn’t come up with anything better.
“Could be it, anyways its just one more thing I can ask him. So are you coming with me or what?”
“Yeah sure, just let me pack a few things.”
“Pack a few things? What do you mean it’s just…”
But Bianca was already running up the stairs back towards her room.

This might be a slightly philosophical post. But the aim is to get to the bottom of what you should be truly doing. To truly get the most results.
There seems to be a MASSIVE amount of conflicting information online about how to do this.
“Do stuff that moves the needle forward”
“Do stuff that brings in revenue”
What does this truly mean though. And is it even the right thing. That’s the purpose of this post, to uncover.
When I’ve spent my time on actual needle-moving forward things, like taking business from 0 to revenue, doing all offer development, operations, sales process, marketing myself, it generally has taken me about 6 months to fully ‘try out’ a business idea I’ve had.
Most times it hasn’t worked.
Either it wasn’t profitable. Or there was a big problem somewhere.
I believe fundamentally it’s because I’m moving too slow.
Because it usually takes me around 6 months to ‘validate’ whether a business has good potential.
When you haven’t sold it or developed expertise in it yourself yet.
And I would say about 5% of the time it does work.
So if it takes 6 months and only 5% of the time it works (where you bring in revenue, no major issues), and each time it doesn’t work you try a new variation of it or something new based on what you learned, then it might take 10 years of trying different things to get the business to work.
Which sounds like it takes way too long.
So I thought about how the top companies move much quicker.
What separates them and my strategy.
And realized they simply had much more people on their team.
If you think about any successful organization who has achieved great things, and is world-leading, usually there is not 1 person on the team.
There seems to be a correlation between number of people on the team and speed of progress they can make in business.
Which goes against what most conventional startup wisdom tells you, most small business content creators etc all tell you to do it all yourself.
Which I’ve done for quite a few years and it’s gone so slowly in terms of overall progress.
If you should ‘do everything yourself’ then most Fortune 500 companies would’ve had single founders, and 1 person on their team. But the vast majority of successful Fortune 500 companies had co-founders.
And most successful businesses I know of, had co-founders.
And as they succeeded, they got more people on the team, and these people helped bring more success, then they brought more people.
Obviously there can be bad staff and not everyone contributes to the success of the company.
But I do believe, based on this, and observing top companies, that generally the more successful they are, the more people were involved with bringing about the success.
Which completely contradicts most information given to startups about ‘lone wolf’, ‘go it alone’. If that were true, Google would have 1 employee. Apple would have 1 employee.
And they would have never gotten off the ground.
Anyway, I may not have explained this perfectly but I do strongly believe the more & higher quality people are working together on something, the stats show these companies tend to do better, and successful companies you see often have more people than less working on them.
From the very beginning and now.
Regardless of the stage they were at.
So going based off this information, that the more people, the better, I have hired 30+ different people for different roles. Over the past few years. Across different businesses. To help speed up the progress in different areas.
From marketing roles, sales process roles, web development, app development, customer service, delivery of services.
And I would say there have been maybe 1 or 2 of them where I was actually happy with the result.
Most times, I would hire someone to do a job, and they didn’t do the job well, despite saying they were experienced.
And showing past examples of their work. And telling me everything I wanted to hear about how good they were.
It would often be that they would end up performing badly in the KPIs I set for them, giving many excuses, asking for help/questions/not solving anything on their own.
And just so many other problems. Like when there were multiple people at the same time on a team, working on the same project, they would blame each other and no one took responsibility despite clear responsibilities.
All telling me how other staff were bad and they were good, but getting conflicting info from all staff where they blame each other for everything so it’s difficult to know who to trust and who is being truthful.
Oftentimes not being reliable or doing what they were clearly asked to do.
Oftentimes trying to outsource the work I game them, to other people and not caring about the quality.
At my expense.
So I lost lots of clients, had low performing areas in the areas I hired for a lot of the time.
To be fair, things happened faster the more people there were.
But they often needed much more from me than they were contributing.
Like they always wanted to get paid more, for doing less work, weren’t reliable, did low quality work, didn’t hit KPIs, missed clear deadlines, always gave excuses, blamed others/external things, always asking how “I” wanted their job to be done, to the point where I was having to literally tell them every single thing to do and become an expert at their job myself, and show them how to do what they were put there to do, or do it myself, and still get a low quality result from them.
Anyway, the list goes on in all the problems I have experienced hiring people.
It really seems like a minefield.
But there were 1-2 people who did actually do well, who were responsive, who did what they committed to do, who hit deadlines, who did what they were asked, who didn’t give excuses. Who were actually honest hard workers who figured out how to solve problems and actually do the job that was asked from them.
Because of the amount of people I hired and the very low % of people who seemed to do their job well, it made me think that I am probably the problem here. If so many people are doing a bad job and not doing what they were actually hired to do. When most other companies seem to succeed at hiring people.
Then it must be a problem with myself and how I am hiring and managing them.
So it makes me think I need to level up in how I hire and manage people.
I’ve tried lots of different businesses and variations of them and some have done okay, some have not.
Mainly the most success I’ve had is in my own freelancing, where I don’t have other people on my team.
Because it’s kind of turned into a headache working with others. Who just seem to have mostly never been able to deliver what they promised without it becoming pointless to hire them in the first place with all the work I’m doing on their behalf and trying to pick up after all the problems and failures they’ve done.
So I’m not sure exactly what to spend my time and resources on.
I have money saved up from freelancing.
Where I can continue to hire people.
But I do feel I’ve had many many bad experiences.
And I believe it’s mostly my fault. Maybe my training, my hiring, my management, at places along the line I’ve not done it well enough.
I’ve tried to make improvements each time but it has kind of seemed like luck to get people who do actually do their job well.
I genuinely want to hire people and succeed in this.
Because if I can successfully work with people to achieve outcomes, rather than relying only on myself, I can build a real business and not just do freelancing.
In freelancing, I was able to make $3k-5k/month but it was very stressful and I hated speaking with clients, and was constantly stressed.
I generally really don’t like socialising with people. Including clients and staff.
And staff often try to get me to socialise unnecessarily so they can avoid doing their job, and pull me away from mine.
So trying to make it work.
I want to make it work with hiring people because if I can do this, I can make 10x-100x-1000x faster progress with other people on the same team.
But I do have a very bad track record so far. So it’s kind of painful returning to it and continuing to have bad experiences.
But at the same time I know it’s me who’s probably at fault because there can’t be this many bad people I’ve hired and it surely can’t be this bad for everyone.
I think the reason is that I’ve been better at managing myself and doing things successfully solo throughout my life.
Like I’ve achieved very good things in solo sports, in academia, and in many areas that don’t require a team, but often become frustrated working in a team.
But I don’t want my business success to be limited to 1 person.
So I truly want to make it work in improving my ability to manage (ideally a large amount of) people in a way where they can actually deliver and it work well.
Because I was capped in freelancing to making $3k-5k/month because I couldn’t take on more clients because I was undercharging and overdelivering and couldn’t handle more due to being massively stressed out and hating it. I was able to work with less clients at times and charge higher, but they never wanted me to ‘outsource’ my work to others or bring on a team, and I felt bad about it because had bad experiences where I had felt like I let clients down, and oftentimes they told me they had hired me because of me, and not wanted me to ‘outsource’ the work.
But I want to make it work.
Building a real business with a team. Not just doing freelancing and relying just on myself.
So I have time and money and resources to put into this.
I have 1 staff member currently who is unproductive. But we have an equity deal so it doesn’t cost me money for them to perform. But costs me lots of time and their performance is extremely weak. Don’t even want to go into detail, but it’s a nightmare. Their performance is about 1/10 but I believe I can raise their performance if I improve my ability to raise their performance.
Anyway. I want to build a team, but not sure exactly what activities are best ways to spend my time.
If I am physically making improvements, I feel I am slowing down the business progress.
Whereas I want to hire and manage people.
I’ve built training so that this co-founder is able to hire people. And these people can use the same training to hire people.
But I don’t currently have training to enable them to manage people.
My fear is that without training, people just ask unlimited questions on how to do something in their role and it becomes pointless to have hired them because I have to do everything they should have done to do it, so they basically just become a robot following very specific instructions. Rather than a human being who can achieve things independently.
So for example, if I made this training, it would take up all my time, whereas I have savings I’ve accumulated from freelancing which I can put into either having the co-founder manage staff, or have the co-founder make management training at the same time to enable more and more staff to hire and manage new staff. To achieve overall objectives and KPIs.
Or I could have the co-founder hire someone to make the training.
Then that frees up my time, my co-founders, time and only takes financial resources to accomplish.
What I want to achieve, is a scenario where I can give staff KPIs and objectives, and they are enabled to hire and manage people who can meet these objectives. Independently without my help required.
They give feedback, and I have a system for feedback to internal improvements can be made based on staff feedback.
Without it being unfiltered, it’s structured and organised so people can’t just get unlimited help/training/whatever from me.
Where they should be able to take actions, iterate, learn, improve, and act as independent thinking people who can achieve objectives themselves. Or within a system where it’s not all tied directly to me.
E.g. I have direct reports going to me.
But they have direct reports who go to them.
Previously I had a system where I did this, but then staff at the bottom of the hierarchy would ask their managers questions, and the managers wouldn’t know the answer so would then ask me the questions, and so jumping over the managers and making me deal with everything.
Whereas I want to build a system where people can make business progress in their specific area, independently without everything going to the CEO. Only important/urgent things are feedbacked to the CEO.
This way I believe much faster progress can happen.
Because I won’t be bogged down by exponentially growing problems.
Like with how it works in any successful organisation.
Tim Cook has only a handful of direct reports. Who each only have a handful of direct reports. And so on.
He’s making the most important decisions, dealing with what’s most important and strategic, with top authority, dealing with everything as a birds eye view, but not doing every employee’s job for them, teaching every employee how to do their job. Picking up the pieces after every employee misses their deadlines, doesn’t do their work, gives excuses, does poor work that doesn’t help the company.
Even in any successful organisation. Each unit/person is making their own decisions, taking their own action, learning from it, practicing themself at improving, gaining their own experience, not all relying on 1 person, every single person in the organisation, just for them to do their job.
In successful organisations, people at every level experience new problems all the time, and don’t need to contact the #1 person at the top just to deal with it.
They come up with a solution and go for it. And iterate. Learn, try to do something better next time. And there’s a constant learning/feedback process going on across the organisation which everyone takes part in, not just 1 person doing every part for everyone.
I believe this structure of modelling what actually successful organisations do is the correct way. Because they’re successful for a reason.
Not this ‘hustle grindset’ BS in the startup/business world where lots of information seems to be saying the wrong thing. It just makes no sense to make every single person 100% reliant on you for them to do their job.
Anyway so I’m thinking about what I should do with my time.
What I want to do, is tell my co-founder what to do, which involves hiring and managing people who do things that move the needle forward in the business, as defined by me, and some of those people also hire and manage people. To have an exponentially growing system of people growing the organisation. And a communication and feedback and learning system and autonomy within the system itself so it can take action, learn, grow, thrive. As a system within itself.
I believe if hypothetically, I did everything myself, then it takes about 6 months to ‘validate’ whether a business has good potential, and 5% of the time it does. So if I do everything myself, I believe it will take me 10 years to get a business off the ground.
But if I utilise my money and time more efficiently, I can have as many people working on each part involved in validating these businesses as possible.
I don’t know if that is lazy or smart.
I believe it’s both. But mostly smart. Because I believe I can convince, hire, organise, manage people to either work on equity deals or pay in a way where businesses can realistically bring in profit.
My co-founder does very little of what I ask him to do.
And he wants me to be doing individual things.
He objectively is financially and intelligently very poor and has very minimal skills or experience.
Not to be offensive. Just to paint a picture. So since there is conflicting information everywhere in the business world and you need to choose who to trust, I don’t trust what he believes.
Objectively I am much richer in all these areas than him.
So I used to operate on a democratic system with them. But it’s kind of like, in a vote for president, if you have 80% of the population being easily controlled by the media and being very dumb and easy to sway and manipulate into believing anything, and they vote for things which are objectively dumb and go against what the smartest and objectively most valuable people vote for, I don’t want to be held back by a dumb population having authority or being listened to, if they have a clear, long track record of making very bad decisions.
If you were to take business advice from a homeless person with no experience, money or intellect, or a Fortune 500 CEO, who let’s say objectively has massive experience, money, intellect and success. Then I would probably take what the CEO has to say.
If you had to listen to what a scientist vs 12 year old had to say about a scientific topic, you’d probably want to listen to the scientist who studied the topic and is well respected in their field.
So I believe it would be dumb for both of us, if he made decisions, objectively.
But at the same time it’s difficult to truly know what the truth is.
The Fortune 500 CEO could be telling you what you want to hear, and could have an incentive to lie to you to send you in the wrong direction with bad business advice so you don’t become competition to them, and the homeless person could be honest.
The scientist could be trying to gain fame and get attention to themself to build their career on a lie and fake experiments whereas the 12 year old could be a science savant.
So it’s difficult to truly know what the truth is.
If I should listen to him or myself.
Objectively.

I believe if I spend time building the business via this logic I’ve described above, it can grow much faster, with unlimited people working on it and performing well, if the necessary improvements are made.
And I believe if I were to do the individual things necessary to do it, it would take 6 months to ‘validate’ each’s potential. I.e. try everything in that timeframe to make it work, build a good service/product, build good sales process, build good marketing, deal with customers, etc, all on your own.

Whereas in the first option, other people could do all these things.
Human development over history has happened due to the input of millions, if not billions of people.
There wasn’t 1 person who did all the work to get Carnegie or Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg to gain the success they’ve achieved.
They all build an empire off the backs of others.
Did the slave owners do the slave work themselves when they brought slaves to America? No.
Does Elon do all the individual parts necessary to grow the company? No. He leads and controls the people in order to do that.
Does Mark Zuckerberg single handedly get Facebook off the ground? No. There were 10+ people involved. He stole code from others. Who sued him.
All of these people had exponentially growing staff as the company grew, as fuel to grow the company.
So if you have the money and strategy to lead them to success, I believe it surely is possible.
So long story short this is a long rambling piece of writing but I believe there’s very little impact 1 individual person has on the success of a company. Controlling and amassing an army of people who build the company up and contribute to the company sounds more true.
Does 1 person do everything involved in every sports team? No. Each player plays their respective part. Directed by the coach/manager.
Does 1 person do everything involved in musical orchestras? No each musician plays their part. Directed by the conductor.
And so on.
If you can build an exponentially growing team of staff who effectively work together, bring others on, take action to grow the business, learn from mistakes, make improvements, are highly motivated, are led successfully, it can achieve great things. I feel like it’s a delusion that individual people single-handedly grow companies without others.
So what should that person spend their time doing?
Doing all the millions of things necessary to grow the company? Or bring and manage others who some make progress themselves, some bring and manage others, to gain more and more resources to make progress at faster and faster rate.
Do successful people really have only 1 person responsible? No. They have teams of people behind them.
So trying to do the work of 1,000 people as 1 person sounds 1,000x as hard as getting 1,000 people to each do the work of 1 person.
So if you can finance the growth of the company via hiring others.
Let’s assume I can finance this exponential staff growth. Then surely I should do it right?
Like if I were to compete with 1 person trying to grow their business, and I had 1,000+ people, all doing their jobs effectively, being organised, working as a system not all relying on me, the competition where it’s 1 staff member on average would get beaten.
And surely any excuse you could give, I could just hire someone to solve that excuse.
Like “oh but what roles do you hire these people to do?” well I could hire someone whose role is to figure out what roles they should do. “But what if x?” well I could hire someone whose role is to solve that too. And so on. “Oh but do you have enough money to pay these staff?” Yes. And I can hire people whose job is to bring in money. Whether it’s fundraising, raising from
Did Hitler fight WW2 with 1 person? No. He fought it with millions, if not hundreds of millions of people.
Did Amazon/[insert any Fortune 500 company] get to their size today from having 1 staff member who did everything? No. They had thousands if not hundreds of thousands of staff.
Did any successful mom and pop shop/small business get to their size today from 1 staff member? No. They are one of the largest employers in the USA. Which means they hire a lot of people. Successful mom & pop shops generally have more staff the more successful they are.
Armies generally have more success the bigger and more effective they are.
Companies generally have more success the more staff and more effective the staff are.
So surely we shouldn’t hold ourselves back, to use the example of war, it’s like trying to go to war with others who have hundreds of thousands of people in their army, with just 1 person, yourself. Who is going to win? Them.
How are you going to compete with companies with way more staff, and way more effective staff than you? You would have to become exponentially more effective as 1 person which I just don’t know if it’s realistic.
I think it’s more delusional to believe that 1 person can do as well as 10 or 20 or 50 or 100 or more people who are each as effective as that 1 person.
So if you were to win, you would probably want to expand your army/staff and make them more effective, rather than try to make yourself somehow perform on the same level as armies/companies with thousands or hundreds of thousands of people. It’s just delusional to believe you can beat them in my opinion.
In business, you’d have to be extremely skilled at hundreds of different skills, spend 10+ hours on 100+ individual areas of the business each week to compete with 1,000+ staff who, if performing effectively, would crush you.
This is just my thoughts.
Am I being delusional? Come on…
I just feel like this is the way. Just look at the most successful organisations in history. Was it 1 person?
No, 1 person cannot realistically win a war against 100,000+ people. No matter how good they are. They would need to be top 0.00000000001% in skill in the world at what they’re beating the other side at.
Could 1 footballer beat a football team of 100 people of equal ability than them? No.
Could a company of 1 person outperform a company of 1,000 people? No.
So I believe if I can solve the ability to do this, I can grow a team of unlimited size to conquer and beat any problem thrown at us.
It’s just down to control of people.
Money doesn’t exist.
Even biggest most successful companies in the world mostly didn’t get there on their own.
I believe less than 1% of Fortune 500 Companies were bootstrapped. Or something similar.
And this is what I’m saying.
People in the small business/entrepreneur world tell you you need to have everything yourself.
How are you going to outfinance, outcompete companies on complete other levels without acquiring these resources from others? Just relying on yourself.
How could 1 person get more financing/investment in a company from investors compared to 1,000 of equal ability.
It’s never 1 person ‘beating the world’. Or beating the industry on their own.
Maybe if your aspiration is to be an average business.
“Oh but you should do what is best at each level, and it’s different for each level. Start just by yourself until you get X revenue. THEN hire people”
…..Well if you struggle to get X revenue on your own, how are you ever going to hire others?
The others help you grow the revenue in the first place.
I feel like the small business world is too overreliant on the founder and delusional about the capabilities of 1 person when competing against units 100-1,000x + bigger than them.
Come on.
Anything you want to compete in. In business.
Generally you already have competition.
And if you manage to somehow “spot” something they’ve “missed”, they could just copy you and wipe you out with their massive resources anyway.
In my opinion you need to expand your resources as FAST as possible.
Not this BS “oh wait until you get X profit on your own to hire other people”
Well if you’ve only made good profit on your own as a freelancer, and you’ve spent a lot of years trying to get a business off the ground solo, what are you meant to do?
“Oh just make it work” Great advice.
I just feel like there’s too much delusion into what it actually takes.
In a job or as a freelancer. It’s easier to make $3k-5k/month revenue because you’re only competing against individuals.
But when you try to compete against other businesses to make $3k-5k/month profit, you’re competing against businesses with 10x-100x the people, the money, the resources, the everything, to beat you.
So how are you meant to realistically beat them on your own? Without expanding your resources as quick as possible.
So because of this I believe if 1 person on their own is somehow meant to take a business from $0 to $10k/mo profit, then surely it will happen quicker if more people, of equal ability, are trying to make the business $0 to 10k/mo profit.
To be honest I don’t know what the truth is. This is just what I believe the truth is.
Because I’ve consumed so much wrong information from people acting like they have the correct advice in business.
All Youtube videos, articles, courses, claiming to make you successful in business, when in reality it’s just advice that sounds either easy to say or easy to hear.
Like it’s easy to say as a comment to this post, a response that takes 5 seconds to write, like the first thing that comes to your mind, like “just figure it out on your own”. But that’s not necessarily the truth, it’s just easy for you to say as a commenter. Comments aren’t necessarily the truth.
And on the other side business advice is easy to hear. Like “work on your own, make $1m/month, move to X country, live the life, working 2hours/day” which is just pure delusion. And most of the time the content/advice’s purpose is to benefit the business who made it, not the receiver of the advice. Because it’s selling a course or they have ad sense so they just want maximum engagement and views.
And anyone who is successful in business doesn’t need to give any advice. Because they’re applying the advice. Not giving it. Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos etc have no strong incentive trying to help others get to their level because they could just make an extra $10M-100M from spending the same time/energy/resources giving advice into growing their business.
They’re never gonna have advice that would help you beat them because otherwise they would’ve applied it themself.
And they are actually incentivized to not want others to truly succeed. Because it means more competition for them and less success for them.
So 99%+ of info online just seems like it’s not true.
I’m trying to figure out what is true and what isn’t.
Honestly though it’s difficult to even trust what anyone says in business. Any advice or feedback. For the reasons given.
Because 99% of feedback is either from people who haven’t truly grown a successful business, or it’s not related to you, or it involved luck, or it’s just like a motivational quote they tell you, or it’s a snarky comment they tell you.
It’s only helpful to them. And you are actually their customer or viewer or their entertainment. Not a successful business yourself. Because it’s just all misinformation that all contradicts with the truth.
So not even sure if it’s worth trying to get advice or if it’s all just pointless, just to figure it out myself from experience, trial and error and learning from my own thinking than relying on any other thinking.
Anyway do you think this is just crazy and I’m going crazy or is there any truth to what I’m saying?
Let me know your brutal honest feedback

This might be a slightly philosophical post. But the aim is to get to the bottom of what you should be truly doing. To truly get the most results.
There seems to be a MASSIVE amount of conflicting information online about how to do this.
“Do stuff that moves the needle forward”
“Do stuff that brings in revenue”
What does this truly mean though. And is it even the right thing. That’s the purpose of this post, to uncover.
When I’ve spent my time on actual needle-moving forward things, like taking business from 0 to revenue, doing all offer development, operations, sales process, marketing myself, it generally has taken me about 6 months to fully ‘try out’ a business idea I’ve had.
Most times it hasn’t worked.
Either it wasn’t profitable. Or there was a big problem somewhere.
I believe fundamentally it’s because I’m moving too slow.
Because it usually takes me around 6 months to ‘validate’ whether a business has good potential.
When you haven’t sold it or developed expertise in it yourself yet.
And I would say about 5% of the time it does work.
So if it takes 6 months and only 5% of the time it works (where you bring in revenue, no major issues), and each time it doesn’t work you try a new variation of it or something new based on what you learned, then it might take 10 years of trying different things to get the business to work.
Which sounds like it takes way too long.
So I thought about how the top companies move much quicker.
What separates them and my strategy.
And realized they simply had much more people on their team.
If you think about any successful organization who has achieved great things, and is world-leading, usually there is not 1 person on the team.
There seems to be a correlation between number of people on the team and speed of progress they can make in business.
Which goes against what most conventional startup wisdom tells you, most small business content creators etc all tell you to do it all yourself.
Which I’ve done for quite a few years and it’s gone so slowly in terms of overall progress.
If you should ‘do everything yourself’ then most Fortune 500 companies would’ve had single founders, and 1 person on their team. But the vast majority of successful Fortune 500 companies had co-founders.
And most successful businesses I know of, had co-founders.
And as they succeeded, they got more people on the team, and these people helped bring more success, then they brought more people.
Obviously there can be bad staff and not everyone contributes to the success of the company.
But I do believe, based on this, and observing top companies, that generally the more successful they are, the more people were involved with bringing about the success.
Which completely contradicts most information given to startups about ‘lone wolf’, ‘go it alone’. If that were true, Google would have 1 employee. Apple would have 1 employee.
And they would have never gotten off the ground.
Anyway, I may not have explained this perfectly but I do strongly believe the more & higher quality people are working together on something, the stats show these companies tend to do better, and successful companies you see often have more people than less working on them.
From the very beginning and now.
Regardless of the stage they were at.
So going based off this information, that the more people, the better, I have hired 30+ different people for different roles. Over the past few years. Across different businesses. To help speed up the progress in different areas.
From marketing roles, sales process roles, web development, app development, customer service, delivery of services.
And I would say there have been maybe 1 or 2 of them where I was actually happy with the result.
Most times, I would hire someone to do a job, and they didn’t do the job well, despite saying they were experienced.
And showing past examples of their work. And telling me everything I wanted to hear about how good they were.
It would often be that they would end up performing badly in the KPIs I set for them, giving many excuses, asking for help/questions/not solving anything on their own.
And just so many other problems. Like when there were multiple people at the same time on a team, working on the same project, they would blame each other and no one took responsibility despite clear responsibilities.
All telling me how other staff were bad and they were good, but getting conflicting info from all staff where they blame each other for everything so it’s difficult to know who to trust and who is being truthful.
Oftentimes not being reliable or doing what they were clearly asked to do.
Oftentimes trying to outsource the work I game them, to other people and not caring about the quality.
At my expense.
So I lost lots of clients, had low performing areas in the areas I hired for a lot of the time.
To be fair, things happened faster the more people there were.
But they often needed much more from me than they were contributing.
Like they always wanted to get paid more, for doing less work, weren’t reliable, did low quality work, didn’t hit KPIs, missed clear deadlines, always gave excuses, blamed others/external things, always asking how “I” wanted their job to be done, to the point where I was having to literally tell them every single thing to do and become an expert at their job myself, and show them how to do what they were put there to do, or do it myself, and still get a low quality result from them.
Anyway, the list goes on in all the problems I have experienced hiring people.
It really seems like a minefield.
But there were 1-2 people who did actually do well, who were responsive, who did what they committed to do, who hit deadlines, who did what they were asked, who didn’t give excuses. Who were actually honest hard workers who figured out how to solve problems and actually do the job that was asked from them.
Because of the amount of people I hired and the very low % of people who seemed to do their job well, it made me think that I am probably the problem here. If so many people are doing a bad job and not doing what they were actually hired to do. When most other companies seem to succeed at hiring people.
Then it must be a problem with myself and how I am hiring and managing them.
So it makes me think I need to level up in how I hire and manage people.
I’ve tried lots of different businesses and variations of them and some have done okay, some have not.
Mainly the most success I’ve had is in my own freelancing, where I don’t have other people on my team.
Because it’s kind of turned into a headache working with others. Who just seem to have mostly never been able to deliver what they promised without it becoming pointless to hire them in the first place with all the work I’m doing on their behalf and trying to pick up after all the problems and failures they’ve done.
So I’m not sure exactly what to spend my time and resources on.
I have money saved up from freelancing.
Where I can continue to hire people.
But I do feel I’ve had many many bad experiences.
And I believe it’s mostly my fault. Maybe my training, my hiring, my management, at places along the line I’ve not done it well enough.
I’ve tried to make improvements each time but it has kind of seemed like luck to get people who do actually do their job well.
I genuinely want to hire people and succeed in this.
Because if I can successfully work with people to achieve outcomes, rather than relying only on myself, I can build a real business and not just do freelancing.
In freelancing, I was able to make $3k-5k/month but it was very stressful and I hated speaking with clients, and was constantly stressed.
I generally really don’t like socialising with people. Including clients and staff.
And staff often try to get me to socialise unnecessarily so they can avoid doing their job, and pull me away from mine.
So trying to make it work.
I want to make it work with hiring people because if I can do this, I can make 10x-100x-1000x faster progress with other people on the same team.
But I do have a very bad track record so far. So it’s kind of painful returning to it and continuing to have bad experiences.
But at the same time I know it’s me who’s probably at fault because there can’t be this many bad people I’ve hired and it surely can’t be this bad for everyone.
I think the reason is that I’ve been better at managing myself and doing things successfully solo throughout my life.
Like I’ve achieved very good things in solo sports, in academia, and in many areas that don’t require a team, but often become frustrated working in a team.
But I don’t want my business success to be limited to 1 person.
So I truly want to make it work in improving my ability to manage (ideally a large amount of) people in a way where they can actually deliver and it work well.
Because I was capped in freelancing to making $3k-5k/month because I couldn’t take on more clients because I was undercharging and overdelivering and couldn’t handle more due to being massively stressed out and hating it. I was able to work with less clients at times and charge higher, but they never wanted me to ‘outsource’ my work to others or bring on a team, and I felt bad about it because had bad experiences where I had felt like I let clients down, and oftentimes they told me they had hired me because of me, and not wanted me to ‘outsource’ the work.
But I want to make it work.
Building a real business with a team. Not just doing freelancing and relying just on myself.
So I have time and money and resources to put into this.
I have 1 staff member currently who is unproductive. But we have an equity deal so it doesn’t cost me money for them to perform. But costs me lots of time and their performance is extremely weak. Don’t even want to go into detail, but it’s a nightmare. Their performance is about 1/10 but I believe I can raise their performance if I improve my ability to raise their performance.
Anyway. I want to build a team, but not sure exactly what activities are best ways to spend my time.
If I am physically making improvements, I feel I am slowing down the business progress.
Whereas I want to hire and manage people.
I’ve built training so that this co-founder is able to hire people. And these people can use the same training to hire people.
But I don’t currently have training to enable them to manage people.
My fear is that without training, people just ask unlimited questions on how to do something in their role and it becomes pointless to have hired them because I have to do everything they should have done to do it, so they basically just become a robot following very specific instructions. Rather than a human being who can achieve things independently.
So for example, if I made this training, it would take up all my time, whereas I have savings I’ve accumulated from freelancing which I can put into either having the co-founder manage staff, or have the co-founder make management training at the same time to enable more and more staff to hire and manage new staff. To achieve overall objectives and KPIs.
Or I could have the co-founder hire someone to make the training.
Then that frees up my time, my co-founders, time and only takes financial resources to accomplish.
What I want to achieve, is a scenario where I can give staff KPIs and objectives, and they are enabled to hire and manage people who can meet these objectives. Independently without my help required.
They give feedback, and I have a system for feedback to internal improvements can be made based on staff feedback.
Without it being unfiltered, it’s structured and organised so people can’t just get unlimited help/training/whatever from me.
Where they should be able to take actions, iterate, learn, improve, and act as independent thinking people who can achieve objectives themselves. Or within a system where it’s not all tied directly to me.
E.g. I have direct reports going to me.
But they have direct reports who go to them.
Previously I had a system where I did this, but then staff at the bottom of the hierarchy would ask their managers questions, and the managers wouldn’t know the answer so would then ask me the questions, and so jumping over the managers and making me deal with everything.
Whereas I want to build a system where people can make business progress in their specific area, independently without everything going to the CEO. Only important/urgent things are feedbacked to the CEO.
This way I believe much faster progress can happen.
Because I won’t be bogged down by exponentially growing problems.
Like with how it works in any successful organisation.
Tim Cook has only a handful of direct reports. Who each only have a handful of direct reports. And so on.
He’s making the most important decisions, dealing with what’s most important and strategic, with top authority, dealing with everything as a birds eye view, but not doing every employee’s job for them, teaching every employee how to do their job. Picking up the pieces after every employee misses their deadlines, doesn’t do their work, gives excuses, does poor work that doesn’t help the company.
Even in any successful organisation. Each unit/person is making their own decisions, taking their own action, learning from it, practicing themself at improving, gaining their own experience, not all relying on 1 person, every single person in the organisation, just for them to do their job.
In successful organisations, people at every level experience new problems all the time, and don’t need to contact the #1 person at the top just to deal with it.
They come up with a solution and go for it. And iterate. Learn, try to do something better next time. And there’s a constant learning/feedback process going on across the organisation which everyone takes part in, not just 1 person doing every part for everyone.
I believe this structure of modelling what actually successful organisations do is the correct way. Because they’re successful for a reason.
Not this ‘hustle grindset’ BS in the startup/business world where lots of information seems to be saying the wrong thing. It just makes no sense to make every single person 100% reliant on you for them to do their job.
Anyway so I’m thinking about what I should do with my time.
What I want to do, is tell my co-founder what to do, which involves hiring and managing people who do things that move the needle forward in the business, as defined by me, and some of those people also hire and manage people. To have an exponentially growing system of people growing the organisation. And a communication and feedback and learning system and autonomy within the system itself so it can take action, learn, grow, thrive. As a system within itself.
I believe if hypothetically, I did everything myself, then it takes about 6 months to ‘validate’ whether a business has good potential, and 5% of the time it does. So if I do everything myself, I believe it will take me 10 years to get a business off the ground.
But if I utilise my money and time more efficiently, I can have as many people working on each part involved in validating these businesses as possible.
I don’t know if that is lazy or smart.
I believe it’s both. But mostly smart. Because I believe I can convince, hire, organise, manage people to either work on equity deals or pay in a way where businesses can realistically bring in profit.
My co-founder does very little of what I ask him to do.
And he wants me to be doing individual things.
He objectively is financially and intelligently very poor and has very minimal skills or experience.
Not to be offensive. Just to paint a picture. So since there is conflicting information everywhere in the business world and you need to choose who to trust, I don’t trust what he believes.
Objectively I am much richer in all these areas than him.
So I used to operate on a democratic system with them. But it’s kind of like, in a vote for president, if you have 80% of the population being easily controlled by the media and being very dumb and easy to sway and manipulate into believing anything, and they vote for things which are objectively dumb and go against what the smartest and objectively most valuable people vote for, I don’t want to be held back by a dumb population having authority or being listened to, if they have a clear, long track record of making very bad decisions.
If you were to take business advice from a homeless person with no experience, money or intellect, or a Fortune 500 CEO, who let’s say objectively has massive experience, money, intellect and success. Then I would probably take what the CEO has to say.
If you had to listen to what a scientist vs 12 year old had to say about a scientific topic, you’d probably want to listen to the scientist who studied the topic and is well respected in their field.
So I believe it would be dumb for both of us, if he made decisions, objectively.
But at the same time it’s difficult to truly know what the truth is.
The Fortune 500 CEO could be telling you what you want to hear, and could have an incentive to lie to you to send you in the wrong direction with bad business advice so you don’t become competition to them, and the homeless person could be honest.
The scientist could be trying to gain fame and get attention to themself to build their career on a lie and fake experiments whereas the 12 year old could be a science savant.
So it’s difficult to truly know what the truth is.
If I should listen to him or myself.
Objectively.

I believe if I spend time building the business via this logic I’ve described above, it can grow much faster, with unlimited people working on it and performing well, if the necessary improvements are made.
And I believe if I were to do the individual things necessary to do it, it would take 6 months to ‘validate’ each’s potential. I.e. try everything in that timeframe to make it work, build a good service/product, build good sales process, build good marketing, deal with customers, etc, all on your own.

Whereas in the first option, other people could do all these things.
Human development over history has happened due to the input of millions, if not billions of people.
There wasn’t 1 person who did all the work to get Carnegie or Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg to gain the success they’ve achieved.
They all build an empire off the backs of others.
Did the slave owners do the slave work themselves when they brought slaves to America? No.
Does Elon do all the individual parts necessary to grow the company? No. He leads and controls the people in order to do that.
Does Mark Zuckerberg single handedly get Facebook off the ground? No. There were 10+ people involved. He stole code from others. Who sued him.
All of these people had exponentially growing staff as the company grew, as fuel to grow the company.
So if you have the money and strategy to lead them to success, I believe it surely is possible.
So long story short this is a long rambling piece of writing but I believe there’s very little impact 1 individual person has on the success of a company. Controlling and amassing an army of people who build the company up and contribute to the company sounds more true.
Does 1 person do everything involved in every sports team? No. Each player plays their respective part. Directed by the coach/manager.
Does 1 person do everything involved in musical orchestras? No each musician plays their part. Directed by the conductor.
And so on.
If you can build an exponentially growing team of staff who effectively work together, bring others on, take action to grow the business, learn from mistakes, make improvements, are highly motivated, are led successfully, it can achieve great things. I feel like it’s a delusion that individual people single-handedly grow companies without others.
So what should that person spend their time doing?
Doing all the millions of things necessary to grow the company? Or bring and manage others who some make progress themselves, some bring and manage others, to gain more and more resources to make progress at faster and faster rate.
Do successful people really have only 1 person responsible? No. They have teams of people behind them.
So trying to do the work of 1,000 people as 1 person sounds 1,000x as hard as getting 1,000 people to each do the work of 1 person.
So if you can finance the growth of the company via hiring others.
Let’s assume I can finance this exponential staff growth. Then surely I should do it right?
Like if I were to compete with 1 person trying to grow their business, and I had 1,000+ people, all doing their jobs effectively, being organised, working as a system not all relying on me, the competition where it’s 1 staff member on average would get beaten.
And surely any excuse you could give, I could just hire someone to solve that excuse.
Like “oh but what roles do you hire these people to do?” well I could hire someone whose role is to figure out what roles they should do. “But what if x?” well I could hire someone whose role is to solve that too. And so on. “Oh but do you have enough money to pay these staff?” Yes. And I can hire people whose job is to bring in money. Whether it’s fundraising, raising from
Did Hitler fight WW2 with 1 person? No. He fought it with millions, if not hundreds of millions of people.
Did Amazon/[insert any Fortune 500 company] get to their size today from having 1 staff member who did everything? No. They had thousands if not hundreds of thousands of staff.
Did any successful mom and pop shop/small business get to their size today from 1 staff member? No. They are one of the largest employers in the USA. Which means they hire a lot of people. Successful mom & pop shops generally have more staff the more successful they are.
Armies generally have more success the bigger and more effective they are.
Companies generally have more success the more staff and more effective the staff are.
So surely we shouldn’t hold ourselves back, to use the example of war, it’s like trying to go to war with others who have hundreds of thousands of people in their army, with just 1 person, yourself. Who is going to win? Them.
How are you going to compete with companies with way more staff, and way more effective staff than you? You would have to become exponentially more effective as 1 person which I just don’t know if it’s realistic.
I think it’s more delusional to believe that 1 person can do as well as 10 or 20 or 50 or 100 or more people who are each as effective as that 1 person.
So if you were to win, you would probably want to expand your army/staff and make them more effective, rather than try to make yourself somehow perform on the same level as armies/companies with thousands or hundreds of thousands of people. It’s just delusional to believe you can beat them in my opinion.
In business, you’d have to be extremely skilled at hundreds of different skills, spend 10+ hours on 100+ individual areas of the business each week to compete with 1,000+ staff who, if performing effectively, would crush you.
This is just my thoughts.
Am I being delusional? Come on…
I just feel like this is the way. Just look at the most successful organisations in history. Was it 1 person?
No, 1 person cannot realistically win a war against 100,000+ people. No matter how good they are. They would need to be top 0.00000000001% in skill in the world at what they’re beating the other side at.
Could 1 footballer beat a football team of 100 people of equal ability than them? No.
Could a company of 1 person outperform a company of 1,000 people? No.
So I believe if I can solve the ability to do this, I can grow a team of unlimited size to conquer and beat any problem thrown at us.
It’s just down to control of people.
Money doesn’t exist.
Even biggest most successful companies in the world mostly didn’t get there on their own.
I believe less than 1% of Fortune 500 Companies were bootstrapped. Or something similar.
And this is what I’m saying.
People in the small business/entrepreneur world tell you you need to have everything yourself.
How are you going to outfinance, outcompete companies on complete other levels without acquiring these resources from others? Just relying on yourself.
How could 1 person get more financing/investment in a company from investors compared to 1,000 of equal ability.
It’s never 1 person ‘beating the world’. Or beating the industry on their own.
Maybe if your aspiration is to be an average business.
“Oh but you should do what is best at each level, and it’s different for each level. Start just by yourself until you get X revenue. THEN hire people”
…..Well if you struggle to get X revenue on your own, how are you ever going to hire others?
The others help you grow the revenue in the first place.
I feel like the small business world is too overreliant on the founder and delusional about the capabilities of 1 person when competing against units 100-1,000x + bigger than them.
Come on.
Anything you want to compete in. In business.
Generally you already have competition.
And if you manage to somehow “spot” something they’ve “missed”, they could just copy you and wipe you out with their massive resources anyway.
In my opinion you need to expand your resources as FAST as possible.
Not this BS “oh wait until you get X profit on your own to hire other people”
Well if you’ve only made good profit on your own as a freelancer, and you’ve spent a lot of years trying to get a business off the ground solo, what are you meant to do?
“Oh just make it work” Great advice.
I just feel like there’s too much delusion into what it actually takes.
In a job or as a freelancer. It’s easier to make $3k-5k/month revenue because you’re only competing against individuals.
But when you try to compete against other businesses to make $3k-5k/month profit, you’re competing against businesses with 10x-100x the people, the money, the resources, the everything, to beat you.
So how are you meant to realistically beat them on your own? Without expanding your resources as quick as possible.
So because of this I believe if 1 person on their own is somehow meant to take a business from $0 to $10k/mo profit, then surely it will happen quicker if more people, of equal ability, are trying to make the business $0 to 10k/mo profit.
To be honest I don’t know what the truth is. This is just what I believe the truth is.
Because I’ve consumed so much wrong information from people acting like they have the correct advice in business.
All Youtube videos, articles, courses, claiming to make you successful in business, when in reality it’s just advice that sounds either easy to say or easy to hear.
Like it’s easy to say as a comment to this post, a response that takes 5 seconds to write, like the first thing that comes to your mind, like “just figure it out on your own”. But that’s not necessarily the truth, it’s just easy for you to say as a commenter. Comments aren’t necessarily the truth.
And on the other side business advice is easy to hear. Like “work on your own, make $1m/month, move to X country, live the life, working 2hours/day” which is just pure delusion. And most of the time the content/advice’s purpose is to benefit the business who made it, not the receiver of the advice. Because it’s selling a course or they have ad sense so they just want maximum engagement and views.
And anyone who is successful in business doesn’t need to give any advice. Because they’re applying the advice. Not giving it. Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos etc have no strong incentive trying to help others get to their level because they could just make an extra $10M-100M from spending the same time/energy/resources giving advice into growing their business.
They’re never gonna have advice that would help you beat them because otherwise they would’ve applied it themself.
And they are actually incentivized to not want others to truly succeed. Because it means more competition for them and less success for them.
So 99%+ of info online just seems like it’s not true.
I’m trying to figure out what is true and what isn’t.
Honestly though it’s difficult to even trust what anyone says in business. Any advice or feedback. For the reasons given.
Because 99% of feedback is either from people who haven’t truly grown a successful business, or it’s not related to you, or it involved luck, or it’s just like a motivational quote they tell you, or it’s a snarky comment they tell you.
It’s only helpful to them. And you are actually their customer or viewer or their entertainment. Not a successful business yourself. Because it’s just all misinformation that all contradicts with the truth.
So not even sure if it’s worth trying to get advice or if it’s all just pointless, just to figure it out myself from experience, trial and error and learning from my own thinking than relying on any other thinking.
Anyway do you think this is just crazy and I’m going crazy or is there any truth to what I’m saying?
Let me know your brutal honest feedback

I have no one in my life I really feel I want to share this with at the moment but I am in awe of this whole awakening situation and need to talk about it
The whole full on bliss stage is over for me (only got two weeks lol but it’s all good), but what really stuck was this strong feeling of trusting the universe (I don’t like calling it god, that doesn’t feel good to me due to past religious issues).
I decided for me, what mattered at the present moment was approaching everything and everyone with the maximum loving kindness I could muster. And that truly hasn’t been me in the past at all. I’m not saying I haven’t slipped up from time to time but I’ve been doing pretty darn well.
And it’s amazing what work is occurring in my life. All of these loving people from my past are reappearing out of absolutely nowhere like literally moving states away to practically my backyard all in convergence. People I never thought I’d see again are suddenly wanting to see me and inviting me out when I was practically friendless for years and years; I thought they didn’t give a shit. People are coming to me with problems like I am somehow able to help and maybe I am but I feel like a complete newb lol like ignorant af I know nothing. People currently in my life are just showing me so much love. I even feel love from people on Reddit and such. And it’s so easy to love them back like unconditionally. I just want to make people feel loved, even the angry and suffering people, especially them. Who were like me. I love them all. That’s all that matters. It’s obvious we are all one
I’m overwhelmed, I am just crying a lot because I can’t believe something like this is happening to me, it’s so amazing. I know that one day some terribly tragic things could happen and there are actually some sad things going on with some loved ones but the feeling of love is so strong. And my life circumstances aren’t even really that different from what was going on during all the suffering.
I am so joyful that I get to experience awakening and all of this, that I get to be a person that somehow chose this path instead of staying unawake/asleep and staying so miserable. That I get to see the unfiltered reality for what it is, and experience true unconditional love the way it can really be experienced at its best. And that I get to choose to help other people wake up too, that I get to learn how to do that every day and dedicate my life to it if I want to and help others leave suffering behind, too. And especially so grateful to the people who had a hand in waking me up. So much gratitude and love to them every day. I am so fortunate and loved.
I don’t even know exactly HOW I chose it because I feel like it was kind of forced on me except I do know that I chose LOVE when it was really really really scary and hard and painful and against all my instincts. And this feels like a reward, like love really is the answer and there really is a being out there letting me know that morality exists and doing the right thing matters even if it’s just to make life more exciting and amusing and satisfying. And I can choose to do the right thing and be a good person every time and no one can stop me even if pain comes - I have the full knowledge and autonomy to do that forever, at least in this physical form, and I can help people every day if I want, or read interesting things, or just do whatever! Cry if I want, I guess! Nothing can fuck me up! I can figure it out no matter what. It’s all a learning opportunity and I get to be a student for life, just like I always wanted 🥲
I finally have something to be proud of myself for, I did a hard thing instead of just letting life happen to me. And it mattered. And my life is perfect the way it is and I don’t have to do anything different to have a purpose or achieve. It’s all good! Maybe I will never actually be able to tell anyone I know this but it is what it is. I’m free to be a loving and happy person and no one can ever stop me again!

Behaviour has made several decisions over the past few months that have destroyed Blight and turned him into a shell who (on BHVR's next data release) will likely be shown to have the lowest kill rate in the game, and is fun for NEITHER SIDE.

Addons

While alc Ring, C33, and iri tag were definitely overpowered and desperately needed a nerf, BHVR went massively overkill and decided to not only nerf C33, alc Ring, iri tag, and green AND yellow speed, but they ALSO either nerfed or gave a weird effect no one likes or wanted to several of his addons which were fine. But most importantly, they didn't buff any of his addons which are TERRIBLE. Currently...

C33 is just annoying, it isn't fun to use, and is kind of a noob addon that limits growth, skill expression, and feels like bullshit to play against.
Iri tag was given a weird effect that is also kind of noob-ish and is similarly overly-unpredictable which feels like shit as both killer and survivor.
Alc ring is not very good, but it DOES capatalize on Blight's really strong traversal, which EVERY SURVIVOR HATES. Aka it's bad but still annoying.
Blighted crow and rat were really fine--they were his least sweaty addons that were viable--and they reduced their speed bonuses from 6% and 4% respectively to 3% and 2%, which was unnecessary and will likely do nothing except make blight feel slower and clunkier to play.
Summoning Stone's old effect was something nobody complained about, was pretty niche, but also very fun. They reworked it and gave it a shitty effect that barely does anything at all. Purple addon by the way.
Soul Chemical suffered the same fate. It was niche and weak, but fun, and they gave it a shitty effect that hardly does anything and isn't fun to use or play against. Purple addon, a "very rare" addon.
EVERYTHING ELSE got NO CHANGES. UMBRA SALTS, CANKER THORN, ROSE TONIC, PLAGUE BILE, PUSTULA DUST, CHIPPED MONOCLE, COMPOUND SEVEN, FOXGLOVE, AND PLACEBO TABLET are HORRIBLE. 3 of those addons are DETRIMENTAL, the rest have an effect so limited, niche, or downright useless that no intelligent player who has any other addons would use these.

So, as of right now, Blight has 2 or 3 good addons that didn't get hit by the meteor that is BHVR's balancing team, and 90% of his addons are useless or detrimental. Needless to say, this is awful.

They removed hug tech

This is the worst thing that has ever happened to Blight, for a multitude of reasons.
It hurts both sides: All of the survivors will play against static Blights who play in a linear fashion with zero counterplay. That means you, in your games, are only playing against Blights who go at you in a straight line and down you in 30 seconds with no variability or counterplay, since he has "improved" collision now, making the game more map dependent, more BORING, and result in YOU having LESS fun. For the Blights, he is obviously less fun because if you choose to play him, you will LITERALLY be going in a straight line with no variability in the player's decisions. This means, at the end of the day, he isn't fun to play. He's the same every single match, and he has no skill expression. Oh wait,
He has no skill expression: Why would it be the goal of the game developers to remove any kind of skill expression from their game? I really don't think it is, and I think removing the hug tech is a misguided decision, where they think they're nerfing Blight, and they're not actually nerfing him, they're just making him suck to play as and against by making him boring. Removing all of Blight's high level skill expression makes it so the survivors also have no skill expression, and rely on RNG, and have to pray that Blight isn't running the best addons, and that you get good teammates, and all of the shit that doesn't happen, to win.

HOW TO FIX BLIGHT

Bring back the hug tech, first off. Many people will defend BHVR's decision as "they're just removing a bug from the game, it's a bug." The issue with this is that there are so many things in gaming and in Dead by Daylight which are bugs that haven't been removed because they're fun and healthy for the game. For example, SPINNING is a bug. You shouldn't be able to turn your character faster by spinning your camera, "abusing" the killer's camera, and having them whiff. But you can, because it's fun, and it allows for higher skill expression, and it's good for the game. COMBOING in Street Fighter was a BUG, that got left in, and now serves as the core of the gameplay of Street Fighter. There is NO reason NOT to bring BACK the hug tech, other than BHVR hates blight players (joke).
Fix his goddamn addons. Lock in BHVR, these addons suck, nobody likes them, nobody will use them, everyone will continue to use double speed, because every single other one of his addons is just pure unfiltered garbage. LilithOmen has a really good video which recommends addon changes for some of his strongest.
I'm a P100 Blight, and I've played him for a long ass time because he's been the best designed killer in every aspect and he's fun as shit. But BHVR is just ruining him more with each and every patch and it's really depressing watching him just get bad and uninspired addons and never having his detrimental ones fixed or removed or anything else, and having the BEST part of his kit which MAKES him the most fun killer, the hug tech, removed entirely, and turning him into this shitty shell of a killer.
Invest in your Blight stocks now, my glorious king will return.

Hello people of the R1999 subreddit, my name is Gordan, known by few as a mod on the Official Discord, contributor on the Discord Community Tierlist and mostly known for my work as a Prydwen staff member. I'm the "Tierlist Guy" for Prydwen (in the R1999 department, do not come at me for any other games that we cover, we have different teams for each of them).
Recently we've had some "drama" in the form of an update to our tierlist that made a very controversial move: kicking Jiu Niangzi out of S+ tier into S tier and putting Lucy in her place. In short, this was entirely a mistake on my part, being too quick to judge Lucy based on her VERY high power kit, absurd stats and the general nonsense she has (for a long-form answer to this piece of controversy in particular I've reacted to one of the posts regarding it and go into detail in the comments there: original post). This is not what this post is about, I just thought I'd mention it.
For the real topic of this post, I thought it'd help to share how we design our tier list and keep it updated at Prydwen, and since not everyone is in the Prydwen discord (where I'm most active) I feel like making a post here is appropriate as it will reach a wider audience. Some of our process is already written down on the website, but I've noticed a lot of people tend to disregard the drop-down menus and instead scroll straight to the tierlist without any of the context behind it. In this post I will elaborate on how we work the tier list in detail to be as transparent as I can with the community.

First things first

We love community feedback and I am ALWAYS open to discussing tier placements for ANY character, you can contact me by pinging me in the Official Discord or the Prydwen Discord (I don't know how active I'll be on Reddit).
We do not work with 3rd parties. Though our tierlist may undergo sudden changes at times that is mostly due to the point above. We do NOT "conspire" with 3rd parties on the tierlist and we go to great lengths to make the tier list FOR the community without any outside influences.

How do we update the tierlist?

Following this little problem of going either too quick (as with Jiu Niangzi's tiering) or going too slow (as with Vila's tiering) we've decided that upon release, we'll let each character cook (so to speak) for a week to get all the necessary data and give time for Phase 1 characters to be tested in Mane's Bulletin. For the sake of consistency, even if a character is obviously over- or underpowered, we'll let them settle into the roster for a bit at the very least.
The Overall, Global Standard/CN Standard, Global Raid/CN Raid, tierlists are all updated individually. Usually the Overall tierlist will be updated first, then the Global ones and lastly the CN ones due to the way in which the updates drop. Currently, the Global/CN tierlists are un-updated, which is why weird situations like Jiu Niangzi being S+ in both Global/CN but S on the Overall tierlist occurred (she's back into S+ on Overall now as well if you didn't read my comment on the other post or see any of Ethyl's posts).
We do a lot of discussions with the community and also content creators. Discussions usually happen on the Official Discord in a thread that's attached to #timekeeper-discussions channel called "TL/Information Doc Discussion". You can also contact me through the aforementioned avenues.
As a rule of thumb for EVERY tierlist that we update: 6-star characters are considered at P0, 5-stars are considered at P3+ and 4<-stars are considered at P5.
As the "Tierlist Guy" I firmly stand by the idea that any character in A-tier or up is perfectly fine to use in the current state of the game, it is only below A-tier that it starts getting a bit finnicky. Reverse:1999 is ultimately a PvE game and not hard enough to warrant tunnel visioning solely on the broken characters, though I can understand the sentiment with the more quickly growing power-ceiling in the recent updates to CN.

How does the tierlist actually work?

Overall Tierlist

The Overall tierlist seeks to depict each character in their most accurate and unfiltered form. Where the Standard and Raid tierlists focus on 3-man/UTTU/Limbo and Raid content respectively, the Overall tierlist disregards these altogether.
We do not put a limit on the amount of S+ tiers that can be present in Overall tierlist. This was originally the mistake that got Jiu Niangzi kicked out of S+ tier (due to Lucy being Reality DMG whereas Windsong was Mental DMG) but when the community pointed out I'd told them I wouldn't limit the amount of characters in S+ tier (to prevent bloating which also got me lots of complaints in the past) on the Overall tierlist I am now solidifying this as a personal rule.

Standard

The Standard tierlist depicts characters in a mostly 3-man setting. Due to this, you will often find characters that are inclined to be more AP-negative such as Kaalaa Baunaa or just don't perform well in 3-man settings such as 37 on the lower end of the tierlist.
On the Standard Tierlist we will keep the S+ tiers limited to 2 characters, one per type: Reality/Mental Carry, Buff/Debuff Support, HealeShielder Sustain. This does not mean that both of those slots are guaranteed to be filled, due to some character designs just not being up to par with their peers yet (talking about Shielders ofc).
What kind of characters do we believe are more suitable for S+ tiers on the Standard tierlist?
- Damage Dealers: AoE is preferred outside of niche circumstances, minimally AP-negative playstyle is also preferred, and minimal teambuilding requirements are taken into consideration.
- Support: Offensive kit is vastly preferred over defensive kit due to the quickfire nature of Standard battles, preferably either AP-neutral or AP-positive playstyle.
- Sustain: No distinction is made between AoE or ST healing but healing/shielding amount is taken into consideration, it is preferred that the character has access to tools beyond just their sustain unless sustain is their specific niche as is the case with Yenisei.

Raid

This tierlist should be updated most often throughout the course of updates as long as the devs continue to release new raids for them.
If a character is integral or "good" in all 3 available raids for that patch, they are considered for S+ tier.
If a character is integral or "good" in 2 of the available raids, they are considered for S tier.
If a character is integral or "good" in 1 of the available raids, they are considered for A+ tier.
If the character is fine in a raid during that patch they're considered for A tier.
Due to the way we rate these it can occur that there will be no S+ tier characters for a category, though this is unlikely to happen following Jiu's release and the current characters we have on CN. In addition, like with the Standard tierlist we do put a limit on the amount of S+ tier characters that can be present in any category at any given moment.
What kind of characters do we believe are more suitable for S+ tiers on the Raid tierlist?
- Damage Dealers: ST is vastly preferred unless mechanics dictate otherwise, there is no distinction made between AP-negative or positive playstyle due to extra AP.
- Support: No distinction is made between Offensive or Defensive kits as both can be present on one team, what is considered is things such as the duration of their effects and if they have an AP-positive playstyle or not.
- Sustain: AoE healing is preferred because of the extra party member but this is mostly irrelevant due to the ST healers we have being so good, for good Raid scores it is almost for the Sustain unit in question to have some niche beyond their healing, most preferably that offensively enhances the team since you most likely also run a defensive Support in the team anyway.

That is pretty much all that I can think of at present. Allow me to apologize once again for the slight shock in my mistake of kicking Jiu Niangzi down to S tier on the Overall tierlist, which should be fixed right now. If you'd like to discuss tier placements with me, please don't hesitate to hit me up wherever I'm available and I am happy to answer any questions that I may not have covered in my write-up in the comments under this post. As much (sometimes rightful) flak we get for the tierlist I do appreciate all the feedback coming my way and am always eager to do my due diligence in providing solid and informative content for the community.

I’m 18F and I plan to be child free because I’ve heard so many horror stories about pregnancy and labor and babies and toddlers and I think it’s so important to have unfiltered conversations that have all the realistic information because all we see and hear about is all the “great things about pregnancy and childbirth and having kids” and in reality that’s unfortunately not how it is for everyone at least and I remember telling my 55 year old mother about all the free birth control videos I see on TikTok and she insisted that it was just propaganda for us to not have kids which is such bullshit but like admittedly it is true at the same time because seeing those videos is what made me and many others people decide to be child free and I feel that we really need these realistic stories because all we see is that having kids is all sunshine and rainbows when in reality that’s not how it is for everyone and I’d rather be 100% informed on the pros and cons of having kids instead of only hearing the pros and getting all the cons and ending up hating my children because of it

Well, praying that I didn't fail my last two classes💀 I’m finally done with my degree. So why not share my unfiltered opinion/experience that I’m sure Faculty has been eagerly waiting for? Ranking wrt:
Course Content / Instructor / Organization / Exam/Pset Difficulty. Copying most recent post's format. Major congrats and shoutout to all graduating this semester and beyond, it's been more than real.
A lil motivation: don't give up, don't ever give up...
live look at brain having bruh moment during exam (is this a record?)
S-TIER:

CS 1110 - Intro CS Python: Will always be goated course for me. After switching majors, was very intimidated by CS. Prof Lee/Bracy & staff were godsent, course was very enjoyable and beginner friendly (duh) while remaining very fulfilling and challenging. Projects/Labs were very helpful and plenty of resources for help, enjoyed studying for exams and material thoroughly. Thank god I did not stick w Matlab (unbiassed opinion why do you ask)
ORIE 3500 - Prob & Stats II: An out of whack sequenced class took during summer but love how Goldberg teaches. Not sure if still applicable but grading was very friendly and not a lot of tedious course work but learned a lot and enjoyed class. Exams were challenging but fun and grade cutoff made learning pressure-free. Shoutout D Goldberg one of my favorite professors
ORIE 4580 - Simulation Modeling: Took this course w/o prereqs so was unprepared but Henderson is amazing person & Professor and will help you out. Really enjoyed Simio and project/assignments were fun, interactive, interesting. Shoutout Henderson: great guy award helped me through rough spot super approachable/easy to talk to. Decent amount of work and I didn't understand half of it but tools and info still relevant

A-TIER:

HD 3620 - Human Bonding: Not only easy and straightforward class but content was captivating and enjoyed studying for exams. I recommend this course to anyone, insightful and lends some underappreciated good advice/knowledge🧢
ORIE 4160 - Topics in Data Sc: Not to meat-ride Goldberg🍔 but top 3 prof I had. Class not tedious BS work; approaches high level topics with colloquial-like speech (not always) and I find learning easy with him. If only he would change his lecture notes format so its not formatted in size 1.5 pt font and jumbledtogetherinasingleboldedsentence, but looked forward to class. Relaxed classroom environment, would sometimes spend entire lecture on one proof but can't complain, was prob important lol
ORIE 3120 - Tools for OML: liked this class, Frazier is cool and material is well encompassing and useful outside of classroom. cool project; recommend to anyone interested in DS/OR
PSYCH 1102 - CogSci: Probably my most thoroughly enjoyed class I took here. Honestly would switch majors to this if I had the chance, fascinating stuff and was like exam only easy A
ORIE 3300 - Opt I: fw'd this course and instructors heavy. Had hard time initially but after time gained decent understanding. Shoutout Ishan/Varun, awesome instructors and great people. Made me like ORIE, f simplex.

B-TIEUSEFUL:

AEM 2011 S/S Modeling: Took during Summeasynch and was good intro to basics of data analyses/Excel. Fair grading/don't know if ever saw Prof but sure he was coo
AEM 4060 Risk Sim: Super chill class w Turkey who is sweetie. Another "real world" application class where you gain usable skills so can't go wrong. Very low workload no one showed up, only 3 assignments including Final so def recommend for ENG major requirement. I <3 AEM
PHYS 2214 III - Waves/Q&M: Prob fav science course taken. Textbook was helpful plenty of recitation/lab help. Amazes me how ppl managed to figure stuff like that out lol. Grade cut off was stupid, a 37 was lower bound for C on exams so ya boy fit in for once. Didn't feel like I was reading out of textbook, felt exploratory
ENGRD 2700 - Intro Prob & Stats: Took with Callister → My Guy. Interesting character, enjoyed his sarcastic/rude ED responses 😂 Very straightforward course, wish I retained more
ORIE 3150 - Accounting: Now we're talking. Yaddi know OG Callister got me right. Was nice breaking from OR curriculum and actually useful course. Lecture optional, just read textbook; could get a lil tedious
MATH 1920 - Multivariable: Zoom math ≠ learning. Not bad think was fav math.

MIDDLE-UPPER-LOWER-TIEGEED:

ORIE 4340 - Modeling and Computation: Okay didn't exactly give this course a chance due to scheduling but moved pretty fast and Prof severely understated amount of work it would take to catch up. Endless lecture notes and material but still cool class/learned little AMPL but def didn't get what I could have
CHEM 2090: Took this so long ago i doubt the periodic table is still a thing. Don't remember much except always walking out of exams stunned and lab partner who rightfully hated my ass. Barely passed but in hindsight didn't prepare well as wasn't that hard. Look for better sources
MATH 2940 - Lin Alg: zoom math smfh. probably the most important/relevant math course and still comes back and haunts me in every OR class so pay attention. Don't take during pandemic or you'll be learning from Youtube
ORIE 4600 - Financial Eng: Thought I would enjoy more than I did. Struggled with understanding content but also didn't go to class or try so perhaps could have something to do with it🤷 Very forgiving and chill grading scheme, wish I actually payed attention it was super hard to learn from lecture slides
PHYS 1112 M&H: Don't really remember much tbh, dropped it first time but eventually got the hang of it. I like physics textbooks
ORIE 3310 Opt 2: Just relearning 3300, boring and already learned material. Grading nice

EASY/CREDIT:

ECON 1110 - Micro: Covid sem. took online and was pretty easy.
ECON 1120 - Macro: Exams were more difficult, content is impressively boring and dull. Easy online credit tho
ORIE 4152 - Entrepreneurship for Engineers LMAO: Don't know how this course got approved/became legit tbh. easiest class on course roster i think there was one HW and just final project as a joke. Got to enjoy a bit more Callister, this semester was a my fav lol
PSYCH 2940 - Better Decisions: I might need to retake💀
PE 1430 - Yoga: Odd instructor pretty sure later got fired but loved class lol nice mid-day bool + good for the soul. Best PE credit. Pranayama 🧘
PE 1420 - Intro to Meditation: over zoom lol.

BUNS:

MATH 1910 - Calc I: Did shitty after prelim 1, not bad course but possibly recommend taking CASE exam if you already know material, kind of waste
ENGRD 2110 - Obj-Oriented Prog: Took in summer, was hopeful after enjoying CS1110 but class and content not as fun. Liked VanHattum, call me?
PHYS 2213 - EM: Imma be 100p here and not even pretend I deserve credit hours for this course but was available online (ilovecovid) so that was no brainer. Least favorite stem class. Dont cae
PSYCH 2350: Don't remember taking this. typical canvas credit course

FEVER DREAM / C&B TORTURE:

ORIE 3510 - Stoch Proc I: Second class I failed 😎 Somehow made less sense 2nd time. Cursed course its hard to recognize when you are fully wrong/using wrong intuition but you might not realize this until you get a 31 on the Final. Must attend in person. Thought it would cake retaking but had Scully who is great guy/genius but taught it almost entirely different format than previous year. Info seemed to go in one ear (wp= u/λ) and out the other, not a fan of his notes/material organization. Scully is huge improvement from Dai nonetheless.
MATH 2930 (First time😉)- DiffEq: My first failure!🤓 (took it when it was hard i swear) Even though 1st time through was rough, enjoyed solving equations and remains my central to major, def most involved of required math courses. Restructured version was an actual joke compared to previous year, legit had the option to retry & submit everything you turned in until you essentially got it right via brute-force submitting every possible answer.
FWS: (Challenges of Modernity): Sigh
ENGRI 1160 - Modern Structures: cool project but prof was hard to understand and psets were way too hard for sem1 intro eng course. TA could barely help, made me switch out of civil
FWS(Anthrop Persp. of Tech Worlds)?: Now they invent ChatGPT, sick

O-H

BIOG 1250 - Biology Seminar (The Rise and Fall of Viruses): Went to class for 3 weeks and learned ab Kentucky bluegrass and rocks, realized class wouldn't count towards major so dropped but figured I'd throw it in here.

Hey demons, It's me, ya boi...
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Notice: This story is about to humanity, but they are introduced much later into the narrative.
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Prev: Chains of the Veiled (3/?) :
Next:
First: Chains of The Veiled :
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Station 68 was one of necessity, built along with many others to remain active in the case it was needed during any sort of instance of Civilian Hardship. This was a place built for those with no path to rest and wait to walk a new one, and as such had many government-funded commodities to those that sought refuge here. Many found shelter here, homeless through any situation, from financial ruin to wartime refugees. They were civilian projects, for those who could not care for themselves, for those to rest and rely on until they could regain a foothold in reality. To regain control financially and socially.
This was not just free housing however, there are certain conditions that need to be met in order for your stay here to be acceptable. This wasn’t a service meant to be abused, it was for the homeless and poor alike, and those who needed it only... As such, the amenities provided weren’t stellar in any regards. There were recreational activities and freely distributed foods, but it was minimal and decent at best. It was free though, and beggars aren’t in a position to choose what kind of help they get. It’s enough to get reassurance that you don't need to worry about next meals. There was one thing about this place that was rather disappointing though… As Kazzi was currently complaining about in the seat across from me in the larger corner booth.
“Why pay for drinks?! Everything else here is free! Sure, it’s cheaper than anywhere else, but still! It just seems inconsistent with how everything else is here.” she spoke in a fit as she took another swig of alcohol. I could only sigh in a disappointed manner, finding Kazzi’s current behavior both unacceptable, and out of character. I knew that she was supposedly a party animal from what others in the department would suggest, but not to such a degree as to already be at her second bottle halfway into the evening.
After a second of regaining my barrings, I looked back up at the Fulkari woman to respond, “Well, drinking isn’t considered something that should be encouraged Kazzi. It’s an incentive to seek other means of coping with struggle, even if it’s as cheap as it is. It’s also more of a luxury on a station with barely any to give. The fact it’s as cheap as this despite its surprising quality really doesn’t seem to have the effect though. It seems like everyone that was on the yacht who escaped with us is also taking advantage of this feature.” It wasn’t a lie either, I say many others entered before and after us. All grabbing what they could, drawing the bartenders with requests as they wished to drown away problems.
Hopefully those staff got paid aplenty for dealing with shit like this. Some people were less than savory after having to deal with a mechanical extermination that removed them from their very way of life. Everyone and their mothers wanted something to down to distract from the trauma that flooded everyone’s mind, and I was no exception. With a glass of Vlekvir branded Whiskey, I took a long swig, downing a good portion of the bottle. Kazzi seemed to cheek me on somewhat, as she seemed to chuckle at my prolonged chugging. I simply rolled my eyes to Kazzi’s antics and continued to eat my meals. I made sure to drink enough water to not end up a complete Drunk, knowing that I was going to need to direct Kazzi back to the ship considering her tipsy state.
Why is it that I always have to hinder my fun just so this Fulkari doesn’t kill herself in the aftermath of her own?! It’s a serious issue that I refuse to tolerate any longer. Regardless of the current favor Kazzi had in this game of life, the tables would soon turn after I would help her back to the ship. Kazzi would owe me a favor for this, and that was something I intended to make good use of.
“Excuse me?” I heard, jumping at the suddenness of the question, spoke so close. I looked around frantically in response to being so startled, only to look down and find a small entity. A Kraviska, an insectoid species known for rapid repopulation with their method of reproduction being unique compared to most others. As long as they had a type of Queen to their hive, and enough meat and yeast to feed them, then they'd never run out of larvae. Her blue chitinous exoskeleton glistened in the light, and her four compound eyes bore an unease into my gaze. Her two claw-like pincers clicked as she spoke.
I took a moment to recollect myself from the scare, with Kazzi all but laughing at me in her tipsy state. I scoffed at her tease and looked back down at the Kraviska. “How did I not hear you walk over to us?” I asked her, and her antenna seemed to flicker up and down in her species form of embarrassment. For what I could only assume was the scare. She held herself low, keeping her tray of food close to her as she stuttered to respond. “I-I’m sorry,” She spoke. “It’s just something that I end up doing… I’m not trying to sneak about like I do, it just happens. I don’t understand why or how, but I make silent movements.”
“Is that a Kraviska thing, or just something that you do because…” I asked, leaving the question incomplete, waiting for a response. She looked to the side for all but a moment, antenna continuing to wiggle in embarrassment. “It’s something that I myself do, not my species. I’m sorry, I really am.” Seeing her hiding her face with her tray the way she was, I sighed and opted out of any further confrontation. “It’s fine, You just startled me is all… sorry for coming off as so hostile.” I said with a nod, a gesture meant to convey that I meant no escalation of conflict.
She seemed to ease up with this reassurance that I provided and lowered her tray from her face. Her face reverted back to her general curiosity that she initially spoke with. “I’m sorry for the scare. But… you see, the whole establishment is packed with patrons. My significant other and I can’t find a seat anywhere else. You’re in one of the larger booths, so I was wondering if maybe we could squeeze in? I-If you’d be willing, that is…” The Kriviska spoke in a meager tone, trying her best to be as polite as possible. I was honestly surprised to find such an non-confrontational member of her species, considering how prideful some of the supposed hive queens could be.
I nodded and responded in affirmation of the request, “Of course, there’s plenty of space for you and whoever else. Kazzi, could you move in a bit?” The tipsy fulkari huffed in annoyance as she scooted aside for whoever might need a seat. I gave her a glare, and one that seemed to have the expected effect. Being a hardened navy man, she was quick to correct her attitude when she saw me. As for the Insectoid, she nodded her head and went over to speak with…
A… A T’ccoj?! T’ccoj were silicon-based lifeforms that were essentially just massive electrical golems. Electrical signals capable of transmitting all about a metal interior which functioned as neurons in a brain in biological life. These electrical signals are so powerful that it allows them a limited ability to manipulate broad and wide bipedal legs they possess to move. They weren’t able to last long however, only able to live for a few hours after being struck with lightning. Only when they were discovered and provided robotic arms to manipulate tools, and battery packs to increase their menial lifespans, were they able to build up cities and civilization proper. T’ccoj were known for they’re adept learning and utilized in a plethora of roles. This T’ccoj in particular was large compared to most others, easily reaching my height, and my kind were one of the taller species.
When the insectoid walked over with the Living mineral, I found myself nervous and confused. Silicon life was always something that I was antsy around, I wasn’t sure why. It was just a great unease to speak with what was essentially a rock… It would be best to not call it that. I’m pretty sure that’s a racist term for lithoid life to refer to them as rocks.
The Kriviska hopped up into the seating and used her multi jointed legs to scutter across the cushions to the corner. She sat close to Kazzi and gestured to her silicon companion to take a seat just by her. Getting a better look at the T’ccoj, I saw the makeup of the living mineral. Its body was divided between crystalline orange and rocky brown textures. A battery pack along the back of its body, and powerful hydraulic based robotic arms allowing for heavy lifting. They were similar in color and texture to the T’ccoj’s natural body and moved in blocky and stiff manners like that of the Lithoid. It moved to sit downright next to the Insectoid…
What did the Kriviska refer to this entity as?! A significant other?!
“Allow me to introduce ourselves.” She spoke, regaining my direct attention. Whilst she did have my focus, my gaze was still trained on the T’ccoj, trying to get a better understanding of who I was dealing with here. “My name is Zikee, and this is Bocc… my husband.” Whilst I did my best to keep my shock as internal as I could. I found it baffling to see an insectoid like her with a lithoid like this. There was such a divide between compatibility, that I found it strange to be a witness of. Despite my ability to maintain composure, my Fulkari associate wasn’t so like me in the current state she found herself in. Being so tipsy caused her to nearly shout out in raw shock at the fact. As she spoke, it was slurred and unfiltered due to the unnerving amounts of alcohol in her system.
“You married a Lithoid? As a small and fragile Kriviska?! Wouldn’t that lead to some very dangerous situations, like being crushed by the big guy's weight?” I turned to glare at Kazzi, trying to shut her up from this drinking sprawl she seemed to invite with her comment. My glare didn’t have so much of the same effect as before. She seemed to have a bit more resistance to my influence due to the increased effect of her alcohol intake. I should have stopped her sooner, but decided against it since Kazzi needed some relief after the attack. I was beginning to regret that decision even more than before…
Zikee seemed to sigh an annoyed sigh, likely having this conversation many times before. “No… it doesn’t. We Kriviska’s don’t have as fragile exoskeletons as theories believe. Our kind developed in a high gravity world after all! I could bench press Bocc on certain low gravity worlds. Admittedly there are very few where that could happen, but they do exist! Not to mention that I love Bocc, they’re a joy to have around. A shy and gentle giant who’s all but the most tender with little ones. They’re my husband because I love them for who they are. They’re a loving soul despite the hardened exterior they have.” She turned to look at Bocc as she spoke, looking at them with a sense of compassion and devotion that I considered rare to see.
Bocc had a vocalizer attachment, one which allowed them to speak to others freely. Using the electrical signals in their rock brain to operate the machine and speak as needed. “My goal is to be the best I can be… For her. She deserves as much for all she does for me.” He said in a heartfelt tone of conviction. One which caused the Kriviska to turn her head in embarrassment. “Oh stop it you.” She teased, waving one of her arms at him in a dismissive manner, chuckling all the while.
“Seems like you two are really close and trust each other. Can I ask how you two met?” I asked, wanting to know the story to these two. It’s not every day that I find such an interesting duo like the one before me. Bocc seemed to respond on their behalf, “We met years ago when we fell on hard times. We met at a restaurant where I was working, and she was eating at the time. I decided to strike up a conversation after work and it ended up leading me to ask her out. We had our ups and downs, but we pushed through because of the understanding we share. Not to mention, despite our incompatibility in terms of physical appearances, we were never concerned with. We cared about each other because of who we were, not because of any other desires. We wanted to be with one another, because… We just love each other.”
… I was surprised to find such an outlandish couple to be one of the most wholesome I’ve ever seen. “But what about-” Kazzi began to ask before I shut her lips myself with my claws. Kazzi was about to ask something vulgar, and I refused to let her alcohol-ridden system ruin something so pure. The adoration in Zikee’s compound eyes was evident to the devotion she had for Bocc. “As long as we have each other, we’re complete. No matter what else we lose…”
Zikee’s comment left open many interpretations to be made, as the last part was spoken solemnly. As such, it led me to ask the question, “You were part of the evacuation of Fojhiam too, right?”
The two froze up for a moment, before turning back to me. They laid still and motionless as the thick air was left to permeate the surroundings of our booth. From their silence, a thousand words were spoken. It was clear that these two were very much victims like us, victims of tragedy and loss. As hundreds of billions of people lost connection with the wider galaxy. The whole event is almost taboo to speak on, despite us being witness to it. The two of them seemed hesitant to speak up, not wanting to confirm anything right yet. Despite the heavy air, and the stoic expressions they tried to wear, I could feel the heavy emotion radiate from them both. I was going to say something, but Bocc spoke first, their mechanical voice a product of the machine they spoke through.
“We were able to escape on a Jasvikan Superyacht. It was luck that was on our side for such a wealthy individual to permit us entry without leaving. I guess there are good people no matter the walk of life they take.” Bocc said, giving a general idea of his opinion of wealthy individuals. But what my attention gravitated to during their whole exposition was the ship they escaped on… the one that-.
“Oh, you escaped on my ship!” Kazzi spoke up, saying the statement with a drunken burp. I swear this Fulkari is going to be the death of me. The two were shocked at the idea, sitting before the owner of the ship that led them to safety. Zikee was completely stunned by the claim and stuttered to respond. “Y-You’re telling me… T-That you’re the owner of the Jaskivan yacht?! That’s insane! You must enjoy browsing the exotic side of the market! Regardless of the ship itself, you have no idea how grateful I am for you saving us!” She scuttered over to Kazzi to go about shaking her hand and conveying appreciation. The Fulkari woman was able to at bare minimum reply with equal appreciation, even if her words were slurred.
It was amusing to see, but turning to Bocc on the other side gave a completely different look. Something that seemed like a crack in the sort of shy and stoic personality which Zikee advertised. Their tone was one of barely contained anger, shrouded in annoyance. “So… were you the one that flew the ship? Or was it someone else?” Why he was asking that made me unnerved and concerned for my safety. I was the one who piloted the ship and did so in a way which tossed a few folks around, despite the prime conditions of the gravity generators. Was Bocc tossed about, and bitter about the condition that I inflicted upon him with my flying?
Kazzi was dismissive of the claim made by the T’ccoj, which caused the attention of the lithoid to shift onto me. T’ccoj’s didn’t have any sort of face, let alone a head. Despite this inability to convey emotion in a traditional manner, I could see in the way the Bocc composed himself that they were ticked off over something. “Was it you then?” They asked me, with a glare despite not having eyes. It terrified me to answer truthfully, because I was the helm throughout that whole escape. I was once a military man, serviced upon a warship during the outbreak of the GA-Foretold War. Even during the days of service, a loose cannon was the best way to describe my performance at the helm. For better or for worse, I was one to fly in a manner that could only contribute to great insanity.
Flying which seemed to be a major tick in the metaphysical eyes of the T’ccoj before me. I twiddled my claws as I struggled to respond. However, my reaction was enough to provide more than enough evidence to my role during the escape. Evidence which was swiftly examined by the Lithoid, and which attributed to the T’ccoj slamming the robotic appendages they possessed onto the table in aggression. They stood in place as they brought a claw to point directly at my face as they spoke in a tone which clearly cited their annoyance. “Do you have any sort of awareness of how your flying strains the reactor?! I was needing to evacuate the powerplant because of the dangerous conditions that the reactor was reaching with the overclocking that you set upon the suffering machine! Yes, you got us out of that nightmare, but you in turn caused me to experience one in turn! Do you have any idea of how devastating it is as a reactor technician to watch such a tremendously important machine be abused by such reckless flying?!”
Kazzi and Zikee both exchanged glances as they coward away from the seething lithoid, Bocc was creating a bit of a scene with the passion behind their anger. I was able to piece together the story in my mind relatively quickly. Bocc was without doubt the one on the other end of the call that I had during the evacuation. Calling the power plant to prepare for the overclock when I did. It makes much more sense now, considering my actions did cause major stress upon the Prestigious Vow’s framework. I began to speak in a last ditch effort to explain myself to the T’ccoj.
“Bocc, please understand that anything less than the extremes that I was pushing upon the ship wouldn’t have gotten us through the warp gate the way we did. I did what I needed to in order to prevent any contact with enemy missiles, and pass through the warp gate through the collapse. I’m sorry for the stress I put on the ship, but there wouldn’t be a ship if I did anything less.” I stated, causing the T’ccoj to flinch for a moment. I could tell from the way Bocc held itself that they understood that I was right. Despite agreeing with me, they shivered in aggravated annoyance with me for my reckless piloting.
The Lithoid grunted and begrudgingly slumped back into their seat. They held their hands up to the peak of their torso, like how one would palm their face with their hands. Despite not having a head, it was clear whatever was in its place for Bocc was hung low. A great disdain was ever present, but one whose initial prominence was substituted with a current sulking. “That poor reactor…” I heard muffled by the T’ccoj as they struggled to cope with the damage to the machine. I could tell without doubt that this reactor technician took their position very seriously, almost viewing the reactor system as an extension of themselves.
Zikee seemed to scutter to her lithoid partner and rest a claw upon their shoulder, giving them comfort as they seemed to wallow in misery at the condition of the ship. I won’t lie, whilst it got out of the evacuation the least banged up, that meant very little considering all the other ships. Some of those husks shouldn’t have been flying, but they hung within the drydocks of the station, waiting to either be taken to repair yards or scrap yards alike. Most couldn’t afford to repair them like Kazzi, as such I anticipated many of them to be scrapped. That was probably something that ached the lithoid.
“You seem to have a great love and reverence for these kinds of things. Technology is something that you adore isn’t it?” I asked, garnering the attention of the T’ccoj. “Indeed so,” Bocc replied not soon after. “It’s technology that has allowed my people to become a true civilization. To be able to survive for more than a few simple fleeting hours. We exist as a testament to the wonders that such technology provides, as such I feel indebted to the machines that encompass the everyday lives of those loyal to the Assembly. I want to one day understand every modern technological marvel, to one day become more than a reactor technician and become a true inventor.”
I felt a sense of warmth at the rather pure dream, and huffed in amusement before properly speaking. “Your passion for this goal will attest to it coming to reality. I wish you well in achieving it.” The lithoid seemed to appreciate my words of affirmation, and shifted to a much less stiff composure. Bocc sighed synthetically through their vocalizer, before looking back at me to respond. “Thank you for such supporting words Kovvak. I’m… I’m sorry for speaking the way I did. Even though it was a personal reason, it was still unacceptable for me to speak so brashly.”
“That’s quite alright,” I added. “We can all lose sight of what’s important when clouded by heavy emotion. I’m sorry for the reckless flying, but at least you’re here to curse me for it now rather than being cursed to walk through the next life alone, right?” The Lithoid only chuckled at my words. “You are most correct. Maybe I gave you too little credit before… I’m glad to be shown otherwise now.”
“I have that effect on people.” I speak in a joking manner, one which warrants a laugh from Zikee and Bocc. Kazzi said nothing, blacking out rather easily after the alcohol in her system finally took control. I could only sigh at the Fulkari woman… She’s going to really need my help handling such a prominent hangover once all is said and done-
“Everyone listen,” I hear someone speak up from the bar. Causing my train of thought to shift tracks towards the source of the commotion. I wasn’t the only one to have their gaze pulled to this new source, Zikee and Bocc also did the same. The Kraviska hoisting herself to look over the back of the seat towards the bar, and the T’ccoj having their robotic eye lift up without having to move themselves. Kazzi is still blackout drunk from all the alcoholic influence she was subjected to at the moment.
What was a simple conversation between strangers turned into a strange situation as the bartender moved their appendage to show a remote, one with had their eyes fully trained on as they poked away at numerous buttons. The remote was one for the televisions, as they shifted to switch to CCNN, the Core Central News Network. The tv volumes also increased to ensure that this was the main attention grabber in the room. Whilst that was the case, I also looked outside to find that many of the overhead televisions and other such devices were being changed to shift to what seemed like breaking news. The CCNN showed their host news anchor speaking on the GA council head. The representatives of each of the Elder species of the entire organization were present. Each one standing before a podium being recorded by the camera which was transmitting across all channels. This was a PSA, a majorly important PSA given the presence of such important people being presented.
Already I knew well what this was about. After all, practically everyone here in the establishment was a victim of the tragedy. Majority on the station were all there on Fojhiam as it fell. Not everyone in the universe knew however. There were still many worlds in the GA, among outreaches that took around a full day of travel to achieve. The GA would only ever make announcements like this under certain conditions and never anything less.
All instances pertaining to massively influential events. Almost all of them are related to disasters…
The woman who stood in the middle podium was tall and lanky. A Svenoiraq, one of the eight founding species, and chairwoman of the galactic assembly’s council chambers. With three long and spindly fingers holding down firmly at the edges of the podium, her pale white skin glistened against the fabric backdrop of the set. A long neck and pale flat face, adorned with four binocular eyes and a vertical mouth. Chairman Ryu was the most powerful in the GA, and her presence at the PSA conference was no mistake.
“My fellow sapients”, she spoke in a calculated manner, with little emotion in her voice. Her eyes glazed over with an almost lifeless expression, magnified only by her monotone voice. “18 hours, 56 minutes, and fourteen seconds ago, we of the GA high command received an alert regarding unregistered fleet activity in the Fulkari home system. An unknown fleet of an origin that is both mysterious and obvious all the same. Before you, shall be shown what little footage we managed to recover from one of the military vessels that escaped the carnage. I beg you to avert the eyes of your children.”
A Holographic display formed behind the Elders, one that provided the perspective of a ship camera. Raw and unedited footage based on the condition of the camera. A small display was provided in the corner to monitor activity on a diverse and extensive sensor grid. One which remained inactive for what seemed like a concerning amount of time. It was choking with the amount of mental strain this silence caused. In all but a single nanosecond, the display shifted to show the sensor grid flaring alarming all about as a literal supernova worth of activity just spawned… instantaneously, lights flared and sensors went awry with panic. The sensor display on the left showed the size of the active Fulkari fleet compared to that of the enemy that just materialized in the system. And the difference was that of night and day. The Fulkari defenders all but a single atom to the cell of power that was the black fleet. It didn’t matter that those black ships seemed unshielded, the sheer amount of them was more than enough to overpower the Fulkari.
The camera gave all the more unease, as instantly, light from distant stars appeared almost snuffed from reality as the mass of forces blotted any room for light to weave through. Faint lights were visible, which conveyed a sense of primal hatred. Hatred with seared through space like hawking radiation from all but the smallest of singularities. This was only then followed by battle footage, of the enemy forces punched through the stationed defensive craft with beams of terrible firepower. Invisible powers that caused massive explosions upon the defending craft, grilling anyone unfortunate enough to not immediately die. All but a second later was all that it took for the camera to finally be struck, the station that it was attached to likely receiving critical damage. Footage only received by the crews working hastily to escape with all the data they could.
That was all that was recovered from the military craft, all we had as to the source of the Black fleet. A clue with no trail, a lead with no start… but despite the mysterious air to the whole situation, the source of this attack was as obvious as the light of day. With the chairwoman speaking up, the silence was much less heavy than a few seconds before.
“This recording received from one of the surviving members of the planetary Garrison was nowhere near enough to receive a definitive claim on who assaulted the Fulkari territories. As the ships which by all accounts seem to be AI automated, are unheard of in our collective spaces but the most likely theory is what we all suspect. My fellow sapients, such technology is foreign to us, outside of GA jurisdiction and influence. No force could be built within our space without our noticing, and such technology to simply appear in a fixed point in space exists in our collective. There’s only one source we can possibly theorize is the source of this attack. Until any further evidence is presented in spite of the assumption, it’s very much likely that The Foretold Survived… And have bided their time building up these mechanical forces.
“Such a theory, whilst unfounded, is terrifying to reminisce on, especially considering the implications. They were already dangerous without their hostilities to the GA… now more than ever we face a threat of an even greater magnitude. One that is to meet in full force… As such, we of the high council call upon the members of the GA to begin preparations to re-enter wartime production and prepare for total War. Now more than ever we must be ready, for time is no longer on our side.”
It certainly wasn’t…
…
I can’t help but think of how this is a fate that we’ve inflicted upon ourselves… do we really deserve this?
Maybe…

Standing in a desert with no one but Solomon and me, a quiet fear had me scratching the top of my hands. Snapping his fingers, the scene shifted to the president’s house. Staring down at my outfit, a frilly wedding greeted my trembling palms. Stepping back with a rounded eyes, his elbow hooked around mine. Leaning down to kiss me, a clammy sweat drenched my skin. Pushing him away, his claws sank into my arms. Shaking me while yelling at me, a scream burst from my lips.
Jerking awake in my chair, the other’s watched me with deep concern. Wiping my tears away, a wave of my hands shut them down. That monster was never going to be my husband, my teeth gritting. Rubbing at my dark bags underneath my eyes, that nightmare had been occurring too often. Jack’s words of comfort falling on deaf ears. Day two of a major migraine had me massaging my forehead, the lack of sleep leaving me feeling less than my usual self. Sinking into my seat, my fingers brushed against my chains. Another mission to a heavily populated planet had us rushing to aid those trapped in a discreet servant trade, my heart aching for them. Images of dead parents haunted me, the poor children probably sitting in cages. Remembering Scampy and Basy’s smile merely brought more unfiltered rage, the raw hurt of how they ripped me from my life biting my heart. Ignoring everyone through the long hours, we descended into the dark side of a mining planet. Undoing my harness, I dropped my helmet over my head. Everything doubled, Jack grabbing my shoulder the moment I snatched my staff off the wall. Mission first, then we can talk about my feelings. Although, the desire to talk about any of it wasn't there.
“What is going on with you lately?” He asked with an annoyed huff, my hand slapping his hand away. “You need to talk or you could compromise this mission.” Rolling my eyes, all of this was becoming too much. Icy and Whiskers joined my side, the conversation ended like that. Running in the shadows, the oxygen kicked one. Cloakie radioed me personally, his voice crackling in my ears. What did he want? Feeling cranky from my migraine, everything seemed to be a nuisance.
“Even I know that you aren’t okay. Talk to me while I hack into the system.” He spoke sternly, the corner of lips curling into a tired smile. “Don’t get me started on your lack of sleeping at night.” Digging at the light green sand, he had a point. Then again, would it be fair for Jack not to know what was going on before anyone else? His rights as a husband required that, my heart wanting to give him such a simple conservation. Alas, it was not a simple task to my anxiety- ridden mind.
“It’s nothing.” I spat impatiently, the three of us coming upon a clear dome protecting the kids. “Leave me alone.” The heavy door groaned open, Cloakie chastising me. Sprinting in, the door slammed shut behind us. Hiding behind a big rock, dirty kids walked by with carts of precious metal. Remembering the trauma that I was put through, horror rounded my eyes at the impaled parents on wooden spikes. Jack shook with raw fury behind me, my hand on his arm shutting him down. Turning on my radio, the boys shook their heads in protest at my order.
“Get the kids out of here. Pull the ship, Cloakie! I have a problem to deal with.” I ordered sharply, my concise words affirming my position on the matter. Skidding out of my hiding spot, golden energy glowed at the end of my staff. Missing my pets, my scaled ladies were on my ship waiting for my return. Think of something nice. Think of something nice to keep me calm.
“Come on out, Master Fachork! Face me like the man you aren’t!” I challenged him, his snake alien men looking up from what they were doing. “I suppose an appetizer is in order. Come and get me.” Sprinting into the mine, the ten henchmen crunched after me. Building up golden energy around my foot, a swift kick sent a cart clanking down a tunnel. Hiding in a large crack, the glow from my golden staff died down. Watching them crash down the tunnel with headlamps, the next step had to be completed. Coming out of my hiding spot, the number of casualties had to be kept to a minimum. Creeping out of the entrance, the pale moonlight of five moons gave me the light I needed while making my head pound harder. Sprinting towards a sea of tents, big eyes watched me skid into the tent. Jack appeared over the hill with about thirty children, the ten behind me cowering. Crouching down to their level, their breath hitched the moment I took off my helmet. Cupping the nearest child’s cheek, tiny tears dripped off of my fingers. The poor things had nothing to worry about in our care, a few of the homes opening up for them when we got back.
“You need to go with the blonde haired man. He is the way to safety.” I promised them sweetly, all of them running towards Jack. Pushing the flap out of the way on my way out, a big worn tent glowed in the distance. Hearing the ten men I ditched crunching behind me, time wasn’t on my hands. My footfalls echoed in the canyon, an elbow to each guard’s face had them hitting a patch of light green rock. Letting myself into the tent, a snake alien in a beat up leather suit placed his whiskey glass gingerly on a coaster. His neon green scales shimmered in the light of the flames, his golden snake eyes tracking me. Must they always be this creepy.
“Long time, no see. What has brought the great captain to my tent.” He commented casually, plucking a cigar from the case next to him. “Solomon said that you would come. Why don’t you want to be his bride? You could have all the riches in the world. After all, you are only a mutt.” Shrinking back, his words stung harder than usual. Slapping my cheeks to snap me out of it, I placed my helmet on his desk as gingerly as he placed his cup. Lighting up the cigar, he snapped his fingers. Solomon sauntered in, his arm yanking me close to his waist. Jamming a needle into my neck, my shaking hands shoved my staff into my belt before I went limp. Throwing me onto the bed, his steady hands chained me to the pole in the tent. Noting his horrid burns, our battle on that planet left a few scars. Smiling to myself, some damage had been dealt.
“Why am I not shocked at your survival? I should have known that my little prize had a way out.” He mused playfully, his finger tucking a loose piece of hair behind my ear. Shuddering involuntarily, my nightmare became one step closer to becoming reality. Plopping down next to me, he crossed his hands on his lap. True terror swelled within me, my plan of attack biting me in the ass again. Why couldn’t I ask for help like a normal person? Turning his head to face me, he plucked dust bunnies off of his expensive ivory suit. Smirking cruelly, his palm rested on my thigh. Silent tears stained my cheeks, a bomb rolling in giving me reasons to cry harder. The lack of beeping would be my undoing, my cleverness with my weapons not helping. A loud boom had the toad’s venom splashing onto us. The pure agony of it searing my face canceled out his drug, one solution remaining. Yanking on the pole with the chains holding me prisoner, a thud had the canvas falling over us. The end of the pole had been upended, my muscles protesting as I shimmied down the pole. Hitting the sand with a gruff groan, Master Fachork rolled around a few inches from me. Army crawling over to me, his eyes widened at me draping my chains around his neck. Hissing had my ears perking up, Ratalia slithering in. Venom flowed freely from her fangs. Sinking them into the soft spot on his throat, foam frothed around his lips. Seizing until his hand dropped to the sand, Ratonia lowered a healing potion into my mouth. Biting the glass, the thick liquid coated my throat. Spitting out the glass shards, the cuts on tongue would heal in a moment. Scooping me up, her tongue flickered against my face. Rubbing her scales, her eyes flitted over to Solomon. Wiggling my toes, enough feeling was back for me to walk. Sliding off of her with a kiss, my eager fingers curled around my staff. Steadying my legs, ice shot out from underneath me. Melting it with my golden energy, this was about to be a death trap for him. Electricity crackled to life around his palm, another wave of ice foiled my plans. Cursing under my breath, my scaled pets whisked me out of the tent. Setting me down, Solomon pulled himself out. His staff glistened in his hand, a malicious grin twitching on his lips. Charging at each other, our weapons locked in a position of power. Pushing each other back and forth, his hissing skin peeled off of his arm. Jamming my knee into his stomach, his body smashed into the rocks. Coughing up a fountain of blood, a couple of his organs had burst. Icy tossed me a vial of the venomous oil, Solomon charging at me. Wondering if the oil would burn him, today would grant me my answer. Rubbing the oil into the metal tip, my gloves protected me from its negative effects. Catching my reflection in the ice, faded scars covered my cheeks. As if I couldn't get any uglier, I cursed bitterly to myself. Screwing the top back on, a throw behind me had Icy catching it. Spinning my staff in my palm, Solomon appeared over me with electricity crackling over his staff. Blocking his strike clumsily, my body hit the sand. Rolling around to avoid his blows, my free hand grabbing a big old handful of sand. Throwing it in his face, a thud announced him hitting the ground next to me. Jack called for me to hurry up, Icy tapping his foot with a mixture of anxiety and impatience. Putting my hand in the air, I raised my beat up staff over my head. Slamming it into his head, his tongue rolled out of his mouth. Ratalia rolled my helmet over to me, a quick peck on her cheek had her rattling her tail with joy. Sprinting next to Icy, the others yanked us onto the ship. Tired children were strapped to the bars, Icy throwing me into my chair. Guiding my snakes into their harnesses, the door shutting had him leaping back into his seat. Hooking everything up, Jack backed up a bit before zooming into the inky sea of diamonds. Working the switches, a wormhole hummed to life. Flying in without thinking, he rode the waves of energy with ease. Skidding onto another one of the many jungle planets, the neon trees shooting from the ground. Not recognizing this planet, our coordinates had to be further out. Slowing to a stop, Jack killed the engine. Undoing my harness along with my pets, my snakes couldn’t be happier to be free. Typing at the keyboard, my ship did a run through of the oxygen levels. Watching the bar move up and down, a sigh of relief flooded from my lips at it falling well within the safety zone. Ditching my suit, curiosity had me running towards the door to explore. Typing in the code to open the door, my heart ached for the poor orphans we rescued.
“Whiskers and Jack will take care of you. I have to go make sure we are safe.” I announced with a bright smile, the kids cheering up a bit. “Cloakie and Icy! Come along!” Smoothing out my mechanic’s suit, Jack’s protests fell on deaf ears. The door hissed open, Icy’s helmet resting on a seat. A sickly warm breeze lashed at my cheeks, Icy laying his hand on my shoulder.
“Maybe you should talk to Jack. He wouldn’t stop talking about how worried he is about you.” He suggested with a cautious grin, his words holding weight. “Do it for me if you can’t bring yourself to do it.” Pushing me towards Jack, Jack ran his hand through his hair. Yanking me closer to his hips, his forehead pressed against mine. Rocking back and forth for a minute, a hallucination of Solomon had me leaping back. Apologizing pathetically as I ran off the ship, Cloakie and Icy had no choice but to follow me into the lush neon blue and pink vegetation. My pets slithered to my side, the company feeling welcome. Icy cleared his throat as a bloody Bogs waved at me from behind a tree. The color drained from my face, a clammy sweat drenching my skin. Fighting back tears, the scientists from the bomb project had silent tears staining my cheeks. Something seemed off, the scent of deception poisoned the air. The dirt crunched behind us, Jack fussed with his leather jacket. Grinning ear to ear maliciously, a gun glinted in his hand. The others stared at me with odd expressions, my boots pounding deeper into the jungle. Running until I couldn’t, a spike cut my palm. Strange neon pink sludge oozed into my palm, a rough darkness stealing me away.
Standing in the lab of my bomb building project, the scientists waved at me as I crossed the threshold. Happy to be working for me, long emerald waves brushing against the top of my hand spoke of better times. Remembering what day it was, the petite mouse alien dropped the nuclear material onto the floor. A blast knocked me out of the space, a burnt scientist slamming the door shut to prevent a nuclear leak. A ringing in my ears mixed poorly with the rushing sounds of my burst ear drums, officers rushing in around me. Touching my forehead, blood painted my finger. Jack rushed up to me, his words sounding as if he was under water. Reaching for the door, a pool of blood hit my boot. All of them were gone, tortured wails bursting from my lips. The commander marched up to me, her hand pinning me to the wall. Her face blurred, her beratement fading in and out. Jack began to argue with her, a punch sending him into the wall. Kneeing her in the gut, she had no damn right. Dropping me to the floor, the crack of my skull plunged me into darkness.
Groaning awake in her secret torture chamber, the vodka was hot on the commander’s breath. Leaving me alone with someone else, terror had my muscles shaking like a leaf. A thick cloth covered my eyes, Jack’s screams shattering what composure remained. Chains rattled as I realized that a cage surrounded me. A familiar voice had chills running up my spine, Solomon’s claw tracing my cheek. Shivering with fear, my burst ear drum gave me a small bit of relief.
“The commander promised you to me. Together we can destroy all that is around us.” He bragged gleefully, his bright tone frightening me further. “We are the same age and from the same town. Let’s just say I am simply obsessed with you. Too bad the commander is under my control.” Laughing maniacally, the door blew open. Snapping her fingers, the heel of his boots clacked to the other side of the room.
“Do you know what you have done!” She roared thunderously, her slap had a stream of fresh blood dripping down my cheek. “The president wants my head.” Unlocking the cage, she ordered Solomon to follow her out. Too feeble to move, the image of blood pouring out from underneath the door haunting me. The door squealed open, Jack staggered in with bruises all over his face. Leaning down to check up on me, his arms draped me over his shoulder. Too weak to fight back, violent sobs wracked my body. Closing the door to our room, the lock clicked shut. Laying me down on my bed, he collapsed next to me. Burying me in a desperate embrace, my emotions soaked his blood soaked shirt. Apologizing profusely, his finger lifted up my chin.
“It was all an accident.” He wept as hard as I was, several of his friends being caught in the blast. “This isn’t your fault.” Unable to speak, his lips brushed against my forehead. Neither of us spoke of the feelings passing between us, a deep despair silencing our hearts.
Sitting up with a deep gasp of air, the streaks that were stars told me that we were heading home. The medical room greeted me, my frantic eyes flitting between the details. Wiping the tears from my eyes, every breath grew shorter. Violent sobs wracked my body, the memory of my friends getting disintegrated breaking me all over again. Cupping the sides of my head, a broken scream exploded from my lips. Jack burst in, his wet eyes glimmering with relief and a dark worry. Sweeping me into his arms, he buried me into a desperate embrace.
“They died because of me! They died because of me!” I cried into his chest, my breathing growing faster. Hitting his back repeatedly, I wanted to be anywhere but here. Letting me work through my panic attack, his finger lifted up my chin. His tears splashed onto my face, the corner of his lips quivering. Why was I so messed up?
“Like I said before it was an accident.” He assured me with his real smile, my muscles giving out. “You worked yourself up again. My friends died that day but they shut the door so you didn’t die. They knew what they were getting themselves into. I love you with all of my soul and I need you to know that I am here for you.” My tears raced down his arm, the inability to smile back scaring me. Attempting to smile, his head shook.
“Stop trying to smile when you can’t. The depression doesn’t go away but what you are doing is dangerous. You can’t keep shoving it down or things like this will keep happening. Please talk to anyone if it can’t be me.” He pleaded with another one of his loving smiles, his lips pressing against mine tenderly. “Let me see your palm.” Lifting up my palm gingerly, the infected cut oozed. Scooping me into his strong arms, my heart fluttered at how handsome he looked. Gathering his supplies with his free hand, he sat me down on the bed. Working on my wound, something had to be said.
“I hate myself every day. People like Bogs died for me and I can’t live with that.” I admitted brokenly, his lips pursing into a playful smirk. “I want to get better. This depression is drowning me but everyone keeps me going.” Finishing with my wound, his hand cupped my cheek. Jack was my rock and I really needed him in this vulnerable moment.
“I hear you. You aren’t the monster you think you are. We all love you. Get some rest.” He returned sweetly, kissing the top of my head. Turning to leave, I leapt onto his back. Begging for him to take me with him, a warm yes had a bit of life returning to my eyes.

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