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Remember to check our Ai Generator: CandyAI

Relationship/dating based btw.
Hello. This is pretty embarrassing and tacky and I hope it doesn't come off as desperate, posting on Reddit, of all places, but dating apps suck nowadays. I'm a uh... pretty picky person when it comes to dating, physically and personality-wise, even though I shouldn't be.
I don't actually know what to type here! Ideally I want someone who will spend a lot of time with me, someone who isn't so busy, and play video games with me, PC games, because I don't have consoles, well I do, have a Nintendo Switch and I'm a huge Nintendo fanboy, but console online gaming is very limited, and I'm a huge PC gamer. I don't mind long distance. You can live close to me or not, as long as we click and have the same interests and are mutually attracted to eachother, later on we can always move in if things go well. And I mean anywhere, idc if you’re in Canada, Europe… I’ve always wanted to go there!
I have a lot of Steam games, especially co-op games. I've been playing a lot of Genshin Impact lately, and League of Legends is a game I've played for over 10 years, along with FFXIV, which has been over 7 years. Some of my favorite PC games are Divinity Original Sin 2, Dark Souls, Terraria, and Subnautica, and Dead by Daylight. I love JRPG's, really anything anime-related, the Final Fantasy series, Pokemon, Fire Emblem series ((important)), and turn based tactical strategy RPG games in general (think Final Fantasy Tactics).
I love music. My music taste is all over the place, I can listen to anything, but I really love Lana del Rey.
About me, uh, I'm really short, 5'4-5'5, black hair, black eyes, otter-y. Obviously I like video games, anime, TV series, music, I'm a huge gamegeek. I love indie games and VGM. Self-summary's are hard and make it seem like I live a boring life, which, I do. I’m more of an indoorsy person, but I’m looking for someone that’ll get me out of the house, or, to just stay inside with me. I love nature, spirituality, crystals, and cute things. I'm a very open person, very bold, I have an intense personality, I'm not a shy person at all, so if you're shy/introverted, I hope you don't mind if I come across as too forward. I'm pretty extroverted, I never need alone time or space or anything, and would prefer someone also extroverted or more open.
Physically, I like skinny guys, twinks/otters.. Don't really care about age unless you're too young or too old. I like guys with nice hair and nice voices!
Hit me up if you want to. Just please have a picture of yourself, or various ones. Please don't be weird, please don't be too shy or too introverted, please don't be in the closet, please no drugs, and please don't be overly sexual. Please no ghosting. Please have time for me and I'd rather if you weren't much of a busy person.
And take care of me! 🥺
...I hope all of this isn't too demanding.
Thank you! Have a good day! ...I hope all of this didn't sound pretentious or snobby or something, I really don't know how I'm supposed to "advertise" myself on dating stuff. I'm actually not like this at all! I'm super sarcastic, sassy, dark humor, etc.
My steam: https://steamcommunity.com/babydweet1
Discord: prince0476
Insta: https://www.instagram.com/iprincey
Twitter: https://twitter.com/sirenprince2

A cada dez pessoas uma delas é um cara, não uma mulher trans, um cara. Tipo serio, pra mim esse é o equivalente do maluco que fala que mina lésbica só existe pq não provou a rola dele.
E o pior, é que em todas as ocasiões que eu acabei curtindo um deles, seja por acidente ou porque honestamente eu não vou negar um twink ruivinho. Eles sempre abriram falando algo como "Mamava muito" ou "Sentava até não dar mais" ou qualquer outra variação dessas merdas.
E eu sai suave dessa, teve um mano que eu conheço que o cara stalkeou ele ATÉ NA PORRA DO LINKEDIN depois que ele deu block.
Eu fico realmente imaginando se isso funciona com alguem, porque o cara já se demonstra um animal logo de cara falando esse tipo de merda, que é assédio alias.
E isso acontece só na porra do tinder, NENHUM dos aplicativos de namoro que eu já usei acontece isso. Tipo literalmente o tinder o unico que eu curto com calma as pessoas justamente pra evitar outra bomba dessas.

Today's anniversaries are:
1998

• Blind Guardian - Nightfall in Middle-Earth ()

2009

• Animals as Leaders - Animals as Leaders (Metal)

2010

• 百景 (Hyakkei) - とおくをつなぐもの (Tōku wo tsunagu mono) (Rock)

2011

• As We Keep Searching - Zia (ambient, instrumental, post rock, post-rock, Pune)

2015

• Bell Witch - Four Phantoms (doom, epic, funeral doom, metal, death doom, Seattle)
  
• Colin Stetson & Sarah Neufeld - Never Were the Way She Was (experimental, avant-garde, instrumental, jazz, Montreal)
  
• Elderoth - Mystic (metal, periphery, the contortionist, wintersun, power, prog, Los Angeles)
  

2016

• La volta - Sublimar (Rock)
  
• Regression in Enthropia - Astrophe (deathcore, metal, progressive deathcore, aliencore, death metal, djent, mathcore, progressive death metal, technical death metal, Verbania)
  

2017

• Alter - Pendulum (alternative, ambient, heavy, post-rock, shoegaze, Baltimore)
  
• Archipiélagos & Dientes de oro - Split (alternative, buenos aires, emo, math pop, math rock, twinkly, Buenos Aires)
  
• Astrosaur - Fade In / Space Out (rock, doom, indie, indie pop, indie rock, jazz rock, prog rock, progressive, progressive rock, psychedelic, psychedelic rock, stoner, stoner rock, Bergen)
  
• A-Sun Amissa - The Gatherer (alternative, dark ambient, doom, drone, experimental, post-rock, dark jazz, Manchester)
  
• Ayreon - The Source (metal, power metal, rock, symphonic metal, progressive metal, Netherlands)
  
• Big Big Train - Grimspound: A Folklore Companion (rock, prog rock, progressive rock, United Kingdom)
  
• Blurring - Cloud Burner (metal, rochester, grindcore, Rochester)
  
• Bryan & the Aardvarks - Sounds from the Deep Field (ambient, indie, jazz, ambient, chamber jazz, cinematic, instrumental, jazz, pastoral, New York)
  
• Cem Çatık Experimentals - 13 (Rock)
  
• Chaosbay - Of Cutting Cords (alternative, djent, metal, progressive metal, rock, berlin, chaosbay, djent, mannheim, of cutting cords, progressive, vasilisa, Berlin)
  
• Colin Stetson - All This I Do for Glory (jazz, circular breathing, instrumental, saxophone, Montréal)
  
• Dai Kaht - Dai Kaht (avant rock, progressive rock, rock, zeuhl, like dÜn, like king crimson, like koenjihyakkei, like magma, like yes, like zao, Kajaani)
  
• Daisyhead - In Case You Missed It (alternative, rock, emo, punk rock, Nashville)
  
• Fin - Arrows of a Dying Age (black metal, metal, Chicago)
  
• Fox Territory - Degressive Fusion (Rock)
  
• Fraktal - Polarisation of Light (Jazz)
  
• Fumigation & the Path to R'lyeh - Invasion (death metal, metal, canada, fumigation, invasion, montreal, ottawa, "path to r'lyeh", split cd, Ottawa)
  
• Gridfailure & Megalophobe - Dendritic (dark ambient, dark hardcore, experimental, nature, world music, Valley Cottage)
  
• Hideous Divinity - Adveniens (death metal, extreme metal, hideous divinity, unique leader, Naples)
  
• Intrinsic - Rebirth (metal, ambient, atmospheric, heavy, progressive, united states, Minnesota)
  
• Ísa - Våren, om lenge (Jazz)
  
• Les Doigts de l'Homme - Le Cœur des vivants (jazz, jazz manouche, gipsy jazz, gipsy swing, swing manouche, Valence)
  
• Lonely Robot - The Big Dream (Rock)
  
• Mew - Visuals (Alternative)
  
• Mind Mold - Mind Mold (black metal, experimental, metal, avantgarde doom, death metal, doom, doom metal, industrial, noise, noise rock, nosie, sludge, Oakland)
  
• November Might Be Fine - South (rock, south, experimental rock, instrumental, post-metal, post-rock, rock, Poland)
  
• Shadow of Intent - Reclaimer (death metal, deathcore, metal, melodic, symphonic, technical, West Hartford)
  
• Sól - Upheaval (metal, ambient, post-doom, post-metal, post-rock, quiet loud, Portland)
  
• Sufjan Stevens - Carrie & Lowell Live (Alternative, Singer & Songwriter)
  
• Tangents - Motion/Emotion (alternative, metal, alternative metal, djent, modern prog, modern progress, modern rock, progressive metal, Bengaluru)
  
• Tetrafusion - Dreaming of Sleep (metal, prog, prog rock, progressive metal, progressive rock, Shreveport)
  
• The Cheeseburger Picnic - Iodine (metal, fake grind, false grind, mathcore, scenegrind, whitebelt, Ann Arbor)
  
• The Kraken Quartet - Separate, Migrate (alternative, indie, math rock, mathrock, percussion, post-rock, Austin)
  
• Xero - Sequence (metal, progressive rock, rock, alternative metal, progressive, Guildford)
  

2018

• Epos nēmō latrōcinium - Iter itineris Ⅲ (experimental, stringboard, avant-garde, improvisation, metal objects, percussion, piano, voice, Seattle) Read our review.
  
• Джрс (Džrs / Jars) - Ⅱ (punk, grunge, indie rock, noise rock, post hardcore, punk rock, город Москва)
  

2019

• Archivist - Triumvirate (black metal, metal, blackgaze, blast beat, indie, post hardcore, post metal, shoegaze, space metal)
  
• Spoelstra - West Side Story: Winner of Ten Academy Awards (experimental, electronic, musical, rock, Amsterdam) Read our review.
  
• Салмиакки (Salmiakki) - Маета (Maeta) (post-rock)
  

2020

• Buoyant - 2 (progressive metal)
  
• Christopher Luna-Mega - Aural Shores (contemporary classical)
  
• Emme Phyzema - A Series of Related Dreams (avant-prog) Read our review.
  
• Incipit - Incipit (free jazz)
  
• Nörtker's Moxie - Tricycle Ⅰ: Amor fātī (modern jazz)
  
• Nörtker's Moxie - Tricycle Ⅱ: Elysium (modern jazz)
  
• Nörtker's Moxie - Tricycle Ⅲ: Leonora (modern jazz)
  

2021

• Atum - Famine, Putrid, and Fucking Endless (progressive thrash metal)
  
• Glass Noose - The Migration (math rock)
  

2022

• Beyond the Structure - Scrutiny (technical death metal)
  
• Kalya Scintilla - Treasures (psybient)
  
• Ligfærd - Salvātor mundī (black metal)
  
• Olivier Orand - H+ (darkwave)
  
• Pershagen - Hilma (psychedelic rock)
  
• Uhrutau - Memory (progressive metal)
  
• ნიკა გენგაშვილი (Nika Gengashvili) - მრავალთა ერთობა (Mravalta ertoba) (post-rock)
  

2023

• 200 Stab Wounds - Masters of Morbidity (deathgrind)
  
• Asymmetric Universe - The Sun Would Disappear as I Imagined All the Stars (prog fusion)
  
• Aton Five - Aton Five (progressive rock)
  
• Battlepass - Future Theory (metalcore)
  
• Button Masher - Tracker Vision 2 (chiptune fusion)
  
• Dan Rosenboom - Polarity (avant-garde jazz)
  
• Dangerface - Be Damned! (hardcore)
  
• David Lord - Forest Standards, Volume 3 (modern jazz)
  
• Dead Vectors - The Gray (djent)
  
• Enfants sauvages - Arythmie (punk)
  
• Fardeaux - The Den Has Become an Abyss (progressive black metal)
  
• Fires in the Distance - Air Not Meant for Us (doom metal)
  
• Forbidden Color - Lingua del Si (Baroque music)
  
• Gregory Uhlmann - Again and Again (indie rock)
  
• Ignea - Dreams of Lands Unseen (progressive metal)
  
• Ironmaster - Weapons of Spiritual Carnage (brutal death metal)
  
• Jessie Ware - That! Feels Good! (nu disco)
  
• Karmic Juggernaut - Phantasmagloria (progressive rock)
  
• Leagus - Flora Eallin (experimental jazz)
  
• Lee Hoiby, played by Boston Modern Orchestra Project - The Italian Lesson (classical)
  
• Loam - Featherbrained (nu prog)
  
• Lunar Chamber - Shambhallic Vibrations (progressive death metal)
  
• Mark Guiliana - Mischief (jazz fusion)
  
• Mats Öberg - Visa från inneröra (folk pop)
  
• Misanthropæ - ⅯⅯⅩⅩⅢ (black metal)
  
• Mistral - In the Throes of Losing Love (post-black metal)
  
• Neska Lagun - Caos: Calma (post-hardcore)
  
• Neural Dissonance - Under a Rain of Senses (technical death metal)
  
• Odd - Where the Sun Is Shining (post-rock)
  
• One Day We Will Be the Trees - Brink (indie rock)
  
• Perséide - Les Couleurs d'été (progressive rock)
  
• Peter Orins - Dead Dead Gang (avant-garde jazz)
  
• Pierre Vervloesem & Teun Verbruggen - Chicxulub (avant-prog)
  
• Plaguebringer - Sōla prāvitās (death metal)
  
• Post Moves - Clarity Surrender (experimental folk)
  
• Rajna Swaminathan - Apertures (modern jazz)
  
• Redshift - Laws of Entropy (progressive metal)
  
• Resurrection Sickness - The Recluse (progressive metal)
  
• Spotlights - Alchemy for the Dead (doomgaze)
  
• Terranoct - Icon of Ruin (death metal)
  
• The Frozen Autumn - The Shape of Things to Come (darkwave)
  
• Thierry Maillard - Moog Project (jazz fusion)
  
• Tunic - Wrong Dream (noise rock)
  
• Twisted Illusion - Upstairs to Optimism (progressive rock)
  
• Vaster than Empires - Three Days (free improvisation)
  
• Wallowing - Earth Reaper (sludge metal)
  
• Мытищи в огне (Mytišči v ogne) - À la russe (punk rock)
  
• もしもし (Moshimoshi) - Green (post-hardcore)
  
• پرائد (Praed) - كف عفريت (Kaf afrit) (experimental folk)
  
• علي عيسى (Aly Eissa) - Gouda Bar (experimental folk)
  
• گلاب آفریدی (Gulab Afridi) - The Colours of Rubab (folk)
  
• مساء (Masaa) - بيت (Beit) (world fusion)
  
• 高瀬アキ (Takase Aki) & Alexander von Schlippenbach - Four Hands Piano Pieces (modern jazz)
  

Hear me out:
A Tumblr sexyman (or just sexyman) is defined as a type of fictional character that gains wide popularity as a sex symbol. They generally are evil or have some sort of quirk that separates them from "normal" characters. They are typically a popular subject of fan art and shipping.
You might recognise the skinny white man in a suit, such as the originator, The Once-ler or more out there, such as Sans (Undertale).
And I feel like Izaya's fangirls and status should make him one but he always gets left out. I'd say he's either one of these two classes as described in sexypedia:
Euclid
Unmistakably sexypeople, but are contained within their fandom. Known to many inside the fandom but generally not outside. Or
Neutralized
These characters, despite fitting into the archetype - be it their appearance, an absurd amount of tropes, or preferably both - have almost no sexyman following whatsoever.
And I mean think about it, let me list the tropes he fits (fanon counts too) as described in the sexpedia:
Chaoslord, Distinctive Voice/Distinctive Laugh, Dominating, Eye Imagery, Intelligence, Johnlocked, Long Coat/Cape/Robe/Etc, Magnificent Bastard, Marked Canon/Fanon Divergence, Mysterious, Pale Twink, Perpetual Smiler, Villain
He's probably the most typical sexyman (why is that coat so common) yet I never hear him acknowledged. I think part of it is that the anime came out in 2010, 2 years before The Lorax movie came out so the archetype wasn't really defined. It makes me sad that he gets left out, what are y'all thoughts?

Anonymous account because close family follow my main and they don't need to be in my business.
My (31m) husband (35m) have been together for 10 years, married for 4. He's a great partner in every way, kind, mature, fun, funny, sexy etc. When we first started dating he said he wanted an open relationship. I wasn't particularly set on monogamous or open, though I had my concerns. I'll cut to the chase, he's gorgeous, a 10, body and face and a great out-going personality. I'm a 6 maybe, 7 on a really good day. I've been called cute (by him mostly :D) and but for my age, twink slender . I'm also painfully shy and socially awkward (yes, I have had/have therapy for that). He gets hit on _all the time_, sometimes in front of me and they know he's with me. I knew going into this that open meant he'd be open, I probably not. Before him I hadn't even have any one-off hookups much less a relationship beyond a month or two. We set some rules (not in town, no fwb, safe always, honest and open).
I was fine with that and that's the way it's been. I've not had a single sexual encounter beyond our relationship (if you don't count the handful of three-ways we've had with someone he met). He's had maybe a dozen in the last ten years, always when he's been gone on a business trip. I can honestly say I've never felt any jealousy except a little the first time. We have a great sex life. 2-3x/week when we are both working, twice that when on vacations or time off, and like I said, he's a wonderful human and partner.
Last week I had a 5 day conference. He had to work night shift (medical field), so he didn't come. It's a city I've never been, so I had 2 days after to explore. The day the conference ended, I decided to go to a local gay club/bar. That lasted all of 30-40 minutes, my anxiety kicked in and I left. I was horny though and husband was working (no phone sex!). Well, short story... internet rabbit hole and an hour.. I found and hired a gay escort.
He came over and for two hours, we had drinks, made out, foreplay, amazing hot sex and cuddled. He was gentle and kind... passionate, he was very good at his job. It was, frankly, an amazing time, I loved every minute. It was a transaction, a successful one.. kind of like a one-off expensive Michelin star restaurant thing :D, but it made me feel sexy and confident and it was hot.
anyway, the day after I came home, I told husband I had a hookup and that it was a great experience. He seemed genuinely pleased for me and that was it.
but the next day he asked how I met him. I have never lied to my husband, so I told him the truth. I hired him.
He was visibly upset, maybe even angry. He first started out saying (not not yelling, very animated) that I was being unsafe, that I didn't know this guy, could have been hurt and "who knows what diseases he has after so many men". I reminded him I used condoms and we are both on prep and he doesn't know how many men the men he's hooked up with have been with either. And, I reminded him that there was that one time a hook-up robbed him.
Anyway, his only real argument is that "You don't need to pay for it." He said something along the lines of if he was attracted to me, I should know I don't need to pay for it. "It's demeaning"He demanded that we set a new rule, that we don't pay for sex. I refused. It's not that I ever plan to do that again, but that it seems a bit unfair to put a rule after the fact when I've never had an experience outside and now that I have he's adding limits.
We haven't talked for two days (though he's working nights and I work days this week). I'm starting to feel resentful and the only text I got from him seemed angry "Ask your reddit buddies why I'm upset!". This is our first real fight and it feels horrible.
Did I do wrong? Am I being obstinate? Should I just promise to never pay for sex again. Like I said, I wasn't planning to, but being told I can't makes me obstinate.I have no idea how to proceed.
I put an update here

I posted in February 2023 about my experience as a homophobic pick-me twink attending a circuit party in Queens and it’s been a year and it felt appropriate to post an update, from my Adventure last Wednesday, so buckle tf up (😭).
Background: Life updates and Confessions (not in a Catholic way) (In/Out list from December, Events Herein from Last Wednesday).
2024 in and out list (vibe shift edition) (part 1/8):

in:	out:
newt (for the second consecutive year)	exhaustive lists
lightbulb	satire
paganism	humble bragging
cotton	prophecy

G and I are going to Brighton Beach. She is a childhood friend from Los Angeles and lives in Brooklyn, and I recently got fired from my dumb gay Art-World job for having been caught taking paper towel rolls and long-expired dish soap, so I have loads of free time because of my many unused vacation days, and on account of me signing up for all the NYC benefits and entering my Welfare Queen Era. Love feigning poverty and being anorectic as much as the next spineless gen-z fuckwit, but I figured maybe I’d need the extra support. Thus I have enrolled in SNAP and also Unemployment, and have been staring down the barrel of our country's broken bureaucratic systems… (I think I’m no longer a fascist??).. Anyway!
G and I are going to Brighton Beach to catch up because the vibes have been “just so off”. I found a hot Turkish refugee ex-mafia boyfriend in August who has been living with me because he had been living out of his car before. He is lovely and has ambitions to work in trucking/construction or the US military and eventually start his own business and move to Spain with me. The issue is that we’ve engaged in some mutually dysfunctional and abusive behaviours and DV mostly against me due to his anger issues and my probable autism and codependency issues, (but I think we’ve made a breakthrough and I will no longer be engaging in my retarded autistic coping mechanisms or female coded manipulative behaviors that deny him his personal space/autonomy which ultimately triggered his mental breakdown during which he beat me up in what i’m hoping will be an isolated incident, which, risks aside, if true is Huge Win because I do not have the energy to fall in love again or for that matter opt back into to the truly torturous and self-abasing experience of Top-finding; which would ultimately be a bigger self-betrayal than staying with my man and sticking it out because after everything he really is lovely, and wonderful, and cares deeply about me and about self improvement and growth). We listen to TED talks to improve his English, and he calls me his “woman”, although albeit at times “not a good wife” and he cooks me delicious Turkish food. And the sex is really good. Have I been happy? No. Was I happier before I met him? Absolutely not. And I told him after the DV incident that I was aware of my own awful and dysfunctional abusive behaviors but DV is not okay in the US and that I could absolutely not afford to stick around if it anything like it happened again because as suicidal as I pretend to be, dying is not an option for me and also I cannot love him if I am dead. But overall life with him has been very meaningful and fulfilling for me so I’ll take what I can get because asking for happiness is like Too Much for this lifetime. My therapist is completely Looped in on all this insanity and she and I are getting through it the best we can, which I have no choice but to have faith in despite the two of us both being completely retarded feminine entities.
When I think about it, I feel like helping him learn English really may have been to orchestrate my own downfall to some extent and to hand over the tools for my own demise. Because, to communicate is to expect to be understood (and begins the process of more tangible expectation); to be understood means, to some degree and in some capacity, to be obeyed, or rather, to be open to being influenced— one enters into power relations and negotiations immediately with language. In any case, expectations cannot really exist without communication and expectations or conflicting desires are really the basis for many relational conflicts. That said, to teach a language is also a very influential process by which one passes down their biases and opinions— so maybe it all balances out?? Idk I’ve drilled into his head that “I’ve got” is simply incorrect and uneducated and that the only acceptable term is “I have”; thus “I have a headache” and never “I’ve got a headache”. I’m sure on some level I suck for this, but I simply maintain the belief that it would be irresponsible of me to be complicit to his acquisition of a form of English that ultimately is less conducive to being well-respected in our fucked and broken society. And maybe I am onto something, because he recently said completely unprompted, that he will know he is fluent in English when he is finally able to understand black people. Immediately, I told him that Yes, I agree, and actually some people classify AAVE as a totally different language (I showed him the wikipedia page). I also sent him a Soap2day link to watch Tangerine (2015). In any case, I’ve learned some Turkish to level the playing field. It’s been helpful because it adds some humor. For example, I shaved my boyfriend’s back in preparation for his laser hair removal appointment and he called me a stupid woman and shouted at me, and I told him in Turkish that he is my butterfly and that butterflies do not get to engage in misogyny (it’s so over for me and I am so balls deep in the abyss of everything I don’t know and alone on the open ocean discovering new dimensions and depths of our cucked and retarded universe LOL). Also it’s nice now because we get to have deeper conversations, and bond over TV shows like Breaking Bad (which I actually never watched until now and I think we can learn a lot about relationships from). But I digress.
​
Brighton Beach Prologue: Pilgrimage
2024 in and out list (vibe shift edition) (cont’d) (part 2/8):

in:	out:
vegetarianism	fur :(
Scandinavia	being insane
the RomCom	graveyards
being mean	bogs (and things discovered therein)
piglet	boats
letting people be who they are	being too superstitious
being quiet	slang
just knowing things	scented candles

I used to go to Brighton Beach in winter of 2020/2021, when my Girlboss Aunt would train there for her long distance open water swimming competitions (what a mouthful; cannot think of a more made-up and attention seeking sport title: sad and lame). I’d walk her dog around the markets and bakeries, and it was weird to be at the beach in the dead of winter; but I came to enjoy it. The food is so cheap and good. And the neighborhood seems so unmarred by people like me. So out of respect for the locals I try to just not take people there. Naturally, recently, and in the midst of my inner turmoil I resolve to bring my Nonbinary-Coded Bushwick Empress to my slice of paradise.
I tell my boyfriend I’m meeting a friend and am going to be busy basically the whole day, before catching the B train from the UWS on what should be a direct trip to BB but of course there is something wrong with the train (I since June have mostly cycled everywhere and had hence forgotten about the horrors of the MTA). Shocking and Gross! The whole time for the commute, I read that dumb book Untamed by Glennon Doyle, because I am out of novel ideas and there is no prize for being the Most Retarded, and I’ve sort of just accepted that even though I am deep within the endless Steppe of My Own Stupidity (which simultaneously also makes me feel so alive), any type of help is better than nothing and Glennon, though unlikely to make things better, can do little to make things worse. And listening to lots of Maustetytöt on Spotify (I discovered them, just like everyone else, in Fallen Leaves (Kuolleet lehdet, [2023]), and they are so unpretentiously and authentically black-pilled and have such a nonchalant self-loathing that uniquely speaks to me but also apparently hundreds of thousands of other people, so go figure, and I’m sorry to say, but I now have evidently reached some type of mutual understanding with the Taylor Swift Fanbase :( )
G needs to walk her fur baby and is running late, which is no big deal because I could use the alone time tbh.
​
My Arrival and Starbucks: Social Anteroom
2024 in and out list (vibe shift edition) (cont’d) (part 3/8):

in:	out:
wooden items/organic matter	cake (baked good)
vibe shift	unabetted chaos
hide & seek	mass-produced consumer goods
schizophrenia (but should be avoided if poss)	money
abbreviations	noodles (invertebrates)
pie	lanterns
loving your height even if abnormal	looping too many people in on email chains /telling too many people about life ongoings

So I’m wandering around BB by myself waiting for G to walk her furbaby and then come meet me. So I try to pass the time alone, and try to find the bodega I remember having really liked. As I later discover, I go to the wrong bodega first. I remark on how much it has changed and ask the man why it looks so different (the sheer orgueil that I assumed the world rearranged itself around me and that I wasn’t in the wrong). I ask him about it, and assume he's not worked there for that long. He’s confused (understandably). I pay for the coffee and spill it on the countertop. I thereafter walk down the wrong street towards the water, noting that everything just looks so different. It’s my college friend’s leg surgery today, following a skiing accident, (she’s a junior and hasn’t graduated yet). And I notice I missed a facetime call from our other friend still in college too. I try calling her back, and leave her a voice message, letting her know that I miss them both. I realize now I’ve misjudged the distance— it was the wrong bodega— and I walk on the Esplanade towards the parking lot.
The last time I was here, it was winter and the sun was out, and I was 19, and thought I was in love with a 37 year old Australian Travel Blogger, with freckles, and a penchant for beauty, no matter how extremely grotesquely contrived. He tbh was probably a bottom going through a Top phase. But I can never know for sure.
I decide I am cold and it’s best to wait inside the Starbucks for G. On the way back towards Starbucks, I walk down the correct street, and find the correct bodega. Starbucks is nice and warm. I order a hot chocolate and hold up the line of slavic women as I rummage through my wallet and frantically pull out all my starbucks gift cards, squirreled away from throughout the years (always waiting for this exact moment), imploring the barista to consolidate the funds onto one card and then deduct for the drink. She’s oddly enough very nice and non-belligerent, and neither are the women in the line behind me. I get my drink and charge my phone and doom scroll for a bit.
​
Arrival of G and getting down to business
2024 in and out list (vibe shift edition) (cont’d) (part 4/8):

in:	out:
secrets	hexes (witches)
rock music	lesbianism (this year unfortunately; faggotry is always out and never in)
blessings	the theater
loving one another	the cinema
raccoons	even numbers
stealing from the man	overthinking/paranoia

She calls me on the phone as she exits the station, tall, loud, and beautiful in a blue-haired-girl Bushwick way, I am sure that both she and I are deeply upsetting to the locals. On the phone with her, I let her know to come find me and then I’ll take her to the correct bodega. We hug, and I ask her how she is doing, and she says she has been unwell, and I tell her me too, things have never been worse, but I also feel so weirdly alive in a confusing way. Also that the vibes are just so bad like yes personally but also globally on a cosmic level. She agrees.
To compensate for her lateness, G buys me my second coffee at the correct bodega, which is lovely of her but also bad for me because I don’t do well on caffeine— (it makes me more unhinged and we don’t need that). We start by talking about friend break-ups, since I recently fell out with my best friend, and it’s been difficult. We talk about me losing my job, and her current job and how she’s been spending her time. And we talk about Los Angeles, and high school, and that in high school I had been fired from my part time job at the school library for reading on the job (!). We talk about our former classmates, we talk about billiards; I missed her so much. We talk about Freud and My Relationship. I talk about love like it’s something new, or something I was the first to discover, which is so silly sub-optimal equilibrium/Buridan's Ass paradox for me to do because I realize everyone feels that way, and the same ways about congruent things and so how can I conclude I’m unique in literally any fashion, and then also surely get slammed for being cliché if I give up. I’m feeling wild and bewildered but G seems to know what I mean. We decide it’s time for food.
I take her to my fave market/deli. It reminds me of the scene from Spirited Away in which the parents discover the ghost-town and gorge themselves until they become pigs. There’s so much food to load into the takeaway containers. She accidentally does it like a buffet (you’re supposed to group same foods together per container so it can be counted/weighed and paid for in an organized manner; but she had created a plate for herself). She makes a joke about being dumb and gentrification. I ask the cashier in really awful russian if he knows where we can sit and eat the food (it’s important to engage in cultural appreciation). He says starbucks.
We go back to starbucks, and G buys a drink so we can, and in good conscience, sit and eat our Borscht.
We talk more. About the world. About being Cancelled. About the falling-out I had with my best friend. The details for once (and as always) are both banal and ultimately a waste. It had been a longtime coming. That he denied me of my take on reality and preferred to instruct me to return to the pills that made me fat and mindless rather than believe my feelings to be true and to experience for a moment or two a fraction of my constant discomfort, is basically the most emotional depth one could possibly expect from a gay midwesterner, so fool me once really, the joke is on me and I’m not exceedingly mad at him, and it’s really ma propre Grande Bêtise. I really truly do hate the “Your Feelings Are Valid” discourse since I feel like it’s so empty and meaningless and essentializes people, but I nonetheless am partial to the notion that people often do know what’s best for them, and on some level to tell someone that he is crazy, at least in certain ways, is to initiate a butterfly effect that results in a self-fulfilling prophecy. I never thought I’d be here, but here I am, and stating for the record that I think ultimately people’s feelings deserve to Big and Obese and Fucking Insane and Unwell. And often people's actions deserve to be respected enough to be taken at Face Value. (On another note, lately, I have also been flirting with Pacifism).
She tells me about Tender Queers (which I initially mishear as the term ‘Tender Queens’, which is a term I tbh like more. So she can talk about Tender Queers, and I will talk about Tender Queens). Basically, she tells me about tender queens (basically blue haired girls) and lesbian culture and how, like, just because she happens to at times prefer pussy, she doesn’t really have anything else in common with the culture. Which I deeply understand because in my own way, I am so there with her (her feelings are SO valid). She says it’s dumb that we did stonewall to return to being sissies (tender queens) again. And over-inclusivity is dumb.
We talk about Israel, which has been particularly hard for me because I have family there who have been really impacted, and I have been feeling all Fucked Up. Literally all of it so Awful an it never ends. At first, I tell her that regardless of any narrative (specific or broad), I feel like ultimately these Tender Queens would rather protest a war (in favour of either side) thousands of miles away and take up any external cause to feel good about themselves, which is ultimately just about external validation, smoke signals, and virtue signalling, than confront their shopping addictions and terminal internet loneliness, and bad grooming habits, and Broken Unemployment/Social Welfare System, and mass homelessness. In this country. Right now. In front of Trader Joe’s. The man screaming at me for spare change and me screaming back that I have No Money. And how true is it that peace really starts in the home? Or in making your bed or whatever the fuck Marie Kondo stipulates?
She asks me if these masses are capable of seizing on truths and war crimes despite their stupidity. Which catches me off guard, because she has a point, and my initial argument is actually pretty hateful and all very straw-man. And it also makes me realize that so much of all these arguments in the news/on social media are equally asinine and ad hominem. Which I should know better than to also be guilty of. Because I had been made to memorize so many of these logical fallacies with Latin names in high school, because my instructor was an Elitist Lunatic. So I tell her no, and that yes I am sort of wrong and that wasn’t necessary of me. And it’s base to attack people's identities instead of their arguments but also that as I trust we can both agree, (and that many Americans are well aware of), people are not their governments and everyone deserves to live in peace and that truly, I don’t have a single family member in Israel who is pro-Netanyahu (nor do I know literally a single israeli person who is pro-Netanyahu for that matter). And not to patronise her but in terms of like game theory (which i studied in undergrad 🤪 and am therefore a Field Expert in) that like war is literally the Worst Thing Ever and war crimes are basically inevitable (is that a slippery slope fallacy? It depends since if a possible best tactic beyond just not engaging in a war is to break rules commit war crimes and win the war and seek forgiveness, then really it remains on the table imho so idrk but tbh idrk what i’m even talking about). Maybe more blue haired girls should read Steven Tadelis textbooks. And maybe the netanyahu social media hysteria machine should start having blue haired nonbinary people (and not conventionally attractive women) explain their shitty propaganda infographics, if they really want to sway these american liberals. I don't really root for anyone or anything anymore, I just feel sad.
We finally reach some common ground, and I tell G that I in general feel like society has entered into some type of like economic bubble type of thing, wherein everyone engages in mutual criticisms and is doing everything to avoid fixing his own lives from within, and we therefore get carried up up and away, and drift far from solving any of the root problems. And also, that the narrative that “silence is complicity” feels less and less true because I think people deserve privacy and have the right to live their own life and find their own peace on their own terms and to Opt Out. And also that I’ve been feeling really pacifist lately and in my own struggle with DV realised (and maybe because of my absolutely sick ego) that for me, personally, nothing is worth outright dying for or sacrificing myself for. I’m sure people will agree and disagree. But also people can do what they want. That's like, the whole Point of existing; that like you can do whatever you want with the huge caveat emptor that you will have to live with yourself thereupon and thereafter and forever more. And to all this, I don’t have any answers real or troll, (I'm sure if I did have anything mildly viable, I would be Much Less Lame and Much More Successful), but, (and you can like totes trust me on this because my family like fully was involved in/profited from British Imperialism in India), to me, it certainly feels far more colonial (and also far more convenient) to dissect and pick apart and analyze this conflict on prime time TV, from afar, and from within the comfort of "safe" countries (and under the warm blanket of our own misgivings and delusions), than address any Elephants in The Room or to deal with the discomfort of being forever condemned to Being Yourself and Fixing Your Own Problems.
And I admit to G at the Starbucks that I too am literally no better since I would also much rather give my two cents on literally every possible topic that I know nothing about and that I too would sooner write a lovely sound formal verbose treatise on World Peace or lose my mind on Twitter or provide shitty takes on Solving the Problems of Others, before figuring myself out and my own fucked and chaotic relationship. and I joke to her that I don’t think I have schizophrenia (yet) but I have a faint and funny feeling that everything is sort of connected. But that’s just what I think and I haven’t thought anything through and could totally be wrong, 'if that makes any sense haha'.
And I had had a very metonymic conversation a few days prior on instagram with a skinny blonde Columbia Twink from middle america who could not find an ounce of credence in my ideas after I outed myself as vaguely colonial and sympathetic to mid-level investment bankers “whom I trust we can agree are also victims of a broken capitalistic system” (literally, put me out of my misery), and proceeded to tell me the Truth of My Reality. But, to me, and neither discounting the value of good advice, nor through some gay “you need to love yourself first and as a prerequisite for you to be able to love others” logically fallacious lens, it felt so off to be told how to live my life by an au fond Tender Queen who has yet to plop himself down and figure how to live his.
​
Leaving Starbucks and Entering the Real World.
2024 in and out list (vibe shift edition) (cont’d) (part 5/8):

in:	out:
euro-vibe	being extravagant
taking matters into one’s own hands	talking loudly on the telephone
bracing oneself	rapture
self-preservation	enjoying oneself too much
synchronization	spirits (beverage)
un-censored speech	spirits (ghosts)
wine	iron ware

In a (massive and truly unforeseen) Plot Twist, G buys a totally hot new outfit from a clothing store run by Israelis (they are running a tight ship, but it's ultimately just the Titanic), and I take her to my fave Bakery which due to another Plot Twist has moved from its original location and had totally and utterly had its internal layout rearranged which I comment on to a worker who says he's new but that he does know what I'm talking about, but doesn't know about how it was before (give me a fucking break).
Her mom or someone calls her and she stands outside and speaks in Spanish (G is half Mexican). It seems really sweet. Not to Make this About Me Again (ugh! hate that) but the last time I spoke to my mother, I asked her some billing questions about health insurance because I, still under her policy, was interested in couples therapy due to potential domestic violence concerns and she brushed off my questions and concerns and instructed me to direct these to my current therapist. Which like sucks. But also I don’t know what I was expecting. ANyway. It’s sweet to listen to G wander around on the phone as I inspect the pastries, and it feels nice, and I feel nice, and I feel unwell, still,; but I feel much better than before. We take photos because the lighting is great. I look mentally ill but also thriving and back in my own skin. And I do somewhat endorse the theory that looking hot and being mentally unwell are very strongly correlated. She invites me to a comedy night in Dimes Square, and I tell her I want a Cerveza but that I am down and we get on the train to Manhattan, and I entertain her by speaking spanish with a french accent.
​
Tap Water Water Bottle Hate Crime + Dimes Square
2024 in and out list (vibe shift edition) (cont’d) (part 6/8):

in:	out:
truth	tree branches
haemophilia (Alexei Nikolaevich, Tsarevich of Russia)	the unicycle
utensils (silverware)	condemning things
necklaces	loose pants
storms	Y2K trends (comprehensive)

The standup comedy thing costs 5$ and is hosted somewhere off the B train on the LES, and G explains that Dimes Square is just a bunch of shit posters who run meme accounts. We head inside a shop run by an old white guy in a chinese straw hat (say it with me Cultural APpreciation). I pay and ask him for some tap water, and he says no because the sink is loud and the show had already begun, which at the time seems fair.
It’s a small room and a varied crowd. Surprisingly, everyone there looks relatively normal. G leaves me for the bathroom, having told me she will be taking her sweet time. So I’m basically alone and trying to gauge the vibe which is tough due to a particularly severe bout of autistic brain fog. The rotation of performers is decent, and some of them make me laugh. The humor is pretty compatible with mine, which I totally wasn’t expecting from people my own age downtown (I thought everyone there was like a crazy leftist with multiple genders and kleptomania). My best friend had been pushing thirty and most of the other people I’m friends with are also around that age.
Sometime through the show, G returns, and I meet her friend L. The last act of the show is a bit featuring a children’s book re normalizing abusive relationships which is a tad Too Real for me (full disclosure things for me have been improving a lot and have been for a few weeks, ever since I have been being more respectful of my boyf’s boundaries). It makes me sad, and confused, because I worry about judgment about my own relationship and life choices. But also, re judgement, I have long understood that the court of public opinion matters little when the majority of the hoi polloi are so cucked and thoughtless that ultimately to win in most ways is to be crowned court jester.
The show ends and I ask for a glass of tap water but am denied again on the probable grounds of me being annoying, so head to the bathroom and refill my water bottle there thereby confirming this to myself and the world. But also it's so shitty to be denied tap water from a show I paid to attend (albeit 5$). UGh Like the culture is so broken because of BabyBoomer or Brexit or Feminism or whatever garbage is now trending and that I’m surely meant to believe.
I chat outside with some of the other attendees, they seem young and funny and vivacious and chill and laugh at a few of my comments, and it’s a very easy interaction. It’s easy to like these people, it feels so real. It’s so not what I expected. I’ll have to go again and see if it is true, or just a fluke since only time will tell.
​
Brooklyn Lesbians
2024 in and out list (vibe shift edition) (cont’d) (part 7/8):

in:	out:
knowing everything about the universe	pretending to be tall
jam	cowboy related appropriation 🤠
sphinx	flakiness
following the rules	rumours (excluding the Adele album)

G and L and I go to a bodega for me to buy a Cerveza en route to a lesbian bar in Brooklyn, since L is meeting friends there, and G invited me. L writes plays, and is also from LA and seems sweet and like a nice person. Because I never go out these days, and because the extra weight couldn’t fall off me fast enough ever since I stopped the meds about a year ago, one or two IPAs will totally get me all fun and drunk and out of my literally insane noggin.
We chat on the train about Esther Perel, and I do more of my speaking Spanish in French accent (I speak French), and again at the bar, and I explain that if I read an Italian wikipedia page in a French accent, it basically just sounds like total gibberish and just like French (in the office, back when I had a job, the woman behind me would speak Italian in the thickest French accent possible and the first time it happened, I didn't understand why I couldn't understand and thought I was having a stroke). So I demonstrate this for the Lesbians (the autism is autisming). The Lesbians at the bar are very fascinated and intrigued (their autism is also autisming), and I have another IPA, and talk about air hockey with a blonde woman, and astrology with someone else, and let my mind drift to the Cubbyhole debacle with the straight guy who was asked to leave. G is having a weird time and I am too, since my boyfriend’s upset that I’ve stayed out so late (I had mentioned in passing I’d probably be home before 10, but in my mind, it hadn’t been a promise), and it’s now 1AM on Thursday Morning. I tell G I love her and we part ways and it’s time for me to return home.
​
Two Completely Idiotic Assyrians
2024 in and out list (vibe shift edition) (cont’d) (part 8/8):

in:	out:
resigning oneself to fate	carelessness
logic	counting things (numbers/numerals)
giving in to the uncertainty and trusting the universe (living in a building with a fallout shelter in the basement)	symmetry

The train ride home is particularly difficult and it takes an hour. In the past, my boyfriend has jumped to extreme conclusions and is angered by little things that I often interpret to be surface level symptoms of more complex ongoings; I’ve learned (the hard way!) that the best course in action is to not intervene directly but just to tell him that I’m here if he needs anything and to give him his time and his space. I think his love language is, like, me doing things with him or for him that he himself is perfectly capable of doing— e.g. I know the storm is over when he asks for me to turn the kettle on for tea (or acquiesces to my request to make him some tea), or asks me to watch an episode of Breaking Bad with him, or when he asks a vocabulary question or asks me to help navigate American Bureaucracy not because he is incapable of doing these things himself, but probably just for him to feel supported.
On the train, and since arriving at the Lesbian bar, I am increasingly concerned he has done something impulsive like shave his head, or stage another runaway to Louisiana. In the end, it’s the best scenario possible, and these anxieties are my own hysteria. He is reclining on the sofa studying English. I say hello, and he doesn’t answer, and then I ask him if he’s okay, and he says yes and that he’s studying English. I ask him if he wants tea and he shakes his head. I check my emails and reddit and twitter and bide my time, and tell him that I’ve brought some Uzbek/Russian food back. In the fridge. This eases him out of his anger, and me out of my dread, and we enjoy the lamb-stuffed pastries and potatoes.
I ask him if they have similar food in Turkey too, and he says “yes” and we talk about Syria and Jordan and how he thinks Syrians (Suu-ri-yons) are stupid. Which I understand. Because I did a 23-and-me in 2022 and am basically just Levantine and Dutch (so I am zealous and emotional but also literally so autistic with a gut capable of processing expired milk and advil like skittles, and any and all antibiotics medications on an empty stomach). The results all make sense because the Colonial side of my family had in the 1800s ended up in India via Baghdad. Really lucked out also because I am not a Hairy Assyrian (neither is my boyf b/c of the aforementioned laser hair removal) Whew!. But anyway, on an atomic level I do understand his thoughts on the current-day Syrians. I used to joke about this with my best friend about how it’s funny that I au bout du compte found a boyfriend with whom to be a retarded, hot blooded, and overly emotional Assyrian, instead of these Australians and other Anglos I had been pursuing theretofore (Love Anglos, Dislike Americans) (I love alcohol)(I also love hookah but I don’t really want to perpetuate harmful assyrian stereotypes! not today satan [shaitan]!).
It’s time for bed. My Big Faggy Tabby cries for food because it’s winter and that makes his metabolic rate higher, or whatever, and I tell him I know (I literally don’t; I like being Nice and Thin with a huge ass and wouldn’t be caught dead doing that) and give him a tablespoon extra (the vet has told me to keep it around a half-cup daily)(I unlike others will not be engaging in animal abuse for the sake of having a ‘fat cat’ which I understand inhabits a weird and horrible cultural niche). I pet him and he snuggles into my lap for a bit. The girl in my building with all of the ambition but none of the discipline to be on SNL is in the garden talking loudly on the telephone about how Israeli Nationality Law is by design imperalist/colonist because even though she technically isn’t ‘jewish’ according to religious law, because her dad is jewish (not mom) nationality law of the ‘Zionist Entity’ nonetheless affords her the right to become a ‘citizen’ and move there (since all you need is one jewish grandparent) which in her opinion is Fucked Up and Imperialist (imo their nationality law operates in this capacity in a relatively egalitarian manner, and like those of other countries, and just maybe, perhaps, as a reaction to the the Nuremberg racial laws of 1935, and there are better arguments to be made, and if you want to talk about truly Wild and Unhinged Nationality Law then let’s talk about what they have going on in the U.K.). But there’s literally no point. To me, she is the object of my unaffected scorn and I almost feel morally obligated to point out all the better arguments she could be making. For to me, her reasonings fail to take into account certain important data points, and I’m sure that to many, mine also fail in the same manner. And in a tale as old as time, we all made up our minds Long Ago (I mean like, so long ago, like, millennia , or maybe even aeons, ago, and in what feels like a truly transgenerational epigenetic manner; like cosmically), and this, and everything else happening, is all just the Sorting Out (denouement).
My boyfriend finishes his tea (he ended up taking me up on my offer to make one). I show him a photo of two sugar gliders embracing each other and staring at the camera and tell him it reminds me of us. He nods slowly and swats playfully at me like a menace. I smile at him. We are in the bed, and I stare out towards the window. I squeeze his hand; he is already snoring. Wrapped up like the sugar gliders. I wonder what will happen, where we will go, or if we will stay in NYC when my lease is up in July (my apartment is literally horrible so not renewing & defo moving elsewhere). Each day I wake up, it feels like I am Hurtling Towards the Future faster than the day before. I know that all things must end, but also I know that I love him, and I hope it doesn’t end for a very long time.
And in this Big Fat Retarded World of ours, and on my stupid metaphorical Open Ocean, I don’t know where I am going, or what will happen, or how long it will take. But I do know that one day I will get wherever it is that I’m meant to be, and that there are still so many new and exciting things I have yet to discover (and so many new and progressively more retarded levels of Our Collective Stupidity to unlock). And that really, there is no pot of gold waiting at the end of the rainbow, and there is no hell beyond being damned to live with oneself, and that when I look back I have always most regretted following the advice of others instead of my own, and following in Les Mœurs and other Decisions created Ages Ago, instead of deciding anything novel for myself.
Some people say retrospect is 20/20 but I just don’t believe them.

Ch eck .... Com ments For L ink
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A lot's been made about how much depth Three Houses's cast has. I know about it, you know about it, the guy watching you through your bedroom window knows about it. Practically every student and faculty member in this cast could have essays to their own (and, let's be real, already have one probably).
You guys see the title, you know where this is going. In the past, I went into this overlong ramble about how the three nobles of the Blue Lions represent similar, but different forms of traditional manliness & how it's a byproduct of the world they live in (as well as how it fucks them over). However, because it was eight years long, I couldn't go that much into where Ashe/Dedue fit into this. You don't need to read that other post of mine (that thing was way too long to just throw at someone), it just provides a bit more context for the first half or so of this.
Since I'm snowblind-levels of white, I don't really think I have the perspective or knowledge to dive deep enough for a Dedue analysis. At least beyond the basic stuff like, "what were the writers smoking when making his paralogues?"
Ashe, on other hand, I have a lot to pull from. Which most probably wouldn't assume because he doesn't really seem all that deep at first? Much love as that boy has gotten, a lot of people have (understandably) claimed that he's kinda there because he only exists to be a really sweet boy who loves knights and his very dead parents. And in fact, a lot of his supports help reinforce that belief, with him often just being the nicest damn boy this side of Fodlan's Locket.
But if there's one thing Houses (and to a lesser extent, Hopes) is good at, it's taking a lot of seemingly simple characters and then fleshing them out or twisting them in so many ways that they come out far more 3-dimensional for it. And Ashe is no exception. Especially in how he contrasts with the other boys from his own House. Just for transparency's sake, I'm not sure how much of this is just from his initial characterization or it's something the writers latched onto after Ashe went from the Golden Deer to the Blue Lions mid-development. Either way, as a character, he is an excellent foil to the Blue Lion boys. And I want to shine a spotlight on that, because there really is a lot about him just beneath the surface and I think it should be explored a bit.
Once I've finished with that, I also want to just talk about his more subtle, but very potent development across each route. Because while Ashe's development is understated, there's still a lot to talk about here & I want to just show that there's a lot more thought put into him than he might seem at first blush.
So, if you'll indulge me, let's talk about this breedable twink from the anime game about friendship & war crimes!

Not Like Other Guys™

Alright, let's get one of the simplest aspects out of the way, Ashe isn't traditionally manly, in stark contrast to the BL nobles (and just Faerghus's nobility in general). He doesn't have Dimitri & Felix's immense strength & combat prowess—in fact, he even points this out when asking to focus on archery or to ride a wyvern (and here's my submission that Wyvern Lord Ashe is canon. No, I will not accept any criticism). He loves sweets while Felix is mostly a meat-eater who despises them, he doesn't (pretend he wants to) try to hiya the papaya of every woman in Fodlan like Sylvain does, & his voice is notably high-pitched & soft in both English & Japanese—contrasting the deeper voices of his classmates. Dub Felix is a bit of an exception, with Lucien Dodge's higher-pitched voice, but the rasp does enough here, imo.
Even in terms of appearance, he directly contrasts the other guys. Dimitri, Sylvain, & especially Dedue are built like brick shithouses, while Felix has a small-but-sturdy build going on for him. But Ashe is nothing but skin and bones—something he even points out. There's also his face, which is incredibly soft-looking and has very wide eyes—even his pale skin tone, combined with his hair color, help give him this much kinder, boyish aura (just notice how different Ashe feels when you swap his color palette with someone like Yuri). There's also the freckles, which adds to him being more "cute" & less "pretty/hot" like the other dudes.
Speaking of the freckles, there's also a bit of a pet theory I have about them. See, while freckles are sort of seen as cute in certain countries, that isn't always the case everywhere and during every time period. In fact, for many years, they were seen as imperfections—an attitude we can even still see today in something as humongous as Pokémon. No, I'm not fucking with you. Ken Sugimori famously gave Oshawott freckles because he thought the "imperfection" would help him stand out more.
Some religious leaders even called them a spiritual or religious stain (ex. Pliny the Elder claims that the gods neither obey nor are seen by people with freckles). It probably sounds buckwild to some of you (sure did to my freckly ass), but no, it is very real. Bizarrely. From both sides of the globe, for the record—having clear skin wasn't seen as just a virtue in places like East-Asia, it's a beauty standard in other places and even on semi-modern dating sites!
And when you compare that to the embodiments of traditional white beauty in the blonder-haired, blue-eyed, tower of muscle that is Dimitri, the more Eastern-centered beauty of Felix's slimmer, prettier, dark-haired, sharp-featured, & deep-voiced (in Japanese) traits, or Sylvain, who is himself complimented for his appearance, it makes Ashe's more boyish, freckly, & generally modest features stand out all the more. Even Dedue has the tall, dark, & handsome thing going one—with a few scars for good measure in Houses Part 2.
He's more designed to be "cute" than flat-out sexy. He even points that out in Heroes—saying he'd prefer if he was dashing & not simply cute. And that's fine#On_the_character_status_screen_2). In fact, it's kind of cool for him (and also Dedue when he's doing his own thing) to have a very wholesome form of masculinity that doesn't need these signifiers that the other BL boys have. And it's not as though the other guys' good qualities are downplayed. I seriously doubt Felix, Sylvain, & Dimitri would have their huge fanbases if they were. It's just that Ashe is literally Built Different™ from them.
Though while we're talking about masculinity, let's talk about another "quality" associated with it: aggression & violence. Unlike the noblemen, Ashe is the furthest thing from aggressive—only really becoming truly angry if you hurt someone he cares about or are named Yuri Leclerc. And the times he does get angry stand out because of it—you really have to try to piss him off. Something that is especially emphasized by his furious character portraits.
Masculinity and aggression are basically the chocolate-and-peanut butter of patriarchy & definitely within Faerghus. The training to fight before you read, the rampage in Duscur, the fact that it's the country with the most Hero's Relics (the famously powerful weapons) to throw around, etc. And I've already gone into far too much detail about how that pertains to the BL noblemen in the past, so I'll spare you that ramble.
Though it should go without saying that men aren't naturally hyper-aggressive or ultra-violent—it's something that's basically enforced into them by the societies they lived in. Of course, due to most societies in the world being patriarchies, men are raised to like those things and are trained to believe that you must perform those traits in order to be seen as a good man. Boys aren't pumped out of the womb with two 30-pound dumbbells & a Blu-Ray copy of 300, after all (or at least I wasn't). You have to instill that in them.
So when you take someone out of that environment, chances are they're gonna have a different vibe about them. Ashe was never raised in that world, so that was never enforced onto him. He was too busy working jobs before he hit the double-digits so he could feed himself and his siblings, who were out on the street. And Lonato didn't really impart the more hyper-masculine elements of Faerghus, only the knightly stuff, as far as we can tell (though I couldn't really hazard a guess as to why).
Contrast this with the three noble lords being raised in households of power. Households that also happily yeet them on the battlefield and expect them to command armies, & the diverging point becomes increasingly clear.
In fact, Ashe is so opposed to violence that he is literally the only cast member that has violence as a listed dislike (hilariously, "injustice" isn't on there, unlike with Caspar and Yuri. So much for Mr. "In the Name of Justice!"). This means that also excludes: all three lords, Dorothea, Linhardt, Hapi, Mercedes, Ignatz, fucking Marianne, etc. And this game isn't ashamed to double up on dislikes—the aforementioned Dorothea & Marianne share "herself' as a dislike & I already mentioned the injustice thing.
And if this wasn't just a weird mistake (which I'm not counting out. Sometimes that happens), then imo, this was an intentional choice so that Ashe is made to stand out all that much more from the other guys. When even Linhardt dislikes violence less than you, you've gotta be extra squeaky-clean here.
He's just not built for aggression and violent anger. He doesn't like feeling those things and doesn't want to enact it on other people. Instead, he'd rather spend his time just being super nice and gentle. Instead of killing, Ashe is usually getting sentimental about fairy tales, baking, gardening, and pissing himself over ghosts. He's considerate and would rather ask for advice than just stride in confidently and make decisions for people, hence his submission to authority in all routes where you fight him. He isn't dominant, he's a bottom. Ashe Ubert is about as opposite of Faerghus's norms as you can get.
Even when he has something in common with the other boys, he still manages to take those commonalities in a far different direction.
Take Felix, for example. In a lot of ways, their pasts involving the Tragedy of Duscur are very similar. Both of them had brothers who were incredible knights, knights who then were killed around the same time because of their institutions and TWSITD's conspiracies, & both end up with seriously complicated relationships with their fathers as a result of that.
The key difference, however, is what they became as a result of those events. And it all goes back to how their old men reacted to their sons' deaths. Rodrigue, in trying to cope & rationalize Glenn's heinous death, glorifies it & nearly destroys his relationship with Felix altogether. Lonato, on the other hand, openly grieved for Christophe and bottles his anger up until he leads his suicidal charge against the church—meaning that his & Ashe's relationship never deteriorated until the very end of it. Part of this is also in how they died—Glenn was seen as someone who died bravely for his king (even if the reality is a lot more complex) & Christophe was executed by the state & branded a traitor for conspiring in the Tragedy (when he primarily wanted to get to Rhea—which is another can of worms, admittedly).
Felix himself also used to be a lot meeker, emotional, & in Sylvain's own words, "cuter" back when he was a kid, always looking up to his brother and seemingly the romantic ideal of chivalry, not unlike Ashe. But he cast all that aside when he saw that romanticization of chivalry for how toxic it was and with it, also threw away his innocence and softer traits (or at least, he tried to throw them away. A lot of them are still buried deep in there). But Ashe never did that, because Lonato never tried to rationalize Christophe's death as anything other than tragic. Their dads' reactions provide a perfect dividing line between the joyful optimist and bitter cynic—like two alternate futures of one template.
In a lot of ways, Ashe and Felix are perfect mirrors for one another. They both took what they liked from their cultures, but basically ending up in a 50/50 split. Ashe took in the romanticism, the obedient nature, and open value of friendship, while Felix took in all the hypermasculinity, pursuit of strength and weapons, stubbornness, & much as he hates it, the obsession with death. It's a really cool dynamic & one of the reasons I'm so fond of this duo in particular. Ashe is also much more sociable and speaks his mind clearly, while Felix is distinctly antisocial & while he definitely speaks his mind a lot, he does it in ways that are very hard for people to wrap their heads around. Ashe excels as a people person, but is a rather mediocre combatant, while Felix is often overly confrontational, but a master swordsman who is literally on par with the power of god & anime.
But he doesn't just mirror Felix, as he also contrasts quite nicely with Dimitri. Like Dimitri, Ashe doesn't like violence and would rather not commit it if he can help it. However, their reactions to violence are wholly different because of not only their culture, but their positions. Dimitri, much as he doesn't like institutional violence (as shown in Azure Gleam), he still can't find it in his heart to forgive those who'd risk others' lives just to tear that institution down, even though that institution is also hurting and killing people (I'm strictly talking about the war itself, mind you. Not his specific opposition to enforcing Edelgard's radical reforms on Faerghus—which is a different conversation).
Ashe didn't have the privilege, at least not initially, to think that. He still hates violence, but he's also a former criminal and was subjected to the violence of the systems binding him down—that being going hungry and, considering Dorothea's own past, likely without a home prior to Lonato. Because of this, Ashe had to work & steal just to feed himself and his siblings before he even turned 10.
He's a lot more receptive to criminals (in Houses, anyway) because he gets where they're at and his sensitive side. He's been exposed to how messed-up the world can be and he keeps pushing because of the inherent kindness of what Lonato did for him. Which makes him durable enough to take on the tragedy he faces later on in the game—hence his last name in the original Japanese version, Duran, which means "to endure". Or at least that's what I gleaned from it—I could absolutely be full of shit here and the rest of this. This also allows him to advocate for people on the wrong side of the law, because he gets it & can think of reasons why someone would do this (which you kind of need to do to effectively address crime, but I digress).
Dimitri, by contrast, has an incredibly hard time rationalizing his sensitive nature with the brutality of the world he lives in—which all comes crashing down in chapter 11 of White Clouds, where he breaks completely. He was raised with a much more black-and-white view of the world—being a deconstruction of the traditional FE lord and all—and because Fodlan is decidedly not that outside of Thales & the rest of modern TWSITD, as well as the fact that his darker traits are bubbling under the surface thanks to Remire, he… well, you know. So he takes a much more violent approach to people that commit wrongdoings—and this isn't even getting into the whole Galatea rebellion incident.
This is also kind of funny when you consider that Dimitri talks about pillaging & looting at several points as just normal facets of war. He specifies in the final chapter of AM that his army shouldn't engage in needless pillaging or killing—which implies that they were doing a shit ton of looting beforehand. He even notes that it's a downside that Felix's war crime suggestion in Hopes won't let the army loot their enemies' reserves.
This isn't meant to be an explicit condemnation of Dimitri, btw (in SB chapters 6-7, Claude gambles on the Imperial Army starving to the point of surrender, even. This isn't exclusive to Faerghus), it's more an example of how their views on violence are not as clear-cut as either would believe & what contexts they think certain crimes are okay. After all, if you need food to survive, someone taking it away or withholding it is basically killing through starvation by proxy.
Now for one final comparison/contrast for Ashe. Specifically that both he and Dimitri have inherited different views on death, based on their upbringings in Faerghus. Ashe can and does handle his grief over his dad's death in a healthier and quicker way than Dimitri's able to, because he wasn't raised to be as obsessed with death as the Faerghus nobles. Ashe also generally goes down many different routes (heh) because of it, while Dimitri kind of has just the one path—revenge—unless he gets over that in Azure Moon.
This isn't to say that the specter of death doesn't loom over Ashe's head—Lonato is in the back of his mind a lot & Ashe even brings him up well into Part 2. But it wasn't drilled into his head that many of the dead are in some bitter limbo thanks to the regrets they've had while they were alive. Not only that, but his traumatic event also didn't come as out of nowhere as Dimitri—who not only saw his dad culled like a wild animal in front of him, but was also made to hear his last words imparting vengeance on Dimitri. Ashe could only see Lonato's vengeful side as a combatant, leading to his death. While Ashe certainly had burdens Dimitri didn't have, he also wasn't burdened with the expectations that Dimitri had thrust on him—all at once, I might add. So he can process & eventually unpack his pain in ways that Dimitri only can with either a support network (Hopes) or through crawling out from rock bottom (Azure Moon).
Of course, he also doesn't supposedly have ghosts swarming around him, telling him to do bloody murder, though that also presupposes that these are ghosts communicating with Dimitri and not delusions (imo, there's ample evidence for both & I think I can roll with one or the other). But the point stands, Ashe and Dimitri are in a lot of ways alike, tender souls that got caught up in the cruelty of the world they live in and are greatly harmed by it. But it's their upbringings that highlight why they react so differently from one another.
Dimitri is saddled with expectations both as a leader and an avenger—someone who has to make drastic decisions & also kill in the name of people that have long since died. Ashe is mostly expected just to protect the house his adopted father built & the siblings he watched over since childhood, who gets blindsided by yet another death in his school years, but still keeps trucking past it.
Each of them have their own journeys based on their dead dads & those deaths stick with them forever, but how well or badly the other processes it has a lot to do with how their dads died—even if they are strikingly similar, being dads who died in front of their sons thanks to the machinations of their own country's political nonsense. And both also have vastly different expectations as the future patriarch of Faerghus as a whole, versus just another cog in the royal machine.
I really like these parallels, showing that people can innately be similar on a lot of levels, but their circumstances dramatically change how a given person can end up. Ashe has a lot in common with both Felix & Dimitri, but his different start in life gives him a different perspective & reaction to the world around him. One that isn't any more or less valuable than the others', I believe.
Now, it's all well & good that Ashe is different from the other boys, but you can't just define something by what it's not. And while there is depth in the ways that Ashe isn't like the BL boys, what about him makes him special?

Weirdo Redditor Gushes About Fictional Twink for Like 10 Extra Minutes

So this is the part where I just go into a disconnected series of rambles for a bit about how cool Fodlan's ultimate bottom is.
Let's start with how Ashe handles one of the most prominent factors in knighthood & law enforcement in general: racism. You guys are all aware of the deep racism in both Faerghus & Fodlan writ large, so I won't belabor that point too much. But Ashe is notable in how extremely anti-racist he is, even in a game where most of the cast is bafflingly progressive toward people of color, given the setting.
Being a naturally curious guy, he loves learning about other cultures. One of his favorite gifts, the ancient coin, is even specifically a coin from another region, just to enforce this. He notably asks to become a wyvern rider—the only fully-white, non-Nabatean unit to do so (Hilda requests axes & flying as well, but she notes that she'd like to be on an animal with cute wings, which... well, it's probably not a dragon she's referring too)—and outside of Ladislava/Dominic, wyverns are primarily associated with Almyra. And he supports with about as many people from outside of Fodlan as Claude (as well as Hapi in Houses, who is a Fodlan native, but is notably darker skinned than Petra).
It's to the point that Ashe's character isn't just defined by not being racist (which… I mean, that itself is a pretty loaded term & I won't get into that rn), but explicitly being anti-racist & anti-discrimination. Even when it puts him in conflict with his culture & the position he wants the most. His Hapi support has him chewing out another knight for treating Hapi like crap/with suspicion over a factor she can't control, for instance. There's also his A-support with Cyril, where he decides to share the blame of a fuck-up, just so Cyril doesn't shoulder that burden alone.
Interestingly, his Cyril support actually gives some perspective for why Ashe doesn't buy into Fodlan's racism—because he can relate Cyril's experience as an outsider to his own former poverty. Now, Cyril rightfully points out that their struggles are still not the same, but it shows a great level of empathy & maturity on Ashe's part to realize that their statuses have friction with where they live and basically finds solidarity in that—which is a really cool way of showing how people of different backgrounds can form solidarity despite their struggles still not quite being the same thing.
And then there's Ashe's ending with Dedue, which is maybe the best highlight of not only Ashe's anti-racism, but his virtues as a character, as well. Despite wanting to be a knight for most of his life, he can't stomach the severe racism still within the knights after the war (realistically showing that combating bigotry—especially with slow reform—is a long, uphill battle). And he quits. He just says "fuck the police" and decides that he'd rather spend his time as a chef that tries to bridge the gap between cultures with Dedue's help. It's a shockingly strong moment addressing racism in a game that thinks that the best way to protect the people of color protesting their racist treatment from the knights involves beating their shit in. You know, for their safety.
Houses in general is extremely weird about how so many cast members are inexplicably not racist/xenophobic, in spite of Fodlan having it baked into its doctrines, noting that Fodlan is a uniquely special place to the goddess (implying that the places outside of Sothis's light aren't as deserving) and that a dark force came from north of the continent in the form of Sreng/Nemesis. But between the love of learning, his ability to relate his own struggles with others, and just in general being a good guy, Ashe has plenty of explanations for being so gosh darn nice to people of other backgrounds & cultures. It feels really weird to say "I'm glad you explained why this character isn't a raging racist," but like, this game points out how racist Fodlan can be & then barely does anything with it. So I want to commend that at least something was done with it in regard to Ashe (hilariously, this depth was given to the literal whitest guy in the setting).
It's stuff like this that makes me not agree with the notion that Ashe is extremely flat. Yes, he's got a lot of stereotypical "good boi" traits. Yes, a lot of his scenes really do boil down to him being the nicest guy in the cast. But what makes him great is that he has both implicit & explicit reasons for being like this. He's not just nice because that's the kind of archetype he pulled out of a hat, but because he was saved by kindness, he had to prioritize busting his ass for him and his siblings at a young age, he's naturally curious, & he has a great ability to empathize with others because of what he's been put through.
And it's not as though they just make him a good guy & leave it at that, because if there's one thing Houses (and to a lesser extent, Hopes) loves to do, it's putting old archetypes through their paces. In Ashe's case, he surprisingly has his own kindness & morality tested a lot in this game and even manages to fail at one point.
Obviously, one of the biggest examples of this is his paralogue and supports with Catherine. Having his brother caught up in a conspiracy that killed his dad, naturally, pisses him off a bit. His paralogue shows maybe the one time where he gets debatably murderous & there's a reason this is often brought up as legitimately surprising and scary to see this. Sadly, because this fight is optional, we don't see any reflection on this later, but thankfully his supports with Catherine pick up that slack.
We see him struggling with his conflicting feelings about Catherine even towards the end, not sure whether his kind side can balance out the hatred he feels. Catherine even encourages him to punch her in the face over and over again, something that he clearly is not happy about, but also does anyway (possibly due to the inherent pressure/power dynamics, but Houses & power dynamics is a whole separate rabbit hole that I'm not equipped to talk about). It's kind of disturbing & it's great, I love seeing his own morals get tested here & even in the end, he's not fully decided on how he feels. He gets pressured into doing something he clearly doesn't want to do and it clearly doesn't make him feel any more at peace than before—something we'll get to later. Let's just ignore the real icky endings he has with her because that's a can of worms I don't wanna touch with a ten-foot pole.
And this isn't the only time his morals are either tested or complicated. Let's talk about his roles in Crimson Flower for a sec. When he first joins Edelgard's side, he's clearly not feeling great, but he explicitly says he's doing this of his own volition and for a reason that isn't just "I don't like this, but I'll do if for you, Professor." That being that he can't trust the church after everything. He's sticking to his guns that he can't stand deception—one of his other listed dislikes, as it happens. This is a decision he made based off his own morals and it's one he sticks to because he wants to, nobody else.
Funnily enough, this is the one time in CF where he talks about feeling bad for defecting. Every other incident involves being happy Byleth is there, feeling bad for the rough conditions the commoners are facing, or going, "oh fuck, we have to fight some really strong guys." The man is locked in by this point and considering the other version of him fighting for the Black Eagles, it's kind of hilarious. Every other Lion is just miserable for fighting their friends & meanwhile this guy is just like, "please god, just let me live." Mercedes is a slight exception & even she gives pause for fighting old friends at several points.
This might be in part because he doesn't have the baggage they all do. Outside of Yuri, Ashe didn't know any other student in Garreg Mach before he enrolled. So he isn't constantly having to think about how he's fighting his childhood friends or his own family, the way that everyone else from the Lions do. This disconnection ironically means he isn't saddled with the baggage that everyone else is forced to carry. He isn't Dimitri's childhood best friend, nor is he fighting his old man (during the war... in Houses, anyway). This lets him still worry about the state of things, but his dread is more based on the commoners or the types of obstacles he's facing, rather than constantly wallowing like the others or his Scarlet Blaze/Golden Wildfire counterparts.
Contrast this with his really good, really heartbreaking bit of dialogue in Silver Snow exclusively where he's not doing so hot after killing Edelgard, not sure if what he did was even right. Keep in mind that this comes after the revelation that Nemesis's entire backstory was either exaggerated or outright fabricated to some degree & it, at least to me, gives the implication that fighting to kill, only to realize that he helped a system that is founded partly on lies, really got to him (especially after fighting for Adrestia for several years already, excited about the cause or not). Much like his fight with the Western Church guy, this doesn't really get followed up on because of Byleth's magical protag charisma, but it's a very nice contrast that highlights his own morality conflicting with the actions he was made to make. He doesn't have this moment in Verdant Wind, instead mulling over the real history of Nemesis (curiously, he doesn't react with as much anger here, despite knowing for a fact now that the church lied about its own mythology—the thing that started this current political shitshow in the first place).
And it isn't even the biggest source of whiplash from his CF self. Take his CF self—er, the other one. While Fhirdiad is set on fire and innocents are definitely getting caught up in it, Ashe isn't going out of his way to protect them, but explicitly he's fighting the Black Eagles & yelling at them for still trying to take everything… even though the city is on fire because of his own side & the war had already been lost at this point. It would be different if, say, his city was being blasted into oblivion by the other side, but this was a strategy from the top brass for the Kingdom/Church's alliance. Granted, he did lose several friends beforehand, but Ashe has lost a lot before & bounced back to help others in other scenarios and it doesn't really negate the atrocities at play, here.
Legitimately, he failed here. While obviously gameplay/story segregation is a thing, Ashe's dialogue here—in this burning city with innocent bodies piling up—shows that his priorities are more focused on fighting than protecting. Yes, Ashe is a soldier & a knight, but by this point, the hooks of knighthood/nationalism have dug deep after fighting with them for five years and he fights for the king/country, not its people right there. A direct antithesis of the Ashe we see when he's on our side. There's still bits of kindness in there, but he's still fighting a battle that was already lost & worsened by his remaining leaders, rather than saving anyone caught in the crossfire.
Having Annette & Ashe here is a great way of showing how nationalism/war can warp someone's mindset so badly that even when they are good people (or at least, were), they can still succumb to it & only think about killing/fighting their enemies, rather than anything else. And also what authority can force someone to do, even if under any other circumstance, they'd vehemently disavow something like that. They are incredibly sweet, bubbly people, but even they aren't immune to propaganda.
(That said, it's a good thing this game is from five years ago, because the idea of a military burning their own city to the ground to combat an opposing, invading nation is a lot more icky to read when you look at the current slew of conflicts going on right now. Because it sure isn't the people being invaded that are burning their homes to the ground)
But regardless, I really like just how this game approaches what, on paper, is a very milquetoast kind of character. A nice guy who likes being nice & doesn't like violence, but kind of has to deal with war anyway because the story calls for it. But there's a context & depth to why he does what he does that makes Ashe in my opinion much more interesting than he might come across at first.
He doesn't just see his dad die, feel sad, & slowly move on, he's shown how he has to grapple with the violent killing of his father in the name of an institution that he just got thrown into. He has to deal with the fact that someone he might've called a friend turned out to be involved in the death of his brother and consequently, his father as well. Different routes have him come to different conclusions, albeit in more subtle fashions than something like the Faerghus 3, who either end up super happy or just the most fucking miserable people on the planet, depending on the story.
And to his core, he is one massive contrast to the rest of the Blue Lions. He's disconnected from most of the bullshit they're all entangled with, which gives him a unique perspective from everyone else and makes his growth go in much different directions, whereas everyone else is basically "Happiness in Azure Moon, pure suffering in everything else." And his growth is interesting, because it still requires him to ask himself hard questions for which there are no easy answers. It's just that all of this is wrapped in cinnamon buns and sunshine, which hides his intricacies.
I dunno, I just think he's a lot more interesting than he's given credit for. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware that he's a popular character. I've seen how often he pops up in those CYL polls. But most of the time I see him flattened a bit as only being "nice" and not much else, when he's actually got quite a lot of meat on his bones. Well, metaphorically, anyway. He may not be as richly layered as a Sylvain or Dorothea or Edelgard, but he's got enough to him that I thought was worth talking about.

Link to the original Google Doc for those who don't want to read it off Reddit HERE.

Artist: Taylor Swift
Album: Speak Now (Taylor's Version)
Release Date: July 7, 2023
Listen: Spotify Apple Music Youtube Music Tidal Deezer
Album: 1989 (Taylor's Version)
Release Date: October 27, 2023
Listen: Spotify Apple Music Youtube Music Tidal Deezer
Label: Republic

Speak Now (Taylor’s Version)

Speak Now has always stood awkwardly in Taylor’s discography. Sandwiched between Fearless, her breakout album that catapulted her into prominence, and Red, the acclaimed fan fave that soft-launched her transition into the pop scene, her 3rd studio album was always overshadowed by her other records; hell, it barely got a single song in The Eras Tour when it first started; so the re-recording was its chance at redeeming itself and finally getting attention from a fanbase that continuously ignored it.
So, did it finally get the recognition it deserved? Well… sorta kinda? It did sell incredibly well, as all of her albums do, and it finally gave the era a #1 hit, but so far this is the only Taylor’s Version that didn’t feel like a cultural moment where absolutely everyone was talking about, and I guess that’s to blame on the fact that the original Speak Now was not the inescapable record the other rerecorded albums were. Of course there was a fair amount of talk about it, but I guess a few line changes in Better Than Revenge were never going to create the same amount of discourse than the 10 minute version of All Too Well would. Oh well, guess Speak Now will continue being a bit of a hidden gem in the discography of my favorite small indie artist.
For what it’s worth, I personally believe this is the most successful rerecording in terms of matching the original, it’s honestly impressive listening to the Taylor’s Version of the title track and barely noticing any difference. While for the other reversions I have a few songs that I still prefer the original version, I can totally say that I think every single rerecording from Speak Now is just as good or better than the ones from 2010

Electric Touch (feat.Fall Out Boy)

All I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life
Got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life

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Taylor is only human, and she was just as immune as any of us to having an emo pop-punk phase back in 2010, and if we all had her power and influence we probably would also use it to collaborate with the idols from our youth.
Electric Touch is not the first time she has dabbled in pop-punk-tinged songs, with Better Than Revenge and The Story of Us preceding it, but I think this song is interesting because it feels like a bridge between those 2 songs and her stint on arena rock with State of Grace, with its booming percussion and reverb’d electric guitar. She’s accompanied by Fall Out Boy’s lead vocalist, Patrick Stump, who adds an edge and drama to the track, which given the lyrical about being anxious yet hopeful of a new love, it’s the appropriate amount of intensity.

When Emma Falls In Love

'Cause she's the kind of book that you can't put down
Like if Cleopatra grew up in a small town
And all the bad boys would be good boys
If they only had a chance to love her
And to tell you the truth, sometimes I wish I was her

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Apparently this song is about Emma Stone, hah! Ain’t that curious? I could try and write a dissertation about this song being a gay declaration of love, but I’m sober right now and don’t know enough about the lore between Emma and Taylor to try to make some conspiracy theory.

I Can See You

I can see you waitin' down the hall from me
And I could see you up against the wall with me

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I Can See You is straight up lusty, a feeling that Taylor was only allowed to allude to in the vaguest way possible in her early years (Exhibit 1: The original lyrics to Sparks Fly before any obvious mention to sex got scrubbed clean), and while I think BMR missed out on a huge bag by preventing The CW from using this in all of their show anytime they wanted to have a suggestive scene, I think it’s for the best this got kept in the vault, as I do not believe 20 year old Taylor had the chops to sell a song like this, not like how she’s able to do so now, making it feel flirtatious and sultry without getting cheesy.
This song was pushed as a single release week, being accompanied by a music video featuring Taylor Swift’s best ex, Taylor Lautner, and actress Joey King, who appeared in the music video for Mean back in the day. This is less a music video and more a reel of Taylor Lautner doing cool pirouettes he can show to casting directors when he wants to join the MCU, and a vehicle for a lot meta references and easter eggs that lead to the fandom figuring out the next Taylor’s Version to be released.

Castles Crumbling (feat. Hayley Williams)

And I feel like my castle's crumbling down
And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground
And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down

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Taylor has spoken and sung multiple times about how she’s always expecting for everything she has to be taken away from her, how she understand the fickleness of stardom when it comes to female artists, most notably in her songs The Lucky One and Nothing New, but unlike those two, Swift isn’t just expecting for the public to get bored of her and move on to the newest, shiniest starlet; she expects for her downfall to be brutal and violent, with crowds of people yelling about how they hate her now; makes sense as to why she would return to the “castle crumbling” motif in Call It What You Want, when it really did seem like Taylor’s time in the spotlight was over. I do think it’s interesting that these fears were deep in her mind as far back as 2010, because one would think that’s when she would have been at her most optimistic; coming off an album with 2 huge hits and a Record of the Year Grammy award; but it just goes to show how as soon as she got the success she always dreamed of she was terrified it would vanish out of nowhere, and I think it does put in perspective Swift’s tendency to wanting to be loved.
Oh, also Hayley Williams is here! She doesn’t get the HAIM treatment, she does such a good job at imitating Taylor’s style that the two just get mixed up in the process. Hope all you Europeans enjoy listening to them duet this at the Eras Tour.

Foolish One

Foolish one
Stop checkin' your mailbox for confessions of love
That ain't never gonna come
You will learn the hard way instead of just walkin' out

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Fun fact: This song is actually about me and I’m going through the rigorous process of suing Taylor Swift for defamation and spreading damaging information about my being.
Not to turn this writeup into a therapy session, but for the entirety of the past year I found myself in the gut-wrenching situation one could call situationship, one where I was a lot more into the other guy than he was into me and we stayed in an eternal state of unlabeled limbo where we would act like a couple anytime we saw each other but would barely interact in the between, so at some point, I truly was the Foolish Onest to ever have Foolish One’d… “Stop checking your mailbox for confessions of love that ain’t ever gonna come” really hit the hardest when I would check my phone every few minutes in hopes of receiving a text from him, and not a single time receiving it, and Taylor was fully right, the long way down I took because instead of walking out, I decided to learn the hard way. Essentially, I got called a dumb bitch by Taylor Swift, but weirdly that comforted me; it made me feel less alone in a time were all I was getting was silence, and it was a kind reminder that if this could happen to Taylor, how could I, a mere mortal, avoid a canonical event like this one.

Timeless

Even if wе'd met
On a crowded street in 1944
And you werе headed off to fight in the war
You still would've been mine
We would have been timeless

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Timeless is kinda the whitest and straightest song ever written… Because what person from any marginalized group has ever thought to themselves “Wow 🥺 Imagine if I had been alive back when the first World War was happening”. I can’t help but roll my eyes a little to this because it does come off as those facebook posts that are a bunch of black and white photos with some lame caption like “I want an old school love💟”, but if I put that aside, I can’t deny that I’m a sucker for the message of this song. Maybe I’m a delusional hopeless romantic, but the idea that you are meant to be with someone under any circumstances just makes my heart flutter in a silly way. Taylor has been able to express this idea a lot better in songs like Invisible String, but I can’t get too mad at a song that is just essentially a daydream about always being with the one you love.
An analysis I’ve seen often that has made me feel fonder of this song is queer and non-white fans interpreting it as “Even if we were in another time period where we would be even more marginalized, against all odds, we would still find each other and make it better for us”, and that lens makes it so the song feels less like a teen going “I would have loved to wear poodle skirts and drink milkshakes in the 50s” and more like a true testament to how powerful destiny is.

1989 (Taylor’s Version)

A common sentiment I would see when Fearless (Taylor’s Version) came out was “Oh! I really like this, but I’m not that attached to the original recordings. The real challenge will be in the re-recordings for RED and 1989”, which makes sense, those two records were the first steps in Taylor becoming the cultural behemoth she is today. Some of her biggest and most beloved songs reside in those albums; these were tracks that people continued listening to for way longer than their initial release, so their Taylor’s Versions would face more scrutiny than even hits like Love Story or You Belong With Me had to.
In November 12th, 2021, Red (Taylor’s Version) got to be heard by the public for the first time, and while the reception was primarily positive, there was a common and loud complaint: The singles ain’t right. The dubstep section in I Knew You Were Trouble didn’t hit the same, the 22 chorus wasn’t as cheerful, the goddamn “Weeee^eeeee “s in We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together sounded awful… They simply missed the mark. Many blamed it on the absence of the songs’ original producer, Max Martin, who chose not to participate in the rerecording process. Swift & Co’s best attempts at recreating the magic Martin seems to have when working on music were falling flat, and that meant bad news for 1989, as 11 of the 16 tracks were produced by the legendary producer. To say people were nervous would be an understatement. We got a few snippets to some of the new versions via animated animal movies (weird how that happened three separate times), but it would be a long wait until we got an official announcement.
On August 9th, 2023 at the final Los Angeles concert of The Eras Tour; after a lot of easter eggs and conspiracy theories; Taylor would perform multiple of her sets wearing new light blue outfits and officially announced that 1989 (Taylor’s Version) would come out on October 27th, the 9th anniversary of the original release, and then sang New Romantics, the only song from the album yet to be performed as a surprise song.
Taylor and her team pulled out all the stops to make sure they wrung out every single penny from Swifties with disposable income willing to buy multiple editions of the same record, so as expected, this release was a massive commercial success, selling over a million copies in the United States on its first week alone. The reception to it was a lot more positive than one would assume given how ready people were to nitpick any minute change between the two versions, although that didn’t mean that there were no commonly shared grievances, with the most repeated one being about the end result of Style (Taylor’s Version), as it just failed to capture the lightning in a bottle perfection from the original.

“Slut!”

But if I’m all dressed up
They might as well be lookin' at us
And if they call me a slut
You know it might be worth it for once

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The 1989 vault start with “Slut!”, sadly not a Bangerz-era Miley Cyrus-like song about dancing like a slut at the club, but instead a bright synth-pop ballad about being so in love with a boy that she accepts her inevitable faith of getting publicly shamed for having an active love life. A more earnest way to address the constant scorn thrown at her for being a “serial dater” than the irony filled Blank Space. According to Swift herself, both songs were in direct competition to be included in the album as her response to the media’s criticism of her dating habits.
One thing I’ve always loved about 1989 is that it felt like an exclusive look into the life and drama of an A-lister, some of its best songs just ooze such glamour and luxury, they’re a window to a lifestyle most of us will never get to experience, and “Slut!” fits in this theme pretty well, especially with lines like “If I’m all dressed up, they might as well be looking at us” giving you a feel as to how it must feel to date in the public eye.
I must mention how this song seemed to be what Taylor Nation was looking to push as a single, with it being the song featured in major playlists before the public at large showed more interest in Is It Over Now. This is nothing but speculation of my part, but I’d guess that the plan was to push this with the Matty Healy version that we only knows exists because of a batch of vinyl that had the lyrics to the THe 1975’s vocalist’s verse... For multiple reasons I’ll say that I’m very glad these plans didn’t come to fruition.
Oh also this was my surprise song so therefore I believe is one of the best pieces of media ever written, recorded and released.

Say Don’t Go

Why'd you have to lead me on?
Why’d you have to twist the knife?
Walk away and leave me bleedin’, bleedin'?

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I think it’s funny how whenever someone tries to recreate the feel of the 1989 tracks, they almost always go cartoonishly 80s, to the point that you’d believe Taylor Swift was singing at malls alongside Tiffany and Debbie Gibson, but maybe they were just ahead of the time and knew that this would come out. Say Don’t Go is so over-the-top with it’s influences that it feels like it should be soundtracking the final scene of an 80s blockbuster, and I would usually put this on Jack Antonoff and his tendency of adding those booming drums that make everything sound like a Springsteen song, but this might have more to do with the fact that this was co-written with legendary songwriter, Diane Warren, who’s been writing massive hits since the 80s and her work soundtracking various movies have landed her 15 Oscar nominations (which is difficult to get, not everyone has that), leading to this exaggerated piece where Taylor continuously yells “I’ll stay forever if you say… dont… go” as if she was begging for him to actually do so, as clearly she has no intention of leaving, even though she recognizes she’s better off without them.

Now That We Don’t Talk

I miss the old ways
You didn't have to change
But I guess I don't have a say
Now that we don't talk

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Who doesn’t like to reminisce on their past relationships while being a little snarky about it?! Therapy can be really expensive, but making fun of your ex’s annoying tastes over the most Antonoff beat you’ve ever heard is free.
Now That We Don’t Talk doesn’t stay for long, lasting 2 minutes and 31 seconds; the shortest in Swift’s discography; but it makes sure to use its time well to throw digs at whoever the song is about, especially in that final bridge.

I don't have to pretend I like acid rock
Or that I'd like to be on a mega yacht
With important men who think important thoughts
Guess maybe I am better off now that we don't talk

And maybe this is all too much attention for a man who is no longer part of your life, but I fully believe that if someone treats you so poorly you have to open up to your mom about it, they’re a super-villain, so whack that long-haired moron for me again!

Suburban Legends

I didn't come here to make friends
We were born to be suburban legends
When you hold me, it holds me together
And you kiss me in a way that's gonna screw me up forever

‎
When the album first dropped, a lot of people complained about the additional tracks feeling more like Midnights songs than 1989, and I think this might be the guiltiest of that allegation. There’s enough common sounds with the rest of the pieces pulled out from the vault to not make this stick out, but if you told me this was recorded and produced the same day that Antonoff and Swift did Bejeweled, I would believe you.
Lyrically, it feels like an exercise in songwriting as this is clearly not about Taylor’s literal and actual life, because you cannot convince me she has been to a suburb after 2010. If I had to guess, I’d say she watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower and did her best to make a song that could fit in its soundtrack.
If you’re like me and eat up anything the Antonoff/Swift duo produces, you’ll enjoy this alright, but otherwise, I fear you’d most likely find this unremarkable.

Is It Over Now?

Was it over when she laid down on your couch?
Was it over when he unbuttoned my blouse?

‎
Is It Over Now was pretty much selected by the public as the song we wanted as #1, as unlike with Red and Speak Now, there was no music video accompanying the release of the rerecording, and I mean, how could we have chosen anything else when this slaps this hard?
This is what I think of when I imagine a 1989 track. The twinkly synth lines, the booming drums, the spacious production, the extreme dramatism… It’s what has made this one of my favorite albums and it all can be found in this track. It has so many hooks and memorable moments that I would love to highlight; the reference to her sitting sadly on a boat, the line about wanting to jump off a building, or when she drags the guy for going after girls that remind him of her ... but I think as it often happens with Swift tracks, the key part of this song is the final bridge, where she repeats everything she said before with even more intensity as the instrumental gets grander, making it all feel so much more grandiose. It’s such a triumphant finish to this new version of an album that for years has felt like Taylor running a winning lap around the industry.

Sweeter Than Fiction

Your eyes, wider than distance
This life is sweeter than fiction

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Well, this isn’t really a vault track, though with how little people knew this song before the Taylor’s Version (and how it’s treated as a hidden track in a specific vinyl variation) it might as well be. Sweeter Than Fiction was released in 2013 as part of the soundtrack of One Chance and it marks the beginning in the professional and personal link between Swift and her now go-to producer, Jack Antonoff.
I think it’s interesting seeing them go back to their original collaboration after years of working together and understanding how to best complement each other. The two versions are virtually identical, but you can see how much they’ve both grown as artists, with Taylor’s voice being more mature and controlled, and Antonoff’s production feeling a lot more crisp, intentional and dimensional than before.
If I were to make a list of Taylor’s most underrated songs, this would easily be up there. Its bombastic chorus is able to go head to head with some of her most beloved pop songs. Just one listen and you’ll get “There you’ll stand, 10 feet tall…” stuck in your head. If you have never given this song a chance, I highly recommend you do so.

Questions

1. Which of these two re-releases have you enjoyed more? Do you like them more than Fearless and RED TV?
   
2. What is your favorite vault track from 2023?
   
3. What are your thoughts in other Taylor 2023 releases not touched in this writeup, like All Of The Girls You've Loved Before or You're Losing Me
   
4. What do you want to see from Taylor next? Another rerecording? A new album?
   
5. Do you think she'll be able to fly from Tokyo to the US in time for the Superbowl?
   

The whole premise of FFBE is that visions of people can be called upon from a distant space, time, or even dimension. Nothing prevents units from coming from the real world, from our Earth – and indeed, several pop stars have made the trip over the years.
If they did come from Earth, have you ever wondered which real-world countries Global Original units would come from? Well, I have, and it’s kind of a slow week, both in-game and out, so... here we go!
I will be examining Global Original units (also called GLEX, but they rarely stay “exclusive” for long…) and try to guess which country they come from based on their name(s), appearance, description, enhancing and awakening quotes, story (if relevant), Vision Card art, and fighting style. In most cases, I will be wildly grasping at straws, while abusing tropes and fighting my French-born biases. In other words, this is all very scientific.
I did leave aside:

• Collab units. We know that Aya Brea comes from Boston and Sora from Destiny Island, so there’s no point guessing. (I know that the jury’s still out regarding Sora, given the *checks notes* eleven versions of him walking around different worlds and epochs, but you know what I mean.)
• Global Original versions of FFBE characters. We know that Hyoh or Cleome come from Lapis or Paladia or whatever.
• Global Original versions of Final Fantasy creatures. Beryl, Noppy, Behemy, Ygni, and Bulwark and the Melodic Mascots are original units but not really original characters, they come from Final Fantasy lore in general – it would be hard to argue whether moogles or chocobos are more Egyptian than Slovenian.
• Lunar New Year units. Yun, Ling, Ang, Yan, Chow, Qin, Bai Hu, Zhu Que, Xuan Wu, Qin Long, Foo, and Shui Yu are all pretty clearly from China, so again, no fun in guessing. I suppose it could be fun assigning them different areas of China, but that goes beyond my cursory knowledge.

Units will be listed in order of release. If I forgot anyone, please let me know! And you are free to disagree with my silly interpretations, in which case you could propose yours, and I might add it to the post.

Noel – Sweden

Noel comes “from the icy highlands”, and probably from a country with reindeers, since his father had to find the inspiration somewhere for his robot. His parents “were residents of two neighbouring countries that shared a long history of war”: while peaceful today, Sweden was at war with Norway for the majority of its existence, so that could be it.

Olive – Palestine

Olive’s description only tells us about her military achievements, so she would be from a country at war. Her Beach Blaster version is watermelon-themed, and it’s hard to see a watermelon these days without thinking of Palestine.

Fryevia – Italy

She “claims to be the daughter of a merchant”: not only does that not help us to establish provenance, the game also strongly suggests we disbelieve that trivial fact, for some reason. Her whole thing is that she’s skilled with a sword: Italy created fencing as we know it and dominates the sport in worldwide competitions, so it seems like a good fit. She’s also supposed to be an “elven warrioress” but she “usually disguises herself as a human” anyway, and for all I know, most Italians are elves in disguise.

Xon – Morocco

Everyone’s favourite “thief who lives on the streets” gives off an Aladdin vibe – not the original Chinese tale, more the Disney version. Placing Disney!Aladdin is not that easy: Agrabah is loosely based on Baghdad, the palace is based on the Taj Mahal, and there’s that infamous introductory line by the narrator about the Jordan river, so we might as well ignore all of that – personally, I’ve always thought the scenery looked more like Maghreb. Xon’s original sprite also has something of a pirate, and various areas of Maghreb were famous for the so-called Barbary pirates for a couple centuries. From there, it’s kind of a stretch, but I went for Morocco given there was a literal Prince Ali in Morocco not that long ago.

Aiden – Vatican City

Aiden has two versions: a warrior cleric and a secret agent, both of which coincide fairly well with the tiny and paranoid religious city-state.

Reberta – Iraq

Reberta is described as being “reminiscent of a goddess” when she smiles to her dragon companion. The most famous dragon goddess is probably Tiamat, the Mesopotamian symbol of the chaos of primordial creation. There aren’t actually that many real-world sources that identify her as having the appearance of a dragon, but Final Fantasy has embraced the idea for every appearance she’s made, so let’s roll with it. And Mesopotamia corresponds to an area that today is mostly Iraq.

Zyrus – Liberia

Zyrus comes from a “place widely unknown” and has an alternative version that is a secret agent: he could come from Liberia, which is one of the least visited countries in the world, as well as one of the best tax havens (or worst, depending on your personal wealth).

Christine – Greenland

The cutest failed opportunity at an NVA lives “in a cave located in the mountains”. Iceland has plenty of cool caves, but not as much ice as you’d think, especially compared to Greenland; additionally, her snowman friend is shaped like a polar bear, and polar bears are much more commonly found in Greenland.

Kryla – Poland

Kryla’s a winter witch, of which there are plenty in folklore, so let’s proceed by elimination. She’s not associated with hunting like Skaði or Frau Holle, or with rebirth like Cailleach (or, to some extent, Demeter). She’s more of an openly malevolent witch, like Baba Yaga. Since Baba Yaga is a Slavic tale, spanning many countries, I looked at traditional clothing, and some Polish attires fit acceptably.

Malphasie – Thailand

Her description strongly implies that she comes from Lapis, but I decided to ignore that. Malphasie’s description and quotes insist on the fact that, ever since she died, she has been undistinguishable from the murder of crows she is seen with (“it is I who is a part of them”). But which crows? There are dozens of different species on our Earth and they come from every region. There aren’t any “midnight” crows, as they are diurnal animals by nature, but they can easily adapt to a nocturnal lifestyle to avoid predators and/or humans – really, crows are smart enough to adapt to pretty much anything. I was tempted by the Torresian crow, native to Australia, because its scientific name, corvus orru, apparently means “horror crow”, and doesn’t that kick ass? But I decided to go for the Eastern jungle crow, corvus levaillantii, literally the “levitating crow”, because she’s more levitating than flying in her brave shift form. Now, that particular crow is native to a few places, including Thailand, where traditional clothing doesn’t shy away from looking winged, and the colours fit her brave shift sprite as well.

Circe – New Zealand

The oracle is canonically from Mysidia, which means she’s from a secluded wizard island: in real-world terms, New Zealand.

Lilith and Lucius – Norway

Since the two demons take inspiration from Christian Hell and its fanfics, it would make sense to place their origin at the birthplace of Christianity, buuut that could be understood as politically insensitive, especially nowadays. An easy solution is to have them come from literal Hell, which happens to be in Norway.

Ellesperis – Romania

Her Vision Card reveals that her father is a vampire and her mother is a succubus. With lineage like that, there’s no way she’s not from Transylvania.

Tiana – Denmark

Another winter babe, so from another Northern country, but which one? The cute wooden house in her Vision Card could very well be Danish. You may also have heard of The Alchemist in Copenhagen, supposedly one of the best restaurants in the world, at least if you like 6-hour long, 50-course meals.

Felix – Russia

Easy one, since he’s based on The Nutcracker.

Myra – South Korea

She’s a pop idol, which South Korea is great at exporting. Japan and the USA would also work but they both claim enough units already, as you’ll see below, and I’m aiming for a minimum of diversity here.

Sylvie – France

She dons a French name, and paladins were originally Charlemagne’s knights, so no question about this one.

Esther – Chile (Easter Island)

Sorry.

Elena – Greece

There’s not a lot to go on from her description or appearance. She fights against Eithne, which is an Irish name. But her own name is Greek, and the temple where she touches the Azure Crystal (in Starlight Elena’s VC) could well be Greek architecture, so let’s go with that.

Morgana – England

Morgana is one of the names of the enchantress from the legend of King Arthur of Britain.

Rivera – Italy

She’s a conductor with an Italian name. Her fusion quotes even use a bunch of Italian words. Maybe she’s friends with Antemoessa, that insane concerto-themed boss that almost made Sinzar quit Clash of Wills?

Kaito and Tsukiko – Japan

Not much choice here. They are clearly a samurai and a miko.

Karten – Turkey

I did some actual research for this one and learnt that the earliest surviving example of man-to-wolf transformation is found in The Epic of Gilgamesh, a four-millennia-old poem from Mesopotamia. As aforementioned, Mesopotamia mainly covers Iraq, but also spans over Iran, Kuwait, Syria, and Turkey; and Karten’s trademark red coat resembles Turkish clothing. (My research also concluded that Karten is the sexiest character in this list, if you were wondering.)

Godrea – USA

She’s clearly a ghostbuster, although a disappointing one – kinda like those remakes, hey.

Levinson and Lucas – Finland

Twink Santa and the robot toy he built definitely live in Santa Claus Village, which is located in the Arctic Circle, known as “Santa’s official North pole residence” and one of the most popular travel destinations in Finland.

Yoshikiri – Australia

Contrary to what his name might indicate, I’m pretty sure this guy is not Japanese. I don’t think it’s ever said anywhere, but it’s pretty clear to me that Yoshikiri is a chosen name or a nickname. His story event showed him as fascinated by Japanese culture, in particular games, literature, and martial arts: he probably emigrated to Japan as soon as he could and became a shinobi there. In other words, he’s a weeaboo. Now, why specifically an Australian weeaboo? Well, why not. He’s blond and he’s wearing sunnies, I guess.

Itachi – Japan

Itachi, on the other hand, seems Japanese. She’s too attached to her clan (the Hisame) for it not to be a family thing. She doesn't even get a personality outside of it!

Ibara – Japan

The most Japanese character there ever was, really.

Eldryn – Canada

Another easy one: arctic wolves are only native to the High Arctic tundra of Canada's Queen Elizabeth Islands.

Melia – Germany

Melia “lives in the forest near a village where a well-known family of knights resides”, which could suggest she lives not too far from Sylvie, ergo, from France. She is also accompanied by an Easter bunny, and it just so happens that the tradition of the Easter bunny comes from Germany, which neighbours France. Easter (Ostara, Ēostre…) is originally a Germanic goddess anyway.

Kaktiria – Argentina

Kaktiria lived with cactuars after they rescued her from a sandstorm, and she is seen frolicking in the desert dunes with them in her Vision Card. Cacti are native to the Americas, and the largest desert on that continent is the Patagonian Steppe, so that’s the most likely place you’d find Kaktiria, statistically speaking (see, science!).

Louise – USA

She’s a female version of Iron Man. Not much else to say.

Skye – Scotland

Her helmet made me think of Hermes. But Skye’s apparently a member (the last surviving member, of course) of a “tribe”, a denomination that doesn’t really fit Greek history. Celts were also typically represented with winged helmets, and they definitely were divided into tribes, so a Celtic country seems more appropriate. I was tempted by the Isle of Mann, as its motto (quocunque jeceris stabit: "wherever you throw it, it shall stand”), seemed appropriate for a dragoon; but Scotland won as there is literally an Isle of Skye there.

Cressnik – Switzerland

With its flag being the opposite of the Red Cross, Switzerland comes to mind for me when I think of “arcane healing”. The country was definitely touched by the Black Death in the 14th century, which started the whole scary bird outfit trend. The place has pretty great healthcare today, too. There’s something to be said about that healing being “arcane” given Switzerland’s history of racism and associating with whoever has money to store, but I won’t finish that thought.

Olivera – Italy

I know Italy has been assigned several units already but since he’s Rivera’s twin…

Maeve – India

Despite being a tank, Maeve’s whole shtick is that she hunts for her family, particularly boars. Seeing as she’s skimpily dressed, we can rule out boars from Northern Europe, or she’d have frozen up out on that hunt. The boar she hunts in her VC and wears in her sprite has huge tusks and a dark blue hue: that seems to point to the Indian boar, which can be found in a bunch of countries but I went for the simplest option.

Wylk – Iran

Wylk doesn’t have much identity apart from belonging to a clan that is descended from a dragon. The idea is repeated through his entire kit. For Earth dragons, we have two options: the Mapuche god of fertility Ten Ten-Vilu (Chile) or the Persian mythical creature Azdaha (Iran). Like Maeve, Wylk is lightly dressed, so that could point to Iran, which can get much hotter.

Abigail – USA

She spends her time building a bunch of drones and loves giving performances where she showcases her talents to the public: she’s American.

Melissa – Netherlands

Melissa is from a village that was plagued by a mysterious disease, so I thought about placing her in Democratic Republic of the Congo, where the Ebola virus got its name… But that seemed insensitive, so I’ll rather associate her with the Dutch microbiologist and botanist who is credited with the discovery of viruses, Martinus Beijerinck.

Nora – Mexico

She “explored ancient ruins all over the world” but that doesn’t tell us where she was from originally. Her Spanish-sounding name and her poncho-looking cape seem to place her in Central or South America, but it’s difficult to narrow it down afterwards. She’s basically a walking pun on Dora the Explorer, and Dora is ambiguously pan-Latina, so that makes sense… Let’s go for Mexico, since, according to FFBE’s official Facebook post from two days ago, that’s where the 7th biggest global playerbase is from.

Richt – Austria

His name is a German word but he’s much too well-dressed to be German.

Kir – Czech Republic

He’s a scholar, but there are universities everywhere. More helpful is his Vision Card, in which the library he protects looks like it could be the Strahov or the Klementinum, both in Prague.

Panthera Ultimus – South Africa

Hyoh is an FFBE character but Panthera Ultimus is an original character, our latest one! Yes, I know it was technically built in Paladia rather than summoned, but let’s ignore that. Leopards, the most common of black panthers, can be found in Asian countries but they mainly live in Africa. The Panthera Africa Big Cat Sanctuary is in South Africa so let’s go with that.

TL;DR

There is nothing to summarise because all of that was pointless.
Happy holidays! <3