1. Corn - Almost all corn, specifically in the US and Canada is produced by Monsanto seed. This is a man-made corn, which has been genetically modified and/or is a hybrid corn. It’s been processed. This corn was specifically developed by Monsanto to be fed to cows for them to put on fat quickly and grow fast. The more corn you eat, the fatter you get. It’s not the original, as nature intended it to be food. It causes allergic reactions to all degrees. Avoid anything with the word corn in it “Corn syrup solids”, “high fructose corn syrup”, “cornflower”, “corn starch”, “cornflakes”, etc. Look at the ingredients, if it has the word corn then avoid it. Monsanto is an American agricultural biotechnology and agrochemical company that was founded in 1901 by John Francis Queeny in St. Louis, Missouri. The company's products include glyphosate herbicides, crop seeds, and vegetables. Monsanto is best known for its herbicide Roundup, which is based on glyphosate. The company also produces genetically modified seeds, such as those that can tolerate glyphosate, which kills weeds without affecting the crop. What happened to Monsanto? Ethical Consumer
2. Artificial Sweeteners - 2 main ones: Aspartame(nutrasweet) & Sucralose. Stay away from these two. These are found in diet sodas. These fall into a category called exito-toxins. They are chemically addictive. It’s the “new crack”. It affects the neuro-transmitter activity and the serotonin levels in your brain. This means these artificial sweeteners make you anxious, stressed, and depressed. They are in any diet product. If you see “no sugar”, it may be a marketing ploy - they want to convince you it has lower calories and some type of artificial sweetener. You find these. The actual foods or drinks taste horrible, but the aspartame and sucralose make it taste better. Fast food study
   
3. Pork - A pig will eat anything. Scientists now know that whatever the pig eats turns to meat on its bones. The meat you eat puts toxicity in your body.
   
4. Shellfish - More people get sick and/or die from eating “bad” shellfish than any other food group. Many people are also allergic to it more than any other food group. Shellfish isn't just a fish that comes in a shell like a scallop, mussel, lobster, clam, crab. It’s any fish in water that does not have scales and fins. Stay away from anything that comes out of the water with no scales and fins. Catfish has fins but no scales, stay away. Squid/Octopus stay away from. These non-scale/fin animals are called “filters”. They absorb whatever toxins that are in the water and they keep that in their flesh, which is eaten. This is also the law of kashra, the kosher laws - pork and shellfish fall into the kosher law category. It states that you can eat anything on the ground that has a split hoof and chews to cut. Which is why you don’t eat pork. Also, don’t eat anything that doesn’t have a split hoof and chews to cut like a bear(has a paw). States you should eat fish with fins and scales. The Kashrut Laws
   
5. Hydrogenated Oils (Trans fats) - Look on the label. It says hydrogenated oil. These scar your arteries and lead to heart attack. It messes with hormones and affects sleep. Makes you hungrier and fatter. Affects immune system.
   
6. Genetically Modified Organisms (GMO) - Buy foods that say no GMO’s. The majority of the ingredients have not been modified. With GMO, foods are modified.
   
7. Monosodium Glutamate (MSG) - Falls into the same category as artificial sweeteners, it is an exito-toxin. Messes with neuro-transmitter activity, makes you hungrier, makes you thirsty, makes the body store extra fluid in fat cells making you gain weight, bloady, and fat. It increases fat cells and makes them bigger. KFC, Taco Bell, etc all have this.
   
8. Wheat - If you live in Italy, this doesn't apply. Youdon’t want wheat that's come from Canada or USA because it's only been fermented for 48 hours. This is tough because how can you determine that? Duran-wheat means it's from Italy. This is trustworthy. If you can reduce the amount of wheat you consume, you’ll be better off because the majority of wheat hasn't been fermented for 48 hours. Its high gluten wheat, causes types of gas, bloating, allergic reactions, weight gain, etc. Make sure all your pasta comes from Italy (Organic product of Italy). If you make your own pasta, buy flour from italy. Same goes for bread in USA.
   
9. Soy - All over the world. Almost all soy now comes from Monsanto seed. It’s been genetically modified and causes all types of intestinal problems and reduces testosterone. Same with corn, soy is everywhere - “soybean oil”. Soy-bean oil is very cheap. Even if it’s organic,it can still be genetically modified.
   
10. Corn-fed beef & anything dairy that doesn't come from grass fed cows - Stay away from homogenized dairy. Cows eat grass. But in the industry, cows are fed Monsanto genetically altered corn to make them fat and get them to the supermarket quicker. Cows don't eat grain in real life, they eat grass. When a cat is fed corn and grain it will get fatter faster. In the commercial feed that's fed to cows, there is ground up dead cows, horses, other animals that were so diseased they couldn't be put into the food chain. But they'll feed it to a cow which is supposed to be a vegetarian only eating grass. This cow gets diseased as well. Those animals were injected with bovine growth hormones and massive amounts of antibiotics. When you eat beef, your testost. score goes down, you put your body in toxic shock, because of the growth hormone, which makes you fatter. These beefs don't have much CLA which is the acid in the beef that increases testosterone. Buy 100% organic grass fed beef and dairy. Buy raw cheese that comes from France or switzerland.
    

How can we stop going around in circles with these corrupted nihilists? (basically an extreme religious-nut but in reverse; no meaning, no value, no good/bad, nothing matters) I've compiled some of my thoughts/comments.

But first If you are not caught up yet:
1 Re: Vegan Gains ...The Militant Vegan Raffaela Interview - (May 12, 2024)
2 Vegan Gains is a sub-Jerkivest [5/11/24]
3 Moral Realism Debate w/ Inmendham - (May 16, 2024)
4 WTF #899: The vegan gains debate ... Value realism - (May 19, 2024)
5 Vegan Gains ...Denialism is the only nihilism [5/19/24]
also saw this Controversial Topics with Vegan Gains (Horse Riding, Bivalves, Depression, and much more!) - (May 11, 2024) ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ (he thinks in terms of some dogmatic religious brain-rot morality source of right/wrong, but a kind of reversed/opposite conclusion of it's absence, nihilism)
the very reason religion was invented in the first place was because humans by nature had a value-engine driving them & NEED for meaning, that's the irony. value gave rise to religion, religion never needed to grant value. The fact people can't grasp this. 🤦 ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

Now onto the various arguments, sorry how long and out of order it is But the idea is to provoke you coming up with better ideas/arguments, and if you can critic and strenghen my and ultimately inmendham's arguments. The GOAL should be to Create a formal argument AKA a syllogism, modus ponens. Something clear and concise that can't be taken out of context or misinterpreted, as happened with the debate...

On the subject of Efilism, tread lightly, the philosophy and argument extends beyond merely focusing on suffering; it also includes the critical issue of consent violation. Its proponent and creator, Inmendham, argues for value realism, which contrasts starkly with the notion of subjective morality which I find illogical. While objective morality is full of baggage... often linked to outdated religious doctrine so on face value it's not fun or easy subject to broach... many contemporary non-religious ethicists ground it in realism. Personally me, inmendham and others see no use for the term "morality" as it's tainted. value-realism is the subject. Is it a value-laden universe or not?
it is not necessary to call TRUE/REAL right or wrong Objective, because if objective is defined as mind-independent than without minds there's nothing right/wrong to happen to, therefore THE discussion should be just regarding what is TRUE or NOT, subjective doesn't necessarily mean mere contrived opinion or preference but can be logical conclusion, e.g. you can conclude 2 + 2 = 4 as we understand these concepts of numbers to model reality but can you call it objective or mind-independent 2 + 2 = 4, or that math exists? Not really. As you require a modeler to model reality, an observer to make the observation, a mind to come to such accurate conclusions. To me, claiming there is no real right or wrong is akin to asserting that moral standards and ultimately the subject of Ethics is as fictitious as religion or Santa Claus, you just believe it cause you want to or have preference to. Why maintain this pretense if it's all a mere fabrication / contrivance?
Regarding subjective judgments such as determining "What's the tastiest potato chip or the most beautiful painting?", these are not factual assessments about the things themselves, The question itself is misleading, because the thing itself has none of those qualities objectively, Instead, such qualities are OUTPUTs generated by the interaction of our bodies and minds with these INPUT items, the input is quite arbitrary/irrelevant, unlike the highly meaningful & distinct output generated of positive or negative experiences. You might get off more on certain female body part than another, it doesn't matter, the output positives & negatives is more or less same among individuals and that's what's relevant... not what specific fun or hobby gets you or them off or pushes their buttons.
It can be TRUE that a certain food item is the tastiest to that personal individual, or gross to another, and we can talk about intersubjective truths with averages overall. But one's experience of what is tastiest for them doesn't contradict another's, they can both be true for them individually, as you are likely not even sharing the same exact experiences to judge differently. And one's very perception or framing of the experience changes the experience itself, no way around this truth. Some people find bricks tasty or edible, just how their brain is wired.
It's important to recognize that differing opinions of personal taste do not inherently conflict in the way ethical contradictions do. With ethical matters, asserting that two diametrically opposed views are equally valid is problematic, either one is right and the other wrong, or both might be based on flawed reasoning. Pretending 2 opposing ethical views can be both equally right/true/correct is utter contradictory mush, either one of them must be right / wrong, or both are contrived meaningless nothing opinions, just made up. you wouldn't say whether one believes in god or not IS mere personal opinion/preference and such 2 opposing views can be equally right at same time, that's utter contradictory nonsense, by saying 2 opinions that gRAPE is both good & bad at same time are equally right opinons, right loses all meaning and you might as well say neither is right and both are wrong, they each have their own contrived fairytale delusion.
Now with Ethics of right / wrong, it does not depend on one single individual's preference or opinion, but taken as the whole, if you violate one without consent you still have to account for that since you are seemingly putting the weight on the preference otherwise preferences are utterly meaningless and irrelevant.
ALSO, Do you call whatever you prefer what's right, or do you prefer to try to do what is right?
Do you prefer to seek out what is the right most accurate conclusion given all the facts of reality, or contrive right to be what's in your preference/interest or personal gain?
I don't think VG or most these talking heads understand value-realism (problematic events within subjectivity/a non-physical but REAL reality of the mind). Obviously there's no objective divine or otherwise prime-directive moral-rules we must follow. Unfortunately Religion has poisened the conversation so much with archaic ideas and mushy terms like 'Morality'. Understand there is no 'moral truth', let alone an objective one, ofc if you pigeon-hole me or all realists into defending such nonsense it's easy to refute them. What I'm interested in is subject of Ethics, and to start whether or not value/problematic events exist or do not exist.
Here's a silly question by nihilists: "why is suffering bad?"
Response: How do you identify suffering? Based on the fact that it feels bad. (Yes subjectively) Just as we can subjectively understand 2+2 = 4
Or this: "prove suffering bad, objectively"
Also question-begging, obviously it is subjective. If such badness cannot exist mind-independently by definition.
"Prove suffering is bad, objectively"
is begging the question, because...
It strawmans / assumes the badness must be bad mind-independently, it isn't therefore, it isn't bad.
Answer this, evolutionarily do animals PERCEIVE being tortured skinned alive nail in the eye as BAD, or does it impose torture which we RECOGNIZE and define as Bad by definition?
If true PAIN/torture isn't bad then why does it exist evolutionarily? Answer: (problem -> solution) mechanism which functions as ability to learn & improved survival, this mechanism was reinforced over time as it worked.
inmendham & realists like myself argue: it is the case Descriptively, Objectively evolution IMPOSED Prescriptive-value-judgements onto animals which function as a learning/problem solving mechanism. Fact is, the invention of 'PROBLEM' is something I/we/animals had nothing to do with... (no-free-will-choice) but are simply byproduct in observation of this fact.
If real PROBLEM(s) didn't truly exist then Arguably the word and conceptual understanding it points 👉 to wouldn't exist either. As if beings could be truly blind never seeing colors/vision yet pulling the idea out of thin air and conceiving of such a thing, how preposterous, that'd be giving human creativity/imagination way too much credit. The only nihilist argument then is that by evolution we & all feeling organisms are somehow ultimately deluded or have illusion of problem where there is none, which I find deeply implausible. Run the torture study/experiment a million times putting people's arm in the fire "yep still bad". Filtering out people who lack ability to feel pain of course.
As evolutionary biologists even states pain is a message to the animal "don't do that again". Can't get descriptively prescriptive more than that.
Are You Getting It?
The Ought is literally baked in as an IS. The is-ought gap to be bridged is a complete Red-Herring, yes you can't derive an Ought from an IS, because if you oughtn't do something, then it can never be BAD... problematic/BAD/torture can't mean anything if it doesn't scream OUGHT-not.
All you have to agree to is due to evolution it created torture which is decidedly negative/ inherently BAD, by definition. Otherwise it wouldn't feel bad or be torturous at all... THEN ask yourself, how can something be BAD yet it's not BAD to create that BAD?
This is Checkmate. These are irrefutable Facts & Logical deductions.
So much for it all being false-perception, the very fact placebo patients perceive an otherwise harmless laser as BAD/painful makes it so. It's the TRUE reality in their mind and you can't deny that fact. It's also a fact believing a pain isn't really all that bad can make it so, but this doesn't make these value-laden experiences NOT real/true.
As per evolution, your body/brain's mechanisms must generate & impose a prescriptive-value-judgement / problematic event within your mind,
It's nagging, complaining, telling you keeping your hand on the hot stove is a mistake/problematic/bad. (not in itself but as a consequence)
I believe this brain making me write all this... is making an accurate assessment when it observe certain events to be problematic/bad where it's happening which is within subjectivity, where's your evidence my perceptions are fooling me or I'm somehow deluded? I witnessed the crime take place and you were nowhere near the crime scene yet you have the authority to claim otherwise as fact? (You are not simply agnostic to my problem suffering but a De-nihilist)
Once one accepts this evolutionary fact we can move on to more complicated questions regarding ethics, like how do weigh the good & the bad, conflicting preferences, etc. Otherwise, it's all pointless & futile, like arguing bivalves or wild-suffering with a non-vegan. They're just not on that level yet and it's a waste of time.
revised version of my other comment: I believe that many discussions around morality miss a crucial point about value-realism, which acknowledges problematic events within subjectivity, a non-physical but real reality of the mind. It is evident that there are no objective, divine, or prime-directive moral rules we must follow. Unfortunately, religion has muddied the conversation with archaic ideas and terms like 'morality'.
There is no 'moral truth,' especially not an objective one. If critics pigeonhole realists into defending such notions, it becomes easy to refute them. My interest lies in ethics and whether value/problematic events exist.
Consider this question by nihilists: "Why is suffering bad?"
Response: Suffering is identified because it feels bad, subjectively. Just as we subjectively understand 2+2=4, we can recognize suffering through its unpleasant experience.
When asked to "prove suffering is bad, objectively," this is question-begging, as the question assumes that the badness must exist independently of minds, which it does not by definition. This question straw-mans the issue by requiring mind-independent badness, ignoring the subjective nature of suffering. As if the quality of it being BAD must be granted by something outside the experience itself.
Evolutionary Perspective: Animals perceive and react to torture (e.g., being skinned alive) as bad because evolution has imposed mechanisms that signal harm. Pain serves as a problem-solving mechanism, reinforcing behaviors that enhance survival. If pain and suffering weren't inherently problematic, they wouldn’t exist in the form they do.
Realists like myself argue that evolution has objectively imposed prescriptive-value judgments on animals. The concept of 'problem' or 'bad' arises from these evolutionary mechanisms, not from free will. The existence of these concepts indicates the reality of these problematic experiences.
If real problems didn’t exist, neither would the concepts describing them. This is akin to how beings blind from birth wouldn’t conceive of color. Suggesting that evolutionary processes have universally deluded all feeling organisms into perceiving problems where there are none is implausible.
As evolutionary biologists state, pain signals to the animal, "don't do that again," which is descriptively prescriptive. The 'ought' is embedded within the 'is.' Thus, the is-ought gap is a red herring because prescriptive judgments are evolutionarily ingrained.
Again, How do you identify suffering? Based on the fact that it feels bad. (Yes subjectively) Just as we can subjectively understand 2+2 = 4
All you have to agree to is due to evolution it created torture which is decidedly negative/ inherently BAD, by definition. Otherwise it wouldn't feel bad or be torturous at all... THEN ask yourself, how can something be BAD yet it's not BAD to create that BAD?
Conclusion: By acknowledging that evolution created inherently negative experiences like torture, we accept that these experiences are bad by definition. Denying the badness of creating bad experiences is contradictory. Therefore, once recognizing the true reality of subjective experiences, only then we can move on to complex ethical questions about weighing good and bad and addressing conflicting preferences.
playing devil's advocate let's try Steelman their position and then arrive at the logical conclusions of it and then perhaps refute it. If they say: "veganism = right" realize there is no contradiction IF by 'right' they just mean it's literally nothing but their preference...
There's no goal to prefer to know/do what's right, RATHER what's right is whatever matches our personal preferences, so unlike flat earther vs round earth beliefs/CLAIMs which can contradict/conflict with each other since either 1 is right or both are wrong. Individual tastes don't.
Whereas if VG says 9 people gRAPE the 1 kid for fun is WRONG because he's a threshold-deontologist but Also RIGHT to a hedonistic utilitarian, Those views only contradict/conflict if they are making VALUE-claims or recognizing a problematic event take place. However, with VG apparently he would have to say he's not claiming or labelling anything as TRULY problematic at all but merely describing his preferences like flavor of ice cream...
Now, of course, as the realist, I find such a view more deplorable/worse than if they were merely agnostic on right/wrong. Cause it's one thing to say there's a right answer to questions of Ethics but we have no objective scientific basis to determine it yet or lack knowledge VS saying they have knowledge there is absolutely no right or wrong.
Under Anti-realism nihilism, what they mean by wrong/right, is just their preference, if I understand correctly (which I'm quite sure) Anti-realism nihilism reduces the Subject of Ethics down to nothing but you or someone else pontificating/opining (i.e "me no like torture") . It defends some sort of expressivism, emotivism, normative, prescriptive reduction of Ethics. Which I find lubricious and has to be a mistake,
I don't see anyone playing any different game even the nihilists invest their money and plan ahead for self-interest, no one truly signs up for torture for fun like it's no problem, and runs away from pleasure happiness as bad. Further, it stands to reason... since we can recognize objectively evolution created a punishment mechanism to enforce learning and survival, BAD/PROBLEM as a concept is something I/WE/Animals had nothing to do with. We didn't invent it, we recognize it and respond accordingly. Even evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins stated that pain is a message to the organism 'don't do that again!'
We must address further the flawed logic of VG and other nihilists reducing Ethics down to mere arbitrary preferences like potato chip flavor, or how much salt you prefer in the soup. As it is completely disanalogous & dishonest upon reflection. QUOTE: "There's no arguing against Efilism, it's just personal opinion. Like arguing what tastes better... ice-cream or potato chips?"
Say if you believe that the mona-lisa is beautiful, and I personally find it ugly, this conflicts/contradicts nothing because it claims nothing in terms about that object or reality outside of our own minds.
such qualities are OUTPUTs generated by body/mind from these INPUTs, the input is quite arbitrary/irrelevant, unlike the highly meaningful & distinct output generated of positive or negative experiences.
it doesn't matter what specific fun or hobby gets them off or pushes their buttons in order for it MATTER, those differences don't make it any less real OR all mere subjective opinion. the output positives & negatives is more or less same among individuals and that's what's relevant...
It can be TRUE that a certain food item is the tastiest to some personal individual, or gross to another, one's experience of what is tastiest for them doesn't contradict another's, they can both be true for them individually because it is the reality in their mind, Some people find bricks tasty or edible, just how their brain is wired.
while one person may find a certain food delicious, another may find it repulsive, without invalidating each other's experiences because they are true for them individually. both experiences are valid/correct.
However, actions that disregard another's negative experience invalidate their reality. if you find being boiled alive problematic and I do it anyway believing it's ok, I am invalidating your experience as either not real, relevant, doesn't matter, or my preferences are more important (carry more weight) than yours. Or simply believe it's ALL equal or arbitrary and I just prefer to exploit you so I do that.
Positive or negative experiences are largely consistent among people, making them relevant, regardless of the specific stimuli. Individual truths about taste or preference coexist without contradiction, reflecting each person's value-generated reality.
This cannot honestly be applied to one's mere opinion it's fine to boil kids alive, as you are invalidating the fact that it matters to those victims. You saying it doesn't matter or your gain of pleasure outweighs their loss of pain, is a claim about the reality of events going on in their mind, so there is room for conflict/contradiction. They can't both be right/wrong at the exact same time.
A strong non-intuition argument/claim & facts presented render value-nihilism implausible:
It is Descriptively the case, that Evolution IMPOSED Prescriptive-ought statements... of 'PROBLEMATIC sensation/event' on organisms which functioned as a learning mechanism and improved survival.
Therefore, BAD/PROBLEM isn't mere subjective opinion but something I/we/animals had nothing to do with and are mere by-product reacting to an observation.
This is pretty much the only base-axiom needed to ground my own torture as mattering as the original actual value-currency at stake. That paired with the fact I sampled consciousness and know it matters to me whether or not I am tortured, the fact that I personally observe it as problematic makes it the true reality for my own mind...
...AND it's not mere opinion/proclamation / or idea humans creatively invented out of thin air... as if like everyone could be truly blind yet conceptualizing colovision, makes no sense. plus that's giving humanity way too much credit of imagination.
Can't really have thoughts about information that you don't have. The concept of bad/problem arguably wouldn't even exist if it never was so.
Yes, I agree very semantics. I am attempting to shed clarity on this topic. Looking at the word "BAD" purely in a descriptive sense (e.g., that which can be categorically applied to extreme suffering) it loses all meaning if it's not truly consequential (i.e., it matters whether one experiences bad or not). If it doesn't actually matter ("no problemo") then it can't be bad, only an illusion/delusion of it, yet it's an effective one evolution imposed on organisms as a learning/problem-solving mechanism. The value-realists like myself have every reason to believe evolution created the real thing, not some contrived pseudo-problem organisms feel compelled/obligated to solve.
One only requires the axiom of a Descriptive Bad to ground Ethics. Why? Because it can be argued that a descriptive statement of BAD/problem is prescriptive by it's very nature in the meaning the of word/language.(otherwise its psuedo-bad/fake langauge, redefines bad as aversion/mere preference against) Otherwise, it can't mean anything to be bad, torturously obnoxious, unwanted experiential events couldn't mean anything. Evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins even state pain is a punishment signal/message to the animal: "Don't do that again!" If those aren't prescriptions imposed, then I don't know what is. The animal doesn't simply decide/prefer to avoid the event and finds it bad, it's told/finds it bad and so prefers to avoid the event/problem. If god or there were some logically or physically possible way it were to be invented how else would it exist?, or what you think evolution's reward & punishment mechanism accomplished? If it didn't synthesize problematic sensations to force organisms to solve?
Evolution prescribes Needs/wants, at the same time imposes a PAIN/PROBLEM of starvation/hunger which by it's very nature is a prescription for solution (i.e. sustenance/relief/comfort.)
By the very nature of "PROBLEM" it prescribes -> "SOLUTION" not merely a contrived or trivial-like on paper math problem, but the origin of why the word even exists: the problem of pain, a true whip/punishment mechanism, real currency to play with, real loss. Idk how you can describe something categorically as a PROBLEM in the true sense of the word if it doesn't come with it a necessary prescription for its solution. Because if there is no NEED for a solution, then it turns into no longer a problem again...
I don't see how it could be any other way because if there's no real game to be playing with value baked into it, then money would be worthless/not even exist, animals wouldn't bother evade standing in the fire, etc.
Saying It is Descriptively the case, that Evolution IMPOSED Prescriptive-ought statements... of 'PROBLEMATIC sensation/event' on organisms which functioned as a learning mechanism and improved survival.
Is the same as saying Evolution IMPOSED torture/BAD, as that's what torture/bad is... a prescribed need for solution to a problem which is some form of relief/comfort.
The prescription arises as a result of accepting step 1. (which nihilists reject/deny) problem solution. The latter does not follow/exist without the former. basic 2+2 = 4 logic. There's no point figuring out the answer to the math equation, if we don't agree first and foremost a problem exists. Nor how to solve a disease, if we don't first and foremost recognize a disease exists. And so, Any debate with nihilists on step 2: of determining what is the most likely solution / right answer becomes irrelevent and a waste of time. Arguing about whether x or y IS the right answer to fixing/preventing diabetes is pointless when they don't even agree the really disease exists. They don't believe an actual real BAD / Problem exists.
VG reduces it down to mere preferences, his reasonings that even if universally sentience prefers not suffebe tortured... Well, just because it is the case descriptively we prefer to avoid suffering doesn't mean we ought/should prevent suffering. He hasn't bridged the IS-OUGHT gap. But he got it backwards,
the claim/argument... ISN'T that because descriptively, sentience universally has a preference to avoid suffering, it is therefore bad,
the claim/argument... IS that it's descriptively bad/problematic, therefore universally there's a deductively logically assigned preference to avoid it,
Again you can't classify/label something as a problem if it's inconsequential whether it is solved or not. The word loses all meaning. If something NEEDs solving/fixing it means there's a problem, if there's a problem it means there's something NEED solving/fixing. Evolution manufactures these needy problems in organisms to manipulate and control them.
Merely what our preferences are IS NOT relevant, preference "frustration" arguably IS. (if preferences couldn't be frustrated "i.e., no value" than it wouldn't matter which way things turned out)
You can have a preference for some art style over another, if we were just programmed non-feeling robots that preferred to avoid standing in the fire, but there was no real kernel of value/bad, then it wouldn't matter.
Let's imagine something was Objectively PROBLEMATIC, an IS statement. What would a real problem look like? something in NEED of a solution. Again, why? because If it doesn't matter whether or not it exists or is Solved or not, it could never be a problem in the first place. So either this problem exists or it doesn't. (NOTE: it doesn't need to be an objective problem to be REAL, "i.e mind-independent")
Next, if ASI or sentient beings were to sample this "problem", would it not be the case they would logically deduce it's in need of a solution? And assign their preferences accordingly to solving it? Cause again otherwise then you just see it as "no-problemo" again.
"If Inmendham's argument is that sentient beings create value, and that the universe has no value without the presence of a sentient being generating it, would it not follow that the ought is inherently built into sensation?" yes but the way VG unfairly reframes it is that we subjectively place value on it, THAT it's entirely subjective, like you prefer salty or sweet, or certain ice cream flavor. emphasizing that it's entirely subjective opinion. Take a look at his unfair silly example: "we can't say pineapple on pizza is objectively tasty or not..." this shows a complete ineptitude in grasping the subject and misrepresenting the argument like crazy, no one is arguing whether Mona Lisa is objectively beautiful or some such thing.
What is being argued: the positive or negative mind-dependent event produced in response to the sensual or perceptual stimuli, the input (object) is irrelevant, only the output (experience) matters and what the value-engine (BRAIN) produced. What pushes your buttons so to speak, blue jelly beans or green jelly beans, could differ between 2 individuals but the shared experience is the same more or less. Whether you wired to find pineapple on pizza tasty or gross is irrelevant, some people find bricks edible.
Main issue is they talking past each other: what inmendham is arguing for was either not expressed as best it could be, and/or VG does not quite comprehend what is being argued... inmendham claims/argues evolution created the real bad/PROBLEM and we respond in recognition of this fact/truth with preferences that follow accordingly, Logic cannot be escaped, once you know 2+2 = 4, you can't will or believe it to be 79. If you know the right answer "torture be Bad M'kay?" obviously you won't act or behave otherwise and say you love it. What could it mean to have a preference against experiencing torture... does such a statement even make any sense? All that is required is a real BAD to exist... and then the preference to avoid it logically follows, an inescapable truth. Unless he thinks I also choose or prefer to believe 2+2 = 4 ?
Essentially VG keeps counter-arguing that: "yes we want to avoid torture, but that's just your preference... just cause universally sentience has a preference against torture (a Descriptive / IS statement) doesn't logically follow some Normative/Prescriptive claim/statement. That just because something IS the case it doesn't follow that we OUGHT / should do X, like help others, prevent suffering, etc. That's a non-sequitur he says. Ultimately it's just a preference." sure but...
His argument only applies/counters a strawman position in his head: Because of this I and other realists can account for / side-step it completely, we aren't attempting to derive an OUGHT from an IS. e.g strawman: "we ALL have preference against torture, Therefore it's BAD." Or "we ALL have preference against torture, Therefore we OUGHT prevent it"
The actual argument is that it's Truly Bad/Problematic by the very nature of the word, Therefore first-hand observation follows universally a deductively logically assigned preference to avoid it. Not the other way around.
"If the only thing that can have meaning in the universe is the experience of a sentient being, ought we not maximize its value just by nature of its experience being the only thing that can matter?" yes the ought is a further logical extension of recognizing it to be a problem, which denotes/demands a solution, otherwise if it doesn't matter to solve it or not then you've turned it into a non-problem again. So it can only be categorically one or the other.
Issue of semantics, different terminology and definitions: as long as VG defines objective as "mind-independent" and sets the goal-post to the realist to find a mind-independent "wrong/bad" as if somehow we need some divine-command or absolute rule in the universe that declares it so... then there is no fruit to the discussion. suffering/bad takes place in the mind/experience, so of course it's unfair to ask one to present a mind-independent suffering/bad in the universe, it is begging the question. To be fair inmendham uses the term objective and could have done better job with defining/pushing his terms "e.g. objective as truth/real/fact" and not let VG impose in his own. However, I don't ascribe a requirement to demonstrate an Objective BAD to ground a BAD as real, valid, and true; it can be entirely based on Subjectivist grounds/axiomatic foundations.
Just because the BAD takes place within subjectivity doesn't make it any less real (non-physical/immaterial sure... but not unreal). VG and nihilists can't understand this. 2+2 = 4 is subjective as is all science ultimately as a root axiomatic-fact... as an observation requires an observer. This doesn't mean realism can't be proven/grounded, it can just like we can know 2+2=4 and the moon exists. If anti-realism is gonna deny subjective truths because it's subjective, then one can't know much of anything and reduces to solipsism. I am more certain I exist and the reality of "perceived" BAD I experience is actually a real BAD... THAN that the moon even exists or any other scientific empirical claim.
PROBLEM is something I/we/animals had Nothing to do with, we didn't invent it.
If Anti-realism nihilism was True and Real "PROBLEMS" didn't exist the word wouldn't exist. It is like being born never knowing or seeing or experiencing vision & color, it's impossible to contrive or imagine it. Some knowledge & information is only accessible through experience.
Even Richard Dawkins stated, "pain is a message to the animal Don't do that again!"
If the ought exists within subjectivity, as preferences, why would them being Subjective vs Objective determine whether or not their violation matters? If one experiences disgust looking at something AND another finds beauty... both are true realities for them, they don't conflict or contradict like empirical or fact claims, but instead both are correct and relevant, not one or the other, BECAUSE when someone says the mona Lisa is beautiful they are just saying it arises in them a sense of beauty, the thing/input is irrelevant whereas the output in mind is what is relevant and true for their reality.
Subjective =/= not true, I don't understand the dichotomy between objective vs subjective ethics, as if there isn't facts to glean about subjectivity.
There's also definition or semantic problems:
objective (mind-independent) vs subjective (mind-dependent)
Under such definition does it make sense to say Objectively evolution created feeling experiencing organisms having sense of taste, smell, sound, hunger, pain, to survive. So can we apply word objective to mind-dependent experiences or not?
And of course under such definition there is no objective mind-independent ethics as without minds there is no feeling subject of concern to even talk about in first place. So how silly...
Yet they take objective to mean True & Subjective made up or mere contrived opinion.
For me these are semantic word games that distract, I just care about what's fact/true. What many don't get is Even science, math is subjective invention, byproduct of subjective tool of language, doesn't mean we can't create an accurate model and picture of reality.
I believe the Is-Ought gap is a red-herring, sure it's true you can't contrive an Ought from just what IS, but with evolution the OUGHT statement is built-in, it's descriptively a prescriptive value statement imposed on me, I/we/animals literally have nothing to do with it, I'm just by-product an observer. This is key understanding.
There exists no objective or divine commandment "you OUGHT do X" written into the fabric of reality, and therefore if you don't that's Bad, No. That's nonsense/impossible logically.
Rather an Descriptive IS statement of X is a real bad/PROBLEM, denotes/demands a solution by it's very nature of the word, otherwise if it doesn't need solving then it becomes into a non-problem again, so either x categorically IS a PROBLEM or it's not.
The claim/argument... Is that it's Descriptively BAD/Problematic, therefore universally there's a deductively logically assigned preference to avoid it. Not the other way around. Our personal preference against torture forever doesn't make it therefore bad. The prescription is built in, forced onto us.
It's like "STOP!" & "GO" What do you say to a dog? "BAD dog!" This is saying it should or shouldn't do something. basically = "No!" "Stop!" That's a prescriptive statement/signal/conveyed message.
Or simply, alls required is Descriptively diagnose Torture as Problematic. Which implies Problem Solution Without necessity of solution there is no problem at all, likewise without problem solution means nothing.
​So you essentially boiled my position down to: "Evolution programmed preference to avoid torture." or "we evolved preference to avoid torture" Does that sound incoherent or what... as if I would make such a silly claim. Keep straw-manning.
Do you think animals have PREFERENCE by default to avoid being tortured burned alive and have sex, or logically preferences are born out of observing problematic negative / positive assigned accordingly through punishment & reward mechanisms aka prescriptions, think long and hard about this one...
This is why value or ethical nihilism is incoherent to me. IF torture be bad, how can it be NOT-bad/neutral to create BAD?
It either is truly BAD or it isn't. It's either real or it's an illusion/delusion and false perception.
Their position must reduce to there is no MEANINGFUL difference between Torture & Bliss. And evolution didn't create any problematic sensation or true punishment whatsoever. Instead, were somehow deluded to view being boiling alive as problematic sensation/BAD, and relief as good, we can't tell the difference or label which is which...
Vegan Gains or any anti-realist needs to substantiate these anti-realist nihilist claims & concede if he agrees with the statements below:
"The value-laden problematic BAD experience of being tortured boiled alive in a vat of acid indefinitely... isn't really bad, evolution didn't successfully impose a real negative punishment mechanism on animals, torture isn't something I/we/animals had nothing to do with and are just byproduct observing the imposition, NO! Instead our opinion has everything to do with it... what's problematic torture, one is merely subjectively interpreting/inventing/proclaiming it to be so! Evolution failed!"
"Animals run from fire cause they irrationally unreasonably subjectively interpret it to be bad/problematic sensation or experience, not cause DNA molecule made it so objectively for evolutionary reasons"
"It is all subjective preference like flavor of potato chips, problematic torturous experience isn't bad you just think it's bad or have preference against it."
"You don't logically recognize intrinsic problematic torturous experience then logically assign solution to problem which is preference to avoid that experience, No, you merely have subjective delusional preference against a nail in your eye and there is no logic to it"
"Good is Bad, and Bad is Good depending on opinion, no right or wrong, all subjective tho"
value anti-realism nihilism. INSANE! WORSE than a flat-earth theory!

6 months ago, the worst thing happened.
I'd been referred to the hospital for a general asthma check up. The nurse called me through for the preliminary height, weight and blood pressure checks, and as I stood on the scale, I watched the little wheel spin all the way round and hit the end. "oh," said the nurse, getting a little flushed. "there must be something wrong with these scales." I nodded in agreement, knowing full well there was nothing wrong with the scales, the problem, was very definitely me. "let me see if I can find something else." she said, as she bolted through the door.
The thing is, I've been huge since Year 7 at school, I started out really skinny, but at some point, it's like my metabolism just died. I got a little chunky, upgraded to paunchy, progressed through flabby and somehow arrived at a place where a nurse is dragging in some weird kind of bariatric chair scale. I sat in the chair, focused more on trying to not let the emotions I was feeling show on my face than I was anything else.
The result announced the nurse - "163kg - you don't look that big..."
163kg, which is over 25 1/2 stone, or just shy of 360lbs - a weight I'd only previously heard announced by the ring announcers at a wrestling show. (incidentally, a weight that was more often than not exaggerated for effect...)
Now I was kind of aware that I was huge - I just did everything in my power to avoid thinking about it. I avoided mirrors, bought baggy clothes online, casually selecting the most X's available, I'd get the bus, rather than risk squeezing myself onto the tube - even though it'd take an extra hour to reach my destination. Regardless of what I did however, the truth was there in front of me, sadly the world is far too full of mirrors and other reflective surfaces, the number of online retailers that could supply my need for multiple X's dwindled to one, and far too often i've sat skewed into an uncomfortable position to prevent myself encroaching onto the person who bravely sat next to me on the bus.
Every year (weirdly around this time) I'd get a lighting bolt of motivation, I'd join a gym, I'd sign up for some miserable food replacement shake plan, buy a diet book, count some calories and for a few months things seem positive. Then out of nowhere the motivation just dies, I go from weekly weigh-ins to fortnightly, the three times a week gym trips are skipped (only if its raining, or too sunny or maybe I didn't sleep well last night, I'll go tomorrow, I'll push myself a little more, unless its still raining...)
Whatever calorie counting app I'd settled on this time, that initially was full of hourly updates, now has more holes than the groins of my jeans. I hate myself for feeling this way, for failing again. I hate that my brain can navigate diet rules and find loopholes like a top barrister or tax accountant. I hate that I can't control myself, that I'm weak and pathetic and can somehow always find a way to sabotage my efforts and end up in a worse place eating my way up the BMI scale yet again.
So here we are, spurred on by a bariatric weighing experience, and looking for the lastest answer.
But I'm nervous. Sure the side effects don't sound great, the nausea, bloating, diarrhea. I can barely afford the treatment, the talk of not knowing the long term effects, the increased risk of cancer... non of that sounds great.
What I'm actually scared of though, is that despite the 'wonder drug' label, this is just something else that I'm going to fail with, another thing my broken brain will manage to bypass, shuffle around and sabotage. It really actually terrifies me, the thought that maybe I can't be helped.

yo i do not care about people first off lying about an age gap between me and my girlfriend being a year bigger than it actually is and the age gap between me and my gf is completely legal no matter how tryhard people might go to be chronically online and pretend a ninth and eleventh grader dating without even physically having contact with eachother and having never met yet is pedophilic that is a braindead take and i havent gotten any hate on anywhere except a couple reddit comments being bombed with downvotes because it is LITERALLY LEGAL REGARDLESS OF WHAT U WANNA SAY.
go look up can a ninth and eleventh grader date or sum shit and look at every single answer buddy im not dealing with any brainlet chronically online people refusing to believe that the law that verifies this is okay is valid. im still heated asf that anyone is genuinely brain dead enough to have a take that that is problematic and im offended asf i would get labeled that by degenerates
this situation is done closed and solved and theres no argument left to be had. expose me for having said the n word and other slurs in the past because ive been a junkie edgelord whos constantly high being a dickhead online dont dare make up some shit about me where you lie about the age of my girlfriend to make me look bad. call me out for one time in a gc about two to three years ago when i was 15 i started trolling and asking everyone to have sex with me and then someone got uncomfortable after saying they wanna ride my cock and so i told them to take a bus to pennsylvania and then they said they uncomfortable and so i profusely apologized to everyone there.
i have done shitty things but dont dare fucking call me out for something you want to believe because you dont like me you weird fuck
go stream trans trap its out now and this situation is done if i get harrassed anymore im not replying and will call the police on the person who is labeling me as this as i have their address from when theyve logged into my profile before and i got a pizza called to my old HOUSE yesterday and got called by the current residents asking why my name is delivering them pizza

I'm not asking for medical advise, simply options to present to my doctor for approval!
I was prescribed modafinil off-label for ADHD.
My psychopharmacologist was willing to go out on a limb with me because methylphenidate (in the past, I was on Ritalin LA or Concerta) and, god forbid, amphetamine (I tried Adderall for two terrible days) both make me feel wired and obsessive (worsened OCD symptoms) while also impairing sleep. My guess is that too much norepinephrine causes problems for my brain and body.

“We’re a meat family,” my dad would proudly tell strangers. He’d wait for the quizzical look, then launch into detail, starting with how many freezers we had, how long we could sustain ourselves on the contents. It was just his way of starting a conversation, which made sense when you considered that raising and home-killing animals for food was, for want of a better term, his life-long hobby. His prize possession was one of those industrial-sized vacuum sealers: you could put half a pig inside and wrap it in plastic so tightly that every wrinkle and skin fold waxed unreal with shiny detail.
If we hadn’t lived in a rural area, albeit semi-urbanised, I guess it would have been pretty weird. But the mostly farming-stock locals only found his extra enthusiasm a little bit odd.
When he wasn’t being a bit embarrassing talking about it, I never really paid much heed to his hobby. I had a child’s vaguely grateful awareness that though our family went through some lean financial times, our stomachs never suffered like some of the families around us. All the beef, pork, ham and bacon in those big old chest freezers passed down from his dad really could have fed us for years.
I should preface all this by saying that I wasn’t a particularly bright kid, though neither was I dumb. I didn’t fail badly at anything in school, I just never achieved beyond a pass. I didn’t know it yet back then, still quietly dreaming about being a ballet star or a dressage champion, but mediocrity was my destiny. And I think that’s why I got on so well with my Aunt Liz.
Liz was my dad’s live-in youngest sister. She was one of those women who get described as ‘bubbly’ — not really pretty, not really smart, not a lot going on besides just being… well, all Liz. But she was salt of the earth; kind, caring, and great with kids. She was the only person who would willingly mind my two older brothers, who fought like hellcats and caused more trouble than the whole last generation of my family combined. People would privately lament to my parents that it was a shame Liz didn’t have kids of her own, but dad would just shake his head and say Liz liked it that way – that all the fun of looking after kids is being able to give them back to their parents.
I guess she was like me; nice, but mediocre. Lovely, but somehow forgettable when she wasn’t doing something for you.
But when Liz left us, I couldn’t forget her.
In hindsight, it was pretty weird timing that we had a big fortieth birthday party for Liz right before she disappeared. She was radiant that night; she’d hired a local girl to do her hair and makeup, and it was honestly the first time I’d ever seen her look pretty. She’d even worn a push-up bra under a tight red dress, which flattered her very plump curves well enough that the neighbour’s farmhand was spotted disappearing into the woolshed with her for a snog. In my dawning awareness, that gave a plain girl hope: if Aunty Liz could get a guy at forty, maybe things would turn out okay for me.
Anyway, I couldn’t forget how her pink cheeks, her eyes, her whole self, glowed that night before Liz went to bed. She said it was the best birthday ever, and that she was very much looking forward to the next stage of her life.
Would I have done anything different, if I had known? If I had realised what, exactly, that next stage was?
The week after the party, Aunt Liz said she was going on a little holiday up north, to visit some old school friends. She packed her things – she didn’t honestly have that many – and drove her little orange mini out onto the main road. And with a wave of one fleshy hand, she was gone. Nobody really thought much of it when she didn’t call, because nobody rural had cellphones back then. And Liz was, as I said, somehow kinda forgettable when she wasn’t right in front of you.
When we hadn’t had contact for six weeks, Dad tracked down the land line numbers for their old school buddies. They were surprised to hear from him — Liz had never arrived, so they had just assumed she’d cancelled her visit. No-one had thought to check. I eavesdropped on the conversation, and it sounded for all the world like *they* had forgotten about Aunt Liz, too.
From there it became a missing person case. The local cops came and talked to all of us; the farmhand who’d been seen snogging her was briefly detained, then let go, dad got grilled at length, even my hellion brothers were questioned thoroughly to see if this was one of their wild and dangerous pranks gone wrong.
But everything was a dead end. Nobody knew where Liz was, or what had happened to her.
The remains of her old mini were found halfway across the country, burned out on a beach, on a derelict stretch of ragged, rocky coastline. The police assumed murder and combed the area for remains. But even the most expert divers couldn’t conquer the incredible undertow and fast-shifting seabed of that coastline to look for evidence, so none was forthcoming.
Eventually the cops collectively shrugged and said that there was really nothing more they could do unless more information suddenly came to light. The locals knew nothing, no witnesses had come forward, and the trail was cold. As far as anyone knew, poor aunt Liz had been murdered on some desolate beach, far away from her home.
It didn’t feel fair to me. She’d once mentioned wanting her remains buried on our farm, in the graveyard plot beside grandma and grandad.
So, in my grief, I went into her room to look for something of hers to bury beside them.
Like I said, Liz didn’t have many things. Her room was pretty spartan, and her wardrobe was mostly sensible farm stuff. There was one exception: she, like me, did like to read, and she had a pretty good collection of well-thumbed books. I think it’s the escapism – even the most mediocre girl can lose herself in the plot of some trashy romance novel, imagine there’s still hope of being swept off her feet by that handsome stableboy, his inexplicable yearning for chubby plain girls.
So I set myself the task of going through the books, to find the right one to bury in the graveyard plot.
Most of them were exactly what you’d expect, but some of them were racier than I was used to. I felt various parts of my body flushing and tingling, as I read breathless prose about calloused hands touching the softest flesh of the protagonist. Okay, if I’m honest with myself, I might have got a little *too* invested in my project at that point. But that was also why I persisted going through her entire collection, until I found the ragged paperback from 1970, entitled Tawny Sands. And inside that trashy cardboard romance cover, I discovered not the tale of Tawny Sands, but some carefully hand-cut, stitched-in pages. A handwritten story in my Aunt’s rounded penmanship: Memoirs of a Long Pig.
I read her story twice in a row, utterly gripped.
Aunt Liz was no Stephen King – heck, she wasn’t even the Goosebumps guy – but her story was gripping and compelling, and I couldn’t put it down. Even if I hadn’t known her, I think that would have been true.
The gist of it was that Liz, when she was sixteen, had discovered that our family had a very long history of eating what she described as ‘Long Pork’. It’s an antipodean term, anglicised from the Pacific Islands: human meat.
Like me, young Liz still had some hopes and dreams. In one of her many failed attempts to find a special talent, she’d taken up cooking as a hobby. Naturally, with our family’s overabundance of meat, she’d scoured the freezers in the shed for ingredients: the racks of ribs and stacks of pork chops, butcher-paper wrappings all neatly labelled with the first letter of the name of the animal they came from.
She found familiar meat from Rodney, one of the pigs that had been recently slaughtered, emblazoned with an ‘R’ in her father’s strong, blocky lettering. There were cutlets labelled ‘M’ for Mary, from one of the lambs she’d hand-reared, and ‘F’ for Ferdinand, the steer they’d killed the month before. But she couldn’t explain the many, many curious parcels of meat on one side of the huge freezer, all labelled ‘J’ – at least, not until she took it all out and assembled it as well as she could on the scoured concrete floor of the killing shed. A big, frozen jigsaw puzzle without the box, her best attempt to discover what kind of beast the pieces had come from.
The animal, she quickly realised, was a Long Pig. Her own Aunt Jenny, who had died the month before – just after her fortieth birthday.
Fortunately, or perhaps not, for Liz, her father entered the shed right at that moment and realised his daughter had discovered the family secret. He sat down calmly on the lid of the freezer, and explained to her that this was a long-running family tradition, dating back to at least before his grandfather had been born.
“There are always people in life, Liz,” he’d said, “who won’t really amount to much. They want to be useful, want to be more. They strive and they strive, trying job after job, hobby after hobby, trying to hit on something they’re really good at. Something that makes them special. Those people can waste their whole lives, chasing dreams that never come true. Eventually they die unfulfilled, knowing that all their time has been wasted. That what they leave behind will fade quickly.”
His voice was oddly gentle as he leaned down and patted one of the neatly wrapped cuts of Aunt Jenny, still sitting frozen on the shed floor.
“Your Aunt Jenny was one of those people. So was my Aunt Irene.” He paused to gaze at his daughter, his next words peppered with emphasis. “But you see, my sweet Liz, they did find a purpose in life. They did find a way to be special, and they left this world utterly certain of their gift.” He stood up, stretched his back. “Let me show you.”
Liz waited while my grandad meticulously stacked the meat back into the freezer, all but one J-marked parcel that looked for all the world like a thick venison steak. He took her back to the farmhouse, and reverently unwrapped the deep red, heavily marbled meat to let it thaw. Then he laid it in the family’s ancient, cast-iron pan, basting it with butter and rosemary until a heavenly scent filled the kitchen, and Aunt Liz couldn’t stop her mouth from watering.
“Just try it. Let her show you. You’ll see exactly what I’m talking about.”
Even though she knew it was her aunt, Liz couldn’t stop herself from taking that first bite. There was something transcendent about the smell, overriding her natural revulsion that this was human meat, not one of their farm animals. For the first time, she truly realised it: we’re just another kind of animal. And weren’t her memories of Mary the lamb almost as fond as her memories of Aunt Jenny?
Liz explained then, in her curly handwriting, the explosion of taste that had assaulted her when she tried the steak. It was tender, it was succulent, it was rich beyond imagining. The fats melted on her tongue, lingering somewhere between pork and beef, but oddly neither. The flavour of the meat defied identification; something familiar, yet not.
But one thing she couldn’t deny; it was the most delicious thing she had ever eaten. Tears dripped onto her plate, mingled with the juice, the grease — not grief, but a pure, real, giddy delight.
“You’re tasting your aunt’s love for this family,” my grandad explained. “Her entire life was carefully curated, to eventually make unforgettable moments for us, just like this. This was her way of being special. This was the greatest gift she could possibly bring to our world – and because she realised that, she died with not a single regret. She knew her life had purpose. She was perfectly, completely fulfilled.”
I felt those words. I felt them lodge in my own belly, settling uncomfortably deep. I knew Aunt Liz, probably better than anyone else in the family. I’d seen how fucking happy she’d been on her fortieth, how goddamn fulfilled she was, despite apparently being a *nobody* and achieving *nothing*. Somehow, in the space of a single day, she had gone from being a forgettable background character to becoming the *main character*, immortalising herself in our family’s history with her sacrifice. Quite literally becoming part of all of us, forever.
I went to the killing shed after I finished with the book. I looked inside the freezers.
But there were no vacuum-sealed packages labelled ‘L’, no matter how deep I dug into the frozen stacks of plastic-wrapped flesh. Panicked now, not sure if I wanted to connect all the dots or unconnect them, I tried to think back over the last few months, recall any meals that had been unusually good. A few Sundays ago, we’d had a stew that really hit the spot and left me craving more. And I realised that the family had a really good night that night; my brothers behaved themselves, my parents didn’t fight, and grandma and grandad had been there. Hadn’t they looked far more… expectant than they should have?
I strained my brain, trying to recall if I’d seen the homekill bag on the kitchen bench – if I’d registered what letter it was. I knew it wasn’t an L. I would have remembered if it was an L.
And then it hit me, the memory, the connection, sizzling as if branded with a hot iron.
It had been an ‘E’.
E for Elizabeth. Not for Edward the pig.
I snorted at my own stupidity – of *course* Liz was short for Elizabeth – and as I comprehended my lack of smarts, I felt something give inside me.
I wasn’t clever, and nothing, nothing would ever make me smart. I had no big talents. I wasn’t beautiful, or even cute – and even if I had a million plastic surgeries, it still wouldn’t fulfill me. It wouldn’t be real.
I was a Liz.
I was a Jenny.
I was whoever the first aunt had been, the aunt who had dedicated her life to making her flesh as delicious as possible, who had worked every damn minute to be the best Long Pig she could ever be.
I wondered how many magical family evenings had been spent eating Aunt Jenny. How many glorious, satisfying, memorable dishes had been made out of her.
And… I wanted that. I wanted to finally know I had a *purpose* in life. One so simple, and so easy to achieve.
I wanted what Aunt Liz had.
***
It's my fortieth birthday today and I’m so fucking excited. For the last twenty-four years, I’ve dedicated myself to this moment; I’ve eaten exactly what I needed to, I’ve exercised just enough, but not too much, to maintain that perfect balance of marbling vs tenderness. I’ve relaxed and meditated to keep all those amazing flavours inside of me. I’ve researched all the greatest meats in the world, from prime Angus beef to A5 Wagyu. I really think I may have outdone myself.
I’m having my hair and makeup done at the local salon this afternoon, and I’m going to look so pretty; all prize piggy on show at the fair. I’m even going to have a big red ribbon in my hair, in memory of Aunt Liz.
Maybe there’ll be a cute boy I can snog in the wool shed, maybe there won’t – I don’t really care; because the most important, most certain thing is that I’m going to be the most delicious Long Pig in the history of our entire family.
I’m going to make everyone so damn happy, and I’m just so glad I can share my story with you all, instead of hiding it in a grubby book like poor Aunt Liz.
My only real disappointment? That you won’t get to taste me.
Reader, I have loved, loved my life. My Long Pork will be out of this world: once tasted, never, ever forgotten.

We were madly in love. Both not looking for something but still ended up together. After a few months decided to move in together because it didnt work out at her place and mine either with roommates.
Fights started to come and she liked to let it be which was totally opposed to me wanting to sort it out immediately. I kept giving little gestures of love like kisses and hugs as a ritual for coming home, before eating or sleeping.
After a while stuff didnt get resolved. I had a mental breakdown because of the pressure at work and she saw me cry for the first time..
Slowly we started going to sleep with unresolved arguments. Everytime something came up it started snowballing.
We decided to try and talk even though both stubborn but never managed to listen, just having hours long talks until we sort of agreed.
At some point we had to move again. She was away from her family as they lived in another country. The appartment was super small, she hated her job. I agreed to an internship for a while so was not paid. The pressure increased. We got into the same fights and dindnt really resolve them anymore until i accidentally mentioned her moving back to her family. At some point she did.
I was broken inside.
Long story short after about a month somehow i mentioned to get her back, her stuff was still there also so she had to come at some point. I was overjoyed. She didnt have a job anymore and i continued my internship which put another pressure on us to pay bills, some disagreements and the fragility of the situation made the hard times come back although i promised her i would never make her feel sad again. A few times i mentioned i was not feeling good, hoping to be heard but instead it always went to making her feel upset because i told her i didnt feel good.
It created frustrations and we had a bigger fight again.
This day she moved out with ALL of her stuff without me being there or having the chance to talk. (She was back for about 2 weeks).
We agreed to try no contact. Which we both broke a but occasionally. I know she still felt for me so i planned a suprise trip, flew close to her hometown and booked an airbnb. She was shocked but we talked and had the most amazing weekend. I knew how she loved not having to pick so i brought her a luxury dress, skirt and a book i wrote my thoughts in during no contact reminiscing about our good times.
We started talking again, watching shows on netflix and slowly talked about getting to know rach other again. I felt happy as it was going in a very good direction. This lasted for about a month and a half, a discussion or two occured where i talked about needing some reassurance. She never wznted to give it to me. Even though we had daily calls,she said she loved me and i needed to trust her actions on this. When i was out she was jealous often and scared i would date other girls.
I made it very clear i'd wait and give her what she wanted even though it was hard. Extremely hard.
I planned another holiday with her and she agreed.
At some point she started a new job, she stopped using all the apps as much that we shared as a couple (livestatus,ally) and started having less time for movies/calls slowly. I felt like something was off but she told me tshe called when she could and sends me pictures so it should be okay.
She mentioned sometimes she didnt want a relationship. But we also talked a lot about not being able to be friends and that what we were doing was slowly dating and having a relationship. It was so confusing and a rollercoaster everyday.
Sidenote: we still had alot of bulls to pay when we split and i took care of that for her ( few thousands)
The holiday is supposed to be in six days Yesterday she called and told me finally that she doesnt think its fair to me that i do all this and spend all this money. We both cried. She told m that it was probably not going to happen, that the trip maybe might not be a good idea. All along also now she told me she loved me and cared for me deeply. But it broke all trust in me.
I hope she still wants to go. I know theres something and that she might be afraid to follow her heart instead of her mind.
I want the best for her and am sure i could give her that. But somehow she tries to convince herself in me being some evil person because of the arguments.
With every thought instead of considering im human she brings up some clinical term to try and put a label on it.
Now i dont only feel heartbroken but also used and like the love was bever real.as she was the one that wanted to marry and was so extremely in love in the first place
TL:DR
Very in love, moved together, started not resolving fights and she moved countries away. Keeping me around until she felt better while i was down to give her the world. Holiday together in six days. My brain is scrambled

Why being transgender is not a sin, by MARK WINGFIELD NOVEMBER 9, 2018

Link to original post: https://baptistnews.com/article/why-being-transgender-is-not-a-sin/#.YYk6tE7MK72
I recently met a lovely young family in the northern suburbs of Dallas. They told me they previously attended a large Baptist church there – until their high school son became their daughter.
The mother was committed to her volunteer work in the church, and when she told the pastor who supervised that ministry area that her child was transgender, the pastor said: “That’s fine. We love everybody here. But it’s still a sin.”
“Blah, blah, blah, but….” Whatever comes after the “but” always negates whatever nice things were said in the first part of the sentence. Beware of the “but.”
Some would look kindly on the suburban pastor’s response because, after all, the pastor didn’t kick the family out of the church or condemn the teenager straight to hell. But.
Even among Christians who appear kind or progressive, too often the existence of someone who identifies as transgender gets chalked up to “sin.” No doubt that’s the root reason so many Christians happily pile on against transgender persons and their family members about bathrooms and schools, because in their heart of hearts, they don’t understand transgender identity and simply default to thinking it is a sinful lifestyle choice.

I think we all can agree that a “sin” is something we do that we shouldn’t do, something we have a choice about. If I eat an entire half-gallon of ice cream, I am likely guilty of the sin of gluttony. I didn’t have to eat the ice cream. If I fixate on why other people are more athletic and agile than me in my mid-life body, I probably am guilty of the sin of envy. There is a way for me to redirect my thoughts to avoid envy.
The same is not true of transgender identity. Emphatically and conclusively, this is not a choice. It is who a person is. Did you choose to have red hair? Did you choose to be tall or short? Did you choose to have the genetic markers you have? Of course not. Transgender persons are simply acknowledging that the gender identity assigned to them at birth because of physical anatomy does not match the brain, biochemical and genetic gender identity they know inside.
Since writing a column two years ago about understanding transgender identity – an opinion article that has been read more than 1 million times and led to giving a TED Talk on the same subject – I have conversed with hundreds of transgender persons and family members of transgender persons. That’s not just ministerially speaking. It really has been hundreds. Every one of those transgender persons has told me that they knew from their earliest awareness – from the time they were 4, 5 or 6 years old – that the gender anatomy they showed on the outside did not match who they knew they were on the inside.
There is an increasing body of scientific evidence to back up this assertion. For example, a 2008 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that female fetuses with increased prenatal exposure to androgens are more likely to have gender nonconforming behaviors. Researchers – including some theologically conservative ones – point to environmental factors that may be responsible for what appears to be an increase in transgender identity through endocrine disruption beginning in the 20th century. This is linked to industrialization, development of new chemicals and medicines.
But these environmental factors only explain an increase, not the presence of transgender identity, which has been documented for centuries. The American Academy of Pediatrics (not to be confused with a small association of conservative pediatricians often cited by critics of transgender rights) recently released a new policy statement explaining that variation in gender identity is a normal part of human diversity. For an excellent, lay-friendly description of the emerging science of transgender identity, look to this report from Harvard University.

I could quote chapter and verse for study after study, and that would not change the minds of some people who are determined to label as sinful anything they do not understand, usually because “the Bible says so.” In these cases, I ask people to tell me where in the Bible being transgender is condemned as sinful. The only answer usually offered is Deuteronomy 22:5, which says: “A woman shall not wear a man’s apparel, nor shall a man put on a woman’s garment; for whoever does such things is abhorrent to the Lord your God.”
Here’s the problem with even a literal reading of that passage: Transgender persons will tell you they are not “men” putting on “women’s” clothing or “women” putting on “men’s” clothing. Instead, they are declaring an identity much deeper than clothing; they are saying that they are dressing outwardly to match who they know they are on the inside. This is not cross-dressing, which is not the subject of this column. Cross-dressing is about finding pleasure in wearing certain clothes. Being transgender is about finding mental and spiritual peace by aligning outward presentation with inner being.
Occasionally, people will point to Genesis 1:27 as a condemnation of transgender identity: “male and female he created them.” Most transgender persons will tell you they believe God has, in fact, created them as either male or female; the problem is how they have been labeled by others who are not God.
Some people today identify as “gender fluid,” meaning they find in themselves bits of both male and female identity and cannot definitely say they are one or the other. While this may sound unsettling to some of us on first hearing, a return to Genesis might help. There we also learn that God created both “night” and “day” and that God separated “land” from “sea.” Yet we have no problem understanding the existence of dawn and dusk or marshes and everglades. Also, the point of Genesis 1 is inclusion, not exclusion. The ancient text tells us that God created everything: “and,” not “or.”
The other lesson we need to keep learning from Genesis is that all humanity is created “in the image of God.” Everybody. Without exception. When we look at others who are different than us and try to see in them the image of God, we gain new understanding and empathy.
Sometimes well-meaning Christians get this part but still can’t get over the “sin” label. So they will say things like, “All of us are sinners in God’s eyes, and it’s just that my sin is different than your sin.” That’s another way of saying, “I love you, but….”
There’s an easy way to remember why this is wrong: Transgender identity is about who a person is. It is about their fundamental being as humans created by God in God’s image – an image that God has declared to be good.

So I am diagnosed ADHD and bipolar. And right now I am really struggling because I’m on my down swing and having to validate my own feelings to everyone around me is fucking exhausting. I’m also a recovering addict, so I’m around new people a lot. I know how my brain works, every 2 1/2 weeks I change from being able to get out of bed and clean and do something productive to not being able to move out of bed even to eat or go to the bathroom. I am not depressed. I’ve had these mood swings since I was a child but when new people and new doctors come into my life they think they know me and want to label me “depressed”, it must be my hormones, or people always come up to me to pity me because they think I’ve relapsed or when I’m on a down swing they think I’m being antisocial because I actually want someone to come talk to me. I want to SCREAM. I’m tired of people that don’t know me labeling me and deciding they know more about my mental state than my own damn self. IVE BERN DOING THIS FOR 20 YEARS. I’m sick and tired of people not listening to me when I say “hey I’m just on a down swing right now and don’t really want to socialize” or “hey doctor I’m not depressed I’m bipolar and adhd so please stop trying to force antidepressants on me instead of giving me the proper medicine I NEED” or “hey I haven’t relapsed I go through this every month but I know you don’t believe me”. Does anyone else experience this? I think a lot of it has to do with me being a woman and people not having the brain capacity to acknowledge that sometimes women have actual mental illnesses and it’s not just their fucking hormones or because they got in a fight with their bf that week. I feel so misunderstood and I fucking hate it

The Number 47, Synchronicity & the Law of Time Courtney Jamal Dewar, aka Capital STEEZ, came with perfect timing. Wielding a higher message, he revealed to all those around him through his music and his being the corruption of society and all of its constructs. He was fascinated, some would say, obsessed, with the number 47. For him this number held a higher meaning on many levels. First and foremost, he felt it was about synchronicity. He made all of his homies, including myself, aware of how this is the quintessential random number. We literally began to see it everywhere. You can research the numerological significance of 47. Here are just a few: 47 appears to be the quintessential random number of the universe. When a number appears randomly, more often than not, that number is 47. In other other words, if you asked people to pick a number at random, more often than not, that number would be 47. Of course, if 47 shows up more than any other number then it isn’t truly random, but using the word random makes the whole phenomenon easier to describe. From a spiritual perspective, number 47 is a combination of the energies and attributes of number 4 and number 7. The vibrations of number 4 include those of productivity and application, inner-wisdom and practical-thinking, honesty and integrity, endurance and determination, conscientiousness and discipline. Number 4 also relates to our passion and drive in life. Number 7 brings the qualities of spiritual awakening and enlightenment, intuition and inner-knowing, psychic abilities and mysticism, independence and individualism, persistence of purpose and manifesting good fortune.
There is even a much-viewed YouTube spoof of Jim Carrey’s The Number 23, substituting—you guessed it–the No. 47. Jim Carrey's character named Walter is given a book titled The Number 23. Walter starts reading the book and notices striking similarities between himself and the main character, a detective named "Fingerling". Fingerling is obsessed with the 23 enigma, the idea that all incidents and events are directly connected to the number 23 (Weirdly enough when I was younger I was in cod team called 23Enigma) only noted it as of the coincidence.
Jim Carrey told reporters he was so captivated by the 23 enigma even before reading the script that he renamed his production company from "Pit Bull Productions" to "JC23." (Jesus Christ 23?) Oddly enough the first film Carrey worked on with Joel Schumacher his character The Riddler's real name was 'E. Nigma'. According to Carrey, he was reading a book about Psalm 23 when he was first given a copy of the screenplay to review. He said he asked a friend to read the script and "an hour and a half later he was on page 23, circling every 23rd word. That's the kind of thing I want to do to an audience." When he discovered that the first page of the script involved the lead character trying to capture a pit bull, he was "freaked out," given the change in name of his production company. (Pitbull productions) My Nicknames Pitty, short for pitbul (These are just speculations) Also I've gathered others inputs and went down a deep rabbit hole. Mind you, this is just connections that has been gathered over time, but the consistency of certain "coincidences" are interesting to say the least. Just try to piece together the connections even though it may be out of radar due to us living completely different lives.
James > Cleveland Cavaliers (Cavs) > Number 23 > Nicknames are King James & The Chosen One
Cavs is the nickname of my last name Cavanagh
When you flip the cleveland cavaliers logo upside down it is quite similar
(The hat I've worn since 14, P represents the nickname"Pitty:" short for pitbill a nickname ive had since i was around 10 years old.
Matthew writes that on 23 occasions Jesus blessed 47 people.
The Bible credits Jesus with 47 miracles.
The Declaration of Independence has 47 sentences. Originally published: 4 July 1776 (4/7)
1947 is when the UFO crashed at Roswel
The Tropic of Cancer and the Tropic of Capricorn are 47 degrees of latitude apart.
Capital STEEZ died from allegedly leaping from the Cinematic Music Group’ either gripping a bible or with it strapped on his back There is also the fact that a blood lunar eclipse will occur in New York at 3:47 am on STEEZ’s birthday in 2047, and then the lunar eclipse which will occur after this one is part of the Lunar Saros series 135. He said he named the song 135 for “5th dimensional synchronization”... whatever that means, this would be a massive coincidence.
How Many People Can See This Eclipse? Number of People Seeing... Number of People* Fraction of World Population At least some of the penumbral phase 4,070,000,000 When the Eclipse Happens Worldwide — Timeline Event UTC Time Time in Melbourne* Penumbral Eclipse begins 7 Jul at 07:47:47 Visible in Melbourne 7 Jul at 5:47:47 pm On capital steez birthday.
STEEZs last tweet “the end” Was posted December (23) 2012 The building steez died (The colliers office) is on 666 fifth avenue, 10103 10+10+3=(23), New York. The building was built in 1878 The bohemian grove was established in 1878 The address of the CMG label building is on 40 west (23)rd st, 10010, New York The Freemasonry Grand lodge of New York is on 71 west, (23)rd st 10010 NY. Directly located across the same building STEEZ died. Yeah. West 23rd st, w is the (23)rd letter in the alphabet. In Hebrew the letter W represents the number 6 The fraction 2/3 in decimals=0.666 The freemasonry grand lodge of New York was founded in December 15, 1782 15, 1782 1+5+1+7+8+2 = 24. December 24 the date that's etched on STEEZs tombstone. A police report about his death has never surfaced, information has never been released, but there is pictures of his gravestone (see here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuFVUJJR4Ug) and on that gravestone it says 24/12/12, which actually adds up to 48, yet he tweets on the 23/12/12 stating 'The End. Steez was ready to open up Pandora’s box and expose the illuminati occult in a way that has never been done before. It gets deep. Just think about it guys. Steez was an intellectual genius. He would obviously know that suicide actually makes u go to hell and not heaven. As a believer in the lord he would never commit suicide.
I'm not sure if you're paying attention to the ryan garcia trying to reveal how something tragic happened to him where he was taken to boheiman grove and forced to watch things i wont mention here People said his crazy and on drugs, sad thing is, I believe he is telling the truth Fast forward he wasn't on drugs and
Peep his song "Free The Robots" https://youtu.be/XcmR8DxuHBA
STEEZ has definitely made a positive impact on this world by introducing a new way of thinking and spirituality, even more of an impact than a lot of artists who are still alive... Capital STEEZ was 19 at the time of his death.
There is also gematria behind his death it has to do with numbers. I’ll explain what it is for those who aren’t aware of it. Gematria is the decoding of letters to numbers, it’s used to translate ancient Hebrew Scriptures. But it’s also the code for the entire world. The most basic way I can put it is that it’s as simple as ABC=123, they use these numbers thru media, and the thing that’s being shown on the media always correlates with Masonic numbers and words that correlate with whatever and whoever is being shown on the news or media and whatever event is taking place always correlates 100% of the time. In news, sports, music industry, Hollywood, politics, everything. In Numerology, which is different from gematria. After calculating his name I came across a lot of similarities when calculating mine in various forms.
While calculating his name i came across things relating to me like Like "Melbourne Victoria Australia, Royal Melbourne Hospital, june twenty fourth. From his name which connected to me personally as i was born in that hospital, thats the city i live and my birthday. The similarities left me wondering if it was actually real or not so I used multiple different calculators and paid for a membership on gematrinator to get maximum results and ended up noticing so much our mine and steezs calculations were similar answers in different form, and answers i got with his name ultimately connected to mine, vice versa. So i was intrigued and these are a list of numbers that matched up with our names. This is all speculation based on connections that seem to be very consistent peep this
Calculating these variations of our names such as Courtney Jamal Dewar / Courtney jamal Dewar Jr / Courtney Everald Jamal Dewar Jr / Capital STEEZ / Nathan Cavanagh / Nathan James Cavanagh / Nathan James Cavanagh Sciarra, calculations all listed together when I noted them all I didn't think to label to each name as I was so captivated by the coincidences I just kept going down the rabbit hole. I came across profound links to both our names that binds us both to the unique synchronicities that were to apparent to all be ruled as pure coincidence, such as his name calculating to my birthday, place of birth and city, and city i live to say the least.
These are calculations through gematria, some are our calculations mixed in this as I was just noting down every connection I noticed
The first and the last Eye Of Horus Total Eclipse the numbers of gods matrix coordinated universal time Capital Steez June Twenty Forth (my birthday) came up from steez name Lunar Eclipse Sacrifice July (2047 lunar eclipse on steezs birthday) The Central Intelligence Agency A WISE TALENTED MUSIC PRODUCER Royal Melbourne Hospital (where I was born) The Holy Bloodline Of Jesus The Return of Christ Exodus Luke synchronisation The Synchronicities Of Jesus The Book Of Revelations Vibrational Frequency Biblical Prophecy Melbourne Victoria Australia (where im from), came up on steezs calculations The Royal Bloodline The Divine Bloodline Of Jesus fourth of jew lie Energy frequency vibration The Holy Lineage Of Christ One Who Understands Mysteries december the twenty fifth. ..... speaks for itself A Door to another dimension New Moons And Solar Eclipse twenty four seven (my birthdays the 24th, his is the 7th) the victory of the lamb multidimensional royal regiment of scotland Golden Gate Sacrifice Gods Gift Clairvoyant The Chosen One The Two Appointed Ones Leaving For Heaven David And Daughter Of The Oath Are One Almighty God Roars Upon His Throne Powerful Great Grandma The Lord On Earth Donald Trump Assassination Lords Alignment The Lord Gods Here God Is Really Here God Birthdate Encoded End Of Times God Code The Code Of The Lord Lord Birthday Code Gods Provable Code Gods Alive Loser Access Into Heaven Twenty Three The Anunnaki Gods Jesus Is Coming A True Prophet The Seventh Seal What is Jesus's number? 888 Apollo Is The Beast Of Revelation See Fulfillment Of The Book Of Isaiah Prophecy The Serpent In Genesis Describes The Mark Of The Beast See The Forced Evil Mark Of The Beast Foiled The Victory Of The Lamb May The Lord Fill Your Heart Two Masters Is Cancer (steez and I are both Cancer) God Of Eternity We Are God Twins Maker Of New Earth A Two Edged Swords Xanax Vicodin Addiction (i struggled with bad) The Bible Is Intentionally Concealing Information The Galactic Jesus the Anointed One Moses Will Come The King Is Coming Miraculously Encoded By God Pyramids On Mars Forests On Mars Holy Spirit Of Zeus We Are Absolute Infinite Sent By The Gods Powerful Great Grandma999 Burning Alive The Gang Stalkers. (long story short I was a victim of whay they call gangstalking when I was reaching my peak or enlightenment and have been trying to get back to that state again, all I can describe it as is demonic torment) Enoch 777 on YouTube speaks on it good.) A Fourty Seven Mandating The Poisonous Jabs Knowledge Of God Brings Eternal Life Death Isnt So Scary Anymore Invictus Sol The Lion And The Lamb https://imgur.com/gallery/ztGPJGS The Lord Is Here Coming To Restore The Eternal Kingdom The Blood Of The Lamb Contact With A God Revival Jesus The Annointed One the key to it all I Am The Holy Grail Sun Moon Earth Revelation Nine Spirit World I Am The One Lord Jesus Christ I Know All Codes And Connections The Wisdom Of God Word Of The Lord Quantum Entanglement Theory The Anunnaki Path Almighty God Roars Upon His Throne 173 Enoch Chapter Ninety Five Pyramids Have Hidden Chambers Music Is My Life Revelation Five Everyone Is God Forever Jesus Walking With God Vision Of Gabriel New Revelation Seven Wonders Symbiotic Craft Thank You James (my middle name is James) Words Of The Bible Isaiah Fourteen Thirteen Trumps Last Son He Is Jesus Crown Chakra God Is You Gods In A Body The Resurrection Of Life The Book Lj Enoch King Jesus Gods Wrath We Are At War Truth Hidden In Plain Sight Double Conciousness The Anointed Lay Dead On The Cross Dragon Of China Is The Anti Christ. A Seed Of Jesse Angelic Guidance Black Pyramid Hidden Truth In Plain Sight King Messiah Heavens Dream Let The Decoding Fun Begin Add Up Letters Notorious Names The Child Of Christ Aliens Exist Spirit Of Moses C E R T I F I C A T E Of Baptism Of The Lord Of Christ Alchemist Fluoride To Heaven God Is Number Codes Numerical Language Learning Decoding Is Fun The Lord Of The Messiah The Book Of Hidden Messages Eight Eight Eight Nine Nine Nine Lost Books Of The Bible Rna Vaccine Maternal Ancestors Are Of Royal Descent You Are Gifted Frequency Turn Off Your Smart Phone I Am Eternal Life David Christ Gods Son The Sound Of Jesus Coming Help Others Realize Full Potential Implants During Surgical Procedures The Solar System And Thoughts The Reincarnation Of King David King David Divine Dna Is Activated Jesus Returns To Earth The Lion Of Judah Is With Us (Steez would speak about Judah)
Jamal Dewar; psalm twenty three Jesus son of God Nathan Day Revelation fourteen one Spiritual warfare Gang Stalker (experienced this myself) Satanic Cults Commit Suicide forty seven problem Bloodline of Jesus Christ The End (when this came up my jaw dropped.) And the God of peace shall bruise Satan under your feet shortly The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you Amen The Holy Mother of Jesus christ Are you ready for whats coming july seventh twenty eighteen
Courtney Jamal Dewar, Jr: The Book Of Revelations Vibrational frequency MELBOURNE VICTORIA AUSTRALIA (where I live) Christ Resurrection Satan Rules The World The Divine Bloodline of Christ synchronization Biblical Prophecy Capital steez Exodus Luke The Divine Bloodline of David Second Christ The Return of Christ Jesus Resurrection Jesus Christ Bloodline
I added stuff from my name as it was so coincidental I didn't think to label them at first I just wrote down anything I thought added up This is just deep research into who reminds me of myself My instagram is mistapitty Listen to The Resurrection by Pitty https://on.soundcloud.com/Xn3nN
Listen to Revelation 22 by Pitty https://on.soundcloud.com/gBAja
Peep his song "Free The Robots" https://youtu.be/XcmR8DxuHBA
STEEZ has definitely made a positive impact on this world by introducing a new way of thinking and spirituality, even more of an impact than a lot of artists who are still alive... Capital STEEZ was 19 at the time of his death.
There are four gospel accounts of Jesus' life and ministry. Each of these emphasizes a unique aspect of his sacrifice and ministry. Matthew's focus is on Christ being the son of David and a King.
Look into the etymology of your name. - What Does Nathan Mean? The name Nathan means “Gift of God” or “God has given.” In the Old Testament, Nathan was a prophet and one of King David's sons; he acted as a messenger to King David and is considered one of Jesus' ancestors. (David name of my biological grandfather) (James is my middle name) - James is a classic, traditional and Biblical name (Saint James, of course, was Jesus's brother and one of the 12 apostles) meaning "supplanter" or "replacer." It's derived from the Latin Jacomus which also means "may God protect.
Every letter to Capital STEEZs full name calculates to 147 when done in reverse on the gematria calculator and mine equals to exactly 470 when done in reverse.
"Nathan James Cavanagh Sciarra" = 470 (Reverse Reduction) N a t h a n 104 13 26 7 19 26 13 J a m e s 87 17 26 14 22 8 C a v a n a g h 159 24 26 5 26 13 26 20 19 S c i a r r a 120 = 470 8 24 18 26 9 9 26 Reverse = 470
"Capital STEEZ" = 47 (Reduction) C a p i t a l 26 3 1 7 9 2 1 3 S T E E Z 21 = 47 1 2 5 5 8 Reduction = 47
"Courtney Everald Jamal Dewar" = 147 (Reverse Reduction) C o u r t n e y 41 6 3 6 9 7 4 4 2 E v e r e s t 41 4 5 4 9 4 8 7 J a m a l 35 8 8 5 8 6 D e w a r 30 = 147 5 4 4 8 9 Reverse = 147
On June 24th 2022: Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn are lining up in the pre-dawn sky, a planetary procession that could be seen above the eastern horizon And what’s even more remarkable about this month’s lineup is that the planets are arranged in their natural order from the sun. The best day to see the spectacle will likely be the morning of June 24 of 2022, weather permitting, as the planetary parade will be joined by the waning crescent moon. This is three days after the summer solstice (or winter in australia), which is June 21. What makes this so unique is the last time we had 5 planets aligned in this fashion, was in March of 1874.
All of the "classical" planets will be viewable in the early morning skies of June 24th 2022. Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn will be visible, all apparent to the naked eye even under urban light pollution. On the 24th, our moon will be situated between Venus and Mars, so you could say the Earth-Luna system will complete the "perfect" alignment. Under the darkest skies, one will be able to see seven planets in one sweeping gaze. The same year December 24th (25th in Australian time) the planets will align in their correct order outward from the sun for the second time this year, after a pre-dawn alignment in June was on my birthday. STEEZ is said to have died on the 24th of December 👉 https://imgur.com/gallery/0RVIxxA
In australian time it would've been the 25th as we are a day ahead
Alternatively, 25 December may have been selected owing to its proximity to the winter solstice because of its symbolic theological significance. After the solstice, the days begin to lengthen with longer hours of sunlight, which Christians see as representing the Light of Christ entering the world. This symbolism applies equally to the celebration of the Nativity of Saint John the Baptist on 24 June, near the summer solstice, based on John's remark about Jesus "He must increase; I must decrease." John 3:30 NRSV.[59] Now check out the following texts from the bible, they speak of the solstice here. 👉 https://imgur.com/gallery/0RVIxxA and I thought I should add this as it seemed to be quite a coincidence of the date i posted this somg and the content of the posts she made. It aligned with those geomatria calculations I made and i wish I could document snd explain why certain ones just synchronzie but it'd be to hard to comphrened.
"AFTER THE SOLSTICE, THE DAYS BEGIN TO LENGTHEN WITH LONGER HOURS OF SUNLIGHT, WHICH CHRISTIANS SEE AS REPRESENTING THE LIGHT OF CHRIST ENTERING THE WORLD. THIS SYMBOLISM APPLIES EQUALLY TO THE CELEBRATION OF THE NATIVITY OF SAINT JOHN THE BAPTIST ON 24 JUNE, NEAR THE SUMMER SOLSTICE, BASED ON JOHN'S REMARK ABOUT JESUS "HE MUST INCREASE; I MUST DECREASE." JOHN THE BAPTIST ANNOUNCES THE COMING OF THE LIGHT THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE, JOHN THE BAPTIST, ANNOUNCES THE COMING OF JESUS, THE COMING OF NEW TIMES, JOHN ANNOUNCES THAT GOD IS GRACIOUS TO HIS PEOPLE BY ANNOUNCING THE COMING OF THE SON OF GOD. BEHOLD, HE IS COMING WITH THE CLOUDS, AND EVERY EYE WILL SEE HIM, EVEN THOSE WHO PIERCED HIM; AND ALL THE TRIBES OF THE LAND WILL MOURN OVER HIM.” –ZECHARIAH 12:10-14; DANIEL 7:13-14 SO IT IS TO BE. AMEN (AGREED, YESHUA HIMSELF IS THE AMEN 3:14). “I KEPT LOOKING IN THE NIGHT VISIONS, AND BEHOLD, WITH THE CLOUDS OF HEAVEN ONE LIKE A SON OF MAN WAS COMING."
John the Baptist day is 24th of June.
"The flower of life, represents global consciousness and like there's this thing on the consciousness grid, the last piece, it has to be the flower of life and it has to align with the sun and all that stuff and it will wake up global consciousness & as i further in my ascension I hope to build it one day" "Some people might think this type of thinking, first of all this type of thinking might jump over a lot of people's heads" "I think humans need to lighten up, maybe try lighten up" - STEEZ
Someone regarding STEEZ: "Did he think there were codes in the Bible or something? I’ve heard him say he knows the “code” does anyone know what the code is? He was a truly enlightened person I wish I could understand him better."
STEEZ supposedly said he had to die now in order to save the Earth in 2047, which is when the world is supposed to end. Before he killed himself his friends say he withdrew not only from them, but rap in general, saying he was going to become a superhero.
(My birthday)24th of June 1999 = 2+4+6+1+9+9+9 = 40 STEEZ birthday) 7th of July 1993 = 7+7+1,993 = 2007.) 40 + 2007 = 2047
Now read a conversation he had on Facebook prior to death https://www.kanyetothe.com/threads/rip-capital-steez.354864/page-42?post_id=16781894&nested_view=1&sortby=oldest#post-167818 His song Dead Prez (credit to who found these calculations as this wasn't mine) If you wanna conspire a little, we technically have had 46 different president so far, tho truly only 45 different guys have been in office. This year, if we elect a new president they will be our 47th prezident. You could say that happens when the next president is elected, or when the second new president is elected because then there'd actually be 47 different people. On the contrary, you could predict that once 47 presidents have died, something very significant will happen because the song is about DEAD presidents. It'll happen in most of our lifetimes i wonder what will happen 2047?
https://imgur.com/a/bOpRy
FORTY, THE NUMBER: "Forty days was the period from the resurrection of Jesus to the ascension of Jesus some scholars note that 40 days in the Bible doesn't always mean 40 days literally, but may be a symbolic way of saying "a longer time. A master number and part of the “awakening code”. Also Jose Arguelles’s kin is 11 – he brought forth the Law of Time aka the World Thirteen Moon Cale In the Bible, next to the number seven, the number forty occurs most frequently.
Here's an article on Fader that's kind of aligns some things I've discovered.
https://www.thefader.com/2013/11/26/capital-steez-king-capital
Check out these images, not a lot of people would've seen these: h ttp://i.imgur.com/nPE90.png / http://i.imgur.com/sHtdM.png / http://i.imgur.com/ZcNu2.png - he thought he was the alchemist that had the key for world peahttp://i.imgur.com/ZcNu2.png Deshay posted this on Facebook after his immediate death: "Fxck.... This shxt jus rly fxcked me up. Me and Steezus JUST made plans to record on Saturday now hes gone. RIP Capital STEEZ" Joey said he believed he sacrificed himself for spiritual rebirth.
The End THE WIDELY ACCEPTED STORY is that Courtney ‘Jamal’ Dewar committed suicide by jumping off the Cinematic Music Building in Manhattan on 23.12.12 – which equals 47, the rapper’s favourite number. None of the city’s newspapers reported his death. As a result of inconsistent stories and a lack of police intelligence, confusion surrounds the heart-breaking event for the Dewar family. In a 2013 interview with Fader, an anonymous member of Pro Era said, “STEEZ told some of the Pros that he was thinking of killing himself by jumping off the building where Cinematic had its offices.” Dirty Sanchez a close friend of the late rapper recalled, “Nothing was working. Nothing. It was like too late. He made up his mind already.”
Today I will be briefly explaining the practice of Gematria. Gematria comes from ancient Jewish mysticism. It is the practice of combining the letter with the number, with the word. It is said this is how God created the world.
How does it work? Gematria has 4 major ciphers. The first two are easy as ABC, literally. For example A=1 B=2 C=3. And so on. The code can also be read backward from Z to A. This is called reverse ordinal. There are two more ciphers that are equally important but a bit more nuanced so for the sake of clarity I’ll leave those explanations to the work of Zachary K Hubbard. But to put Gematria into usable terms I’m gonna explain a decode I did recently. If you want to decode a word or phrase without doing the math yourself, there is an extremely helpful calculator at gematrinator.com it will give you all four cipher values for your word or phrase in an instant, as well as compare it with corresponding ciphers. Without further ado let’s look at this example:
Here I will outline some interesting numbers that coincide with the rapper Capital STEEZ and the numbers surrounding the music industry as well as numbers that come up with race, and other things I found eye grabbing.
(Credit to another user on here) First off I’ll start with Capital STEEZ, The interesting number here is the full reduction number, 47. It’s eye grabbing for many reasons, but we’ll start with a little back ground. Before Capital STEEZ’s (aka Jamal Dewar) death (suicide) in 2012, STEEZ was apart of an up and coming rap group known as Progressive Era, or ProEra for short. A known staple among these young men were the belief in “47 chakras” and “indigo children”. The two are a topic on their own, but the interesting part is that such a powerful number in Jamal Dewar’s life also coincides with the Gematria of his rap name. But that’s not it! Let’s continue
Capital STEEZ English ordinal: 137
Full reduction: 47
Reverse ordinal: 187 ( see pushed off a roof)
Reverse full reduction :70
Now keep an eye on 70, as we shall see him more as well.
Next we will decode the gematria of the reported means of STEEZ’s death, suicide. This is where I admittedly started getting intrigued.
Gematria of Suicide:
English Ordinal: 70
Full reduction: 34
Reverse ordinal:119
Reverse full reduction: 47
Wow. The exact same values but flipped.
Just a mere coincidence I’m sure But let’s continue .
With these next two we will see two repeats of values, one new value, 88 and a previously used value, 34. As well as 65
Jamal Dewar
English ordinal: 88
Full reduction: 34
Reverse ordinal: 182
Reverse full reduction: 65 ————————— Phrase: pushed off the roof
English Ordinal: 187
Full reduction: 88
Reverse ordinal: 245
Reverse full reduction: 65
And the next term we will decode will be Jamal’s occupation of rapper. Here we will see a reverse of our main number in question, 47, which I’ve found to be reoccurring as well.
Rapper
English ordinal: 74
Full reduction: 38
Reverse ordinal: 88
Reverse full reduction: 34
I’m beginning to sense a bit of a pattern here... But let me move on Now it’s time to get a little spicy
Jamal Dewar commited suicide on the night of December 23, 2012, though his wiki has his death on the 24 I believe as it was around midnight. Many articles coming out about his death including one I read from thefader.com reported his death on the 23rd. I specifically remember this detail because I was a huge fan of his and Pro Era at the time and it was a huge loss to the community.
December is the 12th month
12
23
12
Care to guess what that equals?
Yep. 47
Here are some other related phrases put into the gematrinator calculator:
Brooklyn New York (where proera is from)
223 79 182 74
Suicide by fall 128 56 223 79
Are you seeing the synchronization of these seemingly unrelated words and phrases?.
The word murder and murdered both have synchronized gematria with Jamal. We also see another repeat with 38, also found in the full reduction of the word rapper.
Murder
English ordinal: 79
Full reduction: 34
Reverse ordinal: 83 (38 reverse)
Reverse full reduction: 38
Murdered ,interestingly enough, though only being two letters away from murder, is actually more closely related numerically to jamals name and the word rapper, But there are similarities abound. Murdered.
English ordinal: 88
Full reduction: 43 (34 reverse)
Reverse ordinal: 128
Reverse full reduction: 47
Wow. This one really stands out to me. Every single number code number is used in the over all code of Capital steez just in this one word.
We see the repeats of 88 and 47 as well as the reverse of 34 for the first time and a repeat in the numbers of 128, which we saw as 182 above.
This one is slightly unrelated so I left it sort of by itself but I still maintain it’s validity as it’s use in the music industry is still relevant. That is the word racist. Race is huge in the overall narrative that msm tries to portray.
Racist
English ordinal: 70
Full reduction:25
Reverse ordinal: 92
Reverse full reduction: 47
racist and suicide are perfect matches on the front end and back end. 70 and 47.
Here’s another nugget.
The phrase : jumped to his death
English ordinal: 178 (pushed off the roof 187)
Full reduction: 70 (pushed off the roof 88)
Reverse ordinal:254 (pushed off the roof 245)
Reverse full reduction :83 (pushed off the roof 65)
Leap also shares 34 and 84.
Suicided 74 38 142 52
Occult
English ordinal: 74
Full reduction: 20
Reverse ordinal:88
Reverse full reduction:34
3 more repeats
The year of his suicide was a leap year
Leap year
English ordinal:83 Full reduction: 38 Reverse ordinal:133 Full res verse reduction: 43
Target audience: 133 61 245 83 Suicidal: 78 33 138 57 Hidden mission: 142 70 209 74 Some of these numbers are conjecture but there’s a lot of links between the numbers. 47/74 being the one of the more prominent, as well as 83/38, 34/43, 70, 245/254, 88, 33, 29/92/209, 182/128 all of these numbers connect in one way or another. Now it wouldn’t mean much if we didn’t know more about the nature of these numbers and how and where they appear. But since these number keep popping up in accordance to things like CONTROL GRID or MYSTERY RELIGION or SUPREME MATHEMATICS it seems almost impossible for it to be mere coincidence. Anyways I urge you guys to think for yourself and put in some work and see if you can find any use of this practice. God bless
Ps:
STEEZ’s debut album ”amerikkkan korruption” Came out on 4-7-2012 another 47. Vibration equals 47
A theory out there is that the cabal needed him to die because STEEZ was really bringing influence to more and more young minds with knowledge and the way STEEZ attacked and exposed certain things is not a good thing for those in power, the label that Joey wanted to sign when they were pro era, was a Jewish man named Jonny Shipes. if you’ve extensively went down the “rabbit hole”, like extensively, and you’d say you’re pretty “woke” (I hate that word), then you may know that most labels especially Jewish owned labels are basically the portals into The Illuminati cult, the Jesuit organization that controls the entire world. Oh and remember the news outrage, and investigation because of the 47 “swa stikkas” all over NY, yea you think these Jonny Shipes fucked with that? Nah. But this is all speculation.
It wasn’t long after Capital STEEZ's unfathomable passing on 12/23/12 – 12+23+12 = 47), which was only days after December 21, 2012, the precise date calculated by the great Mayans to be the end of a Great Cycle, that I received knowledge & became aware of the Law of Time. This seemingly new cosmology felt ancient and I quickly realized it had EVERYTHING to do with Synchronicity! I even found the number 47 to be ever ubiquitous throughout this 13 Moon calendar system.
"The next chapter is unstoppable. And yet, the greatest revolutions sometimes originate from the confines of impossibility, do they not? Break the code. It could make a leap and make possible a decision that defines the order of things that are." " Reality is a mathematical model which gets solved over and over again by the observer your thoughts are computations. And they render this world for you to call your own. Not all processors are alike. Different brains produce different realities. The variations go from the subtle to the drastic. Your mind defines how much you can taste. How much you can feel. How much you can understand. Perception defines perspective. We designed you and made sure to engineer your senses so you could perceive just what we needed you to. Neither more nor less. There are parts of time we preferred you remained blind to. It was a necessity."
The Law of Time, I found to hold the most profound yet simple teaching; our Time is not Money, Time is Art. I was able to grasp a greater vision of how we as humans have created an artificial timing system where our time here equates to how much money we can accumulate, where we are constantly stressed by this false belief of our making, and where there is never enough time… This system of our making and continuous propagation has only served to separate us from our Selves, from each other, and ultimately, from nature. Hence, resulting in the chaos and disharmony prevalent in the world today.
What is the greatest common factor of 23 & 47? 1 is the greatest number that 23 & 47 is divided to. The Chosen One @mistapitty ㄣ

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Jhon Roux - Yearning [EP Recording] / Key Gm, BPM 124, 6:04, MP3 14.71 Mb
Johnny Pluse - Toastie [Blindsided] / Key Bm, BPM 110, 3:13, MP3 8.32 Mb
Jonyx, Camila Arach - This is Acid [Drillers Records] / Key Dbm, BPM 130, 6:02, MP3 15.08 Mb
Jonyx, Camila Arach - This is Acid (Remix) [Drillers Records] / Key Dbm, BPM 130, 5:56, MP3 14.86 Mb
Jovan Grios - Naturaleza [Cronos ES] / Key Cm, BPM 120, 6:24, MP3 15.83 Mb
Juan Mejia, Jemimah Eze - Juneau (Amazing) [Into the Cosmos] / Key Am, BPM 117, 5:00, MP3 12.29 Mb
Junior Souza, GUINNI - Get Out [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Abm, BPM 130, 5:55, MP3 14.77 Mb
Juram - Bambú [EP Recording] / Key Am, BPM 122, 8:09, MP3 19.72 Mb
KASIMOFF - My Last Word [Mark Music] / Key Am, BPM 90, 3:26, MP3 8.39 Mb
KTTK, Onacity - Bring the Nrg [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Fm, BPM 126, 4:38, MP3 11.72 Mb
Kholiqov - Feelings [EYRA Music] / Key Am, BPM 110, 2:40, MP3 6.57 Mb
Kim Kemi - Back Home (MHM 1 & Antony Difrancesco Remix) [Bump Music] / Key Am, BPM 124, 7:13, MP3 17.36 Mb
Konstantinus - French Is What I Need [BeatCode] / Key Abm, BPM 137, 6:48, MP3 16.44 Mb
Kooya - Electrolyte [BeatCode] / Key Bm, BPM 130, 6:24, MP3 15.50 Mb
KyoshII The Epic - The Weird - The Wonderful - Game Changer [BeatCode] / Key Em, BPM 136, 6:01, MP3 14.57 Mb
LSS - Perch [circuitbreaker] / Key Dbm, BPM 129, 7:56, MP3 19.81 Mb
Lask - Deepbush [circuitbreaker] / Key Db, BPM 142, 6:22, MP3 16.04 Mb
Lecture - Bionic [McCarty records] / Key Gm, BPM 124, 7:49, MP3 19.12 Mb
Lenata - Lisbon [BeatCode] / Key Gm, BPM 140, 5:29, MP3 13.30 Mb
Leopold Bär - TF02 [Ghost Program Records] / Key Abm, BPM 133, 5:47, MP3 14.12 Mb
Leopold Bär - TF02 (RSD-86 Remix) [Ghost Program Records] / Key Em, BPM 138, 6:20, MP3 15.41 Mb
Libellula - Lipstick Town (Nu Ground Foundation Classic Edit) [Rushmore] / Key Fm, BPM 124, 2:36, MP3 6.35 Mb
Libellula - Lipstick Town (Nu Ground Foundation Classic Mix) [Rushmore] / Key Ebm, BPM 124, 6:29, MP3 15.67 Mb
Libellula - Lipstick Town (Nu Ground Foundation Deep 'N' Low Dub) [Rushmore] / Key Dbm, BPM 124, 5:58, MP3 14.43 Mb
Lindsey Herbert - Control [circuitbreaker] / Key Cm, BPM 142, 6:08, MP3 15.48 Mb
Litchy & Smiley - It's Like [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Dbm, BPM 128, 5:46, MP3 14.43 Mb
Luca La Rocca - Don't Panic [Hidden Source] / Key Am, BPM 136, 5:42, MP3 13.88 Mb
Luiz Lazzaro - Can't Stop (DNO Remix) [Future Soundz] / Key Gm, BPM 127, 3:07, MP3 7.84 Mb
Lynne - Gno [Rave Nation Recordings] / Key Em, BPM 127, 5:18, MP3 12.75 Mb
M-Paths - Beach [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Eb, BPM 86, 6:22, MP3 15.42 Mb
M-Paths - Celestial [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key F#m, BPM 120, 6:32, MP3 15.82 Mb
M-Paths - Contemplate [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Gm, BPM 120, 4:19, MP3 10.53 Mb
M-Paths - Emerge [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 170, 6:03, MP3 14.66 Mb
M-Paths - Escaping the Humdrum [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Fm, BPM 116, 7:58, MP3 19.26 Mb
M-Paths - Grow Part Three [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Gm, BPM 120, 4:15, MP3 10.36 Mb
M-Paths - In No Hurry [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Bm, BPM 118, 9:06, MP3 22.01 Mb
M-Paths - In the Warmth [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key C, BPM 127, 3:20, MP3 8.18 Mb
M-Paths - On the Up [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 128, 6:23, MP3 15.46 Mb
M-Paths - Panoramic [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 113, 4:26, MP3 10.80 Mb
M-Paths - Reflect [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Fm, BPM 116, 5:38, MP3 13.70 Mb
M-Paths - Soaring [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Bm, BPM 120, 7:03, MP3 17.06 Mb
M-Paths - Submerge [Mighty Force Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 128, 5:32, MP3 13.44 Mb
MAPP4 - Brinca [Blackside] / Key Em, BPM 128, 5:45, MP3 14.03 Mb
MAPP4 - Bring Me Higher [Blackside] / Key Cm, BPM 127, 6:10, MP3 15.05 Mb
MLA.VU - My Bassline [Acid Positive +] / Key Bbm, BPM 135, 6:24, MP3 15.81 Mb
MLV - One More Night [Balloonz Records] / Key Am, BPM 126, 5:01, MP3 12.11 Mb
MMØ - Forbearance [Xelima Records] / Key Am, BPM 137, 5:16, MP3 13.47 Mb
MMØ - No Return [Xelima Records] / Key F#m, BPM 137, 5:30, MP3 14.04 Mb
MMØ - Still Missing [Xelima Records] / Key Bm, BPM 136, 5:27, MP3 13.90 Mb
MacX - Sunset Vibes [City Life Music] / Key Cm, BPM 119, 4:20, MP3 10.56 Mb
Maddrum - Decoder [Drak Records] / Key Bbm, BPM 133, 6:26, MP3 15.70 Mb
Malcolm Lewis - About Last Night [Flash Frequency Productions] / Key Am, BPM 124, 5:04, MP3 12.32 Mb
Malcolm Lewis - Groove Capital [Flash Frequency Productions] / Key Dm, BPM 120, 4:52, MP3 11.88 Mb
Malcolm Lewis - Groove Capital (Remix) [Flash Frequency Productions] / Key Em, BPM 120, 5:32, MP3 13.48 Mb
Marko Zalazar - Cassette [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Gm, BPM 127, 6:37, MP3 16.47 Mb
Martin Climax - Audio Communication [Sonic Tropic] / Key Am, BPM 124, 6:54, MP3 16.68 Mb
Martin Climax - Zakopane [Sonic Tropic] / Key Am, BPM 124, 6:58, MP3 16.93 Mb
Maty Badini - Excited [We Are Klexos] / Key Am, BPM 126, 5:22, MP3 12.99 Mb
Max V. - Mister DJ (Edit Mix) [Atop Records] / Key Em, BPM 120, 3:24, MP3 8.38 Mb
Max V. - Mister DJ [Atop Records] / Key Em, BPM 120, 4:52, MP3 11.90 Mb
Mikas - Crazy [Progressive Grooves Records] / Key Dm, BPM 128, 4:53, MP3 12.17 Mb
Mikhail Catan - Compassion [Deep Elite] / Key Cm, BPM 107, 6:30, MP3 15.91 Mb
Mr. Wilson and the French Ticklers - Hypnotic Longing [Craze Records] / Key Gm, BPM 137, 5:19, MP3 12.99 Mb
Mr. Wilson and the French Ticklers - Level Up [Craze Records] / Key Bm, BPM 92, 4:21, MP3 10.65 Mb
Mr. Wilson and the French Ticklers - Live Love Die [Craze Records] / Key Fm, BPM 124, 5:10, MP3 12.61 Mb
Mr. Wilson and the French Ticklers - One Shot [Craze Records] / Key Gm, BPM 124, 4:00, MP3 9.75 Mb
Mr. Wilson and the French Ticklers - We Could Live [Craze Records] / Key Cm, BPM 142, 2:52, MP3 7.13 Mb
Mr. Wilson and the French Ticklers - What Binds [Craze Records] / Key G, BPM 124, 5:10, MP3 13.10 Mb
Mr.lucky, Tech C - Mamababa (TC Dj Remix) [Neapolis Records] / Key Cm, BPM 93, 8:09, MP3 19.66 Mb
Mr.lucky, Tech C - Mamababa Groove (TC Dj Remix) [Neapolis Records] / Key Cm, BPM 93, 8:09, MP3 19.66 Mb
Mzade - Amerikaz [GeoPlay] / Key Dbm, BPM 100, 2:38, MP3 6.46 Mb
Naked Art - Drive To Cape Town (Ancient Roots Late Nite Mixx) [Deep In Ya Soul Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 121, 7:09, MP3 17.41 Mb
Naked Art - Drive To Cape Town (Demille Vaughnn's Afro-Room Remixx) [Deep In Ya Soul Recordings] / Key Bm, BPM 121, 6:53, MP3 16.74 Mb
Naked Art - Drive To Cape Town (Original Main) [Deep In Ya Soul Recordings] / Key Bm, BPM 109, 4:48, MP3 11.74 Mb
Neo - Suppressed Action [circuitbreaker] / Key Gm, BPM 142, 7:35, MP3 18.94 Mb
Neuron - Distant Memories [EYRA Music] / Key E, BPM 97, 4:15, MP3 10.35 Mb
OOOOØ ЯENDON - All Night [LETS TECHNO records] / Key Abm, BPM 150, 5:46, MP3 14.02 Mb
Ohsha Kai, Marc Jay - Space [Bump Music] / Key Bm, BPM 118, 7:05, MP3 17.06 Mb
Oldschool Dubtechno .Producer - Tree of Life [OHM Series] / Key Dm, BPM 124, 6:54, MP3 16.68 Mb
Oleg Evil - Aneroid [Diffuse Reality Records] / Key Gm, BPM 136, 5:25, MP3 13.38 Mb
Oleg Evil - Ataraxia [Diffuse Reality Records] / Key Gm, BPM 127, 4:32, MP3 11.28 Mb
Oleg Evil - Confusion [Diffuse Reality Records] / Key Gm, BPM 127, 5:55, MP3 14.61 Mb
Oleg Evil - Degeneration [Diffuse Reality Records] / Key F#m, BPM 138, 3:57, MP3 9.85 Mb
Oleg Evil - Disturbance of consciouness [Diffuse Reality Records] / Key Em, BPM 136, 4:42, MP3 11.69 Mb
Oleg Evil - Mental Retardation [Diffuse Reality Records] / Key Dbm, BPM 136, 4:35, MP3 11.41 Mb
Oleg Evil - Psycotherapy [Diffuse Reality Records] / Key F#m, BPM 136, 4:48, MP3 11.90 Mb
Oppose - String Theory [DRK records] / Key Am, BPM 146, 6:02, MP3 14.67 Mb
Oppose - Trinity [DRK records] / Key Gm, BPM 148, 6:08, MP3 14.93 Mb
Opposite - Undercover [Fuzion Music] / Key Am, BPM 128, 7:53, MP3 19.00 Mb
Panca Borneo - Escape The Reality [BRONEO RECORDS] / Key Fm, BPM 128, 3:23, MP3 8.23 Mb
Panca Borneo, Cliffrs - It's You [BRONEO RECORDS] / Key Fm, BPM 126, 3:33, MP3 8.77 Mb
Papa Tin - Realize (Instrumental Mix) [Dreams Come True Music] / Key Bm, BPM 110, 5:18, MP3 12.85 Mb
Papa Tin - Realize [Dreams Come True Music] / Key Bm, BPM 110, 5:18, MP3 12.85 Mb
Paripe - I dont need this [Epoque Music Electronic] / Key G, BPM 125, 5:03, MP3 12.34 Mb
Paripe - I dont need this (Remix) [Epoque Music Electronic] / Key Gm, BPM 125, 6:01, MP3 14.64 Mb
Pasiphaë Group - Aegaeon [OHM Series] / Key Fm, BPM 114, 6:28, MP3 15.65 Mb
Phyxx - Confused [Hidden Source] / Key Dm, BPM 138, 6:32, MP3 15.88 Mb
Play On Disco - Local Tribe [Klexos Records] / Key Dbm, BPM 119, 6:28, MP3 15.75 Mb
Play On Disco - Rancor [Klexos Records] / Key Am, BPM 119, 6:13, MP3 15.17 Mb
Politics Of Dancing - Let's Do This (Boris Werner's Bleep Remix) [Politics Of Dancing Digital] / Key Gm, BPM 127, 6:49, MP3 16.45 Mb
Politics Of Dancing - Let's Do This [Politics Of Dancing Digital] / Key Ebm, BPM 127, 1:46, MP3 4.33 Mb
Politics Of Dancing - Mamma [Politics Of Dancing Digital] / Key Cm, BPM 127, 7:07, MP3 17.18 Mb
Politics Of Dancing - Never Stop [Politics Of Dancing Digital] / Key C, BPM 127, 6:36, MP3 15.94 Mb
Pumping Alien - A Cid [Technological Records] / Key Gm, BPM 138, 5:38, MP3 13.73 Mb
Pumping Alien - Heat Light Pressure [Technological Records] / Key Abm, BPM 138, 6:58, MP3 16.95 Mb
Pumping Alien - Starlight Everywhere [Technological Records] / Key F#m, BPM 140, 5:05, MP3 12.44 Mb
PytRok - Loving Me [DeepShine Music] / Key Am, BPM 117, 3:58, MP3 9.82 Mb
RSD-86 - Enveloping (Leopold Bär Remix) [Ghost Program Records] / Key Dm, BPM 138, 5:09, MP3 12.60 Mb
RSD-86 - Enveloping [Ghost Program Records] / Key G, BPM 140, 5:32, MP3 13.52 Mb
Rafeex - Good Love [EYRA Music] / Key Am, BPM 100, 2:37, MP3 6.43 Mb
Rafeex - Never Get Over [EYRA Music] / Key Am, BPM 106, 3:49, MP3 9.29 Mb
Ramseen - Be My Valentine [EYRA Music] / Key Dm, BPM 110, 3:02, MP3 7.41 Mb
Ramseen - Future [EYRA Music] / Key Em, BPM 100, 2:23, MP3 5.95 Mb
Rei Borg - Ravers (With Don Viktoria) [BeatCode] / Key Am, BPM 138, 6:30, MP3 15.72 Mb
Renect - Drive Me Crazy [Twists Of Time] / Key Gm, BPM 124, 4:42, MP3 11.57 Mb
Reno Allen - Driven Body [For Groovers Music] / Key Bm, BPM 127, 7:05, MP3 17.21 Mb
Reno Allen - Lollipop [For Groovers Music] / Key Bbm, BPM 127, 7:07, MP3 17.28 Mb
Ricardo Motta - Remember [We Are Klexos] / Key Bm, BPM 123, 6:15, MP3 15.10 Mb
Rodle - Bad Boy [EYRA Music] / Key F#m, BPM 100, 2:38, MP3 6.43 Mb
Ross Roys - Follow the Music Flow [Ross Roys Records] / Key Am, BPM 140, 6:20, MP3 15.35 Mb
Rubito - Stromboli [We Are Klexos] / Key Dbm, BPM 125, 6:41, MP3 16.16 Mb
S/S - Dragged [Scarlet Carson Black] / Key Am, BPM 140, 6:51, MP3 16.85 Mb
S/S - Hide Vanguard [Scarlet Carson Black] / Key Fm, BPM 130, 6:54, MP3 16.93 Mb
S/S - Hypnus [Scarlet Carson Black] / Key Am, BPM 135, 6:12, MP3 15.25 Mb
S/S - Other Presence Spite [Scarlet Carson Black] / Key F#m, BPM 135, 6:10, MP3 15.18 Mb
S/S - Phobic [Scarlet Carson Black] / Key Ebm, BPM 135, 6:12, MP3 15.25 Mb
S/S - Viscerale [Scarlet Carson Black] / Key Gm, BPM 115, 6:12, MP3 15.26 Mb
SCTP, Zeta (ES) - Drown [Black Turtle Records] / Key Am, BPM 149, 6:40, MP3 16.07 Mb
SCTP, Zeta (ES) - Sweet Angels [Black Turtle Records] / Key Gm, BPM 147, 7:09, MP3 17.24 Mb
SONO (COL) - 4Pasos [EP Recording] / Key Gm, BPM 128, 8:30, MP3 20.55 Mb
SONO (COL) - Shom Lee [EP Recording] / Key Abm, BPM 127, 6:33, MP3 15.87 Mb
Sam Wave - Acid Trip [Ultrabeat Recordings] / Key B, BPM 131, 2:56, MP3 7.25 Mb
Sam Wave - Astronaut [Ultrabeat Recordings] / Key Abm, BPM 130, 2:57, MP3 7.30 Mb
Sam Wave - Last Call [Ultrabeat Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 129, 2:59, MP3 7.36 Mb
Sam Wave - Madness [Ultrabeat Recordings] / Key Gm, BPM 115, 3:20, MP3 8.23 Mb
Sam Wave - Pure Gold [Ultrabeat Recordings] / Key Dm, BPM 129, 2:59, MP3 7.36 Mb
Sam Wave - Something Different [Ultrabeat Recordings] / Key Cm, BPM 132, 2:55, MP3 7.20 Mb
Sam Wave - Sophia [Ultrabeat Recordings] / Key Abm, BPM 125, 3:04, MP3 7.58 Mb
Sami, Dj Pastis, Q-Byk, Dj Ninu - Feeling 7/17 [Hardtrance Squad] / Key Am, BPM 165, 5:36, MP3 13.61 Mb
Sansixto - Gt [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Bbm, BPM 129, 5:29, MP3 13.77 Mb
Sett - Take a Step Back [Nexus Recordings] / Key Dbm, BPM 128, 4:38, MP3 11.41 Mb
Shades Of Play - Habitual Linesteppers [Witty Tunes] / Key Gm, BPM 124, 7:15, MP3 17.96 Mb
Shades Of Play - True Story [Witty Tunes] / Key Em, BPM 123, 5:40, MP3 14.16 Mb
Shitake - My Girl's House [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Bm, BPM 128, 7:01, MP3 17.44 Mb
Siki - Half Night Stands [Siki] / Key Ab, BPM 128, 2:36, MP3 6.44 Mb
Solntsev - All Night All Right [Fast Crab Records] / Key Abm, BPM 125, 7:37, MP3 18.57 Mb
Solntsev - Be Myself [Fast Crab Records] / Key Em, BPM 125, 7:39, MP3 18.64 Mb
Solntsev - Do This to Me! [Fast Crab Records] / Key Dm, BPM 125, 6:49, MP3 16.62 Mb
Solntsev - Never Touch Me Like That [Fast Crab Records] / Key Em, BPM 127, 6:10, MP3 15.10 Mb
Solntsev - Tell Me Why [Fast Crab Records] / Key Dm, BPM 115, 7:29, MP3 18.22 Mb
Solntsev - Watch Me Dancing All the Time [Fast Crab Records] / Key Ebm, BPM 127, 6:26, MP3 15.72 Mb
Solntsev - Watch Me, I'm so Beauty [Fast Crab Records] / Key Bbm, BPM 125, 6:51, MP3 16.72 Mb
Spuri, Marcello V.O.R. - Wizard [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Abm, BPM 128, 5:30, MP3 13.79 Mb
Stateeast - Got His Gun [SMART Record's] / Key Gm, BPM 126, 5:20, MP3 12.97 Mb
Summing - I Will Wait (2024 Remake) [Summing Records] / Key Bbm, BPM 120, 7:09, MP3 17.35 Mb
Sunner Soul - Afro Jazzin' [Vintage Music Records] / Key Em, BPM 122, 6:24, MP3 15.51 Mb
Survival Mode, BLACK RABBIT (AR) - No Más de Dos [Happy Techno Limited] / Key Fm, BPM 131, 4:17, MP3 10.85 Mb
Sven Neawolf - Dein Herz [Neawolf Records] / Key F#, BPM 120, 4:46, MP3 11.59 Mb
Sven Neawolf - Gefrorenes Herz [Neawolf Records] / Key Gm, BPM 140, 4:48, MP3 11.66 Mb
Sven Neawolf - In meinen Gedanken [Neawolf Records] / Key Am, BPM 160, 3:57, MP3 9.62 Mb
Sven Neawolf - Leid in DnB [Neawolf Records] / Key Cm, BPM 121, 5:42, MP3 13.83 Mb
Terra4beat - Attention (Egrojj Rmx) [Krank Music] / Key Ebm, BPM 130, 7:17, MP3 17.76 Mb
Terra4beat - Attention (Hamelin Rmx) [Krank Music] / Key Dm, BPM 147, 6:45, MP3 16.47 Mb
Terra4beat - Attention (Meteoro Rmx) [Krank Music] / Key Dm, BPM 130, 6:00, MP3 14.68 Mb
Terra4beat - Attention [Krank Music] / Key Bm, BPM 132, 5:26, MP3 13.29 Mb
Tony Zarr - Espera [Nexus Recordings] / Key Am, BPM 126, 4:34, MP3 11.28 Mb
Torres De Lara - La Mezcla [Sativa Music] / Key Gm, BPM 125, 9:44, MP3 23.41 Mb
Uun - Atrahasis [Ego Death] / Key Am, BPM 138, 5:54, MP3 14.55 Mb
Uun - Double Aspect [Ego Death] / Key F#m, BPM 138, 5:44, MP3 14.15 Mb
Uun - Ouroboros [Ego Death] / Key Em, BPM 138, 5:30, MP3 13.60 Mb
Uun - Sight Unseen [Ego Death] / Key Abm, BPM 138, 5:39, MP3 13.96 Mb
Uun - The Upside of Losing Everything [Ego Death] / Key Bm, BPM 138, 6:15, MP3 15.41 Mb
Uun - You Can't Have Both [Ego Death] / Key F#m, BPM 140, 6:00, MP3 14.80 Mb
Vadim Antonov - Gravity Of The Night [Young Technic] / Key Gm, BPM 130, 6:54, MP3 16.88 Mb
Vernucci - Bajo Y Profundo [Hidden Source] / Key Gm, BPM 136, 5:42, MP3 13.90 Mb
Wermoont - Magic Land [Nexus Recordings] / Key Abm, BPM 125, 4:46, MP3 11.76 Mb
White Cat Project - Breakzz (original mix) [Vibetek Records] / Key Bbm, BPM 126, 7:11, MP3 17.48 Mb
White Cat Project - Little Trip to África (original mix) [Vibetek Records] / Key Cm, BPM 126, 8:23, MP3 20.38 Mb
White Cat Project - Love Tension (original mix) [Vibetek Records] / Key Ebm, BPM 126, 8:10, MP3 19.85 Mb
Yuuta - Bam Bam [EP Recording] / Key Dm, BPM 133, 5:47, MP3 14.02 Mb
Yuuta - He Is Cando [EP Recording] / Key Am, BPM 131, 6:06, MP3 14.81 Mb
Yuuta - Jeffer Is Alive [EP Recording] / Key Am, BPM 127, 5:37, MP3 13.61 Mb
eMe Castro - Fucking Groove [We Are Klexos] / Key Ebm, BPM 125, 5:43, MP3 13.84 Mb
iPunkz - Around [IPUNKZ MUSIC] / Key Fm, BPM 100, 2:25, MP3 6.13 Mb
membran 66 - Acidtech [Ome-Records] / Key F#m, BPM 130, 6:31, MP3 16.02 Mb
w jara - First Time [EP Recording] / Key Fm, BPM 128, 5:30, MP3 13.35 Mb
​
DOWNLOAD - progonlymusic com

I spent my years as a little girl trying so hard to be anything else OTHER than "just a little girl" because I was raised in a heavily religious and Latino household where being born a girl basically determined that you'd be forgotten and ignored. Any accomplishments you put in the effort to complete in the hopes of maybe some sort of parental attention was almost always steamrolled over to make room for other sub-par things your brother, uncles, or nephews did.
So I became this little angry girl who studied hard. Up until puberty at 11 quickly beat my spirit to pieces with a wave of depression that wouldn't ever fully go away or recede far enough into the horizon enough for me to get comfortable ever again in my skin without fear of drowning in my own emotions that at that time I simply labeled "useless and stupid."
I was 5 years old when I remember my Dad ripping and cutting these little heart shaped dangly charms off of the hem of a pastel printed dress I really liked. He didn't like that they skimmed my little kid ankles. He called the outfit "whore practice" clothing and made sure I knew only girls "asking for bad attention" wore "outfits like that." I quickly stopped wearing my earrings too as he once yelled at my mom so hard about the size of these tiny hoop earrings she had once put on me. He accused my mom of buying me "adult" earrings so after that she never got me another pair. To make matters worse he abused my mother, oftentimes ruining her dresses and outfits too because he claimed she was "dressing to get another man" so she could leave.
I had to be the strong one, at 7 years old. I would sometimes watch Cardcaptor Sakura (when it aired in English in the U.S., late 90s/early 00's) or Sailor Moon and I would draw pictures of what I imagined I would look like if I had a cool magical dress. These girls got to fight crime while being pretty. Pam Grier could fight crime and look gorgeous, but I had to watch her in secret on my own time. Tarantino really hit me hard with how strong he makes his female leads too. I mean sure yeah weirdo foot stuff, but Uma Thurman is depicted as this angel faced beautiful charming woman but who is dedicated and deadly and can kill if her life is at stake or anyone tries to get in her way. The women in Death Proof totally kicked ass while being pretty at the same time. I had a girl crush on She-Ra and also on Star Fire and Lady Death from the horror comics my uncle would borrow and I'd find, not even realizing how raunchy the art was. The women were strong. The women were fiercely beautiful. They could fight.
My mom would then marry another idiot when I was 10. A conservative raised little mommy's boy shit stain of a man who took joy in picking on literal children for things they could not control. Total narcissist. His mom was a 1950's housewife who had passed away but her control over how he dressed and acted eventually spilled onto me. Why am I in a dress today? which boy am I trying to impress? Nevermind that it's 96 degrees Fahrenheit in a middle school with no A/C, I MUST be wearing a knee length skirt at 12 because OBVIOUSLY a boy told me to wear it so he could touch me.....there was no rational thinking. I was taught that being even a little feminine or expressing femininity was a definite horrendous declaration of "omgeee please touch me, I'm stupid and want 100 babies!!!" By 14 years old I didn't own a single other skirt or dress except for some black dresses meant for funerals and one white skirt I buried in the back of the closet.
I ate my feelings. I ate and ate and ate and ate because I felt so empty. I was limited from 14 to 17 to only big flared oversized jeans and boys tshirts. My stepfather was a big believer in clearing your plate plus he just loved food. He was over 400 lbs himself, and while my siblings and I didn't go to regular doctors exams we simply just gained weight recklessly as we would be punished for leaving anything behind on our plates while our stepfather would make weekly $300 purchases on more and more and more just food food food. So then, at 14, I just had no idea I would never see 225lbs again until over a decade later. By 16 I was nearing 300 lbs and wanted to die. I was watching other more normal healthy weighted girls grow into beautiful women all around me. Filling out dresses, wearing cute tops, actually being able to purchase clothing they liked with no worries. I'll never forget shopping for the dress I wore for my Senior Yearbook photos. My mom planned a "girls day out" for us to go and find a dress at a mall. I was ecstatic. I asked my mother maybe 15 times if she was SURE and CERTAIN we were going to get me a dress. The literal DAY OF the trip my stepfather had a "change of heart" and insisted the entire family go to the mall together. I found a dress. Bright Teal/Blue. Checker patterned. It had a wide rounded scoop neck, a very flowy skater-type skirt, and the Mannequin at the store had the dress paired with red flats and these beautiful blue-bird earrings. I put the dress on and in that instant I just felt so pretty that I almost forgot who I was and out loud asked "are you FUCKING serious?!" when I stepped out of the fitting room with it on and my stepdad just kept loudly snorting and laughing at me. He made me put that beautiful dress back and honestly my heart was so broken that even 7 years ago when I was 25 I was still actively looking for it on Mercari and at other Plus Size secondhand clothing sites. I ended up wearing this absolutely hideous brown and beige old woman slip style wrap dress with this ugly tacky red border. I looked like someone's secretary job having mom and the dress just further highlighted my lack of actual breasts and lack of a waist. So when Prom rolled around and my stepfather even TRIED suggesting this big shiny pretty pearlescent pink ballgown for me I bit back and DEMANDED all black. I was pissed. I had no date. I let my mom buy the Prom dress out of spite and even afterwards I cut it to pieces just for shits and giggles because I was so angry.
Then one day I actually followed through with my threats and ran away from home. I was free for the first time at 17! I could wear what I wanted!
Except I couldn't because I proceeded to pursue toxic relationships with controlling narcissistic men because of the way I was raised. The first guy insisted that me wearing a dress meant he could just have me be "free use" which I hated back then, I didn't know anything much about sex at all as I was sheltered and constantly grounded for minor shit. I totally just was not ready to be cutting potatoes for breakfast in a nightgown at 5 a.m. just to find myself mid-sex with potato skins still stuck on my hand while I'm trying to get the person to just STOP for like ONE SECOND so I can get on with wtf I was doing. FFs. The second guy decided that me wanting to wear a lot of bright colors meant he could belittle me for "listening to goth music but dressing like a total narc fed", except he would hit me. Like we were once just walking. Literally JUST walking. I was wearing just plain old brown flipflops and ran out of clothes so I threw on my old white skirt. I forgot it had little sequins sewn onto the hems. It started raining so I asked for his jacket so I could cover the skirt so it wouldn't get wet and become see through and he proceeded to slap and punch me "for making stupid decisions" and then belittled the sequins and shit as "little girly" details and decorations that I apparently should have known better than to dare to throw on just to walk to the corner store at 6 in the evening on a summer day. The skirt was ankle length, long as shit. Then I met the third guy who decided that any time I so much as wore anything that wasn't pants, it meant I was cheating. I stuck around in THAT relationship for 6 long grueling years. We didn't sleep in the same bed anymore after the second year as he would belittle me for my weight and lack of femininity, but then anytime I wore a dress it would turn into a fist fight. He would say that me wearing a dress in the house was me feeling guilty for cheating and trying to "look cuter than I normally am" so he wouldn't hurt me. He really messed my brain up. Around that time I was so desperately alone and withdrawn from everyone and everything that I would often spend weeks and weeks with no positive human interaction other than cashiering at my job I hated. I would lie and say I was working just to actually take the bus freely all over the city and I would buy cheap nightgowns from secondhand stores to wear in my room at night while I did college homework. I wasn't allowed to wear makeup with him, I wasn't allowed to wear dresses or anything pretty. Like a sad little child I would time when I knew he had to get online to play his video games and I would use that time to put on a whole face of makeup, shave my legs and wear the nightgowns just to "pretend" I was a very feminine and pretty woman in her own apartment enjoying life. It always made me cry to have to shower afterwards and take the makeup off.
I was 31 and had just been fired from one job while working my first day at a new one. I'm not sure what happened in that instant or maybe if I just had an "oh shit" moment but I just had a strong urge at that moment to just wear a dress again. I had a long week of nonstop dreaming and thinking about my 20s. How sad is it that society tries as hard as it can to make us think that our 20s are supposed to be this MAGICAL time you can NEVER get back? My 20s were so bad I'd literally probably actually toss myself off a bridge if I woke up and realized this was a dream and I'm actually still 22, homeless, dating a total shitbag who hits me, and being too traumatized to just stand up and DO SOMETHING. I also feel like there needs to be more of an understanding that not everyone's 20s are going to be awesome. My mother is a jealous asshole and didn't like that I dated three men in my 20s. She straight up believed it should be one and done since she hated herself for divorcing my Dad but SHE needed to understand that not everyone is just hunky dory OKAY with settling for the first smarmy toad that lands in their pond. I'll never forget her little shit eating grin and face when I brought #4 home and she said "oh sweetie I just hope you one day find someone who can just get your toes to curl." She thought all the break ups were strictly sex related. I asked her and she just steamrolled over it with "well you cant just dump everyone the second they turn you down for sex or ask for more, sometimes you need to be patient!" Like excuse me? Ah yes because as a woman in her 20s it was *impossible* for anyone to think that most of my break ups were about my money being stolen, people not keeping a job, apartments always having "surprise new roommates" that never clean their messes, or straight up abuse. Nope. Both of my parents and most of my relatives apparently assumed any break up between 20-somethings is just "lol, the sex is bad." As if we don't have any sort of character depth to us.
So I guess the point of this is that I am beyond grateful that 31 and 32 coming soon here are bringing me these sudden realizations that I probably should've had in my 20s. Its liberating to wear a damned dress to work and not WORRY about 1478349237498743987 scenarios that can go wrong. Its so much fun to finally fully dive into makeup and what different things do and what they're for. I feel like when I dress up and feel good about myself its truly just for me and it brings me joy. Not even 6 years ago I would have been absolutely panicking about the dresses in my closet I've collected but today I finally wore one outside. Its a skater dress and very flowy and I feel pretty and unafraid. I feel like I can do anything even dressed this way. I feel like this is what being in your 30s is supposed to be. Finally not giving a shit what other people think and accepting that different people feel pretty doing different things. Wearing a dress or dressing up shouldnt make you feel powerless

Context: each year, my family rents an apartment for a week-long getaway at the coast. My partner and I usually drop by for a night and then we all leave together. This happened a week or two ago, at said getaway.
So this year's the first time my parents brought their young dog along. He's a very good boy, definitely a little spoiled but well behaved. The thing is, this good boy occasionally gets some salmon oil mixed under his dry food to maintain his shiny coat (and stinky fish-breath).
We arrive, walk around a bit, and then decide it's time for dinner. The others have already eaten so it's just my boyfriend and I on a mission to get a generous portion of fries. As one does, I retreat to the small kitchen connected to the living / dining room area to wash my hands before eating.
I'm faced with a bottle of dish soap and a smaller dispenser with the label facing away. My brain, finding it a bit weird that the dispenser has a plastig baggie around it but not at all deterred, decides it must be hand soap my grandma brought along. I push the pump all the way down and start washing my hands.
Nothing seems off for a few seconds.. and then I feel it. This soap feels much greasier than it should. And is that a fishy smell? I keep rubbing my hands together under the water, hoping to rinse the "soap" off, but the greasy feeling remains. Finally, I turn the dispenser around and find the words 'salmon oil' staring back at me.
My boyfriend walks in to witness my shame and, bless his heart, kindly advises me to wash the oil off with dish soap. Thankfully the smell didn't linger and the neither the dog nor my parents noticed a thing.
TL;DR: used a dog's salmon oil supplement instead of dish soap and faced the fishy consequences. Always read the label before using a random dispenser you found

DAY: May 19 2024

• 5-19-2024 ILLNESS TOOK AWAY HER VOICE. AI CREATED A REPLICA SHE CARRIES IN HER PHONE Alexis Bogan, whose speech was impaired by a brain tumor, uses an AI powered smartphone app to create a audible drink order at a Starbucks drive-thru on Monday, April 29, 2024, in Lincoln, R.I. The app converts her typed entries into a verbal message created using her original voice. Credit: AP Photo/Steven Senne The voice Alexis “Lexi” Bogan had before last summer was exuberant. She loved to belt out Taylor Swift and Zach Bryan ballads in the car. She laughed all the time—even while corralling misbehaving preschoolers or debating politics
• 5-19-2024 SMART CONTACT LENSES LEAD THE WAY FOR HUMAN-MACHINE INTERACTION Scientists have developed eye-tracking smart content lenses based on radio frequency tags that can be used for various applications, including health care and augmented reality (AR). The lenses are biocompatible and imperceptible, requiring no battery or conventional silicon chips. Smart contact lenses that can keep track of various health factors and can be used for human-machine interaction (HMI) are a relatively new technology.
• 5-19-2024 INTEL EXEC ON BRINGING ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE INTO THE WORKPLACE Artificial intelligence is just about everywhere you look these days—including the workplace. That means training staff about the technology and using it responsibly is critical. It’s a tall order, especially as the commercialization of generative AI continues its rapid growth. Now some tech players have kickstarted initiatives in hopes of meeting that need. Christy Pambianchi, chief people officer at Intel, recently spoke with The Associated Press about how the semiconductor chip maker is expanding AI education programming beyond the company’s walls—as well as best practices around
• 5-19-2024 JUST BELIEVING THAT AN AI IS HELPING BOOSTS YOUR PERFORMANCE, STUDY FINDS Sometimes it seems like an AI is helping, but the benefit is actually a placebo effect—people performing better simply because they expect to be doing so—according to new research from Aalto University. The study also shows how difficult it is to shake people’s trust in the capabilities of
• 5-19-2024 FEMALE HEALTH APPS MISUSE HIGHLY SENSITIVE DATA, STUDY FINDS Apps designed for female health monitoring are exposing users to unnecessary privacy and safety risks through their poor data handling practices, according to new research from King’s College London and University College London (UCL). In the most extensive evaluation of the privacy practices of female health apps to date, researchers found apps that handle medical and fertility data are coercing users into entering sensitive information that could put them at risk.
• 5-19-2024 OPENAI GIVES CHATGPT NEW POWERS TO SEE, HEAR OpenAI and Microsoft are in a heated rivalry with Google to be generative AI’s major player, but Facebook-owner Meta and upstart Anthropic are also making big moves to compete. OpenAI on Monday released a higher performing and even more human-like version of the artificial intelligence technology that underpins its popular generative tool ChatGPT, making it free to all users. The update to OpenAI’s flagship product landed a day before Google is expected to make its own announcements about Gemini, the search engine giant’s own AI tool that competes with ChatGPT
• 5-19-2024 CHATBOTS TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR, RESEARCHERS FIND Chatbots share limited information, reinforce ideologies, and, as a result, can lead to more polarized thinking when it comes to controversial issues, according to new Johns Hopkins University–led research. The study challenges perceptions that chatbots are impartial and provides insight into how using conversational search systems could widen the public divide on hot-button issues and leave people vulnerable to manipulation. “Because people are reading a summary paragraph generated by AI, they think they’re getting unbiased, fact-based answers,”
• 5-19-2024 STUDENTS, ACTIVISTS, ENTERTAINERS: MINECRAFT’S GLOBAL APPEAL Since the first version of Minecraft was released to the public 15 years ago, the block-based world-building game has become a global phenomenon. Since the first version of Minecraft was released to the public 15 years ago, the block-based world-building game has become a global phenomenon. Players of all ages and backgrounds have used the game for everything from educational projects and architecture to building communities and creating artwork. With more than 300 million copies sold, it is the best-selling video game of all time.
• 5-19-2024 SWISS NURSERY LETS ROBOT DO THE TALKING Swiss children in a Lausanne creche have some fun with their new robot friend, Nao. Sat in a circle on the nursery floor, a group of Swiss three-year-olds ask a robot called Nao questions about giraffes and broccoli. By the time these children become adults, interacting with robots may well be as commonplace as using a smartphone, experts believe. So one Lausanne creche has decided to give them a head start.
• 5-19-2024 EU TO ENCOURAGE INFLUENCERS TO HAVE ‘POSITIVE’ IMPACT Younger audiences increasingly get their information from influencers as they turn away from traditional media. The EU announced steps Tuesday to encourage influencers to post content that has a “positive” impact on society, as concerns rise over disinformation in a fragmented information landscape. With online creators increasingly the preferred source of news and opinions for younger audiences in the European Union, Brussels said they needed to be helped to use their role wisely. Ministers from EU countries responsible for culture, audiovisual and media issues approved a series of steps
• 5-19-2024 THE METAVERSE COULD CHANGE OUR RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCES, AND CREATE NEW ONES New technologies have always informed and changed our religious experiences. Listening to early radio broadcasts in the 1880s was experienced by many as religious because radio voices seemed to come from some other dimension. Séances became wildly popular at the time because it was thought by some that radio had opened a door to the spirit world. Today, religion is experiencing new transformations. The information-rich, image-laden character of the internet can provide new ways to understand and explain religious activity.
• 5-19-2024RESEARCH SHEDS LIGHT ON THE WEB OF TRUST, PRIVACY AND SAFETY FACTORS SHAPING USERS’ EXPERIENCES ON FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE Love it or hate it, Facebook Marketplace is the largest online resale site today with more than one billion monthly users.
• 5-19-2024RESEARCH SHEDS LIGHT ON THE WEB OF TRUST, PRIVACY AND SAFETY FACTORS SHAPING USERS’ EXPERIENCES ON FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE Google on Tuesday rolled out a retooled search engine that will frequently favor responses crafted by artificial intelligence over website links, a shift promising to quicken the quest for information while also potentially disrupting the flow of money-making internet traffic. The makeover announced at Google’s annual developers conference will begin this week in the U.S. when hundreds of millions of people will start to periodically see conversational summaries
• 5-19-2024 NEW STRATEGIC DESIGN APPROACH FOCUSES ON TURNING AI MISTAKES INTO USER BENEFITS More and more often, automated lending systems powered by artificial intelligence (AI) reject qualified loan applicants without explanation. Even worse, they leave rejected applicants with no recourse. People can have similar experiences when applying for jobs or petitioning their health insurance providers. While AI tools determine the fate of people in difficult situations daily, Upol Ehsan says more thought should be given to challenging these decisions or working around them. Ehsan, a Georgia Tech explainable AI (XAI) researcher, says many rejection cases are not the applicant’s fault.
• 5-19-2024 MANAGING SCREEN TIME BY MAKING PHONES SLIGHTLY MORE ANNOYING TO USE Existing apps for managing screen time can abruptly lock users out of their phone. If users were in the middle of an important task, they could scramble to skip the time limit, opening themselves up to spend more time on their phone than originally intended. InteractOut’s interventions are more gradual and allow users to decide when to put down their phones while also encouraging them to think harder about their smartphone use.
• 5-19-2024 DIGITAL TWIN HELPS OPTIMIZE MANUFACTURING SPEED WHILE SATISFYING QUALITY CONSTRAINTS Feedrate optimization using an uncertainty-aware digital twin demonstrates significant cycle time reductions of up to 38% in a CNC machine tool while staying close to the error tolerances compared to the existing methods. A new method uses a digital twin to optimize manufacturing machine speed—known as feed rate—while adhering to quality constraints,
• 5-19-2024 THE INCREASING DIFFICULTY OF DETECTING AI- VERSUS HUMAN-GENERATED TEXT Generative artificial intelligence (AI) tools are used to create text, images and videos, impacting the way society consumes and produces online content. As that technology continues to evolve, it is becoming increasingly difficult to tell the difference between AI-generated and human-generated content. Determining the integrity of online information—particularly text—is the current research focus in the Penn State Information Knowledge and wEb (PIKE) Lab, led by Dongwon Lee, professor in the College of Information Sciences and Technology at Penn State. In a discussion with Penn State News, Lee spoke about the
• 5-19-2024 RESEARCH TEAM WORKS TO IMPROVE AI-BASED DECISION-MAKING TOOLS FOR PUBLIC SERVICES More and more public services—such as affordable housing, public school matching and child welfare—are relying on algorithms to make decisions and allocate resources. So far, much of the work that has gone into designing these systems has focused on workers’ experiences using them or communities’ perceptions of them. But what about the actual impact of these programs have on people, especially when the decisions the systems make lead to denial of services? Can you design algorithms to help people make sense of and contest decisions that significantly impact them?
• 5-19-2024 CINEMATIC TOOLS CAN SIGNIFICANTLY IMPROVE USER EXPERIENCE IN VIRTUAL REALITY ENVIRONMENTS Without teleportation, many users would be unable to use virtual reality due to motion sickness. Unfortunately, teleportation can cause users to miss important aspects of their surroundings. Credit: Alan Medlar Cinematography techniques can significantly increase user engagement with virtual environments and, in particular, the aesthetic appeal of what users see in virtual reality.
• 5-19-2024 HUMAN DIFFERENCES IN JUDGMENT LEAD TO PROBLEMS FOR AIThe noise level observed in ComVE annotations when controlling the minimum (a) and maximum (b) allowable labels for each turker (we omit the residual in these two figures as, similar to what was observed earlier for TG-CSR, it was nearly coincidental with the level noise curve). We also report the statistics of statements categorized by the number of annotation labels under different cutoff methods used for screening participating annotators
• 5-19-2024 HUMAN DIFFERENCES IN JUDGMENT LEAD TO PROBLEMS FOR AI Innovation is rarely accidental. Behind every new invention and product, including the device you are using to read this story, is years of research, investment, and planning. Organizations that want to reach these milestones in the fastest and most efficient way possible use technology roadmaps.
• 5-19-2024 HUMAN DIFFERENCES IN JUDGMENT LEAD TO PROBLEMS FOR AI A team of researchers at Delft University of Technology has developed a drone that flies autonomously using neuromorphic image processing and control based on the workings of animal brains. Animal brains use less data and energy compared to current deep neural networks running on graphics processing units (GPUs).
• 5-19-2024 US SENATORS UNVEIL ‘ROADMAP’ TO AI LAWS Top US lawmakers on Wednesday said efforts to pass laws governing AI were entering a higher gear and hoped to pump $32 billion into the sector to help assure US dominance. US Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said bipartisan legislators had agreed on a policy roadmap and had tasked key senate committees to draft specific proposals on regulating AI. The US is home to the biggest AI companies in the world and has trailed the EU and other regions on coming up with rules to rein in the sector.
• 5-19-2024 US SENATORS UNVEIL ‘ROADMAP’ TO AI LAWS Google chief executive Sundar Pichai says the AI revamp of its online search engine will soon spread to countries other than the United States. Google’s use of artificial intelligence to sum up answers to search queries has publishers wondering if traffic to their websites will wither. The internet titan announced Tuesday it is introducing AI-generated answers to online queries in the United States, in one of the biggest changes to its world-leading search engine in 25 years.
• 5-19-2024 CONSUMER GROUPS ACCUSE TEMU OF MANIPULATING ONLINE SHOPPERS Chinese shopping app Temu has on average around 75 million monthly active users in the EU. European consumer groups on Thursday accused Chinese shopping app Temu of using “manipulative techniques” to make users spend more and other violations of a landmark EU tech law. One of the fastest-growing apps, Temu only entered the EU market in April 2023 and says it has on average around 75 million monthly active users in the 27-country bloc. Europe’s BEUC umbrella consumer rights group filed a complaint with the European Commission while 17 member
• 5-19-2024 PARENTS UNDERESTIMATE THE PRIVACY RISKS KIDS FACE IN VIRTUAL REALITY Nearly two thirds of parents of children aged 5–10 don’t understand the metaverse, according to the Institution of Engineering and Technology. Credit: Kampus Production/Pexels/public domain Virtual reality lets kids play 3D games with their friends as avatars, go back in time, even journey to outer space, all without leaving their living rooms. But while children are immersed in the metaverse, they also face privacy risks that their parents might not recognize
• 5-19-2024 MODEL DISGORGEMENT—THE KEY TO FIXING AI BIAS AND COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT? By now, the challenges posed by generative AI are no secret. Models like OpenAI’s ChatGPT, Anthropic’s Claude and Meta’s Llama have been known to “hallucinate,” inventing potentially misleading responses, as well as divulge sensitive information, like copyrighted materials.
• 5-19-2024 CAN WE RID ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE OF BIAS? AI giants face a challenge of making artficial intelligence models reflect the world’s diversity without being overly politically correct. Artificial intelligence built on mountains of potentially biased information has created a real risk of automating discrimination, but is there any way to re-educate the machines? The question for some is extremely urgent. In this ChatGPT era, AI will generate more and more decisions for health care providers, bank lenders or lawyers, using whatever was scoured from the internet as source material.
• 5-19-2024 CHATGPT IS NOW BETTER THAN EVER AT FAKING HUMAN EMOTION AND BEHAVIOR OpenAI executive Mira Murati launching GPT-4o. Credit: OpenAI Earlier this week OpenAI launched GPT-4o (“o” for “omni”), a new version of the artificial intelligence (AI) system powering the popular ChatGPT chatbot. GPT-4o is promoted as a step towards more natural engagement with AI. According to the demonstration video, it can have voice conversations with users in near real-time, exhibiting human-like personality and behavior. This emphasis on personality is likely to be a point of contention. In OpenAI’s demos, GPT-4o sounds friendly, empathetic and engaging. It tells “spontaneous” jokes, giggles, flirts
• 5-19-2024 MOST PEOPLE STILL THINK BARRISTERS NEED TO SOUND POSH, RESEARCH SHOWS—BUT ACCENT DISCRIMINATION SERVES NO ONE In the UK legal system, a barrister’s job is to present formalized legal arguments in court and at tribunals. Training to become one, therefore, involves considerable focus on oral skills. It is considered important that barristers have the ability to speak “eloquently.” This risks people thinking there is a “correct” way of speaking in order to be successful in this career. Accents, of course, play an important role here. Accent-based bias discriminates against speakers with non-standard accents—people whose speech differs from Received Pronunciation (RP).
• 5-19-2024 A MINUTE’S SILENCE IS FINE BUT WHEN IT COMES TO VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN, BEING QUIET ISN’T ENOUGH Sport has a role to play in creating a culture of respect, yet women in sport are often seen as “less than” on almost every measure: salaries, sponsorship, broadcasting, leadership, access, media, coaching, officiating, uniforms and support. Research shows 3 out of 4 Australian men are gender equality supporters, but very few (17%) prioritize taking any action. As Australia grapples with a “national crisis” of violence against women, what can men in sport do to help?
• 5-19-2024 ARE CANADIANS TOO POOR TO BREAK UP? Why did Al and Peg Bundy from the sitcom Married… with Children never get divorced? After all, they were rarely happy and constantly arguing. Maybe they felt they were the best they could do for each other—a middle-aged homely shoe salesman and a stay-at-home mom with two kids. They cared for each other, but they also hated each other deeply. And neither ever cheated, despite having the opportunity. However, what if the Bundys lived in Canada today?
• 5-19-2024 REPORT LOOKS AT ‘POVERTY STIGMA’ THROUGH A NEW LENS TO STAMP IT OUT OF SOCIETY Stigma is a glue that holds poverty, inequality and economic insecurity in place enabling and exacerbating inequalities of wealth, health and opportunity, says a new report. Poverty stigma is a “wicked social problem,” highly complex, difficult to define and challenging to solve
• 5-19-2024 HOW CRAFT-BASED FIRMS PROJECT AUTHENTICITY THROUGH CREDIBLY AND VISIBLY COMMUNICATING THEIR IDENTITY Consumers are drawn to authenticity when it comes to craft-based firms, and a study looked at how managers in identity-driven markets are challenged to maintain their authenticity as their company’s scale of operations expands. In such craft industries, the authors note, overt claims of authenticity by producers are ineffective.
• 5-19-2024 PSYCHOLOGICAL RESEARCH OFFERS STRATEGIES FOR HEALTHY POLITICAL DISCUSSIONS AMONG PEOPLE WITH OPPOSING VIEWS Civilized political debates may seem increasingly out of reach as democracies across the world face rising polarization, but people still want to discuss issues with people they disagree with—especially those who present themselves as balanced and willing to seek solutions that work for everyone or open to learning new information, according to two studies published by the American Psychological Association.
• 5-19-2024 MORE THAN HALF OF AMERICANS GIVE TO CHARITY AT CHECKOUT, SURVEY SHOWS 53% of Americans give to charity at checkout, and young and diverse people tend to do it more often, according to new research from Binghamton University, State University of New York. Credit: Binghamton University, State University of New York Fifty-three percent of Americans give impulsively to charities at the checkout, and certain demographics tend to give more, according to a new survey conducted by faculty at Binghamton University,

Hello! I am desperately seeking additional brain power to locate a version of the folder shown to repurchase for my office. I inherited a set of two (though I think they originally came as a set of three) hard-sided plastic folders for intra-office mail/document sharing. There was this green "To do," a yellow ""Mail," and a third folder that was blue (I think), though I am not sure what would have been printed on the front of that one. I have Google/Amazon/Staples/Office Depot searched every keyword and combination of keywords I can think of to locate this set or something similar and have not gotten lucky. Specific features these folders have that I'm looking for:

• made of sturdy, hard-sided plastic
• sealed on the left and bottom, completely detached on top and right for oversized and/or flagged documents to slide in from the corner. We find them much more secure than traditional folders, but not annoyingly fussy to add/remove documents multiple times every day.
• color coded/labeled for easy accessibility
  I love them and would so like to find another set before this one poops out!!! TIA!
  

1. Fiber -- You eat 160 calories of almonds, but you only absorb 130
2. Protein -- The thermic effect of food (TEF). Protein has the highest TEF among the macronutrients. When you consume 100 calories of protein, about 20-30 calories are burned just to process the protein. This means the net calorie intake from 100 calories of protein is approximately 70-80 calories.
3. Fat -- Omega-3 fatty acids are not "burned" they are "hoarded", as they are needed for cell membranes and neurons in the brain. And trans fats are not burned, they simply clog your arteries
4. Sugar -- glucose and fructose are metabolized differently; glucose are metabolized everything in the body, and only 20% goes to the liver. Fructose entirely heads to the liver
5. Fats again -- 3 separate fat calorie "depos"....subcutaneous, visceral and liver (all have different implications of health)

Can someone explain to me any faulty logic in the above examples?
EDIT: Alright folks, it appears I got what I needed. I guess I needed to use some different wording to avoid feeling like I just spat in someone's birthday cake. Here are my conclusions based upon the comments below:

1. I have definitely learned that the Thermic Effect of Food (TEF) most certainly is not accounted for in nutrition labels, so thanks for indirectly helping me with this.
2. You all are much more interested in the concept of CICO as a general heuristic (rule of thumb) that makes it easier to effectively lose weight--WHICH I FULLY UNDERSTAND and have successfully used in the past myself. It still doesn't change the fact that different caloric sources will have different effects on health and yes...weight loss.

Just watched a video by chubbyemu and he talked about a case where a woman suffered mercury poisoning and had permanent brain damage due to her skin lightening creme being contaminated with methyl mercury.
Mercury can be used as an ingredient in skin lightening products (though not as methyl mercury usually) so always read the label and be extra cautious when ordering those products outside of the US.

A/N: Hey! Here's a "surprise" follow up to the first oneshot, and... gasp characterization of Karska?
Not anything super special, just a fluff piece(like most of my stories actually...) been sitting on this for a month, but as I said in my announcement post, things have been kinda weird for the past month.
Again sorry about that, it's not that I haven't wanted to write or anything, or that I was getting burnt out, just got sidetracked.
I think that's all I have to say about that...
Hope you enjoy this story, and all the others to come!
Wait a second... OH YEAH!
Credit to u/SpacePaladin15 for the universe, u/thescoutisspeed for causing the domino effect that made me write. And finally my good friend and Editor u/ConfusionEmpty3542.
Now with further adieu.

Let's get on with the story

Memory Transcript: Karska, Venlil Citizen, Participant of the Venlil-Human Exchange program Date: [standardized human time] 2136, [exact date unknown, presumably pre-earth attack]
Warm… Comfortable…
Those are my first thoughts as I awaken in the arms of my human.
I keep my eyes closed, basking in Axel’s warmth, the feeling of his arms around me. The daze of my half asleep state only makes it better.
I run my hands along my human’s back, feeling the dips and curves of his bone and muscles clearly through the skin. I slowly trail a finger along his spine feeling each divoit as I do.
Do I have to get up?
I snuggle closer to my human, wrapping my tail and legs tighter around their legs. I press my snout deeper into Axel’s neck, sighing lightly in content as I feel my humans pulse against my face.
This warmth… this comfort…
Can’t I just stay here a moment more? With no worries, just me and my human?
I press my chest deeper against my humans, pulling him closer with a hand around his waist, my other hand continues to gently trail along Axel’s back, taking in the firmness of the shoulder blades after I reach the end of Axels spine.
I think I can afford to stay here a bit… just a little bit…
Though I doubt I could bring myself to part from my human like this… if only it didn’t take so much time to care for my fur…
It's worth it though, even if I don’t get to experience this for as long as I’d wish…
I feel a twitch, and sleepily open one of my eyes. My vision reveals the room around me, still the same as last night. Knick-nacks lining shelves and tables, some clothes strewn about…
I’m gonna have Axel clean those up at some point…
I feel another twitch and flick my ear, before focusing my gaze to Axel…
Oh dear…
I can hear his heart drumming against his chest, almost like it’s struggling to escape. I see his sleeping face scrunched, his brows furrowed, his mouth marred in a deep frown as he shivers and gasps lightly.
I feel my heart drop slightly at the unfortunately familiar sight of my human having a nightmare.
“No… No…!” Axel murmurs, his brows furrowing even more as his shifting becomes more erratic, with him beginning to toss a little in my grasp.
“Shhh… it’s okay Axel.” I gently whisper to my sleeping human, shifting myself upwards just enough so that I could gently rest Axels face against my shoulder.
I feel a spike of instinctual fear, at having a predator so close to my neck.
I feel that familiar voice in the back of my head tell me to, run, hide, get awa–
But I easily quash that fear, overriding it with my care and worry for my beloved human.
I feel their grip tighten around me, as tears leak from their sleeping eyes. I do my best to comfort them any way I can.
I run my fingers through their scalp, hugging their larger frame against mine as tightly as I can as they continue to murmur and lightly thrash.
“I… I can’t, I Cant–!” They gasp out against my fur, their voice filled with grief, with pain.
It makes my heart ache, to not be able to soothe my human’s woes…
“Its fine Axel… No need to worry, I got you…” I whisper, feeling my tail tighten around my human in worry, and my ears flick back in response.
I wish I could help my human more with this… but every time I mention it they try to change the subject…
It worries me, but I trust my human, I trust him to trust me…
I begin to gently hum, running one hand along Axel’s back and the other through his scalp as I attempt to comfort him in the way I’ve found best works.
I hum a lullaby my mother used to sing to me, when I was but a child… it worked wonders whenever I couldn’t sleep cause I felt like…
No matter… I flick my ear in a negatory fashion, trying to ignore the errant thoughts as I sit there cuddling my crying human, trying my best to ease his nightmares.
I feel his thrashing slowly begin to die off as I gently hum the familiar tune, I feel his arms loosen their grip as he slowly begins to calm down.
I feel their heartbeat begin to slow, going from a fearful quickened pace, to its slow gentle pace… just as it should be. Just as it needs to be.
I sigh in happiness, glad to have comforted my human as best I can. My ears follow suit and perk up lightly in content.
I sit there for a few moments more, not knowing how long I was awake, and not really caring… thankfully today’s a day off, so I shouldn’t have to do much.
I feel Axel’s gentle breathing wash over my chest, the warmth bathing my form, along with the familiar comfort. I feel the wet spot on my shoulder, where his tears stained my fur.
I sigh, I want to stay here all day today… I honestly want to just spend this day off cuddling with my human, talking about nothing in particular.
But I need to clean my fur… so it’s all shiny, and soft, and nice for my human…
And it takes me a good quarter claw[an hour] to care for…
“I’m gonna go bathe, okay?” I gently coo to my sleeping boyfriend, gently ruffling their hair.
Do I have to go?
Can’t I just stay cuddled up to them like this?
What if they get another nightmare? What if I’m not there to comfort them?
What if–
I flick my ear and lightly shake my head, frowning lightly at those thoughts, at the familiar anxiety.
It’ll be fine, they’ll be fine for an hour or so… They shouldn’t have another nightmare…
I hope…
But what if they do, and I’m not there to comfort them?
I feel myself frown a bit deeper as I continue down this spiral of worry for my human, wanting nothing more than to stay pressed against them like this…
But I have to go.
And so with great reluctance, I begin to extricate myself from my humans spidery limbs.
I try my best to not wake my human, knowing that they probably need their sleep… especially with how tired they always look…
Eventually after a few [minutes] I finally managed to slip myself from his lanky arms.
My tail however is still wrapped tight around one of his legs, I sigh and lean down, gently petting my human on his scalp, and shifting the blanket slightly to better keep him warm.
“I’ll be right back.” I gently coo to the sleeping human, and sigh at the lack of warmth that now makes the room feel just a bit colder…
I stand there for a moment, debating if it’s worth it to clean my fur now…
I mean, I can just wait until Axel’s awake! I don’t have to do it now!
I know that they’re just excuses… it feels like ages pass as I stand beside the bed, my human none the wiser to my internal struggle.
I sigh, before finally slipping my tail from their leg, doing so very slowly and deliberately, trying my best to not wake my human as my mind tries to convince me to stay.
I mean… surely I could just stay with them a bit longer? Just a little bit?
I focused my gaze on Axel’s sleeping face, my brows furrowing slightly as my ears swivel back in sadness…
He looks so peaceful… so cute…
My soft paw pads press against his hair which I gently tousle, before mournfully sighing.
If I keep this up, I won’t get anything done at this rate.
I can’t just keep awkwardly standing here… I need to choose…
Do I stay cuddled up next to Axel, or do I at the least clean up my fur so it’s all soft for my human? Comfort for my human now? Or better comfort and snuggling later?
… It’s very tempting… but it’d probably make my human very happy to cuddle with me all day when my fleece is softer…
I flick my ear in affirmation, setting my eyes in a determined look…
I lean down and gently lick Axel on the cheek in an affectionate gesture.
“I love you, my human.” I gently purr, nudging my snout against them before gently stepping out of the dark room.
I make sure to just barely slip out of the door, trying my best to not let the gentle golden rays of Venlil Prime’s sun slip into the darkened room.
The hallway is just a little less dark, with all of the mechanical blinds around the apartment shut over the windows to make sleep easier.
I softly step through the hallway, my steps gentle as can be, as I try my best to keep quiet…
I already regret not deciding to stay by my human, but I’ve made my choice.
It’ll only be for a half a claw at most, not that long away from my human.
I feel my ears pin themselves back at my displeasure, and I slip into our bathroom.
It’ll be fine… the quicker I clean up my fleece, the quicker I get back to cuddling my human…
I gaze around the bathroom, my wide vision allowing me to take in the entirety of the room.
The bathtub and shower on one side, sink and countertop on the other…
A large mirror coats one wall, and a medicine cabinet is next to the light switch.
It’s rather plain, if not cozy…
It’s my home. Our home…
I feel my tail wave in happiness as I glance at the various things laid on the counter.
Toothbrushes, toothpaste… a few random items here and there…
And a few medicines… I can’t read the label for them… but I know the language printed on them.
English, I believe that’s what it’s called, the spidery lettering is unmistakeable, unlike most any other language I’ve seen; granted I haven’t seen many.
They’re for Axel… I don’t know what for, and he only got them recently…
When I asked he told me it’s nothing too bad… I’m worried for him but…
I trust him, he’ll tell me when he’s ready, I trust him to trust me…
I take another glance looking at the bottles along with an odd box, similar to some of the packages in our kitchen…
Well…
Surely he wouldn’t mind if I just looked a bit closer at one… its not like I can understand what they say…
I reach over, and grab one of the bottles, adjusting my grip on my toothbrush as I do so.
The one I pick up is made of a Transparent orange plastic, at it makes a rattling sound somewhat similar to some Venlil instruments. Inside is a bunch of small yellow ish pills, embedded with a number I can’t make out… I try to read the text but it’s completely illegible to me…
I sigh and go back to brushing my teeth, setting the bottle down as my focus is split between brushing and examining the other bottle.
It was made of a clear, somewhat brownish plastic, and it looked rather hefty, it was much larger than the previously mentioned bottle, on it amongst the various other words is two large letters with assumably some numerical subscript. It reads:
‘K2+D3’
I have no idea the meaning behind the letters, I assume however that if I could read human it would make much more sense…
I then turn my gaze to the box, covered in more of the illegible, to me, text covers the outside of said box. It was a white and much taller and wider than the pill bottles but a lot less thick…
I see a flap on the top, and trail my hand towards it…
Surely one peek wouldn’t hurt, right?
I shake my head, ignoring that thought. No I shouldn’t, it’s not my place to, Axel will tell me when he wants to…
I should trust my boyfriend… and besides, it’s not like it matters that much… right?
It’s not like whatever Axel has is that bad…
Yeah… I’m sure it’s fine. Besides, Axel seems to be getting healthier!
So whatever those pills are for, they’re helping him, and in the end, that’s all that matters!
I spit out the toothpaste, rinsing my mouth with water along with the brush, before I look to the tub, and turn the showerhead and water on, waiting for it to heat up.
I frown lightly, as I think back to Axel…
I hope he’s doing okay.
I shake my head and try to focus on other things as the water heats up and I hop into the shower.
Like how much my life’s changed these past few months!
If you told me I would be dating a predator just two months ago, I would have thought you were going crazy…
But look at me now! I have a wonderful boyfriend… one whom I’ve felt closer to than in any other past relationship I’ve had.
I love my human, I really do…
I glance to my bottle of Cherine scented shampoo, and grimace as I wet my fleece.
Almost out. Gonna have to get more soon, and Axel loves it’s smell so much too…
I shake my head of that thought and return to my previous line of thinking…
What could I say about my human to do him justice?
His kindness? He really is quite kind after all… probably too kind…
He should really put himself first more, and stop worrying so much about me…
I begin the arduous process of scrubbing the Cherine scented shampoo, making extra sure to rub at the parts of my fleece stained with sweat or tears…
The reminder of the tears staining my shoulder reminds me of Axel…
He tends to have nightmares, thankfully that wasn’t the worst of it… though the longer I stay in here the more likely it would be that they slip back into a nightmare…
I feel my ears flick back in worry at that thought, but I continue my meticulous scrubbing, being sure that I get all the dirt and gunk out.
Then I begin to properly rinse off the shampoo, making sure all of the suds go down the drain, as I idly think…
How long have I already been in the shower?
A quarter claw?
Is Axel okay? He is isn’t he?
I mean what’s the chance he gets another nightmare? And… it’s not like I can’t comfort him if he does get one…
But I wish he didn’t get them in the first place…
Sometimes I wish Axel wasn’t so Brahking stubborn… that he’d tell me what’s wrong. Maybe then I wouldn’t worry so much…
I’ll probably end up with gray hairs by the next [decade] at this rate…
I then grab the conditioner, it was a citrus-y scent of a Venlil fruit… at least that’s what Axel says it smells like…
I blink away the light brain fog, feeling like I should remember the name of the fruit. Maybe it’s just because I’m still a bit tired?
That’s probably it… I’ll probably remember it later…
Irregardless of that tiny hiccup, I apply the conditioner, putting the same care into scrubbing it into my fleece as I was with the shampoo.
After all if I don’t do it right my fur won’t properly shine! It just wouldn’t be right to not look my best around Axel! No sir!
And so with that in mind I gently scrub in the conditioner, feeling a twinge of worry and irritation as I think back to Axels stubborness…
I sigh, and shake off those thoughts, before beginning to rinse off the conditioner, just as thoroughly as I did with the shampoo.
As Spehing stubborn as Axel can be though… I can’t help but love him.
There’s really no one else like him in the whole galaxy… he fits together with me in a way no one else has…
And sure, maybe he doesn’t tell me everything, but I trust him, I trust him to not hurt me, not intentionally.
I can tell he’s hurting… I can only hope that I can bring him out of whatever state he’s in.
He deserves it, to be happy, to be loved…
More time passes as I eventually rinse off the last of the conditioner, and grab a hand drier to begin drying my fur off.
Almost done! Bed here I come!
I can almost feel myself wrapped in my humans arms… that warmth and comfort…
Ahh… even the thought of it calms me, helps me forget my anxiety…
I spend the next while drying my fur, until I hear a shout from down the hall.
Oh no… Oh no, Oh No Oh NO!
AXEL-!
My chest is filled with utter dread, and I practically throw the hand drier back onto the counter, uncaring if I’m still slightly wet.
My human! I knew it, I knew I should have stayed!
Oh Stars… oh Stars….
I scramble down the small hallway, and stop before the door to our room.
My ears swivel as I listen to my human. I gently open the door, being careful to not alert Axel.
The sight that greets me isn’t a pleasant one…
I can see the sheen of sweat covering Axels bare chest, the dull light from the door glinting off it just right. I see Axel panting, sitting up and staring at a wall.
His eyes are so hazy, and I can see the tears pooling inside them.
Stars damnit… I knew I should’ve stayed… I knew their nightmares got bad, but…
I can see his prosthetic hand gripping over his heart, his chest heaving as he seemingly struggled to gulp down the air… his body trembling violently as those tears shining in his eyes threatened to fall…
“Axel…?” My voice called out in the dark room, I could feel my body tremble in worry, as I look at my human.
His eyes snap to me, and he tenses, jumping in response, before trying to say something…
“K–Kar–ska…” But he can barely even choke out my name, before a heart wrenching sob slips from his throat, and his trembling grows even more.
Oh Stars…
I hastily slip through the door, closing it behind me before dashing over to my human.
My hands get covered in tears when I cup their face but I don’t care Axels afraid and he needs me and–
“It’s okay Axel…” I attempted to comfort my human, trying my best to imitate a smile as I wave my tail, and force my ears into a content position, even though I really feel them want to pin back to my skull in worry and fea–
“K–Kar–…” Axel makes the attempt to speak through his sobbing, before his arms grip around me tightly.
I feel that familiar spark of fear that’s near instantly quashed by an all consuming worry.
Oh Stars, oh Stars…. This is bad this is–
I try to swallow the knot in my throat, gently petting the human on the head as his shaking form grips me like I’ll suddenly disappear.
I don’t care that his tears are staining my fleece, or his sweat, or anything like that…
My boyfriend is scared…
The man who tries way to hard to seem strong in front of others… he’s terrified.
So I need to be strong for him, to let him lean on me, in this moment of weakness…
“Its okay Axel… it’s okay, I’m here…” I nudge my snout against his hair in a comforting gesture, gripping him just as tightly as he is me. “I’m here… so just let it all out okay?”
Their sobs and trembling grow even more at that, and they lean against me in response, their fingers harshly gripping at the still slightly damp fur.
I push Axel back, slipping onto the bed and straddling him as he cries and cries into my chest.
His throat practically chokes as he tries to breathe, as he begins hyperventilating…
Speh! Speh! BRAHK!!!
I gulp once more as I gently press Axels face deeper into my chest, my other hand gingerly wrapped around his shoulder.
“It okay Axel… you’re safe now… I’m here for you.” I gently coo, feeling worry and shame well up inside me.
I should have stayed with him. I shouldn’t have left…
I should’ve known this would happen.
I hear Axel attempt to wail into my chest fur, but his throat is caught by his hyperventilating, which is just getting worse and worse–
SPEH, YOU CAN HATE YOURSELF LATER FOCUS ON AXEL!
I nuzzle my face into his hair. And gently speak out to him as I run my hands gently along his trembling, panicking form.
“It’s okay Axel… You’re okay…” I say in my gentle cooing tone, before continuing on. “I need you to do something for me Axel, can you do that?”
I feel them shakily nod after they gulp, still hyperventilating, and tears still staining my fur as they cry.
“Take a deep breath for me, Axel…” I breath in deeply for emphasis and hold it for a moment. “Now let it out…” I slowly exhaled, my warm breath brushing against their head.
I feel them still shaking as the attempt to follow my lead, but they’re breath catches in their throat which cause them to panic which–
“Don’t worry Axel, take your time…” I reassure my human, gently cradling their head as I nuzzle against them best I can. “We aren’t in a rush… take all the time you need, and just… listen to my heart.”
I continue to breath in and out, cradling the human and pressing him against me.
I feel his grip loosen and his crying begin to die down.
His breathing slowly begins to match mine, despite a couple of hitches, for which I whisper sweet nothings into his ears to reassure him.
Eventually the trembling dies down, eventually I feel his heartbeat begin to match my own.
“There… isn’t that much better?” I ask gently, my worry somewhat assuaged as they slowly come back to reality.
I lean back slightly, sitting down on Axels lap and looking up at him gently, I lightly lick some of the tear streaks on his cheeks in a grooming manner.
He laughs slightly at the attention before leaning back into the headrest. “Y–Yeah…” his voice catches slightly, and he sniffs when he says that.
I feel my heart swell with joy, and I nuzzle into their neck, my eyes crinkling with love as I look up at my human.
He pointedly looks away, a light flush on his face for the moment of weakness.
“You didn’t have to y’know…” he mutters, and a flash of annoyance sparks through me at that.
“No… but I wanted to Axel… because I love you.” I gently speak, my tone conveying no room for argument.
I see Axel pause for a moment, and open his mouth as if he were to insist, but he wisely decides to take the affection. “Thanks…”
A moment of silence washes over us, with me still hugging Axel tightly as I nuzzle against him and being licking him in a familiar grooming manner, showing my boundless affection for him the best way I can.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask, one of my ears leaning to the side in curiosity, as I look into Axels dark green eyes.
He swallows and intently looks at the wall across from the bed, his mouth is set in a thin line as his brows are lightly furrowed.
“I– I couldn’t–.” He stutters for a few moments, before scoffing and giving up, opting to instead bury his face into my neck. “Not really…”
I shake my head at that, accepting that he didn’t want to talk about it, I trust him after all… so if he doesn’t want to talk about it, then we won’t.
“Whenever you’re ready then…” I murmur, focusing instead on grooming my human… well as much as I could groom the rather furless predator…
Though their sweat tastes rather nice…
I hum in happiness as I taste their salty sweat covered skin, slipping my eyes closed and sighing lightly as I lean against my human.
I love the small moments like this, were I can just be myself… where I can relax and just be myself, with no fear of judgement, or being thought of as ‘predatory’.
I love my human.
And though he may not be fully okay, that doesn’t stop my love for him.
That won’t stop me from caring for him like this, for letting him lean on me either…
I only wish my human would let me in more… but I can wait. I can understand why he may be afraid to let me in.
I’m patient, I’ll love him for as long as it takes, for as long as I need.
For him to begin to trust me a bit more… for him to love himself.
“I– Thank you Karska…”Axels gruff voice calls out, with them gently running their hand along the scruff of my neck, which causes my tail to wag in unbridled joy.
“I love you, you bastard.” I say with a light tone, using a term that I picked up from Axel. His eyes widen in surprise before he laughs and laughs.
His head leans back as he laughs in surprise, which causes me to join in, my own laugh much lighter and more whistly in tone.
We laugh for a few moments more, before Axel slowly comes down from his surprise. He smiles genuinely at me, love and care in his eyes.
“I love you too, you damnable sheep.” Their tone is light, and just as joking, before they lightly kiss me on the cheek, which causes my snout to lightly bloom orange.
I feel my tail wave about excitedly, and my eyes lid in content as I lean lovingly against my human.
I slip my eyes closed, falling into that familiar comfort that I awoke to, the warmth, Axels strong arms wrapped around me…
I love this.
I love my human~!
“Anything you want to do today?” Axel asks, I shake my head against his shoulder, pressing my snout deep into the warm skin.
“I just want to cuddle, if it’s fine with you?” I sleepily murmur, cracking an eye open to loving gaze upon him my eyes lightly pleading that he says yes.
He gently chuckles at my antics, before soft petting me, a gentle smile on his face, practically lighting up the room despite how small yet genuine it is.
“Sure.” He says softly, before once more kissing me. I gasp lightly when he gives me one of his love bites, and wack his tail in annoyance.
This is the best.
I wouldn’t trade it for all the stars in the galaxy.
I love my human.
I love so many things about him.
His stubborn nature is one of them… as much as it annoys me at times.
Seeing his mask slip and fall when he’s with me is another.
I love that he trusts me enough to be genuine with me. To be open with me like this.
That he trusts me enough that he instinctually calls for me when he’s sad…
I feel a light smile grace my lips, an attempt to convey to my human just how happy I am.
I am where I belong.
I love my human, my human loves me…
I hope that we can spend the rest of our days like this, experiencing this joy, this love of life, to the end of our days…

Is it dangereous to use sleep aid because one might not wake up and choke?
Background Info
I have been struggling with CPAP for a year. Basically I do not manage to sleep with it. Technically the machine works perfectly. Hospital sleep lab confirmed. Issue is my brain that won't shut down and therefore I do not sleep more than a few minutes at a time, regardless of CPAP or not. I am on an antiepileptic and Lithium to try to manage the brain waves.
I do not manage to use the CPAP at home. After 1-2 hours, I give up and get my shallow sleep without it.
I want to try to experiment with Sleep Aids to see if I manage to use the CPAP. BUT I am afraid that if there is a problem I will not wake up and might choke. Anyone had this concern? Or some experience with sleep aid and CPAP?
Sleep aid availble from my doctor: Zdrugs, Antipsychotics used off label as sleep aids.

First Previous Next
*Knock* *Knock*
A soft knock gently woke me up from my dreamless slumber. When I opened my eyes, I was met with a pitch black expanse. I noted that the retina-destroying light bulb must have been turned off at some point. Feeling around, I could feel my body was less sore then it was the previous, what I’ve taken to calling sleep cycles, as it didn’t feel quite right to call anything night or day anymore.
Still, though, I could feel a distinct pang of pain that shot through me every time I tried to perform an action more complex than raising my right hand, while doing anything with my left was completely out of the picture. With apprehension, I crossed my right arm across my body to gently grope around my left in an attempt to find the part that was actually broken, but it was to no avail, as all I achieved in doing so was hurting myself.
*Knock* *Knock*
Oh right, the door. Were they waiting for me to allow them in? In that case, this definitely isn’t Guard.
“You can come in.” I yelled hesitantly.
The door flew open at such speed that I wouldn't be surprised if the door fell off its space hinges. In the doorway, a figure stood. I couldn’t quite identify their features, but their silhouette was enough to identify the fact they weren’t too tall, by space standards, of course. They still appeared to be easily 6 foot, but at this point I could barely even consider that height tall. No, what actually grabbed my attention was the several appendages that were attached to the top of their head, and that were currently freely swaying in the wind, like seaweed in the ocean. One was currently wrapped around the door knob, clueing me into the fact they were also completely autonomous. Honestly, they reminded me a lot of… tentacles. Shit.
“S-Sorry.” Their voice and movement was shaky and erratic. They walked inside the room before quickly closing the door behind them, their features now much more visible, including the dark yellow coat and pitch black pants they wore. The gray skin across their slightly, to be nice I’ll just say chubby, body was the first notable feature. The second was the feathery gills almost identical to those of axolotl’s on the side of their head. Their face was soft, like the rest of the body, with a giant pair of pink, egg-shaped eyes that hadn't yet left the floor. Their bottom and top lip were not long enough to connect, leading to their mouth being permanently open. Their cone shaped head started pointed at the chin area, and widened out until it was big enough to accommodate the multitude of appendages on their head. They truly looked like an evolved axolotl, sans tail. “I’ve been working out recently, g-guess I don’t know my own strengths anymore.” They nervously chuckled while rubbing their webbed hands together.
“Uh, it’s alright. I mean, it’s not my door so I don’t mind.” I said in an attempt to comfort them. “No shame in working out. It’s clearly effective, right?” At this, the feathery gills adorning their head pulsed slightly in a pink light, before quickly returning to their non-luminescent state. For the first time since they came into the room, they looked at me.
“A-are you the Hum’un.”
“Who are you?” I tried not to be rude, as so far they had given me no reason to be, but it was also imperative I didn’t let my guard down. Better safe than sorry.
“Doctor!” They practically yelled, before seemingly becoming embarrassed. “Sorry, I’m sorry. Doctor, a-as in, that’s wh-what I am. For you. That is.” Christ, and I thought I was nervous.
“What would a doctor of a different species do for me? We don't exactly share the same body.” I tried to not be confrontational, but at the same time, it was a real concern that I knew might impede any help I could receive.
“N-no worries, I’m no regular physician, I’m a trained interspecies specialist, specifically employed to help with whatever ailments might have befallen you. I have certifications in 7 different medical departments, over 8 polar cycles in non-primary education, have treated all sorts of species throughout the galaxy, almost-” I tuned out their accomplishments by this point, letting the ramblings just wash over me. They. I’ve just been saying they as a placeholder until I could figure out their gender, but maybe it was silly to assume an alien would always be male or female, especially considering this probably wasn’t even a mammal, judging by their aquatic look and the fact they lacked any mammary tissue. I mean, so do I, but… whatever. They would probably be fine. “Isn’t that impressive?”
“Hm? Oh, yeah it is. Great job.” I gave a reassuring smile that they appeared to have appreciated. “So, do we begin now, or?” I cut myself off to give them an opening to talk, as it didn’t seem in their nature to have the confidence to initiate.
“Y-yes, of course.” They walked up to the side of my bed before continuing. “I have been tasked with going over any injuries you may have sustained during your last mission. Is this correct?”
“I was hurt pretty bad, yes.”
“Great! Not because you were hurt, of course, just as in, you know.” The gills pulsated again.
“Calm down, I get it.”
“Mhm, of course.” They looked around before continuing. “Before we begin, mind answering a couple survey questions? It won't take long.”
“Questions? Really?” My patience for any sort of questions had run thin after yesterday's fiasco, and it wasn’t something I wanted repeated.
“J-just a couple regarding who you are. It will help me treat you b-better.”
“Fine.”
“Perfect!” They ruffled through coat pockets using the appendages on their head before pulling out a crumpled piece of paper. “Firstly, are you a mammal? Yes or no.”
“Yes.” They emerged a small circle shaped object from their pocket before gliding it gently across the paper, leaving a symbol containing a large circle on the outside with different sized circles on the inside..
“Second, what is your gender?”
“Male.” Again, the object gently flew across the paper.
“Thirdly, does your blood contain any chemicals?”
“Mainly copper, but also some other metals like iron.” I explained. I hoped they wouldn’t ask any questions about my anatomy more complex than that, as my limited biology knowledge wouldn’t get me very far. “Also oxygen. A lot of oxygen.” With one last swipe on the paper, they folded the paper back up before stuffing it back into a pocket.
“Thank you so much for cooperating! You know, you’re nowhere near as aggressive as they said you would be.” The doctor spoke absentmindedly as the appendages began to pull out instruments from their pockets.
“Really? They labeled me as “aggressive?” Maybe if they didn’t try to tear me down at every opportunity, I wouldn’t have a reason to be “aggressive.” Have they ever thought about that?” I steadily raised my voice, making sure that anyone outside could hear me.
“No! Th-that's not it at all. They just implied it because injured animals are usually more aggressive. That’s all!” They sputtered in an attempt to reassure me.
“Animal? Fucking animal?” I muttered incredulously. That implication made me fume. “I’m not some stupid animal that broke its paw; some animal that would die in the wilderness without aid. If I was left in that forest, guess what? I would have found a way to survive. My species was built to survive.” In an attempt to show the doctor what I meant, I decided, for the first time since I was getting knocked around by drones, to move on my legs. I carelessly moved my legs off the bed before gaining enough ambition to jump off.
“Y-You really shouldn’t do that!” The doctor warned, taking a step back to avoid my wake. As I was too focused trying to grow accustomed to the weakness in my legs, I ignored them. I couldn’t stand on my own, instead opting to use the support of the bedside desk as support. Whether this was because I hadn’t used my legs in over a day, or because of any sort of injuries I may have sustained, I wasn’t sure, but ultimately it didn’t matter, as the result was still the same. “Please, sit back-”
“SHUT UP!” They jumped back, almost falling over in the process. Damn it, I didn’t mean to yell, it was just the strain I was putting on myself that made it hard to regulate my volume. Still, it was obvious what they were implying through their facade of “concern.” “I can, ugh, I can do this, back off!” I swung my arm forward for no real reason. They were too far away to hit, being more off a signal to not get near. I took another step.”
“Please, don’t come any closer.” Their voice was soft but at the same time obviously urgent. “You’ll get yourself hur-”
“That’s what you think.” I took another step. “You think you already know me.” Another step. Unfiltered resentment spilled out of me as I continued to move forward, despite the pain in my legs. “You don’t know anything about me. You, no, they all think they know what makes me tick. How to keep me down.”
“Don’t take another step.” Their appendages going wild, each either wrapping around themself for protection, or sticking forward at me. “I-I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Try it.”
“W-what?”
“Try it. Try to hurt me. You lay even a single one of those tentacles on me, I will rip each one off your stout head, Axolotl.” With one final step, I was now far enough away to no longer reach the desk, but even without it, I stood. “So try it, because you have no idea what I’m cap-AGHHHH!” Before I could react, an invisible stream of electricity shot out from a device one of the appendages was holding, sending bolts of pure lightning through my veins.
The sudden pain was intense enough to make me blackout for a couple of seconds. Even after, my vision was still blurry, and all I could hear was a piercing ring. I could feel my legs give out from under me as I fruitlessly swung my arms in all directions to find something for support. This was unsuccessful, and in a moment, I was off my feet and cascading to the ground. I closed my eyes and braced myself for impact, for the feeling of smashing my already broken arm into the ground, but that feeling never came. Instead, I felt multiple firm, long limbs brace around my waist, my legs, and across my chest, keeping me upright.
My brain was too fried to be confused, to fight back, so instead I leaned into the appendages. They didn’t wrap around me tightly, just enough to keep me supported. They slithered across my surface, trying to find crooks in my body for better leverage, or so I assumed. Eventually, they found some appropriate spots to wrap around for the best support. It was comfortable for me. So comfortable, in fact, I didn’t even notice my feet leave the ground.
When I did, I didn’t even have the energy to react,simply going limp in their grasp. I was in the air for what felt like an eternity, which, in reality, was probably 30 seconds at most. I was enveloped by the feeling of my cushy bed. I was pressed into it with more force than was suitable, though I suppose it was a subliminal message to me that I shouldn’t try to leave it. The appendages untangled from my body and soon, all I could see, hear, and process was a faint ringing in my ear and blurred vision that left me in no position to even try and speak.
This lasted for several minutes as I was stuck between what felt like two planes of reality. It was a disorienting mess of stimuli that I had no way of understanding in the state I was in, like how seizures are described. Was I having a seizure?
Several more moments passed, and right as I started to consider that option seriously, my vision slowly began restoring itself around the edges. So did any physical sensation outside of the after shock, shortly afterward. My tongue still felt heavy in my mouth, though, and the taste of copper still lingered, similar to the taste of a bag of electrified pennies shoved down my throat.
That’s just about when I finally heard them again.
“-and I know I shouldn’t have but I got scared and again I’m sorry I didn’t know it was on full charge and I should have checked but also I should have never used it because I was capable of stopping you without it but I was scared and I was in no authority to use it and I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry-”
I attempted a response to the ramblings that had been going on for however long, but all that came out was a bemused grunt followed by a coughing fit. It wasn’t very effective in communicating anything, not even being loud enough to get their attention. So I tried again. “Sss.”
They jumped back at the loud hissing sound. “A-a-are you okay?”
“Ss-shut up.” I practically gurgled out from the depths of my throat. “You talk too much.”
“O-oh th-thank goodness you’re ok. I’m so sorry about this. I shouldn’t have shot the Tuca’p, it was brazzen and unprofessional of me. I should have done something, anything other then-”
“Shut up.” Their expression dropped. “Quit making so many excuses, you don’t need any. I was being a dick to you, which you didn’t deserve. You were only reciting what they said. I shouldn’t have taken that out on you.” Despite everything, I’m glad I never lost the ability to find humor in a facial expression, because the one I was witnessing was priceless. I would have laughed if I’d remembered. “You know, you're not too bad.”
“I-I don’t-I’m not sure what it is-excuse me, I don’t… Thank you.” Their gills flushed a vibrant hue of pink light, filling the entire room for only a moment. “Thank you.”
I picked myself up from the groove in the bed. “Why were you here again?”
“Oh, right!” Instantly, the appendages shot in all directions, some grabbing tools from their pockets, off the desk, while two latched under my arms, and another around my waist. “Is this alright?”
“Sure.”
“Ok, perfect!” They got closer to me, really close, actually, and brought the tools along. “Now, firstly, I’m going to gently move your limbs, and you’re going to tell me if anything hurts, ok?”
“Understood.” Without further warning, the appendages wrapped around the base of my arm next to the shoulder and began to rhythmically shake them. Instantly, I felt a sharp pain in my left bicep. “Fuck.”
“Where?”
“Left. Left arm.”
“Can you use your right to show the afflicted area.” At this point, it was less of a question and more of a command. Without another word, I wriggled my right hand out of their grip and ran my fingers across the afflicted parts of my arm. This ended up consisting of the entirety of it from my shoulder to just before my hand. Damn, I must have really messed myself up.
“Right here.”
“Interesting.” The limbs suddenly left my arms and briefly went to my legs. “Anything?” They asked as they shook my legs firmly.
“No.”
“What about-” They cut themselves off while two appendages ran across my torso and body. As they went, they firmly pressed against me in another attempt to find any pain.
“I don’t think your going to find anything broken ther-shit!” The limbs immediately stopped at the point I made noise.
“Interesting.” They lightly pressed down on the spot, eliciting the same reaction from me.
“Mind telling me what's here?”
“As in bone structure? Well, on either side of my body I have 12 bones that wrap around the interior of myself. We call it a ribcage, ‘cause it’s like a cage.” It was weird to describe an aspect of the human body that is so ubiquitous that in any other circumstance, would not even require a second breath.
“From what I can feel,” they pressed down against the spot again for emphasis, “ It appears something is looser than the other bones around it. Is that normal?”
“No, I think I might have cracked a rib.”
“Will you heal on your own?”
“Aside from getting a limb chopped off, I can heal from just about anything given enough time.”
“Impressive.” They paused awkwardly like they were about to continue, but stopped before the words could leave their mouth, instead just hanging agape like a fish drowning in air. “”Y-you’re impressive.”
The last stutter made me realize how they were completely stutter-free for the entirety of the check-up. Turns out being good at a job brings out the confidence in someone. It was funny, ‘cause I could relate.
“I know.” I couldn’t help but give a smug smile. “Of course I know!”
“I’m glad.” From a coat pocket, they pulled out a small square with a sac full of a purple liquid on the back. On the front, small metal teeth lined the edges of the square, all of which protruded perfectly forward. “That being said, I have some medicine that will speed up the process. Now, if you’ll just stick out an arm.” The appendage slithered its way up the length of my arm and gripped tightly at the elbow. Without further pause, the strange square was pushed into my arm, and started to inject itself into my bloodstream.
The sensation was strange, feeling like an ice cold liquid was dumped directly into my veins. I flinched and yanked my arm back, the square unbothered by this sudden movement as it was completely dug into my arm.
“How is this going to help exactly?”
“The liquid should fuse with your blood cells and increase their proficiency. Y-You have blood cells, right?”
“Yes, I have blood cells. What doesn’t?”
“I don’t know, it's just you’re strange.”
“I know I am, a lot of people have been telling me that recently.” When the square was just about finished depositing the liquid, I yanked it out from my arm and threw it on the nearby desk. “A lot of people.”
“I’m sorry.”
“What was that?”
“I’m sorry The Council and their team haven't met your expectations of decency.” They spoke with a smooth tone that made it clear every word was carefully chosen. “And I’m sorry I contributed to that when I unintentionally disrespected you earlier. I never want anyone to feel that way. I know how it can feel.”
I didn’t respond, not because I understood them, or appreciated the apology, or the words that should have given me some sense of retribution, but because I had nothing to say. The words were phony, they rang hollow because I knew they had no worth whatsoever. What would I do with a sorry, and what did they even represent? That they cared? I think I could count the amount of people who have ever had genuine respect for me on one hand, and even then, that takes time. I have no reason to believe this one who I met 20 minutes ago had any reason to care, so I said nothing.
“W-well, I should be going now. I checked on all parts of your body, and judging by the amount of damage, you should be back up and running in barley a couple Anex’s, so I see no reason why you should worry.”
“Ok.” Their expression faltered, this time giving me no amusement. “Thanks.” I turned away from them, and proceeded to focus on the machines whirling next to me as a distraction until they left.
Finally, after a minute or so, I started to hear footsteps walk towards the door. Then, “You’re not what they say you are.”
“...”
“I know we just met, and I know we don’t know anything about each other but… I know you’re more than some aggressive fighter, more than what's under the surface.”
“...”
“I just… I just don’t believe they know that. Neither do you.” The door opened, signifying their exit. “By the way, I’ll deliver you some clothes next Anex.” And just like that, they were gone.
I didn’t understand that last statement for a minute, before looking down and suddenly remembering I was completely naked save for the crumpled blanket that lay on the floor. ‘Shit, have I been like this the entire time?’ The embarrassment that filled me was immense, and honestly made me laugh with how I didn’t notice. It was enough to, briefly, distract me from what they said to me.
I wanted to act like they had no effect on me, like with the apology, but for some reason I just couldn’t. The words clung to me, and I couldn’t help but ponder them. It was only when I reminded myself of the fact we had only briefly interacted, and that they had no knowledge of me as a person, that I threw the statement to the side to forget about. ‘First impressions are often misleading.’
They were interesting, that's for sure, but they quickly left my mind. What replaced it was the persistent thought that I was weak for rotting in this bed the past couple days. Sure I needed to heal, but by this point, it was plenty. I knew I needed to make myself feel better, and the only way I could was by proving those days of rest meant something. To prove this, I was going to walk.
I had already done it, but that was done for a different reason, and I wanted to prove it wasn’t a one time thing. So I scooted off the bed and with a deep breath, I put both legs on the ground. The immediate pain I felt made me question how I was even able to do it the first time. Still I didn’t let it deter me, and with one step in front of the other, I moved. I moved forward, not gracefully, not quickly, but I moved forward, like I was taught to do.
I touched the wall on the other side of the room and briefly rested against it for support, before walking back to the bed, then back to the wall, over, and over, and over again. The repetition showed it was worth it, showed that I was, in fact, a fighter.
‘Ha, shows what they know.’