Gangster text tattoo

I was just thinking today about how I was looking forward to middle school as a kid. Elementary school was so awfully boring, but I also didn't really have any real friends so that didn't help. Still though, the thing is that I spent a lot of time by myself and that involved watching a lot of TV. And I'm not from the US, I live in Europe, but the TV shows were all from the US. And they kinda gave me a really cool fantasy of what school was gonna be like after elementary school. And yeah I'm sure anyone reading this is gonna think that, well, of course it's not actually like on TV, TV is fiction. But trust me, this is gonna be way more disappointing than you think. But I mean, at least I wasn't bullied, most people just sorta left me alone instead, so I don't wanna act as if school must definitely be better in other places. It's just that, it was so boring.
Hmm where do I begin. Two things constantly said in these TV shows that left me confused, kids often talked about classes they take, consider taking and don't take. And kids often talked about "this person from my x class". This gave me the idea that, unlike in elementary school, I'd get to at least somewhat choose what classes I might wanna take. Not at all how it worked, at least not at the schools that were options for me at the time I went to middle school in the early 2000s, as far as I can tell. I say as far as I can tell cause it was never explained to me either, it was explained to my parents, so that they could maybe talk to me and figure what to do with me. Anyway, you either went to trade school, which was seen as a huge embarrassment to your parents cause you are an idiot that's probably not gonna do college, or for 7th and 8th grade you decide on one of two options; latin or modern languages. Both of those come with a certain set of classes, you can't not take any of them and you can't take any that don't come with it. My parents didn't put much thought in it, they were just told that since I did so well in elementary school I should go for latin, as that's what smart kids do. It doesn't come with many interesting classes to me, but to be honest neither did the other option. I would have much rather gone to trade school, which has a technical studies option too that would come in handy for college, but many people just didn't like having to say that their kid goes to the trade school. In fact, I had a few people in my group failing on purpose cause they told their parents they wanna go to trade school but were just not allowed, so they protested by failing. Anyway, the other thing that had me confused about that, all classes are taken with the same group. You're in a group of about 20 people, they all have the same classes cause you don't get to pick and choose, why not have them do every class together. I'm not sure if that's supposed to get the group to know each other better or something, but really the result is just that you really don't get to know so many people. If you don't like any in this group so much, well tough luck, everybody only hangs out with people of their own group. You weren't even allowed to sit with people from another group for lunch, they assigned you a seat at a table for your group. And you know, many of them are kinda the same. This school was just for those two options I mentioned anyway, which are for preparing kids to continue to college in the future, anybody wanting to do any trade or anything technical would be at a different school that focuses on those. Oh and also, not a single girl in our group, I didn't really care at the time but thinking back about it it does seem kinda weird to have years of middle school where all classes were boys only. Alright on to the next topic to pick. Hmm how about the whole thing with the activities at school they always have on TV. You know, clubs, sports, arts, dances, science fairs, even elections for something? Yeah I did totally wonder what my future school was gonna have. Which was nothing, in fact I went to three different schools from 7th to 12th grade and they all had nothing. It's just not a thing here I guess? There is not a single thing to do other than go to your set of classes that day and go back home. No special events of any kind either, just an occasional educational school trip. But certainly nothing that would make you meet any people with similar interests, or anything social at all really. Here's sorta how it works instead. You wanna do any of this, you sign up for it somewhere else and go there after school. Like my city did have a music school and a drawing school for example, so if you wanna go to a 2nd school on some days after going to your 1st school that day then you're free to do that. Of course it'll be with completely different people that you probably don't ever see anywhere else. I was in an unrelated sports team for example, we played a game on saturdays that is only attended by parents and practiced 2 hours after school one day in the week. And I never saw anyone on the team ever outside of those couple of hours per week. That's also one kinda problem with that isn't it, the kids learning music or drawing at those specific schools after their main schools probably got to show off the things they learned at times, but only fellow kids at those specific schools and their parents would ever know about it. They never get to show off the stuff they learned to kids at their main schools.
Here's a little short one for in between that is kinda odd, personal lockers. Nobody ever got their own locker, not at any of the three schools I went to. We just stuff all our crap in our backpack and bring it home. Then in the morning figure out what we need that day, and carry it all back to school in our backpack. In elementary school we had a desk at school with a little space for books, but from middle school you're not always in the same classroom so you get no desk with storage. Every classroom you go to you bring your heavy backpack with everything for that day in it.
This is getting really long already so here's my last one, the whole social groups and cliques thing full of stereotypes. Well, just having anything like that at all really. Because of the stuff I wrote earlier, but also some of the rules. Like I already said, you take every class with your group and sit at an assigned place with your group for lunch, you can't go find someone who likes the same stuff as you from outside your group. Except during one of the three breaks, two of those are 10 minutes and one is 30 minutes. During those, you can walk around outside and go talk to anyone you want. Of course they are all total strangers to you though as you have never seen them do anything anywhere, since there are no activities at school other than your classes. But here are some of the rules we had. No electronic devices, so you can't listen to or show anyone any music or play any videogames with anyone. I mean no phones either but almost all of those couldn't really do anything other than call and text at the time anyway. No 'distracting' hair, whether that is a weird style or having any part of it any color that does not appear natural in humans. No 'distracting' clothing either, but at least no uniforms. No tattoos or piercings of any kind, except earrings but one time an acceptable looking punk came in with a safety pin earring he did at home and that did not count as an allowed earring. Actually come to think of it, the punks were the only group. Everybody else just looked the same as everybody else. And these punks were just 4 people. We knew they were punks cause of their outfit, they pushed the boundaries of distracting. And sometimes too far, like with the safety pin. But they usually wore a flat cap, a denim jacket with a few punk patches and leather boots. Probably the coolest looking people at the school, mostly because I couldn't tell you what anyone else looked like now, I totally forgot everything except their face. Though I was also a bit of an exception. I was the guy with long hair. Not that anybody knew anything about me cause I didn't talk, but they did know me as the one guy in school with long hair. They couldn't really ban that as I don't think they could ban things for only one gender. But yeah, you only have the opportunity to talk to people not in your group during the short breaks, but how would you decide who to go talk to? You never talked to any of these kids, all you got is how they look, and they're barely allowed to change their look from anything default.
Alright I'm gonna end it here. I guess the conclusion is that if you make school as absolutely boring as possible then there is not gonna be as much trouble, I think that might have been the goal at least? Just come in, get your education that day, go home, no drama. Is that better? I wouldn't know, I haven't been to other schools of course. But I sure couldn't help but wish it had a little more going on like they did on TV.

So, this is my first time writing on reddit.
I (m21) found out my ex (m24) cheated on me. We have known each other since June last year, we met just a couple weeks after he broke up with his long-time boyfriend of 6 years. We live 1 and a half hours away from each other. I live in Brisbane; he lives in the countryside. So, every weekend we were always together. We started officially dating in September. I was only out at the time to my friends, not to my family, so getting into this relationship was a bit scary because he was out and proud. It’s funny because in the beginning he would try to accuse me of cheating, tell me he’s scared of me cheating, but I would’ve never done that. I loved him. Turns out, he was the one cheating.
In December last year, he told me to respond to an Instagram message for him. After I sent it, I saw a message he had sent this guy, A, he commented on his story, something flirty and it caught my eye. I confronted him about it. He admitted to being “lonely” and wanted to talk to him. Then he tells me he thought the guy was attractive. He was a friend of one of his co-workers. My ex only saw this guy once! Anyways, he would block this guy, then unblock him, then block him again, etc.
There have been times where I’ve had to confront him on a lot of stuff. For example, his ex. He told me his ex was blocked; he would never talk to him but that was all a lie. I would see notifications from his ex, he would tell me, his ex would create all these accounts just to get in contact with him, which that part was true but my problem was that he would never tell me but he never understood why that was a problem. When we went away for our six month anniversary last month, we wanted to watch Netflix but the Netflix on the hotel TV wasn't working so he told me to get his laptop and we'd watch "Is It Cake?" on there. His iMessage dings. He doesn't use iMessage. I see a text from a number and it was like "how dare you use my trauma against me" and "I just want to talk." His ex was always asking for money and would say "I need to talk it's important" and it wouldn't be important. He was always asking for money. I asked him why he didn't tell me he was still talking to his ex, he just told me "he wanted to see the kittens. I said to him if he wanted to buy one, he could see them but if he wasn't buying one, I don't want him near me" and he told me it was no big deal and that he loved me. Told me he deleted and blocked the number but I went through his blocked list, the number wasn't there but I didn't bring it up. I just moved on and wanted to enjoy our holiday. Then, when I was getting my tyres done, he told me about some random number calling him twice and he sent me a screenshot. In the screenshot it showed his call log, like, his calling history. Turns out he was on the phone to his ex, through Instagram the night before after we said "goodnight" to each other. He then said "oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. My ex called me last night about the kittens, again." and I was pissed because how do you forget to tell someone that. We ended up having a huge fight about it, he said he feels bad for his ex because he has no family and all this stuff. All these excuses. Again, I ended up forgiving him and moving on.
Fast forward to Monday, I recieved a friend request on Insta from the guy I confronted my ex about back in December, A, and I knew what was happening but I just deleted his request but then he kept on requesting to follow me. I told my ex about it and he told me not to worry about it. Then, yesterday on Tuesday, all day, I had this sick feeling in my stomach because I had a feeling something was going to happen. Then that night, I received a message from his old co-worker she said "I think you need to see this" and I responded with a question mark because nothing had come through but then the screenshots and screen recordings came through. My heart sank. He has been messaging A since December and messaged him again when he got back from my house after celebrating his birthday with me (I spent over $300 on his presents) and my family (my mum bought me a couple presents too) early because his birthday is on a Monday and I can't be there. (He stayed at mine, Thursday, Friday, and went home on Saturday). That Saturday, was my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary lunch, where my nanna said to my ex "you're apart of the family now", which made me happy but I loved him and I loved that my family loved him but that same Saturday, he went home and texted A. When I was looking at the screenshots of the texts and screen recordings, the screen recordings showed he was on Tinder. I was fucking mad. I called him immediately and said "what the fuck!" and I started reading out the texts he would send this guy on Instagram and on Snapchat. The other guy, A, didn't entertain him. He would just ignore him or just have small talk but it was just my boyfriend doing the flirting but what broke me was when A asked my ex "who's the J in your bio" and my ex said "that's my boyfriend. We're in an open relationship." I felt my heart break into a million pieces. He basically confirmed everything, said he was on Tinder and said he was on Grindr, and he said he was last on Grindr "two days ago" and yesterday, two days ago, was Sunday. I was at his house, he would've been on it when I left his. I felt so many different feelings all at once, I felt like I was going to burst. I then, just went over to my best friend's house but both A and my ex, told me they haven't had sex and my ex told me, that even though he was on Grindr and Tinder, he didn't sleep with anyone just talked to a couple guys and that's it.
I obviously broke up with him yesterday but we're stilling messaging each other. I even called him last night after I got back from my friend's house and we spoke more about the situation. I know still having contact with him isn't good for me but I still love him. Even though we only dated for six-almost seven months, I still love him. I think because this is my first relationship, I want to cling on this but at the same time, I know I deserve better. I haven't cried yet. I don't think I will tbh. He keeps saying how he's sorry and how he feels guilty and all I can think is then why do any of this in the first place? I told him last night, if you were feeling this way, talk to me, hell even break up with me. I remember in the beginning our relationship, I told him that he'd have to break up with me because I don't like the idea of me breaking up with someone but hey, I broke up with him. He told me he had made some "big mistakes" and I said "you made choices. Not mistakes. Calling it a mistake is trying to avoid that the idea has a consequence" then he said "if you want me to suffer than just don't ever get back with me" and I said "I don't want you to suffer but no, I don't see us getting back together. I love you and I've forgiven you for the past shady shit you've done and I can forgive you for this but I will never forget it." I just can't be with him knowing he did this. I had this feeling for months that he was doing stuff behind my back and now that's it all confirmed, it makes me feel good now that I don't have to constantly worry about what my boyfriend is doing. I would worry so much it was making me sick. He would tell me he loved me, he wanted to marry me, he bought me a promise ring, he told me he wanted kids with me, told me he wanted to do everything with me. He told me how sorry he was, how guilty he felt because he said I'm the sweetest, kindest, caring, funniest and most loving person he's ever met and he's going to miss me heaps but all I can think about is like if he did love me, if he did think of me like that, why would he do what he did.
This morning, we were talking some more and I told him that even that I hated what happened, that I was still thankful for the memories because before him, I wasn't doing anything. I was just working and going to uni. My life was pretty boring but thanks to him, I found this confidence and I got all this self-esteem but even though it's only been a day, I can feel my confidence and self-esteem going away. I told my family this morning, well, I told my youngest sister (15) last night because she saw how upset I was and she said "you want me to beat him up" and my other sister (17), I told her this morning and she just called him a cunt and told me I'm better off. My mum, she loved my boyfriend so she was a bit disappointed in him but I was happy when she didn't react, she just sat there and listened to me and told me "maybe you two will work things out" and I told her "no, I don't think I can" and she said "and that's fine." I wish I could talk to my dad but I'm not out to him because he's like crazy homophobic even though my sisters have told me he's asked them if my ex and I were dating lol and said he's ok with it and will love me but I don't know, I'm just still scared to tell him. Maybe one day. My cousin (26) though, I'm very close with her, she's pan, I came out to her two years ago when we went to spread our aunties ashes (weird I know but we went for a walk and it felt right) and she basically told me "I knew it!" apparently everyone knew I was gay before I even came out. I honestly felt like I hid it well but nope. The only person who had no idea was my mum lol but my cousin told me, how she has never seen me happier and was so shocked when I told her that we broke up and the reason why. She thought he was a good guy. We all thought that.
On my grandparents anniversary card, they've been married for 50 years, which I mentioned above and I wrote "I hope I get to experience your type of love one day" in a sense that my ex and I, would end up celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary, even more in the future but unfortunately we won't but I know I will someday. One day. I'm only 21. I know not all guys are bad but for the mean time, I'll just be focusing on my assignments for uni, work, and getting back into the gym. It's been a while but I'm currently sitting in the library at uni writing this listening to a mix of fun songs and sad songs by Raye, Adele, Beyoncé, Lemonade hits different now that I can relate to the songs except Freedom because I'm not black. Love the song though. I'm white as paper. Milk even. I've been listening to Kim Petras, Ethel Cain, Miss Britney, Ariana Grande, again true story, bye and We Can't be friends hit different now. Who else? Rihanna, Megan thee Stallion, Glorilla, Bia, miss Olivia Rodrigo and some Taytay even though I'm not a big fan of miss swift, her pen game is strong. Respect. I've also been listening to Dua Lipa, Ayesha Erotica, Black Veil Brides, Queen Nicki, Billie Eilish, Chase Atlantic, The Neighbourhood, Charlie XCX, Kylie Minogue, Tate McRae, Villain of the Story, Loreen (Tattoo is amazing!), Doja Cat, also my guilty pleasure song, "Jam" by miss Kim K. I love her. I love a boss bitch. I've been told my music is very confusing. One minute I'm listening to "treat me like a slut" then Yungblud plays.
Anyways, I know I'll be alright.

I've recently had birthday and I've decided to spend money that i got on a tattoo and I want to get something related to Lucki. I was thinking about doing text from FLM cover cause it's my fav project from him but I'm not really sure.

Let's start by saying that this is my first (official) relationship ever.
A bit of background:
I've always had trouble socially relating to people; I'm so insecure and afraid of rejection, and I also had strict parents. Throughout the years, I've gained a bit of freedom for myself but it's not enough (I still live my parents).
I've always wanted to get close to people and have friends (I currently have just one) and a relationship, but I'm also afraid that I'm not interesting enough, that I won't know what to talk about, etc. So my strategy has always been to act cold towards people and wait for them to approach me first. If they approach me, it must mean that they have at least some interest in me...
In the past, I often found myself daydreaming about how a loving relationship would look like: he would love me a lot, accept me for who I am, not judge me for my physical little imperfections, have great emotional and physical chemistry, and I would love him back just the same. I know it might sound too perfect, but that's what I know I've always craved.
I have had a very few relationships/situationships where the men just never asked me to be their girlfriend and make things official. I think those "relationships" failed in part because I was so cold towards them even if inside I wanted to kiss or hug them first. I always hoped they asked me to be their girlfriend. Also, I always stayed till the end, until THEY didn't want anything to do with me anymore.
So with my current boyfriend, all things seem different. I met him at a mall. HE approached me first. At first I wasn't really attracted to him physically but he started telling me about his life and his varied life experiences. He seemed interesting. We exchanged numbers. Then we started going out. He's very different from me. He has a different clothing style than mine, he likes urban music, he has tattoos and has 1 piercing.
My very first impression of him was that he looked like the bad-boy type, so I didn't think he was interested in anything serious. But right on the second date, he mentioned he was looking for someone who really cared for him. He said something like: "it's nice to have someone that cares for you, even for the little things and even asks if you ate already, if you slept well, etc." Before that moment, I didn't have high expectations and was probably ready to accept whatever 🤦🏻‍♀️.
As time went by, I started liking more things on him, finding a few things in common. Until he asked me to be his girlfriend after one month of hanging out. I had waited for that moment for so long, and it finally came, but I didn't know how to feel. I felt kind of sad. Even though I knew he and me were looking for a serious relationship, I felt fearful, but I kept going.
We've shared beautiful moments so far. I feel at home, peaceful, respected, and loved when I'm with him. But sometimes I catch myself judging him for small imperfections. I'm physically attracted to him and we have good chemistry there, but I can't help noticing what he does "wrong." When we text, he sometimes writes with bad grammar and I can't help but judge him inside. Sometimes he sends me videos of him dancing happily for me, and I can't help but think "how isn't he afraid of being silly in front of me or even others?" I believe me judging him might stem from the same type of judgment I received when growing up. I just hate it and don't want to be like this. I know no one is perfect and yet my mind is obsessed with perfection.
My BF has had a difficult life and experiences, and yet he smiles all the time, has fun, is free, and has lots of love to give. He even says he loves me, but I don't feel sure to say it back to him. My mind tells me that I'm probably just using him and getting his love while I'm not able to love him back. I feel like a bad person for that. I do care for him. I've cried with him listening to how he feels when sad of bc of past hurtful events. When I look at him, I see someone sincere. I love to have him close, hug him, kiss him, feel his odor, listen to his voice, listen to him singing. Yet I have these other horrible thoughts that I can't let go.
I feel like I wasn't really ready for a relationship as I believed, and that there's a lot of work I need to do on myself, but I don't want to lose him either. I can't decide if I really like him, if I'm obsessed, if I'm dependant or what.
Need some advice on what to do and hear others perspective on this.
Sorry for the long post. I tried to give enough details 😅. Thanks in advance.

His name is Eloy and his entire portfolio is on instagram (Vital_1er)
Shop is located on the south side of corpus off Cimarron
His favorite styles right now are anime, black & grey, color, neo traditional anything.. and girly fairycore type art
He works in a small shop very female friendly and clean. I met him through a friend who tattoos me and owns the shop with her husband the whole shop puts out only amazing work, nothing rushed or half assed. I took a few years off from getting any tattoos after getting work from other high reputation local shops and not being in love with the work I got so im very fortunate to have found a comfortable shop that does all styles
Appointment only usually so if Instagram doesn’t work for you he books through text as well or of course you could ask to meet at the shop to shoot some ideas and get a feel of the environment in person
Eloys number is 361-756-3798 🖤🖤🖤

I need to find a song/Youtube video. It was on a YouTube playlist from a tattoo artist a while back while I was getting tatted. Basically it’s a rock music video about a guy that cheats on his girl and she finds his texts on his phone, the majority of the video then goes on with her LITERALLY putting pieces of herself back together, while he’s out contemplating his decisions. I believe he tries texting her throughout the video to try and get her back, to which she ultimately ignores and rejects him in the end. It was on a “Falling in Reverse” playlist so it’s similar to that type of genre, but the song itself is somewhat more mellow to that of FiR. Thank you guys ahead of time.

So a little back story about my exs lil sister, we’ll call her Anna, Anna is a year younger than her older brother less than a year younger than me. I met her from my ex I’ll call him Chad. We met when I was 13 and he was 14. I met Anna the following year when I was 14 and she was 13. Drama didn’t start right away, but she didn’t take school seriously her freshman year she ended the year with about 4 credits and next year her sophomore year only got 2 and after her sophomore year she dropped out saying for “mental health” even tho she was doing online school, no job, and was just trying to act like a bad ass. Anna was living with her father and step mom with her brother and half sister, she started getting rebellious smoking weed, smoking nic, having sex with a lot of guys and also going partying. She would run out of her house to go do whatever she wanted, one time I was even was on FaceTime with my ex as she was throwing a tantrum she locked herself in the bathroom screaming that she doesn’t care about her step mom or half sister because their not blood and she doesn’t care if they die, because they tried to take her phone away. She then ended up calling one of her boyfriends to pick her up and she ran out of the house and into his truck, her parents ended up calling the police and she texted her parents off a different phone and when her parents asked where she was her response was “it’s none of your business” she returned the next morning. It turned into a normal thing of her skipping school, sneaking off, breaking things in the house and going into her parent room to steal her phone. She then told her school she was being abused, which got debunked almost instantly since her brother testified and video recording from the neighbors driveway, because she claimed her dad staged her by her head and slammed her head into his truck door, her step mom had a video of her on the porch yanking out her own hair, no damage to the car and video shows her screaming at her house. Her mom locked her out because she didn’t feel safe with her being aggressive with a 2 year old in the house. Her father then put up cameras around the inside and outside of the house just to always have evidence of her lies. One time of her taking the bus to school she got in a fight with someone age 11 when she was 14 then posted on instagram bragging about getting charged with assault. She then made a claim that she wanted to kxxl herself so her family took her to a mental hospital the doctor told her parents she had no mental issues she’s just spoiled and will act out for people attention. Anna would constantly go to social media to complain about getting mistreated by her family. It got to the point her family knew there was not much they could do to help her, and they felt worried for their baby growing up around that. They ended up moving her into a family friends house where her parents stayed in contact with the parents of the other house and they gave money. There was parents and a daughter two years younger she became best friends with it was going well for the first few months but then Anna started to steal from the daughter I’ll call her Nat, they started to not get along and the friends Nat introduced her too she started talking shit about Nat to them. Anna was now 15 attempting to get jobs but couldn’t hold a job because of her bad attitude, well after 9 months Anna slept with Nats boyfriend, Nats boyfriend told Nat about what happened, the mom made Anna call her boyfriend and tell him how she cheated. The tension was too high and the parents told Anna parents they couldn’t take care of Anna anymore, Annas parents then talk to family, and Anna Uncle agreed to let her move in, she was 16 at this point and she moved in with her uncle and his girlfriend. She got a job at a sub place, but she kept smoking and having sex with random people. Well, she started getting into a lot of vocal arguments with his girlfriend and her uncle ended up texted my boyfriend asking if she can live with him. Her uncle said she was just selfish, and doesn’t like being told no. At this time her brother was living in a house with 3 guys with no extra room. I had my own two bedroom apartment, so I talked to her parents and they felt like I was a good choice and I asked Anna because even tho I wasn’t a fan of her I still felt like she needs her own room and she agreed. So her uncle drove her and her stuff to my place. Her family gave me some money to get her some furniture and they gave me a run down, also told me they’re are going to call to check up on her. I asked if she had any allergies or mental issues, she told me no but that she’s likely going to tell me a huge list of what’s wrong with her. So first day she moved in I took her to get fast food and asked some questions. She said she was abused by her parents Nats boyfriend pressured her to sleep with him and that her uncle was manipulative. Every story she told me she made herself a victim. She then asked me if I had any mental issues which I said I have PTSD and MDD and she asked me what MDD was, I explained it to her. I then asked her if she had any issues and she gave me a LIST she said anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder , bi polar disorder, OCD, MDD, and PTSD. Even tho she had to ask me what MDD meant, but I didn’t confront her because her parents warned me that if I doubt her she will act out. So the first week, I got her a job where I work, started to teach her to drive and helped her set up a bank account went to the Apple Store so she could buy herself a new phone. Instantly I could tell why she kept getting fired, she was on her the entire time and everytime I looked over she was taking photos or videos of herself. She did not want to work so I did a lot of her work just so I didn’t get a bad rep. About day 4 she asked if she can invited a guy over that she knew on Snapchat. I said sure MY MISTAKE. This guy was a wanna be gangster, and he brought his friend, in front of him she acted awful, swore she was a fighter and badass, they ended up fucking and next day he was still there he did some Molly and drank a lot. My friend came over and Anna started to threaten her and say she could beat her ass in front of the guys. I took her into a room alone and told her to knock it off. We’ll later that night the guys wanted to bring over some girls, I was trying to sleep and my friend told me how, she told they guys she can drive them with my car. IVE ONLY TAKEN HER DRIVING TWICE. So I agreed to pick the girls up but told them I would be driving them back that night. It’s going good for a while until Anna starts talking shit about one of the girls and called her ghetto, this girl was 13 and Anna was 17. That girl confronted Anna, Anna swore up and down she didn’t say anything, then after 10 mins of pressing her Anna admitted she called her ghetto. This girl beat her ass. Anna started crying and this girl came up to her and said that wasn’t a fair fight, that she can get 5 mins to put her hair up and get some water but they were gonna run it again. Everyone is in my living room talking then they go outside and she gets her ass beat again, Anna then goes into my bathroom in my bedroom, anytime I went in she told me to kick them out. I told her she wanted them here she has to tell them to get out but I’ll have her back. It got to the point I tried to sleep on my couch, so the guys tried getting Anna to go to her room so I could sleep but she screamed at them. So the two girls went in and told her she needs to go to her room. Anna picked up a bunch of my stuff on the counter and threw it at the sink. The 16 year old girl got pissed and wanted to fight her, but I said she had enough and if she needed to get it off her chest we can fight, we ended up scrapping. It got late so I went to drive them home… pt 2?

I sat in our dark bedroom, the computer screen glaring with a harsh, white light. A banner flashed before my eyes: “Seek wisdom by understanding yourself.”
“Chloe, check this out,” I called over my shoulder to my girlfriend playing The Sims on her laptop.
She glanced up, her brow furrowing in confusion before giving me a bemused look. “What the hell are you looking at?” she asked.
“It’s some cult,” I replied, unable to hide my fascination. “I fell down a rabbit hole and found this local place downtown. It's a derivative of Aleister Crowley and Golden Dawn bullshit.” I pointed to the Google Street View image of a dilapidated storefront in an ethnic shopping center.
She smirked, a hint of amusement in her eyes. “I never pegged you as the religious type.”
“Check this out,” I continued, clicking through the site. “They have some photos.”
We spent some time going through the albums celebrating various solstices. Most were taken in an odd room with black and white checkered floors, adorned with Egyptian pseudo-artifacts, bathed in the glow of red and purple lights that transformed the scene into a surreal dreamscape.
The people certainly had an alternative vibe. Tattoos were plentiful, but other than that they looked like they came from all different walks of life. Many of them looked like they had their fair share of bullying in high school - no shortage of that. But most of them looked relatively normal aside from the occasional piercing.
One photograph in particular caught my eye. A woman, sitting in a bright red room, sat on an altar, holding a staff in her right hand, wearing nothing. A man was kneeled before her, his arms tied behind him, rope anchored to the ceiling. They were sliding a knife down his back, a small trickle of blood dripping to the floor.
“Damn,” Chloe started. “She’s butt-ass naked.”
“You wanna go?” I asked. “They’re having a get together tonight.”
“You know what, fuck it. Why not? It’s not like we’re doing anything.” she replied.
“Good,” I smiled, standing up. “Because I already ordered an Uber.”
She sighed before opening a drawer and pulling out a small pipe. “I’ll go, but i'm not going sober.”
It was a cold, shitty Seattle winter night. We got dropped off in the parking lot and spent a few minutes looking for the storefront. We finally found it next to a dog groomer and Pho restaurant with some pun for the name I can’t seem to remember.
We entered the shop, which consisted of two narrow isles separated by wood shelves barely big enough for me to fit down. We spent some time looking at the various items, my attention diverting to a vial of elk blood. I remember wondering if they were even allowed to sell this without some type of medical certification they definitely did not have while Chloe shuffled through a bowl of mix and match crystals.
“Can I help you?” I heard a woman say from the back as she emerged from a beaded curtain. She was a short, overweight woman wearing what I could only describe as a sports bra and hula skirt.
“Hi, uh,” I stuttered. “I’m George and this is Chloe. We’re here for the… winter solstice celebration?”
“Oh, goodie! Newcomers!” she said with an out of place, overjoyed expression as she clapped her hands. Chloe and I laughed nervously.
“The door is in the back, but you can come through here just this time.” she said with a smile, arm holding the beaded curtain open.
We walked through a dark hallway, somehow more cramped than the shop, into a rather large room. A gaggle of people were huddled in the back, which Chloe and I quietly shuffled into.
A bearded man paraded around the room, white robes and red headdress cascading into a cloak, knuckles adorned with several large rings gripping a spear, held vertically in front of him. Behind him, another bald man, white robes and yellow cloak, followed behind, white sleeves crossed over his chest.
I glanced at Chloe’s bloodshot eyes, THC clearly flowing through her system. I gave her a knowing look, as if to say Having fun yet? She returned a slow smile.
Without warning, the entire crowd clapped their hands together over their heads as a woman in blue robes walked past, waving a censure leaking white smoke. We awkwardly followed to match the group.
The blue curtains on the back wall opened to reveal an older Asian woman sitting perched on the altar I saw in the photos, again, completely naked. And before you ask, no. She wasn’t attractive. It’s never the ones you hope it is. The red robed man kneeled down and softly kissed her knees.
I glanced back at Chloe. Her smile was so big I was afraid she was going to laugh at any moment. I pinched her on the side and whispered into her ear “Do. Not. Fucking. Laugh”. Honestly, I think I just made it worse. Her face turned beet red as she bit her cheeks.
The ritual went on for another half hour or so. They must’ve said “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law” at least a dozen times.
We were getting kind of bored and were ready to leave before the woman in the blue robes wandered in with a caged chicken.
"No fucking way" I thought. Surely enough, the man in the yellow robes held the chicken high in the air, before slitting its throat and draining blood into a large metallic basin. The man winced as the chicken flailed violently, scratching up his arms, before eventually succumbing to blood loss.
One by one, each person there stood between a white and black pillar saying love and intention in Greek before eating a piece of something, taking a sip of blood, and saying “There is no part of me that is not of the Gods.”
Chloe and I hung back, and politely declined when our turn came. Once all was said and done, they busted out some alcohol and started celebrating. We slipped out into the street, bursting out laughing. After we finally collected ourselves, Chloe whipped out her phone and showed me she took dozens of pictures of the ritual.
We laughed our asses off the entire way home. First thing she did was open her laptop and post the pictures on Twitter, tagging the lodge with the caption “me and the boys chilling right now”.
We returned to the usual rhythm of our lives. I went to work, conducting meetings and answering emails, while Chloe went back to her classes. A few days later, Chloe checked her Twitter and saw that she had gained a few thousand likes. The whole ordeal became a running joke between us.
I would eat fruit snacks and sip on my soda, saying, “There is no part of me that is not of the Gods”. A few weeks later, we had mostly forgotten about it, except for the occasional recounting as a funny story to regale our friends.
One night while Chloe and I were spending our evening the usual way with me on the computer and her on her laptop, I felt her furiously tap my shoulder while staring wide eyed at the window. Confused, I took my headphones off and walked over, pulling back the curtain to reveal 6 people standing in black robes and animal masks watching us from the hillside.
“What do we do, should I call the cops?” Chloe whimpered.
“No, they’re just a bunch of larpers. They’re not going to do shit! Just trying to scare us.” I said angrily as I closed the blinds and hopped back on my computer.
Chloe sat there for a few minutes in a tense pose with her arms folded together. She went to double check the door was locked, before we continued our night as normal.
The next day I got a text from Chloe frantically telling me to come home immediately. When I arrived, there was a squad car parked outside our building. I ran up the stairs to see two officers standing by Chloe in the doorway. I nearly shouted asking what was going on. They lead me inside to show me a massive black symbol drawn on our wall, a six-pointed star made from one continuous line.
We finished our police report and they told us they’d get back to us if they find anything. I’ve been robbed often enough to know that means they’re going to forget about this before they’ve even gotten back into their squad car.
Furious, I stormed over to the shop and banged on the window. The hula skirt woman came over and cracked the door open just enough for me to see one of her eyes.
“What the fuck do you think your little posse is doing!?” I screamed at her. “Breaking into my apartment like that!? You all are fucking psychos!”
“I haven’t any idea what you’re talking about”, she said with a sly grin.
“Oh, yeah?” I said pointing a finger in her face. “If anyone tries any shit like that again I’m going to burn your goddamn shop to the ground, do you hear me?”
She looked at the ground, clearly nervous. I have never blown up at a stranger like this but I could tell my threats were working.
After a moment of silence I stormed off again, back towards home.
“You meddle with forces you do not understand!” she called out from the shop.
I picked up a glass bottle from the sidewalk and chucked it, smashing against her shop window, forcing her to close the door and disappear into the shadows. I’m not particularly proud of how I behaved in this moment, but unless you’ve had someone break into your home and draw shit on the walls, hold on to your judgment.
The next few days passed without so much as a peep from them. Chloe and I began to relax, convincing ourselves that the cult had been scared off. Life seemed to be returning to normal, and the unsettling incident became just another story.

My boyfriend and i met last year while i was living in mexico. we were both on intense spiritual journeys and it seemed like our life visions and goals aligned. I was really hesistant to date him bc he was really into his self image (muscles, tattoos, tough guy from oakland). Not really my type. I enjoy highly intellectual convos and not taking myself too seriously. plus he lived far away and i knew i didnt want long distance. he convinced me to give him a chance and flew back every month to see me. But hes disciplined, stoic, doesnt give a fuck about other women, and committed to a healthy spiritual life. hes funny and goofy and i love being around him. introduced me to his friends very quickly and they had a lot of drama that they dumped onto me. seeking my advice etc. then his dad got cancer and he brought him to mexico to do ayahuasca. we had only been dating 2 months and he was asking me to hold A LOT of space for him his friends and his family. im an herbalist so i formulated medicines for him, picked up groceries, drove him to the hospital. it was a lot. I felt from the jump he wasnt a very considerate person.
I communicated time & time again that I felt he didnt have room on his plate to really get to know me and start a deep meaningful relationship. he assured me he was ready and in love with me, but I still felt super neglected. Time passed, we have been together for a year, moved back to the states last sept, he moved in with me. I pay all the bills since he was starting fresh, i already had a job. Now after living with him I'm learning that he has a very avoidant attachment style. he would fly back home for a couple weeks and wouldnt say i love you or i miss you. i asked him why, he said well u always say it first and ill always say it back. i asked him to please be more communicative so i can FEEL this love he says he has for me. Says he will. still rare to hear him say these things.
I have sought therapy, expressed the importance of connection, esp in the morn & night. still doesnt cuddle with me at night, doesnt intitiate sex ever (says he has deep fear of initimacy, & we can only have sex when he wants in the 1 position that makes him feel secure), no "im thinking of you" texts (says no, dude i dont miss you when im at work for just 8 hours). I bring up my needs all the time and he tells me i need to keep reminding him when i want these things.
BUT he admits to having all of these issues, asks me for patience & guidance in loving me the way i want. Says hes starting therapy in June. Knows this is a toxic pattern he wants to break. we do good for a week then its back. I find myself laying in bed crying a couple times a week, feeling neglected. I come from a violent drug feuled childhood, I didnt have any secure relationship with adults, so i can go to anxious very quick. I am working on myself bc I know my past is what keeps me feeling like i have to earn someones love. Did this same dance w my ex but he told me "what u want is a fantasy, its not realistic." even still, had a hard time breaking that one off.
the thing is, everyone around him tells me this is THE MOST love and compassion they have ever seen him exhibit in a relationship. He usually runs away. The fact that he chased me for months was shocking to his friends n family. I KNOW he loves me, but is it fair that im constantly feeling like I have to compromise my needs for closeness and connection, while I wait for him to HOPEFULLY change? itsnt it unfair for me to even ask him to change? doesnt that mean i dont love HIM but i hope he can become? *would love to hear from other avoidant men, i know women will just say RUN
EDIT: I'm really into healing. I stay with him bc I want to heal my anxious attachment. I actually wanna be more like him. more indpenedent on my own, not need constant reassurance. is staying w an avoidant thats open to change the wrong way to heal? arent all men kinda avoidant?

These are the things I learned about residency that I wish I could tell myself as a July intern on wards service. I know many of y’all here will disagree with a few, but this is how I see it. There’s definitely quite a few missing, so y’all fill in what I forgot.

• You earned the right to be here. You’ve proven you can do it so don’t doubt yourself.
• You’re not expected to know everything on day 1. Your job is to show up with a good attitude and ready to work hard.
• Listen to the nurses. Some of these critical care nurses, especially. Ask for their input and don’t brush them off as mere nurses because many of them know wayyy more than you do.
• Write things down. Print a list and make check boxes by each patient for what needs to get done that day. There are interns who forget things and interns who write things down.
• The first thing you need to learn is to tell sick from not sick, and that can be tricky at times. Later on you refine that until you see a whole spectrum of how sick a patient is.
• Don’t waste too much time pre-rounding. Brief pertinent exam, ask patient about changes in symptoms, but the highest yield is asking the nurses what went on overnight.
• Call consults before noon if you can. It’s a courtesy to the consultant/their team plus they’re far more likely to be seen that day, avoiding a delay in workup for the patient.
• Your note doesn’t have to be an essay. Keep things simple and don’t get bogged down in eloquent explanations or exhaustive reviews of a problem’s history for most routine stuff.
• However, document your reasoning well. Especially in tough cases, drop a paragraph about why you’re doing what you’re doing and that the patient agrees. For tough decisions, explain why benefit outweighs risk.
• Auto text or whatever your EMR uses. Make an arsenal of these. Use them for everything. If you have a kind of case you see a lot, template out a note so you make sure you’re documenting all the important stuff in an efficient manner. You can spend time to make these really thorough especially for counseling you routinely give.
• Be cool to your co-interns. Y’all are about to spend the next few years together. Don’t leave them in a lurch or punt to others all the time.
• Call the seniofellow/attending, especially at first. Even if they give you attitude, it’s ultimately their responsibility and they should know that.
• Try to update families daily if you can, especially for your ICU folks.
• Never, ever lie. Even once will destroy your credibility.
• Have a good attitude in a way that refuses to be bullied - don’t take that shit.
• Read all your own images. Then when rads drops a report, read that and see if you can find what they’re describing for every notes finding. It’ll make you a better doctor.
• Get to your new city as early as possible. Do things like car inspection, dentist appointment, vet appointment, etc. before July kicks off.
• Our profession has a high rate of substance abuse. Do what that what you will.
• Sit down with your family and SO and let them know what to expect and try to explain how intense this job is. When there’s a difference between expectation and reality, you have problems. Either way, it’ll strain your relationships. Make sure they know it’s not like other jobs and that when you have to work, it’s not because you’re just choosing to. Be prepared to miss birthdays, holidays, etc.
• Because of this, be deliberate on spending time with your SO/friends/family even if you’re dead tired. Go to dinner once a week. Talk as often as possible even when you just want to sleep.
• Wear comfortable shoes
• Scour the hospital for the best restroom. Sometimes having a proper relaxed shit can turn a day around.
• Get to know your chiefs. Go to them with problems earlier rather than later.
• Use every minute of PTO
• Step outside the hospital for a few minute a day when you can. See the sunshine.
• Make friends with the cafeteria staff and they’ll hook you up to no end.
• Make friends with the transporters and techs - they will save you.
• Appreciate the hell out of what PT/OT/SLP do.
• Know how to tell a patient no. Realize how manipulative people can be.
• Pharmacy is your friend - they know things
• If something is emergent, keep calling to follow up. If your crashing patient needs abx, it’s not like some doctor video game where you put the order in STAT and everyone goes rushing. Call down and check the status, let them know it’s needed now.
• Don’t order everything STAT
• Calling people in general gets so much more done and avoids so many headaches. I’ve found that back and forth via the secure messaging app/system is just frustrating and inefficient.
• You’re going to lose your first patient. Remember how you feel, and make sure you never forget it. You’ll need it later.
• Hang out outside of work, invite the nurses and therapy staff as well. Try and build a culture of friendship - it’s contagious.
• Election ‘24 is coming up in November so work is a great place to talk candidly about politics and try to change others’ beliefs /s
• If you’re struggling, reach out to someone.
• Try to get outside on your days off
• It’s not uncommon to end up on an SSRI
• Take the stairs places as much as you can. Cardio and a nice lower body workout.
• Answer pages as they come in. Anything STAT call back the moment you see it. Aim to get back to everyone within 5 minutes if you can. This will prevent you from falling behind.
• Day to night nurse shift change. Wait 30-45 minutes, then go around and talk to the nurse for all your patients. Let them get report and see if they have questions. Explain the plan, agree on when to call you, make sure orders all look good and make sense. We even used to bring candy from the physicians lounge to pass out for this event. This practice will put the nurse at ease, help you both put faces to names, develops rapport, and importantly reduces pages increasing your chance of sleeping.
• Put the diet order in
• Keep your presentations short and to the point unless someone wants them longer. Know the details, but you don’t have to recite them. You don’t have to say all the exam findings that were normal and not related to the patient’s disease. This holds attention better and shows that you really understand what’s important to why the patient is there.
• Always be prepared to dodge a punch when near a geriatric patient
• Even a 5-10 minute phone call with your loved ones on a frequent basis can do wonders
• Some people are just assholes and you can’t take things personally
• Other people are mad at something else and want to take it out on you.
• Be cool to the med students
• Get good at delivering bad news
• Celebrate delivering good news
• Fuck prior authorizations man
• When calling a consult, have a specific clinical question you need help answering. Know the patient well. Keep the call centered around what you need from them but be ready to provide details if needed. “Dr. X wants you on board” is resident code for “I know it’s bullshit but my attending made me call.”
• Delirium and sundowning are real af. The trick is to get them home.
• Benzos aren’t just “settle down” drugs. It’s like a whisky shot through the vein in the sense that it can also disinhibit people and make wildness worse
• Get to know 1 thing about each patient other than what’s in their chart. What job did they have? What’s their favorite team? Do they have pets? You’ll remember them better when the list is large and it can make the job more rewarding
• If the nurse is worried ALWAYS go to bedside
• If you feel the urge to get a tattoo, do it
• Read everyone’s note each day on your patients
• Case managers and social workers are heroes. Get to know them and work together to get patients proper dispo
• Don’t wear your damn shoes in the call room bed after they’ve been all over that nasty ass hospital floor.
• Sit down in patient rooms if you can. It shows you’re listening, it’s less intimidating for them, and they’ll tell you more.
• Talk louder to older patients
• Try to explain things in simple terms.
• Sternal rub like you mean it
• Sit down one day, caffeinate, and do all those stupid compliance modules in a single painful bolus.
• Never make the same mistake twice
• If things don’t add up, your math is wrong. Go back to the history and exam. Go back and ask more questions.
• Some patients don’t care about their health and won’t look after it after all you do. That’s just the gig.
• If something adverse for residents goes into place on a “temporary” basis, it never goes back the other way. Fight for your rights.
• Almost everything (intubation for example) is better done at 3pm than frantically at 3am.
• You’re not crazy - the patient always tells the attending something completely different or remembers some important detail. We get it.
• Have a good comfort show to stream when you come home half dead.
• Eat and sleep when you can.
• Ask yourself what it is that’s keeping this person in the hospital
• Trust but verify (that’s actually a Russian proverb Reagan borrowed when speaking about the USSR)
• Remember to love it more than you hate it. Find a way to make it fun. They say it’s the best time you never want to have again. You get to save and improve human lives. There’s no greater calling in the world than that.

Edit: a few typos and added clarity on why some of these are beneficial

This’ll be a rather mundane vent on a non-dramatic breakup. I’m posting this as a method of self reflection to help cope.
I (40sM) dated her (40sF) for about six months exclusively, and I suppose this is around the time most relationships either progress or fizzle. Truth be told, I haven’t been thrilled with the relationship for the last few months, so this is likely a blessing in disguise. Still, it hurts.
We met on Bumble, she reached out first, and we had a six hour date the next day. We had a lot of differences - I have no kids (she’s a single mom of 2), I’m into fitness/martial arts (she walks and gardens), I’m a nerd/gamereadetech geek (she’s not any of those things). But we were both introverts, and we laughed a lot together. Since that first date, we were exclusive and spent a lot of time together. I loved her wit, she loved animals, and things seemed really fun at first.
The struggles began early. Even though I appear rather “masculine” (muscly, tattooed, ex Marine)…I’m actually quite sensitive. If you’re into MBTI, I’m an INFJ - A. She is quite clear in telling people that she’s insensitive, doesn’t have time for feelings, and can’t process her own. This should’ve been the first red flag where I cut and run. But I didn’t. I figured we’d talk through any issues that came up. I’ve been through therapy, have read self improvement/relationship counseling books, and I’ve done a lot of self work. She was very clear about the importance of stating issues and concerns clearly, and I like that.
Our relationship followed that standard, typical template of mismatched temperaments - things were great until a conflict. She’d do something insensitive, I’d get hurt, I’d try to talk it out, and she’d get explosively, angrily defensive - and completely unaware (or uncaring) of how that’d impact me. Sometimes it’d happen right away, other times we’d appear to have a calm discussion…only for me to get lashed out at the next day after she’d had time to think. She was blindly focused on being “right”, instead of understanding or compromise. Another red flag.
I wasn’t blameless - I can be overly sensitive, as she liked to tell me, and I enjoy semi frequent communication in between visits. We’d see each other on the weekends, and I wanted to stay connected during the week with texts. She felt put off by that, and would go a day or so without responding. When I brought it up, she’d get angry and say “I just don’t miss you that much during the week - I’m independent and I don’t need consistent communication”. Again, another clear sign of incompatibility. I need to pay attention to these things.
She felt smothered, I felt disconnected. So I pulled back, texted less, and kept my feelings to myself. I supported her through some big changes, and kept quiet about my own wants. Things went GREAT when I did that, as you can imagine. I tried to just focus on enjoying our time together, while pulling myself back when apart. I thought it might be good for me.
I should mention the dynamic of our relationship at this point. It was sorta…one-sided. She left the “honeymoon period” quicker than I did, and I became the driver for things. I also paid for most dates, cooked meals for her, drove her around (because she drove her kids all week)…she enjoyed me “taking care of her”. She introduced me to her friends (at her request), I’d help her with gardening and home projects, and I even helped her with work problems. Our conversations were primarily her venting and complaining. We live apart, and we spent weekends at her place because it’s bigger, has her dog, and it’s more private. My place is smaller, I have cats, and a roommate. I didn’t mind this arrangement - I enjoyed her company, she was affectionate, and we laughed a lot.
She never showed much of an interest in my things, to the point of “yeah, I hate gaming/am not a readethat’s kid stuff”. We did binge GoT, which I appreciated. She never expressed interest in my friends, who are also nerdy gamer friends. She’d offer to meet them if I wanted, but I never pushed it because she didn’t seem enthusiastic. I figured if she wanted to meet my friends, or stay at my place, she’d ask. Because she was always clear about “just say what you want”.
I’m sad, so I’m painting a one-sided picture here. I should note the fun times we had. We went to Vegas for a weekend, did E, and had a great time. I took her house sitting to my family’s beautiful coastal home, and we visited some of my childhood haunts and botanical gardens (she’s a plant fanatic). We took the train to a beach town, and spent a long weekend smoking pot and eating. We hiked, we took a lot of walks, we’d get stoned and watch laser shows. We’d wear pajamas, smoke pot, and binge tv while cooking stupid food.
She also has a lot of lovely characteristics. She’s hilarious and witty, she’s really intelligent about her hobbies/work, she’s very devoted to her friends and family, and she’s beautiful. She’d be considerate in small ways - picking up things at the store, etc. She also had a really busy life - two teens, a full time job, and a tight social/family circle. I never distrusted her, never worried about cheating or any of that stuff. She wasn’t physically affectionate, but would try to be because it’s important to me. She’d compliment me and say nice things.
She wasn’t a bad partner, and neither was I. But months of me keeping quiet about my feelings, recognizing her waning enthusiasm, and feeling dissatisfied in the relationship came to a head this weekend. I had some weird, confusing feelings about feeling taken advantage of, or at least putting in more effort than her - I wanted to process it more, but she wanted to talk. We had, what I thought, was a calm and open discussion. I never said that I don’t appreciate her, and I thought I reassured her. It seemed fine, I left, texting was fine.
Next morning she called me and dumped me. She pointed out all the things she done “for me”, like introducing me to her friends (I never asked for that, and I was generally excluded/ignored at gatherings), including me in her gardening (I don’t care about gardening, I took an interest to connect with her), spending weekends together (I also spent MY weekends with her, at her place, because she was more comfortable there). She got quite mad at the idea of me paying for things and driving, stating “I’ve never paid for any of my meals on a date”. She claimed I never let her into my life, introduced her to my friends, etc. She felt unappreciated, and like I was going to keep score.
I was shocked at her anger. It seemed to come out of nowhere, and if all these things were on her mind…why didn’t she communicate them? Had she asked, i would’ve scheduled a friend meet that week! I would’ve told her not to bother introducing me to her friends if she viewed it as a “favor” to me. Hell, any grievance she communicated in the past was dealt with immediately and decisively by me…so she knows I don’t fuck around.
She said she was done, I didn’t want to end things in an ugly manner so I told her I loved her, she’s a beautiful person, and I hope she finds what she wants. I sent a final text apologizing for any hurt, and other kind things. She sent a LONG, dumping text basically shitting on me. I sent another kind “I’m sorry for any hurt I caused, you’re a wonderful person, I wish you well”. Then I blocked her.
It’s like a gut punch. I know I could’ve handled things better, and she definitely could’ve. It’s clear that she wanted a low maintenance partner, and I wanted a reciprocal equal partner. She needs to do some work on her temper and conflict issues, and I need to be more discerning and aware of red flags early.
Thank you for reading, it helps to write this all down.

I had a wonderful childhood. I couldn't have asked for a better one. My parents, brother, family, ... so much love in my life.
As I got older, I started to become exposed to the harsh realities of life. The people closest to me and the ones I loved the most started to get sick and pass away. I lost my dog. Life wasnt the same. And later, was diagnosed with Crohns which had a massive impact on my life and self confidence. I felt like a lab rat.. so many tests, doctor visits, medicine, diets, needles, ... eventually extensive surgery.
Luckily, after years of torture, I made it out ok. I started to build back my confidence, and was optimistic about the future. Before I knew it, I met the love of my life. I felt so extremely lucky to have you in my life. It felt like a dream. I felt that after all that pain and loss, I had finally had something good happen to me.
As time we on, we became best friends. You confessed your love to me, said I was different than all the rest, and you saw a future with me. You expressed how special I was to you. I felt the same way.
We met eachothers families, who became so close with eachother. I truly loved your family, they felt like home. My family loved you so much... my parents loved you like a daughter, and I knew you loved them too. We had everyone's support and love. We were the golden couple. We grew and experiences so much together. Bought our first house, saw the world, new jobs, school, ... Everyone was so proud of us, and we were proud of eachother.
Somewhere along the way, you started seeking outside the relationship for attention. I knew you were very social, so at first, I was happy to see you making friends. I knew you had a difficult childhood and past, and didn't have many good friends, so I was very supportive and encouraged you to do things with your friends.
We were inseparable. Always going things together, planning trips, going on adventures. Everything was easy. We enjoyed eachothers company so much. We made eachother laugh, feel loved, and safe. We were so comfortable and open, goofy with eachother, and always so intimate.
We shared a lot of the same hobbies: plants/garden, camping, trails, video games, movies, travel, outdoors, relaxing at home, ... it didn't seem to matter what we were doing, we were happy together.
I loved making you smile and laugh. I loved seeing you happy doing what you loved, or eating a meal I'd prepare for you.
I always wanted you to have the best. Since you were in school, I provided for you. Food, toys, restaurants, trips, ... whatever you wanted. I wanted to give you the world. It felt so good to make you happy.
You would tease me and hint towards wanting to get engaged. After 3 years, it happened. We were so happy, and you were so excited and happy to share the big news. We started planning our wedding, moved into a bigger house, new jobs, everything felt good.
I never expected to love someone so much. This young woman brought so much love, happiness, and adventure into my life. She completed changed everything. Everything was so easy.. effortless.. felt right.
When we moved into your dream home, things became more stressful. The house needed a lot of work, as well as the property. Regardless, we were willing and eager to tackle projects together and were excited to make things our own.
As time went on, and school/work seemed to become more stressful for you, I was left finishing a lot of our projects and maintaining them by myself. I also stepped up and started trying to take on more of the chores and responsibilities so that you could focus on school/work and still have time to relax. I was happy to help give you some relief.
After a few months, your brother asked to be our roommate for a time. I was hesitant, but you encouraged me that it would be a good thing. He would pay and help around the house. At first, it was nice. However, as time we on, it became more and more stressful.
The stress of doing everything and having a roommate that didn't mesh well with us overwhelmed me. I knew it was temporary, so I endured it.
One day, you came home from your new job and expressed what a good day you had.. that you had the chance to work with a different doctor, and that he was very fun and nice. I was so happy to hear it, since I knew you hadn't been having good days and people had been difficult. I was glad you seemed to have a mentor.
You started to have more good days than bad, working with this person more and more. You started talking to me about them more, sharing things you learned and talked with him about. As time went on, I started to feel a bit jealous. You had been spending more time with this person than me... your shifts were long, and I hadn't been seeing you as much. You started even talking to our parents about this person.
I started to notice you texting him while we were at home together. I'd ask, and you'd happily share whatever it was you guys were talking about. One evening, you were texting this doctor late at night. I approached you about this, and expressed how it was making me feel. I felt that it had started to become too much, and wasn't appropriate. I didn't like the idea of this older married man communicating with my young fiance so much. I expressed that I was happy that you had a friend at work, but felt that it was becoming too personal and inappropriate. You tried to reassure me that you were just friends, and that he was old and married, you would never be attracted to him. I stood firm and expressed that I would like for you to only communicate while at work, or for work related matters. You agreed and assured me it was nothing.
As time went on, I noticed you would sometimes hide your phone, turn it away, flip it upside down, or turn it off as I walked by. At first, I thought it was just me being paranoid. But as time went on, it started to mess with my head... otherwise, everything was good, so I told myself it was nothing. You started to enjoy that type of work and decided to join his practice. I was happy you were able to make up your mind and find something you enjoyed. Time went on. At some point, you needed an invasive procedure done... and you requested that doctor complete it. I didn't love the idea, but you preferred to have someone do it that you trusted. After that, the doctor seemed to be a thing of the past.
As the wedding date approached, the excitement increased. We had everything planned out and we were so excited for our big day. I saw how happy you were throughout the whole process. I couldn't believe our big day was right around the corner.
Our wedding was like a dream. Everything came together so nicely. We had the best night of our lives. I loved seeing you so happy with our friends and family there to celebrate with us. We went on a wonderful honeymoon and I felt so loved and appreciated.
Once we returned home, our roommate left, and stress started to decrease dramatically in the house. I was so relieved. You finished school, graduated, and I threw you a big surprise party to celebrate. I had always put together parties for all your special occasions, and I knew you really appreciated that. After so many nights helping you study, it felt wonderful to see you walk across that stage and finally finish.
You shortly after moved to a different hospital, and seemed to really like your new job and everyone there. Life was so good...
The house and our list of responsibilities and all the maintenance was still a lot, but I felt we were quickly starting to knock things off our list.
One week, you started working a lot... I hardly saw you that week. We'd always text and check in, saying we loved eachother, missed eachother, and looked forward to seeing eachother. When the weekend finally arrived, you had mentioned your best friend invited you to join her for girl time. I realized you hadn't seen her much lately and encouraged it.
That weekend, my grandmother had been struggling. I felt alone in our big house and had wished you were there. We checked in on eachother while you were gone. I was expecting you to return one evening, so I had dinner prepared. I was hurt when you didn't arrive and decided to stay another night with your friend.
When I saw you the next morning, I was feeling pretty down. I was already sad about my grandmother, but also felt like an after thought that week. You were so happy to see me, which was nice. We had a nice evening, spent time together, .. you never stopped telling me you loved me.
The next day after work, I got home, and you seemed so cold and distant. You seemed bothered by something. I checked in, asked if you needed anything, then went about my day. It seemed like you wanted space. I checked in every few hours, and you were busy doing something on your laptop.
I prepared dinner and started watching TV. I encouraged you to take a break, eat, and relax some before bed. You joined me on the couch, but was quiet and explained that you had some work to finish.
As it got late, I went up to bed. You explained you'd be up a little longer while you finished your work. As the hours went by, I thought it was so odd that you weren't in bed yet. I knew you had to get up early... sleep was always such a priority. I got up to check on you and to get some water. You were still on your laptop.. I noticed you were looking at rooms to something. I encouraged you to get some sleep. You joined me, looking exhausted.
We cuddled, said we loved eachother, then fell asleep. The next morning, I finished getting ready for work while you slept. As I was getting ready to leave, I sae your laptop. I decided to check and see what you were looking at... another air bnb for a trip? I was curious. We shared the laptop, so I didn't feel like I was invading her privacy.
I opened the laptop and saw apartments. I was so confused. I checker her email.. apartments. I noticed she had Facebook messenger up with recent messages. I checked... my world turned upside down. Those seconds felt like eternity as my heart sounded and my stomach sank. I read a message to a friend saying she wanted a divorce, never loved me, felt like a stranger in her house, dreaded coming home to me, ... that she loved a doctor.. he's married, but his wife is a lesbian. That was easily the worst moment of my life. I panicked and didn't know what to do... I was in shock. After a few minutes, I decided to address this with you.
I quietly walked up the stairs, sat on the edge of the bed, and calmly woke you up. You were sleepy, asking why I woke up.. you still had about 30m before work. I apologized for waking you.. As I looked at you silently, I started to cry. I quietly said "I know...". "I saw the messages". She looked back at me in shock.. eyes wide in the dark. I asked if she had been having an affair. She said no.. then started to look at me as if I wad a stranger. It was a terrible feeling.
You got up to get ready for work, and said we'd talk later that evening. You left. I was standing in the driveway and felt sick. I wasn't sure if I could make it to work.. but being at the house was making me feel worse, so I left. I didn't eat anything that while day. While at work, I prepared myself for our talk.
When we both got home, you pulled up to the house and started to pack some things while I sat on the couch. When you finally joined me, you were quiet.. asked about my day, I asked about yours.. then more silence. I asked what you needed from me. You explained that you were feeling very anxious, and didn't want me to get upset. You said you were going to stay with a friend for a few days to clear your head and wanted to talk once we were both rested.
You left for almost a week while I stayed in our big empty house, taking care of our pets, and completely confused and dead inside. I hardly ate or slept. I desperately started reading and watching whatever information I could find to help explain what was happening and to prepare myself. I spent most of my time thinking, reflecting on our life. I started tonrealize how stressed I had been... and thought about all the things I should/could have done differently. I knew I treated her so well, but no one is perfect.
Looking back, I started to think about all the red flags. Love is blind. I truly loved, trusted, and cared for this person more than anyone in the world. I thought she felt the same way... I never imagined us seperating.
I started to think of that doctor she used to talk about.. and realized she probably never stopped talking to him. I started to realize that my wife had stopped opening up to me... was no longer emotional or vulnerable... her emotional? affair started to kill the emotional intimacy between us.
I was happy just to have her in my life and enjoyed just being with her... she never expressed or talked about being unhappy... if I had known, I feel certain that we could have fixed whatever was lacking. I would have met whichever needs werent being met.
Were you lonely while I was busy working hard for us? Was she bored? I would have happily planned more outings... whenever I suggested something, you expressed that you were tired or didn't show interest. I knew you enjoyed time alone, so I never felt bad doing my own thing. I figured you would tell me of you needed or felt something...
I was so confused... started to question what was real. When did this all start? Why? How? Terrible thoughts entered my mind... so many late shifts, staying the night at the hospital, leaving early to get the air bnbs ready, ...
I also realized that towards the end, you had suddenly started to listen to different music, got a nose piercing, tattoo, talked about signing up for a sport, working out, ... these were all things I knew you had wanted to do for awhile, but it was all so sudden.
Why didn't you ever communicate... I recall you expressing your concern with my stress, but nothing else. I felt that my stress was reasonable considering everything I was doing.. and knew it was temporary. I didn't ignore it though. I saw a therapist, and started making changes. Was it all too late?
When we finally spoke again, it was so nice to just see you. We sat and you were so friendly and sweet - it reassured me that everything was going to be ok. We made small talk and joked, which immediately lightened the mood. You suggested I spoke first. I expressed my feelings and how important the marriage was.. that I'd so anything to save it. I took responsibility for my side of things and expressed the changes I had made and would continue to make. When you started, you expressed that you would always cherish our time together, but we're set on divorce. That we both deserved to be truly happy. Shortly after, you left.
The days after, you started packing your things while I was at work. I was living in a big empty house, every day getting more and more empty. I was a complete mess living in hell. Her family started to reach out to me and shower me with support, apologies, and disbelief. No one could make sense of this.
After a week or so, I couldn't take it any more, so I moved to stay with my parents while we finished moving out. I attempted to stay cordile through all this. You seemed so unphased and happy... texting me and talking to me like we were still best friends.
You explained that you felt bad for saying you never loved me... that you did, but not in the way a wife should love their husband. That it could be years, but in the future, I could count on you.
As time went on, and the pain increased, I was more distant. You texted more and more. Finally, I suggested that we limit communication unless she was interested in working on our marriage.
As the days went by, you grew colder and irritated.. I started to feel like the bad guy. I know you started to feel the weight of your decisons, and starred to project onto me. Making me the bad guy made you feel better. I attempted to end things on a good note... being helpful throughout the move out process, but you were so cold. It hurt so much... 5 wonderful years tossed aside like it never mattered.
I havent talked to you in weeks... I miss my best friend, my love, your family, our pets, and the wonderful life we built. I'm left trying to pickup the pieces. I feel so lost, confused, broken, ...
The tremendous amount of support I've gotten from both sides has helped a lot. I'm seeing a therapist, reading a lot, eating more, working out, and focusing on my self. The days are getting better, but I still have days where I am a mess.
I havent been sleeping well... always tired. Waking up several times, terrible nightmares and thoughts of you being with another man... I still have believe you would be capable of all this.. of hurting me so much.
I have urges to reach out to you... wanting to fix this, that there must be a misunderstanding... there are so many things I'd like to say. I got complacent and comfortable during our time together. I stopped doing the little things as often as I used to... I never meant to hurt you, make you feel lonely, unloved, unappreciated, ... whatever it is you felt. It's difficult for me to accept that my sweet innocent wife was capable of this... surely there was a reason?? I was just so caught up in my list of things... I was working so hard for our future.
I feel like my wife was manipulated by this man... why does an older doctor (20 years older) have a lesbian wife? He doesn't love her like she seems to think... he is using her. I feel sorry for her... I know there is no future there.
I've done a lot of reading on Attachment Styles, Limerence, love addiction, and other things that come as a result of childhood trauma. I feel like a lot of this has to do with her trauma... but also her selfishness and emotional immaturity. There is nothing I can do. I just pray she figures things out on her own, finds longlasting happiness, and puts an end to this cycle.
I would love it if we were able to reconnect in the future... I still deeply love and care for her. I don't want our story to end... none of this feels right. My gut is screaming that this is all wrong. I just know we both need to work on ourselves for the time being.
One day I had it all, the next, it crashed down before my eyes. Meeting you was the best thing to happen to me... you leaving was the worst. You rushed out of my life so quickly... I wish things were different.

Hi everyone. I'm incredibly stressed and peeved about this repeat behavior, and before I talk to my bf, I need to know if I'm justified in feeling the way I do or not.
Some quick backstory: my bf has struggled with suicidal ideation most of his life. He's also had a really hard couple of years- financial troubles, divorce, losing most of his friends in said divorce, and struggling with a BPD diagnosis. He got low enough that about 6 months ago, he made an attempt on his life. He tried overdosing, and was hospitalized for it. I actually called him at the time because he was texting weird and I got worried, and his speech was so slurred, and I heard him throw up. It's haunted me. I also lost my best friend to suicide 2.5 years ago. It's an extremely sensitive topic.
So the thing I'm upset about. My bf and I follow each other on reddit (sidenote: not this one. This is my venting account). He follows me because I post quite a bit, mostly about my pets and tattoos and clothes. I really only followed him back for shits and gigs- he didn't post anything, ever. Well a few months back, he unexpectedly starting using his account as a sort of journal, just making posts about his mental health. I saw one of these posts, it was rambling and dark and depressing, talked a lot of death. I called him immediately, and after initial confusion, he basically said, "oh, I was just feeling low last night, it's nothing serious, just wanted to get it off my chest." I accepted that.
Flash forward a month, I see another of these dark posts. And I was trying to stay calm; afterall, last time he said it was just journaling. So I texted him. And then again. And again. Then I called him. And I kept calling him. I don't remember how long it took, but I was on the verge of a panic attack and calling in a welfare check when he finally called me back. He'd fallen asleep. I told him how fucking scary that was and that I didn't want to see his reddit anymore, and to please block me. I asked that he block me so that in moments of nervousness/morbid curiosity, I wouldn't go unblocking and looking for him. Now that I know his account, it's really hard when he seems low to not go check. I always get this awful thought in my mind of, "what if he made another post, said goodbye, and actually did it, and I could've intervened if I'd just seen the post?" He's insisted that's not going to happen, that the posts are actually his way of fighting the urge. I just can't handle the stress. So I ended up blocking him.
A few days later, he asked me to unblock him because he wanted me to see a post he'd made. I was hesitant, but I did. It was a post just to his account, a gentle reminder to himself that his life is improving all the time, that he loves me and I him, and that he needs to stop scaring me. It was very sweet and I appreciated it.
Then last night. Another dark, rambling post about suicide. This one I didn't ignore. I again texted him. Waited 20 minutes and texted him again. Rinse and repeat... over the course of 3 hours, I texted him 7 or 8 times. He never even read the texts. I started to panic again, tried to stay calm, but I couldn't breathe or slow my heart rate, I felt nauseous. I tried calling him, over and over. Nothing. Once again, I was on the verge of calling in a welfare check. Finally, 3.5 hours after that post, he calls me back. He'd fallen asleep again.
I'm not upset that he uses his reddit to vent. We all need an outlet, and that's what this account is to me. I've even suggested he get a second, private account, which he has for some reason ignored. I'm upset that he has for some godforsaken reason refused to block me, insists on being open with our reddit accounts, but has twice now completely ghosted after making really alarming posts, knowing how his attempt scared me, and knowing that I've already lost someone I loved. Am I being dramatic? Selfish? Unfair? Or is this something that he's not taking seriously enough, and I am right to have a serious conversation with him?

26yo gay guy from central PA, partnered, professional, seeking a long-term friendship or platonic bromance. Into horror movies, gym, chilling, swimming, volleyball, food, tattoos. Prefer SFW but open to locker room talk—just don't be weird.
In the US and can hold a convo? Let's chat and maybe move to texting once comfortable.

26yo gay guy from central PA, partnered, professional, seeking a long-term friendship or platonic bromance. Into horror movies, gym, chilling, swimming, volleyball, food, tattoos. Prefer SFW but open to locker room talk—just don't be weird.
In the US and can hold a convo? Let's chat and maybe move to texting once comfortable.

26yo gay guy from central PA, partnered, professional, seeking a long-term friendship or platonic bromance. Into horror movies, gym, chilling, swimming, volleyball, food, tattoos. Prefer SFW but open to locker room talk—just don't be weird.
In the US and can hold a convo? Let's chat and maybe move to texting once comfortable.

26yo gay guy from central PA, partnered, professional, seeking a long-term friendship or platonic bromance. Into horror movies, gym, chilling, swimming, volleyball, food, tattoos. Prefer SFW but open to locker room talk—just don't be weird.
In the US and can hold a convo? Let's chat and maybe move to texting once comfortable.

26yo gay guy from central PA, partnered, professional, seeking a long-term friendship or platonic bromance. Into horror movies, gym, chilling, swimming, volleyball, food, tattoos. Prefer SFW but open to locker room talk—just don't be weird.
In the US and can hold a convo? Let's chat and maybe move to texting once comfortable.

I F28 met this guy M38 at a pool party. We had conversation about our tattoos or mostly his. Quite flirty or just like that with everyone, not sure. He was decently drunk when we met, but when he found out I was vegetarian, he insisted that he wanted to take me out for a dinner to this vegetarian restaurant as he barely meets any vegetarians in the country we are in (both expats). He said he lived 10 years in India (but later in our sober conversation I found out that he lived in an ashram in Brazil 🙄). Since I am a Hindu, there is definitely intrigue there. He asked for insta but since I don’t have insta, we exchanged numbers and didn’t interact much through the night. He seemed like a social butterfly, probably flirting along the way. Then he texted me a day later, and we did meet. It was nice. He did suggest that he wanted a long term partner, and that he would only consider a vegetarian. He asked me about my past relationships. The next day we went to a music event with one of his friends where he suggested that my texts are quite straight forward (🤷🏽‍♀️) and then he would like to be my friend and that we could build a friendship slowly slowly. This was probably a response to me suggesting that it takes me a long time to consider someone my genuine friend beyond casual / situational friends. I left the country for a bit after but we have been texting on and off since then. I am not sure if he is being nice / flirty or is he actually interested. He initiated conversation and asked me to take pictures of every part of my life back home and send them to him asked things about me, and says things like “get back here soon” and checks in on me after a few days with good morning beautiful. He has asked for a birthday gift (I left on his birthday) when I am back next week, and would like to meet me for another dinner. I sent him a lot of pictures (which I took specifically for him) and he said he will look at them and get back to me. This was 4-5 days ago, but no response since then. He did say he is traveling for work. I am just very confused if he is a h*e, wants to be friends, or interested in more? Also, he broke up with one of his ex because he wants to be with someone vegetarian. When he was drunk, he kept insisting that I must want to build a vegetarian family. 🤣 He also said once that all most of his friends are female. I am very confused because I feel like there is a lot of mixed signals. Or am I over reading into all of this?