Credit to u/SpacePaladin15 for the NOP Universe.
Hey, I hope everyone's doing well!
Today we return to the namesake of this fic, an actual lesson about animals. This one focuses on Koalas! One of Australia's most recognisable critters. I hope you enjoy.
It's hardly worth mentioning, seeing as I'm an infrequent poster at the best of times, but I'll not have another chapter out for a few weeks due to limited free time and devoting most of my writing time to an upcoming ficnapping. Be sure to look out for that!
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Memory transcription subject: Rysel, Venlil Environmental Researcher
Date [Standardised human time]: 8th September 2136
“Koalas!”
Bernard’s energised voice boomed through the air as the classroom's monitor flickered into life, images of this paws lecture topic popping up one after the other until the entire screen was filled with a collage of furry quadrupeds.
Squee! I’ll never get tired of this, it’s all so cool!
As usual the sight of something new stirred immediate discussion, hushed murmurs swelling into vibrant discourse in little more than a heartbeat. Most of the class swiftly huddled together into small herds to bounce ideas around while the rest opted to stick to the solace of their own thoughts as they took in the display.
I’d be quite happy in either situation, though seeing as Sandi had already sunk into deep concentration and Kailo had peeled off to talk with Ennerif and Solenk, it seemed the decision had been made for me on this occasion. Wasting no more time on idle inspection of the people around me, I focused my full attention forward, eager to form first impressions before the lesson began in earnest.
Now then, time to make some educated guesses. What traits does this animal have? I wonder if I’ll get any right this paw?
Professional assumptions went paw-in-paw with the lectures, examining and coming up with hypotheses about the specimens was only natural. Recently however, I’d started to make a little game of it to make things even more interesting than usual. A veritable bonfire of ideas had been set ablaze within me, fueled by my newfound knowledge of Earthen wildlife. Every flash and spark of the flame was a fresh theory I could try to apply to the lectures. It was an invigorating exercise that further stoked my unceasing wonderment.
So far I’d only done this once during the previous class and, to my disappointment, I’d not done too well.
I was right when I guessed that chickens were omnivores, but wrong in my assumption that they could fly. And that red thing on their head, the um… what was it called? The comb! Yes, the comb. I thought that was to attract mates, but it regulates body heat instead. It’s fascinating. Oh! Stars damn it I’m rambling!
I bapped my tail against my leg, the soft thud being just enough to snap me back from my runaway thoughts before I went completely wall-eyed. I was becoming more and more accustomed to getting lost in my own head while remaining conscious of the fact; it was happening so frequently now that it was pretty much impossible not to. Now I was able to pull myself back to the world around me without having to rely on someone else shaking me out of it. Most of the time anyway.
Sandi still keeps an eye on me, and Kailo even decided to help out once without being too snide about it. Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, Koalas.
Glancing at the furred animals, two things immediately stood out. Firstly, their eyes were in a more central position on their face. And second, all the images showed them being on or close to trees. There were other noteworthy observations of course, such as the Koala’s prominent nose and rounded features, but they fell to the wayside as I honed in on these points first.
Hmmm… ok. I already know to discount the idea that they’re predators just from eye position, so let’s get that thought out of here. Maybe omnivorous? Herbivore? Agh no, I can’t just guess that for the sake of guessing, that’s the same problem! Hrm, it’s tough making these assumptions now that everything I thought I knew has been turned on its head.
Nevermind, I’ll focus on the other thing. All the trees make me think they’re arboreal, that seems to be a reasonable assumption. I wonder what else they-
Clearing his throat, Bernard broke my concentration, his call for attention silencing the murmuring conversation and redirecting everyone's focus to the lecturer's podium.
His gaze panned across the room as he waited for everyone to settle, a beaming smile lighting up his face, “As ever I’m delighted to see you all get so into the subject matter from the get go. I’m looking forward to hearing what you were discussing should you wish to share. For now though, how about we get started, hm?”
A chorus of merry bleats rang out from across the audience, ears and tails flicking happily in agreement. Bernard's grin grew in tandem with the class's fervour, clasping his hands together enthusiastically as he launched into the lesson, “Excellent! Then let’s get started.”
The pictures on screen dissolved away until only one remained, enlarging to cover the entire monitor with the fluffy grey face of a Koala peacefully reclining in the crook of a tree.
“Ah, there we are,” Bernard’s baritone timbre drifted through the room as he looked up at the image, his own tone reflecting the relaxed attitude of the animal on screen, “He looks so comfortable doesn’t he? Perfectly at peace with the world, not too surprising considering they sleep almost 20 hours a day. A full paw!”
A wave of beeps and gasps rippled through the herd, punctuated by a single yawn-dressed comment from Rova, “A full paw? Hwuuu… jealous.”
Her drowsy remark elicited several whistling giggles from the herd, Bernard's own jovial chortle joining them as he turned to face her, “Late evening Rova?”
I twisted a little in my seat, panning an eye in Rova’s direction just in time to see her bleary eyes bulge open and her ears shoot up, now intensely aware of the fact she hadn’t been as quiet as she thought she had.
Sitting up abruptly, she hastily tapped down errant tufts of wool that’d flared in surprise as she composed herself, though her nervousness at becoming the centre of the class's attention was still plain for all to hear, “Uh- I um… achem, a little bit yes, um- …sorry. Lokki dragged me out to a movie viewing in the rec centre. It went on pretty late.”
A melodramatic bray from the other side of the room drew everyone's ears away from Rova to the now aghast Lokki, paw splayed across his chest in faux indignation, “Dragged you? Well excuse me for trying to broaden your horizons with human movies. That’ll be the list time I- …Ahaaaa…”
Lokki’s theatrics were cut short by a heavy yawn of his own, a swell of whistling laughter rolling through the herd as vibrant bloom lit up his snout, a sight that elicited a particularly amused bleat from Rova.
Turning away from the duo I looked back at Bernard, pleased to see that he was chuckling along with us. Behaviour like Lokki’s would never have been tolerated in my school and university days but, in stark contrast, Bernard revelled in it, the liveliness of his students fueling his own bombastic style of teaching. It was a pleasant change of pace having a teacher who let us all be ourselves in class; provided we weren’t too disruptive to the lesson plan.
Speaking of which.
His laughter still rumbling through the air, Bernard clapped his hands to pull everyone's focus back to him, “Ok, ok, let’s get back to it then shall we? Rova. Lokki. Hopefully the two of you can stay awake long enough until you can grab yourselves a coffee.”
As the class settled down and the last few giggling beeps petered out, Benard pointed a hand to the screen, “So, the Koala. Let’s start simple shall we? They are herbivorous marsupials native to the eastern and southern coasts of Australia. Easily recognised the world over, they are a well known and beloved symbol of their homeland, along with other animals such as the Kangaroo and the Emu. The former of which you might remember from one of our earlier lectures.”
Indeed I did remember, along with how angry Bernard had gotten after some speh-head had derided the Yotul after he explained how he held specific disdain for such attitudes.
Uuuggghh… I never want to see him angry again. So chilling.
I shook my ears in an effort to dismiss the unpleasant memory, panning my eyes back to the monitor to try and distract myself by inspecting the Koala’s physical appearance once more. Thankfully, by some Star's blessed intervention, Bernard had the exact same idea.
“Koala’s are rather squat in stature, ranging around sixty to eighty-five centimetres in length and weighing little more than fifteen to sixteen kilograms at their full size. As you can see, the fur of this fellow before you is a lovely silvery grey, but their fur can also sport a chocolaty brown hue as well. Arguably the most distinctive part of their appearance is their head, being rather large for their body size and having rounded ears, a large nose, and a pair of small eyes. These are often brown but variations do occur.”
It didn’t slip past my notice that Bernard didn’t bother to point out that the Koala’s eyes were forward facing. I didn’t think he’d simply forgotten, so perhaps he just felt it wasn’t necessary given that he’d already stated it was herbivorous. Either way, no one stuck up a paw or tail to question him.
“Now this will hardly be surprising considering how long they sleep, but Koala’s are largely sedentary and it’s rather easy to see why when you have a look into the contents of their diet.”
With the press of a button the Koala on screen was replaced by images of vibrant green vegetation. Soaring trees and flowering shrubbery weaved together across landscape framed pictures pulled admiring trills from the herd, the diversity of the plant life being shown standing as a reminder that it wasn’t only animal life that flourished on Earth.
After giving everyone the chance to take in the picturesque scenes, Bernard casually hammered that point home, “This is eucalyptus or, more accurately, a choice selection of more than 700 plants belonging to the eucalyptus genus, though the Koala itself favours 30 of them in particular.”
700!? Stars…
Realising that my ears had drooped in my momentary awe, I twisted them back to tune into the lesson, only for them to splay out in shock at the next words to come out of Bernard's mouth.
“The leaves of these plants are the primary food source of the Koala and there are a couple things worth mentioning when talking about these plants. For starters they do not have much nutritional or caloric value, leading to the Koala’s low-energy lifestyle. Additionally, they contain toxic compounds.”
A shiver instantly ran through the herd, ears flicking rapidly in confusion and alarm followed by a few quizzical whispers. It didn’t take long for someone to decide to give a proper voice to the murmuring.
“Excuse me Doctor. Did we hear that right? Their diet is made up of toxic flora?” Vlek’s grumbling incredulity cut through the herd's mutterings with ease. Until Kailo’s recent change of heart, the fifty something rotation old blonde Venlil had been a close second in terms of scepticism. Mercifully his rebuttals had always been relevant questions as opposed to ranting diatribes, so he at least remained on topic if nothing else.
Bernard nodded in confirmation, smiling back at Vlek while absentmindedly twirling the end of his moustache, “You heard me right, they do indeed consume plants that are toxic. Just not to them.”
Any worry or uncertainty still clinging to the herd was swept away by the provision of the glaringly obvious answer, leaving me chuckling inwardly at the oversight.
Ah of course! The plant might be poisonous but they’ll have evolved to deal with that. Stars… I’m so used to expecting the unexpected with Earth that I didn’t even consider the simplest solution.
“I see, thank you Doctor,” Vlek replied, a tinge of interest still audible in his tone, “I assume they’ve developed some adaptation to become immune to the harmful effects?”
The question immediately evoked a smirk from our teacher, but he hurriedly suppressed it while bobbing his head, “They have indeed. There are several factors that aid in their digestion of eucalyptus leaves without succumbing to the plant's baleful properties. The first is a part of the intestinal tract called the cecum. It contains a microbiome that allows the Koala to digest the eucalyptus. Coupled with this is an enzyme in the Koala’s liver that helps them break down the toxins. They are also capable of sniffing out the plants with the least amount of toxins, ensuring that they ingest as little as possible.”
Pausing for a breath Bernard looked back at the screen before turning to face us, another grin curling at the edges of his mouth as he continued with his explanation, “This is mostly for adult Koala’s, because while their young also possess these same adaptations, they don’t just go straight to munching through foliage right after being born. No, they need a little help making that jump and getting a stomach full of all that good gut bacteria. It’s nothing bad, but those of a sensitive stomach may wish to prepare themselves for this next part.”
Bernard’s assurances did little to assuage the concern that his warning had foisted upon us. Having been exposed to so much of the weirdness Earth had to offer everyone always ended up on edge whenever Bernard gave advice like this, even if he did say it in jest.
What strange nonsense thing do Koala pups do then? Judging by the way he’s acting it probably isn’t something as simple as drinking milk from the mother. Hmmm…
“So,” Bernard began, snapping us from our pensive stupor, “Young Koala’s, known as joeys, have a gestation period of thirty-five days on average, which is approximately forty-two paws. Once born they travel from the birth canal to a pouch in their mother so that they can continue to develop and grow. In the pouch the joey finds and latches onto one of two teats and these provide the newborn with a steady stream of nourishing milk. It spends the next six to seven months growing in the pouch, its eyes, ears, and fur all developing as time goes on.”
Okay, interesting. But this is exactly how I thought it’d go. What’s different?
The unexpected normalcy of the Koala’s birth and growth cycle had calmed everyone's nerves, only to be replaced with an air of suspicion as we waited with rapt attention for Bernard to drop the other claw and upend our expectations like he always did.
Not wanting to keep us in further suspense he forged ahead, the tempo of his voice picking up as the smile started to crease his face once more, “Now to make the switch from milk to eucalyptus, the mother also feeds the joey a substance called pap. It comes from the cecum I mentioned earlier, and contains all the gut bacteria required to help the young Koala in making the switch to eucalyptus.”
He stopped and looked around, searching us for a reaction to what I felt was a rather bland statement of fact. What was it he was saying without actually saying? Koala pups drink milk to mature and then include this pap substance so that they can start eating plants. I don’t see what-
The cecum is part of the intestine.
I blinked.
I blinked again, the intrusive interruption scouring my brain clean of any other thought bar the one it’d just implanted itself in the forefront of my mind.
Oh stars. They-
“They eat their own poop!?”
The shocked bleat shattered the peace of the room to reveal that most if not all of us had come to the same tail curling conclusion. As the hall filled with unrestrained vocalisations of disgust, an ‘Ugh’ over here and a ‘Blegh’ over there, Bernard’s own bellowing laughter joined the throng of voices.
“Ha! Everytime! Each and every time. Clearly it doesn’t matter if my students are Human or Venlil. Whenever someone learns about the Koala’s dietary development the reaction is the same!”
Pleased with himself beyond reason, Bernard chuckled away while the rest of us grappled with this ghastly reality. While there were plenty of animals that feasted on things that ranged from simply unappealing all the way to the stomach churningly grotesque, I’d never heard of an animal that actively consumed the excrement of its own species. Benefits aside, the prospect of having to do that to survive to adulthood sent a shiver of revulsion down my spine.
Ewww… Stars, I hope I forget this feeling by 2nd meal. They’re serving sturen and magamroot stew later. I was really looking forward to it.
With the herds mood beginning to temper Bernard tapped the podiums controls, removing the verdant collage of eucalyptus to display several similar yet distinct environments, still chortling merrily to himself in the process, “Ok then, with that little foray into their diet complete, why don’t we look at their habitat in more detail? As you might imagine given their diet and arboreal nature, Koala’s live in forested regions, and can be found in tropical and temperate zones. About a century ago they were classed as a vulnerable species, however efforts were made to turn this around and increase their numbers. Sadly the largest factor in their decline was human activity, as the fertile lands that gave rise to their bountiful forests were coveted farm land for our settlements.”
It was strange to hear Bernard so matter of factly admit to humanity's negative impacts on other species. He’d alluded to such things in the past but always with an air of caution, carefully pawing the line between honestly answering a question while not painting humanity as uncaring and destructive. AKA, the ‘predators’ we’d all initially expected them to be.
Perhaps his comfort in making such admissions was a reflection of the class's comfort with him, for no one so much as batted an ear. Even Kailo, who I would’ve expected to jump at the chance to use this as a prime example of predatory danger, only flicked an ear in stern yet silent concern.
A cough from Bernard drew my attention back, a new picture on screen that showed a forest from a bird's-eye view. Drawn across the image were around a dozen ringed areas, some bordering one another while others overlapped to some degree. It took me a moment, but I soon recognised that what I was looking at was a map, the rings representing what I assumed to be territories. And it didn’t take much effort to guess who each one belonged to.
“From habitats we move onto behaviours, so let’s start with territories. Koala’s are solitary animals. Yes, despite being herbivores. Considering they’re only awake for roughly four hours of the day I can hardly blame them. Lots to do and not a lot of time to do it. Jokes aside, once they mature they are quite independent, carving out a little slice of land for themselves, as displayed in this example, called a Home Range. That is not to say they go it alone and leave everything else behind however. Rather, as shown in the map behind me, they live in their own space while still being part of a larger social group.”
With another press of his pad the picture was updated to show one of two symbols in each segment, along with a key to the side of the map displayed in helpful Venlang. A quick glance told me that the symbols were representing whether the territory belonged to a male or female of the species.
“As you can see there is quite a bit of overlap between different Koala’s territories. It is in these areas that most of the socialising takes place between neighbours. The trees in these locations represent the few areas where intrusion across territories is acceptable for the sake of social interaction. Outside of that the Koala’s stick to their own territories for the most part, with the exceptions of Koala’s who are passing through, attempting to become part of the social group themselves, or dominant males who sometimes go off into another Koala’s range. But how do they know where one range begins and another range ends you might ask? Well, this brings us onto the next part of the lecture. How do Koala’s communicate?”
Wiping away the map from the monitor, Bernard loaded up a video of a Koala sitting in a tree and pressed play. Head held high, the Koala’s body shook as it belted out a reverberating call into the wilderness that could only be described as a garbled combination of a car engine failing to turn over mixed with the hiccups of someone with a particularly sore throat.
That’s how they sound? Oof that must be rough on the lungs.
I clearly wasn’t the only one to share such a thought, because I clocked Sandi tracing a paw along her neck as the noise went on, ears fluttering in discomfort at the noise.
Bernard himself cleared his own throat as the video came to an end, minimising it and replacing it with another image of a tree with a Koala rubbing up against the bark, “I think they’ve got me beat on who’s got the deeper voice!”
His joke garnered several amused beeps, a rare reaction that caused a beaming smile to shine across his face at lighting speed, “Oh you’re too kind. I’ll be here all week. Now where were we? Oh yes! Communication. As you’ve just heard, Koala’s are capable of loud low pitched bellows that can carry over vast distances. These express everything from ‘Hello I’m over here’ to ‘This is my turf, stay away’. Bellowing is more common in the males than the females, opting for shouting matches as opposed to outright fights when it comes to asserting dominance. Other vocal expressions include grunts, wails, and snarls if they’re acting particularly angsty. Mother and joey pairs also communicate through gentle clicking, squeaking, and murmuring sounds. And there’s one more thing worth mentioning. Something they have in common with Humans and Venlil when it comes to emoting.”
Really? They do something we do?
Curious, I pressed myself against the desk, straining as close as I could to once more scrutinise the Koala’s features. Not a lot stood out to me at first, the grey marsupial not sharing many similarities with a Venlil that I could identify.
Ok think. We show emotion with our ears, tails, and our wool on occasion. They don’t have tails so it’s obviously not that. Wool standing on end is more a reaction than a conscious expression. So it must be the ears then.
To my quiet satisfaction, my hunch was soon validated by Bernard, “As well as their vocalisations, Koala’s are very emotive through their facial features. Just like humans, they use their mouths and lips to show how they feel, but these tend more towards the aggressive side of the scale than what you might see on a human. Regarding yourselves however, Koala’s utilise their ears in tandem with their mouth movements when showing strong emotion.”
I was delighted to hear that my assumption was correct, a little happy flick twisting out through my tail and bapping against my chair with a muted thump against the plastic.
Hehe yes! Got one right!
“Now then, we are getting close to lunchtime so I’ll finish this segment off with something I think you’ll find particularly interesting. Diplomacy.”
Perplexed mutterings followed in the wake of the bizarre inclusion to the lecture, my own thoughts being dominated by bewilderment as I tried and failed to make sense of how the two could possibly be related.
Why would Koala’s, or any animal for that matter, be linked to diplomacy? Hmmm...
I could understand dispatching exterminators to deal with a predator issue as a show of goodwill, that at least includes animals, but Humans aren’t like that so I think I can safely scratch that off the list.
Maybe the humans who live in that region benefited from Koala’s in some way. Could they have gotten something from them? But what?
Hopefully not what the pups get from their mothers.
Agh no! Begone awful intrusive thoughts. Blegh! I don’t need that in my head.
As I wrestled with the short-lived revulsion inflicted upon me by my Star's damned subconscious, Bernard placed a new image on screen, one that was decidedly different from all that had preceded it.
On screen were more than a couple dozen pictures of humans. Some were pictured alone while others congregated in large groups while cameras surrounded them from all angles. Across all the images, I noted two common themes. First of all, a solid majority of the humans were wearing formal wear similar to what I’d seen worn by UN representatives on TV. If the gaggle of journalists in the background of the photos didn’t already confirm my suspicions, then it was this similarity which made me conclude they were all people of some importance. Likely politicians judging from context clues.
Secondly, each of the individuals was interacting with a Koala in some form. Some cradled one against their chests while others were feeding it eucalyptus leaves or pellets of some kind. One of the assumed politicians had become an impromptu bed for a snoozing bundle of fur, a gleeful smile spread across their face as they lovingly gazed down at the sleeping Koala in their lap.
As I continued to stare at the assorted photos something clicked into place, a sudden spark flickering into life. A burgeoning light of comprehension that flared and swelled with every wide-eyed breath I took. Some things still escaped me, things I hoped would soon be explained, but in staring at all of the humans happy smiling faces, I was struck with an instant of pure understanding.
If someone, say a Nevok for instance, offered to gift me a creature that was common to them but which might exotic and breathtaking to a Venlil, how could my feelings not be swayed? How could I walk away from that encounter and not have grown closer to them as a result?
“Koala diplomacy,” Bernard waved his hand up at the monitor, a slight reverence in his tone, “My favourite kind of soft power diplomacy. Where political leaders take photo ops with Koala’s and, on occasion, the Australian government loans Koala’s to other nations for a time to bolster positive relations. It certainly helps that Koala’s are a beloved animal worldwide, drawing large crowds and revenue for countries fortunate enough to host the adorable critters.”
The truly alien concept predictably sparked instant discussion in the herd, two polar opposite schools of thought swiftly cementing themselves as the most popular opinions. Simultaneously, I heard one voice trill excitedly while another scoffed at what they clearly saw as a ridiculous and offensive notion.
“Squee! That’d be so cool! I’d love to get the chance to see a Liri from Coila. Remember the Rainbow Boa? Think of that shimmering effect and colour but put it on a bird! Ah! I’ve only heard their song on video. It’d be a treat to hear it in person!”
Ooo! I’ve read about them! I’d love to get up close to one.
“Loaning. As if animals are property to be hoarded and traded? Pugh! Another predatory trait the humans don’t want to acknowledge for what it is.”
Ugh, typical. Jump right to the worst possible option.
However, despite my dismissal of their disparaging fumings, an uncomfortable thought pressed upon my mind. While it was plain to see how much humans cared for the Koala, it didn’t change the fact that humans did keep animals as property just as the scornful herd member had said.
This begged a rather important, disquieting question. Aside from keeping some animals as cattle, a stomach tightening minefield I had no desire to step a claw onto right now, how else did humans keep other creatures. And how did they treat them?
Before I was fully conscious of doing it my paw was in the air, the question primed on my tongue.
Noticing my elevated paw Bernard pointed at me, smiling warmly, “Yes Rysel? What’s on your mind?”
Sorry Bernard. I hope this one’s not too awkward for you to answer.
Flicking my ear in appreciation, and waiting for everyone to settle enough so that I could be heard, I voiced my concerns as neutrally as possible, “Thank you Doctor. I uh, just had a thought. We know that humans keep certain animals for… particular reasons, and we know why. From how you’ve spoken about Koala’s I think it's fair to say that the same cannot be said for them. However, this makes me wonder, what other reasons do humans have for keeping animals and how do you treat them?”
A flash of surprise blinked across Bernard's eyes but vanished so quickly that it felt like I’d imagined it. Had he not expected such a question? Maybe he was just shocked that it’d been me who’d ended up asking it?
Stars, am I so predictable that no one expects me to ask difficult questions?
Unfortunately, a quick glance at my deskmates seemed to prove that to be the case, as both Sandi and Kailo were looking at me with differing degrees of astonishment flapping in their ears.
Well speh.
“A very good point Rysel, certainly one that’s worth raising. Yet another example of you all anticipating what I have to say before I can bring it up myself.” Bernard tapped the podium, switching off the monitor before returning his focus to me, “We won’t be needing that. I’ve nothing prepared that I can show you and we’re heading to lunch in a few minutes anyway. Still, that’s plenty of time to give you a bit of an answer.”
A bit? What does he mean just a bit?
Made even more curious by Bernard's preempted admission that he wasn’t going to fully answer my query, I dialled both my ears on him, fixing him with an inquisitive stare as he started to explain with a tone that was noticeably more nonchalant than any of his previous explanations.
“So, animals in captivity for reasons other than what you already know. Honestly I would love to delve into other reasons regarding why we keep animals. However, I have a lesson plan in the works that I hope to share with you all in the not too distant future. Some of it touches upon this very topic and I’d quite like to bundle it all together. That said, I can tell you how animals in captivity are treated. In short, the answer is very well. There are a mountain of laws both on private and public interests that govern the standards and ethical treatment of animals, and breaches of these laws are quite severe even for relatively minor infractions.”
While I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed by the vague answer to what was really the bulk of my question, I was at least satisfied by Bernard’s assurances that animals in captivity, such as the Koala, were well looked after. Considering the barely subdued grumbling coming from some corners of the audience it was clear that several of the herd didn’t believe Bernard outright, but I trusted him to be honest. Additionally, the mention of an upcoming lecture focused on humans keeping animals caused quite the buzz.
I felt a mix of excitement and trepidation at exploring the topic further. He’d pretty much confirmed we wouldn’t be talking about cattle farms, for which I was relieved, but that still left a huge amount of uncertainty in what was to come.
Humans keeping animals as cattle was a forgone conclusion. As horrifying as that reality was, it was one I could understand from a detached and strictly clinical point of view. Being predators they ate meat and therefore they kept cattle. But the concept of keeping animals for any other reason baffled me.
What could be the purpose? The diplomacy thing makes sense now that I have context, but what other reasons could they have.
The class's discussions were interrupted by the recognisable ring of the break bell, the shift in attention eliciting a change in conversation from confused hypotheses to peppy conversation on how everyone was planning to spend their break and what they had in mind for 2nd meal.
“Well I can see everyone’s excited for lunch, and who am I to disappoint,” chuckling Bernard waved us all up from our seats, pocketing his pad from the podium and heading to open the classroom door for us, “Enjoy your break, get a good rest along with a hearty meal, and I’ll see you all back here at the usual time.”
As everyone else filed out I stayed behind, waving at Sandi and Kailo as they left, and pawing over to Bernard once he and I were the only ones left in the room.
Ears folded down and with an apologetic tinge in my voice I greeted him as I sidled up to him, “Hey Bernard, I uh… sorry if that last question was unexpected.”
Chortling in reply, Bernard waved a hand through the air in a sign I’d come to understand meant ‘not a problem’.
“No need to apologise Rysel. It was a good question and most certainly not a problem.”
Heh, called it.
I sighed, allowing tension I didn’t realise I’d been holding to relax itself from my shoulders, “Phew, that’s a relief. I’m glad. I’m curious to hear what this new lesson is you’ve got in store for us by the way.”
Bernard wagged a finger at me, throwing up his eyebrows in mock amazement, “Oh are you now? Well I’m afraid you’ll have to remain curious for the time being. It’s going to be quite the surprise if all goes to plan. But…”
He trailed off, glancing at me before looking to the door like he was making sure no one else was around.
Wait, is he going to tell me? Oh please yes let me know now!
Stopping myself from jumping on the spot in excited anticipation, and trying my damndest to stop my tail from wagging in equal measure, I stared up at Bernard as he stewed in his thoughts before turning back to face me.
“I can’t tell you the specifics, but I’m working with Alejandro and Tolim to get something together. A trip that’s not a trip as it were. And when it happens, I’m going to need a few of the more accepting members of the class to lend me a hand. I’m hoping you and a couple others will be able to help with that?”
A trip that’s not a trip? What does that mean? Agh who cares about that right now! Bernard’s relying on me to help out!
Still trying not to keep myself from bouncing around with pup like glee I swished my tail and nodded my head in joint agreement, happy to help with whatever Bernard had in store for us, “Of course! Anything you need I’ll be there to lend a paw. You can count on me!”
A broad warm smile lit up Bernard's face, a hand patting me on the shoulder in appreciation, “Thank you Rysel. I knew I could rely on you but it still warms my heart to hear it. And, as thanks for this and for the many times you’ve shown your support, the surprise includes a little something special I think you’d appreciate the most.”
If my earlier enthusiasm had been at a nine, then the implication of a supposed gift sent it rocketing all the way to a hundred in a heartbeat.
“Wait… WHAT!? What do you mean? What are you doing?”
As impossible as it seemed, Bernard's grin grew even wider as I almost lost myself in wool shaking exhilaration, “Call it my own form of Koala diplomacy. But I’m afraid that’s all I can say for now. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise even for you!”
“Oh you ass!” Whistling jovially I bapped my tail against Bernard’s leg in fake indignation, evoking a barking bellowing laugh from the man himself.
Still laughing, the two of us departed the class and made for the canteen, my rumbling stomach leading me on while my mind spun with fantastical thoughts as to what Bernard had prepared for us.
And what specifically he had in store for me.

My wife, Mia, and I were driving cross-country. It was our first attempt at the “Great American Roadtrip.”
Mia and I rented a small RV; more of a camper than a full blown RV. We packed up a couple suitcases with plenty of room for any souvenirs and we hit the dusty trail.
We started our journey on the “Mother Road”-- Route 66-- driving south from Chicago until we connected to i-70 and shot straight west through Missouri.
The goal was to see those parts of the country we had never seen before, stopping anywhere that seemed interesting. From the plains of Kansas up through the badlands of Wyoming and South Dakota.
In Missouri we saw the world’s largest cap gun. In Kansas we visited the Evel Knievel Museum and the World’s Largest Belt Buckle.
We love all those kitschy, tourist trap places.
Eventually, we made it to Colorado and after a few hours more of driving through amber waves of grain, we saw them... the Rocky Mountains.
We made an exit and headed north through the winding mountain highways.
The Rockies were gorgeous. Snow capped in the middle of summer, some of the peaks pierced through the white fluffy clouds.
We saw a sign that read “Traffic Tunnel - 3 Miles.”
A little further and sure enough, there it was, a large tunnel bored directly through the mountain in front of us.
A large sign read, “Pike Tunnel - Longest Traffic Tunnel in the Nation! - Please turn your headlights on now.”
“How long is it?” asked Mia.
“That’s what she said,” I quipped.
But she was right, there was no information beyond the detail that this was the longest tunnel in the nation.
“Can’t be more than a mile or two,” I said as I watched the little white car ahead of us slip into the darkness. A moment later we joined it.
The tunnel was lit by fluorescents that gave everything a greenish yellow tinge. On the left hand side was a raised walkway behind a railing for maintenance access.
Initially I was struck by the incredible amount of work that went into the construction of this man- made marvel.
“We’re under a million tons of rocky mountain right now,” I said.
“How many years before this caves in?” Mia responded.
I shot her a look--
“Let’s save the cave-in talk until we’re out on the other side.”
“I’m just saying, nature will take this back eventually,” she continued.
I scanned the empty road ahead of us.
“Where did the other car go?” I asked.
We were now alone in the tunnel, no cars ahead of us nor behind us.
“Huh... they must have sped off ahead. Maybe they’re scared of a cave-in?”
My Spotify playlist had stopped playing. Mia looked at the phone.
“No cell service.”
She turned on the radio and spun the dial only to find static.
“You’re not going to be able to pick up a station in here,” I said.
She turned the volume down.
“Just wanted to check... If only we had some CDs. This tunnel really keeps going.”
“I would have thought we’d be through it by now,” I replied.
I looked at the RV’s odometer, 45,600 miles. I picked up speed. I wanted to try and catch up to the little white car.
Up until this point, the tunnel was a straight shot, but now the tunnel started to curve to the right. It may have been my imagination but it also felt as though we were descending…
Mia felt it too and she started to get antsy.
“Where did that other car go? How long is this tunnel?”
There was an urgency in her voice.
I was getting nervous, claustrophobia was not usually a problem for me but when I looked down at the odometer and I saw that it had gone up by 3 miles, my mind began to wander to unsettling places.
We were descending in altitude. I could feel it. I could see a slope in the lights on the ceiling and the railing of the maintenance walkway. I could feel a pressure in my head, and I was getting cold.
“Could you grab me a coke from the back, Mia?”
I couldn’t have Mia getting anxious, that would only start a chain reaction and make me freak out which would then make her freak out.
She unbuckled and ducked into the back of the RV to where we had a cooler stocked with drinks and food.
Just as she stepped into the back, I saw something.
There standing on the side of the road was a MAN wearing a reflective safety vest and a hard hat. He was WAVING to me as I passed him by.
Something about him looked... strange…
I watched him in the side-view mirror as we passed and he was still watching the RV, still waving at the back of our vehicle as he faded into the distance.
Mia reappeared from the back of the RV, Coke in hand. She popped it and handed it to me.
“You look worried.”
“I’m fine,” I smiled and took a sip of the Coke.
“Eric, slow down!”
I slammed on the breaks as I saw what made Mia scream. In the road in front of us was a roadblock.
Two reflective traffic sawhorses blocked both lanes of the tunnel. Beyond the roadblock, the lights of the tunnel were dark. There was nothing but a void of blackness.
Standing in front of the roadblock was another man wearing a reflective vest and a hard hat, only this time his hard hat had a light on top which obscured his face.
We came to a jolting stop.
I turned to Mia
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I’m fine,” she replied. “It’s a cave-in isn’t it?”
“God, I hope not.”
I rolled down the window, leaned out and yelled to the man in the hard hat.
“Hey! What’s going on?!”
The man was about 5 yards away. He took two steps towards us and then raised a hand to his mouth and yelled.
“Just doing some maintenance!”
“How long is it going to take?!” I yelled back.
The man made a hand gesture as if he didn’t hear me.
“How long is it going to take?!” I called again.
He made the same gesture. I unbuckled my seat belt and grabbed the door release.
“What are you doing?” Mia asked.
“I gotta know what’s going on.”
“Eric, just stay here, it might not be safe.”
“I’ll be just a second,” I said.
I pushed the door open and stepped down from the RV.
“Stay in your vehicle!” the man yelled.
He took a couple steps towards me with his hand out telling me to stop.
“What’s the hold up?!” I shouted.
The man was a bit closer now but I still couldn’t see his face through the shining light on his helmet.
“Please stay in your vehicle!” he shouted.
There was something off about him.
Then I heard it–
“EEEAAAUUUUUUGHHHHHHHH!!!”
A scream, or something, rolled from deep in the tunnel. The worker turned and looked into the darkness. Then he ran past the barricades and soon all we could see of him was the light on his helmet.
The light disappeared a moment later.
“What the hell was that?! Is someone hurt?” Mia asked.
“I have no idea,” I said.
“Should we do something?” Mia asked.
I just sat there and watched the pitch black tunnel in front of me. I had no idea what to tell her. I checked the sideview mirrors. There was still nobody behind us.
“Where are the other cars?” I asked.
“They must have gotten through before the roadblock... Or maybe they caused the roadblock?” Mia replied.
“I saw another worker a little ways back. We could try to go back and talk to him.”
“We’d be going straight into any oncoming cars.”
“There’s a maintenance walkway. We didn’t pass him that long ago. We can probably catch him on foot.”
“Maybe we should just wait for the guy to come back.”
She reached over and grabbed my arm. I squeezed her hand.
She was right.
I looked out at the tunnel ahead of us. I turned on the RV’s high beams but all I could see beyond the roadblock was more tunnel and more road.
I checked my phone. Unsurprisingly, there was no service still.
We waited, but the man never came back.
“It’s been twenty minutes,” Mia said, “How come there hasn’t been another car behind us?
I was having the same thought. I rolled down my window and stuck my head out. I looked back at the road behind us. It went back about 200 yards before curving out of sight.
There was no sign of that first worker I saw on the maintenance walk way. I looked at the roadblock ahead of us and clicked on the RV’s high beams. There was nothing beyond the roadblock but more tunnel. It didn’t look like it was under construction, just very dark.
“I think we should keep going,” I said.
“What about the roadblock?”
“We’ll move those sawhorses out of the way and just drive past,” I said as I opened my door.
Mia looked at me, then she cast her eyes to the dark tunnel ahead of us. I knew she was processing the same limited options that I was.
Driving backwards would be a huge risk in the instance of another car finally coming along.
Getting out and walking would take God knows how long, we could have driven 10 miles at this point.
Forward was our best option.
“Let’s do it,” Mia said.
We jumped out and quickly pulled the two sawhorses out of the right lane. I pulled the RV up past the barriers, then we jumped out again and put the sawhorses back where they were. We didn't need another car to come barreling through.
We were finally moving again, slowly. It was pitch black save for the high beams of the RV.
We crept forward at around 15 miles per hour. As the tunnel turned and twisted, my eyes started to play tricks on me. I kept seeing shapes at the furthest point of the tunnel.
I kept seeing something standing just at the end of the next bend but as we roll forward, there was nothing there.
“Where are the workers?” Mia asked.
“I don’t know.”
I was done rationalizing. This was all wrong. Traffic tunnels are never this long.
My mind started to wander to all the road trip urban legends I’d read about; The Killer in the Backseat, The Disappearing Gas Station, The Pale Man In The Corn Field.
Did we stumble into some strange outlier location? An in-between point on the endless roads that cross this country?
Then I saw it–
“Look! A person! Thank god!” Mia shouted.
As we rounded a curve in the tunnel, a group of maintenance workers entered our view.
The three of them stood on the left side of the road behind two more sawhorses topped with flashing lights.
Two of them faced towards us, the third was facing the other two.
The one with his back to us wore a light on his hard hat. Was this the same guy we saw earlier? How did he get this far away?
I approached slowly and rolled down the window.
“Hey! You left us waiting back there!” I yelled.
There was no response.
In fact, all three men were completely silent, and it was hard to tell in the flashing light of the sawhorses, but they looked to be standing COMPLETELY STILL.
“Hello?!” I yelled again.
I pushed open my door and stepped out onto the pavement.
“Eric wait--”
I held up a finger to Mia.
“Just a second.”
I slowly stepped towards the 3 men.
“Hello?”
No response… What the fuck?
The bright lights of the sawhorses obscured their faces.
I kept moving closer.
“Hey, what’s going on--”
Then I saw it.
Their faces... They were plastic.
In front of me stood three mannequins.
I backed away toward the RV, then I turned and walked hurriedly to the vehicle.
I was seriously freaked out but I didn’t want to alarm Mia. I climbed into the driver’s seat and slammed the door shut.
“They’re mannequins.” I said.
“What?”
“They’re mannequins.”
”Why?... What?...”
“I don’t know…”
I looked back over at the three figures and my blood ran cold…
The Hard Hat Mannequin had somehow TURNED AROUND to face us. All three figures appeared to be watching us now.
Then we heard it--
A loud resonant banging on the side, and then the roof of the RV.
“What the hell was that?” Mia whispered.
We listened, holding our breath. Then--
A shuffling sound--
Something was moving ON or IN the RV.
“Stay here.” I said.
I got up.
“Eric, wait!”
I moved to the back of the RV.
It was dark. I went for a drawer in the kitchenette space and pulled out a flashlight.
I moved to the rear of the RV, the bedroom. My flashlight illuminated an empty room.
“Whoever is back here, I have a gun…”
A shitty bluff. But I didn’t see anything.
I shone the light out of the windows of each side of the RV. Nothing.
Then I heard it–
A shuffling sound, from right above me.
I looked up and screamed–
“Fuck!”
On the roof of the RV, staring through the skylight was a woman with vacuous black eyes and a dead smile.
Her stringy black hair dangled down towards me casting thing black shadows across her horrible pale face.
“Mia, drive! Fast!” I screamed.
Mia JUMPED over to the driver’s seat, shifted into gear and STOMPED on the gas. The RV was clunky but it could move when it needed to.
We lurched forward and I fell back.
I trained my flashlight up onto the skylight again and the woman was gone.
I scrambled to my feet and looked out of the side windows.
Did Mia shake her off? There was no sign of the woman. I moved to the passenger seat, breathing heavily and sweating.
“What happened?” She asked, keeping the RV at a steady 50 mph.
“There was a woman on the roof,” I said flatly.
I realize now that I was in a kind of shock.
“A woman?”
“Her eyes were black.”
Mia just looked at me, then back at the tunnel ahead of us.
“There’s something wrong with this tunnel.” I whispered.
Mia pointed at the road ahead, “Look.”
I looked out at the tunnel. There were more mannequins. A LOT more mannequins. They were positioned on both sides of the road.
They were all facing us and even though I never saw them move, when I looked in the side-view mirror, they were somehow STILL facing us, turning to watch us as we drove past. Watching without eyes.
“Just keep driving.” I said.
As we drove on, the mannequins crowded the sides of the road more and more. There were thousands of them. Eventually they were so close that some of their outstretched arms hit the side of the RV.
They were closing in on us. Squeezing our path forward. One stood in the middle of the road.
“I don’t think i can get around it.”
“Run it over. Don’t stop.”
The RV smashed into the mannequin. Its head shot forward and bounced against the windshield and the vehicle shuddered as it rolled over the body.
Soon there were two in the road. Then three.
I could see where this was going. Pretty soon there would be too many for the RV to ram through, but goddammit we were going to get through as many as we could.
“Speed up, Mia.”
CRASH!
The sound was surreal, smashing into mannequin after mannequin at nearly 60 miles per hour.
Hands, legs, heads and torsos flew.
The windshield cracked, the RV shuddered and screamed and eventually slowed down, despite the screaming engine.
I’m certain the axle was jammed up with lifeless, plastic body parts. Eventually we came to a stop.
“She won’t move,” Mia said.
She pressed on the gas but it was no use, the RV just rocked a little bit.
“Try reverse.”
She shifted and pressed on the gas, we got some decent movement before running into another jam.
“Fuck.”
“Should we get out and look?” Mia asked.
“I’ll go,” I said as I grabbed the flashlight and popped the passenger door. Mia unbuckled her seatbelt.
“We’ll go together.”
We stumbled out of the RV on the passenger side. It was like stepping into Hell.
Countless, lifeless faces stared out at us from the darkness. The only light came from the headlights of the RV and my flashlight.
We clumsily made our way along the side of the RV. The ground was littered with mannequin pieces.
I thought to myself, if we could get a couple yards cleared out behind the rear tires, we might be able to back out and get enough momentum to reverse all the way back out of here.
Instead, when we got to the back of the RV, my stomach flipped and my heart sank.
I was expecting to see a trail of flattened mannequins, instead the RV was now surrounded by thousands of perfectly intact mannequins standing at attention. As if their ranks had some how been replenished after our vehicular assault.
“This is impossible.”
She started to cry. I held her close.
“We’ll keep moving.” I said.
“It will never end. The tunnel makes no sense. It only curves one direction.”
I looked at her.
“What do you mean?”
“This whole time the tunnel has only been curving to the right. it would sometimes straighten out or go left for a few yards but before too long we were curving to the right again. We’ve either been driving in circles or spiraling downwards.”
“So we’ll go back the way we came and hope we’re not going in circles.” I said.
We had been driving for hours at this point. Walking back out the way we came would take days. But now that I thought about it, Mia was right, we’d only been curving to the right.
This tunnel seemed to be very gradually taking us downwards into the earth.
Going forward would not get us any closer to escape.
“We’ll need food from the RV,” Mia said.
I nodded and we stumbled our way back to the front of the RV, the mannequins’ lifeless faces watching us the whole time.
I stepped up to the passenger door and nearly fell back when I looked through the window.
“What the fuck?” I breathed.
What I saw were two mannequins sitting in the driver’s and passenger’s seat.
How they got in there? I have no idea, but what really made my blood run cold was that they were dressed EXACTLY like MIA and I.
They wore identical sets of clothes. The one in the passenger seat had my same New Order T-shirt and black jeans. The one in the driver’s seat had Mia’s green striped sweater and denim shorts.
Their plastic faces stared out through the shattered windshield at the endless crowd of mannequins staring back at them.
Mia stepped up and saw the uncanny display.
“What the fuck?” Mia echoed.
I pulled myself up into the RV and slowly stepped around my mannequin doppelgänger. I avoided looking into its face but I swear i could feel it watching me as I stumbled around it.
Mia followed and we made our way into the back of our dark RV. Luckily we had just stocked our cooler full of deli meat and water not long after crossing the Colorado state line.
I handed Mia the flashlight and pulled open the cooler. I filled a backpack full of food and water.
I turned and saw them–
My mannequin double had somehow moved. It was standing in the aisle watching us.
Mia’s doppelgänger was still seated in the driver’s seat but had turned to peer back at us with its eyeless gaze.
Mia saw the look in my eyes and turned. She screamed when she saw them and backed into me. I put my arm around her and we stood there a moment, letting our skyrocketing heart rates return to Earth.
“Let’s get out of here,” I said.
I slid the backpack onto my shoulders.
Mia joined me at the door. I looked into her eyes. “Are you ready?” She nodded. I kissed her.
“I love you,” I said.
“I love you,” she said.
The look on her face killed me. She was terrified. I’m sure the look on my face was similar.
I opened the door and we stepped out…
We again stumbled to the back of the RV. Once we were clear of the RV and all the crushed mannequin body parts, it became easier to find footing, though weaving through an endless crowd of lifeless people was a slow process.
It was pitch black. Without the flashlight we wouldn’t be able to see a foot in front of us.
As I walked, the beam of light created the illusion of movement in the crowd. At least I hoped it was an illusion.
The limbs of the mannequins seemed to stretch and turn, but the only sound was that of Mia and I shuffling our way through the crowded tunnel.
Things went on like this for what felt like hours. Mia and I were sweating and aching. I was about to suggest we stop and rest, but then I saw it and I froze…
Out in the crowd, beyond rows of blank faces I saw a pale face, black hair and a dead smile.
I saw two vacuous eyes staring right at me.
“Mia, do you see her?” I whispered.
“See who?”
I slowly raised my arm and pointed.
It was the woman, or whatever it was, that stared back at me through the skylight on the roof of the RV.
“Oh my god!” Mia squeaked.
I could see now that the Pale Faced Woman was tall. A few inches taller than the mannequins.
As I pointed, she stared back at me with that terrible grin.
“What do we do?” Mia whispered.
I raised the flashlight and pointed it right at the Pale Faced Woman. I thought maybe this would scare her off.
I was wrong.
The light only made her appear more unsettling as she stared back, unflinchingly.
“What do you want?!” I yelled.
She only stared back at me. She was as still as the mannequins.
“We have to keep going.” I whispered.
Mia didn’t respond. Her body was tense as she held onto me.
“We’ve come this far, we can’t turn back again,” I continued.
I pulled Mia’s hand and we continued on our way through the mannequins, keeping the distance between us and her as wide as possible.
As we moved past, she kept watching us. Though her movements were imperceptible to us, her eyes never left us. Like one of those portraits whose eyes appear to watch you no matter where you stand.
Finally, we got far enough that she was out of sight. But the thought of her being somewhere behind us only unsettled me further and I quickened our pace.
As the hours wore on, there was no sign of the Pale Faced Woman and the crowd of mannequins began to thin out. They still populated the tunnel from one end to the other, but there was more space between them, allowing Mia and I to walk more freely.
The mannequins on the maintenance walkway on the side of the tunnel seemed to thin out as well and I decided it would give us a better vantage if we were walking up there.
I helped Mia climb up the railing that bordered the walkway, then I climbed up behind her. The walkway was elevated 3 or 4 feet above the roadway. We could easily see over the heads of the mannequins in both directions.
There was, of course, no end to the tunnel in sight.
We kept walking.
The mannequins continued to thin out, but they were different now.
There were mannequins dressed as maintenance workers again, but also mannequins dressed as families and businessmen. There was even a group of mannequin nuns standing in a single file line, heads bowed in prayer.
Needless to say, we passed none of this on the way in to the tunnel. I was feeling very hopeless that we were going to be able to find our way out.
I was far beyond speculating how this was at all possible. It’s NOT possible. And even if it were, there is no good reason for someone to do this to us.
The only explanation was the supernatural. Then I saw Her. Rather, I saw THEM.
Arranged in the middle of the tunnel was a circle of mannequins with long black hair and tattered cloth.
They looked exactly like the Pale Faced Woman, minus any facial features. I kept a close watch on them as we passed to make sure they didn’t start following us.
“A door!” Mia shouted.
Mia pointed a few paces ahead of her. There was a door leading into the wall of the tunnel.
We ran towards it. Mia grabbed the handle, turned it and pulled. It was heavy and Mia had to brace her foot on the wall to get it moving.
The metal door groaned as if it hadn’t been opened in years.
Finally, it was open enough to see past.
It was a hallway. It went out about 5 yards then turned right at a 90 degree angle.
The strangest part was the design of the hallway.
It wasn’t cement or pavement like the tunnel.
The walls were wood paneled and the floor was covered in a thick carpet, like a house from the 1970s.
“I say we see where this takes us.” Mia said.
There was no reason to disagree, but I wasn’t going to get us trapped in there.
I opened up my backpack and took out a water bottle. I opened it and handed it to Mia. She drank half, then I drank the other half.
I slowly closed the door, shoving the empty water bottle in the crack to keep it from closing all the way.
I turned to Mia-- “Okay, let’s go.”
We slowly made our way down the quiet hallway. We got down to where the hallway cornered to the right and that’s when we heard it–
KA-CHUNK!!!--
I whipped around. The door had closed behind us. I ran back to it and tried to push it open, but it was no use. There was no way it closed on its own.
Someone had to have removed the water bottle. Our path had been chosen for us.
There was no turning back.
We continued down the hallway. We turned right. The hallway continued, then turned right again. That should have led us right back to the tunnel. But it didn’t. This part of the hallway went on far longer than was possible without running into the tunnel. Then it turned right again.
It went on like this. Sometimes a section of the hallway was 20 feet long, sometimes it was 20 yards long, sometimes it was 3 feet long. But it always turned to the right.
At first it was a relief to be somewhere other than the cold, dark tunnel. But the hallway very quickly became claustrophobic and before too long, I heard someone walking behind us.
We had stopped to take a break and I heard a third pair of footsteps on the carpet coming from behind us. I backtracked to the last corner.
I was terrified as I slowly peeked around the corner, tense and waiting to see the vacuous eyes and inky black hair of the Pale Faced Woman... but there was nothing there. I wasn’t about to backtrack any further.
“There was no one there.” I whispered.
Mia slumped against the wall and slid down to the carpet.
“I think I need to rest.” She said.
I put my backpack down on the ground for Mia to use as a pillow. She laid her head down and was passed out in seconds.
I had no idea how long we had been walking at this point. I stood leaning against the wall. My body was telling me to rest but I couldn’t risk falling asleep. I had to keep watch. I knew SHE was following us.
I took in the details of the hallway for the first time. The carpet was a dull brown and the walls a cheap wood paneling. The hanging lighting fixtures were shaded by stained glass, something you might see in an old diner.
Who built this place? Did someone pick out the carpet and the lighting fixtures? Did a team of workers blast these tunnels into the Earth? Or has this place always existed? Was this Purgatory?
I began to feel dizzy. I was panicking. My heart felt like it was trying to escape my chest. I slumped to the floor and tried to slow my breathing.
I closed my eyes... –
I SHOT up in a panic. I had fallen asleep while I was meant to be keeping watch.
I snapped to my feet and looked around.
Mia was still asleep on my backpack.
Then I noticed that the hallway had changed. A few paces away there was now a plain wooden door in the wall.
I slowly approached it. I put my ear to the door and I could hear what sounded like TV static and the low murmur of voices.
I discreetly grabbed the door handle and turned it slowly. I felt the latch bolt clear and I carefully cracked the door just enough to peek inside.
It was dark, so it took a second for me to register what I was seeing. I saw a small board room. A long table in the center was surrounded by seated men in suits.
At the end of the table stood another man next to an old CRT TV that was playing static. This was the only source of light in the room and all the men around the table were turned towards the tv.
Suddenly the screen flickered from static to a solid dark background. And some warped new age style muzak began playing.
Then the words appeared on the screen that terrified me like nothing else before. In plain text the words read–
“YOU WILL LOSE HER.”
I froze as I knew these words were meant for me I watched with terror as the men seated around the table slowly turned toward me in unison.
They were mannequins.
The TV screen then clicked off and they continued staring at me as I could barely make out their forms through the near pitch darkness.
I quickly pulled the door shut. And whipped around to look at Mia, I had a horrible feeling of dread that when I turned around she would be gone, like the message on the TV promised–
“Eric? What are you doing?” Mia was leaning up and staring at me.
Thank God. There was Mia, right where I left her.
I pointed at the door and said, “This door appeared and I--”
“What door?” she interrupted.
I turned and sure enough, the door was now gone.
I explained what happened to her, but I left out the message that appeared on the screen.
-- YOU WILL LOSE HER –
Those words still burned in my brain. I tried to force them out.
We drank water, ate granola and then got moving again.
Hallways. Endless hallways.
After a couple hours of walking we started to hear music. There were small speakers in the corners of the ceiling.
I recognized it as the same new-age muzak that played on the TV in the board room. The melody drilled into our minds. Combined with the dull aesthetics of the quiet hallways and the endless right turns, the music had a hypnotizing effect.
The lengths of the halls became more uniform. That is to say, the straight section of hallway was about 7 paces, then a right turn, then 7 paces and a right turn.
“I think we’re walking in circles... or a square,” Mia said.
I looked at her and took out a bottle of water. I peeled off the plastic label and dropped it on the floor.
Then we kept walking.
7 paces, right turn. 7 paces, right turn. 7 paces, right turn. And there it was... Mia was right.
The label from my water bottle lay in the middle of the hallway. Somehow we had been led into a loop. I lost it.
“FUUUCK!”
I kicked the wall repeatedly and screamed. Mia just leaned her back against the wall.
This was our dynamic. If one of us lost it, the other became zen and thought of a solution. More often than not, I was the one to lose it.
I finally stopped freaking out
“There has to be a way out. A door,” Mia said.
“We would have seen it,” I replied.
“A hidden door,” she said.
She turned around and ran her hands along the cracks of the wood paneling.
“Most likely on the outer wall,” she said.
She beat her fist on the wall, listening for a change in the sound. I exhaled heavily, sweating and tired, and I started searching the wall as well.
We checked the whole first wall, nothing. We checked the second wall, nothing. The third, nothing.
The final wall... Nothing. I gave up and slumped on the floor. Mia immediately went over to the other side of the hall and started checking the inner wall.
“What are you doing? I thought you said it would be on the outer wall?” I asked.
Then we heard it.
Mia beat the wall and instead of the dead thud, we heard a resonate BOOM –
A door…
I shot up and started tapping the wall with Mia until we found where the door ended. It was the width of about 4 wooden panels. I lined myself up in the center, lowered my shoulder and pushed–
IT MOVED! It barely moved but it was enough to confirm this actually was a door! I re-centered and tried again, lowering my center of gravity, I pushed as hard as I could. The door pushed inward about 3 inches, then Mia joined in. We slowly moved the door, 5 inches, then 10, then 15, then 20.
Then Mia slipped inside.
I had a moment of panic as she disappeared into the darkness and those haunting words came back into my mind, “YOU WILL LOSE HER.”
I darted past the doorway, falling through the threshold and hitting the concrete floor.
I looked up and there was Mia, thank God. I promised myself I’d never let her out of my sight again.
“The exit...” Mia said.
She looked and sounded as if she were a thousand miles away. I got to my feet and followed her gaze. What I saw nearly brought me to tears.
We were back in the tunnel, but there was light. About a mile down was the mouth of the tunnel, and daylight pouring in. Beautiful daylight. I grabbed Mia tight and kissed her.
“Thank God...” she cried.
We started moving. Nothing was going to slow us down this time. We sped up into a RUN down the maintenance walkway towards that beautiful sunlight.
As we approached, something else came into view. Parked in the middle of the roadway was a large vehicle…
It couldn’t be…
It was!
Our RV sat in the road waiting for us. We ran all the way to it, pulled open the passenger side door and climbed in. There were no mannequins to be seen.
I fell into the driver’s seat and Mia handed me the keys. I turned over the engine, the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard. I shifted into gear and floored it towards the sunlight.
As we got closer, I could see the green of trees and the blue of the sky. We were maybe one hundred yards away.
I turned to Mia, tears in my eyes…
And what I saw turned my blood to ice.
Just beyond Mia’s window, that horrifying pale face grinned at me.
The Pale Faced Woman was somehow floating outside of the RV.
Before I could say anything, her hand smashed through the window and gripped Mia by the throat, then in one horrible motion the thing PULLED MIA SCREAMING THROUGH THE WINDOW AND…
Disappeared…
I SLAMMED on the breaks just as the RV passed through the exit of the tunnel and sunlight flooded the cab of the RV. I threw it in park and shot out of the door screaming.
“Mia!? Mia??!!”
I screamed over and over. I rounded the front of the RV and looked back at the tunnel –
-- and what I saw shattered my mind…
The tunnel was gone.
There was only open road.
I had lost her.

Hi everyone, I recently tested positive for Covid about two weeks ago. I had the normal symptoms of a fever, fatigue, bodyaches etc. however I just tested negative and have these new feelings that I’ve never had before(before and during covid). My appetite is completely gone and it always feels like I have this heaviness feeling in my stomach so I can’t even look at food and I also have diarrhea problems as well. I will sometimes go to the bathroom 3-4 times a day and everything I eat feels like it goes straight through me. I was wondering if anyone else has felt like this, I made a doctors appointment for this week to check everything out because it is a bit concerning to have nausea and diarrhea problems at the same time. Appreciate everyone who responds

You notice a slight headache throughout the weeks of your stay in Kenya, you visited Kitum Cave Wednesday last week and ever since then you've been feeling.. off..
you go to a clinic Tuesday this week to see what is wrong, they say you have a raised temperature and a slight headache, might be a cold going around, they recommend headache relief and good rest,
the problem is.. you cant sleep, your mind is racing all the while it feels like its about to explode, suddenly its 7:00 AM. time to get up. you have a sharp pain in your chest and your muscles ache.
you look in the mirror.. your face.. its almost as if you are wearing a mask of skin with two beady beet-red eyes.
your stomach twists and turns in the most agonizing way, you turn to look at your watch, something isn't right, you have little bright red specks dotting from your arm to your wrist that itch and burn.
your frightened by this, and you know deep down this isn't the worst its going to get.
right now a strange organism is turning your internal organs into its own mushy playground, filling your cells with itself until the cells explode like an egg sac filled with spiders, the newly formed viruses burrow their way into more of your blood cells.
you call a doctor and schedule an emergency appointment to get you checked, your driving to the clinic twisting around a mountain.
you hear a strange sound in your gut as your insides drip out of your intestines in what feels like liquid fire.
your hit like a bullet with sudden nausea, you gag and retch trying not to vomit.. futile... black gunk pours out of your mouth like a high pressure tap.
your mind races to the point of extreme confusion.. you. cannot. breath... suddenly you go unconscious driving down from a mountain-top, your tires screech out of control, down you go.. its over for you...

I have a Gastro and new Rheumatologist appointment tomorrow but I'm so frustrated. I have a lot of Auto Immune signs or symptoms. I have a Rheumatologist who has little to no support to give. She just tries to prescribes more gabapentin. It seems like answering any questions I have is a huge pain. I have a fibromyalgia diagnosis. I will skim over symptoms, aura migraine, peripheral neuropathy, chronic pain everywhere, weird rashes like bug bites to scary patches to blisters in my nose. Lots of fatigue. Joint pain. Ect. About 14 days ago I got real tired. I mean way worse than normal. My right side started to hurt. At first I though it was because I'm trying to change my posture. Then it got worse I thought it was because I worked my abs out to hard. Then last Thursday I got tired again. The pain increased. By Sunday of this week I was ready to go to urgent care. My left leg was swollen and I devolved a rash. Near the pain by my liver. By Monday I was ready to go to the ER. My liver and Kidney blood work and the routine stuff was normal. My cat scan showed inflammation of the small intestine. I have burping nausea and extreme pain near my liver.and a rash that blistered and started to heal. The pain is still severe if I don't take my pain meds. I wonder if it's celiacs. Because I increased the amount of gluten I eat. A few weeks ago going from vegatarian to vegan. My mom, sister and brother all ha ve weird food and stomach, neurological stuff too. So I'm just desperate for anwsers.

Im 8dpo (31F lap turned abdominal. Kept ovaries and cervix) and i think im past the worst of it. While im still pretty much couch ridden, I figured I would put this out there to maybe help someone else preparing for their surgery! Obviously we all know these experiences are highly personal and will not be exactly like anyone elses experience, but I personally found it helpful gathering peoples experiences and reflecting based on what I know about myself so I thought id write the kind of post Id want to read! I tried to make easy to skim but also included plenty of details!
Heres some things Im glad I did beforehand

• washed and changed my bed sheets -cleaned my bathroom well
• moved things i knew i would need to a hight where I don’t have to bend down to get them. I moved my toilet paper to easy accessible places, my pj shirts and underwear on top of my dresser. Set up a bed stand for water and meds. Also moved my fridge around.
• as for buying stuff, i mostly had everything i needed but was glad to have comfy sweat pants, backless slippers and highwasted underwear. Also those rechargeable battery bricks were handy for charging my phone in the hospital or sitting somewhere not near an outlet. -exercised. Dont stress about this one, i know chronic pain is often the reason for this surgery. I had to stop my routine months before surgery for this reason. But I was glad to be familiar with proper squat form and have strong arms and legs to help get myself up and down without using my core. I also did yoga therapy that helped me understand how to transfer my weight to different parts of my body which helped too!

Heres some things i was extremely stressed about but ended up not being a problem
-Food. My mom came and cooked me some large portion of meals. I ended up throwing most of it away. The idea was to freeze some of it but it was too much of a hassle. I didn’t have much of an appetite and definitely gravitated towards things in the BRAT diet especially bread. I spent the first few days eating like i had the flu and was really sensitive to grease. My mom made wedding soup and it was too greasy. I think i could have survived this week just on a package of bagels and different spreads.
-cleaning and chores. Im pretty sure I have OCD.. this experience has confirmed it. I looked out at my thriving garden yesterday and said to my partner absent mindedly “wow. Things really thrive when im not out there being over involved “ and like wow that is a lesson i did not expect to learn. My partner has been clearing the dishes each day and did some more involved chores once this week. So if you live alone I would advise paper plates and maybe some to help ya once a week for the first week at least.
-in terms of my surgery i was really scared of having a catheter which i did end up needing to have for a day. It was weird but not at all painful. Honestly it was kind of the worst part of my recovery so far just because i felt i had to pee so bad while it was in. Idk if thats typical. Taking it out was not at all painful but also weird. They used the catheter to put sterile water back in my bladder. As soon as i felt a twinge of uncomfortable full feeling i told my nurse. She removed the catheter and i peed it back out no problem.
-being bored. This week has felt like one day. Since it takes me 10x as long to do anything, the days are flying by. I got myself plenty of low key things to do (crafts, activity books, ect) and haven’t even had time to do any of them yet! I still have a feeling this will change in the coming weeks though..
-having enough help. I secretly wished one of my friends or family members would stay with me for a while just so I could be the solo focus of their attention. I live with my partner and two dogs and he has been totally enough support. I needed help getting up and down up until about day 5. He also makes my meals and cleans them up for me and would bring me my meds and water the first few days. I think it makes sense if you live alone to have someone stay a week with you, but ive been fine and honestly anytime someone has come to “help” its just felt draining. I didn’t know how much of a hermit I would wana be.
-my dogs. I piled myself in pillows if i was sitting on the couch with them. I also had a no chew spray near by that we used when they were pups but only had to use it one time. My partner helped to coral them the first few days too. I have not yet been puppy stomped
-the stairs. Its been fine I just have to go slow.
Heres some things I found out along the way that were helpful

• keep cough drops in your pocket. Coughing aint fun and my throat was irritated from being intubated for about 4 days after surgery. Also keep the paper so you can spit em out when they’ve done the job if you want. I started getting a tummy ache from having too many.

-keep lil pillows by your toilet. The hospital gave me one that was plasticy and easy to wipe off (like an outdoor pillow insert). Or even a balled up towel would work. I couldn’t wear a binder because of all my incisions but this helped take the pressure off my stomach/incisions when i needed to have a bowel movement.
-if you stack pillows on either side of you, they can act as “arms” that are handy to push down on when you get up.
-sip your water and take your stool softeners as soon as they say you can! It took me until day 4 to poop but it was no problem when it happened.
-lots of deep slow breaths to calm your nerves and pain.

• those squeezable applesauce packs. Great for when you take your pain pills.

Heres some challenges I encountered that surprised me.
-my throat was so sore! For the first 4 days my throat was irritating, it felt like I had a flap of skin sticking down. The first day it hurt but the rest was just so annoying.

• breathing was a challenge. The first few days i was in bed, it was hard to breathe. I couldn’t take a Deep belly breath because of my incisions. I tried to regularly take a big breath filling my lungs though. Once i started being able to get up and walk around it became less of a problem. I think they have a tool for this at the hospital too but i was not offered it and forgot to ask.

-always laying on my back is getting old. I haven’t quite figured it out yet but im getting there.
-not really a challenge but my lower belly is numb. Apparently that can just happen (even long term). Which has actually been helpful since I can’t feel my lower abdominal incision at all
Lastly!! The pain/symptom scale: Day 0: honestly don’t remember much except feeling i need to pee and my throat being sore. Day 1: was still in the hospital. Pain like cramps and burning pain near certain incisions. I was able to walk the hall but very tired after. Sore throat. Day 2: burning pain near bellybutton incisions. Heavy lung feeling. Left the hospital. Day 3: heavy lung feeling. Pinching pain in incisions whenever I stood or sat. Had some moderate discharge that was yellowish with red and brown. Otherwise no pain Day 4: more like a sharp ache when i stood/sat. Discharge again but a very light amount. Day 5: felt strides..any pain was mild cramping. Tried to shower myself and make myself breakfast which led me to be very tired for the rest of the day. Day 6: most tired yet. Pain the same Day 7: felt like turning a page. Pain very little and energy very good.

I have been experiencing intense death anxiety, which is really scaring me. I am particularly afraid of the upcoming summer holiday and have a persistent fear that I will die on August 22. Whenever I hear about someone passing away, I feel an overwhelming sense that I am going to die, and I constantly imagine scenes of my grave and everyone mourning. These thoughts dominate my mind, and I can't seem to escape them.
I've also developed a fear of the number 11, often interpreting it as a sign that I am going to die. For example, if I see the number 11, I immediately think it means I will die. I am terrified that I might be manifesting my own death or that I somehow have an intuition about it. I don't want to think these thoughts, but they control me. I try to ignore them, but it's incredibly difficult. Sometimes, I feel good and think about how irrational my fears are, but then the anxiety returns, and I start overthinking again.
I keep thinking that everything I do is my last. For example, I worry that this will be the last time I see a film or study a subject. These thoughts are overwhelming and make it hard to enjoy anything. Additionally, I often feel physical sensations like my heart falling into my stomach or a sensation in my right chest as if there's water and something floating inside it.
Whenever I get sick, I tell myself that these are symptoms of death and I'll die .Sometimes I feel tingling sensations in my chest that I fear are signs!
Whenever I remember the past and when I was happy I feel sad and get scared that I'll never be happy like how I was ,because I'll be suffering from death anxiety forever. When people tell me that my thoughts aren't real, I don't get convinced I feel my thoughts, feelings and brain are stronger than me . I want to get convinced but something is stronger than me and like it's telling me "That's all in vain, U won't get convinced and you'll die" I'm scared that I'm manifesting my death by talking about it. I don't want to hear and listen all of that!
I hate the summer season because of the death anxiety. I like winter, but I'm keep telling myself that the winter has gone and it was my last winter and I'll die in summer or when I packed away the winter clothes and took out the summer ones, I felt something said that "I won't wear them again and I'll die in summer clothes.". I'm tired and scared of that I want to feel relaxed when thinking about these stuff!
Whenever I watch a movie, I tell myself that if a particular character dies, it means I'll die too. It feels like something else is saying this, not me, because I try to stop thinking it, but I can't. I want a solution other than seeing a therapist. I want to solve this problem by myself. (As I was writing this, I saw the number 11 on the clock, which made me even more anxious. Why does this happen when I am talking about death?)
I am really scared of dying during the summer holiday, especially on August 22. What if this fear is real? How can I know? What if I have the ability or grace to know my death in advance? When I searched for the meaning of 11 or 111, it said to trust my inner voice and intuition and that I am on the right path. Does that mean my thoughts about death are real?! People tell me not to search, but even if I don't, the idea and the meaning are saved in my mind.
Also, when I am in a car, I tell myself that if I see a car with the number 11, it means I'll die, and when I see it, I feel terrified. The same happens with the number 22 because I'm scared to die on August 22. I am scared that this is intuition.
Moreover, when I hear certain words like "future," "next year," "2025," "summer," "July," "August," "September," "University," etc., I feel suddenly scared and feel something in my stomach, like my brain is waiting to hear these words just to scare me. It's as if these words trigger my anxiety even more. I need some ways to help me other than seeing a therapist.
Based on what you’ve read, do you think my thoughts are a result of anxiety, or are they driven by intuition? Additionally, can intuition actually predict death? I need answers for all of my questions!
Does anyone have the same problem?

My friend and I have been friends for the past 3 years. We met during our bachelor studies and immediately hit it off. We connected on a very emotional and deep level. Back then, we were both in a very dark place in our lives. Since then, I have started therapy and I’m in a much better place.
Unfortunately, my friend has not improved much. Most of our conversations now have been me trying to help her with her issues, and I feel it takes me so much energy, and I am not willing to do this anymore. I have also been realising more and more that if I have remove the emotional side of our friendship, we have absolutely nothing in common. She likes to stay at home, doesn’t like trying new things, new foods. She doesn’t like watching movies, nor listening to music, nor dancing. She’s not up for trying new activities like VR. On her bday, I planned a trip to a city nearby, and she was constantly paranoid and scared that people would rob her, so we had to get a taxi everywhere and barely enjoyed our time.
She was also convinced that her stepmother would make her cut contact with her sister based on a hypothetical conversation she thought she would have with her grandparents. I spent the whole train ride trying to convince her that was this would not happen.
I find it impossible to simply hear her saying these things and stay quiet, because I don’t want to reinforce her thoughts. But I also feel like I’m constantly lecturing her, which doesn’t make feel comfortable either. She was seeing a psychologist for a few months, but she stopped because she said it wasn’t helpful. However, she’s no longer trying to find a new one because she says she’s in a better place now. A couple of weeks after this, she was convinced she would fail some courses and decided to postpone the thesis. She told me that this led to extreme anxiety - pulling hair, stomach aches, panic attacks, you name it. To her surprise (not mine), she passed the courses. When I suggested that she really should get help, she told me that school was only a small part of her life, so she didn’t see the point. I could go on and on about it, but the bottom line is that I am tired. I feel like she’s not in a place in which she’s ready for some change, and unfortunately being friends with her is not being a pleasant experience. I also don’t think she’s enjoying constant lectures, which I can completely understand. I’m at point in which I no longer want to be friends with her. I feel like I put in so much effort to change and be a better person not only for myself but for those around me, and I don’t see the same with her. There are also some behaviours that I find difficult to respect. In the past, she had a lot of arguments with her boyfriend because she didn’t want him to go out with his friends. I think she’s also quite codependent, as her boyfriend drives her to university every day before going to his work (which is 40min away) and then picks her up in the evening. This is because she says she cannot bike due getting short of breath and the bus takes too long. Another argument was that she would annoyed(and even angry) every time her boyfriend and his family would talk about his late grandpa, because in her mind he’s already dead. So, as I mentioned, I have a really hard time just listening to such things and not saying anything. My decision is reinforced by the fact that I am moving away in 2 months, and I know for a fact she won’t be putting in the effort to see me. I went to an exchange in another city, and she kept saying she would visit but never did.
This is not to say that I am better than her, but I feel like I am aware of my shortcomings and I am working on improving myself. I can’t say that she’s trying. Or at least it doesn’t seem like that to me.
We both just stopped texting each other, and nothing official was stated. I assume she got tired of getting lectured, and I am unfortunately not interested in hearing only complaints with her, so the conversation just stopped. I went to my psychologist today, and we talked about it. I started thinking whether I should make it official and explain to her how I am feeling, and that I don’t want to be friends anymore. I think I owe that to her. But I don’t know, I think it will be quite painful to her, but at the same time the way things are at the moment, she may not understand what is going on.
What are your thoughts? Thanks in advance!

I had chronic sinusitis for 2 years after a complication from wisdom teeth removal. symptoms were always pretty mild but CT scans showed my entire right sinus was full of goo. the doc did FESS on my right maxillary sinus to drain the infection and trimmed down some tissue to help with future drainage. a pretty limited procedure compared to many, but here’s my first week of recovery for anyone going through something similar!
day of surgery
• I made sure I went with an ENT/hospital I liked/trusted. originally had my procedure scheduled somewhere else but decided to switch last minute— very glad I did
• they had me show up 2hrs before the procedure and took me to my pre-op room. I got into a gown, socks, and hair net. they took some urine, got me on the IV, took vitals. my BP was a little high (probably from anxiety) but didn’t cause alarm. closer to the surgery time I asked them to put some drugs in my IV to help with that
• before surgery, I got to speak with a nurse, the anesthesiologist, and my ENT/surgeon. they asked me some questions and answered any questions I had. anesthesiologist looked into my throat to make sure he had a clear path for the breathing tube. (this was my first time having one of those so I was a lil nervous. all good— in and out while I was asleep)
• when it was time for surgery nurses came and wheeled my bed into the op room. they got me laid out flat. I was still conscious at this time so I had small talk with my doc and the team for a little. somewhere in the middle of that I was out— no breathing mask, no countdown, the IV took me out before i noticed.
• suddenly regained consciousness in what I think was the same room. it felt like coming back from a nap so naturally I kept my eyes closed at first. then someone asked me if I was ready to go and I said yeah, so they wheeled me to my post-op room. that’s where they brought my mom back to meet me (she had been with me in the pre-op room). they gave me a Sprite and some crackers to check for nausea.
• another nurse came in to give me a pain pill (hydrocodone) and my post-op packet. he took my IV out and told me I could get dressed. after I was dressed they sent a wheelchair for me and another nurse wheeled me out to my mom’s car.
• had some moderate pain for the first couple hours, but I took 800mg ibuprofen when I got home and I basically had no pain after that. a steady little nosebleed until I went to bed. some slight rasp/throat clearing from the breathing tube but overall not much soreness.
• took a hydro before bed and also 4hrs later when I woke up in the middle of the night. slept with my head elevated just as a precaution— I didn’t have that much pressure. had pretty broken sleep, inside of my nose became dry/painful from all the dried blood and being advised not to stick anything in there. nothing unbearable tho. put a hot compress on my nose for a few minutes and that helped enough to get me back to sleep
day 1
• no real pain or pressure in the AM. some mild discomfort from the dried blood at first. nosebleed wasn’t as constant and came out clearer. took 800mg ibuprofen when I woke up
• back to eating regular food. I only ate soup, crackers, and pudding post-op the previous day just to re-acclimate my stomach, but had no real food restrictions. just nothing spicy and whatever I felt comfortable eating
• started post-op treatment 24hrs after the procedure. used my steam inhaler as needed and started sinus rinses 2x a day (used Brita water for the inhaler and distilled water for the rinses). doc told me I was allowed to lightly blow my nose after 24hrs. only blew during my sinus rinse
• more congestion on this day, mild headache after sinus rinse. alternated between ibuprofen and Tylenol every 3-4 hrs. hydro before bed
day 2
• woke up with a little more pressure in my face this day. slept through the previous night without much issue
• no more nosebleeds but some blood and mucus while doing sinus rinses. during the rinses I had some yellow mucus and couple blood clots but mostly clear
• more tired on this day, took an afternoon nap. think my body was trying to get back into regular REM cycles
day 3-6
• same routine— pain pills as needed, steam inhale when I felt like it, and sinus rinse a couple times a day
• had some slight congestion and cheek pressure, but nothing all that different than pre-surgery
• sinus rinses were uncomfortable at first but got easier over time. some water would get stuck in my sinuses and come out sometimes hours later
day 7
• had my first post-op appointment/debridement. can’t even lie it was mad uncomfortable but on an actual pain scale probably like a 7/10. lasted only about 3-5 mins total. the camera was sharp, the area was still sensitive, and the suctioning was crazy to hear and feel. I also think the numbing spray gun malfunctioned so it certainly would’ve been easier if I’d been numb, but I did take two Tylenol before the appointment
• I’m doing the rinses for another week and then going for another post-op in 3 weeks
if you read all the way here I hope this helps!

I’ve been on Seroquel for 2ish years, my highest dose was 200mg a night. Due to weight gain & high cholesterol levels my psych has decided to taper me off and switch to Latuda. I did 100mg for 3-4 weeks and am now having to cut my 100mg in half to take 50mg. I’m on day 4 of taking the 50mg and I’m experiencing broken sleep, dizziness, and brain fog. Day 2 I started having really bad stomach pains, and my body felt super stiff. Yesterday, (Day 3) I started to experience even worse stiffness & shakiness along with a fever that wouldn’t break with taking Tylenol. Due to GI issues I can’t take ibuprofen. I’ve also been experiencing headaches throughout the process but that was to be expected. I haven’t experienced a fever yet today, but I can feel it coming on. But the stiffness in my back and muscles are to the point my legs shake when I try to walk and I can barely bend over to pick something up. I’m wondering if anyone else has had this type of experience coming off of Seroquel? Currently waiting for a call back from my provider about these symptoms and the next course of action, if any.

On the 6th of June, I will be giving my FR exam. I am not 100% confident in it as I am still weak in certain areas. I only did the exam kit once. I am still on my second revision of the exam.
As for my situation, on Sunday, I had a stomach ache and thankfully the stomach ache has been dealt with. But the problem is I have a bad headache which has been going on since Sunday night, and I think I have a fever due to the fact that I shiver when my body is not covered by a blanket.
I have at least 16 days left till we give the FR exam. I haven't studied since Sunday. I still have a headache, I am taking my medicines and taking all the rest that I need. I hope I get better tomorrow, so I can continue studying.
In that case, how can I prepare for the FR exam with 2 weeks left.

I consider myself a cinephile with a penchant for horror+drama and great storytelling. But these runtimes…
I know I’m not the only parent to a young child that has short, often late night free time to watch movies. The sheer amount of times my partner and I push back watching acclaimed films (I.e. Poor Things) because we just can’t stomach the length and don’t want to split it up is exhausting. And going to the theater is hard with movies over 2 hours, imo. And maybe that’s a symptom of streaming life now, being able to stop and start at any point.
But I digress- are modern films truly worth this insane extension of story time? I want to see Furiosa but I’m tired lol.

So I’m about 3.5 weeks post-op from having an orange-sized benign cyst removed from an ovary (the ovary survived). Given its size it had to be removed from a 3 inch abdominal incision instead of laparoscopically, and it was expected that things would be weird for a while given my organs needed to kind of fall back into place after being squished, and of course my body got thrown off by pain relievers and anesthetic etc.
I have IBS-C like 90% of the time (diarrhea makes a surprise appearance occasionally) which I manage fairly well if I stay on top of my miralax and colace regimen and avoid trigger foods/overeating. Obviously in the days immediately after surgery it was not great thanks to the opioids, as I did take all 12 prescribed pills of oxycodone over 4 days because I was in a decent amount of pain (having abdominal muscles cut is no joke). A double dose of miralax and a couple glasses of prune juice got things moving albeit uncomfortably.
However, around week 2 of my recovery, I was doing pretty well — eating normally and having normal bathroom habits (for me anyway). But I guess something(?) happened during week 3 and I’ve taken a turn for the worse, despite not really changing much in my routine.
I’m having some symptoms I usually don’t have: - reduced appetite 24/7 - bowel/gas pain during a meal, not just after - bowel movements where I feel constipated but what comes out is Bristol type 5 - tons of stomach gurgling and gas that is mostly unresponsive to anti-gas and acid reducer medication - dull headaches (but no fever) - lower back pain that comes and goes - keep waking up sweatier than is typical.
I’m used to feeling bloated but not used to my bowel movements being so soft and in small amounts at the same time.
Has anyone else had any whacked out digestion in weeks following a procedure? It was only day surgery, and I didn’t take any antibiotics following the surgery. I’ve been off opioids for almost 3 weeks. I will say I might have overdone it with ibuprofen as I was taking it prescription strength daily for close to 3 weeks, but I haven’t had any for about 5 days now and don’t feel any better other than my headaches being less severe. I also thought it might be caused by my period but it ended 2 days ago and I am still having unusual gut symptoms.
Basically wondering if this has occurred with anyone else and if so what did you do? I was hoping to try some things on my own first since my bills from the hospital are really piling up and more doctor visits this month would be financially difficult. I have called my GYN but they were dismissive and said come back in a month if it gets worse.
Part of me wonders if it’s pelvic floor dysfunction? But would that cause gas? I don’t know. Could the ibuprofen have wrecked my whole GI tract?

This is my first reddit post, although I have been a long time lurker of many subreddits. I am 23 years old and an only child. I am not a native english speaker, so please forgive any weird formatting or any spelling/grammar mistakes.
As the title states, my mom died ... and I am currently writing this to try and process this whole situation. I've tried to section all the paragraphs in chronological order, to make reading easier. Sorry for the extremely long post - I just needed to get it all out.
We only just celebrated her 60th birthday back in february. She did all the cooking, cleaning and planning without any trouble - even down to picking out the perfect napkins and flowers for her white and gold theme.
My mother was without a job. She had been jobless for almost 2 years now, after she was fired from her old cleaning job due to frequent sick days because of stomach cramps and pain. She was seen by a doctor back in 2022 for her stomach aches, and they found no physical cause - hence why we concluded it must've been due to stress. The stress and stomach pains subsided after she'd been fired. So we thought no more of it.
In march she was doing a 4-week internship in a local supermarket to see if she might've been a good fit for a permanent paid position. This is common practice for unemployeed people here in Denmark.
My mother started having stomach pains again during this internship, soon followed by back pains as well. She figured this was due to her spending most of the day sitting as a cashier in an uncomfortable position. My mother wasn't very tall, so she had trouble reaching the floor pedals that control the cashier conveyer belt.
In the beginning of april, she went to the doctor. Her stomach and back pains hadn't gone away although the internship was over. Her doctor also concluded it was most likely due to her uncomfortable working position, and that it would pass in a few weeks time. The doctor did some bloodwork, and found that she was severely lacking vitamin D, but nothing else seemed concerning at the time.
In the middle of april, her pains had only gotten worse, and she went to the doctor again. Her doctor did more bloodwork, and did a phisycal exam of my mothers stomach. Her doctor ordered a CT scan to check for anything serious.
19th of april. I accompany my mother to the hospital for her CT scan. We get told that we'll have the results in a week or so. My mother is not looking good when I pick her up at the bus station. She is more pale than usual, and has trouble walking at her usual pace.
23th of april. My mother received a referral to a meeting at the hospital with a doctor and nurse, to discuss the results of the CT scan. This referral is sent from the hospitals cancer department. My mother and I speak on the phone, she is concerned, but I tell her that this type of referral must just be standard pratice, and that she shouldn't worry untill we have spoken with the doctor. I cried that night.
25th of april. The day before her meeting with the doctor, I received a phone call from my mother. She tells me that she had fallen while at home, but that I shouldn't worry. I, of course, worry.
I pack my things and leave for my mothers house, I live an hour away by bus. When I finally arrive my mother seems okay-ish, but the house is another story. My mother is normally known for being a clean freak, and her house has always been clean and organized, But it wasn't anymore.
Her kitchen was a mess, and the dishwasher hadn't been empited or loaded for at least two weeks. Her bathroom is even worse, and I won't even begin to describe the state of the toilet it self. It is a sight that will horrify me for the rest of my life. I cleaned everything, while my mother rested.
My mother had also started sleeping on the guest bed, saying her own was too uncomfortable for her.
While cleaning the bathroom, my mother wakes up. Despite her state, she says she wants to help. But before I can even tell her no, my mother has another fall. Her legs essentially just crumble beneath her, and she falls backwards and lands head first on the floor. We argue back and forth about calling an ambulance, but she refuses to let me - so I don't, even though I should have. I guess I still respected my moms authority too much.
My mother lives alone, as my parents are divorced (they are very good friends though). My mother refuses to let me call my dad and tell him about this whole situation. She is stubborn and too proud to admit defeat.
26th of april. We take a taxi to the hospital. The taxi driver has a help my mother into the car. During the carride my mother says very little, but seems slightly delirious and very tired. When we arrive at the hospital, I quickly borrow a hospital wheelchair for my mother. She is almost unable to walk unassisted at this point.
After waiting for a while in the waiting area, a nurse comes and guides us to a meeting room. My mother is very tired at this point, and still delirious, and I have to handle most of the conversation with the doctor.
The CT scan results showed Pancreatic cancer. The cancer had already spread to her liver and abdomial cavity.
I had read about this cancer a few days prior, trying to figure out what was wrong with my mother. I knew what this meant, and I knew that it was effectively a death sentence. The doctor told us that an operation was out of the question, since the cancer had already spread. And due to the clearly weak state of my mothers health, chemo would also not be offered, as it would finish her.
I told the doctor of her two falls and the state of her home, and that she would not be safe on her own. The doctor had her admitted to a nearby bed department for stomach- and gastrointestinal surgery patients.
The hospital did a ton of bloodwork on my mother when she got admitted, and everything was off. All numbers were either too high or dangerously low. My mothers health was in fact so bad, that I was told she was a heart attack risk. I was also told that if a heart attack happened, she would not be brought back - as it would only prolong a very short and painful life.
I called my dad.
27th of april. My mother slept most of the day.
28th of april. My mother had another fall during the night, trying to get to the bathroom.
29th of april. My dad shows up to the hospital. He wasn't able to get off work until now, as he works in the other end of the country. He is shocked to see my mother in this state. We are told once again by a different doctor that nothing can be done. They are looking into getting her a spot at a nearby hospice.
The rest of the remaining week is spent in hospital. My dad and I are by my mothers side every day. She doesn't leave her hospital room, apart from a few times a day for a smoke break outside. My dad and I take her outside in a wheelchair, which she needs help to get in and out of.
Her bloodwork is showing some slight improvements, but she is still having trouble with infections and receives a lot of antibiotics. She eats like a mouse, but drinks a lot of fluids.
My mother is often very confused or tired most days. She gets referred for an MR scan, to see if the cancer has spread to her brain, or if one of her falls has caused permanent damage. Lucikly the MR scan shows that nothing is wrong with her brain.
She gets confused about her diagnosis a few times, thinking that she had brain cancer instead due to the MR scan. I have to remind her a couple times about what the doctor actually said.
6th of may. My mother seems to have stabilized somewhat so my dad has gone back to work.
7th of may. I get told by the hospital staff that my mother is to be transferred to a different hospital, which is one hour away. I become very upset by this news, and unfortunately yell at one of my mothers nurses in frustration. I yell at her that It'll be harder for me to get to my mother in time if something were to happen. I am ashamed of this childish behavior, as the transfer was the best desicion for my mother in hindsight.
I leave with my mother as we get transferred to the new hospital and their department of palliative care.
I am very ashamed by my behavior to my mothers old nurse, as this department for palliative care was truly the best place for my mother. She seemed very satisfied and happy to have been transferred. They have a large garden with wild flowers, and lovely staff. And my mother got a much bigger room all to herself. She also meets with their physical therapist, who helps my mother relieve some of her pain.
My mother and I have dinner together in the evening in her hospital room. My mom is her old self, although with some delayed speaking. I unfortunately have to rush a bit when leaving, as to not miss my bus home, so I quickly say goodbye to her and leave.
8th of may. In the morning on my way to the new hospital, I received a phone call from her new doctor. My mothers liver has suddenly started to fail due to the cancer. When I arrive, she is asleep. I am told she wont wake up again.
I called my dad, but he wont arrive until the evening, due to the distance from his workplace.
I spend most of the day in my mothers hospital room, listening to her sleep. She occasionally attempts to cough in her sleep, but it mainly just sounds like yells. It is terrifying. The nurses give her pain medication and some sleep medication to help her body relax.
My dad arrives in the late evening. We drive to my mothers house and stay the night there. We spend most of the late evening looking at pictures and scrapbooks of my mother, and packing a bag with clothes for her, for when she passes.
When prepareing the guest bed for my dad, we find a blanket that my mother slept on. It is stained, matching the previous state of the bathroom. We throw the blanket out.
9th of may. Mom is sleeping. Dad and I spend the day at the hospital, but we don't sit in her hospital room. It is too eerie and uncomfortable. We check on her occassionally. Towards the evening, her breathing becomes slightly more rapid and quick. But the nurses tell us to go home. There is no reason for us to sit by her side during the night - as it'll only make it worse for us.
10th of may. I wake at 6.12 am to my phone ringing. It is a nurse. My mother has passed away in her sleep at 6.05 that morning due to liver failure. My dad and I drive to the hospital. I am the first to see her body after the nurses prepared and dressed it in the clothing we picked.
(warning: the following paragraph may be slightly upsetting to some readers)
It it eerie and uncomfortable to see my mother like this. A symptom of pancreatic and liver cancers is that your skin will yellow. Something that I hadn't noticed in my mother till now. I cant help but think that she looks like a wax doll, although I feel horrible for thinking it. I finally touch her hand, after gathering the courage to, almost like I am afraid to distrub her. Her hands are cold, and only get colder as I sit by her side. I am supposed to say my goodbyes to her, and tell her how much she means to me, but in this moment I am speechless. I can't say anything, even on my mothers deathbed. I feels wrong to speak to a corpse. I should've said those things while she could hear them instead. I kiss her forehead before I leave the room.
17th of may. Funeral. The church and casket was beautifully decorated with colorful flowers, like my mother had requested. She didn't want anything white or depressing. I cried all the way through the funeral service, stopping only when it was time to carry the casket out. My dad on the left side, and me on the right, and some other family members behind us. Purple rain by Prince was played on the church piano as we carried the casket. I knew the casket would be heavy, but nothing prepared me for the sheer weight of that thing.
21th of may. Today. I don't really know what to think of my mothers death. Some days I almost forget that shes gone or that all this has been happening, until something reminds me of it.
In a way, I am thankful. Of course I didn't want my mother to die, but I'm glad that her suffering wasn't prolonged for months while she slowly withered away to cancer. And I'm thankful that my mother didn't live to suffer from alzheimers, like her own mother. And I am glad that if anything, my mothers death has brought my dad and I closer.
But at the same time, I am angry that she didn't get to live more of her life. She was only 60 years old, and should have had 20 more years at least. If she at least was 70, it might've been easier to lose her but I doubt it.
I think mostly of all the things she will miss out on, which saddens me the most. I am 23 and my mother wont get to see most of my life or my achivements. If I have kids, she'll never meet them, and she I get married, she'll never see it. My 24th birthday is coming up soon, and I don't know how I'll handle that day without my mother for the first time - or christmas for that matter.
I want my mom.

So I'm not sure where to post this exactly because my flu test was negative-- but I had whatever other virus from hell is going around the US right now a couple of weeks ago. It started with body aches and chills and a horrible headache-- that lasted a few days, and then congestion joined the party. After a while the body aches and headache went away but the congestion stayed and last week I noticed my tonsils were swollen and covered in white patches and I had a sore throat and swollen lymph nodes. I have been to the doctor and they prescribed me antibiotics to see if that did anything for the tonsils. I haven't had a fever this entire time, but I have had night sweats and I still have them. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? I'm so sick of this

In 2012 I suddenly out of nowhere started having severe gallbladder attacks (I didn’t know what they were though, I was a young adult and never had the pain before) to the point I couldn’t eat or stand straight. Then my eyes turned yellow and my urine was bright yellow, stools were white clay colour. The pain was so much that I got taken to hospital and they ran tests and admitted me because I was apparently severely dehydrated (despite drinking enough and eating enough) and my liver was on the verge of failing (their words). I was in hospital for a week. They did an ultrasound on day 4 (they waited this long because apparently they didn’t suspect gallbladder issues due to my age - they were testing me for hepatitis and aids instead.. obviously came back negative). The ultrasound showed nothing, so they said that they suspect gallstones but assume I’ve passed them now.
Left hospital.. stools were yellow off and on for months. Pain was intermittent for months. I’d have mini attacks. Had an ultrasound 4 months after the event and it shows some stones.
Issues seemed to go away.
Through the years since 2012 I’ve had the occasional ‘gallbladder liver’ ‘ache’ sensation in the correct region. Usually after I’d eaten things high in omegas or very oily fatty things. But it was once in a blue moon that it would happen, and I’d take apple cider vinegar and it would resolve the ache very quickly. So it wasn’t really a ‘bother’.
Recently however I’ve been having intermittent and random digestive issues.. my gut will start bubbling and feel weird and then I’ll go to the bathroom and my bowel movement will be super loose or diarrhoea, usually bright yellow. I’ve not noticed anything that actually triggers this, it just happens. The rest of the time my bowel movements are totally normal.
For about 1-2 years now, the upper section of my stomach has been distended/bloated/tight feeling. Sometimes I have to stand up because when I sit down I feel slightly breathless. Not sure if this is linked but I thought I would mention it.
Every time they’ve done blood work it shows my liver enzymes are normal.
I’m in the UK. What do you suggest I do?
I don’t drink, smoke, take any substances, etc. so I’m not sure why it’s happening to me?
Other symptoms are: Acne especially on my shoulders and back, often on my chin too. Adrenaline rushes for no reason. Tachycardia. Random nausea. Sometimes lots of belching or gas for no obvious reason but some food must have triggered it. Can’t eat mayo without feeling crap afterwards and my digestion being weird.
To add - I don’t feel any pain or discomfort at all when I get these digestive issues and stool issues..

Hi I'm a 29 male been diagnosed with OSA with a AHI of 26.2.
Just started using cpap for a week now still trying to get use to using it. My main worry is how long can it take to feel it working. I wouldn't of said my symptoms from OSA are you're bog standard symptoms. I constantly feel drained and aches all over. The main symptoms that really get me down are constant headaches feeling off balance at times and my eyes are constantly strained and tired feeling and struggle to make things out in the distance even know with my glasses on it feel like I can't ware them as if it makes my dizziness feel worse.
Has anyone got tips or advice thay could help or even simillar stories and how they managed to get to a point where they felt back to there normal self's before OSA.
Thank you.

Hi Guys,
Will try not to bore you. I was wondering if anyone has similar symptoms or if their progression sounds like mine.
So last year September, I woke up to this aching feeling when carrying my handbag on my right hand. Within a week, the whole hand was affected. I had pain lifting anything and I started using ibrupofen everyday to control the pain. It was that bad.
That same month, I noticed my vision became very blurry. I started having this shaky and tremor in my legs with slight cramps.
Somehow, my right leg was twitching uncontrollably too. I had shortness of breath when lying down (this has been on and off) with really bad fatigue. I was always tired.
September - Weak shoulder and arm, Painful hands
By October, noticed twitching in my neck and difficulty swallowing. Like I had to push the food down to swallow it properly. This time, I also noticed some cramps in my left fingers and hands. This continued on slowly. I still had strength.
October- Weak Left arm, swallowing issues.
November: I started twitching in my tongue. My tongue dances around. Soon, I would get mouth aches after talking for over an hour and my head felt weak, my neck could not hold itself up and would fall. I was using braces in my hands, legs and neck. This time, they did an EMG on all four limbs which came back clean. This was exactly two months since the symptoms started. I had a clean ANA profile as well.
November - Tongue twitching,neck collapse.
December - Nothing new, the symptoms just got worse. So, I decided to take a blood test. All came back ok except my iron which was extremely low and high copper.
So, I started supplementing iron. This somehow would stop the tongue dancing around for like an hour and soon it would return. This was too much to bear. So, I did the below treatments
Treatments
Feroglobin - 1 tsb per day Glu Scavenger - 1 Folic Acid - 1 Glutathione - 1 Vitamin E - 1 Vitamin D - 1 Ashwaghanda Lions Mane Lserine- 2x a day I also did a phospholipid exchange
Alas, the day I started Tudca mixed with fulvic and humic acid (omnyne on Amazon) , my life changed forever. My symptoms went down by over 90%. No longer had tongue twitching or facial weakness, I could not even notice the weakness. The pain almost went.
I have been on Tudca ever since. Realised the fulvic acid is what makes the Tudca effective so I bought Fulvic Acid separately and this was a game changer. Barely noticed any weakness. It helps with the pain and cramps too and I almost go by everyday without any pain or issues.
however, after a week of stress (I baked a lot and had a lot of guests so I had to be on my feet for close to 10 hours a day) I noticed my left leg has not become weak. The whole thing is all over my body now from head to toe. I am now experiencing similar symptoms as I did in Septembe October only this time, Tudca and acids are keeping it at bay and it did not get so bad like I had in September with my right side.
Problem is my next neuron appointment is in October and quite frankly w/o the Tudca, I think I would be in a much worse state by now. My legs are slowly better and my grip strength sometimes gets so bad but once I supplement with feroglobin, I get better.
I have asked every single person they seem not to even think this relates to the three big words or MS. MRI clean too.
Please help me.

I have been facing stomach issues for a while after a bout of viral fever, for which I had to take antibiotics. My current symptoms include diarrhea like stools and some lower rib pain on the left side (not sure if it's related)
I didn't change my diet in any way. I am taking yoghurt and yakult everyday and haven't seen any improvement. On some days I randomly get a good bowel movement. I don't face any nutritional deficiencies (so far as I can tell) and live pretty actively. Not lost any weight.
Recently I have realised that I have developed allergy to eggs. My lips swell up and my throat gets scratchy. Then a few days ago I had beer after a long time and it gave me almost an anaphylaxis like reaction which subsided after allergy medicine.
I have no idea what is happening to me. I feel like giving up without even trying any treatment. This is just a rant I guess. But yeah if someone has gone through something similar please chime in

Throwaway account for starters because my gf follows my other account. We'll I hope she is still my gf. My gf and I 26m have been together for 5 years. Met in college under not the best circumstances but have been really close for the most part. We have been living together for about 3 years now and since we moved in the passion has been drained to ultimately 0. At first it was a slow build where she said she too tired or stomach ache or something. Then turned to more than a few days or weeks without sex. I was aggressive at times and she admit to me sometimes that she would give sex to me just cuz I wanted it. After a while I knew that had to change. And I did I saw I was a huge asshole about that.
Then I noticed we still were having less frequent time in the bed room and it hurt sometimes going for months without it and I felt bad bringing it up but sometimes I'd drink and it would come up in a less than perfect way. This leads to my drinking problem, I use to pick fights get angry and aggressive with her not in a physical way ever but id say some mean and horrible things.
This was another huge turning point and I still try to keep this under control and my gf genuinely says I have improved when I'm under the influence of alcohol. Either way I'm not the ideal person/ partner, which leads to my cheating. We have been on an off with having sex and the fights have been increasingly more and more. Just over stupid things all the time felt like I couldn't catch a break about the minute details of anything I did. I thought I tried everything to spark the passion in the bed room. Gave her space, smothered her, give her gifts and listen to her talk and take her out of little dates here and there. Just nothing seemed to do the trick. I was feeling alone like we were just roommate that slept in the same bed. I brought this up to her on occasion and I felt like I was always getting the same answers over and over again. Her depression or her inability to love was holding her back. But she has been saying this for 2 years now. There was even a point we went 2 months without a single kiss and we have been repeating this cycle for about a year now. I understand it's not a switch to be flipped but it's hard to see her give way more affection to a dog we adopted last year.
About 2 weeks ago I met a girl online and we met up at a hotel half way from mine and her house. This weekend my gf and I had a huge fight about again passion and affection. We both swore this was the big one. but we decided to stick it out. I'm such a fool I kept the talking to the girl online. I really do love my gf but I wanted attention and affection something that was in low supply in my house. Last night, she found on my phone messages from this girl. I admitted what happened and chased her around the house to just stay and talk and she left. She took the dog and left. I feel like such scum. A moment of pleasure thrown away for 5 years of love and understanding. I sprained my ankle this weekend and my gf was at my beck and call. I love her desperately and I don't know where she is at. I feel like such a fool just not listening to her to go to therapy and seek out help and it's too late. At first I was like I see my gf for security scared of the unknown and had questioned if I can truly find someone else. Now that I had that I don't want anyone else. I've been calling her like a mad man trying to see if she is safe. But why would she talk to me I really don't deserve a second thought. If she does read this I'm sorry and I love you. I'm sorry about the pain I put you through I Don't expect forgiveness just want to tell you I'm a coward and I'm weak. You deserve the world of happiness and I doubt I can give you that anymore. I'm sorry.

Hi all,
It's been about 2 months of tapering -> stopping abilify and it was a messed up experience. I have never felt worse in my life.
I started abilify / aripiprazole in addition to my SSRI for depression and anxiety back in 2018 and I chose to stop it this year after discussing it with my psychiatrist. I was on 10 mg abilify -> 5 mg (for 2 weeks) -> 2.5 mg (2 weeks) -> 0 (3 weeks ago).
week 1 off abilify was good, everything is normal, nothing changed. Week 2 I started feeling like I had a bad case of flu (without lung/throat/sneezing/coughing) and it kept going downhill since then up until today(I hope it stays like this, today is the only day since week 2 I actually feel normal)
Throughout those weeks I experienced body aches, sweating, chills, exhaustion, fatigue that only got worse and worse and I could only sleep it off. I felt like depression and anxiety rebounded for a few days but it wasn't my biggest concern given how awful my body felt.
I have no idea if I this was a massive mistake, I feel alright now after being a zombie for the past 3-5 weeks but I still feel on the verge of starting to shiver.
I would not like to start taking this drug again but I just want to know how long this should last.. I'm booking an appointment with my psychiatrist in the morning to figure this out but my god this has been the worst i've ever felt in my life.
I am currently on venlafaxine XR 150 mg and vyvanse 40mg, and I noticed taking the vyvanse just made me feel worse (It was never like this before)
Until I could see my doc, I would like to hear your experiences with withdrawal/tapering. I genuinely hope today isn't a one-off day of feeling okay and it gets better and that I am not messing up anything. Like did I taper it off too quickly? my doc told me some people stop taking it at 5 mg but told me to taper down to 2.5 mg, which I did but I think I missed the last 2 days of that period. I honestly can't believe someone would stop taking it cold turkey given my experience
Side note:
I've had terrible stomach issues that happened after I started abilify and I feel like my digestive health improved immensely. I don't know if it's related to antipsychotics' effects on gut bacteria but I don't feel completely dead after meals like I used to. I still have GERD but I feel like the symptoms kinda improved but I can't tell for sure if it's related to quitting it