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Beermoney India: Money Making Opportunities in India
2015.12.28 18:27 azizsaya Beermoney India: Money Making Opportunities in India
/beermoneyindia is a community for people to discuss mostly online money-making opportunities in India. You could make decent money, but like its namesake, its just beermoney. It is updated as often as something both new and legitimate comes out, so it should always be your first port of call. If you have something to offer that is not on that site, then please post away! We want to hear about it as much as everyone else does.
2013.03.08 14:00 Verochio UKPersonalFinance: Getting your pounds in order
Discuss, learn and request help on how to obtain, budget, protect, save and invest your money in the UK
2008.03.04 00:47 Frugal Living: Waste Less, Gain More!
Frugality is the mental approach we each take when considering our resource allocations. It includes time, money, convenience, and many other factors.
2024.05.14 11:52 MirkWorks Notes on Recent Episode I
Here. And I’d like to start by noticing that Steve Sailer is obviously Delicious Taco’s dad. Having said this.
Good episode. Lots of engagement which I suppose is a net positive for all involved. Obviously a lot of the injury stems from a distortion. The episode’s content fantasized and in fantasy warped into something constituting a threat (no, an outright assault) to the listener’s person. One can simply listen to the episode and see that some (in fact the bulk) of the negative responses are from people reacting to some spectral absent-presence rather than to the people actually saying over the course of the 2 hour long episode and to what was being discussed. The voices and the discourse have instead been shaped into sonic receptacle containing the reflection of something wildly ugly. Injuriously ugly.
Past few days have been brutal. Found myself doom-viewing the main sub, should know better at this age. Feels like I’ve been transmogrified into an absurd and wretched thing. Must've transgressed against a gnome or something. Fascinating to think about.
I would like nothing more than to shame you.
Miami Summer is a killer. Urine is blood-orange. My mother deserves better sons.
Why would A&D do this?
Witnessing the rankest comments. In bygone age I’d found them tolerable. Having imagined them delivered by high society homosexual. A damned dandy; chubby, sinister, and flamboyant. Capri on a stick limply held between index and middle fingers, twirling wrist ash’ing on expensive Persian rug. The blurry ghosts of his mother and the kid brother who drowned in the pond all those years ago glaring at him from far-off corner. Clearing throat he launches into sing-song slander head peeling back cackling at his own wickedness. Vile and venomous but charming. Instead what we get is 30+ year old mentally-ill men. Men whose Twitter activity has atrophied their cock and balls. Genitals withering away like the Worker's State, in its place a gasping cloaca, worry not I can clock em from miles away. The odious cloaca-havers are soon joined by ruined drug-addled children and the other women. They talk about A&D in disgusting ways. This is unfair and nasty. I confess to being angry. Sweating blood-specked kerosene. Let the scent fill up the empty air between us. My rage singing those overgrown nose hairs.
Of the two I think Anna is the one that inspires the harshest parasocial spite. So much so that I’d recommend she take some protective measures against evil eye and tongue. Maybe take baths with hyssop herb, rose water perfume, and holy water.
It’s as if Anna Khachiyan is a Giant Floating Vagina with teeth and a noticeable overbite. Viewed from another angle it transforms into a Madonna encircled by cherubim. Perhaps we are cruel to Anna in order to be kind to our mothers.
All very pre-Oedipal.
Had to step back and parse it out. Anna draws a comparison between herself and Sailer while also asking him a great question,
07:12-07:49
Anna: “I started reading it during the pandemic because it was the pandemic. I was pregnant and bored and I really relate to you as a person who everyone thinks is like evil and monstrous on the internet, but is actually like quite agreeable and mild mannered in real life. And I was going to ask you this question last, but I may as well just ask it now. How do you feel about your new found popularity? And especially, how do you feel about the fact that you have been effectively adopted by or identified with the hard right?”
The first part of the above extract, the sympathetic recognition, brings to mind a bit of 20th century Hermetic theory concerning harmful thought-forms. Our unconscious self-destructive impulses animating the fantasy-phantasm of the other. Inhabiting their shape. Gaining a degree of autonomy. This artificial entity is vampiric by default, provoking what the Czech magician Franz Bardon calls a "magical persecutory complex"... He goes into detail about such entities in Step VI of his seminal work, Initiation into Hermetics. Describing different types of artificial elementals and phantasms along with details on how to consciously go about creating and dissipating them. One of those artificial psychic entities, the one that concerns us, he calls the schemata. Bardon details two variants, one connected with paranoid persecutory fantasies and the other with erotic obsession. The first type comes about when someone who is “easily excitable, easily influenced or self-important” (Narcissist?) has a run in with another person who has, to put it mildly, a memorable visage and dark personality. The schemata is born from the phantasm modeled after this demonic-looking disagreeable person. The victim begins to attribute all kinds of minor inconveniences to the influence of the ugly person. Deludes themselves into thinking that the ugly/disagreeable person is a powerful black magician. Everything appears to reinforce their paranoid delusions. The schema grows in power feeding off the anxieties of their creatohost. The person might end up committing suicide. This was the persecutory schemas desire, having achieved its goal Bardon notes, “how great is the shock when such a spirit realizes on the mental plane that he has committed a very successful magical suicide. What a bitter disappointment! The demonic looking person, however, has no idea what happened; he was actually only the means to an end.”
God gave us eyes so that we might notice things.
The way I see it:
Being social animals the subject of our fantasy, of our fixations, is the fantasy of the other. What makes the human Human is not that we desire but rather that we desire the desire of the other. An excess desire. We fantasize about what the other is fantasizing and enjoying. Our fantasy of the fantasy of the other is the outlines a fundamental lack within our person, a negativity. Experienced as a splitting of consciousness. Intuiting this lack, becoming aware of it, and attempting to articulate it, we are self-consciousness. This negativity or void is in psychoanalytic terms, the unconscious. We likewise intuit that there had once been some original state. One without lack and contradiction. A state of fullness, without the division between self and object. A harmonious whole. A pure consciousness or as Freud refers to it in Civilization and its Discontents an oceanic feeling. The Original Desire, one that is authentically my own, which was not the desire of the other but which unites our desires in itself. This desire is the extinction of all desires.
The eye that perceives the lovely is at once the eye that perceives what I lack. Perceiving this lack, which explains my present condition, I covet. This is an evil eye. The lover’s gaze is of the same type as the infirm or pathic gaze. Reminded of Zizek’s formulation of one of Hegel’s insights, “Evil resides in the very gaze which perceives Evil all around itself" itself a variation of Meister Eckhart’s “the eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me.” The recognition of evil, the ability to see and judge evil, stems from our ability to recognize disparity. This disparity is already present within our own person, the split-consciousness. The feeling cognized, the awareness of our condition as beings separated from the whole. The clairvoyance of the tyrant and the philosopher.
Suppose that psychopathology is born from our inability to recognize an image as an image.
I intuit something more in this person, something they’re hiding. It can’t just be envy, no. It has to be because I can feel that this thing they’re hiding is sinister. It can’t just be that I feel animosity towards this person, no. It has to be because this person is evil and not just an isolated evil but rather a symptom of a much larger evil. An evil that is responsible for all the suffering in the World, for why my World isn’t the way it should be. It can’t just be attraction, no. It has to be that I intuit something more in this person, something hidden, that I must destroy in order to go on living.
If vile shit comes to mind (as vile things often do, especially when one is immersed in ambient algorithmically-summoned vileness, namely outrage and atrocity porn) they won't affirm it to themselves or try to justify or rationalize it or present it as a rational political stance. And they don’t abstract this particular form of vileness into the primary lens through which they view and interpret cultural phenomena. Unreflexive racial animosity is ugly and fetid. We’re capable of recognizing it, feeling it, as something pathological. We’re also capable of laughing at it. Laughing at ourselves. Look at what our ladies have to say about Stuart Seldowitz (the dude who went viral harassing a halal street vendor) in I’ll Be Missinger. “He sucks,” “he’s a loser,” “he’s obviously sick,” and that he gives the impression of someone who lives alone, will die alone, and will be found weeks or even months after the fact.
Perhaps Red Scare is special in how it manages to elicit absurd, wildly inappropriate responses from listeners. Vulgar and revelatory was it? Steve Sailer elicits a similar response and has become an expert in turning said absurd reactions to his advantage. Generally the cooler-head in any given exchange. While the other person shouts obscenities at a ghost, smashing fists against the post, looking crazy, like a proper hysteric. Sailer breaks the fourth-wall, making eye-contact with the would-be noticer, with a little shake of the head, a little chuckle, a little shrug… “you’re noticing right? See what I have to put up with? Imagine these people defining my legacy.” Still he seems to take it with the good humor of an uncle who will still call you on your birthday, despite your drunken outburst during holiday get-together he will admit to not having resisted the temptation to provoke you, it use to be fun, recall all the cool bands I introduced you too? We use to be best buds, “do you really think anything I’ve said merits this sort of response? Honestly?”
Has to be a cheap trick. A technique employed by an old trickster in decades long honing of craft. Maybe not. Maybe what we see is precisely what we get. Most of the very upsetting things being jokes sincerely intended to lighten the mood. Steve Sailer doesn’t care about the particular political orientation of his audience. He just cares that he has an audience. Grateful for the fans he has. Nonetheless happy that they’re not seething malcontent racists. Even if one disagrees with the methodology, the heuristic, the conclusions. That’s secondary, perhaps even tertiary to the recognition sought. His craftsmanship as a writer.
Why I loved his conflict with Will Stancil. Stancil inspired a lot of pondering for me. Putting things in place…
01:29:22-01:29:28
Anna: “You come for the race science and stay for the prose-styling and vivid story-telling.”
In trying to survive as a writer exiled from Mainstream Conservative media (ConInc) during the Bush Jr years. In fact, correct me if I’m wrong but the cancelation that actually impacted Steve Sailer, setting him down the path we find him in, was brought about not by blue-haired hall monitor millennial leftists but by his “fellow” Conservatives. I imagine that he just went with whoever was willing to take him adapting to the editorial standards and audience sensibilities of the publications willing to provide him succor. Not charity mind you but an ability to engage in his own little labor of love.
Read some Sailer. Might get into that later. But that’s the initial impression I got from Steve. Would be utterly mortified if memorialized as a Racialist Ideologue rather than as an entertaining and thought-provoking journalist. Think I also benefited from seeing how he’s actually received by people who are navigating through (or in certain cases, are mired in) the marginal “Hard Right”-spaces or the Rightwing Digital Ghetto. End up realizing that he isn’t hateful, that what you see is precisely what you get, that he privileges craft over ideology, that his reception and exile from Neocon dominated media outlets (remember these are the people gushing ecstatic over the US invasion of Iraq, manufacturing consent for our adventures in the Middle East) was exceedingly unfair but that he nonetheless managed to persevere. And that he really never goes beyond Norm McDonald in terms of his sardonic wit or The Boondocks animated series in terms of his criticisms. His normality is a great source of stability and comfort for his readers; “noticing” and speculating about these topics doesn’t necessarily lead to one becoming a seething racist.
Returning for a moment to Will Stancil, this was what he inspired:
As the last man standing I spend countless hours immersed in detailed fantasies about the coming apocalypse and my enemy's bliss. A dumb and wicked happiness proportional to my suffering. Easy to imagine other people happy. Hearts unbroken. Unburdened, hydrated, sexually satisfied, debt-free, lucky, successful in all business endeavors. Brute, jezebel, schemer, parasite, rival, betrayer... the whole lot of them thriving. Frolicking in my mind's eye. When the time comes I won't forget that they were happy while...others...suffered.
Find that trying to void your mind of all thought or sit perfectly still for 10 minutes. End up feeling like something requires much less energy from us than nothing. Causes coalescing. Conspiring, to what ends?
You see. The very same principle appears to be at work here. Same pathological base that undergirds genuine racial or ethnic animosity. Fantasizing about the other’s enjoyment and being unable to distinguish between the persecutory Phantasm and the actual human being whose shape it appropriates.
Had a friend recommend forgetting. Forgetting is a dialectical exercise, first you have to acknowledge the thing living rent free in your head and acknowledge its origins... then you have to take the steps to stop feeding it. Letting the thought-form dissolve. Let it be put to rest. Reminded of the practice Orthodox Christian contemplatives call Nepsis.
Other approaches as well, acknowledging the presence of anima veiled in shadow.
But listen…
The podcasts I consume, are a reflection of me as a person. Being what I associate and consume. What does it say about me in particular? Reveal about me? That they should have Steve Sailer on the pod. Settling down. Perhaps some responses could be understood in this light. That a Sailer episode reflects poorly on the listener. Constituting a great betrayal of the love and energy and time I have dedicated over the years to you.
I’m not a racist.
Show me your likes on Twitter and I’ll tell you who you are. The most punitive and brutal god. The idea of the AI nu-god being this, utilizing that standard, is horrifying. Show me your likes on Twitter and I’ll tell you who you are, everything you are, and whether or not you qualify to live.
Shamed, I quietly remove the upvote I gave to the hysterical person and the downvote I gave to him.
Hysteria like a yawn is an empathic contagion.
Back to Anna it’s not because she’s ugly and it sucks that she might nurse this delusion. I actually think Anna is really pretty. Rather I think it’s because she’s a mom. She registers as a maternal figure. That’s one of the reasons I think people respond to her the way they do. As stated earlier. We are cruel to Anna in order to forgive our moms.
[To be continued: Wherein I say horrible things that should never be said to the people I claim to love. Will also interrogate Sailor Socialism]
submitted by MirkWorks to u/MirkWorks [link] [comments]
Good episode. Lots of engagement which I suppose is a net positive for all involved. Obviously a lot of the injury stems from a distortion. The episode’s content fantasized and in fantasy warped into something constituting a threat (no, an outright assault) to the listener’s person. One can simply listen to the episode and see that some (in fact the bulk) of the negative responses are from people reacting to some spectral absent-presence rather than to the people actually saying over the course of the 2 hour long episode and to what was being discussed. The voices and the discourse have instead been shaped into sonic receptacle containing the reflection of something wildly ugly. Injuriously ugly.
Past few days have been brutal. Found myself doom-viewing the main sub, should know better at this age. Feels like I’ve been transmogrified into an absurd and wretched thing. Must've transgressed against a gnome or something. Fascinating to think about.
I would like nothing more than to shame you.
Miami Summer is a killer. Urine is blood-orange. My mother deserves better sons.
Why would A&D do this?
Witnessing the rankest comments. In bygone age I’d found them tolerable. Having imagined them delivered by high society homosexual. A damned dandy; chubby, sinister, and flamboyant. Capri on a stick limply held between index and middle fingers, twirling wrist ash’ing on expensive Persian rug. The blurry ghosts of his mother and the kid brother who drowned in the pond all those years ago glaring at him from far-off corner. Clearing throat he launches into sing-song slander head peeling back cackling at his own wickedness. Vile and venomous but charming. Instead what we get is 30+ year old mentally-ill men. Men whose Twitter activity has atrophied their cock and balls. Genitals withering away like the Worker's State, in its place a gasping cloaca, worry not I can clock em from miles away. The odious cloaca-havers are soon joined by ruined drug-addled children and the other women. They talk about A&D in disgusting ways. This is unfair and nasty. I confess to being angry. Sweating blood-specked kerosene. Let the scent fill up the empty air between us. My rage singing those overgrown nose hairs.
Of the two I think Anna is the one that inspires the harshest parasocial spite. So much so that I’d recommend she take some protective measures against evil eye and tongue. Maybe take baths with hyssop herb, rose water perfume, and holy water.
It’s as if Anna Khachiyan is a Giant Floating Vagina with teeth and a noticeable overbite. Viewed from another angle it transforms into a Madonna encircled by cherubim. Perhaps we are cruel to Anna in order to be kind to our mothers.
All very pre-Oedipal.
Had to step back and parse it out. Anna draws a comparison between herself and Sailer while also asking him a great question,
07:12-07:49
Anna: “I started reading it during the pandemic because it was the pandemic. I was pregnant and bored and I really relate to you as a person who everyone thinks is like evil and monstrous on the internet, but is actually like quite agreeable and mild mannered in real life. And I was going to ask you this question last, but I may as well just ask it now. How do you feel about your new found popularity? And especially, how do you feel about the fact that you have been effectively adopted by or identified with the hard right?”
The first part of the above extract, the sympathetic recognition, brings to mind a bit of 20th century Hermetic theory concerning harmful thought-forms. Our unconscious self-destructive impulses animating the fantasy-phantasm of the other. Inhabiting their shape. Gaining a degree of autonomy. This artificial entity is vampiric by default, provoking what the Czech magician Franz Bardon calls a "magical persecutory complex"... He goes into detail about such entities in Step VI of his seminal work, Initiation into Hermetics. Describing different types of artificial elementals and phantasms along with details on how to consciously go about creating and dissipating them. One of those artificial psychic entities, the one that concerns us, he calls the schemata. Bardon details two variants, one connected with paranoid persecutory fantasies and the other with erotic obsession. The first type comes about when someone who is “easily excitable, easily influenced or self-important” (Narcissist?) has a run in with another person who has, to put it mildly, a memorable visage and dark personality. The schemata is born from the phantasm modeled after this demonic-looking disagreeable person. The victim begins to attribute all kinds of minor inconveniences to the influence of the ugly person. Deludes themselves into thinking that the ugly/disagreeable person is a powerful black magician. Everything appears to reinforce their paranoid delusions. The schema grows in power feeding off the anxieties of their creatohost. The person might end up committing suicide. This was the persecutory schemas desire, having achieved its goal Bardon notes, “how great is the shock when such a spirit realizes on the mental plane that he has committed a very successful magical suicide. What a bitter disappointment! The demonic looking person, however, has no idea what happened; he was actually only the means to an end.”
God gave us eyes so that we might notice things.
The way I see it:
Being social animals the subject of our fantasy, of our fixations, is the fantasy of the other. What makes the human Human is not that we desire but rather that we desire the desire of the other. An excess desire. We fantasize about what the other is fantasizing and enjoying. Our fantasy of the fantasy of the other is the outlines a fundamental lack within our person, a negativity. Experienced as a splitting of consciousness. Intuiting this lack, becoming aware of it, and attempting to articulate it, we are self-consciousness. This negativity or void is in psychoanalytic terms, the unconscious. We likewise intuit that there had once been some original state. One without lack and contradiction. A state of fullness, without the division between self and object. A harmonious whole. A pure consciousness or as Freud refers to it in Civilization and its Discontents an oceanic feeling. The Original Desire, one that is authentically my own, which was not the desire of the other but which unites our desires in itself. This desire is the extinction of all desires.
The eye that perceives the lovely is at once the eye that perceives what I lack. Perceiving this lack, which explains my present condition, I covet. This is an evil eye. The lover’s gaze is of the same type as the infirm or pathic gaze. Reminded of Zizek’s formulation of one of Hegel’s insights, “Evil resides in the very gaze which perceives Evil all around itself" itself a variation of Meister Eckhart’s “the eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me.” The recognition of evil, the ability to see and judge evil, stems from our ability to recognize disparity. This disparity is already present within our own person, the split-consciousness. The feeling cognized, the awareness of our condition as beings separated from the whole. The clairvoyance of the tyrant and the philosopher.
Suppose that psychopathology is born from our inability to recognize an image as an image.
I intuit something more in this person, something they’re hiding. It can’t just be envy, no. It has to be because I can feel that this thing they’re hiding is sinister. It can’t just be that I feel animosity towards this person, no. It has to be because this person is evil and not just an isolated evil but rather a symptom of a much larger evil. An evil that is responsible for all the suffering in the World, for why my World isn’t the way it should be. It can’t just be attraction, no. It has to be that I intuit something more in this person, something hidden, that I must destroy in order to go on living.
If vile shit comes to mind (as vile things often do, especially when one is immersed in ambient algorithmically-summoned vileness, namely outrage and atrocity porn) they won't affirm it to themselves or try to justify or rationalize it or present it as a rational political stance. And they don’t abstract this particular form of vileness into the primary lens through which they view and interpret cultural phenomena. Unreflexive racial animosity is ugly and fetid. We’re capable of recognizing it, feeling it, as something pathological. We’re also capable of laughing at it. Laughing at ourselves. Look at what our ladies have to say about Stuart Seldowitz (the dude who went viral harassing a halal street vendor) in I’ll Be Missinger. “He sucks,” “he’s a loser,” “he’s obviously sick,” and that he gives the impression of someone who lives alone, will die alone, and will be found weeks or even months after the fact.
Perhaps Red Scare is special in how it manages to elicit absurd, wildly inappropriate responses from listeners. Vulgar and revelatory was it? Steve Sailer elicits a similar response and has become an expert in turning said absurd reactions to his advantage. Generally the cooler-head in any given exchange. While the other person shouts obscenities at a ghost, smashing fists against the post, looking crazy, like a proper hysteric. Sailer breaks the fourth-wall, making eye-contact with the would-be noticer, with a little shake of the head, a little chuckle, a little shrug… “you’re noticing right? See what I have to put up with? Imagine these people defining my legacy.” Still he seems to take it with the good humor of an uncle who will still call you on your birthday, despite your drunken outburst during holiday get-together he will admit to not having resisted the temptation to provoke you, it use to be fun, recall all the cool bands I introduced you too? We use to be best buds, “do you really think anything I’ve said merits this sort of response? Honestly?”
Has to be a cheap trick. A technique employed by an old trickster in decades long honing of craft. Maybe not. Maybe what we see is precisely what we get. Most of the very upsetting things being jokes sincerely intended to lighten the mood. Steve Sailer doesn’t care about the particular political orientation of his audience. He just cares that he has an audience. Grateful for the fans he has. Nonetheless happy that they’re not seething malcontent racists. Even if one disagrees with the methodology, the heuristic, the conclusions. That’s secondary, perhaps even tertiary to the recognition sought. His craftsmanship as a writer.
Why I loved his conflict with Will Stancil. Stancil inspired a lot of pondering for me. Putting things in place…
01:29:22-01:29:28
Anna: “You come for the race science and stay for the prose-styling and vivid story-telling.”
In trying to survive as a writer exiled from Mainstream Conservative media (ConInc) during the Bush Jr years. In fact, correct me if I’m wrong but the cancelation that actually impacted Steve Sailer, setting him down the path we find him in, was brought about not by blue-haired hall monitor millennial leftists but by his “fellow” Conservatives. I imagine that he just went with whoever was willing to take him adapting to the editorial standards and audience sensibilities of the publications willing to provide him succor. Not charity mind you but an ability to engage in his own little labor of love.
Read some Sailer. Might get into that later. But that’s the initial impression I got from Steve. Would be utterly mortified if memorialized as a Racialist Ideologue rather than as an entertaining and thought-provoking journalist. Think I also benefited from seeing how he’s actually received by people who are navigating through (or in certain cases, are mired in) the marginal “Hard Right”-spaces or the Rightwing Digital Ghetto. End up realizing that he isn’t hateful, that what you see is precisely what you get, that he privileges craft over ideology, that his reception and exile from Neocon dominated media outlets (remember these are the people gushing ecstatic over the US invasion of Iraq, manufacturing consent for our adventures in the Middle East) was exceedingly unfair but that he nonetheless managed to persevere. And that he really never goes beyond Norm McDonald in terms of his sardonic wit or The Boondocks animated series in terms of his criticisms. His normality is a great source of stability and comfort for his readers; “noticing” and speculating about these topics doesn’t necessarily lead to one becoming a seething racist.
Returning for a moment to Will Stancil, this was what he inspired:
As the last man standing I spend countless hours immersed in detailed fantasies about the coming apocalypse and my enemy's bliss. A dumb and wicked happiness proportional to my suffering. Easy to imagine other people happy. Hearts unbroken. Unburdened, hydrated, sexually satisfied, debt-free, lucky, successful in all business endeavors. Brute, jezebel, schemer, parasite, rival, betrayer... the whole lot of them thriving. Frolicking in my mind's eye. When the time comes I won't forget that they were happy while...others...suffered.
Find that trying to void your mind of all thought or sit perfectly still for 10 minutes. End up feeling like something requires much less energy from us than nothing. Causes coalescing. Conspiring, to what ends?
You see. The very same principle appears to be at work here. Same pathological base that undergirds genuine racial or ethnic animosity. Fantasizing about the other’s enjoyment and being unable to distinguish between the persecutory Phantasm and the actual human being whose shape it appropriates.
Had a friend recommend forgetting. Forgetting is a dialectical exercise, first you have to acknowledge the thing living rent free in your head and acknowledge its origins... then you have to take the steps to stop feeding it. Letting the thought-form dissolve. Let it be put to rest. Reminded of the practice Orthodox Christian contemplatives call Nepsis.
Other approaches as well, acknowledging the presence of anima veiled in shadow.
But listen…
The podcasts I consume, are a reflection of me as a person. Being what I associate and consume. What does it say about me in particular? Reveal about me? That they should have Steve Sailer on the pod. Settling down. Perhaps some responses could be understood in this light. That a Sailer episode reflects poorly on the listener. Constituting a great betrayal of the love and energy and time I have dedicated over the years to you.
I’m not a racist.
Show me your likes on Twitter and I’ll tell you who you are. The most punitive and brutal god. The idea of the AI nu-god being this, utilizing that standard, is horrifying. Show me your likes on Twitter and I’ll tell you who you are, everything you are, and whether or not you qualify to live.
Shamed, I quietly remove the upvote I gave to the hysterical person and the downvote I gave to him.
Hysteria like a yawn is an empathic contagion.
Back to Anna it’s not because she’s ugly and it sucks that she might nurse this delusion. I actually think Anna is really pretty. Rather I think it’s because she’s a mom. She registers as a maternal figure. That’s one of the reasons I think people respond to her the way they do. As stated earlier. We are cruel to Anna in order to forgive our moms.
[To be continued: Wherein I say horrible things that should never be said to the people I claim to love. Will also interrogate Sailor Socialism]
2024.05.14 11:50 Ok_End_1615 Is it really my insecurity ruining things?
So my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for about 3 months now, talking/flirting more for about 5, known each other for 7-8 years (not that well though). We live in different countries, so we’ve only seen each other a handful of times over the weekends.
The whole thing hasn’t been easy in general, but what I keep having doubts about is his friend (a woman). On one hand we’re adults and you’d expect someone this age to have these things figured out, and he claims he does, so I wasn’t jealous at all at first, but then pretty much everything he told me or did just kept making me doubt that.
Before we were really together (but flirting a lot) she apparently had some money issues he only found out about through their mutual friend and so he offered her to stay at his place. It wasn’t the first time, as it turns out, and he really went out of his way to help her even though she didn’t even tell him she needed help. He also didn’t ask my opinion about it at all, but I chalked it up to us not really being together yet, so it’s not like he had any obligation to.
But then, he didn’t even mention it when she moved in. He never talked about her being there and when I asked, he would say that “she’s not relevant to us”. He has no trouble talking about his other friends though. I got insecure at some point because of his complaints about some things about me and asked him point blank why not be with her then (because he never really said anything bad when it comes to her) - which I know is a terrible question - but his biggest reason was that she’s… too tall. He also said that they’re not that good of friends and he doesn’t really get anything out of this friendship other than feeling good about himself that he’s helping her.
He didn’t really ask her how long she would be staying at his place and I told him I wouldn’t visit when she’s there because it would be too weird (it’s just 1 bedroom + a living room, she’s sleeping on the couch there). He kept asking when I would visit anyway and I kept telling him that it would be when she moves out and to let me know when that might be. He didn’t ask her about that for a couple of months anyway, just kept pressuring me to visit anyway because she could just go somewhere else for those couple of days (it’s what she offered, as far as I understood, not that he asked her).
At some point I asked him if maybe some weekend he could stay a day longer here with me and his reply was that sure, “the only thing is that I would keep [friend] here longer then”. I got really annoyed at that but he claimed he didn’t mean the “keep” part, it’s just his “bad” English (not the first language for either of us). After that he said he asked her - but didn’t really ask about moving out, just what her plans are. She told him she was going home for a week and then would start looking for a new place, but again, no deadline or anything, he just said that hopefully she’d be gone by the end of the month.
The week she was away, things between us were really good. The day she was coming back the vibe was off, and in the evening we were supposed to have a “date”, watching the same tv series at the same time in our homes, because he was always saying how important spending time together is for him, and the week before he even said how happy he is that we are making time for each other. In between episodes I asked him if he wants to take a break to say hi since she was supposed to be back at that time, he said she already was back, I told him jokingly to stop being weird about it because I’m not going to be jealous for no reason but it’s strange when he pretends like she doesn’t exist… He said I’m right, talked to her a bit, came back. All good. But then it turned out he was with her in the living room the entire time during our “date”. He said it’s because he only had the account logged in there (borrowing someone else’s), so it makes total sense, but I told him that after all those stories about how important spending time together is for him, it’s not very nice that he was kind of actually spending time with her, not me, because she was there physically, on the same couch, and the least he could’ve done would be to tell me about it beforehand. But according to him it’s not like that and I’m misunderstanding him.
He did say several times that he’s not attracted to her and she’s just a friend, but every time I try to explain that the things he does make me think otherwise, he blames me for not trusting him. I’ve been trying to make him understand that even if there really is nothing there for him, the things he does make me think otherwise, but according to him it’s just me overthinking, he claims he never meant anything wrong, so it’s not his fault, and it’s actually me hurting him by not believing him.
At this point I honestly have no idea if I’m wrong and reading too much into his actions, and should just believe the intentions over everything else. I’ve been trying to, but every time something happens, I feel worse and worse about it, and it bothers me that he didn’t really do anything to show that what he’s saying is true. But then again, maybe I’m expecting too much? After all he’s been reassuring me that there’s nothing between them. Why does it feel though like what he’s doing doesn’t really match those words? Is it just my overthinking? I’m honestly starting to feel like I’m going crazy… If it really is just my insecurity, how do I stop those feelings?
submitted by Ok_End_1615 to self [link] [comments]
The whole thing hasn’t been easy in general, but what I keep having doubts about is his friend (a woman). On one hand we’re adults and you’d expect someone this age to have these things figured out, and he claims he does, so I wasn’t jealous at all at first, but then pretty much everything he told me or did just kept making me doubt that.
Before we were really together (but flirting a lot) she apparently had some money issues he only found out about through their mutual friend and so he offered her to stay at his place. It wasn’t the first time, as it turns out, and he really went out of his way to help her even though she didn’t even tell him she needed help. He also didn’t ask my opinion about it at all, but I chalked it up to us not really being together yet, so it’s not like he had any obligation to.
But then, he didn’t even mention it when she moved in. He never talked about her being there and when I asked, he would say that “she’s not relevant to us”. He has no trouble talking about his other friends though. I got insecure at some point because of his complaints about some things about me and asked him point blank why not be with her then (because he never really said anything bad when it comes to her) - which I know is a terrible question - but his biggest reason was that she’s… too tall. He also said that they’re not that good of friends and he doesn’t really get anything out of this friendship other than feeling good about himself that he’s helping her.
He didn’t really ask her how long she would be staying at his place and I told him I wouldn’t visit when she’s there because it would be too weird (it’s just 1 bedroom + a living room, she’s sleeping on the couch there). He kept asking when I would visit anyway and I kept telling him that it would be when she moves out and to let me know when that might be. He didn’t ask her about that for a couple of months anyway, just kept pressuring me to visit anyway because she could just go somewhere else for those couple of days (it’s what she offered, as far as I understood, not that he asked her).
At some point I asked him if maybe some weekend he could stay a day longer here with me and his reply was that sure, “the only thing is that I would keep [friend] here longer then”. I got really annoyed at that but he claimed he didn’t mean the “keep” part, it’s just his “bad” English (not the first language for either of us). After that he said he asked her - but didn’t really ask about moving out, just what her plans are. She told him she was going home for a week and then would start looking for a new place, but again, no deadline or anything, he just said that hopefully she’d be gone by the end of the month.
The week she was away, things between us were really good. The day she was coming back the vibe was off, and in the evening we were supposed to have a “date”, watching the same tv series at the same time in our homes, because he was always saying how important spending time together is for him, and the week before he even said how happy he is that we are making time for each other. In between episodes I asked him if he wants to take a break to say hi since she was supposed to be back at that time, he said she already was back, I told him jokingly to stop being weird about it because I’m not going to be jealous for no reason but it’s strange when he pretends like she doesn’t exist… He said I’m right, talked to her a bit, came back. All good. But then it turned out he was with her in the living room the entire time during our “date”. He said it’s because he only had the account logged in there (borrowing someone else’s), so it makes total sense, but I told him that after all those stories about how important spending time together is for him, it’s not very nice that he was kind of actually spending time with her, not me, because she was there physically, on the same couch, and the least he could’ve done would be to tell me about it beforehand. But according to him it’s not like that and I’m misunderstanding him.
He did say several times that he’s not attracted to her and she’s just a friend, but every time I try to explain that the things he does make me think otherwise, he blames me for not trusting him. I’ve been trying to make him understand that even if there really is nothing there for him, the things he does make me think otherwise, but according to him it’s just me overthinking, he claims he never meant anything wrong, so it’s not his fault, and it’s actually me hurting him by not believing him.
At this point I honestly have no idea if I’m wrong and reading too much into his actions, and should just believe the intentions over everything else. I’ve been trying to, but every time something happens, I feel worse and worse about it, and it bothers me that he didn’t really do anything to show that what he’s saying is true. But then again, maybe I’m expecting too much? After all he’s been reassuring me that there’s nothing between them. Why does it feel though like what he’s doing doesn’t really match those words? Is it just my overthinking? I’m honestly starting to feel like I’m going crazy… If it really is just my insecurity, how do I stop those feelings?
2024.05.14 11:49 lapuissance123 Looking for some simple investing advice.
I was investing money for the last 5 years in various ways:
Gold
Individual companies via a trading app
Vanguard (FTSE Global All Cap Index Fund Accumulation)
Crypto
Unfortunately I had to take some time of work for a year due to sickness and had to use most of my savings and investments.
I’m starting again after selling a lot of my positions, but I just want to keep everything simple when I restart my investing.
I want to continue investing in a single fund to keep things simple. I’m thinking to keep to the FTSE Global All Cap Index Fund Accumulation but although I invested in it for years, I still didn’t fully understand the dividend aspect? Was the value of it just growing, or was I receiving dividends which caused the value to grow?
I’m also building up my emergency fund, I want to put it in premium bonds as the wins are tax free and aiming to max it out to £50K, currently I have £4K in there and slowly going to build it up.
I will invest in a small amount a month in gold. Probably like 5% of my income.
Does this sound like a good plan? I had too much going on in my last phase of investing and it was complicated and although the value of my portfolio was increasing, I didn’t fully understand why.
Thank you in advance
submitted by lapuissance123 to FIREUK [link] [comments]
Gold
Individual companies via a trading app
Vanguard (FTSE Global All Cap Index Fund Accumulation)
Crypto
Unfortunately I had to take some time of work for a year due to sickness and had to use most of my savings and investments.
I’m starting again after selling a lot of my positions, but I just want to keep everything simple when I restart my investing.
I want to continue investing in a single fund to keep things simple. I’m thinking to keep to the FTSE Global All Cap Index Fund Accumulation but although I invested in it for years, I still didn’t fully understand the dividend aspect? Was the value of it just growing, or was I receiving dividends which caused the value to grow?
I’m also building up my emergency fund, I want to put it in premium bonds as the wins are tax free and aiming to max it out to £50K, currently I have £4K in there and slowly going to build it up.
I will invest in a small amount a month in gold. Probably like 5% of my income.
Does this sound like a good plan? I had too much going on in my last phase of investing and it was complicated and although the value of my portfolio was increasing, I didn’t fully understand why.
Thank you in advance
2024.05.14 11:48 Frog_Shaped Top Surgery Process Journal
The EXTREMELY detailed, mega-anxiety edition!!! Major events like consult and surgery day are labeled like this:
——— EVENT TITLE ———
Surgeon was Dr. David Whitehead and I saw him on Long Island (New Hyde)
Summarized list of major dates:
Consult: July 19 2023 Mental health letter acquired: August 9 Dates discussed: September 12 Pre-op appointment: December 18 Surgery day: January 8 2024 Post-op: January 17
November 11th 2022: Emailed northwell health for the first time, they emailed back saying to call. I was too anxious so I avoided it for a few months.
Called northwell a few months later but got too anxious talking to the person who picked up. They were being normal and talking normally, it was just personal anxiety on my part.
October 2022 - Early March 2023: Spent time talking to trans friends and family members about their timelines and processes for top surgery.
Looked into Penn medicine for a bit but wasn’t happy with the surgeons there, specifically as a nonbinary person. The patient navigational team however is lovely.
March 2: emailed Penn health patient navigation
March 3-10: correspondence and phone calls w patient navigation (absolutely wonderful people, some of the easiest phone calls I’ve ever had) Got lots of into on surgeons, things I’d need, processes etc.
Date unknown: phone call to Penn medicine asking about surgeons and possibly setting up as a patient (v long wait time on phone) Surgeon I had heard good things about only works w CHOP program and I’m was too old for that program. Other surgeons I was v iffy on.
March 23rd: Back to square 1. Called northwell again to set up an appointment. Everyone I spoke to was really nice. Could have set up an appointment within the week but decided to wait till the end of the semester. Scheduled a trans care and primary care appointment for May
Couple of calls In between for confirmations. Trans care appointment got moved around a bit and ended up being moved to a phone call.
May 8th: Trans care call: Basic preliminary questions like: Emergency contact, what you’re looking for, are you thinking of looking into hormones, experience w dysphoria or dysmorphia, mental health, and eating/nutritional concerns, things you might want doc to know, piercings or tattoos, do you do any drugs or drink often, etc. total call time was about 20 minutes. Doctor was incredibly kind, I still experienced a good deal of anxiety but the call was super easy, welcoming, and friendly. Got sent contact referrals for the surgeons, as well as trans-friendly therapists under my insurance.
May 9th: started looking at list of therapists and making respective emails and calls. Checking per session costs and double checking insurance. Most charge 100-150 per session. Got in contact w one.
May 10th: Called w first therapist talking about what I’m looking for, where I am in this process, if parents are supportive, and talking about costs. She was very friendly and affirming, wants to have a few sessions to get to know me and my situation before writing a letter. Understandable and expected, but frustrating.
May 15th: Primary care appointment: Went to northwell health primary care, parkinglot was a little scary (just a large lot with a lot of cars) but everyone working there’s is super kind. Office is incredibly affirming, pride flags and lgbtq+ art everywhere. Gave my insurance card, filled out some paper work, got called in pretty quickly. I have a needle phobia and medical trauma so I was panicking a bit in the office, nurse was good w me about it and doctor was very kind, I just requested to not have any blood work done that day and that was totally fine, so I could schedule that at a later date and go w a friend. Recommended to get blood work done before scheduling a consult w a surgeon. Also prescribed me a single dose anxiety med for the bloodwork which I was very happy about. I found over time that the anxiety meds unfortunately do little to nothing for my panic attacks personally when it comes to needles but regardless having a doctor acknowledge and respect that fear and listen to me was incredibly helpful and reassuring.
May 30th: Got blood work done in a different lab, went w a friend. Scheduling for that is super easy, I think I did it online actually I don’t entirely recall. they do take walk ins but I made an appointment to minimize complications and make sure I could prepare properly. Front desk/lobby area was a little spooky, but I think that is mainly just bc of my social anxiety. They take a urine sample, you give them your prescription, eventually they call you over for blood work. Quick and easy, tech was v nice and having a friend with me was incredibly helpful. Probably the best I’ve ever done with a needle despite the fact that I did still panic and get very lightheaded lol.
Got blood work results back within the next couple days, all looks a-okay! Neat :)
June 15th This day was incredibly difficult. I had my first session with a therapist to establish some ground knowledge around my dysphoria and the way that I view myself. Top surgery is something that I know from research and related experience Can be difficult and expensive to get and can take time, so much of my prep work has been on the understanding of taking things a step at a time and just knowing that the current way things are doesn’t have to be forever. It allowed me to be able to live with myself while prioritizing my health better. This read to the therapist as “not having the level of dysphoria [she’s] come to expect and look for in someone who is trans” and was largely based off the fact that I don’t want to go on hrt. Past that point I started to break down because now my method of learning to live with myself felt like it was actively going to work against me and prevent me from getting top surgery. I’m not good at talking about my dysphoria, I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone, especially to a stranger I just met. It was rough, and I felt incredibly mentally drained after ending the session.
June 19th Called it quits with the first therapist, I felt incredibly disrespected and the one session we had put me in a mental spiral for days. It can feel some times in this process like the people you have to get permission from need you to be severely depressed and unable to wait another second for this procedure just in order to take you seriously.
After I left that therapist, I immediately got back to the list to find someone new. Spoke to a new therapist via email, but my insurance is kinda weird (Blue Cross Blue Shield out of state) so its off putting to some people. This therapist recommended I go through the office she started out at (Heart and Soul Counseling)
————- Time Skip ——————
IM BACK its time for some record keeping. Got super overwhelmed and lost the energy to document my process for some time so here goes.
HEART AND SOUL COUNSELING: My experience w/ this therapy office was mostly good. The person in charge, Jesse, was absolutely lovely and responsive. Never spoke in person, but any text/email interaction was prompt, respectful, and kind. The office is stellar with email/text communication, so I only ever had to call them once when I was initially inquiring about the office. This is something I wish all therapy/counseling centers did better, eliminated a ton of my anxiety and hesitation to speak to therapists.
I got set up w someone as quickly as possible and established what my goal was (to acquire letter document for my surgery team). I attended multiple session w the therapist, she was a kind lady but the sessions were unfortunately p miserable for me. We didn’t fit well, but I was willing to stick it out rather than backtrack on my process. She also did not invalidate me or accuse me of not being trans which was a major step up from my first therapy experience. Once I acquired my letter I did stop therapy there, I kindly explained to the therapist that it wasn’t a good match, but I may honestly explore my options at the office in the future. Receptionist there was also lovely and they had a cool fish tank.
———- CONSULT STARTS HERE —————
July 19th: CONSULT!!! My mama and I went to Dr. David Whiteheads office for a consult. Parking was a nightmare so I’m super glad I didn’t have to drive for this one (ty mama). Consult went really well, and the staff were all super friendly. Dr. Whitehead is cool, very chill energy and a bit intimidating, but I’m scared of everyone so that’s nothing new. First question he asked me is what I wanted/what he could do for me which caught me more off guard than it should have? I didn’t realize going into this process how many times people ask you what you’re having done even if it’s already written down, because there’s so much variety in what you can look for in the results.
We talked about the procedure, went through a slideshow n stuff, and discussed how I wanted a flat chest w/ no nipple preservation. They made sure to specify that my mental health professional letter had to include that I did not want nipple preservation because thats technically a “non-standard” appearance. Also had the first breast exam I’ve ever had in my life. Can’t say i’m a fan (not that I need to worry about that anymore!) Took pictures n measurements n such, and also discussed recovery supplies and care w me and my mom.
August 9th: After a plethora of painfully awkward therapy sessions, a decent amount of crying, and a couple breakdowns in friends cars/backyards, I got my therapist letter and sent it to the surgeons office. It ended up needing minor revisions to which I contacted Jesse from Heart and Soul and he got me the revised letter immediately. Unfortunately the surgical coordinator was out of office for the rest of the month the next day ;w;. Is how it be.
September 12th: Got a call from Surgical coordinator mid-painting class that I stepped out to take. Started discussing surgical dates!! She was kind enough to email the dates to me which was lovely because I was absolutely shaking/mind blank haha. There was an option for January 8th which felt like an absolute miracle the way it would work with my school schedule. It would give me a solid two weeks recovery time before spring semester began. Because it would be a couple months out, I was asked to contact her in the second week of October to submit documents to insurance.
(Timeline note: earliest date offered was in early December)
October 10th: Documents sent to insurance, predetermination started
October 30th: Received mail from my insurance approving my procedure as medically necessary (YAY) But! This is also where things get,,, fun! Dr Whitehead’s surgical coordinator, Alyssa, is a blessing and was very helpful and prompt with me despite the fact that I had to email her pretty constantly during this general time which I still feel bad about.
Around this time, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, which I reported to the surgical coordinator because it influences my family history (grandmother also had breast cancer). It was asked that I get genetic testing done because this could impact my surgical procedure. Now I’m handling the setup on this between helping my mom in her process setting up consults and considering her options because there of course is a lot of crossover to the steps I’ve already completed and am familiar with.
November 1st: Very kind person at cancer genetics calls me, sends me a family history questionnaire to fill out before I can be scheduled to see a genetic counselor. Filled out the questionnaire the same day.
November 8th: Called cancer genetics to check about scheduling, office was not open so left a message. Got a call back later in the day. I have a virtual appointment with a Genetic counselor Tuesday the 14th. Current plan is a mailed saliva genetic test but I’m going to ask if theres anything I can do to get results/materials quicker. If I can’t get results/feedback by December 8th my surgery date may get deferred.
Trying not to stress too much because there is little to nothing I can do about this, and I just don’t want to be sad. I’ve kept telling myself throughout this process to not get excited and not let myself believe anything is solid because something could happen at any time that might mess up my schedule or plan, and If I convince myself I’m in the clear, those changes will hurt a lot more. So far I think thats been a good move, because this really sucks.
My surgery date is still officially scheduled as of now as well as my first post-op. I will also ideally have pre-surgical testing done December 18th should I be cleared by genetics in time (Fingers crossed!)
ALSO! Def lean on friends if/when you can during this process. It can absolutely be challenging, and having a support system is incredibly important and helpful. I’m super lucky to have really lovely and supportive friends that are around to listen to me and send me pictures of stupid little animals.
November 9th: My mama is scheduled for her double mastectomy on December 4th
November 10th: Did some shopping with my mama for recovery supplies for double mastectomy/top surgery. Having watched a million and a half transition/top surgery videos and tiktoks and having read all the blogs and posts and tweets makes you a great support for someone suddenly faced with an upcoming double mastectomy! We might go shopping this weekend for some button ups and zip ups for her, clothes shopping is better done when you can try stuff on
November 14th: Meeting w genetic counselor: Victoria Webb, one of the loveliest medical care workers I’ve ever met. Had a virtual appointment with her to discuss and set up genetic testing. I explained to her about my situation w the proximity of my surgery and tight deadline as well as my willingness to do a blood test instead of a saliva kit to get results quicker. She was so incredibly kind and good with me, ended up being able to do a saliva kit and get results in time she deserves every good thing in life.
December 18th: pre-surgical testing: This was at the main hospital, everyone was really nice but I had a really bad panic attack despite being on Xanax.
The process is sort of like getting a physical. Measurements like weight and blood pressure get taken, lots of preliminary health questions. The people working with me were really kind and I was very open with them about my anxiety, it was visually apparent though anyway because I started crying the second we even started talking about the blood draw.
Once the equipment was actually brought into the room I started to panic. Both of the women working with me were really kind and helpful and tried to distract me and keep me talking the entire time, but I did still have a really horrible panic attack. Every muscle in my body locked up and I lost all my color, took a bit to get back to a spot where I could move and talk properly because my speech was affected too. It was a bit scary but funny to think about in post. Thanked the medical staff for being patient w me as always, a good portion of the anxiety is also guilt about making things harder for them. Got through it tho. Def eat before presurgical if allowed, I didn’t and that probably didn’t help!!
———- SURGERY DAY ————-
January 8th:
Ok so surgery day:
This day was very scary. Got my phone call the Friday prior for my surgery time which ended up being 1pm and I was asked to arrive around 11. Got there at 10 and went in at 10:30.
Called up to check in then in waiting room till someone brought me back to change. I told her right away about my anxiety with the iv bc that’s legit all I could think about. Got changed right after. I was generally shaky and a little disoriented the entire time because I was panicking but everyone was very patient with me. Clothes and belongings go in a bag in a locker and you get two gowns one that faces back and one that faces front. I was given underwear and a pad as well because lucky me I got my period a couple days before my surgery.
The pre-op area is a lot of little cubicles with curtain divider things, blue soft chairs, and medical equipment. Everyone I met and spoke to was very kind, but any time someone even suggested starting my iv I would panic. I was informed it would have to be placed in my hand and that terrified me, I’m especially anxious and sensitive about my hands and fingers. I think doctors and nurses tend to misunderstand exactly where my fear is with needles and ivs. It isn’t the pain that scares me, but the concept of veins and and anything being in them. Even writing this right now is horrible so I’m going to stop w any further detail. I spent the entire two-ish hours of pre-op absolutely terrified about this iv.
I wasn’t really keeping track of time but dr whitehead came in to do markings for surgery. They had cool rainbow socks on,big fan. Having your chest drawn on and just like, moved around n shit is such an experience. Felt bad because I kept losing my balance but doctor Whitehead is cool and I am 98% less scared about them now.
Probably my most favorite person I met during my entire hospital experience was the anesthesiologist. I know he told me what his name was but I couldn’t focus on or retain information at the time. He told me we could essentially put me to sleep with gas before putting the iv in and for the first time in probably a solid week I felt like I could calm down a little. He took a look at my hand and arm to check my veins which always does freak me out a bit but I’m more used to that kind of thing at this point and I know nothing bad is going to happen. One of the nurses came in with the iv equipment and he let her know that were going to wait till in the or which was also incredibly helpful because I absolutely panicked when I saw that little supply kit again.
V nice lady brought me into the or, I’d never been in one before it was cool. They had a little music speaker which was really cool. Took off blue jacket gown and they helped me onto the table. They put a warm blanket over my legs and my chest to help me calm down. Before long they gave me a mask w fun happy sleepy time gas, they let me keep my arms on my chest for a while which was really nice because I was still scared. I started getting loopy pretty fast but I still heard when someone mentioned where the iv equipment was and panicked a little because of that. I remember feeling them take my hand for that but never actually felt anything happen. Just some fear but the gas was v helpful obvi. Someone said they would see me in a little bit, and then I was groggily waking up in recovery.
Recovery was a little rough bc the iv was still there (fully wrapped up so I couldn’t see it though which was rad) but I was still really anxious about it until it was taken out and when it was taken out. For anyone that struggles w this i did not feel them remove it, just the tape. Everything was mentally much easier after that. After a while, going over instructions w parents, a cracker , some ginger ale and some juice, my dad helped me Get dressed and I was helped out to the car in a wheel chair. Ride was smooth bc of remaining numbness and meds except a few Bumps in the road
TOP SURGERY GOTTEN
My post op date was scheduled for Jan 17th and that’s the day I got my drains out followed by several post op check-ins. First week of recovery was miserable but things exponentially approved each day past that, and I went back to school in person two weeks post-op with driving and item-carrying assistance from friends!
Will upload recovery notes at a later date! Feel free to message me with any questions, more than happy to answer and give info! I’m a bit over four months out from surgery now and thriving 🥳
submitted by Frog_Shaped to TopSurgery [link] [comments]
——— EVENT TITLE ———
Surgeon was Dr. David Whitehead and I saw him on Long Island (New Hyde)
Summarized list of major dates:
Consult: July 19 2023 Mental health letter acquired: August 9 Dates discussed: September 12 Pre-op appointment: December 18 Surgery day: January 8 2024 Post-op: January 17
November 11th 2022: Emailed northwell health for the first time, they emailed back saying to call. I was too anxious so I avoided it for a few months.
Called northwell a few months later but got too anxious talking to the person who picked up. They were being normal and talking normally, it was just personal anxiety on my part.
October 2022 - Early March 2023: Spent time talking to trans friends and family members about their timelines and processes for top surgery.
Looked into Penn medicine for a bit but wasn’t happy with the surgeons there, specifically as a nonbinary person. The patient navigational team however is lovely.
March 2: emailed Penn health patient navigation
March 3-10: correspondence and phone calls w patient navigation (absolutely wonderful people, some of the easiest phone calls I’ve ever had) Got lots of into on surgeons, things I’d need, processes etc.
Date unknown: phone call to Penn medicine asking about surgeons and possibly setting up as a patient (v long wait time on phone) Surgeon I had heard good things about only works w CHOP program and I’m was too old for that program. Other surgeons I was v iffy on.
March 23rd: Back to square 1. Called northwell again to set up an appointment. Everyone I spoke to was really nice. Could have set up an appointment within the week but decided to wait till the end of the semester. Scheduled a trans care and primary care appointment for May
Couple of calls In between for confirmations. Trans care appointment got moved around a bit and ended up being moved to a phone call.
May 8th: Trans care call: Basic preliminary questions like: Emergency contact, what you’re looking for, are you thinking of looking into hormones, experience w dysphoria or dysmorphia, mental health, and eating/nutritional concerns, things you might want doc to know, piercings or tattoos, do you do any drugs or drink often, etc. total call time was about 20 minutes. Doctor was incredibly kind, I still experienced a good deal of anxiety but the call was super easy, welcoming, and friendly. Got sent contact referrals for the surgeons, as well as trans-friendly therapists under my insurance.
May 9th: started looking at list of therapists and making respective emails and calls. Checking per session costs and double checking insurance. Most charge 100-150 per session. Got in contact w one.
May 10th: Called w first therapist talking about what I’m looking for, where I am in this process, if parents are supportive, and talking about costs. She was very friendly and affirming, wants to have a few sessions to get to know me and my situation before writing a letter. Understandable and expected, but frustrating.
May 15th: Primary care appointment: Went to northwell health primary care, parkinglot was a little scary (just a large lot with a lot of cars) but everyone working there’s is super kind. Office is incredibly affirming, pride flags and lgbtq+ art everywhere. Gave my insurance card, filled out some paper work, got called in pretty quickly. I have a needle phobia and medical trauma so I was panicking a bit in the office, nurse was good w me about it and doctor was very kind, I just requested to not have any blood work done that day and that was totally fine, so I could schedule that at a later date and go w a friend. Recommended to get blood work done before scheduling a consult w a surgeon. Also prescribed me a single dose anxiety med for the bloodwork which I was very happy about. I found over time that the anxiety meds unfortunately do little to nothing for my panic attacks personally when it comes to needles but regardless having a doctor acknowledge and respect that fear and listen to me was incredibly helpful and reassuring.
May 30th: Got blood work done in a different lab, went w a friend. Scheduling for that is super easy, I think I did it online actually I don’t entirely recall. they do take walk ins but I made an appointment to minimize complications and make sure I could prepare properly. Front desk/lobby area was a little spooky, but I think that is mainly just bc of my social anxiety. They take a urine sample, you give them your prescription, eventually they call you over for blood work. Quick and easy, tech was v nice and having a friend with me was incredibly helpful. Probably the best I’ve ever done with a needle despite the fact that I did still panic and get very lightheaded lol.
Got blood work results back within the next couple days, all looks a-okay! Neat :)
June 15th This day was incredibly difficult. I had my first session with a therapist to establish some ground knowledge around my dysphoria and the way that I view myself. Top surgery is something that I know from research and related experience Can be difficult and expensive to get and can take time, so much of my prep work has been on the understanding of taking things a step at a time and just knowing that the current way things are doesn’t have to be forever. It allowed me to be able to live with myself while prioritizing my health better. This read to the therapist as “not having the level of dysphoria [she’s] come to expect and look for in someone who is trans” and was largely based off the fact that I don’t want to go on hrt. Past that point I started to break down because now my method of learning to live with myself felt like it was actively going to work against me and prevent me from getting top surgery. I’m not good at talking about my dysphoria, I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone, especially to a stranger I just met. It was rough, and I felt incredibly mentally drained after ending the session.
June 19th Called it quits with the first therapist, I felt incredibly disrespected and the one session we had put me in a mental spiral for days. It can feel some times in this process like the people you have to get permission from need you to be severely depressed and unable to wait another second for this procedure just in order to take you seriously.
After I left that therapist, I immediately got back to the list to find someone new. Spoke to a new therapist via email, but my insurance is kinda weird (Blue Cross Blue Shield out of state) so its off putting to some people. This therapist recommended I go through the office she started out at (Heart and Soul Counseling)
————- Time Skip ——————
IM BACK its time for some record keeping. Got super overwhelmed and lost the energy to document my process for some time so here goes.
HEART AND SOUL COUNSELING: My experience w/ this therapy office was mostly good. The person in charge, Jesse, was absolutely lovely and responsive. Never spoke in person, but any text/email interaction was prompt, respectful, and kind. The office is stellar with email/text communication, so I only ever had to call them once when I was initially inquiring about the office. This is something I wish all therapy/counseling centers did better, eliminated a ton of my anxiety and hesitation to speak to therapists.
I got set up w someone as quickly as possible and established what my goal was (to acquire letter document for my surgery team). I attended multiple session w the therapist, she was a kind lady but the sessions were unfortunately p miserable for me. We didn’t fit well, but I was willing to stick it out rather than backtrack on my process. She also did not invalidate me or accuse me of not being trans which was a major step up from my first therapy experience. Once I acquired my letter I did stop therapy there, I kindly explained to the therapist that it wasn’t a good match, but I may honestly explore my options at the office in the future. Receptionist there was also lovely and they had a cool fish tank.
———- CONSULT STARTS HERE —————
July 19th: CONSULT!!! My mama and I went to Dr. David Whiteheads office for a consult. Parking was a nightmare so I’m super glad I didn’t have to drive for this one (ty mama). Consult went really well, and the staff were all super friendly. Dr. Whitehead is cool, very chill energy and a bit intimidating, but I’m scared of everyone so that’s nothing new. First question he asked me is what I wanted/what he could do for me which caught me more off guard than it should have? I didn’t realize going into this process how many times people ask you what you’re having done even if it’s already written down, because there’s so much variety in what you can look for in the results.
We talked about the procedure, went through a slideshow n stuff, and discussed how I wanted a flat chest w/ no nipple preservation. They made sure to specify that my mental health professional letter had to include that I did not want nipple preservation because thats technically a “non-standard” appearance. Also had the first breast exam I’ve ever had in my life. Can’t say i’m a fan (not that I need to worry about that anymore!) Took pictures n measurements n such, and also discussed recovery supplies and care w me and my mom.
August 9th: After a plethora of painfully awkward therapy sessions, a decent amount of crying, and a couple breakdowns in friends cars/backyards, I got my therapist letter and sent it to the surgeons office. It ended up needing minor revisions to which I contacted Jesse from Heart and Soul and he got me the revised letter immediately. Unfortunately the surgical coordinator was out of office for the rest of the month the next day ;w;. Is how it be.
September 12th: Got a call from Surgical coordinator mid-painting class that I stepped out to take. Started discussing surgical dates!! She was kind enough to email the dates to me which was lovely because I was absolutely shaking/mind blank haha. There was an option for January 8th which felt like an absolute miracle the way it would work with my school schedule. It would give me a solid two weeks recovery time before spring semester began. Because it would be a couple months out, I was asked to contact her in the second week of October to submit documents to insurance.
(Timeline note: earliest date offered was in early December)
October 10th: Documents sent to insurance, predetermination started
October 30th: Received mail from my insurance approving my procedure as medically necessary (YAY) But! This is also where things get,,, fun! Dr Whitehead’s surgical coordinator, Alyssa, is a blessing and was very helpful and prompt with me despite the fact that I had to email her pretty constantly during this general time which I still feel bad about.
Around this time, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, which I reported to the surgical coordinator because it influences my family history (grandmother also had breast cancer). It was asked that I get genetic testing done because this could impact my surgical procedure. Now I’m handling the setup on this between helping my mom in her process setting up consults and considering her options because there of course is a lot of crossover to the steps I’ve already completed and am familiar with.
November 1st: Very kind person at cancer genetics calls me, sends me a family history questionnaire to fill out before I can be scheduled to see a genetic counselor. Filled out the questionnaire the same day.
November 8th: Called cancer genetics to check about scheduling, office was not open so left a message. Got a call back later in the day. I have a virtual appointment with a Genetic counselor Tuesday the 14th. Current plan is a mailed saliva genetic test but I’m going to ask if theres anything I can do to get results/materials quicker. If I can’t get results/feedback by December 8th my surgery date may get deferred.
Trying not to stress too much because there is little to nothing I can do about this, and I just don’t want to be sad. I’ve kept telling myself throughout this process to not get excited and not let myself believe anything is solid because something could happen at any time that might mess up my schedule or plan, and If I convince myself I’m in the clear, those changes will hurt a lot more. So far I think thats been a good move, because this really sucks.
My surgery date is still officially scheduled as of now as well as my first post-op. I will also ideally have pre-surgical testing done December 18th should I be cleared by genetics in time (Fingers crossed!)
ALSO! Def lean on friends if/when you can during this process. It can absolutely be challenging, and having a support system is incredibly important and helpful. I’m super lucky to have really lovely and supportive friends that are around to listen to me and send me pictures of stupid little animals.
November 9th: My mama is scheduled for her double mastectomy on December 4th
November 10th: Did some shopping with my mama for recovery supplies for double mastectomy/top surgery. Having watched a million and a half transition/top surgery videos and tiktoks and having read all the blogs and posts and tweets makes you a great support for someone suddenly faced with an upcoming double mastectomy! We might go shopping this weekend for some button ups and zip ups for her, clothes shopping is better done when you can try stuff on
November 14th: Meeting w genetic counselor: Victoria Webb, one of the loveliest medical care workers I’ve ever met. Had a virtual appointment with her to discuss and set up genetic testing. I explained to her about my situation w the proximity of my surgery and tight deadline as well as my willingness to do a blood test instead of a saliva kit to get results quicker. She was so incredibly kind and good with me, ended up being able to do a saliva kit and get results in time she deserves every good thing in life.
December 18th: pre-surgical testing: This was at the main hospital, everyone was really nice but I had a really bad panic attack despite being on Xanax.
The process is sort of like getting a physical. Measurements like weight and blood pressure get taken, lots of preliminary health questions. The people working with me were really kind and I was very open with them about my anxiety, it was visually apparent though anyway because I started crying the second we even started talking about the blood draw.
Once the equipment was actually brought into the room I started to panic. Both of the women working with me were really kind and helpful and tried to distract me and keep me talking the entire time, but I did still have a really horrible panic attack. Every muscle in my body locked up and I lost all my color, took a bit to get back to a spot where I could move and talk properly because my speech was affected too. It was a bit scary but funny to think about in post. Thanked the medical staff for being patient w me as always, a good portion of the anxiety is also guilt about making things harder for them. Got through it tho. Def eat before presurgical if allowed, I didn’t and that probably didn’t help!!
———- SURGERY DAY ————-
January 8th:
Ok so surgery day:
This day was very scary. Got my phone call the Friday prior for my surgery time which ended up being 1pm and I was asked to arrive around 11. Got there at 10 and went in at 10:30.
Called up to check in then in waiting room till someone brought me back to change. I told her right away about my anxiety with the iv bc that’s legit all I could think about. Got changed right after. I was generally shaky and a little disoriented the entire time because I was panicking but everyone was very patient with me. Clothes and belongings go in a bag in a locker and you get two gowns one that faces back and one that faces front. I was given underwear and a pad as well because lucky me I got my period a couple days before my surgery.
The pre-op area is a lot of little cubicles with curtain divider things, blue soft chairs, and medical equipment. Everyone I met and spoke to was very kind, but any time someone even suggested starting my iv I would panic. I was informed it would have to be placed in my hand and that terrified me, I’m especially anxious and sensitive about my hands and fingers. I think doctors and nurses tend to misunderstand exactly where my fear is with needles and ivs. It isn’t the pain that scares me, but the concept of veins and and anything being in them. Even writing this right now is horrible so I’m going to stop w any further detail. I spent the entire two-ish hours of pre-op absolutely terrified about this iv.
I wasn’t really keeping track of time but dr whitehead came in to do markings for surgery. They had cool rainbow socks on,big fan. Having your chest drawn on and just like, moved around n shit is such an experience. Felt bad because I kept losing my balance but doctor Whitehead is cool and I am 98% less scared about them now.
Probably my most favorite person I met during my entire hospital experience was the anesthesiologist. I know he told me what his name was but I couldn’t focus on or retain information at the time. He told me we could essentially put me to sleep with gas before putting the iv in and for the first time in probably a solid week I felt like I could calm down a little. He took a look at my hand and arm to check my veins which always does freak me out a bit but I’m more used to that kind of thing at this point and I know nothing bad is going to happen. One of the nurses came in with the iv equipment and he let her know that were going to wait till in the or which was also incredibly helpful because I absolutely panicked when I saw that little supply kit again.
V nice lady brought me into the or, I’d never been in one before it was cool. They had a little music speaker which was really cool. Took off blue jacket gown and they helped me onto the table. They put a warm blanket over my legs and my chest to help me calm down. Before long they gave me a mask w fun happy sleepy time gas, they let me keep my arms on my chest for a while which was really nice because I was still scared. I started getting loopy pretty fast but I still heard when someone mentioned where the iv equipment was and panicked a little because of that. I remember feeling them take my hand for that but never actually felt anything happen. Just some fear but the gas was v helpful obvi. Someone said they would see me in a little bit, and then I was groggily waking up in recovery.
Recovery was a little rough bc the iv was still there (fully wrapped up so I couldn’t see it though which was rad) but I was still really anxious about it until it was taken out and when it was taken out. For anyone that struggles w this i did not feel them remove it, just the tape. Everything was mentally much easier after that. After a while, going over instructions w parents, a cracker , some ginger ale and some juice, my dad helped me Get dressed and I was helped out to the car in a wheel chair. Ride was smooth bc of remaining numbness and meds except a few Bumps in the road
TOP SURGERY GOTTEN
My post op date was scheduled for Jan 17th and that’s the day I got my drains out followed by several post op check-ins. First week of recovery was miserable but things exponentially approved each day past that, and I went back to school in person two weeks post-op with driving and item-carrying assistance from friends!
Will upload recovery notes at a later date! Feel free to message me with any questions, more than happy to answer and give info! I’m a bit over four months out from surgery now and thriving 🥳
2024.05.14 11:47 Academic_Fly_561 How can you be so confident that Islam or Christianity are successors of Judaism if in prior history there seems to be nobody that knew/expected Judaism to be succeeded by another religion?
I have read all of the arguments supporting the legitimacy of Christianity and Islam. I am not here to deny these arguments nor claim that I'm certain Islam/Christianity are false, however the bottom line is when putting all of the supporting evidence together we still need to go back and ask the simple question:
"Is all of this evidence enough for me to confidently say that Judaism was indeed succeeded by Islam/Christianity - so much so that I am willing to alter my entire life because I believe so strongly about that it succeeded Judaism"
Personally, I cannot logically understand how any believers in Christianity/Islam can say this so confidently. The bottom line is that before these religions came about there seems to be no indication amongst Jews that they were expecting Judaism to be succeeded by another religion. If this was the case then they wouldn't have had any issue with Christianity and Islam since it was part of Gods plan, and they are followers of God at their core.
And I will reiterate, I understand that Christians/Muslims often point to certain verses in the Bible/Scriptures supporting their claim of succession (e.g. Isaiah 53, Deuteronomy 18, etc.), but the bottom line is that there are multiple ways to understand these verses and in particular the Jewish interpretation in defense is also just as logical as the Christian and Muslim interpretation.
If so then how can you as a Muslim or Christian be so confident about the legitimacy of your religion?
NOTE: In anticipation of people answering me that there was such and such miracle that occurred and this is overwhelming evidence for the legitimacy of Christianity/Islam I am providing below the reasons why they don't hold much weight in my eyes when attempting to answer my core question above:
1) Perfectness of Quran - I can take a children's book and explain it in a way that logically sounds like its a perfect text straight from Gods mouth. (anything in this world can be flipped on its head to sound logical)
2) Miracles Performed - Personally I assign a believability score to information based on the number people claiming to have seen something firsthand (e.g. I often don't assign a high believability score to news events even if many people are echoing/repeating the news, so long that the source of the initial news was from a single reportejournalist). There is basis to claim that the source of the news for some of the miracles was a single source. Putting that aside though, even if Jesus/Mohammed did perform miracles I still think its a fairly big jump to say that they can now be believed in their claims of a successor religion given that the Torah outlines very clearly that performing miracles does not give one the credibility to change the Torah. Although one can argue the text should be interpreted differently nevertheless going back to what I mentioned earlier, the Jewish interpretation is also logical.
submitted by Academic_Fly_561 to Christianity [link] [comments]
"Is all of this evidence enough for me to confidently say that Judaism was indeed succeeded by Islam/Christianity - so much so that I am willing to alter my entire life because I believe so strongly about that it succeeded Judaism"
Personally, I cannot logically understand how any believers in Christianity/Islam can say this so confidently. The bottom line is that before these religions came about there seems to be no indication amongst Jews that they were expecting Judaism to be succeeded by another religion. If this was the case then they wouldn't have had any issue with Christianity and Islam since it was part of Gods plan, and they are followers of God at their core.
And I will reiterate, I understand that Christians/Muslims often point to certain verses in the Bible/Scriptures supporting their claim of succession (e.g. Isaiah 53, Deuteronomy 18, etc.), but the bottom line is that there are multiple ways to understand these verses and in particular the Jewish interpretation in defense is also just as logical as the Christian and Muslim interpretation.
If so then how can you as a Muslim or Christian be so confident about the legitimacy of your religion?
NOTE: In anticipation of people answering me that there was such and such miracle that occurred and this is overwhelming evidence for the legitimacy of Christianity/Islam I am providing below the reasons why they don't hold much weight in my eyes when attempting to answer my core question above:
1) Perfectness of Quran - I can take a children's book and explain it in a way that logically sounds like its a perfect text straight from Gods mouth. (anything in this world can be flipped on its head to sound logical)
2) Miracles Performed - Personally I assign a believability score to information based on the number people claiming to have seen something firsthand (e.g. I often don't assign a high believability score to news events even if many people are echoing/repeating the news, so long that the source of the initial news was from a single reportejournalist). There is basis to claim that the source of the news for some of the miracles was a single source. Putting that aside though, even if Jesus/Mohammed did perform miracles I still think its a fairly big jump to say that they can now be believed in their claims of a successor religion given that the Torah outlines very clearly that performing miracles does not give one the credibility to change the Torah. Although one can argue the text should be interpreted differently nevertheless going back to what I mentioned earlier, the Jewish interpretation is also logical.
2024.05.14 11:43 Academic_Fly_561 How can you be so confident that Islam or Christianity are successors of Judaism if in prior history there seems to be nobody that knew/expected Judaism to be succeeded by another religion?
I have read all of the arguments supporting the legitimacy of Christianity and Islam. I am not here to deny these arguments nor claim that I'm certain Islam/Christianity are false, however the bottom line is when putting all of the supporting evidence together we still need to go back and ask the simple question:
"Is all of this evidence enough for me to confidently say that Judaism was indeed succeeded by Islam/Christianity - so much so that I am willing to alter my entire life because I believe so strongly about that it succeeded Judaism"
Personally, I cannot logically understand how any believers in Christianity/Islam can say this so confidently. The bottom line is that before these religions came about there seems to be no indication amongst Jews that they were expecting Judaism to be succeeded by another religion. If this was the case then they wouldn't have had any issue with Christianity and Islam since it was part of Gods plan, and they are followers of God at their core.
And I will reiterate, I understand that Christians/Muslims often point to certain verses in the Bible/Scriptures supporting their claim of succession (e.g. Isaiah 53, Deuteronomy 18, etc.), but the bottom line is that there are multiple ways to understand these verses and in particular the Jewish interpretation in defense is also just as logical as the Christian and Muslim interpretation.
If so then how can you as a Muslim or Christian be so confident about the legitimacy of your religion?
NOTE: In anticipation of people answering me that there was such and such miracle that occurred and this is overwhelming evidence for the legitimacy of Christianity/Islam I am providing below the reasons why they don't hold much weight in my eyes when attempting to answer my core question above:
1) Perfectness of Quran - I can take a children's book and explain it in a way that logically sounds like its a perfect text straight from Gods mouth. (anything in this world can be flipped on its head to sound logical)
2) Miracles Performed - Personally I assign a believability score to information based on the number people claiming to have seen something firsthand (e.g. I often don't assign a high believability score to news events even if many people are echoing/repeating the news, so long that the source of the initial news was from a single reportejournalist). There is basis to claim that the source of the news for some of the miracles was a single source. Putting that aside though, even if Jesus/Mohammed did perform miracles I still think its a fairly big jump to say that they can now be believed in their claims of a successor religion given that the Torah outlines very clearly that performing miracles does not give one the credibility to change the Torah. Although one can argue the text should be interpreted differently nevertheless going back to what I mentioned earlier, the Jewish interpretation is also logical.
submitted by Academic_Fly_561 to islam [link] [comments]
"Is all of this evidence enough for me to confidently say that Judaism was indeed succeeded by Islam/Christianity - so much so that I am willing to alter my entire life because I believe so strongly about that it succeeded Judaism"
Personally, I cannot logically understand how any believers in Christianity/Islam can say this so confidently. The bottom line is that before these religions came about there seems to be no indication amongst Jews that they were expecting Judaism to be succeeded by another religion. If this was the case then they wouldn't have had any issue with Christianity and Islam since it was part of Gods plan, and they are followers of God at their core.
And I will reiterate, I understand that Christians/Muslims often point to certain verses in the Bible/Scriptures supporting their claim of succession (e.g. Isaiah 53, Deuteronomy 18, etc.), but the bottom line is that there are multiple ways to understand these verses and in particular the Jewish interpretation in defense is also just as logical as the Christian and Muslim interpretation.
If so then how can you as a Muslim or Christian be so confident about the legitimacy of your religion?
NOTE: In anticipation of people answering me that there was such and such miracle that occurred and this is overwhelming evidence for the legitimacy of Christianity/Islam I am providing below the reasons why they don't hold much weight in my eyes when attempting to answer my core question above:
1) Perfectness of Quran - I can take a children's book and explain it in a way that logically sounds like its a perfect text straight from Gods mouth. (anything in this world can be flipped on its head to sound logical)
2) Miracles Performed - Personally I assign a believability score to information based on the number people claiming to have seen something firsthand (e.g. I often don't assign a high believability score to news events even if many people are echoing/repeating the news, so long that the source of the initial news was from a single reportejournalist). There is basis to claim that the source of the news for some of the miracles was a single source. Putting that aside though, even if Jesus/Mohammed did perform miracles I still think its a fairly big jump to say that they can now be believed in their claims of a successor religion given that the Torah outlines very clearly that performing miracles does not give one the credibility to change the Torah. Although one can argue the text should be interpreted differently nevertheless going back to what I mentioned earlier, the Jewish interpretation is also logical.
2024.05.14 11:42 Pussybones420 When to go to the hospital for bladder pain?
Hello
25F, 130lbs, 5’10”, no tobacco, MMJ user, hydrocodone and oxyxodone as needed, cyclobenzaprine, protonix
If you read this thank you so much because I’m absolutely desperate and my doctors are tired of me and I think they think I only want pain meds. I don’t, I just want to feel better. I have a huge stash of emergency oxycodone anyway so I barely even need them for that.
On 12/15 I fell down the stairs and hit the lower of my middle back quite hard. 12/19 I had a LEEP done, 01/06 I came down with extreme urinary issues and between then and now have been back 6 times, seen 4 specialists and have seen my PCP at least ten times for urine samples. I’ve also only been able to attend my full time job for 43 days so far this year and have no more money for copays and if it weren’t for my ADA paperwork, I’d have been fired a long time ago
Over the last two weeks, it’s been taking me up to two hours to produce urine while having a full (and very sore - mostly left side) bladder. This is infuriating. When I do end up finally feeling the need to release, I have less than 3 minutes to get to a restroom before my vision starts going spotty from the bladder pressure pain.
My urologist ordered a cystoscopy, but has been blaming my 3mm kidney stone until I begged for an ultrasound last month of my bladder. Found bladder wall thickening and bladder cyst / possible urachal remnant.
I found out what Cuada equina is today. I learned that it is very very commonly missed. I can barely walk, and at the music festival I went to over the weekend I had to use ADA for just about everything. I look completely normal so I got judged pretty hard, but I do have paperwork. I have been losing weight without much diet change and my back has been killing me as well. I feel so weak. My urine flow is so small compared to what it used to be. I had a period of time where the pain was so bad, I couldn’t feel my clitoris or labia at all so sex was pointless as well, and I thought I’d lose my relationship and be alone forever. They send me to an OB-Oncologist who said not to come back, which is why my urologist finally agreed to check my bladder.
Is it possible that all my issues are related to the cyst and thickening, or could this be cuada equina that was missed on multiple CT’s? I can’t find info on bladder cysts. using retention. When is the appropriate time to go to the hospital? I can barely walk without pain meds. I urinated about 40 times on Saturday, with my usual being 10-20 times, and some days there’s very little pain or urgency at all, but the retention is almost always there to some extent.
It almost feels like the part of my brain that controls my bladder doesn’t work anymore because no matter how hard I tell my bladder to release, it just doesn’t happen sometimes and I can’t get comfortable after that. I’ve slept a total of 4 hours since Saturday morning and I only have one hydrocodone left. Pyridium does NOTHING except for when burning pain presents, and I can’t take NSAIDS until my GI clears me due to extreme gas, constipation and bloating / belching thought to be caused by peptic ulcers. I can’t walk at this point without pain meds, but the ER always releases me with the same DX of cyst and bladder wall thickening and tells me they have no clue what that means. But I’m in so much pain I feel like there has to be something they can do other than give me fluids and monitor me for an hour or two until I can get to my cystoscopy next week.
If you have any advice for me I really appreciate it. I don’t want to die but I feel the only way out of lifelong urinary pain after 6 months now is suicide. The only time suicide doesn’t cross my mind a couple times is when I do end up having to take a pain pill. In March, I had to take oxy every day. I only take them now when I can’t walk because the effects are too strong for me to keep my life in order while taking them every day. But this weekend I have had the most trouble walking, and using the restroom, since all of these issues began.
I can’t afford any more specialists visits after my procedure, so I really wish the ER could do something for me as they’re the only ones who won’t turn me away for not having money at this point. My GI doc actually canceled my appointment because I don’t have $20 and I’ve been putting off another ultrasound because it’s $200 up front. IDK what to do but I’m pretty sure this is how a lot of people end up on fent and heroin - if I had been denied pain meds this far I would have turned to the streets, and that’s coming from someone who has chosen - on their own - to quit most drug related and extracurricular activities to better their life at a young age and is much happier for it.
I can’t even get the ER to catheterize me when I can’t urinate for 6+ hours at a time. What gives? Why won’t they run a different imaging test? They wouldn’t even give me a breath test for h pylori recently and now I’m waiting a month for an appointment I can’t even afford.
TL;DR extreme bladder pain, nobody understands why, extreme difficulty urinating, ER can’t do anything for me and awaiting surgery. Is there anything I can say or do to get proper medical attention or can the ER really not touch your bladder like they say? Is there a way I can convince them to admit me so I could see a urologist before my procedure? My urologist is unavailable until my follow-up and I don’t think the company they work for allows them to Rx narcotics and I’m against taking more than 1 oxycodone a week at this point but so far have been unsuccessful in getting something weaker like hydro or tramadol.
submitted by Pussybones420 to AskDocs [link] [comments]
25F, 130lbs, 5’10”, no tobacco, MMJ user, hydrocodone and oxyxodone as needed, cyclobenzaprine, protonix
If you read this thank you so much because I’m absolutely desperate and my doctors are tired of me and I think they think I only want pain meds. I don’t, I just want to feel better. I have a huge stash of emergency oxycodone anyway so I barely even need them for that.
On 12/15 I fell down the stairs and hit the lower of my middle back quite hard. 12/19 I had a LEEP done, 01/06 I came down with extreme urinary issues and between then and now have been back 6 times, seen 4 specialists and have seen my PCP at least ten times for urine samples. I’ve also only been able to attend my full time job for 43 days so far this year and have no more money for copays and if it weren’t for my ADA paperwork, I’d have been fired a long time ago
Over the last two weeks, it’s been taking me up to two hours to produce urine while having a full (and very sore - mostly left side) bladder. This is infuriating. When I do end up finally feeling the need to release, I have less than 3 minutes to get to a restroom before my vision starts going spotty from the bladder pressure pain.
My urologist ordered a cystoscopy, but has been blaming my 3mm kidney stone until I begged for an ultrasound last month of my bladder. Found bladder wall thickening and bladder cyst / possible urachal remnant.
I found out what Cuada equina is today. I learned that it is very very commonly missed. I can barely walk, and at the music festival I went to over the weekend I had to use ADA for just about everything. I look completely normal so I got judged pretty hard, but I do have paperwork. I have been losing weight without much diet change and my back has been killing me as well. I feel so weak. My urine flow is so small compared to what it used to be. I had a period of time where the pain was so bad, I couldn’t feel my clitoris or labia at all so sex was pointless as well, and I thought I’d lose my relationship and be alone forever. They send me to an OB-Oncologist who said not to come back, which is why my urologist finally agreed to check my bladder.
Is it possible that all my issues are related to the cyst and thickening, or could this be cuada equina that was missed on multiple CT’s? I can’t find info on bladder cysts. using retention. When is the appropriate time to go to the hospital? I can barely walk without pain meds. I urinated about 40 times on Saturday, with my usual being 10-20 times, and some days there’s very little pain or urgency at all, but the retention is almost always there to some extent.
It almost feels like the part of my brain that controls my bladder doesn’t work anymore because no matter how hard I tell my bladder to release, it just doesn’t happen sometimes and I can’t get comfortable after that. I’ve slept a total of 4 hours since Saturday morning and I only have one hydrocodone left. Pyridium does NOTHING except for when burning pain presents, and I can’t take NSAIDS until my GI clears me due to extreme gas, constipation and bloating / belching thought to be caused by peptic ulcers. I can’t walk at this point without pain meds, but the ER always releases me with the same DX of cyst and bladder wall thickening and tells me they have no clue what that means. But I’m in so much pain I feel like there has to be something they can do other than give me fluids and monitor me for an hour or two until I can get to my cystoscopy next week.
If you have any advice for me I really appreciate it. I don’t want to die but I feel the only way out of lifelong urinary pain after 6 months now is suicide. The only time suicide doesn’t cross my mind a couple times is when I do end up having to take a pain pill. In March, I had to take oxy every day. I only take them now when I can’t walk because the effects are too strong for me to keep my life in order while taking them every day. But this weekend I have had the most trouble walking, and using the restroom, since all of these issues began.
I can’t afford any more specialists visits after my procedure, so I really wish the ER could do something for me as they’re the only ones who won’t turn me away for not having money at this point. My GI doc actually canceled my appointment because I don’t have $20 and I’ve been putting off another ultrasound because it’s $200 up front. IDK what to do but I’m pretty sure this is how a lot of people end up on fent and heroin - if I had been denied pain meds this far I would have turned to the streets, and that’s coming from someone who has chosen - on their own - to quit most drug related and extracurricular activities to better their life at a young age and is much happier for it.
I can’t even get the ER to catheterize me when I can’t urinate for 6+ hours at a time. What gives? Why won’t they run a different imaging test? They wouldn’t even give me a breath test for h pylori recently and now I’m waiting a month for an appointment I can’t even afford.
TL;DR extreme bladder pain, nobody understands why, extreme difficulty urinating, ER can’t do anything for me and awaiting surgery. Is there anything I can say or do to get proper medical attention or can the ER really not touch your bladder like they say? Is there a way I can convince them to admit me so I could see a urologist before my procedure? My urologist is unavailable until my follow-up and I don’t think the company they work for allows them to Rx narcotics and I’m against taking more than 1 oxycodone a week at this point but so far have been unsuccessful in getting something weaker like hydro or tramadol.
2024.05.14 11:37 SenselessRaccoon Stuck in a hole without a ladder, need advice
Hello, I'm 24 M, and I am stuck in life and don't know how to move forward.
There is a lot of relevant backstory so sorry in advance for the book.
My father passed away when I was 3. I grew up without any quality father figure to look up to and teach me how to be a man for my family. I grew up poor and had a terrible home life riddled with abuse and hard times. Despite that, I would say I didn't turn out that bad, despite my circumstances. I have 5 siblings, of which I am the second oldest, but I usually just consider myself the oldest because my older brother is not mentally there and hasn't been for over a decade. My mother got married when I was around 17, but she just divorced my step-dad out of the blue last month and forced him out of the house. I live with my mother, younger sister, her boyfriend, youngest brother, and older brother. Around 2 months ago my older brother with some form of BPD or schizoaffective disorder started having another episode and forced his way into our house, sleeping in my room on my couch, under the guise of "us needing his help with bills" even though he doesn't pay for anything and all his money disappears as soon as he gets it. Ever since my mother divorced and my step father was forced out of the house, it has been mostly on my younger sister and I to cover the cost of everything, as we are the only ones who work. My mother has been really nasty with us, especially towards my sister and her boyfriend. My sister has been taking it badly and has gotten depressed. I have been keeping a stoic attitude and face in these trying times, and being a pillar for my younger siblings, but it is hard because there is no one for me to lean on and vent to; hence why I am here. I am stuck in a job that I can barely afford to live off of. Most days I barely eat because between paying the bills/mortgage and the cost of food now a days I can't afford it. When I do it isn't real food, mainly just ramen or some sort of frozen food. I need a car to find better employment and to escape, but can't afford to save to buy one and my bank wont give me a loan for one, because of that specific reason. My older brother is constantly having delusions and paranoia and is either constantly jumping down my throat or leaning on me for support. I mostly just go to work and let out all my emotion while there, thankfully I work overnights by myself so I don't have to worry about anyone seeing me. I don't know what to do. I was forced to grow up quick. I have always put myself last before my whole family, I sacrificed my childhood from a really early age to make sure my younger siblings had one, and in turn I now have nothing. I taught myself everything a father figure should have taught me and try to teach it to my little brother. I never had any time to develop any desirable skillset that makes me exceptionally employable. No connections or family figures that can help teach me or get a foot in the door anywhere.
I want to start my own family eventually so badly, but I have basically just became complacent with the fact that I would never amount to anything a long time ago, and I will be damned if I raise a child to be stuck in a similar or same situation I am in now. I want to move out, because I crave independence but between helping provide for my family, fearing what will happen to them if I leave and not having a very good job, it is pretty impossible. I know this is stuff that I should be telling a therapist or a life coach and not a subreddit, and I would if I could afford it, lmao.
Is there any life advice anyone that was raised in similar circumstances as me wish they knew around my age? Any advice or recomendations on how to get myself out of this hole and into a better situation would be greatly appreciated.
submitted by SenselessRaccoon to LifeAdvice [link] [comments]
There is a lot of relevant backstory so sorry in advance for the book.
My father passed away when I was 3. I grew up without any quality father figure to look up to and teach me how to be a man for my family. I grew up poor and had a terrible home life riddled with abuse and hard times. Despite that, I would say I didn't turn out that bad, despite my circumstances. I have 5 siblings, of which I am the second oldest, but I usually just consider myself the oldest because my older brother is not mentally there and hasn't been for over a decade. My mother got married when I was around 17, but she just divorced my step-dad out of the blue last month and forced him out of the house. I live with my mother, younger sister, her boyfriend, youngest brother, and older brother. Around 2 months ago my older brother with some form of BPD or schizoaffective disorder started having another episode and forced his way into our house, sleeping in my room on my couch, under the guise of "us needing his help with bills" even though he doesn't pay for anything and all his money disappears as soon as he gets it. Ever since my mother divorced and my step father was forced out of the house, it has been mostly on my younger sister and I to cover the cost of everything, as we are the only ones who work. My mother has been really nasty with us, especially towards my sister and her boyfriend. My sister has been taking it badly and has gotten depressed. I have been keeping a stoic attitude and face in these trying times, and being a pillar for my younger siblings, but it is hard because there is no one for me to lean on and vent to; hence why I am here. I am stuck in a job that I can barely afford to live off of. Most days I barely eat because between paying the bills/mortgage and the cost of food now a days I can't afford it. When I do it isn't real food, mainly just ramen or some sort of frozen food. I need a car to find better employment and to escape, but can't afford to save to buy one and my bank wont give me a loan for one, because of that specific reason. My older brother is constantly having delusions and paranoia and is either constantly jumping down my throat or leaning on me for support. I mostly just go to work and let out all my emotion while there, thankfully I work overnights by myself so I don't have to worry about anyone seeing me. I don't know what to do. I was forced to grow up quick. I have always put myself last before my whole family, I sacrificed my childhood from a really early age to make sure my younger siblings had one, and in turn I now have nothing. I taught myself everything a father figure should have taught me and try to teach it to my little brother. I never had any time to develop any desirable skillset that makes me exceptionally employable. No connections or family figures that can help teach me or get a foot in the door anywhere.
I want to start my own family eventually so badly, but I have basically just became complacent with the fact that I would never amount to anything a long time ago, and I will be damned if I raise a child to be stuck in a similar or same situation I am in now. I want to move out, because I crave independence but between helping provide for my family, fearing what will happen to them if I leave and not having a very good job, it is pretty impossible. I know this is stuff that I should be telling a therapist or a life coach and not a subreddit, and I would if I could afford it, lmao.
Is there any life advice anyone that was raised in similar circumstances as me wish they knew around my age? Any advice or recomendations on how to get myself out of this hole and into a better situation would be greatly appreciated.
2024.05.14 11:35 Ok_Value_1593 Nicole and negativity
I don't know if it's just me but Nicole completely ignores any kind of negativity even if it's her own emotions.
"Not to be a negative nelly but school has been draining": I think it's kinda weird to phrase it like this cause you're gonna call yourself a "negative nelly" for saying school is draining?? Does this girl never express her feelings??? It'ss normal to say it's draining CAUSE IT IS! But I feel like to Nicole she always thinks she can't express any negative feelings cause "everything happens for a reason" and "it's God's plan" but it's so hard to relate to her when she never talks anything real about mental health.
Like I feel like to her she always ignores it and tries to lighten the situation for mental health but like does she not know she's allowed to express negative feelings? Does she just bottle everything up and expect everything to go well?
Because she does this, I've always felt something off in her videos. I've never been able to put my finger on it but I feel like something is off. Like she's not being real/not saying something important. I guess you could say maybe it's because her videos are surface level but I just feel like there's something wrong.
I know her whole thing is spreading positivity but would it kill her to be realistic about mental health? Like it's ok to say school is draining when it literally is. She does have it easier by only having 5 hours of school when some people in certain countries literally eat dinner at school but still.
It just annoys me when she pretends like negative emotions aren't a thing and she just ignores everything bad like sometimes we have to acknowledge it for it to work out. Like if you have depression you have to treat it and can't just ignore it. Sure she probably doesn't have depression or any mental health illnesses but her videos just feel surface level because I feel like she isn't telling her viewers something. I dont expect her to be 100% honest with her viewers but i just feel like there is something missing.
Sure sometimes she talks about herself crying but most of the time it's because of math. Which by the way posting pictures or videos of yourself crying is a bit weird but whatever. She said she likes doing it...
It just bothers me at how much Nicole ignores any kind of negative emotions of her own because she feels like she has to be grateful for her life which I get but you can STILL express negative feelings because bottling them up won't do you any good in the future. Besides, she's the one who built her life and gave her parents a more luxurious lifestyle so if anything her parents should feel a little grateful to Nicole LMAO. I know her parents did a lot but Nicole gave them a new house, luxury handbags, a renovated pool, a shit ton of vacations, Linda literally doesn't even have to work because Nicole makes enough.
submitted by Ok_Value_1593 to NicoleLaeno_ [link] [comments]
"Not to be a negative nelly but school has been draining": I think it's kinda weird to phrase it like this cause you're gonna call yourself a "negative nelly" for saying school is draining?? Does this girl never express her feelings??? It'ss normal to say it's draining CAUSE IT IS! But I feel like to Nicole she always thinks she can't express any negative feelings cause "everything happens for a reason" and "it's God's plan" but it's so hard to relate to her when she never talks anything real about mental health.
Like I feel like to her she always ignores it and tries to lighten the situation for mental health but like does she not know she's allowed to express negative feelings? Does she just bottle everything up and expect everything to go well?
Because she does this, I've always felt something off in her videos. I've never been able to put my finger on it but I feel like something is off. Like she's not being real/not saying something important. I guess you could say maybe it's because her videos are surface level but I just feel like there's something wrong.
I know her whole thing is spreading positivity but would it kill her to be realistic about mental health? Like it's ok to say school is draining when it literally is. She does have it easier by only having 5 hours of school when some people in certain countries literally eat dinner at school but still.
It just annoys me when she pretends like negative emotions aren't a thing and she just ignores everything bad like sometimes we have to acknowledge it for it to work out. Like if you have depression you have to treat it and can't just ignore it. Sure she probably doesn't have depression or any mental health illnesses but her videos just feel surface level because I feel like she isn't telling her viewers something. I dont expect her to be 100% honest with her viewers but i just feel like there is something missing.
Sure sometimes she talks about herself crying but most of the time it's because of math. Which by the way posting pictures or videos of yourself crying is a bit weird but whatever. She said she likes doing it...
It just bothers me at how much Nicole ignores any kind of negative emotions of her own because she feels like she has to be grateful for her life which I get but you can STILL express negative feelings because bottling them up won't do you any good in the future. Besides, she's the one who built her life and gave her parents a more luxurious lifestyle so if anything her parents should feel a little grateful to Nicole LMAO. I know her parents did a lot but Nicole gave them a new house, luxury handbags, a renovated pool, a shit ton of vacations, Linda literally doesn't even have to work because Nicole makes enough.
2024.05.14 11:33 IP_FiNaR EcoPlus as "chiller water supply for summer shower" bad idea? anybody?
 | Hello, submitted by IP_FiNaR to watercooling [link] [comments] it might be a bit off topic, but I would need your help/support here... I live in a very hot country and I need to cool down the shower in summer... "cold tap" water in summer get easily above 40 degree Celsius (104 F). being a rental property, I do not want to spend money in something I will not own.. therefore I was think to get a cold plunge chiller (EcoPlus 1.5 HP) to "supply cold water to the shower and eventually still use it for the cold plunge as well... the idea is to leave the EcoPlus outside, and get a little mixetap to the shower, where I will get the water from the chiller into the shower hose (eventually mixed with "hot water" to regulate the final temperature).... Does it make sense? it is a stupid idea? Also I could deviate the water and have a coldplunge outdoor as well!! (two at the price of one!!! LOL) any idea/concern on this setting? can the EcoPlus work if the input i just a standard water pipe? (I am unsure, but I think that it is supposed to work in "cycle.... water "in" comes form the same source as the water "out"... I get the water from the cooling plunge and then I put it back there,....) how many meters/feet could I run the pipes/lines from the chiller? (to go to the outdoor plunge it will be about 8 meters.... Thank oyu all in advance! https://preview.redd.it/jajdf3nl2d0d1.png?width=1067&format=png&auto=webp&s=98c8fa0202ac9175aac5841e0acf9084d1964477 |
2024.05.14 11:32 shaneka69 Get A Tarot Reading Today! ALL READINGS SENT SAME DAY THEY ARE BOOKED
Tarot Reader since 2017 who has fully mastered in depth readings to bring true insight to the energies and circumstances you are dealing with, with the use of Oracle and Astrology as well. Shaneka's Services And Contact Linktree
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2024.05.14 11:31 LesleyFair Why GPT-4 Is 100x Smaller Than People Think
 | submitted by LesleyFair to learnmachinelearning [link] [comments] GPT-4 Size Since before the release of GPT-4, the rumor mill has been buzzing. People predicted and are still claiming the model has 100 trillion parameters. That's a trillion with a "t". The often-used graphic above makes GPT-3 look like a cute little breadcrumb, which is about to have a live-ending encounter with a bowling ball Sure, OpenAI's new brainchild certainly is mind-bending. And language models have been getting bigger - fast! But this time is different and it provides a good opportunity to look at the research on scaling large language models (LLMs). Let's go! Training 100 Trillion ParametersThe creation of GPT-3 was a marvelous feat of engineering. The training was done on 1024 GPUs, took 34 days, and cost $4.6M in compute alone [1].Training a 100T parameter model on the same data, using 10000 GPUs, would take 53 Years. However, to avoid overfitting such a huge model requires a much(!) larger dataset. This is of course napkin math but it is directionally correct. So, where did this rumor come from? The Source Of The Rumor:It turns out OpenAI itself might be the source.In August 2021 the CEO of Cerebras told wired: "From talking to OpenAI, GPT-4 will be about 100 trillion parameters". At the time, this was most likely what they believed. But that was back in 2021. So, basically forever ago when machine learning research is concerned. Things have changed a lot since then! To what has happened we first need to look at how people actually decide the number of parameters in a model. Deciding The Number Of Parameters:The enormous hunger for resources typically makes it feasible to train an LLM only once.In practice, the available compute budget is known in advance. The engineers know that e.g. their budget is $5M. This will buy them 1000 GPUs for six weeks on the compute cluster. So, before the training is started the engineers need to accurately predict which hyperparameters will result in the best model. But there's a catch! Most research on neural networks is empirical. People typically run hundreds or even thousands of training experiments until they find a good model with the right hyperparameters. With LLMs we cannot do that. Training 200 GPT-3 models would set you back roughly a billion dollars. Not even the deep-pocketed tech giants can spend this sort of money. Therefore, researchers need to work with what they have. They can investigate the few big models that have been trained. Or, they can train smaller models of varying sizes hoping to learn something about how big models will behave during training. This process can be very noisy and the community's understanding has evolved a lot over the last few years. What People Used To Think About Scaling LLMsIn 2020, a team of researchers from OpenAI released a paper called: "Scaling Laws For Neural Language Models".They observed a predictable decrease in training loss when increasing the model size over multiple orders of magnitude. So far so good. However, they made two other observations, which resulted in the model size ballooning rapidly.
And that is what people did. The models got larger and larger with GPT-3 (175B), Gopher (280B), Megatron-Turing NLG (530B) just to name a few. But the bigger models failed to deliver on the promise. Read on to learn why! What We Know About Scaling Models TodayTurns out, you need to scale training sets and models in equal proportions. So, every time the model size doubles, the number of training tokens should double as well.This was published in DeepMind's 2022 paper: "Training Compute-Optimal Large Language Models" The researchers fitted over 400 language models ranging from 70M to over 16B parameters. To assess the impact of dataset size they also varied the number of training tokens from 5B-500B tokens. The findings allowed them to estimate that a compute-optimal version of GPT-3 (175B) should be trained on roughly 3.7T tokens. That is more than 10x the data that the original model was trained on. To verify their results they trained a fairly small model on lots of data. Their model, called Chinchilla, has 70B parameters and is trained on 1.4T tokens. Hence it is 2.5x smaller than GPT-3 but trained on almost 5x the data. Chinchilla outperforms GPT-3 and other much larger models by a fair margin [3]. This was a great breakthrough! The model is not just better, but its smaller size makes inference cheaper and finetuning easier. So, we are starting to see that it would not make sense for OpenAI to build a model as huge as people predict. Let’s put a nail in the coffin of that rumor once and for all. To fit a 100T parameter model properly, open OpenAI would need a dataset of roughly 700T tokens. Given 1M GPUs and using the calculus from above, it would still take roughly 2650 years to train the model [1]. mind == blown You might be thinking: Great, I get it. The model is not that large. But tell me already! How big is GPT-4? The Size Of GPT-4:We are lucky.Details about the GPT-4 architecture recently leaked on Twitter and Pastebin. So, here is what GPT-4 looks like:
There are not enough tokens in our part of the Milky Way to build a dataset large enough for such a model. There are probably not enough tokens in the Whatever the model looks like in detail, it is amazing nonetheless. These are such exciting times to be alive! As always, I really enjoyed making this for you and I sincerely hope you found it useful! P.s. I send out a thoughtful newsletter about ML research and the data economy once a week. No Spam. No Nonsense. Click here to sign up! References:[1] D. Narayanan, M. Shoeybi, J. Casper , P. LeGresley, M. Patwary, V. Korthikanti, D. Vainbrand, P. Kashinkunti, J. Bernauer, B. Catanzaro, A. Phanishayee , M. Zaharia, Efficient Large-Scale Language Model Training on GPU Clusters Using Megatron-LM (2021), SC21[2] J. Kaplan, S. McCandlish, T. Henighan, T. B. Brown, B. Chess, R. Child,... & D. Amodei, Scaling laws for neural language models (2020), arxiv preprint [3] J. Hoffmann, S. Borgeaud, A. Mensch, E. Buchatskaya, T. Cai, E. Rutherford, D. Casas, L. Hendricks, J. Welbl, A. Clark, T. Hennigan, Training Compute-Optimal Large Language Models (2022). arXiv preprint arXiv:2203.15556. [4] S. Borgeaud, A. Mensch, J. Hoffmann, T. Cai, E. Rutherford, K. Millican, G. Driessche, J. Lespiau, B. Damoc, A. Clark, D. Casas, Improving language models by retrieving from trillions of tokens (2021). arXiv preprint arXiv:2112.04426.Vancouver |
2024.05.14 11:30 t_bor97 Fear getting worse the more I fly...
I am 26 years old, and although I was frequently flying (at least every 3 weeks) for 2 years, I can't help but notice that my anxiety before a flight never gets better, particularly when I see the weather forecast and notice high winds and/or thunderstorms are predicted.
I fully understand that this fear is irrational. I am a Mechanical Engineer by trade and have an interest in the engineering involved in aviation, which is funny because it should help alleviate some of the anxiety knowing how much effort is put into the design process, training and risk assessments etc. But on the flip side, because of my fear, I involuntarily choose to focus on what can go wrong...
Turbulence does not bother me that much, I am mostly nervous before and during ascent and when banking, as well as the approach for landing or when flying through clouds. I have also recently developed a fear for the landing itself - I was not previously scared of this until I once could tell we were going to have a hard landing on a Ryanair flight because of how fast we were approaching the runway... and it was.
I am flying this Thursday to the Netherlands, and I can see that there might be a large thunderstorm and possibly low clouds, but no wind. How do I get over this fear, knowing that I am possibly going to have to fly quite often in the future?
submitted by t_bor97 to fearofflying [link] [comments]
I fully understand that this fear is irrational. I am a Mechanical Engineer by trade and have an interest in the engineering involved in aviation, which is funny because it should help alleviate some of the anxiety knowing how much effort is put into the design process, training and risk assessments etc. But on the flip side, because of my fear, I involuntarily choose to focus on what can go wrong...
Turbulence does not bother me that much, I am mostly nervous before and during ascent and when banking, as well as the approach for landing or when flying through clouds. I have also recently developed a fear for the landing itself - I was not previously scared of this until I once could tell we were going to have a hard landing on a Ryanair flight because of how fast we were approaching the runway... and it was.
I am flying this Thursday to the Netherlands, and I can see that there might be a large thunderstorm and possibly low clouds, but no wind. How do I get over this fear, knowing that I am possibly going to have to fly quite often in the future?
2024.05.14 11:29 saviio12 What were you guys opinions on Kinkoi Golden time "true route"?
So I've just finished going through Kinkoi and it's fandisc in the last two weeks and was extremely happy with the game, I normally don't like stories that are more focused on comedy and with not many stakes in play, but I really thought that it was done incredible well and it became one of the best things I've read in a while!!
But after finishing the fandisc it got me really conflicted, I absolutely loved Rias route on Kinkoi, the ending was incredibly sad with a tinge of bitter sweetness and I thought it was all handled amazingly, and right after finishing it I already knew that there was a "what if" scenario on Golden time so it got me pretty excited to read it.
Now after reading it, I'm really conflicted on what to think because I really ended up hating "Maria's" route.
Spoiler ahead
The entire conflict that happened on the second half felt so weird to me, the idea of Ria hiding that she was pregnant and deciding on leaving for an entire year with her almost certainly knowing that she'd probably die when giving birth felt super weird, the game did talk about how Ouro would most certainly be opposed to putting her at risk and having the child but I feel like keeping it a secret and breaking the promise of "spending all of her remaining time together" felt really selfish in a way. I don't think that It would be a stretch to say that there could be a possibility of talking Ouro in to still trying to go on with the pregnancy, especially because he does value Ria's happiness over anything else in the main game's route, and keeping the child a secret, going away and spending most of the short time remaining extremely far, while also asking that after she passes Sylvie takes the role of a mother for the child when she was also keeping it all a secret from Ouro is pretty insane to wrap my head around and felt like they didn't have faith in him at all.
I wanted to see what other people thought of the route because It honestly even made me dislike some of the characters in some parts, so I was curious to see if I'm just overthinking things lol, as I said I really liked the game and it's really a shame to leave this whole thing on a low point.
There's also the fact that after finishing Muv Luv alternative (which is obviously a pretty different situation) I really started to hate the trope of "keeping the main character completely blind about something extremely important that's happening" and I though that it was done in a pretty bad way here, especially when a similar situation on the main game's route was handled much better
Sorry for the big wall of text and bad formatting, I'm normally too shy to post anywhere but I really wanted to see some other opinions about this!!
submitted by saviio12 to visualnovels [link] [comments]
But after finishing the fandisc it got me really conflicted, I absolutely loved Rias route on Kinkoi, the ending was incredibly sad with a tinge of bitter sweetness and I thought it was all handled amazingly, and right after finishing it I already knew that there was a "what if" scenario on Golden time so it got me pretty excited to read it.
Now after reading it, I'm really conflicted on what to think because I really ended up hating "Maria's" route.
Spoiler ahead
The entire conflict that happened on the second half felt so weird to me, the idea of Ria hiding that she was pregnant and deciding on leaving for an entire year with her almost certainly knowing that she'd probably die when giving birth felt super weird, the game did talk about how Ouro would most certainly be opposed to putting her at risk and having the child but I feel like keeping it a secret and breaking the promise of "spending all of her remaining time together" felt really selfish in a way. I don't think that It would be a stretch to say that there could be a possibility of talking Ouro in to still trying to go on with the pregnancy, especially because he does value Ria's happiness over anything else in the main game's route, and keeping the child a secret, going away and spending most of the short time remaining extremely far, while also asking that after she passes Sylvie takes the role of a mother for the child when she was also keeping it all a secret from Ouro is pretty insane to wrap my head around and felt like they didn't have faith in him at all.
I wanted to see what other people thought of the route because It honestly even made me dislike some of the characters in some parts, so I was curious to see if I'm just overthinking things lol, as I said I really liked the game and it's really a shame to leave this whole thing on a low point.
There's also the fact that after finishing Muv Luv alternative (which is obviously a pretty different situation) I really started to hate the trope of "keeping the main character completely blind about something extremely important that's happening" and I though that it was done in a pretty bad way here, especially when a similar situation on the main game's route was handled much better
Sorry for the big wall of text and bad formatting, I'm normally too shy to post anywhere but I really wanted to see some other opinions about this!!
2024.05.14 11:29 nuggets-and-cheese Is my (23f) boyfriend (23m) a red flag? Based on his behavior in relation to smoking weed and studies.
Hello everyone,
my english isn't that good but I hope you'll understand.
I never wanted to make this kind of post but after this morning I think I really need an opinion from people who don't know us.
So, we've been together for almost 2 years. When I first got to know him he was already studying (I think 1-2 years in) and smoking weed. A lot. I didn't mind because I was smoking, too.
Here is what bothers me the most: when he didn't pass an exam he always said "I've got 2 more tries on this one" or he would even move some exams into the future. I can understand that the stress studying puts you in can be heavy and moving exams into the future or not always passing them on the first try isn't that bad. I really understand. The problem is that when I got to know him (2 years ago) he said he will be finished in 2 years (so this year). But that isn't the case. He is passing his exams but not everyone.
The case is that he somehow mixed something up or missed something, honestly I don't know what the problem was, but he screwed something up and had to kind of change the course of his studies. It's still almost the same and it's not starting from the bottom but he had to change some courses I think.
The thing is, I told him that I think it's because he smokes too much weed. He smokes everyday at least 1-2 joints, in some phases even 2-3 or more. I cut smoking to maybe 2 times per week. The difference is, I'm working and it doesn't affect me. When I smoked much more I still passed my exams with good grades and I can go without smoking for days or even weeks, I don't need it in my live. I only smoke when I'm with him and even then not every time it's rare.
I really think the smoking is affecting him but he always said it's not because of that and once he said if I try to put myself between him and weed, it won't work. I don't even want this. He can smoke, but maybe he is the kind of person that can't do both? You know, like smoking weed and still doing your business - both won't work out for some people I guess.
He works besides University and never misses a work day, just to mention.
It just bothers me so much that there is like no end for his studying, he says next year he's finished but I don't know. He smokes before we eat, he smokes before an event and if I point it out he says "that's how you got to know me".... am I overreacting or is there an honest problem? This morning he slept in again and missed his course. He rarely goes to the university he does it from home or sometimes online but I don't think that's normal? He even smokes when he's in university ... if he goes.
Another thing is that he drove when he smoked. He always said he can do it but I hated it. It still affects your mind and vision.... even if it was 2 hours ago.
I don't know what to do. I enjoy smoking too but I can say that I don't need it and I am still able to go to work or whatever. (I don't smoke before work I just mean that it doesn't affect me the next day or so).
I honestly can't stand it anymore, I don't know what to think about all this. I'm afraid that I'm ignoring warning signs in relation to his smoking behavior. Why do you need to smoke before every thing you're going to do? Almost everything...
submitted by nuggets-and-cheese to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
my english isn't that good but I hope you'll understand.
I never wanted to make this kind of post but after this morning I think I really need an opinion from people who don't know us.
So, we've been together for almost 2 years. When I first got to know him he was already studying (I think 1-2 years in) and smoking weed. A lot. I didn't mind because I was smoking, too.
Here is what bothers me the most: when he didn't pass an exam he always said "I've got 2 more tries on this one" or he would even move some exams into the future. I can understand that the stress studying puts you in can be heavy and moving exams into the future or not always passing them on the first try isn't that bad. I really understand. The problem is that when I got to know him (2 years ago) he said he will be finished in 2 years (so this year). But that isn't the case. He is passing his exams but not everyone.
The case is that he somehow mixed something up or missed something, honestly I don't know what the problem was, but he screwed something up and had to kind of change the course of his studies. It's still almost the same and it's not starting from the bottom but he had to change some courses I think.
The thing is, I told him that I think it's because he smokes too much weed. He smokes everyday at least 1-2 joints, in some phases even 2-3 or more. I cut smoking to maybe 2 times per week. The difference is, I'm working and it doesn't affect me. When I smoked much more I still passed my exams with good grades and I can go without smoking for days or even weeks, I don't need it in my live. I only smoke when I'm with him and even then not every time it's rare.
I really think the smoking is affecting him but he always said it's not because of that and once he said if I try to put myself between him and weed, it won't work. I don't even want this. He can smoke, but maybe he is the kind of person that can't do both? You know, like smoking weed and still doing your business - both won't work out for some people I guess.
He works besides University and never misses a work day, just to mention.
It just bothers me so much that there is like no end for his studying, he says next year he's finished but I don't know. He smokes before we eat, he smokes before an event and if I point it out he says "that's how you got to know me".... am I overreacting or is there an honest problem? This morning he slept in again and missed his course. He rarely goes to the university he does it from home or sometimes online but I don't think that's normal? He even smokes when he's in university ... if he goes.
Another thing is that he drove when he smoked. He always said he can do it but I hated it. It still affects your mind and vision.... even if it was 2 hours ago.
I don't know what to do. I enjoy smoking too but I can say that I don't need it and I am still able to go to work or whatever. (I don't smoke before work I just mean that it doesn't affect me the next day or so).
I honestly can't stand it anymore, I don't know what to think about all this. I'm afraid that I'm ignoring warning signs in relation to his smoking behavior. Why do you need to smoke before every thing you're going to do? Almost everything...
2024.05.14 11:20 WolfMaster1997 My systematic approach to high-value B2B lead and deal generation / GTM.
In this post I want to break down how I think about and how I build custom B2B lead gen eco-systems that are designed to engage a cold prospect, educate and help them to then turn into $XX,XXX deals.
I'll share the metrics and best practices from my own experiences from working with around 20 b2b companies with varying deal sizes, starting from $5k marketing packages, to $90k/yr fintech solutions and $200k software dev & IT deals. If you don't agree with my approach, that's fine, there's multiple ways to skin a cat.
Fundamentals are mostly the same and we can split it in 3 main parts.
That might look like cold emailing and cold "linkedining" (new term) prospects an offer or asking if they're interested in this and that, on the spot.
This is not a good approach for one simple reason - no one want's to be sold to. Not to say that this direct approach doesn't work, for some it works good enough to stay afloat, but it's not something you can use to drive real, inbound interest in your services. Selling to prospects that you get on a sales call from 1 email or DM is extremely hard since you have to do the heavy lifting to educate them on the call and then you also have to sell them.
My goal is to turn this dynamic on it's head. Yes, we want to reach out to cold prospects. Yes, we want to run ads. But not to sell immediately. Rather, we're inviting and getting those prospects into our ecosystem where if they go through your educational materials like reports, case studies, how-to's AND have a real pain, they will come to you to solve it.
Let's break it down.
Traffic acquisition.
There's 2 channels I use to acquire traffic. Sometimes I use both, sometimes one or the other. For the most part that depends on the TAM and what we're selling.
1 - Paid ads (LI and META) are great if you need volume and your deal size varies between $5k - $20k. If you get it right, it's a system that scales easily so you can control demand and growth fairly easily too. It's also very quick and easy to troubleshoot since you can change a variable and see the result in next 3 days.
The ultimate goal of paid ads is to get as many people in your funnel as possible. The only logical way to do it is using lead magnets. Industry specific reports with unique insights that only your ICP would care about, easy-to-code tools that only your ICP would find useful (calculators work great for me), guides and courses made to solve a very specific problem, you get the picture.
We're giving away this free value in exchange for their email address. I can already hear people yelling "But giving away stuff for free only attracts freebie seekers" That's because you don't have a mechanism in place to convert that opt-in into a deal. (I'll go into in the next sections)
To make a great lead magnet I follow this mantra:
For us, around 20% of lead magnet leads opt-in into the next step of the funnel where we ask much more details. Company name, website, name, phone, etc, etc.
Do this step right and you'll get leads from your ICP opting into your funnel in droves, for cheap.
One little hack I do whenever I launch lead magnet campaigns is create 5-10 lead magnet ideas, create the ads and the landing pages, but don't create the lead magnet itself. Then run ads to those 5-10 lead magnets and see what your cost per lead is AND see what quality leads you attract. My baseline KPI's are sub $15 CPL on the initial launch and 3 out of 10 leads be real, actual companies that fit the ICP.
If you hit that initially, you can reiterate on the ads and the LP and get your CPL way lower.
2 - Cold outreach (LI and email) is great if you're after high ticket or enterprise level deals.
Cold outreach is great for huge target markets and/or very high value accounts. You won't reach Elon Mush through ads, but you could through cold outreach.
Instead of blanket-spamming 10k leads that might or might not need our service we do this.
"Hey Adam, saw that Houberz is looking for an engineer with deep understanding of X. I know first hand how hard it is to fill such roles.
I have a case study on how we did Y using X technology, thought you might be interested in giving it a quick read before you pull someone onboard."
This is the general gist of it. Combine it with reaching out to leads that are likely in-market and you'll average 15% reply rates. Blast 10k emails to random list and you'll get 0.5% - 1% reply rates.
That is how we get qualified traffic on the front end.
This is how we convert it into deals.
1.1 - Paid
Once you have people claiming your lead magnet, the magic happens on the thank you page. I've seen many people just have a generic thank you page that does not prompt the next action.
Wasted digital real estate.
Instead of leaving it blank, we either have a call booking page where we pitch a non-sales call that would help fix the lead a specific problem or a signup page for a live workshop.
2nd has higher opt-in rate, but has longer time-to-deal, 1st gives you 1-1 time with high value prospects, but is more expensive..
Ideally, run both. Best of both worlds.
On top of that, when someone opts in and claims your lead magnets, you can then email them on a regular basis as part of your newsletter which gives you another channel to nurture leads and throw offers their way.
2.1 - Cold outreach
As soon as you receive a positive response to your lead magnet offer, you send it over, find that person on LI and connect (so you have another channel and they see that you're a real human) then ask if they're struggling with a specific problem that your service can fix.
If they do, great, share more case studies, share how they could solve the problem themselves and then soft-pitch a meeting in which you propose to "continue the conversation"
For cold, each convo will be different so you will have to come up with helpful and relevant email responses on the fly.
Remember speed-to-lead. The faster you answer, the higher the chance of you pushing the lead to the next step of your funnel.
So do you need both of these acquisition channels? Do you also need to post on Linkedin and dance on Tiktok?
Depends on your business. Generally, the more eyes you have on you, the more deals you'll close. These two channels are foundation for myself and any business I consult, but to supplement that and build credibility, we're also heavily investing in LI organic.
Why? People who watch your ads and engage with your emails will check out your LI eventually. If it's barren, you won't leave an impression. If it's packed with valuable, funny, insightful and humanizing posts, not only your leads will connect with you, but they'll feel compelled to engage.
So it's not one system or another - it's all of them working in cohesion.
Thanks for coming to my ted talk.
submitted by WolfMaster1997 to Entrepreneur [link] [comments]
I'll share the metrics and best practices from my own experiences from working with around 20 b2b companies with varying deal sizes, starting from $5k marketing packages, to $90k/yr fintech solutions and $200k software dev & IT deals. If you don't agree with my approach, that's fine, there's multiple ways to skin a cat.
Fundamentals are mostly the same and we can split it in 3 main parts.
- Traffic acquisition
- Nurture & education mechanism
- Conversion mechanism.
That might look like cold emailing and cold "linkedining" (new term) prospects an offer or asking if they're interested in this and that, on the spot.
This is not a good approach for one simple reason - no one want's to be sold to. Not to say that this direct approach doesn't work, for some it works good enough to stay afloat, but it's not something you can use to drive real, inbound interest in your services. Selling to prospects that you get on a sales call from 1 email or DM is extremely hard since you have to do the heavy lifting to educate them on the call and then you also have to sell them.
My goal is to turn this dynamic on it's head. Yes, we want to reach out to cold prospects. Yes, we want to run ads. But not to sell immediately. Rather, we're inviting and getting those prospects into our ecosystem where if they go through your educational materials like reports, case studies, how-to's AND have a real pain, they will come to you to solve it.
Let's break it down.
Traffic acquisition.
There's 2 channels I use to acquire traffic. Sometimes I use both, sometimes one or the other. For the most part that depends on the TAM and what we're selling.
1 - Paid ads (LI and META) are great if you need volume and your deal size varies between $5k - $20k. If you get it right, it's a system that scales easily so you can control demand and growth fairly easily too. It's also very quick and easy to troubleshoot since you can change a variable and see the result in next 3 days.
The ultimate goal of paid ads is to get as many people in your funnel as possible. The only logical way to do it is using lead magnets. Industry specific reports with unique insights that only your ICP would care about, easy-to-code tools that only your ICP would find useful (calculators work great for me), guides and courses made to solve a very specific problem, you get the picture.
We're giving away this free value in exchange for their email address. I can already hear people yelling "But giving away stuff for free only attracts freebie seekers" That's because you don't have a mechanism in place to convert that opt-in into a deal. (I'll go into in the next sections)
To make a great lead magnet I follow this mantra:
- Has to be industry and role specific
- Has to solve 1 painful problem for the lead
- No surface-level, bait-and-switch teasing BS. (using lead magnet as a sales page is a big no-no)
For us, around 20% of lead magnet leads opt-in into the next step of the funnel where we ask much more details. Company name, website, name, phone, etc, etc.
Do this step right and you'll get leads from your ICP opting into your funnel in droves, for cheap.
One little hack I do whenever I launch lead magnet campaigns is create 5-10 lead magnet ideas, create the ads and the landing pages, but don't create the lead magnet itself. Then run ads to those 5-10 lead magnets and see what your cost per lead is AND see what quality leads you attract. My baseline KPI's are sub $15 CPL on the initial launch and 3 out of 10 leads be real, actual companies that fit the ICP.
If you hit that initially, you can reiterate on the ads and the LP and get your CPL way lower.
2 - Cold outreach (LI and email) is great if you're after high ticket or enterprise level deals.
Cold outreach is great for huge target markets and/or very high value accounts. You won't reach Elon Mush through ads, but you could through cold outreach.
Instead of blanket-spamming 10k leads that might or might not need our service we do this.
- Score companies based on fit (we use AI for this on scale by giving it bad fit examples, medium fit examples and great fit examples while also describing why each is bad, medium or great. Then we ask to output a score from 1-10)
- For companies that score 7 or higher, look at buying signals. Recent hires, open positions, growth or decline, recent funding, featured in news (why featured in news?) and, of course, technographics.
- Companies that display positive signals AND are a fit based on scoring, we send a personalized message automatically.
"Hey Adam, saw that Houberz is looking for an engineer with deep understanding of X. I know first hand how hard it is to fill such roles.
I have a case study on how we did Y using X technology, thought you might be interested in giving it a quick read before you pull someone onboard."
This is the general gist of it. Combine it with reaching out to leads that are likely in-market and you'll average 15% reply rates. Blast 10k emails to random list and you'll get 0.5% - 1% reply rates.
That is how we get qualified traffic on the front end.
This is how we convert it into deals.
1.1 - Paid
Once you have people claiming your lead magnet, the magic happens on the thank you page. I've seen many people just have a generic thank you page that does not prompt the next action.
Wasted digital real estate.
Instead of leaving it blank, we either have a call booking page where we pitch a non-sales call that would help fix the lead a specific problem or a signup page for a live workshop.
2nd has higher opt-in rate, but has longer time-to-deal, 1st gives you 1-1 time with high value prospects, but is more expensive..
Ideally, run both. Best of both worlds.
On top of that, when someone opts in and claims your lead magnets, you can then email them on a regular basis as part of your newsletter which gives you another channel to nurture leads and throw offers their way.
2.1 - Cold outreach
As soon as you receive a positive response to your lead magnet offer, you send it over, find that person on LI and connect (so you have another channel and they see that you're a real human) then ask if they're struggling with a specific problem that your service can fix.
If they do, great, share more case studies, share how they could solve the problem themselves and then soft-pitch a meeting in which you propose to "continue the conversation"
For cold, each convo will be different so you will have to come up with helpful and relevant email responses on the fly.
Remember speed-to-lead. The faster you answer, the higher the chance of you pushing the lead to the next step of your funnel.
So do you need both of these acquisition channels? Do you also need to post on Linkedin and dance on Tiktok?
Depends on your business. Generally, the more eyes you have on you, the more deals you'll close. These two channels are foundation for myself and any business I consult, but to supplement that and build credibility, we're also heavily investing in LI organic.
Why? People who watch your ads and engage with your emails will check out your LI eventually. If it's barren, you won't leave an impression. If it's packed with valuable, funny, insightful and humanizing posts, not only your leads will connect with you, but they'll feel compelled to engage.
So it's not one system or another - it's all of them working in cohesion.
Thanks for coming to my ted talk.
2024.05.14 11:18 Hungry_Claim_4150 Am I in the wrong?
To start off with I live in a house share of 3 individuals and a dog, we are previous childhood friends. One flatmate is extremely antisocial and I am trying to figure out if I have been gaslit.
To give some context I’ve been living with my flatmates partner against my will since September 2023. Both me and my other flatmate tried to make clear we were uncomfortable about this months ago. He is extremely messy and had previously punched other men whilst drunk on more than one occasion. We gave these as reasons for us not wanting to be left alone with him in the house. Instead he was given a house key and it took months for this to be readdressed, any discussions we had were forgotten and messages we would send were ignored. In April 2024 we have been told his housing situation was “tricky” and that the flatmate in question needed him here as he was her only support system. She did not give the option of him moving out but instead told us he might be moving out in May 2024. In those 6 months we have been forced to pay his food bill for weeks (we previously had a communal food supply and had to separate and label our food because she kept feeding him without any contribution ) We have had to clean up continually for them both (both of them are very messy and often left spaces needing to be cleaned before being used.) We are told that because food is now separate bringing this up as an example of her disrespect is unacceptable. I have brought up that it is still extra labor in having to clean more often, and spend more money for cleaning products and was told that isn’t true and that they contribute fairly ( Since discussions of us feeling extremely used he has occasionally replaced coffee and toilet paper, paid bills once as of April 2024, does the dishes and occasionally does the bins) we are the ones doing most of the cleaning and always have done so this is an unfair split of labour in my opinion (the dog is also hers so we are cleaning up after 2 adults and a dog)
Neither of them have attempted to communicate over anything, my flatmates partner turned up one day with his dad and moved his things, when I told my flatmate this was not cool they laughed in my face and made a dismissive joke. Neither of them communicated to us that he had been thrown out of his previous house and would be living here. We would just find him in the house when we were under the impression we were home alone.
I realise I could have spoken to him directly, but for some reason was convinced that it would be snakey towards my flatmate to confront him and ask him why he felt so comfortable to dump his labour onto myself and my other flatmate as a 28yr old grown man, so instead everybody in the house just avoided each other with a very passive aggressive environment, in which we all participated in silent treatment. At its peak myself and the flatmate in question would be shoulder barging each other, which is very toxic and sad.
So far the reason given for him not ever cleaning up after himself was that he did not think it would be appropriate and we created a passive aggressive environment. ( We were very angry in this period, I myself even snapped on occasions where I raised my voice at my flatmate saying cruel things which I am ashamed of. This was in response to me feeling as though I was being used as a personal maid)
To give some more context to my own shitty behaviour spaces in the house were regularly left to a point of being unusable, unless we did it ourselves. This involved a months long flea infestation that was so severe you could not be in the house without being jumped on, we repeatedly tried to address this until the point we just dealt with it ourselves. I have had my TV broken when my flatmate was partying with friends which took months to even be acknowledged and not be told that it was not the right time to ask about it. Myself and my other flatmate have had to buy a separate fridge as we literally could not get our food into the houses shared fridge because we were left little space and were still having to regularly clean out others mouldy food. The dog is extremely reactive, he has anxiety and is often only given 2 or 3 short walks a week and spends the majority of his time in one bedroom, so being in the house with him means constant barking and he has been quite destructive. For months she would leave her dog whilst out partying and ignored all messages trying to bring up this forced labour.
Around this time something in me just broke, I actively tried to be petty and use a tit for tat mentality in how I treated her. This involved a lack of care for her items, refusing to do any labour for her, separating every single little thing, giving each other silent treatment. My OCD had been badly triggered after living in a flea infested house, this caused me to go into overdrive with cleaning where I would snap at any little mess. This was too much from me and it was a little controlling, but the situation was then reframed as me being “controlling” and not allowing my flatmate to ever relax in their house, rather than ever returning to the original upset of forced labour.
(I am going to give an example of a game she enjoyed playing with me here to try and explain what I feel has been done to me. She used to come over and start playfully hitting me, she would then ignore me saying no or stop, then when I blew up she would say don’t talk to me like that and frame it as me being angry and shouting at her inappropriately. I have had to address this with her and she has not played this game with me again, but I’ve seen her do it to someone else since and laugh in their face whilst visibly upsetting them, so I know they still enjoy doing it to others. Though just a silly game, this comfortability with ignoring a no and their ability to genuinely convince herself she hasn’t been given a boundary is one that bleeds into real life. )
On one occasion during an argument regarding labour I shouted at her to ‘fuck off back to neglecting your dog’ and I’m sure there were other things I probably said in an attempt to hurt her as much as I was hurting. I take zero pride in this and am deeply ashamed that I lowered myself to that behaviour. She herself belittled me in front of shared friends telling me “you never do anything for me you only do things for others you do nothing for me” over and over until I left the room. We had a huge row where she came down mid shower (as the hot water goes if multiple taps are on) whilst I was doing her dishes as the kitchen was a complete shit hole. I then told her no I’m not going to stop because i need to use my kitchen, and she told me i was disgusting for banning her from showering I told her she was disgusting for leaving the house as she did (I’m not exactly sure my exact words) she then told me “‘theres no room talking to you when ur like this”. Neither of us were right in this but I am giving it as an example of how toxic it is in the house.
A few days following this I said that if she refuses to discuss anything when she is leaving the house unusable for others and her partner is freeloading that I would report her to the landlord (I am not working on logic at this time but because I have been in fight or flight for months) she then told me it was disgusting to threaten her with homelessness and that she would never do something like that to me. I did not mean it as an intimidation tactic or maybe I did I’m not sure, it’s hard to think logically after being ignored over months.
After the threat I made to contact the landlord we discussed all of this, some of which she acknowledged, we both made an effort to apologise. However she tried to diminish the labour her and her partner purposefully used us for, would not give specifics about him moving out, and refused to apologise for belittling telling me she did not remember and it is not something she would ever say so she doesn’t know what I expect her to do. They told me I was not paying extra or doing more labour with an additional person living here. They have since cleaned the garden of bags of shit and dirty underwear that were left out for months, and made small efforts to be cleaner. However most of the house labour still falls onto us. (Some more context they very recently were injured and no longer can clean right now. This I understand completely however I would be lying if I didn’t feel burdened and obligated to now have to do that labour, or to help them with basic tasks when I can barely look at them without feeling sick, also I am still doing labour for her partner).
We have tried to meet her on every level for a very long time, previously we have had discussions about asking her when she is free rather than just dropping things on her, using a house chat, using a cleaning chart. We have tried to compromise and she has ignored all of these after agreeing to them. When I have gone to ask if she is free I have had her snap ‘what now’ I have seen her roll her eyes to others regarding a cleaning chart she agreed to because others were tired of cleaning for her, ignored all messages in the house chat.
My property has been repeatedly damaged or not taken care of as has others. I’ve had to spend over £100 easily. I am so tired of being ignored, laughed at or given no response at all to continual lack of consideration for others and their boundaries. My reactivity does need to be worked on, yes. However theres only so far people can be pushed before they snap, and I’m terrified that I’m going to break again.
When I’ve discussed this with others who have lived with her to see if they noticed this pattern of behaviour they knew exactly what I was talking about, which worries me.
To sum up I do not feel safe in this house, my back is permanently against the wall as I am just waiting for the next boundary violation at this point. This has already happened in truth as we recently received a letter saying we were overdue for council tax which threatened court if not paid off, I paid off mine and I didn’t bother to ask my flatmate to send over the remaining owed money as I am fed up of having all communication ignored and did not want to wait for her to be bothered to send me the money. If there is something that needs her attention you often need to ask for it to be done over and over which again is labour in the first place. As far as I’m aware this bill is still overdue as I have been completely ignored regarding it.
I do not think she truly realises that she has deeply traumatised myself and my flatmate through giving us no autonomy over who lives in this house or leaving us to care for her dog. My OCD is still pretty bad and being in this house or around her makes my skin crawl. So I guess I am wondering if I have been gaslit? Taking my own toxic behaviour into account I do not know whether I can criticise her or if I am being hypocritical in labelling her as toxic. My memory is too foggy to remember a lot of what has actually happened, but I have this of strong feeling of disillusionment that will not leave. I am stuck in this house until October 2024, and I am trying to just get on with it, but I can’t stop obsessing over what has happened, sometimes it’s all I can think about. I feel too guilty or snakey to contact the landlord as she is a longtime friend and I am afraid she will badmouth me to others if I do so. She is my childhood friend and everything in me is telling me that this isn’t how a friend should treat you. I am desperate to be free of this situation but we have been friends since childhood and she is currently injured and also experiencing a bereavement so I feel obligated to just leave her be. Should I still be trying to meet her needs or do I need to be selfish and remove this person from my life?
submitted by Hungry_Claim_4150 to FriendshipAdvice [link] [comments]
To give some context I’ve been living with my flatmates partner against my will since September 2023. Both me and my other flatmate tried to make clear we were uncomfortable about this months ago. He is extremely messy and had previously punched other men whilst drunk on more than one occasion. We gave these as reasons for us not wanting to be left alone with him in the house. Instead he was given a house key and it took months for this to be readdressed, any discussions we had were forgotten and messages we would send were ignored. In April 2024 we have been told his housing situation was “tricky” and that the flatmate in question needed him here as he was her only support system. She did not give the option of him moving out but instead told us he might be moving out in May 2024. In those 6 months we have been forced to pay his food bill for weeks (we previously had a communal food supply and had to separate and label our food because she kept feeding him without any contribution ) We have had to clean up continually for them both (both of them are very messy and often left spaces needing to be cleaned before being used.) We are told that because food is now separate bringing this up as an example of her disrespect is unacceptable. I have brought up that it is still extra labor in having to clean more often, and spend more money for cleaning products and was told that isn’t true and that they contribute fairly ( Since discussions of us feeling extremely used he has occasionally replaced coffee and toilet paper, paid bills once as of April 2024, does the dishes and occasionally does the bins) we are the ones doing most of the cleaning and always have done so this is an unfair split of labour in my opinion (the dog is also hers so we are cleaning up after 2 adults and a dog)
Neither of them have attempted to communicate over anything, my flatmates partner turned up one day with his dad and moved his things, when I told my flatmate this was not cool they laughed in my face and made a dismissive joke. Neither of them communicated to us that he had been thrown out of his previous house and would be living here. We would just find him in the house when we were under the impression we were home alone.
I realise I could have spoken to him directly, but for some reason was convinced that it would be snakey towards my flatmate to confront him and ask him why he felt so comfortable to dump his labour onto myself and my other flatmate as a 28yr old grown man, so instead everybody in the house just avoided each other with a very passive aggressive environment, in which we all participated in silent treatment. At its peak myself and the flatmate in question would be shoulder barging each other, which is very toxic and sad.
So far the reason given for him not ever cleaning up after himself was that he did not think it would be appropriate and we created a passive aggressive environment. ( We were very angry in this period, I myself even snapped on occasions where I raised my voice at my flatmate saying cruel things which I am ashamed of. This was in response to me feeling as though I was being used as a personal maid)
To give some more context to my own shitty behaviour spaces in the house were regularly left to a point of being unusable, unless we did it ourselves. This involved a months long flea infestation that was so severe you could not be in the house without being jumped on, we repeatedly tried to address this until the point we just dealt with it ourselves. I have had my TV broken when my flatmate was partying with friends which took months to even be acknowledged and not be told that it was not the right time to ask about it. Myself and my other flatmate have had to buy a separate fridge as we literally could not get our food into the houses shared fridge because we were left little space and were still having to regularly clean out others mouldy food. The dog is extremely reactive, he has anxiety and is often only given 2 or 3 short walks a week and spends the majority of his time in one bedroom, so being in the house with him means constant barking and he has been quite destructive. For months she would leave her dog whilst out partying and ignored all messages trying to bring up this forced labour.
Around this time something in me just broke, I actively tried to be petty and use a tit for tat mentality in how I treated her. This involved a lack of care for her items, refusing to do any labour for her, separating every single little thing, giving each other silent treatment. My OCD had been badly triggered after living in a flea infested house, this caused me to go into overdrive with cleaning where I would snap at any little mess. This was too much from me and it was a little controlling, but the situation was then reframed as me being “controlling” and not allowing my flatmate to ever relax in their house, rather than ever returning to the original upset of forced labour.
(I am going to give an example of a game she enjoyed playing with me here to try and explain what I feel has been done to me. She used to come over and start playfully hitting me, she would then ignore me saying no or stop, then when I blew up she would say don’t talk to me like that and frame it as me being angry and shouting at her inappropriately. I have had to address this with her and she has not played this game with me again, but I’ve seen her do it to someone else since and laugh in their face whilst visibly upsetting them, so I know they still enjoy doing it to others. Though just a silly game, this comfortability with ignoring a no and their ability to genuinely convince herself she hasn’t been given a boundary is one that bleeds into real life. )
On one occasion during an argument regarding labour I shouted at her to ‘fuck off back to neglecting your dog’ and I’m sure there were other things I probably said in an attempt to hurt her as much as I was hurting. I take zero pride in this and am deeply ashamed that I lowered myself to that behaviour. She herself belittled me in front of shared friends telling me “you never do anything for me you only do things for others you do nothing for me” over and over until I left the room. We had a huge row where she came down mid shower (as the hot water goes if multiple taps are on) whilst I was doing her dishes as the kitchen was a complete shit hole. I then told her no I’m not going to stop because i need to use my kitchen, and she told me i was disgusting for banning her from showering I told her she was disgusting for leaving the house as she did (I’m not exactly sure my exact words) she then told me “‘theres no room talking to you when ur like this”. Neither of us were right in this but I am giving it as an example of how toxic it is in the house.
A few days following this I said that if she refuses to discuss anything when she is leaving the house unusable for others and her partner is freeloading that I would report her to the landlord (I am not working on logic at this time but because I have been in fight or flight for months) she then told me it was disgusting to threaten her with homelessness and that she would never do something like that to me. I did not mean it as an intimidation tactic or maybe I did I’m not sure, it’s hard to think logically after being ignored over months.
After the threat I made to contact the landlord we discussed all of this, some of which she acknowledged, we both made an effort to apologise. However she tried to diminish the labour her and her partner purposefully used us for, would not give specifics about him moving out, and refused to apologise for belittling telling me she did not remember and it is not something she would ever say so she doesn’t know what I expect her to do. They told me I was not paying extra or doing more labour with an additional person living here. They have since cleaned the garden of bags of shit and dirty underwear that were left out for months, and made small efforts to be cleaner. However most of the house labour still falls onto us. (Some more context they very recently were injured and no longer can clean right now. This I understand completely however I would be lying if I didn’t feel burdened and obligated to now have to do that labour, or to help them with basic tasks when I can barely look at them without feeling sick, also I am still doing labour for her partner).
We have tried to meet her on every level for a very long time, previously we have had discussions about asking her when she is free rather than just dropping things on her, using a house chat, using a cleaning chart. We have tried to compromise and she has ignored all of these after agreeing to them. When I have gone to ask if she is free I have had her snap ‘what now’ I have seen her roll her eyes to others regarding a cleaning chart she agreed to because others were tired of cleaning for her, ignored all messages in the house chat.
My property has been repeatedly damaged or not taken care of as has others. I’ve had to spend over £100 easily. I am so tired of being ignored, laughed at or given no response at all to continual lack of consideration for others and their boundaries. My reactivity does need to be worked on, yes. However theres only so far people can be pushed before they snap, and I’m terrified that I’m going to break again.
When I’ve discussed this with others who have lived with her to see if they noticed this pattern of behaviour they knew exactly what I was talking about, which worries me.
To sum up I do not feel safe in this house, my back is permanently against the wall as I am just waiting for the next boundary violation at this point. This has already happened in truth as we recently received a letter saying we were overdue for council tax which threatened court if not paid off, I paid off mine and I didn’t bother to ask my flatmate to send over the remaining owed money as I am fed up of having all communication ignored and did not want to wait for her to be bothered to send me the money. If there is something that needs her attention you often need to ask for it to be done over and over which again is labour in the first place. As far as I’m aware this bill is still overdue as I have been completely ignored regarding it.
I do not think she truly realises that she has deeply traumatised myself and my flatmate through giving us no autonomy over who lives in this house or leaving us to care for her dog. My OCD is still pretty bad and being in this house or around her makes my skin crawl. So I guess I am wondering if I have been gaslit? Taking my own toxic behaviour into account I do not know whether I can criticise her or if I am being hypocritical in labelling her as toxic. My memory is too foggy to remember a lot of what has actually happened, but I have this of strong feeling of disillusionment that will not leave. I am stuck in this house until October 2024, and I am trying to just get on with it, but I can’t stop obsessing over what has happened, sometimes it’s all I can think about. I feel too guilty or snakey to contact the landlord as she is a longtime friend and I am afraid she will badmouth me to others if I do so. She is my childhood friend and everything in me is telling me that this isn’t how a friend should treat you. I am desperate to be free of this situation but we have been friends since childhood and she is currently injured and also experiencing a bereavement so I feel obligated to just leave her be. Should I still be trying to meet her needs or do I need to be selfish and remove this person from my life?
2024.05.14 11:11 Kaleidoscope3871 Tired of curly hair. Thinking of getting keratin treatment/smoothening
Can anyone relate? My hair are soo curly and have so much volume. Everytime I keep my hair open, my mom calls me a "bhaalu" (bear) because they are sooo thick😭😭
I cannot maintain curly hair, so, as a result, they don't appear curly. They appear frizzy. And it does not look good. I'm always advised to either straighten my hair or tie it up. I'm so tired of it. I, for once, want to keep my hair open and look pretty, or at least normal. It's such a hassle for me. It gets tangled really soon and never looks smooth. Hair ruins my overall look tbh.
My hair has always been like this. I tried to get into cgm. I really did. But there are soo many products and so much efforts are required. I searched for a simple version of cgm, still nothing works for me. Sure I can put some efforts on normal days. But what if I'm just having a random depressive episode on some day?(it happens a lot). Also during PMS, I just feel so low I barely have the energy to get the most basic tasks done. I'm now just thinking of getting keratin treatment or smoothening. What do y'all think about it? I have heard so many bad things like it damages your hair, causes hairfall etc. Please share your opinions and experiences on this. Also, anybody here who had curly hair and then got keratin? How did it work for you? Please share!!
submitted by Kaleidoscope3871 to TwoXIndia [link] [comments]
I cannot maintain curly hair, so, as a result, they don't appear curly. They appear frizzy. And it does not look good. I'm always advised to either straighten my hair or tie it up. I'm so tired of it. I, for once, want to keep my hair open and look pretty, or at least normal. It's such a hassle for me. It gets tangled really soon and never looks smooth. Hair ruins my overall look tbh.
My hair has always been like this. I tried to get into cgm. I really did. But there are soo many products and so much efforts are required. I searched for a simple version of cgm, still nothing works for me. Sure I can put some efforts on normal days. But what if I'm just having a random depressive episode on some day?(it happens a lot). Also during PMS, I just feel so low I barely have the energy to get the most basic tasks done. I'm now just thinking of getting keratin treatment or smoothening. What do y'all think about it? I have heard so many bad things like it damages your hair, causes hairfall etc. Please share your opinions and experiences on this. Also, anybody here who had curly hair and then got keratin? How did it work for you? Please share!!
2024.05.14 11:07 Primary_Interview585 My(26F) Partner (25M) is unsupportive of me working, what do I do?
Hello, my partner and I have 3 children together ages 5, 3 and 1.
As a mother, it is difficult for me to find and sustain work as I don’t have childcare for my youngest, I left my long standing Job in August of 2023 as they were refusing to be flexible and understanding of my circumstances. I then acquired another job in November 2023 but this wasn’t sustainable for me as it was around the clock constant and I didn’t have the energy for it.
My partner is self employed, I would say he has a lot of flexibility as he chooses his own schedule, however I would say I don’t know what his set schedule is because he chops and changes it.
Since not having a job I’ve been struggling financially, I pay all the bills in our home and he pays for the grocery shopping. I am in a large amount of debt that I’ve accumulated over the years due to poor money management because of either depression or my diagnosed ADHD (I am working on this) so the little money I do get from the government mainly goes towards that
I couldn’t tell you how much my partner earns, or if he is comfortably earning money, he does not share this with me openly. He could be broke. He could be loaded.
My long standing job I had to leave because he refused to be with our youngest for an extra day, which is what they wanted from me, he would also routinely ‘threaten’ not to be look after our child so that I could work whenever we had a disagreement and he didn’t like how I was acting.
I’ve recently acquired a job nearby which is incredibly convenient for me ! I am so happy, it doesn’t pay the best but it’s something! I sensed he wasn’t that excited about it, didn’t really celebrate with me at all.
Last night we both went to sleep late, I don’t usually, but I did yesterday, because I was up with him, I see he wasn’t doing any work at all, he was watching YouTube videos and just like every other morning, I was alone getting the kids ready and making breakfast whilst he slept in. I’ve expressed to him how upset this makes me to no avail, he will sleep in whenever he wants. I will say that when I am ill he will get up and be with the kids ( provided we didn’t argue leading up to me asking him to)
I woke him up this morning after I had taken my eldest to school, he got out of the bed 20 mins later, came into the living room said hi to our kids and went back into the bedroom, in bed on his phone, I went in and asked him ‘is this what you do? Just get out of bed and go back in on your phone?’ I can admit it was pure frustration but I can’t help it sometimes.
He responds with ‘yup’ then proceeds to ask me why I woke him up, I told him I’ve already expressed how him sleeping in every single day makes me feel, I told him that his behaviour is not working for me and after a bit of back and forth he then got irate and said ‘WHATEVER’ like a pre-teen and I then told him to ‘act like a man’ to which he told me to ‘act like a woman’ He believes women should be doormats basically , from what I have gathered. Anytime a speak up whether it’s ‘gentle’ (his alleged preferred tone) or harsh he will react the same way MOST of the time.
He then said ‘Carry on and we’ll see what happens’ this was a direct threat to my job, he was saying if I didn’t stop calling him out he will not be here to look after our youngest so I can work.
I haven’t even started yet. He threatened me for my first day.
He has shared with me he thinks me working is a waste of time and wants me to be with the kids mainly, he says it takes away from him working , claims he can earn more money than I make in a day. The problem is whether this is true or not I don’t see the money like how I should. He doesn’t give me money at all unless I practically beg and convince him. Doesn’t pay the bills as mentioned before and generally is very very stingy.
How do I go about this? He is my only form of childcare for my daughter and I feel stuck on what to do.
submitted by Primary_Interview585 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
As a mother, it is difficult for me to find and sustain work as I don’t have childcare for my youngest, I left my long standing Job in August of 2023 as they were refusing to be flexible and understanding of my circumstances. I then acquired another job in November 2023 but this wasn’t sustainable for me as it was around the clock constant and I didn’t have the energy for it.
My partner is self employed, I would say he has a lot of flexibility as he chooses his own schedule, however I would say I don’t know what his set schedule is because he chops and changes it.
Since not having a job I’ve been struggling financially, I pay all the bills in our home and he pays for the grocery shopping. I am in a large amount of debt that I’ve accumulated over the years due to poor money management because of either depression or my diagnosed ADHD (I am working on this) so the little money I do get from the government mainly goes towards that
I couldn’t tell you how much my partner earns, or if he is comfortably earning money, he does not share this with me openly. He could be broke. He could be loaded.
My long standing job I had to leave because he refused to be with our youngest for an extra day, which is what they wanted from me, he would also routinely ‘threaten’ not to be look after our child so that I could work whenever we had a disagreement and he didn’t like how I was acting.
I’ve recently acquired a job nearby which is incredibly convenient for me ! I am so happy, it doesn’t pay the best but it’s something! I sensed he wasn’t that excited about it, didn’t really celebrate with me at all.
Last night we both went to sleep late, I don’t usually, but I did yesterday, because I was up with him, I see he wasn’t doing any work at all, he was watching YouTube videos and just like every other morning, I was alone getting the kids ready and making breakfast whilst he slept in. I’ve expressed to him how upset this makes me to no avail, he will sleep in whenever he wants. I will say that when I am ill he will get up and be with the kids ( provided we didn’t argue leading up to me asking him to)
I woke him up this morning after I had taken my eldest to school, he got out of the bed 20 mins later, came into the living room said hi to our kids and went back into the bedroom, in bed on his phone, I went in and asked him ‘is this what you do? Just get out of bed and go back in on your phone?’ I can admit it was pure frustration but I can’t help it sometimes.
He responds with ‘yup’ then proceeds to ask me why I woke him up, I told him I’ve already expressed how him sleeping in every single day makes me feel, I told him that his behaviour is not working for me and after a bit of back and forth he then got irate and said ‘WHATEVER’ like a pre-teen and I then told him to ‘act like a man’ to which he told me to ‘act like a woman’ He believes women should be doormats basically , from what I have gathered. Anytime a speak up whether it’s ‘gentle’ (his alleged preferred tone) or harsh he will react the same way MOST of the time.
He then said ‘Carry on and we’ll see what happens’ this was a direct threat to my job, he was saying if I didn’t stop calling him out he will not be here to look after our youngest so I can work.
I haven’t even started yet. He threatened me for my first day.
He has shared with me he thinks me working is a waste of time and wants me to be with the kids mainly, he says it takes away from him working , claims he can earn more money than I make in a day. The problem is whether this is true or not I don’t see the money like how I should. He doesn’t give me money at all unless I practically beg and convince him. Doesn’t pay the bills as mentioned before and generally is very very stingy.
How do I go about this? He is my only form of childcare for my daughter and I feel stuck on what to do.
2024.05.14 11:06 greydorothy A brief discussion of violence in Fire Emblem
Intro
It’s not much of a stretch to say that violence is the primary form of interaction in video games. With a handful of exceptions, most video games involve guys whacking other guys, with varying degrees of brutality. Even chill games fall into this - Stardew Valley has sections with combat in them! Considering the pervasiveness of violence in video games, there has been a ton of amateur and academic commentary on the topic. However, while this is a well-established school of thought, I haven’t seen people try to apply this to Fire Emblem specifically.So, let’s do that now! In this post, I’ll be exploring how violence in Fire Emblem is implemented - what limitations are placed on violence, how it warps wider game and narrative design, and what it implicitly says and does not say. I hope this post doesn’t come off as too early-2010s “makes you think”-y, but I do think there are multiple interesting things worth talking about here!
Despite the length of this post, "a brief discussion" is an appropriate title, as we won't be able to go into depth on everything. After all, video games are holistic works, so the attitude towards violence is relevant to every aspect of their design. However, I have managed to wrangle some of these threads into the following structure: first a discussion on the fundamental mode of interaction in Fire Emblem, then how stories are constructed with regards to violence, and ending with the aesthetics of violence and how they relate to characters. Also, as FE is a huge series, be aware that I am gonna be making some broad statements which may not apply to each individual plot point of every game. I actually planned to write 3 case studies around Thracia 776, Fates, and Three Houses (which have the most interesting attitudes to violence in the series IMO) which point out these deviations, but this post is way too long and full of tangents already. If people are interested, I’ll make a followup to this post which goes into them in more detail. Also also, because of the nature of this post, I’ll actually give a useful TL;DR for once:
TL;DR: Nintendo games must be fun mechanically, and they can’t be too uncomfortable narratively. If you try to provide a counterpoint by saying “oh this Kirby final boss is super dark it eats 100 morbillion galaxies”, you do not deserve rights. IntSys has to keep to this as a 2nd party publisher, but they also have to deal with the fact that their games are at least nominally about ‘war’ (or at least they put their toes into that particular thematic pool). This conflict between making a fun video game for children/teens and the wider framing of the narrative leads to interesting narrative and aesthetic tensions.
“Do you like hurting other people?” (or The Fundamental Mode of Interaction)
The best place to start when talking about violence in video games is to think about the primary form of interaction in said game. In the case of Fire Emblem, this is in the in-chapter gameplay. Sure, in objective terms the player moves arbitrary objects across a 2D grid which perform subtraction on arbitrary objects controlled by the computer, but this is always framed as controlling a squad of soldiers to engage in (typically lethal) combat with enemies (who are normally also soldiers). When you’re not doing this in-chapter gameplay, you are preparing for the next chapter of combat. This involves surveying the area of combat, preparing weapon loadouts, etc, however more recent entries also include light life-sim-esque elements. To summarize, Fire Emblem’s interactivity involves ordering violence as well as the preparations to order said violence.
For players, this strategic thinking is extremely fun and is the primary draw of the series! You have all these tier lists of who’s better at killing, discussion of the maps where you do the killing, complaints about the length of gameplay sections where you don’t do killing, etc. This is by design, as while I don’t know the core brand tenets of Nintendo, I imagine the Reggie quote “If it isn’t fun, why bother?” is carved into a solid gold statue of Mario in the office lobby. This then is enforced on all associated studios, including IntSys and so Fire Emblem. While I would disagree with that Reggie quote (especially the bit where he says “If it’s not a battle, where’s the fun?” which is a wild statement to make about an entire medium), this approach to making games is ultimately fine, and so IntSys tailored the strategic gameplay to be satisfying to your dopamine receptors. You could analyse what the normalisation of violence even in ‘just for fun’ games says about wider gaming culture, but I won’t get into that here. In any case, let’s dig into a few specifics of FE’s interactivity.
One thing that’s interesting with regard to strategy games is the detached perspective of the player. You order units and observe the resulting violence, but it’s not tactile, you don’t directly swing the sword or shoot the bow or cast the spell like with action games. This adds a layer of separation between the player and what fundamentally happens, at least within the framing that the game provides. It’s not like Call of Duty, where your relationship to the violence is very visceral, where you view everything down the barrel of a gun. OK, I probably shouldn’t use a series that I have very little personal experience with (I only listen to the supplementary lore material, so let’s talk about Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice. While you’re not directly in the driver’s seat, John Sekiro reacts to your every input with extreme responsiveness, so overcoming the game’s challenges i.e. stabbing people is incredibly visceral and satisfying. While this violence is fantastical in nature, there is sufficient blood and explicit sword-action to clearly say “oh yeah you are violently killing all of those bozos with a katana”. Coming back to FE, not only are you far more detached from the violence, it is presented in an extremely cartoony manner… but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, we’ll get to the aesthetics later. Point is, Fire Emblem gives the viewpoint of a stoic commander, who Does What Needs To Be Done™, and not the viewpoint of an actual soldier who has to do the actual killing.
Now let’s view the player’s perspective on violence from a different angle. Fire Emblem intends for its combat to be relatively relaxed on the player side of things - the turn-based nature allows the player to calmly think through all of their moves, and you typically have perfect information on the enemies. The only exceptions to this are Fog of WaSame Turn Reinforcements, which are rare and typically unpopular amongst the fanbase. This leans into ‘combat as sport’, where (going back to the Reggie quote) you have a fun time picking apart a puzzle with the tools you have, and we all collectively enjoy this! This is a valid way of designing strategy games, and I like what IntSys has done. However, it’s not the only way of making these games - for example, in Total War you have to juggle all your battalions in real time whilst the enemy is bearing down on you, and the XCOM games always have Fog of War and limited information on the enemies, with you never knowing what kind of awful new monster is going to suddenly charge at you. Don’t get me wrong, neither of these follow ‘combat as war’, the principle that violence should properly mimic the stress, tension and unfairness of actual conflict. Hell, neither of them are particularly mature either - Total War is the strategy game equivalent of smashing action figures together, and XCOM emulates a pulp sci-fi alien invasion story. However, the additional pressures these games have make them hew slightly closer to actual conflict, putting you more in that mindset in a way that the clean fun Fire Emblem doesn’t really do. Again, I want to say FE’s approach to violence in in-map gameplay is fine, but when all three of these franchises have an explicit narrative framing of ‘warfare’, it does make Fire Emblem’s narrative a little more… stretched.
Finally, I want to briefly mention the maps. To steal from a brilliant Jacob Geller video, these are Worlds Designed For Violence. At least outside of the Kaga games, the maps you fight on are primarily designed around how the player interacts with them, i.e. fights on them. While I imagine the narrative designers and artists at IntSys are involved throughout the map design process, the gameplay flow probably takes precedence most of the time. Maps are not designed to resemble realistic places that you have to fight through, they are instead designed primarily to provide fun gameplay experiences before being dressed up by the artists to look realistic/fit the specific story beat. This is a more consistently entertaining approach to map design - heaven knows we have a lot of Kaga castle assault maps which are as fun as actually assaulting an entrenched position IRL - but this lack of friction could potentially take the bite out of the intended vibe, neuter any commentary on violence throughout the story.
You may have noticed that we’ve only talked about the “in-map” gameplay for now, when there’s an entire second half of these games, i.e. all the gameplay between the maps. Don’t worry, we’ll get to all of that, but this may fit better in:
Something something “ludonarrative” something something (or Narrative Implications)
(To clarify, here I’m going to talk about the wider plots and narrative structure as opposed to characterisation, as that fits more into the aesthetics of the series)It’s not bold to say that the narratives of games have to warp around the core gameplay structure. Especially in AAA video game production, the narrative designers usually have to take a back seat to the systems and level designers, at least outside of the initial rough outline they provide in the original game pitch. In this case, the job of the writer is to form vaguely coherent connective tissue between individual levels, setpieces and expensive pre-rendered cutscenes. This must be a very difficult job, and is probably the reason why most video game stories are the way they are. I am not privy to IntSys internal meetings, but I imagine they abide by this paradigm, trying to give a reason for why you fight 20 battles which roughly align with plot beats that were decided years ago.
Put another way, the writers of Fire Emblem must contrive a reason why the characters fight a vast number of violent battles in a strategic manner. This has a pretty easy solution - war! We have found something it’s good for, as whenever the gameplay designers decide that an extra map is required, the writers can just insert “oh no there’s a blockade of enemy soldiers in the way, guess you gotta kill them all”. This is the case for almost all the games and is a fair enough narrative choice, as it’s frankly one of the few scenarios where you could reasonably contrive so many battles, but it’s worth examining this in a bit more detail.
Even in the framing of warfare, there are still a lot of skirmishes, which sometimes the narrative or tone fails to support - or at least, their presence means that violence isn’t taken that seriously. Let’s take an example from early in Awakening: Emmeryn sends the Shepherds to negotiate an alliance with Regna Ferox. On the way, they are ambushed by Risen on the Northroad (1), have to fight the border guards who think Chrom is a bandit I think??? (2), and then after arriving they need to take part in Regna Ferox’s ritual combat to secure their alliance (3). These beats aren’t necessarily bad, and I actually think Awakening uses these opportunities quite well: the Risen are established as a constant threat to the world (except not really in the main story but that’s a whole other thing), “Marth'' gets more development, we set up Regna Ferox as fighty people who like to fight, and while the middle encounter is very tenuous it does set up a funny joke in Cynthia’s paralogue. However, I want to communicate that if the map/encounter designers need X maps between plot points A and B - in this case, needing low-stakes trials in the tutorial period - then there’s gonna be a fair bit of narrative filler. That is to say, there must be multiple combat encounters that kinda just happen, which makes violence a lot more casual in the narrative. See also the myriad examples of “oh shit random bandits attack!”, used to have a lower stakes map, with bandits appearing and vanishing as needed. This works fine enough in the context of ‘combat as sport’, allowing your favourite scrunglo to build up a triple-digit body count, but this casual attitude circumvents potentially interesting ideas with regards violence. Taking the example further, banditry and its causes are never seriously explored, as bandits are just treated as a filler enemy (except in Based As Hell Thracia 776).
Another narrative consequence of needing so many fights is that… you need to fight. That is to say, any anti-war sentiment or appeal to diplomacy in the series is fundamentally undercut by a) strategic combat being a core appeal of the series and b) narrative beats needing to be structured around fighting enemies. It’s a struggle to have moments of diplomacy and reconciliation when you had a fight within 3 minutes of said moment, lest some people start screaming that things are getting boring. This also makes any appeals to pacifism kinda moot. Xander’s quote about “war bad” in Conquest is utter bullshit, as a huge part of the marketing around that route focuses on the coolness of the tactical combat and its challenge. Eirika and Ephraim can never be equal, because Ephraim’s “fighting is fucken awesome” is encouraged by the gameplay, and Eirika can NEVER save 11037 because we need a final boss and no-one else fits the bill.
Speaking of, in video games it’s best practice to have a big bad guy you fight at the end of the story, the toughest mechanical challenge coinciding with the narrative climax. In Fire Emblem, you have one grand final battle which decides the fate of the war and/or world, before cutting to a brief wrap-up and then credits. This is an attempt to make these games satisfying, which is fine, but this is at odds with an anti-war message (which FE often gestures towards) - that is, actual wars tend to be deeply unsatisfying in a narrative sense! Oftentimes, after a decisive battle, things just kinda keep going for a little while afterwards with casualties continuing to pile up until peace terms are agreed. In the few cases where there is a final battle, it’s more of a formality as the decisive moment occurred months ago. See World War 1 and… World War 2 for examples of each, not to mention a whole host of war-related books and films. The problem with doing this in a video game is that it would require having multiple one-sided fights past the most climatic fight, which would be unfun, and we return to that fucking Reggie quote again. While video games can effectively explore this anti-war narrative space - This War of Mine is a fantastic example - it just doesn’t gel with the fun games that IntSys wants to make. I bring this up in the context of FE because Fire Emblem has such an aesthetic focus on warfare compared to other video games, so it sticks out even further. Even in FE6/FE9 where the war is effectively over in the final few maps, the enemies still remain extremely challenging, because if they didn’t things would be boring.
A few minor things that didn’t fit in above before we wrap up this section. First of all, in making an action packed story, Fire Emblem neglects an important aspect of army life in warfare - the “hurrying up and waiting”. In the majority of cases, the breaks between fights is under 10 minutes, it’s just glossed over. Fire Emblem Three Houses is the exception to this, but there it’s more framed as school life. Some people may say “what’s the point in having large amounts of timewasting where nothing happens in my game about war” and to that I would say fuck you, I want to play Jarhead Emblem. Next, Fire Emblem involves fighting people AND monsters, but these targets are typically given equal narrative weight, outside of maybe a funny line of dialogue about someone being afraid of monsters. In 99% of cases, enemy soldiers you fight have no more humanity than literal monsters. The death of any of your beloved soldiers is a tragedy with big sad death quotes, the death of those poor fuckers is quite literally a statistic which is proudly used to rank how well your guys have done at the end of the game. Finally, the limited scope of the violence the series can show limits the potential impact of scenes. In some cases, this is good as the implication is enough, e.g. the ‘Monica’ scene in Sacred Stones is wonderfully grim and would be weakened by anything explicit. However, a number of other scenes are neutered by the limitations on violence. This fundamentally relates to the aesthetics of the series:
insert prozd tweet/skit here (or Aesthetics, Tone, and Characters)
I’ve been talking a lot about ‘the violence committed’, and this might have seemed a bit weird to you. It’s a true statement, but because the violence is mostly cartoony and abstracted - bad guys disappear into nothingness, there’s no blood, etc - it’s hard to think of it in that way. It’s basically impossible to place Fire Emblem in the same artistic sphere as, say, All Quiet on the Western Front. This aesthetic sense was partially tech-limited in the early NES and SNES games, which was grandfathered into the more graphically complex titles, but it’s also related to how the aesthetics unavoidably warp the tone of the work. IntSys needs their games to be relatively lighthearted and unconcerned with the consequences of its violence, as one of the core appeals of these games is the charming cast of characters. As you would expect, it would be a lot harder to appreciate your goofy blorbos and their lighthearted chats about nothing if you could see the brutal consequences of their triple digit body counts. If violence was more realistic, there would be a lot less “ooh I like training and/or this one hyperspecific food” or “I like peace, but I guess violence may be possibly needed sometimes” and there would have to be a lot more trauma and dourness. There are also age rating concerns, as you can’t exactly sell Come And See Emblem to pre-teens. And once more, to clarify: Fire Emblem as it exists now is fine! I like the lighthearted tone of this series, and I like the characters that reside within it. However, a few problems do arise from IntSys’s approach to violence, as occasionally they brush up against darker ideas but (due to similar reasons to the above) they can never commit to them, which neuters their potential impact. This is especially troublesome with regards to characterisation, as the little dudes are a core appeal, so if something is off that could cause problems. In a sense, at points we have severe aesthetic tension.A fairly useful case study to see how this affects characterisation is with Mozu in Fire Emblem Fates. Mozu is a charming character, a genial country bumpkin with a bit of an edge at times, who has fond memories of her hometown. This lines up with the lighthearted tone of her recruitment paralogue, where (checks notes) her entire village gets massacred by inhuman monsters, with her mother literally being murdered right in front of her, and she joins up with Corrin’s party because there is literally nothing left of her old life. I understand that people who experience extreme trauma do still manage to live meaningful lives, and that IntSys wouldn’t want to have a character who is a barely functional traumatised mess for 90% of the campaign. However, this doesn’t explain the sheer dissonance between the relatively normal and well-adjusted Mozu who quietly remembers her lost loved ones, and the fact that her village got My Lai’d a handful of weeks ago in the game’s timeline. IMO this would work a lot better if there were a few survivors (instead of literally everyone else dying), with Mozu actively choosing to leave her old life to help others instead of being forced to leave by circumstance. This reduction in scope would mitigate the dissonance between the character and what actually happens to her. This is by far the most extreme example in the series, however I’m sure you can think of others. My issue here is not with having ‘normal’ characters, or with them suffering tragedies, my issue is the dissonance between the two when viewing the scope of said tragedies. This is just one way the series wants to get into darker territory, then swiftly backing off instead of delving into the consequences.
This aesthetic restriction also affects the potential impact of dramatic scenes in the main story, limiting what the focus of these scenes can actually be. This little bit will involve heavy spoilers for Genealogy of the Holy War and Spec Ops: The Line (I KNOW THESE GAMES ARE VERY DIFFERENT WITH VERY DIFFERENT INTENDED DEMOGRAPHICS IN VERY DIFFERENT CULTURAL CONTEXTS, SHUT UP). Both have a very important narrative moment around their midpoints, involving fire magic/white phosphorus respectively. In each game, the deaths that occur are utterly horrific when you think about them. In FE4 the focus is on the drama of the plot twist and effects on the characters, with the actual effects of the violence being left to implication. We don’t know if this was the original intent of Kaga and the team, or if this was enforced by various tech- and publisher-related restrictions, but in either case we do not see anything explicit. In any case, in Spec Ops: The Line, the horror and graphic nature of the violence is completely inescapable, and therefore forms the core of the turning point of the story. The specifics of the violence itself are crucial - the game does not work if you don’t see the consequences of the white phosphorus - and it leads beautifully to the complete descent of its endgame. You may be saying “of course you couldn’t show that violence in FE, it’s a kids game” which is true, and in any case the scene in Genealogy is very good, even without showing the violence. I imagine if we get a remake in the year 202X we wouldn’t see anything explicit anyway, partially due to the publisher but also because the scene doesn’t necessarily need it. The point I am trying to make is that the aesthetics form a limitation on what Fire Emblem can explore, narrative space that the series fundamentally cannot reach.
One more thing, and this isn’t really about the games themselves but the impressions leading into them, and how the aesthetics can affect that. Do you guys remember when the intro cutscene of Three Houses was released a few weeks before release? I do, and I also remember the collective shock of the community when seeing the early previews. It was so drastically different to everything that had come before, and consequently was really intriguing - you can see a lot of speculation in the above comments. To clarify, I don’t want to pretend that 3H is some kind of super mature ultra gritty war story, or that blood = good game, but that beginning cutscene gave one hell of a first impression. Even though the game isn’t that much darker than any other FE game, the sheer unexpectedness put people off-kilter in a kinda awesome way. Does the game actually deliver? YMMV, but I think this (and some of the later cutscenes, such as the mid-game Dimitri one) work quite well. Sometimes, a little injection of harsher violence can go a long way.
Conclusion
Frankly I don’t really have a conclusion, sorry. As you can see, there are so many disparate strands, I can’t possibly make one grand thesis statement. Maybe the inherent contradictions of having warfare in a family friendly video game weakens the potential end result? I guess, but I don’t want to imply that what we have now is bad, as it is pretty good tbh. So, uhh……
OK, if I had to say something, it’s more about the process of making this. Having to try and think about how violence intersects with a video game you like takes you in a number of different directions. Ultimately, this process was really fulfilling for me, and I would recommend that you do the same (for FE or anything else)! Trying to analyse something you enjoy from a perspective not usually applied is pretty neat. If you guys have any thoughts (on the points above or your own), I’d be very interested to hear them!
Also, if people are interested, I’ll try to make a few case studies. I would focus on Thracia 776, Fates, and Three Houses, as (when thinking on this topic) I found that these games were consistently the most intriguing, with the most interesting relationships to violence. This would probably take a while though, as I am gonna be very busy in June, and I probably won’t have time this month either.
2024.05.14 11:06 Any_Technology_7478 Car leasing vs buying outright
I have been thinking about buying a new car and looking at leasing for the first time. I have had my current car for 12 years and is has cost:
A lease car of the same make and model:
So the difference is a massive £39,480! I have been able to save money into a S&S isa during this time. So if I put the difference in (£275 a month) and it returns 5% (actually currently at 12%) with compounding that means I am £54,110.03 better off over a decade of car ownership. Pension would do even better.
Have I missed anything or got it completely wrong? I am shocked how much car ownership costs in general, but leasing seems very expensive. My insurance is also £150 cheaper on my current car and it still has life left (clean mot, everything works), so the numbers just get better with time.
submitted by Any_Technology_7478 to UKPersonalFinance [link] [comments]
- £14,000 to buy
- I have put £100 a month aside for maintenance and currently have a surplus of £2200, so £12,200.
- The car is worth about £1000
A lease car of the same make and model:
- £420 a month over 12 years / £60,480
- Servicing at a main dealer £350 / £4200
So the difference is a massive £39,480! I have been able to save money into a S&S isa during this time. So if I put the difference in (£275 a month) and it returns 5% (actually currently at 12%) with compounding that means I am £54,110.03 better off over a decade of car ownership. Pension would do even better.
Have I missed anything or got it completely wrong? I am shocked how much car ownership costs in general, but leasing seems very expensive. My insurance is also £150 cheaper on my current car and it still has life left (clean mot, everything works), so the numbers just get better with time.
2024.05.14 11:03 Primary_Interview585 My(26F) Partner (25M) is unsupportive of me working
Hello, my partner and I have 3 children together ages 5, 3 and 1.
As a mother, it is difficult for me to find and sustain work as I don’t have childcare for my youngest, I left my long standing Job in August of 2023 as they were refusing to be flexible and understanding of my circumstances. I then acquired another job in November 2023 but this wasn’t sustainable for me as it was around the clock constant and I didn’t have the energy for it.
My partner is self employed, I would say he has a lot of flexibility as he chooses his own schedule, however I would say I don’t know what his set schedule is because he chops and changes it.
Since not having a job I’ve been struggling financially, I pay all the bills in our home and he pays for the grocery shopping. I am in a large amount of debt that I’ve accumulated over the years due to poor money management because of either depression or my diagnosed ADHD (I am working on this) so the little money I do get from the government mainly goes towards that
I couldn’t tell you how much my partner earns, or if he is comfortably earning money, he does not share this with me openly. He could be broke. He could be loaded.
My long standing job I had to leave because he refused to be with our youngest for an extra day, which is what they wanted from me, he would also routinely ‘threaten’ not to be look after our child so that I could work whenever we had a disagreement and he didn’t like how I was acting.
I’ve recently acquired a job nearby which is incredibly convenient for me ! I am so happy, it doesn’t pay the best but it’s something! I sensed he wasn’t that excited about it, didn’t really celebrate with me at all.
Last night we both went to sleep late, I don’t usually, but I did yesterday, because I was up with him, I see he wasn’t doing any work at all, he was watching YouTube videos and just like every other morning, I was alone getting the kids ready and making breakfast whilst he slept in. I’ve expressed to him how upset this makes me to no avail, he will sleep in whenever he wants. I will say that when I am ill he will get up and be with the kids ( provided we didn’t argue leading up to me asking him to)
I woke him up this morning after I had taken my eldest to school, he got out of the bed 20 mins later, came into the living room said hi to our kids and went back into the bedroom, in bed on his phone, I went in and asked him ‘is this what you do? Just get out of bed and go back in on your phone?’ I can admit it was pure frustration but I can’t help it sometimes.
He responds with ‘yup’ then proceeds to ask me why I woke him up, I told him I’ve already expressed how him sleeping in every single day makes me feel, I told him that his behaviour is not working for me and after a bit of back and forth he then got irate and said ‘WHATEVER’ like a pre-teen and I then told him to ‘act like a man’ to which he told me to ‘act like a woman’ He believes women should be doormats basically , from what I have gathered. Anytime a speak up whether it’s ‘gentle’ (his alleged preferred tone) or harsh he will react the same way MOST of the time.
He then said ‘Carry on and we’ll see what happens’ this was a direct threat to my job, he was saying if I didn’t stop calling him out he will not be here to look after our youngest so I can work.
I haven’t even started yet. He threatened me for my first day.
He has shared with me he thinks me working is a waste of time and wants me to be with the kids mainly, he says it takes away from him working , claims he can earn more money than I make in a day. The problem is whether this is true or not I don’t see the money like how I should. He doesn’t give me money at all unless I practically beg and convince him. Doesn’t pay the bills as mentioned before and generally is very very stingy.
How do I go about this? He is my only form of childcare for my daughter and I feel stuck on what to do.
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As a mother, it is difficult for me to find and sustain work as I don’t have childcare for my youngest, I left my long standing Job in August of 2023 as they were refusing to be flexible and understanding of my circumstances. I then acquired another job in November 2023 but this wasn’t sustainable for me as it was around the clock constant and I didn’t have the energy for it.
My partner is self employed, I would say he has a lot of flexibility as he chooses his own schedule, however I would say I don’t know what his set schedule is because he chops and changes it.
Since not having a job I’ve been struggling financially, I pay all the bills in our home and he pays for the grocery shopping. I am in a large amount of debt that I’ve accumulated over the years due to poor money management because of either depression or my diagnosed ADHD (I am working on this) so the little money I do get from the government mainly goes towards that
I couldn’t tell you how much my partner earns, or if he is comfortably earning money, he does not share this with me openly. He could be broke. He could be loaded.
My long standing job I had to leave because he refused to be with our youngest for an extra day, which is what they wanted from me, he would also routinely ‘threaten’ not to be look after our child so that I could work whenever we had a disagreement and he didn’t like how I was acting.
I’ve recently acquired a job nearby which is incredibly convenient for me ! I am so happy, it doesn’t pay the best but it’s something! I sensed he wasn’t that excited about it, didn’t really celebrate with me at all.
Last night we both went to sleep late, I don’t usually, but I did yesterday, because I was up with him, I see he wasn’t doing any work at all, he was watching YouTube videos and just like every other morning, I was alone getting the kids ready and making breakfast whilst he slept in. I’ve expressed to him how upset this makes me to no avail, he will sleep in whenever he wants. I will say that when I am ill he will get up and be with the kids ( provided we didn’t argue leading up to me asking him to)
I woke him up this morning after I had taken my eldest to school, he got out of the bed 20 mins later, came into the living room said hi to our kids and went back into the bedroom, in bed on his phone, I went in and asked him ‘is this what you do? Just get out of bed and go back in on your phone?’ I can admit it was pure frustration but I can’t help it sometimes.
He responds with ‘yup’ then proceeds to ask me why I woke him up, I told him I’ve already expressed how him sleeping in every single day makes me feel, I told him that his behaviour is not working for me and after a bit of back and forth he then got irate and said ‘WHATEVER’ like a pre-teen and I then told him to ‘act like a man’ to which he told me to ‘act like a woman’ He believes women should be doormats basically , from what I have gathered. Anytime a speak up whether it’s ‘gentle’ (his alleged preferred tone) or harsh he will react the same way MOST of the time.
He then said ‘Carry on and we’ll see what happens’ this was a direct threat to my job, he was saying if I didn’t stop calling him out he will not be here to look after our youngest so I can work.
I haven’t even started yet. He threatened me for my first day.
He has shared with me he thinks me working is a waste of time and wants me to be with the kids mainly, he says it takes away from him working , claims he can earn more money than I make in a day. The problem is whether this is true or not I don’t see the money like how I should. He doesn’t give me money at all unless I practically beg and convince him. Doesn’t pay the bills as mentioned before and generally is very very stingy.
How do I go about this? He is my only form of childcare for my daughter and I feel stuck on what to do.