I’ve been with my girlfriend for 10 years and lived together for 3, we both WFH together but sometimes travel into the office. She thinks we argue a normal amount, i think we argue too much. All our arguments come from bad communication, nagging and forgetting her rules. I’m trying my best to not cause any arguments by trying to do everything she asks.
My main chore is the kitchen, I cook three separate dinners as she never wants what i’m eating, and i also need to cook for our dog (he can’t eat dog food). I occasionally cook her lunch when she wants something specific and I do all the dishes every time since i’m the one who cooked.
She vacuums and does the laundry, and we tackle the rest of the chores together.
On top of our chores, we have certain rules we must follow - which is fine because it keeps our house tidy and keeps her happy.
Our arguments all stem from the same situation: She’s been busy with work and slacked on chores so i’ve done them all, in the midst of doing all the chores I’ve forgotten a rule - when she comes home she ignores the fact i’ve completed every chore and instantly nags about the one thing I didn’t do.
An example: She was in a rush to go to work and left the house a mess, everything out of place and every room needed cleaning. So i tidied the whole house (cleaning, laundry, vacuum, kitchen, etc) so there would be no chores at all for us to do when she got home, made her favourite dinner and took care of the dog - this took about 2 hours which I juggled between working.
When she got home she didn’t say anything about the chores or that I made her dinner, until she walked into her office and realised i broken a rule.
The dog was sad that day and missing her so I decided to sit with him all day in her office, I’d forgotten that if I have to sit in her office I must sit on the chair on the right, not the one on the left. She noticed this because i didn’t properly tuck the chair perfectly back.
This turned into an argument, because she didn’t address the 99 things I did right, just the 1 thing I did wrong.
This same situation happened last week too, again I had to clean the whole house because she rushed off to work that day, I surprised her with one of her favourite dishes timed perfectly for her getting home which took hours to cook in between the chores and working my job simultaneously.
Again, no thanks or anything when she got home - I think i got a “ooo what have you made?” but shortly after she realised I broke a rule and all hell broke loose.
I had forgotten to dry the sink after washing my hands in the bathroom. I forgot it had to be bone dry at all times.
Queue another argument of why I can’t do anything right and how have i forgotten.
Another example from that week, is that I misunderstood one of the rules and it made her very angry.
I thought the rule was “don’t touch the white towel that hangs up on the radiator in the bathroom” but the rule was actually “don’t touch any white towels in the bathroom”
I had been using the white towel hanging by the sink to dry to sink, she noticed it was folded incorrectly one time and blew up.
I apologised and explained I misunderstood the rule and have been using this towel for the last few weeks to dry the sink.
This made her furious, as she couldn’t understand why I would think it would be okay to use one towel but not the other. Every time i explained she got angrier and wouldn’t let me leave the conversation, my answer of I misunderstood the rule wasn’t good enough and we were stuck in an argument for hours.
This is weekly occurrence, I try my best to be a good partner, cook her romantic meals, wake up early so she can have breakfast in bed, pack surprise picnics etc, to which she is appreciative to in the moment, but if I forget one rule - it irritates her so much that she has to nag me on it and cause an argument to vent and feel better.
Her argument is that all of her rules are common sense and it irritates her that she has to remind me about them.
My argument is that they’re not common sense to me and I sometimes forget them, when I do - please remind me without getting angry or stressed, and if i’ve done 99 other things.. maybe sometimes just hold the nag in and dry the sink yourself that time.
Lastly, I have zero rules for her and never nag or ask her to do anything - if she hasn’t done her chores, then I realise it’s probably because she’s busy or stressed so I pick up the slack.
Can anyone give me advice on how to handle this? The arguments are ruining our relationship, but she can’t seem to see that.
Also a note that this is obviously very one sided and in other aspects of our relationship we’re happy.
tldr: Gf ignores the fact i’ve done 99 chores that she asked me to do and will point out the 1 I didn’t do, which upsets me - how can i resolve this recurring situation?

If you want, you can see my previous very long post about our breakup for more details (this one will also probably be pretty long tbh). These are supposed to be writing exercises for my therapist. Everyone’s comments along with a few therapy sessions made me realize how one sided our relationship was. I’ve been in much longer and more committed relationships than this one, and had much worse breakups all things considered. But I’ve never felt like this. I know that grief isn’t a linear process. It comes in waves. However, I’ve always prided myself on being calm and collected even in the worst of times. I managed to hold it together pretty well when I lost my dad a year and a half ago, and worked through that in a healthy way. Why can’t I do that now? It’s been a month and a half. This should be so much smaller in the grand scheme of things.
I saw her yesterday at the grocery store, we were using self checkouts right next to each other. We ended up basically walking out together. I think she noticed me and just tried to pretend I didn’t exist. I immediately felt sick to my stomach, with this mix of deep sadness and anger. It took everything I had not to fall apart right then and there. I couldn’t eat dinner, and still managed to puke when I got home and then again in the middle of the night after waking up from a dream about us.
A realization that I had after my last post is how little she would compromise on things. A few of you that said that I was a doormat, and you’re right. I somehow let so many things slip that I shouldn’t have. It was her first serious relationship, she wasn’t used to having to compromise much. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She asked so much of me, maybe too much, and I gave to her maybe too freely. But the few times that I asked things of her, she’d almost always say no.
I wanted to watch Home Alone over Christmas. It was a tradition that I shared with my dad, some of my earliest memories are about that. I wanted to continue that tradition and I couldn’t bring myself to do it alone, so I asked her to watch it with me. I explained how important it was. She refused, time after time, every stay at home date we had between Thanksgiving and New Years. She went on rants about how traditions are stupid, and how she hates movies about kids (yet we watched the Harry Potter movies at her request, the first few are made by the same people that made Home Alone). It’s like she didn’t even hear me asking for support when I needed her, she only heard that I was asking her to put up with something she didn’t like for an hour and a half. On the other hand, I never said no to her.
This played out time and time again, in small and big ways. My mom was going to give us the money for our dream vacation to Ireland. All she wanted in return was a nice picture of us in front of something recognizably Irish, a castle or something. She was doing this incredibly nice thing for us, and just asked for that one thing. She just wanted to see me happy, traveling the world with the person I love, after having to give up the last 4 years of my life dealing with my dad’s illness (along with losing all of my grandparents and 2 uncles in the same timeframe) But my ex didn’t like having her picture taken. She would put up with it for friends and family, but if I asked her? Never. We have 3 pictures together, all of which are shitty group photos with her friends. Can’t even tell we were a couple.
Then there’s the big thing that led to our breakup. She wanted me to anticipate her needs without her needing to say them. She hated when I asked how best to help her when she was struggling and overwhelmed, saying that I needed to show initiative. She talked a lot about “mental loads” and such. I tried to support her as much as possible (often doing too much, as many of you said), but sometimes I’d miss the mark. She’d get so frustrated with me, and we’d sit down and talk things out. She’d tell me all of these things she needed from me, and I genuinely put in so much effort trying to work on it.
The only thing that I asked for in return is if I missed the mark, to please guide me to what she needed. I did it all the time for her, she was honestly awful at supporting me. If I was venting, had a bad day, all she’d say was “I’m sorry”, and pat me on the back like a puppy. No effort to dig deeper. No words of support or encouragement. Not even a kiss or a hug. I had to show her how I needed support. I never got mad or frustrated, I recognized this was something we had to communicate about and it was my job to open that communication.
So when we’d have those conversations about how she needed support, and she was asking all of these things of me that felt like mind reading, all I asked of her was to do what I did when she missed the mark. Just that one little thing to save our relationship. It was nothing compared to what she was asking from me, and it was for her own benefit. I put in the work, got us 80% of the way there. I knew I couldn’t bridge the gap on my own. I begged her time and time again. But instead of listening and guiding me to what she needed, she did the exact opposite. Full silent treatment at the very first text of support from me because she wanted something more/different.
That refusal to compromise ruined everything. I know anger is part of the stages of grief, but I’m just so angry all the time. I know you can’t tell based off of what was said here and in my other post, she is genuinely a great person. She didn’t do any of this maliciously. I don’t believe that she’s evil. But I can’t help but to look at all the work I put in vs all the work that she put in, after being told that I wasn’t doing enough while she was putting more effort into the relationship. I’m sorry, but I don’t see that effort from her. I don’t even know if I’m more angry at her or myself. Should have I been more proactive? Enforced stronger boundaries? Been more clear in what I needed from her? I don’t know. Maybe I am just a doormat. I just know that I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to be that guy that’s angry and bitter about their ex, and I’m terrified that’s exactly what I’m becoming.

when i was younger my family was happy, i guess. I was adopted by my grandparents officially when i was younger and i had been living with them my entire life. I grew up with sensory disorder and ADHD. My real mother wasn't really in my life until about 4 years ago. I never knew my real dad and i have never met him but i always knew my real mom. She used to live with me and my grandparents who i call 'mom and dad' because they took care of me most of my life. She always lived outside in an apartment my dad made for her. She then moved away. She moved a lot and never was really in my life completely. By the time I was adopted by my grandparents she was legally my sibling. She always was having boyfriends and brought some of them over for family holidays. I was bullied growing up since I was in first grade for no reason i knew about. All i knew was i was the school freak. When i was little i hardly ate much as well but i was still called 'fat'. Whenever i sung i was laughed at. I was actually good at singing and i loved to sing when I was little as well as dance. My legally sister (aka real mother) tells me now and days i was the bully growing up and i was sexual as a little kid when i wasn't. growing up i also had anger issues and nobody knew why. My mom (aka grandmother who adopted me) told me it because i was mad at my sister. my mental health started going downhill quickly when i was about starting middle the next year. i was getting bullied a lot more and my 'friend' was mean to me for no reason at all.i was at a christian private school at that time. I got blamed for put stick notes on other sticky notes in a prize container when i didn't. i was friends with everyone in that class. only one of them believed me. but when the others were told that i didnt do it they were acting sorry. one my best friend's at that time little brother had a crush on me. when i went to her house to hang out her brother was acting like a perve a little bit and was asking sexual stuff.i never liked school at all because the city and town i lived in didnt do crap when i was bullied and the principles were told. And around this time my sister came to live in the town i live right now.she gotten married. But she was toxic to everyone. Her husband's friends lived with them as roommates and my sister was abusive to them. when she was babysitting me during that time she would stab one of them in the arm with a medicine syringe you take medicine from.this kept going till that roommate left and then the next one was gone. my sister's husband had passed away when i was in middle school starting the first year of it. my sister was then toxic to me a lot. and since she was my real mom at one point i called her 'mom' all the time till she was toxic to me.she also always told me she couldnt have children. apparently, there was another before me and it was a miscarriage. i will mention this, my sister is known in my family to be a liar about everything from getting gifts for us, receiving it, not stealing, and most of the time children. About every 2 years she claims to be 'pregnant' with a kid but apparently, they all end up dying after they are born or are miscarriages. i was the only kid she had ever.and plus she always blamed me for stealing her stuff even her gun and hiding it under my bed at my mom's when i cant even put a phone under there cause the bed is really low to the ground. now onto my dad (my grandpa who adopted me with my grandma).me and my dad were really close when i was growing up.i was his little princess. That stopped happening after i came out as bisexual and genderfluid 4 years ago. And let me tell you my dad was born in the 50's so he grew up being raciest and homophobic. I was the only child he raised as his own. my sister was his stepdaughter and during that time her real dad never let my dad adopt her as his own.i kept telling my dad about things i liked that we loved together growing up. my dad was toxic to me in my middle school years up until now. He would verbally abuse me and threaten me. he even hit me before in front of my mom and she told the police that he never did. The police were called a lot cause of my anger and yelling. The police where i live never believe the kids about anything saying they dont have any rights like to clothes, a bed, sometimes to speak, to things they buy with their own money, and one even told me i didn't have a right to my own body.i was being bullied every more in school so i was getting depressed and mentally unstable. And my dad was always getting up in my face and i pushed him back sometimes to make sure he didn't hurt me and he just told me i 'assaulted' him and he was going to get me put in jail for defending myself as well a lot of the time. I had been to a mental hospital where i live 8 times. Some of them because i was mentally unstable, and 2 because i was forced for no reason. For my 3 or 5 time there my dad took me to the hospital to get 'diagnosed' but he lied.i had just gotten out of another mental hospital 2 days before for being depressed and i was there for 2 weeks so i needed to get adjusted to being out of there.and when we were at the hospital the doctor came in after talking to my dad and told me 'your being sent to *name of mental hospital i was at 8 times* for sewerslidal (not gonna say the actual word) thoughts'. and i was confused at first and i told him i was having those thoughts at all. and then he told me i was being sent there anyways and then left the room. Then my dad came in and said this directly at me, 'this is what happens when you dont go to school'. i was shocked and upset about this.he lied to the doctor and i was sent to that mental hospital again for it.i never forgave him for that.i was also sent to a behavior facility twice before. one for anger and the other for SH. neither times did it work.i was an SHing person a lot so i had different ways to hide it. like hoodies, long sleeve tee shirts finally, longer shorts, gloves, and short sleeved shirts that covered my shoulders. right now im in high school and i guess my dad is trying to rekindle our relationship because he is that old already. He is nicer now but about 2 months ago he was a jerk. my mom didnt listen to my feelings during these times so i never talked to her about feelings but when she wanted to and i tried to tell her she always interuppeted me and never let me talk and told me to shut up. my sister had moved in my dad's house recently because she bought it because he retired. my dad is planning on moving to my mom's place with me.and now here is an old relationship i need to talk about badly because my sister says i agreed to most of it when i didnt. it was my last year of middle school when it happened. i was already at a different school. I was still bullied but i could handled it a bit better there. my first boyfriend broke up with me 2 months after we got together and i was in 7th grade at that point when we broke up.i had just moved to that school about 2 months before we started dating.the reason he broke up with me was because 'he didnt feel love'.love is an emotion. you cant just not feel it right.i was touch starved and loved starved during that time so the summer after the broke up i was really mentally unstable and SH.i was taken to the mental hospital again. And when i came back to school after 2 months of being in the behavior facility for the second time so it was novemeber of my last year of middle school.about the end of November i was dating my guy best friend at that time.i didnt except what would happen after.he neglected me a lot when we saw each other at school during lunch even if we sat next to each other, was toxic and mad at me where i cried during that and wanted to feel pain, never stood up for me, never cared about how i felt or when i SH but pretended he did, and lastly he was obsessed with me during this time.threatening to hurt people. The first time i went to his house he got really touchy and then the second time he took that one thing a girl will never get back in her life no matter what.i was really desperate for love during that time but i didnt want to do that..he convinced me though. And then at school during lunch in the cafeteria while we were sitting with our friends at lunch he would touch me badly and threaten to do it more if i didnt eat or would do it anyway.i didnt eat much back then cause i was trying to lose weight, was having an eating disorder where i got sick every time i even at at least 2/4 of my meal. I didnt tell anyone this until last summer.i was still with him at the beginning of summer till my current boyfriend started talking to me on roblox after years of not talking because he moved while i was in 4th grade.he was a good friend. my current boyfriend told me what my ex was doing wrong at that time so i did the right thing and broke up with my ex.but my ex did scare me badly. He threatened to kill someone for me. i was terrified at that. He also had a spilt personality he would talk to me with a lot of the time. Then after a month of me breaking up with him my current boyfriend and me got together. He was a little toxic at first but he got better and was really nice to me. but we are in a long distance relationship. We talk a lot on discord and do video calls when we can.i was at 2 different public school this year.neither of them cared about what was happening to me so i started online school.i didnt go to either of them cause i was still bullied i couldnt handle it.and then when i started online school the teachers for that school accused me of not doing my work when i did them days in advance.i was doing really good but if i got most of the questions right on the quiz i still failed it.i would get 90% out of the question right and still get an f on the quiz.i started failing those classes and i was stressed with the video meetings cause there would be one right after another.i didnt get to pick my electives at all because the day i got the papers to see which ones i wanted they already picked them for me.and my dad was being a jerk the entire time as well as my sister so i was getting to a point of relaspe but didnt. im still kinda on that point but not that much.i dont go to therapy or a medication doctor anymore because the medication doctor kept telling me to lose weight when i was trying to, told my parents to send me to a children's home because i was not going to school because of the bullying and my regular doctor i had been seeing since i was a baby said the same because i was 'fakeing' being sick.i wasnt sick though but i was having an eating disorder still during that time to the point i was throwing up everything in my body every time i ate more than 6 bites of food.even the foods that were easy to eat i couldnt eat.and the reason i dont go to therapy is because all the ones i went to as a kid fired us for no reason and then a family counselor did the same thing because i was being rude.i was rude at all but i was pissed during that time cause i never got to talk and tell my side of the story and my family kept saying that raising my voice volume just a small bit was yelling and they still say that and my sister does the same with the voice volume but they dont say she is yelling when she is.if you guys have any of advice to help with any of this thank you.i have been wanting to vent for a long time but i didnt have a way to until now.

I finally beat honour mode yesterday, and got the golden dice. Took me 50 hours. I’m really happy about that, but I made gale blow up at the end because I didn’t want to risk it. Little did I know, the ending hit me harder than I would’ve thought. I even cried a bit in the epilogue camp party when talking to gales projection and his cat. Maybe I was tired but I don’t know why it hit me so hard. Did anyone else have the same reaction as me? Gale is propably my favourite companion.

Hello, my fiancé is 24m and I am 25f. My fiancé and I have been engaged since March 2024. We have decided he would move in with me Since he lived next door to his parents.(his parents own that property and let him stay there) We made an agreement so we could start are marriage on a good path and not a stress about money.The agreement is he would have one year to pay all his debts and that he cleans the dishes and take out the trash. We agreed that he will pay for our groceries and dates in the meantime. After the year is up he would pay all the bills and then it would be my turn to pay all my debts off. I owe about 10,000 and he says he only owes about 5,000. When I asked him to write all his debts down so we can come up with a plan he only wrote his car note. I asked him did you pay your taxes and he said no. So I asked him so why didn’t he write that down and he said he didn’t think it was a debt. His parents and siblings have been calling him and he hasn’t been answering them. He says he done with them because of how they treat him. But they have been calling me and they told me that is phone bill is over due, he hasn’t paid his insurance for his car or car note for months and they are going to take him off and someone is coming to get the car. I also found out he hasn’t paid his taxes for this year and last year. And his family is pissed because he won’t tell them what’s going on. Weather it’s past issues with them or not I still think he should communicate with them because all his important tax documents and his mail is still going to his parents house. Now When I asked him about his debts to see if he is on track he gets mad or says we will talk about it later. He doesn’t clean the dishes or take out the trash for weeks and He will let it pile up and they would stink up the house. I end up doing it and he would say he was going to get that. When I meet him he didn’t have dental or vision insurance and I’ve had to do that for him. He has taken off of work a couple of times because he says lights sometimes effects his eyes and it hurts to see. I took him to the eye doctor and he said they only said he needs contacts. I don’t think he is telling me the truth. We will make appointments for the dentist and he will cancel them or make an excuse on why he couldn’t go. He is also an amateur boxer but he wont stay on the diet plan the coaches suggested. I make the meal prep and he chooses to still eat out because he says he doesn’t want to eat the same thing everyday. He is starving himself and not drinking enough water to lose 20 pounds before every fight and that is dangerous. I love him and he is a good man but I don’t want to be a parent (because thats what I feel like) to a grown man and cannot marry someone who doesn’t want to get their life together. What do I do?

i asked a simple question that didn’t even need my full chart to be used bc i was asking for info on specific placements and the connection between especially if the signs are in their opposite planets!! so again why should i post my full chart when it is my own & private ?? on a forum w a bunch of strangers…. and i have seen many questions asked and answered w ONLY placements being listed. fix your strict ass rules.

I just wanted to see if i’m being petty or not😭 It’s one of my friends (A) bdays today and I lowkey forgot bc I’ve been so busy. So our other friend (B) texted me yesterday saying what should we get her, I told her i’ll split a gift because I didn’t have time to go to the store. She told me she’s gonna go all out for the bday and get a giant gift basket and cake to surprise her tomorrow, now normally I wouldn’t be petty…but my birthday was in March and A+B gave me a shared gift that had a elf lip gloss and dollar store candy🧍‍♀️I’m not saying I’m totally ungrateful for the gift but it’s not something I would’ve preferred especially when they know what kind of stuff I like (plushies, snoopy, sanrio- and they didn’t give me anything like that, the gift was like a Random person gave it to me last minute). So I am a bit upset that friend B is going so full out for Friend A? Not to mention B also posted A on her story when neither of them did that for me on my bday so I’m like…why should I do it for them like yah we’re friends but ???? Should I post something for her bday when I don’t want to just so J don’t look like a bad friend.
Idk It does make me sound petty but I’m very much a “if they don’t do it for you why should I do it for them” person. Please someone tell me what they think😭

I really want to reach out to my ex again, because I noticed he unblocked me.
My ex boyfriend (LDR) of 1 year and 3 months broke up with me over text, because I was wanting to spend time with him over FaceTime since we haven’t bonded in a long time and he’s been ‘busy.’ He got angry at me for bringing it up because I knew he’d been busy, but I just felt neglected and felt like he wasn’t making any time for us anymore. So he broke up with me, said a lot of hurtful things like “I’d be happier if I didn’t talk to you, rather than being stressed. Now you know what makes me happy.” It broke my heart even more. I tried to call and text him, but he blocked me on our main source of communication. He said he would’ve blocked me sooner if it weren’t for the money he owes me… I helped him pay off his loan and so that he doesn’t need to take money out of his savings so he could save it for moving to my country in July so we could start out future together.
A week after he broke up with me, I messaged his phone number (I didn’t care about the international bills) and I was sent an ‘automatic’ message like in the photo. I noticed every time I sent a message, 15 minutes later the ‘automatic’ would send through. I even reached out via iMessage to his laptop to explain myself and how I’m willing to do the work and become a better person, move on from our bad memories and process my trauma so I could heal. He left me on read and delivered. And by trauma, I mean he almost left me several times whenever he got stressed or angry.

• He disappeared suddenly for 1-2 months without saying anything, he’d respond to my messages on and off again. I thought I did something wrong, because whenever we had a misunderstanding, he’d need a few days for some space… I tried to be patient, but I was worried he was leaving me. He did say some mean things to me, “why are you so obsessed?” When I’d try to call him to wake him up for work, as I would usually wake him up. Turns out, he was going through a hard time in his personal life and didn’t want to ‘burden’ me
• When I visited his home country for a few weeks, we went to an amusement park and while waiting in line, he got angry and stressed because I talked to a lady who was the same ethnicity as me. It was one of those things like “oh you’re from this country? Me too?” Type conversations… He thought I wasn’t having a good time, so he was going to leave me in a hotel room… I begged him and went on my knees for him not to leave me… But then he said “You have no value to me.” Which made me stop… I’m not sure what happened (I forgot), but we were able to patch things up and enjoy the rest of my time in his country

I deleted the messaging app because there was no point for it anymore… I tried to focus on myself during this time. 2.5 weeks later, I had a gut feeling about something… So I redownloaded the app, and I noticed that he unblocked me. I checked what it would be like to block/unblock someone on the app, and he had to manually unblock me and add me back as a friend… when you’re blocked you can’t see their profile/updates, but when you’re blocked you can see this message pop up, warning that you can’t immediately re-add them as a friend after unblocking.
And if you unblock them you have the choice to add them back as a friend again. I also deleted his contact off my phone, because the app automatically syncs your contacts.. so I redownloaded the app again and I was still added as his friend and can view everything on his profile. He still has his profile picture I took of him and didn’t remove his previous profile picture I took of him off his profile.
Maybe I’m thinking and doing too much but I don’t know why he’d unblock me like that without any reason… I tried to narrow the options down and it’s either - He misses me/is curious about me - Doesn’t care at all and moved on so he unblocked me - Unblocked me so he could message me about the money or whatever
I really want to reach out to him. I miss him so much, and I still love him. I just want him back, and I know I shouldn’t reach out to him because he’s the one who dumped me, and out of respect for myself too. I’m worried that if I reach out, he’d get angry at me and get stressed out by me again. I’m not sure what to do. I miss my boyfriend.. Despite the bad memories, we have a lot of good memories too.

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I was at a disadvantage before, looking around in unknown territory, but here? This is my house. My country. My library! I have walked around these halls so many times that I have a pretty good mental map of where everything is. Considering the most requested academic tomes are under the protection of the Librarian, I go investigate the shelves on the first floor, where you find mostly reference books.

All this confidence I managed to build up disappears the instant I notice there’s a group of students in the lodges to the side of the hall, just minding their own business. My throat dries up, my knees shake a little bit.

Saints damn it, why aren’t you all on vacation!?

And they are sitting right on my way, between me and the shelves. I am sure the symbol has to be on the shelves…

“Time to turn tail and run, like always.”

“You can do it. Take a deep breath, look straight onwards and walk!”

Taking her advice, I do my best to not look at ANYTHING and just go straight as an ant to the shelves.

“Wait. What if any of them say hi? Oh no. Uhm. Take a quick look! But make it super, super quick!”

Damn it.

My eyes slowly turn to the left as I am walking. Are they looking at me? Did they look at me? WILL they look at me? They don’t seem to even notice me. Should I call for their attention? Should I say hi? I don’t even know them, that would be weird. But what if I do know them and I just don’t remember? There’s lots of law students around, maybe they are law students? I can’t see their books from this distance, maybe I need glasses. Would glasses make me look unassuming? I wish people didn’t look at me…

Eventually I reach the shelves without exchanging a single word with these people. I really, really hope I didn’t look like a nervous wreck while walking by, but I guess there isn’t much I can do about that now, can I? Ugh, I can barely focus as I start looking on the shelf itself, trying to find anything out of the ordinary…

“You’re nervous when there’s a lot of people, and you’re nervous when there’s few people. What will it take for you to be happy about something, huh!? Tiresome bitch…”

I sigh loudly. I left my S.O.S. at home, so I can’t really get rid of these voices tonight… I’ll have to brave them.

“It will be a hard time… but you can do it.”

Taking a deep breath, I continue trying to focus on finding that damn ‘golden symbol’ around the shelves, even taking out a few suspiciously out of place books, just to check if the symbol could be carved on the back of the shelf or something…

Nothing.

I spend a good long hour checking each shelf on the first floor as methodically as my body allows… before I know it, I have given up on everything and am sitting on a bean couch at the main hall, letting my eyes close slowly…

… When I open them again, I practically jump out of my chair.

Did I just fall asleep!?

“Oh boy.”

I pick up my phone to check… It's 2 in the morning.

“Oh boy! Who could have guessed things would go wrong, huh?”

I can still feel the sleepiness in my limbs, my eyelids feel so heavy. Saints, help your poor servant!

The lights feel so vibrant here, so annoying and white. I can practically hear them buzz… but then, I notice something else. The smell of decent coffee, recently brewed. I look around, quickly finding the librarian at her desk, serving cups of coffee to the group I saw… I think of going over and taking one but that would probably imply conversation. And I am not ready for conversation! I—

“Oi! You finally woke up!” The librarian catches me instantly with a knowing smirk. “Want a cuppa?”

I freeze. For a moment I think: ‘hey, let’s pretend I didn’t hear her!’, but I don’t have my headphones on and I made eye contact. I am trapped, TRAPPED.

“M-Mhm.” I manage to whimper, nodding my head quickly.

“Then come over, don’t be shy. We’re all night owls here.”

There is a sense of community there that’s quite alluring, but the curious looks of that group of students really feel like cold daggers on my chest. Still, I gather all my courage and robotically walk over to the group, taking a styrofoam cup, and then watching the woman fill it up slowly with coffee as black as my soul. Just like I like it… just with a hint of sugar, though.

“So you finally came around again. I was wondering what happened to you.” The old lady looked at me, knowingly.

“You… you recognize me?” I can’t help but feel a mixture of happiness and abject horror mounting on my back.

“My child, I recognize every single person who comes to my library! I know them all, believe it or not! Including these rascals over here.”

The others laughed. I just looked at my coffee while mixing a teaspoon of sugar in it. She’s probably joking, right? I mean… there’s no way she actually memorizes every visitor, right?

“Maybe she’s a witch.”

Knowing what I know now? I wouldn’t be surprised. I just take a sip of my coffee.

“You’re not here to study for the special tests, are you?” The lady again read me like a saints’ damned book. “You’re looking for something special.”

“It’s nothing that ominous.” I quickly cover. “I am just looking for a particular book, but I am not sure where I could find it in the library.”

“Why not ask for help? I am right here, precisely for that!” The Librarian puffed up her chest. “If I don’t get anything to do, I get bored.”

“Ah, well, you see…” I start getting nervous again. I can’t just tell her the truth! What if I slip and this woman turns out to be a cloak testing me? Or worse, a sleeper! I am quite sure the whole ‘Secret of magic’ is a very serious matter! I could get her and myself in a big pickle!

The woman seems to notice my distress… and instead of trying to reassure me, the damn crone just goes and says:

“Is it poooorn you’re after, boy?~”

Saints help me.

The others are laughing and looking at me all smiley, why!? Why must this lady put me in a situation like this!?

“T-There’s the internet for stuff like that!” I blurt without thinking. “I mean! Ah! Damn it!”

More laughs. At this point my face must be lighting up red and radiating hotter than active uranium.

“I. Can’t. It’s a symbol!”

“A symbol?” One of the other students tilted his head with curiosity. “What kind of symbol? Are we talking chemical or arcane?”

“Nerd spotted. You’re among comrades here, breathe easy.”

It’s hard to breathe easy when people are actively laughing at me, saints damn it!

“It… symbolizes gold.” I finally relented. “I am not sure which one of the many, many interpretations it could be. I thought of the alchemical symbol for gold, or a Sun, who knows…”

“That’s a little vague.” The student said, frowning a little bit and rubbing the back of his neck. “The symbol is in the book? Like, on the cover?”

What am I even supposed to answer to that!?

“I. Think?”

“Well.” The Librarian recovers the reigns of the conversation with a grin. “If that thing you are looking for isn’t here? It may be a literature tome. You know, on the second floor.”

“Y-Yeah…” I sigh. This whole conversation has just been so stressful.

“Well! It could be the Golden Ratio!” One of the girls says. “You know the Golden Ratio?”

“Isn’t that the whole shell inside a rectangle thing?” I blink.

“Yeah! They use the helenian letter ‘phi’ to represent it.”

The girl is nice enough to draw it for me…

Phi
I stare at the symbol on the paper for a moment. That’s… actually useful. And it does make sense! It could be this! Suddenly inspired, I stand right up and finish what’s left from my coffee in one gulp, not even caring that it burns my damn throat as I do so.

“Okay, this works. Thank you!” Without even feeling the anxiety attack me again, I bow my head and turn around to go right for the stairs!


When Tav had turned around and moved out, the Leader of the Coven looked at her young apprentice with a frown, shaking her finger slowly at the girl.

“You shouldn’t be so obvious with your hints, young girl.” The woman shook her head softly. “We could have had fun with her for at least another hour!”

“I didn’t feel like being cruel today.” The apprentice said with a sleepy grin, while some of the others ruffled her hair and called her a ‘softie’. “The Bastard needs a way to learn! And it would be sad to see the Overseer waiting for another night…”


I rush past the empty reception desk on the second floor, joging without even caring about the ‘No Running’ rule as I go head first into the wooden shelves of the literature section. And it doesn’t even take me that many attempts to finally see something: a symbol carved on the wooden side of one of the shelves.

Phi. Lower case. Small enough to not be disruptive, but big enough to be noticeable.

My eyes widen, and I immediately approach the symbol with awe invading my body. I don’t even dare to touch it at first, that’s how big my excitement is! Whatever does this mean!? Is this whole building the Elysium? Or just the second floor? Isn’t this place way too public for what they mean to do?

Finally giving up on trying to be cautious, I just touch the symbol. For a moment nothing happens, and I feel the panic starting to take over again.

“Trust the process, maybe it takes a moment!”

I keep my finger pressed on the carved symbol for a moment, taking slow, deep breaths as I try to keep myself from going into a saints damned anxiety attack. But then, something does happen. Octarine, that strange colour, starts filtering from my very veins and into the symbol, filling in the carving before flowing on the air like a river of vibrant purple-green. It advances in front of my eyes, dancing and spiraling before flowing deeper into the library.

“What…?”

“What are you waiting for!?”

“Follow it!”

I don’t have to tell myself twice! My legs don’t have the energy to keep running, but the colour is not flowing super fast, so I can just walk behind it until it reaches an empty wall on the deepest side of the second floor. I put my hand against it and push slightly, this time trying to cause the flow myself! My excitement knows no bounds when the colours flow from my forearm to my palm, and then spread on the wall like vines growing in all directions.

“Idiot! What if someone can see you!?”

Biting my lower lip, I quickly turn around. No one followed me, good! I can focus again on the wall, or in this case the lack of it: where there was a wall now there’s an entrance, a black hole just waiting for me to jump in. With a sigh, I decide to ignore my anxieties and just go into the darkness, being quickly surrounded by it as the wall quickly appears again behind me.

It takes a moment for my eyes to get used to the room, but when they do the way is clear: a spiral stairway going up.

“More stairs… why do people here love their stairs!?”

With a frustrated grumble, I take a step on the stairs, only for them to start moving on their own. Huh. Now that’s convenient! I just let them take me higher and higher, without even questioning how they move without mechanisms or electricity. Magic is just Like That™.

It doesn’t take long until the light hits me: a faint, gentle blue light, like a beautiful night sky. My observation proves right on the money, for what I find on top of the stairway is a tremendous planetarium: a dome of darkness with distant white lights showing the spectacle of the stars right above us.

There are some tables and chairs around, some bookshelves too… and sitting on one of them, was the specter of someone I know. The figure of a certain book vendor.

Miss Pelafina gently brushed some of her dyed black hair behind her ear to look at me with a mocking grin.

“Took you long enough, didn’t it? Kid.”

Four years ago you left this world. I woke up to the call. 4:19am. I’ve seen that time often since. I fell to the floor at the news, and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten back up. Life is hard without you. You were my best friend, the only one I knew. Our relationship was complicated on the surface, and more complicated if you dug down deep. I think about you every day. Sometimes it’s how much I miss you, sometimes how much I can’t stand you, and most often how much you let me down. You brought me into this world, you sheltered me thought adolescence, you left me breadcrumbs of affection, taught me just enough to get by, and then disappeared. You dumped all of your problems onto me, I carried your guilt and blame and suffering for years. All through childhood, teenage years, early adulthood. It was all given to you, for you to leave. There are days I’m so mad at you and I don’t know what to do with that anger. But, at the same time, I understand. I understand everything you went through. Every day you spent in bed, every meal you skipped, every event you didn’t want to go to, I understand. That’s me now. I’ve become a shell of myself because of you. I’m afraid to leave the house, don’t want people to see me. I’m afraid to get close to anyone, they’ll just leave. I ruin every good thing in my life because it feels like I don’t deserve it. You wouldn’t want this for me, and maybe that’s why I’ve fallen so far in. I’ve done what you’ve wanted for so long, I can’t anymore.

Hello and welcome to Day 16 of the May Recovery Challenge, how are you?
Wishing you peace and success for today :)

Today's check in:

What's one thing that is going well this week? Or, if nothing's going especially well, is there anything that's not a disaster?
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Bonus exercise: Radical acceptance

“What you resist not only persists, but grows in size.” Carl Jung
All major recovery frameworks incorporate some form of “acceptance” as a significant component of their programs. In the 12 steps, it’s embedded in the Serenity Prayer (the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference). In SMART Recovery it’s conceived as “Unconditional Self, Life and Other Acceptance”. In dialectical behaviour therapy (which is what is used in many ED treatment programs), it’s called “radical acceptance”.
These are all basically different expressions of the same concept, i.e. not letting things that we can’t control take over our moods and derail us from our recoveries.
On Tuesday of this week we made a list of things that are not in our control. Those things include the past, our current circumstances, and other people’s behaviour. Today will be a brief summary of radical acceptance, with apologies in advance to anyone who’s more educated about this than me, I hope to not completely butcher the topic! 🙂
Radical acceptance IS:

• a neutral acknowledgment of the reality of a situation that is either temporarily or permanently unchangeable
• an acceptance that life is imperfect, we are imperfect, others are imperfect
• a shift in focus from what we cannot control (the situation) to what we can control (our response)
• a way to seek peace and reduce suffering even in the face of real or perceived adversity
• a belief that life is worth living even though it is imperfect and there is pain and disappointment sometimes

Radical acceptance is NOT:

• approval or “liking” a situation
• “giving up” or the absence of a desire for change
  • quite the opposite, in fact accepting reality is often the first step to change
• appropriate for every situation
  • if someone is in danger or being abused, that is not a time for acceptance!
• going to eliminate grief, sadness or pain
  • grief and sadness are normal and inevitable human emotions
  • some things are going to be very painful no matter how much acceptance we bring to the situation, for example death, abuse, serious illness or injury
  • radical acceptance can however lessen feelings of frustration, resentment, bitterness and unhappiness

Signs that we’re not accepting a reality:

• Use of phrases like “why me”, “it shouldn’t be this way”, “I wish it was different”, “it’s not fair”
• Needing to numb to escape a reality
• Labeling people or situations as good or bad, right or wrong

In the context of an eating disorder, the obvious thing that many of us struggle to accept is our current body size! And yet as we have all experienced, that constant internal struggle with body acceptance and trying to force ourselves into smaller bodies as soon as possible quite often keeps us trapped in a binge cycle.
Body size is not however the only area in which acceptance can affect our recoveries. Other things we might need to accept in recovery could include: how much work it might take to achieve recovery from our eating disorders / how long that process might take, other people’s inability to understand our struggles or be supportive, an inability to completely control our environments, the fact that recovery will have ups and downs and there may be symptoms along the way, and the discomfort we may experience when learning new coping mechanisms and letting go of old ones. And I’m sure there are many other examples!!
Why does this matter? When we spend our mental energy resisting or fighting against things we cannot control or change, we create emotional suffering for ourselves that we then often turn to our unhealthy coping mechanisms to soothe, and we potentially rob ourselves of the opportunity to focus on what we have and what is actually available to us, and to make progress where possible!
I try not to put my own personal experiences into the posts but I have a recent personal example of what a difference acceptance made in my own life recently, so I’ll share that in my check in! 😀
Tips for Practicing Radical Acceptance

• Think of a reality that you are fighting against (“this shouldn’t be happening”)
• Acknowledge the reality (“this has happened”)
• Remind yourself that you are not in control of changing it right now
• Think about what your behaviour would look like if you did accept the facts
• Try a body scan to see what feelings and sensations that evokes
• Embrace any feelings of sadness or grief
• Acknowledge that life has meaning and is worth living even when there is some pain

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The bonus exercise is: can you think of 1 small, 1 medium, and 1 large acceptance goal related to your recovery?
Here are some non-recovery examples in case they’re helpful in thinking about small, medium and large acceptance goals 🙂

• small: someone cut in front of me for the bus
• medium: I burned my dinner
• large: I didn’t get a job I applied for

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WHAT IF I HAVE A SLIP DURING THE CHALLENGE?
if you have a slip and want to turn it into a recovery learning opportunity, here are some questions: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZhdjmzEVA6UTCNAEU53xn9LuN8TOfLbl/edit
(you don't have to post your answers if you don't want to, but I do recommend writing or typing them out somewhere)
HOW CAN I GET A REMINDER TO CHECK IN TOMORROW?
Copy/paste the following text into your comment to get a reminder from Reddit:
RemindMe!
When you get your reminder, look here for a link to the next day's post :)

So I started my Invisalign journey about a year ago now including waiting for new trays in between sets. I started on Invisalign as I have a complicated bite as my top and bottom teeth sit together. So I had my scan and was told 14 trays should be enough wearing a week at a time. Bite still wasn’t corrected so I was given another 14 trays. After paying £3,500 my dentist then told me you only get 3 goes. I was also told you can given upto 20 aligners each so I don’t know why Invisalign didn’t give me the full 20 at least on the third go.
So the third set still didn’t resolve my bite and I was informed to get a 4th set I had to pay £150 which is disgusting when I’ve paid so much. If I could have had 20 trays each time surely you should at least get 60 trays before having to fork out the extra. So after paying £150 Invisalign have given me a mere 10 trays. My dentist had advised me to wear these 10 days at a time instead of a week. I’m now on my 5th tray and while I’ve definitely noticed the most improvement in these trays I’m still unsure if it will be enough. If I have to fork out another £150 pound I won’t be happy if I only get 10 trays again.
My dentist has said there is nothing she can do about this as it’s out of her hands. I just wondered if anyone has had the same issue and/or made a complaint?

Long post (sorry in advanced).
Seeking advice on the best next steps for my situation. I (43f) have been married to my husband (41m) for 17 years (together for over 20 years). During those 17 years we separated at year 4 (lasted about a year) because I felt like he wasn’t meeting my expectations and sharing the mental load with our 3 young children at the time (he would often play video games after he got home from work instead of helping with the kids). We tried marriage counseling prior to separating but ultimately spending the year apart (and divorcing) helped us grow to the point where we felt life was not worth living unless we lived it together. 1 month after our divorce we started dating again and we remarried on our original wedding anniversary the following year.
This new marriage was better than the first- we were kinder to one another, communicated our expectations and needs (or so I thought), and we brought another child into the world. Together we are raising 4 children (2 in college, one in high school, and 1 in elementary). I felt like we were always on the same page. We constantly talked about our dreams and life goals, we went on vacations, he encouraged me to go back to school and helped out by taking over the cooking and cleaning. I would ask him what he needed from me and he would communicate that to me. I truly felt like we were stronger than ever. This is the marriage people dream of.
Last year, my husband encouraged me to go back to school to continue perusing my career goals. I got into a doctoral program for my field and he said he would support me however I needed. He works full time from home- and I work 2 part time jobs (one of which helps pay for my schooling). Well, I’m 1 year in with my program and about 3 weeks ago (right before finals) he tells me he’s unhappy with our marriage and his needs are not being met. He told me he needs to feel desired and valued and wants to be prioritized, have more sex, and more help with the cooking and picking up our youngest from school/sports. I dropped everything (happily) and stepped up to the plate. We had sex daily, I went back to cooking for the family every night, picking our youngest up from school/practice, and I only did my school work during his working hours so my weekends were free to spend with him. I even told him I would be happy to quit chill altogether because none of that means anything to me if he’s not by my side.
After about 1 week of this he reveals he’s not in love with me anymore and that he’s emotionally checked out because he had been feeling like this for years. He said he doesn’t want to have sex anymore, and he doesn’t want me around all the time, and now I’m cooking too much and not giving him the opportunity to cook, too. When I asked him why he didn’t communicate this to me sooner, he said he didn’t want to “stress me out.” He acknowledges that his communication is and always has been poor (although I thought it was better this time in our marriage). I suggested couples counseling- we went to one session and he tells me he’s not interested in putting the work because it’s too hard when he’s not in love with me. I told him I will continue to show up for him and our marriage because I believe in us and this amazing life we built.
It’s been only 3 weeks since he told me he was unhappy and last night he said he’s done. We had a long talk about what brings him joy in life and he couldn’t think of anything. I think he may be having a midlife crisis and he’s projecting his unhappiness onto me. He agreed to continue to go to therapy to work on himself and figure out “who he is” but doesn’t want our marriage to complicate this process. So now we are trying to figure out what life looks like during this process. We are going to try and cohabitate for the next few years and coparent and I’m going to attempt to continue with school (and work) so I can better support myself and our kids when he leaves. I’m hoping during this time he will come back to me but this is where I’m probably delusional. I know I need to let him go but I still have hope that we can be amazing together. He said he’s broken and I deserve better.
I should also mention that he revealed to me that prior to him telling me he was unhappy he had been jacking off to pornhub 2x a day. He said he built up resentment towards me during this time because he wanted to instead have sex with me. I reminded him that he never communicated this need to me and I would have been happy to step it up.
I keep telling him “I wish I had known.” It hurts my heart to hear my partner was hurting for all this time. All he had to do was tell me what he needed and give me the opportunity to meet his needs. But he never gave me that choice. I’ve been completely blindsighted, and I am completely devastated. I still have hope. Should I even continue to try and save what he thinks is lost?
If you made it this far- thank you. I welcome any advice and best next steps.

Assalamualaykum,
This post is gonna sound so pathetic, but I’m not sorry, I just need to vent somewhere, anywhere right now.
If you do comment, please read the whole thing as there are people who comment and get the wrong idea.
To give context, I developed feelings for this girl I was once friends with at a time where we didn’t talk at all for so long. I live in the UK and she lives in America, and we met online once upon a time through a mutual friend.
During the time we didn’t talk, the reason for this must have been both of us connecting to our deen more and distance of course. She essentially cut off every guy, and Allahumma barik I’m proud of her for that. She’s developed so much, it’s amazing to see.
But for the past year, I’ve had these feelings and I don’t know why. Around December 2023, I took the courage to ask her if she’s interested in marriage, to which she replied she would but it simply wouldn’t work due to both of us being overseas.
I’ve gotten advice from multiple people to give it time to move on, which I have. I’ve even tried finding other people in terms of marriage, and yet my feelings for this girl still linger in my heart and mind.
I’ve prayed Tahajjud, Istikhara (I am aware that this prayer is meant for decisions but the way I asked was to ask Allah if I should still keep asking for her in my duas or to just give up and move on), and made constant dua to ask if she is meant for me then attach my heart to her and if she isn’t then disattach my heart and attach it to the one who is meant for me. And yet, these feelings are still so strong.
I don’t know what I’m meant to do, it’s taking a mental toll on me. I’m not even obsessed and yet it’s constantly on my mind. I keep myself busy and yet she’s there.
Perhaps I need to fix myself? I don’t know, but I do have so much I need to fix about myself.
Apologies for the stupid vent.

My girlfriend broke up with me over this and had some choice words so I am hoping to get some clarification on my actions because truth be told, before my girlfriend and sister screamed at me, I felt like kind of a hero.
I am visting my family in Arizona for a graduation next week. I took my 8 and 6 year old niece and nephew for a walk along a paved trail that is literally right in the middle of the desert. They were running ahead and suddenly I heard them scream and came running back towards me. They said they had seen a rattle snake. My instincts kicked in and by the time I got to where it had been it was gone so I started looking around in the bushes. I got to about 50 feet off the trail and I found it hiding in a desert bush. I took a huge rock and took care of business. We were able to continue our walk with no further issues.
When I called my girlfriend she literally listened for one second and said that she was sick of me “not thinking things through” and she would be moved out when I got back next week. I was in shock because we have issues but I couldn’t believe it.
When I told my sister thinking she’d be more on my side, she said I didn’t eliminate a threat but I hunted down an innocent creature that was hiding. I said it’s a snake. She said she wasn’t sure but I’d probably broken some major laws. She says I have to apologize to the kids and I just can’t see why.
AITA?

Long winded story so bare with me:
An elderly cust calls our bank to report she has been scammed. The agent at the time logs the claim. Cust calls up later and gets another agent (me) to check the claim was logged/will she be 100% refunded.
After looking at what the agent has done I’m confused as I’ve never seen a scam logged the way they have and would never have do it that way personally. It was logged in the wrong system (in my opinion) and a major step was missed in logging the claim anyway so I was concerned the claim would be declined unless it was re-logged again.
I bring this up to my line manager who agrees that it should be logged in system I am thinking and not in the one/the way the agent had. I tell my manager I’m going to message her and clarify as I didn’t want to tell the cust she would get a 100% refund unless I was sure as I have had agents log these claims in the wrong place before leading to a decline outcome.
I message the agent on teams and tell her I think she’s logged it incorrectly and that it may be declined and that it would need to be re-logged again the way me and my manager discussed (different system/under a different option). I explain she may need to call cust back as logging it the way I would, means a different timescale/script.
However, I do tell the agent that she should double check with her own manager first before doing so, and that looking at the system, the claim has been taken on by the team anyway so she may not need to bother. But she should check just to clarify in case it’s ok and she doesn’t need to re-log. I was very professional and polite to her and even sent her smile emojis (to her responses) And reiterate for her know to double check with her manager to be sure. (I’m thinking, just in case I am wrong).
The agent thanks me says it’s no worry is very receptive and nice to my feedback/suggestion and says she will double check with her manager with a smiley face.
Her manager then calls me on teams later as I’m about to log off to insinuate I shouldn’t have messaged the agent as I am wrong in telling her she may need to re-log the claim and says she has logged nothing incorrectly apart from the misstep she agrees with me on, (but that she has already corrected/educated her on it for the claim), and says I made her agent feel awful and upset.
She repeats this a few times whilst trying to patronisingly explain why I am wrong in my method as if she is expecting me to feel bad for the agent and apologise or admit my method for logging the scam would be wrong. I don’t take the bait because I was not rude to her agent nor did I message to make her feel bad/tell her off, and that I was simply making sure the claim doesn’t get declined so that I don’t give cust wrong info.
Now, me and this manager go round and round in circles as she still tries to explain that my method is wrong. I tell her that I am not wrong in my opinion and will continue doing my method and that if she is happy with how her agent logged it we can leave it here (by now the cust has been refunded anyway). So then she patronisingly asks me how long I’ve worked for this bank and how long I’ve worked in the fraud department and says she’s worked here much longer.
I tell her “we can agree to disagree, cust was refunded anyway and you’ve coached your agents misstep. If you’re happy for her to keep logging this scam the way she has it’s fine and that’s I was just getting her to check this with you. I shall not be following this method and I’ve never been pulled up or had a claim declined and my manager agrees with me.”
She grits her teeth and (in my opinion) is clearly annoyed that even as a manager I won’t allow her to try and change my method and is annoyed that I haven’t apologised for how I made her agent feel or the fact that I messaged her, and that her manager title doesn’t intimidate me and now she agrees to disagree. I then hang up.
To me the agent is a grown adult who shouldn’t be so emotional and upset over something so trivial such as someone clarifying a claim/messaging her and she didn’t express upset at the time nor was I rude and she simply said she would double check with her manager anyway!
Should I have apologised for how I made her agent feel or the situation?

I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I feel numb or rejected, I go to an anonymous chat room, I talk to older men, they make me feel special for a little until I feel disgusted by the fact that I’m doing this and inevitably ghost them. I wish I didn’t try to use the validation from men older than my dad to feel better. I wish my dad was there for me so I wouldn’t do this in the first place. It isn’t that I don’t know the intentions of these men, of course I do it’s been happening to me since I was 9. It’s just… sometimes I’d rather overlook it.

Hi everyone, I’m using a throwaway for this because I don’t want this attached to my main account. I hope this isn’t too blog-y or anything for this sub, I’ve just really needed to get all of this off my chest and I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the past few days. I also hope it can be a warning for anyone who sees it and has gone too far into the online system community.
This is a fucking novel and I apologize in advance. I just have a lot I want to get off my chest, and I also hope that it could potentially be educational to anyone in the system community hate-reading this sub.
Quick warning for brief mentions of suicidal ideation and self harm.
I’m 23 (turning 24) this year, and I started to believe I had DID in 2019, when I was 18 (about a month or so away from turning 19). I had just started college. For context, writing has been my main hobby ever since early childhood, and I was also into roleplaying my original characters. I was EXTREMELY connected to my characters, I basically thought about them all the time. I spent the majority of my free time developing them, thinking about them, and writing or roleplaying. I even wrote and roleplayed during high school in the middle of class.
I started to believe I had DID whenever I talked to someone else about it and started to feel like my connection to my characters was abnormal. My main thought process was that I was so attached to them that it actually affected how I behaved. For example, if I was fixated on a certain character, I would find myself acting more like them or dressing more like them. I also started to over-analyze past behavior; the main thing that came to mind were the times when I was 14 and I would “talk” to my characters in my head, and there was also a particular instance where my handwriting would change to look more like how I imagined a certain character’s handwriting.
I also started to overthink because I had both childhood trauma and (then-recent) trauma from my teenage years, and during those events, I always used writing and roleplaying to cope. I was already prone to dissociation and had an extremely overactive imagination.
Within a day or so of starting to think I had DID, I “switched.” Basically one of my characters “fronted” for a little over an hour, and then I came-to with barely any memory of that past hour. Of course, prior to thinking I had DID, I never had any large memory gaps or loss of memory that caused me or anyone else any type of concern. The only things I ever struggled to remember were things related to my trauma, which is normal (to my knowledge anyways).
So after this I became pretty convinced I had DID, and then I discovered DissociaDID within a few days of this. I thought she was a legitimate source of information and an accurate portrayal of DID, because before her, the only other portrayals of DID that I saw were either horror movie shit or very extreme cases. I saw myself a lot in her because she was around my age, queer (like me), and a little alternative in her presentation. So I binged her videos and this only further fed into my delusion.
This was all within the span of a week. I had therapy on that Friday so I talked to my therapist about it. I’d also like to note that my therapist had been seeing me pretty consistently since I was 12, and had never caught on to anything that could signal that I had DID. When I told him about everything I was experiencing, we looked at the DSM entry for it together, and he basically told me that he couldn’t diagnose me and he had no experience treating DID, but if I was experiencing everything that I said I was experiencing, I should try to find a specialist or a psychiatrist. He gave me a few numbers but I was too scared to contact them. I also never brought up DID or my “alters” again with him because I was too embarrassed to, even though I continued to see him for the next year or so.
I also got more involved with the system community, specifically on tumblr. I didn’t use tiktok and I tried to keep my more personal accounts like instagram separate from what I was going through because I didn’t want my family to find out. The next few months were really turbulent and I went through a lot of “splitting” (aka making new roleplay characters and then becoming convinced they were actually alters making themselves known to me), and at one point, I stopped the medication I was taking for my anxiety and OCD because it was making me gain weight.
I’m bringing up my OCD because I believe it was relevant in the DID symptoms I was experiencing. My doctor and my therapist both agreed that I had OCD, and my doctor prescribed me seroquel to treat it. If you don’t know, seroquel is an antipsychotic. I started it a few months prior to the whole DID shit. I think my OCD is relevant because I have a history of intrusive thoughts, especially with anything causing me stress, and I think the instances of my “alters” talking to me were really just intrusive thoughts related to my OCD. Even now, I got an intrusive thought in a different voice that said “why don’t you believe I’m real?”.
Anyways, I quit taking seroquel and my mental health got terrible, and I ended up dropping out of college a few months into my very first semester, which was a decision exacerbated by the fact that I was convinced I had DID. This was towards the end of 2019, and then ofc 2020 happened. I spent the vast majority of 2020 completely isolated except for my immediate family, like a lot of people, and I didn’t have a job or school, so I was just locked inside on the internet all the time and further fueling my DID delusion. Ironically though, I stopped going on system tumblr at all, and around mid-2020 I discovered the DIDcringe sub. Which is pretty fucking hilarious because I was a little active on there for a few weeks or so, and I HATED system tiktok, I hated the endo shit, I was just shitting on these people because I thought I was better. I considered myself “medically recognized” and better than everyone in those tiktoks because I didn’t have fictives from anything outside of my own characters, I didn’t cosplay, and for what it’s worth I actually did research DID and was distressed by my symptoms. So I thought this made me genuine and different from the tiktok and tumblr fakers. I was really disgusted by the impact of the DID trend and even tried to make a tiktok account dedicated to spreading accurate information about DID, which again is fucking hilarious because I was neck deep in the delusion myself, but I ended up deleting the account before I even made my first video because I got paranoid about my family finding it.
I ended up going back to college in the fall, which ofc was all online because of the pandemic, and around that time I also tried to reach out and join some system discord servers that didn’t allow endos. Even the anti-endo ones were full of the kind of shit you see on this sub, and in both of the ones I joined, I was one of the older members even though I was only 20 at this point. So I left both of them because they were both terrible. Then some more shit happened, my mental health got terrible again, I dropped out of college again, my DID delusion kept getting worse but now I had a superiority complex about it because I thought that I was better than the teenagers with 500 MCYT fictives.
2021 rolled around and my mental health was all over the place, I got a job, I planned on going back to college but I was in a shitty situation with therapy and I was getting worse and worse. Basically, I stopped seeing my old therapist (at his recommendation) because I wanted to try a different EMDR therapist. I started going to the different clinic, but they were worried about giving me EMDR because I told them about the DID symptoms and they had no experience with treating someone with DID. I stayed in regular therapy but I barely saw my therapist, and they ended up discharging me because I missed too many appointments due to the fact that they were online and my connection was usually shitty. So I had no therapy and I was getting worse until I almost attempted suicide in May 2021 and ended up in the ER. Part of the reason why I was in such a bad state was because I felt so alone and scared about what I thought was DID, and I was terrified of never being able to have a normal life.
After the ER, I ended up being able to go to an intensive outpatient group therapy program, which helped me a lot, but again I never talked about DID in group therapy because I was too embarrassed. I told my new psychiatrist about what I was experiencing, and he diagnosed me with PTSD, but he didn’t diagnose me with DID because he wasn’t sure if I had it. This didn’t deter me though because I was two years deep into the delusion that I had it, that I knew my own brain better than doctors, that nothing else could explain my symptoms. And I also thought that he couldn’t diagnose me after one brief visit anyways, so I continued to think I had DID.
I ended up going back to college that fall, and I did really well. Around 2022 I started to get involved with the more “scientific” side of system tumblr and followed a lot of anti-endo blogs. At one point I even made a syscourse blog and got kind of hyperfixated on it which was extremely bad for my mental health. I read a lot of papers about DID and even tried to read a book about it (First Person Plural) but my attention span was just all over the place and I couldn’t focus on it. But I considered myself relatively well-informed about DID, which makes this all even more embarrassing to me, because I couldn’t see my own bullshit.
The worst was when I started delving into RAMCOA uncritically, and due to the way the community talks about it, I started to become scared that I experienced something RAMCOA-adjacent and couldn’t remember. Specifically, I became fixated on this memory of going to my grandma’s church when I was three, and I couldn’t remember what I ended up doing during bible school, so I became convinced something bad could have happened. I had dread surrounding the memory, which I took as a sign that something bad happened, even though the dread was probably just from all the conspiracy theory shit I was reading about children being ritualistically tortured.
There’s not really a climatic end to all of this. I just stopped “switching” more and more, stopped hearing alters, and even when I did think I switched, I wasn’t fully disconnected from myself and still had most if not all of my memories of the switch. I noticed more and more that, during switches, my alters never acted completely independently of me, even if I was convinced I was someone else. For example, my fight or flight response is typically fawning, and during fights, my supposed alters (even the “angry” or assertive ones) would always fawn and act like me when I was panicked. I chalked it all up to me being “co-conscious” and “bleeding through.” But I could never do something completely different from what I would normally do, like yell at people or start fights or physically self harm.
My long term boyfriend and I broke up in 2023 and I also fell out of a friendship in 2023, which were both really stressful and upsetting events for me, but I started to think I didn’t have DID around this time because, if I was going through something this stressful and basically felt awful in every aspect of my life, wouldn’t I be splitting or at the very least switching more? But I wasn’t at all, if anything all of my symptoms started to go away even more. I stopped thinking about it and it all just kind of stopped in general.
I think there was a combination of things happening that made me convinced I had DID. I already had PTSD and dissociative tendencies, so that didn’t help at all. I’ve had dissociative episodes so bad that I couldn’t move. I have other mental illnesses that could explain the intrusive thoughts that I thought were alters. I have both body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria, as well as generally just a lot of self-loathing and hating myself, which fueled my desire to be literally anyone other than myself. I have an extremely vivid imagination and let my anxiety get carried away a lot. I also think I was just young.
So that’s how I lost five years of my life to thinking that I had a severe mental illness that I almost definitely don’t actually have. It’s had a very negative impact on my life. It made me isolate myself from my family and friends, the stress from it made me drop out of college twice. It made me suicidal. I don’t drive because, when I had time to start working on learning how to drive and getting my license, I was terrified I would switch behind the wheel and get into an accident, so now I’m nearing 24 and I can’t drive. It made me delay getting testosterone for my gender dysphoria because I thought that my dysphoria could be linked to just having alters of different genders, so I shouldn’t have transitioned because it could have been DID-related. It made me scared to write and roleplay because I thought I would end up developing introjects of more of my characters. It made me dissociate more heavily and actively indulge in dissociating and triggering myself because I thought it made me more “valid.” It also just made me so disconnected from myself that I barely even knew who I was for five years, I was just a shell of who I used to be and fucking miserable, while actively forcing myself to be other people to cope with the fact I hated myself. Which is ofc the worst way to cope with hating yourself.
I’m just so embarrassed now because I genuinely thought I was better than this and that I was above all of the people misinformed about DID. I even considered myself relatively well-educated on it. I guess that just shows that we can convince ourselves of wild shit. I wish I didn’t spend five years of my life actively making my mental illnesses so much worse, and I wish I didn’t fall into a community that not only enabled but encouraged it.
Thank you for reading all of this and I’m sorry this was so long.

Good morning, I was hoping you could help me with some advice. My mom had to go to the hospital (US) last week for what she thought was a stroke and the cardiologist there told her they were going to give her this heart monitor and they told her it was gonna be a really small little thing that they’re putting in and it ended up being this very large, I guess about the size of a bullet implant into her chest and it’s really hurting her and it’s infected and the cardiologist is refusing to take it out.
So my mom tried going to a different ER about a week later and they told her that the only person who can take it out is the cardiologist at the first hospital.
My mom really wants to get this thing out of her chest and she can’t find anybody that will take it out.
Do you know who she can go to other than cardiologist to get this heart monitor out of her chest and get a different one put in?
My heart monitor that I got didn’t have to be implanted so I don’t understand why they even put something in there so invasive.
My mom is a very thin person and she really doesn’t have a lot of meat on her chest and it’s been hurting her this whole time.
Every morning she wakes up and it’s throbbing and she’s having panic attacks about it and she’s not sleeping and she’s sweating all night long, it’s terrible.
What’s the point of doing a heart monitor when you can’t even get a baseline because the patient is in pain constantly and having panic attacks all night?
I really wanna help her and I’m hoping you might be able to think of something that she can do to get it out and get a non-invasive one put on.