I’ve had PTSD since covid, I did biweekly therapy for 3 years, recently transitioned to every other week.
My last PHQ9 score was a 4, I was told my depression was in remission. I was told I am technically cleared to “terminate services” with my therapist based on this. I told her I didn’t feel I was ready for that, so I was reduced to once a month.
But I want to die? I’m a single parent. I am beyond burnt out. I’ve bounced back and forth from ER to LD back to ER. I love what I do. I do.
But I feel like I’m one bad day away from taking a scalpel to my carotid. I think about dying probably every day.
I’m out of sick time. I have plenty of PTO but I’m never allowed to use it because I don’t have seniority at my job and you basically have to apply for it 6+ months in advance.
I feel fine when I’m at work. It’s the day after. When I lay in bed and bed-rot all day trying to physically and mentally recover.
I’m sitting here laughing at how absurd this sounds that I’m afraid of the consequences of getting help for my suicidal ideation when the alternative is that I might literally fucking die.
Someone please tell me it gets better. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to orphan my children. I have so much to live for. I just…. I need to catch my breath.

Hey everyone, I need some help with my resume. I have based my resume on Jake's Resume template (https://www.overleaf.com/latex/templates/jakes-resume/syzfjbzwjncs), and had a question about this template:
For Jake's resume template, how would I format my resume to show that I have multiple roles with one company? For example, I was hired as a SWE for a company and with that same company I also have a non-software role. My main role is a software engineer, but I also have a lab lead role (this is leadership role where I am responsible for maintaining the lab my team and I work in). Also would non-software experience be worth it to put on the resume? Any feedback is greatly appreciated!

After 8 years of mostly doing nothing, I'm finally graduating from college. I've learned very little in college, I actually don't think I deserve the degree (I suspect that there is a strong incentive by the university to pump out as many grads as possible, but I don't know). Apart from that, I've done no internships during college and I have no research experience. My only work experience is working for about 3 months in 2022 at a McDonald's and I left because I felt like I couldn't keep up with the school work. I don't believe I left on the best of terms since I was seen as more of a subpar worker (I couldn't really keep up with the rush) and because I left before the end of my two weeks notice. I'm too embarrassed to work with my school's career center because I don't have any work experience to put on my resume and because I don't have any notable school related (or personal) projects or achievements (my GPA is a 2.6). I also don't have a good relationship with any of my professors, so I don't have anyone to vouch for me there.
I've spent so much time in college, and wasted so much of that time, that I've forgotten almost all of what I supposedly learned and I think I would seriously struggle with even the basic stuff freshmen are learning right now. I've picked up no skills that could be used for work. I'm a physics major, but I've picked up on very little programming (just a level above "Hello world!") and my math is extremely weak for a STEM major. I'd even go as far as to say that my obtainment of a degree is farcical, but I won't be the one to reject that sheet of paper.
Anyways, I'm looking for career advice. I've given the background so as to provide context on why I'm looking for advice: I'm an extremely weak grad from a comparably strong (and respected) undergraduate program that cannot possibly qualify for any positions that a typical graduate should qualify for. Embarrassingly, I also have no idea what I want to do; I know that this stuff should be sorted out in college, but I'm leaving college even more unsure of myself than when I started. I do know for a fact that I don't want to return to a minimum wage job, I don't want to work retail or customer service or go anywhere near the service/hospitality/food industry; certainly not for the long haul (at the moment, I recognize that I don't have much of a choice). I also know that my degree puts me in a position that is better than it would be if I had no degree (although I also recognize that undergrad degrees are becoming increasingly less useful for improving job prospects).
What positions or fields would you recommend I look into? I'm really looking from some sort of job where I would be allowed the time to learn something interesting, but that is probably unrealistic.
This post is very incomplete, but I cannot think of much else right now. Please, do ask questions.

Please bear with this, I'm not a regular poster.
I grew up with one of those dads who hated having two daughters and wished he had sons. I experienced firsthand him delittling me and my sister for any minor achievements and telling us we would be overtaken by the time we hit high school. To me, he was never interested at in us or what we wanted. Luckily by the time my parents got divorced when I was 14, that was the worst I had experienced. But it was so different for my sister.
It became far more sinister when my sister finally shared what had been happening to her since she was small (less than 3-4 years at least). I experienced him physically holding her down to her bed and her screaming against that from an early age and I'm ashamed to say I did not realize how abjectly wrong that was. For a long time I had no idea what I was failing to protect her from but as I got older: I am her sister and not her therapist but got her firsthand accounts (as she had the gravitas to share them) of what my father and eventually my father and stepmother subjected her to.
There is a lot ellided of course but my sister ultimately died this last autumn at the age of 29. She had been fighting so hard against what hurt her in her youth and everything she had experienced since. She did not live an absolutely angelic life but she died wanting someone to love her and give her a family. She was such a kind and forgiving person and I promise she had been living for others until the moment she died.
She overdosed on morphine taken from our grandmother after she died. She was so uncomfortable after her early life experience of being SAed by our father, I like to believe this took a lot of the pain away. We are missing years of context but i am haunted by the fact that the state of VA apparently attributes 50% of your estate to your mother and 50% to your father after your death. Is there anything I can do to keep my sister's rapist and molestor from being allotted half her estate? 🏡 lease feel free to contact me for any clarifying details. Thanks!

I wanted this to be a discussion thread for anecdotes but it turned into a very long rant instead, oops.
I'll start off with saying that something I've observed through years of navigating The System™ as a former CPS kid, is that:

1. Therapists all seem to operate from a baseline wherein all your problems exist in a perfectly compartmentalized vacuum. A lot of what is practiced in the majority of psychotherapy modalities (the only ones I haven't done are ECT/TMS because I draw a hard line at lobotomy-once-removed. I was also greenlit for ketamine infusions but I'm fucking sick of drugs robbing me of my senses.) can only work for extremely specific problems on extremely specific types of people.
2. It is up to the therapist to decide what your "big T" and "small T" traumas are, and all interactions will be structured off their perception and therefore biases. They often dismiss their clients' concerns, and always deflect with varying degrees of hostility when confronted.
3. They can't actually help you in any material capacity and may even be detrimental when you already have adequate insight into your issues and viable solutions in your own best interest.
4. The profession in itself is a neoliberalist non-solution to societal ills. They are always most preoccupied with getting you to Do The Work™ (i.e. societal assimilation), and any ideologies or personalities that deviate from their dominant cultural accepted narrative is vilified. Per bread and circuses, it will always be in the best interest of the ruling class to do whatever will keep the masses zombified into subservience and thus only ever manufacture problems and sell partial solutions that cause more problems. Something, something, imagine Sisyphus happy...
5. To quote Jenny Holzer, "Abuse of power comes as no surprise." The nature of vulnerable sector professions is that they unfortunately will draw in high achievers who (sub)consciously live for power dynamics. Those who are able to remain in the profession long term and not burn out, anyway. Some of the worst people I've personally met have been varying flavors of medical professionals, and that says a lot given that I was physically/psychologically tortured and sexually abused by my father for most of my life.

But yeah anyway, some of the shit that therapists have said with me still haunts me but in a "hahaha what the fuck" kind of way lmao.
There was one who said to me in earnest that I need to "stop listening to Coldplay and reading about climate change" when I expressed I don't see any reasons that I should participate in a collapsing society.
Another suggested that "it might help to get a grocery buggy" after disclosing that I hate being reliant on my abusive relatives for most of my essential needs because of lack of money/physical & mental capacity, in full view of her Burberry coat and BMW parked outside the window.
A few not worth mentioning would always either project their own relationship with ethnic immigrant parents onto me with bullshit like "our parents raised us the best they could" (OMG I didn't know I had a long lost sibling that they raised in secret!!! /s), or they would get obnoxiously fixated on some aspect that doesn't impact me the way they almost wanted it to? As if I would be easier for them to deal with if I was their uni textbook case study, rather than a real person with a messy background.
Most infuriatingly, my autism specialist, with a PhD in social work, kept insisting that I "belong in a university setting". She is a uni lecturer herself, and it was mostly because she personally found me "the most intruiging client [she's] had", on top of my full psych eval reporting an approximate IQ of 136.
I literally failed certain portions when it came to visual-spatial, motor, and interpersonal attributes. IQ is so bullshit anyway because it doesn't take into account how someone was raised whatsoever. Fucking duh you're going to have a "vastly superior" verbal quotient if your parents never socialized with you, left you with books as company while expecting you to be their translator.
No matter how hard I tried to drill home that I have irreparable academic trauma, never done well in any sort of academic setting in the first place, and knowing what my own limitations are, the autism specialist would chalk it up to "learned helplessness, because clearly [I] have sooo much untapped potential".
And it's not like I haven't tried everything everyone's suggested on my own terms, and came to the conclusions I have? Why the fuck would I want to embody society's idea of a failure and make my own life harder??? I am the least masochistic person I know lol, it's like none of them ever understood anything I had to say. They'll just say these things like there's a magic formula that will somehow guarantee a good life for everyone, when the reality is that not even people who don't have significant impairments, can't all "make it".
The most fucked part is that for all they bellow about Theory of Mind™ til their face turns blue, they are hilariously self-unaware that they can preach these things because every damn person I've known who's been able to achieve a MSW is naturally "high octane" and/or lives an immensely privileged life in some way or another. And it just so happens that everyone in their immediate circle is just like that, too. So from a physiological standpoint, they are ironically incapable of understanding why their clients are seemingly "helpless", which...well, kind of proves point 5 of my therapy theories lol. If they really wanted to make the world a better place, they would start by, IDK, radical reform of societal structure to render their profession obsolete--just saying ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Anyway, if you've tried everything under the sun and none of it has worked out, it's because we live in a philosophical hell simulation, not because there is anything inherently wrong with you. You are the highest authority on your own experiences, and literally everything is normal. All the physics and philosophy throughout history can't reach consensus whether or not "objective reality" exists, so all that really matters is whatever matters most to you.
I wish these were affirmations I came across long before I was spiritually declawed for being an "unsympathetic" traumatized kid. Thank you for reading if you've made it this far, and I hope you've made some of your own peace wherever you are.

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I’m looking into starting a business designed to help physical therapists and trainers find space to provide their services. I’m curious how many of you see patients one on one outside of the typical clinic setting? (Not physician directed home health). Either full time, or as a side gig after your regular clinic job. Do your patients have a gym in their home/building? Do you bring all your equipment with you? What is your biggest challenge relating to the physical spaces your treatment occurs?
Thank you to everyone who replies!

Super burnt out. My current position is destroying my life- my anxiety is out of control and my stress is beginning to impact my physical health majorly. I’m a private practice therapist.
Looking to move into something that is non clinical or at least lower stakes- but also how do I have this conversation with my boss? I’m at a small practice of four people including me- but I need to get out. Help please

Chapter 1
“Huff, huff”
Zhong Lin inhaled the heavy gray mist surrounding him, sizzling his already sore lungs. The rancid, musty air did little to soften his scowl aimed at the colossal slab of gravestone. The waning blue moon above casted eerie shadows on the ground, seemingly mocking his desperation.
A reckless punch born out of rage landed on the hard granite. But the carvings of incomprehensible beings responded with little other than broken nerves and muscles.
“HAHAHAHHAHA”
With a loud laugh of self-derision, he roughly fell on the cold, cobbled floor. The chest injury he had forgotten about flared up with the fall. He stared at the blood that flowed from his chest, akin to a river slithering down a mountain, dyeing the floor crimson.
He moved his right hand towards his chest, holding down on the wound. Physical pain was still more bearable than the heart. He had been long used to the pain. Both of heart and body.
“All that for nothing.”
A dispirited mutter left his parched lips as blood and sweat melded together. Divine sense showed his nascent soul in a similar state to his body. As the Qi and Blood competed to leave him, a strong dizziness assaulted his senses, spinning even the azure moon above.
He pulled out a jar with only one red pill left inside.
*Crunch*
Brisk chewing gave life to the hollow, misty temple of death as he gnawed on his final pill. He knew it was futile. When the slab showed no response, he already had a hunch that all his efforts were for naught. Yet, if living a mere moment would increase his non-existent odds, he would seize that moment with everything. He lost too much to stop here.
“You were wrong, father. Trying is never enough.”
Reminiscing about his lives, he couldn’t help but wonder how everything had gone so awry. When he transmigrated to this world, he thought he could redo everything.
A second, no, his first, proper chance at life.
And he had to admit, he had gotten lucky. A loving family. A shed above his head. A heart full of warmth. Brought by the simple act of his mother brushing his hair. By stern reprimands of his father as his sister laughed from behind. But that gave away to the question, had he been a bit too lucky?
“I am sorry, Rin. Your big brother is a coward.”
They say that your life flashes past your eyes before you meet your end. He could not confirm it in his last life, perhaps because he did not have a life worth remembering, but now he could see it clearly.
A scene that frequented him in his nightmares.
It was midnight when the mournful shrieks broke him out of dreams. He sat up to muffled screams, fizzling out, one after another. Even the unending darkness of night was eclipsed by an emerald hue, bleeding into his room from the small crevices of the windows.
From an interstice he watched the man in black robe. With a glowing blade, the dark figure painted the snow in crimson. He saw his father among them, kneeling. A warning in his eyes met his own. And he raced like hell itself chased him, away from the nauseating scent of blood.
And quickly hid inside the house, going away from his room. As fear grasped his soul, the realization hit, his sister was still sleeping, unaware of the carnage outside. Before he could reach out, a footstep froze him, burning him with a primal fear. Only a small, sleepy “Big brother?” reached him, before his heartbeats taking over once again.
But fear whispered at him, to not breathe, to not move, to not go. And he caved in to it, paralyzed, until the screams stopped and the morning sun shone. Only then did he go out, finding her there, lying peacefully.
Only, a bit of perplexity in her azure eyes, which had long lost all semblance of life. Her eyes would continue to stare at him, every night.
Like they did right now as his vision blurred.
“I am sorry, Rin. It should have been me.”
He croaked. There is no pill for regret. Like a gut punch it hit. Often, he wondered why he had been left alive. Before, he thought it was due to him hiding well, but only later did he know that he was spared. After all, there was nowhere to hide from a divine sense.
Sound sleep became a thing of luxury from then on as nightmares took over. Thus, a ten-year-old made revenge his life goal.
But it did not take him long to realize that smarts could not overpower those with the strength to break mountains. Hence, he ran after power, meticulously scheming. Ten years a valet of nobles. Hundreds a slave to immortals. Thousands of years of cultivation. Only to find an answer to one question.
Why was he spared on the night of snowfall?
But efforts matter less where talent is venerated. What took him years took the man of his nightmares a day to accomplish. And by the time Zhong Lin reached nascent soul, his figure of vengeance had long surpassed him by an impossible margin. And he despaired, for as long as he remembered.
Until Requiem landed on his hand, that is. A book of a God long forgotten. A different path to power, beyond what immortals could ever hope to accomplish. And he did whatever the book told him. For that was his only hope.
He found the missing pieces, assembled them, piece by piece. Hiding, running, stealing, slaughtering. Funnily enough. all his efforts only led to him creating his own burial. Perhaps it was karma. Slowly, He felt impending death crawling on his skin as the smell of blood got thicker and thicker.
Faintly, a sound of footsteps could be heard from afar. The firm noise of boots steadily made its way, like death. Inevitable.
Zhong mustered all his remaining strength to stand up, amplifying the dizziness. He had a faint idea of what approached him.
He who led him to the pit of hell.
A black silhouette wearing a gray overcoat slowly emerged from the haze of mist, holding a yellow lantern in his hand. Yet, all the light avoided his visage, scattering before reaching the inky blackness.
“To be honest, I never imagined that you would actually manage to find it yourself.” Zhong Lin’s face crumbled as he listened to the deep, gruff voice mocking him, but he had little to return to the derision reaching his ears. “I must thank you for saving me the trouble.”
Zhong Lin numbly gazed at the figure that went beyond his understanding. A being made of the vast cosmos. Hands made of stars, a face that resembled eternal darkness.
“Sorry. Kid. There was never any inheritance.” Zhong Lin listened to the voice that sounded like a death sentence. In his journey, he had considered many times a question, What if he does not get the inheritance? But he never considered that there was no inheritance to begin with. But all the despair only left as the haze cleared, and a profound numbness filled all that was hollow in his heart.
“Kid” A soft voice reached the ears of the listless Zhong Lin. He watched the inky black around the cosmic figure leave as he brought the lantern up. But more than that familiar voice and face, what brought him more despair is the one single line. “Do you remember the night of snowfall?”
No. It could not have been that early!
His face scrunched up, forming an expression of madness again, his knuckles cracking as they turned white. “Old hermit.” He whispered. He finally connected all the dots. It was not just after he got Requiem. For his entire life, he was but a simple pawn. Chess piece right from the very start of his journey. A mantis unaware of the oriole behind.
No wonder. The only reason why he managed to survive the impossible odds so far was because a higher being was aiding him. He attributed the random burst of luck and lucky encounters to destiny, thinking the world itself wanted him to succeed. How foolish of him when fate has done nothing but mock him.
He stared at the peaceful face of an old hermit; someone he had known for ages. His benefactor, a lifesaver many times,. “Kid, don’t misunderstand. It was never personal.”
“Why?” A quivering voice escaped Zhong Lin’s lips as all of his expression left his face, leaving numbness occupying it once again.
“Why was I spared?” He stared at the being that seemed eternal by now once again, with a black face, hands like the cosmos holding onto a lantern.
Old hermit laughed at the question. “Would you believe me if I said everything was merely a coincidence?”
Zhong Lin watched the burning golden eyes on his eternal black visage peek at his soul. Unfeeling, cold, relishing in his nightmare, refusing to fulfill even his final wish.
And he decided, right there.
The runic seals around his soul unchained as he quickly compressed the Qi on the bead, something he had been keeping inside his soul for a long while. The thunder and fire souls mixed together, creating a mad frenzy of Qi inside him. Soon, all seven souls were burning madly, before destroying themselves within seconds, like an avalanche of Qi.
*BOOOOOOMMMMMM*
The nascent soul destruction created a feint as he propelled the bead forward, to the middle of the gravestone, to the piece he had forged himself. He watched with his dimming divine sense as the bead slowly made its way with a bit of hope, to destroy one of the stones, to stop whatever his plan was.
But right before the bead could reach it. Hermit waved his hand, stopping all the chaotic movement of Qi and soul. Zhong Lin’s final bit of hope died out as he reached his eternal end.
“Almost succeeded. But you were too desperate.” The hermit laughed as he watched the desperate Zhong Lin’s final attempt. Walking towards the frozen bead, he stared at the brewing Qi that would have certainly taken down the entire temple if it hit. .
“And even if you damaged it, it would have only brought me a mild inconvenience.” He ran his fingers on the gravestone, muttering softly. A laughter of elation resounded in the empty hall as he brought out a key from his overcoat. As soon as the key reached the stone, a small hole opened up, like it was made for it. With a clink, the rectangular slab of granite transformed, into a small, unassuming olden black book.
A single ancient word was written on the black cover.
Requiem
“Right? Requiem.”
He stared at the bloody mess caused by the splattered organs and blood on the stone walls. Although he protected himself and Requiem, he shared not that feeling about the old temple of death. He gazed at the detonated Qi that intermixed with the soul energy, all seven souls had been unchained and intermixed.
“Did not even leave yourself a path out for reincarnation. But, kid, you may have chosen well.”
A sigh escaped his lips as he walked off into the dark maws of the door. As he left the temple, it broke down, piece by piece. The large pillars slowly slid underground like it were submerging in water, along with the rest of the temple, disappearing like it never existed, taking with it Zhong Lin's remains. From now on, the old temple of death will have never existed, alongside Zhong Lin.
Or that’s what was supposed to happen.
But an anomalous corruption in time and space was brewing,

Every single mistake I make or instance of mistreating another person, I think back and I feel so horrible and guilty. I have never tried to intentionally hurt a person in my life ever unless they deeply and truly hurt me. But I just make bad decisions. When I was untreated bipolar for years as a teen I made horrible decisions, sought sexual attention by dressing very provocatively, I had been manipulative.
Honestly I still can be very manipulative which I also feel very guilty about. I don't realize I'm being manipulative until later. I'm manipulative with toxic people but not kind and nice people i guess.
I'm now treated bipolar and doing so much better. But Every single day I overthink every mistake I've ever made and I just feel a pit in my stomach. Throughout every single bad decision I've made, I genuinely never had an intention to hurt anyone. I've never ever wanted to hurt someone on purpose in my life unless they deeply hurt me first. I just feel so much remorse regret and guilt. I want to hug every single person I've ever hurt and apologize.
I was told growing up I was so caring and sweet and I can't help but feel like it was a facade or something. I've always gone out of my way to help people because I love helping others more than I love helping myself. I let people walk all over me and cross my boundaries constantly. I let myself be abused.
In my most recent relationship I did everything for him. I cooked his favorite meals, I was his therapist, I did everything I possibly could to make him feel happy. I was the only person in his life to ever ask him how he felt. And I tried to the extreme to make him feel loved and cared for. I feel he may have been a psychopath. I started looking up ways to form a healthy relationship with a psychopath because I could feel his hurt every time I looked into his eyes.
I empathized with him and his pain so much. But he cheated, physically and emotionally hurt me, tracked my location without sharing his, he threatened me, pressured me to do things sexually. I put up with so much because I love him. I convinced myself I was the problem and I felt horrible but I eventually had to block him and leave his things outside my house. I am haunted with nightmares, of him crying and saying he knew this would happen. I don't feel bad for myself for the abuse I endured. I feel incredibly horrible for potentially hurting him by breaking up with him.
I can't deal with the guilt. I decided from this past relationship that I must be a narcissist because how could I possibly leave him so callously, block him leave his things outside. After he pressured me sexually for the last time and I had enough.
I don't know how to make things right. I feel so guilty every single day. I never want to hurt anyone ever. I have never even hurt bugs or eaten animals. I feel the animals and bugs pain when I see them dead. It breaks my heart. I havent eaten an animal since I was 8. Yet I make stupid decisions as a narcissist and I don't realize I'm hurting people until its too late. How can I feel so much empathy and sadness with animals and bugs but when it comes to humans I sometimes don't feel these things in the moment of hurting someone who has hurt me, until I realize I have hurt them and done something wrong?
How do you guys overcome guilt?

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I'm pretty sure I have pelvic floor dysfunction. Also, my abs get tight sometimes and sore, almost like I just worked out. Generally it's the worst after sitting for a while. The tightness is usually worse to the right and left of my belly button near my hips and right below my belly button.
I told my primary care doc about my ab and pelvic pain and he referred me for blood labs and ultrasound which all came back normal. I told him I am very confident this is a muscular issue and that I wanted to see a physical therapist but he still wants me to get a colonoscopy first, even though I've had no problems with pooping or anything digestive. I'm considering just scheduling a physical therapy appointment on my own because I really feel like its a muscular issue and the colonoscopy seems like it'll be a hassle and a waste of time. What do you guys think?

First Previous Wiki
Penny gazed at the quartet of Elders. They were all wearing the merchandise she remembered from the last Judgment, which was exceedingly awkward. Mainly because they were wearing shirts with her face on them. But it was also oddly endearing, in a way. Until now, she hadn't seen too many Elders that were on her side.
Elders that weren't just Kashaunta or the familiar faces she already knew, like Spentha or Rho and Sai, actually showing appreciation of her, felt odd. Even if these ones went a little too far in it.
"You're even more beautiful in person, Liberator," one said.
"Uh, thanks. I appreciate that. I'm glad that you all like me. Rho and Sai told me that you all are interested in something I can give you?"
"Yeah. Maybe a short interview? We won't be like that airhead reporter. We'll ask the good questions."
"Yep, we will."
"Right then," Penny said. "Well, I'm glad to meet you."
"Thank you. Now that we're here, we'd like to know how you plan on taking care of the gang leaders."
"Well, presumably by imprisoning them. I don't think they deserve to die, even if others do. I'll leave that decision up to Justicar and his various judges in the criminal system."
Penny didn't like having to lie blatantly. She wanted to kill the slavers quite brutally, but doing that was a bad idea right now. Saying it also was a bad idea, for a similar reason. And Justicar's system was worryingly preferential to Elders, from what she'd looked up after the meeting with Pundacrawla.
"Aren't you worried that the Judges won't give proper justice?"
"I trust Justicar to do everything that is necessary."
Another lie. Justicar would do whatever he could to maintain his image. Hopefully, that wouldn't be at the cost of the Alliance's very existence.
"Got it. By the way, what's it like being human? Walking on only two legs. It seems kind of unstable. Do you fall a lot?"
A genuine curiosity from them was another breath of fresh air. It was the kind of question a quadruped would definitely ask, which put her more at ease about the nature of what they were trying to do. Even more than their evident support of her, with all the merch they were wearing. Penny felt a smile crack at the corners of her lips, unbidden.
"Not really. We can use our arms to steady ourselves pretty well. Obviously it's not as easy to balance on our two legs as it is with your four, but it's still good enough. In fact, the sprinters in the Olympics use all four limbs, since running as fast as possible also requires pumping our arms. As for what it's like to be human, it's hard to describe. For many of us, it will feel colder or warmer than Sprilnav would feel in the same temperatures, due to thinner skin. Our eyesight is more frontal than yours, given our lack of snouts, so our blindspots are a lot bigger. Our feet require shoes for rough ground, and we heal slower than you by around 20%. We can't really clack our jaws to the scale that you can, though we can make them meet."
Penny bared her teeth, showing as she opened and closed her mouth. It was nice to be able to talk about things like this.
"The Olympics?" one of them asked.
"It's a competition about athletics," Penny said. "Running, jumping, throwing, diving, swimming, skiing, snowboarding, and a lot of sports. There's specific divisions, too. Like how there's a 100 meter dash, 200 meter dash, 400 meter dash, and even an 800 meter dash for those with high levels of psychic energy. Though really, psychic energy and genetic editing have been messing with the events for a while now. And there's a Winter, Summer, and Space Olympics, each with different sorts of events. They move from city to city, though the Space Olympics are pretty much always on either Luna, Ceres, or Mercury. There's a lot more information out there on various events, but it's an old cultural practice revered by the entire species. Even more so since Phoebe's increased the prize pools for everyone."
"How does your species handle space in general? I know that you guys did things way differently before First Contact."
"We did. Mining companies kept tight control on all asteroid mining, while nations controlled planets like Earth and Mars and large planetary bodies like Luna. Supposedly, a few people planned for a cloud city on Venus, but we couldn't risk having such a vulnerable population because they'd have to rely on giant balloons to survive. That would probably be the least secure way to live, given the existence of rogue organizations and all that.
As for spaceships, most of them since we really colonized Luna come equipped with spacesuit bays, zero gravity water and food packs, oxygen tanks, emergency seats, specialized anti-micrometeorite hulls, and radiation shielding. A lot of the older military ships also were equipped with big radiators until World War Three, when it all became masses of drone warfare, with the big ships kept mainly for cargo and lanes where mass drone control was impossible.
Once the Vinarii came and we got shields, we started building big again. After all, it provided a huge number of jobs, and in the post-war economies, especially with VIs in place, a lot of people needed work. But we still go and do asteroid and moon mining, star lifting, and energy gathering. We built an orbital ring around Mercury, the closest planet to Sol, to help with all of that. It doubles as a production hub, too. Now, it's all in more systems and with a lot more friends."
"Speaking of aliens, what theory does your people have on why so many creatures resemble one another? Our jaws are adapted for hard shelled creatures, and we're told that many planets have oddly similar variations of those."
"Crabs."
She guessed what they were getting at.
It is odd, isn't it? Nilnacrawla observed.
Perhaps that is another one of the Source's whims, Penny thought.
Maybe.
A few of the Elders made exclamations of shock.
"You even have a word for them that directly translates!"
Penny chuckled. "Yeah, carcinization is a bit of a meme in the science community. But I've heard the most mainstream theories since the First Contact are that the Source itself is uncreative. It has a certain template of creatures which it largely doesn't alter, though it can take in inputs from beings close to it, perhaps even influencing them."
"Influencing them?"
"Yes. Modern depictions of wendigoes, folkloric creatures from North America, a continent on Earth, are shockingly similar to the Knowers in appearance. The internet depictions of them in particular like to emphasize canine qualities, and often show them with skulls visible directly, and with dark brown or black fur. Recent depictions, as in the past 300 years, differ from their original appearances quite significantly, with the canine characteristics in particular being enhanced.
We have sorted through all known images of these creatures and found roughly 80% similarity with the Knowers and tens of thousands of images that are literally exactly the same as Knowers. The ones we searched all came before World War Three, far before even the First Contact with the Vinarii, much less the Knowers who were entirely underground at the time due to the radiation of their home star. We believe that the Source managed to influence this facet of human culture with the actual existence of a real creature.
Other examples exist, like how the Trikkec look very similar to Komodo Dragons, Vinarii look very similar to insects known as a mantis, and the Acuarfar look exactly like insects known as wasps with the single exception of their furry snouts and green instead of yellow markings. The Sprilnav species itself shares high amounts of similarity with a fictional species known as Elites in early 2000s culture, particularly with your jaws, though you all have red skin instead of grey or brown.
The Junyli, Dreedeen, and the wanderers are the main species without high amounts of appearance in our cultures at some point. This correlates with the idea of the Source being the influencer, as their predecessors all were used to fight it. Many species of the galaxy look like parts of our culture or Earth's creatures. The proximity of these examples makes this far more suspicious than if they were across the galaxy.
But since they existed first, the only answer must be that the Source brought the influence to us first and planted the ideas in our heads. As for the ones which look like Earth creatures, all of them are old enough evolutionary branches that copying from them to Earth makes more sense. Though the references centering around the early 2000s is quite odd, it is also roughly when the internet came into wide existence, so it is also possible the Source gave the ideas a push so they would propagate, for an unknown reason. Like if it seeded the ideas that propagated across the early global network Humanity used."
"Hmm. Fascinating. We've seen evidence of the 'seeding' process among some historical nations near the galactic region of Earth before. So the Source re-uses and alters depictions of life and also life itself?"
"Maybe," Penny said. "Unless the Source is more directly tied to life than we think. There's a conceptual Death, but no conceptual Life. Isn't that odd?"
"Conceptual Life died in the Source war."
How did that really work, though? Penny asked Nilnacrawla.
Imagine a conceptual being. A few of the Progenitors, as well as Narvravarana, went up to try to harvest its power. It refused, and Narvravarana used its unique abilities to try and force the deal.
Why was your civilization like this?
Excess and greed, partly. But we couldn't really do much more expansion. Vertical expansion also had its limits if we wanted to remain relevant for the remaining lifespan of the universe. So Narvravarana, along with a few of the greatest rulers and leaders of Sprilnav society, started looking to other dimensional planes. They figured it was best not to let the problem get too much worse. Or at least, that is what they say. I believe it was to harvest more resources to use against our surrounding enemies.
You didn't have any allies? Penny asked.
At that time, all the powers of the universe were enemies. All the allies eventually merged through millions of years of normalization. We happened to get on the universal stage the earliest, so other civilizations we encountered had little choice but to surrender their independence. Some fought, others didn't, but the outcome was the same.
That seems terrible.
It was, though the other universal civilizations were no better. Some of them just exterminated all alien life they found that couldn't fight back. In that sense, the pre-war Sprilnav civilization was one of the greatest, and that's why I fought for them. Obviously, I'm biased in that regard, though.
Thanks for telling me, father.
No problem, Penny.
She refocused back on the conversation at hand.
"But a thing cannot be alive if it dies. The concept of life doesn't work that way. So maybe the Source just... took in the concept of life? Or absorbed it into whatever psychic energy really is, considering that it's responsible for all of our existence?"
"That's so crazy it might actually be true," one of the Elders said. "You're incredible, Penny."
"Uh, thanks. You're all pretty great too." Her eyes drifted to the images of herself on their clothing. She couldn't really help it.
"I have a question for you."
"Yes?"
"Do you know what I'm fighting for?"
"I assume since you're asking it here, you don't just want a one word answer," an Elder said. "I would say yes, and for the liberation of the Sprilnav from the stain of slavery. Though going deeper into your history, you have also fought for other species, either in wars or just generally moving around. It does look aimless, mostly, since the galaxy's so big. But I'm sure you've got a way through that."
"In some way. Part of why I'm here isn't just about my people. It was at first, I admit that. But as I have lived here, on Justicar, for days and weeks, I've seen you less as alien. It makes it easier for sympathy and easier to break out of simple mindsets. So far, there are many problems, but there are distinct pieces. The first is that many people want to uphold slavery. I'm not sure why, but they do. It isn't profitable, and it isn't moral. Robots are cheaper in every way, and don't need food or water.
That means it's illogical or emotional. So I could try and solve the problem with violence alone, but it won't be addressing the cause, only the symptoms. I need to get to the heart of the matter. And I think it has to do with Elders' memories and the gradual woes they have accumulated going through life. I don't want to tear that away or drug them into believing they're fine. I want to find a way to outlet that productively. The second part I have identified is scale. The galaxy is enormous, and your species is incredibly numerous. I could fight planet by planet for the rest of my life, and liberation would still be difficult.
That also means I'd need a better way of doing things. Maybe an economic or political incentive. Emotional reasons will not work permanently, nor will logic, since we are in this situation. I have found several ways to address this. Sadly, since the gangs are likely monitoring this feed, I can't just outright say my strategy. All I can ask you all to do is to believe. Believe that I have a solution, and that I and those who stand with me are working on it. Believe in me because I believe in you."
None of the Elders questioned or ridiculed her words. Most of it was because they were fans of her. But one of them, an Elder named Rahautiti, had a distinct glint in his eye. Their gazes met only momentarily, but Penny could tell he knew.
And so she appeared in the mindscape, even as they concluded the interview, which would be the first of many. It was a ploy to just talk about human culture and ideals a bit more, to get it out there. Because the hivemind's theory was correct.
In the universe, ideas had power. That power could be weaponized against those who previously stood to gain. The first part of it was the image: Nova as an unbeatable bastion. Lecalicus as the Beast, a monster capable of star-crushing rage. Twilight as... whatever she did. Penny wasn't really familiar with the Progenitor's image too much, and the various names, like the Silent Night or the Smiling Darkness, were just so unbelievably edgy she cringed every time she recalled them.
But Rahautiti understood so she moved her mindscape avatar to see him.
"Hello again, Penny. I am no threat."
"I know. I'm glad that your group is led by someone as capable as you, as well as the other groups you dabble within."
"Who discovered it?"
"Phoebe. You met with Ezeonwha, and the android wanted to ensure you weren't a way for Yasihaut to kill him."
"Yeah. We did get approached about that, actually. We're supposed to kill Ezeonwha when you walk into the Judgment hall. Of course, we won't do this, and she won't be able to retaliate against us easily while there."
"Thank you for your honesty, Elder," Penny said. "It seems I'm in your debt."
"Nonsense. 2,839. That is the number of children I have had. 2,626. That is the number of children of mine which were enslaved. The remaining 213 died in unrelated incidents, with nearly half of those involving slavers killing them. I remember all of their names, and all of their faces, Penny. I want all the slavers in this universe dead."
"I cannot achieve that."
"You cannot," Rahautiti agreed. "Not with my help or even that of Kashaunta and Lecalicus. And certainly not right now. I have not lived this long to be incapable of compromise or patchwork solutions. You show great promise. I understand your aversion to killing and the circumstantial reason why you are not doing so now. I will not grow upset if you do not resume killing when the Judgment ends. Nor do I harbor a grudge against you for the speeding space entity you left outside the room to avoid uncomfortable publicity. You are incredibly young.
A sliver of a life. But you are strong, and you are mature. That sliver of your lifespan already outshines all I could do with a trillion more years, Penny. You are right in that this isn't something you can punch your way through. Trauma is part of why slavery still exists, despite it being a wholly unjust reason for the Elders to make such a sport of it. I am sure you know the story of the war, with a great hero in your head and Kashaunta at your side. My line of work is what I started to help you. Every thought about you being the Liberator, every eye that glances on you freeing slaves, helps you to gather conceptual energy. My talent happens to be great enough to sense the Pact of Blades you have, as well. If you want, I can teach you how to hide the mark on your soul and your mind."
"I would like that, yes," Penny said. "And thank you for being so reasonable. I will ask Kashaunta to protect you from what consequences come for refusing the offer on Ezeonwha."
"There are going to be attacks on him, you know. Him and your ship."
Penny felt an odd feeling in her soul. Cardi's power flared around him, and she squinted at the sky. She just barely saw a sliver of a tentacle. Most would have mistaken it for a normal speeding space entity. But here? On Justicar, with Exile obviously not being the cause?
Only one being would cause that. Fate.
Given the subject of their conversation, it was obvious what was going on.
Penny tapped Rahautiti's jaw, adding a thin mark of conceptual power so she could easily find him again. She focused on the conceptual mark she'd left on Ezeonwha. A twinge of conceptual energy came from it. It was accompanied by various impressions, like fear, pain, and acceptance.
"I have to go," Penny said. "I will be back later. Displace."
She appeared next to the 102nd Visitor Welcome Office but not next to Ezeonwha. It was carnage everywhere she looked.
"Champion!" an unknown Elder yelled. "I am Elder Na-"
Her rising fury surged, and it took all she had not to dismember him. The distant thought of the Judgment stayed her hands, though only just.
Penny's fist collided with the Elder's jaw at twice the speed of sound. A piece of his jaws flew free. Bone fragments hit the ground behind him. Hundreds of soldiers fired on her, and she slammed them to the ground with pure will. Penny tore their guns away and sent them each to pummel the Elder in front of her with as much brutality as she could. His powerful armor wasn't as capable of defense against physical attacks as it was against her psychic energy, and so he fell.
"You... cannot save him," the Elder spat. Fields of psychic suppression fell upon her, reducing her power.
"Manipulation through Determination," Penny growled. "De-"
No! Nilnacrawla said. Do not kill him! Not yet!
"What goes up will go down."
Air hardened around the Elder and accelerated rapidly.
The Elder smashed into the shield five miles above with a speed just slow enough that he wouldn't die. He fell from it and then hit it again at a more modest speed. He'd bounce on that until the Guides came to get him.
But Penny had another target. One she had to save instead of attack.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
High Judge Tassidonia awoke to the sound of explosions. He grabbed his swords, his main gun, and the personal shield he reserved for only the most dire occasions. The sky was erupting in war all around him, and buildings were already falling nearby. The spires of skyscrapers rained down upon the entrances to the Underground, crushing thousands of fleeing Sprilnav under their wide impacts.
His implant identified members of the gangs nearby, making their way to his home.
"Retribution Cycle!" Tassidonia cried. A hidden door opened, and he boarded a small hovercraft that sported a high amount of defensive and offensive technology, a gift from Justicar for dealing with all that he had related to the Judgment. Only this time, he wouldn't be on the next one. But already, the destruction was spreading.
Micro-missiles rained upon friend and foe alike. Several detonated against the layered shields. The mounted turrets on the side of his hoverbike shot lasers into the enemies his implant identified.
"Elder Tassidonia!" an Elder cried nearby. "For the crime of defying the will of-"
Tassidonia called his fury to bear. He rammed his mind into the enemy Elder, disorienting her. She reeled, about to attack, when a thick laser smashed into her chest. It pushed her against the wall, and Tassidonia kept the pressure up until her body melted. He listened to her screams impassively, occasionally sending blasts from his gun at the gangs when their members started to stray too close.
The thick red beam did its work within twenty pulses. His swords began to float beside him, keeping pace as he sped away from his home. The entire apartment complex shuddered and began to lean, its foundation being destroyed by some effect below. Tassidonia abandoned it with only minor regret. He'd known this moment would come. Everything he needed was already with him.
He linked into the Guide network, directing squadrons to attack the breaches he'd identified. Orbital strikes fell upon them in quick succession. Thick beams of light pierced through the lower planetary shields from orbital platforms, their guns honing in on Justicar's enemies. Tassidonia's implant was linked to the grid as well. So when he eyed buildings occupied with too many gang members, orbital strikes fell on them a few pulses later.
Fire and plasma rained all around him. Explosions and smoke blossomed all around him. More missiles fell from his hovercraft. A fighter ship appeared beside him, its simple stealth revealing itself to his eyes. Tassidonia waited for the pilot chamber to open, and his craft stowed itself behind him when he got in. It was fully equipped, so soon, Tassidonia was in full control of a weapon of war.
His first order of business was detecting the gangs' most fortified areas. He peppered those bases in shield-weakening mines, followed by bunker-buster missiles. Several anti-air turrets hit him, but his shields prevented them from taking him down. He dropped three high-end Butcher Androids into the fray of the largest battles.
One of the adjacent fighter wings in the separate shield sector dropped a nuke. At that moment, Tassidonia made a decision.
Whatever insanity was going on right now wasn't worth staying here on his own. He turned his ship upward, narrowly avoiding nearly fifty missiles shot from another gang fortress, which was really just the lower floors of a supermarket. Thick slabs of concrete were being set up by androids and slaves from the Underground. All he could do was watch from above and attempt to mark those that might be a problem.
Justicar's Grand Fleet was moving in, though only the carriers and their escorts were doing anything of any scale. The armies were mobilizing, and it seemed that war had finally broken out. Justicar, while isolated due to the Judgment, would have to win a war that threatened to topple his rule entirely.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Ezeonwha woke when the walls around him shuddered.
An earthquake?
Groggily, he activated the lights in the room. Phoebe's android was charging in the wall. Her limbs swayed with the motion. The walls shuddered again, and the lights went out. Thin, tiny cracks spread in the walls, increasing his worry factors massively. His implant notified him that this wasn't a dream. Distant screams reached his ears, and he went to the window.
Hordes of Sprilnav were running on the ground, tripping over each other to escape. He heard the thump of footsteps approaching from outside. The android activated, standing up.
"Move away from the doo-"
An explosion tossed him across the room. A Sprilnav carrying some sort of mouth weapon faded into view for a moment, smoke recalibrating the stealth field. And then he was gone. Phoebe smashed into the Sprilnav, her fists pummeling the assassin faster than Ezeonwha could comprehend.
Phoebe's arms turned into swords, and she stabbed the Sprilnav at least fifty times in a single pulse. She turned to grab him, but before she reached him, a second explosion sent him flying out of the now-shattered window.
The massive skyscraper loomed large, and he saw the ground beneath it ripple. Dull thumps sounded from below, and large, circular caverns opened beneath the 102nd Visitor Welcome Office. The whole building started to list forward, and Ezeonwha frantically activated his emergency personal shield as he started falling faster and faster. A bullet hit the shield. And then a second one. Gunshots echoed out in the distance, and he saw other Sprilnav falling from broken windows in the falling skyscraper. Gunfire erupted on the streets as Guides engaged a growing army of attackers bubbling up from basements of shops and businesses.
He saw spurts of blood exit the Sprilnav nearest him, bullets tearing holes through the woman's body. Piercing screams surrounded him, a terrible chorus that reminded him of the worst wars he'd fought in. But here, his training could do nothing. She was already dead, and he knew that he was the target of this whole attack. His eyes watered, and Ezeonwha felt so powerless. So useless.
A Corrector emerged from the side of the tilting skyscraper, eyes fixed on Ezeonwha. Then he looked down. Somehow, Ezeonwha knew when the orders had been sent. He knew that it was Astipra in the distance, a jetpack on his shoulders burning a thick flame beneath him.
Astipra looked back at the building and flew toward it. Ezeonwha felt the wind rushing past the shield as pressure. Astipra, far above, vaporized falling chunks of the skyscraper with blasts from his arm cannons. He pressed back against the skyscraper, the jetpack going into overdrive. The metal bent inward, and the groaning and twisting structure continued its fall. Blasts of light from Astipra again vaporized the set of falling chunks.
"Penny," he said. It was almost a prayer, really. His desperate mind was scrambling for whatever it could get. "Please, save me!"
He didn't know if she could hear him. Logically, it was impossible. And in a battle such as this, unlikely as well. Rippling explosions erupted across the facade of the falling skyscraper as rockets struck it. More explosions bloomed as lasers from distant police vehicles, Guides, and Astipra destroyed more of the fast-flying missiles and rockets. They pounded on the world around him, a horde of madness threatening to break his brain. He could feel the wind and gravity equalize as he reached terminal velocity.
And all he could see was the world descending into war around him. The 102nd Visitor Welcome Office continued to slump and lean against Astipra's best efforts. More bullets hit Ezeonwha's personal shield, and peppered the Guides moving over to save him. Air ambulances were shot from the sky. Even small fighter crafts were shot down by powerful ground lasers. EMPs thumped, disabling all the higher functions of his implant before he could think to use it.
A much larger explosion bloomed out, and Ezeonwha followed the rocket's trail to an Elder on the ground, standing in the wreckage surrounding a sudden tunnel opening. The Elder stared at him in glee, and he lined up another shot. Two Guides fell upon the Elder, who flew up using a jetpack to cut them in half with his sword. A hard light hologram lifted a large gun, pointing at Ezeonwha as he fell.
His eyes widened. Ezeonwha did everything he could. He angled his legs and arms. He pushed at the air. He even hefted the meager psychic energy he had, struggling with all his soul to escape the death he could feel was coming to him.
Guides swarmed beyond the shield appearing, while gang soldiers died by the hundreds to carpet bombing. Personal shields sprang up to block the explosions, and the Elder had survived. A thick red laser cut one of the fighters in half from the smoke. Above him, the collapsing facade of the skyscraper consumed Astipra entirely, though large gouts of plasma and thick explosions emerged from within. He could survive if it fell upon him, but Ezonwha could not.
Penny materialized far below, closer to the field of battle. A sweeping wave of gang members began disappearing. A bullet smashed into her head and her stomach, detonating in bright explosions. A personal shield flared and disappeared. Missiles and lasers slammed into Penny by the thousands as psychic energy gathered. A constant roll of words fell from her tongue, but without his implant, they were not translated.
Missiles crumbled into dust. Lasers impacted raw space in front of Penny before bending down and back to their origins, destroying automated turrets. Bullets still hit Penny and the Guides by the thousands, firing too quickly and densely for her to entirely block. But the large ordnance from the gangs continued to work against them.
Penny looked around, confusion evident on her face. But amidst the thousands of wounded and dead Sprilnav falling from the broken windows, Ezeonwha was hidden too well.
Shattering glass could be constantly heard, and he could feel the distant screams in his soul. A bullet smashed into his personal shield again, disabling it. A pulse later, he lost feeling in his legs.
He tried to reach out to her mind, but the war in the mindscape was equally intense. Too many Elders and Guides battling it out along with various suppression artifacts made it all impossible. He could sense Penny's influence, but couldn't directly reach her.
He let out a breath, knowing it to be the final one.
I'm sorry, Penny, Ezeonwha thought.
I wish you luck in the Judgment, and I am sorry I caused this to happen to you.
Penny finally appeared in front of him, eyes wide-
Blood erupted. A searing pain in his head told him his implant had just shorted out. And in the mindscape, he saw a mental attack heading for him, its brutal power evident. He closed his eyes.

i pushed everything away. I pushed away most of the friends i've had this past month, pushed away my ex because I couldn't fucking communicate about ANYTHING without getting aggressive and going to extreme measures to avoid feeling abandoned, attempted suicide, carved more physical scars on myself, deleted most of my social media, and spent the past 6 months sabotaging my own life. I'm getting therapy for the first time in a while next week but i'm honestly fucking terrified i'll push my therapist away too. i've been weaned off my old medication and I'm taking new meds soon. I dont know how to forgive myself because I have done some unexcusable things over the past 3 years. I cannot go a day without thinking that I was never actually wronged in any situation and that I was the perpetrator of everything. that I cant trust myself. I hate myself so much and I can't go a week without lashing out at myself and my family. I don't know what the future holds for me. I'm terrified. I've beentrying to focus on my hobbies, talk to one friend i DO have, but nothing os working. I'm supposed to go on a vacation this next week but I cant be fucking happy about it because I don't think i DESERVE it. I despise myself. I'm a terrible person. I just want to be better and I cant because I know i can never change no matgwr how hard I try and I'll always push away the things that are good for me. I'm scared that therapy won't do anything and I'm just going to keep doing the same shit i've always been doing. Im so sorru for everytbing .

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It was an uphill battle but I finally got visual fire alarms installed in my condo unit. But here's the problem. Who is responsible to cover the fees?
before I moved into the condo, I informed both the realtors and landlords that I need strobes (aka visual fire alarms) installed in the condo unit as I don't wear hearing aids to sleep. They are all aware.
When I moved in, it wasn't even installed. I had to take it upon myself to call different people and finally got the property manager involved. She found someone who was able to install the strobes. This took FOUR months. I was afraid of going to sleep, not knowing if I would be able to survive a fire.
Then I got the invoice. I emailed it to the landlord as I was told that they are responsible for paying. I got an email from the landlord that I should have spoken with them first. They said that they needed to approve and authorize "physical changes" to the unit. As far as I''m concerned, getting visual fire alarms is an accommodation, not just a physical change.
I have email documentation that the landlord was already aware in the beginning. So who is responsible to cover the fees?

It was an uphill battle but I finally got visual fire alarms installed in my condo unit. But here's the problem. Who is responsible to cover the fees?
before I moved into the condo, I informed both the realtors and landlords that I need strobes (aka visual fire alarms) installed in the condo unit as I don't wear hearing aids to sleep. They are all aware.
When I moved in, it wasn't even installed. I had to take it upon myself to call different people and finally got the property manager involved. She found someone who was able to install the strobes. This took FOUR months. I was afraid of going to sleep, not knowing if I would be able to survive a fire.
Then I got the invoice. I emailed it to the landlord as I was told that they are responsible for paying. I got an email from the landlord that I should have spoken with them first. They said that they needed to approve and authorize "physical changes" to the unit. As far as I''m concerned, getting visual fire alarms is an accommodation, not just a physical change.
I have email documentation that the landlord was already aware in the beginning. So who is responsible to cover the fees?

All of my anxiety revolves around physical dymptoms. I'm so done with this fucking anxiety. Lately I've been coping by telling myself this phrase over and over, "you don't have a heart condition, you have anxiety." And guess what, the heart anxiety basically disappeared. However, something else will start. Like currently, the whole right side of my throat felt like it was burning, all the way up to my ear. I started feeling dizzy and disoriented. Or I'll wake up and my left arm will be numb when I wake up. Fuck this anxiety. What tests can I take to finally conclude that my heart is healthy and strong, I'm not at risk for strokes or clots, my lungs are full and healthy, and that my stomach is a-fucking-okay. I know they'll order a blood test first, but should I be referred to a cardiologist or will a simple listen with a stethoscope be okay? Should I see a gastroenterologist for the pain or will she just rule it as anxiety?
I'm also FINALLY going to be able to see a therapist. I cannot fucking wait to start unloading this shit and be able to discuss and manage this stupid disorder. I'm getting better at managing it on my own. I just need to rule any and every possibility out that my brain has me convinced I have. I'm also cutting back on Dr Google.

I am not a continuous/full time caregiver in any capacity.
But I live with my 70 year old grandmother. She recently had 2 surgeries and has been in recovery for 2 months with no true end in sight for when she can resume her normal activities. I also live with my (male) cousin.
I had some health issues that landed me in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. When I came home, I had to dive right into caretaking.
That meant cooking, cleaning, draining her tube, changing the dressings, taking care of the house, taking care of the dog, and all of the above.
Meanwhile my cousin does nothing. Albeit he works while I currently don’t, but he doesn’t even do his own laundry or clean up after making food.
I have been getting battered for every little thing. From not wiping down the counters the night before to not taking something out for dinner or daring to leave dishes in the sink.
It was rough but whatever.
Then this morning, she woke up in terrible pain from a muscle issue. Crying and screaming sort of pain. Even more so I have had to do everything, including opening things for her, getting her out of bed, lifting her gown so she can go to the bathroom, everything.
On top of it all, I promised my aunt’s niece that I would take her to work and pick her up for the next few days. I have also been running on 3 hours of sleep.
I am so tired. Physically and mentally. I am tired of constantly hearing screaming and crying. I am tired of not getting to sit down for more than 10 minutes. I took the dog out for 20 minutes and I got a call from her screaming for me to come back in. By the time I got the dog inside and came to her, she was calling me useless and worthless. What she needed? Her pillow readjusted.
I have not gotten a single break since waking up at 6:30 this morning and it is currently 10 at night.
The only thanks i’ve gotten is some insults thrown my way for not getting to her quick enough.
I am so tired.

Graduated member coming back here with some advice and information. Here goes:
The US healthcare system fails us after birth. They see us at 6 weeks and give us barely any information. So I am here to tell you that if you have been cleared for sex by your doctor, you’re taking it slow, you’re using lots of lube, and sex still hurts, something is wrong. And it is not your fault. It is not you.
My daughter is ten months old today. I delivered vaginally via unplanned induction (hello preeclampsia symptoms), had a small tear, and a pretty standard recovery. I was cleared for sex at 6 weeks — and also had an IUD inserted. The doctor said that postpartum most women barely feel a thing because their vaginas have stretched so much. Not me. It was excruciating, just like the first time. In hindsight, that should have been a red flag to her.
Instead I spent the next 5 months trying to resume sex, only for it to be painful every single time. I kept waiting and waiting for it to change, going slow, wondering why I wasn’t healing, why I could sometimes deal with a little fingering in a specific spot but any kind of other penetration was so fucking painful. We were using lube. We were trying lots of foreplay. (Though it’s hard when breastfeeding hormones tamp down your desire and you are also afraid it will hurt like hell.) I spent hours scouring these forums and finding so many people saying that they resumed sex at 2 or 3 months, or talking about the desire. But no one talking about how it hurt so goddamned much. I stopped trying because it was so awful.
Finally at 6 months my husband did some research and found out about pelvic floor therapists. Did I know they existed? Of course. But I thought they were for strengthening your muscles, and I’d done regular yoga so I thought I had that covered. Turns out that strength isn’t always the issue. My pelvic floor needed stretching and lengthening and a LOT of working to desensitize scar tissue and other parts of the labia that that had healed wrongly or were just straight-up traumatized.
I am mad that in all the reading and research I did, no one ever mentioned that this was an issue. No one told me how it could be fixed. Who could help. That there even was help. So I’m here to tell you all: a good pelvic floor therapist is life-changing. Advocate for yourself. Get that referral.
Because I had sex this weekend and it finally brought me so much pleasure.