Poems in memory of dad

That memory somehow kept coming up today so I'll get it off my mind here.
A few years ago I was sitting next to my then girlfriend (now ex) on her couch giving her a back massage after she returned from a visit at her parents place.
As far as I could tell she loved them and they had a good relationship. While I was massaging her we talked about her visit. Just your regular topics like what they ate, how good her mother is at cooking, where they went for a walk and what they saw etc. The conversation goes here and there and we arrive at the topic of age.
She proceeds to tell me about how old her father now looks compared to just a few years back (I believe there was some sort of accident that she took as turning point, but I'm not sure anymore). She remained on that topic and while she was describing her aging father her voice turned to a lamenting tone and said something along the lines of "my dad got sooo old."
That made me think of my own father who died when I was younger (she knew that of course) and I kind of blurted out "It would be nice if I could say that about my own."
No hard feelings there, I don't mind being reminded of him. Although his moral compass was off by a few too many degrees for my taste and the relationship was strained, he's also been just human and his circumstances back then were truly challenging. In that moment it was just the thought that came to mind first and I guess I could enjoy the opportunity for a last conversation like so many who lost someone close.
I'm not sure why (propably because it made her feel really bad?), but she proceeded to jump off the couch so fast it made me nearly fall off and just stare at me.
Well, that was the first and only time I made someone look at me in a way I would imagine a deer in headlights to look at you, but death is admittedly a difficult and often scary topic.

Hello,
I am a Canadian Ravens fan (hate understandable); however, my Dad is a Steelers fan. Realistically based on geography we should both be lions fans but in Canada you generally just pick the team you like during your formative years.
As he’s getting older (65) and has never seen a game live and I finally have some savings - I’m going to take him this year.
I was just wondering if there is any recommendations or resources in regard to sections to avoid or alternatively great sections to sit in. I just want to ensure he’ll be able to see the game, and probably can’t stand on his feet a lot. We’ll most likely be in the 500s based on price. Bonus points if we’re under some kind of overhang to mitigate any rainy weather (but not needed). I’ve done a fair bit of research about local things we can do, but will also accept any other helpful suggestions to make this a great memory for him.
Thanks in advance for any info you can provide to help me cross something off my dads bucket list.

I'm a 29 year old male and i will try to summarize the horrendous situation I find myself without leaving to many crucial details out. I was with my ex girlfriend for nearly 6 years. The red flags were present fromn the beggining but looking back I had no way to understand what they were at the time partly due to my young nievete and partly due to the fact that coming from a emotijallyabusive household I had normalized many of the more subtle behaviors and therefore they fell within a blindspot of my cognitive distortions at the time. From the very start she would begin punching herself in her own head if i ever became upset with her in any way or during any attempt to verbally work a problem out. I thought she was just a bit flippant and intense. Dare I say I almost found it attractive in a strange sense. She was and still to this day, stunningly beautiful and menacingly seductive and knows how she can have a significant effect on males especially without doing very much in the way of actions. Fast forward she unknown to me at the time discontinued her birth contorll pills while still assuring me she was taking them and ultimetly lied by telling me she had just to fund out she had become pregnant herself after missing a period. We were both in our mid to early 20s still more or less financially dependant on our parents and were living on public city streets in our tow behind rv with our 2 dogs. She was idealizing me and to be frank I remebr this period of time as the happiest iv been eever before and up untill now. This memory of "happiness" I think was the biggest reason it took me so long to finally start trying to advocate for my self respect instead of hanging my head and just ignoring the abuse so that I would get the sweet reward of psedo- intimacy with her a few times a week. Despite my fond memories looking back I see now what could only be described as patterns if coercive control that seriously escalated over the 5 years we were in a relationship with each other and included her beggining to cheat early on and the resulting systemic lies and relational damage from needing to formulate and bend the nature of reality around those lies. Her hot and cold treatment of me with any postive(hot) behavior usually at least in the last few years being exclusively sexual in nature and cold behavior usually manifesting as her stonewalling me and or simply disappearing for multiple days at a time sometimes. The day my son was born i accompanied her to the hospital and sat with her the entire time helped her push ans enouraged her with love. She treated me with indifference and disdain. Once our wonderful little boy came along this a became even worse. The sense that she was making it about him and her vs everyone else including me was strong. She became quite introverted secretive and "cliquey" with my newborn and at the same time seemed to loose all desire to be physically or emotionally intimate with me. (Of course i gave her plenty of time and space right after she gave birth amd was understanding that it might be a while before things were back to normal).it was almost like she had a new partner-our child. she refused to fully move in to the apartment my grandparents had spent a huge amint of money on to give us a chance at raising our soon in a healthy environment. She would start random and seemingly pointless arguments often escalating into her screaming mean things at me innfront of our 3 month old son like she ****ed me and then raging followed by quickly slamming the door and taking our infant son backto her mother's house where she would stonewall me for a few days then send me. A message that emotionally blackmailed me into taking full blame for the rupture and apologizing profusely. In addition she did not trust me with our son but had no reason not too and as a result gatekept him in an extremely overcintrolling and damaging(for him and for me) manner. to this day (he is 3.5] I have never spent the night alone with him and have had him 1 on 1 dad and son time signifigantly less than I should have and not for lack of trying on my part. Despite her overcontrolling coercive sabatoging and alienating actions my son and I formed a loving and beautiful bond that up untill I saw him last a few months ago has amazingly endured through the storm. The tradegy goes on and on but to wrap up ultimitely she purposefully betrayed me by starting a relationship with my good friend and had him suggest to me that he should move in so he became my roommate all the while lying to my roommate that I ht her and simultaneously having him report back to her on my whereabouts at any Givin time and the things I said about her when venting after a prticulringly humiliating attempt to see my son or similar interaction and also give her info about what I was doing during the day. He became quite controlling himself and severed to further isolate me from people that weren't trying to ruin my life. They started to play mindgames with me that ibsee now attempts to gage how much I knew or suspected about what was going on. Mind you my son who was around 2 at this point was privy to the whole thing it was only kept a secret from me and due to this my son was coached to not tell me about it although what was actually said I will never know. Eventually a mutual friend of my roommate and I reached out and told me he had seen my roommate "playing dad" with my girl and son at dollar tree that day. I remebrr that day I sat at a local park in my car sullen and confused having been led on via sms from her only to randomly stop responding and never managing to get any time with my son. This sort of thing had become a regular occurance She then began withholding my son all togethar simply not answering at all or lying about him being asleep ridiculously early in the afternoon etc etc. My own parents failed to suppprt me and are still failing to show any sort of care other than somehwat monitarily. In fact my mom and her were two peas in a pod and my mom activly participated in the emotional abuse partly becauee of being manipulated by her partly because my mother is emotionally abusive. If I had better support or access to court resources at the time I'm confident things would have gone much differently but I was so isolated and lonely and in a deep state of despair at this point and the only thing I still was enduring for was the brief and inconsistent times i got with my boy whom I love more than life itself. I managed to get a hold of her via phone at this point and said i was going to go to court and pursue custody since she seemed unwilling to value my valid role as father. Her mom and her immediately became overly nice and invited me over where they sat me down and offered to make a visitation schedule and kindly suggested I dident go to court. It wasent much but it was signifgantly more respect than I had been shown any instance prior so I gobbled up the manipulations and left feeling invigorated and hopeful. The schedule was never adhered too and within a few days it was back to me not even be able to get a hold of her let alone see my son. The final day I saw him before things blew up I went over to her house in the evening. My son wanted to play hot wheels so we began to line them up on the floor but my ex was hovering over us with a hostile air. I asked if we could have some space or if at least she could sit down and play with us and she just kept standing there glaring at me. This made me uncomfortable and my son noticed this by sayig daddy play with me! Upon hearing this she in a angry tone said "play with your effin kid isent that what you wanted to do soooooo badly" right in front of him. I asked not to be spoken to in front of him like that and she went and got her mom and started whispering abut me to her mom in the hallway while they watched my son and I. I got up and said I'm leaving this is innappropriate and she said "wow that checks out you harrass me to see your son and then you don't even wanna see him. how pathetic and typical" " you just want to stress me out dont you" you don't actually give 2 you know what's about him" right in front of my son again. I speechlessly went to leave and my son comes running after me begging me to wait. I'm on the verge of tears and i picked him up cherishing how warm he was and how lovingly he was clinging to me. I tentatively requested I be allowed to go for a walk with him around the block and her mom this time dismissively says ya go and shoos us out the door. I get down the driveway and my ex comes sprinting out of the house tears streaming down her face and a look of rage and starts hitting me while I'm holding our son. Amazingly he start4d pushing her away saying mommy stop mommy stop. She says you have 5 minutes or I'm calling the cops and goes back in. I walk him around the block and say "mommy's feeling sad right now but it doesn't mean that either one of us loves you any more or any less than we used to and it's absolutely not your fault." I go back inside and without saying anything I walk up to her and give her a hug wich my son joins in too. All the sudden she is happy again and trying to speak to me in a casual tone but I basically just leave without saying much else. After this a week of no contact with my son occurs which at the time was the longest we had gone apart I felt like I had no choice but to confront her and assert my rights AGAIN although looking back I feel terribley silly for thinking she was going to repsect me at that point. Keep in mind i ALWAYS was extrmely respectful of her space and never would just show up at her moms house even though our relationahip by many accounts was more than informal ennough to make an occasionaI drop in to say hi. In addition she on Many occasions had told me that I could just come by if she didn't Answer her phone or simular situation arose. I texted her I was coming by to say goodnight to my son and phrased it as a statement not a question or request. I was already on the way when I sent the message and so I arrived (unintentionally)before her being able to fully respond to it to see my romate come running out of the front door (this is when I first had proof ab about all the stuff I mentioned earlier about their secret relationship) and go hide in the bushes, her poke her head out the door and then shut and lock it and turn all the lights in the house out and close the blinds. I walk up to the door and knock to no avail and so I confront her about what i know and saw via sms. She directly denies all my proof and accusations and then after calling me crazy and a stalker blocks me on all channels of communication. I go back to my car and collapse in tears and ultimtly fall asleep. I wake up to see her quickly shoving a duffel bag and my son into her moms car and her and my roommate get in and she pulls quickly away. Upon passing me on her way to the main road she becomes aware that im still there in my car and she burns rubber and begins driving extremely fast and erratically. In a moment of panic I knew she was probably trying to go into hiding with my son to prevent me from evrr seeing him again and I fearing for the safety of my son and our relationship I regrettably felt compelled to follow. We got on the freeway where she initiatied speeds of 100 plus miles perhour weaving in between semi's and this sort of thing continued d for an hour in the interim I had called 911 and also she had pulled up too a gas station casually got out and pumped gas upon her getting back in the car I witnessed my roommate making derogatory and taunting sexual gestures referring to my ex and also what i can only describe as cuddling with my son in the back seat and became enraged and made some threatening motions with a large wooden shovel handle while standing next to her car that were directed at my betraying friend and I feel terrible for doing in front of my child but in the moment I was so desperate and upset by the psychological torture i had been through it clouded my normally good judgment. In the end the police couldn't locate us due to my 911 call continually being transfered fron highway patrol dispatch back to whatever city we were in at the times dispatch. Also ultimetly no physical harm or even any other attempts happend or anything to anyone of the people involved and eventually I gave up and drove back to my hometown. She immediately filed for a domestic violence restraining order and used a recording she took of me looking aggressive and threatening outside her car as proof im abusive and violent even though i have never been either of those things. Especially not violent. I may not have been the most mature or experienced or attentive partner for some of our relationship but anything I did was truly a far cry from the serious emotional anguish I have ben subjected to here and not abusive. I did not lie, cheat,manipulate, gaslight, trick, triangulate, turn family againts or ever feel superior or entitled to harm or use her in any way. I loved her and she did all those to me and now is trying to steal the most precious thing I have left in the world from me so she can emotionally scar him with her idea of what good parenting is which in truth is emotional abuse.. She moved my old roommate in to her moms house full time the very next day and from what I hear they both are abusing meth and who knows what else currently plus this guy is not somone that is safe around my son to that degree. He is not a healthy safe adult for such a young boy and in addition he is vindictive and dislikes me mostly because my ex told him I hit her and abused her which are absolutely complete lies. I'm facing a situation now where I have to sit by and watch my son turned agsints me and withheld from me and abused and eveyone treats me like im the abuser. I have tried to contact every dv organization in my local area and as soon as they hear what happend it's almost like I can Feel the switch flip and in the moment it's evident that all the abuse that I had recounted surviving through doesn't matter because I'm some "unhinged abusive guy that chases people down the freeway" eveyone I have reached out to locally has invalidated me and berrated me for "what I did" and successfully pathologized what I consider to be a huge mistake that I feel very regretful for loosing my composure but also a rather understandable emotional reaction to severe mistreatment and fear for my son. I'm beggining to feel so isolated riding the emotional Rollercoaster of self doubt and powerlessness that this abuse at the hands of my ex but dare I say worse yet the abuse by way of victim blame and invalidation from these people and organizations that exist to help dv survivors has caused me. which because I reacted I'm not worthy of being included as a survivor. Cn you offer any advice or support or suggestions? I'm terrified for my sons wellbeing currently and haven't been able to see him in going on 2.5 months now clear and to be clear the domestic violence restraining order is still temporary. I have the final hearing in August.i

*Long Vent Post*
September 2024 bride, and I always knew June was going to be an insane month...but this is out of hand, and my nerves are wrecked.
My best friend of 20 years is getting married at the end of July, and her bachelorette trip is the weekend of June 7th. We planned our wedding showers to be the same weekend at the end of June (me on Saturday, her on Sunday) so I could minimize my travel. This was decided very early on. It's been a lot of fun sharing all of this together, and she honestly has been the best support system.
My FMIL, who has been engaged for almost 10 years, decided months after FH and I got engaged that they were going to get married at the end of July. The day after my best friend (where I am a bridesmaid). They are going to elope and don't want anyone there, but she planned a 4-day bachelorette trip for herself and made it a mother-daughters thing. I am very much looking forward to it and excited to bond more with FMIL and FSIL. This trip is the weekend after my bestie's bach trip.
FH has not visited his brother or nephews in a year, and my FBIL is going through some marital troubles. We planned a road trip to visit them for Memorial Day weekend (they live 5 hours away). I am looking forward to the getaway, even if I have to reign in my irritation/rage with FBIL's wife because I know too much of his side of things.
I have a project for work that requires an international site visit. My boss asked if I could go on 5/27 for the week. I told him that is Memorial Day, so he replied, "OK...then Tuesday." So now I'm going out of the country for the week after I return from FBIL's.
I had a business trip two weeks ago that was cancelled while I was *in transit* to the destination. I turned around and came back home. It has now been rescheduled for the day before my FMIL's bachelorette trip. Cool.
Last week my mom tells me that her and my step-dad (together 27 years, never officially married) are having a wedding on June 1st. Beyond excited for them, especially given my step-dad's health struggles the last two years. My aunt is hosting and orchestrated the whole thing as a spur-of-the-moment decision. It was intended to be a JP courthouse wedding originally, but Aunt has now made it a big backyard family celebration. I adore this for my mom. What I don't adore is the now 2-week rush to plan a wedding for my parents, where my mom texts and calls non-stop with questions and asking me to make decisions for her. She literally called me at 10:30 PM last night to ask me what the guys should wear. I had to pick the color palette and flowers because it was all to be based on a dress I already own. I'm being pulled into every detail...and I am tired. I was already past the point of decision fatigue while planning my own wedding and consulting on my best friend's choices. I do not have the mental capacity for this.
A recap for my travel now...
5/25-5/27: Road trip to visit FH's family
5/28-5/31: International business trip
5/31-6/2: Flying to hometown for my mom's wedding
6/7-6/9: Best friend's bachelorette trip
6/12: Business daytrip (flying to and back same day)
6/13-6/16: FMIL's bachelorette trip
6/28-6/30: Flying to hometown for both mine & bestie's wedding showers
This past Sunday on Mother's Day, my FMIL implied I wasn't expressing enough excitement for her bachelorette trip. She's also disappointed I won't be staying with her the night before we leave for the airport, because I'm getting in late from my business trip. I'm sensitive to this given that she is paying for the whole weekend, but I am exhausted and cannot think about it today. I have FOUR places to be before then. I will be excited when I get there, but please wait for that moment.
In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out laundry, a clean home, who is watching the dog next month, still staying on top of my wedding planning to-do list (had a major issue come in this morning regarding invitations), need to coordinate my MOG gift (another major project), and wrap up craft projects assigned to me for the wedding shower. I want nothing more than to lock myself in a room this weekend and talk to nobody, but know that is unrealistic.
I'm not looking for a solution to any of this and know that it will all work itself out, but today I am in my feels and PMS'ing, and just need to scream because I have already ate two chocolate chip muffins today due to stress and a third seems extreme. Thank you.

I've come to a dark, and difficult realization this last week, and ever since I've been really tired and operating on autopilot. I don't feel safe talking to anyone I know about this, so I'm coming to you, internet strangers. Every second of downtime that I get, I go back to this thought, and it's weighing on me.
But first, some back story. This is going to seem totally unrelated, but just take the ride with me real quick.
Although in many ways I lived a privileged life growing up, my parents and younger brother were all emotionally, verbally, financially, and often times physically abusive. There were times when I feared for my life. But perhaps the worst of it was that they were careful. They carefully built a reputation for me--clumsy, strong-willed, dishonest. It was a reputation that I internalized and grew to think was true, up until I had my daughter. Now, she's nearly three, and I am finally breaking my family's hold on me. Permanently.
Like most abuse victims, I tried to leave them several times. It was my baby's father who taught me how to leave for good, and who taught me the importance of severing ties permanently. When I first left him, I needed financial support from my parents, and was grateful to have it. I know so many victims don't have that and can't get out because of it. And, while they were the lesser of two evils, they've proved in the last few years over and over that they are still, in fact, an evil. And one I need out of my life. My dad got me a job when I was well enough to work again after I left, but it only gave him more access to me. And I let him. I'm a grown adult woman. At any moment I could have had the courage and the strength to just walk away. No amount of perceived financial security (because relying on them is not financial security) is worth what I've gone through emotionally on behalf of him and this 'job'. But now, after years of moving over and over again and not feeling safe or secure, my daughter and I have housing that I won't have to worry about losing for the foreseeable future.
I have provided for her a roof over her head, but more than that, a place to grow in and call her own. A place where she can put posters on her wall and have a playground in the back yard and raise a puppy. It's beautiful, and it means that I know that I can now pursue a career that better aligns with the schedule, work-life balance, and emotional fulfillment that she and I need to better our lives. In other words, I've put in my two weeks' at that job so that I can find something more sustainable and sever my ties with my family closer to for-good.
I think that this is why I've had this sudden realization about my daughter's dad. It has been an incredibly emotional time. The universe seems to be throwing tests at me left and right, as if to say, are you sure? Will you really go through with it this time?
And I will. I have faith in myself as a mother more so than I have ever had faith in myself as a person. I know what my daughter needs me to do, so I'll do it. I know where I want to be so that she can grow and thrive, so I will go there.
But it has reminded me of the person I was, who did not know this, and who did not feel so sure.
When I first met my ex, he said and did all of the right things. I was a newly appointed executive in a male-dominated industry, and I was young and single in a conservative area where any indication that I was not wearing a chastity belt read as an invitation to pursue to every man I worked with or around. I was fresh out of another abusive relationship, still repeating the cycle my family had taught me, and was vulnerable.
And he played the part of my savior very well. We were together two years, and I supported him through COVID and losing his high-paying engineer job only to one day, suddenly, discover that virtually everything about him was a lie. Not only was he cheating on me--heavily, while I was at work and he was pretending to freelance, with several women including some I thought were my friends--but he had no college degree, much less a master's degree in engineering, and he had never had the job he allegedly lost. He was a con-artist with two children by two different women, a separate fiancee he'd been with since high school and kept trying to bring into our lives, and so much more. He was using his older, disabled brother's ssn at the job I had gotten him to avoid paying child support. He had even lied about how his parents died.
I'm not even sure I knew his legal name.
To be clear, I found out about the cheating first. That was it. The rest of it, I'm sure I had vague suspicions of. But I had trusted him. If something was off, then he probably had a sound explanation and it wasn't my business. I was young and stupid, and he was still acting perfectly normal.
I broke up with him, then, just to find out a month later that despite using birth control and condoms religiously, and despite having more than one prognosis that I would never conceive let alone carry a child, I was pregnant. At the time, I was no contact with my entire family and had been further isolated from my friends by my then-boyfriend. Plus, the company I worked for was showing signs of selling--my job was by no means secure, and especially not so because they had a history of firing pregnant women in my position exactly two months after their return from maternity leave.
The point was, I was desperate, and I was scared, and I didn't know that the father of my child was a monster, so I tried to make it work, thinking that my daughter, surely, needed a father figure. And for his part, he seemed remorseful. He promised to go to counseling and agreed to certain conditions and, again, said all of the right things.
And then he started drinking. And screaming. And demanding. And...threatening, and then doing.
But at that point, I was alone. I was halfway through a complicated pregnancy that made me incredibly ill with small town doctors who were gaslighting me and not helping me, the writing was on the wall at work and I was enduring slander and drama there, and I had no one and nowhere else to turn. So I pushed through. I tried to leave him when I was about 22 weeks along. I enlisted the help of my friend, who supported me, and I thought I was home free.
But that night was one of the most horrific nights of my life. The only person I've been able to tell about it was my lawyer, a year later, when I went in to make sure my daughter was protected. By the way, he's not in either of our lives at all and will never be. I have and will continue to do everything in my power to keep him away from us. Not that he could find us if he tried.
Things only got worse after that night. and at some point. I told a trusted friend and my mom (breaking no contact) that I intended to leave. Safely, and in time. I started freelancing again and looking for other jobs, and I played house the best I could to keep myself and baby safe. I ended up being ordered to go on bed rest two weeks early, And then I gave birth, and my daughter and I both almost died.
It was horrific, and traumatic, and sent me into a terrible spiral. It was all I could do to care for my daughter. But it became very quickly apparent that I was running out of time to get her out. And this is where the realization comes in.
His alcoholism and verbal and emotional abuse were increasing in frequency and intensity. He was also growing more violent--even if he was just punching holes in doors. But he was also...weird with our daughter. I did everything I could not to have to leave him alone with her, and she was only left with him twice.
Once, for an hour, because I had to go into work and handle something in the middle of the day. He left my 1mo infant daughter lying, asleep, on her belly, on a very high bed with loose blankets and pillows, alone in our apartment while he moved something from one apartment to another. I have no idea for how long.
I tried to breastfeed, at first, and there were issues with that so she was waking up often and hard to put back to sleep. We later found out she wasn't getting enough milk because of a tongue tie and started supplementing with formula at two weeks. I have heavy suspicions that I was also underproducing because of stress and emotional duress. One night, he was frustrated because even though I was sleeping in the living room and taking care of the baby while he slept in the bed, he couldn't sleep, and blamed me for being an incompetent mother. He took her from me, and put her to sleep with him in bed. I knew he was drunk. I went in to check on her--I was anxious, I had done tons of research on safe sleep. He saw me, screamed at me, and then blamed me for waking her up.
Later, he would try to put rice cereal in her bottle and make those "knockout bottles" that are incredibly dangerous when I wasn't looking. There were a number of weird incidents like this which he chalked up to being older than me, and being the way he'd raised his other two babies. And back then I really thought it was just all apart of the abuse--targeted at me.
We got out when she was five months old and today she's a sweet, happy, healthy kid.
But, and honestly maybe this should have occurred to me before, I can not shake the heaviness of the conclusion that remembering all of these incidents has brought me to; he wanted her to die. I mean, I guess in a roundabout way he expressed this. He started berating me for not getting an abortion almost immediately after I passed the legal time to get one done where I'm from (they're completely illegal now but were not at the time). I'm not anti-abortion, by any means, but it felt like it came out of nowhere. He also refused to have any part in naming her or preparing for her arrival--even in raising her. I always thought that these were just manipulation tactics. That he was just saying malicious things to get under my skin.
Now that I'm writing this, I also remember one of the last texts he sent to me over a year ago, alleging that he had shot and killed someone before. It wasn't an active threat to me. It was just part of a psychosis spiral where he was trying to explain that we could live safely with him in his new apartment even though it wasn't in a safe area or something, and so I really just discarded it. I didn't see him anymore. He didn't know where we lived. He was only allowed to contact me still because I was building a case against him. It didn't seem like it mattered.
Now? Today? I think that if I hadn't left with her when I did, we might both be dead already. More than that, I think that if I had not had her and I had ended up back with him--or back in another abusive relationship with anyone else--that I would certainly be dead. I might have been the one to physically take us both and leave, but she saved me first.
So that's it. That's what I've been struggling with. And I haven't really fully processed what that means for me, yet, except that I've made another appointment with my lawyer to take additional safety measures for my daughter. But emotionally? I'm not sure. I'll have to sit with this, and I just needed to say it somewhere. If you read all of this, thank you.
tldr; i left my ex when my daughter by him was 5 months old, and now she's nearly 3 years old and we are no contact with him, but i've recently been hit with memories of actions he took when she was an infant that lead me to believe he may have been subconsciously or even actively trying to take her life

Throwaway account - please delete this if it causes any issues / breaks any rules. I'm really stupid so bear with me.
I'm a person trying to figure out things, particularly if anyone here has a similar experience to see if it's even worth going to a therapist about. It's genuinely a mess but I want to know the truth.
I have some memory issues and was emotionally neglected as a child, so I don't remember much of childhood (barely anything compared to most people from what I've gathered) and neither does any reliable source about it (mother is narcissistic, father had a ton of medical issues that rendered him incapable of conversation for a long time due to how bad his memory got). Raised quasi-conservative. is it possible to... simply not even notice gender dysphoria until later on in a situation like that? From what I can remember, I never had a sense of identity aside from being obedient until i was ~14-15 and I just took whatever I experienced as it was and never questioned it. Despite my memory, I distinctly remember a moment though when I was 12-13 when I realized something was changing for the worse. Something deep in me and disturbing. it felt horrific. This was right around the time puberty started. I wasn't allowed deeper knowledge of trans-anything until my mother pulled me out of church to lecture me about it, and I didn't dare question anything for years and years because of her being her. Eventually after my dad left and I was finally allowed to go to public school again, I ended up dating someone who ended up questioning their gender, and this made me look back at my life and go "could that be the explanation?". I ended up experimenting, and using different pronouns and eventually after I left my mother I got onto HRT. For the first time since I was young, the feeling lessened significantly. I was really happy with that for a year or so until recently I couldn't afford it anymore so I had to stop. It's been 2 months since I stopped and it came back and I just want to cry. I forgot what this felt like. It's disturbing.
So now I'm here, having today discovered the evils lurking behind the seemingly pretty faces I thought were friends, wondering if I got tricked or if anyone can relate to this and share how it went from there. Please let me know, or idk yell at me if this is bad/against the rules lmao

I was reading some texts by Foyan when he mentioned Seng-ts'an and his writings. I decided to share and comment on the whole poem which is called Hsin Hsin Ming. The poem is huge, so buckle up!
On having no preferences.

The Perfect Way is only difficult for those who pick and choose; Do not like, do not dislike; all will then be clear. Make a hairbreadth difference, and Heaven and Earth are set apart; If you want the truth to stand clear before you, never be for or against. The struggle between "for" and "against" is the mind's worst disease; While the deep meaning is misunderstood, it is useless to meditate on Rest. It [the Buddha-nature] is blank and featureless as space; it has no "too little" or "too much;" Only because we take and reject does it seem to us not to be so.

If you support and objectify something outside yourself, that is already a preference. And then you will reject any view that denies your view of truth. However if you do not have such an object to look towards, what will you do? What would it look like not to fight against another view?
On taking things as they are.

Do not chase after Entanglements as though they were real things, Do not try to drive pain away by pretending that it is not real; Pain, if you seek serenity in Oneness, will vanish of its own accord. Stop all movement in order to get rest, and rest will itself be restless; Linger over either extreme, and Oneness is for ever lost. Those who cannot attain to Oneness in either case will fail: To banish Reality is to sink deeper into the Real; Allegiance to the Void implies denial of its voidness.

There is no use to clean your glasses with your own fingers, it will only smudge them more. By trying to fabricate states or change your current state hoping to have a nicer experience, you will only get further estranged from yourself. By reacting to emotions, you will create even more emotions. Why force rest or peace? Why prefer something more real? How can something other than this experience be more real?
On intellectualization.

The more you talk about It, the more you think about It, the further from It you go; Stop talking, stop thinking, and there is nothing you will not understand. Return to the Root and you will find the Meaning; Pursue the Light, and you will lose its source, Look inward, and in a flash you will conquer the Apparent and the Void. For the whirligigs of Apparent and Void all come from mistaken views;

This reminds of the monk who got to go on a walk with his master and they watched the sunset together. At one point the monk could not help himself and said "How beautiful!". His master never allowed him to go on a walk with him. Of course, this is an extreme case, but by expressing / looking for the beauty in words, it is no longer the same beauty. It is, as if, examined by one and no longer of-itself.
On duality of "Is" and "Isn't".

There is no need to seek Truth; only stop having views. Do not accept either position [Assertion and Negation], examine it or pursue it; At the least thought of "Is" and "Isn't" there is chaos and the Mind is lost. Though the two exist because of the One, do not cling to the One; Only when no thought arises are the Dharmas without blame. No blame, no Dharmas; no arising, not thought.

From the One Mind are born "this" or "that". It can flower in any direction, but don't consider it your own and see it as an arbitrary view.
On me and you.

The doer vanishes along with the deed, The deed disappears when the doer is annihilated. The deed has no function apart from the doer; The doer has no function apart from the deed. The ultimate Truth about both Extremes is that they are One Void. In that One Void the two are not distinguished; Each contains complete within itself the Ten Thousand Forms.

One void, not two, not me, not you. So tell me, who knows more than others? Who has views that others don't see? Who argues with another?
On having no fixed path.

Only if we boggle over fine and coarse are we tempted to take sides. In its essence the Great Way is all embracing; It is as wrong to call it easy as to call it hard. Partial views are irresolute and insecure, Now at a gallop, now lagging in the rear. Clinging to this or to that beyond measure The heart trusts to bypaths that lead it astray. Let things take their own course; know that the Essence will neither go nor stay; Let your nature blend with the Way and wander in it free from care.

Only a fool would try to put a nail in the sky. What is subtle and what is surface understanding? There is a point where they no longer mean anything separately. What then? When things are seen for what they are, as appearances in the One Mind, all boundaries begin to crumble. In nature some branches grow short, some long, all is the body of Buddha.
On splitting the hair in half.

Thoughts that are fettered turn from Truth, Sink into the unwise habit of "not liking." "Not liking" brings weariness of spirit; estrangements serve no purpose. If you want to follow the doctrine of the One, do not rage against the World of the Senses. Only by accepting the World of the Senses can you share in the True Perception. Those who know most, do least; folly ties its own bonds. In the Dharma there are no separate dharmas, only the foolish cleave To their own preferences and attachments.

Don't sit in your meditation or emptiness and reject everything. Don't sit with your Zen texts and reject what is not in your Zen texts. There is One Dharma and it manifests as all. Estrange yourself from your perceptions and senses and you will estrange yourself from the One Dharma.
On no differentiation.

To use Thought to devise thoughts, what more misguided than this? Ignorance creates Rest and Unrest; Wisdom neither loves nor hates. All that belongs to the Two Extremes is inference falsely drawn- A dream-phantom, a flower in the air. Why strive to grasp it in the hand? "Is" and "Isn't," gain and loss banish once for all: If the eyes do not close in sleep there can be no evil dreams; If the mind makes no distinctions all Dharmas become one.

I see this as river, it does not look for the best course, it just flows into the best course. It does not blame rocks for being in the way, it just goes over them. What do you blame? What is it that you want to accomplish and what is it that stands in your way?
On the end of complication.

Let the One with its mystery blot out all memory of complications. Let the thought of the Dharmas as All-One bring you to the So-in-itself. Thus their origin is forgotten and nothing is left to make us pit one against the other. Regard motion as though it were stationary, and what becomes of motion? Treat the stationary as though it moved, and that disposes of the stationary. Both these having thus been disposed of, what becomes of the One?

When you wake up from a dream in the morning, it instantly becomes unreal. In the same way, when all subjective complications are forgotten once and for all, the only flow of existence is revealed to have never ceased. Eternally This, ever flowing.
On freedom.

At the ultimate point, beyond which you can go no further, You get to where there are no rules, no standards, To where thought can accept Impartiality, To where effect of action ceases, Doubt is washed away, belief has no obstacle. Nothing is left over, nothing remembered; Space is bright, but self-illumined; no power of mind is exerted. Nor indeed could mere thought bring us to such a place. Nor could sense or feeling comprehend it. It is the Truly-so, the Transcendent Sphere, where there is neither He nor I.
For swift converse with this sphere use the concept "Not Two;" In the "Not Two" are no separate things, yet all things are included. The wise throughout the Ten Quarters have had access to this Primal Truth; For it is not a thing with extension in Time or Space; A moment and an aeon for it are one. Whether we see it for fail to see it, it is manifest always and everywhere. The very small is as the very large when boundaries are forgotten; The very large is as the very small when its outlines are not seen.

Thusness is the place of non-abiding. No one does the non-abiding so we can say that it happens of itself. This is the freedom that is sought after through endless kalpas of thoughts and emotions. Who would have thought that even thoughts and emotions are of themselves, part of it.
William Blake says:

To see a World in a Grain of Sand And a Heaven in a Wild Flower, Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand And Eternity in an hour. 

On the futility of words and trusting the Heart.

Being is an aspect of Non-being; Non-being is an aspect of Being. In climes of thought where it is not so the mind does ill to dwell. The One is none other than the All, the All none other than the One. Take your stand on this, and the rest will follow of its own accord; To trust in the Heart is the Not Two, the Not Two is to trust in the Heart. I have spoken, but in vain; for what can words tell Of things that have no yesterday, tomorrow or today?

Here we meet the paradox of being and non being, of using words to describe the word-less. What does it really mean to trust the Heart? We cannot convey that in any direct way using language. To be honest, we cannot convey much directly using language. Seeing things as not two, or not separate is to have trust in the Heart, or to put it in another way, not closing yourself off via intellectual analysis or emotional reactions is to have trust in the Heart. What is your take on all of this?

I'm a 29 year old male and i will try to summarize the horrendous situation I find myself without leaving to many crucial details out. I was with my ex girlfriend for nearly 6 years. The red flags were present fromn the beggining but looking back I had no way to understand what they were at the time partly due to my young nievete and partly due to the fact that coming from a emotijallyabusive household I had normalized many of the more subtle behaviors and therefore they fell within a blindspot of my cognitive distortions at the time. From the very start she would begin punching herself in her own head if i ever became upset with her in any way or during any attempt to verbally work a problem out. I thought she was just a bit flippant and intense. Dare I say I almost found it attractive in a strange sense. She was and still to this day, stunningly beautiful and menacingly seductive and knows how she can have a significant effect on males especially without doing very much in the way of actions. Fast forward she unknown to me at the time discontinued her birth contorll pills while still assuring me she was taking them and ultimetly lied by telling me she had just to fund out she had become pregnant herself after missing a period. We were both in our mid to early 20s still more or less financially dependant on our parents and were living on public city streets in our tow behind rv with our 2 dogs. She was idealizing me and to be frank I remebr this period of time as the happiest iv been eever before and up untill now. This memory of "happiness" I think was the biggest reason it took me so long to finally start trying to advocate for my self respect instead of hanging my head and just ignoring the abuse so that I would get the sweet reward of psedo- intimacy with her a few times a week. Despite my fond memories looking back I see now what could only be described as patterns if coercive control that seriously escalated over the 5 years we were in a relationship with each other and included her beggining to cheat early on and the resulting systemic lies and relational damage from needing to formulate and bend the nature of reality around those lies. Her hot and cold treatment of me with any postive(hot) behavior usually at least in the last few years being exclusively sexual in nature and cold behavior usually manifesting as her stonewalling me and or simply disappearing for multiple days at a time sometimes. The day my son was born i accompanied her to the hospital and sat with her the entire time helped her push ans enouraged her with love. She treated me with indifference and disdain. Once our wonderful little boy came along this a became even worse. The sense that she was making it about him and her vs everyone else including me was strong. She became quite introverted secretive and "cliquey" with my newborn and at the same time seemed to loose all desire to be physically or emotionally intimate with me. (Of course i gave her plenty of time and space right after she gave birth amd was understanding that it might be a while before things were back to normal).it was almost like she had a new partner-our child. she refused to fully move in to the apartment my grandparents had spent a huge amint of money on to give us a chance at raising our soon in a healthy environment. She would start random and seemingly pointless arguments often escalating into her screaming mean things at me innfront of our 3 month old son like she ****ed me and then raging followed by quickly slamming the door and taking our infant son backto her mother's house where she would stonewall me for a few days then send me. A message that emotionally blackmailed me into taking full blame for the rupture and apologizing profusely. In addition she did not trust me with our son but had no reason not too and as a result gatekept him in an extremely overcintrolling and damaging(for him and for me) manner. to this day (he is 3.5] I have never spent the night alone with him and have had him 1 on 1 dad and son time signifigantly less than I should have and not for lack of trying on my part. Despite her overcontrolling coercive sabatoging and alienating actions my son and I formed a loving and beautiful bond that up untill I saw him last a few months ago has amazingly endured through the storm. The tradegy goes on and on but to wrap up ultimitely she purposefully betrayed me by starting a relationship with my good friend and had him suggest to me that he should move in so he became my roommate all the while lying to my roommate that I ht her and simultaneously having him report back to her on my whereabouts at any Givin time and the things I said about her when venting after a prticulringly humiliating attempt to see my son or similar interaction and also give her info about what I was doing during the day. He became quite controlling himself and severed to further isolate me from people that weren't trying to ruin my life. They started to play mindgames with me that ibsee now attempts to gage how much I knew or suspected about what was going on. Mind you my son who was around 2 at this point was privy to the whole thing it was only kept a secret from me and due to this my son was coached to not tell me about it although what was actually said I will never know. Eventually a mutual friend of my roommate and I reached out and told me he had seen my roommate "playing dad" with my girl and son at dollar tree that day. I remebrr that day I sat at a local park in my car sullen and confused having been led on via sms from her only to randomly stop responding and never managing to get any time with my son. This sort of thing had become a regular occurance She then began withholding my son all togethar simply not answering at all or lying about him being asleep ridiculously early in the afternoon etc etc. My own parents failed to suppprt me and are still failing to show any sort of care other than somehwat monitarily. In fact my mom and her were two peas in a pod and my mom activly participated in the emotional abuse partly becauee of being manipulated by her partly because my mother is emotionally abusive. If I had better support or access to court resources at the time I'm confident things would have gone much differently but I was so isolated and lonely and in a deep state of despair at this point and the only thing I still was enduring for was the brief and inconsistent times i got with my boy whom I love more than life itself. I managed to get a hold of her via phone at this point and said i was going to go to court and pursue custody since she seemed unwilling to value my valid role as father. Her mom and her immediately became overly nice and invited me over where they sat me down and offered to make a visitation schedule and kindly suggested I dident go to court. It wasent much but it was signifgantly more respect than I had been shown any instance prior so I gobbled up the manipulations and left feeling invigorated and hopeful. The schedule was never adhered too and within a few days it was back to me not even be able to get a hold of her let alone see my son. The final day I saw him before things blew up I went over to her house in the evening. My son wanted to play hot wheels so we began to line them up on the floor but my ex was hovering over us with a hostile air. I asked if we could have some space or if at least she could sit down and play with us and she just kept standing there glaring at me. This made me uncomfortable and my son noticed this by sayig daddy play with me! Upon hearing this she in a angry tone said "play with your effin kid isent that what you wanted to do soooooo badly" right in front of him. I asked not to be spoken to in front of him like that and she went and got her mom and started whispering abut me to her mom in the hallway while they watched my son and I. I got up and said I'm leaving this is innappropriate and she said "wow that checks out you harrass me to see your son and then you don't even wanna see him. how pathetic and typical" " you just want to stress me out dont you" you don't actually give 2 you know what's about him" right in front of my son again. I speechlessly went to leave and my son comes running after me begging me to wait. I'm on the verge of tears and i picked him up cherishing how warm he was and how lovingly he was clinging to me. I tentatively requested I be allowed to go for a walk with him around the block and her mom this time dismissively says ya go and shoos us out the door. I get down the driveway and my ex comes sprinting out of the house tears streaming down her face and a look of rage and starts hitting me while I'm holding our son. Amazingly he start4d pushing her away saying mommy stop mommy stop. She says you have 5 minutes or I'm calling the cops and goes back in. I walk him around the block and say "mommy's feeling sad right now but it doesn't mean that either one of us loves you any more or any less than we used to and it's absolutely not your fault." I go back inside and without saying anything I walk up to her and give her a hug wich my son joins in too. All the sudden she is happy again and trying to speak to me in a casual tone but I basically just leave without saying much else. After this a week of no contact with my son occurs which at the time was the longest we had gone apart I felt like I had no choice but to confront her and assert my rights AGAIN although looking back I feel terribley silly for thinking she was going to repsect me at that point. Keep in mind i ALWAYS was extrmely respectful of her space and never would just show up at her moms house even though our relationahip by many accounts was more than informal ennough to make an occasionaI drop in to say hi. In addition she on Many occasions had told me that I could just come by if she didn't Answer her phone or simular situation arose. I texted her I was coming by to say goodnight to my son and phrased it as a statement not a question or request. I was already on the way when I sent the message and so I arrived (unintentionally)before her being able to fully respond to it to see my romate come running out of the front door (this is when I first had proof ab about all the stuff I mentioned earlier about their secret relationship) and go hide in the bushes, her poke her head out the door and then shut and lock it and turn all the lights in the house out and close the blinds. I walk up to the door and knock to no avail and so I confront her about what i know and saw via sms. She directly denies all my proof and accusations and then after calling me crazy and a stalker blocks me on all channels of communication. I go back to my car and collapse in tears and ultimtly fall asleep. I wake up to see her quickly shoving a duffel bag and my son into her moms car and her and my roommate get in and she pulls quickly away. Upon passing me on her way to the main road she becomes aware that im still there in my car and she burns rubber and begins driving extremely fast and erratically. In a moment of panic I knew she was probably trying to go into hiding with my son to prevent me from evrr seeing him again and I fearing for the safety of my son and our relationship I regrettably felt compelled to follow. We got on the freeway where she initiatied speeds of 100 plus miles perhour weaving in between semi's and this sort of thing continued d for an hour in the interim I had called 911 and also she had pulled up too a gas station casually got out and pumped gas upon her getting back in the car I witnessed my roommate making derogatory and taunting sexual gestures referring to my ex and also what i can only describe as cuddling with my son in the back seat and became enraged and made some threatening motions with a large wooden shovel handle while standing next to her car that were directed at my betraying friend and I feel terrible for doing in front of my child but in the moment I was so desperate and upset by the psychological torture i had been through it clouded my normally good judgment. In the end the police couldn't locate us due to my 911 call continually being transfered fron highway patrol dispatch back to whatever city we were in at the times dispatch. Also ultimetly no physical harm or even any other attempts happend or anything to anyone of the people involved and eventually I gave up and drove back to my hometown. She immediately filed for a domestic violence restraining order and used a recording she took of me looking aggressive and threatening outside her car as proof im abusive and violent even though i have never been either of those things. Especially not violent. I may not have been the most mature or experienced or attentive partner for some of our relationship but anything I did was truly a far cry from the serious emotional anguish I have ben subjected to here and not abusive. I did not lie, cheat,manipulate, gaslight, trick, triangulate, turn family againts or ever feel superior or entitled to harm or use her in any way. I loved her and she did all those to me and now is trying to steal the most precious thing I have left in the world from me so she can emotionally scar him with her idea of what good parenting is which in truth is emotional abuse.. She moved my old roommate in to her moms house full time the very next day and from what I hear they both are abusing meth and who knows what else currently plus this guy is not somone that is safe around my son to that degree. He is not a healthy safe adult for such a young boy and in addition he is vindictive and dislikes me mostly because my ex told him I hit her and abused her which are absolutely complete lies. I'm facing a situation now where I have to sit by and watch my son turned agsints me and withheld from me and abused and eveyone treats me like im the abuser. I have tried to contact every dv organization in my local area and as soon as they hear what happend it's almost like I can Feel the switch flip and in the moment it's evident that all the abuse that I had recounted surviving through doesn't matter because I'm some "unhinged abusive guy that chases people down the freeway" eveyone I have reached out to locally has invalidated me and berrated me for "what I did" and successfully pathologized what I consider to be a huge mistake that I feel very regretful for loosing my composure but also a rather understandable emotional reaction to severe mistreatment and fear for my son. I'm beggining to feel so isolated riding the emotional Rollercoaster of self doubt and powerlessness that this abuse at the hands of my ex but dare I say worse yet the abuse by way of victim blame and invalidation from these people and organizations that exist to help dv survivors has caused me. which because I reacted I'm not worthy of being included as a survivor. Cn you offer any advice or support or suggestions? I'm terrified for my sons wellbeing currently and haven't been able to see him in going on 2.5 months now clear and to be clear the domestic violence restraining order is still temporary. I have the final hearing in August.i

Some gameplay I did last night brought back memories of one of my old Sims families around 2017. I tend to get very emotionally attached to my Sims, and I've loved many before and since, but there were 3 generations of a particular family that seemed to have a particular magic that I've never recaptured.
It started with a blended family, 1 boy from the mom, 1 girl and 2 boys from the dad. The Parenthood game pack had just come out and I had so much fun exploring the new content with them.
Once the kids aged up, I continued to play all of them rotationally. The next generation had several girls all around the same age. Their dad also had an alien baby at that time, so when he died she was raised by one of her brothers alongside her nieces. They were a super close-knit extended family, always playing together and going to each other's parties.
Once again, when the girls' generation aged up, I kept playing each of them rotationally, and the next generation had 5 or 6 boys and 1 girl who all grew up together. Once they were young adults, I moved all the cousins into a huge house I built for them in Windenburg. I had such a fun time organizing parties for them and developing their styles and goals for the future! I also hadn't played with male Sims that much before that, so this was the first time I really felt connected to male Sims in my game.
After that it became too unmanageable to keep playing through everyone on rotation, and the magic was lost. But even though I don't remember a lot of the details or even all of the Sims anymore, I still always look back fondly on my time with that family.

So here's the full story.
My dad, who is 74 and is in regular health for his age (and is neither a drinker or a smoker) had something strange occur two months ago.
Even though he's been retired since 2012, he dreamed one night two months ago that he had to go some work-related function. To him, the dream seemed so real that he was actually getting ready to go to this non-existent function. As the morning went on he realized that it was just a dream and wasn't real. Same thing happened next morning as well.
Early in April he couldn't find his car at a Walmart parking lot that he's been to many times before. He found it after an hour. Later that very same day he asked me when this year's Super Bowl was. I told him it already happened this year and for a bit he didn't believe me but eventually he remembered that it was this year.
Later in April he had another dream about how his former employer had an employee appreciation day at Busch Gardens (a theme park here in Tampa) for employees and their families where they get free admission for that day and he asked if I wanted to go. I told him it was just a dream and he agreed.
He also had accidentally locked himself out of the house like five or six times over the past two months when he stepped out for a little bit to do an outside chore like take out the trash. This never really happened before the past two months.
Other than that he hasn't had any real trouble with things. He can talk normally and follow conversations normally the vast majority of the time. He also has no trouble driving anywhere.
But, just to determine what is going on, he had an appointment earlier today with his doctor for a memory test. I didn't go with him but he told all of the above information (he actually had a piece of paper with all of that written on it) to the doctor and the doctor also had him take him a memory test.
After the appointment, dad told me how it went and he said that the doctor really didn't diagnose him with dementia or Alzheimer's. Like the doctor never said that he has those things but in their long conversation the word "dementia" did come up but it wasn't an official diagnosis. She said that whatever he has it's very mild right now. She seemed upbeat during the whole appointment and wasn't solemn at all. In fact, she was very glad that he came to get help because she said that most people don't come until the major warning signs start appearing. Hell, even he was in a good mood when he was telling how the appointment went!
So, she prescribed him Donepezil. The official description for that drug says that it is primarily used for the treatment of dementia associated with Alzheimer's disease and has FDA approval for use in mild, moderate, and severe stages of the disease. But like I said before, the word "Alzheimer's" never came up during their conversation. He has another appointment in three weeks.
So like, what exactly am I supposed to think here? Should I be worried? Cause right now my heart is racing. I can't seem to process all this right now. Is it possible he just has regular cognitive impairment from just aging and the doc prescribed him Donepezil as some sort of precautionary measure (even though Donepezil doesn't cure dementia and just simply slows it down a bit if he indeed does have dementia)?
I don't know who to turn to for support other than my mom. I don't have a wife or kids.
Thanks for reading!

Missy loved to shop.
No, she wasn't one of those spoiled brats buying up all the Jimmy Choos on Rodeo. She was sensible, practical; a thrifter. There hadn't been a garage, yard or estate sale in a 20 mile area she didn't ravage. Twice a week, if not more, she would rampage through every clearance aisle in town. No Goodwill or Salvation Army was safe either. "The Circuit," her kids who didn't understand her compulsion always called it.
The only thing Missy enjoyed more than buying stuff was keeping it.
Over time, her home had become a certifiable death trap. Boxes of outdated appliances stacked high atop every seating surface, unrelinquished clothes filled up every square centimeter of every closet and a smorgasbord of cheap nick-nacks had eventually added up to an expensive collection that was worth nothing.
Guests had been few and far, including her children. Brian hadn't even called her since that wife of his broke her ankle walking to the bathroom. Missy always assumed she was faking it on her son's orders to make her feel guilty. At least they didn't bother her anymore. Cortney was on a mission to take everything away from her. Didn't she realize this was all gonna be hers one day? Was it so hard to be grateful? It wasn't like she was covered in dog shit and roaches. This was good, clean stuff.
"It's us or the shit," the daughter gave her an ultimatum one day.
The repeated warnings started going to voicemail. Very worried and even angrier, Cortney drove the two hours for an emergency intervention she planned on the fly. The traumatic memories of living in a cluttered home flooded back the entire route. The dad who gave up, the embarrassment of lying to friends, Thanksgiving gatherings cut short so mom could pregame for her decimation of Kohl's. That was even before Black Friday was even a thing. That was all that mattered. That was all she talked about. In Missy's world, whoever had the most stuff won.
"Jesus," her brother recoiled in repulsion upon breaking down the door, nearly getting side-swiped by three long unused mops in the process.
Their rotted mother sat on the lone unoccupied spot of the crammed sofa, her tissue fused with a bin full of frayed cords, a giant pile of DVD cases (most missing the discs,) and periodicals dating back to the Clinton Years. Missy, or what used to be Missy, demanded their exit, already sensing their disapproval. The called squad was scared off by the squelch and the yelp of pain upon picking up a piece of the assimilation.
City officials are too scared to condemn Missy's Museum of Massive Miscellany to this very day. Years have passed and even the vermin stay away. This doesn't bother the inhabitant. She may be the only one in there but she would never be alone.

I’m an introverted person that usually has a no-emotion expression even though I do feel a lot, sometimes even more than I let out, and I have a slow response to everything that happens around me. I have a hard time admitting that I’m wrong or planning things and I procrastinate a lot. I am reserved and a private person who loves my comfort zone. And I hate making calls with people I don’t get along with. I have a terrible short-term memory and I have difficulties remembering people’s names. I get angry or moody easily. I prefer to take things slow and consider all the options before making a decision, so people around me usually think that I look like a robot. Most of the times I find myself daydreaming, talking to myself or thinking about something so intensely that I forget about my surroundings. I am very shy with strangers but when you get to know me I can be pretty wild and funny. I sometimes experiment what people call analysis paralysis. I’ve been taking mbti tests and trying to find out more about cognitive functions for years, but I have not been able to set my mind on a specific type. I am about to start university and I’m thinking about getting my degree on physics or an engeneering. My parents have always been very controlling and protective, (I think my dad is an ISTJ and my mom is an ENFP) sometimes to the point they manipulated who my friends were, but they were open-minded in many ways, such as my interests or religion. They never forced me to do anything I really disliked except practicing sports, which I didn’t want to try because I would have to deal with people and I didn’t know how to. I always try to make my decisions based on my beliefs and logical reasoning. When making an important decision I always brainstorm every possibility that I can think of and then try to set my mind on one option, which is difficult to me sometimes as I never stop questioning the benefits of the other ones that I didn’t choose and sometimes that can lead to feelings of regret or not having made the best decision. And finally, I am usually considered to be a socially awkward person and somewhat weird as I don’t follow some social norms as they don’t make any sense or I just simply don’t care. My friends find me sometimes difficult to figure out or have a hard time understanding the connections I make, but fortunately we share similar sense of humor. People tell me I should open up more and talk about what I feel and also leave my bedroom more often or be aware of my surroundings. My biggest fear would be losing my loved ones or not living my life to the fullest and be happy.

I have asked him time and time again to not talk about his family in front of me. He continues to try and vent or just talk about his problematic family members in passing. I don’t give a fuck if your malignant narcissist demon mother went to lunch with your enabler bitch sister!!!
I went NC with both of them for very good reasons. Verbal abuse, physical harm attempts, just plain evilness and insanity. I have a running list a mile long of the shit his mother has pulled. It’s like he gets amnesia and then will occasionally get pissed off at all of them and it seems like we’re on the same team for a few weeks until we’re not again. I don’t understand the back and forth. Sometimes the fog is completely gone and sometimes it’s like he’s a puppet spewing the words of his mother out of his own mouth. His sister enables the absolute shit out of her and is the golden child and her biggest fan. It’s sickening.
I had to report his mother for taking advantage of his father who has memory problems. She is getting rid of his things like he’s already dead because he’s having health issues that she is making much worse by convincing him to ignore it. She keeps trying to give his stuff away to SO saying “dad can’t do that anymore anyway”. I told him to ask him if he wanted to get rid of it and he said no and was upset and had NO idea she was trying to get rid of his things. She blamed it on his memory issues. This ALONE should be enough for him to go NC but he fucking refuses and it’s making me angrier every day. If this were my mother I’d rescue my dad and never talk to her again. He just ignores EVERYTHING she does.
The last time we got in a fight when I said I didn’t want to hear about them he screamed “fine I’ll just pretend like they’re dead then!” Like yeah that’s kind of the point please do that. I’m so fucking fed up with his shit and insistence in burying his head in the fucking sand. I really wonder what would make him go NC? What would she have to do? When is enough enough??? He’s in therapy and even his therapist and mine have said there’s something seriously wrong with her. Before Mother’s Day he was on my side and I don’t know what happened.

A little trigger warning. Nothing graphic but this is my dark space.
I’m from a family of devout Catholics and I hate praying. I believe in God and love Him with all my heart but my mind wonders into unwanted memories/thoughts from meditating/rosary.
We were praying the rosary and I got a flashback. I can’t shake it off; every detail was so vivid. I can still feel the pain that I felt. My memory started where I entered a room and mom and dad were fighting. My mom would lock my brother and I up in the room with her. Night will come and no lights will be lit. We cant go to the bathroom nor eat for the day. Heck, we cant even talk nor play. I can only stare into the nothingness/darkness. It was so quiet yet it was so loud and I felt the pressure in my ears building up . I was young and I can’t say anything or she’ll get mad. It’s a petty fight and my dad wont barge in and “rescue” us. It occurred multiple times but it last only for a day.
This is the reason why I doubt that I have mental health issues or trauma bc it’s not as horrendous as others but it suffocates me. The thought of being stuck in a dark room haunts me. I think this is the root of my OCD and anxiety. I wish I could erase this in my mind.

[TW: talks of SA] I (26f) recently cut all contact with my mom (50f). For 20 years of my life she stayed with my dad who is most definitely a narcissist. She knew very much about the abuse and continued to stay no matter how much I begged her to leave. She had the means to do so and at one point we did leave. For a year, before she took him back and they bought a house together. I begged her not to get back together with him, but she did. I never really thought of my mom as a narcissist, only a victim because of the abuse my dad inflicted on the both of us. He would pin us against each other constantly, so when I was finally kicked out at 18 my mom and I got to experience a relationship without him for the first time. Not long after, they got divorced because the abuse was no longer distributed and was solely focused on her.
When my mom moved out on her own she promised that I would always have a room and a key to any house that she lived in (which has never actually happened because my room has been given away to her boyfriends child who rarely visits). After group and individual therapy things seemed to have gotten better between us. But not long after my mom and dads divorce she immediately got into a relationship. 6 years later she wants to break up with him due to him using her for money and some dangerous behaviors like playing with guns while drunk and punching holes in her walls. She has come to me for advice and reassurance about this decision (which she did to me as a kid with my dad). I have told her it’s more than the right thing to do, and in fact, my child and I won’t be going to her house until this man is gone.
On Mother’s Day (the day before he was supposed to move out) she got back together with him and didn’t tell me until I got on FaceTime with her and saw him at a family gathering I was going to be heading over to. Where she decided to finally tell me that he was in fact staying. She then proceeded to say we can talk about this later and hung up. She knows I won’t show up where this man is, and invited him to Mother’s Day with our family without telling me so I could decide if I was going or not. I reminded her through text my son and I won’t be coming over anymore and I will not be talking to her until he was gone completely. The next day she posted her vacation with him on Instagram and I blocked her on everything.
I booked an emergency appointment with my therapist because of the immediate wave of PTSD I was experiencing from my dad. This brought up so many memories of abuse and her constantly choosing him over me and our safety. All these years she’s told me the reason we didn’t leave was because she was afraid he was going to gain some sort of custody and the only way to protect me was if she was there. But she wasn’t. Her job required her to fly around the country constantly where I was left at home alone with him for some times a week at a time. She never believed any of the abuse I was telling her was happening and continued to take his word for it.
After cutting her off I’ve realized just how toxic she truly was. Anything I ever told her was used against me to gain favoritism with my dad. When I came out to her as bi I told her not to tell my dad because I wanted to wait until he was in a good mood to tell him and she told him that night. My mom has knowingly had sex with my dad in the same room as me multiple times while I was a child. She informed my aunt that I was thinking about taking legal action against my dad (who she knows will tell my dad) for what he did to me as a kid (SA) which she also informed my aunt every detail of. As a child I was never allowed to express myself. I was only allowed to do my hair or wear clothes that she liked (the color or style). She never showed up to my events at school and she doesn’t even know my favorite color or care about any allergies I have. She’ll make dinner for the family and include things I am allergic to. When I talk on the phone with her it feels like she’s waiting to talk about herself and the second I talk about me suddenly she’s too busy to talk. She never respects any boundaries I set for my child when he’s stayed over or even when I’m around. She never wants to learn about my interests but I definitely know hers which include getting mad when I don’t want to go shopping with her for hours on end, knowing I’m broke. The only good things about her that I can remember are when she would buy me things because that was her only way of connecting with me.
The reason I’m asking if she’s a narcissist or just toxic is because I have this idea of a narcissist exhibiting all of the behaviors of my dad. Not everything about her is bad, but the things that are, are BAD. I’m just now coming to terms with my mom’s behavior and whether or not she was just abused for so long that she’s just a victim or if she’s been a narcissist too all along.

Her affair actually ended. She had lied to me and told me it had ended months earlier. She wanted to apologize. The divorce is in the works. Court date at the end of the month.
I wasn’t sure about meeting with her. Every time we met/talked it absolutely ruined my week. I reluctantly agreed.
She informed me that she has come out of a fog and she realizes how poorly she had treated me. She said that she is worried that she may have ruined any chance at an amicable relationship for our son.
I started to get upset and she couldn’t deal with it. She got up and left. Nothing has changed. I have never been given the grace to express my negative emotions. I have always had to walk on eggshells.
I sat reflecting on the experience and I thought I don’t need to be giving of myself to someone who keeps hurting me.
Throughout this whole order Al, I have never raised my voice, if I wasn’t crying, I have remained cool and calm around her.
I got so angry that she came to apologize and didn’t give me to opportunity to be mad at her. This is upsetting. Being mad is what a normal person would be in this situation.
I sent her this message (this is the first message I have ever sent her about our relationship)
“Here is everything I wanted to say to you tonight.
Damn you for blowing up our family and Meng’s family. Things weren’t easy, but they were objectively better than a year prior. We were in a hard season of our marriage. Just look back at all the fucking major life stressors. Baby, moving, new jobs…1,2,3 of the hardest things for couples to whether. You threw it all away so you could have butterflies and tingles. Then you went back and Cherry-picked all the bad shit and rolled it up into a beautiful affair justification. I believe that you were struggling before you cheated, but even your stories aren’t consistent. You didn’t want to end our marriage until you fucked John.
I wasn’t “happy” either Keri. You hadn’t approached me for intimacy either. I longed for it, but it felt gross being the only one to make advances. Every time I tried to bring it up, you would clam up and shut down, so I didn’t want to upset you and somehow make it worse. I maybe brought up our sex life 4 or 5 times over the course of our marriage and you shut down that conversation every time. It was better for me to live a life without the expectation of sex and maintain a loving relationship with my partner rather than risk upsetting you with another attempt at “the talk”.
I never wanted a sexless marriage, but I was willing to compromise. Yes, marriage is about compromise. I tried to make connection with you, I did everything we talked about in therapy. I called you during the day, I rubbed your feet on the couch, I came to bed with you most nights to talk hoping you would give me a signal that you wanted to be intimate. I’m glad you were able to find someone you wanted to have sex with.
I couldn’t get openly upset at anything (especially you) and tell you how I felt because you shut down and withdraw. You do it to you mom. You do it to your dad. I know because I talked to them more often than you did. You did it tonight! As soon as it became uncomfortable, you just left. Everyone who loves you has to walk on fucking egg-shells or else Keri is going to walk away.
I wasn’t perfectly happy either and I had nurses throwing themselves at me since we set foot in a hospital. I managed not to fuck anyone else. I SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN EVERY TIME. let me know if you want specific examples. I could even give you names.
You say you were miserable like that is some kind of excuse. If you were so miserable then you should have just ended the marriage and not fucked John and caused me the most incomprehensible suffering and pain.
You also were unfaithful to Our son when you chose to do this. You robbed him of the chance to have an intact family for your crotch tingles.
You can tell yourself whatever story you need to live with yourself. Go ahead and tell yourself that this doesn’t count as an affair since you were already over the marriage. Make me out to be some awful person. I known you can’t be the villain in your own story apparently. You have written yourself into the hero or victim roll. I was there for all the gaslighting and blame shifting. I remember when you said “I don’t let you be your true self”. What the fuck is that. What a stretch. I never once discouraged you from doing anything you wanted or liked. I supported your every endeavor. I watched your child as you went off to conferences to fuck other men. I know that you 100% believe it. You’ve gaslighted yourself. You’ve reinvented and reshaped your reality and story to make it more palatable.
I am not a bad person, father, or husband, but I was quite broken. Predominantly due to emotional and physical abandonment in our marriage.
You seldom said “I love you” unless I said it first. You seldom expressed appreciation for the things I contributed. You did often suggest that it wasn’t enough, or that I was missing the mark. You broke me down. What I needed was for you to come to me and tell me you were concerned. Instead you were inpatient and irritated. When I was anxious or sad, you were irritated and wanted me to figure out my own shit. I was lonely as hell.
As I said, and seemingly so offensive to you, initially I had never felt as loved and as appreciated by another person before you. (I believe you said it made you feel “vapid”). In addition to your other amazing qualities at the time, your love and devotion was reassuring and made me feel safe and secure. It set you apart from every other person I had ever met. I remember thinking that I had never really known what true love was until I met you. I genuinely felt like I had found my missing piece, my other half.
When that went away, I started to get sick. I mistakenly related my self-worth to what you thought of me. When you stopped appreciating me, I plummeted. Once our son was born, it seemed like I couldn’t do anything right by you. That is a hard place to exist in.
I made WILLING sacrifices for our family, but they were sacrifices nonetheless. You have to appreciate, my life is absolutely not where I wanted it so that you could have what you wanted. Fuck! I am such a fucking chump. I didn’t put up a fight at all. I wanted California, you said no. I wanted Oregon, you said no. I wanted to stay in Philidelphia, you said no. You wanted West Virginia and I said Ok. I never put up a fight because you would most assuredly shut down.
I am a good man. I have good morals. I am committed. I have my faults and struggles and I’m not perfect, but I’m a hell of a father and I loved you. You said it yourself that you would never have to worry about me cheating on you.
I think you feel guilt. You expressed that tonight, but I don’t think you feel remorse. You weren’t asking for forgiveness. I’m fact, you preemptively said that you didn’t expect it!
I am so unbelievably sad, angry, and betrayed. I would have been willing to work through anything (even the fucking infidelity!) to preserve our family. You’re naive if you think you can hurt someone this bad and then get the relationship you want and on your terms.
You also destroyed all the good memories I had of us. I can’t look back on our marriage without seeing through the lens of suspicion. I don’t even know what was real. I know what I felt was real and that’s about it.
You probably have already stopped reading this and I’m 100% sure you’re not brave enough to respond. I have held back for nearly 6 months and I can’t anymore. What you did was fucking terrible. It is the worst thing anyone has ever done to me. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I never knew this depth of sorrow was possible. Washing someone’s dishes while they planned their next conference-fuck-fest via text standing 6ft away from me. Crying because my entire world was falling apart and seeing the look of irritation on your face as you walk silently by. Barely holding on to existence and having to psych myself up because you had invited friends over for dinner and when I said I couldn’t do it, you said “do whatever you want”. You fucking hated me for reasons you invented. You were working as hard as you could to villainize me to live with yourself. The absolute contempt and complete loss of respect you had to have for me. Do yourself a favor and pick up a book on infidelity. Everything you did was ON SCRIPT! You’ll learn a lot about yourself. It takes a special broken person to cheat.
I’m climbing out to the other side of this one rung at a time. Your going to see a complete different person that isn’t going to be walked all over and taken advantage of. I will not be a doormat. I will speak my mind. I will not be afraid to stand up for the things that I want and need to be happy and healthy.
You are losing a really good man. Maybe you’ll never realize that. Maybe you don’t give a fuck. Maybe it’s not even a loss to you. I am the fucking prize here Keri. I am a smart, charming, motivated, good looking, and now fit/healthy surgeon who is an excellent father and wants more kids. I am the fucking prize. You don’t see that for some reason.
I’m around if you want to talk.
Kind regards,
Me

If you want, you can see my previous very long post about our breakup for more details (this one will also probably be pretty long tbh). Everyone’s comments along with a few therapy sessions made me realize how one sided our relationship was. I’ve been in much longer and more committed relationships than this one, and had much worse breakups all things considered. But I’ve never felt like this. I know that grief isn’t a linear process. It comes in waves. However, I’ve always prided myself on being calm and collected even in the worst of times. I managed to hold it together pretty well when I lost my dad a year and a half ago, and worked through that in a healthy way. Why can’t I do that now? It’s been a month and a half. This should be so much smaller in the grand scheme of things.
I saw her yesterday at the grocery store, we were using self checkouts right next to each other. We ended up basically walking out together. I think she noticed me and just tried to pretend I didn’t exist. I immediately felt sick to my stomach, with this mix of deep sadness and anger. It took everything I had not to fall apart right then and there. I couldn’t eat dinner, and still managed to puke when I got home and then again in the middle of the night after waking up from a dream about us.
A realization that I had after my last post is how little she would compromise on things. A few of you that said that I was a doormat, and you’re right. I somehow let so many things slip that I shouldn’t have. It was her first serious relationship, she wasn’t used to having to compromise much. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She asked so much of me, maybe too much, and I gave to her maybe too freely. But the few times that I asked things of her, she’d almost always say no.
I wanted to watch Home Alone over Christmas. It was a tradition that I shared with my dad, some of my earliest memories are about that. I wanted to continue that tradition and I couldn’t bring myself to do it alone, so I asked her to watch it with me. I explained how important it was. She refused, time after time, every stay at home date we had between Thanksgiving and New Years. She went on rants about how traditions are stupid, and how she hates movies about kids (yet we watched the Harry Potter movies at her request, the first few are made by the same people that made Home Alone). It’s like she didn’t even hear me asking for support when I needed her, she only heard that I was asking her to put up with something she didn’t like for an hour and a half. On the other hand, I never said no to her.
This played out time and time again, in small and big ways. My mom was going to give us the money for our dream vacation to Ireland. All she wanted in return was a nice picture of us in front of something recognizably Irish, a castle or something. She was doing this incredibly nice thing for us, and just asked for that one thing. She just wanted to see me happy, traveling the world with the person I love, after having to give up the last 4 years of my life dealing with my dad’s illness (along with losing all of my grandparents and 2 uncles in the same timeframe) But my ex didn’t like having her picture taken. She would put up with it for friends and family, but if I asked her? Never. We have 3 pictures together, all of which are shitty group photos with her friends. Can’t even tell we were a couple.
Then there’s the big thing that led to our breakup. She wanted me to anticipate her needs without her needing to say them. She hated when I asked how best to help her when she was struggling and overwhelmed, saying that I needed to show initiative. She talked a lot about “mental loads” and such. I tried to support her as much as possible (often doing too much, as many of you said), but sometimes I’d miss the mark. She’d get so frustrated with me, and we’d sit down and talk things out. She’d tell me all of these things she needed from me, and I genuinely put in so much effort trying to work on it.
The only thing that I asked for in return is if I missed the mark, to please guide me to what she needed. I did it all the time for her, she was honestly awful at supporting me. If I was venting, had a bad day, all she’d say was “I’m sorry”, and pat me on the back like a puppy. No effort to dig deeper. No words of support or encouragement. Not even a kiss or a hug. I had to show her how I needed support. I never got mad or frustrated, I recognized this was something we had to communicate about and it was my job to open that communication.
So when we’d have those conversations about how she needed support, and she was asking all of these things of me that felt like mind reading, all I asked of her was to do what I did when she missed the mark. Just that one little thing to save our relationship. It was nothing compared to what she was asking from me, and it was for her own benefit. I put in the work, got us 80% of the way there. I knew I couldn’t bridge the gap on my own. I begged her time and time again. But instead of listening and guiding me to what she needed, she did the exact opposite. Full silent treatment at the very first text of support from me, because she wanted something more/different.
That refusal to compromise ruined everything. I know anger is part of the stages of grief, but I’m just so angry all the time. I know you can’t tell based off of what was said here and in my other post, she is genuinely a great person. She didn’t do any of this maliciously. I don’t believe that she’s evil. But I can’t help but to look at all the work I put in vs all the work that she put in, after being told that I wasn’t doing enough and she was putting more effort into the relationship. Being told that she didn't know me when she didn't seem to put in the effort to know me. Being told that it's my fault we didn't have a plan for the future, when I was always bringing it up and she was always shooting me down. Is this what gaslighting is? None of it makes sense and it's driving me insane.
I don’t even know if I’m more angry at her or myself. Should have I been more proactive? Enforced stronger boundaries? Been more clear in what I needed from her? I don’t know. Maybe I am just a doormat. I just know that I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to be that guy that’s angry and bitter about their ex, and I’m terrified that’s exactly what I’m becoming.

If you want, you can see my previous very long post about our breakup for more details (this one will also probably be pretty long tbh). Everyone’s comments along with a few therapy sessions made me realize how one sided our relationship was. I’ve been in much longer and more committed relationships than this one, and had much worse breakups all things considered. But I’ve never felt like this. I know that grief isn’t a linear process. It comes in waves. However, I’ve always prided myself on being calm and collected even in the worst of times. I managed to hold it together pretty well when I lost my dad a year and a half ago, and worked through that in a healthy way. Why can’t I do that now? It’s been a month and a half. This should be so much smaller in the grand scheme of things.
I saw her yesterday at the grocery store, we were using self checkouts right next to each other. We ended up basically walking out together. I think she noticed me and just tried to pretend I didn’t exist. I immediately felt sick to my stomach, with this mix of deep sadness and anger. It took everything I had not to fall apart right then and there. I couldn’t eat dinner, and still managed to puke when I got home and then again in the middle of the night after waking up from a dream about us.
A realization that I had after my last post is how little she would compromise on things. A few of you that said that I was a doormat, and you’re right. I somehow let so many things slip that I shouldn’t have. It was her first serious relationship, she wasn’t used to having to compromise much. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She asked so much of me, maybe too much, and I gave to her maybe too freely. But the few times that I asked things of her, she’d almost always say no.
I wanted to watch Home Alone over Christmas. It was a tradition that I shared with my dad, some of my earliest memories are about that. I wanted to continue that tradition and I couldn’t bring myself to do it alone, so I asked her to watch it with me. I explained how important it was. She refused, time after time, every stay at home date we had between Thanksgiving and New Years. She went on rants about how traditions are stupid, and how she hates movies about kids (yet we watched the Harry Potter movies at her request, the first few are made by the same people that made Home Alone). It’s like she didn’t even hear me asking for support when I needed her, she only heard that I was asking her to put up with something she didn’t like for an hour and a half. On the other hand, I never said no to her.
This played out time and time again, in small and big ways. My mom was going to give us the money for our dream vacation to Ireland. All she wanted in return was a nice picture of us in front of something recognizably Irish, a castle or something. She was doing this incredibly nice thing for us, and just asked for that one thing. She just wanted to see me happy, traveling the world with the person I love, after having to give up the last 4 years of my life dealing with my dad’s illness (along with losing all of my grandparents and 2 uncles in the same timeframe) But my ex didn’t like having her picture taken. She would put up with it for friends and family, but if I asked her? Never. We have 3 pictures together, all of which are shitty group photos with her friends. Can’t even tell we were a couple.
Then there’s the big thing that led to our breakup. She wanted me to anticipate her needs without her needing to say them. She hated when I asked how best to help her when she was struggling and overwhelmed, saying that I needed to show initiative. She talked a lot about “mental loads” and such. I tried to support her as much as possible (often doing too much, as many of you said), but sometimes I’d miss the mark. She’d get so frustrated with me, and we’d sit down and talk things out. She’d tell me all of these things she needed from me, and I genuinely put in so much effort trying to work on it.
The only thing that I asked for in return is if I missed the mark, to please guide me to what she needed. I did it all the time for her, she was honestly awful at supporting me. If I was venting, had a bad day, all she’d say was “I’m sorry”, and pat me on the back like a puppy. No effort to dig deeper. No words of support or encouragement. Not even a kiss or a hug. I had to show her how I needed support. I never got mad or frustrated, I recognized this was something we had to communicate about and it was my job to open that communication.
So when we’d have those conversations about how she needed support, and she was asking all of these things of me that felt like mind reading, all I asked of her was to do what I did when she missed the mark. Just that one little thing to save our relationship. It was nothing compared to what she was asking from me, and it was for her own benefit. I put in the work, got us 80% of the way there. I knew I couldn’t bridge the gap on my own. I begged her time and time again. But instead of listening and guiding me to what she needed, she did the exact opposite. Full silent treatment at the very first text of support from me, because she wanted something more/different.
That refusal to compromise ruined everything. I know anger is part of the stages of grief, but I’m just so angry all the time. I know you can’t tell based off of what was said here and in my other post, she is genuinely a great person. She didn’t do any of this maliciously. I don’t believe that she’s evil. But I can’t help but to look at all the work I put in vs all the work that she put in, after being told that I wasn’t doing enough and she was putting more effort into the relationship. Being told that she didn't know me when she didn't seem to put in the effort to know me. Being told that it's my fault we didn't have a plan for the future, when I was always bringing it up and she was always shooting me down. Is this what gaslighting is? None of it makes sense and it's driving me insane.
I don’t even know if I’m more angry at her or myself. Should have I been more proactive? Enforced stronger boundaries? Been more clear in what I needed from her? I don’t know. Maybe I am just a doormat. I just know that I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to be that guy that’s angry and bitter about their ex, and I’m terrified that’s exactly what I’m becoming.

This is gonna be a long and personal one. If you do read it, I appreciate it. I absolutely understand if you don’t though. With that all being said, I’m hoping Gabriel sees this.
I had my fourth call today with LM nearly two hours ago now (yes, it’s taken this long for or me to find the ‘right’ words). We went through more directions and not to give anything away, but I was surprised and confused a bit (may make another post with spoilers to ask here about it to see if anyone else has had the same happen to them, we’ll see). It was a nice distraction. I then tried to make an appointment. We talked of family for a moment. It was nice to remember something that I didn’t for a very, very long time.
As the call went on, my mind trailed to my father. (TW: Intense medical procedure). He’s currently in a hospital out of state still recovering from a double lung transplant he had a week ago. The first time I got to talk with him since the surgery happened was yesterday. It’s already been a long six year process. I didn’t realize just how long of a road it would still be until I heard my dad’s voice last night.
To further explain— I have a high functioning auditory memory. I am able to remember and recall the sounds and/or voices that I hear for long periods of time (which can sometimes be up to years in my case). Voices, music, etc. tend to mean a lot to me. So, I was shocked and a bit heartbroken when I realized that my dad didn’t sound or even process some things the same as he used to a week after the surgery. It’s my first time experiencing anything like this, so I was taken aback a bit.
I began to get anxious during the phone call while memories of him flooded in without warning and I didn’t want to ruin the rest of the experience. So, I tried to make something out of it. And I opened up. I remembered you can say if you’re having a psychological emergency. So, I let Gabriel know.
When explaining why I felt anxious, it was odd for me. Usually I’m very sure in how I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it. It’s been a long road with my dad’s health. I wasn’t sure other than ‘anxious’ how to describe where I was at. Thank you for bearing through it and for your patience with me, Gabriel, if you do read this.
He took me through a few breaths, but then let me know that he couldn’t take me through the whole emergency process. He dropped his ‘customer service’ voice as he explained that we only had 30 seconds left of our call today. I told him ‘it’s okay’, with a slight waver in my voice that I poorly tried to hide. ‘It’s hard when someone you love.. starts to become different due to medical.. (TW: swearing) shit . I don’t know what else to say.’ ‘I appreciate you saying anything, honest. Thank you.’ The bell rang. I took my survey. I thanked him. The call ended.
His honesty, even when not knowing what to say, gave me more comfort than almost any other conversation I’ve had about my dad. It really, really is hard. And he recognized that.
I didn’t realize until the call was over that when I thanked him, I thanked him by another name. I do apologize, I truly didn’t mean to. I promise that I know your name. I sat with myself for a while wondering why I called him that specific name of all names. I would say why, but I feel as though I’ve already opened up a lot today.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for hearing me.
I wanted to talk about this moment in particular during my call today because I wanted to say that if there’s anyone reading this going through any similar or unrelated struggles— reach out. Doesn’t have to be to LM. Trust me when I say that I definitely didn’t plan on it being LM or Gabriel. It can be with a loved one or someone close. Doesn’t have to be someone close either. Just as long as you reach out to someone rather than hold on to whatever struggle you’re going through. It’s terrifying, yes. But you never know. You could really find comfort in an unexpected and unplanned conversation. I did.
Gabriel. Thank you. Until Next Time.

i’ve recently told her and made a comment about her everyday little judgmental comments about my personal life. im still not graduated from highschool so i have to live with her until. i told her how she avoids every problems about her and gaslights other people into thinking they are in the wrong. and also how judgmental she is. she responded to me about how i view her as a typical asian tiger mom that’s strict and judgmental and she isn’t. im the crazy one that views her as this person. she said all her comments werent meant that way and was just curious about my personal life. and to be honest, she is supportive to whatever i do but is extremely judgmental and used whatever of my personal information to embarrass me infront of people or with her friends. it’s because of this power struggle that she’s projecting because her parents favors her little sister more and the victim card she uses everytime she’s losing in an argument or doesnt go her way. she’s also been manipulating me my whole life; indoctrinating me into christianity as a child by forcing me to go to church events for hours or making me demonize my father as they were constantly fighting.(my oldest memory with both of my parents were when i was 5 years old standing behind my mom while they were yelling and fighting)(also, my asian dad did physically abuse me and my older sister as a child for dumb reasons while he was drunk 7 years later soooo she wasnt wrong but i was still fucking 5). these types of reasons led me to distance the shit out of her and become separated from both of my parents. she would now say “ you were so bright and talkative, who are you now?” i needed to vent about this and did to my older sister but she snitched on me (my whole family thinks im just crazy and im coping). its because she still is dependent on my mom (she’s 19 in college). she’s dependent on my mom because my dad was her abuser but she fails to realize both of our parents were abusers. one mentally and one physically.
anyways, im already planning out to cut them off after i graduate college as i cant cut them off yet because i also want a career and a future. my parents sees me as like a retirement plan and believes that im going to treat them well when i have some type of job but little do they know they’re not getting a single fucking penny.
my question is how the fuck do i keep my mind straight until i finish college? i still didnt finish high school yet (got one more year left) and i just want to know how to deal with this bullshit. its building up stress and this hidden disgust and anger i feel everytime she gaslights me or acts like the victim when we have an argument. or when she tries to get something out of me.
i understand how she probably wants to know what’s going on with me as i distanced with her but im not fucking falling for this shit again.