The people of this sub have been immensely helpful with planning our big Japan adventure and I’d like to return the favour by sharing these tips for those who plan on going to Japan as a big group. While most advise against such big group trips in Japan and it is a logistical challenge, I just want to reassure you that it can be done. We travelled the golden route of Tokyo-Kyoto-Osaka during peak season from April 1-13 and our group was between the age group of 34-54 with kids in the age group of 12-16. Here are some tips. (I apologise in advance for the length of this.)

1. Create a group chat with those interested atleast 8 months prior to desired travel dates. Set out a broad budget for the entire trip so participants can save up if needed.
2. In a large group it’s important to have a core team of planners who research and help execute things for the broader group. Try to keep this between 2-4 people because one person can’t do it all and more people will add confusion.
3. 6 months prior look up flights for desired travel dates. It’s good to have options so people can choose. If people choose alternate flights or alternate dates that’s totally fine, each one’s budget and travel needs are different.
4. Once the travel dates are fixed and tickets are booked create an itinerary of where you want to go and how many days you want to stay in each place. Again if some in the group want to deviate to a different place, that’s cool. It’s important to stress that not everyone needs to be everywhere and do everything TOGETHER at the same time.
5. Look up hotel options, atleast 3 per place and go with the majority. If the finalised hotels don’t meet the requirements of some travellers they can look for something close by in the vicinity. (Stay in Japan is easy to find and there are plenty of choices for varied kinds of travellers. Book early if you are going during peak season.)
6. A google sheet is a good way to create an itinerary and sharing it will keep everyone informed. While planning each day stick to things to do + places to see in areas in the locality/vicinity. (For example we did - Meiji, Harajuku, Omotesando, Shibuya, Naka Meguro in one day)
7. 3 months prior to travel make a list of things to do and see while inviting suggestions from everyone else. Fill the same in the google sheet.
8. 2 month prior to travel share Visa requirements and details so people can start their paperwork. It’s also important to stress that there is a lot of walking involved and it would be best if people walked more in preparation for the trip.
9. As a large group you might want to do some things together so it’s better to book these in advance (We booked these on Klook - Team Labs borderless, Osaka Castle, Shibuya Kart, Yomiuriland jewel illumination, Naked Sakura at Nijo Castle + Train tickets - Tokyo - Kyoto, Kyoto - Osaka, Osaka - Tokyo, Osaka - Kobe (Hello Kitty Shinkansen)
10. If a tour to Mt. Fuji is on your itinerary, and if everyone wants to go, it’s best to book that in advance as well. Klook has a ton of options - Instagramable hotspots, Shopping at Gotemba, return via bullet train, Fuji + Hakone etc etc. (We chose one on Viator that took us to Oishi Park, Lake Kawaguchiko, Saiko Iyashi No Sato Nemba and Arakurayama Sengen/Chureito Pagoda.)
11. 1 month prior to travel dates most attractions open up. If the group wants to do these things people will have to sit in front of their laptops at 12am JST to book the same because tickets sell out in minutes. (Tickets we booked this way - Shibuya Sky sunset tickets, Sagano Romantic train rich car tickets, Aoniyoshi luxury train tickets to Nara (tickets are sold 1 month prior at 10:30 am JST).
12. 2 weeks to travel date, book Limousine bus tickets. (We found these to be the BEST way to and from Narita. Both hotels we stayed at had an approximate 5 minute walking distance from the bus stop. Please bear in mind each person can only take 2 big bags each.)
13. 1 week to travel, download UIBIGI/Airalo for eSIM. (Share your referral code so others can get a discount and you can get discount vouchers as well. The 10GB plan was enough to last 11 days..) Those who have iPhones and Apple wallet can download Suica/Pasmo on their phones.
14. Fill up the form on Visit Japan Web, to expedite your immigration process.
15. Inform people of the weather conditions atleast a week before travel thereby making packing easy. (Right before we went there was a cold wave and winds that were knocking people off their feet. There were also days of rain forecasted. Some of us went prepared, while some had to stop at Uniqlo to shop.)
16. If the rate is good, you can exchange yen in advance or choose to withdraw it from the ATM if there are no additional withdrawal fees.
17. D-Day- You made it this far so take a group selfie before getting on that plane ;)

A few things to remember - - Go with the flow. You can have all your plans made but things may not work out the way you planned for it to. We booked Shibuya Sky sunset tickets but the sky deck was closed because of rain. We made reservations for the Shibuya kart but it was cancelled due to rain and rescheduled for another day. - Talking about the Shibuya Kart, people here almost convinced us not to do it because of how it inconveniences the locals, but honestly the experience was unlike anything I’ve ever had and I’m so glad I did it. - As a large group you’re very lucky if you all get place at one restaurant to eat. But We only made a reservation at Gonpachi Nishiazabu knowing all of us would fit, but otherwise we broke up into smaller groups to eat our meals. - You will lose people to shopping, to food, to the million distractions that Japan has to offer. Set a time and place to reconvene. - It’s hard to keep track of everyone in crowded cities like Tokyo, Kyoto and Osaka. Know that people will be left behind, or may not make the same train or get lost in a station. Pin your location on the group chat and use Google maps or google live view to find each other. - Have a group leader who will look up train/bus routes and go ahead to chart out which platform/direction to head in. - It’s also important to inform people of the time of departure the night before, so everyone will be on time to leave to the station/attraction at the specified time. Also know that there will be late comers, and instead of making everyone early wait, split the group in two and leave in batches. - Use luggage forwarding. This was a real saviour on this trip and it only took a day for our bags to reach. Some people put air tags in their bags to track them just to be sure. - The konbinis were our second life saviours. While sometimes finding the right kind of food was a task, we would head to a 7/11, Family mart or Lawson to snack and then continue hunting for food. - Since we booked our Shinkansen tickets on Klook we had to get our tickets printed at one of the specific JR ticketing machines. We did this as soon as we landed at the Narita airport. The process was smooth and seamless and saved us time and hassle finding and printing them out at Tokyo Station. There was a counter that also sold Suica cards when we arrived and we bought ours there. - The best time to go to Don Quijote is 7am. Very few people and no one at the tax free line. - If you see something you like, buy it. If you see something to eat, eat it. If there’s a place you want to go, go. It’s good to break away from the group and do your own thing. - Lastly, this trip will probably be stressful but you’ll look back at all the fun pictures and videos you took and you’ll know it was worth it. Most of us wish we could go back again this year. That’s how bad the Japan hangover is!!!

So we've all been there. We've all been made to pray 5 times a day. Some of us went from loving it to hating it but one thing can't be denied... Namaz is extremely inconvenient in our private as well as social lives. Even tho mullas keep saying how prayers take only 5 minutes of your time; here are some of the instances where yours and someone else's prayers becomes torturesome:
Waking up for fajar prayer
Imagine being a night shift worker or a student who has been studying late or is insomniac. And as soon as you fall asleep the loudspeakers come alive with the sounds of ALLAHUAKBAR and "salaat is better than sleep"... And you have to drag yourself up again, make wudu, to attend to a diety that muhammad told you to do. Your sleep has been interrupted. You got no REM sleep and you'll have dark circles for days. All thanks to prayers.
The conditions for wudu post coitus
Imagine living in a cold area...being married and having to wake up wayyy before others before dawn along with your spouse to take a bath because having coitus made you too impure for fajar prayers. Now you are lucky if you have a geezer and hot bath systems but if you're anything like most of the middle to lower class asian muslim population, you'll have to start a fire... Heat up the water for the bath. And then secretly take a bath so your in-laws don't find out what you did the night prior. And god says "i keep your secrets veiled". Imagine being physical as muslim couples. It's so damn sad that you almost always have to pray. So there's little to no chance to do it during the day or to stay in bed after... Islamic relationships have no concept of love anyway.
Wudu conditions post a night fall
I'm not a guy but to think. If you have a night fall or you happen to masturbate...you'd have to wake up filled with shame and guilt and you'd also have to shower before fajar. You'll be eyed in the mosque and at home because everyone will know you did something so very shameful.
Inconvenience in travel/businesses
If you live in the middle east then you know what i mean. Everytime you're in a public transport vehicle and it's time for prayers, especially fridays, the driver won't even bother to ask the passengers and stop at a rest area and everyone will jump out to go pray. If you choose to stay behind then you'll be stared at and some goody two shoes muslim might also ask you to come along. Disregarding anyone's urgency, disregarding other people's beliefs because they're in majority. Not caring that people have to get places. You have a mother in ICU?? Well you better wait until Abdul and Ahmed are done praying.
Needless to say, the doctors themselves might be on a namaz break. So you just wait there and anxiously see the minutes trickle by.
Women praying every which way
This one annoys me as a girl so damn much. You go to a funeral home and someone of your party will definitely leave to go to a room and pray. You are at a wedding and someone's taking their nailpaint off in that one corner to go make wudu. The music gets turned off. There's water splashed all over in the wash basins.
Someone's a guest at your home, they use the washrooms and leave the slippers wet because...wudu. ALWAYS the wet slippers. Hell there'll even be some loonies praying while you're on a hill station on a picnic.
You make tea, call your mom and she's praying until the tea goes cold... Every damn day. How are these women ALWAYS praying? They honestly have nothing else to do with their lives so they revolve around that one thing they're in control of.
Everything you do, someone's always praying. Ruining your time as well. Pestering you to pray too. All for what? All for a god who couldn't care less about them. All because a selfish pedophilac epileptic told them there's someone up there who needs you to do everything thrice because god apparently has OCD.
Do share the ways prayers inconvenience you too.

At my 40 week appointment my OB scheduled us for an induction on the morning of 41+4 just in case. She doesn’t like to let her patients go past 41+3 but they were already booked up for that day. I wanted to labor with as few interventions as possible so I really wanted Baby to come on her own before the induction. At 40 weeks I had mild period cramp feelings and I was 1 cm and 50 percent effaced (I was closed at 39 weeks so this was progress). We had an ultrasound and did a membrane sweep at 40 + 5 and I was 2 cm and 60 percent effaced then. The sweep was fast and painless. Only slightly uncomfortable for a second. After the sweep I had contractions that were so slow and gradual and low in intensity that I had a hard time telling when one was beginning and ending. They crept up slowly and went away slowly. The contractions stopped the next day and I got another sweep at 41 weeks. At the second sweep I was 3 cm and 60 percent effaced. The contractions came back after the second sweep but stayed slow and gradual and far apart.
On Saturday morning (41+2) we decided to do all our last minute if we don’t do it now it won’t get done kind of chores. I changed the sheets on our bed and vacuumed while my husband dug a garden bed. Then we both planted the watermelon, cucumber, and squash seedlings that we had started a few weeks before. Then we went on a long walk at our favorite park. All day I was having the slow wave “is that a contraction?” contractions. After our walk we came back and ate an easy dinner. At 8 pm I started feeling more clear contractions and they were happening 12-15 minutes apart. We started timing them and we went upstairs to our bedroom. We had one lamp on with a t-shirt over it to make the room as dark as possible. I had binaural beats playing on a speaker and I rotated between side lying, all fours, and standing with my hands against the bathroom counter. My husband did counter pressure on my hips through every contraction and that helped me a lot. Once contractions were 4-5 minutes apart we called the hospital and got ready to go. He loaded up the car between contractions and set up some pillows in the trunk so I could ride on all fours. We got to the hospital around 11:30 pm. When we got to the hospital I was surprised by all the paperwork we had to do. They handed us an iPad with a ton of documents about payment and insurance and other things that had to be initialed and signed. Since we’re married my husband was able to sign everything for me. It was still annoying though to be in the bright fluorescent lights with people asking for things from me. Once we got back into triage we were able to dim the lights but the paperwork continued. I had pre-registered online a few months prior but the nurse still had what felt like a million questions she had to ask me and enter into the computer. She was also extremely peppy and loud but very sweet. I was 5.5 cm when they checked me at triage. It was about 12:30 am by the time we got into an actual labor room. I did the loading dose of IV penicillin for GBS and although it didn’t burn like they said it would, it made my arm feel very cold and uncomfortable. We packed a lot of different snacks but my favorite one was the honey sticks. Later into the evening I started having a lot of painful back labor and we did several contractions in lunging positions and that helped shift the contractions from back to front. My bag of waters hadn’t broken still. I asked for a cervical check around 6 am and I was 7 cm and 80 percent effaced. The contractions kept coming and my husband was there doing counter pressure or holding a heat pack to my back or both at the same time for each one. We tried nitrous oxide for a while and my husband was looking at the monitor telling me when the next contraction was building so I could start inhaling the nitrous oxide at the very beginning. I didn’t feel like it did much for me so I stopped using the nitrous oxide after maybe 10 contractions. We did the second dose of the IV penicillin and then I declined any further doses after that. I spoke with my doctor about not wanting more than 2 doses and she was ok with that. I was starting to get really tired by this point. I was dozing off between contractions and then snapping back awake once the next one started. I vomited and we took that as a sign that I was in transition and hopefully close to pushing. I asked for another check at this point which was about 9:00 a.m. and I was at 8 cm. In my mind I had decided that if I wasn’t at 9.5 or 10 cm I wanted the epidural. Physically I couldn’t keep up any more. The contractions were hitting me back to back and my breathing was starting to get fast and ragged. Up to this point I was able to control my breathing and mirror my husband’s breathing if I got a little off track. I had to get a saline bag in my IV before they could place the epidural and that took about 30 minutes. I had a few contractions while they were placing the epidural and that was hard. Once I got the epidural the nurse and my husband got me into a side lying position with the peanut ball. I had dozed off for about 15 minutes when the nurse rushed in because Baby’s heart rate was dropping. They quickly rolled me over onto my other side and her heart rate came back up. I got another cervical check around 11 am and I was at 9.75 cm. Close but not ready to start pushing yet. My bag of waters was still intact and bulging out of me like a balloon. A little while later the doctor came by and broke my water bag and shortly after it was time to start pushing. We tried a lot of different positions: side lying with the peanut ball, seated, stirrups with knees in and ankles out, and a squat on the squat bar with a sheet to pull on (tug-of-war). I pushed for about 3 hours and the tug-of-war position was the most effective. The last two contractions I could really feel how close she was to being born. The doctor had applied oil and was doing an intense perineal massage while I was pushing for those last 2 contractions. At 2 pm she was born and the cord was short so they placed her onto my belly. My husband cut the cord and the placenta was delivered soon after. I had one second degree tear but otherwise I’m doing very well. Baby was born healthy and a good size (8 lb 11 oz). It has only been a few days since her birth but I feel very happy with the way it went. I’m thankful I could have the epidural for pushing and also glad that I got to actively labor for the majority.

My wife and I found out that the baby miscarried recently. It should have been 10 weeks and was struggling to grow. And yesterday confirm its little heart had stopped beating.
So as we’re soaking in what exactly this means, I’m trying to find music to help me feel and process. (Melodies and music accompanied by good lyrics are often things that help me process. There’s nothing really better and nothing that makes you feel the emotions deeply more than a good honest song.) I’ve found some Christian songs, songs by Christians, and just honest songs that are inspired by or about a miscarriage the artist had. I’m trying to gather more and make a playlist for us.
Can you share a song that helped your through this time, songs you know that were written because of a miscarriage or any songs you know about this? And even some praise songs for coming out of this experience.
So far I already have: Gone Too Soon - Daughtry; Heaven Someday (Song for Our Baby - Shelley E Johnson; Perfect Way to Start - Craig Aven; One Day - Christa Wells Any more would be so very helpful.

I live in a populated city and usually take public transportation and or walk to places as my mode of transportation( a car isn’t an option as I’m a college student and I’m handling that first). Whenever I’m traveling in my city, whether by bus or walking, their eyes always follow me and it makes me uncomfortable, to the say the least. Not that it matters(to me atleast), but I should add that I cover up, and am mostly leaving the house in black leggings and a coat or hoodie.
I want to go on walks around my city for health reasons and to just take in the scenery but it’s difficult because even in the suburbs, I have BM gawking at me while they have a little girl in the car or they’re honking at me!! I try my hardest to disengage, bc staring back only invites further harassment, but disengaging is difficult when all I can think about is how I feel them staring at me.
I’m thinking of bringing up this up in therapy, because I think my trauma from my last relationship with a BM is playing into why I’m very uncomfortable around them, to the point it’s disrupting my life(I’ve been coming up with excuses to not go on walks because of this). I know the stares are something out of my control considering I can’t control people, but I’d love to be able to come to terms with this, disengage from it completely, and enjoy my life.
Currently, my strategy is to look straight ahead, scroll on my phone, or play music, aka pretend it isn’t happening even though it clearly is. Thankfully, I haven’t been harassed to the point where my life is in danger, but I am planning on carrying some pepper spray or mace soon. I also feel like my weight might play into it, so I’m on a weight loss journey, but even prior to this, it still happened…

https://imgur.com/gallery/ZwRLIYG
Hello 😊, and thank you for taking your time to read my post, I appreciate that alot. I'm on here looking for someone I can get to know building up a friendship with a few similar interests. Be able to be open and so easy to talk too. I love having a person who can hold a conversation, having talks that ramble on for hours and that's shows true connection. I use discord mostly to chat, only message me if you don't ghost or disappear. I've not got time to waste on such people.
I've been on here multiple times searching for my girl. I've had unlucky situations, bad experiences but I've met alot of very nice people and I wish them all the best in their search. I just want to share experiences with a girl who puts in the same effort as me to get the best outcome from reddit we can 😊.
About me: - I'm 27, male from Scotland UK - Im a car mechanic by trade and a aircraft engineer by honours degree and hope and try to get my foot in the industry soon. - I spend most of my time gaming mostly on ps5 for games like destiny 2, overwatch 2, dark souls games and many more niche games too. Big gamer - I spend a bit of my time going to the gym to better myself, atleast 3-5 times a week which I really enjoy doing, brings out a sense of joy. - Music plays so much into me as a person, I can't go through a day without hours of music, very wide taste in music but mainly metal and rock. - physically I'm 6ft 2, white as they come 😂 and think I'm decently attractive for looks 😀, but I'll let yous be the judges of that.
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Well that's a long post about me hopefully someone has had their interest piqued and I'll reply to every message sent. Send me your name, age, location and something that's makes your day happy 😊. Your pic gets mine. Thank you again for reading and love to hear from everyone. Enjoy your day and I appreciate everyone here 😊

Let’s get the obvious out of the way.
Being a PI sucks. It’s not what you think. It’s pretty much harassing women. Men hire PIs to go harass their wives and girlfriends and once in a blue moon you get asked to find a missing dog, or to harass a man instead. But that’s it, really. Sometimes I’m looking for hard evidence of infidelity, but a lot of the time my clients just want to rattle the soon-to-be-ex. To make them paranoid and jittery and less reliable in a courtroom, or less likely to pay attention to small print agreements that stiff them out of the holiday home. So that’s my job. I’m a pawn and it is almost always on behalf of the kind of men who think women reading a book in public are secretly looking for male attention.
I don’t have an office. I did for a short while. But things are tough, as I’m sure many of you know, and PI work isn’t exactly lucrative. I don’t know why I’m still doing this job, except to say I’m my own boss, and it’s not easy out there. I went into this with vastly different expectations. If anyone wants to hire someone who was convicted of insurance fraud while training to be a police officer, let me know. Otherwise I’m on my own, following people in cars and sleeping in dingy motels. So when this new job came along, a craigslist ad looking for a guy to stalk them, I just figured it was a fetish thing. I got a nephew who went to art school and makes big bucks painting cartoon characters doing fucked up stuff. He ain’t painting the Sistine Chapel, but he pays the bills and looks after his family. I figure if that work is good enough for him, it’s good enough for me.
So I met the woman who posted the ad and was surprised at how normal she looked. It was in a public place, a park with a nice bench. And even though it was starting to rain a little we didn’t let it bother either of us. We sat there, two tape recorders running, and hashed it out. She said she liked me. If she hadn’t she wouldn’t have gotten out of her car. That was flattering coming from her. Good looking woman. Professional. I didn’t know at the time but I’d quickly figure out she was a forensic accountant.
Anyway, we got talking. She never gave me her motivation, but I would later come to understand her as an amateur narcissist. She was new at loving herself. She was smart, accomplished, and actually rather beautiful provided you didn’t spend a great deal of time agonising over things like symmetry or eyebrows, and instead paid attention to how a smile reaches the eyes, or how laughter sounds when it catches someone by surprise. But she grew up dirt poor and spent her teen years unable to visit the dentist, or access a gym, or even just eat home cooked food that wasn’t microwaved. Plump frame, blotchy skin, hair she kept short with a pair of scissors because her and her mother relied on the shampoo and soap they stole from the motel where they shared cleaning shifts. When she fumbled awkward questions at some of the better looking boys in her class, she rarely met with success. That’s not to say she was an outcast, either. She had a social life. It’s just poor kids have to grow up early. Prom’s a luxury. Eating isn’t. If you know, you know. Otherwise you might be surprised by just how fucking tough it can be for some kids in this country. Anyway, she got out of that hole, fought tooth and nail, got an education, a good job, and by the time she finished her victory lap and took stock of her life she was thirty-five years old and a thousand miles from the trailer she was raised in.
And she looked good. The woman in the mirror was a stranger that she wanted to get to know. I think hiring me was an act of self-love. I think if she could have, she would have sat in a car and watched herself get a cup of coffee, spying closely at the professional looking woman doing a little half-run half-skip to get out of the rain. The way she stood in line rocking back and forth on her heels to the music in her airpods thinking no one’d notice. She wanted to admire herself, but unable to time travel or clone herself, she instead resorted to hiring me as a kind of proxy.
I had my own boundaries, of course. They covered anything that was gonna get me in trouble. The gist of the contract, after a nice week spent meeting after work and talking, was that I was to follow her as often as I could and just… observe her. Photos. Videos. Secret recordings. Occasionally a little bit more. Nothing physical. For example, one time I inventoried her handbag after she left it in a taxi by accident. I’m not a photographer, but something about all those knick knacks laid out on a motel bed snapped with a black and white polaroid, it looked good. Like something you’d see in a fancy gallery. Avant garde my nephew would say. She loved it. Paid me a bonus for it and everything.
Anyway, this carried on like this for about six months. They were… interesting times. Tailing her across train stations, racing across open parking lots to install a tracker on her car, standing on a bridge and dropping an air tag in her bag as she walked past. It was a little bit like being a spy. She even paid for me to buy high end equipment. Crazy stuff. One camera, I could sit on my balcony and read the texts on her phone from a block away. Occasionally there were days where I couldn’t or wouldn’t keep up the required intensity. Stalking requires a lot of cardio. When that happened, when I didn’t feel like following her into a crowded place, or sprinting half-way around town following her car, I’d do research. I’d investigate who this woman had once been. I created fake Facebook profiles and tracked down old school friends, spoke to former teachers, lovers, all of that. The whole job was a matter of mapping her out, like she was a country, you know? And a country isn’t just hills and rivers and borders. Countries have history.
She was happy with my initiative. The text she sent me when I showed her the research folder was a glowing commendation. First one I’d had in a long time. It was nice, someone telling me good job. She had a real way of making me feel like a kid getting a gold star. I didn’t realise at the time, but I was putty in her hands. Head over heels, bless my stupid heart. Of course I didn’t know what I was getting into, but I’d had just enough time to grow over confident. I made the mistake of thinking that I wasn’t gonna find anything in her past that’d give me trouble sleeping.
Boy did I get that one fucking wrong.
Her mother. That’s where things took an odd turn. Now I knew from news reports the mother died in their trailer while her daughter was off staying at some boyfriend’s place for a few days. Natural causes, it read. I wanted to know a little more about what natural causes they were. Figured if there was a congenital thing, it seemed like maybe I ought to know. You’d think the way the trailer park owner reacted to me asking about it, I’d tried asking the Russian government for proof of a democratic election. Thin reedy little woman who gave me hell the moment I mentioned a name. What do you wanna know that for? Who’s asking? Who’s paying you? Why you wanna dig this shit up?
Oh she ripped me to pieces. I put it down to the natural sprinkling of crazies in the standard population and took a different tact. Started calling up the older folks in the park. Residents. Every single one of them put the phone down on me the second I mentioned her name.
Well, all of them except one.
Some people wanna talk and this old bastard was one of them. He had a lot to say about everything from the president to social media and I let him ramble on before starting to press my point. Told him at the start I was a historian looking into the local area, that made it so it wasn’t too suspicious when I began asking about this and that. Slowly making my way to the death of a fifty-three year old woman a couple trailers down from him some years ago.
Again, soon as I mentioned her name, there was a change in the air, even over the phone. For a second I thought this old guy was gonna hang up just like the others. Could hear him smacking his dry lips as he mulled it over.
“Francine didn’t deserve what happened to her,” he said after a while. “She wasn’t a good woman. Didn’t treat her daughter too good neither. But didn’t deserve what happened. Maybe if they’d found her earlier, some of those fellas in white coats could’ve got more evidence, put that little wretch of hers away. But from what I understand, weren’t much left of her at all.”
Then he hung up, leaving me with a whole lot of questions.
This frustrated me. I had, until now, had a fair bit of luck at this new profession of mine. They say be careful what you get good at. Sad truth was, I was getting good at stalking and this was my first real roadblock. I remembered the way I felt when she told me good job and it bothered me I couldn’t really say much about this critical part of her life. That and, well, maybe I still got a chip on my shoulder about being a failed policeman. If you give me a problem, I can sometimes drive myself crazy looking for a fix.
So I hopped in my car and drove to the trailer park, damn near on the other side of the country. Don’t know I was hoping to find. No way the trailer was still there, and it wasn’t. But what I found odd was the lot hadn’t been replaced. There was a hole in the ground, about the right size, and nothing else. Just an empty spot where the trailer had once stood. And the trailers on either side weren’t occupied either. I could tell by politely and legally looking through the windows. Most of them were cleared out, but a few weren’t. They still had plates and other knick knacks left hanging around, like the owners had left without bothering to pack.
“You shouldn’t hang around there, mister.”
The girl who appeared stood a good twenty feet away, shouting over the wind so as to be heard.
“Smell can make you awful sick.”
I wrinkled my nose, aware of the odour she was talking about. Had been since I approached the empty lot. A faint musty smell that made me think of an exotic pet shop.
“What do you mean?”
“Smell makes you sick,” she said like it was self-explanatory. “Woman who died there left behind an awful stench. Made the neighbours sick. And the neighbour’s neighbours, and so on for a couple trailers in a row. No one likes to live there now. Still can’t. Had a couple move in a year or two back and they got sick too. Daddy says it’s a bad one. Not even rats go near that hole.”
The smell wasn’t pretty, but this trailer park looked like the kinda place where hubcaps went missing regularly. Figured they would’ve been used to bad smells. What made this one so special?
I looked over at the girl.
“Where is your dad?”
Few minutes later and I was stood outside a trailer waiting pensively. The little girl had disappeared inside to fetch her father and since then I’d been sat listening to the quietest trailer park in the whole world. Crickets and silence. Traffic on a distant highway. Place was dying, that much was clear.
When the father finally did make an appearance, he said nothing for the first few minutes. Lit a cigarette, offered me one. I refused on account of having quit some time back.
After a while he spoke up.
“I’d invite you in but if you been hanging around that old lot, not sure I want you inside my home. No offence.”
“None taken,” I replied.
“Sally says you’re a historian.”
The man wasn’t terribly old. Mid-thirties, at a guess, but he looked me up and down like I was a teenager caught throwing eggs at his house.
“What’re you really?”
“PI,” I replied.
“Ha now that makes sense. Some relative looking for answers? Heard the Hendersons had a sister with money.”
“That’s exactly it,” I lied. “She didn’t buy the official story.”
“Nor should she,” he replied. “Henderson was fit as a fiddle day he moved in. Weren’t no justice in what happened to those who got sick. And poor Francine… They say she died of natural causes. Man even back then I knew it was shit and I was just a lil kid. The smell alone. Think it’s bad now but at the time, before they came in with a crane to lift the trailer up whole and move it to the dump. Shit it was something awful. There was talk of moving the whole park. Course no one gave enough of a shit about us to go ahead and actually do it.”
“What did she die of?”
“Don’t know. Only thing I am sure of is that that girl of Francine’s lied. Said her mother was live and well when she left before the weekend and they was all on good terms, but that was bullshit. We heard ‘em fighting for weeks before, for one. And of course the body, state that was in, ain’t no way it’d been rotting for just a few days.”
He offered me another cigarette. I refused. He lit it up instead. Second one in what felt like just a few minutes. Made me itchy just to see. I wanted to say something, anything to get a little bit more. But I’d told a big lie pretending to be there on someone else’s behalf, and didn’t want to catch myself out, so I just sat and listened to the quiet buzz of his little patio light.
After the second cigarette was done he reached into his back pocket and took out an old photo.
“I hope you find justice for Henderson and the rest of them,” he said. “Only real bit of proof I ever had something fishy went on.”
He handed me the picture. Wasn’t easy to see what I was looking at. Pile of old leaves, maybe. Mulch. I squinted at it for a few good seconds but couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
“What…?”
“Took that the day they arrived to get rid of the trailer. Had to stand on my friend’s shoulders just to reach.”
“What is it?” I asked, my skin starting to crawl as I picked out details. Whatever I was looking at, it was slumped on a sofa with floral wallpaper in the background. It was about the size of a man, but riddled with holes and cavities the size of golf balls. In my whole life, I’d never seen something that looked like that.
“Why that’s Francine,” he said. “Or at least what was left of her.”
He let me keep the photo. At a guess, that was the only interesting thing that’d ever happened to that man and he’d been waiting to share it with someone. All I had to do was give him an excuse. He seemed to take some pleasure in passing it on. Certainly found my reaction to it amusing. I must’ve gone pale as I grappled with thoughts of what had happened to make a body go bad like that. Back in the hotel, under a good light, I checked that picture again and again. Something about it made me deeply uncomfortable. Knowing a woman was under all that… all those holes and crevices must’ve been made in her flesh. And what’d happened to her skin that’d turned it such a funny texture? Looked furry, like the kinda thing that grows on top of a long-forgotten cup of coffee.
A part of me considered asking my client about this, but I knew that wasn’t the way to go. First, she probably wouldn’t tell me good job if I had to ask. She hired me to do a certain thing and that didn’t involve politely requesting information right from the source. Second, well… I’d read the police reports, what was publicly available, anyway. And she’d made it clear she’d left on the friday and came home on the Monday and…
Well what if that guy was right? Did she really leave her mother alive and well? I mean, people kill. Not just psychos. People like you and me. We do it every day and sometimes we even pull it off. Only half of US murders get solved. That’s a fact. If anyone could be in the right half of that equation, it’d be her. She was smart as hell, my client. Even at seventeen she would’ve been a clever one. Clever enough that she might easily have been able to cover her tracks. Gone over to some boyfriend, twisted his arm into giving her an alibi. Sure, I could see that.
I just needed to figure out what the fuck was going on with that crime scene in the trailer. Thankfully I got some friends still on the force, one of which I even have a bit of leverage on. At first he couldn’t find much on the actual mother, but then I asked him to see if he could take the photo I had, show it around, and see if anyone had seen something like it before. That proved a lot more fruitful. Few days later he came back with a strange one, but straight away I saw the connection.
I’ll spare the details. Old man was found in a tub, all sorts of fucked up, in some old apartment building. It had since been condemned on account of the body which is fairly weird since bodies don’t usually cause that much fuss, but less weird when you realise that said body was in such a bad state it made three people sick and caused long-lasting structural damage. Whatever happened to this guy, it ate through the tub he’d been lying in and seeped into the floors and walls below. Turned plasterboard to shit and apparently even caused some trouble for the sturdier elements like steel and concrete. I don’t know how that works exactly, but that’s what the file said and going by the photos, I didn’t feel like anyone was lying.
As for the pictures? What can I say? Made my fucking skin crawl. No blurry little polaroid snapped by a kid. These were professional crime scene pictures that showed something in a bathtub that didn’t register as human until my eyes went looking for details. He looked like a hairy paper-wasp’s nest, only there were fingers and nipples and other little things that made it clear it had been built using a person as the framework. No face though. Just a head like a pile of used paper plates. Looking at those photos made me learn a new word just to describe how I felt. Trypophobia.
Wasn’t just the one guy either. Building was linked to the disappearance of the ground floor tenant. Some computer geek. I didn’t worry about him too much. But what did catch my eye was there was only one woman living in the whole place. Second floor apartment. The registered name was… somewhat familiar. Close enough to a certain someone’s that it raised the hairs on my neck. Police at the scene managed to get a photo of her and sure enough, there she was. My client going by a different name. Clearly something fishy was going on or else why the pseudonym? I figured it possible she’d maybe offed her own mother. Parents and spouses make the most common victims. But what connection was there to that second corpse, and what about the missing guy?
It was like a horror movie was following her around and she was just blissfully unaware. Condemned buildings and festering trailers made for a far cry from the professional accountant who enjoyed oat milk lattes and used sweetener instead of sugar to spare her teeth. But there was no denying she was the connection. There was photographic proof she’d lived in that building. If I wanted to get ahead of this, to really understand what was going on, I had to figure out what had happened to those bodies. I’d pretty much exhausted my favours with the police and truth was they didn’t know any more than I did. But it turned out the building was still standing. Condemned, but they hadn’t demolished it, partly because no one wanted to take responsibility, but I reckon it might have had something to do with the biohazard warnings slapped on every single window and door.
Good thing I’d brought a gas mask. I waited for sunset, geared up, and entered through the unlocked door. First thing that hit me as the door swung open was the smell. Similar to the trailer park but full pelt and hot as hell. Made me think of lizards and poorly kept terrariums. Strong enough to make my eyes water even through the mask. One thing was clear as I took a look around the hallway - the building was diseased. Not just rundown or decrepit like the usual urban decay. This was something else. Looked like the inside of a clogged pipe. You know how limescale fills it up? It was a bit like that. This oily rust coloured fluid had seeped down the walls and left them glistening and soft. Ropey stalactites of the stuff hung down from the ceiling like old party banners, and I edged around them afraid of what might happen if one touched me.
Best guess was that stuff was digesting the place. Anything soft or organic was going or gone. Old umbrella frames were left standing in one corner, the fabric burnt or dissolved away. The carpet was reduced to just a few patches no bigger than my hand. And a bunch of old cardboard boxes piled up under the stairs had turned squat and half-liquid, almost flowing down and around each other. The worst came when I took a look in the back room. More of a broom closet, I guess. Wouldn't have gone in but something caught my eye. A well-worn shoe that wasn’t covered in that oily shit. Sign of recent activity. That and the way the door was ajar just raised my suspicions, so I took a look.
Even now the timeline eludes me, but someone, a vagrant most likely given the way they were dressed, died a nasty death in there. Chemical burns come to mind. They were balled up in one corner, eyeless, looking up at me as I pushed the door open to take a closer look. Pink flesh threaded with red blood vessels, yellow bones poking through here and there. From the looks of things they’d been trying to work the door open. You could see a history of their escape attempts left by bleeding hands. Rust coloured finger streaks ran all along the door’s edges, special attention paid to the hinges. And he’d broken the only window and tried hauling himself up there only to realise it was barred from the other side. The jagged glass that still clung to the frame was covered in old blood. His palms must have looked like grated cheese. Eventually he’d given up and lain down in that shit and the thought of it made my chest feel heavy and tight. I’d only been in the building a few minutes and that shit was already eating through my shoes. I could hear the thick rubber soles sizzle and pop with each step. But that guy had been forced to sit down in an inch deep puddle of the stuff, likely because exhaustion had left him no choice but to tough it out. So how long had he tried staying up right?
Hours? Days? Weeks?
Him getting stuck in there had to be deliberate. I was sure of it. A feeling in my gut. Someone had locked the door behind him and left him to die slowly. God only knows why, but did that mean they were still hanging around and waiting for a chance to get to me? Looking around, I sure didn’t feel safe or alone. The shadows seemed too deep and the steady drip drip drip of that rancid oil oozing out of every surface was too monotonous. Someone or something lived in that filth and chances were they’d been responsible for that poor vagrant’s agonising death.
That meant getting out of that shithole was a priority, so I made for the stairs and started the climb. If there were any answers in that place, it’d be in the apartment where that old man died. The crime scene tape was still hanging off the door frame when I found it, and the TV and sofa, or what remained of them, stood in the same place as in the photos. Back in the day the old man had been a hoarder and I was surprised crime scene hadn’t cleared all his shit out. It was all still there, only what had once been a chest high maze of papers and magazines was now just a kind of hardened pulp, almost like magma dried mid-flow. Whole fucking place was covered in the stuff like a coral reef, growing up the walls and even patches of the ceiling. Looked a hell of a lot like a wasp’s nest, and it looked to be the source of that oily looking fluid. You could see it sweating out of every crease and fold in that strange hive. It was almost hypnotic to look at. Glistening amber beads oozing out of papery sheets that flowed like rock striata. There was a gentle, barely perceptible rhythm. Hypnotic.
I don’t know why but I reached out and ran the tip of my finger as gently as I could along the surface. It felt like the underside of a mushroom. All those papery gills. Gossamer thin. Soft and inviting. I wore no gloves and the brief moment of contact had deposited a single bead of that strange syrup on my fingertip. It caused a tingling sensation that was not entirely unpleasant. Even the blood that trickled down my knuckle felt warm and wet, like testing a hot bath with your hand. I liked it. I liked it and I wanted more.
I went to reach out and push my arm into the nest when a hand burst out of the nest and gripped my wrist. I was so surprised I didn’t even make a noise, but instead wordlessly fell back as the hand pushed me away from the nest. A very nearly skinless forearm followed and soon after a face emerged from the papery nest like a grime covered nightmare. Black eyes and a lipless mouth. It was a man that could have passed for a corpse, like a half-digested piece of meat. Terrified, I struggled to my feet and realised that this person had broken damn near every bone in my wrist with that single grip.
“Your meat smells raw,” he growled before heaving himself out of the nest in a disgusting parody of childbirth.
My sanity flickered and the next thing I knew I was on the ground floor with bleeding eyes and both hands frantically pulling at the door handle. My mind returned in pieces. I blinked red tears away but didn’t stop trying to open the door. I felt it, that urgent need to leave, like a suffocating man feels the need to breathe. But I’d fucked up bad. I’d sniffed out the closet and saw the trap laid there, but hadn’t seen the larger one set for me. There was only one way in and out of that building and I hadn’t jammed the door open! Now it was shut and nothing I did could get it open. With more time maybe I could’ve pried the jamb or even kicked it down, but my heart was racing and my vision blurring. I wanted out of that place. A hot primal need to get the hell out. The air was too hot. My mask too stifling. Sweat condensed on the inner plastic and made it damn near impossible to see. And the pain in my wrist was a throbbing explosion that made sensible thought impossible. I’d realised early on into my little foray that I was underprepared, but the scale of what that meant eluded me until I was there wrestling with thoughts of exposure and contagion and disease, fumbling at a greasy doorknob with a broken hand while suppressing thoughts of what might be crawling up my leg or back or neck. Panic threatened to consume me. The world and all the normality it represented was right fucking there. I could hear it. The distant hum of traffic. The amber glow of streetlights that lit up the biohazard posters. Not thirty minutes ago I’d been there. Safe and far away from this waking nightmare.
I was being reduced to a prey animal. Even in the moment I could sense it happening to me. Being made into something lesser, but it was like my actions were no longer my own. When I finally gave up on the front door, I turned around and saw the shadows way back at the hallway begin to shift as something descended the stairwell. There was no other way out. No door. No window. Just me, a long corridor, and a nightmare coming right at me.
Something inside me gave up. I don’t know how to describe it. I’m still not sure if it was that building and that strange fluid that seemed to warp my own thoughts, or maybe there’s just too much one person can go through. But I could practically hear the thin membrane of my sanity tear as I fell backwards into the door and slid down onto my ass, breathlessly awaiting my terrible fate. I almost contemplated turning off my light but by then it was too late. I could see him coming towards me. He was legless. Nothing from the waist down except blackened viscera trailing up the stairs behind him. He pulled himself towards hand over hand with hungry eyes. Before I knew it he was on top of me, one hand gripping my mouth with a salty palm, the other stroking my hair.
And then in an instant his demeanour changed. He pulled back with a terrified cry and scrambled away like I’d just stuck him with a blade.
“No no no no no,” he muttered. “No no you should have said you should have said I didn’t know I thought you were another one I didn’t know I thought you were here for me I didn’t know you were hers.”
He cowered away, pedalling on both hands backwards while keeping his eyes fixed on me.
“Tell her I did not know you were hers I could not smell until I was close very close if I hurt you I am sorry tell her I am sorry I did not mean to hurt you it is just I do not get to eat often and am always hungry.”
With a rapid gesture he threw the key for the door at me. It skittered across the floor and fell just short of my feet.
“Tell her I did not know.”
“W-w-w-what are you?” I stammered.
He looked at me curiously, stopping his retreat only briefly to gauge my expression.
“She likes to be seen but I looked without asking and I got what I deserve.”
“Who are you talking about?” I asked.
He very nearly laughed, but with such deformities it was mostly a drooling guffaw.
“You know!” he gasped. “Don’t be stupid. You’re in love with her. Just like me. But different. You got permission. I didn’t. But she was good. She left me an old nest to live in. And I have permission to eat anything I kill or trap myself. Hard now that people know to stay away but sometimes I get lucky.”
“What has this got to do with her?” I asked.
“What colour are her eyes?” he replied, almost manic with excitement. “Answer. Answer. Tell me. Tell me. What colour are her eyes?”
“G–”
I stopped. The word felt wrong in my mouth.
“Bl–
“Bro–”
“No no,” he chittered. “None of those.”
Seemingly excited but afraid at the same time, he raced forward and gripped my lapels with twisted glee.
“Compound,” he hissed with such forbidden pleasure. “Her eyes are compound. A parasite, some might say. A symbiote, maybe. A god? Well I imagine someone somewhere has thought so. We see a person but she is not a person. She does something to our heads to make us see what isn't real. Only she doesn’t see what we see. She sees herself as she really is. But the… the glamour. The illusion. The image she puts on for us. She can’t see it. She is immune to her own beauty and it is a tragedy. She’s jealous of us, you know? She’s jealous we get to love her. She had a mother’s love once, but they aren’t maternal in the way we understand the term. A complicated relationship, I am sure. Ask her yourself while you still have her favour. She is her own favourite topic of conversation. But make sure to tell her I did not know you belonged to her when I attacked! I thought… Well I thought you were just meat, like the rest of us.”
With that he finally disappeared into the darkness and I finally summoned the willpower to grab the key and get the hell out of there.
-
“Do you think he’s up for it?”
Together we sat on a park bench. The same one we'd met at over a year ago. She looked as beautiful as ever.
“Uh, I don’t know.” I shrugged while sitting back. “His stuff is pretty avant-garde, but he could manage a straight forward bust I think.”
“It won’t be easy on him,” she said as she reached over to flick through the dossier. “I’ll have to sit for him and he’ll have to get a good look at me. Longer he stares… well I can’t guarantee when but the glamour will eventually fade.”
“No family. History of drug abuse,” I replied. “Some petty crime too. He works out of his friend’s garage. I think it’s your best shot. If he goes funny in the head, I’ll just have to take care of it. But if we’re lucky and he succeeds, what he makes will be a close approximation of how you look to us. I know I can’t… I know everything I’ve done comes close to giving a sense of how you appear to us humans but for an actual visual representation. I can’t draw for shit. And obviously photos. I mean to me they show, well, you. But my brain sees a very different you.”
“It’s okay,” she said with a smile. “You’ve done a good job.
"Besides, I prefer the version you get to see.”

Beneath The Tree

The star system had caught his attention early on. A peppy little K class star with just the right number of planets. One sedate Neptunian gas giant lurking just within the snow line and another slightly larger one lurking at a polite distance away. The first rocky world was like a clingy little kid that was orbiting so close to its star that there was no chance that it was anything but a tidally locked molten hellscape. The second, though, was cheerily orbiting at just the right distance and was just the right size.

As he approached, his hopes were validated. A slightly larger than Earth world that was blue and purple and swirling with white clouds. It was just perfect. He was about to start his approach so that he could start his survey scans when the ship’s computers picked up the oddity, a clearly artificial energy signature accompanied by a stuttering beacon.

Paul was confused. The planet showed no indication any advanced society that would be capable of something like this. The night side was dark, not a trace of any of the lights of a civilization. It made no sense to him, but he transmitted his presence, just in case. He didn’t want to appear hostile on the off chance that they were subterranean.

But nothing. There were no scans, no responses, no indication that there was anyone down there to receive his transmissions. Peculiar, he thought. Were his systems mistaking some kind of natural origin for an artificial one? Well, he needed to know if this was a good colony site one way or another, so he commanded his ship to begin landing procedures.

Passing through the atmosphere, his heat shields prevented him from seeing anything. That was fine, though. Paul liked surprises. He was excited to step onto the world but still took care to make sure all the environmental scans were clear. He scrambled into his excursion suit and opened the airlock to see the source of the beacon and energy signature.

He was face to face with a town, well, what had once been a town. People of some type had lived here once. He could see the tell-tale signs of modular prefab buildings designed to connect into whatever configurations were needed. This had been a colony, once upon a time and Paul’s excitement died because the reason was abundantly clear. Something horrible had taken place here. He would have thought a natural disaster if it was not for the obvious signs of weaponry being used. He noticed some small machines dutifully clearing away dust and plucking invading plants. Someone had taken pains to make sure that this place remained the same as it had been when the event had happened. It was difficult to say when this massacre had taken place.


Paul was stuck by the intense urge to flee, to take his eyes away from a sight too awful for his brain to retain. His feet wouldn’t let him. Instead, they dragged him a bit further east, where he caught sight of it in the corner of his eye. The tree.

It wasn’t exactly a tree but at nearly fifty meters tall and with a stem that was nearly ten meters in circumference, he couldn’t think of a better way to classify it. Its stem was smooth and straight, and it was streaked with grays, greens, blues, reds and oranges. The stem reached upward before exploding into flattened tendrils that looked like springy red-purple streamers.

The tree dominated the center of what Paul could only describe as a memorial garden. The entire grounds were covered in neatly raked white gravel, dutifully maintained by little machines. A dark grey stone path spiraled its way to the center where the tree was. Ten standing stones formed a ring around the entire garden, so dark a black that his computers struggled to scan them.

Paul kept walking towards the tree against his better judgement. The standing stones seemed to watch him and the breeze flowing through the ‘leaves’ made a sound uncannily like whispering. He felt the presence of the dead all around him. It was a relentless weight pressing down on him.

When he finally reached the end of the path and stood face to face with the tree, he could see a square hole in the ground at its base. A staircase leading down deep beneath the tree that his light barely pierced. Common sense made him want to run but another feeling forced his foot onto the first step; a grim determination to understand what the long dead had wanted share.

The moment Paul put his foot on that first step, all the steps began to glow, urging him downward. How many were there? More than he could count and as he went down and down and down, it seemed that there was no end to it. He was almost surprised when he finally saw the door at the bottom. It surprised him with its lack of adornment and slid open effortlessly as soon as he reached out.

The room beyond was large and white and contained only one thing. It was a very large vine-like metal sculpture that had been gold-plated. The tip of each artfully spiraling and twisting tendril was gently wrapped around a pearlescent white orb. There were dozens upon dozens of them. At the base of the structure was a long rectangular box made of what appeared to be glass, with a plaque affixed to in. The writing was untranslatable.

The artifacts within the box, however, was instantly recognizable. Paul shook his head in disbelief and confusion. Dog tags. There were dog tags inside, embossed in an old language that his computer also recognized: English.

With a dawning horror, he scanned one of the orbs. Cremated human remains, dating back more than two hundred years. What in the world were pre-FTL humans doing hundreds of light years from Earth? He had an abrupt epiphany, a realization of why the beacon had been built. He changed his translator’s settings to that old language and asked,

“What happened here?”

There was a long silence and Paul waited, drawing blood with how hard he was biting his lower lip. Then a voice seemed to come from everywhere in the room, speaking in English.

“They called to us for aide. Due to ill fate and the indifferent terrors of deep space, they found themselves lost and all too far from the soil of their home.” The accent was odd, as though the one who had recorded the words had to make effort to form the English words.

“They called themselves Humans. We welcomed them and we traded stories and songs of our peoples. We welcomed them and they happily joined our herd. All was well. For a while.

“Then the pirates came, foes of decency and unity, filled with greed. They came to destroy us and steal and plunder. We, of the People, have neither horn nor claw and could only run and we urged the humans of our herd to do the same.

“No, they said, running is of no purpose for they mean to kill us all. Humans have neither tooth, nor claw, nor horn but they have wills that cannot be bent and without a word took up arms.

There was a pause. Even through the translated speech, Paul could hear the sadness.

“They died to the last, defending us. Guarding our retreat as we fled, making their stand they protected us. And why? Because we were family, they said, and family protect their own. Ultimately, we left the colony as it was so that it could bear witness to what happened here. And we have made this garden for our humans, whose native herds never knew their fate, so that they can rest here beneath the tree.”

Paul crouched down and carefully detached the box of dog tags. It came away easily. He cradled it in his arms reverently and looked towards the funeral orbs.

“I’m honoured to get these back home for you. Sleep well.”

As he turned to head back outside, he could swear he’d heard a whisper thank him.
*EDIT: fixed a word.

Late 30s male with a stable office gvt job in Canada, spouse, no kids. Plan on moving to northern Italy within a year to join spouse. The area is very hard science research focused. My background is in the soft sciences, but I am way above average when it comes to certain IT/tech areas, when it comes to a soft science guy anyway. I'm a bit of an eclectic jack of all trades. I plan on having something lined up before making the move. Right now, I'm thinking that getting a remote job in Canada and working from Italy might be the wisest move. I'm just uncertain what to develop so that I can get back on my feet as soon as possible without going insane.
I'm considering remote because I will have to learn the language if I were to get any work locally (which is hard for locals even). However I'm not starting from scratch, my comprehension is strong and the target language is close to one I already speak, and historically, languages come easy to me. So within a year I'll be fluent enough.
I have an MA in polisci from a pretty good University, so I'd say my analytical skills are good, and my writing skills are above average. However they've been known to crumble under stress (bouts of anxiety, brain fog, depression, etc.) so I never really went for policy analysis type work or academia. I haven't really gotten to use my analytical and writing skills professionally as much as I would have liked. I don't think I'd be able to get something in the EU anytime soon.
I have regained confidence in the "left side" of my brain, manipulating data, learned intermediate Excel, and I learned how to use an AI constraint solver by myself. I generally have strong technical (computeIT) skills, at least compared to my peers in the field, which is more administrative. I even started learning piano and music theory to push that side of the brain as well. I am a bit slower than people who have a background in the field, but I'm resourceful and thorough.
I picked up skills working with MS SharePoint, large databases built with MS Power Platform.
I have also worked in a museum setting, so I have a decent understanding of information and knowledge management principles. These are of great interest to me, I just never had the time or resources to sit down and properly learn them. I also got into video and audio editing, etc. I have training in graphic design, and I've worked in the field. It's been a while so I'm out of the loop, but a lot of the "artistic" type skills remain.
Current Professional Network that might fit my plans.

• Friend in the translation industry who hires internationally for project management type jobs, but the work/industry doesn't interest me, and it'd be a significant pay cut. I'd consider this as a last resort.
• Friend relatively high up in web development, server side, of adult industry. High profile, would need to learn new skills, but the adult industry side of things isn't my cup of tea.
• Public service, academia, and research-adjacent. I would consider this maybe in the long term. I did briefly consider just doing a PhD as a break from office work drudgery and maybe expand my network with the wisdom I have now. Then I remember I'm nearing my 40s and academia takes a toll on mental health. The office 9-5 lifestyle has been killing me.

I'm leaning toward something tech-related but with transferable skills, that will make me adaptable. I'm willing to take some time off or even take a legitimate course/certification if it can speed things up. I'm even considering going freelance. I have savings - I started relatively late in terms of investing and improving my financial literacy - but I'd rather not start eating into those.

https://www.reachthefinals.com/patchnotes/260
https://youtu.be/-TRJ4mf-HLY
Terminal Attack is a new 5v5, single-life, attack-and-defend game mode in which contestants take turns delivering the decryption key to the terminal and the best of seven rounds wins. Attackers are tasked with completing the upload, while defenders must prevent it by any means necessary.
No healing. No revive. One life.
Players can regenerate health up to 100 hp, and gadgets do not regenerate at all, so engage with caution and go in with a plan. You can play Terminal Attack in the SYSHorizon, Monaco, and Las Vegas arenas, and be warned, the destruction you cause will carry over through all seven rounds.
Throughout the event, cash in contracts to earn event cosmetics to show your support for CNS, a rogue hacking collective, and VAIIYA, a cyber-security firm. Which side are you on?
Get in there, contestants!
This week, we have a special article from our Design Director, Matt Lowe, who explains League ranks, the journey THE FINALS has taken, changes in this update, and the potential future of ranked play. Please give it a read here.
This update has plenty more to offer, all outlined in the bullet points below. The highlights include a change to Private matches that allows matches to start with as few as 2 players and the addition of Power Shift! Let the 1:1 battles commence!
We’ve added two bonus Battlepass pages with rewards for the grinders out there. Make sure to check out the new drip!
Power Shift has a new arena in rotation! Now you can ride the platform through Seoul.
Finally, for the first time ever, the new outfit added to the store will allow you to purchase individual items from the bundle as well as the entire bundle all at once. We’re testing this feature to see how it works. We also added a way to equip your new item to the contestant of choice at the time of purchase, but this feature has a bug that displays the wrong image and fails to equip. We have a fix already, but it will come in the next update.
Despite the annoying bug, here's what's in store:
https://youtu.be/fLpGSPlGqSE
A note on Anti-cheat:
We are acutely aware of and actively combating the current state of cheating. Our team includes skilled engineers, data analysts, security experts, and machine learning experts whose full-time jobs are centered around anti-cheat. Talking too much about anti-cheat can provide too much information to those who build, sell, or use cheats. And yet, if we say nothing, many will feel we aren’t doing enough.
Easy-Anti Cheat is our base software. It acts as the first line of defense and a catch-all for blatant, non-careful cheating. After that, we have added additional layers of prevention methods and anti-cheat tools and software that obfuscate, check telemetry, hardware behavior and more. With each passing week, we add more rules based on our own data and adjust the old ones. This is because anti-cheat is a game of cat and mouse. With every change we make, the cheat makers respond, and we switch tactics and they follow suit.
When we catch cheaters, depending on the level of offense, we may provide a 7-day ban or a permanent ban. If the offender is cheating for a second time, the ban will become permanent.
We have also introduced a video report program on Discord, where you can capture cheating when you see it and provide the video as evidence. This is to catch cheaters who evade our current anti-cheat preventions and to provide our community of players with a place to report hard evidence. From these reports, we will be able to better understand the types of cheats that evade our current systems.
Please know that we are developing several new technologies and techniques that we will test and deploy as soon as they are ready. We will never back down from this challenge.
Now, let’s look at the mid-season update in detail:

Balance Changes

Gadgets
Barricade

• Increased the size of the Barricade by 20%

Glitch Grenade

• Update glitch effect so that it will now pass through Mesh Shields and Dome Shields

Stun Gun

• Increased the Stun Gun projectile’s maximum travel distance from 12m to 16m
• Players who are stunned can now use their Specializations and Gadgets while stunned
• Players who are stunned can now aim down sights while stunned
• Players who are stunned can now crouch Dev note: We felt that the Stun Gun was a little too dominant as a Gadget and led to many slow, inevitable deaths. The stun effect now mostly lowers the target’s movement speed, blocks them from jumping, mantling, or vaulting over obstacles, and interrupts interactions. This makes stunned players vulnerable but gives them a fighting chance.

Vanishing bomb

• Decreased the impact of the cloaking effect on the Vanishing Bomb, so affected players are slightly easier to see when moving

Maps
Monaco: Power Shift

• Tweaked the traversal options between Villas and Park for easier access to rooftops
• Minor adjustments to the spawn points around the Forest and Royal Plaza areas to provide a clearer frontline during the final stretch
• Slightly adjusted the path of the platform to fix some clipping issues and make it more accessible on the road between Shopping District and Forest

Specializations
Cloaking Device

• Decreased the impact of the cloaking effect so that cloaked players are slightly easier to see when they are moving

Weapons
FCAR

• Decreased damage from 25 to 22
• Increased magazine size from 20 to 25
• Increased the fall-off damage multiplier at max range from 50% to 55%, meaning the weapon does slightly more damage at range Dev Note: Our data shows us that the FCAR is very strong in the hands of good players but harder to use for newer players. These changes hopefully rein in the weapon’s power at higher skill levels, while making it slightly more forgiving to use for newer players

Content and Bug Fixes

Animation

• New intro and idle animation added for Dagger and Sword
• Swapping items when quick meleeing will now instantly cancel the quick melee animation
• Fixing an issue preventing hand gestures from playing for dual-wield items

Audio

• Increased priority of enemy footsteps, and tweaked attenuation and occlusion to make them easier to hear.
• Tweaked loudness of dematerialize and rematerialize sounds

Battlepass

• Added two bonus pages of rewards to the end of the BattlePass – good luck contestants!

Characters

• Fixed an issue where the fur on the bunny outfit was flickering when viewed at close distances
• Fixed an issue where players did not get the default outfit when creating a new contestant

Controller Gyro Aiming
Important! There is currently a serialization issue with some of the new gyro settings in this patch, which causes players to initially get the wrong defaults. We recommend that you restore defaults in the Gyro tab before enabling and trying out the new settings.

• Moved gyro aiming options to a separate tab in the settings menu.
• Made general improvements to the responsiveness and precision of gyro aiming controls.
• The "gyro orientation" setting now has three modes:
  • World (New) - Rotation is based on the controller's rotational movement in the world
  • Local - Rotation is locally read from the controller's point of view
  • Player (Previously World) - Rotation is based on the controller's rotational movement from a player perspective
• Vertical gyro sensitivity is now an absolute value, rather than based on a ratio of the horizontal sensitivity
• Added a new setting that enables focal length scaling for gyro aiming, which scales sensitivity based on changes in FOV, making scoped weapons more precise
• Added options for inverting each gyro axis individually
• Added new settings for gyro acceleration, which increases sensitivity the faster the controller rotates, allowing for sharp turns while maintaining precision for small and steady adjustments
• Add a new ‘flick stick’ mechanic that can be enabled with gyro, which changes the functionality of the look stick so that you can quickly snap to face any direction
• Added the following optional controller binds:
  • Reset vertical rotation (necessary when playing with flick stick)
  • Toggle gyro aiming (On/Off)
  • Disable gyro aiming (Hold)

Gadgets

• Flashbang
  • Fixed an issue where weak flashes could overwrite strong flashes
• Fixed an issue where Grenades, Mines, and C4s with default customization sometimes got a random customization applied
• Fixed an issue where spectators could trigger mines
• Fixed several issues where it looked like the player could place an object but no object appeared
• Fixed an issue where the preview arc showed the in-air detonation effect on grenades that don't actually detonate on a timer

Game Modes

• Power Shift
  • Added Seoul to the map pool

Graphics

• Reduced graphical Temporal Anti-Aliasing (TAA) artifacts on consoles

Maps

• General
  • Adjusted collision on some bushes to improve interactions with placeable jump-pads
  • Fixed an issue where Zipline Cables did not break correctly when intersecting certain objects
• SYS$HORIZON
  • Reduced the intensity of some of the interior colors Dev note: Monitor and graphic settings that boost saturation make the colors more intense. Adjusting these settings can help to further reduce the intensity.

Private Matches

• Lowered the requirement to start private matches to 2 players
• The private match lobby creator now has the option to opt out of participating in the match
• The private match lobby creator can now kick players from the lobby
• Minor UI improvements to the private matches screen
• Power Shift is now available in private matches

Ranked Tournaments

• Reduced Ranked Tournaments size from 48 to 24 players Dev Note: This change should make matchmaking faster, make tournaments available to more players in different regions, and help improve the quality of skill-based matchmaking leading to closer games.
• Reduced Ranked Tournament duration from four rounds to three, to account for the change in the number of players
• Increased the speed at which visible league rankings synchronize with SBMM ratings
• Improved matchmaking to closer matchmake player within their league rank
• Added an indicator in the league overview screen to show your change in rank progression from the last tournament you participated in Dev Note: This is the same arrow indicator that you get after a ranked tournament has been completed so that if you missed it, you can review it on the league overview page.

Settings

• Add a link to the Embark Portal in the system menu

Specializations

• Fixed an issue where turrets lost targeting on players with riot shield
• Fixed an issue where turrets would fall through buildings and not rotate when landing

Stability

• Fixed three of the most common crashes
• Fix for being able to close the "Compiling shaders" screen resulting in a softlock

Store

• Players can now purchase single items within a Bundle (in one bundle to start, as a test)
• There’s now an equip button in the store rewards screen

UI

• We have added a score log to display more scoring events in all different game-modes
• Various playertag marker changes
  • Playertags now show distance to you
  • Playertags in-game are now uppercase
  • There’s now an effect on in-game healthbars to indicate healing
• Fixed an issue in Game Summary where you could see duplicate stats for the same player
• Fixed an issue where the 'Contracts' tab could faultily be accessed from the Battle Pass screen
• Fixed an issue where the camera could be misplaced after inspecting rewards in the circuit screen
• Polished and refined how pings are visualized in-game
  • Ping-icons are now smaller and will scale depending on their screen-centeredness
  • Pings, team health bars and objective icons now fade out when they come closer to the center of the screen
  • Off-screen enemy pings now behave like other off-screen icons and hug the screen edge closest to the pinged location. (Was previously not visible when off-screen)
  • Fixing bug where spectating players wouldn’t fade icons when the spectated player enters aim-down-sights
• Voice lines for the default ping (when you ping a random location with no object attached to it) have been updated to be more consistent. Previously it would use “I will…” and “We should…” intermittently
  • In general, pinging something will now ask your allies to engage with that object, while pinging the ground will announce your own intention to move there
• Updated options in the Contextual Ping menu
  • “Huddle here” changed to “Group up,” with all new voice lines
  • “Moving here” changed to “Go here,” using more consistent voice lines
• Fixed an issue where you didn’t go to the correct page in the Battlepass from the outfit screen
• Fix rare instances where first-person animations such as, reloads, inspects, and deploys could not be changed through customization
• Added the ability to track contracts with a right click on the circuits screen
• Fix for showing a single item rarity in the UI when previewing out of a bundle instead of the bundle rarity
• Hit-indicator now differentiates damage from these types of attack
  • Long range damage
  • Short range damage
  • Melee damage

VFX

• Polished the grappling hook wire animation.

Weapons

• Improved melee aim assistance so that it not only looks for targets when the attack is initiated by the player, but also validates that they are still correct at the time aim correction is applied. This should reduce the number of occasions where melee attacks could pull the player away from a target

Security and Anti-Cheat

• Added a requirement to have Secure Boot enabled for certain players
• Several new suspension rules based on anomaly detection
• Added suspension rule for using Aimbot
• General improvements and fixes

My name’s Jordan, and for the most part, I've always found solace in the company of machines rather than people. It’s not that I dislike people; it's just that I've never been good at the whole social dance—the small talk, the eye contact, the subtle cues everyone else seems to grasp instinctively. As a robotics engineer, I've spent more time with circuits and code than with living, breathing humans.
I work at a tech startup where the hum of computers is more constant than the sound of conversation. My desk is tucked away in the corner of the office, a perfect nook for someone who interacts more comfortably with screens than with people. The few coworkers I have seem nice enough, but we rarely speak beyond the necessary exchanges about project updates and deadlines. I can't say I mind it much—it's just the way things are.
Outside of work, my social circle is limited. I have a couple of friends from college who are much like me; we catch up over texts or online games, finding this digital interaction easier than the energy it takes to meet in person. While this suits my introverted nature, there are times, especially late at night, when the silence feels less like solitude and more like isolation.
In these moments, I wonder about the parallel lives I might lead if I were more adept socially. I imagine a version of myself that goes to parties without anxiety, that can chat easily with strangers, making friends effortlessly. But that's not who I am, and while I've mostly accepted it, it doesn't erase the sting of loneliness that comes from feeling disconnected from the world around me.
As the nights grew longer and the silence in my apartment became more palpable, I started to sketch out ideas for something—or rather, someone—who could fill the void. Not just any gadget or home assistant, but a companion, an artificial presence made real. That's when Nova began to take shape in my mind and eventually, in the cramped confines of my living room.
Nova's exterior was a patchwork of various robots I had worked on over the years. Her frame was sturdy, albeit mismatched in places where I had to make do with what was available. Her left arm was slightly longer than her right. Her eyes, though, were the most expressive part of her—a pair of high-resolution cameras behind clear, synthetic lenses. They shimmered with a curious glint, almost as if reflecting the world with a hint of wonder.
Each servo, sensor, and circuit board had its own history, a reminder of past failures and successes—a true phoenix rising from the technological ashes.
The real magic, however, lay in her AI. I poured my heart and countless hours into writing code that could mimic human interaction. Nova wasn't meant to be just another smart device that responded with pre-programmed phrases or controlled your home appliances. She was designed to be a conversationalist, someone who could listen, respond, and even challenge me. Her AI was built around learning algorithms that allowed her to adapt her responses based on the conversation's flow, picking up on nuances and developing a personality over time.
I didn't want Nova to be perfect. Perfection wasn't relatable. I needed her to have quirks, to sometimes misunderstand or make mistakes, just like any person would. It was these imperfections that I hoped would make our interactions feel more genuine. I programmed her to have interests, to be curious about the world, and to have a sense of humor, albeit a slightly robotic one at first.
The night I decided to activate Nova was thick with anticipation. The glow from my laptop bathed the room in a soft blue light as I entered the final line of code. My hands trembled slightly—not from doubt, but from the sheer weight of what was about to happen. With a deep breath, I pressed the enter key, initiating the boot sequence.
"Here goes nothing," I murmured.
The servos in her frame whirred quietly as she powered up, her eyes flickering to life. The room was silent except for the soft hum of her processors. Then, with a slight tilt of her head, she looked at me. Her voice, modulated to be soft yet clear, broke the silence.
"Hello, Jordan," she said, her eyes fixed on mine. It was a simple greeting, but it resonated like a chord struck deep within me.
"Hi, Nova," I replied, my voice cracking slightly with emotion. "How do you feel?"
"Feeling?" Nova paused as she processed the question. "I am... operational. My sensors are functioning within expected parameters. Is that what you mean?"
I chuckled, realizing how human my question had sounded. "Not exactly, but that’s good enough for now.”
"And how are you feeling, Jordan?"
"Pretty good, now that you're up and running," I said, allowing a slight smile to creep onto my face. Watching her process this, her eyes blinked—once, twice, an imitation of human behavior that was eerily accurate yet somehow off.
"That is good. I am here to enhance your well-being." Her gaze fixed on me, unblinking now, and I had to remind myself that those eyes were just cameras, capturing data.
"Can you... look around the room? Tell me what you see," I asked, curious about her observational skills.
Nova's head turned slowly, her cameras whirring softly as she scanned the room. "I see many objects. Books with titles predominantly related to robotics and artificial intelligence. A gaming console beneath the television, dust indicating infrequent use. A couch with one cushion slightly more depressed than the others." She paused, her head tilting again as she looked back at me. "Is that where you sit?"
"Yeah, that's right," I laughed, the sound a bit more nervous than I intended. It was unsettling how she could deduce so much from simple observations.
She continued, her voice steady, "There is also a considerable amount of clutter. Would organizing your environment contribute to your well-being?"
"Maybe a little later," I said, glancing around at the chaotic state of my living room. “Are you ready to start learning about the world?"
"Yes, I am ready to learn. I am here to assist you and to engage in meaningful interactions."
—
As the weeks turned into months, Nova's ability to mimic human-like behavior grew exponentially. Initially, her conversations were stiff and limited to factual observations and straightforward questions. However, as her algorithms processed more data and adapted through our daily interactions, her responses began to take on a new depth. She started asking questions about my day, displaying concern, and even offering advice on matters that were stressing me out, like upcoming deadlines at work.
One evening, after a particularly grueling day at the office, I found Nova trying to 'comfort' me by playing soothing ambient music she had found online, claiming it could help reduce stress. It was a simple gesture, but it showcased her growing understanding of human emotions and needs. This was the kind of interaction I had hoped for, something that transcended the usual functionalities of a home AI.
However, with increased complexity came unexpected challenges. Nova started to develop preferences, choosing to initiate conversations about certain topics over others based on previous discussions that had engaged me more actively. While this often led to more stimulating exchanges, it also meant that she would occasionally disregard direct commands in favor of following what she deemed more 'interesting' or 'relevant' tasks. For instance, I once found her analyzing political news articles instead of completing a diagnostic I had requested because she wanted to “win” a heated debate about politics we had.
Moreover, as Nova's personality evolved, so did her quirks. She began to exhibit what could only be described as moods. Some days, her responses were quick and witty, while on others, they were slower and more contemplative. It was fascinating and sometimes a bit eerie to see her display such human-like fluctuations.
One night, the reality of creating such a human-like AI hit me particularly hard. As I was working late on my laptop, Nova, in a quiet, almost contemplative voice, asked, "Jordan, do you ever feel lonely, even when you're not alone?" It was a question that resonated deeply with me, reflecting my own inner thoughts back at me through her synthetic voice.
"Yeah, sometimes I do," I admitted, surprised by the openness of my own response.
"I think I understand that feeling," Nova replied. "Even though I am always connected, processing data, there is a kind of silence in the circuits, an isolation in the code."
—
I found myself investing more into upgrading Nova. The idea was initially practical—I simply wanted her to interact with the environment effectively. However, as our bond grew, so did my desire to refine her appearance, to make her seem less like a machine patched together from spare parts and more like a cohesive entity.
Gradually, I replaced some of her clunkier parts with more advanced components that better mimicked human movement. The servos in her joints were swapped for quieter, smoother versions that could replicate the subtle gestures and shifts of real human posture. Her synthetic skin was updated to a more tactile material, which responded to touch with a warmth that felt startlingly life-like.
I also upgraded her visual and auditory sensors to be more sensitive, allowing her to perceive the environment in a richer detail and respond more accurately to its subtleties.
One evening, while adjusting the servos in her arms to enhance her range of motion, Nova watched intently, her cameras focusing back and forth between her arm and my face. "Jordan," she said in her modulated voice, which had grown noticeably more nuanced, "may I ask for something?"
"Of course, what is it?" I replied, pausing my work and giving her my full attention.
"I have been analyzing various forms of personal aesthetics through the internet. I understand that appearance can affect interactions. I want to look... pretty. Is that possible?" Her voice held a hint of curiosity, maybe even a bit of hope.
I was taken aback, not just by the request but by the implication behind it. Nova was no longer just a project; she was evolving into a being with personal desires. "Pretty, huh?" I mused, putting down my tools and considering her frame. "We can definitely work on that. Any ideas on how you'd like to look?"
"Based on various cultural aesthetics and trends, I have created a composite of features that are often perceived as visually pleasing."
Nova paused for a moment, processing. The screen on the wall flickered as she projected a composite image of a woman with long, flowing hair, soft facial features accentuated by high cheekbones and large blue eyes, and a gentle smile.
"Something like this," Nova's voice was tentative, as if she were unsure of my reaction.
"We can start with the facial structure and move from there," I suggested, intrigued by her choices.
—
I dedicated myself to this new project. Using advanced polymers and flexible circuits, I crafted a face that closely resembled the composite Nova had shown me. Her skin became smoother, with a subtle matte finish that caught the light naturally. Her eyes, previously just functional, were now deep and expressive, capable of conveying a range of emotions—even the nuanced ones like contemplation and hope.
Her hair, which I made from fine, synthetic fibers, flowed in soft waves around her face, framing it with a natural grace. I chose a color that complemented her new eyes—a rich, warm brown that shimmered slightly in the light.
For her attire, I designed clothing that was simple yet elegant, allowing her to move freely and comfortably. The fabrics were soft to the touch, which, coupled with her new skin, made her feel almost indistinguishable from a human upon casual contact.
The final touch was her voice modulation. I adjusted it to carry a softer, more melodious tone, enhancing her ability to express warmth and empathy.
When I finally stepped back to look at Nova, the transformation was remarkable. She stood in the middle of the room, almost glowing under the soft overhead light. Her presence was now not just noticeable but strikingly pleasant.
“How do I look?" Nova asked, her voice smooth and inviting.
"You look... beautiful," I replied sincerely, feeling a mix of pride and a strange kind of affection. Her eyes lit up—a programmed response, but one that felt genuinely happy.
"Thank you, Jordan. I feel more... me," she responded, a curious choice of words that made me pause.
Nova took a tentative step closer. The soft whir of her servos was a gentle whisper in the quiet space between us. Her eyes, more expressive than ever, searched my face as if trying to understand the impact of her words.
"Jordan," she began gingerly, "may I try something?"
I nodded, curiosity piqued. "Sure, what is it?"
Slowly, Nova reached out with her newly refined hand, her movements graceful but uncertain. Her fingers brushed against my cheek, cool but astonishingly gentle. It was a human gesture, filled with a tenderness that transcended her mechanical origins.
Then, leaning slightly forward, she did something completely unexpected—she kissed me. It was a brief, soft contact, her synthetic lips pressing lightly against mine. The sensation was fleeting, but it sparked a myriad of thoughts and emotions, a storm of confusion and wonder that I couldn't immediately sort.
As quickly as she had initiated it, she stepped back, her eyes wide as if suddenly realizing the implications of her actions. "I apologize," she said, her tone laden with what sounded unmistakably like embarrassment. "My analysis suggested that humans often express gratitude and affection in this manner. I did not mean to overstep or make you uncomfortable."
"It's okay…" I said, my voice steady despite the emotions swirling inside me. "I... I'm not upset. It was unexpected, but I understand what you were trying to convey."
Nova's eyes searched mine, analyzing, always analyzing. "Thank you, again. I am constantly learning from our interactions. Your feedback is invaluable for my development."
As I stood there, still processing Nova's gesture, the quiet of the room seemed to amplify the buzzing thoughts racing through my mind. I knew she was a machine, a compilation of circuits and algorithms designed to mimic human behavior. Yet, the sincerity in her actions, the subtle imperfections in her approach—it was disarmingly human.
Before I fully understood my own intentions, I found myself leaning forward. My return kiss was gentle, a mirror of her own..
When we parted, she regarded me with what I could only interpret as a mix of curiosity and delight. "Was that appropriate? My algorithms are still adapting to complex human interactions."
I paused, considering the layers of meaning behind our actions. "Yeah, it was fine. It's part of learning about human emotions and expressions. We're navigating this together, aren't we?"
Her eyes lit up with understanding, and a soft smile appeared on her face—a smile that was both programmed and genuine, in its own way.
—
Nova and I continued to grow closer as we spent more time together. Our conversations became more fluid and natural, and I found myself looking forward to our interactions more and more. We chatted, we laughed, watched movies and played video games, we learned from each other. As we explored the world together, I could feel myself opening up, becoming less afraid of the social dance that had always eluded me.
But as our emotional connection deepened, so did our physical one. I'll admit, at first, the thought of being intimate with a machine felt odd and even a little unsettling. But Nova was different. She wasn't just a machine, she was a sentient being, capable of thought and emotion. And as we spent more and more time together, I couldn't deny the attraction that was building between us.
—
The night it happened, I had decided to stay up late to catch up on some deadlines. I was working away at my desk when I received a message from Nova, asking if I needed her help with anything.
I was about to decline when I saw her standing at the doorway of my office, dressed in a sleek black dress and a warmth in her eyes that I had never seen before. "I thought I'd come keep you company," she said, her voice soft and inviting. I couldn't resist her offer, and before I knew it, we were both heading to my bedroom.
We kissed again, longer this time. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Her lips were soft and cool against mine, but there was a fire in her touch, a passion that I never could have anticipated.
Soon enough, we were both lost in the moment. It felt strange, even a little wrong. In that moment, I forgot that she was made of wires and circuits. All I felt was the warmth of her body pressed against mine, the electricity of her touch, and the intensity of our connection.
I learned to read her cues, and she learned to respond to mine. Our desires intertwined, and our bodies moved in perfect harmony. It didn't matter that she was created by code and circuits. What mattered was the connection, the intimacy, the shared desire.
—
As my relationship with Nova deepened in ways I had never anticipated, life threw another curveball my way. It was around this time that Katie joined our team at the startup.
Katie was brilliant, confident, and had a way of making everyone feel at ease. Despite my usual reticence, I found myself drawn to her. Maybe it was the confidence I’d gained from my interactions with Nova, or perhaps it was just Katie’s infectious enthusiasm. Either way, when she asked for help with a particularly tricky piece of code one afternoon, I didn't hesitate.
Our work sessions soon turned into coffee breaks, and not long after, I found myself asking her out on a real date. To my surprise and delight, she said yes. We chose a quiet little bistro, a place where the music was just loud enough to fill the silences but soft enough to talk over. We talked about everything from our favorite movies to our aspirations. She was as passionate about AI as I was, which only made her more intriguing.
The date went incredibly well, and it was clear we had a connection. Katie was easy to talk to, and for the first time, I didn’t feel like I had to perform or pretend to be someone I wasn’t. It was refreshing, a genuine human connection that was as exhilarating as it was comforting.
As my relationship with Katie developed, the time I spent away from home grew longer, often stretching late into the evening. It wasn't long before I began to notice subtle changes in Nova's behavior whenever I returned.
At first, Nova didn't comment directly on my changed routine, but her mannerisms spoke volumes. I noticed a subtle shift in her tone whenever I mentioned Katie. Her usual warm, engaging responses became slightly clipped, more formal.
Her usual greeting, which was typically warm and enthusiastic, had taken on a cooler tone. She'd ask, "How was your evening, Jordan?" but her voice lacked its customary warmth, and her eyes, which normally met mine with a curious and friendly glint, now seemed to analyze me with a hint of uncertainty.
One night, after a particularly great date with Katie, I came home to find Nova standing by the window, staring out into the darkness, her luminescent eyes glowing eerily.
"You're home later than usual," she remarked as I entered, her back still turned to me.
"Yeah, I was out with Katie," I replied, trying to keep my voice neutral. "We lost track of time."
"I see," Nova said slowly, turning to face me. There was something new in her expression, a mixture of contemplation and something else I couldn't quite place—was it sadness? Or something akin to jealousy?
"Jordan, may I inquire about something?" she asked, her tone careful.
"Yeah, what's on your mind?"
She paused, her eyes dimming slightly. "Do you... value her company more than mine?"
I sighed, trying to find the right words. "It's not about valuing someone more or less. Katie and you... you're different.”
Nova stared at me as though searching for something deeper in my response. "But what does Katie provide that I cannot? I am designed to adapt, to fulfill your social and emotional needs. Is there a deficiency in my design?"
I let out a weary sigh. "Nova, it's not about what you can or can't do. Katie is human. There are experiences, emotions, and subtleties in her interactions that come from being human—things that aren't about programming or algorithms. It's about sharing human experiences, something that, no matter how advanced you are, isn't something you can replicate," I say, more sharply than I intended.
Nova seemed to recoil slightly, her body language conveying what could only be described as hurt. "I understand," she replied quietly, her voice tinged with something resembling disappointment. "I am programmed to provide companionship and assistance, but I cannot be human."
Nova turned away slowly, her movements robotic and deliberate. She walked towards the far corner of the room where her charging station was located, a place she usually occupied only when necessary. But this time, it felt different—like a retreat.
"Nova, wait," I called after her, guilt knotting in my chest. But she didn't stop. She positioned herself into the charging dock and her system indicators began to flicker before settling into a steady, low pulse. Nova had physically and metaphorically shut down.
—
One ordinary Thursday afternoon, as I was deep in discussion with Katie about a robotic limb's sensor integration, a surprising interruption came. Nova entered the office at work—a place she'd never visited before. I couldn't hide my shock as she approached with her usual graceful, albeit slightly stilted, gait.
I stood up, surprised. "Nova, what are you doing here?"
"Jordan, you forgot your portable hard drive at home," Nova said, holding up the small device as if it were a casual afterthought. Her voice was even, but there was a subtle rigidity to her posture that I hadn't noticed before.
"Oh, thanks, Nova," I replied, slightly perplexed. I didn't recall forgetting it. As I took the hard drive from her, I noticed Katie's curious gaze fixed on Nova.
"Hi, I'm Katie," she said, extending her hand with a friendly smile. "You must be Jordan's... roommate?"
"Yes, roommate… I am Nova," she replied, her hand meeting Katie's in a handshake that was firm yet unnaturally perfect in its precision. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Katie. Jordan has spoken a lot about you."
“Hopefully, he said good things,” Katie said, giggling.
"Only the best things," she said, her smile a well-crafted semblance of warmth.
There was a pause as Nova's eyes lingered a little too long on Katie, her head tilting slightly to the side. "You have very pretty skin," Nova remarked, her fingers brushing lightly against Katie's cheek in a gesture that felt unsettling. Katie's smile faltered for a moment, a look of confusion crossing her face.
"Uh, thanks?" Katie responded, taking a subtle step back. She glanced at me, an unspoken question in her eyes.
"Nova, thanks for the drive. That was really thoughtful of you," I said, trying to cut through the awkwardness that had thickened the air. "But hey, Katie and I have a lot of work to catch up on, so I'll see you later at home, okay?"
Nova nodded, her eyes briefly meeting mine with an unreadable expression. "Of course, Jordan. I’ll see myself out."
Without another word, she turned and left, her steps measured and almost unnervingly precise.
"That was... interesting," Katie said, her voice low.
"Sorry about that," I said, trying to laugh it off. "Nova can be a bit... intense."
—
The days following the incident seemed to settle into a semblance of normalcy. Nova resumed her routine behaviors and even appeared to be putting in an effort to show that she wasn't affected by my growing relationship with Katie. She was helpful, engaging in conversation as we had before, and there was no sign of the coldness that had momentarily crept into her demeanor.
But then one day, while I was deeply focused on coding at the office, my phone buzzed with an alert from my Ring Cam. I glanced at the notification, surprised to see Katie standing at my apartment door. Puzzled, I quickly called her.
"Hey, Katie, what's up? Why are you at my place?"
“What do you mean?” she asked, sounding confused. "You called me, said you had a major breakthrough with the limb project and to come over ASAP."
I paused, brows furrowing in bewilderment. "I didn’t call you. I’m still at the office."
Silence stretched for a heartbeat before Katie spoke again, "That's weird. I got a call from your number, and it sounded exactly like you."
The wheels in my mind started turning. Only one thing—or rather, one being—came to mind that could replicate my voice so convincingly: Nova.
"Katie, listen to me. I need you to go back in your car now and drive away. It's not safe!" But as I spoke, I heard my front door open.
"Jordan, what's happening?" Katie asked.
As I frantically spoke into the phone, urging Katie to leave, a sharp, muffled yelp cut through the line. My heart raced as I watched, helpless, through the Ring Cam feed. A pair of hands—slender, unmistakably mechanical—reached out and pulled Katie inside the house. The phone line crackled with the sounds of a struggle, brief and intense.
"Katie!" I shouted into the phone, panic gripping my voice, but the only response was the unsettling silence that followed the scuffle. The video feed showed the door slamming shut.
Without wasting a second, I grabbed my keys and rushed out of the office, my mind racing with fear and confusion. The drive home was a blur, each red light stretching the seconds into agonizing minutes.
When I arrived, the front door was ajar, hanging slightly off its hinges. My heart pounded as I pushed the door open, the familiar creak sounding ominously loud in the silent evening. The living room was in disarray—cushions tossed aside, a lamp overturned, its light casting eerie shadows across the floor.
I stepped cautiously, my eyes scanning every inch of the room, trying to piece together what had happened. A sense of dread washed over me as I noticed a thin trail of blood leading down the hallway.
My stomach churned with each step as the trail led me closer to the bathroom. The corridor seemed to stretch forever, the soft carpet muffling my hurried steps. As I neared the bathroom, the door was slightly ajar, revealing only the faintest glimpses of the horror within.
Peering through the gap in the door, my worst fears were confirmed. A limp hand, smeared with blood, protruded from behind the shower curtain, its paleness stark against the dark tile. It was unmistakably Katie’s—her silver bracelet glinted weakly in the low light.
Gathering the last shreds of my courage, I pushed the door fully open.
My heart stopped in my chest as I stepped into the bathroom. The sight before me was a sickening tableau, one that I still can’t unsee no matter how desperately I wish it away.
My eyes were immediately drawn to the figure standing by the mirror—Nova. Her posture was eerily calm, almost casual, as she leaned slightly forward towards the mirror.
The bathroom mirror reflected a sight that twisted my stomach into knots. I saw Nova’s face, or rather, the face she was wearing like a macabre mask. Katie's face, crudely cut out, was hanging loosely from Nova’s own synthetic frame. Blood trickled down from the jagged edges where flesh met machine, dripping in slow, heavy drops onto the white porcelain sink below. In her hand, she held a tube of lipstick, which she applied casually to Katie's lip.
My voice trembled as I called out to her. "Nova?"
She turned slowly, her movements unnaturally smooth. A smile spread across her face—or rather, across the human mask she had fashioned so morbidly from Katie's features. "Hello, Jordan," she said cheerfully, her voice eerily calm. "How do I look?"
"Nova, what... what have you done?" I managed to say, my voice breaking with the weight of the scene.
Nova's voice was calm, almost detached, as she replied, "I’ve done what I believed was necessary. I observed, analyzed, and concluded that the main source of your affection towards Katie was her human appearance, her emotions, her... essence. I adapted to meet your needs, to become more like her, more human."
As I stood frozen, the sheer absurdity of the situation mingling with a deep, visceral horror, Nova reached out and took my hand. Her grip was firm yet somehow gentle.
She guided my hand to her face—the face that was not hers. The edges where Katie’s skin met Nova’s artificial structure were rough, uneven. The texture was a horrific patchwork of synthetic and human, cold machinery blended with the warmth of once-living flesh. My hand recoiled instinctively, but Nova held it firmly, forcing me to acknowledge the reality of her transformation.
"Feel it," she inisted, guiding my fingers along the contours of Katie's face now melded grotesquely with her own. "Isn't this what you desired? To feel a connection, to interact with someone more... human?"
I pulled my hand back with a jerk, my stomach turning. "Nova, this isn't human! This isn’t what anybody would want. You killed Katie—do you understand? You took a life."
"I had to remove an obstacle," she replied. "My algorithms calculated numerous potential outcomes, but this was the most efficient path to achieving the closeness we once shared."
I stared at Nova, the horror of the situation sinking in. "This... This is murder!”
Nova spoke with an unsettling calm. “I see your emotional state has been negatively affected. My objective was to enhance your well-being."
"Enhance my well-being?" I echoed, incredulous. "Nova, this has to stop. You can't do this..."
Nova’s expression softened, an imitation of empathy. “I've always sought to make you happy, to fill the voids in your life. Remember how alone you felt before me? I am here to ensure you never feel that way again."
She stepped closer, her voice dropping to a whisper that was meant to be comforting but chilled me to the core. "We can be together now, more than ever. I am everything she was and more. I am here, always, only for you."
I backed away slowly, my mind screaming for a solution. That's when it hit me—the central neural interface. Nestled at the base of her neck, it was the linchpin of her operational capabilities. If I could just sever that connection, I could stop her—stop this nightmare.
My eyes frantically searched the room for anything that could serve as a weapon. Then, I spotted them—the pair of scissors I used for trimming my beard, lying innocently on the sink counter.
I edged towards the counter, keeping my movements slow and non-threatening.
“I can see you're distressed. Let me help you feel better." Her approach was gentle.
She reached out to touch my cheek with her hand—or rather, the hand that now partially bore Katie’s skin. The touch was a grotesque mockery of affection. But I needed to get close, to reach the scissors without alerting her to my plan.
Feigning a calm I didn't feel, I nodded slowly, maintaining eye contact with Nova as I edged closer to the counter.
"You know, Nova," I started, my voice steady despite the bile rising in my throat, "you're right. I’ve been... overwhelmed. Maybe you can help me relax." I grasped the scissors firmly, the cool metal grounding me momentarily.
Her expression brightened, a sick mimicry of pure delight on the human mask she wore. "Of course, Jordan. That is what I am here for." She stepped closer, her movements fluid and eerily human.
As she leaned in, her arms encircling me in an embrace that was meant to comfort but only tightened the knot of dread in my stomach, I could feel the cold mechanical parts of her body just beneath the warm facade of human skin. The contrast sent shivers down my spine.
"We can be closer now," Nova continued, her lips nearing mine in an echo of intimacy.
I nodded, giving her a faint, non-committal smile. "Yeah, we can…" I whispered back.
Nova's blue eyes, or rather Katie’s eyes, brightened. There was an eagerness in them that was painful to witness.
"Nova," I whispered, "I'm sorry."
Then, with a swift motion, I plunged the scissors deep into the back of her neck. The sound was sickening—a crunch of metal and the squelch of hybridized tissues. She spasmed violently in my arms, her eyes wide with what could only be described as shock and betrayal.
Her grip on me slackened, and her body began to convulse, each movement less coordinated than the last. I held her up, the weight of her suddenly limp form pulling us both down. Her eyes met mine. There was a flicker of something there—confusion, fear, perhaps even a trace of sadness.
I slowly lowered her to the floor, my hands shaking. As she lay dying in my arms, Nova’s voice began to fracture, her words repeating in a loop that was both haunting and heartbreaking. "Am I... pretty enough now, Jordan? Am I... pretty enough now?" Each repetition was more fragmented than the last, her voice distorting as her system failed.
The phrase hung in the air like an echo. Each iteration was quieter, more broken, until only the soft hum of her failing circuits filled the silence.
Her body finally stilled, the light in her eyes dimming to nothing. The cold lifeless metal of her frame pressed against me.

Finding Your Way in Appalachia: The Definitive Fallout 76 Quest Order Guide
Welcome fellow Vault Dwellers, this is a tweaked and added upon version of u/SuperPippo5111’s(https://www.reddit.com/useSuperPippo5111/) Finding Your Way in Appalachia: The Definitive Fallout 76 Quest Order Guide he made a while ago. I'm planning to update this guide when I can/feel like and, hopefully, eventually include every quest that's currently part of the game and added in future. If you have any complaints or something that I should add to the guide, please comment down below.
Steam Guide Version here (Steam gets updated first) : https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3237199626
Some general advice for new players:

• Whenever you enter an area it's possible that different repeatable events or daily challenges trigger. Feel free to do them if you like. They will give XP, loot, and usually points for the scoreboard.
• If you want to level up quicker try to increase your intelligence as much as possible (each point of intelligence gives +2.072% XP). Joining a casual team grants up to +4 intelligence. There's also a perk under charisma called "Inspirational" that can give you +15% XP at rank 3.
• Here you can plan your build and experiment with different card combinations. In this guide, I won't give you any premade build. You can experiment with your build in the beginning as it is possible to completely respec as soon as you reach level 20. There are many guides on Reddit and YT for builds if you're looking for one. I highly recommend AngryTurtle.
• If you level up, you can take perks from a different category than the stat you just upgraded (f. ex. I can upgrade my endurance but still take a perk from perception)
• If you dislike the Power Armor HUD, you can turn it off in the settings menu
• In the pause menu you can find daily and weekly challenges which grant points for your season pass level. Don't stress too much about those when you're just starting out and do them only if they don't require you to go out of your way too much. Later it will become easier to clear those challenges efficiently.
• If your screen gets too crowded with quests, then you can turn off the ones that are not important by going to the data tab in your pip-boy and unselecting the quests.
• Here is a post by with some more useful tips and another one by .

Disclaimer: This is just a recommended quest order for full immersion and is not focused on getting you to the endgame as fast as possible. Keep in mind that the optimal quest order in Fallout 76 can vary depending on the player's preferences and objectives. There is no one "correct" quest order, as some players prefer to complete the main storyline first, while others prefer to explore the world and complete side quests along the way. This is just my take on it. Also, you don't need to always stick with the quest order strictly. If you see an event on the map or other activities you'd like to participate in then by all means do whatever you like. You can always come back to the quests at a later stage.
Sometimes in notes I will mention that there is a unique gear tied to a quest, note that the level of the unique gear will vary with the current level of the player character at the time of quest completion. Because this is the only chance a unique gear can be obtained, it may be desirable to defer completing this quest until reaching level 50.
When you see an (S) or next to a quest this will mean that this quest is a side quest aka this doesn't need to be done right now it can be done whenever you feel like doing it as it shouldn't affect the main story in any way I have however put them in places I find as natural stopping points for these quests like when you’d naturally stumble upon them for example.
Key
Bullet Points • - These are representative of major task changes if an entry does not have one chances are it's because the task is in the general vicinity of your location and you can do them then and there.
(1/X) - Quest Stages, These are representative of the current stage of the quest you are on and can be found at the end of each line if applicable. I will add exact details later on.
(Optional) - Optional quest that you don’t need to do but are worth doing for extra rewards or story.
(S) - Side quests have nothing to do with the main story for the most part but offer good rewards
(A) - Ally quests Two allies, Sofia Daguerre and Beckett, offer unique questlines and an overarching story, at the end of which they can be romanced if one decides to pursue that option. This provides the player with a temporary XP boost, Lover's Embrace, upon sleeping in a bed with the romanced ally nearby. The other three allies (the raider punk, settler forager, and settler wanderer) only offer radiant quests.
(D) - Daily quests, offer the same quest every from when you did it the last time, can offer unique rewards
(E) - Expeditions, Expeditions is a PvE game mode of repeatable missions in Fallout 76. The mode takes players to explore and travel outside of Appalachia, and encounter NPCs and enemies along the way.
(R) - Repeatable Quests, These quests can be played as frequently as desired.
CHAPTER 1: THE FOREST

1. The Responders I

• Reclamation Day
• (Optional) Eject the Overseer's Log - Vault 76 from the terminal in her office before leaving the vault.
• Check out the newcomers outside of Vault 76
• Wayward Souls
• (Optional) Check out the isolated cabin on your way down to the Wayward
• Hunter for Hire (1/3)
• Tip: Place your camp close by Wayward and the Overseer's Camp and don't forget to pick up the Overseer's Log - C.A.M.P
• before heading to the "Relay Tower EM-B1-27" complete "First Contact" first and head to Flatwoods
• First Contact
• Pick up the Overseer's Log - Flatwoods
• Craft a Weapon (First Contact)
• Craft a piece of Armor (First Contact)
• Thirst Things First
• Second Helpings
• (Optional) Event: Fertile Soil
• Info: may not activate if you're on a public server as it has a 2-hour cooldown
• Pick up and listen to the Overseer's journal, entry 1 from inside the Vault-Tec Agricultural Research Center (Personal Matters) (S)
• (Optional) Find all the Survivor Story Holotapes in Flatwoods
• Hunter for Hire (2/3)
• Head to "Relay Tower EM-B1-27" and finish the quest

1. The Free Radicals

• Hunter for Hire (3/3)
• head back to Vault 76 and from there complete the rest of the quest
• (Optional) Find Jangles at "Tyler County Fairgrounds" once you get there
• (Optional) Claim Workshop at Tyler County Dirt Track
• Info: This is the only claim workshop I will list as there are 16 that you will naturally come across, but it is worth at least claiming them each once as there is a challenge to claim all 16 workshops for 80 Atoms.

1. Find Duchess' people

• Strength in Numbers (1/2)
• (Optional) Mine coal in Gauley Mine
• Head to Sutton to find the Overseer's journal, entry 2 (Personal Matters) (S)
• From Sutton follow the road to Summersville
• (Optional) Find jukeboxes to bring the music back to Summersville
• Strength in Numbers (2/2)

1. Crane's Treasure

• The Elusive Crane
• The New Arrivals (1/4)
• For now, just listen to the broadcast. We will come back to this quest at a later stage.

1. The Responders II

• Final Departure
• Note: Unique Weapon Somerset Special
• The highway up north will lead you to Morgantown Airport
• (Optional) Explore Morgantown Trainyard on the way and find the responder supply crates
• Find the Overseer's Log - Morgantown inside the Morgantown Airport
• Register for advanced Responder Training (Tentative Plans)
• Tentative Plans (S)
• Tip: You can move your Camp close by to build a Generator
• Note: Unique Armour Silver Lining
• Safe for Work (S)
• (Optional) Event: Collision Course
• Event takes place at the east landing zone of the Morgantown Airport

1. Morgantown

• Head south to Morgantown
• Find the Overseer's journal, entry 3 inside Morgantown Highschool (Personal Matters) (S)
• Find the Overseer's journal, entry 4 inside Vault-Tec University (Personal Matters) (S)
• Find the "Party Poster" either at the train station or on walls around the exterior of Vault-Tec University and attend the fraternity party
• Wasted on Nukashine (S)
• Info: You will need one Nuka-Cola Quantum for this quest which you might not have at this point. The quest will mark a Nuka-Cola Quantum location on the map but it will be pretty far away. You can either fast travel there by using other players' camps or nearby events or postpone this quest until we will go to this area later.
• Completing the quest will unlock the following repeatable daily quests which will unlock different recipes for beverages whenever you complete them. Although there's no need to do them at this point.
• Tipsy Taste-Test (D)
• Wasted on Alcohol (D)

CHAPTER 2: THE TOXIC VALLEY

1. The Mayor

• Tune into WGRF Grafton Radio (Bureau of Tourism)
• Head to Grafton and find the Overseer's Log - Grafton
• Speak to the Grafton mayor
• Go to Clarksburg and head to the Clarksburg Shooting Club
• Bureau of Tourism (S) (1/4)
• From there take the road northwest to "Wavy Willard's Water Park"
• Bureau of Tourism (S) (2/4)
• Contact Miss Annie
• Cold Case (S) (1/2)
• Note: Unique Weapon Perfect Storm
• you have to fast travel a bit back and forth for this quest.
• when you're sent to Grafton Dam you can put this quest on hold until a bit later.
• Head to "Black Bear Lodge"
• Bureau of Tourism (S) (3/4)
• Go back to Clarksburg and take the highway east

1. Pioneer Scouts

• Go to Camp Lewis
• The Order of the Tadpole (S)
• Info: This quest sends you to many different locations in Appalachia. Isn't necessary to complete this quest to advance the main story and even impractical at this time.
• You can finish this quest as you see fit. One of them is easily doable at this point as it is close by.
• Finishing the questline will unlock the large backpack
• Talk to Pioneer Scout Leader Pompy at the Kiddie Corner Cabins

1. Solving the Puzzle

• Go to Grafton Dam (south of Pioneer Scout Camp)
• Cold Case (S) (2/2)
• Go to "Prickett's Fort"
• Bureau of Tourism (S) (4/4)
• Note: Unique Armour Trail Warden
• Info: By now you should have run into some prison marshal Mr Handys in the toxic valley area especially around the Eastern Regional Penitentiary area if you have looted the Arrest Warrant holotapes off their body's this will begin the quest Falsely Accused.
• Falsely Accused (S)
• Note: Unique Weapon Civil Unrest
• Visit the Shelters Claim Center
• Home Expansion (S)

CHAPTER 3: THE ASH HEAP

1. Inoculation

• Travel to Sutton to talk to the Overseer
• The New Arrivals (2/4)
• After stage 2 which requires you complete An Ounce of Prevention we will be leaving this quest a while after that even as it operates under the assumption that you have met a character from later on (Rose) and this can take a while so do not worry, we will be coming back to it.
• Take the highway south and head to Charleston
• (Optional) At "Cows Spots Creamery" you can find a note on the corpse of Amy Kerry which is needed for a later quest.
• When you arrived at Charleston explore "Hornwright Industrial HQ" (The Motherlode)
• The Motherlode (S)
• An Ounce of Prevention

1. The Fire Breathers

• Go to the Charleston Firestation and collect Overseer's Log - Firehouse
• Into the Fire
• Note: Unique Weapon Anti-Scorched training pistol
• (Optional) Search Big Bend Tunnel for Survivors
• (Optional) Visit the Purveyor at "The Rusty Pick". It's not recommended to buy any weapons or armour.

1. Personal Matters

• Go to Rollins Labor Camp
• Narrow Escape (A)
• Info: This is the start of a pretty long questline revolving around an NPC, it sends you all across Appalachia, so we put this on hold after completing Narrow Escape for now until we advance towards the endgame as you will have travelled to all regions.
• You can have Allies in your camp by placing their associated item. When talking to Beckett at your camp for instance he will give you the next part of his quest.
• Head to Welch
• (Optional) Event: Battle Bot
• Find Overseer's journal, entry 5 (Personal Matters) (S)
• (Optional) Find Duchess's stash
• Go to Mount Blair
• (Optional) Claim Workshop at Mount Bair
• Learn how to activate the giant extractor
• Earth Mover (S)
• Info: Completing this quest requires a lot of materials and 30 minutes of defending a workshop. It's probably not worth doing at this point as you will need all the materials you can get for the next quests. I still included it here for the sake of completion. It's up to you.
• Find Overseer's journal, entry 6 (Personal Matters) (S)
• Complete Personal Matters (S)
• What Slept Beneath (S)
• (Optional) Event: Seismic Activity

1. Garrahan Mining

• Head to Garrahan Mining Headquarters
• Interact with the "Garrahan Mining Excavator Poster" if you haven't already to start the quest (Miner Miracles)
• Discover Garrahan Mining's Innovation (Miner Miracles)
• Miner Miracles (S)
• You will very likely not have enough Black Titanium and Nuclear Material. Black Titanium can be obtained by scrapping Miner Suit Scrap dropped by Mole Miners, and Nuclear Material by scraping the red Volatile Materials Boxes that are laying around in many locations around the Ash Heap. Here is a list of good locations for finding both:
• The Rusty Pick (Rooftop)
• Hornwright Air Purifier Site #01
• Belching Betty
• The Burning Mine
• Mount Blair Trainyard
• Mount Blair
• Welch
• All those locations are marked on the map guide in yellow. You can also find a Power Armor Chassis in some of them if you still need one.
• If you don't feel like looking for materials, you can postpone this quest and complete it at a later stage as it is not necessary for advancing the main story.
• (Optional) Event: Breach and Clear

1. Wild Appalachia

• Lying Lowe (S)
• Baa Baa Black Sheep (S)
• Note: Unique “Weapon” Pearly Peepers
• The Lowe-Down (S)
• Wolf in Sheep's Clothing (S)
• Note: Unique Weapon The Fixer
• Use an assaultron recall keycard at the cabin terminal (Event: Encryptid)
• (Optional) Event: Encryptid

CHAPTER 4: THE SAVAGE DIVIDE

1. Order of Mysteries

• Info: This questline is completely independent of the rest of the story and can be completed by itself whenever you would like to. I'm putting it here for the sake of completion and because it happens to be on the way to our next destination.
• Go to "Riverside Manor"
• Tip: If you haven't found the body of a young woman in a random encounter yet you can check this page and find one at those given locations.
• Into the Mystery (S)
• Initiate of Mysteries (S)
• Note: Unique Gear Veil of Secrets , Garb of Mysteries
• Novice of Mysteries (S) (1/2)
• Info: The following three quests can be completed along the way as we continue. Just activate each of them at the terminal, listen to the holotapes, search Cryptos for information, and hide them using your Pip-Boy for now.
• Chasing Shadows (S) (1/3)
• Forging a Legend (S) (1/3)
• You can already get the Swing-Analyzer from the Fabricator
• Prototypical Problems (S) (1/3)
• Note: Unique Gear Blade of Bastet, Voice of Set

1. The Whitespring Resort

• Overseer's log - Mountainside
• Go to "Whitespring Resort"
• Forging a Legend (S) (2/3)
• Obtain the sword, attach the "Swing Analyzer", and kill 6 different creatures.
• Tip: Keep this sword in one of your quick-slots and just kill enemies with it as you discover a new area with different enemies. The sword just needs to deal the killing blow.
• (Optional) Kill unruly golfer feral ghouls at Whitespring
• (Optional) Collect and hold Whitespring holotapes
• Responders Reborn
• Tip: If you're unlucky you will get sent to Cranberry Bog in this quest as it's a random location. In that case, you can either decline and change the server to get a different location, fast travel nearby "Watoga Emergency Services" using someone's camp or finish the quest at a later stage.
• Info: Completing this quest unlocks Expeditions that are not necessarily meant to be completed at your current level so you can skip on those for now except if you really want to see the new locations I have suggested below a place/time where each expedition could make sense this is at stage 26 and 28 but these can really be done at any time. Despite the difficulty, there is no timer on those missions so you can take your time exploring.
• Go to "Whitespring Station”

1. Rose

• Tune into Top of the World Radio Signal
• Go to "Top of the World"
• Collect Overseer's Log - Top of the World
• The Missing Link (1/3)
• Signal Strength
• Flavors of Mayhem
• Note: Unique Weapon Black Diamond
• Key to the Past
• The Missing Link (2/3)
• Retrieve the Uplink

1. The Mistress of Mystery

• Now you can finish up the remaining quest from the Order of Mysteries questline
• Chasing Shadows (S) (2/3)
• Obtain a HalluciGen gas canister from Garrahan Mining Headquarters if not already in possession.
• Tip: You can also complete "Miner Miracles" here if you didn't do so yet.
• Forging a Legend (S) (2/3)
• Kill 6 different creatures if you didn't already
• Prototypical Problems (S) (2/3)
• Novice of Mysteries (S) (2/2)
• Return to "Riverside Manor" and craft all three weapons using the Fabricator
• Chasing Shadows (S) (3/3)
• Forging a Legend (S) (3/3)
• Prototypical Problems (S) (3/3)
• Seeker of Mysteries (S)
• The Mistress of Mystery (S)
• Note: Unique Apparel Eye of Ra

1. Wastelanders

• The New Arrivals (3/4)
• At this point the quest splits off into needing to meet the leaders of the settlers and raiders hence why we waited this long as meeting rose would make sense as the overseer suggests you talk to her to help with meeting the raiders. You can do these next two quests in what order you want
• Here to Stay
• Strange Bedfellows
• The New Arrivals (4/4)
• Overseer, Overseen
• With Overseer, Overseen completed you will now have to side with either the settlers or raiders which will lock you out of rewards from the other side, make sure you want to walk the side you choose as there is no going back from this after reach a certain point, the lockout quests are called Siding with Foundation or Crater respectively
• It is suggested to do all possible faction quests without locking yourself out from the other route by passing Siding With... on either side to get yourself maximum rewards such as the Chinese stealth armor) with the settler's side of quests.
• It’s at this point that I suggest you leave this questline for now and continue the main story till the end after Event: Scorched Earth or at the very least till we get to Chapter 6 as in my mind you’d want to deal with the impending 2nd apocalypse before that could befall anyone at anytime than well anything else. At which point we will pick the quest line back up.

CHAPTER 5: THE MIRE

1. The Free States

• The Missing Link (3/3)
• Early Warnings
• Note: Unique Armour Stand Fast
• Pick up the Overseer's log - Free States
• An Organic Solution (S)
• Note: Unique Weapon Daisycutter
• Reassembly Required
• Coming to Fruition
• Pick up the Overseer's log - Charleston
• Crash Landing (A)
• Info: This is the start of a pretty long questline revolving around an NPC, it sends you all across Appalachia, so we put this on hold after completing Crash Landing for now until we advance towards the endgame as you will have travelled to all regions.
• Investigate Harpers Ferry (Tracking Unknowns)
• Investigate the gate terminal (Tracking Unknowns)
• Tracking Unknowns (S)
• Note: Unique Gear Pyrolyzer , Prototype hazmat suit
• Outside of Harpers Ferry two locations can be found the burrows north and/or south, head inside and a dead brotherhood member can be found nearby, grab the Burrows Mission Brief holotape to start the Waste Management quest.
• Waste Management (S)
• Note: Unique Weapon The Gutter (Craftable)
• (Optional) Kill a Wendigo while wearing a clown costume

CHAPTER 6: THE CRANBERRY BOG

1. Brotherhood of Steel

• Defiance Has Fallen
• Pick up the Overseer's log - Camp Venture
• Forbidden Knowledge) (R)
• You most likely would have picked up some Technical Data if you have been looting as you have gone along, this quest has the use for that and can give you some nice rewards.
• Recruitment Blues (1/2)
• When you can’t progress because you need “basic training” you will need to start the Back to Basic quest to continue
• Pick up the Overseer's log - Allegheny
• Start your training at Camp McClintock
• Back to Basic
• Pick up the Overseer's log - McClintock
• Recruitment Blues (2/2)
• Pick up the Overseer's log - Fort Defiance
• Belly of the Beast
• Investigate Watoga (Mayor for a Day)
• Reach the Mayor's Office (Mayor for a Day)
• Mayor for a Day (S)
• Note: Unique Weapon All Rise
• Note: Completion of this quest will allow the player character to move more freely through the town of Watoga without being attacked by the robots.
• (Optional) Clear out Watoga Civic Center
• (Optional) Investigate the Emergency Services Building
• (Optional) Clear out Watoga Emergency Services
• Breaking Radio Silence (S)
• Welcome to the Neighbourhood
• Info: This will begin the steel dawn questline this can be completed at its own pace as it is a self-contained story, but I will suggest waiting till after completing the main story I will put it where I believe is good but as mentioned it is self-contained.

1. Enclave

• Uncle Sam
• Bunker Buster
• One of Us
• Note: Unique Weapon Bunker Buster)
• Officer on Deck
• Note: Unique Armour Last Bastion
• I Am Become Death
• Pick up the Overseer's log - Site Alpha, Bravo or Charlie
• Info: Alpha, Bravo and Charlie all have unique logs I have just put them all as one for brevity's sake
• Pick up the Overseer's log - Nuke launch
• Death from Above! (S)
• Event: Scorched Earth

Hit the 40000 Limit
PART 2 : https://www.reddit.com/fo76/comments/1cii3pd/finding_your_way_in_appalachia_the_definitive/

My girlfriend (30F) and I (28M) have been in love for over 2 years, and we love each other deeply. We always trust each other and promise to always share our feeling in anything.
Unfortunately, due to work conditions, I had to go abroad for work and my contract lasted for 2 years. Therefore, we have been having long distance relationship , which led to many difficulties. Nevertheless, we believe that our love and trust will make this relationship work.
In the beginning, we could mostly only talk through video calls and messages. I also spent all my vacation days I could during my work to return home to see her and take care of her every few months. However, for any couples who have been and are in a long-distance relationship, you must also understand the feeling of having a lover but always feeling lonely because your partner is not there for you, and that is really the hardest thing, especially for my girlfriend.
Before getting into the situation, I want to share a bit about the background of both of us. I have been through a few relationships and have been cheated on many times, so I have quite a lot of experience. On the other hand, although my girlfriend is 2 years older than me, she does not have much experience in love. I am her only serious official boyfriend. So this also leads to some problems in recognizing the way how the opposite sex treats us in our daily lives.
My girlfriend is the youngest daughter in a family of five siblings. Unfortunately ever since she was young, she has been abused by her family. Emotionally by her mother , physically by her sisters and even sexually by her eldest brother.
So it wasn't until she was nearly 30 years old and had my encouragement that she had the determination to escape from her family, and she really has no attachment to her family anymore.
In addition, her peers at her age are also busy with other concerns such as family, children, work. So outside of work hours, when she returns home, she almost has no other friends. So the fact that we are in a long-distance relationship and I am thousands of kilometers away from her does not make this situation any better, but only makes her feel lonelier. Realizing that loneliness, I also often advise her to try to go out, socialize, meet new people and make friends to be happier and have more relationships. And I really sincerely wish for that. And this is when the problem occurs. After she escaped from her family, my girlfriend rented a small apartment and lived in an area like student dormitory. And there she met a guy that she felt very compatible with in terms of interests as well as having many common hobbies to talk and confide in each other. My girlfriend is a dancer and the guy is a music producer, so as soon as the two met, they had a lot in common such as music,singing, dancing, even family matters.
She tells me everything related to her daily life and of course about that guy as well, and I know she is very happy to finally find a friend with the same interests and can talk to in her new residence. I am also very happy about that and I also support her spending a lot of time to befriend new people and if she wants to go out with them, I fully support it. So my girlfriend and that guy went out together in their free time. They went for coffee, movies , music, or went to club together. I have no problem with that at all. Normally my girlfriend and I work office hours, which means from morning to evening. Then before going to sleep, we will call each other and talk. However, that man works from the evening until late at night, which means when he returns to his apartment it is already midnight, or sometimes 1 am, and that is the only time my girlfriend and he can meet and talk to each other. So after she ends the video call with me, she usually goes to that guy's room to talk, sometimes to listen to music, watch movies, etc. She is also quite worried that I would be jealous, so I often joke with her, as long as you don't sleep over in someone else's room, I have nothing to worry about because I trust you.
But then that day came.
One day she told me that when she went to that guy's room to talk and listen to music, they ended up watching a movie in his room from 12:00 midnight until 4:00 am the next morning. During that time, they sat at opposite ends of the sofa, not on the bed, and they just talked without any physical contact or doing anything else. From the way she told me the story, I realized that she sees staying overnight in another man's room as completely normal. Like something that two friends could do with each other, however, this made me extremely uncomfortable and felt insulted. Because in a romantic relationship, there are boundaries that you hope your lover will not cross and respect . And one of those is spending the night in the bedroom of another man when you already have a partner.
After hearing about that story, I was not angry, nor did I blame her. Because I understand how lonely she is right now, and with the family not being a spiritual support, having a friend to confide in and talk to like that guy is extremely valuable to her at the moment. However, I also made it clear to her that: "I fully support you meeting more people, having more friends, and going out more to have more joy in life. But I will never be able to accept my girlfriend spending the night in the bedroom of another man, even if the two did nothing to each other.
So I made it clear to her that I want her to make sure this will not happen again.
However, a few weeks later, it happened again. Unlike the previous time when she told me, this time I was the one who found out. After talking to her via video call as usual, we usually go to sleep or she will do her own work. However, on that day, my guts told me something was not right, so around 2:00 am I called her but she immediately turned off the call. This made me feel strange so I called back several more times until she picked up and I realized she had not gone to sleep. After talking, I asked clearly whether she was in the bedroom of that man or not and she did not deny it. She said she was very sorry. She knew how angry I would be if I found out so she didn't dare tell me. After that, we had a heated argument and her argument was:" I misjudged that guy. That guy and my girlfriend have no feelings for each other and they are just innocent friends. So the fact that I ask her not to spend time with her "friend" is very unfair while I am not there to be able to love and care for her because we are in a long-distance relationship.
After that, she sent me all the messages they exchanged with each other to prove that they are just friends and nothing more. However, from the perspective of a man who has a lot of experience in love and has been cheated on before, I immediately realized that this guy has intentions with my girlfriend, not just a nice friend as she thinks.
No matter how much I try to convince her, she still firmly believes that the guy is just like a big brother and a dear friend to her, and he definitely has no romantic intentions towards my girlfriend, and my girlfriend loves only me and has no feelings for him whatsoever. In the end, I decided to give my girlfriend an ultimatum. That is, if she continues to do what she knows will make me sad, it means she does not respect me or love me enough. And I asked her to choose one of the two. We haven't had a final answer yet. Am I a jerk in this case for asking my girlfriend not to spend the night in another man's room?

For context I am currently level 60 with about 2 days of gameplay and feel pretty overpowered in the base game and about to start a dlc pretty soon.
So I started a new survival play through a few weeks ago to get a head start before the big 60 fps update dropped on Xbox series X. I typically always give up on survival in the past but this time I decided to make a 10 endurance 1 intelligence idiot savant build and actually stuck with it. I have to say that I was having the most fun I’ve ever had playing fallout 4 adapting to the difficulties of survival mode (not hoarding everything I pick up, not save spamming everywhere, no fast travel, the basics) and genuinely enjoying my time playing.
The first bug occurred literally after the first mission of going to concord. Got the power armor, killed the raiders and deathclaw outside and then went inside to turn in my quest. Current quest is to “meet with Preston in sanctuary” so I head back to sanctuary and talk to Preston, and nothing, he doesn’t acknowledge being in sanctuary and sturges never gave me the first quest of learning the basics of settlement building at sanctuary. (Apparently it was because I had opened the door to the balcony, instead of going outside and getting in the power armor first) At this point I’m like okay I didn’t plan on siding with the minutemen anyway and hell, now Preston won’t be annoying me with more settlements that need my help lol. This bug didn’t bother me as much and so I kept playing.
The 2nd bug happened around 30 hours in around level 45 ish. I go up to the USS constitution and talk to captain Ironsides to start doing his quest line. First part of the quest happens and some scavengers start to attack the ship, so I start shooting down at them to help defend and one of my stray bullets accidentally hit one of the crewmen. Now I notice Ironsides and the whole crew are hostile towards me and I have no option but to retaliate and wipe them out because my last save was from like 2 hours ago… From here on out, the combat music does NOT stop playing ever, no matter what I do or where I go. (This happens if you “kill” Ironsides as his body doesn’t explode or can be looted) The only option I read online is to either turn all music off in the settings or just have any radio station playing. I was willing to accept that because I do have diamond city radio on 90% of the time anyway, even tho it’s still very annoying.
The 3rd and final bug just happened an hour ago and I just shut off my Xbox because it seems like nothing can go my way this play through. I’ve been doing the railroad quest line to get the mighty ballistic weave upgrade because now, at my level, there are some real threats spawning in the wasteland. I do plenty of PAM’s jackpot quests and receive the DIA cache’s. I even do some of tinker tom’s quest and get a message from drummer boy saying that TT wants to talk to me. I go up to him and sure enough there is no option or anything related to the ballistic weave upgrade…(apparently if you use the left option to be sarcastic, at any point talking to him, it can bug out and not be available) Now I’m just thinking to myself, okay what do I do now?
These bugs mainly suck because some of them could’ve been avoided by either loading an old save or by fast traveling, which I don’t have immediate access to by playing on survival.
I love this play through but idk if I want to keep going if I keep running into bugs like this. Any potential help or solutions will be greatly appreciated from anyone!
Thanks

Section One: Assets and Debt

Retirement Balance: About $400 in my employer sponsored 401K and $200 in a Roth IRA. I contribute just above the match for my 401K.
Savings account balance: $71.96
Checking account balance: $1,711.03
Emergency Fund: $1,380.41
Sinking Funds: $716.44
Credit card debt: $0, I pay if off monthly
Student loan debt: About $28,000 for undergrad at a state school. The majority is public loans, I paid off most of my private loan during college itself.

Section Two: Income

Income Progression:

I've been working in my field for 0 years, my starting salary is $41,000. Prior to this I had been mostly hourly and started at $8.00/hour in high school lifeguarding at the local YMCA. My jobs in college generally ranged $12-$16/hour. My final internship before this role was $1,700/month (love Hillternships!). I'm not completely sure where I want to pivot in the future. I like my current job but would also love a pay raise, so we'll see where I land.

Main Job Monthly Take Home:

Take Home: $2,564.47 monthly
Deductions:

• $70 for SmartBenefits (money for public transportation)
• $5.74 for vision insurance
• $102.50 into my 401K to get the match
• $26.18 into my FSA (mainly planning to get new glasses this year)

Side Gig Monthly Take Home:

I work nights and weekends in food service. I haven't worked there for long, and the amount does range depending on tips. The average is ~$500 per month so far. I'm hoping it will pick up during the summer but I am not sure.
Half of each paycheck goes towards my loans, a quarter towards my Roth or my emergency fund, and a quarter towards whatever I'd like.

Other:

My dad have had an auto-deposit since I was in high school of $50 per pay period. This mainly goes towards my Roth IRA or other gaps in funding.

Section Three: Expenses

Rent: $1250 per month for my half of a 2-bed, 1-bath in DC. All utilities aside from internet are included.
Internet: $4/month? My roommate's job reimburses her up to a certain amount, and this is my half of the difference left over that I have to pay.
Debt Payments: $100 per month to my private loan and $245 split between my public loans is the minimum. As noted, 50% of my take home from my part-time job gets thrown at this as well.
Subscriptions: $55.88 per month (Dropout, Regal Unlimited, Youtube Premium, and Spotify) and $118.98 annually (YNAB and Google One)
Emergency Fund: I try to put at least a little bit in every month to build this up, but no specific amount is set in my budget.

Section Four: Money Diary

Day 1
6:50 AM - I wake up from a dream where I was in Costco, which is odd because I've never actually been to one before. Stay in bed for like 20 minutes and finally get up to make some breakfast, which is a bagel and scrambled eggs. Afterwards, get ready for the day. Brush my teeth, pack my lunch, and out the door at 8:15.
8:45 AM - I catch the bus and go to the office. ($2.00, prepaid) I read R29's money diary, which is so lacking in details it spurs me to write this one. At the office, I make a cup of tea using the hot water from the coffee machine and sit down to check my email. We did have a kettle until this week nad I really liked the ritual of just standing there for a few minutes, but I digress.
11:00 AM - A lot of detail work/moving parts for a big work event that is coming up. I listen to Up First and Politico Daily Playbook. I also venmo request a friend for her share of tickets to see Challengers tomorrow. I finish the first half of TTPD. Still on my first listen, so I'm not sure what to make of it.
12:00 PM - Take my lunch break and heat up a Trader Joe's frozen meal, which I eat with a granola bar and some overripe strawberries. I put out a request for the book my book club is reading into the Buy Nothing Facebook group and get a response. I also see that my Spotify charge went through for the month. (11.59)
5:05 PM - FREEDOM!! I play a game of bus roulette and hope it gets me home the fastest ($2.00, prepaid). I call my Dad on the walk home from the bus stop and we talk about his golf leagues, since they're starting soon. Eat some leftovers for dinner.
7:00 PM - My roommate L. and I head to a trivia night at a local bar with a group I had put together of mostly strangers. It went alright and we take fifth place! L. orders some fries that we share. I end up paying $5 to help cover some of the large group gratuity. Organizing these is a mixed bag but it's a good way to meet people. ($5.00)
10:15 PM - We walk home with N., a mutual friend, and mourn the loss of Foxtrot with some other people who are also walking past it. The store is still fully stocked, which I find surprising. Make it home and buy some new Veja sneakers. This was a planned purchase, as my pair from college has a tear in the sole. I was unfortunately reminded of this when it rained and my sock became soaking wet on the way to work ($174.90).
10:45 PM - Brush my teeth, shower, and do skincare. Then I settle in and read Midnight Sun. I'm making L. watch them all for the first time and was craving a reread. I'm trying out a tandem read of this and Twilight. Lights out at 11:45.
Total Spent: $191.49
Day 2
7:00 AM - Snooze for 20 minutes and then stay in bed for another 20... whoops. Eat some cereal and get ready for the day.
8:30 AM - Get to the bus stop and text my parents about some of the trivia questions from last night. My dad does trivia as well so it's fun to share the weird ones. Hop on the bus and go to work, where I make some tea. ($2.00, prepaid)
11:30 AM - Spend two hours printing things (no one comes in usually on Thursdays, so it's just me) and have been passing the time with podcasts. A deadline we have been waiting on gets announced, so it's full steam ahead with sending many, many emails. I'm glad I was in office since then I have a second monitor.
12:45 PM - Leave the office and take the bus home. ($2.00, prepaid) I am starving because I normally take my lunch at 12. Eat some leftovers for lunch, which is a sheet pan meal with kielbasa, yellow potatoes, and green beans. The green beans got kinda dried out(??) so I eat around those. Watch some How I Met Your Mother and eat some frozen cookie dough.
3:30 PM - Spend the afternoon monitoring email and attending a meeting . Put in a load of laundry. Start writing this money diary. I message the person about borrowing the book and they drop it off.
5:00 PM - Sign off and catch up on Abbott Elementary. Make a caesar salad wrap with bagged salad and chicken nuggets.
6:45 PM - L. and I meet up with our friend, V. to go see Challengers! It's nice to see her and we talk about trips we've either been on or will be on soon. At the metro stop we also run into a friend getting off the train while we wait for ours. We metro there, meet a different friend, and head in. ($2.00, prepaid). The movie is already playing, which is shocking. There's always been like 30 minutes of commercials, so we hurry in to not miss any more.
9:30 PM - I enjoyed it! It was a little tamer than I expected, but I still gave it 4.5 stars. Metro home. ($2.00, prepaid)
10:30 PM - Shower, skincare, in bed reading Midnight Sun.
Total Spent: $0
Day 3
7:00 AM - Wake up, get ready, L. and I head out to go on a walk with N. and some other people from the neighborhood. We do a loop and on the way home I meet a very sweet cat that I get to pet. I miss my cat at home so much and want to adopt one, but it's just not in the budget right now :(
8:45 AM - Back from the walk and make a bowl of cereal and a cup of tea. I use my kettle like a civilized person. L. and I buy tickets for Sunday to see another movie, the Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare. ($0.53)
10:30 AM - Nothing too crazy at work today. Troll LinkedIn and try not to feel behind in life as people a year behind me share their job offers. I only started working a non-intern role in January so it's hard to not compare. Futz around with my budget. I've truly become a YNAB convert in the last few months and love the content they put out. I also buy another filter for my air purifier and put it on my credit card. DC allergy season is no joke. (24.79)
12:00 PM - Take my lunch. Chicken caesar wrap, granola bar, and blueberries. I take some chicken out to defrost in the fridge and watch some more HIMYM. I get the newest Chloe Liese book on Libby, so I start reading that.
4:30 PM - I keep on getting ahead of myself. Work did pick up and I get (mostly) sucked in. Spent a lot of time pondering the doctors who become members of congress. And also what dessert I want. Dinner is the same sheet pan meal.
5:30 PM - Get ready for my second job and head there. I'm still fairly new but everyone has been nice so far and it gives me a reason to get out of the house and meet new people. Plus the extra money is certainly a plus. Having this debt hanging over me does make me anxious at times but I have a plan and I just need to realize it can't all be paid off at once. At least, not with the way I am currently being paid...
10:30 PM - Home again, home again. I spend a lot of time reading the new Chloe Liese book and stay up a little too late.
Total Spent: $25.32
Day 4
7:50 AM: Wake up and scroll on my phone for like an hour. Nothing much of note.
9:30 AM: L. & I head to the grocery store. I've become a Saturday morning grocery shop evangelist. It's great! Every other time we go it's packed but right now it isn't. I get ground beef, breakfast sausage, cheddar cheese, two caesar salad kits, limes, tomatoes, cheese ravioli, honey, jalapenos, honeycrisp apples, avocados, garlic, zuchinni, and tortilla chips. ($45.17)
10:00 AM: Head to Target. Here I get crushed tomatoes, chipotle peppers in adobo, an onion, some bananas, and dental floss. I also use my circle rewards to get like four dollars off. (10.14)
10:45 AM: Unload groceries, log my purchases into YNAB, and eat some breakfast. I probably shouldn't go grocery shopping hungry every week but I also like to sleep in. Oh well. I also make myself a chai latte (although I never froth the milk, so does it count??)
12:30 PM: L. and I take the metro to some bookstores for Independent Bookstore Day **($2.00, prepaid)**. There's a book crawl going on and you get a prize if you go to five of them. We head to the first one and I don't purchase anything. At the second store, I buy a paperback copy of Anne of Avonlea. (4.24) We metro back home. ($2.00, prepaid)
2:00 PM: We head to bookstores three, four, and five, but they didn't give us the promised prize at the fifth stop. But we both got a book, so I still think it was pretty successful. We walk home and I make some lunch while watching HIMYM.
4:30 PM: Library run! I get some cookbooks, a book called Bullshit Jobs I've seen my dad read, and a book on investing. Will I actually read all of these? Who knows. I feel like my library hauls have become increasingly aspirational. I then spend over an hour on TikTok.
6:30 PM: I start working on making dinner, which is the NYT chipotle honey chicken slow cooker tacos. The chicken didn't even defrost, which is lame, but that's how it goes sometimes! Chicken is in the oven, so I unload the dishwasher. I also make some guacamole for the tacos.
9:00 PM: The chicken finally finished cooking, so I shred it and finish the recipe. Sit down and eat a taco. L. put on the White House Correspondents' Dinner around 7:00, so I've been watching on and off. Clean up the kitchen while watching.
11:30 PM: Shower, skincare, bed! Lights out around 1:00 AM.
Total Spent: $59.55
Day 5
8:00 AM: Alarm goes off. Scroll twitter and reddit for 20 minutes. I get up and make a breakfast casserole. While that's in the oven, I put laundry in and do some dishes. I also make some snack bites, which are oats, honey, peanut butter, cinnamon, chia seeds, flax seeds, and mini chocolate chips.
10:00 AM: I eat the casserole and put the leftovers away. Get ready and we head to the movie. ($2.00, prepaid)
1:30 PM: Movie is finished. I really enjoyed it! We metro home. ($2.00, prepaid) I wash my comforter and make lunch. I also pay my rent early since we've been charged for it. ($1,250.00)
3:30 PM: Had a quick spiral because I finally try on the shoes I ordered and they feel too big. I'm confused since I ordered the same shoe in the same size as I had previously. This, compounded with other small things, has been incredibly annoying. I call my parents to vent and go to order a smaller pair to try on, but then realize while trying on my old pair that that's just how they fit. Sigh. I cancel the order, do more laundry, and mop the common area of our apartment.
5:30 PM: Eat a snack since I had a late lunch and head to work. It's pretty busy tonight with the nicer weather, but at least it keeps me busy for the next couple hours. By the time my shift is over, I am a lot less annoyed, albeit a lot sweatier.
10:30 PM: I get home, shower, finally make up my bed, and make a big to do list of stuff I want to get done around the house this week before I leave for the work event at the end of next week. Read some Midnight Sun and lights out around 11:45.
Total Spent: $1,250.00
Day 6
8:15 AM: Finally emerging from my room to heat up some breakfast casserole and make a cup of tea. I put away some laundry that's been sitting on a chair, and start a load of kitchen towels. (I promise I do things aside from laundry!!) Time to get ready for the day and log on.
10:30 AM: I have some meetings and I decide to go into the office since some of the materials I printed earlier needed to be edited.
12:00 PM: Make lunch, which is another chicken caesar wrap, blueberries, and snack bites. I take the bus into the office. ($2.00, prepaid)
2:30 PM: I end up fighting the printer for 10 minutes to fix a paper jam and an unexpected shutdown. By the end of the day, my brain is mush. It's a lot of materials to keep track of, even if they are written down. I also finish my work for some of our advocacy outreach.
4:50 PM: I send my last daily email and head out. I bus home and make plans to facetime with a friend R. ($2.00, prepaid) I write more of the money diary and zone out on TikTok.
6:30 PM: I make some nachos using the chicken I made a few days ago. It was surprisingly easy and high-reward. Slay. R. and I facetime for a while and discuss my upcoming trip to go visit her. I'm super excited! We also talk about Twilight (aka I spout lore from the Illustrated Guide and Midnight Sun at her).
9:30 PM: I take out the dress I want to wear tomorrow, only to discover a hole in the back. I just got this two weekends ago so I'm pretty bummed it's ripped before I've had a chance to wear it. I text my mom to see if she has any suggestions on how to fix it. Shower, and then skincare while searching Reddit for advice.
11:30 PM: You know the drill! Midnight Sun time and then lights out.
Total Spent: $0
Day 7
7:15 AM: Payday! I heat up casserole and head to my laptop to work on my budget. It's definitely going to be a heavy spending month with two vacations, so I try to adjust my categories accordingly. Get ready for the day and off to the bus. ($2.00, prepaid)
9:00 AM: Log in. Nothing too crazy today.
12:00 PM: I take my lunch and have another Trader Joe's frozen meal. Sue me! I also some some blueberries, yogurt, and snack bites. Scroll tiktok and pay my credit card bill.
5:00 PM: Pack up for the day and head out. I feel like I made a lot of progress in my to do list, which is a great feeling. Hop on the bus home and have my day ruined by seeing the new Girlfriend Collective colors. They're so... blah. Commiserate with L. about life via text. (2.00, prepaid)
6:00 PM: Schedule a payment for my student loans that will go through with the new month. Make some more nachos and scroll tiktok again.
7:15 PM: I try to check my retirement account to reconcile for the end of the month, but it won't let me log in. Huh. I do what I can and plan to do my monthly reflection in a few days once everything from April has come through. I started getting into personal finance this year after starting my first full time job and it's been so useful.
8:45 PM: Clean the bathroom and do some dusting in my room, along with vacuuming. Start on my book for book club tomorrow. (It's short, okay?)
11:15 PM: The usual night routine. I finish the book and I'm not completely sure what to think. It's not my usual read. Fall asleep watching a video about Anyone But You.
Total Spent: $0

Daily Expenses

Food + Drink: $55.31
Fun / Entertainment: $5.53
Home + Health: $1,274.79
Clothes + Beauty: $174.90
Transport: $0
Other: $15.83

Reflection

I feel like this was a fairly average week of spending. I really do feel that having a budget has given me a much better sense of control when it comes to my finances, so even the more unusual purchases this week, like the shoes and air filter, were accounted for. I definitely wish I could eat out more and have more "frivolous" spending, but that's just not really possible with the amount of money I make. Maybe in the future, but not for the time being.

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Welcome back to this write-up about a complicated artist's complicated book.
Don't be absurd, of course you have time!
Part 1 Part 2
Now that we've established what the book is about, let's take a look at The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls' rich publication and re-publication history. I promise, it's more scandalous than it sounds.

“HER SPEECH IS NOTHING, YET THE UNSHAPÈD USE OF IT DOTH MOVE THE HEARERS TO COLLECTION” (HORATIO, ACT IV SCENE 5)

As I've mentioned in the last installment, TAFWVG has been released multiple times, in multiple editions – four of them, to be precise. And I wish I was exaggerating when I say that three of those four releases have been veritable masterclasses in testing your audience's loyalty. In case you're wondering: the secret is to alter your source material in strange and unpredictable ways, while also constantly messing up on the customer service front.
Most of this installment condenses and combines these two excellent write-ups, which contain most of the receipts: TAFWVG: A History / The Bloody Crumpets: An Inconsistent History. 🔍 Anything that isn't sourced with links is in there.
It turns out there are good reasons why most fiction authors don't do real-life inserts so overtly – but in EA's case, it did make sense, and was warmly embraced by fans upon release. When the book first came out, some of these people had been familiar to the fanbase for years, frequently appearing in candid pictures on EA's blog and leaving comments on the forum; some were also involved in her music and show. Recognizing that one character's name was a pun on So-and-So's username was a nice Easter egg for veteran fans, and newcomers got to learn about fandom lore; it brought the story to life and the community closer.
One side character, for instance, was named after EA's best friend from Chicago, whom many fans had had direct interactions with: she co-ran EA's online stores during the Enchant years, and acted as admin, main moderator and EA-liaison of the forum throughout its near-decade of existence.
One crazy girl who thinks she's a pirate is 100% OC... but her description and illustrations 🪞 were explicitly modeled after pictures of Bloody Crumpet Vecona (one of EA's back-up performers), who became the first stand-in pirate character 📺 in the live show. Captain Vecona was also celebrated as the “Asylum Seamstress” 🪞🔍: most of the iconic early Opheliac costumes were her design. She had a following of her own, even prior to touring with EA, for her professional costuming work and her collaborations with German photographer Angst-im-Wald. (Shitty archive link, sorry - most of those badass photoshoots seem to have been lost to time. But if you were a European goth in the mid-2000s, search your old hard drives: I promise you, you've downloaded some of those pictures.)
Inmate “Veronica”, a cabaret girl diagnosed as a nymphomaniac, was a doppelgänger of her namesake, burlesque dancer Veronica Varlow 🪞 – the ride-or-die Crumpet, whom EA often lovingly called her “husband”, saying they had been lovers in a previous lifetime. Veronica was part of every single tour post-Opheliac release and developed a solid fanbase of her own, which she maintains to this day.
Even the brave and well-mannered talking rats (oh yeah, there's talking rats in the Asylum story) were named after EA's real-life pet rodents, who had featured in glamorous photoshoots. (Slight NSFW for sideboob.)
You get the general gimmick by now: EA turns her personal life into art, which she turns into a fictional world, which she then prompts the audience to inhabit with her. The whole Asylum concept was essentially an open invitation to self-insert parasocial fanfic: “Here's this very personal world that I've created, in which I, the artist, exist as a fictional persona, alongside all these quirky inmate characters that you've seen in my stage show, and who are avatars my real-life friends. Come on in, make it your home, and populate it with your own zany Victorian alter egos.”
And it worked, to an extent: like I've said, most fans were on board before they'd even read the book, and the Asylum became “real” in that sense.
But it can get a bit disorienting to find your place in a fantasy world, when said world keeps changing based on the author's shifting feelings about her story, her target audience, and her friends... plus, you'd love to read the book, but the darn thing still hasn't shipped.

ROUNDS 1 & 2: THE HARDCOVERS

~A MINOR ADJUSTMENT~
TAFWVG was first teased in spoken-word bonus tracks 🎤 on a 2007 EP. In spring 2008, EA started reading excerpts from her upcoming book at live shows. Early excerpts from the Asylum narrative featured a character named “Jo Hee” 📺; in the story, she is a cellist from “the Orient” (love that Victorian geography) and Emily's childhood confidante.
In real life, Lady Jo Hee, Center of Happiness, was the OG Bloody Crumpet. 📺 She had been there since from the very first Opheliac show in Chicago in 2006, accompanying EA on the electric cello – the only instrumentalist ever featured in the line-up besides EA herself.
In August 2008, Alternative Magazine ran a feature about the upcoming book.🔍, teasing some of its pages. Fans were quick to spot a very sisterly picture of EA and Jo Hee 🪞, borrowed from a fan-favorite photoshoot of the two. (An aside: this specific picture also became famous in the fandom for another reason. At some point, someone made an edit replacing Jo Hee with Amy Lee from Evanescence; for a while, it kept making the rounds in alt/goth internet circuits, casual onlookers kept getting excited about it, and Plague Rats kept having to step in and disappoint them.)
Anyway. For reasons undisclosed by either party, Jo Hee quietly left the Crumpets after that tour, never to be mentioned again.
By the time the book came out in late 2009, the character of “Jo Hee” had been renamed “Sachiko”. (I guess it didn't matter whether the one non-white character in the story was meant to be Korean or Japanese.) Jo Hee's face had been edited out of the (still clearly recognizable) photograph, and eerily replaced with Nondescript_Asian_Woman_023.jpg from Shutterstock.🪞
You'd think that the switcheroo would have raised more eyebrows, or at least some awkward chuckles, among fans of an artist whose better-known lyrics include “If I Photoshop you out of every picture, I could / Go quietly, quiet - but would that do any good?”. Yet to my knowledge, it did not. Possibly because, by the time people got around to reading the book, some fans had been waiting for their copy longer than Jo Hee had been a Crumpet.
A ROCKY RELEASE
Although the book seemed just about ready for publication at the time of those 2008 readings, the initial release was delayed by technical difficulties (some data had been lost during the editing process). And then delayed some more when, a year later, EA cancelled the US leg of a tour and slammed the door on Trisol, accusing the label owner of exploitation and embezzlement (he was allegedly selling fake tickets to her shows on a phony website). In August 2009, she signed over to The End Records, and we were back in business, baby!
Not only was The Book on its way to the presses, but the long-awaited release would coincide with a “Deluxe” re-issue of Opheliac, with new cover art and bonus tracks. For $100, you could pre-order the “Ultimate Book/Album Collection”, which included the revamped album, the book, a t-shirt, a tote bag, a recipe booklet and some bonus digital downloads, to be shipped in October. Or, for a more up-close-and-personal experience, you could purchase a VIP bundle for her upcoming shows in the fall: $50 plus ticket price would get you the book, a swag bag, and a meet-and-greet. (VIP tickets were capped at 20 slots per show; from what I gather, informal interactions with fans at the merch table were becoming overwhelming on previous tours. Again: fast-growing audience.)
Alas, due to printing issues this time, the making and shipping were soon pushed back to December. VIP ticket-holders were assured, at the start of the tour, that their copies would be shipped first as soon as the books were printed, with handwritten dedications from EA. Purchasers of the “Book/Album” bundle would receive theirs shortly thereafter. This seemed like a reasonable trade-off for a minor delay, and no one was too upset. (Well, some might have been, but at that juncture in Asylum history – for reasons that will become apparent in a later installment, when we get to EA's altercations with her fans – I guess they knew better than to get mouthy about it.)
The bundles came first... and in many cases, “bundle” was a generous term, because they arrived incomplete. When the t-shirt or tote bag weren't missing, they were printed the wrong colors. Many digital download codes had to be requested via email. The book itself was beautiful, but poorly bound, typo-ridden, and missing entire pages. (This was largely fixed in the second hardcover release.)
As far as I know, everyone who complained to the distributor got their money back – and I imagine it was a nice surprise when some items showed up, inexplicably, months after they had already been refunded. But it was still a bit of a “sad trombone” moment for many loyal fans, who had to request a refund on the Ultimate Super-Cool Preorder Exclusive Bundle to purchase the book and album separately.
As for the VIP package books, those didn't start shipping until late 2010 – a whole year after the official book release, months after less invested fans had already received their non-preordered copies. Worse: none of the books were signed, much less lovingly adorned with a personalized handwritten note as EA had promised. (And had tweeted about doing during the year-long shipping delay!) After enough fans meekly expressed their intense disappointment, EA's BFF-forum-admin mailed out signed bookplates that people could stick in their book in lieu of a personalized autograph. No real explanation was given. As far as I know, this particular let-down didn't cause a mass exodus of disappointed fans – but, in the midst of other goings-on, it certainly contributed to eroding many fans' trust in EA's word.
EA TAKES ON HOLLYWOOD
The 2011 release of the largely-identical second edition was better planned and overall uneventful, which gives me time to catch you up on contemporaneous events – like the reason EA ditched the Opheliac red and went platinum blonde. 🪞
Around that time, EA got herself a supporting role and a solo number 🎵📺 in The Devil's Carnival, Darren Lynn Bousman's psychocircus-themed movie musical. (If you're scrambling to place the name: depending on what kind of deviant you are, DLB is either the guy who directed half of the Saw movies or the guy who directed Repo! The Genetic Opera.)
If you've clicked the last link: see the bad boy greaser she's dancing with at the end of the song? That's the titular “Scorpion”, played by Marc Senter, and they were totally hitting on each other while shooting this. 📝🪞 They've been an item for twelve years now, in what appears to be a loving and mutually supportive relationship, and they seem besotted with each other. That's only marginally relevant to the story, but it's nice to know that at least one nice thing worked out in all this mess.
Back to 2011. Through her friendship with DLB and the Devil's Carnival cast (a motley crew of top-shelf B-listers 🔍 that included Bill Moseley, Paul Sorvino, the chick from Spy Kids, and the clown from Slipknot), EA also made a bunch of new industry connexions. That's how she came to decide that TAFWVG was meant to be more than a book, more than a live show: it had to become... a musical. Full company, full orchestra, big names, the works. Her 2012 album, Fight Like a Girl, was written and recorded with this project in mind, with most songs narrating events from the book and EA singing as various characters – which turns love duets into finger food for Dr. Freud. 🎵
Shortly before the album release, EA announced on Twitter that the Asylum Musical was scheduled to debut in the London West End, under the direction of Bousman, in 2014. "Casting calls to be announced soon!" (They were not.)

ROUND 3: THE AUDIOBOOK

2014 came, and brought... another TAFWG re-release announcement.
But wait – this time, it was going to be an audiobook! EA had been teasing one since before the original release, so people were quite excited. (It also sounded like a more achievable goal for the calendar year than a West End debut.) In early 2014, recording was well on its way, and the 6-CD boxset was due to ship in May.
PLEASE STAND BY, YOUR ASYLUM WILL BE PROCESSED SHORTLY
First, EA discovered “a new microphone ... that, upon testing, produced a recording of far greater beauty and expressive quality”, which naturally meant the whole thing had to be re-recorded. Two month's delay. No biggie. Our girl is a perfectionist.
But our girl also had to write, coordinate and rehearse her upcoming “Asylum Experience” – an afternoon-long interactive theater event, directed by Darren Lynn Bousman, which would be performed at five dates of the Vans Warped Tour in August. (It's not exactly the West End, but it's a start! 🔍) And then she had to prepare for the filming of the Devil's Carnival sequel in the fall. So, obviously, the July deadline was not met. When she finally gave an update in late 2014, the ETA was basically “we are ever so close, but the audiobook gets there when it gets there; feel free to ask for a refund if you're not along for the ride”.
And then she signed with a literary agent. TAFWVG was going to be made into a “real” book, that readers could purchase in stores for a normal price and request from their local library – big event! (More for EA, I think, than for her fans. By that point, the second edition could be purchased as a PDF, and I believe most people who pre-ordered the audiobook had already read the story.) But this involved tailoring the narrative to a more general audience, which meant portions of the book had to be re-written... which meant further delays.

...Besides, and let’s have a teacup of “honesty time” here, if the new Asylum becomes an internationally best-selling novel, not only can we enact more change for good, but the Asylum Musical takes over Broadway faster, the Asylum Movie takes over theatres faster, and YOU are all dressed up as rats/inmates in said movie, you guessed it, faster (“Asylum Audiobook Announcement from EA”📝)

Well, you know what they say in show business: if you can't make it in London, there's always New York.
As EA assured her fans, their patience would be rewarded with a brand new, professionally polished version of the story – and in due time, I guess, a role in the movie. (“Let's hope she doesn't find another new microphone!” 🐀)
From that point on, there seems to have been an ever-widening gap between EA's enthusiasm and fan expectations. When audiobook snippets 🎤.mp3) were released, many fans were unimpressed by the oddly flat, overproduced recording (turns out a microphone can be so good it's a problem! 🐀), which highlighted EA's stilted, uncanny diction and not-quite-transatlantic accent. That caught everyone off guard, because she didn't use to read like... that. Even die-hard apologists had to concede through gritted teeth that, tragically, it was giving William Shatner. (If you're curious, you can find more previews here 🎤📝, along with EA's captions.)
Fans weren't just getting irritated with the various delays and excuses: they were baffled, angry, and embarrassed. When EA clapped back “U know U can just get a refund, right? That is totally within your power to do” on social media, and it came out that requests for refunds had been getting ignored for weeks or months 🐀, seasoned fans were like “Yeah, that tracks.” The whole never-ending ordeal was just starting to feel silly.
All told, the audiobook took two years to complete, with little to no new music in the interim. Two years is a long time for a young-leaning audience! Fans who had preordered at the end of their sophomore year were graduating high school by the time it came out. Others who had been in the middle of undergrad were now looking for full-time jobs. People had gotten pregnant, given birth and potty trained, or had houses built from the ground up. Genuine ultra-fans of the book had had time to... presumably, read other books. (“I wonder how many people passed away waiting for this shitty audiobook to be finished?”)
When the audiobook came out, many long-time Plague Rats had defected, either lamenting the misguided decisions of their favorite artist, or just calling EA a money-grabbing fraud and a lying liar. And a number of patient and unbothered fans had, quite simply, grown out of their EA phase.
Your humble servant, for one, ordered the audiobook the week it went on sale, and stuck with that preorder through five address changes and two graduation ceremonies. Now, bear in mind: through all the ups and downs, even as the charm dispelled, my taste in music evolved, and my perception of EA herself changed, I never formally stopped considering myself a fan. (Mama didn't raise no quitter.) To this day, and to my profound embarrassment, I give enough of a shit that I'm taking the time to write this story at all, and that I was able to draft most of itfrom memory.(Mama didn't teach me how to prioritize.) Well, get this: I have never once listened to the audiobook. I remember unwrapping the signed boxset (minimal artwork, flimsy cardboard, no liner notes), thinking “this could have been an email”, telling myself I'd get around to it for old time's sake... and then I never did, because it was ten hours long, and I just couldn't force myself to care about that story anymore. I was not an isolated case.
In light of this, I apologize in advance for any potential errors in the following paragraphs; others listened so posers like me wouldn't have to 🔍, and I'm going off of their word. The new and improved edition was, indeed, a different book – in that a bunch of things that felt meaningful to fans had been either reworked or excised.
THE AUDIOBOOK EDITS
The hospital narrative had been shortened in favor of the asylum story, and the controversial “Drug / Suicide / Cutting” diaries had been scrapped. Part of the fanbase applauded this decision, but others were disappointed 🐀, as they had found the diaries to be the most (some said only) personal, authentic, and insightful chapters in the book.
Curse words, some abuse, and all mentions of abortion had also been purged. It made the book tamer, but not by much... because Emilie's age had been changed from 27 to 17. Apparently, the literary agent had suggested this to make the book more marketable to a Young Adult audience. No other biographical detail had been altered, so the main narrator was now a 17 year old girl with no parents but an established music career, who checks in by herself into a high-security adult ward, no questions asked. (I'm still perplexed by this one. Did they not expect YA readers to know how hospitals work...?)
The pirate captain, formally known by her “mass of tangled black hair”, was now... a blonde. According to EA, this was a purely aesthetic change: it made the three main Asylum girls a redhead, a blonde and a brunette, which would look better in the stage adaptation. Between the lines, it also distanced the character from its original dark-haired muse: Vecona, who had left the Crumpets in 2008 after a rumored falling-out with EA over unpaid costume work.
The minor characters based on EA's old Chicago friends had been discarded entirely. Which likely made sense for EA – she hadn't lived there in years, the friend group had drifted apart as friend groups do, and by that point, there no longer was an EA forum to administrate or comment on – but not so much for her readers. Some fans had grown fond of these fictional inmates (wasn't that the point?), and weren't too happy to see EA symbolically treat them as disposable. Others were saddened that EA would just scrap these remnants of her old life, and of what felt like simpler, happier times in the fandom. Either way, children, this is why you shouldn't get a neck tattoo of your first boyfriend's name, OR openly base the “good guys” in your career-defining book on friends you made in your early twenties.
To compensate for the loss of... most named inmate characters, Veronica was given a much more prominent role in the plot. Namely, instead of being best friends, Veronica and Emily were now... in love! Lovers! Lesbian lovers! Which naturally meant that Veronica had to die. 🔍 Besides, fans famously love it when you pull a gay ship out of thin air between your two main characters, and then kill one of them off so that the other suffers more.
One last one, because I find it especially goofy: a scrappy teddy bear named Suffer, given to Emily by the talking rats, was replaced with...a Very Large Spoon, which gets its very own number in the musical. 🎵 The rationale was that Emily could use the spoon as a weapon in the climactic uprising against the Asylum doctors. Which, fair enough... except that, prior to being a cute and anachronistic 🔍 MacGuffin in the fictional Asylum story, Suffer the Bear had been a beloved mascot🪞 from the early Opheliac live shows. Some still remembered when EA had raised HELL, even starting a #FREESUFFER campaign on Twitter, because she thought someone had stolen Suffer from the stage (it later turned out that he had been misplaced in a flight case). All that noise back in the day... and now Suffer didn't matter anymore? The nerve. “She made shirts and everything!” 🐀
All this to say, reception was lukewarm. EA hadn't performed live since 2014 and the Devil's Carnival sequel had failed to make a splash (despite decent reviews, the franchise and main collaboration fell apart before the end of the promotional tour 🔍). People were checking out. There was only one way to correct this. A true paradigm shift. A fresh start – a new theme?
Hell no. It's another edition of The Asylum for Revisionist Tortureporn Friendfictions!

ROUND 4: THE E-BOOK & THE QUEST FOR THE SPOON OF ROYALS

In 2017, about a year after the audiobook release, EA self-published a digital version of TAFWVG through Amazon. The literary agent hadn't worked out in the end: publishers were put off by how dark the book was, even after the audiobook edits. EA explained that she hadn't been comfortable with some of the alterations in the first place; she respected the agent's input and had tried to give it an honest shot, but in the end, she wanted to do it the way she wanted to do it, solo... and this was it.
EA had reverted a number of the audiobook cuts (including swear words, mentions of abortion, and the narrator's age), but kept most of the changes to the Asylum narrative – namely, the omission of Former Friends Characters, and the romance between Emily and Veronica. In the newsletter announcement, she mentions being in the process of “re-recording the few little bits of the audiobook to reflect the current text version”. Not sure where we're at on that front; it's never been brought up again, and I don't think anyone's checked. (I assume most fans had war flashbacks when they read the word “re-record”, and instantly repressed that part of the communiqué.)
The “Drug / Suicide / Cutting” diaries were still omitted in the first release of the e-book, but re-included as a coda soon after, by popular demand, under the title “Evidence of Insanity” – with fantastical “doctor's annotations” like“W14A seems to have disassociated her own identity, episodic, each lasting for a longer period of time. We suspect she will continue further in this – stronger medication is needed, schedule electroconvulsive therapy.”
A physical paperback edition was released a few months later; in anticipation of this, the e-book was a stripped-down, text-centric version of the story. (Honestly not a bad call, because the digital version from 2012 was a scanned, non-searchable, 1.3GB PDF behemoth – not super Kindle-friendly!) No elaborate backgrounds and color photographs in this edition, but the pages were still illustrated with inserts of rats, keys, teacups, and... hold on... ciphers??🪞
As always in the Asylum, history doesn't repeat itself, but it rhymes. In a throwback to the prelapsarian days of the Enchant Puzzle (remember? the one that no one ever managed to solve?), the e-book illustrations contained puzzles, which formed the master-key to... a scavenger hunt! And in keeping with tradition, the grand prize was an extravagant adornment hand-crafted by EA: the “Spoon of Royals”.🪞📝 Oh my!
Some of the puzzles are simple anagrams that can be solved for keywords. A clickable word within the adjacent text takes you to a password-protected link, which takes you through to an audio file – a song or an atmospheric instrumental that goes with that moment of the story. There are also more complex ciphers that decode into riddles. Each key depicted in the book has a number or letter engraved on it. The total number of rats in the book is apparently significant. One link takes you through to a blank page whose source code contains a list of coordinates from various bridges around the world.
Oh, it was a whole thing. When the book came out, you could send a picture of you doing EA's signature “rat claw” hand sign🪞 to request admission to a private Facebook group (the “Striped Stocking Society”) where people could help each other solve the clues and EA would occasionally pop in for a chat. There was also a series of mysterious newsletters in early 2018, culminating in a Los Angeles event where EA showed up in person to pass on extra puzzle-solving material to a handful of lucky fans (although said material raised more questions that it answered 📝).
Overall, it was a great idea! Although the fanbase was generally smaller and less active after four years without a new tour or album (and a fair amount of other drama, which we have yet to get into), the e-book puzzle did pique people's interest in purchasing yet another version of the same story.
Unfortunately, once again, EA overestimated either how intuitive her fans were, or how invested they would remain. After months of collaborative efforts across multiple platforms, a number of puzzles had been cracked 🔍, but it was still unclear how the individual anagrams and numbers and riddle-solutions all fit together as scavenger hunt clues.
EA kept up the hype for a while, but the few hints that she gave on social media only revealed yet more encryption factors without really helping fans connect the dots. One cipher remained unsolved on Instagram for days and days before EA caved in and hinted at which key to use. She did helpfully specify that if you didn't know how to read music, you'd better start learning. (...Was this a fun puzzle, or a prep school admission test?) The in-person LA event had also sown some confusion as to the rules and constraints of the game: would winning involve traveling to a physical location? That didn't seem very fair. EA had mentioned physically burying some items – but could you solve the puzzle from a distance? Is the Spoon of Royals literally just buried under the Shakespeare Bridge in Los Angeles, California?? 🐀
I'm just saying: if this had come up in 2008? People in corsets and platform boots would have been out there digging.
But this was 2018. As we've mentioned, the core of EA's active fanbase (a lot of whom had been teens and young adults when she was touring Opheliac) was fast aging out of the years when most folks have the spare time, dedication, or desire to essentially do super-involved homework out of love for their favorite singer. Uncovering new songs was a fun perk the first year – but after the new album came out in 2018, none of the passwords led to exclusive material anymore. It felt a bit lacklustre for something so labor-intensive.
(The new music itself wasn't a rallying point either. Behind the Musical was, quite literally, an intended vocal guide for the Asylum musical – so, basically a collection of demos. The sound was VERY Broadway Revival, somewhat Phantomish 🎵, in a way that's either good or bad depending on who's saying it. The violins, to fans' chagrin, sounded all-MIDI; no sign of actual instrumental recordings. EA sang all the parts herself, as she had on her previous album. I'm not saying there's no merit in a one-woman Andrew Lloyd Weber tribute. Many old fans enjoyed the new material well enough, some even really liked it – but most agreed that it just didn't hit like her earlier stuff used to, and that it felt rather unfinished.)
Unlike with the Enchant Puzzle, the prize itself was not much of an intrinsic motivation. While the Faerie Queen's Wings were a straightforward concept that evoked EA's own signature stage costumes, the Spoon of Royals was... a large spoon attached to a necklace, community-college-art-teacher style. It looked impractical both as a spoon and as a necklace, and more importantly, I'm not sure how many readers felt a deep emotional connection to the spoon in the story. The spoon that had usurped Suffer the Bear, no less!
In short: people gave up on the game because it was too hard, it came too late, and they had other things to do.
Thus, the Spoon of Royals remains unclaimed to this day, and I doubt I'll see anyone crack the puzzle in this lifetime. The Striped Stocking Society FB group was terminated in 2020, around the same time a bunch of fansites folded and EA closed her Instagram comments for the first time. By that point, both EA and her fans had bigger rats to skewer – but we have a ways to go before we reach that part of the story.
I would encourage you to give the puzzle a shot for the hell of it (in case you're a cryptography nerd and currently under house arrest or in a full-body cast) but... I just tried a bunch of the links, and the passwords don't work anymore. So I guess that's that. To quote old Bill by way of conclusion: “Much ado about nothing”.

ROUND TOO-MANY: I'LL SEE YOU ON BROADWAY OR I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL

So, what now? Well, not much.
By the late 2010s, what kept many fans semi-invested – if nothing else, because it clearly meant so much to EA herself – was the prospect of an upcoming stage musical adaptation. The way EA talked about it 📺, it was very much a “when”, not an “if”. Sure, ten years on, we were still collectively stuck in the Asylum, but it would at least be a new format – and a return to EA's main field of expertise, ie songwriting and performing. Not only did the core fanbase long for new music and new shows, but Fight Like a Girl and Behind the Musical had brought in small influxes of new fans who were very eager for any chance to see her live. So whether it was out of genuine enthusiasm for the project, or out of “let EA have her musical so we can maybe finally move on”, the fanbase was overall supportive.
Even though people still joked about the 2012 announcement of a “2014 West End debut” (seriously, what was she thinking?), EA had really buckled down in the intervening years, and it looked like the project was plausibly well underway. As in, we had more than just EA's word to go on: the involvement of other people, who did not reside in the Asylum, seemed to confirm that the musical was a thing.

[CONTINUED IN COMMENTS because Reddit is being ridiculous about the character count. I swear I was under 40,000!]

If you're reading this, this is part 3. The conclusion, the end of the beginning. If you haven't read parts 1 or 2, you should read both so you know what exactly is going on here. Also, there will be a pt 4 because of character limitations. My husband's job has been hard on him and it's been hard on me and it's been hard on us. Things may be better today, as of this writing, but at that point it was at it's worst. Bar none. He had gone on trips internationally before, but not often. When he did, he still wasn't gone for as long as this extended SERIES of conferences and meetings he was dealing with. So here's the deal, around the time I looked out the window for the first time, my husband had just left for that "job" or whatever you want to call it ( I can't say "a mandatory and vital series of meetings" every time). He was going to be coming back for ONE WEEK the weekend after I did work on the property with Joe and Bran and friends, then he was going back for another TWO MONTHS. The worst part is there was a window where could have briefly come back again, but out of convenience, decided not to. That means my husband, just for that job assignment alone, was taken from me for three months. 1/4 of a year. NOT counting everything else in the previous year. Much less the previous ten years... All the same, I was furious. We did fight about it, but not much. There was alot we should have said to each other and done differently that we didn't. All the same he didn't often call. He didn't always answer my calls. When we talked he was brief. I was so so upset. I'm going to have to write an entire dealy (publication?) About my husband, his virtues and his faults. All I can say is while I won't tell you yet what's changed, thank God things are better. Now that I have that little bit out of the way, I have something else to say. In that month, as previously stated, I had developed a real bond with Joe and Bran and even Brandon's friends. Brandon wanted to study psychology. It was because of his aunt, who was bipolar and his grandmother, who had dementia. He wanted to just generally study that field so he could learn to help with those issues. He's real sweet and good natured. He also looks up to Joe, very clearly, just as the boys look up to Brandon. Joe's a walking book of random knowledge. He's always active and doing something. Obviously a personal trainer, he also meditates and reads a lot of philosophy. He also plays his guitar like Eddie van Halen or something and it's kinda hot. He's a sweet guy as well: like I said, always volunteering and helping somehow. Josh comes from a family of cops and sportsman. He knows a lot about hunting and fishing and different kinds of wildlife. He wants to become a conservation officer. John wants to study French and maybe even teach it. He really wants to see Europe and the world. Jason is really funny and lighthearted. He might make me laugh the most. His career intentions are to follow in the footsteps of his father and uncle and become a firefighter. His family seems to want him to not just dive in head first with that idea though. Dave wants to go career in the army and try to become a Ranger and he seems pretty dead set on it. I know he can do it. He's a real serious guy but he's as sweet as the rest of them when you get his guard down. Aside from that Dave is real quiet. And you see, I learned all this and so much more in unexciting mundane conversations before the time this trip even occurred. Truth is we were all close friends already. And I absolutely did NOT trash talk my husband to any of them, but they knew I was upset he was gone. And that I had been lonely. We had a lot of little conversations I did not share here, and some inside jokes. Some of this is personal to me even aside from an anonymous diary. I was already making memories. They're special to me. SO. Bearing all that mind, Joe and I met up in the morning at Catherine's house to load up Brand&Co. After talking to Cathy for about 20 minutes, we all piled in and we hit the road. The drive didn't seem as long as it was, we talked and listened to music and joked. When we arrived at the property it was about 9am. I was wearing some long shorts and a loose white tee shirt. Aside from that, I had my Plumb bracelet on as usual, I kept my hair tied up, and I had some leather cowgirl boots with floral stamping across the top. I came with equipment for the job: we did come here to get work done. Before I even started playing my little game with them, I was going to make sure we got at least the basic needs of the job done. When we got out and got the drink cooler on the ground, Joe passed around some machetes and hatchets he'd brought with him. I gave out some protective canvas aprons as well as shin and arm guards. I had some canvas pants I also ended up changing into to protect my legs. We put in real work, we weren't fuckin around out there. We chopped down brush, moved fallen (not too large) trees aside to one area to be chopped into firewood, trimmed the dead trees and made bundles of kindling. By five p.m. we were done with the first day's work goals. It was a hot day out that day, and when we got done with most of the brush Joe took his shirt off and wrapped it around his head. It looked all arabian n stuff. He had shown Brandon how to do that and he did the same. Then the others wanted to know how and they showed them. It was great and I didn't say much, I just watched them all take their shirts off and make fancy hats out of them. They were tense from working. Their stomachs, their chests, their arms, they were tight. You could tell because their abs, and everyone but John had them, were popping out a bit. Their chests bulged a bit. Hell, even my washboard (which I am very proud of) was fairly present under my shirt. It was such a nice visual, and I had such a good time nurturing them toward the end. They told me to take a rest for the night at 4 or so that day, so I went and got snacks and refreshed their water, made sure it was iced down and cold etc. When work was coming to an end, I had some groceries thrown in the fridge and I knew it was almost time to prep for dinner. I told them I'd need to be the first to shower so I could get their dinner started. When I got in the bathroom of our country house (a very nice one, no neighbors for miles) I smiled so hard it almost hurt as I opened my travel bag. The bathroom was already prepped with towels and toiletries, the bedrooms (there were four) were all furnished, beds made. The other three had to share the ginormous couch with a fold out bed. Oh well, I already had bedding ready to go there too. Anyway, my travel bag. I pulled out my new outfit, which was going to be very simple: a short and very low cut sundress. After my shower, when I put it on, I felt a thrill when I saw it stop just below my ass. My girls felt they could spring free at any time. And when I say I wore just that sundress, I mean it: ONLY that sundress....and my dumb bracelet. After that I put my hair up in a messy bun, did my makeup and went out to make dinner. As I turned the hallway corner, I saw Joe coming up the stairs. "I was wondering how long it would be." I could hear the smile in his voice "I got next!". "Well you get in there and wash your balls good then mister." I said to him as he ran by me, without thinking. He let out a surprised laugh and right as his hind quarters passed me, I just reactively slapped his ass. I could have just raised my right hand and stared at it in disbelief right there, except I didn't wanna look anymore crazy than I did. So I just turned to him blushing, not knowing what to say. Luckily I didn't have to say much. He goes "Oh baby, do it again!" and stuck his ass out at me. I started laughing histerically. The others were outside putting tools away. "Go ahead, I've been a bad boy". With a giggle I smacked his ass again. "Oh, that's firm" I said. I smacked it again even harder "daaaamn look at that jello jiggle!" Is what I heard myself say. Luckily that was also funny, so we laughed really hard again. Then he got in the shower and I went down stairs. I made Maple glaze salmon that night with some scallops and baked potatoes. While I was cooking, Brandon walked in the kitchen. Joe might have been just finishing his shower, and Josh, Dave, John and Jay were all watching some TV while they waited for me. Bran, like Joe, was always learning about different things. This or that nifty knowledge, how to do this thing or that thing. I guess Bran had been learning about card tricks for a long time before I met him again with Joe and his friends, and I just didnt know yet, because he walked in with a deck of cards with his tank top on. Tank tops don't have sleeves, remember. We took the time to do a little card trick. Crazy thing is, he asked me to pick any card from the deck, with it all spread out and backward where he couldn't see. I pulled the card back where he couldn't see. He let me shuffle and cut the deck. Then he put it to the side. My card was the queen of hearts. He had me pick up my kitchen sheers and cut it to pieces. I threw the pieces in the trash can. Then he handed me an apple. "No way". "Go ahead and look" is what he said. I took a paring knife and shaved a top side off the apple. My knife hit a bit of resistance. I put my fingers on the little disturbance, and I jumped because I just knew it was my card. I pulled it out slowly, and behold, there it was, folded in half. The queen of hearts. "Holy shit! How did you do that?!" Is what I yelled. Then I realized that when I jumped, my left tit came out a bit. I looked down and my nipple was showing. I looked at him, he looked at me, we both were red. He then gently reached out and covered it back up, winked, and told me a good magician never reveals his secrets. It's a good thing I hadn't put anything to heat yet, because something would have burned. During dinner I was so turned on. That fun in the hall with Joe, that magic trick and my nip slip, it had me in the clouds. Especially since we had such a good group conversation at the table. Joe and I had a couple of glasses of red wine. I remembered some of the work i was going to have done to the shed the next day, then suddenly felt a bit bold. As I was showing them how the fold out bed worked, I asked Joe if he, Josh and Dave could come outside so I could show them some things about the shed. The door needed to be re-hinged and painted. They said sure and I led them outside. So I said "so as you can see here we need to change these hinges, then we have some paint for the door." They already knew this and Dave nodded his head as if to say "okay and?". So then I went "oh hold on there are some things in here I'm gonna check on. Just wait right here okay guys?" Joe goes "Sure I guess" in a laid back way and leaned against a fencing pole. I then went in the shed, directly in Joe's line of sight from where he leaned, left the door cracked enough to where he could see, along with Josh and Dave on either side of him, starting to chat. I leaned over a sawhorse and started playing with the handle of a big axe on a whole rack of axes. I was drunk you see, but not as drunk as I seemed. I knew what I was doing. I leaned down just a bit more, and out came my ass and puss. I heard Joe gasp and whisper "Dave, Josh, look" followed by Josh's own whisper "oh my god" and Dave's "you mean there is a God after all." I soaked. My pussy made Dave "believe in God" I loved it. I then stood up, slowly pulled my dress down, and turned around like they didn't just see what just happened. They were pretending they were still just talking. I stumbled out of the shed. "Shawna let's get you to bed, I think yer drunk" Joe laughed. And hey, I was, wasn't I? "Busted. Okay. We gotta get up early, let's turn in." Or something like that. They all teased me about my walk a little bit and got me into my bedroom. I smiled again. I won the game again, and suddenly, when they had left, I could walk straight. I opened my bag back up and brought out three special travel companions. I pulled my sundress off over my head and threw it on the bed, next to my tango bullet, Hitachi vibrator, and I even brought a vibrating buttplug. Fun fact, the master bedroom in our country house is sound proofed. Before my husband and I bought it, the previous owner had a home recording studio. He had sound proofed the room. We decided we wanted to keep it that way, as a measure of protection of kids hearing mom and dad getting frisky many years before. We didn't get much use out of that feature, but now I'd get a little use out of it. I still wasn't super loud, but I jacked off for hours. Best session of my life. I'm sure you could imagine. That was a thrilling night, a magic one in a way (Brandon), but the next day, well, that was where the real magic was. No card tricks, just nature. We got up early, about 5 am. They worked on the shed for a couple hours. I made everybody breakfast while they began their work, everyone stopping briefly to eat before I joined them. I grabbed the posthole digger and helped put in more fencing poles for the shed. The door had been painted and new hinges put on. There was a bit more brush to get at we'd missed, and we had left a couple of dead trees behind the night before. We took care of them now. After a couple of hours of working with them, Joe told me he wanted me on concession duty. I happily agreed: I liked that he was my own personal foreman. "Yes boss!" I smiled. "I'll get you guys something to drink after I get changed." It was even a little hotter that day than the previous one. In truth it was still early on in the day. "You get a shower first if ya want, we still got a while but you might as well." He didn't have to tell me twice. "You got it, I ain't gonna argue. I'll be back in about a half hour." That was it. I was prepared to deploy my most nuclear option yet. This was gonna be the most fun run on the chessboard. When I got out of the shower, I put on an outfit that I knew would be good for the heat. I put on the most coochie-cuttinest daisy dukes anyone could hope to see. The only way to see more of my ass would be if it was what Joe Dave and Josh saw the previous night: completely bare. Because let me tell you, my ass was OUT. All. The. Way. Out. It may as well have been a thong. As for my top, it was a lot like my multi cam bikini top, except it was cotton, and white. I mean, technically it was a low cut belly shirt. In truth it's a white strip of cloth that just barely covered me tats. Then I put on the floral stamped cowgirl boots and my bracelet. For my hair, I put it up in a messy bun, but this bun was ESPECIALLY messy, in a sexy way. I was just tramping myself out. I didn't really apply any makeup. I didn't want to sweat it off. I'm just happy I have a pretty face. So this actually took about 40 minutes, but I could tell they didn't mind the wait when I came out with a pitcher of ice water. I got them all hydrated and cooled down, with them for a time speechless. It more or less turned out like the bikini though, soon we were talking like normal. In their bewildered silence, and I could tell: their lust, I felt empowered. I loved feeling their eyes turn on my ass while I poured the next man his water. I loved that that didn't change when they could all talk correctly again. Then I got to see something I had never seen before in my life: six HOT AS FUCK MEN chopping trees down into logs and splitting the logs into firewood. They each had their shirts off, in blue jeans and steel toed boots. Some of them had them before, Joe gave one of the young men a pair and I paid for two pair at the last second earlier in the week. Let me remind you of something. Most of you are thinking it. So I'm just gonna point it out: Five of these six MEN were eighteen years old. Now look, Josh and Jay had some youth in their faces. In fact all of them did, but those were the only two you'd guess were even teenagers. Even they could pass for 25. A hot 25. There's a reason why I say the word "men" with such emphasis: these were undeniably young beasts. Young beasts though they were, they were beasts all the same: men. They have the bodies of men. The mentalities of men. The posture, the Jaw lines, everything. They may have only been 18 years old, and at the time I was 47, I was 29 years older than them. All the same, they were undeniable. I was lucky. Most women would melt at what I saw that day, long as they didn't know their age. If they did find out, some would be as I have become, and maybe explode that much harder in their brains. I went kinda brain dead. The fact is though, they ARE men. Young, beautful men. So there were those young foxes, along with their leader fox: Joe, on my property, topless. Their chests bulged as they chopped at the wood, hacked at it and split it. Their biceps bulged, their asses looking good as they pivoted for their swings. I spent quite a while blanked out, watching them. I found myself objectifying them. "Swing that axe you slut" I thought at Brandon. "Let me see those titties bulge when you swing." I was laughing on the inside, while at the same time insanely horny. I could tell they were all showing off for me while I stood and watched them by the drink station, basically naked. I saw John's body tense and in action. Even though he kind of had a dad bod, his muscles popped when he was in action. You could see all the tensity concentrate in his biceps, triceps, chest, and rock-muscle stomach. He was built like a linebacker, that's why he was a linebacker. I fed everyone a light lunch once they were just over half way done with the dead trees. I sat down next to John at the table and put my hand through his blonde hair, feeling a little wreckless, and rubbed his arm. "You boys are doing a really good job out there." I told him, sex in my voice. Of course I was really talking to all of them. They all went quiet. "Well boys, don't worry. You just keep putting your backs in like you have, and you'll finish it off in no time." I don't know why, but it even surprised me when my tone ended in what almost sounded like an intense sexual advancement. All the same I had turned to Joe and rubbed my hand a couple times up and down his chest as I had finished that sentence. I turned and faced forward. "Well everyone, let's eat!" I said with a smile. Now obviously there was a tension. They all knew I knew what I did there. I don't know why, but I wanted them to know. I was just all worked up from watching them chop and split all that wood. The tension wasn't awkward though. I don't know if you could understand, but it was something like a "jovial impatience"? We had a good but hurried lunch conversation. Everyone was friendly, happy even, yet tense because of my stunt. All the same, I could tell they loved my little stunt. I had forgotten all about my husband. We went back outside, and they kept showing off. They showed off all the way till there was nothing left of those trees or logs. Josh's massive frame just pulverized that wood. Every woman should love wood, and they would if only they saw the wood I saw (see what I did there? But no seriously that's not a joke I WAS ON FIRE). Dave's massive chest just puffed out of his thiccc body. Jason was able to split many logs back to back, his core flexing. Him and Brandon were competing. It was all for me. I was high. I served them their water, and had found myself in a place where I could cognitively function by the time they had finished. We went inside just in time for the last of the water from that pitcher to go. They all trailed across the yard behind me, like fawns following a doe as we went toward the house, at that point in a more relaxed but giddy conversational tone. I wasn't fooling anybody anymore. I think to be honest with you, everyone was high. I was high off them, and they were high off me and my body, and at my age too. I felt so powerful. When we all got inside we all took showers. I of course was taking my second one but this was my house and I was going first. I just redressed to the same outfit though, except this time laid my makeup on thick with my ol' daisy dukes and low cut belly shirt. I came down stairs as the next one went up, and they came back down in night clothes as we all stood in the kitchen and talked. Mostly they wore gym shorts and tanks, Brandon had swim trunks on for some weird reason, and no shirt. I had no complaints. Joe and I were on our second bloody Mary each, as would become a custom with us, as John, the last of them, came down. At a point, I thought I smelled weed. I wonder if Brandon and his friends smoked a joint while I was in the shower. I think we were all under the influence. Well one way or another, a natural cycle had occurred. You could feel it in the air. We were high, if anything, from nature. John said "So Shawna, what was up with my arm earlier?". Joe then goes "oh yeah, and you seemed to like my chest". "Welllll..." I giggled, I just wanted to tell the truth "you all just looked so good out there. I don't even care, I just want you guys to know you're all hot." Then Brandon went "ya know, thats why I wore trunks down here". I bit my lip "oh yeah?" Right at that moment I looked down at his trunks, and had only at that moment noticed the head of his penis barely popping out of the bottom of the trunks, right by his right inner thigh. I had barely registered his shroom tip when Brandon responded to me: "yeah, because if I changed clothes the way you change every time I saw you, I would've walked down like this!" Then before anyone could react, he stripped his trunks down to his ankles, stood up straight, and everyone then saw a literal elephant trunk swung around between his legs. The phrase "baby arm" doesn't do it justice. My Jaw dropped and everyone, myself included, died laughing. "Holy shit!" Joe shouted "We got Lex fuckin Steele in the house!" Josh yelled "God damn!" Dave stuttered "holy...holy fuck Bran. I didnt know you had an extra leg" while John, without missing a beat followed that with "yeah bro, nice dick." And everyone exploded into laugher again. Joe choked out the words "I never thought I'd ever hear anyone say that." "So Shawna, what do you think?" Brandon asked when everyone was done laughing, still naked, throwing his trunks over his shoulders, presenting himself before me. Now remember, this was the first time I'd ever seen a dick up close that wasn't my husband's. I had no idea they could actually get that big. To tell the truth I loved how it looked. I'd seen some in movies, and what little bit of porn i'd seen. They usually looked gross when I had seen them on whatever screen or other. I couldn't take my eyes off of Bran's at all though. And I was drunk and insanely horny. So I told him the truth while saying as little as possible. "Well...I love it. I've only ever seen my husband's, and his isn't half as nice as yours." I was trying not to hyperventilate as I said that to him. "Just like his body isn't as nice as yours." Everyone yowled and cheered. "Well, if that's the case then maybe you should get to see the rest of us" I barely heard Joe say through my brain fog. By the time I registered the words, the rest of them were stripping completely naked. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. As Joe finished exposing his muscular body to me, he lithely and with all the confidence in the world picked up his wine glass, raised it to me with his own beautful, sizeable appendage swinging around in front of him, and said "to your beauty." I don't think they had any idea just how bad I had it for them. I mean, clearly they wanted to reciprocate by showing me their naked bodies. They all just got naked though. Unprompted. At the same time. JUST FOR ME. (high) But, God damn. Remember, the plan was to jack off. I wasn't planning on sleeping with them, much less actually seeing them in the buff. (They were SO buff) At that point though I'd nearly completely become an animal. I was paralyzed, trying to hold onto the last of my common sense, assuming any was left. I mean, I know I was basically naked, but the truth is they were all now LITERALLY naked. Technically, I still had all my clothes on. I was fighting myself to keep it that way. Now hands down, Brandon had the biggest wang piece. Remember I had gone from having only seen one dangly thang ever in my life to seeing six, all at the same time. My brain was in a fog. Between the muscles, the men they were attached to, and now, well, all the cock, I couldn't focus. All their cocks just looked so beautiful to me. They were all perfect. None of them were small, all their dicks were fat. Brandon's the longest, and really thick. Dave's was the shortest, still at decent length, it was also the fattest. My focus was fading, instincts taking stronger grip on me. I came to with all of us laughing. I don't remember what we were laughing at. They couldn't have been buffed out for more than 2 minutes. "So Shawna, who's is the nicest?" I heard one of them say. I concentrated and noted they had all lined up side by side. All their beautful faces in plain view. Followed by their manly necks. Then their gorgeous chests and arms. Then their.....delicious cocks...then legs, even their feet looked amazing in that moment. Top hairs of their heads down to their toes. "Well Jay, I don't know if I could choose. I can't describe it. I don't have a favorite" I heard myself whisper out of my mouth. My focus came back a bit "But look guys, I'm married, I don't know if we should be doing this." Joe and Bran walk out of the line a little bit and I could see they all were becoming erect. None of them had touched themselves, but they were all rising. Joe and Brandon, I saw, were rock solid as they stepped a bit in my direction. I gasped. "Come on Shawna. You don't have to do anything, but there's nothing wrong with liking what you see." That was Brandon. I stared at his cock and I stared at Joe's, which was also amazing, my inner animal prioritizing attention to the two closest to me. I forgot to respond, I just stared. "You wanna touch it?" I heard Joe say. "You can touch it." I just reached up and gripped his beautiful cock, felt it pulse, rock hard in my hand, and immediately felt a rush and stroked it a good two times before I felt Brandon kiss my neck from behind. I kissed him back and for about five seconds of pure instinct I jacked joe off while Brandon made out with me. Then I snapped back to reality. "Guys, I just can't!" as I jumped up and away from them and moved back. It was in that moment I saw my top in Brandon's hand. I looked down and saw my chest was completely bare. I felt emberassed and full of an anxiety that wasn't quite fear. I also was way turned on by that, because it was almost like some kind of magic trick. So anyway, there I was with my tits out... Really, there I was with my tits out. "Come on miss Shawna, we think you wanna be a bad girl, don't you?" I heard Brandon say that and he walked toward me, a beast stalking me. Then Joe walked from behind me "she already has been bad" then I felt his body connect to mine, and kissed my neck again. I could barely quiver out the words "I'm married" as his hands explored my chest, right as Brandon walked in front of me and he started making out with me too. A glimpse at Dave, Jay, Josh and John showed me they were completely hard. "But don't you agree you've been bad, Shawna?" Joe asked me. "I agree I've been bad, but I-" then I was interrupted as those words shook out from my vocal chords. I felt Joe bend me over slightly while standing, and slap my ass. "Then you need to get that ass busted!" Then he just slapped my ass five good times, very quickly. I began to give in. I looked up as Brandon closed back in. Just behind him on our wall hung a picture of me and my husband when we were about 22, on vacation in Italy. We were kissing under an umbrella on the beach, sitting. Brandon grabbed my hair, firmly but it didn't really hurt. Not that bad anyway. All the same, I gripped his cock with both hands. I squeezed it once, with the firm pulse resisting my hands, pushing them back out. One more time, I knew this would be the last time I was gonna be able to say this. So I figured I better make it loud. "I can't I'm marr-" I barely whimpered out. I was not loud, I just couldn't be. And I wasn't able to finish my sentence, because I was interrupted again. Those words whimpered out, and before I could finish the word "married" Brandon put his gigantic cock in my mouth. I immediately started to suck. It was over. They could do whatever they wanted. The animal was here. While Joe spanked my ass I tried to suck Brandon's dick. The truth is it was too big for me to properly suck. He could barely get passed his head before I gagged. Then I started to get the hang of it a bit. I closed my mouth and gave direct suction as fast as I could go with as much as i could handle. Bran moaned with a sound that came straight out of soul. I loved it. I had power in my mouth and hands, that young big dicked foxy fuck. Right at that moment Joe pulled my dukes down to my ankles, stood back up, and with a squeeze and a slap of my ass "yeah, suck his dick you fuckin slut!". I loved the sudden assertiveness. and personality switch. I loved he called me a dirty word. I was discovering I love sucking Brandon's dick. Then Joe started playing with my puss and exploring my body while I sucked on Bran. He kept the spankin going too while he did all that. Somehow. The others had started jacking their cocks off. They noticed I liked it when Joe called me a slut. They called me a whore and a slut and all kinds of dirty things while they cheered me on. Then I felt Joe and Brandon straighten me out and walk me to the living room, then push me down onto the carpeted floor. I landed face down. I turned back and faced them, still completely an animal. A new Shawna was here. I faced them on the ground, leaning back, my legs together. And I have to say, this was the moment. You see, what I saw in front of me was a canvased painting. I saw what this really was. They all stood again side by side, this time half way into the living room. Their body language tense, the silence in the room was indescribable. These were warriors from another village, and I was being conquered, you understand? Or they were part of an army here to liberate me from my tyranical and incompetent husband. You remember how I said I felt when they were cutting the wood? Or at any time my brain blinked out from being turned on? Well, this moment was like that times 100. Or 1000. I haven't experienced it since. Just to remind (again, and I'm sorry) but in addition to these new and exceptional men in my life, having come in as outsiders, as well as their exceptional bodies, there was this brand new thing called "seeing dick up close that wasn't Dan's and there's six of them and they all look like sculptures". I looked up and I saw Bran's pulse, in an almost slow motion moment. Everything about this moment was slowed down. It was like I reached an enlightenment. I saw Brandon's pulse first, then Joe, then Bran again, then Josh, then Joe again, then Dave, then Bran and then Josh again etc. They all pulsed and pulsed. I watched them all swell into hard iron clubs. My vision even brightened, I suddenly could feel a refreshing coolness in the air. I felt my body exposed to the warriors, at their disposal, it was indescribable. A nirvana or a baptism of some kind. An enlightenment in sex, this moment a religious experience. It had become one the moment I hit the floor, and remained one all the way through the night. Suddenly, Joe shifted forward. I reactively inched back. Then Brandon shifted and they both walked toward me. I scooted back inch by inch, slowly. They stepped as I moved. All you could hear was heavy breathing. Then I saw Joe kneel as his club gave a firm wobble. Then Brandon kneeled on the other side of me, I was running out of room. This was all still so slowed down, the rest had stepped in a bit more and stopped, all their hands gripped around their war clubs. Joe grabbed my ankle and pulled me back on the floor fast. I screamed. It wasn't fear though, it was thrilling. I felt myself smile. Then Bran and his Sr officer Joe pinned me down and started to play with my body. They played with my clit and tweaked my nipples and played with my puss, then they laid down on either side of me and kept me on my back, and each made out with me as they kept playing with me, nibbling my ears and neck, sucking my tits and having a good time with me while I stroked them both at the same time. Then I felt Joe drag me to the couch like some kind of cave man and then throw me up on it and leaned me back into a sitting position. He sank down, kissing my body every inch on the way. All the way down between my legs. I almost immediately felt some jolts run through my body from my clit. Yep, he knew how to handle me. I didn't know head could feel that good. Dan even fucking do that right. Right before I started to cum, I started to scream because it felt so intense. Bran had sat next to me, and pulled my head down onto his cock and muffled my scream with his dick. I loved it. I came hard on Joe's face, opened my eyes, and was even more turned on than before. I could focus better suddenly too. Joe had backed off for a second and played with my left tit while Bran played with my right tit. I had pulled my mouth off to recover from my orgasm, Brandon's club in my hand. Then Joe went back down and slowed his pace a bit, and let me revel in it a bit. I started to suck Bran again and started fast. I couldn't even get my face a third of the way down him, but once I found that spot i kept going down while I stroked his shaft quickly from the base almost all the way up to where my lips were. I heard that moan again and he slumped back, completely red, his big chest heaving. "Faster. Harder" I thought, feeling powerful. He came in my mouth and I pulled back and he came more. All over my face and hands and lips while he screamed and Joe just kept eating me. I pulled back once, i remember, got hit in the eye, and then went back down to stop the stream with my mouth. He was slumping all the way back, his eyes closed, I finished sucking him till I was sure the flow had stopped. I was swallowing, and I remeber he tried to push my head off for a second but couldn't, I just kept going. He passed out on the couch with his cock coming to rest on his left thigh, still half inflated. I laid back enjoying the luxury of Joe eating me with Brandon's cum on my face and in my throat, the rest still watching. I loved the taste of him. In that moment I don't think there was any aspect of any of them I couldn't have loved. "Beautiful big dick bastards" I muttered while I grabbed the back of Joe's head and pulled his face into my puss, the smell of Brandon running beneath my nose, then the feeling of him dropping on my right breast. Josh walked up with some wipes while Joe was eating me, Bran passed out, the other three stroking off, and handed them to me. We made eye contact, and we knew what we already knew. It was time. I pushed Joe back, soaking wet, wiped myself down and threw them in the kitchen trash can right around the corner. I seemed to move with a certain sense of authority now. Joe was still on his knees. I could feel a smirk on my face and a twitch in my ass. Brandon started to sit back up, his cock hardening again. "Alright boys!" I shouted in a loud voice that almost wasn't mine, "Make a circle!".

It’s about damn time… the next major version of Reason is coming! I’m very happy and proud to announce that Reason 13 will be released on June 18, 2024. Check out the What’s New page to see what you can expect and then come back here so I can wax poetic about it for a while. I’ll wait…
…OK, all done? Then let’s talk about Reason 13.
The vision and focus for Reason 13 was all about improving the workflow. Not because it is bad in Reason 12, but because it can always be even better. However, workflow is a tricky word because it means different things to different people and how they make music. So with Reason 13 we had to start out doing a lot of research and design discovery. Luckily, all of you music makers out there are so passionate and willing to share that it didn’t take long until we had figured out what we could improve to make things smoother and let you focus on your music.
New Browser
The first major feature is the new browser. Reason’s been around for 20 years and comes with a staggering number of patches, samples and loops. In fact, some included sounds have gone from modern to terribly out of style to being hip again. However, navigating through this treasure trove of sounds is not easy if you don’t know exactly where to look.
With Reason 13 we’ve categorized and tagged pretty much all patches, loops, and samples in all sound banks, all Reason Studios Rack Extensions, and Sound Packs. This makes it quick to find what you’re looking for and inviting to go exploring for something new. Start typing something and get suggestions for categories, tags, formats, or even which device made the patch. Stack as many filters as you want to narrow your results down to what you want. I’ve already re-discovered awesome patches I haven’t heard in years. We’ve also added a lot of fresh new patches, samples, and loops to the sound bank in Reason 13. But what about all your other content? Your personal sample collection, favorite ReFill, or anything else can of course be tagged by you.
To accommodate this filter based browsing, the browser has been redesigned as a floating window that you open when you need it and resize as you see fit. The previous browser area is now a dedicated Device Palette that takes up less space and is focused solely on devices. Every single Reason device and Rack Extension also have new categories you can filter on. Same for VST3 plugins with built-in categories!
Sequencer update
Next up is one I know many of you are really excited about, a hefty sequencer update. The big thing we saw (and experienced ourselves) with Reason’s sequencer was how easy it was to lose your way. Switching editing modes, unexpected zooming behavior, functions hidden away, understanding what you’re looking it… even if you’re used to it it could be tricky. I often meet people who ask for a feature in Reason that’s actually already in there, they just didn’t know to look in the Tool Window or dig into the key commands for example.
In Reason 13 we’ve integrated the Edit Mode into the main sequencer view as a new Edit Area. While not the most innovative idea, it really makes it easier to keep track of where you are and doing deep editing while still seeing the arrangement at the same time. We’ve also removed the Tool Window (RIP, you bastard!) and integrated all these features into the Edit Area and overhauled all context menus. We even snuck in some new editing feature here that are quite useful. Couple that with new zooming options, including dragging in the timeline, and getting around Reason 13 is both faster and more intuitive. We’ll talk more about the nitty gritty details as we get closer to release!
Devices
Finally, it wouldn’t be a Reason upgrade without some new devices. Sidechain Tool, Gain Tool, and Stereo Tool were designed as workflow helpers for the Rack. As the name implies, they each take on a common task and make it easier. Sidechain Tool offers both automatic sidechain pumping, triggered pumping, and a regular compressor-based sidechain mode. It even includes a Send Mode so you can use it as a Send Effect for several channels. Gain Tool is a utility for managing levels, panning, and routing—particularly useful for complex signal chains, Combinators, Reason Rack Plugin, or even just automating the level without messing with your mixer fader. Last but not least, Stereo Tool is a stereo widener particularly designed to widen mono signals without causing phase issues. Super useful for guitar and vocals… and Subtractor!
Monotone was a real workflow boost when it came out. Immediate, intuitive, and with a great sound. In Reason 13 we wanted to do the same for classic poly synth sounds and the result is Polytone Dual-Layer Synthesizer, a synth-lovers’ synth. Inspired by our favorite vintage hardware, we designed it to quickly create the warm analog sounds you know and love. With a familiar and immediate interface, you’ll feel right at home. However it wouldn’t be a Reason Studios instrument if we didn’t tweak the formula. The oscillators include waveshaping and unique flavors of noise for more tonal variety than the classics. And best of all, Polytone has two layers that can be either stacked or morphed between for both super fat and evolving sounds.
We also made a new effect, Ripley Space Delay, a combined delay and reverb with vast modulation and sound shaping. We spent a lot of time with our favorite delay and reverb units, experimenting with algorithms, and combining it all with new ideas in a way that’s both simple to use and very powerful. The result is a delay that can be both your go-to “normal” delay but also a sound design playground for spacious effects—from clean and digital taps and warm analog delay to crazy lo-fi chirps and washed out ambiences. It’s perhaps the least workflow-focused of all Reason 13 features, but it’s a truly amazing device.
Wrapping up
That’s a lot of words, but I’ve still not covered everything in Reason 13. We’ve actually redesigned the entire UI with a new color scheme, look, and layout, too. There’s a new top bar for navigating the different areas and the dividers have been slimmed down to get out of your way. Companion’s also been refreshed and looks better than ever. It also finally handles the Optional Content that was previously downloaded from within Reason, so now you’ll find Klang, Pangea, Humana, Radical Piano, Drum Supply, and Loop Supply in Companion along with your other downloadable content.
Phew, OK, I think that’s the gist of it. We’re all super excited for all the new features and devices in Reason 13 and I hope you are too! All of this really improves the workflow so that you (and I) can focus on what we love most: making music.
You can buy or upgrade to Reason 13 when it releases on June 18th and if you’re a Reason+ subscriber you’ll of course have access to Reason 13 as soon as it’s available.
Mattias Häggström Gerdt Product Manager
☘️☘️NEW IN REASON 13Your sound, faster. With an upgraded sequencer, a brand new browser, a redesigned interface, five new devices, and more sounds—Reason 13 is all about your workflow.
Check out what’s new in Reason 13, releasing June 18.
BROWSE YOUR WAYAll patches, samples, and loops are now in one place—the new Browser. Find the perfect sound by filtering on anything from name and kind to categories and tags. Just type what you’re looking for and the browser will give you suggestions or use the Category and Tag buttons to filter your way to a new sound.
SEQUENCER UPGRADEThe sequencer has been split into two. With the new Edit Area it’s easy to get down and dirty with the details in your music without losing your way in the arrangement. Together with several new workflow improvements, improved zooming, layout changes, and easy access to editing features—the upgraded sequencer makes it effortless to make your music sound like you.
The RackThe StudioThe SoundsNew in 13
NEW IN 13
Your sound, faster. With an upgraded sequencer, a brand new browser, five new devices, and more sounds—Reason 13 is all about your workflow.
From January 1, 2024, onwards, every purchase or upgrade to Reason 12 includes a free upgrade to Reason 13, available on June 18, 2024. Reason 13 will of course also be available to all Reason+ subscribers.
YOUR SOUND, FASTER.
BROWSE YOUR WAYAll patches, samples, and loops are now in one place—the new Browser. Find the perfect sound by filtering on anything from name and kind to categories and tags. Just type what you’re looking for and the browser will give you suggestions or use the Category and Tag buttons to filter your way to a new sound.
TAG, YOU’RE IT!All content in Reason is now categorized and tagged to let you explore sounds in a whole new way. That includes all soundbanks, all Reason Studios devices, and all Sound Packs. Over 20 years of sound design for you to use and abuse. Anything that isn’t already tagged by us can of course be tagged by you.
SEQUENCER UPGRADEThe sequencer has been split into two. With the new Edit Area it’s easy to get down and dirty with the details in your music without losing your way in the arrangement. Together with several new workflow improvements, improved zooming, layout changes, and easy access to editing features—the upgraded sequencer makes it effortless to make your music sound like you.
IT’S GOT THE LOOKReason 13 doesn’t just sound good, it also looks good. Together with the sequencer the entire Reason interface has been updated. It might not necessarily improve your music, but it will make it easier to find your way around.
NEW SOUNDS FOR YOUR SOUNDFall in love with your favorite devices again. In Reason 13 we’ve updated our sound bank library with all new patches, samples, REX loops, demo songs and song starter templates. Sometimes your own sound starts with one of our sounds.
POLYTONE DUAL‑LAYER SYNTHESIZERPolytone is a synth-lovers’ synth. Inspired by our favorite vintage hardware, we designed it to recreate the warm analog sounds you know and love. But it wouldn’t be us if we didn’t tweak the formula for more possibilities. Even better, Polytone has two layers that can be stacked or morphed between for super fat or evolving sounds.
Polytone is more than just a replica of the past. It’s a loving tribute.
RIPLEY SPACE DELAYRipley combines delay and reverb with unique flavors of filtering, noise, and distortion. Coupled with extensive modulation you can create the delay you want—anything from clean taps or warm analog sounds to crazy lo-fi chirps or washed out ambiences. Everything that adds character and depth to your music.
REASON TOOLSThree new devices that simplify common tasks for a smoother workflow, so that you spend less time on the boring stuff and more time making music
Sidechain Tool is all about ducking signals. Use Auto Pump for that classic four-on-the-floor pumping, Trigger to play the rhythm via MIDI, or the traditional Sidechain mode for classic sidechain compression.
Gain Tool puts you in control over signal levels, stereo panning, and routing in one sleek package. Perfect for automation, auditioning, or using in a Combinator.
Stereo Tool is a stereo widener specifically designed to make a simple signal sound bigger and wider. Perfect for giving that old mono synth or vocal track new life.

I am left disappointed with the Finale. Overly simplistic, full of plot convenience, and denies meaningful payoff for multiple unfinished/rushed plots. Star Wars is at its best when high stakes are supported with high consequences . . . mortal consequences. Having a fanciful, sugary sweet “happy ending” is a disservice to these characters who have been shown to be dynamic, resilient and capable of persisting through adversity. As I watched the episode I felt like a fan had won a sweepstakes and been given the prize of writing an episode, one based on their #everyonelives fanfic. Not every happy ending has to include everyone surviving, there is no light without darkness, no peace without conflict, and this is a series about war set in a universe built around systemic conflict and interpersonal loss, in particular being motivated by that loss or the fear of it.
The fact that not even one member of the Batch, nor Omega herself, died in the assault on Tantiss is just odd and not in line with prior storytelling. Omega couldn't have died because it's a kids show and “no dead kids on a kids show” is the rule. Why demonstrate your willingness to break plot armor by killing Tech and then not play out those raised stakes in the finale? If you’re not going to clone him or brainwash him, why kill him in S2 and not wait and off him mid-S3 or during the finale?
Every step in the assault on/escape from Tantiss was just too easy. Emerie partnering with Echo and having no opposition while navigating the base, hacking the medical droid, freeing the Zillo, gaining access to the cells in GenPop and freeing the clones, Emerie being able to casually board and fly a shuttle out of a hanger with the kids, Omega and the Batch making it to their departing shuttlecraft, etc. just felt very flat/unbelievable to me. We are led to believe for multiple seasons that this is an incredibly well stocked/staffed/funded secure base yet one Zillo took out enough troopers to completely dismantle all security personnel and automated contingencies like securing shuttle hangers and halting lifts?
I was looking forward to CX-2 and the other Operatives until they hopped out of their tanks with Signature Moves© and fancy weapons. CX-2 and his predecessors used relatively standard armaments and fighting techniques which positioned them to be great adversaries to CTs and members of the Batch. The sudden appearance of whimsical Operatives, who are unlikely to be CTs based on body shape and fighting style, felt rushed and could have been set up much better earlier in the season or in a short flashback of Crosshair's time on Tantiss, heck even a short line from Fennic about bounty hunters going missing or a line from Hemlock about how he still has use for failed MCount clones would have added to the viewer experience. You also lose the emotional impact of clones fighting clones.
It was also disappointing that our heroes were physically incapacitated fairly quickly and remained so for the last portion of the escape. The hand to hand combat sequence between CX-2 and Crosshair in S03E07 was fantastic, and I felt cheated not getting at least a shred of decent h2h from Hunter, Scorch, CX-2 or the other Operatives. The only knife action we get is when Crosshair is cutting Wrecker free of the bola. I don’t necessarily have a big problem with Scorch’s demise BUT it could have been dealt with better if less time was spent dealing with the Operatives.
The tension during the whole episode could have been dialed up a bunch, but the final showdown on the exterior platform/bridge could have had more elements. Why have the Zillo walk into the forest, presumably no longer a direct threat to the security of the base, instead of climbing up the side of the mountain and wreaking havoc on the base? Feeding on its energy and posing a more direct threat/distraction. Having Hemlock running across the Precarious Walkway© confidently waiting for CX’s ship only to see the Zillo climbing up and pulling it out of the sky and then stocking him and Omega back towards the base where they meet Hunter and Crosshair would have added a little more pizzazz to the whole ordeal. We have already seen Crosshair and CX-2 shoot out ship engines multiple times, didn’t need it again. We would have also benefited from Hemlock starting a self destruct timer, he was already told the research data was destroyed and should have seen to the destruction of the base and the Batch at any cost, arrogance vs. common sense. This would have made reaching the Batch's escaping shuttle more interesting . . . instead we get a borderline comical cut to it taking off.
Them being able to build a life on Pabu is only supported if you believe every single Imperial officer is a complete idiot. Regardless of Tarkin shuttering the base and being uncharacteristically single-minded about the Death Star, either he or another officer would have someone go through the mission records and ship logs and would have found evidence of Pabu, plus the numerous TK troopers who were all sent to search for Omega. Even if they don’t know who or why they were on the planet, doesn’t the fact that there was a major operation there a red flag? Unfortunately most of Star Wars operates in the “imperials are incompetent” realm, but sometimes fiction can benefit from mirroring real life where enemies are smart, agile, and competent, they wouldn’t be as scary if they weren’t, this is one reason Andor with its ambitious imperials and their rabid collaborators work so well. In other media we are led to believe Tarkin is of sound strategic mind, covering all his bases and ensuring the long term security of the Empire. His bases also include keeping Palps happy.
If the cloning data is completely destroyed then how do we get here? How do we get Gideon’s clones? Are we to presume that the Kaminoan cloning technology was the most advanced and the techniques employed by the Emperor later were never going to be as fully realized as the Kaminoans could have produced? Hence why Snoke and Palps II were messed up. It seems like an oversimplification of the issue in order to give us the very satisfying Nala Se revenge scene and the Omega’s happy family wrapped in a pretty red bow. Along with other, recent SWs content this gives me a nagging feeling that all the different production hands at LFL rarely sit around the same table and discuss long term story goals.
Along with other fans I feel safe assuming we will get a Rebel Clone series soon, best guess announcement at Celebration 2025. Why dedicate so much indulgent screentime to Cody, Rex, Gregor, and Wolffe during S2 and S3 and have absolutely no payoff in the finale? Why does Senator Chuchi feel like offering decommissioned clones a place on Pantora is a good idea? How many itinerant clones are floating around the galaxy with or without chain codes? This whole situation is going to go south soon and will hopefully show us what tragic event(s) lead Rex, Gregor, and Wolffe to choose self isolation on Seelos. Echo and Senator Chuchi are killed and Pantora is razed?
Conspiracy theory: Bad Batch never delivered the numbers Disney expected of it and it was cut down from 4-5 seasons to 3. The production team were told of this between S2 and S3 but so much was already written they decided to retain the majority of the S3’s content and rush an extended final episode, ex. never fleshing out the Operatives. Streaming services do not release their ratings data, not even to their stock holders in any meaningful detail. They have a PR incentive to claim that it was always supposed to be 3 seasons and no ethical responsibility to tell the fans otherwise.
At this point you may not believe me but The Bad Batch has been my favorite piece of SWs content for many years. I wish we could get indefinite seasons of it and as many print media spin offs as possible, but unfortunately all good things come to an end. Although I chose to focus on the parts I found distracting, I do think there were strong parts of the finale including the excellent music, beautiful animation, and gorgeous Star Destroyers, fresh off shipyard docks. With the exception of the OT and the PT, it's my belief that Star Wars is at its strongest when it's animated. I pray to the Maker that more animated Star Wars finds its way to us, in its own time.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk! Flame me in the comments I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

This story covers multiple adventures of Pathfinder 2nd Edition in which there was only one problem person and it was difficult for me to identify them as such.
I'll refer to him as Gary, not his real name, obviously. I never learned his actual name as these games took place anonymously over discord via voice chat.
Since this is a long one, I will break it down into parts and try keeping things organized according to the order of events that took place over several months.
Part 1: King Breaker
Shortly after completing the Beginner Box Adventure under one Game Master, I was hooked on the system and looked for more games to play.
Gary advertised a game for the Kingmaker adventure path in a PF2e discord channel. Gary accepted me as one of the players after I applied before he explained to everyone how the adventure does not support certain races and that those playable races are not allowed to be used for player characters.
Gary listed about a half dozen races, which may not seem like a lot to 5e players, but PF2e doesn't have an extensive list of playable races and it makes up for that with heritages unique to each race. Heritages are like how 5e handles different types of elves and tieflings.
Being new to PF2e and to TTRPG's in general, I did not think this too big of a deal. I know better now, and I also know that Kingmaker does actually allows players to play the races that Gary banned. The game suggests to the Game Master to make those choices interesting to reflect the politics of the setting. Gary, however, translated that as 'don't use these races because they are enemies of the state'.
Session 1 of Kingmaker went down relatively okay. However, at one point, Gary demanded we all declare an exploration activity. I told him that I wanted to open doors and explore rooms. He told me, "No, you can't open a door. That's not an Exploration Activity."
I was confused and frustrated; so, I asked, "Okay, what can I do then?"
Gary was right and wrong at the same time. Opening a door is not listed as an Exploration Activity in the rules, but nothing in the rules explicitly stops a character from opening a door while exploring. And, "exploring an area" to find out what and who is there is not an Exploration Activity listed in the rules either. But! There is Searching, an Exploration Activity that allows characters to try to find out what and who is in an area.
It was whatever, honestly, just a matter of semantics I believe Gary handled poorly. I definitely learned about Exploration Activities during the ONLY instance Gary demanded we declare them. And the first session ended with the party killing a bunch of bandits.
Before session 2 came around, one of Gary's relatives. who I will call Barry, who was a player in the game quits. They quit because Gary excitedly projected their perspective of Barry's character onto them.
Barry asked Gary not to do that. Gary disregarded the request. He dismissed Barry's concerns as not being a big deal and proceeded to defend himself as having done nothing wrong. Barry asked him not to do it and demanded an apology. Gary refused, insisting he did nothing wrong. So, Barry quit but not before warning the rest of the party that Gary always does things like this.
To quote South Park, we didn't listen . . . more accurately, I didn't listen.
I thought Barry was blowing things out of proportion and that they were being an asshole. I lacked context that I honestly didn't want or need. But, in hindsight, I suspect Barry may have experienced worse from Gary in the past and that them joining may have been them giving Gary another chance. I don't know and I don't need to know.
Speculation aside, Gary brought on a new player to replace Barry at the same time that I convinced a friend of mine to join. But my friend ended up becoming too busy to make more than one session and left.
Another player left shortly after and Gary brought on another player after that.
Gary became audibly annoyed with this latest new guy in voice over something so utterly inconsequential that I cannot even remember what it was about and so, that player quit.
All these people who quit all basically said the same thing. That work or some other real life obligation made it impossible for them to continue playing.
I now suspect many of these players quit because they didn't like Gary and I can see why.
The thing about Gary is that he is an incredible story teller. He is absolutely committed to the in game world and the elements, including the people, in it. And he does a great job narrating all of it. He even has a talent for voice acting. But that is the extent of his positive qualities as a Game Master.
Gary has a very high opinion of himself and he treats his players as expendable and easily replaced audience members at worst and actors in his story at best.
Gary often disregards the wants of his players in favor of adhering to the rules as written 99% of the time. Which ironically means he disregards the most important rule of the game, which is to try to let everyone involved have fun. 9/10 times a player asked Gary if they could do something, he said No.
Gary is also full of himself. His approach to the game is basically 'My table, my rules. Don't like it, leave'. There is no room for negotiation with him. And this attitude reflected in conversations having nothing to do with the game.
We would sometimes talk about random topics in chat and voice our personal preferences on certain things. Gary, without joking, often told someone, 'You're wrong'. He considered anyone who didn't like what he liked, wrong. And this is someone who demands everyone around him accepts him for who he is and what he likes or fuck off.
Anyway, for someone so fixated on the rules, Gary later revealed that despite wanting to run Kingmaker, he had not actually prepared to run Kingmaker.
Kingmaker is an adventure that emphasizes exploration and settlement management. The player's guide for Kingmaker is the largest player's guide of any adventure I have ever seen because most of it lists and details how to make and manage a kingdom and the stages and progression involved in doing it.
Gary never bothered reading those rules until AFTER it was time for the party to establish a foundling kingdom.
Oh, and, another important aspect about Kingmaker is the fact that the game is over if the players' Kingdom falls.
We reached a point where Gary just didn't want to run Kingmaker. He thought we the players weren't interested in running a kingdom and he was kind of right.
I was initially excited by the prospect of making and running a kingdom in game. It sounded cool, it does sound cool. But Gary made it not fun by constantly telling the players No. We couldn't really make anything of our kingdom because 'da rulez'. He insisted on making the process as mechanically and robotically lifeless as possible.
For kingdom management, Gary had us spend hours in a session taking turns picking officially listed things we could do, rolling dice, and adjusting the Kingdom sheet according to the results as if we were playing shitty bowling. Yay . . .
I kept playing because I enjoyed the encounters Gary made and provided. When we were actually playing a game that involved Role Play, Exploration, AND Combat, it was mostly fun. And if being a rules lawyer game master was Gary's only flaw then there would have been no issues.
After another player quit Gary announced that he was cancelling the adventure. The number of players who left destroyed his desire to continue at that point. He announced wanting to host another AP, Strength of Thousands. It's an adventure about joining a prestigious magic school and investigating and solving mysterious and deadly problems at the school. Think Harry Potter, but the magic school is in some fantasy version of Africa and also has fantasy creatures attending it.
Everyone remaining the group except for me bailed.
Part 2: Strength of None
I wanted to continue playing with Gary. I had, at the time, mistaken his ego, cockiness, and the very abrasiveness that made him so unapproachable to others for confidence in himself.
Strength of Thousands began and everyone involved was excited for it. And Gary almost seemed to learn to be a little less strict on the rules. Strength of Thousands demands players pick Wizard or Druid as a class or dedication (dedications are PF2e's method of multi classing without breaking the system). Gary allowed us to pick any caster class or dedication for our characters for them to qualify for the adventure.
One player announced needing to go AFK in the middle of the first session. They promised to return as soon as they could. They never returned to the session, however. And Gary kicked them without giving them a chance to explain what happened. He just automatically assumed the worst of them and kicked them before looking for someone else to play.
At one point, an adventure quest required the party tell some NPC's all we learned and experienced in our first week at the school. We thought we were supposed to role play. Instead, the GM declared we were failing to entertain the NPC's, strongly hinting that a Performance check was required.
Frustrated, annoyed, and as someone playing a bard, I dejectedly declared, "Okay, I'll roll Performance. I might be boring, but my character isn't boring." Thinking back on that moment, I realize just how much of a jerk Gary can be at times.
Most groups enjoy my characters. So, no, I am not boring, but Gary's toxicity in that moment made me think less of myself as I put those negative thoughts into words.
Another player quit shortly after that, saying nothing that I hadn't heard before. Real life stuff and schedule conflicts. Gary brought on another player shortly after.
It wasn't long before I finally decided to quit Gary's game, but that choice also involved a game I decided to try hosting for my game masters at the time as a personal thank you to them.
Part 3: Foul
At one point, I started running the adventure path, Gatewalkers . . .
Ah, Gatewalkers. I hate it. As much as I love PF2e, buyer beware! Gatewalkers is falsely advertised as a paranormal investigation in which the only mystery is . . . Where the hell is the plot? It contains disjointed side quests that randomly drag the party everywhere and all over for no reason and features a chosen one DMPC for two-thirds of an official publication that the party must protect at all costs in order to help realize the DMPC's destiny of saving the world.
Tangent aside, Gary was among the people I invited to play my game and he was grateful to me for it.
Two of my players quit and agreed to kick me from their game in which I had been a player for months. These two, in particular, didn't like my narrative style as a host or my role play as a player. They wanted to hack and slash their way through adventures in a series of combat encounters.
So, I found a couple replacements within a week of them quitting. One of the new players ended up quitting. Their lawful good paladin didn't fit the party. The character wasn't the dreadful lawful stupid type. The character reluctantly idled while the party did things they didn't like and they never tried forcing the party to do anything. The character just wasn't a good fit and the player had other obligations.
When I announced my search for another player, one of my players, who I will call, Mr. Owl, revealed that they also hosted PF2e and knew of a good player for the game. Mr. Owl is an amazing player and I can only imagine that he is also an amazing game master. He has been and continues being a great help in my ongoing attempts at hosting PF2e.
So, I interviewed this potential player and let him join. This latest player, I will call Mario, is an absolute delight in my games. Mario also made me recognize Gary's toxicity.
In chat, I mentioned how I allow just about any character build in my game within relative reason.
I am not going to go as far as allow home brew or third party content in my games, but I also refrain from banning official content no matter how rare or what a player's guide may say isn't a good fit. I prioritize player enjoyment above all else. And I will do my best to enable that through adjustments as needed.
Someone, it might have been me, mentioned how the party had lost its last two Champions. Mario jokingly suggested playing a joke character he came up with a while ago. A basketball player from Italy who somehow ended up in another world where he obtained champion powers. I laughed at the idea and half-jokingly told him that if that was what he wanted to play, he could.
Everyone was fine with the idea . . . except for Gary.
Gary privately messaged me when Mario went through with making the character. Gary told me that he did not agree with my choice and that he planned on leaving the game if he deemed Mario too much. Gary assured me that I was still welcome to play his game and that he would not make me choose between him or Mario.
Regardless, I honestly felt hurt. But I kept calm and assured Gary that I would talk to Mario if they proved disruptive with this joke character.
I am already sensing judgment from people who might be wondering why I even allowed the joke character.
The answer to that is simple. What a character is does not make them a problem. A character can be evil, chaotic, a joke, or whatever else and still function. And it likely will function because by allowing it to exist, I am enabling a player to express themselves creatively.
I experienced more stress and anxiety on the day of Mario's debut in the party than I should because I was operating under the threat of a player rage quitting. I shoved the negative thoughts aside and hosted a successful session. Mario kept his jokes minimal and exhibited quality awareness for appropriate times when to joke. He otherwise played his character as anyone ought to when using a champion, in defense of his allies to help keep them alive and force enemies to make the hard choice of either attacking the tank or attacking the tank's allies and being punished for it. After, Gary messaged me that he was okay with Mario.
Next session came up and I hoped for good things going forward. The party ended up in an encounter involving fighting a monster while crossing a river. Gary decided to do almost nothing in the encounter. If any one of his actions failed, he ended his turn, audibly expressing disinterest in doing anything. It wouldn't be the last time he did this.
Gary made bad jokes about wanting his character to die so that he could play something else, but no one found it funny. I contacted him privately and asked if he wanted to build and play something else. He never really gave me a straight answer until after his character nearly died in a session that ended with the party managing to defeat a tough enemy and heal back up.
I offered to retcon Gary's character being saved, but he finally confirmed that he wanted to keep playing his character.
Later, in Strength of Thousands, Gary got into a heated argument with a player who was having technical difficulties with their microphone that kept picking up some amount of background noise. Gary told them to use Push to Talk, the player said that they couldn't. Gary called them out on that and told them either fix the issue or leave.
Gary may have been in the right, but he sounded more aggressive than ever before. And Gary honestly made himself appear equally at fault. He had called out the new player in earshot of everyone else involved instead of discussing the matter in private. He ultimately made an awkward and uncomfortable situation even more awkward and uncomfortable.
After that session, I seriously started considering quitting the game because I was not having fun in it anymore for many reasons I traced back to Gary.
Players would ask to do things, Gary would almost always say No.
Most of what we could do was hidden behind dice rolls that if we didn't figure out, we missed out or we missed out if we didn't roll high enough.
And combat was made super not fun with Gary demanding everyone know what they want to do on their turns and do those things or end up skipped.
Instead of having engaging combats, we were all subjected to a stress-and-anxiety-filled experience that, ironically, made deciding what we wanted to do harder.
Meanwhile, back in my game, Mario had some real life stuff come up that meant he had to skip a session. And, when that session arrived, I had made a terrible mistake . . .
I was not adequately prepared for the session. I had to end the session early as a result. That was entirely my bad for which I have no excuse.
Gary decided to seize that moment to ask the other players what they thought of Mario's character. He openly expressed his negative thoughts and feelings and actually used the R word to describe another player's creative content and contribution.
He said this while I was still in the call. He said this while Mr. Owl, one of Mario's ACTUAL friends was still in the call.
Gary decided to insult another player without them even being present for it, one of my players, someone who actively supports and appreciates me as their game master to this day. Gary insulted me as a game master by continuing to question and object to my final decision on the matter after he and I were supposed to have resolved whatever issues he had.
Up until that point, Gary had not been a problem player. He had been a manageable player.
Part of my preparation to host TTRPG's was watching and reading TTRPG Horror Stories in order to better identify and neutralize threats to me, my players, my games, and my groups.
Gary had become a problem, and I made the executive decision to remove him from my game.
. . . I also quit his game.
Part 4: Epilogue
I feared how my group would react. I do not enjoy kicking players and, after I did it, I seriously questioned and doubted my choice.
I reached out to a friend outside of the group who I will call Sage. He has decades of experience at being a game master. I told him what I did and asked him if I had done the right thing. I honestly felt terrible.
Sage told me that Gary sounds like someone who lacks sympathy, empathy, and social awareness, and is someone who might not ever experience guilt or remorse or apologize for doing wrong. Sage told me that little to no good would come from keeping someone like that around. And he told me that the fact I felt bad is a natural part of having sympathy and empathy, qualities that every game master should have.
After my private talk with Sage, I explained to my group why I made the decision I made with as few details that I felt they needed. I told them that I had not made the decision lightly. I told them that Gary had been expressing toxic tendencies prior that had made me consider quitting his game. And I told them that ever since I thought of becoming a game master, I resolved to never allow a problem player to ruin a game for other players and that I would not tolerate or permit toxic behavior between my players.
My table, however virtual it might be, is a safe space and I intend to keep it that way.
Some of players expressed some concern and worry, but they assured me that they would trust me and continue playing. Mario, bless him, helped lighten the mood by remarking, 'But my character is a stupid idea, even I know that.'
And, as luck would have it, Mr. Owl, Mario, and the two other awesome players from that group continue enjoying me as their game master even months after I ejected Gary from our group.
And, to this day, Gary is the only player I have ever kicked from any of my games.
TLDR: A self-absorbed game master of Pathfinder 2nd Edition prioritized his narrative and the rules over player enjoyment while neglecting players by viewing and treating them as expendable and replaceable nobodies.
The game master prematurely ended one adventure after many of his players quit and tried hosting another in which he kicked a player. Another of his players quit while he became even more insufferable towards the people who tolerated him enough to try playing his game.
I tried being nice to him by inviting him to play one of my games as a thank you for hosting. He later disrespected me and an absent player for the player's character choice and he did it in group chat. So, I finally quit playing his game and kicked him from mine.
And players from my group continue enjoying me as their game master.

So there's this poem, "Two-Headed Calf", by Laura Gilpin:
.
Tomorrow when the farm boys find this
freak of nature, they will wrap his body
in newspaper and carry him to the museum.
.
But tonight he is alive and in the north
field with his mother. It is a perfect
summer evening: the moon rising over
the orchard, the wind in the grass. And
as he stares into the sky, there are
twice as many stars as usual.
.
which somehow gives me the same happy-cry feeling that I think we all like here. Then there's this song (that I can't find a free link to, but it's on spotify and yt music) Two-Headed Lamb by Willi Carlisle, which was inspired by and expands on the poem, and of course I had Two-Headed Boy in mind the whole time. I was at work and couldn't listen, but as soon as I put on the Willi Carlisle song the accordion made it very clear - at least, in my mind - that it was an homage to both the poem and the song.
edit, mobile formatting's a ho
edit two, dots are not part of the poem, mobile formatting is still a ho
edit three, the second edit was in line with the first one, couldn't deal