I'm eighteen years old and I feel like I can never be happy no matter how hard I try, I was sent to foster care two times because my mom was a drug addict and I was split from my siblings and can't even see them until they turn 18 because their foster parents are scumbags. I am also a trans woman which doesn't help at all, I feel like my entire my life is on pause and I can't do anything about it, and I can't bring myself to go outside because I'm terrified to do so.
I've thought about taking my own life multiple times because I just don't know how to continue living. I really want to live to see my siblings in a couple years when they turn 18 and to see what my transition will look like in a couple years but I just can't live with being depressed all the time, it feels like my entire life has been nothing but endless suffering.
Sorry if this post isn't right for this subreddit, I just had to get my thoughts out

So I'm 30 years old, and I just remembered a song I used to listen to in Jr high and high school. Problem is, I can't seem to find it. I don't remember the melody or the lyrics, but this is what I do remember:
-It was about how a woman travels the same path everyday(or lives on an island), which includes crossing a creek
-The woman can't swim and is afraid of drowning, and she comes one day to find out the water is rising, so she'll drown
-I remember it being sung by a woman, and it was a dramatic song, something forceful like a ballad
-And for some reason I remember it being Nightwish adjacent(like the same style of dramatic music)
-I also think the song ended with the woman taking off her shoes to try and swim, but she can't and they find her shoes the next day but I'm not sure.
If anyone can find this song, it would be a huge help!

In hindsight, I should have known something was wrong with The Caeles Academy of Acting.
Maybe the fact that it doesn't exist to the outside world.
This place prided itself on famous alumni it didn't actually name, and a once in a lifetime opportunity to work with the best in the business.
It's what I wanted.
More than anything.
After enduring four years of high school with barely a semblance of a drama club (we met every month, and our teacher was an alcoholic), and countless failed auditions, I was ready to take my acting career seriously. I had one year.
According to my parents, I had one year to make a living from my passion.
If it didn't work out, I would be on the first plane back to Connecticut.
It's not like they didn't trust me. I think they were just scared I wouldn't be able to financially support myself. So, I got a job right out of high school and slipped a year. Drama schools are expensive, and college’s are cut-throat on who they take on. I found Caeles Academy by accident–or, I guess it found me?
After researching cheap drama classes, auditions, academy’s, literally anything to progress my career, an ad popped up.
Not exactly flashy.
Just a date, a time, and a promise that they only take the best. I ignored it, but throughout the week, I started getting more ads. Just the words, “IMPRESS US - - JOIN CAELES ACADEMY NOW.”
Followed by, “BE WITH THE BEST, AND BE THE BEST. JOIN THE S CLASS NOW.”
When I googled the academy, nothing came up.
I gave up, clicking on the ad, which sent me straight to an application form.
I filled in my details as more of a joke. But I wasn't expecting to get an email back. Again, it was a time, a date, and that exact same tagline: “Impress us.”
However, Caeles Academy was different from what I imagined.
I was expecting a university building, or at least some modern structure. Judging from their marketing and ads, I figured they could at least afford decent premises. Though I was mistaken. When I stepped out of the Uber, I found myself staring at what looked like an abandoned office tower, a red-brick monolith in the middle of nowhere.
Which was crazy, because I swore a girl wearing a bikini had strode through the doors, with nothing but her phone, and a coffee tucked under her elbow.
According to the text sent from the academy, the auditioning rooms were on the third floor.
Tipping my head back, the checkerboard of broken windows didn't exactly instil confidence. Neither did the clunky set of automatic doors that took a while to open. It was a summer's day, and the heat was already baking through my dress, sweat sticky on the back of my neck.
I wanted to make a good impression, but the heels were a little over the top.
Though I had also seen a girl casually walk in wearing a two piece bikini.
“Well?”
Freddie’s voice made me jump. I forgot I was on the phone to him. I was excited the whole car-ride, already high on five coffees, and now I was silent. If I perceived the ‘academy’ from an objective standpoint, it definitely looked like the perfect place to be brutally murdered. But my own personal opinion was it was.. okay.
“What's it like?”
I pretended not to see a rat scuttling under an old candy wrapper.
“It's… fine.”
“Just fine?”
I could hear the smirk in my friend’s tone. He couldn't wait to tell me it was a scam, and had been reminding me all week I was essentially willingly selling myself to the black market. I was stubborn, so, fine sounded better than my initial first impression. Which was to turn around, walk away, and completely block the place from my memory.
Unfortunately, at that moment, I valued my pride over my awareness.
“It's… okay.” I said, trying to find positives. I was staring at a looming grey building with shattered windows and a resident rat living near the door. I had a hard time figuring out how the girl from earlier had just casually strode inside, barefoot too. I glanced down at the ground, immediately regretting it.
Like there weren't bits of chewing gum and grime stuck to the concrete.
“Huh.” Freddie said, his tone creeping into teasing territory. “You're really selling it.”
“It just looks like a building,” I said, my gaze glued to the rat, who looked a little too comfortable. Maybe it was a pet.
I was getting progressively more infuriated the more I stared down this place. Judging from the decades old writing ingrained into the door, it used to be a dentist surgery. “What do you want me to say?” I wasn't even trying to hide the scorn from my voice. “It's a building that looks like an academy.”
“Can you send a picture?” Freddie asked, “Ooh, wait, I'll face-time you.”
“That's, uh, that’s not really necessary–”
I was cut off, suddenly, when a guy threw himself through the automatic doors, palms first. He took two stumbled steps forwards, one back, and lifted his head, half lidded eyes on the sky, before dropping to his knees and heaving up pinkish froth. I could see him trying to hold it in, slamming his hands over his mouth, only for it to splurge through his fingers, showering the ground in greyish pink froth.
Like he'd downed a bottle of Pepto Bismol.
Inching towards him, I realized it was Pepto Bismol.
The stink made my own stomach churn.
“Missy?”
I found my voice. “Uh, can I call you back later?”
Before my friend could answer, I ended the call, slipping my phone in my pocket.
The guy was still heaving, coughing up globules of pink.
“Are you okay?”
The sound of my heels click-clacking on concrete made me cringe. The guy noticed, flinching away. Closer, and I could see his scraggly blonde hair.
He was handsome.
Without the bile spewing down his chin.
Early twenties, wearing a fitted white shirt now covered in streaks of bright pink. Part of me wanted to make a half-hearted joke, but getting even closer, so close I could smell his pepto-breath, I noticed he was trembling, his hands clenched into fists.
When I attempted to awkwardly pat him on the shoulder, he twisted around, so fast, my morning coffee slithered its way back up my throat.
His eyes were wide, almost feral, studying me like a wild animal.
I noticed the whites of his pupils were red, like he'd burst a blood vessel.
Theatre kids were intense, though I had never met THIS kind of intense.
“Are you… going in there?” The guy’s voice was a child-like whimper I wasn't expecting.
It looked like he was slowly regaining clarity, staring down at his filthy shirt, his hands stained bright pink.
I nodded, uncertainly, offering him my water. “Yeah. Did you audition?”
He shoved it away, slapping himself in the face. “I… I don't know.”
“You… don’t know?”
Suddenly, it was like something had contorted in his expression, a switch being pulled. I wasn't expecting him to twist around so fast. The guy slowly cocked his head, his lips breaking into a grin. His eyes, however, stayed the same.
“Of course I've auditioned.” He said, with a laugh.
“It was the best experience of my life! His mouth formed an almost mocking frown.
“Unfortunately, I didn't make the cut. Which is a real shame. I'm sure Caeles would have benefited from my talents.”
What was weird, is that his mouth was moving, but he wasn't even looking at me, frenzied eyes caught in an oblivion I couldn't see.
When he did look at me, his expression crumpled all over again.
Pepto jumped to his feet, brushing himself down.
I couldn't take his over the top smile seriously, when his eyes were screaming, hollowed out caverns silently begging me to listen.
This guy was fucking crazy.
“Wait.” Pepto whispered, when I turned to walk away.
He pulled out his phone, tapping the screen before shoving it in my face.
“I HAD SO MUCH FUN AT THE CAELES ACADEMY AUDITIONS :)
When I could only stare at him in confusion, Pepto’s gaze flicked to his phone, swiping bile from his lips.
His eyes went cartoon wide, like he couldn't believe what he himself was typing.
“That… that's not what I was trying to say!” He tried retyping it, but the guy was just writing strings of emoji hearts.
I didn't know what to say. I had dealt with rejection before, but I had never gone this far. Pepto was having a full on mental breakdown, his body shuddering, teeth chattering, blinking eyes and lips parting as if to speak, but choking on his words. When he started clawing out his hair, I took the opportunity to make a quick getaway.
Before I could make it to the doors, though, Pepto jumped in front of me, waving his phone directly in my face.
“Just…” he pointed at the screen. “It won't let me…” Growing frustrated with himself, he let out a wet sounding sob, clawing his fingers through his hair. “Fuck, it won't let me…it won't let me type! It's not letting me type!”
By now, he had tufts of hair stuck between his fingernails. I don't know why his first reaction was to immediately try ripping his hair out.
A quick glance at my own phone reminded me of my own audition that was in five minutes.
Meanwhile, I was dealing with what I was pretty sure was delusion, denial, or a mixture of both.
I was considering pushing past him, when Pepto’s phone screen hit me in the face. Again.
This time, though, there was coherent writing.
“FIND LUKE.”
“Luke?” I said. “Who's that?”
“Luke!” The guy was bouncing on the heels of his feet. “He's my…” Pepto drifted off, his eyes going vacant, as if I could physically see his brain being plucked from his skull. Pepto dropped his phone, and I grabbed it before it could hit the ground. His hands went to his curls, clawing, scratching, until he was drawing blood across his forehead.
“I… I don't know! I can't… I can't remember. Luke. He was my… he was my… I don't know, I can't… I can't–”
I stumbled back when he let out a shriek, scratching at his face.
“Fuck!” He whimpered. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!”
Pepto grabbed my shoulders, shaking me, his fingers digging into my skin.
“I don't know who he is.” He gritted out, pink froth pooling from his lips.
Pepto broke out into a sob. “I don't… I don't know who he is, but you can find him, right? You can… you can find…”
Again, he trailed off mid sentence, his hands going limp around my shoulders.
I managed to side step him, swallowing a cry.
“Yeah, I'll, um, I'll find him for you.”
Pepto backed away, suddenly, stumbling over himself.
His gaze found mine, vacant, like a baby deer.
“Find who?”
I didn't wait around to answer him, pushing through the doors and stepping inside.
The interior was unsurprisingly even worse than the exterior.
The elevator was broken, so I had to run up three flights of stairs.
I expected at least an attempt at an academy, even in the dregs of an old dentist surgery.
What I got, though, was a never ending staircase, obnoxious photos of teeth greeting me on every level.
The third floor was… less clinical.
I strode directly into a waiting room filled with college aged students, either sitting on plastic chairs, or standing around, rehearsing.
The room itself was cosy enough, a navy carpet and a TV playing a random Twitch stream.
Situated in the middle, was a desk with a bored looking woman behind it.
Her smile was fake. I could understand her pain. She was stuck in a room with theatre kids all day.
“Sign here.” She prodded a sheet of paper.
I was convinced her voice was AI.
While I was scribbling my details, I took a moment to notice the stark difference from the kids entering the room, to the ones leaving. The kids entering wore wide, confident smiles and were social butterflies, chatting amongst themselves.
The kids leaving reminded me of pod people.
They left the room silent, in an orderly line with dazed smiles on their faces, like they weren't sure where they were.
I watched one guy walk directly into the wall instead of taking a left toward the exit, and a girl straight up just toppled down the stairs.
The kids waiting with me named them rejects.
I wasn't convinced until I glimpsed an empty bottle of Pepto Bismol sitting on the floor by the window.
Thinking back to Pepto, that made a lot of sense.
I was still dazedly staring at the bottle, when my name was called.
Jumping to my feet, I did my best to calm myself down, straightening my ponytail. Pepto had really screwed with my head. I could barely even remember the lines I had been rehearsing for a week straight.
I was muttering my lines to myself, when I stepped through the door.
The door that apparently turned you into a pod-person on the way out.
For a moment, I thought I was blinded by stage lights.
It was so bright.
The glow bathing me was clinical, stabbing into my eyes.
When I blinked, I found myself standing in front of three shadows sitting in front of me.
Their chairs were made of leather, far different from the plastic ones in the waiting room.
So, they did have filthy cash.
I was looking at one man, and two women.
They were… average?
I expected them to be more glitzier, but they were just regular people.
The man was in his late twenties, maybe early thirties, a stiff looking brunette wearing a suit and tie, one leg crossed over the other. His eyes were narrowed slightly, lips curved into the start of a smile. Like I amused him.
The women were polar opposites.
One of them was my Mom’s age, grey hair and floral clothing. She took a sip of water, her gaze burning into me.
Google told me not to be intimidated by their stares, but it was impossible.
These people were carving holes into my skull.
Sitting next to her, a younger girl who seemed to own the color red.
Her hair simmered, blood red, while she herself was sculpted in a dress, perfect cherry lips spread in a wide smile.
With a little too many teeth.
They studied my face like I was already theirs, drinking in every inch of me.
Freddie said I had to find a weakness in their expression and use it to my advantage.
If I could find the prick of a genuine smile, I could become their favorite.
“Hi!” I said. My caffeine intake was starting to take effect.
I didn't realize I was bouncing up and down until I caught myself.
Red’s smile stretched wider.
Maybe they liked my eagerness.
“My name is Misa.” I introduced myself, staying casual, keeping my arms by my sides. “I'm twenty one years old–”
I choked on my next words when Red spoke up. “Impress us, Misa,” Her voice was a smooth, almost seductive rasp, and I felt myself fall into it, enveloped in sugar that was too sweet, and yet I couldn't stop myself. She folded her arms across her chest, her gaze challenging me to do something different. To make her want me.
“Show us something we have never seen before.” She stood up, cat-like eyes narrowing, “Show us how desperate you are to join this prestigious class.”
I nodded, and began.
I had planned a whole monologue, practised it over and over again, forcing Freddie to judge me with a none biassed opinion.
I was three lines in, when Red started laughing.
“Stop.”
I did, my cheeks heating up, and she started clapping.
“Sweetie, oh, stop, you're adorable!” She said, her lips curving into a cruel smirk.
She leaned forward, like I was something that entertained her, jostling her heeled foot. “We don't take amateurs. I think you need to go back to school.”
This woman was definitely a psychopath.
Empty eyes sparkling with a gleam that definitely enjoyed humiliating candidates, and a twisted smile that was a little too wide. Red made me want to crawl into the ground. She made me want to turn around, leave the room, and quit my dream. I was aware of my own fury, my embarrassment turning my cheeks crimson. I matched her.
Maybe that's what she wanted all along. To wear the color of her victims.
Taking a shaky step back, I started to nod, started to agree, my mouth choking with the words, “You're right. I'm sorry for wasting your time.” I had never received proper constructive criticism from a professional standpoint. Which meant I really did suck. But I didn't move. I didn't want to move, and Red continued laughing, her companions sitting in silence.
The man rolled his eyes with a loud, exaggerated sigh.
Like I was boring.
The older woman pulled out her phone.
“Misa, you are…cute.” Red said. “But you're not quite what we are looking for.”
I wasn't sure I could admit it right there, but she made me feel things.
Like I was ignited.
Like I was going to prove this crazy bitch wrong.
I found my voice, strong and confident, despite my hammering heart.
“Give me another chance.”
Red’s lips curled. “So cute, Misa. Oh, sugar bear, It would be better if you left the room. Unless you want to embarrass yourself further! In that case, be my guest!”
She turned her attention to her nails, nudging the guy.
“Dinner?” She hummed. “I'm thinking of Italian. You are quite the wine connoisseur, Nicholas. Why don't you introduce me to your favorite?”
“Hey.” I blurted.
They ignored me, getting a little too close.
I don't know why I continued, reading my lines, screaming them, so I would be heard. I read them perfectly, and tweaking the genre from drama to romance, and then to horror. I became three different characters, a high school girl struggling with cancer, a final girl, and a woman going through a divorce.
I was fucking perfect.
But they weren't listening to me, caught up in their own conversation.
I tried again.
And again.
And again.
By now, I was on my knees, my fingers ripping into my hair. I was seeing red.
“We want originality, Misa,” Red said, sucking her teeth.
Her voice crawling into my skull was enough.
She still wanted me.
The thought polluted the back of my mind, taking a strangling hold. She still wanted me. When I lifted my head, Red wasn't looking at me, her gaze on the table grains. “Show us something new.”
I got to my feet, panting, my breath in my throat.
I became a screaming, strangled mess, a woman who lost her baby.
Red’s interest was piqued. Only slightly. Through my fraying vision, she slowly turned in her chair. “Again.” She clapped her hands, “Come on, Misa! We want new! We want never been fucking done before! Are you deaf?”
I couldn't stop the sobs escaping my mouth.
They lost interest again, right in the middle of my reading.
“Why can't you look at me?” I found myself spluttering.
When the man pulled out a bottle of water, I pulled off my heel and lobbed it at his face.
“Look at me!”
He did. Slowly. His gaze found me, for perhaps the first time.
Not as an amateur, but as a potential candidate.
Around the twentieth attempt, I started to laugh. Never been done before? I could feel my fingernails already in my scalp, clawing chunks of my hair out.
Reality contorted, and I felt myself drop to my knees. I was still laughing, spluttering, sobbing. I could still hear her in my head. Never Been Done Before. I started slowly, dragging my fingernails down my face until I felt the harsh sting.
“Again.” Red said, and her voice led me to stare down at my hands, at pinkish flesh glued to my bones, fleshy mounds.
So easy to tear. I didn't even feel it.
Only the sudden, unbridled euphoria of biting into my own skin, locking in my jaw, and ripping into myself.
When I tore it from the bone, warmth filled my mouth, and I was choking, guzzling down my own flesh, mulling it in my mouth and swallowing.
I can't remember how I got so deep, and why I didn't stop.
Why I didn't fucking scream.
But it didn't matter.
Red was standing up. She was clapping, her lips spread into a grin.
Her applause filled me with stars.
So, I ripped my hair from my scalp, a hysterical giggle escaping my lips.
She loved me.
I could see her jumping up and down, clapping.
Louder, and louder.
Her applause controlled me, twisting and contorting me into hers.
I didn't even think. I wanted to impress her, and doing this was doing just that.
My fingers were delving into my right eye socket, clawing my eye out. It didn't even hurt. Not with her thundering applause that was deafening, beautiful, an orchestra in my ears.
When I was semi conscious, my eye was crushed in my hand, but my vision was still mine, almost too clear. I could see streaks of red blurred between my lashes. My hair was caught between my fingers. But I wanted to do more.
When I stumbled to my feet, Red’s smile was so beautiful.
The man, however, looked horrified.
“Someone bring in the one of the successes,” Red’s voice was a shrill giggle, “Bring him in!” she clapped her hands together, and I spat out a fleshy thing. “I want to see them together! I want to see the future in front of us!”
Footsteps coming towards me in slow, shuddery thumps. I looked up, and a shadow was dancing around me.
When I slowly rose to my feet, I half realized I’d bitten my toe off. The shadow had a face, a boy who was younger than me. I think he used to have hair, but half of it was gone, half of it was still stuck between his fists. When I found his eyes, I found twin caverns instead.
Eyes that were still physically there, and yet there was no life.
No spark.
I was staring at a dead body, a flesh puppet who had lost his strings.
When he grabbed my hands, pulling me into a waltz, I caught a smear of scarlet trickling down the back of his neck. When I followed it upwards, his head was covered, slick, dripping with red.
Like me, he matched her too.
And he was beautiful, she told me, her push, her thunderous applause, guiding me into a waltz.
His feet moved, perfecting every step, and my foggy mind couldn't understand why. He matched my every move, the two of us floating across the floor.
My feet knew the steps before my mind.
How could he dance? I thought, dizzily.
How could he dance, when smeared scarlet followed his twisting, and turning and pirouetting feet?
Because underneath that swimming clinical light, the back of the boy’s head had been carved away, a perfectly sculpted cavern where his brain should have been. I could see the severed stem, where it had cleanly plucked out.
His fingers cradled in mine were wet. Swimming in blood.
His own blood.
Spinning round and around, I imagined myself as a princess.
I saw an 18th century ballroom lit up around us. Glittering smiles and glasses of champagne, long, flowing ball gowns.
I blinked, and my head was tipped back, gliding in blood once again.
When he pulled me to his chest, I stumbled, and a name came to light.
Luke.
I had found him.
Our finishing spin left me hard to breathe.
My body was broken, ripped into, and yet somehow not.
By the time we were finished, the two of us bowing, my mind was full of fog.
Cotton candy.
“Congratulations!” Red’s smile was inhuman, stretching right off of her face.
“You're in the S class!”
I was led through a door that wasn't the one I entered from. Inside the room were a dozen or so students, kneeling on the floor. They were missing parts of themselves, like unfinished puzzle pieces.
I dropped onto my knees next to a girl without a head. I could only see her torso, but I knew she was smiling.
Looming over us, was the goddess Athena drenched in blood that was still wet.
Dripping, pooling from every crevice of her dress.
Looking closer, this statue was moving.
Something sickly crept into my mouth.
Her right eye was human, a twitching eyeball sandwiched inside the stone.
It didn't match her. It was wrong, horrifying, like a painting, a real human eye struggling to focus on us.
And then, my own gaze found the statues head, where a real human brain had been forced inside perfect white, pink, greyish mush dripping down the sculpted, slender neck.
I could see where it had been pushed, pulverised through the stone.
The statue’s singular eye found me.
Its dancing pupil jumped up and down.
Before it blinked.
Next to me, Luke was on his knees, as if in prayer.
I can't remember leaving the room.
I just remember running.
Back down the stairs, stumbling, staggering over myself.
I was screaming by the time I reached the doors.
They opened, as usual.
But I couldn't get through. I tried, but I was slamming into something I couldn't see.
Pepto was still waiting outside. The sky was dark.
When he saw me, he stumbled over, slamming his hands into the glass.
I couldn't even understand myself. I was just fucking screaming.
Pepto held up his phone.
“DID YOU FIND HIM?”
I shook my head.
“No.” I lied.
I can't tell him the truth. I don't even know what it is.
“I can't get out!”
Pepto nodded slowly, typing something and showing me his phone.
I'm getting you both out of there. I think I know how I can get inside.
It's been 3 days, and Pepto is yet to return.
I’ve tried multiple times to cry out for the H word. But it won't let me type it.
Please H me. I need to get out of this place.
Fuck. Get me OUT OF HERE.
Classes start tomorrow.

I am currently a 29 year old male and single. I've had streaks of my life where I was getting lots of women and not struggling at all. I then entered into 2 serious relationships that lasted about 5 years total (only about 6 months in between them). I am now back on the market and holy shit am I rusty. I have all of the "external" things a girl would want. 6'3, decent enough looking, in good shape, earn $300k/yr, live in a nice spot, have a golden retriever (only saying this so you guys know that every guy struggles, even if you're tall/earning a good income). I am a pretty social person with a good sense of humor as well. On paper, this all sounds great.
In practice, I've had limited success. Hasn't been a complete disaster, but nothing that I'm satisfied with and I want to get better (the girls I've had success are much lower quality than my 2 previous ex gf's). I think the main issue is that I was in a relationship for so long, I learned how to be a good boyfriend and forgot how to be single. I imagine I am coming off as too needy/available but I'm not really sure. Being a good boyfriend is a totally different skill set than attracting a woman that doesn't know you at all.
I remember when I was younger, I bought this course (Bobby Rio I think?) and it actually helped a lot. Having 1 thing to listen to/focus on worked for me, as opposed to going on YouTube where there's thousands of videos saying different things. I think I need to do that again, and rebuild my understanding of psychology around women, how to build lasting attraction, how to text women, not come off as needy etc.. I get out enough with my friend group and am on dating apps, so I don't think meeting women is necessarily the weak point here.
Any suggestions on who I should I look into/books I should read etc?? Not really looking for something that just says "focus on you bro, go to the gym and get rich and women will come bro". Moreso looking for actionable advice on how to engage with women in a way that creates attraction/desire and really provides a framework I can learn and use when I'm out there in the depths of the dating market. Any advice is welcome and thank you in advance!!

I just finished Oathbringer and am fully invested in figuring out all of the intricate details of this series that has quickly become my new obsession. I’ve loved diving into the lore and seeing how our characters have been handling growing through their serious brokenness. Just wanted to post a lot of my thoughts, ideas, and questions here. Please let me know if any of these can be answered with information through OB. Otherwise, I’m sure most of this is RAFO and I’ll see as I jump right into Dawnshard and RoW!
Radiance

• Will Kaladin even say more of the Windrunner Ideals? There is something weird going on with the Radiants and why they decided to break their oaths at the Recreance and I don’t think we have the full story yet. Perhaps we don’t need our main characters to finish all of the Ideals? Not sure.
• I’m thinking that the 4th Windrunner Ideal might be something along the lines of “I accept that I can not protect everyone” and Kal must learn to live with the fact that sometimes he will fail and it will be very hard for him.
• What is our count on number of Ideals sworn by Shallan? Shallan’s are, of course, the truths that she tells to Pattern and those include the murders of each of her parents as we found in WoR. But what more could she say? There is still a lot of mystery with her family and their ties to the Ghostbloods, especially the mother and Helaran.
• Let’s get Shallan soulcasting more! She’s been way out of practice on that end.
• What about Dalinar’s Ideals? Dalinar becoming Unity seemed to be the second of his Ideals as the Stormfather accepted his words during the Battle for Thaylen City. I’m interested to see more of his development as a Radiant. It seems that the Bondsmiths are particularly important and I want to know more about each of the three of them and what their specific roles are. Will we see the other two appear as the series goes on?
• I’m glad Dalinar learns to read and write, it’s about time we give up some of those old-fashioned Vorin ideas. I was kinda hoping his Bondsmith powers would let him learn immediately in the same way he learns other languages by touching someone who speaks it, but oh well.
• I do not think we’ve seen much of the Surges of Cohesion and Tension (Stoneward territory) and I’d love to learn more about what they are, how they work, how different Radiants manifest powers through them. The Ars Arcanum descriptions of them are vague and mysterious. Dalinar can gain the power of Tension through being a Bondsmith, but I’m not sure if we’ve seen that explicitly yet?
• Just how powerful was Dalinar’s Unity stand? Odium retreated immediately after the conjunction of the three realms. Was Odium’s claim of (paraphrase) “I though we killed you” referring to Honor, or perhaps something different? Is this one of Dalinar’s powers now, i.e., will he be able to regenerate Stormlight at his will? It seems so since he reloaded Kaladin before he flew off to recover Skar, Drehy, and co., but it seemed to be quite taxing on him.
• Man I just want to know all about the different powers that Surgebinders carry. There are 10 surges total, and if each Order of the KR can access 2, then there are 10!/(8!2!) = 45 unique combinations of two surges… too bad there are only 10 orders instead of 45 to match all combinations :( Might have been an undertaking for Brandon to create all of these orders.
• It’s been hinted that upper-level Ideals must be sworn for Radiants to get Shardplate? Maybe we’ll see that happen in RoW.
• Of course Malata is siding with some antagonists. Fits the trope that fire/destruction powers = evil. Bummer. Maybe someone else will come up who can use this power for good.
• Renarin’s bond is interesting to me. His spren is either corrupted or simply one of the Voidspren, but he still seems to maintain good intentions as a character. I’m interested to see what happens with him. Maybe not all Voidspren have to side with Odium/the Fused. He is also mentioned (secretly to Odium) in the Diagram, so he’ll obviously play an important role.
• Similarly, I’m interested in Venli’s role. Seems like she recognizes that things are off with the Voidspren and Odium. Is her spren Timbre a lightspren? Willshaper Venli? Her ties to Odium, the Listeners, the Fused, etc. will be interesting after having said the First Ideal. Especially with the Voidspren that is in her gemheart.
• Jasnah clearly is very powerful (as shown at the Battle for Thaylen City) and it was an interesting choice to make her queen. I’d have figured she would want to devote her time to her scholarly work rather than dealing in politics, but we’ll see how it goes I guess. Might be hard to find time to mentor Shallan on Soulcasting too.
• Man we gotta find a way for Lift to either take in Stormlight in the normal way or to just get her a huge duffel bag full of food all the time, especially during battles.

Gods, Heralds, all things of power:

• What are the different “levels” of power that each of the gods possess? Honor has obviously been killed, but I get the sense that he might still be able to “come back” through DalinaStormfather? I don’t know. These gods can be killed I guess, so not quite true God-gods, just some supremely powerful beings.
• What are the motivations of these different gods (Odium, Cultivation, pre-death Honor, others)? It’s hard to get a reading on why Odium wants to be so involved with the Singers’/Listeners’ return instead of just existing as a god somewhere. I know he’s trapped somehow, hence the barter with Dalinar, but like why does he cause so much mischief in the first place? Just his nature I guess?
• Wit has got to be up here with this crew of gods, no?
• Who is Rayse? We hear about him through the letters exchanged with Wit in the epigraphs, but still so mysterious. Again, what are these higher-beings’ motivations? Perhaps his role is clearer by reading some of BS’s other books prior to the SA?
• I do believe that Adonalsium is the true OG God, and he somehow split into “Shards” that might be these other gods known as Honor, Odium, Cultivation, etc., but that is surmised through some reading online. Not sure exactly where that information has come out and what I need to read for better background on this. How did the Shattering occur? Why did the Shards gain sentience? Why do they have different personalities and motivations?
• This Voidlight is mysterious still. How is it different in nature to normal Stormlight? Can Knights Radiant take it in the same way? Can the Fused take in regular Stormlight? I don’t think it’s been explicitly stated, but this must be what was in the sphere that Gavilar gave the Szeth on the night of the assassination. Also is that sphere the same thing Navani hinted at when Dalinar showed her the Nergaoul-infused King’s Drop?
• I’m interested to find out why are Honorspren looked down upon in Shadesmar at the moment.
• Szeth’s blade Nightblood is very different — talks to him, needs to be sheathed instead of vanishing, has a very skewed sense of time, drains color. People on Reddit have recalled this blade from Warbreaker, which I have not read yet, and thus already know about it, Vivenna/Azure, and Zahel, among others.
• I am hoping that the Heralds are able to make somewhat of a recovery from their insanity and we can see them in power. Too bad Jezrien has been killed. I was looking forward to his return in particular. Nale is… coming around? We got a few glimpses of Ash in Oathbringer, and I realized she is the same character as the woman destroying paintings in the WoK interlude. Taln is so noble… was not even mad about holding the gates for 4.5 thousand years, just happy to have given humans the time to develop. Taravangian hinted that Dova in Kharbranth is Battar. Seems like Ishar will come into play given all his mentions in Oathbringer. Haven’t heard much (or don’t remember) much of the others (Kalak, Pailiah, Vedel, and Chanarach), but hopefully they show themselves soon!
• Ok, so the secret came out that the humans are the Voidbringers and came from another planet that they destroyed and caused a lot of problems here on Roshar. The timeline for this is confusing to me. If the humans are the invasive species, then why were the Heralds created in the first place? It’s my understanding that the Heralds (or all of the ones we’ve seen so far) are human. The old story says (or implies) that the Heralds were created to bring an end to the Desolations. So does that mean that the humans invaded, then Honor gave a handful of them additional powers (Surges) to help exterminate the Singers and the other Rosharan inhabitants? And then, of course, the formation of the Knights Radiant. When did they come about? Did the Heralds fight for a few hundreds/thousands of years before the KR were formed or were they around earlier? I’m missing the motivations of the gods here… why would Honor create these powerful beings to help invade a new planet? Not very honorable if you ask me. What kinds of powers did the early Listeners have that required the use of Surgebinding to defeat? How do the Voidspren and Fused play into this? Are they native Roshar spren that are just angry at being taken over by humans with their bonds to other higher spren? Something is fishy with the relationship between the Listeners and the Voidspren — they banished them at risk of being enslaved for thousands of years. Most of the Listeners are rightfully angry at the humans for millennia of enslavement, but very few actually want to kill the humans. Rather, they seem content to just cohabit Roshar. I am hoping for further clarification in RoW.
• The Unmade are so fascinating to me. They are described as being of Odium, but do not necessarily want to remain tied to him, some of them having minds of their own, fueled by the specific Passions relevant to them. Interesting how these powerful spren will continue to influence Roshar. Also being made, then unmade?? What’s that all about?
• Cultivation is being foreshadowed a lot and I am wondering what her influence will be in the coming books. She had the interaction with Dalinar in his flashback, but they talk about her so much more than just referring to this one instance. The Nightwatcher’s powers (with the boons/curses) are still so interesting to me too.
• Have we seen Odium’s analog to the NightwatcheStormfather? I’m assuming that if Cultivation and Honor have these more-powerful spren, then so will he. Maybe you could consider the Unmade to satisfy this role?

Secret Organizations:

• Ghostbloods — I feel like we’ll get a lot of info. on these guys soon. We know somewhat little about them. Members include Mraize and Iyatil, both mysterious, and members of House Davar. They are good at finding Honorblades and Heralds. Lots and lots of secrets. They’re gonna keep on manipulating Shallan it seems… hopefully she can maintain an upper edge.
• The Diagram — I am inclined to think that the Diagram may be right, but I am hoping that it’s flawed. Interesting that there were parts of the Diagram that even Odium couldn’t see (Renarin’s name). Seems they have good intentions, but are ultimately perilous to our protagonists through their means to save Roshar and, thus, are “bad guys”. I seems to me that Taravangian just wants what’s best for Roshar, and it’s too bad his one day of genius has painted all of our main characters as roadblocks/liabilities/etc. Always so sneaky, Taravangian, but also very interesting. I hope he has another day of brilliance, I loved reading the day on Urithiru where he was quite intelligent (still not the same as the Diagram day, of course).
• Sons of Honor — my least favorite of the secrete organizations tbh. Glad Amaram is dead after being infused by the Unmade (can’t remember which one. Yelig-Nar maybe?). Amaram seemed to have met with Odium prior to the battle for Thaylen City though… is that consistent with the SoH or did he break off from the group to do this? Other members of SoH that we know of so far?

Bridge Four:

• The connection between squires and radiants is still kinda vague to me. What are the requirements for these squires to become full Radiants, if at all?
• I think Rock may be my favorite B4 member, so earnest and kind, doesn’t want to hurt anyone. And a good cook. I’d like to know more about his past, his family, really all about the Horneaters. I could tell right away that he’d be pretty distraught over having to take the Amaram kill shot.
• Love Skar and Drehy’s connection with Adolin.
• Teft has gotta figure out his firemoss shit
• How can you not love the Lopen?

Other mysteries and thoughts:

• Aimia — what happened here? What caused its destruction? It’s hinted in Mythica that one of the Unmade, the mysterious Dai-Gonarthis, may have caused the destruction of this country. There are still secrets lying in Akinah as suggested by the Oathbringer interludes that I’d love to discover more about.
• What of the Aimian people? Reading online hints that there are two types, iirc. The only things I remember are of Axies the collector and the Sleepless that Lift encounters in Edgedancer. I remember being thoroughly spooked by him, hordelings crawling around all the time. Perhaps as intended, every time there is mention of cremlings in the main SA series, I think it’s one of the Sleepless keeping an eye on things (Taln’s kidnapping at the end of WoR, e.g.).
• Zahel has a lot to yet reveal in these books. I feel like he’s pretty dang powerful and should have a bigger role in all of this.
• The country of Natanan is somewhat interesting right now too. Still surviving as a city-state over so close to the Origin. How are they doing? I want more on them too.
• There’s some sketchy stuff going on at the Origin too. We’ve got information about that story (from Wit’s story in WoK if I remember correctly) that people may live there and have their own kingdom and whatnot. This place gets hinted at from time to time. Was the Oathbringer interlude about the lighthouse taking place here?
• There’s something going on in the Horneater Peaks. There is a Perpendicularity there, but I feel that can’t be all.
• What’s the deal with the Greatshells? They seem important and… wise? Perhaps some relation to the Chasmfiends (unless they’re classified as Greatshells too? I’m mostly thinking of those that live in/near the Reshi Isles).
• So much of the Cognitive realm/Shadesmar still needs to be explored and understood from our perspective.
• Will the assassin hired by Jasnah on the night of Gavilar’s assassination come into play again? Can’t remember her name rn.
• Speaking of that day… why were the Heralds (Nale and Ash? Any more?) at the party?
• Who is Restares and why did Gavilar think he may have been involved with his murder? Is there some deeper involvement by House Sadeas in the assassination of Gavilar as well?
• We still don’t know the full details of Gavilar’s plan. What was he up to? The Listeners killed him for the desire to bring back their gods (which has proved disastrous), but what else was he getting into? He had clear ties to the Sons of Honor I think.
• Will Adolin be able to revive Maya and perhaps gain some Radiant powers?? I’m rooting for it to happen.
• Man, what’s going on over in the West? Iri and Rira just decided to submit to the Voidspren/Listeners immediately? And Shinovar is going to have an interesting story with it being the first-landing of humans and the storage space for most of the Honorblades for thousands of years.
• Wit found a Pattern at the end of part 5 and mentioned some of the First Ideal (interesting…). He’s always going to be a mystery to me, I fear. But also easily one of the, if not the, best character in the series.

PC

Reddit Account: u/TheSacredGroves
Discord Tag: justinkayce
Name and House: Roland, of House Arryn
Age: 28
Cultural Group: Andal
Appearance: Tall, lean, well-muscled, handsome, fair - Roland is the portrait of a Knight of legend, of the Winged Knight come again. Harsh sky-blue eyes, severe cheekbones, and the familial aquitaine nose give him a cold and distant look - but one frequently broken by his warm and gentle smile. He keeps his pale-blonde hair long and his jaw clean shaven, accentuating the lines of his face. Roland is always neat and clean, his armour burnished and his threads well-tailored and fashionable.
Trait: Blademaster
Skill(s): Swords (e), Andal Knight (e), Essosi Blademaster
Talent(s): Dancing, Hawking, Singing
Negative Trait(s): -
Starting Title(s): Knight of the Gate
Starting Location: King's Landing
Alternate Characters: n/a

Bio-Timeline

• 3 BC: Roland Arryn is born to King Joffrey I Arryn and his wife, Queen Sharra. The third son, Roland's birth firmly secures the succession - fortunately timed considering his father's death later that year.
• 1 BC: The Conquest passes the two year old Roland by, the only impact on him being the squall he raised when Vhagar landed atop the Eyrie.
• 1-4 AC: The post-conquest world is the only one Roland knows, and he grows up in a household dedicated much to it. House Arryn in this period is an odd family, to say the least. Sharra Arryn's attentions are much divided and she has less time than a mother normally would for her third son; Roland is mostly raised by the medley of the Arryn Household and Court and is well-moulded by that as the expectations of maester, septon, courtiers, knights, servants, begin to be shape him into what an Arryn 'should' be in the eyes of their people.
• 5 AC: Roland struggles to find his place as a third son with little direct supervision. It is decided early that he does not have the smarts to become Septon nor Maester... but even as a youth Roland has a keen interest in the training yard, often an annoying shadow to his eldest brother and his squire friends. However, even at eight years old it is clear there is a natural talent to the boy - and when he defeats a squire four years older than him in a training bout in the presence of Lord Corbray, the famed Raven Knight, takes the precocious boy on as a page.
• 6 AC: Roland is by Lord Corbray's side when he tracks down the Root Father. Now a newly minted squire, Roland ignores his knight's orders to remain with the horses and sneaks after them. He kills his first man there, taking a clansman from behind as he in turn tried to attack the Raven Knight from the back. It is not an honourable kill or a clean death, and Roland is badly injured in the scuffle - but he survives. Lord Corbray is furious, and fiercely instils in Roland the importance of fighting with chivalry and honour. He almost abandons Roland, but his tearful begging convinces the Raven Knight that Roland is genuine in his regret.
• 7 AC: Visenya Targaryen's visits to the Eyrie become more frequent, and Roland's wariness of the stern, dragon-riding pagan is overcome by his fascination with said dragon, her skill with the blade... and his mother's growing closeness to the Queen. Visenya becomes something of a second mother to Roland, and her influences war with Lord Corbray's own. From Lord Corbray, Roland learns chivalry, honour, piety, and how a true Andal Knight should act. From Queen Visenya, Roland learns the importance of victory, and an understanding that wars must be won - he learns practicalities and realities. It is a schism within Roland that troubles him, but from both he learns the blade and even at ten it is more and more obvious there is something special about Roland. He quarrels sometimes with his brothers. Jonos, as even at ten, Roland could find little but disdain for his scheming, sneering, brother, and Ronnel as again even at ten, Roland already began to see himself as the better sword (and grows envious that Ronnel gets to adventure and party while Lord Corbray keeps Roland on a much tighter leash).
• 10 AC: Roland learns of his mother's death while at Heart's Home. He returns home swiftly, and his grief is overwhelming. There are few Roland can turn to; Ronnel is concerned with his marriage and rulership, Arwen retreats into the forests, and Jonos is Jonos. Roland relies further on Visenya, who has experienced such grief herself recently and guides Roland through it. Her place as a mother to Roland is confirmed in utterance. To distract himself, Roland throws himself fully into his training and an ensuing victory at a squire's melee at the age of ten and three sparks his reputation as a squire to watch across the Vale.
• 12 AC: Roland, at ten and five, wins the squire's tourney at Maiden’s Bay. He is stopped from sneaking into the higher tourneys by Lord Corbray, much to Roland's chargrin and his demand to be knighted is refused. His calamitously sized ego is rapidly deflated by the Eyrie's Septon and Queen Visenya, who pick him apart and teach him between them the values of humility, and the value of letting ones abilities speak for themselves. Roland does his best to control his pride in the future; ego is rarely ever an issue from him.
• 13 AC: While the honour of the day goes to the Cavaliers, Roland Arryn wins his spurs when the Painted Dogs are crushed under the Moon Gate, killing near as much as the Cavalier Superior herself. That his knighthood was overshadowed by an order of women warriors initially irritated Roland, but recalling his lessons from the last year, he happily shared the honour alongside them and was one of the voices that petitioned his brother to replace the Keeper with the Cavaliers. Knighted, Roland joins the Brotherhood of the Winged Knights and although young, is a key figure in helping rejuvenate the Brotherhood.
• 14 AC: Roland is betrothed to Alayne Waynwood; their romance is one from the storybooks, an instant and deep connection from the moment of meeting.
• 15 AC: Roland and Alayne wed as soon as they turn ten and eight. Part in celebration and part as dignitaries, the pair go to King's Landing together as guests of Lord Orys' great hunt for his son's coming of age. At the Kingswood Catastrophe, Roland saves Orys' life, but Alayne is slain defending other noblewomen. Roland hunts down, duels, and kills the King of the Wood afterwards. He is offered the Whitecloak for his service; on advice from Visenya, he declines, claiming his family needs him and he can defend Laenor and Visenya just as well in the Vale.
• 16 AC: Roland withdraws into mourning for a year, taking up a brutal campaign of bandit hunting in the Vale to cope with his grief.
• 17-18 AC: Roland returns to his brother's side, continuing to help rebuild the Brotherhood of the Winged Knights and slowly coming to terms with Alayne's death. He begins to more keenly ride the tourney track between his duties, earning a reputation as a fine lance alongside his growing reputation as one of the greatest knights in the realm.
• 19 AC: With Roland settling into his knightly role, Ronnel names him Knight of the Gate, with the downside of forcing Roland to have to keep a firm hand on Jonos from time to time when their brother is exiled to the Gate for yet another slight. The relationship between Jonos and Roland sours; where Ronnel threatens Jonos with exile or the Wall, Roland threatens him with death.
• 20 AC: Requested personally by Visenya, Roland tries to take on Prince Laenor as a squire. They are utterly ill-suited to the role, and after many frustrating failed training sessions in the yard, Roland gives up, labelling the Prince untrainable. The relationship between the two almost-siblings sours, but Roland works to repair the rift he created between them with much kinder words.
• 21 AC: Roland develops a relationship with a fellow Knight of the Vale, Colmar Corbray - the son and heir of the aging Raven Knight. Colmar has a fire in him that Roland can't help but seek, and he excuses Colmar's many flaws far too readily. It is a secretive bond, and toxic, but Roland does not believe he deserves better after letting Alayne die.
• 22 AC: The Winged Knights are whipped into fervour as yet another piece of the ancient armour is found. Roland himself dreams of perhaps finding more. Inspired my tales of the armour, the Brotherhood grows even further and in order to keep a firm hand on them, Ronnel makes Roland their Commander.
• 23 AC: Roland and Colmar's relationship deteriorates, ending in a duel that sees Colmar humiliated but, thankfully, alive. The two men hate each other from then on.
• 25 AC: Roland rides by his brother's side to King's Landing.

Family Tree

AC

Name and House: Marla of Gulltown
Age: 34
Cultural Group: Andal
Appearance: Broad and strong with well-calloused hands, Marla is as obvious a blacksmith as Roland is a knight. She keeps her brown hair tied severely back, framing her dour face with its squinting brown and wide mouth that wears an almost perpetual frown.
Trait: Artisan (Weapons)
Skill(s): Craftsman (e weapons; e armor)
Talent(s): Whittling, singing, maintenance of arms and armour
Negative Trait(s): -
Starting Title(s): King's Landing
Starting Location: Master of the Armoury of the Bloody Gate

Timeline

• 9 BC: Marla of Gulltown is born to a master-armourer in Gulltown
• 1 BC: Marla begs her father to help as his assistant as he tries to deal with the massive increase in orders thanks to the Conquest; he reluctantly agrees. Her older brother dies when Vhagar burns the Vale's fleet.
• 2 AC: Marla secretly goes out to work her father's forge at night, practicing at smithing - and finding herself something of a prodigy.
• 6 AC: Her father dies of a weak heart. Marla and her mother discover his great gambling debts, and no money saved for them. They keep her father's death a secret as Marla works the forge to complete his current orders - what comes after that, no one knows.
• 7 AC: Somehow, the charade is kept up. Marla's father is portrayed as a recluse who has devoted himself to his work and the Smith and will see no one in person. This mystery increases the shop's popularity, and many marvel at how greatly his work has improved since taking up this holy vow of solitude.
• 10 AC: A young merchant attempts to woo Marla and is rebuffed. Spying on her, he discovers her secret, and spreads it through Gulltown. The reputation of the shop collapses, and Marla and her mother flee ahead of those furious at the deception, the Faith angry that they had been used, and the law's punishment for fraud. They flee to Pentos.
• 11 AC: Marla finds work with a Qohorik blacksmith, an old master, now drunk and washed up. He teaches her all he knows. Helping each other back to their feet, the pair set up a proper shop, once more, together.
• 15 AC: The old blacksmith dies; Pentos proves to be unfriendly in its business to a woman by herself without the old master by her side. Despairing, Marla hears about the Cavaliers of the Vale, and reckons that if her home will now accept female knights, surely they'll accept a female blacksmith.
• 16 AC: Marla returns to the Vale with her mother. She avoids Gulltown and instead heads to the Gates of the Moon, seeking to offer her services to the Cavaliers. She is accosted by vengeful Painted Dogs on the way, and saved by the miraculous intervention of Roland. He offers to accompany her to the Gates of the Moon, where Marla is gladly accepted.
• 17 AC: Having forged arms and armour for Roland as well, which Roland raves over, Roland has his brother take her on as the Arryn's personal smith and armourer.
• 19 AC: When Roland is given the Bloody Gate, he begs Marla to come with him, who agrees in part. The smith spends her time between the two Gates and the Eyrie, overseeing the arms and armours of all the Arryn forces. Mostly remaining at the Bloody Gate, Marla becomes an integral part of the Winged Knights.
• 20-24 AC: Marla is regularly persuaded to accompany Roland to yet another tourney to help maintain his arms and armour. She grumbles, but secretly enjoys the competitions. Tales of the Winged Knights armour fascinate the Blacksmith, and with her small amount of Qohorik experience she helps verify the pieces as true Valyrian Steel. Her and Roland worsen each others obsession with tracking down the rest.
• 25 AC: Marla rides to King's Landing with her Lord and Knight, ready to work her magic if Roland breaks his armour yet again.

Supporting Characters

• Septon Gernot, 41 (Medic) - Septon of the Gate
• Maester Guy, 42 (Scholar) - Maester of the Gate
• Ser Martin Donnerly, 36 (General) - Castellan of the Gate

First / Previous / Next
Before anyone could say anything else, there was a blinding flash of white light. The Dreadnought appeared directly in front of them, impeding their progress. Stormy fired the thrusters and tried to duck underneath.
"Get back into your seats! I'm going to link away again." Northern and Zhe dove towards their seats and bucked back up, but before Stormy could link, there was a clatter and a shudder throughout the ship. New alarms sounded throughout the ship, a kind of wailing trilling noise. It was incredibly loud.
"What's that Stormy?" Zhe clapped her hands over her large ears. "Can you turn it down any?"
"It's... It's a grapple. We've been grappled!" Stormy's rage permeated her voice. "Those were banned centuries ago! I can't believe they used a grapple on us."
"Can we do anything?" Fen asked. She looked down at her screen. There were new spots of orange on the readout where the grapple was damaging the hull.
"Our options at this point are to allow us to be taken aboard, or blow the reactor." Northern shook her head. "They've got us."
"Stormy, might as well disconnect and come up here. I don't want them doing anything to you." Fen closed her pad with a snap. She looked at Zhe and Northern. "Sorry."
Zhe shook her head. "Nothing to be sorry about, Fen. We're in this together."
Northern nodded. "Despite myself, I do find that I like you two. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. It's not your fault Fen."
Fen sighed. "Yeah, but if I wasn't a clone of the first Empress..."
"There's no way these people know that Fen. They're just after their current Empress and probably think we know something about it. I'd say just answer their questions mostly honestly." Northern ticked off points on her long fingers. "We saw her on Picaresque, we went out drinking, we partied with her and her honor guard, and in the morning we left. None off that is a lie."
Stormy walked into the Command Deck and looked around. Finding a seat, she sat down and buckled in. "The four of us is enough to operate a frigate of this size without raising too much suspicion. They shouldn't ask about whether we have an AI pilot."
Zhe's ears flicked in surprise. "Really? Only four people?"
She nodded. "It's just about the bare minimum, but it's possible. It could be explained away that we're a new merc group and haven't taken on more crew yet. These kind of ships are meant to be run lean and mean anyway."
Fen wasn't so sure, but she couldn't do anything else.
They waited.
About 30 minutes later, there was a pounding on the airlock. Fen unbuckled and went to the lock. Peering through the window she saw three armored spacesuits. She toggled the intercom. "Yes?"
"Human Imperial Navy. Open up please. We have some questions for you."
Please? That was interesting. "Why did you grapple me? You could have used your radio."
"The Admiral wishes to speak to you in person."
They did not elaborate further.
The voice of the suited person sighed. "Look. If you just open the doors, it'll go better for you. We won't even restrain you. You just open up, we bring you to the Admiral and then we let you go once she's happy with the answers."
"And if I don't open the lock?"
"Then we force it open, capture you, restrain you-" They hold up some metal zip cuffs. "-and still bring you to the Admiral. Only now, your ship is damaged and you can't leave once she's finished speaking. Your choice."
Fen cut the intercom. "Fuck." she said to nobody, and pressed the purge button. Both airlock door snapped open and there was a puff of air as the pressures equalized. Fen's ears were pained for a moment, but she swallowed and her ears popped.
The guard lifted their helmet. It was two men and a woman who looked so similar they could have been related. The woman smiled. "Thank you, really. My name is Lieutenant Shelly Cooper. What's yours?"
"I'm Captain Fenchurch Whitehorse, but please call me Fen."
"Very well, Fen. Who else is aboard?"
"The rest of my crew. They're on the Command Deck. There are four of us."
That caused Lieutenant Cooper to raise an eyebrow, "Four? That's it?"
Fen smiled awkwardly. "I wasn't able to hire anymore crew than that. Believe me when I say I've been trying." It wasn't a lie, not really. Fen found that there weren't many people who were willing to sign on to an unproven merc company, even if they were a couple years old.
The Lieutenant turned to one of the men behind her. "What did the bioscan say?"
He looked down at a pad strapped to the arm of his suit and tapped at it with a gloved hand. "She's not lying. Ship is empty except for the command deck."
"Curious." Cooper stared hard at Fen. "Have we met? Are you from Sol? You seem familiar to me."
"I don't see how. I grew up in a Gren station, far outside of Colonial space." Again, it wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth. Of course people in the military would know what the first Empress looked like.
"Hmm. Okay. If your crew agrees to keep the reactor powered down and be powered by an umbilical, they can stay confined to the ship and you accompany us. Deal?"
"Yes, I agree to those terms. Let me go tell my crew."
Lieutenant Cooper nods. "You have three minutes."
Fen hurries back to the command deck. "The Admiral wants to talk to me. They said you can stay here so long as you agree to be powered only by their umbilical."
Zhe stood up and crossed her arms, her tail swishing irritatedly. "It won't matter, because we're coming too."
Northern looked to Zhe and sighed, but only a little. "We can't leave you out to dry, Fen. We'll come along too. How bad can it be? Plus, if we come with you we can't suffer "an unfortunate accident" in the hangar."
Fen exhaled. She hadn't realized she was holding her breath in. "Thanks Northern, Zhe." She turned to Stormy. "You're welcome to come along, but I also know this isn't your thing. We had just hired you after all."
Stormy looked at Northern who shrugged with her eyes. "Up to you."
She runs her hands over her face. "Fuck, me. I swear Northern, you know how to pick them." Stormy stands up and smiles. "I'll come along, what the hell. Sitting on the ship was going to be boring by myself anyway."
The four of them went to the airlock, and Fen went up to Lieutenant Cooper "I spoke to my crew, and they want to accompany me."
Lieutenant Cooper throws up her hands. "Fine, I guess we'll just give you the VIP tour on the way." She gestures out towards the hangar. "Here is the hangar, where we store our smaller ships and boats, as well as the frigate of a merc captain we captured that the admiral wants to speak to and offered to let her crew stay onboard but they want to follow their captain to the ends of the galaxy."
Fen crossed her arms, but said nothing.
"Come on then. We'll find you some more chairs or something." Lieutenant Cooper turned on her heel and walked out of the hangar, without waiting for them to follow. The two guards with her looked at each other and one of them gestured for them to follow.
Not too far from the hangar, Lieutenant Cooper came upon a small conference room. She opened the door and led them inside. As they sat, a steward came by with a small cart of drinks. Fen was offered and accepted a coffee, and they went around offering beverages. Lieutenant Cooper also took a coffee, but everyone else abstained.
Cooper took a sip and looked down at the comm on her wrist. "The Admiral will be here shortly. Please be respectful. She's... lived a long life and doesn't suffer fools. If you want to make it back to your ship, answer her questions quickly and honestly."
Fen wasn't halfway through her coffee with the door chimed. Lieutenant Cooper stood. "This is where I leave you. The guards will wait outside the door and - should you be able - will escort you back to your ship." Her face was odd. She looked worried, and also like she felt bad for them. Just what kind of person was this Admiral?"
The door whooshed open and the Admiral strode in. She was about the same height as Cooper, maybe a few centimeters taller than Fen. Her hair was blond streaked with grey and she wore it clipped very short on the back and sides and a little longer in the front. She wore her hat at an angle that probably was against regulations. Her uniform was immaculate and her chest bulged with medals. She had a hard, but not unattractive face, lined with time. As she entered, she looked down at everyone sitting, and as she passed over them she stopped at Fen, and her breath caught.
"You are dismissed, Lieutenant."
Cooper saluted sharply. "Yes, Admiral."
"Dismiss the guards as well. I will not need them."
"Admiral? With all due respect-"
The Admiral turned to face Cooper and stared at her. Without saying anything at all, Fen could feel her shouting at the Lieutenant. Her gaze was withering. Cooper swallowed and saluted again. "Yes, Admiral."
The door closed behind her and the Admiral's demeanor immediately changed. She shrank down a little, looked older, less hard. She strode around the room and glanced down at the carafe of coffee. She poured herself a cup and sat at the head of the table. While everyone watched, rapt. She took a sip and placed it down on the table without a clink. She looked at Fen.
"You look like her, you know? I can see that you're different. A product of your upbringing. It's your eyes, and the way you carry yourself. I can see so much of her though. It's a little spooky."
Fen blinked. Whatever she expected, it wasn't this. "You know I'm a clone of the first Empress?"
The admiral laughed. Her voice was surprisingly musical. "Fen, I knew Melody. I was friends with her. I... I was on a different ship when she was killed. I became Empress after her."
Stormy gasped. "No. No way. She retired to Venus, and let her daughter reign. She would be over five hundred years old. You're not her."
The admiral smirked. "If you know all that, then you know that the Nanites can extend life. I can't do the Voice anymore, and it's been more than two centuries since I carried a crown and wings, but I am still me.
Northern turned and stared at Stormy. "Who is it, Stormy?"
The admiral spread her hands wide. "I am Empress Helen Raaden, First of Her Name, Ruler of Sol - Retired."

Here’s the death list according to multiple sources.
The tornado claimed it’s first death around 1:00/1:01 pm in between Ellington and Redford in Reynolds County when it killed 49 year old Samuel Flowers as he was riding his horse with his dog from Ellington back to his farm in Redford. Both his horse and dog survived the tornado, and 1% of the population of Redford was killed.
The tornado then entered Iron County where at 1:15 pm it struck Annapolis. 21 year old Merrill Raymond Stewart was killed by flying timber and being crushed by debris as he was standing in the Main Street and 33 year old. Orso Kelly whose house set in the western valley of Leadanna ie the border between Annapolis and Leadanna was killed when the tornado’s winds blew him from the porch of his house and into the creek where his head was slammed against a tree killing him. He was the only one who got a death certificate which said the tornado killed him in Iron County as all of the other victims got other causes to their death on their death certificates. 2 more unidentified were killed in Annapolis The tornado then hit Leadanna killing 2 people who were above ground including a husband of one of Clara Brown née Lewis’s cousins and a unidentified. Also killed in the area was another niece of Carl Brown’s. In total 7 people, 4 in Annapolis, 2 in Leadanna, and 1 in the area were killed by the tornado.
The tornado went though Madison County without any deaths as it missed most of the populated areas such as Cherokee Pass and Cornwall.
Around 1:26 pm it entered Bollinger County. And a few minutes before 2:00 pm it was reported just a few miles north of Patton. The tornado then crossed the Whitewater River and at 1:45 pm it destroyed the Conrad School killing 10 year old John Fulton and injuring his teacher and 16 students. It then hit the 2 story Fellows farmhouse killing 1 year old Harley E Fellows from a deep gash through his skull and his 14 year old cousin Perry N Fellows who was killed in the wreckage. Meanwhile nearly 3 miles south of the in between distance of the Conrad School and Fellows Farmhouse, 50 year old Amanda Emma Hanners née Bollinger became a indirect victim of the tornado when she died of a heart attack that the tornado caused. The tornado then went through Lixville and exited quickly. Then at 2:00 pm multiple places in Bollinger County will all be hit and multiple people will be killed by the Tornado at the same time. East of the Lixville’s founder, judge Louis Lix’s concrete home the Garner School was hit and destroyed with the teacher injured, 16 students injured, and another student 7 year old Trula C Henry will died of her injuries a week later on March 25th. Irene E Clements who was less than a year old was killed while she was in her mother’s arms as every building on her family’s farm was destroyed. Finally on the Bollinger County/Schumer Springs, Perry County border 24 year old Grant Oster Miller was killed at his barn which was destroyed. Also killed somewhere in Bollinger County was an unidentified. In all of Bollinger County 8 barns were destroyed and 8 were killed.

In advance: I'm sorry if this makes no sense context wise and it gets long, but I'm pretty emotional writing this. I feel like I'm standing infront of the shambles of my life right now, at a point where I'm supposed to be happier than ever.
And truth be told, I am outwardly "ok" most of the time, which I'm not faking per se. But I am terrified of what's going on in my head.
I'm a young woman roughly in my early twenties, pregnant, together with my childhood boyfriend and love of my life, financially secure, working my dream job etc.. But on the other hand I'm also a survivor of childhood religious abuse and a veteran. I've been diagnosed with Autism in early childhood and with PTSD after those ordeals.
I asked to be pulled from my last deployment in a war zone (and later service at large) after I made an unsuccessful attempt on my life. When I got home my boyfriend, with whom I've been with since we were 12-13, was right there by my side the entire time. He's the reason I'm still here. He was the one who physically attacked my parents when they threw me to the ground and kicked me upon finding out that we were having sex at age 18. He, as an adult, took a slap across the face from my lunatic of a mother, because he, someone who isn't religious, took their precious daughter. That's the same mother who'd say that symptoms of my Autism were my Yetzer Hara (innate inclination to evil in Judaism) and so on. My mother was always the worst, but curiously enough, both my parents were actually rarely physical. They were just incredibly evil with words. My first bullies, basically. Despite all this, my boyfriend supports that I still hold contact to them for the sake of my little siblings, who I love dearly. But despite that love, I've found myself unable to interact with them recently. It is just so incredibly painful to see how different my parents are with them and how my little siblings, who are to young to know what was done to me, adore them without a single condition. The only truly good person in my family is my paternal grandfather. He basically adopted me and my partner as his own, taught us what Judaism is really supposed to be like and gifted my partner, who is incredibly respectful of my faith, an old Kippah of his. He's truly always been my partner in crime, united by the dislike for the rest of our family. He's also the only one who knows and will know about the baby. I am so ready for the family drama that will unfold when they find out that that me, my partner and our child will inherit everything and that I'm his sole medical and financial proxy should he ever be unable to do stuff himself anymore.
My pregnancy was unplanned, but it was a happy "surprise" (can you be surprised about the pill failing after two days of a stomach virus?). Unfortunately my second thought after the initial excitement of seeing the positive test was how this would burn every last bridge to my family. Again, my partner is nothing short of amazing and will be an awesome dad, but he's and his family are the only ones I have. I don't have my mom or any other female relatives. I love my defacto mother-in-law, who has always been more of a mother to me than my real mom, but having to talk to her about pregnancy stuff not always because I want to, but because she's the only one I got is incredibly sad. My family, except for my grandfather and possibly my siblings when they are adults, will never find out about this baby, ever. I am genuinely afraid of what lengths they would go to.
My partner, who has always been there for me, is in a very tough situation right now, so it obviously my turn to step up. He's a professional athlete, who's had two mayor injuries this season, one involving surgery on his shoulder. Issue being, he's also allergic to pretty much every single conventional painkiller out there and he's had to take painkillers continuously since October. Result being, stomach ulcers. Severe pain 24/7, nights spent awake with him vomiting blood. I, with a medical background, was a loss for what to do at times and thought I'd lose him more than once. Objectively speaking, I've seen much worse in the military, but it hits so different when it's a person you love more than anything. And he continues to play whenever even remotely possible with a stupid sense of grit and determination that I recognize from myself. He's slowly on the mend, but I've given him everything in me over the last few months. I feel empty.
Another factor in that is my work. I work for the club my boyfriend plays for. My primary jobs are in medical and coaching, but I also see it as sort of my duty that these guys turn not only as great athletes, but also as great humas. An aspect that often times gets lost in professional sports. I love my work, I love how much I can give and how I can be a positive factor in people's lives. But with everything else going to shits, I feel that what's happening at work is also affecting me more than it should. Particularly a guy that's been out with myocarditis for months now. It's always been a sad case, but as of recently I hold back tears every time I work with him. His mama found him unconcious in bed one morning, as a simple flu had turned significantly worse over night. She panicked, didn't remember where the hospital was, didn't think to call an ambulance and as such drove him to our medical centre. When I opened that car door - I've never seen a person that looked so sick ever before. He ended up having a heart attack, getting a pace maker and being in a coma for a week. Again, he's on the mend now, but seeing a 19 year old young athlete, who sees his entire career in jeopardy, struggle to get up from the breakfast table and walk the 5 steps over to the buffet is still beyond heartbreaking. He's been on my mind a lot lately, but what completely ended me were the last 2 days. Day before yesterday, in training. We hear a horrific sound, followed by a gutteral scream of shear pain and terror (have heard a few of these, never anything quite like that) and frantic shouts from other players. I grab my equipment and haul ass over to the other pitch and what I see there is easily the most horrific leg break possible. I am talking, the leg was nearly amputated. Tourniquet on, finding the next best thing to inject the player that would just knock him out, debating with my colleagues about if this is a case for a helicopter (it was), figuring out with the air ambulance crew how to stabilize the leg (anatomical physics project) etc.. The player who accidentally did this to him in a bad challenge was and still is inconsolable. There were multiple people who threw up at the sight. Today in training, another sound every pitch side worker dreads. A head clash, a proper one. One of them fine, just slightly dazed, the other one fully unconscious. I turn him on his side and see that there's blood running out of his mouth and one of his ears. Not ideal. When I got him awake he started vomiting, stated hearing/vision loss on one eadye, his face was drooping etc.. Perfect case of a basilar skull fracture. Another case for the air ambulance. While we were waiting on them, his mama came over and he didn't recognize her. I don't know what it was, but him not recognising his mother, his mother, fearing for her son's life, sobbing when he asked who she was...
Even though they're both doing well considering the circumstances, I've never had two incidents like this in two days. I'm rattled. And I hate myself for saying that, because it feels weak coming from someone who has seen war zones. I feel like I'm giving everything I have, I'm everyones shoulder to cry on and I'm just empty. I don't have anything left to give. Silly coming someone from someone who voluntarily signed up for all of this and still somehow loves it in a twisted way. Does this make me a masochist? I don't know. Fact is, I feel myself going down a very dark path (again) and I don't know what to do (again).

when the Duffers had their birthday a video of them at the farm was officially released and you could catch a glimpse of this guy. Also pay attention to the shoe he is wearing. It's official material, not paparazzi so don't remove the post from me. (See Photo ONE)
Yesterday Ross posted more photos and you can see another person with the same clothes. Always in the same place (farm). This means it's a double! (See Photo TWO) Let's go back to the shoe. Also in yesterday's photos of Ross, you can see the same shoe next to that lunch box that has a bullet hole in it! (See Photo THREE) The fact that there is a double could mean that they are filming a "dangerous" scene that could involve the military. What if the military is trying to shoot and yet the bullet hits his lunch box? Will Derek be the new character who dies? In my opinion, yesterday's Transformers photo also concerns this Derek because the other characters seem a little old to me to be interested in Transformers.
In fact, according to the casting call, Derek is an overweight male child and an outsider without friends and is a possible new regular character therefore with sufficient screen time. Looking at the photos of these people I would say that they appear overweight. The description matches (weight and the fact that he is an outsider, he seems to love Transformers and Gi Joe), even if these people in the photos seem older than a child to me. But doubles don't have to be the same age as the character so it might make sense.
Furthermore there is also another photo from months ago but as it is not official material I cannot publish it. In summary, 99% of the time we will have this new character, but what will his role be? I was thinking of a possible younger brother of Robin considering that Robin also appears in the same photo of Ross, inside that farm. But now I feel like excluding him because for the casting call they were looking for "any ethnicity", if he had been Robin's brother then they would have specified "white". The most likely thing is that he goes to class with Holly because they are the same age as characters (8-10 years old). But what role will he have? why is he on the farm? For me the most certain thing is that he is yet another character ready to die to avoid killing the main cast. I want to hear your theories. I need to read interesting things
Since it is complicated to insert more than one photo here, I will insert links in the answers to view them.

Here is an amusing story that Matt and Daniel might use: https://nypost.com/2024/05/18/us-news/i-went-to-rehab-for-my-cheese-addiction/
The Gouda, bad and ugly: NYC law student addicted to cheese went to nearly $6K-per-week rehab
"Cojab said her addiction stemmed from stress.
She was the president of a Zionist student group called Realize Israel, at odds with other student activists and professors calling on the university to sever ties with Israel.
“I dabble, but not in the way that I used to before,” she said, adding the recent waves of anti-Israel encampments at Columbia and other universities prompted brief relapses."
Not only is it a wild story by itself, it ties into one of my fave Old Testament stories: Judith and Holofernes. In 6th century BC, Bethulia in Israel was under siege. Judith went to the enemy camp to meet with General Holofernes, got him drunk until he passed out, then took his sword and chopped off his head.
In one popular versions,, she persuaded him to drink by feeding him cheese. By the 14th century, this story led to a "tradition that people eat cheese on Hanukkah... Rabbi Moses Isserles, on the Shulchan Aruch, the Jewish Code of Law, even recommends eating cheese on the holiday in honor of Judith".
It may be a reach, but there is an ironic juxtaposition.

A while ago I had suggested an NPC that worked as a Mini-Game, here I will improve and explain my idea better
This would be an NPC available in Town 1 and 2, when interacting with him you would be directed to a closed area of ​​considerable size and you would have to face hordes of monsters, starting from weak mobs to extremely strong mobs, these could be the mobs we already have on rucoy or a type of Minion specific to this mini game
While inside the Mini-Game, your resources like potions and arrows would be infinite to help a little
Perhaps, there could even be a way to play this Mini-Game in 2, 3 or 4 players, like the old Rucoy Hunts where it was necessary to have three players to pull a lever, but this could be optional
The idea is that this NPC serves to dissociate a little from Rucoy's pattern of Training - PvP - Farm - Training - PvP - Farm - etc., there would be no reward for surviving a large number of hordes, just for entertainment to see how resilient your character is
With this NPC, I even think it would be interesting to have a type of Ranking that classified which player managed to defeat the biggest wave of enemies
Again, the idea of ​​this NPC is NOT to reward the player who goes further through the waves of enemies, but rather a form of relaxation to get out of the sameness that Rucoy is sometimes, just Training - PvP - Farm - Training - PvP - Farm

Here’s the death list according to multiple sources.
The tornado claimed it’s first death around 1:00/1:01 pm in between Ellington and Redford in Reynolds County when it killed 49 year old Samuel Flowers as he was riding his horse with his dog from Ellington back to his farm in Redford. Both his horse and dog survived the tornado, and 1% of the population of Redford was killed.
The tornado then entered Iron County where at 1:15 pm it struck Annapolis. 21 year old Merrill Raymond Stewart was killed by flying timber and being crushed by debris as he was standing in the Main Street and 33 year old. Orso Kelly whose house set in the western valley of Leadanna ie the border between Annapolis and Leadanna was killed when the tornado’s winds blew him from the porch of his house and into the creek where his head was slammed against a tree killing him. He was the only one who got a death certificate which said the tornado killed him in Iron County as all of the other victims got other causes to their death on their death certificates. 2 more unidentified were killed in Annapolis The tornado then hit Leadanna killing 2 people who were above ground including a husband of one of Clara Brown née Lewis’s cousins and a unidentified. Also killed in the area was another niece of Carl Brown’s. In total 7 people, 4 in Annapolis, 2 in Leadanna, and 1 in the area were killed by the tornado.
The tornado went though Madison County without any deaths as it missed most of the populated areas such as Cherokee Pass and Cornwall.
Around 1:26 pm it entered Bollinger County. And a few minutes before 2:00 pm it was reported just a few miles north of Patton. The tornado then crossed the Whitewater River and at 1:45 pm it destroyed the Conrad School killing 10 year old John Fulton and injuring his teacher and 16 students. It then hit the 2 story Fellows farmhouse killing 1 year old Harley E Fellows from a deep gash through his skull and his 14 year old cousin Perry N Fellows who was killed in the wreckage. Meanwhile nearly 3 miles south of the in between distance of the Conrad School and Fellows Farmhouse, 50 year old Amanda Emma Hanners née Bollinger became a indirect victim of the tornado when she died of a heart attack that the tornado caused. The tornado then went through Lixville and exited quickly. Then at 2:00 pm multiple places in Bollinger County will all be hit and multiple people will be killed by the Tornado at the same time. East of the Lixville’s founder, judge Louis Lix’s concrete home the Garner School was hit and destroyed with the teacher injured, 16 students injured, and another student 7 year old Trula C Henry will died of her injuries a week later on March 25th. Irene E Clements who was less than a year old was killed while she was in her mother’s arms as every building on her family’s farm was destroyed. Finally on the Bollinger County/Schumer Springs, Perry County border 24 year old Grant Oster Miller was killed at his barn which was destroyed. Also killed somewhere in Bollinger County was an unidentified. In all of Bollinger County 8 barns were destroyed and 8 were killed.

So back when I was 6 or 7 months old my mom woke up in the middle of the night to me crying as my mom was getting up to go check on me she heard my grandmother say "Don't worry I got him" as clear as day my mom didn't think anything of it because my grandmother would come on the weekends to help her take care of me, so my mom thanked my grandmother and went back to sleep. She then again woke up and I was still crying then it hit her my grandmother never came over that day or night and it was just her and me at the house. She then of course ran in my room to see my closet doors were wide open and the room looked like it had been ransacked. She grabbed me and hurriedly ran out of the house and called the cops. Later on the police said to her there was no evidence of anybody breaking in the house. My mom was shocked so she saged the house and once I was a one year old she moved out of that house. The crazy thing about it was that an old woman had passed away in that house right before we moved in that house. To this day this story still gives me chills.

Hey!
I’m a 23 year old trans woman (she/her) born and raised in Massachusetts + currently living in Providence, Rhode Island. I recently graduated from undergrad last year and work at an ad agency in Boston, MA. I was planning to move to Boston this summer and/or in September, and then move to California after spending one last year in new england (moving to California, specifically San Diego or LA, has always been a matter of if, not when).
After a ton of thinking, I’ve decided it’s smarter to just live at home for a few months and save up to move out west NOW instead of living in Boston for a year and not being able to save up nearly as much money, jeopardizing my plans and forcing me to stay in Boston several years longer since rent is so expensive. I would move out there myself, single, with my car and just start new there, either in a studio/one bed or find a roommate from Facebook
Providence is a great city, but it’s just really small. I’m looking for a popular neighborhood with a good night life scene + very LGBTQ+ inclusive. I know LA is super spread out but my commute to work is pretty long now anyways (I commute from Prov to Boston for work, a hour and 45 min commute on the train or longer by car). I would probably work at an ad agency but I’m considering other in-house opportunities for PR, strategy, copywriting etc. I know living close to where you work is important, but I expect to deal with bad traffic like I already do so driving doesn’t deter me too badly. Ideally working with a $65K-ish salary. I’ve currently been looking around living in Koreatown / DTLA and looking as far as Marina Del Rey for a commute.
Any recommendations for a living location (or good areas for my work)? Koreatown / Echo Park / DTLA seem most compatible but LA is super spread out. I’m open to any tips or more hyper-specific areas for living close to a more active nightlife / walkable center. Thank you in advance!

Hi, everyone!
I'm a 22-year-old woman based in Montreal (UTC-4) currently studying in International Development.
-- I am a kind open-minded individual, a great listener and love connecting with people -- I would love my accountability partner to be in the same wavelengths as me.
I am trying my best to get back on my feet. I am looking for 1 online or hybrid (online/in-person) accountability partner around the same age as me to hold ourselves accountable in the kindest ways possible. I want to get better at taking care of myself and deconstruct the idea that discipline is a punitive measure. Discipline is said to be the highest form of love we can offer to our future selves. I am determined to push myself in rigorous ways; however, I would like to improve my health holistically as well.
Let's transform together our motivation into disciplined consistency!
TOP PRIORITIES
(1) Weight Loss Journey (2) Academics Improvement
OTHER PRIORITIES
(3) Financial & Social Enterprise Literacy (3) Work-Family-Academics Life Balance Consolidation (3) Artistic Skills Development (Drawing, Poetry, Animation, etc)
MEANS
(1) Schedule check-ins every 3 days via video conference or in person (2) Schedule regular evening study sessions either virtual or in-person (3) Vlog and share our progress about our other priorities every month or so
Thank you for your time and consideration, you can message me if you believe we would be a great fit for each other! We talk more in detail about how our schedule will look afterwards.

You guys know what an alpine coaster is? They are like a small roller coaster you find in the mountains. They are also called summer toboggans or mountain coasters and I think there’s some long German compound word they are called in parts of Europe. They are like a roller coaster, but with much smaller one or two person sleds you just sit on instead of multi-person cars you ride in, and instead of being built with like a scaffolding or a framework the tracks are just on the ground, using the elevation of the mountain. Basically it’s a coaster track on the side of a mountain where you ride a sled down.
They are pretty fun. Or at least I used to think so. They are more “personal” than roller coasters and although you get nowhere near the speed on them that you do on a good traditional roller coaster and they can’t do corkscrews or loops or anything like that the openness and simplicity of the ride gives an impression of a much greater speed. You’re just sitting there with nothing but a little plastic sled and the track between you and the ground as it goes zooming by. It’s like the difference between how fast a go-cart feels compared to how fast a sports car feels. You know the sports car goes faster but the open, simpleness of a go-cart feels a different kind of fast. There’s plenty of POV Youtube videos if you want to get the basic idea of what they are.
I used to love alpine coasters. Used to.
My family used to go to Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge and up and down the Smokey Mountains for vacations when I was a kid and they are common in that area and I’d always rode them every chance I got.
But as with so many things after I grew up and went to college they just became part of my childhood that slipped away. They aren’t exactly common once you get away from the mountains.
Until one cool spring afternoon in 2004. I was in my final year at college and I was driving back to campus in Tennessee after a short visit to my folks in North Carolina. It was only like a 4 or 5 hour drive via the most efficient route and I had no need to be back at campus early so instead of taking the freeway all the way I got off and took part of my trip through the mountains. The scenery was nicer and I admit I liked pushing my Camaro just a little faster than I should through the twisty mountain roads.
Just after lunchtime happened upon one of those little by-the-highway tourist towns deep somewhere in the Smoky Mountains near the Carolina/Tennessee border. Nothing fancy, a gas station/truck stop, a diner, a couple of places selling tourist merch nestled deep in the mountains. I pulled into the gas station. My tank was getting low and I needed to stretch my legs, maybe grab something to eat. It was still early and I only had another couple of hours. I could kill an hour or so and still make it back to campus at a decent hour.
I pulled into the gas station and was filling my tank when I happened to glance across the road and… well I’ll be damned. There it was. “The Blue Ridge Alpine Coaster.” Nestled on the side of the mountain was a building, a mockup of a red barn, where a single railed track that led up into the mountains, where it soon got lost in the greenery. Wooden hand painted standees of cartoon character bears dressed in stereotypical “Hillbilly” getup stood around, some of them holding signs showing the ride hours and ticket costs and other info. I had to admit, as silly as it was, it made me smile.I finished pumping my gas and, well, nostalgia is a helluva thing. I decided then and there I could waste a little time riding an Alpine Coaster again after all these years before getting back on the road.
I parked my car in a corner of the truck stop's parking lot, put my phone in the center console, this being the days before smart phones when people didn’t keep their phones with them 24/7 and I didn’t want my old Nokia brick phone to fall out during the ride, locked my car and walked across the mountain highway to the Alpine Coaster building.
Getting closer, the place was less inviting. The half hearted attempt at a whimsical faux-Americana kitsch was far less effective when it brushed up against the actual decaying, run down wooden building. Hell calling it a building was generous. It was a wood frame holding up a long roof that covered the area where you got on the sleds. The wood boards creaked under my footsteps.
The only real enclosed structure was a shack that held, what I assumed, was a ticket booth. A door on the side had both a single occupancy bathroom with an out of order sign on it. An old Pepsi machine buzzed and glowed next to it.
Still the place looked alive. Ahead of me a bored looking attendant was helping a mother and her young son into one of the sleds while in a bored monotone repeating the safety brief. A few people were waiting in line at the ticket booth. Up in the mountains the playful shouts of people on the ride echoed down. Fond memories of my own childhood rides flooded my mind.10 minutes and 15 dollars later I was settling into the hard plastic seat of a bright red sled sat atop a simple aluminum rail.
I couldn’t help but grin as the sled slowly climbed the track up the mountains, making click-clack ratcheting sounds that hit my nostalgia centers hard. I felt good. The air was cool and crisp and smelled of pine.Higher and higher in the mountains we went. I don’t know if this is my mind trying to make sense of it after the fact but when I remember these moments, the last good moments, I sometimes think I remember a very slight, very subtle pit of fear in my stomach. I honestly don’t know if I felt it at the time or not or it’s just how my mind tries to make sense of it looking back at.
But either way mostly I was enjoying myself. I smiled. I was a kid again. I could hear riders in front of me let out that initial yell of terrified glee you get at the first drop of any good ride.
It peaked. I glanced around. I could see for miles, rolling hills and mountains. I the sled tipped over and zoomed down the mountain and I let out the same happy yell I heard from the other passengers.The ride zoomed down the mountain, catching speed. The mountain forest floor zoomed past, only a few feet under me. Trees zoomed past. I gave out a happy whoop as the ride banked hard around a curve and then looped back under itself.Another dip, another curve. I closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of the G-forces pulling me every which way.
There was no one exact single moment where things started to go “wrong.” The ride kept going. And going. At this point the first creeping thought entered my head.
The ride… was still going.
It just started to hit me… this ride was going on for a really long time. I had taken a dozen rides on various coasters of this type before that day and they topped out at about 5 minutes or so, and that was the long ones. Longer than a traditional roller coaster but not that long. This one had been going on for what felt like 10, maybe even 15 minutes.
I looked back over my shoulder and could only see trees, moving too fast to really get a bearing on where I was at in relation to anything.
I wasn't exactly really worried yet. Okay so I had found a particularly long alpine coaster. At the time I wasn’t 100% wasn't sure they didn’t exist or anything like that. I was a little… unnerved but nothing was happening that was impossible. Yet.
I was trying to talk myself back into just enjoying the ride and stop overthinking it, and halfway succeeded, when out of nowhere I suddenly banked hard, the track jutting out almost over a sheer cliffside. I gripped the sled more tightly as I was whipped around. The ride then dipped hard and picked up speed, barreling down the side of the mountain.
I was pushed back against the seat by the force of the drop. Jesus I didn’t remember them being this rough. I was feeling slightly nauseous. And where had this elevation drop come from I wondered? I was still in the foothills and I didn’t remember seeing anything but gentle rolling hills and light drops from looking at the ride’s route earlier. How the ride had managed such a long, steep drop in this area I didn’t know. . For the first time I hoped that the ride would be over soon. I had no idea then how much I would want that same hope to be true so much more as time went on.
With a whiplash motion I was whipped forward and then back as the ride leveled out on flat ground again, but by this point I was going fast, too fast. My neck hurt from the mild whiplash and I felt sour in my throat and for a moment the contents of my stomach threatened to come back up. For the first, but hardly the last time the ride felt unsafe. Alpine Coasters are tame affairs, much slower and gentler than full on roller coasters but this thing was throwing me around like no thrill ride I had ever been on.
I looked around. I mean I wasn’t that deep into the woods. I should have been able to see a glimpse of something; the highway, the gas station, the tourist shops, the Alpine Coaster office, something, anything. But nothing. Just trees.
I forced back some panic for the first time. I closed my eyes and counted to ten. The ride zoomed along. I counted to 60. I counted to 60 again. And again. Okay this was getting uncomfortably harder and harder to explain.
Suddenly I noticed that up ahead the track seemed to just end, for one brief, terrible moment I thought the track just ended but I was wrong. Almost without warning the track dipped in an almost vertical drop. I almost screamed as I plummeted for 20, maybe 30 seconds before flattening out again.
By this point the voice in my head that was telling me something was wrong was louder and I could no longer tell myself it was wrong. This ride could not have been this long. I tried to make sense of it, wondering if somehow I had gotten diverted onto some kind of maintenance track or, hell for one brief irrational moment even entertaining the idea that I had wound up on an actual train track somehow. But that was absurd. The rail below me was not a train track, it was still just the simple, aluminum rail of an alpine coaster and there had been no diversions or junctions in the track. I was still on the ride, as insane as that was starting to feel. Had the ride somehow looped? Again after having the thought I immediately dismissed it as crazy. There’s no way I could have missed the ride building where I got on. And what kind of ride loops over and over?
The sled zoomed through the forest, oddly never seeming to lose speed despite the relatively flat grade of the track. I cursed myself for leaving my phone in the car and not wearing a watch. I don’t know exactly how long I had been on the ride at that point but it felt like I had been on the ride for a half hour, maybe more. But time is a funny thing when you’re in a situation you’ve never been in. Could have been more, could have been less, at that point.
My pride finally failed me. I started to scream for help. I screamed out that the ride was broken, to stop it, that I needed help. I did that for about ten minutes or so I think. The ride kept going. Mostly flat, level track with occasional mild dips and turns. But the simple length of the ride grew more and more unnerving and unexplainable.
I thought about just bailing out. But the ride, impossibly, was still not slowing down and chunks of mountain rock and thick tree trunks were all around me. Bailing out without risking smashing into a rock or a tree seemed impossible.
The ride kept going.
Up ahead the forest was clearing out some, I could see the forest brightening, more sunlight making it through the canopy.
I wasn’t prepared for what I saw.
The trees stopped and I had just enough time to take in a flat, open area of rock maybe 40, 50 yards at most before another sheer cliff. The tracks twisted and turned and then shot straight down. But that wasn’t the worst of it. For a moment, a very short moment, I had a clear view for miles and the landscape was, to be blunt, totally impossible. Any possibility that I had just stumbled on some incredibly long ride was blasted out of my head. Barren, volcanic looking rock stretched for miles. Jagged, black rocky outcroppings as far as the eye could see. I was in the goddamn Smoky Mountains. They don’t look like that.
I had a few moments for the terror of that view to settle in before the cart plunged into another horrifying drop. I gripped the handles of the cheap plastic sled until my knuckles turned white. The drop felt completely vertical, like I was falling at terminal velocity. I screamed. My stomach dropped and turned. I imagined the sled coming away from the track and me just plummeting screaming to my death on the rocks below. But somehow the ride still functioned. I closed my eyes tightly and just waited for whatever was going to happen. Eventually after several what felt like a full minute of steep plunging the track again leveled out, and I opened my eyes to see myself moving at breakneck speed over that black, rocky landscape.
Now that I was moving on a more or less flat horizontal track again I took a few deep breaths. I looked over the edge of the track. Nothing but that black, jagged rock, almost looking like obsidian, zooming past. I had no idea how fast the sled was moving now. Fast. Faster than a gravity powered sled should be moving. And the track was higher off the ground now. Alpine slides usually stick pretty close to the ground, but I was 20 feet or so in the air, the track suspended in the air, a simple metal tube tower like a power pylon every few yards.
Without any immediate threat and the sled moving fast but steadily and level I was able to think about my situation again, for all the good that did me. Ahead of me the track just continued to the horizon, nothing but the same rocky landscape as far as I could see. I craned my neck to look back over my shoulder and looked back behind me and it looked the same. Even the mountains were but distant specs on the horizon behind me.
This was insane. There’s not a giant seemingly endless field of black jagged rock in the goddamn Smoky Mountains. There’s no cliff faces tall and steep enough for a multi-minute vertical drop. And alpine coasters were small affairs, not major engineering projects that span miles with pylons and vertical tracks. It made no sense.
Sadly it wasn’t going to start making any more sense anytime soon.
The ride kept going.
I was on this rocky landscape for several hours. I feel comfortable saying this because I could actually notice the sun getting lower in the sky. And the sled wasn’t slowing down despite the grade of the track being flat. I was getting cramped from sitting and stretched my legs and twisted my back as best I could. Didn’t do much help. My eyes were starting to get irritated from the constant wind in them. Worst of all it was starting to get chilly. I only had on a light jacket, a windbreaker, just something to keep the breeze off me, no real insulation. I was cold, my joints were stiff, I was hungry and thirsty. My eyes watered and my throat was so dry it was sore.
But none of that was as bad as just how little sense this all made. There’s nothing like this place anywhere near the Smoky Mountains. This was like some volcanic rock landscape. The more I thought about it the less sense it made.
The ride kept going.
My mind didn’t even try to process this. Whatever I was experiencing simply couldn’t be possible. I was crazy. I was dreaming. The CIA had kidnapped me and dosed me with some new version of LSD and I was in a straightjacket in a padded room at Area 51.
The sled kept zooming along as the sky turned to dusk. Soon the bridge disappeared from my view and I continued on along the endless, rocky, featureless landscape.
I sat back against the sled, mentally and physically numb. I was exhausted. I was thirsty. I was cramping up. I was hungry. I had to pee. I held it for as long as I could, then had no choice but just wet myself. I cried until I had no more tears left. Then I just sat there.
The ride kept going.
By the time the sun dipped below the horizon my throat felt like sandpaper. I dug around in my jacket pockets hoping to find a stick of gum or piece of candy. Nothing. I checked again, having nothing else to do. Under a crumpled store receipt in the inner pocket of my jacket was a single old, forgotten cough drop. I unwrapped it from the paper and popped it in my mouth. Saliva flooded back into my mouth and I was overwhelmed by the methanol and medicine taste. It was something at least, although I knew it would be a brief and temporary fix at best.
I felt my eyes get heavy. It was getting colder. That mountain cold. That deep cold the mountains have even into the early spring when the sun goes down. That kind that just pulls the heat right out of you. I shivered. A terrible, horrible certainty came to me. I would ride until I passed out from exhaustion or the hypothermia set in. My body would tumble off the sled to fall and skip across the rocky ground like a stone skipping across a lake, my bones breaking as I tumbled until my body finally came to a stop. If I was lucky I would be killed and not have to lie for days, broken and bruised, on the ground until death took me.
The ride kept going. The ride kept going. The fucking ride kept going.
“Fuck you” I said to the ride, my voice a horse whisper. I pulled my jacket closer around me, for all the good it did. The cold wind was slowly but surely pulling my body heat away. My shivering got worse, crossing the line from a simple normal shiver into those deep, almost violent full body ones.. I wasn’t anything you could call an experienced outdoorsman, but I knew enough to know that wasn’t a good sign.
It was getting dark. There was a full moon at least so I wasn’t totally in the dark.
About then I noticed something. The landscape, what little I could see in the fading light, was changing. It was smoothing out, becoming less rocky and craggy. Up ahead an odd, shimmering light was starting to appear on the ground.
I was over it before I even realized what it was. The tracks were going over a smooth surface.
Water. It was a lake. The odd lights I had seen were the moon, reflected in ripples on the lake.
Within minutes I was out of the view of the land. After the nearly endless rocky landscape and everything else I had seen, it scared me how little I was shocked. I didn’t like how mentally numb I was getting. I leaned over. There was enough moonlight to see the water, 15 or 20 feet below the track. The pylons holding up the track went into the water, the light wasn’t good enough to even make a guess at how far they went down or how deep the water was.I leaned back in the sled. My eyes were red and bloodshot from the constant wind. I closed them. This was a mistake.I jerked awake. I don’t know if I dozed off for a split second or an hour. My weight had shifted and I caught myself as my center of gravity was in danger of sending me off the sled and into the water.
I screamed in anger. A deep primal scream. I hurt so bad. My joints felt like they were full of glass. My limbs were full of pins and needles. I glanced over at the water. For the first time on the very edges of my brain a tiny voice started to speak up, telling me that I could be all over if I just jumped. I shut the voice up, but it scared me still.
I sat there as the ride went on. It felt like hours. Eventually the lake ended in a rocky shore line. The damned ride. There was no safe place to bail out. If the ride slowed down, it was high in the air, if it moved toward the ground it sped up. Sharp rocks, big trees, nothing you could safely bail out into.
I kept having to force myself awake. I kept dozing off. Once I felt myself falling asleep and drove a vicious uppercut into my own nose to stave it off.
I seriously started to think about how much longer I could hang on. The voice came back again. This time I didn’t shut it up. I wasn’t admitting it to myself yet, but I was starting to think about the best way to land that would end it quickly if I needed to.
Something was ahead. The track seemed to dip into the ground. I was too tired, too beaten to even get scared. I was just resigned to whatever happened at this point.
With little warning the track took my sled into a tunnel in the ground. Everything went completely pitch black. After several moments even the dim moonlight was gone.
This was the worst part. The creepy forest, the immense rocky landscape, the eerie lake… those were bad. But this was just nothing. Nothing to look at, nothing to hear, nothing for reference or sense of where I was going. The walls of the tunnel felt like they were inches from me in every direction. The air felt thick, like there wasn’t enough oxygen.
With every moment I was in that tunnel I lost a little more hope. After a long, long time I made a decision. When I got out of this tunnel, I would jump. I didn’t care anymore. Hopefully there would be a spot where I could be certain the fall would instantly kill me. I was done. The ride had beaten me. I sat there, waiting for a chance to end this on my terms. That was all I had left.
Eventually up ahead, a tiny speck of light appeared. I gathered my strength, ready to end it. I sat up, getting my legs under me so I could jump as soon as we were clear. The sled burst out of the tunnel. The dim light of the full moon was enough to be momentarily blinding after the pitch black of the tunnel.. I gave my eyes a moment to adjust.
I was back in a normal looking Appalachian forest. Rolling hills, green trees. The air smelled of pine again. I heard an owl hoot off somewhere.
Slowly I lowered myself back into a setting position, in shock. At first I refused to believe it but the ride was slowing down. I held still, making sure my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me, but no, the cheap plastic sled that had been my world for what felt like an eternity was slowing down.
Up ahead, a structure was visible, peeking out from among the trees in the dim lighting as the sled moved down the track.
It was the Alpine Slide building. The crappy fake red barn where I had boarded this cursed ride so long ago. I blinked and rubbed my eyes, sure it was either my mind or the cursed ride playing tricks with me. But the building stayed there.
It grew closer and closer. The track leveled completely out. The sled slowed down more. Before I had the time to really come to terms with it I arrived back at the building.
The sled slowed to a stop, gently pumping against another sled parked on the track. I sat there for a few moments, gasping in great big gulping fear breaths, trying to assure myself the ride didn’t have one last trick of its sleeve.
I looked around. The place was empty, deserted. The overhead lights were still on and the old Pepsi machine still glowed and buzzed, but the ticket booth was dark and empty, a metal gate pulled down over the ticket window.
Suddenly it hit me that I was free and I practically leapt out of the sled and onto the platform. I immediately collapsed. My legs were jelly and my head was spinning. I tried to stand up again and doubled over, dry heaving. Have you ever been out on a boat for a day and have that weird reverse motion sickness when you’re back on solid land? It was like that times a hundred. My inner ear was literally pounding, all the motion had really done a number on it.
I laid there for a few moments and eventually forced myself to stand up on my two wobbling legs. I looked around, a horrible certainty creeping into my mind that there would be no exit, no way off the platform but to my relief an exit turnstyle, one of those full height ones, was set into the fence that surrounded the ride property.
I went through it and found myself back on the main road. The truckstop was still there, still open but far less busy. My car sat in the same corner of the parking lot I had left it.
I allowed myself one look back, just one quick one. The metal skeleton of the Alpine Slide track sat there, dark and quiet but otherwise normal.
I stumbled-ran back to my car, dug the keys out of my pocket, and collapsed inside. When the door shut I let out a primal scream, the tons of fear and confusion and anger all fusing into a single, raw emotion. I screamed again and again.
After a few moments I felt like I was emotionally at least back to a place where I could act, although I wasn’t sure yet what to do next. Not really knowing what to do I cranked the car. The A/C had been on low when I shut off the car and it came roaring back to life and cold air blowing on me almost sent me back into a full on panic attack. I fumbled with the climate controls until the air stopped blowing directly on me, then calmed down enough to turn the heat on, helping to get the chill out of my bones. There was a half full bottle of water in the center console cup holder and I grabbed it and chugged it. Nothing ever tasted as good before or sense as that few ounces of water.
That was when I noticed the clock on the radio head unit. It was 4:17 in the morning. It had been about one, one thirty or so in the afternoon when I got on the accursed ride.
Over 15 hours. I had been on the goddamn ride for over 15 hours. Over half a day.
I just sat there. Warming up. Calming down. I was exhausted. I was dehydrated. I can’t even describe how my head felt. I probably had at least a minor case of hypothermia. I thought about going into the gas station and asking for help but what would I even say, and more than anything I just wanted to get away from this place. And I just wanted to get away. I wanted to be nowhere near that damn ride.
I put the Camaro in gear and pulled into the street and in panic I immediately slammed on the brakes. I was lucky there was no traffic on the road at that moment. The feeling of accelerating to just normal surface street speeds made me sick to my stomach. I gathered myself and very slowly accelerated the car I usually treated with a very heavy foot up to 30 miles an hour. Every time I tried to accelerate at a pace faster than “Old Lady Going to Church, Uphill” I would have a panic attack. I was okay once I was up to speed, but accelerating freaked me out after being on that ride.
I drove about 30 minutes, putting some arbitrary amount of distance between myself and the coaster. Eventually I made it back to where the twisty mountain road met back up with a major road that would eventually meet back up with the highway. After a few more minutes of driving I saw the onramp for the highway. There was one of those big truckstop travel plazas and pulled in, parking right up at the door. I smelled like pee and I can only imagine how I looked, but I didn’t care.
I kept a couple of emergency 20s in the back of my wallet and spent it on the biggest bottle of water the store had, an overpriced bottle of eye drops, and a huge travel mug of coffee. The clerk looked at me as if he was expecting me to either drop dead or rob him the entire time.
Back in my car I downed the coffee. I put a few eye drops in each of my eyes and sat there as the caffeine took effect until I felt like I could make it back to my apartment. The sun was just coming up when I finally pulled out of the truck stop and got on the freeway. I slowly, very slowly, accelerated up to highway speed, put the Camaro in cruise control, and let the miles start to drift away. I turned on the radio, I needed to hear human voices. Every time my mind went back to what had just happened I turned the radio up louder, eventually drowning it out with painful levels of rock music. I wasn’t ready to think about it yet. Yes looking back I know I was just in denial. I finally made it back to the crappy little apartment I had off campus, a little two story walk up studio. I let myself in and collapsed on the cheap couch. I was asleep before I even had the time to decide whether or not to do anything else. I woke up later that afternoon. I took a shower and ate a meal and didn’t think about the ride. I washed the pee stained filthy clothes I had been wearing and didn’t think about the ride. I went back to class and didn’t think about the ride. Every time I thought about the ride I forced it out of my head. I’m sure this wasn’t the most mentally healthy thing to do but what can you say?
I didn’t forget about it, don’t be silly. This isn’t the kind of thing you forget. One day while looking up something else in the university’s library my curiosity got the better of me and I looked up the Alpine Slide. No website but a few Google Map and Yelp mentions. None of them mentioned anything weird, certainly nothing even remotely like what I experienced. Near as I can tell it closed sometimes in the winter of 2012.
Life went on. I mean, that’s what it does. The next day was a little better. And the day after that a little better. And the day after that a little better still. I met a nice girl. Graduated. Got married. Got a nice house in the suburbs. Got a dog. Had a daughter. Spent a lot of time happy and not thinking about being trapped on an endless alpine coaster.And that was my life for many, many years after that.
Until a few weeks back when as a very different person I found myself driving a boring and safe mid sized family SUV through those same mountains. My wife Carol, 5 months pregnant, sat in the passenger seat, our 6 year old daughter Emily in a booster seat in the back, and Max our mixed breed mutt next to her. It had been a nice pleasant trip, driving back from visiting her folks.
I hadn’t thought about that fucking ride in so long I barely registered that I was in the same general area until it was too late. Suddenly I realized that little mountain tourist trap town was only a few minutes down the road. I swallowed hard and gripped the steering wheel hard. Carol was looking out the window at the scenery and Emily was deep into some kid’s Youtube video on an iPad. I forced myself to keep my breath steady as we rounded the corner.The town was still there, sorta. Time had not been kind to it. The gas station was still there, at some point it had been bought out by Shell. The tourist trap shops were still there. One of them was now a vape shop. The diner was closed, the building looking like it sat unused for a long time.
But of course that’s not what I cared about. A looked over at the site where the Alpine Coaster once stood. It was gone. The kitschy fake barn was gone. The site was just a bare concrete slab with a chainlink fence around it. Faded “no trespassing” and “for sale” signs hung off the fence. A pile of old, decaying lumber that might have once long ago been part of the structure covered part of the old lot. No sign of the track remained outside of some old concrete support posts dotting the side of the mountain.
I exhaled out a breath I hadn’t even realized I had been holding in. Soon the little town disappeared in my rear view mirror.
About a half hour later we stopped for gas. I pulled up to a gas pump across from a massive motorhome. Max stuck his head out the window and started barking at a little white dog, a toy breed of some kind, in the window of the motorhome. Carol and Emily immediately headed into the store to restock on snacks while I fueled up.
I stood there, a half smile on my lips as Max barked and wagged his tail in an attempt to attract the attention of the other dog while I filled up the tank, said dog doing an admirable job of ignoring him.
Right about the time I finished fueling up and cleaning the bugs off the windshield Carol returned from inside the store, Emily in tow, arms filled with two full sized bags of Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips and what looked to be a half dozen individually wrapped pickles.
I raised an eyebrow at the collection of food but knew better than to question a pregnant woman's snack choices.
“Should we take Max for a quick walk?” Carol asked. The travel plaza had a nice little gated dog walking area off to the side.
“Yeah probably not a bad idea, he’s been cooped up in the car for a few hours.” I said. Max, upon hearing his name and the word “walk” , forgot about the other dog and upgraded from wagging his tail to wagging his entire body while making whining sounds and staring right at me.
About this time I became half aware that the big motor home next to us was pulling away. I didn’t think much of it, outside of doing a quick automatic mental check to make sure Emily was well clear of the moving vehicle, but she was safely between me and our SUV, well out of the way.
But that was when Emily looked behind me and cheerfully yelled “Daddy look a roller coaster! Can I ride the coaster?”
It’s cliche as fuck I know but my blood went cold.
I turned around slowly, certain in my knowledge that terrible old decrepit Alpine Coaster would be there, having just popped into existence to trap me again.
That.. is not what I saw. Sure enough there was a coaster there, one I hadn’t noticed earlier because it had mostly been blocked by the motor home, but there it was. It was even an Alpine Coaster.
But it was not the same coaster I had encountered those years ago. That was immediately obvious. It was a small but modern and newish looking setup with neon lights and a bunch of people. There was an actual building where you bought tickets and a little snack stand.
“Daddy! Can we go on the coaster!” Emily asked again.
My mouth made motions but no words came out. I glanced over at Carol, hoping she’d say we didn’t have time but to my horror she smiled and said “You know what? That does sound like fun. Daddy will take you while I take Max for a walk.”
My mind raced, trying to think of a way to get out of it. But Emily was already dragging me across the parking lot to the entrance.
I patted my pocket, making sure my phone was in it. Every fiber of my being was screaming to run away. I slept walked through the line and the ticket booth while Emily bounced happily.
We got into a two seat plastic sled. This one was actually a lot nicer than the one my mind wouldn’t stop thinking about. It had two nice cushioned seats, big grab handles, even a nice rollbar.
The sled started up the track. I fought back the panic. I swerved my head around, keeping the building in my view. I was terrified of losing sight of it. We made it to the top and Emily did a happy squeal as we started down the side of the mountain.
My heart raced. Any second, any second my mind told me we’d lose sight of the building and then the ride would never end. The ride sped down the mountain. My mind tortured me with thoughts of not only going through it again, but seeing Emily go through it. The ride went around a big, banking turn. Emily kept shouting happily. How long before Carol reported us missing I wondered? Could I keep Emily calm? What if it lasted even longer this time? What if this time it never ended?
And then we were back at the start of the ride. The same attendant who had helped us into the sled was helping Emily out. I stepped out. The attendant gave me a brief look but said nothing. I guess I looked a little wild eyed.
I was fine. Emily was fine. It had been a perfectly normal, fun ride.
“That was fun Daddy! Thank you!” Emily said. I forced a smile back. “It was fun.” I responded, hoping like I sounded like I meant it.
I took Emily’s hand and we walked back to the car. Max saw us coming and barked happily. Carol looked up from the pint of Ben and Jerry’s she had somehow acquired and added to her snack collection while we were gone and smiled at us.
“Did you have fun?” she asked.
“It was so fun Mommy!” Emily said.
Carol smiled down at her, but then looked at me and frowned. “Are you okay?” Carol could read my face a lot better than the attendant could. “You’re pale.”
I smiled and this time the smile felt real. “Ya know what. Yeah, I think I am okay.”
Carol looked a little puzzled, but didn’t press it. We loaded Emily back in her booster seat, stopped Max from trying desperately to eat half a discarded gas station hot dog off the ground and got him back in the car. Carol and her small collection of snack food took her place in the passenger seat and I got in the driver's seat.I smiled. I cranked the car. I put it in gear. I pulled out of the gas station and back on the road, this time accelerating just a little faster than I had in years.

Long rant ahead and destressing too. Will delete.
It's hot here. Summer season is almost 40° minimum with 60 to 80% humidity. I have lived in this weather for almost 20 years so it doesn't bother me much but our dog is struggling. I have been begging my family to let me install an AC at home but they said they can't accept my money because I'm a child. I told them to buy it but they said it will increase the electricity bill. I said I'll pay the AC bill and repair charges but they still won't listen. I don't understand why do I have to beg them for something every single time.
My phone went into a reboot loop during COVID because it was an old hand me down samsung note 4. I needed it for online lectures so I asked my parents to get me a newer model so that they don't have to keep buying phones every 2 years. Thankfully we have a spare old Dell lappy that I got them to fix for the classes. They said no to the new phone. I had to harass/beg for 2 months straight for them to give in. When I started earning, my parents completely cut me off financially because they wanted me to focus on studies. I again compromised with them to let me earn for my own personal expenses (things like new clothes, books, paints, hygiene products etc) while maintaining my grades. My mom would emotionally blackmail me everyday saying she wants access to my bank balance and now that I'm such a rich woman (earning 15k a month), I should purchase things for the house now. I seriously don't understand her but I know she's a control freak so I have starting isolating myself from her.
I don't know what to do with my family. I'd understand their frugality if we were poor or in serious debt but we're not. My parents used my education fund to buy land during COVID because I decided to stop pursuing my masters and instead study for NEET. They don't want me to pursue neet. Post COVID, they were unable to keep the land in good shape because it often had termite issues and the house was poorly constructed to the point the roof fell in one of the rooms. They had to sell it off in the end because it was a burden. They own 12 dogs and can afford lakhs in their upkeep but can't even afford a basic AC for the house I'm in because it belongs to my grandpa. They can purchase expensive iphones in a day but it took them 2 months to buy me a phone. I feel like a secondary citizen in my own home, having to beg for basic needs like clothes, shoes, books etc. Even while going to college, my mom would give me only 200 rupees a day to manage all my needs and would ask back for any leftover money.
I stay away from them because I hate how over controlling they are. They use my financial dependence on them to get me to do things they want. I recently started trading and they want access to those accounts too. Ofcourse I said no. They're retaliating against me using the whole AC drama. I only want them to purchase it in their names because I don't own credit cards.
And incase you think I'm a very high maintenance individual asking money for expensive clothes etc. I'm not. Im asking money to buy new cheap bras and underwear. I'm asking for money to buy basic things like pen ink, books, erasers, bird food, etc. I don't like spending money on expensive things, especially for myself. I save money and I invest almost all of it into MFs and stocks because I need to fund my education by myself. Also none of the dogs belong to me, they were bought by my parents. I only own 3 fish tanks and 2 birds with my savings which occupy specific spots in my room. I use my own earnings for their upkeep and maintenance.
Do you guys have parents like these?

The title makes me sound like a fucking loser and there will be many things that don’t make sense here due to me being horrible at explaining things but idc anymore i just need to get this out somewhere other than my notes page forever looking over it. I was heavily drinking in cambodia with friends very very late at night when no other drinkers were about (to watch a boxing match that was playing at 5am) and one of my friends i was with decided to ask the bar manager to call in some women. At this point i was sober enough to not care and kept playing pool. So after multiple women come and go eventually two women arrive at around 4am just as soon as i stopped playing pool and sat down. The woman who sat next to me was 23 years old and was very nervous at first until she eventually grabbed my hand and started rubbing my genitals. I in my now drunken state asked her to go to the toilet for what i drunkenly imagined casual oral sex but we were followed in by the bar staff as it was so late at night and obviously knew what we was up to. I became uninterested after i sat back down but my fucktard friend said to me “why don’t you go back to the hotel with your friend”. In which I ignorantly drunkenly said yes sure. So now im by myself with this woman i just met driving in the same tutut (motorcycle taxi cabin thingy) heading back to my hotel room. We get into my room she grabs me by the genitals and says 60 dollar which i give her as i was drunk and horny and had plenty of money on me. The experience was awful and i kept saying in my head whilst doing it what am i doing, but at that time i also felt i coudnt stop because one i had already paid and two and three i was drunk and horny. Anyway after a good 20ish minutes of doing it with her i eventually came and literally instant regret hit me even though i was still drunk asf. My friends don’t know abt my online relationship but i hold her very close to me and i am very very ashamed at what i did drunk or not i am planning on telling her in the future as our relationship is complicated. sorry for the shit spelling and punctuation i am just writing things that come out i of my head without giving much thoughtp