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So, if you’re just joining us, I work at a haunted zoo now. Since I’ve gotten some rest, it feels like I’ve got my head on straight, at least, so I’d like to continue where I left off.
I sat on the floor in the office after meeting the ghost until I’d settled my rattled mind (and realized I’d forgotten to ask her name, how rude is that?). I took a deep breath and got up off the floor. Walking over and falling into the rolling chair in front of the large screen of camera views, when I brought up the camera that covered the area in which I’d spotted her, she was still there, and it seemed she hadn’t moved an inch.
Sitting there, at a loss, I continued to watch her. The ghost hung around for another five minutes or so, appearing to look at a few things off-screen, though I’m not sure what. Then she walked off into the forest and left the view of the cameras. I wasn’t sure if she vanished into the ether or if she’d gone looking into the trees to look for something.
But that wasn’t the end of the job interview, so let me jump back there. It continued into what kind of animals the zoo had, with Andrew asking me how much experience I had with dangerous animals.
I took a moment to consider the question. “So, ah…I’ve been going hunting and fishing with a neighbor since I was sixteen,” I told him. “We always have to keep an eye out for gators, bears, and hogs. Then there’s snakes, of course…snapping turtles… Since I’ve lived here my whole life and been aiming for a job with wildlife for a long time, I know a lot about the animals in Arkansas in general. But good advice for all of the above is avoid them, so I’ve had encounters, but I don’t know if you’d say I have experience with them.”
“That’s fine,” Andrew said, nodding. “That’s an answer I’m satisfied with. Now, the ghost was the appetizer, Ripley; here’s the main course. To start with, the pay isn’t twenty-five an hour. It’s fifty.”
Staring in shock for a moment, I asked, “Are you serious?”
“Yeah. But that’d be weird to post online considering what applicants think we need, so I halved it.”
“That’s… Okay, why?”
“The animals are already here. You just can’t see them.”
I stared at him for a long moment, some disbelief worming its way into my expression, before saying, “Sorry, what?”
“There’s a chance you’d naturally never see them, or at least some of them,” he continued casually. “It depends on both your genetics and how long you stay on the job. I can naturally see six of them, but that’s it. Suzanne can see all of them, and more. Some are what people would label demons or ghosts. Or magic. Mostly you’d call them cryptids. The ghost was just a warm-up; I mentioned her first because it never takes more than a week to see her if you work the night shift. If you manage to handle her okay, soon you’ll be able to see the animals too. The more time you spend on the grounds, for weird reasons,” he said, wiggling his fingers in the direction of the back door, “the more you’ll be able to see.”
“So, this…this is a zoo for cryptids,” I echoed slowly. He nodded once, waiting to find out what kind of reaction I would have. I gestured vaguely around the room. “If this is a hidden camera show, will you cut me a check for showing up and participating?”
Andrew coughed out a chuckle and shook his head. “No joke. There are a ton of stories out there that have been written to death, pulverized until they’re not the Grimm stories of old and instead they’re Disney films. A lot of those stories come from what some humans have seen. There are dozens of other worlds pressed up against ours, and occasionally things come through by accident. If they’re smart, they’ll lay low and then make their way back when they can. If not, they become local folklore until someone helps them back. I’m just from London, but Suzanne is from somewhere else. She hires people like us for this zoo. Humans.”
Sighing, I shook my head. “That makes no sense. Why would she hire a muggle for a magic zoo?”
Andrew burst out laughing at that, and then waited to gather himself before he continued. “Fair point, but this is less about magic and more about animals, and you’re missing some information that will explain it. First of all, if I misjudge an employee, and they think they can make bank by outing the endangered and valuable animals we have, it’s easy to relocate the zoo.”
“Because magic?” I asked.
“Exactly,” he replied, ignoring the thread of skepticism in my tone. “That means it isn’t the end of the world if that happened, though it is a pain in the arse. But second…let me ask you a question. Speaking of reality shows, say the Discovery Channel put out a call to replace Steve Irwin when he passed. Imagine they had a line out the door,” he said with a gesture, “of people who thought they had the skill and natural talent to replace him, to take on everything he’d been doing his whole life. How many do you reckon would lose an arm, a leg, or their life, by the end of the day?”
My lips parted in surprise and I narrowed my eyes at him. “You’re saying people from…wherever…they’re just as dumb as humans, but they’re worse, because they actually think they can handle these things.”
Andrew pointed the pen at me. “Things. Exactly. You called them things. Suzanne and her friends grew up with them and would call them animals. These animals have dispositions and temperaments that we’ve studied for as long as there have been scientists. Where Suzanne’s from, they know the weaknesses of these animals, and also they’re in enclosures here, even if you and I can’t see the walls because they’re invisible things called ‘wards’. If I hire someone who’s got magic on top of all that, they’ll have almost no instinctive fear.
“Everything here is nocturnal, and every one of them is a hunter. Some of these things? Humans see them and they pass out. Not that I want you passing out, but I need someone who is scared of these things, who knows to stay out of the enclosures no matter what. Not someone who thinks they can train them to do tricks, who gets close enough for them to grab a mouthful of hair and drown them. Once, we had a night shift manager injured, and once killed, because they didn’t take these animals seriously enough.”
Thinking back to the Sea World orca incident I knew he’d been referencing, I remembered wondering how someone at that level of her profession could be so careless as I watched the video on YouTube. It made sense when he explained it like that. I hesitated before mentally throwing my hands up and going all in. “So, why put this place here, then? If they’re endangered and also dangerous, why have a zoo at all instead of just a small reserve?”
He pursed his lips, looking disappointed in me. “Ripley. You know that already. You already said as much.”
Thinking back through our conversation, I said, “The rich humans who pay top dollar to see supernatural animals.”
“Not humans,” he told me. “But people, yes, and they are rich, and they’re making donations and spending their money on a ticket here because everything we have is endangered.”
“So…”
I just let my voice trail off and my mind started to drift. Andrew remained silent, letting me do so. There’s that thing people say, ‘I believe that you believe it,’ which is just a kinder way of saying, ‘Bullshit.’ Parents say it about closet monsters. Psychologists say it to people who say they’ve been abducted and probed by aliens. I wanted to say it to Andrew.
But I also wanted a job. If it meant working overnight at an empty zoo, that was fine. When it came down to it, especially when I took the tone of our conversation into account, this was a zoo specifically focused on preserving endangered ‘animals’, and it was allegedly doing important work. Also, if this turned out to be the real deal and I started seeing the animals, I would deal with it, just like I would deal with an enclosure that had a lion or tiger or gorilla. If it came with a ghost and invisible creatures, I really didn’t see what the difference was, if I couldn’t go in the enclosures either way.
On that note, I’d like you to imagine a kid who looks at a roller coaster, watching everyone screaming and grinning as they go up and down and all around and they’re like, ‘Heck, I could do that! That looks like a blast!’
Then they get on, the first drop hits, and they realize they’ve made a terrible mistake.
“All right,” I sighed. “I can’t say I’m going to turn down a job just because it’s going to be scary. Especially not one with this paycheck.”
Andrew smiled. “Awesome. There’s an adjustment process for anyone working here, similar to a dog that gets adopted, actually. I know the general guidelines of, ‘three days, three weeks, three months’ in terms of milestones, until they finally feel they’re where they’re supposed to be,” he told me, “and you can think of your time here along those lines. I really think you’re a great fit, and once you reach the milestone of working here for three months, I’ll officially consider you our new night shift guard. And I hope you’ll stay with us for many years.”
I nodded and smiled at the flattery of an employer wanting me to work a great job for them for a long time. I’d never had a dog, but those milestones were well-known among anyone who knew animals, especially dogs. The first three days, the dog is getting to know its new digs, exploring, and decompressing. At three weeks, they’ve gotten used to their environment and are starting to get comfortable with their surroundings and the routines of the humans they live with. By three months, they know the rules and follow them, they trust you, and they feel they are where they’re meant to be. I could only hope to be so lucky.
I saw the ghost two days ago and she has yet to make another appearance (for those who are curious, I asked, and her name is Leila), and I still hadn’t seen any animals. I did hear one, though, I feel compelled to note. A growling roar sounded from the lake on occasion, echoing across the vast zoo, sending a shiver down my spine. Whatever that animal was, it sounded gigantic.
Andrew said there was apparently a group that wanted to visit for a birthday and they were offering a huge donation, so he let me know they were making an exception and that this group would be walking through the park that night. That meant I’d be watching people watching animals that, as far as I could tell, weren’t there.
It was anticlimactic. Even the three people who came for the tour just looked like people, not like aliens or something eldritch from another dimension, and I stayed in the security office the whole time. Andrew was the one giving the tour. I watched them spend about five minutes at each enclosure, the hour or so that they were there passing without incident. It was clear that they were able to see all the animals, though, since they motioned excitedly at each enclosure and spoke to Andrew, who presumably answered any questions they had.
If they could see the animals, that was that. There was still that niggle in the back of my head, from my twenty-three years of life never encountering anything like ghosts or cryptids, telling me that this was ridiculous. Waiting for someone to knock on the door, a camera mounted on their shoulder, to tell me that it was a big joke and they wanted to see how long I’d play along. But from all I saw, this was a real place with real, invisible animals.
I do carry a taser and pepper spray in my capacity as a security guard. Though it isn’t for the animals, since they’re in the enclosures; they’re actually for the rare instance of a break-in. Andrew mentioned that it had happened several times it the past, someone trying to steal an animal in the hopes of selling it on the black market. They’d been successful before, but apparently my predecessor Roger was good at his job, and mostly they left in handcuffs.
I’ll be honest, I’m not a huge fan of confrontation, but my job was to call Andrew and then confront the person, not kick their ass. That’s what the police were for, or rather, the people Andrew would call in lieu of police in certain situations.
Fifty bucks an hour. That’s the key here.
Andrew hadn’t set up direct deposit, since he was sticking with a strategy of waiting to see if I’d continue to work there once I found out myself dealing with the animals (I’ve decided I am going to just call them animals). Instead, I got an old-fashioned check after my shift every Friday. The number on the first check was delightful. I went out that evening and had a big dinner at the local diner, order my most expensive favorites on the menu and a big slice of pie for dessert.
When it came to the paychecks in general, though, I had this weird feeling of not wanting to tell my dad and brother about the fact that it was actually $50/hr. I previously mentioned that my dad, his name’s Nathan if you’re curious, works at a local grocery store. Our town has a couple food franchises, but I think its size is just short of whatever threshold Walmart uses to decide where to open. He earns $14/hr. and that’s after the tiny raises he’s gotten over the past thirteen years.
That’s not to say he’d feel bad about not making as much as me. On the contrary, he would be ecstatic for me and really proud. But, like me, he’d be suspicious. That hourly rate was the biggest hint that this was more than just a private zoo for cryptids. And as soon as that fat check cleared without problems, my dad wouldn’t be satisfied with reassurances; he’d want to come visit the zoo and look around.
I’d told him it’s a private preservation with scheduled (expensive) visits only and that it had only eleven animals, so he’d been appeased by me brushing off the idea of a visit. Also, I took a few photos of my workplace; one of the security room, one of me sitting in my chair, one photo of the many screens I watched, and a selfie where I was feigning sleep out of boredom, slouched in my chair with my mouth open in a faux snore. That let him feel like he knew where I was and what I was doing, and that I was safe.
But if I told him I was making double what he thought, my father would practically order me to quit. No job was worth my safety, he’d tell me. I was quite of the opposite opinion, however, considering how crucial any and all conservation efforts were these days. Especially with the steep extinction levels due to humans competing with other animals for space, not to mention climate change. Working in any job that helped preserve species and keep ecosystems in balance, or put them back in balance, was so important.
Then again, my father would also point out something I had realized right away: the fact was that I was working with endangered species that were not from Earth. I wasn’t helping my planet. To be honest, though…that didn’t matter to me. Especially after that talk with Andrew about why he hired a human for this job, I figured whichever dimension these animals came from had the equivalent of us, razing forests to the ground, clouding the planet with pollution, and leaving the animals with no avenue of recourse when yet more land was taken from them.
I really do hope to keep working here for a long time, though, and not just because of the money. I can’t help it; I want to know what these things were, and I want to work with them, to do the job of a zookeeper. The same way you go up to the chain-link fence to get close to a carnivore on the other side who thinks you’d make a nice afternoon snack. You just want to be closer to them, to experience that incredible, daunting feeling of being in their presence.
Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t long before I got what I wanted.
The day after we had the tour go through, I was doing my sweep when I saw the ghost again. She was sitting on a small boulder in the same area I’d seen her the first time, looking identical, blood covering the front of her slashed shirt, the wounds visible underneath. I stopped and stood there for a moment before I decided to raise my hand in a small wave.
The young woman cocked her head at me and raised a hand in the air in an imitation of my gesture, her expression showing a bit of curiosity.
She was low-key, seemingly not concerned with my presence, looking at me as a novel phenomenon in her world. I wondered what that world consisted of. Was she always here, sometimes visible and sometimes not? Or did she have another world next to ours, in the ether, where she left everything in this world behind and floated in her disembodied form? Did she still feel emotions? Was that really curiosity on her face, or was I projecting? Did she feel happiness? Fear? Did she have the option of moving on, or was she stuck here?
Many questions that I might never get the answers to. And that was assuming Andrew knew the answers, since I’d never met Suzanne Cooper and he hadn’t even mentioned that possibility. This place was clearly her baby, but I’m sure running it was a lot of work. Plus, if she was rich enough to own it, she was rich enough to have other businesses and charities to run.
When it comes to the enclosures, they’re all wrapped by a barrier of some kind, though never one that seems adequate. There was not a single place with the ugly metal weavings of a chain-link fence, and no stretches of circular razor wire. Instead, there are nice fences. Black iron, or wrought steel fencing in a similar style to the one circling the perimeter of the zoo, just shorter and with different patterns. Or a spaced picket fence, the wood stained in some tone of brown, or a split two-rail fence. As if to say, ‘This is the border of your enclosure, but we’re just letting you know out of courtesy.’
When I started to pass enclosure number seven last night, a young woman’s voice spoke, “Hello.”
I startled, unaware that I hadn’t been alone. “Oh. Hi,” I said, staring at her standing a few yards in.
She had been next to a large tree and I hadn’t seen her. This enclosure was behind a picket fence, and she walked through the large area of wild grasses and flowers that stretched across the other side of the fence. There were fewer tall grasses closer to the fence, which I guessed was because it had been tromped down by her regular pacing along it when there were visitors, or if she wanted to see the various enclosures of the zoo. Her sudden appearance was a bit weird, considering I had been expecting to see a cryptid and instead I was looking at, it seemed, an attractive Asian woman.
She wore a black kimono, the soft silk robe draped gently over her body, with beautiful patterns of cherry blossoms, more so over her left side, and red and blue birds with their wings spread. A sash wrapped around her abdomen, she wore socks and sandals on her feet, and her hair was up in those rolls that gave volume to the style.
I was no expert on any fashion, much less that of another country, so I just assumed it was all traditional Japanese clothing. Most likely, the visitors who came liked to see a certain time-honored style and that’s what she stuck with. Or maybe she played on stereotypes. That would be amusing.
“I’m Yui. It’s nice to meet you,” she spoke, arriving at the border of the fence and holding out a hand for me to shake.
I’d been standing about three yards away from her, and I’ll be honest, muscle memory tried to kick in. But I only made it two steps, my hand starting to rise, before I froze, the hand falling limply at my side. “Nice to meet you, too,” I answered, my voice quiet.
Damn. I wonder how many times that honey trap works back where she comes from.
The pleasant look on her face faded, and she lowered her hand. “You won’t shake hands with me? Isn’t that rude?”
“I mean, I kind of like my hand where it is. You know, attached to me.”
Her demure smile widened into something more amused. “I would never do something so revolting.”
Looking her up and down, as if more visual information would give me more knowledge of what she was, I asked her, “What would you do?”
“I would be less wasteful,” she said softly.
A finger of ice trailed down my spine, and I had the sudden image in my head of her grabbing my outstretched hand in an iron grip and yanking me over the fence, leaving me to sprawl on the ground. Then killing and consuming me efficiently, without a single careless step, the same way humans slaughtered pigs, using everything from the hog but the squeal. I was struck with a shiver at the idea of her consuming everything from me but my screams.
Slowly, I took one step further down the path, then another. Just as I got to a walking pace, though, I realized the woman had started walking too, in the same direction. I’d have eventually gotten to the end of her enclosure and keep going, leaving her behind, but she spoke up. “Are you leaving?”
I came to a stop, meeting her gaze again. “My job is to walk the zoo every hour. Then I’ll get back to the security room and stay there until my next walk.”
“Have you met the others yet?”
I hesitated before saying, “Just Leila.”
She blinked languidly. “That means nobody welcomed you here.”
“Andrew did.”
She didn’t reply to that. Instead, she slowly started to lean forward, and I flinched backward a few steps further as I saw insect legs start curling out from her back.
No. Not insect. Arachnid.
The eight legs ended in small ‘paws’ with tiny claws, a layer of hairs covering the leg from top to bottom, like any typical tarantula. I took two more slow steps back and my mouth went dry as the jointed legs just kept lengthening, until they were large enough to lever her off the ground.
My gaze had been on the spider legs, but my heart skipped a beat as I realized her human legs had melded together and turned into a bulging abdomen. Her skin was shifting to a carapace, eventually all the way up to her shoulders and down her arms, her fingers elongating and her nails stretching to claws. From there down, her body was that of a pale tarantula with pedipalps the size of my arms and piercing fangs in her jaws that looked like they could take my head off.
There was a moment, my vision blurring, where I was worried that I might piss myself. The part of my brain that still had its humor intact in that moment told me that I should keep an emergency set of clothes in my car, or at the very least, start wearing Depends to work.
“I show you my true form,” she said softly, her voice now raspy like an eighty-year-old after a lifelong smoking habit. “Welcome to Suzanne Cooper’s zoo. The night shift guard for many years was Roger, before he retired and the zoo moved, and I miss him dearly. What should I call you?”
I choked on my words. There was no way my throat was going to cooperate enough for me to clearly get a sentence out. Instead, I realized my legs had taken control of the situation themselves, unsatisfied with my conscious brain’s decision to stand and stare, taking steps backward. I backed up a yard, then five yards, then ten.
My mind focused on the fact that spiders don’t waste anything, and pictured my demise. I’d be wrapped in a cocoon, killed, and made nice and mushy before she had me for dinner.
The whole time, my brain was a frenzied mess, my pupils were probably the size of dimes, and I was staring at that tiny, pathetic fence between her and me. There was so much adrenaline pumping through my body that I felt like my bones were vibrating. The fence was, to my eyes, the only thing between us. The only thing keeping her from tackling and killing me. My only hope was that she’d do it quickly.
But she didn’t move. As I absorbed her innocent, polite words, the look on her face was calm, and I wondered if this was typically the way a conversation went before she devoured her prey. I wondered how many people she’d eaten. Not humans, not people from Earth, but the ones from where she came from. The fact that she doesn’t scare the shit out of those people means they’re staggeringly dumber than humans.
Finally, I rounded a corner, both relieved at having her out of my sight and worried that she would take that moment to come find me. When she’d been within eyeshot, I had at least known where she was and could run in the other direction. But I didn’t hear the sound of faint footsteps moving rapidly toward me. All was quiet, in that deep, smothering way that only an empty business in the middle of the night in small town America could be.
My hands trembling, I barely paid attention to anything but the confirmation that my surroundings were free of the colossal spider as I finally got back to the door. Grabbing the handle and letting my eyes dart around for about ten seconds and my ears prick for the slightest sound, I finally swiped my key card across the pad and went inside, shutting the door behind me and engaging the backup deadbolt.
Maybe that was why they had decided on keycards. If I was running from something and panicking, using an actual key or inserting the card like at a hotel would keep me from getting to safety considering my hands were shaking enough to mix a margarita.
Walking over to my chair, I fell into it, letting my body flush itself of terror as I looked up at the cameras. There she was, still in arachnid form, exactly where I’d left her behind that rinky-dink fence, casually looking around and slowly pacing back and forth. I stared at her as my racing heart gradually slowed, and a minute or so later she turned on her eight legs and walked back into the trees.
Whatever invisible fences the enclosures have apparently work, which is nice, because I wasn’t keen on getting killed by one of the creatures here. And that’s what brings me here, spilling out everything that’s happened so far. Because nearly passing out from terror isn’t something I wanted to deal with at work, obviously, but I keep going over what she did in my head again and again, and I feel like I reacted like a child who spotted a wolf spider on their bed. I started to worry for my overactive sense of self-preservation, at least in my capacity as an employee here.
The spider didn’t even try to hurt me, and so I was feeling a bit foolish. Even annoyed, actually, at the fact that I’d freaked out so hard and took off instead of trying to engage in at least basic conversation. I got the sense that she wasn’t at human-level intelligence, but I was never going to be able to hold any level of conversation with an alligator.
Sure, she did mention that she wouldn’t be so crass as to yank off my hand because she’d rather just have my entire corpse, but wouldn’t a wolf do the same if it was hungry? Wouldn’t any carnivore? Actually, they probably would’ve been satisfied with one of my hands. The fear here was from the fact that she turned into a giant spider. If she’d turned into Clifford, I would’ve reacted the same way, if not better than, meeting Leila.
With that, I decided I’m staying on the job. Considering how frustrated I can get with foolish people, it’s a bit hypocritical, and I’m being a bit of an idiot. But…there are definitely wards keeping them in their enclosures. Also, I signed up for creatures for another dimension, whether or not I believed in them at the time, and I will not let encountering my first one in an objectively boring way be the reason I quit.
The money is a factor, I’ll grant you. Of course it is. And I can’t spend it if I’m dead, but all signs point to surviving as long as I don’t do anything dumb. Also, yes, I’ll admit there’s a not-so-little voice in the back of my head that’s desperate to know what else is here. I never thought I’d do something like this, but finding out these things are real, I honestly do want to learn more about them.
Still, though, I decided to call Andrew at the end of my shift to ask if the pepper spray and taser I carried worked on a certain spider, as well as the other animals I’d yet to meet.
Previous

Hey,
I dont wanna write a long text so I'll just jump into it.
I am in an almost 3 year relationship, we did LD and now we live together. In the very early stages in our relationship he cheated and I decided to stay since it was in the very begging, we werent very bonded and we had only seen each other 1-2 times. We did couples therapy etc and now we're good.
That incident has created some major insecurities. And what makes it worse, is that he "hides" things to avoid conflict, which leads to arguments since it makes him seem guilty. If youre not guilty, theres nothing to hide. (He had hidden texts with ex flings, I found them, nothing sexual or romantic. They texted him to ask for advice, he's a Dr)
Anyway. Point is. Im insecure.
His birthday was the other day, and his ex (his very first relationship) texted him to wish him. I am totally fine with it. I understand that you dont hate ex's just because theyre ex's lol. Their relationship didnt end badly, they just realised they were young and both wanted to experience new people and thins. So I understand that you appreciate the other person and you can have innocent chat with them.
Also, My bf and I moved to another country recently, therefore new phone numbers.
tl;dr Now...what I dont like... This relationship ended about 12 years ago. So it's a very old thing. They dont chat or talk generally besides wishes for birthdays and Christmas. They used to talk on messenger, but her wish for his bday, was on an app that requires phone number to be able to chat:)
When I confronted him, he said "she asked to switch apps because she doesnt really use messenger). I would totally get it in any other scenario. Why two people would switch apps for the convenience of talking. BUT, when it's once a year....?
Is it normal to ask your 12 year ago ex, his new phone number? With the excuse "I dont use messenger that much and I might not see your text"?
I find that total BS.
Am I insecure to the point that Im paranoid? or is my argument valid?

TW: childhood neglect and verbal abuse - me remembering so many things after last night's session. I just need to tell someone! I repressed this childhood since I moved out of my parents. It's like I died that day and moved on like a robot.
It is as though the illusion I've kept up for the past 24 years of me being always 'happy' and living a happy childhood just shattered entirely.
I have this diary I wrote in a lot in 2014, which is from exactly 10 years ago when I was 14. I cherished it a lot and sometimes would look into it to remember the old days. However, just last week I looked into it again after several months of being more focussed on my mental health (and especially on my childhood & parents.). This time, I saw something entirely different in this cute colorful happy diary.
All I see now, is how I was suffering. Suffering alone and always walking on eggshells. Nothing was ever good enough. Almost every page I refer to 'future me', the one who will understand me. I didn't get that from my parents. Old me, who will listen to how I am feeling and give me the comfort and soothing I so desperately needed.
I write about how I was completely exhausted from highschool, and then constantly bash myself with extremly self critical words. I have pictures of me in there with apologies for being ugly, and stories of 'how I didn't work hard enough'. Several pages describe forms of catastrophizing over the smallest mundane things.
In some pages, I casually mention a family member I dearly loved dying but then downplay it with something else. It's ups and downs by the sentence "It was my birthday yesterday, I had a great time! I am exhausted and drained and school is horrible. I did get a nice gift. I hope grandma stays alive" etc.
All this time I was happily keeping up this story of how happy I was. How I had such loving parents who where always there for me. They would shower me with gifts they could barely afford.
In my house, there were no rules. There was no bedtime. There was no structure - no breakfast together or chores I had to do. Everyone was jealous of me, because I was so free, but child and teenage me were constantly longing for someone to care.
I would be gone from home as much as I could. The atmosphere was so hectic. One day you'd come home to a happy loving mom who has all the patience and curiousity to hear about my day and my struggles. The other I would walk in and get scolded about how I was nothing. One day she was willing to help me with my feelings and emotions, but in other days she'd scold me for having them! I should be strong because according to mom, she's cyinic, and the world is 'angry and cruel. The world is unfair.' Now get up and don't wallow in your sadness and self-pity.
It's like they would give a gift sometimes, just to then call me ungrateful every day after. According to them I was unthankful, selfish, and my mom said I'd act as if the world revolved only around me. If I'd say "huh, I never said that?! I would never say such a thing?" she said "that is just what you think you are doing. But in reality, you're ruining it for everyone".
Eitherway, after going through the entire diary without skipping a page, I remembered I once made a video of my mom attacking me. I looked it up, and for the first time in 8 years I had the mental energy to watch it. My jaw dropped to the floor. I never even saw someone act so horrible before but it's me going through it....
t's like my world shattered. My mom was treating me absollutely horribly in this video. I don't even remember! You can see her face, and she is so scary! Here eyes look like pure hurt, as if she was throwing her own traumatic upbringing onto me and blaming me for it. She looks at me as if she's completely disgusted by me! The entire rant of hers is a complete mind trip where she downplays everything I say and spins it around as if I was just a burden who tried to make life for my parents worse.
I would never help with chores. Because, if I asked if she needed help, she didn't. I didn't have to do anything in the house but also did not know how to do anything. Then on other days she'd get angry I wasn't doing enough in the house and mention how our life should be about "giving and taking" and I should participate in that.
Now having read all of this, and watching some more video's of these attacks, I remember many things. How my parents would lock me up in the dark cold hallway because I had a "tantrum". They say it 'wasn't that long' but overstimulated and panicked todler me would bawl her eyes out. I felt so abandoned. In my life, alltogether, my strongest feeling is guilt. I feel guilty for everything. I feel shame. I feel ugly when I cry.
I only managed to teach myself how to release emotions in january this year. I never knew. I couldn't cry since years. When I finally managed this year, I'd notice I'd feel so ugly. My cries sound like my mom crying. She'd cry in our house regularly at some point. Really messy, really loud.
Because of constantly being told I wasn't doing enough, or that I didn't care, I wanted to please. I would muster up the courage and shun myself for how difficult and bad it felt to do so. I would ask her "mom, are you okay? Do you need a hug?"
She'd turn around on her desk chair and YELL. Loud. Screaming at me to get out of her face. Just get out of our life. This happened several times. I'd just walk away from the house. I felt so alone and unwanted. I never could do it right. My dad would just avoid my gaze.
Some days I would be begging my mom for a hug. Just for some attention. But she was so overstimulated that she couldn't even give me a touch. I would feel so lost and alone and just go outside and distract myself with imaginary games. I remember because of this, the moments where I would overheat my parents show off to parents of friends of mine how "I was such an easy kid" and how I could entertain myself and be happy for hours. The other parents would be jealous. I wouldn't know why this would make me cry
My life first going to school was just sheer terror. I felt so abandoned. Every time mom dropped me off I'd kling around her leg crying and screaming. Then afterwards, I wouldn't want to go home either. I remember how later in my childhood I still felt guilty for this behavior, because mom must have been so ashamed. I'd hang around teachers and daycare adults all the time. I wanted to hug everyone, because that was what I so desperately wanted.
My dad could never give hugs. Sometimes he'd allow it, but it would feel so distant. If my mom was starting to freak out about me, he'd sometimes intervere and call me to 'it's done now!' and 'go to bed'! No matter the time. I'd lay in my bed, just trying to curl up and feel somewhat comfortable.
In primary school, I would constantly visit friends. It continued in highschool too. I had two music classes and sports, so for four days a week I was settled after school - not having to go home immediately. Home didn't feel safe. It wasn't a constant. Some days there would be dinner at a nicely put dinner table and we'd eat together, some days I'd just eat some bread myself.
Some days mom would just be lying in bed. I found a video, that's why I remember. She would'nt get out until the beginning of the evening. This was in the time she would normally make me some lunch, or ya-know, take care of me. Suddenly I'd have to do everything alone.
I was constantly entertaining myself with imaginary friends at home. I'd play outside until I was 17 or so, alone. My cat was pure innocence and love but when I told my parents he was 'coughing' they didn't want to believe me. They only took him to the vet when it was too late and never apologized or were able to own up for this.
When I was 14 I wrote in my diary I was looking forwards to visit grandma. She's my mom's mom, and I would sometimes spend up to a week there just to be able to relax and be loved unconditionally. My mom would terroize me with her stress and anger and accusations to a point I couldn't focus on school. I wrote how she'd come into my room calling me names and how I couldn't read my homework papers through the tears.
My dad was never really there. He'd choose himself to be out of the house in the morning before mom and I'd be out and then when he was back he wouldn't make it further into the house than his TV chair. My parents would watch TV for hours when I was a kid. If I asked "what are you watching" they'd both go "Shhhh!". If I'd push it futher, the'd send me upstairs.
I feel like I spend so much time just hiding from my parents. Wheter it was upstairs in my bedroom all day, and night, or if it was outside. I now also remember just biking for hours crying hoping someone would stop and console me. I'd make the wrong friends and smoke weed at 16 just to stop the thoughts.
I would visit friends just because their house was calm and safe. I'd get a nice dinner there, and it would be a whole new experience. My parents would always be easily agitated. I am hyper senstive, hyper aware. I get uncomfortable just seeing them being uncomfortable. I remember I could already feel the energy from streets away. Sometimes I knew it would be wrong and I'd just bike somewhere else and go home later.
In one diary entry, I describe how my parents told me to write a letter to my dad's mom for her birthday. I finish the letter, and only then I allowed myself to take a shower and take care of myself. I would rot in bed, and rot in my dirty hair for days, just like mom. On other days she'd be so happy, she'd be re-decorating the entire house, invite me to go rollerskating.
But I also remember how many times my parents threatened to throw me out of the car. I remember how my 'reaction' to whatever they 'gave me' would never suffice. Then I would be the bad guy, for not being thankful.
My parents, they did everything for me. They paid for everythingg. Ya-da Ya-da, but I never had a proper hug from my dad. I don't know why he's even with my mom. I think he's a fun dude, but he's in mental pain. My mom told me way too young how her trauma's affected her. My dad's childhood would always be an excuse that I had to empathize with when I asked mom as a kid "if dad really loved me".
Other memories involve me running upstairs and then one parent following me. I don't remember getting hurt physically, but I remember all my life the pain I can see in their eyes.
If I look at pictures from my teenage years now, I can finally see the depression in my eyes. It took me up until this year to finally understand that having a clean kitchen and bathroom is something you do because you think you are worthy of a clean space. I had to get out of a depressionhole again over the years many times. I now realize the constant self critisism should have been self love. So that I would feel worthy of taking a shower and brushing my teeth.
I now see how what I saw as 'good experiences' are mostly just my parents taking me somewhere to do some activity and it just fits the perfect family picture. I was their only child but we'd celebrate christmas with many, many presents for me. But once my grandparents didn't live anymore, the birthday parties and tradition celebrations weren't hosted anymore by my parents. I wonder for who they truly did it. I was a golden child, but later in life I was just a burden.
I moved out the first chance I got. They didn't stop me. I was barely 17. I got into partying and drug abuse. I would sleep for weeks in bed. Barely ate. Then I would drag myself out of it again and have missed my mom's birthday. I was the one ruining the relationship to them.
I realized last year my parents had not called me for over 7 months. That was the first time I cried since the last time I did as teen. It's always coming from me.
My depression, my axieties and the treatment my parents gave me were never seen. It was never validated until I could finally read my diary with new eyes and watch those videos. I never got professional help but I will look for this now. I am really longing for someone to tell me what I was going through wasn't normal.
I did not remember this until yesterday, BUT, I am so used to being called weak, sensitive, a cry-baby, a bitch, for telling my mom how her verbal abuse made me feel. I feel so weird, how I repressed all of this for so long and the past years I tried so hard to still visit them and give them hugs and they felt good and now it all just feels fake and weird again.
Well yeah, so this is about everything that's been on my mind today. I feel totally weird. It's a tuesday and I couldnd't even work today. I am lost.

Hello, everyone.
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After my x ended the relationship in a very abrupt, immature way, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. Venting and chatting to others who have been in a similar situation has also helped.
I initially ended the relationship last yr, after 5yrs together. I still loved him, but I realized that he could not be the 1 I spend the rest of my life with. Living together, having many good moments, were overshadowed by his disrespect, lack of consideration, and intentions of cheating many times while we were together. Ever since I ended it, we tried to work through it, I allowed my feelings to be stronger than my self-respect. there was constant arguing and manipulation. I tried from my side, took him for breakfast a day before his birthday, since he was spending it with family, went to visit him again after they left. i got sick the next week but made plans for the weekend to make up for his birthday, so had to postpone but said we could chill instead. He refused to see me the entire week. I decided to visit some family who i haven't seen in years and see him after. He was livid, ignored me the entire day. He ended it the next day over the phone after a series of verbally abusive voice notes. he cut the call before i could say anything. I overlooked many red flags for the sake of 'working through things' and being naively in love. I realized he was a nice guy not a good guy

• love bombed me in the beginning, but always made time, effort showed he cared, so I believed he truly loved me.
• seeing family more than once p/m was an issue, if i had plans with my family (incl him) he argued that he/relationship is not a priority to me & I'm always putting them above him
• say how he could treat his work crush better than her current boyfriend. whenever i brought up such incidents he said "why would worry about that instead focus on us and all the good we share, I'm ungrateful for everything he has done"
• DM women on social media. after confronting, he replied to their stories and argued it's not the same and it's not like he met/slept with them (his mom supported and agreed with him). I communicated how it felt and it's affecting how I show up in the relationship.
• wanted a break while I was going through grief because his needs weren't being met. once I was better, he wanted me back. Did not want to see when I was sick. "I don't want to get sick. you could go to the doctor, why can't you stop by and see me?" he said
• made me think I was insecure for not being okay with him liking other girls, checking up on his ex or checking up on my friend who he thought was attractive. later found out he flirted with her, till today he argues that I took it out of context and "I want to show I care because it's your friend, like I care about your sister"
• severe social anxiety - whenever i left him (with mutual acquaintances) to help around at family gatherings, he would blow up when we got home saying "he's not a priority, how could i leave him, showed that family is more important than him"
• nothing i did was ever enough. even surprising him with lingerie, he would criticize how/what i could have done better
• breadcrumbing with promise of marriage (i dodged a bullet!) and romantic gestures
• felt like i was jumping through hoops and had to prove myself
• had a short temper and would take out his rage for unreasonable things (eg. not getting my card out fast enough at the till)
• around his family/outsiders he was extra nice, extra 'loving' to me as well. my (ex)friend dismissed my claim of him being a narcissist because he was so nice to her.
• His insecurities were so bad, he self-sabotaged. blamed everything on me
• in the middle of his rage fits, while verbally abusing me, he would say things like: "look you are next to me, you won't even show me any affection or ask about my day" this was bizarre because he expected me to still be normal even while he took his anger out on me, and I was in tears.

Just to name some of the issues I did not take seriously enough to end it earlier, I realized how easy it is to be emotionally abused and not be aware of it especially when its conflict mixed with affection & looking at just the good+chemistry. For months I had anxiety around him, cognitive dissonance even during the good times. He never took accountability, had no integrity. His image to others is so important. I was initially sad & heartbroken, had so much self-doubt from all the gaslighting and believing i was the one that destroyed a 'good' relationship, but came to the conclusion that he only wanted me for how I made him feel & filled his voids/needs because when I was ill/down it was when his mask came off. I have so much to offer as a person compared to him, and yet I allowed his insecurities and my feelings for him, to make me feel like I'm not worthy. had so much regret and resentment, now I hold pride in me being a genuine person, staying loyal, being kind and having integrity despite everything he put me through
I'm finally closing this chapter and glad for all the lessons I needed to learn and finally learning about boundaries. And to also come back to this if ever he has to reach out lol.

I don’t know what to do. I have tried absolutely everything.
So I’m a woman in my 30s who has a degree, a good enough job and all I do is work, come home, eat alone and loneliness is eating me up.
I have felt this way since I was 23 years old.
I don’t have a community of friends. I have around 3 fairly close people who were from different parts of my life (one an old job, one from high school, one from college) who I see now and then but there’s no intense, talk constantly, I can tell them anything kind of friendship, they are just people I can grab lunch with now and then months apart.
My dating life has been horrendous. I can’t even explain how bad. It makes me feel like I’m this disgusting rat. All 3 friends and family members plus random people I’ve known throughout my jobs and things have all commented on how strange it is that I don’t have a partner and how badly things go for me.
The people I have dated in my past have all treated me very similarly. As in, I’ve never had an amicable breakup that ended nicely. They’ve all left me feeling awful. Everyone has always been extremely blunt in telling me I’m basically not good enough. Some phrases I’ve heard were: “you make me feel like I want to get myself back” “I didn’t ever see a future with you and didn’t know why I didn’t tell you this before” “you’re boring” “I understand why your friends and family don’t bother with you” “I just don’t care about you” “
I don’t drink alcohol and all these people told me at the start it wasn’t a problem for them. But sooner or later they would comment on how nice it would be if I joined them for a wine out on the porch after work or be able to go to a cocktail bar. And they would pressure me into doing it despite my strong stance on just not enjoying it. It almost seemed like everyone I dated was a disguised alcoholic even though they weren’t because that was the topic of a lot of our arguments … even though I know they weren’t in their “normal life” but just with me alcohol seemed so important that I didn’t do it.
I always came away feeling awful. I have an array of hobbies and find myself interesting - care for animals, reading, hiking, nature, skiing, cycling, I draw, and also write stories - nobody was ever interested in reading any or caring.
Whenever I go out with friends their partners… care. It’s something I noticed a lot. They’d text or call and ask for updates. Even when I was in relationships this didn’t happen. I’ve never, EVER had a partner or boyfriend who cared about me. This is not normal and I’ve never felt loved.
Both of my parents aren’t here either and I have a weird relationship with my brother. He’s married with kids and we aren’t close. I’ve tried and again I feel “not enough”. He tells me he doesn’t WANT to go on vacations with me because I don’t drink and he likes to go to bars and sip wine at nice places and I’d just not be compatible with him on holiday. He therefore doesn’t ever ask to hang out with me in our own country.
I was only ever close with my mother and miss her so much it hurts. I don’t feel connected with anyone and feel my personality must be so awful that nobody wants me around.
I’ve travelled a lot and even lived in other countries and feel deflated. If I do something pretty cool or a nice achievement I can’t tell anyone. Sure, a couple of my friends might send a nice text but I have nobody to hug, kiss or hype me up. I come home to my empty apartment and just have my own thoughts.
Every date I go on recently is a reflection of my past. People just seem to be super interested in the start, as in.. I have no issues getting matches and getting a good conversation flowing, sometimes even up to three moths of dating but then it ends. The same patterns occur where they suddenly don’t want a serious thing and are gone.
I’m broken making these constant deep connections with strangers only to then feel like I never knew them at all.
Friends have told me in the past I am too nice and fall too hard and people can see this but I don’t get it.
I pour my heart and soul into connections I do make, am sweet and caring and it’s never enough for people. I’ve never ever felt anything was ever reciprocated.
Everyone around me has a marriage - a stable, grown adult marriage with house problems and real life stuff, kids or engagements, stuff like that. I want that so much. I want a person to share my life with. I am so tired of being alone and being on this age on apps and going through the same things feeling so unloved and unwanted.
I look around - and this is going to sound judgmental and I don’t mean to be. But I look around at others I knew from school and friends and things and even people who are either not very attractive or even people with horrific personalities (mean, screechy, drama central kind of people) have good loyal husbands and a fairly decent enough life.
I feel like I’ve witnessed multiple situations where people cheat, so awful things and still someone is FIGHTING for someone to stay, fighting for love, somebody is a staple in their life worth it.
For me that’s just exactly what I feel I don’t have. Nobody has ever fought for me. Never cared enough to even go into a serious, let’s live together, maybe get married situations. Nobody has ever made effort the way I do. I’m good looking enough, not the most sexy person in the room but get told I’m natural beauty, cute and stuff like that. I try and take care of myself. I have that “sweet shy gentle” type personality and everyone I meet tells me I have such a good heart and soul. I really do everything for people. So I don’t understand.
I’m terrified of this continuing and I’m exhausted. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I’m absolutely broken with feeling like my whole life has been loss around me, in terms of death of my loved ones and also loss of people I’ve cared for and wanted something with, loss of friendships that were once more solid and now are casual, just loss of everything.
Like I said I’ve tried travelling, lived in other countries, joined so many hobby groups and clubs, the amount of nights I’ve sat at a random meet up of a social night with a soft drink and chatted and gave it my all for nothing to come of it is hard to remember, I’ve even reached out on social media to old friends from random hobbies and school and nothing comes of anything.
I don’t know what else to do. I enjoy my own company but I’m now at a point where it’s depressing me so much. I don’t want this to be my life. I want to go to theme parks with someone and feel alive. I want to book holidays with someone and get excited. I want to pack together and prepare their bags. I want to ask someone about their day. I want to share plans. I don’t want to just come home anymore and stare at a wall. Constantly see people thriving on social media. Have no family at important holidays. Nobody to celebrate things, I feel so empty and not even a part of society when I see the beach packed with people, gifts for sale in stores, etc. it’s not for me because I have no one.
I don’t know what else to do. If something cool happens in my day it didn’t really happen because I am literally by myself and have nobody who cares. I feel like other single people still have close friends or a mother or father who is interested, even a community of some sort. But I am literally alone.
Even when I do stuff with friends it’s only for an hour or two and I’ll get a taste of what a nice happy life is like, maybe an hour walking along a nice beach or a nice dinner somewhere with people around us then I’m back to being alone when they go back home to their husbands and have a cute night.
I cry everyday and don’t understand this. I’m so envious of people who have tons of people in their life. I never will have that even if I find a partner. But it just kills that even that part doesn’t exist. I can’t even explain how empty I feel. My birthday went by with one text message from one of my close friends and the other two sent one days later saying they forgot and had been busy. It’s like I don’t exist. And I’m terrified and don’t know what to do.

Some background- I am in a friend group that formed within the last year. We're 5 queer women in our 30s. We hang out as a group probably once a month, and have gone on one trip together in the winter. I know that other women in this group hang out more regularly without me. This has made me insecure at times, but I know that it is ok and normal for different connections to be stronger based on personality and/or place in life.
In terms of my effort- I ask everyone over to hang as a group, and took lead on the winter trip. So more group hangs. I've tried here and there to make plans 1:1 and it hasn't worked out due to schedules. I am more introverted, have a hobby that takes a lot of time, and a have girlfriend, so I haven't pushed it due to time. I also don't want to force anything.
Current situation - There were talks of the friends going out of town for a birthday in the group. Last month I was told it was cancelled and we're all going out the following weekend instead. This weekend I realized almost everyone in the group was on a trip. One woman was not there as she was on a trip with her partner. The trip consisted of the remaining 3 friends, as well as the friend group of one of the girlfriends which I don't know well.
Initially I was a caught of guard, tried to be honest with myself that they all hang out with each other individually and I maybe was just not close enough to invite. Even as I write this, I am reminded that their decision not to invite me may be uncomfortable, but it makes sense.
What I am dealing with is those insecure thoughts of "but why?". Have I not been showing up as a good friend? Have I made people feel badly? Is there a reason outside of schedules 1:1 friendship is not forming?
Part of me would like to bring it up- not accusing about not being invited. But just checking in if there is any way I have not brought a positive energy. I want to communicate to improv. And if it was just some other logical reason, then clear the air and keep feeling good in the group. But I also don't want to make a big deal out of nothing. I am also not sure how to bring it up since we always see each other in a group setting.
Though I am trying to assume the best and not let my emotions to me, I am evidently still feeling insecure. Any advice or level setting is appreciated. Thanks!

Hello...again. I'm still crusading with everything that has helped me live (mostly) Chiari symptom free for many years, and the next idea I want to share is uncomfortable. It won't feel good to read but if you think it doesn't relate to you I promise you--it relates to everyone and anyone who has a chronic condition or is sick in any way.
Little info about me:
Type 1 Chiari, 20mm. Diagnosed 2016; surgery was offered but not taken. My primary symptom was/occasionally is debilitating head pain from strain/pressure.
Links to my previous posts on the subject:
Living Well With Chiari - Without Surgery
Take a Life Inventory
Reducing Triggers
Improving Overall Health
Now...
Don’t hate me for asking, but…what do you get out of being sick?
No one consciously likes being sick. No one longs for the skull-splitting pain that can accompany a Chiari malformation. No one relishes dizzy spells and nausea and eye sensitivity and poor coordination or the other twenty dozen symptoms that our doctors may or may not take seriously, that there may or may not be treatment for, and that may or may not rule our lives BUT with every illness there is always some kind of advantage.
At my worst, Chiari was the BEST at getting me out of things. Excruciating pain excused me from everything. Family gatherings, friend parties, work events…cleaning the house, taking care of myself, or doing anything other than watching TV and drinking wine. I didn’t have to do SHIT. Because I couldn’t. And the Chiari was permission to give no fucks what anyone else wanted or needed or how they felt about my withdrawal from life. It was the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card.
I mean, I was miserable…but I was basking in that misery.
I was in so much pain I couldn’t think about how to live better. I couldn’t worry about such things as my weight or the future of my writing or how filthy my floors were. I was barely living. And it was awful.
It was also a way out.

i was a sick person.

To my core, that was me: SICK. I didn’t realize how bad it was until my husband—who never gets a cold—complained of a virus and my internal dialogue went something like this: What? He thinks he’s sick? What a laugh! He’s not sick. NOBODY is sick like me.
I owned illness above all else. I hated it, but it was MINE. Every coughing fit, every spike of head pain, every wall I stumbled into, every night I cried myself to sleep. Being sick was who I became.
And I would never get well until I stopped being a sick person.
The Chiari had its sneaky tendrils snaked into every facet of my life, like we were woven together in a most elaborate tapestry of illness and pain. To begin healing, I had to untether from it. I had to separate myself from every Chiari strand until every fiber of my being was free.
If it sounds metaphorical, it’s not. It’s literal and simple (though seldom easy). Every time Chiari became a thought or an excuse, that was my cue to change the dialogue. For example, when I was contemplating changing jobs, I remembered my brief stint as a bartender in 2011 and immediately my brain said: I can’t do that anymore; what if I have a coughing fit behind the bar? Limiting beliefs running rampant in my brain needed to get shut down and rewritten into something more supportive, like: I would love to work with animals or in nature. That’s the kind of job I should be looking for!
In that kind of rewrite, I’m not denying that I might encounter pain or discomfort, but I’m choosing not to let pain or discomfort be the focus or run the show. Instead of looking at what I don’t want to experience, I’m putting my attention on the things that I do.
More than changing my thoughts, I had to stop using Chiari as an excuse to get out of living…and everything else…which meant showing up one minute at a time in all the places that I used to avoid, being present with all the people and situations the Chiari had shielded me from.

if i wanted to live without its pain, i also had to live without its protection.

Now, it’s true that there are plenty of legitimate physical limitations that accompany illnesses, Chiari included, but the problem comes when you talk yourself out of anything and everything because of them. I could get out of bed, I just chose not to. I could show up in life, I just chose not to. I could write a book or clean my house or have a kid…I just chose not to.
Or, rather, the Chiari chose for me.
Pandering to Chiari’s whims wasn’t limited to thoughts. It was in every decision I made, every choice to live small, every act to hide and shut down. It was in the purse that I carried (will it fit a water bottle to stave off a coughing fit?), the places that I went (can’t go there, the air in that store is guaranteed to tickle my lungs), the way I spent my time (I can’t visit those friends…I’ll have too much fun and want to laugh and laughing hurts so my head so much), and plans for the future (how can I have children when I can’t even take care of myself?).
Untethering from Chiari took work. And it’s still ongoing. Most of the ways that I have used Chiari to limit myself have been eradicated. My life, as a result, looks vastly different than it did in 2016 at the height of the pain. Today I’m a stay at home mom with a son, I have energy, I take Zumba classes, I write every day, my fiction has been produced by podcasts, I spend time outdoors every day, I laugh (sometimes it still hurts), I go into stores (sometimes) without bottles of water, I don’t drink wine every night (I don’t need to), and I’m free from the anxiety and depression that was once as crippling as the head pain that I only seldom experience. I am living.
If there’s one strand that I haven’t untethered from yet, it’s the fear around getting sick. I am terrified of being around sick people. I can’t even blame COVID, though it certainly contributed to the anxiety. I don’t know if I’ll ever be comfortable with someone coughing in my vicinity, knowing how bad it will hurt my head if I catch whatever they’re hacking up, and I don’t know if it’s necessarily a bad thing to keep my distance when I know someone is sick (I mean, shouldn’t we be doing that anyway?) but I’m trying to be less afraid. Or, at least, I’m trying to be less of a jerk about it when that fear takes over and people don’t understand why their cold is literally my kryptonite.
What I don’t do is use Chiari as an excuse to get out of living. I show up every day in every way and life keeps getting better. Bigger. Chiari Free.

Hi all,
I'm looking at installing a BlackVue DR970X into my car and hardwiring the camera to my fuse box.
I am a little concerned with my car battery being drained due to parking mode, but I definitely want to have parking mode enabled... so looking to get more information at this point.
I know there is a voltage check cut-off which will turn the camera off if the camera doesn't detect a level of power, but I don't think this is what I want as the camera will then basically turn off within a couple of minutes of me turning off my car and not record events after this.
My questions:

1. Will the camera constantly draw power while my car is turned off/parked? From what I've read, parking mode just stops the camera from writing to the SD card memory unless there is an event but it is constantly drawing power in order to be ready for these events.
   
2. If the above is true: If I decide to not drive my car for two days - will the camera have drained my car battery since it was in parking mode constantly for those two days?
   
3. Is there possibly less power draw while in parking mode?
   

If anyone can answer the questions above or If anyone has their own personal experience to share, that would be appreciated!
Thanks in advance!

This is my first reddit post, although I have been a long time lurker of many subreddits. I am 23 years old and an only child. I am not a native english speaker, so please forgive any weird formatting or any spelling/grammar mistakes.
As the title states, my mom died ... and I am currently writing this to try and process this whole situation. I've tried to section all the paragraphs in chronological order, to make reading easier. Sorry for the extremely long post - I just needed to get it all out.
We only just celebrated her 60th birthday back in february. She did all the cooking, cleaning and planning without any trouble - even down to picking out the perfect napkins and flowers for her white and gold theme.
My mother was without a job. She had been jobless for almost 2 years now, after she was fired from her old cleaning job due to frequent sick days because of stomach cramps and pain. She was seen by a doctor back in 2022 for her stomach aches, and they found no physical cause - hence why we concluded it must've been due to stress. The stress and stomach pains subsided after she'd been fired. So we thought no more of it.
In march she was doing a 4-week internship in a local supermarket to see if she might've been a good fit for a permanent paid position. This is common practice for unemployeed people here in Denmark.
My mother started having stomach pains again during this internship, soon followed by back pains as well. She figured this was due to her spending most of the day sitting as a cashier in an uncomfortable position. My mother wasn't very tall, so she had trouble reaching the floor pedals that control the cashier conveyer belt.
In the beginning of april, she went to the doctor. Her stomach and back pains hadn't gone away although the internship was over. Her doctor also concluded it was most likely due to her uncomfortable working position, and that it would pass in a few weeks time. The doctor did some bloodwork, and found that she was severely lacking vitamin D, but nothing else seemed concerning at the time.
In the middle of april, her pains had only gotten worse, and she went to the doctor again. Her doctor did more bloodwork, and did a phisycal exam of my mothers stomach. Her doctor ordered a CT scan to check for anything serious.
19th of april. I accompany my mother to the hospital for her CT scan. We get told that we'll have the results in a week or so. My mother is not looking good when I pick her up at the bus station. She is more pale than usual, and has trouble walking at her usual pace.
23th of april. My mother received a referral to a meeting at the hospital with a doctor and nurse, to discuss the results of the CT scan. This referral is sent from the hospitals cancer department. My mother and I speak on the phone, she is concerned, but I tell her that this type of referral must just be standard pratice, and that she shouldn't worry untill we have spoken with the doctor. I cried that night.
25th of april. The day before her meeting with the doctor, I received a phone call from my mother. She tells me that she had fallen while at home, but that I shouldn't worry. I, of course, worry.
I pack my things and leave for my mothers house, I live an hour away by bus. When I finally arrive my mother seems okay-ish, but the house is another story. My mother is normally known for being a clean freak, and her house has always been clean and organized, But it wasn't anymore.
Her kitchen was a mess, and the dishwasher hadn't been empited or loaded for at least two weeks. Her bathroom is even worse, and I won't even begin to describe the state of the toilet it self. It is a sight that will horrify me for the rest of my life. I cleaned everything, while my mother rested.
My mother had also started sleeping on the guest bed, saying her own was too uncomfortable for her.
While cleaning the bathroom, my mother wakes up. Despite her state, she says she wants to help. But before I can even tell her no, my mother has another fall. Her legs essentially just crumble beneath her, and she falls backwards and lands head first on the floor. We argue back and forth about calling an ambulance, but she refuses to let me - so I don't, even though I should have. I guess I still respected my moms authority too much.
My mother lives alone, as my parents are divorced (they are very good friends though). My mother refuses to let me call my dad and tell him about this whole situation. She is stubborn and too proud to admit defeat.
26th of april. We take a taxi to the hospital. The taxi driver has a help my mother into the car. During the carride my mother says very little, but seems slightly delirious and very tired. When we arrive at the hospital, I quickly borrow a hospital wheelchair for my mother. She is almost unable to walk unassisted at this point.
After waiting for a while in the waiting area, a nurse comes and guides us to a meeting room. My mother is very tired at this point, and still delirious, and I have to handle most of the conversation with the doctor.
The CT scan results showed Pancreatic cancer. The cancer had already spread to her liver and abdomial cavity.
I had read about this cancer a few days prior, trying to figure out what was wrong with my mother. I knew what this meant, and I knew that it was effectively a death sentence. The doctor told us that an operation was out of the question, since the cancer had already spread. And due to the clearly weak state of my mothers health, chemo would also not be offered, as it would finish her.
I told the doctor of her two falls and the state of her home, and that she would not be safe on her own. The doctor had her admitted to a nearby bed department for stomach- and gastrointestinal surgery patients.
The hospital did a ton of bloodwork on my mother when she got admitted, and everything was off. All numbers were either too high or dangerously low. My mothers health was in fact so bad, that I was told she was a heart attack risk. I was also told that if a heart attack happened, she would not be brought back - as it would only prolong a very short and painful life.
I called my dad.
27th of april. My mother slept most of the day.
28th of april. My mother had another fall during the night, trying to get to the bathroom.
29th of april. My dad shows up to the hospital. He wasn't able to get off work until now, as he works in the other end of the country. He is shocked to see my mother in this state. We are told once again by a different doctor that nothing can be done. They are looking into getting her a spot at a nearby hospice.
The rest of the remaining week is spent in hospital. My dad and I are by my mothers side every day. She doesn't leave her hospital room, apart from a few times a day for a smoke break outside. My dad and I take her outside in a wheelchair, which she needs help to get in and out of.
Her bloodwork is showing some slight improvements, but she is still having trouble with infections and receives a lot of antibiotics. She eats like a mouse, but drinks a lot of fluids.
My mother is often very confused or tired most days. She gets referred for an MR scan, to see if the cancer has spread to her brain, or if one of her falls has caused permanent damage. Lucikly the MR scan shows that nothing is wrong with her brain.
She gets confused about her diagnosis a few times, thinking that she had brain cancer instead due to the MR scan. I have to remind her a couple times about what the doctor actually said.
6th of may. My mother seems to have stabilized somewhat so my dad has gone back to work.
7th of may. I get told by the hospital staff that my mother is to be transferred to a different hospital, which is one hour away. I become very upset by this news, and unfortunately yell at one of my mothers nurses in frustration. I yell at her that It'll be harder for me to get to my mother in time if something were to happen. I am ashamed of this childish behavior, as the transfer was the best desicion for my mother in hindsight.
I leave with my mother as we get transferred to the new hospital and their department of palliative care.
I am very ashamed by my behavior to my mothers old nurse, as this department for palliative care was truly the best place for my mother. She seemed very satisfied and happy to have been transferred. They have a large garden with wild flowers, and lovely staff. And my mother got a much bigger room all to herself. She also meets with their physical therapist, who helps my mother relieve some of her pain.
My mother and I have dinner together in the evening in her hospital room. My mom is her old self, although with some delayed speaking. I unfortunately have to rush a bit when leaving, as to not miss my bus home, so I quickly say goodbye to her and leave.
8th of may. In the morning on my way to the new hospital, I received a phone call from her new doctor. My mothers liver has suddenly started to fail due to the cancer. When I arrive, she is asleep. I am told she wont wake up again.
I called my dad, but he wont arrive until the evening, due to the distance from his workplace.
I spend most of the day in my mothers hospital room, listening to her sleep. She occasionally attempts to cough in her sleep, but it mainly just sounds like yells. It is terrifying. The nurses give her pain medication and some sleep medication to help her body relax.
My dad arrives in the late evening. We drive to my mothers house and stay the night there. We spend most of the late evening looking at pictures and scrapbooks of my mother, and packing a bag with clothes for her, for when she passes.
When prepareing the guest bed for my dad, we find a blanket that my mother slept on. It is stained, matching the previous state of the bathroom. We throw the blanket out.
9th of may. Mom is sleeping. Dad and I spend the day at the hospital, but we don't sit in her hospital room. It is too eerie and uncomfortable. We check on her occassionally. Towards the evening, her breathing becomes slightly more rapid and quick. But the nurses tell us to go home. There is no reason for us to sit by her side during the night - as it'll only make it worse for us.
10th of may. I wake at 6.12 am to my phone ringing. It is a nurse. My mother has passed away in her sleep at 6.05 that morning due to liver failure. My dad and I drive to the hospital. I am the first to see her body after the nurses prepared and dressed it in the clothing we picked.
(warning: the following paragraph may be slightly upsetting to some readers)
It it eerie and uncomfortable to see my mother like this. A symptom of pancreatic and liver cancers is that your skin will yellow. Something that I hadn't noticed in my mother till now. I cant help but think that she looks like a wax doll, although I feel horrible for thinking it. I finally touch her hand, after gathering the courage to, almost like I am afraid to distrub her. Her hands are cold, and only get colder as I sit by her side. I am supposed to say my goodbyes to her, and tell her how much she means to me, but in this moment I am speechless. I can't say anything, even on my mothers deathbed. I feels wrong to speak to a corpse. I should've said those things while she could hear them instead. I kiss her forehead before I leave the room.
17th of may. Funeral. The church and casket was beautifully decorated with colorful flowers, like my mother had requested. She didn't want anything white or depressing. I cried all the way through the funeral service, stopping only when it was time to carry the casket out. My dad on the left side, and me on the right, and some other family members behind us. Purple rain by Prince was played on the church piano as we carried the casket. I knew the casket would be heavy, but nothing prepared me for the sheer weight of that thing.
21th of may. Today. I don't really know what to think of my mothers death. Some days I almost forget that shes gone or that all this has been happening, until something reminds me of it.
In a way, I am thankful. Of course I didn't want my mother to die, but I'm glad that her suffering wasn't prolonged for months while she slowly withered away to cancer. And I'm thankful that my mother didn't live to suffer from alzheimers, like her own mother. And I am glad that if anything, my mothers death has brought my dad and I closer.
But at the same time, I am angry that she didn't get to live more of her life. She was only 60 years old, and should have had 20 more years at least. If she at least was 70, it might've been easier to lose her but I doubt it.
I think mostly of all the things she will miss out on, which saddens me the most. I am 23 and my mother wont get to see most of my life or my achivements. If I have kids, she'll never meet them, and she I get married, she'll never see it. My 24th birthday is coming up soon, and I don't know how I'll handle that day without my mother for the first time - or christmas for that matter.
I want my mom.

Tl;dr I 20F have been with my boyfriend 21M for over 2 years now. I really love him but sometimes his love for football (and all ball games) really gets to me. This might sound really selfish of me, but I am at a loss at this point. I have never been into games, matches etc. I do enjoy the eurocup and world cup but that’s pretty much it.
When we started dating we wouldn’t see each other on the weekends as we live quite far apart and were both in college then, so I didn’t know just how much he did enjoy soccer. I knew he supported man united and I started watching a few games of premier league even in my own time, I did start to enjoy it… Until i got to know him more and realized our weekends would be consumed by games.. whether that were his own matches with his club or “A REALLY BIG GAME”, every. single. weekend. I really did try to accommodate him and find a place so he can watch it or park my car somewhere so that he can prop it up on my radio and watch it.
Now and the last year and a half we only really have weekends together (we still live an hour apart), and i have started to resent football, it’s too much and it’s not just premier league anymore, it’s the FA cup, the champions league, hurling, u20s (anything), football ETC… and he’s ALWAYS on fantasy (a mobile game where these are all recorded and you play against friends etc.) then he has training on or a match on in the middle of the weekend at a really awkward time..
I love to do things with him but I feel like we need to always plan around him and his games. I have always been scared of a relationship like this because i always wanted to share common interests and passions (my problem is I don’t have any). I feel trapped and like I can’t really do what I want on a weekend. I hate that too because i’d love for him to be able to share this love with me but I have grown to just hate it so much. I was due to go on a flight on one saturday and he told me he won’t be able to drive me because there’s once again “A HUGE GAME” on that day.. this is what broke me and made me write this post..
I would love to be able to enjoy the games with him and not resent them but I am really tired of it, I don’t want to be angry with him because it’s completely not a problem to be passionate about something and he should not try to change for me but I get so angry everytime I want to do something and I get “oh sorry, xxx is on that day”. My birthday is coming up and he knows I don’t watch football, and yet, for my 21st there will once again be “A HUGE GAME” :/ so now, my (what’s meant to be a really important birthday) will be consumed by soccer.. this made me really upset, i wanted to cancel the whole thing because I really do not want to watch gd football on my night out. Any help.. any advice is really appreciated

Hello and prynhawn da (Welsh for good afternoon)! After a long grey winter and spring, summer seems to have found my corner of the world and it’s got me in a great mood. I’ve been enjoying a long weekend this weekend with a mix of spending some in the local countryside and heading into Cardiff to go to the theatre last night. I hope you’re having a fun weekend too!
And while the alone time is fantastic and I’m more than happy in my own company, it would also be nice to have someone with whom I can share those sorts of experiences. Getting out and into the world and making memories that can be talked about and enjoyed together. If that sounds good then there’s more about me below.
I’m an open-minded guy willing to try new things and love exploring new places. I’m excited to travel to South America later in the year and am aiming to go to every continent at least one, I’ve covered the Northern hemisphere but this is my first time going below the equator! At home, I like all the usual things, films, reading, tv and music, have eclectic tastes in all of them and I’m up for giving recommendations and excited to hear your favourites too. I’m also learning Welsh, doing a bit of writing from time to time (should do more), enjoy cooking and getting out in the countryside for some casual photography.
Personality wise, I’m non-judgemental, passionate, with a dry sense of humour and enough of an ego to hopefully be endearing. I definitely wear my heart on my sleeve and am open about how I feel. While there’s not much I expect in a partner, openness definitely is, so if you’re one to play your card close to your chest or keep people at arm’s length, we’re probably not compatible.
On the subject of being open, I’m more than happy to see where things take us. I don’t have any specific relationship goals in mind, so up for discussing and figuring out what works.
Diolch for reading and I look forward to hearing from you.

Well sorry for late/no replies , im in a fixed schedule soo i cant look each and every msg and reply them personally (not rude but getting soo many dms about almost same or inter realted stuff ) so making it easier for you and for me aswell.
You all have many similar questions , so all common questions im answerining here , is someone wants to talk u can dm but im not sure when i will open it or even if i did , the chances are i wouldnt get enough time to open it and reply in a very nice and guideful way.
Most of you are asking how and where did i done my preprations .. I was completely relyed on mog test and jee mains pqys , i dont know how bad or good you are but doing it will help you alot , i havent prepared anything extra , im an integrated student so all i did was coaching modules and dpp, i was not the brightest in the coaching buy my chem teacher got my back and made me revise it thoroughly so im strong in chem (30 ques in almost 20-25 mins) ...
For Phy , i made a formula /cheat sheet type of thing and i look at it for 30 mins whenever i get time , or i just recall formula and try to check if im missing anything out and after giving test if i find something new i add inside it.
For maths , i was only doing modules , no yt channel , no maths unpluggged no NV sir nothing , just stick to that coaching modules and pqys , i found marks app very useful because it contained a lot jee mains pqys.
doing maths has been a really hard challenege for me , i was never good at it because of my coaching , but all i relayed on dpps , i used to check sols online as well (nothing too bad , because where would u go if u get stuck ?) but yeah only jee mains ques because the level was slightly higher soo,
I gave mog test till 9 and i was averaging around 310 , i have done lr for my ntse prep so i did nothing for this , all i did was giving tests in mog
for english i use read books soo i have develop a vast vocab thats why eng+lr was win win for me and it got me a rank push , now if u dont do this all dont worry about it , i got u covered . I will write about problems just be patient.
my order of attempt was Chem Lr phy eng maths (dont follow mine , but ur own because i cant tell u when i used to switch in between and generalised things never work irl). After mains all i did was pqys and theory revision , for theory i used my own class notes.
Now thins u might question again...
1 How can prep for june , just solve more and more question and realise ur mistake nothing new. 2. Can u achieve it , ofc u can i came from 91 to 319 , if i can , then u too can. 3. U dont have notes ? scroll a bit in google and yt , u will find short notes to revise stick with them. 4. Solve jee mains ques (atleast it is all what i did , u can have diff approach ) 5. Try attempting as many mocks as many u can , until u achieve ur target 6. Where to do maths? if u have BITSAT PREP BY ARIHANT , use it , it will help u , if u dont , i have a drive link i will attach below dont waste money , invest it. 7. Build ur own attempting strategy and dont google it how to get 300+ in 2 days , its just bs , u cant ! 8. If u have exam tomo , just relax today , go outside in fresh air and listen to some songs , dont panic at all , tum 2 saal padkh ke kuch nahi kar paye toh last 2 our m kn kar paoge , overthink karke , jo ara wo bhi mind se slip off ho jayehga. 9. before exam pack ur stuff , id card , admit card and ur pen and go to bed with the attitude of giving best. 10. Yes u can reach at ur center latest 30 mins after the reporting time but its better to be early than on time ig. 11. U have exams in 2-3 days later , give mocks , and dont give up on urself , u can do it ! and even if u couldnt make it , u would be satisfied with the prep atleast , u wont be regretting it i can swear on it 101%
ALL THE VERY BEST , (UPVOTE IT SO IT CAN REACH TO EVERYONE AND SHARE IT ATLEAST SO WHO EVER ASKED IN MY DMS CAN GET ANSWERS , IF U STILL HAVE ANYTHING COMMENT IT I WILL REPLY WHENEVER I GET TIME TO , OK ? )
GOOOD LUCK U ALL <333 KEEP CALM STAY COOL.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1j9a5b1QuxN8G71m8An3eU8LqdKyFJbyE/view (Bitsat prep Guide by arihant )

I just turned 18 today, in my country that means I can drink.
The issue is all of last week I said I wouldn't mind a nice dinner at home to share with family. My mother said on Saturday 'we'll go out that night for drinks'. Now I didn't mind what we did if I'm being honest as long as I enjoyed myself.
Now I would just like to mention I'm having a birthday on the 25 with my friends which my mum has been preparing for. I don't want to sound like a spoilt brat but when I got home we were told we're having a meal I don't like. I usually do the cooking as I'm the oldest and my mother's usually busy. I assumed I would be getting a break from it, I was wrong. I had to make a meal that I didn't like when there are two other adults besides my mum and my siblings which are old enough to cook and know how to.
I ranted to my friends about it because I was close to tears so they decided they would come get me and we could have a night together before having a sleep over. I asked my mum if I could go with them she got all pissy and said she was planning on having a drink with me, I had a drink with her before I left she made a comment on how I ruined her plans and was leaving her. I said the dinner I had to make despite always making it, I also said that I didn't even like what I was making.
Now I feel guilty because I basically walked out on her and now I don't know what to do. I'm writing this on the floor of my friends room.

My bf (22m) and I (20f) have been LC/NC with MIL since last July. I blocked her on Facebook in may after sending her a nasty her for missing her son’s 21st birthday party. She had 2 months notice to the party and made excuse after excuse about why shouldn’t come, ultimately it ended up being because we didn’t want her alcoholic husband to be there and she refused to go with out him. She never even sent him a birthday card.
My bfs birthday is at the beginning of may and this year MILs husband sent him a message asking what he wanted for his bday during the second week of April. My bf does not like him, wants nothing to do with him and has explained this to his mom. So the message was never read because he has his notifications blocked, I saw it about a week and half after while looking on his phone and told my bf. He was annoyed but just txted MILs husband back, we didn’t hear anything for over a week and then she invited us up to dinner at her house. They live about and hour away so we said sure whenever is fine, we just want to be home before 10 pm, they wanted to wait until we all had a day off so we agreed. They were waiting to getting Sundays off so we could come up but my schedule just changed and now I have to work Sundays so I told my bf to let his mom know. She said that she is trying to find a new job because they cut her hours at work, MIL and her husband always work at the same place and her hours always get cut…
I just want to vent because this is not how my family is, birthdays are special and to be celebrated with all of your favorites because you need to enjoy life. I wish this women would even take a second of her own time to spend with her son, even on the phone without her husband talking too. She didn’t send him a card or anything this year either. We live and hour away and she commuted to a job an hour and 15 mins away for over a year!!!! I want to believe she cares about her son but everything she’s ever done to him and treats him tells me she doesn’t.

Hi,
I'm Daniel from Spain, and I'll be turning 15 this month. With my birthday coming up, I've been thinking a lot about my future. Like many others my age, I don't really have any clear ideas about what I want to be when I grow up, and I know very little about financial matters. For example, I'm unsure about things like banks, credit cards, interest, rent, and managing money.
In school, I'm taking a course called "Informatik" (Computer Science). I'm interested in it, but I'm not sure if I'm creative enough to pursue a career in this field. I also play football as a hobby, but I don't think it’s a viable career path for me.
I moved to Germany in Mönchengladnach three years ago and have learned the language quite well. I'm currently attending a Realschule, and if everything goes well, I have two more years to go. I know I need to decide what kind of place I want to study at next, but I’m not sure about my options and what they involve.
My main goal is to have a stable life. I don’t aspire to be a millionaire, but I definitely don't want to end up homeless. This is why I need to understand financial matters better. My parents say that many parents expect their children to start living independently once they turn 18. I want to be prepared for that.
My parents, who are from Africa, didn't have the same educational opportunities that I have. I don’t want to work extremely long hours just to make ends meet. I also don’t plan to have a partner right now, as I’ve heard that can be expensive.
So, if anyone reads this, could you please give me some tips on choosing a career and managing finances effectively? I’d really appreciate any advice.
Thank you,
Daniel

Edit: from the first comments I received, I don't get why you are taking this so seriously, I just wanted to make a game to pay tribute to an old yu gi oh videogame not a new hipercometitive game to fight the original SWU game.
So recently I was thinking about yugioh BAM a game that unfortunately can't be played anymore and because SWU is the only game I am playing I was thinking about developing a BAM version of it just for fun.
Before I start I want to be sure that the ruleset I made is good so I want a feedback:

• deck size 20 maybe 25 cards.
  
• in the deck you can have each common/uncommon X2 while rare and leggendaries x1
  
• bases and leaders still cover the same roles as the base game
  
• bases have 15 hp
  
• at the start of each round every player draws until they have a full hand of 5 cards
  
• the players don't have to resource their card, each player start with 2 resources and every turn one new resources is added.
  
• every common and uncommon cards are going to cost 1 resource while rare and leggendaries 2 (maybe leggendaries 3 I am not sure yet)
  
• on the field there are 3 columns, 2 for ground units and 1 for space units
  
• the player with the initiative play a card and then the opponent do the same and the cycle repeats until someone press the BAM button.
  
• during the turn a player can play a unit or an event or use an epic action but not attack.
  
• in each column every player can only play 1 unit and 1 event (both cards are going to be hidden from the opponent)
  
• the first player who press the BAM button gets the initiative while the opponent can still play cards untill is done.
  
• when both players have pressed the BAM button is time to pass to the BAM phase:
  
• all the cards on the field are going to be revealed then the events are going to be resolved first.
  
• the events are going to be effective only on the column they have been played (example open fires is going to deal damage to the opponent unit on the same column)
  
• then all the units on the same columns are going to fight following the rules of the base game.
  
• when a unit is destroyed the owner of the unit loose 1 hp, if there is no unit on the column that is a direct attack and the opponent will loose 2 hp.
  
• after all the fight ended each player draw until they have 5 cards in the hand and 1 resource is added to their pool and the player with the initiative start first.
  
• the game end when one of the player looses all their hp or when a player have all their cards in the graveyard.
  
• leaders are going to work as in the base game so they are going to have an action and they can be deployed.
  
• discussing keywords:
  
• On-attack/Restore/Saboteushielded/grit are going to work as in the base game
  
• when played is going to resolve before the events cards at the start of the BAM phase
  
• sentinel: when the unit is defeated you don't receive damage to the base (different effect but still thematically correct)
  
• overwhelm: when this unit defeats another unit deals 2 damage to the base
  
• ambush: the unit deal damage first ( I am not sure about this one it is going maybe to be overpower)
  
• raid: if the unit does a direct attack it deals 3 damage to the base ( make sense I think)
  

So what do you think? is this going to work?
Obviously some of the cards need to be rewritten and the values of the attack and hp is going to be extremely tone down.
The biggest challenge is going to write new abilities for the leaders because leaders such as Leia or the grand inquisitor are not going to work in this game.

Hi folks, I do a bit of writing on the side but nobody fancied picking this up and it's going out of date fast. So I thought I'd share with the sub instead.
Why Unai Emery is the Manager of the Season. And it's not only for his results on the pitch.
On the opening day of the 2023/24 Premier League season, Aston Villa were battered 5-1 away to Newcastle in a match that saw defensive talisman Tyrone Mings suffer a similar season-ending injury to that of his teammate Emi Buendia, who had damaged his knee ligaments in training a few days earlier. Villa’s shiny new centre-back, Pau Torres, looked lightweight and twitchy as a replacement for Mings, with his dreamy blue eyes and expansive, continental passing range only serving to confirm pre-existing fears that he wasn’t cut out for the #PaceOfThePremierLeague. Buendia’s replacement, Philippe Coutinho, gave the least convincing cameo performance since Donald Trump turned up in Home Alone 2.
Sir Alex Ferguson praised the Villa performance regardless, saying they’d played fantastic football and had simply lost bad goals. The natural assumption was that he’d indulged in one too many complimentary sherries, perhaps having gotten lost in the excitement of a new Premier League season after a summer of watching steroid-ridden horses running around and around in a circle. I scoffed. Hell, we all did.
But it turns out there is life in the big red-nosed dog yet - because nine months and 38 matches later, Pau Torres is well en-route to becoming an Aston Villa cult hero and Lil’ Phil Coutinho has been all but forgotten, having spent the season out on loan to… some club, somewhere, presumably in the Middle East.
Back on English soil, Aston Villa have qualified for the Champions League - and we all owe Alex Ferguson an apology. Game, as the kids might still say, do indeed recognise game.
And nobody plays the game like Unai Emery. Not in this past season, at least.
Who else could remain so stoic in the face of not two, but three first-team ACL injuries and a seemingly endless succession of unshakeable niggles to the likes of Jacob Ramsey, Alex Moreno and Youri Tielemans? Not Mauricio Pochettino, who cried it was not fair to judge his Chelsea team in the midst of an injury crisis; nor even Erik Ten Hag, who likened his attempts to improve an injury-stricken team to swimming with your hands behind your back - not easily done, by the looks of things, despite being blessed with a natural, ready-made swimming cap.
Excuses are not my mentality, said Emery back in March. I am usually not speaking about ‘if’. We just have to play. We have to accept each result and enjoy each moment. My objective is to send the same message to players and supporters — enjoy.
And us supporters certainly did enjoy it. We enjoyed reducing Manchester City to just two shots across ninety minutes, enjoyed doing the double over Arsenal without conceding a goal, enjoyed the curing of Ollie Watkins’ goalscoring yips and the long overdue presence of Ezri Konsa in the England squad, the rapid ascension of a team that Steven Gerrard had ambling towards the relegation zone, onwards and upwards not only into the Champions League, but also into our first European semi-final in a generation.
So what if it was only the Conference League? And if a 6-2 defeat on aggregate against Olympiakos was a little embarrassing? If the player who scored a hat-trick in the first leg had only recently returned from a stint in Qatar?
Emery’s squad were running on fumes by then. They’d just seen their goalkeeper receive two yellow cards and not get sent off - they were hallucinating, exhausted. In the words of their captain John McGinn, they were half men. And somehow that’s not even a reference to the ever-changing array of regens, schoolboys and teenagers who filled out the matchday squads towards the season’s end, stinking out the Aston Villa bench like they were passing around a joint at the bus stop.
Of the ten players to have played the most matches across elite European football this season, five of them wore claret and blue (and not a single one of them played for Burnley, although Jarrod Bowen did put in a shift for West Ham). Even the players who were fit were often unavailable through suspension: John McGinn got himself sent off for a shoulder barge against Spurs, only to be outdone a few matches later by the ever-competitive Douglas Luiz, who successfully tallied up ten progressively avoidable yellow cards in time to miss a crucial match against Arsenal at The Emirates.
Of course, supporters of every club will feel that they have attracted the worst luck, endured the most adversity. But I want to highlight Villa’s woes here because neither the likes of Sky Sports or even Emery himself can be relied upon to do so. Out of context, his achievements at Aston Villa are commendable. In context, they become almost astonishing.
It is the sensible decision that he will be named as the Premier League’s Manager of the Season. Arteta’s Arsenal have improved, put up a good fight; Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City have managed to turn the record-breaking into the mundane. And yes, Gary O’Neil is English. But nobody has upset the odds as comprehensively, with as much class, as much commitment as Emery has. He has developed a “no excuse” culture amongst the squad at Aston Villa and in return they have delivered a season for which no excuses are necessary.
I’d hope that he’d sit back now and enjoy the surely-inevitable plaudits. For those of us who’ve been watching closely though, we know that’s not quite his style.
If you enjoyed my writing there's a whole book of it available here! Winner Stays On: England with The FA Cup for a Compass
Cheers.

just looking for other ppls perspectives maybe support idk idk what to do
~rant/vent~
🔍I had pretyped this just ranting then I realized i can post it anonymously here bc i’m really struggling and would like some outside advice human to human feels like i’m gaslighting myself lol. They have supported me and given me everything I need materialistically and do what they are supposed to as parents in that aspect I am very grateful and appreciative of that. in no way shape or form will I ever complain ab them giving me food, shelter, clothes etc. I’m not seeking to be coddled or get sympathy either i just need to know if it really is that bad or am I tripping.
🔬emotionally manipulative & guilt tripping parents will be their own demise. lol. finally dropping that mask you have with them, making them look at themselves and see the torment i had to mentally internalize & take on over the years > sitting back & letting them continue their behavior and control to keep destroying your identity & self continuing to deal with immense shame, guilt, sadness, and anger because you know how they are and you think theres no point in opening up to them or telling them what they do wrong bc they always do the same shit & continue to blame you for everything. note this though when I finally released all my years of internalized emotions on them and started texting them very knowledgeable shit about themselves, how they treated me, my mom trying to control and ruin me and my girlfriends relationship when we first got together (+ we have continued to be together for 1yr and 3 months still going strong she ain’t ruin shiiiit) & shit talked my gf for no reason at all. When I started texting paragraph after paragraph (+ texting them back and forth.) I was met with my mom thinking something isn’t right regarding my mental health and telling my dad and brother she thinks something is wrong with me again (she was surprised how I could speak so knowledgeable bc I barely even interact with them anymore) them texting my phone asking if everything is okay and they are worried ab me (she’s also made many comments before this situation like “you seem like you need to get back on ur medication you’re being irritable” etc when clearly that was the correct response to some fucked up comment she made i’m sick of that shit.) (sorry that was lowkey irrelevant but holy shit). them throwing what they do for me as PARENTS in my face, blame shifting, manipulation, lying, her saying she has no acknowledgment of ever treating me like that over the years, trying to ruin our relationship, or saying any of the vile shit she said about my gf. OH and how she thought It couldn’t possibly be me that’s writing these exceptional level paragraphs and she thought my gf was controlling me and making me send all of that to my parents(me texting her ab this shit went on for like 3 days, 3 days of her not taking accountability for anything, lying, trying to manipulate by making me feel bad as well and she had the nerve to say “it feels like i’m being abused” GIRLLL STOPPP HUH im still confused ab that one) it’s honestly sickening and baffling knowing ppl can think & say shit like that. i’ve been so detached from them since I was little (never knew why at the time) but THIS makes that detachment 100x worse and I feel like that’s a GOOD thing for me even though the outcome wasn’t what I wanted, bc i’m feeling free, released, not pint-up, etc most importantly more like I can finally be MYSELF!!! i’m way more comfortable in who I am and my Identity now at 19 could you imagine that like damn (just hoping it’s not temporary)!!! just putting this out there in hopes that someone else going through the same thing or similar will see and maybe help them a little. now i just gotta move out.
⚛️ she can’t see how what she says to people effects them drastically and takes 0 responsibility and acknowledgement of doing so and passes it off as “you don’t know me” “i’m a good person” “i have a good heart i love everybody” etc or blame everything on me for examples “we do everything for you” “you’re going to treat us like that when we sacrificed so much for you” etc um .. yeah they signed up for that when they decided to have a child so it’s fucked up to throw that in my face. THEN she loves to do this the most playing the victim card “you’re abusing me” “it feels like you are abusing me” “we feel like we can’t say anything right we are always walking on eggshells around you it’s exhausting” she knows damn well I’m not abusing her in any way shape or form that’s disrespectful to many people who actually had to go through and endure actual abuse. “do you want to hurt us? is that your goal” “you’re destroying the family” “you’re destroying our marriage” etc literally used to be all the timmmme when i was going through sh and stuff too. i didn’t do anything wronggggg all I did was speak up for myself FOR ONCE (bc it’s been YEARS) ab the shit she does and how i’m not okay with it i internalize literally everything (that’s y it took years. just sick of their shit idk what to do). low and behold after all that expressing I get met with all that blame shifting and lying. the reason why i never open up to her is bc when I do ever since i was little she always blamed me and made it seem like this whole other thing so hell yeah i’d rather internalize then talk to her that’s a way better option than getting met with guilt tripping and shit what else could I do but internalize n doing that fucked my head up BAD. there are MANY more examples of what else she would say and my dad too but i really think he’s brainwashed by her so idk that’s just off the top of my head .. lmao. she makes me feel so insaneee i even feel like i’m exaggerating and making a big deal n being too sensitive writing all this😵‍💫. there’s SO MUCH more context but fuck all that i typed enough. thx for coming to my ted talk🕷️.
🤢they are both closeted RACIST and openly HOMOPHOBIC so you can imagine what they say/have said to me and about other ppl. shit makes me so AHHH. anyways.

This is my first Reddit post. We Are in Indiana as well as it seems requirements differ so much from state to state from my research on this. My daughter has an early September birthday so although the district cut off is “August 1” we have a state cut off for “Oct 1” you are able to petition for early entrance. She has done preschool for a year and her preschool teacher did an assessment that indicates she is ready. I spoke with the district principal and he said it’s such a personal choice he can’t recommend one way or another. He also did an assessment. But we will not know those results until June 1. From my understanding these assessments are just identifying letters, shapes, colors which my child is able to do. My son is in kindergarten this year so I am well aware kindergarten is much more than this now. They learn to read,write, tell time. Honestly my mind has been blown every week with what they learn. My child wants to go to kindergarten but I guess I am worried about sending her early. I just don’t want her whole academic career to have me thinking “what if” we waited. My husband wants to do whatever the assessment indicates. I am just torn. I know so much is required of kids and I don’t want to ruin school for her for 13 years as far as making friends or feeling “too young” she is mature and plays well now with kids in her preschool that will be entering kindergarten but I know that can change. I am just trying to forecast to make sure I am not doing her a disservice by trying to start early. I have done my own research but just looking for other opinions.

I have noticed that colors on my computer has changed, they are different hue now, so red isn't nice, saturated red, but more of tomato color etc. It's not the issue with monitor, I haven't changed any settings in it. I plugged the monitor to two different devices - the laptop and Steam Deck - where the colours were all good. I also unplugged monitor from graphics card and plugged it to integrated one on PC, and the colors have not changed, meaning that graphics card is also ok. I believe that somehow Windows could change the colors, but I can't find how to fix that or what could cause that. Please help! Sorry if I'm unclear, but if you have question or suggestion please write!