Sore ears feeling weak

If you're reading this, please help me, this will only take 2 minutes to read.
I don't know what's going on with me honestly, nothing is going right in my life. I don't know how, but my relationship with myself, my friends, and my parents is very very very weak, almost non-existent.
I was a straight A student in freshman year, but then I lost ALL of my motivation to work in sophomore year :(
I'm failing Honors chemistry this year, I have a 59.
I live in the US, the passing grade is 60.
I'm doing okay in my other classes, but I have been so so depressed because of Hchem, I cry myself to sleep, I think and feel like I am the dumbest person in the world, I have suicidal thoughts.
It's really bad, and this is all because of Hchem.
I asked my school counselor about what to do, and she said that I now have 2 ways.

1. I take the class in the summer online, putting it as a New Credit. With this, the colleges won't know that I failed a course, and I can replace the grade I get in online class with the grade I got before and get a new transcript. This only works if I have less than a 60. Which I do, knowing this made me feel a little better. This is a longer method (I don't care, because colleges won't know). This will be counted as a standard chemistry though. (again, don't care)
2. I take the class in the summer online, putting it as a Recovery. This means that colleges will know that I failed a course. This is a shorter method.

So now I'm thinking that the finals are coming in a week, so I just won't study for them, so that I can fail it. Then I can go through new credit and the colleges won't find out. Getting an A in a standard course is much better than getting a D (60-69) in an honors course.
My question is this: What should I do? Should I not study for the final?
Asked the same question to my counselor, she said she can't tell me to fail legally since she's a school counselor.
Please tell me what you guys think(asap).
I didn't tell my parents about the D in chem and the 2 plans yet, I'm Indian, they are strict, after honors chem I will have to worry about them. Should I wait until after the final to tell them? or should I tell them now? how can I possibly break this news? I just don't know.
Thank you so much for reading, I am so sorry this is so long.

Buckle up, this is going to be confusing and long. I have to say from now that I actually have major "memory gaps" from alot of what happened and most of what I'll say from now is information I had to gather from people who were around me when this happened.
Last week, in school, I was sitting with my friends in the cafeteria area. I looked at my watch and realized the date of the day and thought "my dad is coming back today from traveling" (he was in another country), I just remembered a past memory of him yelling at me and abusing me. Now the thing I don't understand is that suddenly I kept having multiple "flashbacks", both visual and auditory, of the abuse my family put me through, including my dad. I wanted it to stop but I realized I couldn't, I was literally paralyzed on the outside. I tried to nudge my friend beside me but I could barely twitch my finger. (she was distracted with my other friend and had her head turned away from me). The best way I could explain the "flashbacks" is that it was like if you had multiple Tvs around you playing multiple movies, aka memories, all at once at high speed and volume.
I realized my heart was beating very fast and loudly, and even in less stressful situation than this one, feeling my heart makes me anxious. Luckily one of my other friends came to sit with us and noticed how I was. I tried with all my strength to talk to them and tell them what's happening but I was "paralyzed" and couldn't tell them. I was already extremely distressed and realizing how badly I couldn't react made me start crying involuntarily and they called the doctor assuming I was ill. Obviously the doctor realized I wasn't sick and told me to just drink juice. The more she asked questions and the more I didn't respond, the more she got frustrated at me. By that point they called my sister who also got mad at me for not talking. By then, the break had ended for a while and I don't know how but I ended up in my classroom, I think i just literally walked there but I don't remember doing that at all. Then I sat down on a chair next to the supervisors table and, once again, I don't remember what happened but I realized time had passed and there were multiple people surrounding me and one of my friends was on her knees infront me trying to talk to me. And when I realized I don't remember her walking up to me at all, talking to me, kneeling down beside me, I was so frightened and just started sobbing. I don't remember much from here but I do know, from my friends, that the supervisor told everyone to go back to their class. I should mention that my class was less than a few feet away from the supervisors seat, she doesn't have a private office.
I just started sobbing and sobbing and the only person I wanted was my closest friend, who I'll call "S", who knew me more than anyone else. I was scared of my dad so badly even though I knew he couldn't do anything in school. Again, I somehow ended up in another area near the supervisor's table and I was hugging S so hard her arms turned red. My mind felt hazy and then I glanced behind her for a second and I fucking saw my dad just standing there. I knew there was no fucking way he was there, I go to an all girls school, 3 floors up, and he was in a different country, but I was so confused. I half believed and half didn't. I was so horrified and I kept telling them he was there but they told me no one was there (from my friends' narration).
This kept going on for a while until I just somehow ended up in the bathroom, laying down on the floor, and a few teachers and people from the administration were surrounding me. I genuinely don't remember how I ended up there. It got so bad my sister had to call my therapist, and I yelled at the phone that my dad was there and he was going to hurt me but even I knew that was ridiculous but I couldn't help it. We had to hang up on her through. After a long while I managed to stand up and I was beside my class, my class door has a window thing you can look through and then it hit me that all of my classmates are seeing this and it scared me again.
My friends told me later that someone opened the door and I ran in and grabbed one of my closest friends who also knew about my dad's abuse and yelled at her something like "tell them I'm not lying tell them tell them" but the thing is I don't remember who "them is" or what I meant by lying I really don't. They kicked everyone in the class out and I ended up just sobbing for a while again. I don't remember much and my friends had to leave so I don't have any information of what happened. I ended up going home and they gave my mom a warning.
So fast forward to yesterday, on Tuesday. I was having a completely normal day, and then an hour into school, I just felt "weird" and started banging my head hard and alot on my table. Luckily the tables aren't that hard, I don't know what the material they're made out of is called but they can't really do much, it's hard but weak. My friends sitting beside me had to grab me with all their strength because, again from their narration, I kept trying to fight against them to hurt myself. The administration came in and kicked everyone out and I just kept trying over and over again to harm myself. Apparently I even tried to take my clothes off but they stopped me. But everyone saw what my upper body looked like I think. And I ended up downstairs 3 floors down in the principals office, I don't remember how I ended up there. I was screaming crying and begging for S and my favourite teacher, they wouldn't bring S but they did call that teacher. She kept hugging me and comforting me. Then they tried to make me leave to my driver who was outisde the gate. When they got me out to the gate i for some reason just ended up on the floor sobbinf and I don't know why. Then I looked behind me and my dad was there. It wasnt a delusion or whatever he was there. Enough time had passed for him to have time to come. They also called 3 male teachers from the boys section to carry me. When my dad held I can swear I screamed like I was tortured alive. The more he held me the more I was distressed and scared. I don't know what happened but he left and they called my mom to pick me up instead. (I live with both my parents but my dad has a busy job and had to go back to work for emergencies whole my mom stays at home). I went back home and the rest is too much irrelevant details I don't wanna focus on. Theres only one week of school left with exams, in the exams time we stay only 2 hours in school and leave, there's no classes or anything like that. And now the school is refusing to let me go back to my classrooms, they said I'll have to take the exams in the administration room.
I genuinely have no idea what's going on with me, I've done so much research but I haven't even found anything that could be a basic assumption or theory or idea or whatever of what's going I'm so confused I hate this and I'm stressed and now everyone at school knows I'm being abused by my dad. Please if you have any idea what's goin on with me, even if it might sound ridiculous or whatever please please tell. And I know I have to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist but we're still in the middle of dealing with that so yeah. Also no one in my family has a history of mental illness especially with something like this.

Buckle up, this is going to be confusing and long. I have to say from now that I actually have major "memory gaps" from alot of what happened and most of what I'll say from now is information I had to gather from people who were around me when this happened.
Last week, in school, I was sitting with my friends in the cafeteria area. I looked at my watch and realized the date of the day and thought "my dad is coming back today from traveling" (he was in another country), I just remembered a past memory of him yelling at me and abusing me. Now the thing I don't understand is that suddenly I kept having multiple "flashbacks", both visual and auditory, of the abuse my family put me through, including my dad. I wanted it to stop but I realized I couldn't, I was literally paralyzed on the outside. I tried to nudge my friend beside me but I could barely twitch my finger. (she was distracted with my other friend and had her head turned away from me). The best way I could explain the "flashbacks" is that it was like if you had multiple Tvs around you playing multiple movies, aka memories, all at once at high speed and volume.
I realized my heart was beating very fast and loudly, and even in less stressful situation than this one, feeling my heart makes me anxious. Luckily one of my other friends came to sit with us and noticed how I was. I tried with all my strength to talk to them and tell them what's happening but I was "paralyzed" and couldn't tell them. I was already extremely distressed and realizing how badly I couldn't react made me start crying involuntarily and they called the doctor assuming I was ill. Obviously the doctor realized I wasn't sick and told me to just drink juice. The more she asked questions and the more I didn't respond, the more she got frustrated at me. By that point they called my sister who also got mad at me for not talking. By then, the break had ended for a while and I don't know how but I ended up in my classroom, I think i just literally walked there but I don't remember doing that at all. Then I sat down on a chair next to the supervisors table and, once again, I don't remember what happened but I realized time had passed and there were multiple people surrounding me and one of my friends was on her knees infront me trying to talk to me. And when I realized I don't remember her walking up to me at all, talking to me, kneeling down beside me, I was so frightened and just started sobbing. I don't remember much from here but I do know, from my friends, that the supervisor told everyone to go back to their class. I should mention that my class was less than a few feet away from the supervisors seat, she doesn't have a private office.
I just started sobbing and sobbing and the only person I wanted was my closest friend, who I'll call "S", who knew me more than anyone else. I was scared of my dad so badly even though I knew he couldn't do anything in school. Again, I somehow ended up in another area near the supervisor's table and I was hugging S so hard her arms turned red. My mind felt hazy and then I glanced behind her for a second and I fucking saw my dad just standing there. I knew there was no fucking way he was there, I go to an all girls school, 3 floors up, and he was in a different country, but I was so confused. I half believed and half didn't. I was so horrified and I kept telling them he was there but they told me no one was there (from my friends' narration).
This kept going on for a while until I just somehow ended up in the bathroom, laying down on the floor, and a few teachers and people from the administration were surrounding me. I genuinely don't remember how I ended up there. It got so bad my sister had to call my therapist, and I yelled at the phone that my dad was there and he was going to hurt me but even I knew that was ridiculous but I couldn't help it. We had to hang up on her through. After a long while I managed to stand up and I was beside my class, my class door has a window thing you can look through and then it hit me that all of my classmates are seeing this and it scared me again.
My friends told me later that someone opened the door and I ran in and grabbed one of my closest friends who also knew about my dad's abuse and yelled at her something like "tell them I'm not lying tell them tell them" but the thing is I don't remember who "them is" or what I meant by lying I really don't. They kicked everyone in the class out and I ended up just sobbing for a while again. I don't remember much and my friends had to leave so I don't have any information of what happened. I ended up going home and they gave my mom a warning.
So fast forward to yesterday, on Tuesday. I was having a completely normal day, and then an hour into school, I just felt "weird" and started banging my head hard and alot on my table. Luckily the tables aren't that hard, I don't know what the material they're made out of is called but they can't really do much, it's hard but weak. My friends sitting beside me had to grab me with all their strength because, again from their narration, I kept trying to fight against them to hurt myself. The administration came in and kicked everyone out and I just kept trying over and over again to harm myself. Apparently I even tried to take my clothes off but they stopped me. But everyone saw what my upper body looked like I think. And I ended up downstairs 3 floors down in the principals office, I don't remember how I ended up there. I was screaming crying and begging for S and my favourite teacher, they wouldn't bring S but they did call that teacher. She kept hugging me and comforting me. Then they tried to make me leave to my driver who was outisde the gate. When they got me out to the gate i for some reason just ended up on the floor sobbinf and I don't know why. Then I looked behind me and my dad was there. It wasnt a delusion or whatever he was there. Enough time had passed for him to have time to come. They also called 3 male teachers from the boys section to carry me. When my dad held I can swear I screamed like I was tortured alive. The more he held me the more I was distressed and scared. I don't know what happened but he left and they called my mom to pick me up instead. (I live with both my parents but my dad has a busy job and had to go back to work for emergencies whole my mom stays at home). I went back home and the rest is too much irrelevant details I don't wanna focus on. Theres only one week of school left with exams, in the exams time we stay only 2 hours in school and leave, there's no classes or anything like that. And now the school is refusing to let me go back to my classrooms, they said I'll have to take the exams in the administration room.
I genuinely have no idea what's going on with me, I've done so much research but I haven't even found anything that could be a basic assumption or theory or idea or whatever of what's going I'm so confused I hate this and I'm stressed and now everyone at school knows I'm being abused by my dad. Please if you have any idea what's goin on with me, even if it might sound ridiculous or whatever please please tell. And I know I have to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist but we're still in the middle of dealing with that so yeah. Also no one in my family has a history of mental illness especially with something like this.
Ps. As I've said most of what I've written is from what people told me they saw when they were there so I can't guarantee I'll be able to answer most questions.

Had DI w/ nipple grafts with Dr. Medalie this morning. I feel great! The wooziness from anesthesia has largely wore off and honestly I have tons of energy, a good appetite, no nausea, maybe a 1 at max on the pain scale with just a bit of soreness. I'm feeling great.
The surgery experience was fantastic. I don't remember anything from after the anesthesia mask came on until I got back to the hotel room, but pre-op I remember I had the kindest nurse who made me feel so comfortable. Everyone there was very nice, respectful, and professional. Overall super awesome :)

Tom took another look at the dwindling encampment as his dismay began to fade away. "Whoever's left to hang out with are the most committed to the cause" he thought to himself. "If anything, I'll have more fun than I did before." And after all, they had a good lineup of activists scheduled to visit in the next few days, and an anarchist band had even agreed to play this afternoon. He had definitely noticed a rapid drop in the number of campers since the end of the semester, and had even begun to doubt that they would be able to get any sort of concessions out of the university. But his thinking had changed after hearing the speeches that morning.
First to speak was Tom's friend and comrade, Eric. His impassioned indictment of the Israeli government reminded Tom of the importance of their activism. Then came the married grad students, the Trotskyist Abdou and the pan-Arabist Farida. They were international students studying English and anthropology, respectively. Or was it anthropology and sociology? Abdou lectured on the university's connection to the military-industrial complex. His speech was filled with threats to the administration that Tom was sure the limp-dicked Trot had no means of fulfilling. Even so, he had to admit that despite all his other inadequacies, Abdou was a powerful speaker. Finally came Farida. Tom had always considered her the best speaker of them all, but frankly he had a hard time taking his eyes off her whether she was speaking or not. He had tried flirting with her before, and he got the feeling that Abdou was even more into it than she was. Thinking about it now, he couldn't quite remember what her speech had been about, but it had certainly improved his spirits.
As the "Bacon Brigade" began setting up their instruments, Tom decided to make a point of dancing with Farida that afternoon. As the average tent now held two campers rather than five, he even thought he might get a chance to enjoy some of the newfound privacy.
...
When there was a break in the music, Tom sauntered over to the table where Abdou was sitting. As an ML, Tom could hardly stand Trotskyists, but he put on a smile for the sake of "left unity."
"She's a good dancer isn't she?" said Abdou.
"Oh yes, the best," agreed Tom. He was trying to think of a way of progressing his slow seduction of this Muslim woman and decided to be bold. "Look Abdou, the band will be winding down soon, why don't you both come back to my tent and I'll show you some comradely hospitality. I also have some suggestions that I know you'll love."
Abdou's mind was racing with the possibilities of the situation. Would this be the chance to see his wife seduced and taken by this big stud? Supposing Farida won't agree? Before he could engage his brain Abdou found himself agreeing to Tom's offer. "Wonderful, wonderful," beamed Tom and he could feel his big cock twitch at the thought of bedding Abdou's beautiful wife.
Just then Farida reappeared. "What are you two talking about?" she said.
Before Abdou could say a word, Tom said "Well my dear, your husband has kindly accepted my invitation of hospitality at my tent."
Farida didn't know what to say. She had thought Abdou would whisk her off back to the hotel and give her the fucking she desperately needed. Rubbing up against Tom's manhood had taken its toll. "Well I suppose we could come and see where you camp," she said, "but we mustn't stay too late must we Abdou?"
"What? I err no, I suppose not," stammered Abdou as Tom rose and offered Farida his arm.
And the three of them found themselves heading off to tent where the lives of Abdou and Farida would be changed forever. As they walked along Abdou held one of Farida's arms and Tom the other. However, after a while Abdou consciously let go of his wife's arm and stepped behind Tom.
This was not lost on the big white and he put his big protective arm around Abdou's wife as if to say to everyone "she's mine." If Farida hadn't been so dazed by the afternoon's events, she might have noticed various other white students smiling at Tom with knowing grins. They had recognized the situation immediately; a Muslim couple with cuckold husband following on as a big powerful white man led the wife to his cot.
Soon they reached Tom's tent and both Abdou and Farida were pleasantly surprised at how spacious it was. "Let me get you some coffee," said Tom as both Abdou and Farida collapsed onto a big sleeping bag.
Having sorted the drinks, Tom put some music on, and crawling over to Farida he said, "Can we have another dance Farida, you're such a good dancer?"
Before Farida could answer she felt her husband pushing her up. "Go on Farida, you know how much you enjoy it."
Abdou secretly wanted to see his wife in the arms of this Adonis again and who knows maybe more. Having no real reason to object, Farida agreed and as she accepted Toms hand she couldn't help but feel a shiver at the thought of being reacquainted with his penis, albeit covered by his trousers. However, as they left the tent she had a suspicion that he wasn't wearing any under garments since his penis had seemed so clearly outlined earlier.
As he clasped her to himself Tom could feel his big cock twitch once again. He moved one hand down to the small of her back, just to test the waters and meeting no resistance after another minute or so he moved his hand onto her sexy bottom. He could feel through the thin dress that Farida wasn't wearing thick pants, or perhaps only very skimpy ones and he couldn't wait to see her naked.
Farida felt lost in a different world as she circled round with this big man. Not only could she feel his penis growing hard against her once more, but she felt his big hand on her bottom pulling her onto his hardness. When she looked at her husband (still sitting in the tent), she noticed that he was just rubbing his own penis through his trousers. "My goodness," she thought, "he's getting turned on watching us. Supposing I flirt a bit more and show him what he's missing?"
With that Farida deliberately started to open her legs and let Tom's muscular leg rub against her inflamed sex.
This change in Farida's demeanor was not lost on Tom. As he led her back to the tent, he let his hands roam all over the back of this sexy hijabi Muslim wife and he leaned down to kiss and nibble her neck and ears. He heard Farida sigh and knew that he was close to capturing this sexy wife. "Fatima, let's give Abdou a show to remember shall we?"
Farida was brought back from her dreamlike state by Tom's question. "What do you mean?" she asked.
Almost in a whisper Tom said, "You know, a bit of thesis-antithesis-synthesis."
He had already found the zipper that ran down the back of Farida's dress and he had it in his hands as he spoke to her. He slowly started to pull the zipper down and it was half way down her back before Farida realised what was happening. "Wait Tom, we can't do this, I'm married."
"So what of it, Abdou wants me to undress you, don't you Abdou?"
Abdou had no hesitation in replying in the affirmative. This is what he had wanted for so long.
Caught in the confusion and surprise of hearing her husband say that he wanted to see another man, undress her, Farida just lay there while Tom pulled the zipper right down and then eased the dress off her shoulders. Suddenly she realised that she was lying in only her stockings, garter belt, and thong panties.
As she looked up at Tom she saw something that she hadn't seen in a man for years and that was undisguised lust. This man was lusting after her, this married women! She should have felt ashamed at her feelings but she didn't. Having got half-naked, she realised that she was enjoying the attention of this muscular white man. In fact she decided to crawl around in front of him as if to say 'look at what my husband has and you haven't'.
This might have been a foolish act, but it merely served to confirm what both men knew. For Tom it confirmed that Farida was absolutely gorgeous, the sexiest Muslim woman he had ever seen and that she needed to be loved sexually. For Abdou as he fingered his painfully erect cock, he knew that he was just a few steps away from pushing his wife into a sleeping bag with another man. He was close to realizing his fantasy.
Tom pulled Farida to him, lifted her face to his and he kissed her. Farida would always remember that first kiss since it was both passionate but more significantly the precursor to her crossing a line that could not be re- crossed, and to setting in motion events that would last her and her husband a lifetime. She accepted his big tongue into her mouth and her tongue fenced with his. She could feel his big hands roaming all over body now.
In her trance-like state it seemed quite natural that Tom should start to remove his clothing. Both Farida and Abdou watched as the big man removed his shirt to reveal a hugely-muscled chest and then he dropped his trousers and just as Farida had suspected he wore no underwear. His big cock reared up in all is magnificence and Tom was gratified to hear both husband and wife express surprise at his size.
Tom crawled over to the sleeping bag where Farida was sitting and crouched in front of her, his big cock semi erect. Farida's head was at the same level as the big man's groin and she was amazed at the whole size and muscularity of this man. Her trance-like state was broken by Tom who said softly "Take my cock into your mouth."
Farida was aghast, "I can't! It's dirty and I've never done that before."
Tom laughed to himself. This wife was indeed naive and yet he was gratified that he would be the first man to have his cock sucked by her. Lifting her face so that she could look into his eyes, Tom said, "As we hear from German ideologists, Germany has in the last few years gone through an unparalleled revolution. The decomposition of the Hegelian philosophy, which began with Strauss, has developed into a universal ferment into which all the “powers of the past” are swept. In the general chaos mighty empires have arisen only to meet with immediate doom, heroes have emerged momentarily only to be hurled back into obscurity by bolder and stronger rivals. It was a revolution beside which the French Revolution was child’s play, a world struggle beside which the struggles of the Diadochi [successors of Alexander the Great] appear insignificant. Principles ousted one another, heroes of the mind overthrew each other with unheard-of rapidity, and in the three years 1842-45 more of the past was swept away in Germany than at other times in three centuries.
"All this is supposed to have taken place in the realm of pure thought.
"Certainly it is an interesting event we are dealing with: the putrescence of the absolute spirit. When the last spark of its life had failed, the various components of this caput mortuum began to decompose, entered into new combinations and formed new substances. The industrialists of philosophy, who till then had lived on the exploitation of the absolute spirit, now seized upon the new combinations. Each with all possible zeal set about retailing his apportioned share. This naturally gave rise to competition, which, to start with, was carried on in moderately staid bourgeois fashion. Later when the German market was glutted, and the commodity in spite of all efforts found no response in the world market, the business was spoiled in the usual German manner by fabricated and fictitious production, deterioration in quality, adulteration of the raw materials, falsification of labels, fictitious purchases, bill-jobbing and a credit system devoid of any real basis. The competition turned into a bitter struggle, which is now being extolled and interpreted to us as a revolution of world significance, the begetter of the most prodigious results and achievements.
"If we wish to rate at its true value this philosophic charlatanry, which awakens even in the breast of the honest German citizen a glow of national pride, if we wish to bring out clearly the pettiness, the parochial narrowness of this whole Young-Hegelian movement and in particular the tragicomic contrast between the illusions of these heroes about their achievements and the actual achievements themselves, we must look at the whole spectacle from a standpoint beyond the frontiers of Germany.
"Ideology in General, German Ideology in Particular: German criticism has, right up to its latest efforts, never quitted the realm of philosophy. Far from examining its general philosophic premises, the whole body of its inquiries has actually sprung from the soil of a definite philosophical system, that of Hegel. Not only in their answers but in their very questions there was a mystification. This dependence on Hegel is the reason why not one of these modern critics has even attempted a comprehensive criticism of the Hegelian system, however much each professes to have advanced beyond Hegel. Their polemics against Hegel and against one another are confined to this – each extracts one side of the Hegelian system and turns this against the whole system as well as against the sides extracted by the others. To begin with they extracted pure unfalsified Hegelian categories such as “substance” and “self-consciousness,” later they desecrated these categories with more secular names such as species “the Unique,” “Man,” etc.
"The entire body of German philosophical criticism from Strauss to Stirner is confined to criticism of religious conceptions. [The following passage is crossed out in the manuscript:] claiming to be the absolute redeemer of the world from all evil. Religion was continually regarded and treated as the arch-enemy, as the ultimate cause of all relations repugnant to these philosophers. The critics started from real religion and actual theology. What religious consciousness and a religious conception really meant was determined variously as they went along. Their advance consisted in subsuming the allegedly dominant metaphysical, political, juridical, moral and other conceptions under the class of religious or theological conceptions; and similarly in pronouncing political, juridical, moral consciousness as religious or theological, and the political, juridical, moral man – “man” in the last resort – as religious. The dominance of religion was taken for granted. Gradually every dominant relationship was pronounced a religious relationship and transformed into a cult, a cult of law, a cult of the State, etc. On all sides it was only a question of dogmas and belief in dogmas. The world was sanctified to an ever-increasing extent till at last our venerable Saint Max was able to canonise it en bloc and thus dispose of it once for all.
"The Old Hegelians had comprehended everything as soon as it was reduced to an Hegelian logical category. The Young Hegelians criticised everything by attributing to it religious conceptions or by pronouncing it a theological matter. The Young Hegelians are in agreement with the Old Hegelians in their belief in the rule of religion, of concepts, of a universal principle in the existing world. Only, the one party attacks this dominion as usurpation, while the other extols it as legitimate.
"Since the Young Hegelians consider conceptions, thoughts, ideas, in fact all the products of consciousness, to which they attribute an independent existence, as the real chains of men (just as the Old Hegelians declared them the true bonds of human society) it is evident that the Young Hegelians have to fight only against these illusions of consciousness. Since, according to their fantasy, the relationships of men, all their doings, their chains and their limitations are products of their consciousness, the Young Hegelians logically put to men the moral postulate of exchanging their present consciousness for human, critical or egoistic consciousness, and thus of removing their limitations. This demand to change consciousness amounts to a demand to interpret reality in another way, i.e. to recognise it by means of another interpretation. The Young-Hegelian ideologists, in spite of their allegedly “world-shattering" statements, are the staunchest conservatives. The most recent of them have found the correct expression for their activity when they declare they are only fighting against “phrases.” They forget, however, that to these phrases they themselves are only opposing other phrases, and that they are in no way combating the real existing world when they are merely combating the phrases of this world. The only results which this philosophic criticism could achieve were a few (and at that thoroughly one-sided) elucidations of Christianity from the point of view of religious history; all the rest of their assertions are only further embellishments of their claim to have furnished, in these unimportant elucidations, discoveries of universal importance.
"It has not occurred to any one of these philosophers to inquire into the connection of German philosophy with German reality, the relation of their criticism to their own material surroundings.
"First Premises of Materialist Method: The premises from which we begin are not arbitrary ones, not dogmas, but real premises from which abstraction can only be made in the imagination. They are the real individuals, their activity and the material conditions under which they live, both those which they find already existing and those produced by their activity. These premises can thus be verified in a purely empirical way.
"The first premise of all human history is, of course, the existence of living human individuals. Thus the first fact to be established is the physical organisation of these individuals and their consequent relation to the rest of nature. Of course, we cannot here go either into the actual physical nature of man, or into the natural conditions in which man finds himself – geological, hydrographical, climatic and so on. The writing of history must always set out from these natural bases and their modification in the course of history through the action of men.
"Men can be distinguished from animals by consciousness, by religion or anything else you like. They themselves begin to distinguish themselves from animals as soon as they begin to produce their means of subsistence, a step which is conditioned by their physical organisation. By producing their means of subsistence men are indirectly producing their actual material life.
"The way in which men produce their means of subsistence depends first of all on the nature of the actual means of subsistence they find in existence and have to reproduce. This mode of production must not be considered simply as being the production of the physical existence of the individuals. Rather it is a definite form of activity of these individuals, a definite form of expressing their life, a definite mode of life on their part. As individuals express their life, so they are. What they are, therefore, coincides with their production, both with what they produce and with how they produce. The nature of individuals thus depends on the material conditions determining their production.
"This production only makes its appearance with the increase of population. In its turn this presupposes the intercourse [Verkehr] of individuals with one another. The form of this intercourse is again determined by production.
[continues in comment]

I would love to buy a cross however I feel guilt and sadness I feel as if I’m tarnishing the name of Christ somehow by being a weak Christian

I have so much hatred towards myself you have no idea. I finished my hifdh 7 years ago and I never took my revision seriously and now I have forgot my Quran. At 24, past my brains peak memorization age, can I become a Hafidh again? I really want serious answers. Out of 30 Juz I can only say that 13.5 are not super weak. However all my new lessons are like memorizing from scratch. I feel like a hypocrite. Plus at 24 with full time job and studying Arabic with my teachers plus my Islamic Studies, what do I do?? I had dreams of becoming a true student of knowledge and just feel like a hypocrite :((

Hey folks, been a lurker for a while and recently rejoined the sub. I've been having some struggles lately and wanted to share my experiences here in the hopes of finding sympathetic ears or people that have had similar experiences.
I am AMAB and have identified as agender for several years, though generally speaking I consider myself a 'late in life' queer (I only came out in the early 2020s and am in my mid-30s). About 9 months ago I started HRT and have been taking estrogen and anti-androgens since then with the care of my doctor. Everything is going well and I love just about all of the changes that HRT is bringing about in my body and mind, with the exception of maybe my boobs.
This leads to my bigger point, which is that I know deep down to my core that I am agender. This is an identity that is important to me: I absolutely just want to be myself and not associate myself with gender at all. They/them pronouns feel the most joyful to me and I have no desire to change that for now.
I enjoy aspects of my masculinity such as my voice, jawline, and facial hair -- but I also want my body to be more feminine, particularly my legs, hips, and waist. As my body changes and I grow more breast tissue I find this to be more and more of a difficult stance to hold, to the point where my body is starting to feel alien to me when I look at myself in the mirror. It feels weird to be feminine below the neck, and masculine above it. I'm going to start experimenting with makeup to see if that helps. Growing my hair out isn't really an option either, unfortunately; I'm not particularly blessed in the follicular department when it comes to my noggin and I started HRT way too late in life to counter my early male pattern baldness.
Sorry if this post comes across as rambling and disjointed but it would be great to hear from other people that have experienced something like this: not necessarily just AMAB folks going more femme (though any advice on how to deal with keeping aspects of masculinity and still be femme would be greatly appreciated it) but also just anyone that has dealt with this divergence between gender identity and expression.

I feel like many battles would have ended earlier if they didn't spill out blindly their true power and their weaknesses. What do you guys think?

I (24M) have been seeing this girl (21F) for about two months now. Everything’s been going great and it has been amazing. By far the most healthy relationship I’ve ever been in.
But she’s told me briefly about her ex early on when we met and that he was really physical with her and he was an alcoholic. When she told me, it was in one ear and out the other. Personally, i just didn’t want to hear about an ex in this early stage of a relationship. I just didn’t.
But a few days ago, I see on Facebook that she is friends with this dude and follows him on Instagram still. Maybe I’m just trying to find something to be pissed off about in this super healthy relationship. But i can’t help but to ask her why this is even a thing? Am i supposed to be upset?
Personally, i feel that if the guy was that big of a scumbag, why follow him on socials? I don’t know exactly what to do, but it bothers me. And it’s keeping me from being serious with her.

Hi! I’ve been diagnosed for anxiety since August of this year because I started vaping. Ever since then I’ve adopted an anxious tic where i tense up my muscles where my neck meets my head. I’ve been getting really bad dizzy spells, ringing in the ears daily, killer headaches, feel sick, and when i get dizzy i can’t form coherent sentences. It’s like my brain fully shuts off. I dont know if this is a result of my anxiety that formed from vaping ? But it affects my everyday life to the point it happens everyday and I can’t do basic things.
Is my anxiety so bad that my body is in fight or flight and shuts off to protect me?
Or could it be from Vaping?

I (24M) have been seeing this girl (21F) for about two months now. Everything’s been going great and it has been amazing. By far the most healthy relationship I’ve ever been in.
But she’s told me briefly about her ex early on when we met and that he was really physical with her and he was an alcoholic. When she told me, it was in one ear and out the other. Personally, i just didn’t want to hear about an ex. I just didn’t.
Anyway, I see on Facebook that she is friends with this dude and follows him on Instagram still. Maybe I’m just trying to find something to be pissed off about in this super healthy relationship. But i can’t help but to ask her why this is even a thing? Am i supposed to be upset?
Personally, i feel that if the guy was that big of a scumbag, why follow him on socials? I don’t know exactly what to do, but it bothers me. And it’s keeping me from being serious with her.

I created this account, to vent some of my frustration. I won't be commenting, looking, or editing it after I post. No, I'm not a bot, but sometimes I wish I was.
One of my best friend tried to kill himself, he left a farewell message which wasn't supposed to be interpretted as that, but I understood. I called every hospital in the area looking for his name, until I found one. When I went to visit him, I wasn't sure if I'd be finding him dead or alive. I worked up the courage to walk into the room, and found that he was surprised to see me. With so much frustration and anger in my mind, I just started yelling at him, wondering what the fuck he was thinking and why he didn't just call me. He couldn't answer, but a tear rolled down his cheek and my anger subsided and turned into grief, depression, then sorry. I asked him, why and he said told me I knew why. He struggled with major depression for years, like me. I tried my best to be a friend and help him out of that hole, but nothing I did would help. I thought maybe if I put my depression to the side and helped him with his I'd find a way of curing my own. I was never overt with any of the actions, I lent out a helping hand when neeeded and hung out with him when he was down. We've both had terrible traumas— his from neglect and financial issues, and mine from abuse and bullying, but I thought because we both suffered we would be able suffer together. I visitied him when his family was there as I was the nuclear detterent. I watched his mother and brother hurl insults at eachother while I tried to lighten the mood, the brother cared for him, the mother didn't. It seemed like she was there, just to say she showed up. I've known her for a while, she's callous, she always has a couple boyfriends on her side, but she never tries to keep them around. When the brother and the mother were around the entire room was filled with a negative aura and you can feel it, it was never pleasant and when I left tensions only raised. I visited him when work allowed me to, but after he was transferred to the psych ward, my schedule didn't fit in with any of the visitation hours so I never could. When he left the psych ward, what followed were days of him visiting my workplace during my lunch hours telling me that he would attempt it again, "it could happen any day now." My words seemed so hollow and breathless as I tried to sounding them out. I questioned myself, "What could I say? What could I do? Why is he telling me this?" This happened almost everyday for a couple of months, he would visit me and utter the same words. One day, I asked him, "How do you want me to respond to this" and to his non-challant reply was, "I don't know take it as you well." He was always forgetful, so I hoped he would forget about me too. Some nights we would get boba and he would tell me I was part of the reason he did it. I didn't know how to respond and I still don't. What did I do? I was completely and utterly drained of any emotions, sadness, depression, anger, grief. He was a boa constrictor wrapping it's body around mine smothering me to death. Nothing mattered to me, and so one day, I left without saying a word. He is still alive and hasn't tried anything since then, to which I am thankful. But I never answered his texts or calls. In this rough patch, I started unravelling because everything around me was unfolding.
I was still talking to the above friend, during this time when I got a call from my brother, "She's in the ER because she OD'D. Can you bring some blankets?" He was completely devoid of any urgency or emotion, I understand he doesn't handle them very well, but the calmness of voice only irritated me and made my bite my tongue til I bled. My mind was blank as I sped down the highway at 100mph. I remember the flickering lights as I paced through the hallway, a nurse recognized me from my personal life, but I brushed her off saying that I didn't know her as she was part of our church. Our family is conservative and if this got out, then all eyes would be on us with looks of disappointment and shame. I couldn't tell anyone. I hesitated, a roller coaster of emotions overwhelmed me as I grew closer and closer to the room. The same ones that had enveloped me with my best friend, but this one was brought on by so much shame. "How didn't I see this coming? What sort of brother am I, that I can't protect my only sister? Please... Please... Please.. don't be dead." I stopped in the hallway, where my brother stood and he just said he was getting a sandwhich. I watched him go as he walked away, not an ounce of grief, but after I saw him I noticed there was confusion and sadness in his face, but his words remained neutral as if he were trying to keep it together. I approached the door and hesitated right before going in, rubbing tears that were running down my face and collecting myself the best way I could. I saw her lying there, so helpless, barely alive, and struggling to breathe. My stomach sunk, my heart dropped, and my lungs collapsed. No physical pain, no abuse I had suffered, no moment would have prepared me for this, but as I looked at her she looked at me. I walked over and remarked, "This is because I didn't kill the spider, isn't it?" She laughed in pain the best she could, and my Dad added into and gave me a small slap on the head laughng as well. I saw her arms and saw the cuts and how deep they were. The heart monitor started fading and transforming into ringing within my ears. I sat down and talked to my Mom and Dad to see what we needed. They asked for blankets, which I forgot, and something to eat. I told them to go home as I'd just stay here to watch over her. They both said no at first, but my Dad reluctantly agreed after realizing there was no one to watch his business the next day. I nearly lost my mind. Your daughter is laying here in the ER, and you still need someone to watch the business? I volunteered to do it, but I stayed in the hospital until the I had to leave as I watch the seconds turn into minutes, the minutes to hours. The clock has never moved that slow before, I felt like I was frozen in every moment. It was only after I had learned she was raped three times. My blood boiled, my face turned hot, as I was heading to my car demanding who did it. He'd done this mutliple times. throughout the year, and I had no idea. I reached a point where I stormed out of my house, but my brother asked me where I was going. I told him that I was going to find him, and beat the living shit out of them. He stopped me and told me, that that's why she didn't tell me. I didn't understand it it all, why he wasn't hopping into the car with me to this mother fuckers house after knowing all of this. He didn't want me to know because I'd go over to the hospital demanding her and asking her who did it. He was right. I calmed down, but if he wasn't there I would have found the fucker and I would have beaten the living shit out of them. I told my best friend what happened, and he tried to keep me calm and tried to get my mind off of things. We went to a friends birthday party and I could still hear the heart monitor ringing as I watched everyone have fun, eat, and party over this friends birthday. I felt like an extra, just playing the part of someone who's there to be there. I laughed and made jokes, but this hole in my chest kept getting wider and wouldn't close. I hadn't slept in three days, and the pain was like I was being eaten alive without being able to scream in agony. When we returned to the hospital, she was moved to a different facility, because she wasn't needed in the ER any longer. The nurses asked me to leave as they said that visiting hours were over, but they fell upon empty ears. I wasn't moving. I stayed there all night, and woke up the next morning. I don't remember falling asleep, I just blacked out at one point. I could tell you that when I woke up, all I saw where white walls, white floors, and white sheets. The typical hospital smell that filled the air with ammonia as it burned through my lungs. The heart monitor started to lose it's preptual ring and began to sound normal again. None of these details are important, but I remember them so well as if I'm living that moment right now. This was my second close call. She was home within the next week, but this trauma made our family a lot closer— but, there's a new edition to the family in the shape of an elephant, he doesn't speak to us and we don't speak to him, but he's always there. I haven't been able to look at her the same way, because I'm not sure what will set her off, and the scars on her arms still make me sick to the stomach.
My second best friend was tearing at the seams while all this was happening and I was trying to get his life back together, but something just wasn't clicking with him. I saw him descend into an abyss that I couldn't pull him out of, he started stalking his ex, binge drinking at work, in public, etc. , doing more and more drugs. I went to his rented out room where the landlord would help him do his laundry, cook for him, allow him to have pets even though she was against it. She was kind to him, and I had hoped that might have had some affect on his mental state, but he couldn't get out of his head. He nose dived and I tried to bring him back up, but I couldn't so I gave up. I was emotionally and physically exhausted from everything, in a puddle of a quicksand trying to get out, the more I resisted the further it pulled me down. I was in a boxing match with hit after hit after hit, I just couldn't stand it anymore, but this man gave me a family when mine abused me, he gave me a home when I didn't want to go back to mine, he allowed me to express myself and be free when I was in a position where everyone wanted to chain me, he became a friend when I needed one the most. I pleaded with my group to look after him a little bit more, we could take shifts, but no one cared or wanted to listen. "You can't help someone who can't help themselves." After his nose dive, I told him I couldn't do this anymore and I'd rather kill myself to watch him destroy himself, so I stopped speaking to him— after all, you can't help someone who can't help himself. I removed myself from the group and started working on myself. It had been a year since we last talked, he wrote one story on Instagram that caught my attention, "Maybe everyone was right about me." By this time, I had finally collected myself, I was in a good place, and I had every intention of talking with him again and helping him get back on track if I could, whether it be reaching out or just treating him like a person as if it were a typical Tuesday. As I was typing in the words, I stopped myself and said I needed a little bit more time. I was in the midst of a massive project at work that needed to be completed in two days. The next day, I got a text from one of the mutal friends in the group I had left, "He's dead. They found his body in his room." I stared at the phone for a few seconds. My mind blank. I just put my phone down and kept working.
I haven't talked to a therapist about any of this, but I have mentioned it. None of them seem interested in exploring it so it must not be that important, but I feel the need to get this burden off my chest. These three events happened concurrently, and after the dusk settled, I looked closer into all of the close relationships I had, and how many of my closest friends had ended up hurting themselves in a way to "heal." Nearly all of them. They would vent their struggles to me, and I always became an ear because people just need to be heard. Maybe they had problems before I met them, maybe they didn't. I'm probably stretching my own importance in their lives, but the nagging tick that bothers me is that I feel like I am the common denominator.

Hi , my mom always say you can't bear any small pain , she talked as she in my body and can feel what I feel , that annoying me a lot , so no one of my family believes me when I say I have pain , they always think she is weak , she is over , anyone else has a similar experience? Do you feel a lot of pain from small stimulus, also how can I deal with my family , it hurt me a lot

23m from UK looking for new friends:)
Hi I'm George 23 from England south west near Bristol looking for new friends and people to chat to on a regular basis :)
I love being outdoors as much as possible just done a solo camping trip last weekend! Looking to go again soon. Really enjoy walking miles and miles without a goal and getting lost! I live in the countryside too which is a bonus, love having fires and watching the sunsets and the moon/stars. Listening to music too of course whilst I'm doing it listen to anything really. Eminem, Metallic, Billy Idol literally anything goes!
Big into tattoos and piercings my first couple tattoos were rubbish so planned and got some I really like and keep expanding on them as well. Got my nose, eyebrow and my ears pierced too! Love to see other people's tattoos too. I got a ps5 and gaming laptop but don't enjoy them anymore really, kinda depressed right now so trying to just go walking more :)
Feel free to message be cool if your local to Bristol could meet up and do things this summer 🌞

If you're reading this, please help me, this will only take 2 minutes to read.
I don't know what's going on with me honestly, nothing is going right in my life. I don't know how, but my relationship with myself, my friends, and my parents is very very very weak, almost non-existent.
I was a straight A student in freshman year, but then I lost ALL of my motivation to work in sophomore year :(
I'm failing Honors chemistry this year, I have a 59.
I live in the US, the passing grade is 60.
I'm doing okay in my other classes, but I have been so so depressed because of Hchem, I cry myself to sleep, I think and feel like I am the dumbest person in the world, I have suicidal thoughts.
It's really bad, and this is all because of Hchem.
I asked my school counselor about what to do, and she said that I now have 2 ways.

1. I take the class in the summer online, putting it as a New Credit. With this, the colleges won't know that I failed a course, and I can replace the grade I get in online class with the grade I got before and get a new transcript. This only works if I have less than a 60. Which I do, knowing this made me feel a little better. This is a longer method (I don't care, because colleges won't know). This will be counted as a standard chemistry though. (again, don't care)
   
2. I take the class in the summer online, putting it as a Recovery. This means that colleges will know that I failed a course. This is a shorter method.
   

So now I'm thinking that the finals are coming in a week, so I just won't study for them, so that I can fail it. Then I can go through new credit and the colleges won't find out. Getting an A in a standard course is much better than getting a D (60-69) in an honors course.
My question is this: What should I do? Should I not study for the final?
Asked the same question to my counselor, she said she can't tell me to fail legally since she's a school counselor.
Please tell me what you guys think(asap).
I didn't tell my parents about the D in chem and the 2 plans yet, I'm Indian, they are strict, after honors chem I will have to worry about them. Should I wait until after the final to tell them? or should I tell them now? how can I possibly break this news? I just don't know.
Thank you so much for reading, I am so sorry this is so long.

Credit to u/SpacePaladin15 for the NOP Universe.
Hey, I hope everyone's doing well!
Today we return to the namesake of this fic, an actual lesson about animals. This one focuses on Koalas! One of Australia's most recognisable critters. I hope you enjoy.
It's hardly worth mentioning, seeing as I'm an infrequent poster at the best of times, but I'll not have another chapter out for a few weeks due to limited free time and devoting most of my writing time to an upcoming ficnapping. Be sure to look out for that!
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Memory transcription subject: Rysel, Venlil Environmental Researcher
Date [Standardised human time]: 8th September 2136
“Koalas!”
Bernard’s energised voice boomed through the air as the classroom's monitor flickered into life, images of this paws lecture topic popping up one after the other until the entire screen was filled with a collage of furry quadrupeds.
Squee! I’ll never get tired of this, it’s all so cool!
As usual the sight of something new stirred immediate discussion, hushed murmurs swelling into vibrant discourse in little more than a heartbeat. Most of the class swiftly huddled together into small herds to bounce ideas around while the rest opted to stick to the solace of their own thoughts as they took in the display.
I’d be quite happy in either situation, though seeing as Sandi had already sunk into deep concentration and Kailo had peeled off to talk with Ennerif and Solenk, it seemed the decision had been made for me on this occasion. Wasting no more time on idle inspection of the people around me, I focused my full attention forward, eager to form first impressions before the lesson began in earnest.
Now then, time to make some educated guesses. What traits does this animal have? I wonder if I’ll get any right this paw?
Professional assumptions went paw-in-paw with the lectures, examining and coming up with hypotheses about the specimens was only natural. Recently however, I’d started to make a little game of it to make things even more interesting than usual. A veritable bonfire of ideas had been set ablaze within me, fueled by my newfound knowledge of Earthen wildlife. Every flash and spark of the flame was a fresh theory I could try to apply to the lectures. It was an invigorating exercise that further stoked my unceasing wonderment.
So far I’d only done this once during the previous class and, to my disappointment, I’d not done too well.
I was right when I guessed that chickens were omnivores, but wrong in my assumption that they could fly. And that red thing on their head, the um… what was it called? The comb! Yes, the comb. I thought that was to attract mates, but it regulates body heat instead. It’s fascinating. Oh! Stars damn it I’m rambling!
I bapped my tail against my leg, the soft thud being just enough to snap me back from my runaway thoughts before I went completely wall-eyed. I was becoming more and more accustomed to getting lost in my own head while remaining conscious of the fact; it was happening so frequently now that it was pretty much impossible not to. Now I was able to pull myself back to the world around me without having to rely on someone else shaking me out of it. Most of the time anyway.
Sandi still keeps an eye on me, and Kailo even decided to help out once without being too snide about it. Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, Koalas.
Glancing at the furred animals, two things immediately stood out. Firstly, their eyes were in a more central position on their face. And second, all the images showed them being on or close to trees. There were other noteworthy observations of course, such as the Koala’s prominent nose and rounded features, but they fell to the wayside as I honed in on these points first.
Hmmm… ok. I already know to discount the idea that they’re predators just from eye position, so let’s get that thought out of here. Maybe omnivorous? Herbivore? Agh no, I can’t just guess that for the sake of guessing, that’s the same problem! Hrm, it’s tough making these assumptions now that everything I thought I knew has been turned on its head.
Nevermind, I’ll focus on the other thing. All the trees make me think they’re arboreal, that seems to be a reasonable assumption. I wonder what else they-
Clearing his throat, Bernard broke my concentration, his call for attention silencing the murmuring conversation and redirecting everyone's focus to the lecturer's podium.
His gaze panned across the room as he waited for everyone to settle, a beaming smile lighting up his face, “As ever I’m delighted to see you all get so into the subject matter from the get go. I’m looking forward to hearing what you were discussing should you wish to share. For now though, how about we get started, hm?”
A chorus of merry bleats rang out from across the audience, ears and tails flicking happily in agreement. Bernard's grin grew in tandem with the class's fervour, clasping his hands together enthusiastically as he launched into the lesson, “Excellent! Then let’s get started.”
The pictures on screen dissolved away until only one remained, enlarging to cover the entire monitor with the fluffy grey face of a Koala peacefully reclining in the crook of a tree.
“Ah, there we are,” Bernard’s baritone timbre drifted through the room as he looked up at the image, his own tone reflecting the relaxed attitude of the animal on screen, “He looks so comfortable doesn’t he? Perfectly at peace with the world, not too surprising considering they sleep almost 20 hours a day. A full paw!”
A wave of beeps and gasps rippled through the herd, punctuated by a single yawn-dressed comment from Rova, “A full paw? Hwuuu… jealous.”
Her drowsy remark elicited several whistling giggles from the herd, Bernard's own jovial chortle joining them as he turned to face her, “Late evening Rova?”
I twisted a little in my seat, panning an eye in Rova’s direction just in time to see her bleary eyes bulge open and her ears shoot up, now intensely aware of the fact she hadn’t been as quiet as she thought she had.
Sitting up abruptly, she hastily tapped down errant tufts of wool that’d flared in surprise as she composed herself, though her nervousness at becoming the centre of the class's attention was still plain for all to hear, “Uh- I um… achem, a little bit yes, um- …sorry. Lokki dragged me out to a movie viewing in the rec centre. It went on pretty late.”
A melodramatic bray from the other side of the room drew everyone's ears away from Rova to the now aghast Lokki, paw splayed across his chest in faux indignation, “Dragged you? Well excuse me for trying to broaden your horizons with human movies. That’ll be the list time I- …Ahaaaa…”
Lokki’s theatrics were cut short by a heavy yawn of his own, a swell of whistling laughter rolling through the herd as vibrant bloom lit up his snout, a sight that elicited a particularly amused bleat from Rova.
Turning away from the duo I looked back at Bernard, pleased to see that he was chuckling along with us. Behaviour like Lokki’s would never have been tolerated in my school and university days but, in stark contrast, Bernard revelled in it, the liveliness of his students fueling his own bombastic style of teaching. It was a pleasant change of pace having a teacher who let us all be ourselves in class; provided we weren’t too disruptive to the lesson plan.
Speaking of which.
His laughter still rumbling through the air, Bernard clapped his hands to pull everyone's focus back to him, “Ok, ok, let’s get back to it then shall we? Rova. Lokki. Hopefully the two of you can stay awake long enough until you can grab yourselves a coffee.”
As the class settled down and the last few giggling beeps petered out, Benard pointed a hand to the screen, “So, the Koala. Let’s start simple shall we? They are herbivorous marsupials native to the eastern and southern coasts of Australia. Easily recognised the world over, they are a well known and beloved symbol of their homeland, along with other animals such as the Kangaroo and the Emu. The former of which you might remember from one of our earlier lectures.”
Indeed I did remember, along with how angry Bernard had gotten after some speh-head had derided the Yotul after he explained how he held specific disdain for such attitudes.
Uuuggghh… I never want to see him angry again. So chilling.
I shook my ears in an effort to dismiss the unpleasant memory, panning my eyes back to the monitor to try and distract myself by inspecting the Koala’s physical appearance once more. Thankfully, by some Star's blessed intervention, Bernard had the exact same idea.
“Koala’s are rather squat in stature, ranging around sixty to eighty-five centimetres in length and weighing little more than fifteen to sixteen kilograms at their full size. As you can see, the fur of this fellow before you is a lovely silvery grey, but their fur can also sport a chocolaty brown hue as well. Arguably the most distinctive part of their appearance is their head, being rather large for their body size and having rounded ears, a large nose, and a pair of small eyes. These are often brown but variations do occur.”
It didn’t slip past my notice that Bernard didn’t bother to point out that the Koala’s eyes were forward facing. I didn’t think he’d simply forgotten, so perhaps he just felt it wasn’t necessary given that he’d already stated it was herbivorous. Either way, no one stuck up a paw or tail to question him.
“Now this will hardly be surprising considering how long they sleep, but Koala’s are largely sedentary and it’s rather easy to see why when you have a look into the contents of their diet.”
With the press of a button the Koala on screen was replaced by images of vibrant green vegetation. Soaring trees and flowering shrubbery weaved together across landscape framed pictures pulled admiring trills from the herd, the diversity of the plant life being shown standing as a reminder that it wasn’t only animal life that flourished on Earth.
After giving everyone the chance to take in the picturesque scenes, Bernard casually hammered that point home, “This is eucalyptus or, more accurately, a choice selection of more than 700 plants belonging to the eucalyptus genus, though the Koala itself favours 30 of them in particular.”
700!? Stars…
Realising that my ears had drooped in my momentary awe, I twisted them back to tune into the lesson, only for them to splay out in shock at the next words to come out of Bernard's mouth.
“The leaves of these plants are the primary food source of the Koala and there are a couple things worth mentioning when talking about these plants. For starters they do not have much nutritional or caloric value, leading to the Koala’s low-energy lifestyle. Additionally, they contain toxic compounds.”
A shiver instantly ran through the herd, ears flicking rapidly in confusion and alarm followed by a few quizzical whispers. It didn’t take long for someone to decide to give a proper voice to the murmuring.
“Excuse me Doctor. Did we hear that right? Their diet is made up of toxic flora?” Vlek’s grumbling incredulity cut through the herd's mutterings with ease. Until Kailo’s recent change of heart, the fifty something rotation old blonde Venlil had been a close second in terms of scepticism. Mercifully his rebuttals had always been relevant questions as opposed to ranting diatribes, so he at least remained on topic if nothing else.
Bernard nodded in confirmation, smiling back at Vlek while absentmindedly twirling the end of his moustache, “You heard me right, they do indeed consume plants that are toxic. Just not to them.”
Any worry or uncertainty still clinging to the herd was swept away by the provision of the glaringly obvious answer, leaving me chuckling inwardly at the oversight.
Ah of course! The plant might be poisonous but they’ll have evolved to deal with that. Stars… I’m so used to expecting the unexpected with Earth that I didn’t even consider the simplest solution.
“I see, thank you Doctor,” Vlek replied, a tinge of interest still audible in his tone, “I assume they’ve developed some adaptation to become immune to the harmful effects?”
The question immediately evoked a smirk from our teacher, but he hurriedly suppressed it while bobbing his head, “They have indeed. There are several factors that aid in their digestion of eucalyptus leaves without succumbing to the plant's baleful properties. The first is a part of the intestinal tract called the cecum. It contains a microbiome that allows the Koala to digest the eucalyptus. Coupled with this is an enzyme in the Koala’s liver that helps them break down the toxins. They are also capable of sniffing out the plants with the least amount of toxins, ensuring that they ingest as little as possible.”
Pausing for a breath Bernard looked back at the screen before turning to face us, another grin curling at the edges of his mouth as he continued with his explanation, “This is mostly for adult Koala’s, because while their young also possess these same adaptations, they don’t just go straight to munching through foliage right after being born. No, they need a little help making that jump and getting a stomach full of all that good gut bacteria. It’s nothing bad, but those of a sensitive stomach may wish to prepare themselves for this next part.”
Bernard’s assurances did little to assuage the concern that his warning had foisted upon us. Having been exposed to so much of the weirdness Earth had to offer everyone always ended up on edge whenever Bernard gave advice like this, even if he did say it in jest.
What strange nonsense thing do Koala pups do then? Judging by the way he’s acting it probably isn’t something as simple as drinking milk from the mother. Hmmm…
“So,” Bernard began, snapping us from our pensive stupor, “Young Koala’s, known as joeys, have a gestation period of thirty-five days on average, which is approximately forty-two paws. Once born they travel from the birth canal to a pouch in their mother so that they can continue to develop and grow. In the pouch the joey finds and latches onto one of two teats and these provide the newborn with a steady stream of nourishing milk. It spends the next six to seven months growing in the pouch, its eyes, ears, and fur all developing as time goes on.”
Okay, interesting. But this is exactly how I thought it’d go. What’s different?
The unexpected normalcy of the Koala’s birth and growth cycle had calmed everyone's nerves, only to be replaced with an air of suspicion as we waited with rapt attention for Bernard to drop the other claw and upend our expectations like he always did.
Not wanting to keep us in further suspense he forged ahead, the tempo of his voice picking up as the smile started to crease his face once more, “Now to make the switch from milk to eucalyptus, the mother also feeds the joey a substance called pap. It comes from the cecum I mentioned earlier, and contains all the gut bacteria required to help the young Koala in making the switch to eucalyptus.”
He stopped and looked around, searching us for a reaction to what I felt was a rather bland statement of fact. What was it he was saying without actually saying? Koala pups drink milk to mature and then include this pap substance so that they can start eating plants. I don’t see what-
The cecum is part of the intestine.
I blinked.
I blinked again, the intrusive interruption scouring my brain clean of any other thought bar the one it’d just implanted itself in the forefront of my mind.
Oh stars. They-
“They eat their own poop!?”
The shocked bleat shattered the peace of the room to reveal that most if not all of us had come to the same tail curling conclusion. As the hall filled with unrestrained vocalisations of disgust, an ‘Ugh’ over here and a ‘Blegh’ over there, Bernard’s own bellowing laughter joined the throng of voices.
“Ha! Everytime! Each and every time. Clearly it doesn’t matter if my students are Human or Venlil. Whenever someone learns about the Koala’s dietary development the reaction is the same!”
Pleased with himself beyond reason, Bernard chuckled away while the rest of us grappled with this ghastly reality. While there were plenty of animals that feasted on things that ranged from simply unappealing all the way to the stomach churningly grotesque, I’d never heard of an animal that actively consumed the excrement of its own species. Benefits aside, the prospect of having to do that to survive to adulthood sent a shiver of revulsion down my spine.
Ewww… Stars, I hope I forget this feeling by 2nd meal. They’re serving sturen and magamroot stew later. I was really looking forward to it.
With the herds mood beginning to temper Bernard tapped the podiums controls, removing the verdant collage of eucalyptus to display several similar yet distinct environments, still chortling merrily to himself in the process, “Ok then, with that little foray into their diet complete, why don’t we look at their habitat in more detail? As you might imagine given their diet and arboreal nature, Koala’s live in forested regions, and can be found in tropical and temperate zones. About a century ago they were classed as a vulnerable species, however efforts were made to turn this around and increase their numbers. Sadly the largest factor in their decline was human activity, as the fertile lands that gave rise to their bountiful forests were coveted farm land for our settlements.”
It was strange to hear Bernard so matter of factly admit to humanity's negative impacts on other species. He’d alluded to such things in the past but always with an air of caution, carefully pawing the line between honestly answering a question while not painting humanity as uncaring and destructive. AKA, the ‘predators’ we’d all initially expected them to be.
Perhaps his comfort in making such admissions was a reflection of the class's comfort with him, for no one so much as batted an ear. Even Kailo, who I would’ve expected to jump at the chance to use this as a prime example of predatory danger, only flicked an ear in stern yet silent concern.
A cough from Bernard drew my attention back, a new picture on screen that showed a forest from a bird's-eye view. Drawn across the image were around a dozen ringed areas, some bordering one another while others overlapped to some degree. It took me a moment, but I soon recognised that what I was looking at was a map, the rings representing what I assumed to be territories. And it didn’t take much effort to guess who each one belonged to.
“From habitats we move onto behaviours, so let’s start with territories. Koala’s are solitary animals. Yes, despite being herbivores. Considering they’re only awake for roughly four hours of the day I can hardly blame them. Lots to do and not a lot of time to do it. Jokes aside, once they mature they are quite independent, carving out a little slice of land for themselves, as displayed in this example, called a Home Range. That is not to say they go it alone and leave everything else behind however. Rather, as shown in the map behind me, they live in their own space while still being part of a larger social group.”
With another press of his pad the picture was updated to show one of two symbols in each segment, along with a key to the side of the map displayed in helpful Venlang. A quick glance told me that the symbols were representing whether the territory belonged to a male or female of the species.
“As you can see there is quite a bit of overlap between different Koala’s territories. It is in these areas that most of the socialising takes place between neighbours. The trees in these locations represent the few areas where intrusion across territories is acceptable for the sake of social interaction. Outside of that the Koala’s stick to their own territories for the most part, with the exceptions of Koala’s who are passing through, attempting to become part of the social group themselves, or dominant males who sometimes go off into another Koala’s range. But how do they know where one range begins and another range ends you might ask? Well, this brings us onto the next part of the lecture. How do Koala’s communicate?”
Wiping away the map from the monitor, Bernard loaded up a video of a Koala sitting in a tree and pressed play. Head held high, the Koala’s body shook as it belted out a reverberating call into the wilderness that could only be described as a garbled combination of a car engine failing to turn over mixed with the hiccups of someone with a particularly sore throat.
That’s how they sound? Oof that must be rough on the lungs.
I clearly wasn’t the only one to share such a thought, because I clocked Sandi tracing a paw along her neck as the noise went on, ears fluttering in discomfort at the noise.
Bernard himself cleared his own throat as the video came to an end, minimising it and replacing it with another image of a tree with a Koala rubbing up against the bark, “I think they’ve got me beat on who’s got the deeper voice!”
His joke garnered several amused beeps, a rare reaction that caused a beaming smile to shine across his face at lighting speed, “Oh you’re too kind. I’ll be here all week. Now where were we? Oh yes! Communication. As you’ve just heard, Koala’s are capable of loud low pitched bellows that can carry over vast distances. These express everything from ‘Hello I’m over here’ to ‘This is my turf, stay away’. Bellowing is more common in the males than the females, opting for shouting matches as opposed to outright fights when it comes to asserting dominance. Other vocal expressions include grunts, wails, and snarls if they’re acting particularly angsty. Mother and joey pairs also communicate through gentle clicking, squeaking, and murmuring sounds. And there’s one more thing worth mentioning. Something they have in common with Humans and Venlil when it comes to emoting.”
Really? They do something we do?
Curious, I pressed myself against the desk, straining as close as I could to once more scrutinise the Koala’s features. Not a lot stood out to me at first, the grey marsupial not sharing many similarities with a Venlil that I could identify.
Ok think. We show emotion with our ears, tails, and our wool on occasion. They don’t have tails so it’s obviously not that. Wool standing on end is more a reaction than a conscious expression. So it must be the ears then.
To my quiet satisfaction, my hunch was soon validated by Bernard, “As well as their vocalisations, Koala’s are very emotive through their facial features. Just like humans, they use their mouths and lips to show how they feel, but these tend more towards the aggressive side of the scale than what you might see on a human. Regarding yourselves however, Koala’s utilise their ears in tandem with their mouth movements when showing strong emotion.”
I was delighted to hear that my assumption was correct, a little happy flick twisting out through my tail and bapping against my chair with a muted thump against the plastic.
Hehe yes! Got one right!
“Now then, we are getting close to lunchtime so I’ll finish this segment off with something I think you’ll find particularly interesting. Diplomacy.”
Perplexed mutterings followed in the wake of the bizarre inclusion to the lecture, my own thoughts being dominated by bewilderment as I tried and failed to make sense of how the two could possibly be related.
Why would Koala’s, or any animal for that matter, be linked to diplomacy? Hmmm...
I could understand dispatching exterminators to deal with a predator issue as a show of goodwill, that at least includes animals, but Humans aren’t like that so I think I can safely scratch that off the list.
Maybe the humans who live in that region benefited from Koala’s in some way. Could they have gotten something from them? But what?
Hopefully not what the pups get from their mothers.
Agh no! Begone awful intrusive thoughts. Blegh! I don’t need that in my head.
As I wrestled with the short-lived revulsion inflicted upon me by my Star's damned subconscious, Bernard placed a new image on screen, one that was decidedly different from all that had preceded it.
On screen were more than a couple dozen pictures of humans. Some were pictured alone while others congregated in large groups while cameras surrounded them from all angles. Across all the images, I noted two common themes. First of all, a solid majority of the humans were wearing formal wear similar to what I’d seen worn by UN representatives on TV. If the gaggle of journalists in the background of the photos didn’t already confirm my suspicions, then it was this similarity which made me conclude they were all people of some importance. Likely politicians judging from context clues.
Secondly, each of the individuals was interacting with a Koala in some form. Some cradled one against their chests while others were feeding it eucalyptus leaves or pellets of some kind. One of the assumed politicians had become an impromptu bed for a snoozing bundle of fur, a gleeful smile spread across their face as they lovingly gazed down at the sleeping Koala in their lap.
As I continued to stare at the assorted photos something clicked into place, a sudden spark flickering into life. A burgeoning light of comprehension that flared and swelled with every wide-eyed breath I took. Some things still escaped me, things I hoped would soon be explained, but in staring at all of the humans happy smiling faces, I was struck with an instant of pure understanding.
If someone, say a Nevok for instance, offered to gift me a creature that was common to them but which might exotic and breathtaking to a Venlil, how could my feelings not be swayed? How could I walk away from that encounter and not have grown closer to them as a result?
“Koala diplomacy,” Bernard waved his hand up at the monitor, a slight reverence in his tone, “My favourite kind of soft power diplomacy. Where political leaders take photo ops with Koala’s and, on occasion, the Australian government loans Koala’s to other nations for a time to bolster positive relations. It certainly helps that Koala’s are a beloved animal worldwide, drawing large crowds and revenue for countries fortunate enough to host the adorable critters.”
The truly alien concept predictably sparked instant discussion in the herd, two polar opposite schools of thought swiftly cementing themselves as the most popular opinions. Simultaneously, I heard one voice trill excitedly while another scoffed at what they clearly saw as a ridiculous and offensive notion.
“Squee! That’d be so cool! I’d love to get the chance to see a Liri from Coila. Remember the Rainbow Boa? Think of that shimmering effect and colour but put it on a bird! Ah! I’ve only heard their song on video. It’d be a treat to hear it in person!”
Ooo! I’ve read about them! I’d love to get up close to one.
“Loaning. As if animals are property to be hoarded and traded? Pugh! Another predatory trait the humans don’t want to acknowledge for what it is.”
Ugh, typical. Jump right to the worst possible option.
However, despite my dismissal of their disparaging fumings, an uncomfortable thought pressed upon my mind. While it was plain to see how much humans cared for the Koala, it didn’t change the fact that humans did keep animals as property just as the scornful herd member had said.
This begged a rather important, disquieting question. Aside from keeping some animals as cattle, a stomach tightening minefield I had no desire to step a claw onto right now, how else did humans keep other creatures. And how did they treat them?
Before I was fully conscious of doing it my paw was in the air, the question primed on my tongue.
Noticing my elevated paw Bernard pointed at me, smiling warmly, “Yes Rysel? What’s on your mind?”
Sorry Bernard. I hope this one’s not too awkward for you to answer.
Flicking my ear in appreciation, and waiting for everyone to settle enough so that I could be heard, I voiced my concerns as neutrally as possible, “Thank you Doctor. I uh, just had a thought. We know that humans keep certain animals for… particular reasons, and we know why. From how you’ve spoken about Koala’s I think it's fair to say that the same cannot be said for them. However, this makes me wonder, what other reasons do humans have for keeping animals and how do you treat them?”
A flash of surprise blinked across Bernard's eyes but vanished so quickly that it felt like I’d imagined it. Had he not expected such a question? Maybe he was just shocked that it’d been me who’d ended up asking it?
Stars, am I so predictable that no one expects me to ask difficult questions?
Unfortunately, a quick glance at my deskmates seemed to prove that to be the case, as both Sandi and Kailo were looking at me with differing degrees of astonishment flapping in their ears.
Well speh.
“A very good point Rysel, certainly one that’s worth raising. Yet another example of you all anticipating what I have to say before I can bring it up myself.” Bernard tapped the podium, switching off the monitor before returning his focus to me, “We won’t be needing that. I’ve nothing prepared that I can show you and we’re heading to lunch in a few minutes anyway. Still, that’s plenty of time to give you a bit of an answer.”
A bit? What does he mean just a bit?
Made even more curious by Bernard's preempted admission that he wasn’t going to fully answer my query, I dialled both my ears on him, fixing him with an inquisitive stare as he started to explain with a tone that was noticeably more nonchalant than any of his previous explanations.
“So, animals in captivity for reasons other than what you already know. Honestly I would love to delve into other reasons regarding why we keep animals. However, I have a lesson plan in the works that I hope to share with you all in the not too distant future. Some of it touches upon this very topic and I’d quite like to bundle it all together. That said, I can tell you how animals in captivity are treated. In short, the answer is very well. There are a mountain of laws both on private and public interests that govern the standards and ethical treatment of animals, and breaches of these laws are quite severe even for relatively minor infractions.”
While I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed by the vague answer to what was really the bulk of my question, I was at least satisfied by Bernard’s assurances that animals in captivity, such as the Koala, were well looked after. Considering the barely subdued grumbling coming from some corners of the audience it was clear that several of the herd didn’t believe Bernard outright, but I trusted him to be honest. Additionally, the mention of an upcoming lecture focused on humans keeping animals caused quite the buzz.
I felt a mix of excitement and trepidation at exploring the topic further. He’d pretty much confirmed we wouldn’t be talking about cattle farms, for which I was relieved, but that still left a huge amount of uncertainty in what was to come.
Humans keeping animals as cattle was a forgone conclusion. As horrifying as that reality was, it was one I could understand from a detached and strictly clinical point of view. Being predators they ate meat and therefore they kept cattle. But the concept of keeping animals for any other reason baffled me.
What could be the purpose? The diplomacy thing makes sense now that I have context, but what other reasons could they have.
The class's discussions were interrupted by the recognisable ring of the break bell, the shift in attention eliciting a change in conversation from confused hypotheses to peppy conversation on how everyone was planning to spend their break and what they had in mind for 2nd meal.
“Well I can see everyone’s excited for lunch, and who am I to disappoint,” chuckling Bernard waved us all up from our seats, pocketing his pad from the podium and heading to open the classroom door for us, “Enjoy your break, get a good rest along with a hearty meal, and I’ll see you all back here at the usual time.”
As everyone else filed out I stayed behind, waving at Sandi and Kailo as they left, and pawing over to Bernard once he and I were the only ones left in the room.
Ears folded down and with an apologetic tinge in my voice I greeted him as I sidled up to him, “Hey Bernard, I uh… sorry if that last question was unexpected.”
Chortling in reply, Bernard waved a hand through the air in a sign I’d come to understand meant ‘not a problem’.
“No need to apologise Rysel. It was a good question and most certainly not a problem.”
Heh, called it.
I sighed, allowing tension I didn’t realise I’d been holding to relax itself from my shoulders, “Phew, that’s a relief. I’m glad. I’m curious to hear what this new lesson is you’ve got in store for us by the way.”
Bernard wagged a finger at me, throwing up his eyebrows in mock amazement, “Oh are you now? Well I’m afraid you’ll have to remain curious for the time being. It’s going to be quite the surprise if all goes to plan. But…”
He trailed off, glancing at me before looking to the door like he was making sure no one else was around.
Wait, is he going to tell me? Oh please yes let me know now!
Stopping myself from jumping on the spot in excited anticipation, and trying my damndest to stop my tail from wagging in equal measure, I stared up at Bernard as he stewed in his thoughts before turning back to face me.
“I can’t tell you the specifics, but I’m working with Alejandro and Tolim to get something together. A trip that’s not a trip as it were. And when it happens, I’m going to need a few of the more accepting members of the class to lend me a hand. I’m hoping you and a couple others will be able to help with that?”
A trip that’s not a trip? What does that mean? Agh who cares about that right now! Bernard’s relying on me to help out!
Still trying not to keep myself from bouncing around with pup like glee I swished my tail and nodded my head in joint agreement, happy to help with whatever Bernard had in store for us, “Of course! Anything you need I’ll be there to lend a paw. You can count on me!”
A broad warm smile lit up Bernard's face, a hand patting me on the shoulder in appreciation, “Thank you Rysel. I knew I could rely on you but it still warms my heart to hear it. And, as thanks for this and for the many times you’ve shown your support, the surprise includes a little something special I think you’d appreciate the most.”
If my earlier enthusiasm had been at a nine, then the implication of a supposed gift sent it rocketing all the way to a hundred in a heartbeat.
“Wait… WHAT!? What do you mean? What are you doing?”
As impossible as it seemed, Bernard's grin grew even wider as I almost lost myself in wool shaking exhilaration, “Call it my own form of Koala diplomacy. But I’m afraid that’s all I can say for now. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise even for you!”
“Oh you ass!” Whistling jovially I bapped my tail against Bernard’s leg in fake indignation, evoking a barking bellowing laugh from the man himself.
Still laughing, the two of us departed the class and made for the canteen, my rumbling stomach leading me on while my mind spun with fantastical thoughts as to what Bernard had prepared for us.
And what specifically he had in store for me.

Hi! I’ve been diagnosed for anxiety since August of this year because I started vaping (i’m ashamed ik). Ever since then I’ve adopted a tic where i tense up my muscles where my neck meets my head. I’ve been getting really bad dizzy spells, ringing in the ears daily, killer headaches, feel sick, and when i get dizzy i can’t form coherent sentences. It’s like my brain fully shuts off. I dont know if this is a result of my anxiety that formed from vaping ? But it affects my everyday life to the point it happens everyday and I can’t do basic things.
Is my anxiety so bad that my body is in fight or flight and shuts off to protect me?
Or could it just be from Vaping?

I'm 33 I'm morbidly obese so I don't even have that hot/crazy thing going for me like some girls do, I have no friends, even though I'm on a debt management plan now my credit is fucked (I've got 2 CCJS) and because of this (and being revenge evicted) I'm living in a static caravan with my boyfriend and my cat with not a penny to my name, my boyfriend has ADHD and depression he's a gas engineer and plumber and is constantly in and out of work. I feel weirdly happy here sometimes, it's far away its in the woods I feel hidden from the world and safe from bailiffs but sometimes I miss having a private garden, being able to do my washing indoors, not having to interact with neighbours, living in a house that doesn't get freezing cold at night and boiling hot during the day. I've tried to make a go of things on Tumblr but I guess I don't click with gen zers on there so most of the time I get blocked or ignored for absolutely no reason 😕 I try to be friendly and not reblog things that sound OTT but I guess it doesnt work, this girl who was my sort of FP (who also has BPD) seems to hate me because she's convinced I made a blog that was similar to hers she's also been getting friendly with another girl who she equally didn't like who made a fan blog similar to hers yet she's completely blanking me the whole thing feels sooooo school yard tbh.
My family can't be bothered to see each other and they're not especially close they're all alcoholic narcissists, me and my sister sort of get on but despite her being my carer and getting money for it she's sort of pulled the rug out from under me the last couple of years to focus on writing and making candles as well as furthering her popularity on social media and I can't help but feel a bit sore over it I guess like for example tomorrow I really needed to see the doctor to talk about my weight and my facial hair (I suspect I have PCOS) as well as discussing the possibility of going on better medication but I can't get there because I don't drive and I live literally 20 mins away from everything even a supermarket so I can't even get a bus.
I've been trying to focus on making my caravan nice and wanting to do computer art of pictures of me and my boyfriend of all the festivals and holidays we've been to but everytime I look at these pictures of me I feel so depressed at how much I hate the way I look 😭. I feel angry that I tried to keep my living situation a secret for months and that I had to carry it round in my chest until my niece let it slip that I went for a viewing at the caravan and I didn't tell them I was having to leave my 2 bedroom house cos my landlord wanted to sell it (he said he wanted to sell the place barely an hour after I complained about damp and mould and a silverfish infestation) my family think I've downsized and chosen to live out here but it's out of sheer desperation if I'm being honest.
I'm not really sure what else to say really.

I'm going to make this quick. Basically, last night I had a very, very 'real' feeling dream. I've had these before where I wake up and instantly feel a sensation of "...that didn't feel like a dream, that felt like more." Typically, these dreams predicted future events in my life such as the cancer diagnosis of an aunt I hadn't seen or been in touch with for 10+ years, which included the type of cancer and if she would survive. I havn't had a dream like this since she passed in 2022, that was until last night.
I won't go into the dream as it dealt with some severe trauma that happened in my life, but basically I could 'feel' myself slip back into my body. Reverse peeling if you will. I could feel my hands, chest, and head all sink back into my body. Then, after a few moments, my ears "turned on" and I tuned into the outside world, waking up fully. I woke up with that feeling of "that was real, that was more than just a dream."
Is it possible that I was astral projecting and perhaps just fully lucid or in control during it? I've never had this sensation of falling back in to my body like that.
Thanks yall