How do i add sorority life to my applications

Dividend Investing

2009.01.30 19:41 Dividend Investing

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2010.02.19 17:00 sketchampm Rabbits: the intelligent, loving, and often misunderstood pet

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2018.04.11 17:14 epikotaku How To Get There (Philippines)

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2024.05.22 00:08 stanchochorbara UK mortgage decision - monthly outgoings

Hi everyone. I did read and answered some of my questions like could I get a mortgage with settled status and would have been in arranged overdraft an issue. Apparently from others experience both aint problem. I’ve only been into overdraft 20-80£ for few days in the past couple months due excessive travelling, thats like ever in my life.
I struggle to find information about share investing and private pensions. I have an annual income of 65-80k depending on overtime and I’m only looking into loan between 250-270k with 30k deposit. When they consider spendings I’ve been told money going into savings and pension are considered negative although they are positive spendings. I have about 900£ gross going into both, so its quiet a chunk. Most of my share schemes will be over next year and I’ll probably won’t renew them to be able to cope better with my budget, but I’m planning to apply for mortgage end of summer. Would that have a negative impact?
I do have a good credit history and by the time of my application I should NOT have any monthly dept outgoing towards loans/car.
Any helpful information about how they view different outgoings and what impact they could have would help me manage better the upcoming 3-4 months to try and give best impression to the bank. Thank you
submitted by stanchochorbara to UKPersonalFinance [link] [comments]


2024.05.22 00:02 Dimpz3 What do I do if I’m having explicit images shared of me via post?

Hi, sharing this again to see if I’m able to get any other advice
I 30(F) was speaking to a man online for around 7yrs from Sweden, the relationship became sexual at some point and images were exchanged. He then decided to randomly cut off contact. Said he no longer wanted to speak and things were obviously not meant to be which I was totally understanding about, a week or so later I started receiving post to my family home with the explicit images that I had shared with him, to make it worse they were addressed to my father. He knows I come from a strict religious family and how many issues this could cause potentially endangering my life due to the honour aspect of it. I tried to catch these before anyone else did until he also started sending to my father’s workplace where I used to work and my previous colleagues viewing these images. My old boss is also a family friend who tried to hide it once he saw this guy had scrawled my name on the printed image due to him fearing for my life. He writes on each ‘I miss these or I miss you’ something along these lines and add different return addresses and names each time, only pays for them in cash. Though the post office he sends them from are around 5mins from his house each time. These have carried on for months and I’ve spoken to both UK and Swedish police, they have taken him in spoken to him, taken his electronics and even some evidence they found in his apartment. But apart from this it seems to be a waiting game as he continued to post even after he was taken into the police station, it has been passed to U.K. to conduct another statement for extra details since Swedish police are unable to do this over call/videocall. Ive tried to find lawyers or anyone who can help with any advice or anything further I can do but seem to come to dead ends with the U.K. side since they don’t have people specialising in Swedish law. I’m not sure what the next steps are and if I need someone to be with me for this statement or if there are any helplines available.
This has my life on pause where I’m afraid to leave my house before the post gets here or go into work unless I have paid to have post stopped each week. It’s had a massive impact on my mental health with me also having to take time off work and I’m unable to involve any family member or any friends around me due to the fear of judgement or being seen differently. Any advice would be welcome
submitted by Dimpz3 to AskUK [link] [comments]


2024.05.22 00:02 calliumsgarden Im in love with a guy that i rejected 2 years ago..

Heyy! This is a very odd situation but i need help. About 2 years ago i met this guy on snap and we started snappin back n forth. I saw him sometimes outside with his friends but he never noticed me. I first thought he was kinda cute but i never really thought we would hit it off. One day tho i sent him a snap video of me just smiling and he said that i was so cute. That’s how we began talking. Everyday he would ask me how i slept and we would just talk about everything. He went thru some hard times and he always told me every detail about them with trust by sending like 1-2m voice notes. He was not the ”wyd” kind of guy because after a while we had been talking he wanted to take me on a date. And when i mean date i dont mean just any kind of teenage date. He rented a nice car and reserved a table on a high class restaurant. He was so excited about our date he sent me pictures of the reservation and the car. The thing is that back then i was still yearning for someone who had treated me so bad and never even took me out, he was nothing compared to this guy who made the reservations n stuff. So when he was willing to bet on something and do nice things back then i never really acknowledged it. Dont get me wrong i appreciated everything and i was fully into it and him during the time we talked but you know there was still a little yearn for my old thing that made me doubt.
Anyway the day of our date arrives and he is so excited about it and so i am. Unfortunately couple hours before he sends me a text that there is a problem with the car thing cause he cant rent it because hes under the age limit. To him it was really important to take me out by a car and take me home by a car. He apologized like 30 times and said he’ll take me out as soon as possible to try again. I was completely fine with it and nothing really changed between us. But then few weeks later our conversations become more and more dry and we dont send morning texts anymore:( He was very busy while i was starting to think more and more about my old situationship. I dont even know why because he is a another story that really did me dirty.
So days go by and i decide to just leave him on opened since the spark was gone. There is really no one to blame for it. I moved on with my life and few month later i even make a new account so there was really no way to communite.
Year and a half go by and i see him. He was waiting for someone and i was too. He was just standing in front of me looking at me. I dont know if he recognized me but i guess we’ll never know. I forgot all about it after my friend arrived.
Now a week ago I was just laying in bed and i started to think about him and i truly understood how much he actually cared about me maybe. I went on snap and I saw also his new account on my quick add. I quicky went on ig and searched for his username and he only had like 10-20 followers and followed back like 20 ppl. I thought that perhaps he was more lowkey nowdays. Anyway I add him on snap and 20 sec later he adds me back. I dont even know how but i immediately got butterflies and started to have hope. I didnt even have the time to say anything to him because like 5mins later he sends me ”??” in the chat. Now i still dont know if he recognized me cause my username is kinda odd and my name is just the first letter of my real name so yeah. I reply back with ”I just wanted to add u ig” I KNOW, what an odd thing to say. I was so pressured at the moment so i didnt have time to think about a greater or sneakier text. Well to my worst nightmare he opens it and UNADDS me. Im like what, what did i do. Well after pondering there may have been a chance that he has gf and thats why he unadded me but i dont know. After this i have been thinking about him all week recalling the early days we began talking and everything. I know that i fumbled a great guy but man i was so young back then. So yall tell me what to do, should i add him again or just pray that i see him again somewhere so i can go talk to him irl. My mind just circles around the mindset ”Rejection over regret” but it would be hella embarrassing to add him again after he literally unadded me to maybe tell that he is not interested. I just want to let him know that i think about him and if there is ever a chance for us again i am down.
submitted by calliumsgarden to Crushes [link] [comments]


2024.05.22 00:01 ikieneng My fanfiction - episode 4!

My fanfiction - episode 4!
The next part is here! This episode is so long that I had to split it, and today, you're finally getting part 3 of 3.
You can find the previous episodes in the side bar! (Community info page in the app)
DISCLAIMERS (the same ones as before)
The point of this fanfiction is not to be a straight-up continuation of events with the same themes, intensity, and tone. If you go into it with those expectations, you are probably not going to like it. Rather, it’s supposed to be how I wish things went if these events were real life. The resolution you want for a real-life situation isn’t often the right choice for a show, but it can be incredibly beautiful. Think of what you’re about to read to be a separate show then.
Episode 1 of this fanfiction begins after the episode “2:00” (season 2 episode 4), so it replaces the episode “Cake” and the ones that follow it. This fanfiction expects you to have seen the entirety of seasons 1 and 2, so you should watch those first.
I myself am bursting into the story here. The narrator and me are the same. While my character is like 95% real me, don’t take events about my life described here as facts. Some aspects of my life have been changed for the story. In my head, I started writing like an “alternate me” character in 2016, fulfilling a lot of the things that I wish I had in life, adding that to my story. I’m not really from Ukraine. I speak fluent Ukrainian as a foreign language, I started learning it in 2014, and I’ve talked to tons of people from there, but I’m not from Ukraine. I also don’t have as much money as I do in the story. I wish lmao.
If you want to post your own fanfiction, feel free to do so! To get your own post flair for your fanfic, and to appear in the side bar, please message me.

Part 3 (days 3 and 4)

We’d wake up on day three, and still, nothing would be any different - we’re still locked up. We’d both feel really worried not knowing if we’ll have to forfeit our whole plan because we might run out of food and water and take the risky route - calling the police and getting ourselves into a situation where we’d have to be freed by force, which would be so dangerous because the Turners have proven that there’s nothing they’re not prepared to do to us to “get Jericho back”. Leanne would ask me “What do we do if we call the police, and Mrs. Turner comes up here and tries to hurt us?” At first, I’d insist that we start thinking about that when we do run out of food the next day, but she’d insist we should come up with a plan. I’d point at the corner on the edge of the attic facing Spruce Street, the corner that’s to one’s right when coming up into the attic,
https://preview.redd.it/knoz0zwpou1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=bd1694f292bb546ea45339ebecea7ffacfe33541
and say “Then you’d curl up and hide over there, and I’d take the radio, you’d take the metronome, and I’d sit down in front of you, shielding you, and if she gets in here before the cops do, we’ll defend ourselves. And we’d record everything on my phone. And we should probably hide behind the sofa. Maybe then, she might not notice we’re still up here at first. She’d probably be in a state of panic.” She’d look at me with sad, but touched eyes and just hug me and say thank you. I’d reply “Of course”. After some silence, I’d tell her “If anything happens to me… Please bring me back”.

She’d be touched by that, but say that if she reanimates me, the Church of Lesser Saints will come after ME as well because they’ll believe that I’ll be obligated to join. With a worried smile, I’d say “I know... But they’re probably already gonna do that, right? Because I won’t let them get to you!” We’d both nod with the same half-happy, half-worried expression. “And if things go terribly wrong and you have to bring me back, we can try again!”

I’d ask if I’m getting it right that the “great sins” they think she’s committing are not spending time with the Church and helping another family from the one that was assigned to her. She’d say yes and add that there’s a lot more they hate her for, like her “disobedient and rebellious streak”, disobeying their instructions, putting curses on people, and now, leaving the Marinos.
https://preview.redd.it/4obn4r9uou1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=1e77adafbde221c320999ba1169adb0a1c6b2b17
After a few seconds of silence (out of shock that this is how the Church of Lesser Saints frames it), I’d be like “If you disobey so many of their instructions, then...”, look her directly in the eyes, and go “Good! Keep on disobeying them! I’m actually kind of stunned that this is how they frame your actions, because that is so manipulative. Wanting to have a life where you don’t have to worry about your every step being watched and controlled, where you can actually freely explore what you believe – not what they tell you to believe, but what YOU believe, where you can do totally normal human things like listen to music, and where you can go wherever you want and make some basic decisions for yourself and work wherever you want, that doesn’t make you...” (doing the “quote-on-quote” with my hands while I say it) “quote-on-quote ‘disobedient’ or ‘rebellious’, it makes you a normal human being. If they forbid every little thing that people do that makes you happy, if you then look for happiness elsewhere, that’s on them. You can’t take every bit of joy away from people and then expect them to just deal with it. You wanting to run away, that’s the logical result of their bullshit. And you didn’t ‘leave’ the Marinos, you were taken. Don’t let them think you’re at fault in any way!” She might have never heard any verbal confirmation before that her feelings about leaving are valid, and this would be so reassuring to her. She’d tell me that whenever she did things like not be there for meals at the Church, skip assemblies, or curse people without permission, she would be brought before May and the rest of the community, get questioned about her behavior, and she’d have to self-flagellate to receive forgiveness.
https://preview.redd.it/roex7c20pu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=32cecf94a41a97e66b1c74967cb074ca89321777
I’d go really still and quiet when she mentions the self-flagellation, which she’d then explain is a frequent punishment. That would freaking break my heart... I’d ask her when was the last time she hurt herself, and it was a little less than two weeks ago, before she was forced to leave the Turners. Very carefully and quietly, I’d ask her if it would be okay if she can show me her scars and add “You do NOT have to if you’re not comfortable, PLEASE don’t do it if you’re not”, and after a second, she’d nod and show me her back. My heart would break for her even more seeing her scars, I’d just express how horrible it is that they made her do that… I’d show her some of my cut wounds from when I self-harmed, which I hadn’t done in like three and a half years at that point. I’d want her to know that way that I get the urge, that I really do, but I’d tell her that hurting oneself achieves nothing. All it does is make you feel horrible mentally and physically, and every time you do it, there’s a risk of infection and even death. I’d just tell her I understand while taking her in my arms. I’d ask her to please look me in the eyes and tell me she won’t hurt herself again, and that when she feels like doing it again, to please talk to me first. She’d quietly say “I promise” while looking me in the eyes, and after some longer embraces, we’d both smile a bit, that would make me really happy to hear! I’d ask that when we’re out of here, if we can call a doctor sometime soon and get them to look at her scars to make sure none of them are infected, if she’s comfortable enough, and she’d nod and smile at me a little bit some more.

We’d eat after that. We’d run out of tomato soup that meal, and I’d tell her that when we’re getting out of there, I’d get her all the tomato soup in the world! “We’re gonna fill a whole hotel fridge with tomato soup!” “And with Ben & Jerry’s?”, she’d ask, and I’d say yes and say that we’re probably gonna need more than one fridge. I’d say we’re gonna pick the nicest and most expensive hotel to stay at, an idea that she’d love! “You still think Allentown is a good idea?”, I’d ask her, and she’d think my reasoning from the day before makes sense and say yes. We’d look for the nicest hotel in Allentown online and see that there are “only” three-star hotels in Allentown. Leanne would ask if getting such an expensive place to stay is really okay, and I’d say “Money is not an issue, don’t worry about it” while reaching across her back and like caressing her right shoulder, looking her in the eyes, and smiling. “And besides, let’s spoil you, you fucking deserve it after all this!” We wouldn’t book anything yet because we wouldn’t know when we can get out of there yet, but looking at all those insanely nice hotels would lift our spirits a bit.

After eating the first half of that day’s rations (only two half day’s rations would be left after that…), we’d think that it would probably be a good idea if we started writing the document for the police right now. Writing it can take hours upon hours, and there’s no point in delaying the rescue to write the document after I leave if we can do it right now, so we’d begin right that moment. It would begin something like “My name is Daria Horenko, born July 30, 1999 in Odesa, Ukraine, residing in 501 Pembroke Ave, Philadelphia 19050, Pennsylvania...” (I don’t live there. I have no idea who does. Please leave them alone lmao) “...I sent this statement to my Facebook friend Liam [...] (residing in Tipperary, Ireland, using Facebook as Liam [...]) as a PDF file and told him to call the Philadelphia police and read this statement to them if I don’t come back online and confirm that I’m okay by 10 PM Philadelphia time / 3 PM London, UK time on December 22, 2022. If he is reading this to you, it probably means that there was no sign of life from me by that time, and that I’m not safe, probably kidnapped and locked up by Dorothy Turner, Sean Turner, Julian (I’m not sure about his surname, but I’m referring to Dorothy Turner’s brother - redhead, not very tall, moderately overweight) in the attic of their residence at 9780 Spruce Street, Philadelphia 19139, Pennsylvania”, and then document everything I’ve seen in chronological order and everything that Leanne has told me, with a link to our video and photographic evidence, references to DNA evidence that can probably be found in the hole in the basement if they haven’t covered it up by now, and a statement at the end saying that I’ve written it together with Leanne to make sure that everything is correct. That would take a really long time, hours for sure. But when it’s done, I’d run spell- and grammar checks on it and send it to my printer at home, to be queued for printing when I get home and turn it on. We’d also know that today (December 21) or tomorrow will be the day when we leave one way or another, so I’d schedule a text message to 911 in 30 hours from that moment. The message would say “This is a scheduled message. If you’ve received it, then Leanne Grayson (born October 13, 2001)...” (We only ever learn Leanne’s birth year from the gravestone. October 13 is Nell Tiger Free’s birthday, so October 13, 2001 being Leanne’s birthday is kind of my headcanon)
https://preview.redd.it/0hr9niq1pu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=4dbead2015781ed8beee236188b8273aac1b3fb0
“...and me (Daria Horenko, born July 30, 1999) are probably not safe, abducted and locked up against our will by Dorothy Turner, her brother Julian, and Sean Turner in the attic of their house at 9780 Spruce Street, Philadelphia 19139, Pennsylvania or somewhere else on the property. We need help immediately. The Turners should be considered dangerous and very clearly willing to use violence and intimidation. We need help NOW. Details in our prepared statement: [the link]”. Because we’re holding out hope that we won’t have to call the police from inside the attic, the document would include information on what our plan is to get Leanne (and me) out of there as safely as possible and call the police from the taxi, but that if we run out of rations, we won’t have a choice but to call the police while we’re unarmed and while the Turners still have the upper hand.

We would debate whether we should include information about the Church of Lesser Saints right away or tell the police about them later because we know how that sounds, considering that this would hurt the credibility of our testimony,
https://preview.redd.it/sinvabf3pu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=e37811b53eb90cb8a066bfcb30f6244bb9f34ad4
but we’d modify the document and include the most important information about them as well, with more believable explanations - how they forced Leanne and other members to self-harm (meaning that current members or those who recently left), where they’re currently operating from in Lancaster,
https://preview.redd.it/mxbm8445pu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=1f9b5f1c671c15afce7149eeb90926c2c29b9bdb
that they faked their deaths, that they forced Leanne to leave the Turners, and the necessary lie that they took the real baby, and that Leanne hasn’t seen it since that day and doesn’t know where they’ve taken it. We’d also include names and stuff, and most importantly, reference the baptism tape and say that it shows May and George watching us from the sidewalk outside the church less than three weeks ago, and that piece of evidence would change everything in regards to investigating the Church of Lesser Saints and make the police believe us. We’d add that it’s probably among the other DVDs in the Turners’ living room, and that I’ll try to get it when leaving the building if our original plan is still going to be an option, rip the DVD at home, and add a link to the video file to the document. We’d modify the scheduled text message as well, and we’d charge both phones, mine first because the scheduled message is so important, but it’s an iPhone, so we could charge it to 100% rather quickly and then charge hers. And we’d add that we’d want the police to get Leanne’s things from the Marino estate. All her stuff being there would be further evidence that she was taken suddenly and against her will. We’d also add what number Leanne can be reached at for now with the Samsung Galaxy phone. And then, I’d send the document to Liam on all platforms where I know how to reach him, followed by a message to alert the authorities if I’m not back online confirming that we’re both okay in what’s now probably more like 29 hours, the phone number of the Philadelphia police, and caps at the beginning saying that it’s an actual emergency.

Out of nowhere, I’d ask her if she’s seen “Titanic” lmao, and with her near total isolation growing up, she wouldn’t have seen it. “I’ve only seen movies on TV”. I’d be like “I can show you lots of movies if you want! I got several subscriptions to streaming services, and also a bunch of stuff offline on an external drive at home.”
https://preview.redd.it/lr58woa7pu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=63537b149270faeebb2c3f1be9ba2af0d259e1b7
Back on talking about “Titanic”, I’d tell her it’s wonderful and so freaking romantic, albeit over-the-top at times for sure and a bit overrated. It has that glossy feeling and some superficial characters to it that all James Cameron movies have, but it’s still really wonderful. After explaining the plot to her (since she’s grown up so isolated), I’d tell her about one scene that I’m thinking about a lot from time to time - near the end of the movie, when old Rose is done telling the researchers her story, she says that she doesn’t even have a picture of Jack, and that has hit me so hard from the first time I’ve seen the movie.
https://preview.redd.it/96bgw8s8pu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=476c1a4cbee498c26a0be4651ef83258f0aa7748
She has no physical memories of him, she can never see his face again, and she can never show people what he looked like. That just rips my heart. I’d ask Leanne if we can take some pictures together. We’d look pretty horrible because we haven’t been able to shower in days, but we wouldn’t care and take them anyway and really, genuinely smile so hard. I’d send them to her email address (leanne_grayson@icloud.com, that email address is on her resume in the show),
https://preview.redd.it/frfz9e7apu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=1b65065ab622e71f52edc6e9b84a2974e7efe9cb
manually sync my gallery with iCloud, and I’d send them to Liam. I’d ask what phone she got back at the Marinos’ and if she’s got any pictures of herself in her iCloud gallery, but she’d tell me she’s rarely ever taken pictures of herself, only for the resume she applied at the Turners’ for, and I’d be like “Whaaaaat? But you’re so beautiful!”, and she’d smile hard, a bit embarrassed. I’d look her straight in the eyes and say it again and say that I mean it for real, she is so incredibly beautiful! It’s probably so rare that anyone’s ever said that to her in her entire life (her mother definitely didn’t, and given that the Church of Lesser Saints believes that anything that feels good is dangerous,
https://preview.redd.it/msylzejbpu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=b343bf8d10b86f7c731eed3c8a5204460daec4d4
it’s rather unlikely that they did), Tobe saying it in “Balloon” might even have been the only time ever…
https://preview.redd.it/jdce6tndpu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=c9edaacd72634c3dbe7dbf29abcc84f2412a10d4
I’d then add “Inside AND out!”, and she’d smile some more in a bit of embarrassment and then look me in the eyes and say “You, too, Daria!”, and as you’d expect, I’d smile so hard and even with my eyes!

It would be rather late by then, so we’d eat and listen to some more music together from the Spotify playlist I created for her and talk so much about what we’re hearing.

After dinner, she’d bring the topic up on her own (this is kind of making fun of these fan theories) - she’d tell me that some in the Church of Lesser Saints think she’s the Devil or Lilith because of her rebelliousness, and how she’s inspired doubt in some people in the Church. I’d make such a weirded-out face. After realizing she’s serious, I’d say “If you are the Devil, then hail Satan! Like, seriously, if YOU are what God is threatening will happen if we don’t follow him, then that’s literally the weakest threat I’ve ever heard of. Then God is the villain here. We need more people like you in the world!” Shy as she still is, she’d still be almost embarrassed to hear this (she’s so not used to compliments), and I’d make it clear I’m serious, that I really think she’s fricking wonderful and the sweetest, and that she clearly has a huge heart full of so much love, and that she deserves so much better than what she’s ever experienced! Almost in denial, she’d see in my eyes that I really mean it and just smile and hug me, and then, we’d both smile even more! I’d rub her back a lot in that moment and promise her again that everything will be okay. “I’ll make sure of that!”

After some more music together, knowing that tomorrow will be the day we leave, no matter which plan we’ll go with, we’d make sure we haven’t forgotten anything. Looking around, I’d realize I have to give her my earphones with a cord because the internal mic of my Samsung Galaxy S5 Mini is essentially useless. I’d tell her that when I call her the next day to tell her it’s safe to come downstairs now, she should answer the call, plug in the earphones, and then, it will take a few seconds until I can hear her, but then, it should be fine. We’d set a code phrase that I’ll mention to let her know if the Turners got me and it’s NOT safe to come down. She’d suggest “tomato soup”, and I’d smile and say yes, that’s gonna be our code phrase. “And if it IS safe to come down?”, she’d ask, and I’d suggest “ice cream”.

I’d realize that we should probably find her fresh clothes in the attic and a coat right now, so as I said, it’s not too obvious that she’s been locked up for a long time the second she walks out of the door, because if she’s in dirty clothes or nightwear, with it being obvious that she hasn’t showered in days, and I get her out of there and into a taxi to drive off while I got a gun, it would look as if I was kidnapping her, so we’d find her a nice dress and coat up there, and I’d turn around and close my eyes while she puts it on, and when she’s done, I’d tell her again that she looks amazing! 😊
https://preview.redd.it/zp5gbjwfpu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=777d2120f72b5002e2d5e5e9ffe4760ab2d5fada
And she’d smile and thank me this time, sort of the way she says it to the makeup artist at the street fair in S3E5 “Tiger” in that typical way of hers that’s so adorable for real,
https://preview.redd.it/fuu6x7ohpu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=ec5f23b8de4568996bd6e4c706ab4f95b8f98063
and she’d look in my direction and say “You look really beautiful, too!”, really shy, before peeking me in the eyes for a moment, and we’d just look at each other for a moment. “Can I have your pictures?”, she’d ask me, and I’d say yeah, open my iPhone, and select ALL pictures of myself in my gallery and send them to her email address, and send her those that are too large via a Google Drive link (iCloud isn’t great for sharing files lol), and then, I’d take her Samsung Galaxy S5 Mini, download them all (which would take a while because that phone is ancient), and set one of the pictures we’ve taken together as her wallpaper, and then set it as my wallpaper on my iPhone as well! 😊

We’d consider if there’s anything else we’ve missed. She’d mention that parts of the floor screech, especially one tile, so when I sneak out, I gotta be careful on the stairs, especially with that one tile.
https://preview.redd.it/nijqz08jpu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=6f6756ae6c304a5f5133c21ef857e0f91c6c91d7
After a few seconds, she’d ask me if we wanna book a hotel now, and I’d smile and say sure! “Did you like any hotels in particular, out of the ones we looked at?” She’d say “The one with the big jacuzzi looks great” with big eyes and enthusiasm in her voice, like she does during some of her conversations with Tobe in S3E5 “Tiger”. “You’ve ever been in a jacuzzi?”, I’d ask her, and she’d go “Nooo, but I wanna try!” in the same tone,
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and so, after lying down now, we’d look up which hotel she was talking about and book a two-room suite in that hotel in Allentown for three weeks. I’d add “So we can easily look out for each other, and so you’ll also have some privacy.”, and she’d smile and nod, that consideration would probably mean a lot to her.

We’d then get ready for bed. For the next day, I’d get some better clothes as well and put them on while she’s turned around with her eyes closed. I’d take the last ration of food out of my backpack, put the clothes I just took off at the bottom of it, above Leanne’s Bible (the porcelain baby and card are already in one of the other pockets), and put my phone and the chargers in another pocket. I’d look around and ask her if there’s anything else I should take with me to safeguard, and at first, she’d also look around because she wouldn’t know how to answer right away, but she’d then point at Mrs. Barrington with her face,
https://preview.redd.it/amqsh2mmpu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=12d0bfe376210a8798671d45f31e96e28037870b
and I’d be like “Well, I think she’s a little too big for my backpack, but I can talk to the police when we’re out of here, maybe we can try to get her!”, and Leanne would nod with a big smile again.

We’d lie down on the mattress and share the covers again. Just like the night before, I’d lie down on the side of the mattress that’s closer to the stairs, in case Dorothy changes her mind and tries to assault Leanne again… On the mattress, she’d suddenly hug me really tight, break into tears, and thank me over and over again, and I’d just hold her tight, say “Of course”, and assure her that everything’s gonna be okay, that we’ll get out of there tomorrow. I’d wipe some of her tears off her face 🥺 On the mattress, we’d just look each other in the eyes and both just smile more and more, and after a minute or two, she’d kiss me on the lips for a tiiiiny moment and then, we’d just smile at each other even harder! She’d say “I’m not supposed to do that” while still smiling just as hard and looking me directly in the eyes! “Says who?”, I’d reply. She goes “My aunts and uncles”, and I’d say “I don’t think they’re a reliable source!”, and we’d kiss each other some more and longer, and both feel each other’s smile on our lips, and peek at each other a few times in between 😊🥰❤️ We’d both put our arms around each other before telling each other good night and before I promise her one more time it’s all going to be okay!
https://preview.redd.it/08fqmdqspu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=477498f6f3e6260f2a0429defebf98475b14eda1
At some point during the night, she’d wake me up, and when she does, I’d realize I had a nightmare, like, not from my night terrors, and she’d tell me I had a nightmare, that I was sniffling in my sleep, and that I told her two days earlier to wake me up if this happens. Still feeling terrible (the feeling of immediate dread always takes a while to subside for me), I’d thank her. I’d ask what I was saying, and she’d say that I wasn’t speaking English. I’d consider if I should tell her for a moment, but then, I’d take a deep breath, look up for a second, and with a heavy voice, slowly say “What if we try plan A tomorrow, and I fail? I’m scared… I don’t wanna mess this up… I don’t wanna fail you…” And she’d slowly look at me and just say two words: “You haven’t!” I’d look at her and almost laugh a bit out of joy. I’d smile and just cuddle up to her a bit, and she’d do it back. I’d say I’ll try to listen to music for a while to calm down because doing something else makes it much easier for me to zone out of the feeling of dread again. “Why only you?”, she’d ask. “I don’t wanna keep you awake”, I’d say, “You need the sleep”, and she’d say “It’s okay” and just smile a bit, and so, we’d listen to some music together for about half an hour.

I’d tell her that my sleep is so horrible (she’d say she can tell) because I don’t have my meds, and I’m really fricking looking forward to taking them again. Without them, the quality of my sleep is terrible, and it takes so long for me to fall asleep at all if I don’t take them. She’d ask if I’ve taken them for a long time, and I’d say that I haven’t taken these particular meds for long because whatever I take, my body builds up some resistance to them pretty quickly, so after a while, I always have to get new ones, but I’ve taken sleeping meds for years now. “It sounds like they’re really helping you, right?”, she’d ask, and I’d nod and say “Yeah, they really do. I’m also taking antidepressants, and they were an absolute gamechanger for me. It’s okay if I don’t take them for a few days because they don’t work in the moment, but they like rewire your brain over time, and they’re the best thing that’s ever happened to my mental health. Before I started taking them, it was so hard for me to avoid bad thoughts or resist them, like, it was hell, but ever since then, it got sooo much easier, and not letting things get to me or not letting bad things really take over me is just so much easier now.” After a while, I’d say “I was at a psychiatric clinic voluntarily for six months, but I also had nowhere else to go, and the doctors and employees really abused their power. They only intervened when there was physical violence, they didn’t intervene in any other conflicts, so because of them, the patients constantly bullied each other. My doctor switched to another department while I was there, so I got a new one, and the new one wasn’t perfect, but at least, she cared. I got really lucky to get a place at a living group for mentally ill people, which was when I could finally leave. But honestly, all my experiences with mental health professionals since then have been better. I went to a different clinic for four or five days voluntarily in 2019, and even they were far better. “That sounds scary…”, she’d say. I’d reply “It was. But things got much better after that. I had lots of setbacks, like, you know, but if you get help, it’s always better.”

After the current song’s over, we’d lie down to try and sleep again. We’d smile at each other again in bed, and I’d give her a short-ish kiss before saying good night, and we’d both smile even harder after that 😁 And we would fall asleep for good after a while (it would still take me longer than her).

In the morning, Leanne would wake me up again. She’d show me that the door is unlocked and open by a little bit now (they’re “letting” her out for a few hours…),
https://preview.redd.it/sqql9udupu1d1.png?width=975&format=png&auto=webp&s=b2505bc6f7795639777433a1897f0d31e5753d67
and we’d both just embrace and chuckle in huge joy, as we can go with plan A now, the less risky one! We’d remember to quiet down after a few seconds and whisper from then on out. I’d go to the toilet roll, take eight pieces, rip them into two bands of four pieces each, and roll each of them up into a little bunch. I’d give them to her and tell her to put them into the wall pieces of the door when she gets out (so it looks like the door is closed while it can’t actually lock) and give me an audible signal when the third floor is clear, so I’ll get out with my backpack, take out the toilet paper, and hide in her room.
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“Is there anything you want me to get from there?”, I’d ask. “No. Everything is here or at the Marinos’.” I’d go “Okay” and move on - since I’m almost definitely unable to come down to the second floor right away (I’m using American English in all of these episodes. “First floor” in American English = “ground floor” in British English; “Second floor” in American English = “first floor” in British English; “Third floor” in American English = “second floor” in British English, etc.), she’d give me a signal when coming back upstairs. We’d agree that when she comes back upstairs, if it’s safe to go to the second floor, she’d shout something, maybe in conversation, maybe some sort of cry, doesn’t matter, and if not, she’d kick something. She’d be locked upstairs again after that, so I’ll have to tell when to get further downstairs myself, which I’d do as soon as I’ve heard absolutely no sounds from inside the house for at least a few minutes. On the first floor, I’d get the DVD from March 11, 2001, and if the baptism tape isn’t clearly labeled among the tapes, I’d unplug the DVD player from the TV, turn on the player, open the DVD slot, and if the tape isn’t in there, I’d take all unlabeled tapes. I’d then listen in on the basement door for a few seconds, and if I hear no sounds from down there, I’d quietly open the basement door and go downstairs, and if no one’s there, I’d get out through the side entrance down there, out through the back gate, walk back to Spruce Street, drive my bike home, take a shower, watch the tape from March 11, 2011 like she told me I could, hide it somewhere at home, print out the document for the police, take it with me in an envelope, print out a second version of it to give to the taxi driver, so I can say “If I’m not back in an hour, please call the police for me and read this to them”. I’d then call a taxi (a taxi with a large trunk whose driver is allowed to drive to Allentown and back), load my gun, and leave for the Turners’ and get Leanne.

We’d see that Liam has replied by now. Of course, he’d be super worried, but he’s got our backs for the plan, and that would be really reassuring. We’d look each other in the eyes, and then, I’d hug her sooo tight for several seconds, and we’d have one loooong kiss (hoping it’s not the last time we see each other…) before she goes downstairs while looking back at me on the way before putting the toilet paper in the door. I’d then put on my backpack. Once Leanne loudly shouts “Mister Turner?”, that would be my signal, and I’d hide in her room for about 45 minutes before she’s “let” back upstairs and shouts “You can lock me in now, Mrs. Turner”,
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which is when I’d sneak into the storage/guest room and wait. It would take like five hours until I hear nothing for a while, which is when I’d sneak onto the first floor, look around to make extra sure no one’s there, and go to the living room. I’d get the tape from March 11, 2011, and the baptism tape would be among the labeled DVDs, and I’d put it into the box of the March 11, 2011 tape (I’d put the original DVD loose in there and use the spot inside the box for the baptism tape because it’s probably more important. I then wouldn’t hear anything from the basement, so I’d slowly and quietly go down there. No one would be there, so I’d leave as planned and go home and take a shower. I’d watch the March 11, 2011 DVD. I’d be surprised to see the interaction between Leanne and Dorothy for sure, but sort of knowing her, I wouldn’t think anything bad of it. I’d actually get it because of my past celebrity crushes (which I know isn’t what she was feeling for Dorothy) and the desire to meet them, especially with Blanche. I’d get why Leanne wouldn’t want the police to see it, it would look bad for her. I’d wrap up the DVD in a thick piece of paper and tape it to the back of my closet, between the closet and the wall. I’d burn the piece of paper in the DVD case in my bathtub with a bucket of water next to me just in case. I’d test if the DVD of the baptism tape still works (it does), rip it, upload the video file to Google Drive, add it to the document for the police, cancel my printing queue, print the document (two versions of it. The one for the taxi driver would just have a short introduction at the beginning, like, that I’m the person who ordered the taxi), order the taxi, pack my things for the next couple of weeks and anything that Leanne might need, so I’d include any clothes that I think could fit her, and go to the taxi. I’d tell the driver to get me one block away from 9780 Spruce Street (which isn’t actually a real address, by the way) and wait there for me. Before leaving for the Turner house, I’d give him the envelope with his version of the letter for the police and tell him what I said I would tell him. I’d then get my backpack with the gun in it from my luggage in the trunk, and walk to the Turners’ house.

I have already "written" so much more in my head, but I've now reached the end of what I've actually written down, so it will take longer until the next episode is out now! Hope you've enjooooyed this one!
submitted by ikieneng to teamleanne [link] [comments]


2024.05.22 00:01 Gossip-Luv2 Retrieved the content of Tweets on SLB's eccentricities - The Mythmaker’s Legacy - Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, I am the Greatest of Them All!

Thanks to Patron Member u/Entharo_entho - Here is the wiped out Tweet retrieved
Context - Wiped out from Internet
In March, I got a chance to work with filmmaker Sanjay Leela Bhansali right after he made Gangubai Kathiawadi, and Alia Bhatt, playing the titular character in the film, retweeted me.
The headline (in my head) was going to be, ‘The Boy From Kamathipura Goes To Bhansali Mandi.
Then reality struck in April.
One of my closest friends Sweta called me from the Shivapuri National Park near Kathmandu and put me on speaker. Two other friends Mona and Ayush were listening to the WhatsApp call.
How’s it going with Bhansu?’ Sweta asked.
We are not working together anymore,’ I said.
Whaaaaaaaat?’ the three people shrieked, creating a wavy disturbance in audio frequency.
Whyyyyy?’ they cried, collectively anguished.
He said he is not feeling the vibes.’
What?’
Vibes,’ I said aloud, causing a seismic tremor in the audio frequency.
What vibes?’ Sweta jibed, ‘Maybe he can’t feel the vibrator.
Laughter upped the vibes.
First, a little context on how I got that far. Check this, this, this & this.
So my tweets were going viral in February-March.
In the second week of March, a woman DM’d me saying she loves the tweets. I said thank you. She said she works at Bhansali Productions.
Whoopsie Daisy!
I asked if I could be a part of the production. She checked with SLB and team. He said he wants to meet now.
NOW!
How?
I was in Calcutta.
I called an actor friend in Bombay and told him about it.
They will book your tickets and put you up in 5-star,” he said, “Like Hollywood.
This is Bhansaliwood,” I said, “Yahan dhanda hamesha manda hai.
I flew (on my own expense) and met him.
I was ‘prepared’ by his team for the meeting with His High and Mightiness.
I was told:
Arre, then what do I say?
I sashayed in a brown kurta and white linen trousers. Please see Madhuri Dixit-Nene’s brown ghagra for aesthetic reference I used from my very limited wardrobe of the only kurta I had at the time. By the way, the chorus sings ‘Jhanak Jhanak Payal Baaje,’ aesthetically referencing you know what, right?
He was lunching with his minions (strictly calling them minions from his pov) when I arrived in his pristine white dining hall in a building called Magnum Opus. Where else should he reside, no? Both his house, and his office (where I was ‘prepared’ earlier) were tastefully done in creamy white.
It was, as I said to my friend later, like walking into a cumulus cloud, or like sitting on his favourite singer Lata Mangeshkar’s lap. Calm, serene and quite surreal. I was inside his snow globe. Violins from a Bach concerto (in my head) were replaced with say Madan Mohan’s doleful rendition of ‘Mai ri main ka se kahoon peedh apne jiya ki.’ (Side effect of writing this on Mother’s Day.)
I look for books when I enter a house for signs of intelligent life. There were lots of lamps and candelabras but where were the stacks of books they were perched on? The aesthetic was high on film set disposable kitsch. I stared into a cumulative void.
The minions were intensely debating Darjeeling momos. What’s that? I spent my childhood there. Never heard of this GI tag!
SLB relished his meal and said, “I want puranpoli today.
Puranpoli appeared not out of thin air, but a house-help flipping wishes instantly on a griddle on the fifth floor. We were on the first floor. Although the puranpoli is shaped like a flying saucer, it doesn’t fly, perhaps burdened by the weight of excess ghee and crowd-pleasing expectation. It does, however, reach SLB’s plate at the speed of light.
Give him some,’ he asked a minion to serve me while I waited on the sofa.
I’ve had lunch, thank you,’ I said, trying to behave. The plate arrived. I took a mousy bite to exhibit my failing attempt to transform into a champion minion.
When he came to chat, he noticed the unfinished food and gently reminded me how there were days he went hungry. I should have rolled my eyes for my own lean days.
One should not waste food,’ he said.
I don’t,’ I said, ‘I was going to parcel it home in a doggy bag.
Hearing the word doggy, his well-behaved dog came over to inspect me.
He observed me. I petted her perfunctorily. Am a cat person. Stereotypical writer stuff — allergic to undesired petting and attention.
So, what have you done?’ he asked, sitting on a sort of empire-style bergere chair. Full marks for faux-ornate.
A novel, some writing for a series,’ I said nervously, dismissively.
Anything I might have seen?’ he asked.
No, not worthwhile.’
Are you interested in direction also?
No, am not delusional.
A moment passed. I might have displayed an errant repartee.
I mean, I can only write, or am trying to,’ I said. L’esprit de l’escalier.
He gave me a spiel on writing, how screenplay is an art not many understand, etc, et cetera.
I nodded to make his voice disappear.
What are you writing now?
I showed him the cover of my new book, The Last Courtesan, featuring my mother, on my phone.
Oh, this is so fascinating,’ he said.
He spoke rapturously about Calcutta’s great food and colonial architecture when I mentioned growing up in Bowbazar kothas. If you watch any of his interviews now on YouTube you will realise he only speaks in raptures. He’s always explaining things like an impassioned conductor at a dime-store opera. It can exhaust the boorish audience immediately. He spoke about living in the Kamathipura area as a child when I said I had lived there. The mythmaker was interested in exoticising his own legend as an ‘outsider’.
But how will you work here if your mother is in Calcutta?’ he said, ‘I am a maa-ka-bhakt.
Everything is about him or his mother. I have reached that stage too, though only by circumstances unavoidable.
Actually it was my mother who asked me to come here. I told her it would only work out if you understand that I will have to vacillate between the two cities initially. Jaise Sanjay ki Leela hai, waise meri Rekha.
Corny dialogue, but worked. No one calls him by his first name, except perhaps his own mother. He is sir for everyone.
If I am speaking to you for so long means I like you,’ he said. ‘Otherwise, I would have asked you to leave long ago.’
Barely five minutes into the conversation, he asked me to return to his office and inform his team that I was going to be a part of his writer’s room.
I went back to his office and read a script. This is the part I cannot mention. His legal team sits in the adjacent room.
I flew to Calcutta and was to return after a week. I had to make arrangements for my mother’s tri-weekly dialysis sessions at a nearby hospital, figure out a tiffin-delivery service for her, find a house help (she sent four nurses scurrying in the past), all of which is a bit of a task in this retrograde city.
Remember the woman who had DM’d me about my tweets? She messaged. She had met SLB after my meeting. He said this about me: ‘What a wonderful find. That boy has so much potential and is talented. Most importantly, he is sensitive.’
I told her I’d get this engraved on my tombstone.
Like how he wants to take Alia Bhatt’s golchakkar in Dholida to his grave.
It’s a shot that I will take to my grave. If there’s any shot that I want to be played when I breathe my last, it would be Alia doing that shot. It is the best thing I have seen an actor do in a very long, long time.
I was only emulating the high priest of hyperbole in my tombstone comment. Perhaps I was regressing into a minion.
I had only managed a few tasks for mother when I was back in Bombay. It worried me that the old, frail woman with shaky limbs and slurred speech was trying to be brave to send me to work. I hadn’t worked since the pandemic; she was in and out of hospitals so frequently that I had surrendered the thought of getting another job ever again. Taking care of her was my full-time job.
The first day in his office was to chill in my new, aesthetically pleasing kurta I had shopped for in Gariahat. There was a security camera in every corner that was apparently accessible on his phone. My skin tingled with this information. Chilled. He was at home. Probably watching. That’s a great way to create a myth.
The next day, there were more minions on the lunch table in his first floor apartment. The magically appearing steamy and fragrant sheera was delicious. A minion deemed it the best sheera in the city. I nodded to make that statement evaporate.
A courier boy interrupted for a document signature. SLB flared at a spelling mistake in the document papers.
Go wash your face and come back,’ he yelled at the young man.
The minions at the table laughed nervously. I so wished I was wearing a mask to cover my surprise emoji face.
The minions on the table were writers and assistant directors.
Dastavez,’ SLB said, ‘would that be correct to use?’
Kaaghzaat,’ the minion replied.
Kaaghzaat is paper, dastavez is document,’ said the second minion.
You always mislead me,’ SLB sternly reprimanded the first minion. ‘Don’t ever do that again.
Only that minion tried to laugh, offering an apology. He shut the minion down.
My mask, my mask emoji face.
A third minion was sulking in a corner before I arrived for the writing session. This minion had reportedly offered a script suggestion, which he disliked and barked down. I liked this minion the most. Relatable.
A faint noise of a person running or perhaps just a rumbling sound from somewhere outside interrupted the room. He looked up at the ceiling and said, ‘No one lives there. Am certain it is a ghost. I hear running sounds all the time. I have heard sounds of furniture being dragged.
I wondered if he actually believed in half the things he uttered, or was he just saying it to create enigma about himself. Mythical thoughts certainly kept him preoccupied.
Reality bored him. SLB had nothing good to say about the ‘current plague’ of South Indian films upsetting the Bollywood cartel. He compared them to a circus. He wasn’t kind to the actors he had worked with in his last film. He cracked lame jokes about everyone and everything. The minions laughed and kept him busy. I chuckled a few times to blend in. The mythmaker revelled in his prophesies about the impending doom of charlatans with no aesthetics: just crass, commercial peddlers pimping art. It was all said to amuse and bemuse while he fussed over the yellow shade of fabric from several swatches.
When he left for his music session, the minions bitched him out, and how! All the horror stories I had heard over the years about his moods, behaviour, language and violent temper were true. How else will he create myth about himself as a maestro? The Glomar response. Let the plebs indulge in hearsay. I will neither confirm nor deny. The minions sang effigy songs in happy tunes, if I may stretch this part a bit like his penchant for high camp.
That night, when I went to my actor friend’s house, where I was temporarily staying, I said to him, ‘I don’t think I will last a week there.
I was rattled by how he spoke to the courier boy and the minions, with no filter. Well, at least it was clear he had no tact, endearing as that might be of a ‘genius’ if one compromises with his erratic behaviour. The CEO of his company does it beautifully and advises to develop a ‘thick hide’ around him. Cows, essentially.
Verve
The words genius, great, master, maverick, were so loosely bandied by his office staff even in his absence that I was tempted to add auteur, if they could spell or pronounce it. They worked in perpetual fear of him turning up at any hour and checking on their tidiness. A minion whined she wasn’t dressed appropriately for his surprise visit. Once, he even cut pay for unscheduled leave, said another minion. A minion narrated a shot he copied from a photographer in Gangubai Kathiawadi. Another minion recounted how he made her cry on shoot by screaming at her for a silly mistake. Minions couldn’t leave the office till his evenings were scheduled. It was a well-paying job so long as they did not have to see ‘chacha’s’ face and only applaud his cinematic sorcery.
His office team would assign me desk-work and warn me not to inform him about it.
What am I supposed to say if he asks?
Make up something,’ I was told.
Why should I?
You will slowly understand,’ I was told.
His team of assistants would sneak around me. I didn’t know who was reporting what back to him. He would interrogate the management team. They would lash out at me for informing the assistants. The management wanted to control me a certain way because ‘sir’ does not need to know everything. It was quite a guessing game. He had created an ecosystem of complete chaos and loved the hubbub. New people were hired for him to use the ‘new energy’ to rekindle the ‘old energy’ that needed to be reminded it could be snuffed out and replaced. He thrived on confusion because it all boiled down to him to sort out the mess. He was the provider so long as the minions ingratiated and served their grand master.
One time he called me upstairs, what his CEO called the god’s chamber aka the Shahenshah’s durbar: his office on the seventh floor. Walls were lined with giant posters of his films. We minions sat on the fifth floor. I was of course by now a week old in the toady mill. On the seventh floor, production team members, set designer, director assistant, young people sat on the floor, armed with notebooks and laptops, alert and sugar-tongued. He sat on a throne and dictated each one about their duty. A masseur massaged his leg. He asked me what I thought of a script. I said it was lovely. He asked me to elaborate. I said I liked a character’s resolve. He denied it was written. I said that’s my interpretation. A minion promptly backed me.
What changes do you suggest?’ he asked.
We should sit on it collectively and decide,’ I said.
He mumbled something. My suggestion was dismissed. I was dismissed. I bowed out. A minion whispered to me, ‘We all walk on eggshells around him.’ I had to be a chicken in a coop I suppose.
Another time he dismissed my suggestion for a scene saying, ‘That’s not how art is made.’ I had referenced a scene from Bandit Queen to illustrate my point. Just like his entire oeuvre is homage to a classic. How else does he make his art?
Allow me to illustrate with a frame from his first film Khamoshi: The Musical. The second image is from Pakeezah.
Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam references Red Beard, Woh 7 Din.
Devdas references Pakeezah more than once.
Black references The Miracle Worker.
Saawariya references Pyaasa, Awaara.
Guzaarish references Whose Life Is It Anyway?
Goliyon Ki Raasleela: Ram-Leela references Franco Zeffirelli’s Romeo and Juliet, West Side Story.
Bajirao Mastani references Mughal-E-Azam.
Padmaavat references Mirch Masala.
Gangubai Kathiawadi, let’s give him the benefit of doubt is all his own, original artistry.
The American filmmaker Jim Jarmusch once meta quoted the French filmmaker Jean-Luc Godard when he said:
Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery — celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: “It’s not where you take things from — it’s where you take them to.
SLB believes he takes art and betters it, removing the grubby coat of slime from the sublime, often not concerned with acknowledging the source. He is a master’s master, elevating it to an otherworldly experience, the creator of a mythoverse.
He asked me to rewrite a scene I didn’t agree with. He banged the script folders on the table like a petulant, little child. I watched his posture change into a frump. Tiger Shroff’s ‘Bacchi ho kya,’ dialogue comes to mind.
You are talking like those critics who find fault but don’t know how to write. They should write the film,’ he said.
That argument will never make sense to me but since I write movies now and not just about them, I rewrote the scene in half an hour and showed it to him. He found it rubbish.
I was not called to the writer’s room for a week.
His CEO said I should go to his house; hang around him, like the other assistants whose only purpose in life is to feed his ego. We are slaves to his vision, she said. She thought I was a better writer than the team he had assembled. ‘From whatever I read, only three lines of your work on social media, I could sense it,’ she said.
Either she was encouraging, or bluffing with a perfectly Zen face. From the hundreds of Ganesh idols stacked in her room, it was clear she wasn’t a reader. She was good at reading numbers, data, and stats. She would sense a sign if one of the metal idols sucked milk from a spoon on the day she enquired about box –office figures.
There was more than one right-wing hardliner in his office. Secular staff was invisible. A pretty minion in baby pink t-shirt, whose main grouse was that another minion called him a Barbie doll, said he was happy with the Modi government building roads in his home state Bihar. Another minion countered him by asking: What about the persecution of minorities by the same government? The pretty minion said he didn’t care for that. He was assisting ‘sir’ because he wanted to be an actor. Which lead me to wonder how many Muslim actors has this production worked with? Silly of me to think, right? Given that I myself don’t use my Muslim surname. I’ve now successfully planted a myth in your head. That’s how it works.
In the time that I was in Versova during my brief stint at Bhansali Productions, I met several people with their own SLB horror story. A producer said, ‘He is a difficult man but life changes for good after you work with him. Some people want to go through hell first. Life bann jaati hai.’ I didn’t understand why purgatory was necessary. Another former assistant said, ‘When you work with the worst (SLB) and the best (KJO), you are ready for the rest.
A young woman gave him a thesis she wrote on his films. He asked her to write a book on her. She said she wanted to assist as a director. She never heard from him. A filmmaker said SLB was too friendly with another assistant, suggesting intimacy. A writer wasn’t given credit in a film.
Another writer was promised his script will be turned into a film but it never took off and now he feels his life has been ruined. A young filmmaker’s debut movie SLB produced was delayed, not promoted, and called ‘kachra’ to his face.
The young man said SLB is sexist, homophobe, classist, fat shamer, emotional abuser, and a body shamer. “He is a joyless pit of darkness where happiness goes to die. And those are the nicest words I can think of to describe him,” he said. Another filmmaker said a choreographer was in a relationship with SLB and wanted to marry him but he wouldn’t even touch her, a hotly discussed conversation amongst his minions.
Everything sounds hokum. A successful man is likely to upset a few. The few will talk. Their words may ring true through a gossamer veil of implausibility. Myths magnifying his persona.
There are too many myths about his personal life, aroused by his silence on the subject but all too obvious in his work. When people want to confirm with me, I am equally appalled at their lack of aesthetics. Like the great reader of curtains, Edgar Allan Poe, you only have to look at SLB’s use of billowy curtains in films to guess.
Above stanza, courtesy Poe, poem: The Raven.
Hope you get the drift, or draft, hawa ka jhonka! By the way, am digressing now, is the weirdly named character Sameer Rosselline in Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam the first mainstream Hindi film hero to pass wind? The ruffled curtains are first to be cautioned though.
Unlike most people willing to swallow their pride to work with SLB, few like the eponymous Gangubai character choose izzat. The house-help employed in my actor friend’s house was asked to work as a cook in his house. When she heard the whimsy, dessert-craving demands, she declined the offer. I identify with her no-nonsense style.
In November 2021, a filmmaker read a film script I wrote and said, ‘This is SLB territory. Only he can make it. It is the modern love-story he has been wanting to make for a long time.
Are you sure?’ I asked, somewhat flattered but also bewildered.
Yes, we just have to change the setting from Calcutta-Bombay to Calcutta-New York. It is what he has been trying to crack. I’ll get him to read it.
I never spoke to SLB about my script. I did not want to look like a schemer. I had only got a chance because of my mother’s story. I had come to write courtesan songs. Hindi films are recognised by their songs. His films have show tunes that live on long after the sequins and mirrors reflect a decadent style. He employs the old-fashioned method of making Hindi films, which is to stitch scenes around a song, not the other way round. And when you glean your references from the best of classical melodies, how can you falter?
My own SLB story is that after watching Saawariya in 2007, I wrote a few songs, moved to Bombay, lived in Versova, close to Magnum Opus, and hoped to meet him, but made no effort even though I came in close contact with people who worked directly with him. I never requested for a meeting. Over the years, I too had heard a few horror stories about him. I only believe in what I see. I waited when he would call for me, my work would have to speak for itself.
A day before Good Friday, his CEO sat me down and said it’s not working out.
There’s a mythical story of how Lata Mangeshkar was on her way to record a song for SLB but the heavens poured and she had to turn her car back. A typical SLB frame of hope and hopelessness.
Never work with your idols. You’ll have a better story to imagine and create myths.
I was so relieved to leave. I hadn’t got a moment to read, or write, let alone think since I got here. Why I wanted to work with SLB was to not believe in hearsay. I will either confirm or deny.
Great,’ I said, ‘everyone deserves an off on Good Friday.
The office was unsure about public holidays. SLB’s mood dictated the calendar.
Before returning to Calcutta, I met a friend entrenched in the film business.
When she heard of the fiasco, she said, ‘I’ve heard he is very anal, is he?
The vibrator jokes never stop.
submitted by Gossip-Luv2 to BollyBlindsNGossip [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 23:58 SUBLOLLIPOP [Request] More streamlined process for starting your Godot journey

Godot has always been a bit of an underdog in the game dev community, but it's obviously found its niche here, with us. Godot is a great engine with its friendliness towards beginners, its capability to make high-end games, its flexibility in terms of what graphics engine you want to use, if you want to use touch etc., and of course, it being open source, which means that games made with it can't, for instance, cost you ten cents per download, even if that game is free. Godot is great, but one thing is really keeping the door to the mainstream shut - the jankiness of making a new project.
Unity has a concise menu, where you either choose which project you want to work on or if you want to create a new one. There is a clear layer of abstraction keeping files and project separated. In Godot, you have to find the right file path, then click "create folder", and then get on with your day. And here's why that's a problem.
The "select path" thing is only really necessary the first time you make a project, but first time impressions last - especially on a complete programming beginner, who will very likely be bewildered and confused by the process - file explorer lingo (AKA slashes and "C: ") is not common knowledge.
The project has to be created in an empty folder; the create folder button adds a mostly unnecessary step to the process of making a project. This does not feel intuitive for most beginners, and although we as fairly experienced users of Godot have gotten used to it, and most programmers know how computers work and why it is set up in this way, for a beginner it will feel like Godot putting a stick to the wheel of their learning process by making the process more complicated than it needs to be.
Don't remember that installing the program involves unzipping a folder; an easy task, but one that intimidates many beginners (more than a simple setup wizard). Starting your programming journey by being expected to know how to unzip a folder (or even know to unzip it in the first place) could make a beginner feel like they're not fit for programming. (Also, you have to create a desktop shortcut or do something of the like to be able to launch Godot like you would any other program).
These are all small things, but they add up to a larger uncomfortable setup process that filters out 10% of beginner programmers and let 70% in with a larger doubt in their ability to program and smaller trust in Godot as a piece of software than before they even considered coding. This is far from an unsolvable problem; I think these two simple steps could massively help Godot reach a wider audience:

Setup Wizard

Not necessarily removing the zip option, let the default installation option be a .msi or .exe file that sets up Godot in your Program Files like most other applications and gives you the option to make a desktop shortcut.

Project Manager

Make Godot projects "projects" instead of files. Hide all the file manager jibber-jabber and just show the user the file names and maybe a thumbnail and which graphics engine that project uses. This would once again abstract the file structure type of things and make it much less intimidating for a beginner to launch something new. Also, no "create folder" button. You just make a project, simple as that.
The options to change your default Godot folder or go back to the old folder-creating system should of course exist.
Please let me know your thoughts on this in the comments, my ears are open and I'm excited to hear everyone's thoughts
submitted by SUBLOLLIPOP to godot [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 23:56 brianiceisnice Reddit is just not what it once was… ✌️ find me on here strictly for PoGo or promoting my Entertainment stuff. message me if you’d like to chat about absolutely anything.

posted something last night before going to bed, basically venting my heart out. still on my notes, ask me to send it and I’ll send it to you. anyways, posted it on two different sub-reddits. not sure what I was expecting; maybe asking for consolation, asking for advice, asking for literally any human connection or validation for my feelings. what I got back instead was negative comments towards me, a couple of “what tf did i just read?”, a whole lot of “what did you expect [insert multiple synonyms for stupid]”, a ton of “this is the wrong subreddit, dweeb” and all around shit that made me delete the posts—because I ain’t tryna be THIS much of a bother to complete strangers. I thought welp, what should I have expected from people online, who don’t have to show their faces.
me? I love showing my face, I love criticism, I love life, I love starting fights, I love calming people down, I love causing problems for people who have ill-intent towards others, I love fixing problems for people who have nothing but love in their heart especially to strangers, I love passion, I love deep emotions, I love that this is my main and only account, and honestly I don’t know what Angels/God/Devil/Karma/Allah/Life/what YOU believe dictates our being, has in store for me, but I’m giving life my 500% ALL.
I posted the two posts to lighten a load off my shoulders and I thought I could turn the tables on a negative situation by bringing it to light, but instead was blasted out the wazoo. I deleted the posts because I’m not trying to upset more people with my word diarrhoea. I thought, maybe let’s try again and this morning reposted in a different two sub-reddits, as per recommendation of some users… was met with the same hostility.. nah, nah… deleted all four posts with no remorse and now plan to never fux with Reddit apart from promo and PoGo. use Social Medias, don’t let them use you.
TIP FOR ME MOVING FORWARD: SHUT THE (eff) UP. keep grinding, don’t stop the hustle, and keep on repeating whatever other red pill sayings are necessary to keep the drive alive. to keep that drill uphill. if you’re reading this, thank you. feel free to give me a follow, a subscribe, or send me a message. one day I plan to be ALL of the following: (one of the top) greatest Pokémon Go Trainer’s that ever lived, a screenplay writer for series and films, a novel writer, a dancer, an actor, a singer, a rapper, a musician, a director, a music video producer, and in-between this work & family life, make online content for funsies. I’m working on these goals: TODAY. not tomorrow, not in a week, TODAY. I don’t care how broke I am, I don’t care how much debt I owe, I’m done living for others. hit me up if you have a dream I can help you with, because honestly my dream-dream goal is to give people resources to do exactly what they want in life. life is both too short and too long NOT to do exactly what you want EVERYDAY. go out and do shit.
Thanks for being around, Reddit. I should add that there was actually one person who was helpful and supportive on one of my four posts. complete stranger, reached out on their own volition. maybe God had me post allat so they could find me 🤷‍♂️ I got no up votes on any of the four posts but there were multiple comments with almost 50 upvotes 😂 ✌️
submitted by brianiceisnice to u/brianiceisnice [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 23:55 Electronic-Dare-7299 [routine help] Oily skin after Niacinamide?

In my entire life, I have never tried any skin care products. I just used a regular bar soap on my face. I had a really clear skin and it also wasn’t oily. I rarely get pimples, but if i do it just stays for a a day or two not unless its a huge one where it sometimes stays for a week. December 2023 I had this one pimple on my right cheek and when it healed it left a pimple mark. Usually I don’t get pimple marks so when it stayed for almost an entire two weeks I started to panic. Fast forward to January 2024. I decided to try skincare, and searched on, google “how to fade acne marks” it suggested on using niacinamide serums, so I started using a 4% niacinamide serum with licorice extract. It actually worked and faded my acne mark. However after a few weeks i noticed that my skin was geting oily, which caused to form other pimples which lead to pimple marks. I kept using it so that it would fade the pimple marks even though it makes my skin oily. Subsequently, I started using a cleanser with niacinamide, aha bha, and tea tree extract. I’ve been using the cleanser for a week now, i haven’t seen any difference in the oilyness of my skin. What should i do? What should i add to my routine? Should i stop using niacinamide?
submitted by Electronic-Dare-7299 to SkincareAddiction [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 23:48 Perfect-Holiday9150 Feeling really confused right now? Should I (25F) stay or leave him (26M) for good?

Relationship started off really good, hit it off well, very common goals and interests of life and because of religion we don’t get a lot of time before we should inform our families about someone. I asked him if he had ANYTHING to tell me, this is because when we met up I felt he was hiding something or had something to say, he said no. I proceeded to tell them even though I knew in my heart something was wrong.
I found out through his mom that he is divorced, I felt disgusted, embarrassed and deceived that he lied to my face with no remorse. He told me he was “scared” because it was recent. I wanted to leave him but he begged me to stay. He wanted to be with me badly, said that there was never anyone he’s ever met like me.
Over the months I have struggled a lot with trusting him, his divorce stories don’t add up, seeing things of how he treated his ex wife through messages etc has really taken me back. More importantly the topic of conversation is majority of the time about him, I feel like he is not emotionally intelligent and understanding. He does things for me physically like taking me out, going to get food etc but shouldn’t this be the bare minimum? All he does is compare himself to my sisters husbands, and I think to myself it’s not all about physical things. I want emotional intimacy, I don’t need all things physical. He complains how useless men are that they can’t cook or clean for their wives, well isn’t that just transactional behaviour? Where’s the love, the empathy and understanding or consideration. When a problem arises is he always going to deny/deflect or blame others for his mistakes? I have tried so much to help him, I’ve expressed my upset in his behaviour at times.
He lives alone, his family barely bother with him, he clearly has childhood trauma and talks about it relentlessly and sometimes doesn’t stop. I worry about if he has cheated on me and has hid it, the thing is that he always tells me that he would never do that to me, that I can have his social logins and everything. My concern is that if or when I bring things up he twists is around on me, blaming me or his past. There’s never any accountability. There hasn’t been anything that I’ve seen him do to betray my trust, he really wants this to work. He is lonely and I’m his only network of support, I don’t want to be someone he can use to build himself up and to discard me, I just get so scared I never know where his mind is at. He does spend all his time with me but I just get scared he changes when or if I was to move in.
Right now I feel very scared and overwhelmed with emotions, I felt pushed into sleeping with him of which he barely expressed any sympathy or understanding. He keeps telling me he loves and wants to do for me but in my heart I can’t feel anything. I feel so emotionally disconnected.
Please help, anyone been in a situation where there partner really wants to be with them and it work?
submitted by Perfect-Holiday9150 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 23:41 Super-Wishbone7324 is this a bad sign for my relationship??

Hi My partner (M16) and I (F17) have had a little bit of a rocky road and I really need help. I don't know if I'm overreacting or not
So, today he texted me out of nowhere, "Hey. Can I add A (placeholder name) back?" and I was immediately floored and my stomach dropped. This girl has been so odd with us and almost set us up for failure, and he told me to block her, I did, and he did the same. Little did I know, he was talking to her irl this whole time. Normally I'd be fine with that, minus the fact he said he cut her out completely!
When we got to talk out in person, I asked to see his phone and he got super defensive and said "No" every time. He has NEVER done that. I got really worried, but I ended up getting his phone. I read the texts and he said, "yeah she's so fucking weird😂" when they were talking about me and how I blocked her. He made her believe that it was all my fault! I'm just following THE RULES HE MADE!!! That immediately made me start crying. He then asked her if she wanted to go to the gym with him, and I was BESIDE MYSELF. HIS REASONING WAS "oh shes been wanting to go and I want gym friends." I'VE BEEN WANTING TO?? I'VE BEEN ASKING TO TOO. AND YOU NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR GYM FRIENDS which is great BUT WHAT? 🙁 IT'S THE BIGGEST THING IN HIS LIFE AND HE ASKED ANOTHER GIRL TO ACCOMPANY HIM.
He also said I never let him have friends, but he made me cut off EVERYONE I LIKED and this was the ONLY GIRL I DIDN'T LIKE. I love him having friends! I introduce him to my own so he can have more, but I'm not allowed to meet his. I was so hurt and I don't know what to do. Is this even healthy at all??? It completely killed my trust and we've been together almost a year!! I'm so beyond heartbroken and I feel disgusted and betrayed. I don't know how I'll ever come back from this because it hurts so much. He's done so much to me but I love him I need help I don't know what to do anymore
submitted by Super-Wishbone7324 to TooAfraidToAsk [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 23:35 sneedsformerlychucks I get uncomfortable when aspie / autistic people online talk about what good parents they think they are, and I feel like an asshole

It is a small fraction of the number of parents who proudly identify as autistic who will talk openly about how they think their disability adversely affects their ability to parent and how they try to compensate for these things. Far more seem to either claim, to the contrary, that doesn't affect their parenting skills, that it simply makes it "different" or just don't talk about it. And as a result, honestly the first thing that comes to mind when I hear these people talk about parenting on the spectrum or whatever is that they must be coming up short in some ways. Not that they're necessarily terrible or awful or should have their children taken away, but that they're not engaging with a lot of elements of emotional attunement that they should be engaging because of their condition, but are also completely unaware of the fact that they should be engaging with these things for the same reason.
There is also, of course, no point in telling them any of this because they won't get it for the same reason. Even though I don't voice these thoughts I feel like a bitch for having them, though, for a variety of reasons: 1) I'm a stranger making blanket assumptions about people based on things I read on the internet and have no place whatsoever making this kind of presumption about their life or parenting skills, 2) it's possible they are in fact very self-aware and just don't demonstrate this in their writing, 3) since autism is at this point so broad a diagnostic category as to be medically incoherent, it's possible that their unique manifestation of autism actually doesn't detract from their parenting ability at all. These are all very legitimate reasons.
However, on the other hand, there's Occam's razor, which points me in one direction, and I really can't help but think, am I wrong? I'd love to be wrong, I just don't think I am. We're all here because to whatever extent we've been hurt by our parent because of their disability. And where are our parents? In most cases, not in support groups talking about how hard it is for their children and how hard they're working to overcome their problems. Most of our parents think they're doing just fine, and the kids are just "weird" or "bad" for some reason because they won't do the things they want the way they want. Or "good" because they are doing the things they want the way they want. But either way, our parents don't really see their kids as people. It's not their fault. We know that. But pain doesn't have to be intended to be felt. Unless they show otherwise, what reason do I have to think these people are different, that they're not like our parents?
This is not even exclusively the case for the ones who identify as high-functioning or aspies, as you'd imagine, it's the case across the spectrum. There are a pretty shocking number of women are diagnosed with level 2 or 3 autism who are also mothers but in my experience, for whatever reason, they tend not to reflect on how their disorder has adversely affected their parenting when you'd think it would in fact have profound effects. I recall this one person (whose username I will not mention) who talks about how extensively and profoundly her autism has affected her life: she says she stims constantly and her eyes always dart around the room, she has a major speech impediment, is not supposed to be unsupervised for any length of time, cannot cross the street on her own, often loses the ability to speak or has violent meltdowns where caregivers have to restrain her for some time before she calms down (I suspect a lot of this is due to trauma rather than autism exclusively but that's neither here nor there I guess). Despite her challenges, though, she says she managed to have a daughter and raise her effectively, despite having such issues with self-care prior to her diagnosis that she was nearly taken by child services at one point: "I read lots of books on parenting and apparently I did a pretty good job." And when I read this, God strike me down for saying this, but I thought "how could that even be possible?" Maternal attunement and reciprocal conversational interchange between mother and infant is the means by which an infant learns to understand who they are; if you understand absolutely nothing of this normal conversation and are physically incapable of making eye contact even with your own baby, won't that have lasting effects on your child? It's not something you can just learn by reading a book; it is something any parenting book, at least for a lay audience, would simply assume you know. Add in the fact that she apparently functions at a 5-6-year-old level in everything other than intellectual capacity and I realize that some people find it easier to care for another person than themselves, but fuck! Her adult daughter may have told her she did a good job out of love, knowing she did her best with her limited means and capacity, but that does not mean she was actually raised well, and because of her autism obviously she wouldn't realize in the first place that this was a lie. When I saw her post this AMA thread about herself I had to fight off an almost overwhelming urge to ask pointed questions about this and force myself to leave her alone. Some consolation seems to be that she wasn't the only caregiver as she talked about the father and his family being very involved.
submitted by sneedsformerlychucks to raisedbyautistics [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 23:30 Famous_Deer_5965 Is it possible for me (33M) to be a better partner for my girlfriend (31F) and move beyond what's already happened?

Hi. I (33M) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (31F) for the past year. We have been doing long-distance and it's been difficult, to put it lightly. I have been a certain way my whole life and have never really addressed it. I can be stubborn, irritable, and irrationally angry. Basically, I can be an asshole. Until now, I've sort of just accepted it's who I am and that I get it from my father. However this has obviously taken a toll on my girlfriend and she is at a point where she is done with the relationship. In addition to the above, she has often felt like I don't care about her needs/feelings and that I've never made her feel special. We would have fights and discussions and she would tell me how she feels and what she needs. She often felt insecure because of how I would react and get so angry at times and threaten the relationship. I would always claim that I can do better and that it won't continue. However it would continue. I would think I could handle these things myself but I just couldn't. After several cycles of this, it just wore her down to having no confidence in us.
I've always had an excuse for my behavior. I first blamed it on my diagnosed ADD thinking that treatment for that would help (it did slightly), then I blamed external factors such as stress surrounding our plans or my anxiety disorder. At no point did I really accept that the reason for so much of our troubles was simply just me and whatever internal issues I have.
It's been a couple of weeks since we last saw each other. We spent a month together and my bulls*it caused so many fights, arguments, and general negativity and a big fight on our last day really pushed her away. It's very clear she has lost a lot of love for me and she doesn't see how this can work. It's made me really acknowledge my ignorance in the past and how I've essentially ruined this relationship single-handedly.
I don't understand why I've acted the way I have, despite always feeling like she is the love of my life. I feel that way now more than ever before. Being with her is all I want. I've accepted everything that's happened and am committed to being everything she wanted and needs. I have been getting support from friends with what I can do and am starting therapy for the first time next week to start understanding why I have always been this way and what I can do to correct those negative behaviors. I want so desperately to be better and not let any of those past issues be present going forward with her. Not only specific to this relationship, I'm just committed to being a better person without those issues present in my life. I hate that I've been this way and will do whatever I can to change it.
I have been trying to convince her how committed I am to making this work and being a great partner, however she doesn't see how it can happen. I'm sort of at a loss for what to do. I can't handle the idea of being without her and will do whatever I can to show her that, but she says "the damage is done."
So my question is 1, is changing these behaviors realistic? And 2, how do I explain to her that what's happened in the past will not be what we are going forward?
submitted by Famous_Deer_5965 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 23:24 RezeeWasTaken Not everyone deserves unlimited chances for everything, there is a limit to it all and that once you exceed that limit, you get what you asked for and its impossible to forgive yourself.

First of all, apologies in advance for the potentially lengthy post. I just have to get this off my chest, also interested to see what other people think.
For some context: I am a 17 year old male who has been living with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) my entire life, and have been depressed since I was 9-10, with my depression generally growing worse with each year, the past 6ish months specifically being one of my worst episodes of suicidal thoughts and depression in somewhere close to 3 years, and that time I had attempted to kill myself for the first time through asphyxiation.
I should add on too that despite having ASD for my entire life, I was actually diagnosed with it earlier this year, along with MDD too. (The story as to how I got my diagnosis is an entire other story that I will leave out here but would not mind sharing if anyone asks.)
I have been far from a decent person over the past decade or so, with my behaviour and actions being antisocial at best and plain stupid at worst, this includes but is not limited to; being inconsiderate and rude, consistent lying and deception, thievery and even being a bit physically abusive just to name a few.
From the ages of 8-14. I was an absolute piece of shit, constantly being cold hearted to everyone around me and taking all the compassion that they would give me for granted, and whenever I would get called out for it, I would never take responsibility, trying to shift the blame to someone else. And I would lie over every little thing, every innocuous detail, whatever it was, I would lie about it.
And of course me being a kid at the time and begging enough, I was given multiple chances by friends and family alike. I was let back into my friend groups despite the shitty treatment I gave them, my family continued to take care of me and would not mistreat me (at least in my eyes) although I took all of that for granted, did not learn my lesson and instead just gave them the middle finger.
It got so bad to the point where after like 4 years of the cycle repeating, acting like this and being given, from what I can recall, 8 chances to change but not changing. I was pretty much ousted from my family and friends, going on to be treated like an outcast. Having multiple groups of friends in school at the time coming up to me and telling me that they did not want to be my friends anymore and my family going ahead and ignoring me. It was at that point where it all hit me, when I was around 13 years old.
I had already been pretty depressed up to that point, not only because of the backlash I had received from the way I conducted myself but for other reasons too such as unable to meet expectations that my parents and teachers would place on me (I am an Asian kid and come from an Asian household so I was always expected to be more than what I was capable of.) and so being outcasted and treated like a stranger, coupled on with everything else I was going through at the time, caused me to have my worst depressive episode ever. I finally understood that I was a worthless sack of shit, that I bothered and burdened everyone around me for so long, despite being given many chances to change. And for once in my life, I finally took responsibility, I had no one else but myself to blame, it was entirely my fault.
I had become all alone by 14, shun by everyone around me and it was not like I could complain about everyone ignoring me and no longer wanting to do anything with me because I deserved it frankly for the way I treated people. The self hatred becoming too much and I just wanted to escape so I attempted to kill myself for the first time, ultimately failing though since trying to asphyxiate is insanely painful that my body naturally began struggling to survive.
Since then, I have not really recovered, more so just gotten used to it all, feeling invisible, dealing with the consequences of my actions, my suicidal and depressing thoughts, everything that now its just common occurrence to want to die, with the thoughts even being comforting and relieving at times.
I have tried to change over the past couple of years, even getting into a relationship that lasted for little over a year before we broke up and ended things on good terms. And although I can say that I am a better person that who I was a couple years ago, frankly I was way too late and still feel like the ultimate burden, just absolute dead weight that's for some reason being kept around, I was given the opportunity to change ages ago, multiple times, yet I blew it all away.
That is where it leaves me today, a hinderance who has stayed well past their welcome. A foul person who was unable to change and make it up to everyone in time, despite all the chances that I was given. My decision to not change and to continue with my shitty personality and behaviour causing a flurry of individual consequences, where when piled and stacked upon each other, creates this massive list of consequences that I cant ever make up for. Its as if there was this massive backlog that I just never attended to and now my unwillingness to attend to it is coming to bite me in the back, and honestly, I do not even know why I am still trying in life. I have been given somewhere around 10 chances to change for the better and turn my life around but failed each and every time, wasting away years of my life, harming everyone around me in the process. I can never forgive myself and it does not matter how much I do since the damage has already been done.
And yes, as I mentioned before, I was diagnosed as an autist earlier this year, which would have played a part to this all with varying levels of effect but I hate using that as an excuse, and one reason why I was afraid of receiving the diagnosis. I have lived pretty much my entire life up until this year unaware that I was autistic but even so, I want to take responsibility and not try to dismiss it all as just a part of being autistic.
I really want to kill myself, I in fact really should kill myself for the way I have lived my life up to this point. Its not just the antisocial-ness that eggs me on to kill myself, as I hinted at earlier 5 paragraphs above, there are a lot of other shit that goes on in my life asides from this, this is just one of the big, main reasons out of the multitude of reasons as to why I should kill myself that I wanted to talk about today. And it feels like the list of reasons why I should commit suicide grows in some way with each day that passes by.
Once again, apologies for the long post, it turned out to be way longer than what I had expected, but its something that I feel strongly about and wanted to talk about for a while since I really only allow myself to be depressed over things I have control over as I try not to focus on the external factors outside my control too much, and so I tend to be more caught up on and frustrated at things that could have been avoided but wasn't because of me such as this. Thank you for making it this far when you really did not need to, I am glad that I was able to get a chunk of my inner turmoil and conflict out after years of keeping it within. I will try my best to reply and answer any questions.
submitted by RezeeWasTaken to SuicideWatch [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 23:24 PWOFalcon As Astra Volume 0, Prolog, Chapter 1, part 2

Part 1: https://www.reddit.com/HFY/comments/1cxj7h8/comment/l52vtd5/?context=3
*****

The Palatini of Orias journey took nine grueling days of traveling down the peaks of Torness Mountain Range. But at long last, they reached the Coralus Valley. While the temperature was far below what the half-elf usually enjoyed, it was far better than the mountain peaks.
They traveled through the valley, trying to avoid the multiple hostiles, villages, and anyone else who could tip off their enemies. They had to take every tedious path imaginable to prevent possible contact with the enemy.
Staring at their destination, Fraeya Holiadon could not decide if she should be thrilled or distorted at the sight. "Is this the place?"
"I believe so," Raegel said. "The pattern of the structures matches my drawings and the map. See the remains of the two walls?"
"And the stone rings that direct out," Henness said.
"So, you have read the legends," Raegel said, surprised by the centurion's knowledge of the temple.
"I always prepare before a mission," Henness said. "Those half rings, are they stone or artificial?"
"They look like stone, so I think they used the ground stone and molded them," Raegel said.
Fraeya Holiadon carefully stared at the temple ruins. All she could see was the destruction—fractured stone buildings, walls, weed-infested stone pavement, and so on. While there were still many stone structures, most were destroyed. She could only see death, not the walls her father could see.
She turned to ask her father what he was talking about but saw Centurion Fionntan Henness pointing toward the walls and other details.
Watching the two communicate about the features of the temple, she realized how out of depth she was. Her father spent generations studying ruins like this, while Henness is an experienced soldier. For Fraeya, this was her first mission outside the academy supervision, and she realized how different the world was compared to the classroom.
As the two spoke, her elf ears overheard Henness mention that he saw green webbing. As the two men debated what creatures could create that webbing, she already knew based on the type of webbing. Being an excellent student, she recalled the topic regarding intelligent monsters. While many species produce a web, only one creates a thick green. Goblins.
"Father," Fraeya said. "I think goblins made those webbings."
"How could you possibly know that?" Henness asked, unconvinced by the theory. "It would easily be Rorgo or a Kipt."
Fraeya reached into her backpack and pulled out her notepad. She flipped through the pages and responded, "Kipt is more silk-like, while Rorgo is more for capturing prey. Both are white. Only Goblins make green."
"She is correct," Raegel said. "The green should have been a given."
"Alright," Henness said. "That complicates things."
"How so?" Fraeya asked. "The academy said they are weak. Adventures and local militia kill them constantly, so your men should be able to wipe them out with your weaponry easily."
"Goblins are weak in small numbers, but they are a nightmare in large numbers," Henness said. "And depending on the horde, they adapt to who their enemies are quickly. For all I know, we could be fighting a nest that is as heavily armed as we are."
Fraeya looked back toward the next with much confusion. She knew about the goblin's ability to adapt. However, her teachers never stated how formal they could be. Only treating them as barbarians is a functional civilization. "I would think the academy would mention something like that."
"If you are going to be out here in the world, you must understand that life is very different from the classroom," Henness said. "The difference between someone who lives behind a desk versus someone on the ground. Now, I need to get my forces ready for our attack."
Once the centurion left, Fraeya looked at her father. "I am starting to get the impression that my schooling wasn't as truthful as I once thought."
Raegel chuckled at the statement from his daughter. "That is what I said when I left my academy in Thali'ean," he said with a short chuckle before he spoke. "Henness was correct; there is a large gap between the classroom and out here in the world."
"I see. So, now, what do we do?"
"We wait for the legionaries to form a plan. Because time is not on our side, he will want you to assist with your magic. Do you think you can assist? If you are uncomfortable, tell me now, and you can stay here where it is safe."
Feeling a nervous chill creeping down her spine, she looked back toward the temple and breathed heavily. "I admit, I am scared, but I didn't come here to babysit the camp. I want to help."
She felt her father pat her on the back, feeling a sense of pride from his touch.
"That's my daughter."
After an hour of planning, the Palatini of Orias began their assault on the temple ruins. The plan was for a primary team to assault the temple directly, triggering a response from the goblin. The second team would remain on the high ground and pick off the horde.
Fraeya ended up on the right side of the group team. To her surprise, many soldiers were thrilled that they were finally getting into a fight. She wondered, after two weeks of crawling over the mountains and hiding like rodents, they finally got a chance to be soldiers.
The primary assault group she was attached to advance toward the temple once the signal was given. Passing one of the few remaining wall structures, they entered the temple ground. As they swept through the old temple's front sections, the goblins huddled around a fire pit, noticed them, and prepared for battle.
Three legionaries known as circilmen, from the palatini positioned themselves to engage the incoming enemy. Carrying a ranged projectile weapon known as a circiletum, they hid behind the front shield men and fired upon the incoming enemy. They picked off two of the three goblins as the last one quickly crawled under a piece of rubble for cover. Then, the palatini heard a painful screech from the hiding goblin.
Fraeya couldn't help herself but stand there noticing the two fresh corpses. She then watched as two of the swordsmen rushed to the hiding goblin. They reached in and pulled the little green monster out of its hiding spot.
Two swordsmen grabbed the goblin and dragged it from its cover, it jumped on top of one of the legionaries, stabbing its blade into its armor, unable to break through. With a short struggle, the legionary could slam the goblin onto the ground. The other legionary stomped on the body before thrusting his gladius into the monster.
Hearing another screech, Fraeya looked down the stone path and saw goblins popping out of every crack and corner.
One of the legionary officers ordered the unit to reform. The swordsmen took the front with their large scutum shields, creating a two-line protective shield wall. Behind them were the circilmen, taking cover behind the scutum.
The group of goblins charged forward. As they approached, the legionaries saw the raw, starving rage within their dark green eyes—a thirst for primal instincts of food and lust and nothing else.
"Fraeya, is it?"
Hearing her name, she turned to the commanding offer of this group.
"When I give the order, shake the ground." The lower-ranking Centurian said.
Fraeya acknowledged the order as she understood what he was planning.
Turning back to the incoming horde, she watched the three circilmen open fire. The circiletums cut down the forward group of goblins. The ones behind that row suddenly stopped from the shock but were cut down by a second volley.
"Now. Before they scatter."
Fraeya placed her hands together and chanted. The two tiny mana crystals on her gloves blew green as she felt a raw energy channel through her body. A moment later, that glow expanded to the point that it encompassed her hand.
Channeling the mana needed for the spell, Fraeya placed her left hand on the ground.
The stone ground beneath them shook the stone terra, stunning the goblins. Right down the center, cracks formed, and the terra broke apart. The road slightly uplifted into an elevation, forcing the goblins to focus on what was happening.
With the ground disinformed, it prevented the enemy from scattering in an organized manner, allowing the circilmen to fire another volley.
The front scutum marched forward and started cutting down anything that moved. The other line split into two groups. They were marching down the street in an almost synchronized manner. They held their shields high toward the ruins, protecting the circilmen from any incoming projectile. Arrows and magic.
Fireballs flew and impacted the scutum infantry, protecting the flanks. Some of the shields glowed from the impact. The flames engulfed one of the men's arms, and he started to scream from the pain.
The circilmen returned fire, and a firefight began. The sound of their weapons crackled throughout the surrounding area, amplified by the ruined walls. Above the sound of battle were the voices and cries of the wounded—the circiletum that were deployed on the ridge above rained fire from the suppressive team.
The Palatini of Orias pushed deeper into the temple ground as the battle continued. That was until the town began to be consumed by this thick haze, providing cover for the goblins, and restricting visibility for the Lat forces. While not educated to the standards of civilized races, Goblins were not stupid.
"It is a haze," Fraeya said. "They must have a mage somewhere within the nest."
Centurion Fionntan Henness approached their forces and began to regroup. "Can you counter it?"
"No," Fraeya replied. "I never studied Aeromancy magic."
"Nebulo," Henness said. "Our armor and weapons will be less effective."
Fraeya understood his concern. From what she recalled from her classes; goblins have sharp senses. Based on the density of the haze, it was clear even to her that they were planning to force them to huddle and expose themselves to be surrounded, making their ranged weapons worthless.
"We will just have to work around it," Raegel said.
As Frayea prepared herself, she felt a strange feeling throughout her body, almost like some field affecting her body. She saw a female legionary in light armor and a cloak checking over the wounded. One of the few women in the legionary, she could tell she was the unit healer specializing in Sanamancy magic. The women must have placed a barrier to help protect against any poisonous gasses lying within the haze.
Orias advanced through the haze; this forced the soldiers to clump together for safety. As the assault group progressed, they were hit non-stop by the goblin's arrow fire, spears, and fire shots from sling guns. Most of these projectiles caused minor damage thanks to the heavy armor legionary’s wear. However, this did not remove the damage as it brought discomfort and limited their progression to a crawl.
Barely noticing two figures on top of a rooftop through the haze, who were firing slingshots toward their position, she pointed her hand toward a piece of rubble and, with her magic, lifted the debris and projected it through the haze. The rubble temporarily formed a gap in the haze that increased the line-of-sight.
She then called out to the fire battle mage within the unit. The mage realized what was happening and fired multiple firebolts toward the tower. Five bolts impacted the building from different directions, engulfing the structure in flames. Everyone could hear the faint sound of goblins screaming as the building burnt.
With the tower collapsing suddenly, arrows rained through the thick haze, hitting the legionaries in retaliation. While most arrows bounced off the armor, some found exposed spots. Two more legionaries fell to their knees, with one vomiting blood, forcing the healed to focus on the sick over protecting the group.
It became clear that the goblins changed their tactics and poisoned their arrows. While worthless against armor, they could still puncture the underneath clothing and scrap any exposed part of the skin.
A luperca legionnaire picked up an old broken wagon and used it as a shield to protect. With the cover, the lower ranking commanders directed the circilmen to pick off any goblins that peaked above the surface.
Combined with the haze and change of tactic, this formed a strange stalemate between the two sides. The Orias was forced into a defensive; they were well equipped to deal with any goblins who dared to get within melee range. However, the goblins had surrounded and had the range advance as they could see through the haze, allowing them to snipe any legionary who adventured far from the group.
Fraeya saw a blob of acid impact a swordsmen's scutum. The scutum started being consumed by the spell, slowly falling into pieces. The man screamed as he felt his arm burn, desperately untieing the strappings to ditch the heavy shield.
"We need to kill their shaman before we are picked off," Raegel said.
"I agreed," Henness replied. "As long as this haze is here, my suppressive team is useless."
"If I recall," Fraeya said. "A Shaman should be nearby. Someone close enough to maintain this haze and give commands but not put themselves in danger."
"Then I know where it should be," Henness said. "Let's go half-elf."
She felt her ears perk up once she realized the centurion was talking about her. She looked toward her father and saw the 'it is time to prove yourself' look. Taking a deep breath and preparing herself, she gathered behind Henness and six of his men.
The assault unit left the main one and adventurer deeper into the temple grounds. As they reached what remained of an intersection, goblins stormed out of the stone buildings to ambush the legionaries.
With their disciplined reaction, the legionaries immediately adjusted their formation and sliced down the attackers. Henness stood at the center, holding his sword out as flames wrapped around the blade.
As the goblins attacked the swordsmen, Fraeya broke apart the ground on the right flank, knocking many goblins. The one that fell, she entangled them by summoning vines - which trapped the goblins and pulled them into the ground until their death or burial.
She then turned and lifted parts of the ground on the left flank, blocking some of the goblins. This prevented the legionaries from being encircled.
"Reform," Henness ordered. "We need to advance quickly. Stay close."
Once the path was clear, the unit moved toward the building where the goblins had fortified. Henness moved in front of her to provide protection. He held up his shield, deflecting arrows.
"Stay behind me," Henness said.
While not being a military woman, Fraeya quickly learned to accept the chain of command on this quest. On the battlefield, her father told her to listen to Henness as he was a man of war. She realized that the structure and safety of the city and the academy are vastly different in the countryside. Getting behind him, she followed him close behind as he pushed forward, arrows striking his shield, allowing her to get in range for her spell.
The legionaries stopped engaging the incoming goblins, allowing their centurion and the young mage to get closer. Henness reached around his scutum and pressed the amulet attached to the outer shell's center. Once pressed, the large shield briefly glowed before darkening, returning to the standard red with white lining design.
Up ahead, Fraeya saw in full display of the nest. Spikes, fortification, and green webbing filled the gaps between the ruined structures. Skeletons and decomposing bodies littered the areas of their past victims. The goblins were standing in the bunker sections, preparing for battle. With how heavily guarded it was, she concluded that this must be where the Shaman was.
"Fraeya, now!"
Fraeya moved around the man to cast her spell. With a quick chant, her hands glowed green again. As she channeled her mana, an acid attack impacted Henness' scutum. While the added hardening enchantment from the amulet increased the scutum resistance, the acid slowly ate through the large shield.
Stepping from cover, Fraeya aimed her hands at the nest. The ground trembled a little as the front of the nest collapsed on itself from the summoned sinkhole.
With the front entrance open, Fraeya saw the Shaman in plain view—a female, being one of the few within a goblin nest. The Shama looked scared as she looked around where to hide.
Fraeya did not give it time as she cast a spell that created a spike from the ground below the Shaman and pierced straight through the vicious monster, killing it instantly.
As the Shaman staff hit the ground, the haze started to disappear.
Believing that her work was complete after killing the goblin leader, her ears quickly heard footsteps surrounding them.
Noticing that the goblins were about to swarm their position, she took cover behind Henness to protect his rear. She took a deep breath as she felt exhausted from the battle and cast so many spells quickly.
Starting at five goblins that emerged from the ruins, Fraeya watched as they charged toward them. Before they got close, however, each one was sniped from the ridge-side suppressive team.
With a moment of confusion, she stared toward the cliffside and saw the suppressive team. Now that the haze is disappearing, they could snipe off the remaining goblins from their elevation position.
"Good job, half-elf," Henness said, slowly stepping back with a shield aimed at the flames, guiding Fraeya back.
"Stop calling me half-elf," Fraeya yelled. "I am out here risking my life with the rest of you, and don't give me that war is a male-domain thing! I am willing to see this through. Most of my kind would stay home and let you fight, so why do you keep degrading me?"
"Because ideals get people killed," Fionntan Henness replied. "Out here, you must earn that respect within the brotherhood of warriors, especially if you are used to living inside the city walls. People with a self-protected mindset usually end up as food for the worms or get my soldiers killed because they do not understand what it takes to survive."
The centurion then turned to the destroyed nest. "I will say, though, what you did here. It is a good first step for a half-elf." He then turned to give her an approving smile.
Not understanding the humor from the Lat, Fraeya accepted it. From her experience, Lats always had a strange sense of humor. Insults are sometimes seen as compliments while praising could be considered offensive. Saying one thing but meaning another is a common trait for them.
With the remaining palatini coming after clearing the remaining goblins, Fraeya saw her father. She rushed over and hugged him and teared up.
"You did good, my dear," Raegel said as he patted her.
"Is this really what it is like out here?" Fraeya asked.
"Sadly, it is," Fraeya replied. "That is why I never brought you around on my digs."
"I am sorry to interrupt," Henness said. "We are on borrowed time, so can we get at it?"
Fraeya looked toward the centurion with frustration as she wanted a moment with her father. After taking a deep breath, she realized that he was right.
After finishing her hug, she brushed off the goblin's blood and clothing.
"Then we better begin searching for what we came for," Raegel said as he reached for his bag. She watched as he pulled out a perfectly smoothed, pure black orb. By itself, it didn't look impressive. She had seen hundreds of these orbs at the academy or the many workshops within the city.
Raegel held the orb in one hand and activated it with his mana. The orb glowed light blue and fainted, barely emitting any energy. He then took it against the mountain and began scanning.
Not wanting to miss anything, Fraeya quickly pulled out her journal, skipping past all her notes until she reached a blank page. She then began documenting everything her father did, taking in every world and detail.
The palatini began walking through the ruins, heading toward the mountain wall. Raegel explained in his research that the temple extended inside the mountain, like a dwarf borrian. While others who came before him came up with this theory, they were still looking for a way to detect the hidden door markings and find it.
Raegel moved down the side of the mountain, holding the orb high.
"Why are you not using a door-detecting amulet?" Fraeya asked.
"Because people have been using that for generations and found nothing here," Raegel replied.
After a reasonable amount of time when nothing had happened, Fraeya began to wonder if everything was for nothing. Seeing the lack of progress, Henness inquired if the orb failed to work. As Raegel replied, the orb suddenly blimped orange for a moment.
Witnessing the sudden change, the group backed away as they did not know how to respond to the sudden glow.
Noticing a renewed excitement from her father, she followed him closely as they investigated the mountainside.
As they searched, her father noticed that the faint blue glow from the orb had changed to orange. It then disappeared and slowly appeared, like it was slowly pulsing. When they continued walking forward, the pulsing light increased in speed.
"I think it is directing us, father," Fraeya said.
"Possible," Raegel said. "There must be some type of link."
The palatini followed the direction the orb gave. As the group approached a mountainside wall, the pulse frequency increased until it looked like the orb glowed a solid color.
"I think we found it," Raegel said. He lifted the orb toward the wall.
As the orb drew closer to the mountainside, these blue lines appeared all over the rocky wall. The rough chips of rock melted away and turned smooth as the light traveled through the grooves, slowly creating what looked like a giant door of light.
Once the bright lights finished designing a massive door, Fraeya placed her hand on the wall, shocked at how the natural bulky rocks turned into a marble-like wall.
"I would step aside, Fraeya," Raegel said.
As Fraeya stepped backward, she watched her father open the door with a magical spell. Like most magical doors, the door brightened as she expected it would fold into the mountain. To her surprise, the door didn't fold away but melted into the ground.
"What happened to the door?" Fraeya asked.
Raegal placed his hand on his chin. "It seemed that the wall was not solid but some liquid matter. These people are impressive."
The wall began to shake as dusk from the cracks spread through the area.
A large opening formed as the door walls folded into the mountainside. A passage leading deeper into the mountain. The walls were black and smooth, while the floor had these textiles in perfect order, leading deeper into the mountain.
"This has to be a dwarven design," Fraeya commented. "Only they could do something like this."
"I'm not sure," Raegel said. "This is not a design I have seen from dwarves."
Fraeya understood what her father meant. Dwarven doors into the mountains took a lot of work to find. While there were many designs of such hidden doors and the means to open them, it was doubtful that anyone had ever seen a secret magical door like this before.
Raegel started to walk into the chamber but was suddenly stopped by Henness. Stating that he wanted his men to go first to ensure no trap, three legionaries moved through the large chamber. Once they gave the clear, the rest of the group entered.
While walking, Fraeya stayed close to her father as she took notes. The soldiers ahead of them set up torches to add more light. To her surprise, the walls and floor were smooth. The air was stale, probably trapped within this chamber for centuries.
As they walked inside, the room lit up. Everyone stopped as they looked toward the end of the hall. The chamber was empty, with only a strange-looking platform at the very end. Noticing that the orb was pointing toward the platform, they approached it.
"Is this it?" Henness asked. "It does not look that impressive."
"Not everything is based on size, centurion," Raegel replied, to which his daughter giggled.
Fraeya then analyzed the platform. It was smooth, almost marble-like. However, she doubted whether it was marble. The fundamental details that she noticed were a strange-looking blue crystal at the center of the platform and another in a hole on the side.
"This is interesting," Fraeya commented. The design looked surprisingly simple. This orb must act as some command orb for this device. They must be communicating in some manner."
"Assuming that the legend was true, the orcs were the ones who summoned the lats from Altaerrie," Fraeya said. "Maybe, when this place was lost of that time, it was never turned off. Being left in a state of slumber, waiting to be reawakened."
"Possible. It would explain why the orb directed us here. The orange pulse is now pointing down at a rapid pace."
"I think it goes into that hole, father," Fraeya said. "From what I can tell, the crystal in there connects to the one on top of the platform."
"I see," Raegel said. "The pulse is pointing toward it too. I recommend that everyone step back."
"Be careful, father," Fraeya said.
Stepping back from the platform, Fraeya watched as her father placed the orb into the hole. This was the moment her father had been talking about for decades, and it had finally come true. The Bridge between two worlds had finally been discovered.
As Raegel placed the orb into the platform, it glowed orange in a solid state, no longer pulsing. The blue crystal in the middle of the platform slowly lit up, like it was waking up after a long sleep.
The air suddenly chilled as the air flowed toward the platform. A bright light beamed out of the crystal and slowly faded away, leaving a light as if on standby.
To their dismay, the orb changed to red, dimming and brightening in a slow, tired pattern.
"What is it doing, father?" Fraeya asked.
"I have no idea," Raegel replied. "It must be waiting for something."
submitted by PWOFalcon to HFY [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 23:21 Maddihtml BP2 and Benzodiazepines for anxiety w/ Dysregulated nervous system?

Hi all,
I hope this is the correct post for this.
TLDR: What kinds of medications have you personally tried that have WORKED/helped your anxiety to the point where you can live comfortably? Should I try Benzodiazepines? I'm just so lost and at my wits end with myself, and I just need some help.
My name is Maddi, I am 26 and I have bipolar 2, major depressive disorder, and severe anxiety. My bipolar and depression are being managed by medication I am already on (Lamictal 200mg, Abilify 15mg, Seroquel 100mg x2 daily, and Seroquel ER 200mg once daily for insomnia) (Seems like a lot to me, to be honest) However, my anxiety has been SEVERE and has caused me to quit jobs because I was so physically sick I would be sent down into a huge panic attack, sobbing, cant breathe, inconsolable, just a mess, and it would make me vomit and retch for hours on end, no matter how comfortable at my job I am, I still get very severe anxiety, I would take a Zofran or ondansetron for it, but it would still persist. I have been prescribed every SSRI, SSNRI, and anti-anxiety medication, (when I say every, I mean I could literally make you a laundry list of all the medications I have been on since the age of 15, but its so long, lets not) Its easily over 15 different kinds. We have also tried Clonazepam with NO EFFECT whatsoever. We've tried upping it, nothing works, if anything it heightened my anxiety and energy. I do smoke THC in hopes that it helps my anxiety, and it does lower it a SLIGHT BIT, but I still get physically ill and cannot do that at work obviously. But, alas, nothing has really worked to manage the anxiety. I'm not asking for something that will completely take it away, but I need something that will make it more manageable, my Dr. says I have a dysregulated nervous system, so things don't always work how they are intend to. What my doctor is worried about, and what I am kind of worried about, is the tolerance build up, and addiction runs in my family. I am very self aware, and understand those types of pills can lead down that road, but I am smarter than that, To add, I am in therapy, and go every 2 weeks for an hour long session, I do have coping skills I am implementing, but when you get to the point where your physically sick and inconsolable, it's really difficult to implement those things, and they don't work, it's just the anxiety ruling my life. My therapist thinks I should reschedule to see my Dr. sooner so we can discuss, but I was just wondering what y'alls experience has been and some advice.
Should I try benzodiazepines? Would it be worth looking into?
Thank you all in advance <3
submitted by Maddihtml to bipolar2 [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 23:05 Bonzos-number-1-fan Putting the CAT# Back in the Bag: The Flaws With Person/Place/Object

Hi, I’m bonzos-number-1-fan You might know me from such theories as; "Theory of Fears; or, Zur Furchtlehre", "What R# Means: The ABCs of Fear" or, "Padlocks, How Do They Even Work?".
I’m back with another essay about this show. Today’s subject is a little different from previous ones. Rather than explaining what I think something in this show is, I’ll be explaining what I think it isn’t. What I’m going to be talking about is the very popular theory that CAT1/2/3 means the supernatural aspect is a Person/Place/Object.
Because I’m talking about other people’s ideas here I do want to start off by saying I understand why this theory is attractive and I don’t think anyone is stupid or anything for believing it. I just personally think there are angles from which it doesn’t work and that the sum of them makes it fairly certain to be untrue. I could be very wrong about that, and my other theories, or I could be very right. I don’t think either scenario matters much. This essay isn’t about being right but about talking about a big thing in the community. I just happen to not believe this one and people have signalled interest in hearing why.
So with all that out of the way I’m going to start by establishing the terminology being used. Then I’ll break down what this theory is positing and follow it up with the ways I think it does and doesn’t work. That’s basically it but with 16 episodes and supplemental material to cover it’s still not going to be terribly short.
Huge thanks to @brettanomycroft for proof reading/editing this madness.

Spoilers for The Magnus Protocol up to and including episode 16.

 

What is a CAT#?

A CAT# is the first 4-5 characters of an OIAR's incident report header. While these are not often referenced in the main body of the show, each incident we hear is accompanied by one in the show's description and transcript. As an example this is the case number for the first incident of episode 1.
CAT1RBC5257-12052022-09012024

Reanimation (Partial) -/- Regret [Email]
The first line is the case number. CAT1 is this incident's CAT#. The RBC (R#/Rank) and 5257 (DPHW) have been topics I've discussed in essays I linked at the start. The second line is the header and is formatted “Section (Subsection) -/- Crosslink [Format]”. CAT#s is all we're concerning ourselves with today but I will be using this terminology going forward.
Now we know what they look like, what is it we know about them? Well, not much at all. From the show itself we know there are CAT1s, CAT2s, CAT3s and CAT23s. From the Klaus excel sheet that was found as part of the ARG (and can be found here) we also know there are CAT12s and CAT13s. With that information we can say with some certainty that CAT1, CAT2, and CAT3 are non-mutually exclusive groupings. It's very likely not a linear scale of some description—i.e CAT23 isn't between CAT2 and CAT3—because CAT13 doesn't fit such a scale. Which means that where there are two numbers in a CAT# that incident likely fits both groups rather than being a new group. This also strongly implies that an incident could be CAT123 although we have yet to see that demonstrated.
We also know that CAT is short for "Category". In the Klaus sheet these numbers are located in the "Kategorie" column. "Kategorie" being German for "category". This unfortunately doesn't tell us anything we didn't already know. CAT#s denote some form of grouping.
There is only one other fact we know about CAT#s and that's this:
ALICE
Right, so, after each entry there's four numbers. That’s the DPHW. So, “dolls comma watching” is… 1157. Then you cross reference with the table here, that would be a 2-C, and then you type that into the box here, along with date of incident if there is one and today’s date.
Which is not a lot to go on at all but it does raise an important question. How is a CAT# assigned? There are two major assumptions you could make here. The first is the “objective method” and that it’s a factor of either the section, subject, DPHW or a combination thereof. This means that they are pre-assigned in the same way that DPHWs are. This method has an inherent trait in that it means every header manifests as the same sort of thing. While it’s not a problem to say that every Doll (Watching) is the same— that could just be the rules of the setting—it does make CAT# itself somewhat redundant. The terminology of the headers will often describe something inherent about the CAT#. We have a CAT3 case that’s Dice (Bone) -/- Fate but dice are objects so why would you need to restate that?
The second is the “subjective method” in which the assessor chooses the CAT# based on the incident itself. The subjective method has a larger assumption built into it in that they know what CAT#s are. They don’t know what DPHW is and have shown no indication of knowing what CAT# is either. So I’d say it’s less likely that CAT#s are subjective rather than objective. However, for the purposes of this essay I will assume that both are as likely to be true as each other and will refer to them both. Different cases show different flaws when one of these is true over the other, so both will get discussed.
 

What is Person/Place/Object?

Person/Place/Object is the theory that the three single digit CAT#s stand for Person, Place, and Object respectively. Combinations of these digits represent that an incident falls into each category. A CAT1 incident indicates that the supernatural element of an incident is a person in some respect, while a CAT23 would indicate both a place and an object.
As I have mentioned this isn’t a theory with a single theorist or origin to point to. As such this theory isn’t a monolith and there is variation in how these categories are presented from theory to theory. Sometimes “Person” is literal and other times it includes any sentient thing, “places” aren’t always strictly physical locations, and the narrative framing of what “objects” are may shift. As such I will be taking the broadest interpretation of these categories as their definitions.
People will include animals and other sentient beings. Places will include metaphysical locations. Objects won’t need to be physical in nature. This is both the fairest I can be to all theories and also the strongest I can make this theory. The broader I can make these definitions, the more different ideas can be represented and the more wiggle room the CAT#s get.
What I’ll do next is run through all the incidents the show has mentioned and explain them as I see it. We’ll start with the ones that fit this theory well because they require little explanation. Then when that’s established we’ll talk about the places I think this theory falls down.
 

Which Incidents fit well?

CAT1:

CAT1RBC5257 Reanimation (Partial) -/- Regret: There is something like a zombie in this incident. That’s something like a person and so fits well.
CAT1RB4824 Injury (Needles) -/- Intimidation: Needles is definitely a person, no question there.
CAT1RB2275 Mascot (Kids) -/- Murder: Bonzo walks, “talks”, and probably thinks. He’s a person.
CAT1B4728 Mascot (Kids) -/- Frenzy: Bonzo is still doing that stuff so is still a person.
CAT1RB4426 Transformation (Snake) -/-Horde: There was a person and they turned into snakes. Snakes count as people here too. Given the amount of snakes this is the most CAT1 CAT1.
CAT1RB-6451 Hunt (Aristocratic) -/- Compulsion: Lady M is the most person on this list.
CAT1RB1565 Tattoo (Influencer) -/- Cardiac: Definitely involves a person doing something supernatural.
 

CAT2:

CAT2C8175 Infection (Full Body) -/- Arboreal: This incident takes place in a time and space bending garden. Makes perfect sense for CAT2.
CAT2RB2377 Disappearance (Undetermined) -/- Invitation: A spooky theatre is a location for sure.
 

CAT3:

CAT3RBC1567 Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic: In this instance the object in question is the tattoo. Which I think is really stretching the definition of “object” but I’m still going to give it to the theory.
CAT3C7494 Collection (Blood) -/- Musical: A magical violin is definitely an object.
CAT3RB3354 Dice (Bone) -/- Fate: Bone dice are inarguably objects.
CAT3RB4622 Gambling (Application) -/- Murder: It’s another stretch to call an app an object but, again, happy to give it to the theory.
 

CAT23:

CAT23RAB2155 Transformation (Eyes) -/- Trespass: In this incident’s case the location is the Magnus Institute and the object is the box RedCanary stole. I think there are some problems with this one but there is enough to get through.
 

Which Incidents Don't?

CAT1:

CAT1RBC5257 Reanimation (Partial) -/- Regret: You’re not misremembering, I did say this fit well. Because on the surface it really does make sense, but I think if you push just a little it makes very little sense. Why? Because any category you want to place this in is easily justified in the incident itself. There is a zombie-esque thing but also a Frankenstein-esque figure for CAT1. CAT 2 would be the location of the graveyard itself. It was chosen by the presumed creator of this zombie-like creature and is depicted similar to the one in Marked, a CAT23 incident. If this theory is correct and the Marked graveyard is supernatural I can’t see a reason to discount that possibility here. CAT3 fits too because the presumed creation method is that they were Frankenstein-ed which does require some sort of surgical apparatus. But whichever choice you make you’ve not really clarified the incident at all.
This issue is further seen in the methodology of assigning CAT#s.Objectively it has the same problem all objective assignments do. Reanimation implies there is going to be a reanimated person so restating that doesn’t add much. If we look at the subjective method then this is chosen largely at random. There isn’t enough of an indication in this incident to clearly state which CAT this is. So it’s neither helped in the assessment of the incident and doesn’t provide anything for response because all choices are justifiable.
 
CAT1RB4426 Transformation (Snake) -/- Horde: Not misremembering here either. There is a problem with this one in that it’s demonstrated to be an infection. This makes the source of the affliction basically unknowable. The source could qualify it for other CATs but the larger issue here is that what CAT1 means here and what it means elsewhere are not that comparable. Needles, Bonzo, and Lady M are all sentient and independent. The afflicted we see in this case are normal people until they get very rapidly sick, summon a portal to the snake dimension in their throats, and die. Which leaves CAT1 translating to “something in the rough shape of a person” which is a really wide range of interpretations. Which is something I feel has little practical utility in either assessing or responding to these incidents.
 
CAT1RB1565 Tattoo (Influencer) -/- Cardiac: Still not misremembering. While you can say that Ink5oul or Madame E are the person in this instance there is a major conflict here with CAT3RBC1567 Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic. If Daria’s transformation was CAT3 because tattoos are objects then there is no reasonable justification that this isn’t at least CAT13. It’s the same person, doing the same thing, to a very similar result but in a different CAT. The headers are entirely different, and so this/that may be misfiled, but it highlights a problem with Daria’s incident. If the incident with the Tattoo header isn’t an object then tattoos are probably not objects under this scheme.
If this is objective then this is always a person, or on people, which makes a great deal of sense. However if that’s the case then the objective method for Daria’s case sort of falls apart because there wasn’t really a secondary object there. Additionally, because all incidents with that case’s header being objects is a huge stretch. So if this incident, or that incident, is misfiled it doesn’t really matter. In either case (or even if both of them are misfiled), it largely disproves that tattoos are objects, creating a larger issue with that theory as it affects more than just this case. Subjectively as far as we’re aware Sam filed all three of the Ink5oul incidents. So he chose an object in Daria’s case but then opted against it here despite there being no real reason to that we can see. You could say that now Ink5oul has been in it more, he thinks Ink5oul has some sort of supernatural power themselves which makes them a CAT1; that would still make this CAT13 as episode 11 was CAT23.
 

CAT2:

CAT2RC1157 Dolls (Watching): This is a big one in my opinion. It’s not only the first incident we’re told about, but it's both Sam’s and our first exposure to an explanation of the OIAR’s filing system. It’s also one I see ignored in most of the posts that posit the Person/Place/Object theory. That is understandable as we don’t hear the incident itself but we do hear enough of it to show that there is a flaw in the theory.
What we hear about this incident is entirely focused on the doll itself and questions about its nature. It’s a split between Dolls (Watching) and Dolls (Human Skin) with the former being chosen as the latter is only implied. Dolls themselves are objects which would make this CAT3, and if the doll is sentient a CAT1. However, this is placed in CAT2 indicating that it's actually caused by the location in some respect. In order for that to make sense you have to make 3 major assumptions. Assumption 1: despite no indication in the conversation about this incident suggesting anything outside of the doll being strange there was actually a “haunted house”. Assumption 2: despite there being sections far more descriptive of locations—i.e Architecture—Dolls is more suited to this incident. Assumption 3: despite this being Sam’s/the audience’s first exposure to this system it leaves out the real source of the incident when, narratively, this is an explanation of it. Those are some fairly major assumptions to make to justify a theory.
This also has issues with either method of assigning CAT#s. If CAT# is objective then every Dolls (Watching) is actually a location. Unlike with something like Reanimation (Partial) that doesn't make much sense as dolls themselves are objects. In the subjective method, Alice assigned this as a location but their discussion of it centred solely on an object and she didn't explain to Sam why she did it.
 
CAT2RC3338 Agglomeration (Miscellany) -/- Congregation: This might be my favourite example of issues I have with this theory. To explain it we’ll look at this from both the objective and subjective methods while taking into account outside knowledge of the show from an audience perspective.
Everyone I’ve seen posit this theory attributes CAT2 to Hilltop here.They do this solely because of TMA. There is nothing in this episode that makes Hilltop out to be anything special in any way. But because Hilltop is special in TMA the audience is primed to view this location as special. It may very well be but there is no reason to think that. In fact, I’d argue there's reason to think otherwise based on this episode, but that is a little off topic for this essay. However from an objective perspective it can’t take Hilltop into account because not every header of this sort will take place in Hilltop. They could only manifest at special locations but that seems like a stretch. If it is true, why does this unique combination of words not include a word that describes it as a location? Subjectively it could be a misfile. Celia would be the only person who knows what Hilltop is in TMA— assuming some of the theories on her are correct—but that doesn’t make Hilltop important in and of itself. It also means she ignored large parts of this incident when filing it just to focus on that element. As this case is the one Alice uses to teach Celia the system with, then this also relies on Alice knowing or not correcting Celia. In either scenario this case is full of people of definite supernatural quality, lacks a location of supernatural quality, but has 100s of objects of dubious supernatural quality. Something doesn’t make sense here if this theory is correct.
 
CAT2RBC3366 Architecture (Liminal) -/- Hunger: This one is interesting because it shows a flaw not in the theory per se but in the methodology as a whole if the theory is correct. If CAT# is what the theory says it is why is this just CAT2? It being CAT2 at all is redundant when its header describes a location but in this incident we see it’s populated by supernatural creatures. I call them Uncannybals—as should you—and they’re monsters living in the shadow realm. That seems like very important information to include. So it should be CAT12 as there are both people and a place. The OIAR methodology already has the problem that you can’t include multiple headers but CAT#s, if they worked like this, could be used to alleviate that issue. The way it’s implemented here just makes it virtually pointless to include at all.
 

CAT3:

CAT3RBC1567 Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic: This was largely already covered. So simply put if Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic is an object because of the tattoo, and Tattoo (Corpse) -/- Compulsion is an object because of the tattoo, but Tattoo (Influencer) -/- Cardiac isn’t an object despite being virtually identical to this case then CAT3 doesn't mean object.
The method problems are the same as above too. Now this case is the one most likely of the three to be misfiled. So you could say that Daria's case is misfiled and would actually be CAT1 if filed correctly. Tattoos aren’t objects, this case is a mistake. Then you could explain that Marked is CAT23 because corpses are objects (so 13 if he was alive). Objectively this header always being CAT3 still poses problems because we know there are Transformations that don’t require objects. Which brings us back to the problem of “why are the headers so bad at describing these things?”. If it’s subjective Sam decided that object instead of person made more sense here. Seemingly based on the fact that there is a tattoo. Later on he changed his mind about this but choosing it in the first place seems like a stretch. If he knew what these things meant in order to choose them, object seems like a very unobvious choice.
 

CAT23:

CAT23RC5246 Tattoo (Corpse) -/- Compulsion: This one is fairly clear to me. I’m going to be very generous and suggest that the corpse here is the object based on the above. The reason this one is a problem is that there wasn’t a location here. I’ve seen people say that it must be the graveyard but that’s confirmation bias IMO. It wasn’t a large feature of the episode, didn’t do anything coastal graveyards don’t do, and had no overt supernatural properties to it. I don’t personally think anyone would categorise this as CAT23 based on the incident alone but because CAT23 people will justify it to fit. That’s not inherently a problem because sometimes you have to make assumptions but given all of the above I don’t think that assumption is a reasonable one to make.
Objectively all compelling corpse tattoos are found in magical graveyards—or morgues, tombs, goth bars, and other corpse hangouts—and I think we can all agree that’s sort of wack. Subjectively Sam decided the graveyard was magic despite there being nothing to suggest that.
 

Klaus’ CAT#s:

This is a bit of a special section. I briefly mention Klaus in the intro but I didn’t mention that some of the incidents we’ve heard have been found on the Klaus sheet. The canonicity of these aren’t 100% and I would say the show takes precedent so this is supplemental rather than definitive. I think I’ve more than shown that this theory doesn’t hold up. This is more of an academic exercise.
The big thing to know here is that Kluas’ cases lack headers entirely but that some Klaus cases have notes and it’s these notes attached. It’s only one’s with those notes I’m interested in for this because of how they relate to things we’ve heard. One case is CAT3RBC1567 with the note “tinte”. CAT3RBC1567 is Daria’s case and “tinte” is German for “ink”. So this is very likely that case. There are 4 other cases with that note and they’re two CAT1s, a CAT3, and a CAT13. So even if Daria’s case is misfiled not all of those are the correct CAT# for that assumption. There are also two CAT1s and a CAT2 marked “Herr B”, which is “Mr B” in English. These aren’t tied to a Bonzo case we’ve heard yet but one of them does take place in Bland Theme Park, Somerset. That’s not definitively Bonzo but it’s a good hint at it.
Additionally there are 6 CAT2 cases that have the note “Katzen LOL” or “Cats LOL” which you’d expect to be CAT1s if there are cats involved. In a similar vein there are one CAT1 and five CAT2s marked “Kreigsvolk” which is literally “War People” but more likely “Army” or “Soldiers”. Again, you’d expect more CAT1s if CAT1 is people.
I’m not saying any of the above is the backbone of my reasoning here but these are things that are showing up in the show and they do seem to be pointing the same direction as what I’m saying. Ignoring them entirely I think the theory doesn’t hold up but with them I think it’s very clear.
 

Conclusion

I don’t have much of a wrap up here. Anyone who’s been reading my posts for a while has known that I’ve never thought this theory worked. It’s not something I ever get too deep into because I’m also obviously happy for people to have ideas I disagree with, as am I happy for them to disagree with my ideas. That’s just healthy theorising. I’d been considering writing this for a while though but was mostly held back by not wanting to come across as some sort of arbiter of what is and isn’t correct, and didn’t want to seem like I was calling anyone out specifically. However a few people now said they wanted to see this and there are enough instances of parallel thought on this theory that it’s impossible for me to really single people out now. So here we are.
Just to reiterate for people that did/do believe this theory I don’t think anyone was stupid and/or wrong for thinking it. I hope if the above has convinced you that I’m right about it that you’re not dissuaded from making and sharing future theories. I’ve have 3 or 4 terrible CAT# theories and a few R# theories too. My current ideas on DPHW and R# might be awfully wrong in the long run and that’ll be okay.
That’s me anyway, hope this was at the very least an interesting read if it didn’t manage to be a convincing one. Bonzo! Bonzo!! Bonzo!!!
submitted by Bonzos-number-1-fan to themagnusprotocol [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 23:05 Bonzos-number-1-fan Putting the CAT# Back in the Bag: The Flaws With Person/Place/Object

Hi, I’m bonzos-number-1-fan You might know me from such theories as; "Theory of Fears; or, Zur Furchtlehre", "What R# Means: The ABCs of Fear" or, "Padlocks, How Do They Even Work?".
I’m back with another essay about this show. Today’s subject is a little different from previous ones. Rather than explaining what I think something in this show is, I’ll be explaining what I think it isn’t. What I’m going to be talking about is the very popular theory that CAT1/2/3 means the supernatural aspect is a Person/Place/Object.
Because I’m talking about other people’s ideas here I do want to start off by saying I understand why this theory is attractive and I don’t think anyone is stupid or anything for believing it. I just personally think there are angles from which it doesn’t work and that the sum of them makes it fairly certain to be untrue. I could be very wrong about that, and my other theories, or I could be very right. I don’t think either scenario matters much. This essay isn’t about being right but about talking about a big thing in the community. I just happen to not believe this one and people have signalled interest in hearing why.
So with all that out of the way I’m going to start by establishing the terminology being used. Then I’ll break down what this theory is positing and follow it up with the ways I think it does and doesn’t work. That’s basically it but with 16 episodes and supplemental material to cover it’s still not going to be terribly short.
Huge thanks to @brettanomycroft for proof reading/editing this madness.

Spoilers for The Magnus Protocol up to and including episode 16.

 

What is a CAT#?

A CAT# is the first 4-5 characters of an OIAR's incident report header. While these are not often referenced in the main body of the show, each incident we hear is accompanied by one in the show's description and transcript. As an example this is the case number for the first incident of episode 1.
CAT1RBC5257-12052022-09012024

Reanimation (Partial) -/- Regret [Email]
The first line is the case number. CAT1 is this incident's CAT#. The RBC (R#/Rank) and 5257 (DPHW) have been topics I've discussed in essays I linked at the start. The second line is the header and is formatted “Section (Subsection) -/- Crosslink [Format]”. CAT#s is all we're concerning ourselves with today but I will be using this terminology going forward.
Now we know what they look like, what is it we know about them? Well, not much at all. From the show itself we know there are CAT1s, CAT2s, CAT3s and CAT23s. From the Klaus excel sheet that was found as part of the ARG (and can be found here) we also know there are CAT12s and CAT13s. With that information we can say with some certainty that CAT1, CAT2, and CAT3 are non-mutually exclusive groupings. It's very likely not a linear scale of some description—i.e CAT23 isn't between CAT2 and CAT3—because CAT13 doesn't fit such a scale. Which means that where there are two numbers in a CAT# that incident likely fits both groups rather than being a new group. This also strongly implies that an incident could be CAT123 although we have yet to see that demonstrated.
We also know that CAT is short for "Category". In the Klaus sheet these numbers are located in the "Kategorie" column. "Kategorie" being German for "category". This unfortunately doesn't tell us anything we didn't already know. CAT#s denote some form of grouping.
There is only one other fact we know about CAT#s and that's this:
ALICE
Right, so, after each entry there's four numbers. That’s the DPHW. So, “dolls comma watching” is… 1157. Then you cross reference with the table here, that would be a 2-C, and then you type that into the box here, along with date of incident if there is one and today’s date.
Which is not a lot to go on at all but it does raise an important question. How is a CAT# assigned? There are two major assumptions you could make here. The first is the “objective method” and that it’s a factor of either the section, subject, DPHW or a combination thereof. This means that they are pre-assigned in the same way that DPHWs are. This method has an inherent trait in that it means every header manifests as the same sort of thing. While it’s not a problem to say that every Doll (Watching) is the same— that could just be the rules of the setting—it does make CAT# itself somewhat redundant. The terminology of the headers will often describe something inherent about the CAT#. We have a CAT3 case that’s Dice (Bone) -/- Fate but dice are objects so why would you need to restate that?
The second is the “subjective method” in which the assessor chooses the CAT# based on the incident itself. The subjective method has a larger assumption built into it in that they know what CAT#s are. They don’t know what DPHW is and have shown no indication of knowing what CAT# is either. So I’d say it’s less likely that CAT#s are subjective rather than objective. However, for the purposes of this essay I will assume that both are as likely to be true as each other and will refer to them both. Different cases show different flaws when one of these is true over the other, so both will get discussed.
 

What is Person/Place/Object?

Person/Place/Object is the theory that the three single digit CAT#s stand for Person, Place, and Object respectively. Combinations of these digits represent that an incident falls into each category. A CAT1 incident indicates that the supernatural element of an incident is a person in some respect, while a CAT23 would indicate both a place and an object.
As I have mentioned this isn’t a theory with a single theorist or origin to point to. As such this theory isn’t a monolith and there is variation in how these categories are presented from theory to theory. Sometimes “Person” is literal and other times it includes any sentient thing, “places” aren’t always strictly physical locations, and the narrative framing of what “objects” are may shift. As such I will be taking the broadest interpretation of these categories as their definitions.
People will include animals and other sentient beings. Places will include metaphysical locations. Objects won’t need to be physical in nature. This is both the fairest I can be to all theories and also the strongest I can make this theory. The broader I can make these definitions, the more different ideas can be represented and the more wiggle room the CAT#s get.
What I’ll do next is run through all the incidents the show has mentioned and explain them as I see it. We’ll start with the ones that fit this theory well because they require little explanation. Then when that’s established we’ll talk about the places I think this theory falls down.
 

Which Incidents fit well?

CAT1:

CAT1RBC5257 Reanimation (Partial) -/- Regret: There is something like a zombie in this incident. That’s something like a person and so fits well.
CAT1RB4824 Injury (Needles) -/- Intimidation: Needles is definitely a person, no question there.
CAT1RB2275 Mascot (Kids) -/- Murder: Bonzo walks, “talks”, and probably thinks. He’s a person.
CAT1B4728 Mascot (Kids) -/- Frenzy: Bonzo is still doing that stuff so is still a person.
CAT1RB4426 Transformation (Snake) -/-Horde: There was a person and they turned into snakes. Snakes count as people here too. Given the amount of snakes this is the most CAT1 CAT1.
CAT1RB-6451 Hunt (Aristocratic) -/- Compulsion: Lady M is the most person on this list.
CAT1RB1565 Tattoo (Influencer) -/- Cardiac: Definitely involves a person doing something supernatural.
 

CAT2:

CAT2C8175 Infection (Full Body) -/- Arboreal: This incident takes place in a time and space bending garden. Makes perfect sense for CAT2.
CAT2RB2377 Disappearance (Undetermined) -/- Invitation: A spooky theatre is a location for sure.
 

CAT3:

CAT3RBC1567 Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic: In this instance the object in question is the tattoo. Which I think is really stretching the definition of “object” but I’m still going to give it to the theory.
CAT3C7494 Collection (Blood) -/- Musical: A magical violin is definitely an object.
CAT3RB3354 Dice (Bone) -/- Fate: Bone dice are inarguably objects.
CAT3RB4622 Gambling (Application) -/- Murder: It’s another stretch to call an app an object but, again, happy to give it to the theory.
 

CAT23:

CAT23RAB2155 Transformation (Eyes) -/- Trespass: In this incident’s case the location is the Magnus Institute and the object is the box RedCanary stole. I think there are some problems with this one but there is enough to get through.
 

Which Incidents Don't?

CAT1:

CAT1RBC5257 Reanimation (Partial) -/- Regret: You’re not misremembering, I did say this fit well. Because on the surface it really does make sense, but I think if you push just a little it makes very little sense. Why? Because any category you want to place this in is easily justified in the incident itself. There is a zombie-esque thing but also a Frankenstein-esque figure for CAT1. CAT 2 would be the location of the graveyard itself. It was chosen by the presumed creator of this zombie-like creature and is depicted similar to the one in Marked, a CAT23 incident. If this theory is correct and the Marked graveyard is supernatural I can’t see a reason to discount that possibility here. CAT3 fits too because the presumed creation method is that they were Frankenstein-ed which does require some sort of surgical apparatus. But whichever choice you make you’ve not really clarified the incident at all.
This issue is further seen in the methodology of assigning CAT#s.Objectively it has the same problem all objective assignments do. Reanimation implies there is going to be a reanimated person so restating that doesn’t add much. If we look at the subjective method then this is chosen largely at random. There isn’t enough of an indication in this incident to clearly state which CAT this is. So it’s neither helped in the assessment of the incident and doesn’t provide anything for response because all choices are justifiable.
 
CAT1RB4426 Transformation (Snake) -/- Horde: Not misremembering here either. There is a problem with this one in that it’s demonstrated to be an infection. This makes the source of the affliction basically unknowable. The source could qualify it for other CATs but the larger issue here is that what CAT1 means here and what it means elsewhere are not that comparable. Needles, Bonzo, and Lady M are all sentient and independent. The afflicted we see in this case are normal people until they get very rapidly sick, summon a portal to the snake dimension in their throats, and die. Which leaves CAT1 translating to “something in the rough shape of a person” which is a really wide range of interpretations. Which is something I feel has little practical utility in either assessing or responding to these incidents.
 
CAT1RB1565 Tattoo (Influencer) -/- Cardiac: Still not misremembering. While you can say that Ink5oul or Madame E are the person in this instance there is a major conflict here with CAT3RBC1567 Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic. If Daria’s transformation was CAT3 because tattoos are objects then there is no reasonable justification that this isn’t at least CAT13. It’s the same person, doing the same thing, to a very similar result but in a different CAT. The headers are entirely different, and so this/that may be misfiled, but it highlights a problem with Daria’s incident. If the incident with the Tattoo header isn’t an object then tattoos are probably not objects under this scheme.
If this is objective then this is always a person, or on people, which makes a great deal of sense. However if that’s the case then the objective method for Daria’s case sort of falls apart because there wasn’t really a secondary object there. Additionally, because all incidents with that case’s header being objects is a huge stretch. So if this incident, or that incident, is misfiled it doesn’t really matter. In either case (or even if both of them are misfiled), it largely disproves that tattoos are objects, creating a larger issue with that theory as it affects more than just this case. Subjectively as far as we’re aware Sam filed all three of the Ink5oul incidents. So he chose an object in Daria’s case but then opted against it here despite there being no real reason to that we can see. You could say that now Ink5oul has been in it more, he thinks Ink5oul has some sort of supernatural power themselves which makes them a CAT1; that would still make this CAT13 as episode 11 was CAT23.
 

CAT2:

CAT2RC1157 Dolls (Watching): This is a big one in my opinion. It’s not only the first incident we’re told about, but it's both Sam’s and our first exposure to an explanation of the OIAR’s filing system. It’s also one I see ignored in most of the posts that posit the Person/Place/Object theory. That is understandable as we don’t hear the incident itself but we do hear enough of it to show that there is a flaw in the theory.
What we hear about this incident is entirely focused on the doll itself and questions about its nature. It’s a split between Dolls (Watching) and Dolls (Human Skin) with the former being chosen as the latter is only implied. Dolls themselves are objects which would make this CAT3, and if the doll is sentient a CAT1. However, this is placed in CAT2 indicating that it's actually caused by the location in some respect. In order for that to make sense you have to make 3 major assumptions. Assumption 1: despite no indication in the conversation about this incident suggesting anything outside of the doll being strange there was actually a “haunted house”. Assumption 2: despite there being sections far more descriptive of locations—i.e Architecture—Dolls is more suited to this incident. Assumption 3: despite this being Sam’s/the audience’s first exposure to this system it leaves out the real source of the incident when, narratively, this is an explanation of it. Those are some fairly major assumptions to make to justify a theory.
This also has issues with either method of assigning CAT#s. If CAT# is objective then every Dolls (Watching) is actually a location. Unlike with something like Reanimation (Partial) that doesn't make much sense as dolls themselves are objects. In the subjective method, Alice assigned this as a location but their discussion of it centred solely on an object and she didn't explain to Sam why she did it.
 
CAT2RC3338 Agglomeration (Miscellany) -/- Congregation: This might be my favourite example of issues I have with this theory. To explain it we’ll look at this from both the objective and subjective methods while taking into account outside knowledge of the show from an audience perspective.
Everyone I’ve seen posit this theory attributes CAT2 to Hilltop here.They do this solely because of TMA. There is nothing in this episode that makes Hilltop out to be anything special in any way. But because Hilltop is special in TMA the audience is primed to view this location as special. It may very well be but there is no reason to think that. In fact, I’d argue there's reason to think otherwise based on this episode, but that is a little off topic for this essay. However from an objective perspective it can’t take Hilltop into account because not every header of this sort will take place in Hilltop. They could only manifest at special locations but that seems like a stretch. If it is true, why does this unique combination of words not include a word that describes it as a location? Subjectively it could be a misfile. Celia would be the only person who knows what Hilltop is in TMA— assuming some of the theories on her are correct—but that doesn’t make Hilltop important in and of itself. It also means she ignored large parts of this incident when filing it just to focus on that element. As this case is the one Alice uses to teach Celia the system with, then this also relies on Alice knowing or not correcting Celia. In either scenario this case is full of people of definite supernatural quality, lacks a location of supernatural quality, but has 100s of objects of dubious supernatural quality. Something doesn’t make sense here if this theory is correct.
 
CAT2RBC3366 Architecture (Liminal) -/- Hunger: This one is interesting because it shows a flaw not in the theory per se but in the methodology as a whole if the theory is correct. If CAT# is what the theory says it is why is this just CAT2? It being CAT2 at all is redundant when its header describes a location but in this incident we see it’s populated by supernatural creatures. I call them Uncannybals—as should you—and they’re monsters living in the shadow realm. That seems like very important information to include. So it should be CAT12 as there are both people and a place. The OIAR methodology already has the problem that you can’t include multiple headers but CAT#s, if they worked like this, could be used to alleviate that issue. The way it’s implemented here just makes it virtually pointless to include at all.
 

CAT3:

CAT3RBC1567 Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic: This was largely already covered. So simply put if Transformation (Full) -/- Dysmorphic is an object because of the tattoo, and Tattoo (Corpse) -/- Compulsion is an object because of the tattoo, but Tattoo (Influencer) -/- Cardiac isn’t an object despite being virtually identical to this case then CAT3 doesn't mean object.
The method problems are the same as above too. Now this case is the one most likely of the three to be misfiled. So you could say that Daria's case is misfiled and would actually be CAT1 if filed correctly. Tattoos aren’t objects, this case is a mistake. Then you could explain that Marked is CAT23 because corpses are objects (so 13 if he was alive). Objectively this header always being CAT3 still poses problems because we know there are Transformations that don’t require objects. Which brings us back to the problem of “why are the headers so bad at describing these things?”. If it’s subjective Sam decided that object instead of person made more sense here. Seemingly based on the fact that there is a tattoo. Later on he changed his mind about this but choosing it in the first place seems like a stretch. If he knew what these things meant in order to choose them, object seems like a very unobvious choice.
 

CAT23:

CAT23RC5246 Tattoo (Corpse) -/- Compulsion: This one is fairly clear to me. I’m going to be very generous and suggest that the corpse here is the object based on the above. The reason this one is a problem is that there wasn’t a location here. I’ve seen people say that it must be the graveyard but that’s confirmation bias IMO. It wasn’t a large feature of the episode, didn’t do anything coastal graveyards don’t do, and had no overt supernatural properties to it. I don’t personally think anyone would categorise this as CAT23 based on the incident alone but because CAT23 people will justify it to fit. That’s not inherently a problem because sometimes you have to make assumptions but given all of the above I don’t think that assumption is a reasonable one to make.
Objectively all compelling corpse tattoos are found in magical graveyards—or morgues, tombs, goth bars, and other corpse hangouts—and I think we can all agree that’s sort of wack. Subjectively Sam decided the graveyard was magic despite there being nothing to suggest that.
 

Klaus’ CAT#s:

This is a bit of a special section. I briefly mention Klaus in the intro but I didn’t mention that some of the incidents we’ve heard have been found on the Klaus sheet. The canonicity of these aren’t 100% and I would say the show takes precedent so this is supplemental rather than definitive. I think I’ve more than shown that this theory doesn’t hold up. This is more of an academic exercise.
The big thing to know here is that Kluas’ cases lack headers entirely but that some Klaus cases have notes and it’s these notes attached. It’s only one’s with those notes I’m interested in for this because of how they relate to things we’ve heard. One case is CAT3RBC1567 with the note “tinte”. CAT3RBC1567 is Daria’s case and “tinte” is German for “ink”. So this is very likely that case. There are 4 other cases with that note and they’re two CAT1s, a CAT3, and a CAT13. So even if Daria’s case is misfiled not all of those are the correct CAT# for that assumption. There are also two CAT1s and a CAT2 marked “Herr B”, which is “Mr B” in English. These aren’t tied to a Bonzo case we’ve heard yet but one of them does take place in Bland Theme Park, Somerset. That’s not definitively Bonzo but it’s a good hint at it.
Additionally there are 6 CAT2 cases that have the note “Katzen LOL” or “Cats LOL” which you’d expect to be CAT1s if there are cats involved. In a similar vein there are one CAT1 and five CAT2s marked “Kreigsvolk” which is literally “War People” but more likely “Army” or “Soldiers”. Again, you’d expect more CAT1s if CAT1 is people.
I’m not saying any of the above is the backbone of my reasoning here but these are things that are showing up in the show and they do seem to be pointing the same direction as what I’m saying. Ignoring them entirely I think the theory doesn’t hold up but with them I think it’s very clear.
 

Conclusion

I don’t have much of a wrap up here. Anyone who’s been reading my posts for a while has known that I’ve never thought this theory worked. It’s not something I ever get too deep into because I’m also obviously happy for people to have ideas I disagree with, as am I happy for them to disagree with my ideas. That’s just healthy theorising. I’d been considering writing this for a while though but was mostly held back by not wanting to come across as some sort of arbiter of what is and isn’t correct, and didn’t want to seem like I was calling anyone out specifically. However a few people now said they wanted to see this and there are enough instances of parallel thought on this theory that it’s impossible for me to really single people out now. So here we are.
Just to reiterate for people that did/do believe this theory I don’t think anyone was stupid and/or wrong for thinking it. I hope if the above has convinced you that I’m right about it that you’re not dissuaded from making and sharing future theories. I’ve have 3 or 4 terrible CAT# theories and a few R# theories too. My current ideas on DPHW and R# might be awfully wrong in the long run and that’ll be okay.
That’s me anyway, hope this was at the very least an interesting read if it didn’t manage to be a convincing one. Bonzo! Bonzo!! Bonzo!!!
submitted by Bonzos-number-1-fan to TheMagnusArchives [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 23:02 SultryScientist 27F with 37M This might not be fixable.

Summary of me: 27F and this is my 3rd relationship; the other two lasted a year at most, but nothing serious until now because I was very focused on school.
We’ve been together about four months now, and he’s everything I’ve dreamt of, but he can’t keep an erection. This is a problem for me because when we met, we shared a mutual interest in loving loads of sex. We’ve talked about this, and it’s not me; signs were there when he had a one-night stand between relationships, but here’s what triggered my RJ.
As someone who doesn’t masturbate or hook up (nothing against it), I’ve been dreaming of relaxation, a vacation, and earth-shattering sex. Instead, after a very stressful graduation, COVID hits, and I’ve been mourning the loss of a new family member pretty much every year. To add onto that, I work in healthcare, so my mental was at its lowest, being overworked during the pandemic; I feel like I never got to recover, and all of my vacations were canceled.
My bf tells me about how he and his ex “fkd like rabbits,” and they went on vacations everywhere I’ve dreamt of, yet here I am, still crying over losses, possibly about to lose another, and I can’t even have proper sex to relieve some stress after such a long time.
I do not blame him at ALL; I know ED can affect one’s self-esteem and mental health, and I also know there are solutions, but he hasn’t shown me he’s serious about those solutions. The vacations will come (I HOPE), and I want healthy physical intimacy between us. Still, I find myself silently balling my eyes out when we lay down after an unsuccessful attempt. At the end of a stressful work week, when I want to forget the world and fall into ecstasy, I’m reminded that I met the perfect man, yet another woman enjoyed all of these luxuries that I am not, and all I can do is cry. It makes me spiral into everything else going on (death, chronic illness) and into a depression.
I have never been jealous of another woman in my life. I can’t stop thinking about how lucky she was. It’s like a treat is being dangled in front of me
I don’t want to rush him, but I’m so scared that this will end our relationship if it’s not resolved. I don’t know how to overcome this.
submitted by SultryScientist to retroactivejealousy [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 22:59 702Johnny Quick start guide / tips for Retroarch on iOS / Ipados

(PSA) I want to start off by recommending retroarch for iPad users. Delta is a FANTASTIC app. I highly recommend it. That being said, if you want to play on an iPad in landscape mode, there is only the iOS version of Delta on iPad. The developer is working on the app for iPad, but as of writing this, retroarch scales perfectly.
(PSA) When it comes to cores. On the apple version of this app, all the cores apple has approved are already included in the app. Can’t add or remove any cores like you can on all the other platforms when running retroarch. If a core is not in retroarch on an apple platform, it is not an approved core or is limited by apple restrictions and will not play well. Apple is not allowing JIT. This is a problem for ps2, psp, and GameCube for sure.
(PRO TIP. .7z to .zip) Using the files app, you can unzip a .7z file. Just rename it to .zip and select it. The files app will unzip it. Done. No need for an unzipping app.
(REQUIRED.) Some cores will crash or not boot a rom. I have found this to be mostly related to bios files not being in the app. (To add bios files = Use the files app. Go to on my iphone. Then find the retroarch folder, and select it. Then select the subfolder that is also named retroarch. After that scroll down to the folder named system. Dump all of your bios for all systems into this folder. I would add any bios you can find for the systems you are playing. This will stop the crashing and increase compatibility with games from different regions.) , (To find what bios are missing, open the retroarch app. Go to settings, core, Manage cores, Scroll down to the core you want to use, Select the core. Then scroll down to firmware. Just below that, you will see which bios are optional. Which ones are missing and required. The (!) is just a bullet point.) If you try to load a rom and it still crashes use a different core to launch that game if it is available. It could be a compatibility issue between the core and the rom. Or it could be region locked and you still need another bios file.

1.) (REQUIRED.) If you want to save yourself some annoyances with Retroarch on iOS, then after you make a change to your settings, hit home in the navigation menu, select configuration file, then save configuration file. I choose the overwrite option, but you can choose what best fits you. We can do this on other platforms by just tapping the back button until it exits the application, but there isn’t a back button on iOS.

2.) (OPTIONAL.) I like to turn on vibration/ haptic feedback. Go to settings in the navigation menu, input and scroll down to haptic feedback. I turn both options on and leave the vibration strength at 100%.

3.) (OPTIONAL.) I like to change the user interface. You can do this in two ways. A.) Changing the theme. Go to settings, user interface, appearance, select color theme and then choose your favorite. Mine is material ui dark. A.1) If you want you can also choose another app icon. The setting is the first option under user interface. B.) I like the stock setup, but you can change the entire layout to be different. You can go to settings, drivers, and select menu. The stock option is glui. You can choose the option you like the best in this section.

4.) (OPTIONAL.) I like to change the date and time format at the top to be something I am more used to. Go to settings, user interface, menu item visibility and select “style of date and time” towards the end of the list.

5.) (REQUIRED.) GETTING GAMES IN THE APP. Then we get to importing content. In the iOS version, Retroarch wants the roms to be placed into a folder that is inside of the Retroarch app itself. What I do is take the roms I want to play on Retroarch and move them into the Retroarch app. Here is how I do that. I have a folder already on my iPhone with the roms I want to play on Retroarch. (I store my roms on device. Using the Files app, then on my iphone and save the folder on your phone first. We move it to where it needs to go in the next step.). My folder is named “Retroarch Roms”. It can be really helpful to stay organized. Especially if you also use the Delta and ppsspp apps. I use the files app to locate this folder. Then I select it and move it. Or you could copy it but be mindful of files sizes and storage space. (I put “copy it” in here for a major reason. If you store all your roms in retroarch. And one day you want to delete and reinstall the app…. Bye bye roms. My library is too big to back up to iCloud. But that might be a good option if it works. I have not tested it.). Then move or paste this folder inside of the Retroarch app folder under downloads. (Files app, on my iphone, scroll down to retroarch – select it, then select the subfolder that is also named retroarch, then scroll down to downloads, select it. Your entire folder or multiple folders can go here.) Then hit the playlist menu (middle navigation button.) and select import content. Then scan directory. Click documents/retroarch, scroll down to downloads, then select scan this directory. Then let it do its thing. I like to leave the app open and on screen so the iphone/ipad doesn’t limit background activity. After it is done you can come back to the playlist menu to look through and launch your games. After you have launched a few games, You can go to Home, history and launch your recently played games from there. There is a favorites tab in the playlist section, but I don’t use it personally.

6.) (UPDATES.) I like to make sure a few things are up to date. So, I hit the home menu at the bottom. Go to online updater. Make sure on demand thumbnails is toggled on. (This will add box art on demand as you scroll through your playlist/library.) Then just below that update core files and all the others below it. Update all of them. Then scroll back up to playlist thumbnail updater (This is how you download box art manually for each playlist/library.) and select any system libraries/playlists that are missing album art. If it is your first time, I would just select them all to make sure box art is there when you browse your library. If you want some free to use roms go to content downloader and some homebrew and other roms are in there for each system.

(PSA.2) After you are done changing any settings. Do not just close the app. Make sure you save the configuration file like I mentioned at the start of this post. If not, the settings you changed will be “forgotten” but the roms and album art should still be there. Man, I wish someone told me that before I wasted my life 3 times in a row.

7.) (PS1) Firmware for ps1. To run games correctly you will need firmware for the ps1. PSX rearmed can get you started and playing but the “beetle psx hw” core for ps1 has an upscaling capability. This will make games look tremendously better. Firmware location. After a quick search on the interwebs, you have what you need. (To find what bios are missing, open the retroarch app. Go to settings, core, Manage cores, Scroll down to the core you want to use, Select the core. Then scroll down to firmware. Just below that, you will see which bios are optional. Which ones are missing and which are required. The (!) is just a bullet point.) Use your files app. Go to on my iPhone. Find the Retroarch app folder. Click the folder in there named retroarch. Scroll down to system and dump the bios files there. I can’t say where to get them, but “psx bios” should be easy to find in an archive if you search the googles. Make sure the spelling matches specifically. You can look in settings. Scroll down to directory. And you can scroll through where the app is currently looking for bios and you can change that if you need to. You can also go to settings, select core, manage cores, then scroll to the core you are looking for, then select the core. Scroll down to firmware section and select the “looking in” option to see where it wants the bios. It will tell you if any bios are missing as well. This can apply to any core. Not just ps1 cores.

8.) (SEGA SATURN.). Make sure all the Saturn bios are in the system folder inside the Retroarch folder (Look at the other bullet points on this post to see how. Some games will not launch unless the core has the correct bios. ). Roms. After extracting a rom, it should be a folder full of bin files. Put that whole folder (For each game/rom) in a Saturn roms sub folder. (Make a new folder called “Saturn Roms”.) Using the files app, go to on my iphone, go to the retroarch folder, then the retroarch sub folder. Then scroll down and select downloads. This is where you want to store the Saturn Roms folder. When you import content into retroarch. It will scan the folders and subfolders that have all the bin files. Games will appear as one in the playlist/library.

8.) (FAST VIDEO OR AUDiO) Sync issues. I turned on audio sync and it ran sonic super fast. Other people have had the opposite problem and need to turn it on. The same goes for video sync. The fixes are different depending on the device. Go to settings, video, synchronization, and adjust. You can change the refresh rate in the settings, video, output, vertical refresh rate in this section. This should only be adjusted if you are having issues. Audio sync is under settings, audio, synchronization. It says recommended to turn on. Mine goes crazy if I toggle that on. So I leave it off.

9.) (CORE OPTIONS.) Some systems have multiple cores available. I change them out on the fly by hitting playlist in the navigation menu (Middle option.) Scrolling down to the system I want to play. Then selecting the game, I am looking for. (Do not select run yet.) Then scrolling down and selecting set core association. If you want to use the same core for an entire playlist/library. You can go to settings. Playlists, manage playlists, then select the system you want to set a core for, scroll down to default core, and you can pick the one that works best for your needs.

(DIRECT LINK.) Below is a direct link to the app on the app store for those that have trouble finding it.
https://apps.apple.com/us/app/retroarch/id6499539433

submitted by 702Johnny to emulators [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 22:58 GhelasOfAnza Indie games marketing guide — from someone who’s NOT an expert

Over the years, I’ve done a lot of different work in the games industry. I want to start this off by saying that I do NOT consider myself a marketing expert; maybe intermediate. I’m making this post to address the most common misconceptions my clients have had regarding marketing. Quite frankly, this is the biggest point of failure for indie games. Take it all with a grain of salt, share your own experiences, and please: correct me wherever you feel I may be wrong.
Marketing should start at the same time as development. You have a great idea for a game — awesome. Do you know who else is going to want to play it? Do you know how you can reach large numbers of those people? How can you make branding and messaging appealing to those people specifically? This should be day one stuff. It almost always isn’t.
Going viral on social media is an outdated concept. Social media wants you to pay for ads. That includes X, Reddit, and everything in between. Many will throttle you for unpaid self-promotion.
Don’t spend money on short-term engagements with content creators. Even if you catch them on a day when they are energized and having a blast playing, their first priority is their audience, not your sales numbers. A one-time payment will not change that.
Don’t hire unverified marketing help. Unfortunately, the indie games space is full of scams. Lots of people offering marketing help have no experience. Ask to see multiple case studies and successful campaigns.
We’ve gone over a lot of stuff that doesn’t work. Let’s cover a few things that do!
Know your ultimate goal. You should strive to create enough of a presence on multiple platforms to start getting noticed organically. Throwing a few hundred bucks at some ads isn’t going to do it. A somewhat successful post on Reddit isn’t going to do it. Align multiple marketing actions in such a way that they help amplify each other — make a new trailer, use it in your media outreach, promote it in various ways, use it to announce a demo and a contest — now we’re talking!
Optimize your Steam page. Make sure all of your art is high-quality, distinct, and gives a player an idea of what they can expect from your game (capsule art especially.) Figure out what the best tags for your game are. https://games-stats.com/steam/tags/ is a decent place to get some insights. Do this ASAP.
Create a community hub. I like to use Discord for this. All of your socials, Steam page, your game demo if you have one, and just as importantly, the game itself — everything should funnel players into one place. This will become an invaluable resource. The first committed members of your community will help provide insights into how to reach your demographic, help you find bugs and quality of life issues, and keep your team motivated. Don’t wait to do it — a year or more ahead of launch is ideal!
Reach out through content creator platforms. The ones I have personally had good results with are drope and lurkit. Your mileage may vary. If you’re lucky, you’ll find a few content creators that love your game and want to keep engaging with it.
Reach out to content creators for free promotion. This is really a numbers game — you might send out 100 emails and get 2 or 3 people who cover it. Focus on creators that absolutely love your genre, and love showcasing promising new content. Send them a free key along with a personalized message. The odds of success are honestly pretty low… Nevertheless, if a sizable YouTuber covers you and is genuinely intrigued by your game, this will be well worth your time.
Run contests, giveaways, or tournaments. Let’s face it — you have a lot of competition. If you want people to line up to try your game, a little extra incentive might help! Make sure that your prize(s) are hefty enough to overcome any barrier-to-entry. A caption contest would have a low barrier-to-entry, while a leaderboard competition would have a fairly high barrier-to-entry. Keep in mind that the likelihood of winning a prize is a barrier-to-entry factor as well. “Winner receives $100” < “10 random contestants receive $10.”
I hope someone finds this helpful. This is not a fully comprehensive guide, just an opportunity to compare notes. If you have questions about any of the things mentioned in this guide, feel free to DM me! If you have something to add or correct, please let me know in the comments.
submitted by GhelasOfAnza to indiegames [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 22:58 702Johnny Ipad Emulation - Retroarch

Quick start guide / tips for Retroarch on iOS / Ipados

(PSA) I want to start off by recommending retroarch for iPad users. Delta is a FANTASTIC app. I highly recommend it. That being said, if you want to play on an iPad in landscape mode, there is only the iOS version of Delta on iPad. The developer is working on the app for iPad, but as of writing this, retroarch scales perfectly.
(PSA) When it comes to cores. On the apple version of this app, all the cores apple has approved are already included in the app. Can’t add or remove any cores like you can on all the other platforms when running retroarch. If a core is not in retroarch on an apple platform, it is not an approved core or is limited by apple restrictions and will not play well. Apple is not allowing JIT. This is a problem for ps2, psp, and GameCube for sure.
(PRO TIP. .7z to .zip) Using the files app, you can unzip a .7z file. Just rename it to .zip and select it. The files app will unzip it. Done. No need for an unzipping app.
(REQUIRED.) Some cores will crash or not boot a rom. I have found this to be mostly related to bios files not being in the app. (To add bios files = Use the files app. Go to on my iphone. Then find the retroarch folder, and select it. Then select the subfolder that is also named retroarch. After that scroll down to the folder named system. Dump all of your bios for all systems into this folder. I would add any bios you can find for the systems you are playing. This will stop the crashing and increase compatibility with games from different regions.) , (To find what bios are missing, open the retroarch app. Go to settings, core, Manage cores, Scroll down to the core you want to use, Select the core. Then scroll down to firmware. Just below that, you will see which bios are optional. Which ones are missing and required. The (!) is just a bullet point.) If you try to load a rom and it still crashes use a different core to launch that game if it is available. It could be a compatibility issue between the core and the rom. Or it could be region locked and you still need another bios file.

1.) (REQUIRED.) If you want to save yourself some annoyances with Retroarch on iOS, then after you make a change to your settings, hit home in the navigation menu, select configuration file, then save configuration file. I choose the overwrite option, but you can choose what best fits you. We can do this on other platforms by just tapping the back button until it exits the application, but there isn’t a back button on iOS.

2.) (OPTIONAL.) I like to turn on vibration/ haptic feedback. Go to settings in the navigation menu, input and scroll down to haptic feedback. I turn both options on and leave the vibration strength at 100%.

3.) (OPTIONAL.) I like to change the user interface. You can do this in two ways. A.) Changing the theme. Go to settings, user interface, appearance, select color theme and then choose your favorite. Mine is material ui dark. A.1) If you want you can also choose another app icon. The setting is the first option under user interface. B.) I like the stock setup, but you can change the entire layout to be different. You can go to settings, drivers, and select menu. The stock option is glui. You can choose the option you like the best in this section.

4.) (OPTIONAL.) I like to change the date and time format at the top to be something I am more used to. Go to settings, user interface, menu item visibility and select “style of date and time” towards the end of the list.

5.) (REQUIRED.) GETTING GAMES IN THE APP. Then we get to importing content. In the iOS version, Retroarch wants the roms to be placed into a folder that is inside of the Retroarch app itself. What I do is take the roms I want to play on Retroarch and move them into the Retroarch app. Here is how I do that. I have a folder already on my iPhone with the roms I want to play on Retroarch. (I store my roms on device. Using the Files app, then on my iphone and save the folder on your phone first. We move it to where it needs to go in the next step.). My folder is named “Retroarch Roms”. It can be really helpful to stay organized. Especially if you also use the Delta and ppsspp apps. I use the files app to locate this folder. Then I select it and move it. Or you could copy it but be mindful of files sizes and storage space. (I put “copy it” in here for a major reason. If you store all your roms in retroarch. And one day you want to delete and reinstall the app…. Bye bye roms. My library is too big to back up to iCloud. But that might be a good option if it works. I have not tested it.). Then move or paste this folder inside of the Retroarch app folder under downloads. (Files app, on my iphone, scroll down to retroarch – select it, then select the subfolder that is also named retroarch, then scroll down to downloads, select it. Your entire folder or multiple folders can go here.) Then hit the playlist menu (middle navigation button.) and select import content. Then scan directory. Click documents/retroarch, scroll down to downloads, then select scan this directory. Then let it do its thing. I like to leave the app open and on screen so the iphone/ipad doesn’t limit background activity. After it is done you can come back to the playlist menu to look through and launch your games. After you have launched a few games, You can go to Home, history and launch your recently played games from there. There is a favorites tab in the playlist section, but I don’t use it personally.

6.) (UPDATES.) I like to make sure a few things are up to date. So, I hit the home menu at the bottom. Go to online updater. Make sure on demand thumbnails is toggled on. (This will add box art on demand as you scroll through your playlist/library.) Then just below that update core files and all the others below it. Update all of them. Then scroll back up to playlist thumbnail updater (This is how you download box art manually for each playlist/library.) and select any system libraries/playlists that are missing album art. If it is your first time, I would just select them all to make sure box art is there when you browse your library. If you want some free to use roms go to content downloader and some homebrew and other roms are in there for each system.

(PSA.2) After you are done changing any settings. Do not just close the app. Make sure you save the configuration file like I mentioned at the start of this post. If not, the settings you changed will be “forgotten” but the roms and album art should still be there. Man, I wish someone told me that before I wasted my life 3 times in a row.

7.) (PS1) Firmware for ps1. To run games correctly you will need firmware for the ps1. PSX rearmed can get you started and playing but the “beetle psx hw” core for ps1 has an upscaling capability. This will make games look tremendously better. Firmware location. After a quick search on the interwebs, you have what you need. (To find what bios are missing, open the retroarch app. Go to settings, core, Manage cores, Scroll down to the core you want to use, Select the core. Then scroll down to firmware. Just below that, you will see which bios are optional. Which ones are missing and which are required. The (!) is just a bullet point.) Use your files app. Go to on my iPhone. Find the Retroarch app folder. Click the folder in there named retroarch. Scroll down to system and dump the bios files there. I can’t say where to get them, but “psx bios” should be easy to find in an archive if you search the googles. Make sure the spelling matches specifically. You can look in settings. Scroll down to directory. And you can scroll through where the app is currently looking for bios and you can change that if you need to. You can also go to settings, select core, manage cores, then scroll to the core you are looking for, then select the core. Scroll down to firmware section and select the “looking in” option to see where it wants the bios. It will tell you if any bios are missing as well. This can apply to any core. Not just ps1 cores.

8.) (SEGA SATURN.). Make sure all the Saturn bios are in the system folder inside the Retroarch folder (Look at the other bullet points on this post to see how. Some games will not launch unless the core has the correct bios. ). Roms. After extracting a rom, it should be a folder full of bin files. Put that whole folder (For each game/rom) in a Saturn roms sub folder. (Make a new folder called “Saturn Roms”.) Using the files app, go to on my iphone, go to the retroarch folder, then the retroarch sub folder. Then scroll down and select downloads. This is where you want to store the Saturn Roms folder. When you import content into retroarch. It will scan the folders and subfolders that have all the bin files. Games will appear as one in the playlist/library.

8.) (FAST VIDEO OR AUDiO) Sync issues. I turned on audio sync and it ran sonic super fast. Other people have had the opposite problem and need to turn it on. The same goes for video sync. The fixes are different depending on the device. Go to settings, video, synchronization, and adjust. You can change the refresh rate in the settings, video, output, vertical refresh rate in this section. This should only be adjusted if you are having issues. Audio sync is under settings, audio, synchronization. It says recommended to turn on. Mine goes crazy if I toggle that on. So I leave it off.

9.) (CORE OPTIONS.) Some systems have multiple cores available. I change them out on the fly by hitting playlist in the navigation menu (Middle option.) Scrolling down to the system I want to play. Then selecting the game, I am looking for. (Do not select run yet.) Then scrolling down and selecting set core association. If you want to use the same core for an entire playlist/library. You can go to settings. Playlists, manage playlists, then select the system you want to set a core for, scroll down to default core, and you can pick the one that works best for your needs.

(DIRECT LINK.) Below is a direct link to the app on the app store for those that have trouble finding it.
https://apps.apple.com/us/app/retroarch/id6499539433
submitted by 702Johnny to iPadPro [link] [comments]


2024.05.21 22:53 702Johnny Quick start guide / tips for Retroarch on iOS / Ipados

(PSA) I want to start off by recommending retroarch for iPad users. Delta is a FANTASTIC app. I highly recommend it. That being said, if you want to play on an iPad in landscape mode, there is only the iOS version of Delta on iPad. The developer is working on the app for iPad, but as of writing this, retroarch scales perfectly.
(PSA) When it comes to cores. On the apple version of this app, all the cores apple has approved are already included in the app. Can’t add or remove any cores like you can on all the other platforms when running retroarch. If a core is not in retroarch on an apple platform, it is not an approved core or is limited by apple restrictions and will not play well. Apple is not allowing JIT. This is a problem for ps2, psp, and GameCube for sure.
(PRO TIP. .7z to .zip) Using the files app, you can unzip a .7z file. Just rename it to .zip and select it. The files app will unzip it. Done. No need for an unzipping app.
(REQUIRED.) Some cores will crash or not boot a rom. I have found this to be mostly related to bios files not being in the app. (To add bios files = Use the files app. Go to on my iphone. Then find the retroarch folder, and select it. Then select the subfolder that is also named retroarch. After that scroll down to the folder named system. Dump all of your bios for all systems into this folder. I would add any bios you can find for the systems you are playing. This will stop the crashing and increase compatibility with games from different regions.) , (To find what bios are missing, open the retroarch app. Go to settings, core, Manage cores, Scroll down to the core you want to use, Select the core. Then scroll down to firmware. Just below that, you will see which bios are optional. Which ones are missing and required. The (!) is just a bullet point.) If you try to load a rom and it still crashes use a different core to launch that game if it is available. It could be a compatibility issue between the core and the rom. Or it could be region locked and you still need another bios file.

1.) (REQUIRED.) If you want to save yourself some annoyances with Retroarch on iOS, then after you make a change to your settings, hit home in the navigation menu, select configuration file, then save configuration file. I choose the overwrite option, but you can choose what best fits you. We can do this on other platforms by just tapping the back button until it exits the application, but there isn’t a back button on iOS.

2.) (OPTIONAL.) I like to turn on vibration/ haptic feedback. Go to settings in the navigation menu, input and scroll down to haptic feedback. I turn both options on and leave the vibration strength at 100%.

3.) (OPTIONAL.) I like to change the user interface. You can do this in two ways. A.) Changing the theme. Go to settings, user interface, appearance, select color theme and then choose your favorite. Mine is material ui dark. A.1) If you want you can also choose another app icon. The setting is the first option under user interface. B.) I like the stock setup, but you can change the entire layout to be different. You can go to settings, drivers, and select menu. The stock option is glui. You can choose the option you like the best in this section.

4.) (OPTIONAL.) I like to change the date and time format at the top to be something I am more used to. Go to settings, user interface, menu item visibility and select “style of date and time” towards the end of the list.

5.) (REQUIRED.) GETTING GAMES IN THE APP. Then we get to importing content. In the iOS version, Retroarch wants the roms to be placed into a folder that is inside of the Retroarch app itself. What I do is take the roms I want to play on Retroarch and move them into the Retroarch app. Here is how I do that. I have a folder already on my iPhone with the roms I want to play on Retroarch. (I store my roms on device. Using the Files app, then on my iphone and save the folder on your phone first. We move it to where it needs to go in the next step.). My folder is named “Retroarch Roms”. It can be really helpful to stay organized. Especially if you also use the Delta and ppsspp apps. I use the files app to locate this folder. Then I select it and move it. Or you could copy it but be mindful of files sizes and storage space. (I put “copy it” in here for a major reason. If you store all your roms in retroarch. And one day you want to delete and reinstall the app…. Bye bye roms. My library is too big to back up to iCloud. But that might be a good option if it works. I have not tested it.). Then move or paste this folder inside of the Retroarch app folder under downloads. (Files app, on my iphone, scroll down to retroarch – select it, then select the subfolder that is also named retroarch, then scroll down to downloads, select it. Your entire folder or multiple folders can go here.) Then hit the playlist menu (middle navigation button.) and select import content. Then scan directory. Click documents/retroarch, scroll down to downloads, then select scan this directory. Then let it do its thing. I like to leave the app open and on screen so the iphone/ipad doesn’t limit background activity. After it is done you can come back to the playlist menu to look through and launch your games. After you have launched a few games, You can go to Home, history and launch your recently played games from there. There is a favorites tab in the playlist section, but I don’t use it personally.

6.) (UPDATES.) I like to make sure a few things are up to date. So, I hit the home menu at the bottom. Go to online updater. Make sure on demand thumbnails is toggled on. (This will add box art on demand as you scroll through your playlist/library.) Then just below that update core files and all the others below it. Update all of them. Then scroll back up to playlist thumbnail updater (This is how you download box art manually for each playlist/library.) and select any system libraries/playlists that are missing album art. If it is your first time, I would just select them all to make sure box art is there when you browse your library. If you want some free to use roms go to content downloader and some homebrew and other roms are in there for each system.

(PSA.2) After you are done changing any settings. Do not just close the app. Make sure you save the configuration file like I mentioned at the start of this post. If not, the settings you changed will be “forgotten” but the roms and album art should still be there. Man, I wish someone told me that before I wasted my life 3 times in a row.

7.) (PS1) Firmware for ps1. To run games correctly you will need firmware for the ps1. PSX rearmed can get you started and playing but the “beetle psx hw” core for ps1 has an upscaling capability. This will make games look tremendously better. Firmware location. After a quick search on the interwebs, you have what you need. (To find what bios are missing, open the retroarch app. Go to settings, core, Manage cores, Scroll down to the core you want to use, Select the core. Then scroll down to firmware. Just below that, you will see which bios are optional. Which ones are missing and which are required. The (!) is just a bullet point.) Use your files app. Go to on my iPhone. Find the Retroarch app folder. Click the folder in there named retroarch. Scroll down to system and dump the bios files there. I can’t say where to get them, but “psx bios” should be easy to find in an archive if you search the googles. Make sure the spelling matches specifically. You can look in settings. Scroll down to directory. And you can scroll through where the app is currently looking for bios and you can change that if you need to. You can also go to settings, select core, manage cores, then scroll to the core you are looking for, then select the core. Scroll down to firmware section and select the “looking in” option to see where it wants the bios. It will tell you if any bios are missing as well. This can apply to any core. Not just ps1 cores.

8.) (SEGA SATURN.). Make sure all the Saturn bios are in the system folder inside the Retroarch folder (Look at the other bullet points on this post to see how. Some games will not launch unless the core has the correct bios. ). Roms. After extracting a rom, it should be a folder full of bin files. Put that whole folder (For each game/rom) in a Saturn roms sub folder. (Make a new folder called “Saturn Roms”.) Using the files app, go to on my iphone, go to the retroarch folder, then the retroarch sub folder. Then scroll down and select downloads. This is where you want to store the Saturn Roms folder. When you import content into retroarch. It will scan the folders and subfolders that have all the bin files. Games will appear as one in the playlist/library.

8.) (FAST VIDEO OR AUDiO) Sync issues. I turned on audio sync and it ran sonic super fast. Other people have had the opposite problem and need to turn it on. The same goes for video sync. The fixes are different depending on the device. Go to settings, video, synchronization, and adjust. You can change the refresh rate in the settings, video, output, vertical refresh rate in this section. This should only be adjusted if you are having issues. Audio sync is under settings, audio, synchronization. It says recommended to turn on. Mine goes crazy if I toggle that on. So I leave it off.

9.) (CORE OPTIONS.) Some systems have multiple cores available. I change them out on the fly by hitting playlist in the navigation menu (Middle option.) Scrolling down to the system I want to play. Then selecting the game, I am looking for. (Do not select run yet.) Then scrolling down and selecting set core association. If you want to use the same core for an entire playlist/library. You can go to settings. Playlists, manage playlists, then select the system you want to set a core for, scroll down to default core, and you can pick the one that works best for your needs.

(DIRECT LINK.) Below is a direct link to the app on the app store for those that have trouble finding it.
https://apps.apple.com/us/app/retroarch/id6499539433

submitted by 702Johnny to iosgaming [link] [comments]


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