Sick with a sore back, and headache

FY1 here. Posting because I feel like I've either hit the bottom or experiencing pretty bad burn out, exacerbated by other healthcare professionals generally treating me/other FY1 colleagues like rubbish.
I think one problem is that I care too much about doing the right thing; or that what I've done is wrong and will harm the patient; or that someone will make a complaint about me - none of these things have happened, I just worry.
Recently, when speaking to other specialties, I've come off the phone feeling terrible about myself, my ability as a doctor and the profession. Over the past 2 weeks, I've been brought to tears, abruptly had the phone put down on me, borderline shouted at and frequently spoken to as if I'm an idiot. It's got to the point where I dread making phone calls - and this is similar for other colleagues if we know who's holding the bleep for a specialty we're getting advice from.
I've been given countless jobs that really aren't for me to do - organising patient transport or mopping up jobs from a registrar's outpatient clinic like organising scans and chasing advice from other specialities on the reg's behalf. It's not just me; others in my hospital have experienced the same and we often discuss saying that if you do do it, you get no recognition or even thanks; but if you don't do it, you sure as hell know about it.
I dread work every single day. I get to work and I'm counting down the hours to leave, and I leave work and I'm dreading every hour that passes because it's an hour closer to having to go back in. Every morning I wake up and have to kind of have a little chat with myself to think that I can go in today, don't need to call in sick (never have).
I'm not sure why I'm posting this really, maybe just for someone to say they've felt the same as the year has progressed? Or a more senior person to say they experienced it/have noticed it, and suggest reasons? Maybe that would help me process it more. I thought as it went on it would improve, but the way me/other FY1s I work with are treated seems to be getting worse. Maybe it's other colleagues who are feeling burnt out too, taking it out on the easier targets? Not sure. Either way, I feel so close to just leaving even with ARCP around the corner.

My (22, lesbian) life is over i think. I live at home, with my parents. My mom discovered a weed vape i kept in my room. Shes extremely disappointed. I had a very rough past 4 years after graduating high school in 2020 due to my dad's sickness and I was doing community college, and got my associates.
First, they are disappointed in me for not going straight to a 4 year university. Except i did, i just flunked out after 1 semester because of how bad my mental health was with my dad and covid. My parents dont know about my sexuality. They would be livid if they did. They also dont know about my atheism.
Im not muslim, and I dont know what my mom is gonna think. My dad will probably just beat my ass. My mothers reaction is gonna kill me. She's gonna sit and sob in front of me about how terrible of a daughter I am and how she doesnt know what went wrong.
I try my best. She grew up in literal war and led a very hard life. Islam brings her comfort. It has only brought me pain.
For those telling me to move out: i am working on it. I need to finish my bachelors, and im going back to university in august, so that is still a ways away. I love my parents but i just wish they werent so traditional

I (30F) genuinely don't know anymore; I got my degree towards User Experience Design with a focus on accessibility and a background in print thinking I'd be able to make this my life. I loved that job so much; I immediately had offers lined up right out of college back in 2017 and it seemed like I was truly building a life for myself. One of my family members got sick, so I decided to work "only" 32 hours to be able to combine taking care of them with my job without getting in much trouble (having one scheduled day for hospital visits works wonders!)
but that all came crashing down. The company that I accepted the offer of to get the experience I needed to truly get my foot into the industry went bankrupt. I ended up having to accept a front-end development job at another company where I suffered Sexual Harassment that still is effecting me to this day. The company after that was absolutely amazing for the first 2 years; but then got an new CEO and suddenly I was expected to work 40+ hours on my 32 contract because they expected 32 hours of ticket work from me despite scheduling me for at least 15 hours of meetings a week; only to then accuse me of "refusing to adapt" and "just wanting to slack off". I eventually got an offer from an old coworker that went to another amazing sounding company because they were looking for someone just like me.
I made the switch in 2022. and at first everything was amazing until they suddenly dumped the workload of 8 people on me causing to work 100 hour weeks. between work and taking care of my family on top of some other private issues I was going through (My relationship had fallen apart and my ex was giving me death threats on top of my family member passing away and another one getting sick and now requiring care) I completely burned out. Eventually they stopped giving me work; undoubtedly in the hopes I would resign myself out of boredom; something I didn't. They eventually ended up firing me in December 2023 with a good Severance package.
I know the job market has been incredibly rough and especially my field has been hit hard with the introduction of AI; but I had hope I could eventually find another job with my Severance package giving me 6 months of time.
Those 6 months are now running out. I applied to 1000's of jobs. Often hearing back that they found someone with more experience, I didn't have enough experience, that I was under qualified, that I was overqualified, that I didn't talk about loving coffee enough in a motivational letter (yes, really. no; it was not for a coffee company)
I even started broadening my horizons and applied to jobs to work in a daycare which we have a severe shortage of workers in, which is a field I always had in mind as a backup. I told them my motivation, how much I was willing to learn and even pay for the course myself. I got denied because I was "overqualified" and "You strive to improve yourself too much and we are afraid you'll get bored might leave us soon"
I'm starting to genuinely give up; I don't really see any options anymore and I genuinely feel like I lost my entire life. I don't have much; because of the housing market I'm forced to life with family and because of that earlier mentioned breakup I'm single and in no way ready to date and build a life that way anymore. My job was my last tether to what feels like an "adult life" and I completely lost it.
The state of the industry is awful, and I'd honestly love some advice.

So the intro is from J Cole obviously.
Couple of side notes.
Im not a native English speaker so bare with me on the grammer and stuff.
I will try to be as clear as i can be but that probably gonna be hard
Not sure what i wanna get out of this post but here it goes...
Im a 34 year old dude who probably has everything in life to be happy. Got loving parents and family, got a couple of good friends, pretty sportive and tall, nice job, no debts other than student loans which isnt that much.
So last year my EX gf broke up with me, but to put things into perspective i will start in january 2022. In january 2022 i had some issues(cardiac arrhythmia) with my heart, nothing that could kill me but still unpleasent. It made me introvert and not a very lovely person to be around. Not that i would get mad just always low on energy. 2 weeks prior to this we bought our first house and moved to the city my ex gf grew up in. It was cool with me, i liked her family and it was only 30k from where we lived the past 6 years.
So we moved in, on april 2022. Everything was going well i just couldnt handle everything since the cardiac arrhythmia wasnt fixed. My boss knew of the issues and the company was pretty helpfull. But on may 2022 my colleague announced he was gonna quit and leave the company. That made me responsible for everyting on the department. I had a hard time with this.
In june 2022 they finally fixed my heart and it felt like i could move forward again. It would take a little time to get back in shape and stuff but that shouldnt be a big deal because i like sports.
Then my ex gf and i had a discussion about a puppy. I wasnt the biggest fan but since she really wanted one i could put my personal opinion aside and just go with it. BIG MISTAKE. A puppy is pretty hard work, we were prepared but i guess that wasnt enough.
When the puppy came in august i just totally couldnt handle everthing. New city, just got back from the heart stuff, lots of stress on the job and a cute but ffing crazy puppy running around. So at the end of august i called in sick at work, i was facing a burn out and couldnt get out of this.
On the other side my ex gf was happy because she made a promotion, moved closer to her family and got her puppy. From august 2022 to december 2022 we lived together but werent really a couple anymore. It hurt me but i was pretty much waiting for me to feel better and start life again. At the end of december i was getting better bit by bit.
We went to the christmas market in Cologne and i hoped this was the turning point. We were gonna be there for 2 nights. Couple days before we left my ex gf asked if it was okay to just go one night because the was an event at here work on the second day. I was like, sure if you really wanna go.
So she went to the event and i went home. She didnt came home that night, at the time i didnt think anything about it. The next day i picked her up and she looked sooo hungover, this was december 23rd. We went to her family the 24th and the plan was to go to mine the 25th. The puppy had some stressfull days so we decided it was best for the puppy to not come to my family. My ex ''voluntered'' to watch him. I wasnt to pleased with that but i was a little mad at how she acted the last couple of days so i just went alone.
The following weeks things werent going very smooth. We didnt talk much and when one was taking care of the puppy the other was going to friends or going to the gym or something. Again, no red flags for me, boy was i wrong. In the middle of january she dropped the bomb and said she needed some time alone. After one week we got back together and she said she needed another week. After two weeks she said the same thing. But i wasnt having that, so i didnt go along. Thats when she broke up with me. At that time i saw it coming a little because if you wanna live apart for 3 weeks after living together for 7 years that says enought.
2 minutes after she broke up with me i asked what had happend that night when she didnt came home. She admitted she cheater with a colleague. So i was thinking all these crazy thing like how she had been cheating for months and stuff(a couple months later i believe that was the only cheating thing she did)
The aftermath. I left the house and went back to the city we lived in for 10+ years. She got to keep the house with a crazy good mortgage. I lost some money, couple of 1000 euro. We had to deal with the paperwork. I was going to play it cool untill i found out she slept with that colleague again 2 weeks after breaking up but still living in the same house. Thats when something snapped in my mental. From february 2023 till june 2023 i was really struggling mentally. In june i started dating again just to have some hookups and boost my confidence.
In september 2023 i had this date with an awesome girl. I really liked her and things went great from the start. She is my current girlfriend who i really like and i know she really loves me too. The hard part is that i ran away from my ex gf and never got a decent closure. I wasnt thinking much about it untill yesterday when i had sort of an argument with my gf. It wasnt about anything important but it hit me emotionally.
When we got home she asked if i still saw the future like how i saw it with my ex. That i hold on to too many thing from that relationship. I mean sure, i like some things i did with my ex. We played the same sport and i like to introduce my current girlfriend to the sport and visit a pro game every once in a while. But my gf said she had the feeling she had to act like my ex and also had to like the game.
Also i kind of hate my ex, she cheated, she dumped me when i wasnt doint to well and she got the benefit of the house. The last year i thought alot about it but i wasnt seeing how much it still affected my day to day mental. I think my gf just started my process that i should have started last february when my ex broke up with me. I didnt give myself any time to grief over it.
SO basically this post is the start to get over my ex of maybe to see that life is awesome and that all the shit went down just led me to this awesome girl who can read my like a book and want to help me get back on the saddle and have an awesome life with here.
Also, this maybe sound crazy to you guys. But i shouldnt be mad anymore. It sounds so simple but the last year and a bit i was just a bitter dude who got dumped. Its time to look forward and to live again.
I you read this far. You are awesome, if not, you can also read the TL;DR below.
TL;DR My ex dumped me after i got a hard time with heart problems, a burn out and moving to the city she grew up in. After we broke up she got to keep the house which is benicifial and i lost a couple grand. Now i have a new girlfriend and she feels like im not over that situation yet because i still spreak bad about my ex and i feel like she betrayed me. But i realised, maybe 1 year to late i should just let it go and enjoy life right here and right now.

In 2019 I left academia for good. I had just had a baby and I was working 7 days a week. I was miserable and utterly burnt out. We didn’t like where we were living and we longed to move back to Maine.
So I did it. I quit! I was riddled with anxiety and felt horrible guilt, but since leaving teaching, I’ve never been happier.
It took some time to find my way, but I fell into copy editing. I spent a few years learning the ropes—and making a lot of mistakes figuring out which companies to work for and which to avoid—and I’m now making DOUBLE what I did as a tenure track assistant professor at a LAC. And I WFH for far fewer hours.
More importantly, I have the true time freedom and flexibility that I was promised in academia and never found there. I pick up my kids from school, take time off when they’re sick, and take vacations where I do ZERO work and have ZERO guilt.
I’m giving a free webinar this Thursday, 5/23, at 12 EST where I’ll explain how I left academia, what academic editing is, and how you can figure out if it’s right for you. I gave the same webinar last week and the attendees said it was like “free therapy” and that I was an “antidote to academia.” 😂
If you’re unhappy, you have options. And they don’t have to involve working 9-5 or making no money. Happy to answer any questions.
Here’s the link to save your seat: https://acadiaediting.com/becomeaneditor

I don't know why I'm posting this except for maybe commiseration/reassurance. I've been a lurker here for several years after being misdiagnosed with anxiety only to finally have a specialist confirm my asthma - which, I admit, presents very weird; it's more cough than wheeze, and it's triggered by pollution, chemicals, and strong smells but not allergies, and I can't even remember the last time I had a stuffy nose, let alone any chest congestion. But my mom and grandpa both have asthma, and theirs is weird just like mine, so I honestly should have known.
At first, I ended up changing my whole lifestyle - no longer wearing perfume at all, buying only fragrance-free cleaning products and cosmetics, paying attention to the air quality forecast and not really going out unless necessary on yellow days - and I was basically able to forget about my asthma for a while. I would occasionally get stuck behind a semi on the highway or be around smokers and have to take my rescue, but mostly it was fine. I had one really bad attack after helping a neighbor clean an extremely dusty house, but it was the only scary attack in 5-6 years.
Until I moved further north 2 years ago and started having to contend with the summer wildfire woes. I basically put myself under house arrest last year after taking the trash out during wildfire haze gave me a weeklong flare-up, but I must be getting too old for this stuff, because I couldn't do it this year. Ended up at my doctor's office in tears because even though I was using my rescue on cooldown for the past week, I've been miserable. My back is sore from breathing too hard, my chest has been tight, I've been coughing my head off, and even though I usually don't wheeze, I started getting a little whistle at the end of every exhale. She gave me montelukast and Advair, which is what my mom takes. I'm hoping it will help, but I'm just feeling so stupid for ignoring these problems last year. I was in denial. I have family with this issue, and I have no excuse.
Forgive my pity party folks, I'm just feeling blue.

So finally after a year im finishedddd. I started on 30mg, had to drop to 10 and build back up to 30 because of some bad blood tests and then was on 40mg from october until late april. Then started lowering from 30 to 10 again and now im done!!!!! First 2 pics are the day i started, the rest were during the purging period and after that calmed down a bit and last 4 are last month and today. Im so happy like I genuinely feel so confident, only thing left is scaring and im talking with my derm abt doing some treatment about that. My side effects werent severe, i had the typical dry lips and scalp, hair breakage, rash on my hands, sore back and body aches. My weirdest side effects would be that my boobs got smaller and my pms symptoms were and still are completely different since i started taking 40mg. It really is worth it though, the best decision i ever made so just keep going even if you get discouraged.

I have a 7.5 year old baby with adrenal disease and two liver masses, one which is pressing on a lobe. Inoperable, and terminal.
He has good days and bad days. On the good days, he's almost normal. You wouldn't be able to tell that he is dying from liver cancer, except that he is only awake for 1-2 hrs out of the day instead of the typical 4-6. When he's up, he runs around for a max of 10 minutes, uses the bathroom, then goes to sleep.
But when he is having a bad day, he doesn't eat. He no longer drinks, either, I mix wet food with electrolytes and water and give it to him all together. On bad days I need to force feed him. On bad days he vomits. On bad days he loses control of his bowels and bladder, to the point where the puppy pads covering the floor of his 6' by 8' enclosure is nearly saturated with his feces and urine within six hours. And yes, it's a lot of output.
He also seems panicked on bad days. Cage raging every moment he is awake and not out of his enclosure. He never used to do this. (He gets 6 hrs of outside time a day.) He seems to want to be around me a lot more. I'm guessing he is in pain. But he still wants to run around and explore - he just won't play. NO war dancing. Not for a few weeks now.
He was diagnosed seven months ago. I was happy to have that extra time with him. But now - I really hate to say it - I want to nip things in the bud BEFORE it gets bad. His ALC liver values are so high the machine can't read it - multiple vets have run into this problem with him. When he first crashed, he was all yellow and his bilirubin was over 1,000 units.
We don't want him to know what it's like to have a seizure. We don't want him to lose the use of his back legs. We don't want him to crash again. We've been supplementing with Milk Thistle and prednisone, but that can only buy us time for so long. And it's been a long time.
But today, he's been having a good day. It's so hard when they flip back and forth like that.
We made the appt for next wednesday. My fear is that the Lap of Love vet will turn us down for euthanasia, and that he will have to have an emergency or a crash before they will do it. We don't want that. What we want is to see him slip away at home while he is comfy, after having a wonderful party where he gets to eat all the things he wasn't allowed to eat before and explore all the places he wasn't allowed to explore and chew on all the rubber things. We want him to feel safe, cozy, and loved instead of having to feel sick and scared and on the way to the emergency vet in the car, which he HATES.
We don't want him to know what it's like to have a seizure, or to know what it's like to lose function of his back legs, or to ever have to crash and be jaundiced again.
Tell me ... am I doing this too soon? Do you think the vet will turn us down?

Hello, here I am once again! First ever Fan-Fic.
Last week I opened a poll about the type of Fan-Fic I should write (or try to), and after a good 4 days I took a look at said poll, and the overwhelming majority went for Option 2. And so I shall try my hardest to deliver, and give you all a story about Humanity entering on the Galactic stage later and being more prepared for eventual hostile encounters, and acting as such.
Let's see what I can cook up in my tired state- Some creative liberties are to be expected.
Still thinking of a Title- but this is the one I came up with.
... Also consider this a proof of concept for now, a WIP if you will, as I'm still new to writing (and not a native English speaker either) and wanting to learn as much as possible while writing anything at all- so expect word vomit. Any and all feedback will be welcomed.
Lastly, all love to for having made such an amazing universe.
===---===
Memory Transcription Subject: N/A, AI Communications Unit Terminal, UN-HQ.
Date [Standardized Human Time]: January 1st, 2300, 00:00
...
<>
<>
...
<>
...
<>
...
<>
...
<>
...
...
<<00:15, Probe successfully launched. Explore protocol initiated.>>
<>
<>
...
...
Log Update: 01:15
<>
<>
...
<>
...
Log Update: 10:15
<>
...
<>
...
<>
...
...
Log Update: 10:35
<>
...
<>
...
<>
...
...
Log Update: 10:50
<>
...
...
<>
...
Memory Transcription Subject: N/A, Terminal Deactivated.
===---===
Memory Transcription Subject: Alan Voor-hein, UN Secretary-General.
Date [Standardized Human Time]: January 1st, 2300, 11:00
It has finally happened. A fellow space-faring civilization has been found, something we thought would happen one day- Never in my 40 years would I have guessed it would happen in my lifetime. But I guess that is the thought process for everyone who are now involved.
I had gotten the first message out of anyone. It was now up to me to head to the HQ and get everything ready for the Emergency meeting. We'll have to "discuss" our next course of action on this situation. And I use the term "discuss" lightly, because there is not a lot to discuss, rather there is much to think about as a potential next step. I'll be having these discussions with our diplomatic and military advisors. Civil advisors will be left out, as to not make the public aware of this discovery ...at least, not yet.
I have an hour to get everything ready... and I still need to travel 20 minutes to get there. Luckily I have my own companion who can be my chauffeur- who is always ready at a moments notice, essentially 24/7.
I was speed-walking.. or speedily descending more like it, down the stairs of my house. ...Don't ask me what I was doing upstairs. My hastiness almost caused me to trip while going down the stairs because I was in a such rush to get outside, I did not have a lot of time on my hands.
After reaching the ground-floor I sped-walked past the kitchen, and I took a second to contemplate about taking a quick bite from a snack, but I decided against it. After-all, I could eat at the HQ... not that I'd have the time too, but at least I could give it a shot if I arrive in time.
As my journey to the front door continued, I was met with a familiar face- namely Heluni. Heluni is my Android companion. Android technology has gotten far over the last few decades, and Androids have become more Human than ever before.
"Good morning Alan!" Heluni spoke up, her voice as smooth as the calmest oceans. I looked towards her, and greeted her in return.
"Morning Heluni- Sorry to be a bother, but I gotta use your driving expertise again today. Emergency UN meeting. It's at 12, but I would like to be there as quickly as possible. Can you do that for me?"
"Of course I can, sir. Right this way." She led the way, opening the front door, waiting on me to follow behind her. I took my place behind her as she led me towards our car that was parked outside. A classic unmarked "not noticeable" vehicle, one everyone knows screams "here is someone important" but no one seems to care about in their daily life.
And like always when walking outside, my mind wandered to the flowing shoulder long hair Heluni has, her hair was always a beautiful sight to behold. How she- an Android- managed to have the hair of a Goddess remains a mystery to me. But I learned to never question our technological prowess.
Before I knew it, I was standing next to the car, Heluni having already taken the drivers seat. I took my seat in the back. And before I even sat down, Heluni look back at me. "Ready sir?"
"Floor it." was the only thing I responded with.. and Heluni took off like it was the end of the world.
... And I'm suddenly reminded why I only used her driving skills in Emergencies. This type of driving is gonna make me sick- but it's to late now, I suppose. I gazed down to my watch, and it's 11:15. If Heluni keeps driving like this, we'll be there in about 10 minutes.
...
I'm just gonna try and keep myself calm, as to not make myself sick with Heluni her driving.
...
We drove through the city towards the UN Headquarters. Heluni was cutting through the traffic wherever she could- you'd think we would get pulled over. But the only reason we never were, was because the only symbol on this car (to at least mark it somewhat) was that the UN symbol was put in place of the car-manufacturer logo. Any officer knew that, if a UN car was speeding like this, there was something going on.
But since I still did not want the public to know about the discovery made earlier today, I'd have to come up with some excuse for this... I think I'll wave it off as a training exercise for my Android.
Noticing that I was rather quiet, Heluni chirped up. "Sir, is everything okay?"
"Hm? .. Oh yeah, just thinking about stuff. Don't worry about it."
"Sir, is it about the upcoming meeting? What is it about?"
"..Heluni, that's confidential information-"
"I know sir, but perhaps.. whatever it will be about, is making you nervous?"
... Am I nervous? I don't think I am- maybe subconsciously I am??
...
"Well, I can say it's something I have never planned on doing."
"Is it bad?" Heluni asked me, trying to inquire more out of me.
"Depends on future circumstances...."
"Will I be allowed to know more about this meeting?"
"One day you will, Heluni. But for now, that's gonna be a negative."
"I understand, Sir."
...
For the rest of our journey, no words were spoken. I was deep in thought again. Like.. what does this mean for my career? I will be the first leader in UN history who may lay the ground-works for an eventual "First Contact" between Humans and an Alien species.
I'm nervous thinking ahead that far, for all we know, they are those type of Alien we have seen in pop-culture. Either fun and loving, or utterly ruthless and genocidal. What would they think of us? ... What will we think of them? Is there a potential for a future war?
We have that last one covered at least. Humans being Humans and all- we already have a decent Space going fleet of roughly 8000 ships of various sizes. ... Just in case a Colony gets any funny ideas with their local security forces. But now knowing we might have to face off against Aliens as well, I think it's about time to ramp up the ship production tenfold.
More importantly, we have to spy on them. Luckily that probe we sent is close to their planet, so we'll just use that for any surveillance and intelligence..
My thoughts were shaken back into reality from plausible scenarios once we took a tight corner a little too fast- but before I could scold Heluni for it, there it was, the UN-HQ in the distance. A few more minutes, and we'll be there.
...
===---===
There we have it! I think I did well in my tired state for this first part. I'll keep looking through the text itself from time to time. So if any feedback, grammar, etc, is thrown my way. I can implement them right away.
I hope this is setting a decent stage for what's to come. Hope you had fun reading this!
For now, Imma chill with some music.

Hi guys, it's been a year since my orchiectomy. Never had chemo just on surveillance. But my lab results from two days ago said my LDH levels were high (563). But everything else seems normal. I heard working out can raise it up, I did do a high intensity work out the day before and could barely walk due to soreness. I don't know if that caused it to rise like that. Or I'm just going to have to deal with this cancer again if it's that. I called the doctors and they said they will call me back. Now I'm just waiting...I don't know where else to post this. Stressed a little.

TL;DR - selfish asshole of an older brother scams me and my parents out of $200.
Okay, so I’m not doing too well financially, but I live with my Mom and Pops so we try to make ends meet. A couple weeks back we were in such rough shape financially, that I had to juggle three day jobs just to cover rent and suppress the collector’s from knocking on the door regarding our collective debts. We so broke I literally can’t even afford to sleep because in the night=I can get freelance work done. “I can sleep when I’m dead,” has become my full-time motto (unfortunately). Anyways, to try to bring some income in my household I offer services as a freelance video editor.
A while back, my older brother (who’s a career criminal and has flee’d multiple countries when authorities were after him for violent offences) hit me up and asked if I’d be down to edit for him. I was hesitant at first, being as last time I heard from him was after he beat our Mum to a pulp when I was only 12. For context bro or sis, whoever you are that is reading this: if I was only three years older I wouldn’t have let that slide—I would have mobbed his ass right then and there, pinned him down and done him so fucking dirty… IDGAF if my 15 year old ass had gone to juvie for it, I would do anything for my mother, including take a life. But instead, all that’s been imprinted in my brain is how much of a bitch I was at 12–cowering under the dining table as he took multiple shots with a shoe, at our crying helpless mother on the ground.
Anyways it’s been a few years, I’m 24 now and he gave me a big sob story how he has changed. I bought it up like the good little sheeple I am… started editing for him under the guise that he’d pay me $200 per video: SCORE! That’s a lot of money!!!
I got to know his business (shady as fuck) and got to find out he now dreams of being a finance influencer (double shady) but alas, he’s my big bro and no matter what wrong-doing he’s doing, he convinced me that he was a good man. Ight, bet, I’ma edit for him and make some money for the fam! In between his ‘takes’ of videos he sends me, I piece together that his “wife” films the videos, and he’s still an extremely abusive person. He tries not to let it show on camera, but I’m really good with people, emotions and hidden trauma so I can feel the sickening ‘abuser-of-people’ energy SEEPING off of him, still, to this day. I feel sick to my stomach editing for him, but shit, he’s promised me $200 per video. Over the course of a few weeks I can see why he never told us about his wife, it seems he keeps her pent up somewhere in Georgia, Batumi, and forces her to do whatever he wants. He once referred to her as “his slave” which I originally thought was A JOKE, but now in the grand scheme of things… I don’t think it was a joke. I pray that authorities get to them before he does something to her, but idek where to begin to put a ‘concerned citizen tip’ in a foreign country.
Some context as to why I put up with all the red flags: Mom’s not working as she has to take care of the house and she’s also trying to make money online, any ways possible. She’s starting to sell her favourite clothes. It fucking breaks my heart that I can’t do shit about it… at 24 years old, with all the social media influencing and advertising, I feel like garbage that I can’t fully support my parents… at least not yet! Dad is constantly depressed because he’s almost 80 years old and can’t retire ‘cuz my parent’s are in too much debt.
Okay, anyways, three BIG videos done for him (by big, I mean I spent +8 hours on each vid) and brother’s paid me for ONE via PayPal… no worries, he keeps leading me on saying the money will come, the money will come. And PayPal says I got $200 coming my way from him! Uhh ight, bet? Mind you, I start PLANNING my life around this $200 notification because that’s a hot stack for me and my family!!! Takes PayPal about 20 days to actually let me use the money… ridiculous because we NEEDED it… but that’s okay, I work around the problems in life, much like we all have to.
Here comes the turning point: I’m a little overworked and a little coo-coo sometimes, and one night I start telling him personal shit, kinda pouring out my heart to him, venting almost. I don’t really remember about what, just life I guess, nothing negative towards him. Somehow he misconstrues it, gets upset with me, and ‘tells me off.’ I get upset with him, tell him his business is a sham and I’ma change the rules that we agreed upon. Since his fake-ass can’t pay me what was agreed upon, (maybe $200 is a lot for him, as well) so I ask him if we can do $10 per hour instead. I pitch to him that moving forward, anytime I edit more than five hours ($50), I will refuse to edit until the money gets sent. The conversation turns hostile, QUICK. He calls me a ton of bad names with an underlying message that I’m the biggest loser on earth for pursuing a dream in working in Entertainment & he ends it with a sweet “you’ll never be anything.” LOL WHAT? Completely out of pocket and out of left field, so naturally, I tell him to eat shit, I won’t be doing anymore free work and he can pay me a mere $30 (yes, thirty dollars) for the entire portfolio of audios, texts/scripts, videos, and clips I’ve taken from the internet that ‘match’ the vibe he wants in his videos.
Context: at this point I’ve completed SIX FULL VIDEOS FOR THIS DUDE and he’s only paid me the one payment of $200. Not good at maths? Me neither, lemme help you out. He owes me $1,200 from our original agreement because I’ve spent more than 48 collective hours working on his videos, and he’s only paid me $200. But I tell him: I’ll let it all slide if he pays me $30 for the portfolio of about 50 gigabytes, and then moving forward, he’d pay me the $10 per hour if he wanted more content from me. He already has the six full videos in his possession. The ‘portfolio’ is stuff I’ve found that’s free-use on the internet, stuff that I’ve compiled, and even some scripts that I’ve written out! ALL MINE that I did for HIS business. So it seems logical for me to give this portfolio as an option, just incase he wants to say nah moving forward on me editing for him, and just take the material & go our separate ways…
In response, my (35 year old) brother files a complaint on PayPal claiming he only hired me for a channel encompassing trailer that I did not provide and that I’m attempting to extort him for more money. LOL, WHAT? PayPal’s like BET and automatically attempts to deduct from MY chequing account, without even getting to the bottom of it. Obviously doesn’t work, my account (not PayPal account, my fucking bank account. these mf so overzealous that they reached right into my mf pocket!!!!) gets put in the negatives and I attempt to appeal, with no sweat on my brow ‘cuz I’m like no way PayPal finna let this slide. I then proceed to message my terrible relative multiple times, with texts, videos and audio recordings and I’m in a hysterical mess. I begin threatening him, I begin begging to him, pleading with him, saying anything under the sun just for the hope that he has some heart and would send back the $200 if PayPal does end up taking it from me. Already my chequing was fricked but I could do some damage control… I was cocky, thinking PayPal would obviously side with me once they heard the whole story, so I also told him since he’s caused such pain for me out of absolutely nothing, like completely unprovoked, then shit: I want the original $200 PLUS an extra $200 for all this trauma. He responds by blocking me on everything. It’s 4 A.M. and I’m shaking as I’m typing this…
Somehow after all the information I provided, PayPal sides with him. Wow, wait, what? PayPal has since tried to deduct my PERSONAL CHEQUING ACCOUNT multiple times in order to fish back the $200 which I ALREADY HAD TO USE!!! Idk if you ever had a payment tried to be taken out of an account which already has a negative balance, but the payment doesn’t go (it does a minus then a plus) but usually the bank is like WTF and charges you fees. Multiple times = Multiple fees…
Before, I was in the negatives on my ONE chequing account I own… now I’m in the NEGATIVE-NEGATIVES… no clue how tf I’ma get out of it, but we all persevere eventually! I’ve reached out to PayPal but I’m almost sure nothing will come of it.. I’m considering taking PayPal to small claims court to somehow try to fix all this mess, but I fear it’ll break me off more trouble than repair anything. If you want to DM me, I’ll gladly give you my brother’s socials to send a report to his accounts on Instagram or TikTok, or even leave him a not-so-nice comment if you’d like. Also let me know if you know how I can get in contact with the authorities in the country of ‘Georgia.’
I have absolutely no issues posting his socials, address, doxxxing his ass to the fullest extent, all to do whatever’s necessary: because I fear he will one day gain notoriety and scam a shit ton of people. Praying that never happens.
Let me know what y’all think!!!

Good afternoon, all. I hope everyone is recovering nicely and for those with scheduled surgery dates, I hope you’re getting great advice and info. from all of the wonderful people in this group. I wanted to pop on in and post about how things are going because I think I need people to tell me that I’m doing the right or not so right things. I’m listening to my body and giving it relief when I feel any slight discomfort. Please know that I value all opinions and like a new mom, I’m learning as I go. Ok so, I had a robotic assisted laparoscopic total hysterectomy on May 3, I kept both ovaries. I will be 3wpo this Friday and I went back to work Monday, yesterday. I’ve been working from home since 3dpo and decided that I felt good enough to be at work at least half day, so 4 hours, I ended up staying a little over 5 hours. I mostly sat upright at my desk but I did do some walking and quite a bit of standing. Most of the walking and standing was done all at the same time for a about an hour, between 10am and 11:15am. So the other 4 hours were spent sitting upright but I would stand or walk for a couple of minutes to get some relief from sitting, after about 20 - 30 minutes of sitting upright in my desk chair. By the time I left at 1:30pm, I felt the gravitational strain in my pelvic area. It wasn’t painful but I could feel some slight pressure and discomfort. When I got home, I went straight to bed and didn’t get up, for 3 hours, maybe 4. I was scared to get upright because I thought I’d feel that pressure again but when I finally got up and out of bed, I felt completely fine. No discomfort whatsoever. I was actually kinda shocked. I still stayed in bed, only getting up out of necessity. When I woke up this morning, I felt great, no pressure or discomfort at all in the pelvic area but I do feel some soreness in the muscles in my inner thighs. I went back work this morning but did half the walking and standing and I left at noon. I was there less than 4 hours. I did feel the some of the same pressure and discomfort, no better or worse than the day before and like yesterday, I came straight to bed and I’m going to stay here for the rest of the day. I don’t have anything going on at work tomorrow so I can work from home, if I want but I’m wondering if my body needs that activity to build up strength. My energy levels are great and my mood is great and I don’t feel weak or fatigued at all. Also, I haven’t taken any type of pain medicine since I was 1wpo. What are your thoughts?

I heard her mention she had a 'ripple' in the first episode when reporting her turn triggered earlier. But I'm having trouble finding an official name for it.
I ask because the special effects evoke a personal sensation I've never been able to define/describe medically. Hoping to find out what causes it and what might prevent it reliably. Having something external to share seems possibly useful to my efforts.
[In case anyone's curious...
Closest I've managed were 'serotonin surges' or 'zapps', since I did feel something vaguely similar when stopping certain antidepressants such as Effexor.
But I've experienced these in everyday life too, including before ever taking an antidepressant. And I don't love suddenly feeling disconnected from my body briefly and dizzy.
Yes, I've had POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) where I get tunnel vision after standing up. Might be related, but is very distinct/different in sensation. And I purposefully hydrate a lot more which I believe was the problem there.
This often happens when I turn/rotate, if it's happening then. And my vision doesn't darken, though my perspective can jump (I think... it's a fast and disorienting process, and is hard to 'study').
Like I backed up briefly without my body truly moving, then jumped forward again almost instantaniously.
Or inside my skin I suddenly shrank then jumped back out again. With my skin tingling like crazy afterwards.
In a sci-fi universe I'd think I was almost or half jumping into another dimension, but not quite making it through then returning.
Guessing my vestibular system is connected (easily motion sick), and might be hydration/electrolyte/mucus related (or Histamine related... I know my HNMT sucks for breaking it down in the brain).
Perhaps with some personal position area of the brain? Proprioception I think is the term for 'where our body thinks it is' and I know there are brain areas known involved in that process.
And maybe my fascia or capillaries are releasing then squeezing? I tend to have tension/tingling in my skin all the time. Akathisia is the medical term. This is like turning the normally 1-2 out of 10 into an 11. Guanfacine and clonidine both turned that sensation off, but I ended up trying other medications instead and never got to try them again (for adult ADHD diagnosis + treatment experiments).]

So I (13 M) had just gotten out of the bowling alley after my mom Took and picked up our landlord (50-60 F) (will call her bun for now) from the hospital because her blood pressure or sugar was up so high she was gonna pass out so she called my mom and she took her to the hospital before. and now my mom has me going there to walk her dogs. and bun told me she walks the dog at 12 pm to 7 pm and I’m fine with 7 pm but waking up at 12 pm is a little to much for me because I don’t get up as fast and when I do I don’t have time to eat so when I ride my bike over which is like 5 mins to get there is fine but there’s 4 dogs and 1 of them eats the other dogs poop and when we get back that one Dog likes to lick me and I get pissed and don’t tell bun but I tell her that one dog like to eat poop and she said that she can’t really do anything about that and I ask her if there’s any thing she wants me to do for her before I go back home and come back at 7 because I’m that kind of person I likes to help because she sick. and she had me pick up dog poop off the floor because the dogs like to poop and pee on the floor anyways. I didn’t know that because I wasn’t in her house before and there was a lot of poop so I did my thing and did it .and I’ve been walking her dogs for about a 3 weeks now and my mom the the brightest idea to do and give my number out to bun and I was pissed because I don’t want my number out to somebody. I only do it to people like my friends and other kinds of people and she didn’t tell me that she give my number out to her and sense I realize I’ve been doing this for ( three weeks now) and I’m doing things like fixing her fence and picking up dog poop and taking them for long walks which she recently had me do and now my father agrees with me now that I should be payed (so am I the asshole?)

I absolutely hate throwing up with all my being. TMI I prefer having explosive diarrhea over throwing up.
When I'm sick I do everything in my power to not throw up but sometimes I know I have to because if I do I'll feel better.
Now this is my second child. With my first I didn't feel any of the annoying symptoms. No morning sickness no back pain. It was such an easy pregnancy. I was exhausted during the first trimester but it went away in the second trimester.
This time around morning sickness is kicking my ass. I hate it so much. I get nauseous all the time and I haven't found a trigger.
I have avoided actually throwing up until now. I just refuse to do so. I hate it so much.
Which brings me to my question. Does actually throwing up make you feel better? Like when you throw up when sick? Or does everything remain the same?
I can make my self throw up if I want, you know not at will just when I'm nauseous. I just really don't want to.
I'm drinking ginger tea, eating toast and crackers... It doesn't really help. I have an OB appointment in two weeks so I'm just sucking it up until then but dear God I'll do anything to make this feeling go away...even if I hate every second of it.

(name shown are not their real names)
So three people in my circle of friends fought around 3 or 4 weeks ago, we decided to group ourselves together on a group project where we make our own product and sell it to school. I hesitated at first because I wanted to test myself since our teacher gave us a choice where we can do it individually but decided to go along with it because my closest friend among the group, Mark, was telling me it'd be a good idea. Ok, so it started really well, we were 7 in the group and everyone was participating and very productive until the 2nd week where there were only three of us doing all the work including me, Mark, and our other friend.
One night he called me and told me that we should split up with them because the others were not participating anymore but I told him that it was already too late since it's the 2nd week already and that the money of the other members that they shared were already used and splitting up with them at that point will be too much complicated. Dropped the call and decided to game because I really didn't think too much about it.
After gaming, I noticed that there a lot of messages in our group chat and decided to check and back read all the messages, and that's where I saw Mark fighting with the other two members Pau and Clyde. It started with Mark asking the other members if they could come tomorrow for another product making, Clyde said that he has no money to commute and can't go while Pau said she was sick. Mark snapped at them and told them that they were taking it too easy while we were doing all the work while replying some random gifs to their replies as if he was mocking them. That's where I butted in and told Mark to stop sending gibberish while the other two were trying to explain properly, and told the other two that they can't keep missing out because the products we were making are increasing and it was getting hard with just the three of us. I made sure not to take any sides because I didn't want them to think that I'm biased over someone. Mark stopped reading the messages at that point so I decided to dm him and told him that he needs to talk to them to clear the misunderstanding which he oblige. I told them that I get where Mark is coming from because everytime we finished making batches we end up being extremely exhausted and we also have our unfinished assignments on top of that, and I also said that I also get where the other two is coming from since being sick is out of our hands, as well as not having money to commute.The fight was over, Pau and Clyde decided to go using the motorcycle Clyde borrowed from his uncle. I dm'd Pau and told her it's ok to not go since she was sick but she still insisted.
Back to the present, Mark called me earlier saying that we needed to make another batch tomorrow but he was making me do all the talking in the group chat and jokingly said "why don't you say it to them" and laughed, he then replied that they were not really talking to each other anymore and can't stand their attitude. I admit Pau, she has a very sassy attitude so I get where Mark is coming from.
Anyways what bothers me now is that I just learned that they're not talking to each other but I still kept messaging our group chat mentioning them over some memes I was sending and I mean I didn't know that they were still not ok around each other because everytime we made batches I see them making jokes and laughing around each other so I just thought that they were already ok but no, and now all the times I mentioned them over some memes makes it look like I'm forcing them to laugh together without knowing that they still haven't made up yet.

So I (13 M) had just gotten out of the bowling alley after my mom Took and picked up our landlord (50-60 F) (will call her bun for now) from the hospital because her blood pressure or sugar was up so high she was gonna pass out so she called my mom and she took her to the hospital before. and now my mom has me going there to walk her dogs. and bun told me she walks the dog at 12 pm to 7 pm and I’m fine with 7 pm but waking up at 12 pm is a little to much for me because I don’t get up as fast and when I do I don’t have time to eat so when I ride my bike over which is like 5 mins to get there is fine but there’s 4 dogs and 1 of them eats the other dogs poop and when we get back that one Dog likes to lick me and I get pissed and don’t tell bun but I tell her that one dog like to eat poop and she said that she can’t really do anything about that and I ask her if there’s any thing she wants me to do for her before I go back home and come back at 7 because I’m that kind of person I likes to help because she sick. and she had me pick up dog poop off the floor because the dogs like to poop and pee on the floor anyways. I didn’t know that because I wasn’t in her house before and there was a lot of poop so I did my thing and did it .and I’ve been walking her dogs for about a 3 weeks now and my mom the the brightest idea to do and give my number out to bun and I was pissed because I don’t want my number out to somebody. I only do it to people like my friends and other kinds of people and she didn’t tell me that she give my number out to her and sense I realize I’ve been doing this for ( three weeks now) and I’m doing things like fixing her fence and picking up dog poop and taking them for long walks which she recently had me do and now my father agrees with me now that I should be payed ( if you have a nice way to ask to be pay for walking her dog for 3 weeks now please put you’re answer in the comments) (so am I the asshole?)

Today’s one page challenge is for The City in the Clouds by J.B. Williams. Finally, a requested challenge, rather than the usual cycle of me finding a story and the person being triggered that I did so. At 234 pages and a whopping price tag of $20.99 for a paperback, it’s a wonder why it looks untouched. Flip some burgers for an hour to pay for this… whatever it is. I was told the editor is good, so let’s see how he gummed up the works.
The rules of the one page challenge are simple: I go through the first page of the book(about 300 words or 3 paragraphs) and say where the average reader would stop. These reviews are short, sweet, and to the point (unlike most of these books). The main things we look for are things like tension, a hint at the plot existing, good feng shui, a feeling like the blurb is accurate, a lack of obfuscation, and the story fulfilling its role as a story. As we go along, I’ll explain why readers love or hate certain elements and we’ll see what straws break the camel’s back.
The title, The City in the Clouds, makes me think of fantasy, but it’s meant to be sci-fi. Clouds symbolize knowledge beyond our reach or something like daydreaming, treated as water in air(mystery in knowledge). Saying the title this way makes it seem like the focus is the city itself, which would be cool if it was something like a dystopian or utopian story. Maybe a tech noir or detective story, but… it’s not. This story is actually about a woman, and it’s a comedy, completely conflicting with the genre in two ways.
I didn’t want to say this but Huston… we’re already having problems.
The ebook cover is a drawing of curly haired woman staring at the camera like she’s constipated, while the paperback version is of an anime girl holding a gun and looking like she has diarrhea. Both versions have her in a suit, with a giant gas planet behind her. Both have similar fonts for the title and name, but the ebook version is so blurred and darkened that it reads like a secret message; the physical version being slightly less blurry. If I saw this on a shelf, I wouldn’t recognize this as a book or know what it was called. I find it strange because the back of the book is very clear, given a blue box for clarity, and has a sun with a red sky that would have made more sense than these frumpy women.
I guess the title and name are made illegible because we’re supposed to zoom our eyes straight to the blurb:

Robin Alia Brook is considered a loser. She works at customer service for one of the largest companies in humanity's interstellar empire, gets stood up on dates, and accidentally kills people. Then when her ex-online boyfriend gives her the winning vacation lottery ticket to the famed habitat, The City of Clouds, she reluctantly accepts it.
Upon arrival, she is greeted by the massive, beautiful gas giant Bellona, and all the glamour and prospects of expansion for the famous habitat. And it is the beginning of a celebration, too! For the election of the new habitat captain! But the celebration and vacation are ruined when pirates attack, seeking the captain's riches.
They are ruthless, they are bloodthirsty, and they won't stop until they get what they want. Unfortunately for the pirates, Robin is really good at accidentally killing people, and with her is a rag tag team of a pilot recruit, an egotistical journalist, a veteran photographer, and the captain himself.
It will be a long battle for The City of Clouds, and the outcome is unknown, but one thing is certain... This is the worst vacation ever.

Slight grammar issues here and there, but most wouldn’t notice that “ex-online boyfriend” would mean the boyfriend was online and not anymore. The delivery is a little bouncy, almost appropriate, but doesn’t give much tone from how much info it tries to cram in. Something I noticed is that very little sci-fi is mentioned, with the only thing giving a sci-fi vibe being the idea of traveling to another planet. If this was a vacation to an island, very little would change from how it’s described. Like the title and name on the cover, a lot of what makes this book a book is hidden from us, in plain sight.
At this point, the average reader would probably not give it a shot, unless the idea of pirates and an ironic Die Hard premise is their cup of tea.
No prologue, no maps, no glossary, just a simple chapter 1 to greet us. Ok, I’m liking this already. I know this is a small thing, but the simplicity of just starting a story is a blessing that should be the norm, and isn’t. I haven’t read a single word and this is already the best OPC so far. Yes, it’s that easy.
Don’t ruin the experience with all your fancy try-hard nonsense and the reader will be in hog heaven.
We are told the planet, sector, system, and date. Very effective in establishing the sci-fi element in this single aside, which also lets us know it’s 400 years in the future. The planet is named Andromeda, which is a well known galaxy, so if this is in that galaxy, I assume it’s going for a “New York, New York” type of gag. The editor did a good job, with the first page establishing a scene in a restaurant. What he messed up on was… everything that’s not the scene itself, which makes up 90% of the words.
The protagonist, Robin Alia Brook has her day off described as “shot in the face”, being delivered in present tense and this has it come out awkwardly. I say this because the second sentence is past tense, then it shifts back to present, back to past. This is why people stick with past tense to avoid the headache, and present tense is now used as a hipster novelty to act as if things are more important because they’re happening as they’re written. Most readers just find it as a distraction and it causes something niche to become more niche in the process. The first paragraph ends with us being told that she’s in a restaurant that is 500 feet under the sea, of a planet called Andromeda.
She is to be dining, but she is NOT dining because her date didn’t show. Cue the audience gasping, because this is a travesty. The part that really kills this opening is the sentence “She is currently obtaining nutrients through Poseidon's generous supply of free lemons water and cheesy garlic biscuits.” This was the perfect chance for worldbuilding, to express something futuristic and fresh. Instead, it tied itself to Earth, talked about mundane food like lemon water, and it didn’t use any of these for a punchline.
This is meant to be a comedy, but is absent of comedy. We don’t need a bunch of humor in the first paragraph, but we do expect a comedy to present a tone that can lead to humor occurring. Every scene for a comedy is a setup for gags and punchlines. Much like horror, the scene is built around the mood, which is brought to a peak around half way. The introduction of a comedy book is going to hold a joke in relation to the entire book.
I believe the blurb when it says this Robin character can kill things by accident, because this book dies right after she’s introduced, around the second paragraph. The third paragraph changes the subject to be about other people in the restaurant, acting as a distraction that leads to infodumps of Robin’s outfit and such. I understand that the “joke” is that this woman is stood up on her date and we are to feel her anguish, but the reader shouldn’t be suffering through the opening this soon. Starting here is either far too late or far too soon. If anything, this is something I expect in chapter 2 or something we hear about as she’s on her way to Bellona.
A good way to put it is that this scene is a non-sequitur done in order to give fashion statements, with the important exposition ignored for window dressing.
The average reader needs tension to get sunk into a sci-fi story, because this is a planet we don’t know about with a character we’ve never seen before. What is the point of having this restaurant so deep underwater? There is a city underwater? She has a job, but where does she work? At the Krusty Krab?
Non-sequitur is a distraction that removes us from the scene and the plot to explain things that don’t serve a purpose to either. If I changed the first sentence to only hold what was part of the scene, it would be the characters name and nothing more. To strengthen an opening like this, we would have to set it up for a punchline, reinforce the sardonic tone, and tie the scene with the situation. The first sentence would go like:

Five hundred feet below the sea’s surface, Robin could not stop drinking.

This will give the impression that she’s getting drunk, while attaching her drinking to the sea outside, giving the impression that she’s drowning. But even then, I wouldn’t start here, I would begin with a comedic amount of assurance that she’s going to have her date show up, then the next scene is her waiting with this. That, or I would have her doing the walk of shame, allowing the plot to begin sooner when she gets her golden ticket, which would be like:

The ocean floor outside was slowly swallowed by darkness as the elevator pod took Robin away from Poseidon.

Here, we have a moment for her to think back to the situation, and the word “darkness” gives hint to her current feeling about the restaurant. This is a setup for the punchline that follows, already skipping the failed date and able to move forward to the poster she sees in the elevator. Movies tend to do this type of exposition with the main character telling the situation to another person, who is helpless to escape. That can add more humor and make the main character express their personality quirks. The goal is for less opening to be used up for non-sequitur and to focus it on moving forward in relation to the plot.
For a story like this, the rejection comes from a lack of being straightforward. We can always fix up a sentence and how it sounds, but this doesn’t mean much when the bones are disjointed. Thankfully, for this one, a lot of readers are used to openings like this from online serials, so there is hope that a lot of it will get a pass. It’s that first hump that it has to get over in order to shine. Sadly, for little Robin, that hump was not achieved, so her journey through the city in the cloud might as well not exist.

Hello everyone, normally I would just be shy or something opening a thread (this is my first one, I believe), because it's hard for me to open my mouth first. I haven't been following this sub, but I felt I needed to post here, first result I got looking up. I've been thinking about me. I'm 30 years old, just coming out of a crippling depression I had for a bit more than half my yet short lived life. I'm starting to appreciate more things in life, but I've yet to break out my shell. I fear showing myself to the world. Lately I've been wondering of one thing or another. I tend to try to make people happy, and do a bit more and beyond for no ulterior motives. It just makes me happy, but when I come back to my room, it's always the silent staring at the screen, sitting in front of my computer playing videogames or watching anime. My arms are sore, I feel tired, smoke some tobacco over at my room's window... Then I wonder about tomorrow, what will I do. I feel powerless, and have decided to just go with the flow. Whatever comes, comes... That until now. I don't feel sad anymore but I've halted my growth a big time. I feel like having focused on everyone else as much as I remember made me neglect myself so much. I don't stretch, exercise I've settled with jogging/running, because I don't have those big muscles like to do heavy stuff. I don't know well how to cook, have little to none self-control on dietary stuff (am not overweight by the way, but I definitely should know better what I eat, is what I say). This all should give you an idea on the person I am, or have been so far. I've been really neglectful with myself, and until the day I do something about it, I won't ever feel truly alive again, like in those old youth days where one believed one could take over the world by oneself. Upon reflecting about just how careless I am about myself, I began stretching, and took a shower. Brushed my teeth and began typing this message. I think I'll keep learning how to stitch to repair my clothes, and will pick the barbells this evening. To whoever has taken the patience to read all this. One: I appreciate you taking the time to read. And two: have you felt like this before? What did you do?

I am a young male and wrote this to my dear friend recently before backing out of suicide.
My sister. I love you so very much, and I admire you. Often, I even envy you. I think I care about you more than you care about me, and I feel so protective of you. Yet, frustratingly, I don’t think you really need me. I wish you did need me, and I wish you cared about me more as much as I care about you. That’s not your fault though, don’t think that it is. I don’t wish to give you the wrong idea but I think you’re so beautiful. Not in a sick, twisted way that would end in harm for everyone, but in a way that makes me oddly proud. It’s like I get to know this pretty girl and be her close friend while most don’t. You’ve always supported me, and you can make me smile when nobody else can. There are so many examples of this. You totally change the trajectory of my day so often. That’s not irregular either. A lot of the time the best part of my day was seeing you, talking to you, sometimes even just being around you. I am not drawn to you or attracted to you, let me plainly state that clearly. I feel I shouldn’t have to say that, but frustratingly I feel like the thought crosses my mind sometimes and I want to affirm that. There’s nothing wrong with you, I just see you as my sister, and you’re taken, and I need to be single. So, triple threat on that one. I feel as if the only reason I think that way sometimes is because I’m so deeply lonely and I cling on to you because I just want feminine affirmation I think. Or perhaps just normal affirmation. It’s quite difficult to analyze yourself sometimes. One day you’ll make a great wife and I wish I could be there to see it. If my Father permits me, I’ll watch from above. Or perhaps from below if I’ve made some theological mistake and salvation is different from what we think. Sister, you’re so precious to me and I wish I knew how to express the way I love you, and how deeply. In my time alive there was nothing I wouldn’t do for you. The reason for my death, in case you’re wondering, is simple. Justice. I cannot stand to think I am getting away with my depravity with no punishment. Jesus suffering in my stead has one flaw, that I don’t suffer for it. Is it truly justice if I don’t suffer? The punishment is imputed onto another and thus is unjust. That’s one part of it, but it’s also because I’m just so pathetic and can’t stand firm. I want to be strong but I am intrinsically weak. I try to lean on Him for strength but that requires that I seek him which I so often fail to do. I get caught in a loop of maybe seeking him for a little while, but eventually growing exhausted from the weight of following him and crashing into slothfulness. I don’t know why Jesus said his burden was light, it maybe be light to hold, but holding even a feather will weight you down after enough time. I also know that I’m not really a man. I’m so pathetic, in ways you will never see. So deeply depraved in ways you’ll never see. I want to be good, but I feel like I’ve seen the devil. I am the devil. The reflection I see fills me with wrath, the one who has created all of my problems. The face of whom, by his complacency has mucked his hair with the blood of those he could’ve helped. An antichrist. A monster. The enemy. Me. What a sickening naivety I have to think I could ever be excellent, or worthy. I have failed, sister. Even now I question if I was a good brother. Be honest with yourself and reflect. Was I a good brother, Torri? I love you sister. My best friend. Wise and sharp and diligent and driven. How I ache to know this may hurt you. I was supposed to protect you from pain but I fear this may cause it. Or perhaps you will be indifferent. Either way, by my death I will either be in paradise or my damnation will serve to extol God’s glory by illustrating his perfect justice forever. Love Him foremost.