Hello! I'm 37-38 weeks with my first baby and something I've been experiencing lately is very intense, debilitating pain from trapped gas in my ribs and back. I need advice, any tips and tricks on what to do when this happens. Have other people gone through this, and if so, what worked for you?
It's actually been happening every now and then for a few months now but before, it wasn't this severe and I mostly only felt it between my shoulder blades and due to my hobbies and my physical job, I thought it was normal back pain. Until one day I started having that pain again, and while I was driving home the pressure became suddenly intense enough that I thought it might be something more serious. At that time I didn't know I was lucky because it moved down and subsided within about 10 minutes. The next time it happened I was vomiting and near tears for over thirty minutes. These more intense episodes have happened at least three times since entering the last two months of pregnancy, and the last two episodes were about a week apart. I know for sure it is trapped gas because one of these episodes it happened 15 mins after I foolishly chugged down a can of carbonated water, and the pain didn't subside until I'd gotten sick and had a few burps.
I'm already avoiding carbonation all together, what else does the community recommend? Especially interested in how to help these gas attacks pass while they're happening. Thanks so much!

Race: West Seattle 5k
Location: Seattle, WA
Stretch goal: sub 19:00
A goal: PR (<19:12)
B goal: sub 20:00
C goal: Finish
Time: 19:07
Splits
Mile Split
1 5:50
2 6:12

1. 6:27
   0.1 5:54 (pace)
   

Pre-race
Posted here a few weeks ago for advice on how to balance running and a full time job with a bouncing toddler. Got some really great advice and the general gist was that it is nearly impossible to balance it all until kiddo gets a bit older. I decided to focus on 5ks/10ks for a while, since I don't have time for high mileage and I'm disproportionately better at these distances, so why not enjoy it right?
Having a toddler in daycare, I was sick from early March through the beginning of May with multiple colds and a case of strep. I signed up for a local high school 5k and decided to use it as a fitness test to see where I was at after a crappy couple months of low mileage.
Race The night before the race, I started to get ambitious. My PR was 19:12 and I started thinking maybe sub 19:00 was within reach.
Morning of the race was nothing special. Luckily the race started at 9:30AM, so I didn't need to wake up super early. Woke up around 6:45 and quickly scared down my race morning special of toast with PB, bananas and honey. Realized that we ran out of coffee pods and shared the last cup with my wife. I jokingly told her that if I ended up a few seconds over sub-19, it would be because I gave her half my coffee!
Got to the race and realized the roads were all blocked off within a couple miles of the race. Shoutout out to me for not reading the pre-race info. Thankfully, I planned to arrive a bit early in case something like this happened. Ended up finding parking a few miles a way and decided to bake the run from the car to the start line into my warm-up. Did about 1.5 miles and called it good enough.
The plan was to go out at 6:05 for mile 1 and try to even split. Well, the high school's XC team was leading the pack and I got too ambitious trying to hang with them. When I saw 5:50 after mile 1, I was stoked because it felt hard, but not like I overcooked it too. Sub-19 was looking pretty likely. Decided to take my foot off the gas slightly on mile 2 since I had some time banked. This was an out and back course, and at the turnaround, I quickly realized I was in trouble. There was a STRONG headwind and I started feeling like I was being waterboarded. I eeked out a 6:12 in Mile 2 and started doing the math - if I could hold this pace, sub-19 was in the bag.
My legs were doing okay, but the strong headwind had me gasping hard for air. It was now a mental battle. Everything within me was begging me to stop and walk. I decided to compromise and slow down slightly. I could see sub-19 start slipping away and decided that I needed to go for a PR at this point. My vision start going blurry, but I was less than 400m away from the finish and started to make the final push. So.much.pain.
Almost collapsed at the finish line in 19:07. PR in the bag!
Post-Race
I stuck around for a bit to cheer on other finishers and enjoy my post-race banana and water. Did a nice cool down run back to the car and headed home. My family called to ask the result and were ecstatic for me.
I felt great that, despite a few 10 mile weeks, my fitness was still there! However, the itch to go sub-19 was now ignited within me and I started mapping out my next race. Working on enjoying the moment, though. Really happy to have a new PR, even if just a few seconds.

One of the weirdest changes to coincide with my transfem journey is that my interest in watching movies or tv shows has dried up entirely. I read the occasional novel, watch youtube and listen to podcasts, but film content with a whole production behind it is pretty much over for me. I've been thinking hard about why that might be. What's putting me off of it all? There's probably some politics involved in it, some of it might be that I'm in my 30s. The hunch I'm really running with right now is that it might be something about my relationship with the male gaze in media that's making me too uncomfortable when I try to watch anything.
Now, obviously cis women watch movies and shows. In fact the exchange that started me thinking about this was when a cis friend of mine recommended that I try an anime she liked. She was able to enjoy it in ways I couldn't, and I have a theory why that is. She's felt the impact of the male gaze in media her whole life. She's always had to deal with being a person who's tangential to the intended audience of most mass media. She's had years of practice learning how to find her own fun, how to get value in it that's separate from what the creator intended.
If my hunch is pointing me in the right direction, my problem is that this is a much newer social dynamic to find myself on the other end of. It's only been four years since my egg cracked. I lived for a couple of decades watching stories about fathers and sons, about how men find their strength, and about how men find love. Those were all stories that I thought were about someone like me. Audience surrogacy worked for me with little to no translation. The camera looked at the world the way that I thought I was supposed to look at the world. And that's why they don't work for me anymore, the camera makes me feel dysphoric. It looks where I wouldn't look any more, it devalues some subjects and overvalues other in a way that doesn't feel right to me anymore.
Maybe this is just one of the growing pains that I'm feeling right now. Maybe I'll learn to find my own fun in spite of the intentions of the producers who get media made, but for now the alienation is just too strong. I don't know if I'm getting over this one. I'll just fill my days with novels, with things I've bookmarked on AO3, or recordings from some lgbtq podcaster talking into a mic for hours and hours.

Hi guys, I want to write about my lipo 360. I sort of just jumped into it. I am 39 year old mom of 3. I am 5’7 and always floated around 130-135z after kids I gained literally 30 pounds. I tried every single diet and I got down to 149. Then I began doing jiu jitsu. I gained 15 lbs. albeit a lot of Muscle but even after 3 years of jj and lifting weights 2 times a week. Walking two miles a day I had stubborn stomach fat and no waist at all. I was fortunate enough to never get stretch marks during my pregnancy so I did not need renuvion. Im literally on day 1. I’m in and out of sleep. My muscles feel sore like I did the hardest workout of my life. I can barely walk to be honest.
Day 0 : I nearly changed my mind the night before the doctor called me and eased my mind he also sent me anxiety meds prescription. So I took half a dose bc I never took them before and I didn’t know what I would feel. I still went to bed deciding I’m not doing this tomorrow.
Day 1: I woke up and realize I am doing this and I am strong enough to give birth then I can do something for myself. I got and Uber to the clinic. Things were good I drank lots of electrolytes and had a large breakfast. They took pictures and in the adjacent room was a girl who had hers done and she offered to talk to me. She said she looked amazing she was so happy and she said I would look great and be happy I did it. That really made me feel good.
Now for the surgery. The nurse put me in a room and gave me twilight meds, anti nausea and some other stuff. Then 20 mins later to went into the operating room. The doctor numbed me with a needle which kind of sucked. Then waited a bit and numbed me with a larger strange shape needle all over. I did not feel those. The nurses constantly were there to give me water and apple juice. He then did incisions and put a cannela inside my layers of fat, with a numbing solution. It was a weird pressure but not painful. Then he left for 30 mins to let me numb properly I suppose. He came back and the procedure started. He used a canella that vibrated and at times got warms it didn’t hurt but at moments I feel very uncomfortable and heat I always told him and he adjusted his machine and was very attentive to my requests. After the stomach he turned me over and did my back. It was way less painful for me, I feel just pressure along my rib cage. He diligently worked the areas I could tell. It felt to me he was measuring a bit to get it even. (I already had uneven fat distribution.) also they let me use laughing gas whenever I needed. It made me feel high but not unaware at anytime.
They wheeled me out and I threw up my large breakfast everywhere. The nurses were so sweet and told me it happens all the time and don’t apologize. They then cleaned me and dressed me up in my Compression garment. Now I am home and the anesthesia wore off and I’m painful like I have severe muscle soreness like I worked out in some extreme way. I took Advil and laid down and my kids and husband brought me some food. I feel happy that I did this. I feel proud that I didn’t wuss out. And I am praying or good results. Hopefully I can update this thread but I hope this helps someone else. It is not for the faint of heart you do have to tough out so of the work being done.

Previous Posts
Grayson kept his promise and came over to talk with me. He arrived after classes for both of us were done for the day. It also meant that Cassie was home and this time, she didn’t vanish into her bedroom to give us privacy. She waited until we were both seated in the living room and Titanosaur was settled in Grayson’s lap, thereby preventing him from escaping.
Please don’t read too much into that, as I’ve said before Titanosaur has like three brain cells and will sit in literally anyone’s lap. Our landlady sent her husband over to fix the leaking faucet in the bathroom and Titan was trying to climb in his lap while the poor guy was sitting there with half his body inside of a cabinet.
Then Cassie came over, carrying a chair from the kitchen, and also seated herself with us. I glanced at Grayson. He looked dismayed, but was hiding it well in an effort to be polite. I decided to lean into my non-confrontational side and not ask her to leave.
“You’ve been acting a bit out of character lately,” I began delicately. “As a friend, I’m worried about you.”
“And I’m worried too,” Cassie added. “Maybe you don’t think of me as a friend, but you’ve been hanging out around Ashley enough that I consider you one of mine.”
Huh. I wasn’t expecting that, to be honest. I thought Cassie didn’t like him. I don’t think she was lying, either.
“Have you considered getting grief counseling?” she continued.
Straight to the point. I was glad Cassie was there. My plan was to tiptoe delicately around the subject for what probably would have been another 500 words worth of dialogue here in this post I’m writing up. Fortunately, Cassie’s willingness to address a problem directly saved me the typing and you the tedium.
“Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t,” Grayson said. “The university doesn’t know he’s gone yet.”
“Who is running this place?” Cassie asked in amazement.
I know. We’ve all been thinking it. Turns out the answer is ‘there’s a board’ and they make all the real decisions. The president is just a figurehead. Which is pretty obvious if you stop and think about it. I wanted to ask if the flickering man reported to the board but I also didn’t want to derail the conversation with things that really didn’t matter anymore. It’s safer to just assume the board is the administration I’ve been wondering about this whole time. Heck, it’s safer to assume everyone except for the students and professors are responsible in some part for the whole monster situation.
Sorry for not finding out for certain, but Grayson was working through some important stuff and I didn’t dare interrupt.
“I don’t want counseling, either,” he continued. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I never cared for him. Not in a familial sense. My presence was more to fill a role.”
Things were starting to connect in my head. This conversation reminded me of some things the flickering man had said. Roles to be filled. A cycle, ushering in new students to fill them. They’d been filling the president’s role with a corpse - a very old one, judging by the date on the photo Cassie took of the headstone - so perhaps that wasn’t the only role being filled.
“Were you adopted?” I asked. “By the president?”
“I was.”
Beside me, Cassie took a deep breath. It wasn’t from shock. It sounded more like… annoyance. If I’m being generous with the term.
“The flickering man said something to me,” I said slowly. “That I wasn’t the first person he’d seen like this and I wouldn’t be the last. Are you… not the only child that the president has adopted?”
“...I’m not.”
This is the point where Cassie just lost it. Stood up, yelled ‘why the fuck didn’t you tell us any of this?!’ and stormed out of the room. She slammed the door to her bedroom shut behind her. Grayson and I sat there in the living room for a good minute, stunned, listening to what I’m 99% certain was Cassie screaming into her pillow. Then the door opened and she returned to calmly sit down on the sofa again.
“I’m good,” she said. “All better. Please continue.”
The details of the conversation get a little fuzzy at this point, as it seems that even though the forgetter is gone I’m still having memory issues. Unfortunately Grayson was right - it wasn’t the forgetter that was responsible for my particular variety of memory loss. There’s something else trying to protect Grayson.
I suspect the tree in the graveyard. Its roots have spread all over campus, after all.
Sorry to be so blase about this but it’s not actually that upsetting anymore. It’s just this thing we’re dealing with.
It’s a good thing Cassie was present for the rest of the conversation. She filled me in on the details later, after we’d confirmed that I had some significant gaps. Grayson explained a bit more about the whole adoption thing. He didn’t know who his birth parents were. He’d never been outside of this town and basically grew up on campus. This is all kind of recapping what we already knew or guessed at, but the adoption angle was new at least. I’d assumed that his dad had died and been replaced, which he had, except it wasn’t his dad at all and Grayson’s role as the son was being replaced over and over also.
Which is all kinds of fucked up.
It also means that this has been going on for generations and I think we all know why that’s rather alarming.
“What happened to the previous adopted kids?” I asked once we’d gotten through this rather confusing summary.
“They died.”
There was a heavy silence in the room.
“How?” I asked.
“Well… one drowned. Another suffocated.” He hesitated. “This is kind of why I’m reluctant to tell people I’m the president’s son.”
“Grayson, are you worried someone will try to kill you?” Cassie asked flatly.
“...yeah. I am, actually.”
Screaming into a pillow myself was starting to look pretty tempting.
Now I’m sure you’re all thinking what I was thinking at this point. If the university was just recycling the president’s corpse and finding new children to play the role of their child for… reasons??? then perhaps that was why the flickering man was interested in me. Perhaps I was Grayson’s replacement, as many of you have theorized.
I mean, it seems pretty suspicious. Grayson’s dad is getting his soul replaced on the regular - or at least, he was. Grayson himself is a replacement for prior Graysons but I guess since they don’t need an adult, they’re just grabbing any ol’ kid to fill the role for a while. But the former Graysons keep dying because the inhumans get him? Grayson has a lot of protection on campus but he’s not immune - I’ve watched him get attacked by the steam ghost in particular.
Which leads me to my own theory. If I am a replacement, I don’t fit the mold. Perhaps that’s why the flickering man hated me so much. I’m too old (legal adult yay) and… I’m not a son.
But I wanted to confirm some things.
We wrapped up the conversation with Grayson because we were running out of mental capacity to ask more questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and there was a lot to process. He did promise to not be so difficult about this in the future. He wasn’t really grieving. He was just… uncertain. He didn’t know what to do anymore. Which is fair. When you’re raised to fill a role and suddenly that role is gone it’s hard to adjust.
I know what that feels like.
After Grayson left I messaged Maria asking if she knew anyone that was good with a camera. Like, really good. And also good in high stress situations. She got back to me pretty quickly. Maria is starting to become one of those people who knows everyone. She’s heading firmly down the road of becoming the subject of one of those unhinged tumblr posts where someone magically summons an army of people to fulfill a task, while she stays on the sidelines quietly directing the ever-increasing chaos.
Fortunately, she’s not there quite yet, but she is freakishly well-connected for a campus of this size. Within an hour she had me in a group chat with someone from the Folklore Society who fit all my requirements, even the unspoken ones. Someone that was good with a camera in “hostile circumstances” (her words, very accurate) and wouldn’t cut and run the moment things got a little weird. I think you all see where I was going with this.
Yeah, we were going to get photos of something inhuman.
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
For starters, it’s not safe just getting close to an inhuman to photograph it. And once you do, that opens a whole new set of hazards. If the inhuman takes offense to being photographed, then they’re going to do anything they have to to get the photo destroyed and all rules are off the table when it comes to disguising their existence. Think of it like this - an inhuman might not be able to enter a house due to hospitality rules keeping them out, but this is weighed against their need to keep their presence obscured. The latter wins. Hospitality rules are no longer enough protection.
That’s my understanding, at least.
And sure, there are inhumans that don’t seem to care if a photo or two are leaked to the internet, but you have no way of knowing in advance. Let’s say you get lucky and nothing comes after you to destroy the phone/camera, computer, your social media accounts, and you. You’re not quite off the hook. That photo is a connection to the inhuman and if the creature captured in it doesn’t use it as an access point, something else might.
Photos are just a bad idea all around.
So we agreed that if we were going to go ahead with this stupid plan, we’d do so with as many safety measures as we could. First, the person taking the photo would be fully informed on the potential consequences. I was hoping that they could just teach Maria or I how to use a camera, but considering they were in the inner circle Folklore Society (what I’m calling the folks that know the monsters aren’t just stories) they wanted to come in person. I tried to talk them out of it, they finally made a snarky comment about if I wanted them to sign a waiver, and I dropped the topic.
Secondly, we were going to destroy both the photo and the camera afterwards. I got online and ordered the cheapest digital camera I could find. It was a camera designed for young children so it was pastel pink with teddy bears on it, but whatever, it was digital and didn’t cost over $30. The money from my job at the dining hall has helped with the finances but I didn’t particularly feel like lighting it on fire.
Especially since we planned to literally light the camera on fire when we were done. I wasn’t looking forward to the smell of burning plastic but fire is both a thorough and symbolically traditional way to dispose of things. Like I said, we were trying to do this as safely as we could.
The camera arrived the next day so we decided to go ahead with our plan that evening. Cassie would stay home because we felt having too many people might be a hindrance if we had to bail out. Also, she had “digital date night” with her girlfriend and I didn’t want to interfere.
Then we found a discreet entrance to the steam tunnels.
I wanted a photograph of the steam ghost. It had a face. I wanted to see what that face looked like.
I’d scouted out the steam tunnel entrances beforehand, while waiting for the burner (lol) camera to arrive. Last time I’d looked inside, they were clogged with roots. However, if the roots were originating from the graveyard, then perhaps the parts of campus that were farthest away would be clear enough to traverse. I got lucky and found an entrance inside of one of the dorms that’s out by the parking lot. The lobby is open and from there it’s easy enough to just coast into the stairwell behind someone with a keycard and then down into the basement. There were roots, but they hung from the ceiling as slender tendrils that brushed the top of my head like the faint touch of a moth. I didn’t go far inside. Just enough to confirm it didn’t get any worse and we had a long corridor free of obstruction.
When I came back, I had Maria and the photographer with me.
His name is Jacob and he’s a sophomore. He joined the Folklore Society because he realized he wasn’t making any attempts to be social, at college of all places, and picked a club that seemed like it would be small so he didn’t have to deal with crowds. Large groups of people intimidated him. I can certainly relate to that.
I feel bad for him. Imagine getting caught up in all this bullshit just because you had trouble making friends.
It also occurred to me that this photography excursion was also part of his attempt to make friends, because that’s what landed him in the group that had to hide from the thing in the hallway. Whatever. Maria can deal with that. She’s the extrovert.
“Let’s not forget the plan,” I said nervously as we gathered outside the door. “We get in. We get the photo. We run like hell back out the door.”
I’m happy to say that the plan worked. Every step. Swear to god.
We were about halfway to where the tunnel turned when the steam started to rise out of the ground around us. It seeped through the walls, filling our lungs and making it hard to breathe. The usual. We turned back at that point, as we wanted to be close to the exit so we could snap the photo and run once the steam ghost showed up.
The nice thing about inhumans is that they can be predictable. They have set rules they follow and so long as you follow the prescribed pattern of behavior, you know what to expect. This allows you to plan, as I’d done. So when we loitered within sprinting distance of the door, the steam ghost obliged to show up and chase us off.
Just as expected. And Jacob was ready with our pastel pink camera, so that when its face materialized out of the steam, mouth open in a silent scream and its misty hands stretched towards us, he was able to snap a photo.
Then we ran and reached the door before it caught up.
See? Exactly as planned.
There’s one more rule we learned about though. One that I’d forgotten to factor in for this crucial moment.
The doors in the steam tunnels don’t always open to the same place.
We tumbled through without thinking. I, pulling up the rear, had a moment of hesitation when I saw nothing but darkness ahead of me, but it was too late, I was in a full sprint and besides, Maria had already stumbled through the doorway. I slammed into Jacob’s back, propelling him the few steps he needed to be past the doorway, and then we were all through and the door slammed shut behind us.
The air was warm and damp. The steam tunnels, while warm, aren’t damp unless the steam ghost is present. This felt like being inside of a sauna. I could feel water beads forming on my arms, clinging to the hairs that were currently standing on end in alarm. There was a faint breeze coming from ahead of us, a slowly rhythmic flow to it like a fan. It did nothing to alleviate the heat. If anything, it was even warmer.
Maria turned her phone’s flashlight on.
We were in a corridor, much the same size as the tunnel we’d just escaped. The walls glistened with moisture, shining with the gray-pink color of rotting beef. There were no sharp angles, just a round passageway that vanished into darkness at the edge of Maria’s flashlight beam. The floor beneath our feet was slightly squishy.
And it was full of teeth.
Honestly I think I would have preferred sharp teeth, like an animal’s fangs or something out of science fiction. Instead, we got human incisors, circling the entirety of the tunnel in regular intervals.
The tunnel rippled. There was a faint gurgling sound, like the rumbling of a stomach twisting in hunger. And those rows of teeth began to tighten as the tunnel constricted around us.
“STEAM GHOST,” Maria yelled. “I CHOOSE THE STEAM GHOST.”
And she threw the door behind us open and dove back into the tunnel. Jacob grabbed my arm and dragged me along with him, as I was frozen in fear, staring at all those glistening ivory teeth. I stumbled over the doorframe and fell forwards, hitting the cement floor hard on all fours. I heard the door slam shut behind me. Frantically, I looked up at the tunnel.
No ghost. But the steam was still there, hanging heavy in the air and filling my lungs. The ghost would be back. I was certain of that.
“What now?!” Jacob asked, his earlier calm quickly giving way to panic.
“Try the door again!” I said, scrambling to my feet. “It changes!”
Maria spun around and opened the door a sliver for the second time, just enough to peer through the crack and confirm what was on the other side.
“FUCK.”
Then she slammed it shut. Opened it. Another burst of profanity, slightly more panicked than the last explicative. Meanwhile, Jacob and I cowered at her back, staring at the steam that hung thick in the air all around us, waiting to see if it was going to reform into a malevolent spirit while Maria played Russian roulette with the door.
She did this five times before she finally got the dorm we’d entered through.
Flushed and panting, we stumbled through and Jacob kicked the door to the steam tunnels shut with a determined flourish. There. We’d done it. As I’d said, our plan went perfectly. We got the photo and ran like hell to the door.
Didn’t plan on what happened after we went through the door. This is my lack of attention to detail coming into play, which is probably what also made me a shitty barista.
We crowded around Jacob to see the photo he got. This is why we recruited someone with actual photography skills. He was able to use a truly shitty camera intended for toddlers to somehow focus on a literal ghost’s face in the handful of seconds we had before it reached us, all while not panicking.
Staring at us from the tiny screen was a person’s face. Not a face made of steam. An actual flesh and blood human face. The rest of the shot was obscured by steam, framing it so that all we could see was this disembodied human face staring out at us from the camera’s digital screen. The expression was placid, the eyes hollow and devoid of emotion.
I’d seen this look before, on the library ghost. This distant stare of something that wasn’t wholly here.
“That is… really creepy,” Jacob said.
“We just escaped a hallway full of teeth and this is what you find creepy?” I said.
“No, that was creepy too. I can be terrified by multiple things at once.”
We all stared at the photo for a good few minutes, trying to commit the face to memory because we were not going to retain any copies of it. Then Jacob deleted the photo, handed me the camera, and we awkwardly went our separate ways.
I got out my phone as soon as we’d all walked off. My theory was looking plausible, but there was one more thing I could do to confirm I was on the right track.
I texted Grayson. I asked him if the children before him, the ones the president adopted, were all male.
They were.
The library ghost. The stabbed student. And now… the steam ghost.
All former students. All male. All trapped on campus after their deaths.
And for at least two of them, they seemed to have something against Grayson.
They don’t like Grayson because he replaced them.

context: i have undiagnosed mental illnesses (suspected bpd, depression and anxiety but unable to get diagnosed due to a lack of resources) & childhood trauma. I am fully aware that this does not validate anything.
i’m still a teenager, 2 years younger than my (ex) boyfriend.
he broke up with me out of the blue. it was a really messy breakup — we would break no contact to touch, and i consented to it despite knowing it was mostly hormone-driven.
he had a lot of pressure to break up with me from all sides of his life, and he started disliking me more and more as a person.
he was my best friend before we dated, which makes this much harder.
now, after we broke up, i started acting out like never before. i refused to go somewhere with him, so he went with someone he explicitly knew i disliked instead. the way he threw his head back while laughing with him, if fuelled a rage in me. i simply couldn’t stand it anymore. i couldn’t wrap my head around why he wouldn’t come with me, and instead went with someone i already disliked.
i went to find him and grabbed him by the arm, pulling him forcefully away from the person that i disliked. i then screamed at him loudly, and my anger took control.
past this point, i couldn’t even recognise myself anymore. we were at an isolated corner, and i remember throwing my pen at him (unintentionally, i meant for it to hit the floor) and i’m not sure if i did anything else, but i genuinely hope i didn’t.
he told me it was assault and i never intended it to be. i am so filled with guilt.
he told me that we could be a couple for the last week, but he called it off and i can totally understand why.
note that the reason i was so ticked off was because of the pain that i felt from him suddenly leaving me without any sort of closure — he saved me from suicide, made me so much happier for the first time in my life, made me comfortable in the body that i struggled so hard to love. being with him felt so so so refreshing — and the fact that i had to no closure to a relationship he seemed to enjoy hurt me beyond words.
other examples of how this further exacerbated my mental illnesses: - in his words, i “mentally regressed to a nine year old”, creating a reality in my head where we were still together (i drew stick man figures of us together, posted on my account our old pictures, captioning “i love you baby” etc.) - couldn’t get out of bed, cried for days and still stuck in a reality where we’re still in love - panic attacks, anxiety attacks, mental breakdowns
i’m at a loss now, losing him made me such a terrible person and i’m still living for the hope that he’ll like me again even when i know it’s not going to happen
in the mean time, this was a wake up call. i am someone who is unable to keep their emotions under control. i need help and i am seeking help.

I played wizard101 when I was younger and always loved the graphic style and open world MMO aspect. Eventually I got bored of it (I don’t think grew out of its the right term but it just felt a little too simple after a while). So I moved on to other games. I’ve flip flopped between ESO, black desert, Diablo and such but I always end up dropping it because it doesn’t scratch that itch I got from wizard101
This game though. Man, I can’t believe I held off so long. I feel like the whole subscription service idea always rubbed me the wrong way so I never really got into it. I’m really glad I have got into it now.
I’ve been dealing with a real rough patch in my life with health issues and my mother having surgery. Haven’t been working or going to school because I am getting so much testing done for my health and taking care of my mother. Essentially just trying to find a diagnose so I can’t be treated. Haven’t been playing any videos games or really enjoying anything for that matter because of the sudden depression and anxiety from everything going on.
Running around with other people exploring and doing the quests have just given me a joy I haven’t felt it a little while now. I started today and have like 5 hours in. I can’t remember the last time I’ve sat down for hours truly engrossed in a game since I’ve been dealing with my health issues. Let alone in general
If you guys have any tips for a new player I would greatly appreciate it. Made a couple character trying to figure out what I want to invest in. I just ust wanted to post this. :)

 The necropolis was gorgeous, for what it was. Its white outer walls hiding the darker Victorian Gothic interior. The tech that was hidden in the walls though was able to move bodies in their caskets from a designated place in the necropolis to the "viewing area" as the necropolians called it. This was where I waited for my, for lack of a better term, escort to take me to the mortuary. Since science has grown surprisingly fast our abilities for forensic sciences have also grown, and that's to whom I was headed. (S)He was an, unusual (wo)man to say the least. An expert in their field and about as learned as a doctor, if not multi-doctorate. If you ever asked them why they never pursued an actual doctorate, they would get angry and act all prissy while saying that going to school would've slowed them down and all they needed were the basic certificates for their work. The reality though, revealed to me during a drunken bout, they just never liked school and believed that it ultimately stunted a person's growth and ability to question the reality around them, that everything that you need to learn is already in books and in some form or another in digital content online. They were brilliant, if a little wacky. About five minutes after I had arrived and was sitting down in the viewing area, a little box rolled up to me making a couple of beeps to let me know to follow it and immediately started rolling towards the wall opposite of where it came from. When it looked like it was about to hit the wall, a hidden door opened up by the casket viewer, inside was a set of stairs leading down into the darkness. Stepping through the doorway I became acutely aware of sounds seemingly coming from all around me suddenly. It really is impressive, as though I just stepped from a tomb to a busy workshop, the sounds of gas escaping pistons, whirring, and clanking chains flooded my ears. I continued down the stairs following my helpful little box, which despite its size and shape would suggest was actually quite nimble on the stairs. It seemed to have wheels that would extend down to the next step as the edge rolled over it and once the back of the box was clear of the step it would drop back into its squat position, hiding its wheels as quickly as possible. It continued to do so the entire way. The box seemed to notice me watching it and made a kinda shrill whistle and its undercarriage light went from a comfortable yellow to a, is that... Peach? Is it blushing? My god I think it is! I let out a small chuckle and my little blushing box stopped dead in its tracks mid-step, its light suddenly going white, almost blinding me from behind and lighting up the hallway for a split second. Luckily both of my feet were solidly on a step so I didn't take a tumble or anything, but I couldn't help doing anything but laughing harder. 

After a second the little box crept up behind me and continued down, its status light continuing to show pinkish. I followed it slowly, the chuckle slowly dying in my throat as we reached Ceriths office. Well "office" was being nice. Morgue, mortuary, both of these fit just as well. Cerith was, for the most part, a recluse. We reached the door and the little robot continued through a little hole in the wall. I waited a second and knocked. "Enter!" Came the voice on the other side. I opened the door and stepped through. Along one wall set doors that normally housed the dead waiting to be processed. One out of dozens were open, its occupant missing from its silver slab. The middle of the room was brightly lit from a single overhead light. In the middle of the circle of light stood a figure, long Raven colored hair bound in a single braided ponytail, the rest of them bound in medical examination garb. They seemed to be engrossed in the corpse in front of them. The little robot rolled up next to Ceriths feet and made a little chiming noise. "Thank you Tabitha. That'll be all," said a voice that was neither male nor female from beneath the mask. Just sort of in the middle. "Tabitha? Never knew you to be sentimental," I said gently, the chuckle in my voice making itself clear. "I see you still find even the darkest things funny," Cerith quipped back. "My line of work Cer, you take the laughs where you get them. Look who's talking anyway, you're usually elbows deep inside someone 25/8. Even you have a seriously fucked up sense of humor." That got Cerith laughing, sounding like thunder and the whip crack of lightning at the same time. "You've got me there Julius," Cerith said after his laughter subsided. I think he suits him today. Which is both a good and bad sign. When Cerith is acting like a man, it usually means some grim news, but they are going to try to make it seem like not a big deal and laugh a lot. Plus they almost never call me Julius. Something was wrong. Very seriously wrong. As this realization hit me I got this odd tingle in the small of my back. Like someone had put several freezing needles under the skin and into my spine, something I'm familiar with from the anima-games from the cyber sphere. Halos: Divine Retribution If I remember right. Those Angels were sadistic bastards. I shuddered at both the memories from the game and the shockingly similar feeling I was experiencing. Dread, that feeling is dread my friend, the quiet part of my mind whispered to me. "Cer, what's wrong bud," I asked. He didn't say anything. For a long time. After a few minutes I was about to ask again, but then he spoke. And what came out will haunt me, quite possibly till the day I die. "This ones temporal lobes are gray matter. Nothing even close to being coherent. Just. Dead neurons. And he's not the first." Gone was the jovialness of the past ten minutes. This was Cerith the whisperer. In an almost dead tone they continued, "the others didn't fare nearly as well as this one. Most of the brain is intact here, which means that if they didn't deliver a massive shock or something similar to fully kill him he would have possibly lived as a vegetable with memory issues, but that's not what I'm looking for in this one here now. Now I'm trying to figure out what else the others had in common with him, and so far that's brought up all but naught. Well this one has a bit of liver damage. But that's about it. So Mr John was a drinker. Not much there." When Cerith is "whispering" the best thing to do is just let him be. But I couldn't help but prick my ears up at mentions of others with similar wounds, and the fact that this one had liver issues.... "Cer. You said... CERITH," I finally snapped out and caught his attention mid ramble. "Thank you. You said liver problems. But nothing similar to the others? No drugs? Alcohol? Not even a synth brain-pattern? You checked Everything?" "Well let's see, John here was a drinker that's for sure," Cerith said his hands never ceasing their work as he started to put 'John' back together seemingly satisfied that he found nothing else, " Mr Lombardo in chest 3 had cocaine mostly, and Mr Lei in chest 9 had opium. Although to tell you where it came from for both I'd have to do a molecular analysis and see what it compares to. Other than that, no. Absolutely nothing connecting any of them. As far as I can tell they are all unique cases completely separate from each other except for the damages to the brain. And I only found this by accident. During a routine scan I happened to look at the screen as it passed through the brain and noticed an odd density in his temporal lobes. Just slightly higher than normal. Hell to be honest with you it had the density of a fresh cutie, you know those little oranges?" I nodded, and he continued, "Right of course you do, who hasn't? Anyways it's just super dense compared to the surrounding tissues, and I take a sliver probe and drop it in like you do. And when I turn the damn thing on to look at the neurons the area all I see are dead cells packed on top of one another. Not natural decay death, but forced to die. Most of the cell walls were torn open like they had blown up from the INSIDE. That's when I called you." He finished up with 'John' putting the final few perfect stitches in place and sealing him up for good. Once he seemed happy with his work he called out to his seemingly empty morgue, "Grom I'm done! Can you put Mr John Doe here back in his room? Number 11 if you please." He turned away from the body on the table and removed the giant rubber gloves that went to his elbows. He walked into the dark calling out over his shoulder, "I'll be back in a sec I gotta scrub out, want a drink? I have beer, whiskey, vodka, I might have some Cognac somewhere, and bourbon. Your choice, just call out what you want and Tabitha will be there with it. Also have a seat! We have much to discuss." With that he disappeared from both sight and sound in the dark. It was a neat trick I have to admit, and it had something to do with how he had his morgue set up. Even the giant war machine that was Grom was absolutely quiet unless you managed to catch him through the gloom. I thought for the longest time the reason why I could never catch him sneaking around was from some sort of stealth program put into place, but when he goes up and down those stairs he's as loud as can be. So it was definitely not his program but the way the morgue was built. I'm confident in saying that because when I turned back to look at the table, or rather where it was, there was now a chair that looked like it had just grown out of the floor and the body was gone. Also the thought of something as big as a fridge just sneaking up on some poor combatants and snapping their necks as quietly as he walks in the morgue just gives me the heebies. As I sat in the chair a thought occurred to me. Considering how advanced the morgue seemed to be it would make sense that it had some sort of AI or integrated computer. "Computer?" I had been here a million times but I'd never had a chance to think about it nor try anything. But not even a second after I had said anything a response came. "Yes Detective Julius. My name is DANNA. Or Dynamically Actualized Neural Net AI. How can I be of service?" The voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere, slightly feminine and breathy, all service but no sex. Honestly I was just surprised that it worked. "DANNA, I was just wondering if I could take a look at the files that Cerith had mentioned? If it is as bad as they claim I think I might need to know anyway. Also if you can get those blood works done for me I'd appreciate it. Also something with whiskey or rum would be amazing." "Of course Detective. I will have Tabitha bring it shortly. And how would you like the information to be displayed? Desktop or dynamic?" That piqued my interest. "Dynamic please." No sooner than I had said a series of screens blinked into existence in front of me. It was some sort of Holographic display. I reached out and touched the display and was surprised that I got stopped by something. It was hard but surprisingly I found that I could push into the screen with my finger if I pushed hard enough. It kinda felt like... Oobleck. I also found that by pinching the corner I could pull the screens closer or further from me. I even found that I could grab individual pages of the reports off the screen and hold it. It felt like a thin sheet of plastic and responded like both a tablet and a singular document. If I switched pages the old one would appear back onto the screen and the next would pop onto it. This was about as slick a set up as I had ever seen and whistled my appreciation under my breath, I'm definitely going to have to ask Cerith about where they got DANNA from. "See something you like, big boy?" A very DEFINITELY female voice said in my ear from behind, soft and throaty, screaming come hither. I felt small dainty hands gently caress the tops of my shoulders before slipping down the front of my chest, pulling me back into the chair that I didn't realize I had been slouching in. "You know better than that, Jules. Your back is important and slouching will destroy the muscles and cause some to atrophy." The voice left no room for argument, and left me more than a little bit flushed. I closed my eyes and dropped my head back as far as it would go, the back of my head hitting something soft and warm, stretching my neck and back out. "Damnit Cer I thought you were scrubbing out, not completely changing." I hadn't realized it, but at least an hour had passed from when I started playing with the computer and working with the files if the clock on the computer was to be believed. "You looked like you were pretty into it so I decided not to disturb you. Plus you know how much fun it is for me to tease you like this. Especially after, well these..." One hand waved at the screens in front of me. The small hands' nails were painted the darkest black and almost made them blend into the void that existed outside of the screens. "I do Cer, and that's part of the problem, we both know that it's never going to happen. Least of all for you." She laughed a little, a clear beautiful sound and the body beneath my head bounced slightly telling me I was against her stomach. "Still I know you enjoy these little moments," she said, the pressure on the back of my head disappearing and was replaced by the voice right by my ear again as she whispered, "especially when we both know that's not at all true." At the last words she nibbled my ear gently. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at her, in spite of my baser instinct rising to meet her VERY juicy insinuations. But for as long as I've known Cerith and as many times as we have both been VERY drunk, they have NEVER cashed in. I just assumed that it was a quirk of theirs. "Anyways," she said standing back up, "what are you thinking so far about the files? Spooky, right? Like I said, nothing that I can see connects them." Her hands gestured in front of me in an approximation of a shrug. She then clasped them together, wringing the knuckles and effectively trapping me in the chair and back against her abdomen. I scrubbed my eyes with my fingertips acutely aware of the growing headache that suddenly made itself known. "Your right from the medical side. I can't see everything you can, of course. I don't have near the knowledge that you have," which is true being that Cerith is at least 200 years old. I never asked directly, the old adage still holding about women and their age. Still though her answers to certain questions would lead one to believe her being her first adult car was a Bing Cherry 2201 Firebird GT with white walled hover trim and chrome accents. From pictures that I could find it looked like a slick piece. Looking back to the screens I couldn't help but feel that itch again. I couldn't explain it. That prickly feeling of ice needles again, this time in the back of my skull. As much as I'd hate to admit it. I think Cerith is right. I sighed heavily before saying "send me everything. I'll open a new case file and have the team start working on it first thing." She made a happy noise and bounced slightly, clearly satisfied with my decision to take it on. I reached out and to my left and a glass was placed gently into my hand by Tabitha. I hadn't even realized she had come over while I was working and was now ready for that drink. Room temperature rum and cola. The drink went down smoothly enough considering I drained the glass in one gulp, during which time I finally got a good eyeful of Ceriths current form. Or rather the underside of part of it. From what I could tell she was wearing a black T-shirt. That was it. I put the glass back down, it's job done without moving my head and said, "What a lovely view Cerith. I'm guessing you chose this to try to get a rise out of me?" I couldn't lie though it was affecting me, but I couldn't let her know that. Not when she's like this. Otherwise she'll continue to tease me till she leaves me with the absolute worst case of blue balls this side of the City. Her hands came up and cupped my chin almost lovingly, and her voice said "Of course Detective. Do you not approve? Or would you rather I change back to my medical examination form? Or something else?" Her words dripped with implied sex. I groaned, loudly, and said, "This is fine. Jesus Cer." Before we could continue our most scintillating of conversations there was a sudden PING! And DANNA said, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but there's a message for you Cerith. It says 'If you can get to the department Cerith, do so. We need you to explain your paperwork. And if Detective Julius is still with you have him come in too.' signed the Chief. Would you like to reply?" 'Shit, I forgot the morgue kills all signals,' I thought to myself as I stood up gently (regretfully) prying myself from Ceriths grasp with a, "duty calls. Need a lift?" I stretched gently, the scales in between my shoulders clicking appreciatively for the stretch, and turned around to notice she was indeed, just wearing a black T-shirt that hugged her voluptuous figure closely. The scales in my back clicked shut in surprise. Cerith let out a small cute chuckle, "I see after all this time I can still surprise you," she said blowing a kiss my way, reminding me of a little Gothic pixy. I rolled my eyes away from her and willed my scales to relax. I grabbed my jacket off the back of the chair, slinging it on and clicking the neck clasp shut under the cord that connected my scales to the unit in my head. I was awarded the cybernetics upon completing my training and getting all my licenses to have them. The force had allowed me to customize it, I had chosen top of the line. A dual unit with custom built AI. The individual scales were ceracoated titanium microprocessors all running in both series and parallel, and could move to expel heat or react. The main unit was the same except it was one solid unit that replaced a chunk of skull. Once that was done I zipped up the front of the leathers and ran the scales through the racer setting. They clicked and flattened against the outside of the jacket, securing it to my back. I shrugged making sure it was comfortable. "I'll take the fact that you're only in a t-shirt you'll be along shortly?" "Certainly detective." Her voice was filled with dismissive submission... And sadness? I looked back at her and noticed her makeup was gone. Or had she had any on in the first place? I gave myself a mental shake. There's no way. This was Cerith, veritable goddess of the necropolis. I put the last few minutes away for review later. Chief called. I have to go. On an instinct I thought long dead, I reached out and squeezed her hand. I felt a slight squeeze back. And then she let go with a, "Go on, be a good detective. I'll be along shortly." I left with Tabitha as my guide. Before Cerith disappeared into the darkness I thought I heard her whisper, "please don't leave." My scales raised in a saddened response. I couldn't be sure I heard her right though. If I heard her at all. I reached back and stroked them, knowing my ai probably heard her, and knowing it could feel me touch the scales. After a few seconds the scales settled down. 'I know buddy,' I thought to the AI. It couldn't respond like usual AI. The force thought that was too dangerous. What if it went rogue? What if it tried to kill the host and take over? The list went on and eventually they decided the basics were ok. When I got my unit one of the first things I did was jack it into a diagnostic to see what kind of hardware I was dealing with exactly because manufacturer specs from real use are sometimes different with AI if the bits and bobs are in place. When I did, all I got on the screen was 'Hello?'

My girlfriend(32F) and I(31M) are in a long distance relationship since a year and a half. We’re both in different countries, we met through a dating app. When we stumbled upon each other, she had just broken up with her ex for about 6 months and was healing from a toxic relationship. Her ex was emotionally abusive and It took a toll on her and she started to question her self confidence. She went through therapy but discontinued shortly as became expensive.
As we began our relationship, we set things straight that we were purely going to get to know each other and become good friends first and then see where it takes us. As we got to know each other more, I started to fall for her and I saw her as the most precious human, still do! She’s got amazing qualities, she’s super funny, she’s kind, she’s the sweetest to literally everyone, she’s got a beautiful heart and soul, she’s sexy and whatnot. But we decided we were not going to say “I love you” until we meet in person.
During this time of us getting to know each other, she told me that she didn’t find me attractive physically and we don’t have an emotional connection like how she does with a few of her friends. And we convinced each other that it’ll take time for all that as we’re still getting to know each other. She used to make fun of how I laugh all the time when I’m talking to her, she’d make fun of the way I talk, the way I eat, the way I dance or sing( which I understand, I suck) but I used to send her pictures and videos of me singing and dancing for her while I was thinking of her. She used to make fun of those too and asked me not to do anything “extra” and just myself. That was me being myself and I felt that she didn’t like it, so I stopped it all.
She told me that her ex and all her ex boyfriends were charming and had a great personality. And it made me feel a little low thinking that maybe she doesn’t find me charming. Maybe I wasn’t her type, but she used to tell me that I’ve made her feel so comfortable that she can be herself around me and she likes that a lot. And she told me that this is helping her heal from her past as she felt that she wasn’t able to be herself in her past relationship before me. I felt good and I wanted to make her feel more comfortable, so, when the time is right, she’ll feel things for me.
She once mentioned that her friend and her were laughing about how they’re not into guys who are inexperienced and they would never want to get into a relationship with a virgin. Me, being a virgin, I told her I’d been with 3 partners and have had s*x because again, because of what she said earlier, I got scared and lied. I shouldn’t have. I was in three other relationships(each not lasting more than 2yrs) but never had sex because I wanted to have sex with the one with whom I’d be certain I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. I never felt that way with any of my exes and never had sex but did other stuff.
While her on the other hand, has had a quite a few hookups, friends with benefit with 1 guy, and had sex with all 4 other partners from her long relationships( each 3 year long). This was all before meeting me and I told her it’s good that she was experienced and I’ll probably get to learn from her experience.
6 months into the relationship, she had come down to my country and we spent 2 days together. I really wanted to hug her so badly and kiss her. But when we hugged, she said she didn’t feel any butterflies and it was awkward. This made me feel really low, but I told myself that she’s probably still healing from her past and it may take time for her corn around and open her heart for me. Never kissed. She asked me for a kiss after our “awkward hug” but I was scared that if we kissed and if she didn’t feel anything, she’d end things between us.
We met again 3 months down the road, this time we spent a solid 10 days together. I was really excited and I thought by now, she’d be comfortable around me and probably have feelings for me. She said she did. And by this time, she told me she loves me for the first time. And I truly believed it. We kissed for the first time, we made out a little and it was all good. But didn’t have sex, while we were foreplaying, she asked me to put it in and I wanted to but my dck in but it wouldn’t turn on. I never had a problem with my dck not working while masturbating, I used to imagine doing a lot of sexy things with my girlfriend.
Mentally, I was under a lot of pressure, that she has had amazing sex from her ex partners and what if I disappoint her. She did tell me that in her previous relationship, she had orgasmed 7 times in 24 hrs. I tried to not think of it, but subconsciously, I wanted to be good too, make her feel good and I wanted to make her feel satisfied. Anyways, when she asked me what was wrong, I told her that I was a virgin and she said it was okay, I shouldn’t have lied to her, she comforted me saying we can have sex later when I’m comfortable and wanted to make it special.
I felt supported and safe. It was good. I regretted not telling her earlier. During this meet, though we kissed not more than 15seconds, foreplayed a little, she was not comfortable with me touching her tummy, touch her bum, or even take a look at her p*ssy. I was fine with it, I understood that it may be because of her insecurities and I kept praising her how hot she was and how much I find her sexy.
This trip ended and we met again 4 months down the line, only for 5 days but we couro spend the time together only for 2 days. We hugged and she again, said the hug was awkward. We kissed, but never made out more than 15seconds, I was playing around with her body and this time she let me kiss her tummy and bum. But didn’t let me take a look her p*ssy and I was still fine. I understood her that she needs more time to be physically comfortable.
She went back and after a couple of months, I asked her why she used to push me away while we were kissing. Even during our hugs, I wanted to hug her tightly, but she used to tap out 5 seconds into the hug. She said it was because it was summer, it was too hot. Then later, she told me that those were intimate things and it takes time for her to be intimate with her partner. I tried to understand.
TL/ DR - What bothers me is, while she had her hookups, friends with benefit stuff, she was with a stranger and she would let them touch her anywhere in the body, she’d let them kiss her, make out with her for as long as they want, she’d let them look at her whole body while they were having sex, but not me. I’ve made it clear with her multiple times that I’m here for good and I want her to my life partner and that I love her, and yet, she’s not comfortable with me even after 1.5 years of our relationship but she has been comfortable with strangers whom she had just met.
It makes me think, that she either find me unattractive or she doesn’t look at me that way, yet. She tells me that she loves me, she finds me attractive and wants to get married to me, but I’m not able to trust her words because of her actions when we were together in person.
I love her to the moon, she is my freaking moon. But I don’t know if there’s something wrong with my thinking, maybe she doesn’t find me sexy, maybe doesn’t see me as a bad boy like her exes.
I mean, I know things will get better as we close the distance in 1 year when I move to her country but right now; I’m finding it very difficult to process the fact that she’s not comfortable with me physically even after all this time, but she’s so comfortable to kiss, make out or have s*x with a stranger.
Super Sorry for the long read. Please give me your honest insights.

So I tried watching a film, I think good will hunting?? last night and I got tired and turned it off and sat my laptop by my bed. I fell asleep and had a few different strange dreams, one where it felt like my body was being stretched as if I was lying flat on a treadmill and I was being dragged along.
I thought that maybe I had fallen off the bed when I woke up but I hadn't, and I also had not waken up. I opened my eyes and I seemed to look everywhere around the room apart from right infront of me where stood a tall shadow, I could only really make out what he was wearing below the waist (dark jeans?) but it seemed to me as if he had glowing eyes, I couldn't look directly up at him so I wasn't sure.
Then this siren sound started to go off, it was blaring loud. I realised in the morning it was a sound from Voodoo People by the Prodigy (around the 3:45 mark), it had been playing a lot on the radio in work the day prior. I think now maybe it was my subconscious trying to wake the rest of my body up.
Of course while I was dreaming I wasn't aware of that so I thought the devil had come to get me.
The figure stood there for what seemed like a few minutes, the noise kept playing over and over again, lights were turning on outside my room, I just felt like more things were coming, I tried to scream or move but couldn't do either - when all of a sudden I woke up.
Or at least I thought I had, all the terrors were gone, I went down to grab my laptop and opened the screen when-
I woke up again, hadn't done any of that, just dreamt that I had, was very confused, went down to grab my laptop again, and opened the screen-
Woke up again, at this point I wasn't sure if I actually had woken up or not as I had a heavy fatigue but I done everything I had before and voila I actually was awake.
The strangest thing was, I went to asleep around 2:30am, the time was now 3am.
Lowkey found it very fun, don't want to try again anytime soon tho

My ex (18m) and I (17nb) got into an argument a few days ago, and and here's why. Around 3 months ago, I left a server with my friends in it because they had been talking over me and interrupting me constantly to the point where I could barely speak. There was someone who did it more than anyone else, let's call her H (17f). I know I could've reached out in pms and talked to H about my problems, but I figured it wouldn't exactly go well if when I tried to speak up about it or anything in a vc in the server, I was outright ignored. I got angry here and there and ranted to my boyfriend who said it was ok. As months went by, I got frustrated that after I had left due to not being heard, nobody reached out to check up. I made a vent on my Insta story. I didn't say any names or anything hateful, but said that if they were reading it, to not reach out. I unadded everyone, but H's partner was curious why I presumably had blocked them on discord. I reached out to H and told her that I never blocked anyone, just unadded them. It was a calm discussion before H blew up at me about my Instagram story, when we weren't even near the subject. I'll spare the gory details, but she basically said that my boyfriend (we'll call V) had told her all about my vents and she thought I had hated her. I talked with V and he told me that when I left the server, he told her immediately the reason, and as months passed, he expressed fear in talking with his friends because I didn't like them, and he was scared about how I'd react. He didn't even tell me until several days after he brought it up in the server. From then, he basically only told them about when I was angry or with things that he could've talked to me about instead of them. I, clearly, got very upset at him, but I didn't say anything hurtful, I just said that what he did was a breach of privacy and was hurtful. 3 days go by and he asks to talk about something important, so we call, and he says he wants to break up with me. Something I should mention is my mental health in the past few months has been at an steady decline and I've been dealing with severe depression, which V knew about. Not to say he didn't have any mental issues, but being told all those personal and hurtful things by a close friend who thinks I'm an awful person just before this hurt. V said he didn't have the energy to waste on a relationship (11 months) anymore. I asked if we needed a break, which he replied "No." The past few days, I've gone through so many emotions, and I snapped at him. We got into an argument, because I tried to see if we could fix whatever is wrong with the relationship, but he said "it felt like I cared more about fixing things then his feelings." Sparing gory details again, we won't be talking again. I don't know what to think because I've been told by people who I trust that I didn't do anything wrong, I just reacted to someone who chose a friend group over me with anger, but I can't set things right in my head. Aita?
Also, this hopefully won't be getting any updates, because everyone involved in this doesn't respect my word anymore. I'm just making this post to get an outside view.
And one last thing, I'm not upset that V ended the relationship. It hurt, but if one side decides they don't want the relationship anymore, there's nothing to do but accept it, but he and I weren't even angry at eachother, and he suddenly said he can't do it anymore. Just this morning, he told me he was planning on getting back with me later, when I also asked that specifically early on, which he also replied no with.

My girlfriend(32F) and I(31M) are in a long distance relationship since a year and a half. We’re both in different countries, we met through a dating app. When we stumbled upon each other, she had just broken up with her ex for about 6 months and was healing from a toxic relationship. Her ex was emotionally abusive and It took a toll on her and she started to question her self confidence. She went through therapy but discontinued shortly as became expensive.
As we began our relationship, we set things straight that we were purely going to get to know each other and become good friends first and then see where it takes us. As we got to know each other more, I started to fall for her and I saw her as the most precious human, still do! She’s got amazing qualities, she’s super funny, she’s kind, she’s the sweetest to literally everyone, she’s got a beautiful heart and soul, she’s sexy and whatnot. But we decided we were not going to say “I love you” until we meet in person.
During this time of us getting to know each other, she told me that she didn’t find me attractive physically and we don’t have an emotional connection like how she does with a few of her friends. And we convinced each other that it’ll take time for all that as we’re still getting to know each other. She used to make fun of how I laugh all the time when I’m talking to her, she’d make fun of the way I talk, the way I eat, the way I dance or sing( which I understand, I suck) but I used to send her pictures and videos of me singing and dancing for her while I was thinking of her. She used to make fun of those too and asked me not to do anything “extra” and just myself. That was me being myself and I felt that she didn’t like it, so I stopped it all.
She told me that her ex and all her ex boyfriends were charming and had a great personality. And it made me feel a little low thinking that maybe she doesn’t find me charming. Maybe I wasn’t her type, but she used to tell me that I’ve made her feel so comfortable that she can be herself around me and she likes that a lot. And she told me that this is helping her heal from her past as she felt that she wasn’t able to be herself in her past relationship before me. I felt good and I wanted to make her feel more comfortable, so, when the time is right, she’ll feel things for me.
She once mentioned that her friend and her were laughing about how they’re not into guys who are inexperienced and they would never want to get into a relationship with a virgin. Me, being a virgin, I told her I’d been with 3 partners and have had s*x because again, because of what she said earlier, I got scared and lied. I shouldn’t have. I was in three other relationships(each not lasting more than 2yrs) but never had sex because I wanted to have sex with the one with whom I’d be certain I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. I never felt that way with any of my exes and never had sex but did other stuff.
While her on the other hand, has had a quite a few hookups, friends with benefit with 1 guy, and had sex with all 4 other partners from her long relationships( each 3 year long). This was all before meeting me and I told her it’s good that she was experienced and I’ll probably get to learn from her experience.
6 months into the relationship, she had come down to my country and we spent 2 days together. I really wanted to hug her so badly and kiss her. But when we hugged, she said she didn’t feel any butterflies and it was awkward. This made me feel really low, but I told myself that she’s probably still healing from her past and it may take time for her corn around and open her heart for me. Never kissed. She asked me for a kiss after our “awkward hug” but I was scared that if we kissed and if she didn’t feel anything, she’d end things between us.
We met again 3 months down the road, this time we spent a solid 10 days together. I was really excited and I thought by now, she’d be comfortable around me and probably have feelings for me. She said she did. And by this time, she told me she loves me for the first time. And I truly believed it. We kissed for the first time, we made out a little and it was all good. But didn’t have sex, while we were foreplaying, she asked me to put it in and I wanted to but my dck in but it wouldn’t turn on. I never had a problem with my dck not working while masturbating, I used to imagine doing a lot of sexy things with my girlfriend.
Mentally, I was under a lot of pressure, that she has had amazing sex from her ex partners and what if I disappoint her. She did tell me that in her previous relationship, she had orgasmed 7 times in 24 hrs. I tried to not think of it, but subconsciously, I wanted to be good too, make her feel good and I wanted to make her feel satisfied. Anyways, when she asked me what was wrong, I told her that I was a virgin and she said it was okay, I shouldn’t have lied to her, she comforted me saying we can have sex later when I’m comfortable and wanted to make it special.
I felt supported and safe. It was good. I regretted not telling her earlier. During this meet, though we kissed not more than 15seconds, foreplayed a little, she was not comfortable with me touching her tummy, touch her bum, or even take a look at her p*ssy. I was fine with it, I understood that it may be because of her insecurities and I kept praising her how hot she was and how much I find her sexy.
This trip ended and we met again 4 months down the line, only for 5 days but we couro spend the time together only for 2 days. We hugged and she again, said the hug was awkward. We kissed, but never made out more than 15seconds, I was playing around with her body and this time she let me kiss her tummy and bum. But didn’t let me take a look her p*ssy and I was still fine. I understood her that she needs more time to be physically comfortable.
She went back and after a couple of months, I asked her why she used to push me away while we were kissing. Even during our hugs, I wanted to hug her tightly, but she used to tap out 5 seconds into the hug. She said it was because it was summer, it was too hot. Then later, she told me that those were intimate things and it takes time for her to be intimate with her partner. I tried to understand.
TL/ DR - What bothers me is, while she had her hookups, friends with benefit stuff, she was with a stranger and she would let them touch her anywhere in the body, she’d let them kiss her, make out with her for as long as they want, she’d let them look at her whole body while they were having sex, but not me. I’ve made it clear with her multiple times that I’m here for good and I want her to my life partner and that I love her, and yet, she’s not comfortable with me even after 1.5 years of our relationship but she has been comfortable with strangers whom she had just met.
It makes me think, that she either find me unattractive or she doesn’t look at me that way, yet. She tells me that she loves me, she finds me attractive and wants to get married to me, but I’m not able to trust her words because of her actions when we were together in person.
I love her to the moon, she is my freaking moon. But I don’t know if there’s something wrong with my thinking, maybe she doesn’t find me sexy, maybe doesn’t see me as a bad boy like her exes.
I mean, I know things will get better as we close the distance in 1 year when I move to her country but right now; I’m finding it very difficult to process the fact that she’s not comfortable with me physically even after all this time, but she’s so comfortable to kiss, make out or have s*x with a stranger.
Super Sorry for the long read. Please give me your honest insights.

A Simple Yet Thought-Provoking Doorway

Interviewer: Howl's Moving Castle was a huge success as well, with box office revenue reaching 19.6 billion yen. This places it second only to Spirited Away among Studio Ghibli films. The original story is by Diana Wynne Jones, and the screenplay was written by Mr. Miyazaki.
Mamoru Oshii: Howl's Moving Castle is excellent, my favorite among Ghibli's works. The story isn't entirely clear, the logic doesn't always hold up – these aspects haven't changed much from Miyazaki's past films. But, at this point, there's nothing more to say about those points. So, what do I appreciate about this film? In a word, it's the mechanism of that doorway. Miyazaki's changing mindset as he gets older is clearly expressed through that door's workings.
Interviewer: The door of Howl's castle leads to different worlds, and its mechanism is divided into four parts.
Mamoru Oshii: That truly impressed me. Every time the mechanism shifts, the door opens to a different world. The black passage leads to the battlefield, flames are raging, Howl transforms into a monstrous bird and flies off, then returns completely exhausted. Seeing Howl like that, Calcifer says, "He might not come back." What kind of meaning do you think that holds?
Interviewer: Does it represent Mr. Miyazaki's heart being divided into four parts?
Mamoru Oshii: It's not about the number. Women might not understand easily, but men get it right away. Especially older men, they understand at a glance. Because they are also constantly turning that doorway unconsciously. In other words, whether consciously or unconsciously, they always play multiple roles. An older man working at a company switches modes when he comes home; when playing with a young woman somewhere else, he switches again; when interacting with his son and daughter, he switches yet another time. Simply put, humans are creatures that live separately in different worlds. There may also be a dark side that leads one to become a monster. People definitely possess a side that turns into a monster and runs rampant on the battlefield, and are destined to coexist with this darkness.
I've never seen a film that depicts the multiplicity of an older man's inner world in such a persuasive way. I love it. The doorway mechanism turns, and the world changes instantly. It's fantastic.
Interviewer: That's high praise indeed.
Mamoru Oshii: It is. But it's dangerous, you know? Sometimes you slip up and reveal a side you shouldn't in front of your wife and children. Wives are probably aware of this to a certain extent, but they don't bring it up. If you ask me, that's what living with a man is all about. You might not notice it when you're dating, but after getting married and having children, women realize that older men use different faces in different situations.
Being able to create this kind of expression means that Miyazaki himself must have struggled with switching between different faces. By now, he's probably become quite adept at it. I'm the same way. After all, film directors have to be geniuses at switching gears – the face shown to staff, the face shown to producers, the face when alone, the face shown to family – you really have to separate them all.
Interviewer: That sounds truly exhausting.
Mamoru Oshii: It is, it is. A person like Miyazaki must have a remarkable monster dwelling within him, right? For Howl, that represents the moment when he throws aside all humanity and becomes a monster. Although it's incredibly difficult, even requiring him to fight till he's covered in blood, he can't escape it. Why? Because he couldn't survive without that side of himself.
He must have referenced other archetypes as well, but no one else could have expressed it so brilliantly. Miyazaki truly is one of a kind. That doorway in the film is so good that it overshadows everything that comes after. The war ending abruptly, for instance.
Interviewer: In the first place, it's unclear why the war even started. To be honest, there are too many things that don't make sense. Sophie's original goal was to break the Witch's curse, but somewhere along the way, this goal disappears, and she ends up living with the Witch.
Mamoru Oshii: That's why it's pointless to try to apply logic. This is Miyazaki's world of imagination, where the laws of cause and effect don't apply. This world itself is Miyazaki's fantasy.
Interviewer: But there is a source material.
Mamoru Oshii: Half of it has probably vanished without a trace, wouldn't you say? All that's left is the basic setting. The castle's design is amazing, it even has a torpedo launcher, doesn't it? It makes you wonder what that torpedo launcher is for and what it's supposed to fire at. It feels like Miyazaki just crammed in everything he likes.

Miyazaki and My "View of Family"

Interviewer: I love the design, though.
Mamoru Oshii: It can accommodate anything, and this time he put "family" in it.
Producer Toshio Suzuki said something interesting. He was also the producer for my film, Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence. He said: "It's fascinating how both Miyazaki and you are making the same kind of film. In short, the theme is "home". Both are stories about family. Miyazaki's film expresses the idea that whether it's an old witch or an orphan, it's fine to welcome anyone into the family, because we're all family. And in your film, whether it's a dog or a doll, it doesn't matter if they're not human. It's a very interesting approach to considering a new kind of family."
Interviewer: Mr. Suzuki is insightful.
Mamoru Oshii: He's the kind of person who observes from such unique angles. That's his strength, thinking from perspectives no one else would consider.
Of course, I wasn't conscious of it either. I had no intention of making a story about family. The "unconscious genius" Miyazaki must have been the same. But when Suzuki pointed it out, I felt "that's exactly right". When people establish a sense of shared existence, the most basic form of it is family. Of course, there are male-female relationships within it, but when viewed from the perspective of social relationships, there's nothing other than family. Even blood ties aren't necessarily essential within it. Originally, the starting point of family is strangers, no blood relation needed. A married couple is essentially a pair of complete strangers with no initial blood ties. They start from a marital relationship and then begin to build kinship ties. It's not like in Shuji Terayama's Throw Away Your Books, Rally in the Streets where people separate first and then spend time exploring family forms in various ways. That's probably how it is.
Thinking about it this way, even the house they live in in Howl's Moving Castle walks on two legs, doesn't it? What does that mean? It means that it's no longer even connected to the concept of "settling down", which represents the idea of family. The characteristics of a house being rooted in the land are irrelevant. On the other hand, in Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence, it doesn't matter whether you're human or not, but you need to be with others to live as a human being.
Looking at both films from the perspective of family makes many things easier to understand, that's for sure. If you don't think about it this way, the content of Howl's Moving Castle will become more and more perplexing as you watch it.

Hayao Miyazaki is David Lynch?

Interviewer: Speaking of family, Sophie's family is nowhere to be found. It's as if she's just a beloved and beautiful younger sister that everyone adores.
Mamoru Oshii: After watching Howl's Moving Castle, no one can recall the details of the story clearly. I watched it twice, which is rare for me, but I still can't remember the story. The protagonist Howl appears suddenly, and Sophie is introduced already sewing hats, but why is it a hat shop?
Interviewer: It's a hat shop in the original story.
Mamoru Oshii: But it must be because Miyazaki wanted to draw scenes of hat making, right? Miyazaki loves artisans, loves depicting scenes of crafting things. Up until now, he's always had this tendency - even if it sacrifices consistency to some extent, he'll find a way to realize the scenes and fantasies he envisions. But with Howl's Moving Castle, he completely let go and took a straight path to fantasy. Howl's Moving Castle is exactly that kind of film. Whether or not there's source material is irrelevant. The story of Master Howl is a prime example.
Interviewer: Voiced by Akihiro Miwa, the character of the Witch of the Waste, right?
Mamoru Oshii: Scenes like the shooting stars are undeniably beautiful, but do they have anything to do with the story? Miyazaki's impression of magic must be these beautiful visuals, so he simply wanted to create them.
Interviewer: It's not just that, the character of the Master is completely incomprehensible.
Mamoru Oshii: I've said this so many times, you can't seek consistency in Miyazaki's films because they're all fantasies. It's best to view them through the lens of David Lynch's Twin Peaks.
Interviewer: Lynch's films don't prioritize consistency either. Nobody expects a logically sound story from his work.
Mamoru Oshii: Then why have such expectations for Miyazaki's films? They're both transforming their own fantasies into films, whether it's Lynch or Miyazaki.
Interviewer: "Hayao Miyazaki is David Lynch", that's quite a bold statement.
Mamoru Oshii: There's one crucial difference between Lynch and Miyazaki: Lynch sees humans as frightening creatures. Lynch's theme is singular – the terror of humanity. As a Lynch fan, I've finally reached this conclusion recently. Humans are terrifying beings; they create terrifying events. This is the theme of Lynch's works. The very existence of humans is eerie, so his works are unconcerned with good and evil, angels and demons. That's why Lynch's films are unique.
So, what about Miyazaki? Miyazaki genuinely wants to view humans as benevolent creatures and the world as something beautiful. This fundamentally differs from Lynch, who is obsessed with a world of horror. However, they share the commonality of realizing their fantasies through film. Another difference is that Lynch consciously depicts horror, while Miyazaki does so unconsciously.
Interviewer: In the latter half of the film, Sophie suddenly shifts between being young, middle-aged, and elderly. Is there any meaning behind this?
Mamoru Oshii: No, it's just to make her appearance fit the scene. They simply decided, "It's better for her to be young here", and that's about it. There's probably no deeper reason. So even if you try to overanalyze it, you won't find anything.
Interviewer: It's fine if you don't fully understand Lynch's films, but you still want to try and understand Miyazaki's.
Mamoru Oshii: Because at first glance, they appear to be orthodox narrative films.
No matter how many bursts of fantasy there are, he still wants to reach a conclusion and summarize the meaning in the end, right? In that sense, he's still clearly more timid than Lynch.
Interviewer: But you said that Howl's Moving Castle is your favorite work, didn't you?
Mamoru Oshii: Yes. Even though it doesn't fully let go in the end, it's quite transparent before reaching the conclusion. It doesn't force itself into a narrative structure, so in that sense, I really appreciate it. The doorway mechanism and the scene where the Witch of the Waste makes shooting stars fall from the sky are both incredibly beautiful and impressive. Although the depiction of the royal palace feels somewhat generic, the scene where they're panting and climbing the palace stairs is quite interesting. There are truly many excellent scenes.

Howl is Miyazaki Himself

Interviewer: In that stair-climbing scene, there's a dog named Heen. Don't you think he resembles you a bit?
Mamoru Oshii: That dog... (laughs) The staff kept telling me about him when the film was released, and I could definitely sense some malice directed at me. Because Heen is a useless dog, isn't he? His personality seems quite bad as well.
Interviewer: So he's like you. When I saw it, I couldn't help but think, "It's Oshii!"
Mamoru Oshii: Because I've also poked fun at them many times in my own works. I named the old man who runs Shanghai Tei in Patlabor "Hayao Saki". Mr. Takahata appears as "Inspector Takahata", although he's a villain (laughs). Needless to say, Toshio Suzuki has made multiple appearances as well.
But if that dog is me, then Howl must be Miyazaki. He projected himself onto the protagonist in Porco Rosso, didn't he?
Interviewer: Wait a minute, that handsome Howl? Really?
Mamoru Oshii: Absolutely. The works where Miyazaki projected himself onto the protagonist are Porco Rosso, Howl's Moving Castle, and The Wind Rises. What aspects of Howl resemble Miyazaki? This statement will surely shock many fans.
Mamoru Oshii: He wants to be that kind of man. A wizard, the head of a household - there's no doubt that Howl is his projection.
Interviewer: But Howl said, "I can't live without being beautiful."
Mamoru Oshii: That's right, he transformed from a pig and uttered those words. Voiced by Takuya Kimura, no less. In reality, Miyazaki loves to be cool, but he understands that it doesn't suit him, so he intentionally makes himself appear plain. I forget when it was, but he even imitated Ryotaro Shiba's style by wearing a black coat. Miyazaki respects Ryotaro Shiba a lot, although I dislike him.
What strikes me as the biggest similarity between Howl and Miyazaki is the scene where Howl returns to the castle as a monster and sluggishly climbs to the second floor.
That scene embodies Miyazaki's true feelings - even if he's making a big fuss outside, he still has to crawl back to his room. When Sophie scolds him saying, "You did it again! It can't be helped", didn't you feel like he must have been scolded by his wife this way too? He finally returns, but as a monster. From this perspective, he's really quite transparent (laughs).
As long as you understand Miyazaki, you can pick up on these amusing nuances. But even if you don't know him personally, the film is full of interesting scenes and beautiful visuals. However, there's really nothing to say about the plot. So, they should just tell the world that, but instead, people love to praise "how great the stories are" in Miyazaki's films.

My girlfriend(32F) and I(31M) are in a long distance relationship since a year and a half. We’re both in different countries, we met through a dating app. When we stumbled upon each other, she had just broken up with her ex for about 6 months and was healing from a toxic relationship. Her ex was emotionally abusive and It took a toll on her and she started to question her self confidence. She went through therapy but discontinued shortly as became expensive.
As we began our relationship, we set things straight that we were purely going to get to know each other and become good friends first and then see where it takes us. As we got to know each other more, I started to fall for her and I saw her as the most precious human, still do! She’s got amazing qualities, she’s super funny, she’s kind, she’s the sweetest to literally everyone, she’s got a beautiful heart and soul, she’s sexy and whatnot. But we decided we were not going to say “I love you” until we meet in person.
During this time of us getting to know each other, she told me that she didn’t find me attractive physically and we don’t have an emotional connection like how she does with a few of her friends. And we convinced each other that it’ll take time for all that as we’re still getting to know each other. She used to make fun of how I laugh all the time when I’m talking to her, she’d make fun of the way I talk, the way I eat, the way I dance or sing( which I understand, I suck) but I used to send her pictures and videos of me singing and dancing for her while I was thinking of her. She used to make fun of those too and asked me not to do anything “extra” and just myself. That was me being myself and I felt that she didn’t like it, so I stopped it all.
She told me that her ex and all her ex boyfriends were charming and had a great personality. And it made me feel a little low thinking that maybe she doesn’t find me charming. Maybe I wasn’t her type, but she used to tell me that I’ve made her feel so comfortable that she can be herself around me and she likes that a lot. And she told me that this is helping her heal from her past as she felt that she wasn’t able to be herself in her past relationship before me. I felt good and I wanted to make her feel more comfortable, so, when the time is right, she’ll feel things for me.
She once mentioned that her friend and her were laughing about how they’re not into guys who are inexperienced and they would never want to get into a relationship with a virgin. Me, being a virgin, I told her I’d been with 3 partners and have had s*x because again, because of what she said earlier, I got scared and lied. I shouldn’t have. I was in three other relationships(each not lasting more than 2yrs) but never had sex because I wanted to have sex with the one with whom I’d be certain I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. I never felt that way with any of my exes and never had sex but did other stuff.
While her on the other hand, has had a quite a few hookups, friends with benefit with 1 guy, and had sex with all 4 other partners from her long relationships( each 3 year long). This was all before meeting me and I told her it’s good that she was experienced and I’ll probably get to learn from her experience.
6 months into the relationship, she had come down to my country and we spent 2 days together. I really wanted to hug her so badly and kiss her. But when we hugged, she said she didn’t feel any butterflies and it was awkward. This made me feel really low, but I told myself that she’s probably still healing from her past and it may take time for her corn around and open her heart for me. Never kissed. She asked me for a kiss after our “awkward hug” but I was scared that if we kissed and if she didn’t feel anything, she’d end things between us.
We met again 3 months down the road, this time we spent a solid 10 days together. I was really excited and I thought by now, she’d be comfortable around me and probably have feelings for me. She said she did. And by this time, she told me she loves me for the first time. And I truly believed it. We kissed for the first time, we made out a little and it was all good. But didn’t have sex, while we were foreplaying, she asked me to put it in and I wanted to but my dck in but it wouldn’t turn on. I never had a problem with my dck not working while masturbating, I used to imagine doing a lot of sexy things with my girlfriend.
Mentally, I was under a lot of pressure, that she has had amazing sex from her ex partners and what if I disappoint her. She did tell me that in her previous relationship, she had orgasmed 7 times in 24 hrs. I tried to not think of it, but subconsciously, I wanted to be good too, make her feel good and I wanted to make her feel satisfied. Anyways, when she asked me what was wrong, I told her that I was a virgin and she said it was okay, I shouldn’t have lied to her, she comforted me saying we can have sex later when I’m comfortable and wanted to make it special.
I felt supported and safe. It was good. I regretted not telling her earlier. During this meet, though we kissed not more than 15seconds, foreplayed a little, she was not comfortable with me touching her tummy, touch her bum, or even take a look at her p*ssy. I was fine with it, I understood that it may be because of her insecurities and I kept praising her how hot she was and how much I find her sexy.
This trip ended and we met again 4 months down the line, only for 5 days but we couro spend the time together only for 2 days. We hugged and she again, said the hug was awkward. We kissed, but never made out more than 15seconds, I was playing around with her body and this time she let me kiss her tummy and bum. But didn’t let me take a look her p*ssy and I was still fine. I understood her that she needs more time to be physically comfortable.
She went back and after a couple of months, I asked her why she used to push me away while we were kissing. Even during our hugs, I wanted to hug her tightly, but she used to tap out 5 seconds into the hug. She said it was because it was summer, it was too hot. Then later, she told me that those were intimate things and it takes time for her to be intimate with her partner. I tried to understand.
TL/ DR - What bothers me is, while she had her hookups, friends with benefit stuff, she was with a stranger and she would let them touch her anywhere in the body, she’d let them kiss her, make out with her for as long as they want, she’d let them look at her whole body while they were having sex, but not me. I’ve made it clear with her multiple times that I’m here for good and I want her to my life partner and that I love her, and yet, she’s not comfortable with me even after 1.5 years of our relationship but she has been comfortable with strangers whom she had just met.
It makes me think, that she either find me unattractive or she doesn’t look at me that way, yet. She tells me that she loves me, she finds me attractive and wants to get married to me, but I’m not able to trust her words because of her actions when we were together in person.
I love her to the moon, she is my freaking moon. But I don’t know if there’s something wrong with my thinking, maybe she doesn’t find me sexy, maybe doesn’t see me as a bad boy like her exes.
I mean, I know things will get better as we close the distance in 1 year when I move to her country but right now; I’m finding it very difficult to process the fact that she’s not comfortable with me physically even after all this time, but she’s so comfortable to kiss, make out or have s*x with a stranger.
Super Sorry for the long read. Please give me your honest insights.

I recently experienced a really painful experience with termination and am still struggling to understand why my therapist (a psychologist) would terminate in this way.
I will try and keep the story as brief as possible (although it is going to be long) and obviously this is only my side of it.
I have been seeing this therapist for almost a year. They are my first one. I am male. They are female. She is slightly younger than me.
I initially went there to discuss my relationship problems. It was one of those scenarios where I wanted to do couples therapy with my wife but she refused and ultimately I said OK Iwill go alone.
I would be lying if I said I did not form a deep attachment to her but this attachment was never in a way which was sexual or where I desired her to be part of my life outside of her office. And this is being 100% honest with myself.
I have been a very closed off person including to my wife and whatever reason my ability to try and open up to my therapist was an extremely new experience for me and resulted in this attachment which I have discussed with her.
Our communication outside of sessions would be an email or two from me a week mainly to jot my thoughts down about what I would like to discuss with her in session.
My continued attendance with her became a problem for my wife in that she thought it was a form of emotional cheating. All of this was relayed to my therapist. I am not after any commentary about whether my wife is wrong or right to feel this way - it is what it is.
My final session with my therapist, from my perspective went somewhat along these lines:
1.) We discussed an ultimatum my wife had given me essentially regarding termination of therapy or the end of our marriage
2.) We discussed this in the context of my wife setting a boundary and whether I could seek therapy elsewhere
3.) I discussed that I did not wish to do this process again (therapy) with anybody else and I wouldn't be doing that
4.) What we didn't discuss was whether I actually wanted to terminate therapy. I never once communicated that I wanted to or that I was going to terminate with her
5.) I would describe whathappened next is that she manipulated the conversation into a termination as though it was being guided by me but she was essentially putting words in my mouth, cancelling our further sessions and pushing me out the door, early.
6.) I was so overwhelmed by what I perceived her to be doing that I essentially shut down, unable to communicate that I could see what she was doing and that I did not agree to terminate. I was getting more and more hurt and angry every second I was in the room. I beleive she was acutley aware of this.
7.) I felt that the session was highly manipulative on her part - in that I truly believe she used her power over me and skills to make it seem like I was terminating when it was in fact her.
I eventually got the courage to call her out on this behaviour as feedback via an email.
I eventually got a reply as follows:
Hi X

Firstly, I appreciate the honesty and feedback. Thank you for expressing it. It was never my intention to make you feel unwelcome in my office, or as though you could not continue to receive treatment from me. My intention is always to help my clients and provide them the support they need to grow.
However, it is my professional responsibility to you to assess the impacts of treatment from our sessions. After the discussion we had regarding me as your therapist in the first half of our session on Thursday, it became apparent that my appointment as your therapist has become a maintaining factor to reaching positive therapy outcomes which you seek. I understand the magnitude of this but truely believe you are capable of meaningful engagement and continued progress whether it is here or at another clinic based on how far you have developed since our first session.
Kind regards,
X
My reply was as follows:

Hi Therapist
I really do appreciate your reply.
I guess from my perspective we should have had that conversation. As I said in my prior email I would have listened to you and respected that. I don’t know why you felt that we could not or should not have that conversation. Instead, I walked away feeling the way I did. I actually felt really manipulated.
I do really thank you for your honesty with me today and can honestly tell you that it actually helps me a lot to understand and give me closure.
Regards
X
I have not received any further reply.
I essentially take her email as an admission of what she did (the final paragraph). I just don't understand why she would not have discussed this with me. This is the whole point of therapy!! Open and honest communication..
Regarding her comments, I actually would agree with her... I take her last paragraph to mean either of the following:
1.) I went to her originally trying to better my relationship with my wife and ultimately that seems to have failed and the process while perhaps being beneficial to me overall has created a greater wedge between my wife and myself; or / and
2.) The connection I have formed with her is working as a road block to me wanting to open up more to my wife
Both of these things are probably true and I take no issue with this - I just don't understand why she would not have this conversation with me and ultimately left me feeling really manipulated.
I am wondering from a therapist perspective how and why this could have happened this way??

Disclaimer: Before I write anything else, I’m not trying to be a “dOoMEr” or a hater or whatever.
This team may win this series, they may even win the whole playoffs, who knows. All I know is that watching this team since 2021, I always watch other teams in the playoffs with players who are able to consistently hit layups, fadeaway twos, or even sometimes threes, especially in clutch time.
It’s just so painful watching this team because even if they win it all, they just feel so un-clutch. Why do I have zero faith in any of these guys to hit any shot under five minutes left in a game?
I think that’s why Derrick White is so beloved by the fans, he always feels so sure fire to hit important shots, but ever since the Miami series even he has been super unreliable.
Forgive me for crossing my sports comparisons but watching this team feels like watching the anti Tom Brady. When you watched Tom Brady on the pats, as long as he had the ball in his hands you just knew the game was never truly over. He always made the right decision was just so reliable to make a play when the team needed it most. These Celtics feel like the complete opposite where I almost expect this team to play its worst basketball in the minutes that matter most.
Maybe we win despite this, I sure hope so, but it really is just befuddling and frustrating. So I guess my question is this. I just recently started watching the Celtics in the last couple years. What was it like watching the other winning teams? Were they the same way?

need opinions on situation
hi there! my ex and I were together for almost 5 years. everything was always great and amazing, we never fought and we got a long extremely well. we had an unbeatable connection and he truly understood me and I understood him. we both have goals and wanted a future together, we always had so much fun and did everything together and talked all the time when apart.
we broke up just over 3 weeks ago. we were doing long distance at this point as he was in school, but i did see him just a few weeks prior. it was a week and a half before summer where he was coming home. the reasons he gave me is that “we aren’t on the same wavelength” “we don’t click” “i don’t see a future with you” “i just don’t love you like that anymore”. Long story short, he did this on the phone while away. the first week i waited for him to come home so we could talk in person, i couldn’t accept what had happened and felt he would feel different when he actually saw me as these seemed like thoughts that maybe arose due to the distance.
However, when we talked, he was cold and distant. he gave me absolutely nothing and told me he had to be mean so that I get the point. However, I didn’t wanna stop trying. I gave him his space for a week and then contacted again. we talked on the phone for an hour and had a good conversation where he claimed he missed me, we planned to hangout a week later so that i could hopefully feel better. when we hung out we had a good time and at the end he finally gave me the genuine conversation I deserved and acted like himself. told me things like “your more than enough and i can’t even understand it but my mind can’t grasp that your more than enough for me” “your perfect everything about you and you have always been so good to me and what we had was amazing”. he told me how he loves and cares about me deeply and i know that i could feel it. he was in straight tears and when we said goodbye i could feel his pain, myself also was a wreck as i cried to him for 2 hours.
now, it’s been 1 day of me going into no contact. i want him to come back so bad and realize that he’s still in love with me. however, he seems extremely sure of his decision. I just can’t process how you can be so emotional and care about someone so much as he does and not think it’s right. we didn’t end on bad terms, there was never any issues and i have so much love for him, i can’t picture myself going on without him. how can i get him back or to realize what he’s loosing? i don’t want any BS.

I'm sure that title sounds a little melodramatic but I'll try to make a fairly succinct point to go with the sentiment.
I have spent so much time on earth waiting for something to happen to me. I think we all subconsciously think in our heads, one day, maybe with a little effort and good intentions, our life will come out alright. Nice and clean. Our life will finally be ready to be lived like a story, with a linear progression, everything falling into its place, eventually.
Of course anyone reading this that has been through any heartache in life knows that there is no beginning, middle and end. There are babies born every minute with decisions already made for them. There are good people dying every day who were perfectly decent if not understandably flawed, who had their life taken for no reason, suddenly. If they were lucky, they never saw it coming. Just like my brother, who died a month ago from an accidental overdose in a bathtub. He went to take a bath, made a wrong choice and.. that was that.
I don't know why I'm writing this. There's a lot of things happening in my life right now, but I know there's someone out there with this mindset I'm getting ready to address and I believe it may help some of you, who are as stubborn and set in their ways as I am, to come loose from the idea you hold so tight to and try and learn, along with me, how to take each minute as it passes.
Every word you've read this far is in the past. You can go back and reread it, but it's already there casting shadows in your subconscious. Every day you live, you're expecting something new to happen, if you're not expecting novelty, you may be expecting the same comforts or sorrows you face all the time. I want to say to you now: There is nothing you know or see, or will know or have seen, that will set itself in stone before the heavy hand of time erodes your expectations back down to the bedrock.
There's a human right now, lying in a soggy sleeping bag under a bridge, thinking about a women he loved years ago and to be antithetical, there's a human lying in a king sized bed in one of his many bedrooms, thinking of nothing or plagued by symptoms of the same thing the man under the bridge is plagued with.. Life, in all its thievery and abundance, is being placed in front of you one block at a time, measured in moments. What does it take for a person to be happy?
"There are some mistakes too monstrous for remorse to tamper or to dally with" - Edward Arlington Robinson
If you have ever made a mistake or a choice in your life that you regret and all that regret does is cause more pain to bubble up and faster inside you to come out as more poor choices, do away with your regret and start making new, better choices.
Imagine being in a blank room. A prison cell. A place with only your memories and nothing new but tye indents in the concrete walls to show you any more newness, until eventually even the walls are mapped in your mind, every contrasting bubble or imperfections. Pardeolia creating warped faces at you, mocking you from inside your evolved simian brain. At one time in your evolutionary journey, you needed those instincts, to see threats in the darkness, but now we have shines a light on all things, and hidden the things we deem uncomfortable. Now, we sit in a prison of choices, but not choices for life. Choices for moments. What kind of food do you want, what color shirt will you wear, what movie will you watch?
We were not meant to live lives like this, but we have no choice anymore. Society is a runaway vehicle, with nothing to crash into, forever building tension and suspense. That's why some many of us are so nervous and uncomfortable here. There's danger, but it isn't coming from the darkness anymore. It's not predation or a scourge or a war, at least not for the Americans. Not just now.
I'm begging anyone who is having a hard time.. Anyone who has made true mistakes and regretsbtjose mistakes. Anyone who feels like it's hopeless, just keep doing anything. I don't care what it is. Try and make it something nice and useful. Be kind. THINK about what you're doing. You and your girlfriend are arguing? Find some way to make it okay andbif it can't be okay, be okay with the idea that it isn't okay and turn your mind to the next thing. Are you waiting on life changing news? A diagnosis? A prison sentence? Something awful? Something great? It will be there, when it gets there. For now, there are sights and sounds that you cannot predict, coming for you at all angles. Appreciate that. Embrace whatever this is and be at peace with it. I don't care what you believe, you cannot tell me you know anything for sure. I know that I will learn and cry and be surprised and not so surprised until the day I leave this world. I watch my son and my parents learn about life at the same pace. There is no learning curve, except for perspective.
I wrote all this and doubt it will be read by many and it doesn't mean anything really..
I wanted to take some of my precious time to tell you, whoever you are, that you are going to be okay. Whether you are well-off, happy, miserable, terminally I'll or just browsing your phone. One day, something bad will happen. One day something good will happen. One day, you will struggle to understand. One day, you will stand in the midst of all knowing.
I am not preaching so much as I am imploring you, admittedly rambling a bit, to take your life as it comes. When you feel you are at the worst points in life, just keep going. It will end eventually and you'll be okay then as well. Hug your family. Love each other. If you make a mistake, try to make it right, but if you can't, move on with better goals. Make this world better than it is, because we all have to live in it.
That's all I wanted to vomit out at the moment. I love you for being human. Know who you are and accept it. Don't run. There's absolutely nowhere to go. Just ride it out until there's a sudden and heavenly release of your tension. One day, you'll have to let go. Start practicing for that moment. Believe me, there's plenty of practice.
Be well. ❤️

It's 4AM where I live and my heart been having extremely weird PVCs since few hours now and I can't sleep. I normally have 0 - 5 PVCs per day but 4 days agoand today I suddenly got very much for some reason, accompanied with dizziness abd light-headedness and also I have left chest pain all day since 3 days too. I posted about this 4 days ago but it somehow got worse now and I'm not sure what I should do next. I had 0 in the day and felt perfectly fine aside from my chest pain but now every PVC hits very hard and makes me feel weird. I'm sure I even had couplets or short runs too... I remember I used to have 10 000 per day few years ago but I never really had chest pain like this alongside them. Weird thing is that I had chest and arm pain last month too, went to the doctor, did an ECG and Troponin test but everything was fine and I'm only 17. I feel like trash and its impossible to sleep ! Is it my lack of sleep causing more arrhythmia?Because I go sleep at late night every day aswell... And I have POTS. I'm really scared now because I fear my PVCs coming back from years ago and it's been the worst time of my life. Either that or my PVCs becoming NSVT runs or sustained

Hi I’m 25 and for context I currently live in Maryland for 7 months now and have made no progress in my life here at all, I am debating going back to college for a medical career which is so funny for me to even think because I went to college for nursing and didn’t finish to become an esthetician and because of covid I left that field as well and haven’t been back until literally 2 weeks ago when I got a job to do lash extensions and have been disappointed since.
I honestly never thought that I wouldn’t be the person to not go to college and I think that because I got a license as an esthetician I didn’t really process how I really didn’t go to college I did a vocational education basically and lost my job because of covid and was so depressed about it I didn’t go back to it which was useless.
I still had hopes of becoming an esthetician again when I got this job as a lash tech to realize I have been out of the game in a long time and definitely draining on my body specially all the back pain, all that for not much reward since the other techs have told me that honestly they get paid very little specially when I told them where I used to live some lash techs could make up to 1,200-1,400 a week and here they were making half that I felt more discouraged because I already felt this wasn’t what I wanted to do anymore for a career.
I got desperate recently since the past couple of months I’ve been walking on a tight rope verging being fully broke every month and feeling like a bag of waste and that I wasted so much time of my life in a delusion that I was okay and in fact I am not which brought me to 2 hours ago scrolling career paths online and I found a posting for travel health agencies and the pay definitely caught my attention first but also the position, to think if I have continued my college degree and had been a nurse I could be in a different place that I am right now.
But not to dwell in the what if’s that I cannot change since I don’t currently life in a Si-fi movie with a best friend scientist that will create a time machine for me, I want good advice on what are my options and realistically what would be most beneficial for my future.
The path I was thinking of choosing is not very clear but I was very interested in some of the positions in the traveling agency’s I saw and looked into and some of them where physical therapy, Cath tech, and a CT technician where the only ones I had enough time to do research on but there seemed to be several others but they all still mean going back to school for probably at least 4 years.
I guess my biggest worry is not really going back to school but the financial, I currently tip toe the lines of having a 0 balance in by bank every month and some credit card debt that I used to pay for the vocational school (about 5k, I feel like when I say cc debt some people always think it’s over 10k so maybe not that bad), but I’m scared of doing school and working, rent, car, insurance, I already try to work a lot now even babysitting on my off time to make sure I’m always bringing some money in every day and I’m just scared of making a mistake and it costing me what I already don’t have.
I also don’t know if this is important but a reason that kept me from going back to school before is that I am married we are separated but not yet divorced and I couldn’t get financial aid anymore since I basically made too much money bc he was on the tax return.
That’s honestly all the information I could think of right now but can always say more for clarity and I’m just hoping for some guidance or advice on what to do, since I’m literally writing this after having a small mental breakdown and considering being a sugar baby (although I’m not sexy enough of that the idea went away really quickly lol). Any advice is greatly appreciated, thank you.

I don't think you see how thoroughly deep you can hurt me right now. I don't see that awareness. The vulnerability in the abandon I suffer from. The abandonment of self. Your worst case scenarios...the thoughts you have about what evil I might have done to others and what I might be perpetrating on you right now. They don't begin to touch the odious things living in my hollow moments. Waiting for you to try to see me. I handed that to you. Have once more a lesson in vulnerability from me, though this one is far different. The trigger to what you could make into a landslide of any shape and variety of your righteous choosing. It could be a fitting final note to a creation story we started with a promise to something long ago betrayed. The devil here, for me, is in the details you seem to overlook. Attuned to nearly every environment but mine, now new. Formidable a foe to all but yourself, now that the man who knows which way the barrel goes in a firefight has been plowed under in a thick fog that seems to say again: you know the ways in which you earned this. A third betrayal awaits some version of the threads I could be branching out from this moment and for all the agency that trusting fool, in that reality, can muster, I think he will know what he has earned and why. I don't need to hear your results on the simulations run about why I am handing you my neck, jugular so perfectly framed for when the justification to strike returns. I think I would probably find them disheartening. What I need is some affirmation that the voices emanating up from the very middle of me about you weren't echoes of hope or ignorant delusion. I don't mean anything small when I tell you I choose you. Look at the landscape of that choice and tell me what have I earned. What penance or prize do I qualify for in a sandboxed world of optimized paths and scores forever kept? I can tell you why the trigger is yours and it isn't to do with fellatio or the company kept amidst the blessings of my overburdened mind. I can tell you and I have been showing you. The way you love yourself is the way you love the one you are with. Firefights work on multiple levels, you see. Just like we used to. Though your spine leaves a lot to be desired, your smiles move me. Even the ones that aren't for me. That's one way I know I have earned what I get. Your devotion is impressive, even when it doesn't consider me. Your love...something I'm clearly too selfish of even on the days I struggle to convince myself I have felt it and know what it is. My landscape. My reasons all and whatever I have left. This is me choosing you. This isn't business as usual or a hopeful hail Mary. Not a lesson or a game or something to outwit. This is love.