PLEASE READ THE WHOLE POST.

This took weeks of picking and testing mods
Played on PS5, should work on PS4
Order is stable, no crashes
New game on survival difficulty required
All 6 DLCs needed
No unbalanced cheat mods added
Very difficult but satisfying and immersive
Adding other mods will break stuff, ask in comments
Not tested on PS4 or PS4 Pro performance-wise

OVERVIEW

This modlist is for people enjoying difficult challenge, exploration, combat, managing settlements and a bit of building. No more bullet sponges, loot/enemy respawns and rambo playstyle!

In the beginning you are no one. You leave the vault weak, tired, with barely any gear. Avoid most encounters and quests at the start. Try to survive, build a safe spot and carefully explore. Be aware of your surroundings, use what you find.
Saving often in beds and making 'autosave drug' at the earliest possibility is a good idea (nearest chemistry workbench is at Abernathy Farm). Save menu is always on top of MISC category in Pip-Boy.
Discovering new places gives plenty of exp in the beginning, but quests are your main exp income.
Exploring safer areas like Sanctuary, Concord and smaller settlements first (avoiding powerful enemies) recommended. There might be a lot of combat in the background. Don't engage much, especially avoid supermutants, robots, turrets, bears - they are deadly even for high level, well developed characters. Raiders also hit hard, depending on their weapon and rank.
Weapon caliber makes huge damage difference. 10mm is pretty weak, but if you find rare .50cal rounds or some good explosives, you should eliminate tougher targets much more easily.
Investing in stats right after level 15 is a good idea. STR for carry weight, PER for accuracy, END for health, CHA for better prices, INT for more exp, AGI for sneak and speed, LCK for dmg and loot. Be sure of your choices. Watch out for 'revealing all map markers' and 'slow time when aiming' perks. Be sure you want and like them, there is no going back.
Deathclaw in the early minuteman quest is tough - try to use explosives to break his legs and some high caliber weapons to finish him off by shooting his face. Or maybe you'll get lucky and raiders will kill him. Or just simply avoid him until you get proper gear.
Don't waste ammo on zombies, use melee. Bullets are valuable. However zombies can grab and instantly kill you if your HP is very low, so watch out on low, early levels!
Aim for the head for much higher damage. Concentrating damage on arms or legs to rip them off is a good strategy too. Raider without arms wont do much to you except running around and alerting nearby enemies, that is.
Damage types are important. Ballistic damage is not efficient against turrets, melee against radroaches and so on. You need to figure out yourself whats best strategy.
Develop and protect your settlements, put walls to protect generators and other important structures. Repairing is costly. Gear up settlers. Scraping and cleaning settlements is a good early source of components.
Try to fully explore the map, kill enemies and do all quests. Most loot and enemies wont ever respawn so this is your chance to find new secrets in Commonwealth and clear the place.

Good luck!

CHANGES

Combat, Enemies

• Enemies will flank, charge, take cover, run in fear, use and pick up ammo & weapons, swap to backup gun and so on.
• Headshots or weakspot hits do much higher damage than torso shots.
• Gun caliber greatly affects damage, explosives are powerful and damage type matters.
• Foes have special moves like biting and holding leg, wrestling moves, kicks. Dependent on enemy type and briefly stuns you. ### Sound, Graphic
• Sounds are less flat because of added reverb and other tweaks.
• Very dark nights with wide, helpful flashlight.
• Atmospheric lightning: beautiful light from lantern and fire sources, dusk, dawn, moon, plus bullets illuminate environment when flying around.
• No dreadful, annoying, unimmersive: combat music, hearthbeat, sounds of generators, turrets, exp gain sound, most perk triggers and perk chart. ### Crafting, Modifying
• Making/disasembling ammo and also creating various shipments. Upgrading clothes, rings, glasses in different ways.
• Legendary swapping, crafting legendary effects using technical documents. Some effects have been adjusted.
• Added crafting of new, lower damage explosives, but they have unique effects for ease of use. ### Perks, SPECIAL
• STR affects carry weight, PER accuracy, END is health, max AP, CHA for better prices, INT for more exp, AGI for sneak, walk and reload speed, LCK for small dmg boost, loot, critical hits outside VATS and while using it.
• Leveling up does not give you health. You rely on stats, bonuses, gear.
• Perks tree mostly changed, level 15 needed to start increasing Special base stats, level of around 100 to increase stat to 10. To get all perks you would need 300 levels, so new modified 'idiot savant' will help a lot.
• Collecting magazines, bobbleheads, companion perks is now more helpful and recommended.
• Some skills are changed, reordered, much more interesting and useful.
• More perks are needed for crafting, especially science perk is required for most technology related stuff.
• Lockpicking everything is available instantly from level one, but perks and AGI make it reasonably easier. Bobby pins are more rare.
• Hacking is simplified to not do the repeating minigame. Now holotapes to reprogram and override terminals might be of use. ### Settlements, Building
• Expensive build costs of robot workbenches, turrets, big generators, so buying component shipments is justified.
• You can hire guards for caps or risk settlers lives on the usual guard posts.
• Can't harvest planted fruit and veg, you get your fair share in workbench instead.
• Collecting resources by settlers changed. Bigger variety of settlers and they are now mortal.
• More objects to build and decorate your bases. ### Locations, Loot
• Items like meds and ammo are harder to find and exist in appropriate containers.
• New map markers and few minuteman towers as a small addition to explore.
• Quick travel available, but only to settlements.
• Only rare enemies like bosses drop legendaries. And many more...

Before you download:

• Safe to remove/swap mods are listed below the modlist, just in case you don't like or want some of them. Rest needs to be kept for balance or glitch removal, but only in the CORRECT ORDER!
• Remove all mods you currently have before downloading this mod list.
• Read what to do after downloading mods.

MOD LIST WITH CORECT ORDER:

1. Unofficial Fallout 4 Patch [UFO4P] [PS4] - Thousands of small bug fixes for FO4.
2. Radium Rifle Suppressed Sound Fix - As the mod name suggests. Must be on top of mod list, its a master file.
3. [PS4] Pip-Boy Paint Jobs - Colors Of The Wasteland Pack (Club Freedom) - Adds simple Pip-Boy skins. Remember you can click touchpad while using pip-boy to zoom. Again a master file.
4. Kane's Items Sorting (PS4) - Junk is sorted and some other things too.
5. [PS] Useful Technical Documents - Legendaries - You can swap legendaries for free, create new ones using technical documents.
6. Named NPC Protection [PS4] - Protects named quest npc's, merchants, important characters from random encounters with enemies.
7. Tribals of Commonwealth - Adds tribal groups, often found in wilderness.
8. Ghouls Of Commonwealth - Adds over 1100 feral ghouls for zombie apocalypse and chaos.
9. DLC Creatures In The Commonwealth [PS4] - Adds 200 creature spawns to the commonwealth for constant war, danger and chaos.
10. Longhorns Of The Commonwealth - Adds longhorns to more empty areas on the map.
11. Gulpers Of The Commonwealth - Adds gulpers to more empty areas on the map.
12. Wolves Of The Commonwealth - Adds wolf spawn points to the map.
13. More Behemoths In Commonwealth - Adds 5 more behemots to the Commonwealth.
14. Behind Enemy Lines - Adds plenty of enemies to the glowing sea region.
15. Roving War Parties, Raiding Packs And Hordes Of MY - Adds wandering groups that attack some key locations.
16. More Radstags - Adds plenty of radstags, especially north and into forests.
17. Better Radstags - More agressive radstags.
18. Not a Princess - Humans can grab you/others and slam on the ground, make karate moves, dogs can hold your legs/arms, bloodbugs suck your blood.
19. Disable Minutemen's Annoying Quests [PS4] - Disables 7 types of repetitive and not important radiant quests.
20. [PS4] Grounded Updated By Sarinia - Adds tons of ground foundations, floors, walls, mounds of dirt to Structures-Concrete menu.
21. Miscellaneous Settlement Items Unlocked [PS4] By Callias - Adds 49 objects for building in settlements.
22. Cinder Block Walls And Sandbags Unlocked [PS4] By Callias - Adds 16 objects like cinder blocks and sandbags.
23. Constructible Faction Guards - Adds ability to hire guards for caps in build menu, but only after allying with a faction.
24. [PS4] OCDecorator - Adds inventory items as a decorational building objects.
25. [PS4] OCDecorator DLC - Support for addons for the above mod.
26. Tweaks - Survival Fast Travel Settlements All DLC - You can fast travel to settlements on survival difficulty.
27. 1st Person Animation Tweaks [PS4] - In first person mode you lower your gun automatically.
28. [PS4] Swinging Animated Meat Bags - Adds animations to supermutant meat bags.
29. Power Line Physics [PS4] - Swinging power lines in settlements.
30. No Sneak Indicators - Completely removes all sneak indicators.
31. [PS4] Dogs Not Brahmin - Provisioners and traders use dogs instead of brahmin.
32. Vertibirds Unghosted - Tweaks invincible vertibirds for danger and realism.
33. [PS4] Simple Settlers (Mortal Edition) - Provides bigger settlers pool (five times more) and names them.
34. Quieter Settlements PS4 - Vanilla - Generators, turrets and hammering are much quieter.
35. Fallout 76-Style Region Music - Changes music in regions for less boring/repetitive background tracks.
36. Reverb And Ambiance Overhaul - ALL DLC [PS4] - Tweaks sounds for better ambient and reverb and adds sliders to options.
37. Better Dialogue - Camera focuses on NPC, changes made to some irritating generic dialogues and tweaked dialogue interuption.
38. Esk QuietPerks [PS4] - Muted five annoying perks like idiot savant.
39. No Experience SFX - Silences sounds when gaining experience from various sources.
40. [PS4] Dead Beat - Removes heart beat sound at low HP.
41. Combat Music Remover - Mutes combat music, so there is silence and suspension when enemy detects you.
42. Commonwealth Visual Overhaul & DLC [PS4] - Changes colours, atmosphere and makes nights darker.
43. UCW - Unified Commonwealth Weather - Adjusted weather for regions and integrated DLC weather for Commonwealth.
44. [PS4] No More Fake Puddles - Removes ugly puddles that stay 24/7.
45. No More Twigs - Removes stupid twigs sticking out of the ground.
46. [PS4] Enhanced Flickering Firelight - Better light effects for fire sources including oil lamps.
47. [PS4] Dark Mode - Abandoned Settlements - Empty settlements don't have light sources.
48. Vanilla Moon (4x) - Much bigger moon. Anything bigger looks low quality.
49. Sunlight Alignment Tweak - Better Dawn And Dusk [PS4] - Changes sun and moon movement for better lighting and atmosphere during dusk, dawn and night.
50. Crafting Blur Removal (PS4) - Removes blur while looting containers, from crafting screen, power armor.
51. Ironsight Blur Removal (PS4) - Removes blur while aiming.
52. More Map Markers (PS4) - Adds some new markers on map.
53. CleanVATS - Green Tint Remover PS4 - Removes fullscreen green tint effect while aiming in VATS mode.
54. VATS Third Person Only - As the name says, just changes in cameras used in VATS.
55. [PS4] Payneful VATS - Better VATS cinematics, shows important hits and finishers a bit slower.
56. Component Tagging Helper - Allows to easily tag basic components on cooking bench and you can quickly view how many you have in total.
57. Grenade and Mine Pack - Adds some new weaker, but modified explosives.
58. Saving Survival Mode - Allows crafting misc items on chemistry workbench for anytime saving (3 standard autosave slots and 1 save shared/overwritten on all survival characters).
59. Animations Be Gone - Removes plenty annoying hammering spots in sanctuary.
60. Minuteman Watchtowers - Adds 8 minuteman watchtowers containing loot and/or guards.
61. Power Goggles (All DLC) - Power Armor Mods For Goggles, Visors, And Glasses - As the name says. Two mods for glasses for high level characters.
62. Clothes For Every Stats Wz - Most clothes can be worn under armor and you can upgrade them after unlocking ballistic weave.
63. Bear Trap and Caltrops Fix [PS4] - Small changes in how traps work and balance them.
64. See-Through-Scopes [PS4] - Adds new combat scopes in place of 2.5x and 4x magnification.
65. See-Through-Scopes - Nuka World [PS4] - As above but for 2 Nuka World guns.
66. See-Through-Scopes - Far Harbor [PS4] - As above but for 2 Far Harbor weapons.
67. Targeting Sensors On Recon Scopes(Colour Coded NPCs Version)[PS4] - Modified recon scopes that highlight enemies, friends and dead bodies in specific colours.
68. Immersive Gameplay Combat Mostly PS4 - Core of this modlist. Hundreds of changes.
69. Immersive-Gameplay. Low Tech, No Powerarmor Justification Patch. (PS4) - Makes fusion cores worn. Balances the game around power armor.
70. Immersive Gameplay Seasonpass Patch (Playstation) - DLC compatibility for IG.
71. Immersive Gameplay Rough Start (PS4) - Overwrites starting level to 1.
72. Medium Settlement Raids PS4 - Makes enemy raids less ridicolous and balanced.
73. Zombie Walkers (PS4) - Most feral ghouls act like slow rotten zombies.
74. Curse Of Darkness - Normal Edition - - Zombies are faster and more dangerous after midnight.
75. Esk No More Teleporting Creatures [PS4] - Molerats and radscorpions don't teleport.
76. Realistic Insects Health [PS4] - Makes insects easier to kill and balanced.
77. Full Load - Loot Logic And Reduction Complete - Restricted harvest, lower and/or different production output for settlements, empty bottles renamed, Scrounger perk less ammo, less meat, less loot.
78. Full Load - Rough Start Less Handouts - Removed some workbenches in starting locations. Different loot in Vault111.
79. Immersive Gameplay Dismemberment - A Patch Or Standalone Feature. - Higher damage to headshots, easier to dismember limbs.
80. Tackle! Immersive Gameplay Knockdown Version - Lets you stagger enemies by sprinting into them after aquiring a perk.
81. Wasteland Baubles Ring Overhaul! PS4 - You can find unique rings at traders, in suitcases, cabinets. Allows scraping and modifying rings for special legendary effects.
82. [PS4] STS - All-In-One - Allows scraping almost all settlement objects.
83. (PS4) Improved Lighting Ballistics - Improves lighting for projectiles such as bullets, lasers, gauss, plasma, missiles, flares and explosions.
84. Explorer Restored - Cut Perk Mod PS4 - Adds rank two of VANS perk - explorer. Uncovers map.
85. Idiot Savant & Better Criticals Redone (PS4) - Idiot savant is better the more INT you have, muted perk chart, better criticals perk for crits outside VATS.
86. Realistic Death Physics - No Animation - ALL DLC [PS4] - Decreases the amount of force of both melee and ranged attacks, so bodies wont fly away.
87. Increased Settler Limit - Awareness - Wire Length - Corpse Collisions [PS4] - More aware settlers with limit of 50 per settlement and longer wires. Mind the limit.
88. Settlement Attack Spawns Outside The Settlement PS4 - Moves attack spawns outside the settlements.
89. Power Conduits Radius Increase And No Build Limit - All DLC [PS4] - Infinite build limit and two times longer range electricity conduits.
90. [PS4] Creation Club Skins (Weapon & PipBoy) Generic Compatibility Patch - Makes weapon paints from Creation Club show up in crafting menu if you have any.
91. No Affinity Cooldown - Removes cooldown between companions liking/hating your actions.
92. [PS4]More XP Per Level (Base:600, Bump 120) - Increased experience required to level up.
93. Increased EXP - Increases the amount of EXP gained to make Immersive Gameplay and mod list balanced.
94. No Building Houses XP Gains PS4 - Building settlements don't provide experience.
95. Pip-Boy Flashlight - Pipboy light is now a flashlight.
96. PS4 - Longer Headlamp Light - Makes flashlight much bigger and changes headlamp and power armor light.
97. [PS4] Starting SPECIAL = 7 - Changes starting SPECIAL stats to 1 in each category so you start weak.
98. No Enemy Respawns - Game areas don't respawn loot and enemies, after time have passed.
99. Accelerated Fast Travel - Fast travel takes less in-game time, should be also relevant to survival needs.
100. Time Scale Changed From 20 To 10 [PS4] - Day and night lasts twice as long.

Additionally after downloading:

• After installing the mod list, restart your PS4/PS5.
• Dont add or remove mods mid playthrough.
• Change game difficulty to survival in options.
• Play on performance 60fps. Newly added mode visual 60fps is more laggy and has awfull VATS framerate.
• If you want even more immersive settings, go to Settings, Gameplay and turn off quest markers or crosshair.
• Go to Options, Sound and reduce ambience level by 5-8 clicks and reverb by 2-3.
• Dont forget to change camera sensitivity (I play on max), next go to Options, Display and change hud color to blue or any other that makes sense (not red), lower transparency by 30% or more, set pip-boy colour to your preference (I use red pip-boy and minty hud to have the best compatibility with highlighting perks and scopes).

You can add/swap some mods if you want:

101... Immortal Cats - PS4 - Invincible cats, so you don't lose happiness increase when they die. Add after mod #83 \ 102... [PS4] STS - Extras - Living & Dead - Season Pass Version - You can get extra resources from scraping dead bodies in settlements. Watch out not to scrap someone alive. Place after mod #82. \ 103... Josephine Preset - Nice looking preset number 13 for female character creation. Change hair and other details if you want. Delete after leaving vault111 and saving (if you need mod list space that is). Add after mod #55. \ 104... Faster Positive Affinity For Companions - Removes cooldown between companions liking/hating your actions and gain five times more positive affinity. Swap with mod #91 if you want more cheaty version. \ 105... Silent Main Menu - To mute main menu sound, find duplicate sound slider named 'Master sound' and move it all the way to the left. Add after mod #41. \ 106... Quieter Settlements PS4 - Contraptions DLC - Quieter production lines. I ran out of space on mod list so this and next one are optional. Add after mod #34. \ 107... Quieter Settlements PS4 - Wasteland Workshop - Quieter fusion generators. Add after mod #34. \ 108... [PS4] Simple Settlers (Immortal Edition) - Instead of #33, so generic settlers don't die during settlement attacks. \ 109... Reduced Rubble Etc. - Safely reduces density of unimportant objects by 50-75%. Add after #44 or swap with #45. \ 110... Vrexia's Magical Rings - Add after #57 only if you get poison/perception bug where your PER is shown as (-1). You can offset it by equiping multiple rings from this mod (created at chem bench). Didnt found a better way yet. \ 111... Pip-Boy Flashlight (Brighter) - For a smaller, brighter flashlight swap #96 with #95 and replace #95 with this.

Remove, if you want:

Stock, ugly Pip-Boy color - #3 \ No tinkering with legendary effects - #5 \ No powerful groups wandering and attacking places - #15 \ Radstags to be less agressive - #17 \ Dont care about building - #20 #21 #22 \ Dont care about decorating settlements - #24 #25 \ Annoying wandering brahmins instead of dogs - #31 \ Cash register sounds when gaining exp - #39 \ Old vanilla dusk and dawn lighting - #49 \ Don't use VATS much - #53 #54 #55 \ Prefer old combat scopes - #64 #65 #66 \ Don't want uncover map perk and will never unlock it - #84 \ Don't have any weapon skins from Creation Club - #90 \ Faster leveling - #92 \ To gain building EXP - #94 \ Start with 7 extra SPECIAL points to distribute - #97 \ Loot and enemies respawn after time - #98 \ Fast travel to take time - #99 \ Days be vanilla length - #100

Known issues, bugs, glitches, exploits:

Some of those are present in vanilla game. I just mention every problem encountered during testing and not fully fixed. - Ground textures in and around sanctuary flicker black. FIX: Fixes itself. Possibly after short time or reload. - Creature cages cost too much in building menu. NO FIX: Did not found a safe and balanced fix yet, so cages are most likely out of reach, because cost is absurd. - Green chest containing flare gun and 10k flares after exiting vault 111. FIX: Mod dev forgot to delete it. Ignore it or if it bothers you much, remove mod #83, which I don't recommend doing. - Hubby secret basement in Sanctuary. NO FIX: Its up to you if you want to use its content. Just easier difficulty option, but not game breaking. - Hacking rank 4 seems useless or has wrong description. NO FIX: Needs proper check. - Wall turrets sometimes glitches and play sound on repeat. FIX: Re-enter the area or reload save. - Contact frag mines seems to have too low damage. FIX: Just dont craft them. Rest of new explosives should work fine even that it shows low damage values in description. - Perception low, constant (-1) PER in stats because of poison damage/resistance bug. FIX: Add mod #110 and equip perception rings. Dont delete the mod. Cant find safer solution for now. Rings dont take equipment slots. - Action girl perk have only one rank on female character and two on male. NO FIX: Just 25% AP regen loss at high level. Not a big deal. - Bubblegum seems to unintentionally quench thirst a bit and kind vendors give it for free. NO FIX: Free candies. Its better to use them to slow down time. - Incorrect cost to build concrete foundations. FIX: Use mod #20 to add tons of foundations in newly added category Structures-Concrete. - OCDecorator replaces creation club menu. FIX: Items from CC are still available in other building categories. Ignore or delete mod #24 + #25 if you dont care about its function. - Few perk descriptions might be slightly incorrect or missing. NO FIX: Nothing important to worry about. - Three street lights, powered water pump, industrial purifier and subway light have incorrect build costs. NO FIX: These have wrong values, but items like clean sofa or tv are more expensive to build on purpose though. - Pip-boy light wont transfer from first to third person camera view. FIX: Turn flashlight off and on. - Water surface sometimes flash black when moving underwater. NO FIX: Its not very noticable and you don't dive much in FO4 anyway. - Can't use Wattz Consumer Electronics terminal, animation stops. FIX: There is a radroach behind the wall. Kill it by swinging melee, explosives or reenter area. - Flashlight in Vault111 has incorrect beam look/color. FIX: It will fix itself after mods load right after you leave Vault111, dont worry.

v1.0 - Initial version.

Have fun!

I am an attorney in my 30s who lives in the United States. I own a law firm and am "successful" by most societal standards. The problem is that OCD, especially scrupulosity, is ruining my life and ability to practice law.
I can remember since the age of around 6 years old having OCD symptoms. Yet, they were typically mild/moderate and I was usually able to deal with them. I didn't really know what they were at the time, my family and friends largely just thought I was quirky. I've had themes related to checking, contamination, hyper-responsibility, and yes- scrupulosity. I grew up in a very Christian environment and went to a Christian school from 1st-12th grade. I used to be very religious, but not so much any longer. I am still open to the idea of God and Christianity, but am just questioning.
The challenge is that my OCD/Scrupulosity has taken a turn for the worse recently. I can barely function any longer. I am convinced that God hates me and is out to hurt me at every step of the way. If I am not 100% entirely truthful with my life (including practicing law- which is impossible to do), then I am convinced that God will hurt me if I don't "fix" whatever shortcoming/lie I did. As you can imagine, practicing law is all about gray areas and advocating for your client's position, which means bending the story/facts all the time. Yet recently, I cannot stop fixating on wrongs of my past, which are mostly minoinconsequential things that a non-OCD person would not think twice about, and at times I am paralyzed to make decisions on cases.
Added to this difficulty is the confirmation bias everywhere. If I am stuck in an OCD scrupulosity thought loop/episode, I'll tend to see number sequences/consecutive numbers and my brain will be CONVINCED that God is telling me that I'm terrible, in danger, and BETTER fix this "issue" or else utter calamity or damnation will occur. It is driving me mad and I can never rest. This plagues me almost every waking hour and puts my anxiety easily above a 7 or 8 out of 10. I have been having a lot of ideations lately as this is just not sustainable. I just started to try meds and am deeply hoping they provide relief. I feel like I can barely go on any longer.
It's crazy because one side of my brain can see all the good things that have happened in my life, and I acknowledge that I have it better than many struggling Americans in this tough economy, yet at the same time I feel like my life is over and I'm always going to feel like this. I just want permission to live and enjoy my days.
I know I should not be seeking reassurance, but any advice, encouragement, or loving words would go a long way. Thank you for reading this.

tl;dr: Guts, to Griffith, is the personification of his humanity. Only if Guts‘ only reason to live is to get revenge on Griffith can Griffith hold onto his wish for true human connection.
Hey everyone!
As someone who’s only gotten into Berserk pretty recently and has pretty much read it all back-to-back in one go, I’ve had a few thoughts on what I think Griffith’s current (as of Chapter 373, which is how far I’ve read since I only read paperback lol) intentions and motivations are. I’m also a psychology student which, as you will probably notice, influences a lot of my thoughts on the matter. I’d like to share those thoughts with you and hear your opinions.
There are two main chapters I’m basing this „theory“ on, though I will probably refer to some other scenes here and there. The main chapters I want to talk about are Ch. 28 and Ch. 373 (it’s worth mentioning that I’ve only read the English and German translations, so if anyone’s got further input based on the original text, please feel free to share).
So, to reiterate, in Ch. 28 Griffith shares a conversation with Lady Charlotte about who he would consider a friend, which Guts overhears. Griffith states that he’d only consider someone a friend who, like him, lives and dies only for their own dream instead of following someone elses dream. Only then would he consider them an equal and with that, a friend. It is implied that so far, he’s never met someone like that. This of course is the moment Guts decices to leave the Hawks to look for his own dream, so that one day Griffith may consider him his equal and friend.
A few chapters earlier, in the aftermath of the Hawks‘ fight against Zodd, Guts asks Griffith why he would do something so illogical as to risk his own life to save him. Griffith replies along the lines of „Do I need a reason?“ and leaves it at that.
I believe that, at this point, Griffith sees himself as being above others (shocker, I know). What’s important to note here is that being above others is not necessarily a good thing for the psyche. Humans are a social species and have a fundamental, inherent need to belong. If you consider yourself above all others, you’re alone, and that need is not met. I believe that is the reason Griffith at this point is known for acting logically, cold and calculating. By parting from his vulnerable emotions and desires, and thus his humanity, he avoids the agony of loneliness. However, parting with ones humanity is not something you can just… do. What I’m saying is that consciously, he copes by denying himself his own humanity, however subconsciously, he still feels the human need to belong and the loneliness of being ‚the only one on his level‘. That’s why his cryptic response to Guts is essentially an expression of his denial of his own humanity. Deep down, he knows the reason for risking his life for Guts is that he wants to consider Guts a friend. But if he were to admit that, he would also admit his humanity, which to him is a contradiction in his identity: he’s above all others and he will take everything he pleases because of that. If he were human, he could not achieve his dream.
Here is where I posit the main idea of my theory: Guts, to Griffith, is the personification of his humanity.
When Griffith fights Guts as he leaves the Hawks, he’s essentially fighting for his subconscious hope that one day he will find a way to reunite his humanity and his dream. As Guts leaves, Griffiths hope to reunite with his humanity leaves with him. Griffith’s smart; he knows that for a human, conquering everything and everyone is not a valid path to achieve long-term happiness and contentment. This is what Griffith breaks down about: his only hope to one day be truly content as a human being ripped away from him.
Now, there are a LOT of scenes that you could analyze from this perspective, but for this post, I want to skip straight to Ch. 373. In this Chapter, Griffith talks about how, as the Moonlight Boy, he felt a warm nostalgia, which turned into a vague sense of longing as he woke. The warm nostalgia of course being the need to belong, which was finally met for him as he could exist within a new identity that’s not built on being above all others. Here, he experienced all he ever subconsciously dreamed of as a human: being part of a family, and the warmth of human connection. The „sense of longing as he woke“ that he talks about is of course waking up as Griffith and realizing that the Moonlight Boy is not him. He’s Griffith, and he’s given up on his humanity long ago. Everything he ever really wanted deep down is something that he can never achieve. This is what he sheds his single tear about.
But there is one last hope for him. One last possible way to reunite his wish for humanity with his dream: Guts. As Griffith, he still believes that he cannot consider someone a friend who doesn’t have a dream that they live and die for so adamantly as he does for his. But here’s the „loophole“ (which he may or may not have had already realized at the point of the eclipse, which led him to… do what he did to Casca): If Guts finds his ‚dream‘, Griffith will be able to consider him a true friend, and thus have a true human connection while still holding onto his own dream of conquering everything. But there is only one ‚dream‘ that would motivate Guts to live his life only and only for that dream. And that dream is getting revenge on Griffith. For Guts to give his life to this dream, Griffith has to continuously fuel Guts‘ hatred for him. Only if Guts‘ only reason to live is killing Griffith can he consider Guts a friend and hold onto his humanity, buried somewhere deep down inside of him.
As the Moonlight Boy, especially in Elfheim, Griffith realizes that Guts is considering to give up on getting revenge – as Casca is healed and he found a bunch of new friends, Guts is considering to just settle down and live happily ever after. If he were to do that, to Griffith, he would give up on his dream once and for all. And Griffith can’t let that happen – if he did, by his logic, he would give up on his only friend, and thus, his own humanity, which he still longs for even now. That is why he steals Casca. To motivate Guts to once again live and die only by his hatred for Griffith and his ‚dream‘ of revenge.
Whew, that was quite a lot of text now that I look back at it. But yeah, that’s about as far as I’ve gotten in my 'theory', if you wanna call it that. As I‘ve said, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Thank you for reading!

Hiii! I am so sorry to ask again, I know I've already posted here. I've read up on the functions some more, and now I think I might be torn between two types... does anyone think they could help me? If you'd like me to try to help type you or someone else in return, I'm 100% open to it!
(Shoutout to Primary-List1685/RealNeag and Historical_Barber317 for their input last time, it was really helpful in my research and I appreciate it so much!! :D)
So as the title implies, I'm torn between INFJ and ISFJ. I'm confused about whether I'm an Ni-dom or Si-dom. Allow me to present the arguments for both. If I am confusing one for the other, please let me know! Thank you so much.
Ni-dom:

• I often have realizations/hunches that come out of nowhere and can tend to be correct. I can't really explain where they come from.
• I overthink things a lot and often wind up philosophizing in terms of meanings and the true "root" and "core" of things. I know getting existential doesn't necessarily mean Ni, but I was just working one day recently, and started thinking about humanity as a coherent whole, and how ultimately everything feeds into and contributes, or doesn't, to each other, and debating with myself if it really matters in the great expanse of the universe. I do get like this a lot, although I try not to, and I'm not really sure if it certainly indicates me being an Ni-dom? I would appreciate any prodding questions or advice about this!
• I don't really mind hypothetical and abstract conversations about things detached from reality, and do find them rather entertaining.
• I can be rather clumsy and poorly coordinated at times, and accidentally focus so intently on something I tune out reality.
• I am an RLOAI in Big 5, and I've heard being Inquisitive is less common for Si-doms. Doesn't mean I'm not one, but I thought it could be important to mention!

Si-dom:

• I know good memory isn't equal to Si, but I tend to remember very specific details of events. Such as how hot the sun was, how blue the sky was, I even recall the exact date I went to Wendy's with my family when I was playing Amazing World one day, and it was over 10 years ago now. Oftentimes in conversation I'll make connections between similarities in present and past events!
• Not sure if this is related to Si or not, but I'm very good with backstories. I'll assign a character a backstory that seems to truly explain every aspect of how they came to be who they were that day. It's a talent a lot of people have commented on.
• I do tend to get very attached to objects that are meaningful to me. I'll often try to obtain something to remember an experience, and I might get upset if we're moving or if my family gets rid of the old car. I tend to be very clingy of these possessions. Apparently, as a small child, I was only able to be comforted when we moved by the fact I got to take my favorite blanket with me. However... I've heard an attachment to objects and resistance to change can be an autistic trait, and I am diagnosed with autism. I can't seem to figure out if it has to do with my autism, or Si.
• I am very anxious about the future, and certainty is very comforting to me. It's nice when I can get used to something and know it'll always be there. This is also a potential point against me being an Ni-dom, because I do not think I am good when it comes to predicting the future.
• When things don't line up the way they should in reality in a piece of media, I can't help but dwell on it. I know certain things aren't meant to be realistic, but I do still find myself wondering about them.
• I dwell on my past mistakes a lot and worry about them defining me. This could point to Si because of how much importance I lend to past impressions. However, at the same time, I don't really want to think about the past at all and try to focus on the future.

Misc:

• I'm very good at making assumptions about people that tend to be correct based on their behavior? I'm not sure if it's Si or Ni-related, though.
• I'm not very spontaneous, and tend to plan out matters of importance. However, although I tend to do a lot of the same things every day (although which ones I do vary), I don't plan every aspect of every day.
• I am slow to react/adapt to changes in my physical environment. However, I do tend to notice things such as, "Hey, isn't that different?"
• Under stress, and, here comes the issue... either I tend to worry a lot about the worst-case scenarios of everything and the future, or I'll start impulsively indulging in sensory stimuli in ways I regret, such as drinking. I'm not sure if I use inferior Se or inferior Ne for this reason.
• I do not have many ideas. I can think of random things, or things detached from reality, but my ideas and theories tend to be limited in number. Although a select few do come to me at times.

Please feel free to ask me any questions if you have any in mind, or to poke and prod at any of the points I've made. A lot of my confusion here comes from how I'm not really sure what comes more naturally to me... I know Ni-doms can be practical at times just like Si-doms can think in abstract terms, and it would be really nice if someone could tell me what this sounds more like. Thank you!

Hello! I wrote a graphic novel and am currently illustrating it. I am querying agents and collecting rejections. Any critiques on my query letter would be appreciated. Thanks!
Query: The Light Treaders, Fantasy Graphic Novel for Upper Middle Grade
Dear AGENT,
My name is [Me] and I have written and am currently illustrating a graphic novel titled The Light Treaders.
There are so many agents to choose from it can be quite overwhelming! I read through the profiles on WEBSITE and your profile feels like the best fit for my book and my personality.
Nayel works in the tavern where she was left behind as a child. The tavern's owner Ruthie Lane has taken her in and loves her like a granddaughter. An old friend of Ruthie stops in and wants Nayel to join them on their little quest. They are headed into The Wounded Woods to find the Codex Caverns. There is rumored to be a book that contains the cure to an illness the queen has been fighting for some time now. Brianna is strong, quiet and obviously a skilled fighter. Daphne is the top student in her school and knows a lot about magic. What can Nayel do? She has only ever been a waitress. Anxious and unsure Nayel agrees to go on this mission. Along the way the three encounter flying snakes, bullying berry bushes, The Angry Oak and other dangerous creatures. They learn about each other, becoming friends and they learn about themselves, revealing their strengths and weaknesses.
The Light Treaders is full of heart, humor, magic, mystery and adventure. Parents and teachers will find that the young women in this story work together and lift up each other even while doubting themselves. The Light Treaders is aimed for upper middle grade readers. The characters solve problems, fight monsters, make jokes, find confidence, discover weakness all while becoming friends.
The Light Treaders is similar to The Adventure Zone series except that it is for children and the main characters are female. Kids that like Amulet, The Babysitters Club, and Phoebe and Her Unicorn will like The Light Treaders.
The book comes to about 178 pages with an average of 8 panels per page, and around 9000 words. I have created a dummy graphic novel with sketches, texts and frames in place. I also have about 15 pages where all the art work is completed. I would love to send pdfs showing my work at your request.
I hope you enjoy what you read and I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
Thanks so much,

When I was three years old I was in a really bad car accident. I didn't know it at the time, but that singular event would come to define everything about my life moving forward. What I remember about the accident is mostly a collage of backdated comments I was able to reel out of my father in the following years. He was driving me and my mom in his old '91 Chevy Tahoe through the twisting backroads of Southern Illinois, weaving his way through the gnarled branches of oak trees which interlocked into a braided ceiling overhead. A fog had rolled in, giving the impression that we were driving through a cloudy tube. Everything was simultaneously bright and opaque. I didn't mind though, as I was in the back seat working on a coloring book. My mom was in the front, talking with my dad or turning around to entertain my completed pictures.
Although I was of the age where my memory was just beginning to mature, I still recall two things very clearly from the accident. First was the sensation of breaking. I remember feeling the way a plate must feel to be dropped: weightless at first, then suddenly meeting a much larger, more solid object—the air popped like a firecracker, and the entirety of my body shattered into hundreds of fractals. And then I remember a hand. It was my dad's hand pulling me from the wreck.
I ended up hospitalized for weeks after the crash. My mom was less lucky. The impact had killed her instantly.
As I've alluded to, I was young, and at the time I didn't fully understand the implications of what had happened. I knew something was missing, but it was like a word on the tip of my tongue, or the forgotten vanilla in a cherished cake recipe—coloring my experience, but not the whole of it. Not like my dad. For him, it was the whole fucking cake. He had somehow made it out with only a few scratches. I'm sure he had a really bad case of survivor's guilt, and frankly, looking back, I wouldn't have blamed him if he slumped into despair and spent his days drinking away his sorrow. But he wasn't that type of man. He got help. It took him years before he was able to recall anything that happened that morning, and most of it is still repressed, but he shared with me what he could. Or at least that's what I had thought.
My dad was a Middle School teacher since before I was born, and he kept his job until very recently. As a result, we didn't have much by way of resources. I grew up on Disney Channel and TV dinners for the most part, but I didn't mind. When I became of school age, his job actually made caring for me pretty convenient. Since our Elementary and Middle schools were connected, he was able to drive me there and back each day.
It was around third or fourth grade that I realized I was different. I didn't understand the other children or even the adults most of the time. They would say things then immediately change their mind, or they would talk about something and in the next breath forget its existence entirely. I remember one day at lunch, I had just gotten my tray of hot food and sat down with some friends. One of the kids, Alex, was talking about a stuffed bird he had won for getting first place in Mr. Curtis's pop-up math competition. We were all admiring its blue wings and white belly and sharp black beak and beady eyes. I left mid-conversation to get a chocolate milk. When I came back, I asked to see the bird again, and Alex said "what bird?" I was perplexed. "The bird—the bluejay you were just showing us." I remember all of the other kids looking at me like I was crazy. I figured they were all playing a trick on me, so I got up and went over to Alex's seat and crouched down, looking under the table, then I sprung up and tried to open his lunchbox. "What are you doing!?" he yelled. I felt so confused and embarrassed that I ran to the bathroom to cry.
And then there was another time a group of kids were laughing about a joke one of the girls, Taylor, had made about our homeroom teacher's face looking like a seal. I knew it was mean, but at the time I just wanted to fit in so I played along, but when I made a comment about her resemblance to the semi-aquatic animal, they all looked at me confused. "What are you talking about? We never said that…"
These misattributions kept happening, and it led to me being ostracized from most of the little childish cliques that popped up. I developed a quasi-standoffish temperament which I used as a shield against a chaotic world that I didn't understand. My dad eventually had me tested for ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), but I passed the test. He asked if I wanted to move to a different town with different schoolmates, thinking that perhaps I was getting bullied, but I told him it was fine. Somewhere deep down I felt like no matter where I went, this problem would follow me.
You may think that I was simply coping with the absence of my mom, and while I'm sure that her absence has left certain holes in my life, kindly, no, that wasn't what was happening. You see, at first I didn't notice the instances of what I'll call "blinking". I simply thought that I was misremembering things: objects, words, events. They were all little things anyway. A bird, a joke, my pencil box. It wasn't until sixth grade that I realized the magnitude of the phenomenon.
I was in my dad's 6th grade Social Studies class and we had just been assigned our "Ancient Civilizations" project which involved creating a diorama of our chosen civilization and presenting its features to the class. My friend at the time, Claire, had taken my first choice of Ancient Rome (which we had a heated argument about at lunch), so I was left with Ancient Egypt. At the time, all I pictured for Egypt was a plate of sand. However, my dad and I went through some illustrated history books and pictures on the internet and he really built up the project for me.
Over the course of a couple months, he helped me shape three pyramids out of small wooden planks and a bunch of tan clay. We placed them in the center of a giant square shoebox lid which served as the container for the diorama. Then he bought some small wooden mannequin puppets and we dressed them up in cloth clothes (mostly kilts and tunics) and colored their eyes, mouths, and hair. We added a few obelisks and some small box-huts which were collected into a little village around the Nile. Finally, we added a light glaze of glue where we felt would be necessary and then covered the whole project with golden glitter.
As we worked on each part of the diorama, my dad helped me understand what we were adding and why it was important to Ancient Egypt. I loved the way he talked about history. He spun everything into a miraculous story. To this day, I don't think I've ever had a teacher who came close to his level of charisma and creativity. As a result, I became really proud of my diorama. I memorized all the little details and rehearsed my speech in front of the mirror for hours leading up to the last couple weeks of class. And then, two days before I was supposed to give my presentation, everything fell apart.
First, I need to apologize for deceiving you about an aspect of my story. I thought it might help you to understand what I was going through at the time. What I'm about to tell you is going to sound insane. I get that. But please hear me out. The truth is that I was never assigned to present on Ancient Egypt; everything else about Clair taking my first pick and dad helping me with the whole project and my excitement leading up to the presentation was all true, but it wasn't a project on Ancient Egypt, it was a project on Ancient Sidovan, which was a civilization located on the eighth continent called "Catalan" (the same name as the spoken language, but unrelated) which was due West of Australia in the Indian Ocean.
I know this sounds incredible, and if you want to believe it's all in my head, I get that, but I remember clearly all sorts of facts about it: the Malagasy, the same people who populated Madagascar, were the first peoples to discover Catalan and settle it. However, about five hundred years later, Indian ships would arrive and create the civilization known as Sidovan. A pidgin language formed between the indigenous population and new arriving Indians called "Hiesa" (pronounced: Hai-E-suh or Hai-ʔ-suh). Catalan had a warm climate with plenty of natural resources, but Sidovan had a dense enough population to require agricultural production. They grew rice, grain, sugarcane, vegetables, and even tobacco.
I remembered all of these facts and more. My diorama reflected the main features of the Sidovan civilization. And then two days before my presentation, I woke up and my diorama was entirely different. The hilly grasslands were traded out for sandy dunes. The Hindu statues and stone palaces became clay pyramids and large spear-like pillars. And everything was covered with the ickiest yellow glitter I had ever seen. Tears stung my eyes as I trampled over to my dad's room and banged on his door. "Dad! What did you do!?" I yelled.
"Honey?" He responded, rushing over to the base of the stairs. "What's wrong?"
"The diorama. It's ruined!"
"It's what?" he asked and ran up the stairs, leading me to my room. He looked over it for a few seconds, checking to see if everything was intact, then said, "I don't see it, honey. Where is it ruined?"
I was completely dumb-struck. What did he mean he didn't see it? "All of it!" I shouted. "The whole thing is wrong. Where's the grass and the stone buildings and the lady with the four arms and the elephants? Where is my project!?"
My dad looked at me in silence. "Lauren, baby, what civilization do you think you were working on?"
"Ancient Sidovan, of course! We've been working on this for months now! Dad, please tell me you remember."
He knelt down and put his hands on my shoulders. "Honey, your project was on Ancient Egypt. There is no Ancient Sidovan."
"Y-you're lying." I protested. "Books, you have books. On your bookshelf."
He took me into his study and showed me all of his books. None of them were on Ancient Sidovan. He even turned on his computer and typed in the name of the civilization, but all that came up was a near match "Sidon". I remember feeling the sudden urge to puke. My entire body felt like it was pumping battery acid instead of blood. "I—I don't," I started but suddenly my head felt very light, and I fainted.
When I woke up, I was in the hospital. I had lost consciousness for over half an hour, enough time for my dad to call 9-1-1 and have the ambulance transport me to the nearest ER. They ran all sorts of tests on me, but they all came back fine. After a couple hours of IV fluids and monitoring, they released me with my dad.
I ended up skipping the rest of school that week. My dad didn't make me present my diorama. In fact, he never brought the subject up again. Part of me was glad. I just wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened. But another part of me couldn't move past what was clearly the most absurd thing to ever happen to me. About a week after the incident, I tried to broach the subject, but when I asked my dad about it, he didn't seem to remember our conversation at all. He said I had fallen ill and that's why I needed to go to the ER and miss class. I felt like I was going crazy. If I was older, I probably would have voluntarily checked myself into a psychiatric ward. But I was young and helpless and alone, and I decided that if I just ignored the changes well enough, I could still get along. This proved difficult though, as the blinking would only exacerbate in the coming months.
Up until the time of the project, I hadn't been able to directly observe the phenomenon. It was always in retrospect that things disappeared. It was during the summer after sixth grade that this changed. I still remember the first time it happened. I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying my hair in front of the mirror. After it was dried, I threw on my clothes then went to tie my hair up in a ponytail, but as I went to set the elastic tie, I felt its weight dissipate in my hand. I gasped and held my hand out. The circular black band was gone.
Fast forward to seventh grade and the blinking had spiraled out of control. Reflecting back on it, most people would probably have assumed I was drinking psilocybin-infused water, as the delusions were somewhat consistent with psychedelic phenomena: except these distortions were real (at least they felt that way to me).
I'd wake up and grab the box of Special K but end up eating Cheerios. The McDonalds logo would look yellow and red one day, but purple and black the next. I'd be watching a show, and then a different show, and then a different one. It was as if the entire universe was a Christmas tree with millions of lights, and the lights kept shifting hues randomly, faster and faster, and I was the only one who could see their changing colors. I remember one night my dad made spaghetti for dinner and we went out onto the porch to eat it. While we were sitting, I saw our neighbor's house, a two story townhome, blink and become a single story bungalow. I gasped, and my dad asked what was wrong, but when I tried to explain he just gave me a strange look. For him, no matter what changed, the world was "always that way". While for me, it didn't have "a way".
The situation peaked when Clair, that friend I mentioned before, disappeared. I texted her (my dad had bought me a BlackBerry at the beginning of summer break) but didn't get a response. When I asked her other friends if they knew where she was, I got the usual "what are you talking about?" look. I knew right away what had happened, even though I didn't want to believe it. I went to the teacher and asked if there was a Clair in our class. She said "no". I broke down in front of everyone. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran out of school. The lady at the front desk tried to stop me, but I just barrelled past her. I kept running until I got to a big park across the street and bawled my eyes out until the police arrived and escorted me home. When they tried asking me what was wrong, I didn't say anything. There was literally nothing I could say that they would understand.
That night I prayed to God for the first time. My dad wasn't a religious man. He went to Catholic church with my mom when she was alive, but after she died he never went back. Still, I knew how to pray, even if I never did it. I copied some of the people I saw praying in movies and interlocked my fingers and knelt down on my bed, stuffing my head into a pillow. "Dear God," I said, "Please, please, please help me." I told Him about my struggles and asked Him to make them stop. I spent an hour saying the same things over and over again. And when I was finished, my little body was so tired, I fell right to sleep.
I knew something was different the second I opened my eyelids. I didn't only feel relieved, but I felt… embraced. I felt like someone was watching over me. I felt like I wasn't alone. I moved through my day with cautious apprehension. I didn't want to get my hopes up only to be let down. But to my surprise, the blinking had stopped. At least I couldn't remember any of the inconsistencies, and to me, that was a win. I began to pray regularly, and the more I did, the more I could feel the sense that someone was looking out for me. It was like I was getting a big hug from some cosmic force that loved me and wanted me to be happy.
I made it a habit to pray regularly. I asked my dad if he could take me to a church, and he agreed to take me to St. Mark's, the same church that he and my mom used to attend. Over time, I realized that the actual church services weren't as important to me as the praying. For whatever reason, there was something about praying that was like a glue for my brain, holding the entire universe together. As I got older, I considered that maybe it wasn't that the changes were no longer happening, but that I simply didn't see them anymore. In other words, maybe I was just becoming like everyone else. Either way, I didn't mind.
In my teenage years, I got into mindfulness meditation. I thought that I'd want to go into religious studies and become a theologian, so I started to learn about Eastern traditions in addition to Christianity. I joined a bunch of different school clubs to meet kids of different faiths: Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam. I tried to find a common thread which linked them all and would explain what happened to me as a child. The metaphors of Heaven and Hell, Good and Evil, the Taoist Yin and Yang—duality. Every religion seemed to speak about a way of being that would lead to a better place. In some cases that better place was a physical future existence, and in others it was merely being in contact with the perfection of nature or the present. Metaphorically, the teachings could explain what I had gone through in a kind of loose way, but there were no explicit statements about my condition.
***
I want to fast forward to why I've decided to write about this now. To give you an idea of where I'm at, I'm now 25 and working on finishing my MA in Computational Linguistics. I know that's a bit of a switch from what I was thinking when I was a teenager, but I really only interested in religion because of the value praying afforded me as a child. I didn't actually have much interest in the subject, itself. After my first year of college, I changed to an English major, which ultimately led to me taking a linguistics class and enjoying it so much that I switched tracks in my Junior year. Considering the state of the world, I thought minoring in Computer Science might help me financially in the future, so I ended up charting a path which I figured might lead to something like developing translation software.
Anyway, everything was going fine until a few weeks ago. I was out at an all-night diner with a few of my friends from the program. There was Jeremy, Martin, Bella, Jordan, and Macy. We had been working on a group project together involving modeling construction grammars by generating primitive 3D structures using C# and running the code through a game engine (it's a bit weird, but essentially we were trying to create a multidimensional model for language using a similar but more advanced concept than other LLMs), and just had a breakthrough. It was 2AM though and not a brain cell existed between the six of us, so instead we focused on a different problem: Macy's ongoing breakup with her semi-long distance trucker boyfriend. We tried to explain why Mike wasn't going to work out as we ordered a round of milkshakes and waited for the lone overnight kitchen worker to scoop out three balls of ice cream from the Deans carton for each of us, blend it, then have the server deliver the vintage diner glasses on a plastic tray.
I dug into my thick strawberry shake with a spoon. It was delicious. I kept eating but focused back on the conversation. I remember feeling something odd about one of the scoops, but I was so entrenched in Macy's story that I didn't notice the metal shard in my ice cream until I felt it against my lip. "P-tuh" I spat out the shard and ice cream all in one motion, then covered my mouth which I was sure was bleeding. The silver blade was probably as large as my thumb, and it had two jagged edges, as if it was fastened for the purpose of causing damage. "What the fuck!" I yelled.
Everyone at the table turned to see what was the matter. "Hey, Lauren, you okay?"
I spoke through a covered mouth, using my free hand to point at the table. "That was in my—"
But it was gone.
"In your… shake? Was something in your shake?" asked Jeremy.
I froze. In that moment, the stories of my childhood that I had only remembered as faint nightmares came back in a wave of crushing terror. How could I have been so stupid to think they would simply vanish forever? No, this isn't the same thing, I thought. But deep down, I knew it was. I drew my hand away from my lips and saw that it was dry—no blood. When I looked back up, all of the blood in my veins went cold. My friends were… smiling at me. Their lips were elastic like taffy, stretching to reveal their teeth. I could feel them radiating malevolence, as if the only thing holding them back from picking up their utensils and stabbing me to death was some thinly veiled force field. The moment lasted for what felt like half a minute, then Jordan said two words which made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
"Found you"
The words ricocheted in my now adrenaline powered skull. But just as he spoke them, the world blinked and my friends were back. Bella reached out and grabbed my hand. I pulled away, but when I saw her concerned expression, I relented.
"Sorry, guys, I think I'm going to have to call it." I said.
"You sure, L?" asked Jordan. "You look like you just saw a ghost."
"Yeah, thanks, but I just…" I stumbled for a lie, but when one wouldn't come, Martin stood up and said he'd walk me out to my car.
"Thanks," I said as I got into my little 2015 Jetta. "It's just been a long day."
"No problem, Lauren. You know, if there's ever anything—"
"I know," I said but didn't mean. Some things just couldn't be shared.
I drove for about five minutes before stopping at a gas station. I pulled in and parked near the back. Then I interlocked my fingers and prayed for half an hour. I apologized for not taking my praying seriously and asked to once again be granted peace. Unlike my younger years, I also drifted into other avenues of thought. I imagined my mom. I pictured the whole arc of my life, all of the little decisions that led me to where I was. I cried for a long time. I felt like that little girl again reaching out for help. I still felt so lost, so out of control; there were so many things missing, and I was so confused.
I decided then to take a trip back home and visit my dad who was now working as a private tutor. He made enough prepping affluent students for the ACT and SAT that he could spend his free time pursuing his real passions: reading and writing. When I arrived at his doorstep that weekend, he greeted me with open arms. "How are you, kiddo? It's been, what? A year or so?"
It was actually more like two years, but I didn't tell him. I just smiled and nodded.
"Well, come in."
The house was almost exactly how I remembered it. Linoleum floors, beige walls, a few scattered pictures, the scent of camomile. Everything minimalist. There was a quaintness, a prettiness to the way everything seemed to be well kept and in a perfect place. From the cherry wood chairs we'd sit in to eat, to the cream-colored loveseat. I felt at home.
I spent the drive thinking of what I would talk to my dad about, but ultimately I wasn't sure what I'd say. I loved my dad, but I think growing up it was easy to see him as naive. After all, arguably the most important episodes of my childhood were completely unknown to him. In that way, I kind of loved him from a distance. Maybe losing my mom also played into that. Maybe I just had trust issues. And after what happened at the diner… Luckily there hadn't been any blinks since.
I stayed for a couple days and he showed me around some of the different coffee shops where he'd tutor kids or write some of his stories. I met some of his friends, mostly other retired or part-time teachers who were in a similar place in life. I was happy for him. Then, on Sunday, he made me my favorite meal growing up: homemade carbonara pasta with chicken and broccoli. The sauce had a few different cheeses, butter, olive oil, and a raw egg yolk. It was the perfect blend of creamy, savory, and sweet. After we ate, he cracked open a scrapbook of some old photos and other clippings he had put together.
We reminisced about the past and laughed whenever I'd cover up one of my awkward pictures. He brought up some stories from school that I had forgotten, naming some teachers that I hadn't thought about in years. Apparently I had started at the end, because as I moved to the other end of the book, I kept getting younger and younger. I flipped to the last pages and noticed a couple pictures of my mom that made my heart sink.
"She was beautiful, wasn't she?" said my dad.
"Mmm," I agreed.
I flipped to the last page and saw a collage of newspaper clippings. One of them was related to the accident. It was headlined: "Two Survive Head-On Collision". After a cursory glance at the text, I noticed something odd. It said, "Both the husband and child, a three year old girl, sustained life-threatening wounds. The husband was found unconscious on the scene. The girl was found twenty meters away from the vehicle, crying." I swallowed, trying to remember back to what happened that day. The feeling of crashing, of the world slowing down, then breaking, returned. And then there was a hand. My dad's hand. Or was it? If he was unconscious, who pulled me out of that wreck?
I looked up at my dad. He was smiling.
I shot up and started backing up slowly toward the door. "No, not you, too. What is this? What's happening? Who are you?"
My dad, or whatever was controlling him, laughed."Oh, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. You know who we are." he purred as he stood up. He lifted his hands and the lights began to flicker then bend in a way which shouldn't have been possible. Dark figures began to propagate from the shadows along the walls. The pictures nailed there began to blink out of existence. I turned to run toward the door but the handle was gone. Glass shards materialized all around me and swarmed like locusts. Certain I was going to die, I dropped down on my knees and once again turned to prayer, this time asking God to directly intervene and save me.
Everything went quiet.
"Honey? Are you okay?"
I didn't trust his voice. I knew if I opened my eyes, I'd see that awful smile. He was just toying with me. "It's not you," I said in between muttered prayers. "I know it's not you."
"Honey," my dad said, closer. I felt his arms wrap around me. This was it, I was going to be suffocated. I waited for the inevitable crushing weight of my chest collapsing. I waited to break all over again.
"I would never hurt you, Lauren. I love you more than anything in the whole world."
I burst out in tears. "No, it's not you, I know it's not you. You don't exist!"
My dad's weight dissipated. I opened my eyes and saw that he was no longer there. "Dad?" I called aloud. "Dad? Where did you go?"
I checked all over the house, but there was no trace of him. There were still pictures of him all over the house, so I knew he hadn't blinked out of existence like everything else, but somehow he was missing.
***
I left the house and got a room at a hotel, where I am now. I'm sure at this point that whatever is happening to me is no longer random. Something out there is actively trying to hunt me. Maybe it has been my whole life, but only now it can see me—however weird that sounds. If that's right, then God has been on my side trying to protect me from this demon or monster or devil or whatever it is. Regardless, the methods I was using when I was younger are not going to cut it anymore. I already posted my story in several other small circles and have gotten one reply. A man who goes by the name "Trent" (apparently it's an alias). He said that he has some insight into my "condition" and can offer help if I want it. I'm planning on meeting with him tomorrow. I'm not sure if it's a good idea, but at this point I need answers. I can keep you updated with my progress if that interests you, and to anyone who knows anything about what's happening to me, please… I could really use your help.
***
I was just about to post this when Trent sent another message. This is what it says:
Trent: We can do the \*** at **** O'clock. Also, if what you're telling me is true, your mother may still be alive.*

My main goal is to pain the exterior of my home. Apart from that i may use it for a project here or there or to paint another house a couple years later.
So heres the thing. I was initially thinking about purchasing the x7. It is the only thing that is around my budget of $500. I do not want to rent anything or buy more expensive products i can not afford. I dont want to buy used products because i do not want to spend $500 on a product with no warranty. I realize these machines arent professional grade even though theyre expensive. This post is purely for a comparison betwee the x5 and x7
In my previous post there were a lot of users mentioning the x5. After taking a closer look at it, the main difference between the x5 and x7 is that the 7 comes with 50 more foot of hose and 1/8 more HP. However they both operate at 3000psi max.
Ive also looked at the x7 in person and honestly the build quality for the cart is cheap. The tubing feels thin, feet are all riveted, the wheels look super cheap.
Looking at videos however the smaller x5 seems to operate less than the x7. I dont know if its just the settings theyre using or the fact that it has 50 less feet of hose to pump. It is very hard to actually see how theyre spraying because most videos show timelapses and are edited. Most of them focus on unboxing, features and cleaning. Not many full videos showing spraying.
The videos i have found of the x5 spraying look better or at minimum comparable to x7. I think this is because of the smaller hose, despite the lower HP motor.

When I was three years old I was in a really bad car accident. I didn't know it at the time, but that singular event would come to define everything about my life moving forward. What I remember about the accident is mostly a collage of backdated comments I was able to reel out of my father in the following years. He was driving me and my mom in his old '91 Chevy Tahoe through the twisting backroads of Southern Illinois, weaving his way through the gnarled branches of oak trees which interlocked into a braided ceiling overhead. A fog had rolled in, giving the impression that we were driving through a cloudy tube. Everything was simultaneously bright and opaque. I didn't mind though, as I was in the back seat working on a coloring book. My mom was in the front, talking with my dad or turning around to entertain my completed pictures.
Although I was of the age where my memory was just beginning to mature, I still recall two things very clearly from the accident. First was the sensation of breaking. I remember feeling the way a plate must feel to be dropped: weightless at first, then suddenly meeting a much larger, more solid object—the air popped like a firecracker, and the entirety of my body shattered into hundreds of fractals. And then I remember a hand. It was my dad's hand pulling me from the wreck.
I ended up hospitalized for weeks after the crash. My mom was less lucky. The impact had killed her instantly.
As I've alluded to, I was young, and at the time I didn't fully understand the implications of what had happened. I knew something was missing, but it was like a word on the tip of my tongue, or the forgotten vanilla in a cherished cake recipe—coloring my experience, but not the whole of it. Not like my dad. For him, it was the whole fucking cake. He had somehow made it out with only a few scratches. I'm sure he had a really bad case of survivor's guilt, and frankly, looking back, I wouldn't have blamed him if he slumped into despair and spent his days drinking away his sorrow. But he wasn't that type of man. He got help. It took him years before he was able to recall anything that happened that morning, and most of it is still repressed, but he shared with me what he could. Or at least that's what I had thought.
My dad was a Middle School teacher since before I was born, and he kept his job until very recently. As a result, we didn't have much by way of resources. I grew up on Disney Channel and TV dinners for the most part, but I didn't mind. When I became of school age, his job actually made caring for me pretty convenient. Since our Elementary and Middle schools were connected, he was able to drive me there and back each day.
It was around third or fourth grade that I realized I was different. I didn't understand the other children or even the adults most of the time. They would say things then immediately change their mind, or they would talk about something and in the next breath forget its existence entirely. I remember one day at lunch, I had just gotten my tray of hot food and sat down with some friends. One of the kids, Alex, was talking about a stuffed bird he had won for getting first place in Mr. Curtis's pop-up math competition. We were all admiring its blue wings and white belly and sharp black beak and beady eyes. I left mid-conversation to get a chocolate milk. When I came back, I asked to see the bird again, and Alex said "what bird?" I was perplexed. "The bird—the bluejay you were just showing us." I remember all of the other kids looking at me like I was crazy. I figured they were all playing a trick on me, so I got up and went over to Alex's seat and crouched down, looking under the table, then I sprung up and tried to open his lunchbox. "What are you doing!?" he yelled. I felt so confused and embarrassed that I ran to the bathroom to cry.
And then there was another time a group of kids were laughing about a joke one of the girls, Taylor, had made about our homeroom teacher's face looking like a seal. I knew it was mean, but at the time I just wanted to fit in so I played along, but when I made a comment about her resemblance to the semi-aquatic animal, they all looked at me confused. "What are you talking about? We never said that…"
These misattributions kept happening, and it led to me being ostracized from most of the little childish cliques that popped up. I developed a quasi-standoffish temperament which I used as a shield against a chaotic world that I didn't understand. My dad eventually had me tested for ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), but I passed the test. He asked if I wanted to move to a different town with different schoolmates, thinking that perhaps I was getting bullied, but I told him it was fine. Somewhere deep down I felt like no matter where I went, this problem would follow me.
You may think that I was simply coping with the absence of my mom, and while I'm sure that her absence has left certain holes in my life, kindly, no, that wasn't what was happening. You see, at first I didn't notice the instances of what I'll call "blinking". I simply thought that I was misremembering things: objects, words, events. They were all little things anyway. A bird, a joke, my pencil box. It wasn't until sixth grade that I realized the magnitude of the phenomenon.
I was in my dad's 6th grade Social Studies class and we had just been assigned our "Ancient Civilizations" project which involved creating a diorama of our chosen civilization and presenting its features to the class. My friend at the time, Claire, had taken my first choice of Ancient Rome (which we had a heated argument about at lunch), so I was left with Ancient Egypt. At the time, all I pictured for Egypt was a plate of sand. However, my dad and I went through some illustrated history books and pictures on the internet and he really built up the project for me.
Over the course of a couple months, he helped me shape three pyramids out of small wooden planks and a bunch of tan clay. We placed them in the center of a giant square shoebox lid which served as the container for the diorama. Then he bought some small wooden mannequin puppets and we dressed them up in cloth clothes (mostly kilts and tunics) and colored their eyes, mouths, and hair. We added a few obelisks and some small box-huts which were collected into a little village around the Nile. Finally, we added a light glaze of glue where we felt would be necessary and then covered the whole project with golden glitter.
As we worked on each part of the diorama, my dad helped me understand what we were adding and why it was important to Ancient Egypt. I loved the way he talked about history. He spun everything into a miraculous story. To this day, I don't think I've ever had a teacher who came close to his level of charisma and creativity. As a result, I became really proud of my diorama. I memorized all the little details and rehearsed my speech in front of the mirror for hours leading up to the last couple weeks of class. And then, two days before I was supposed to give my presentation, everything fell apart.
First, I need to apologize for deceiving you about an aspect of my story. I thought it might help you to understand what I was going through at the time. What I'm about to tell you is going to sound insane. I get that. But please hear me out. The truth is that I was never assigned to present on Ancient Egypt; everything else about Clair taking my first pick and dad helping me with the whole project and my excitement leading up to the presentation was all true, but it wasn't a project on Ancient Egypt, it was a project on Ancient Sidovan, which was a civilization located on the eighth continent called "Catalan" (the same name as the spoken language, but unrelated) which was due West of Australia in the Indian Ocean.
I know this sounds incredible, and if you want to believe it's all in my head, I get that, but I remember clearly all sorts of facts about it: the Malagasy, the same people who populated Madagascar, were the first peoples to discover Catalan and settle it. However, about five hundred years later, Indian ships would arrive and create the civilization known as Sidovan. A pidgin language formed between the indigenous population and new arriving Indians called "Hiesa" (pronounced: Hai-E-suh or Hai-ʔ-suh). Catalan had a warm climate with plenty of natural resources, but Sidovan had a dense enough population to require agricultural production. They grew rice, grain, sugarcane, vegetables, and even tobacco.
I remembered all of these facts and more. My diorama reflected the main features of the Sidovan civilization. And then two days before my presentation, I woke up and my diorama was entirely different. The hilly grasslands were traded out for sandy dunes. The Hindu statues and stone palaces became clay pyramids and large spear-like pillars. And everything was covered with the ickiest yellow glitter I had ever seen. Tears stung my eyes as I trampled over to my dad's room and banged on his door. "Dad! What did you do!?" I yelled.
"Honey?" He responded, rushing over to the base of the stairs. "What's wrong?"
"The diorama. It's ruined!"
"It's what?" he asked and ran up the stairs, leading me to my room. He looked over it for a few seconds, checking to see if everything was intact, then said, "I don't see it, honey. Where is it ruined?"
I was completely dumb-struck. What did he mean he didn't see it? "All of it!" I shouted. "The whole thing is wrong. Where's the grass and the stone buildings and the lady with the four arms and the elephants? Where is my project!?"
My dad looked at me in silence. "Lauren, baby, what civilization do you think you were working on?"
"Ancient Sidovan, of course! We've been working on this for months now! Dad, please tell me you remember."
He knelt down and put his hands on my shoulders. "Honey, your project was on Ancient Egypt. There is no Ancient Sidovan."
"Y-you're lying." I protested. "Books, you have books. On your bookshelf."
He took me into his study and showed me all of his books. None of them were on Ancient Sidovan. He even turned on his computer and typed in the name of the civilization, but all that came up was a near match "Sidon". I remember feeling the sudden urge to puke. My entire body felt like it was pumping battery acid instead of blood. "I—I don't," I started but suddenly my head felt very light, and I fainted.
When I woke up, I was in the hospital. I had lost consciousness for over half an hour, enough time for my dad to call 9-1-1 and have the ambulance transport me to the nearest ER. They ran all sorts of tests on me, but they all came back fine. After a couple hours of IV fluids and monitoring, they released me with my dad.
I ended up skipping the rest of school that week. My dad didn't make me present my diorama. In fact, he never brought the subject up again. Part of me was glad. I just wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened. But another part of me couldn't move past what was clearly the most absurd thing to ever happen to me. About a week after the incident, I tried to broach the subject, but when I asked my dad about it, he didn't seem to remember our conversation at all. He said I had fallen ill and that's why I needed to go to the ER and miss class. I felt like I was going crazy. If I was older, I probably would have voluntarily checked myself into a psychiatric ward. But I was young and helpless and alone, and I decided that if I just ignored the changes well enough, I could still get along. This proved difficult though, as the blinking would only exacerbate in the coming months.
Up until the time of the project, I hadn't been able to directly observe the phenomenon. It was always in retrospect that things disappeared. It was during the summer after sixth grade that this changed. I still remember the first time it happened. I had just gotten out of the shower and was drying my hair in front of the mirror. After it was dried, I threw on my clothes then went to tie my hair up in a ponytail, but as I went to set the elastic tie, I felt its weight dissipate in my hand. I gasped and held my hand out. The circular black band was gone.
Fast forward to seventh grade and the blinking had spiraled out of control. Reflecting back on it, most people would probably have assumed I was drinking psilocybin-infused water, as the delusions were somewhat consistent with psychedelic phenomena: except these distortions were real (at least they felt that way to me).
I'd wake up and grab the box of Special K but end up eating Cheerios. The McDonalds logo would look yellow and red one day, but purple and black the next. I'd be watching a show, and then a different show, and then a different one. It was as if the entire universe was a Christmas tree with millions of lights, and the lights kept shifting hues randomly, faster and faster, and I was the only one who could see their changing colors. I remember one night my dad made spaghetti for dinner and we went out onto the porch to eat it. While we were sitting, I saw our neighbor's house, a two story townhome, blink and become a single story bungalow. I gasped, and my dad asked what was wrong, but when I tried to explain he just gave me a strange look. For him, no matter what changed, the world was "always that way". While for me, it didn't have "a way".
The situation peaked when Clair, that friend I mentioned before, disappeared. I texted her (my dad had bought me a BlackBerry at the beginning of summer break) but didn't get a response. When I asked her other friends if they knew where she was, I got the usual "what are you talking about?" look. I knew right away what had happened, even though I didn't want to believe it. I went to the teacher and asked if there was a Clair in our class. She said "no". I broke down in front of everyone. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran out of school. The lady at the front desk tried to stop me, but I just barrelled past her. I kept running until I got to a big park across the street and bawled my eyes out until the police arrived and escorted me home. When they tried asking me what was wrong, I didn't say anything. There was literally nothing I could say that they would understand.
That night I prayed to God for the first time. My dad wasn't a religious man. He went to Catholic church with my mom when she was alive, but after she died he never went back. Still, I knew how to pray, even if I never did it. I copied some of the people I saw praying in movies and interlocked my fingers and knelt down on my bed, stuffing my head into a pillow. "Dear God," I said, "Please, please, please help me." I told Him about my struggles and asked Him to make them stop. I spent an hour saying the same things over and over again. And when I was finished, my little body was so tired, I fell right to sleep.
I knew something was different the second I opened my eyelids. I didn't only feel relieved, but I felt… embraced. I felt like someone was watching over me. I felt like I wasn't alone. I moved through my day with cautious apprehension. I didn't want to get my hopes up only to be let down. But to my surprise, the blinking had stopped. At least I couldn't remember any of the inconsistencies, and to me, that was a win. I began to pray regularly, and the more I did, the more I could feel the sense that someone was looking out for me. It was like I was getting a big hug from some cosmic force that loved me and wanted me to be happy.
I made it a habit to pray regularly. I asked my dad if he could take me to a church, and he agreed to take me to St. Mark's, the same church that he and my mom used to attend. Over time, I realized that the actual church services weren't as important to me as the praying. For whatever reason, there was something about praying that was like a glue for my brain, holding the entire universe together. As I got older, I considered that maybe it wasn't that the changes were no longer happening, but that I simply didn't see them anymore. In other words, maybe I was just becoming like everyone else. Either way, I didn't mind.
In my teenage years, I got into mindfulness meditation. I thought that I'd want to go into religious studies and become a theologian, so I started to learn about Eastern traditions in addition to Christianity. I joined a bunch of different school clubs to meet kids of different faiths: Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam. I tried to find a common thread which linked them all and would explain what happened to me as a child. The metaphors of Heaven and Hell, Good and Evil, the Taoist Yin and Yang—duality. Every religion seemed to speak about a way of being that would lead to a better place. In some cases that better place was a physical future existence, and in others it was merely being in contact with the perfection of nature or the present. Metaphorically, the teachings could explain what I had gone through in a kind of loose way, but there were no explicit statements about my condition.
***
I want to fast forward to why I've decided to write about this now. To give you an idea of where I'm at, I'm now 25 and working on finishing my MA in Computational Linguistics. I know that's a bit of a switch from what I was thinking when I was a teenager, but I really only interested in religion because of the value praying afforded me as a child. I didn't actually have much interest in the subject, itself. After my first year of college, I changed to an English major, which ultimately led to me taking a linguistics class and enjoying it so much that I switched tracks in my Junior year. Considering the state of the world, I thought minoring in Computer Science might help me financially in the future, so I ended up charting a path which I figured might lead to something like developing translation software.
Anyway, everything was going fine until a few weeks ago. I was out at an all-night diner with a few of my friends from the program. There was Jeremy, Martin, Bella, Jordan, and Macy. We had been working on a group project together involving modeling construction grammars by generating primitive 3D structures using C# and running the code through a game engine (it's a bit weird, but essentially we were trying to create a multidimensional model for language using a similar but more advanced concept than other LLMs), and just had a breakthrough. It was 2AM though and not a brain cell existed between the six of us, so instead we focused on a different problem: Macy's ongoing breakup with her semi-long distance trucker boyfriend. We tried to explain why Mike wasn't going to work out as we ordered a round of milkshakes and waited for the lone overnight kitchen worker to scoop out three balls of ice cream from the Deans carton for each of us, blend it, then have the server deliver the vintage diner glasses on a plastic tray.
I dug into my thick strawberry shake with a spoon. It was delicious. I kept eating but focused back on the conversation. I remember feeling something odd about one of the scoops, but I was so entrenched in Macy's story that I didn't notice the metal shard in my ice cream until I felt it against my lip. "P-tuh" I spat out the shard and ice cream all in one motion, then covered my mouth which I was sure was bleeding. The silver blade was probably as large as my thumb, and it had two jagged edges, as if it was fastened for the purpose of causing damage. "What the fuck!" I yelled.
Everyone at the table turned to see what was the matter. "Hey, Lauren, you okay?"
I spoke through a covered mouth, using my free hand to point at the table. "That was in my—"
But it was gone.
"In your… shake? Was something in your shake?" asked Jeremy.
I froze. In that moment, the stories of my childhood that I had only remembered as faint nightmares came back in a wave of crushing terror. How could I have been so stupid to think they would simply vanish forever? No, this isn't the same thing, I thought. But deep down, I knew it was. I drew my hand away from my lips and saw that it was dry—no blood. When I looked back up, all of the blood in my veins went cold. My friends were… smiling at me. Their lips were elastic like taffy, stretching to reveal their teeth. I could feel them radiating malevolence, as if the only thing holding them back from picking up their utensils and stabbing me to death was some thinly veiled force field. The moment lasted for what felt like half a minute, then Jordan said two words which made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
"Found you"
The words ricocheted in my now adrenaline powered skull. But just as he spoke them, the world blinked and my friends were back. Bella reached out and grabbed my hand. I pulled away, but when I saw her concerned expression, I relented.
"Sorry, guys, I think I'm going to have to call it." I said.
"You sure, L?" asked Jordan. "You look like you just saw a ghost."
"Yeah, thanks, but I just…" I stumbled for a lie, but when one wouldn't come, Martin stood up and said he'd walk me out to my car.
"Thanks," I said as I got into my little 2015 Jetta. "It's just been a long day."
"No problem, Lauren. You know, if there's ever anything—"
"I know," I said but didn't mean. Some things just couldn't be shared.
I drove for about five minutes before stopping at a gas station. I pulled in and parked near the back. Then I interlocked my fingers and prayed for half an hour. I apologized for not taking my praying seriously and asked to once again be granted peace. Unlike my younger years, I also drifted into other avenues of thought. I imagined my mom. I pictured the whole arc of my life, all of the little decisions that led me to where I was. I cried for a long time. I felt like that little girl again reaching out for help. I still felt so lost, so out of control; there were so many things missing, and I was so confused.
I decided then to take a trip back home and visit my dad who was now working as a private tutor. He made enough prepping affluent students for the ACT and SAT that he could spend his free time pursuing his real passions: reading and writing. When I arrived at his doorstep that weekend, he greeted me with open arms. "How are you, kiddo? It's been, what? A year or so?"
It was actually more like two years, but I didn't tell him. I just smiled and nodded.
"Well, come in."
The house was almost exactly how I remembered it. Linoleum floors, beige walls, a few scattered pictures, the scent of camomile. Everything minimalist. There was a quaintness, a prettiness to the way everything seemed to be well kept and in a perfect place. From the cherry wood chairs we'd sit in to eat, to the cream-colored loveseat. I felt at home.
I spent the drive thinking of what I would talk to my dad about, but ultimately I wasn't sure what I'd say. I loved my dad, but I think growing up it was easy to see him as naive. After all, arguably the most important episodes of my childhood were completely unknown to him. In that way, I kind of loved him from a distance. Maybe losing my mom also played into that. Maybe I just had trust issues. And after what happened at the diner… Luckily there hadn't been any blinks since.
I stayed for a couple days and he showed me around some of the different coffee shops where he'd tutor kids or write some of his stories. I met some of his friends, mostly other retired or part-time teachers who were in a similar place in life. I was happy for him. Then, on Sunday, he made me my favorite meal growing up: homemade carbonara pasta with chicken and broccoli. The sauce had a few different cheeses, butter, olive oil, and a raw egg yolk. It was the perfect blend of creamy, savory, and sweet. After we ate, he cracked open a scrapbook of some old photos and other clippings he had put together.
We reminisced about the past and laughed whenever I'd cover up one of my awkward pictures. He brought up some stories from school that I had forgotten, naming some teachers that I hadn't thought about in years. Apparently I had started at the end, because as I moved to the other end of the book, I kept getting younger and younger. I flipped to the last pages and noticed a couple pictures of my mom that made my heart sink.
"She was beautiful, wasn't she?" said my dad.
"Mmm," I agreed.
I flipped to the last page and saw a collage of newspaper clippings. One of them was related to the accident. It was headlined: "Two Survive Head-On Collision". After a cursory glance at the text, I noticed something odd. It said, "Both the husband and child, a three year old girl, sustained life-threatening wounds. The husband was found unconscious on the scene. The girl was found twenty meters away from the vehicle, crying." I swallowed, trying to remember back to what happened that day. The feeling of crashing, of the world slowing down, then breaking, returned. And then there was a hand. My dad's hand. Or was it? If he was unconscious, who pulled me out of that wreck?
I looked up at my dad. He was smiling.
I shot up and started backing up slowly toward the door. "No, not you, too. What is this? What's happening? Who are you?"
My dad, or whatever was controlling him, laughed."Oh, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. You know who we are." he purred as he stood up. He lifted his hands and the lights began to flicker then bend in a way which shouldn't have been possible. Dark figures began to propagate from the shadows along the walls. The pictures nailed there began to blink out of existence. I turned to run toward the door but the handle was gone. Glass shards materialized all around me and swarmed like locusts. Certain I was going to die, I dropped down on my knees and once again turned to prayer, this time asking God to directly intervene and save me.
Everything went quiet.
"Honey? Are you okay?"
I didn't trust his voice. I knew if I opened my eyes, I'd see that awful smile. He was just toying with me. "It's not you," I said in between muttered prayers. "I know it's not you."
"Honey," my dad said, closer. I felt his arms wrap around me. This was it, I was going to be suffocated. I waited for the inevitable crushing weight of my chest collapsing. I waited to break all over again.
"I would never hurt you, Lauren. I love you more than anything in the whole world."
I burst out in tears. "No, it's not you, I know it's not you. You don't exist!"
My dad's weight dissipated. I opened my eyes and saw that he was no longer there. "Dad?" I called aloud. "Dad? Where did you go?"
I checked all over the house, but there was no trace of him. There were still pictures of him all over the house, so I knew he hadn't blinked out of existence like everything else, but somehow he was missing.
***
I left the house and got a room at a hotel, where I am now. I'm sure at this point that whatever is happening to me is no longer random. Something out there is actively trying to hunt me. Maybe it has been my whole life, but only now it can see me—however weird that sounds. If that's right, then God has been on my side trying to protect me from this demon or monster or devil or whatever it is. Regardless, the methods I was using when I was younger are not going to cut it anymore. I already posted my story in several other small circles and have gotten one reply. A man who goes by the name "Trent" (apparently it's an alias). He said that he has some insight into my "condition" and can offer help if I want it. I'm planning on meeting with him tomorrow. I'm not sure if it's a good idea, but at this point I need answers. I can keep you updated with my progress if that interests you, and to anyone who knows anything about what's happening to me, please… I could really use your help.
***
I was just about to post this when Trent sent another message. This is what it says:
Trent: We can do the \*** at **** O'clock. Also, if what you're telling me is true, your mother may still be alive.*

Like title says dropped from 265 on NBME 14 (260 on NBME 13) to 250 on UW2. Testing in 1 week. Any idea on what I should prioritize? I feel like i get tripped up on UW wording sometimes but I still think I am missing some small gaps on content.
Should I focus on finishing UW qbank (73% complete) or doing incorrects?
Mainly worried since everyone mentions UW2 as being the most predictive D:
Thanks in advance!

“They can’t do this, it's disgraceful! I mean a human? What could he have possibly done besides being exceptionally average in every conceivable manner.”
“General Karne, it was nearly unanimous in the senate. I think you’re just jealous someone else is going to be in the limelight for a change.”
“But two in the same century!? And to a human no less! Honestly they’re handing them out to anyone now. What next, they’re going to give one to a Lethan for getting above average scrap in his junk scavenging quota?”
“Well before you come to your conclusions too quickly General, let’s at least give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this human was slightly above average.” Ambassador Khalix chuckled. “But I do agree, it’s far too soon. I mean 11 medals in 5,000 years, and we get to witness two in our lifetime? Regardless, I am happy for another holiday being added to the human calendar on the dreadful occasion that I have to work with them again.”
General Karne grumbled as they made their way down the red carpet that stretched up the steps of the Great Hall. General Karne was greeted with a spectacular fanfare of music and cheers as he stepped through the entryway. As the last recipient of the Galactic Honor Medal he would be one of the guests of honor for the ceremony. Just yesterday he turned down the offer to be the one to personally gift the medal to the human, saying his presence alone would be enough of an honor.
He made his way to his seating near the front of the opulent awards hall and took his place near the podium. In his seat was a small paperbound book titled "The Eskaido Conflict, a firsthand account". He picked up the volume with a grumble so he could sit down, why did they think he wanted to waste his time with reading about Eskaido? He personally peer reviewed countless publications on the military strategy and political consequences of Eskaido. He was sure he could retell the statistics and strategy of the Eskaido conflict better than any mere foot soldier on the ground.
Seeing the Great Hall decorated for a Galactic Honor Medal was an opportunity very few would get to witness in their lifespan. And here he was seeing it all over again, but this time it wasn’t adorned for him, but for some pitiful human. The massive banners that bore the insignia of his species' last ceremony had now been replaced with the emblem of the Humans. It seemed rather distasteful to have his beautiful banners replaced with something so minimalist. The Great Hall had the capacity for nearly a million spectators from hundreds of different species, and for the second time in a century it was completely full.
Once the remaining important dignitaries, ambassadors, and political and military leaders found their respective places, the ceremony began. The leader of the Terran Republic made their way on stage and gave his opening remarks. Nothing really worth paying attention to, General Karne was more focused on the empty seat near the podium, hoping to get a look at this supposed “above average” human. He wanted to witness the man for himself and see what could be so special about him. Confusion was spreading across the crowd once more and more people took notice of the strangely empty seat.
“This human is giving me more and more reasons to dislike him. I mean not showing up to his own Galactic Honor Ceremony? That should be a crime if you ask me” General Karne said to the ambassador seated next to him.
“Perhaps they have some grand entrance planned. Leave it to the humans to be overly extra with their presentations. They don't even have the decency to adhere to millennia of traditions.”
“Well if it gets any worse than this, they’ll ensure they’re never given the opportunity to earn another. Which is fine by me.”
After the usual introductions and dreadfully boring formalities of starting the ceremony, General Karne finally blessed the speaking human with a modicum of attention.
“For over 5,000 years the Galactic Honor Medal and it’s recipients has stood as a beacon for all of our members in service, from any origin or species. It represents something that anyone can strive to achieve and to be the change that would impact the galaxy for the better. It is reserved for individuals who display acts of valor that save the lives of millions, whose actions single handedly change the course of history as we know it, and whose displays of courage are to be remembered and appreciated by all. With this in mind it is my hope that today we shall remember a soldier who has given more to the Galaxy than anyone presently in this room."
General Karne rolled his eyes at the last remark, thinking that it might've been somewhat directed at him. This human probably did not have the slightest comprehension of what he had to do to earn his.
"A soldier whose acts of uncontested bravery may be an example for all to strive for in their military service. United Terran Army Private John William Ringuette has distinguished himself from his peers by going above and beyond anything expected of him when he entered service to the Galactic Republic one year ago. And it is with great sadness that he is not present with us today to receive this honor in person.”
General Karne leaned over whispering again “Oh I’m sure he has much more important things to do right now, but I guess desecrating the prestige of the most important award in the galaxy is pretty important”
Ambassador Khalix gave a small laugh, “And they refer to him in the past tense, as if he is someone different now and is no longer the same human who earned this award.”
“Private John William Ringuette graduated from the Terran Infantry Academy and Orbital Strike School and immediately was sent to Eskaido to take part in the large-scale stabilization operation there. At 17 years of age he left earth and was dropped into one of the most hostile zones on the planet. After three months of fighting on the surface of Eskaido, it was seen as a losing battle and his squad was issued an evacuation order. They were told to depart from the planet and leave it to its destruction. At around 1800 hours on the 7th of June terran standard time his squad made the executive decision to stay behind to ensure the evacuation of Eskiadian civilians. At the time they did not know it, but they were escorting the very last members of the Eskiadian species.”
Upon this revelation, though filled with countless people, the room had grown completely silent. Many had heard of the tragedies on Eskaido, but until now none had known just how severe the circumstances of the war had been, and how close the species was to complete extinction.
“His squad secured the only remaining space port on the planet and started the evacuation of the civilians. However at the time of arrival only three of the squad of nine remained. His two squadmates Staff Sergeant Andrew Miller and Technical Sergeant Bryan Jones took control of a military transport and set to bring the civilians out of the warzone. As they prepared to start the evacuation they became aware of an enemy battalion expeditiously advancing towards the last remaining entry tunnel. Private John William chose to stay behind to ensure the safety of his squad and the civilians, in the hope that he could buy time for their withdrawal. Before their departure Private John William sealed the doors to the facility and set up a hasty defense in the tunnel.”
“At 2000 hours a battalion enemy combatants aided with multiple military support vehicles began to assault the facility, set to ensure the complete extermination of the Eskaidian people. Private John William placed himself between the attackers and the entrance door at the end of the tunnel and attempted to stave them off. Ignoring insurmountable odds, Private John William continued to fight in an unwinnable battle against an unending enemy opposition. Beset by an endless barrage of machine gun fire and plasma fire, Private John William held the line for the 4 hours it took to evacuate the civilians. It took nearly three trips to transport all of the citizens from the port. When they began their transport trips, military forces had already completely withdrawn from the surface of Eskaido. As the final soldier on the front lines in the Eskaido Conflict, Private John William gave the ultimate sacrifice, knowing that there would be no reinforcements and no evacuation for himself."
"For his utmost bravery and courage in the face of an indomitable enemy, his actions reflect the highest glory upon himself and his unit. For his service on Eskaido and to the Galaxy, Terran Republic Private John William Ringuette is awarded the Galactic Honor Medal. Let it be known a soldier does not have to return from a conflict to be recognized as the pinnacle of military valor. Private John William is the first individual to posthumously receive the Galactic Honor Medal."
"In your seats, you will find his personal diary of his time on Eskaido, published at his last request. It was his hope that the tragedy that transpired on Eskaido is never forgotten to history, and his first hand account aids in making that possible."
When his speech ended the Great Hall did not cheer nor celebrate as it had for past ceremonies. No extravagant light display or confetti decorated the Great Hall and dazzled the spectators with the glory of the recipient as it normally would. The Human speaker merely placed the medal atop an empty wooden casket that was hidden behind him, and departed from the stage.
The long and drawn out tradition of handshakes and exquisite feasts did not follow the ceremony. What followed was a procession of delegates and dignitaries paying respects to the empty casket that symbolized the recipient of the award. General Karne looked down at the paper bound book that was still in his claws, regretting that he was so quick to dismiss it earlier. He made a note to take the day off tomorrow so he could read it in its entirety.
He walked up the stage and made his way towards the simplistic wooden box, he was not entirely sure what its purpose was but it seemed to be something reserved for a solemn affair. After waiting in the line of people placing gifts and colorful flora from various worlds around it, it was his turn to pay his respects. Inside was a flag, a pair of small metal tags with human writing stamped into them, and the medal, which would normally be the center of attention. However this piece of metal seemed rather miniscule in comparison to what it represented. He stood over the box and placed his clawed hand on the side of it.
“Do you have anything to give General?” Asked Ambassador Khalix in a small voice.
“Nothing that would do him justice, only my condolences and apologies for how I composed myself earlier. I suppose this human was “above average” after all. But I now feel that would be quite an inadequate was to describe him.”

I finished reading all the terminals and piecing together the story and the back and forth emails between the producer, writer, and director are really funny and ultimately pretty grim. For those who haven’t read them, They basically describe a hostile creative take over by the guy who bought (most of) the ownership of the Silver Shroud series and starts making questionable creative decisions like firing the long-time actress and voice of the main female protaganist and replacing her with a younger more attractive blonde and even adding Jangles the Moon Monkey as an integral character. (focus groups love him!) On the other side, the woman who was fired and the lead writer are plotting to kidnap and/or murder(?) their boss for ruining their life’s work. The last terminals describe the plan to fly in Monday and confront him but Monday likely never came. The last terminal is dated Friday 10/20/77 and the bombs dropped on 10/23/77. Very good story telling that most people will probably not put together.

I got into Msc Data Science program into Bristol and Msc Data Science program in Manchester as well. I love both of the courses, although I kinda like the Bristol a bit more due to the fact that most of the subjects are graded based on coursework rather than assessment. Right now, I have no idea which I should go for, I am international student, and would want a Uni that would give me a better job opportunity, but from what I have heard, both of them are kinda similar in that sector, So I guess I am going to one that is prestigious than the other. I have tried to compare their rankings but they are confusing as well as Bristol ranks higher in Guradian ranking whereas Manchester ranks higher in Qs and Times ranking. Also I have read how in someplace how Bristol's ranking is being declined, which freaks me out further. Sorry for the long post, and kindly give your opinion on this. Thankyou.

Hello everyone! I'm writing my MA thesis in historical linguistics focusing on the origin and development of gender in IE languages. I already have quite a large amout of bibliographical works that I gathered up when I wrote my first MA in historical linguistics, but I'm sure there is a lot more to be read and analyzed, so I ask for your help on the matter!In particular, I'm looking for

1. any work focusing on the theoretical aspect of gender in IE languages: reasons as to why it arose, developments, linguistic change in relation to gender, etc...;
2. any typological work focusing on the differences and similarities regarding gender within IE languages: number of gender classes, how gender affects and is encoded in that language, etc...; I'm also in need of non-IE language families so as to broaden my perspective and enrichen my outlook on the matter (anything except for WALS, which I've already been browsing)
3. any work discussing Greenberg's universals in relation to gender (U31, 32, 36, 43, 44, 45);
4. any (theoretical and/or sociolinguistic) work pointing out the differences between natural and grammatical gender and sexism in gendered languages;
5. any research or experiments proving or disproving the existence of linguistic bias in gendered languages, mainly focusing on linguistic relativism (disclaimer: I lean toward the latter, but I'm more than happy to read all kinds of works and perspectives)

I know it's a lot but I'm sure this is the right group of people to ask! Looking forward to reading your replies, and thanks in advance! Cheers

So before we jump into the story, I’m pretty much going to be as transparent as possible in this, so it’s going to be a pretty big read. I’ll start with a little bit about my past and then a little bit about hers.
I was raised in a traditional household, with traditional values, parents that stayed together and loved unconditionally, and I guess was always comfortable in my childhood. Obviously, everyone has their own traumas, and maybe I have some that I’ve unexplored just because I consider myself unbothered by the past. Which is a mindset that has served me well, I think. I forgive and forget very quickly, and I tend to give second chances. I’m also very firm on how a second chance looks and how typically there isn’t a third. Now for the bad, I was exposed to porn at a very young age. I feel like it’s been an addiction all my life. Up until probably about eight months ago, I was severely addicted to porn. And we all know how it works once vanilla stops giving you the dopamine you used to get, you start to crave crazier and crazier things. Eventually, mine got to enjoying watching other men lust over other men’s women. Obviously, I know how wrong that is, and when I started realizing that I did not have a husband mentality, I started to shift my mindset. I still struggle with it to this day, but I wouldn’t say that I’m addicted anymore.
A little about her: her childhood is the exact opposite. But I would say that we came to the same conclusions on life and how a husband and wife should act in theory. She was raised in a very abusive household, her parents separated at a very young age, and then it was just trauma after trauma after trauma. And that’s not to say that she’s bringing it into the relationship, it’s simply saying what she’s been through. Her mindset of what marriage should look like is exactly like mine. Her mindset of what love should look like, I think, is like mine. She tends to run away for periods of time, never cheats or anything, but just prefers to be alone. Every single one of her relationships, she’s claimed that she has to be the mom in the relationship. This dynamic, the partnership dynamic, was weird for her.
Me and her met in November, and the moment we met, we knew that this was either going to be a relationship where we get married or the one to really break us. Two weeks in, we were discussing marriage as a joke. We loved all the same things, we listened to the same underground artists, we think almost exactly alike when it comes to life. We enjoy the same humor, and I can 100% say she is pretty much me in female form. Please don’t take that in a weird way, but that is how I felt. I’ve always felt like she is my other half. Months into the relationship, we started joking around about OnlyFans, and I’m sorry to say that I let those same thoughts in my head. She would joke around about how much money she would make on it, and I would “joke around” about her making one and that I was okay with it. She didn’t know about my porn addiction at this time. Well, little did I know she was simply going along with it because she thought it made me happy and turned me on. But I know she’s also very, very bold. Well, eventually, I started to focus back on my addiction, which made me treat her like absolute crap. We went through a phase of arguments, I would threaten to end the relationship, and then she would actually do it. I stopped treating her like a husband would treat his wife. After we had a talk, we decided that what we have is too valuable to let go of. So she gave me another chance, and I really took it. I went back to acting like a husband would for her. And it’s not that I was just scared of losing her; this is my character, and this is who I was when I met her, and this is who I’ve been in other relationships. Two weeks go by, and I really realize how much that addiction relapse brought back insecurities. Well, instead of talking to her about it, I decided to try and basically trap her into selling nudes to one of my buddies. Looking back on it all, I understand how toxic that is, but if I was going to give it my all, I didn’t want to give it to somebody who was actually willing to do that. And I get that everything we talked about before was jokes, but she always told me that she’d be willing to sell those pictures for money. And I never knew if it was just to make me happy or if she was serious. I was insecure, and I was scared that I was giving for no reason. But it’s not a reason to do what I did, and I’m not trying to justify it. I should have communicated it with her. The worst part about it was that I lied to her for a couple of weeks that I had no idea who that was on her Snapchat asking her to sell nudes. She was super upset at the principle that I was able to lie to her face for so long. Long story short, we broke up for two weeks. I would chase her for those two weeks, trying to do nice things for her, ordering food and trying to make it up. It was like fishing—when she’s angry at me, I let her run, but when she gave me an opportunity to reel in, I really took it. I didn’t just tell her sorry because I knew it wouldn’t mean anything. I changed my behavior to show her that I trusted her and I am not a liar. I didn’t try to justify my behavior; I only gave her the reasons why I did what I did after we started talking again. During those two weeks, I hadn’t seen any other woman, nor did I have intentions of it. She went on a car ride with her ex because apparently there were unfinished conversations. Now, with this ex in particular, I’m not worried about it. And it’s not me being cocky; I just know that after meeting me and the way she compared both of us, I’m simply not worried about him. What upset me was that he tried to kiss her. Well, he did kiss her until she pushed him off. Either way, I was unbothered by it, but I’ll tell you guys that so you can decide if it’s important or not.
So we started hanging out again as just best friends. I pretty much stayed at her house for two weeks straight after being broken up. We literally were best friends, but I could tell she didn’t trust me. Obviously, she trusted me with her body, still trusted me with pictures of her, and she trusted me in practical ways, but I always felt insecure hanging out with her because of the fact that she might leave again. Well, eventually, she did. We decided to take a two-week break of absolutely zero contact. So keep in mind, this is after another two weeks of absolutely zero arguments, us not talking about the past and just treating each other with ultimate respect and love. But she still felt like she couldn’t give 100%. I never stopped giving 100%, and she fully acknowledges this and understands it. I want you guys to understand that this girl is the nicest, kindest girl I’ve ever met, and I mean that. So I ask that any advice given takes that into account. I know she loves me just as hard as I love her. I leave her house and go home. Of course, I’m very upset because I love so hard, but I do not contact her. 4 AM, I get a call from her just absolutely wasted. She ended up going out with her coworkers, and I’ve never seen her drink like this. She was just as upset as I was. So I don’t want you guys to think that she is heartless. She ends up begging me to come over, and I tell her no and make her wait until the morning. At 8 AM, I’m at her house, and she’s pretty much still wasted. Well, apparently, she ended up kissing another dude at the bar while drunk. She was very straight up about it and would never lie to me. Nothing else happened, but that’s something that did happen. Now, take into account we were broken up with both of these instances. We were NOT together. I don’t know how I feel about that line, but y’all decide. Anyways, that day apparently was a click for her. She wrote me a letter and basically said that she doesn’t want to do this without me. She said that she is willing to work on herself within the relationship rather than single, and that’s my mindset. In a relationship, you are able to work on relationship issues that you cannot work on while single. The same triggers do not apply when you are single. Anyways, so we start basically living together. A month straight, pretty much. I mean, we were out and about again. We were working together, we considered moving in and all, but I could tell that she was not giving me her all. She would tell me multiple times that she doesn’t trust me. She would tell me that she’s my wife, but she just needs time to trust me fully. Eventually, after a month, I had enough of being in this situationship I didn’t feel secure in. So I left one day after telling her that if she can’t give me the same treatment and love she gave me when we first met, then I’m done. I proved I was trustworthy, and I proved I was the husband she was looking for. Either way, I left. We had a conversation about wife mentality vs. girlfriend mentality and what that looks like, which I think really changed her mindset. Now, I will say this: here are where things take a turn. I come back, and she decides to go back to giving 100%. And I could tell—she was the girl I met again. I was skeptical, but I knew she was back. Anyways, five days go by, and I notice a certain person wasn’t on her phone. That same ex I told y’all I was worried about. Well, I was curious because I know that she didn’t want to block him, and this, I think, is because she doesn’t want to hurt people. I STILL RIGHT NOW WHILE TYPING THIS do not think he’s a threat. I actually believe they won’t speak again. Anyways, she tells me that “if he’s not there, he must be blocked,” and I knew that that’s a lie because that’s how I lied to her. She, I guess, rubbed off me, and this is the very first time I caught her in a lie. Come to find out, there was a ten-minute phone call between them, and she sent him “progress workout pictures” that she claimed “she never viewed as sexual” etc. Anyways, this was at like 2 AM, so I get in my car and just storm off. I’m going to make this part short because you probably know where it’s going. She begs me to come back, posts a picture of us on her story, makes it official that we are together, and proves to me that she’s a “damn good wife.” I’m still upset, and a day goes by. That day being two days ago. While we were asleep, I was still upset about everything, and I decided to look at her phone without asking. Bad move, I know. We wake up yesterday morning, and I accuse her of something I saw. I was still upset from the lie, and she storms off to work and was very open that how we handled that conversation was toxic. I agreed, and I apologized for even going on her phone. I came to the conclusion that I will never go on her phone again without asking before I went to sleep that night, so it wasn’t under any threat of a relationship ending. She texted me about her thoughts, and then I thought all was fine. She called me while at work and asked about moving into a house together rather than her duplex. By the time she got off work, she said she was done.
She said that “one day I will be your wife, but I can’t do a toxic relationship.” I told her if she leaves now, she will never have the chance of being with me again. I will always be her best friend, but I told her very clearly that I will not be able to trust her through thick and thin. I will not feel secure in any future relationship with her because if things get “toxic” again, and they will because no relationship is perfect, I won’t be able to trust that she’ll be by my side. Should I feel bad for giving her until tonight to make up her mind? Should I be patient?
We love each other so wholeheartedly. We still connect like no one I’ve ever met. She loves me just as much as I love her, and I know she’s just as broken as me with this breakup. In my opinion, her lying to me made her realize that she’s also not perfect, and her reasoning was kinda funny. That’s the relationship we have. I’m over all she did. She WAS over everything I did before I went through her phone, and she wasn’t mad that I went through it; she was upset that the morning convo was toxic. Any advice you give, assume that we really love each other and want to make it work. We have never been in a relationship that we actually consider marriage in. We are still figuring it out, and I just don’t know my move and to her, her only option is ending this.

CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ5mIkLhCyY
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A bit about myself - I’m an economist for the state, however I’m planning on leaving my job behind in pursuit of something more meaningful and hopefully lucrative. I enjoy playing table tennis, sports science, reading, and writing my ideas down. If you speak German, that’s a language I’d be interested in learning. I can teach you Russian in return.
I want to expand my social capital. I’m interested in learning new insights from unique people. I seek to help each other grow into our ideal selves. I’m mainly interested in communicating via email, but I’m willing to explore snail mail. I have no preference in age or gender. DM or reply if you want to correspond!

[M4F] I am still looking for the great great roleplayer!
Ciao! I do rp lotta stuff! From animated tv shows to movies I like, games and more! they are mostly cartoons because I’m a huge toon fan. I rp as canons but I only have one oc to play as. I am mainly looking for a cartoon/fandom roleplay! I am 19 so I comfy to rp those around 18+. . I write in third person btw, but sometimes I do first person.
Genres I am comfy with: -slice of life -casual -comedic -fandom -romance?
RP Pairings: MXF/MXM
Literacy: Semi lit to lit, and possibly novella. One liners aren't my thing. :p
There so many things I rp, so many, that I had to make it into a google document so here are some of these ones if anyone knows but I can send my rp list once you dm me if you want or I dm you if you are really interested in my idea. I like to do OOC too! I’ve been rping since 2020, also.
Fandoms:
Brandy and Mr. Whiskers
Aggretsuko
Beastars
Super Planet Dolan
Bojack Horseman
Little Dogs on the Prairie (I love that series of episodes!)
Animal Crossing
Bremen Avenue Express Experience (Look it up!)
Zorori (If you know the anime, with the fox.)
If you know any of these, I'll be extremely happy with you to be my new friend or rp partner! I know you don't know some of these fandoms, but I promise you, you are going to like my rp list, since I keep updating it now and then if I forget some cartoon I have to put. Anyway, if you read it, that's good! I hope you get to see me soon! If you have any favorite cartoons you like to rp on, ask me! We might have something in common!

Hey guys, took a break from BG3 for a bit but recently came back for my, I think, 7th playthrough and recently finished the first step I always take when starting anew; Setting up my companion's classes beforehand lol
Idk how many other people do this, but I always plan out what classes I'm gonna make each companion before starting, each time being slightly different, and I refuse to have any subclass overlap and I always try to keep each canonically accurate. This time I decided I'd go back to their main starting classes but I'd make them all unique multiclasses, again with zero subclass overlap and all entirely canonically accurate.
Normally I just go about this on my own but a friend was asking me about it and was asking for help cause as he put it he's really bad at making multiclasses that work but wants to "mix up" his companions for his 2nd playthrough, so I shared my current "load out" with him and he loved it all so much he said I should share it "online or something" lol Well I'm sitting here at work waiting for some crap to load before I can actually do anything with it so figured I could pass the time with sharing my newest origin multiclasses for anyone interested in smaller mixups!
This is gonna get long, also there will be spoilers as I'll be talking about WHY some of these work based on their lore, sometimes lore that's revealed later in the game, you've been warned lol

1. Shadowheart - Life Cleric lvl 6/Gloom Stalker lvl 6

For starters, Trickster Doman sucks ass, secondly this idea leans more into Selune anyways. The premise of this one is to lean into the fact she's a "torn person," even if she doesn't know it at first she's stuck between this divine rivalry of Selune and Shar, so splitting the classes evenly is kind of a representation of that.
Gloom Stalker more represents not only Shar and her influence but also her earlier upbringing, we know her parents were druids and she had to go through some sort of rite about going off into the woods at a young age, so her being a Ranger by default works in my mind (can also choose Sanctified Stalker for lore). Life Cleric leans more on Selune thematically, but is also chosen to mechanically make such an even split work.
The Life Cleric's ability to increase the amount healed works based on a flat amount plus the spell level, so you don't need a lot of specific class levels to make it work, and getting at least lvl 5 in Ranger provides extra attack, placing such a multiclass in the role of damage dealer but with a fairly substantial amount of healing compared to other options. You will be lacking in higher level spells but as the main focus will be as a Ranger I don't think that'll be a hindrance to effectiveness in the slightest. Ranged will also work better, imo, as you want to have access to your bonus action for healing words and hunter's mark usage so dual wielding won't be as good and no other melee option available to Ranger will match the effectiveness of focusing on archery, but that doesn't mean you can't do it if you want to lol
I changed her stats slightly to focus on Dex and Wis, mostly just syphoning points from her Str into her Dex and leaving most everything else as it is, then started by leveling the Ranger first, fit better for the early game being all about Shar, and also getting to extra attack asap.
2. Lae'zel - Battle Master lvl 4/Great Old One Warlock lvl 8
Now I know the most common reaction will be "warlock!?" But here me out lol
Githyanki worship Vlaakith, their god, but she isn't actually a god, she's a powerful lich trying to become a god. So making Lae'zel some sort of Cleric doesn't actually make any sense, since her deity technically shouldn't be able to grant any divine powers, but we do see her more powerful followers having abilities, specifically psionic abilities, almost like a GOO Warlock. Now I know Gith all have latent psionics so that's largely why they also have such powers, but why not accentuate that further with Pact Magic? You can also play it off as not actually being a warlock, since it's never mentioned in game regardless, and it's just her own psionic abilities manifesting, simply choose the most psionically reminiscent spells, even if they won't be the most effective her spells won't be her main strength anyways.
Obviously make her a PotB Warlock, and focus on melee combat with BM maneuvers, but having access to Hex and potentially even Eldritch Blast will just make her that much more powerful as a damage dealer. Both subclasses also recharge on short rest, adding some points for convenience lol
Initially stat wise I was a bit torn, cause she's NOT a "charismatic" person, but then I remembered that Charisma doesn't just mean "social skills," it's also "force of person," it's why Sorcerers use it for spell casting, and Lae'zel is most definitely a very confident and expressive person, so I think it actually works. That being said I still focus her Str more then her Cha, just taking some points out of all her other stats to boost it but keeping them the same relative spread, so more in Dex and Con then Int and Wis. Starting her in Warlock until lvl 5 is also advisable, then I like to go straight to Fighter lvl 4 to get BM and a feat, then gonna finish the last few levels in Warlock to get to 4th level spell slots.
3. Gale - Abjuration Wizard lvl 10/Fighter lvl 2
This one in particular is more about mechanics then lore, but I think it still works for both.
Obviously Gale has to be mostly Wizard, he talks about it SO MUCH that it wouldn't make as much sense if he was mostly anything else even if thematically it would work, like Bard or Sorcerer. However I find most Wizard schools to be boring and the ones that work best as multiclasses work better as dips, like 2 levels into Evocation for spell sculpting. Abjuration though works very well as a focus, and feeds into being quite tanky. That's why Fighter, for armor proficiencies, so either need to start as it for heavy armor, use a feat to get it asap, or just give him 14 in Dex and use medium armor. This gives him a high AC while being able to reduce the damage that does hit him, all while still being able to focus on a lot of high damage spells, with lvl 2 in Fighter you also get Action Surge for a round of double spells (double fireballs are great lol).
I think any Wizard school works for Gale canonically, honestly, and Fighter may not make the most sense but he is a well off human with a stellar education from one of the richest cities on the Sword Coast, so part of that education being in the basics of martial combat (no subclass, need lvl 10 in Wizard and makes sense he doesn't have one if it wasn't a focus) makes just enough sense for me to say it works lol
Stat wise you can honestly keep it the same as default, he just needs Int and going for Con secondary works very well, I also just like to give him some Cha cause he's a well spoken man.
4. Astarion - Swords Bard lvl 10/Rogue lvl 2
First things first, I think Astarion simply works better as a Bard by default then he does a Rogue, what with how he apparently would seduce people non-stop to bring back to Cazador, and going College of Swords fits that same "stabby stabby" theme lol
Also yes he can still be your lock picker since Bards get expertise as well.
So in reality I would actually just go all 12 levels into Bard for him, but I did that a number of times and wanted everyone to have their canon class in a multiclass, so 2 levels in Rogue works best. You kinda need lvl 10 in Bard for Magical Secrets, as it's super strong and a lot of fun to add what-the-fuck-ever you want into any build, and 2nd level in Rogue gives cunning action, so go for the Dueling fighting style, focus on bows anyways, and keep your bonus action open for cunning actions as well as his bite.
I redo his stats a fair amount though, to focus entirely on Dex and Cha ofc, but I also tank his Int and Wis to 8 cause it makes sense to me (he's clearly not the wisest and the writers have said he's probably the dumbest of the OG cast lol), and I think a vampire spawn should still have decent Str and Con anyways. For leveling I go straight to 6 in Bard for that extra attack, get 2 in Rogue cause cunning action is fun, then finish the rest of Bard.
5. Wyll - Fiend Warlock lvl 2/Draconic Sorcerer lvl 10
In this case I'm taking some liberties but here me out, again lol
So obviously need Fiend Warlock first, but lvl 2 is important for those first invocations, namely Agonizing Blast. Afterwards just go full Sorcerer! The stretch for how it works is that we know about Ansur now, a bronze dragon confirmed to have been living in Baldur's Gate for YEARS, so who's to say he *wasn't* involved with someone in Wyll's genealogy? lol I know it's HIGHLY unlikely, but it's still possible and I wanted at least one Sorcerer!
So ofc go Bronze ancestry, for the lore, but obviously Red would have the most synergy if you don't care, and make sure to grab quickened spell when you can for meta magic, why? DOUBLE ELDRITCH BLASTING! LOL That's the whole thing with this build, yeah you'll get a lot of spells, high level ones too, so it'll increase his versatility, but doubling down on Eldritch Blasts is incredibly powerful and thematically still sticks with the whole Warlock thing. I like to focus fire based spells to go with the whole Fiendish Patron stuff, but like I said the spells are secondary, believe it or not lol
This is another case of being able to leave his stats as they are, but I personally like to give him a bit of strength, as he is "The Blade of Frontiers," higher then average Str makes sense to me, and I just drain his Wis for it cause dh lol But a focus on Cha and a secondary on Dex is the important part.
6. Karlach - Berserker lvl 8/Thief lvl 4
I think this one is the most straight forward one but also one of my favs mechanically.
Build her like normal as a Berserker, but have her dual wield weapons with finesse, even if she's using Str for them they'll still sneak attack, and when you get the second bonus action her damage will become pretty crazy. Other then a pair of bracers you can find in Act 2 from Dammon I think, there isn't really any way of getting two weapon fighting without a third class dip and I just didn't want to, but at some point some how it'll be necessary.
The reason this works is cause of her upbringing. We all know why she's a Barbarian, but she tells us she was a ruffian when she was younger, even worked for Gortash as basically a thug, so Rogue fits well for me and if she wasn't keen on the law for a while then her being a thief also fits, imo.
Where this build takes off those is all the throwing! lol With Berserker and Thief you can throw a TON of shit per round, you can even take Tavern Brawler if you want to focus on this and carry around a bazillion daggers, the damage actually gets so insane sometimes that I specifically avoid Tavern Brawler cause I already find the game too easy and don't need to clean house THAT effectively lol
Her stats can also be left alone, I like to focus on Str regardless even if Dex might be stronger without Tavern Brawler, but it's an option if you want. Once again though rush through Berserker to lvl 5 for extra attack, then go to Thief lvl 4 for the subclass and feat, then just finish off with Barbarian afterwards.
7. Halsin (yup I also do all the other companions LOL) - Moon Druid lvl 2/Open Hand Monk lvl 10
Dude is a giant, I want him to punch people super hard with those tree trunk arms, it's THAT simple lol
I honestly wouldn't even bother with Druid levels if not for the fact it's so engrained into his character, but grabbing two levels to get the subclass allows for the bonus action wildshape which just provides some further versatility, and he gets a Bear shape regardless so might as well keep access to it. This is also where I might recommend sticking in a Tavern Brawler build, as I obviously want to focus on Str for this big man, plus it kind of makes sense if you forget about the actual name of the feat. He grew up in nature, is a mostly self taught druid to my understanding, so using the Tavern Brawler feat also kind of implies a degree of "self teaching" when it comes to unarmed striking, ya know? Open Hand is also just the best Monk subclass, Four Elements miiiiiight make more sense but not enough for me to not just use Open Hand.
Stat-wise I shift them around a lot, as they don't make much sense to me to begin with, keeping his Int low (he grew up in the wild even if he is a smart dude) and I drop his Cha (again grew up among animals, even if he is well spoken and kind it makes sense if his social skills are lacking), then focus on Str with a decent spread between Dex, Wis, and Con.
He also starts at a higher level so I grab 2 lvls in Druid right away then just rush down Monk afterwards.
8. Minthara - Vengeance Paladin lvl 2/War Cleric lvl 10
Here's the endgame Cleric for ya! lol
I have found it's super helpful to have a Cleric with lvl 5 spells in the later portions of the game, not necessary ofc but I personally wanted one and Shart was more of a Ranger with this setup, and this is a build I've always liked even in regular DnD.
You will ofc be forced to make her a Cleric of Lolth despite her having renounced Lolth, but if you know how Lolth works then it actually still makes sense. If Minthara is still upholding her oaths and actively in the midst of some chaotic shit, then OFC Lolth would continue to approve, no joke! Plus with how all female Lolthsworn are raised her being some degree of Cleric actually makes far more sense then being a full Paladin. If you're unaware, female Drow of Menzoberranzan ALL go to learn divine (cleric) magics in an elite school before they're allowed to really join their houses, it's actually a requirement that Minthara (being a Beanre) would not have been able to avoid.
The reason it works so well though is cause of smites and the War Domain. She'll have the high level spells for utility, damage, and healing, but she'll have access to more smites being mostly a full caster AND if you can use her War Priest bonus action attack it can also smite! With this build she's far more of a caster and support character then a smiting machine, but give her the auto criting tadpole power (since she has extra tadpoles anyways) and you can nuke something with this CLERIC lol
I personally swap her to sword and board and use a finesses weapon, so I can focus her stats on Dex and Wis, with Con secondary and I spread out her last three stats evenly, cause she is strong, charismatic, and smart, so I couldn't bring myself to dump any of them fully lol
Just like Halsin I always start her off with 2 lvls in Paladin then just jam through Cleric afterwards.
9. Jaheira - Spore Druid lvl 7/Champion Fighter lvl 5
This one in particular was specifically so I could keep her as a dual wielding combatant since that's always kind of ben her canonically preferred style.
I don't think this is an uncommon build at all, getting 5 levels in Fighter for extra attack then just jamming Spore Druid for all the damage and survivability, so I won't go into too much detail on it, but the reason I chose Champion was cause I wanted Lae'zel to be a Battle Master but also she's literally a champion of Baldur's Gate, it works fucking perfectly! lol Spores actually fit less well but hey, it's still druid and the build is super strong, so I'm not losing any sleep over it.
I mostly keep her stats the same, but I do put a bit more into Dex, usually drop Wis a bit and dump her Str to get Dex up, but that's about it and technically it could still work without any stat changes. I mean you could get the dual wielder feat on her then give her the rapier Wyll gets from Mizora when you save her, keep one of the Scimitars she starts with, and she'll then be attacking with her Wis entirely at that point, so that is also an option, I just like to keep the rapier on Wyll and not even bother with that feat for Jaheira.
10 Minsc - Hunter Ranger lvl 4/Wildheart Barbarian lvl 8
This one should be obvious, ngl. He's already known as a Ranger, loves animals, is a Rashaman berserker, he even gets his own custom Barb screams done by Matt Mercer (unlike Halsin, disappointingly enough). There should be no question why this combo works for him lol
Make sure to take Colossus Slayer as a Hunter, then go Bear Barbarian, give him a big two handed weapon, and you've now got one of the heaviest hitting and tankiest combos in the game, straight up. He has very little versatility, that's the main downside, he pretty much just rages, run him in, and attack shit, but even THAT fits Minsc perfectly.
For his stats I pretty much just swap his Str and Dex, maybe put a bit of his Wis into his Dex as well to hit that comfortable 14 and give him medium armor instead of using his unarmored defense, but this is ofc flexible. At the time you get him as well you should be able to just fully build him to lvl 12, maybe 10 or 11 if you rush to him, so order of levels doesn't really matter.
BUT THERE IT IS! All done, hope someone out there finds this useful or at least interesting, and thanks to anyone who read the whole thing, I know it was a lot lol
As a final note, I'm not interested in arguing how good or accurate any of these are, or of other options (like Shadow Monk/Cleric Shart, for example, but my Tav is a Shadow Monk/Assassin so didn't want that to overlap), like I said I'm on my 7th playthrough and I haven't done their standard classes and subclasses since my very first run and I've always tried to keep stuff that fit them accurately, this is just the current one I'm using and so far has been one of the most fun "load outs" lol
If you give any of them a try then I sincerely hope you enjoy it :D