Songs about breaking up because of moving away

I (24f) have a small problem and ask for food forthought or similar experiences.
I moved in with my boyfriend 2 years ago, I lived with my little sister, my mom and stepfather (not married yet) for 11 years before that. My parents are divorced and I no longer have any contact with my father. My sister was always the more difficult child, which is why I have fallen into oblivion a lot and my mom's insight came very late (about 3-4 years ago). I've been in therapy for six months and at first I thought my job was to blame for my severe depression. Over time it turned out that my mom gave me a lot. She manipulates me, works with my guilty conscience and she is never the one to blame. I was also her best friend for a long time and had to help her through her problems, sometimes in ways I had never encountered. Since I moved out, my relationship with my mom has been weird. At first I was the angry one because I didn't get in touch every day and we didn't see each other regularly. Then my boyfriend and I got engaged, and shortly after that she got engaged too. She was also angry or disappointed about something on the day I moved out, I still don't know what it was. My therapist wants to work on me (just like me) to build some kind of protective shield against my mom's ways so that she can no longer control me like her puppet, where I thought we were on the right track. Now the situation is getting very bad, they are getting married soon and I should be the witness. Since I didn't integrate myself into the wedding (actually very intensively from the beginning, only not since therapy) and it would be too much for me, I'm no longer one and we have something to clarify. I would show a lack of interest in my mom's situation and not report anything, in this case regarding the health of an animal that almost died. She was diagnosed with depression herself and knows how I feel, but I regularly notice that she doesn't know anything. Because of the illness, I have certain behavioral traits that aren't nice, the therapist doesn't do me any good, I should change and no matter what it's about, the question arises as to how WE can solve it all, but I didn't ask about it. I feel like I can apologize to her every two weeks because I hurt her in some way, although I have to do this much less with my boyfriend and I live with that... in therapy it also came up that my mom's feelings and health is my highest priority, which is different now. Now the whole thing is coming to a head because I've been told repeatedly that I'm not the same as I used to be and that it's difficult to get together. I replied accordingly that I was now developing further and I would be happy if they would give me a chance (I had the feeling that I wasn't accepted) and we would work together to get together. Her answer “I haven’t changed, why should I work on anything?” The feeling of being rejected was very present for me, which is why I wanted to isolate myself, but we spoke on the phone and she never wrote anything like that, if she didn't want me anymore, she wouldn't talk to me anymore. She apologized for the feeling, and in the same breath she asked what else she should do and why I was harping on about it. For a mother who has just been told that her child feels rejected, she struck me as very emotionless and unimpressed. I would just throw accusations at her, but she has already apologized, what do I expect was a statement from her. I've now set aside time for myself, because their wedding in a month was also a topic, and I first asked if we could still come and then got a "What else do you want at my wedding" before the phone call, which was for me is considered a clear disinvitation, but she wants me at the wedding?
I've heard from a lot of people that she's narcissistic and there's also a lot of talk about breaking off contact... How do you see it all? Do you have similar experiences? If something is unclear please ask

I 21F am dating my coworker and best friend M25 and i don’t know how to break it off.
So back in fall of last year i broke up with my long term 4 yr boyfriend (M21)and since then i feel like my life’s been falling apart. he was really the only boyfriend i’ve had longer than a month or so, so we kinda went through all of highschool and our young adult life together. he was my person, i had no doubt i was going to spend my life with him and never really imagined what i would do if we broke up. i just knew we had resentment in the relationship from past stuff he did and i wanted a break to heal from it so i didn’t just take it out on him. in that time at the beginning i had people in my life i thought we’re helping me do that the right way, but if anything all of them just led me away from him and i made rlly poor decisions. i know i’m a bit blind to what he’s done and i have good people in my life now that show me that but i feel like everyone makes mistakes and i did too. i feel bad cause i said some hurtful things when i found out some stuff and everyday i wish i could tell him i’m sorry for it. i know i shouldnt feel the longing i feel for him while i’m in a relationship but my current boyfriend was one of the people i had in the beginning. the people i thought knew best cause they had life experience. although he was always by my side and held me through my hurt, i told him i wanted nothing like that with him and i was still healing. eventually i had to move out of my ex’s and i’s house and one of those friends at the time wanted to move out aswell. we roomed after my lease ended and pretty immediately this guy i’ve never met in the ten years i’ve known her starts living there. not just visiting all the time or sleeping there, living. mind you this home was 90% furnished with my stuff cause she wasn’t moved out on her own for the past few years like i had. he home while she’s not, constantly showering, cooking with my food and dishes, and i’m an open book i love sharing my home and life plus he was nice to her so i didn’t really care. but after the bills shot up a combined 200+ since the month before he wasn’t living there i asked if he couldn’t maybe clean and pay maybe 2-300 w month. she wasn’t happy with that and it caused some other fights, her threading me, putting photos of my neck slashed on the walls. i eventually had to get her mom involved cause she would block and unblock me to send nasty texts and we agreed she needed to live back home since she couldn’t qualify on her own anyways. i had to get another roommate and take over and atp my now boyfriend insisted. now i’m in a lease living with him.
i know it sounds horrible but i don’t know what to do. he’s great to live with and him helping me around the house has been such a huge stress reliever. but it doesn’t make my feelings just go away. everytime i would mention how i don’t feel comfortable being in a relationship he would say “it’s ok i understand” then invited me to his grandparents. i would say i need more time but then he would ask why he wasn’t enough. after a while everyone kept shitting on him for moving in with me while not being in a relationship. it wasn’t him ever “not being enough” it was me just not over my ex. and i keep trying to tell him that. little by little i tell him im unhappy, im miserable, i don’t want to live in this house. but every time he says we will get though it together and i just need more time. but i’ve been feeling like this for months. i have no one to really talk to about it and i’ve just been trying to wait it out, for it to get better, but it’s not.
so i I know what i need to do and what i want to do i just don’t know how. there’s so many thoughts and possibilities going on in my head. if i break up with him we work together so i see him everyday, we live together so i’ll either have to have him live in the other room or move out, but i don’t have the money to live by myself so i can’t even afford for him to move out. oh and he also doesn’t drive so i don’t know how he would afford all the ubers home, and i would most likely just take him to and from like i’ve been doing out of empathy. and what if he moves out and we are still working together? how would he ever get another job if he doesn’t have a car? i also just feel really bad. i think about how to let him down easy so he can be ok with it but there’s just no way. i know why people in movies act like jerks before so the other person isn’t so hurt but i know from experience that doesn’t work. he’s a great guy and rlly sweet i just didn’t want this.
i feel trapped. i don’t know what to do

Hi everyone, I (23F) have been in a 2 year relationship with my partner (27M). Back in August of 2023 he moved to New York and I moved to london from the same base city and we began a long distance relationship. There were some ups and downs where we weren’t sure it would work and took a break from Dec to Jan but in January of 2024 we decided to commit to the long distance completely.
I went to see him in New York in Feb of 2024 and ten days later he slept with someone. He slept with some girl he’d met on hinge during the break. He slept with her twice in the span of ten days. She found out he had a girlfriend and he “supposedly” felt guilty enough that he wanted to end it, even though he says she wanted to continue”. I had suggested an open relationship before this and don’t understand why he wouldn’t just be honest with me and ask for that instead.
I found out about the cheating May 12th, so two months later. He’s begging to make it work and telling me he can’t let go of me and us and our future. He said he’ll do anything I want him to, to make it work. I know I’m very much in love with him but this is the hardest thing I’ve had to do.
I’ve told him we can’t date until he figures out why he cheated (he doesn’t have a solid answer) and he’s started therapy to figure it out. We want to remain friends during both our healing journeys in therapy but not date because I cannot date him at the moment. I feel like I’m going against all my morals :(. I also said if he really wants to prove to me he can do this, he can’t sleep with anyone during our friendship either. So it’s sort of like a relationship for him without any of the love, affection and commitment from me. I would just be a friend. I still haven’t 100% committed to this idea but have started brainstorming boundaries and rules for this friendship period so that he can get back together with me.
I’m still very much struggling with the moral aspect of taking him back. Any advice?

I'm an INFP guy in my 30s, and am currently living with my parents temporarily while i get a new place... my dad is an ISTJ.
My dad has never been emotionally available, encouraging, supportive.. we never have had meaningful conversations literally ever... he has mellowed out *a little* since retiring, but still overall seems insensitive a lot.
A little backstory, the past few years have easily been the toughest of my life, some very traumatic and painful things I've been going through... my dad involuntarily and unjustly sent me to a psych ward because he was concerned that i was depressed... he spent tons of money to convince a judge that he had good intentions and as a grown adult, police forced me away for 5 days, which ruined trust issues with my parents and caused lots of mental problems for me in the seven years since...
my parents apologized after the incident and admitted they misjudged me and made a mistake in thinking i was depressed. stupid fucking move if you ask me.
Anyways, this past year has been incredibly painful, dififcult for many reasons... I'm just trying to move forward in life and turn things around... and it was just easier for me to move back in with my family during this time, which they allowed...
Most recently, my dad has been wanting me to move out very soon and he is very aware that this is the toughest, most pivotal, delicate, painful time of my life by far... i've told him to just be patient and not force me to move out...
Two days ago he calmly asked me if we could meet at the park to talk about my living situation, how he came up with a time frame on me moving out and that he wants to discuss it... which couldn't have been worse timing, as i just recently began working a new job and aside from this stressful job, i have a ton of very difficult things going on,
and instantly when i began talking about how i have a lot going on, he cuts me off and doesn't even allow me to talk... i ask him to stop cutting me off, and soon after as i'm calmly talking, he gets angry..
i then calmly asked him to stop being insensitive, and to be understanding that i don't know when we'll meet... and he said it has to be less than two weeks, and during the toughest time of my life, and with work and the countless other very painful and difficult things i'm working through, i just couldn't agree to a time,
and i said to please be patient, and starts threatening me saying "if we don't meet, i'm just going to make a decision and you won't like it", meaning he'll kick me out,
and i begin asking him to be gentle and sensitive, how i've been asking him this for years, how he's always been insensitive since forever, and he begins turning up his TV volume loud to drown me out, and i get more hurt and begin crying a bit, and he is just cold and insensitive,
and gets angry and/or shuts me out by turning up the tv volume...
the confusing part is, he has a four year old grandson, a sweet boy that is my sisters son... i'm the uncle.. and my as the grandfather, my dad is always gentle and kind towards him,
and here's me, a child at heart who always stayed true to himself and the little boy within him.. .i remained a gentle childlike soul who still loves the same things i did as a boy... climbing trees and playing outside, art and music... i'm true to the boy i was...
and then i began saying how i'm a child at heart and how he's kind to his grandson and so why not me? and he began turning up the tv volume again and not responding..
i then asked him to just be gentle, and i was very hurt and talking a bit loud and as a petty defense mechanism my dad goes "oh, you're being gentle?", because i was emotional and expressing my feelings a bit loudly.
i walked away into a different room in heavy tears, about 30 minutes later wrote a note about how i'm going through the most painful time of my life, to please stop adding pressure into my life, and how i'm a gentle child at heart...
and soon after i heard a very loud bang noise from the kitchen, and i walked in and saw my piece of paper i poured my heart into, and it was taken off the counter i placed it on with tape, and placed to the side on this desk in the kitchen...
so he got mad and banged the fridge or something, and took the paper and cast it aside, like me and my feelings...
i don't understand why he would be so harsh and cold towards me his son, who he says he loves, but gentle and kind towards his grandson.

• I would like to be inside my own head without having to do this (responsibilities).
  
• I just feel that there are things I don't achieve because I'm flawed.
  
• I like to write down things about myself and it's not something I ever do, but I'm enjoying doing this rn.
  
• I always need some time to process things before doing them because I always want a mental break between tasks, and to have time to mentally prepare myself.
  
• In the end, I realize that sometimes I avoid pain like everyone else, and sometimes when I don't avoid pain it's because I know there's a possibility that this feeling won't sink me further, although paradoxically, sometimes I provoke it to confront it, and I'm not afraid, but I don't want to keep feeling this(? But, at the same time I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all (three days grace reference(?). Like, yesterday I knew that remembering him and playing our songs would make me cry but I did it.
  
• In the end, what your instinct tells you is what never fails.
  
• To what extent is what you feel real?
  
• I get sudden gut feelings that are always right.
  
• Why have I been treated so badly?
  
• How can everything be so complex?
  
• "If you were such a good mother, then why the hell am I feeling like this?"
  
• I focus on the personality of the person I love and adapt it to mine to avoid the emptiness I feel with myself. When I didn't do this, I sometimes felt disoriented, but this only activates when the person I love abandons me. But ngl, sometimes I don't feel good doing this, sometimes I do. Depends on my mood, but it makes me feel bad, in some way.
  
• If you want to feel the intensity of your emotions, just do it. (But then sometimes I think it's better to keep things to yourself)
  
• Sometimes I don't overthink, it makes me feel lazy when thinking about it (but other times I do, and a lot).
  
• Why does everything make me feel so lazy?
  
• "You do everything wrong." From: me To: me
  
• I like days of doing nothing.
  
• I'm interested in the unknown and once I know it, I'm less interested, that's why I change interests so much and don't specialize in anything, but at the same time, I'm interested in many things.
  
• What if I'm never right?
  
• I feel envy for those who can be free. (But not an insane envy, I just want to be like them, being free).
  
• I used to be happier before.
  
• A part of me tests people, pushing the limits of their patience to see how far they'll go with me, only to end up seeing that they got tired of me again and that I was obviously right, but I self-sabotaged to confirm it under the question: how long will it last?
  
• No one will accept me the way I am.
  
• I don't want to do anything.
  
• The way my opinions can change so much is crazy.
  
• It's better to keep some people emotionally as far away as possible.
  
• I feel like I don't belong.
  
• I feel misunderstood.
  
• I want to get away from all of this.
  
• Nowadays, talking about what's happening to me makes me feel bad because it makes me feel uncomfortable, dramatic, and ridiculous, as I tend to overthink whatever is happening to me.
  
• I find it hard to connect with others, often not having a response to say, or leaving my mind blank. That makes me feel mediocre, insufficient.
  
• I don't feel comfortable/safe with others, so I keep to myself. I think they will humiliate me or they will belittle how I feel.
  
• I don't know what kind of delusion you've created about yourself.
  
• Do I feel this way or am I just self deceiving me to protect myself?
  
• Sometimes just want to see if I get attention when posting something on instagram (not about attention seeking because I post normal things, for example: a selfie(? I hope this not be misunderstood.)
  
• I let myself be carried away by my desires at the given moment.
  
• My defense mechanism might be pretending I don't care from the outside until I can't stand it anymore and then I won't pretend because it will make me feel worse (on the inside I constantly think about how much I care).
  
• I don't maintain intimate relationships with others, aside from the fact that it's never mutual, because I feel I'll be judged, so I withdraw and avoid it.
  
• I love this calm of no one coming in this room.
  
• Dramatic.
  
• Although it hurts to feel it, I cling to this feeling and want to feel it because it frees me from feeling empty (not being able to get over my ex but prefers experimenting that pain rather than feeling emptiness).
  
• I don't want to express myself anymore. (But probably at some point I will).
  
• I like being in my own head.
  
• I want to escape.
  
• The part I enjoyed most about making polls on instagram was because he liked them too (so that means he answered them and I knew more about him).
  
• You know when you feel you can't rely on others, so you decide to keep everything to yourself?
  
• I feel like I'm letting others walk all over me again, like when I was a kid and never defended myself.
  

P.S. I know many of my thoughts are intense, immature and can be judged, but I share them because I think it can be useful for self-discovery and growth from there. I know I need to heal.
You can also add tritype/wing and/or instinctual variant if you have it clear

I'm an INFP guy in my 30s, and am currently living with my parents temporarily while i get a new place...
My dad has never been emotionally available, encouraging, supportive.. we never have had meaningful conversations literally ever... he has mellowed out *a little* since retiring, but still overall seems insensitive a lot.
A little backstory, the past few years have easily been the toughest of my life, some very traumatic and painful things I've been going through... my dad involuntarily and unjustly sent me to a psych ward because he was concerned that i was depressed... he spent tons of money to convince a judge that he had good intentions and as a grown adult, police forced me away for 5 days, which ruined trust issues with my parents and caused lots of mental problems for me in the seven years since...
my parents apologized after the incident and admitted they misjudged me and made a mistake in thinking i was depressed. stupid fucking move if you ask me.
Anyways, this past year has been incredibly painful, dififcult for many reasons... I'm just trying to move forward in life and turn things around... and it was just easier for me to move back in with my family during this time, which they allowed...
Most recently, my dad has been wanting me to move out very soon and he is very aware that this is the toughest, most pivotal, delicate, painful time of my life by far... i've told him to just be patient and not force me to move out...
Two days ago he calmly asked me if we could meet at the park to talk about my living situation, how he came up with a time frame on me moving out and that he wants to discuss it... which couldn't have been worse timing, as i just recently began working a new job and aside from this stressful job, i have a ton of very difficult things going on,
and instantly when i began talking about how i have a lot going on, he cuts me off and doesn't even allow me to talk... i ask him to stop cutting me off, and soon after as i'm calmly talking, he gets angry..
i then calmly asked him to stop being insensitive, and to be understanding that i don't know when we'll meet... and he said it has to be less than two weeks, and during the toughest time of my life, and with work and the countless other very painful and difficult things i'm working through, i just couldn't agree to a time,
and i said to please be patient, and starts threatening me saying "if we don't meet, i'm just going to make a decision and you won't like it", meaning he'll kick me out,
and i begin asking him to be gentle and sensitive, how i've been asking him this for years, how he's always been insensitive since forever, and he begins turning up his TV volume loud to drown me out, and i get more hurt and begin crying a bit, and he is just cold and insensitive,
and gets angry and/or shuts me out by turning up the tv volume...
the confusing part is, he has a four year old grandson, a sweet boy that is my sisters son... i'm the uncle.. and my as the grandfather, my dad is always gentle and kind towards him,
and here's me, a child at heart who always stayed true to himself and the little boy within him.. .i remained a gentle childlike soul who still loves the same things i did as a boy... climbing trees and playing outside, art and music... i'm true to the boy i was...
and then i began saying how i'm a child at heart and how he's kind to his grandson and so why not me? and he began turning up the tv volume again and not responding..
i then asked him to just be gentle, and i was very hurt and talking a bit loud and as a petty defense mechanism my dad goes "oh, you're being gentle?", because i was emotional and expressing my feelings a bit loudly.
i walked away into a different room in heavy tears, about 30 minutes later wrote a note about how i'm going through the most painful time of my life, to please stop adding pressure into my life, and how i'm a gentle child at heart...
and soon after i heard a very loud bang noise from the kitchen, and i walked in and saw my piece of paper i poured my heart into, and it was taken off the counter i placed it on with tape, and placed to the side on this desk in the kitchen...
so he got mad and banged the fridge or something, and took the paper and cast it aside, like me and my feelings...
i don't understand why he would be so harsh and cold towards me his son, who he says he loves, but gentle and kind towards his grandson.

Unsurprisingly this comment was censored elsewhere, so I am trying it here.
My hypothesis is that Freud's patients, who were mainly wealthy women in arranged marriages, did not find their husbands attractive. Modern life backs this up: as soon as women began to have opportunity to break away from societal restrains surrounding sex, they virtually all display sexual hypergamy: this appears to be a biological fact, which was restrained by virtually every society. It is not a surprise that virtually every society independently came up with rules surrounding sex and curbed female sexual freedom to at least some degree: it must be that these societies recognized the biological sexual hypergamy and the threats it could pose to society. Since radical 4rth wave feminism was implemented in the modern West about a decade ago we have seen how Western civilization has suddenly began its demise. In about 10 years, 1000s of years of civilization have been undone.
Back to Freud's patients: again, they were upper class wealthy women in arranged marriages, and so by virtue of simple statistics, since there are only so many highly attractive men, the majority of these women did not find their husbands attractive, but could not openly talk about this due to societal restrains. This gap caused distress, which then manifested in hysteria. That is why when they were able to do talk therapy and get out their repressed thoughts, their physical symptoms of hysteria were reduced. In addition, it is pretty much a fact that women are much more sensitive to guilt (my hypothesis for this is: as the physically weaker sex, women are more dependent on society for survival, so are more sensitive to acting anti-social, which is what guilt helps stop) than men (and due to the societal restraints they likely felt ashamed for wanting better than their husbands), and so this likely also played a part in creating a disconnect so strong that it caused neurological symptoms.
EDIT:
I had no idea of the cases below when I made this hypothesis. My hypothesis was based on: a) most of his patients were upper class/wealthy women b) most had unexplained neurological/physical symptoms c) sexuality was at least partially a theme in most cases. I combined that with the observed sexual behavior of women I see today, as well as my observed theme of women being much more sensitive of guilt and shame compared to men.
But I just skimmed the cases and found some support for my hypothesis:
There were 5 women with case studies. 1 of them (Anna O.) does not appear to fit the pattern of my hypothesis, but she was not mainly treated by Freud, rather, by Breuer. Though it appears that the whole "penis envy" thing largely stemmed from her case. In summary, she appeared to have resentment over her brother, because she was smart but was not given the same academic opportunities due to being a girl. However, I can't seem to find anything about her sexual life.
Number 2: Anna von Lieben (Cäcilie M.)
There seems to be reasonable support for my hypothesis in this case.
https://eprints.gla.ac.uk/291492/1/291492.pdf
According to the above, appears that at 19, shortly prior to marriage, she started to have symptoms, relating to either a sexual experience or fantasy, and she kept it inside and did not tell anyone the details (likely due to shame?).
https://www.costumecocktail.com/2017/03/06/anna-todesco-ca-1865/
According to the above, she was wealthy, and at age 21 married a very wealthy older man.
https://www.encyclopedia.com/psychology/dictionaries-thesauruses-pictures-and-press-releases/cacilie-m-case
According to the above:

She had an intuition of a future state that led her to remark, "It's a long time since I've been frightened of witches at night," the night before she experienced this fear.

We all know what witches were associated with at that time: sexual promiscuity.
Number 3: Fanny Moser.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/freuds-patients-serial/201207/fanny-moser-1848-1925
According to the above, she was born in a wealthy family, and at age 23, married a wealthy 65 year old. Then when she got older she divorced, and fell in "love" with a much younger man, who robbed her of some of her fortune, and her daughters stopped speaking to her due to her irrational "love" for this much younger man. Again, my hypothesis is that she was not sexually fulfilled by her 40+ year older husband, and she fantasized about more attractive men, and the shame and guilt from this manifested in physical symptoms. Then she couldn't handle it and gave in and went the other extreme and married a much younger more attractive man who was clearly using her for her money. Again, due to protect herself from the shame/guilt from this action of hers, she projected and shifted her blamed at her daughters.
Number 4: Miss Lucy R.
https://www.encyclopedia.com/psychology/dictionaries-thesauruses-pictures-and-press-releases/lucy-r-case
Another wealthy woman, she was in "love" with the man whose chlidren she cared for, and she was in denial about this (again, shame?).
Number 5: Katharina
https://www.pbs.org/youngdrfreud/pages/analysis_fears.htm
According to the above, at the age of 16 she developed symptoms after witnessing her father having sex with her sister, and her father apparently made a pass for her 2 years prior. While this case has nothing to do with her own marriage, a potential hypothesis is that she was a virgin at that time, and at that time a 16 year old female virgin likely had no access to men except her fantasy, and by that age one would be developed enough to have sexual desires. So perhaps she was turned on momentarily when she saw that scene, and this caused moral disgust and shame in her, and this manifested in physical symptoms.

I was in ROTC (Army) for a mere 4 months but had to quit because my doctor had me on these horrible pills that made me very very, just absolutely miserable. I cannot emphasise how BAD I felt on those meds. Ironically I started them when I joined and ran out after I quit but still too late in realising it was mainly the meds that impacted me. That was last year, spring 2023
Here and now for the past few days, I’ve had the sudden nagging/urge/whatever to want to try to rejoin. Not ROTC this time but as a regular soldier. And I really really want to. It’s the only thing I’m good at, following instructions. Being told what to do
I got a major surgery in summer 2023 so I gained back all the weight, plus a bit more, I’ve managed to lose in training and outside activities. Which is frustrating because I was expecting to lose more weight from the surgery. I just have shit genetics. It has always been very difficult for me to have a healthy body. When I healed, I kinda went lazy on physical activity. My exercise was being cautious about the surgery sight. I was paranoid I’d fuck up and rip something open even though the doctor said I could start doing light exercise
I’ve been trying to get my shit together no matter how demotivating my body type is. I’ve started running but then…my knees. At first I thought it was just because I’ve been out for so long, it’ll go away. But the pain persisted for the next 1.5 weeks and it was decided that I’d take it down to just walking. My knees still hurt to the point that even walking has become a minor challenge
I’m so bummed. I definitely can’t rejoin now. On top of that, my allergies have worsened and I’m technically “oN tHe SpEcTrUm”. Two other factors that are definite disqualifiers for the military, regardless if I have the mildest form of autism. It’s the only thing I’ve come to realise I can actually do. Just simply follow orders (not intended Star Wars ref)
I hate school. Even though I finally found something I decently enjoy, animation, I still hate it. I’ve been struggling because of the forced creativity. I’m now beyond art block. I’m just devoid of ideas. I’m empty. The army seemed like a simple task for my simple brain. I know in reality it isn’t but hopefully you know what I meant. I guess I could put it as it’s straightforward
I’m losing hope. I’m just pushing through these last bits of school even though I’ve probably delayed my graduation at least another 3 years (I’m going on my 3rd year). I’m so tired of this. My mom is forcing me to get a damn bachelor’s degree. Move out? Oh how I’d love too but she’s carefully raised me to rely on her. She’s taught me nothing. As much as I’m trying to figure things out on my own time, it’s so hard because of how she made me turn out. I still wouldn’t last out there. When, or if, I do finally graduate, I wouldn’t know where to go next. I don’t want to do school but all I’ve known is school because US system go brrr
I definitely can’t rejoin the military now because my newly acquired knee issues and my other biological defects. I’m out of options. I don’t know what to do anymore. Where else could I go? What else could I do? I don’t fucking know!

How to move on?
I (f24) broke up with my bf last March after he cheated on me multiple times. Our relationship was tumultuous to say the least.
Before we even started dating there was one night where we were hanging out together. We ended up kissing and then he tried to take my trousers down, I said no multiple times and pulled them back up multiple times. Then eventually gave up pulling them back up but every time he would try to move my pants and try to insert his penis to have sex I would physically push him away and say no. I don’t know why but I liked him and didn’t want to embarrass him so was trying to do it in a way that wouldn’t upset him. Eventually after saying no enough times he just sat me up and just put it in my mouth, I pulled back and then left not long after feeling so rubbish and upset. The next day he apologised a lot and said he was confused and didn’t know what I wanted in the moment and I told him it was fine because I just didn’t want to think about it.
Two weeks before this I had explained to him how I really was afraid of intimacy due to my past and I really wanted to take things slow-he seemed to understand.
Anyways then I ended up in a relationship with him. bear in mind this was a dumb fucking decision but I was also severely anxious and struggling with bulimia at the time. I think he knew I was so fragile and he knew how much I liked him and he used it to his advantage. Still even though I was in a relationship with him I was always nervous to spend time alone with him cause I knew he would beg me to do stuff with him even when I really didn’t want to. He would keep begging and physically trying to have sex with me until I would relent a little bit. I understand in a relationship you normally just do that stuff but idk I was just finding it really hard with him and Idk why.
Anyways he ended up cheating on me and it became a whole situation and the police had to get involved. I think about it all the time. He was also accused of rape by another girl. Ever since March I’ve felt guilty like I’ve ruined him life. I feel so anxious every day, if I do something wrong the guilt consumes me. I just feel like an awful person. I know logically this is not the case but I can’t seem to get rid of the guilt and anxiety that plague me all the time.
I don’t know if this counts as anything, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I made all the wrong decisions and no one can look at this as anything more than a stupid girl. What can I do? I’m so lost

I was in ROTC (Army) for a mere 4 months but had to quit because my doctor had me on these horrible pills that made me very very, just absolutely miserable. I cannot emphasise how BAD I felt on those meds. Ironically I started them when I joined and ran out after I quit but still too late in realising it was mainly the meds that impacted me. That was last year, spring 2023
Here and now for the past few days, I’ve had the sudden nagging/urge/whatever to want to try to rejoin. Not ROTC this time but as a regular soldier. And I really really want to. It’s the only thing I’m good at, following instructions. Being told what to do
I got a major surgery in summer 2023 so I gained back all the weight, plus a bit more, I’ve managed to lose in training and outside activities. Which is frustrating because I was expecting to lose more weight from the surgery. I just have shit genetics. It has always been very difficult for me to have a healthy body. When I healed, I kinda went lazy on physical activity. My exercise was being cautious about the surgery sight. I was paranoid I’d fuck up and rip something open even though the doctor said I could start doing light exercise
I’ve been trying to get my shit together no matter how demotivating my body type is. I’ve started running but then…my knees. At first I thought it was just because I’ve been out for so long, it’ll go away. But the pain persisted for the next 1.5 weeks and it was decided that I’d take it down to just walking. My knees still hurt to the point that even walking has become a minor challenge
I’m so bummed. I definitely can’t rejoin now. On top of that, my allergies have worsened and I’m technically “oN tHe SpEcTrUm”. Two other factors that are definite disqualifiers for the military, regardless if I have the mildest form of autism. It’s the only thing I’ve come to realise I can actually do. Just simply follow orders (not intended Star Wars ref)
I hate school. Even though I finally found something I decently enjoy, animation, I still hate it. I’ve been struggling because of the forced creativity. I’m now beyond art block. I’m just devoid of ideas. I’m empty. The army seemed like a simple task for my simple brain. I know in reality it isn’t but hopefully you know what I meant. I guess I could put it as it’s straightforward
I’m losing hope. I’m just pushing through these last bits of school even though I’ve probably delayed my graduation at least another 3 years (I’m going on my 3rd year). I’m so tired of this. My mom is forcing me to get a damn bachelor’s degree. Move out? Oh how I’d love too but she’s carefully raised me to rely on her. She’s taught me nothing. As much as I’m trying to figure things out on my own time, it’s so hard because of how she made me turn out. I still wouldn’t last out there. When, or if, I do finally graduate, I wouldn’t know where to go next. I don’t want to do school but all I’ve known is school because US system go brrr
I definitely can’t rejoin the military now because my newly acquired knee issues and my other biological defects. I’m out of options. I don’t know what to do anymore. Where else can I go? What else can I do?

The title is the TL/DR
We are riders. We know the dangers that come with riding. We accept this and still choose to ride. But this one hits close to home. Here's the situation with my brother:
So this year I've been riding almost everyday its not raining, commuting to work on it. 15 miles/day. Really getting into it. Been riding for 3 years but this year something clicked haha. (07 shadow 750 btw)
Anyways, my brother was recently discharged from the military due to a training accident that required back and knee surgery (fell off 3 story buiding) and he moved back to our home town. Hes 15 minutes away from me now. Hes doing better now but still experience periodic sharp pains and cramps. I mean its bad enough for the military to release him. He wears a back brace a lot of the time. Anyways. He approcahed me and said he wants to start riding! As his younger brother, I'm excited to hear this and hope to go on rides together ofc.
He's been talking to me, talking to other riders, doing his research on types of bikes and what he'd like to get.
Then last night he sent me a list of the bikes he's thinking of getting for his first bike (new or used, depending on the bike).
Well, here's the list (He's around 6 foot 1, 220 lbs , 26yo btw):
Triumph Daytona 660 or 675 Kawasaki Ninja 650 Gsxr 600 or 750
I was honestly surprised by the list?
They are amazing bikes btw! Look like so much fun! Just, besides the normal debate of if a 600cc plus sports bikes are good for beginners (debatable). I am concerned about his injuries, and ongoing back and knee issues. Sports bikes ofc demand a pretty aggressive riding posture. I mean sometimes he can't pick anything, (or even his kids) up for days because of the pain.
On top of that, Hes....a bit reckless at times. He's a car guy like me, but he's one of those to go to take overs and drift in the middle of the road type shit. Instagram and tik tok content type of guy lol.
Concerned he may be doing a highway run or trying to drop knee on a corner when he gets a sharp pain that takes his breathe away (which are unpredictable and has happened while driving before even), and BOOM...
I talked to him about other riding styles, types of bikes, smaller CC bikes as well, he does not care at all. Thinks all other motorcycle types are ugly or "not cool" (ouch? lol), and that he does not want to get a lower CC bike because "they're too f*cking slow, I'll have to upgrade next year".
I hate that misconception btw. I mean how would he know what's enough for him, he's never even ridding a bike yet! Everyone is different. Sure for some 600 is not enough, for others its plenty. And it's not about the ccs. Just a factor ofc. Oh, and annoying to hear from a nonrideaspiring rider. Love him to death but his mindset concerns me.
He also wants to finance if possible. And does not want to take the msf or any training. Said me or someone else can teach him or he'll learn by himself....
Am I crazy to think he's being irresponsible about it? Has a Wife, kids, pets back home , as many of us do.
I already know most people will say "it's his life. Let him do what he wants" or that I sound like a hater. But It's my brothers life here. Youre not here in person to see how bad the iniury still affects him. Its been 6 months. Ofc I care.
I want him to ride. With or without me. We all know how fun and fulfilling it is. And I truly believe he will enjoy it.
What do you guys think? Should he atleast have conversation with his doctor?

I always wanted to see Hanako as the 10th rival rather than Megami because, well, Hanako is Taro's sister. A family member would be the hardest individual to get rid of and a huge pain for someone to lose.
So, I've decided to rewrite Hanako and make her the 10th rival instead of Mary Sue (she needs to go straight to the trash, smh).
⚠️ Some things will be changed in future, so beware! 😀
Instead of Hanako being the childish, incest, and clingy sister that Pedodev made her to be, I decided to make her act more like Nemesis minus the whole revenge plan she has and she does have her hair loose instead of pigtails . So, let me go into more detail →

Why is Hanako the 10th rival? What makes her so different from Mary Sue?

Hanako is Taro's sister. That's a huge difference between Megami and her. Taro does love his family, especially his sister he grew close to and helped raise. Megami is nothing to Taro. Taro would choose Hanako over Megami any day. No one can replace his own sibling.
Hanako isn't a Mary Sue. She does have flaws. Hanako can be killed, framed, matchmade, and any other elimination that the game has. Sure, it will be harder to actually kill her, but she can be killed.
Hanako does know how to protect herself in this rewrite. There's a reason why she does something traumatic that happened to her. It does involve the gloves she's wearing.

What happened that made her this way?

Hanako used to be a very cheerful young little girl. She used to be very outgoing, having no worries in her life, and seeing no danger in the world as many children do.
Until an event took place that changed her perspective on the world. Considering that Hanako was an outgoing little girl who didn't see the dangers the same way her own parents did, Hanako was almost kidnapped by two men (who were part of a human trafficking business). They needed a new and fresh victim to get money, and seeing Hanako and her innocent little self was the perfect opportunity to kidnap her and get money quickly. Hanako tried fighting back against them. Even if they were armed with a knife, it didn't stop her. As a result of this, the knife slashed her palm, causing her to let out a bloody scream.
Hanako needed stitches for the wound on her palm. It left a scar. She uses gloves to cover it and not remember that traumatizing memory.
Fortunately, her parents and Taro heard and were able to stop it, but her father and mother were injured in the process of saving her, mostly her father, who almost cost his life to save her. Taro couldn't do much since he was still a kid when this happened. His mother made sure he was away and safe from those two men.
Hanako's perspective of the world around her changed completely after that event. Seeing her parents' injuries, and if it wasn't for their mother, Taro would have been injured or killed or even taken. Something snapped in her.
Ever since that event, Hanako became very clingy to her parents and Taro, not leaving their side, especially when they were in public and around a large group of people.
As she grew older, Hanako decided to take classes of self-defense to protect herself and her family from anyone. This continued for a few more years and remained close to her family, taking care of them and making sure they were safe from harm or danger.
⚠️ Her backstory might change in the future, so be beware!

Why was she absent for nine weeks? Where was she?

She was in America training in a program that chose her to continue her training of self-defense, sensing danger, etc. Her mother went with her since she was still underage during the time. Hanako has been there for a year. By the time Ayano is “active”, she will have been in America for two years.
Hanako did continue her education in America. During her time there, she would keep in touch with her brother, telling him about her training, her education, her day, how it was in America, etc. Even if the two siblings were very far away, their sibling love remained very close and strong.

What made her return to Japan and enroll in Akademi?

Hanako decided to return to Japan and enroll in Akadmi when she found out what was happening with her brother, his mental health and what would happen to other students if Ayano decided to murder her rivals or any other student. Each week, his mental health would decrease depending on how Ayano gets rid of the rival. His mental health will decrease much more if he saw the corpse of a rival or saw them be killed in front of him, especially if it's Osana.
Hanako decides to go back to Japan, not finishing her program and enrolling in Akademi as soon as possible before the week even starts, to be there for her brother, comfort, and protect him.
She's quite happy to be with her brother and father again after two years.

What are the obstacles that Ayano will face?

→ Hanako will always be next to Taro to keep him company. She will do anything in her power to comfort her brother and be by his side after being gone for two years. Even if he was the oldest, Hanako would take care of him the same way he did for her.
→ Hazu Kashibuchi. He will be Hanako's suitor. Hanako will meet Hazu on the first day of Akademi since they sit right next to each other in class. Hazu will be Hanako's first friend. So, Hanako will be close to Hazu as well during the week and be in the sewing room as well. Hazu will teach her how to sew. Taro will be there as well to learn and find a good way to release stress and focus on something positive.
→ Genka, the guidance counselor, will be an obstacle for Ayano as well. Hanako will be with Genka along with her brother. Taro will use this time with Genka to speak with her about his mental health and his thoughts while Hanako will be next to him, listening and holding his hand. There will be meetings between Genka and Hanako to speak about Taro's mental health and how he is doing and tell Hanako ideas on how to help her big bro. Those ideas are going to be the events that Ayano has to sabotage
→ Hanako can sense danger. She can immediately apprehend Ayano and break her arm. Even if she's short, she will stop Ayano from harming her or any student. If Ayano is doing anything suspicious, Hanako will keep her eyes on her until she's out of her sight. Hanako can be framed, but her gloves need to be taken from her. Ayano has to find a way to do it.
→ ⚠️ Osana and Raibaru. Hanako is very close to Osana as well, so Hanako would spend a lot of her time with Osana and Raibaru who she sees as a new friend, and someone who she can relate to and have self-defense lessons with. So, Raibaru will be a big challenge for Ayano. Osana will be a threat if she's still alive. If not, Raibaru will be the threat. Unless she's dead, too. So this obstacle is a “If” thing.
→ I would add Budo if Taro and Budo were close friends. I feel like Hanako would spend time with him since they do share a strong sense of justice and know self-defense. Budo is quite popular, so he would know how to survive Akademi lol
→ The clubs. Considering that Hanako has been in America for the past two years and training, she decided to join a club after she found out how many clubs there were. The reason why is because she wants to have a hobby and explore something new. So, Hanako, during the week, would be walking in and out of club rooms to speak with the club leaders and meeting the members as well. Considering that some of the club members do leave their club rooms or areas like the Gardening Club, Hanako will be surrounded by students, so it'll be hard to find a spot without having a student as a witness.
→ Considering that Nemesis carries around a knife during mission mode, I want to make Hanako carry a knife to protect herself with. A knife that she can hide. So technically, she can kill Ayano. I might change this.
→ Considering it's the 10th week, the student council president election will be taking place, so students will be walking around, gossiping around in the halls, some will be near the student council room to determine who deserves the spot, some students will be running around the school, or standing at certain places where Ayano can't get Hanako alone. Hanako would most likely be with her brother, walking around and having her brother explain what's going on before she goes off on her own and explores what's going on. Hanako would most likely try to speak with the student council, or at least be in the same area as them.

What's her befriending stealth mission?

It will involve either those two men (who are much older, but they will be trying to find new victims to take). Ayano will know what happened to Hanako by eavesdropping on her conversations with Taro and Genka. (They can also be used for the “Drive to Murder” elimination for Hanako)
Maybe in this mission, Hanako will be asking Ayano to get evidence against the human traffickers to put them behind bars and save the victims who couldn't be saved like she was. This would bring Ayano into great danger of either being killed or being used for human trafficking herself. Ayano is a good-looking girl, so the business would think she would bring good customers.
It will take research to know where the human traffickers are located, or at least the help of Info-chan.
There's still some things I need to think about for this stealth mission!
Or
Someone that she met during her time in America who came to Japan way before Hanako did. A rival for Hanako. They would have some history together that Taro wouldn't know about. I haven't thought much about this mission, so I'll see what I can make up :]

Ever since Billie’s new album came out, my store has only been playing Billie Eilish exclusively.
NO HATE TO BILLIE EILISH I LOVE HER AND THE NEW ALBUM
The shift started with me on warming. The store was quiet, we have so much drama, everyone’s angry and irritable because we’re all new and don’t know what we’re doing. 3 people called out. On top of that Billie Eilish is going “when did it end? All the enjoyment”
LIKE BILLIE THIS IS NOT ENCOURAGING!
Later, I was on register taking someone’s order. This poor old woman was trying to shout over Billie Eilish, who was screaming about “all the times I waited for you TO WANT ME NAKED”
I cringed so bad, I mean I was flabbergasted. (Insert the “m’am, this is a Wendy’s” meme). Like Billie, I’m working.
And then a lady came up and handed me a list of 16 drinks she wanted to order. My shift manager said it was okay to take the order even though we only had one person on bar, a 10 person line behind her, and 4 of the drinks were at my brewing station with nobody to help me on reg.
Against my request NOT TO, the customer walked away before I made her coffees so I have the next person in line up to my till staring at me while I’m making these 4 coffees. I don’t stress myself out usually at work but i was honestly fucking stressed in that moment because I had to keep looking at the register at her order to make sure I got the milk right. We ran out of milk so I had to climb over the baristas to get their milk. I was labeling cups, struggling to push the coffees into the tray, getting burns all over my hand
meanwhile 🎶 “always in my headspace. but I know someday I’ll make it OUT OF HERE”🎶 was on the speaker. like BILLIE I AM BEGGING FOR MERCY!!
I mean working in a fast paced, high stress environment I do not need to hear this. They should play her happier songs only maybe? I don’t need stuff that’s cringy or reflects how I feel a little too well. I need something that will pump me up, encourage and motivate me.
The vibe is completely different and better when we have normal music playing. I mean what were they thinking to play Billie Eilish all day? Just had to get that off my chest.
Again no hate to Billie I love her

I (19 year old they/them) was in a relationship with a guy we'll call Daniel (18 year old male). We were pretty popular in a tiny community and soon started dating. Our relationship was very public. We did livestreams together, videos together, content together, basically everything together. After four to five months together, he became emotionally @busive. Calling me hurtful things and threatening my friends with harm and their lives because they didn't "respect" him. He would tell me that he hated me and then the next day would blame mental illness for what he said. At some point, I decided to break up with him because it wasn't healthy for me.
Word about our breakup started to spread. At first, I didn't want to make a statement, to move on and do my own thing. But I soon realized that wasn't the case. People would constantly ask me what happened and soon his fans were reaching out to me, saying I missed out on a good man. That's when I decided to make a response. The video was 3 minutes long at most, with screenshots of not only the hateful things he said to me, but screenshots from others the the community about his uncomfortable behavior around them.
The video blew up in our community and many people showed their support to me. Many were thankful that the video was not made to mass cancel or attack on Daniel, but to raise awareness of how he treats people in the community. He however, did not like it one bit. Many of the people who supported him unfollowed him so he decided to make a response.
In his response, which was 7 minutes long, he talks about how I was this crazy person who took one instance where he was upset and mad at me and dramatized it (though I provided multiple different times where he was mad in screenshots). He also told people I was bipolar (which I am not, I only have ADHD), And that I was never a victim and that he was. That didn't go well and many people turned against him after that video was made. Not only that, I am dating one of his old fans with a healthy and happy open relationship. Me and him have been together for close to 8 months. Daniel said that I was a horrible person for this so, AITA?

Whats up my dudes, we are back at it with another chapter for you all. We are getting the swing of things and have another chapter or two to start the main plot fully, we are just getting to know our leads for now. I hope you enjoy
Lets get this bread
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The movement from the nightclub to Stitch’s clinic was grueling. Typically lugging a passed-out HVI or some other sod halfway across the city's district would not be a challenge. With his cybernetics, Conor was in decent enough shape and could sprint ten kilometers in full battle rattle without breaking a sweat, but Conor had pushed himself and didn’t need to wax a few Voodal in his way.
Conor had heard that Kurlatra were dense, but his assumptions about how heavy they were came nowhere close to the reality of picking one up.
Whatever this woman's name was, she likely weighed north of eighty kilograms. It was a shock because she was a meter and a half tall at most. For Urka’s sake, Conor only weighed one hundred and fifty kilograms despite being two meters tall and filled to the brim with wires.
He thought a bit about the woman's build and realized why she must weigh so much. She had hips and legs that could crush a man's skull. Along with a pair of tits just big enough that they would overflow from your hands.
Conner was made all the more well aware of those traits as he adjusted her to ensure he would not drop the little lass. Her fatty chest and plump thighs would try to swallow his hip each time he did. No sentient this small had any right being heavier than his entire breacher kit, explosives, anti-rifle armor, and all.
If not for Brakul expecting this rosey scag to be delivered to Stitch’s place, Conor would have lugged her to his safe house, which was far closer. But no, he had another job and order to follow.
The only shining light on this impromptu extraction was that the Voodal did not follow him. He had been worried about that last ganger he had shot; they had only eaten one round through the midchest. At the time, it looked like it might not have been a heart shot, and since he was picking this bimbo up at the time, he did not have a chance to ensure they were put down permanently.
Conor took a deep breath as he rounded the corner into a dirty alleyway, leaving the bustling thoroughfare behind. Thankfully, the residents of Heavalun knew better than to mess with him or anyone else who regularly did mercenary work, especially when they were carrying a body—alive or not.
Those who stopped his type tended not to live long, so he was ignored other than a few passing glances.
After traveling a few meters into the alleyway, Conor stopped and tucked behind a dumpster. His feet squelched in a puddle of rank trash water leaking from the impromptu cover. While Conor was reasonably sure no one had followed him, a quick double-check was always good for his skin.
Conor did not want to bring trouble to Stitch’s place. He did not have the slightest idea where he would find another techy who could synthesize the cocktail of stimulants Stitch made to keep his broken body held together. Pissing the tech head off was not high on his priority list.
Over the next ten minutes, the only thing his thermal vision picked up between him and the main road was a few Zlit rats scurrying atop discarded food. Their fleshy tendrils groped the garbage and pulled it into maws of razor-sharp teeth.
The sight of them sent a shiver down his spine. Those foul little mammals were high on his list of hated creatures, having been bitten by them more than once since he was a kid slinking around the gutters of Heavalun.
Pushing those memories away, Conor traveled deeper and rounded a blind corner. The sounds of the crowd's chatter entirely vanished as he entered the backstreet where Stitch’s clinic was nestled.
The rest of the journey was only a few hundred meters and only required Conor to sidestep some used needles and shit; He also had to kick one homeless bum who tried to grab the girl out of the cover of his jacket. Usually, he would have just shot the piece of hreck shit, but with his hands full, a swift boot to the jaw got the message across.
With the bum limping away, broken jaw clutched in pain, Conor hammered on the metal door; its frame and the neon sign to its side quivered under his brute strength. Then began the worst part of dealing with Stitch, waiting for the asshole to open the door.
Conor waited until ten minutes had passed and received no answer. Then he punched the door harder, his metal hand denting the surface. Several seconds later, a heavily synthesized voice echoed out of the speakers hidden around the area—speakers that Conor had never been able to locate, no matter how fervently he tried.
“What do you want, Conor?” Stitch questioned. “Did you break more of your wiring?”
Conor sighed heavily, knowing Stitch had this entire block wired with multispectrum cameras and could see him a kilometer out. If this were a visit for his wiring, Stitch would know. The man was just being paranoid and wanted Conor to state his business.
“I got a girl I need you to check up on,” Conor said, pushing his jacket slightly open and letting the girl's ref scales shine.
“What another hooker pass out on a bad trip?” Stitch chuckled cruelly. “This is the fourth this month; you are getting soft merc.”
Rolling his eyes, Conor could admit he was softer than most of the other mercenaries and gangsters in the city's neutral sections. Having seen his fair share of how bad this city can be, Conor did his best not to fuck over those who were just down on bad times and were not trying to cause him issues.
Life was arduous enough for them. So he gave back by lugging hookers and junkies to the nearest tech head and paying for their treatment or the closest Zential clinic. The Zentials were more than willing to treat the downtrodden for free, unlike the other medical services in Heavalun—stitch included.
He considered it his way of giving back and maybe finding Urka's good grace. Perhaps the god might forgive him for being a general piece of hreck shit if he continued to until he did. But he would not know until he finally kicked the bucket.
His intervention was a drop of clean water in the ocean of venom in this city. The other locals were more than willing to pick those he aided clean in minutes. They might as well be a swarm of bealit beatles eating carrion with how ravenous they were.
“It ain’t that. Just open the damn door,” Conor growled, punching the door again.
“Hold on, you greased-up cyborg,” Stitch frantically complained, worried that Conor would break his door again.
Conor smirked, glad the strange form of tolerance he and Stitch had built over the years was still strong. At this point, it was their modus operandi. Neither hated the other; no, they respected one another's role in this shithole.
Both toles put them in harm's way and brought them respect and infamy.
However, Conor found the way the denizens of Heavalun treated them funny. If you asked the average COS or GU citizen, who was more brutal: a mercenary with a pension for hyper-violence and little regard for collateral damage—-or a skeletal Itelv doctor who regularly performs life-saving surgery? They would choose Conor ten out of ten times. They did not know Stitch like Conor, Brakul, or most of the people in this city section.
They would tell you the truth of the good doctor.
They would weave you a tale of a greedy, crit-pinching asshole and that Stitch was the type of man who would stitch up for pay but would just as quickly harvest your organs for sale, or Urka forbid he would stick some experimental tech inside you and wait for your inevitable death to retrieve his property.
The door at long last opened with a vile hiss, and a gangly grey-skinned hand forced it open.
Stitch was just about as tall as Conor. But his thin grey limbs made him look one stiff breeze away from taking flight, with only his heavy artificial spider-like legs keeping him firmly on the planet.
Draped over his pencil-thin neck was a once-white apron. After years of use, it was stained with blood, oil, and hydraulic fluid.
“If she ain't one of your precious hookers, put her on the table. I will get my tool ready,” Stitch hissed, jamming his thumb over a shoulder.
“I ain’t selling this one to you either. Girlie got tagged by visage, and I need yah to treat her,” Conor replied, pushing past and laying the blonde on the recovery bed.
“You said she ain’t some hooker,” Stitch complained following, having gotten tired of Conor no longer bringing him fresh meat to sell.
Once Conor turned around and was about to explain the situation, Stitch pressed a bony finger into Conor's chest. “I told you, I'm selling the next one. She is it,”
“Can it doc. She is a client,” Conor replied. “Or are you going to explain to Brakul why you cut her up?”
Stitch clicked his tongue but did not try to move closer. His glassy, verdant eyes pulled Conor and the girl apart as he weighed the pros and cons of allying with Conor and Brakul another time.
“What is in it for me?” Stitch questioned, tapping a finger on a scalpel attached to his tool belt.
Conor sighed, realizing he should have expected this question, but he was not the broker of deals. That was Brakul’s schtick, and he was running late.
“You can take her jewelry and any credsticks you find on her. Alright?” Conor replied, knowing Brakul likely would have made a similar deal.
Stitch nodded and slinked closer to the woman. He lifted the necklace from her chest and carefully examined the jewels with a prudish eye any good businessman should have. After Stitch activated his magnified eyes, his cornea glowed gold, letting him see the atoms of the shiny trinket.
The doctor grinned cruelly, letting his crystalline teeth show proudly. The sight was unsettling and made Conor grip his pistol, fearing the doctor would flip his shit and decide it was not enough payment and try to cut the girl up.
But he did not start to slice her skin open. Instead, he sniggered nearly uncontrollably for a few moments, then spoke. “Yes, yes, yes. This will do just fine,” He sneered.
Conor was unsure what the jewels were, but they must be worth far more than he initially thought. For Urka's sake, Stitch was drooling on the necklace and the passed-out girl's chest.
“Good. So you will take care of her?” Conor questioned, needing to hear an assured answer.
Quickly slipping the jewelry into his pocket, Stitch looked back at Conor, his demeanor having done a complete one-eighty. “Of course, I always have room for paying customers.”
“Oh sweet, Conor, you handled the deal,” Brakul said, having just stepped in through the doors.
Why Brakul was allowed unfettered access to Stitch’s clinic and Conor was not something Conor had wondered for years but had accepted it as something to do with their role in the duo.
“Yeah, and he will watch the client. But we had yet to lay out the finer details,” Conor explained.
“Ah, no issue, I can take it from here,” Brakul replied.
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so what did you think? a decent chapter or total trash? either way I wanna know. I will see you all in the comments. please don't forget to comment and updoot.
your baker
-Pirate
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Trigger Warning ( ED, Addction, Abuse)
So this is going to be a long one, i’m sorry in advance.
I am trying desperately to figure out what i need to do. Before i start - i have severe BPD and the worst self esteem, i am manipulative at times, i have a fear of being alone, and im also bulimic... so please be kind. I know some of the things i did in this were not fair to him, but he hurt me and i acted how i did and i can’t change it.
So i was with my ex from age 15-18 (fully together) and off and on until 19. We had a really rocky relationship at the end. He touched me in a way i didn’t want about a year or so into the relationship and that’s where things started to change. After a while i started getting interested in seeing other people, before i did anything he started being physically abusive. Then when i did start seeing other people he was always still around. One of those people i ended up seeing was a friend of his i met because of him. Me and that friend hooked up behind his back and i eventually told him.
Me and the friend started dating and everything was fine, i was no physical contact with my ex, until i found out he was seeing someone. I completely lost it. I didn’t know what to do. I acted out of who knows what, and i went and saw my ex. We argued, then talked. I came back again and we had sex. My current bf wasn’t very happy obviously but he didn’t say i couldn’t do it, he gave permission.
We ended up being in a relationship with all of us because both my ex and current bf are bi. However that didn’t last long because they got jealous. They started to hate each other and it really sucked because i was as happy as can be. I felt so safe with them both. So now they hate each other, but im still with my current bf, but havent stopped seeing my ex.
To shorten this up a bit… we kind of went through the same cycle of he would try to talk to someone but i wouldn’t let him leave me, while still being with my current bf.
I ended up becoming an addict and my ex was there for me. He told me he was going to help me and he was going to get me back. But a week later he snapped on me. He told me he was done and he didn’t want to do what we were doing anymore. He treated me horribly about my addiction and basically called me pathetic, (this was all over text.) After that i told him i wanted to see him in person and talk to him. He told me the same things but nicer, just that he needed to move on.. but i didn’t want him to because i wanted to end up with him again when he decided to change and actually make up for putting his hands on me.
We kept talking in the car and i cuddled him and bawled my eyes out. I wanted to kiss him but he told me no at first, then he gave in. We talked for a while and reminisced about our life together, but i eventually had to take him home. Before he got out of the car i asked him if he was going this because of a girl, he said not exactly, but he found a girl that he thought was pretty. I panicked, but he assured me he wasn’t just going to run off and forget me.
A week later, on snapchat i see pictures of him and that girl at our old date place, and i lost it. I had a panic attack and i didn’t know what to do. I was so angry, he lied, and he always lied when we were together. All i could think about was the fact he promised me he would take my pain away and we would be together again. But no, he was gone with her.
After the panic attack i pretended i was find for a week and then i eventually messaged his girlfriend and told him the shitty things he did to me in hopes they’d break up, well it didn’t work. So i continued with my life once more until i couldn’t handle the pain and i texted him apologizing for everything and how i acted about him hurting me. I told him i would hope for another chance for the rest of my life. His girlfriend ended up texting me saying nasty ass shit to me. We argued but then came to a middle ground of not hating each other somehow.
All was fine until i found out he groomed my little sister, and that brought him back into my mind again. I was so angry and all i wanted to do was make him look like a piece of shit to everyone, and i did. And it was all worth it until now.
Now i absolutely understand what love is. I sit here and i do everything i can to make myself hate him and everyone else, just to hide the fact i am completely in love. I think about him daily, i look at all of his social media, i don’t know if ill ever let go because he was my first love.
I am still with the boyfriend i had through this whole thing and i don’t even know what to do for us. I don’t know what i feel for him. I know i love him very much, but it’s just not the same. We have very severe fights where i become the aggressor. It’s constant, almost everyday.
I feel like im lost. I don’t know myself. I am a mosaic of everyone i have loved, not me. I have become a monster of self hatred. I do not know what to do anymore. Where do i go from here? I feel like giving up and just wasting away. I need some advice. I have no friends to talk to, i’d rather come here and hopefully find someone who can help..

I 29F live with my mom, older brother by 6 yrs and 95yr old grandma. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety from about 20yrs old and have probably been living with it since I was a child but didn't know what it was. Since I was a child I have had a lot of responsibility placed on me as the "gifted kid" that would "save and protect" the family and hold it together. Now, I wasn't aware I was being put into that role until I got to live and work abroad and had some time to reflect and also talk to peers to realise that most people don't live their childhood, teens and twenties supporting their family of adults - especially not as the youngest member of the household.
That job abroad felt like it was the first time doing something for myself and by myself but quickly became supporting the family financially and at every beck and call from abroad. My mom would vent to me about whatever is daunting on her emotionally, stressing her financially etc and being so used to it - I always made it become my problem to fix it. This lead to a problem where, I have no savings, no property that isn't tied to/shared with someone else, and I am constantly mentally drained and emotionally exhausted till I just don't have the mental capacity to work on my own goals and aspirations. Further stressing me out is I actually have a lot of big goals and aspirations and expectations I set to myself. Being so far behind, esp when it seems like its mostly not my fault (apart from my enabling it etc) doesn't do wonders for my mental health.
The usual pattern in my life is as soon as the slightest good thing happens, or even just a shift in my mental health (say motivation comes from somewhere and I really start to put plans into action) - something much worse happens that forces me back into my abyss. Except, it gets deeper and deeper every time. I'll spare you several examples.
So upon my realisation that I was probably "parentified", that my mom is far too reliant on me as a second breadwinner and that I am functionally her husband - I wrote her a letter saying I was pulling the plug on all that, that they all needed to learn how to live without relying on me because I don't even want kids and don't see why I am supporting adults when I don't even live there at the moment. I was going to express that they are fundamentally holding me back and that it has to and would stop.
Unfortunately, before I could finish that letter, mom calls to say she was diagnosed with cancer. Now this too would be somehow my issue to fix cause my brother though working always made less than me and he was extremely unwilling to take care of mom. Even to just take her to doctors appointments he couldn't be bothered to do, preferring to just work instead. While I was abroad I had to ask my friends and mom had to ask her friends for that kind of support and I eventually hired a caregiver that I sent money back home (in addition to my usual financial aid). Eventually it would come to pass that mom would need chemo and the possibility she may not survive. I was afraid to come home lest all the burden of this naturally high stress situation fell on me - but at the same time what if she doesn't make it and I never saw her again?
I couldn't afford a roundtrip airfare and the arrangement with my job was if I terminated at the end of my contract without renewing I could go home at my employer's expense. I decided to quit and come home after a less than hopeful conversation with my mom's oncologist. This meant financially we'd be reliant on mom's regular burdened by debt income, her insurance and my brother's income (this never happened btw) to get by since I am now jobless.
What I feared happening happened exactly AND more! Not only did the caregiver I hired eventually walk off the job which made me mom's primary caregiver, her nurse, her chauffer, personal assistant and courier. I also became the housekeeper, the shot caller, the household manager, the cook, the plumber... you get the idea. On top of that, my brother would be a regular thorn in the side because he would throw tantrums when I needed the car to do things for mom (mom and I own the car but mom started to let him drive it while I was away since he recently got his license). He was highly uncooperative with handling his own personal responsibilities (eg taking care of his cats), as well as anything where I would need extra help with mom. My grandma also would complicate things ( she has always been a narcistic bitch and no one in the family likes her but mom insists she has to stay cause mom is a pushover - you see who I get it from yes. Grandma would actively compete with my mom for pity points, faking sickness, deliberately making herself sick, exerting herself unnecessarily to then feign weakness and guilt trip me - all because she wanted the same attention that I gave the cancer patient.
Mom too, would put me under emotional duress cause in all this she also wanted me to do everything and be happy about it even if I had to pretend. She would start to make demands, oddly specific meal requests of someone who does not cook at all, demand having access to me at all times of day, and if I were to take free time out of the house by myself, she would insist I need to do something for the house or for her while I was out esp if I was going to use her car (the car we both own, that when we bought she told me it was mine and the car that is officially willed to me - yes that one). We also had several arguments where I learned she always thought that cause I was the "smart one" she expected that I could be fully left to my devices and I'd turn out fine and she could rely on me to take care of my deadbeat, driven-less, lazy, lonely, woman-blaming incel and approaching sexually deviant brother after she eventually passes. Cause she is confident that he may never learn to fully adult. And she is likely right by her own fault was she coddles him and shields him from every form of consequence of his action or inaction and is very hesitant about any kind of tough love for him but when it comes to me - even with the slightest of things/benefits she will quickly withhold because "I am inherently more privileged" than he is.
In all of this, my friends when I reach out for support never want to show up. They don't want to deal with any of my problems. No one wants to let me stay even for a week to get a break from my household. Most of them anyway I can't even trust cause they see me as their scapegoat for female touch and affection and since I am no longer willing to pity their loneliness they have gone extremely cold and some try to skirt around touching me inappropriately when they're around me.
Now, I also live in a poor country where pay is always shit. I still only have a bachelors in something that pays extra shit at entry level esp in my country. Peers in my country have very different interests than me usually which is how I am still with the same circle of misfits I have from high school as friends. There's not really anything to do at home that interests me - career wise or entertainment wise. Which is why getting out was such a high priority. But as you can see that's always been and continues to be put on the back burner.
Now that mom is doing much better, its back to looking at exiting cause I will not ever feel better if I stay in this house or even in that country. And my family can thank themselves for finally pushing me to the point where I really don't care what happens to them once I am confidently gone.
So I have shit family, shit friends, no job, my family is actively trying to strip me of any kind of power or leverage with what I do own, changing the conversation as necessary if it means I stay trapped. All because I unfortunately expressed that I want out and that I am not of the opinion that family is everything or blood is thicker than water. Once I get a job, it probably won't pay well enough to rent and apparently the car I part own isn't really mine while I live in my mom's house (which is also legally, partially mine) by her logic. Public transit is very expensive, so if I rent without a car that's even more money I'd have to make. I'd also have to accept the risks that come with public transit in a murder-loving country esp a murder-against-women-loving country vs just brute forcing the mental trauma of staying at that pitiful excuse of a home.
This was a lot longer than planned and if you read all of that, thank you. Sincerely. If you have any tips on how to cope in a high stress, high pressure environment besides hobbies, meditation and exercise - enlighten me. If you skipped to the end, I am not doing a TLDR. I will just wish you blessings and I hope that your life is on a better trend than mine ever was.

Preface: This is kind of a lot, but this is all very simplistic. There's a lot more to all of the things I'm venting about than could be contained in one post. I just kind of need to get this out there, scream into the void or something, you know? Don't judge my ex too harshly for any of this, we're all just young and inexperienced and a lot of this is just feelings, I'm too raw to really interpret this in a reational way.
About Me
Fuck man, I don’t even know what to say. I feel so small and pathetic. I’ve been so passive my whole life, and I don’t know how to change it. I don’t really have any close friends, and it’s hard to meet people who share the same interests as me. I have a job that I’m probably going to quit when I get in contact with my boss. It’s not a bad work environment on the boss/coworkers side of things. The customers trend around the mildly dismissive/kind shitty side though. They’re mostly wealthy so I’m not really expecting much honestly. But after all the stuff that’s happened in my life as of late I just need to get out of there. It’s full time work and it takes me 90 minutes on average to get there and back, and being alone with your thoughts on the (unreliable) subway for that long really isn’t helping my mental state. This is the most mentally unwell I’ve felt since grade 12. I need to get out. I was walking back from the station yesterday and the thought of quitting was intoxicating. I could feel the air in my lungs, the sun on my skin, I felt like the world was colourful and mine to explore. It made me feel big, like a person again. People keep telling me that things will get better, and that I just have to wait. Well, I’ve been waiting almost my entire life and I’ve yet to see a major improvement. I’m not going to sit around and wait for life to happen to me. If life is going to get better, it’ll be because of me.
About B (my ex)
She broke my fucking heart twice man. It feels so shitty. There’s just so much I feel and think about it and it makes me hurt so much. She’s so passive about a lot of things. Why did she just wait until her breaking point in our relationship to really bring up her big concerns? Why does she keep letting E treat her the way he does? I feel like we could have salvaged our relationship if she’d seriously brought it up around Christmas when she started to feel that way about it instead of just waiting for things to improve on their own. Looking back at it, she started to change the way she was talking to me (especially over text) in the months leading up to her dumping me. There was no more, like, “ohh you want to come over so bad” type stuff, it became very dry and matter of fact. She reacts really harshly to criticism too (granted I don’t take criticism very well at times either, but I don’t turn every mention of a concerning behaviour into how it’s actually wrong for anyone to bring these things up at all because of x y z reasons). It really did feel like I couldn’t bring things like that up at times. And that one thing she said to me not too long ago, something along the lines of getting on her ass about job hunting once she graduates from school. It’s like, fucking what? You hate it when I do that! When I was bringing up the dishes you had in the sink, trying to get you to do even just some of them instead of playing Stardew Valley in bed all day you fucking exploded at me! (Clarification, this was during school, I was not at hers during this. If I was, I would have done them). What the fuck are you talking about? And that shit about “I haven’t felt like myself in a long time, I changed myself very early in our relationship to be with you” what does that even mean? It’s such weird behaviour to bring that up in the process of the breakup instead of, I don’t know, when you realise you feel that way? So we can work it out? I want to scream and yell at her, tell her all the things I’ve dumped in this dumb little rant I’ve made, I hurt so much. But that won’t help anything, and as much as I hurt, I don’t want to hurt her, not really. She still wants to be friends, but after all this… fuck, man… I just need to get out and find myself again.
About E (the ass) (tw: some sexual assault)
Fuck man, E makes me so fucking angry. He’s such an ass. He never fucking respected my and B’s relationship. All that shit he did was so fucking weird and gross and hurtful. And the way B reacted to my concerns about it really doesn’t make me feel any better about it. Like I get that she seriously considered cutting him out of her life on multiple occasions after the things he did (getting drunk and groping her, getting drunk and almost kissing her, constantly forgetting that she was in a committed relationship for nearly three fucking years, “oh did you get that guy's number” “No I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost three years” “oh oops I forgot lol”). But the constant downplaying and deflecting (oh he’s just kind of a flirt, he has/had a really bad drinking problem, the constant casual sex he has actually makes him feel sad and empty, he’s just had a rough life) she did really makes it feel like she wasn’t considering the hurt it was causing. And that shit he did while we were still in the process of breaking up (She brought up that she was considering breaking up on Monday April 22nd, he comes over on Tuesday April 23rd to cheer her up a bit and then forces a kiss on her (completely sober btw), she dumps me for real on Wednesday April 24th). And she still wants to hang out with him? And even more downplaying of his weird behaviour (“That’s not groping when he did that”, “What? That’s not assault, I know he forced a kiss that I didn’t want on me and then I had to push him off, but like, that’s not assault because I’ve known him for 6 years”) It’s so confusing. What the fuck am I supposed to make of all this? And she’s clearly interested in him on some level, she gets all cagey whenever I bring him up. I caught a glance at her phone and he was in there as “Pretty Boy”. Fucking “Pretty Boy”? I can’t even tell if it’s sarcastic or not. Like Jesus Christ, it feels like she doesn’t really care at all about how he treated me or her. It just hurts so much, I’m so angry about it. And I know how this will end, regardless of whether or not she sleeps with him. He’ll continue his weird shitty behaviour (not just with her, he's a fucking weirdo), she’ll get let down for the millionth time, and then she’ll either keep letting him get away with it, or she’ll finally cut him out of her life. And honestly, I don’t know if I want to be friends with her if she stays friends with him. It just hurts too much.

PART 1:

 Every town has their own version of “The Boogeyman”. A monster, cryptid, phantom, whatever you want to call it, it’s all essentially the same thing- just a scary story they tell kids in an attempt to get them to behave. An urban legend is just a life lesson disguised as a horror story after all. For us folk living up in the tiny and once prosperous gold-mining town of Trillium, ours was known simply as The Locust Man. Now, let me start by saying, I realize how ridiculous that name must sound to you. “The Locust Man”?? Pftt…What’s he do, besides get stuck in the grill of someone’s pick-up truck. Destroy some crops? Oooh, he sounds real scary... yeah, I know. But yet, as I sit here today 20 years after the fact - a grown woman who’s wiser, stronger, and even more grounded in reality than she was at 12, I still hesitate to even write down that name. 

As a young child I had always thought it to be a little weird that our town was called Trillium, considering I had never seen a single one growing there. If you don’t know, a trillium is a small flower, usually white but they come in other color varieties as well, with three pedals and a bright yellow center. They sort of look like if you took a lily and tore off every other pedal playing “He loves me, he loves me not”. In school, about 2nd grade or so, we were taught everything about this elusive flower I’d never seen in real life, and told how proud our town was to be named after it. Trillium, Colorado was established in 1922 - A new town born in the wake of a great tragedy which befell the town that had previously sat in the same location. For us, and those that came before us, the trillium was supposed to be a symbol of hope. Knowing all that I know now, that sentiment almost makes me want to laugh - in a morbid way.

 Growing up in a small, mostly isolated town, there really wasn’t much for a kid to do. You’d have to drive 45 minutes to get to the closest mall and movie theater. The high school kids would usually all hang out at the roller rink downtown or at the old run-down burger joint called Slim’s that sat across it. But at that age, I wasn’t allowed to go hang out there by myself yet and for me, going with my parents tagging along wasn’t an option I was open to. My neighborhood was on a long dead end road leading up to a large patch of woods that separated the main part of town from the abandoned mine. The old trail the miners used was still accessible up until a point, and so me and the other kids from my street would hang out in those woods all the time. We had a “secret spot” which was, what we thought at the time, about half way through the woods, 10 steps away from a small shallow creek that pretty much ran the length of the area. Rain Creek, we called it. There was a small clearing there, and we had created our own little clubhouse using old milk crates as supports, half- broken wooden pallets as walls, along with some old lawn chairs one of the neighbors was throwing out one day. I made my contribution by bringing a tarp we had in our basement that served as the roof of our establishment. Our parents didn’t love the idea of five 10 to 12 year olds running around in the woods by ourselves, but as long as we stayed within earshot and made it back before the streetlights came on, they probably figured it was safer than us being across town galavanting unsupervised. 

It was me, Lacey, Devin, Mikey and Michelle. We were all best friends - pretty much inseparable, except the boys weren’t invited to the girls’ sleepovers and vise versa. Everyday after school, we’d get dropped off by the bus at the very beginning of our road, and it was a running joke between the Rain Street Gang (as we liked to call ourselves) for all of us to try and run off the bus as quickly as possible, while me, Lacey and Devin would all yell in unison ‘Last two home are some rotten eggs!!’, as Mikey and Michelle tried to push past us to get a head start. The aforementioned two were siblings, and lived in the very last house on our row right next to the woods, so they’d always get home last, regardless of their efforts. Although, the year that Mikey got a pair of Heelys for Christmas he finally got his edge over the rest of us, leaving Michelle to be the lone “rotten egg” until the next summer when one of his wheels broke off. The whole point of it all was just to get home and get our chores and homework done as fast as possible, so we could meet up at Mikey and Michelle’s house with enough daylight left to make our trek into the woods and back - together as a group. All five of us had made a pact to never visit the clubhouse without all members present, although us girls always had a sneaking suspicion that the boys thought themselves exempt from that rule. They, after all, were the ones that had discovered the spot in the first place, and not to mention, did most of the physical labor of dragging our provisions out there. Me and Lacey initially only heard about the spot a day after the boys found it; Michelle had walked into Mikey’s room in the middle of him and Devin talking about it, and immediately relayed the message to us. Michelle wasn’t necessarily more loyal to the girls than the boys, she was just the youngest among us and honestly couldn’t resist blurting out any mildly relevant information she thought she might have, in an effort to be included. But in that regard, if the boys had ever gone out there on their own, they would’ve had to be extremely sneaky about it, because Michelle’s number one objective in life was to gather any piece of intel she could. It was a seemingly normal Saturday morning when we learned our suspicions about the boys may have been warranted.
I had slept over at Lacey’s house the night before. We had just woken up and were still sitting on her bed discussing our possible plans for the day, when Michelle busted through the door with a look on her face that immediately told us she had finally gotten a hold of some juicy information, before she could even open her mouth to stutter out, “You-you-you guyssss, guess w-w-what!?!” Lacey gestured the nail file that was in her hand toward her, raising her eyebrows bluntly as Michelle tried to catch her breath. “So… Devin came to sleep over last night, annnnnd I was pretending to go to the bathroom so I could spy on them. Seeeeee, I was supposed to be sleeping but I -“ “Ughh come on Michelle, get to it! What’d you hear?” Lacey snapped “Ughh okay okay. So, I heard the boys talking, anddddd…. they’re planning to go explore the old mine today!!” “Alright Michelle! Good spying!” I chuckled, trying to encourage her after Lacey’s impatience. Lacey rolls her eyes, then immediately stands up. She takes the scrunchie off her wrist, ties her long blonde hair into a messy bun, and simply said, “Let’s go.” “Lacey..” I said “What??” She responds as if she hadn’t registered the tone of my voice at all. As I opened my mouth to begin explaining all the logical and practical reasons why even if the boys were stupid enough to go play around somewhere dangerous, we shouldn’t be, Michelle exclaims, “That’s where the Locust Man lives!!” I close my mouth in defeat, as I know Lacey will take this nonsense as a challenge, and because of that, no amount of my warnings concerning actual dangers would have any effect on her decision. Lacey dismisses her comment as she attempts to shove her foot into one of her new pink sneakers that she refuses to admit are too small for her. “Pshhh, don’t be such a baby Michelle, he’s not real, you do know that right?” Michelle crinkled her face and yelled back, “Yes he is Lacey! He is!! And th-th- that’s where he lives, and he eats kids that go there!” Lacey laughs at her and says “Oh yeah? You still believe in Santa clause too? What about the tooth fairy?” Michelle looked down at her shoes, and although she could admittedly be annoying, I found myself feeling bad for her. “Come on Lacey, she’s just scared.” Lacey shot me a look like she was expecting me to burst into laughter, but I just gave her a smirk and a shrug, and she rolled her eyes and said “Get dressed.”

 We walked in silence toward the end of the road, though the reasons for all three differed drastically. Lacey’s was determination and resolve, mine was comtemptousness and defeat, and Michelle’s was just fear. I found myself half-way hoping the boys had left already, but as we approached the driveway we caught them just as they were about to step off the porch. 

“Hey!!” Lacey yelled, in her trademark cheerleader cadence. “Where do you boys think you’re going without us?”. Mikey let a groan and rolled his eyes, while Devin said through a coy smile, “Well, we were actually just heading out to go to find you girls.” “Liar.” Lacey snapped, quickly wiping the grin off Devin’s face. “Michelle already blabbed- we know where you two are going and we’re coming too.” The boys looked at each other, then Mikey shot Michelle an angry look as she tried to shrink herself behind me, and said, “Fine, whatever, but no cry baby snitches allowed!!” Michelle then proceeded to prove both of his accusations correct by yelling back, “I am not a cry baby!! I’m telling mom if you don’t let me come with you!!” At that point I finally spoke up. “Alright, listen.” I said sternly, then once I had their attention I lowered my voice a bit to say, “Just for the record, I think us going to that grody old mine is a dumb idea and a big waste of time, but if one of us goes, we all go. That’s the deal, so make your decisions.” Lacey folded her arms in solidarity beside me, and with that we all had an unspoken understanding. So, with the boys out ahead leading the way, we headed toward the tree line.

 As we entered the woods, I felt a sense of dread wash over me - but to be fair, as a preteen emo kid who had already reached an adult level of cynicism, I felt a certain level of dread towards almost everything in life. So take my premonition with a grain of salt, but for some reason, this felt… different. I remember the woods being abnormally quiet that day. It took some time for me to even notice, but as soon as I did, I interrupted the mindless chatter going on to say, 

“Where are all the freakin’ birds?” Everyone turned to look at me as if I’d completely lost my mind. “Uhhh… What are you talking about?” Devin asked me. I pointed up toward the treetops. “Listen…. ” They all looked up, then looked around at each other in confusion. “Every time we’ve ever been in these woods, there’s always birds chirping back and forth. We’ve been walking almost 5 minutes now and I haven’t heard a single bird, have you guys?” “Damn, yeah, that is weird.” Mikey agreed. “They probably all just migrated!!” Devin goofily offered. “That’s stupid Devin, it’s spring. If anything, there should be more birds here, not less you moron.” Lacie argued. Devin flipped Lacie off, which was the best rebuttal he could usually come up with, and then turned toward me and said, “Okay whatever, what’s your point exactly?” “Just that - “ I looked over to Mikey, then back at Devin. “It’s weird.” I didn’t want to say what I was actually thinking. That the woods being too quiet was never a good thing. That when birds aren’t chirping, it could mean there’s a predator nearby. Besides, I was pretty confident that the boys, having both been in the scouts, knew what I knew, so saying it out loud would only serve to annoy Lacie and further frighten Michelle. Mikey broke his gaze that had been fixed on me, and while scanning our surroundings he said, “Let’s stop by the clubhouse on the way.” With a nod from me, we continued. When we arrived at our pit stop, Lacey hobbled over to the closest lawn chair and plopped herself down in it. “Ughhh, my feet are killing me!!” “I wonder why.” I mutter under my breath. “Excuse me, what was that?” “Just saying. Those shoes are gonna be the death of you Lace, you can barely walk in them.” “Pshhh, shut up. They just need to be broken-in okay? You’re just jealous cuz you’re still wearing your dirty old Vans from last year.” “Oooh yeah, you got me there. I am so sad I don’t have a pair of ugly pink Sketchers that don’t fit me.” She stuck her tongue out at me and we both laughed. I was just about the only person who could go toe to toe with Lacey’s sass. It’s part of the reason we ended up being best friends, besides being neighbors. In regard to style, personality and interests, we were almost polar opposites. But when it came to humor we were equals. And more importantly, we both had a mutual understanding when it came to our differences- I was me and she was her, and neither of us felt the need to try and make the other one be more like us. Besides, I was the only person who had ever really stood up to Lacey and didn’t take any of her crap, so I think she respected that. While that exchange had been going on, Michelle had started picking tiny pink flowers, and the boys were rummaging in the clubhouse for something. I yelled in their direction, “Hey! Big Mike and Dirty D!!” Me and Lacey giggled and she mouthed the word “big” with air quotation marks. They didn’t respond, so I walked over to the entryway and looked in. They were standing with their backs to me while looking down at an open metal box, and Mikey was reaching to grab whatever was in it. As he stood back up, I could see what it was. “What the fuck Mikey, seriously?” Hearing me cuss, Lacey and Michelle crowded in behind me. “Chill, it’s just a BB gun.” “I know it’s a BB gun Michael, what are you doing with it, and why is it here?” I was livid at the thought that he might be coming out here and shooting at animals just to be a shithead. I expected something like that from a goober like Devin, but not Mikey. Michelle butted in, “I’m telling mom!!!” “Nice try, dad knows I have it.” He looked at me and softened his tone. “It’s for protection, just in case we come across a black bear, or some weirdo creep out here. Seriously… it’s just to scare off something, not hurt it.” He knew how I felt about killing animals, especially for no good reason. A lot of people out here are poor and hunt for food, which I could accept as a reality. But hurting animals just for fun is psycho behavior, so I was relieved to hear him dispel my fear; I really didn’t want to have to hate him. “Do you even know how to shoot that thing?” Lacey asked. “Yeah, my dad showed me.” Devin clapped his hands together, making us all jump and himself laugh. “Well alright then, let’s get going!” I turned to Michelle, still holding the flowers. “You okay?” She nodded. “If you want me to walk back with you, I can.” I was slightly hoping she’d say yes so I’d have an excuse to get out of this excursion, but she just shook her head and forced a smile. I knew she was scared, but she was just too curious. Maybe I was too.

 We walked for what felt like half an hour. The trees had gotten more dense and the path narrowed from the overgrowth. Still no birdsong. I kept scanning the area in search of any sign of life other than us. Looking for movement of creatures scurrying away, listening for the sound of rustling as we passed, hoping for a squirrel, a lizard, even a bug. Nothing. 

“How much further is this damn thing?” Lacey groaned. Mikey answered without even turning around. “We should be coming up on it any time now.” “You said that like 10 minutes ago.” “Yeah, and now we’re like 10 minutes closer to it. And hey guess what, you insisted on inviting yourself - so suck it up buttercup.” “Hahahaha!” Devin laughed like a maniac at Mikey’s quip, while Lacey folded her arms and for once in her life didn’t have a snappy comeback. This time however, I did. “Well we really only came along to make sure you idiots didn’t kill yourselves.” “Oh, so you girls came out here with us to be our protectors, huh?” Devin laughed. “Ehh, more like babysitters.” Needless to say, I was flipped off for that statement. We rounded the next bend and suddenly all came to an abrupt stop one after another, starting with Mikey. Devin positioned himself beside him and let out a disappointed groan. “Shit Mikey!” A huge tree had fallen and was blocking the trail completely. There was no way we could climb over it because of all the leaves and branches - we’d have to go around it, which meant leaving the safety of the trail and crossing Rain Creek twice to get back to it. “Seriously???” Lacey exclaimed. “Maybe it’s a sign that we shouldn’t be going.” I shrugged. Mikey didn’t seem fazed by the obstruction at all. In fact, he seemed more confident. More calm. More sure of his intended mission. “It’s fine, we’ll just go around.” Michelle, who had been mostly quiet this whole time, finally broke her fear induced silence. “We are NOT supposed to leave the tr-tr-trail Michael! We could get lost!” “We aren’t gonna get lost Michelle, I have a compass. Plus, it’s literally just a few paces that way, then we cross the creek and circle back once we pass the tree and we’re right back on the trail.” “Oh you have got to be kidding me” Lacey said, “I’m not treading through that nasty water!” “Yeah Mikey, what about Lacey’s brand new shoes??” I laughed, and she playfully slapped me in the arm. Mikey’s patience was wearing thin with us. “Look, we already walked this far - if we turn back now, we’ve wasted the whole day for nothing. If you girls wanna be lame and turn around, then go for it - but me and Dev are going.” That’s all Lacey needed. A challenge to accept; someone to prove wrong. “I’ll show you lame.” She pushed past the boys and lead the way into the thick brush towards Rain Creek. It wasn’t very wide across, and there were lots of fallen limbs and large rocks spread throughout it. The current was barely that of a trickle, and the depth was no more than knee deep for us. It was definitely doable - just an inconvenience. And of course, one more ominous obstacle lying directly in our path. Another hint from the universe telling us to turn around. We didn’t listen. Lacey placed one foot on the closest limb and pushed down a few times to test its sturdiness. “I got this.” She stepped out onto it with both feet, then shimmied sideways until she was close enough to the large exposed rock in the middle of the creek, and hopped onto it. She turned around with a full grin and said, “Coming?” Mikey made his way across the limb as Lacey hopped onto a different limb which led her to the other side of the creek. Devin followed, then me, and then it was Michelle’s turn. “I’m scared to fall in!” Of course she is, I should have made her go before me. “It’s okay Michelle, it’s easy!” I reassured her. She didn’t look convinced in the slightest. “Come on Chelle, we’re leaving you!” Mikey yelled, already walking away. “Nooo!! I’m coming! Wait!” She made it across, but instead of just walking like everyone else did, she got down on her hands and knees and gripped the limb as if it were the only thing in between her and a 50 foot drop to the ground, which was funny to see but prolonged the whole process further. After all, we were about to have to do all of this again. Next go round went a lot smoother. The creek was more shallow here, and there were a whole lot more stepping rocks and debris built up. Having just crossed successfully a few minutes ago, we were all more confident in our abilities, including Michelle - who this time we made go first. “Just walk across like it’s a bridge! You got this!!”, we all cheered for her, and then clapped when she made it to the other side. Before we knew it we were back on the trail, and it wasn’t long after that we finally arrived at our intended destination.

 We all stopped and stared at it for a minute, carefully examining the dilapidated exterior of the place that had brought both prosperity and destruction upon our town. Mikey bent down, picked up a rock and threw it into the entrance. We heard it bounce a few times before it stopped. 

“Just to make sure nothing’s in there.” he turned around to clarify. “Did anyone think to bring a flashlight?” I asked. “It’s dark as hell in there.” I was hoping for just one more reason not to go. Devin reached into his cargo shorts pocket and pulled out a small keychain-sized flashlight, smiling with the satisfaction of finally being useful. “Okay, Mikey’ll hold the gun, I’ll shine the light and you girls follow behind us. Let’s go.” Mikey shifted the BB gun from its position of resting on his shoulder, to holding the barrel in his left hand and the butt in his right; trying his best to emulate a soldier’s stance. Something his dad had taught him I’m sure. We ducked down a bit to enter. “How far in we going?” Lacey asked. “Until we see something cool.” Mikey answered. I turned around to check on Michelle, still hovering in the doorway. “You coming?” I could see in her eyes that fear had finally gotten the better of her, and curiosity had taken a backseat. With wide eyes she shook her head. “The-the Locust Man lives in there.”, she tried to whisper. “I knew you were gonna be a baby about this!” Mikey yelled. I crouched down and put my hand on her shoulder. Against my better judgment, I say “How bout you just wait here for us and pick some more flowers. We won’t be long, there’s nothing in there, I promise. Just.. don’t move from this spot and we’ll be right back, okay?” I could feel her unease, but she seemed to accept my reassurance nonetheless. “Okay.” I smiled, then stood up and looked down at my watch to check the time. 12:46 PM. I turned and headed into the darkness, trying to catch up with everyone else. I didn’t feel good about leaving Michelle, but I didn’t feel good about letting the rest of them go in there alone either. And if I’m being honest, maybe a little part of me wanted to see what was in there too. When I caught up to Lacey she asked, “Where’s Michelle?” “Stayed behind at the entrance, she was too scared. I told her to pick flowers and wait there for us.” “Pshh, figures.” “Yeah. How’s your feet?” “At this point, numb actually.” It was so dark in there that even Devin’s rinky dink flashlight was illuminating the area enough for me to start taking a closer look at my surroundings. I looked around at the rock walls, they were covered in what looked like orange mold and green algae. There was a slight breeze coming in from the entrance, but the whole place just had a staleness to it. The boys stopped and turned around as we arrived at the first curve. “So ladies, what do you think? Cool huh?” Devin asked excitedly. “Smells like a fart in here.” I said.

 The most dangerous thing about exploring an old mine wasn’t getting lost in the maze of tunnels, or tripping on the rusted tracks and slamming your head against the wall - it was something simply referred to as bad air. Pockets of still air that have dangerously low levels of oxygen, the old men in town would call it “black damp”. There was also something produced from the old chemicals they once used called “stink damp”, which smelled like rotten eggs. Both were lethal. 

“I wonder if there’s dead bodies in here!” “Uh, Dev… we’re gonna be the dead bodies in here if we go in too far. I wasn’t just making a joke, you know that rotten egg smell can mean bad air.” Mikey interjected. “The entrance isn’t far behind us, there’s still enough fresh air coming in. We won’t go in too far, let’s just get to the end of this tunnel where it splits off and look around a bit, then we’ll turn around.” The fork in the tunnel really wasn’t that much further, and even though I knew once we rounded this curve I wouldn’t be able to see the entrance behind me anymore, I decided what the hell. Maybe a hundred more steps, then we can finally turn around and this whole dumb situation would be closer to being over with. When we got there, we looked down the length of the connecting tunnels each way. Everything looked unusually identical in its deterioration. I could see how someone could easily get disoriented and lost down here. “Hellooooo…” Mikey yelled to the left, his voice echoing through the corridor. Devin turned to the opposite direction and called out, “Hey yo, Locust Man!! You in here?” We all giggled, which made me think about Michelle, still waiting at the entrance for us, alone in the woods. I looked down at my watch. 12:46 PM. “Hey what the f-“ My cuss word was interrupted by a loud bang that came from the passageway Devin had just been hollering into. We all froze. I didn’t have time to process that my watch had stopped right as we entered the tunnel, or that Michelle had been left alone for who knows how long now, or that we had just heard what sounded like a support beam crashing to the ground, because next came a horrifying screeching buzzing sound. It sounded distant at first, but was quickly increasing in volume. We silently looked around at each other and backed away stunned at what we were hearing. Mikey never took his eyes off the tunnel though, and slowly he began to raise the BB gun to firing position. Without even thinking, I grabbed the barrel and pushed it downward. He quickly tore his eyes away from his target to look at me. I shook my head and managed to barely choke out the word, “Explosion.” He nodded and I let go. I looked down at the gun in his hands, and seeing his finger had already been on the trigger, I realized how lucky it was that I didn’t make him shoot himself in the foot. All of a sudden, the noise stopped. “What the hell was that?” Lacey asked. “I don’t know, nothing good.” I said. “Let’s just get the fuck out of here before this whole place caves in on us or something.” Another loud bang erupted from the right, extremely close to us. “Shit!!!” We all turned around and ran as fast as we could back toward the entrance. Devin tried to push past me, but as he did my elbow knocked the flashlight out of his hand. “My flashlight!!!” “Leave it!” Mikey shouted “The turn is right here, we won’t need it!” We rounded the corner, and using what little light there was illuminating from the entrance to guide us back, we ran like our lives depended on it. And they may have- none of us dared to look back, not like we would have been able to see anything anyway. When we finally made it out, we were all completely out of breath. I felt like I was going to throw up. I have to admit though, once we had made it back to safety I felt a rush of adrenaline like I had just had a near death experience. That feeling quickly faded into sheer panic when I looked around and realized Michelle was nowhere to be seen. “Uh, where’s Michelle?” Mikey asked me. “I told her to stay right here, she can’t be very far… Michelle!!!!” We all called her name, as loud as we could. No answer, no sign of her anywhere. “Alright look, she probably went off a little further looking for flowers to pick.” I tried to rationalize. “Let’s just split off in 4 directions and walk in a straight line while calling for her. She’s bound to hear one of us.” Everyone agreed, and even though I appeared outwardly as the level-headed calm person you need to take control in an emergency, inside I was petrified that something had happened to her, and that it would be my fault. I took the east, and headed out. It didn’t take too long before I passed a large tree and saw her sitting down behind it, looking at something on the ground. “Michelle! Oh thank god!! Didn’t you hear us calling for you??” She didn’t answer me, or even turn around. “Michelle, didn’t I tell you to stay by the entrance and not move?!?” My relief was quickly turning into annoyance as she continued to ignore me. I walked up closer to see what she was looking at, and my mouth dropped in awe of what she had found. It was a single white trillium.

 They say it takes 8 years for a trillium plant to produce a flower, and conditions have to be just right for it to bloom. That’s what makes them so special and rare. I stared down at it almost in a trance, like I was seeing a mythical creature. Michelle slowly reached out her hand towards it and I snapped out of it. 

“No!!” I grabbed her by the arm and she finally turned around to look at me. “If you pick the flower, the plant will die.” She ripped her arm away from my grasp and whined, “But I want to show my mom!” We heard Mikey calling from the north and I cupped my hands over my mouth to yell back, “I found her, she’s over here!!” I looked back at her. “No Michelle, come on, you can just tell her about it when we get back home.” I had enough, I was beyond ready to go and we still had at least another 45 minutes of walking to even get back to the clubhouse; an hour if Michelle kept up her crap. I grabbed her arm again and pulled her up to a standing position, looking back at the trillium as I walked her away. Mikey caught up to us, breathless but trying to hide his concern. “You little shit, we should have left you out here! What the hell were you doing?” I let go of her arm and she walked toward Mikey. “She was trying to pick a flower over there.” “It was a trillium!!” Michelle said, with the biggest smile on her face. “Wait, really?” He looked at me in disbelief. Before I could respond, a blood curdling scream echoed through the forest, coming from the west. It was Lacey. My heart dropped into my stomach and once again, every molecule in my body went into full blown panic mode. This time, I couldn’t contain my composure. “Laceyyyyyy!!!!!” A panicked shriek erupted from my lungs and I took off running. Mikey grabbed Michelle and sprinted after us. The trees became a blur; I didn’t even feel all the scratches and scrapes. Had she come across a coyote? A mountain lion? A bear? I didn’t even stop to think about the danger I might be about to come in contact with, I just ran. And then I found her. She was lying on the ground, holding her left foot. “Lacey!!” I said, trying to choke back the tears that were building up. “I think I twisted my ankle!!” “Oh god damn it, you bitch.” I struggled to catch my breath. “I thought you were dead.” “I might as well be, I have cheerleading practice on Monday!” Mikey and Michelle caught up to us. “What happened?” He asked “She’s being a drama queen, she just rolled her ankle.” I was angry. “Can you get up?” He asked her. She was able to stand, but as soon as she tried to put any pressure on her foot at all, she screamed in pain. We spotted Devin running over from the south as he was yelling out, “Hey yo, everyone alive and accounted for?” “Yeah, Lacey hurt her ankle.” Mikey yelled back. As he approached he looked concerned. “Can you walk on it?” He asked her. “No.” Without hesitation he replied, “Well alright then, looks like you’re gonna have to piggyback it all the way back home.” He lowered himself enough to where she could hop up onto his back, and we headed back toward the trail. Even though my nerves had begun to settle a bit, I knew we were still far from being out of the woods, in more ways than one.

[To view the original post, click here]
If you’re a musician, then you’re a spiritual person.
You may call yourself an atheist…. or an agnostic…. or Frank, whatever you prefer.
But you’re a spiritual person nonetheless.
Because according to the definition that I just made up in my head as I typed this, spirituality is anything that aspires towards the truth.
Now, you may say this isn’t your goal. You may even be openly running away from problems in your own life. You may even believe that life is inherently meaningless or absurd.
But in music, I am certain you are seeking the truth.
Even you, my jaded friends, the very fact that you’re reading this post is because somewhere in you……….the ember of belief still burns.****
(***Just a heads up, if you aren’t resonating at this point, this will be a very uncomfortable read for you…)
“Now Michael, how do you know I’m seeking the truth? You’re just a man I don’t really know very well…”
I know because I feel the exact same way when I make music.
But the moment the recording light on my phone starts blinking (is that a thing?), whatever truth I aspire towards slips through my fingers.***
(****For those not picking up on this vibe, really appreciate you giving it a shot but this Substack is probably just gonna be more of this… so thanks for coming out!)
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The other day, I tried to film a YouTube video.
I was gonna talk about music business news and give my thoughts, and in my head, it was beautiful.
I was funny but serious. Authoritative, but also kinda in on the joke. Post-ironic and good spirited.
Me and Preston (who lived in the podcast studio for a brief period of time to get this label off the ground🫡) set up the cameras and got the set looking nice.
I was going to talk about the Universal Music and TikTok dispute. I had some hot takes I wanted to share, and I was ready to spit some facts.
I figured a series talking about music business would be a cool way to align my interest in business with my passion for music. Our parent company (long live the mothership, Mastering.com ⚔️) has a large following on YouTube, so they offered to help me launch the new series.
Preston (🫡 ) printed the earnings reports and had them on my sick looking executive desk (actually $40 on FB marketplace). I even bought those swinging clackers (or Newton’s cradle for chumps) to make my desk look extra slick.
I turned to Preston, and said “let’s rock and roll” or something like that.
Preston hit RECORD.
I took off at a casual but lively gate. I hit a well timed planned joke early and I was hand-gesturing at a steady clip.
I had prepared what I would say a few times in my head… but pretty quickly I started having a hard time stitching the ideas together.
A stumble, a recovery…….. a joke, a nervous laugh! ….a thought about the nervous laugh, a thought about the thought about the nervous laugh….blank…..blank……. darkness……
And before I knew it, whatever truth I was about to bear down on the world evaporated above me.
After about 5 minutes, like a car steaming from the hood, I pulled the show over to the side of the road and shut her down.
I turned to Preston (🫡) and said “oh my gosh this is boring as sh**”.
I was like Walter Cronkite without the believability, charm, or dashing good looks… I had all the pizzaz of an (unsalted) Saltine cracker.
Anyways it was very bad, and I knew it.
And not in the self-pity way… it just clearly wasn’t my thing. I have an interview podcast which felt pretty natural from Day 1, but for some reason when I’m talking to the camera I couldn’t relax.
I knew it would be very bad for a while until I improved.
Now…. I believed I could get good at it if I just put in the time and the effort. But “being good on camera” was never something I wanted to get good at.
I just wanted to be myself and share (what I hoped) was the truth.
I turned to Preston (🫡 )and I said:
“This was a failure, I must go home now.”
A man of my word, I went home and I told my wife what happened, to which she replied:
“yeah I could’ve told you that you would’ve hated filming a YouTube video.”
She was right. She’s always right. And I mean that sincerely.
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After the sharp sting of a failure wore off, I re-examined how I could promote Mad Records in a way that aligned my interest in business with my passion for music (my original goal with the YouTube video.)
And that night, I started this Substack.
I talked about the UMG / TikTok dispute, and it felt really natural. I was able to write freely, make edits, take breaks, and strive for the truth. I even got to hang out with my sweet 12-year old Maltese queen, Katie, while I wrote it. What a joy.
(You can check out that post here after you finish this!)
And unlike my crushed YouTube aspirations, my article turned out pretty ok - which was a good enough starting point for me.
SO WHAT’S THE POINT?
If you feel like your “content” isn’t capturing the deep, spiritual truth you’re aspiring for with your music, then you have two options:

1. Give yourself the time to improve. Be patient and expect no results in the meantime. If results happen, then congrats, you’re now good at that thing.
2. Give yourself grace for falling short of your vision, and find a different medium/method that captures it. Nurse your wounds with people who understand what you’re trying to accomplish.

There is always a way to share your creative vision in a way that aligns with your values.
You just have to build up a pain tolerance for failing publicly.
However, for the love of all things holy, please subscribe to this SubStack…. I can’t fail again I have plans this weekend.)
Long Live Mad Records ⚔️

• mike