Nausea bloating

Been having upset stomach, bloating, nausea, and bloating.
Now, I had a small amount of blood in my poop and I am fully convinced I have cancer.🔥

Looking for advice on how to advocate for myself better or tests or referrals to ask for.
Me:
Almost 30 years old, female. Married, no children, full time self employed business ownehairstylist. Of English and Mediterranean descent. No significant history of alcohol use, no Marijuana use. Have not drank since 2020. No significant nicotene use, but smoked 1 to 3 cigarettes per day until 2021, switched to vaping the lowest concentration, quit nicotene in 2023. Generally healthy and balanced diet. 5'5", currently about 145lbs. 105/65 is normal resting BP, heart is high 50s to low 60s. No significant personal medical history aside from benign ovarian tumor resulting in emergency surgery due to torsion in 2017. Have had pelvic ultrasound within last 6 months, no findings. Normal abdominal CT. Have had two colonoscopies and an endoscopy due to GI issues, detailed below. PFT suggested mild asthma. GI Scopes found mild cell changes in lower esophagus, rectum, and chronic gastritis in stomach. Had MRI of brain which showed two small white matter hyperintensities. Normal echocardiogram, cardiac stress test showed elevated ejection fraction which may have been due to dehydration. Normal cardiac event monitor. I have some degenerative disc disease in my cervical and thoracic spine.
Blood panels usually show: - low- to low end of normal hemoglobin, potassium, sodium. - high end of normal levels of CO2 -high but not alarmingly high wbc (very high neutrophils but low lymphocytes) -thyroid (free t3 and t4) levels tend to swing from the 1.0's to almost 3.0 -estradiol low end of normal Have a normal ESR blood test, have not been given an ANA.
Symptoms include:
Sudden, crushing fatigue (have almost fallen asleep while standing and walking) Heart palpitations (both fast and slow, pounding ones) Sudden feelings of impending doom/death/panic Sudden lightheadedness and nausea Sudden bloating and diarrhea 5+ times a day Cystic acne, currently controlled with tretinoin (.025%) Migraines with aura, with or without headache (visual and sound distortions, cannot look at certain patterns (especially small stripes) or hear certain noises without feeling "out of sorts" Vertigo (feels like I'm falling or about to fall over) Extreme acid reflux that is never fully controlled even with Pantoprazole (burning is gone, regurgitation still a thing) Unexplainable weight fluctuations of up to 25 pounds within a couple months, both gain and loss. Random episodes of shortness of breath, rescue inhaler works typically. Sharp, stabbing pains and dull aches in rib cage, back, neck, and chest Sudden aching pains in arms and legs or skin will feel like patches of it are burning for a few minutes Unable to vigorously exercise or I will have what feels like an adrenaline dump and have a panic attack. Usually walking up to 3mph is fine but sometimes it isn't. Hypermobile joints which have resulted in many partial and full knee, shoulder, and finger dislocations, especially in teens and early 20s. I've always been very flexible. I do have TMJ.
***Also worth noting: Throughout 2018 and 2019, I'd have random days here and there where I would spike a fever and be in bed all day with flu like symptoms, if I went to the doctor my WBC count would be quite high, but either the next day or by the end of the day I'd be fine. This went on for about a year and a half. Then in late 2020, I got COVID and everything started or severely intensified about 6 months later. Continued to worsen until early 2022, then again in early 2023 after a series of very stressful events, and has stayed the same since. Most symptoms have been with me since childhood and intensified over the last few years to the point that some days I feel like I can barely function.
Family history of:
Mitral valve defects (both sides) DVT Heart attack Unstable angina Atrial fibrillation Renal failure Heart failure Type 2 diabetes Hypertension High cholesterol Colon cancer Hypothyroidism and Hyperthyroidism Reproductive cancers in men and women Anxiety Depression Bipolar disorder Substance use disorder Fibromyalgia Chronic fatigue syndrome Ulcerative colitis GERD PMDD

I don’t even know how to describe what’s wrong honestly. I just don’t feel quite right and am concerned is maybe the best way I can think to describe it bc I’m not really in pain but I have a certain degree of discomfort and my abdomen can feel mild pain sometimes particularly when laying on my side or bending over and occasionally I do get a bit of pain. I guess 1 of the best ways to describe it might be that I have tenderness and a bloated feeling in my abdomen, or a feeling of pressure. I think I’ve generally felt this way for several weeks with significant fatigue but I think it’s gotten more substantial recently especially today to the point where today I’m now urinating like every half hour or more frequently. I’m a bit concerned about kidney failure now or something related to my kidneys. Earlier today at the advice of my friend I was concerned about Type 1 Diabetes so I went to an urgent care facility and when they asked me what’s wrong I didn’t know what to say and said I might be interested in doing a diabetes screening and described the symptoms of frequent urination and tenderness in the abdomen. They told me that I needed a doctors order in order to run lab tests (that they can’t just test without me seeing a doctor 1st and a doctor ordering it which Idrg bc don’t they have doctors at that facility that can order them 🤷‍♂️) so I went home and scheduled a doctors appointment for Friday. I won’t get into it much here but that seems silly to me that I can’t just decide to have lab tests done to see what might be going on with me. Idk how urgent this might be and the thought of waiting more days for something that could have been done today is a bit frustrating and scary to me but I guess that’s my fault for not keeping up with my regular physicals and bloodwork and for waiting to see a doctor for so long after having the notion months ago that something feels a little off.
Uhm so, idk what to expect tbh. I’m worried about everything from Kidney problems to a urinary tract infection to a bacterial infection to pre diabetes or something (although I guess it’s probably not that but I wouldn’t really know). There’s no history of diabetes in my family afaik. Uhm I don’t eat a lot of sugar.
1 strange theory I have that I want to mention is that I’m concerned it could have to do with Grapefruit juice. I drink about at least 12 oz. of Florida’s natural Ruby Red Grapefruit juice everyday and have for years. I’m particularly concerned about the grapefruit juice after reading this:
https://ibb.co/7gD8DwK https://ibb.co/KGNBsYG https://ibb.co/gmpPKvF https://ibb.co/b1rxCBC
“Grapefruit juice can cause kidney failure in some people due to its high potassium content People with kidney infections should be cautious because their kidneys may not be able to filter out excess potassium, which can be life-threatening.”
“Grapefruit can also cause kidney toxicity, also known as nephrotoxicity, which can lead to kidney failure and damage. Other side effects of grapefruit juice on the kidneys include: • Muscle breakdown: When grapefruit is used with certain statins, it can cause abnormal and potentially serious muscle breakdown. The FDA reports that this risk can lead to kidney failure. • Liver damage: The FDA reports that this risk can lead to kidney failure. • Neurological side effects: The Mayo Clinic reports that these include confusion and memory lOss. However, grapefruit also contains a flavonoid called naringenin, which regulates a protein that decreases growths related to kidney cysts. A 2014 study by scientists at Royal Holloway, University of London, found that naringenin can prevent kidney cysts from forming.”
Uhm just laying down writing this now I think just realized I may be able to feel slight pain or pressure or bloating in my back which I read earlier today is sign of a kidney problem.
Idk what to do and am just a little scared and concerned I guess about waiting.
Medications I take include methadone daily at 29 mgs in the mornings.
I intake nicotine pretty heavily through a vaporizer.
What other information should I include uhm, I’m a 5’7” male, 28 years old, I weigh about 135 - 140 lbs, probably on the lower end rn but idrk.
Yeah idk my abdomen just feels weird in a way I’ve never experienced before and like tense and like pressure and I feel like I don’t want to bend over or twist it.
I think I might have a tonsil stone (Bc of a large white growth in my throat most visible when I shine a flashlight in my mouth down my throat) and possibly a skin / staph infection on another part of the body but that’s probably an unrelated issue. I only say that bc I have a boil looking skin bump on my rear. And that I’ve heard those can be staph infections. And I suppose I’m worried about that having possibly spread.
Sorry for being so thorough with possibly unrelated stuff. I just want to include as much information as possible bc idk what might be important in ways I don’t understand.
Uhm if I think of anything else I’ll post it in the comments. But yeah I just don’t feel great man, like I felt a bit nauseated and a bit ill this morning for a short while. I’ve felt extremely fatigued for weeks now sleeping an extremely excessive amount and rn walking around writing this I just feel a tension in my abdomen and sides and just torso / lower torso? Idk just torso in general. I really just don’t know how to describe it. Even my heart and arms sometimes kind of ache a bit recently. Idk even legs or limbs occasionally feel an ache that idk could just be anything. Maybe I’m getting a bit hypochondriac.
I don’t know what to think.
Thanks a lot for any time. I’m sorry I wrote so much. Nobody likes a kiss ass but I’ll say it anyway, I have great respect for the profession of healthcare provider. Like in a bit of a religious sense I think that kind of helping people in some of their worst moments and most needy and weak moments is admirable in a way almost nothing else is.
Think I might go back to a facility and try to see someone 1 more time or at least talk to them a bit more and explain better bc my family is encouraging me to. I don’t want to bother them unnecessarily though especially if I caused this and it’s some strange obscure phenomenon. Idk that’s all.

I used to suffer with heavy periods and a LOT of pain. i’ve always had gastrointestinal distress , bloating , nausea , etc etc. however after struggling with an anorexia relapse two and a half years ago i lost my period, and it’s not come back since despite my efforts to try and eat enough. Since eating more though, I notice my gut goes back to being disruptive , I have developed chronic fatigue , joint pain , and a positive ANA too
The doctors think it’s Long Covid, but my sister has recently been diagnosed with PCOS and endo due to having a lap done. Is there a chance I have endo too? It’s so hard to tell because I haven’t had a period for 2 and a half years, but i remember struggling a lot with the period pain.

i was diagnosed with PMDD last year, but i am questioning that diagnosis because of what i’ve seen on this subreddit. most people talk about mood, but i barely have mood symptoms at all. should i be questioning my diagnosis?
i have these symptoms during the last days of my ovulation + the time before my period:

• i cry (when i say cry, i mean i weep) fairly easily. when i cry, it comes on suddenly + lasts for a little bit before immediately stopping. this can happen around a couple times a day, but there can be days where i do not cry. my crying fits do have a cause, from unresolved grief all the way to seeing a 30 second sad bird video
• i have horrific nausea, can barely eat. i rarely vomit, but it is extremely painful nevertheless
• i have cluster headaches that last a couple hours each time, it concentrates behind one eye
• i have very mild cramping + very mild breast tenderness + very mild bloating; it is not always there each month
• i used to have horrible vertigo, i mean i-can’t-stand-up vertigo. but it has not reappeared in recent months

i do have another psychiatric condition but this is not worsened during this time (so i don’t think it might be PME). my previous primary care provider said that i have PMDD. i told my current primary care provider that i am questioning the diagnosis, + she said we can try other avenues to see if my symptoms improve + possibly refer me to a specialist. my therapist disagrees with me having PMDD. my psychiatrist is skeptical but not to the point where she would outright contradict any of my providers’ input.
i was put on birth control last year + it helped tremendously until recent months where my symptoms are coming back. i really do need this nausea to stop, that’s my primary concern.
what could all of this be?

I'm not sure if I need a colonoscopy or if the doctor is trying to get extra money.
Most of colonoscopy reasons don't apply to me. I'm 19, tested negative for IBD (low calprotectin), and my symptoms aren't severe. My main symptoms are constant bloating(and discomfort/pain), shortness of breath, fatigue, and weight loss. So I have no nausea/vomiting or bowel changes.
What do you think?

I know this is common sense to most, but I wanted to share. I’ve been dealing with the worst nausea, upper abdominal pressure, burning, throat discomfort, random pains, etc for a month straight. Just nonstop torture, I could barely get out of bed some days. I knew vaping wasn’t helping at all but I guess I just didn’t want to admit to myself that it was a huge trigger. But I had too many days where I’d finally be able to get the nausea the subside, hit my vape then go right back down hill. Last week I woke up so sick, I hadn’t really eaten in a few days just surviving off crackers to rid of the hunger pangs, the nausea was just too intense to eat. But the nicotine cravings were still very much there. So I sat there in bed, hitting my vape just feeling worse with each hit. I looked at my husband, handed him my vape and said “just throw this away at work please.” And he did. (I wouldn’t put it passed myself to dig through the trash at home lol). It’s now been 5 days since I’ve hit my vape and it’s been the best 5 days I’ve had in the last month. Sure, it didn’t cure my gastritis. I still have mild nausea, burning, bloating etc. but it’s very manageable now. Went from a misery rating of a 10 to a 2. I won’t lie and pretend like I’m perfect , I’ve been hitting my husband’s cigarettes here and there to satisfy the nicotine cravings. I smoked cigarettes for 7 years, followed by vaping for the last 5 years. So it wasn’t like I was perfectly able to just stop the nicotine overnight. I’m not proud of still hitting a few cigarettes but with the vape it’s always accessible, always in my hands. Hitting it whenever I please. If I want a cigarette I have to actually go outside and stop whatever I’m doing so it’s brought down the nicotine consumption by a ton. I’m of course going to continue to try and completely cut out the nicotine but I’m happy with where I’m at for now, I can actually eat again! I was even able to eat a small quesadilla from Taco Bell a few days ago (not without penalty but without vomiting lol)

This month I took my pill continuously. I skipped last months placebo’s and and tonight will be my fourth pill of the new pack. I have taken the last few nights’ pills at the same time every night. Right after lunch today, I got extremely nauseous and headed to the bathroom. I sat there for a while and noticed I had started spotting, pale reddish-brown blood. It has been a few hours since and I’m still spotting, and some even filled a potion of a panty liner I put on. Yesterday I thought I saw some light blood when I wiped but it never came back that whole day. What the heck is happening?! Is this because my body is confused and wants to have a period? I also feel/look really bloated right now - which I didn’t this morning. I don’t know if it was something I ate that caused the nausea (food allergy) but I just thought the spotting at the same time was weird. I’m just freaking out since I’ve noticed breast changes too recently but this is my fourth month on a new pill so it could be from that. I’ve also never taken a pill continuous before. Does anyone have any advice???

I'm not sure if I need a colonoscopy or if the doctor is trying to get extra money.
Most of colonoscopy reasons don't apply to me. I'm 19, tested negative for IBD (low calprotectin), and my symptoms aren't severe. My main symptoms are constant bloating(and discomfort/pain), shortness of breath, fatigue, and weight loss. So no nausea/vomiting or bowel changes.
What do you think?

I have been suffering with gut inflammation for more than a decade now. Symptoms: - pain (plus gas/bloating) left most left most side of my left rib just after eating. Pain with bloating keep moving down in same direction with time - no dairy not even lactose free - can’t digest veggies and fruits even low FODMAP - fatigue - brain fog - nausea - diarrhoea - gastritis - extreme hunger craving but can’t eat
Now i have been on strict carnivore diet. Meat only for 1 month now. My bowl movements are fine and i am worried of constipation instead of diarrhoea lol i am fine with it. I was unable to digest fat in start but now after one month i can digest tallow easily in lower amount.
The only issue is i was already weak and don’t know how much deficiencies i had with all these years of diarrhoea and eating nothing. Now after one month of meat only, i am feeling too much: - fatigue - brain fog - feeling heartbeat - immense weakness - more weight reduced than ibs - if i eat beef then my body gets very dry as a whole - when i drink water it gets me full and unable to have next meal even i am hungry
Can anyone help me out in getting energy without disturbing my IBS more? Thanks in advance

I literally just found out I was pregnant 5 days ago. It has been 8 weeks from my last period. I put on massive 10 lbs in the last two month but all my tests from weeks ago came back negative. This is my first pregnancy and I'm turning 39 yrs old next week. I also just finished having surgery 12 weeks ago from an ostomy to a jpouch (meaning I had my colon removed). I have had 12 surgeries in 6 years. I am having so many symptoms now it's crazy. I went from nothing to tons of gas, bloating, insomnia, hunger, nausea, period type cramping, joint pain, itchy legs at night, mood swings, forgetfulness, feeling hot and cold at random, extreme thirst etc. I went from 0 to 100 in 5 days. My first scan and ob appointment is tomorrow. Is it normal to get symptoms that fast?? I'm a little worried cause I haven't been taking vitamins until I found out.

Hi there, I am a 27 year old female and believe I may have symptoms of OC: - inconsistent period (months without) - random / frequent spotting - heavy bleeding when I have my period - fatigue - frequent urination (feeling like I may urinate in my pants) - change in discharge - pelvic pain (cramping without period) - pain between shoulder blades - bloating / nausea / diarrhea (doctors say this is from GERD - which I take medication for and has not helped)
My grandmother had OC in her 30s which has scared me a bit so I have raised these symptoms with my doctor and she has referred me for a pelvic ultrasound, is there anything else I can do / ask for to rule out OC/cysts? Thank you in advance!

ik this might sound stupid. but i engaged in non-PIV sex on 26/4, day 8 of my cycle we were fully clothed, but some cum landed on my trousers near my upper thigh. i’m a severely anxious person, and so i took a plan B to be safe. my period is now delayed by 5 days, and i’m having mild cramps, nausea, stomach discomfort and bloating and burning sensation in my throat. i tested on 19/05, 22 days after and it was negative
could someone explain these symptoms. ik there’s not really any way i could be pregnant but does the pill affect you so much to the point that you can have symptoms like this, even 3-4 weeks after?

So I’ve had nexplanon for almost 2 and a half. I’ve had a few symptoms that mimic pregnancy and tested and never been pregnant but now I’m having multiple. Me and my partner have unprotected sex and he finished in me, we have sex almost every day and we’ve been together for almost 2 years. I want a baby but at the same time I don’t know if I should spend my money on a test but do need to at the same time because if I keep the implant in then it could hurt the baby.
My symptoms include: Back aches Headaches (never ever do I have headaches) Nausea/vomiting Urinating more than usual Constipation Mood swings more than usually have Swollen and tender breasts Extreme bloating Strong sense of smell Tiredness Heart burn Congestion Etc
And about periods…I take hormone pills with my nexplanon so I don’t bleed all the time so I’m not sure about that one. HELP

I am 6 weeks, 2 days. So far I’ve had:
-a bit of fatigue/lack of motivation
-bloating
-my boobs feel huge and my nipples kind of hurt sometimes lol
-cramping (it is light now but it was worse in weeks 4-5 combined with bad gas pains)
Anyone have no symptoms? I’ve had no nausea so far but I know that’s a common one

no doctor has given me answers and they keep dismissing me
background: (21F) i have a history of bulimia and am very aware that i probably messed up my GI tract, but doctors have said that’s likely not the cause
symptoms: - extreme bloating/distension for days and i can’t eat - severe nausea a lot of the time - no energy (probably from not eating) - extremely early satiety (i feel full for days, even after not eating) - lost 20 lbs in a month which i cannot afford as a 5’1 F
EDIT: I am getting a colonoscopy/endoscopy in august, but am scared they won’t find anything. Just looking for any ideas or suggestions!

Ongoing burping and nausea
22F, 5’5, 130 lbs I’ve had GI issues since I was little (mainly gastritis that eventually cleared on its own in about two years), and since then I’d get mild discomfort and pain from time to time, which I thought it was just reflux and that would get better after taking Gavsicon.
The thing is - I guess it was triggered by a lot of stress in a short period of time, but one night a year and a half ago, after feeling the same pain and discomfort and after taking Gaviscon - the discomfort transformed into bloating and eventually belching.
After that night, for a few months, this belching would recur only once in a while, and it would only be annoying little burps after meals. Then, after every time I had to go on a trip (for which I guess I unnecessarily stressed myself again), these episodes would get worse and worse. I was diagnosed with IBS and given probiotics initially, which seemed to improve my burping (tho it didn’t go away).
But for three months now, it’s been a lot worse - I’d wake up feeling bloated and needing to burp (mainly smaller, unproductive burps), which would make me really nauseous and feeling like I need to vomit, but nothing would come out except for air; needing to burp profusely after every meal or drink (at first I tried following the FODMAP diet, reducing stuff like gluten and dairy and legumes, which helped a bit but not anymore), now I even struggle falling and staying asleep because of the pressure and nausea. My anxiety has skyrocketed, which I know only makes things worse, but I can’t seem to calm down because I constantly feel ill.
I don’t know how correlated it is to IBS itself, because only recently I started feeling pain in the abdomen (and I think it’s mostly related to gas), and even though I’ve noticed some changes in stool, again it is recent and BMs don’t seem to improve or worsen the other symptoms. I’ve also had a few episodes of hypersalivating and feeling a lump in my throat, but it’s not constant. I’ve been on PPIs for a month but didn’t feel any better.
It’s worth mentioning that I tested for celiac, H pylori, both negative.
Is it really just IBS, is it my anxiety? At this point I’m so desperate for an answer, because these symptoms have taken over my life, and I can’t even function properly 😭 Any insight would be appreciated, thank you.

In 2012 I suddenly out of nowhere started having severe gallbladder attacks (I didn’t know what they were though, I was a young adult and never had the pain before) to the point I couldn’t eat or stand straight. Then my eyes turned yellow and my urine was bright yellow, stools were white clay colour. The pain was so much that I got taken to hospital and they ran tests and admitted me because I was apparently severely dehydrated (despite drinking enough and eating enough) and my liver was on the verge of failing (their words). I was in hospital for a week. They did an ultrasound on day 4 (they waited this long because apparently they didn’t suspect gallbladder issues due to my age - they were testing me for hepatitis and aids instead.. obviously came back negative). The ultrasound showed nothing, so they said that they suspect gallstones but assume I’ve passed them now.
Left hospital.. stools were yellow off and on for months. Pain was intermittent for months. I’d have mini attacks. Had an ultrasound 4 months after the event and it shows some stones.
Issues seemed to go away.
Through the years since 2012 I’ve had the occasional ‘gallbladder liver’ ‘ache’ sensation in the correct region. Usually after I’d eaten things high in omegas or very oily fatty things. But it was once in a blue moon that it would happen, and I’d take apple cider vinegar and it would resolve the ache very quickly. So it wasn’t really a ‘bother’.
Recently however I’ve been having intermittent and random digestive issues.. my gut will start bubbling and feel weird and then I’ll go to the bathroom and my bowel movement will be super loose or diarrhoea, usually bright yellow. I’ve not noticed anything that actually triggers this, it just happens. The rest of the time my bowel movements are totally normal.
For about 1-2 years now, the upper section of my stomach has been distended/bloated/tight feeling. Sometimes I have to stand up because when I sit down I feel slightly breathless. Not sure if this is linked but I thought I would mention it.
Every time they’ve done blood work it shows my liver enzymes are normal.
I’m in the UK. What do you suggest I do?
I don’t drink, smoke, take any substances, etc. so I’m not sure why it’s happening to me?
Other symptoms are: Acne especially on my shoulders and back, often on my chin too. Adrenaline rushes for no reason. Tachycardia. Random nausea. Sometimes lots of belching or gas for no obvious reason but some food must have triggered it. Can’t eat mayo without feeling crap afterwards and my digestion being weird.
To add - I don’t feel any pain or discomfort at all when I get these digestive issues and stool issues..

My RE has never tested my progesterone and I'm starting to wonder if that might be the problem. All testing for myself and my husband is normal (although my AMH is 0.62 at 35) and they currently have us diagnosed as unexplained. We have been trying for over 2 years at this point with one chemical in 2022. Is it normal to not have it tested? I feel like most other people have. I've done 3 IUIs at this post medicated with Letrozole (5 mg) and a trigger shot. Currently 11 dpiui and I can tell IUI #3 has failed. I had spotting 7/8 dpiui and have felt my period coming since yesterday. For all cycles I've been able to tell as early as 6 dpo that I'm out. I know the symptoms of progesterone make early pregnancy and period symptoms basically the same, but there is a nasty nausea/bloat feeling that I get between 6-8 dpo that 100% means my period is coming.

Details: 20F, no diagnoses or medications currently taken. I’m Asian & I weigh about 122 lbs (not sure if this needs to be included). I’m also vegetarian.
I have been having some terrible GI issues for the last couple of years. I have extreme nausea on a regular basis, and this nausea often leads to dry heaving which is extremely uncomfortable. These “episodes” come and go and usually last for a couple of weeks.
No matter what I eat, I have extreme bloating and issues with my bowel movements. It’s extremely painful and also uncomfortable. Either I’m having multiple bowel movements a day (and these are rather loose and unhealthy) or none at all for multiple days at a time. My stomach is in constant pain.
What could this be? I’ve tried cutting out foods, eating smaller meals, avoiding dairy, and nothing seems to be helping.
One thing I forgot to add: this issue seems to be worse around the times I’m stressed out.

I’m 8w3d and this is my first baby. I really struggled with worrying at first so I got an early scan at 5w6d and everything looked good which really put my mind at ease until now. I just don’t feel pregnant anymore? I had really bad fatigue, bloating and slight nausea but all that seems to have gone now and I’m just needing to pee a lot. Is this normal? I haven’t had any bleeding but I’m starting to worry a lot again.

6 months ago, the worst thing happened.
I'd been referred to the hospital for a general asthma check up. The nurse called me through for the preliminary height, weight and blood pressure checks, and as I stood on the scale, I watched the little wheel spin all the way round and hit the end. "oh," said the nurse, getting a little flushed. "there must be something wrong with these scales." I nodded in agreement, knowing full well there was nothing wrong with the scales, the problem, was very definitely me. "let me see if I can find something else." she said, as she bolted through the door.
The thing is, I've been huge since Year 7 at school, I started out really skinny, but at some point, it's like my metabolism just died. I got a little chunky, upgraded to paunchy, progressed through flabby and somehow arrived at a place where a nurse is dragging in some weird kind of bariatric chair scale. I sat in the chair, focused more on trying to not let the emotions I was feeling show on my face than I was anything else.
The result announced the nurse - "163kg - you don't look that big..."
163kg, which is over 25 1/2 stone, or just shy of 360lbs - a weight I'd only previously heard announced by the ring announcers at a wrestling show. (incidentally, a weight that was more often than not exaggerated for effect...)
Now I was kind of aware that I was huge - I just did everything in my power to avoid thinking about it. I avoided mirrors, bought baggy clothes online, casually selecting the most X's available, I'd get the bus, rather than risk squeezing myself onto the tube - even though it'd take an extra hour to reach my destination. Regardless of what I did however, the truth was there in front of me, sadly the world is far too full of mirrors and other reflective surfaces, the number of online retailers that could supply my need for multiple X's dwindled to one, and far too often i've sat skewed into an uncomfortable position to prevent myself encroaching onto the person who bravely sat next to me on the bus.
Every year (weirdly around this time) I'd get a lighting bolt of motivation, I'd join a gym, I'd sign up for some miserable food replacement shake plan, buy a diet book, count some calories and for a few months things seem positive. Then out of nowhere the motivation just dies, I go from weekly weigh-ins to fortnightly, the three times a week gym trips are skipped (only if its raining, or too sunny or maybe I didn't sleep well last night, I'll go tomorrow, I'll push myself a little more, unless its still raining...)
Whatever calorie counting app I'd settled on this time, that initially was full of hourly updates, now has more holes than the groins of my jeans. I hate myself for feeling this way, for failing again. I hate that my brain can navigate diet rules and find loopholes like a top barrister or tax accountant. I hate that I can't control myself, that I'm weak and pathetic and can somehow always find a way to sabotage my efforts and end up in a worse place eating my way up the BMI scale yet again.
So here we are, spurred on by a bariatric weighing experience, and looking for the lastest answer.
But I'm nervous. Sure the side effects don't sound great, the nausea, bloating, diarrhea. I can barely afford the treatment, the talk of not knowing the long term effects, the increased risk of cancer... non of that sounds great.
What I'm actually scared of though, is that despite the 'wonder drug' label, this is just something else that I'm going to fail with, another thing my broken brain will manage to bypass, shuffle around and sabotage. It really actually terrifies me, the thought that maybe I can't be helped.
Edit: First dose taken, trying to remain positive and I'm so appreciative of everyone who has commented, this is such a supportive group. I wish you all, all of the success. Lets do this.