If i told you i didn t loved you poem

My English is not good. Sorry in advance for the mistakes. Please read this. This is a very long explanation. If you’ve been through homelessness please respond to this or send a private message.
I’m sponsoring a guy in here. He’s 2 years younger than me. He was kicked out from his home because he’s gay.( he’s an Australia) I’m not sponsoring him per se, he was homeless and I met him last year near frontyard youth service. So I talked with him for a bit and he told his lifestory. I felt bad for him and I asked him to move in with him until he settle himself. He was an extremely messy person but I didn’t say anything to him because he has been through a lot. And also when he moved in he only carried like a small bag of cloths and a water bottle. I felt really sorry for him. Most of the organizations in Melbourne didn’t help him at all. Some days he comes home crying because some organization(I’m not telling the name of the organization because that might lead this to his name) told him to go back home and beg his parents to take him back home. So after few months I told him to stop going to those places. And started to help him financially like sending him to counciling and doctors. Then I suggested him to start studying and then after some time he agreed and started to do a diploma of engineering in a university in Melbourne so he can start studying engineering. It’s really expensive( I thought Australia student doesn’t have to pay a lot of money to study in here). I paid for all of the stuff because the other option is to take out a loan. (I don’t believe lone is a good idea for anyone). It’s been over a year now. He’s doing great at studying I mean really great I’m also an engineering student some times he’s teaching me now. He stared bachelors(robotics) this February it’s insanely expensive to pay my uni fees and his at the same time but I’m managing this somehow with my parents help. He’s doing great in his bachelors as well he’s getting full marks on everything I’m happy for him. But now I’m not living with him he’s staying in student residence in the university.
Recently he’s stared to go out clubbing and stuff. And wasting a lot of money on that. Idk is it normal or not. Maybe he’s enjoying it, but I’m not an extremely rich person in Australia. In my home country yeah I can pay for everything but in here because of the money conversion rate and everything it’s very hard to keep up with this new expenses. But the main issue is recently he’s been very distant and getting angry very easily and idk. He’s very aggressive towards the guy I’m dating now idk why. Yeah my boyfriend is like 20 something older than me so he’s not very tolerant like me. Idk which side I should take. I really like to help him at the same time I really like my boyfriend we started dating like 3 months ago. He’s the first person to take me on a date and idk how to explain the feeling. I want them to stop being aggressive towards each other.
Which side should I take??????? This is not a rage bait or any story or anything I really need advise. Because my parents are also helping me to pay his uni fees and the DON’T like CLIBBING IN ANY CASE. Please I need adives!!!!!

Last month I posted about how this group changed my life. Today as I sit one more month sober. I wanted to share my story. Especially to all the mothers out there who may be struggling:
I was always the fun drunk.
Looking back now it was actually detrimental to me because I was such a shy kid naturally. Alcohol made me confident. I was finally able to talk to the boys. They liked me when I drank. I loved the attention I never got. It was all good when I was young.
As I got older and moved to the big city alone with my two little children. And their dad leaving. It became some of the loneliest years of my life. I started drinking at night to just relax. Forget all my problems with their dad and past relationships. It worked for many years. I was pretty responsible. I didn’t drive drunk. I wasn’t mean.
I had mean drunks in my life as a child. I knew what a drunk was. I saw it growing up. I wasn’t her.
Well that’s what I would tell myself.
I drank to get drunk. When I drank I did not want to stop and sometimes did not until 4 am. I can handle my liquor well and was very functioning. I wouldn’t drink during the day.. cause that’s what alcoholics do. I told myself.
I would wake up hungover saying “ugh I’m never drinking again!”
I meant it. I know my health took a toll.
Then the hangovers would wear off then there I was again. At the gas station at 8 pm.
I prayed so many times. God please let me give this up. The habit though was so strong. I couldn’t seem to fight it. For years.The never ending cycle.
I got to where though.. I started honestly to despise it. I hated the hold it had on me. I even hated the taste. I really think it’s something bigger than me. Something.. someone in my head said, it’s time.
I had gotten a pint of whiskey. It was the weekend. I could drink it all. Don’t have to wake up early. No problem.
I took one sip of my mixed coke zero & whiskey. Took the bottle and poured it down the kitchen drain. In that moment I knew for certain I was done.
It was a little challenging at first. Honestly though it wasn’t that hard. What was hard is facing the issues head on and sober.
I’m facing things for the first time in a very long time completely sober minded. It’s kinda like I am getting to feel so many emotions all at once. It’s a lot at times. I told my child last week to give me some grace. It will take time to come into my own completely but I am getting there little by little everyday.
I feel so much smarter now. I know that sounds so silly. I do though. I feel so sorry for that girl. I don’t even who know that person was. However, I am very aware it was me. I think that is what hurts the most.
A lot of regret and time wasted. I can’t focus on that though. I gotta focus on the good. Damn.. there is SO much good! It’s just so nice to finally feel good and feel like me.
I missed her for so long.
But at least I found her.
I wanted to share that story because I know there is so many mom's out there struggling. I see it on here and it breaks my heart cause for so long I was that girl.
My son said other day, "Mom you sure don't sleep as much as you use to."
That really hit home. All the wasted time I missed on I'm sure cause I was to hungover to play. Now they are older teens now and don't want to play, so it stings even more.
I've always prided myself on being a good mother. But now looking back I can admit I am sure I did hurt them in some way.
Pouring down that whiskey was the best thing I did for me and my kids. It will continue to always be the best gift.
To all the moms & dads: Please know that.
I see it all clearly now and I will NOT go back. Fuck that shit. None of it was ever worth it. There is absolutely nothing I miss about drinking. Not one damn thing. Funny huh since I did it for so many years.
Anyways that's my story and I'm sticking to it. 😆 I wish everyone continued happiness and sobriety. Thanks my awesome sober friends! IWNDWYT 😎

My boyfriend (now ex) embarrassed me for watching porn. How do i get over this shame?
My boyfriend who is an ex now, was using my gmail password for 2 years and he was watching my browser history, youtube, maps , contacts, messages everything and i was not aware of it. He would follow me to locations if i went out with my friends even when i would inform him about it. Follow me behind the bus after we fought and everywhere he did and everytime he gave reason that i come to know because i know your schedule and mood so well. I believed as i was in love. after 2 years we had a fight and i was very frustrated and i decided to breakup , though i considered it as a break and giving it sometime to breath. After breaking up i moved to new place far from my previous place. During that time we again had a pathetic argument in which he could me fake, useless, and said u dont even get periods who is going to marry u, you are not good at your work, you are simply a showoff and can't achieve anything. Even i said a lot but it was all abt the jealousy he was trying to create in me with a girl he was triangulating me with, n in that conversation i kept saying why are u not giving explanation of your chats and your frequent mettings with her n he moked me over my skin complexion n it was so much to take..i got panick attack. I got diagnosed with depression then thyroid and high blood pressure . I was continuously visiting hospitals. During that time i got into watching porn. Mainly bcz i thought i doesnt miss me and that i am not enough, was i not good in pleasing him in bed? i had never watched porn , i was a very studious person, tradition believes, i always talked about ramayan mahabharat. I would talk abt family values, morality and stuff. I always feared that if i resist him from getting physical he will go to that girl and feel less attracted to me. So i would do what he said , he would instruct me in bed n he knew i dont knw abt porn. In college times he used to watch lot of porn and also had a hard disk full of it. Though i never watched but before getting in relationship just to look cool i used i have watched. I believed its not religious thats why when we were friends i suggested him to not watch. But when we got into relationship i was comfortable with him. After separation i missed him and most important i wanted to see what n all os actually sex bcz he talked abt foreplay, oral n all n i had no idea abt it. So i began watching it and i did not find it illegal bcz we had done it in relationship and now i was just watching it n that also not in incognito mode bcz i thought who is going to watch my browser history. But he was using my password amd watching my activities more frequently after breakup. I was suffering from depression a lot and i wanted to reconcile so i approached him informing abt my diagonsis, i cried but he was standing still, i held his leg and said plz help me, i am very confused whats happening bcz i did not knw that he was intensionally triangulating with the other girl and i asked to clarify or not contact her he would blame me, n called me jealous. He said looking at ne i dont feel anything and that statement shocked me. I got more depressed. I had become so weak that i couldn't travel so i took unpayed leave from my work. I still watched porn(foreplay only bcz we did that in relationship). After a month i caught him following me and i informed his brother, he confessed that he was using my password but in a way that he was ashamed seeing me watch porn, he blamed me that he can no longer see me become this, n that i have broken his trust, He called me fake , he said he cant watch my addiction and it shames him. N to stop me going on that path he has to make a confession. He portrayed it in such a way that secretly using password is no big deal but porn watching is making me sick whereas our fights, silent treatment, devaluing, constant following , gaslighting, confusion was making me depressed. But i was so embarrassed that i believed him. I still blame myself. He made me feel so disgused about myself. there was lot of argument but he said he doesn't love this version of me and that i am fake who always showed pride abt her morality has stooped so low, he said he doesnt want me. I kept explaining him. He said that wjen i first informed him abt depression the reason he said that i dont feel anything was bcz he knew i was watching porn and a person watching porn basically is having fun and that i was acting to gain attention and instead make him culprit without knowing that he was watching me.I still feel so embarrassed that he must have talked abt me to so many. I blame myself for breakup. Its been 3 years i am mot able to forgive myself. My shame is invalidating my suffering and depression. Initially i told him to stop watching porn and then o myself was watching it. My mind keeps telling that hadnt i watched porn he wouldn't have argued and called me fake, its obvious that he must have got angry and raged and out of rage he wouldn't have called me fake. I broke his trust. How do i get over this shame?

So I don’t really have a point to this… I’ve experienced sleep paralysis since about 6-7 years ago. It became a real issue probably 3 years ago. It was happening to me five nights out of the week. I dreaded going to sleep because I knew it was going to happen. And of course when you get scared, you start to freak out. This went on for a year and a half, despite me trying to take all the sleeping aids you could think of. I finally just learned to work myself through it. It is still scary when my usual methods don’t work though. That’s when I start freaking out. But for some reason I can move just my feet. My boyfriend will wake me up and pull me up, but I collapse immediately in his arms. It’s like it’s pulling me back in. Anyway, my lucid dreaming started around the same time. But it was never as prevalent. Up until around the last year when my sleep paralysis became a huge problem! I learned this weird thing to do with my eyes and if I just focus enough I’ll leave paralysis and enter lucid dreaming. It still can be scary though because it will happen pretty quick. It might hard to believe, but now I can enter lucid dreaming whenever I want just by doing the weird eye thing. I’m kind of a pro at it now. I’ve had conversations with people in that “realm” (if you can call it that) that has stuck with me. You can make it whatever you want if you think about it hard enough (but not too hard otherwise you will wake up). I absolutely love it but I’ve also had some bad experiences. It makes me wonder about the people I encounter there. Then again, I remind myself that it just your mind. But is it?

It’s roughly about this junk car this giy brought to a body shop to repair.
The car was a mess and you couldn’t tell what car it was, but the guy told the people at the body shop it was a super rare car worth millions if they restored it.
The body shop guy spent months restoring the car and when he was done, he realized it wasn’t the rare car because it didn’t have the serial number stamped on the frame.
The owner of the car knew that and didn’t tell the restorer but because of his hard work, he stamped the frame anyway with the vin and sold the car at auction as the rare car when it wasn’t.
It’s something a long those lines. I might be way off with my explanation

History on 16F is that shes a very very unempathetic person, she says her opinion and shes pretty extroverted, i love her for this. Ill call her bella for the sake of privacy, she's one of my closest friends at school, probably used to be the closest since i moved schools at the start of 2023. I have my best friend back in the state i used to live in but other than that, Bella was the closest. Bella is kind of flirty in the girl way to all her friends, she will ask people random questions, say random things to you, ask to walk around school to skip class and ask to do things with her, which i usually did every day all the time until a couple of weeks ago when she stopped completely. For the first week she started ignoring me completely, i mentioned it to some of our friends, which honestly im not very close to, Bella connects to everyone so it makes it difficult, and they thought that maybe she was in a bad mood. But she acted normal and happy with everyone else, she only acted bored when i was around. I gave her space because i didnt want to over step. after the first week i texted her asking whats up and she said she was "fine", after asking if i upset her and asking if i could help fix the problem i got an explanation. I told one of the guys in our classes that bella bullies him in a playful way, Bella is known to get kind of pissy and definitely not hide her emotions, and this guy is kind of the butt of the joke and gets made fun of a bit by everyone. Bella at the time i thought she was playing around too but then she told me "She considered" it, as well as a recent previous situation i was in where i threw my friend under the bus - in short amy (fake name) was angry at a guy, i didnt like how she was acting and thought it was excessive but didnt tell her, and she found out through the guy that i didnt agree with her. i fucked up so bad in that situation and i asked if amy wanted to talk, she didnt and im okay with that, she deserves to be mad at me i was a dick.- back to original story, Bella said that she doesnt like the way i talk about my friends and that it "frankly, pisses her off" and that im not loyal. I would probably never admit this because im trying to stay on peoples good side, especially right now, but im disappointed that this (us not being friends)isnt nearly affecting her as much as it is affecting me. I love Bella so much and ive never thought badly about her, even when she was ignoring me, i was still defending her. And im pretty sad that all the history we have together and us having no issues ever just changes right now with two shitty situations . i miss her so much.
I apologised for everything, i didnt deny anything she said even though i am loyal to my friends and i love them a lot, i thought the last thing shed want to hear is me denying everything
she replied giving me advice on how to not be a people pleaser and saying she appreciates my apology but also said "just dont do it to the others". the whole paragraphs she sent didnt feel like making up but rather like a parting conversation.
i know this is such petty highschool drama but i love her a lot, i miss her so much and i want to be her friend and i hate her having this horrible impression of me. She doesnt talk to me still, she unadded me on snapchat yesterday which hit like a brick , i feel so cut out of everything and she just completely ignores me. I cant really talk to my friends about this because theyre all mutual friends and much closer to her than i am, and oh my god its eating me up inside i am extremely stressed.
I dont know how to fix this. I want to fix this so bad. I didn't mean anything bad about her or any of my other friends i just don't know how to prove that. And im really afraid that me giving her lots of space is just going to end up in us never talking again. Im becoming lowkey depressed over this its embarassing. Do i say anything? im really hurt but i also feel like i shouldnt be this sad about this because it kind of is my fault?
Also. I have a school camp next week and im trying to figure out if i go or not, every event makes me feel horrible simply because im just cut out of everything or trying to avoid her because i dont want to piss her off.

Hey, so one of my friend has told me to get any watch around 15-20k. I really wanna g3t this seiko 5 sport watches. I loved the look of it.
Can you suggest which one I should buy as my first watch? Black/blue or that coloring gucci type(I am eyeing on this) model?
Also I enquired on ethos, they said some of 25-30k model they can give it for 21k. Is this legit? How to check if not?

My boyfriend (now ex) embarrassed me for watching porn. How do i get over this shame?
My boyfriend who is an ex now, was using my gmail password for 2 years and he was watching my browser history, youtube, maps , contacts, messages everything and i was not aware of it. He would follow me to locations if i went out with my friends even when i would inform him about it. Follow me behind the bus after we fought and everywhere he did and everytime he gave reason that i come to know because i know your schedule and mood so well. I believed as i was in love. after 2 years we had a fight and i was very frustrated and i decided to breakup , though i considered it as a break and giving it sometime to breath. After breaking up i moved to new place far from my previous place. During that time we again had a pathetic argument in which he could me fake, useless, and said u dont even get periods who is going to marry u, you are not good at your work, you are simply a showoff and can't achieve anything. Even i said a lot but it was all abt the jealousy he was trying to create in me with a girl he was triangulating me with, n in that conversation i kept saying why are u not giving explanation of your chats and your frequent mettings with her n he moked me over my skin complexion n it was so much to take..i got panick attack. I got diagnosed with depression then thyroid and high blood pressure . I was continuously visiting hospitals. During that time i got into watching porn. Mainly bcz i thought i doesnt miss me and that i am not enough, was i not good in pleasing him in bed? i had never watched porn , i was a very studious person, tradition believes, i always talked about ramayan mahabharat. I would talk abt family values, morality and stuff. I always feared that if i resist him from getting physical he will go to that girl and feel less attracted to me. So i would do what he said , he would instruct me in bed n he knew i dont knw abt porn. In college times he used to watch lot of porn and also had a hard disk full of it. Though i never watched but before getting in relationship just to look cool i used i have watched. I believed its not religious thats why when we were friends i suggested him to not watch. But when we got into relationship i was comfortable with him. After separation i missed him and most important i wanted to see what n all os actually sex bcz he talked abt foreplay, oral n all n i had no idea abt it. So i began watching it and i did not find it illegal bcz we had done it in relationship and now i was just watching it n that also not in incognito mode bcz i thought who is going to watch my browser history. But he was using my password amd watching my activities more frequently after breakup. I was suffering from depression a lot and i wanted to reconcile so i approached him informing abt my diagonsis, i cried but he was standing still, i held his leg and said plz help me, i am very confused whats happening bcz i did not knw that he was intensionally triangulating with the other girl and i asked to clarify or not contact her he would blame me, n called me jealous. He said looking at ne i dont feel anything and that statement shocked me. I got more depressed. I had become so weak that i couldn't travel so i took unpayed leave from my work. I still watched porn(foreplay only bcz we did that in relationship). After a month i caught him following me and i informed his brother, he confessed that he was using my password but in a way that he was ashamed seeing me watch porn, he blamed me that he can no longer see me become this, n that i have broken his trust, He called me fake , he said he cant watch my addiction and it shames him. N to stop me going on that path he has to make a confession. He portrayed it in such a way that secretly using password is no big deal but porn watching is making me sick whereas our fights, silent treatment, devaluing, constant following , gaslighting, confusion was making me depressed. But i was so embarrassed that i believed him. I still blame myself. He made me feel so disgused about myself. there was lot of argument but he said he doesn't love this version of me and that i am fake who always showed pride abt her morality has stooped so low, he said he doesnt want me. I kept explaining him. He said that wjen i first informed him abt depression the reason he said that i dont feel anything was bcz he knew i was watching porn and a person watching porn basically is having fun and that i was acting to gain attention and instead make him culprit without knowing that he was watching me.I still feel so embarrassed that he must have talked abt me to so many. I blame myself for breakup. Its been 3 years i am mot able to forgive myself. My shame is invalidating my suffering and depression. Initially i told him to stop watching porn and then o myself was watching it. My mind keeps telling that hadnt i watched porn he wouldn't have argued and called me fake, its obvious that he must have got angry and raged and out of rage he wouldn't have called me fake. I broke his trust. How do i get over this shame?

As someone who started their YouTube journey 10 years ago, with overly creative video ideas- running on trends for whatever would get me views etc and burning out so quickly. After posting on the channel for like 6 months straight and then completely falling off the face of the earth, I had no desire to make content at all.
I decided to come back to YouTube in the last two weeks, posting simple reaction content to things I genuinely enjoy and keeping things so simple by editing on my phone during the time I have between work (because I have nothing else to edit on) My first video back, I wanted to vomit from posting it because I felt such embarrassment (I don’t know why) but now I have never had more of a desire or spark to continue on with my YouTube content! I feel so purposeful all because I’m actually having fun, which I didn’t feel the first time around.
For all the people out there who need that push but perhaps only look at numbers or focus on things too harshly. Be kind to yourself, people can always tell when you like what you’re posting and start small! The biggest difference this time for me is wanting to create a genuine community. I’m only 400 subscribers in- but I am so happy to be back on YouTube. If you are thinking about it again- do it! :) I see so many posts on here about giving up at X amount of subs, because it got too hard or the algorithm stunted you. I know it’s easier said than done (and to be frank I have never been in that position to say this, so take it with a grain of salt) strip back! Post what you want, your long term community will thank you for being you! And you’ll love it more long term!

There's way too much stuff in this subreddit about magnetism in a purely arrogant way, about walking around and all women dropping before you. This is absolutely against the goals of retention. I get that is aimed at folks with poor self-esteem that have never been looked at with desire by a female, but I think it's not healthy for them either, since it'll cause an objective focused retention and, frecuently, the consequent desillusion and falling deeper into dispair. This sort of "I'm an absolute beast and everybody falls before me" should be pursued ONLY when you aim at being a sort of super warrior who will give his life to fight for the good of his people. Then there's this mysoginistic retention where you just believe yourself to be a DemiGod who is just "above women", not above lust. This should only be pursued if you search a truely spiritual path, and if it is so, you should aim all your energies at being ordained a priest/monk, not at being smug on the Internet. On both those cases (warriomonk), SR is, albeit essential, only a small part of what you need to do, not a be-all-end-all that will by itself and maybe ginger tea and cold showers magically "manifest" your destiny.
Now, for the average folk, we all should learn from great warriors and monks, we should be prepared to both sacrifice ourselves to fight the forces of evil in the material world and be spiritually unaffected by their deception. No matter your worldview, I think we can all agree that the world is turning more evil everyday. But these forces are not new and there are many examples before us to continue their struggle.
Now, why do SR, then? Not because of seeking benefits, however true this is. Doing Adderall has many "benefits". Doing opioids has many "benefits" for people with certain illnesses. Drinking has "benefits" for creative writing. Of course, SR benefits are blessed and not a "borrowing", but it can manifest its downsides (even if they're just a "test") a few months, even weeks in, whereas many people abuse other stuff for years before it catches up with them. And, specially in current society, if we trick our monkey brain with this incentives we can fail, ajd it's most likely.
Why, then? Two reasons: 1) Masturbation, even without porn, is an insult to nature. When I first tried it after a kid at school told me, I felt absolutely disgusted. And no, I had been told NOTHING moralistic against it, neither am I a kind of "restrained" person, as a kid I did many things others would punish me for just because I thought I was right or it was fun. This was a true defilement. I've never felt comfortable looking at a woman lustfully in the street, or sneaking at a friend's... or whatever (and I've never been precisely a left-wing or feministic person). I feel repulsed by friends who can't stop making sex jokes and, when someone says they would ... a girl that walks them by I get an instinct to slap them. I feel nausea when a girl talks about their sexual habits or vulgarly describes their sexual organ as mere animalistic stuff in the college dorm eating room. The only time I had a one-night-stand I felt the whole next day crying desperately, not for moral reasons, as an uncontrollable reaction, like YOUR BODY JUST PUKES when you drink too much. Mind you, all this before SR, so all FreudoMarxists with their subversive theories on how we are sexually repressed and that causes us to seek masculinity and be imperialistic and stuff can go fuck themselves. This is not a "Christian society" repression. Ancient Greece understood the beauty and glory of the human body and its eroticism like no other culture. It's not about sculpture. If you read the Iliad, the beauty of a great warrior just lifting a sword, weeping before the beach, being taken by a dream... is seen in the divine splendour it truely has. Now, Greece was no puritan society, of course you had the Dyonisiac rites, but they had a sacred function. Plato talks in the Symposium (and this view was shared by many before and after him but he expressed it in perfection) how the Eros is the most beautiful for in nature, it moves beehives and waves, lovers and gods. But if it's reduced to a purely animal instinct, a mere frotting of organs of high sensitivity, it turns into the biggest sin because it spits against a force that moves to the higher deeds. Funnily enough, Nietzsche, who despised everything Plato represented for humanity and was himself a chronic masturbator (at least when young) ONLY agreed with him in this. Back to Plato. He talks about how, before the fall of men, in the ideal realm, humans were androgyn, we were one whole being and, the gods, envying us for being in such harmony with ourselves, nature, and beauty, fearing we might overcome them, split us in half and condemned us to seek reunion. This myth is shared in many pagan traditions (Hinduism, Aztecs, Siberian Paganism, pre-Buddhist Tibetanism, Buddhism, &c.). It is compatible also, in my view, with the deeper meaning of Genesis. Whether you believe it's an alegory or holds a deeper truth is barely relevant. The thing is, there IS a perfect supreme state in which the masculine metaphysical force and the feminine converge and ascend into a supreme form of being. Unmoveable, untouchable, ethernal. 2. That leads me to the other reason. I don't want every woman to look at me in the street. I don't cashier's voices to tremble at me. I've always been quite fit (now many people ask me if I'm on roids, and I'm not even two years into lifting, I just have privileged genetics in that sense) and I was "gifted" as a kid, so I've always had a lot of attention, whether good or bad, and it's been mostly bad (crabs bucket, &c.). I want to purify myself because, beside loving truth and beauty above all else and feeling animalistic lust defiles it, I don't want to hurt my anima. There's a perfect other soul out their who I'm destined to join to become one till death do us part. A girl created just for me and me for her. A girl who, when I look at, I will feel, as the Divine Commedy says, "the love that moves the sun and the other stars". A girl who I'm destined to spend my life helping grow spiritually and being helped by. Whenever I descend into lower states of being and defiling myself, I hurt her spiritually, same goes for her. This exchange has been happening since our conception and maybe even before, and it will continue at least after death. If we turn ourselves into lower beings, we sink into deeper and deeper distance from that which makes us perfect, and we waste our lives in a loveless marriage, in endless hookups, seeking material possessions, as drug addicts, &c. Monks, like Seraphim Rose, are destined by God to have their Anima in them since birth. This will cause deeper struggle but also a supreme state none of us otherd will reach. As Nicolás Gómez Dávila said "The only thing that can console us of being men is that there were monks". I think I've met my Anima yesterday. That's the reason for the long post. I've lurked here for a long time and I wanted to summarize the best I could all my thoughts on this practice that I don't often read here, but I'm signing off this account in a few days, if any of you have any questions or want me to go further into some matters of the post I'll stay around before logging off.
But yesterday I felt in my heart not just "love" but that my search was over, that I was home. With the world being how it is now, I can't but thank God. God bless you anon. There is a divine force in you destined for true heaven.

I have always been very skeptical of the paranormal, atheist, and all that type of stuff, never believed on it, I might sound crazy typing this but please read.
Since 2022 I have been struggling a lot with depression/anxiety/addiction, the real depression, dropped out of high school, and severe health anxiety. i took all the antidepressants and benzos possible and nothing calmed me down, I was having physical symptoms, chest pain, left arm pain, went to the ER like 4 times and the doctors couldn’t find anything but the feeling was real.
I felt very tempted to end my life, held a gun against my head many times to get rid of this thing that I feel that’s just awful, I can’t hangout with my friends, go to college, even typing this is hard, I just feel awful physically and I thought well, there’s no explanation I will just take my pills until the day before yesterdaay.
I had a super weird dream where a spiritual session was being conducted and all the faces of the people were blurry, a gender neutral voice, leaning towards female was conducting the session. And she said “now we’re gonna have (my moms name) join us, and as she said that I could feel my whole body with a weird sensation like my energy, my soul was being pulled out of me, then my mom “arrived” and the female host conducting the session asked while me and the other memebers were feeling the sensation “do you feel it?” as if we were supposed to feel something as my mom joined.
Then the voice said a few random things and said that a new person would be joining us, that person would be my stepdad and as he joined I felt that pulled out of body sensation and woke up as it was too much for me to handle. I woke up desperate, went to my mom’s room and asked her to sleep with me, in the morning I told her everything and she said it was probably just a nightmare. I told her that I wanted to talk to a priest.
Today, as I was falling asleep and my eyes were closed I felt a presence in my room so i decided to open my eyes, I saw, for 0.00001 seconds a very tall figure of a human like being, I don’t know if it was a human because i could barely se it, I just knew it was very tall, maybe grey? I thought well that’s nothing, but then as I tried to sleep I felt something weird, I felt like evil was around me, pure evil, unexplainable, I just could feel it, and called my mom to sleep with me, this was 3 hours ago.
I’ve already been to the doctors who always diagnose me with anxiety but this thing is new, I have been on tons of medications and it doesn’t work. I know this can sound stupid and absolutely insane but I feel like a demon or an evil entity might be following me. What do I do? I already said that I will be talking to a priest but what else in the meantime? I am scared, and if there is actually something with me it would explain a lot of my problems.

I (32) lost my mom very suddenly 3 weeks ago. ~48 hours cancer diagnosis before she passed away. In the hospital I held her hand and she told me “wow your hands are freezing” (and I love you exchanges) less than 30 minutes later she was gone. I will never be able to rationalize how that’s possible. Nor will I ever fully recover from the sound of my dad howling in the hospital. My heart aches for my younger sister who has suffered immense loss in recent years 💔
I feel grateful to have a supportive partner, friends and family; but sometimes it’s nice to just write / say things to some strangers on in the internet.
—-
Mom,
I have only ever known my relationship with you to be positive, full of comfort and warmth. You and Dad measure success by happiness and have always encouraged us to do what feels right, even if it worried you. You instilled an adventurous spirit in all of us and supported our choices to travel, experience different cultures and you recognize that education comes in many forms. I will always chuckle at you mailing me vitamins to Nicaragua that passed customs in a ziploc bag with a sticky note 😂.
Growing up, I didn't understand why our friends would want to spend time at our small complex rather than their “big” (to us!) houses. As I've grown and become more of an adult, it makes sense now. You created a warm, safe, and comfortable place for us and our friends. You and dad became famous in our friend groups; we’d always bump into you at events, notoriously having more fun than us!
I will forever feel grateful to call you my mom and a dear friend. It comes as no surprise to hear my friends speak about your happy and warm vibes. Friends have called me a human form of sunshine and I am 100% certain it is genetic.
I love you and miss you always. As my mom and friend, as dad’s best friend, as an aunt, sister, daughter and “glama”.
I find comfort in the joy of the little things, a lesson you taught me well: the book nooks, cute gnomes, a swim, any Tom Petty, or Trooper album, and all of my memories with you. These small joys remind me of you and the love and warmth you brought into our lives every day.
Miss you so much, Mom.
With all my love,

I’m wondering what are your complement getters? Please be objective as you can! Both female and male scents that drive people like crazy in your experience? Maybe perfumes that you intentionally wear because they will get you reactions? I’m curious
I’m a female if that matters and here are my observations.
Let’s star with the male “audience” 1. Cloud og, IT MAKES THEM ADDICTED TO YOU IM NOT EVEN JOKING, it’s like a love potion 2. Love don’t be shy, especially older men compliment me while I wear it 3. Eilish, they love the vanilla don’t they
From my observations they don’t like or notice complex fragrances but just the hella sweet ones
Ladies: 1. Cloud Pink, everyone loves the baccarat dna so i’m not surprised but I’m shocked that they adore this version 2. Sweet Tooth (the caramel version) I think it’s the airiness and sweet creaminess with a hint of patchouli that they like 3. Cheirosa 71’, definitely stands out and makes you unforgettable from my experience 4. They also love Eilish and LDBS 5. Lost cherry, I didn’t get THAT many compliments but definitely a lot more than I expected 6. Surprisingly Rose Gourmand from Zara
Neither do ladies like complexity, they just like in my opinion simple yet original scents, the ones which have a strong dominant note

Baby Reindeer has helped me realise I needed to heal properly, I thought I was better, but I'm still making bad choices
When I was at school, I was bullied very badly, I've blocked most of it out, but it wasn't good. I was often told I deserved to be raped and one time an old girl put her hand up my skirt and groped me in the corridor. Shes now become a semi-famous fitness YouTuber. During college two of my 'friends' beat me up in a classroom during break.
Then at University I had a guy try to rape me while I was asleep. I took him home to prove a point to a girl who bullied me during school. I woke up before it was able to get bad, but he tried to put himself in me. He later became a touring musician for a band one summer. I got very depressed and started brining guys back, but not sleeping with them.
I got a boyfriend who was horrible and controlling. He'd stop talking to me if I didn't want to have sex. He made up lies, things my friends had supposedly said, but would later admit weren't true. We broke up and I started sleeping with other guys, multiple a week sometimes. I got another bf, who i thought was it. We were really in love with each other. His friends did introduce me to drugs and I found they made me feel better and helped with the trauma. I got a lot more confident. We argued a lot. It was bad. One time he was at a festival and ended watching the guy from university, he was performing with this band he was touring with. My bf said later that he didn't really do anything to me and he wasn't part of the main band, so why did it matter?
I got another bf. I didn't tell him about my past, I couldn't open up to him for some reason. He attempted to have sex with me while I was asleep. I blamed myself for not telling him about the first guy, so I forgave him & we stayed together.
I've now broken up with my last bf since watching Baby Reindeer. I think I owed it to myself to do the right thing and try to heal through everything. He hasn't taken it well and is now reminding me of my first bf. I think he's hurting a lot, I didn't want to hurt him, but I just couldn't be with him forever. He's not my person.
This show has made me realise I've made bad decisions because of all the trauma I've had, which has caused it to keep piling up. I'm hoping now I can heal/make better choices since I've reflected

The Journal of Xenomedical Biology
Author: Prof. Dr. Dr. Krill of the Vrul
The Human Manifestation of Self-destructive Tendencies and Their Signs.
Over the past few years of studying and learning to understand humans, it has come to the attention of the medical community that humans are the most volatile species, psychologically. This is not meant as negative commentary on human issues as it might seem, but merely an observation that humans have the most widely varied pattern of psychological maladaptive responses when it comes to stress and related mental illness. Where each other species tends to have only two or three typical maladaptive responses, humans have been known to have analogous representations of all known mental abnormalities.
Now this journal is not specifically about all the ways the human brain can go wrong, but more accurately about the maladaptive response I have seen in humans over the past few years primarily demonstrating self-destructive behaviors in one way or another.
You might notice an interesting pattern in my analysis today that clearly demonstrates a repetitive contradictory pattern in human self-destructive tendencies, which will demonstrate just how varied and widely differing their responses can be.
First, humans have socially destructive behavior which can come in many forms.
Withdrawal:
Withdrawal from friends or close loved ones is a common self-destructive behavior to look for in humans. This can happen on a large or small scale where the human withdraws for hours or even years. As a social species, humans find social interaction important, even if that is only remote communications with other humans. If that human begins to withdraw suddenly or even gradually over time, I might suggest being concerned about their well- being.
Now here is where the contradictions come into play, and forgive me if some of these social behaviors also overlap with the physical behaviors, with humans, they are often one and the same.
Increased socially dangerous behavior:
Now this may account for many things. Some humans will fall into a downward spiral where they surround themselves with other likeminded humans and participate in dangerous physical activities, which I will discuss later.
Increased partners:
Now, while this behavior may be common for many humans, (Ramirez et al.)((no, that is not a report to consult, but an example)) and could be argued as a physical behavior, there is cause for concern if a human suddenly increases the number of physical partners from their average. This usually accompanies reckless social behavior like not meeting the partner first before entering into a physical relationship, doing this on multiple occasions and might also be connected with the following –
Staying with an objectively horrible partner:
Now it is hard to identify why some humans do this, but often humans will choose a partner who is objectively horrible to them either physically or emotionally. Sometimes humans do this because they are afraid of the repercussions, are afraid of being alone, or they have been convinced that there is no other possible person out there who might love them. Humans put a lot of stock into physical relationships and many of them would rather be with someone horrible than be alone. Due to their social nature many humans put social interaction and partnership over their safety and mental health. If you see a human participating in this behavior, it is advised to get them help, even if the human does not want it. They deserve more than being treated horribly.
Now on occasion two humans in a downward spiral might come together and create a codependent relationship where they cannot function without one another. What the other human does the other will follow and this can lead them both into a spiral of horrible physical and mental behaviors that will cause anguish in the long term. If one of them is involved with drugs, the other will follow etc.
Now some humans might even participate in self-destructive behaviors that look good from an outside perspective. For instance, it is a common occurrence that humans overwork themselves to the point of burnout. Often humans throw themselves into their work to distract their minds and avoid the pain of something else, this may include memories or having to return to an environment where they do not wish to go. These humans will work many hours and sacrifice their social lives to do more work, causing long term stress that can lead to heart attack stroke and other physical diseases related to increased stress and heightened blood pressure. Some humans may participate in this behavior as a way to prove themselves to others, that they are either competent or hard working.
On the flipside of this there are other humans who may just stop working at all. They let everything in their lives fall apart, and stop doing anything of note causing them to lose their jobs, their hobbies, their families and their friends. This one is often related to a withdrawal from other people and might include elements of physical recklessness like drug abuse.
Secondly and including a much wider range of self-destructive behaviors, we see the physical manifestations of this phenomenon which vary widely and tend to come in opposing pairs.
Overeating and undereating:
These are two very common forms of stress response from humans. If humans have conditioned to see food as a reward for behavior or as a comforting mechanism (often developed in childhood) they will eat in order to comfort themselves and to the point where it is adversely affecting their physical health. They may eat even if they are not hungry or if they are actively full. Some humans experience digestive issues while under stress and may even refuse to eat at all. There are other extreme cases where humans, usually in response to a perceived lack of control, will regulate their food intake to the point of starvation or other food related disorders.
This is closely related to over exercising, and also has links with a perceived lack of control in their life. These humans, often paired with restricted eating, will push themselves to their physical limit to control their own bodies as a form of having a hold on their own lives. This paired with restricted calories can cause an untold amount of damage both physically and mentally. Mental disorders linked to these behaviors are known to be the deadliest of disorders known to humans.
The consumption of Drugs and Alcohol:
This is a very common and often overlooked behavior in humans. Drinking is the consumption of beverages that contain Ethanol, which when reacting in the human brain causes, extreme mental degradation related to fuzziness and euphoria. Humans find this a pleasant feeling, though it causes damage to many internal structures most primarily the liver. Unfortunately drinking is seen as a socially acceptable behavior with humans and so, excessive drinking is often caught too late or not called out at all. These humans may drink from the beginning to the end of the day and will build up a tolerance to alcohol amounts that would kill another human. They build up an immunity to the point where they need larger and larger doses to feel the same effects. They will often neglect their social connections including friends and family for a chance with the bottle.
This is the same with other illicit drugs, which may have even more severe effects on the person and my lead to drug induced psychosis. Both substances are highly addictive to the point where a human may commit horrible acts like murder, robbery, etc to get the drugs that they crave. This is usually in response to some sort of mental anguish they are trying to drown out but may be related to them becoming hooked on drugs they needed after surgery. On rare occasions, this behavior began in conjunction with destructive social behaviors which lead them down into a spiral.
Excessive partying is often paired with drug use and an increased amount of intimate partners. Many humans who have fallen into this spiral might refuse to admit that they are spiraling at all. Generally limited use of a substance can be acceptable for a human, but there are plenty of other chemicals that should not be consumed at all.
There are even some drugs that are known to be mild on the user but may cause emotional dependence. These drugs are not known to cause physical dependance, but the human can convince themselves that they require the drug to function emotionally during the day and will neglect their family, friends and lives in order to spend more time with their drug of choice Again you will see the withdrawal from social contacts as an extreme warning sign in humans.
Sleeping too much or not sleeping at all:
A human getting enough sleep is important for their mental health but sleeping too much is proven to throw off circadian rhythms and increase chances of depression or worsening depression. Humans require an amount of sleep that is no more or no less than what they need. Many humans will claim to not be getting enough sleep because they feel tired, when in reality their oversleeping causes grogginess and reduced amount of energy though it might seem counter intuitive. On the other hand, humans might refuse to sleep at all, instead occupying their time with some other activity. It is important to remember though that an inability to sleep might also be insomnia, and the human has no choices in the matter. I find that humans, in general, are horrible at regulating a proper healthy sleep schedule.
Participation in dangerous hobbies:
Now, I understand that this is common for many humans and does not indicate self-destructive behavior, but I would consider noting when a human suddenly involves themselves in dangerous hobbies after not participating for a long time, especially when that human is not careful and doesn’t take time to properly consider safety protocols.
Another very common one is humans causing intentional physical harm to themselves. This comes in levels of severity, and I would say that most humans do this to some degree or another. Often these are connected to nervous ticks or even learned behaviors from childhood. This can include, picking scabs, biting nails, picking at the skin of the thumbs or the lips, pilling hair, and biting the inside of the cheeks. These smaller behaviors are usually minor and do not require attention, they may cause scarring but are not generally connected to extreme mental anguish.
However, these behaviors can escalate dramatically to the use of knives and razors. This behavior is EXTREMELY maladaptive and indicates severe mental anguish and trauma and must be addressed immediately. These behaviors might escalate and be linked to loss of life by the human's own hand. I have not witnessed this personally, and I never intend to as I keep a very close eye on my humans.
Previous First [Next](link)
Want to find a specific one, see the whole list or check fanart?
Here is the link to the master-post.
Intro post by me
OC-whole collection
Patreon of the author

alternatively titled - I don't know if this is THE field for me.
I've been working as an aide in early intervention for the past seven months and it's been...okay. This is my first ever "grown-up job" and my first taste in this field (I have no prior experience or qualifications in this early childhood or early intervention).
I feel like I'm messing up in whatever I do when it comes to the kids. For example - Toddler A runs away from the activity, so I try to chase after them only to be told to wait to see where they want to go. Next time, Toddler B runs away from the activity so I decide to take the previous advice but got told off for not chasing after the kid. When I asked how I’ll know when to chase or to let them explore, the answer from my leads is, “You’ll figure it out eventually”.
Sometimes I think the lessons went well only to get hit by a random, "So what do you think you can do better?" At the end of the day which spikes my anxiety up because I thought everything was okay during the lessons...
Changing rooms/classes is not an option as they need people in toddlers and we are very understaffed so there’s no one to switch with.
The biggest realisation that this might not be for me is when a colleague (who has been there the same time as I do) said that they'll miss their kids during the term break and that even though they're tired, the kids energises them and it's the complete opposite for me. I always feel so drained and tired. I’m honestly kind of dreading for when we get even more students. I don’t know if I’m burnt out or not since it’s not even been a year.
I'm okayish here, I get along with most of my colleagues even though it's so tiring and the pay is okayish (44 hours for about $9/hr.) I'm just feeling really dejected and demoralised. I'm doubting everything about myself and I don't know if this is THE field for me now, maybe I'm not cut out for it. I think I really like working with children though...maybe just not this age group? or I’m not ready to work in early intervention yet… I feel really guilty about wanting to quit though as it’s very understaffed. I’ll also have no idea what to say to my supervisor if I do end up resigning. Any possible advice would be appreciated.

My baby’s father cheated on me and I found out about it on my first Mother’s Day as I snooped his phone because he didn’t get me anything for Mother’s Day! I asked him to get me a cheap kettle as a gift but no! Anyways, I’m now a single mum and it feels so strange but I kind of feel lighter in a way! He always put me down and criticised everything I did and my self esteem has been rock bottom since I met him! I’m hoping it gets better from here! LO is 10 months old so it feels more manageable than if I would have found out in the early postpartum days!
Anyways, rant over, thank you for reading this far!

Hi all! I’m considering buying MotoGP 24, but I have some questions regarding the newest feature in the game - the riders market!

• Are the moves realistic? Like, can you see Bez moving to Pramac? Or are they more, like, Nakagami going to Ducati Lenovo?
  
• Do riders retire eventually, giving way to Moto2 and Moto3 riders? I’d love to see how the game handles getting David Alonso on a MotoGP.
  
• Are there rider movements in the classes you are not participating at the moment? For example, if I start in Moto3, will there be movements in MotoGP? I’m kinda worried that I won’t be able to compete against Martin or Bagnaia or Marquez in the Ducatis if I do a season in Moto3 and Moto2.
  

Hey y'all! I'm about to be a senior in college who's gonna just barely graduate on time with a B.S. in biology. I originally picked that degree because I believed it would help me contribute the most good to the world, because of related fields like pharmaceutical research and nature conservation work, and the job offers seemed ok. But lately, i've started to get scared that I won't be able to find a good job/career with my degree since, I've been told, it's too general, and I'm also nervous about getting stuck with lab-benchwork for the rest of my life if i find a job anyway, and that could just suck :(
so, I'm really scared that'll regret my undergrad degree. (And I really don't want to, because I had so much in my college fund that it's nearly free) I've considered a myriad of other careers, either ones that I know I'd love but thay would pay absolute hogwash, like a religious studies professor, or ones that I'd likely have to get another undergrad for, like a financial or legal consultant. I even considered becoming a lawyer at one time, and a doctor at another, but I'm deathly afraid that I would then work my life away, and that I'd miss a lot of the things that make life worth living.
So I don't know. I'm really concerned about the ethics of whatever I end up in, how much I'll make, and the work-life balance that I'll have.
I think I might be too picky, or anxious, or both, and I don't know what to do. Do y'all have any advice for a terrified 20 y/o?
Thank you y'all! :)
Also apologies for my English, it's not my first language