“We’re a meat family,” my dad would proudly tell strangers. He’d wait for the quizzical look, then launch into detail, starting with how many freezers we had, how long we could sustain ourselves on the contents. It was just his way of starting a conversation, which made sense when you considered that raising and home-killing animals for food was, for want of a better term, his life-long hobby. His prize possession was one of those industrial-sized vacuum sealers: you could put half a pig inside and wrap it in plastic so tightly that every wrinkle and skin fold waxed unreal with shiny detail.
If we hadn’t lived in a rural area, albeit semi-urbanised, I guess it would have been pretty weird. But the mostly farming-stock locals only found his extra enthusiasm a little bit odd.
When he wasn’t being a bit embarrassing talking about it, I never really paid much heed to his hobby. I had a child’s vaguely grateful awareness that though our family went through some lean financial times, our stomachs never suffered like some of the families around us. All the beef, pork, ham and bacon in those big old chest freezers passed down from his dad really could have fed us for years.
I should preface all this by saying that I wasn’t a particularly bright kid, though neither was I dumb. I didn’t fail badly at anything in school, I just never achieved beyond a pass. I didn’t know it yet back then, still quietly dreaming about being a ballet star or a dressage champion, but mediocrity was my destiny. And I think that’s why I got on so well with my Aunt Liz.
Liz was my dad’s live-in youngest sister. She was one of those women who get described as ‘bubbly’ — not really pretty, not really smart, not a lot going on besides just being… well, all Liz. But she was salt of the earth; kind, caring, and great with kids. She was the only person who would willingly mind my two older brothers, who fought like hellcats and caused more trouble than the whole last generation of my family combined. People would privately lament to my parents that it was a shame Liz didn’t have kids of her own, but dad would just shake his head and say Liz liked it that way – that all the fun of looking after kids is being able to give them back to their parents.
I guess she was like me; nice, but mediocre. Lovely, but somehow forgettable when she wasn’t doing something for you.
But when Liz left us, I couldn’t forget her.
In hindsight, it was pretty weird timing that we had a big fortieth birthday party for Liz right before she disappeared. She was radiant that night; she’d hired a local girl to do her hair and makeup, and it was honestly the first time I’d ever seen her look pretty. She’d even worn a push-up bra under a tight red dress, which flattered her very plump curves well enough that the neighbour’s farmhand was spotted disappearing into the woolshed with her for a snog. In my dawning awareness, that gave a plain girl hope: if Aunty Liz could get a guy at forty, maybe things would turn out okay for me.
Anyway, I couldn’t forget how her pink cheeks, her eyes, her whole self, glowed that night before Liz went to bed. She said it was the best birthday ever, and that she was very much looking forward to the next stage of her life.
Would I have done anything different, if I had known? If I had realised what, exactly, that next stage was?
The week after the party, Aunt Liz said she was going on a little holiday up north, to visit some old school friends. She packed her things – she didn’t honestly have that many – and drove her little orange mini out onto the main road. And with a wave of one fleshy hand, she was gone. Nobody really thought much of it when she didn’t call, because nobody rural had cellphones back then. And Liz was, as I said, somehow kinda forgettable when she wasn’t right in front of you.
When we hadn’t had contact for six weeks, Dad tracked down the land line numbers for their old school buddies. They were surprised to hear from him — Liz had never arrived, so they had just assumed she’d cancelled her visit. No-one had thought to check. I eavesdropped on the conversation, and it sounded for all the world like *they* had forgotten about Aunt Liz, too.
From there it became a missing person case. The local cops came and talked to all of us; the farmhand who’d been seen snogging her was briefly detained, then let go, dad got grilled at length, even my hellion brothers were questioned thoroughly to see if this was one of their wild and dangerous pranks gone wrong.
But everything was a dead end. Nobody knew where Liz was, or what had happened to her.
The remains of her old mini were found halfway across the country, burned out on a beach, on a derelict stretch of ragged, rocky coastline. The police assumed murder and combed the area for remains. But even the most expert divers couldn’t conquer the incredible undertow and fast-shifting seabed of that coastline to look for evidence, so none was forthcoming.
Eventually the cops collectively shrugged and said that there was really nothing more they could do unless more information suddenly came to light. The locals knew nothing, no witnesses had come forward, and the trail was cold. As far as anyone knew, poor aunt Liz had been murdered on some desolate beach, far away from her home.
It didn’t feel fair to me. She’d once mentioned wanting her remains buried on our farm, in the graveyard plot beside grandma and grandad.
So, in my grief, I went into her room to look for something of hers to bury beside them.
Like I said, Liz didn’t have many things. Her room was pretty spartan, and her wardrobe was mostly sensible farm stuff. There was one exception: she, like me, did like to read, and she had a pretty good collection of well-thumbed books. I think it’s the escapism – even the most mediocre girl can lose herself in the plot of some trashy romance novel, imagine there’s still hope of being swept off her feet by that handsome stableboy, his inexplicable yearning for chubby plain girls.
So I set myself the task of going through the books, to find the right one to bury in the graveyard plot.
Most of them were exactly what you’d expect, but some of them were racier than I was used to. I felt various parts of my body flushing and tingling, as I read breathless prose about calloused hands touching the softest flesh of the protagonist. Okay, if I’m honest with myself, I might have got a little *too* invested in my project at that point. But that was also why I persisted going through her entire collection, until I found the ragged paperback from 1970, entitled Tawny Sands. And inside that trashy cardboard romance cover, I discovered not the tale of Tawny Sands, but some carefully hand-cut, stitched-in pages. A handwritten story in my Aunt’s rounded penmanship: Memoirs of a Long Pig.
I read her story twice in a row, utterly gripped.
Aunt Liz was no Stephen King – heck, she wasn’t even the Goosebumps guy – but her story was gripping and compelling, and I couldn’t put it down. Even if I hadn’t known her, I think that would have been true.
The gist of it was that Liz, when she was sixteen, had discovered that our family had a very long history of eating what she described as ‘Long Pork’. It’s an antipodean term, anglicised from the Pacific Islands: human meat.
Like me, young Liz still had some hopes and dreams. In one of her many failed attempts to find a special talent, she’d taken up cooking as a hobby. Naturally, with our family’s overabundance of meat, she’d scoured the freezers in the shed for ingredients: the racks of ribs and stacks of pork chops, butcher-paper wrappings all neatly labelled with the first letter of the name of the animal they came from.
She found familiar meat from Rodney, one of the pigs that had been recently slaughtered, emblazoned with an ‘R’ in her father’s strong, blocky lettering. There were cutlets labelled ‘M’ for Mary, from one of the lambs she’d hand-reared, and ‘F’ for Ferdinand, the steer they’d killed the month before. But she couldn’t explain the many, many curious parcels of meat on one side of the huge freezer, all labelled ‘J’ – at least, not until she took it all out and assembled it as well as she could on the scoured concrete floor of the killing shed. A big, frozen jigsaw puzzle without the box, her best attempt to discover what kind of beast the pieces had come from.
The animal, she quickly realised, was a Long Pig. Her own Aunt Jenny, who had died the month before – just after her fortieth birthday.
Fortunately, or perhaps not, for Liz, her father entered the shed right at that moment and realised his daughter had discovered the family secret. He sat down calmly on the lid of the freezer, and explained to her that this was a long-running family tradition, dating back to at least before his grandfather had been born.
“There are always people in life, Liz,” he’d said, “who won’t really amount to much. They want to be useful, want to be more. They strive and they strive, trying job after job, hobby after hobby, trying to hit on something they’re really good at. Something that makes them special. Those people can waste their whole lives, chasing dreams that never come true. Eventually they die unfulfilled, knowing that all their time has been wasted. That what they leave behind will fade quickly.”
His voice was oddly gentle as he leaned down and patted one of the neatly wrapped cuts of Aunt Jenny, still sitting frozen on the shed floor.
“Your Aunt Jenny was one of those people. So was my Aunt Irene.” He paused to gaze at his daughter, his next words peppered with emphasis. “But you see, my sweet Liz, they did find a purpose in life. They did find a way to be special, and they left this world utterly certain of their gift.” He stood up, stretched his back. “Let me show you.”
Liz waited while my grandad meticulously stacked the meat back into the freezer, all but one J-marked parcel that looked for all the world like a thick venison steak. He took her back to the farmhouse, and reverently unwrapped the deep red, heavily marbled meat to let it thaw. Then he laid it in the family’s ancient, cast-iron pan, basting it with butter and rosemary until a heavenly scent filled the kitchen, and Aunt Liz couldn’t stop her mouth from watering.
“Just try it. Let her show you. You’ll see exactly what I’m talking about.”
Even though she knew it was her aunt, Liz couldn’t stop herself from taking that first bite. There was something transcendent about the smell, overriding her natural revulsion that this was human meat, not one of their farm animals. For the first time, she truly realised it: we’re just another kind of animal. And weren’t her memories of Mary the lamb almost as fond as her memories of Aunt Jenny?
Liz explained then, in her curly handwriting, the explosion of taste that had assaulted her when she tried the steak. It was tender, it was succulent, it was rich beyond imagining. The fats melted on her tongue, lingering somewhere between pork and beef, but oddly neither. The flavour of the meat defied identification; something familiar, yet not.
But one thing she couldn’t deny; it was the most delicious thing she had ever eaten. Tears dripped onto her plate, mingled with the juice, the grease — not grief, but a pure, real, giddy delight.
“You’re tasting your aunt’s love for this family,” my grandad explained. “Her entire life was carefully curated, to eventually make unforgettable moments for us, just like this. This was her way of being special. This was the greatest gift she could possibly bring to our world – and because she realised that, she died with not a single regret. She knew her life had purpose. She was perfectly, completely fulfilled.”
I felt those words. I felt them lodge in my own belly, settling uncomfortably deep. I knew Aunt Liz, probably better than anyone else in the family. I’d seen how fucking happy she’d been on her fortieth, how goddamn fulfilled she was, despite apparently being a *nobody* and achieving *nothing*. Somehow, in the space of a single day, she had gone from being a forgettable background character to becoming the *main character*, immortalising herself in our family’s history with her sacrifice. Quite literally becoming part of all of us, forever.
I went to the killing shed after I finished with the book. I looked inside the freezers.
But there were no vacuum-sealed packages labelled ‘L’, no matter how deep I dug into the frozen stacks of plastic-wrapped flesh. Panicked now, not sure if I wanted to connect all the dots or unconnect them, I tried to think back over the last few months, recall any meals that had been unusually good. A few Sundays ago, we’d had a stew that really hit the spot and left me craving more. And I realised that the family had a really good night that night; my brothers behaved themselves, my parents didn’t fight, and grandma and grandad had been there. Hadn’t they looked far more… expectant than they should have?
I strained my brain, trying to recall if I’d seen the homekill bag on the kitchen bench – if I’d registered what letter it was. I knew it wasn’t an L. I would have remembered if it was an L.
And then it hit me, the memory, the connection, sizzling as if branded with a hot iron.
It had been an ‘E’.
E for Elizabeth. Not for Edward the pig.
I snorted at my own stupidity – of *course* Liz was short for Elizabeth – and as I comprehended my lack of smarts, I felt something give inside me.
I wasn’t clever, and nothing, nothing would ever make me smart. I had no big talents. I wasn’t beautiful, or even cute – and even if I had a million plastic surgeries, it still wouldn’t fulfill me. It wouldn’t be real.
I was a Liz.
I was a Jenny.
I was whoever the first aunt had been, the aunt who had dedicated her life to making her flesh as delicious as possible, who had worked every damn minute to be the best Long Pig she could ever be.
I wondered how many magical family evenings had been spent eating Aunt Jenny. How many glorious, satisfying, memorable dishes had been made out of her.
And… I wanted that. I wanted to finally know I had a *purpose* in life. One so simple, and so easy to achieve.
I wanted what Aunt Liz had.
***
It's my fortieth birthday today and I’m so fucking excited. For the last twenty-four years, I’ve dedicated myself to this moment; I’ve eaten exactly what I needed to, I’ve exercised just enough, but not too much, to maintain that perfect balance of marbling vs tenderness. I’ve relaxed and meditated to keep all those amazing flavours inside of me. I’ve researched all the greatest meats in the world, from prime Angus beef to A5 Wagyu. I really think I may have outdone myself.
I’m having my hair and makeup done at the local salon this afternoon, and I’m going to look so pretty; all prize piggy on show at the fair. I’m even going to have a big red ribbon in my hair, in memory of Aunt Liz.
Maybe there’ll be a cute boy I can snog in the wool shed, maybe there won’t – I don’t really care; because the most important, most certain thing is that I’m going to be the most delicious Long Pig in the history of our entire family.
I’m going to make everyone so damn happy, and I’m just so glad I can share my story with you all, instead of hiding it in a grubby book like poor Aunt Liz.
My only real disappointment? That you won’t get to taste me.
Reader, I have loved, loved my life. My Long Pork will be out of this world: once tasted, never, ever forgotten.

[ lengthy post ahead ]
Hello Be*, idk if you’ll ever see this but I’ll send it anyway. We met once at his birthday celebration. When we were still together. With the cheater I know he is, I knew he was eyeing for you since you are attractive. Without a doubt, I was mesmerized by your beauty as well, and I saw that as a chance to finally end that relationship. I joked with you pa nga "Gusto mo sa’yo na lang (ex ko)? Toxic naman yan e." That was true, yet I wasn’t wrong though. You ended up dating and even having a baby.
Fast forward to now, I came across your tiktok account, and there were no posts from you, just reposts from other accounts explaining the situation you were having—Cheating, living with a narcissist-pathological liar, and being emotionally, verbally, and mentally abused. I feel so sorry for you since I have experienced all you are going through. Don't get me wrong, I don't pity you; it's just that I wish you knew that I went through everything he made you feel while we were together. He was disrespectful to my parents and his mom, always came to our house at the middle of the night, intoxicated, and I was always afraid of what he would do if I did not accompany him because he had anger issues. The reason why I experienced trauma bonding with him. Idk, if he shared this with you, but we also had a baby.
That was our difference. You chose motherhood, I didn't. When I found out I was pregnant with him, we weren’t talking for a while (our whole rs was like that, on & off). Still informed him about it, and when he found out? he told me, "Mag-PT ka ulit, baka niloloko mo lang ako para bumalik ako." (ew) but I was afraid back then, so I did in front of him kasi akala ko gusto niya. I thought having a baby with him would change him, but it didn't. He still cheated on me despite knowing the fact that I was pregnant, so I decided not to continue my pregnancy because I had so many ambitions and couldn't risk them for someone who is incapable of loving. That includes both of us. I wasn't ready, and I couldn't imagine him being a good father to my child, nor could I because I didn't know how to love myself. Before that decision was made, a lot of “fixing” happened, I begged him several times, cried, and was still called insane while going through pregnancy just bc I was asking for assurance..
When I finally decided that there were no hopes for us, I finally blocked him everywhere and he was calling me thru his mom’s phone number— It was chaotic, and the only thing on my mind at the moment was that I needed to get rid of 'this' because my kid did not deserve what he was about to see, if he made it. I went to the OB alone and was terrified. I took three f*king PTs, and they were all as clear as water, indicating "positive". However, when they were checking up on me, the physicians informed me that they had trouble finding the baby's heartbeat. Yes, it was ectopic.
Am I a bad person if I felt relieved? Because I did. I was in anguish, too. I felt compelled to blame someone, and so I blamed it all on him. Ofc, he branded me "crazy" and had the audacity to say, "Kung di ka lang sana nag-isip nang nag-isip. Kasalanan mo yan!” After losing my kid, I never went back, but I still sobbed every fking day, wondering how in the world I could have met someone with no heart. I never even got an apology. Until December 202 (we were in no contact for 2 months, after losing my baby) he was following one of my best friends and saw me on her story, he sent my best friend a DM to introduce me to him again ‘para makabawi’ he said, I didn’t really understood what he meant by that, makabawi para sa nagawa niya? O para lokohin ulit ako? that’s when he began booty calling me again. I met with him while I was still in the process of moving on from everything and the trauma bond remained strong bc he told me he was sorry, that’s what I thought. I had no idea you were already with him at that moment, till the morning when he and I were still together, and saw that you were bomboarding his phone with messages and calls at 6 a.m. That’s when I knew. I saw myself in you. I went home feeling ashamed and disgusted with myself. Cried myself to sleep because I didn’t know anything, he fooled me once again. Worse, he made me his sidechick, something I wouldn’t even dream of becoming.
I’m sorry. I was about to confront you, but shame consumed me. I never intended to hurt another woman. But believe me, I never met him again despite of him sending me messages every now and then, despite the fact that I already blocked him everywhere & even changed my phone number, but still he asked where I was, if I was available, and anything else you can think of while you and him were together. The only thing I want from him is my money, which he owed me. Damn, I was so stupid.
But, anyhow, all I wanted to say was that while this may sound cliché, you did not deserve it, all the pain and self loathing. Scrolling over your reposts, I see you're also in pain because of your baby daddy. I am very sorry that you and your kid had to meet a monster. If you and him are still together and came across this, and the patterns remain the same. Do me a favor: get you your baby out of that boy's life because HE WILL NEVER MAN UP. I hope your find the strength to walk away because you don’t need someone who makes you feel unworthy of the right kind of love. You deserve a love you ought to give, and nothing less.
I assumed he told you about how I was the toxic one? Heck, I was. It's because he cheated on me several times, lied straight to my face after crying and running to me to come back over and over again, and still managed to hit up on girls while knowing I was pregnant. That’s what a narcissist does, I’ve had trust issues and anxiety as a result of him. In my perception, your existence was a blessing to me, it freed me from that situation. It was never easy, it really felt like I was going insane, bc how in the hell could someone do that to me— who had full of love in my heart, but shattered into pieces after offering a love that’s genuine. But I did, I was able to walk away and I hope you will too.
Girl, I sincerely hope that things will work out for you in the long run. Losing my angel, opened my eyes, and I pray it will do the same for you and your little one. I apologize if I also caused you pain. You deserve a love that is safe, calm, and at peace. Most of all, your baby do not deserve a father like that, you’ll both do fine on your own.
Please save yourself; no one will. I dodged a bullet, unaware that you would be the one to catch it. Please, just live even if it feels like dying; I promise you, it will be over shortly. Above all, prioritize your own well-being. We never deserved it; no one ever does. From woman to a woman, I am rooting for your healing, Mama. ❤️‍🩹

The Number 47, Synchronicity & the Law of Time Courtney Jamal Dewar, aka Capital STEEZ, came with perfect timing. Wielding a higher message, he revealed to all those around him through his music and his being the corruption of society and all of its constructs. He was fascinated, some would say, obsessed, with the number 47. For him this number held a higher meaning on many levels. First and foremost, he felt it was about synchronicity. He made all of his homies, including myself, aware of how this is the quintessential random number. We literally began to see it everywhere. You can research the numerological significance of 47. Here are just a few: 47 appears to be the quintessential random number of the universe. When a number appears randomly, more often than not, that number is 47. In other other words, if you asked people to pick a number at random, more often than not, that number would be 47. Of course, if 47 shows up more than any other number then it isn’t truly random, but using the word random makes the whole phenomenon easier to describe. From a spiritual perspective, number 47 is a combination of the energies and attributes of number 4 and number 7. The vibrations of number 4 include those of productivity and application, inner-wisdom and practical-thinking, honesty and integrity, endurance and determination, conscientiousness and discipline. Number 4 also relates to our passion and drive in life. Number 7 brings the qualities of spiritual awakening and enlightenment, intuition and inner-knowing, psychic abilities and mysticism, independence and individualism, persistence of purpose and manifesting good fortune.
There is even a much-viewed YouTube spoof of Jim Carrey’s The Number 23, substituting—you guessed it–the No. 47. Jim Carrey's character named Walter is given a book titled The Number 23. Walter starts reading the book and notices striking similarities between himself and the main character, a detective named "Fingerling". Fingerling is obsessed with the 23 enigma, the idea that all incidents and events are directly connected to the number 23 (Weirdly enough when I was younger I was in cod team called 23Enigma) only noted it as of the coincidence.
Jim Carrey told reporters he was so captivated by the 23 enigma even before reading the script that he renamed his production company from "Pit Bull Productions" to "JC23." (Jesus Christ 23?) Oddly enough the first film Carrey worked on with Joel Schumacher his character The Riddler's real name was 'E. Nigma'. According to Carrey, he was reading a book about Psalm 23 when he was first given a copy of the screenplay to review. He said he asked a friend to read the script and "an hour and a half later he was on page 23, circling every 23rd word. That's the kind of thing I want to do to an audience." When he discovered that the first page of the script involved the lead character trying to capture a pit bull, he was "freaked out," given the change in name of his production company. (Pitbull productions) My Nicknames Pitty, short for pitbul (These are just speculations) Also I've gathered others inputs and went down a deep rabbit hole. Mind you, this is just connections that has been gathered over time, but the consistency of certain "coincidences" are interesting to say the least. Just try to piece together the connections even though it may be out of radar due to us living completely different lives.
James > Cleveland Cavaliers (Cavs) > Number 23 > Nicknames are King James & The Chosen One
Cavs is the nickname of my last name Cavanagh
When you flip the cleveland cavaliers logo upside down it is quite similar
(The hat I've worn since 14, P represents the nickname"Pitty:" short for pitbill a nickname ive had since i was around 10 years old.
Matthew writes that on 23 occasions Jesus blessed 47 people.
The Bible credits Jesus with 47 miracles.
The Declaration of Independence has 47 sentences. Originally published: 4 July 1776 (4/7)
1947 is when the UFO crashed at Roswel
The Tropic of Cancer and the Tropic of Capricorn are 47 degrees of latitude apart.
Capital STEEZ died from allegedly leaping from the Cinematic Music Group’ either gripping a bible or with it strapped on his back There is also the fact that a blood lunar eclipse will occur in New York at 3:47 am on STEEZ’s birthday in 2047, and then the lunar eclipse which will occur after this one is part of the Lunar Saros series 135. He said he named the song 135 for “5th dimensional synchronization”... whatever that means, this would be a massive coincidence.
How Many People Can See This Eclipse? Number of People Seeing... Number of People* Fraction of World Population At least some of the penumbral phase 4,070,000,000 When the Eclipse Happens Worldwide — Timeline Event UTC Time Time in Melbourne* Penumbral Eclipse begins 7 Jul at 07:47:47 Visible in Melbourne 7 Jul at 5:47:47 pm On capital steez birthday.
STEEZs last tweet “the end” Was posted December (23) 2012 The building steez died (The colliers office) is on 666 fifth avenue, 10103 10+10+3=(23), New York. The building was built in 1878 The bohemian grove was established in 1878 The address of the CMG label building is on 40 west (23)rd st, 10010, New York The Freemasonry Grand lodge of New York is on 71 west, (23)rd st 10010 NY. Directly located across the same building STEEZ died. Yeah. West 23rd st, w is the (23)rd letter in the alphabet. In Hebrew the letter W represents the number 6 The fraction 2/3 in decimals=0.666 The freemasonry grand lodge of New York was founded in December 15, 1782 15, 1782 1+5+1+7+8+2 = 24. December 24 the date that's etched on STEEZs tombstone. A police report about his death has never surfaced, information has never been released, but there is pictures of his gravestone (see here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuFVUJJR4Ug) and on that gravestone it says 24/12/12, which actually adds up to 48, yet he tweets on the 23/12/12 stating 'The End. Steez was ready to open up Pandora’s box and expose the illuminati occult in a way that has never been done before. It gets deep. Just think about it guys. Steez was an intellectual genius. He would obviously know that suicide actually makes u go to hell and not heaven. As a believer in the lord he would never commit suicide.
I'm not sure if you're paying attention to the ryan garcia trying to reveal how something tragic happened to him where he was taken to boheiman grove and forced to watch things i wont mention here People said his crazy and on drugs, sad thing is, I believe he is telling the truth Fast forward he wasn't on drugs and
Peep his song "Free The Robots" https://youtu.be/XcmR8DxuHBA
STEEZ has definitely made a positive impact on this world by introducing a new way of thinking and spirituality, even more of an impact than a lot of artists who are still alive... Capital STEEZ was 19 at the time of his death.
There is also gematria behind his death it has to do with numbers. I’ll explain what it is for those who aren’t aware of it. Gematria is the decoding of letters to numbers, it’s used to translate ancient Hebrew Scriptures. But it’s also the code for the entire world. The most basic way I can put it is that it’s as simple as ABC=123, they use these numbers thru media, and the thing that’s being shown on the media always correlates with Masonic numbers and words that correlate with whatever and whoever is being shown on the news or media and whatever event is taking place always correlates 100% of the time. In news, sports, music industry, Hollywood, politics, everything. In Numerology, which is different from gematria. After calculating his name I came across a lot of similarities when calculating mine in various forms.
While calculating his name i came across things relating to me like Like "Melbourne Victoria Australia, Royal Melbourne Hospital, june twenty fourth. From his name which connected to me personally as i was born in that hospital, thats the city i live and my birthday. The similarities left me wondering if it was actually real or not so I used multiple different calculators and paid for a membership on gematrinator to get maximum results and ended up noticing so much our mine and steezs calculations were similar answers in different form, and answers i got with his name ultimately connected to mine, vice versa. So i was intrigued and these are a list of numbers that matched up with our names. This is all speculation based on connections that seem to be very consistent peep this
Calculating these variations of our names such as Courtney Jamal Dewar / Courtney jamal Dewar Jr / Courtney Everald Jamal Dewar Jr / Capital STEEZ / Nathan Cavanagh / Nathan James Cavanagh / Nathan James Cavanagh Sciarra, calculations all listed together when I noted them all I didn't think to label to each name as I was so captivated by the coincidences I just kept going down the rabbit hole. I came across profound links to both our names that binds us both to the unique synchronicities that were to apparent to all be ruled as pure coincidence, such as his name calculating to my birthday, place of birth and city, and city i live to say the least.
These are calculations through gematria, some are our calculations mixed in this as I was just noting down every connection I noticed
The first and the last Eye Of Horus Total Eclipse the numbers of gods matrix coordinated universal time Capital Steez June Twenty Forth (my birthday) came up from steez name Lunar Eclipse Sacrifice July (2047 lunar eclipse on steezs birthday) The Central Intelligence Agency A WISE TALENTED MUSIC PRODUCER Royal Melbourne Hospital (where I was born) The Holy Bloodline Of Jesus The Return of Christ Exodus Luke synchronisation The Synchronicities Of Jesus The Book Of Revelations Vibrational Frequency Biblical Prophecy Melbourne Victoria Australia (where im from), came up on steezs calculations The Royal Bloodline The Divine Bloodline Of Jesus fourth of jew lie Energy frequency vibration The Holy Lineage Of Christ One Who Understands Mysteries december the twenty fifth. ..... speaks for itself A Door to another dimension New Moons And Solar Eclipse twenty four seven (my birthdays the 24th, his is the 7th) the victory of the lamb multidimensional royal regiment of scotland Golden Gate Sacrifice Gods Gift Clairvoyant The Chosen One The Two Appointed Ones Leaving For Heaven David And Daughter Of The Oath Are One Almighty God Roars Upon His Throne Powerful Great Grandma The Lord On Earth Donald Trump Assassination Lords Alignment The Lord Gods Here God Is Really Here God Birthdate Encoded End Of Times God Code The Code Of The Lord Lord Birthday Code Gods Provable Code Gods Alive Loser Access Into Heaven Twenty Three The Anunnaki Gods Jesus Is Coming A True Prophet The Seventh Seal What is Jesus's number? 888 Apollo Is The Beast Of Revelation See Fulfillment Of The Book Of Isaiah Prophecy The Serpent In Genesis Describes The Mark Of The Beast See The Forced Evil Mark Of The Beast Foiled The Victory Of The Lamb May The Lord Fill Your Heart Two Masters Is Cancer (steez and I are both Cancer) God Of Eternity We Are God Twins Maker Of New Earth A Two Edged Swords Xanax Vicodin Addiction (i struggled with bad) The Bible Is Intentionally Concealing Information The Galactic Jesus the Anointed One Moses Will Come The King Is Coming Miraculously Encoded By God Pyramids On Mars Forests On Mars Holy Spirit Of Zeus We Are Absolute Infinite Sent By The Gods Powerful Great Grandma999 Burning Alive The Gang Stalkers. (long story short I was a victim of whay they call gangstalking when I was reaching my peak or enlightenment and have been trying to get back to that state again, all I can describe it as is demonic torment) Enoch 777 on YouTube speaks on it good.) A Fourty Seven Mandating The Poisonous Jabs Knowledge Of God Brings Eternal Life Death Isnt So Scary Anymore Invictus Sol The Lion And The Lamb https://imgur.com/gallery/ztGPJGS The Lord Is Here Coming To Restore The Eternal Kingdom The Blood Of The Lamb Contact With A God Revival Jesus The Annointed One the key to it all I Am The Holy Grail Sun Moon Earth Revelation Nine Spirit World I Am The One Lord Jesus Christ I Know All Codes And Connections The Wisdom Of God Word Of The Lord Quantum Entanglement Theory The Anunnaki Path Almighty God Roars Upon His Throne 173 Enoch Chapter Ninety Five Pyramids Have Hidden Chambers Music Is My Life Revelation Five Everyone Is God Forever Jesus Walking With God Vision Of Gabriel New Revelation Seven Wonders Symbiotic Craft Thank You James (my middle name is James) Words Of The Bible Isaiah Fourteen Thirteen Trumps Last Son He Is Jesus Crown Chakra God Is You Gods In A Body The Resurrection Of Life The Book Lj Enoch King Jesus Gods Wrath We Are At War Truth Hidden In Plain Sight Double Conciousness The Anointed Lay Dead On The Cross Dragon Of China Is The Anti Christ. A Seed Of Jesse Angelic Guidance Black Pyramid Hidden Truth In Plain Sight King Messiah Heavens Dream Let The Decoding Fun Begin Add Up Letters Notorious Names The Child Of Christ Aliens Exist Spirit Of Moses C E R T I F I C A T E Of Baptism Of The Lord Of Christ Alchemist Fluoride To Heaven God Is Number Codes Numerical Language Learning Decoding Is Fun The Lord Of The Messiah The Book Of Hidden Messages Eight Eight Eight Nine Nine Nine Lost Books Of The Bible Rna Vaccine Maternal Ancestors Are Of Royal Descent You Are Gifted Frequency Turn Off Your Smart Phone I Am Eternal Life David Christ Gods Son The Sound Of Jesus Coming Help Others Realize Full Potential Implants During Surgical Procedures The Solar System And Thoughts The Reincarnation Of King David King David Divine Dna Is Activated Jesus Returns To Earth The Lion Of Judah Is With Us (Steez would speak about Judah)
Jamal Dewar; psalm twenty three Jesus son of God Nathan Day Revelation fourteen one Spiritual warfare Gang Stalker (experienced this myself) Satanic Cults Commit Suicide forty seven problem Bloodline of Jesus Christ The End (when this came up my jaw dropped.) And the God of peace shall bruise Satan under your feet shortly The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you Amen The Holy Mother of Jesus christ Are you ready for whats coming july seventh twenty eighteen
Courtney Jamal Dewar, Jr: The Book Of Revelations Vibrational frequency MELBOURNE VICTORIA AUSTRALIA (where I live) Christ Resurrection Satan Rules The World The Divine Bloodline of Christ synchronization Biblical Prophecy Capital steez Exodus Luke The Divine Bloodline of David Second Christ The Return of Christ Jesus Resurrection Jesus Christ Bloodline
I added stuff from my name as it was so coincidental I didn't think to label them at first I just wrote down anything I thought added up This is just deep research into who reminds me of myself My instagram is mistapitty Listen to The Resurrection by Pitty https://on.soundcloud.com/Xn3nN
Listen to Revelation 22 by Pitty https://on.soundcloud.com/gBAja
Peep his song "Free The Robots" https://youtu.be/XcmR8DxuHBA
STEEZ has definitely made a positive impact on this world by introducing a new way of thinking and spirituality, even more of an impact than a lot of artists who are still alive... Capital STEEZ was 19 at the time of his death.
There are four gospel accounts of Jesus' life and ministry. Each of these emphasizes a unique aspect of his sacrifice and ministry. Matthew's focus is on Christ being the son of David and a King.
Look into the etymology of your name. - What Does Nathan Mean? The name Nathan means “Gift of God” or “God has given.” In the Old Testament, Nathan was a prophet and one of King David's sons; he acted as a messenger to King David and is considered one of Jesus' ancestors. (David name of my biological grandfather) (James is my middle name) - James is a classic, traditional and Biblical name (Saint James, of course, was Jesus's brother and one of the 12 apostles) meaning "supplanter" or "replacer." It's derived from the Latin Jacomus which also means "may God protect.
Every letter to Capital STEEZs full name calculates to 147 when done in reverse on the gematria calculator and mine equals to exactly 470 when done in reverse.
"Nathan James Cavanagh Sciarra" = 470 (Reverse Reduction) N a t h a n 104 13 26 7 19 26 13 J a m e s 87 17 26 14 22 8 C a v a n a g h 159 24 26 5 26 13 26 20 19 S c i a r r a 120 = 470 8 24 18 26 9 9 26 Reverse = 470
"Capital STEEZ" = 47 (Reduction) C a p i t a l 26 3 1 7 9 2 1 3 S T E E Z 21 = 47 1 2 5 5 8 Reduction = 47
"Courtney Everald Jamal Dewar" = 147 (Reverse Reduction) C o u r t n e y 41 6 3 6 9 7 4 4 2 E v e r e s t 41 4 5 4 9 4 8 7 J a m a l 35 8 8 5 8 6 D e w a r 30 = 147 5 4 4 8 9 Reverse = 147
On June 24th 2022: Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn are lining up in the pre-dawn sky, a planetary procession that could be seen above the eastern horizon And what’s even more remarkable about this month’s lineup is that the planets are arranged in their natural order from the sun. The best day to see the spectacle will likely be the morning of June 24 of 2022, weather permitting, as the planetary parade will be joined by the waning crescent moon. This is three days after the summer solstice (or winter in australia), which is June 21. What makes this so unique is the last time we had 5 planets aligned in this fashion, was in March of 1874.
All of the "classical" planets will be viewable in the early morning skies of June 24th 2022. Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn will be visible, all apparent to the naked eye even under urban light pollution. On the 24th, our moon will be situated between Venus and Mars, so you could say the Earth-Luna system will complete the "perfect" alignment. Under the darkest skies, one will be able to see seven planets in one sweeping gaze. The same year December 24th (25th in Australian time) the planets will align in their correct order outward from the sun for the second time this year, after a pre-dawn alignment in June was on my birthday. STEEZ is said to have died on the 24th of December 👉 https://imgur.com/gallery/0RVIxxA
In australian time it would've been the 25th as we are a day ahead
Alternatively, 25 December may have been selected owing to its proximity to the winter solstice because of its symbolic theological significance. After the solstice, the days begin to lengthen with longer hours of sunlight, which Christians see as representing the Light of Christ entering the world. This symbolism applies equally to the celebration of the Nativity of Saint John the Baptist on 24 June, near the summer solstice, based on John's remark about Jesus "He must increase; I must decrease." John 3:30 NRSV.[59] Now check out the following texts from the bible, they speak of the solstice here. 👉 https://imgur.com/gallery/0RVIxxA and I thought I should add this as it seemed to be quite a coincidence of the date i posted this somg and the content of the posts she made. It aligned with those geomatria calculations I made and i wish I could document snd explain why certain ones just synchronzie but it'd be to hard to comphrened.
"AFTER THE SOLSTICE, THE DAYS BEGIN TO LENGTHEN WITH LONGER HOURS OF SUNLIGHT, WHICH CHRISTIANS SEE AS REPRESENTING THE LIGHT OF CHRIST ENTERING THE WORLD. THIS SYMBOLISM APPLIES EQUALLY TO THE CELEBRATION OF THE NATIVITY OF SAINT JOHN THE BAPTIST ON 24 JUNE, NEAR THE SUMMER SOLSTICE, BASED ON JOHN'S REMARK ABOUT JESUS "HE MUST INCREASE; I MUST DECREASE." JOHN THE BAPTIST ANNOUNCES THE COMING OF THE LIGHT THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE, JOHN THE BAPTIST, ANNOUNCES THE COMING OF JESUS, THE COMING OF NEW TIMES, JOHN ANNOUNCES THAT GOD IS GRACIOUS TO HIS PEOPLE BY ANNOUNCING THE COMING OF THE SON OF GOD. BEHOLD, HE IS COMING WITH THE CLOUDS, AND EVERY EYE WILL SEE HIM, EVEN THOSE WHO PIERCED HIM; AND ALL THE TRIBES OF THE LAND WILL MOURN OVER HIM.” –ZECHARIAH 12:10-14; DANIEL 7:13-14 SO IT IS TO BE. AMEN (AGREED, YESHUA HIMSELF IS THE AMEN 3:14). “I KEPT LOOKING IN THE NIGHT VISIONS, AND BEHOLD, WITH THE CLOUDS OF HEAVEN ONE LIKE A SON OF MAN WAS COMING."
John the Baptist day is 24th of June.
"The flower of life, represents global consciousness and like there's this thing on the consciousness grid, the last piece, it has to be the flower of life and it has to align with the sun and all that stuff and it will wake up global consciousness & as i further in my ascension I hope to build it one day" "Some people might think this type of thinking, first of all this type of thinking might jump over a lot of people's heads" "I think humans need to lighten up, maybe try lighten up" - STEEZ
Someone regarding STEEZ: "Did he think there were codes in the Bible or something? I’ve heard him say he knows the “code” does anyone know what the code is? He was a truly enlightened person I wish I could understand him better."
STEEZ supposedly said he had to die now in order to save the Earth in 2047, which is when the world is supposed to end. Before he killed himself his friends say he withdrew not only from them, but rap in general, saying he was going to become a superhero.
(My birthday)24th of June 1999 = 2+4+6+1+9+9+9 = 40 STEEZ birthday) 7th of July 1993 = 7+7+1,993 = 2007.) 40 + 2007 = 2047
Now read a conversation he had on Facebook prior to death https://www.kanyetothe.com/threads/rip-capital-steez.354864/page-42?post_id=16781894&nested_view=1&sortby=oldest#post-167818 His song Dead Prez (credit to who found these calculations as this wasn't mine) If you wanna conspire a little, we technically have had 46 different president so far, tho truly only 45 different guys have been in office. This year, if we elect a new president they will be our 47th prezident. You could say that happens when the next president is elected, or when the second new president is elected because then there'd actually be 47 different people. On the contrary, you could predict that once 47 presidents have died, something very significant will happen because the song is about DEAD presidents. It'll happen in most of our lifetimes i wonder what will happen 2047?
https://imgur.com/a/bOpRy
FORTY, THE NUMBER: "Forty days was the period from the resurrection of Jesus to the ascension of Jesus some scholars note that 40 days in the Bible doesn't always mean 40 days literally, but may be a symbolic way of saying "a longer time. A master number and part of the “awakening code”. Also Jose Arguelles’s kin is 11 – he brought forth the Law of Time aka the World Thirteen Moon Cale In the Bible, next to the number seven, the number forty occurs most frequently.
Here's an article on Fader that's kind of aligns some things I've discovered.
https://www.thefader.com/2013/11/26/capital-steez-king-capital
Check out these images, not a lot of people would've seen these: h ttp://i.imgur.com/nPE90.png / http://i.imgur.com/sHtdM.png / http://i.imgur.com/ZcNu2.png - he thought he was the alchemist that had the key for world peahttp://i.imgur.com/ZcNu2.png Deshay posted this on Facebook after his immediate death: "Fxck.... This shxt jus rly fxcked me up. Me and Steezus JUST made plans to record on Saturday now hes gone. RIP Capital STEEZ" Joey said he believed he sacrificed himself for spiritual rebirth.
The End THE WIDELY ACCEPTED STORY is that Courtney ‘Jamal’ Dewar committed suicide by jumping off the Cinematic Music Building in Manhattan on 23.12.12 – which equals 47, the rapper’s favourite number. None of the city’s newspapers reported his death. As a result of inconsistent stories and a lack of police intelligence, confusion surrounds the heart-breaking event for the Dewar family. In a 2013 interview with Fader, an anonymous member of Pro Era said, “STEEZ told some of the Pros that he was thinking of killing himself by jumping off the building where Cinematic had its offices.” Dirty Sanchez a close friend of the late rapper recalled, “Nothing was working. Nothing. It was like too late. He made up his mind already.”
Today I will be briefly explaining the practice of Gematria. Gematria comes from ancient Jewish mysticism. It is the practice of combining the letter with the number, with the word. It is said this is how God created the world.
How does it work? Gematria has 4 major ciphers. The first two are easy as ABC, literally. For example A=1 B=2 C=3. And so on. The code can also be read backward from Z to A. This is called reverse ordinal. There are two more ciphers that are equally important but a bit more nuanced so for the sake of clarity I’ll leave those explanations to the work of Zachary K Hubbard. But to put Gematria into usable terms I’m gonna explain a decode I did recently. If you want to decode a word or phrase without doing the math yourself, there is an extremely helpful calculator at gematrinator.com it will give you all four cipher values for your word or phrase in an instant, as well as compare it with corresponding ciphers. Without further ado let’s look at this example:
Here I will outline some interesting numbers that coincide with the rapper Capital STEEZ and the numbers surrounding the music industry as well as numbers that come up with race, and other things I found eye grabbing.
(Credit to another user on here) First off I’ll start with Capital STEEZ, The interesting number here is the full reduction number, 47. It’s eye grabbing for many reasons, but we’ll start with a little back ground. Before Capital STEEZ’s (aka Jamal Dewar) death (suicide) in 2012, STEEZ was apart of an up and coming rap group known as Progressive Era, or ProEra for short. A known staple among these young men were the belief in “47 chakras” and “indigo children”. The two are a topic on their own, but the interesting part is that such a powerful number in Jamal Dewar’s life also coincides with the Gematria of his rap name. But that’s not it! Let’s continue
Capital STEEZ English ordinal: 137
Full reduction: 47
Reverse ordinal: 187 ( see pushed off a roof)
Reverse full reduction :70
Now keep an eye on 70, as we shall see him more as well.
Next we will decode the gematria of the reported means of STEEZ’s death, suicide. This is where I admittedly started getting intrigued.
Gematria of Suicide:
English Ordinal: 70
Full reduction: 34
Reverse ordinal:119
Reverse full reduction: 47
Wow. The exact same values but flipped.
Just a mere coincidence I’m sure But let’s continue .
With these next two we will see two repeats of values, one new value, 88 and a previously used value, 34. As well as 65
Jamal Dewar
English ordinal: 88
Full reduction: 34
Reverse ordinal: 182
Reverse full reduction: 65 ————————— Phrase: pushed off the roof
English Ordinal: 187
Full reduction: 88
Reverse ordinal: 245
Reverse full reduction: 65
And the next term we will decode will be Jamal’s occupation of rapper. Here we will see a reverse of our main number in question, 47, which I’ve found to be reoccurring as well.
Rapper
English ordinal: 74
Full reduction: 38
Reverse ordinal: 88
Reverse full reduction: 34
I’m beginning to sense a bit of a pattern here... But let me move on Now it’s time to get a little spicy
Jamal Dewar commited suicide on the night of December 23, 2012, though his wiki has his death on the 24 I believe as it was around midnight. Many articles coming out about his death including one I read from thefader.com reported his death on the 23rd. I specifically remember this detail because I was a huge fan of his and Pro Era at the time and it was a huge loss to the community.
December is the 12th month
12
23
12
Care to guess what that equals?
Yep. 47
Here are some other related phrases put into the gematrinator calculator:
Brooklyn New York (where proera is from)
223 79 182 74
Suicide by fall 128 56 223 79
Are you seeing the synchronization of these seemingly unrelated words and phrases?.
The word murder and murdered both have synchronized gematria with Jamal. We also see another repeat with 38, also found in the full reduction of the word rapper.
Murder
English ordinal: 79
Full reduction: 34
Reverse ordinal: 83 (38 reverse)
Reverse full reduction: 38
Murdered ,interestingly enough, though only being two letters away from murder, is actually more closely related numerically to jamals name and the word rapper, But there are similarities abound. Murdered.
English ordinal: 88
Full reduction: 43 (34 reverse)
Reverse ordinal: 128
Reverse full reduction: 47
Wow. This one really stands out to me. Every single number code number is used in the over all code of Capital steez just in this one word.
We see the repeats of 88 and 47 as well as the reverse of 34 for the first time and a repeat in the numbers of 128, which we saw as 182 above.
This one is slightly unrelated so I left it sort of by itself but I still maintain it’s validity as it’s use in the music industry is still relevant. That is the word racist. Race is huge in the overall narrative that msm tries to portray.
Racist
English ordinal: 70
Full reduction:25
Reverse ordinal: 92
Reverse full reduction: 47
racist and suicide are perfect matches on the front end and back end. 70 and 47.
Here’s another nugget.
The phrase : jumped to his death
English ordinal: 178 (pushed off the roof 187)
Full reduction: 70 (pushed off the roof 88)
Reverse ordinal:254 (pushed off the roof 245)
Reverse full reduction :83 (pushed off the roof 65)
Leap also shares 34 and 84.
Suicided 74 38 142 52
Occult
English ordinal: 74
Full reduction: 20
Reverse ordinal:88
Reverse full reduction:34
3 more repeats
The year of his suicide was a leap year
Leap year
English ordinal:83 Full reduction: 38 Reverse ordinal:133 Full res verse reduction: 43
Target audience: 133 61 245 83 Suicidal: 78 33 138 57 Hidden mission: 142 70 209 74 Some of these numbers are conjecture but there’s a lot of links between the numbers. 47/74 being the one of the more prominent, as well as 83/38, 34/43, 70, 245/254, 88, 33, 29/92/209, 182/128 all of these numbers connect in one way or another. Now it wouldn’t mean much if we didn’t know more about the nature of these numbers and how and where they appear. But since these number keep popping up in accordance to things like CONTROL GRID or MYSTERY RELIGION or SUPREME MATHEMATICS it seems almost impossible for it to be mere coincidence. Anyways I urge you guys to think for yourself and put in some work and see if you can find any use of this practice. God bless
Ps:
STEEZ’s debut album ”amerikkkan korruption” Came out on 4-7-2012 another 47. Vibration equals 47
A theory out there is that the cabal needed him to die because STEEZ was really bringing influence to more and more young minds with knowledge and the way STEEZ attacked and exposed certain things is not a good thing for those in power, the label that Joey wanted to sign when they were pro era, was a Jewish man named Jonny Shipes. if you’ve extensively went down the “rabbit hole”, like extensively, and you’d say you’re pretty “woke” (I hate that word), then you may know that most labels especially Jewish owned labels are basically the portals into The Illuminati cult, the Jesuit organization that controls the entire world. Oh and remember the news outrage, and investigation because of the 47 “swa stikkas” all over NY, yea you think these Jonny Shipes fucked with that? Nah. But this is all speculation.
It wasn’t long after Capital STEEZ's unfathomable passing on 12/23/12 – 12+23+12 = 47), which was only days after December 21, 2012, the precise date calculated by the great Mayans to be the end of a Great Cycle, that I received knowledge & became aware of the Law of Time. This seemingly new cosmology felt ancient and I quickly realized it had EVERYTHING to do with Synchronicity! I even found the number 47 to be ever ubiquitous throughout this 13 Moon calendar system.
"The next chapter is unstoppable. And yet, the greatest revolutions sometimes originate from the confines of impossibility, do they not? Break the code. It could make a leap and make possible a decision that defines the order of things that are." " Reality is a mathematical model which gets solved over and over again by the observer your thoughts are computations. And they render this world for you to call your own. Not all processors are alike. Different brains produce different realities. The variations go from the subtle to the drastic. Your mind defines how much you can taste. How much you can feel. How much you can understand. Perception defines perspective. We designed you and made sure to engineer your senses so you could perceive just what we needed you to. Neither more nor less. There are parts of time we preferred you remained blind to. It was a necessity."
The Law of Time, I found to hold the most profound yet simple teaching; our Time is not Money, Time is Art. I was able to grasp a greater vision of how we as humans have created an artificial timing system where our time here equates to how much money we can accumulate, where we are constantly stressed by this false belief of our making, and where there is never enough time… This system of our making and continuous propagation has only served to separate us from our Selves, from each other, and ultimately, from nature. Hence, resulting in the chaos and disharmony prevalent in the world today.
What is the greatest common factor of 23 & 47? 1 is the greatest number that 23 & 47 is divided to. The Chosen One @mistapitty ㄣ

First, a little about me. I'm 5'5ish, 135ish depending on the day, and have dark brown hair that falls part way down my back with brown eyes. My mom is a Crow (Native American) and my dad is Italian so the olive complexion genes are active in my family. I've got a fairly petite/athletic build with a 32B chest and a toned butt. My nipples are dark brown, on the smaller side, and I shave everywhere. I'm a fan of tattoos and have a feather on my foot, flower pieces on my right hip into my lower ribs, left shoulder, and lower back, a small script piece in my left side bra line, a green carebear in my left bikini line and a large dream catcher down my left ribs. If there's a detail I've left out, feel free to ask ;)
What a week. 18 year old me had gone from a dry spell since AIT and graduation to a blow job, facial, and quick hard sex with a married captain at my first duty station. I was falling fast and hard for him. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to think of me when he thought of being intimate. I wanted to be his release to do everything she wouldn't.
Dustin snapped me this morning, a pic of his obvious buldge greeting my day. "How's my little Private this morning? I wish you were here to help with this"....You have no idea Dustin. Now that the bandaid has been ripped off, I want nothing more than to keep going. I send him a snap back of my semi sheer, black athletic thong, holding it open in the front with the caption "you could drop your load right in here sir". Naughty I know. For some reason, the thought of him filling my underwear with cum is erotic and in the moment, I crave the feel of his warmth between my legs.
"Come by the house on your lunch break and you can have it" I get in reply. Fuck.
I get dressed in my camo uniform with a generic sports bra and the same black athletic thong underneath and try make it through the morning as routinely as possible. Not possible. All I can think of is what I'm willing to do for the married man I'm lusting for and it's got my mind anywhere but at work.
Dustin let's me know he left early for lunch so he's ready whenever I am. The whole drive over, my mind is racing at the prospect of what's about to happen. I knock and find the door open, with Dustin on the couch, laptop open to some semi sexy photos I'd sent to tease him over the last week while he strokes his firm shaft. "Private Hannah reporting as ordered sir" I say as sexily as I can muster in the spur of the moment.
"Private Hannah, you said you'd found a place to hold my cum" completely keeping character.
"Yes sir" I say, stepping around to stand in front of him, undoing my belt and the buttons on my pants, letting them drop to the floor around my ankles.
"Open up then, I'm already close since you decided to be late"
I hold open the front of my black athletic thong, exposing my shaved pubic area for his inspection.
"At least you remembered to shave to start the week" he says and he builds the pace of his stroking and touches the tip of his penis against my smooth skin. In moments I see him start to swell as he nears his release. A thick rope of white cum erupts from his tip and is followed by a second, third, and fourth. My underwear is filled with his thick, warm release and soon its soaked, mixing with my own minor arousal that has built at the situation. As he finishes, I let go of my waistband and allow my cum soaked thong to cling to my lower lips, teasing me with what could have been.
I pull my pants back up and stand breathless in front of eachother. It's been less than 10 minutes since I walked through the door, we've barely spoken and now his cum is dripping down my inner thigh. What has happened? I feel like an incredibly erotic play thing that's been used for a passing moment of pleasure and right then, I know I'm hooked.
"Hannah, I'm sorry if that was too much" Dustin says, coming to the realization that I'm now back in uniform with his cum filling my panties.
I kiss him square on the lips. "Shhhh babe. I wanted this. I want all of you"
"So you really liked that?"
"Dustin that has got to be one of the hottest things I've ever tried. I'm not changing for work"
I sit on his couch in a pool of his release while we chat for the remainder of our lunch hour. When it's time to go, I feel a glob of him drip down my leg. "Can I come spend the night tonight?" I ask, hoping to get my own release after work.
"Sure hun, I just have a few calls to make but it's okay"
I head back to work with a kiss goodbye and the rest of the day I can feel the stickiness between my legs and it keeps me on edge. I run back to my barracks room, take a fast shower, grab a change of clothes for tomorrow, and something special for tonight. I throw on some gym shorts and a hoodie over my sports bra. Coupled with my slides and I'm back across post and find a note on the door "on a call, be quite when you come in"
I come in and quietly shut the door and make my way past Dustin in the livingroom, obviously on a video chat with someone with the screen facing the wall to the garage. I hear a woman's voice say "oh man those walls are paper thin, I think I just heard the neighbors kids come home from school"
Oh shit, he's on with his wife I realize as I tiptoe my way to the master bedroom where I change into my suprise. Naked in his bedroom, I slip into a teal, sheer lace bra with enough underwire support to give me a little cleavage. I pull on a matching set of panties with an intricate sheer lace front and a single thin string between my cheeks in the back. I fold up my sticky cum soaked thong from earlier and walk back into the livingroom.
Dustin does a double take as I come around the corner. He covers this with a coughing fit as his wife asks if he's okay. "Yeah hun just had an itch in my throat" and they continue chatting, her oblivious to the fact that I've just sat down across from him.
I look him square in the eyes as I begin to tease my dark brown nipples through my sheer lace bra. As he tries to hold a conversation, I do everything I can to lightly tease him. I pinch and massage my breasts, softly run a finger between my legs on top of my lacy bottoms. I stand up and start to stretch, bending forward to let my small breasts hang just out of sight of his camera before turning around and bending forward, reaching back to spread my bum and letting the g-string bury itself between my cheeks, barely keeping my other tight hole from view.
I turn back around and unfold the sticky thong he came in earlier and hold it up for him to see the stain his release left on them, right between the legs. I pull my teal lace thong down in the front, and standing right behind his computer, I begin to lightly tease myself with the soft fabric of the back athletic thong, gently massaging my clit, resoaking the nearly dry panties with another round of sexual arousal.
As my arousal grows, I gradually push into my slick entrance and with one finger and then another, the soft athletic fabric of my underwear once again getting soaked as I rub my clit with them, teasing myself with the over stimulating feel against my raw bundle of nerves. I squat down, my face now right behind the computer screen as I squeeze my breast and open my mouth in a silent moan, performing for the man who can't respond.
All of a sudden I stop, ending my tease at the edge of release, not wanting to slip and give away what's going on...and to tease Dustin further. I stand up, place the arousal and cum soaked black thong on the table right behind his laptop and I walk to the kitchen and begin working on dinner with whatever ingredients I can scrounge up in the kitchen. It's such a turn on to do such a normal task in such a small set of lingerie and I secretly hope that Dustin is sneaking peeks at me from across the house.
At long last I feel warm, strong hands wrap around my waist and a kiss finds my cheek. "How's my baby girl, you little tease?"
I blush at the pet name the gentle touch. "I'm almost done, go sit down you silly boy" I say as I start to plate our dinner of chicken and grilled veggies, sauntering into the dining room like a server at one of those lingerie sports bars.
"So you sure know how to put on a show, Hannah" Dustin says as we begin to eat
"I can be anything you want me to be" I say as I begin a speech I'd thought through in my head, telling Dustin that I don't want casual, I want to be the girl he craves, the one who does the things that no one else does, who let's him try the things he's only imagined I'm his wildest sessions alone with himself.
"What do you get out of all of this?" He asks, questioning this step towards commitment.
"I get to explore myself and act out my cravings without having to deal with all the rumors of barracks and searching for guys to feel safe with. I don't want to be your wife. I just want you to forget her when your with me, and I want you to think of me when you choose how to play"
"Well if you're going to explore, we're going to have to push you out of your comfort zone and actually find new places and things to try"
My heart is racing as fantasies flood through my mind. "What do you have in mind?"
"Just play along with different roles and we'll see what happens baby girl"
Baby girl....is this role number one? Does Dustin think that with our 8 year age gap and my petite frame that we could play out what I think he wants to play? I did just tell him that I want to be the one he thinks of.
"Yes daddy"
"Good Girl"
I. Am. Wet.
"So what did you have in mind for dessert baby girl?"
I stand up, clean up, take Dustin by the hand. "These can end up on the floor too" i say motioning to my sheer lingerie.
"Not yet" he replies, guiding me back to the bedroom.
I find myself once again on Dustin's bed, this time guided into the center, onto my hands and knees. With gentle pressure between my shoulder blades, I drop to my elbows, arching my back and exposing my entrances to open view, my modesty preserved only by the thin g-string buried between my cheeks.
Dustin pulls that to the side, bringing my arousal fully into view. I shudder as a soft, wet tongue traces it's way teasingly between my parted lips, beginning at the bundle of nerves aching in my core and ending in the tight wet hole that's been longing to be filled since I started my teasing back at lunch. I moan a soft sigh of want as Dustin licks me again and again, using his thumbs to spread me open before teasing the inner entrance of my now soaked vagina with his oral stimulation.
After a few breathless minutes of almost over the edge teasing with his tongue, Dustin traces his tongue higher. My eyes go wide and my breath catches in my throat as his tongue glides across my other hole. After a brief pause, he repeats his elongated trail of tongue teasing a second and third time, ending on my bum every time.
I moan "Don't stop, daddy" as his tongue lingers on my hole, swirling around my rear entrance as his calloused fingers reach between my legs to tease my clit. I am so close as his tongue makes headway into my hole which is opening up for him at his constant stimulation.
"I'm going to fill you up baby girl" Dustin leans down and whispers in my ear, his tongue momentarily replaced by his thumb pressing further into my bum, slick with his saliva.
"Please daddy" I moan in reply, eager to keep my promise to do everything his wife won't do.
Dustin pulls away completely and reaches into his wife's nightstand. I see him pull out a bottle of lube and a silver plug with a red jeweled heart on the end, still in its packaging, unopened, unplayed with. I know what's coming and why we're playing this out right now.
Dustin removes the plug from its package and holds it tip first up to my lips. I know what he wants without saying a word. I stick out my tongue and lightly tease the cold metal tip, softly swirling circles around it, further and further down until I bob my head down, taking the whole plug in my mouth and closing my lips around the base. I look up at Dustin, the jeweled heart of the plug between my lips and softly moan in anticipation.
He pulls it out of my mouth and I seductively tease the tip one last time. "Wanna stick it in my ass daddy?" I beg as sexily as possible. After a few seconds of fumbling around with the lube bottle, I feel the cold liquid land on my hole, followed by a finger gently probing my already relaxed entrance. A moment later, the finger is replaced by the cold lubed plug and my breath catches in my throat as I stretch around the plug before closing down tightly on the base. Dustin moves my g-string back into place, covering my soaking wet lips and holding the plug firmly in my butt.
I look back at him pleadingly. I know I teased you hard earlier but if you stop now, this is just cruel. "Daddy please" I say breathlessly, not wanting the stimulation to stop while also acutely aware of the fullness inside my rear.
"Please what?"
"Please fuck me daddy"
"You have two options Hannah. You teased me, so this is a tease for you. You can go to bed, right now, right like this, or you can get your punishment and then a reward like a good girl. Bed or a spanking, your choice"
"Spank me Daddy" I beg without a moment's hesitation
smack the sharp crack of Dustin's hand on my bare cheek takes me by suprise and I clench hard on the plug inside my bum. "Oh fuck daddy" I moan in a mix of pain and pleasure. smack smack smack come three more successive blows, landing on alternating cheeks. I moan almost tearfully as my arousal builds to the point that I'm literally ready to beg for release.
"Daddy please fuck me. Do whatever you want just let me cum please"
A firm tug pulls my g-string down to my knees, still on all fours with my face in the pillows. A hard shaft rubs between my lower lips, finds my eager entrance, and in one firm thrust is buried all the way inside me. I cry out, looking back over my shoulder at Dustin who looks like a man possessed with the overwhelming urge to use me for his pleasure, and in that moment, it's all I want as well.
His firm hands grip my hips and I arch my back, throwing myself back against him to meet his own rapid thrusts. My cheeks clap a faster and faster pace as the overwhelming feeling of being completely filled mixes with the intense pleasure of the moment. I'm red faced and breathless, moaning Dustin's name as he continues in an unrelenting pace, thrusting in and out, in and out. At one point he pulls my face out of the pillows, gripping my long dark hair by my ponytail and commands "You're gonna be a good girl and cum for daddy"
He releases my hair but I remain facing forward, head up and moaning through the moment "Yes daddy, oh my fuuuuuuuuuckkkk" comes from my innocent lips as he simultaneously pulls out the buttplug and buries himself all the way inside me as I can feel him swell and begin to release against my cervix.
"That's right daddy, cum inside my pussy" I beg as he thrusts again and again as my inner walls clench down and my own release spills out of me, uncontained as I find one of the strongest orgasms of my life. His thrusts slow and eventually he pulls out, leaving me leaking cum and lube from both my holes.
He returns with a warm towel and begins to clean me off as I sit up, still in my sheer bra, and kiss him firmly on the lips. "That was incredible, daddy" I whisper, my forehead resting against his as he finishes cleaning my sensitive areas.
"Would you like to rinse off?"
I reply yes and he runs us a sensual warm shower, where nothing but gentle washing and a few lingering kisses happens. He's patient as I take extra time under the soothing water and wraps me in a soft towel when I get out.
As we get dressed into comfy pajama shorts and tshirts, I ask "so was I a good girl, daddy?"
"The best. I think we should stick with this role for awhile if you're into it"
After the time I had tonight, I'm more than willing to play along. We discuss some likes and dislikes and limits (nothing that leaves a mark where I'll have to answer questions about it at work), and reagree that none of this is a thing on the few occasions that his wife visits during her internship. And duh, no telling work, that would fuck us both.
We end the night with gentle pillow talk, and he asks if,for the role, I'd be willing to let him help me get dressed in the mornings, helping me pick out bras and undies from a selection of things I'd actually wear to work. I welcome the increased interaction and dedicated time to talk every morning without a second thought, and I fall asleep with his arm wrapped around me from behind, his strong hand under my tshirt, soothingly placed on my bare stomach, just below my belly button and just teasingly far enough into the area covered by a bikini. I'm in heaven.

So, I had a planned C-Section for 5/13/24 (also my 30th birthday) but went into labor on Mother’s Day. I had a fairly uneventful pregnancy other than a fall over a month before I was in labor. I went into the hospital for that and had many tests and 24 hour monitoring but all went well.
On 5/12 they decided to go ahead and do my C-Section and Tubal. When my baby boy was born they just rushed off with him and I didn’t hear him cry. They told me he had been sitting in his Meconium for a few hours and had breathed it in. They later came in and said they weren’t sure how long he went without breathing and were unsure if he had any brain damage and were worried of seizures so they recommended Full Body Cooling. He then did this for 72 hours.
Once they removed him from cooling he quickly went to a CPAP with nitrous. He was on this for about 48 hours. Once he was off the nitrous he started getting ganache of formula. Within about 72 hours he’s up to 50ml and he’s off CPAP on 2 liters and 20.5%.
All this to say, yesterday I was able to bottle feed him. He did PERFECT. Ate all of it, I was SO excited. But then for the next feed they said he is breathing to fast again for bottles and they have been doing the ganache for almost every feeding.
So now we are just in this cycle of waiting for him to slow his breathing and take a bottle. We have no time frame for when he can come home. We have a 3 year old at home sad that mommy and daddy keep leaving without him and he wants to meet his brother.
I’m trying so hard to be positive but I feel like I’m constantly picking between my 2 boys and there is no end in sight. This is truly the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Hey everyone,
A bit about me: I grew up in a toxic household with an alcoholic abusive single mother. She had anywhere from 15-20 stray cats in our home that she spoiled and loved more than me. She sure made that clear! My father left me and my mother when I was two years old and he never came back. I was put into the California foster care system at age 13 due to my mother being reported multiple times by my junior high school counselor. From there I went to several mental hospitals, lockdown facilities and group homes up to my 18th birthday. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder back in my adolescent years. I haven’t been evaluated as an adult but I’m sure I would be diagnosed with MDD if I were.
I have spent almost my entire adult life doing nothing with myself. I spent a lot of time early on sleeping in my car and showering at my friends houses. My grandma in Arizona helped me out a great deal and let me stay with her and find work, and I was proud of myself although I was working a menial janitorial job at a casino. I’m pretty tech savvy and skilled with automotive repair but I never pursued further education. When my grandma passed away in 2007 I got severely depressed but I managed to get a place to live with roommates and held down a full time job, again at a casino doing janitorial work. Developed a gambling addiction and an alcohol addiction. Got a DUI in 2008 and that started my legal troubles. Lost my place and lost my job.
I slept in my car and worked at casinos doing menial work again. Met a woman at one of the jobs and got married April 2010. She had a few kids with a bunch of baby daddy drama, and I couldn’t deal with it so I just walked away and the divorce was finalized by the end of the year. I stopped drinking after that. From there I kept working until 2011, when I decided to quit my job, take my old Subaru XT and hit the road. Went all over the southwest US sleeping in the car and exploring, got a few tickets for no insurance, got my license suspended for said tickets and also for not paying my payments on the DUI. I got to Albuquerque NM and my car finally croaked on me. Transmission failure. Slept in it for a week or so in a mini-mall parking lot until the cops were called on me and unsurprisingly took my car. I was officially a street person at age 26.
I spent several years hitchhiking, panhandling, dumpster diving, hopping freight trains and finding spots to sleep or camp wherever I could. I was so depressed that I didn’t take very good care of myself and had no desire whatsoever to try to better myself and dig out of the hole I got myself into. I used to call myself an urban survivalist. I remained in this state of mind until late 2022 when dental problems nearly killed me. I finally found a place to stay in Nevada with a lady I called a foster mother but I had a very hard time getting used to being housed. I got all my teeth yanked and a set of dentures thanks to Nevada Medicaid. I got a job at a car wash for six months but gave up the job due to stress at home and workplace nepotism. I even got a few credit cards and got my score up to 719! Anyhow, foster mother was an alcoholic, she started to remind me of my biological mother and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had a few thousand dollars saved up and moved back to Arizona a couple of months ago.
I am currently at a weekly motel and have been attempting to find any work I can. Managed to get interviews for dishwasher jobs, housekeeping jobs, janitorial jobs and night crew at a grocery store. Haven’t heard back from any of them though. I have half of my savings left and it seems inevitable that I’ll run out of money pretty soon.
I have a good feeling that the ridiculously long gap of employment looks terrible on my resume and that may be a reason I’m not getting anything. I mean, what do I tell the interviewer, that I was a damn bum?
I like to think I’m pretty smart. I was disassembling and reassembling IBM PC’s before I hit puberty. I was the computer technician for my high school back in the Windows XP era. Once I started driving I began teaching myself automotive repair with Chilton and Haynes manuals along with plenty of trial and error. It blew people’s minds when I, a dirty bum, helped get their car back on the road if I noticed they needed assistance. I helped a man I met at a park and did an engine swap on his Nissan Xterra over a couple weekends in exchange for new camping gear.
I can’t get work as a mechanic or do any driving related jobs unless I get my license back and it would take a LOT of money to get it back. On top of that I have to have an ignition interlock in any vehicle I drive. I wouldn’t mind getting into computer repair but I don’t have the certification to do so, and I’ve been out of the loop for a long time. I have a MacBook Air M1 and wish I could learn a way to make money with it like some sort of remote job but that seems impossible to me at this point. I’m not selling off my electronics.
For the record, I still don’t drink and I’ve never done a hard drug in my life. I haven’t smoked weed in months so I am able to pass a drug test if I were hired somewhere. Also, I have no felonies whatsoever on my record. Some people like to be stereotypical so I figured I’d throw that out there.
I guess what I’m asking is what should I do at this point? What path would you take if you were in my shoes? I won’t lie, suicide has been on my mind a lot lately. I don’t have many friends and I don’t have any family to talk to. I don’t like being a burden on anyone. Should I just accept that I’m gonna probably be homeless again, possibly for the rest of my life? Is there anywhere in the US that I could possibly get back on my feet with some sort of labor work and a place to sleep? I’d move anywhere if I knew I had a shot. Am I a lost cause at age 38? I’d love to hear some ideas!

I just need to vent.
Don't attack me because I'm a revert, I know I made the worst decision humanly possible I don't need reminding.
I hate that I can't celebrate any of these;
• Birthdays
• Christmas (call it religious but where I'm from it's just the culture, never in my life have we celebrated for religious reasons)
• Mother's Day
• Father's Day
• Valentines Day
• New Years
• Halloween (this was always a personal favourite for me)
Please feel free to list more so I have an idea of everything else that I can't do.
I'm a young woman, why did I get myself so wrapped up in the CULT? I will never call it a religion. I've covered my Qur'an, Hadiths, Arabic learning books, you name it. When I look at them I have this extreme fear.
I have never read or learnt anything nice in Islam all you hear is Killing, fighting, death, hell, men can f all they want and f all these wives in heaven, and have all the freedom on earth they can have, meanwhile women can't do nothing...
Can't forget how I'm not allowed perfume or to trim my eyebrows because then I'll be committing Zina, and will be punished. RIDICULOUS.
I told a few Muslim ladies a few weeks back that I was having doubts, this is the exact message I got back.
"Please don’t give up be strong and don’t let Shaitan do deceive u sister"
Why is it when someone has doubts about a religion, removes the headscarf, and does something a NORMAL 22-YEAR-OLD WOMAN SHOULD BE DOING, then we're immediately told that we're either,
1) influenced by the devil 2) committing zina 3) committing Shirk (for listening to MUSIC) 4) have too many non-muslim friends and that's haram 5) Was told to sincerely repent, because I prayed for my grandfather who passed last year who suffered from a painful battle with skin&blood cancer for 8 years. I was told I was being extremely disrespectful.. me??? I'm disrespectful by praying to a "god", begging for my grandfather to go to heaven..
The list could go on & on trust me...
I'm sick of being told I'm being influenced by a devil because I want to not feel suffocated and like I'm going to have a heatstroke by removing the hijab in 30 degree c weather.
I'm sick of being told I'm being influenced by the devil because I wanted to attend a family's birthday... smh.
Anyway, if any of you guys/girls have any LOVELY pieces of info on more reasons why I should leave Islam, please feel free to comment them.
I'd be more than happy to read it.

Ps sry for the bad spelling and grammar
My step mom took it wayy to far for info my sm has been with my dad for 2and a half years and with in to months moved in with us and her little brat of a daughter to so into the story one night i went to a friends house and ended up staying the night and wean i came home i went to my room to put my stuff back and i as soon as i walked in my room i went to sit on my bed but i looked and there she was in my bed not only had she slept in my bed she pissed and shit in my bed now I understand a accident, but this was too far. She is damn near almost 9 years old. When this happened I immediately started screaming get up here now my dad comes upstairs and said what happened I said why she sleeping in my bed. She literally Peed and pooped all over my bed. This is not fair. Get her out of my room. My dad looked at me and said this isn’t your room. This is her room and your room and it’ll be her room because your room has a small room in the house. I said no I’m the oldest kid and having that lack of space is not OK for me right now upon hearing me and my dad yelling the little girl woke up and said daddy why is she yelling? Yes this little girl who I had only known for two months and my dad had been dating her mom for less at the time was calling him daddy. I turned around her and said that’s my dad, I do admit that was a little bit cruel, but I was literally probably 11 years old fast-forward a few years and I’m graduating. The last few years have been miserable. It’s at my birthday giving her presents and whatever flavor of cake she wants on my birthday or just her wrecking my milestones this was a big one and my mom planned for me. A great big party was supposed to wear silver gold or like a very nice light pink like graduation colors on my graduation day the little girl and my sm walk him both wearing big black floor length gowns with glitter and sequence. My mom immediately kicked out and my dad started protesting. I said it’s fine and let them stay all night. They were causing problems with my guest whether they were family or friends and I got up I need to leave my mom kicked them out and it was OK. It still ruined my night though after the party I checked my phone only need to be bombarded with messages from my dad saying that I was a horrible daughter and from my stepmom telling me that was horrible for kicking them out and her daughter cried on the way home, I texted back and said I don’t care. She’s ruined every aspect of my life and stole my father who I used to look up to so much constantly constantly choose her over me and my brother because we weren’t there biological kids. I said it correctly they said that we weren’t there biological kids even though he’s my biological dad, and she has no relation to me from family members all night saying how I was horrible and that I deserved to go to hell for how I’ve been treating them. My stepmom asked if we can go out for lunch together and she would pay for me I agreed for her to bombard me and basically bully me the whole time and I was I don’t talk to them later. I have a good job as a nail tech and my stepmom said that I would not serve her to my job again I bet bombarding and evil from my entire family but I just got married, I have two lovely kids and a boy and I’ve never been more happy with them out of my life

We are coming up on the 3yr mark of losing my brother. It feels like everyone is always saying "He isn't suffering with addiction anymore" and the assurance "He is in a better place." I believe both with my whole heart and most days this gives me some measure of peace. But there are days that it just makes me so angry.
He is free from pain. That is amazing. But damn he left so much pain behind for us to pick up the pieces. I would take on all the pain in the world for my brother without hesitation. But it's not just me picking up the pieces. It's his 8yr old daughter who absolutely adored him. It's his 2.5yr old daughter who never even got to meet him (his fiance was pregnant when he died).
After years of picking up the pieces of his addiction (yes I was an enabler in the beginning) it feels like I am still picking up the pieces. I see my older niece's pain and confusion. And it breaks me because there is nothing I can do about it. I tried to tell him so many times.. but he felt like he was invincible or maybe he just felt like the world was better off without him. I don't know anymore. People talk about seeing their loved ones again and the happy reunion in Heaven and while I look forward and hope for that day too..part of me wants him to meet me outside the gates so I can throat punch him or at least tell him off for leaving those babies behind like this.
Maybe that makes me selfish. Maybe it makes me a horrible person to have days I feel this way. Maybe I am just human like he was and don't have all the answers. I just miss him so much and it hurts so much watching his babies grow up without him. I know that feeling they feel because I lost my mom to a drug related death at the same age my niece lost her Daddy. I never wanted this for her. Or for them. I am so angry.

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I know a lot of us wonder how Meg affords her lifestyle and while I'm not a financial planner by day, I'd like to consider myself pretty savvy with money. I have some thoughts...
We all know that both her dad and Alex work in finance - in fact, her dad is a wealth manageportfolio manager (I believe?). I'll put money on the fact that when each of their kids were born, her parents opened custodial brokerage accounts (an investment account in your kid's name), 529's (college investment acct) and maybe even a Roth IRA's (retirement savings accts) for each of their kids. I know it was one of the first things I did when my baby was born and I got the SS#.
Let's just say that the year that Meg was born, they started with $10K. By the "magic" that is compound interest (and an estimated 10% return each year), there would be a MINIMUM of anywhere from $250K - $300K in that brokerage account today. And since her dad is works in finance, I'm sure he knew exactly what to invest in so that each of their kids would have a nice round number down the line. That $10K to start doesn't include any contributions that her parents continued to make throughout the years, or include any birthday/holiday money that was deposited and invested. That number is just based on if that $10K to start sat in the account until today. And most importantly, let's not forget about dividend payouts.
I believe she went to college, didn't finish and went to cosmetology school. That's where the 529 account would have come into play - to pay for any schooling expenses. Any left over money in that savings account probably was rolled over to her Roth IRA account for retirement.
But now let's get into her LiFeStYle. When she was married, Alex's income was obviously enough to bankroll HIS mortgage and some of her lifestyle - because she did work more back then and I'm sure what she made from that job was her "play money". And who knows, maybe she helped with a bill or two. Anyways, now that she's getting divorced and doesn't have The Bank of Alex to pay for everything, her dad probably instructed her withdraw money from her brokerage account (custodial brokerage accounts are transferred over to the child when they turn 18 or 21, I believe - depending on the state you live in) so that she would be able to support herself and N during and after her divorce.
Her dad probably calculated what her base expenses are - her rent, utilities, groceries, gas, car insurance, health insurance, etc. and came up with a solid number with a little cushion so she can still keep up with her Chick-fil-A runs and getting her nails done (I once looked through her TT and she gets them done Every.Two.Weeks. pretty much on the dot, which I personally think is a little ridiculous) This is where she had to "budget". And let's be real here (& no offense to anyone who lives in Florida), but the cost of living there is not as much as other places in the U.S. Out of curiosity, I looked up how much a tank of gas is in her city - $3.25 is the cheapest in her area. P.S. I would KILL to pay only $3+ for gas and only $2K in rent for a really nice 3 bedroom condo where I live.
So based on the cost of monthly "needs", he multiplied that by 12 and that's how much she withdrew from her brokerage account for the year. Keep in mind that your brokerage withdraws are taxed and you have to pay taxes at the end of the year which are based on your income - which is why I believe she only works part time. The more income you generate, the more taxes you're likely going to have to pay.
Let's not forget that she is technically self-employed, so everything that she buys for her booth, including her booth rental is a write off. She can even write off the gas that she uses to drive from home to the salon.
What she makes from being a hairstylist and TikTok is then her play money for her "wants". So while that might not seems like much since she works only a couple days a week, I'm sure it's enough to cover her spending habits because the rest of her living expenses have been budgeted for and the money has been pulled out of her brokerage account to cover it. But you can clearly see that she's had to personally make concessions, as some other threads have mentioned - from Publix to Aldi, from Pottery Barn to Home Goods, Starbucks to Dunkin', etc...
Alex pays for daycare and maybe a monthly payment to Meg to cover anything that N might need. The last part of that is of course an assumption.
So I don't believe that her parents are bankrolling her - they made strategic and smart choices when their kids were born so that they wouldn't have to "struggle" down the line. But in Meg's case and based on her personality of "me, me, me", all it's really doing is enabling her. Yes, she has 2 "jobs", but she's failed to mentioned how she's paying for everything else. She's not being transparent and we're not dumb. And it's what irks me about her - that she can talk sh!t about everything and everyone else, but not be real when it comes to stuff like this.
If I were her, my new angle would be "Follow along as a mom going through a divorce budgets her money on a daily basis", vs. "Follow along and listen to me bash my ex and exploit my son on a regular basis as a first- time, manic, breast-feeding mom."
Her family is clearly not old money and the last thing I'm sure they want to do as they get close to retiring is to pay out of pocket for their grown daughters B.S. And by the looks of it, I'm sure they're glad that they saved for her when she was young, or else she'd probably be living under a bridge somewhere eating mayo, Indian food packets and tinned fish. Make sure to get daddy a nice Father's day present this year, Meg.

For today's entry in my list of weird quirk ideas, I propose this:
If your opponent says more than 100 words in a row of their own volition, they can no longer harm you until the next time you speak.
The vast majority of your fighting strategy involves manoeuvring people into monologuing so that their attacks become pointless. Extremely effective against those that like the sound of their own voice!
Just get Shigaraki to go on a gamer-rage induced rant and then just run up and beat the shit out of him whilst he can't hit you back! Or ask Dabi what he thinks of Endeavor and then sprint straight through his flames whilst he screams to high heavens about his daddy issues!
However, do be warned, this is utterly useless against the vast majority of Nomu.

Setting the stage
The date is March 19, 2020. In the news, the US Senate announces a $1 trillion stimulus package to aid the American public through the Covid pandemic, the Department of Education issues guidelines for online learning, and the number of Covid-19 deaths in Italy surpasses those in China. Of less note at the time, Gig Harbor, Washington resident Erik Hasselquist posts on social media that his wife Gwendolyn has tested positive for the coronavirus. The next day, Gwen's body would be found floating in the Puget Sound. In the months and years to come, the case would receive little to no public interest. To those who knew Gwen, it would change their lives. Why does her obituary imply the virus as her cause of death, when the coroner's report rules it a suicide? How did she drive herself 15 miles (24 km) to the Tacoma Narrows Bridge shortly after taking 60 pills of benzodiazepine? Who was the man a witness claims was in the vehicle with her? Why did Erik, just months later, re-marry and move to his new wife's home country in Africa, leaving his and Gwen's two children in the US?
Before we go further, I'd like to take a moment to speak to my sources. This is not a well-known case, in fact I have found exactly zero news articles about this. If you google Gwen's name, you'll find her obituary, a single account each on Instagram and Flickr, and the websites of two true crime podcasts. Luminol has a write-up about her, but in trying to listen to the episode, I experienced a 404 error. Lastly, the Locations Unknown podcast, which has released four episodes totaling 8 hours. Each episode features a guest, Andy. An attorney by trade, Andy is not professionally associated with the case, but rather has a personal connection to the case. He is a friend of a friend to the hosts of the podcast. Locations Unknown is my go-to source for most information here, cross-referencing all other sources as needed. Locations Unknown also submitted FOIA requests to several agencies, and received the police reports from the Pierce County Sheriff's Department, which the podcast has made available on their website. Episode 50 lays the groundwork through Andy's own account of the events. Episode 53 follows up with the police reports, and episodes 66 and 68 each feature extensive interviews with Gwen's loved ones. I first listened to the podcast on Pandora, but it's also available on YouTube with some very helpful visuals. Links to all materials will be provided at the end. That out of the way, back to Gwen's story.
Gwen's disappearance
Our story takes place in Washington State. The Hasselquists live outside the town of Gig Harbor. Located at the north end of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, Gig Harbor is a small community of about 12,000. The Hasselquist home is located roughly a 15 mile (24 km) drive northwest of the bridge, in the rural, wooded community of Glencove.
On March 19, 2020, Erik posts on social media announcing Gwen's coronavirus diagnosis to friends and family. At 5:46 the next morning, Erik posts a video on Facebook from their home's Ring doorbell, announcing Gwen's disappearance and asking for help finding her. Gwen is seen exiting the home, alone. She closes the door behind her, then fumbles for nearly a minute to lock the door. She appears inebriated, lacking the dexterity to lock the door, and stands motionless for a long moment, as if dazed and confused. The video, since deleted, was described by Andy as "really creepy to watch." Later that same morning, at 7:30 AM, Erik posts on social media again: "Today I've watched the sunrise knowing my love likely didn't get to see it." Six hours after that post, around 3:20 that afternoon, police respond to a kayaker who called in reporting a body floating in the water about 6 miles (10 km) south of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. She has multiple cuts on her left hand and wrist, not believed to be self-inflicted. The police report states of the Ring video, "Gwendolyn may have had the observed injury to the back of her left hand prior to leaving the residence."
August 25, 2020, another police report is filed, stating that the police had received and reviewed the medical examiner's report. The cause of death is found to be "multiple traumatic injuries due to fall," the manner of death ruled suicide. "Additionally, benzodiazepine was detected in the decedent's blood," however the dosage and other details are not mentioned.
Gwen's car and the witness
Around midnight the previous night --that's the evening of March 19 into the early morning hours of the 20th-- a minivan had been found near the middle of the bridge by a state trooper dispatched to investigate the report of the abandoned vehicle. Upon arriving at the car, the state trooper found the van and a witness. The van appeared to have been in a crash, with every passenger-side window broken out. The witness was seen reaching into the van as the trooper arrived. Witness's behavior was described as erratic, and Trooper suspected issues of "both alcohol and mental health." Witness claims to have been offered a ride by a female driver, and that there was a passenger in the back of the van. The female stopped the car, got out, and gifted Witness the car. Officers checked the car's registration, and visited Erik's home at 12:53 that night to inform him that his vehicle had been found. Erik stated his wife was home with him, and the officer noted in the police report that Erik seemed "noticeably unphased" by his vehicle being found stolen. Because Gwen was thought to have Covid, the officers did not enter the home or verify she was there that night.
Because it was presumed to be an unreported stolen vehicle, the witness was taken into custody, at which point he amended his story. He states that he told the woman not to park on the bridge, but she seemed unresponsive. He then left the woman, but returned a short while later. As Witness was walking back towards the van, he says he saw a "dark figure" over the guard rail before the figure disappeared, but could not say it was the woman nor that the figure jumped. Witness ID'd the woman he'd talked to as Gwen based on a photo, but could not identify Erik's photo. Witness was then released from custody.
On August 31, 2020, a final, brief supplemental police report is filed. It begins, "Please note for consideration that during the course of this investigation, a number of family/friends/citizens familiar with Gwendolyn came forward with concerns that her death was not an act of suicide." It discusses her childhood abuse and recent steps to process that in therapy. She is said to be doing well, "reforging old familial bonds, expressed a positive and optimistic outlook on life, and was making plans for the future. It was discussed that she would never abandon her children intentionally." It goes on to note Erik's "concerning history" and strange behavior following Gwen's death. He is an alcoholic, has a history of domestic abuse towards Gwen, and suicidal ideation. Erik insisted that Gwen was despondent over her recent Covid diagnosis, and was therefore driven to suicide. Days later, "a family pet died and Erik was quick to explain on social media that the pet was also taken by COVID19. Erik began isolating the children from Gwen's family and friends." It continues to address the strange circumstances surrounding his hastiness to remarry. The report concludes: "Though unusual, these documented circumstances do not readily identify any overt malicious intent behind Gwen's passing; however they do present cause for consideration. Those with opinions about the welfare Gwen's surviving children were encouraged to report their concerns to local CPS."
So with that, let's get into Erik's actions in the months and years following Gwen's death.
Erik remarries
April 16th, less than a month after Gwen's death. Erik posts on Instagram that both of his kids --roughly 8 and 11 years old-- encouraged him to start dating again. "This house needs more female leadership... No one will ever replace Gwen, but we want this family to be whole again." On May 31, he once again posts expressing his hope to "find a woman." Thursday, June 11, he gets his wish, announcing that he got married the previous Sunday. March 25, 2021, Erik posts on Instagram a photo of him and his wife on a plane. "Today I leave this shithole country to be with my wife. Fuck the US. Not coming back anytime soon." Three comments ask something to the effect of, "who are your kids staying with while you're gone?" to which there are no responses.
Interviews
The previous information entirely originated from the first two episodes of the Locations Unknown podcast, police reports, and Andy's knowledge of the case. At this point, we're going to start diving into the follow-up podcasts. Episode 66 of Locations Unknown is an interview with Gwen's best friend Dawn, and episode 68 is another interview with Gwen's sister Dora. The two interviews total another three hours in length, but this post is getting long enough as is. So I'll bullet point "a few" key take-aways from each interview.
Dawn

• Gwen's friendship with Dawn goes all the way back to high school. The two are very close, and so Gwen confided in Dawn about Erik's violent, alcoholic behavior, his repeated waving a gun around screaming about killing himself. Dawn had, on at least one occasion prior to Gwen's death, told her husband she thought Erik would someday kill Gwen.
• When Dawn visited Gwen and Erik in 2016, she described him as being weirdly obsessed with running, abruptly leaving social engagements when it was time for his 17 mile run. The abandoned car was found 15 miles from the Hasselquist home, which Dawn believes was a distance Erik would be capable of running in the time that elapsed between Gwen's death and the next time his location could be verified by others. Dora would later corroborate this.
• On Gwen's birthday two weeks before her death, she told Dawn "this is gonna be my best year yet." Of course nobody ever thinks a loved one will kill themself before it happens, but a friend who Gwen had often turned to during her darkest times? Why would Gwen have lied to Dawn? Gwen was also known to be an incredibly attentive and loving mother who would never leave her children.
• Dawn was not close with Erik, but he personally told her the news of Gwen's passing four days later. Dawn described him as being incredibly blunt in delivering this news.
• Dawn described the detective as expressing that he was overwhelmed with other cases at the time of Gwen's death.
• Shortly after the death, Dawn reached out to Dora, who only briefly met once as kids, and both quickly agreed that something felt off, they were convinced Erik was involved in her death.

Dora
This was a long interview, and a bit all over the place, and my notes may reflect that. I'll organize them as best I can, but some points may be a bit jumbled due to Dora kind of jumping around the timeline.

• Gwen's step-sister, though they grew up together and thought of each other as sisters. They were estranged for 20-some years, but reconnected seven weeks before Gwen's death. In that time, Dora and her family had gone to visit Gwen and Erik. Her impression was that all was well in the Hasselquist home, until she woke up to a midnight text from Erik asking if she'd heard from Gwen.
• Lives about a three hour's drive from Gwen, and described the home as immediately feeling weird when she arrived the morning of March 20. Erik did not want Dora to come to his home that morning, but she insisted.
• That morning, Dora's daughter --whose age is unclear but was at the time in a Master's program for mental health studies-- quickly took to caring for Gwen's children. On their way home March 21, Dora's daughter said that one of Gwen's children told her, "there was a bloody knife and tissues on the counter, but Dada cleaned them up."
• After Dawn expressed suspicion of Erik, a third unnamed friend of Gwen --who also had previously not known Dawn or Dora-- expressed the same concern. Gwen at one point sent her children to this friend who lived in Gig Harbor, following one of Erik's outbursts that left her fearing for the kids' safety.
• Dora believes that Erik's second wife, Miriam, had no role in Gwen's death, nor was Erik having an affair. Most likely a transactional marriage to get her green card. Her father then passed away, she returned to Kenya for the funeral, and was not allowed to return to the US afterwards. It is speculated this is what led to Erik's "fuck the US" posts.
• Dora was cut out of Erik's life around June or July after Gwen's death, even after she would drop everything and drive three hours to go help him with anything, including Miriam's call regarding one of Erik's drunken outbursts. She believes that Erik was intimidated by her concern and proximity.
• Gwen's children described to Dora burning their mom's clothes "so Mom could take them to heaven."
• The car had been described as looking as if it side-swiped a bridge guard rail, yet months later, the responding state trooper told Dora "that was a weird night," and that there were wood fragments in the car. The Tacoma Narrows Bridge is made of metal and concrete.
• Shortly after Gwen's death, Erik mentioned to Dora that he had to go to multiple different banks to close Gwen's accounts. Loved ones believe Gwen may have been spreading her money around among different banks to hide it from Erik, as if she was planning to run away from him.
• Within weeks, Gwen's kids were calling Miriam "Mom" and referring to Gwen by name.

Rehoming the kids
Sticking with Dora's interview on the podcast, I think this part deserves a long-form section.
During one of Erik's suicidal outbursts, Erik's kid called his grandparents in Wisconsin, who contacted Dora asking her to take the kids for a few days. Social Services reached out to begin the process of re-homing the kids with Dora long-term. However, by the time she arrived in Gig Harbor after the three hour drive from her home, the local police informed Dora that the kids had already been placed with CPS in Tacoma. On the way, she was in communication with CPS to begin background checks and other steps for her to permanently take in the kids. When she arrived in Tacoma, Dora was told that due to her living across state lines in Oregon, the children could not be placed with her, and instead would end up with other family --distant family the kids only met once-- in Seattle. Dora was able to see the children in their new home, and felt that they were in good enough hands, however this family was an older lady. Her home was described as the type where "everything has a place, not a place where kids would be wanted bouncing off the walls." Dora, on the other hand, already had kids at home, has been with Gwen's kids through the whole ordeal, and was just generally a better fit, CPS bureaucracy aside.
Shortly after the kids were relocated to be with their paternal grandparents in Wisconsin pending custody disputes, Dora made plans to go see them for a week. She had made arrangements for a hotel with a pool, the kids would spend a night with Dora, a rental car large enough for the kids, and so on. Three weeks before the trip, Erik caught word of it, and tightly restricted how much Dora could see the kids. Ultimately, she decided to cancel the trip to avoid causing drama. The kids ultimately were permanently rehomed with their grandparents in Wisconsin, to the best of my knowledge.
Closing thoughts
Anyone still with me through all that? Wow. You're awesome! You've almost made it!
Honestly, I'm not unbiased on this. One host of the podcast in particular is very set in his interpretation of this case. I've listened to it all twice, that's 16+ hours of his bias, and that skews my interpretation of the facts. I tried to set that aside as best as possible and just present the facts and the opinions not of myself and the podcast, but of those who knew and loved Gwen. That said, a few closing thoughts.
The police work in this case, I think, is lacking, to put it lightly. I don't believe it to be malicious in nature, but rather simply a result of the times. It was the very, very early days of the pandemic. Police officers are humans just like anyone else, and were scared. Gwen was going through hard times personally during hard times worldwide, she took a bunch of pills, and jumped off a bridge. On the surface, it looks like a suicide. But there are so many questions. The bloody knife. The man that may have been seen in the car on the bridge. The Tacoma Narrows is a toll bridge. Why were toll booth attendants not interviewed? Were there cameras anywhere on the bridge, and if so, why do the police reports not mention pulling video?
At this point, I'll say it: I think Erik killed her. I understand that we all process grief differently, and if Erik was genuinely ready to remarry so quickly, then all the best to the newly wed couple. But there are so many bits and pieces that just add up to cause concern. If this case is re-opened, given a serious investigation without the effects of Covid fog, and they still rule it suicide, fine. I'll edit this post to put an apology to Erik right at the top in bold. But it needs a second look.
The hosts of Locations Unknown have said that more family and friends than just Dawn and Dora have reached out, but wish to stay off the record. Both Dawn and Dora were closest to Gwen. But the podcast has said that even some people who were friends of Erik before he met Gwen believe Erik killed her. At the time of the most recent episode of Locations Unknown being published (8/10/2022) 10 more interviews were lined up, including with those friends of Erik. In the most recent episode, they said it "certainly would not" be the last. And yet in a recent collaboration with another podcast, they said they've hit a dead end. I'll be following closely to see if they break through it, and I sure hope other people do as well.
So, thoughts? How do you think Gwen died? What did I miss in my presentation and interpretation of this, what other theories do you all have?
Sources
Locations Unknown 50 --Overview of the case
Locations Unknown 53 -- Reviewing police reports
Locations Unknown 66 --Interviewing Dawn
Locations Unknown 68 --Interviewing Dora
Police Reports
Luminol podcast article
Gwen's obituary

My daughters (4) dad (47) has gone away on holiday with his son (12) and “not girlfriend” (20 something) for the week. They went on Friday and he didn’t tell her (left it to me) nor did he even consider asking her to go.
For context he usually has her M W & F’s 4-7pm and alternate Sundays 1-7pm. She has spent every night with me since I left him when she was one (a story for another day).
My issue is, he said he would phone to speak to her or FaceTime. Well now it’s Monday and she’s not heard a thing. He’s been online (WhatsApp which is how we usually communicate) but I’ve not even had so much as a message to ask how she is.
So WIBTAH (so far, and until he’s back on Saturday) for not messaging him either? (Unless my daughter was distraught and wanted to speak to him or heaven forbid there was a medical emergency).
He is very much the type that would “show off in front of his friends” and likely I’d be at fault for phoning him at the wrong time and/or be accused of all sorts.
Just to add, my daughter is fine, she misses her daddy and adores him so I’m not a stop her from seeing him type. But I also worry that if I call him on FaceTime her brother will be there too and she would be distraught to learn they went without her so she’s under the assumption he’s away for work - it was the best I could come up with under pressure.

+++This is a monogamous account+++ +++in Berlin😮+++Not ~dating~ anymore. Come to Tempelhofer Feld. Talk to me. We'll see if it matches or not (probably not). Then we keep going. No games. No faking. No pressure. No stress. I'm fuckin tired+++
I am a crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Because I'm into brain, honesty, blunt communication, loyality and a sane desire for oxytocine - within a monogamous partnership. 💘
I am a rookie in Roller Derby, earn ape-money with an ape-PC, am a Geographer, a member of a Community Supported Agriculture, I can make you a map, I run, I chill, I dance on roller skates, I love aesthetics and hate envy, minimizers of abuse, liars, drugs and Spießer*innen 🙄😖😡💥. 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈🏁❤️‍🔥🏴‍☠️
In relationships I am loyal and I demand loyalty. I was educated by scouts and other youth cultures. Meaning, I'm incorruptible. You can't buy me. I see through manipulation.

money:

the more, the stinkier 🤧 [So...what can you give instead? Is your emotional availability real? Are you an authentic lover? Or do you look for mommy?]
🎵'Cause you chase money for love You chase money for love
Does your money love you? Does your money fuck you? Is it nice to talk to? Does your money hug you? Does your money want you?🎵

greenwashing

is real and Climate Change is already happening. So don't pretend to be a superior person cause you think that you could make a difference. We're fucked.

superior_feeling:

classism, racism, sexism and queerphobia is also real.

unequal opportunities through abuse of all forms are real. The biggest abuser is capitalism. HE abuses the poor, e.g. women, and maintains and worsens poverty.

Patriarchy, the binary cis shit and women abused as Tradwifes are the glue of this fuckshit we're no longer willing to support. We are all living in this system. I understand that it's also difficult for modern men to deal with this revolution. But damn, please overcome your ego, learn, grow. We need to change. It could be so nice. 🙃
So, what's

left-wing?

Talking aggressively, buying and wearing punk t-shirts and other products to demonstrate your weltschmerz in a superior way? Taking a lot of drugs until your behaviour doesn't differ from a neoliberal anymore? Being an asshole?
Or is it rather checking your privilege and a distinct real and reliable ~empathetic behaviour ~ towards the suppressed without abusing them? 🤔hmmmmm🤔
Sometimes, the most Britney Spears alike woman is more left-wing than you think you are.
GET REAL, DAMN IT!
Favourite Entertainment: everything Hippie-/sects-related lmfao ☮️my peaceful heaven:☮️ You and me in bed laughing the fuck out of each other while watching Guru-documentaries. Snacks included 🤭. Forever like that.🖤❤️‍🔥🤭
⚠️BUT: I'm not a mamaboy shelter.⛔️ Neither for the "good boys" nor the chauvinists. Please self reflect some years about you're mommy issues before considering talking to me. You could, e.g., start by googling 'Madonna-whore-complex'. You're welcome. 💝
If I got daddy issues, you're asking to distract from your responsibility to do your own mental work? Well, at least I understand what's going on because I've already been to therapy and am able to avoid it. I'm also not your therapist 🖲Eeeh⛔️.
Love is a verb. Disagreements and darkness are normal and won't affect my own sex-appeal when I'm looking for solutions and peace on eye-level for both parties. Will it yours? Are you even able to share your darkness in a sane manner? Have you been to therapy as well 😅? Are you able to grow 🤨? Do you really need to dim my light to feel something? Are you a human? Or a mean soldier of patriarchal violence?💡🤯
✨️🔐honest vulnerability is the key, mates❤️‍🔥✨️
PS: I talk with your possible future ex-girlfriends about these dynamics - in my free life coaching sessions for Beta people 🤡🧙🏻‍♀️🪄🧚🏽‍♂️💞🧚🏼‍♀️ ~✨️It's over, patriarchy! Pew pew!✨️~

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Adaptation 4K/MA $6
Adrift HD/IT $3.5
Adverse 4K/VU $5
After Earth HD/MA $3
Aftermath HD/VU $3
Air Force One 4K/MA $6
Aladdin ‘19 HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Aladdin ‘92 HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Alien HD/MA $4
Alien Covenant HD/MA $2.5
Alfred Hitchcock 4-Film Set Vol 1 4K/MA $18
Alfred Hitchcock 5-Film Set Vol 2 4K/MA $21
Alien 6-film Set HD/MA $16
Alita Battle Angel 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
All Eyez on Me HD/VU or IT $3
All is Lost HD/VU $3.5
All the Money in the World HD/MA $3.5
Allied HD/VU or IT $3.5
Almost Christmas HD/MA or IT $3
Amazing Spider-Man 2 HD/MA $3.5 or SD/MA $1.5
Amazing Spider-Man HD/MA $3.5 or SD/MA $1.5
American Assassin 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
American Hustle HD/MA $3.5
American Reunion HD/VU or IT $3
American Ultra HD/VU or IT $4
American Underdog 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Anatomy of a Murder 4K/MA $5
Anchorman 2 HD/VU or IT $2.5
Angel Has Fallen 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Angel Heart 4K/VU $5.5
Angel of Mine 4K/VU $5.5
Angry Birds Movie HD/MA $3.5
Anna Karenina HD/IT $3.5
Annie ‘14 HD/MA $3.5
Annihilation HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Antebellum 4K/VU $5
Antlers HD/GP $3
Ant-Man & the Wasp HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Ant-Man HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Apache Junction HD/VU $3.5
Apollo 13 4K/MA or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Arctic HD/MA $4
Arrival HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Art of Self-Defense HD/MA $4
Ash vs Evil Dead S.3 HD/VU $5
Assassination Nation HD/MA $3.5
Assassin's Creed HD/MA $3
Assignment HD/VU $4
Atomic Blonde 4K/MA or IT $4.5 or HD/MA $3
August Osage County HD/VU $3
Avengers Age of Ultron HD/GP $3
Avengers Endgame HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Avengers Infinity War 4K/MA $4 or HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Baby Driver HD/MA $4
Backdraft 4K/IT $5.5
Bad Grandpa HD/VU or IT $2.5
Bad Words HD/MA or IT $3
Bandslam HD/VU $4
Bank Job HD/VU $3.5
Barb & Star go to Vista Del Mar HD/VU $4
Barbie & Her Sisters in the Great Puppy Adventure HD/IT $3.5
Bart Got a Room HD/VU $4
Battle Royale HD/VU $4.5
Battleship 4K/MA or IT $4.5 or HD/MA $3
Baywatch HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Beauty & the Beast ‘17 HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Beauty & the Beast ‘91 HD/GP $3
Bedknobs & Broomsticks HD/GP $3.5
Before I Fall HD/VU or IT $3.5
Begin Again HD/VU $3.5
Beiruit HD/MA $3.5
Belly 4K/VU $5.5
Ben-Hur ‘16 HD/VU $3.5
Between Worlds HD/VU $3.5
Big Hero 6 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Big Lebowski 4K/MA or IT $5.5
Big Short HD/VU $3.5
Big Wedding HD/VU or IT $3
Billy Elliot HD/MA or IT $4
Birdman HD/MA $4
Black & Blue HD/MA $4
Black Christmas '19 HD/MA $4.5
Black Panther 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $2.5
Black Panther Wakanda Forever HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
BlackKklansman HD/MA $4.5
Blacklight HD/MA $4
Black Widow HD/GP $3
Blackhat HD/IT $3.5
Blair Witch Project ‘99 HD/VU $4
Bleeding Steel HD/VU $3.5
Blindspotting 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Blood Money ‘17 HD/VU $3.5
Blood Ties HD/VU $3.5
Blue Jasmine HD/MA $3.5
Blue Ruin HD/VU $4
Blues Brothers HD/MA $4 or 4K/IT $4.5
Bob's Burgers Movie HD/GP $3
Body Cam HD/VU $4
Bohemian Rhapsody 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Bombshell 4K/VU $5
Book Club HD/VU or IT $2.5
Book of Life HD/MA $3.5
Boss Baby HD/MA $2.5
Bourne Identity 4K/IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Bourne Legacy HD/VU $2 or 4K/IT $2.5
Bourne Supremacy HD/MA $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Bourne Ultimatum 4K/MA or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Boy ‘16 HD/IT $3.5
Boy & the World HD/IT $3.5
Boyhood HD/VU or IT $2.5
Braven HD/VU $4
Breakfast Club HD/MA or IT $4
Breakthrough HD/MA $3
Brian Banks HD/MA $3
Bridge of Spies HD/GP $3.5
Brothers Bloom HD/VU $4.5
Bumblebee 4K/VU or IT $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Butler HD/VU $3
Cabin in the Woods HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Cake HD/MA $4
Call of Wild 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Calvary HD/MA $4
Candyman '20 4K/MA $6 or HD/MA $4.5
Candyman 3 HD/VU $4
Captain America Civil War HD/GP $2.5
Captain America First Avenger HD/GP $3.5
Captain America Winter Soldier HD/GP $3.5
Captain Marvel 4K/MA $4 or HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Captain Phillips HD/MA $3.5
Captain Underpants First Epic Movie HD/MA $2.5
Carol HD/VU $4
Cars 3 HD/GP $2.5
Casablanca 4K/MA $5.5
Case for Christ HD/MA or IT $2.5
Casper HD/IT $4
Celebrating Mickey HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Chaos Walking 4K/VU $5
Chappaquiddick HD/VU $4
Chasing Mavericks HD/MA $3.5
Chicago HD/VU $4
Child 44 HD/VU $4
Children ‘08 HD/VU $4
Christopher Robin HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Chronicles of Riddick HD/IT $4
Clerks 3 4K/VU $4.5
Clifford the Big Red Dog HD/VU $4
Cloverfield 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Coco HD/GP $2.5
Cold Pursuit 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Collection HD/VU $3.5
Collide ‘17 HD/VU or IT $2.5
Colma The Musical HD/VU $4
Colombiana (Unr) HD/MA $4
Colony 4K/VU $5
Come & Find Me HD/VU $4
Commuter 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Company of Heroes HD/MA $4
Conan the Barbarian ‘11 4K/VU $5
Conspirator HD/VU $4
Contraband HD/IT $3
Contractor HD/VU $4.5
Cooler HD/VU $4
Cool Hand Luke 4K/MA $5.5
Cooties HD/VU $4
Cotton Club Encore 4K/VU $5.5
Countdown ‘16 HD/VU $3.5
Courier 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Craft Legacy HD/MA $4.5
Criminal HD/VU or IT $3
Croods HD/VU $3.5
Cruella HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Crypto 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Daddy's Home HD/IT $2.5
Daddy's Home 2 HD/VU or IT $3
Damsel HD/VU $4.5
Dangerous 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Danny Collins HD/IT $3.5
Dark Crimes HD/VU $4
Darkest Minds HD/MA $4
Dark Places HD/VU $4
Dark Tower HD/MA $3.5
Darkest Hour ‘17 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes HD/MA $3.5
Deadpool 2 (w/Super Duper Cut) HD/MA $4
Deadpool HD/MA $2.5
Death of Me HD/VU $4
Death on the Nile HD/GP $3
Death Wish '18 HD/VU $3
Deepwater Horizon HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Deliver Us From Evil HD/MA $3.5
Dentist 2-Film Set HD/VU $7
Despicable Me 2 HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Despicable Me 3 4K/MA or IT $4.5
Despicable Me 4K/MA or IT $4.5
Detroit HD/MA $3.5
Devil Inside HD/VU $3.5
Devil's Due HD/MA $3.5
Die Hard HD/MA $3.5
Die Hard 5-film Set HD/MA $18
Die in a Gunfight 4K/VU $5
Dilemma HD/VU $3.5
Dirty Dancing 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Disney Animated Short Films Set HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Disneynature Monkey Kingdom HD/MA $3
Django Unchained HD/VU $3
Doctor Strange HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Doctor Strange Multiverse of Madness HD/GP $3
Dolittle HD/MA $3.5
Dom Hemingway HD/MA $3.5
Don Verdean HD/VU $4.5
Doorman HD/VU $3.5
Doors 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Downsizing HD/VU $2 or 4K/IT $2.5
Downton Abbey A New Era HD/MA $4
Downton Abbey The Movie HD/MA $3.5
Draft Day HD/IT $3.5
Dragged Across Concrete HD/VU $3.5
Dragonslayer 4K/VU $5.5
Dream a Little Dream HD/VU $4
Dreamkatcher HD/VU $4
Dreamworks 10-Film HD/MA $25
Dredd 4K/VU $4 or HD/VU $2.5
Dying of the Light HD/VU $2.5
E.T. Extra Terrestrial 4K/MA or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Early Man 4K/VU $5.5
Earth Girls are Easy HD/VU $4
Eddie the Eagle HD/MA $4
Edge of Seventeen HD/IT $3
Edward Scissorhands HD/MA $3.5
El Chicano HD/MA $4
Elysium HD/MA $3.5
Emoji Movie HD/MA $3
Empire of Light HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Empire State HD/VU $3
Encanto 4K/GP $3.5
Enough Said HD/MA $3.5
Enter the Dragon 4K/MA $6
Epic HD/MA $3
Equalizer HD/MA $3.5
Equalizer 2 HD/MA $3.5
Escape From Planet Earth HD/VU $3
Eternals HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Everest HD/MA $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Everything Must Go HD/VU $4
Evil Dead 2 HD/VU $3.5
Ex Machina HD/VU $3
Exodus Gods & Kings HD/MA $3.5
Expired 4K/VU $4.5
Fair Game (Dir) HD/VU $4
Fantastic Four ‘15 HD/MA $4
Fast & Furious 4 4K/MA $5
Fast & the Furious 8-film Set HD/MA $17.5
Fast & the Furious 9-film Set HD/MA $20
Fast Color 4K/VU $5.5
Fatale ‘20 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Fatherhood HD/MA $4
Fault in Our Stars HD/MA $3.5
Fear of Rain 4K/VU $5.5
Fences HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Ferdinand HD/MA $3.5
Field of Dreams 4K/MA or IT $5.5
Fifty Shades Darker (Unr) HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Fifty Shades Freed HD/MA $4
Fifty Shades of Grey (Unr) 4K/MA or IT $4
Finding Dory HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Finding Nemo HD/GP $3.5
Finest Hours HD/GP $3
Firm 4K/VU $6
First Man HD/MA $4
Flashback ‘20 HD/VU $4
Flight HD/VU or IT $3
Florence Foster Jenkins HD/VU or IT $3
Footloose ‘11 HD/IT $3
Forbidden Kingdom HD/VU $4.5
Ford v Ferrari HD/MA $4
Forest HD/IT $3.5
Forever My Girl HD/IT $3
Fortress HD/VU $3.5
Fortress Sniper's Eye HD/VU $3.5
Fox & the Hound 2 HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Foxcatcher HD/MA $4
Frank & Lola HD/VU or IT $3
Free Guy HD/GP $3
French Dispatch HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Friday the 13th 4K/VU $5.5
From Here to Eternity 4K/MA $5.5
Frozen (Sing-Along) HD/MA $2 or HD/GP $1.5
Frozen HD/GP $2
Frozen 2 HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Frozen Ground ‘13 HD/VU $3.5
Fury HD/MA $3.5
Future World HD/VU $3.5
G.I. Joe Retaliation HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Gambit ‘12 HD/MA $4
Gambler HD/VU or IT $3
Gamer 4K/VU $5.5
Gemini Man 4K/VU or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Get Out 4K/MA or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Ghost in the Shell ‘17 HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Ghost in the Shell ‘95 4K/VU $5
Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance HD/MA $4
Ghost Team One HD/VU or IT $3.5
Ghostbusters ‘84 HD/MA $3.5
Ghostbusters (Thea & Ext) ‘16 HD/MA $3
Ghostbusters 2 HD/MA $3.5
Gifted HD/MA $3
Girl in Spider's Web HD/MA $4
Girl on Train HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Girl w/ All Gifts HD/VU $4
Giver HD/VU $3.5
Glass Castle 4K/VU $5.5
Glass HD/MA $4
God Bless The Broken Road HD/VU $3.5
God's Not Dead 2 HD/MA or IT $2.5
God's Not Dead 3 HD/MA $3
Gods of Egypt HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Gold ‘16 HD/VU $2.5
Good Dinosaur HD/GP $2.5
Good Kill HD/VU or IT $3.5
Grease 2 HD/VU $4
Great Wall 4K/MA or IT $4.5 or HD/MA $3
Greatest Showman HD/MA $3.5
Green Book HD/MA $4
Grey HD/VU or IT $3
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 1 HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 HD/GP $2
Guilt Trip HD/VU or IT $3
Gunman HD/MA or IT $3
Guns of Navarone 4K/MA $5.5
Hacksaw Ridge 4K/VU or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Halloween ‘18 HD/MA $3
Hammer of the Gods HD/VU $2
Hannibal S.1 HD/VU $5
Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunters (Unr) HD/VU or IT $3
Hard Luck Love Song 4K/VU $5.5
Hard Target 2 HD/IT $1.5
Hardcore Henry HD/VU or IT $3.5
Hate U Give HD/MA $4
Hateful Eight HD/VU $3.5
Heat (Director's Cut) ‘95 4K/MA $5.5
Heaven is for Real HD/MA $3.5
Hercules ‘14 HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Here Comes the Boom HD/MA $3.5
Hereditary HD/VU $3.5
Hidden Figures HD/MA $3
High Note HD/MA $4
Highlander 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Hitchcock '12 HD/MA $4
Hitman Agent 47 HD/MA $3
Hitman's Bodyguard HD/VU $3.5
Hocus Pocus HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Home HD/MA $3
Home Again HD/MA $3
Home Alone 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Homefront HD/MA or IT $3
Homesman HD/VU $3
Honey 2 HD/VU $3
Hostiles 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Hotel Transylvania 3 HD/MA $3.5
Hot Fuzz HD/VU $4
Hotel Mumbai HD/MA $4
Hours ‘13 HD/VU $4
House of 1000 Corpses HD/VU $4
House of Gucci 4K/IT $5.5
House w/ a Clock in Its Walls sHD/MA $4
How to Train Your Dragon 2 HD/MA $2.5
Hugo HD/VU $3
Hunt for Red October 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Huntsman Winter's War (Ext) HD/MA $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
I Can Only Imagine HD/VU $3.5
I Feel Pretty HD/IT $2
Ides of March HD/MA $4
I Know What You Did Last Summer 4K/MA $5.5
Imitation Game HD/VU $3
In a Valley of Violence HD/MA or IT $3
In Secret ‘14 HD/VU $4.5
In the Blood HD/VU $4
Incredibles 2 HD/GP $3
Independence Day ‘96 HD/MA $4
Independence Day Resurgence HD/MA $2.5
Indiana Jones & the Raiders of the Lost Ark 4K/VU or IT $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom 4K/VU or IT $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Indignation HD/VU $4
Indivisible HD/MA $3.5
Inferno HD/MA $3
Initiation 4K/VU $5
Initiation HD/VU $3.5
Internship HD/MA $3
Interstellar 4K/VU or IT $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Interview HD/MA $3.5
Into the Woods HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
Invisible Man '20 HD/MA $3.5
Invisible Man ‘33 HD/MA $3.5
Iron Man 3 HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Iron Man & Hulk Heroes United HD/GP $3.5
Iron Mask ‘19 HD/VU $4.5
It Follows HD/VU $3.5
It's a Wonderful Life HD/VU $3
Jack & Jill HD/MA $3.5
Jack Reacher 4K/IT $4.5
Jack Reacher Never Go Back HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit 4K/IT $4 or HD/VU $2.5
Jacob's Ladder HD/VU $4
Jane Got a Gun HD/VU $4
Jarhead 3 (Unr) HD/IT $2.5
Jason Bourne HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Jesus Music HD/VU $3.5
Jexi HD/VU $3.5
Jobs HD/MA or IT $3.5
Joe HD/VU $3.5
Joe Kidd HD/IT $4
John Wick 1 & 2 Bundle HD/VU $4
John Wick 3 Parabellum 4K/VU $4.5
John Wick Chapter 2 HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
John Wick HD/VU $2 or 4K/IT $2.5
John Wick Trilogy (Parabellum 4K) HD/VU $9 or all HD/VU $8
Journey to the West Conquering the Demons HD/VU $3.5
Joy HD/MA $3
Judy 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Juliet, Naked 4K/VU $5.5
Jumanji Welcome To The Jungle HD/MA $2.5
Jungle Book ‘16 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $2.5
Jungle Cruise HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Jurassic Park 3 HD/VU $3.5 or 4K/IT $4
Jurassic Park 4K/MA or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
Jurassic World 5-film Set HD/MA $14
Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/MA $3
Jurassic World HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Justice ‘17 HD/VU or IT $3
Kama Sutra HD/VU $4
Kick-Ass 2 HD/MA $3.5
Kid ‘19 HD/VU $3.5
Kid Who Would Be King 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Kidnap HD/VU or IT $2.5
Kill Zone ‘05 HD/VU $4.5
Killer Elite HD/IT $3
Killing Gunther HD/VU $4
Kin ‘18 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
King Kong ‘05 4K/MA or IT $5 or HD/MA $3.5
King of Staten Island HD/MA $4
King's Man HD/GP $3.5
Kingsman The Golden Circle HD/MA $3
Kingsman The Secret Service HD/MA $3.5
Knives Out HD/VU $3.5
Knowing 4K/VU $5.5
La La Land HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Labor Day HD/VU or IT $3
Lady Macbeth HD/VU $4.5
Lady of the Manor 4K/VU $5
Lair of White Worm HD/VU $4.5
Lake Mungo HD/VU $4
Lara Croft Tomb Raider 4K/VU $5.5 or HD/VU $4
Last Dragon HD/MA $4.5
Last Duel HD/GP $3.5
Last Exorcism HD/VU $4
Last Knights HD/VU $3.5
Last Man ‘19 HD/VU $4
Last Stand HD/IT $2
Last Vegas HD/VU $3
Last Witch Hunter HD/VU $3 or 4K/IT $3.5
Lawrence of Arabia 4K/MA $5.5
Legend of Hercules 4K/IT $3
Legends of Oz Dorothy's Return HD/MA $3.5
Leprechaun 7-film Set HD/VU $12
Let's be Cops HD/MA $3.5
Let Him Go HD/MA $4
Let Me Explain HD/IT $2.5
Life ‘17 HD/MA $3.5
Life of Crime HD/VU $3.5
Life of Pi 4K/MA $5 or HD/MA or IT $3.5
Light of My Life HD/IT $3.5
Lightyear HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Like a Boss HD/VU $3.5
Lilo & Stitch 2 HD/MA $4 or HD/GP $3.5
Lion HD/VU $4
Lion King ‘19 4K/MA $4 or HD/GP $2
Lion King ‘94 4K/MA $5 or HD/GP $3
Little HD/MA $3.5
Little Mermaid ‘89 HD/MA $4
Live Free or Die Hard HD/MA $4
Locked Down 4K/MA $5.5
Logan HD/MA $3
Logan Lucky HD/MA $3.5 or /IT $4
Lone Ranger HD/MA $3.5 or HD/GP $3
Lone Survivor HD/VU $2.5
Longest Ride HD/MA $3
Longest Week HD/VU $3.5
Looper HD/MA $3.5
Lorax HD/MA or IT $3
Lord of War 4K/VU $5.5
Lords of Salem HD/VU $4
Lost World Jurassic Park HD/MA $3.5
Love & Mercy HD/VU $3.5
Love the Coopers HD/VU or IT $4
Love, Simon HD/MA $3.5
Loving HD/VU or IT $3.5
Luca HD/GP $3
Lucy 4K/MA or IT $4.5 or HD/MA $3
Lyle, Lyle Crocodile HD/MA $4.5 or SD/MA $2
Madagascar 3 HD/MA $3
Maggie HD/VU $2.5
Magic Mike's Last Dance HD/MA $4.5
Magnificent Seven ‘16 HD/VU $3
Maleficent HD/MA $2.5 or HD/GP $2
Maleficent Mistress of Evil HD/GP $2.5
Man Who Fell To Earth ‘76 4K/VU $5
Man Who Shot Liberty Vance 4K/VU $5.5
Marauders HD/VU $3.5
Marksman HD/MA $4
Martian HD/MA $3.5
Mary Poppins ‘64 HD/MA $3.5 or ‘64 HD/GP $3
Mary Poppins Returns 4K/MA $4.5 or HD/GP $2.5
Mask of Zorro 4K/MA $6
Mauritanian 4K/IT $5
Max Steel HD/IT $3
Maze Runner HD/MA $3.5
McKenna Shoots for the Stars HD/IT $2
Meatballs HD/VU $4
Megan Leavey HD/VU or IT $3
Memory HD/MA $3.5
Men HD/VU $4
Men in Black 3 HD/MA $3
Men in Black 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
MI-5 Spooks '15 HD/VU $4
Mickey & Minnie 10 Classic Shorts HD/GP $4.5
Mid-Century 4K/VU $5
Midnight in the Switchgrass 4K/VU $5 or HD/VU $3.5
Midsommar (CANADA) 4K/IT $3
Midway 4K/VU $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Mile 22 HD/IT $3
Million Dollar Arm HD/GP $2.5
MindGamers HD/MA or IT $3.5
Minions 4K/MA or IT $4.5 or HD/VU $3
Miracles from Heaven HD/MA $3.5
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children HD/MA $3
Mission Impossible 3 4K/VU $5
Mission Impossible 6-film Set HD/VU $17
Mommy HD/VU $4
Moneyball HD/MA $3
Monster High Electrified HD/IT $2.5
Monster Hunter HD/MA $3.5
Money Monster HD/MA $3.5
Monster Trucks HD/VU $2.5 or 4K/IT $3
Monsters University HD/GP $3
Monuments Men HD/MA $3.5
Moon 4K/MA $5.5
Morbius HD/MA $4
Morgan HD/MA $4
Mortal Engines 4K/MA $5.5 or HD/MA $4
Mortal HD/VU $4
Mortal Instruments City of Bones HD/MA $3
Mortdecai HD/VU $3.5
Mother! HD/VU $2.5
Mountain Between Us HD/MA $2.5
Mr. Peabody & Sherman HD/MA $3
Mud HD/VU $2.5
Mulan 2 HD/GP $3
Mulan ‘20 4K/MA $4.5 or ‘20 HD/MA $3 or HD/GP $2.5
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Hi everyone, this is my first time posting anything so please bear with me if I end up going into a lot of side stories!
I (17F, highschool senior) have a best friend (16F, highschool junior), let's call her Annie for the sake of this rant. To give you some sort of backstory, I met Annie when I was in my sophomore year and she was in her freshman year, and we've been very close ever since. I am relatively popular in school and have plenty of friends, and with her being younger than me, I've always treated her as the younger sister I never had. I took her under my wing and made it my duty to make her feel as welcome in my friend group as possible, (it's a friend group of around 7 girls, we are all pretty close), long story short - Annie became a large part of the friend group and she's been hanging out with us for the past two years.
Throughout my sophomore year, Annie and I were attached by the hip, we bonded over the similarity of our up-bringing and our daddy issues. She is basically me in a different font, and I am very thankful to have her as my best friend. We would text everyday and opened up to each other about everything and anything, we always understood one another. We were just THAT duo.
(To be clear, Annie is not my only best friend, my closest friend is a girl we can call Mary, who I met since I joined this school, we have been inseperable since.)
Anyways, jumping to the summer of my sophomore year, I started going through major mental health issues, everything came crashing down on me, I felt suffocated by the amount of people's well-beings I had to prioritize and overall, I was very depressed for the whole summer. I tried to keep this to myself as much as I could, although my friends did notice a very large drop in my energy, specifically Mary and Annie, as I stopped being invested into high school drama, and I avoided long conversations as much as possible. Not to toot my own horn, but I was still a very good friend to each and every one of my friends, as its very important to me to make sure that everyone around me is happy, even though that might affect my own happiness sometimes. (It's a bad habit of mine and I'm working on fixing it).
Once my senior year started, everything went downhill, I became a completely different person and I was no longer in control of my actions. I found myself distancing myself from everyone (I can be rather mean when I'm upset, so I find it better to just shut people out rather than hurting anyone along the way), I stopped reaching out to my friends, I started skipping almost ALL my classes at school, just so I could cry in the bathroom without anyone noticing because I genuinely could not seem to save myself, my grades started dropping (I've always been a straight A student and one of the smartest in my friend group - no matter how much I fuck around in school). Overall, I went from being a girl who loved being surrounded by her friends, to someone who now felt extremely overwhelmed whenever anyone tried to have a conversation with me.
For some background info - I am a relatively tough person, who doesn't show negative emotions often, so this sudden change was a shock to my friends. I made it very clear to all of them that I could not control the way I felt and that I felt horrible for acting the way I was, and that I didn't want to ruin anyone's senior year, so I didn't want anyone to feel intitled to check up on me. At this point, I spent all my lessons and my free time crying in the bathroom stall, and the only people who really knew this were Mary and Annie. They were such good friends throughout the whole phase I was going through and would just let me cry my eyes out into their arms until I felt ready to rejoin the group. I feel very blessed to have such understanding friends and I can not explain how much it meant to me that even after everything, I felt loved by everyone around me even when I found it difficult to love myself.
Anyways, as I mentioned earlier, this caused my grades to drop, which resulted in me getting a B in my math's class first semester results. (My mom's very strict and only ever accepts A's and nothing less). I did get A's in all the other subjects I took but I guess the B just wasn't siting right with my mom. I was grounded, got my phone taken, wasn't allowed to go on social media, wasn't allowed to go out with my friends, and overall just wasn't allowed to have any fun until I proved myself on my next exam, which was a full semester away.
As you can probably guess, this made matters so much worse for me, because my mom thought my friends were a bad influence on me, and couldn't understand the fact that I was severely depressed and it had nothing to do with anyone but me. I found myself falling even deeper into my depression and having to spend the whole of winter break with no outside contact, which meant I spent 3 weeks having no clue what was going on with my friends and just being completely detached from everyone. Things at home were absolute shit and I felt extremely left out with my friends. (I understand its completely no ones fault but my own, I'm just explaining how I felt).
I wasn't allowed to go to my senior prom, all school trips, nor participate in any school events. My mom even threatened to force me to give up my spot on the student council. During this time, I noticed how self centerd Annie was, she constantly boasted about winning prom queen (AT A PROM THAT WASN'T EVEN HERS BTW. WHICH IS CRAZY TO ME), she would send me pictures of her and my friends at prom constantly (this continued for a whole MONTH after prom), and went into full detail about how much fun it was and how I missed out. None of my other friends did this, even the boys had enough decency to refrain from talking about stuff I wasn't included in around me. I understood, however, that Annie was very excited about experiencing prom, and I was very happy for her throughout the whole thing, even though I would reply to most of her texts while I was fully crying because of how alone I felt.
I remember this one time, Annie and three of my other friends went out together a few days after my birthday (which I spent alone, at home), I was by no means jealous, but I obviously still felt left out. I still wanted to be a good friend though so I asked them all privately if they had fun and told them I was really happy that they enjoyed, the 3 friends replied briefly about how it was a nice hangout and that they feel really bad about going out without me, and that they wished I was there, and that was that. But Annie took it upon herself to explain every second of the outing to me and kept sending me pictures and videos of herself and my friends, laughing and having fun. At this point I was completely drained of having to act like I cared and I could no longer put up with this anymore, because yeah. It did genuinely hurt. I became very dry with my replies and Annie had the audacity to ask me why I was being cold and distant, so I explained to her that it does hurt whenever all she talks about is how much fun she's been having AND COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW HER MOM DIDN'T LET HER STAY OUT FOR LONGER. WHEN I HAVENT FUCKING SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY IN TWO MONTHS AT THAT POINT. Anyways, she said she understood and that she only did that because she wanted me to experience what they were all doing, and she wanted me to feel as if I was there with them. Lame excuse, but I see where she was coming from and told her I appreciated it but I'd rather not know anything about it, because I truly didn't care at that point and only wanted to focus on myself.
However, this behavior continued and all Annie ever talked about was herself, and her issues and how sad and sorry her life was because her and her boyfriend were arguing. Meanwhile, I was trying to find the will to live every single day and I was struggling sm to try and raise my grades so I could at least have some fun during my last semester at high school.
I remember the first couple of days back from winter break, we were at this basketball competition, and it was myself, Annie and Mary there from our friend group. We were siting on the bleachers waiting for our school's turn to compete, and my social battery was completely drained at that point, so I just sat there and listened to everyone converse. Please bear with me while I try to explain how we were siting since this is a very important part of the story. The bleachers consisted of two parts, me and Mary were seated next to each other and I was at the end of the bleacher (Keep in mind the bleacher we were on was PACKED and we were practically squashed on there), while Annie sat in front of us, turned towards us so we could all talk. At some point Annie got up to go to the bathroom and Mary took this as her chance to ask me what had happened with my mom the day before, (Mary knew a bit more than Annie did because I didn't want to bother Annie, since I knew she was experiencing her fair share of family issues as well), I told Mary I didn't really want to go into detail about it right then and there cuz I would probably end up crying infront of everyone, so she shut the conversation down and told me she understood. Annie came back the same time Mary had stopped the conversation and to say she exploded on me was an UNDERSTATEMENT.
She started fully screaming, infront of THE WHOLE BASKETBALL TEAM, AND OUR COACH, about how I was leaving her out, and how I made her sit on a different bleacher, and how I changed so much and I was no longer the old girl I was, and that she felt unloved by me. She went on to say that she understood why I had to distance myself from everyone because no one would even be able to deal with me when I was acting this way, and that she put up with me too much. The cherry on top was when she called me mean and selfish infront of everyone (being called selfish hurts me so badly, because I bend myself backwards trying to make sure that everyone around me is happy, even if I'm going through hell and back myself) so you can understand how much it hurt hearing your best friend shame you infront of everyone.
I'm very bad at communicating and can be VERY mean when I want to, but I really didn't want to hurt Annie's feelings so I just gave her a thumbs up and said "Okay". I'm the type of person who cries when I'm mad so when she sat back down and faced away from us I did start to cry because I just cant control it. When Annie realized I was crying, this woman had the audacity to scream "Why the fuck are you crying now??", this just completely pushed me off the edge so I replied "Can I not fucking cry in peace now??" to which she replied with "Obviously not I don't want to be the reason my best friend is crying.".
Anyways she gave me a half-assed apology, which consisted of her throwing her arm around my shoulder and saying "You know that even when we argue you're still my sister and I love you". And yeah. I did let it slide and I forgave her. But this scenario completely changed my perspective of her and I distanced myself hella and stopped trying to put in effort into our friendship. I stopped opening up to her because I didn't know when else she would use it against me. (We had plenty of other arguments after that one, in which she said I was draining her, and I told her I didn't want to be the reason she feels like she's unable to have fun, so I made the decision to just stop opening up to anyone)
So, people of reddit, am I the asshole for refusing to open up to her anymore, and not putting in anymore effort into our friendship?
(FYI - I still love her with all my heart, and she's always going to be my little sister, and I just want to mention that thankfully I am doing a lot better mentally now, my grades have risen and I hope it continues this way!!)

70's Alt Rock -King Crimson-Lark's Tongue In Aspic
80's Alt Rock - Talking Heads-Remain In Light
90's Alt Rock- Nirvana- Never mind
2000's Alt Rock-The Strokes-Is This It
2010's Alt Rock Tame Impala-Lonerism
Alt Country -Wilco-Summerteeth
Alt Hip Hop-MF Doom- Mad villainy
Art Rock-Dark Side Of The Moon-Pink Floyd
Brit Rock- The Clash- London Calling
College Rock-REM-Murmur
Emo Rock-My Chemical Romance-Welcome To The Black Parade
Experimental Rock-Swans-To Be Kind
Goth-The Cure Disintegration
Grunge- Soundgarden-Superunknown
Hardcore Punk- Black Flag- Damaged
Heavy Metal-Black Sabbath-Paranoid
60's Hard Rock-Led Zeppelin I
70's Hard rock-Led Zeppelin-Physical Graffiti
80's Hard Rock- AC/DC-Back In Black
90's Hard Rock-Nirvana-In Utero
2000's Hard Rock-Queens Of The Stone Age-Songs For The Deaf
2010's ˙Hard Rock- Tool-Fear Inoculum
Indie Rock-Joy Division-Unknown Pleasures
Indie Folk-Big Thief-Dragon New Warm Mountain I Believe In You
Lo-Fi-Neutral Milk Hotel-In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
New Wave-Elvis Costello-This Year's Model
Progressive Rock- Tool- Lateralus
Punk- Ramones-Rocket To Russia
pop punk-Green Day-Dookie
Post Punk- Wire- Pink Flag
Shoegaze-My Bloody Valentine-Loveless
Blues-Nina Simone-Sings The Blues
Blues Rock-The Rolling Stones-Sticky Fingers
Avant Garde- Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band-Trout Mask Replica
Baroque Pop-The Beach Boys-Pet Sounds
Symphonic Rock-Moody Blues-Days Of Future Past
Comedy/Novelty album-Adam Sandler-They're All Gonna Laugh At You
Stand Up Comedy-George Carlin-Back In Town
Americana-The Band-The Band
Bakersfield Sound-Buck Owens-Best Of Buck Owens
Bluegrass-Old & In The Way-That High Lonesome Sound
Outlaw Country-Willie Nelson-Redheaded Stranger
Classic Country-Johnny Cash-Live At Folsom Prison
Country Rock- The Flying Burrito Brothers-The Gilded Palace Of Sin
Dance/Club-LCD Soundsystem- This Is Happening
Christmas /Holiday Album-Vince Gauralidi-A Charlie Brown Christmas
EMD/Techno-Burial-Untrue
Ambient-Brian Eno-Music For Airports
Electronic Rock-Radiohead-Kid A
Space Rock- Spiritualized- Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space
Synthpop-Depeche Mode-Violator
Synthrock- New Order-Power, Corruption and Lies
Industrial-Nine Inch Nails-The Downward Spiral
Krautrock- Can-Tago Mago
Folk-Bob Dylan-The Freewillin' Bob Dylan
Folk Rock-Bob Dylan-Blood On The Tracks
Southern Rock-The Allman Brothers Band-At Fillmore East
80's Hip Hop-The Beastie Boys-Paul's Boutique
90's- Hip Hop Wu-Tang Clan-Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)
2000's Hip Hop-Outkast- Stankonia
2010's Hip Hop-Kendrick Lamar-To Pimp A Butterfly
2020's Hip Hop-Run The Jewels-RTJ 4
East Coast Hip Hop- Nas- Illmatic
West Coast Hip Hop-NWA-Straight Outta Compton
Southern Hip Hop-Outkast -Aquemini
Midwest Album-Kanye West-My Dark Twisted Fantasy
Trap-Travis Sott-Rodeo
Instrumental Hip Hop- DJ Shadow- Endtroducing....
Indie Pop-Belle And Sebastian-If You're Feeling Sinister
Noise Rock-Sonic Youth-Daydream Nation
Post-rock- Godspeed! You Black Emperor-Lift Your Skinny Fist Like Antennas To Heaven
Acid Jazz- Medeski ,Martin, and Wood -Shack-Man
Trip Hop -Portishead- Dummy
Gospel -Aretha Franklin-Amazing Grace
Christian- Sufjan Stevens -Illnoise
Jazz-Miles Davis-Kind Of Blue
Avant Garde Jazz-Ornette Coleman-Shape To Jazz To Come
Swing/Bebop-Art Blakey & The Jazz Messengers-Art Blakey's Jazz Messengers w/Thelonious Monk
Jazz/Fusion-Miles Davis-In A Silent Way
Jazz Rock-Miles Davis-Bitches Brew
Jazz/Funk-Herbie Hancock-Head Hunters
Jazz/Rap-A tribe Called Quest-The Low End Theory
Latin- Los Lobos-Kiko
Speed Metal/Thrash- Metallica- Master Of Puppets
Black/Death Metal-Deafheaven-Sunbather
Symphonic Metal-Haken-The Mountain
Glam Rock -T.Rex-Electric Warrior
Hair Metal-Guns N Roses-Appetite For Destruction
New Wave Of British Heavy Metal-Iron Maiden- Number Of The Beast
Sludge-Electric Wizard- Dopethron
Nu Metal-Korn-Korn
New Age-Popol Vuh - Hosianna Mantra
Pop-Prince-Sign O' The Times
60's Pop- The Beatles-Revolver
70's Pop- Carole King-Tapestry
80's Pop- Peter Gabriel-So
90's Pop-Madonna-Ray Of Light
2000's Pop-Madonna-Confessions On A Dance Floor
2010's pop-Robyn-Body Talk
2020's Pop- Perfume Genius-Set My Heart On Fire
Adult Contemporary- Billy Joel-The Stranger
Europop- ABBA- Arrival
Latin Pop-Ruben Y Seis Del Solar-Buscando America
Dance Pop-Dee-Lite-World Clique
Dream Pop- Mazzy Star-So Tonight I Might See
Power Pop- Weezer-Blue Album
R&B- Marvin Gaye-What's Going On
60's R&B-Aretha Franklin-I Never Loved A Man The Way I Loved You
70's R&B- Stevie Wonder- Songs In The Key Of Life
80's R&B- Janet Jackson- Control
90's R&B Album- Lauryn Hill-The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill
2000's R&B- D'Angelo-Voodoo
2010's-R&B-Beyonce-Lemonade
2020's R&B- SZA-SOS
Disco-Donna Summers-Bad Girls
Doo Wop- The Chantels- We Are The Chantels
Funk-Funkadelic-Maggot Brain
Motown- Marvin Gaye-Let's Get It On
Neo-Soul-Erykah Badu-Baduizm
Psychedelic Soul- Curtis Mayfield-Curtis
Soul-Aretha Franklin-Lady Soul
Reggae-Bob Marley- Exodus
Ska-The Specials-The Specials
Swing Revival-Big Bad Voodoo Daddy-Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Rock N Roll-The Rolling Stones-Exile On Main Street
Acid Rock- Jimi Hendrix- Are You Experienced
Arena Rock-Boston-Boston
Cock Rock-Van Halen I
Math Rock-Slint-Spiderland
Stoner Rock-Kyuss-Welcome To Sky Valley
Jam Band- Grateful Dead-American Beauty
SingeSongwriter- Neil Young-Harvest
Surf Rock-The Beach Boys-Shut Down Vol II
Soft Rock/Yacht Rock-Steely Dan-Aja
Movie Soundtrack-Singles
Movie Score-The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly
TV Soundtrack- Songs In The Key Of X:Music from and inspired by the X-Files
Musical Soundtrack-Jesus Christ Superstar
Standards-Willie Nelson-Stardust
World Music-The Indestructible Beat Of Soweto-Various Artists

Guys, i have come to learn kuwa for us who question on the existence of a God, tunaonekana ignorant selfish sinners ila when we look at it with facts, we see the same thing for believers who choose to take what they are told pasipo maswali
Hii kitu tunasema we are better because we got souls… nani kasema ngombe hana soul? Hujaona a baby monkey crying over its mothers corpse? If they feel and know life has departed from them, if they dont pray does it mean they got no souls? If they do, when they die., does a lion go to hell for hunting & killing its prey. If yes, do i go to hell for killing a mosquito?? Kisa tuu tumejitoa out of the foodchain tukajiweka on top it dont mean you get to go to heaven and other creatures dont. we arent any different from organisms mingine kwamaana we breathe, feed, sh#t and die too
Leo useme biblia imekufundisha on what is good and what is bad, kunae mtoto anazaliwa akatumwa amuue mama yake akaenda akiwa na moyo usio na huzuni na pasipo kusita? Wewe kama hujaambiwa on what is good or bad alafu ukaenda ukambaka mtu without knowledge of good and bad, how do you think its gonna feel on the inside umuone mwenzio anapata chozi la maumivu huku wewe upo in pleasure, we are born knowing these things same way mtoto mchanga anajua yupi ni mzazi wake na yupi sii mzazi wake
The fact kwamba watu wanaishi kwa kutenda wema ili wakifa waende mbinguni generally says religion ni unafki… tunatakiwa tuwe good at heart and expect nothing rather than be good kisa kuogopa consequence ya dhambi
The worst part is makanisa ya sikuhizi., mpaka watumishi wanaitwa daddys., my guy, those niggas are making money off the poor, those niggas make money off the things you believe arent going right for you(yaani umtolee mtumishi sadaka ili akuombee umasikini ukutoke just because you are too ignorant kukubali kuwa maisha hayajanyooka na matatizo ni muhimu kukushepu wewe mwenyewe) hao daddy-watumishi wanajenga mahoteli, thise niggas watoto zao wananasoma mbele na hawajui shida, those niggas hide all their claws, dirty businesses and whatever under the disguise of religion, wanavunja ndoa za watu, wanaua wagonjwa telling them sadaka ndio zitawaponya rather than medication
Mbaya zaidi., wale watu waliokuja okoka ukubwani, eti deep water baptism wanafanyiwa., those are the most fake people i have come to meet kwamaana wao ndio wanajiona they are angels walking the earth, judging and labeling all those not baptized as sinners…. My guy., hata uwe umenyooka aje, ukawa na a pinch of hate ndani yako., siamini kama mungu ataishi humo ndani…
Kula hii story, it is a true story;
This one time i heard a born again Christian say they despise muslims for kuabudu masanamu., there i was sitting nikimsikiliza in my head and i thought huyu mkristo ni dumbfounded kwamaana yeye kaletewa ukristo na mzungu missionary waliokuja kumuibia(still they are too arrogant to see it) ila anamchukua muislamu aliyetoka na dini yake mbele huko..(not sure how Muslim religion got to us so i am assuming haijaletwa na mzungu)… i hope you are seeing the irony napata kuoneshea hapa
This isnt an argument, turleweshane tuu

May's a busy time of the year for us, between multiple family birthdays and getting ready for the end of the school year. I wasn't sure if I was going to have time to put out today's Roundup, but was able to put together a short review of last week's releases; there honestly weren't as many new releases as I had expected to see, so perhaps everyone else is as busy as we have been.
The one year anniversary of Sabre Games brick and mortar opening is coming up at the beginning of July, and to celebrate we're hosting a mini-convention. If you're going to be in or around the central Virginia area July 4th - 7th we'd love to have you stop by. The schedule is still being worked out, but we're going to have various games and tournaments going on all four days.

• In conjunction with a number of bloggers, Prismatic Wastelands released ~Wonky Willie's Authentic Interactive Extravaganza~, inspired by the ill-fated and much-ridiculed Willy Wonky Glagow exhibit.
• ~Just Another Goblin Cave~ showed up on my radar and it looks like an interesting little mini-dungeon. Defiantly handcrafted, it's a four-page adventure that bills itself as a short and sweet adventure designed specifically to introduce folks to the OSR style of play.
• Melpomene Games has released ~Moonshine Revelers~, an adventure for Mausritter. The art is composed of delightful watercolors that really set the mood and make me thing of my childhood copy of The Wind in the Willows.
• ~A Traveler's Guide to the Echelon Forest~ is a constantly changing, system agnostic, die drop forestcrawl. It's also CC-BY-4.0, which means it can be shared, altered, or otherwise adapted for other purposes just as long as the original author is credited.
• ~Tome of the Blood Baron~ is a mini-dungeon statted for Cairn, OSE, and 5e. It features all manner of vampiric foes and is designed to be run in a single 1-3 hour session.
• Alex T is raising funds for ~Ruthless Heavens, Boundless Fate~, an interesting rpg that looks a bit like Godbound and Exalted meets Miyazaki. I'm seeing more and more games like this, that come specifically with options for solo gaming.
• Today's the last day to get in on the mini-Kickstarter I'm running for ~Populated Hexes Monthly Issue 34~, which begins a look at the mining community of Dry Gulch, a location mentioned in, but just outside of, the Basilisk Hills Hexcrawl.

I was thinking, what's the point of a funeral if I don't know anyone?
I'd be just celebrating my death alone, just like I do my birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Easter.
I have no one, but you.
My mommas dead, and my daddy's dead too.
My siblings treat me like I murdered their newborn and committed fraud with their names.
I have no friends at all, you and my boss are the only people that text and call me.
And I can't afford an animal to cherish either
I'm unnoticed like a leaf amongst many in fall, soon you won't think about me, you'll treat me seasonal.
Sometimes, I feel like a glitch. Like I'm not supposed to be here, like my brain doesn't belong in my body... I should have been a tree instead.
At least if I were a tree, I wouldn't long for belonging, love and wanting to be wanted. I'd be satisfied with just the rain, seasons, and the sun.
But unfortunately, I am human. By design, I crave what I can't obtain.
Sincerely, the loneliest girl on the eastcoast

this is gonna be a long one. okay so im new to reddit and i honestly mainly signed up because i just need some answers. this question sounds stupid but please just hear me out, do i have daddy issues and are my feelings fair. idek if this is the right subreddit tbh but i felt like the situation/question fit this one more than most other ones. okay okay so basically i just need some help and some closure if thats the right word and this is probably going to sound kinda stupid but idk. Theres a little backstory for this and its honestly just, my dad got my mom pregnant when he was like 20-21 and my mom was 17. my dad had a hard childhood and struggled with substance abuse and mental health issues alot from as early as age 12. he started with his dads pain pills and weed then it turned to stealing alcohol and by like 14-15 he was a hard drug user, coke, meth (mainly meth), crack, those types mainly. he had a hard childhood and i understand that. he got my half sisters mom pregnant and left her a few months into her pregnancy, he had already been with my mom at that point for a while (me and her are 7 months apart). he wasnt there when she was born as he was with my mom, he even refused to take any responsibility for her and claimed he wasnt even har father when she was first born. now to my part, he was with my mom when i was born and they were still in a relationship, but he was in active addiction during that time. him and my mom had issues, and he ended up leaving me a few days after my first birthday. I obviously dont remember that, as i didnt really gain consciousness until around 2.5 years old. I do however remember things after that, i remember him yelling at my mom on the phone demanding to let me see him because in his words, "I havent been high in over 2 days, my dealer bailed out on me and i wanna be involved now that im doing better!" i remember him banging on our door when i was around 3 in the middle of the night, pleading with her to see me, i had stood behind the kitchen counter so neither of them could see me, but i could hear and see it all. i saw him fall to his knees with tears down his face begging to see his baby girl, and saying how he cant stand seeing me grow up through Facebook but not actually see me. i remember my old stepdad at that time (he was an abusive sack of shit and he was strong as hell), had grabbed my dad-it was fairly easy as he was skin and bones due to the drug use-and took him somewhere, i think i remember him telling my mom he dropped him off at a bus stop but i cant quite be sure. i had always known my stepdad wasnt my real dad, and i knew some things about my dad leaving because i had picked up on it from all the stories id heard my mom talk about. i vividly remember being around 3.5 years old asking my mom why "daddy didnt love me enough to be with me." she didnt give me an answer and i think that little me had taken it as i wasnt good enough, and ive held onto that notion all my life no matter what others say. my dad got into recovery when i was 4 something years old and hes been clean ever since. my sisters mom was quick to give him visitation, and she would often go with him to n/a meetings, she grew up in those walls and those rooms and i would always hear my mom and my grandma (his mom, she kept-and still keeps-a strong relationship with my mom) always talk about it. i was so jealous because to me it was just "why am i still not good enough for daddys love, why doesnt he love me like he loves sissy." (my grandma had actually reached out to my sisters mom when we were around 2-3 and we had a relationship outside of my dad, thats how i knew about her because we would occasionally see each other.) when i was turning 5, my mom still hadnt let me see him and on my birthday he had called begging to see me because he was 6 months (i think) clean. she had said no and that i already had a father figure and i didnt need him. i remember hearing him speak at his meetings about how that was one of the hardest nights of his life, how he had to lock himself in a motel room and barricade the door with the dresser of the room looking at the lock until it hit 12:01 just so that he wouldnt get high. eventually my mom thankfully divorced my old stepdad, he was a horrible person and he also caused me alot of issues when i was little that still affect me even now. because of that divorce i had noone to drive me to and from school/sports so my mom asked him. he was around 9 months clean at this point. he gladly agreed and so two days a week he would pick me up from school and take me to the library for an hour and read with me (he always brought me homemade food too) for a little while before driving me to my sport. he did that for a few months before i was able to sleep over at his house recovery house (for anyone that doesnt know what that is its a house full of a few people all in recovery and all roommating together where they stay for the first time after getting out of the immediate rehab program) for the very first time. hes been an involved dad ever since and i see him every weekend. him and my stepmom and my mom and my current stepdad are good coparents and work well to make sure im cared for properly. hes been clean for 10ish years and hes been a present father since i was 5. i dont know why but i still always go back to those memories and even though everyone tells me its not my fault, i still cant help but wonder why i wasnt enough to make him stay and why i wasnt enough to make him get clean and why i wasnt enough to make him love me when i needed him. (he got clean because of a nudge from the judge) i also have alot of issues from my old stepdad. ive had conversations with my dad and he always tells me that my feelings are valid and he put me through so much shit as a child and he wishes he could do things differently, and how he knows hes the reason for my abandonment issues, attachment issues, self sabotaging, and ones such as those which i will not be getting into for personal preservation reasons. i still havent recovered from the issues even after all these years, i didnt grow up with a stable father figure (even after e came into my life he still wasnt always the best and i dont blame him for that i know he was struggling) and i didnt grow up with the stability i needed. i grew up couch surfing with my mom sometimes and getting constantly lashed out at from my old stepdad. i gew up feeling like i wasnt enough for my dads love and i still am affected by it. i dont know if it even counts as having "daddy issues" or if im being dramatic. i just need some closure and reassurance i guess that what i went through, have felt, and am still feeling is valid. alot of people have it worse than me and my dad is now a present father and does his best. i dont know if what i went through is even a big thing and i dont know what to do. one thing that stuck with me due to feeling like i wasnt enough for him is needing validation, and this situation is probably an example of that. i need validation to know that what i went though isnt me being dramatic. i know i have issues from it but just the main reason i dont know if it counts as that is because hes back now. even tho his past actions hurt me and still continue to affect me constantly even in my every day life, it still hurts me and my relationships. i dont know what to do and i just need someone to answer my question please. sorry this was long i just needed story for it to all make sense. please someone lmk.