Adjectives that start with s to describe sounds

I (college senior) like a guy (college junior). We have known each other this semester but have grown close, where during the last few weeks we would see each other almost everyday. Mainly, to do homework and study but also to talk.
I really enjoy my time with him in person, but over text, he’s a bad texter (barely reply unless it’s like action required texts). Also, he’s bi but he has only hooked up with men in the past and has never been in a relationship, so bi leaning gay? I have never been in a relationship before. I had crushes but nothing like this, probably because we are close friends? (At least I think we are). Realistically, I don’t think our friendship will be the way it was in the semester because we will have different lives — he’s still student and I’m graduating. Our friendship started out of proximity and convenience, and throughout the time, we grew closer because of how much we see each other. We also don’t really talk about the deep thoughts since he mostly deflects. Our friendship is mainly bantering and yapping. My friends all really like him also and I know we all want to keep him as a friend.
Another thing is that there’s a mutual friend who also really like him (like intensely, a music playlist was created and everything). I kinda pushed them together because at that moment, I was denying the fact that I liked him and was thinking more along the line of he’s a little brother. Plus, our mutual friend is a junior who is gay so they’re more connected. The mutual friend confessed to him this past week since they were both going away for the summer. While the feelings were not reciprocated, he said he’s open to trying to get to know the friend more/open to the idea of them. I don’t think they’re as close as me and him since they’ve met each other like twice. I respect both and don’t want to be a bitch in this whole scenario. I guess I’m kinda jealous b/c the friend is brave for just taking the lead in it, and jealous that I can’t be like that.
I don’t know. Do we fuck it and tell him? Or ride out the feelings?
TLDR: like guy friend but keep friendship? or be a semi-home wrecker?

My family’s 14 year old havanese dog keeps getting a recurring layer of mucus-y looking crust on her nose. We have to wipe it with a damp rag for it to soften enough to wipe off. It’s been happening for maybe the last year max, and it’s becoming more frequent that we have to work it off. Like if I wipe it off one day, it’s already starting to get crusty again the next day. Sometimes the skin on her nose is a little raw underneath. She’s in relatively ok health, she’s been on medication for seizures for years and has some liver issues. Any ideas on what’s causing this/ what we can do to help besides wiping the crust off every other day?

It's been now 6 years that I live abroad (in France), and while I have a work (hamdoulillah), I have issues imposing my legitimacy as I have a strong maghrebian accent. It's hearable when I pronounce en and on and also when I say other sounds.
In the most radical cases, people laugh at me or look me at me with contempt. This accent can't let me forget that I'm from Algeria and that I'll never be France, the same way it reminds it to French native people.
I'm starting to develop a little complex. How could I deal with it, especially when the person in front smiles when I talk ?

Hello, Just for background, I was pregnant 5 weeks and went to PP to confirm this with an ultrasound. They showed me the sac in the uterus and proceeded to explain the first pill I needed to take. I took the first pill mifepristone yesterday at 12:45 pm. I went back home and got a few things to prepare the next day. I usually have light regular periods and use tampons so I only got l the maxi pad (not diaper), heating pads, ibuprofen, Gatorade, water, wipes, vaginal soap. During the night, I experienced a little cramping, but nothing major. I woke up around 3 am to pee and noticed that I had started bleeding lightly. I put on a pad and went back to sleep. I woke up at around 9 am the next day to check my pad and there was some light bleeding, so I was not too worried since it was mentioned that this was normal. I set up all the medicine I need to take and set my alarms for when I need to take them. I ate breakfast at around 9:30pm-10pm. I had some bread, hard boiled egg, spam and rice. I was feeling a little hungry. But at this time, I was still feeling okay, no cramps, just light bleeding. Finally at 12:15pm I took 3 ibuprofen pills and 1 anti-nausea medicine that PP had given me. While waiting for the 30 mins, I went to the bathroom to poop and changed my pad, got into comfortable clothes. I had my water ready and gatorade, because I knew I needed to stay hydrated the whole time. When 12:45pm comes, I take the 4 pills and put 2 each on the side of my cheek, set my timer to 30 mins and waited. The pills were chalky and I swallowed whatever was being dissolved with my saliva. After the 30 mins, I just swished the leftover pills in my mouth and swallowed everything. I went back to my couch and sat there, put on a show, and anticipated the cramping and bleeding. Right away, about 20 mins after, I felt really strong cramping, all the way to my back, so I kept using the heat pad. My boyfriend was holding my hand and trying to massage my back the whole time, which helped a lot. I 100% recommend having someone there with you. It was really painful and I didn’t stop myself from letting out noises. It felt like my uterus was being shedded and twisted. It would stop for a bit and then start again. I tried to inhale and exhale deeply at the point to calm myself down. I assumed this is what some people felt during heavy period, but I wasn’t used to it so it was all new. I also noticed that I was rocking back and forth and just sitting down, not fully laying down. This for some reason helped with the pain. I was hydrating the whole time, going back and forth between water and Gatorade. At this point, the cramps increased and I felt the urge that something was going to come out. I went to the bathroom and sat down but nothing came out. The cramps increased and I had started crying due to the pain. I would go back and forth to the couch and then to the bathroom again everytime I felt like something was going to come out. At around 1:45 pm, I went back to the bathroom and sat again. There was a bit of bleeding and some clots coming out at this point. I was sitting there for a bit, having the need the push. I kept my heat pad with me the whole time and also kept drinking water and Gatorade when I can. The more I sat there, I finally pooped and I know this was normal since diarrhea is a side effect. I cleaned up and the cramps did not stop so I just sat in the bathroom with my boyfriend, so I can go to the toilet anytime. At this point, the cramps were horrible but I didn’t feel like I was gonna pass out or vomit. I kept the heat pad with me and my boyfriend was massaging me and holding me on the bathroom floor. It literally felt like it would never end. Finally around 2 pm, I felt the urge again to push something out. So I sat in the toilet and kept massaging. At this point I was bleeding out clots but not the tissue yet. I stayed for several minutes and kept hydrating myself. At 2:10 pm, I felt the urge to push and that’s when it came out. I knew that must be it since it was white and shaped like a sac and when I looked closer I could make out the shape of a small fetus. I immediately felt release and instantly felt better. I even felt like my vision got a bit better. The cramping immediately went down. I chugged down water and Gatorade and went back in the sofa. Now, I am just sitting and relaxing, I don’t have heavy cramping anymore or the urge to push. Does this sound like my MA was successful? I am wondering because it seemed like it happened so fast for me. I was reading that some people were cramping for 6 hrs and more. I am hoping that was the hard part. I have a follow up appointment in 2 weeks for an ultrasound

I moved abroad three years ago to study. Best decision I ever made. My mum texts me to ask how my exams are going, and ask if I applied for my masters yet. I told her no, the deadline is not until spring 2025. She had not realised that I have studied part time for the last two years and won’t graduate until next year.
I was hoping that this time, might be the time she finally accepts I am an adult and I make my own decisions without needing her involvement at any stage. I have done since I moved out at eighteen but every time she ‘finds something out’ aka it comes up in conversation she starts quizzing me about when did I decide that, why did I decide that, and of course why didn’t you tell me earlier?!
Buuuuut no. “Since when?” “You just never said anything! But it makes sense to get more balance”
GEE THANKS for the permission to do whatever the fuck I want. I don’t even know what/if to respond. There’s nothing I can say that won’t hurt her feelings and start a fight. At the moment we manage a distant, cordial relationship where she texts me photos of whatever crap she is doing 1-2x per week and I respond. Sometimes she asks me questions so that she can turn the conversation back to the thing she really wanted to tell me. We have had several blow ups since I was here where she bemoans that we aren’t close anymore (aka i moved out and am not physically close), I lay out my problems with her, tells me she’s sorry I feel this way and she didn’t mean it. This sucks. I don’t want to make our relationship even more strained. Rant over.

I want to pitch an idea that is not original, and might even have been discussed on this sub before. Long story short, I don’t think there should be so many denominations. I am encouraged by the efforts of Pope Francis and Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew in improving relations between the Eastern Orthodox and Roman Catholic Churches. Protestants…we have been a different story. If I had a dollar for every protestant denomination in existence, I would retire right now in my 20’s. So many of us believe in the same things, and with more people especially young Protestants being non-denom we should try to pull our organizing bodies together to form one full church, one united in a basic orthodoxy and not mere market fluctuations. From there we can start thinking about re-entering communion with the Catholic/Orthodox church but that’s much harder. We would have to agree to what I would call “The Grand Council”, this will certainly require a lot of sacrifice and possibly last many, many decades. But I am up for it. Any thoughts?

Hi all! I have been researching parts for my first ever PC and I was hoping to get some suggestions for my build. I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing, but I have a friend that is going to help me put it together. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
1. What will you be doing with this PC? Be as specific as possible, and include specific games or programs you will be using: Gaming + Adobe Creative Suite for work-related projects (I have been wrestling with Photoshop on my laptop for years and I just want my Adobe programs to run smoothly). I am also considering playing around with PNGTuber Plus. Games include Persona 3 Reload, BG3, Genshin/HSR, nothing too intensive but I would like to have the opportunity to get into more advanced games!
2. What is your maximum budget before rebates/shipping/taxes: Max would be $2000-$2500!
3. When do you plan on building/buying the PC? Note: beyond a week or two from today means any build you receive will be out of date when you want to buy: As soon as I have all the parts bought I want to get started!
4. What, exactly, do you need included in the budget? (ToweOS/monitokeyboard/mouse/etc\): Tower & OS mainly. I have a monitor that isn't great but it will do for the time being!
5. Which country (and state/province) will you be purchasing the parts in? If you're in US, do you have access to a Microcenter location: US, DFW area specifically. Microcenter is available for sure!
6. If reusing any parts (including monitor(s)/keyboard/mouse/etc), what parts will you be reusing? Brands and models are appreciated: My monitor is from Dell and my keyboard/mouse are from Amazon. I will probably change them out once the build is done and I know what I really want to replace. Any suggestions are welcome!
7. Will you be overclocking? If yes, are you interested in overclocking right away, or down the line? CPU and/or GPU: Not at the moment!
8. Are there any specific features or items you want/need in the build? (ex: SSD, large amount of storage or a RAID setup, CUDA or OpenCL support, etc): I mainly want a lot of storage and for the PC to run smoothly with all the programs I use.
9. Do you have any specific case preferences (Size like ITX/microATX/mid-towefull-tower, styles, colors, window or not, LED lighting, etc), or a particular color theme preference for the components: Not really! LED lights would be sick but it's not a dealbreaker. Something clean and sleek would be nice but I don't really have a color preference.
10. Do you need a copy of Windows included in the budget? If you do need one included, do you have a preference: Yes, and I don't have a preference - whatever you all think will work best will work for me!
11. Extra info or particulars: My friend that's helping me build recommended that I don't use a water-cooled PC for my first, so a lot of good airflow is another plus. Something easy to clean out because I have cats that shed quite a bit! Also any cable management suggestions would be wonderful as my desk is currently a mess.
Thank you for the help in advance! I'm super excited to get started and learn about the process :)

My boyfriend, his family, and I have been planning to go to Malaysia for two weeks in November and my older sister hates this idea.
For context, during the previous year I was stuck at a minimum wage job (which I hated but I stayed at because there was no other options) My older sister offered me a job at the company she works at which pays well and gives good hours. She even managed to convince her boss to increase my original wage. The only catch is I’m contracted only 1 year as I am covering someone on Maternity leave.
Earlier in the year my sister took a holiday to Korea. She was originally going with her friend but they cancelled 2 months before the trip. My older sister offered me her friend’s travel place because she said it was essential to have a travel buddy when going to Korea, she convinced me by saying she will pay the plane ticket and I wouldn’t have to pay her back at all.
Now I have started this job, I wanted to put a 2 week request in 6 months from now. (Not immediately) My older sister lost her shit because apparently I “owe” her. She wants to go see a concert (which she has already seen 3 times but wants to see an additional 3 times) and she wants to go on holiday during the same days as me and is worried it will leave our team short staffed.
I’m unable to change my holiday days, because I’m going on holiday with my boyfriends family, and they have specifically booked those weeks in November off as they run a business and those days were most convenient for them.
My contract tells me I’m entitled to holiday so I’m well in my rights to go on this holiday. I’ve tried using this card on my sister but she thinks I’m wrong for taking holiday to begin with because technically im the maternity cover. And according to her it doesnt look good if the maternity cover goes on holiday (despite my contract rights)
I just find it unfair my sister gets a say in what I do just because she did me a few favours. She’s complained to my parents saying “i got her a job, i got her a holiday, i got her a pay rise, therefore she should do what I say” Does this really mean she’s entitled to controlling my actions now?
Really I’ve done her the favours too. I’ve benefited her by accompanying her to Korea. In her own words “It’s difficult to travel alone in Korea because some places won’t let you come in as a single tourist” And I’ve also benefited her by taking the maternity cover job. Her workplace aren’t too keen on hiring people with no connections to the employees of the business so I’ve made it easier on all of them by accepting this job, meaning they don’t have to find an external hire.
She’s super paranoid about her reputation in the company as she is the one that bought me in. She’s very convinced these 2 holiday weeks are going to ruin her reputation there.
Am I being entitled here or is she? I understand she bought me a holiday and got me a new job but does this really give her the right to dictate what I get to do after? Of course I’ve thanked her and I’m grateful for everything but honestly I wouldn’t have taken anything from her if there were strings attached to my freedom afterwards. With her shitty attitude I’m tempted to throw £700 (the cost of the plane ticket) at her face and quit this job if she’s constantly going to use these cards against me every time we have a disagreement.

today i was at a theme park. I used the rollercoasters as an excuse to scream as loud as i wanted with no repercussions. It was freeing and i really needed it. But i just feel so so numb. I have memorised the letter my girlfriend wrote my in february, and i wish i hadn’t. Sometimes i wish she never even wrote me one because it is just such a painful letter. Not one hurtful word. It was so full of love and the entire thing was just her telling me i was amazing and that in another lifetime we’re everything and more. I really hate her for leaving me. She even said she was gonna start therapy two days before she done it, without me even telling her to. Why does my brain keep telling me she’s gonna tap me in public and tell me this was all a prank. Probably cause it’s what my heart desires most. I can’t stop thinking about what she’d say if it was possible for me to wake her up.. would she be happy her attempt worked? ugh i just don’t know anymore and i want her back. I HATE the permanence of death and i wish there was a phone box wherever she is:(

I started a painting over a scrap canvas that a friend had already used spray paint on. I don’t know what kind of spray paint it was, and I don’t know much about spray paint, but it seems like it must be either latex or oil based because the acrylic cracked like crazy sitting on top of it.
Unfortunately for me, this thing that was supposed to be a scrappy practice piece turned out to be one of my best paintings ever. Now it’s sold, and I need to varnish it.
So far I’ve used two coats of liquitex acrylic gloss varnish. It looks nice and vibrant, but it’s only made the cracks even more obvious.
Is there any solution to this? Can I put an oil- or latex- based varnish over this or am I stuck with a crackly painting? Any help is appreciated!

When I started working with Loki actually just this week, I was worried because of the research I’ve done say that Loki is chaotic to work with, things could do horrendously wrong in the name of lessons and it’s “not for everyone” but I felt like he’d been calling me for years!
I decided to take the plunge this week and I’ve been so much happier, almost like a honeymoon phase. Music hits different, I find myself dancing more and I feel his energy around, dancing with me.
And I’m not skilled in reading Runes but I was gifted a set from an owner of my metaphysical shop, and I’m now trying to learn them. Until I do I am better at Tarot and he claimed my Crow Tarot as his and any time he wants to talk he moves my tarot deck around.
I’ll go to work or sleep and KNOW FOR A FACT my deck was straight and perfect on his altar when I leave and I’ll come back and it’s skewed up noticeably. I’ve worked with deities before and loved the experience but this is so cool!
What was your first few weeks with Loki like?

I just wrote down stuff I found interesting. She has great video recaps of the entire situation including blind items. Anyone new or confused should watch her videos they are great and concise.
Ak admits crime happened:

• Ak defamed the lawyer suing him. Implies that he is extorting him so he puts out unfavorable stuff about diddy (Tyrone Blackburn)
  
  • Also accused him of extortion
• “If I go down yall are going down with me”
  
• Lawsuit filed in NJ
  
• Lawyer is related to Diddy case
  
• Ak has the same lawyer as Tasha K (Olga something)
  
• “How can we trust him defending diddy or Drake when he has the same accusations against him?”
  

Ak demands diddy and Drake:

• Ak was bragging about text messages exonerating him of the victim saying nothing happened. Turns out she was wearing a wire and the police were texting him to set him up. Fucking idiot 💀
  
• Dj vlad is apparently “the opps” and everyone gets in trouble after talking to him
  
• Ak dumped sheets/towels/clothes with dna evidence at a dumpster far away from his house. Police were surveilling him.
  
• Attorney general is deciding whether or not to press charges
  
• Ak started out dragging Diddy and Yung Miami. Then when he found out the lawyer suing Diddy was the same suing him, he began supporting Diddy in an attempt to discredit the lawyer thus discrediting his rape case. He wants everyone to believe it’s extortion.
  

Police sent texts:

• Ak claims the feds cleared him. Wrong. A small town police station did. There were 4 nos and 8 yes’s from an all white jury. 4 men said no 3 men and 5 women said yes to prosecute.
  
• Ak said he never touched her but texted her to get tested. His dna is also in the rape kit.
  
• This was a very violent and planned attack. The victim had burns on her body.
  
• Why won’t Ak just settle?
  

Ak sued: Just goes over the lawsuit nothing new.
Chris Alvarez statement:

• “Imagine if Chris was a woman called over by an international superstar to listen to beats at 3am…”
  
• How did Drake get his number?
  
• Why didn’t Drake send a driver?
  
• “I find it funny that a reporter whose job it is to keep up with the news knows nothing about his good friend. He should have said no comment instead of lying.”
  
• Why would he even mention the minors?
  

Drake Freak off:

• Drake apparently uses the mark hotel for freak offs with lgbt’s and minors (blind item)
  
• Drakes a dog fucker (blind item)
  
• Why were the police called that night
  
• Caviar might be code for scat???
  
• Believes the whole house of ebony runs this account
  
• If they already made a police report, who’s protecting Drake?
  

Ak exposes Drake:

• Caviar and potatoes are code for freaky shit (scat and dogs/minors?)
  
• Right after Ak watches the dog video, he says “I have never been to any freaky parties at the mark.”
  

At this point the videos start getting into things we have already discussed/seen in the sub.

To start I am a huge gin fan and have always been a little jealous of how many experimental flavors other spirits get. Recently I had the Hendrick’s Grand Cabaret (fantastic for those who haven’t tried it) and was inspired to try my own flavored gin. For the preparation I took 1 whole cantaloupe and 1 whole honeydew and cubed each, then put them in a big air tight container. Filled the container with enough unflavored Hendrick’s Gin to cover the melon (roughly 850 ml) then let that sit unrefrigerated for 7 days (testing each day). Flash forward to today it is delicious! Up front you get the expected sweetness from the melon. The actual melon flavors really softened out the burn from the gin. On the back you get a little bit of the funk and subtle saltiness from the cantaloupe. It’s fantastic. The obvious applications are standard G&T or gin and soda with a little lime, but am wondering if there’s any gin cocktails people love that they think this might work in? Any recommendations are appreciated!

Loved this game played very little way back but recently came back with most the wave made it all the way to level 184 befor meeting the most toxic pos I’ve meet level 600 no idea who is comes over n starts grieving tf out my base like ion get it there’s always gotta be that one guy but really 😭😭

the reason of it is that lootbox help to hold player base and making get cosmetic easy in mind of other player. On examples where the game hold on lootboxes is cs and ganshin and maybe apex. or another example where they remove lootbox and player hate it its overwatch 2. i will thinking alot about it before and today i see a video of example how lootbox can work in game and write this post it can get a lot of downvote but if its save the game then I'll take it. example how they can make it more fit in game it's making its gift from a sponsors (like how in real life sponsor send something for the ambassador) like ospuze or vulpe, where you get if its like white item it's just a sound or something like this if blue its recolor for gun or clothes with sponsors color for epic its recolor with emblem of sponsor. for legendary it’s a special item (not recolor),and some sort of craft material name it like sponsor trust where you can spend for buying this sponsor skin + you can implement it with contract feature where the sponsor to whom you spent more points gives you contracts deal with special item. i think it's really help for holding a player base. because some time i heard topics like i open all guns and gadgets finish battle pass now i will not play a game until new session start

Posting on my throwaway again because I have nothing else to fucking do but post on Reddit because no one gives a shit about me LOLLLL
My second time posting about this because I don’t know what else to do with myself, this is killing me and at the very least it helps to vent, i have no one to vent to or to speak to, shouting into the void doesn’t help, crying about it doesn’t help, so I might as well talk about it on here. Ive had some lovely people respond to me on BPD subreddits here and I appreciate their support and advice much more than I can express, so if you were one of those people, thank you.
Its been 23 hours since I (M19) last spoke to my fp (M20) after he was sent to the psych ward for what will likely be a week or so, I know at face value it does not seem like a long time but these hours have been torture. We both have BPD and mutual fps on each other, before all of this, we were together 24/7, it sounds like an exaggeration but one look at our call logs and you’d be mistaken. We were constantly on the phone, if not calling, texting or on video-chat (I am unable to visit him due to college.) We are completely open with each other, we sleep together, eat together, bathe together, It’s really hard to separate. This is the first time we’ve had to officially separate for longer than an hour or two, this is killing me.
I’ve tried to distract myself but I have nothing else to do but cry and feel empty and lonely, this has only proved to me that I have no one else but him, I am completely and utterly alone, I’ve tried to reach out to an old friend who was like a brother to me but despite being online, I have received no response, it almost feels like a slap to the face, after being there for him every single time he needed me, I can’t have a single time he returns the favor, I am alone, no one gives a fuck out of me, I wish I could just end this all but I know I can’t, I promised him I wouldn’t do anything but I can feel myself shaking, I’m desperate for something or someone to realize that I’m at my fucking breaking point, i just want someone to prove they care, i want someone to ask me if I’m ok for once, i want to do something else but sleep and cry, I’m fucking tired, I’m so fucking sad and so fucking angry amd so fucking empty.
On a different note, i spoke to my psychiatrist and she said i could go back on my medication since the hives that I mentioned in my last post were likely from stress so at least I’m not unmedicated now.

Delete if not allowed
I’m a UK based artist looking to work with someone based in the US on a clothing brand.
I’ve been into fashion and streetwear since 2009 and seen the shifts in the culture since then. I feel as though now is the time to start a brand. I would like to work with someone that’s good at marketing and the business side of things whilst I tackle the creative stuff and designs. I’m more of an illustrative artist vs graphic designer.
I am very serious about starting right away and will put the money that I’ve saved to get things rolling. If this sounds like a partnership you’d like to get involved in, please DM me on here. I’ll arrange a call and share my artwork.
Brands I’m into - (Kiko Kostanido/Affx Works/Off White/Braindead/P.A.M/Online Ceramics/Kapital)
Stuff that I’m into - (hip hop, metal, uk grime and dubstep, alternative music, any obscure genres/Impressionist Art/Fine Dining/Anime … leaning more so manga…like dragon ball,hxh,jjk,yugioh,monster etc/fitness/spirituality etc)
I promise you that the art I make is the kind of stuff you won’t see here.

TL;DR: my ex-boyfriend has been treating me hot/cold but I love him too much to care. Please bring me back down to earth.
Here is a bit of a backstory: my (now) ex-boyfriend and I met in January 2023 and started dating at the end of February after getting along well on our first four dates and calling for multiple hours a day when I was away learning to further my education for a month. We really clicked in our relationship and never had any problems; never even argued. I met his parents, but due to some family issues on my end, he never met mine and I instead introduced him to my closest friend that still lived in the same city as I did (my other friends all moved to different countries for university). Now, although I've had three boyfriends before him (longest one having been a year), I've never loved anyone in my life. That was until my ex came along, who showed me how I should be treated, was always there for me, put in effort and was extremely kind and good to me. I fell in love with him in the beginning of April (I know, that's extremely fast) and that love for him has only grown since then, although I never confessed this while we were together. We dated until mid-august 2023 and broke up because he was accepted into his dream university on a different continent. We planned the break up a day before he left; he was the one to bring it up and I suggested we stay friends. At the time, he had already decided that he would be coming back during his next summer break (so from may to the middle of august), but wasn't sure whether he'd be back every summer. He also wasn't sure whether he'd ever be coming back permanently. I also moved away for university, although just to a neighboring country, so much, much closer. The first two months after we broke up, we spoke very little to each other (so one to two times a week via text) in order to process everything and heal. We both have Birthdays at the end of September, his being nine days after mine, so I wrote him a two and a half typed letter and made a collage of random pictures on the internet that reminded me of our experiences together (sadly, I don't have a single picture of him or us together as he doesn't like taking them) as a gift. He was very grateful and sweet about this. In the months after, we started to text and also call more frequently. Since there was a significant time difference between us, I often stayed up all night or got up in the middle of the night just to talk to him. At some point, I made a sleep-drunk mistake of writing him that we should stop chatting now lest I tell him something I'd regret in the morning. Of course, he was rightfully inquisitive afterwards and asked about it cutely the two days after. Until I made another sleep drunk mistake and pulled up an old text I had sent him on the first of April 2023, which said: "The moon is beautiful, isn't it?" and told him to google it. That phrase is basically a poetic way of saying I love you. I know that that was an extremely shitty thing to do, especially over a text, after we had broken up almost half a year before and I told him that I was really sorry and felt very guilty for it. He then surprised me by saying that he felt the same way. We kept in relatively close contact afterwards and would talk about anything and everything, just like we did when we were together. This continued until the beginning of this year, until he started being very distant towards me and it was tiring to converse with him as I had to stem the whole conversation, often being exhausted. At some point, my mental health started acting up again and several things happened in my family that made me extremely unstable financially, which in turn stressed me out quite a lot. I was quite fed up with his behavior and him not explaining it in the slightest (I never communicated this) by this point, so I stopped putting in the effort of arranging times to call and taking the initiative of chatting. He did reach out with a random emoji or an "How are you doing?" sometimes, but not very frequently. Whenever he did, I gladly answered him and engaged in conversations. The next few days, I'd also initiate conversations but these were always much more distant than whenever he texted first. During this whole time, I was always extremely in love with him and had to force myself from not reaching out 24/7. I knew he was dealing with the passing of two grandparents that unfortunately died in the course of six months and that he was super busy with finals and everything, but his lack of engagement still really hurt. However, I also knew that I had no right to his time now that we were no longer together. Still, I tried to be there for him as much as possible during this difficult time. We kept getting more and more distant, and while I knew a lot of surface-level information about him, he no longer knew anything about me because he never asked. I started to accept that and began to blot out my feelings towards him. That was until he told me that once he was back home, he wanted to come visit me. Upon hearing that, I let all my feelings came back immediately. We started to call more often (these were still very distant) and often played his new favorite video game together. It wasn't really my thing but I bought it even though I could barely afford food that month (here's a thank you to my credit card company) but I knew that I could at least hear his voice and get a warm feeling that way. Around two weeks before his return home, I suggested that we should call without playing video games to talk about our situation and he agreed to do so after finishing his finals. That is what we did, around a week before his return. He explained that he thought he was demisexual and that, if he'd had the mindset about relationships that he has now when we first met, he'd probably never have asked me out. While he was saying this, I remember thinking "please don't break my heart, please don't break my heart", but he did. In his next sentence, he said that he'd like what we had when we were together back. Of course, I was elated. Just a small side-step about me: I am asexual through and through, and I think also a bit aromantic. I have never once in my life wanted to sleep with someone. I also never actively pursued a relationship, they just kind of happened. The only exception to this is my ex. Had he not asked me out the day after our ways were supposed to part, I would've done so the next morning. And, we also slept with each other. All this is to say that I understand how he felt, but it still hurt that I am not his exception to everything.
That phone call was last week. Now we are in the same city again and I saw him again just yesterday. I arrived by bus yesterday morning as I had decided to visit him sooner than was planned (the original plan was the end of may). I am extremely busy at the moment because I am preparing for a life-changing exam but I still decided to go, since he said that he didn't think he could come visit me after all because that wouldn't be convenient. So I saved up money and bought the bus tickets. Another thing is that I'm terrified of bus rides because of a bad past experience, which is why I didn't shut an eye during the nine-hour night ride. Upon arriving, I doused myself in caffeine so that I can think of follow-up questions quicker and make conversation easier with him in general.
I was set on him coming to my place since I was exhausted and didn't want to take two busses in one day, and so he came. Since I knew that he was distant and still figuring stuff out about himself, I let him make the first step, and, to my surprise he pulled me into a long, tight hug. This of course made me euphoric and I hoped that we could be together again for the summer. However, he was distant for the whole evening afterwards. We first played his favorite video game for hours while I took painkillers for my headache that always arises when I look at bright screens for a prolonged time, then ordered pizza. He didn't even offer to pay or even contribute, despite knowing my financial situation and him being in a much better financial spot than I am. Then, we watched a series. We were sitting next to each other, so I started to massage his head for a bit, until he got up to grab water. I wasn't sure whether this was just an excuse to get up or not, so I backed off for a little while afterwards. Then, I tried to hold his arm, and he gave it to me willingly. When it was time for bed, he started talking to me freely, just like we had always done and, as soon as the lights were out, he started cuddling me and holding me tight. I told him that he couldn't imagine how much I had missed him and he said that he felt the same way too. We cuddled a bit more and talked about random things, then he started touching me and going down on me, and just taking his time spoiling me. Afterwards he said that I could always ask him to do so again, whenever. I considered telling him that I still loved him, and that my love for him had just grown but my rational thinking luckily kicked in fast enough to prevent that. We held each other some more, listened to the sounds of the night and our breaths, then he made love to me and we fell asleep. This morning, he was distant and short with me. We ate the leftover pizza for breakfast, and over the first cup of coffee I had ever brewed in my life told me that he thought it'd be better if I didn't come back with him to his place later as the plan had been. My heart shattering in my chest wasn't noticeable on the outside since I always want us to be able to talk about things like this as objectively as possible. We talked about his university life for a bit normally, like we would have done when we were together and he even led the conversation. Then, he got up, packed his things, hugged me, and left.
Now I don't know what to do. The rational part of me knows it's over and that we'll never have a future together, but part of me hopes we can still be together this summer. Even if the goodbye hurts, it would be worth it to me. I always knew and he made it clear many times that his parents and friends were a priority over me to him; for me it is the opposite: he is a priority over everything to me, over my mother, over my friends, over my money, over my time and when necessary, even over myself. I also aways suspected that my feelings for him were much greater than his to me.
I really don't want this to be it. I want to hear his voice again many times over, I want to feel his touch, I want to share his time. I am just not ready to let go.
I don't really know what I want from this endlessly long post. I guess a conclusion? Maybe something that would make me ready to let go?
At the moment I don't feel like I'll ever want to love someone else. I could imagine spending years, decades with this man. I know the relationship was ridiculously short compared to others on here, but we just clicked unlike anyone else I've ever met.
Sorry for making this so long, and thank you so much for soldiering through this monstrosity. Any kind of advice would mean the world to me and help me a lot.

I hate to come on the internet and talk about personal issues. I was raised by my grandparents because my parents are incarcerated and I’m grateful! But I can’t take living like this anymore. I knew something was wrong with the way I was raised but I got in contact with my mother and me and my uncle started talking and we all said that we were mentally and psychologically abused and neglected. Now that I’ve come to that understanding I’ve been filled with a new sadness and anger. I notice things more now and I’m tired of it.
I’ve mostly gotten over the many arguments and the way my grandparents used to treat me now it’s the present I have a problem with. My sister and I have been taking care of them ever since we started working, more now so than ever because they are going blind! But that’s not the end of it we also have to pay for necessities. Which isn’t a big deal. I don’t mind. I live here too but my grandparents only care for wants and not needs. I can’t save because I have to pay for everything!
I’ve realized that we are poor, not broke, poor. But they don’t seem to get it. We are in food insecurity because my sister and I have our own bills to pay for on top of the things they neglect. My grandfather refuses to pay for anything and my grandmother only cares about keeping appearances and seeming as though we have money!
My sister has told me and other family members she wants to move out and during an awful argument my grandmother brought it up and got even angrier when my sister confirmed it.
Anyways, I guess what I’m asking is should I feel bad for wanting to leave? I don’t want to leave them alone and ofc I’m going to continue to help them but I can’t continue to stay here.
(No family or their children are helping us help them. It’s just us)

Couple ways to look at this. First way is that I dumped all of myself into Cloudkicker for about 15 years and it paid off in ridiculous ways I never imagined when I started. The kinds of music I made and the progress in my abilities, but also the friendships I’ve cultivated and the sheer satisfaction of knowing how many people really dig it. I know I’m not U2 or anything but for little old me it’s pretty insane.
But those Cloudkicker albums are so physically taxing and time consuming to create. It requires 12 hour days and long, long, unbroken lengths of time alone. I mean I manually clicked in every drum hit on every album, and it was an iterative process so I probably did all that 5-6 times over. I’m almost 40 and I have 2 kids and I just don’t want to do that anymore. Not to mention that with every successive “upgrade” Logic seems to punish me more and more for the way I do MIDI drums. I was only able to do Solitude because I had 3 months off from work during the pandemic.
So in that sense yeah, what Cloudkicker was from 2006-2020 is done.
But the other way of looking at it is that I am 100% of Cloudkicker and I’m now in a band with one other guy who happens to be one of the sickest and most creative prog/metal there is. Seriously, when I first heard Gospel in 2008 I told myself that if I ever got a chance to play with Vinny I would say yes no matter what. And somehow, some way, it happened.
And also, we’re somewhat regularly playing shows! I doubt we’ll ever tour properly but we’ve played 3 shows since September and we have another 3 lined up so far this year. They will have at least been in CT, CA, NY, IN, OH, and PA by the end of 2024 which means statistically, geographically, you’ll have a chance to see us if you’re in the US.
Yes progress is much slower than it was when I was in my 20s and single and making an album a year, but this is as much fun as I’ve ever had making music, and in 3 weeks we’re going to God City and recording an LP with Kurt freaking Ballou and then Magnus Lindberg is going to master it. This is like bucket list type stuff for me.
I can’t ever not make music, but I’m tired of doing it alone. I want to cash in on these connections I’ve made for the last decade and a half and see where else this can take me, but I also need it to work peacefully with my responsibilities to my family and my career.
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Ben's reddit post