Broken heart symbal

We're heading into the Pale Heart of the Traveler in Final Shape. It seems whatever happens in there affects the entire universe. I theorize that the Pale Heart ties into other parts of the lore, mainly Savathun and Ahamkara. Ahamkara lore tabs have wish dragons wanting to go somewhere "more real". There's Truth to Power, which is about Savathun studying black holes, the Distributary, and how time flows there.
In The Witch Queen's Collector's Edition, Ikora and Arach Jalaal. In it, they discuss Savathun seemingly wanting to ascend to a "higher" universe. Some have speculated that some characters have broken the 4th wall, and Savathun wants to "enter" the real world. However, I think there could be something else going on. The Pale Heart could be the "higher universe" or plane of existence.
The Destiny universe could be subordinate to the Pale Heart. There seems to be Ahamkara in the Pale Heart. Savathun might've wanted to ascend to the Pale Heart, either to escape the Witness, or become a fundamental paracausal power unto herself. Also, time in the Pale Heart may be slower than the Destiny universe. As it's been over a year since the Witness entered the Pale Heart, yet it's still not achieved the Final Shape.
You think this could be a nice way to help tie plot threads together, or think it's nonsense? Wild Final Shape is only 2 weeks away. Can't wait to see the revelations this'll have.

I think I scared him away. Maybe talking about my problems too much, I have ocd so I need a lot of reassurance. He is probably tired of me and found someone who is not as annoying. I didn’t want to check his snap score I told myself I wouldn’t but I did and lo and behold it it going up and it’s been three hours since he responded to me. I sound fucking crazy, I’m not going to say anything but I’m just so sad. I really try to be there for him and he always says how much he appreciates it but I must expect too much in return. I should not be this upset and I shouldn’t feel entitled to him responding to me just because I go out of my way to do anything for him. I worry I am a bad person or something. Maybe I have NPD and not BPD
Why can’t he respond to me but he can respond to his other friends? Idk it’s dumb

I think I scared him away. Maybe talking about my problems too much, I have ocd so I need a lot of reassurance. He is probably tired of me and found someone who is not as annoying. I didn’t want to check his snap score I told myself I wouldn’t but I did and lo and behold it it going up and it’s been three hours since he responded to me. I sound fucking crazy, I’m not going to say anything but I’m just so sad. I really try to be there for him and he always says how much he appreciates it but I must expect too much in return.

My girlfriend(32F) and I(31M) are in a long distance relationship since a year and a half. We’re both in different countries, we met through a dating app. When we stumbled upon each other, she had just broken up with her ex for about 6 months and was healing from a toxic relationship. Her ex was emotionally abusive and It took a toll on her and she started to question her self confidence. She went through therapy but discontinued shortly as became expensive.
As we began our relationship, we set things straight that we were purely going to get to know each other and become good friends first and then see where it takes us. As we got to know each other more, I started to fall for her and I saw her as the most precious human, still do! She’s got amazing qualities, she’s super funny, she’s kind, she’s the sweetest to literally everyone, she’s got a beautiful heart and soul, she’s sexy and whatnot. But we decided we were not going to say “I love you” until we meet in person.
During this time of us getting to know each other, she told me that she didn’t find me attractive physically and we don’t have an emotional connection like how she does with a few of her friends. And we convinced each other that it’ll take time for all that as we’re still getting to know each other. She used to make fun of how I laugh all the time when I’m talking to her, she’d make fun of the way I talk, the way I eat, the way I dance or sing( which I understand, I suck) but I used to send her pictures and videos of me singing and dancing for her while I was thinking of her. She used to make fun of those too and asked me not to do anything “extra” and just myself. That was me being myself and I felt that she didn’t like it, so I stopped it all.
She told me that her ex and all her ex boyfriends were charming and had a great personality. And it made me feel a little low thinking that maybe she doesn’t find me charming. Maybe I wasn’t her type, but she used to tell me that I’ve made her feel so comfortable that she can be herself around me and she likes that a lot. And she told me that this is helping her heal from her past as she felt that she wasn’t able to be herself in her past relationship before me. I felt good and I wanted to make her feel more comfortable, so, when the time is right, she’ll feel things for me.
She once mentioned that her friend and her were laughing about how they’re not into guys who are inexperienced and they would never want to get into a relationship with a virgin. Me, being a virgin, I told her I’d been with 3 partners and have had s*x because again, because of what she said earlier, I got scared and lied. I shouldn’t have. I was in three other relationships(each not lasting more than 2yrs) but never had sex because I wanted to have sex with the one with whom I’d be certain I’ll be spending the rest of my life with. I never felt that way with any of my exes and never had sex but did other stuff.
While her on the other hand, has had a quite a few hookups, friends with benefit with 1 guy, and had sex with all 4 other partners from her long relationships( each 3 year long). This was all before meeting me and I told her it’s good that she was experienced and I’ll probably get to learn from her experience.
6 months into the relationship, she had come down to my country and we spent 2 days together. I really wanted to hug her so badly and kiss her. But when we hugged, she said she didn’t feel any butterflies and it was awkward. This made me feel really low, but I told myself that she’s probably still healing from her past and it may take time for her corn around and open her heart for me. Never kissed. She asked me for a kiss after our “awkward hug” but I was scared that if we kissed and if she didn’t feel anything, she’d end things between us.
We met again 3 months down the road, this time we spent a solid 10 days together. I was really excited and I thought by now, she’d be comfortable around me and probably have feelings for me. She said she did. And by this time, she told me she loves me for the first time. And I truly believed it. We kissed for the first time, we made out a little and it was all good. But didn’t have sex, while we were foreplaying, she asked me to put it in and I wanted to but my dck in but it wouldn’t turn on. I never had a problem with my dck not working while masturbating, I used to imagine doing a lot of sexy things with my girlfriend.
Mentally, I was under a lot of pressure, that she has had amazing sex from her ex partners and what if I disappoint her. She did tell me that in her previous relationship, she had orgasmed 7 times in 24 hrs. I tried to not think of it, but subconsciously, I wanted to be good too, make her feel good and I wanted to make her feel satisfied. Anyways, when she asked me what was wrong, I told her that I was a virgin and she said it was okay, I shouldn’t have lied to her, she comforted me saying we can have sex later when I’m comfortable and wanted to make it special.
I felt supported and safe. It was good. I regretted not telling her earlier. During this meet, though we kissed not more than 15seconds, foreplayed a little, she was not comfortable with me touching her tummy, touch her bum, or even take a look at her p*ssy. I was fine with it, I understood that it may be because of her insecurities and I kept praising her how hot she was and how much I find her sexy.
This trip ended and we met again 4 months down the line, only for 5 days but we couro spend the time together only for 2 days. We hugged and she again, said the hug was awkward. We kissed, but never made out more than 15seconds, I was playing around with her body and this time she let me kiss her tummy and bum. But didn’t let me take a look her p*ssy and I was still fine. I understood her that she needs more time to be physically comfortable.
She went back and after a couple of months, I asked her why she used to push me away while we were kissing. Even during our hugs, I wanted to hug her tightly, but she used to tap out 5 seconds into the hug. She said it was because it was summer, it was too hot. Then later, she told me that those were intimate things and it takes time for her to be intimate with her partner. I tried to understand.
TL/ DR - What bothers me is, while she had her hookups, friends with benefit stuff, she was with a stranger and she would let them touch her anywhere in the body, she’d let them kiss her, make out with her for as long as they want, she’d let them look at her whole body while they were having sex, but not me. I’ve made it clear with her multiple times that I’m here for good and I want her to my life partner and that I love her, and yet, she’s not comfortable with me even after 1.5 years of our relationship but she has been comfortable with strangers whom she had just met.
It makes me think, that she either find me unattractive or she doesn’t look at me that way, yet. She tells me that she loves me, she finds me attractive and wants to get married to me, but I’m not able to trust her words because of her actions when we were together in person.
I love her to the moon, she is my freaking moon. But I don’t know if there’s something wrong with my thinking, maybe she doesn’t find me sexy, maybe doesn’t see me as a bad boy like her exes.
I mean, I know things will get better as we close the distance in 1 year when I move to her country but right now; I’m finding it very difficult to process the fact that she’s not comfortable with me physically even after all this time, but she’s so comfortable to kiss, make out or have s*x with a stranger.
Super Sorry for the long read. Please give me your honest insights.

Hi! This is going to be a long one/rant and story because I really don’t know who to talk to about this in real life because I’m not in therapy and I’m so embarrassed to be feeling this way knowing I made all the choices to be here and people are already flying in from out of state to come to our wedding. Also I’m diagnosed adhd incase any of yall are wondering what’s wrong with me once I tell you all the decisions I made to get here. I am getting married in three months and have a son who is 15 months old. My now fiance 28m and I 27f met whenever we were thirteen years old in middle school and started a tumultuous up and down / on and off again relationship. We were together all the way up until junior year in high school and we broke up. I come from a broken home and he does not. Looking back I realize how much of me staying with him and trying to keep his attention stemmed from my abandonment issues that I must have had from my own parents. After we broke up he joined a gang in my local hometown and I was still in love with him so I decided to still be involved with him even though I was not in a relationship with him. I ended up losing my virginity to him while we were not together just because I wanted to be with him and we said we were friends with benefits but really I was just in love with him and thought by doing that maybe he would want to be with me again but he didn’t and continued to sleep with other girls and do drugs. I also started doing drugs like Xanax and smoking to fit in with him and be cool. I ended up getting a horrible tattoo because one of the other girls he was also seeing had a bunch of tattoos. I dropped out of my high school college courses and ended up going to jail for marijuana in high school and got kicked out of cheer and softball. I ended up on probation and having to be drug tested for a year. Within that year after being heart broken and realizing nothing I did would make him change into who he was before he got involved in our local gang or make him want to be with me… I ended up enrolling in college and getting accepted to a university where I would move about two hours away from our home town to live on campus and study to be a nurse. While on probation, so I couldn’t really party or anything in college which was good (even though I was never really addicted to anything and it wouldn’t be that hard for me) I wanted to save money for a car so I ended up getting a job at the hooters next to my college and was in college full time and working at hooters. My sister happened to go to that same college before I did and live in that town with her ex bf and they would give me rides to and from work back to campus. Low and behold after about two semesters of me being in college and finally feeling like I was moving on from him, he came back messaging me and telling me he missed me and wanted to be with me again. I was stupid and so excited that I agreed and asked him to come see me at college where he would stay for the weekend and we would have an amazing time. I felt so good about myself doing what I was doing and being able to show my growth. Despite all that he was still able to convince me to leave school and come back to be with him and live with him and go to the college near our hometown and work at the hooters near our hometown. I had already felt like I didn’t want to be a nurse at the time because my sister who was a nurse told me you could never leave the state as a nurse if you get your license there (which she didn’t know at the time that you could) and I knew I didn’t want to stay where I was from and wanted to eventually travel. So I decided to leave and move back with him in his bedroom at his parents house where I would work at the hooters close to our home town and never enroll in the college. He would eventually break up with me while I was at work one day even though I was living with him and since I didn’t have a car he continued to take me back in forth from work and I continued to live with him and continued to be in love with him while he committed to the fact that he didn’t want to be in a relationship but wanted to marry me one day and just wasn’t ready for anything right now and still wanted to have sex with me which I did. From working at hooters I had auditioned for the calendar and ended up being really liked by the photographer and started doing some modeling from that which was super exciting for me because I always was interested in that and the pictures we took would blow up and I started getting well known in my area for modeling even though they were just pictures and I wasn’t making any money off of it. Eventually a guy came into hooters telling me about working as an exotic dancer and how much they could make and I still needed a car really badly and was desperate to get out of my ex’s (now fiance) house. So I told him I would be waitressing and that I heard the waitresses make good money there and asked him to give me a ride there one day and so he started giving me a ride everyday. The money was so good to me and the most money I had ever seen. I ended up staying in a hotel closer to the club I worked at and sometimes he would come stay with me and I would just uber to work. Eventually I had gotten a car which I was so happy about. A couple of weeks after I got a car I ended up getting sucked into human trafficking with a friend where I would live in a house with multiple girls for 6 months and go to work at the club every day of the week except Saturday and Sundays. I wasn’t doing anything extra just dancing but the money was going to some random guy. It’s crazy I know. I was stupid and young and my family were not concerned for me at all or involved in my life. unfortunately my friend is just now leaving that situation. I got out without anything no car or nothing and had nowhere to go so back to my exes I went where I decided I was going to buy a cash car again and I worked everyday like I was used to saved money and got a car. Moved to my sisters and stayed with her for a little where i decided I didn’t want to dance anymore and I got a job as a bottle service girl and then waitressing at another waitress. I continued modeling because it made me happy and I never told anyone the truth about the deep things that were happening in my life except for my now fiance. So nobody had no idea about me dancing or the human trafficking or anything. Everyone just knew I modeled. I ended up getting an apartment with some friends and One day I got the urge to go to California randomly and at my waitressing job I was handed $800 and I took it as a sign and booked a flight the next day. Where I went by myself my first time ever on a flight with no plans at all. The day I got there I got asked to be in a commercial two days later. My roommate and her friends flew out there to get me and she ended up being able to be in the commercial with me which ended up on tbs but I had to go back home to my apartment and responsibilities and couldn’t leave my roommate stranded. Even though months later we would end up getting in an argument and I’d move out and move back with my ex (now fiance) where I would continue to work and model (for free) and went back to the club to dance and then my sister ended up going to California for a travel nursing assignment and her and her bf broke up and she asked me to move with her. I had nothing else here, my ex was still saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship, he was consistently sleeping with other girls while we lived together and expected relationship things from me. I was paying for everything for him. I paid for him while he was in school for audio engineer, his gas, lunch, school clothes, shopping, I helped him open his own studio and bought his equipment and Mac for it, even though his parents were very involved in his life. I got all his family bday gifts and Christmas gifts every year. He was honestly just using me but I was so in love and blind. He encouraged me to go to California too so I had nothing else there for me, if he had told me to stay and he wanted to be with me I would’ve. I flew out on my 21st birthday and met my sister and Vegas where we would have such a great time and my ex spent that day hanging out with a girl that tried to fight me and didn’t even tell me happy birthday, I was crying in the bathroom in Vegas until my sister shook me and told me to get it together we’re in Vegas. I was so heart broken to be leaving him but he didn’t care. I got to LA and I instantly started modeling on day one I booked a photo shoot where I met a guy that reminded me of my ex (I know) but we instantly clicked and he was 7 years older than me. We ended up talking for a little bit and pursuing something even though I wasn’t ready emotionally but he didn’t really care and I was kind of star struck a little because he was a music producer for a very famous musician and he was very persistent but that’s another story. I ended up booking a music video as a main girl for my ex’s (now fiance) favorite artist. When it came out it was crazy because I felt like the universe and God was just blessing me for leaving that situation and I knew he would see it because he was so obsessed with that artist and it shook up the whole small town I was from. After that I booked a lot of cool jobs like Sephora and worked with a lot of companies, and did some music videos for other super famous artists, and walked in fashion shows and modeled for clothing brands etc. I was working all the time as an extra to pay my bills and I was meeting cool people. I was always getting invited to celebrities parties and just having such a fun time. I decided to start getting into acting instead and started going to acting school where a lot of well known celebrities also went to and I started having meetings with very popular directors and I was being mentored by famous directors and another person that created an tv entertainment channel that I won’t say here also mentored me a lot and got me a lot of meetings with these people and would go to dinners and stuff etc with a list celebrities. I truly was living the life. And coming from where I can it was almost a dream. I had gotten in a relationship my first year there with that other guy I mentioned who ended up being super possessive of me but he treated me like a queen in the sense of paying for everything, giving me a safe space to tell my feelings, open up, the sex was amazing, he would take me on trips, took me out of the country for the first time. We ended up not working out due to lifestyle differences and just being at two different places and wanting different things. He wanted to move out of the country and have a farm and I wasn’t ready to do that as I wanted to focus on my career. (But I would die to move out of the country on a farm now ironically and he is doing just that now like he said he would haha) anyway, I ended up having my own studio apartment by myself that I loved so much and was so proud of. My sister had moved to Montana and it took a lot for me to get my apartment like staying in a house with other girls for a little to sleeping in my car and at a spa for a couple days. When I would fly home or drive home to see my family I would always see my ex, everytime. We kept a friendship and sometimes I would still help him out if needed, he was interning at a church through his school for audio engineering and recording people at his studio in our hometown. By this time I was going to New York and Miami also sometimes and doing work there. I wasn’t as stressed about bills anymore. I was seeing guys every now and then but not at all interested in a relationship, my heart was still healing from the past and both my exes but mainly my first (now fiance). I was super focused on my career and optimistic, I was used to the grind and in no way ever thinking of quitting. It just wasn’t an option because I knew I would make it wherever that would be because to me that is all I had for me and all I ever knew I wanted and the only thing that saved me. Skip to around October 2019 I had found out about a girl my ex was seeing and it crushed me. He was doing with her just like he was with me though. Just “friends with benefits” I was living in my apartment in LA still and my uncle that helped raise me was getting really sick back home and put on hospice so I decided to take a trip back to see him. I would go to restaurants in my state and near my home town and people would ask to take pictures with me, and at the little ceasars drive through someone asked if I was me and stuff it was crazy because I hadn’t been home in awhile and I felt like what I was doing was finally paying off and people were recognizing me. It was surreal. I ended up going to see my ex. I had such a fear of losing him to this other girl for some reason. I was so scared he would get her pregnant or get in a serious relationship since I was gone so far away and I would never be with him, I would end up sleeping with him again and the girl found out and drove by his house mad and cussing me out and throwing stuff at me. We ended up getting in a fight which is so embarrassing and beneath me. I ended up crying to him that I wanted to be with him and don’t know why he never wanted to be with me which at this time he honestly was not even in my playing field anymore. He told me if I wanted to be with him I had to move back to my hometown.. my heart dropped to my stomach and I knew it wasn’t what I was supposed to do but I said okay… all because this is what I had wanted all those years. I decided to stay where the next two years all I would think about everyday was I was making the wrong decision and needed to go back to my life. My hometown had nothing for me.. COVID hit a couple months after me being there and we were terrified. We ended up getting everything out of my apartment and moving into a house around the corner from his parents. I had to tell him how I liked to communicate now without yelling and stuff which I learned from the boyfriend I had in LA and that I wasn’t going to put up with that disrespect but he never listened. Eventually everything went back to normal. I ended up going back to the club again dancing because I didn’t want to go backward and model here. He never wanted me to go back to LA even for a little bit even though that’s where my career and heart was so I had no idea what to do with my life. I started waitressing as well and getting back on my adhd meds. People started pressuring us to get pregnant and we tried for a year and 6 months. The month I found out I was pregnant before I knew, I quit my job and decided I was going to move back and get my life back. Two days later I found out I was pregnant…. Finally after trying for over a year. Our relationship was toxic just like the past he always yelled, I could never talk to him about my feelings without him saying I was trying to fight, he spit in my face once, threatened me, put his hands on me, he would tell me he was going to take my baby away from me as soon as I had it. I started asking him about getting married while I was pregnant and the proposal wasn’t even that. He got mad at me for asking one day and walked in the room and handed me the ring. It didn’t fit because I was pregnant & it was $27 (not that that matters but the proposal sucked).. he drained both my bank accounts and they closed it, charged my credit card up and put me in debt, he has not let me do anything I want to do like school or anything. He is so bad with money. He has an action figure addiction and at one point was spending 3k on action figures every month and turned one of the rooms in our house into a collection room so I had to take everything out of my closet and put my sons crib in there for the first year of his life. we have good times and I feel comfortable with him. He knows everything about me but he doesn’t respect me and sometimes I feel like he is intimidated by me. The sex isn’t good at all we always just ask “do you want to have sex” he never gives oral or foreplay, I never get pleasure. He’s an amazing dad though and loves his son. We have the most sweet and beautiful little boy now who I love so much and he loves him also. He’s very attentive to his son. But I still feel unheard. I can’t talk about my feelings. If I do it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change anything. He is so defensive and we never communicate for a solution it’s always just pointing fingers. I have started yelling again because I’m so used to it now and I hate it because I grew up like that and I finally grew out of it until I got back with him and recently started again and now he throws it in my face and knows I begged him not to do it forever but he never stopped and now I am too. I’ve asked him to take me to the movies and he hasn’t still. I just ask for more romance and stuff but it just feels like I have a roommate. I have nothing now. I had my car and we traded it in for a new car that he wanted. I always dreamed of the next car I’d get once I paid it off but he got it & it’s in his name now so I paid it off for nothing. I’m driving around his dream car. I’ve been planning our wedding since I birthed our son and everything is going good. Money is tight. He works at the church now full time and makes about 45k a year or so, my son has been waiting to start daycare for awhile so I have been home with him. I’ve tried starting jobs multiple times but he is against it unless it’s super fast money like going to the club which I am so repulsed by and absolutely hate it now. I tried going back to college but my old college won’t release my transcripts for fasfa because I owe them money. I started cosmetology school a few months ago which he was all for but two months in freaked out and him and his mom guilt tripped me that we can’t handle this right now and he was having a hard time doing the night time routine for the baby while I was at school so I had to leave and now owe that’s school for my kit unless I enroll again in 128 days. I also miss modeling so much and sometimes think I can start again but it’s been five years. My body is so different too after a baby. Everything I want is a no go. Especially moving out of our hometown. He says he wants to but I don’t think he does. We are constantly at his moms and dads and they tell us all the time we aren’t moving anywhere which is really hard for me as this place is super toxic for my soul. Anytime I get money he spends it. Anytime I save money he spends it. Even if it does go towards our bills. His action figure habit is almost nonexistent now and he has grown a lot in the past few months from that since I demanded my son have his own bedroom after his first bday and all his figures are in boxes now and told him he could turn the shed into his man cave. He says we can’t save because we have nothing to save after bills but I believe in saving anything even $5 a paycheck. It’s doable. I grew up poor so this is nothing to me but after living the lifestyle I lived in LA and going out with guys that respected me and cherished me it’s hard. I know nobody is perfect but we are about to get married and I’m scared… I have nothing though anymore. I’ve threatened to leave a couple times and he says he will take me to court and take my baby. I’m scared he might. I don’t want my son to be angry like him or not respect women how he does. In public he’s a saint. He also has a very supportive family that it’s almost toxic. They all blame me for his anger issues and say I make him that way. But he’s been punching walls since I met him in 8th grade. I know it’s not because of me. But I have nobody else and nowhere else to go. No money. No car. I’m at the bottom again where I was before. Only difference is now I have a son. And we are getting married in three months and I can’t call it off. I am older now and looking back on my life I realize he maybe truly never loved me and I was just so desperate for love. I got myself here nobody else. I accepted everything, even when my gut told me not to. ( he is not just horrible, he’s a great person just with some bad qualities like everyone but I’m tired of feeling stuck with someone that never truly wanted me and doesn’t care to grow in some ways or show me )
Please help.. what do I do?

I got a call tonight from my best friend in the whole wide world that her dad is on life support in the hospital and on a vent. We are only 21. She has an odd relationship with her parents, (divorced and long story of abuse with things) but at the end of the day that’s her dad and my heart is broken for her.
She was at the hospital 12 hours today, I told her I’m here for her, and if she wants to see me please let me know, I do not know really what more to do and my heart feels so heavy for her.
Just would appreciate advice and any helpful strategies to help best I can.
I did send her a “pocket hug” token from Amazon with a sweet message of “hugs and prayers here for you”
It just affects me more than a regular friend since she is my true best friend I feel so awful about it all.

I'm drunk right now and just need to vent. I can't stand this fucking illness anymore. I'm going throught a situation that seriously triggers my abandonment issues and the experience is unreal.
It has been a couple of months now, but the pain is still so damn intense. I'm doing great at not engaging in destructive behaviors too much, but it does nothing to soothe my suffering.
I'm doing everything to get better. I attend therapy religiously. I also have group therapy. I take my medication for my bipolar and I see my psychiatrist on a regular basis. Everyone tells me that i'm making incredible progress. But am I really doing better if I suffer just as much in the end?
I will never commit suicide. I can't do that. But sometimes I feel like i'm just going to die from my broken heart. Someone is just going to find me one day dead in my appartment. This is too much distress for a single body.

So I had my virginity stolen by a man. And I seriously need someone to talk to preferably a woman. I had a fiancée. And I’ve never felt better. It’s just I’m experiencing social issues because I made the mistake of sleeping with a man in my adult life and I feel like everyone knows, or that I was told on. Is it a really big problem. I know girls don’t wanna be with me now, but is it over for me? Because, I’ve always been obviously different, and I had a hard time with woman, and accepting normal woman behavior. I’ve always wanted to be married and have children, but is it over? I don’t want my son knowing I’ve been with men, and I don’t it’s right to be with a woman anymore. Am I gonna be okay? Because I’m single every single girl I meet I know is gonna be heart broken. And I’m single, and I know these girls at work are looking at me funny. And I understand human emotion. And I just need a way out. My whole life has been I’m gonna be saved by wonder woman. And did I mess up bad? Is any girl ever gonna like me?

Child Support and paternity fraud plz help
Where do I begin. For the purpose of this post, I will use fictious names and locations as it is ongoing, and out of respect (even though she doesn't deserve any)
My name is Daniel. I am 35 years old, and i am dying. I have a disease called systemic sclerosis. I am currently on a supplemental disability plan, until I get approved for SSI (social Security). Until then, my income is about 4K a month. I own a home but after child support and bills, NOT INCLUDING gas, food, haircuts, medical appointments, and or emergencies like my fridge just broke. (which i never go out) I am left with $260 that has to last me a month. I also have three children who I have to take care of half the time per the 50/50 agreement.
Recently, I found out my oldest, (who is 13) is not biologically mine. I decided to look into it as I had concerns for a while since my divorce as her cheating was very rampant. I also had caught her in 2017 with a man in my house, which is what prompted the divorce. But FL being a no fault state, doesn't matter. I also had to pay child support since the beginning and WHILE LEGALLY Married since 2010 because she had applied for financial support like food stamps and government assistance then. I know what your thinking. Why didnt you stop it then? I tried. You cant take yourself off child support. I also never grew up with a father and wanted that two-parent household. I don't run from responsibilities, like he did. Its how I was raised. Anyways, I married her, tried to do the right thing, she lied numerous times. she never worked, and I worked 90 plus hours a week. To look into her cheating, was impossible at the time as I was never home. and to busy providing for my family.
fast forward to now. My disease started to become worse and over three years; it didn't reveal itself until last year fully to actually pinpoint what this was. for instance, I had in 2019 pain behind my eyes and horrible headaches to the point that I thought I had MS. following year, I had trouble swallowing for 3 months. next year itching in the skin for three months. But prior, I had visited various doctors to see what was going on, each time a flare up then would last 3 to four months, which again, when you don't understand what's going on, you need to take time off to go see doctors, run tests, but this illness was and still is very elusive. with that being said I had 5 jobs since its first flare up till last year to continue to support my family and to pay child support. as of last year. I'm having trouble moving on certain days, breathing and acid reflux and muscle atrophy. (disease progression) especially when this is going on, it worsens everything as this is flared up. I was working under the table to try and make ends meet as I was paying child support still. I should add that the child support with 50/50 custody was $1029 for three kids cause I was making six figures at the time of divorce in 2018. Last year however, I couldn't work anymore, and filed for disability.
In june of last year, I had asked Susan, to get the children school supplies, (which she never does) as I was still paying at the time $1029 in child support. She said she didnt have the money despite now making 70k and her new BF living with her and is working whom she cheated on me with. With me working under the table, I bought them clothes, haircuts, school supplies (ive done every year) but then, I noticed she went on vacation to puerto rico and got a giant leg tattoo. At the time, I had already known what I had, and I asked myself why the heck am I doing this? So i turned to an attorney to get it modified. Again, this is June 20th to be exact of last year. My lawyer, stated that this was only going to be a 90 day turn around for the temporary modification then we will go for the final.
Since then, I have gone for a DNA test. I had to know. I am dying. I wanted to know. And you may judge me for this. but i have filed for disablement for paternity, meaning I am removing myself from the birth certificate. However, in the state of Florida, a mother can deny this and so can the courts. before you judge me, I have many reasons none of which have to do with him other then his mental disability (Aspergers) This illness, as days go by takes more and more from me. As previously aforementioned, I am left with 250 a month. I cannot go get a drs appointment pay for groceries or start planning my funeral which I will start making payments on soon. He also eats three times the amount that we all collectively do (Not his fault) but I have paid enough both mentally and financially. He also has trouble communicating as my suspicions is, that he was born of incest (gross) which is why I was 'chosen' to be his father at the time. Before you ask how do you know? Lets just say she had an uncle 'leave' during that time.
anyways, in February, I had the temporary modification hearing for child support and needless to say it was a circus. My doctor was subpoenaed to be there by my attorneys request to better my argument, even though I felt we didn't need her, she advised me to have my doctor there. Well, he attorney attacked my doctor and me for an hour and 40 mins when the court case was only supposed to go for an hour. He said "you saw another dr Max so and so and they said it was all in your head" (again I had flare ups on a illness that hadnt revealed itself correctly since last year). So there argument was that I was doctor seeking to avoid child support. After I have paid for 13 years never missing a payment. Her lawyer also targeted people who are living with me. Now I'll admit that I said they were friends which is true but how else can I pay for my attorney? Cant work, cant sell drugs, cant rob a bank? So they want to take there income into consideration. BS. She also hired a private investigator to watch me exercise outside and stated that because I can exercise, I can work..... Ok. Where's the 23 hours of the rest of the day watching me in pain. or when do you have me on video of a flare up from this terminal illness? (that's what I wanted to say)
Although I was granted the temporary modification, of $209, I left the court thinking wow, this woman can cheat, commit paternity fraud, not give two craps about our children, live with her mom in a section 8 home, and here I am doing whatever I can and I've done nothing wrong but be lied to and this is how my government, my country treats me? No wonder men my age dont have children this is insane. The paternity issue wasn't even brought up they said that this isnt the place for this and that the disestablishment will be another trial for those wondering. My lawyer only spoke for 5 mins. Asking her about her income cause thats the only thing that has changed since 2018 since she didnt work at the time. Other than that, it was an attack on me and my disease arguing my ability to work.
after leaving that, I didnt eat for 96 hours. I have since been crying nonstop. Compilating suicide. I am already heart broken about my son not being mine. Sure does a terminal illness make me said, no question everyday. But a life wasted on another? Cause I decided to be a man and take up responsibility? thats soul crushing. And to say "well, there is a big chance the courts will deny your request' thats BS. If i go to prison because I was accused of a robbery for 13 years, and DNA evidence proves I wasnt there, I get out of jail and can sue. This is no different. If anything, DNA evidence needs to be more of a factor in family law than in almost every court of law if not as equally important. My bad for not investigating her infidelity not only in the beginning but also in the end. How about not being a POS. sorry rant over
gets better. Her mom and dad smoke in the section 8 house, kids reek of cigarette smoke and marijuana, all day. they dont take showers there, they were hand me down clothes, they live in the garage shared with there mother, that isn't air conditioned. and he makes only a few thousand less than I do a month. She stated in court that she pays her mom $500 in rent which is BS, she is only doing that now so that she makes herself look bad. I know she is doing pills, like oxy and what not. Id love to prove it.
after the temp hearing, in april, I had to go to court to contest my drivers license suspension as I hadn't paid child support since, august of last year. again, there is no way, I can pay my bills, feed my children, go to the doctor, pay my lawyer to end all of this BS and pay the current child support amount. and again, this final hearing is still not set yet. So they intercepted my tax return, even though the temporary modification was approved, the final is what gets it retro backed to the date of filing, so they took, a much needed 5500 tax return from me. I needed that cause one of the issues I failed to mention as well, hurricane Ian has destroyed my home and I'm still going through that process too. not to mention I am on payment plans with Mayo clinic and other various medical facilities. (no one cares) but the interest that accrues, makes it impossible to catch up. also, Florida department of rev is overstepping I feel, and asking for medical info to be sent to them as well as updated doctors letters to be sent saying that I am still on disability.
a few weeks ago, I got an email from my lawyer having a withdrawal notice from her lawyer. in the withdrawal, he stated that he cannot represent her, due to something she may have withheld or lied about (more or less wasn't worded like that but you can tell). In feb court appearance they never produced the PI report, or videos, they had medical info they shouldn't have had, and they had very outlandish comments about my lifestyle. So my lawyer filed immediately a motion to compel. meaning, we want to see everything you have on my client. this was filed almost immediately after court appearance on feb 20th. Susan has failed to provide any updated info requested by my attorney so on june 18th, we have that upcoming hearing.
in the mean time, I have sent my lawyer, a very heavily requested topics, such as "where did they get my medical records, if those were lies, what are the consequences if any"? What did exercising have to do with any of this despite various drs saying he has to or he will get worse.
I know wat you must be thinking, what about your oldest, how can you do that to him. Please listen. This woman has taken everything from me. And i mean everything but the roof over my head. I am seeing a therapist to help with the suicidal thoughts. it isnt enough. the reality of it is, I chose to be loyal and it bit me in the butt. This disease will rob me of everything, my teeth will fall out ( I had 5 cavities last time I went to the dentist) I haven't had a cavity since I was 30 and even then I was suspicious. And I am brushing 5 time s a day to save them. My skin is tightening, and my arms and muscles are wasting. I will literally be left with nothing. My organs will also start to harden, and I will have to start getting around the clock care.
I forgot to mention they (child support) recently, sent a letter to SSI (social security) saying that they would garnish my SSI before I even got it, totaling $1029. the incorrect amount. I sent this to my lawyer and she is looking into it. But it shows that child support will overstep and breaks every law or freedom you may think you have. I DO take care of my children. if they need a haircut i do it, school supplies clothes, anything I do it. And I do it, cause she wont. What I want to leave you with, is that woman can be dead beats too. Child support was designed to have woman off of government subsidized programs like section 8 food stamps and what not. Also to make the man pay for their children man or woman I should say, I know this. I am not running from my obligation. I just want Susan, to have to pay for what's she's done to me and the kids.
I would like to hear your thoughts on this, please comment and share, all names are fake, but everything else is unfortunately real. I know it was wordy, but I wanted to provide as much backstory as possible. And please. Respect my descions. When you are end of life, I hope someone would be kind enough to respect yours. You may not agree and that's ok, but I am asking you to respect them. Thank you for reading.

I just got broken up with and i wasn’t expecting it at all. For awhile I felt numb to emotions but right now I feel so incredibly terrible. Suicidal. I feel like my heart is being crushed and the wind wind was knocked out of me. I feel like this life isn’t worth it anymore. I feel it so intensely and I don’t know how to feel better but it’s all I can focus on. I don’t even care about my job or people or life. I feel incredibly alone. I feel like it’s not normal to feel so awful over a breakup.
I’m really struggling to live right now and my psychiatrist office doesn’t call me back or send messages until like a week later. I’ve reached out to family and was called weak. I feel like nobody understands. Nobody cares. I feel emotions so strongly for the first time in months and I don’t know how to deal with it

I've seen a few people not fully sure what to make of Florida!!! and since I view it as maybe THE gayest song on the album (the prophecy/guilty as sin/fresh out the slammer are all top contenders, though), and perhaps the idea/thought process that creates the basis for the rest of the songs (hence the exclamation points!!!) I figured I should share my interpretation of it. Thoughts and notes are very welcome!
You can beat the heat, if you beat the charges too - Okay, so the you pronoun here is important, the I and the You are the two characters who are having a duet. Taylor's I is singing to Florence's You the only way to "beat the heat" aka avoid Florida, is to make sure there are "no charges" - allegations that is.
They said I was a cheat, I guess it must be true - Who are they? Likely the press talking about TayloMatty/Joe, right? But the 'I guess' is there to denote the next line as a little sarcastic, a little playful - she means something subversive to what she is actually saying. 'I guess it must be true', how can this be honest, and still toy with the original meaning? Well, if she had relationships while being with the person she was publicly tied to - but that was agreed upon, she was meant to 'be a cheat'.
And my friends all smell like weed or little babies And this city reeks of driving myself crazy - There is no one who understands the titular I's (likely Taylor) situation. Either they are in heteronormative relationships - having babies isn't literal here, it is a symbol for sticking to the normative - or they are dissociating from the reality - where the weed is a symbol for turning off, forgetting, disconnecting. Her immidiate surroundings (the city) are isolating her with her own thoughts (driving myself crazy) - reeks is especially interesting here, as it is mostly used for something hidden or concealed, but still noticeable. She is working so hard at not showing anyone these thoughts.
Little did you know Your home's really only a town you're just a guest in So you work your life away Just to pay for a timeshare down in Destin -Here you can read home as an analogy for her identity, and I think you should, specifically because none of her homes are in towns - she lives in cities, but her home is where she lives, where her heart is if you will. And that is the interesting thing about this line anymore - your home, where you used to live/who you used to be, is no longer a home/no longer where your heart lies. It is just a place, one you can get evicted from, one built not from you (after all you are just a guests, guests don't leave their mark) but from other people and their notions and ideas (you know, a town). Now this one is admittedly a jump but I have a theory based on a different person who talks about Florida as a freedom you'd give anything for - so this is partially based on that, this idea of Florida as the ultimate place to go to find yourself. However, I feel like the lyrics really lend themselves to this as well, even without that interpretation "so you work your way, just to pay for a timeshare down in destin" - Destin is such an interesting choice of a place, it feels like it is trying to allude to destiny, i.e. the life you want for yourself and believe must be coming (and from a gaylor perspective, being out and queer, and getting to love whomever you want). So this like can be read as like you make sacrifices and work harder than humanly possible (look at Taylor's career) only to get to finally feel a a small sliver (pay for a timeshare) of destiny, the life you wish for (in Destin). Why would this be Florida, why would it be Destin specifically? Well, Florida is at least internationally known as a retirement state, someplace you can eventually settle down and find peace. Other people dream of LA, NY, London, or even Nashville - but she has been there and she was miserable. I think there is something alluring in an anonymous suburb where she can just be herself and be in love. I also think she is trying to comment on how a free future isn't nessecarily one where she is loved and appreciated, and she is aware of that.
Florida is one hell of a drug Florida, can I use you up? She can't dissociate and flee anymore (like her friends who smell of weed) so she needs to find another drug to sustain her current life - dreams of who she can be once she has reached her destin/her destiny/her destination.
The hurricane with my name when it came First of all, role switch indicated by Florence singing! This is the You that Taylor was talking to, the one that has been established as the one who beat the heat (Florida), and the charges (rumors of being gay). This is the Taylor that doesn't dream about coming out, who has accepted a life without freedom and without love.
This line is also really clever, because it calls back to Taylor's earlier usages of storm imagery (like "Storm coming, good husband, bad omen" from High Infidelity, that can be read as Taylor being the storm that is a bad omen for her 'good husband', the Taylor that acts on her secret thoughts. Same with "Every mornin', I glared at you with storms in my eyes/How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'?" from You're Losing Me, again a Taylor ready to wreck havoc on the status quo with her secret, inner thoughts. And once again with "To see you there, to see you there/And now the storm is coming, but/It's you and me, that's my whole world/They whisper in the hallway, "She's a bad, bad girl" (Okay)" from Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince qhere she honestly spends the most of the text establishing herself as the opposite of Miss Americana - she is running from homecoming, she sees America burning before her and she wants no part, just like she wants no heartbreak prince, she wants the 'you' in the song, and oncs she sees her she becomes the storm, the Taylor that acts on, or wants to act on, her secret thoughts. This is hopefully enough to establish a pattern, but seriously look up storm mentions in her song and think of it from this perspective - it makes. sense.) but also because it is Florence singing, it also calls to memory her song Hurricane Drunk.
Florence described it like this: "This was written in about 10 minutes. I'd never had my heart broken before, and when I did I realised how delicious it can be, how intoxicating. You suddenly realise that all the little things you cared about don't matter. You don't care about anything. You think, I'm going to drink myself to death.' And then you bump into them and they're with another girl. You've been waiting for the worst to happen, and then when it does – you're free. Nothing matters. All the wind is taken out of you, but then all of a sudden you're like 'I'm going out! And nothing can stop me, nothing can hurt me any more! I'm invincible, because you've hurt me so much.'" So, imagine what the consequences of letting storm-Taylor free would be, she would be free, but it would also be the worst that could happen.
I got drunk and I dared it to wash me away Barricaded in the bathroom with a bottle of wine - Few things here, this "You" the Taylor that has given up, is daring the other Taylor, the "I", the storm-Taylor, to make her disappear. Some part of her wants it, and being drunk is often used for symbolising sharing your innermost thoughts (you only hear the truth from drunk men and babies), deep down she hasn't truly let go. She decides to lock herself up further, so that it can't happen, waiting it out with wine. Wine has been a symbol with a double meaning in her earlier songs - it is both nice memories of people she seem to feel genuine love for (see maroon, dress, willow) and memories of or a symbol for what she has lost (see BDILH, ((honestly also the alchemy...)), ILIPW, Ivy, Clean).
Well, me and my ghosts, we had a hell of a time Yes, I'm haunted but I'm feeling just fine Just reaffirming and validating the speculation from the last line, the Taylor that has given up has chosen to stay in her memories and her past. She claims to be fine with having nothing other than that. Fully also a callback to Haunted, that is pretty obviously about a gay girl being left by her sapphic lover, and having to go home to a man she doesn't love - she is saying that the heartbreak and the betrayal has stayed with her, but she can't care about it any longer.
All my girls got their lace and their crimes And your cheating husband disappeared - I truly think this should be read this way: All my girls got their lace/And their crimes and your cheating husband disappeared. If so, all my girls got their lace could be referring to all the girls she loves getting married to someone else, lamenting over that, and over the fact that they no longer have a record (have escaped the rumors of queerness) and the given up-Taylor is pondering the fact that her beard (cheating husband) is nothing she needs to take into account anymore, he disappeared without exposing her secret
Well, no one asks any questions here No one truly wishes to know what happened.
So I did my best to lay to rest All of the bodies that have ever been on my body And in my mind, they sink into the swamp "To lay to rest", to allow herself to forget the possibilities that have been, the love she could have had, as that is now out of her reach - however, she lays them to rest in a swamp - where do we have swamps? Florida. The place she doesn't ever think she can truly go but loves, and longs for. That is where she places those memories, so that if she ever suceeds, she can still have them, they can still be hers.
Is that a bad thing to say in a song? Somewhat of a double entendre - the surface interpretation is idk female rage, she committed murder, she doesn't care about her previous relationships maybe even? The deeper interpretation however would be, if she feels shame about the part of her that longs for Florida, is it okay for her to say that she keeps her memories, is it okay to tell the world that she will return to them one day, can she even in heavy metaphors touch on the part that she works so hard to keep hidden
[...]
So you pack your life away Just to wait out the shitstorm back in Texas - Current Taylor, storm-Taylor is singing again, mocking given up-Taylor for her choices of giving up her life and making these sacrifices (pack your life away), with no other grater purpose than to wait - and actually, here is a wonderful double meaning again. She could either be waiting out "the shitstorm back in Texas" i.e. waiting for a better less republican climate or waiting out "the shitstorm" (herself, her urges to come out, her urges to break free) "back in Texas" (hiding behind conservative values, toying with this image of her as the boy crazy future wife, with the picket fence and the 2.5 children)
[...]
I need to forget, so take me to Florida Really only validating the interpretation so far, she needs to forget what her life is, so she dreams of Florida (aka freedom). Storm-Taylor is singing this line, the one who actually wishes to break free.
I've got some regrets, I'll bury them in Florida Can it be more literal than this? It is referring back to the bodies she left in the swamp, i.e. her memories and her real loves, the things she could have had. She will "bury them in Florida" i.e. not pretend like they exist, but they stay in the dreamworld. This is giving up-Taylor singing.
Tell me I'm despicable, say it's unforgivable Storm-Taylor is singing this, she is saying that she is ready to take the consequences. Ready to hear from the homophobes thatthese are "despicable acts" and "unforgivable sins" as they so often do.
At least the dolls are beautiful, fuck me up, Florida - This is both of them!! So important. Both versions of Taylor are so gay that at the thought of beautiful women they are both like, what the hell, maybe it doesn't sound so bad after all. 🤷‍♀️ Literal perfection, no notes on this line. Of course what finally gets her on the same track is ✨️women✨️. There isn't a sapphic that can't relate to making the hardest descision for no other reason than bc cute girl.
I need to forget, so take me to Florida - this is just like before I've got some regrets, I'll bury them in Florida - but this is now sang by them both, and an alternate meaning of this line could be that any regrets they have about how they handled themselves and their career won't matter anymore once they are free (in Florida)
Tell me I'm despicable, say it's unforgivable What a crash, what a rush, fuck me up, Florida It's one hell of a drug - This is just storm-taylor, and she is ready to let it burn, she knows the pain is coming and welcomes it
It's one hell of a drug Love left me like this and I don't want to exist So take me to Florida - This makes me very emotional actually. It is both of them singing. A bit more reluctantly than in the previous stanza, but they are obviously both looking at the destruction that has been left in their life by their own love (gay) and people's expectations of love for them (not gay), and it has hurt them so much that they don't even want to be alive anymore. It is too tiresome. So they both agree to finally be free, because the other option, quite frankly, is death. They'll go to Florida. 🩷🧡🤍
Little did you know Your home's really only a town you're just a guest in (take me to Florida ) So you work your life away Just to pay for a timeshare down in Destin (take me to Florida ) - This is a call and response, so storm-Taylor says one line, and giving up-Taylor says the other, really just to show that they now agree with eachother's worldview. For now, the non bolded part in the parenthesis is just Storm-Taylor though, really being the leader, whilst the bold is the both of them actively now showing their longing
Little did you know Your home's really only the town you'll get arrested (take me to Florida ) So you pack your life away Just to wait out the shitstorm back in Texas (take me to Florida ) Call and response continues in the same way, but I just wanted to point out this line since I didn't before. We have established that Home is Taylor herself, and The Charges are queerness/rumors of being queer, the town is views/other views. So this would mean: You are really the only one who's views keep you jailed, you are the one who is preventing you from being free/queer
Florida is one hell of a drug (take me to) Florida Florida, can I use you up? Florida is one hell of a drug Florida, go on, fuck me up -Nothing new really happens here, the bolded bits are storm-Taylor singing, the rest is both of them. One piece of note, however, is that the "(take me to) Florida" bit has the same tempo as 'the lakes', potentially drawing similies between the lakes ("I don't belong, and my beloved neither do you" [...] "I'm setting off, not without my muse") and Florida, emphasizing the difference between a version of freedom where you have to hide your love away from the world and decide to eulogize yourself to get peace, and true freedom, where you decide to take the punches and get fucked up just to not have to hide ever again (being in Florida, in the smack of the middle of the hear of the dab - I realize this reference is only useful to dropout fans, but the rest of you hopefully get my point regardless.)

Hi, My husband was murdered May '23 and I finally got the autopsy last week. I'm having a hard time understanding a few things I'm hoping you could clarify.
First, I would like to state that I understand this is not in a professional capacity. Additionally: •There is no active investigation of my husband's murder. The perpetrator took his own life after killing my husband and another person. •I've emailed the Dr. who performed the exam and am awaiting their return from leave.
If it's okay for me to post a SS of the "evidence of injury" (?), what I'm wondering: 1. Are the injuries listed in any particular order? 2. How many times was he shot?! 3. Can I ask them for a diagram?
You would think I would have a police report to help fill these gaps but almost 13 months later, I do not.
Thank you, from the bottom of my broken heart.

Hey guys… recently me (21m) and my partner (21f) who have been together for 12 months and have been living together for 3 months have had an unwanted pregnancy and we’re getting a surgical termination in 2 days… This whole experience has taken such a massive and damaging toll on both of us, not just in ourselves but between our relationship… she does not give me any love or support anymore and she hasn’t been working so we have been struggling on my single income. I understand that she is in a very deep depression right now, and i am trying to do absolutely everything in my power to be as supportive as I can for her but it is so difficult not getting any love from someone that you used to be inseparable with. She’s turned completely cold. (Again, which is totally understandable, I would probably be the same if I was in her position, if not worse). We have had a conversation about our relationship and we want to work on things, but this situation has consumed everything until it’s dealt with… Has anybody been in a similar position? Any advice? My heart is broken at the moment, I just want to see her smiling again.

Expedition Yeltomar
Frank, a human male in his middle ages, sits in the pilot seat of the small single occupant shuttle. It had been a rather challenging descent so he was taking this time to catch his breath and settle his nerves. The Zeno-biologist has been exploring planets for the past year, jumping from system too system, cataloging planets for the galactic federation. He has already cataloged 3 other life bearing planets in the last 17 systems but this one was by far the most challenging.
Star system 2B38A-22 is a fairly mundane system with a larger K-class orange dwarf star at its heart. It contains a single gas giant and a common ice giant in its outer system with the molten metallic core of another gas giant circling in a 15 day orbit of its parent star. Just farther out is the planet he is currently landed on, being a sizable heavy gravity terrestrial world of 2.8 galactic standard gravity and having an unusually dense atmosphere of 8.1 galactic standard.
Frank takes a deep breath and pulls himself out of the seat. The high gravity of this world was proving difficult to fight against after his time in deep space. 'I really need to get more exercise. I'm getting weak here.'; he says too himself. Being an Earth born human, this world is only 1.6 times the gravity of Earth, so should not be this hard to manage. Walking slowly over too the science station he starts taking readings on the atmosphere of the planet too see if he will need the bulky atmosphere isolation suit, or just the re-breather. 'Hmmm. 40% Oxygen, 30% Carbon dioxide, 22% Methane, trace amount of Nitrogen, Neon, Helium, other gasses too low to make out. That's a novelty. Gravity and atmospheric pressure high enough to hold onto Helium.'; he thinks, starting to get into his elements again.
'Dangerously low biodiversity, mostly grasses and a few types of larger shrub and tree analogs. The limited animal life seems to be almost entirely evolved to use some type of flight. Almost no ground based life. But seems to be a stable marine biodiversity. Signs of a recent mass extinction event, no more then 1000 stellar cycles ago. No signs of civilization detected. No ruins or any forms of technology detected. Anomaly? Hmmm. What type of anomaly? Electromagnetic/Radio-logical. Odd... Close by as well. I'll have to check that one out.'; he reads off in his head. The results read out by the sensors were a bit erratic, changing a bit randomly as he watched them. The thick atmosphere and the shifting magnetic field of the planet are having negative effects on the shuttles sensors, making them unreliable.
"The atmosphere should be breathable, even without the re-breather. That's a nice change. But that high methane level will probably stink. Not so sure about the density though. It's thick as soup out there. Might want the re-breather just in case. Temperature seems fine and there isn't anything dangerous in the atmosphere so won't need the suit at least. Thank goodness for that. Wasn't looking forward to trying to move around in that bulky thing in this gravity."; Frank was starting too think out loud again. Being out here in unexplored space was starting to get too him. "Did you get the info dump Bimni? Is the info matching up with your reading up there?"; Frank calls out, having pushed the comms button in the science lab.
BrightEyesAtSea is a female Adelie Astor-geologist who is unfortunately stuck in their "mother-ship" due too the Adelie being unable to handle high gravity planets. She was quite displeased to say the least. So many different interesting mineral combinations to study and she was stuck ship side. Bimni was a name the human, Frank, had said when trying to shorten her name and it just kind of stuck. Not that she minded, but why couldn't he just use her full name? "Reading different up here. Not seeing that anomaly reading either. Blasted electromagnetic interference."; she Warbles out. The translation software working well to convert her Adelie churrs into human guttural speech, and vise verse. "This one is your call. You've got the more accurate atmospheric readings. Not sure about the rest. Something is off on this world, the chemistry just does not add up."
That did not bode well. If Bimni was having bad feelings, then he needed to be careful. Her gut feelings had proven more accurate then any sensor. "Noted. I'll be careful when out and about. Just keep Rover warmed up and send him down if anything goes wrong."; Frank responds in turn. Rover was a military robotic mech that, despite many attempts at reprogramming, they were not able to tone down its brutishly aggressive responses to stimuli. So they never use it for anything but hazardous environments or when things go wrong. "Just be sure to grab as many mineral samples as you can fit onto the shuttle. It would be so much easier if I could just be down there.": Bimni responds with a huff. Frank can feel her telepathic annoyance even from this range, so she must be truly furious about being stuck ship side.
Finding no other reasons to postpone this, Frank grabs the re-breather and walks, still slowly, over too the airlock. "Alright Bimni. I'm heading out. I'll keep in touch with you using the shuttle as a relay. Hopefully the interference doesn't get too bad."; Frank says after after linking up the mobile comms earpiece to the shuttles antenna. It's not like he was going to go far from the shuttle anyways. Not in this gravity. Just far enough to reach that anomaly. Cycling the airlock, he steps inside. Deciding to wait on the re-breather for now, he clips it too his belt. He would see how bad the atmosphere was and decide from there. Pushing the cycle button, he waits for the airlock to balance atmospheres with the outside, getting a taste of the atmosphere in the process.
As the airlock finishes cycling and opens, Frank is hit with the thick humid atmosphere and the raw smell of methane. Huh. The smell was not as bad as he thought it would be. But the thick humid air was another matter. "It's like pea soup out here."; Frank comments. "I could almost swim in this stuff. But at least its not hard too breathe." Bimni quickly responds with; "Gee thanks. Now I want a bowl of pea soup, and you know we ran out 5 cycles ago." She didn't sound any happier after that comment. "Well sorry for making you hungry, with all the good food being on the mother ship and me only having excursion rations."; he jokes back at her hoping to at least lessen her bad mood. "The only solace I have for being stuck up here."; Bimni coos back, seeming to have lost at least some of her bad mood.
Frank takes his first steps out of the airlock onto this new world and... \*SPLAT\* feels something wet and soft hit his head and slide down his side. Lifting a hand up to wipe the side of his head, he is met with a slimy substance with bits of plant matter and something else. Tentatively, he takes a sniff; "Fraaack...."; Frank lets out with a sigh. Looking up he sees a 2 meter long gasbag creature with undulating manta ray like wings slowly swimming away high above him. "First steps out of the shuttle and I get crapped on by an alien."; he says with a bit of disgust. This is quickly answered with a trilling chuckle from Bimni though the comms. "Not a word."; he says too Bimni, who continues to chuckle even louder. Retracing his steps back up to the shuttles airlock, he reaches inside and grabs one of the rag towels and wipes off the droppings from his head and side. What a great start this is...
20 minutes later, Frank has already loaded several unique looking rocks into the shuttle for Bimni to examine later and has determined that there are in fact TWO types of grass in the surrounding area. Wow. And what is that? Another one of those elongated gasbag creatures high above. Both of the grasses are very similar too each other it seems, both being nearly black in color too absorb as much of the very dim light given off by the orange sun in the sky as possible. It is quite dim out despite it being close too mid day with the sky being completely clear. The thick atmosphere dispersing a lot of the light and giving everything a red orange tint with blues being quite faint. In the distance he can see a cluster of shrubs that look like thick orange coral with yellowish black balloon like gas bags growing out of the ends of each branch. And beyond that, in the general direction of the anomaly readings, there is an unusual rock formation overgrown with some type of plants.
"Still not much too see here Bimni, other then a few odd rocks here and there. I grabbed several samples for you already before you ask. The lack of diversity here is quite disconcerting."; Frank comments to Bimni through the comms. In response he only hears the faint crunching of whatever she had found to munch on while he did all the hard work down here. "Still making my way towards the anomaly. Hopefully there will be something interesting there. At least the bushes ahead are something different. Seem to be a thick stemmed Ficus analog with inflated leaf structures that look like balloons. Some type of adaptation to the high gravity I'm sure."; he continues the running dialog he's been trying to keep up since the gasbag poo incident. Though it has been hard too due with how little there has been to discuss.
Closing in on the bushes, they are in fact, just as he though. Similar to a ficus with thick stems, and the leaves are gas filled balloon like structures that hold up the stems. Really not much to look at other then being completely alien with a fascinating symbiosis with a few benign bacteria that seem to produce the gas that fills its leaves. A sudden sound diverts his attention. Frank looks up just in time to track an unusual 1 foot long bird like creature taking off from the ground in a hurry. The creature has 2 pairs of feathered wings attached too a bird like body, a long swan like neck with a bird like beaked head that hangs down below it's body, no legs, and 2 highly aerodynamic gasbags on it's back. This bird is already moving fast and accelerating even faster as it moves at a right angle too him. "That's a new one. A bird like life form. Has both 2 sets of feathered wings and a pair of gasbags for lift. It's fast too!"; he excitedly says too Bimni.
His excitement is short lived though, as a loud POP is heard and a 3 clawed tentacle is suddenly attached through the birds gasbag, holding onto the bird. This tentacle is in turn part of a large wing shaped creature with an open mouth, filled with sharp teeth, attached too the bottom of its wing shaped body. The bird is quickly dragged backwards towards the open mouth and swallowed hole. The whole time this flying wing creature is rippling with different colors like an earth cuddle fish. Before Frank can even exclaim about it, there is a soft booming sound as trails of faint smoke start to come out of a cylindrical shaped bulge on each side of the wing shaped creature before it shoots forwards at high speed, climbing up upwards again before it's body ripples with color one last time then seems to fade into the sky as its body color quickly matches the color of the sky.
"By all that's holy! Your not going to believe this one..."; Frank says in a hushed tone. His excitement replaced with caution and a bit of fear. "There's a flying predator here that can camouflage to match the sky. Damn thing appeared in the sky out of no where and then was gone from sight just as quickly. Wolfed down that bird like you do with those sardines you like so much."
"Are you safe?"; Bimni responds with honest concern in her squawking voice.
"I think so. Don't see that thing anywhere. But you better make sure Rover is ready too launch on a moments notice in case that thing comes back. The damn thing seemed to be jet powered as well."; Frank responds, still a bit shaken up. He was not expecting anything like that, he wasn't going to lie. Looking around him, there was no shelter nearby other then the rock formation ahead.
"Can you take shelter for a bit somewhere? Just in case it's still around?"; Bimni asks, sounding quite concerned as she preps Rover for immediate launch.
"There's no where too take shelter. Closest is that rock formation. Hopefully there is some place to shelter near there."; Frank responds, not feeling very confident. But it's that or make a break for the shuttle, a good 15 minutes away though the open grasses.
"Do it. And by the gods, keep your human senses open!"; Bimni blurts out.
Frank didn't even bother with a response. He went into a full jog, the fastest he could move in the high gravity of this world. Even with his crazy human endurance, he was all too quickly winded and forced too slow down as he neared the rock formation. Finding an overhang with a shallow but human sized indent under it he ducks into it. It might not be much, but at least he only need to worry about what's in front of him now. "I'm there... Found a... overhang. In shelter."; he panted out. "No sign... of danger." He hasn't felt this winded since he used to run marathons back on Earth.
Having taken a moment to catch his breath again, Frank places his hands on the sides of the indent he's tucked into and only now realizes something is off. Pulling his eyes away from looking for danger, he glances at the surfaces around him. Too smooth. He runs his hands along it again and can feel the seams of... construction? "Uh Bimni? This rock formation is not natural. It was constructed."; he says in a slow quiet voice.
"What? Someone carved it?"; she asked. Frank ran his hands along the underside of the overhang while watching for danger, feeling the framework and paneling that was used too construct it. Metal. "No. It's a structure of some type. It's made of metal."; he responds. No ruins or technology my arse! "Wish you were down here even more now, your better with this stuff."
"I'm sending down Rover. I'll put it on manual and pilot it remotely myself."; Bimni states with a sharp chirp, leaving no room for argument. "Yeah, that's a good idea."; Frank responds softly. "I'll wait until Rover touches down before I start exploring. Don't need that big flying wing to catch me off guard."; he replies back.
Frank remains under the ledge while he waits for Rover to drop in, but luckily it's only a matter of a few minutes and the mech descends too the ground, curled into a ball, and under parachute. The mech is ready to go, being able to survive entry without the shuttle thanks to it's built in heat shield. Rover unrolls and stands up, being half the height of Frank, walking on 4 legs, with a manipulate arm on its back. With Rover there to help guard, Frank is able to leave his impromptu shelter. "Nice aim there Bimni. Landed Rover within meters."; he says to Bimni, a bit impressed. "Are you detecting anything new with Rovers sensors?"; Frank asks.
"Only getting the same reading, anomaly."; Bimni's voice comes from the speaker built into Rovers frame. "Now where did you find the metal?"; she asks as Frank gestures Rover over too the underside of the overhang and the indent he was tucked into before. "Back here, and above us. These surfaces are unnatural and the underside of this overhang is metal."; Frank points out.
Bimni pilots Rover under the overhang and uses the manipulator arm, with its light, to examine the surfaces more closely. "hmmm. Fascinating. These surfaces are of an alloy I've never seen before."; she says with a chirp of interest. As she is maneuvering to look at different parts of the surface, she accidentally bumps Rover into a panel on the side of the indent. There is a groaning noise from the back wall before the wall just as suddenly slides sideways revealing an opening. A soft glow is comming from inside along with the sounds of running machinery.
Giving each other a quick glance, both Frank, and Bimni piloting Rover, step in through the open doorway too figure out what is inside. There is a short corridor that leads too a room filled with softly glowing lights and what can only be a computer control room of some sort. Everything is marked with an alien language that is completely undecipherable. "Now this is interesting. And it's still running. Can you make anything of this?"; Frank says too Bimni before going to oe of the control panels and trying to figure out what it says. He doesn't notice Bimni's lack of response as he touches one of the displays.
There is a quick flash of the dim lighting in the room before all the sounds in the room go quite and the light turn off. "Did I touch the wrong thing?"; Frank asks. "Bimni, any idea? Bimni?"; he asks before turning around too see Rover standing un-moving in the corridor. "Hello. Bimni, you there?" There is no response but suddenly there is a burst of of some form of energy that even Frank can feel and an alarm starts blaring. Think now is the time to leave, Frank turns to Rover and grabs the handle on its back, pushing on it to try and get Rover's tactile override to move it. He's a bit grateful when it starts to back up through the corridor as its supposed to.
Once back outside, in the open air, there is a beep, as Bimni is able to reconnect too Rover. "What happened? I suddenly lost signal with Rover and lost your signal as well frank."; Bimni keels out, sounding quite worried.
"Not sure. Rover just stopped moving in the corridor while I was inside the room on the other side. Maybe some kind of shielding or interference?"; Frank responds while the alarm can still be clearly heard in the background.
"What did you do?"; Bimni demands now that the alarm sound can be heard clearly by her as well. "Nothing. I was just trying to see what the panels were and touched one, then the whole thing shut down and the alarm started going off. A growl is heard through Rovers speakers; "You humans have no common sense! You touch everything without even thinking..."; Bimni grumbles out. Frank can only shrug his shoulders sheepishly, can't really fight ones nature.
Any further comments from either of them is cut short as a pair of dragon like creatures land heavily beside them and let out a roar. These creatures are close too 4 feet tall at the shoulders, standing on four thin legs with 4 toed clawed feet. They both are black in color with thin, spindly looking bodies that are covered in very short, dense fur. They have a pair of wings on their back that are larger then their bodies and shaped like the wings of an albatross, and a single row of wide scales running along their backs from the top of their head too half way down their tail. The larger of the two stands up on it's hind legs and starts making shooing motions with its front legs and wings as it takes steps towards them. It is making strange animal vocalizations while it is doing this, sounding like many different animals, most unknown, but some sounding strangely familiar.
Bimni readies to defend Frank using Rover, but a quick gesture by Frank delays her. "Lets back away slowly and see how they respond first."; Frank says as he starts to back away from the structure. Begrudgingly, Bimni follows suit, backing Rover away from the building as well. Their actions are rewarded by the larger creature moving to stand in front of the open passage and crossing its front legs, like it is standing guard. The smaller of the two slips behind the larger one and hurries into the structure, still moving on all four legs. As it slips past, and into the structure, a series of marking can be seen over its back legs and tail. They are green in color and resemble lightning or electricity.
A loud series of animal noises is heard coming out from inside the structure. The larger creature blocking the passageway leans down, without taking its eyes off Rover and Frank and barks a series of noises back into the structure in turn. As it does this, marking can be seen on the sides and back of this creature as well, this time a red flame like pattern can be seen. A quick series of flashes is seen from the corridor and the sound of the alarm is silenced followed by the sounds of machinery starting up again. The smaller creature exits the structure shortly after, using its tail to hit the panel too close the doorway as it exits. Both creatures are now standing there staring at Frank and Rover, not looking too happy.
The smaller of the two creatures standing in front of Frank and Bimni turns too the larger one and lets out a series of barks, pops, clicks, and whistles which the larger one turns its head slightly towards it and gives off a purr sound. The smaller one stands up on it's hind legs and stretches up to rub it's nose on the chin of the larger one before dropping down too all 4 legs again and slipping behind the other. It quickly moves away from everyone and launches its self into the air with some visible effort, flying away on it's long thin wings.
"So what do you think Bimni? They don't seem like animals too me. Their actions seem a bit too civilized."; Frank says too Bimni, with a strange echo. "You think they are the ones who built this structure?"; Bimni responds with no echo from Rovers speaker. "I'm not sure. They might also be another species that found the structures already here."; Frank says with that odd echo again, while turning towards Rover. "I'm not sure."; is repeated in Franks voice. Frank freezes, looking around. Bimni also hears that, and has Rover turn completely around too scan the area. The creature in front of the structure has uncrossed it's front legs and is now standing less defensively with its head cocked too the side.
"I'm not sure."; is said again in Franks voice. This time it is definitely coming from the creature in front of the structure, as it tips its head too the other side. "Did it just copy your voice?"; Bimni asks, having turned Rover to face the creature again. "I think it did."; Frank responds, with no echo. Raising one of his hands up he points at himself and says; "Frank", then points at Rover and says; "Rover". Finally giving an open handed gesture towards the creature, he waits for a response. The creature seems to think about it for a bit and is about to give a response but suddenly turns it's head too the side as three more of the creatures fly in and land nearby.
One of the three that lands is the smaller one with green markings from earlier. Another is only slightly larger with blue markings that look like lightning, while the third is much larger. The largest of the three is even larger then the one standing in front of the structure. It has bright yellow flame markings on it's sides and tail and is carrying some sort of device. All three of them stand up on their hind legs shortly after landing and start talking to each other and the one that was there already quite heatedly. An unusual combination of different animal noises, mixed with pops, whistles, and barks and exchanged before the one at the structure stops and points at Frank and says; "Frank", then at Rover and says; "Rover" in a perfect imitation of Franks voice.
"Well, that settles it. If there was any doubt about intelligence..."; Bimni says after the obvious display. As soon as Bimni speaks, the largest of the beings taps a few times on the device it has and a projection appears above the device like a video screen. On this projected screen is the world they are standing on, seen from high orbit. The projection begins playing a video of sorts that shows a world lush with life. None of which has been seen anywhere. The video changes view, showing different versions of the 4 beings on different parts of the world, with cities and lots of advanced technology around them. Then the view changes again too high orbit where a powerful solar flare is shown flashing over the planet with several chunks of metalic asteroids being swept along with it.
The view changes again so the beings running in terror and crowding into bunkers and sturdy structures as asteroids rain down in fireballs, exploding high in the thick atmosphere. The sky turns flames as the atmosphere is ignited by the asteroids. The view changes again to a few survivors making their way out of bunkers to find a world flattened and burned empty. The view changes to high orbit again, but the view is getting closer too the planet as if what is giving the view is falling towards the planet. The lush planet appears burned barren and brown as the view goes static as the view source starts to burn up as well. Finally the view shifts too the few survivors giving up everything they have to build structures like the one in front of them as plants start to grow around the structures in slowly increasing circles. The 4 beings all turn too look at Rover and Frank while the one in front of the structure points at it then sweeps it's hands around at the general area.
Several days go by with the beings on the planet, soon known to call themselves Yeltarians, surprisingly quickly learning how to use the human language. Their own language involving implied meaning, and the sounds produced expressing that meaning instead of words. With the language barrier broken, the Yeltarians were able to fully explain what happened too their world. A massive solar flare had shattered the dieing inner planet of their system, flinging chunks of the planet outwards with the flare its self. Between the flare and the following planetary chunks, they had set the atmosphere ablaze, catastrophically altering the atmospheric composition. Most non aquatic life was decimated in the initial inferno while much more of the remaining life on the planet slowly dieing off from the atmospheric changes.
When the Yeltarian survivors finally left their bunkers, they found a world leveled by fire and chocked off by a nearly un-breathable atmosphere. Using all their advanced knowledge, the survivors hatched a plan to save both themselves and their world. A massive terraforming project over their entire planet. They built hundreds of terraforming machines around the world using every available scrap and surviving piece of technology they could find. Then to give their planet a chance to heal, they turned to their own culture and shifted it from a materialistic high tech one, to a minimalist druidic society. All this, just to save as much as they could of what life remained.
But the remaining biodiversity of their world is too low, and they continue to loose species to disease and failed genetic alterations. Their world will not last much longer with how few living things remain. Even their terraforming equipment is starting to fail. So this leaves them with only one hope, to find suitable life outside of their own world to balance the failing ecosystems. But, they had torn apart their only remaining spacecraft to build the equipment that sustains their world. And they have no way to rebuild them with all their technology regressed to the state it is in now.
They were also willing to explain their race as well. What had once been several different Yeltarian races, had all become one race after the cataclysm. They are of two different sexs, male and female, with the females being larger and stronger in general. While the males tend to be smaller and much lighter, but also faster and more maneuverable in flight. They also explained the meaning of the markings on their bodies. The color doesn't mean as much, but the pattern shows which of the two divergent genetic traits are active in their bodies. All Yeltarians have the genetics to use an organic fire through the production of alcohol in their bodies, and bio-electrics generated by specialized cells in their bodies. But only one of the two genetic traits ever manifests due to a special gene that randomly activates one trait genetic while blocking the other trait genetics when they reach maturity.
"So, would you be willing to help us out? Take one of us with you to help search for compatible life in the depths of space? Too save our dieing world?"; The leader of the local Yeltarians asks Frank and Bimni. "This is our only chance since we are unwilling to give up our dieing world. Our, Yeltomar."

My ex (22M) and I (20M) met 1year and about 3 months ago, we lived together(we rented a room outside the university) soon after even he said the had dated a lot of people whereas I had never dated a guy. At first I thought that doesn't matter as long as he would stop dating with other guys during our relationship and the thing was like this, he didn't date others we lived we laughed we had sex ,the days couldn't be better.
The turning point happened when I was diagnosed with HPV. At first I was panicked and asked various doctors for help online. Finally I bought some ointment and my condition gradually improved. We rarely had sex after that.
Then we had more arguments, but got on with it.
Soon after we moved into another rental, he became more inclined to hurt me physically and mentally, when we were flirting,he would gently touch my thighs at first and suddenly pinched, which made me very uncomfortable but he always did. Over time, we hardly had sex. On the one hand,because of his behavior, on the other hand,HPV. But he always asked to have sex, I comprised. I washed it in the bathroom for a long time, but when he inserted it, it was very sudden and hard, which made me particularly painful.I was so angry and yelled at him.
Since then we have not had sex and I told him that if he was looking for booty call, go, as long as he didn't take him to the house. (Think about it I feel I am so stupid)He did, he dated a lot of people which made me sad but I didn't say anything.
In the days that followed, he did nothing at home, except for his addiction to TikTok and stay up all night, I advised him not to do this several times, he just told me to leave him alone, which broke my heart. We we gone out together, he either yelled at me or ignored me, which made me always want to run away and I did this. We argued because of this. At the same time ,he had been developing new romance at school. After I found out at first, I begged him not to contact his male lover, let's live a good life. At first he agreed and said goodbye to that male lover. But in less than a week they reconnected. Then the relationship between them counties to heat up.(I didn't know this at the time )
We've been quarreling over trivial matters later ly and finally he admitted his secret relationship and asked to break up . I tried hard and begged him many times not to break up with me,but failed ,he insisted on starting a new relationship with his secret lover.
I moved back to the school dormitory three days ago and no contact with him. Even though I've blacklisted him，I still received a text message from him yesterday afternoon. He asked me if life in the dormitory was ok. At first I didn't know if I should reply because I still want him back. After thinking twice, I replied "Fine and U? "He replied that his sunglasses in our electric bike was stolen. I thought that was a joke his lover played on him, so I replied "Will come back".
That all our story, thanks for reading this monotony article written by a heart broken bird. I wanna know if I should reply him yesterday if I want him back. And I hope all lovers in the world will together forever. Thank again for reading this.

I feel so stuck on what to do. I met my friend in college back in 2019. When I met her we became friends instantly. But with that I learned about her horrible childhood trauma. Her parents came to the U.S. illegally and they are still here without status and how her uncle r*ped her until she as the age of 17. As her friend my heart was so broken for her and I knew life isn’t easy on her.
Both her and I changed a lot since college as one does. I met my fiancé and she has a boyfriend. Her and the boyfriend are a match made in hell. The stuff she tells me makes me really not like this guy. She would tell me how they always argue, she claimed he cheated numerous of times, how he is forcing her not to take birth control and they have unsafe intimacy, when they argue he always screams at her to “shut the f*ck up”. The guy seems like a complete loser. Even with all their issues she always looks past it or just forgives him. There are many times that I would plead for her to break up with him and it just never happen. Then she would say something like “you know I’m just learning from this all”.
She has also spent $2,500 on his birthday and Christmas gifts. She always just buys him stuff. Whenever we’re out she ends up buying him expensive clothes or food. I do buy clothes for my fiancé if I find something affordable that I know he’ll like. But most of this girls paycheck goes to buying her boyfriend stuff. She is in constant financial hardships because of it. She even sends DoorDash over to his job every time it comes time for lunch.
With all of the horrible stuff she has told me. She asked me if he can come to my wedding. I’m only having 50-60 people it’s going to be very cute and intimate. Plus the times I’ve tried to meet him it never happens. My friend would always say she wants to double date just for her to back out when I try to make it happen. The one time I almost met him she was dropping off food for him. She insisted on parking a block away from his house and keeping me in the car. I told her it seems weird to park a block away from the house and she decided to move the car closer. But she made me stay in the car and it was very awkward to say the least. So I don’t know how I can invite someone to my wedding that I’m not allowed to meet. She also told me that she went out one night for dinner with the boyfriend at a Korean place. She said that her boyfriend couldn’t figure out which one is our waiter “because all Koreans look the same”. I don’t want someone so racist and rude around my fiancé who is Korean and my amazing in laws. I don’t want a racist anywhere near my wedding.
I also feel like she’s so self observed. I was going through a rough patch. My fiancé and I had to do long distance for a bit due to having to apply for a K1 fiancé visa. It was really hard on me not being with him and I went to such a dark place. Luckily I’m doing better now and we got approved! So my fiancé comes back in late August. I tried telling my friend how hard it’s been on me but somehow the conversation always goes back to her and her life.
I don’t know what else to do. I feel like my friend is just going down a dark hole. I tried suggesting therapy to her and she told me “it’s white people shit” so she wants no part in it. I feel so frustrated and upset with myself that I can’t help her. But I don’t know what else to do. I get so disgusted whenever she mentions the boyfriend and the relationship. Even if they are doing well (she reminds me constantly how well they are doing) I can’t be happy for her because of how horrible this man is. I don’t know what else to do to help her and I just feel myself growing apart from her. I miss the friend I had back in 2019 and I don’t know how else to get her back.

Once upon a time, on a kingdom far away, there lived a boy named Juan. Juan was a poor boy who lives on a small village. He was a kind and has a gentle soul, though he have a broken heart. Juan has fallen in love with a beautiful girl named Daisy.
They had known each other ever since they were little, and their love has grown strong everyday. But Daisy's father was a very wealthy king who do not approve Juan in his sight.
One day, Daisy's father arranged for her to marry a wealthy prince from another kingdom. Despite her protests, Daisy was forced to accept her father's decision, and she left the village, leaving Juan behind with a broken heart.
Juan could not bear to see Daisy marry someone else. He decided to sell his broken heart to the highest bidder, in the hope of winning Daisy's love. Juan travelled to the capital city where he put his broken heart for sale. Many wealthy suitors came by and offered Juan a fortune for his heart, but Juan refused them all determined to only sell his heart to someone who truly love Daisy. Finally, a young prince named Jack came and offered to buy Juan's heart. Jack was in love with Daisy, and he promised to use the heart to win her back from the wealthy prince. Juan agreed and sold his heart to Jack for a small portion of money. But as soon as the deal was made, Juan realized his mistake. He had sold his heart to the wrong person. Jack was not in love with Daisy but rather with her wealth and status. He used Juan's heart to win Daisy's hand in marriage, but he treated her poorly and abused her.
Daisy was devastated by Jack's betrayal, and she begged Juan to take back his heart, but it was too late. Juan's heart was now a part of Jack, and he could not reclaim it anymore. In the end, Juan was left with a shattered heart and learned a lesson. He realized that true love cannot be bought nor sold, and that it is better to suffer with a broken heart than to sell it to someone who does not truly love.

I sit alone in my room on the seventh floor, writing what will surely be my last will and testament. The heroin which allowed me to forget and to sleep for the last couple of years has lost its power to keep the screaming terrors away. The drug destroyed my body and mind, gradually eating away at them like a corrosive acid. Now I have become a slave to it. And yet, without it, I do not sleep for weeks, but instead continuously see the scenes from that terrible night running through my head on repeat as worsening waves of madness crash on the shores of my consciousness.
In the caverns under the town of Frost Hollow, I found the meaning of true madness. Ever since I escaped that den of horrors, it is difficult to tell what is real and what is only the feverish delirium of an unhinged mind.
Even now, they wait behind the door to this cheap, bare rented room. They drag their claws over the wood. I hear them hissing in that strange, ancient tongue, the one I first heard in the tombs of rock that had been undisturbed for countless millennia.
***
I had first heard rumors of an unexplored cavern from my friend, an experienced caver named Sonia who had explored caverns all over the world. I had been looking for some excitement in my life, some break from the constant monotony and boredom of simply working and sleeping. I had gone caving quite a few times over the year leading up to the trip, but I was not nearly as experienced and had never explored a supposedly virgin passageway of cavern before.
“How do you know no one’s gone down there?” I asked, curious. We sat across from each other at a local diner, getting some early breakfast before our planned descent. The sunrise was still another half-hour away, the sky flat and dark. We would be joined by Sonia’s husband, Phil, who would meet us there shortly after sunrise. I repressed an urge to yawn, chugging half of the steaming hot coffee in one long swallow. Sonia leaned close to me, her nearly colorless blue eyes reminding me of chunks of ice floating down a muddy stream.
“Phil’s friend just found it randomly,” she whispered before glancing around conspiratorially, as if she feared someone would care enough to eavesdrop on a conversation about a cave. “Well, it’s in the middle of a farm, and Phil’s friend, Jack Graysole, owns the entire property and surrounding woods. Jack says he noticed the cows kept going over to a certain spot in the field when it got really hot during the summertime. They would all gather around this little indentation in the grass. After seeing it a few times, Jack got curious and went to investigate what the cows were doing.
“He found a small hole in the ground, almost entirely covered by weeds and grass. He said he felt a cool breeze constantly blowing out of the hole, a breeze that smelled like burning matches and charred metal. After bringing out some shovels and digging down a couple feet, Jack realized that the hole wasn’t a hole at all, but the beginning of a steep passageway leading deep into the bowels of the earth.”
***
The owner of the land decided to unofficially call the newly-discovered cavern Graysole Caverns. Out of respect for him, this is also the name we all used. This is the story of how I found myself in the bowels of a strange subterranean tunnel, a tunnel where creatures beyond my comprehension slunk and hunted, skittering monstrosities who would be more at home in a nightmare.
After grabbing a couple coffees to take with us, Sonia drove over to Graysole Farms. Cows stood out in the grassy fields, huddled in tight circles as they repetitively chewed. The thin silhouette of Jack Graysole waited for us next to the herd. He had a face like a raisin, I thought to myself. I watched his thin, shaking body standing in the middle of an overgrown grassy field. Jack stared down blankly at something only he could see. Sonia and I started unloading some equipment from the car while we waited for Phil.
Once we had the backpacks loaded with some simple supplies, such as water, food, headlamps, rope, a couple extra batteries, some buck knives, and radios, we headed over to accompany Jack. We weren’t taking much, as we didn’t really expect to be down there for more than six or seven hours at the most.
Jack Graysole’s withered old face was as slack and expressionless as that of a corpse. He stared down at the ground as if he were in a trance, waving back and forth slowly on his feet like a plant in a light breeze.
“Jack?” Sonia called out as we approached. I could hear the man’s teeth chattering as we got nearer.
“Hey, what are you doing over here this early? You interested in accompanying us down there?” Sonia joked. But Jack might as well have been totally deaf for all the reaction he gave. Sonia glanced over at me with an anxious expression. I wondered if the old man was having a stroke.
I quickly walked over to where he stood, staring down at a black circular hole about three feet across directly in front of his feet. The entrance to Graysole Caverns stared up at us like a sightless pupil. As I drew within a few feet of Jack and looked straight into his blank eyes, I noticed something alarming.
His pupils were quickly dilating and constricting before my eyes. They would shrink to tiny pinpoints, then, a couple seconds later, rapidly expand until they became dark and serious. I could see his thready, rapid heartbeat pulsating in a vein on the side of his temple. Alarmed, I reached forward and put my hand on his shoulder.
Instantly, he came to life, like a man waking up from a nightmare. Shrieking, he looked at me with fully dilated pupils, reminding me of a panicked deer surrounded by wolves. His quavering old man’s voice shook with ineffable existential horror and mortal fear.
He took a step back away from us, seeming to realize where he was and what he was doing. He looked around, confused, then straight at me and Sonia. His eyes focused with anger and fear, as if we were demons here to drag him down to Hell. His eyes flicked back and forth between us constantly. Jack raised a trembling hand and pointed it straight at my heart.
“It’s you,” he said, his voice dropping to a harsh whisper. His teeth chattered despite the warm spring air. His skin looked deathly pale. “You’re the one who will bring an end to humanity, who will release the ruler of nightmares upon us.” He continued to point accusingly for a long moment at me, his face turning chalk-white. Then his eyes rolled up in his head. Slowly, he stumbled and fell backwards onto the soft grass of the field.
“Jack!” Sonia cried, running over to the old man. Jack’s breaths had started to come in slow, drawn-out gurgles, like a man with a slit throat trying to breathe. Frothy blood bubbled from his lips as they turned blue. Staring up at the endless expanse of cloudless sky, he exhaled one last shuddering breath and died.
***
Phil showed up only a couple minutes later. He found me and Sonia in a state of utter panic, both of us bent double over the still body of Jack. Sonia was on the phone with 911, and I was trying to give Jack chest compressions. The way his fingernails and lips shone with that cyanotic blue cast made me feel sick and weak. I knew it was futile, that I was simply playing with a corpse at this point, but I didn’t know what else to do. I felt if I didn’t do something, I might explode.
I heard the faint wailing of sirens approaching as Sonia’s panicked voice continued babbling to the 911 operator. Phil stood by her side, his tall, dark features searching and lost.
“Oh God, I think he’s dead!” Sonia cried over and over to the operator, as if she thought the operator could do anything about it. I didn’t hear what the operator said in response. As the ambulance pulled in, I gave up on chest compressions. I stood up and took a step back, looking sadly down on the kindly old man’s dead body.
The paramedics ran over. Phil, Sonia and I stood back while they worked on the corpse, trying to shock the heart back into life. But Jack’s open eyes stayed glazed as they stared sightlessly up into eternity.
***
The paramedics left. A couple police officers stayed behind to ask us a few routine questions. Eventually, after an hour or so, they left, too.
“What a fucked-up day,” Phil said, shaking his head grimly. “Do you guys still want to do this? Maybe it’s an omen from God telling us to go home.” Sonia and I exchanged a glance, then we both nodded at the same time.
“Definitely,” she said. “It’s sad what happened to Jack, but realistically, we don’t know what’s going to happen to this property now that he’s passed away. It might get sold or taken by the bank for all we know. This could be our one and only chance to explore this cave.”
“I don’t believe in omens. I’m still down,” I said, feeling slightly sick from the experience. I still remembered how Jack’s body had cracked under the weight of my chest compressions, how his ribs had snapped like bones shattering in greedy hands. “We’ll do it in memory of Jack. I plan to put this up on YouTube.” I pulled my GoPro out of my bag, turning it on. Phil groaned at that.
“Do we have any idea how far down this cave goes?” Phil asked. I felt a sense of relief now that the topic had changed from the death of the old man.
“I sent a little camera down on a rope, but it only went about a hundred feet,” Sonia responded. “It’s pretty steep at first, then it levels out. I couldn’t really see much after it leveled out, but it looks like it should be easy to climb down. There’s plenty of handholds, lots of jutting rocks.”
Phil put on his headlamp and small pack. As he crawled down into the hole, his tanned face looked up at us and gave us one last devilish grin. Once he had gone down a few dozen feet, Sonia started descending. She looked excited and happy. I noticed how she couldn’t stop smiling as she disappeared from view.
I watched their lights grow smaller and dimmer in the circular tunnel. I marveled at how perfectly circular the entrance was. It almost didn’t even look natural.
Taking a deep breath in, I followed my friends down into the dark.
***
“This isn’t too bad,” I said as I climbed down. The jutting rocks gave plenty of handholds and footholds for us. It wasn’t so tight that it felt like a coffin, either.
“It only gets easier from here!” Sonia called up.
“How do you know?” I asked. “You said you’ve never been here before.” She laughed.
“I know. Probably just wishful thinking,” she said. Far below us, Phil’s voice drifted up, faint and weak. He had already reached the bottom.
“The tunnel really opens up down here, guys,” he called. “It’s somewhat… bizarre, though.”
“What do you mean by that?” Sonia asked. I looked down, seeing Sonia and I would reach the bottom in seconds. “Forget it, I’ll let it be a surprise.” I heard her drop down. Slowly and carefully, I lowered myself down the last few feet. There was a short fall onto a smooth granite floor. I looked up, seeing what Phil and Sonia were so mesmerized by.
“Oh, wow,” I said, speechless. I blinked rapidly, wondering if the image would clear like a mirage. The tunnel was cut into a perfectly triangular shape, each side about seven feet long. The ceiling met in a point above our heads.
All along the smooth walls of gray rock, I saw thousands of black orbs peeking out. They looked similar to obsidian, but they were perfectly smooth and circular, each about the size of an orange. They were formed into interlocking diagonal patterns and followed the tunnel straight down as far as the eye could see.
“What is this place?” Sonia asked, taking a tentative step forward. I looked up, seeing the distant pinpoint of sunlight far above our heads. Our voices continued to echo off down the massive tunnels, disappearing in eerie waves into the thick curtain of shadows.
“Are you recording all this?” Phil asked me. I laughed, giddy.
“Of course! This is internet gold right here,” I said. “No one’s going to believe that this isn’t man-made, however. I can’t even believe it. Do you think Jack was playing a joke on us or something?”
“Jack had the sense of humor of a wet paper towel,” Phil whispered, shaking his head. “No, he wouldn’t do something like this.”
“Well, let’s go check it out,” Sonia said, taking a step forward. Her headlamp bobbed up and down rapidly, throwing dancing shadows through the triangular tunnel. It continued straight ahead, without the slightest deviation or curve, disappearing off into a dark point in the distance.
***
We walked as fast as we could, excited to see where, if anywhere, the strange tunnel led. Phil, always the conspiracy theorist, babbled excitedly.
“This has to be aliens, man,” he said, running his fingers through his dark hair. “I bet that scientists will find out this shit is millions of years old when we get back up and tell everyone. Maybe aliens came to earth in ancient times and made a bunch of stuff underground.” Gradually, as we walked, I noticed the tunnel opening up. The pointed triangular ceiling rose up higher above our heads and the walls moved outwards, as if we were walking up a triangular funnel. At first, it was so subtle that I didn’t believe it when Sonia pointed it out.
“No, look,” she said, raising her hand above her head. “When we first started down this weird tunnel, my fingers were only maybe a foot away from the top. Now it’s a couple feet.” I was about to respond when our headlamps illuminated something standing in the middle of the tunnel.
“What the fuck is that?” I whispered, stopping cold in my tracks. Phil and Sonia looked up at the abomination at the same time. Its back was to us. It stood nearly as tall as the tunnel, which was now about twenty feet high.
The bottom half looked black and spidery with dozens of long, jointed legs. A bloody, white spine rose out of the mass of legs. Inhumanly long, skeletal arms stretched out in front of it. Its face was pointed away from us, but the back of its head resembled an enormous pointed skull with deep fissures like the cracks of an earthquake running through the bone. The abomination stayed as still as a statue, and for a long moment, I wondered if we were looking at some macabre work of art.
Then, suddenly, one of its insectile legs twitched. A moment later, the other legs started jerking and twisting. There was a sound like bones shattering as it rose up to its full height, turning around to face us.
Its face was like something from a nightmare, melting and reforming constantly like dripping candle wax. I would see a black eye appear on its forehead, then a grinning mouth on its chin, then the features would get sucked back into the folds of melting flesh. After a few moments, two enormous eyes appeared on its face, dark and cold like craters on the surface of the Moon. The mouths and noses disappeared back into the dripping skin, and only the two lidless eyes remained, emanating a cold, reptilian consciousness beyond the ability of my mind to comprehend. I felt terror radiating from its body like freezing waves.
“Free me,” it cried in a gurgling voice that seethed with insanity. It had a shrieking, metallic ringing behind every word that gave it an alien quality. “Free me, and I will give you the waters of eternal life. Within me, I contain the seeds of immortality. Within the nightmares, we live forever, always together, never alone.”
“Who are you?” I asked, terrified. The black reptilian skin of the enormous beast glistened as it knelt down, its massive face drawing near to mine. A sideways mouth burst out of the liquified flesh, showing hundreds of fangs growing like tumors from its white, bloodless gums. The fangs varied in size from only a couple inches to long, sword-like projections that stabbed into the creature’s flesh, causing white blood glittering with rainbows to fall like raindrops all around me.
“I have many names,” it hissed, its thousand voices rising and falling in crashing waves of sound. “I was present at the beginning, when this planet was no more than dead cliffs and endless freezing oceans. Those holy ones who search for us, the ancient ones, call me Niralahoth.”
“How do we free you?” Phil asked, looking terrified. He held Sonia’s hand tightly.
“By letting me into your mind and body,” Niralahoth cried, shaking the cavern. “I was thrown down here, cursed and forgotten. I cannot leave this place of shadows within this body. But in the body of another, my consciousness can be free, and the seeds of new life can spread beyond this prison.”
“There’s no way anyone’s going to do that,” I said, my eyes widening as Niralahoth’s reptilian skull turned towards me in fury. “I mean, you’re asking one of us to give up our individuality, our lives, right?”
“I am asking you to become one with me and gain power undreamt of by mortals,” it cried. “I have within me the fountain of life, the waters that send death away screaming.” I glanced anxiously at Phil and Sonia, wondering if we would have to run.
“The answer is no,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, we can’t do that,” Phil said, backing me up. “But, anyways, I think our trip has ended. It’s time to turn around…”
“You will never return,” Niralahoth cried, skittering away from us. “If you will not accept salvation, then you must accept death.” Within seconds, it slunk away from us, backpedaling on its many skittering legs into the shadows.
***
All around us, a rumbling started.
There was a pounding that crashed through the rock tunnel, as if an insane blacksmith were hammering on a massive anvil. The ringing of crashing rock started off slowly, with a few stones smashing down around us with heavy blasts of sound. Within seconds, the cacophony sped up, rising into a constant stream of destruction. The black orbs were spinning in place all up and down the tunnel, their glossy obsidian surfaces flashing with sparks of blue light.
“It’s collapsing!” Phil cried, running back in the direction we came, holding Sonia’s hand as she tried to keep up with him. I could only stare for a long moment, not sure what to do. It seemed that the direction Phil was heading stood closer to total collapse.
“Wait!” I cried, but my voice was drowned out in the destruction all around us. I felt a rock smash into my shoulder, sending me down to my feet. I heard Phil give a scream of pain, then another stone came down and smashed into my forehead. I remember seeing everything spinning around me as the world went black.
***
I awoke to find my headlamp still shining straight up in the dusty tunnel. Large chunks of the tunnel had slid out of place and crashed to the stone floor. The granite chunks that had fallen looked unnaturally smooth, most of them in the shapes of cylinders or cubes and varying in size from that of an egg to that of a small car.
My head throbbed. It felt as if a tight belt of fire were wrapped around my temples. Groaning, I put my fingers up to my forehead. They came away slick with blood.
Slowly, I started pushing myself up on my feet. I was relieved that nothing seemed broken. I had a deep gash running from the center of my scalp down to my left temple and some shallower cuts on my shoulders and back, but I knew none of that was life-threatening.
“Sonia?” I whispered, my voice coming out weak and strained. I reached into my pack and found a bottle of water. I chugged it quickly in one long swallow.
“Phil?” I cried again, this time stronger. I heard a soft weeping nearby. Staggering, I followed the sound.
Sonia was bloody and covered in cuts and scrapes, sitting next to Phil’s prone form. I saw Phil’s right arm pinned under a massive slab of granite. His arm disappeared from the elbow down in a spreading puddle of thick, dark blood.
“Oh God, Max, I think he’s hurt really bad,” she wept. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly in his head, his face pale and bloodless. I looked down the way we had come, seeing the entire tunnel blocked by large slabs of stone, many with strange, black orbs peeking out like the lenses of cameras.
***
I don’t know how much time passed. My phone died after a day, and then we were counting the endless darkness in breaths and tears.
Phil swam in and out of consciousness as his arm putrefied and blackened around the crush site. After a couple days, Sonia and I agreed that something had to be done. We told Phil we would need to amputate his arm. He was half-delirious, but he came back long enough to understand us and nod weakly.
We made a fire with Phil’s pack, trying to find fuel to throw in it to get it roaring. As it grew, I saw one of the black orbs near the flames abruptly ignite, as if it had been covered in gasoline. Blue, almost colorless flames rose from its surface. We started throwing the small black orbs on the fire until it rose high in the air. I sanitized the buck knife with the flames and pulled a rope tourniquet tight around Phil’s arm. He was conscious but seemingly insane, talking to himself more than anyone else.
“How are we going to get the car started without a key?” he gurgled to someone only he could see. “We need to look around. It has to be here somewhere.”
“Phil, can you hear me, bud? We need to fix your arm. We need to get you out of this mess. OK?” I said as comfortingly as I could. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly, but they didn’t meet my own. I sighed and looked over at Sonia.
“Let’s do it,” I said, giving a grim nod.
I pulled the buck knife out, slicing quickly down through the flesh next to the tourniquet. His veins throbbed like fat worms as the blackened, necrotic skin split easily under the blade, releasing a rancid-smelling gas that hissed out of the wound.
I couldn’t believe how hard it was to slice all the way through the arm. It felt like I was stuck in that hellish task forever. Phil’s eyes rolled in his head as his skin turned the color of clotted milk.
“God, Jesus, make it stop,” Phil whispered over and over, exhaling ragged, pain-filled breaths. The blood spurted from the blackened, dying tissue all over the dust-covered cavern floor, covering my hands in its warm, slick embrace.
After what was probably only three or four minutes, but felt like hours, I had sliced all the way down to the bone. The infected tissue of his arm spurted great gouts of orange pus mixed with rivulets of blood. The hard part was over.
Standing up, I took my steel-toe sneaker and stomped down on his arm as hard as I could. Phil cried out in a powerful voice, as if all the agony and suffering in the world was contained in that one shriek. The bone snapped under my weight with a sound like a tree branch cracking. A moment later, Phil rolled away from the rock that had pinned me in place for so long. Something alien and spongy was shoved into my face, a mass of destroyed red tissue pulsating in time with a runaway heartbeat. At first, shell-shocked and revolted, my mind couldn’t comprehend that I was looking at the stump of Phil’s mutilated arm. I hardened my heart and forced the giddiness and madness to the back of my mind. The time had come to cauterize the wound.
“Sonia, give it to me,” I said with a tremor in my voice. I reached out a hand towards her, a hand stained with Phil’s blood. It looked as if I were wearing a wet, crimson glove. Sonia only stared blankly at me for a long moment, however. A surge of anger ran up my chest.
“Sonia, toughen the fuck up! He’s going to die if you just sit there!” I swore at her, hearing my deep, angry voice bounce around the caverns. Sonia pulled back, as if she were struck. Inwardly, I cursed having a woman as my only able-bodied companion in this situation. She was a competent enough caver, but what would happen if violence and blood came over us? What would happen if, or more realistically when, we needed to fight?
Grimly, Sonia leaned forward and yanked the burning black orb out of the roaring fire, handing it to me on the end of a buck knife that had just barely pierced its hard, strange exterior. The handle of the knife felt coarse and splintery under my filthy skin. I put it to the spongy stump of Phil’s arm. The stump twitched violently. Phil tried to pull away as black smoke rose from the burning flesh.
There was a smell like bacon sizzling. The searing meat of Phil’s arm blackened and crisped under the heat of the orb, which had become no more than a cylinder of glowing blue embers by this point. I felt simultaneously sick and giddy. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or vomit. I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of madness, that the stress and insanity of the experience had started to shatter my mind.
His eyes rolled back in his head and he appeared to go into a seizure for a few seconds. With a long exhalation of breath, he finally, mercifully, lost consciousness. It’s hard to admit it, even this close to the end, but a small, sick piece of me was jealous of Phil. Most likely, he would be dead soon, maybe within hours, while Sonia and I would slowly starve and dehydrate like animals over a period of weeks. I looked at her lithe body and soft skin, seeing the feminine curves of her hips and chest. She was a beautiful woman. I knew Phil to be a lucky man. At least, before this trip, he was.
I watched her body, wondering if I had what it took to eat her or Phil if I had to. Did I have an iron heart that would allow me to slice into my friends and consume their raw, cold flesh? Perhaps, by that point, it would be hunger and madness driving me forward, and I wouldn’t even hesitate. I shuddered at the very thought.
***
I fell asleep that night, having strange dreams of massive gods with melting faces sitting in judgment in a circle around me. We had very little food or water left. No one knew we were down here. Rescue was not coming.
When I awoke, I found myself alone. Phil had died from his injuries while I slept, the black streaks of septic shock spreading up his arm towards his heart. His eyes stared sightlessly up at the rock ceiling.
“Sonia?” I called out, my heart racing as I sat up. “Where are you?” My headlamp was growing dim. I looked in my pack, realizing I was on the last of my batteries. I saw a silhouette walking out of the darkness, the thin, pale form of Sonia. She was trembling badly.
“I saw them,” she said. “Niralahoth and its priests. The priests aren’t human. They look reptilian with sideways mouths and too many eyes.” She shuddered.
“Why would you do that?” I asked. Her eyes grew distant.
“You know we’re not getting out of here alive,” she said. “Not on our own. I wanted to see what it offered. It says that if we take a piece of its nightmare into us, we will gain the power to leave this place, that it simply wants to see the surface and spread its nightmares there.” I shook my head.
“Insanity,” I muttered. “We’d be better off dead.” Sonia nodded.
“My thoughts exactly,” she responded grimly. I didn’t realize what she meant until the next day, when I woke up and found her hanging next to Phil’s body, her tongue swollen and blue as it poked out of her cyanotic lips. And then I was truly alone.
***
Soon after Sonia committed suicide, the last of the batteries for the headlamp died. I had run out of food and had only a small sip of water left. I don’t know how much time passed in the darkness, starving and raving, following the tunnel by running my hands over the walls. I heard many things skittering in the darkness, and a few times, I heard the demonic voice of Niralahoth as it split and distorted.
“You are on death’s door,” it hissed. “Will you not drink from the fountain of life?” I couldn’t tell where the voice came from in the maddening blackness. It seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. I had lost nearly all of my sanity in that pit of shadows by this point. I tried laughing constantly to keep my spirits up, and when that failed, I simply cried.
“I’ll do it,” I wailed. “I’ll do it. Just let me see the sky again. Get me out of here, Niralahoth.” Everything went deathly silent all around me, then a laugh rang out like the grinding of glass.
In front of me, I saw a tornado of fire descending from the ceiling, surrounding the massive, spidery form of Niralahoth. It rose its skeletal arms upwards, as if it were Zeus calling down lightning. In the sudden brightness, I saw the fiery form of snakes slithering and centipedes skittering forwards in that tornado, each massive creature sculpted from flames in the spinning cyclone of energy. Niralahoth reached into the tornado of fire with its sharp points of fingers and plucked something small from it. The fire instantly dissipated. In its hand, I saw a tiny, swirling orb that looked like it contained a firestorm within it.
“The nightmare seed,” Niralahoth gurgled as it skittered forward towards me. I could only stare, open-mouthed and starving. I hadn’t slept for days, it felt like, and everything seemed slow and unreal.
In a blur, its skeletal arm shot out and forced the orb into my mouth. Despite the fire raging within it, it felt freezing cold. As it touched my tongue, it gave off a sensation like frostbite all throughout my mouth. I screamed and tried spitting it out, but it seemed to have a mind of its own. It started liquifying, dripping down my throat.
I felt something cancerous and sick spreading throughout my body, radiating out from my heart and stomach to every inch of it. I tried to scream, but it caught behind my teeth. I fell to my knees, clawing at my face as that insane, alien laugh continued resounding all down the tunnel. I fell unconscious and woke up under a beautiful sky in the fields of Graysole Farms.
***
Soon after, I realized that my life would never be the same. Everywhere I went, I could hear the wailing voice of Niralahoth. Behind the trees, I always saw skittering shadows, creatures with long, spidery legs that stalked me every day and night. I slept with every light in the house turned on, yet when I woke up, they would all be shut off, and I would find myself in darkness, next to something in the bed with far too many legs and a face that dripped like burning wax.
I sold everything I owned and tried to move far away, to give as much distance between myself and those cursed caverns as I could, but the nightmares followed me like a shadow. I realize what a fool I was in those ephemeral moments of madness. Sonia was much wiser than myself; I should have killed myself or died rather than allowing that thing inside of me.
Even now, I can feel it creeping through my heart, spreading through my blood. I feel it trying to crawl its way out of my throat, the thin, black legs peeking out at the back of my esophagus.
I only hope that, when I finally jump and feel my bones shatter against the concrete far below, I will kill whatever is inside of me. For I fear the consequences for the world if it were to escape.

I sit alone in my room on the seventh floor, writing what will surely be my last will and testament. The heroin which allowed me to forget and to sleep for the last couple of years has lost its power to keep the screaming terrors away. The drug destroyed my body and mind, gradually eating away at them like a corrosive acid. Now I have become a slave to it. And yet, without it, I do not sleep for weeks, but instead continuously see the scenes from that terrible night running through my head on repeat as worsening waves of madness crash on the shores of my consciousness.
In the caverns under the town of Frost Hollow, I found the meaning of true madness. Ever since I escaped that den of horrors, it is difficult to tell what is real and what is only the feverish delirium of an unhinged mind.
Even now, they wait behind the door to this cheap, bare rented room. They drag their claws over the wood. I hear them hissing in that strange, ancient tongue, the one I first heard in the tombs of rock that had been undisturbed for countless millennia.
***
I had first heard rumors of an unexplored cavern from my friend, an experienced caver named Sonia who had explored caverns all over the world. I had been looking for some excitement in my life, some break from the constant monotony and boredom of simply working and sleeping. I had gone caving quite a few times over the year leading up to the trip, but I was not nearly as experienced and had never explored a supposedly virgin passageway of cavern before.
“How do you know no one’s gone down there?” I asked, curious. We sat across from each other at a local diner, getting some early breakfast before our planned descent. The sunrise was still another half-hour away, the sky flat and dark. We would be joined by Sonia’s husband, Phil, who would meet us there shortly after sunrise. I repressed an urge to yawn, chugging half of the steaming hot coffee in one long swallow. Sonia leaned close to me, her nearly colorless blue eyes reminding me of chunks of ice floating down a muddy stream.
“Phil’s friend just found it randomly,” she whispered before glancing around conspiratorially, as if she feared someone would care enough to eavesdrop on a conversation about a cave. “Well, it’s in the middle of a farm, and Phil’s friend, Jack Graysole, owns the entire property and surrounding woods. Jack says he noticed the cows kept going over to a certain spot in the field when it got really hot during the summertime. They would all gather around this little indentation in the grass. After seeing it a few times, Jack got curious and went to investigate what the cows were doing.
“He found a small hole in the ground, almost entirely covered by weeds and grass. He said he felt a cool breeze constantly blowing out of the hole, a breeze that smelled like burning matches and charred metal. After bringing out some shovels and digging down a couple feet, Jack realized that the hole wasn’t a hole at all, but the beginning of a steep passageway leading deep into the bowels of the earth.”
***
The owner of the land decided to unofficially call the newly-discovered cavern Graysole Caverns. Out of respect for him, this is also the name we all used. This is the story of how I found myself in the bowels of a strange subterranean tunnel, a tunnel where creatures beyond my comprehension slunk and hunted, skittering monstrosities who would be more at home in a nightmare.
After grabbing a couple coffees to take with us, Sonia drove over to Graysole Farms. Cows stood out in the grassy fields, huddled in tight circles as they repetitively chewed. The thin silhouette of Jack Graysole waited for us next to the herd. He had a face like a raisin, I thought to myself. I watched his thin, shaking body standing in the middle of an overgrown grassy field. Jack stared down blankly at something only he could see. Sonia and I started unloading some equipment from the car while we waited for Phil.
Once we had the backpacks loaded with some simple supplies, such as water, food, headlamps, rope, a couple extra batteries, some buck knives, and radios, we headed over to accompany Jack. We weren’t taking much, as we didn’t really expect to be down there for more than six or seven hours at the most.
Jack Graysole’s withered old face was as slack and expressionless as that of a corpse. He stared down at the ground as if he were in a trance, waving back and forth slowly on his feet like a plant in a light breeze.
“Jack?” Sonia called out as we approached. I could hear the man’s teeth chattering as we got nearer.
“Hey, what are you doing over here this early? You interested in accompanying us down there?” Sonia joked. But Jack might as well have been totally deaf for all the reaction he gave. Sonia glanced over at me with an anxious expression. I wondered if the old man was having a stroke.
I quickly walked over to where he stood, staring down at a black circular hole about three feet across directly in front of his feet. The entrance to Graysole Caverns stared up at us like a sightless pupil. As I drew within a few feet of Jack and looked straight into his blank eyes, I noticed something alarming.
His pupils were quickly dilating and constricting before my eyes. They would shrink to tiny pinpoints, then, a couple seconds later, rapidly expand until they became dark and serious. I could see his thready, rapid heartbeat pulsating in a vein on the side of his temple. Alarmed, I reached forward and put my hand on his shoulder.
Instantly, he came to life, like a man waking up from a nightmare. Shrieking, he looked at me with fully dilated pupils, reminding me of a panicked deer surrounded by wolves. His quavering old man’s voice shook with ineffable existential horror and mortal fear.
He took a step back away from us, seeming to realize where he was and what he was doing. He looked around, confused, then straight at me and Sonia. His eyes focused with anger and fear, as if we were demons here to drag him down to Hell. His eyes flicked back and forth between us constantly. Jack raised a trembling hand and pointed it straight at my heart.
“It’s you,” he said, his voice dropping to a harsh whisper. His teeth chattered despite the warm spring air. His skin looked deathly pale. “You’re the one who will bring an end to humanity, who will release the ruler of nightmares upon us.” He continued to point accusingly for a long moment at me, his face turning chalk-white. Then his eyes rolled up in his head. Slowly, he stumbled and fell backwards onto the soft grass of the field.
“Jack!” Sonia cried, running over to the old man. Jack’s breaths had started to come in slow, drawn-out gurgles, like a man with a slit throat trying to breathe. Frothy blood bubbled from his lips as they turned blue. Staring up at the endless expanse of cloudless sky, he exhaled one last shuddering breath and died.
***
Phil showed up only a couple minutes later. He found me and Sonia in a state of utter panic, both of us bent double over the still body of Jack. Sonia was on the phone with 911, and I was trying to give Jack chest compressions. The way his fingernails and lips shone with that cyanotic blue cast made me feel sick and weak. I knew it was futile, that I was simply playing with a corpse at this point, but I didn’t know what else to do. I felt if I didn’t do something, I might explode.
I heard the faint wailing of sirens approaching as Sonia’s panicked voice continued babbling to the 911 operator. Phil stood by her side, his tall, dark features searching and lost.
“Oh God, I think he’s dead!” Sonia cried over and over to the operator, as if she thought the operator could do anything about it. I didn’t hear what the operator said in response. As the ambulance pulled in, I gave up on chest compressions. I stood up and took a step back, looking sadly down on the kindly old man’s dead body.
The paramedics ran over. Phil, Sonia and I stood back while they worked on the corpse, trying to shock the heart back into life. But Jack’s open eyes stayed glazed as they stared sightlessly up into eternity.
***
The paramedics left. A couple police officers stayed behind to ask us a few routine questions. Eventually, after an hour or so, they left, too.
“What a fucked-up day,” Phil said, shaking his head grimly. “Do you guys still want to do this? Maybe it’s an omen from God telling us to go home.” Sonia and I exchanged a glance, then we both nodded at the same time.
“Definitely,” she said. “It’s sad what happened to Jack, but realistically, we don’t know what’s going to happen to this property now that he’s passed away. It might get sold or taken by the bank for all we know. This could be our one and only chance to explore this cave.”
“I don’t believe in omens. I’m still down,” I said, feeling slightly sick from the experience. I still remembered how Jack’s body had cracked under the weight of my chest compressions, how his ribs had snapped like bones shattering in greedy hands. “We’ll do it in memory of Jack. I plan to put this up on YouTube.” I pulled my GoPro out of my bag, turning it on. Phil groaned at that.
“Do we have any idea how far down this cave goes?” Phil asked. I felt a sense of relief now that the topic had changed from the death of the old man.
“I sent a little camera down on a rope, but it only went about a hundred feet,” Sonia responded. “It’s pretty steep at first, then it levels out. I couldn’t really see much after it leveled out, but it looks like it should be easy to climb down. There’s plenty of handholds, lots of jutting rocks.”
Phil put on his headlamp and small pack. As he crawled down into the hole, his tanned face looked up at us and gave us one last devilish grin. Once he had gone down a few dozen feet, Sonia started descending. She looked excited and happy. I noticed how she couldn’t stop smiling as she disappeared from view.
I watched their lights grow smaller and dimmer in the circular tunnel. I marveled at how perfectly circular the entrance was. It almost didn’t even look natural.
Taking a deep breath in, I followed my friends down into the dark.
***
“This isn’t too bad,” I said as I climbed down. The jutting rocks gave plenty of handholds and footholds for us. It wasn’t so tight that it felt like a coffin, either.
“It only gets easier from here!” Sonia called up.
“How do you know?” I asked. “You said you’ve never been here before.” She laughed.
“I know. Probably just wishful thinking,” she said. Far below us, Phil’s voice drifted up, faint and weak. He had already reached the bottom.
“The tunnel really opens up down here, guys,” he called. “It’s somewhat… bizarre, though.”
“What do you mean by that?” Sonia asked. I looked down, seeing Sonia and I would reach the bottom in seconds. “Forget it, I’ll let it be a surprise.” I heard her drop down. Slowly and carefully, I lowered myself down the last few feet. There was a short fall onto a smooth granite floor. I looked up, seeing what Phil and Sonia were so mesmerized by.
“Oh, wow,” I said, speechless. I blinked rapidly, wondering if the image would clear like a mirage. The tunnel was cut into a perfectly triangular shape, each side about seven feet long. The ceiling met in a point above our heads.
All along the smooth walls of gray rock, I saw thousands of black orbs peeking out. They looked similar to obsidian, but they were perfectly smooth and circular, each about the size of an orange. They were formed into interlocking diagonal patterns and followed the tunnel straight down as far as the eye could see.
“What is this place?” Sonia asked, taking a tentative step forward. I looked up, seeing the distant pinpoint of sunlight far above our heads. Our voices continued to echo off down the massive tunnels, disappearing in eerie waves into the thick curtain of shadows.
“Are you recording all this?” Phil asked me. I laughed, giddy.
“Of course! This is internet gold right here,” I said. “No one’s going to believe that this isn’t man-made, however. I can’t even believe it. Do you think Jack was playing a joke on us or something?”
“Jack had the sense of humor of a wet paper towel,” Phil whispered, shaking his head. “No, he wouldn’t do something like this.”
“Well, let’s go check it out,” Sonia said, taking a step forward. Her headlamp bobbed up and down rapidly, throwing dancing shadows through the triangular tunnel. It continued straight ahead, without the slightest deviation or curve, disappearing off into a dark point in the distance.
***
We walked as fast as we could, excited to see where, if anywhere, the strange tunnel led. Phil, always the conspiracy theorist, babbled excitedly.
“This has to be aliens, man,” he said, running his fingers through his dark hair. “I bet that scientists will find out this shit is millions of years old when we get back up and tell everyone. Maybe aliens came to earth in ancient times and made a bunch of stuff underground.” Gradually, as we walked, I noticed the tunnel opening up. The pointed triangular ceiling rose up higher above our heads and the walls moved outwards, as if we were walking up a triangular funnel. At first, it was so subtle that I didn’t believe it when Sonia pointed it out.
“No, look,” she said, raising her hand above her head. “When we first started down this weird tunnel, my fingers were only maybe a foot away from the top. Now it’s a couple feet.” I was about to respond when our headlamps illuminated something standing in the middle of the tunnel.
“What the fuck is that?” I whispered, stopping cold in my tracks. Phil and Sonia looked up at the abomination at the same time. Its back was to us. It stood nearly as tall as the tunnel, which was now about twenty feet high.
The bottom half looked black and spidery with dozens of long, jointed legs. A bloody, white spine rose out of the mass of legs. Inhumanly long, skeletal arms stretched out in front of it. Its face was pointed away from us, but the back of its head resembled an enormous pointed skull with deep fissures like the cracks of an earthquake running through the bone. The abomination stayed as still as a statue, and for a long moment, I wondered if we were looking at some macabre work of art.
Then, suddenly, one of its insectile legs twitched. A moment later, the other legs started jerking and twisting. There was a sound like bones shattering as it rose up to its full height, turning around to face us.
Its face was like something from a nightmare, melting and reforming constantly like dripping candle wax. I would see a black eye appear on its forehead, then a grinning mouth on its chin, then the features would get sucked back into the folds of melting flesh. After a few moments, two enormous eyes appeared on its face, dark and cold like craters on the surface of the Moon. The mouths and noses disappeared back into the dripping skin, and only the two lidless eyes remained, emanating a cold, reptilian consciousness beyond the ability of my mind to comprehend. I felt terror radiating from its body like freezing waves.
“Free me,” it cried in a gurgling voice that seethed with insanity. It had a shrieking, metallic ringing behind every word that gave it an alien quality. “Free me, and I will give you the waters of eternal life. Within me, I contain the seeds of immortality. Within the nightmares, we live forever, always together, never alone.”
“Who are you?” I asked, terrified. The black reptilian skin of the enormous beast glistened as it knelt down, its massive face drawing near to mine. A sideways mouth burst out of the liquified flesh, showing hundreds of fangs growing like tumors from its white, bloodless gums. The fangs varied in size from only a couple inches to long, sword-like projections that stabbed into the creature’s flesh, causing white blood glittering with rainbows to fall like raindrops all around me.
“I have many names,” it hissed, its thousand voices rising and falling in crashing waves of sound. “I was present at the beginning, when this planet was no more than dead cliffs and endless freezing oceans. Those holy ones who search for us, the ancient ones, call me Niralahoth.”
“How do we free you?” Phil asked, looking terrified. He held Sonia’s hand tightly.
“By letting me into your mind and body,” Niralahoth cried, shaking the cavern. “I was thrown down here, cursed and forgotten. I cannot leave this place of shadows within this body. But in the body of another, my consciousness can be free, and the seeds of new life can spread beyond this prison.”
“There’s no way anyone’s going to do that,” I said, my eyes widening as Niralahoth’s reptilian skull turned towards me in fury. “I mean, you’re asking one of us to give up our individuality, our lives, right?”
“I am asking you to become one with me and gain power undreamt of by mortals,” it cried. “I have within me the fountain of life, the waters that send death away screaming.” I glanced anxiously at Phil and Sonia, wondering if we would have to run.
“The answer is no,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, we can’t do that,” Phil said, backing me up. “But, anyways, I think our trip has ended. It’s time to turn around…”
“You will never return,” Niralahoth cried, skittering away from us. “If you will not accept salvation, then you must accept death.” Within seconds, it slunk away from us, backpedaling on its many skittering legs into the shadows.
***
All around us, a rumbling started.
There was a pounding that crashed through the rock tunnel, as if an insane blacksmith were hammering on a massive anvil. The ringing of crashing rock started off slowly, with a few stones smashing down around us with heavy blasts of sound. Within seconds, the cacophony sped up, rising into a constant stream of destruction. The black orbs were spinning in place all up and down the tunnel, their glossy obsidian surfaces flashing with sparks of blue light.
“It’s collapsing!” Phil cried, running back in the direction we came, holding Sonia’s hand as she tried to keep up with him. I could only stare for a long moment, not sure what to do. It seemed that the direction Phil was heading stood closer to total collapse.
“Wait!” I cried, but my voice was drowned out in the destruction all around us. I felt a rock smash into my shoulder, sending me down to my feet. I heard Phil give a scream of pain, then another stone came down and smashed into my forehead. I remember seeing everything spinning around me as the world went black.
***
I awoke to find my headlamp still shining straight up in the dusty tunnel. Large chunks of the tunnel had slid out of place and crashed to the stone floor. The granite chunks that had fallen looked unnaturally smooth, most of them in the shapes of cylinders or cubes and varying in size from that of an egg to that of a small car.
My head throbbed. It felt as if a tight belt of fire were wrapped around my temples. Groaning, I put my fingers up to my forehead. They came away slick with blood.
Slowly, I started pushing myself up on my feet. I was relieved that nothing seemed broken. I had a deep gash running from the center of my scalp down to my left temple and some shallower cuts on my shoulders and back, but I knew none of that was life-threatening.
“Sonia?” I whispered, my voice coming out weak and strained. I reached into my pack and found a bottle of water. I chugged it quickly in one long swallow.
“Phil?” I cried again, this time stronger. I heard a soft weeping nearby. Staggering, I followed the sound.
Sonia was bloody and covered in cuts and scrapes, sitting next to Phil’s prone form. I saw Phil’s right arm pinned under a massive slab of granite. His arm disappeared from the elbow down in a spreading puddle of thick, dark blood.
“Oh God, Max, I think he’s hurt really bad,” she wept. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly in his head, his face pale and bloodless. I looked down the way we had come, seeing the entire tunnel blocked by large slabs of stone, many with strange, black orbs peeking out like the lenses of cameras.
***
I don’t know how much time passed. My phone died after a day, and then we were counting the endless darkness in breaths and tears.
Phil swam in and out of consciousness as his arm putrefied and blackened around the crush site. After a couple days, Sonia and I agreed that something had to be done. We told Phil we would need to amputate his arm. He was half-delirious, but he came back long enough to understand us and nod weakly.
We made a fire with Phil’s pack, trying to find fuel to throw in it to get it roaring. As it grew, I saw one of the black orbs near the flames abruptly ignite, as if it had been covered in gasoline. Blue, almost colorless flames rose from its surface. We started throwing the small black orbs on the fire until it rose high in the air. I sanitized the buck knife with the flames and pulled a rope tourniquet tight around Phil’s arm. He was conscious but seemingly insane, talking to himself more than anyone else.
“How are we going to get the car started without a key?” he gurgled to someone only he could see. “We need to look around. It has to be here somewhere.”
“Phil, can you hear me, bud? We need to fix your arm. We need to get you out of this mess. OK?” I said as comfortingly as I could. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly, but they didn’t meet my own. I sighed and looked over at Sonia.
“Let’s do it,” I said, giving a grim nod.
I pulled the buck knife out, slicing quickly down through the flesh next to the tourniquet. His veins throbbed like fat worms as the blackened, necrotic skin split easily under the blade, releasing a rancid-smelling gas that hissed out of the wound.
I couldn’t believe how hard it was to slice all the way through the arm. It felt like I was stuck in that hellish task forever. Phil’s eyes rolled in his head as his skin turned the color of clotted milk.
“God, Jesus, make it stop,” Phil whispered over and over, exhaling ragged, pain-filled breaths. The blood spurted from the blackened, dying tissue all over the dust-covered cavern floor, covering my hands in its warm, slick embrace.
After what was probably only three or four minutes, but felt like hours, I had sliced all the way down to the bone. The infected tissue of his arm spurted great gouts of orange pus mixed with rivulets of blood. The hard part was over.
Standing up, I took my steel-toe sneaker and stomped down on his arm as hard as I could. Phil cried out in a powerful voice, as if all the agony and suffering in the world was contained in that one shriek. The bone snapped under my weight with a sound like a tree branch cracking. A moment later, Phil rolled away from the rock that had pinned me in place for so long. Something alien and spongy was shoved into my face, a mass of destroyed red tissue pulsating in time with a runaway heartbeat. At first, shell-shocked and revolted, my mind couldn’t comprehend that I was looking at the stump of Phil’s mutilated arm. I hardened my heart and forced the giddiness and madness to the back of my mind. The time had come to cauterize the wound.
“Sonia, give it to me,” I said with a tremor in my voice. I reached out a hand towards her, a hand stained with Phil’s blood. It looked as if I were wearing a wet, crimson glove. Sonia only stared blankly at me for a long moment, however. A surge of anger ran up my chest.
“Sonia, toughen the fuck up! He’s going to die if you just sit there!” I swore at her, hearing my deep, angry voice bounce around the caverns. Sonia pulled back, as if she were struck. Inwardly, I cursed having a woman as my only able-bodied companion in this situation. She was a competent enough caver, but what would happen if violence and blood came over us? What would happen if, or more realistically when, we needed to fight?
Grimly, Sonia leaned forward and yanked the burning black orb out of the roaring fire, handing it to me on the end of a buck knife that had just barely pierced its hard, strange exterior. The handle of the knife felt coarse and splintery under my filthy skin. I put it to the spongy stump of Phil’s arm. The stump twitched violently. Phil tried to pull away as black smoke rose from the burning flesh.
There was a smell like bacon sizzling. The searing meat of Phil’s arm blackened and crisped under the heat of the orb, which had become no more than a cylinder of glowing blue embers by this point. I felt simultaneously sick and giddy. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or vomit. I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of madness, that the stress and insanity of the experience had started to shatter my mind.
His eyes rolled back in his head and he appeared to go into a seizure for a few seconds. With a long exhalation of breath, he finally, mercifully, lost consciousness. It’s hard to admit it, even this close to the end, but a small, sick piece of me was jealous of Phil. Most likely, he would be dead soon, maybe within hours, while Sonia and I would slowly starve and dehydrate like animals over a period of weeks. I looked at her lithe body and soft skin, seeing the feminine curves of her hips and chest. She was a beautiful woman. I knew Phil to be a lucky man. At least, before this trip, he was.
I watched her body, wondering if I had what it took to eat her or Phil if I had to. Did I have an iron heart that would allow me to slice into my friends and consume their raw, cold flesh? Perhaps, by that point, it would be hunger and madness driving me forward, and I wouldn’t even hesitate. I shuddered at the very thought.
***
I fell asleep that night, having strange dreams of massive gods with melting faces sitting in judgment in a circle around me. We had very little food or water left. No one knew we were down here. Rescue was not coming.
When I awoke, I found myself alone. Phil had died from his injuries while I slept, the black streaks of septic shock spreading up his arm towards his heart. His eyes stared sightlessly up at the rock ceiling.
“Sonia?” I called out, my heart racing as I sat up. “Where are you?” My headlamp was growing dim. I looked in my pack, realizing I was on the last of my batteries. I saw a silhouette walking out of the darkness, the thin, pale form of Sonia. She was trembling badly.
“I saw them,” she said. “Niralahoth and its priests. The priests aren’t human. They look reptilian with sideways mouths and too many eyes.” She shuddered.
“Why would you do that?” I asked. Her eyes grew distant.
“You know we’re not getting out of here alive,” she said. “Not on our own. I wanted to see what it offered. It says that if we take a piece of its nightmare into us, we will gain the power to leave this place, that it simply wants to see the surface and spread its nightmares there.” I shook my head.
“Insanity,” I muttered. “We’d be better off dead.” Sonia nodded.
“My thoughts exactly,” she responded grimly. I didn’t realize what she meant until the next day, when I woke up and found her hanging next to Phil’s body, her tongue swollen and blue as it poked out of her cyanotic lips. And then I was truly alone.
***
Soon after Sonia committed suicide, the last of the batteries for the headlamp died. I had run out of food and had only a small sip of water left. I don’t know how much time passed in the darkness, starving and raving, following the tunnel by running my hands over the walls. I heard many things skittering in the darkness, and a few times, I heard the demonic voice of Niralahoth as it split and distorted.
“You are on death’s door,” it hissed. “Will you not drink from the fountain of life?” I couldn’t tell where the voice came from in the maddening blackness. It seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. I had lost nearly all of my sanity in that pit of shadows by this point. I tried laughing constantly to keep my spirits up, and when that failed, I simply cried.
“I’ll do it,” I wailed. “I’ll do it. Just let me see the sky again. Get me out of here, Niralahoth.” Everything went deathly silent all around me, then a laugh rang out like the grinding of glass.
In front of me, I saw a tornado of fire descending from the ceiling, surrounding the massive, spidery form of Niralahoth. It rose its skeletal arms upwards, as if it were Zeus calling down lightning. In the sudden brightness, I saw the fiery form of snakes slithering and centipedes skittering forwards in that tornado, each massive creature sculpted from flames in the spinning cyclone of energy. Niralahoth reached into the tornado of fire with its sharp points of fingers and plucked something small from it. The fire instantly dissipated. In its hand, I saw a tiny, swirling orb that looked like it contained a firestorm within it.
“The nightmare seed,” Niralahoth gurgled as it skittered forward towards me. I could only stare, open-mouthed and starving. I hadn’t slept for days, it felt like, and everything seemed slow and unreal.
In a blur, its skeletal arm shot out and forced the orb into my mouth. Despite the fire raging within it, it felt freezing cold. As it touched my tongue, it gave off a sensation like frostbite all throughout my mouth. I screamed and tried spitting it out, but it seemed to have a mind of its own. It started liquifying, dripping down my throat.
I felt something cancerous and sick spreading throughout my body, radiating out from my heart and stomach to every inch of it. I tried to scream, but it caught behind my teeth. I fell to my knees, clawing at my face as that insane, alien laugh continued resounding all down the tunnel. I fell unconscious and woke up under a beautiful sky in the fields of Graysole Farms.
***
Soon after, I realized that my life would never be the same. Everywhere I went, I could hear the wailing voice of Niralahoth. Behind the trees, I always saw skittering shadows, creatures with long, spidery legs that stalked me every day and night. I slept with every light in the house turned on, yet when I woke up, they would all be shut off, and I would find myself in darkness, next to something in the bed with far too many legs and a face that dripped like burning wax.
I sold everything I owned and tried to move far away, to give as much distance between myself and those cursed caverns as I could, but the nightmares followed me like a shadow. I realize what a fool I was in those ephemeral moments of madness. Sonia was much wiser than myself; I should have killed myself or died rather than allowing that thing inside of me.
Even now, I can feel it creeping through my heart, spreading through my blood. I feel it trying to crawl its way out of my throat, the thin, black legs peeking out at the back of my esophagus.
I only hope that, when I finally jump and feel my bones shatter against the concrete far below, I will kill whatever is inside of me. For I fear the consequences for the world if it were to escape.

I sit alone in my room on the seventh floor, writing what will surely be my last will and testament. The heroin which allowed me to forget and to sleep for the last couple of years has lost its power to keep the screaming terrors away. The drug destroyed my body and mind, gradually eating away at them like a corrosive acid. Now I have become a slave to it. And yet, without it, I do not sleep for weeks, but instead continuously see the scenes from that terrible night running through my head on repeat as worsening waves of madness crash on the shores of my consciousness.
In the caverns under the town of Frost Hollow, I found the meaning of true madness. Ever since I escaped that den of horrors, it is difficult to tell what is real and what is only the feverish delirium of an unhinged mind.
Even now, they wait behind the door to this cheap, bare rented room. They drag their claws over the wood. I hear them hissing in that strange, ancient tongue, the one I first heard in the tombs of rock that had been undisturbed for countless millennia.
***
I had first heard rumors of an unexplored cavern from my friend, an experienced caver named Sonia who had explored caverns all over the world. I had been looking for some excitement in my life, some break from the constant monotony and boredom of simply working and sleeping. I had gone caving quite a few times over the year leading up to the trip, but I was not nearly as experienced and had never explored a supposedly virgin passageway of cavern before.
“How do you know no one’s gone down there?” I asked, curious. We sat across from each other at a local diner, getting some early breakfast before our planned descent. The sunrise was still another half-hour away, the sky flat and dark. We would be joined by Sonia’s husband, Phil, who would meet us there shortly after sunrise. I repressed an urge to yawn, chugging half of the steaming hot coffee in one long swallow. Sonia leaned close to me, her nearly colorless blue eyes reminding me of chunks of ice floating down a muddy stream.
“Phil’s friend just found it randomly,” she whispered before glancing around conspiratorially, as if she feared someone would care enough to eavesdrop on a conversation about a cave. “Well, it’s in the middle of a farm, and Phil’s friend, Jack Graysole, owns the entire property and surrounding woods. Jack says he noticed the cows kept going over to a certain spot in the field when it got really hot during the summertime. They would all gather around this little indentation in the grass. After seeing it a few times, Jack got curious and went to investigate what the cows were doing.
“He found a small hole in the ground, almost entirely covered by weeds and grass. He said he felt a cool breeze constantly blowing out of the hole, a breeze that smelled like burning matches and charred metal. After bringing out some shovels and digging down a couple feet, Jack realized that the hole wasn’t a hole at all, but the beginning of a steep passageway leading deep into the bowels of the earth.”
***
The owner of the land decided to unofficially call the newly-discovered cavern Graysole Caverns. Out of respect for him, this is also the name we all used. This is the story of how I found myself in the bowels of a strange subterranean tunnel, a tunnel where creatures beyond my comprehension slunk and hunted, skittering monstrosities who would be more at home in a nightmare.
After grabbing a couple coffees to take with us, Sonia drove over to Graysole Farms. Cows stood out in the grassy fields, huddled in tight circles as they repetitively chewed. The thin silhouette of Jack Graysole waited for us next to the herd. He had a face like a raisin, I thought to myself. I watched his thin, shaking body standing in the middle of an overgrown grassy field. Jack stared down blankly at something only he could see. Sonia and I started unloading some equipment from the car while we waited for Phil.
Once we had the backpacks loaded with some simple supplies, such as water, food, headlamps, rope, a couple extra batteries, some buck knives, and radios, we headed over to accompany Jack. We weren’t taking much, as we didn’t really expect to be down there for more than six or seven hours at the most.
Jack Graysole’s withered old face was as slack and expressionless as that of a corpse. He stared down at the ground as if he were in a trance, waving back and forth slowly on his feet like a plant in a light breeze.
“Jack?” Sonia called out as we approached. I could hear the man’s teeth chattering as we got nearer.
“Hey, what are you doing over here this early? You interested in accompanying us down there?” Sonia joked. But Jack might as well have been totally deaf for all the reaction he gave. Sonia glanced over at me with an anxious expression. I wondered if the old man was having a stroke.
I quickly walked over to where he stood, staring down at a black circular hole about three feet across directly in front of his feet. The entrance to Graysole Caverns stared up at us like a sightless pupil. As I drew within a few feet of Jack and looked straight into his blank eyes, I noticed something alarming.
His pupils were quickly dilating and constricting before my eyes. They would shrink to tiny pinpoints, then, a couple seconds later, rapidly expand until they became dark and serious. I could see his thready, rapid heartbeat pulsating in a vein on the side of his temple. Alarmed, I reached forward and put my hand on his shoulder.
Instantly, he came to life, like a man waking up from a nightmare. Shrieking, he looked at me with fully dilated pupils, reminding me of a panicked deer surrounded by wolves. His quavering old man’s voice shook with ineffable existential horror and mortal fear.
He took a step back away from us, seeming to realize where he was and what he was doing. He looked around, confused, then straight at me and Sonia. His eyes focused with anger and fear, as if we were demons here to drag him down to Hell. His eyes flicked back and forth between us constantly. Jack raised a trembling hand and pointed it straight at my heart.
“It’s you,” he said, his voice dropping to a harsh whisper. His teeth chattered despite the warm spring air. His skin looked deathly pale. “You’re the one who will bring an end to humanity, who will release the ruler of nightmares upon us.” He continued to point accusingly for a long moment at me, his face turning chalk-white. Then his eyes rolled up in his head. Slowly, he stumbled and fell backwards onto the soft grass of the field.
“Jack!” Sonia cried, running over to the old man. Jack’s breaths had started to come in slow, drawn-out gurgles, like a man with a slit throat trying to breathe. Frothy blood bubbled from his lips as they turned blue. Staring up at the endless expanse of cloudless sky, he exhaled one last shuddering breath and died.
***
Phil showed up only a couple minutes later. He found me and Sonia in a state of utter panic, both of us bent double over the still body of Jack. Sonia was on the phone with 911, and I was trying to give Jack chest compressions. The way his fingernails and lips shone with that cyanotic blue cast made me feel sick and weak. I knew it was futile, that I was simply playing with a corpse at this point, but I didn’t know what else to do. I felt if I didn’t do something, I might explode.
I heard the faint wailing of sirens approaching as Sonia’s panicked voice continued babbling to the 911 operator. Phil stood by her side, his tall, dark features searching and lost.
“Oh God, I think he’s dead!” Sonia cried over and over to the operator, as if she thought the operator could do anything about it. I didn’t hear what the operator said in response. As the ambulance pulled in, I gave up on chest compressions. I stood up and took a step back, looking sadly down on the kindly old man’s dead body.
The paramedics ran over. Phil, Sonia and I stood back while they worked on the corpse, trying to shock the heart back into life. But Jack’s open eyes stayed glazed as they stared sightlessly up into eternity.
***
The paramedics left. A couple police officers stayed behind to ask us a few routine questions. Eventually, after an hour or so, they left, too.
“What a fucked-up day,” Phil said, shaking his head grimly. “Do you guys still want to do this? Maybe it’s an omen from God telling us to go home.” Sonia and I exchanged a glance, then we both nodded at the same time.
“Definitely,” she said. “It’s sad what happened to Jack, but realistically, we don’t know what’s going to happen to this property now that he’s passed away. It might get sold or taken by the bank for all we know. This could be our one and only chance to explore this cave.”
“I don’t believe in omens. I’m still down,” I said, feeling slightly sick from the experience. I still remembered how Jack’s body had cracked under the weight of my chest compressions, how his ribs had snapped like bones shattering in greedy hands. “We’ll do it in memory of Jack. I plan to put this up on YouTube.” I pulled my GoPro out of my bag, turning it on. Phil groaned at that.
“Do we have any idea how far down this cave goes?” Phil asked. I felt a sense of relief now that the topic had changed from the death of the old man.
“I sent a little camera down on a rope, but it only went about a hundred feet,” Sonia responded. “It’s pretty steep at first, then it levels out. I couldn’t really see much after it leveled out, but it looks like it should be easy to climb down. There’s plenty of handholds, lots of jutting rocks.”
Phil put on his headlamp and small pack. As he crawled down into the hole, his tanned face looked up at us and gave us one last devilish grin. Once he had gone down a few dozen feet, Sonia started descending. She looked excited and happy. I noticed how she couldn’t stop smiling as she disappeared from view.
I watched their lights grow smaller and dimmer in the circular tunnel. I marveled at how perfectly circular the entrance was. It almost didn’t even look natural.
Taking a deep breath in, I followed my friends down into the dark.
***
“This isn’t too bad,” I said as I climbed down. The jutting rocks gave plenty of handholds and footholds for us. It wasn’t so tight that it felt like a coffin, either.
“It only gets easier from here!” Sonia called up.
“How do you know?” I asked. “You said you’ve never been here before.” She laughed.
“I know. Probably just wishful thinking,” she said. Far below us, Phil’s voice drifted up, faint and weak. He had already reached the bottom.
“The tunnel really opens up down here, guys,” he called. “It’s somewhat… bizarre, though.”
“What do you mean by that?” Sonia asked. I looked down, seeing Sonia and I would reach the bottom in seconds. “Forget it, I’ll let it be a surprise.” I heard her drop down. Slowly and carefully, I lowered myself down the last few feet. There was a short fall onto a smooth granite floor. I looked up, seeing what Phil and Sonia were so mesmerized by.
“Oh, wow,” I said, speechless. I blinked rapidly, wondering if the image would clear like a mirage. The tunnel was cut into a perfectly triangular shape, each side about seven feet long. The ceiling met in a point above our heads.
All along the smooth walls of gray rock, I saw thousands of black orbs peeking out. They looked similar to obsidian, but they were perfectly smooth and circular, each about the size of an orange. They were formed into interlocking diagonal patterns and followed the tunnel straight down as far as the eye could see.
“What is this place?” Sonia asked, taking a tentative step forward. I looked up, seeing the distant pinpoint of sunlight far above our heads. Our voices continued to echo off down the massive tunnels, disappearing in eerie waves into the thick curtain of shadows.
“Are you recording all this?” Phil asked me. I laughed, giddy.
“Of course! This is internet gold right here,” I said. “No one’s going to believe that this isn’t man-made, however. I can’t even believe it. Do you think Jack was playing a joke on us or something?”
“Jack had the sense of humor of a wet paper towel,” Phil whispered, shaking his head. “No, he wouldn’t do something like this.”
“Well, let’s go check it out,” Sonia said, taking a step forward. Her headlamp bobbed up and down rapidly, throwing dancing shadows through the triangular tunnel. It continued straight ahead, without the slightest deviation or curve, disappearing off into a dark point in the distance.
***
We walked as fast as we could, excited to see where, if anywhere, the strange tunnel led. Phil, always the conspiracy theorist, babbled excitedly.
“This has to be aliens, man,” he said, running his fingers through his dark hair. “I bet that scientists will find out this shit is millions of years old when we get back up and tell everyone. Maybe aliens came to earth in ancient times and made a bunch of stuff underground.” Gradually, as we walked, I noticed the tunnel opening up. The pointed triangular ceiling rose up higher above our heads and the walls moved outwards, as if we were walking up a triangular funnel. At first, it was so subtle that I didn’t believe it when Sonia pointed it out.
“No, look,” she said, raising her hand above her head. “When we first started down this weird tunnel, my fingers were only maybe a foot away from the top. Now it’s a couple feet.” I was about to respond when our headlamps illuminated something standing in the middle of the tunnel.
“What the fuck is that?” I whispered, stopping cold in my tracks. Phil and Sonia looked up at the abomination at the same time. Its back was to us. It stood nearly as tall as the tunnel, which was now about twenty feet high.
The bottom half looked black and spidery with dozens of long, jointed legs. A bloody, white spine rose out of the mass of legs. Inhumanly long, skeletal arms stretched out in front of it. Its face was pointed away from us, but the back of its head resembled an enormous pointed skull with deep fissures like the cracks of an earthquake running through the bone. The abomination stayed as still as a statue, and for a long moment, I wondered if we were looking at some macabre work of art.
Then, suddenly, one of its insectile legs twitched. A moment later, the other legs started jerking and twisting. There was a sound like bones shattering as it rose up to its full height, turning around to face us.
Its face was like something from a nightmare, melting and reforming constantly like dripping candle wax. I would see a black eye appear on its forehead, then a grinning mouth on its chin, then the features would get sucked back into the folds of melting flesh. After a few moments, two enormous eyes appeared on its face, dark and cold like craters on the surface of the Moon. The mouths and noses disappeared back into the dripping skin, and only the two lidless eyes remained, emanating a cold, reptilian consciousness beyond the ability of my mind to comprehend. I felt terror radiating from its body like freezing waves.
“Free me,” it cried in a gurgling voice that seethed with insanity. It had a shrieking, metallic ringing behind every word that gave it an alien quality. “Free me, and I will give you the waters of eternal life. Within me, I contain the seeds of immortality. Within the nightmares, we live forever, always together, never alone.”
“Who are you?” I asked, terrified. The black reptilian skin of the enormous beast glistened as it knelt down, its massive face drawing near to mine. A sideways mouth burst out of the liquified flesh, showing hundreds of fangs growing like tumors from its white, bloodless gums. The fangs varied in size from only a couple inches to long, sword-like projections that stabbed into the creature’s flesh, causing white blood glittering with rainbows to fall like raindrops all around me.
“I have many names,” it hissed, its thousand voices rising and falling in crashing waves of sound. “I was present at the beginning, when this planet was no more than dead cliffs and endless freezing oceans. Those holy ones who search for us, the ancient ones, call me Niralahoth.”
“How do we free you?” Phil asked, looking terrified. He held Sonia’s hand tightly.
“By letting me into your mind and body,” Niralahoth cried, shaking the cavern. “I was thrown down here, cursed and forgotten. I cannot leave this place of shadows within this body. But in the body of another, my consciousness can be free, and the seeds of new life can spread beyond this prison.”
“There’s no way anyone’s going to do that,” I said, my eyes widening as Niralahoth’s reptilian skull turned towards me in fury. “I mean, you’re asking one of us to give up our individuality, our lives, right?”
“I am asking you to become one with me and gain power undreamt of by mortals,” it cried. “I have within me the fountain of life, the waters that send death away screaming.” I glanced anxiously at Phil and Sonia, wondering if we would have to run.
“The answer is no,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, we can’t do that,” Phil said, backing me up. “But, anyways, I think our trip has ended. It’s time to turn around…”
“You will never return,” Niralahoth cried, skittering away from us. “If you will not accept salvation, then you must accept death.” Within seconds, it slunk away from us, backpedaling on its many skittering legs into the shadows.
***
All around us, a rumbling started.
There was a pounding that crashed through the rock tunnel, as if an insane blacksmith were hammering on a massive anvil. The ringing of crashing rock started off slowly, with a few stones smashing down around us with heavy blasts of sound. Within seconds, the cacophony sped up, rising into a constant stream of destruction. The black orbs were spinning in place all up and down the tunnel, their glossy obsidian surfaces flashing with sparks of blue light.
“It’s collapsing!” Phil cried, running back in the direction we came, holding Sonia’s hand as she tried to keep up with him. I could only stare for a long moment, not sure what to do. It seemed that the direction Phil was heading stood closer to total collapse.
“Wait!” I cried, but my voice was drowned out in the destruction all around us. I felt a rock smash into my shoulder, sending me down to my feet. I heard Phil give a scream of pain, then another stone came down and smashed into my forehead. I remember seeing everything spinning around me as the world went black.
***
I awoke to find my headlamp still shining straight up in the dusty tunnel. Large chunks of the tunnel had slid out of place and crashed to the stone floor. The granite chunks that had fallen looked unnaturally smooth, most of them in the shapes of cylinders or cubes and varying in size from that of an egg to that of a small car.
My head throbbed. It felt as if a tight belt of fire were wrapped around my temples. Groaning, I put my fingers up to my forehead. They came away slick with blood.
Slowly, I started pushing myself up on my feet. I was relieved that nothing seemed broken. I had a deep gash running from the center of my scalp down to my left temple and some shallower cuts on my shoulders and back, but I knew none of that was life-threatening.
“Sonia?” I whispered, my voice coming out weak and strained. I reached into my pack and found a bottle of water. I chugged it quickly in one long swallow.
“Phil?” I cried again, this time stronger. I heard a soft weeping nearby. Staggering, I followed the sound.
Sonia was bloody and covered in cuts and scrapes, sitting next to Phil’s prone form. I saw Phil’s right arm pinned under a massive slab of granite. His arm disappeared from the elbow down in a spreading puddle of thick, dark blood.
“Oh God, Max, I think he’s hurt really bad,” she wept. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly in his head, his face pale and bloodless. I looked down the way we had come, seeing the entire tunnel blocked by large slabs of stone, many with strange, black orbs peeking out like the lenses of cameras.
***
I don’t know how much time passed. My phone died after a day, and then we were counting the endless darkness in breaths and tears.
Phil swam in and out of consciousness as his arm putrefied and blackened around the crush site. After a couple days, Sonia and I agreed that something had to be done. We told Phil we would need to amputate his arm. He was half-delirious, but he came back long enough to understand us and nod weakly.
We made a fire with Phil’s pack, trying to find fuel to throw in it to get it roaring. As it grew, I saw one of the black orbs near the flames abruptly ignite, as if it had been covered in gasoline. Blue, almost colorless flames rose from its surface. We started throwing the small black orbs on the fire until it rose high in the air. I sanitized the buck knife with the flames and pulled a rope tourniquet tight around Phil’s arm. He was conscious but seemingly insane, talking to himself more than anyone else.
“How are we going to get the car started without a key?” he gurgled to someone only he could see. “We need to look around. It has to be here somewhere.”
“Phil, can you hear me, bud? We need to fix your arm. We need to get you out of this mess. OK?” I said as comfortingly as I could. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly, but they didn’t meet my own. I sighed and looked over at Sonia.
“Let’s do it,” I said, giving a grim nod.
I pulled the buck knife out, slicing quickly down through the flesh next to the tourniquet. His veins throbbed like fat worms as the blackened, necrotic skin split easily under the blade, releasing a rancid-smelling gas that hissed out of the wound.
I couldn’t believe how hard it was to slice all the way through the arm. It felt like I was stuck in that hellish task forever. Phil’s eyes rolled in his head as his skin turned the color of clotted milk.
“God, Jesus, make it stop,” Phil whispered over and over, exhaling ragged, pain-filled breaths. The blood spurted from the blackened, dying tissue all over the dust-covered cavern floor, covering my hands in its warm, slick embrace.
After what was probably only three or four minutes, but felt like hours, I had sliced all the way down to the bone. The infected tissue of his arm spurted great gouts of orange pus mixed with rivulets of blood. The hard part was over.
Standing up, I took my steel-toe sneaker and stomped down on his arm as hard as I could. Phil cried out in a powerful voice, as if all the agony and suffering in the world was contained in that one shriek. The bone snapped under my weight with a sound like a tree branch cracking. A moment later, Phil rolled away from the rock that had pinned me in place for so long. Something alien and spongy was shoved into my face, a mass of destroyed red tissue pulsating in time with a runaway heartbeat. At first, shell-shocked and revolted, my mind couldn’t comprehend that I was looking at the stump of Phil’s mutilated arm. I hardened my heart and forced the giddiness and madness to the back of my mind. The time had come to cauterize the wound.
“Sonia, give it to me,” I said with a tremor in my voice. I reached out a hand towards her, a hand stained with Phil’s blood. It looked as if I were wearing a wet, crimson glove. Sonia only stared blankly at me for a long moment, however. A surge of anger ran up my chest.
“Sonia, toughen the fuck up! He’s going to die if you just sit there!” I swore at her, hearing my deep, angry voice bounce around the caverns. Sonia pulled back, as if she were struck. Inwardly, I cursed having a woman as my only able-bodied companion in this situation. She was a competent enough caver, but what would happen if violence and blood came over us? What would happen if, or more realistically when, we needed to fight?
Grimly, Sonia leaned forward and yanked the burning black orb out of the roaring fire, handing it to me on the end of a buck knife that had just barely pierced its hard, strange exterior. The handle of the knife felt coarse and splintery under my filthy skin. I put it to the spongy stump of Phil’s arm. The stump twitched violently. Phil tried to pull away as black smoke rose from the burning flesh.
There was a smell like bacon sizzling. The searing meat of Phil’s arm blackened and crisped under the heat of the orb, which had become no more than a cylinder of glowing blue embers by this point. I felt simultaneously sick and giddy. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or vomit. I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of madness, that the stress and insanity of the experience had started to shatter my mind.
His eyes rolled back in his head and he appeared to go into a seizure for a few seconds. With a long exhalation of breath, he finally, mercifully, lost consciousness. It’s hard to admit it, even this close to the end, but a small, sick piece of me was jealous of Phil. Most likely, he would be dead soon, maybe within hours, while Sonia and I would slowly starve and dehydrate like animals over a period of weeks. I looked at her lithe body and soft skin, seeing the feminine curves of her hips and chest. She was a beautiful woman. I knew Phil to be a lucky man. At least, before this trip, he was.
I watched her body, wondering if I had what it took to eat her or Phil if I had to. Did I have an iron heart that would allow me to slice into my friends and consume their raw, cold flesh? Perhaps, by that point, it would be hunger and madness driving me forward, and I wouldn’t even hesitate. I shuddered at the very thought.
***
I fell asleep that night, having strange dreams of massive gods with melting faces sitting in judgment in a circle around me. We had very little food or water left. No one knew we were down here. Rescue was not coming.
When I awoke, I found myself alone. Phil had died from his injuries while I slept, the black streaks of septic shock spreading up his arm towards his heart. His eyes stared sightlessly up at the rock ceiling.
“Sonia?” I called out, my heart racing as I sat up. “Where are you?” My headlamp was growing dim. I looked in my pack, realizing I was on the last of my batteries. I saw a silhouette walking out of the darkness, the thin, pale form of Sonia. She was trembling badly.
“I saw them,” she said. “Niralahoth and its priests. The priests aren’t human. They look reptilian with sideways mouths and too many eyes.” She shuddered.
“Why would you do that?” I asked. Her eyes grew distant.
“You know we’re not getting out of here alive,” she said. “Not on our own. I wanted to see what it offered. It says that if we take a piece of its nightmare into us, we will gain the power to leave this place, that it simply wants to see the surface and spread its nightmares there.” I shook my head.
“Insanity,” I muttered. “We’d be better off dead.” Sonia nodded.
“My thoughts exactly,” she responded grimly. I didn’t realize what she meant until the next day, when I woke up and found her hanging next to Phil’s body, her tongue swollen and blue as it poked out of her cyanotic lips. And then I was truly alone.
***
Soon after Sonia committed suicide, the last of the batteries for the headlamp died. I had run out of food and had only a small sip of water left. I don’t know how much time passed in the darkness, starving and raving, following the tunnel by running my hands over the walls. I heard many things skittering in the darkness, and a few times, I heard the demonic voice of Niralahoth as it split and distorted.
“You are on death’s door,” it hissed. “Will you not drink from the fountain of life?” I couldn’t tell where the voice came from in the maddening blackness. It seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. I had lost nearly all of my sanity in that pit of shadows by this point. I tried laughing constantly to keep my spirits up, and when that failed, I simply cried.
“I’ll do it,” I wailed. “I’ll do it. Just let me see the sky again. Get me out of here, Niralahoth.” Everything went deathly silent all around me, then a laugh rang out like the grinding of glass.
In front of me, I saw a tornado of fire descending from the ceiling, surrounding the massive, spidery form of Niralahoth. It rose its skeletal arms upwards, as if it were Zeus calling down lightning. In the sudden brightness, I saw the fiery form of snakes slithering and centipedes skittering forwards in that tornado, each massive creature sculpted from flames in the spinning cyclone of energy. Niralahoth reached into the tornado of fire with its sharp points of fingers and plucked something small from it. The fire instantly dissipated. In its hand, I saw a tiny, swirling orb that looked like it contained a firestorm within it.
“The nightmare seed,” Niralahoth gurgled as it skittered forward towards me. I could only stare, open-mouthed and starving. I hadn’t slept for days, it felt like, and everything seemed slow and unreal.
In a blur, its skeletal arm shot out and forced the orb into my mouth. Despite the fire raging within it, it felt freezing cold. As it touched my tongue, it gave off a sensation like frostbite all throughout my mouth. I screamed and tried spitting it out, but it seemed to have a mind of its own. It started liquifying, dripping down my throat.
I felt something cancerous and sick spreading throughout my body, radiating out from my heart and stomach to every inch of it. I tried to scream, but it caught behind my teeth. I fell to my knees, clawing at my face as that insane, alien laugh continued resounding all down the tunnel. I fell unconscious and woke up under a beautiful sky in the fields of Graysole Farms.
***
Soon after, I realized that my life would never be the same. Everywhere I went, I could hear the wailing voice of Niralahoth. Behind the trees, I always saw skittering shadows, creatures with long, spidery legs that stalked me every day and night. I slept with every light in the house turned on, yet when I woke up, they would all be shut off, and I would find myself in darkness, next to something in the bed with far too many legs and a face that dripped like burning wax.
I sold everything I owned and tried to move far away, to give as much distance between myself and those cursed caverns as I could, but the nightmares followed me like a shadow. I realize what a fool I was in those ephemeral moments of madness. Sonia was much wiser than myself; I should have killed myself or died rather than allowing that thing inside of me.
Even now, I can feel it creeping through my heart, spreading through my blood. I feel it trying to crawl its way out of my throat, the thin, black legs peeking out at the back of my esophagus.
I only hope that, when I finally jump and feel my bones shatter against the concrete far below, I will kill whatever is inside of me. For I fear the consequences for the world if it were to escape.