Happy poems about being single

Angry Upvote

2019.06.25 15:40 Angry Upvote

Angry upvote: the feeling of a particularly bad dad joke.
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2010.02.20 18:34 dnlslm9 Singles: Advice and Support

This is a support sub for single adults. This is not a dating, hookup or porn sub. Accounts, posts and comments in this community have very specific requirements. Make sure you read the rules before you post.
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2010.05.27 21:39 amouravski Marine Biology Subreddit

This is a community to share and promote marine biology research and education.
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2024.05.19 16:30 Gold_Hovercraft4179 Is there any hope for me

Am starting of by saying that this might turn out a rant but I wld suggest you please read it
Where do I even start by writing this idk cuz am filled with pain right now.
I have a very abusive family. Straight up narcissistic parents. Drunkard father who almost everyday beats and talks shit to my mother. My room is quite close to theirs so it's nearly I possible for me to not hear their rant. Father always speaks shit and is always vulgar to me This is not something new to me. For information I (15M) currently passed my 10th and got pretty good grades (according to me). All this shirt has been going around from the time I was ig 2-3 yrs old. From the time I was a kid I had always been put as the reason for everything. Listening to my mother saying that, 'you shouldn't have been born' is also quite usual. I seldom try to listen to whatever they spit bout me but things haven't been such good now. I just want leave all this place and run away. Call me the God's favourite child, not good at a thing, learnt a lot of skill but never got any appreciation for anything in my life. Am drowning to the point where if any bad thing happens to me I don't even feel bad or cry about it cause, not a single good thing has happened in my life.
My parents have deliberately chosen for me to study through allen digital while I wanted to go to an offline coaching. I do have good devices like a laptop, tablet but this was not what I wanted to do. I have been struggling to study with their shouting always in my ears. Even though I got 89.8% in boards they are not happy with it and called me a disgust. Like how to am I supposed to study they were even fighting when my boards were there. Always throws the food on the floor and I have to daily clean up the mess. Fight for my mothers side so that he can stop arguing with him. And what I get for all this? He yells at me saying, "tujhe to mai sadak pe bheekh mangwaunga".Translation: "I'll make you beg in the streets".
I just wanted someone to love and take care of me. I liked talking to a girl and was kinda interested in her but she just replied with dry texts but oh boy rather did I know what was supposed to happen. Was going puberty so sent very cringe texts and posts to her which I am embarrassed of now. Later I found out that all my texts were leaked to her friend group as her situationship had been texting me the times when she was not around and had access to her insta. I felt so bad that I deleted my insta and snap accounts.
Cherry on top I was sexually assaulted when I was 4-5 as someone friend of my father used to make me Suck his Dick and Lick his ass. This trauma isn't leaving from my head cuz there are only blurry images of what he used to do to me. (I was too young to understand and haven't told this to my parents yet)
Am lost completely as he's even ruining my summer vacations and I got to study for jee too( I want to have a career in astronomy ). I seriously don't know what to do with my life. I can't even kill myself as it's super lame and my momma's gonna be sad. If anyone's got any help and hopium for me please share. Am writing this with eyes full of tears.
Also thanks for listening to my rantšŸ«¶. Hoping for a good life for y'all
submitted by Gold_Hovercraft4179 to AskIndia [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 16:29 Uniquely-Me-00 I think my marriage might be over

I've (38F) been married to my husband (41M) for 8 years and we were together 2 years before marriage, so 10 years total.
The way our relationship started, we didn't have the courtship, or traditional dating and really getting to know the other person. I would soak up all the information I could about him, but it was usually one-sided that way. I fell in love with him and he was my healthiest relationship since I had two previously toxic relationships prior. Not sure it matters but I was single for a little over a year in my between my last toxic relationship and then starting to hang out with my now husband. In that year of me being single, I had to get back to figuring out who I was. I even had to learn to have a real laugh again. I know that may sound crazy, but I was always on pins and needles that my laugh became forced and fake, so I didn't know what my real laugh sounded like anymore. It became unrecognizable to me.
Even before I married husband, I knew his communication was lackluster at best. The way he grew up they didn't talk and communicate their feelings, but I genuinely thought this would improve over time and he was still the best guy I knew and have ever been with. I just don't think I realized how much the communication part was going to cause various issues down the line.
I try and communicate how I feel, what I want or need, and nothing seems to get better. Because of this, I've become more and more shut down and a former shell of myself. I always go back to his the best guy I've ever been with and I know he loves me, so I let it go.
We've talked about marriage counseling before, and after some original shutting down of the idea and then miscommunication on his end, he said we could. Honestly, I never looked into because of his original response to it, so when he finally said of course we could, I felt emotionally whiplashed I said to myself if it was important to him, even if just to make me happy, then he could look into it since I take care of everything else for everyone else. He does cook, take out the trash and cut the grass, but I kind of do everything else. Needless to say, no therapy and that was mentioned a year ago and then a year or two before that.
He doesn't cheat. I know that, but I don't feel important, special, cared for, loved, valued, or any of the things I think most people want to feel from their partner. I use to feel like we were best friends and lovers, and now I don't feel like we are either of those things.
I really just needed to vent and see if I'm expecting too much. If this is normal or not. What steps I should take or what steps we should take. I just feel so lost and empty. The one person who use to make my day has now become more like a roommate than anything.
I know I probably said too much about some stuff and not even about others, but I'm crying upstairs by myself as I type this. My mind is all over the place and it's my first time posting, so I apologize if I'm not doing this right.
submitted by Uniquely-Me-00 to Advice [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 16:25 Advanced-Ad-1201 My (29M) fiace (25F) left me due to my overreaction when finding out she was pregnant with our child. Can i ever regain herr trust?

Hey people,
I have a tough situation that i'm going through right now and i could use some advice to see if things can be mended or if this is not possible. This is going to be a very long one, my apologies....Even with all this, it does not contain half of the whole story. (sorry for the spelling errors, English is not my frist language)
Short background: i live in Europe and she lives in the U.S. we were planning on moving in together in my country due to family/friend issues that she had in the U.S. and after being here she found that my country felt more like home than her home. We were set to get married this year and had everything planned out. She would take her 3 dogs and her cat with her, work or study here and we would settle here. It would be a little bit of a tough start, but we would figure it out. We both had a little worry for our finances but it would be okay eventually.
pregnancy and panick: In late january of this year we found out that my then fiance was pregnant with our child. At that time i panicked over it because of the situation we were in at the time. In short, neither of us owned a house, i did not own a car, she had substantial debt to pay off, there would be 4 pets, a wife and now also a child under my responsibility and it scared the shit out of me. I'm absolutely not proud of what i did and ashamed of my behavior, but what i proceeded to do over the span of a whole weekend was the following: ask if she would be willing to go for an abortion multiple times, drink a bottle of wine and get intoxicated, buy a pack of sigarettes (i don't smoke), and basically just act inconsiderate and like a total ass.
After the weekend where i had my tantrum, i head her cry over the phone and it woke me up from my stupid behavior and i realized (too late) that i royally screwed up. I apologized for it and we talked about how angry she was and rightfully so. In that moment, again, i started to do things i shouldn't have done by: continuesly try to talk about it, fix it, and not give her space where she needed space. All i did was say "sorry sorry sorry please forgive me, sorry sorry sorry". That again, is not the way to go about it. She did ask me to fly to the u.s. to talk face to face so i booked plane tickets that same day for the next week. After 3/4 more days of that i pulled myself together (again...too late) and sent her a message stating that i know what i have done and been doing is wrong and i have a lot of difficulty not trying to fix it because i knew i messed up and hurt her and from that day i would just leave her be and not talk. Finally giving her the space she needs from me.
Anger and breakup: After all of the above in the weekend that followed, she called me and said that she had an amazing time together, but she did not see a future with me at this time. We had a long phone call about it and se said that if i were to come over to the U.S. for that week, that would be up to me but that is where she stands. So that is what i did, i came over to the U.S. and she said that we will spend this week getting to "re-know" eachother. She did say that we were still in a relationship and still engaged...which i found odd to hear but i was happy about it nonetheless. In this week i made sure to take a moment every day to sit her down somewhere and simply take a moment to apologize for my behvior and that i am incredibly sorry for what i have done. We went out to dinner a few times and just talked about everything. Though in the end it led to the same result, she did not see a future with me. I had tried a last time to have a conversation about it, but she gave me back the engagement ring and said no. Hurt by this, i went out for a long walk and just breathed and accepted that i screwed it up and went back to her saying that she is right, i will give her the space she asks for and let her go. She became angry and sad over this and said that she had just went through the fase of dealing with the breakup and now i am making her do that all over again, she started packing up all my gifts and gave it back to me. I did not understand that and am still a little confused about it. The day after, i had my flight back home and she dropped me off at the airport. she said that "despite how it looks, she still loves me" to which i said that i love her too. We hugged and siad goodbye and i left.
Back home week 1: In the first week, she had told me that i could call her 20 times a day and she would still pick up her phone. We can talk to eachother and we still love eachother and want the best for eachother. She kept me updated about the child and i was happy to simply talk to her and hear her say that she loves me. She had planned to talk to a pastor from her church which did couples counseling and wanted to first do this by herself and then together with me (over skype or zoom etc.). She gave me a book called "how to be the love you seek" and said i could listen to it on her spotify because that is exactly how she identifies and she relates a lot to this book, so i started to give it a listen and took notes of everything i thought was important. We made a plan t odiscuss teh book together over the phone soon and go over the notes that i made. We were broken up but there was hope.
week 2/3: I tried not to text her too often anymore and said that i am available at any time should she need me and will give her the space she asked for by not constantly texting. After a few days she was becoming more agitated and short in her responses. My words were often twisted in to something negative and they constantly made her angry. I didn't understand what was going on, but i thought she was angry and just wanted me to know. We had planned a phone call to discuss the book one weekend and the phone call started off by her telling me "i asked for space and it's not being respected". We taked about everything for a moment and then ended it where i told her that i love her and she said "good to hear". She said that she didn't want to say anything she didn't mean. After a week we texted a few times a day, but barely anything, just a good morning, baby update, and goodnight. I would check in on how she was doing, and that is it. I didn't know what to do or say anymore because for some reason everything was mkaing her angry regardless of what i say, and so i tried not to text her unless she texts me.
week 4 end of conversation: In the first week of march, she had her appointment with her pastor, where she would talk about us, but as she said "not in theway that i think she was going to talk about us". After the conversation she wanted to discuss it with me. though the day she had the conversation she texted me and said "i do not feel ready for a conversation, i will let you know when i am." and she asked me to make bulletpoints for the conversation. I was also not allowed to speak to her cousin anymore as she was trying to be a "middleman" for the both of us, but my ex wanted to have all the conversations between the two of us. i told her that i will do that, and i told her i also started therapy. Yet that was the last thing i have heard from her untill 2 months later.
2 monts of silence and my letters: Whle not speaking to her for 2 months I had been going to therapy twice a week and sought help for why i reacted the way that i did. I had time to reflect and started to slowly piece together a better mindset. I had noticed in the mean time that she had deleted me from social media and deleted some of the piutres she had of us. then later on deleted everything and started selling her engagement dress and date dresses she had bought and finally blocked me from social media entirely.
Late april, i thought it would be a good idea to send her a letter instead of a text. i had written page after page where i had written down the many things that i did wrong and how much shame i feel for it. In the end i realized that i was simply doing too much again and i decided to send her an envelope with 2 letters. 1 containing the many letters combined, and 1 containing a single letter that simply said (summarized) "i am sorry, i will be there for you whenever you need me, you don't have to do life on your own". She did not react to it and 2 weeks later i sent her a text asking how she was doing and if she recieved the letters. she responded by saying she did and she has been sitting with the content they contained. I offered that if there is anything she needs, she can let me know and she said "i am torn between wanting to just update you on everything but a bigger part of me is still hurt and trust entirely broken". I told her she can take all the time she needs, there's no need to pressure anything, and i will just be here if she needs anything.
She said what i can do to help is this: Be respectul, respect her boundaries, respect her wishes, and financial support. I said i can do all of that, though due to circumstances (i bought a house and a car) money is tight right now and i can't do anything right now at this moment. She said that confused her, she had no words for it and it was a good idea to stop the conversation for the day and she will let me know when she is ready to talk. that is the last i have heard from her since 2 weeks ago.
Outlook: Let me make this very clear, i know i have messed up very very badly, you don't have to tell me that. Though i would like to know what other people's take is on this situation on the future and if there are thing i could possibly do to regain the ability to talk to her so that i can support her and my child in any way that i can. If the relationship can be saved, that would be my dream, however supporting them is my number 1 priority regardless of the relationship.
TL;DR: I aboslutely destroyed my engagement by acting like an idiot for a whole damn weekend when finding out my fiance was pregnant. She broke up with me and now we have no communication whatsoever for months on end.
submitted by Advanced-Ad-1201 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 16:17 Rusted-1 ARK 8 Chapter 20-Old gods, new hope

ARK 8 Chapter 20-Old gods, new hope
\"What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.\"- Robert Altman
HELLO EVERYONE! I'M BAAAACCKKKKK! Sorry, it's been a while, college and all. Now that I'm Back from college, I should post more regularly. The story shall continue! I might be a bit rusty, but I'm definitely getting back into the swing of things. Hope you all enjoy it.
This fanfic is based on the fanfic The Isolationists, by Seeyouon_otherside, and a continuation of the stronger_together series. Constructive criticism is appreciated.
Time Since First Contact: Y:0 M:1 W:0 D:0
Memory transcript: Commander Fango Feral, Tiwond of the Enforcers.
ā€œAgain,ā€ I told Sunclick. He nodded as the security feed from the incident at the mall played once more in front of us. My niece Canilia Lieutenant Feral, Sunclick, along with the commander lieutenants of each district, all observed what was happening on the screen in front of us, from the human known as Sixer interacting peacefully with a couple, then that brat, who came out of nowhere, who was chasing some poor Zeyzell, then Ashina, who came out of the bathroom and slammed the brat on the ground. Then he and his friends left only for the brat, who disappeared before he left the door. ā€œAnd his friends have no idea where he went?ā€ I asked one of the commander lieutenants.
ā€œNo, sir. My husband was one of the people on that recovery team, and after heavy interrogation of the kids' friends, he simply disappeared. He left his friends completely abandoned and confused. They donā€™t know where he went. It was like he just vanished.ā€ One of the commander lieutenants spoke up.
ā€œThank you for the confirmation,ā€ I told him. He swished his tail in acknowledgment and then started talking to the others as they bounced theories and questions off one another. Leaving me and my niece to ourselves, my niece stepped forward.
ā€œSir, I understand this is personal for you, especially since it involved Ashina.ā€ my niece told me.
ā€œThank you for understanding that. You donā€™t have to call me sir. You are my niece.ā€
ā€œI know, it's just a professional courtesy.ā€ She responded flatly.
I nodded. ā€œThank you. I know you and her didnā€™t always get along, especially after her parents died, but Iā€™m glad you, too, have become such close friends after we let her in under our roof,ā€ I whispered to my niece. Looking at my niece's face, I wished I could take off that gas mask to see her smile. However, I knew what was under it, and any real chance of her being truly happy was most likely long, long gone. Ever since she lost her gift, she has been bitter and angry, focusing solely on protecting others from the same fate that befell her. Wait a minute, isnā€™t the staying human Dominic staying with her? ā€œCanilia, how are things with that human? You donā€™t talk about him much.ā€
She was silent. Then I heard a weird, cracking sound. It was very faint, but I could hear it as she was right next to me. It was coming from her mouth. I know that cracking sound. Itā€™s whatā€™s left of her cheek, curling into a smile. A Small one, but a smile nonetheless. ā€œHe is very kind to me. He likes hugs, he likes to talk, and he likes to listen. I like that he likes to help me, although I have yet to show him this.ā€ She gestured to her stomach, where her gift once was. I nodded. She was...happy...
I nodded to Sunclick, who then took over the conversation so I could talk to my niece. He drew the attention away from us, allowing us to speak. ā€œDo you think the aliens will be able to help you reclaim your gift?ā€ I asked.
She shrugged. ā€œI sure hope so, another thing, however.ā€ She spoke much more quietly. ā€œ Iā€™ve been staring at the neighbors' kids again. I donā€™t know how long Iā€™ve been doing it, but Dominicā€™s caught me doing it twice. He knows something, and he will think less of me when he finds out.ā€ She hung her head with despair. With all my heart, I wish I could reach out, grab her by the head, and yell at her that losing your gift isnā€™t a sign of dishonor. She was wounded in combat. None of it was her fault, and that she should forgive herself. But I know that wouldnā€™t work, sheā€™s too stubborn like me, one of the few traits. I wish she had never gotten it from me. If my sister was here now, she would kill me.
ā€œWhat has he done about it?ā€ I asked. ā€œWhen he saw you looking at the little ones.ā€
She moved a little bit, causing her power armor to creek, then looked back up at me with the sort of, well, I donā€™t know, I've never seen that look in her eyes. It was like Hope and joy, but more. ā€œHe knows something is wrong. Itā€™s his medical training that tells him it and his instincts, heā€™s actually baked a few meats for me, and sometimes when I snap out of it, thereā€™s a blanket over me and a hot cup ofā€¦coco, I believe he calls it next to me. He is an excellent caretaker.ā€
I couldnā€™t help but smile. She finally found someone who isnā€™t intimidated by her, who is willing to care for her that isnā€™t me. I felt an odd pride at that, but Iā€™ll take that pride.
ā€œIs the great Canilia Feral Smiling? Oh, I never thought I would see the da-.ā€
My niece and I turned at the same exact time. Our combined staring rivals that of any sun's power, with how intense our staring was at the damned soul who dared make a comment like that at her. The moment our eyes landed on the poor soul, he shriveled faster than a drumling that was absorbed into a flesh pit. He quickly hung his head and scurried out of the room to the laughter of the other lieutenant commanders. I turned back to Sunclick, who was having a bit of a chuckle of his own, he looked up at me and gave him the thumbs up, and I returned the gesture. ā€œHave the scanners picked anything up? The cameras, have they picked anything up about this person?ā€ I asked him, the laughter quickly leaving the room as we returned to full seriousness mode.
ā€œSorry, commander, nothing, weā€™ve picked up absolutely nothing about this guy. Weā€™ve run background checks, and we believe a few leads and we have some units out there checking out all the leads, however, will take some time as there are quite a few, and we donā€™t really know much about this kid. There are almost no files on him. The only thing we have turned up is a birth certificate and seventeen residences, which cannot be right. However, we did find something rather interesting. After talking to some of the people on the scene, we were able to discern a possible motive, which gave us a very good lead. Then, looking into that motive, we found a few of these.ā€ Sunclick pointed to a stack of extremely old newspapers, the ones the type that came right after the third unification war, when hyperpaper was very rare, and the plants that needed to be used in hyperpaper production were almost all wiped out during the war, and these are made on type of cloth to save hyper paper. I walked over and picked one up, looking at the article that was circled. It read, ā€œBoy's mother, abducted by aliens? Fact? Or postwar terrorist?ā€ I looked at Sunclick.
ā€œI remember the post-war terrorist, and I put a few down myself.ā€ My niece spoke out loud as she looked over my shoulder. One of the lieutenant commanders came up, picked up the newspaper stacks, and started handing them out to the others.
ā€œSunclick, I trust your judgment, but can you explainā€¦this?ā€ I asked him. His eyes lit up like a Titan bug after it had ingested a bunch of parasites that were making their way out of its body.
ā€œI would love to! You see, this kid, for whatever reason, believes that aliens abducted his mother. Now, post-war terrorists were common, and they are running around, and it might even be true that a post-war terrorist kidnapper killed his mother. However, the body was never actually found like most terrorist killings. After the war, there was so much confusion because people didnā€™t know what to do, and many were still bitter that we had won. For whatever reason, this kid got this idea into his head that aliens had kidnapped his mother, which everyone was kind of obsessed about, even more so that there are some literally living among us. Much to everyoneā€™s delight, I must say. However, with that single statement, that single line, and what witnesses told us at the scene. We have a much more narrow view of who this kid is, the only problem is, that the kid was never properly documented. Heā€™s a ghost in the system. The good news is his friends have been more than helpful, as they didnā€™t realize he would go that far. They've been telling us everything about him, but after some digging, it turns out they know just as much as we do, next to nothing. Either this kid is extremely paranoid orā€¦ā€ Sunclick went silent.
ā€œPlease, Sunclick, tell us.ā€ my niece asked.
He took a deep breath. He shifted nervously in his seat. ā€œHeā€™s a part of the cult of the old God.ā€
The emotion and general vibe of the room immediately shifted when the cult of the old god was mentioned: those rat bastards. ā€œDo you think they moved up this far north?ā€ I asked him.
ā€œHonestly, I think so, Iā€™ve been working with some of the lesser district managers since all of you guys have been busy with the aliens, which I donā€™t blame you for. Theyā€™re pretty freaking awesome. However, since their arrival, the cult of the old God activity has practically tripled twenty-fold. Itā€™s insane what theyā€™ve been pulling off, from stealing military equipment to assassinating low-level political members-"
"WHY IN THE OLD VOID WAS I NOT MADE AWARE OF THIS!?!" I screamed. Everyone in the room winced except my neice. Sunclick, who had received the full force of my explosive outbursts, had his ears pinned on his head and looked somewhat afraid of me now. I sighed and motioned him to continue. "Please continue."
"....uh sorry...I was going to tell you eventually, as things are out of hand, which is probably about right now. However, you were busy with the aliens and...never mind, it's not important now. If this kid is a part of the cult of the old God, theyā€™ve gotten extremely bold, and they will become a major problem for the aliens. Their whole goal is to purify the planet and kill the great protector so that their own God, the old God, the one who came before the great protector, can reign again, and we can expand past the red lightning veil and enter the greater galaxy. These aliens represent a massive threat to that ideology. Now they know thereā€™s another life out there, other empires, they will see the aliens as a huge threat. This means theyā€™ll be number one on their bucket list to take out, and if they do that, the aliens could turn against us, seeing us as all hostile, which is not happening at all, considering just how nice theyā€™ve been, theyā€™re also extremely cuddly, I mean, have you seen the way they-.ā€
ā€œSunclick, I understand you enjoy discussing advanced science with humans, but we need you to focus.ā€ One of the commander lieutenants said. Sunclick stopped and nodded.
ā€œRight, right, sorry. As I was saying, the aliens represent a massive threat to their organization. However, this attack couldā€™ve been a totally one-off situation where some random member decided to prove themselves. However, it also could have been something to test the alien's reaction to one of their own getting attacked. The aliens were mad, sure, but they trusted us to keep them safe. The aliens themselves didnā€™t do much other than send down more equipment for us and some of their own people to monitor the situation.ā€ Sunclick finished.
I nodded my head. ā€œThank you, good work as always.ā€ he smiled and nodded as his ears returned to normal, then returned to his computer. I looked back at the lieutenant command, who had the Zeyzell and citizen who were assaulted under her watch. ā€œHow are the two that were assaulted?ā€
She grimaced. ā€œNot great, I'm afraid. The Zeyzell has been having regular panic attacks, and the citizen has refused to come out of their house in the past two days. Theyā€™re too scared for their Zeyzell counterpart. The two have become great friends, which is good for AR, though.ā€ She said,
ā€œAR?ā€ I asked.
ā€œSorry. Many of the grunts have been using it, and itā€™s very catchy. Itā€™s called alien relations, AR.ā€
I nodded and turned back to the screen as the scene played again. It was the kid, limping off out of the door, who would then disappear from his friend's arms. I glanced up at the screen a little higher, and thatā€™s when I noticed it. A camera is not connected to the system, barely a pixel on the screen. Itā€™s a private camera. How did we not see that? ā€œSunclick, look up top of the ceiling on the screen,ā€ I told him. He looked up, and his eyes went wide.
ā€œIt's a private camera! How could we miss that?ā€ he said out loud.
ā€œNot important right now. Can you get access to it?ā€ I asked him. This is the chance I've been waiting for to get this person who would dare assault the alien who's making my daughter so happy.
ā€œYes, sir, I can do that!ā€ he proudly exclaimed. After a few quick taps on his computer, multiple connections, errors, and unknown errors, he punched the computer and got a connection. The tape played this time from the front. The angle was a bit weird, so we couldnā€™t get a good look at the kid's face, But it was what was around his neck that mattered.
ā€œIā€™ll be damned, a pendant of the cult of the old God.ā€ my niece said as we all looked at it in surprised silence. ā€œ Iā€™m gonna have fun tearing that kid apart.ā€ She said as she flexed her power armor claws. I looked at the pendent in silent anger. "Bold of the kid to wear it around in the open like that." She said aloud, and we all agreed.
I turned around to the face of other lieutenant commanders. ā€œThis is what weā€™ve been preparing for. You know the drill: get your districts, alert every enforcement office if possible, and get the enforcers on the streets. Get everyone on higher alert. I want more patrols, and I want everything more. Not enough to alert the population that something is happening yet, just more than usual.ā€ They all nodded and streamed out of the room. I turned to leave. However, an open door caught my eye. I turned and walked through it to see my niece standing on the balcony overlooking the city. I wandered out myself, power armor slightly clanking the entire time, the metal hitting the cold, polished concrete of the floor. I also looked at the sprawling metropolis we had built from this hell hole of a planet, its towering walls lined with guns and cannons to keep out the beasties. I walked up beside her and saw that something was in her hands. ā€œWhat do you have there?ā€ I asked her.
I looked at it closely, and it seemed to be some sort of scarf. I didnā€™t recognize the design or patterns. ā€œDominic made this for me. I donā€™t exactly know why. He just kind of did. He didnā€™t ask for anything in return. He just gave it to me. He said he didnā€™t want me to get a cold.ā€ She brought the scarf to her neck, which was a perfect fit. She tied it around just underneath her mask, and when she was finished, she let out a puff of steam from her mask.
ā€œIt's a perfect fit,ā€ I replied, smiled, and looked back out over the city. Looking over it, I thought about our history, the feral's bloodline, and how we have served as the worldā€™s protectors for so long. Now, it was threatened because only two ferals were left: me and my niece. Now, we have aliens to deal with. They seemed nice so farā€¦
I leaned a little farther over the railing. A glint of metal in the sky caught my eye and I looked up to see one of the Zeyzell transports coming down, most likely More Humans. I tracked it with my eyes as it landed in one of the newer landing pads with a loud clang, the landing gear hissing as it landed, and saw a large number of my people standing around there waving signs that said ā€œWelcome!ā€ and ā€œHello new friends!ā€ and other signs that said similar welcoming messages. I smiled and looked over at my niece. ā€œHow has the cityā€™s morale been since the aliens have come here?ā€
She quickly opened her wrist computer and typed minor keys on the tiny keypad. I still don't understand how she can use that, the screen is so tiny. ā€œFrom last time, when it was already an eighty percent increase, an additional twenty-three point four percent.ā€
I smiled even brighter and looked back down. The Zeyzell transport landed, and everybody cheered, and then the door opened as the Humans and a few Zeyzell came off the transport. My people began shouting names. Most likely for exchange partners. Immediately, the aliens again answered the calls and ran to their new friends. Many embraced in tight hugs and made what I assumed were happy noises based on how their mouths moved, as I could hear very little from up here. A few of the humans even started crying as soon as they embraced the larger frames of my species, practically melting into the "floofy fur" as the humans called it, of our fur. I even saw a pup leap from its mom and ā€œrun,ā€ although it was more of a quick waddle over to a human and embrace them, making happy beeping sounds the entire time. The human held them so gently as if they were afraid to break. Then, he immediately started to cry uncontrollably.
However, with all of the joy and happiness down there that I so loved, I was a bit disturbed by the crying. What in the world could they have gone through that would make something like a simple hug so unique? No, it wasn't the hug itself. I thought about my time on board the ARK ship and what I had seen. I have seen many humans embracing each other and hugs, giving each other kisses or their equivalent of it, I've also seen them embracing and hugging Zeyzell. I was also aware of a lot of inter-species couples and marriages on board the ARK ship. I thought about it very hard, deciphering everything that I had learned on board the ARK ship, in addition to the information that was sent to us very early on, and-... then it clicked. ā€œThey aren't crying because they're being shown loveā€¦ā€
ā€œWhat?ā€ My niece asked.
I turned fully to her. ā€œThey are not crying because they're being shown love. They are crying because another species is showing them love. They're being shown that someone cares about them other than their own species and the Zeyzell.ā€ I turned back to the landing pad and the ship was leaving as all the aliens had found the people they were looking for and were being carried back to cars, walking alongside them, or simply sitting and talking and sharing a meal. As I stood there, it was as if I could feel the emotions coming from the humans: the joy, the happiness, and the sheer love of being accepted. I couldn't explain it, but I felt as though we shared a deeper connection with humans than we initially thought.
ā€œDo you feel it?ā€ my niece asked. I looked at her and nodded. ā€œI can feel the joy, happiness, and love they are feeling right now from all the way over here.ā€ I nodded my head.
ā€œI think whoever or whatever they were running from was another alien species, based on the information I gathered from the ark ship, the reactions and emotions of the humans down there, and the information I sent to us early on. I had theories before that it was another species they were running from; I know many other people thought that, too, But I think this almost confirms it: they are definitely running from someone. Or were, but now they feel safe here.ā€ I told her as I gestured to all the people below us.
My niece nodded. ā€œWhen I get home, I'm going to give Dominic a big hug.ā€ We remained silent for a time. Just watching the beautiful scene before us as the snow fell slowly and lightly, the trees swayed in the breeze, ever so slightly bending. The wind made a howling noise as it whipped through the tight streets and architecture of our building. I breathed in and let it out, letting my breath turn to steam. I reached out and let the snow fall onto my hand. I brought my hand close, but the snowflake had already melted. My gaze returned to the Humans and Zeyzell, enjoying the snow alongside my people.
I turned to my niece. ā€œOur planet may be trying to kill us in over a thousand different ways, but itā€™s beautiful, huh?ā€
My niece sighed and looked at me. ā€œYeah, and itā€™s going to get a lot better now that we have friends, or lovers for some, from beyond the veil.ā€ I nodded and looked back at the snow that now danced in my vision as the Humans and Zeyzell departed with my people. I sighed, and we both returned inside to see Sunclick waiting for us.
ā€œYou can go nerd out with the humans now,ā€ I told him.
ā€˜ā€œThank you, sir!ā€ He shot out of the room and down the hall. I smiled and turned back to my niece.
ā€œDo you want to grab something to eat? The snow is great right now.ā€ I asked
ā€œSure. However, before that, we should warn the aliens about the cult, huh?ā€
ā€œOh, definitely,ā€ I told her. I smiled and we walked over to the communication system connecting us to the Aliens.
First/Previous/Next
submitted by Rusted-1 to NatureofPredators [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 16:09 Paulno90 A follow up to my 'HW3 demo feedback' (HW3 review-ish)

Prefacing the whole thing once again by saying that I'm a long time Homeworld fan, from the original all the way to here, playing hundreds of hours of the series. After the demo I felt so passionately about it that I made this post.
I've just finished the campaign, and I'm happy to say that, Homeworld 3 was a blast. The gameplay was fun, graphics looked beautiful, story was shorter than I hoped and didn't quite have the same impact as the final few missions of HW1/2 (too easy on medium), but I enjoyed it none the less.
The changes they made based on the demo feedback really did hit the spot, and addressed a few of my concerns. It's not a perfect game, and BBI sound committed to making improvements, so I'm really excited about the future. The story leaves things pretty open ended, with an obvious continuation, but we'll see!
I don't envy the task that BBI had here. HW1 is nostalgic not just because of how good it was, but because it was a genre-bending experience like no one had scene before, and the story was incredible, I will never forget the feeling/moment of returning to Kharak to see it burning, or when you arrive at Hiigara in the final mission. HW2 took the game to a whole new level in so many ways, and was memorable not for it's story, but the evolution of it's gameplay. HW3 feels like a fresh start, and I am truly hoping that this is just the beginning of a new era for this franchise, considering what they could do NOW with a Homeworld 4 (or expansion to HW3) gets me reaaaaaally excited.
A few thoughts after playing the game, and seeing some of the reviews:
Overall, I'm pretty happy with my time in the game. I will definitely be jumping straight back in for another run in the campaign at the highest difficulty, and play some War Games. I can't wait to see where the franchise goes from here.
Any questions, shoot, I'll try to answer!
submitted by Paulno90 to homeworld [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 16:07 ApprehensiveDog646 I want to rip out and destroy everything that makes me ā€œmeā€

Wall of BAWWWW incoming. I feel like I should preface this by saying that, as much as I hate myself, Iā€™m probably not going to kill myself, so you donā€™t need to worry about that. I have pets that depend on me and a family that would be devastated if I died (which I donā€™t even have the decency to be grateful for) so Iā€™m living, just out of obligation far more than a desire to actually be here. It makes me feel trapped and hopeless, but what can you do?
Iā€™m a failure, and probably one of the most pathetic sorts of failure you can imagine, a failed artist. I loved drawing and storytelling and worldbuilding growing up and it really gave me a sense of challenge and fulfillment, and when I got to college age I decided I wanted to become a videogame artist to try and make a career out of that. Well, that hasnā€™t panned out like I hoped it would, Iā€™m vastly outclassed by most other people competing in the field, and the rapid onset of AI has made things even worse. Why hire junior artists when you can just grind out a hundred AI generated pieces of concept art for free? Why should I try to get better when thereā€™s hundreds of people who already have connections and will always surpass me anyway? I canā€™t even enjoy art as a hobby anymore because Iā€™ve become so critical of anything I make, and now Iā€™m scared to even try going back to just drawing for fun because there will always be that little voice in my head going ā€œYou werenā€™t good enough, disciplined enough, or persistent enough to make this work as a job. Maybe you could have done it if you werenā€™t such a lazy, insecure piece of shit, but now youā€™ve fucked up everything forever and fallen behind and missed your window. Fuck you.ā€ Even outside my art woes, the world is just shit. Society is broken, modern media is nothing but slop designed to generate attention through hate-views and internet arguments, the governments of the world are actively screwing over the populace, and politics are becoming so violently polarized that nothing constructive is actually being done because people would rather just make things worse for the other team. I genuinely do not want to see what happens next in this shitshow, and I donā€™t really expect anything good to happen ever again.
I would say I want to stop trying to make a career out of game art, but the shitty thing is Iā€™ve barely even tried. I should have been okay with sending out hundreds of applications to be rejected hundreds of times and working on improving myself and learning new skills every minute I can, because thatā€™s what this field requires to even get a foothold. I thought I would be okay and that I could handle the challenge, but clearly that isnā€™t the case and Iā€™m such a fucking lazy ass that Iā€™ve given up before even really trying, because even the little bit I have tried was too much for me to handle. Iā€™m 27 now, still living at home, barely driving, only working part-time. Iā€™m a worthless piece of shit leeching off my parents because Iā€™m too scared of leaving the nest and actually having to work hard.
I had a game project that I knew was a big scope and would require learning a lot of new things, but it seemed like something that would be fun and challenging. And for a while I felt really, really good working on it. I had a life coach who was helping me stay on track. I was slowly learning how to motivate myself with things other than shame and self-hatred. I had an idea of how to start small and make it a reality. Then I learned someone else was doing a similar project and they were leagues more talented than I was, and in that one day all the progress I made was just gone. It felt like the wobbly little tower I was building up underneath me had the base yanked out and I fell hard and never truly got back up.
I canā€™t go through that again, I canā€™t handle that kind of disappointment in myself and failure again. It hurt too much. So I think what I really want is to stop trying to try. You canā€™t fail if you stop trying, and if you make yourself stop caring about anything, it wonā€™t hurt so much that youā€™re a failure in the first place. Ultimately thatā€™s what I want, to stop caring about anything. I want to open up my skull and rip out every emotion, every aspiration, every goal, every bit of creativity, every little idea that will never be fulfilled, and get rid of it all forever. On my worst days I even want to get rid of my hobbies, my interests, and everything that might make me feel any scrap of positive emotion or interest just so I can be completely and utterly flat. Theyā€™re already not doing me much good. I can distract myself with games or other stuff, but distraction is all it is. Trying anything new might make me feel emotions, or even worse, be disappointing, so thatā€™s off the table too. I want to find a medication that will blunt me so hard I never feel anything ever again. Just be an NPC with no inner monologue or opinions or aspirations and just go through the motions of life for the next sixty or so years until I finally die. Get a boring pointless job and just exist. That way Iā€™m not really dead and my family doesnā€™t have to be sad, but I donā€™t have to really be living either. I donā€™t want to be happy because I donā€™t think I deserve it. I just want to not be sad.
I know thereā€™s shit like mindfulness, detachment, self-compassion, and emotional acceptance. And those are all good and healthy things, but I donā€™t want that. I donā€™t want to be nice to myself because I donā€™t deserve it. I want to hurt myself (mentally). I want to break myself emotionally so thoroughly that I never feel or care about a single thing ever again. I want to rip my amygdala out. I want to kill my personality and just leave the body behind on autopilot. Iā€™m tired of having no control over my emotions or thought patterns. Every other day I get into a depressive spiral like this, thinking about how much I hate myself and how badly I wish I could stop feeling things. If I could press a button and get rid of all of my negative emotions at the cost of my positive ones, you best believe I would do it.
submitted by ApprehensiveDog646 to venting [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:44 Bushels_of_ash [MF] The 9th of May

There is some potentially triggering content in this story
Did you know that memories arenā€™t real? No? Not really, you can misremember or change a memory without ever knowing you have. Itā€™s a sinisterly important fact for me, some would be worried but I find it freeing, I can share this memory without fear or shame. I most likely havenā€™t remembered what happened as it happened, and considering what happened on the 9th of May all those years ago, Iā€™d say itā€™s likely I donā€™t remember. Itā€™s a relief really that memories arenā€™t real; I have always hated talking about my memories, about myself in general. In my experience, people are not interested in what I have to say, unless it relates to them or it makes me look less than them. Maybe itā€™s all in my head, everything is really. Iā€™m not the most people friendly these days, I think you could call me a cynic, I call myself a cynic, but Iā€™ll try and keep true to this memory, without the influence of hindsight and my cynicism.
Itā€™s about that puddle and the 9th of May. Why the specifically the 9th of May? Well I donā€™t actually know why that day, it could have easily been the 8th, the difference is hours. I do wish I could change the setting; itā€™s almost poetic, I could always be misremembering, it was a long time ago, and I have been told many times since that I have a flair for the dramatic. A dark and rainy night, with the wind howling, well thatā€™s a backdrop I can enjoy.
Iā€™m sorry. Let me start at the beginning for the sake of clarity, otherwise Iā€™ll never finish what I start to say, and Iā€™ll never say what I need to say.
Once upon a time I went to a party. I enjoyed drinking back then, a healthy amount for most people, but for me, a dangerous amount, I had a tendency to get inside my head when I drink.
No again Iā€™m sorry, thatā€™s not the memory I want to share, I want to tell the 9th of May, I think this memory will be harder to tell than I first thought.
It was a birthday party for a friend, well a friend of a friend, I knew two people there, I was speaking my wisdom at the party, normally people would just nod and slide away from that kind of wisdom, but this was during the university days, everyone is intelligent, insightful and understanding at university. We few were the self-proclaimed leaders of the future, and so understood all, my green wisdom spewed with no start or finish was always well received. I remember some of what I said, you can walk into any pub or club and listen to the drunkest person in the room, they would have spewed the same wisdom, wisdom that I thought at the time was original and wise, but really was just old sentiment repeated with new words. Despite what I wanted at the time, wisdom comes with age, not self-assurance.
But this time was my spring years, that sweet age just before I faced reality, the real harsh reality of life, I had just begun to explore the world inside my bubble, and my exploration lead me onto the well-trodden path of clubbing and drinking, the respectable rebellion. I began as I always did, by talking, talking of going to some event, a lecture, a monument, an underground pub, of all the things I could do that evening, the places I could go, I and the other future leaders of the world, the potential was ours to squander. This ended as it always would, in that night club, the very same one I would always go to, my slice of reality.
Apologies my dear reader, I have a cynical mind, itā€™s hard to keep at bay, Iā€™ll admit that I havenā€™t really tried to keep it from being an influence here, I canā€™t seem to help myself, but this next part of the memory is less clear, but I can relay it with a real, shame filled joy. This part of the memory feels more like a dream now, I donā€™t have the energy to do what I did that night, I donā€™t have the energy for much these days, I think that makes the memory more fond to me, drinking, dancing, worry free. Maybe fond was the wrong word to use here, jealous is more fitting, jealous of the innocence and time I wasted. The power of a drink back then was incredible; I miss the feeling, that burn in the mouth, the after taste, the saliva, the heat in your chest, and that feeling of being unstoppable. Of course drink has more than one effect, and while Iā€™d like to believe my cloudy memory is caused by false and misremembered facts, or by the merging of a hundred single nights into one endless night, thatā€™s too poetic. No, the memory is clouded by the amount I drunk that night, and many years after as I tried to forget this very memory.
Yet despite this, even now, the fragments still makes me smile, whether itā€™s because I enjoy the memories of the innocence I held then, or Iā€™m jealous of them I cannot say, Iā€™m a self-proclaimed cynic, not a philosopher or a psychologist, Iā€™ll leave the analysis to better men than me. Instead Iā€™ll try to give you an idea of what happened in the club without my opinions bleeding through. This night in the club was no different from all the others, they all start the same. Moving around the club in a daze, my head feeling big and unsteady, but also incredibly light and empty, my fingertips warm, my feet numb, I remember dancing to songs, dancing on tables, screaming out lyrics, smoking outside, stealing a bottle of champagne, fixing my hair in a mirror, buying a round of drinks, the lights flashing, the bass thumping, fog spewing, standing on my own staring at the old chandelier, crawling on the floor looking for money, I remember walking out the club and how quiet everything seemed in comparison while I tried to keep standing in the night air, looking at my hands, how bright the lights were, how blurry the world seemed and how beautiful the moon was that night.
Here, here the memory starts to come back into focus, the bright street lights and night air always helped me to sober up at night, plus Iā€™ve always enjoyed being outside in the dark night or under the moonlight, I find it comforting to stand under the moon, itā€™s as if Iā€™m suddenly alive.
As I came to my senses my memory sharpened, but thatā€™s all, my drunkenness remained. I was with a couple of friends, some who I had been at the party with and some who I met in the club, we got food, and we spent such a long time talking, our conversations were mixed, some happy, some sad, all just more green wisdom. Much later on, me and my friend, maybe the one I went to the party with (it might have been someone else, whoā€™s to say?), walked back towards our homes not because we wanted to walk as we said over and over to our screeching friends, but because the taxi was expensive and we couldnā€™t afford it, we lived in different places but close enough that we could walk together. Its funny to think of this moment, back then I had the money for a taxi, but I wouldnā€™t spend it on a taxi, now that Iā€™m a poor man, Iā€™ll spend money I donā€™t have on taxis I donā€™t need, apparently the youthful idiot I was, was wiser than I am now in some regards after all.
I donā€™t remember walking with my friend, or rather, I know where we went, how long it took and what we probably talked about, I had walked this walk so many times before this night, and so many after, they are all the same memory to me now, I enjoyed the walking in the night, the exhilaration of that has stayed with me more than the company on those walks. I always used to break it down into three segments, and so thatā€™s how it comes back to me now. Leaving the club, past the library, past the race track, over the river across the bridge, up the steep hill, past the first university gates (which were actually the back gates), round the campus on the public roads, to the second gates (which are the main gates), a long walk with company, a painfully short one with alone. He was still living on the Campus my friend, I lived about ten minutes away from the campus, I said goodbye and goodnight, we agreed to speak in the morning if we survived. He went through the back gates and headed towards the halls, I continued on my way, onto the second segment of the walk past the gates. I was on my own for the rest of the walk; this happened a lot, both during my university days and many years after. I lived on the opposite side of the campus to most of my friends so this part of the walk was always mine alone, even when I started the night with the people I lived with. I didnā€™t mind, it was nice to enjoy the feeling of being drunk without having to show I was drunk, a few assured moments of peace under the moon light. I never deviated from my path, round the outside of the campus, opposite some housing estates, till I got next to a little shop that sold cheap, bottles of spirit. I would always stop for a moment to wish that shop was open.
Then it was down that straight road, the final part of my walk, big houses on either side, well-lit but not busy. It looked like it was a five minute walk but once you started it felt like it was never ending, and at the end of the night, in the night air, it was never ending. Sometimes I would run, sprint to see if I could make it to the end of that road without stopping, something to break the monotony of walking, other times to tire myself out so I could fall straight to sleep, and sometimes just because I wanted to run. Nearly every day for two years I walked down that road to go clubbing shopping or studying, to go for a meal, see a film, meet a friend, it was a constant part of my life, an unwanted companion and witness. Walking down that road, reader I donā€™t think Iā€™m able to describe how I hated that road, but I always walked down that road, there were other ways I could walk, quicker ways, but I always took that road.
This particular night, actually at this point I suppose it was the morning. I was walking down that road in the rain and dark between the streetlights, bitterly cold staring straight into a street light walking on the right hand side. Iā€™d always walk on the right hand side, Iā€™m not sure why, whenever I walked on the left I had a bad day. Except for on the 9th, the 9th is the one exception.
I have no clue where the car came from; I didnā€™t see it until after the jump, just a blurred headlight, a door, a wing mirror. The driver, the make, the model, even the color is a mystery. It appeared and left like a phantom. There was no thought, I moved forward, but I donā€™t recognize that I was the one who leapt forward.
I remember the fall. I fell backwards. As if my strings had been cut and I fell limp into the puddle, there was no splash as I landed in that puddle.
The feeling I felt in that puddle, it was something I had never felt before or since, an overwhelming pull I was powerless against, I pray to never to feel it again.
Should I describe it? How to describe it? I have to describe it. I can describe the fear it inspired, but not yet, itā€™s easier to describe fear, but this isnā€™t meant to be easy, this memory never is. No the actual feeling, thatā€™s harder, It wasnā€™t a happy emotion, not a powerful emotion, not a sad emotion. Hopelessness? Yes it was hopelessness. Nothing more, nothing less. No hope for the future, no point to anything, I think it is possibly the only time I felt hopelessness. You canā€™t live without hope.
I couldnā€™t stand could I? No, I wouldnā€™t have laid there if I could, to begin with I didnā€™t want to, didnā€™t care to, my legs wouldnā€™t move, arms were like stone, every muscle in my body cramped, I could feel everything. My eyes were open, rain hitting them, rain dripped from my lips to my chin, it tickled. The fingertips were warm, hair moved, stand by stand off my face. Puddle water lapped against my cheek, socks soaking up water, shirt getting tighter and heavier, jacket sleeves filling up with water, keys and wallet resting on my leg. I just lay there staring at nothing, seeing nothing.
I think to begin with I was gone; that everything I held myself up to and was trying to achieve, had suddenly left me, except my memories, memories that werenā€™t real. For the longest time thatā€™s how I was, empty, even down to my emotions there was nothing I laid there empty. I could feel my body, but I couldnā€™t move it, I wasnā€™t welcome, I felt awkward, out of place. Iā€™m not sure how long I lay there, dead (I had to be dead because I had no hope), it could have been a minute; it could have been hours, days or years.
The light was wrong. It was dark, only the light seemed to come from a streetlight, the sky was empty, the moon had left me.
Some portion of my mind came back, I started crying, I had failed, failed at even this simple task, I lay for a long time waiting, waiting for something else to come, I should have gotten up, but I just lay there waiting, I was muttering my secret . If that had been my mind for the rest of my days, I would have spent those days in that puddle unmoving; declared brain dead on the spot. The moment raises such disgust in me, I grieved my most important failure, hated my greatest success.
Iā€™d like to lie here, to say anything other than the truth, to save myself the pain and the shame, but I said I would try to tell this memory as it was, not as I wish it, so while Iā€™d like to say I had a vison, a burst of strength, that hope returned to me, I canā€™t, because in reality it was two words that saved me.
Two words. The Two words that cut through it all. Iā€™m still not sure if I just heard them from somewhere else, said it myself or imagined it afterwards. ā€œGet upā€ it was angry, disgusted, the words were almost spat out, ā€œGet upā€.
Those words have burned themselves into my mind, and affected me every day since. The fear and inspiration it awoke in my mind, throat pricked and butterflies in my stomach, anxiety. Next to the hopelessness it seemed like life had spoken, with a voice that wielded fear.
I took control of my body thenā€¦ā€¦
No dear reader I didnā€™tā€¦. I am almost finished, I have to be true to the memory, I canā€™t spare myself now, itā€™s too late for me to take it back.
I didnā€™t take control, I wasnā€™t there yet, it took me such a long time to regain control again, but it gave my eyes back to me for I had seen nothing long before the fall. I watched as fear drove me, took the strings of my life and moved them, dragging my shell in the dust, screaming.
I cursed everyone and everything, hated myself for what had happened, Oh and the fear, fear of the voice, fear of dying, the fear that someone would see me at this moment, see me and misunderstand me, I didnā€™t want to die,(I donā€™t want to die now) I was terrified that I had tried to die, terrified I didnā€™t know where that urge came from, that moment of energy and intention that was actioned without the consent of my mind, that I was powerless against.
Fear drove me, commanded me out of that puddle. Iā€™d gone insane, truly, completely, utterly mad, I was dragging myself to the curb, screaming, crying, laughing, I ripped my finger nails out, shredded my palms and hands into bloody messes my knees into bruised pulp, my head and face cut by being dragged along.
I heaved up that curb fucking curb, shaking. I started to stand and scramble forward, to escape that spot, that puddle on that road. I stood up hunched and bent, buffet by the wind, laughing, crying, waving my hands in all directions spitting, shouting, wiping blood on my jeans, I was staggering side to side shaking, soaked to the bone, I was mad, insane, disgraced and humiliated.
Why say more? I wonā€™t go further, there is so much more but to understand itā€¦. This was not the place for such memories. That moment all those years ago, was not the eureka moment, the next day I turned this into a joke, a story to tell.
To this day, I cannot tell you what really happened that night all those years ago, as I sit here writing and rewriting the words over and over. I donā€™t think Iā€™ll ever understand it. I wonder what would happened if I could relive that night again, doing everything again now. This was the time that my bubble began to burst and the real world hit me like a wave. Perhaps it was just a moment of growing pains. Iā€™ve said it before, Iā€™m only a cynic, all I have left is the memory of the 9th of May, a memory I visit daily.
submitted by Bushels_of_ash to shortstories [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:42 Cactorious Make Heroic Epic like the Fountain of Youth

Edit; Brave New World expansion.
I wish to make a mod that changes the behavior of the Heroic Epic.
I know there's a mod that just blanket applies the Morale buff to all units produced in your empire, but I find that a bit redundant, since if the AI gets the same wonder (presumably it does) then it's basically negated and serves no purpose since all units will have that buff. However, I also don't like the default behavior of the wonder, making a single city the only point of production, should you want all your units to have the Morale buff (I do and I like to play wide). I think a happy medium (for me at least - hence undretaking making a mod to achieve it) is to have the Heroic Epic behave similarly to the Fountain of Youth; any of your units that passes by the city holding the wonder (adjacent tile) gets the Morale buff. It means you can produce in any city, and if you can spare the time you can trek to the city with the wonder to receive the buff. I'm not too fussed about making sure the AI utilizes it, though if anyone knows how to add THAT funcitonality too, it'd be good.
What I'm wondering is, where is the functionality of the Fountain of Youth located? Is it in the LUA files somewhere? If so, I can't find it - what keyword/name do I have to search for to see how that buff is applied to passing units? Or is it functionality that's coded in C++ in the engine itself? I wish to see how that is implemented, and just ape it in the equivalent file/location for the Heroic Epic (this is my initial naive, ignorant approach - I won't be surprised if the actual implementation of the mod is more involved than just a copy/paste operation from one lua file to another).
Thanks in advance.
submitted by Cactorious to civ5 [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:42 AspieNana Will never date again!!!

So I F55 have been single, living with ex (paranoid hoarder) for a few years. It was exhausting & constant stress. We all know what clutter does to an aspie!! I finally had enough & decided to move closer to my kids&grans 1200 miles away. Ex moved out. I've been trying to pack my stuff (imagine trying to find my stuff in the hoard) bought a shuttle to live in/haul my stuff, still had the exs cats, dog, for months. I've had 2 surgeries in the past 6 months, both pushed my timeline further back. I've dealt with all of this ALONE. It's just been chaos & I'm really pushing myself. I have a 4 hr round trip commute, on top of an 8 hr work shift, 5 days a week. A friend there, invited me to a FB group to maybe meet some more friends there before hand. I got a few responses & over a period of a few months, 1 in particular, (F62) were seeing each other. She came to visit. Visit went fantastic. I understand she's a manager type personality & was fine with that, until I told her I am Aspie. Within a few days, I was being instructed on how to deal with bosses, friends, finances, when to work on my resume, tasks, chores, etc. I occasionally get overwhelmed & take a night off from tasks. I had set Mem Day as my "goal" tho kept the reality of rain, & things not working as planned (I had a date to get hitch installed, they screwed up reservation, & rescheduled next week) perfect example! I was planning on driving my shuttle down, coming back for camy dog. SHE decided, to buy a plane ticket for Mem wknd, to drive my car down for me. She's never pulled a trailer, nor dealt with midwest storms. She would also have my dog in that car. When I mentioned the given time frame, she dismissed it. My concerns: The shuttle is older and may break down. It's custom, so finding parts may take weeks. I also brought up midwest storms, her response was "its just rain we will keep going". I brought up straight line wind, derechos, etc. Was still blown off. So now my stress & anxiety are peaking. Monday night, we chatted until late, Tuesday, i had a texted a typo, & she was offended I didn't fix it. I had a horrendous busy day. She texted that I must be busy. I said yes. Note: that was all the text I got from her as well all day. When I left work, I texted that I was out. Didn't get the typical "drive safe" response. I texted that I got home. I got 'yay' in response. I then get voice message telling me she can't imagine how much stress im under, she doesn't want to be my stressor, etc. She offers me a night off of our nightly chat so I can decompress. I'm thinking omg she's amazing, thank you ty TY! Then... she sends me a vm of how I'm exhibiting VERY BAD passive aggressive behavior, full of red flags, she's going to take this as a concern, etc. I apologize & say today Im overwhelmed. Now I'm being told, she was upset about my typo, I didn't fix my typo, I didn't text much, how that made her feel ghosted, that her gut was right that I was bullshit, that I'm just too immature to handle what she has to offer. At this point, after a very long stressful day, I'm in critical shut down. I reject calls- texts, tho the texts come in nose to tail. Constant voice messages,texts, emails, voice mail,... I'm just here panicking in silence. So she starts harassing my adult daughter. I tell my daughter to block her. Now the accusations start. Then threatening to visit my elderly (80+) neighbors, (she's been to my place - driveways line up, she know where they live they are my only neighbors) harass THEM until I conform. (PS: she works with the elderly) & she can't see why I now don't want anything to do with her.
Things she's said/ texted-unedited:
-Until I hear different, I am flying out Saturday the 25th. I will get an Uber to your mom and dad's house because I have the address and we're gonna figure this shit out.
-I'm gonna have so much fun with you. You're gonna wish you never met me because I gotta tell you I gave you everything fucking everything trust sex psychological bullshit. I gave you fucking everything and you know what autism on the Spectrum all that fucking bullshit is that it's bullshit.
-I think you were too immature to handle what I can give you and you laid on yourself by being a fucking pussy and that's bullshit because I know you better than that. Why can't you just own that you need to communicate better
-I will constantly call you until I have an answer. That's the bottom line. Don't be a fucking pussy.
-Do you like women to chase you because you were fucked up? Do you really like that or do you like togive amends so it could be done?
-I will keep calling because I want an answer because I am not a fucking pussy. I want to hear it from you.
-You by far are the biggest shit that I've ever ever known. Well played the biggest fucking shit I've ever known.
-I use your white T-shirt to pick up dog shit and it made me feel happy. Isn't it cool that I can text you and you can't respond to me talking about bullshit.
-It totally sucks to be you lol I'm loving this and if you never read it, I'm still loving it
-I'm gonna have so much fun with you. You're gonna wish you never met me because I gotta tell you I gave you everything fucking everything trust sex psychological bullshit. I gave you fucking everything and you know what autism on the Spectrum all that fucking bullshit is that it's bullshit.
-You like the fat girlfriend because it makes you feel skinny and being with someone who's not fat makes you feel insecure
-I think I'm done with you for now enjoy and there is a feed for our text messages just so you know it's awesome
-I think that you just don't think and now there is no way of you to contact me thank you you did this. And I shot those emails out about mom and dad. Do I know where they live fuck no I wanted to get your attention. You chose to read them to use it against me.
-That makes me really sad and yes, I said things to get your goddamn fucking attention And you take it personally although you know me I don't even know mom and dad's address you fucking think about it. You dumb bitch OK use autism as an excuse. You're a dumb bitch autistic people think clearly.
-And you know what your daughter yes I said that fuck your daughter. You need to get her permission to do shit fucking grow up.
-Yes, I lashed out because you didn't talk to me. Yes, to all of the above, but the bottom line is when I love someone I fucking love them and I talk to them, which you did not because you were a fucking pussy, so prove me wrong
-For the record, we could never be more than friends if this is how you handle stress, not my jam at all, but I can certainly be your friend. Do you have a whole lot more growing up to do or a whole lot more realizing your disability in terms of being autistic and on the spectrum.
-I don't care if you're autistic or not you're not fucking stupid, that's passive aggressive Berni and fucking deal with it that was wrong and that was mean you were mean and yes, I lost my shit because I didn't know what was going on
submitted by AspieNana to aspergers_dating [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:34 Zagaroth [No Need For A Core?] - CH 189: A Tuneful Trio

Cover Art <<Previous Start Next >>
GLOSSARY This links to a post on the free section of my Patreon. Note: "Book 1" is chapters 1-59, "Book 2" is chapters 60-133, "Book 3", is 134-193, "Book 4" is CH 194-(ongoing)
When the three teens got up the next morning, they ate quickly before turning their attention back to the instrument.
With the soundboard ready enough, Derek's next task was to collect the string posts and such from some of the scrapped stringed instruments, but to do no more than clean them up if needed and set them aside for later.
While he was doing that, Shizoku was using one of the better instruments in the shop to make sure that Fuyuko had a solid concept of scales and octaves. During this, the luponi couldn't help but ask "Ya should be able ta hear as well as me, why are ya tryin' ta have me figure this out?"
"Well," the kitsune replied, "there's a few things involved. First, I have paid a lot more attention to my magical senses than my physical ones, so while my ears might be able to physically hear as well as yours, my mind isn't as attuned to working with that information. You have been used to pushing yourself to make the most of every sound." She hesitated a moment before adding, "There's something else involved with that, but I think it's best if someone more experienced teaches you, which Mordecai is probably going to do, so I am not going to even tell you what it's about. I just don't want you to think I hid something from you later."
After Fuyuko gave a slightly confused nod, Shizoku continued. "I am also giving you just enough information for you to get certain key concepts down. Once I do that, we can hunt for a fresh set of notes without the bias of the rest of my training. You'll understand when we are done."
Once she was satisfied with the taller girl's understanding, Shizoku began the next stage of the process. "Okay, now this instrument over here has some adjustable positioning with its tuning knobs, and we have some other pieces that were also still being prototyped. Fuyuko, what I want you to do is find a new note. We have a bunch of strings of different types, so you can play with it with different sounds. So you hunt down a note that you like, no, love. Deep or high or somewhere in between, it doesn't matter. Once we have a single note to work with, we can scale up or down as needed to get the matching ones, the only limitation is that it has to be a note Derek can hear. The notes I showed you are the notes I know, but technically a scale can be based on the harmonies of any frequency. Since you don't know all the systems that already exist, and you have really good hearing, you should be able to pick out a clean frequency to start with."
After Fuyuko got a hang of tuning strings, Shizoku had Derek follow her out of the workroom. "I don't want to disturb her concentration, and I don't want our reactions to influence her. I'm sure she's heard plenty of music before, but I doubt she's heard as much well-performed music as you have, so she won't know what sounds are supposedly wrong."
While Fuyuko was occupied, the pair explored the witch's island more, poking their noses into any unlocked buildings other than the main house. Some of them were storage, and some were other types of workshops. Shizoku wasn't certain if the wreck of an alchemy lab was the result of visitors or of Carmilla's own experiments, and decided it was best to not ask. But there were a lot of notes and a few books, so she decided to start browsing them and copying any new information she found. She also wrote on a couple of them to correct anything she saw that was clearly wrong.
Once the fox girl got distracted by her studies, Derek decided to practice channeling his elemental abilities more. The swamp was a fascinating mix of different types of elements and different ways elements could be seen. The concept of 'mud' was complicated enough that he was beginning to see it as its own thing, distinct from earth and water.
And then there was the way in which 'air' could be trapped in the muck, and even the more liquid stuff could prove difficult for air bubbles to escape readily. None of that was good quality air, at least, not if you needed to breathe, but it was air. Sort of.
He walked along the wooden walkways that wound around the island, probing as far as he could with his senses. Holding on to this state was tiring, but it was easier to keep doing this exercise when there was something new and interesting to puzzle out. He wasn't trying to manipulate or adjust anything right now, that seemed like a bad idea to mess with Carmilla's island, but there was enough here that was simply different from what he'd seen before to keep him occupied for a while.
So when Fuyuko had found the note she wanted to work with, she had to spend more time fetching her friends before they could continue. "So, as I was playin' with the notes, I kinda remembered some old songs my ma used ta sing ta me. They didn't sound the same as the songs people liked, and they ain't in common, so I ain't sung them in a long time, but I tried ta remember them as best I can, and then I figured out some strings that sounded like I remembered. I think these can work as part of a scale."
Shizoku was satisfied with the results. "It's not on any of the scales I know. Very good Fuyuko. Um, and maybe when we are done here, we can hear those songs. Now for the hard part. We have to find the harmonies. More specifically, we have to find the harmonies and how to create them with the available strings. This is going to be a lot of work, and most of it is still going to be based on Fuyuko's hearing, so our part is to make sure she has as many available strings and ways of adjusting them as possible."
It took several days in fact, including marking sections on the strings that could be used to change to a different harmonic note. Part of this was to create a lot of options, which they were going to need. Shizoku took a lot of notes during this, and Derek eventually had to go back to town to barter for some more strings. They had a lot more than they were going to use in the final product, but there were so many more possible notes than Derek had realized. And the tiny fox organizing their efforts was being perfectionist about having every possible option available. She'd also added "precise distance measuring tools" to his shopping list.
In the end, Derek had what she wanted, but he was pretty certain that he'd overpaid in at least one barter. At least he'd been able to get some more food supplies. The meals Udup got for them were fine, but a little repetitive and boring, so it was nice to get a change of pace. He also made sure to collect the items they had been storing in their room so that they didn't have to lug them around the swamp, as they had a place to stay on the witch's island.
And during all this Bip was amusing itself by learning to vibrate in tune with the various notes, and even showed off by making waves on its surface that matched the sound. Shizoku looked a little confused when she passed on what her familiar said, but to Derek that felt like an insight he needed to work on with his air attunement.
When their taskmistress was satisfied with their options, it was time to create the layout for their instrument. "We need a piece of wood the same size and shape as our instrument. We're going to figure out the best string order for what we want. This is going to involve a lot of moving things around, so we want to do the work here, and then copy that to the actual instrument when we are done."
This part went a lot faster but it still took most of a day to design their layout, and the next morning was used for their final assembly.
The instrument had a total of twenty-six strings, two octaves of thirteen notes each, with more notes available based on which of the raised ridges one pressed down on while plucking the string. Even with the tools that Derek had bought, measuring with enough precision was hard, but thankfully the tuning posts were all made to be used in experimental instruments so were easy to adjust.
After they had lunch, they got Carmilla to examine their work. "Huh," she murmured as she plucked each string, "yeah, that is a new sound. And this thing is cool, I need to find a name for it. Alright, you guys pass this stage, and with flying colors." She giggled, "Miss Kazoo says you did that the way hard way. It was thorough, but you should have been able to do it with about a third the work or less."
Shizoku scowled and said, "Well, she may have had a lot of music training, but I have had only so much, so I wanted to be sure I didn't miss anything." And then she blinked, "Wait, 'Kazoo'?"
Carmilla coughed. "Oops. I'm getting a scolding now from Mordecai. Um, maybe don't use that? Anyway, you guys did a great job and put a lot of creative and physical effort into this. That adds up, you know? So with this and all the other stuff you guys did before coming here, I only get to ask you for one more task. I want you to put on a performance for me. And I want it to include that instrument. You can practice with this one, Kazue will make a copy that is a bit more stable for the performance and for me to keep."
That elicited groans from the entire group, but Shizoku rebounded quickly. "Wait, I have an idea. Um, I think we need a couple of days of practice, and we need a drum as well."
The plan was pretty straightforward. Fuyuko was going to sing the songs she could remember, and teach them to Shizoku and Derek while also doing her best to play the notes on their new instrument. She wasn't really going to be very proficient at it in only a couple of days, but they were able to work out the simplest arrangement that would go with her songs.
Derek's job was to maintain a steady beat on the drum and sing along with the chorus of the song. Not knowing the language that Fuyuko was singing in made this part harder.
Shizoku's job was to adjust one of the dances she knew to the timing of Fuyuko's song. She even dug into one of her expanded space bags to bring out a very fancy looking kimono and a pair of fans that could be used to create a sharp snapping sound, which could be used to contrast the low sound of the drum that Derek was playing.
The resulting performance was far from professional. Fuyuko only had a small pattern of notes she could reliably reproduce while singing, and they were somewhat spread out as she couldn't play fast at all. Shizoku's fan dance also didn't really match the feel of the song despite the adjustments she tried to make, and Derek's reproduction of the chorus was far from perfect.
But they put sincere effort into it, and Carmilla was satisfied. "Oh, that will be a great start, and I think I am going to like playing this. Thank you, I think you three have put more real effort into this than most of the adults have. Oh, they have a special gift for you Fuyuko, they say you should have it now." A small book appeared in her hands, which she handed over to Fuyuko. "Part of the dungeon magic means they learned that language when you sang it. This is a copy of every song you sang and a translation. The writing for the original is sounded out using the common alphabet, they don't have a writing sample to learn the original script from. Um, they also think you should wait to read it until you guys are settled in for the night. I'll let you three through the swamp tomorrow, and you can collect your big prizes when you get to the end."
The reason for waiting became clear to Fuyuko when she did start reading later that night, and she began crying. "I remembered the words and the sounds, but it's been so long that I didn't really remember the meaning. They were lullabies. They were my clan's lullabies."
Shizoku and Derek did their best to comfort their friend, but her tears were both of pain and of joy. She was very happy to have this small bit of her past restored to her, even if the translations showed she'd forgotten a verse or two. She was going to do her best to remember them all and make sure they were written down.
She was much calmer by morning, and the three collected themselves and set off to make their way to the briar wall that blocked off the exit to the level. The passage through went fine, but the corridor after was not the straight path Fuyuko had expected. It was blocked off, and there was a single stair way splitting off from the corridor. "Um, guys. That's supposed ta be the way we go, it goes ta a big room ta watch the arena from. That's, um, one of the stairs down to the arena."
They didn't know what to make of this and made their way down very cautiously.
Mordecai was waiting for them, along with several bunkins and kobolds. "So, who is up for an optional bonus challenge?" He asked them with a grin.
<<Previous Start Next >>
Also to be found on Royal Road.
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$3. : 10 Early chapters, lore excerpts $5. : 20 Early chapters, Short Stories $10 : 30+ Early chapters, New stories not published anywhere else (Until after I finish this story at least) . . . . . "A Girl and Her Dungeon", "The Celestine Fox", and AU Core 1: "Coreless"
submitted by Zagaroth to redditserials [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:33 Visible-Assignment97 Wife Swap Became Complicated

My (now ex) girlfriend and I decided to go poly with a couple who were our best friends. It was the girls idea and what began as a foursome fantasy turned into a regular 'wife swap' situation for about 6 months. We went on dates and hooked up with each others partners during this time and at first it was very positive for everyone. As things progressed it became clear that me and my best friends girlfriend had a deep connection. This was noticed by my girlfriend and the whole thing was called off quite abruptly. A couple months later, my girlfriend and I broke up. Though this situation definitely was a catalyst, it was not the reason we broke up and truthfully the breakup was a healthy and good decision.
After the breakup I remained friends with the couple that we had swapped with however it was hard to remain just friends with my friends girlfriend. They had become monogamous again however our connection didn't fade. We exchanged flirty texts and both couldn't let it go. One night when I was sleeping over at their house after a party, she kissed me before going to bed and my friend heard it. He brought it up to her the next day and was very upset as he was under the impression that the relationship had ended months ago, which it did. He talked to me that week and told me that he was not comfortable with me continuing my relationship with her. I listened and was apologetic and told him that it would never happen again and that it was a mistake.
I disconnected from his girlfriend for several weeks but as time went on we began texting each other and admitted to missing each other. She began sharing with me her desires to leave her relationship, not specifically to be with me but because she wasn't happy. This wasn't the first time she had mentioned this. We talked about this several times on the phone and each time my response was that she shouldn't leave her relationship because of me and that I was in no place to be in a new relationship as a newly single person fresh off a breakup. Though all this was true I still had feelings for her and I continued to express those feelings. She was much more forward about her feelings but every time she would bring them up I would validate our connection and share that I felt the same way. I was very polarized in how I felt. My brain was telling me that I was not ready for a relationship and that continuing this dialogue was inappropriate but my heart wanted her and I couldn't resist her advances. Truly we had a connection and it felt like I either had to deny my feelings or my logic. I chose to deny my logic and continue texting and flirting with her against my friends wishes.
A couple weeks later she let me know she was having trouble in her relationship and she was thinking about ending things with him. She's unhappy and has been for a while. She also told me that my friend (her boyfriend) was questioning if her and I were still talking. She told him we weren't and her and I agreed to call it quits on the flirtatious messaging. We recognized that although our feelings for each other were very real, what we were doing was wrong. A day after this decision, my friend texted me out of the blue saying that he was not ok with whatever was going on with me and her and that he was disowning me as a friend. This crushed me but I had no retort, he was right to react this way. Even though nothing physical was happening, Id been feeding inappropriate conversations.I don't know what she told him but either way he knew that I didn't keep my promise to him. I feel horrible. I betrayed my friend and hurt him deeply and recognize what I did was wrong. I still have feelings for her though and she has feelings for me and being with her felt like nothing I've ever experienced. Admittedly her attention made my breakup easier and I've been reliant on her attention during my breakup but it was more than that and we both sensed it.
I've already fucked things with my friend and I don't know where they stand in their relationship but my question is: Is following my feelings and connection with her worth it? Never in my wildest dreams would have thought I'd be in this situation and as a people pleaser, destroying my friendship is a nightmare but I'm still torn. Her and I formed a connection on legitimate grounds and I don't feel bad about that. Part of opening your relationship is opening it up to all possibilities of connection. Should I have denied my heart or should I have put my feelings aside and not continued my relationship with her?
What I should have done was respected my friends wishes and let this situation play out with a 'if it's meant to be then it will happen' mindset but I didn't do that.
My feelings for her are very real and I've never felt this way towards anyone before. Am I wrong in wanting her or continuing a relationship with her if they ever break up? I'm extremely torn. I've chosen her over my friend but was that the right choice? Is a deep romantic connection worth losing a friend over? Is being true to yourself worth leaving people behind? Say she leaves him and we start dating and it really works... is it justified or am I a still a shitty person?
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submitted by Visible-Assignment97 to TrueOffMyChest [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:32 De77 My 27f girlfriend is really insecure about my 26m female friends its getting to me any advice?

My girlfriend and I have been together for over five years, and everything is going great. I landed a corporate job through an internship, and during that time, I became close friends with others in the program. Our group mainly consists of three girls and two guys, and it's worth noting that only one of the girls is single; all the others are in long-term relationships.
Over the past three years, we've become a tight-knit group, going out for drinks, lunches, dinners, and even trips. Most of the time, my girlfriend is there or is welcome to join; we let all partners come, and sometimes we hang out without them.
However, there have been a few situations where my girlfriend has felt jealous or seemed very insecure about the girls in the group. This happens when I have lunch at work with just one of them, go for walks, catch public transport, or carpool to work with one of them without telling her.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I tell her about my friends. Sometimes, we make plans, and in the end, it's just me and the girls, which upsets her even though I still go. I've always tried to be as honest as possible with her, but it doesn't seem to help.
I think she might see them as threats because they're new friends. It feels like a double standard because she's okay with her male friends since 1. They're from high school, so it's fine, or 2. "It's just (insert friend's name); he's nothing."
I've had multiple conversations and even cried about this with her, telling her how important it is to me to make her happy and reassure her that she's the only one for me told her im not attracted to these girls we just enjoy hanging out as a group. But at the same time, I don't want to lose good friendships because of a partner.
submitted by De77 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:25 Shreson Wanna seek suggestions about this guy from my safe comfort space i.e. fellow women

Sorry if my post is long....Its my first time taking advise from anyone regarding such things.šŸ™ˆ
I have mostly studied in institutes only for girls. As I grew, talking to guys became difficult for me. Also, I was very naive always. I am the " good fun intelligent girl " as per others & "unlike other girls". Due to my family problems & fights, which promotes inferiority complex, I am not someone who considers herself beautiful all the time... to the point that once i didn't want to attend my institute's freshers party but just went there because 2 classmates called me beautiful so I thought i won't look bad maybe ( i am not much of a makeup person) & ended up being the winner ( it included looks, quizzes, debate & games ) So i found out i look pretty if I give few minutes to get ready & take care of myself a bit. I always saw myself as someone a guy won't like but after attending birthday parties etc, girls used to say their boyfriends were talking about me in a very good way later and praising me a lot. They used to feel jealous but not insecure as they saw me as a girl not interesting in dating. I never had a boyfriend. For a long time, I didn't care. Now for past 1 year, I too feel like having someone. Most of the friends who knew me ever use words like " pure " & " decent " for me though I know these things don't define purity or goodness. Have you seen " beautiful people " song video by Edsheeran? I am somewhere between those " beautiful people " & that couple. I don't know if its normal but when guys approach me through insta & start showing romantic interest just in single day, i dislike it.. like you don't even know me dude. I have a big thing for decency & friendship first. & I always have my guards up. It's self destructive maybe.
I have evolved now but since despite being a bright person, I gave up on many good opportunities so currently I don't like the current version of myself much & I feel like i should work on myself & be with others ( even friends ) when i would be a better version of me. This year is crucial for me.
Now, THE MAIN PART - Now... I have an extra anonymous type instagram account. I rarely scroll it but one day, i saw a viral reel of a girl with normal number of followers with her foreigner boyfriend. There were other reels too showing their first meeting in LDR after meeting on a dating app. At first it made me happy & smiling but I remembered something & guess what? I knew about that girl's very very bad intentions ( specially about her plan about how she would manipulate her would be boyfriend & eventually cut him off from his family)..don't ask me what & how but if i tell you.. you would ask to let the innocent man know anyhow. Well.. I dm'd that guy but only hinted indirectly for the sole purpose of humanity ( that anonymous account doesn't indicate my gender or picture ). I also wrote that it was not my main account to signify that i was not a fake troll. To my surprise, he understood the hint & even elaborated a bit & replied that such things may already be happening & he won't fell into such traps. He thanked me & said I could also come from my main account. I didn't think much & followed him from main account. He followed very very very few people but followed me back too. I decided not to talk further on this issue as he had already understood more than i hinted. But he himself thanked me again & said bad things are happening from her side & they are fighting too & he may even break up if it goes on like this. My intention was just to make him aware & at the end of the day, he is in relationship with that girl so I just replied with formal answers. I also became scared later that what if its a trap & they make me viral later picturing me as a villain. I told him this directly but he said i could trust him & he knows the situation himself & understands that I worried genuinely for him. I replied that I did this because every human is precious to their parents. Later i deleted my such texts. He said he wants to learn a language & if I could help him. I said yes. We have talked a bit since then. He seems a nice, well mannered, hardworking guy. Once my closest friend asked me to describe a guy very particularly i would like to go on few dates with just once. So I told her that all nice guys but if you ask me very specifically then a fine guy with this one particular characteristic & of this particular country. & He fulfils both. I have started to like him. It's not a dreamy crush. Believe me. I know what that is. It's more like I would like to get to know him & go on coffee date sometime. But obviously I won't take any step because - i can't even take first step in befriending someone & no matter what, there is a girl in his life. But I think if it would be good or bad if i totally give up on texting him. I can't carry on with short talks.. i am not that of a conversation expert. There is a bit of language barrier too. He likes my stories..only the ones in which i am present. But currently I am focused on important things so I don't even have much to post. He rarely posts his pictures...just work sort of stuff.
Please don't think me as a *%## waiting for breakup. It's never my intention ever for anyone. I annoyed you by telling about the way i am to show that i just don't wanna regret anything from now on because of introvertedness or naivety or whatever & I am afraid that I might mess it up even if something happens further. I have lost precious friends in the past due to this self inferiority complex & not being able to keep on the conversation & understanding their references later on. Since, I know i have to be better.. should i just keep working on my life & myself till I make myself deserving?
What should I do? Should I just keep liking his posts and be silent... or... I can think of no other option. That's why I am here.
submitted by Shreson to women [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:23 alTeee90 Being a walking L has made me religious

These past 2 years have been brutal, it's been L after L with no break.
I feel like a mouse in a maze that every time it approaches the exit is dragged back to the start by a hand from the sky.
It doesn't matter how much I try, the outcome is always the worst possible one.
I've gone from agnostic to full on believer because I don't think someone can be this unlucky without some almighty being involved in it.
I now fully believe God exists and either:
  1. He is actively punishing me
  2. He has left me stranded
   
Will keep it short since I know you hoes like reading this kind of shit:
 
Around 2 years ago I was leasing a horse, and giving it my all, I was earning an entry-level salary in a comfy remote work living with my parents. Keeping the horse was costing me pretty much my full salary. I didn't go out and did anything except lifting, running, riding and working.
For almost a year I was the happiest I had ever been, I literally jumped out of bed excited to live the day, I would work 8-4, lift in my home gym and go visit my horse, either riding, or just being with him, during the time I had him I didn't go a single day without seeing him.
Of course living like this means that I don't have the most social life or friends circle, but I didn't care since every hour of my life was busy.
My plan for the year was training and competing and then in September changing jobs and buying the horse, but in July the horse was injured, I didn't get the best veterinary advice and didn't know what to do, I was being drained for a horse I couldn't even ride or enjoy, after all those months of hard work and discipline, for some reason the owner got mad, and petty sold him behind my back.
During this time, my highschool best friend started regaining contact and started meeting with me and his gf, they gave me a lot of support during those weeks, against all odds, I nailed an interview for a high-paying job that would've allowed me to buy the horse and maintain it comfortably.
I was still too hurt from what had happened, so I just chilled for a few months, saving money, and hanging out with my friend and his gf, and lifting and running, I was at my physical peak, I was lifting heavier than ever, running faster and longer, I was optimistic for the future, I just needed time to heal and I had the means to do so, social life, earning money and physical activity.
 
Fast forward to December and I receive a cryptic message from my friend's GF saying that she wasn't going to be here for my birthday (we met the previous day) because my dumbass friend just broke up with her.
That basically destroyed my little social life since they were living in the city, and my friend disappeared to be with his new GF.
I tried to comfort her and be there for her (wasn't attracted and even if I were it wouldn't be right to take advantage of the situation).
The months of just working and lifting allowed me to save enough to start looking to buy my own horse, I was still hurting from the whole situation, and being alone, but still I was just lifting heavy, running, walking my dog, keeping myself busy.
In February after trying and vetting some horses, I found one that seemed promising. I bought a very expensive veterinary exam, and he passed it, allegedly, I buy the horse.
 
Long story short, barely 3 weeks into ownership, I started noticing pain and weird stuff that shouldn't be happening since I started with very soft work, a few weeks of going through 3 different vets, and basically the horse had a life-long injury that the first vet didn't catch in the exam, and basically it was done for, I was devastated, I tried some solutions but they we're not effective, it was over.
During those months, my friend's ex-gf started coming to visit me, we slept together (no sex), we talked every day, I gave her presents, one would say what I did was love bombing her, but to me It was just being there giving support, for her it turned into a situationship.
I still had the horse, I couldn't selling him while he was untrained, and I still had a bit of faith in the vet's advice, and then, suddenly, my knee started hurting, I was lucky that in my new job I had private insurance, so I could immediately go to the orthopedist and do an MRI without the long ass waits of the public health care (up to a year for the MRI), and lo and behold, torn meniscus, it rapidly went from "pain while running" to "some days I can't even fucking walk", I had to stop riding, paying my trainer to ride my horse since I needed to sell him, I had to stop running, I had to stop doing any leg gym exercises.
I didn't want to do the surgery since what I read online was very contradictory.
 
Because shit can always get worse, one day I was alone with my parents (we also live with my brother and grandma), and I notice the vibes being off, I ask ā€œwhat the fuck is your problem?ā€ and they confess that my father doesnā€™t like my mom anymore, well, not to get into too much detail but since then Iā€™ve had to endure watching my mom cry, they get into arguments all the time, just awful, thing is I was already so drained from my personal bullshit that after the initial shock, It didnā€™t pain me too much, they just keep living together, although I hear them arguing from time to time.
During those months my ex-friendā€™s ex-gf kept catching feelings for me, and my autistic ass couldn't really read the situation so I made it worse. Finally she asked me if I was going serious with her or if she could go on about her life. I said that I didn't see her as my partner, and since then she got a boyfriend and our friendship went to shit.
 
I finally sold the horse, my life got extremely bored.
I decided to do the surgery since I couldn't do any of the things I enjoyed, running, riding, whatever, but I had a trip in January with her so I had to postpone it until then, for those months all I could do was going for walks like an old man, and hit the gym (all chest no legs), I was going kinda hard tho, since I knew that during the months of recovery I would lose a lot of muscle and I wanted to go in my best form, during those months I acquired my best physique ever, for the first time, after years of being constant, I liked how my body looked.
The trip was a mistake, she nagged me every minute of it, I could tell she had only gone because it was already paid for, I had postponed the surgery 2 months just to have a horrible weekend.
 
I did the surgery and the first bad news came, they couldn't fix the broken part of the meniscus, so they took it out, this was the worst possible outcome since it would mean a shorter recovery, but the probabilities of arthritis in the future were higher, off to a good start.
2 weeks later I start going to rehab, during those weeks nobody came to visit me, well, my friend did, only to talk shit on his new coworker (during those months he would only message me to talk shit about coworkers or work), nobody else, not the situationship, not my trainer, nobody.
Speaking about the situationship, after the trip, she stopped messaging me, and even replying at all. I thought, well, there it goes, Iā€™ve lost ā€œnot being an unopened chatā€ privilege.
Some boring months of rehab, working the job that I started to dread, and doing the boring ass knee exercises at home, and then, suddenly a glimmer of hope.
 
I start being treated by a ā€œnewā€ physio, but turns out she had been on sick leave for the same reason as me, she tore her meniscus, during those first 3-4 sessions we talked and talked for the whole hour, she was just perfect, around my age, funny, cute, was active, played sports, had a nice body, she lives like 5 minutes walk from my house.
I immediately fell in love like I had never before in my life, and thatā€™s when it came to me, this was it, every bad thing that happened to me has come to this, to meeting this girl, everything made sense, If I had my surgery earlier I would not have met her because she would be on sick leave. My broken meniscus, my lame horse, every bad thing that had happened to me had led me to her.
So I take my autistic ass, and since I felt like we had something cool going on I ask ā€œHey, I think youā€™re very interesting and cute and would like to know you better, can I have your number so we can meet and go for a drink some day?ā€ and she actually did give it to me, I asked for her number instead of her IG because I didnā€™t want to play any game, I thought she wouldnā€™t give me her number unless she was interested in me, I was ecstatic.
I start texting her and after refusing to meet a few times (with actually convincing excuses) I ask her ā€œHey if you don't want its fine I won't bother you anymore, just tell meā€ and she basically told me that she didnā€™t want to break the physio-patient barrier, I didnā€™t understand anything but I didnā€™t want to make it weirder since she is still treating me so I just accepted it.
 
The thing is, I know where she lives, I have to walk past her apartment whenever I go for a walk, drive to town, I get reminded constantly, moving on is very hard, I really thought she was for me, I thought she was finally the reward for all my suffering, but turns out she's just part of the punishment, I legit had a religious revelation, every single bad thing that had happened, God made it so I went and met her, my knee injury, having to sell the horse, losing my friends, no way it was a coincidence.
 
Now that I know that she is not for me, not even as a friend, I have nothing, the knee recovery is not going well, I was supposed to be a-ok in 6 weeks, Itā€™s been 3 months and I still canā€™t even go for a walk without swelling and pain, I canā€™t workout because the knee exercises take a long ass time and I feel like theyā€™re not doing shit, I donā€™t have friends to meet and take my mind off it, every few weeks I have to see my mum weeping around the house because my father is a piece of shit.
 
And to top it all, I just started having similar pain in the good knee, so there is a possibility that even If I hadnā€™t done shit, it may be injured too, this shit just doesnā€™t end, it just fucking never ends.
     
TLDR: Everything that has ever given me pleasure or made me happy has been taken away from me. I went from getting out of bed full of hope and enthusiasm to sleeping through my alarms because the only thing I can do is sit in front of a screen. Iā€™ve been having the worst day of my life every day for the past 2 years, after everything Iā€™ve worked hard for and all the sacrifices Iā€™ve made.
submitted by alTeee90 to rspod [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:22 alTeee90 Being a walking L has made me religious

These past 2 years have been brutal, it's been L after L with no break.
I feel like a mouse in a maze that every time it approaches the exit is dragged back to the start by a hand from the sky.
It doesn't matter how much I try, the outcome is always the worst possible one.
I've gone from agnostic to full on believer because I don't think someone can be this unlucky without some almighty being involved in it.
I now fully believe God exists and either:
  1. He is actively punishing me
  2. He has left me stranded
   
Will keep it short since I know you hoes like reading this kind of shit:
 
Around 2 years ago I was leasing a horse, and giving it my all, I was earning an entry-level salary in a comfy remote work living with my parents. Keeping the horse was costing me pretty much my full salary. I didn't go out and did anything except lifting, running, riding and working.
For almost a year I was the happiest I had ever been, I literally jumped out of bed excited to live the day, I would work 8-4, lift in my home gym and go visit my horse, either riding, or just being with him, during the time I had him I didn't go a single day without seeing him.
Of course living like this means that I don't have the most social life or friends circle, but I didn't care since every hour of my life was busy.
My plan for the year was training and competing and then in September changing jobs and buying the horse, but in July the horse was injured, I didn't get the best veterinary advice and didn't know what to do, I was being drained for a horse I couldn't even ride or enjoy, after all those months of hard work and discipline, for some reason the owner got mad, and petty sold him behind my back.
During this time, my highschool best friend started regaining contact and started meeting with me and his gf, they gave me a lot of support during those weeks, against all odds, I nailed an interview for a high-paying job that would've allowed me to buy the horse and maintain it comfortably.
I was still too hurt from what had happened, so I just chilled for a few months, saving money, and hanging out with my friend and his gf, and lifting and running, I was at my physical peak, I was lifting heavier than ever, running faster and longer, I was optimistic for the future, I just needed time to heal and I had the means to do so, social life, earning money and physical activity.
 
Fast forward to December and I receive a cryptic message from my friend's GF saying that she wasn't going to be here for my birthday (we met the previous day) because my dumbass friend just broke up with her.
That basically destroyed my little social life since they were living in the city, and my friend disappeared to be with his new GF.
I tried to comfort her and be there for her (wasn't attracted and even if I were it wouldn't be right to take advantage of the situation).
The months of just working and lifting allowed me to save enough to start looking to buy my own horse, I was still hurting from the whole situation, and being alone, but still I was just lifting heavy, running, walking my dog, keeping myself busy.
In February after trying and vetting some horses, I found one that seemed promising. I bought a very expensive veterinary exam, and he passed it, allegedly, I buy the horse.
 
Long story short, barely 3 weeks into ownership, I started noticing pain and weird stuff that shouldn't be happening since I started with very soft work, a few weeks of going through 3 different vets, and basically the horse had a life-long injury that the first vet didn't catch in the exam, and basically it was done for, I was devastated, I tried some solutions but they we're not effective, it was over.
During those months, my friend's ex-gf started coming to visit me, we slept together (no sex), we talked every day, I gave her presents, one would say what I did was love bombing her, but to me It was just being there giving support, for her it turned into a situationship.
I still had the horse, I couldn't selling him while he was untrained, and I still had a bit of faith in the vet's advice, and then, suddenly, my knee started hurting, I was lucky that in my new job I had private insurance, so I could immediately go to the orthopedist and do an MRI without the long ass waits of the public health care (up to a year for the MRI), and lo and behold, torn meniscus, it rapidly went from "pain while running" to "some days I can't even fucking walk", I had to stop riding, paying my trainer to ride my horse since I needed to sell him, I had to stop running, I had to stop doing any leg gym exercises.
I didn't want to do the surgery since what I read online was very contradictory.
 
Because shit can always get worse, one day I was alone with my parents (we also live with my brother and grandma), and I notice the vibes being off, I ask ā€œwhat the fuck is your problem?ā€ and they confess that my father doesnā€™t like my mom anymore, well, not to get into too much detail but since then Iā€™ve had to endure watching my mom cry, they get into arguments all the time, just awful, thing is I was already so drained from my personal bullshit that after the initial shock, It didnā€™t pain me too much, they just keep living together, although I hear them arguing from time to time.
During those months my ex-friendā€™s ex-gf kept catching feelings for me, and my autistic ass couldn't really read the situation so I made it worse. Finally she asked me if I was going serious with her or if she could go on about her life. I said that I didn't see her as my partner, and since then she got a boyfriend and our friendship went to shit.
 
I finally sold the horse, my life got extremely bored.
I decided to do the surgery since I couldn't do any of the things I enjoyed, running, riding, whatever, but I had a trip in January with her so I had to postpone it until then, for those months all I could do was going for walks like an old man, and hit the gym (all chest no legs), I was going kinda hard tho, since I knew that during the months of recovery I would lose a lot of muscle and I wanted to go in my best form, during those months I acquired my best physique ever, for the first time, after years of being constant, I liked how my body looked.
The trip was a mistake, she nagged me every minute of it, I could tell she had only gone because it was already paid for, I had postponed the surgery 2 months just to have a horrible weekend.
 
I did the surgery and the first bad news came, they couldn't fix the broken part of the meniscus, so they took it out, this was the worst possible outcome since it would mean a shorter recovery, but the probabilities of arthritis in the future were higher, off to a good start.
2 weeks later I start going to rehab, during those weeks nobody came to visit me, well, my friend did, only to talk shit on his new coworker (during those months he would only message me to talk shit about coworkers or work), nobody else, not the situationship, not my trainer, nobody.
Speaking about the situationship, after the trip, she stopped messaging me, and even replying at all. I thought, well, there it goes, Iā€™ve lost ā€œnot being an unopened chatā€ privilege.
Some boring months of rehab, working the job that I started to dread, and doing the boring ass knee exercises at home, and then, suddenly a glimmer of hope.
 
I start being treated by a ā€œnewā€ physio, but turns out she had been on sick leave for the same reason as me, she tore her meniscus, during those first 3-4 sessions we talked and talked for the whole hour, she was just perfect, around my age, funny, cute, was active, played sports, had a nice body, she lives like 5 minutes walk from my house.
I immediately fell in love like I had never before in my life, and thatā€™s when it came to me, this was it, every bad thing that happened to me has come to this, to meeting this girl, everything made sense, If I had my surgery earlier I would not have met her because she would be on sick leave. My broken meniscus, my lame horse, every bad thing that had happened to me had led me to her.
So I take my autistic ass, and since I felt like we had something cool going on I ask ā€œHey, I think youā€™re very interesting and cute and would like to know you better, can I have your number so we can meet and go for a drink some day?ā€ and she actually did give it to me, I asked for her number instead of her IG because I didnā€™t want to play any game, I thought she wouldnā€™t give me her number unless she was interested in me, I was ecstatic.
I start texting her and after refusing to meet a few times (with actually convincing excuses) I ask her ā€œHey if you don't want its fine I won't bother you anymore, just tell meā€ and she basically told me that she didnā€™t want to break the physio-patient barrier, I didnā€™t understand anything but I didnā€™t want to make it weirder since she is still treating me so I just accepted it.
 
The thing is, I know where she lives, I have to walk past her apartment whenever I go for a walk, drive to town, I get reminded constantly, moving on is very hard, I really thought she was for me, I thought she was finally the reward for all my suffering, but turns out she's just part of the punishment, I legit had a religious revelation, every single bad thing that had happened, God made it so I went and met her, my knee injury, having to sell the horse, losing my friends, no way it was a coincidence.
 
Now that I know that she is not for me, not even as a friend, I have nothing, the knee recovery is not going well, I was supposed to be a-ok in 6 weeks, Itā€™s been 3 months and I still canā€™t even go for a walk without swelling and pain, I canā€™t workout because the knee exercises take a long ass time and I feel like theyā€™re not doing shit, I donā€™t have friends to meet and take my mind off it, every few weeks I have to see my mum weeping around the house because my father is a piece of shit.
 
And to top it all, I just started having similar pain in the good knee, so there is a possibility that even If I hadnā€™t done shit, it may be injured too, this shit just doesnā€™t end, it just fucking never ends.
     
TLDR: Everything that has ever given me pleasure or made me happy has been taken away from me. I went from getting out of bed full of hope and enthusiasm to sleeping through my alarms because the only thing I can do is sit in front of a screen. Iā€™ve been having the worst day of my life every day for the past 2 years, after everything Iā€™ve worked hard for and all the sacrifices Iā€™ve made.
submitted by alTeee90 to redscarepod [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:20 oh_holy_cannoli Blurb feedback?

Hi! I'm hoping for some feedback on my blurb for my debut novel. It is in final edits right now and I'll be looking to start ARC reviews soon. It will be first in a series.
Title: The Last Thing She Wants
*******************
Sometimes the last thing you want may be the one thing you need.
Ellie Branson learned this lesson with a bang.
In this small-town spicy romantic comedy, two friends by fate fall hard just as one swore off loveā€¦at least for a little.
Ellie Branson had had it. Starting over, she decided it was about time to focus on herself. That was, until the cute guy across the hall came crashing into her life. Oh, and did she mention he also walked in on her ex cheating on her? On a journey of self-discovery, Ellie learns who she is, and most importantly, what she needs.
Theo Emerson, the resident hottie professor at Chestnut Hills Community College, just wanted to help. Instead, he walked in on a romp in the apartment package roomā€¦at least that meant his crush was single now. The only problem was that she wanted nothing to do with his heart-on-a-plater ways.
Fate pushes boundaries and they find themselves in each otherā€™s worlds once again when Ellie is assigned a new project at the local community college. Her partner? Professor Emerson, himself.
With friends, music, a little bit of frisky fun, and help from the Speedwalking Gang, Theo and Ellie navigate what they mean to each other.
You will swoon and sweat, finding here a happy ending with humor, heart, and plenty of spicy, steamy, heat.
submitted by oh_holy_cannoli to romanceauthors [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 15:01 ibid-11962 Writing and Publishing Eragon [Post Murtagh Christopher Paolini Q&A Wrap Up #6]

As discussed in the first post, this is my ongoing compilation of the remaining questions Christopher has answered online between August 1st 2023 and April 30th 2024 which I've not already covered in other compilations.
As always, questions are sorted by topic, and each Q&A is annotated with a bracketed source number. Links to every source used and to the other parts of this compilation will be provided in a comment below.
The previous post focused on details about the writing of Murtagh. This installment will focus on The Writing and Publication of Eragon, including the early abandoned starts and drafts the preceded the self-published version and Christopher's journey towards getting traditionally published. In this post the topics are arranged in almost a chronological order. The next post will focus on the writing of the Fractalverse, and so will be posted on /Fractalverse.

Writing and Publishing Eragon

The Original Idea
[When I start to write a new book] I have an image. Thereā€™s always a strong emotional component to the image, and itā€™s that emotion that I want to convey to readers. Everything I do after that, all of the worldbuilding, plotting, characterization, writing, and editingā€”all of itā€”is done with the goal of evoking the desired reaction from readers. In the case of the Inheritance Cycle, the image was that of a young man finding a dragon egg (and later having the dragon as a friend). [10]
Who's your favorite character to write? Well, for me, it's the dragon Saphira. She's the reason I got into writing a dragon. She came first? She came before Eragon? Like she was the catalyst? The relationship came first, her and Eragon. [33]
I was specifically inspired by a YA book called Jeremy Thatcher Dragon Hatcher by Bruce Coville, which is a delightful book. I just loved that idea so much of finding a dragon egg, I was like, "Well, what sort of a world would a dragon come from?" And I knew I wanted the sort of bond between rider and dragon that Anne McCaffrey had, but I wanted the intelligence of the dragons that you find elsewhere, and the language and the magic. And I wanted sparkly scales because it just seemed like dragons are fabulous creatures and they ought to have sparkly scales. That's the fun thing about writing your own books. You can make them exactly the way you want to make them, and hopefully then that appeals to the audience as well. [30]
All of that kind of was swirling around in my head, and I wanted to write about dragons in a way that kind of combined a lot of elements in a way that, "I like this", and "I like this piece", and "I like this piece", but I kind of wanted to have all these different pieces in one type of dragon, and no one had quite done it exactly the way I wanted. [30]
I live in Montana, and our library is an old Carnegie or Rockefeller library, and especially back in the 90s, it didn't have that many books. So once I read all the fantasy in the library, I thought I had read all the fantasy there was to read. Because I was not the smartest kid in the world sometimes. And I kind of thought, "Well, it's the library. They have all the books that exist, right? All the books that matter are in the library." And I really had no idea what to read after that. So I decided to start writing myself and to try and write the sort of story that I would enjoy reading. And of course, what I enjoyed reading was books about flying on dragons and fighting monsters and having adventures. [35]
Reading and literature was always important in our family. My father's mother was a professor of comparative literature and wrote books on Dante and all sorts of stuff like that. Was the myths and folklore part of your life at this time? Yes, but I should clarify that it wasn't formally introduced to me. It was in the house. People weren't wandering around talking about. It was just like the Aeneid is sitting on the shelf. I would go read things. I have a great uncle. He's 90 now, my mother's uncle. Guy is still sharp as a tack. It's amazing. But he gave me a set of cassette tapes of Joseph Campbell, who did Hero of a Thousand Faces. So that was my exposure to his theories of the monomyth and the eternal hero and all sorts of things like that. That got me very much interested in and thinking about the origins of the fantasy that I was reading because I was reading Tolkien and David Eddings and Anne McCaffrey and Raymond Feist and Jane Yolan and Andre Norton and Brian Jaques, and all of these you know authors who were popular at the time. I was very curious where does this come from. Tolkien, of course, felt like sort of the origin in a lot of cases but then I was discovering that, there are earlier stories that even Tolkien was drawing from. That was really a revelation to me. I really sort of got enamored with it. A lot of fantasy is nostalgic and that appealed to me because I was homeschooled and my family didn't really have a lot of relatives in the area, so I felt very unmoored from the rest of society. I think I was looking for a sense of tradition or continuity with the past and fantasy helped provide that. That's an incredibly articulate thought for a 15-year-old author. Or has that come with age? No, it was something I was feeling at the time. You were conscious of it at the time? Well, listening to the Joseph Campbell stuff, I was looking: Where are our coming of age traditions? Where is the great quest to go on to prove yourself as a young adult, as a man? Where's the great adventure? What do I do in life? Those are all things that are part of the adolescent experience and always have been which is why so many mythic stories about coming of age deal with those questions. I think it's a universal thing. That's why Harry Potter, Eragon, Twilight, all of these have appealed so much because they deal with adolescence. They deal with finding your place in the world as an adult when you're starting as a young adult or a child. [28]
What games have taught you to be a better writer either in creating characters or worldbuilding or plotting even? All of my gaming experience was computer games, video games. One that had a huge influence on me was the old Myst series. Personally I love solving puzzles, so that's the first thing. And also the concept of the series, especially with the second game, Riven, it's all based around people writing books that create new worlds. And you get to go in them and solve puzzles and understand how that world works. And that just tickled every single part of my brain back in the day. Now, I'm going to be slightly unkind here, and I apologize if the author [David Wingrove] is listening to this, but there were a couple of novels based off of Myst. And I was such a fan of the series that I got the books, and I started reading them. And my first thought was, "I could do better than this." And so I decided to rewrite the first Myst novel. And I created a document in MS Word, and I got exactly three sentences into my rewrite. And I thought to myself, "okay, I think I can do this, but I could never sell it. So I better go write something of my own." And the next thing I did was Eragon. So video games kind of had a direct influence on me writing. But actually reading something that I felt was not particularly successful was such an inspiration. Because it was like, "this got published, I know I can at least get to this level." And it was published. And then maybe I can shoot for a little bit higher. [pause] I think some people have had that experience with Eragon. [26]

Early Abandoned Starts

I had the original idea, the concept of boy finding dragon egg, and I tried writing a couple of very short versions of Eragon when I was fourteen, and none of them panned out so I stopped writing for a while. [28]
Real World Version
What do you remember about the early days of writing ā€œEragon?ā€ Originally, Eragon was named Kevin and the story was set in the real world. But I only finished around 10 pages. [16]
I wrote three versions of Eragon before I wrote the version that had the unicorn, which was the first major draft. The first version was set in the real world, and that's why he's named Kevin. And the reason it was set in the real world is I was inspired by Jeremy Thatcher Dragon Hatcher, which is set in the real world. [32]
I was specifically inspired by a book called Jeremy Thatcher Dragon Hatcher by Bruce Coville. By the way, Bruce knows this. If you haven't read it, it's a great book about this young man in the real world who, spoiler, goes into an antique shop and buys a stone that ends up turning out to be a dragon egg. And I really loved that idea of a stone that was actually a dragon egg and the young man becoming joined with the dragon. And so I tried writing the story. And I got exactly five pages or six pages into it and I ran into a brick wall, because a boy finding a dragon egg is a good event, but it is not a good story. And I needed to figure out what was going to happen after that. I didn't know that at first. [36]
Arya Opening Fantasy Version
But then I was going down the rabbit hole of, "Well, if there's a dragon, where did the dragon come from? What if it were an actual fantasy world where the dragons were native?" And then that led me to then write a second beginning--I didn't get very far with this--that was more of a traditional fantasy story, and it opened with Arya and a couple other elves escaping a dungeon with a big battle, and at the very end of the battle, they send the dragon egg away, and Kevin finds it. But I didn't have the rest of the story, so I stopped writing it in that format. [32]
So I tried writing a second version of the story. So the first version of that story I wrote was set in the real world. Second version was more of like a fantasy world. [36]
I had the original idea when I was fourteen. I even wrote an early version of the story where it was set in the real world. But I soon realized that it was a lot more interesting to have a dragon in a fantastical setting. [8]
Research Break
I tried writing before and I always failed because I would only get like four to six pages into a story and then I didn't know what to do next. And that was because I didn't actually have my story. All I really had were the inciting incidents, like a boy finds a dragon egg in the middle of a forest. Great. But that's not a story, that's just one event. What happens as a result? So before starting Eragon, I was very methodical about this. I read a whole bunch of books on how to write, how to plot stories. [35]
I realized I wasn't getting anywhere. And I didn't know how to do what I was trying to do. Now, fortunately for me, my parents had noticed that I was getting interested in writing. And all of a sudden, books appeared in the house. There was no comment, no one forced it, these just magically appeared, and I read them. Some of the books that were incredibly helpful to me were these books that were called The Writer's Handbook, which was a collection of essays published each year by The Writer's Digest magazine. I had one from 1998, and I had one from, I think, 1993, or something like that. And there were essays from Stephen King and John Grisham and I think Ursula Le Guin and all sorts of other authors about what it was like to be an author both professionally and creatively. And that was incredibly helpful to me because again, the internet was not a resource. But the book that really made the difference for me was a book called Story by Robert McKee. It's a book for screenwriters and it's all about the structure of story. And up until that moment, I had never really consciously thought about the fact that stories have structure and that you can control that structure for the effect on the readers. So I devoured that book and I said, okay, I'm going to try this again. [36]
Did you very much sit down and study structure and character development and etc? I did. It wasn't a formal course or anything, it's just that my parents started buying these books and they started showing up. In fact, I still have them here on my shelf. This bookcase to my right is full of research books, technical books, language books. I read a book called Story by Robert McKee, which is a screenwriting book, that was and often has been very popular in Hollywood. It's a fairly technical look at story structure. I would never say do everything he says because of course you shouldn't necessarily follow any one formula, but that book really got me thinking about the fact that stories do have structure, which I hadn't really thought about before that. And that one can control that structure, and that this gives you something to work with. Before Eragon, I tried writing a number of stories and I never got past the first four to six pages, ten pages, because I never had the plot. All I would ever have was the inciting incident which, in the case of Eragon, is a young man finds a dragon egg. Ok, fine, but that's not a story. So when I read that book, then I was like wow, so I can control the structure of this. [28]
The problem with all of my early writing was that Iā€™d get an idea and just start ā€” I didnā€™t actually have a plot. But I was a pretty methodical kid, so I started reading about how to write. Fortunately, my parents are observant, and these kinds of books magically began appearing in the house. And I read all of them. [16]
Unused Arya Outline
So at this point, I was 15, that's when I graduated from high school and I was very methodical about it because I hate failing. So I said, okay, I'm going to create a fantasy world. And I did that. And then I said, I'm gonna plot out an entire book in this fantasy world. And I did that too. And then I said, but I'm not gonna write this. This is just a thought exercise. I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna stick it in a drawer. And I still have that to this day, that world and that story, I still have it sitting in a drawer somewhere. [36]
Then I spent some time and I created an entire fantasy world and I plotted out an entire fantasy novel in that world and I did not write it. I just stuck it in a drawer and that's where it's been sitting for 25 years now. And then I just did that to prove to myself that I could plot out an entire book. [35]
Before writing Eragon, again I was very methodical even as a teenager, I created an entire fantasy world. Wrote pages and pages about the worldbuilding, and then I plotted out an entire story in that world just to prove to myself that I could plot a story, create a world, and then I didn't write it. I put it aside. I still have it all saved. Put it in a drawer. [28]

Kevin

Writing The First Full Draft
And then I decided okay now I'm going to plot out a trilogy, because all great fantasy stories are trilogies. I'm going to do it as the heroic monomyth, because that is, at least my understanding back then, is this is one of the oldest forms of stories. I know it works on a general sense. It's going to give me a safety net, and then I'm going to write the first book as a practice book just to see if I'm capable of producing something that's three, four, five hundred pages long. And that's what I did. That was about two and a half months of worldbuilding, plotting, creating this. Then I wrote the first book and that was Eragon. That was my practice book. I never actually planned on publishing Eragon. It was only after I'd put so much work into it and my parents read it that then we proceeded with it. I was aware of story structure. I continue to read lots of books on it. [28]
And then version three is the version that everyone generally knows. And that's where I spent the time to plot out the whole series before writing, because having a idea of where you're going seems to help with the writing, at least for me. Usually. [32]
I originally saw Eragon as a practice novel, which is part of why itā€™s a very typical heroā€™s story. I knew that structure worked and it gave me the safety net I needed. [16]
The first draft went super fast. It went really fast because I had no idea what I was doing. And I just wrote that sucker. I wrote the first 60 pages by hand with ballpoint pen, cause I didn't know how to type on a computer. And then by the time I typed all that into the computer, I knew how to type. I did the rest in the computer. But this was back in the day when computers were fairly new. We had a Mac classic, which only had two megabytes of RAM. And the problem is that the operating system chewed up some of that memory. And my book file was around two megabytes large. So I actually had to split the book into two because I couldn't open the whole file on the computer or the computer would crash. So I had to open half the book and then close that and then open the other half. [35]
The First Draft
Once I finished the first draft, I was super excited and I thought, "well all of these things on how to write say that you should read your own book and see if there's any tweaks you wanna make." But I was really excited because I was getting to read my own book for the first time, and I thought this is gonna be awesome. And it didn't take very long while reading it to realize that it was awful. It was horrible. And just to give you an idea of just how bad that first draft was, in the very first draft of Eragon, Eragon wasn't named Eragon, Eragon was named Kevin. And there was also a unicorn in that first draft at one point, so you know it wasn't very good. [35]
If I heard correctly as I was reading, Eragon wasn't originally called Eragon? No, in the first draft of the book he was called Kevin. There's a reason! Look I have an explanation for it, okay. The explanation is that my original inspiration was Jeremy Thatcher Dragon Hatcher which is set in the real world. The original version of Eragon that I was developing was set in the real world and when I decided that it would make more sense to have a world where the dragons were native to and switched it over to this fantasy world and began to develop that, I just kept the name that I'd been working with, which was Kevin. Naming a main character is hard, especially when you get used to a certain name. I don't want to say I was lazy. I want to focus on the world building and writing the first draft and I'll worry about the name later. [28]
There is an early version of Eragon that no one's seen, that even my editor at Random House never saw. And that was my first draft. And in that first draft, Eragon encountered a unicorn in the Beor Mountains on the way to the Varden. And the unicorn touches him and essentially affects the transformation that he goes under during the blood oath ceremony with the elves in the second book, in Eldest. And his whole storyline with the Varden once he gets to Farthen Dƻr is completely different because now he has these abilities and he and a team of people ends up getting sent on a scouting mission in the dwarven tunnels to go find the Urgal army and then they have to flee back through the tunnels to warn everyone of this huge army and I had a underground cave full of lava, and multiple shades, and a huge Urgal army. There was there was a lot of dramatic stuff. Finding the Ra'zac in Dras-Leona was completely different. This is the draft where Eragon was named Kevin. [32]
I haven't thought about that version in ages. I think Arya was awake all the way from Gil'ead to Farthen Dƻr in that version. That's right, I had to completely rewrite that. It's an unpleasant ride for her. No, no, no, she was awake and healed. She was awake. That's right, God, I had to rewrite most of the last chunk of the book now that I think back, it's been a long time. [32]
The worst thing is, I think Kevin would actually take a larger budget [to adapt to film]. No, stop. Why would Kevin take a larger budget? Because the battles were bigger, there was more stuff going on. Seriously, there were more creatures, more travel. Yeah, I think Kevin would actually take more money than Eragon. [32]
You said that Eragon's name was originally Kevin. Was Eragon's name originally Kevin? It was. And I really regret I didn't stick with it because I think that as many books as I've sold, the series would have been at least twice as successful if it had been about the adventures of the great dragon writer Kevin. Especially just seeing Kevin on the front cover. Imagine the appeal to the modern youth. Kevin the dragon writer. I mean Eragon, it's confusing with Aragorn. Oregano. Oregon. But Kevin, Kevin stands out, Kevin's original. That's why I had to move away from it. [31]
Releasing the Kevin Cut
So do you wanna share some of those drafts with us, Christopher? Just kidding. Well, I actually had a fan reach out to me. He's one of the big members of the online fan community on Reddit and elsewhere. And he's kind of interested in some of these early versions from almost an archivist point of view, a scholarly point of view. Which is certainly an interesting idea. I mean, there is an early version of Eragon that no one's seen, that even my editor at Random House never saw. ... I cannot describe how much the Internet absolutely needs for you to put out an edition of Eragon that just says Kevin. Should this be like Mistborn or Way of Kings Prime? This is the Kevin edition of Eragon. The Kevin cut. Oh my god. It's "Eragon: Kevin's Version". ... We absolutely need Kevin's Version of Eragon. That's something we need. It's bad. It's bad. Look, there are certainly people who can look at Eragon, the version we have now, and say, "we can tell this was a younger writer." I look at it and I can tell. I could do so much more now with the material than I could then. But if you think that about the published version of Eragon, man, if you saw the unpublished version, the early version, it really is the raw writing of a homeschooled 15-year-old, who wrote a 500 page book about Kevin. I don't know, the internet is very unhinged these days. They would love this. It needs to exist somewhere on the internet. [32]

Publishing

Editing
So I wrote Eragon, and then I read the first draft and it wasn't particularly good, so I spent a good chunk of a year rewriting it as best as I could. I didn't know what I was doing but I was trying. I've heard it said that being displeased with your own work is actually a good thing because it means you know what is good work, and if you're not happy with your work because it's not good, it means you could at least have a goal to shoot for. If you read your work and you're like this is the best thing that's ever been written, you're never going to get any better. [28]
But I could see that the book needed work, so I decided to try to fix it as best I could, and I spent the better part of that year revising, rewriting, changing Kevin to Eragon. And then I gave the book to my parents and fortunately for me, they actually enjoyed what I had done. And they said, we think you have something, let's try to take it out into the world and see if anyone else wants to read it. [35]
Self-publishing
[We] decided to self-publish the book as a joint venture since we didn't know anyone in the publishing world. That was again a good chunk of a year where we were editing the book as best the three of us could. Preparing it for publication, formatting, I drew the cover. [28]
Now you have to understand, my parents were always self-employed, have always been self-employed and we were always looking for things we could work on together as a family business. And Eragon was like the perfect opportunity for that. They'd had some experience self-publishing a couple of small educational books my mom had worked on. Because she was a trained Montessori teacher, and so she was trying to use that expertise to write some material herself. But I don't even think we sold 100 copies of those. So we spent another good chunk of a year preparing the book for publication with doing more editing, doing the layout, designing the cover. [35]
The first set of 50 books showed up while we were watching Roman Polanski's Macbeth, which seemed fitting because those first 50 books were all miscut from the printer. And as a result, we had to rip the covers off, send them back for credit from the printer, and then burn the insides of the books. So we had a proper book burning in our yard, and I actually saved some of those burnt pages just as a memory of that event. [35]
Self publishing wasnā€™t as viable then as a pathway to a career as an author as it is today. Why did it work for you? Everything completely changed because of e-readers. If you wanted to read an e-book, you had to have a PDF on your computer. There were no distribution systems like Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Back then, the lowest amount you could print and not have the book be too expensive was probably about 10,000 copies. But we were fortunate because print-on-demand had just become a thing, so books were just printed as needed. Self publishing is a lot easier these days. Of course, todayā€™s marketplace is a lot more crowded as a result. [16]
Promotion
My family and I were going around the western half of the United States with the self-published edition of Eragon. I was cold calling schools, libraries, and bookstores to set up events. I was doing two to three one-hour long presentations every single day for months on end at various times. You have to understand that because my parents were self-employed, the time they took to help prepare Eragon for publication was time they weren't working on other freelance projects that would have been bringing in money. So by the time we actually had Eragon printed and in hand, if it had taken another two to three months to start turning a profit, we were going to have to sell our house, move to a city, and get any jobs we could. Because of that financial pressure I was willing to do things I probably would have been too uncomfortable to do otherwise. Like doing all those presentations. [28]
We were doing a lot of self-promotion. I was cold calling schools and libraries and talking them into letting me do presentations. And that worked pretty well because the librarians could take pre-orders for us. If we went into a bookstore, by hand selling, I could maybe sell anywhere between 13 to 40 books in a day. 42 was like the best I ever did, but usually it was around 15 or so books, which just didn't cover printing costs and travel and food and all of that. But going into the schools, we were doing about 300 books a day, which was excellent. [34]
Can you tell me a little bit about how you and your family self-published the first Eragon book and what marketing strategies you did? Oh, it was all nepotism, you know. I wouldn't have gotten published without my parents. There's nothing as powerful as a publishing company that's four people sitting around a kitchen table in the middle of rural Montana. So yeah, without Nepotism, I wouldn't have gotten published. You have to embrace something like Nepotism if you really wanna succeed in today's world. In fact, people don't realize that you actually get a Nepotism card. There's a secret club. You go to New York and there's huge network opportunities. There's branches of the club everywhere, especially strong in Hollywood, of course, in music. Taylor Swift is an example. So if you can get into the nepotism club, I won't say you're guaranteed success, but you got about 80% chance of actually making it that you wouldn't have otherwise. Do you think your mom and dad would be willing to be my mom and dad? No, absolutely not. No, no. You don't have brown hair, so it doesn't work. You have to have brown hair to be a Paolini. Okay, I'll try to find a different way in, I guess. [31]
Getting traditionally published
So you were very much looking for that partnership? Well we were wary. But the thing is is we were selling enough copies of Eragon that to scale it up we were going to have to start duplicating all the things that a regular publisher does. We were actually looking at partnering with a book packager or a book distributor just to get more copies out. To do everything a traditional publisher could do for me was a huge amount of work so it made sense to pair with Random House or someone else at that point. But it was still nerve-wracking because the book was being a success and then handing it off to another company, we didn't know if it was just going to end up in the remainder bin two weeks after it came out. [28]
People in the book world were starting to take notice because of course, if you've been to public school, you may remember the Scholastic Book Fairs and all of the Scholastic reps in the different schools were seeing me come to the schools and selling these books and hearing the kids talk about it. And it was getting attention. So we would have gotten a publisher, I would have gotten a publisher eventually. [34]
The book sold enough copies and bounced around enough that we'd heard that Scholasticā€”because Scholastic does all the Book Fairs in schools in the USā€”was interested and that we might get an offer from them. Before that happened though... [34]
Eventually another author by the name of Carl Hiaasen ended up buying a copy of the self-published edition of Eragon in a local bookstore. Which now that I'm older, I'm rather shocked at because it takes a lot to get me to buy a self-published book. It's got to look really good. [35]
Carl Hiaasen wrote the young adult book Hoot as well as many adult books. He comes up to Montana, I think he's got a vacation home here in the valley, but he was up here fly fishing and he bought a copy of Eragon for his then 12 year old son, Ryan. And fortunately for me, Ryan liked the book and Carl recommended it to Random House and it sort of bounced around among the editors for a couple of months before my editor-to-be grabbed it and said, "Yes, we will. I want to take a chance on this teenage author and we're going to offer him money for a trilogy that only exists in his head and see what happens." [34]
How did you find an agent? We had the offer from Random House, and like two days later, we had the offer from Scholastic. And so we knew we didn't know what we didn't know. My dad participated in some online self-publishing forum sort of thing. So he posted up a question and said, look, this is the situation we're in. Does anyone have any advice? And another one of the members said, "well, I was just at this publishing writing conference and there was this young agent there and I was really impressed with his presentation, or him talking about the industry." So my dad got his information online and did what you're never supposed to do, which is he called the agent directly and left this long rambling voicemail message because it was lunchtime in New York and you take your lunch breaks in New York. And only at the end of the message did he say, "oh, yes, and by the way, we have two competing offers from two publishing houses." And when I asked him, I said, "why did you do that?" He said, "well, because if he's any good as an agent, he's going to listen to the whole message before he deletes it." And we found out later that he nearly deleted the message. Because my dad started off like, "I got this teenage son, and he's written this book", and yeah, that, OK. So it was like two hours later we got a call from Simon. And Simon said overnight me a copy of Eragon and if I like it I'll represent you. And Simon has been my agent for 21 years now. [34]
It was a big risk for Random House. And it was a big risk for me because the book was successful, self-published, and we knew that giving it to a publisher, you lose the rights to a degree, and most books don't turn a profit, and it could have just ended up in the remainder bin. So what really worked in my favor is that Random House, and specifically Random House Children's Books, and specifically the imprint of Knopf, which is where I'm at were looking for their own Harry Potter, essentially. Scholastic was publishing Harry Potter. And Scholastic also gave me an offer for Eragon, but I could tell that Random House was the one that really loved the book and Scholastic was doing it because they thought it was a good business opportunity. Scholastic actually offered more money than Random House. But I went with Random House and it was the right choice. And I found out after the fact that Chip Gibson who was the head of the children's department at the time basically chose to use Eragon as sort of something to rally the troops and put the entire children's division behind it, and I was the very fortunate recipient of that love and attention. Which of course would only get you so far if people didn't enjoy reading the book. But fortunately for me, they did a great job marketing it and then people actually enjoyed the book. Which is why when people ask me how to get published, it's like, what am I supposed to say? The answer ultimately is you write a book that people want to read, and that's a facile answer, but it is true. If people want to read it, it makes everything else easier. The agent wants you, the publishers want you, and ultimately the public wants you. [34]
And I didn't realize how much was behind that email, because large publishers do not just casually say, "hey, we want to publish your book". There was a whole plan there, and they had a plan. And so they did. Eragon came out and then I had to figure out how to write a book with everyone expecting the sequel. [36]
So you kind of went and peddled your books at schools, as I understand, right? It seems to have paid off though, because it eventually landed in the hands of bestselling author Carl Hiaasen, but not right away. First, your book got in the hands of his stepson, and the kid liked it so much that he told Hiaasen about it, who then got Eragon fast-tracked with Penguin Random House. I really admire the way that you went for the weakest links, manipulating the minds of our youth and using them to shill your book for you. It's a tried and true marketing strategy from Girl Scout Cookies to coupon books, and I applaud you for your ingenuity. My biggest question here is, do you pay Carl Hiaasen's stepson the agent royalties he so rightfully deserves? He tried to collect one time, but I had to hire a couple of guys to drive him off. But, no, you always go for the weakest link. Back when I was self-published and all that I even tried to get Eragon reviewed by Entertainment Weekly, so I called up the subscription number on the back of the magazine and told them I'd made a mistake and asked them to transfer me over to corporate, and managed to get right to their book reviewer and tried to talk him into reviewing Eragon. So you always go for, as you said, the weakest link. Which is corporate. Ryan, Carl's son, though, yeah, I probably owe him a ridiculous amount of royalties. I'd say so. He made you. Oh, he did, absolutely. Without him, I'd be nothing. I guess the lesson here for aspiring authors is that it's not really about finding your target audience, necessarily. You just have to find your target prolific author's stepson and let the kid take it from there. Yeah, absolutely. As I said, that's part of the nepotism package. The sort of networking inside the industry. This is the stuff that you can never access otherwise, and you'll never get published otherwise. So it's not like you can just grow up in the middle of nowhere in Montana, self-publish a book, and then just become a success, by promoting it. You have to have connections. That's genius. I think you could have had an incredible career in designing loot boxes for mobile games based on how good you are at manipulating the world. Absolutely, microtransactions are God's work. [31]
Gaining Confidence
Was anxiety something you felt moving to this deal with Random House? Was that quite pressuring? Yes, it was a big change to go from writing for yourself as a teenager, homeschooled, living in the middle of nowhere, to knowing that there was a large audience for your next book and that they had expectations. I got criticized quite a bit, critiqued quite a bit when Eragon came out for, shall we say, my lack of experience on the technical side of things with the writing. I'd say some of those were certainly fair critiques. The great advantage of youth is that you don't know how difficult things are and you have a lot of energy. The great disadvantage of youth is you don't have experience, and there's no fixing that aside from time and effort. All of that was definitely in my head when I really started work on Eldest and it was pretty nerve-wracking quite honestly. [28]
When you finished the book, I mean your parents believed in it obviously. Did you too? Or were you like, "You know what, maybe the second book, maybe go all in on the second one?" I didn't feel like I was actually an author until my third book was published. Because the first one, well, that could be a fluke. Well, the second one, yeah, but you know. But once the third book came out, then I was like, okay, maybe I'm actually a writer. But even then, even after I finished the series, I still felt like, okay, now I have to write something that's not Eragon, just to prove that I can. So every book has been its own challenge and has been a way for me to keep feeling like I'm growing as an artist and learning to become a better and better writer. [2]
It took me, I wanna say almost 10 years to feel like I wasn't an imposter and that it wasn't just gonna get yanked away. You know what my dream was when Eragon was was going to get published by Random House? Like this was my pie in the sky because I didn't think it was going to happen. But this was my dream. I did all the math and I was like, man, if I could somehow someday sell 100,000 books, which is impossible. But man, if I could sell 100,000 books, that's a darn good living. Man, I could really make a living off that. I could support a family and 100,000 books. Man, that'd be amazing. And then it kind of took off from there. [33]
submitted by ibid-11962 to Eragon [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 14:43 58246286426 Adulthood is lonely, but I'd take loneliness any day over problems that weren't even there in the first place.

Adulthood can be lonely. It does not even matter whether you are single, in a relationship or married. Even people with partners can feel lonelier than single people if they are not happy with their partners.
Yes there are weekends when you don't have someone to talk to because they're busy. Yes there are times when you want to try a restaurant or cafe but you have no one to go with.
Who doesn't want a partner they get along with right? But maybe 9 out of 10 married people around me have lifestyles far downgraded from their lives when they were single. That's how marriage works, it averages the happiness and problems of two people combined. Many of them lived carefree and comfortable lives when they were single. Then suddenly they're saving their vacation leaves and immediately converting them into cash just so they can pay for that car installment or their child's tuition fees.
I guess I just want to share my perspective on this since I often read posts like this. There's a silver lining on everything. Instead of telling myself I am lonely, I just tell myself I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, an aircon that keeps me cool, bills are paid, trips can be planned and the only thing I worry about when waking up since what I want to eat for breakfast. I learned that gratitude in life goes a long way.
submitted by 58246286426 to adultingph [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 14:36 PanFriedSalmon675 Asking ex out on a "second first date"

Here is a brief timeline of the breaup. Me (M23) and my ex(F23) had been dating for 3 years. She broke up with me in February, a few days before the Valentines( which was also supposed to be our 3rd anniversary, we had started dating a few month before that but we counted valentines as the anniversary)
The breakup was a bit surprising, because we had planned a trip to Germany for April and bought the tickets about 2 weeks prior to breakup, but no that I think about it it was not that surprising.
In any case a month before the breakup both of us had very rough schedule, hardly seeing each other and that pretty much effected pur communication. That was the main reason of breaking up.
Though it hurt a lot the breakup was civil, we did not talk much, she just told me she wanted to break up and that was pretty much it. Talked for a few minutes and I left, speechless in a way, not realizing what was going on.
A few days later I drunk texted her(i know, awful idea, but was not intentional). I was not sober, but not that drunk either, it was a day after the breakup and felt pretty emotional. There were a lot of thing that I wanted to say just coming in my head and I decided I'd just write those things and delete it, but accidentally sent it to her. We had a bit of a conversation over text and that was it for the day.
After a month of breakup she texted me and asked me to meet up and we did, we talked a bit and basically she told me that she though she left me on a "waiting state" and she wanted to spend some time alone to understand what she wanted. I was okay with that, and by that time I had decided to move on, though I still lived her. Anyways, we talked and talked and she asked me if it was okay to hug me, from that things built up, we spent hourse just walking, talking, and being physical and well, we spent the night together. The morning was full of tears and talks and that was it.
We had a few random encounters after that and every time I met her, even if it was for a second, I felt like I was falling for her iver and over again( and that felt wonderful every single time)
Fast forward to a week ago, I met her and asked her for the flaws/problems we had and I had just to make sure I took a look at those things. And we talked a bit of whys and all. The communication breakdown was a key factor(again).
Now here I am, feeling weird. I'm not sad, I'm not feeling lost. I'm just feeling weird. And I have this strange though running through my had for the last couple of days. I want to ask her out on a "second first date", not to get back to the relationship we had(it failed so no point in that), but to see if there are still things that made us fall for each other when we first started. Not sure if I will do that, but that rhough has been living in my head rent free. Even if I do, not sure what kind of response I will get, and to be honest, it does not matter if I get yes, no or just completely get ignored, I feel like any sort of response would make me happy.
So people of reddit, what do you think?
submitted by PanFriedSalmon675 to BreakUp [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 14:35 Ok_Welder_5593 Women prefer to date and marry men they think are less attractive than they are.

I think a lot of good looking men, or men who grew up being complimented over their looks, are assumed to have bad or dull personalities before opening their mouth. I also think they are judged a little more harshly than men who donā€™t have as many traits one could deem as ā€œgood-looking,ā€ like a sharp jawline, prominent cheekbones, symmetry and proportional features, eyelash length, etc.
We all know what good-looking is; itā€™s why thereā€™s so much overlap in the features of actors and why so many actors have so-called, ā€œlookalikes.ā€ Men know what a good looking woman looks like.
I notice that my girl-friends NEVER choose the man they are most attracted to, which is always a man that has these features and looks like he could be on camera.
Itā€™s never really about them having a bad personality, being unavailable, etc. They take themselves out of the running so to speak by making assumptions, and they HATE, hate, hate, hate, the idea of competing with another woman, which is a wee bit hypocritical as some of them entertain multiple men, but theyā€™re well within their right to do so.
I love my friends, but I think they set themselves up for marriage failure and disappointment by doing this. Iā€™m not saying looks are everything, but how does a personality set itself apart from anotherā€™s, when both are ā€œgood?ā€ I see this sentiment online, and itā€™s an interesting one, but I think looks alter how ppl judge your personality.
I have one friend, letā€™s call her Tasha; she thought a keynote speaker at one of our latest events (both event planners at same org) was extremely handsome. And objectively speaking, he was. He gave a great speech. During our networking happy hour, I invite him over to our table. Heā€™s single too.
Heā€™s charismatic, hilarious, heā€™s a good listener, and sheā€™s smiling during the whole situation, but itā€™s a closed lip, squint the eyes smile; one of those smiles you give a kid when he thinks heā€™s done something genius but it wasnā€™t. But she starts doing something uncharacteristic; she only turns to me and talks, and sheā€™s low volume. It could almost be classified as rude.
Sheā€™s a lot more reserved than she usually is around this guy. I asked her afterward whether she liked the guy and she kept it simple in a way where she made it known that it was an uncomfortable subject; a very curt, ā€œyeah.ā€
Now, weā€™ve hung out with men that Tasha NEVER thought were cute, and were much more crass in nature, less motivated and unhygienic, but she would act like they were the greatest thing since sliced bread. However, post hang out, she would complain about them.
This is behavior that most of my girl-friends exhibit. It could be a regional US thing, maybe.
I think many women need to feel comfortable above all else for a relationship to work for them. I think some men can be ā€œtoo completeā€ for some women to deal with.
Thoughts?
submitted by Ok_Welder_5593 to TrueUnpopularOpinion [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 14:28 Painted-Spirit7341 37 m4f UK my socks don't match maybe you will instead ? :-P

Hello I hope your well . A brief introduction about myself. I'm single and looking for single lady to get to know Im a deep thinker always looking for new and interesting things or wonders of the world past and present recently discovered or not well known .
I like to cook various foods from around the world and enjoy finding new ideas to try or just watching the process I find it therapeutic and the end result of smiling happy faces around the table of food that is tasty and have depth of flavour like any art one that is unique and interesting .
I love stories that have a great flow ones that are imaginative and have a good balance of emotion genres or just have that something that you just have to find out more . Adventure for me is going outside what we know and finding something else new rules new ideas something that nourishes the soul and helps you grow .
What sort of story's interest you the most . Do you have a particular style or genre you enjoy or are you open minded . Do you read often and or do you ever listen to audio stories . How about current affairs do you like to read about local and international news or any other subjects that you might like to learn from what are they and how have they helped you in your life.
What's the one that you can say you have learned about yourself that you did not know 12 months ago that you do now however big or small how did it help you grow as a person.
I'm looking to make a connection share some things in common and go from there. sharing general stuff that helps your world go round the things that inspire you and the like .
If I intrigued you please let yourself be known and write back. Tell me anything about yourself in your reply let's see where this may lead
submitted by Painted-Spirit7341 to r4r [link] [comments]


2024.05.19 14:24 FiveFrights CPG Ɨ FF Ɨ 3D FredWare Studios Ɨ ??? - FNaB 5

This collaboration project between CommonPresent Games, Five Frights, 3D FredWare Studios, and an anonymous music producer have all collaborated to make the ultimate conclusion to the Five Nights at Bingo's games.
Explore the abandoned Bar & Grill that was said to be nothing but an urban legend... 55 years after it's closing.
Your name is Cory. You go to explore the ruins, inviting your friends Clyde and Jack to come along with you.
A large sinkhole has formed underneath the building in the show stage, leaving the place in ruins and mostly caving in, especially in the middle of it.
INTRODUCTION CINEMATIC
You arrive there at 11:30 PM, and you text Clyde and Jack to come. They say that they will be there by 12:00 AM. You then walk in, and you explore the place, and then you enter the security office at 11:59 AM. You then get a text from Clyde saying that he is almost there, and that he gave Jack a ride, as well.
NIGHT 1 - It is now officially 12:00 AM. The building has entered it's lockdown state, not letting anyone or anything get in.. or out. You run to look at your phone, and then you very quickly connect it to the barely functioning security cameras in the building, and once you go onto the Show Stage camera, you will see Moltenstein emerge from the old sinkhole, who is a melted together fusion of the extremely rotted Bingo and Blossom animatronics.
DIALOGUE: What even was that thing?! I have to get out of here! This bulletin board right here says that lockdowns can take 14-21 days to end?! 14-21 DAYS?! It's okay.. I can do this. I brought my portable wireless charger for my phone. I just need to get that.. thing... away from me.
Moltenstein will sometimes appear at one of your doorways. You have a left doorway, a right doorway, and an opened ceiling vent. Turn off your phone's flashlight if you see it, in order to get it not to kill you, and activate a nearby camera's flashlight in order to attract it towards that camera's location.
There are only 6 functioning cameras. They are all the Show Stage, New Lobby, Left Hall Entrance, Right Hall Corner, and the Dining Area.
The Show Stage is where Moltenstein will emerge from. It will then make it's way towards the New Lobby, Left Hall Entrance, or the Dining Area.
The Dining Area's camera is broken, forcing it to face the right side hallway, where there is a vent entrance nearby.
All of the cameras have an internal flashlight that was applied during the investigation of the premises right before it's closing. These internal flashlights all work surprisingly well on the still functional cameras, and they are good for attracting light sensitive animatronics nearby. Moltenstein is very, very sensitive to bright lights.
Your phone's flashlight will always be on by default. Hold down CTRL in order to shut off your phone's flashlight, making it incredibly hard to see, but stopling Moltenstein from killing you, and sometimes even making it leave.
Your phone will lose 1% battery power every 2 seconds (you instead will lose 1% of your phone's battery power every 5 seconds whenever your flashlight is turned off..). Using a camera's internal flashlight will make it lose an extra 3% of it's battery power.. immediately. You can recharge it to get an extra 35% but this takes roughly 5 seconds to do......
NIGHT 2 - Ugh.. I need to get out of here! I am starting to see things. I can't do this anymore, come on!! Why me??? It's whatever.. Clyde and Jack called me this morning, and they said that they were worried. I told them about my situation, and they said that they have notified the authorities, but they didn't believe them. Those people really think that this place is fake. How funny of them...
Memory Citrus and Memory Lizzy can now be seen. These are just hallucinations, however. If you ever see the original Citrus flying through the Dining Area, put down your phone quickly, or Memory Citrus will jumpscare you, causing for you to throw your phone onto the ground in panic, attracting Moltenstein towards the light, giving him a 20% chance to kill you after somewhere in betweenn 7.26310-8.54790 secondssss.
If you ever see the original Lizzy standing in the middle of the lobby, put your phone down quickly, otherwise Memory Lizzy will appear floating in front of both of your doorways, and all of your cameras, making you unable to see them, all while you lose 1% of your power every 0.552 seconds. This effects lasts.. just about..... 10 seconds. And yes, this does cause your phone's flashlight to glitch out as well, luring Moltenstein to your location.
NIGHT 3 - This has to be the last night.. Surely the police have realized that I have very suddenly gone missing... Right? Please, just let this end. No more!
Memory Buttercup can now sometimes appear in one of your doorways. Shine your phone's flashlight at her in order to make her go away, or else, she will jumpscare you very suddenly, causing for you to have a heart attack.. and... well, die.
Memory Caesar and Memory Chuck seek to both be always found together now, and they can now sometimes appear in one of your doorways. Pull out your phone and look at it in order to deter them away from the security office that you are hiding inside of.
NIGHT 4 - Hey, hey! It's me, Jack! I just wanted to tell you that Clyde called the police... yet again.. and now they are starting to take us WAY more seriously! They said that they are attempting to locate your phone.. But it needs to stay charged up to at least 50% from now (12 AM) up until 6 AM, or we will not able to locate you, AND YOU WILL DIE. You gave us the wrong directions for what reason, anyway, you idiot?!
If your phone's battery drops down below 50%, you will be immediately just.. killed by Moltenstein.
NIGHT 5 - Hey, hey! It's me, Jack! We got your location! The police are headed there, now... Let's go, man! You're gonna make it home, by tonight!!! But.. You need to stop yourself from using the camera's built-in internal flashlights. Apparently, the cameras share a union power generator system, hence why they still work, and they only have about.. 8 charges left. It is pretty crazy, actually, right??? So just.. be careful, dude. Bye, now!!!,,,
If you use the camera flashlights 8 times, they will be disabled, and Moltenstein will be immediately teleported to your door, and he will kill you after approximately 2.5-3.5 seconds.
NIGHT 6 - Listen, man. I'm sorry, okay? But you entering that establishment has awakened and set free the mess in there, and I cannot afford to be chased down by that thing... You see, my grandpa was at that place for a re-evaluation of it's safety.. for... an incident. And that was not even his first time there! I'm sorry.. But you will not be making it out of there alive. I have released an overwhelming amount of a special secret gas recipe into the building, causing your hallucations to feel the most real possible, meaning that they have a 50-50 chance of giving you a heart attack and.. well, kill you. I also adjusted the union power usage to only allow for 6 camera flashes, and.. now, you must also always keep your phone charged. You can NOT recharge it. Have fun, Cory.
(This night ends at 4 AM, as the police and Clyde will break into the building and save you at that time.. exactly.)
ALL ENDINGS
Good Ending - During Nights 1-5, keep your phone's battery above 30%, and do not ever use any more then 6 camera flashes in each night. This will give you access to the Old Lobby, where you will find Buttercup, Citrus, Lizzy, Caesar, Chuck, and an unused Endoskeleton during the Night 6 Escape Scene. You will then get the option to scrap or take with you each and every single one of them as you walk up to them, letting them rest now as nothing but legends if you scrap them all. You will then see a scene of Jack getting trapped inside of the building, right as you guys escape...
Bad Ending - Follow Jack's instructions, and leave with Clyde and the police on Night 6 without making any discoveries. You will then see a scene of Jack escaping the building, right as you guys escape...
Happy Ending (Canon) - During Nights 1-5, keep your phone's battery above 30%, and do not ever use any more then 6 camera flashes in each night. This will give you access to the Old Lobby, where you will find Buttercup, Citrus, Lizzy, Caesar, Chuck, and an unused Endoskeleton during the Night 6 Escape Scene. You will then get the option to scrap or take with you each and every single one of them as you walk up to them, but if you take them all with you, you will then see the location rebuilt with the recovered and repaired Bingo, Blossom, Citrus, Buttercup, Lizzy, Caesar, Chuck, and the brand new Tropico The Toucan animatronics. Tropico The Toucan is an amazing newly built counterpart friend for the now happy Citrus The Toucan animatronic character.
We will be collaborating on FNaB 6, just as we did with this game, to introduce the continuation to the game series, and it's amazing and wonderfully unique storyline. We have amazing plans for this next entry of the series, and they will all be shared on here.. very, very soon.
submitted by FiveFrights to u/FiveFrights [link] [comments]


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