I 24 m lost my high school sweetheart 25f 2 years back. we have been together ever since we were 16, I was the new kid in the school and was happy to go to the highschool, I wanted to go to as my most of my childhood friends has went it, I noticed a quiet girl in the corner of the room as I entered my classroom, she seemed quiet and kept to her self. Immediately I wanted to become friends with her as I had an outgoing personality, and didn’t like seeing people being alone, as time went on, I would approach her to make conversation and she responded to me but in a very shy way, she seemed happy to be talking with me as well, there were instances that we would catch each other looking, I felt very nervous around her because she seemed so cute. so I invited her to hang out with me one day in the winter, we were just hanging around on the winter, then soon after we added each other on social media, we stopped talking for a bit. I think life and school was happening but in the spring she asked me to hang out with her and I agreed to it, I went over to her house and picked her up. We were walking around my neighbourhood at the park , I met up with a few friends of mine and then we went to a house party. We ended up staying out all night together. I ended up asking her if we could be together, She happily agreed. Soon after we were inseparable, always together, laughing being each other’s best friends and high school sweet hearts. we went to the same college after highschool. I loved this girl with all my heart. After a few years we started to be toxic to each other, more so me. But no matter how much arguments and I would always apologize for my behaviour because it wasn’t right. We started to have an alcohol addiction which made us even more toxic. I knew that our relationship wasn’t okay with how life at the time was being worked out. She would often fly back to her hometown to spend time with family, I on the other hand would just stay home. Life became really difficult for the both of us to live during the pandemic, that’s when our relationship got worse. We would get mad at each other all the time, even being homeless for a period, had to move in with a friend because my parents couldn’t take us in. Our health was terrible from the constant drinking, and my friend introduced us to bad substances, so basically we were at rock bottom, and I hated living with every aspect of it but I didn’t know how to leave her or make our situation better. We were to codependent on each other that it was really unhealthy. But I couldn’t bear the thought of her being with someone else, and I think she felt the same way. I always thought we would get through everything together, no matter how bad and how terrible life was at the time, because at the end of the day, I loved her and she loved me. I always had hope that our future would be better, then it was starting to turn around after we got into the same program to help us out with our life style, but we messed it up due do alcohol. It was really bad but we tried to get through it. Then one summer we got evicted from our place, we ended up staying at our other friends place.our health was seriously declining. I started to go into psychosis and hearing things that weren’t there, she soon started to go into psychosis. I tried to get her into the hospital and begged her to stay there. But she wouldn’t listen. After that I had a panic attack and ran away because of the psychosis I was experiencing. I was walking around like I was homeless and scared. After a few days I snapped out of it then called my parents to tell them where I was and they picked me up right away because all I had on me was my clothes and no shoes. They took me in, and sat me down and informed me she passed away. I didn’t believe them right away because I thought she was safe and sound. I still wasn’t all there because of the lingering psychosis. But when it hit me I couldn’t stop crying and felt so defeated, Life felt so meaningless, I got a bunch of messages from her father saying I killed her, and that whenever he sees me he’s gonna rip my throat open. I showed the texts to my father and mother. They got the same texts but didn’t wanna tell me because of everything that has been happening. Her funeral happened, I kept crying at her casket, holding her cheek, saying how much I wish I could turn that day around. I felt like if I didn’t have a panic attack thinking the world was an evil place and seeing things, I would have still been by her side to protect her. but she was gone in front of my eyes and all I could do was kiss her one last time. Her parents got the full story of what happened to her and they thought I was responsible for what happened but no. It’s been 3 years since then, I’m in a better place. Mentally it still haunts me of what happened those few days. I love her so much, and I miss her dearly. She will always be in my heart. It sucks that everything reminds me of her, her laughter, her silliness, her kindness, her love. Her presence. I’ve been wanting to let this out for a while now. Thanks for reading.

"I am going to be 48 years old in a few weeks. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder since I was twenty years old. Much of my life, I have met all of the criteria of this disorder, and I have had a long, hard road ahead once it dawned on me that it was true. I have a fundamental dysfunction in my personality. I cannot cope with the world because at my core, I am unable to maintain stability as a functional adult for long periods of time due to my impulsive nature and my ability to forgive and love unconditionally. I don't know how to reconcile those traits with a healthy and successful life. My relationships are 'ride or die,' with me as the enabledoormat/reactionary drama queen. I tend to date men who need constant, obsessive attention and servitude, with them being the dominant to my submissive, their ego to my down-to-earth, and they are the Narcissist to my Borderline. I don't want to romanticize like so many JokeHarley memes, but this has been the way that it has gone for far too long.
My upbringing wasn't even close to being abusive. I was the only child, and my parents stayed married. I was sheltered, with no physical or sexual abuse; both of my parents were good people who loved me. It wasn't easy; we lacked money but never love. We struggled, but there were so many things that were different than for most people, in cool ways and in ways that were not cool. But never was I considered 'normal.'
One of the challenges of being Borderline is the difficulty in being our own therapist. Not because of this new 'favorite person' misinformation, but because we struggle with justifying anything. We see very little wrong with the way we are; we just need to know how we can make others understand that it's okay that we are intense, unpredictable in a predictable way, and humanly sensitive to everything that affects us. We insert ourselves into everything so we can let it all affect us. We claim that we didn't realize that we're supposed to change because we see no problem with the way we are; it's other people who are concerned, and we are not concerned with what people think (except when we are). So why do we have to change? It's our life, the one that is unmanageable and dysfunctional, and giving us unhoused vibes. This is still our life, and it's not easy to get through that we need to act accordingly because we don't care about your self-esteem; why do you care about ours?
So, we are often pushed into admitting that we can potentially be a little bit much. We are painted into the roles of the serial killer and the horrible Narcissistic Personality Disorder twin flame that nobody trusts because we follow our hearts (and we tend to hold grudges). Our dynamics are different, but we all follow astrology. Our sign is 'complete psycho' most of the time. I have been trying to figure out how to make it so we can get along with the world and it is not our enemy...but people keep messing up the whole situation.
People with borderline personality disorder may exhibit fear of abandonment through intense and unstable relationships. They might go to great lengths to avoid real or perceived abandonment, such as clinging to others, becoming quickly and intensely attached, or displaying extreme reactions (anger, panic, or depression) when they anticipate abandonment.
Abandonment fears can lead to impulsive actions to prevent separation or worse, therefore it's important to seek professional help for a comprehensive understanding and support. Additionally, individuals with BPD may engage in frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, such as making frantic, impulsive gestures to maintain a connection, even if those actions are not in their best interest. They might experience intense feelings of emptiness when alone and may go to extremes to fill that void. These behaviors can strain relationships, making it challenging for individuals with BPD to establish and maintain stable connections with others. Therapy, particularly dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), is often recommended to help manage and address these challenges.
Patterns of instability in borderline personality disorder (BPD) refer to consistent and recurring disruptions in various aspects of a person's life. This instability typically manifests in the following areas:

1. Relationships: Individuals with BPD often experience tumultuous relationships marked by extremes of idealization and devaluation. Their attitudes and feelings toward others may change rapidly, contributing to a cycle of intense, yet unstable, interpersonal connections.
   
2. Self-Image: BPD can involve an unstable sense of self. Individuals may struggle with a fluctuating self-identity, feeling uncertain about who they are, their values, and their life goals. This instability in self-perception can lead to a lack of direction and purpose.
   
3. Emotions: Emotional instability is a hallmark of BPD. Intense and rapidly shifting emotions, such as anger, anxiety, and sadness, can be challenging to regulate. Mood swings may occur in response to external events or perceived threats to relationships.
   
4. Impulsivity: Impulsive behaviors in areas like spending, substance abuse, reckless driving, or unsafe sexual practices are common in individuals with BPD. These actions often stem from a desire to alleviate emotional distress or avoid perceived abandonment.
   

These patterns of instability can significantly impact a person's daily functioning and relationships, making it crucial for individuals with BPD to seek professional help for effective management and support. In the context of borderline personality disorder (BPD), impulsivity refers to engaging in behaviors without careful consideration of the consequences. Individuals with BPD may display impulsive actions in various areas of their lives, such as:

1. Spending: Reckless and impulsive spending, often beyond one's means, is common in individuals with BPD.
   
2. Substance Abuse: Engaging in impulsive and risky behaviors related to substance use, including alcohol and drugs.
   
3. Sexual Behavior: Unplanned and impulsive sexual encounters, sometimes without regard for potential consequences, can occur.
   
4. Reckless Driving: Impulsive and risky driving behaviors, such as speeding or dangerous maneuvers.
   
5. Self-Harm: Engaging in impulsive self-harming behaviors as a way to cope with intense emotions.
   

Impulsivity in BPD can be driven by a desire to alleviate emotional pain, boredom, or to avoid perceived abandonment. Developing coping strategies and emotional regulation skills through therapy, particularly dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), can be beneficial in managing impulsive behaviors associated with BPD.
Identity disturbance in borderline personality disorder (BPD) refers to a pervasive and unstable sense of self. Individuals with BPD may struggle with a coherent and consistent understanding of who they are, which can manifest in several ways:

1. Self-Image Fluctuations: A person with BPD may experience rapid shifts in self-perception, ranging from feeling exceptionally positive to extremely negative about themselves. This can occur within short periods.
   
2. Uncertainty About Goals and Values: Individuals with identity disturbance may have difficulty establishing and maintaining long-term goals or consistent values. They might struggle with defining their life direction and purpose.
   
3. Chameleon-Like Adaptation: Some individuals with BPD may adopt different personas or behaviors in different social situations, often as a means to fit in or avoid rejection. This can lead to a lack of stable and authentic self-expression. Intense Fear of Abandonment: The fear of abandonment can exacerbate identity issues, as individuals may shape their identity based on the perceived expectations or desires of others, leading to a lack of a stable core sense of self.
   

Addressing identity disturbance in BPD often involves therapeutic interventions, such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) or psychodynamic therapy. These approaches aim to help individuals explore and develop a more stable and authentic sense of self.
Dissociation in borderline personality disorder (BPD) refers to a coping mechanism where individuals disconnect from their thoughts, feelings, memories, or sense of identity. This disconnection can occur as a response to stress, trauma, or overwhelming emotions. Dissociative experiences in BPD may include:

1. Depersonalization: Feeling detached from oneself, as if observing from outside the body.
   
2. Derealization: Perceiving the external environment as unreal or distorted.
   
3. Amnesia: Gaps in memory, especially related to stressful events or periods of intense emotion.
   
4. Identity Confusion: Momentary lapses in awareness of one's identity or feeling unsure about who they are.
   

Dissociation serves as a way for individuals with BPD to manage distress, particularly when emotions become too overwhelming. However, it can interfere with daily functioning and contribute to difficulties in relationships. Therapy, especially approaches like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and trauma-focused therapy, may help individuals develop healthier coping mechanisms and address dissociative experiences.
Certainly, here are some examples of dissociative experiences that individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) may encounter:

1. Depersonalization: Feeling as though you are watching yourself from a distance, almost like being an observer rather than an active participant in your own life.
   
2. Derealization: Perceiving the external world as strange, unreal, or distorted. You may be on a heavy trip off mushrooms and wandering around the closet park in the middle of the night feels different when you are over 40. It hits different, and you can get in a lot more trouble than experimenting teenagers. You're not holding a job long under these circumstances.
   
3. Amnesia: Having periods of time where you cannot recall significant details or events, especially those associated with heightened emotional states or trauma. If you are being sedated for trying to call the same number over and over at three am because you desperately need to move to
   
4. Identity Confusion: Brief moments of not recognizing oneself or feeling uncertain about personal identity, values, or goals. Taking in the attributes of your signiotg
   

It's important to note that dissociative experiences can vary widely among individuals, and not everyone with BPD will necessarily experience these examples. If you or someone you know is experiencing dissociation or other symptoms associated with BPD, seeking professional help from a mental health practitioner is crucial for appropriate diagnosis and support.
Suicidal ideation in borderline personality disorder (BPD) involves persistent thoughts about death, dying, or the desire to end one's life. Individuals with BPD may experience varying degrees of suicidal thoughts, ranging from fleeting notions to detailed plans. Some aspects of suicidal ideation in BPD include:

1. Frequency and Intensity: Suicidal ideation can be a chronic feature, with thoughts occurring regularly or intermittently. The intensity can range from vague thoughts to detailed plans.
   
2. Impulsivity: Individuals with BPD may be prone to impulsive behaviors, and this impulsivity can extend to suicidal acts or self-harming behaviors during periods of emotional distress.
   
3. Sense of Hopelessness: Suicidal thoughts in BPD can be linked to a pervasive sense of hopelessness, often fueled by challenges in relationships, identity, and emotional regulation.
   
4. Coping Mechanism: For some, suicidal ideation may serve as a coping mechanism, providing a perceived escape from emotional pain or a means to regain control.
   

Addressing suicidal ideation in BPD requires immediate attention from mental health professionals. Therapeutic interventions, such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), can be effective in helping individuals manage intense emotions and develop healthier coping strategies. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, it's crucial to seek help from a mental health professional or a crisis hotline immediately.
Mood swings in borderline personality disorder (BPD) are characterized by rapid and intense changes in emotional states. These fluctuations can occur in response to various triggers or even without apparent cause. Key aspects of mood swings in BPD include:

1. Intensity: Emotions can shift from one extreme to another rapidly, with individuals experiencing intense feelings of joy, anger, sadness, or anxiety.
   
2. Instability: The duration of mood swings can be brief, lasting only a few hours or days. This instability contributes to the challenge of predicting or managing emotional states.
   
3. Triggered by Interpersonal Events: Mood swings in BPD often correlate with interpersonal stressors, such as perceived rejection, criticism, or the fear of abandonment.
   
4. Impact on Relationships: The intensity and unpredictability of mood swings can strain relationships, as others may find it challenging to understand or respond to the rapidly changing emotional landscape.
   

Therapeutic approaches, particularly dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), focus on helping individuals with BPD recognize and regulate their emotions, providing skills to manage mood swings effectively.
The term "Cluster B" refers to one of the four personality disorder clusters outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Cluster B personality disorders share certain features, including dramatic, emotional, and erratic behaviors. This grouping includes the following personality disorders:

1. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): Characterized by instability in relationships, self-image, and emotions, along with impulsive and self-destructive behaviors.
   
2. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): Involves an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, and a lack of empathy for others.
   
3. Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD): Characterized by a disregard for the rights of others, impulsivity, deceitfulness, and a lack of remorse after harming others.
   
4. Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD): Involves a need for attention, dramatic and seductive behavior, and intense emotions that may be perceived as shallow.
   

These personality disorders within Cluster B share some common traits, such as difficulties in forming and maintaining relationships, impulsivity, and emotional dysregulation. However, each disorder within the cluster has distinct features and diagnostic criteria. The clustering is a way to organize and understand patterns of personality pathology for diagnostic and treatment purposes.
Diagnosing borderline personality disorder (BPD) typically involves a comprehensive assessment by a mental health professional. Several tools and methods are used to gather information, including:

1. Clinical Interviews: A mental health professional conducts thorough interviews to assess the individual's symptoms, emotional experiences, and history of relationships. These interviews may involve discussions about mood, identity, impulsivity, and interpersonal difficulties.
   
2. Diagnostic Criteria: The assessment often involves evaluating the individual against established diagnostic criteria, such as those outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Meeting specific criteria is essential for a formal diagnosis.
   
3. Structured Interviews: Mental health professionals may use structured interviews designed to elicit specific information related to BPD symptoms. These interviews help standard ize the diagnostic process.
   
4. Self-Report Questionnaires: Individuals may be asked to complete self-report questionnaires designed to assess various aspects of personality, emotional experiences, and interpersonal functioning.
   
5. Collateral Information: Information from family members, close friends, or other relevant sources may be considered to gain a more comprehensive understanding of the individual's behavior and relationships.
   

It's important to note that a diagnosis of BPD should be made by a qualified mental health professional based on a thorough assessment. Early diagnosis and intervention are crucial for individuals with BPD to receive appropriate treatment and support.
Here's the continuation of the edited text:
Cluster B Personality Disorder #clusterb #clusterbs #bpd-dbt #dbt #fearofabandonment #linean
This revised version addresses spelling, grammar, and ensures clarity in expression. Let me know if there are any further edits or adjustments you'd like to make!

1. **

Hi everyone,
My son and I have tinkered with WLED, but we are updating his room and he has specifically requested a new LED project that is probably a little of my depth at the moment.
What you would like is LED strips running up the four corners of his room, from floor to ceiling (8'). He would like to be able to control these 4 strips from an ESP board that we've got.
The room is about 12 ft by 14 ft., with baseboard and Crown molding (I'm installing soon), so I can run the power and data behind these as/if needed.
Is the best route here to run all four corners back to a common point where the ESP is located? Can I use CAT5e for this? I want the installation to be as clean as possible, so I was thinking that if I put a cat5e wallplate at each corner, I could power each strip by plugging it into the plate. In this way if in the future, we want to take them out, or change the strip to something else, we can unplug and do it easily.
I don't think the ESP is going to have enough juice to run four 7-ft long strips, can anyone advise on how to power these properly? Pretty green at this but I think I can figure it out with some assistance here. Thanks in advance.

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CURRENT RATES -- AS OF SUMMER / FALL 2022 -- SUBJECT TO CHANGE:

• Full Class Help Rates: $595 – $2495 USD
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Considering the fact that you found my contact information online, it’s understandable to be skeptical regarding the legitimacy of my services. Therefore, I’m willing to do all of the following to help you feel more secure in trusting me with your academic needs:

• Engage in a Telephone interview: Speak with you on the phone and answer any questions you may have so that you have the opportunity to assess and analyze my tone, articulation, and accent. I’m a New Jersey-born Irish/Italian-American, but I have been told that I speak in an erudite & articulate suburban American accent with a “professor style” voice somewhat resembling the voice of actor: Ben Stein.
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MY REBUTTAL TO THE OBLIGATORY “IS THIS A SCAM?” QUESTION:
At the risk of sounding arrogant, I consider myself to be at least marginally more intelligent (both academically & socially) than the average person. Therefore, if I ever decided to suddenly risk prison time, risk my reputation, and risk enduring the wrath of modern-day “cancel culture” by scamming people out of their money:

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Currently trying my best not to check something but it's making me super anxious, and ik this is really the best way to break the ocd cycle but I've never not done my compulsions and I'm super anxious rn lol
I've heard it helps in the long term but does anyone have any advice on what to do now? The compulsion is to do with a show I'm watching and I want to keep watching but it keeps reminding me of the compulsions that I'm not doing and it's making me more anxious, but at the same time when I get an intrusive thought whilst watching a show or something and I just turn the show off, the intrusive thought is much stronger the next time. But I'm not entirely sure what to do rn so, yeah. I've looked online but Idk if Google understands what I mean lol
So basically, what do you do to avoid the anxiety of not doing compulsions? And how do you stop the "what ifs"? I've tried the "maybe maybe not" trick but that makes everything worse and it's all that Google is suggesting.
Thank u !

I still follow the sub after having received my own PSLF forgiveness a little over a year ago. I remember the stress, anxiousness, wth moments, etc. Thanks to those in this sub that offered helpful advice along the way (and continue to do so for others).
Just an encouragement post to those going through the process. You’ll get there :) A search of the sub will help you find various excellent advice and guidance.
Best of luck!

What does becoming a teacher mean to me?
It means adulthood. What is adulthood? Adulthood is living in a house, or an apartment or away from one's family of origin. Yes, I know some races of persons live in extended families. For me, adulthood means living elsewhere. Teaching to me means the ability to get this for myself.
Adulthood means land. I want to eventually have control over the food I eat. I want to grow my own vegetables, my own fruits without pesticides and other strange chemicals. Adulthood means the ability for me to have my own land.
Adulthood means a car. It means not making multiple trips to and fro places. It means not burning up in the hot, hot sun. It means not being tired physically carrying myself to so many places. It means comfort, driving, cool air, not being exposed to the rain, or having to ride with persons who may make me uncomfortable with their sexually suggestive banter. Adulthood means the ability for me to get a car.
Adulthood means a career. It means having something to do on a weekly basis. It means having the protections of a career, namely access to things - possible loans among others. Adulthood means having the chance to have a career.
Adulthood means having a salary. Having a salary means having the ability to move around in the world. In many a place, women are held back from moving about in the world. Women are oftentimes tied to a man. They are prevented from having their own money. Their energies are allocated to child rearing, caring for a home, caring for elders. I realize how fortunate I am that I have had access to higher education, to indeed have a career. Adulthood means the ability to have a career.
Adulthood means savings. Savings means security. It means being able to afford one's needs, emergency or not. Savings means enjoyment, comfort. Adulthood would mean I could get a chance to have savings.
Adulthood means strong relationships. Or rather, different ones. It means navigating life with coworkers, hobby friends, relatives, your own parents as an adult. It means changing dynamics. Adulthood would afford me the ability to have strong relationships.
Teaching means adulthood. Adulthood is good. It means leaving the private market, and entering the safety and comfort of the public market. It means leaving independent contracting work in favor of salary. It means taking my place in society, as a worker, and having a title. It means being a woman. I am biologically a woman. But now, I'd be more of a woman, a self-sufficient woman.
Teaching means having little luxuries, my creature comforts. It means a stove, a refrigerator, a washer dryer combo in my own place. It means controlling who is around me, and that I can choose to leave when I wish. Teaching means health, that I can have a varied diet. It means maintenance, that I can look my best, and engage the services of beauty professionals to get my nails done, my hair done, my makeup done, and buy more high-quality, in style clothing.
Teaching means hobbies. It means stability in my work schedule, so that I can do other things in the off times. This can mean starting a business, having a hobby, hanging out with others, or just catching up on some sleep. Teaching may mean travel abroad. It may mean stamps in my passport, a visa or two. Teaching means general enjoyment. That's what it means to me.
I find the gatekeeping of long-term, well-paying employment wicked. Yes, I know persons must specialize, take their trainings to perform their jobs well. But when you have persons willing and able to do a job, why prevent them from doing so? It doesn't make sense I think.
This is a momentous occasion. I'm getting ready to take a place in life. This sets the stage for many more things. What shall I do to commemorate the occasion? Well, I'm writing this post, so that's one thing. I want to dress up and take myself somewhere when I get my first salary. Secretary, put that on the books. One outing with me well done up when I first get paid, okay?
Life is good. Me moving into this new stage means that I would have learned enough to get me here. I have learned a lot, truly. I learned about men, and dating. I learned about people, friends, not so friends. I've learned about me, what I want, what I do not want, the kind of life I want to life, and what others expect of me. I've learned about reasonable expectations, and what it means to be an adult living with other adults. I've learned about security, and investment, romantic investment, what it looks like, and what it does not look like. I've learned to choose me, but make allowances for others. I've learned about others. I've learned that it's not always only about me, that I don't exist in a vacuum, and that my life is not only my own.
I've learned that there is so much to explore with me. I think I know me, but this new stage is going to make me grow more, and be more me.
So that's what teaching means to me. I'm sure it will mean a lot more, like getting to show off my skills, and getting to educate a generation. I'm sure it'll mean other things like routine, and monotony, trudging through the day for the sake of supporting myself. But I'm ready. I know the material. I've done this before. Things will go well. Others have done it. And now is my turn. It's my turn. It's my turn. It's. My. Turn.
I don't have to fight anyone for it. It's my turn. I don't have to beg anyone for it. It's my turn. I don't have to steal it. It's my turn. I don't have to pay for it. I believe I've already paid a lot. Also, It's. My. Turn. It's my turn to enjoy myself. It's my turn to advance, and get my master's degree, and get my doctorate. Let me change my name a bit, yeah? I've done the work. I've put in my time. I haven't promised to support anyone financially. I haven't sired any children that I must care for. I'm not cheating anyone by not working and expecting payment. I'm just here, signing up for work, preparing myself as best I can, and waiting my turn, just like everyone else.
I come wanting to work. I come wanting to do good work. I come wanting to cooperate. I come ready. It is time. It is my time. Let's do this.
On we go.

“This book is on voyages to the North, where Lord Debling intends to travel.”
“Miss Featherington, are you reading about the fabled Northwest Passage?”
(S3 E4 11:16)
Hi everyone! I posted a comment about it right after season 3 dropped, and I have seen a bit of interest in the Northwest Passage on here recently. I thought that for those of you who didn’t learn about it extensively in school in the small corner of Canada that I did, I’d put together a little informative post on the extremely brief (and perhaps even inconsequential!) reference to the Northwest Passage in Episode 4. I’ll provide an overview of the Passage and its history, touch on some characteristics of travel to this region, and conclude with some completely speculative comments on the literary purpose of evoking the passage in this scene in Season 4.
A quick note on the colonial nature of this post: Throughout this short post, I refer to several colonial expeditions to the land many of us call Canada. Although I attempt to be cognizant of my language, it is important to note that the Inuit people who live in the arctic regions that I reference have navigated the sea ice for thousands of years (Panikkar et al., 2018) and that the written history of this region are often hegemonic and euro-centric narratives that were formed within colonial frameworks.
More information on the Inuit and their culture, language, and traditions can be found here: https://www.itk.ca/about-canadian-inuit/
References are at the end. If you like this post, you might also like the speculative post I made about the influences of the Eros/Psyche quote in the Polin sub which is also endless academic yapping.
Exploring the Northwest Passage- a bit of context
In August of 1820, Lieutenant Edward Parry, a member of the British Royal Navy observed the dense ice and snow of arctic land and sea that was thought to be the location of the mysterious Northwest Passage. From a simple look, he knew that no ship in existence would be able to pass through ice sheets of such a great thickness and that extended for such a long distance (Brandt, 2011). Despite his pessimism, by Parry’s time, British sailors and explorers had been explicitly seeking the passage for hundreds of years (Williams & Costley, 2010; Day, 2006, p. xxiv), dreaming of exploiting the desirable economic prospect of a Western route from Europe to burgeoning Asian markets.
First encounters: When European sailors first encountered North America, it was in pursuit of a route west to Asia. They were, of course, incorrect about the location of Asia. And although a great deal of interest shifted to mapping the new continent, there was also an acknowledgement that there would be great economic benefits to finding a way around this newly encountered landmass (Day, 2006). Over time, the reasons and methods of locating the Northwest Passage changed and evolved, but interest never truly went away.
Renewed British interest: Notably, at the end of the 15^th century, when the Ottoman Turk’s empire extended into the Mediterranean and eastward, European merchants were no longer allowed to move and trade freely (Day, 2006). Seeking new routes for the Pacific, European (and especially British) explorers turned West. The Northwest Passage was a concept, a theoretical possibility, for European explorers. It was seen as a potential commercial sea route to the trading markets that were already established and burgeoning in Asia. The Passage was a route with phenomenal economic potential, especially as European consumers sought spices, materials, salts, and woods from foreign markets (Williams & Costley, 2010).
Based on their knowledge of the Southern Hemisphere and the potential geography of the world, many believed that a similar passage would be reflected in the earth’s northern pole (Day, 2006). As a result, there was a massive potential for financial gain for colonial governments and individuals, should such a passage ever be found.
Public fascination: The passage became a point of national fascination for many members of the public. In pursuit of this fascination, many enthusiastic researchers “persuaded persons of influence and wealth to send out discovery expeditions” (Williams & Costley, 2010, p. xv). With governments in Europe stabilizing, the emergence of an economy of cheap labour (lower class men who were willing to take on the dangerous work at sea), and the rapid development of ship technology, the 1600s was a prime time to set out on expeditions.
The fascination with the Passage continued for 300 years until a passage was finally navigated by sea in full in the 1900s. Over the course of history, Anthony Brandt describes the fascination with the Passage’s discovery as a tragedy (2011). He writes: “hubris, an all-too-human arrogance and pride that triggered a particular calamity” (p. 5) as being the tragedy of the exploration for the Passage. Despite the fascination of the public with it, the ice “remained intractable, impenetrable, and, for those who challenged it, a kind of fate” (p. 5) George Malcom Thomson reported that the Passage did not exist where popular imagination speculated it must be (Day, 2006). He noted: “the whole enterprise was founded on a misapprehension, a geographical fiction, a fairy-tale … and downright inventions that scholar manufacture to amaze themselves” (p. xxv).
The danger of the passage: Voyages to and in search of the passage were fraught. Many never returned, and those who did survive faced immense physical and mental challenges. There were, of course, significant difficulties with massive ice drifts and shelves. However, the relative location of the expeditions to the north pole led to issues with magnetic variation for compasses. Fog further complicated travel (Williams & Costley, 2010).
There were also extreme mental dangers to pursuing the NWP. MooSmith’s expedition in the mid-1700s reported “potentially murderous quarrels between officers” (Williams & Costley, 2010, p. xvi); John Franklin noted that the things that occurred on his ship “must not be known” (p. xvi); and it was noted that on the McClure, Beckler, and Collinson expeditions, “tensions” erupted “as captains and subordinate officers exchanged threats of court martial, and some officers spend years under close arrest on their ships” (p. xvi).
In the time of Bridgerton: The end of the Napoleonic Wars in 1815 allowed for greater expeditions by the British Royal Navy (Day, 2006). This would have included surveys of a large portion of the global north and the Arctic. There were a large number of “successful” (depending on how you define it) land expeditions that had made progress in producing surveys and maps of the region. Despite significant ongoing interest in discovering the Passage, in particular, little progress had been made. Later still, despite more advanced mapping by the Hudson Bay Company and expeditions by many notable sailors, there was still no route by the 1820s (Day, 2006).
What does it signify? If a character in Bridgerton was voyaging to the Arctic, it could take them less than a year to reach areas of the Hudson Bay that would be suitable for a scientific voyage. That in itself is not overly dangerous. However, the reference to the Northwest Passage is an interesting literary point. Of all of the places to voyage in the Arctic, even at the time, it would have been an immensely dangerous trip to set out on. The persistent lack of success for a solid 30 years after this season takes place may reference the fact that this is a voyage that Debling is unlikely to ever return from.
It doesn’t help that Debling’s odds are really stacked against him. He does not eat meat, one of the only renewable sources of food for arctic expeditions. There is little to no fresh naturally occurring produce (during the Coppermine expedition, the surviving crew members famously ate lichen to survive once they lost the favour of local indigenous groups and fur traders) and did not do well.
Certainly, it lends a very tragic potential element to the story. The Arctic, if mentioned alone, is not necessarily an overly dangerous location to travel to. Yes, marine travel in the 1800s was still a dangerous endeavour in its own right, let alone in an area as unnavigable by sea as the Arctic. However, the North, in many regions, had active whaling expeditions, Indigenous populations that were willing to trade and work with sailors, and (in some areas) active fur trades. If the purpose of Debling’s travel was only to highlight his unique interests and sense of purpose, the show had many methods of doing so. The choice to reference a notorious and dangerous Northwest Passage, there is an extremely interesting element of danger that is introduced.
What would this potential marriage mean for Penelope? Of course, Penelope’s name is a reference to the wife of Odysseus, who unwillingly takes ten years to return home after the Trojan war. In contrast to Colin, who returns with a steadfast conviction, Debling may represent a kind of eternal limbo for Penelope, should she marry him. Although Debling’s trip is set to take 3 years, it would be hard to prove his death. Likely, she would be a widow for years, if not her entire life, before they were able to locate his ship. The HMS Terror was famously lost in 1845 and not located until 2016(!). As a result, Penelope would likely be stuck at home, awaiting his return, in the same tragic fashion of her namesake in Greek mythology.
As such, not only is there a potential tragic reference to Debling’s future, but there is also a dark illusion to what Penelope’s life may look like as his wife. Of course, this is all based entirely on implication, but it is an interesting act of speculative foreshadowing.
Thanks for reading!
References
Brandt, A. (2011). The man who ate his boots: the tragic history of the search for the northwest passage. Anchor.
Day, A. (2006). Historical dictionary of the discovery and exploration of the Northwest Passage (Vol. 3). Scarecrow Press.
Panikkar, B., Lemmond, B., Else, B., & Murray, M. (2018). Ice over troubled waters: Navigating the Northwest Passage using Inuit knowledge and scientific information. Climate Research, 75(1), 81-94.
Williams, G., & Costley, S. (2010). Arctic labyrinth: The quest for the Northwest Passage. University of California Press.

General

This subreddit is North American focused. If you would like to provide information from other countries, please leave it in a comment below or contact the moderators.
 
What is a perfusionist and what do they do?
A perfusionist’s central role is to operate a heart-lung machine during open heart surgeries or other surgeries where blood flow may be impaired or interrupted. Examples of surgeries or devices that may require perfusionists most commonly include:

• Coronary Artery Bypass Graft (CABG)
• Heart Valve Repair or Replacement
• Congenital Heart Defect Repairs
• Organ Transplants
• Extracorporeal Membrane Oxygenation (ECMO)
• Ventricular Assist Devices (VAD)
• Intra-Aortic Balloon Pumps (IABP)
• Chemoperfusion

 
What is the salary and job outlook?
Salaries for perfusionists are generally higher than $150,000 per year. There are a wide variety of pay structures that will affect total compensation packages.
The future of perfusion is unclear, mostly due to concerns of market saturation. A search through /Perfusion will reveal a wide variety of opinions on the matter. The American Board of Cardiovascular Perfusion (ABCP) publishes an annual report listing the number of certifications gained and lost. Included in the most current report (2023) is a historical list going back to 2000. Included in the 2022 report is the number of students admitted and graduated in 2021 and 2022.
 
Professional Organizations and Resources:  

• American Society of ExtraCorporeal Technology  
  
• The American Academy of Cardiovascular Perfusion  
  
• The Canadian Society of Clinical Perfusion  
  
• The Tiny Perfusion Letter
  

 

Education and Credentialing

 
How do I become a perfusionist?
To become a practicing perfusionist in the United States, you must become a Certified Clinical Perfusionist (CCP). This credential is governed by the American Board of Cardiovascular Perfusion (ABCP) and is awarded after passing two board examinations: the Perfusion Basic Science Examination (PBSE) and the Clinical Applications in Perfusion Examination (CAPE).
Qualification to sit for the board exams is achieved by completing a certified program. The accrediting body for programs is the Commission on Accreditation of Allied Health Education Programs (CAAHEP) and a current list of programs may be found by going to this page, selecting “Profession” and choosing “Perfusion.” Unfortunately, this does not include programs that are defunct or programs that are undergoing the preliminary accreditation process. All schools require an undergraduate degree before entry regardless of outcome: degree or certificate.
The list of schools maintained at Perfusion.com and at SpecialtyCare are not current.
Programs currently undergoing preliminary certification include (alphabetical):

• Emory School of Nursing
• Lawrence Technological University
• Northern Kentucky University
• University of Southern California

Program lengths vary from 18 to 21 months and cost varies from approximately $30,000 to $140,000.
 

Common Questions About the Application Process

 
Is it competitive?
The application process is extremely competitive. Schools are typically receiving several hundred applications and most take 20 or fewer students.
When does the application cycle begin?
The application cycle is different for each school, but typically start as early as June 1 for start dates the following year.
That means that for the beginning of the 2025-2026 academic year, applications will begin opening on June 1, 2024.
When do applications close?
Again, each program will be different. Some programs close earlier than others. Some programs have processes that take awhile to complete, so it is advisable to complete your application before the process closes.
Which school should I apply to?
You should apply to every school you're qualified for.
What prerequisites are required for perfusion school?
Each of the programs have different requirements. Contacting each of the programs with program specific questions is going to result in much more accurate answers than asking here. Programs can and do change requirements on an ongoing basis.
Nearly all programs require at least a documented conversation with a perfusionist or shadowing a case as part of the application process.
How do I find a perfusionist to shadow?
LinkedIn is your best resource. You may also post a request for a specific geographical area using the flair “Shadow Request.” You can also try contacting hospitals that do open heart surgery and arranging to shadow a perfusionist.
What kind of work experience is useful when applying to perfusion school?
Perfusion assistant jobs are sometimes referred to as a “golden ticket” for admission to a school. Many schools seem to value healthcare experience, through what type varies from school to school. Traditionally, RNs with critical care or operating room experience and respiratory techs seem to have a high degree of success. Other perfusion / OR adjacent jobs like anesthesia techs also seem to correlate with higher acceptance rates. As the application process becomes more competitive, it may be worth reaching out to current students to see what class make ups look like or Program Directors to see what advice they may give. Unfortunately, the application process is a “black box” and each institution has different qualities, traits, and experience they seem to value.
What are my chances of getting into School X? / Should I apply this year or wait until I have more experience?
No one knows. Your chances of getting into a school that you haven't applied to are zero. Contact the program for specific questions and guidance about your situation. The application process is a "black box" process with only the Program Directors and Admissions Council Members knowing how they work and what they are looking for in the current cohort. If you have specific questions about feedback you have received, feel free to ask them. Generic "what if" questions have a low likelihood of being approved in this subreddit.
Social Media
Look over all your social media accounts. Clean them up. Present yourself well online.
Additional Resources
/prospective_perfusion - subreddit dedicated to the application process and questions
/perfusion_accepted - subreddit dedicated to accepted students
 
 
Thanks to ghansie10 for the original thread - if you see this, please DM me!
Please report broken links or incorrect information to the moderators.
Feel free to post questions or information below.

My SD (8), has been in competitive cheer for around 5 years- HCBM involved her in this and from the beginning, has been an issue for DH regarding time commitment due to our jobs, money, involvement, etc.
We believe the drive to do cheer is being forced at the hands of HCBM. Before every competition and before every practice, SD complains that she doesn’t want to go, but then says she doesn’t want to NOT cheer. My husband pays $800 in support a month, we have 50% custody and a toddler of our own. We have expressed MULTIPLE times to HCBM that we cannot afford to give more money for cheer (being that she’s asked several times), and that if HCBM can’t afford to keep her in cheer with her salary and support, then it’s probably not an extracurricular that she should be involved in. We’ve also explained that with a toddler, we can’t be at away competitions for the entire 9-12 hour day, nor can we always afford to splurge $500 a night on a hotel. She’ll say she understands, but always throws it in our faces that we don’t support SD and she does everything when it comes to cheer. I’m all for doing what you can for your children, but that comes with limitations. She has started asking other family members for money to fund this sport.
Just today, HCBM says she wants to move SD to another gym that’s an hour away (current gym is 10 minute drive). DH explains time commitment, and that he does think an 8 year old should be focusing this much time on cheer and should be focused on school. He also explains it’s hard to say yes to this when SD doesn’t always show initiative and dedication to the sport now. It has turned into us not supporting SD, we don’t want what’s best for her, why does DH care when she does everything anyway. We find out the reason she wants SD to move gyms is because the coach told her she won’t make the elite team (even the coach explained that she’s too young and has the same skill set, but it’s just more money and time for the athletes to get tired out). So she wants to move gyms so SD could, potentially not even confirmed, make an elite team. Instead of allowing SD to fail, persevere, learn life lessons as we all do, she wants to take the path of least resistance and just take the easy way out. I’m just really sick of this narrative that DH doesn’t do anything for SD, when it’s the complete opposite.

I’ve decided to quit cold turkey. Just threw out my vapes and going to use this thread as accountability journal to track progress. I’ve delayed and procrastinated on quitting but I’m realizing that there is never a good time. So today is as good a day as any other. It’s really impacted my life in all the ways described by others on this subreddit but I find the biggest thing is that it just makes me comfortable with “doing nothing”. Regular dopamine comes from pursuing goals, accomplishing difficult things but this makes you satisfied with taking it easy while giving you the same “buzz” you would previously get in healthy ways. This will be a tough road but I’ll manage the withdrawal as best as I can. For people who have quit cold turkey, what type of withdrawal symptoms did you experience and what measures did you take to lessen their severity. Thank you.

Hi PubTips , I've been lurking for a while and finally have something in good enough shape to be torn apart! I would appreciate any feedback you're willing to give.
Thanks :)
Dear ###,
I am writing to seek representation for my 58,000-word science fiction novel, Without Reservation. It is a cosy, slice-of-life story of an itinerant tax investigator and travel writer balancing his two lives while exploring the wonders of food, nature, and culture of a planet populated by floating sapient jellyfish. This book is a standalone story with episodic series potential.
Without Reservation is similar in tone to Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree, while having atmospheric elements in keeping with A Long Way to a Small Angry Planet by Becky Chambers. While viewed through the more mature lens of an older protagonist, elements of mystery and peril can be found like in A Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking by T. Kingfisher and the Murderbot Diaries series by Martha Wells.
Julian had always longed to travel; he filled his small cot in the orbital hive city of Caelum with pictures from magazines and scrolled for hours through blogs and videos of faraway wonderful places. When faced with the choice of joining the Covenant Navy or becoming a tax investigator, the decision was simple.
Ephyra sits at the edge of Covenant space bordering the Hegemony of Araxys, all should be quiet on the idyllic world of oceans and forests, but something is awry. Tax take is low, transit logs are filled with strange entries, and there are whole cargoes unaccounted for. Julian is despatched to make things right.
When he lands on Ephyra with the help of his closest companion, Chowder – the AI of his ship in the body of a cat – and explores the city of Port Nemato, things take a turn. He is briefly accosted by smugglers only to be rescued by Carys, herself a captain of a smuggling vessel.
With his notepad out and his travel blog in mind, Julian tries food from across the galaxy, delves deep into the culture and customs of the Ephyran people, and explores further into their world than any Off-worlder has ever done before. At every step of his journey, he runs into Carys and her smugglers who are at the very heart of a mystery that takes him from mislabelled cargo right into the home of the leader of the Ephyrans where he must stop a sinister plot involving the Portmaster and an Admiral from the Hegemony before time runs out.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,

Hey reddit! I'm a 38 year old latin guy from Washington DC. Honesty is the best policy so I'll make it known now that I'm not looking for platonic friends, I'm looking for a romantic partner. Buckle up, because I'm about to unveil why I may or may not be the right partner for you in a classic listicle style that all you youngin's love.
About Me:
^{You'll never believe number 6!}

1. I'm a bit of a stoner. It's true, your boy loves himself some marijuana. (In fact, I just did a 20mg edible) I endeavor to never let it take over my life, but it aids a lot in #2 on this list. I'm also not a stranger to the very occasional mushroom trip.
2. I'm a true creative. Left to my own devices in an empty room, I would constantly create new things. Whether that be drawing, writings, photography, music or stoner ideas. It's my true nature to be a creative and to stifle that part of myself makes me pretty sad. Fortunately, I get to create on a daily basis. which brings me to..
3. I have the kindest heart. I see life through rose colored glasses, some may say. I just believe in the good in people. I think most people are good and those that are bad are redeemable. Whether someone is ultra religious, a different political affiliation, good, bad, ugly, whatever...I believe in getting to know them for myself and making my own decision of them. As a friend I always stick by my friends, no matter what. Friends in my life are friends for life, even if we lose touch. There is a downside to all this...it's that sometimes people take advantage of me. I don't care. When confronted with the choice to be loving or to be cruel or apathetic, I will always choose loving.
4. I make people laugh. Comedy and jokes have always been a part of me. Maybe it's the fact that I'm a middle child and craved attention or the fact that I grew up in a city where I had to be quick on my feet, but I love to make people laugh. This is best done in person but there can be humor over the internet too. :)
5. I don't take myself too seriously. I'm a talented person in my field and it's important for me to let go of my ego. There isn't a single person that I can't learn from and at my best I'm always open to listen to people's opinions of me or my creative work.
6. I see beauty in everyone, including you. If you hadn't guessed by now, I'm a photographer. I'm into portraits and I value my connection with people one-on-one and I think that's what makes me a talented portrait photographer. I often hear people talk about the things they hate about themselves but try to reflect to them their true beauty. The beauty that was always there and that they need to be reconnected to.
7. I'm culturally Latino. My parents are from El Salvador, but I was born and raised in DC. I have the experience of being born into a family of immigrants and understand the duality of living in two different worlds. While Spanish was my first language, it is not what I consider to be my native tongue. While I understand all Spanish, all my Spanish is food related.
8. I've done the self work. It's true. I'm not a man that punches walls, gets drunk and cries, will cheat on you, lie to you or a myriad of other things that toxic people do. I am not without faults, of course, but I have worked my demons out for the most part. I'm very self-aware and open to criticism and change.
9. I'm honest 99.5% of the time. Anyone professing to be honest 100% of the time is a liar. Ask me directly and I'll tell you my last big lie.
10. I know where I want to be in life. I'm close to getting there too. I've been at it for 13 years now and I feel that success is imminent. Will you be a part of it?

So what are you waiting for? Dust off that old keyboard, pound away at a few keys, and get ready to embark on an unforgettable adventure brought to you by (as they said in my day) the world wide web.
P.S - I'm 6'2. I should've started with that.

My girlfriend '21 F'and I '21M' broke up about a month ago. It wasn't an ugly one. We loved each other and always will but we couldn't work through our differences and decided that it was for the best for the both of us to split up. If I am being honest, one could look at things and say that it was mutual breakup but when we were having the conversation about whether we should stay together or break up, it looked like she was just too exhausted and had lost her will in fighting for this. I could sense it and I finally asked her, " Do you think we are fighting for a losing cause?", to which she replied that she's not fighting anymore, not right now. She was and I think still is the most beautiful human being I've ever come across. We dated for 2 years and everything was perfect. I couldn't imagine my life without her, still can't.
We had a big fight during valentine's. During the month of January, we were fighting almost every weekend. So, I decided to make up for all the fighting, in February, on Valentine's day, and decided to order her a gift which was a photo of us and the Spotify link of the first song we slow danced on, printed on a wooden plaque. The month of February came and she initiated the conversation about valentine's gift but I wanted to surprise her with my gift so I didn't tell her at first about it, but she felt bad that I wasn't as excited about valentine's. I then assured her that wasn't the case and I revealed my gift to her. She didn't outright say it but I could figure that she didn't like the gift( before this, I gifted her a paper on which I sewed a heart and drew a Spotify link of a playlist that I made her of songs which I wanted to dedicate to her. She just felt that both the gifts were very similar and that I just came up with the wooden plaque thingy on the spot and that I hadn't given it much thought. She just felt that it was used up and cliché. I genuinely didn't even think of my previous gift which I gave while selecting this one. I just thought that it would be a sweet thing to gift. Idk but I just wanted to surprise her, maybe in that process I hid my excitement and she must've felt that I wasn't excited or something. We were in a long distance relationship for our whole 2 years btw ). She asked me if it was okay if we don't do anything for this valentine's. I was definitely not okay with that and I asked her if there was something that she would like to have as a gift. She was still a little upset so she said that if I cared I would've asked her in the first place. 2 days after this I still ordered her the gift because I thought that she might've not seen the photo or the song that I printed on the plaque and that seeing the gift will change her mind. Few days went by and when the gift was about to arrive at her place, I started teasing her a little bit that I am sending her something. She got really upset, and said whatever I was sending her I must cancel it or return it. I told her that it couldn't be cancelled as it was already dispatched and about to arrive.She then asked me when did I order it, and I said I had ordered it before we had the conversation about not celebrating valentine's ( which was a lie ). She said that she will throw it, not open it or return the gift rather than accepting it. It really angered and hurt me when she said that. She then sent me Rs. 500 for the gift and asked me if that was enough or the gift costed more. I told her that it was enough but in reality it was for Rs. 540. She asked me to swear on her if that was the actual cost of the gift, and I did. I know, I fucked up. This was one rule in our relationship that we would never break, but I did and I will always regret doing that. I just- I will never forgive myself for doing so. 3 days passed by and the gift arrived. Along with the gift also came the fee invoice, on which the actual price of the gift and order date was written. The worst part is that I was still trying to defend myself. She asked me if I will stop manipulating the situation and tell the truth. I didn't even realise what I was doing. Her trust broke at that moment, and with her trust something else also broke that day in our relationship. We were never the same after that in our relationship but we didn't break up. We still worked together on our relationship. 3 months went by and i could see that she was giving her best to me and I was giving all that I could to her as well, but the guilt of what I did was so much for me that I would end up apologizing for it to her almost every day, and she would assure me that it was okay and that she had moved past that and I should too but I just couldn't. I could see she was getting irritated and exhausted of having the same conversation again and again for 3 months. Then came the day when everything broke down. 14th April, she said that she felt like we were like an old married couple who were in a relationship just for the sake of it. At that point I could feel something break in me. For those 3 months I was trying to have conversations with her on phone but I felt like she didn't seem interested in talking to me, She would either be on her phone than talking to me, so I told her that I felt like we are just updating each other of our day and it feels like a chore. I asked her if we could change this and she said "haven't we tried", to which I said "we have". I just felt like she has lost the will to fight for this and I have given her every reason to feel that way.
When we were having the conversation about whether we should still continue dating, one of the points she put forward was that I had lost myself in the relationship. I lost my individuality, the things that made me me. She had expressed this feeling before as well, that she felt like she was dating a version of herself and not me. That I was so scared to loose her that I lost myself in that process. That I was doing things just so that I don't lose her. I had no opinions of my own. One more fucked up thing is that whenever we went on dates, she was the one who initiated them in the last 6 months of our relationship. I felt like the most terrible person to ever exist in her life. So I decided that it time for me to work on myself and that if I continue things like they are, I will lose her, in return I just asked her to be please be gentle and patient with me. She indeed was gentle and patient and i initiated some fun online play dates but she was just busy with her stuff there and we couldn't do them.
Finally, on the call, I asked her, "are we breaking up?", she said "yeah". Her voice trembled and i broke down. In a shaky voice, she said " I need to cut this call ". I said " I'm sorry ". She said " I'm sorry too ". I locked myself in the washroom and cried.
It's been over a month to this and I still feel numb and scared. I find it difficult to sleep. I find it difficult to focus on things. I just keep thinking of all the things that I did wrong. I still care about her but the fact that she will never be mine again is too heavy for me, so I don't contact her much. I am not able to feel anything. I just feel this void. She was my everything. I painted a globe on a ball and wrote " You mean the world to me " on her birthday. She really did mean the world to me. I don't know what to do. She was my first ever girlfriend. She saw me and accepted me when I was invisible to others. She is the reason I know what love actually is.
Idk why I wrote such a long story. I guess I just needed to talk to someone about this.

I feel that I wish I was the best version of me when my mum was still alive. It's preventing me from becoming the best version of me because out of everyone in the world, she deserved that version of me the most, not the one she got.
Have you felt this way? How have you overcome it?
I feel quite 'stuck'.
I would hate for her to be watching on, not having experienced the better me while she was here. It's guilt, really.

Welcome, ainme
Do you have what it takes to conquer the tower? With Season 2 set to air in July, u/laughing-fox13 and I would like to open the door of the tower to you.
Will you face the tower's challenges and quit?
Will you die trying?
Or will you realize your potential and discover what lies within?
Reach the top and everything will be yours.
What is Tower of God?
"Twenty-Fifth Bam is a boy who had only known a dark cave, a dirty cloth, and an unreachable light his entire life. So when a girl named Rachel came to him through the light, his entire world changed. Becoming close friends with Rachel, he learned various things about the outside world from her. But when Rachel says she must leave him to climb the Tower, his world shatters around him. Vowing to follow after her no matter what it takes, he sets his sight on the tower, and a miracle occurs."
"Thus begins the journey of Bam, a young boy who was not chosen by the Tower but opened its gates by himself."
-MAL Rewrite
Why should I watch Tower of God?
Tower of God is the rare breed of epic fantasy within whose world and characters a person can lose themself. Currently spanning more than 600 Webtoon chapters over nearly a decade and a half, SIU has crafted a vast labyrynth of narrative, lore, and character intrigue to rival any long-running work of fiction.
If you're the kind of person who seeks stories with distinct worlds, locales, power systems, politics, races, lifeforms, history, and challenges, or if you want something as simple as a story about a boy seeking to fulfill the dream of the girl he adores alongside an interesting cast of colorful characters, then Tower of God is for you.
Tower of God also boasts an original soundtrack by Kevin Penkin. If you're a fan of Penkin's work on other shows such as Made in Abyss, Rising of the Shield Hero, The Apothecary Diaries, or the currently airing Spice and Wolf remake, then Tower of God will be well worth your time.
Series Information
MAL Anilist Kitsu AniDB ANN
Proposed Schedule
Should this thread receive enough interest, the plan is to begin on Monday, June 17 and watch one episode per day, ending with a series discussion on June 30. Threads would go up at 10pm UTC/6pm EST/3pm PST.
Where to Watch
Tower of God is available to stream subbed and dubbed on Crunchyroll.
One last note: Potential rewatchers, please make sure to tag anything that could be considered a spoiler. Tower of God has a lot of interesting lore, history, and narrative directions that are best experienced blind, and I want newcomers to be able to have the experience of discovering it all for the first time unspoiled. This goes especially for [Tower of God]any and all references to Rachel.
Please refer to this thread if you need guidance for adding spoiler tags on anime.
Thanks, and I hope you’ll consider joining!

I’m using a M4. Maxed out XP (20/20). Any suggestions on upgrading it to a monster. If you know it already pretty great without mods. All i require is great recoil control. The best i can at least. Thanks in advance. Let’s have fun with it.

I am basically brand new to creative writing, having not written anything since I was a teenager. I've recently felt a spark to start writing again. I'm hoping for some honest critiques so I can know what I have to improve on. Thank you!!
This is an excerpt from a short story. For some context, the MC is living in modern times, gets lost while driving home, her car dies and she ends up walking to look for help. She winds up here...
"Words escape me as I take in the woman in front of me. She is dressed in a floor length navy blue gown reminiscent of sometime in the 17th century. My eyes shift behind her… a fire is lit in a hearth. Next to a window on the far side are a table with two chairs. And seated in one of them is a man, who by this point is beginning to stand up and make his way to the door as well. The way their faces looked when they looked at me was similar to how I imagine my own face looked. Pure, undiluted confusion. I shake my head and tried to find words. “Who are you?” Demanded the man as he approached. “I… I’m lost.. I.. my car broke down a couple of miles down the road.. I just need a phone so I can call for help..I..” I spluttered. “Are you okay, miss?” The woman asked with concern in her face. “I’m not sure, to be honest.” Their gazes shift from confusion to concern to suspicion as they take in the sight of me. While they are dressed for a renaissance faire, I’m sporting a thigh length floral print dress with a denim jacket. “Who are you?” The man demands again. “My name is Millie… I work just down the road at the James River Elementary School… I’m just trying to get home. Do you have a phone I could use, please? I need to call for help.” “Phone?" He glances at his wife, motioning for her to move away from the doorway, "Miss, I haven’t a clue what you speak of…” Who on earth doesn’t know what a phone is? I can’t be so far out of town that I’m talking to people who are that out of touch. I begin to explain but think better of it. “Miss, please come with me..” He dons a long brown jacket over his off-white cotton shirt and steps out the door past me, motioning for me to follow. Something about following a strange man, wearing historical clothing, down a dark path through the woods feels very wrong at this moment, but I don’t see a way out of it. So I follow for several quiet minutes until we come upon another building, slightly larger than the house we just came from. This one also has a thatched roof, with smoke billowing out of a chimney. The man opens the door and holds it for me, motioning me forward. I go. “Good evening, constable…” He says to a man seated at a wooden table. He has a piece of old looking paper and a feather quill in front of him, along with an ancient looking mug. This is all beginning to feel like a fever dream. I’m almost too confused to feel the fear that continues to build inside me. “Who is this here, Thomas?” He says to the man, eyeing me with suspicion. “She just showed up at our doorstep. She’s been mutterin’ on about needin’ help… talkin’ all kinds of nonsense about something called a…” He turns to me and says “What did you say, miss…?” “My car broke down a few miles down the road… I walked here, I can’t find my phone, I just need some help getting home…” I say with urgency. “All I need is to make a phone call and I’ll be out of your way…” “That was it.. phone? See, speakin’ nonsense, sir. I figured it best to bring her here.” The man, Thomas, says. “I see.. I see.” The constable rubs his temples as if exasperated and stands up, the chair scraping against the wooden floor as he pushes it back. “I’ll take it from here, Thomas. I thank ya. You’ll best be on your way.” At that, Thomas turns on a heel and walks back out the door the way we came. The constable takes a firm hold of my upper arm and leads me to a barred cell. “What is this?” I demand, beginning to panic. “Miss, I will not take the chance of witchery here. It’s my job as constable to keep the citizens of Jamestown safe, and I intend to do so. You’ll stay here til the morning, when Justice Stoughton will see ya.” He had a thick accent, English I think. It was like a light bulb in my mind suddenly flashed bright. The lack of traffic, the buildings, the historical clothing and weird speech… the confusion when I told them I needed my phone. Either at some point from the time I left work until now, I traveled back in time to early Virginia… or I’m dreaming. I resolve that the only thing that makes sense is that I’m dreaming. And I’d like to wake up now. At some point in the night, I fall asleep. As I sit leaning against the cold wall of the cell, the adrenaline from the evening wears off a bit. I can’t help but feel utter exhaustion, which eventually gives way to sleep. Several hours later, I wake with a start, confused about where I am. My body aches from sleeping sitting up. I glance over to the window and notice that the dark is giving way to dawn and the birds are beginning to sing. I rub my eyes, hardly able to believe that this nightmare hasn’t ended yet. I hear footsteps approaching. The constable fumbles with a set of large keys as he searches for the one to my cell. Once he manages to unlock it, he sets a piece of bread and a metal mug on the floor near the door with a clunk. I didn’t realize until this moment that I am absolutely ravenous. A crusty piece of bread off the floor doesn’t sound appetizing but at this very moment I will take what I can get. I reach over to retrieve my fare. I quickly eat the bread and take a gulp from the mug."

My name is Daemian Hawk, and I'm here looking for a romantic partner, a possible chieftess and, hopefully, my soulmate. I'll be honest, I am a Malaysian pagan who is currently in the broom closet but will soon be free once I leave my home-country. There may be better times to make such posts, but I feel like it's best to take my chances and start now, I hope any potential lovers will agree! after I leave, I'll be focused on settling down and making a village with my clan(found family) for many different reasons. One of the reasons is to have a family sharing a traditional way of life that is not restrictive.
I hope to meet someone who is understanding, loving, family-orientated, May have a sense of tradition but still open-minded. If you believe in a different religion than my belief that's still okay, I don't mind, I might even learn more about your religion/belief to respect you better.
My interests are fantasy (sci-fi included), philosophy, mystical practices, history, cultural studies and more (learn more personally).
I'm 5'7 tall, curly black hair, brown eyes, INFJ, Dyslexic, traditionalist but more open-minded, solarpunk, prefer green than concrete, dropped out from middle school, good at cooking, cuddle bug, gamer, a potential house husband, loves to garden in the rain and climb trees :3
My ambition is to create a solarpunk village with my clan(found family). If you are interested, you can help make the dream come true and we both can become it's leaders. Important note: I won't be accepting those from the USA due to my experience and advice given to me. Feel free to prove me wrong, but that's my only 'rule' for lack of a better word.
That's all for now. Thank you for taking the time to read this post, and may everyone have a blessed day.

Hey all!
I have a friend who is leaving a shitty home situation and is starting with not much more than a suitcase of clothing and lives in Toronto. They're moving into an apartment and need pretty much every major piece of furniture, furnishings, bedding, etc.
They're an immigrant and have reached out to a resource they found to try and get some furniture, but it's not looking great.
I'm wondering if there are any resources for:

• Free or cheap furniture that would offer delivery of some kind.
• The best gift cards to give them, or the best use of my money to help them out.
• Any other advice you could offer.

Thank you so much in advance!