I had the chance to try out the 1 VI yesterday. I am in the market for a new phone and was looking at the S24 Ultra and Pixel 8 Pro. Of the two, I liked the Pixel 8 Pro: despite some reviews saying it's video taking capabilities were good but not as good as its competitors, it's size and stock android experience were more preferable than the S24 Ultra. Anyway, this is about the 1 VI.
Build Quality It's a crossover from 1 V, though the 1 V is closer to the 1 IV when held in hand. The main factor is the screen. It feels light but grippy thanks to its case design.
Screen Gotta be honest here. If I had more time with it, I probably could make out more differences with my 1 IV or the demo 1 V. The shop might not be the best place with its interior lighting. But I honestly thought the 1 VI had the better screen, didn't really notice any pixelation effect. One thing I did not like with the 1 IV was its screen was too dim. I often had to do scrutinize my photos and videos for insufficient lighting and exposure because of the screen dimness. I really appreciate the increase in brightness. Despite that, there doesn't seem to be any noticeable deficiency of viewing experience from a 4k to a 1080p resolution. The 1 VI sharpness and vividness were somewhat better, might be due to the increase in brightness. With regards to playback of 4k recorded videos, I did not notice any deficiency as well. I saw some claims of 4k video playback taking a hit with the new display but the experience was not too dissimilar from the 1 IV and 1 V. So to test this, I streamed some 4k videos from youtube and recorded some 4k videos as well. My fears weren't really confirmed. But I have to say one thing I really doubted from the many reviewers commenting that the downgrade was nothing to worry about, I wouldn't say I was blown away by the quality. Perhaps the 1 IV has spoiled me to the point of not really being blown away by any other phone display, the S24 Ultra's and Pixel's screens included.
Performance I didn't really notice any throttling while using it. Most of the time I was snapping pics and recording videos. My biggest concern with the 1 IV was the overheating. The 1 VI didn't seem to overheat. It was quite snappy.
Cameras Gotta be honest here as well. In terms of quality, I couldn't really notice any glaring improvements. Seemed like more of the same with the 1 IV, with some additional toys to play with. Granted, I'm not the type to scrutinize photos like I'm playing "spot the difference" games. So my expectations of taking good photos are still met. My experience with the new app though was not that good, though I could say the same thing when learning the Xperia's camera suite. With the amount of manual configurations, the old camera suite encouraged fiddling and experimentation. But since there were 3, each had a purpose different from each other. Imagine collapsing all of those things into one app. My initial impressions are mixed. While I do appreciate one app, the execution could have been done better. With the S24U and P8P pro modes, they were able to present a clean and uncluttered interface by presenting users with the basic functions and tucking away the pro features in advanced menus. With the camera app, it was like using the Office Ribbon/toolbar. You could easily fill up the screen with sub-menus with a few clicks. I saw a post here comparing the interface with pixel's camera app, they weren't really mistaken. While the old camera suite was overwhelming at first, I grew to appreciate, embrace and enjoy them over time. I hope the experience would be the same with this unified app.
The thing that stopped me from buying the 1 VI over the P8P was the fingerprint scanner. Mine is currently broken due to the recent update. I can only reuse the fingerprint scanner after powering off the phone for 10 minutes with the case off to let it cool down. Even with this, it's not guaranteed to work all the time. And it's quite annoying to do. This really interferes with utilizing the phone, especially doing banking. But I ended up pulling the trigger on the 1 VI since it seemed like I was still getting an upgrade despite many people's misgivings on the downgraded screen and the price. To me, I understand both camps. The display is a major part of phones. It superseded tactile keyboards as our way of interaction. A 4k display is a premium feature. Getting something less as part of an integral feature affects the perception of the phone's "premiumness", it's quality. While Sony did make major changes and improvements in other areas, it rightly attracted negative feedback due to the resolution change. But then, that's the thing. The 1 VI isn't only just a display, it's also many things as well. It's a battery that's able to power a good display, multiple cameras and the best chip on the current market. It's an SD card slot that can store your pictures, videos and files. It's a headphone jack which allows you to use headsets and IEMs. It's many things constituting to one device. While the price is quite high, it's not absurdly high from my perspective.
Final note: one thing I really don't like with my 1 IV is the read and write speeds to the SD card. You can slap on the best in class SD card inside but it's throttled. I learned this the hard way. Hopefully, but I'm not counting on it, they improved upon this and increase or just leave this be. Just let the read/write speeds be as quick as they're supposed to be. I understand the decision a bit since transferring files to the SD card warms up the phone. I don't know if it's a Xperia design issue or a limitation on phones themselves but really looking forward in improvements here.

For most of the dentists I have worked with, they all have billing problems. Wrong numbers/Did not file insurance claim correctly/Wrong item on the billing. Some of the financial ppl they hire don’t even take these numbers seriously. Last week I was asked to talk to this financial ppl for treatment plan after getting aligned with the doctor. However the financial plan and the numbers are so sketchy that the young man don’t have answer to most of my questions. He guessed around and corrected his own words all time. He also had to correct a few items when I asked about them. I trust the doctor but how could I trust his team who would handle my personal information like ssn/insurance/credit cards if they are not serious or detail oriented. I just don’t understand. And what was even worse is that this guy did not feel sorry at all. I emailed the doctor and he just explained to the doctor and not to me. I get it ppl make mistakes. What is unacceptable is the attitude. It usually takes thousands of dollars for dental treatment. Is that too little to be treated seriously? But I guess when it comes to business, reputation and trust does matter?

Record temperatures, record migration, record emissions, record displacement, record PFAS……start building an ark.
Last Week in Collapse: May 12-18, 2024
This is Last Week in Collapse, a weekly newsletter compiling some of the most important, timely, useful, soul-crushing, ironic, stunning, exhausting, or otherwise must-see/can’t-look-away moments in Collapse.
This is the 125th newsletter! You can find the May 5-11 edition here if you missed it last week. You can also receive these posts (with images) every Sunday in your email inbox with Substack.
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Flash flooding in northern Afghanistan killed 300+ people and destroyed 1,000+ homes. Hundreds of thousands of others have been affected. Last month, similar floods in the region killed 70+. Four died in Texas storms last week as well.
Venezuela is suffering from record wildfires, which so far this year have burned about 5M acres—almost the size of Sardinia. Some experts think indigenous people started the blaze as an attempt at forest clearance, which quickly got out of hand. “Institutional failures” compounded the disaster when the ailing government responded with an inadequate number of poorly equipped firefighters. Another study from last week examined the impact of wildfires on soil health.
Flooding and “cold lava” killed 50+ in Indonesia, injuring dozens and displacing several thousand. Cold lava is a mixture of water and rocks tumbling down the side of a volcano. Meanwhile, an actual volcano erupted in Indonesia, sending smoke & ash 5000m high; further eruptions are possible soon.
The Swiss Re Institute published a 37-page report last week about natural disasters in 2023—and how much damage, in USD, they caused. The largest catastrophe was the February 7.8 earthquake in Türkiye & Syria, which killed 59,000+ people and caused $163B+ in damage. The report is full of interesting graphics & data about natural disasters.

“Last year, economic losses from natural catastrophes reached USD 280 billion, meaning that 62% of the global losses were uninsured….the insured losses surpassed USD 100 billion for the fourth consecutive year….annual insured losses will grow by 5–7% over the long term…today’s insured losses could double in 10 years….There were 142 insured-loss inducing catastrophes in 2023, a new record. Most were of medium severity, which we define as events resulting in losses of USD 1–5 billion….Over the last 30 years, we estimate that natural catastrophe insured losses have grown by 3 percentage points more annually than the global economy (in inflation adjusted terms)...”

Flooding and heat waves are impacting Brazil’s oranges, responsible for about 70% of the world’s supply. One food analysts declared that the “era of cheap food is over”—in the UK, at least. That may be one reason why UK residents took record food bank packages last year. Madagascar is struggling to adapt to a future with far less rainfall.
France is growing more concerned about a dam on Lake Geneva, controlled exclusively by Switzerland. The Rhône River, which begins in Switzerland and flows south through France, is shrinking in summers as climate change melts Switzerland’s remaining glaciers.
The Tonlé San River has been dammed in Vietnam, lowering the level in Cambodia and sometimes drying the river downstream entirely. Meanwhile, China’s lychee harvest is getting blasted by rain, impacting the world’s largest source of lychee. And, once again, Saudi Arabia is suffering flooding in its inland regions. 7 dead in historic flooding in Iran.
The eminent climate scientist James Hansen posted that, since “human-made aerosols and their cooling effect are in decline,” the cooling effect of La Niña will be counterbalanced by these rising temperatures. He also identifies a “large anomaly of increased absorbed solar radiation at midlatitudes in the Northern Hemisphere” responsible for rising temperatures there. CO2 levels are rising faster today than they have at any point in the previous 50,000 years…and a study of millennia-old trees determined last summer was the hottest worldwide in 2,000+ years…
Record nighttime May temperatures were tied in the Philippines and Vietnam. A couple Indonesian cities broke records for May temperatures. And a number of southern African states saw more records drop. And Toronto saw a record tied for the number of days reaching 14 °C (57 °F). A heat wave has returned to Bangladesh. Flooding in Cali (pop: 2.9M), Colombia.
The University of Washington was ordered to stop a geoengineering project that scientists sere conducting from the deck of a decommissioned aircraft carrier. The experiment ejected aerosolized saltwater in an attempt to reflect solar radiation. A comparative study in Nature Communications of a number of carbon pricing found that, yes, carbon pricing does work to reduce the total CO2 emitted.
It’s that time of the year again. Wildfires in Canada grow, some of which are moving towards the tar sands—forcing thousands to evacuate. 39 of the total nation’s blazes are “out of control,” resulting in air quality alerts in the United States. Meanwhile, across the Caribbean, water shortages have become the new normal, and residents (and tourists) are finding their old consumption habits hard to change. St. Lucia has declared a water emergency. In Myanmar, water shortages worsen, particularly as related to the spiraling conflict.
At least ⅛ of Europeans live in a place at risk of extreme flooding—so says a 175-page report from the European Environment Agency posted on Wednesday. The number of people living in flood-risk coastal areas in the EU & UK is expected to jump 24% by 2050. The graphics-packed report also considers how flooding will impact healthcare facilities, mental health, wastewater treatment plants, the spread of disease, cyanobacteria, permafrost thaw, and much else.

“Europe has seen devastating floods following record rainfall, droughts of magnitudes not experienced in hundreds of years, continuing sea level rise, and increasing lake and sea temperatures….permanent water stress already affects 30% of people in southern Europe….since 2018, more than half of Europe has been impacted by extreme drought conditions….Climate change is expected to increase mercury bioaccumulation in the marine food chain due to rising ocean temperatures, ocean acidification and permafrost thawing….Depression, anxiety and PTSD may persist for years after a flooding event….Under the changing climate, northern Europe is becoming wetter in general, but drier in summer. Southern Europe is becoming drier, especially in winter. For central-eastern and western Europe, the trend is less clear…” -selections from the report

Milan suffered flooding last week, the worst May flooding in 170 years. Early spring in the UK has disrupted migratory bird species and their usual patterns.
A 74-page working paper which is not yet peer-reviewed claims that earlier estimates for how much GDP would be impacted by another 1 °C temperature rise is way less than it would be in actuality. The paper claims the real cost (in USD) is about 6x greater. They claim “global temperature has much more pronounced impacts on economic activity than local temperature” and that extreme weather is mostly behind the projected decline in productivity.
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Epidemiologists are worried about how climate change in Africa may extend the life of disease-bearers like ticks and mosquitoes. Other epidemiologists are worried about how cattle may become a permanent reservoir for H5N1. Growing traced of bird flu have been found in wastewater testing in the U.S., but investigators think it may be runoff from infected dairy farms.
Obesity, high blood sugar, and high blood pressure rates today globally are 50% higher than in 2000—though researchers claim that air pollution still poses a larger threat. Of a study participants in Hawai’i, 75% had respiratory issues, probably from the Maui wildfires last year.
The 2024 World Migration Report is out, and its 384 pages are not as apocalyptic as one might think. However, internally displaced people are at their all-time highest. India, Mexico, Russia, China, and Syria lead the world in emigrants; another document contains the definitions for who exactly constitutes a migrant. Unfortunately much of the data relied upon ends in 2022. Data from this year, not included in the above report, indicates a 40% jump in traffic through the Darien Gap compared to the same time period in 2023.

“The last two years saw major migration and displacement events that have caused great hardship and trauma, as well as loss of life….There have also been large-scale displacements triggered by climate- and weather-related disasters in many parts of the world in 2022 and 2023, including in Pakistan, the Philippines, China, India, Bangladesh, Brazil and Colombia….disinformation tactics are increasingly being used by nefarious actors with negative impacts on public, political and social media discourse on migration….Forced displacement is the highest on record in the modern era…overconsumption and overproduction linked to unsustainable economic growth, resource depletion and biodiversity collapse, as well as ongoing climate change (including global heating) are continuing to grip the world….the risk of further conflict has not been higher in decades, as military spending reached a new record high of USD 2,240 billion in 2022…” -excerpts from the introduction

Another report, focusing on internal displacement, came out last week; its 69 pages show a cross-section of about 47M people displaced by natural disasters (56%) or armed conflict (44%). Most of the disasters were storms & flooding, and most of the conflicts were civil wars of some form. This report also provides detailed region-by-region analyses—with sub-Saharan Africa accounting for 46% of global IDPs.

“Conflict and violence triggered 13.5 million movements, the highest figure for the past 15 years….Disasters and conflict are presented as different triggers, but their impacts can overlap, often leading to repeated and/ or protracted displacement….Drought triggered 331,000 displacements in Somalia….Floods triggered 550,000 displacements in Ethiopia….Conflict and violence triggered 3.8 million displacements in DRC in 2023, a slight fall from the record four million in 2022, but still the second-highest figure globally after Sudan….nearly two-thirds of the internal displacements recorded in 2023 originated from Khartoum state. More than 39 per cent of the state's inhabitants were forced to flee, leaving entire neighbourhoods empty….Criminal and communal violence triggered nearly three-quarters of Nigeria's 291,000 conflict displacements….” -selections from the spotlight on sub-Saharan Africa

Experts are concerned about the mental health impacts that climate change has on our minds. Hotter temperatures reportedly increase depression & aggression. Wildfires and storms can cause PTSD. Workers feel stress and desperation as their usual industries are impacted. And air pollution influences ordinary brain processes in many ways.
Some analysts believe “Peak China” may be over, signaling a period of economic tapering-off, as well as a growing militancy. Increasing U.S. tariffs on Chinese goods are continuing to separate the two economies. The Netherlands finally formed a provisional government, though its proposed immigration & farming policies have set it at odds with the EU.
The Federal Reserve, the U.S. central bank, released a 46-page report on potential climate risks to the banking system’s resilience. As far as I understood, most of the risk lies in extreme weather events and the risk to insurance agencies.
Part of southeast England experienced an outbreak of Cryptosporidium, a diarrhea & vomiting illness, highly contagious, which can last weeks. At least 22 cases have been reported. Meanwhile, the CDC is issuing warnings about the more dangerous strain of monkeypox circulating in the DRC, although cases are currently limited to Africa.
North Carolina’s Senate voted to ban mask-wearing last week, under the reasoning that it would make police identification of protestors difficult. An fMRI study found lasting neurological changes in COVID survivors; they “had significantly higher cognitive complaints of mental fatigue and cognitive failure….even two years after recovering.” Experts say a summer rise in COVID cases is coming to the United States.
A study on The Canadian/American Great Lakes found that PFAS levels are increasing in the 3 largest lakes (Superior, Huron, and Michigan), while decreasing in the other two (Erie, Ontario). The study also found that precipitation is the primary means by which the Lakes are accumulating PFAS, since the chemicals are small & stable enough to move through the water cycle. Meanwhile, in England’s Lake District, a telecom failure resulted in raw sewage being pumped into England’s largest and most famous lake, Windermere, on-and-off for 10 hours; and a major British water CEO took a $4M USD pay package last year. And a look into the Chicago River’s health found that microplastics & trash are endangering health & biodiversity.
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An assassination attempt by a lone wolf on Slovakia’s PM left him in critical condition, but likely to survive. 11 civilians were slain by cartel fighters in a few battles in Mexico. Violence continues to spiral out of control in Goma, DRC.
In Haiti, everything worsens indefinitely. Guns have reportedly entered from Florida, a phenomenon which officials call an “iron river.” Police have been put on the defensive against the growing might of the gang warlords.
A brawl broke out in Taiwan’s parliament. An Iranian plot was allegedly foiled to smuggle weapons into Jordan to destabilize the pro-U.S. regime.
Dozens more died in Sudan from escalating violence around Darfur. People are warning about “a disaster on top of a disaster” and the possibility of Sudan splitting apart. Others have called it “hell on earth” as 1,000+ refugees cross the Chad border every day. Disease and malnutrition are growing, while famine encroaches upon 9M helpless victims of the conflict—but the world’s attention is elsewhere.
The U.S. Army Engineers completed constructing the pier in Gaza to deliver humanitarian aid. Some 600,000 Gazans have been displaced from Rafah already, and fighting has escalated against Hamas militants in northern Gaza.
Taliban forces skirmished with Pakistani soldiers for about 90 minutes last week. Taliban attacks in Pakistan, and counterattacks have resulted in a kind of ambient disruption for the rocky border zone.
Violent protests—and counteroperations—are continuing in New Caledonia (pop: 270,000), a Pacific island part of overseas France. The riots, which have killed 6 people so far, began after metropolitan France proposed a plan to expand voting rights beyond indigenous residents. A state of emergency has been declared amid worries about a spiral of violence taking hold.
As the Sahel dries out, experts are concerned about the links to rising terrorism in the region. The Sahel accounts for over 40% of global terrorism deaths—according to the analysts’ understanding of “terrorism.” Mali in particular has reportedly become home to 41 new, different non-state armed groups (NSAGs) since 2007. A contested election in Chad resulted in the consolidation of the interim leader’s power.

“If governments are continually unable to solve regional issues, the people will be at the whim of any terror group that has a basic organization. It serves these groups’ interests to promote insecurity where they can and create security where they want. A “hearts and minds” campaign in the Sahel could lead to long-term and locally supported insurgencies in a land that is currently rife with civil strife.” -from the article

Some wargamers concluded that a Trump victory in 2020 would spell the end of NATO, or at least the end of its utility. Vladimir Putin replaced his minister of defense with a top economic advisor, just before going to Beijing to reaffirm their friendship with “no limits.” Some say Putin is planning on a forever war. Some say NATO is gearing up for one, too.
Russia made several gains in the suburbs of Kharkiv, seizing several settlements which some analysts doubt they will hold. Putin claims they aren’t really trying to take Kharkiv anyway… Russia also made small progress in the Donbas—although they suffered their largest one-day casualties since the start of the war. The U.S. allocated another $2B to hasten the delivery of weapons to the front lines. The next weeks will be crucial on the front. Switzerland has invited 160+ nations to send delegates to a peace summit intended to design a path to making peace in this War.
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Select comments/threads from the subreddit last week suggest:
-Brazil’s flooding was really, really bad, judging from this post and its accompanying images. Across just one of Brazil’s 26 states, 600,000+ people have been made homeless, 100+ have died, and the storm season isn’t over yet. Some of the flooding isn’t expected to subside for another month.
-How specifically might climate change make humanity extinct? This thread crowdsources a number of plausible ways, from ordinary famines to nuclear war and even a massive deoxygenation process. I tend to think it will be a consequence of an eventual nuclear exchange, followed by extended famine and disease.
Got any feedback, questions, comments, complaints, upvotes, doom prophets to follow, hugelkultur guides, directions to off-grid bunkers, ark schematics, etc.? Check out the Last Week in Collapse SubStack if you don’t want to check collapse every Sunday, you can receive this newsletter sent to your (or someone else’s) email inbox every weekend. What did I forget this week?

I had a couple uncomfortable dreams, and was unable to stay asleep. I woke up at every hou40 minutes. If I managed to sleep past 15-20. I was dehydrated as well, because I ate too much flour right before going to bed. My first dream was about being watched.
There was probably a dream before that. After that one, I dreamt about a unveiled claim that billy corgan was molested by his mom. I was with my parents, sitting in the car by myself. A guy walked past who I acted like was serj tankian, even though he looked nothing like him. He had round features and looked almost mexican. Later, I had another dream where I had the awareness that my dreams were important. For a spiritual reason. Some godly, reason.
In the next dream, I was in a strange building with my family members. There was halloween decoanimatronics near the entrance or exit door. It felt like a ride as we slowly approached the walkway. I gracefully did so, probably trying to not look up at the animatronics. It's usually a reaper, constantly. Once we all were getting ready to leave, I carried a handful of things/candy. We walked outside off the porch, and I saw a younger version of my nephew. He took a piece of candy that was mine and ate it. I punched him square in the face. I vaguely remember seeing baby blankets. Before we walked outside. Everyone stood around, including my nephew at his current age. He was only a toddler. Around this time, we were in a room with some old ladies and boomers. Astrology was relevant for some reason, since I brought it up, likely. 'Leos are excessive, aries are misjudged as mean, and sags are suspicious and paranoid. About the people around them, their friends. About the world..' I paused before describing Sagittarius, feeling uneasy around the old lady who was listening to me. My mom stood at my side, probably bored or indifferent. Just like the lady seemed. She was a bitch; I could feel how much she appeared indifferent towards me. She must've been a sagittarius.
In the other side of the room, I was looking at a packet of paper that was laid in the filing drawer. It talked about the different eras of victorian houses. I saw it mentioned, 'fake doors' under victorian. That would make my house victorian, maybe. It's from the early 1900s, so just barely is it real victorian. I do not have fake doors in my house at all. I was picturing the banister on my stairs that doesn't have a lid that detaches. It's molded into the classic shape. A old lady walked over to me, pushing the filing cabinet away. Bitch, I was reading that.
At home, I went up into my bedroom. Cats were sleeping in it. A black kitten looked up at me, precious, as I tossed a cord across the floor, behind/above him. It was a cord with a plastic kitten arm on the end, like it was supposed to go to a handheld device. I thought of a gameplay controller that you plug into the tv. But it was too thin and obviously made to inject into something else. It had been laying on another kitten.
I took notice of a spider that was crawling on my bookshelf. It was white and pregnant. On one of my books, there was a spider sack on it. It was little. I don't know what happened to I assume was a second spider sack. A book with a white cover got my attention, because black specks ran over every inch of it. My little brothers had came into the room, before the infestation happened. Behind me was a rubber tub full of stuff with fabric on the top. My cats were sleeping on it. I saw my siamese in the room as well, looking at me. I woke up, itchy and scared. I hate this dream, and I also happen to hate spiders. Obviously, I have someone fake in my life. A domineering female/mother figure. Since it was both cats and spiders.

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.

Back in 2012, I started the process of leaving my abusive ex husband. While his abuse was mostly verbal and emotional, during the divorce, he got physical.
I had filed for default in the divorce and this set him off. He called the bank and had my bank account frozen and then came to my house to take things. I went in the garage to try and stop him and he hit me in the face. I called the cops and he was arrested. I went down to the court house the next day and got a restraining order.
During this time, child support opened a case. This enraged him even more and he made contact via a third party, claiming I was psychotic. I documented the restraining order violation with a police report and went about my life.
A few weeks later, I was out with the kids on the 4th of July, when I got a call from the Sheriff’s Dept. My ex had called them and claimed I was suicidal. They looked and saw I had a restraining order against him so they were calling to check on me. I told them I was fine and I was out watching fireworks with my kids. They said to have a good night. I thought that was the end of it.
About a month later, I had taken an Ambien, but instead of laying down, I did the dishes. Then I couldn’t remember if I had taken my pill or not, so I took it again, not realizing I had already taken it. I was looking over old messages in my email and found an email from my ex. I felt bad about how things were between us. I texted him, “I’m not gonna bother you anymore. Let’s just try to be amicable from now on.” . I put my phone down and fell asleep.
A short while later, I saw flashlights in my bedroom window. I got up to find the Sheriff’s Dept at my door. I opened the door and they told me that my ex had called them and said I was suicidal. I told them I had a restraining order against him. They asked to come inside and I let them in. A fatal mistake.
I explained that things were very stressful between us and that I had texted him I wasn’t going to bother him anymore and requested that we try to be amicable. I showed them my phone. I told them that I had taken an Ambien and went to bed. They asked to see my pill bottle. I gave it to them. They counted the pills and that’s when it was discovered that I took 2 pills instead of 1. The Sheriff wanted to take me to the hospital to get checked out. I cooperated with them.
They called my ex to come and get the kids, but his phone was off. I had to give them his room mates number. I told the Sheriff, “If he really thought I was suicidal, why would he turn his phone off after calling you out here? He is just harassing me.” They got ahold of him, he came and got the kids and they drove me to the hospital.
The hospital counselor comes and talks to me. I explain that I have a restraining order against the person claiming that I’m suicidal. I took the extra Ambien by mistake. It was an accident. I’m not suicidal. I’m under the care of a therapist as my divorce is very stressful. She refuses to call my therapist and instead places me on a 5150 psych hold. Now I am terrified. I’m being locked away at the request of someone I have a restraining order against.
They put me in an ambulance and ship me two hours away to the looney bin. Because it is Saturday, I didn’t see the psychiatrist until Monday. I spent that two days in utter shock. My abuser made me disappear and he used the Sheriffs to help him do it.
Monday comes. I see the psychiatrist. I explain that I have a restraining order against the person claiming I’m suicidal. The Ambien thing was an accident. My therapist can verify everything. He tells me if my therapist backs my story, he will end the hold and send me home. He calls my therapist. My therapist demands that they release me immediately. Psych tells me he will work on getting me out of here.
I used the phone at the nurses station to check my voicemail. I have a vm from my ex’s attorney saying that my ex filed for sole custody of the kids and the hearing was tomorrow. That’s when it hit me. He had me locked away on a 5150 to get the kids in his possession to file for custody to get out of paying child support. I played the message for the nurse. They got my discharge done and got me out of there within an hour.
I showed up to court the next day. His attorney approached me and asked if I would be willing to sign custody over to my ex. I stared at him until he backed away from me. When they called our case, it turned out the filing fees weren’t paid so the court refused to hear the case. We were rescheduled to the next day.
I left the court house, got a letter from my therapist and copies of all police reports. I came back the next morning and provided everything to the judge. The judge refused to give my ex custody and referred us to mediation. He instructed my ex to return the kids to me immediately. My babies were home that night.
After this incident, I was afraid to pursue the restraining order. If he was able to weaponize the Sheriff’s Dept against me in my own home with a restraining order in place, I would never be safe in this town. I had to find a new plan. I had to find a way to leave town.
6 months later, after giving away everything I owned and moving out of my place, I showed up to the court house on a crisp spring morning where I was granted permission to leave the state of California with my babies. We walked out of the court house, got in the car and drove away. We reached Las Vegas by midnight. That wasn’t our final destination, just the first part of our journey. And that is the story of how I escaped my abuser.

Lately I've been shocked by the difference between Palestinian messaging and how it is understood in the west. In their original 1988 charter, Hamas clearly lays out their goal of annihilating Israel and Jews through Jihad (Islamic Holy War).

'Israel will exist and will continue to exist until Islam will obliterate it, just as it obliterated others before it.' (Preamble)
'The Day of Judgment will not come about until Moslems fight Jews and kill them. Then, the Jews will hide behind rocks and trees, and the rocks and trees will cry out: 'O Moslem, there is a Jew hiding behind me, come and kill him.' (Article 7)
'The day the enemies usurp part of Moslem land, Jihad becomes the individual duty of every Moslem. In the face of the Jews' usurpation, it is compulsory that the banner of Jihad be raised.' (Article 15)

The magnitude of this anti-Jew and anti-Israel ideology is such that it is a core part of Palestinian youth education and media. There are many examples, but here are just a few. The first two would be humorous if they weren't so diabolical.
Hamas Mickey Mouse
Gazan Kindergarten Graduation Ceremony
Jews are barbaric apes
This propaganda has real-world effects. Dozens of Palestinian children are used as suicide bombers. To me, this might take the cake for some of the most ugly and perverse actions I've ever seen. I'd encourage people to read through this page if any.
Hamas's actions are in line with their stated aims. On October 7, Hamas and Gazan civilians can be seen celebrating over dead Israeli bodies. One video shows Gazans cheering, dancing, and spitting on dead naked Israeli woman, reflecting the fact that systemic rape on Oct 7 occurred. Over 70% of Palestinians support the actions on Oct 7. Hamas has promised to repeat Oct 7 again and again.
We also see this ideology reflected in the Palestinian Authority's "Pay for Slay", a fund that pays West Bank Palestinians a stipend for committing terrorism against Israel.
The point of sharing these things is not to demonize Palestinians or make any type of justification. The point is that in the west, we mistranslate this conflict into a framework that we comprehend and sympathize with. For most westerners, it's difficult to commiserate with religious fundamentalists and accept that they might want different things than we do (such as using billions of dollars in aid for terrorism instead of infrastructure). SJP would have you believe that Hamas wants to "decolonize" Palestine and Oct 7 was "resistance". Israel is the "white" oppressor, and Palestine is the oppressed--a framework we are all too familiar with. We assume that Hamas wants coexistence, when their words and actions have shown the opposite.
The "From the river to the sea" chant was created in the 60s and has historically been used by Hamas among other groups as a call to destroy Israel. A variation of the phrase in Arabic is "From the river to the sea, Palestine will be Arab". Yet in the west we associate the phrase with Palestinian "liberation", a concept that we can relate to. Consider the absurdity of someone waving a swastika and claiming that it's a Buddhist good fortune symbol. But this is essentially happening at colleges across the US, along with intifada chants. Israel's conduct in the war, modern settlements, and the failures of the Israeli government are different topics--I just wanted to elucidate how westerners downplay religious and ideological factors, despite Hamas themselves displaying their intent to destroy Israel and Jews.

I'm at a point where I'm not able to determine if my 6th Amendment rights are being violated or if I am overreacting.
I am currently fighting an assault charge (misdemeanor, NY State). Over the past 8 months, I've been through the process of filing motions, negotiating plea deals with the DA, and a couple of adjournments. During this time, I have been appointed 6 different Public Defenders, with just one of the replacements being brought to my attention before finding out the day I had court. Also, after the 3rd appointed attorney, I made it known that I needed to be, and I needed an attorney, to be proactive and tried to meet with the PD's office to stay informed about the proceedings. The final straw was last week, on the morning of the day I was to appear; I was told that another attorney would be appointed for me as the last one was handling other obligations. This was not communicated to me beforehand which left me feeling unprepared.
In court that day, I expressed my concerns about my 6th Amendment right being violated due to the ineffective and unreasonable counsel I was provided. I also asked for permission to write a formal letter to the judge stating my reasoning for my claims of rights violation, but I was denied. The judge agreed that my counsel had fallen short but assured me that I would be given fair counsel when I next appeared in court, which is this coming Wednesday.
Although I was homeless, I always had a way for them to contact me. Only once was I unable to make it to court due to lack of transportation, and I was previously permitted to allow my attorney to speak on my behalf. None of the issues were caused by anything I had done or not done.
I am reaching out to get opinions on my situation. I want to be fair and not appear guilty when I am innocent under the false statement made against me by an angry man who would rather commit perjury than talk to me face to face.

Hi All, long time lurker, just wrote up a post but somehow it vanished while typing. I used the search and the sub knowledge base but didn't see my question. Looking for some guidance/advice or a success story.
I recently went to a Veterans Center to see if I was eligible for counseling. While there, I shared some traumatic experiences over my 30 year Army Reserve career. The Advisor encouraged me to file a claim for PTSD/Anxiety/Depression.
I retired from the Army Reserve in 2013. In 2008, I was promoted and, that summer, received orders for a 6 week qualification course for my new position. When I returned to my civilian job, my supervisor and manager retaliated in every way possible, making the workplace and life a living hell. My primary care doc knew what was going on and prescribed antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds just so I could get through the workday and not harm anyone or myself. In Jan 2010, my supervisor and manager did something that caused me to have a total stress breakdown. My doctor took me out of work and referred me to the outpatient psych clinic. I was in a really bad way and remained out of work and taking meds and getting treatment for almost 2 years. I won't bore you with all the details, but I was pissed that I burned all my vacation and sick accruals for something they could have prevented. I filed a worker's comp claim which my employer challenged and I won. The judge wrote in the decision, "There is disparate treatment... because she serves in the Army Reserves...She was singled out and harassed due to her military service... her supervisor retaliated against her because she took military leave in 2008... (she) was exposed to a pattern of harassment and retaliation due to her Army Reserves service and an increased level of stress..."
I have a load of civilian medical records related to this, and I believe the psychotherapist (PhD) that I saw for 3+ years would write a nexus letter for me but according to everything I've read, I'm not sure I have a "nexus" to connect PTSD to the military. I was IN the military, and what happened at my job was because I was fulfilling my military obligation, but can I actually make a "service connection" if the stressor occurred at the hands of my civilian employer and not actually the Army? How might that read?
I had stress in my military position-- I lost a deployment opportunity and my records landed in front of a retention board and they were going to chapter me out because of my psych profile, causing me to fear I'd lose my Army career and pension. I was stressed out all the time worrying that I'd be asked to do any additional or special duty outside of drill weekends (my position required a lot of travel) due to fear of how my civilian employer would react or retaliate if I presented orders. When confidentiality was broken and my psych profile/issues were revealed to Soldiers not in my reporting chain, that led to a lot of embarrassment probably other things I'm forgetting.
Is there any hope I might be able to make a nexus-worthy connection between my service and my PTSD/Anxiety/Depression diagnoses when the stressor(s) actually primarily occurred in the civilian workplace?
Thank you!

A friend of mine works for a startup here in Gurgaon and yesterday we spoke after a year (he spends around 12 hours between Monday to Friday so hardly has anytime for socialising) to which he apologised for not able to keep up. Anyways he wants to leave the company but not without securing another offer and has a 2 month official notice period. Now the story takes a turn, he told me his manager resigned after constant abuse from the CEO (he does to everyone like Maa Behen ki gali, treats everyone like labours, doesnt allow non veg in the office premises), he wanted an immediate release but was pressured into serving the notice period because the CEO is in SGP getting clients for the business. His business has taken a hit since this year because of market as per his claims but my friend says its because he burnt bridges on every front. Because of him, even my friends mental health has taken a hit for the worse. Yesterday he told me he got a call from his manager saying that they filed a case of sexual assaulting the CEOs sister during his absence against him and was asking for character certificate from my friend to which my friend politely declined. He's saying he will be asked for the same by the CEO as well. He feels he will be kicked out unless he supports and with no means. What should he do? He has no clue how to move forward.

4 years ago (2020) my father passed away with me and my brother as successors.
My father was Indian and me and my brother are British citizens. My brother has an Aadhaar card since he was born in India and has been in India since 1993. He has a British citizenship because of our mother.
My mother and father split up over 30 years ago but never divorced. The marriage was dissolved in Ireland where my mother married again. However the marriage wasn’t dissolved in India because she never came back to India after she left.
Now we are trying to get our inheritance done and we’re wondering if it’s better to just get it all on my brother’s name since he has an aadhaar card.
Since our mother isn’t in the picture due to her marriage being dissolved and remarrying she has no stake in the clan and neither does she want anything. I don’t have any Indian documents except a bank account which may make claiming a little difficult because to file a legal heir certificate I’ll need an aadhaar card etc.
Our plan is to just say that when our mother separated from our father I left with mom and have no interest in the inheritance. Therefore by default my brother is the heir. Is this the quickest way to get a legal heir certificate for my brother or is there a better way? Does he still need to get an no objection certificate from me and mom?
Appreciate your responses.
Thank you

Oklahoma City, OK – Mrs. Lauren Peck-Weisenfels, the drama teacher at Classen School of Advanced Studies at North East High School, has come under scrutiny for allegations of bullying and discriminatory behavior towards autistic and physically disabled students. The claims have ignited concerns about the treatment of vulnerable students in the school’s drama department.
A Troubled Past
Four years ago, Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels was a teacher at Classen School of Advanced Studies Middle School. During a virtual class in 2020, she allegedly expressed disdain for teaching autistic and special education students, stating, "I hate teaching autistic & special Ed students!" This remark, reportedly overheard by the mothers of two seventh-grade students, prompted complaints to the school administration.
Despite these allegations, Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels was later transferred to the high school, where she continued to teach drama. Concerns about her behavior persisted as students from her middle school classes advanced to high school and found themselves once again under her instruction.
Current Allegations
This school year, a sophomore student who had previously encountered Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels in middle school was placed in her class due to limited elective options. According to the student and their mother, Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels continued to exhibit unkind and discriminatory behavior. The student, who is physically disabled, was allegedly ridiculed for their inability to keep up with costume-making tasks and was marginalized within the class.
In February 2024, Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels emailed the student's mother, stating her intention to fail the student for wearing headphones in class, even though the student was not being disruptive. The email hinted that Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels felt slighted by the student’s lack of engagement, which the mother attributes to previous verbal and emotional abuse.
The Role of Headphones for Autistic Students
Headphones are a critical tool for many autistic individuals, particularly teenagers, to manage sensory overload. Studies show that about 87% of autistic individuals experience sensory sensitivities. Headphones can help mitigate overwhelming sounds, enabling students to focus better and participate in classroom activities more comfortably.
Despite this, Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels reportedly expressed a desire to fail the student for wearing headphones in class. This attitude reflects a lack of understanding and accommodation for the needs of autistic students, who often use such tools to navigate their environment effectively.
May Incident and Unreported Bullying
In May 2024, tensions escalated further when Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels threatened to fail the student over a makeup project, despite the student attending their grandmother's funeral. This incident, while serious, was not formally reported at the time.
Additionally, another student, who uses a cane due to a physical disability, has been subjected to bullying by Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels and her entourage of students. The bullying has occurred behind the student's back and included mockery of their use of a cane and their social media activities, particularly on Tumblr. These actions were not reported until the evening of May 17, 2024, when the student with headphones informed their mother about the incidents.
The May 17 Incident
On May 17, 2024, Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels and a group of students allegedly taunted the aforementioned student in her office, calling them "lazy," "deaf," "ditzy," "slow," "stupid," and "a hindrance to the drama department." Believing the student couldn’t hear due to their headphones, the group reportedly yelled the student's name mockingly. The student, however, overheard everything but chose not to engage.
The same day, Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels reportedly threw a tantrum, slamming items around the classroom in an attempt to provoke a reaction from the student, who continued to ignore her.
Perpetuating Ableism and Discriminatory Rhetoric
Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels’ behavior is not only harmful to the targeted students but also perpetuates ableist and discriminatory rhetoric among her student entourage. By encouraging and participating in the mockery of disabled students, she is teaching her followers to normalize and perpetuate these harmful attitudes. According to psychological studies, teenagers are highly impressionable, and the behavior modeled by authority figures can significantly influence their beliefs and actions.
The Psychology of Living Vicariously Through Teenagers
Research indicates that some adults feel the need to live vicariously through teenagers, seeking approval and acting like them to fulfill unmet emotional needs or relive their own youth. This behavior can be particularly detrimental when exhibited by educators, as it blurs the boundaries between professional and personal interactions. Statistics show that about 30% of adults who exhibit this behavior struggle with identity issues and seek validation through younger individuals.
For teenagers, witnessing an adult, especially an educator, behave in such a manner can lead to confusion, loss of respect for authority, and the normalization of inappropriate behavior. This can contribute to a culture of bullying and exclusion, as students may mimic the adult's actions to gain favor or avoid becoming targets themselves.
The normalization of such discriminatory behavior can have lasting effects, contributing to a culture of intolerance and bullying. Studies indicate that witnessing or participating in bullying can lead to increased aggression, anxiety, and a distorted sense of empathy among youths. It is crucial to address these issues to prevent the spread of abusive behaviors and to promote a supportive and inclusive environment.
Parental Actions and School Response
Following these events, the student with the headphones relayed the incidents to their mother after school on May 17. The mother promptly contacted Kendall Stills with OKCPS via text message, though no response was received. That evening, the mother filed a formal TIPS report with Oklahoma City Public Schools (OKCPS), detailing the history of bullying and including screenshots as evidence. She also contacted the parents of the student with the cane, encouraging them to email Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels and file a formal TIPS report. The mother included the names of the students in Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels' entourage and mentioned her own student in the report to help corroborate the incidents.
The parents involved are currently awaiting a response from OKCPS. Given that next week marks the last few days of the school year, it is uncertain when or if a resolution will be reached. The allegations against Mrs. Peck-Weisenfels highlight broader issues of inclusivity and respect for disabled students within the educational system.
Broader Implications
The situation at Classen School of Advanced Studies raises important questions about the responsibility of educators to create a supportive and nondiscriminatory environment for all students, particularly those with disabilities. As the community awaits the school district’s response, the case underscores the need for vigilance and advocacy to protect the rights and well-being of vulnerable students.