Dog inside woman

Just need some opinions
To sum this up as best as possible, the father of my child does not seem to be a fit parent. Our son is almost 3 months old. The first 2 days in the hospital I had been up from a 30 hour delivery and taking care of our son, he got 4-5 hours of sleep at a time so I asked him to watch the baby while I slept. I remember getting this feeling that I should not go to sleep. I made him promise he was awake enough and to put him in the bassinet. Maybe a hour and a half later, i woke up and see them still sitting there in the chair but his dad was asleep. I immediately get up check on baby and he’s wrapped in multiple layers ( hospital shirt, swaddle and a fluffy blanket ) I took the baby from him and he said he’s fine as if he knew what he was doing. I start to unwrap our son and he’s barely waking up skin is red and he was HOT. After about 10 mins of cooling down he started to wake up. I explained that that was not right and he basically told me it’s just a law and disregard that babies die like that. Especially sleeping in chairs. He didn’t care. We get home with our baby and every time he held him he would fall asleep with him and i would have to take the baby. Causing me to lose sleep because it seemed to be every time I went to lay down. He basically slept through my whole postpartum period and he was the one in bed with the baby because he needed to “bond” before he went back to work.
He was also very rough with him, not supporting his head, rough while changing him, just doing a lot of non age appropriate things with a 1 week old.
5 days after he was born we visited with his mother ( i do not like this woman ) and as we’re driving out of the parking lot his mom jumps in front of the car yelling to chase after the car in front of us and he does (she thought they stole her car ) I was screaming to stop and he kept saying he knew what he was doing and basically him and his mom laughed it off once they realized her car was still there
Quick one because I don’t like talking about it , when I was 7 months pregnant he came home drunk I tried to leave for my safety and he ran after my car broke the back door handle trying to get to me, jumped on the back of it, climbed up the car and smashed my windshield with his two fists. I should’ve left him.
-when I had to leave for my 6 week ob appointment I told him he has to eat in 30 mins at least it had been almost 4 hours since he ate, by the time I got back he was sleeping, baby was in boppy pillow sleeping and the bottle I gave him was in the same spot he lied said he was choking on the bottle so he just stopped. My baby does not just wake up and fall back asleep lol especially if he was choking on his bottle
Since he was born he’s spent over 2000 on weed and eating out, i did participate in this but it was always initiated by him. I don’t smoke anymore since he’s been gone
This is where it does get serious
I noticed the baby was extra fussy with him when i would leave, i chalked it up to he just wanted his mom but he doesn’t act like that with anybody else even people he doesn’t know very well. Then it progressed into him screaming when he was left with dad so I could shower and one day the cries just didn’t sound right. It sounded like he was muffling his cry. I immediately get out of the shower and go in there and the baby is hysterical and the dad just has this look on his face. I take the baby and calm him down immediately. I assumed if anything was really wrong he probably would still be crying so I disregarded what I thought I heard.
A couple weeks later, i go back to work. I work from home and I’m in the room over and every time I’d work he would shut the door ( I always kept the door open so his grandparents could come say hi or if I needed help, he’s also always refused help from them when they ask if he needs a break because the baby is getting too stressed) same thing, my son would be screaming bloody murder, stop and start again and this time my parents started hearing the muffling noises. They’ve raised 5 of their own kids and 3 of my sisters, they know when something just ain’t right. Then my brother who seems to be uninterested in the baby because that’s just his personality, ALSO HEARS THE EXACT SAME THING. Explains it just how I heard it. Screaming, silence screaming, muffled screaming and then silence. When this would happen it would go on for about 20-30 mins ( let me just say my baby does not act like this since he has been gone. Not one crying spell anything like that with anyone in the household unless he’s in PAIN. One day it was happening i came in and he kept telling me to just stop and go back to work and I said that I couldn’t because it’s giving me anxiety and he basically wouldn’t hand him over. Then i come in a second time and take him from him and calm him down but he’s doing this weird twitch with his entire body and breathing very hard. I asked him what that was he just shrugged his shoulders. I gave him back quickly finished what I was doing and took him downstairs to find popped blood vessels in his eyes and face and he was just staring at me with this odd look I have never seen before. I mention it to him and tell him without telling him that he needs to do better and try different things to soothe him. He never tries anything other than sitting with him in the bed and shoving the pacifier in his mouth and pressing him against his body while he’s screaming. 20 mins later that day he’s giving him a bath and calls me in to look at a bruise on his shoulder. It’s like a line going from his shoulder down his arm about an inch long. I didn’t know what to say since it’s such a strange bruise but something told me he had to show me before I found it because he did it. He made my mom come in and look at it and everything. After much thinking I feel like he either grabbed him but it’s such a weird spot so I’m wondering if he dropped his phone or something on him and that’s why he was crying so hard but what about all of the other times? Either way the bruise didn’t come from me, my mom or my dad and he was the one watching him the last two days.
I could go on and on about the other little things that just don’t seem right or he’s irresponsible with like giving him a binky that’s been on the floor or in the dogs mouth using his booger picker in HIS OWN NOSE and not cleaning it.
Cps is coming tomorrow to review all of this with me. I filed for an emergency ppo I’m hoping it goes through. He is currently kicked out and living at his moms house demanding his son but I’m terrified to let him go over there so I’ve been keeping him from him. He was kicked out due to us breaking up and he jumped out of my vehicle. The last 4 days im Literally running from the man he somehow found my location showed up and banged on the windows and doors yelling outside telling me to let him see his son. I hid in the corner until my friend and her brother came home and the cops got there. I missed his doctors appointment and when I went to leave after the whole incident I realized he stole the car seat out my car. when I asked him if he did he admitted to it (his car also has no insurance) and then I told him about the missed doctors appointment and he kept insisting that he’ll take him with my parents stollen car seat lol. Then says I’m refusing medical attention even tho I already rescheduled for the next day and there were no more appointments. And he’s literally the reason I missed it. I think he put a tracker on my car or phone or something because I have no clue how he found me.
What is going to be the outcome of this? Im scared somehow he will get custody over him because I smoked while pregnant. Other than that I feel like keeping him from him might hurt my case but him and his family are crazy and I don’t even want to know the outcome of me handing him over until this goes through the courts.

Obviously this lady put others in danger, she should be charged with reckless endangerment.
If you cannot control the dog you don’t need to have it.
https://www2.ljworld.com/news/public-safety/2024/may/07/woman-released-from-hospital-after-she-and-her-dog-were-shot/

"A good scientist never closes themselves to what they don't know or they don't understand".
I said this to myself when booking my first reiki session. Out of curiosity. If anything, I was going to get a nap for a good hour and be on my way. Energy fields or chakras are not real, we cannot measure them, or quantify them properly. At least, modern science cannot provide a repeatable, testable experiment to prove their existance. It's all good bs.
I arrive. The Reiki master explains what we will do. Pulls our a chart explaining what chakras are. "I can't believe people take this seriously". - I think, while I smile and agree with everything.
The session begins. She puts crystals on my body, hands on top of my head without touching me. Starts humming. "This is a neat experiment I'm running here" - I thought to myself.
One minute in, nothing. Two minutes in, nothing. Five minutes in, I feel nothing. By this time, she had moved all over my body. I was right, this is just a practice for people who like snake oil.
She hovers her hands on my chest. Wait a minute. Heat? I'm feeling heat in my chest. This can't be happening. I look down, she's not touching me. Pressure, pressure in my chest. I start feeling a burning sensation on the top and bottom on my belly. I am not imagining things, this is happening. There is nothing on top of me.
She waves her hands from the bottom of my belly to my chest, as she does this, I feel a "tingle" inside my body following her hands. I can feel the congregation of "energy" in my chest. Almost as if she's sweeping. Then she grabs it, and releases to the air. The burning sensation stops. What the fuck. There's something there, I can feel it but cannot see it. It's not part of the visible electromagnetic spectrum.
She goes down my belly and makes circles with her hands. Motherfucker. I feel an infinitesimally small "point", inside my belly, fucking turning. I feel it moving. In circles. I can even fucking tell the orientation, it's rotating to towards my left, clockwise. This woman is not touching me. I just feel it. What in the actual fuck. Holy mother of Jesus fucking Christ. I let her know about this, she says this is great, and my body is responding well.
She then, out of fucking nowhere, starts spitting actual facts about my personal life, that she could have not known by any means, and explains the reasons I'm stressed, letting me know everything will be OK for me in the end. She had seen a lot of repressed energy in one of my chakras (solar plexus?) because I keep a lot of things and emotions to myself. She explain she cleared all of that out.
Session ends. I'm freaking defeated. Feel heavy but also light. This was not part of my hypothesis. I thought this was a load of bullocks. It isn't. There's something there we can't see, and I accept this fact now. This has changed me.
As I'm writing this little story laying on my bed, all I can do is realize, we don't do science for the things we know, we do science for the things we don't know. This statement is very clear for me today. I hope in the future some physicists get their ball rolling and allow modern science to find the spirit.

To sum this up as best as possible, the father of my child does not seem to be a fit parent. Our son is almost 3 months old. The first 2 days in the hospital I had been up from a 30 hour delivery and taking care of our son, he got 4-5 hours of sleep at a time so I asked him to watch the baby while I slept. I remember getting this feeling that I should not go to sleep. I made him promise he was awake enough and to put him in the bassinet. Maybe a hour and a half later, i woke up and see them still sitting there in the chair but his dad was asleep. I immediately get up check on baby and he’s wrapped in multiple layers ( hospital shirt, swaddle and a fluffy blanket ) I took the baby from him and he said he’s fine as if he knew what he was doing. I start to unwrap our son and he’s barely waking up skin is red and he was HOT. After about 10 mins of cooling down he started to wake up. I explained that that was not right and he basically told me it’s just a law and disregard that babies die like that. Especially sleeping in chairs. He didn’t care. We get home with our baby and every time he held him he would fall asleep with him and i would have to take the baby. Causing me to lose sleep because it seemed to be every time I went to lay down. He basically slept through my whole postpartum period and he was the one in bed with the baby because he needed to “bond” before he went back to work.
He was also very rough with him, not supporting his head, rough while changing him, just doing a lot of non age appropriate things with a 1 week old.
5 days after he was born we visited with his mother ( i do not like this woman ) and as we’re driving out of the parking lot his mom jumps in front of the car yelling to chase after the car in front of us and he does (she thought they stole her car ) I was screaming to stop and he kept saying he knew what he was doing and basically him and his mom laughed it off once they realized her car was still there
Quick one because I don’t like talking about it , when I was 7 months pregnant he came home drunk I tried to leave for my safety and he ran after my car broke the back door handle trying to get to me, jumped on the back of it, climbed up the car and smashed my windshield with his two fists. I should’ve left him.
-when I had to leave for my 6 week ob appointment I told him he has to eat in 30 mins at least it had been almost 4 hours since he ate, by the time I got back he was sleeping, baby was in boppy pillow sleeping and the bottle I gave him was in the same spot he lied said he was choking on the bottle so he just stopped. My baby does not just wake up and fall back asleep lol especially if he was choking on his bottle
Since he was born he’s spent over 2000 on weed and eating out, i did participate in this but it was always initiated by him. I don’t smoke anymore since he’s been gone
This is where it does get serious
I noticed the baby was extra fussy with him when i would leave, i chalked it up to he just wanted his mom but he doesn’t act like that with anybody else even people he doesn’t know very well. Then it progressed into him screaming when he was left with dad so I could shower and one day the cries just didn’t sound right. It sounded like he was muffling his cry. I immediately get out of the shower and go in there and the baby is hysterical and the dad just has this look on his face. I take the baby and calm him down immediately. I assumed if anything was really wrong he probably would still be crying so I disregarded what I thought I heard.
A couple weeks later, i go back to work. I work from home and I’m in the room over and every time I’d work he would shut the door ( I always kept the door open so his grandparents could come say hi or if I needed help, he’s also always refused help from them when they ask if he needs a break because the baby is getting too stressed) same thing, my son would be screaming bloody murder, stop and start again and this time my parents started hearing the muffling noises. They’ve raised 5 of their own kids and 3 of my sisters, they know when something just ain’t right. Then my brother who seems to be uninterested in the baby because that’s just his personality, ALSO HEARS THE EXACT SAME THING. Explains it just how I heard it. Screaming, silence screaming, muffled screaming and then silence. When this would happen it would go on for about 20-30 mins ( let me just say my baby does not act like this since he has been gone. Not one crying spell anything like that with anyone in the household unless he’s in PAIN. One day it was happening i came in and he kept telling me to just stop and go back to work and I said that I couldn’t because it’s giving me anxiety and he basically wouldn’t hand him over. Then i come in a second time and take him from him and calm him down but he’s doing this weird twitch with his entire body and breathing very hard. I asked him what that was he just shrugged his shoulders. I gave him back quickly finished what I was doing and took him downstairs to find popped blood vessels in his eyes and face and he was just staring at me with this odd look I have never seen before. I mention it to him and tell him without telling him that he needs to do better and try different things to soothe him. He never tries anything other than sitting with him in the bed and shoving the pacifier in his mouth and pressing him against his body while he’s screaming. 20 mins later that day he’s giving him a bath and calls me in to look at a bruise on his shoulder. It’s like a line going from his shoulder down his arm about an inch long. I didn’t know what to say since it’s such a strange bruise but something told me he had to show me before I found it because he did it. He made my mom come in and look at it and everything. After much thinking I feel like he either grabbed him but it’s such a weird spot so I’m wondering if he dropped his phone or something on him and that’s why he was crying so hard but what about all of the other times? Either way the bruise didn’t come from me, my mom or my dad and he was the one watching him the last two days.
I could go on and on about the other little things that just don’t seem right or he’s irresponsible with like giving him a binky that’s been on the floor or in the dogs mouth using his booger picker in HIS OWN NOSE and not cleaning it.
Cps is coming tomorrow to review all of this with me. I filed for an emergency ppo I’m hoping it goes through. He is currently kicked out and living at his moms house demanding his son but I’m terrified to let him go over there so I’ve been keeping him from him. He was kicked out due to us breaking up and he jumped out of my vehicle. The last 4 days im Literally running from the man he somehow found my location showed up and banged on the windows and doors yelling outside telling me to let him see his son. I hid in the corner until my friend and her brother came home and the cops got there. I missed his doctors appointment and when I went to leave after the whole incident I realized he stole the car seat out my car. when I asked him if he did he admitted to it (his car also has no insurance) and then I told him about the missed doctors appointment and he kept insisting that he’ll take him with my parents stollen car seat lol. Then says I’m refusing medical attention even tho I already rescheduled for the next day and there were no more appointments. And he’s literally the reason I missed it. I think he put a tracker on my car or phone or something because I have no clue how he found me.
What is going to be the outcome of this? Im scared somehow he will get custody over him because I smoked while pregnant. Other than that I feel like keeping him from him might hurt my case but him and his family are crazy and I don’t even want to know the outcome of me handing him over until this goes through the courts.

My Cat Doesn't Recognize My Dogs Outside?
I saved my cat from freezing to death when he was about 2 weeks old, it was around -10° F and he kept coming to my door and finally was able to catch him. He is probably 6 months old now. I now have a dilemma. He lives with two other dogs and have never had any issues inside the house. However, he has recently been getting into defensive mode when we go for a walk and notices one of the other two dogs when they freely run around the property. He seems to not be threatened by the chihuahua, but is threatened by the other hunting dog, who is maybe twice the size of the chihuahua. When he gets into defensive mode, he will not let anybody pick him up and will attack the dog when he comes close. How can I resolve this?

TLDR: After finding the term non-binary, I feel like my longing and connection to the lgbtq+ community finally makes sense and I'm not "just a straight girl faking it" or forcing things to be true...
Let me explain:
For the last few years, I have felt a strong connection to the lgbtq+ community. For a while, I thought it was just because my best friend who I've grown up with went through her coming out journey recently...then I thought it was because I have made friends who are part of the community in their own ways and "I'm just a good ally"...then I started questioning my sexuality, but that didn't feel right either, because I could never find a label that fit other than "not straight".
So, I've felt like I've been posing, faking it, forcing myself into a community I don't belong (even though this has nearly all been internal). Being raised in a traditional southern christian household, I was always a girl and always straight...which is why, even though I've been feeling like this connection inside of me is for something real, a part of my brain still chastises me, says I must be faking it because "you're straight and just over thinking things" BUT I DONT FEEL LIKE I AM
*-breathes-*
Anyway, because of some instances in my life very recently such as cutting my own hair shorter, someone asking for my pronouns because they weren't sure, I've found this label: non-binary, and it's similar one: androgyny...and I like them both. I don't know exactly what this all entails for me or even if it's the best articulation, but I like it so far. Some days I do still feel like a girl and don't mind the terms "girl" and "woman" or thinking of myself one day being called "mom" or "[a] wife"...but then other days? I don't like those terms so much, they don't feel as comfy.
TIA to whoever read this this far - I just wanted to reach out and say hi to all the other wonderful humans here and say that I think this little soft bean will be joining y'all as well!! 👋🏼😂

Ak has gone over and beyond to defend pedos in the past (6ix9ine, Lil Boom) and now Drake. If you guys have kept up with him in the past, you’ll also know his friends raped a woman (allegedly) inside his home. It’s not a coincidence why he lines himself up with who he does. Lets just say there should be a concerted effort to also take him down.

Bare with me here guys, cause I'm in the midst of it and I feel overwhelmed. It's a lot and I just really want to get it off my chest. I know it's too much for ppl to read it.
Me 39F have been in a loving relationship with a 41M, also happens to be HSP. We've been together since 2006. He has his struggles, suffers PTSD and some trauma. We bond over it and have a loving relationship. He is my best friend. And we feel it's us against the world a lot of the time. We can talk for hours. Still, after all those years. We don't have kids since I have severe endometriosis, was diagnosed in 2020. And having a hard time with it. I've become chronically ill, was diagnosed with adenomyosis as well, and the endo has gotten to a stage 5 where my organs are adhered, deeply invaded and I'm in daily pain. Nervepain as well. I had surgery for it but it's returned. And it's worse. I had to stop working because of it. My partner is very understanding and helps out where he cans.
I installed Snapchat, tbh I don't know why. Since I don't use socials other than reddit. So I can't say why. Then all of a sudden someone added me. This was last oct. And it turned out to be my long lost ex bf, that ghosted me 21 years ago. My first love. Not my first bf, but someone I truly loved for the first time. Someone I was madly in love with. He lives in the UK, while I lived in the netherlands back then. We had a 3.5 year long distance relationship. Which is a long time when you're 17/18/19/20. We saw each other every other month tho. When I was 20 I wanted to study abroad and was making arrangements to go to the UK to study. But it was delayed, and I went on holiday to see him. I didn't see anything coming. But in that last holiday in dec of 2003, I stayed with him for 4 weeks. He was different from day 1. He was late to pick me up, and was stressed out, he didn't seem happy. He said he missed me so much if I wasn't around. Yet I had a nagging gut feeling that something was up. I caught him ringing this girl, in the garage. And me being an HSP, I could spot his lies right away. He convinced me he was talking to his friend, to ask for some advice about our relationship. Pretty strange while I was right there. He was shocked. So I knew he lied. Over the next few weeks I was alone in his house. He was working, his mam also was working. I felt aweful. I cried a lot. Was alone with his dog, who comforted me. That holidays was one big mind f*ck. On Monday he wanted to be with me, on Tuesday he had no idea, on Wednesday he assured me he would make it work etc. I checked his computer when he was not around. I found some weird Emails to this American girl. She said she loved him, encrypted photos, he's told me about her. So it was double the shock. I couldn't tell the date so who knows it mightve been before our relationship. But he's told me about her and he said it was never romantically.
Anyways, I wrote down some telephone numbers and email actresses I found on his computer. Who belonged to his lady friends, ppl he actually told me about. I knew he was friends with. The days after that, I caught him ringing someone in the bathroom. While listening at the door. He was frustrated and I couldn't here what he was saying but it was obvious he was talking to the same person as he was in the garage.
I checked his phone when he was downstairs. And saw messages and missed calls and I had a name. I knew he was cheating. He never told me about this girl. I confronted him, he said she was just a friend. And I was accusing him he said.
With new years I was upset and went to bed early, I had nothing left. He wasn't being honest. Even tho he still tried to convince me we'd work it out. I knew it was the end. My first love was cheating and lying. At. New years I acted like I was asleep. He actually left the house with the car. And I had no idea where he went. It was 11 o'clock at night. He came back around 1.
This holiday was a holiday from hell. Never saw anything coming, up until that first day I arrived. And he picked me up from the airport. I thought we were going to have a great holiday. Talking about how we might move in together at some point after my study. I was madly in love. And he said he was as well and was sick to his stomach If I wasn't around.
The despair in the departure lounge when I had to go back home was real. I was in shock. He had been mind f*king Me for 4 weeks. And we still were intimate. Something I regret until this day. Why didn't I say no? And how can he have sex with me while being in love with someone else? I knew there and then that he didn't love me at all. Even tho he said he really did.
The weeks after I was home he started breadcrumbing me. Lying that he was ill and busy. Didn't have time for me. I asked for answers and finally told him that I knew he was lying the entire time. I reached out to his lady friends, cause I had written down there emailadresses. And we used MSN back in the day. He told me he went swimming with one of em. Turned out to be a lie, cause I asked this friend of him, she said she hadn't seen him in ages. When he was in the garage telling me he needed guidance from his friend.. I also had her email. So reached out to her. She said she never rang him while I was with him. So I knew he was lying here as well.
I told him he was lying said I was accusing him and I kept asking for answers. Then he said he didn't love me anymore and ghosted me completely. I kept trying to contact him and weeks later. This girl picked up screaming her lungs out to leave him alone. So I knew he was with her. I tried contacting him in every way possible. Even trough his mam. He never responded.
I was gutted. My heart ripped out of my chest. Never ever did I experience heartache and lies like this. A dagger to the chest. I fell into a deep depression. Had never felt that way. Guys, it took me 2.5 years to get over him. Or should I say.. To be able to block the emotions. I never got over it. This left me with a scar so deep that still up until this day I tell ppl it's the worst thing I've felt. I looked him up in 2007, 3 years later. And saw he was still with her. Looking happy on the picture I saw on Facebook. I told myself what a lying piece of sh*t and tried to move on but again it upset me. I was already with my partner and he was understanding. He knew all about my heartache. I literally thought I'd never be able to love again. I wanted to become a nun. I told myself. And then my current partner arrived. While I was still in love with my ghosting ex.
So last oct he added me on Snapchat. I gave him my number and we started using the whatsapp. I told my partner all about it and he said I should be cautious. I was like noooo come on its 21 years later its lovely to talk to my first love again. I had nothing but good memories. We talked for days on end. He seemed so open and was interested. He remembered so much. He even said I was his first love we well and he will always love me. We shared similar interests, he told me all about his 3 kids. And then told me about his ex wife. I learned it was her. The woman he cheated with. He didnt say her name and it turned out he had forgotten all about how things went down. Then I told him I remember her well. He didn't respond. He told me how she abused him physically and emotionally. They have a son together that she also seems to be using emotionally. He divorced her in 2016. He says it's the worst choice he ever made. To be with her. She hit him, screams swears.. And he hates to leave his son with er for 4 days a week.
Sad to say a little thing in me was like: "ok karma does excist" then again I really felt for him. It sounds like she is aweful. He lost friends because of her as well. They wanted nothing to do with him anymore.
Over the months after that we talked every day. He is newly married and has been with his new wife since 2017. They have 2 kids together. I love how he talks about them. His kids are great. My partner is fine with us talking. But over the months memories came flooding back in. Memories of the ghosting, of the lies, of the pain I went trough. I started getting some resentment. And I noticed he pulled away from me. Still messaged me every day, but not as intense. It felt like he knew that I remembered it all again. And one day I woke up and it felt like I was back in 2004. The pain was unreal. I was angry, sad.. And had the full picture again. He never mentioned a word about it. And I was keeping it in. Trying to be tough.
Then I remembered he did say in oct that he tried looking for me online in 2016 cause he thought he wanted to apologise. But I was nowhere to be found. Cause I didn't use socials in 2016. He thought he wanted to apologise? Strange.
Over the last few months he's been pulling away from me. Messages have become very polite instead of cracking jokes and telling me about his kids. It's polite and short. And then I all of a sudden snapped. On the whatsapp. We had only rang each other 3 times. And every time he said he is busy and it's hard to ring each other. He also doesn't want his wife to be around when we call. My partner does stay around. He doesn't mind and trusts my judgement. So I asked Mr ghoster if his wife knows we're in touch. He said yes but not the amount we talk. I told him that worries me cause he kept saying that he would love to meet up when I go to the UK this year.
So all a bit uncomfortable. After these questions it became more distant. But still regular. When I flipped out I told him that I remembered our past. A d that it hurts. He send me a long messages with apologies. That he was immature. And aweful to me. That I never deserved that. I told him I wanted to speak to him on the phone or video call. He said he didn't have time. It would take weeks before I finally spoke to him. I told him before that he needed to own up to it I order for me to move on. Since I deserved some closure. He said he was willing to. Hated how he treated me.
So I rang him last Saturday. After weeks of waiting. He didn't apologise at all. He said he made poor choices and for the rest just listened. And I was being very polite. Too polite in my partners opinion. He said I didn't speak my mind and gave him way too much credit. He didn't own up to anything. He kept saying his ex was toxic and it was kinda her fault. While I absolutely believed he would own up to it like he did on the whatsapp before. But none of that. He did listen to me. I told him I was so hurt back in the day and I made such poor choices because of his actions. Cause I felt worthless. He was my first love. And you only have one of those. He said he also loved me back then but with a lot of hesitation.
He remembers details of our relationship that I didn't. Which perfume I had on, the way my hair looked, the movies we watched, what we ate, where we went etc. Details I had forgotten. I feel very loved when I think about our relationship. But that last holiday it all changed.
I don't know how to handle this contact with him. I feel I still love him. But not romantically. I see that I've grown so much over the years and he seems to be stuck, has issues with his emotions, I feel he's not opening up anymore. And he seems like a different person than back in oct. He keeps apologising that he doesn't have time for me. And it's all just very weird. When I called him last Saturday he ended by saying that he would def talk to me that day. He was pitying me. He kept emphasising he would try and talk to me. It felt like he was feeling sorry for me. Very odd. He then talked to me on the WhatsApp and said his phone died and that was that. I haven't spoken to him anymore.
I don't know what to make of it. It feels awkward now. I told him it'd overwhelming and that the phone dying excuse is so childish. That I don't need him to pity Me. I feel he's not being honest. It's that HSP gut feeling that tells me something is up. Idk if it had something to do with his wife, or something in the past or abojt me. But my sixth sense is in overdrive.
Idk if I should stop this contact. Since Im happy he's back in my life. But at the same time he doesn't seem sincere at all. Not anymore. Having him back in my life is almost unbearing to me. I remember the trauma it's caused me. Yet I feel I've overly romanticed that he's back into my life. My partner says he's narcissistic and he's tricked me. Cause he acted like my BFF for months until I started remembering the past. And brought it up.
Im struggling to have him in my life, but I don't like the idea of not speaking to him anymore. And losing him again. I thought I was going to meet his wife and kids. But I do wonder now if she knows we're talking. Why does this get to me so much? Why do I feel I need that real time apology. On the phone, in real life. For something that happened 2q years ago?! My friends say they would feel the same. Since he treated me badly. And ghosting is so damaging. I also think it wasn't being immature. It was a lack of caring. He moved on so quickly.
This man is really getting to me. Because of our past and the hurt he's caused, but also the lovely thoughts about him being my first love, but also my gut feeling that something is off about him. And the fact he can switch his demeanour like that. He comes across very sincere when you hear him. But is he fooling me? My HSP radars are in overdrive since being in touch with him. I'm completely out of balance. I can't focus. I have all these questions. Of anger of hurt, but also joy and happy memories... Wtf?! My partner is so understanding and talks to me abojt all these emotions. And I'm very honest about em. He says this guy is messing with me. But it doesn't feel like it. Yet it does. Aaaaarghh what do I do?!
I've always known I'm HSP. I have it badly. Sometimes even with paranormal experiences. I know when something is going to happen and to whom. I have many examples of that. I can get really sick around some ppl. And Im so sensitive to energies. Me and my partner talk without words. Our HSP is so strong that we don't need words and have endless conversations sometimes. It's very hard to explain.
What do I do with my first love. I'd love to make it work and have a friendship with him. But I get this gut feeling. Idk what it is.

The link between Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction, Hard Flaccid Syndrome, Post Finasteride Syndrome, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome and advice on how to start your healing journey based on 8 years of research and personal experiences : pssdhealing (reddit.com)
Here are all my thoughts and advice based on my personal experiences, other people’s insight and helpful experiences, and research I have done on and off about pelvic floor issues from the past eight years or so. I am not claiming that any of this is revolutionary, but I hope it can help some of you out there to give you a head start on healing and advance our understanding of these conditions. As I am a 27 year old male with previous major problems with pelvic floor issues and hard flaccid, some of my advice may be biased towards my condition. However, I believe everyone can benefit from a lot of this because I really do think that all of these conditions that I mentioned are linked in at least some way, especially by pelvic floor dysfunction and sex hormone desensitization. I try not to come to these forums because it increases anxiety and negative emotions which leads to worse pelvic floor symptoms, so my apologies if I do not respond to your questions. For hard flaccid and pelvic floor affected people, follow my advice and I am confident you can heal and reach a place where your symptoms barely affect your life, if at all, which is where I am at now. The mentality of trying to find a 100% “magic cure” solution just leads to anxiety and catastrophic thinking if you have a set back which will only worsen your symptoms. You can and will heal. I know this is a lot of information, but try to implement just one or two things at a time. Focus on the present, and take it one day at a time. Don’t get overwhelmed. All of this is my opinion and not professional medical advice. Talk with your doctor before starting anything.
Post Finasteride Syndrome (PFS), Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction (PSSD), Hard Flaccid Syndrome (HFS), Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, and Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome all can have some similar symptoms. I believe that they are all either caused or can be exacerbated by androgen and estrogen receptor insensitivity and are triggered by medication, genital injury, and pelvic floor inflammation and dysfunction. The pelvic floor is rich in androgen receptors and estrogen receptors. However, without proper androgen receptor activation and sensitivity, the pelvic floor muscles don’t have enough DHT which line the tissues of the pelvic floor, genitalia, and lower urinary tract. DHT is vital for healthy sexual functioning in both sexes - it provides an anabolic effect to tissues to provide strength, stability, healing, and relaxation to tissues. As a result of androgen receptor insensitivity and lack of DHT, the pelvic floor can become chronically weakened, tight, and inflamed which reduces blood flow to the region leading to even more androgen receptor insensitivity and thus less DHT. These symptoms can cause psychological stress to the individual which tightens the pelvic floor further leading to more symptoms and less blood flow. One study found that androgen sensitivity has raised the possibility that androgens can be used to rebuild the weakened and/or damaged muscles comprising the pelvic floor - source. Some people may also have normal hormone levels in the blood when tested, but these hormones cannot reach or be effective in the pelvic floor tissues or brain due to sex hormone insensitivity and the lack of the blood flow in the region caused by pelvic floor tightness and dysfunction. It is also likely that there is a problem with desensitized estrogen receptors causing a similar mechanism of dysfunction because they are also found in the pelvic floor, genitals, and brain and are important for pelvic floor health, sexual functioning, cognition, and emotions in both sexes. The most important element to remember to help start the healing process for these disorders is to boost blood flow through supplements, stretches, and exercises which will increase both androgen and estrogen receptor sensitivity over time.
Many males with PFS, PSSD, and Pelvic Floor dysfunction are affected by the hard flaccid condition.
Post Finasteride Syndrome (PFS) caused by Finasteride, a 5-alpha-reductase inhibitor (5-ARI), plummets DHT levels in the body to try to help hair loss causing sexual dysfunction and pelvic floor issues. Androgen receptors that surround the pelvic floor, genitals, and brain become desensitized due to the Finasteride leading to less DHT binding to these receptors causing dysfunction and a tight, weak pelvic floor. The tight, dysfunctional pelvic floor now restricts blood flow which impacts healing and the delivery of testosterone to this area that further exacerbates androgen insensitivity leading to less DHT in these tissues. Since androgen receptors are found in the brain and androgens have neuroprotective effects, this could be one reason why some PFS and PSSD sufferers are also impacted cognitively. An herbal supplement called Saw Palmetto has also been reported to cause a disorder similar to PFS because it is also a 5-ARI that blocks the conversion of testosterone into DHT. Another disorder called Post Accutane Syndrome (PAS) is also similar to PFS and it reduces DHT as well through being a 5-ARI: “Isotretinoin, used to treat severe acne, has been shown to induce hormonal changes, especially to reduce 5 alpha-reductase in the production of the tissue-derived dihydrotestosterone (DHT) metabolite 3 alpha-Adiol G.”. PFS, PAS, and PSSD are thought to cause not only androgen receptor desensitization, but likely estrogen receptor desensitization as well.
For Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction (PSSD), SSRIs are also known to decrease androgens and down regulate androgen receptors. This study shows that SSRIs can have an anti-estrogenic effect as well and can even reduce the expression of estrogen receptors (ER), including in the hypothalamus.. As sex hormones get desensitized in the pelvic floor, genital region, and brain, it causes localized DHT and estrogen levels in these tissues to decrease causing emotional blunting, sexual dysfunction, pelvic floor issues, hard flaccid syndrome, and more. The pelvic floor dysfunction can then prevent the sex hormone receptors from being reactivated and sensitized due to restricting oxygen and sex hormone rich blood flow to the tissues. SSRIs can cause androgen receptor insensitivity and estrogen receptor insensitivity by severely inhibiting the serotonin transporter (SERT) leading to increased serotonin levels which desensitizes those receptors throughout the body. One key to help heal from PSSD is increasing androgen production, androgen receptor sensitivity, and blood flow to boost BDNF, SERT, and DHT levels to hopefully allow any estrogen receptor desensitization recover on its own over time after everything else is normalized. Once androgen levels in local tissues (pelvic floor, brain, genitals) are normalized again through androgen receptor activation and sensitivity, it will encourage the conversion of androgens into estrogens in these tissues via aromatase. It is also worth to mention that some community members are trying to restore estrogen receptor sensitivity via boosting estrogen in various ways including by taking hops extract which is a potent phytoestrogen. This is also interesting: Estradiol represents another important natural ligand for androgen receptors that may play an essential role for the androgen receptor function and the development of the male reproductive system.
As mentioned earlier, people with PSSD and other disorders might have normal looking hormone blood tests (testosterone, DHT, estrogen, etc), but the issue is that these hormones are not functioning in the brain, pelvic floor, and genitals properly due to androgen and estrogen receptor insensitivity. An important thing to also recognize is that the medical community still has no official explanation how exactly SSRIs cause all of these debilitating side effects, but they are still being readily prescribed without informed consent about the risks of PSSD. It is unfortunate that it is people like us on the internet leading the charge to investigate and inform. We all need to continue to do our part to spread awareness of these iatrogenic disorders to warn people about the risks of taking these medications because their medical providers aren’t likely going to. Thank you to the PSSD Network for helping to give a voice to the unheard.
Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction (PSSD): Biological Plausibility, Symptoms, Diagnosis, and Presumed Risk Factors
Androgen receptor (AR) inactivation in mice led to reduction in hypothalamic neural nitric oxide synthase (nNOS), indicating the regulatory sexual function of this neurotransmitter. Furthermore, activation of the pre and post-synaptic 5HT1A receptors was found to be correlated with inhibitory effect on erectile function. All of these factors are speculated to be involved in this symptom and might be related to epigenetic alteration of androgen receptor (AR) and estrogen receptor (ER) densities due to influence of SSRIs on the epigenome.
In male PSSD sufferers, the penile shaft can be rigid during erection, yet the glans of the penis remains flaccid.This symptom may arise from hypo-activation of the dopaminergic and oxytocinergic pathways. The glans of the penis, in particular, receives its blood supply from the deep dorsal artery. Perhaps this points to a selective arterial malfunction relative to pelvic floor dysfunction which usually accompanies PSSD.
Here is another interesting study that gives support to the importance of increasing blood flow to help heal:
If SSRIs produce sexual side effects by impairing vasocongestion to the genital region, it would be expected that pharmacologic agents that increase blood flow to the genital region would improve sexual functioning. Indeed, several anecdotal reports and studies have found that sildenafil (a drug designed to treat erectile failure by increasing blood flow into the penile tissue) was successful in reversing SSRI-induced sexual dysfunction in both men and women [8,9,87,88,109]. Sildenafil acts to increase blood flow into the genital tissue by facilitating c-GMP activity that is initiated by nitric oxide [19] and preliminary evidence suggests that the SSRIs may cause sexual difficulties by inhibiting nitric oxide synthase [39,118].
Here is a paper from a community member that hypothesizes that the main issue is lasting estrogen receptor insensitivity just to give another interesting perspective on Post-SSRI Sexual Dysfunction, Post-Finasteride Syndrome, and Post-Retinoid Sexual Dysfunction
As the body is starved of DHT, ARs upregulate in response. At the same time, ER activation is significantly increased as a result of the increased production of Estradiol during treatment (due to higher Testosterone availability by reduced 5a reduction to DHT) - eventually leading to ER downregulation.
Hard Flaccid Syndrome (HFS) - There are many men suffering from HFS and pelvic floor issues due to PSSD, PFS, heavy weight lifting, excess kegeling, or in the case I’m presenting here, physical damage to the genitals from excessive, vigorous sexual activity (my case) or penis enlargement exercises. When the genitals get damaged, an inflammatory process starts and the pelvic floor contracts to protect itself. Since the pelvic floor is now in a chronic, contracted state, it limits oxygen and sex hormone rich blood flow to the genitals and pelvic floor which leads to sex hormone insensitivity and negatively impacts healing, muscle relaxation, and DHT production in these tissues. Finasteride, Accutane, and SSRIs also desensitize sex hormone receptors in the genitals and pelvic floor tissues leading to hard flaccid and pelvic floor dysfunction. Since the pelvic floor tightness restricts blood flow, it is difficult for hard flaccid sufferers to reactivate and sensitize their pelvic floor muscle androgen receptors again to regain relaxation and strength in their pelvic floor muscles, including the ischiocavernosus (IC), bulbocavernosus (BC), and pubococcygeus (PC) which are in a contracted state; the IC muscle in particular is thought to be the most implicated in the cause of hard flaccid. We first need to promote relaxation in the pelvic floor by boosting blood flow through supplements and stretches because tight muscles are weak muscles. Once the pelvic floor is in a chronic state of tension, it is hard to heal from pelvic floor issues because you likely already had bad habits such as poor posture, unhealthy sexual practices, stiff muscles, sedentary lifestyle, unchecked anxiety, and other negative lifestyle factors. Along with supplements, exercises, and stretches, correcting these bad habits is necessary to heal to have an even healthier pelvic floor than you ever had before because it likely was already tight and dysfunctional to begin with before developing obvious issues, but it was more subtle and you had no awareness of your pelvic floor muscles until now. You have the potential to now become a much healthier person overall than you ever would have been without being affected by pelvic floor dysfunction and hard flaccid.
32% of women will develop a pelvic floor disorder in their lifetime which is double that of men. While childbirth and pregnancy plays a role in this discrepancy, women also have far less testosterone and DHT levels than men which I believe plays a major factor. Since women have less testosterone, their androgen receptors that line the pelvic floor don’t make enough DHT to adequately support these tissues compared to men. This makes them more prone to pelvic floor dysfunction that causes them a disparate amount of pain, tightness, and inflammation. Androgen receptors and their ability to convert testosterone into DHT play such a vital role in pelvic floor health and sexual functioning. This is mentioned in a research study: Prevailing scientific literature has indicated the presence of androgen receptors in the levator ani muscle and pelvic fascia. The existence of androgen receptors in the vaginal wall can play an essential role in the development of pelvic floor disorders in women.Thus, androgen-related disorders may interfere with the function of pelvic floor muscles. [Many people mistakenly believe that androgens are only important for male sexual health:](https://www.bumc.bu.edu/sexualmedicine/patientinformation-physicians/androgen-insuffiency-in-women/#:~:text=Androgen%20insufficiency%20syndrome%2C%20characterized%20by,of%20sexual%20dysfunction%20in%20women.] Androgens have a three-fold action on female sexual function. They (1) increase libido by providing the fuel for a woman’s psychosexual stimulation, (2) increase sensitivity and blood flow to the external genitalia, and (3) increase the intensity of sexual gratification.
What I see in all these conditions is that sex hormone receptors become desensitized in the pelvic floor and genital tissues either from a drug, pelvic tightness, or inflammation from injury leading to less hormones being produced causing sexual and pelvic floor dysfunction. The pelvic floor now goes into a chronic tightened state as a response, leading to less oxygen and testosterone rich blood flow to the genital and pelvic region which leads to more androgen insensitivity and subsequently less DHT. This all explains why many people who have these conditions are helped by supplements that improve androgen receptor sensitivity and blood flow, and why pelvic floor therapy and exercises are so helpful to many of them. Estrogen receptor insensitivity in the pelvic floor also appears to have a similar mechanical negative effect by leading to less estrogen levels in the pelvic floor and genital tissues. It is also possible that some people with PSSD/PFS may have subtle or no pelvic floor symptoms, but the medication still desensitizes sex hormone sensitivity in their genitals and pelvic floor tissues that is leading to sexual dysfunction.
Another study linking androgens and the pelvic floor: Levator ani and other muscles of the pelvic floor and lower urinary tract are sensitive to the anabolic effects of testosterone. Androgen receptors are also expressed in the pelvic floor and lower urinary tract of both animals and humans. Anabolic effects of androgens may play an important role in the female pelvic-floor and lower-urinary-tract disorders. Furthermore, the interactions between androgen and nitric oxide synthase and arginase have been demonstrated, suggesting that androgens may also participate in modulating the physiological functions of the lower urinary tract through nitric oxide. The action of androgens in the lower urinary tract and pelvic floor is complex and may depend on their anabolic effects, hormonal modulation, receptor expression, interaction with nitric oxide synthase, or a combination of these effects.
My solution to help heal and improve the well-being of people with these issues is to try to improve sex hormone receptor sensitivity and pelvic floor function through supplements, stretches, exercises, and boosting blood flow which will hopefully restore normal levels of estrogens and androgens in pelvic, genital, and brain tissues. The body has a tremendous capability of self-healing, but we need to support it through active recovery methods.
We will first start with supplements (this is not professional medical advice - talk with your doctor before taking):
L-citrulline - This is the precursor to l-arginine, and it will improve blood flow and levels of nitric oxide to help get oxygen and testosterone rich blood to the pelvic floor and genital tissues to increase androgen sensitivity. Nitric oxide can also induce smooth muscle relaxation which is important for relaxing the pelvic floor. Herein we report on a young man affected by PSSD who regained sexual functioning after 3-month treatment with EDOVIS, a dietary supplement containing L-citrulline and other commonly used aphrodisiacs.. I recommend taking at least 6000 mg daily by taking 2000mg three times throughout the day. The max dose is 10,000mg. Even potentially better, people report great results using Cialis to improve blood flow and healing rather than L-citrulline and some doctors will even prescribe it to women if you show them the evidence - talk with your doctor. “Tadalafil (Cialis) reversal of sexual dysfunction caused by serotonin enhancing medications in women”. L-Citrulline and Cialis are not recommended to be taken together.
L-Carnitine - This will improve the number of androgen receptors and their sensitivity to testosterone to increase levels of DHT in the pelvic floor, genital tissues, and brain. I recommend taking 2000mg daily. Acetyl-L-Carnitine can pass through the blood-brain barrier, while Propionyl-L-carnitine has a high degree of interaction with testosterone. Propionyl may be better for sexual and pelvic floor dysfunction, while Acetyl might help people suffering from the mental effects of PSSD. This study used each at 2000mg daily to improve erectile dysfunction along with Viagra.. I would work up to 2000mg each of Acetyl and Propionyl L-Carnitine along with Cialis instead of Viagra as it lasts in the body for much longer (36 hours) for increased blood flow healing purposes. You can also use L-Citrulline instead of Cialis as mentioned earlier. Discuss with your doctor before taking them.
Vitamin D - This vitamin, which acts more like a hormone, works directly with the endocrine system. It has its own receptors throughout the body and they are often in close proximity to androgen receptors. Deficiency in vitamin D is associated with a stunting of testosterone's effects on androgen receptors and a decline in testosterone levels. Vitamin D will encourage androgen receptor resensitization. One study found that higher vitamin D levels are associated with a decreased risk of pelvic floor disorders in women, and The levator ani and coccygeus muscles are skeletal muscles that are critical components of the pelvic floor and may be affected by vitamin D nutritional status. I recommend 4000IU of vitamin D daily or whatever gets your levels to 60 - 80 ng/ml.
If you have inflammatory issues or pain due to pelvic floor dysfunction, I recommend a fish oil supplement daily. I take fish oil, and I find that it helps limit pelvic inflammation. I also take Magnesium Glycinate to relax the smooth muscle that lines the pelvic floor and genital tissue. I recommend it for people with clear pelvic floor dysfunction, but others should be careful as research says magnesium is a 5-alpha-reductase inhibitor. Take quercetin and bromelain as needed if you experience pelvic inflammatory flare ups and pain, but just be careful as quercetin can also inhibit the production of DHT from testosterone as well. Some say fish oil blocks DHT too, but experiencing chronic pelvic floor pain and inflammation will do more harm to you than minimal DHT blocking. I recommend staying away from all DHT inhibiting foods and supplements for people with PSSD, PFS, and PAS unless you are experiencing pelvic pain and inflammation.
As always, discuss these supplements with your doctor to see if they are okay for you. Lower your supplement intake based on side effects. These aren’t a magic cure, but a tool to help you on your journey to recovery. Don’t do anything without doctor supervision, but this thread gives more evidence for the “cure” for PSSD/PFS being resensitizing androgen receptors and estrogen receptors along with enhancing blood flow as it details how some men recovered through taking high doses of androgens, post cycle therapy, and Cialis. This at least gives hope that a hormonal cure can be created one day by medical professionals. I would of course recommend trying to heal yourself naturally for a long time before doing any hormone treatments under the supervision of a doctor.
I also recommend doing some form of yoga or pelvic floor stretches daily to improve blood flow for pelvic floor relaxation and sex hormone receptor sensitivity. You also need to request to see a pelvic floor therapist for an evaluation and treatment. Learn how to do reverse kegels. Doing reverse kegels will be difficult at first because your pelvic floor is tight and you have little to no awareness of these muscles, so just focus on lengthening and relaxing the pelvic floor through stretches for now. Do not do regular kegels for pelvic floor issues. Learn how to diaphragmatically breathe in 360 degrees to create expansion in your rib cage and abdomen to encourage pelvic floor relaxation. Do not breathe through your chest, and “belly breathing” isn’t the right term because the ribs need to expand as well. You can learn how to diaphragmatically breathe through an exercise such as 4-7-8 breathing. Here is a great video on diaphragmatic breathing and another video. I cannot overstate it enough: retraining yourself to properly breathe diaphragmatically is the single most important thing that you can do to heal from pelvic floor issues. Be a student of breathing: study and take notes on how to breathe better.
Stretches/Yoga poses I recommend:
Hold the Malasana/hindi/yoga squat pose for at least 5-10 minutes at least twice a day, but doing it morning, mid-day, and at night would be the best. Some get great results holding it for 15-20 minutes.This is one of the most important things for your pelvic floor because it will help lengthen and release it. Doing them barefoot is also very beneficial to strengthen your ankles and feet which are connected to your pelvic floor. Again, remember to breathe deeply down into your belly and pelvic floor for all these stretches.
Begin your stretching routine with an Exercise ball ab stretch and Upward-facing dog/cobra pose. This will help stretch your lower abs and psoas muscles so that you can get more breath deeper down into your pelvic floor for the rest of your stretches. Some people say that these types of stretches aren’t great for people who have Anterior Pelvic Tilt, which we should fix, but I still do them as it is important to stretch the lower abs that are hard to get to. You can experiment with doing them sporadically instead of every time you stretch.
This is my current personal complete stretch routine I do in order 3+ days a week:
Myofascial release on my glutes with an orb massage ball but you can use any small hard ball (don’t do this if glutes are currently sore) > Calf stretch against a wall or a yoga block which is what I use > exercise ball ab stretch > upward facing dog > (optional) Do a handful of cat cows > Supine hamstring stretch with yoga strap or an IdealStretch tool which is what I use > Kneeling hip flexor stretch > flat on back supine single knee to chest stretch > then bring knee to opposite shoulder stretch > supine figure four > I do this stretch next right after figure four > Reclined bound angle pose > (optional) butterfly stretch > (optional) A little bit of downward facing dog to stretch the calves > (optional) Lizard Pose) > (optional) Half split stretch/Half monkey pose with yoga blocks > Half-pigeon pose > Child’s pose > Wall quad hip flexor stretch > Wall figure four stretch > Wall straddle pose > Wall happy baby pose > Flat on back while pulling knees apart > kneeling with one leg, other leg out to side for adductors > (optional) Frog pose with feet together > regular Frog pose with feet separated in line with the knees > Yoga squat/malasana > Corpse pose
All these stretches are the ones I found most useful in a routine. See what works for you and develop your own routine. Consistency is the most important. This long stretching routine may not be possible for you to complete regularly so make adjustments, but doing this routine at least 3 days a week is ideal. Stretches such as the yoga squat, supine hamstring stretch, hip flexor stretches, and wall stretches are vital and should be done most days to help relax the pelvic floor. For how long you should hold each stretch, just go by how you and your body feels. Really let go, breathe, and sink into every stretch. On rest days, doing some deep breathing in child’s pose, reclined bound angle pose, flat on back while pulling knees apart, and the happy baby wall pose is really great while trying to do gentle reverse kegels.
You can also work on more individualized stretches for posture to correct anterior pelvic tilt, muscle imbalances, and to release other tight muscles, such as the upper body. Listen to your body if you need to give yourself a rest day from stretching. Adding in a 30-60 minute walk/swim on rest days is incredibly beneficial as well. Eventually, you can also try to learn isometric PNF stretching to incorporate it into some of the stretches such as the kneeling hip flexor stretch and hamstring stretch.
After working to relax and lengthen your pelvic floor through yoga and stretches, I would begin gentle body strengthening exercises that are pelvic floor safe. The pelvic floor is a master compensator. So, if the glutes, adductors, deep hip rotators, transversus abdominis, and other supportive muscles are weak, then the pelvic floor is in the prime position to pick up the slack which leads to a lot of strain on the pelvic floor which results in tightness and dysfunction. You need to strengthen the surrounding muscles to relieve tightness in the pelvic floor. This is where working with a pelvic floor therapist would be helpful to point out safe individualized exercises for you. Yoga will help strengthen your muscles in a safe way too.
The glutes and transversus abdominis in particular are very important to strengthen. Glute bridge, single glute bridge, side lying leg raises, lateral band walks can help build up glute strength. Deadbugs, Bird Dog, 8- point planks, or planks with pelvic floor-friendly modifications, can help to strengthen the transversus abdominis (TVA). Abdominal work may be triggering to your pelvic floor symptoms, especially the 8 point plank, so you can instead look into hypopressive exercises to work the TVA without overworking the pelvic floor. These exercises will help you bring more awareness to your breathing, diaphragm, TVA, and pelvic floor which are all important for recovery. Here is how to find and become aware of the TVA. Do side planks for your oblique ab muscles.
For hip/abductors do the side lying hip abduction exercise, fire hydrants, and the shinbox lunge. For the adductors, do Copenhagen adductor exercise, cossack squats, and an exercise where you squeeze a soft ball between the knees just don’t do any crunch movements with pelvic floor issues. For hamstrings, Nordic hamstring curl/glute ham raises, and single leg bridge. For the back, do supine pelvic tilt. One person even reported that dorsiflexion exercises and stretches were one important element to solve his pelvic floor issues; this is most likely because the ankle bone, like everything else including even our jaw, is connected to the pelvic floor.
Like with anything, do all these exercises in moderation and stop if you sense your pelvic floor is not responding well to them - do them one at a time to see which ones your pelvic floor can handle for now. Here is an exercise routine from another poster that has helped many people. Just be careful of the ab exercises such as the ab wheel and 5 minute planks with your pelvic floor issues - don’t over do it or avoid it if they cause too many symptoms.
Myofascial release and foam rolling to release trigger points also helps a lot of people to relax their pelvic floor muscles and improve blood flow. The glutes are the most important area to target for pelvic floor issues when foam rolling in my experience if you only had limited time. Using a soft ball to lay on and breathe deeply can help release trigger points in the abdominal muscles and psoas which can help you breathe better and relax the pelvic floor. I haven’t done it, but you can also try out a massage gun for myofascial release; just be careful and don’t use it in sensitive pelvic areas. Some men and women also report success using a therawand to release internal trigger points that are causing them pelvic floor dysfunction symptoms.
Walking and swimming for 30-60 minutes are some of the best exercises to lengthen, relax, stretch, and release your pelvic floor, boost blood flow, and help to retain and build strength in muscles that give support to the pelvic floor. Walk or swim for 5+ days a week for the best results. The breaststroke and freestyle are very helpful for pelvic floor sufferers. Along with swimming, people also use an elliptical at a low resistance to help provide a cardio workout that is safer for your pelvic floor.
Fix your posture. Pelvic floor issues and hard flaccid syndrome are closely associated with Anterior Pelvic Tilt and other postural issues. Get evaluated by a physical therapist so that they can give you exercises and stretches to fix it. You could also look into the Postural Restoration institute and see one of their providers and try to implement some of their exercises. In the meantime, here is one video playlist on how to fix APT. Another video to fix APT says to stretch the hip flexors, lower back, while focusing on strengthening the abs, glutes, and hamstrings. Make sure that you sit and walk with good posture - watch this to learn how to walk correctly - activate your glutes during each step and push off with your back foot!. I also recommend getting a standing desk to try to avoid sitting for long periods of time.
Weight training can be effective for boosting active androgen receptors in the body to increase testosterone and DHT levels. However, you need to make sure that it isn’t making your pelvic floor symptoms worse which defeats the purpose. If you are going to lift weights with pelvic floor issues, don’t lift heavy, do any intensive ab workouts, or any other exercises that can put extra strain on your pelvic floor. Do lifts where you can sit down instead of standing up. Start with yoga, stretching, and gentle body exercises to relax your pelvic floor and strengthen surrounding muscles before incorporating consistent weight training. I highly recommend, however, just sticking with yoga and pelvic floor safe body weight exercises to build strength instead. Those with PSSD without pelvic floor dysfunction may benefit a lot from lifting weights, high-intensity interval training, and doing bodyweight exercises such as squats regularly to boost androgen receptors and DHT. Remember to see a pelvic floor therapist to get evaluated first before starting any weight lifting because many people have pelvic floor issues without even realizing it.
Work on your mental health. Anxiety can worsen pelvic floor issues. Just as dogs tuck and tense their tails when stressed, we tense our pelvic floors which are directly connected to our tailbone where we used to have tails ourselves in our evolutionary history. As we are impacted by sexual dysfunction and pelvic floor dysfunction symptoms, we become anxious along with other negative emotions which leads to more pelvic floor tension symptoms due to the fight or flight mode response causing even more anxiety leading to more symptoms. It is a vicious cycle that needs to break by not becoming anxious and negative when we experience pelvic floor symptoms or hard flaccid and instead let go, accept, and realize that it is a normal process when trying to heal because sometimes our muscles that are used to that tightness don't want to let go of the tension we hold in our pelvic floors. Daily yoga, meditation, stretching, and walking will help with anxiety. I would also see a mental health therapist because all of these issues are deeply traumatic and we cannot go through this alone. We often hold tension in the form of emotions and trauma in our bodies, especially our pelvic floor and genital areas. By openly talking about these issues with a therapist, it will help us process and release our emotions and trauma that we are holding inside our bodies to improve our anxiety, relax our pelvic floor, and to let go of all of our tension. Many people who healed their hard flaccid and pelvic floor issues said that solving their anxiety and negative thoughts by talking to a mental health counselor was vital in recovery. The mind-body connection is so powerful, and it directly impacts our pelvic floor. Those who are stuck in the cycle of experiencing pelvic floor symptoms leading to anxiety and negative thoughts will also benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy you can do by yourself like in this video or preferably with a trained therapist. Here is an informative mini lecture on how stress impacts the pelvic floor.
I would also definitely go on a healthy anti-inflammatory diet. Avoid caffeine, alcohol, marijuana, and other substances. Avoid foods and liquids that can trigger pelvic floor inflammation such as highly acidic fruits and veggies, carbonated beverages, very spicy foods, and artificial sugars. To maintain a healthy gut to reduce inflammation in your body I recommend trying a low-histamine probiotic supplement along with eating healthy. You should also work on preventing or fixing constipation; eat a lot of soluble fiber to not get constipated - take a supplement such as metamucil if you have to. Check the Bristol stool shape chart to identify if you are constipated because even mild constipation can contribute to pelvic floor tension. This is because the constipation leads to a lot of pressure being put on your rectum and pelvic floor leading to the muscles becoming weak and dysfunctional. I am willing to bet many of you are constipated and don’t know it because it isn’t just whether you go regularly, it is also how your stool is shaped. People with pelvic floor disorders are at a high risk of constipation which makes their tension and dysfunction worse which then worsens the constipation, another cycle to fix. I recommend getting a Squatty Potty to reduce strain on the pelvic floor during elimination.
To help heal hard flaccid and pelvic floor issues, never watch pornography again (this is vital). Go on NoFap for 90+ days to help heal your brain and body from any unhealthy pornography and sexual habits you have partaken in. Pornography leads to involuntary kegels, a tight pelvic floor, desensitizes you, and messes up the dopamine and arousal circuitry in your brain. Don’t climax too often. Learn how to reverse kegel by yourself and during sexual activities. Never edge or regular kegel - it leads to pelvic floor tightness and dysfunction - just relax your arousal through a reverse kegel. Keep your pelvic floor relaxed during sexual activities.
Stay strong and never give up. You will heal. Thank you for reading.

I'm just gonna immediately start this off with; My OC has a pretty grim backstory and if you're sensitive to heavy themes including death, famine and religion/cults I'd suggest not roleplaying with me. I will also only roleplay with people over the age of 18. Lying to me about your age will not be appreciated and will get you immediately blocked everywhere if found out. If I'm ever going to be away for more than a few days, I will give you a warning, you do not have to do the same but it is preferred. My timezone is Irish Standard Time.
Now that I've said all that, Hello, Im Hanna, and I'm looking for someone to roleplay with. I write advanced lit and I'm an experienced writer, usually writing 2-5 paragraphs per response in 3rd person, however it can get shorter or longer depending on the setting, previous response and scene; some scenes just need one or two paragraphs max.
If it isn't obvious by the title, I am looking for a bloodborne or fantasy victorian era type roleplay; But we can add any type of twist to it that you'd like. Enemies to lovers, begrudging allies to lovers, soulmates/red string trope, etc. They're all clichés but I love love love them. I'm also 100% willing to adjust things to make it juusssttt perfect. Given that my character is 36 years old, I wouldn't be too comfortable with you using a character under 20 at the youngest, preferably stick to mid 20's to early 30's if you want your character to be younger. If you're actually reading this tell me your Zodiac sign in your first message. Personally I think they would go great with someone who isn't as accustomed to the area or their ways as them but eager to learn; Someone they can teach their ways to and bond with.
I roleplay on discord which I will give you once a proper basis is established. Here is the OC I will be using, the character sheet is specifically for the bloodborne roleplay. If you want to do a victorian roleplay I will change their backstory up to a bounty hunter & Yharnam to London to fit that, but I will not change their appearance or gender presentation under any circumstances. (please stop asking ong.)

Name: Valeria Ferrnante.
Age: 36.
They/She Lesbian Hunter of hunters, taxidermies in free time.
Abilities: blade combat, gun combat, illusions, animal handling, taxidermy & bone preservation.
Physical appearance: mid-back length choppily cut wavy dark black hair (usually hidden under their mask &/ hat) usually tied up in a bun. They have a soft, round face with a few scattered scars and specifically a big burn like one on the right side of their very pale face that they are very insecure about. Her face is comprised of thick straight eyebrows, thin upper lip & plump bottom lip and big green eyes. Standing at 6 foot their body is a mix of masculine and feminine, with a somewhat flat chest and noticably slim build, and their voice is a soft and soothing medium-deep older woman's voice. Their body is covered in scars from years of hunting, though their scars & body are usually well hidden under their clothes. When "working" they wear strictly all black in the form of a long trench coat, feathered cloak, gloves, neat pants, boots and tophat. She has a belt around their waist on top of their coat which holds their gun, blade and a few other tools. They also wear a plague doctor mask with round glasses underneath and herbs in the nose to drown out the smell of blood and rot, but the mask is a muddy white colour. Their casual clothing usually consists of a black floor length dress and boots, & their nails are always painted black.
Personality: Pretty terrifying when hostile, and very introverted when on neutral terms with people. However, she is a gentle soul and will actively go out of their way to help a vulnerable person, stranger or not, that is injured or in need. When friendly with people, they're purposefully vague and quiet about their past and who they truly are, making sure to keep some distance, but when very close to someone, they become an entirely different person, completely vulnerable to whoever it is and loyal like a dog to no end. They are very hesitant to show their face to most people, unless they truly trust them. They take on other people problems as her own and feel as though it's their responsibility to protect and look after the people they love, causing them immense guilt when a loved one is hurt or lost. Though, they struggle to get past the neutral stage with people, finding themselves unable to trust easily.
Background: Originally of foreign descent, they were raised by their single mother and uncle in isolation in a small village. This village was very exclusionary to outsiders, teaching the ways of their religion to only a select lucky few. Valeria was one of the few who was talented enough, eventually learning to conjure complex illusions using different plants and their pollen. But that is a life that is long behind her. In their early teens, a great illness struck the village of which quickly killed their mother, leaving Valeria and their uncle devastated and completely lost in grief. The more of the village wiped out by the illness, the more restless Valeria became, being drawn to tales of Yharnam, somewhere she could go to seek a cure for this blight. In the end, Valeria themselves would get extremely sick and with their great fear of suffering the same fate as their mother, would leave the village and head for Yharnam, of which the village and their uncle heavily disapproved of. Once arriving, barely on their last leg, she signed a contract for the cure as long as she served as a hunter for some time. They did just so, only being left with a massive scar across the right side of their face, and once their time was up, they eventually joined the hunter of hunters covenant after watching many of their comrades succumb to blood drunkness. They keep to themselves and choose to stay fairly isolated, their worship for their gods becoming deeper in isolation. After meeting and losing a few people on the way, they now reside in an old house with a lake out the back that's situated right outside of Yharnam, many animals congregating there as they regularly feed the animals before herself.

If you're interested in roleplaying with me, shoot me a message with whether you'd like to do the bloodborne or victorian route, I'll get back to you ASAP!

(My profile is tagged NSFW because I also post these in dirtyr4r since some have actually had luck finding something serious there. Figured it's worth a shot, haha.)
I'm searching for the kind of wonderful woman who shares most of my interests below in addition to her hobbies and interests, who's also goofy, likes to playfully insult each other, and also believes in open and honest communication. I believe with that, we can work out any problems when they arise. 💛
• I'm a gamer, car guy, and maybe one day, a musician too. I enjoy anime, nature, going on little adventures, swimming, traveling... I wanna see the world with you before all the beautiful sights are gone. - Current games I've focused on lately is Helldivers 2 and Deep Rock Galactic. If you wanna play those together, that would be awesome! I would also eventually like to play other things together like Stardew Valley, Minecraft, Terraria, etc. - My taste is music is nearly everything except country and today's rap. To name a few bands/musicians I really love: Led Zeppelin, Arctic Monkeys, Tame Impala, The White Stripes, The Raconteurs, Queens of the Stone Age, Mac Demarco, Them Crooked Vultures, and Metronomy.
• I want to dance with you. In the living room, bedroom, back yard, in the park, almost anywhere. I enjoy doing romantic things and expressing my love. I love deep conversations that distract us from the passing of time.
• I'm a dog person because my allergies chose to target cats for whatever reason, so there's that. 😅
• I'm monogamous and don't have children currently, but they're in my future plans, probably within the next 6 years. I want to spend plenty of time with, well it might be you, and enjoy the best of life as a couple, and then as spouses, traveling and whatnot, before we start a family. 🤗
• I'm really hoping to find someone who's also into dirty humor (amongst other forms of humor) and has mutual...interests 😏 so we have even better compatibility in the bedroom (and sometimes away from home too). I usually have a high labido, but I only want to get intimate when we're both comfortable and ready. 👉👈
• Specs for those who would like them: - 6 feet tall (about 183 cm). - 219 lbs and dropping (about 99 kg). ~ My figure is very dad-bod at the moment, but apparently it comes with a nice ass (so I'm told). ~ This is close to the most I've ever weighed, and I'm not happy with it. I'm targeting somewhere around 170 lbs (about 77 kg). - Brunette/dirty blonde, kept relatively short. - Blue eyes. - Caucasian.
• I have learned the hard way that I do have a type. I used to date outside that type, and it only led to hurt feelings, so I don't want to repeat that. That being said, my type is Caucasian or East Asian ranging from petite to average body type. I don't love going to the gym, but if you have or want a membership I would be open to going together. 😁 I apologize if my preferences differ from who you are. You're all beautiful people, regardless! Please love yourself and enjoy the time you're given in life! 💛
Chat with ya soon! 😁

(My profile is tagged NSFW because I also post these in dirtyr4r since some have actually had luck finding something serious there. Figured it's worth a shot, haha.)
I'm searching for the kind of wonderful woman who shares most of my interests below in addition to her hobbies and interests, who's also goofy, likes to playfully insult each other, and also believes in open and honest communication. I believe with that, we can work out any problems when they arise. 💛
• I'm a gamer, car guy, and maybe one day, a musician too. I enjoy anime, nature, going on little adventures, swimming, traveling... I wanna see the world with you before all the beautiful sights are gone. - Current games I've focused on lately is Helldivers 2 and Deep Rock Galactic. If you wanna play those together, that would be awesome! I would also eventually like to play other things together like Stardew Valley, Minecraft, Terraria, etc. - My taste is music is nearly everything except country and today's rap. To name a few bands/musicians I really love: Led Zeppelin, Arctic Monkeys, Tame Impala, The White Stripes, The Raconteurs, Queens of the Stone Age, Mac Demarco, Them Crooked Vultures, and Metronomy.
• I want to dance with you. In the living room, bedroom, back yard, in the park, almost anywhere. I enjoy doing romantic things and expressing my love. I love deep conversations that distract us from the passing of time.
• I'm a dog person because my allergies chose to target cats for whatever reason, so there's that. 😅
• I'm monogamous and don't have children currently, but they're in my future plans, probably within the next 6 years. I want to spend plenty of time with, well it might be you, and enjoy the best of life as a couple, and then as spouses, traveling and whatnot, before we start a family. 🤗
• I'm really hoping to find someone who's also into dirty humor (amongst other forms of humor) and has mutual...interests 😏 so we have even better compatibility in the bedroom (and sometimes away from home too). I usually have a high labido, but I only want to get intimate when we're both comfortable and ready. 👉👈
• Specs for those who would like them: - 6 feet tall (about 183 cm). - 219 lbs and dropping (about 99 kg). ~ My figure is very dad-bod at the moment, but apparently it comes with a nice ass (so I'm told). ~ This is close to the most I've ever weighed, and I'm not happy with it. I'm targeting somewhere around 170 lbs (about 77 kg). - Brunette/dirty blonde, kept relatively short. - Blue eyes. - Caucasian.
• I have learned the hard way that I do have a type. I used to date outside that type, and it only led to hurt feelings, so I don't want to repeat that. That being said, my type is Caucasian or East Asian ranging from petite to average body type. I don't love going to the gym, but if you have or want a membership I would be open to going together. 😁 I apologize if my preferences differ from who you are. You're all beautiful people, regardless! Please love yourself and enjoy the time you're given in life! 💛
Chat with ya soon! 😁

So, if you’re just joining us, I work at a haunted zoo now. Since I’ve gotten some rest, it feels like I’ve got my head on straight, at least, so I’d like to continue where I left off.
I sat on the floor in the office after meeting the ghost until I’d settled my rattled mind (and realized I’d forgotten to ask her name, how rude is that?). I took a deep breath and got up off the floor. Walking over and falling into the rolling chair in front of the large screen of camera views, when I brought up the camera that covered the area in which I’d spotted her, she was still there, and it seemed she hadn’t moved an inch.
Sitting there, at a loss, I continued to watch her. The ghost hung around for another five minutes or so, appearing to look at a few things off-screen, though I’m not sure what. Then she walked off into the forest and left the view of the cameras. I wasn’t sure if she vanished into the ether or if she’d gone looking into the trees to look for something.
But that wasn’t the end of the job interview, so let me jump back there. It continued into what kind of animals the zoo had, with Andrew asking me how much experience I had with dangerous animals.
I took a moment to consider the question. “So, ah…I’ve been going hunting and fishing with a neighbor since I was sixteen,” I told him. “We always have to keep an eye out for gators, bears, and hogs. Then there’s snakes, of course…snapping turtles… Since I’ve lived here my whole life and been aiming for a job with wildlife for a long time, I know a lot about the animals in Arkansas in general. But good advice for all of the above is avoid them, so I’ve had encounters, but I don’t know if you’d say I have experience with them.”
“That’s fine,” Andrew said, nodding. “That’s an answer I’m satisfied with. Now, the ghost was the appetizer, Ripley; here’s the main course. To start with, the pay isn’t twenty-five an hour. It’s fifty.”
Staring in shock for a moment, I asked, “Are you serious?”
“Yeah. But that’d be weird to post online considering what applicants think we need, so I halved it.”
“That’s… Okay, why?”
“The animals are already here. You just can’t see them.”
I stared at him for a long moment, some disbelief worming its way into my expression, before saying, “Sorry, what?”
“There’s a chance you’d naturally never see them, or at least some of them,” he continued casually. “It depends on both your genetics and how long you stay on the job. I can naturally see six of them, but that’s it. Suzanne can see all of them, and more. Some are what people would label demons or ghosts. Or magic. Mostly you’d call them cryptids. The ghost was just a warm-up; I mentioned her first because it never takes more than a week to see her if you work the night shift. If you manage to handle her okay, soon you’ll be able to see the animals too. The more time you spend on the grounds, for weird reasons,” he said, wiggling his fingers in the direction of the back door, “the more you’ll be able to see.”
“So, this…this is a zoo for cryptids,” I echoed slowly. He nodded once, waiting to find out what kind of reaction I would have. I gestured vaguely around the room. “If this is a hidden camera show, will you cut me a check for showing up and participating?”
Andrew coughed out a chuckle and shook his head. “No joke. There are a ton of stories out there that have been written to death, pulverized until they’re not the Grimm stories of old and instead they’re Disney films. A lot of those stories come from what some humans have seen. There are dozens of other worlds pressed up against ours, and occasionally things come through by accident. If they’re smart, they’ll lay low and then make their way back when they can. If not, they become local folklore until someone helps them back. I’m just from London, but Suzanne is from somewhere else. She hires people like us for this zoo. Humans.”
Sighing, I shook my head. “That makes no sense. Why would she hire a muggle for a magic zoo?”
Andrew burst out laughing at that, and then waited to gather himself before he continued. “Fair point, but this is less about magic and more about animals, and you’re missing some information that will explain it. First of all, if I misjudge an employee, and they think they can make bank by outing the endangered and valuable animals we have, it’s easy to relocate the zoo.”
“Because magic?” I asked.
“Exactly,” he replied, ignoring the thread of skepticism in my tone. “That means it isn’t the end of the world if that happened, though it is a pain in the arse. But second…let me ask you a question. Speaking of reality shows, say the Discovery Channel put out a call to replace Steve Irwin when he passed. Imagine they had a line out the door,” he said with a gesture, “of people who thought they had the skill and natural talent to replace him, to take on everything he’d been doing his whole life. How many do you reckon would lose an arm, a leg, or their life, by the end of the day?”
My lips parted in surprise and I narrowed my eyes at him. “You’re saying people from…wherever…they’re just as dumb as humans, but they’re worse, because they actually think they can handle these things.”
Andrew pointed the pen at me. “Things. Exactly. You called them things. Suzanne and her friends grew up with them and would call them animals. These animals have dispositions and temperaments that we’ve studied for as long as there have been scientists. Where Suzanne’s from, they know the weaknesses of these animals, and also they’re in enclosures here, even if you and I can’t see the walls because they’re invisible things called ‘wards’. If I hire someone who’s got magic on top of all that, they’ll have almost no instinctive fear.
“Everything here is nocturnal, and every one of them is a hunter. Some of these things? Humans see them and they pass out. Not that I want you passing out, but I need someone who is scared of these things, who knows to stay out of the enclosures no matter what. Not someone who thinks they can train them to do tricks, who gets close enough for them to grab a mouthful of hair and drown them. Once, we had a night shift manager injured, and once killed, because they didn’t take these animals seriously enough.”
Thinking back to the Sea World orca incident I knew he’d been referencing, I remembered wondering how someone at that level of her profession could be so careless as I watched the video on YouTube. It made sense when he explained it like that. I hesitated before mentally throwing my hands up and going all in. “So, why put this place here, then? If they’re endangered and also dangerous, why have a zoo at all instead of just a small reserve?”
He pursed his lips, looking disappointed in me. “Ripley. You know that already. You already said as much.”
Thinking back through our conversation, I said, “The rich humans who pay top dollar to see supernatural animals.”
“Not humans,” he told me. “But people, yes, and they are rich, and they’re making donations and spending their money on a ticket here because everything we have is endangered.”
“So…”
I just let my voice trail off and my mind started to drift. Andrew remained silent, letting me do so. There’s that thing people say, ‘I believe that you believe it,’ which is just a kinder way of saying, ‘Bullshit.’ Parents say it about closet monsters. Psychologists say it to people who say they’ve been abducted and probed by aliens. I wanted to say it to Andrew.
But I also wanted a job. If it meant working overnight at an empty zoo, that was fine. When it came down to it, especially when I took the tone of our conversation into account, this was a zoo specifically focused on preserving endangered ‘animals’, and it was allegedly doing important work. Also, if this turned out to be the real deal and I started seeing the animals, I would deal with it, just like I would deal with an enclosure that had a lion or tiger or gorilla. If it came with a ghost and invisible creatures, I really didn’t see what the difference was, if I couldn’t go in the enclosures either way.
On that note, I’d like you to imagine a kid who looks at a roller coaster, watching everyone screaming and grinning as they go up and down and all around and they’re like, ‘Heck, I could do that! That looks like a blast!’
Then they get on, the first drop hits, and they realize they’ve made a terrible mistake.
“All right,” I sighed. “I can’t say I’m going to turn down a job just because it’s going to be scary. Especially not one with this paycheck.”
Andrew smiled. “Awesome. There’s an adjustment process for anyone working here, similar to a dog that gets adopted, actually. I know the general guidelines of, ‘three days, three weeks, three months’ in terms of milestones, until they finally feel they’re where they’re supposed to be,” he told me, “and you can think of your time here along those lines. I really think you’re a great fit, and once you reach the milestone of working here for three months, I’ll officially consider you our new night shift guard. And I hope you’ll stay with us for many years.”
I nodded and smiled at the flattery of an employer wanting me to work a great job for them for a long time. I’d never had a dog, but those milestones were well-known among anyone who knew animals, especially dogs. The first three days, the dog is getting to know its new digs, exploring, and decompressing. At three weeks, they’ve gotten used to their environment and are starting to get comfortable with their surroundings and the routines of the humans they live with. By three months, they know the rules and follow them, they trust you, and they feel they are where they’re meant to be. I could only hope to be so lucky.
I saw the ghost two days ago and she has yet to make another appearance (for those who are curious, I asked, and her name is Leila), and I still hadn’t seen any animals. I did hear one, though, I feel compelled to note. A growling roar sounded from the lake on occasion, echoing across the vast zoo, sending a shiver down my spine. Whatever that animal was, it sounded gigantic.
Andrew said there was apparently a group that wanted to visit for a birthday and they were offering a huge donation, so he let me know they were making an exception and that this group would be walking through the park that night. That meant I’d be watching people watching animals that, as far as I could tell, weren’t there.
It was anticlimactic. Even the three people who came for the tour just looked like people, not like aliens or something eldritch from another dimension, and I stayed in the security office the whole time. Andrew was the one giving the tour. I watched them spend about five minutes at each enclosure, the hour or so that they were there passing without incident. It was clear that they were able to see all the animals, though, since they motioned excitedly at each enclosure and spoke to Andrew, who presumably answered any questions they had.
If they could see the animals, that was that. There was still that niggle in the back of my head, from my twenty-three years of life never encountering anything like ghosts or cryptids, telling me that this was ridiculous. Waiting for someone to knock on the door, a camera mounted on their shoulder, to tell me that it was a big joke and they wanted to see how long I’d play along. But from all I saw, this was a real place with real, invisible animals.
I do carry a taser and pepper spray in my capacity as a security guard. Though it isn’t for the animals, since they’re in the enclosures; they’re actually for the rare instance of a break-in. Andrew mentioned that it had happened several times it the past, someone trying to steal an animal in the hopes of selling it on the black market. They’d been successful before, but apparently my predecessor Roger was good at his job, and mostly they left in handcuffs.
I’ll be honest, I’m not a huge fan of confrontation, but my job was to call Andrew and then confront the person, not kick their ass. That’s what the police were for, or rather, the people Andrew would call in lieu of police in certain situations.
Fifty bucks an hour. That’s the key here.
Andrew hadn’t set up direct deposit, since he was sticking with a strategy of waiting to see if I’d continue to work there once I found out myself dealing with the animals (I’ve decided I am going to just call them animals). Instead, I got an old-fashioned check after my shift every Friday. The number on the first check was delightful. I went out that evening and had a big dinner at the local diner, order my most expensive favorites on the menu and a big slice of pie for dessert.
When it came to the paychecks in general, though, I had this weird feeling of not wanting to tell my dad and brother about the fact that it was actually $50/hr. I previously mentioned that my dad, his name’s Nathan if you’re curious, works at a local grocery store. Our town has a couple food franchises, but I think its size is just short of whatever threshold Walmart uses to decide where to open. He earns $14/hr. and that’s after the tiny raises he’s gotten over the past thirteen years.
That’s not to say he’d feel bad about not making as much as me. On the contrary, he would be ecstatic for me and really proud. But, like me, he’d be suspicious. That hourly rate was the biggest hint that this was more than just a private zoo for cryptids. And as soon as that fat check cleared without problems, my dad wouldn’t be satisfied with reassurances; he’d want to come visit the zoo and look around.
I’d told him it’s a private preservation with scheduled (expensive) visits only and that it had only eleven animals, so he’d been appeased by me brushing off the idea of a visit. Also, I took a few photos of my workplace; one of the security room, one of me sitting in my chair, one photo of the many screens I watched, and a selfie where I was feigning sleep out of boredom, slouched in my chair with my mouth open in a faux snore. That let him feel like he knew where I was and what I was doing, and that I was safe.
But if I told him I was making double what he thought, my father would practically order me to quit. No job was worth my safety, he’d tell me. I was quite of the opposite opinion, however, considering how crucial any and all conservation efforts were these days. Especially with the steep extinction levels due to humans competing with other animals for space, not to mention climate change. Working in any job that helped preserve species and keep ecosystems in balance, or put them back in balance, was so important.
Then again, my father would also point out something I had realized right away: the fact was that I was working with endangered species that were not from Earth. I wasn’t helping my planet. To be honest, though…that didn’t matter to me. Especially after that talk with Andrew about why he hired a human for this job, I figured whichever dimension these animals came from had the equivalent of us, razing forests to the ground, clouding the planet with pollution, and leaving the animals with no avenue of recourse when yet more land was taken from them.
I really do hope to keep working here for a long time, though, and not just because of the money. I can’t help it; I want to know what these things were, and I want to work with them, to do the job of a zookeeper. The same way you go up to the chain-link fence to get close to a carnivore on the other side who thinks you’d make a nice afternoon snack. You just want to be closer to them, to experience that incredible, daunting feeling of being in their presence.
Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t long before I got what I wanted.
The day after we had the tour go through, I was doing my sweep when I saw the ghost again. She was sitting on a small boulder in the same area I’d seen her the first time, looking identical, blood covering the front of her slashed shirt, the wounds visible underneath. I stopped and stood there for a moment before I decided to raise my hand in a small wave.
The young woman cocked her head at me and raised a hand in the air in an imitation of my gesture, her expression showing a bit of curiosity.
She was low-key, seemingly not concerned with my presence, looking at me as a novel phenomenon in her world. I wondered what that world consisted of. Was she always here, sometimes visible and sometimes not? Or did she have another world next to ours, in the ether, where she left everything in this world behind and floated in her disembodied form? Did she still feel emotions? Was that really curiosity on her face, or was I projecting? Did she feel happiness? Fear? Did she have the option of moving on, or was she stuck here?
Many questions that I might never get the answers too. And that was assuming Andrew knew the answers, since I’d never met Suzanne Cooper and he hadn’t even mentioned that possibility. This place was clearly her baby, but I’m sure running it was a lot of work. Plus, if she was rich enough to own it, she was rich enough to have other businesses and charities to run.
When it comes to the enclosures, they’re all wrapped by a barrier of some kind, though never one that seems adequate. There was not a single place with the ugly metal weavings of a chain-link fence, and no stretches of circular razor wire. Instead, there are nice fences. Black iron, or wrought steel fencing in a similar style to the one circling the perimeter of the zoo, just shorter and with different patterns. Or a spaced picket fence, the wood stained in some tone of brown, or a split two-rail fence. As if to say, ‘This is the border of your enclosure, but we’re just letting you know out of courtesy.’
When I started to pass enclosure number seven last night, a young woman’s voice spoke, “Hello.”
I startled, unaware that I hadn’t been alone. “Oh. Hi,” I said, staring at her standing a few yards in.
She had been next to a large tree and I hadn’t seen her. This enclosure was behind a picket fence, and she walked through the large area of wild grasses and flowers that stretched across the other side of the fence. There were fewer tall grasses closer to the fence, which I guessed was because it had been tromped down by her regular pacing along it when there were visitors, or if she wanted to see the various enclosures of the zoo. Her sudden appearance was a bit weird, considering I had been expecting to see a cryptid and instead I was looking at, it seemed, an attractive Asian woman.
She wore a black kimono, the soft silk robe draped gently over her body, with beautiful patterns of cherry blossoms, more so over her left side, and red and blue birds with their wings spread. A sash wrapped around her abdomen, she wore socks and sandals on her feet, and her hair was up in those rolls that gave volume to the style.
I was no expert on any fashion, much less that of another country, so I just assumed it was all traditional Japanese clothing. Most likely, the visitors who came liked to see a certain time-honored style and that’s what she stuck with. Or maybe she played on stereotypes. That would be amusing.
“I’m Yui. It’s nice to meet you,” she spoke, arriving at the border of the fence and holding out a hand for me to shake.
I’d been standing about three yards away from her, and I’ll be honest, muscle memory tried to kick in. But I only made it two steps, my hand starting to rise, before I froze, the hand falling limply at my side. “Nice to meet you, too,” I answered, my voice quiet.
Damn. I wonder how many times that honey trap works back where she comes from.
The pleasant look on her face faded, and she lowered her hand. “You won’t shake hands with me? Isn’t that rude?”
“I mean, I kind of like my hand where it is. You know, attached to me.”
Her demure smile widened into something more amused. “I would never do something so revolting.”
Looking her up and down, as if more visual information would give me more knowledge of what she was, I asked her, “What would you do?”
“I would be less wasteful,” she said softly.
A finger of ice trailed down my spine, and I had the sudden image in my head of her grabbing my outstretched hand in an iron grip and yanking me over the fence, leaving me to sprawl on the ground. Then killing and consuming me efficiently, without a single careless step, the same way humans slaughtered pigs, using everything from the hog but the squeal. I was struck with a shiver at the idea of her consuming everything from me but my screams.
Slowly, I took one step further down the path, then another. Just as I got to a walking pace, though, I realized the woman had started walking too, in the same direction. I’d have eventually gotten to the end of her enclosure and keep going, leaving her behind, but she spoke up. “Are you leaving?”
I came to a stop, meeting her gaze again. “My job is to walk the zoo every hour. Then I’ll get back to the security room and stay there until my next walk.”
“Have you met the others yet?”
I hesitated before saying, “Just Leila.”
She blinked languidly. “That means nobody welcomed you here.”
“Andrew did.”
She didn’t reply to that. Instead, she slowly started to lean forward, and I flinched backward a few steps further as I saw insect legs start curling out from her back.
No. Not insect. Arachnid.
The eight legs ended in small ‘paws’ with tiny claws, a layer of hairs covering the leg from top to bottom, like any typical tarantula. I took two more slow steps back and my mouth went dry as the jointed legs just kept lengthening, until they were large enough to lever her off the ground.
My gaze had been on the spider legs, but my heart skipped a beat as I realized her human legs had melded together and turned into a bulging an abdomen. Her skin was shifting to a carapace, eventually all the way up to her shoulders and down her arms, her fingers elongating and her nails stretching to claws. From there down, her body was that of a pale tarantula with pedipalps the size of my arms and piercing fangs in her jaws that looked like they could take my head off.
There was a moment, my vision blurring, where I was worried that I might piss myself. The part of my brain that still had its humor intact in that moment told me that I should keep an emergency set of clothes in my car, or at the very least, start wearing Depends to work.
“I show you my true form,” she said softly, her voice now raspy like an eighty-year-old after a lifelong smoking habit. “Welcome to Suzanne Cooper’s zoo. The night shift guard for many years was Roger, before he retired and the zoo moved, and I miss him dearly. What should I call you?”
I choked on my words. There was no way my throat was going to cooperate enough for me to clearly get a sentence out. Instead, I realized my legs had taken control of the situation themselves, unsatisfied with my conscious brain’s decision to stand and stare, taking steps backward. I backed up a yard, then five yards, then ten.
My mind focused on the fact that spiders don’t waste anything, and pictured my demise. I’d be wrapped in a cocoon, killed, and made nice and mushy before she had me for dinner.
The whole time, my brain was a frenzied mess, my pupils were probably the size of dimes, and I was staring at that tiny, pathetic fence between her and me. There was so much adrenaline pumping through my body that I felt like my bones were vibrating. The fence was, to my eyes, the only thing between us. The only thing keeping her from tackling and killing me. My only hope was that she’d do it quickly.
But she didn’t move. As I absorbed her innocent, polite words, the look on her face was calm, and I wondered if this was typically the way a conversation went before she devoured her prey. I wondered how many people she’d eaten. Not humans, not people from Earth, but the ones from where she came from. The fact that she doesn’t scare the shit out of those people means they’re staggeringly dumber than humans.
Finally, I rounded a corner, both relieved at having her out of my sight and worried that she would take that moment to come find me. When she’d been within eyeshot, I had at least known where she was and could run in the other direction. But I didn’t hear the sound of faint footsteps moving rapidly toward me. All was quiet, in that deep, smothering way that only an empty business in the middle of the night in small town America could be.
My hands trembling, I barely paid attention to anything but the confirmation that my surroundings were free of the colossal spider as I finally got back to the door. Grabbing the handle and letting my eyes dart around for about ten seconds and my ears prick for the slightest sound, I finally swiped my key card across the pad and went inside, shutting the door behind me and engaging the backup deadbolt.
Maybe that was why they had decided on keycards. If I was running from something and panicking, using an actual key or inserting the card like at a hotel would keep me from getting to safety considering my hands were shaking enough to mix a margarita.
Walking over to my chair, I fell into it, letting my body flush itself of terror as I looked up at the cameras. There she was, still in arachnid form, exactly where I’d left her behind that rinky-dink fence, casually looking around and slowly pacing back and forth. I stared at her as my racing heart gradually slowed, and a minute or so later she turned on her eight legs and walked back into the trees.
Whatever invisible fences the enclosures have apparently work, which is nice, because I wasn’t keen on getting killed by one of the creatures here. And that’s what brings me here, spilling out everything that’s happened so far. Because nearly passing out from terror isn’t something I wanted to deal with at work, obviously, but I keep going over what she did in my head again and again, and I feel like I reacted like a child who spotted a wolf spider on their bed. I started to worry for my overactive sense of self-preservation, at least in my capacity as an employee here.
The spider didn’t even try to hurt me, and so I was feeling a bit foolish. Even annoyed, actually, at the fact that I’d freaked out so hard and took off instead of trying to engage in at least basic conversation. I got the sense that she wasn’t at human-level intelligence, but I was never going to be able to hold any level of conversation with an alligator.
Sure, she did mention that she wouldn’t be so crass as to yank off my hand because she’d rather just have my entire corpse, but wouldn’t a wolf do the same if it was hungry? Wouldn’t any carnivore? Actually, they probably would’ve been satisfied with one of my hands. The fear here was from the fact that she turned into a giant spider. If she’d turned into Clifford, I would’ve reacted the same way, if not better than, meeting Leila.
With that, I decided I’m staying on the job. Considering how frustrated I can get with foolish people, it’s a bit hypocritical, and I’m being a bit of an idiot. But…there are definitely wards keeping them in their enclosures. Also, I signed up for creatures for another dimension, whether or not I believed in them at the time, and I will not let encountering my first one in an objectively boring way be the reason I quit.
The money is a factor, I’ll grant you. Of course it is. And I can’t spend it if I’m dead, but all signs point to surviving as long as I don’t do anything dumb. Also, yes, I’ll admit there’s a not-so-little voice in the back of my head that’s desperate to know what else is here. I never thought I’d do something like this, but finding out these things are real, I honestly do want to learn more about them.
Still, though, I decided to call Andrew at the end of my shift to ask if the pepper spray and taser I carried worked on a certain spider, as well as the other animals I’d yet to meet.
***
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Picked my dog up from the sitter’s after a wedding this weekend. When I got home, she was dry heaving and coughed up some grass.
On a short walk she was trying to eat anything we walked by.
Seemed OK after a bit. Left her and went to play tennis.
When I came, she’d eaten most of a leather belt I’d left out. Not like her to be destructive, let alone actually swallowing things.
She threw up twice overnight that first night. The next morning she gagged up pieces of the belt in two early morning episodes during walk.
She seems quite happy otherwise. Not in pain from what I can tell. Wagging tail and energetic on walks.
Mentioned it to my vet over the phone this afternoon and they wanted to see her. Came in, they want to do scans and if there’s anything inside her they will want to operate.
Seems hasty. No alternatives offered.
Thoughts?
Edit: they admit she seems fine during the exam and we’re going to do the scans tomorrow after overnight fast. Just concerned if they see some belt in there and their only rec is cutting her open.

When I was ten, I formed a junior detective squad.
Mom bought me the entire box set of What's New Scooby Doo, and I was inspired to start my very own detective gang. I held auditions outside the gymnasium at recess (serious enquiries only) after a number of kids tried to apply for the role of Scooby Doo despite me reiterating I was not interested in playing make believe.
When I was laughed at in class, I made posters strictly asking for SERIOUS wannabe detectives, even going as far as using my Mom’s printer to make flyers, sticking them all over the school.
Auditions were simple. I asked them to solve a simple riddle.
Whoever impressed me got to sign their name down, and I’d get back to them.
I spent three days sifting through kids who definitely had charm, but they lacked the intelligence of a junior detective. Most kids were only auditioning to make fun of me, anyway.
Still, though, I didn't give up.
My flyers had five requirements:
1). You had to be smart.
2). You were not allowed to be a scaredy cat.
3). You had to accept your inevitable death at the hands of our town’s evil villains.
4). You had to have a fully registered driving licence (I quickly changed this to a bike).
5). You cannot have a criminal record.
(I later scribbled this one out, writing over it. *“You cannot have any tardies.”
Narrowing the applicants down to three kids, all of whom failed to share my enthusiasm for solving cases. The kids I picked didn't even know how to make plans, and when I invited them to my house, they stole my Mom’s necklace.
I didn't even need to solve the mystery of who stole Mom’s necklace. The girl was wearing it at school. I punched her in the face, and was immediately sent to the principal’s office. When I was being given the mother all lectures, the door quietly opened, a head peeking through.
It was Ben Callows, a freckly kid with overgrown brown hair hanging in his eyes. Ben really needed a haircut.
He was always wearing the exact same baseball cap, and I found myself wondering if it was permanently glued to his head, stuck on top of unruly brown curls practically matted to his forehead.
In class, Ben was also known as Bloody Ben. In the second grade, the boy had a nosebleed in the middle of a spelling test, bleeding all over his paper.
It's not like he didn't try and detach himself from the name.
Ben brought in Digimon cards, so kids would call him Digimon Ben instead.
Then he “accidentally” spilled yoghurt down his shirt in hopes we would call him Yoghurt Ben. But no. The kids in our class were relentless in reminding him of his name. No matter what he did, he was still Bloody Ben, and when anything related to blood came up in class, fifteen pairs of eyes would swivel to him, like he had invented the concept of bleeding.
I feared the nickname would follow him to junior high.
Ben didn't wait to be let in. He didn't even knock, striding in with his arms folded. Over the years, Bloody Ben, had definitely soured his personality.
He smiled rarely, and when he did smile, someone was falling over or hurting themselves.
Which definitely strengthened the claims of him being a sociopath.
The rumor mill was churning, with the latest claiming Bloody Ben killed his cat. That wasn't true. Ben’s cat was seventeen with cancer, and that was why he was sobbing all the way through reading time.
According to Ellie Daly, however, Ben had killed and dissected his kitty, and buried her in his Mom’s flowers.
Now, my principal did not like being interrupted, especially when she was in the middle of screaming at me.
Principal Marrow was old old (like, thirty, in my ten year old mind) stick thin like a pencil, and always wore the same stained sweater.
She used to be pretty, but I was convinced she had kissed a frog and been cursed. After our old principal suffered a stroke, she stepped in as a temporary replacement, and since becoming principal, had banned my favorite book series, colored shoe laces, and hamburger helper, even officiating a uniform.
(vomit green shorts and a tee, and plain white sneakers).
Kids were convinced she was a witch, and I kind of believed it.
Principal Marrow’s whole existence was built on sucking the fun out of school.
I was already reprimanded for my mystery gang flyers.
Her office smelled of peppermint and she was definitely sneaking sips of whisky in her coffee cup. I could see the bottle sticking out of the trash.
She straightened up, folding her arms across her chest, squinty eyes narrowing at the boy. I had spent the whole time she was lecturing me trying not to cry, my fists bunched in my lap.
I took the distraction as the perfect opportunity to swipe at my eyes, allowing myself to breathe.
Ben Callows was her victim now.
I was right. The woman's voice was like a thunderclap in my ears.
“You better have a good reason for not knocking, young man.”
Ben wasn't fazed by her tone. “You took my Switch two weeks ago,” he said, “I want it back, or I’m telling my Mom.”
At first, I thought I'd misheard him.
No, I was pretty sure he'd threatened our principal.
I swore I heard all of the breath sucked from the room.
“I'm sorry,” Principal Marrow cleared her throat. Her soft tone was dangerous.
She wasn't being nice. The lady was about to explode.
I could see visible veins straining in her temples, her right eye twitching.
It was straight out of a cartoon.
“Did you forget something, Ben?”
Ben sighed, like she was inconveniencing him.
He held out his hand. “Please can I have my Switch back? It counts as stolen property. Give it back, or I'm telling my Mom.”
The kid put so much emphasis on the word please, I couldn't resist a smile.
I think our principal was too shocked to get angry.
“Get out.” She said, firmly. “I don't have your gaming device.”
“It's in your drawer.” Ben nodded to her desk, “Under your divorce papers and the restraining order ordered by Jake Willow, the seventeen year old boy you've been having math ‘tutoring sessions’ with.” He quoted the air, his gaze lazily rolling to me. “Tutoring”
Principal Marrow went deathly pale, her eyes darkening.
“Benjamin Callows–”
“The school already knows about the restraining order, but your uncle is the head of the Board of Education, so all you get is a slap on the wrist and a warning to leave the boy alone."
Ben continued, and I found myself mesmerised by his words. He was a natural, his expression stoic, mouth curved with satisfaction that wasn't quite a smile. “However.” He held up his phone, pulling it away at the exact moment the teacher attempted to grab it. “You were outside Jake Willow’s house at 6:12am, drunk, and trying to climb through his window, which, I think violates the restraining order, does it not?”
Ben pretended to think real hard, his gaze flicking to the ceiling.
“I mean, I'm just a kid, right?” His mouth curled into the hint of a smirk
“What do I know, huh?”
Principal Marrow’s expression twisted, her lip wobbling.
“Mr Callows, remove yourself from my office, or I am calling your father.”
Leaning comfortably against the door, Ben’s lip twitched.
“Why? Are you planning on telling my Dad about your relations with a teenage boy, or will I have to tell him instead?”
I was enthralled, and fully disgusted, making a move to inch away from the woman.
“But it doesn't end there.” Ben continued. He straightened up, taking slow, intimidating steps towards the woman's desk. “You don't even want Jake, do you? Because, once upon a time, you were in love with his father. Jason Willow. You despised him for rejecting you, so you decided to defile his son.” Ben leaned over the principal’s desk, slipping his hand into the drawer, and pulling out his switch.
Painfully slowly.
She stood there, speechless, her shoulders trembling.
Ben smiled, and I found myself liking it.
“Thank you!” He said, waving the console in her face. Ben mimed locking his mouth and throwing away the key.
“My lips are sealed.”
Ben’s half lidded eyes found mine. “Are ya coming, Panda?”
I forgot my own nickname.
Panda.
I wore my Mom’s eyeliner because I thought it looked cool.
It did not.
Finding my breath, I snapped out of it.
Jumping up, I followed him out of the office, and when the two of us were safely on the hallway, I burst into hysterical giggles. “How did you know all of that?!” I whisper- shrieked.
Ben surprised me with a splutter. “Wait. You believed me?”
Something very cold trickled down my spine.
I stopped walking. “You lied?”
He shrugged. “I had a dig around her office before she caught me a few days ago,” Ben swung his arms, a smile curling on his mouth. “There's no restraining order, but there is prescription anti-psychosis medicine, and an extremely detailed story on her laptop about a teachestudent romance, which I presume is a self insert.”
Ben shot me a sickly grin. “The school refused to make her condition public.”
He prodded at his own cotton shirt embroidered with the school emblem.
“Why do you think she's made all these dumb rules? The woman is a certified Looney Tune.”
I nodded slowly. “Wait. What about Jake and his dad?”
“I made them up.”
I choked out a laugh. “And… the video?”
Ben walked faster, pulling out his phone and shoving it in my face. The video was real. Principal Marrow was walking around in circles, draped in her nightgown. “It's her own house,” he explained. “She locked herself out.”
Nodding slowly, I was in awe. Bloody Ben was kind of fucking amazing.
“But the restraining order isn't real.”
Ben raised a brow, coming to an abrupt halt. It was his smile that cemented his place in my gang. His lack of empathy for a woman he had gaslit into being a disgusting human being. Ben Callows wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but he fascinated me. Maybe for the wrong reasons. “Her filing cabinets are filled with tinned cat food, Panda,” he said with an exaggerated sigh, “I’m not psychic, but I thiiiiink we’ll be okay.”
I turned to him, unable to stop myself jumping up and down with excitement.
“Will you be my first?!”
Ben inclined his head. “Will I be your what?”
I shook my head. “Sorry. I mean, will you join my mystery gang?”
The boy’s eyes lit up, and I shoved him playfully.
“To solve real cases,” I corrected myself. “Not make them up.”
Ben wore a real, proper smile. But there was something in his eyes, a darkness that was so hollow and polluted and wrong, I pretended not to see it for the sake of his smarts and intellect. “Well, if you insist, sure!” Ben held out his hand, and I shook it. I'll be your first.”
We found our second member, who was, ironically, looking for her glasses under the table in class. Lucy Prescott, the quiet girl, was born to be with us.
The class eraser went missing, and she found it in the blink of an eye.
When questioned, Lucy’s face turned as red as her hair. “I asked everyone in the class and followed the clues to the last person who had it,” she pointed to Chase Simpson. “Which was Chase, who was throwing it at Marcus Calvin.”
Twisting around in my chair, I aimed to get Ben’s attention. But he was already looking at me, chin resting on his fist, eyes ignited with excitement.
The two of us cornered Lucy after class, and when she motioned for us to get back, I dragged Ben (who was a little too excited) to my side.
Lucy looked mildly horrified when I said, dangerous cases, though her expression pricked with intrigue.
She agreed, her gaze lingering on Ben, cheeks smouldering.
Our last two members were a surprise.
Violet Evergreen was what you would call popular on the middle school hierarchy. Not just because her mother was the mayor, but because Violet could get away with murder. The girl refused to wear the school uniform, coloring a single purple streak in her hair to cement herself as the it girl.
She was also one of the girls who started the Bloody Ben rumor.
Ben, Lucy, and I were sitting on the grass during recess, trying to come up with a name for our detective service, when Violet came storming over, hands planted on her hips. She was copying how her mother held herself during town meetings.
“What are you doing?” Violet demanded.
Lucy opened her mouth to answer, Ben nudging her to shut up.
“Making a mystery gang.” I told her. “Why?”
Violet inclined her head. “Oh.” She folded her arms. “Well, can I join?”
Ben stood up, stepping in front of the girl. Violet didn't move, stubbornly standing her ground. “Sure.” Ben flashed a grin that didn't quite reach his eyes. He stepped closer to her, his smile widening. “If you can pass the test.”
Violet’s lip curled. She took a single step back. “What kind of test?”
Ben nodded to me. “Meet us at the swimming pool at 8pm.”
To my surprise, Violet nodded. “Do I need to bring anything?”
“Nope!”
8pm. The four of us met outside the local swimming pool.
Violet was already on the other side of the fence, waving.
“Hey guys!”
I noticed Ben’s expression, his eyes darkening, lip curling.
Still though, he maintained positivity, vaulting over the fence.
“You made it!”
I followed him, helping Lucy, who was immediately freaking out. I didn't blame her. The pool looked cold and dark, a hollow oblivion carved into the ground.
Ben and Violet stood on the edge, the two of them shoulder to shoulder.
Violet Evergreen was braver than I thought.
Standing with her arms at her sides, Violet's hands clenched into fists.
“What's the test?” Violet said, her gaze glued to bleeding black depths.
“I don't know,” Ben said, his voice teetering on a giggle. He leaned forwards, arms spread out. “I didn't think you'd actually come and meet us.”
Violet hummed, stretching out her leg, teasing it across the surface. “Was that the test?”
The boy leaned back. I caught the glint of a grin under the floodlights. “Nah.”
Before I knew what was happening, he shoved Violet into the pool. The girl didn't scream or shriek, she just hit the surface, sinking into pitch dark nothing.
“Sink or swim,” Ben said in a low murmur, when Violet’s head bobbed under water. I could see her shadow under the surface, imagining the freezing cold depths pulling her down.
“Drown, and you can't join us.”
It was so quiet, suddenly. The three of us staring into rippling water.
A minute passed, and my tummy started to twist.
“Fuck.” Ben’s expression stayed stoic. I wasn't expecting him to say a bad word.
He cocked his head. “I thought she could swim.”
I hit him, holding in a cry. “You need to get our parents!”
But he didn't listen to me, taking a single step, and dropping into the pool.
I fell to my knees, scanning the water.
Lucy was crying. “Are they dead?!” she shrieked.
“Shhh!” I was watching two shadows lingering under the water.
Violet broke through. I expected her to be crying, but her expression was unwavering. She was silent. I thought the splashing underneath her was her legs trying and struggling to tread water, before Lucy shoved me. Hard.
“Panda! What do we do?!”
Looking closer, Violet was perfectly still, her gaze on the sky.
While she shoved Ben under the water, drowning him.
Violet’s eyes found mine, and somehow, I knew she belonged in my gang.
Her eyes found mine, glinting with that darkness, that poisonous streak I found myself drawn to. It was a starving, insatiable need to understand a fractured mind. Know your enemy.
“Do you want to see if Ben’s a witch?” Violet asked me, her tone something else entirely. This girl did not make sense, using barely her finger to drown Ben Callows. I knew she was wrong.
I knew there was something loose, something unlocked and unbridled and drowning inside her mind and heart.
But I wanted more of her. I wanted Violet Evergreen in my detective gang.
I think that is why I stood there, frozen.
When the thrashing stopped, Ben broke through.
He wasn't coughing or spluttering, his head inclined. “You didn't drown.”
Violet climbed out of the pool, offering her hand. “And you're not a witch.”
He declined her hand, taking the steps instead.
I asked Violet in a shaky voice. I was trembling with terror, but I was excited.
Exhilarated.
“Violet, will you join my gang?”
She didn't answer me until we were sharing hot cocoa in my house. I told Mom we fell in the pool, and she believed me. I should have told her that my friends were sociopaths, and I was kind of maybe in love. Violet sipped her cocoa, nodding with a smile I didn't recognise. Violet never smiled at school.
Well, she did. But it was always the prick of a cruel smirk.
I don't think her smile was genuine, but she was definitely enjoying herself.
Our last member came to us, instead of finding him.
Jules Howell, a straggly brunette pushed his way in front of me in the lunch line. I didn't really know the kid.
He sat at the back of the classroom and slept through most of class. I did like his accent though.
Jules had moved from Melbourne in the second grade. He didn't talk much.
When he did, I found myself enveloped in his voice, which sounded like water to me, a bleeding cadence to his tone.
Jules piled his plate with fries, smiling widely at the lunch ladies.
“I saw you last night.” He murmured through that perfectly moulded grin.
“Saw me where?”
“At the pool,” Jules said. “You, Bloody Ben, Violet Evergreen, and that Lucy girl. You were doing a suiciding pact.”
“That's not what we were doing.” I said, “What's a suiciding pact?”
“When you kill yourself together.” Jules said. “I saw it in a scary movie my Mom was watching.”
I grabbed a fork. “We weren't doing that.”
His eyes were strange when I took the time to notice them. The excited gleam had fizzled out. Jules’s hands tightened around the tray. “Then what were you doing?”
I didn't reply, making my way over to our usual table. Ben was already waving me over, Violet and Lucy holding up the flyers we were making.
**THE REDBLOOD DETECTIVES.”
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When I bothered turning around, the boy was lost in the crowd of kids.
We were on our first official case, searching for Mrs Lake’s missing mail, when Jules appeared seemingly out of nowhere. And with him, a golden retriever puppy he introduced as Arlo.
It took a dog jumping up at them for Violet and Ben to find their real smiles, their real selves slowly seeping through these facades they had built around themselves. Ben dropped to a crouch, ruffling the dog's ears, his smile faint.
“Who's a good boy?” He chuckled.
Arlo didn't move, tail wagging, eyes bright.
Ben motioned the dog towards him, but Arlo stayed put.
Jules joined us…quietly.
I don't remember asking him, or even him asking me.
He just became part of us, side by side with Arlo.
We soon came to quickly realize that our town was boring.
There were no monsters or thieves, or soul sucking demons. No criminals or serial killers. Not even one missing person. We did, however, get calls about missing cats. I turned eleven years old, patiently waiting for a murder or a kid going missing. But there was nothing.
All we did was chase cats, and the occasional dog. Maybe a budgie if we were lucky. Twelve years old, our detective club became a joke.
The five of us (and Arlo hiding under the table) were trying to pinpoint Mrs Tracy's lost hamster, when three girls came over, dumping their soda all over us.
We watched crime shows for inspiration on catching killers.
Ben’s favorite crime was one that happened in the 80’s in our town.
2 girls murdered.
Their intestines stuffed into envelopes and mailed to family members.
“That's what we should be solving,” he told me one night, “Not missing cats.”
Thirteen years old, we lay in Violet’s backyard under the cruel glare of the summer sun. We called it working and didn't like to admit it was hanging out, or that we were even friends. However.
That didn't stop us growing closer.
Even if it wasn't quite the way I’d expected.
I proposed a plan, standing up, wobbling a little off balance.
“I've got it.” I said, my voice kinda slurry from Violet’s special summer cocktail, which was just a random alcoholic beverages we found, thrown into a blender, and diluted with water.
The town wasn't taking us seriously.
So, we were going to make our own mysteries.
I ordered a full-scale assault on our small town. One that they could not ignore. Ben stamped on Mrs Mason’s flowers, and Lucy threw mud pies at people's cars. Jules trashed the high school gym, and Violet and I spray painted threats and warnings on every store window. Now, this did cause panic, but also an official curfew.
Thirty minutes before curfew, we met in our usual spot, deep in the forest near the lake. Ben yelled at me when I was three minutes late. He was real passionate about finding a real mystery.
“You're late.” Ben was sitting on a rock waving a stick in Arlo’s face.
The dog still wasn't going near him, whining softly.
I took my place, muttering an apology. “I had to lie to my Mom.”
Violet, sitting with her legs crossed, idly digging her manicure into the dirt, suggested we buy mannequins and masquerade them as dead bodies, hanging them from the school rafters.
Lucy, who had slowly grown out of her shell, becoming a lot more outspoken, nudged her. “That's a stupid idea.”
The girl groaned, leaning into her. “Urgh. You're right.”
Jules was the only energetic one, standing on the tireswing.
He jumped down, definitely twisting his ankle.
But his smile only widened, kind of like he enjoyed being in pain.
“Why don't we pretend to be kidnapped?” He said, pulling the hood of his sweatshirt over blondish curls growing out. Jules did a dramatic spin, his eyes shining. “We can ‘go missing’ for like a week, and then when our parents are really scared, we can turn up, and tell them we escaped a kidnapping.” His lips split into a grin.
“And then we solve our own kidnapping!”
Ben awkwardly patted Arlos head, only for the dog to pull away with a snort.
“I like it,” he murmured. “I'm in.”
Jules’s idea was stupid.
But.
It was worth a shot.
The five of us agreed to meet the morning after with enough food and supplies for a week. Then we were going to hike to the next town, and hide out for a week. It was an almost perfect plan, using ourselves as victims of our own mystery.
Packing as much as I could, I kissed my mother goodbye (I told her my pack was for a picnic) and set off to the rendezvous we agreed on.
When I arrived, I was the first one there. I checked and re-checked my pack.
I waited ten minutes, unable to contain my excitement.
Then 20 minutes.
It was getting kind of cold.
One hour.
I sat on a rock for enough time to watch the sky change color.
When the clouds were orange, I stood up and stumbled back home. They had gone without me. Mom lectured me when I got home, and I stuck to the plan of pretending my friends had gone missing, even if I they had betrayed me.
Ben said he'd text me when he arrived at the redervous. I at least expected him to text an explanation, but there was nothing. I was in the dark, and after three days of nothing, our town finally began to take us seriously.
“Our children have been kidnapped!” The adults were screaming.
Mom was crying in the kitchen, praying to a god I knew she didn't believe in that I wasn't taken next. I was interviewed and stuck with the exact same story I came up with when I was with the others. Our plan was to return after a week, claiming to be locked up in a dark room with a masked man.
I told my Mother and the other parents that I didn't know where my friends were, repeating the same thing over and over again until I was tongue tied.
“I saw them the day before they went missing, and… yes, everything seemed okay.” I slowly sipped my class of milk provided, looking the sheriff directly in the eyes. “No, I didn't notice anything suspicious, sheriff. Yes, I'm sure, sir. No, they didn't tell me anything.”
It was Ben’s mother who shattered my mask.
“Did I know about… what?” I whispered.
Something warm filled the back of my mouth, foul tasting milk erupting up my throat. I leaned forward, trying to look Mrs Callows in the eye. “No, I… I didn't know about Ben’s…condition.”
Mrs Callows was screaming at me about her son’s troubled past when I barfed all over myself, my eyes burning.
In the privacy of my own room, I sobbed until I couldn't breathe.
I tried to tell Mom, but we had come so close.
One more day, and the others would be back.
But that day came. I sat cross legged at our usual spot, which was now covered in police tape. I waited for their thudding footsteps, their laughter congratulating each other for coming up with a great plan. I waited, my face buried in my knees, for my friends.
It was dark when my phone vibrated, and I'd fallen asleep.
I wasn't scared, forcing myself to my feet.
“Where are you?” Mom sobbed down the phone, when I tapped answer.
“Coming home now.” I muttered. “Sorry.” I paused, holding my breath against a cry. “Mom.” I broke down, forcing my fist into my mouth to hide my sobs. “Mom, did they come back?”
Mom didn't reply for a moment.
“I'm so sorry, baby.” She whispered, ending the call.
I took my time walking home that night.
There were no stars in the sky.
When a hand clamped over my mouth, I could smell him.
When he dragged me back, stabbing a kitchen knife into my throat, I stared at the sky and looked for stars. His arms were warm around me, violently pulling me into the back of a pickup truck. The pickup truck he'd said he was bringing.
It was his grandfather's, and he could just about drive it.
Hitting the backseat, my body was numb, my thoughts in a whirlwind.
The pickup flew forwards, and I remembered how to move.
I rolled off the seat, my hands pinned behind my back.
Twisting around, blinking in the dim, I could feel something warm, something seeping across upholstery seats. Blood. It was everywhere, sticky on my hands and wet on my face when I struggled to get up. I was lying in someone's blood.
A scream clawed its way out of my throat.
The pickup flew over a pothole, and something dropped off the seat.
Arlo’s leash.
I screamed again, this time his name gritted between my teeth.
I didn't stop screaming until the jerking movement stopped. The doors opened, pale light hitting me in the face.
Flashlight. Warm arms wrapped around me, pulling me from the car, and then, pulling me by my hair, into our old tree house. It was always our secret place, our saving grace on the edge of town.
The flickering candlelight caught me off guard, illuminating my surroundings.
Two bodies slumped over each other, lying in stemming red.
I felt suffocated, like I was going to die. I screamed, and that warm hand cradled my mouth again, gagging my cries.
Violet and Jules.
There was something wrong with them. And it was only when I forced myself to look closer, when I realized their insides had been carved out, heart, stomach, everything, pulled out.
There was paper on the floor.
No, not paper. Envelopes.
Envelopes stuffed with gore, bright red leaking through white.
Shuffling back, my brain was too slow to react, while my body was trying to vault to my feet, only to be violently pulled back by my ponytail.
I felt his fingers twining around my hair, revelling in my screams.
With another tug, my head was forced forwards.
Orange candlelight felt almost homely, this time lighting up a third body.
Lying on their back, curled up, pooling scarlet dried into the floorboards, their wrists restricted with duct-tape.
I could feel blood underneath me, sticky, a congealing paste.
“Do you know what happened on October 3rd, 1987, in our town?”
Lucy Prescott stood over me, her arms folded across her chest.
I managed to shake my head, when she grabbed Ben’s legs, dragging him under the candlelight. I dazedly watched her stroke the blade of a carving knife, the teeth already stained scarlet. “The intestine murders.” Lucy hummed, tracing the knife down the floorboards.
“A man murdered two high school girls, carving out their insides and sending their pieces to their loved ones.”
Lucy's eyes found mine, ignited in a familiar gleam. I saw it in Principal Marrow’s office. Then the swimming pool. The cafeteria. “It was the sheriff's only murder case, Panda. Ever since then, our town has been boring. There's no mysteries to solve. Nothing to find.”
The girl jumped to her feet, retrieving a blood stained envelope.
She held it up, a smile curved on her lips. The girl turned around, and I heard a horrific squelching sound. Lucy held up a bright red sausage, ripped into it, and slipped it into the white paper.
“But I can change that.” she said, in a giggle.
“I can create a real serial killer, who we can hunt down together.”
Lucy stabbed the blade into the floor, laughing.
“Or! I can bring a fan-favorite back! I can bring the intestine killer back from the dead!”
Her gaze flicked to the others. “There are casualties, of course. The story is, I was kidnapped with Ben, Violet, and Jules. The scary intestine killer killed them, and I managed to get away.”
Lucy shuffled over to me, her eyes wide. “Then! He came back and struck again!”
With those words, she shoved me onto my back.
“First he took Violet,” Lucy hummed, tracing the blade down my shirt. “Then… Jules.” I squeezed my eyes shut, pulling at the restraints around my wrists. “Then Ben.” her breath tickled my cheek. “And finally… Panda.”
Lucy lifted the knife, and I accepted my death.
Until a low rumble in my ears.
Shouting.
Thundering footsteps, followed by the pitter-patter of paws.
“Lucy!” The sheriff was screaming, and the girl stumbled to her feet, the knife slipping from her fingers. Lucy stumbled, tripping over Ben’s body.
“He got away!” she shrieked. “He…he killed them! Oh, god, please help me!”
I don't think Lucy even realised the traces she'd left behind.
The blood slick on her fingers, her manic, grinning smile full of mania.
I was looking for stars when an officer crouched over me.
I couldn't understand what she was saying.
Her voice was white noise.
“Rachel? Hey, try and sit up, honey. You Mom is on her way.”
Instead of listening to her, I curled into myself.
My gaze found Arlo sticking his nose in Ben’s hair, trying to nudge the boy awake.
I didn't fully register the next few days.
They went by in a confusing blur.
Part of me tried to eat, and spent hours with my head pressed against the toilet seat.
I could still see the slithering, scarlet remains of my friends every time I closed my eyes. There was so much red, soaked in that hunting orange light.
Blood that I could still see, a starless sky that stretched on forever.
Weeks went by.
Then months.
I think I turned 14. I wasn't sure. I didn't feel alive anymore.
I stood at my friend’s funerals with a single rose I dropped into their casket.
Violet’s mother was quick to cover the whole thing up.
Lucy's plan didn't work after all.
Our town’s murder cases stayed stagnant at one.
It's been four years since my friends were murdered by our ’Velma’.
Now, at seventeen, Mom asked if I wanted to visit Lucy in juvie.
I'm not even upset or angry anymore.
I want to know why.
Ben picked me up. Arlo was at his side, wagging his tail.
Ben was…different. He'd dumped his baseball cap and gotten a haircut, swapping his old wardrobe of drab colors for an attempt at changing style.
That day, he looked awkward in a short sleeved tee and shorts.
At school, Ben is no longer Bloody Ben.
Now, he is Survivor Ben.
I’m still Panda.
Every time I was with him, I felt like my soul was being sucked out.
Guilt so deep, so fucking painful, I lost my breath.
I live every day knowing that I immediately assumed it was him that day. Ben was barely alive when I found him. Lucy had started to carve into him before remembering she needed me.
After admitting it to him, his lips formed a small smile.
“Can I tell you a secret?” He said to me, at sixteen.
Yeah?
Whatever the boy was going to say, Ben never told me.
Presently, I nodded at the dog’s new collar.
“Peppa Pig themed?”
The boy shrugged, ruffling Arlo’s ears. “FYI, he chose it.”
“It's cute.” I said. “Very… chic.”
We didn't speak the whole ride, but Ben did entangle his hand in mine.
We spent half an hour outside the detention centre. I was panicking, and Ben was trying to hide that he was panicking. In the end, we joined hands, and strode through the doors together.
Lucy greeted us with a wide smile. Just as psychotic.
The orange jumpsuit suited her, though I had zero idea why.
“Hey Arlo!” she giggled at the dog, and Ben pulled the pup onto his lap.
“Ben.” She sighed. “I wish I got to finish you. I would have loved to solve the mystery of your gutted corpse.”
Ben’s smile was wry. “Nice to see you too.”
Behind a glass screen, I asked Lucy one simple question.
“Why?”
Lucy didn't reply. Or she did, but it was just nonsensical bullshit.
But there was one thing she said has stuck with me, chilling me to the core.
I am fucking terrified of Lucy. Of what's she's done, and what she's capable of doing.
It was a throwaway line, and I don't even think Ben noticed.
Or he did, and was in denial.
Lucy's smile was wide, her eyes empty pools of nothing.
The exact same glint in Ben’s eyes.
Jules’s eyes.
Violet’s eyes.
Like something was gnawing away at their psyche, twisting and contorting it, filling them with darkness, poison, that was so vast, so endless, I had craved it as a child. I still don't know what it is.
But I'm going to find it.
Lucy's laugh was shrill, and next to me, Ben didn't move a muscle.
“I don't even wear glasses!”

This is a very long post.
I experienced a series of intense dreams and eerie coincidences, intertwining family tensions, differing beliefs, and possibly supernatural elements.
I’ve been having family trouble with my gf side of the family. More specifically her mom. I don’t want to get into detail of the relationship my gf has with her mother but let’s just say it’s is not a very good one. From all of the things I’ve heard of her, she’s a narcissist. A religious narcissist at that. Who was not a very good mother to her growing up.
My gf and I have been together for many years now and we are planning to be married within the next couple of years (if she says yes of course lol). As you. Might have guessed she does not approve of me at all. Recently, within the last couple of months, my gf told her mother about me and she expressed that did not like me even though we have actually never met. She just doesn’t approve of me because I am not of her religion and do not plan to covert to her mothers religion. (Yeah you probably know which religion I am talking about by now but I’d like to point out I have nothing against that religion, I am simply not a religous person).
Now that we have a little background information on what I’m about to explain. I’d like to share my dream. I’d like to start off my by saying that my gf has nightmares of her mother trying to kill her. I’m not very sure about the frequency of these dreams but let’s say they happen once every month or so. I do believe these dreams of hers are suppressed traumas that her mind plays out in her sleep.
Starting from a couple weeks ago. I had a terrible nightmare that my gf was possessed and she was trying to hurt me. As you know, dreams are a a bit foggy so details are very hard to pin point but I do remember her face and eyes being dark. In this dream, at one point, she was throwing knives at me, and I had to find ways to run away but she always kept finding me in this house my dreams were taking place. At one point in this dream her mother showed up but wasn’t very worried about her daughter being possessed. It seemed like she was just there. By the end of the dream my gf was going to stab herself with a knife but I managed to grab her hand. The only thing I could think of saying was “God, release this unclean spirit” something along those lines. (Tbf I do like horror films so I probably got it that line from the movie The Exorcist). as I woke up I actually heard myself say those lines in a low raspy voice. I remember grabbing my possessed gf hands and stopping her from stabbing herself then everything went black and it felt like I was being pulled out of my dream into the waking world. Just as I woke up I heard myself saying “God release this unclean spirit”.
Once I woke up, it was around 3am or so. Now, It is not uncommon for me to wake up around this time. The earliest I wake up is around 4am, if I am able to sleep early enough, because I like to get ahead on some work I am doing.
Anyways, after a meditation I went back to sleep, when my gf and I woke up I told her about my dream and strangely she told me she had a dream about being possessed. After that she said that she thinks her mother cursed us. While her mother is religious, she does believe that you can send bad things towards people, that you can curse people, etc.
While I did say I wasn’t a religious person, I do consider myself a spiritual person. I like tarot cards and I do practice Sigil Magick and a little luciferian magick.
Now, the nightmares don’t end there. After this possession dream I had another very strange dream where it felt like I was watching a very strange film that really made me feel disgusted and unclean. I don’t really remember much of it but it not like a typical horror film where there’s killing and blood and all that. It was like what I was watching, made me feel uneasy and disgusted. I guess it’s a good thing I can’t remember that dream.
Now, onto the last dream. The sequence of events that happened afterwards leading up to today was strange to put it mildly.
So, in this dream, I recall being in a new house I just bought. In this house was some secret path way with stairs leading up to what seems like a large attic. From there I ended up outside of the house, there was this family that hated my me and my parents because they believed that we had something to do with the death of their little child. Now, for some reason they were Haitian or black. I don’t know why that’s just how they appeared in my dream. But I do remember they said that they cursed my family for what they believe we had done.
Now, this really made me very angry because we were accused of something I tbelieve we had nothing to do with. The only thing I could think of was to contact Lucifer for help. So I ended up in the dark attic in the house. There was this woman who shows up in my dream who was there to help me. I told her if she could get my occult tarot cards, a candle and a dagger.
Side note: These occult tarot cards, which I do actually have, are very similar to normal tarot cards but these cards have the goetic spirits from the Goetia printed in them. You are supposed to use them in a consecrated circle and give offerings afterwards.
So after I receive the things I need, I sit and meditate in this dark attic. Wanting to contact Lucifer and while I meditation in my dreaming minds eye, this face with red eyes, wild hair and a devilish smile appears and fades away. It felt like the Lucifer I was trying to contact, was in fact hearing me out. When I was done with this meditation in my dream, a black figure was standing a few feet away from me. It looked like what people call a shadow person. When I tried to get up and walk toward it I could hardly move. Then I hear echoes of laughter. Once I heard the laughing I stopped realizing I could not get any closer. I stopped and telepathically communicated “hello”. This figure raise it hand like it was saying hello back. Now I am not sure if this was the Lucifer spirit I was trying to contact because it didn’t say anything it was just standing there with its left hand raised. Before I woke up the only thing I communicated to it was “help”. It seemed like it understood what I said because it sort of looked like it was contemplating what I said to it. Then I woke up. Throughout this entire dream and ordeal I didn’t feel scared. I was just really pissed someone would curse my family for something unreasonable.
about a week later, my dad was driving from another state, which is about 12 hrs by car, to help me deal with some issues I was having with my own car, in short it was some mechanical issues he could solves instead of me having to pay thousands of dollars to get done at a local mechanic shop. Well, on his way over here his car broke down almost halfway through the trip. He called his brother who was about 5 hours from him, and my uncles truck engine broke while trying to go tow my dad’s car! Luckily, they were both able to get help and they got back to their homes around 4am. This incident really seems out of place honestly but it was just a really strange coincidence that both my uncle and my dad’s cars broke while trying to come and help me deal with my own broken car. This happens about a week ago.
Okay, so last bit.
My gf is not in contact with her mom anymore because of our relationship. But her sisters, who visits her mom frequently, told us that her mom has been kinda going nuts at her house my gf’s mom has a dog who has been acting weird lately as well. Apparently my gf’s mom see shadows in her house moving about. Her dogs food bowl had to be moved because the dog would not go near her food bowl because it’s right next to this hallways that for some reason, the dog is scared of. And the dog starts barking at the hallway even though nothing is there. Apparently, all my gf’s mom does is cleans the house and prays to god. My gf’s sister says her mom is starting to act really crazy and just prays all the time asking god for forgiveness. My gf told me this a couple days ago.

My life feels like it's falling apart. I'm 19 and in college and I did the worst that I have ever done this past semester. I got cheated on past new years. I got an update on a pending lawsuit from a previous car accident. I'm trying to fix this motorcycle that I bought and I can't fucking do it and I just feel like a GODDAMN FAILURE
I'm not even sure how to begin. So much shit has happened to me that has caused me to fall out of love with life, as well as people. I'm starting to hurt people before they hurt me. I yelled at my amazing, loving, caring mom today over something stupid, and I yelled at my dad when he couldn't understand what was wrong with the lawn mower.
I just. The world treats me like garbage. People treat me like I'm worthless. Have you ever heard that phrase that if you hear something enough times it eventually becomes true? It's supposed to be a reflection of authoritarianism and the masses of a society, about how propaganda, no matter how unbelievable, can become principles of a society.
But for me, well. I'm 2 years into college. The past two years have been the Loneliest, darkest, heart breaking and gut wrenching 104 weeks of my life. And I don't see an end, and I'm just so scared. I keep trying to make friends. I dont feel like I have the time to engage with clubs, and even then a club is so organized, it feels like just another job. I tried talking to people in class, and either I've found people who were nice to me but couldn't bother to make time for me, or people who just straight up rejected me. I went on a study abroad to Europe, and my friend group left me behind at a club to back to the airbnb. I once was really close to a girl, we would breakfast together after class and just talk. I was so impressed with her. She's musically talented, able to tackle really difficult classes. I never really wanted to date her as much as I just wanted to be around her, talk with her, be a friend. The class we shared ended, months went on. Then we found each other again. And she completely ignored me, blew me off, and when I tried to talk with her she accused me of stalking her.
And then there's my ex. The best 4 days of my life were two weekends I spent with the most amazing girl I ever met in the netherlands (I'm from the us). She showed me her pet gerbils. We showed each other our music. Rock music! Like the only other person I've ever found that listened to music that I did. And it was so fun to make fun of each other and debate whether thrash metal or screamo and KoRn was better than grunge or punk (Bass Drum of Death FTW 🤘). She showed me her favorite restaurants. She would text me these adorable memes about like "sending love vibes to my beautiful bf". We made love.
But I sucked as a boyfriend. She told me once that she felt like I was fragile. I couldn't accept the love she wanted me to have. All my time in college told me that I didn't deserve to have it. But I tried to be there for her. I tried to engage with her. I tried to be happy and connect with her, as much I was afraid that she didn't like me. I tried to believe that I was enough for her.
And then she cheated on me. She cheated on me 4 months ago. With someone who was more muscular and attractive than me. I then spent 4 months going on a warpath of self improvement. I gained 15 lbs of muscle mass. I read books. I quit porn. I bought a motorcycle. And 3 weeks ago she called me about a letter I sent her a few days before. I told her everything. I told her I loved her. I showed her how I'd changed, how I'd grown up, how I had claimed my own masculinity, pride, strength. And what she told me broke all of that. She told me that she didn't stop seeing the other guy. She told me that even I wanted her she would still be afraid that I wouldn't satisfy her sexually, like I hadn't before but he had.
It broke me. I completely and utterly shut down. For days. I tanked an exam. I couldn't study for finals.
And I feel so pathetic. I feel like a failure. A husk of my former self. The joyful teenager that I wad. The strong young man that I became when I took action to change myself.
I'm broken. The thought that nobody likes me makes me want to die. Why does that matter so much to me? How I could have let myself down by being so weak that I was broken by the words of someone who cheated on me? It's so pathetic that does.
I'm a failure of a human being. A loser. A cynic. I used to be special, diffierent. I wasn't like everyone else that wandered through life, aimless, not caring because hurt too much or they have nothing to care about.
I can't help but look in the mirror and see myself as nothing but pathetic. I'm so disappointed. I have so much contempt for the person I am. I am someone who people cheat on. I am someone people forget. I am someone no one wants to be around. I am someone who can't do well in school, a bad student. My body is unattractive.
I will never be enough. Somebody once told me nothing changes if nothing changes, like a motivational statement. We'll I tried. I tried to change something but nothing changed.
I can't love anymore. I don't love the world. Everything is shit. Videogames, roadtripping, reading, hiking, skateboarding. I don't want to love people anymore. I don't want to believe that I will ever have a friend that I can rely on, to laugh with, to just, be, with me.
I don't want to believe I will ever have the life that I would love to live with a beautiful amazing young girl. So many amazing things. I want to tell someone the truth, that I wholeheartedly believe that they are the most amazing person I have ever met, that there's so much about them that I find so incredibly captivating. I don't know, maybe she plays an instrument. Maybe she has a really niche hobby. Maybe she has wild dreams. I can't help myself but think of all of my favorite restaurants and parks, walking a dog in downtown, going clothes shopping. I'd like to buy a girl a very fancy dress, something that for those few minutes shes wearing it would make her the most beautifully gorgeous young woman in the entire world. Lie in a field and look at the stars. Go for a night drive. Be spontaneous. A box of chocolates and a quiet dinner on valentines day. Fuck in the kitchen. Take her to any city, any country she wants to go.
But I am afraid. Because the moment I start to believe that I will one day live that life, I put myself on the path of being hurt again. People just keep hurting me. I don't want to be hurt again.
Because I will never be enough.

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• Megan Leavey, HD iTunes (ports to MA) (Comes with 500 Universal Rewards Points) $2
• Norm of the North, HD vudu $2
• The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature, HD iTunes (ports to MA) (Comes with 500 Universal Rewards Points) $2
• Paranormal Activity 3, HD vudu $2
• Paranormal Activity 4, HD iTunes $2
• The Perks of Being a Wallflower, HD iTunes $2
• The Purge, HD MA (ports to MA) $2
• Same Kind of Different As Me, HD iTunes $2
• Selma, HD vudu $2
• Selma, HD iTunes $2
• Sinister, HD iTunes $2

$0.75 to $1.25 HD MA, vudu, or iTunes Movie Codes (Total must be at least $1)

• The Expendables 2, HD vudu $0.75
• Florence Foster Jenkins, HD iTunes $0.75
• The Hunger Games, HD vudu $0.75
• Indivisible, HD MA (Canada only) $0.75
• Paranormal Activity 3, HD iTunes $1.25
• The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2, HD vudu $0.75
• Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection, HD vudu $1.25

$3.00 to $5.00 Disney/Marvel/Star Wars HD MA, vudu, or iTunes Movie Codes (All Port to Movies Anywhere)

• Atlantis: The Lost Empire, HD MA (ports to MA) $5
• Atlantis: Milo's Return, HD MA (ports to MA) $5
• Brother Bear, HD MA (ports to MA) $5
• Brother Bear 2, HD MA (ports to MA) $5
• The Fox and the Hound 2, HD MA (ports to MA) $4
• The Little Mermaid (1989), HD MA (ports to MA) $4
• The Lone Ranger, HD iTunes (ports to MA) $4
• Mary Poppins (1964), HD iTunes (ports to MA) $4
• Mulan (1998), HD MA (ports to MA) $4
• Oz the Great and Powerful, HD MA (ports to MA) $3.50
• The Pirate Fairy, HD iTunes (ports to MA) $4
• Queen of Katwe, HD MA (ports to MA) $3.50
• Turning Red, HD MA (ports to MA) $3.50

$1.50 to $3.50 Disney/Marvel/Star Wars HD Google Play Movie Codes (All Port to Movies Anywhere)

• Aladdin (animated), HD gp (ports to MA) $3.50
• Aladdin (2019), HD gp (ports to MA) $3
• Avengers: Infinity War, HD gp (ports to MA) $2.25
• Avengers: Endgame, HD gp (ports to MA) $2.25
• Beauty and the Beast (2017), HD gp (ports to MA) $2.25
• Big Hero 6, HD gp (ports to MA) $2.25
• Black Panther, HD gp (ports to MA) $2.25
• The Call of the Wild, HD gp (ports to MA) $2.25
• Captain America: The First Avenger, HD gp (ports to MA) $3
• Captain America: The Winter Soldier, HD gp (ports to MA) $3
• Captain America: Civil War, HD gp (ports to MA) $3
• Celebrating Mickey, HD gp (ports to MA) $3
• Cinderella (2015), HD gp (ports to MA) $2.25
• Coco, HD gp (ports to MA) $3
• Disneynature Born in China, HD gp (ports to MA) $3.50
• Doctor Strange, HD gp (ports to MA) $2.25
• Finding Dory, HD gp (ports to MA) $2
• Frozen, HD gp (ports to MA) $2
• Frozen (Sing-Along Edition), HD gp (ports to MA) $2
• The Good Dinosaur, HD gp (ports to MA) $3
• Guardians of the Galaxy, HD gp (ports to MA) $2.50
• Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, HD gp (ports to MA) $2.50
• Incredibles 2, HD gp (ports to MA) $3.50
• Inside Out, HD gp (ports to MA) $2.50
• The Lion King (2019), HD gp (ports to MA) $2.50
• Little Mermaid (animated), HD gp (ports to MA) $3
• Maleficent, HD gp (ports to MA) $2
• Mary Poppins (1964), HD gp (ports to MA) $3
• Moana, HD gp (ports to MA) $2
• Monsters University, HD gp (ports to MA) $3.50
• Raya and the Last Dragon, HD gp (ports to MA) $3.50
• Robin Hood (animated), HD gp (ports to MA) $3.50
• Star Wars: The Force Awakens, HD gp (ports to MA) $2
• Star Wars: The Last Jedi, HD gp (ports to MA) $2
• Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, HD gp (ports to MA) $2
• Thor: The Dark World, HD gp (ports to MA) $3.50
• Thor: Ragnarok, HD gp (ports to MA) $2.50
• Toy Story 4, HD gp (ports to MA) $2
• Zootopia, HD gp (ports to MA) $2

$0.50 SD Movie Codes (Total must be at least $1)

• The Big Wedding, SD iTunes $0.50
• Fury, SD MA (ports to MA) $0.50
• Hugo, SD vudu $0.50
• Star Trek Into Darkness, SD vudu $0.50

Venmo and CashApp Accepted

So its been a long ass two days at work. And it pains me to know that there's still 3 more days left in this week.
I made myself some tea and went into my backyard and sat down on a chair and was just chilling. Neighbor had their dog sitting out there on a leash. After about 2-3 minutes, the dog just starts barking at me. I keep ignoring it hoping that please please maybe it will just stop. But nope, every 15-20 seconds it would let out more barks.
Well I suddenly had a rage boil out of me and I grabbed the hose and turned it on. Got ready to spray it in the face but then realized that may not end well .. so instead, I just started yelling. Something along the lines of "control your fcking dog" and "fck off with your dog barking"!
Well they definitely heard because they brought their dog inside for a second but didn't say a word. And they let him back out instantly after I went inside. And side note, but this is a DUMBazz dog who was literally chasing it's leesh.

Tw: DV. This is my story, it’s a long read.
To start this off I’m going to give a slight backstory. My mom had been a single mother for most of my life. It was just me, my mom, and my baby sister. Nothing new, nothing changed. Although she had a few boyfriends throughout my childhood, there nothing serious enough for a consistent father figure.
Around the age of 11 this girl and I became really close friends. We’ll call her Miley. She also came from a single household consisting of her dad, and two older sisters. (All three of them close in age) I spent a lot of time over at Miley’s house and vise versa. Her dad was always good to me and so were her sisters. We all became pretty close. She would always tell me that she went through a lot as a child but I never could see or understand why. She didn’t share too much, but I always remained good to her because I knew what it was like having only one parent that cares for you.
Miley and I then had the “great” idea to introduce our parents purely out of ignorance. Although neither of us took into consideration if they would get along or not. They talked at all of our sporting events, and messaged sometimes. My mom even invited him to my 12th birthday party at the lodge. He ended up staying at the lodge over night and although I didn’t think much of it then it all makes sense now. Miley and I were just excited because we were about to become “sisters.”
Fast forward they started spending a lot of time together which then resulted in them dating. I even remember one time before they became serious, Miley and her dad were over at my house hanging out and we were outside playing with a stray dog. The dog then bit me in the face causing me to need stitches. Her dad (we’ll call him Eddy) told my mom to take me to the hospital and he’d take care of the dog and everything else around. I found this so caring and it made me happy my mom didn’t have to worry about anything as it was being taken care of by him. I was happy for her.
A few months pass by and they started becoming serious. Eddy then moved all three of us into their house. My mom just kind of left everything behind and decided this might actually work out. Mind you that’s 7 people now living together. In a 2 bedroom house. How we did it? I have no idea. After a few months of living with them, our parents started to fight. A lot. I also fought with Miley and her sisters so much. I wasn’t used to this but they were extremely physical with each other when they were upset. They then started becoming physical with me. Mind you im 12 years old, 4’8 and like 70 pounds. I was always pretty petite whereas Miley and her sisters were taller, older and stronger. They beat me to a pulp. Looking back this is pretty funny but I remember always being so scared I was actually going to get hurt because I wasn’t used to this. We were ALWAYS fighting. I even remember one time the oldest sister broke a broom on Miley’s back. This then caused our parents to argue about us not getting along. I was already telling my mom I didn’t want them to be together but she just shook it off thinking it was normal for girls to fight because of the raging hormones filing the house.
Eddy then was layed off from his job and we only had my mom’s income. This caused him to start heavily drinking at the bars and mentally destroying all of us. At this point he was never physically violent but he did not hold back when something upset him. He always hit his daughters with the belt when their chores weren’t done and I just had to watch as they feared for what looked like their lives. We all had a list of chores that needed done right after school. Us girls always found a way to make it fun but it was always too much for our young bodies. We spent hours outside in the rain, sun, snow…no matter what we had to cut and load the fire wood up the stairs and start our wood furnace. We weren’t allowed to have our phones after 6pm. We had to shovel out the dogs cage. Laundry, dishes, bathroom, kitchen, garage. This may seem like normal chores but mind you there were seven of us living together. All of this including our homework and school. The girls always went away on the weekends to their moms. So I had to do it all alone those three days. Again I wasn’t used to this because I never had a father figure. I almost found this as normal although I thought most of the things we were doing were meant for the “dad” to do.
Then the unimaginable happened. My mom became pregnant. So now we had an 8th person about to live in a two bedroom house. And this also meant my mom had to go on maternity leave. So neither of our parents were working. Eddy decided to build onto the house to create another bedroom. He moved quickly but that still meant all of us kids had 2 bedrooms to share. And they were extremely small. I thought my mom was so selfish for having another baby when they couldn’t even afford to take care of the ones that they had. (Although now I love my baby sister, it didn’t seem sustainable then) At one point we became so down on our luck we were eating the same three meals, spaghetti, fried sausage, and cereal. One night I decided to get a bowl and come to find out the box was filled with maggots. I ingested maggots. I have never felt so disgusting in my life. But I was forced to deal with it. We ate together every night as a “family” and we would just have to listen to Eddy slurping his words and mumbling under his breath about how we didn’t do enough cleaning. My heart would start racing because I knew he was going to get mad and start yelling. It never failed. He always screamed at us and my mom. He always hit them with the belt. Sometimes he would even take it out on our dog. I remember one time he threw the dog down the stairs and then made me walk down the stairs and put the dog outside. I hated living on eggshells.
My sister and I spent a lot of time at my grandparents house at this point. My mammaw was truly my superhero in these moments. But It only grew worse. Eddy was a raging alcoholic. He finally was able to land a welding job in our town. He spent his days working and his evenings drinking. He would come home screaming, throwing stuff, hitting his daughters for no reason and hitting my mom. I remember seeing him throw big glass antique jars at her face, slamming and holding her on the concrete, pulling her hair, elbowing her in the face, kicking her legs all while she was pregnant. This was a nightmare. I couldn’t sleep. I would go to school everyday with a puffy face from staying up crying all night. I had to wear the girls hand me downs because we could afford new close. The clothes were always huge. I also never had time to shower because all 7 of us shared on bathroom. I remember having to wake up extra early before everyone else just so I could get to the bathroom first. This also resulted in me having to make coffee for Eddy in the mornings. The coffee was never strong enough or too strong and he would just pour it out and start screaming at like 6 am. I was TWELVE. I begged my mom to leave him. We did leave multiple times. But that never stopped her from going back. My little middle school self had the pressure of caring for my mom, my sister and myself. I can’t even describe what it was like living there anymore. I’ve totally blocked it out.
After years of this ongoing torture I was finally old enough to drive. I spent most of my teens at my friends houses because I never wanted to go home. Luckily enough the other girls were able to stay with their mom full time and my first youngest sister stayed at my mammaw’s. But my youngest was trapped. I wish so badly I could’ve done something for her but I just couldn’t.
Eventually my mom built up the courage to move back to our old house. She had to redo the entire thing while not having a job and having a toddler on her hands. It was disgusting from sitting there for years with no attention towards it. Even to this day it isn’t the same house that I spend my childhood in. She was finally able to get a job and my mammaw took care of my sisters. At this point I still wasn’t spending much time at her house because I had so much hatred for what she put me through.
Eventually Eddy couldn’t afford to keep up with his house. He had no where to live so my mom let him move into our garage. Her reasoning? She felt bad. From there he started doing hard drugs. Coke and meth. I remember finding so many broken straws all around my mom’s house oblivious to what it was back then. Of course it wasnt actually possible for him to strictly live in the garage so you know, mom started letting him come in to shower, and then to eat the dinner that she cooked and then to sleep in her bed because he was sleeping on a couch. He finally moved entirely in. I could not stand to watch this repeat. I moved my bed and half of my wardrobe over to my friends and stayed in her spare bedroom all throughout covid. I stopped answering my mom’s calls and almost cut her off entirely because I was now understanding she has the choice.
I remember being at my friends house and getting a call from my mammaw that I needed to go home to save my mom. My sisters were locked in the room scared for their lives. I drove so fast over to the house (luckily I was close) and my friend came with me. We walked in and Eddy had my mom pinned up against the wall threatening her life. She was balling her eyes out and he was pulling her hair literally out of her head. I walked in with absolutely no fear because I was tired of living like this. I screamed so loud in his face and he screamed back. He stomped on my feet. And spit in my face. Flung everything off the counters and walked out. We locked the door and he cried and begged to come inside all night. Come to find out that same day he shot at one of his friends and almost killed him. Then drove straight to my mom. That night I made the decision I wasn’t going to live like this anymore and my mom shouldn’t either. But unfortunately she chose to stay.
Fast forward I am now 20 years old. He’s clean from drugs and alcohol. And she lets him stay with her while he’s not on the road for work. I still will never understand this and I also refuse to talk to her about it because there is no winning. I am now living in New York with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years and happier than ever. Mom and I are pretty close but I don’t think I will ever be able to save her from him.
Any advice would be amazing ❤️❤️

In search of a single woman to explore the casual summer vibes, enjoy the weather, hang out on the water, go explore somewhere new, and see what kind of connection arises. Someone with a bright personality, quick wit, and keeps active/in decent shape. Bonus if you are into older, mature men.
As for me, I'm a dog dad fueled by ambition and diving headfirst into new experiences. I'm a good-hearted gentleman with a passion for music, plants, hockey, and nostalgic 80s/90s movies. I enjoy being active outdoors, cooking, traveling, and finding joy in the little things in life if you match that energy. I'm here to have some fun and see where the connection leads.
Standing tall at 6'1" with a full head of dark hair, neatly trimmed beard, kind eyes, and a warm smile. I'm in good shape, comfortable in my own skin, and take care of my health. I take pride in my dedication and hard work to both my professional career and personal lifestyle.