My daughter, husband and I all had a sb* like three weeks ago. Over a week went by before we visited my parents out of state. I talked to them multiple times to make sure they were okay with us coming, and we had had no symptoms for over a week by the time we came to stay. We have been with them for a week and a half when my dad randomly has gotten really sick. I don’t know if he’s actually tu* because everyone knows I’m an emetophobe, but he is obviously feeling really ill and has stayed in his room all day. Odds are he’s probably tu*.
I understand that someone can be contagious for 2 weeks, but I think the odds of him having what we had is slim when you consider the incubation period before symptoms show is 48 hours. This is so unlike him to get sick, I just feel nervous it’s another strain of a sb* that my daughter will get. We leave in 2 days, and I would love to leave earlier but it’s like $400 to get flights for today and everyone would think I’m crazy to spend that much money.

For context: I’m 35 F and my husband is 35M We have a friend who is 28M. He’s super nice and we get along great. He and I developed a closer friendship and even though my husband didn’t want me texting him I still did. It was nothing too personal but sometimes I wanted to chat about stuff that I didn’t get the chance to in person when we would all hang out. We also had a group chat between us 3 so we could make plans and joke around. I admit I was and still am very attracted to this friend. I think he is also attracted to me because we are very playful and flirtatious when we see each other. He loves to tease me a lot. I also notice that he gets a bit jealous if I’m not paying attention to him the way he wants Recently though there was a big shift. It was my wedding anniversary and my husband and I spent the weekend away and all of a sudden this friend stopped communicating with me completely and is totally ignoring me. I asked and asked but he won’t say anything about it. So I know I shouldn’t have been carrying on this friendship the way I was but would this be considered emotional cheating? I’ve never done anything like this and I’m also not sure how to handle things with this friend now that he’s acting so different.

One year ago mybest friend passed away tragically, leaving his mother and a younger sister behind. His sister is 19, I had met her 3 years ago for the first time, and I thought that she was really pretty and exactly my type (good girl, but also a bit tomboyish and girly at the same time) and I respected her as my best friend's sister, so I kept my feelings for her for myself. I treated her like she was my own sister, instead of thinking about how happy we'd be together.

I went to visit her mother because she was having trouble with the ceiling, needed to put a barrier on the balcony and to install the things that surround the light bulbs. I dont know how you call them in english.
Her husband also passed away, and she's a widow with a low income job and a girl to raise, and my father told me to check in on them once in a while and help them in case they need some help in the house for things to fix
Turns out the issue was that the ceiling leaked in her daughter's room, so I went there. The girl still had a very chilhood sort of bedroom with decorations, and she herself seemed to be so different. I greeted her and shook her hand as we do over here, and she kept studyin g on her desk. I opened the windows to remove the old satellite and install the new receiver, and noticed that there were some crumbs on the side of the window. I asked her about the crumbs, and she said "it's for a little bird that comes to visit me every day"
and I said "ok". Sounds fine... until I found out later, by another friend of mine, that the girl is heavily depressed and hasnt stepped out of home for days since her brother died, and that in college she endured some sort of abuse by some guys, there is a trial going on, this friend said we should do something for her as she is our best friend's sister, and we should protect her, and this also makes sense because I saw in her room packets of a medicine that I looked up and turns out it's an antidepressant. Actually she looked so different from the last time I saw her, she was very pretty, wearing girly summer dresses and long hair and looked so pretty and lovely and now she seems so pale, wears baggy clothes and turtlenecks and seems sort of "without will to live"
and the silly thing she said about the bird worries me too. I feel like that bird is the only interaction she has had in a while. At some point while I was asking her questions about the things to fix, it seemed like she was turning red about to cry. Like, something was very wrong.
I said "I know you miss him, but you have to be strong, for your mom at least" and she said "I dont know... everything is over now. they're not coming back anymore. mom knows that, I know that" (she lost her brother, and also her father a few years earlier).
I did the things I had to do, but I tried to involve her. Like, I asked "where is the hammer? do you have some nails like this one?" and she went looking for things for me in the house in case they already had them, and she tried her best to look for them. even if she didnt find all the things, I always said "ok dont worry, I'm gonna buy them on the store here close to your house"
After I finished, I tried to clean up the place, but she said "no dont worry, I'll clean up. you already did a lot for us thank you" with a very sad face.
I didnt tell her mother anything, I'm sure she's already aware of how her daughter is, but I cant help but think about her. I'm so worried. Should I talk to her mom? Even if I do, what am I supposed to say? I'm just his brother's friend, not someone important for her.

As a teen, I struggled with depression and went to counseling for a few years. I stopped seeing my counselor right before my senior year of high school, but the depression never stopped. It came and went in waves, but I never thought I was “depressed”, I just thought I was overreacting (I blame the formation of this belief on my dad who believes mental health disorders aren’t real).
Fast forward to having my second baby (last year). PPD hit me like a train out of seemingly nowhere. I loved my baby, and had actually enjoyed the newborn phase, but something changed at 3 months pp. I suddenly started dissociating. It was like there were no thoughts in my head; I was empty. Then I realized all I did during the day was scroll on my phone. I had no motivation to get up and do anything. But then… the postpartum rage started. When I had outbursts, it was like I blacked out and literally couldn’t control myself. I could at least feel a rage moment coming on so I put my babies in their cribs in different rooms, but I would throw things and scream uncontrollably. After it was done I would sob and text my husband that I needed him to come home. I had suicidal thoughts and thoughts of harming myself (7 years clean!), but thankfully my husband was able to talk me off the ledge every time. That’s when I went to the doctor. I got on Zoloft and honestly I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop taking it out of fear of losing myself again.
Some things that have improved: - my confidence as a mother and wife - no more rage! Except the occasional brief yelling when I’m trying to drive and everyone is screaming at me haha - no more nighttime hallucinations (I’ve seen things at night ever since I was little!) - motivation to pick up hobbies! - motivation to eat healthier - motivation to exercise - I can focus better! I actually finish books now haha
Some things that I need to work on: - disassociating. I tend to shut down when I’m overwhelmed. I need my husband to go everywhere with me and the kids because i “zone out” or have tunnel vision quite often. - although I have more motivation, I do not quite feel 100% back to “normal”. I’m only a year pp,and still breastfeeding, so who knows what could change when I wean my baby soon.
I’d love to hear other stories of moms with ppd/rage because I did NOT know rage was something that could even happen in association with ppd/ppa.

I (21F) am part of a very religious and traditionally strict family. When my sister (40, Alice) got married her husband (40, Stephen) and his brother (mid 40s, Joseph) moved into the house next door (my dad helped them get it and their jobs since they emigrated from a different country). Stephen and Joseph came to our house at mealtimes to eat (since they're men and obvs can't cook /s).
One day Joseph came to eat and he had a helium balloon to give me (i was 5 at the time), I was in the bathroom and instead of leaving it there or giving it to one of my many family members, he decided to take it back with him. After he'd left, someone told me about the balloon so I went to get it with my brother (34 now, 18 then, Simon), my brother went to park his car from the driveway into the garage and told me to quickly go and get it. I went in and I couldn't reach it since it was stuck to the ceiling so asked Joseph to get it down for me to, which he said "take your pants off first".
Even at that age I knew I shouldn't do this because not only did it feel wrong but my mom had also repeatedly told me to be careful, modest and stay away from boys (religious and all, she instilled these beliefs in me from back then and I have older sisters who were thought they same things but more strictly so I was the same). So I didn't do anything and was like "no, give it to me". He kept insisting but by that point my brother had also come in and he got it down for me and we went home. Idk if my brother heard but he never mentioned it.
Stephen on the other hand seemed like a nice guy, was good to my sister and all of us siblings and treated us nicely. Throughout the years he somehow flipped, around the time that their sister (Tammy) married my brother. Now, my sister and Stephen can't stand each other but stay together for the sake of their kids and because they know that if they divorce the same will happen to their respective siblings.
A similar thing has already happened in their family, basically their other brother (Cameron) and sister (Sammy) are also married to a pair of siblings. Cameron was caught fucking a random other girl in a field so his wife's brother who is married to Sammy openly dated and had a mistress while still being married. They basically want to avoid another situation like this, our culture is very family oriented and one couple cannot break up and the other stay together.
So basically my sister Alice is scared of her husband and his brothers doing stuff to her children because she lived with them for a decade and they were physically abusive to the kids and also weird in a pedo way. Although they didn't do anything sexual during this time (that I know of; me being so much younger means they don't tell me some stuff) I don't have any doubts about why she thinks that because I know they have these kind of tendencies and wouldn't put it past them to try on their little children.
I believe this because Stephen recently told his 9 year old son about how to "feel good" and get a "warm reaction" when rubbing his private parts. Now his son is 10, and Stephen took him to his bedroom and "laid on top of [my nephew] and jumped and pressed into" in my nephews words. I have nothing against secual education, or masturbation, but 9 years old is too young and humping your son is also a unacceptable.
On the other hand, my sister in law Tammy has a habit of watching porn on our TV, which is in the living room and used by everyone (mostly for the children to watch cartoons on or for family movie nights, ironically). Additionally, she was caught by my brother chatting up my other brother in law (35, Elias). Elias was my brother Simon's best friend since they were toddlers and he strongly denied anything happening between him and Tammy, but his wife (my sister Felice, 32) has previously caught Tammy doing this thing and told my brother Simon. He didn't believe her until we were all vacationing together 2 years ago and he saw it happen first hand. Since then Simon and Elias haven't talked to each other and their wives are basically no contact with each other (Simon and Felice still talk tho, although its more of a small talk kinda relationship so not very close).
Another thing I hate is that Tammy is hateful towards me and my all my sisters, but I will focus on Alice. Alice lives in a one bedroom with her 6 kids, she relies on her husband Stephen for money and everything else, he has control of all the banks and all the government benefits they receive for the kids. He recently sent 20000 back to his family in a different country and sends an additional 1000 every month. His family bought 4 houses in the past 2/3 years, while Alice's kids literally get bullied because they dont have the right equipment for school, their lunches, their clothes and other such reasons.
One of these was when their washing machine broke when Alice was 7 months pregnant and she had to wash the clothes by hand. She tried to talk to my parents and brother Simon and his wife Tammy to persuade Stephen to buy a new one cuz she physically couldn't anymore, to which Tammy responded with "whatever happens, whether something breaks or not, he's not gonna fix it and we're not gonna get you a new one. If you wanna stay here stay otherwise fuck off". My brother shouted at her and then her crocodile tears came out, but in the end my brother had to buy a washing machine for my sister Alice. Stephen also has a habit of leaving his wife with their 6 kids for months on end when he goes to his home country, this happened when she was pregnant twice.
When I was 14, they also tried to arrange a meeting for me to get married to their younger brother who is 7-8 years older than me. My parents and I both rejected this thought without hesitation.
I feel like their whole family is sexually fucked up and I hate them so much, I'm scared for all their kids and feel like either they will rape them or teach them that these things are normal, so they will grow up to be like them. Naturally I want neither of these things, I love my niblings and wish we could just get rid of Tammy and Stephen, but in our culture divorce is frowned upon and people make a really big deal out of it. Plus both Alice and Simon love their kids, and one of them would have to probably give up on them if the divorces took place.
Idk if I should report Stephen or how to help Alice, pls lmk if there's something I could do, if not pls help me sort out my thoughts and thank you for listening to my rant.

Hey all, not trying to self-diagnose or anything and I have a psychiatrist appointment for next week. Just wanted to put my thoughts to words and see if others could relate, or even had advice for the psych appointment. I appreciate you all!
First of all, bipolar, depression, anxiety, PTSD, substance addiction, and probably more are in my family, on both my parents' sides.
I have personally only been treated for depression (never officially diagnosed) for the past several years and have been on Wellbutrin which has sort of helped. The reason I suspect BP2 is because of my chronic depression paired with periods of time (usually 1 week to 2 months) where I become obsessive and hyperfixated on something. Usually it's a huge life plan (e.g. changing careers, moving abroad, etc.), winning the lottery, or convincing myself I have canceanother medical issue (in fact, right now I am hyperfocusing on BP2). These hyperfixations cause me to become MAJORLY distracted at my job and in my relationships, to the point that I've gotten in trouble at work and have put myself into major debt. For example, when I thought I had colon cancer, I proceeded to find a GI doctor, get a colonoscopy, not pay the bill, and have to take money out of my 401k to avoid being summoned to court. A different time, I ended up suddenly quitting my job in order to pursue freelancing, spent >$1k on supplies, didn't pay taxes, and couldn't earn enough putting me into more debt. I also adopted a gecko at this time (I really don't know why, but I still have her and love her). At the end of these periods, I am even more depressed and the burnout is incredible. I literally feel braindead.
Anyways, my hesitation with BP2 is that I am REALLY good at hiding things. Only my husband knows about my depression. He does also see my periods of intensity, but I typically come across as well-intentioned and planned. I don't tell him how all-consuming the thoughts are, head spinning and racing, and the burnout at the end. I basically don't exhibit some of the classic signs of hypomania like high sex drive, sleep issues, and grandiosity that it seems are the hallmarks of BP.
So basically I am wondering if others have similar experiences who are diagnosed with BP2 (or something else even). I am looking forward to meeting with a psychiatrist to figure out what's going on. Things have slowly but surely been getting worse and I've seen my extended family experience total psychotic breaks and ruined relationships-- want to avoid at all costs.

Weird title but I'll explain...
Around a year ago me and wife planned a trip for later this year to go see the Eras tour in another state. I initially was hesitant because of the cost but I came around because I really wanted to share this experience with my wife. She's a huge fan and I've started to become one myself, so much so I'm actually really excited about our trip.
Then this Sunday her best friend out of the blue text her saying she "loves the new Swift album" and "wishes she could go to the tour with her"... My wife pretty much instantly says her friend can have my ticket.
Of course when she tells me I am not happy. I really want to go with her to share this experience. I've practically turned into a full blown Swiftie - I bought my wife copies of every album with Taylor-themed 3D printed stands, multiple signed vinyls of the new album, all kinds of merch, custom gifts with Taylor lyrics printed all over them... I've tried to be the perfect Swiftie husband. So yeah I'm pretty mad at the fact she just wanted to push me aside for somebody who didn't give AF about Swift two weeks ago.
So we come to the agreement that isn't gonna work... Well now my wife has the idea of selling our 2 floor tix for 3 less expensive tickets. Ok - not ideal but whatever. Well you don't get paid for selling tickets till after the event. Now my wife expects me to cover $7000 until she "might" find someone to buy our tickets. I'm not poor but I'm also not in a position to just loan out seven grand with only a potential chance of repayment. So I tell her I am not comfortable doing that, put our tickets up for sale first to make sure we recoup our money before ommiting to buying new tickets. She isn't comfortable doing that. So guess we are at an impasse then right? Her friend will need to find a ticket...
Well this morning I wake to a bunch of "don't be mad" messages from my wife... She took 7k out of my HELOC to buy these tickets and now is trying to sell ours. So I'm pretty mad about that because at the very least I'm stuck paying hundreds in fees and interest even if she recoups the money spent. She says she might even make a few thousand profit which I guess would be ok.
But I can't shake the fact she at first had no problem offering my ticket to her friend without even asking me. I'm kinda mad her friend isn't talking some sense into my wife as well. Am I wrong here? Am I being unreasonable?

I was with my first love for 3 and a bit years, we met in late 2010 before we broke up 10 years ago in early 2014. We were young and in our early 20s back then, things just fizzled out.
I've always thought about her but eventually we went our separate ways, she got in to a relationship with another guy after me for a few years but eventually he ended up cheating on her, this was around 2017.
After her breakup in 2017 I confessed my feelings for her but we didn't go anywhere with it as she was still healing so I told her I need to cut her off at the point because I told her I was struggling to be just friends with her, to which she said that she was heartbroken that's it come to us parting ways. But we wished each other well and went our separate ways. I was really at my lowest at that point but have come a really long way since in terms of having a successful career and have improved a lot financially and mentally.
At the start of 2019, she did add me on social media but she didn't say anything to me so a few days later I ended up deleting her because I realised I still wasn't over her, I regretted deleting her afterwards.
At the end of 2019 I heard that she was engaged, she ended up getting married but then I heard she got divorced around a year and a half ago. A few monthds ago I found out that the reason for her divorce was because her husband cheated on her and was abusive towards her. They got divorced around early 2022.
As for me I did get in to another relationship with someone else but I was also cheated on so I have been single for a few years now, I have been evolving in my career and proud of how far I've come and have recently started a new chapter in my career. I considered getting in touch with her a few months ago but I noticed that she had cut off a lot of people from her social media so I wasnt too sure how she'd react to me adding her, I thought she'd reject me seen as she's cutting off a lot of people.
So around 3 months ago I took the plunge seen as I had nothing to lose and sent her a request on instagram, and she has accepted and also followed me back. She's been viewing my stories and a month ago I posted a life quote on my story which she liked, I haven't spoke to her yet. I posted a few pictures of myself which she hasn't liked but A few weeks ago I posted a quote on my story that said 'be the reason for someone's pain to turn into a smile', she liked that quote and also another one that I posted last week. It was my birthday a few days ago and she liked a birthday story that I posted on instagram. I'm limiting the amount of posts that I like of hers because I don't want to seem too forward.
I'm assuming she is single but not entirely sure. I added her 3 months ago but she deleted me, I was confused because she only liked one of my stories few days prior. I would have liked to see if there was future for us but don't think she's interested now, i have messaged her saying 'Hi, hope your well. I probably should have said something a long time ago but I didn't, my fault. I've been praying for you, today I realise I've been deleted anyways I hope your keeping happy and healthy'. She replied saying 'Hey I'm good thanks hope you are too, that is kind of you, I didn't expect this kind of message'.
I didn't really know what to say back to her, I still don't understand why she deleted me even though days before she was showing an interest in my stories before and now she's deleted me. I have just replied saying 'that's good. Sorry for catching you off guard with it, I wanted to reach out to you earlier. I'm glad your doing well though' and now she has replied back saying 'can I ask why?' I replied back saying 'It's been on my mind for a while to get back in touch with you, I didn't add you for no reason. But we don't need to if it's not something your comfortable with'. She has now sent a long message as follows: 'You don’t make me feel uncomfortable. I have thought about you over the years and wished you well.
I removed you because you have my ex and his family on your instagram and I removed everyone who has any contact with them. You will have heard that I was married there for a short period of time but it was hell and now I’m out of it I don’t want them knowing anything about my life, so I removed everyone who has any link with them. I didn’t realise till that day that you did. It was nothing to do with you personally.' .
Im not actually friends with her ex husband as he is just someone that lives nearby to me and we have never spoken so I have now replied with this: 'I'm sorry that you had to go through that, I hope your okay and I pray god brings you ease. I wouldn't exactly say I have anything to do with them personally though, only thing I know about them is that they're from my area too. It makes sense now and it's understandable why you did that.'
She has replied back again saying 'I'm great, God is the best of planners and it was the best thing for me. Even so, I removed everyone who had us both so sorry about that' and to which I have replied 'That's fair enough, I'm glad to hear your doing well though and that your at peace now. That's what matters most'. She had now asked 'how have you been, what's new with you?' I have just replied saying 'I'm not too bad thanks, life's changed a lot since we last spoke so there's quite a lot that's new lol'. That was few nights ago, and after that we were speaking generally about the holiday that I'm currently on and what to do as she has been here before too and she also asked how long I'm there for, it was in general a short and civilised conversation.
She ended the conversation 6 nights ago by liking my last message, I don't know if she plans to message me again as she did take a few hours to reply between each message, What are the chances that she'll message me even if we don't follow each other on instagram anymore. I am slightly anxious that she won't message me after this due to her deleting me because her ex is on my Instagram. Was thinking of just giving her space for a few more days, then deleting her ex and requesting her back in around a weeks time.

I've posted this last year and some things happened which made me quite proud and I'd like to share how things went. So recap and then update:
So... When I was little, I lived with my mom and stepdad, things were great and we were very happy. Then my mom passed when I was 7y, so I moved with my father and stepmom, things were complicated. Currently, I have no contact with him (he's not a good man nor a good dad), and I live with my aunt (since 2018) and her husband (he came along in 2019).
Me and my aunt had an amazing relationship, she was my favourite aunt and all that. However, things started to go wrong when I started living with her, I made the mistake of answering that yes, I wanted to be treated like her daughter along with her 2 sons (one my age and the other 3 years younger). I had a desperate "need" for a mothefather. She became a kind of "maunt" (mother+aunt), and her husband a "stepdad"... Oh how do I regret this
Well, she has a favourite son, the oldest. He's lazy, arrogant, disrespectful, a typical golden boy who got spoiled his whole life and now he doesn't give a damn about anything other than himself.
For being the other woman in the house, she constantly pushes house chores to me, instead of the boys (subconsciously, i believe), pretty much only asks me about things, where her sons are, if the dogs were fed, if the boys cleaned well whatever room they were supposed to, stuff like that, and she's also constantly very, very rude to me (at the point of her husband arguing with her about it). And I got this whole syndrome of everything being my responsibility and anxiety when it comes to her, which became extremely exhausting over the years.
I came out to her about my bissexuality about 4 years ago, i thought she would take it well. She didn't. She masks her disapproval, but she clearly doesn't like it. I was really let down, I genuinely thought she would be supportive and everything we expect, but she first got confused, then annoyed and has said some very hurtful thing over the years. Currently I have a gf (she's 22 years old), we've been dating for over a year. They don't like each other very much, my gf doesn't like her because of all the things she does to me. And my aunt doesn't care about my gf at all because... well, she a girl.
Ok, that's the context. Now here's what happened.
My aunt send some kind of agressive messages over something silly, and that caused my anxiety on fire for the gazillionth time, only that time I had enough. I called my other aunt (by consideration, she's married to my grandad) and asked for help (she knows everything that goes on), if i could move in with them, she said yes. I then replied my aunt with a text saying i had enough and would move in with my grandad. She got upset and said (among other things) that "i had her blessing to leave, even though i didn't ask for it". She called my grandma (we are very close), and my grandma sent me some awful audios of how disappointed she was, how I made my aunt sad, of what would people think, that i used to be such a sweet girl and now this, of how loving is a choice and i chose not to love my aunt, stuff like that. Aunt and her husband went to dinner with my grandad that night without my presence, and told them we had an amazing relationship, that she didn't knew what happened, that my problem was I couldn't take a "no" for an answer, etc.
Two days later, we sat down to talk, she told me to start, I said all I wanted. She then started saying how that kind of thing should not have been adressed through text (which I agree, but I had to text or I'd freak out), that she was harder on me than the boys because (in another words) the world was rough and she loved me the most.
And then her husband also spoke about how he understands both sides and blablabla, and said that i could go to my grandad, but that they felt like i should understand that i would only go because THEY allowed, if they didn't wanted, i would not go, no matter what my grandparents or aunt (grandad's wife) said. He basically wanted to state their power position.
(Since my mother's death, my whole family on her side feel responsible for me, so i see all of them in the same way. None of them are my mom and dad, they are in the same "level" to me and have the same "right"... Him saying that made me burn inside, like they're entitled to me, I don't belong to them or anyone. They're my aunt and "uncle", that's about it, they think they have something on me that they... Don't)
And then my aunt said that I could go, as long as I told my grandad about my sexuality and girlfriend. Now... He's kind of old fashioned and i'm scared he'll reject me... We have an amazing relationship, I have lunch with them every wednesday, and I'm the closest grandkid he has (the others aren't so invested). So I don't know if I tell him the truth and manage to leave (depending on his reaction) or if I don't risk it and stay in the toxic enviroment i'm in.
UPDATE - 14/05/2024
Hello! So, things got much worse before they got better. Let's give them names so the story telling will be easier, let's call my girlfriend Bea, my aunt Leah, her husband James and my "aunt" (my grandad's wife) Rachel.
I basically swallowed my anger because I couldn't bring mysef to speak to my grandad about my sexuality, my grandparents are the most important people in my life as they've always been there for me and I was terrified to be disliked by him. That was until december.
Early december I was leaving for work and before I left, I tried to "notify" my aunt that Bea would be spending Christmas and New Years with me and my siblings (note: my siblings had been looking forward to her being there, specially my brother and my SIL (Luke and Lyla), they made it a question that she'd go. I have 3 paternal siblings, so there's NO relation between them and my aunt Leah. We'd be staying in a city 3 hours away from mine at my brother and SIL's house, every year we do this). She immediately said "you know I don't like this", I said "yes", she then said "good morning" and I left for college.
The next morning, I was eating before going to work and Leah started talking about it and we started a conversation that developed into a fight. She said things like how dare I "notify" her, how that's not how things work and that it would not happen because THEY (she and James) don't feel confortable with this, how THEY think Luke wouldn't like this because "no one likes to have people over for a week" (he and Lyla were super pumped for Bea to go), how THEY don't know my girlfriend enough (come on, we had been dating for over a year already), how THEY wouldn't like me going with her to a stranger's house (in complete disregard to my point of view, it's my freaking brother, whom they met a couple times btw, not a stranger. But to them, the only meaninful point of view was theirs). She had even called my brother to basically "check my story", like?? She also said that we we're only teenagers (seriously, 22 and 20) , and I said "no, she isn't and neither am I!", she said she didn't say Bea was, I then said "and neither am I", she said I was, because I didn't act like and adult, then I got mad and talked about how I do literally everything around the house, always walk the dogs even when I get home tired at 10PM, even though they got there at 7PM, I help with groceries purchase, pay the water bill, clean the house, do the chores her boys lack to do, and when I'm not home, I'm either at work or college, but when she disagrees about something, she just puts me back in the "teenager box". And in the end, she said that my raising was not like this, this made me laugh in anger inside, she's been with me for 5 years, I'm 20 lol.
So that was it, I left for work and got a text from her, apologizing for being rough, saying that she loved me and wanted it to work, that they wanted to talk to me when I got home. I replied saying the same.
Later that day when we were all home, we gathered in the living room, I was literally against the wall and it intimidated me deeply. James started saying how much they loved me and wanted to see me happy, as they want that for all their children (aunt Leah has 2 boys, my cousins, and James has 3 girls). I then talked and expressed how I was feeling, then Leah started talking and basically said in a nicer tone the same things she said earlier, plus how they want me to be happy and want things to work for me, but they think it's too soon, they believe it's not the right time, they they, and therefore, despite being against what they want, I could take Bea, but only in ONE of the two holidays, which I could choose. I was in a bit of a shock (you see, me and Bea had bought the bus tickets a while earlier), had no support, against the wall, I was feeling purely defeated and tired, I only said "Christmas then...", she then said we would sleep in separate rooms and would not go on the 22th after work because "she had already allowed an extra night by allowing her to stay there until the 25th". I stayed in silence, they asked if there was anything I'd like to add, I said no. It wasn't a conversation, in no moment did they actually listened and considered me, they had their minds set way before we sat to talk. I went to my room and rolled all night in pure anxiety. This was thursday
Friday I was a wreck and went to Bea's house to check on her (she was sick that week) and to talk to her about what happened. She noticed something was off, I told her, she got mad and sad, we cried, etc. I went home feeling awful, my anxiety had been 100% all day long and I was in a really bad place and feeling deeply frustrated.
Saturday I woke up worse and decided that I had enough and was not having that anymore. I went outside and called grandad, talked about how I wasn't feeling well and asked what did he think about me leaving home, he said that their doors were always open and that I could just tell my aunt that "I was going to live with my grandad and that was it". I reframed the question asking what he though about me leaving to live alone, he then got worried and said that he didn't think that was necessary, that I had them and didn't need to do that. He then asked me to come over and talk to him and aunt Rachel. I accepted and told aunt Leah I'd sleep at grandad's.
I got there and ate a bit because I didn't want them extra worried, although I felt like throwing up at every bite. Everyone went to sleep and so did I. I woke up a bit later feeling worst, that's when I started to throw up, there was barely anything in my stomach and all I could do was throw up.
The next morning I was better and had already told aunt Rachel about what had happened, she found it absurd how things went (she had met Bea a while back and they clicked very well) and was upset about the things aunt Leah said. I decided to talk to grandad, I couldn't disappear with the subject again, specially now that he was worried sick about me.
So... I sat on the couch and told him what was happening, explained everything, told him that I'm like his stepson's MIL (she's married to a woman. It was the easiest way I found to introduce the topic), told him everything. He asked what I wanted him to do about it, I said that I just wanted him to still love me the same and remain normal with me, that I am still the same person and have always been this way, he just didn't knew about it, but that it changes nothing about me. Aunt Rachel then joined us and asked what he was thinking about it (she knows everything and is amazing to me), he said he wasn't pleased, but that it was my life and he had no say in it and that I should do what's right for me, said that if I wasn't gonna change, then neither would he. But basically, he got much more worried about my mental health than my sexuality, he said that the doors were still open and always would be for me, that he thought I needed a home and thinks they can offer me that. Aunt Rachel said that they wouldn't be obsessive after me, demanding to know every step I take and bossing everything like Leah did, that I have my graduation, I work, make my own money, am responsible, have my own life and am not a child, I'm a 20 year old adult and they would treat me as such.
So that was it. I went back "home" muchhh more confident and waited until nightfall because everyone was having a good time and I didn't want to spoil that. I realized aunt Leah and James were awake and went to talk to them, and that, my friends, is when hell went loose.
I started by saying I talked to my grandad about Bea and my sexuality, Leah asked how it went and I said it was great. Then I said they could talk to him (since they wanted to "decide" with him about my going), she said ok and asked when I wanted to go, I said that it could be in the same week since I was on vacation from college, she frowned, stood firmly and said "you know this won't change our decision about the holidays, right?" then it went boom, I said I didn't agree with them and that it wasn't right for them to dictate about such things. Told them their values and beliefs don't have to be mine, Leah asked "WHY NOT?", then I replied "because I have my own!".
Told them they were controlling and that made their kids lie to them, that since they liked to compare raisings (they criticized Bea's mom's raising because she gives her kids freedom to live their lives and fully trusts), then fine, I went on to say how Bea and her mom have an amazing relationship, full of love and trust, how Bea turned up great, works hard, just made it to psicology at university, helps immensely at home, and so has her sister. As for theirs? They raised their kids poorly, they are overbearing and that makes their kids not trusting them and lying a lot because of this necessity of them to control everything. I stated that the raising they gave their children was not my own, that I had multiple raisings and that no, they didn't "raise" me, I'm 20 and they've been with me for 5 years. Said that was clear, just look at the difference between me and her boys (I won't delve into this bit because it's not relevant, but the difference is nitid).
They said I couldn't take a no for an answer and that was my dad's fault, I said they didn't know what they were talking about, I know how it actually went whilst they made a story in their heads and believe it's the truth, since I knew how my dad used to tell my family one thing and do another.
They (again) said they wouldn't treat me like an adult because I did nothing to behave like one, I said that they didn't treat me as I deserved and they would always put me in the "teenager box" whenever I acted differently to what they thought was right (but I was adult enough to lend James almost 1k without Leah's knoledge lol).
She obviously tried to blame Bea, saying she was putting things in my head and that the last conversation was fine and now I was throwing a fit, I said that I said nothing else then because I felt cornered and realized it wasn't a conversation, it was them simulating one only to tell me what they were going to all along.
I told them they didn't know Bea because they didn't want to and I wasn't confortable bringing her as it was an enviroment unwelcoming to her, she then asked if i would go another year like this until I "felt confortable", I said yes, if that's what it took, that I didn't really need to introduce anyone if I didn't felt comfortable to it.
She once demanded to go meet Bea, after throwing a fit at my BIRTHDAY because Bea planned a day for me and my MIL wanted to make me lunch and they weren't invited, it was super uncomfortable. My aunt described this day as uncomfortable, in this argument I said "and about that day you guys met Bea and her mom? It was uncomfortable? OF COURSE it was, I TOLD you it would be! I told you that was barging in and no one wanted it!". Which Leah said that no, that wasn't the uncomfortable part, the uncomfortable was how Bea was "daring her, being all over me and kissing me in front of her, that she had to be respected!".... Lol, the being "all over me" was me shaking from the anxiety and Bea holding me to keep me in my feet, the "kissing" was ONE greeting kiss. And Bea did nothing "daring" towards Leah, believe me, if she had, aunt Leah would definitely know lol.
At the end, they asked if I was taking Bea, I said, yes, Leah said no, since she called my brother and told him how "things would go down" (amazes me everytime I remember this, she wanted to dictate how the holidays would go IN SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE). Lol, my brother was just texting me saying how Bea could go spend the whole holiday and we'd just say she left after Christmas. So it wasn't a very good argument on Leah's end. I said it was my business and I was sorry, but it was MY brother, MY family, MY relationship, MY life, and it wasn't up for them to dictate on it, they shouldn't feel comfortable or uncomfortable since it had NOTHING to do with them, and that my family who mattered in this were not only comfortable but very excited for Bea's presence.
I told them I knew I wasn't wrong since grandad and aunt Rachel agreed with me, so they could go ahead and talk to them if they wanted to. They ended up showing me their tumb and I left for my room.
Aunt Leah left to grandad's house in like, 5 minutes, cried to him and all. She got back, went in my room and in an ironic tone, said "sorry, I know I'm not your mother, stay with your raisings, I'm just glad and relieved my father wasn't as ok as you thought (her saying this seriously hurt me), he accepted for reasons ans beliefs he has, so go ahead and pack your bags this week, you're free to go. Sorry for the flaws, I was trying to get it right, be careful when you take that sticker off, don't ruin the painting." aaand she left.
The next day, grandad came and we took 90% of my stuff and I started officially living with him and aunt Rachel. Christmas was a bit awkward (my maternal family does this early Christmas so everyone's free on the 24th), but I was glooming feeling like the weight of the world had left my shoulders.
So... I went with Bea to spend the holidays with my family, my siblings, my SIL's parents and even my 1 year old nephew absolutely adored Bea, they now ask about her even before asking about me lol. My paternal grandmother loved her and was amazing, told my aunt (her daughter) that Bea was adorable and loving. It was amazing and I cannot imagine 2023 Christmas and New Year without Bea with us, she added sooo much.
Recently we've been to Luke's and Lyla's at Easter and made Easter eggs together, watched movies, went out, went to a family gathering where Bea, my uncles, cousins and grandmother (who was really happy to see her since Bea couldn't go to her birthday because she had to work) all got along really well.
We see each other frequently, living with grandad and aunt Rachel has been amazing, I'm finally gaining weight! MANY people have noticed it and it quite frankly scared me a bit, I had no idea it was so evident. But yeah, I'm doing great!
Grandad isn't ready to deal with this, so we don't talk about it. He doesn't like it and doesn't really understands, but he's doesn't meddle. Grandma (maternal) texted these days wanting to meet Bea (finally!), since she found out through aunt Rachel that me and Bea are still together and going strong for 1 year and a half already. I think she took it seriously now.
Anyway, it was hell, lol. But things turned out alright! Thank you for the people who commented in my first post, it was nice reading the comments and taking the options into consideration!

So a few months ago I cut my (step)“father” out of my life for good. He met me when I was 4, and my biological “father” walked out before I was born so wasn’t in the picture (he didn’t want me so tried to hurt my Mum whilst she was pregnant with me). So, he eventually became my “Dad”. Let’s call him Jason
I got together with my husband when I was 17, and he noticed traits of emotional abuse from Jason to myself- but as per usual, I was blind to it. He didn’t speak about it because he didn’t want me to realise and be hurt. However, after my Mum died it all started creeping out the cracks. Jason was adamant that he was suffering from grief the most, that nobody could possibly understand the pain he was in… yeah.. we all understood. I snapped and couldn’t take it anymore, and actually began to think of what I needed. He then turned and became more of a monster
I came to realise everything. All the emotional abuse, all the sick things he did, and it’s really messed me up. I’ve tried to take my life over it multiple times, I’ve hurt myself, I started falling back into addiction. I’m not coping with it whatsoever
Jason and I had many mutual friends, and he’s been talking crap about me to so many people. I’ve kept as many people out of it as possible, I don’t speak about it to any of those friends, because I’m not suddenly going to make people “pick” between us
I just want to move on with my life; pick up the pieces of myself and heal. Focus on what really matters. However, him and his crap always finds a way to hurt me more. He’s twisted my brother to see me as the villain, I’m so sure he’s twisted some of the mutual friends against me too, and these are people I love so dearly
Those closest to me give me so much love and support, I have beautiful children that give me a reason to stay alive, but there are times I really can’t cope with it… which terrifies me because I don’t want to snap and end up taking my life. But those thoughts go through my head so often, and I’m fighting so hard to keep going
What else can I do to stop him hurting me more? What should I do about the mutual friends that aren’t being the same with me anymore?? I feel like the world’s biggest burden asking for help (surprise, that stems from the abuse from Jason), but I don’t want to die. I already have enough health stuff going on, I don’t need this looming over me anymore than it already is
Thank you for reading. Lots of love x

Hi everyone! Let me know what you think of these name and some alternatives. My husband dislikes family names as first names but I personally LOVE them.
Girls:
Audrey Kennedy (My pick, but there aren’t really nicknames you can use for Audrey)
Zara Josephine (Used to be a fav but people started making fun of it, I loved it because of it’s royal connection! My hubby loves. I think Zara Jo is super fashionable too).
Ivy Josephine (Family name, we love the “Jo theme”)
Clara Josephine
Boys:
Dean Andrew (Hub literally only likes this boy name, he likes strong and cool, I love it)
Leo Alexander (Both family names)
Sebastian Scott
Henry Alexander

I (28F) have known my partner, David (29M) for 5 years now, which includes an 8-month period in which we were broken up and I was in a serious relationship with another man, Luke (30M).
Before I met Luke, my relationship with David was suffering from a ton of very textbook communication issues. I won’t go into too much detail, but here’s an example. Whenever I tried to do something nice for him, he would guilt me for trying to make him feel bad because he would not do nice things for me (he was depressed at the time so that’s why it made sense to him). Or rather than talk about our feelings in a healthy manner (I-statements), we would blame each other. It was messy and resentment grew in our relationship. I used to cry a lot.
This was exactly the time I met Luke, who is a relative of my stepmother through her late husband before she married my dad. My stepmom was renting out a portion of my dad’s and hers marital home to Luke and one night she invited me to dinner with all of them. Luke instantly drew me in. He was a child’s psychologist and since I also work with small children, we had so much in common. We had an amazing conversation that evening and I learnt he had a great insight into people. I could not put my finger on it instantly, but it felt so refreshing meeting someone like him. When I shared that I met Luke with my then boyfriend David, he accused me of cheating on him and acted extremely possessive about me which angered me because I didn’t do anything wrong.
Having Luke around was more frequent now since I am close to my stepmother. Maybe because my relationship with David was getting so bad, I projected a lot of my fantasy on Luke, unconsciously. I never meant to get emotionally close with him, and as soon as I realised I was developing feelings for another man, I ended my relationship with David. That very week, Luke asked me out and our relationship blossomed. At the time, it felt like destiny, like we were meant to be and we moved too fast. It was a whirlwind romance. He was incredible and after 5 months of dating, we moved in together. However, he does not want kids of his own and I realised we were incompatible ultimately and we broke up amicably. I should admit that despite our incompatibility, there was a lot of genuine love in our relationship and he is going to be one of the “great loves” I have experienced in my life.
A lot of you might also feel differently about this, but we cannot control our feelings, only our actions. And as soon as I realised I was falling for Luke, I did right by my then partner, David, and ended things with him. I NEVER wanted to lead him on, NOR am I the cheating type. I ended things when I realised my feelings. I never cheated on David and our couple’s therapist agrees with this
I remained single for a whole year, and David reached out. He was doing better mentally now and we went for couple’s therapy as well and are in a good place now when it comes to communicating maturely. However, he cannot seem to navigate his insecurity of how I “left him for Luke”, and he wants me to say that I regret being with Luke. As hard as it is on David, I do not regret meeting Luke. David and I were bad for each other back then and we were different people. I see that the way life lead us apart, and now together, we have grown so much. Yes, it’s true, that while being with David, I fell in love with Luke, and I do not believe in the concept of “love of my life”. David also feels insecure because I never moved in with him, but I moved in with Luke. However that’s an unfair comparison because no 2 relationships are equal.
I am committed to making my relationship with David work and I know a lot of you will want to know this, but I absolutely have no feelings for Luke now. He is a different chapter of my story and is in the past.
TLDR: I was in a rocky relationship with David due to communication issues, which led to meeting Luke and eventually leaving David for him. Despite our differences, Luke and I had a whirlwind romance but ultimately realized we were incompatible. Now, David struggles with insecurity and wants me to regret leaving him for Luke, but I don't. I ended things with David as soon as I realized my feelings for Luke, and while it was tough, it was the right decision for me. I'm committed to making things work with David now, but I won't deny my truth or regret meeting someone who was once a significant part of my life.

*Management style:
Not democratic/participative. Not transformational. Not Coaching. Very much Autocratic/Authoritative/Coercive. Sometimes Laissez-faire. Style depends on the department.
*Chain of command:
The ministry is seen as a church by top management. Top management are the “elders” and the CEO is the Senior Pastor. Then there is everybody else. So, confidence is put on their positions of authority. They are, in all sense and purposes, the “spiritual leaders”. They present themselves as having spiritual authority and, therefore, as being entitled to receive immediate agreement and unquestioned compliance.
Also, there are multiple management layers or chains which this quote sums up as well:
"When you become an admiral, you never have bad meals and you never hear the truth. there are all these layers of management and buffer layers and each one is afraid to tell unpleasant truth to the top levels.... “
Not a culture of authenticity where everyone on the team, including management, is encouraged, and expected to be who they are. There is a sense that top management puts up a false front, they seem to want to appear perfect. Illusions of invulnerability exist. They always lead well, they always make the right decisions, they never admit mistakes, etc. Want people to think they got it all together- all rainbows and lollipops. Do not exhibit vulnerability. Toxic positivity is also very much present: Everything is seen as “awesome”. So, there is judgment if you have a bad (not "everything is awesome") day.
The vertical chain of command, results in less collaboration, slow communication, lack of career growth, feelings of subordination, and decreased employee empowerment. Top management sets the rules and standards without any input from the “bottom” employees. Employee questions, concerns or ideas have to go up several steps of the chain of command so that upper management can address or approve. The bottom employees do not have the ability to make decisions related to their work or a particular situation. So, not everyone feels equal.
So, if you are not a spiritual leader, you are just basically told to submit and listen to those who are in authority over you because they are the people that “hear from God” and you are not and so whatever they say goes. And they set up a scenario where they basically kept those of us who were not spiritual leaders dependent upon them.
Many in management are overconfident and overestimate their abilities. They have a simple idea of how things are and how things work. Unfortunately, they make decisions that impact entire departments without gaining the needed knowledge.
The chain of command and lack of ongoing training also results in many employees being promoted so much that they max out their competence and will remain there until they leave or are let go. So, you end up with many in the role of management that lack the training and competence of the respective department. So, employees with the most authority are often not the most experienced and not adept in the particular field leading team members. And employees with the most experience and skills and knowledge and wisdom have the least (or no) authority.
Good leaders don’t always claim the “leader” title. Oftentimes, good leaders are those with more understated temperaments. Leadership is as much about listening as it is about telling. However, people with the most open and receptive personalities often do not have much authority.
Also, how the chain of command should operate when there is a unit that acted without proper authorization, it is not a junior authority who’s going to bear a responsibility for that, but somewhat of more senior status. And that’s true in any military or business or ministry operating by a code of ethics. So, if someone at the bottom of the chain is struggling, failing, or making mistakes, those at the top of the chain bear full responsibility. Everything stands or falls on leadership. Unfortunately, the chain at FCBH is not two directional.
There is also a sense that top management promotes employees who are least-competent but pose no risk to their own position (in-group bias) to management.
*Feedback:
Work environment or culture is not set up for employees to give honest feedback/opinions or to deliver bad news or to question or disagree with management.
Sample bias is also common. Management will send an email asking for feedback but they won't consider how only the people who are open to talking and sharing their opinions will participate while others won’t. Bias arises because employees with specific characteristics (e.g., extroverts) might be more likely to agree to participate than others, making the participants a non-representative sample. People with strong opinions or substantial knowledge about a specific topic may be more willing to give feedback than those without. Management does not follow up to determine why they are unresponsive or follow up frequently to reduce attrition.
Management claims they want to hear from employees, but they only want opinions and ideas on matters that are superficial or trivial. So, few employees give candid feedback on important and significant matters.
Top management does not involve employees in the change process when changes occur.
Management does not ask for honest feedback on their leadership or on decisions that are made that affect employees. Management will not ask how they are doing as leaders, what employees need from them. No regular check-ins or 1:1 on employees’ professional and personal well-being. Are employees stressed, disappointed or feeling burdened physically, emotionally or spiritually? No growth and career discussions.
Management will ignore most feedback, comments, suggestions even when it's common knowledge but will adamantly listen to employees who preface with "God told me to tell you..." Or “I felt God say …” or “God spoke to me and said…”
For example, management started focusing on Gen Z only after a few people claimed that “God told us that Gen Z are important for our future business growth.” In another instance, someone said “God gave us this word: we as a ministry need to really consider how everyone is wired, how each person is different. How people have different personalities.” Then, management affirmed this “word from God.”
If one employee brings something up to management it is often ignored and the employee is gaslighted. If two or more employees bring the same thing to management, then God is communicating something and they take it seriously (per Matt 18). Even if it is just coincidence or frequency bias.
*Groupthink/Conformity:
Groupthink, confirmation bias, in-group bias, illusions of unanimity, and self-censorship is very prevalent in the culture and especially in their meetings. There is a lot of direct pressure to not question, to conform, to agree with the views and personal convictions of the top management. Employees condemn those who disagree or question top management and they accept those who agree, creating immense pressure for conformity.
So, many employees frequently remain quiet, preferring to “keep the peace” rather than disrupt the uniformity. Employees are pressured to hide problematic information (especially from top management).
*Disagreements/Different perspectives:
Top management will also point out the working and living conditions of international employees to “encourage” local employees to not “complain” or give critical feedback or bring up legitimate problems (e.g., fumes or loud noises from construction in the building).
Management also often commits the "ends (or goals or vision) justify the means" fallacy: the work, the production and distribution of bibles (the ends) being done is more important, so employees shouldn't complain at all about the means or their working conditions (broken chairs, broken or inadequate equipment, poor work-life balance, bad management).
And, if management disagrees with you, with your observations, feedback, suggestions, or theology, they will often try to trump you with spirituality or vague meaningless spiritual terminology instead of using Scripture (properly interpreted), facts and reasoning.
In addition, top managers will take great offense when employees question or disagree with the directions and decisions they make. Dissent is not welcomed. Respectful debates/disagreement is not encouraged. Open discussion and alternative perspectives are not encouraged. Management does not value, support, or respect diverse opinions and ideas. They do not actively seek out different viewpoints. Do not allow people to speak their perspective, their thought of mind. So, there is no psychological safety. Employees do not feel comfortable expressing dissenting opinions without fear of retribution or judgment. Afraid of breaking the little glass image. People do not feel comfortable sharing setbacks, mistakes, failures. Management does not encourage open communication. Management often seeks agreement, instead of posing honest questions that challenge the status quo and provoke critical thinking and discussion. They do not encourage employees to challenge them. In fact, they are seen as a type of complaining or critical feedback and so are viewed as sin. This makes top management seem self-centered.
*Appeals to emotion: Guilt and Shame:
Top management often shares their personal opinions and convictions (e.g., spending money only when absolutely necessary, not accepting large gifts, not buying fancy items) as something everyone should do. It’s never direct. It's always through stories. Management loves stories. The personal convictions of management are presented as more than preferences.
For instance, top management encourages extreme frugality and poverty through their personal anecdotes #loudbudgeting and stories from international cultures. Think along the lines of: “we, here in America, have no right to be sad or to complain about things or to request better things or ask for accommodations or for more employee engagement because others (internationals) have it much worse.” Even wanting better equipment and supplies or asking for better working conditions is frowned upon (in some cases seen as a sin), even if your request helps you to do your job more effectively and makes the work better (a new whiteboard, a new office chair, better computers, etc.)
Example: “You should really try to come in to work even if you feel bad, even if you are snowed in and the roads are hazardous because people need to get our bibles. And our international employees work in much harsher conditions.”
You also get this feeling from the way they communicate that top management would rather not pay their employees. They would prefer it if everyone just worked for free because “we are on a mission from God. We are doing the Lord's work.” There is also a sense that employees should be more than willing to sacrifice their well-being, career goals, financial goals, personal goals for reaching people with their Bibles.
Leadership sets the example and expectations, so this all ends up making employees confused and feeling guilty and ashamed. Guilty and shameful about asks, spending money (even their own). Guilty and shameful about having nice things (new car, new phone, new tv), about making needs known, about sharing concerns regarding work, about asking for raises to keep up with cost of living, etc.
Example: An employee has continued to use an old whiteboard. It is so old it is hard to read and difficult to erase. Management likes to tell donors: “We don't spend money on everyday things like whiteboards…. Instead, we use that money for more bible recordings, for people to hear about Jesus.”
This also causes confusion. Every few months there is a meeting where management discusses how sitting on stores of money is bad, but spending it is also bad, but also not spending it is bad... "Being rich is bad. Money is bad. let's not accumulate money, that's bad. We must think about how people will see what we have. So we should look poor and not appear too frivolous." But top management is okay with receiving gifts from donors and other ministries. Management personally does not like to have nice “fancy” things, and as a ministry, they say FCBH should also not have nice fancy things, they should use the money for other more important things. They don't like when other ministries use their money for nice fancy things, but it's okay if other ministries give FCBH nice fancy things like tote bags, key chains, mugs, phone holders, lunch bags. Another example, it took them years to repaint the parking lot. It was at the point where people did not know where to park. Before repainting, management decided to remodel the hallways and install posters and multiple monitors with language stats.
There is also a subtle sense that producing audio and video bibles is the highest calling one can have. And it's implied that FCBH is the main means God uses to fulfill the great commission: “God needs FCBH to do these bible recordings or people (specifically unreached internationals) will go to hell.” So, top management hints that working anywhere else isn't really serving God (or at least, not serving God as well as one could if they worked somewhere else). They imply that working at this ministry is the only way to truly serve God and fulfill your calling. They also use this framing to guilt and shame employees into not quitting. Management implies that employees should not take opportunities to leave or take other jobs because getting the Bible to people is God’s highest calling for us as Christians:
“If anyone leaves FCBH, then they must not really understand the vision/calling. They are not committed to saving people. We should be willing to give up things to fulfill the calling. The apostles did not pursue better jobs and so God will provide if we need better pay, benefits, career. For those of us who join the ministry to hold true to get God's word to every person, it takes discipline because we have opportunities to do other things. I'm sure that Noah had problems with Builders because he probably had hundreds of people not thousands working on the ark. They started their own businesses and started side things going on. pretty soon they'll have no time to work with him on the ark. and you can have all kinds of diversionary things happen. and so we want to understand they focused in the ministry. and that's been one of the things that I've really tried to do is what did God tell me at the time this ministry began because I was not interested in this ministry. I was interested in living by faith and experiencing God through people and seeing people experience God. and when I was praying about that here in Albuquerque the Lord said bring my church together and make disciples. and then he also told me that when his people think the same they are one. so it's not a matter of getting rid of the buildings or the leaders but it's a matter of people thinking the same. They can go to different denominations, different buildings, have different teachers, and different preachers and leaders but once they think the same, they're one and that's what his objective was. and so that's when I felt like the Lord said get God's word to every person. So I'm challenging us to stay true to what God has called us to do. and every time somebody leaves the ministry there are reasons for leaving. but it startles me a little bit, because I think well we haven't, we haven't communicated the vision very well somehow because they didn't get it. like Noah building the arc. it it's a long project it's not a month or a year two years or three years. our immediate goal is 2033 and it means that we're committed to a cause. and that means some of us we give up something. I we've given up stuff we live in a small apartment and that's what we saw that God had us do and that's our lifestyle we we tone down our lifestyle to get the cause committed to the cause. and and I know that's difficult for some, in some cases maybe there's financial needs because of family growth and stuff there they just can't afford to work in the ministry. but sometimes it's a choice and every time somebody leaves it where it's actually a choice. I think we haven't communicated the mission very good the vision very good. I've been looking at is that could you imagine read reading the New Testament. and finding out that Peter about halfway through or Paul halfway through the ministry all of a sudden got a better job offer. and stopped their portion of the ministry they held the course no matter what happened. whether it was good or whether it was bad. Paul talks about this and sometimes we want to follow the Lord. but we don't impart on ourselves the same responsibilities that those disciples did. so when God Empower them is he empowering you in the same way. and you're making choices that maybe you shouldn't make that you will impart and say the Lord is leading me someplace else when in fact maybe it isn't. it's just a better offer. if the Bible in the New Testament was reading a little bit different than Stephen left the ministry at this point or James left the ministry at this point because of something I think we need to be very very careful and why I say that is that as we work internationally.”
SO, there is a lot of guilt and shame about leaving to pursue other interests or meet needs. Guilt and shame about wanting to leave to advance and develop professionally. For this reason, many remain “loyal” and stay at the ministry.
So there is lots of control and manipulation in the work culture.
*Weekly worship meetings:
These are mandatory and there are some legitimate concerns:
Top management seems to have misconceptions about true worship and worship experiences. They often reduce worship to singing by their communication, the way “worship” is used. Worship is seen as something we do on occasion - once a week, when we gather at work for the mandatory worship time. Top management, by ignoring other styles, seems to believe that there is a single style of worship which is correct for Christians.
And it seems like just about anyone can lead worship or be on the team: anyone that can play an instrument. Top management does not require a worship class or agreement to biblical principles concerning worship as a prerequisite for employees who desire to plan and lead worship experiences. So you end up with people who have different views/philosophies on the worship team. Unfortunately, many who lead do not take the time/effort to plan and lead worship experiences, to discern from songs that are better suited for individual or private worship from songs that are corporate or public worship, to discern songs that are controversial/questionable (have bad theology, weak theology), songs that are theologically ambiguous or songs that lean more towards “feminine” attributes. Most, if not all, of our modern “Christian” worship music is written at a simplistic level of understanding and comprehension. Most music tends to appeal to our emotions. Many songs appeal mostly to women. So there is a great need for teaching on the biblical principles concerning worship. Also a need to choose theologically balanced songs with music appropriate for the people. Unfortunately, many of the songs chosen are theologically incorrect (e.g., having elements from the Word Of Faith movement, New Apostolic Church, New Age). Songs are often not theologically balanced. Songs seem to be chosen for their emotional impact, to make employees feel good; many focus on just one aspect of God (e.g., love). Many promote self-centered worship.
Most of the worship leaders just sing the songs: They do not actually “lead” people into worship. They do not help people connect the lyrics of the song to where they are at in their personal life, to teach them something about God or help the people understand what this song means and what God wants them to get out of it, so they're not just singing songs and just doing, going through the motions or help them understand the depth and the richness of what lyrics mean and how it applies to their life. What matters to them seems to be whether songs are impactful, moving, and beautiful. (Whatever that means.) Whether songs make employees feel good. They don't seem to care whether the songs actually reflect truth: Do the lyrics line up with Scripture? Do the songs glorify self or God? How would new Christians or nonChristians interpret the song?
Theology is the study of God and it's very important doxology is an expression of praise to God so the point here is that all theologies should ultimately lead to doxology if theology doesn't lead to doxology then we've actually missed the point of theology so if you have theology without doxology you just have dead hold orthodoxy which is horrible. On the other side you have the people who say “forget about theology I just want to praise.” But if you have doxology without theology you actually have idolatry because it's just a random expression of praise but it's not actually informed by the truth of who God is so God is
concerned with both he's concerned with an accurate understanding of him and that accurate understanding of him leading to a response of praise adoration and worship towards him.
*Leadership quality:
Top management has more respect for donors and guests than their employees.
Management lacks basic core leadership principles/values:
Unfortunately, many employees are not given power or resources: Management just gives them the responsibility to get things done. Before responsibility is given, employees should be equipped: be empowered, have the authority, be given resources and have the experience. Employees are not empowered as individuals to solve their own problems using their own solutions. Micromanagement is often required every time the situation changes or problems arise. Employees are not inspired to act as leaders for themselves, delivering amazing performance without guidance. They have coaching sessions but only when there’s a problem. True coaching occurs regardless of whether the individual is crushing their goals or falling behind. Management does not seem to care about unlocking a person’s potential and getting the most of their performance. They seem only interested in producing more followers, not more leaders.
No method to hold management accountable to core values listed in their own Employee handbook. Employees are expected to abide by the procedures and rules described in the handbook but top management can choose to ignore it when it is convenient for them.
-Top management are NOT learners: No desire to develop and improve their skills.
-They do not ask employees: What’s one thing you see me doing—or failing to do—that you think I should change?
-They do not ask how they are doing as leaders. Or ask employees how they’re doing.
-They do not ask what employees need from management that they are not giving them.
-No performance evaluations for both management or non-managment.
-They often fail to emotionally connect with employees.
-They do not speak to employees' needs first.
-They do not focus on what they can put into people rather than what they can get out of them.
-They do not understand basic psychology, how people think and behave.
-They are often resistant to (and even hate) change: Perhaps because they fear losing control. In fact, new information, objective facts, research, stats, and even new ideas are often ignored in favor of what's easiest to do or because of tradition. If something has been done and “works”, top management does not see a reason to question it or to improve on it. If something was tried 5, 10, 20, even 50yrs before and failed, top management does not see a reason to try it again even if the exact circumstances have changed.
-They do not empower or give the means, the power or opportunity to do to employees.
-They do not trust others to follow through managing processes and performing tasks.
-They do not lead by example.
-They do not know when to move forward and when to back off, what to improve and how radical those improvements should be.
-They often fail to see options, and plan and prioritize.
-They fail to develop leaders around them.
-Their communication is often poor.
-Their listening is also poor: do not listen for more than facts, but also the feelings, meanings and undercurrents.
-They do not take the time to get to know the people they lead: no weekly check-ins which top organizations have to discuss how employees are doing professionally and personally. Management doesn't ask “what was good this week? What was not good this week? How is your well-being? How is your family?”
Competence in leadership skills is also poor.
-They are not teachable: not willing to keep learning, growing, improving in leadership and management practices: FCBH has a yearly “leadership” summit. But, the way it is set up, it reinforces weaknesses instead of challenging leadership growth.
The summit is also just for a select few in top management. Not every employee is seen as a leader so most employees are excluded.
Top managers attend the summit but there is no followup, no post accountability by other managers and especially by the employees that are under the managers. No discussion on how management will apply what was learned.
Some of the past speakers have had questionable characters and even questionable teachings (Judah Smith). Leadership qualifications and theological background seems to be ignored in favor of charismatics, dynamics, popularity.
-Top management does not take responsibility for their part of a disagreement or failure and apologize.
-They often embrace a victim mentality.
-They often limit yourself by your job title.
-They do not invest in better tools or processes.
-They are content with the status quo.
-They allow their past achievements to stagnate their desire to keep learning.
-There is a lack of discernment, finding the main cause of problems/issues.
-They do not anticipate problems.
-They do not accept the truth of the problem: Do not face up to the reality of the situation;
-They get bogged down in the details.
-They often avoid problems.
-They don’t deal well with problems.
-They do not have their team study all angles.
-They often do not value nontraditional thinking: Don’t embrace change, ambiguity and uncertainty well.
-They do not work well with differences.
-They do not have their own mentors or provide mentorship to others.
-They do not invest to improve their own professional or leadership skills.
-They are often insecure, constantly seek validation, acknowledgement and love.
-They limit employee's success and recognition:
-They do not seem interested in making people successful: Don’t attempt to remove barriers that prevent employees from being successful.

• They often feel threatened by accomplishments by employees who are not management:

If an employee who is not management has a great idea to improve the work, management often does not support it and may secretly try to shut it down.
When a team succeeds, management will not give other people credit and instead take the credit themselves.
It seems like some of the people working there were given the title of management, the position, and that alone made them qualified. Management or leaders assume that their position alone qualifies them to make critical decisions where they may not have the best data, insight, wisdom, skill, experience. Just because one may have the word “manger” in the job title, does not automatically make them a great leader. Leadership is about dealing with people, and the dynamics between those people, and influencing people.
*Dead end career path:
For the most part, top management assumes that team members are fine and "settled", rather than taking the time to understand their true feelings and needs. They do not ask employees where they are struggling, where they are having trouble, what frustrates them the most?
Management does not seem interested in making employees better both personally or professionally. They do not have a growth plan or professional development plan for employees. No job related training. They do not provide what is needed to help employees to grow and improve. They don't provide opportunities for employees to apply their talents and expertise. They don’t ask how they can better support employees. Employees don’t check on each other.
One is expected to work until health deteriorates and skills become obsolete so you leave in a worse place than you started. For most employees, there is no long term future with the organization. Management does not let employees know how they are doing and what the future looks like for them. What the opportunities are. They do not take the time to learn from employees what they want to be. No honest conversations to understand employees goals and ambitions. So, because there is no growth or development plan, no career path, once your skills are outdated, they will probably let you go or they will keep you in the same position and your salary will max out.
Management does not coach employees on how to manage their time, priorities, and energy; no teaching on how to problem solve, or make better decisions, or how to set boundaries or how to minimize context switching and zoom fatigue.

We hired a nanny about a year ago for our baby, who is now about 18 months old. While we found her on care.com, we didn’t actually “hire” her through there (just moved straight to contract over email). She was the second person (of 2) we talked to on the phone for screenings and we immediately loved her. She did a home test for a week and aced it, and we hired her. I called her two most recent references and they both gave glowing reviews (one continues to hire her on weekends; the other highlighted some issues they’d had but were able to correct and had actually tried to rehire her but our nanny didn’t want to continue working for them). We thought all was great.
Over the course of the year, she has been generally wonderful. She does put her foot in her mouth/make odd comments from time to time, and can get a bit too personal, but those have generally been our only complaints. We’ve spoken to her about this and she has gotten better, but still does slip up from time to time.
A few months ago, I happened to look up her profile on care.com out of curiosity, because she mentioned she still does odd jobs on weekends through there. I noticed she had a bad review (posted a month prior), where the person claimed my nanny ignored all special requests, watched tv too much and didn’t interact with the baby, and made inappropriate comments about the husband to the wife directly. When I saw this, I freaked out, but ultimately the only part that sounded true based on our experience with her was making inappropriate comments. I ended up asking her about it, and she said this review was from 8 months prior, she was never told about the special requests, but she did make a comment that the husband looked attractive in his wedding suit when looking at their wedding photos with the wife. I believed her (again based on my own experience) and confirmed she probably shouldn’t have said that and to take it as a learning opportunity to be more mindful of not putting her foot in her mouth.
The next day, she was suspended from care.com. My nanny told me this, I wasn’t aware myself because I hadn’t hired her directly through care.com. The timing was wild, I asked if she did anything (try to reach out to the wife, etc) but she says she didn’t. I’m not sure what to believe here.
We decided, based on how great she’s generally been, to move past it. However, a few days ago one of her references (who didn’t raise any negatives working with her and told me she still hires her on weekends) texted me and asked if I knew why she was suspended from care.com. I explained the above and that my best guess was this negative review somehow triggered a suspension, and asked her if she ever had negative experiences with our nanny. She mentioned that they actually were ghosting her because the last time my nanny went to help them out, she made inappropriate comments about the reference’s friends and called her son “slow” (as in has developmental issues, which he doesn’t), and as a result they don’t want to work with her again.
So now I’m not sure what to do. Again she seems so great with my baby, we’re pretty chill so the foot in mouth comments don’t bother us too much, but it seems like several other families have had bad experiences with her and it’s making me second guess everything. For example, she did once call my baby slow too, but I immediately corrected it and she hasn’t said it since. I hate that she did it, but I’m also prone to saying the wrong thing sometimes, so I’m trying to be understanding. But it’s making me so anxious that I’m ignoring red flags, and I can’t help but wonder if she was suspended for something else. We never ran an additional background check, so I’m thinking that’s the next step.
Appreciate any advice, thank you!
EDIT: I forgot to mention, about 6 months ago our nanny was so upset because she was kicked out of her friend group, allegedly because of something she was saying to her ex boyfriend via text that one of her friends saw and got upset about, which ultimately ended up with everyone in the group ghosting her. We thought nothing of it at the time (she’s in her 20s and mean girl behavior can happen anywhere) but in light of everything else it makes us question it all

As many people in North America did on Sunday, we celebrated Mother’s Day. We stayed in, my husband, daughter and stepson, and watched movies and had snacks. The day was pretty relaxed and comfortable. Syepson had to go back to his moms for supper, my husband took him late afternoon. Then my husband and I made a big family dinner and his parents and our oldest son and his girlfriend came to enjoy with us. Mother’s Day has always been a strange day for me. I’ve always said all I want is to have a chill day with my family and enjoy each others company. There has not been one single year that has happened. In the past, my oldest son was usually bent on ruining the day for me some how. He would do things like sleep all day, say he forgot or just not even acknowledge the event. It was really hurtful and my oldest daughter, now 18, used to hey so upset with him when he behaved this way.
So this year, I was hoping for a miracle. As I said, the day went well and the evening was set up to be really good too. Everyone was chatting and supper turned out amazing, no bickering or snippy remarks between my in laws, the kids all seemed to want to be around, it was kinda perfect.
Now, in our house we’ve always had the rule that if you didn’t cook you help clean up. Fairly standard practice from what I can’t tell, compared to other families we know. It’s never even been a question, just get to it and many hands make light work.
Apparently all the kids just forgot that was a thing. Everyone left, just walked by my husband who stepped up to do the washing and didn’t give it a second thought. I followed the kids out to the front street and did an exaggerated shrug, got their attention and told them I was disappointed they were just leaving everything for us. This was no small dinner, it took several days of prep to brine and smoke the delicious turkey we served. Even after chasing them out to object, they both just drove away. Since I had already confronted them together I decided to discuss my issue with each of them separately. Since my son is out in his own now, I wasn’t as hard on him.
But here’s the thing, my daughter lives here full time and does nothing at all to help anymore. She was often at work in the evenings or with her boyfriend, until just recently when she stared a 9-5, so she didn’t have supper at home often. Because of her schedule, I would bring her dinner every night she works, making sure she had at least one decent meal a day. I didn’t expect her to come home at 9 pm and clean up, only to help out when she’s home. Now she’s home for supper most nights but still doesn’t lift a finger without being asked. And the attitude when she does have to pitch in is atrocious.
Now back to Mother’s Day, when I confronted my daughter I told her I was disappointed in the both of them. I told her her behaviour has been selfish and that I need her to start participating around the house. She refused to come home to talk that night. Monday she texted me to tell me she was coming over after work. That put me off further, you don’t come over to your own house. Her language made me feel like she doesn’t appreciate the free and supportive roof over her head. When we talked Monday evening my disappointment turned into anger and hurt. This kid had the audacity to say that having to help with dishes is me treating her like staff.
I am beside myself in the massive failure I feel about that. She grew up in a divided family situation but has two sets of parents to lean on and grow from. Her stepmother is a control freak and as a result, my daughter didn’t have chores over there. I knew that but made my expectation clear about our home, from the start. I just feel so helpless in this situation. If anyone has any advice or reminiscence of their own teenzilla, I’d love to hear it.

This is me venting but am also curious to know what everyone's relationship is like with half-siblings. Here's my story. I'm sorry in advance for how long this is, along with the grammarun-ons. I'm trying to give the Reddit community as much context as I can dating as far back as my memory takes me.
I (F 28) have two younger biological sisters (identical twins, F 25). The three of us were born after my dad married my mom (arranged marriage) after he and his first wife got divorced.
I believe my dad's first marriage lasted about 10 years. They had two kids together (my half-siblings). My older brother and I have an 8-year age difference, and my older sister and I have a 10-year age difference. Growing up, they used to visit us a few times a year including summer break or alternating holidays. Sometimes they would visit during Thanksgiving, other times during Christmas.
We used to be pretty close (at least I thought), but the relationship has become increasingly strained through the years. I understand the fact that there are ALWAYS two sides to every story, but I believe that my dad was on the right side of things and the marriage ended because two people weren't compatible and got married too young. It's always unfortunate when there are kids involved, and I'm sure it was tough with my older siblings being impacted at a young age.
It started when our grandpa (my dad's dad) passed away in November 2015. My brother suddenly stopped talking to my dad/our family immediately for whatever reason. He was the only person that didn't come to my grandpa's funeral. I honestly think he was holding a grudge that he didn't find out immediately when my grandpa passed, but I can't be too sure. We've never addressed that directly.
Fast forward 8 months to July 2016, when my dad's side of the family had a reunion at a first cousin's wedding. The vibes from my brother were like nothing had happened, and then after the wedding weekend, he was back to being silent. When my grandma (dad's mom) passed away in June 2019 he didn't show up to the funeral then either. Granted I didn't, but not because I didn't want to. I was a poor grad student and couldn't afford an $800 ticket on short notice and didn't want to burden my parents to pay for me to fly back for a couple of days either on top of how busy they were with funeral arrangements.
My brother went about 5 years to not talk to my dad or any of us. Then, out of nowhere, he calls one day to announce that he's getting married. The wedding is set for October 2022. I think he was buttering up my dad and our family to come to the wedding, because he knew it would look bad if everyone asked where his dad was for his wedding, and it would reflect poorly on him. The communication in 2022 was pretty consistent leading up to the wedding, and my older siblings would call my dad almost every weekend knowing that they needed us to show up to the wedding.
My older sister (F 38) had a baby girl in July 2018. Our dad was thrilled, his oldest daughter made him a grandpa. But there is clear separation and favoritism there, as my niece only sees her mom's side of the family being in the same area in the DMV. For those who aren't familiar with DC/MD/VA, my older sister lives in Virginia, in Arlington, and her mom lives in Herndon. About a 30-minute drive from each other. My parents live across the country in Orange County, so visits are far and few in between for my dad and his grandchild. I live on the Maryland side, and the state line between Maryland and Virginia is roughly 30 min, depending on where you go and the time of day. Anyway, I don't even know if my niece knows that she has another grandpa, outside of what she knows about my sister's mom and stepdad, and my brother-in-law's parents, who split time between the US and Nepal. I feel so bad for my dad because that's his grandkid too and everyone deserves the joy of being involved in their grandkids lives. My dad has seen my niece several times but the relationship is pretty surface level. It's not her fault, she doesn't know him like she does my sister's mom and stepdad, plus it's a proximity thing living on opposite sides of the country. We have FaceTime for these reasons though.
My husband and I aren't ready to have kids yet, and we want them. We've only been married for almost 7 months so we're still trying to live life before we settle down. I hope nothing more than to be able to give my parents a grandkid one day because I want my dad and mom to experience what they missed from my older half-siblings isolating them from their kids. That is if I'm able to have kids, I know we can't control these things.
This brings me to my next point (if you're still reading this, I appreciate you). My husband and I got married in October 2023. Our parents on both sides did everything they could to give us the wedding of our dreams, and it was everything we imagined and hoped for, and I'm forever grateful for that. I know that my wedding hit my dad harder emotionally than the first two with my older siblings because he was not at all involved during theirs. That wasn't by choice, my older siblings' mom probably didn't want him to be involved. Divorced dynamics are so confusing. You're telling me you can't come together and be civilized for a day/weekend? After my wedding, a few months later, sometime in January or February 2024, my dad called me to talk about how my sister was upset after our wedding and she vented about a few things with him on the phone. He was relaying the message over.
For context, I uploaded our wedding pictures on Facebook, because I have so many family members overseas in Nepal who weren't able to attend the wedding, and it was honestly the most convenient way to showcase our pictures since people in Nepal are ridiculously active on Facebook. My sister has social media, my brother got rid of his TwitteFacebook/Instagram/everything many years ago. Our photographer took several thousand pictures throughout the wedding weekend events, and of course, there were moments captured of my older sister and her family, including my brother-in-law, and niece. I will admit out of spite since my sister never posts anything about me and my dad/family, I tagged but then later on deleted those pictures she was in. Why would I have pictures of her on my social media when she's never posted anything of us? She doesn't even like or comment on anything on my social media, and when you have siblings, this is not something you discuss, you just do it. Duh. Over the last few days, I unfollowed her and unfriended her on Facebook and Instagram. For me, it makes no sense to keep people on my newsfeed if I don't interact with them, and I have plenty of family members and friends that I already have a strongemore communicative relationship with.
If my sister was upset about this, why did she call my dad to vent about this months later instead of coming to me? My dad told me she complained that he didn't mention her or my older brother during his speech at our wedding. But am I wrong for thinking, why would he? It's a celebration for me and my husband. I thought that was very conceited and selfish. The day wasn't about her, and my dad's speech was so heartfelt that I cried. I believe she was offended she didn't get the same during hers. However, my sister and brother never asked our dad to give a toast at their weddings. Only their mom did, which is messed up in my opinion.
I understand divorce is messy and complicated, and people go through years of therapy to fix, or maybe even never fix issues completely. It's hard, and I'm just a product of his second marriage. But I've never understood the jealousy that seems to exist, specifically between my older sister and me.
I tried reaching out to both of them in a group iMessage, talking about how I am not happy with the way they're treating our dad. My brother has stopped calling my dad completely over the last few months since his son (my dad's second grandkid) was born a few months ago in February. My sister calls maybe once a month. I wanted to confront them about this ongoing behavior and ill will toward our family. They didn't even have the guts to respond to me, I suggested if they have time to FaceTime so we can have a real adult conversation about what is their issue. My parents are flying to DC this weekend and the original plan was to drive a few hours north so they could see my brother's baby. No communication with my brother whatsoever to coordinate. I feel devastatingly sad for my dad.
I'm not even going to get into their treatment of my mom. That's another long story, but basically, it's them not giving a hoot about her, even though she's the one who took care of them and stepped up when they visited growing up. As a stepmom, it's hard to deal with kids from a previous marriage. But she did it and she loves them, and they're nothing but passive-aggressive and mean to her. They never wish her happy birthday, happy Mother's Day, or my parents happy anniversary. It takes two seconds. For me, if you disrespect my parents, you're disrespecting me.
Since then, my sister has unfollowed and unfriended everyone on social media, including my dad, my younger sisters, and my husband. All because she couldn't handle that I did that to her. I'm just not for this nasty behavior, and I know we all need to unpack a lot in therapy (me and my older siblings specifically). Their behavior is cowardly, and I can't be the only one that thinks this, right? I don't know. It didn't have to be like this. I'm sure their mom has been telling them bad things about the marriage and my dad for years. I'm not saying he probably didn't make mistakes, but there are, once again, two sides to everyone's story. None of us kids have heard both sides directly from the source, and probably never will. It makes me sad, especially for my dad. I know life will go on. I tried to reach out, and if they don't want to talk about these issues like adults, then I have nothing else to say.

Hey everyone, I’m at crossroads, what do I do? (26F, Married for over 2 years, no kids)
I’m in the process of moving to my husband’s country- it’s not the best for me but it is better than where I currently live (Husband and I, live in a third country). We have a lot of issues, emotional unavailability, mama’s boy,psychological abuse, mental abuse- you name it. He says he doesn’t need me, would replace me if something were to happen with me or we divorce, is unhinged, I also feel like he hasn’t divorced yet because he is preparing himself up for life after divorce and would do so once he is ready or maybe he just likes this relationship dynamic. The emotional and mental stress is taking a toll on my physical health.
I don’t think I love him anymore, I don’t feel loved either but I am scared to leave. More like I’m scared of life after divorce.
I don’t want to go back to my Home country as it isn’t safe and neither do I have some place or somebody to go to.
I’m educated and work together on his business. If I leave, I’ll probably have to part ways with the business as well and can’t really find something suitable where we live and immigration is fairly difficult.
I crave for intimacy, love and connection. I also would like to have children.
What do I do? Should I try to build myself up for life after divorce and then leave? I tried, it’s hard to focus on my life when there’s constant stress. Will I regret not leaving earlier? Will I regret not having kids and would find it difficult to have kids later? How do I manage if I leave now? What do I do? Where do I go?
Please help <3
TL;DR; : In an emotionally abusive marriage, should I leave or stay? What steps do I take to either stay or leave?

I upgraded my husband's dart frog build and used the old 18x18x18 to create this. I didn't have anything in mind as far as a pet to keep in it, and just sort of went with my vision. I'd prefer to keep as is and not change it because I just love it. I thought of fire bellied toads, but I dont think this is enough water. There is a submersible filter and a waterfall effect that you can't really see in the back right corner. Tank also has a drain under the false bottom so emptying and replenishing water isnt a problem either. Any ideas about what I could keep in this setup would be appreciated.

If you were in a relationship with someone, broke up with them/got broken up with &then got back together, how did all that process go? How do you get along now? Did anything change?
Im asking because I just kind of broke up with my bf. Long story. I am debating whether or not, after some time, it would be worth considering giving him another chance. His behaviour and habits determined me to do it and I don't know if he would be capable of change. I see a lot of good qualities in him, qualities that I am looking for in a husband, but he would have to really make an effort to be more mature (he's 29 and me 23) in order for me to take him back. There's been periods where he was very nice and not a lot of fighting, but also the opposite, mostly caused by his insecurities and attachment style. So I'm asking. Is 2-3 weeks enough for a person to get really scared they might lose you for good and start making changes so you can be better together?
Theres been some recurring issues in our relationship, not to call myself a saint, but most of our fights occured because of his insecurities, weird behavior, putting the blame on me when it was not the case and attachment style. If I do remember correctly, when we did the attachment style his was avoidant and mine secure.
I am pretty good friends with his mom and when I saw her the other day she asked me how I was doing and told me a few things I didn't know many details about when it comes to his behaviour. Basically, the putting the blame on others has always been there, the anger issues, recurring theme.
I took the decision of breaking up/taking a break( i don't even know how to consider it tbh, my thoughts are all mushed up still) because there's been times where he proved he can be very disrespectful towards me and his family, basically taking everyone for granted.
I spoke to my friends, gave them much more details then I'm going to post here (bc privacy). 2 of them told me I shouldn't waste any more of my time with him if in 1 year and a half I haven't seen much progress from him or if I think we're only kind of compatible. Makes sense, and their advice meant a lot, helped me organise my thoughts a bit. Another friend gave me different advice, to give the relationship space so he can understand what he did was wrong and he can't keep getting away with bs and taking me for granted.
Ill answer questions as I receive them bc I can't think properly now, too much info that I can't put into words.. haven't slept in a week so please try and be civil, I would love to hear both sides- people who broke up, got back together, nothing changed, broke up again AND people who broke up, got back together, the relationship changed for the better.
Thank you for reading and again, excuse my chaotic post!

1. Around 8 years old, I dressed up in a ballet outfit with my sister and her next-door neighbour girlfriend. Pictures included (thanks, mom).
   
2. Around 10 years old, I prayed every single night for God (sad tears included) to make me a woman. I was developing "breasts," even though the rest of my body was slim. I started to see myself as "different " than the rest of my friends. I grew up in a predominantly female-led household and saw the world through a sensitive, soft lense. I was becoming the caregiver, maternal role in my friendship circle.
   
3. Around the age of 12, I used to play "bum doctor" with best friend (involved pulling down pants and bending over, while the other pretended to give a needle). I found myself initiating this game a good deal more than him. At this age, there was still a young naivete to this, and I wasn't aware it was "strange."
   
4. Around age 14, "on a dare," I dressed up with (a different) best friends mother's clothing. His mother was away at work, we hand-picked items, right down to the underwear, and got changed together in the bathroom. I changed behind the shower curtain as I was too shy and very embarrassed how my breasts completely filled out the (lactating) bra.
   
5. Around this time, I started to experiment with dressing up in my mother's nighties, as well as both of my sisters clothes. There were little pockets of free time to do this, and everything just felt "right"; like all the dots connected.
   
6. Around age 16, I started getting into porn. I was a late developer, as far as sex drive goes. Started off as regular guy/girl porn, then I quickly became interested in the "anal" category. I found myself very turned on by the cock scenes, but not the rest of the male body. I was attracted to the female body, but in a way that I wanted to "be" the female. The idea of making love to a man put my stomach into knots.
   
7. This "kink" grew and grew, unbeknownst to my family and friends. I was a very late developer, and all my friends had girlfriend's around this time.
   
8. I discovered my sisters had toys, and became rather infatuated with them (insert shameful secrets). The idea of being in a submissive role, the idea of a "male" becoming the one who receives - rather than gives, ignited a very deep switch in my brain. It just felt right, natural.
   
9. I started to become brave enough to buy porn DVD's from the local convenience store - but was very embarrassed, as the same owner basically watched me grow up from a kid to this point. I started to buy exclusively DVD's that featured anal. Finally, it took everything in me to one day buy a trans DVD, and I made a pathetically awkward excuse to the owner of how I was buying it as a joke birthday present for my friend. Oh, the shame.
   
10. I started watching the DVD's, imagining myself as the trans women, and essentially worshipping cock, worshipping men. I had little "sexual" desire at this point to be a male role with any future girlfriends. Still, the idea of men's abs, lips, thighs, arms, butt, etc still turned my stomach into knots. Although, in the very very back of my mind, I think I was starting to consider it.
    
11. I discovered Marijuana and beer around the age of 18, and would cut loose at my friends house (the same friend that I tried his mother's clothes on). He would occasionally put on porn (on mute) later into the evening, and meanwhile we were listening to music / playing guitar, etc. I started to sexually become interested in him. It was slways kind of there, but now with the porn playing, and being able to feel those feelings at the same time, I became sort of turned on by him. More so the idea of getting high and then becoming his submissive plaything. There were moments where iI could tell he was imagining the same, but - spoler alert - I never did (as i was way too shy to pursue it) but that only made the infatuation to be a submissive plaything for men even stronger.
    
12. I started talking to a girl online, and after almost four years of talking and developing a friendship, we decided to meet. I was 23 years old at this point. Fast forward, I became her boyfriend and when we were camping, she had just started showing signs of spotting (on her period), so we were just playing around - I was very nervous, especially because i was expected to be the dominant one. Next thing I knew, I had lost my virginity to her. But here's the kicker - it was from anal.
    
13. Curiosity got the best of me, and I started to seek out the validation and attention from men online. I accidentally left my browser open one night, and she saw everything. There was a big blow up, and she was calling me gay. We were both living at my parents' house at the time, and I'm pretty sure they must have overheard it. We made amends, and I confessed to her that I think I was bi and just needed to understand better. We played around with a strap-on quite often, and I also discovered chastity. Chastity became something of an excuse to not have to be the dominant one. I honestly felt more natural being the one receiving anal vs. penetrating a woman. We ended up mutually breaking up when I was 28. We are still best friends to this day.
    
14. I started to think of the man's body, beyond just his penis. I don't know if it was just due to exposure in films, but the right kind of stomach (slightly hairy, soft, but strong "dad" abs) as well as strong hands and forearms started to turn me on. When I would see older men in real life with any of these attributes, a switch went off in my head and I realized that I was turned on by them, and would start to imagine more than just sucking his cock, or receiving anal. I would imagine first kissing his stomach as a show of affection or adoration before taking him into my mouth. I was starting to imagine holding onto his strong arms and pulling his body closer, deeper into me. Maybe softly kissing his fingers, even playfully biting them.
    
15. I use reddit now, as a means to try and find Mr. Right. It is sort of an unwritten understanding with my partner now that I "explore" myself on reddit, but I don't share any of the details. Perhaps there will come a stage where I'm more open about it.
    
16. Sometimes, I can imagine myself in a gay relationship, but there would be very specific parameters - I would be the submissive one. I would be expected to present as femme as often as possible. I would be the stereotypical "housewife" (cooking, baking, cleaning, being sexually ready at all times, nurturing the husband). Ideally, I would be in chastity 24/7, or have complete disregard toward my penis until it just learns to remain soft on its own (maybe still getting nocturnal emmisions at night). The idea of worshipping and submitting to his body gives me butterflies. And this is a BIG one --- if he knows how to treat me and our chemistry is right, I would maybe even allow him to kiss me.
    
17. As far as porn goes, I now watch different genres for different purposes. Lesbian porn: Imagining myself as one of the "girls" and the other girl is just like me. Genetically born a male, but identifies strongly as a "girl". I imagine that we are playing while Daddy is away or that we're just playing for his amusement. He never let's us orgasm unless he tells us to, and he makes sure that there is a strong, imprinting, humiliating aspect to our orgasms - so that each time, we go deeper into our roles and can no longer deny who we are. Trans porn: obviously imagining myself as the trans pornstar, being taken forcefully by a real man. Having no Fouts about my sexuality. Hypno porn: This pushes me past any of my self-doubt and encourages me to not only drop my defenses but also to accept my fate. Everything I fear, I learn to entertain and even embrace when I'm watching the right kind of hypno porn. Finally gay porn: if I have refrained from cumming for over two months, then my mind really goes to that "desperate" place. Ideally, one man is the Dom, and is masculine, but cute. Not the kind of man who "acts" manly, but just naturally is - confident, smart, strong, manipulative. The other male is the more femme type, but not overly. Still a male (not trans) - soft, gentle, body made to receive, ass is more like a pussy, no hesitation to kiss, to play with his own soft cock, to suck his own fingers while looking at his Daddy in the eyes, gripping onto his Daddys hips, pulling him closer, moaning his name, fully accepting his place.
    

Going forward: I would love to have both a female and male partner. Essentially, to be a cuck to my wife, and only allowed to please her with my mouth - never with my penis (unless after an instructed orgasm, knowing that I'd be too soft to be able to penetrate her). I would only be able to make love to him, and my wife would enjoy watching, and would taunt me, encouraging me to go deeper each time. I would sleep with her each night, wearing something soft and silky, and we may kiss or fondle, or she may get me to eat her out (even if Daddy's cum is inside her still). Some nights she would either sneak off into Daddy's bedroom to sleep with him, or just openly sleep there, leaving me in bed alone some nights. I would hear them making love, but I would be locked in chastity, unable to cum. I'm encouraged at all times to play with my ass (aka my pussy) with either my fingers, a dildo or butt plug, so as to keep me constantly ready and make sure I'm always aroused - and aware of feeling empty if something isn't inside of me at any given time.
I want to be in a safe, loving, encouraging and open relationship where everyone is happy and their needs are met. I'm not sure if I'd classify myself as bi or gay. Definitely not straight. The idea of exploring these limits are what gives me life.