Am I turning?
I am only tipping at a sit down restaurant, or service. (Moved back to paying cash)
I want a straw with my drink, except hot ones.
I want a physical copy of the menu at my table
I have started reading the circular at the grocery store.
Road rage at people who do the speed limit.
Not all social programs sound like a good idea anymore.
Please send help. What is the cure?

Hei, jeg kjenner ikke byen, men er med på å stelle i stand et lite og enkelt utdrikningslag der vi ønsker å spise og drikke i ca. 3 timer på ettermiddag/tidlig kveld på en restaurant i sentrumsområdet, før vi drar videre. Vi er rundt 10 stykker. Er det noen som kan foreslå et trivelig sted med god mat, som passer til dette formålet? Det er et pluss om det er mulig å sitte litt for oss selv, eller i det minste et sted som ikke er helt tettpakket og høylytt. Og gjerne noe som er litt rimelig, vi ønsker ikke nødvendigvis noe avansert, det kan være pizza for den saks skyld. Takker for alle forslag og innspill 🙏

Hello! Thanks for reading. I'm a 32-year old woman, currently living in the East Bay in California (Oakland/Berkeley area). While I really enjoy it here, I am living in a shitty apartment and would like to try out some other areas where $1800 could go further than a 1-bedroom slumlord apartment. I work remotely, so I'm pretty flexible location-wise.
I am also pretty COVID-cautious, which I mention for weather reasons. I'd like to find a place where I won't be forced into indoor-only socializing for 6 months out of the year. I currently go on a lot of walks and park hangouts with friends, as well as outdoor dining. Basically just trying to avoid a place where I'd be hibernating due to freezing and/or super super hot heat for months at a time, or where most/all of the social activities occur indoors. I'm fine with a few weeks on end of rain/heat/etc. And, it would be nice to be somewhere where I won't be heckled for masking at a grocery store, haha.
What I like about the bay area:

• good weather year round
• tolerance of masking/covid safety
• outdoor activities/camping/hiking
• good food options and decent groceries

I'm looking for:

• lower cost of living than the bay (i know, it's most places...)
• relatively decent weather year-round or most of the year, or a place with infrastructure for rain (ie heated/covered patios at restaurants that are still outdoors)
• tolerance of masking in public
• good grocery stores
• reasonable access to nature (not more than an hour drive)
• sizable queer community (not teensy!)
• higher likelihood of a yard with an apartment/house
• reasonably friendly people
• not a HUGE city but not like a one horse town

I'm considering:

• Albequerque or somewhere in NM?
• Somewhere in AZ (but not Phoenix, too urban-sprawly and conservative for me personally)
• North Carolina (Durham, Raleigh, Asheville??)
• Portland, OR

I'm from TN originally and considered moving back to be closer to my family, but am honestly concerned about navigating COVID there, and it seems to have become more conservative in the last 6 years while I've been away. That being said, I'm okay with an area that's not super liberal, but just don't want to get stuck in a very close-minded area.
Pretty please let me know what your suggestions are -- specifically a city name. I'm apartment searching and am just feeling VERY disheartened by the $2200 one bedroom apartments.
Thanks!

Joking aside, are there any hot spots for late 20’s in/near Kerry? I’m looking for recs for Dublin (one night) and then I’ll be spending a week in Dingle/Waterville. Any recs for places to meet people would be great! (Restaurants, pubs, daytime places)
Cheers!

Joking aside, are there any hot spots for late 20’s in/near Kerry? I’m looking for recs for Dublin (one night) and then I’ll be spending a week in Dingle/Waterville. Any recs for places to meet people would be great! (Restaurants, pubs, daytime places)
Cheers!

Joking aside, are there any hot spots for late 20’s in/near Kerry? I’m looking for recs for Dublin (one night) and then I’ll be spending a week in Dingle/Waterville. Any recs for places to meet people would be great! (Restaurants, pubs, daytime places)
Cheers!

Quick and Dirty: So long as you get Pep Talk by completing the first four dream quests, AND install Ye Olde Chemicker on Plunkett Street, you can get 15/15/15 on day 6 and beat the Ocean City Boardwalk games (Dream Cat not required). The rough outline: You get +2/+2/+2 from Ocean City perks and Charlestown State Pen perks, +1/+1/+1 from any number of hat and pants combos, +1/+1/+1 from the Monster Club sash, +1/+1/+1 from a Noble Elixir from Ye Olde Chemicker, +1/+1/+1 from the devil's food cake (throw a hot link down the H***hole), +1/+1/+1 from your choice of liquor and your bonus from the electrified orb, +1/+1/+1 from your Pep Talk perk and choice of cat, +1 to Moxie from a new set of teeth, +1 to Muscle from Chiropractic, +1 to mysticality from the statue of you, +1/+1/+1 from losing and getting Angry, Contemplative, and Aloof effects.
Beating the Ocean City Boardwalk games requires a minimum of 15/15/15 Mus/Mys/Mox stats. This is missable--it is possible to lock yourself out of being able to achieve such high stats. However, there are multiple ways to get your M-stats this high, meaning even if you miss one route to 15/15/15, another is likely still open. I wanted to make a quick guide about not only how to purely maximize stats, but the different options available to get yourself to 15/15/15.

Always Possible Stat Boosts

On any save file, 13/13/13 should be achievable. Here's how:

• +1/+1/+1 from Basic Humanity
• +4/+4/+4 from Skill Upgrades
• +1 Muscle from "St. Polycarp's Forehead" perk (St. Polycarp's Cathedral quest)
• +1 Mysticality from "Skeptical" perk (pay for a tarot reading three times at Ocean City Boardwalk)
• +1 Moxie from "Expert Sitter" perk (Marvin's quest)

Those, which I assume most folks who made it through chapter 1 know about, bring you to 6/6/6. Potions, alcohol, and food will also easily net you +1, +1, +2 to your choice of stats (you can get higher boosts from food and potions, but they are unique and/or missable), bringing you to around 7/8/7. Then:

• +1/+1/+1 from wearing the completed Monster Club sash accessory (complete all Monster Shack quests). To my knowledge, it is impossible to lock yourself out of this quest.
• +1 Moxie from the "Perfect Teeth" perk (the dentist at the Maize Maze in Gray County)
• +1/+1/+1 from giving prisoners Chiropractor gift certificates (Charlestown State Pen in Government Valley)
• +1 Muscle from the "Well Adjusted" effect using the same gift certificate for yourself

This brings us to 10/10/10. To get to 13/13/13:

• A hat and pants combo can get you +1/+1/+1 any playthrough. The intimidating Stetson from Haim Quarry in The Big Moist with S.I.T. kitchen britches from the S.I.T. gift shop) is the earliest available combo, but you can also combine any puckwudgie hat from Gray County with the corresponding S.I.T. pants from the S.I.T. gift shop). There's also the glorious tiara from the Wreck of the Longerfellow, which is difficult to reach.
• The electrical orb on your bookshelf from Radio Shack in The Big Moist grants +1 to your class' main stat when you touch it.
• The statue of you from Puckwudgie Village and one of the three M-stat cats (not counting the dream cat) can grant you +1 to an additional 2 M-stats
• Finally: Losing battles (NOT surrendering!) will grant you Angry), Contemplative, and Aloof effects for an additional +1/+1/+1.

So, this will get you to +13/+13/+13 fairly hassle free. But that still leaves us 6 points shy of victory. Thankfully, there are myriad ways to reach that final number (and beyond)

Bridging the final +6 gap

All of the following is content you can lock yourself out of, sometimes pretty easily, sometimes pretty early in the game. The good news is, there are so many options, it's likely a path to 15/15/15 still exists on your save file unless you've reached the very late game and aren't lucky.

Dreams

You can get an additional +4 from Dream-related events.

• The Dream Cat from the Prologue grants +1/+1/+1, for an additional +2 M-stats compared with the other M-stat cats. They are very missable, and you can permanently lose their boon if you pet another cat on Chapter 6, as you will not go to sleep again.
• You must complete quests in your first four dreams to get the perk Pep talk, granting +1 to 2 of your 3 M-stats. You choose the M-stats by picking which statue to silence in Yet Another Fitful Dream.

Clothing

• The giant maggot hat, which comes from helping the miners and NOT working with Frogger at Haim Quarry, gives +1/+1/+1 for an additional +1 M-stat.
• Weathered Jeans can be bought from Advanced Pants on Day 4 if you choose it as an additional shop on Plunkett street. It grants +1 Muscle and +1 Moxie, and is the only pair of pants to provide +1 to more than 1 M-stat, for an additional +1 overall. You will only install 5 of the 9 possible stores on Plunkett street during a playthrough, making it easy to miss this shop.

This makes for a maximal +2 from better clothes.

Food

There are a number of food options to grant more than +1 to your M-stats, granting a maximal additional +2 to your M-stats overall.

• Any food starting with H can be thrown in The H***hole in Gray County to make devil's food cake, for +1/+1/+1. Of particular interest are hot links, which can be crafted at arcane ovens from the infinitely abundant phlogistic resin. This is always available in any save file, but easily missed.
• The Dauphin House) in The Big Moist contains a Can of Fruit Cocktail for +1/+1/+1. This item is unique.
• Fruit Advertisements can be gotten from Junk Mail once you've gotten the letter opener on day 6. They give +1/+1/+1 when eaten.
• Fish sandwiches can be bought from Fission Chips or The Underground Restaurant) for +1 to 2 M-stats of your choice (suboptimal, but available starting day 3)
• Finally, picking Botany as a major opens up 2 interesting options for an additional (suboptimal) +1 to your M-stats: You can make a questionable salad at Professor Kalos' Holiday Home which grants +1 to Muscle and Mysticality when eaten, AND you can wander at S.I.T. with Barker to find Odd Fruit for +1 to Muscle and Moxie.

Potions

Potion options are comparatively limited, but can grant an additional +2.

• The Noble Exlixir (+1/+1/+1) will be sold at Ye Olde Chemicker if you install it on Plunkett Street, but ONLY on day 6. You will only install 5 of the 9 possible stores on Plunkett street during a playthrough, making it easy to miss this shop.
• If you take the Chemicals major at S.I.T., you can get Professor Adams as a companion. Talking to him at Ye Olde Chemicker will give you 3 of Professor Adams' special potions for +1/+1/+1. This can only be done once, but can get you +1/+1/+1 potions before day 6.
• Without Ye Olde Chemicker, you can find radium rouge at the Dauphin House in The Big Moist for +1 to Mysticality and Moxie (suboptimal). This item is unique.

Other

There are a couple unique effects that you can use which will last 1 day only

• At The Old Junkyard at Crystaldream lake, there's a tub you can soak in for +1/+1/+1 for the rest of the day. This is a one day only effect; you can only soak once and will not be able to soak any other day. Optimal to soak on day 6.
• Similarly, in Gray County, you can encounter a blob of crude oil surrounded by electrified shale spires. If you choose the option "Harness the Lightning [7 Mysticality] you get +1 Mysticality from the Fossil Fueled effect for the rest of the day. This option can only be chosen once; the event can occur many times, but once you choose to harness lightning, it will never happen again (optimal to do so on day 6).
• Finally, the exploit: You can get +3/+3/+3 if you choose spiders as an elective at S.I.T. I don't recommend it, but it's there.

Bonus Guide to Liquors

-Tequila grants +1 to Muscle and Mysticality and can be found in the Mob Submarine in The Big Moist, but only if you accept the Mob's offer on day 2. - Whiskey grants +1 to Muscle and Moxie and can be found in the Moonshiner's Cave in The Big Moist. - Absinthe grants +1 to Mysticality and Moxie and is found in Rufus' Lab) at S.I.T.
Shoutout to this previous post by u/Mr_Lisreal, which already covers most of what's in this post. My motivation behind making this was primarily that the wiki does not do a good job of displaying potion effects in a browsable way, and it wasn't clear to me if it was possible to completely box yourself out of being able to complete the boardwalk games (to my eye it appears possible, but uncommon). I also wanted a guide out there for freaks like me who enjoy petting cats, and therefore don't want to lean on the dream cat boon because it deprives you of the joy of petting all the other cats in the game.

29M - USA - 2.5 Months
One concern that I had with the idea of SR when I first began contemplating the topic was that once "charged up" I would begin to behave foolishly concerning my dating prospects, and that the buildup of sexual energy would cause me to simp after women more heavily than if I was depleted, where I perceived I would be able to "play it cool" with girls. This was certainly the case to a significant extent during my initial streaks, and these types of outcomes were an impediment for me to realizing the advantages of SR in my early twenties.
The reason this was initially an issue for me is that the beginning of the beginning, as in, before any streaks longer than a month were accomplished my brain was highly sexualized causing me to behave in a deranged way once the buildup began. This still occurs, and is why in my opinion SR can be detrimental to a successful dating life because it oftentimes pedestalizes the act of sex, which can create a loop of Oxytocin deficiency which I believe is what causes people to enter their 'loner' phase.
I believe the cure for this is to break through successfully in personal endeavors unrelated to sex, which creates positive dopamine associated with elements outside of scoring with the opposite gender. My current realization is that before you're able to see improvements in behavior, there's going to be a dip and your behavior is actually going to get worse in many cases. This is of course referred to as a flatline, the longer you're able to go without O, the less extended flatlines will become with each subsequent streak. I also believe in the elasticity of streaks, for several years ago when I first began this journey I accomplished a 5 month streak, and my overall demeanor became pretty negative. That first 5 month streak was probably the most depressive period of my life, but it was a culmination of reaping what I had sewed for upwards of 10 years prior to that. Therefore, I can't blame the streak itself for this depressive time.
However, it did create some antisocial behaviors that I'm still unlearning and that I didn't have an issue with as much prior to that great streak. For one thing, my internet behavior became far more anonymous, and to this day my social media habits have shifted from representing my real identity through instagram/facebook, to browsing anonymously through reddit, youtube. This shift I believe created a psychological dissociation from my real world social media profiles, and now I have a l higher evel of anxiety about going on Instagram as myself that I consider to be an impediment. Of course, Social Media is generally considered harmful overall, but if the reason I'm not going on it is because of an anxiety, I consider that just as harmful. So that's something I'm working on.
When one goes 'monk mode' for too long, one may begin to cultivate the desire to begin forming attachments to girls again in the future, but find it more challenging to ride that bicycle compared to if they had not allowed the muscle of PUA to atrophy. That being said, re-integrating socially is definitely possible after a long SR streak, and in doing so you'll still possess any SR benefits that you cultivated during a lonersome period. Overall, I'd say the effort to change behaviors and re-invent yourself is more valuable than the loss of social calibration that can occur. I'm speaking on this topic from the experience of being unemployed for 8 months and then being thrust back into a job that required a high volume of person-to-person interactions.
Benefits on this streak:

• Found a new better higher paying job. I've been barbacking at a prominent restaurant for the last 4 months but I finally received a bartending offer at a different quality downtown establishment. I'm using all these adjectives because many restaurants are trash to bartend at, but the new spot is a place I am actually blessed to be working at.
  
• Reconnected with a childhood friend. They're doing quite well in their career and the wellness gained from my SR streak definitely leveled any psychological issues this would have otherwise caused between our friendship.
  
• Polarization with coworkers. Even though I'm sometimes overly aggressive / moody at work, SR positions me to be the person people are talking about rather than a sideline gossiper (this could be in my head, I'm not sure).
  
• Overall sense of optimism and deeper sense of purpose, even if that purpose is struggling to find an outlet.
  
• Physical: muscle growth, low body fat, Improvement in muscle tone, I'm lean af, my hairline is rock solid, teeth haven't been in pain once.
  
• Attraction from females at work, one extremely hot girl put her face right by mine the other day and told her friend who I knew from high school 'yep this guy is good vibes'. Still not cold approaching people outside of work as much as I would like, but people can tell I've got an energy to me
  
• This one girl at work hit me with a pullback and I've overall been handling it like a boss, even though these situations cause a greater sense of despair when on a decent streak, I've gained increased resilience to rejection and have maintained a strong demeanor, and I'm slowly become better at 'spinning plates' than I otherwise would be.
  
• This other girl at work has defended me in multiple instances and generally been supportive of my turbulent period of SR and in over-pursuing this other girl. This bartender was giving me a hard time and I eventually told her to 'chill tf out', she informed the manager. The other girl fist bumped me after she heard about it, and more recently when a manager snapped at me, she later defended me and said she "got my back".
  
• Haven't checked my T levels but I would estimate they have likely doubled based off how I feel.
  
• Resting chad face, the first physical changes that come with longer-term consistent streaks of at least a month over 2 years have certainly caused my jawline to improve and my face to widen. Natural 'mewing'
  
• Disassociation from past identity and sense of self. SR lets me feel that real change is possible. This sometimes manifests as a decrease in tasks/side hustles pursued in a day, but that is because I am consolidated and more conscious of avoiding spreading myself thin in too many directions, the way I would do in the past.
  
• Become capable of saying 'I love you' to my parents, something that we were never able to do for years. Overcame certain mental blocks.
  
• Decreased programming from YouTube & Social Media, I've found myself questioning some of the self-improvement content / general content I consume more than I probably would otherwise. Without SR, I would just be using this type of content to cope & clinging to every word. Greater critical thinking skills & self awareness.
  

The only downsides I've seen are that I have increased cravings for weed, although I've been able to take upwards of 5 days - 2 weeks at a time off. The issue is that with SR I'm able to handle THC and still function in a way I simply wouldn't be able to if I wasn't on a decent streak. I Haven't been as successful with quitting weed as I have with SR yet because I've been dreading the dip in performance that comes with quitting any substance, but I still do find the therapeutic benefits of use to be a silver lining and I feel the discipline I'm cultivating with SR will allow me to effectively quit in the future.
So far, this streak I've been mainly focused on interpersonal dynamics, but today for the first time in a while I was able to go deeper into my own world once again. I grabbed that bull by the horns & wrote this post, and focused on a side hustle.

Nestled along the glistening shores of the Atlantic Ocean, Pompano Beach offers a tranquil escape for those seeking a perfect blend of sun, sand, and sea. With its pristine coastline and vibrant atmosphere, Pompano Beach is a coveted destination for travelers and locals alike. And what better way to immerse yourself in the beauty of this coastal gem than by indulging in a Pompano Beach waterfront rental?
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Ultimate Relaxation
Escape the hustle and bustle of everyday life as you unwind in your own private oasis. Pompano Beach waterfront rentals provide the perfect setting for relaxation, allowing you to bask in the warmth of the sun, take leisurely strolls along the shore, or simply lounge on your balcony while admiring the panoramic ocean views. With amenities such as private pools, hot tubs, and spacious sundecks, you'll find everything you need to rejuvenate body and soul.
Endless Recreation
From water sports enthusiasts to leisure seekers, Pompano Beach offers a myriad of activities to suit every taste. Dive into the crystal-clear waters for a snorkeling adventure, try your hand at paddleboarding, or embark on a thrilling deep-sea fishing excursion. For those who prefer to stay on land, explore the scenic beachfront promenade, tee off at world-class golf courses, or discover the vibrant dining and entertainment scene just steps away from your rental.
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Beyond its natural beauty, Pompano Beach boasts a rich cultural heritage and a welcoming community spirit. Take a stroll through historic downtown, where charming boutiques, art galleries, and local eateries line the streets. Indulge in fresh seafood delicacies at waterfront restaurants, or sample authentic flavors at family-owned cafes. With its laid-back vibe and friendly locals, Pompano Beach invites you to experience the true essence of coastal living.
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Hi all!
My partner and I were looking into visiting Lake George for her birthday around the 3rd week of July and were looking for some recommendations for things to do, hotels/B&B/Ect and food recommendations.
For activities, I was seeing things like hot air balloon rides and boat tours and was wondering if anyone has any positive experiences with them? I see there's also a foodie festival but how about some nice restaurants as well?
I found some hotels that were definitely reasonably priced, but same as above, I would love to hear some recommendations/past experiences others have had around that time of year.
Thank you all for any and all responses :)

We had a hot sauce festival on Saturday. They blocked off a few streets and a bunch of vendors and restaurants showed up to share and sell their hot sauce. I went to try everything out and stock up on locally made stuff. I was about halfway down the street when this boomer lady asked me if she could take my picture. I was wearing a button up with hot sauce bottles and peppers on it, a local brewery hat, and had a bag full of sauces and swag I'd bought so I thought she might be part of the event and said yes. She took a few pics on her cellphone and before I could move on to the next stand she asked what church I went to. I told her I don't and she got upset and said something along the lines of "but you seem like such a nice young man". I said I don't and to have a nice day and went to the next stand to try their sauces. She followed me over and kept bugging me about why I don't go to church and didn't I know jesus loves me and I need something or other. I told her to leave me alone and tried to walk away but she kept following me until I told her very loudly to fuck off and leave me alone. Then she yelled at me for swearing at her. I had to duck between 2 stands and into a crowded bar to loose her because she tried to keep following me. I don't understand why she thought it was any of her business or what gave her the right to keep harassing me but it was pretty crazy. I hung out there for a while before heading back out to keep tasting but I had to keep looking over my shoulder in case she was still around and spotted me. Thankfully she must have left and I got back to enjoying my Saturday.

So I’m originally from Boston and now I’m currently in an unnamed European country working at an unnamed 3 Michelin star restaurant as an intern for 3 months.
I just finished my first month here and I I’ve noticed I haven’t been doing as well as the other 10 interns that arrived at the same time as me. After my technical skills were observed the first week I was the only intern placed in any of the hot stations (entremetier) which I took as a compliment because the rest of the interns were in the cold kitchen or the basement. During my time on entremetier station I had thought I did a pretty decent job, no major fuckups, I picked up slack for people falling behind, I was pretty efficient with my prep list and tasks during service. I also try to be the first one there and the last to leave every day for our 16 hour shifts.
Anyways, the issues comes to this week where a new intern replaced me on entremetier and I was sent back cold kitchen. I hadn’t learned any of the prep or tasks or locations for things and cold kitchen and look completely lost there. I try to politely ask where things are but normally whoever I’m asking gets annoyed and I’m frankly a little nervous to ask questions. Now aside from very basic prep jobs and a little bit of plating I spend most of the day, washing dishes, vacuum sealing things, power washing cutting boards, and squeezing citrus.
Im here asking for advice because I don’t know if there’s something I could do to gain some responsibility again or be looked on favorably by the other employees. I don’t even know to be honest I just wanted my feelings out there.
Backround on me: 19 years old Went to CIA and JWU Main goal in the industry are to further sustainable practices in fine dining
Update: It’s also worth noting that I was the only intern who was moved stations

Hello, I'm visiting on the long weekend with my kids. We have lots of family stuff to do but i was hoping to take them to see the witches hut in Kildonan park but it still says it's closed (it says it opens mid May but nothing more specific on the website). Does anyone know when it will open?
Any other hot tips for a visitor who hasn't been there since covid? New restaurants we might like (family friendly or not), experiences on the long weekend? Thanks in advance!

Orlando Magic 2024 Off Season Guide

2024 Results

Record: 47-35 (1st in division, 5th in conference)
Playoffs: Defeated by Cleveland 4-3 in the first round
Notable awards/Nominations: Paolo Banchero (All Star), Jamaal Mosley (3rd in Coach of the Year Standings), Jalen Suggs (Votes for MIP and DPOY)
Season Review By most standards, the Orlando over-achieved and impressed in the 2023-2024 season. With most assuming that they would be around .500 and barely in the play ins before the season began, a solid 5th seed run and clear playoff run deep into the last round was above most considered they were capable. Paolo established himself as a clear 1st option while Jalen Suggs showed great improvement in his shooting and decision making. The Magic bench was possibly the biggest surprise of the season as a rare healthy season showed a benefit to depth.
Still, some things were disappointing in the season. Marcelle Fultz never really healed right or maybe at all and showed he still cannot provide spacing from the 3pt line. Franz, though he was able to score other ways, seen a drop I'm his 3pt% in what was considered a regression season. Cole Anthony, having started the season as a 6MOY candidate, ended the season mediocre at best and the team as a whole cooled down after a very hot start to the season.
All of these things considered, this season was considered a success. However, there were some clear holes shown to the front office that should help the magic, along with internal growth, continue to grow into a deep playoff team for years to come.

Cap Situation

The Magic go into the Off Season with some of the highest cap space possibilities in the league. With 25m of free cap if they keep all players with options/free agency looming and a whopping 65m if they waive everyone for max space, the Magic could certainly be a major player in the off season. With very few big name stars to sign, this could be through facilitating a trade, or simply small moves betting on eternal growth. They have 11 players on contract (3 with non-guaranteed or club options) and sub par performances by some FAs such as Fultz and Harris. The magic are almost guaranteed to see some new faces, whether big names or small improvements.
Team Need While the Magic’s shooting woes were the elephant in the room, they were 14th in shooting after the all star break, which seemed like an upward trajectory for a young, growing team. Still, shooting and scoring should be a focus for any moves the Front Office might be looking at doing. Besides shooting, playmaking outside of Paolo is lacking and the depth at point guard is a big need. Thought the Magic had decent bigs this year, inside rebounding and overall defense outside of JI and WCJ is also a need. Outside of that, general vet presence in the young core could help the continual nominal growth of the young core.

Free Agent Targets

With all this money, surely they will sign a big name right? Of course there are always big names that they could throw money at, but let's be real, LeBron isn't coming to Orlando (and is even recorded saying he'd rather retire). Paul George and Klay Thompson have been mentioned as some big fish, but the fact that these players would demand a big contract and do not fit the Magic's timeline makes these imperfect if not unlikely targets. Names like OG and Siakim are questionable fits with the looking stardom of Paolo and maybe Franz. Yet there are still some options.
Some of the bigger name options that are better fits are still questionable in other ways. While D'Angelo Russell seems perfect on paper, the Front office has made it obvious they are growing a culture here and Dlo certainly does not scream culture guy. Likewise, some names Like Beasley, who do what the Magic need though they aren't big names, just don't seem to fit the Magic high character requirements.
Now that we have the unlikely options out of the way, let's talk about more realistic options. Players like Malik Monk, Luke Kennard and Buddy Hield, while not a fancy, high dollar option, fit a clear need for Orlando and would be a more likely option. Other shooting options such as Gary Trent Jr and Cadwell-Pope could really help bolster the shooting woes of the magic. For the playmaking, Tyus Jones and Kyle Lowry (don't kill me magic fans) could add to the back court depth. IHart, Claxton (at least start a bidding war) and Jonas V could both be a benefit to the need of rebounding and depth at big men. A few more names that could be mentioned are Bruce Brown, Alec Burks, Monte Morris, De'Anthony Melton, Lonnie Walker. Really any names that can shoot, distribute the ball, or rebound while not having questionable locker room issues.
As for looming free agents, the Magic are likely to exercise the Team Option on Moe Wagner after a great year. Joe Ingles is questionable, but he was mostly a player coach and seemed to be a huge help to Mosely. They could look to re-sign players like Fultz and Gary Harris, but that would most likely come on a team friendly discount as neither were extremely impressive.
it should be noted that any signings or trades should heavily consider future finances. Franz Wagner and Jalen Suggs will need an extension or new contract by next year and then Paolo the year after. This could result in max or close to max contracts for both Paolo and Franz and a decent sized contract (~20m) contract for Jalen. This should be considered in any future moves the magic make.

Trade Targets

Everyone would like to think they have a shot at the big names, but for a team with the space the magic have and all future picks plus an extra few in their chamber, magic are sure to be connected to most trade rumors as the off season progresses. Names like Booker, Mitchell, and Trae will likely have the magic name in every headline. Though these are possibilities, with Paolo as the current future, none of these seem like good fits or likely to come to a considerably small market like Orlando.
Some not as big but still high caliber players that could be traded include Garland, Dejounte Murray, and Simons (yall know I feel). All have been rumored to move, fit a need while not needing the ball in their hand, and are obtainable targets. Some names that COULD be available but probably shouldn't be considered are Ingram, MPJ, Derozen, Bridges. These players look good on paper, but would be very questionable fits next to the current young core.
Some other less sexy, but still noteworthy names are Jarrett Allen, Alex Caruso, Marcus Smart, and any other smaller named guards and shooters or bigs who might be available. There aren't many limits to what the Magic COULD do, but there is a pretty sizable list as to what they SHOULDN'T do.

Draft Targets

Picks: 18th and 47th in the NBA draft
With an already very young roster and two rookies drafted last year (one who mostly played in the Gleague), it seems unlikely that the Magic want to add MORE young players from a draft that lacks in truly game changing players. It feels like any trade the Magic might complete would include one if not both of these picks. Still, with looming contract extensions for rookies and some clear needs to fill, they could look to do so with cheaper future options.
If they do not trade the pick, the magic could look for the biggest upside swing with the 18th pick. Some names that could be interesting at this spot are Tristan Da Silva, DaRon Holmes, Kel’El Ware, Yves Missi, Kyle Filipowski and Jared McCain. These players all fill a need the team has while keeping future cap flexibility.

Summary

The truth is, the Magic have pretty much all options available and the cap space to make those options a reality. Their needs are clear, their options are vast, and their trajectory is rising. The Magic are in a great spot to make a huge leap this year, but what they do in the off season could make or break how far the team goes this year.

During the course of my career as an alpha Sasquatch hunting, Dogman destroying, pussy crushing, luxury watch loving dude, I have run into this particular woman a few times. She is one part uber sensuality, and the other part deadly. Yes, I am speaking about the lovely, Anna Conda. I bring her up because I had another run-in with her last year.

Anna and I first joined forces, so to speak, when she acted as a go-between in my business deal with the Chinese to sell them bigfoot parts. See, I would hunt and kill the critters, cut them up, deliver the parts to Anna, who in turn gave me a suitcase containing unmarked American hundred-dollar bills, then she would transport the bigfoot parts to the Chinese. I was never really sure of what the sneaky-ass Chinese were doing with the body parts. All I knew for sure is that they are extracting certain materials from them, then synthesizing them with some other shit, creating some sort of drug. Whether it then becomes a bio-weapon or a dick stimulant, I do not know. Neither do I care. As long as they kept the hundies coming, I was good.

Now, while Anna is of Russian descent, she is a freelancer. She will work for any sick, skeevy motherfucker out there. She does not care. She has no conscience, at least not in the traditional sense as we understand it in western civilization. Today she is working for the Chinese, and tomorrow she may be working for Hamas. She is a slippery motherfucker.

So here is how it went down. At 11:32 p.m. on a Friday in September of last year I get a call on my cell phone. When the call came in I was balls deep into this hot little lass I picked up at the bus station a little earlier in the evening from an old swarthy chap named “Colorado Joe”. He wanted to sell me the girl. I was assured she was over 20 years old. I told him I needed to take her out for a test ride, which he agreed to.

So, there I was, balls deep in “Bing Bang Yun”, and my phone rings. Of course, I silence all incoming calls not in my contacts list. Thus, I knew that I must know the caller. In mid stroke I reached over to the nightstand to retrieve my cell and looked at it. It was a call from “Sergio”. I thought, “Oh shit…. I am going to have to cut the Oriental bang circus short.” When Sergio calls, I have to respond…immediately. He has the best blow on the east coast!!

“Hey, Serge! What’s up?”, I asked. All he said was, “Hooters. 2:00 a.m.”, then hung up. This was obviously the rendezvous for the transaction. Now, understand that Serge was not talking about the chicken wing restaurant. Hooters was code, in case the feds were listening in on the line. “Hooters” meant the titty bar out on Highway 69 called “The Plump Rump”. We had a communications code we used.

It was a long haul to the titty bar, so I needed to get moving. I had no time to return the girl to Colorado Joe, so I took her with me. I had her blow me on the way to the meeting with Sergio, telling her that her performance would make the difference on whether I save her from Joe or not. Of course, after she was done I tossed her out of my speeding truck and down, over the bridge, and into the Wendigo River below. I did not need any complications in my life right now.

I arrived at The Plump Rump at 2:00 a.m. on the dot. I saw the manager, Lou Skunt, sitting at the bar when I walked inside. I nodded. He walked over and said to me, “Use my office for the meeting The parties are already in there waiting for you.” I nodded and then headed to Lou’s office. Then it hit me: Lou said the “PARTIES” are already here. That is, parties, meaning more than one person. It was not just Sergio. It was 2 or more people! Lou was probably in for a cut of whatever was about to go down.

Something was bad fucked up!! I know for a fact that Sergio never brings anyone with him on a deal, at least not with me. He is too distrustful of people to do that, and too fucking mean to need protection. Something was wrong. I was just as likely to get whacked when I enter Lou’s office as anything else. I needed a moment to think things through.

I took a spot in front of one of the performance poles to watch a young, swarthy Mexican lass perform. My mind quickly strayed from the problem at hand to this brown chick’s ass and tits. She was not a great looking chick, but her body was smoking!! I quickly became aroused. I thought to myself, “Goddamn Asian bitches!! They are just like Chinese food – after 2 hours you are ready for some more!!”

When the little Mexican chick went on break I motioned her over to my table. “Hola Senior!!”, she said. I pulled out a clear plastic baggie of blow and dropped it on the table. Her eyes grew wide and slobber starting falling from her mouth. Blow is like catnip for strippers. Thus, she fell under my spell immediately.

The next thing I know, this brown girl was on my lap, dry humping me like a feral bitch dog in heat. I had to bang her. I NEEDED to see my wang penetrating her. Just then, someone taps my shoulder hard. I look up to see Lou standing over me. He bent down and said, “Did you forget about my office, asshole?!?!?!” I replied, “Damn, Lou!! You read my mind!!!” I arose, with the little Mexican bolted onto my mid-section, and hastily retreated to Lou’s office. I figured Lou would prefer me to stain this chick in private rather than out in the open.

The door to the office opened easily. The lights were on inside. In a lustful haze, I set the little Mexican chick on her back across Lou’s desk and started pumping the shit out of her, completely unaware of the others in the room with us. In a moment I heard someone call my name. I twist my neck around to see Sergio sitting on Lou’s jizz crusted couch. I think to myself, “Oh shit! I forgot about that shit!”

I figured I would just move forward with the deal as it was proposed to me. “Hey Serge! What ya got for me, dude?”, I asked. He replied, “I have a very special deal for you. I need, uh … yeah, ……Hey, Rod, you want to stop for a moment so we can talk?” I picked up the little tamale and laid her down onto Sergio’s lap as I continued to plow her. She stayed on my cock the whole time. I told Sergio, “No, man. I’m good! Lay it on me!” Slowly, Sergio lowered his face into his palm.

Then it happened. The voice cam from behind me, in the dark corner of Lou’s office. It was velvety yet hard as steel. “Rod. Went need to talk”, it said. Even though I did not stop pumping the little brown chick, a chill went down my spine when I heard those words. It was the thick timbre of the voice, I think, that alerted me.

I turned to look across the room. There, sitting in a red leather captains chair against the wall was the source of the sultry voice: Anna Conda.

I picked up the little taco yet again and turned her around so I could face Anna as I continued pumping her. At this point the Mexican girl was merely a masturbation toy I was using. I increased my pump so I could dump my load and get this over with. Then BAMM!!!, it was over. I removed the lass from my huge rod, after which her body crumpled to the floor. I did not know if she was dead or injured, or what had happened to her. But I did not care either, so I did not dwell on it.

I tried to compose myself the best I could, then walked over to stand before Anna so I could get to the bottom of all this business. “Well, well, well. Anna Conda. We meet again. Tell me, what brings you here, to my little neck of the woods?”

Anna replied, “Rod, put your dick away.” I looked down and, indeed, I had forgotten to stow my cock. Out of pure curtesy, I packed it away. Then I returned my attention to Anna. “Alright, Anna, what’s going on here?”

Anna launched into a startling tale about what brought her to me. As she spoke I became lost in her wanton beauty. She got up from her chair and walked about the room as she relayed her story, presumably to make it more dramatic and demonstrative. I got a full-on view of her body, and it was fantastic!!

She stands 5’10’’ and weighs 105 lbs. She is lithe. She was showing it off too, wearing a black, silk dress that landed just about her ankles. The top was low-cut, betraying just a bit of cleavage from her C-cup wineglass titties. She was not wearing a bra. Anna never wears a bra. Her nips were perfectly outlined through the silk. In fact, I think her nips were hard. It was probably something she did on purpose in an attempt to influence me. It was working.

Anna’s ass was perfect. It was not at all fat, but round enough not to be skinny. It was a fit figure skater’s ass. As she walked, I could see a tiny bit of jiggle emanating from her ass flesh, and then reverberated in the silky black dress she wore. My cock began growing hard again.

Her face was beautiful. Think Scarlett Johanson and Phoebe Cates rolled into one. But any sweetness this may evoke is quickly dispelled by Anna’s throaty voice with its thick Russian accent. I have known Anna for 20 years. Yet, she still does not look a day over 25. Jesus Christ!!! If ever there was a chick to die for ….. If I was one to delve into the belief of the paranormal, then I may conclude that Anna made a deal with the devil. But, I am not such a person.
And literally, Anna Conda is a chick to die for. She is deadly as fuck. She will kill you in a split second without a thought just because she does not like the shirt you are wearing. She can do it too. She is always armed and she knows how to use her weapons. Moreover, she is a total psychopath. This makes her doubly dangerous.

Anna and I have always gotten along for the most part. Like Anna, the dollar is my primary motivating factor. Such a mindset allows for understanding and predictability among people, which are elements that are sorely missing in many business dealings today that go on in the color of darkness.

Suddenly, Anna snapped me out of my thoughts. “Here’s your gun, Rod. Now let’s get started”, said Anna. She and Sergio were halfway through the door exiting Lou’s office when I said, “Hey, wait a damned minute!!! What are you talking about?!?”

They both stopped, and Anna walked back in and looked me in the eyes, saying “The plan, Rod. Let’s get on with the plan.” A little embarrassed, I sheepishly asked, “What plan?” Anna folded her arms and looked cross at me. After a moment to allow me to simmer in my shame, she asked, “You were not paying attention, were you, Rod?” I shook my head and looked down.

I heard a hammer cock. I jerked my head back up to find myself staring down the barrel of a pistol pointed at my head that Anna was holding. I protested, “Look, it is not my fucking fault!! Put that fucking gun down!!!” I continued, “You were distracting me with …. Well.. you know, how you are dressed, and that hot, sultry voice…. You know?”

“So, instead of paying attention to the plan, you chose to eye-rape me. Is that what I am to understand your position is, Rod?”, she asked. Knowing that my life was on the line, I said, “Anna, look, you know I am horny to a fault. Then you come in here, swinging them tits around, wearing that silk dress showing off the crack of your ass…. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT TO HAPPENED?”

Anna lowered her gun. She knew that my explanation of being a total cocksman was truth. “Let’s go”, Anna curtly said. I obeyed.

Anna explained the plan to me again on the drive from The Plump Rump. She made me wear a blindfold so that I would not get horny during her explanation. Here is how it went:

Anna Conda was now working for the Russians. It seems that Putin caught wind of the Sasquatch project that the Chinese were working on. He also knew that the American government have been fucking with sasquatch for decades. Thus, he was very concerned about the existence of a bigfoot gap. He ordered the acquisition of a Sasquatch specimen immediately.

Moreover, said specimen must be prime. It needed to be the biggest, baddest sasquatch of them all – a true alpha – so as to speed things along. Putin did not want some weird shit-creature, is-it-a-sasquatch-or-is-it-a-dogman, kind of monstrosity. He wanted purebred, badass sasquatchery, and preferably from the American Pacific northwest.

Anna got in on it because she sold the intel to Putin about China’s Sasquatch operation. She then told Putin she could produce sasquatch corpses for him. She told him she had a contact (i.e., me). Thus, with Putin’s blessing and promises of riches to come, Anna set out to America to find me.

Now, here is where things got a bit squirrely. See, I agreed to procure some more dead sasquatch. I have no problem with killing sasquatch because, in my opinion, they are an abomination on this Earth. I kind of feel like I am doing God’s work by wiping out as many of them as I can. And given all the not-so-Godly stuff I have done, I feel like killing Sasquatch kind of offsets that to some degree.

But Anna, she was stuck on Putin’s instruction that she must supply him with apex Sasquatch. So she did not want to take my advice of heading to the Pacific Northwest or Alaska. Instead, Anna claimed to have pinpointed the whereabouts of a particularly gruesome sasquatch beast that she KNEW would win her a fortune from Putin if she brought it to him.

“So, where is this beast?”, I asked. Anna replied “Martha’s Vineyard”. I paused. Then I asked her to repeat herself. It turns out that I was not mistaken about what Anna had said. I continued, “Uh, Anna, there are no sasquatch on Martha’s Vineyard, just a lot of wealth New Englander schmucks.”

Anna looked at me and told me I was wrong. Then she decided to attempt to taunt me. “Oh, Rod, mighty slayer of Bigfoot! Yet, you fail to take notice of where the biggest, most foul and rotten beast of them all makes its home. Jesus, Rod!! What kind of bigfoot hunter are you, anyway?” Anna then spit at my feet and wondered aloud whether she even needs me for this job.

I decided that I needed to straighten out the hierarchy here in order for this here deal to move forward. I said, “Well, Anna, feel free to truck on over to Old Whitey Beach and battle that beast. But, if there is a big old mangy sasquatch lurking around over there, then it is probably a fucking Nazi-Squatch. You know, those fuckers out there hate the Jews.”

The work “Nazi” visibly shook Anna. Her great grandfather died defending Leningrad. Her entire family there died of either starvation or cannibalism during Hitler’s siege during Operation Barbarossa. Anna despised Nazis. But she feared them too. After landing that punch, I decided to push my luck.

“Now, I am still willing to help you catch this here Nazi-Squatch, but you have to do something for me”, I said. Now Anna’s eyes were on me, and they were narrowing. I continued, “I want you to get bare assed naked and pleasure yourself while I stand over you and jack it.” Anna stared at me silently for a long moment. Then she replied.

“After the job is done, and you can get none of your … fluids… on me”, she said. I shook my head and countered, “Now, and I will ‘try’ to not get my spunk on you.”

However, Anna then turned the tables on me. In fact, she picked up the table and bashed my head in with it. She looked me in my eyes, then matter-of-factly said, “You get the beast, and your prize shall be a night with me, anything goes, darling.” Well, since this caused all of the blood to immediately drain from my brain, I had a lapse in judgment. “DEAL!!”, I said. Then we shook on it.

“OK, tell me more about this supposed monster sasquatch on Martha’s Vineyard”, I said. I still was not ready to believe there was a monster out there. “I show you photo”, said Anna. She took out her phone, scrolled to find the photo, then handed the phone to me. “There. Sasquatch”, she said.

I stared at the photo and remained silent. After a long moment, I turned the phone so that Anna could see the photo and asked, “Uh, Anna, is THIS what you intended to show me?” She replied. “Yes! There…Sasquatch! The biggest, grossest monster around.”

Now, I could not argue with Anna that the image on her phone is a big, gross monster. Hell, it could actually be a sasquatch, and THE UBER sasquatch. It is most certainly the grossest thing on Martha’s Vinyard. But I somehow do not think this is what Putin is expecting.

I turned to Anna and said, “Anna, this is a photo of Michelle Obama. I know it looks vile, and has a huge, hulking body with large appendages where a woman should not have them. But, sweatheart, that ain’t no sasquatch. That’s a big, hairy Chicago street negro.”

Anna did not believe me at first. She was hard in her conviction that Obama was a sasquatch. “I have seen the Sasquatch beast you deliver to me for China. This … Michelle Obama …. It is big, and hairy, and ugly like the sasquatch beast, but worse.”

When the truth finally set it, I could see that it had kind of broken down poor Anna, if only just a bit. I put my arm around Anna and told her, “Look, Michelle O fooled you. Hell, she and her Hamas Hubby fooled millions of Americans, twice! At least you saw Michelle for what she is, to wit: a big, gross sasquatch, and NOT some kind a retarded leftist messiah.”

After that, things took a rather dark turn. “What if we still take her to Putin? We can make deal; sell her to Putin!!” At this point I held up my hands and said, “I’m out”, then turned and walked away. Anna followed, trying to get me to stay. At this point, I could tell that Anna was coming undone a little.

See, she had to produce for Putin. There is no telling what kind of secret deal she actually had with him. She had to deliver a big old mangy Obama …. Er, uh, I mean … Sasquatch, to Putin.

“Ok, Rod, we do your plan. We go out west to kill bigfoot. Huge, monster bigfoot. she said. I turned and looked Anna in her eyes and said the following: First, we bang for 48 hours straight, right now, so I can get my fill of you. Second, you pay me $10,000.00 cash upfront. Third, upon delivery of the dead bigfoot, you pay me $1 million immediately.”

Anna agreed to everything, but noted that at the present time it was her “time of the month”. I grimaced, as I will absolutely not go there (and she knows that). “Fine, next week we bang”, I said. She pointed out that I would be in the woods next week hunting sasquatch. “Fine, once I come out of the woods, then we bang – 48 hours straight”, I said. “Of course, darling!”, she agreed.

Well, it took several days to set up the hunt, but it finally happened. I was in Washington state at high elevation based on intel I has acquired that indicated that there was a monstrous 15’ tall sasquatch on the mountain range that had been murdering and eating hunters and hikers. After 3 months in these mountains without a trace of the creature I began to lose hope, thinking that I probably got some bad intel, or bad coordinates.

I got my satellite phone out to call for an extraction. Winter was setting in fast, and if I did not get off this mountain soon, then I would freeze and/or starve to death. Unfortunately, my contact did not answer. I tried for 2 days. No answer. I had been fucked. I wondered what had happened back in civilization that caused me to be abandoned like this. I resolved that I would get off that mountain and get to the bottom of this shit. There would be hell to pay for this betrayal!!’

I was able to get in touch with contacts from back home. I got old Billy Ray from Ellijay and Rattler on the phone and got them to come out here to Washington State to extract me. Rattler use to fly helicopters in the Army. He has an old Huey sitting in his front yard, to the chagrin of his HOA. He fired that sucker up, and him and old Billy Ray flew out here to my coordinates and extracted me.

After landing at a convenience store to buy some beer for the flight home, we headed east. Through the skies a way, Billy Ray said, “Well, Rod, I guess you is bout ready to git back home to Georgia, eh?” In fact, I was ready to go home. But I had to take care of some business first. I told them both to take me to New York City. They were both perplexed. All I said to them was “I have an old friend there I have to see before I can go home.”

I have intel on where Anna Conda stays when she is in the United States. She stays at certain hotels depending on what month she is here, and whether her check-in date is an odd or even number. This is for undercover work. I came across the code for her stays while doing the sasquatch work for China. She an I were caught in a snowstorm one night in Buffalo, NY, and had to share a room at the Holiday Inn near the airport. We had like 10 big Igloo ice chests with iced down sasquatch body parts with us in the room.

Anna was like, “No hanky panky, Rod. I am tired and I want to go to bed. Tomorrow we finish business.”

Frankly, I did not blame her for withholding her magnificent muff from me. I was tired as hell. But, I could not settle for nothing. So, when Anna was in the bathroom taking a shower, I started going through her suit case. I wanted to find some of her panties to jack off into. Instead, I found a little black notebook. Inside it contained her lodging codes, and some other interesting things. I photographed the contents with my phone and then put it back.

When Anna got out of the shower she was already dressed in her night clothes. She saw me lying on my back, nude on the bed, and jacking it. “Rod!! GROSS!!!! Go to the restroom to do that shit!!!”, she commanded. I just did it to get a rise out of her. LOL!!

So, if Anna is still inside the U.S., then using the codes I stole from her I can locate precisely where she will be that night. I studied it for a few moments then had my answer. Tonight she would be staying at the Dogman Inn on Hwy 95 South, Room 355. I told Rattler to get me there stat!

We had to stop several times for fuel and beer. Those Hueys go just a bit over a hundred MPH, you know. But eventually, we got there. I gave the boys some money and told them to go to the Waffle House for some coffee to sober up. Then they would fly me home.

I should mention that I also had Rattler’s fully auto Russian AK-74 with spare mags. During the long flight with 2 drunks from Washington State to New York City, I had worked myself up into a towering rage over how Anna fucked me on this Putin deal. She had clearly thrown me aside. But for what, exactly? I figured I would storm the hotel room, get some answers, then shower the room with gun fire.

I busted through the door of Room 355 at exactly 3:35 a.m. There she was. My entry roused her from slumber. I was pointing my rifle at her, center mass. She was shocked at the appearance of a gunman in her room at this time of night. However, she was not as shocked as one would think (this was not the first time something like this has happened to her).

I raised my face from the receiver just enough so she could see it was me. “Rod!!!”, she exclaimed. “What happened to you?!?!? I thought you had died up in those mountains when we never hear from you!” I replied, “Shove it up that cute little ass of yours, Anna. You fucked me. And not in the good way. What the fuck was all that shit about needing a sasquatch for Putin?!?”

Anna played dumb. But it struck me that I had been deliberately put out of the loop for 3 months. Why? Who wanted me away for that long, and why? What went on in my absence?!? I was just dying to know!!! I set my rifle down and pulled out my fixed blade knife, ready to get down to some real nasty work on Anna so I could get some truth. The pure evil of what I was about to do to her caused a wide death grin to grow on my face. Anna saw it. She knew what it meant. She swallowed hard and her eyes betrayed the shear terror she felt inside. I was engorged with blood lust. She knew she had fucked up one time too many this time!!

Suddenly came the sound of the toilet in the bathroom flushing. I was momentarily shocked. I did not expect anyone else to be there with Anna. Anna saw it in my face. I glanced at her and saw that the terror in her face was replaced with pleasure, a slight smile creeping over her face.

I was going to have to face off against this person in the bathroom, who would be out in a split moment. When I do that, I will have to turn 180 degrees from Anna, thereby making me vulnerable to her. I had only once choice: Shoot Anna first.

Just as this came to me, but just before I could act on it, the bathroom door opened. I had to deal with that person before Anna now. I spun around to see that it was a completely nude, and fat, white man. He was a real oafish blob. He looked surprised to see me. He also looked sort of familiar.

I next heard the crack of something hitting my skull hard. I remember the immediate hateful pain that shot through my body and the sound of blood rushing through my ears. I remember the dizziness, then falling to the floor. Clearly, as I fixed on the man from the bathroom, Anna had cracked me over the head with a blunt object.

I came to the next morning, Billy Ray and Rattler had manage to track me down based upon coordinates I left in the chopper that said “IN CASE OF EMERGENCY”. Billy Ray filled up the hotel room ice bucket with cold water and doused my head with it to bring me conscious. I was disoriented at first. But after a bit, what happened in this room the night before came back to me.

Honestly, I am surprised that Anna did not just kill me. I presume that she thinks she can leverage her drop-dead hotness to get me to do more shit for her in the future. She is absolutely right about that too. Rattler then said, “Hey, Rod, that snake bitch left a letter fer ya.”

He handed me the letter. This is what it said:
____________________________________________

“Dear Rod:

Sorry about the boo boo on your head. Hope it heals soon. Also sorry about leaving you in the mountains. I was not running a scam on you Rod. Rather, an opportunity arose for me to acquire a sasquatch body from another person. You may know him since you are a sasquatch hunter. His name is Matt Moneymaker. Anyway, until next time…..

Yours truly,
Anna Conda”
_____________________________________________
I could not fucking believe it. That was fatfuck Moneymaker in the hotel room earlier. Anna fucked Matt Fatfuck Moneymaker for a Sasquatch! That fat son of bitch!!

Billy Ray asked, “You ready to go Rod?” I stood up and said, “Yeah, let’s go.” Then Rattler said, “Hey, ya wanna stop and git some beer fer the ride home?” I replied “Hell yeah.”

I felt like I wanted to die. Thank God for beer and buddies. I don’t blame Anna. She is a fucking snake, and I knew that before this started. Also, I cannot really blame fatfuck Moneymaker for wanting to get some of that hot poon pie Anna serves up. I guess I have to blame fate for fucking me over this time. I even started thinking that next time I will just avoid Anna. But I know I won’t, thus making me subject to this sort of shit again. I had Rattler set us down in Charlottesville so I could buy some hard liquor.

Race Information
• Name: Bad Ass Backyard Ultra
• Date: May 11, 2024
• Distance: 29.5
• Location: Rio Linda, CA
• Website: https://www.skybreakerracing.com/bad-ass-backyard-ultra/
• Strava: https://www.strava.com/activities/11388611030
• Loops: 7

Goal	Completed
Stay under 50 miles	Yes
See if I like this kind of race	Definitely
Have Fun	Always
Win?	Yes!

Pre-race:
I’m a 40 year old guy who sits at a desk all day (CPA). I started running in August of 2021 specifically to do a marathon, crossed the finish line that December and since then it’s been an addiction. I’ve now run 4 marathons, 2 50k, 3 70.3s, a full Ironman and in February as I switched from Triathlon to Ultras I did my first 50 miler. The 50 (in spite of showing I need to fix some blister issues) confirmed for me that ultra events are my favorite. I still like the triathlon training and how I feel with those more, but as far as events and culture, ultras are my thing. So anyway, I know I’m now an ultra runner, but I was a little lost as to what my next “A” race would be. I had the option of Ironman in October, Rio Del Lago 100 miler in November, or one of these backyard ultras that I’ve been hearing about. For those that are unaware, it’s basically a 4.2(ish) mile loop that is done every hour. No matter how fast or slow you run that loop, every hour on the hour another loop starts. This goes until people drop off and there is one person left. At the surface, this seemed like something that I’d like to inject directly into my veins. But that could just be me being naïve about how boring doing the same loop over and over would be, or how much I HATE stopping during runs. But the main draw for me, is that within 15 minutes of any race I’ve ever run in my life, the eventual winner is nowhere near me. Lining up every hour with the eventual winner and looking them in the eye just gets me irrationally hyped. That said, I’m coming off my first 50 miler, my toes are still healing (waiting on my big toe nail to fall off at this point, and my coach has BEGGED me to not go too deep in the well for this one. He wants a real training build up, some time to figure out blister issues and be legitimately prepared for a race. So the main goal here is to see if I want to throw 6 months of specific training at a race of this format.

Race Day:
So there are only 3 people signed up for this race. We even got an email from the race director asking if we still wanted to race. I get there with my wife, 3 kids and parents with tents, pop-ups, battery packs and iPads ready for this to be a long day. I have Maurten gels for 24 hours, huge packs of electrolyte mixes, I have my headlamp in case this goes into the night, 7 pairs of socks, 3 pairs of shoes, I have my heat gear, a tent, pop-up and a table. Quite frankly I may have had as much setup as the race director. My Bi-Carb and Ketones get drunk, we’re ready to rock.

Course:
This course was very strange. We’re out in the middle of farm land, and the first 1.7 miles is all exposed and it got up to 90 degrees at the peak of the day. What made it worse was a good mile of this section was not mowed, so we were trying to pave a path through calf high grass in places. After that you get to a legitimate trail that has a good bit of tree cover. One tiny hill for a grand total of 30 feet of elevation gain on the loop, so it’s pancake flat. There’s also a street crossing where there are a couple volunteers pressing the button to stop any cars coming by. Not a super busy street, so it was never a huge issue, but I did laugh a bit every time.

Race:
8am rolls around and I meet the two other people I’m running with. One guy just turned 33 so his goal was to do that many miles. Another is a woman in her 50s who had about the same goal for the day, but she was training for a run from the bottom of the UK to the top over 35 days or something. She’s done the Tahoe 200 before (something that’s on my bucket list), and I’m definitely a bit intimidated. That said, she says she has tickets for a comedy show later tonight, so I jokingly say I just need to hold out until she has to leave for that. Race starts and we decide we should run together a bit for the first lap just to figure out where the hell we’re going. We universally agree that the first section is BS, but the shade after makes all the difference. I start walking at the shade and let them run up ahead. I see them later on when I finish my loop.
My goal was to hit 50 to 55 minutes on each loop. First and foremost I don’t want to be sitting too long and thinking about pain or heat or whatever. To do this, I go at an easy pace for the heat section, walk when I get to the shade until I get to a 13 minute pace or so. Then I start running again. When I get to the tiny hill I start walking again until the pace drops in that range and then run into the finish line. I think I pegged every single lap right around 53 minutes. I’d grab a sponge from the ice bucket and wipe down my arms, sit down, eat my gel, put some ice in the pouch on my back, in my hat and down my pants. Every 2 laps I’d change socks and spray my feet down with Aquaphor to keep them lubricated. Every 4^th lap I’d change shoes. I’d eat fruit or any snacks I was feeling while my dad would fill my water bottles, one with electrolyte mix and one with regular water. I’d usually get up from the seat between the 2 and 1 minute warning, mosey on over to the start line, sponge down my arms one last time and get ready to do it again.
Loops 1 and 2 are about the same. I send a check in text as I’m walking in the shade to my wife and coach which I call my “*.5 check in.” I grade my pace, attitude, pain level and fun being had with any notes.
On loop 2.5 I text that the young guy is struggling in the heat. I even texted my wife to have the race director check on him when I didn’t see him for a while, but he was ok. I talked to him a bit and he said he was using too much energy running the heat section so he was walking some of it. I figured that would be too much heat exposure for me, but he says he’s ok.
Loop 3.5 I am getting too much sweat in my eyes. I usually wear an American flag headband when I run, but in the heat (and with my thinning hair up top prone to sunburn) I’ve switched away to a bucket hat. Until now I had the headband on the outside of the bucket hat. I admit I’m choosing fashion/superstition over practicality and put the headband under the hat which immediately fixes the problem. I also have a fun conversation with the woman about how I’m doing this whole mathematical calculation for my pace which makes sense being a CPA. She says she’s running completely on feel, but that makes sense because she’s a massage therapist. The young guy struggles a lot and comes in at 57 minutes on lap 4 and drops.
Loop 4.5 I have made my first shoe switch. After wearing the Altras with the wide toe box the Hokas that I’ve run all my other races in feel horribly constricting and I have a good idea of why I keep getting blisters. I decide to change shoes back to the Altras after this lap. Woman says her goal is 4 more laps.
Loop 5.5 I write that she’s trying to mind game me and that she’s gone a bit negative and I need to be more positive to combat it. Now I know that this probably says a lot more about me than it does her. It’s possible and even likely that she was dancing at the start line of loop 6 because she liked the song. But in my head, in that minute it seemed like she was trying to show no weakness. She starts off that lap a little hot, but I keep my same pace. The surprising part is when I pass her about halfway through the heat section and it takes her a bit to catch up as I’m walking in the shade. She grumbles a bit about that section of uncut grass and asks how long I’m going and what happens if we both stop at the same time. Just some little cracks mentally that I note as she starts running again up ahead of me. Now usually at this point I don’t see her until the finish line because she’s been running 46 minute laps and I’ve been well behind at 53 minute laps. But midway through my walk section I see her just a little up ahead at a turn. Please know, I AM NOT PROUD of what happens next. It’s not time to run yet, but with her struggling a little bit, I bet that if I pass her she breaks. So I start running, and make sure to keep my breathing and heart rate in check. I run by, say “I’m gonna hustle on this one, I want a burrito.” This is not a lie, I did indeed want a burrito and when I came in the announcer asked how I was feeling to which I responded, “feels like half-time” as I had just finished 25 miles. Well half way into my burrito they tell me she’s going to drop. She congratulates me and I just have to finish my last lap to win. Yes, I mind-gamed a woman in her 50s to win. Now is she a badass woman in her 50s? Damn right she is. She’s done races I can only dream about right now, and I probably do it again given the chance. She later tells my dad that she asked herself what the hell she was doing once I passed her.
I decide lap 7 should be really strong, so I take off and do the heat section in sub 9 minute pace. This was a bad call. I decide my ego isn’t that big and walk in the shade a bit so I don’t pass out. I finish in about 49 minutes, get a cool sweatshirt, which I then proceed to wear in spite of the heat for pictures with my kids on a makeshift podium because I never have and probably never will win another race in my life.

Post-race:
A few small blisters. One of which is on my heel which is new, but as of Monday they’re already minimal, so 30 miles in that is a huge improvement from normal. I’m on the right track but still stuff to figure out. With the system I had I didn’t mind the stops at all in this race format. I also think my superpower is doing boring things over and over again, so the loop didn’t bother me at all. It’s almost certainly something I’m going to be throwing 6 months of training at for a big showing in November. Had a fun day with some really enjoyable people. Plus my coach didn’t yell at me for going too deep and this will be a quick recovery into some real training blocks. Overall loved it!