My ex (21F) and I (23M) were really toxic. She has really bad avoidant issues and says she loves to be by herself.
She cheated on me with her coworker after months of trying to convince me that we should be polyamorous after 4 years of being monogamous. The night I caught her was because I checked her text messages on a whim, she tried to console me by saying she only was using him for his money since apparently he paid for her gas and food.
She threatened to harm herself the night I found out so I dissasociated from the cheating and put it in the back of my mind because I still cared about her so much, and we spent the whole rest night hanging out and I was so scared to lose her.
Months go by and our relationship was full of distrust now. I wanted to make it work but she would not give her all, and on top of that I was the most insecure I have ever been in my life. She was the issue but she was also helping the loneliness.
She started going out to Indie band shows late at night, hanging out with a lot of new people that shes been meeting since we broke up. Getting invited to parties by random people when she goes out. She says she wants us to still be friends, and she has no feelings for me anymore. Its like a light switch flipped in her. She makes it seem like her life is so much better without me in it. This is the same person that for 4 years I treated her and took care of her better than her parents ever did, and she even admitted it.
I dont understand how it can be so unfair like this. I do understand that my undying love for her might have pushed her away, but its so cruel that ive loved so hard and it was just taken for granted. I dont even miss her anymore, I am just writing this to make sense of everything. 3 weeks post break up and I want to just stop thinking about her, like I wish I never met her type of thing.

Well, I didn’t think things would come this far or have to be like this. I want to start off by saying that I am not perfect, I do make plenty of mistakes and i will continue to make mistakes. I’m writing this because a coworker of mine decided to make a post about me and completely lied.
I work for Jo-Ann fabrics and I love it, I love the atmosphere and I love the people- the customers and coworkers. Well, except one. For privacy I will call her Regina because she acts like work is the mean girls movie. I started working for this company October of 2023, I was hired in as the full time key holder. I do have a four year old that goes to school and due to kids having germs my daughter was sick a lot so I did have to call in, I don’t have much help babysitter wise so I HAD to stay home to take care of her. I didn’t call in every other day it was like twice every so often. Regina didn’t like that and resented me for choosing to take care of my daughter rather than work, so she told our boss that she should have the position because she doesn’t have a kid and would be available more. Our boss talked to me so I sacrificed the position so she could have it, now I’m not mad, upset or jealous that I don’t have the full time position it’s just hard to make a living working part time hours only making 10.55 an hour. If I knew what was to come I would have NEVER sacrificed the full time position. I do have a steady babysitter now so I’m working as much as I can so I can provide for my daughters need, kids are expensive and my daughters birthday is coming up so I asked for extra hours.
Days after Regina and I switched positions she started to act like she was made out of gold, like a golden child would. She would ALWAYS rub it in my face that she now was the full time key holder and always bragged how much more an hour she makes. She would ask all of our coworkers what their pay was and then would tell them how much she makes. I don’t care how much she makes, though higher pay would make my living situation easier. I grew up poor so I already adapted to a life of poverty and I’m honestly okay with it, sometimes it’s harder than other times but I make it work with what I have. Money to me is just paper, I can’t take it to the grave with me. Regina stoped me in the back room and said “I hope your not mad” I asked “why would I be mad” Regina replied with “because I make way more money than you” I smiled “well, I honestly don’t care. I couldn’t care less about money” Regina’s face got sour and cold because she knew she wasn’t getting under my skin. She replied with “oh, I thought you were”. I chuckled and said “no” and continued what I was doing.
Some time goes where nothing was happening but I could feel that something was brewing. It was the calm before the storm is what I’d call it. Now around this time I was going through a break up and was not feeling the best in my own skin and Regina knew this and used it as her ammunition. She started to call me her fat friend and then gave me hugs, I felt awkward because I do not like to be touched due to some very tramatic events . I’m bigger, I’m not skinny but I’m also not severely obese. Regina started to poke me and grab my fat and jiggle it. The first time she did, it was in front of two other female coworkers. They weren’t nice either, I’ll call them Gretchen and Karen, they were all in on this. When Regina grabbed my fat and giggled it Gretchen and Karen watched and laughed. I asked Regina “what are you doing” she responded with “I just wanted to feel how squishy it is”. Me being a non confrontational person I say “oh, don’t do that” still being nice and smiling, though I felt what was left of my self esteem completely shatter. I brushed it off and walked up to where all three of the mean girls were to ask a question about work since I was the only one doing something. Before I could even ask the question Gretchen goes behind me, makes a fist and lightly punched my back fat making it jiggle. All the girls laugh, I could feel my face getting hot and tears forming in my eyes as my heart sank to my stomach. I went to the bathroom for a moment to gather myself. This would go one for weeks, and every time it happened I would ask her to stop or to leave me be, each time she disregarded what I asked. During this time she would tell every coworker that I was a bad worker, I didn’t do what I was supposed to and if I did I would do a horrible job. There are so many other things she has said to others one that hurt the most was her saying it was annoying that I talk about my daughter so much. Now this whole time I thought we were friends, I’m a very forgiving person and I’m super nice even to people who don’t deserve it so when I heard about everything she was saying I was hurt I was so confused because she even asked to be my daughters god mother though she was never in my daughters life. I know friends don’t treat friends like that but I was just happy I could call someone a friend after years of having no one due to becoming a mom and losing myself in motherhood. I call my kindness and willingness to forgive a blessing and a curse because it truly is.
After finding out about everything she was saying, the drama and the physical touching which is actually bulling and harassment I finally went to my boss. It took me almost two months to tell her what was going on and how I felt. I hated every second explaining the torment to her, my boss is a lovey person and is super sweet. I couldn’t imagine how she felt hearing all of this, I truly felt like I was going to puke. I was so uncomfortable I couldn’t bear to work any longer without the help of my boss. My boss did talk to Regina and she said that she seems like she will be better and will stop the nonsense. A day after she was talked to Regina poked my back fat and laughed, she was shocked at how I responded. This time I wasn’t nice I turned to her and pretty much yelled “don’t touch me” she immediately apologized. I was surprised with how I responded as well, I actually stood up for myself and it felt nice. I did tell my boss she touched me again so Regina was talked to again and was extremely pissed. She started acting really passive aggressive, avoiding me and slamming things and being rude to everyone even customers. Me, being the nice person I am I decided that I would forgive her. Dumb of me, I know. I wrote her a four or five page letter explaining how everything made me feel , how bad of a friend she was and that I would teach her how to be a good friend. I even bought her a candle and some other stuff along with the letter I went as far as going over to her house to help her clean. She cried a lot when she read the letter and cried to me saying how bad of a friend she was, I hugged her back and said that it was okay and I forgive her. After that is was okay for a while until I witnessed her take drinks without paying for them and told my boss. After this, it was like a war.
I have never gotten in trouble with anyone, anywhere with anything, I guess I’m a goodie-two-shoes. Though I do have anger problems I have found ways to cope and deal with my anger, I’ve been working really hard to not get angry at Regina even though she deserves to hear what the mama bear side of me wants to say. I want to be gentle, I want to be nice and forgiving, I don’t want to be angry. But I knew I had to set some sturdy boundaries in order to keep my sanity. These past few weeks have been hell, in summary I caught her talking bad about me to my boss, she was lying about me, blaming me and others for things we didn’t do. With one situation in particular she turned the tables , when hearing this my adrenaline started to course through my veins, I stared to shake so bad. I went up to her and told her that was not how the story went. She got so scared seeing me so mad and shaking. She apologized to our boss for lying but not to me, my other coworker helped me calm down and thank god she did because I was going to quit right there and then. To summarize other things she has done I will just list them -tried to frame another coworker for theft to the point the coworker cried to our boss -tried to take credit for the work I did -talks bad about other managers and workers in other stores -gave out the phone numbers and emails of our hr and of our boss’s boss -made me work off the clock to train new people because she didn’t want to train them -purposely trained me wrong and is hesitant with teaching me new things to the point my boss has to and when I learn she gets mad and jealous because she’s threatened by my work ethic -yelled at me in front of a customer to the point the customer came back to complain about Regina to our boss and another coworker
And so many more but, the most recent is her blaming me for not locking the doors at close when it was her that didn’t do it correctly, the alarm company called my boss at night and the cops came to our Joanns and everything. I have several eye witnesses watch her do it. I told my boss to watch the cameras because I have nothing to lie about and Regina still is trying to blame me. This is where I draw the line, I will not forgive her so easily this time. Forgiveness without changed behavior is just manipulation. I am not the only one who has complained about her, many of our coworker have switched their availability to when I work or when my boss works because they don’t want to deal with Regina. Tension is very high and I’m afraid of what is to come.

Well, I didn’t think things would come this far or have to be like this. I want to start off by saying that I am not perfect, I do make plenty of mistakes and i will continue to make mistakes. I’m writing this because a coworker of mine decided to make a post about me and completely lied.
I work for Jo-Ann fabrics and I love it, I love the atmosphere and I love the people- the customers and coworkers. Well, except one. For privacy I will call her Regina because she acts like work is the mean girls movie. I started working for this company October of 2023, I was hired in as the full time key holder. I do have a four year old that goes to school and due to kids having germs my daughter was sick a lot so I did have to call in, I don’t have much help babysitter wise so I HAD to stay home to take care of her. I didn’t call in every other day it was like twice every so often. Regina didn’t like that and resented me for choosing to take care of my daughter rather than work, so she told our boss that she should have the position because she doesn’t have a kid and would be available more. Our boss talked to me so I sacrificed the position so she could have it, now I’m not mad, upset or jealous that I don’t have the full time position it’s just hard to make a living working part time hours only making 10.55 an hour. If I knew what was to come I would have NEVER sacrificed the full time position. I do have a steady babysitter now so I’m working as much as I can so I can provide for my daughters need, kids are expensive and my daughters birthday is coming up so I asked for extra hours.
Days after Regina and I switched positions she started to act like she was made out of gold, like a golden child would. She would ALWAYS rub it in my face that she now was the full time key holder and always bragged how much more an hour she makes. She would ask all of our coworkers what their pay was and then would tell them how much she makes. I don’t care how much she makes, though higher pay would make my living situation easier. I grew up poor so I already adapted to a life of poverty and I’m honestly okay with it, sometimes it’s harder than other times but I make it work with what I have. Money to me is just paper, I can’t take it to the grave with me. Regina stoped me in the back room and said “I hope your not mad” I asked “why would I be mad” Regina replied with “because I make way more money than you” I smiled “well, I honestly don’t care. I couldn’t care less about money” Regina’s face got sour and cold because she knew she wasn’t getting under my skin. She replied with “oh, I thought you were”. I chuckled and said “no” and continued what I was doing.
Some time goes where nothing was happening but I could feel that something was brewing. It was the calm before the storm is what I’d call it. Now around this time I was going through a break up and was not feeling the best in my own skin and Regina knew this and used it as her ammunition. She started to call me her fat friend and then gave me hugs, I felt awkward because I do not like to be touched due to some very tramatic events . I’m bigger, I’m not skinny but I’m also not severely obese. Regina started to poke me and grab my fat and jiggle it. The first time she did, it was in front of two other female coworkers. They weren’t nice either, I’ll call them Gretchen and Karen, they were all in on this. When Regina grabbed my fat and giggled it Gretchen and Karen watched and laughed. I asked Regina “what are you doing” she responded with “I just wanted to feel how squishy it is”. Me being a non confrontational person I say “oh, don’t do that” still being nice and smiling, though I felt what was left of my self esteem completely shatter. I brushed it off and walked up to where all three of the mean girls were to ask a question about work since I was the only one doing something. Before I could even ask the question Gretchen goes behind me, makes a fist and lightly punched my back fat making it jiggle. All the girls laugh, I could feel my face getting hot and tears forming in my eyes as my heart sank to my stomach. I went to the bathroom for a moment to gather myself. This would go one for weeks, and every time it happened I would ask her to stop or to leave me be, each time she disregarded what I asked. During this time she would tell every coworker that I was a bad worker, I didn’t do what I was supposed to and if I did I would do a horrible job. There are so many other things she has said to others one that hurt the most was her saying it was annoying that I talk about my daughter so much. Now this whole time I thought we were friends, I’m a very forgiving person and I’m super nice even to people who don’t deserve it so when I heard about everything she was saying I was hurt I was so confused because she even asked to be my daughters god mother though she was never in my daughters life. I know friends don’t treat friends like that but I was just happy I could call someone a friend after years of having no one due to becoming a mom and losing myself in motherhood. I call my kindness and willingness to forgive a blessing and a curse because it truly is.
After finding out about everything she was saying, the drama and the physical touching which is actually bulling and harassment I finally went to my boss. It took me almost two months to tell her what was going on and how I felt. I hated every second explaining the torment to her, my boss is a lovey person and is super sweet. I couldn’t imagine how she felt hearing all of this, I truly felt like I was going to puke. I was so uncomfortable I couldn’t bear to work any longer without the help of my boss. My boss did talk to Regina and she said that she seems like she will be better and will stop the nonsense. A day after she was talked to Regina poked my back fat and laughed, she was shocked at how I responded. This time I wasn’t nice I turned to her and pretty much yelled “don’t touch me” she immediately apologized. I was surprised with how I responded as well, I actually stood up for myself and it felt nice. I did tell my boss she touched me again so Regina was talked to again and was extremely pissed. She started acting really passive aggressive, avoiding me and slamming things and being rude to everyone even customers. Me, being the nice person I am I decided that I would forgive her. Dumb of me, I know. I wrote her a four or five page letter explaining how everything made me feel , how bad of a friend she was and that I would teach her how to be a good friend. I even bought her a candle and some other stuff along with the letter I went as far as going over to her house to help her clean. She cried a lot when she read the letter and cried to me saying how bad of a friend she was, I hugged her back and said that it was okay and I forgive her. After that is was okay for a while until I witnessed her take drinks without paying for them and told my boss. After this, it was like a war.
I have never gotten in trouble with anyone, anywhere with anything, I guess I’m a goodie-two-shoes. Though I do have anger problems I have found ways to cope and deal with my anger, I’ve been working really hard to not get angry at Regina even though she deserves to hear what the mama bear side of me wants to say. I want to be gentle, I want to be nice and forgiving, I don’t want to be angry. But I knew I had to set some sturdy boundaries in order to keep my sanity. These past few weeks have been hell, in summary I caught her talking bad about me to my boss, she was lying about me, blaming me and others for things we didn’t do. With one situation in particular she turned the tables , when hearing this my adrenaline started to course through my veins, I stared to shake so bad. I went up to her and told her that was not how the story went. She got so scared seeing me so mad and shaking. She apologized to our boss for lying but not to me, my other coworker helped me calm down and thank god she did because I was going to quit right there and then. To summarize other things she has done I will just list them -tried to frame another coworker for theft to the point the coworker cried to our boss -tried to take credit for the work I did -talks bad about other managers and workers in other stores -gave out the phone numbers and emails of our hr and of our boss’s boss -made me work off the clock to train new people because she didn’t want to train them -purposely trained me wrong and is hesitant with teaching me new things to the point my boss has to and when I learn she gets mad and jealous because she’s threatened by my work ethic -yelled at me in front of a customer to the point the customer came back to complain about Regina to our boss and another coworker
And so many more but, the most recent is her blaming me for not locking the doors at close when it was her that didn’t do it correctly, the alarm company called my boss at night and the cops came to our Joanns and everything. I have several eye witnesses watch her do it. I told my boss to watch the cameras because I have nothing to lie about and Regina still is trying to blame me. This is where I draw the line, I will not forgive her so easily this time. Forgiveness without changed behavior is just manipulation. I am not the only one who has complained about her, many of our coworker have switched their availability to when I work or when my boss works because they don’t want to deal with Regina. Tension is very high and I’m afraid of what is to come.

Today is my birthday (60 f) I have never asked for or expected a big production for my birthday. Just a little acknowledgement.
For my friends, i always do something. Cards, calls, gifts, invite for a meal or cocktails or a text at the very least. I put their birthdays on my calendar so I don't forget. It's not hard.
There are people with whom I thought I was close, yet there has been no acknowledgement of my birthday. It stings more than a little.
My family took me out for a lovely dinner. I had a bit of trouble working up the enthusiasm to go out to dinner because I was sad about those who forgot my birthday. How hard is it to send a text?
Am I being too sensitive? Am I expecting too much? Am I wrong for thinking my friends could at least send a little text?

Cigarettes and rebellion have always gone hand-in-hand, and in an age of cigarette packet-sized health warnings, now more than ever, smoking a fag says: 'I do not give a fuck.' But if Brandon Flowers is hoping to strike a seditious pose by sparking up at the start of the interview, it's not going according to plan. The Killers' frontman is on all fours rooting through the junk that carpets the anteroom at the band's rehearsal space. "Has anyone seen my lighter?" he asks, rocking back on his heels. The question hangs in the air while Brandon cocks his head, waiting for an answer like a meerkat listening for a predator. Twenty-five years old and with a delicate bone structure, there's something almost dainty about him. Receiving no response, he returns to his search. "Oh, Jeez," he sighs. "I had it just a minute ago."
It's a scene that emphatically does not suggest a rebel without a cause. The mess isn't helping. The Killers' HQ - an industrial unit sandwiched between a construction supplier and the offices of a housing development just off Dean Martin Drive in West Las Vegas - is ankle-deep in designer clothing. A Dior Homme suit lies crumpled by the door; there's a pile of shoes topped like a sundae by a pair of Marc Jacobs trainers; and anyone wishing to enter the shoebox room the band use as an office must negotiate a mountain of discarded jeans. Many items are identifiable as coming from the wardrobe of Hot Fuss, The Killers' hugely successful 2004 debut album - triple platinum in the UK with two weeks at Number One and five million sold worldwide. Look! There are the shirts, ties and suit jackets they wore when they thrilled Glastonbury 2005 with indie rock anthems Mr Brightside and Somebody Told Me. That was the crowning moment of a two-and-a-half year tour that finally concluded in October of last year. It seems that after playing that final date in Miami, they returned to Vegas and shrugged off their image onto the floor of this bland white box.
Now a fine layer of dust covers the dead clothes. The Killers have no further use for white tuxedos on their second album, Sam's Town. Today, Brandon wears a black polo shirt, black pin-stripe waistcoat, black jeans and black boots. Where there used to be a layer of foundation, there is now a beard - an untrimmed beard at that. Dave Keuning (30, guitar), Mark Stoermer (29, bass) and Ronnie Vannucci (29, drums) all echo Brandon's black ensemble. Ronnie has added Aviator shades and a handlebar moustache for a dash of motorcycle cop, Dave's frizzy bubble of hair gives him a Marc Bolan-ish air, and there's something very teenage about Mark's scuffed Vans.
Short of walking around wearing sandwich boards saying, "Our new record is a bit heavier than the last one," The Killers couldn't hope to communicate that message more effectively. And they have gained some musical girth on Sam's Town. The pop hooks that made Hot Fuss so irresistible survive intact - see the ringing guitar riffs on first single When You Were Young - but there's a newfound punchiness, coupled with an epic sweep. The minor-to-major uplifts on Bones are fabulously dramatic, the coda to Why Do I Keep Counting? thrillingly intense. Comparisons to Bruce Springsteen have been made. If they overstate the case a little, they are at leaset qualitatively accurate. The Killers are back and this time it's serious - they've got the bootlace ties to prove it.
"Hey, it says here that Springsteen's headlining Glastonbury next year," shouts Ronnie, who's flicking through the NME. He nods sagely at the page without looking up.
"Really?" asks Dave, nicknamed Crazy Dave on account of his alledgedly volatile nature.
"The Boss is headlining one night, we're playing second on the bill the next night and Kylie's headlining the Sunday," says Brandon, charging like a bull through Michael Eavis' as-yet-unannounced line-up with what subsequently proves to be a characteristic gaucheness.
But that lighter is proving elusive. This being America, none of the people hurrying to-and-fro prepping the world for the release of Sam's Town smokes. Manager Robert Reynolds - Bobby Rey to the band - barks into his mobile, booking his band onto eye-wateringly demanding tours. "We're going to make a lot of money," he cackles to himself before switching calls to make a series of stern pronouncements on legal matters. Dave, Mark and Ronnie disappear for a jam session. Artwork is approved, B-sides are decided on and schedules are hammered out.
"I can't find it," Brandon says, finally. But he's not going to be denied the opportunity to underline The Killers reinvention with a puff of smoke. "Let's go to the gas station. I'll have to buy one. It's too busy to talk here anyway."
+
Brandon's black (of course) Volkswagen Touraeg four-wheel drive is barrelling down West Flamingo Road into town. "I was a bell boy there," he says, pointing out of the driver's window at the stucco facade of the Gold Coast casino. "I was working there when we were signed."
Coming from Las Vegas, it is perhaps inevitable that casinos play a big part in The Killers' story; not only is Sam's Town named after one, it was recorded in one, too.
The band began writing songs while on the road with Hot Fuss, turning up early for soundchecks to run through new ideas. On a trip home to Vegas, George Maloof, a hotelier known for cultivating famous friends, invited them to record the album in the new studio he'd built at The Palms, his flagship hotel-cum-gambling den. When the tour finished in October 2005, they returned to Vegas and spent five month finessing the songs they'd sketched out on the road. Then, in February, they decampled to the third floor studio at The Palms and recorded Sam's Town over 11 weeks.
Producer Flood (U2, Depeche Mode) encouraged them to experiment. They overdubbed, fiddled with synthesizers and played with new equipment. It took them five weeks to get the backing vocals right. The band sang the harmonies, then double-tracked them four times. The end result recalls Queen wondering, "Is this is the real life? Is this just fantasy?" When Ronnie, a trained classical percussionist, brought some kettledrums down, eyebrows were raised; but the fabulously bombastic coda on Why Do I Keep Counting? vindicates his indulgence.
"That's kind of the Ben Hur of the album," he says. He's not wrong. Sam's Town is a record on an epic scale. "Yeah, it has drama," he continues. "But, at the same time, I think it's a little more exposed than Hot Fuss. It's a little more naked. Last time it was about a lot of fictional things." By "fictional", Ronnie means that Hot Fuss wore its predominantly British influences for all to see. Brandon's taste in music is rabidly Anglophile - he constantly references The Smiths, The Cure and Joy Division - and it showed. By contrast, Sam's Town is an unequivocally American record. The lyrical imagery is pure American dream - cars, girls, wide-open spaces and escaping to a better life. "We're burning down the highway skyline/On the back of a hurricane that started turning/When you were young," sings Brandon on When You Were Young. That's the basis of the Springsteen comparisons then, though the lack of pathos more closely recalls another blue-collar rocker from New Jersey - Jon Bon Jovi.
The phrase "this town" recurs throughout the album, and it's always receding into the distance as The Killers escape to a new life. "This town was made for passing through/I never did get along with everybody else," sings Brandon on This River Is Wild. On Read My Mind he "never really gave up on breaking out of this two-star town", while on the title track he offers something of an explanation: "Nobody ever had a dream round here."
"With the first record, there was this feeling that there was this world out there that we didn't know," says Mark later in the day. Before The Killers, he studied philosophy: now he's their quiet one. "We wanted to get out and away from this and be somewhere else. We hadn't had a lot of experience - hadn't travelled much - then we were gone for three years. We didn't sit down and say that we wanted to make a record about how we're glad to be home, but that's what happened naturally."
It's not an angsty record. The Killers have already escaped with Hot Fuss, and, having done so, they view the experience fondly now they're back. There's a mistiness to Brandon's eyes as he explains how the album got it's name.
"Sam's Town is a casino on the edge of Vegas," he says. "I grew up in Henderson, which is out on the way to the Hoover Dam. My mom and dad lived in a trailer park, and my dad used to hitchhike up and down Boulder Highway, which is the only way you could get to Vegas. Sam's Town was the first thing you saw on your way in to town. So, when you're driving down Boulder Highway from Henderson, I always thought you finally knew you were getting somewhere when you saw Sam's Town. It was kind of like a beacon."
"It's not a completely American album," contines Brandon. "We still have our English influence, but we're also from the Wild West. Somehow we've managed to unify all that on this album. it's just such a perfect resemblence of what we are."
At the petrol station, Brandon rummages through the glove box looking for change to buy a lighter. "This is a great album," he says, pointing at Highway Companion, the latest from iconic American rocker Tom Petty. "I've always been a big fan of his. He's such a great American artist."
Yes, Brandon: we get the point.
+
When Brandon finally lights his cigarette, he smokes it awkwardly, like a child mimicking something he's seen the grown-ups doing. However, when he cheerfully admits that, "I feel the same mentally as I did when I was 12," it's not a knowing nod to the fact that he sometimes behaves like a loveably precocious child, but a reference to an unusually comprehensive grounding in pop music at an early age.
When Brandon sings about "this town", he doesn't mean Las Vegas. He means Nephi, Utah or Henderson, Nevada, where he spent his childhood. His parents are Mormon and he is the youngest of six children. "I was a surprise," he says. "I've got a 42-year-old sister." If he was issues about his "surprise" status, he chooses to gloss over them. "It turned out perfect because my brother was a teenager when I was a kid," he says. "He would bring home things like Rattle And Hum by U2 and I would watch it. I remember he bought Live In Dallas by Morrissey. It was always him watching these things, or his door was shut and you'd hear The Head On The Door by The Cure blasting through the house and rattling the walls."
The Killers were formed when Brandon answered an advert Dave had placed in a local paper in late 2002. Dave cited Oasis as a big influence; Brandon had seen them play recently and responded; and, as Dave has said in previous interviews: "He was the only person to reply to my ad who wasn't a complete freak." However, the band was born in Brandon's brothers bedroom.
"His room was like a shrine," enthuses Brandon. "It was a holy place. I wish I could show you a picture of it. It was covered in posters. There'd be a big picture of Elvis wearing a bow tie that just said 'The Smiths' [the artwork for The Smiths 1987 single Shoplifters Of The World Unite]. You had The Cure wearing face paint [the artwork to The Cure's 1985 single In Between Days] - all that kind of stuff. I remember Morrissey being on the cover of the NME, with the halo [from 1985] - stuff like that. You just wanted to know about these people 'cause they were so cool. My brother seemed like such a cool person. But he was a teenager, so he wasn't going to be that nice to me, a kid."
Brandon was fascinated by his brother's collection of music, magazines and posters, but he was denied access to them - officially, at least. "I would sneak in," he says. "I knew he'd be angry if he found out, but I would go in as soon as he left the house." For a long time Brandon was too scared to actually play anything. "That didn't come 'til later. I just used to go in there because I liked it. Then I got to the point where I'd actually take a tape out and put it in. It took more guts to do that."
It was a life-changing moment. "I was ten and the first song I played was Sing Your Life by Morrissey. I remember dancing about to it."
The lyrics to Sing Your Life include the lines, "Sing your life/Just walk right up to the microphone/And name all the things that you love/All the things that you loathe." It's intriguing to wonder what Morrissey makes of the neophyte he inspired with these lines.
Eventually, Brandon inherited his brother's tape collection. "It was around the same time CDs started coming out in a big way. He started buying CDs and gave me his tapes. And that was it: it took off from there. I got a hundred of the best albums - all the New Order, all the Morrissey, all The Smiths, The Beatles. I started buying posters. I went to see The Cure in concert. It was just kind of a continuation of my brother. And it was nice because, though my parents were strict, they were already used to it from him. There was no, 'My dad doesn't understand me,' or any of that kind of stuff. My mum likes The Smiths."
Brandon was 13 and his favourite band was late-'70s/early-'80s American new wavers The Cars, and particularly their jaw-droppingly catchy 1979 single Just What I Needed.
"I wouldn't exist without that song," he says. "That was the one. I remember driving around with my mum when I was 13, and we're living in Nephi - a really small town - and I felt so cool when I put that song on. Like: 'I have something that none of these kids I'm going to middle school with tomorrow have.' That excitement is what music's about, isn't it? That's why I understand the mentality of people that don't like us because we've sold so many records. I used to like it when no one else knew about a band. So I get that - I do."
+
Brandon's first band was called Blush Response. It was never going to work out. Not because he refused to move to Los Angeles with them, but because he is utterly - comically - shameless. He's given to making outrageously boastful statements like: "It's not like the '60s, '70s and '80s now. There are only a few bands around that are really good, that just do it. I mean, there's what, five or six of us?"
For the record, in Brandon's estimation, those bands are Franz Ferdinand, Razorlight, The Strokes, The White Stripes, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and, of course, The Killers.
"I don't want people to think I'm lumping myself with other people just to make us sound cool," he says. Really? It sort of sounds like you are. But he just steamrolls through it. "Yeah, but you know what I mean," he says, grinning at his own cheekiness. He's so disgracefully forward you can't help but laugh along with him - Oh you are awful, Brandon! But joking aside, The Killers are the most commercially successful of all the bands he mentions.
Later, back at the rehearsal space, the band run through Sam's Town at deafening volume in preparation for the forthcoming tour - first the US, then the world. The infectious, almost contagious, chorus of When You Were Young sounds fabulous, as do the U2-like guitars and Twin Peaks synths of Read My Mind. Meanwhile, Smile Like You Mean It and Somebody Told Me benefit from the newfound harder edge.
They somewhat heavy-handedly underline the new direction by playing Paranoid by Black Sabbath and Get It On by T Rex. That's the thing: The Killers are not a subtle band. Their songs are like a wet kiss from a girl who's a bit too drunk. They are big and brash, and not everyone loves them for it. Mr Brightside and Somebody Told Me might go down as well at hip nightclubs as they do on the festival circuit, but the DJs play them with the same guilty look they wear when playing a pop record.
"I hate that," says Brandon. "Like writing a song you can hum somehow cheapens it? It makes me think of this quote by Morrissey. Everybody knows how he read Oscar Wilde, Keats and Yates when he was growing up and that he wanted to be a writer. He was talking to this journalist who asked why he hadn't become a writer, and Morrissey said: 'What I do is more powerful than what you do because I can write down these words and you get it to a melody. How can you beat that?' I'm of the same opinion. I don't understand why a good melody that's memorable is a bad thing."
Being dismissed as pop particular aggrieves Ronnie. "When we first came out we got compared to Duran Duran all the time. Jesus Christ! We got a keyboard player now all of a sudden he's Nick Rhodes! Come on!"
"The people who criticise us for being too poppy don't get it," agrees Mark. "I think that's the problem with a lot of rock music. People are afraid to write a song any more. Either that or they can't. And that attitude hurts music in general. The best bands ever have all written great songs. You can still do it and do it intelligently and it can be original. This isn't a studio creation with a producer writing these songs for us. We're not Avril Lavigne, or something like that. We're a real band writing real songs, just like a punk band would do, except that we write pop songs."
You get the impression that The Killers knack for showboating pop hooks that border on vulgar is inextricably tied up with the brazen side of Brandon's personality. But while his ebullient charisma, not to mention the songs themselves, mitigates his outrageousness, there is a less attractive side to his ego. He has a combative streak. He can't resist taking pot shots at emo bands, notably Fall Out Boy, whith whom The Killers share an A&R man.
Has he heard how many emo kids it takes to change a light bulb? "No." None. They just sit in the dark and cry. It's a full 30 seconds before he stops laughing. When he does he admits: "Yeah, we've had problems with other bands. You know, when you walk in the room it's like..." He whistles the theme to The Good, The Bad And The Ugly. "We're like gangs."
And while the other members of the band are diplomatic on the subject of Brandon, you don't have to read too deeply between the lines to conclude that there have been internal issues, too.
"Some people will think Brandon's the big genius," says Dave, visibly bridling. "There are songs, such as Why Do I Keep Counting?, where he's written every note. But there are others, like When You Were Young, that were more of a collaboration - like Mr Brightside, where I had some of the music and Brandon came up with the lyrics. We always have arguments about who wrote what. The truth is that we all help in that process."
When asked how success affected them, Ronnie says: "There were certain things that needed adjusting. When you're on tour for two years, people can get a little needy. It doesn't help that you're surrounded by yes men and everybody's working for you. At times we've had to say, 'Who do you think you are?' to people. No one wears the trousers, but some people would like to. I think if it wasn't for the people in the band kicking each other in the ass... Let's just say there was some ass-kickin'."
It doesn't take a genius to work out whose ass needed kicking most often.
+
It's the following day and The Killers are back at their rehearsal space. The topic of discussion is what to wear in the video for Bones, the second single. It's a big deal: the director is Tim Burton. "I feel like Frank Sinatra when I sing it," announces Brandon. "With maybe a little bit of Morrissey and a little bit of Elvis, too."
Of course he does. But if securing the services of Tim Burton tells you one thing, it's that The Killers are about to get even bigger, perhaps even make the leap to the same level as Coldplay et al. Already stars, they are about to become superstars. Brandon can hardly wait.
"Do you know that Rolling Stone didn't want to put us on the cover last time," he says indignantly. "They didn't think we were stars. We sold five million albums! What more do they want from a band?"
Whatever was required, Brandon would be happy to do most things. "I'll do stuff that some people don't want to do, 'cause I want people to hear the music," he says. However, even he has limits. "The Rolling Stone thing made the record label think: 'What can we do to make them stars?' If I go on vacation with my wife, do they have to send somebody to be there to take pictures of me? Is that how you become a star? I don't want that. I walked down the red carpet one time and I realised I don't like it. But you don't have to walk down the red carpet for people to hear your music. We do still have some of that indie blood running through our veins."
He heads off at a tangent: "When you walk around Liverpool, you think of The Beatles, or you go to Manchester and you think of The Smiths or Oasis. I want you to come to Las Vegas and think of Sam's Town. And I think we've started to capture that, which is a truer version of The Killers, 'cause that's where we're from."
He pauses.
"I used to live across the street from Sam's Town. Maybe it'll be like our Abbey Road where people go to take pictures."
Is that what he'd like?
"I wouldn't mind it," he says, desperately hoping it will come true.
He puts a cigarette between his lips, looks down at his trouser pockets and pats them in search of the lighter he bought yesterday.
"Hey, I don't suppose you've got one?"

When I was around 13 years old, I was a young stupid teenager, and hanging out with my friends, and we were all saying inflammatory things, and I said, "Yeah, if I turn 30, and I haven't accomplished anything, I'll probably just kill myself." It was an awful thing to say, and I can't believe I said it.
Well, I turned 29. I had probably close to 50 jobs, and had a complete discontentment with my life and civilization, and was contemplating suicide, and then I had a full-blown spiritual awakening, saw a vision of Jesus, God and Satan, and went through an immense dark night of the soul and personal transformation of the heart.
I just have this verse on my heart right now thinking about it, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits, [Psalm 18:21]" and it just reminds me of what I said when I was a teenager.
I know God heard that and knew that he wasn't going to let me die of suicide. He was watching me the whole time, and he cared about me, and he didn't want to lose me.
Three years ago, I was a 29-year-old man whose life had become defined by isolation. Once curious and engaged with the world in my youth, I had slowly withdrawn into myself from depression, retreating into the comfort of my room in my mother's house. My agnostic atheism left me without a guiding light, and the mundane realities of life, from my dozens of failed jobs to my ongoing struggles with addiction, weighed heavily on my spirit. I found solace instead in the company of strategy games and suffered deeply in the rabbit hole of conspiracies on the internet.
My addictions had become an ever-tightening grip on my life. I found myself reaching for cannabis, alcohol, video games, fast food, and pornography to fill the void that had grown in my heart over the years. My life had become a series of hollow habits, each one leaving me feeling emptier than before. I could no longer deny that something was deeply wrong.
One day, while browsing online, I stumbled upon a post that claimed Thoth, the ancient Egyptian deity of knowledge and wisdom, could help those who asked for his assistance. Intrigued, I wondered if reaching out to Thoth could provide me with the help I needed.
Weeks passed since reading the post, and as I stood in my shower, my thoughts drifted to the crossroads my life seemed to have come to. I asked myself why I was stuck in a cycle of self-destructive behaviors and why I felt such a profound sense of emptiness. The steam from the shower enveloped me as I said aloud, "Thoth, if you are real, I really need your help right now. I don't want to live like this anymore; I don't want to die yet." As I spoke the words, my hand moved from the side of my body, and then to my forehead and heart, while making a hand-sign and I felt at peace.
I was stunned, realizing the hand-sign I had made was eerily similar to ones I had seen in paintings of Jesus. I was stunned but felt an unusual calmness wash over me. As I dried off and dressed, I pondered what had just happened. I went to the full-body mirror in my room, looking at myself. I saw someone I no longer recognized, someone I no longer wanted to be.
Once more, I said, "Thoth, if you are real, will you help me? This isn't who I want to be anymore." I stared at myself in the mirror, and slowly a vision began to form in my eyes. It wasn’t Thoth I saw, but Jesus.
Jesus appeared with long brown hair, a brown beard, brown eyes, and light brown skin. Half of his face was illuminated by light, while the other half was cast in shadow. The vision of Jesus was so vivid that it left me both in awe and at peace. As the vision of him faded, I remember reaching out to him because I didn't want him to go, I could tell he was here to help.
As night fell, I lay in my bed, lost in deep contemplation. I revisited the events of the day, focusing on the vision of Jesus. The clarity of the vision was imprinted on my mind, and I couldn't shake the feeling that it held a deeper meaning. I pondered the nature of good and evil, and how they were intertwined in a complex dance of duality. I found myself questioning whether the traditional view of evil as something to be hated and shunned was truly the right approach. Instead, I began to entertain the idea that perhaps evil people and perhaps even evil itself, could be understood with compassion and empathy, instead of hatred and disgust.
As I continued to ponder, I experienced a peculiar sensation in my head. It was as though something shifted in the center of my brain, around the area of my third eye or pineal gland. There was a slight pop like a tearing or crunching sound, it was not painful, but surprising nonetheless. I then felt a fluid movement from the left hemisphere of my brain to the right hemisphere, using the third eye as a bridge or something. This shift brought me a sense of balance and calmness I had not felt before. I realized I had been living predominantly in the logical part of my brain, instead of emotional side.
As I embraced this newfound state of relaxation, I began to see another vision in my mind. This time, it was God who appeared. God had long white hair, a white beard, and wore white robes and sandals. Then God began dancing, moving with joy and lightheartedness.
Before I could fully process what I was seeing, another figure appeared alongside God. It was Satan, with red skin and horns. Satan seemed curious and playful, attempting to imitate God's dance moves with enthusiasm. The sight of these two seemingly opposing forces dancing together struck me as surreal.
As I watched them dance, I found myself smiling, and really enjoying the moment. Then, my mind wandered to the Russian squat dance, a thought that seemed to come out of nowhere. To my amazement, God began performing the Russian squat dance, his movements precise and fluid. I couldn't help but laugh. It was awesome and hilarious.
Slowly, they both faded away, leaving me in a state of awe and wonder. I realized that my third eye had opened, granting me access to a deeper level of perception and understanding.
I lay in my bed for a few moments, attempting to grasp the profound implications of the vision I had just experienced. The reality of the spiritual world was undeniable now. God, Jesus, Satan, and other spiritual beings were real, their presence deeply embedded within my new understanding. This stark realization overwhelmed me, and I felt an immense fear wash over me, it was like the Eye of Sauron was upon me, or the eye of Satan.
I began pacing frantically around my room, gasping for air as I tried to process the magnitude of my new awareness. My mind felt as if it were on the brink of shattering; I couldn't comprehend what was happening. The very foundation of my reality had shifted, leaving me teetering on the edge of my sanity.
Despite my racing thoughts and heart, I managed to steady myself using deep breathing techniques I had learned in the past from Wim Hof. My frantic pace gradually slowed, and I returned to my bed, trying to make sense of everything.
I deduced that the condition commonly known as schizophrenia might not be what people thought it was. Instead, it could be an individual's heightened sensitivity to the spirit world, a world most people never perceived.
As I lay in bed, still reeling from my panic, I suddenly saw a vision of Satan. He had red skin and horns, and spoke directly to me, expressing admiration for my deduction. Satan confirmed that what I thought was true: many people were speaking to demons, believing themselves to be schizophrenic. This deceptive world was, indeed, a harsh reality.
I tried to take in Satan's words, but a sensation of something being pulled out of me struck me. It felt as though my very soul was being drained from my body. My energy depleted rapidly, and I was overcome by a sense of impending doom. I lost control of my bodily functions, believing that I was moments away from death.
At the moment when I thought I was succumbing to death, I caught sight of an Easter lily I had bought earlier that day, sitting on my desk. The sight of the beautiful lily sparked a powerful desire to live within me. Fueled by a newfound will to survive coursing through me, I leaped out of my bed, and began pacing back and forth in my room once more, gasping for air.
As I walked, I experienced a series of visions featuring characters I admired and found inspiration from—Master Yoda from Star Wars, Aang from Avatar: The Last Airbender, and Neo from The Matrix. I realized that God had shown me these characters because they were a source of moral guidance and strength in my life.
My thoughts then turned to the physical pain I was experiencing. My awareness of the spirit world had heightened significantly, causing my brain to start heating up, and I felt a piercing pain and ballooning sensation near my right temple, which deeply concerned me.
Every time I had a thought, I could feel my brain stem wiggle and I would feel pain in my right temple, so I had to learn to still or quiet my mind. Recognizing that I needed to take action to cool my head and relieve the pain, with a sort of just knowing of what I had to do, I resolved to get a large bowl of ice water and head to the basement.
I quietly left my room so as not to wake my mother, who was sleeping in her room nearby, and ventured downstairs to the basement
At this point you could say I was "possessed" by spirits, Thoth, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I was able to rest my consciousness in my third eye, and the Holy Spirit, Thoth, or Jesus could help me and take move my body to keep me alive. There was no way for me to survive without help.
The holy spirit showed me a specific breathing technique to diffuse the energy in my brain by inhaling through my mouth deeply, and then exhaling through my nose in the water. The vibration of exhaling through my nose into the water would cause my brain to feel soothed for a little while, likely stimulating my vagus nerve too, and I believe it was doing something with the fluid in my brain. When I was able to not be at the water, I had to keep pressure on the center of my forehead to rest in my third eye so they could help me.
I remember pacing between the two sections of my basement, and Thoth was helping me breathe just to stay conscious. One half of the basement was bright with light with concrete floors, which is where the bowl of water was, the washer and drier, a sink, and four litter boxes. On the other side of the basement was dark with a carpeted floor and a wood fireplace. The basement's light was painted in the duality of light and dark.
I remained in the basement until the sun rose, soaking my head in icewater, and pacing back and forth between the dark and light rooms because i would become overly sensitive to one particular room, and I was just trying to breathe to stay conscious. I was battling the spirit of fear the entire night. The fear from my initial awakening and the fear of death over and over again, hundreds if not thousands of times.
I soaked my head in the ice water all night, getting momentary breaks from the water, and certain I was going to die hundreds of times from a brain hemorrhage, I stood on the hard pavement for hours, I remember Jesus was my legs at one point, I could feel him focusing through me to keep me standing. I continuously soaked my head in the ice water to combat the piercing pain and ballooning sensation in my right temple. Throughout the night, I heard voices speaking to me—some belonging to what I would call demons and others to angels.
The demons tried to instill fear in me, convincing me I was going to die. While the angels offered comfort and reassurance, telling me I would be okay. Despite the torment I endured, I found profound inner strength and refused to give up. I remember squeezing my Celtic cross necklace so hard during this time.
The sun rose on the second day, I had been awake all night, I was beyond exhausted. I don't remember all of the specifics of this time, my awakening was very traumatic, but several hours passed and I remember being told that I needed to grab a book and go outside down the street and sit by a tree. I refused, and Satan said, "Do you want to die?" I said "No," and grabbed a book and went outside and walked down the street to a tree and sat with my back leaned against it.
I read my book for about 10 minutes when two women carrying their babies in slings approached me, and asked me what I was reading. I told them the name of the book, Inner Engineering by Sadghuru, and they said that they were doing a prayer walk, and wanted to share the gospel message with me. I knew this was a divine appointment. This was meant to happen.
They shared the gospel message with me, and then offered to let me join their community of house churches, and gave me the number of one of their husbands so I could call and get connected with them.
I spent the rest of the day relaxing, but was unable to sleep and barely ate anything, and once the night fell, I was in the basement again, soaking my head in ice water. I would often get relief during the days when the sun was out, and then at night, it was a brutal spiritual battle all night in the basement where I was fighting for my life.
On the second day, I was in the kitchen, and I had the right side of my head in the ice water, and was moving my head up to breathe in through my mouth, and then I would tilt my head back down and exhale my entire breath out through my nose. I didn't know what I was doing, I was just listening to guidance from what I believe was the holy spirit.
After around 15-20 minutes of intense exhaling through my nose, a ton of white viscous liquid started coming out of my nose, and filling the bowl, it wasn't painful at all, it was a massive relief, and the excess fluid in my head was somehow being drained out. When the process was done, I remember I felt amazing, incredible actually, like my head was clear of all confusion, and I was so very much alive and conscious.
I went outside and was swinging a stick like a sword and having fun, and I think I got a little overzealous and jumped the fence behind my house, and started going on an adventure. After around 3-5 minutes though, the fluid started building back up, and I had to soak my head in a puddle to keep my brain cool. When I returned home, I went back to the water to soak my head. I still hadn't slept.
That night was brutal, and I was suffering badly, and I remember I was sitting on the dark side of the basement, but I had turned on the lamp. I was sitting on pillows, and I had just been soaking my head in the water. Satan then told me that in order to save the world, I would have to die by popping my third eye. I don't know why I believed him, I didn't have discernment at the time, and I was just following whatever guidance was coming my way, but I know that I had to do that to find my true strength.
I sat for a moment and contemplated. I grabbed a wooden walking stick that was nearby, and I moved it to my forehead, and pushed it into the center of my head as hard as I could until my arms literally gave out. I thought of my mom and sister, and I wanted the world to be free from suffering, but I wasn't meant to die that day. I cried very hard, and I learned that the human skull is very strong. I got up and went back to the ice water, and my forehead was numb.
Eventually, after three days and nights of this suffering, following the path God laid out before me, I reached my complete breaking point. I declared to the spirits that I had had enough. I was done soaking my head in ice water and I slowly and bravely removed my head from the bowl of water.
I was shivering so badly. These weren't just cold shivers, these were spiritual shivers, they shake you to your very core. I felt awful. Those who have been delivered will know what I am speaking about when I saw spiritual shivers. I spread out pillows on the floor, and lay down to rest. As I settled in, I pulled the blanket over me, and I remember I felt the comforting presence of Jesus, he was tucking me in.
I slept for just a few hours and awoke up early on Saturday morning. I remember my head hurt and it felt like the left side of my head was full of fluid. I grabbed the bowl of ice water, and this time, however, I decided to sit outside. The pain in my head was still excruciating, and I thought I might die.
My mother saw me outside, and concerned about my well-being, approached me to check if I was okay. I told her to call the ambulance because I needed help, and she quickly complied. When the paramedics arrived, they took me to the hospital, where I hoped I would receive the medical care I desperately needed, but that wasn't what was in store for me.
I got to the hospital, and the medical establishment, unfortunately, has no empathy or concern for people's mental sufferings. I asked them for water to drink because I was so dehydrated, and they wouldn't give me water.
Then, I got admitted to the hospital, and they finally gave me some juice and a snack, and I was starting to relax, but then a voice came into my head, it was Satan, and he made me think I needed to soak my head in the icewater again and expel the white viscous fluid again, so I started panicking a bit and had them bring me a bowl of ice water, and I began soaking my head.
They had probably never seen anything like what I was doing, and thought I was just crazy, because they basically came after me and tied me to the bed, and forcefully injected me with something to make me calm down or sleep, and then they didn't talk to me at all anymore throughout the night.
I am claustrophobic, so being tied down was absolute torture for me. They left me in the dark hospital room suffering all night, tied to the bed, thinking I was going to die the entire night, and then finally the sun rose on the horizon, and when the nurse came in to draw my blood in the morning, I asked them to request security to release me from the restraints. They have no empathy for people. Something is deeply wrong with the medical system.
Anyways, they finally sent me to an in-patient mental health clinic which is honestly just a warehouse for people to take meds, sleep, and eat, away from society. It was honestly a welcome respite, but there's no therapy available at these places. Which means no real internal healing is taking place for people suffering.
Once I got to the in-patient mental health clinic, I spent the first day mostly just relaxing, but there was a man there that was definitely possessed by a demon. He would be shouting a bunch of biblical verses about the kingdom of God, and a lot more, and then he would be on the floor the next, flailing around, being tortured by a demon. One of the other patients there told me he is being tortured by something, and I see what she means now.
I spent the rest of my time there recovering the best I could, and just taking the meds to calm down, and try to get some sleep, and spent time listening to people's stories. One of the girls there told me that the wound on my forehead from when I pushed the wooden staff into my forehead, looked like a cross, and she was right.
When I got out of the in-patient mental health clinic, I called the number that I had received during my three days and nights dark night of the soul.
I joined their community of house churches, and was studying the Bible with them for several months and meeting with them frequently, and I thought I had found my forever friends. We would go on prayer walks, and I was eventually baptized at a lake, and thought that I had a new life of faith waiting for me with new friends.
They were concerned about my well-being and cared about me, but a small part of me felt like I was being controlled by them too, like they wanted me to conform to all of their beliefs and everything in the Bible as fact, and the word of God, and I have always been very sensitive to manipulation since I was a child, and I could tell they were manipulating me. They never left room for me to be myself, and share my beliefs without condemnation, which is a major red flag.
Recognizing this, I distanced myself from them, and went on my own spiritual journey where I spent months conversing with the spirit world in my backyard. walking in circles. I spoke to God and Satan/Lucifer and was trying to come to understanding why Satan would reject God's will.
After some time, I realized I was just being tortured, and I needed help. I was suffering from a lot, and I needed deliverance. Satan had taken up a seat in my mind because I let him, and I had demons hurting me. I reached out to the Christian group again after several months of being distant from them, and they said there was an opportunity to move in with some Christian brothers and live with them, so I jumped on the opportunity. I was so excited. I was on fire for God.
I got to the house, and moved my stuff in, and then the night fell on the first night, and the enemy was not having it. The demons and Satan were not having it. They did NOT want me living with my brothers in Christ because they knew I was detached from all the boxes of thought control, and I was living in the spirit, wasn't a slave of mind or spirit. They wanted to destroy our relationship, between us, the brothers of Christ, and they did.
I don't remember the exact sequence of events, but I was entirely in the spirit at the time, I was detached from my body in a way, and just following the path laid out before me. I could feel that I needed to go outside and walk the neighborhood as a part of my spiritual path, so I left the house, and walked barefoot throughout the neighborhood.
While walking the neighborhood, I was in full spirit mode, I was communicating with God and Jesus, and they were guiding me on my path. I saw visions of them sitting beside a tree and trimming off rotten fruit, which I think was symbolic of them removing rotten fruit from my mind. I also saw them sweeping out a room and cleaning it, as if symbolic of my mind, and them cleaning my mind and purifying it. I also remember seeing a symbolic vision of myself holding up a golden gemstone encrusted goblet to God.
During that night, I declared war on the principalities of darkness. Against the forces of darkness. I saw skulls in the clouds, and could tell they were communicating with me as they are spirits of the air.
My feet were bloodied from walking around the neighborhood barefoot, I was completely lost all night, I was new to the neighborhood too, and had no idea where I was, so I wandered for hours throughout the night, so hungry, tired, and thirsty, and just physically and mentally exhausted, but I endured. That night made me realize how strong I really am when I let go of everything and trust in God. When I completely become the spirit instead of the body. The human body is incredible and capable of withstanding far more than we know.
Finally, I found my way to the house, and my footsteps were spilling blood on the front porch. The door was locked, and I knocked, and one of the brothers let me in, and I went to my bedroom. I couldn't sleep at all, my mind was very active, it was very similar to when I had my spiritual awakening, I was just unable to sleep because of how active my mind was. I spent the whole night awake.
The next day, I was suffering horrible spiritual attack, my head was in pain and I was holding my head just to feel comfortable, and one of the brothers called a friend of theirs to come and do a deliverance. I remember them being very bold, but gentle... firm, but kind to me, as they expelled some of the demons through prayer. It wasn't a painful deliverance or too exhausting, it was gentle by comparison. I felt much better after the deliverance, hungry and thirsty again, and wanted to nourish my body. I spent the rest of the day relaxing a bit, and listening to the other believers talk about the Bible, and their beliefs.
That night, I was delivered again, and it was awful. My brothers in Christ shouldn't have done the deliverance, but I don't know if I even would have made the rest of the night it if they didn't. I think the holy spirit guided them to do the deliverance, but it went out of control.
I was in my room, suffering deeply, holding my head, and all three brothers who lived there came up to my room to check on me, and pray for me. Their prayers turned into a full blown deliverance, and demons were screaming out of me for around half an hour straight. They were casting them out in the name of Jesus, but it was awful, it's one of my most traumatic memories. I was suffering so badly, and honestly I could tell the demons were suffering so badly, and my brothers in Christ had zero empathy for me.
After speaking with demons, the brothers wanted to speak with me again, so I came to, I asked them for water, and they denied me, and they just continued the deliverance without giving me a break. I had been suffering for around 45 minutes straight, with demons screaming out of me, and I was beyond exhausted, I was so dehydrated, and I just needed to stop. They didn't care, they kept going.
They kept shouting at these demons in the name of Jesus to leave, and eventually after another ten minutes, I realized, nothing was happening, we weren't getting anywhere, the demons weren't coming out, and they asked to speak with me again, and I came to the forefront and regained control, and tried talking to them, but they were gone. The demons had got into them somehow, and they were filled with hatred and revulsion for me. They all had the same facial expression of hatred and revulsion for me.
I went around the room and pleaded with them that it was me, but they didn't believe me, they were gone, checked out, I tried bringing up memories of what had happened between us that were specific to each person to bring them to understanding that it was me, and in fact not a demon speaking, but they thought I was a demon speaking.
They all grabbed ahold of me, and pinned me down on the bed, but I knew where this was going, the demons in them were going to flood me with fear and fill me with demons again, and I wasn't going to have that, I wasn't going to let them win.
I flailed out of their grasp, told them to get off me, and ran down the stairs and out of the house. I remember as I was running out, Satan told me, "You are the most free person on the planet."
I ran outside, and even the weight of my clothes felt like too much, I was panicking from the trauma of the deliverance and the attack from my brothers, and I stripped off all my clothes and ran down the alley way in the middle of the night and got away from the house.
There were no light, and no one around, and no one followed me, so I just ran down the alley way, and found an abandoned car to sit on for a few minutes until I got a message from God that it was time to go grab my clothes and put my clothes on.
I put my clothes back on, and started walking away from the house because I needed to get some air. That is when one of the other brother's in Christ, the one that I had called initially to join their community of house churches, was there. I think he was guided by the holy spirit to show up there that night.
Anyways, we walked back to the house, and when we got there, there was a cop car and an ambulance there. I guess the brothers had called for a wellness check on me. They wanted to bring me to the hospital to have me evaluated. I protested, but just wanted them to leave me alone, I went with them, and went to the hospital.
Much to no one's surprise, they did nothing for me at the hospital. They just put me in a room where I waited around for 6-8 hours, until I was finally released. I didn't go back to the brother's house though. When they offered me an uber, I went back to my mom's house. I wasn't going to live with them anymore after what they did to me...
A couple weeks passed and two of the brothers who did the deliverance called me, and wanted to schedule a time to meet up so they could minister to me. They came over to my house, and basically told me that I was still demon possessed, and made me feel like there was something wrong with me, and then when I confronted them and asked them if they had a problem with me, they lied to my face, and said that they didn't have a problem with me.
About a month passed and the last brother that was a part of deliverance contacted me and invited me to go to church with him. I told him how that experience made me feel, how I was claustrophobic from childhood trauma and that being pinned down by everyone was horribly traumatic, and he said, "Do you feel better now?" in a sarcastic tone. He completely dismissed how I felt, that hurt me badly.
I went to church with him once, but never went with him again, I also never reconnected with any of the other brothers, and then my life started to become very spiritual. God had a path of understanding laid out before me that most people will not tread.
I began to try to become friends with demons and minister to them and try to turn them to Christ. I had a lot of visions during this time, and I cried a lot. I would walk around my neighborhood and see visions of demons sitting on top of the apartment buildings.
When I would go home, I would have visions of demons in my basement, and would have to drive them out in the name of Jesus. I would speak to them too, and wait and listen for them to telepathically communicate with me.
I remember I was suffering badly though, and I needed to go to in-patient mental health again for help. I needed the meds and a place where I could rest and relax.
During my time there, I was communicating with a spirit named Jezebel, and during that time I was suffering very badly. I won't get into all of the details, but I was becoming friends with her, and we shared a deep laugh about something that I cannot remember anymore, but I remember the laugh. It felt so good to laugh after suffering so badly.
During my time while I was there I was seeing visions of my own death. I was seeing people suffering from demonic attack and spirits of confusion. They couldn't remember who they were, or who other people were.
I prayed for a woman to be delivered that night in her sleep, and the next day she was bright and fresh and happy, and doing so much better. God performed a miracle on her, and saved her. She was a normal person again after entering the hospital in a complete state of confusion. It was miraculous. I was honestly jealous, because I was suffering so badly, and she was delivered overnight in her sleep in a relaxed way, while my time had been so intense.
While I was there though, I was under heavy attack, but I pulled through, God pulled me through too, but when I got home, the journey wasn't over though. I was in a spiritual state for a while, and was seeing visions. I could rest in my third eye, and see the spirit world. It was exhausting, I saw a lot of demons, and had to drive them out in the name of Jesus.
Then one night, I was downstairs, and I was with Satan, Lilith, and a spirit calling itself Baal. I remember Baal was sitting in the middle in front of the fireplace, and Satan was to my left, and Lilith was to my right.
I don't remember what we spoke about, I just spent time with them, and I drank a beer with them, the air was heavy with demonic energy, and then I remember Lilith went over to Satan and kneeled before him, and grabbed him by the hand tenderly and asked him to turn away from his evil ways.
Satan neither accepted nor refused, and then I remember maybe 5 minutes passed and I was doing a full-blown deliverance on Lilith. I was praying for her, and I could see visions of her on the ground flailing around, it was awful, and I hope she is okay.
I don't know how long after that passed, but I was delivered many times during this phase. I was around demons a lot and they would get into me, and I would have to expel them out through vomiting, and it was excruciating.
Several months passed after that where I was okay, I spent months just relaxing and recovering, playing video games, smoking weed, and just relaxing. It was nice, but it wasn't the end of my journey.
My next journey was against Thoth. While he was a great help at the beginning of my spiritual awakening, he is not a perfect being like God, and he tried to overtake me. It's really hard to explain what he did, but he was viciously attacking me spiritually, and I sought help to go to the in-patient mental health clinic again. That was where I went when things got too spiritually charged. I had Medicaid, so I was able to go as needed.
They didn't send me to in-patient this time though, they sent me to a crisis pivot center, which is basically a residential house that is being used to treat people suffering from mental illness, where you can receive meds and sleep in a sort of half-way house between in-patient mental health and being back in the world at home.
Anyways, I was suffering grotesquely from Thoth, he is a VERY powerful entity, perhaps one of the strongest I have faced, and has been more cruel to me than even Satan, and I remember having a conversation with one of the people working there about how I had asked a false God at the beginning of my spiritual awakening for help to fix my life, and how that had caused a bunch of problems.
Eventually, I realized I was not receiving the care that I needed while at the crisis center, so I had them transfer me to hospital. All I wanted to do was sleep. I had been awake for days, and I just wanted sleep, so I was looking for Ambien when I went to the hospital, and that's what I got.
I remember they had admitted me to the emergency, but it was so full that every room was full, so they had me in the hallway, and I was just exhausted, and in a very tired state, but my third eye was opened, and I could sense spirits around me, and Satan, Lilith, and Jezebel were there for me that night.
They were hovering over my bed, and speaking to me telepathically, and asking me if I was okay, they were genuinely concerned for me, and wanted to know if I was okay. It was kind of shocking to be honest. These entities are not known for being nice in any way, but they were there for me that night, and God let them be there for me that night, instead of Jesus or someone else, which i find interesting.
This moment and seeing Lilith kneel before Satan made me realize that entities that we think are pure evil, are more dynamic than just evil. They may have evil in them, or have the ability to evil actions, but they can also be good and support others, like they did with me when I was in such an exhausted and vulnerable state after being delivered from Thoth.
I made it back home, and some time passed and I was in a very spiritual moment. My third eye was very awakened. It seems to happen in cycles. That night was a blizzard, and the air was heavy with demonic energy. This time it was the demiurge.
I remember I had dozens if not hundreds of demons in my room, and they were swirling above my bed, and I kept trying to lay down because I was so exhausted, and I kept being told to not lay down because I would squish a spirit, so I chose to not lay down.
I was whistling the avatar theme for the spirits to uplift them and make them feel better, and during this time I was being possessed by spirits. The room was heavy with spiritual energy.
So much happened that I don't want to get into, but it all lead to me being outside in the blizzard, in the snow storm, naked, and laying down in the snow. I had to be very cold for some reason while interacting with these demons, to keep them from overtaking me, and I remember I had to leave my house behind entirely.
My mom came outside before I left the house and I could feel demonic energy, evil spirits, all around her. There was a presence of wrath around her, and she was angry with me, because I had flooded the bathroom of the house while trying to get cold in the shower.
I left the house, there was a foot of snow on the ground, and I was naked and wandering down the street. I would check in with what I thought was God every once in a while to figure out what was happening with the demons in my bedroom.
For some reason when I would have a thought it would affect them in my room. That's really complicated to get into, and I don't understand it, but regardless, I wandered down the street and around the corner, and that is when the police got me.
They handcuffed me, and put me in the back of the police cruiser, and I remember telling God that the Matrix has me. The police called an ambulance, and they came to get me, I remember they transferred me to the ambulance, and they covered me with blankets, but I didn't want to be warm, I didn't have any control over this situation.
My body started to shut down, and I was struggling to even breathe, and that's when the demiurge appeared. They started speaking to me, and controlling my body to keep me breathing, and that's when I submitted to them, thinking that I was on my own, and God had abandoned me. I told them to fill me with demons, and that I would become a demon lord.
As I would breathe, I could feel demons entering me, spirits. When I got to the hospital, I was possessed by a lot of spirits, and my body was in agony. It's very hard to explain what it feels like, but just imagine discordant energy in your body that makes you feel awful, and physically hurts.
I struggled the entire night, and was in absolute agony. After 6-8 hours I was recovered and feeling better, they had admitted me to the hospital at this time, so I was able to rest in a room and eat plenty of food and recover.
My experience with the demiurge was really traumatic though, but that wasn't the end of my experiences with him.
... to be continued...

So my mum treats me like crap, never celebrates my life, not interested in being positive towards me etc yet for my milestone bday she claims to want to spoil me.
She’s trying to force a birthday dinner and gives me the option of a few dates that suit my brother (the golden child) to have a family dinner. She acts like a total different person around them and at this point I’m really not interested in playing happy families as my mum can’t even treat me decent alone in her presence so I tell her I’m not interested in the fuss.
She didn’t let it go so I gave her and dad the option to come see me on my actual birthday for morning tea/dinner and they say they aren’t doing that even though they have no plans but I can drive that same distance to my brothers where we can all meet. The whole point was I wanted to know she genuinely wanted to celebrate me on that day and it’s not for show. The fact she’s unwilling to make the effort feels like it proves my point.
Now she’s trying to turn it on me saying I’m being difficult and excluding and anti -family
I feel like I should stand my ground on this but I’m looking for other opinions. My dad is controlled and he’s not willing to fight her so I don’t expect that.

IM SORRY - I didn’t build my computer from scratch but you all may know what’s wrong with it 😭
Last year in August I bought myself a computer costing me around 3.5k for my birthday. A couple months in, the computer, my headphones, keyboard and mouse would turn on with all the fancy lights but would not generate power to my monitor.
It was tested at the place I bought it, and they deduced that it was faulty ram (ram light was flashing)
It was replaced and I got it back and it was working mostly fine - sometimes I would start it up and if I tried to open something too quickly my computer would restart.. I thought that was kinda normal? I don’t know..
Anyways just yesterday it is having problems with the ‘ram’ again. No power to my monitor and it needs to go in for repair again.
Im thinking there has to be something else in the computer that is making the ram faulty? There’s no way 2 rams they put in are both faulty. Right? I bought the PC from a respected PC building company in Australia. I play lots of games but don’t really have any idea about computers.
Anyone have anything like this happen?

I was a homeschooled only child, raised in a QAnon/conspiracy theorist household. It was just a recipe for disaster, and I’ve slowly been trying to put the pieces together to figure things out.
I kind of thought things were going okay, but covid is what really made my world crumble. Out of everything, I think watching my parents turn into doomsday anti-vaxxers was the most devastating thing I’ve ever endured. I had to hide my covid vaccinations from them because my mom threatened to disown me if I “took the mark of the beast.” My dad thinks it’ll turn people into government controlled zombies. I have no other family, and honestly no strong friendships because I was isolated my entire childhood.
I grew up a huge fan of contemporary Christian music, and having so many of my favorite artists spiral into similar ideologies as my parents made me feel so alone. I won’t name anyone directly, but several have said or posted hurtful things regarding LGBTQ rights, and people like me who still choose to mask up out of caution for covid. One artist I especially loved changed the lyrics and made a mockery of Amazing Grace when I saw him in concert in 2022. He said “since we were in good old Florida, he knew he could get away with it.”
(Trigger warning honestly if you don’t want the song ruined for you)
He sang “My mask is gone, I’ve been set free” and a bunch of other altered verses making fun of anyone who still cared about the pandemic. I felt excruciatingly uncomfortable sitting there in the first couple of rows, the only person in the crowd in a mask. The same artist has also posted stuff endorsing toxic purity culture and also anti-trans things.
He’s not the only one. I’ve really started having a tough time separating the artists from the music. I know of a couple who’ve posted some more inclusive things which is nice, but overall the CCM industry has really been giving me the ick lately. Not only that, but my old church as well.
I stopped attending church shortly before 2020. I’m honestly thankful for that because several of my old “Bible study” friends have become versions of themselves I hardly recognize. Maybe I was just oblivious to it at the less politically charged time, but gosh. I moved away so I haven’t seen them in about 5 years, but I’m still friends with them on Facebook and it’s insane how many seem to have become QAnon/conspiracy theorists like my parents. They were normal in high school, at least I thought they were, so what happened?
I’ve thought about looking for a new church, but I’m not sure if I’m ready yet. I used to pray and worship and read scripture all the time, but now I’m ashamed to say it all feels like a chore. I’m terrified of losing my relationship with God, but I don’t feel authentic in my faith like I used to. Because I’ve been hurt by the people who used to encourage me in my faith, that pain has radiated its way into who I am today: someone who doesn’t know how to feel like myself, because I don’t even know who she is anymore.
I cringe listening to my old favorite worship songs. I want to feel that love for my faith again, but I can’t stop associating it with the insanity I’ve been subjected to.
As a teenager I pledged to “save my first kiss for my wedding day,” and that was something I was honestly happy with, until last year when I realized how absolutely deranged that concept was. Sure, don’t even kiss a man until you’ve signed a lifetime contract promising to never leave him for any reason whatsoever. Oh yeah, and while you’re at it make sure you’re submissive to him in everything because he’s “the head of the household.”
I’m now 27 and still have never had a boyfriend, still haven’t kissed anyone. I’ve been on about 5 dates with men. The first one, I was 21 years old. He was from my Bible study, the one I mentioned earlier. He asked me for nudes after our one and only date and wouldn’t stop pressuring me to send them, even after I told him about my then-delusion of no kissing til marriage. I never gave him any thankfully.
I also didn’t go on another date with anyone until I was 25. I had ONE date to my name at the age of 25, because the one time I trusted a “nice boy from church,” he pulled that stunt and I was revolted.
The second guy I went out with, he was really nice but I just didn’t have feelings for him, which made me guilty for some reason. I don’t think I was ever taught growing up that it’s important to feel a connection with a guy, you’re just expected to take what you can get. We only had that one date. The third guy just wanted a hook up, and I was still hooked on purity culture so it went nowhere.
I didn’t have feelings for the fourth and fifth guys either. I only went out with them because they asked me, and out of loneliness and being too guilty to say no, I talked to them for longer than I should have, wasting everyone’s time.
Now I’m in a weird place where I feel like I need to figure myself out more before I try inviting someone in. But I’m 27, and feel “over the hill,” especially as someone with virtually zero real romantic experience. I definitely don’t want my first kiss to be at the alter, but at the same time I’m conflicted on how the heck to feel comfortable with the idea of gasp having sex outside of marriage. I don’t even know when it would feel “okay.” Is six months into a relationship decently enough? Is that too long to find out if we’re incompatible? I was taught nothing so I’m feeling lost. And it’s hard to keep suppressing my forced tendency of “even holding a man’s hand is cheating on your future husband!”
This post was a little all over the place, but I guess what I’m trying to ask is how do I cope with the loss of who I thought I was? How do I get comfortable with who I am now? I’m horrified at how long I subscribed to my parents’ beliefs without questioning anything. I just adopted any and everything I was told, and it created a clueless, confused adult.

TLDR: I feel like I’m being treated cruelly by my boyfriends parents but he dismisses it as them just looking out for him. Looking for advice on how to broach the subject with him
My boyfriend (23M) still lives with his parents (40s-50s?) for context, I (24F) live in his city for university away from my family.
When I got into a relationship with my boyfriend in October I was introduced to his parents by the end of the month. We used to spend at least every other day there and I felt close to his parents. When my mum had cancer his family supported me, one of the last times I saw his mum she was talking about getting him a more comfortable mattress so that I could sleep over.
My boyfriend has been mentally ill since before I started dating him. I encouraged him to speak to his parents about it so that he would have a bigger support network and my impression of his parents made me think this would be a big help in his recovery. However, because he made them aware of his mental health issues when he was going out with me, and the easiest issues for him to talk about were insecurities about me (that were irrational, things like me not loving him when I am extremely physically and verbally affectionate), they immediately started blaming me for the decline in his mental health and I was iced out pretty quickly and am no longer welcome in their house. This was a really stark difference from our previous closeness, I had been present at all family nights, invited for dinner, invited for birthdays, etc. so at first I chalked it up to being an easy scapegoat and that this would pass as they came to terms with their sons mental health issues. I believed that part of this would be denial as a huge part of his mental health problems that existed long before me is his lack of fulfilment about where he is in life (regrets about career, education, lack of independence, feeling lost) which they contributed to.
Now it has been months, they are vocal and controlling about wanting him to break up with me, his mum makes a fuss when he comes to mine, etc. I feel like they have villanised me to the point they no longer see me as a human being with feelings. My boyfriend tells me that they don’t hold any hatred towards me, only that they see me as “damaging”.
My boyfriend has done his fair share of damaging things to me and my mum still treats him with compassion and empathy. He tore his tendon punching a hole in my shower and my mum had him over at ours the next night, as I had went home that day after immediately forgiving him and going to the hospital with him. He spoke to his ex for a week in secret, which he knew was a boundary for me as I had previously asked him to block her multiple times, confiding in her about me, and I only found out because he came to me for sympathy about the possibility that she may have cheated on him, I saw holes in his story and he didn’t realise iMessages could be recovered. He is still welcome in my home and our relationship is supported by my mum. This is because we see him for who he is, not his mental health issues that are making him act up.
However, I have never even received so much as a “hi” from them when he visits me. I have never been treated with such little compassion by people I thought I was close to. Despite how long me and my boyfriend have been together, I am really serious about him and see him as long-term. I am ready to be with the man I am going to marry and would not waste my time on someone who I thought wasn’t him, I see these people as my future in-laws which makes this hurt even more. They have never given any thought as to how I might have felt watching my partners mental health plummet, when my shared rental shower was destroyed, when I had to postpone my exams following the mental breakdown that ensued when I found out about the week long secret conversation with his ex that reeked of cheating 2 days before my first, when I was isolated by the people I thought were my family away from home. I feel demonised and dehumanised.
To blame me for all of this has been awful, for both me and my boyfriend. The cognitive dissonance it has caused has affected both of our mental health problems greatly, and the “volatility” his mother accuses me of sounds like a much bigger trait in her than in myself from what my boyfriend has told me. Her treatment of him growing up is what has caused him to be such an awful communicator. Their home environment is highly unhealthy, it is a high emotional effective environment, characterised by hostility, critical comments, and emotional over-involvement which predicts depressive episodes and relapse.
We have discussed moving out together as we agree that the push and pull is going to destroy our relationship, which they are highly against and are actively trying to talk him out of it. He would be moving 5 minutes away and this would have no financial implications on me if we were to break up and is for a year maximum so it seems very low risk. It will also tell us whether I can move with him to university next year so will determine the next 4 years of our lives. He was very excited about this at first, but when he spoke to them, he changed his mind and couldn’t give me a straight answer until he got them on side. He is now saying that he will do it regardless but I am apprehensive now as I cannot see a future with someone whose family views and treats me like this, and with him allowing it. They have offered alternatives such as him moving to the city he will go to university in early, but have never mentioned anything resembling making amends with me.
My boyfriend dismisses all of this as “they are just worried for my (his) mental health”, but I am deeply hurt by this treatment. I don’t even know if I’m in the right for feeling like this so I have absolutely no idea how to broach this topic with him. I am looking for advice in doing so. How do I talk to him about this?

Shoutout sa mga kaklase ko nung elementary.
It was my 11th birthday. Ineexpect ko na pupunta kayo sa araw na ‘yun. Kayo pa ang nag insist and nagtanong kung ano handa ko sa birthday ko kasi nga pupunta kayo. Pero nung mismong araw na yun at naghanda ako para sa inyo, wala man lang pumunta ni isa. Well, actually meron. Apat. Pero parang napipilitan lang at nagmamadali pang umalis. Kitang kita ko sa mata ng lola ko yung disappointment dahil siya ang punong abala sa paghahanda. Pilit kong inaalala kung naging masama ba ako sa inyo and never kong naalala na naging ganun ako sa inyo.
Until then, di na ako naghanda sa bday ko. Di na rin ako nag invite. Di na rin ako naging pala-bati sa mga taong may birthday. Sobrang pili na lang. Nagkaroon ako ng social anxiety and trauma.
So thank you sa inyo.

I feel like an ungrateful asshole writing this, and id never EVER express this to her directly, but she keeps trying to be helpful but keeps ruining my things in the process.
I used to live alone but moved home recently because my father was experiencing some mental health issues and my mom has physical health issues. Im very close with both of them & was having trouble making ends meet alone, so when they invited me to move home (under the agreement i act as a person assistant/housekeepechef in return for room/board) i happily took it. (To clarify i also work an actual job).
Anyway, my mom keeps trying to surprise me by doing little favors/chores for me to lighten my workload but keeps either creating more work for me by doing it wrong or straight up ruining my things. I know it’s not intentional, she always feels really bad when it happens and apologizes like crazy, but oh my god im going insane.
Twice now she has washed my work coat without asking (as a surprise favor!) and has accidentally ruined electronics i had in the pockets. Like i can’t get mad because she’s sorry, but like.. those are expensive!!
The first time i was like “hey i appreciate it, But u really don’t have to do that! I can totally take care of my own laundry. I really do appreciate it, but the reason is, i always have things in my pockets and i always go through them before i wash anything. Plus i like to spot treat stains..”
Well, she did it again! and i kinda just politely reiterated what i said the first time, but I’m secretly seething because i also insinuated that i would appreciate her replacing the ruined items (or at least reimburse me for damages) but she was like “no :) it really shouldn’t have been kept in your pockets to begin with :) Not my fault :)”
And of course I just let it go because she’s mentally very fragile and takes everything so personally and falls apart at the slightest wiff of anger towards her, but like… im literally one small inconvenience from absolutely losing my shit and screaming at her not to touch my things ever again!
Its unbelievable. It’s like she’s the child and im the adult..it’s like i can’t get mad at her the same way you can’t get mad at a baby for fucking things up because they’re still learning.. but shes NOT A BABY shes almost 55.. it’s like she can’t seem to grasp how to do things outside of her scope of duties (most of which I’ve overtaken) and is slowly losing her ability to do anything at all!
Im just.. getting really frustrated. i want my broken things back, or at least just the money to replace them. That’s all.. :/

We may be anonymous strangers on the internet, but we have one thing in common. We may be a world apart, but we're here together!
Welcome to the 24 hour pledge!
I'm pledging myself to not drinking today, and invite you to do the same.
Maybe you're new to /stopdrinking and have a hard time deciding what to do next. Maybe you're like me and feel you need a daily commitment or maybe you've been sober for a long time and want to inspire others.
It doesn't matter if you're still hung over from a three day bender or been sober for years, if you just woke up or have already completed a sober day. For the next 24 hours, lets not drink alcohol!
This pledge is a statement of intent. Today we don't set out trying not to drink, we make a conscious decision not to drink. It sounds simple, but all of us know it can be hard and sometimes impossible. The group can support and inspire us, yet only one person can decide if we drink today. Give that person the right mindset!
What happens if we can't keep to our pledge? We give up or try again. And since we're here in /stopdrinking, we're not ready to give up.
What this is: A simple thread where we commit to not drinking alcohol for the next 24 hours, posting to show others that they're not alone and making a pledge to ourselves. Anybody can join and participate at any time, you do not have to be a regular at /stopdrinking or have followed the pledges from the beginning.
What this isn't: A good place for a detailed introduction of yourself, directly seek advice or share lengthy stories. You'll get a more personal response in your own thread.
This post goes up at:

• US - Night/Early Morning
• Europe - Morning
• Asia and Australia - Evening/Night

A link to the current Daily Check-In post can always be found near the top of the sidebar.
WARRIORS, COME OUT AND PLAY-YYY!
In "Courage" P!nk opines perfectly: "I'm walking uphill both ways it hurts, I bury my heart here in this dirt, I hope it's a seed I hope it works. Don't have to do this perfectly." Then she asks something we've all felt deep down inside when facing many big life changes: "Have I the courage to change today?"
I want to talk about pride vs being prideful today. A lot of "biblical scholars" love to talk about queer pride like being proud is a sin. There's a marked difference between the two. Being proud of who you are is a HUGE thing. It takes some serious cojones to flip the middle finger to the establishment and say "screw you I'm gonna be the best me ever!" I've been the recipient of hate for both my queer status and my sobriety even!
Being proud of my queerness and my sobriety to me isn't about being better than literally anyone, that is what the pride sin really is about. It is simply about being better than myself yesterday. Being proud of both those aspects of my life is because I was killing myself slowly with booze-fueled denial which was literally declining my health. I'm now fully present in my life, living every day as the woman I should have been living as my whole life, and so damn sober that even caffeine has an effect again!
I'm proud as hell of the things I've accomplished, but because I put in the work to get there. Over two years of being out of the closet and 14 months sober does not happen without a strong will or desire for change for the better. I took a huge leap of faith getting on HRT, I took almost equally as big of a leap getting sober. I had to go on blind faith that these things would work in my favor. The multitude of ways that my life has improved would take a year of DCIs to cover. I could literally write a book on the subject from the three volumes of journaling I've done to date.
Today I'm truly happy to feel healed from the breakup of my marriage enough to just miss the small aspects of it. It's more the feeling alone in bed at night than anything. But I'm living my life being the most alive, and I'm battling on my own...something I never did before. I'm happy to have all of this time out of the closet and sober. I'm happy to be alive and finding my purpose on this planet.
I also want to shout out u/nitram6119 for the glorious humanity check yesterday. I needed that more than words can even express, thanks friend! Thanks to all who gave support and uplift yesterday with my battles as well.
Tonight, Boston faces elimination again and I'll be watching with all my BostonBruins family in the GDT, who got to witness my rock bottom firsthand during a gameday thread in January 2022.
Question of the Day: What made you happy before getting sober that you discovered you love more now that you're sober. For me, it's watching hockey. NHL, PWHL, college, doesn't matter. Hockey is brutal and violent and a grind and I love watching the flow.
IWNDWYT!

anyone else feel like this? feeling like you’re the least liked friend, the unimportant friend, that none of your friends actually care about you. you find out information about social gatherings last and it doesn’t feel like your friends really want you there. i know we’re all adults and our spouses/partners/kids etc are the main priority and main focus and i don’t expect anyone to like hang out or talk to me every single day but idk.
i’m going to a wedding this weekend as a guest for my friend. her, along with 2 others, and myself had this friend group and i found out on accident that one of the friends is a bridesmaid and im not. i’m not super upset about it, because i live out of state, but i can’t help but wonder why no one told me? it’s almost like it felt like a secret. and now tonight, i asked my friends what hotel they’re staying in and they said they got an airbnb instead. and then my friend who’s getting married said “all the bridesmaids got an airbnb and you’re more than welcome to come hangout if you want to”. idk why but this hurt me. my friend said she thought she told me but i feel like that was just a pity lie. i want to talk to her about it but she’s getting married this weekend and i dont want to put all this stress on her. and at the same time it doesnt feel like she even cares that much about me so whats the point of bringing it up.
i might be overthinking this or feeling sorry for myself but idk. why am i never anyone’s favorite person? why is no one ever excited that im going to an event or being excited to invite me to an event? i try to remember that everyone has their own life and etc but im just so sick of feeling like the least liked friend. i just need some advice because this really bummed me out

Can't you just DM the birthday person instead of telling all your followers about it. What do you gain from it?

Hi there! My bf will be turning 40 next month and we are spending his birthday in Buxton. Does anyone know of any bakeries that can provide a personalized birthday cake?

So everything has been great between us. Invited her to my brothers wedding, where she met my parents and some of my family. While taking a ride in town, I joked and said "I never want to get married". I guess she really took it to heart and was upset about it.
That was in March. My lease ends in my apartment soon, so I floated the idea of just moving in with her at her new home. I pretty much go there all the time anyways, since she has a dog that is not allowed at my place. I said it a few times about moving in, which would help her out and me out. Didn't hear anything so didn't want to push her.
Finally, I had to let the apartment complex know I was either staying or leaving since I have to give a 60 notice. I once again asked, and that is when she called me.
She basically said she wants to settle down and have a family soon since she is getting older (just turned 40), and its really important to her. I told her I wasn't really thinking about marriage right now, but maybe in the future. We have only been together since August of last year. Then she told me we both wanted different things and we should take a break from each other.
I really like this girl and I don't know what to do. I have child with another woman (he's almost 15) and I think the whole going to court for Child Support with him, and all the drama with his mother scares me to have another right now. Is that a bad thing? My friends say I should get her a promise ring, but I remember that being something we did when we was in our teens. I sent her flowers the other day and she liked those.
I told her lets discuss everything in person, and she agreed to dinner at the end of this week. I really could see myself marrying this girl, but I just think its too soon since we have only been dating for less than a year. Maybe I am wrong. I have been feeling broken all week. I know I'm not getting any younger myself. Just seeking advice on what would be the best course of action here.
Like should I do a really long engagement. Or stop being such a baby and marry the girl already.

Hello, everyone!
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Introduction
Are you tired of drowning in piles of paperwork and endless spreadsheets to manage your company’s HR processes? It’s time to bid farewell to these outdated methods and say hello to the world of HR management software! With technology revolutionizing the way we work, companies are increasingly turning to automated solutions to streamline their human resources operations. Let’s dive into the myriad benefits that come with utilizing HR management software in your organization.
Enhanced Efficiency and Productivity
In today’s fast-paced business environment, time is of the essence. That’s where HR management software steps in to streamline processes and boost productivity. By automating repetitive tasks like employee onboarding, leave requests, and performance evaluations, teams can focus on more strategic activities.
With a centralized database for all HR-related information, searching for employee records or updating payroll details becomes a breeze. This not only saves time but also reduces the likelihood of errors that manual data entry may incur.
Efficiency is further enhanced through features like task tracking and reminders which ensure that deadlines are met promptly. Managers can easily monitor progress and allocate resources accordingly without the hassle of constant follow-ups.
Using HR management software translates into a more efficient workflow and increased output from employees across all levels of the organization.
Improved Data Management and Security
In today’s digital age, data is a valuable asset for companies. HR management software plays a crucial role in improving data management and security within organizations. By centralizing all employee information in one secure platform, companies can ensure that sensitive data is protected from unauthorized access or breaches.
With features like role-based access controls and encryption protocols, HR software enhances data security measures to safeguard confidential information. This not only protects the company’s reputation but also ensures compliance with stringent data protection regulations.
Moreover, the automation capabilities of HR software reduce manual errors in data entry and processing, enhancing overall accuracy and reliability of employee records. This streamlined approach to managing data minimizes the risk of inconsistencies or inaccuracies that may occur with traditional paper-based systems.
Investing in HR management software not only improves operational efficiency but also strengthens data security practices within companies.
Better Decision-Making with Analytics
In today’s fast-paced business environment, making informed decisions is crucial for the success of any company. HR management software offers a valuable tool in this regard by providing access to insightful analytics. By analyzing data on employee performance, engagement levels, and training outcomes, decision-makers can gain a deeper understanding of their workforce.
With the help of analytics tools integrated into HR software, managers can identify trends and patterns that may not be apparent through manual tracking methods. This allows for proactive decision-making based on real-time information rather than relying on gut instinct alone. From predicting future staffing needs to assessing the impact of new policies or initiatives, data-driven insights empower leaders to make strategic choices that drive positive outcomes for the organization.
Furthermore, by leveraging predictive analytics capabilities within HR software, companies can anticipate potential challenges and opportunities before they arise. This foresight enables proactive planning and risk mitigation strategies that enhance overall business resilience. Better decision-making with analytics is a key benefit of using HR management software that empowers organizations to thrive in an increasingly competitive landscape.
Enhanced Employee Experience
When it comes to creating a positive work environment, employee experience plays a crucial role. HR management software can significantly enhance the overall employee experience within a company. By streamlining processes such as leave requests, performance evaluations, and training programs, employees can focus more on their work rather than administrative tasks.
Furthermore, with features like self-service portals and mobile access, employees have greater autonomy over their information and interactions with the HR department. This leads to increased transparency and communication between employees and management.
Moreover, personalized dashboards provided by HR software allow employees to track their performance goals, view feedback from managers, and easily access relevant company policies. This level of empowerment contributes to higher job satisfaction and engagement among employees.
In addition, automated reminders for important dates like birthdays or work anniversaries demonstrate that the company values its employees’ contributions. These small gestures go a long way in fostering a sense of belonging and appreciation within the organization.
Cost Savings
One significant benefit of using HR management software in companies is the potential for cost savings. By automating various HR processes, such as payroll, benefits administration, and recruitment, organizations can streamline operations and reduce manual errors.
With efficient workflows and integrated systems, businesses can save both time and money that would otherwise be spent on labor-intensive tasks. Additionally, by centralizing data storage and access through the software, companies can avoid duplication of efforts and minimize administrative overhead costs.
Furthermore, improved compliance with regulations and standards facilitated by HR software helps mitigate legal risks that could result in costly penalties or lawsuits. By ensuring accurate record-keeping and adherence to policies, organizations can safeguard themselves against financial liabilities.
Investing in HR management software not only enhances operational efficiency but also contributes to long-term cost savings for businesses of all sizes.
Scalability and Flexibility
Scalability and flexibility are essential factors for any modern company looking to thrive in a dynamic business environment. HR management software provides the flexibility to adapt to changing needs as a company grows. Whether it’s adding new employees, departments, or locations, the software can scale seamlessly without disrupting operations.
The ability to customize features based on specific requirements allows companies to tailor the software to meet their unique needs. This level of adaptability ensures that the system remains relevant and efficient over time. Additionally, cloud-based solutions offer even greater flexibility by allowing access from anywhere at any time.
Scalable HR management software empowers businesses to expand globally without worrying about logistical challenges. With automated processes and centralized data storage, managing a diverse workforce becomes more manageable. Embracing scalable solutions not only future-proofs your HR operations but also enhances overall organizational efficiency.
Conclusion
In today’s fast-paced business world, HR management software plays a crucial role in streamlining operations and enhancing overall efficiency. From improved data management to cost savings and scalability, the benefits of using HR software are undeniable.
By leveraging technology to automate processes, companies can boost productivity, make informed decisions with the help of analytics, and create a better employee experience. With enhanced security measures in place, organizations can also rest assured that their sensitive data is protected.
Investing in HR management software is not just about staying competitive; it’s about setting your company up for long-term success. So why wait? Embrace the power of technology and take your HR operations to the next level today!

We talk about passwords a lot (common passwords and password strategies) but we don't talk about pins as much.
This week on his podcast Steve Gibson talked a little about pins. Here are the show notes. He cited a summary of 3.4 million real-world (leaked?) 4-digit pins plotted in graphic form with first 2 pin digits on horizontal axis (scaled 0 to 99) and 2nd 2 digits on the vertical axis (also scaled 0 to 99) as shown in this graphic
The bright colors are more frequent. You can see a bright diagonal line, which means people are prone to making the 3rd and 4th digits a repeat of the first and 2nd (for example 4747). And the brightest points on that diagonal line are where all 4 digits are the same like 0000, 2222, 7777, 8888. And also 6969.
There is also a bright horizontal line with vertical values 19 or 20 representing years (probably birth years) with the highest concentration being around 1965 to 1990.
And there's a bright horizontal rectangle between 1-12 on the vertical axis and 1-31 on the horizontal axis probably representing mostly birthdays in form MMDD. And a ligher vertical rectangle between 1-12 on horizontal axis and 1-31 on vertical axis representing birthdays in the form DDMM
But the real kicker, out of those 10,000 possible 4 digit pins, the top 20 most-common pins (0.2%) make up 27% of pins in the set. Those top 20 are: 1234 0000 7777 2000 2222 9999 5555 1122 8888 2001 1111 1212 1004 4444 6969 3333 6666 1313 4321 1010.
There are a variety of pin applications with different requirements. But using something like a birth year or birt day probably isn't a good idea. You could generate a random numeric pin using the bitwarden password generator and unchecking everything except for digits. You may want it to be memorable though. People may have a variety of ways to come up with memorable numbers...
I'll share one way to come up with memorable pin numbers (or at least re-creatable, as long as you remember the seed word):

1. Come up with a word that has the same number of letters as your desired pin.
2. Convert every letter to a number by its position in the alphabet (A=1, B=2... Z=26)
   • For example if your letter is L that corresponds to 12
3. Multiply the number by 3 (*)
   • same example, 3*12 = 36
4. Take the last digit, that is your pin digit.
   • same example, last digit of 36 is 6
5. Put all the pin digits together

That procedure maps the letters to numbers as follows:

• A=3
• B=6
• C=9
• D=2
• E=5
• F=8
• G=1
• H=4
• I=7
• J=0
• K=3
• L=6
• M=9
• N=2
• O=5
• P=8
• Q=1
• R=4
• S=7
• T=0
• U=3
• V=6
• W=9
• X=2
• Y=5
• Z=8

As you can see it spreads the 26 letters out over the 10 digits pretty well (there are 4 digits assigned 2 characters each and 6 digits assigned 3 characters each).
As an example if my word is WARDEN, then my pin would be 934252
(*) You could use the same procedure multiplying by 7 (instead of 3), and the 26 letters would again spread out pretty well over the 10 digits... but the multiplication is a bit harder.
It's not great from an entropy perspective. A 6 digit random pin represents one of a million possible 6 digit pins, but my 6 digit example could be derived from one word "warden" which is probably among the 8000 most common words. But personally I take a little bit of credit for obscurity of the method (at least until I posted in on reddit, whoops) ... and more importantly it's memorable /recreatable and sometimes that factors into the decision.
Take it or leave it, it's just a thought.

As the title states, this is a tale of two troubles.
Trouble 1: my anxiety and my anger issues have a fun time making my actions get a little quirky.
Trouble 2: there’s a girl involved in all of this and I want to be her boyfriend but I don’t want to scare her.
Here’s the background: I’m a plain and simple guy for the most part. I do a little bit of comedy, I’m a musician, and I’m very clingy when I find someone that I can boast of how they make me feel safe/happy. In more recent times, this girl and I have been avoiding each other after we had a few falling outs. It’s hard to think about, but it’s constantly on my mind. When we first met, it was because she was doing some work for me as a thumbnail artist. We go to the same school, so I’d pay her after classes. Eventually we fell for each other and she wanted me to take her out on a date. I prepared everything, I made sure to ask friends how they did things so I could compare and contrast how things could go for me.
A day or two goes by and then we’re in a situation where we are linking arms and being goofy (it’s in our natures), I felt confident enough to share some candy with her, and so I did. She appreciated the gesture, but then later she texted me saying she didn’t want to move forward with things and so she was going to take a few days to process. She didn’t say she wanted to move backwards, but in my head and in my heart; it felt like she wanted to be as far from me as possible (I suppose that was my anxiety?). I couldn’t bear it and so I was profusely trying to revive things when I kept kicking myself about it.
Eventually, time passes and she reaches out again to try and test the waters. Things go well at first; but then something happened to my grandfather and I was constantly sitting down at random places trying to hold myself together. I guess it looked different to her because she told me one day that she felt uncomfortable with how I was acting, so I did my best to hide myself away from her. I tried being better, but my frustrations and my fears got the best of me, and so we stopped talking all together. I texted her an apology twice and even sent her an invite to go see something that I was performing in to let her know how I felt. She must’ve felt panicked and so she removed me from her contact lists and the like.
Next year, I became rather peculiar and always brought sweet treats to school. I would hand them out to all the kids, but I was very hesitant to share with her, and eventually she texted me again to say thanks, and we had a little conversation from there. I didn’t know why she bothered texting me if she didn’t feel comfortable being in contact with me, but she did and later she told me why. We had a falling out. We had two or three more falling outs, I gave out more candy and included her in the mix… to this day, she’s the first person I think of when I give out candy (my priest told me to do this as an act of penance), but we don’t talk so much… and I want to make things right between us.
TL;DR:
There’s a girl who has seriously affected my anxiety and anger issues, and I’ve been horrible too; but I want to make things right.