Labeled liver slide
Am I losing the love of my life? My sweet and loving bf 28M has told me so many lies and I 24F question my reality and if I’m in the wrong here please help me
2024.05.16 19:20 No_Name_6819 Am I losing the love of my life? My sweet and loving bf 28M has told me so many lies and I 24F question my reality and if I’m in the wrong here please help me
Me (24F) and my boyfriend (28M) met 17 months ago on a dating app. At the time we were both in different countries and had set our location to a place we were both planning to visit. He asked me on a date for new years eve and even bought an event ticket for that night when we were both supposed to be there . Unfortunately a few days before my flight I got sick and never got to visit that country or see him there. I was expecting us to stop talking and I was talking/dating afew other people since I thought him and I would never meet in real life but to my surprise we started talking every single day and he was the sweetest guy I had ever met . We got to know each other pretty good to the point that he kept asking me to move to his country. After around 4 months of talking online he told me he’s getting a ticket and coming to see me for a week . And that’s when we had our first phone call , over that phone call he said he needs to tell me something because it might be a red flag for me and he just wants to be honest about it , he said he has dated a stripper before me (around 2 years before me) but they were never official and it was something casual just because he was lonely and she was pushy. To be honest I didn’t like hearing that but I was still okay with it. Fast forward to our first week together, we went on date every single day , we went to really nice restaurants and bars and he was putting in so much effort into our dates, we eventually spent the weekend together and that’s when he gave me a gift along with a letter telling me how much he loves me and then we were intimate for the first time and spent the entire weekend in his hotel room .
He went back to his country for work and came back to see me after 5 weeks and we had another amazing week together and that’s when I told him that I love him too so we got alot closer and talked about our past, about how he used to be a party boy and into drugs but he’s changed now and people we have dated and exes , and in a funny conversation the topic of body count came up and I told him mine is 3 and he said he has been with 6 people in total which was shockingly good in my opinion. He also told me that the last time he slept with someone was a year before me because he’s not into one night stands or casual sex because he is emotional and can’t just have that with anyone and that was very respectable and admirable in my opinion and made me fall in love even more . I was honest with and told him the last time I had slept with someone was a month or two into us talking but there was no emotion connection with that person, he was upset but he said he understood that we weren’t that serious back then .
He came back for the 3rd time after 2 weeks and that’s when we got an Airbnb and spent the whole week together cooking and talking like a married couple in love , on the same week we ran into a girl in our airbnb building and she was so happy to see my bf , she jumped to hug him and gave him a kiss on the cheek but my bf seemed kinda uncomfortable. After the interaction I was curious to know how does he know someone in my country so I asked him who she was and he said she is his high school classmate that lives in the same city as him now and she just got married so it must be a coincidence that she’s visiting too.
He was back to see me for another week after 2 weeks and at that point we both knew we are offical and that neither of us has even talked to anyone else for the past 4-5 months but we still didn’t put a label on it because I was so afraid of doing long distance and the fact that I was going to move to a country even further away from him in a month. On that week we went and got an STD test together and I even got an IUD so we don’t have to worry about using protection anymore. He knew that I had this unreasonable fear of contracting HIV and this was him being supportive and calming my nerves.
Afew weeks later I moved to a different country around 17000 miles away and when I was looking for a place there we decided to lease an apartment together and furnish our home together because he was planning on moving there to live with me . He came to visit me for a month and we had more amazing days together and became officially girlfriend and boyfriend .he was the sweetest most loving and understanding guy ever.
We did 3 month of long distance and I missed him so bad that I decided to leave everything behind and sell my stuff to go travel with him for 3 months and also go and visit his family and his hometown , it was hard but we made it work and we were both on cloud 9 for the first 2 weeks together. And after meeting his family things were even more serious , they all loved me and keep asking him when he’s going to propose and end the long distance and I even got invited to his brother’s wedding.
One night my trust issues got the best of me and decided to check his phone ( I know it’s bad) I didn’t see anything too bad as his chats were mostly deleted but I came across a chat with that high-school classmate I mentioned earlier and I found out that they had been on a few dates and that he had sent her the same sweet questions as he sent to me word for word. I also saw that they spent the night together and he had a hickey on his neck from her . I also saw that before meeting me he was sliding into girls dms calling them hot and being sexual and I was sooo shocked just because the image he showed me of himself was so so different. I gave him a chance to come clean in the morning but he kept on lying to my face till I showed him the chats , even then he denied ever sleeping with her . I was so hurt that so early in our relationship he could lie to my face for no reason .
I was upset so I left our villa to stay at a hotel, he kept texting and calling and begging me to give him another chance and go to dinner with him and I did, he was so apologetic he was so upset and he kept saying all he wants is to go back and never lie to me so I asked him to come clean about anything else he has lied about . I went over everything with him and asked if they were lies too? he said no . I decided to stay and give us another chance .
Just 3 days after that night I asked him if I can delete his exes number that is a stripper off his phone in front of him he said yes and when I went to delete it I saw their messages , it wasn’t from 2 years before me ! The last message was 15 days before meeting me and turns out she was actually his friend’s girlfriend and they were secretly seeing each other… I was so heartbroken I couldn’t believe he is a person like that and that he has lied to my face again! He used to always say he hates cheater and that he has been cheated on before so he would never do anything like that but in the chats they were making fun of that girl’s bf which was his friend.
He started apologising again and told me there is more, there is someone else he has slept with shortly before me and that whole not sleeping with anyone for a year and no one nights stands was lie to make me fall in love with him . I forgave him again and decided to help him not feel ashamed about his past .
4 days later I asked him to send me our STD test results from months ago to me again because I lost it and my doctor wanted see it he started looking at his emails and said he can’t find it so I offered to help him look and I found it in his trash folder, but again I wanted to give him a chance so I asked if he has deleted it? He said no ! Turns out he was tested positive for a very minor and not dangerous STD and because he felt ashamed he edited the results when he sent it to months earlier. And deleted it afew days prior. His excuse was that I’m very anxious and fearful about STDs so he didn’t want to worry me because the doctor said it doesn’t need a treatment , And again I was convinced .
A few weeks passed and we were arguing a-lot because of trust issues but we were trying to get help and work on the relationship, he even confessed that there were more small lies he has told me , like saying some of the girls he was following were his friends or friends of friends when in fact they were girls he had met on tinder before meeting me . I struggled to understand why he would lie to me about stuff like this when I had never showed to be a jealous or not understanding GF .
A few weeks later we were doing better and travelling different countries together and I thought we’re done with lies so one night I was overthinking and asked him about a blocked number I saw on his phone that first time I looked through it , I asked who’s number that was because It had the country code of the country I lived in when we first started dating. He reassured me that it’s probably a scam number and that I was overthinking but I wasn’t convinced so I put it into google and it brought up so many escort websites from that country. For a whole week I begged and cried for him to tell me the truth to tell me I’m not crazy and what I’m seeing is right but he denied it every time for a whole week and even cried because I couldn’t believe him till one morning when I promised him I won’t leave if he just tells me , he confessed that on that first week after or first or second date when he went back to his hotel room he looked at escort sites and texted them but kept swearing that he never saw one and to him it just like watching porn . Once again I was in disbelief because he used to always say people that pay for sex are evil and are using girls that might have been trafficked for sex , I was also heartbroken and disgusted that he could do that in my city , somewhere that was my home and he was supposed to be there just for me and the fact that I’d have been on the same bed we had sex for the first time and the same room he told me he loved me in only 2 days later …
He blamed it all on porn and his porn addiction, I was shocked because I never had a problem with him watching porn I had even asked him if he wants to watch it together but he always seemed not that interested. He said that he has had trust issues and the reason why he went on an escort site in the first place was to make sure I wasn’t one … Honestly I didn’t know what to do with that informations ! How could he even possibly think that but it doesn’t bother me what bothers me is thinking that he got on 5 hour flight and took me on all those nice dates thinking I might be an escort?? And when he realised I wasn’t he looked for a real one ? Like he was disappointed that I wasn’t an escort? After 5-6 months of talking to me all day and night . I couldn’t not understand and will never understand .
Because of my promise I stayed and went to therapy ever since then he keeps saying I know all of his dark side and secrets and there is nothing else he would lie to me about. He’s been super apologetic and putting up with my anxiety and hearing out my hurt and looking for ways to fix our relationship and trust.
Our trip ended and we are doing long distance again and I told him I won’t be like before because it takes time to rebuild trust he understood and said it’s fair for me to look for things or have doubts . The other night i was looking at his email to make sure there are no more escort or things like that and I saw an email from a almost a year before me , it was from a flowegift shop that he has bought me flowers from which was very meaningful to me .
I saw that he had sent the same flower to that stripper girl that he claimed he was never in a relationship with only difference is hers was way more expensive and it had a note saying she is his world and there was another flower order worth 500$ sent to the same girl and the note was he is sorry for not keeping his promises and that he is in love with her more than he could have ever imagined.word for word of how he has apologised to me.
He has been telling me for over a year now that he never told that girl he loved her without me ever asking him . So I asked him if he has ever bought her flowers? But I also sent him a text saying he doesn’t owe me anything from his past and he shouldn’t worry about hurting my feelings and just tell me truth because I love him . He said no . Afew hours later he said he remembered that it was one time and it was from the same shop but what he got me was better and once again without me even asking he said no but I never loved her and never told her I lover her . I gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked if there is a chance he doesn’t remember ? Maybe because it was over text ? He said no there is no way he wouldn’t remember saying something like that .
I sent him the email and all he had to say was that he wasn’t lying he just didn’t remember… And he kept saying but that’s all , I never got her anything else (like that’s the point) but I also saw another email in his trash folder and it was another gift order to the same girl and he deleted that email the same day so there is no way he wouldn’t remember those gifts …
I’m so done and over the lies but I’m starting to blame myself for asking things for caring about the past , my mind keep telling me at least he didn’t cheat on you . But then I remember he lied to me about things I never even asked for cared about. I remember that he might have been interested in me because he thought I might be an escort not because of who I am .
He has been the kindest and nicest person to me and has done everything to make sure I’m okay during our relationship . Am I doing something wrong? What to do ? I’m so confused
submitted by No_Name_6819 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
He went back to his country for work and came back to see me after 5 weeks and we had another amazing week together and that’s when I told him that I love him too so we got alot closer and talked about our past, about how he used to be a party boy and into drugs but he’s changed now and people we have dated and exes , and in a funny conversation the topic of body count came up and I told him mine is 3 and he said he has been with 6 people in total which was shockingly good in my opinion. He also told me that the last time he slept with someone was a year before me because he’s not into one night stands or casual sex because he is emotional and can’t just have that with anyone and that was very respectable and admirable in my opinion and made me fall in love even more . I was honest with and told him the last time I had slept with someone was a month or two into us talking but there was no emotion connection with that person, he was upset but he said he understood that we weren’t that serious back then .
He came back for the 3rd time after 2 weeks and that’s when we got an Airbnb and spent the whole week together cooking and talking like a married couple in love , on the same week we ran into a girl in our airbnb building and she was so happy to see my bf , she jumped to hug him and gave him a kiss on the cheek but my bf seemed kinda uncomfortable. After the interaction I was curious to know how does he know someone in my country so I asked him who she was and he said she is his high school classmate that lives in the same city as him now and she just got married so it must be a coincidence that she’s visiting too.
He was back to see me for another week after 2 weeks and at that point we both knew we are offical and that neither of us has even talked to anyone else for the past 4-5 months but we still didn’t put a label on it because I was so afraid of doing long distance and the fact that I was going to move to a country even further away from him in a month. On that week we went and got an STD test together and I even got an IUD so we don’t have to worry about using protection anymore. He knew that I had this unreasonable fear of contracting HIV and this was him being supportive and calming my nerves.
Afew weeks later I moved to a different country around 17000 miles away and when I was looking for a place there we decided to lease an apartment together and furnish our home together because he was planning on moving there to live with me . He came to visit me for a month and we had more amazing days together and became officially girlfriend and boyfriend .he was the sweetest most loving and understanding guy ever.
We did 3 month of long distance and I missed him so bad that I decided to leave everything behind and sell my stuff to go travel with him for 3 months and also go and visit his family and his hometown , it was hard but we made it work and we were both on cloud 9 for the first 2 weeks together. And after meeting his family things were even more serious , they all loved me and keep asking him when he’s going to propose and end the long distance and I even got invited to his brother’s wedding.
One night my trust issues got the best of me and decided to check his phone ( I know it’s bad) I didn’t see anything too bad as his chats were mostly deleted but I came across a chat with that high-school classmate I mentioned earlier and I found out that they had been on a few dates and that he had sent her the same sweet questions as he sent to me word for word. I also saw that they spent the night together and he had a hickey on his neck from her . I also saw that before meeting me he was sliding into girls dms calling them hot and being sexual and I was sooo shocked just because the image he showed me of himself was so so different. I gave him a chance to come clean in the morning but he kept on lying to my face till I showed him the chats , even then he denied ever sleeping with her . I was so hurt that so early in our relationship he could lie to my face for no reason .
I was upset so I left our villa to stay at a hotel, he kept texting and calling and begging me to give him another chance and go to dinner with him and I did, he was so apologetic he was so upset and he kept saying all he wants is to go back and never lie to me so I asked him to come clean about anything else he has lied about . I went over everything with him and asked if they were lies too? he said no . I decided to stay and give us another chance .
Just 3 days after that night I asked him if I can delete his exes number that is a stripper off his phone in front of him he said yes and when I went to delete it I saw their messages , it wasn’t from 2 years before me ! The last message was 15 days before meeting me and turns out she was actually his friend’s girlfriend and they were secretly seeing each other… I was so heartbroken I couldn’t believe he is a person like that and that he has lied to my face again! He used to always say he hates cheater and that he has been cheated on before so he would never do anything like that but in the chats they were making fun of that girl’s bf which was his friend.
He started apologising again and told me there is more, there is someone else he has slept with shortly before me and that whole not sleeping with anyone for a year and no one nights stands was lie to make me fall in love with him . I forgave him again and decided to help him not feel ashamed about his past .
4 days later I asked him to send me our STD test results from months ago to me again because I lost it and my doctor wanted see it he started looking at his emails and said he can’t find it so I offered to help him look and I found it in his trash folder, but again I wanted to give him a chance so I asked if he has deleted it? He said no ! Turns out he was tested positive for a very minor and not dangerous STD and because he felt ashamed he edited the results when he sent it to months earlier. And deleted it afew days prior. His excuse was that I’m very anxious and fearful about STDs so he didn’t want to worry me because the doctor said it doesn’t need a treatment , And again I was convinced .
A few weeks passed and we were arguing a-lot because of trust issues but we were trying to get help and work on the relationship, he even confessed that there were more small lies he has told me , like saying some of the girls he was following were his friends or friends of friends when in fact they were girls he had met on tinder before meeting me . I struggled to understand why he would lie to me about stuff like this when I had never showed to be a jealous or not understanding GF .
A few weeks later we were doing better and travelling different countries together and I thought we’re done with lies so one night I was overthinking and asked him about a blocked number I saw on his phone that first time I looked through it , I asked who’s number that was because It had the country code of the country I lived in when we first started dating. He reassured me that it’s probably a scam number and that I was overthinking but I wasn’t convinced so I put it into google and it brought up so many escort websites from that country. For a whole week I begged and cried for him to tell me the truth to tell me I’m not crazy and what I’m seeing is right but he denied it every time for a whole week and even cried because I couldn’t believe him till one morning when I promised him I won’t leave if he just tells me , he confessed that on that first week after or first or second date when he went back to his hotel room he looked at escort sites and texted them but kept swearing that he never saw one and to him it just like watching porn . Once again I was in disbelief because he used to always say people that pay for sex are evil and are using girls that might have been trafficked for sex , I was also heartbroken and disgusted that he could do that in my city , somewhere that was my home and he was supposed to be there just for me and the fact that I’d have been on the same bed we had sex for the first time and the same room he told me he loved me in only 2 days later …
He blamed it all on porn and his porn addiction, I was shocked because I never had a problem with him watching porn I had even asked him if he wants to watch it together but he always seemed not that interested. He said that he has had trust issues and the reason why he went on an escort site in the first place was to make sure I wasn’t one … Honestly I didn’t know what to do with that informations ! How could he even possibly think that but it doesn’t bother me what bothers me is thinking that he got on 5 hour flight and took me on all those nice dates thinking I might be an escort?? And when he realised I wasn’t he looked for a real one ? Like he was disappointed that I wasn’t an escort? After 5-6 months of talking to me all day and night . I couldn’t not understand and will never understand .
Because of my promise I stayed and went to therapy ever since then he keeps saying I know all of his dark side and secrets and there is nothing else he would lie to me about. He’s been super apologetic and putting up with my anxiety and hearing out my hurt and looking for ways to fix our relationship and trust.
Our trip ended and we are doing long distance again and I told him I won’t be like before because it takes time to rebuild trust he understood and said it’s fair for me to look for things or have doubts . The other night i was looking at his email to make sure there are no more escort or things like that and I saw an email from a almost a year before me , it was from a flowegift shop that he has bought me flowers from which was very meaningful to me .
I saw that he had sent the same flower to that stripper girl that he claimed he was never in a relationship with only difference is hers was way more expensive and it had a note saying she is his world and there was another flower order worth 500$ sent to the same girl and the note was he is sorry for not keeping his promises and that he is in love with her more than he could have ever imagined.word for word of how he has apologised to me.
He has been telling me for over a year now that he never told that girl he loved her without me ever asking him . So I asked him if he has ever bought her flowers? But I also sent him a text saying he doesn’t owe me anything from his past and he shouldn’t worry about hurting my feelings and just tell me truth because I love him . He said no . Afew hours later he said he remembered that it was one time and it was from the same shop but what he got me was better and once again without me even asking he said no but I never loved her and never told her I lover her . I gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked if there is a chance he doesn’t remember ? Maybe because it was over text ? He said no there is no way he wouldn’t remember saying something like that .
I sent him the email and all he had to say was that he wasn’t lying he just didn’t remember… And he kept saying but that’s all , I never got her anything else (like that’s the point) but I also saw another email in his trash folder and it was another gift order to the same girl and he deleted that email the same day so there is no way he wouldn’t remember those gifts …
I’m so done and over the lies but I’m starting to blame myself for asking things for caring about the past , my mind keep telling me at least he didn’t cheat on you . But then I remember he lied to me about things I never even asked for cared about. I remember that he might have been interested in me because he thought I might be an escort not because of who I am .
He has been the kindest and nicest person to me and has done everything to make sure I’m okay during our relationship . Am I doing something wrong? What to do ? I’m so confused
2024.05.16 16:30 XxIWANNABITEABITCHxX fake sugars should be more effectively noted in labels.
edit: sorry, when i say fake sugars here, i meant to say artificial sweeteners, like sucralose or aspertame. it's early in the morning and im very much an idiot.
drinks, food, whatever has a nutrition label, there's bound to be a weight/measurement to sodium, carbs, sugars (as well as the percentage, but i think adding a % would get confusing) that helps you (even passively) keep track and limit any possible negative side effects or health risks associated with long term over or under indulgence. even alcohol or caffeine is given a similar treatment despite there not being any issues with under indulging.
so why don't nutrition labels do this with fake sugars? it's my opinion that this is a disservice to the population, as there are potential negative side effects from most fake sugars if you have too much, and you should reasonably be able to track or at least have the capacity for informed consent, if you want to say "fuck it, my liver can handle it every once in a while" you should, if you want to limit within reason but indulge a bit, you should. not everyone who wants to limit is desperate to avoid it at all costs.
looking at the ingredients is basically useless as it only shows ingredients in the order of how much of each ingredient is in relative to the other ingredients. this doesnt actually tell us anything unless we're strictly avoiding something at all costs due to health, religious, or philisophical reasons.
granted there are a lot of different kinds of fake sugars, but i think it stands to reason that a label would only focus on the kind that the product uses. the rest can be looked into by the consumer.
im not a health nut, i have no conditions that require i limit (apart from the same way one would sodium sugar, alcohol or caffeine) and i don't avoid it like the plague, i just think it's weird that these are the exception, but no one irl i've spoken agrees with me.
submitted by XxIWANNABITEABITCHxX to unpopularopinion [link] [comments]
drinks, food, whatever has a nutrition label, there's bound to be a weight/measurement to sodium, carbs, sugars (as well as the percentage, but i think adding a % would get confusing) that helps you (even passively) keep track and limit any possible negative side effects or health risks associated with long term over or under indulgence. even alcohol or caffeine is given a similar treatment despite there not being any issues with under indulging.
so why don't nutrition labels do this with fake sugars? it's my opinion that this is a disservice to the population, as there are potential negative side effects from most fake sugars if you have too much, and you should reasonably be able to track or at least have the capacity for informed consent, if you want to say "fuck it, my liver can handle it every once in a while" you should, if you want to limit within reason but indulge a bit, you should. not everyone who wants to limit is desperate to avoid it at all costs.
looking at the ingredients is basically useless as it only shows ingredients in the order of how much of each ingredient is in relative to the other ingredients. this doesnt actually tell us anything unless we're strictly avoiding something at all costs due to health, religious, or philisophical reasons.
granted there are a lot of different kinds of fake sugars, but i think it stands to reason that a label would only focus on the kind that the product uses. the rest can be looked into by the consumer.
im not a health nut, i have no conditions that require i limit (apart from the same way one would sodium sugar, alcohol or caffeine) and i don't avoid it like the plague, i just think it's weird that these are the exception, but no one irl i've spoken agrees with me.
2024.05.16 16:20 raider708- Why does the @ symbol not tag a person?! (@ and + symbol functionally reversed??) (new to Todoist)
I've used todoist for a client, but first time I'm moving all my personal stuff in. Years ago I chose against Todoist because the experience had so many rigid inconsistencies and wasn't up to standard in my view.. Today, it's really seemed to improved over the last couple years. Polish all over the place.
HOWEVER Why the heck does the @ symbol not tag a person?
Using the @ to tag a person is the de facto digital app standard. I probably stems from email addresses using it. Apps that do this
Is this a discussion around here? It's gotta be a very common question. It seems like + and @ should be flipped. "+" can be used for label. "#" is obviously the most typical for a label, but I can see why they chose that for projects and then have a challenge figuring out how to tag a project vs a label.
submitted by raider708- to todoist [link] [comments]
HOWEVER Why the heck does the @ symbol not tag a person?
Using the @ to tag a person is the de facto digital app standard. I probably stems from email addresses using it. Apps that do this
- Google everything: gmail, Docs, Sheets, Slides, comments
- Notion
- Asana
- Trello
- Slack / Discord
- Threads
- iMessage—and every other chat app I can think of (Whatsapp, Messenger,
- REDDIT.
Is this a discussion around here? It's gotta be a very common question. It seems like + and @ should be flipped. "+" can be used for label. "#" is obviously the most typical for a label, but I can see why they chose that for projects and then have a challenge figuring out how to tag a project vs a label.
2024.05.16 11:04 fierce_kitsya When you start being a customer Karen?
Hi guys, I would like to open a discussion on when exactly a customer starts being a Karen. Because honestly, I feel that sometimes even if you are labeled as one it’s okay!
For context of where these thoughts are coming from, a few days ago my baby (M 5m) and I (F 29y) stop by the pharmacy on our way home from a long walk (we are located in Italy btw)
I’m wearing a pair of sporty high waisted trousers and a sports crop top from a Pilates set, nothing fancy, but a tiny bit of the upper part of my stomach is showing.
The pharmacist, as soon as I reach checkout and approach her, without even replying to my greeting, proceeds to criticize my outfit, saying exactly that I need to put a shirt on when entering the pharmacy because we are not on the beach (we are literally 500 mts from a beach but go on), but for this time she will LET IT SLIDE. I get so appalled at first that I don’t even know what to say, apart from saying that this is a top, not a bra nor a bikini top, but she repeats herself saying I can’t go around showing off my stomach.
10 minutes later I go back to return the item as this wasn’t sitting right with me and when I do the return with the same pharmacist I politely say to her that I didn’t like how I was treated and if the pharmacy has this request for their customers they should put a sign at the door (you know, same signs as when dogs are not allowed and stuff), not say it with such rudeness at checkout. She than snaps at me proceeding to let me know how this is common knowledge and respect for the society we live in and how I’m disrespectful and ill-mannered and stuff. I walk out to her rant, when she starting to raise her voice enough for people to start noticing and catching up on what’s going on.
As someone who is always in doubt if I’m wrong, especially for the fear of becoming a Karen, I later confirmed with my cousins wife who is also the pharmacist, that this behavior was not ok and absolutely unprofessional. She said people come to her in a bikini and see-through dress and she NEVER EVER thought of criticizing and saying something, it’s not her place to do it, people can wear what they want.
I now am planning a petty revenge on that, but stil wondering what the hell… I mean, we live in a world where women belittle and insult and shame other women for a little bit of skin? It felt like I was entering a church, not a fucking STORE!
Where is that line that transforms you from someone who just stands up for their rights and basic human respect becomes a Karen? I feel first people who worked retail where the one cornered, not being able to defend themselves… but now the tables turned completely and it’s the customer who at any moment when being attacked or mistreated can become a Karen and made fun of…
What you guys think?
To Charlotte: thank for your content, I got my partner addicted as well as my 4 months old son, we love watching your channel ❤️
submitted by fierce_kitsya to CharlotteDobreYouTube [link] [comments]
For context of where these thoughts are coming from, a few days ago my baby (M 5m) and I (F 29y) stop by the pharmacy on our way home from a long walk (we are located in Italy btw)
I’m wearing a pair of sporty high waisted trousers and a sports crop top from a Pilates set, nothing fancy, but a tiny bit of the upper part of my stomach is showing.
The pharmacist, as soon as I reach checkout and approach her, without even replying to my greeting, proceeds to criticize my outfit, saying exactly that I need to put a shirt on when entering the pharmacy because we are not on the beach (we are literally 500 mts from a beach but go on), but for this time she will LET IT SLIDE. I get so appalled at first that I don’t even know what to say, apart from saying that this is a top, not a bra nor a bikini top, but she repeats herself saying I can’t go around showing off my stomach.
10 minutes later I go back to return the item as this wasn’t sitting right with me and when I do the return with the same pharmacist I politely say to her that I didn’t like how I was treated and if the pharmacy has this request for their customers they should put a sign at the door (you know, same signs as when dogs are not allowed and stuff), not say it with such rudeness at checkout. She than snaps at me proceeding to let me know how this is common knowledge and respect for the society we live in and how I’m disrespectful and ill-mannered and stuff. I walk out to her rant, when she starting to raise her voice enough for people to start noticing and catching up on what’s going on.
As someone who is always in doubt if I’m wrong, especially for the fear of becoming a Karen, I later confirmed with my cousins wife who is also the pharmacist, that this behavior was not ok and absolutely unprofessional. She said people come to her in a bikini and see-through dress and she NEVER EVER thought of criticizing and saying something, it’s not her place to do it, people can wear what they want.
I now am planning a petty revenge on that, but stil wondering what the hell… I mean, we live in a world where women belittle and insult and shame other women for a little bit of skin? It felt like I was entering a church, not a fucking STORE!
Where is that line that transforms you from someone who just stands up for their rights and basic human respect becomes a Karen? I feel first people who worked retail where the one cornered, not being able to defend themselves… but now the tables turned completely and it’s the customer who at any moment when being attacked or mistreated can become a Karen and made fun of…
What you guys think?
To Charlotte: thank for your content, I got my partner addicted as well as my 4 months old son, we love watching your channel ❤️
2024.05.16 09:43 UniMadness [FS][UK][EU][WORLDWIDE] Clearout NEVER WORN Rare S4INT L4URANT P4R1S Aviator Jacket, Slides, Dunk, J0RD*N 1's & 11's.
All brand new shoes will be labelled, otherwise they would have been worn and condition stated.
Don't message if you aren't able to purchase within 48 hours of messaging me - Time wasters will be blocked
Any inquiries can be answered on PM
Prices reflect inclusive of UK shipping.
Can ship international, message me location for an adjusted price
PayPal Invoice Only
Tagged Photo with Timestamp
Jacket
Brand New Aviator Jacket/Size S/£100 Excellent quality. Beautiful piece. I know there's alot of people who say 1:1 pieces when in reality they are 0.6:1. This piece is one of the most accurate pieces I've seen.
Slides
Two slides available
Onyx/Size42/£20
Onyx/Size42/£20
Dunk
Brand New Panda/UK7.5/US8.5/£40
Jdans 1's
Brand New Mocha UK7.5/US8.5/£75 PK4.0/QW. Best available batch at the moment.
Brand New BordeauxUK7.5/US8.5/£75 Infamous CZ batch. Hard to come by since factory has been shut. One of the best leather's I've came across from my 50+ shoe collection.
[Brand New Hyper Royals UK7.5/US8.5/£75[(https://imgur.com/a/mQeI2K0) Infamous CZ batch. Hard to come by since factory has been shut. Premium leather quality.
** Jdan 11's**
Brand new Cap N Gown/UK8/US9/£75 Brand new LJR batch. Best batch available.
Breds/UK8/US9/£60. 8/10 condition. Worn twice.
submitted by UniMadness to FashionRepsBST [link] [comments]
Don't message if you aren't able to purchase within 48 hours of messaging me - Time wasters will be blocked
Any inquiries can be answered on PM
Prices reflect inclusive of UK shipping.
Can ship international, message me location for an adjusted price
PayPal Invoice Only
Tagged Photo with Timestamp
Jacket
Brand New Aviator Jacket/Size S/£100 Excellent quality. Beautiful piece. I know there's alot of people who say 1:1 pieces when in reality they are 0.6:1. This piece is one of the most accurate pieces I've seen.
Slides
Two slides available
Onyx/Size42/£20
Onyx/Size42/£20
Dunk
Brand New Panda/UK7.5/US8.5/£40
Jdans 1's
Brand New Mocha UK7.5/US8.5/£75 PK4.0/QW. Best available batch at the moment.
Brand New BordeauxUK7.5/US8.5/£75 Infamous CZ batch. Hard to come by since factory has been shut. One of the best leather's I've came across from my 50+ shoe collection.
[Brand New Hyper Royals UK7.5/US8.5/£75[(https://imgur.com/a/mQeI2K0) Infamous CZ batch. Hard to come by since factory has been shut. Premium leather quality.
** Jdan 11's**
Brand new Cap N Gown/UK8/US9/£75 Brand new LJR batch. Best batch available.
Breds/UK8/US9/£60. 8/10 condition. Worn twice.
2024.05.16 07:31 RationalSchizo812020 Kanye and Kendrick vs Drake and The Diddler: A Conspiracy
Written 5/8/2024- updates attached below
I tried posting this on kendrick almost a week ago and it got no response, I messaged the mods to ask about Karma restrictions or account age requirements and they never replied. I made a new account and it was the same issue, but I found out last night I wasn’t fully banned, so I figured I’d throw it up and see if anyone finds it valuable. It’s written for people who have no prior knowledge of the rap game/music business. I don’t have to go as hard on obscuring names this time. One of the influencers I mentioned in my last post is known for doxxing and threatening violence against people who mention the many contradictions in their stories. (Sorry for any typos/mistakes I want to go to bed.)
Origins
I believe the current Drake and Kendrick Lamar beef is either completely or partially fabricated by certain industry leaders or the parties involved in an effort to distract from something bigger going down behind the scenes. If you were an influential label owner facing major accusations, and you needed to deflect media attention from yourself, recreating one of the most defining moments in rap history during the social media era would be a way to do it. It also wouldn’t hurt that two of the biggest rappers in the world were already sending shots at each other in their music for years prior. The public consensus is they are simply two famous rappers who hate each other and fighting over the spot for the top like in the 90’s. Only people who were directly involved could paint a more cohesive picture of the whole story. Even when all the cards drop, there is a good chance the average person won’t be able to find direct sources on their own and will continue to support their favorite artists and dismiss any evidence of their crimes like the drizzy subreddit or Ak fans.
As I said the beef between Kendrick and Drake has been brewing in the background for years, with both rappers sending shots and sneak dissing each other over the course of at least 8 years. The most agreed upon origin story is the first diss was the 2016 Big Sean and Kendrick collaboration, “Control,” and Drake responded with, “The Language”. Things stayed relatively lighthearted for a while and both were intentionally vague for many years. Before I go deep into the Kendrick and Drake stuff, it’s really important to examine some of Drake’s prior beefs because they add a ton of context to my theory. In my opinion Kendrick and Co. started scheming all of this some time around Mid 2020-Mid 2022, well after the whole Pusha T beef had transitioned into the Kanye beef.
What exactly started the beef is debatable, but at the time many attributed it to rumors of Drake pursuing Ye’s ex Amber Rose. Unfortunately the timeline isn’t 100 percent clear, and if I included every detail this would be at least 200+ pages so I’ll stick with the important stuff. The ultimate outcome of the Pusha T battle in 2018 was the revelation of Drake’s son Adidon that he had previously been hiding from the world along with getting Ye directly involved in the beef.
Here are some more examples of Drake antagonizing Ye and of him trying to use women as pawns to get material for his diss tracks. The Drake line, “Yeah, I probably go link to Yeezy, I need me some Jesus, but as soon as I start confessin' my sins, he wouldn't believe us," could be a reference to sleeping with Kim Kardashian, trying to double down on his threats to harm him or his family, or it could be a double entendre. Another example is using the name Kiki in another song, which was apparently one of Kim’s nicknames. Some other possible examples include the theories he may have tried the same thing with Kendrick’s wife Whitney around 2020-2021 in an attempt to use as ammo against Kendrick, which I’ll go into later. I don’t listen to much of either artist's music, but there are probably many of other examples in Drake’s catalogue that I’m leaving out. There is also his song Omerta released in 2019, which I'll go into below.
“Your baby mother call me when she lonely My tailor see me twice a week, he like my homie Forever grateful, forever thankful Diamond necklace, but she wears it on her ankle”
(Probably referring to Kim Kardashian since she had a few pictures with her wearing diamond ankle bracelets and was trying to make it into a trend.
“I plan to buy your most personal belongings when they up for auction”
(There were various rumors floating around for a while that Drake was blackmailing Ye with something and he was fighting to keep it from the public. I thought about it and this line might be referencing a sex tape with Kim or her little sister who me was very touch before she turned 18. In 2022 there was a whole storyline on Kim’s show where Ye flies to LA to prevent her second sex tape from being released.)
West Hollywood, know my presence is menacing
Cosa Nostra, shady dealings
Racketeering, the syndicate got they hand in plenty things The things that we've done to protect the name are unsettling But no regrets, though, the name'll echo Years later, none greater
Death to a coward and a traitor, that's just in my nature, yeah
(Drake and Ye both frequented the Delilah Nightclub located in West Hollywood and lived closeby on the same street for a while.)
"I don't carry cash 'cause the money is digital
It's the American Expresser, the debt collector"
(Sounds a lot more like it could be crypto to launder or send large amounts of ill gotten gains. It started becoming mainstream around them)
"Last year, niggas really feel like they rode on me
Last year, niggas got hot 'cause they told on me
I'm 'bout to call the bluff of anybody the fold on me"
These lines stood out because they could be referring to Ye telling the public about Drake's alleged threats a couple months before the songs release. This happened not long after the release of Sicko mode which was towards the end of 2018 as well. Ye was discussing the incident on Twitter and reached out to Drake and Travis to talk to him in private. In the next set of tweets Kanye publicly accused Drake of threatening him and his family in a major way. Surprisingly Ye seemed genuinely scared and amongst his, “crazy rants,” some of the stuff he said makes a ton of sense in hindsight. This also the beginning of his second serious public struggles with Bipolar disorder after being committed in 2016 shortly after an on stage rant where he calls out Jay Z for selling out and says he's afraid he might kill him.. As someone who shares the same diagnosis, I have a pretty good understanding of mania and psychosis and firmly believe that it's important not to write people off right away due to their mental illness. Some of my most thoughtful, creative, and productive periods were inspired by mania. Industry bigwigs have also been using mental illness to discredit influential black celebrities and visionaries going back decades, but it really picked up in the 80’s.
Dave Chappelle has gone into this a lot in the past and claims he experienced something similar before he quit show business and dipped to Africa. Their stories have a lot of interesting parallels if you’re familiar or curious. I remember he actually visited Ye at his house in Wyoming after he was reported to have had a, "mental breakdown," during his presidential run in 2020 thus marking his third breakown in six years.. The reason I put it in quotes is because it happened right after he publicly accused Kim of cheating and delivered his legendary speech on abortion. Dave went as far as going on live tv and telling the public he wasn’t crazy, he was just really struggling because he was the only one at the time fighting against the narrative, which can often be a suicide mission or a ticket to obscurity. These are three examples of someone speaking up and being deemed crazy, two years later came the nazi stuff and I'm sure we'll have plenty in store for 2024.
This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the very common pattern of artists dying or having their careers destroyed either after they try to leave their label or threaten to reveal industry secrets. A few more interesting industry connections I made in my research include the connections between:
T.U.G. records and J Cole's independent label Dreamville are both managed by Interscope Records, whose parent company is Universal Music Group.
Universal Music Group also hac Drake's label OvO label as well as Ye and Kendrick's old labels on their roster before they left to form their own independent labels in 2022 (around the same time the disses between Kendrick and Drake started escalating). Finally Bad Boy Records, which is owned by Diddy, and Motown Records who own Diddy's other R&B label Love Records, are also both owned by Universal. This means every label I mention is currently or was previously owned by Universal Music Group.
Ye tried for years to get out of his contract with Defjam, which happens to be ran by Jay Z who is known to be a close associate of Diddy. Jay would always used his money and power to fight against it. Ye even spoke out publicly on a few occasions, including when he said Jay Z was trying to kill him during one of his concerts. My theory is after years of getting nowhere and having his reputation skewered, in 2022 Ye finally said, "Fuck it," and dropped all the anti- Semetic stuff intentionally in a successful attempt to force his label to into using their morality clause, which requires labels to drop an artist if they're accused of any major controversy that could hurt the label’s profits. For the fourth time in four years the media reported he was having a breakdown. Even though they tried to punish him by cutting off all of his sources of income and freezing his accounts he still managed to bounce back pretty quickly. It was often reported how much he was losing, but it rarely discussed how he still was filthy rich in spite of the retrictions. His label wanted to discourage other artists from trying the same thing. My theory is he might have bought Kim or Kylie's alleged sex tape and used it for his own leverage. For Kendrick, his transition to his independent label ApLang went a lot smoother, but he had to split ownership of his new label with the previous manager owner Dave Free. Sadly it's still difficult for new or more niche artists to establish themselves without the some help.
He may be a lot of things but Ye isn’t dumb just because he has a mood disorder and the guys at the top know this, which is why I think he has really played up his diagnosis when it benefitted him. He’s still one of the most talented musicians in the game and I really think he sees his bipolar like a superpower as he says. It’s like his own invisibility cloak. He can go off his meds for a little, make an album after staying up for 72 hours, go on a “psychotic” twitter rant dropping facts throughout, then start up again once he makes enough news headlines. I think it’s worth noting the first divorce rumors in 2020 coincided with Ye’s abortion speech during his presidential run and the cheating accusations. that led to him dropping out and moving to Wyoming, and a couple months ago in February 2024 he was committed again.
The point I’m making is bipolar is complex, but pretty manageable especially if you have a ton of money to find meds that work for you and a good doctor and can keep substance abuse and stress at a manageable level. I think Ye is smart enough to know this, but it’s just safer for him to really play up the mental issues in the media. He’s proven he can literally say whatever he wants after getting cancelled and the average person is just going to write it off as psycho babble. While bias in health care is a sad fact of society, if you can use it to your advantage I say go for it. It might’ve just kept the microscope off of him long enough to plan his attack.
Ye v. Drake: Quotes of 2018
(Start of the beef, drake threats, and suspicion towards Kardashian family. )
“ It’s not about rap. It’s about family. We have to be close as a family and never let these people infiltrate just for radio spins”
“We need to show the world that people can talk without people ending up dead or in jail.”
”This is a man speaking to a man that has been placed in the program to fuck with Kanye West head and set me up“
”See when you care about your family you don’t let no man push you to do nothing that could risk your freedom“
These first four tweets by Ye were all in reference to perceived threats made by Drake after their beef escalated circa 2018. He began speaking on the industry and talking more about his psych hospital commitment two years prior and how he thought they were going to kill him. It's pretty obvious how the whole thing was planned by the sketchy doctor who called it in and his physical trainer who has a ton of connections to weird shit involving his celebrity clients.
I found interesting that Ye might not have been the first major league rapper whose life Drake threatened. During a similar period of mental illness the up and coming rapper XXXtentacion accused Drake of stealing his flow and dissed him a few times. Not long after he made a post online saying if he dies, it was Drake who did it. There are tons of conspiracies online, but none of the evidence is strong enough to draw a definitive connection. Also while it maybe be coincidental, Kendrick’s latest album Mr Morale also painted the picture that Kendrick was dealing with some serious personal issues. Some lines throughout the album may have been used to bait Drake into escalating, but it wasn’t until The Weekend, Future, and Metro Booming dropped, “We Don’t Trust You,” then Drake and J. Cole dropped, “First Person Shooter,” which was followed a couple days later with, “Like That,” where Kendrick started the chain of events that has led us to today.
Kanye vs. Drake: Quotes of 2020
Summary: Ye runs for president and gets suppressed for saying what very well could be the truth and was immediately deemed insane by the media. Kim did a couple interviews and everything he said was immediatly false. There is almost guarenteed to be some sketchy shit going down revolving her and her family. Ye was absolutely terrified of her keeping the kids away from him and it seems like there are still efforts being made to this day to paint a certain image of him for ulterior motives.
Below are six more quotes from a fan taking a deep dive into his 2020 tweets courtesy of u/ thehatstore42069 on Yeezy
”NORTHY I AM GOING TO WAR AND PUTTING MY LIFE ON THE LINE AND IF I AM MURDERED DON’T EVER LET WHITE MEDIA TELL YOU I WASNT A GOOD MAN,” West, 43, wrote in the tweet, adding, “WHEN PEOPLE THREATEN TO TAKE YOU OUT OF MY LIFE JUST KNOW I LOVE YOU”
"I need a public apology from J Cole and Drake to start with immediately... I'm Nat Turner... I'm fighting for us."
"the utmost respect for all brothers" and said "we need to link and respect each other... no more dissing each other on labels we don't own"
"Ye is constantly trying to tell people that his family does not have his or his kids best interests at heart. He goes on to list others, linking them together with the thinking emoji. These people include rap artist Drake and Larsa Pippen, wife of Scottie Pippe. Kim K is goddaughter to Pippen's daughter, showing how close the families actually are. All of these families that associate with Ye through Kardashian connections, as well as Drake, have been accused of the same thing Kris has. EVERY SINGLE ONE of these people have mixed race children that are groomed from a young age to fuck around with celebrities so the parents can remain famous. Drake on numerous occasions has been accused of grooming girls and then getting handsy on their 18th birthday.”
“These labels want their artists to make them money and they dont care about anything else. When Kanye says things like this in an attempt to expose him, the first thing they wanna do is drug him up and put him back in the studio.”
“Righteous indignation is typically a reactive emotion of anger over mistreatment, insult, or malice of another. It is akin to what is called the sense of injustice. This is how they keep the black man down. Keep people outraged about trivial things and distract them from the real issues in the world. The real problems in the industry. If you tell people enough times that they are unequal or discriminated against they start to believe it. Drug them when they step out of line and toss them aside when the checks run out. Ye is realizing he is pawn in a bigger game, and now that he has all these roots in the game such as Yeezy or the Gap or his music, too many people cant risk (Afford) a Ye who speaks his mind.”
(End of quotes)
Amongst the twitter rant, Ye warned about the predatory nature of record deals and discussed trying to get out of his own deal, and said again how his life may be in danger if it wasn’t already and was doing anything he could to protect his kids. The most fascinating part to me though is the public call to arms he made to Drake, J Cole, and Kendrick on twitter. After inviting them to all link up, he said, “It’s time to get free, we will not argue amongst each other while some guy we don’t know in Europe is getting paid and putting that money in a hedge fund.” I believe if Ye was able to pull off this meeting, there is an ever so slight chance that all four artists might be working together to take down a greater enemy. Weirdly there have been times throughout the last couple years where these supposed enemies were photographed together being friendly or praise each other in interviews, then out of no where the disses would start flying again.
To wrap things up I want to share my a few of my theories about the Drake/Kanye beef
A. Everything is exactly as it seems and the beef is over. Ye let his mental illness ruin his life and career so Drake simply picked another target after Ye stopped putting out disses. All of these connections are just a coincidence and all of this was choreographed to boost Drake and Kendrick’s music sales and possibly distract people from the Diddy trial and possibly the complicated geopolitical issues currently facing the U.S.
C. There is also the possibility that all four rappers are in cahoots and Drake’s dirt isn’t as extreme as people are theorizing, at least in comparison to the rest of the business. This could explain why everything has played out like a movie and how they were able to predict each other’s moves so well. This could either mean they’re all just trying to boost their sales or they’re all trying to take down the “slave masters,” as Ye calls them, and change the dynamic of the music industry in favor of the artist.
D. They may be trying to help their friends in the industry who are being abused or in shitty contracts. I know a lot of famous rappers have done a lot of collaborations with Jhene Aiko and Anderson Paak, who were both signed to T.U.G. records which I mentioned above in the connections to Universal Music Group. Considering they are both frequent collaborators with all of the artists involved on both sides, it’s not unlikely they may have played some part in influencing the takedown.
T.U.G was started by Chris Stokes with his partner Ketrina Askew. Back in the early to mid 90’s were gaining popularity attracting lots of young up and coming talent. They often collaborated with Diddy and his associates. In the 2000’s Raz B from the boy band B2K claimed he was molested by Stokes and his friend Marques Houston, then quickly retracted his claims. Years later he came forward again and said we was bribed into silence and that the rest of the victims were bribed with hush money and had another singer corroborate his story and they came forward together to level the accusations. After some of his former B2K members made fun of him for his claims and accused it of being a shakedown, Raz B revealed Stokes and Houston had preyed a lot of the children associated with the label including at least one of the former bandmates and paid them off.
I thought it was worth noting that the second whistleblower named Quindon Tarver died young in a car crash after mentioning his abuse again a few years prior. He seems to have left the industry not long after the incidents occurred and has few credits to his name. To this day Raz B is still trying to get his justice, while Stokes and his partner Askew, who was also involved in the abuse are still running the label to this day. Askew also has a ton of lawsuits, accusing her of using shady tactics to try to foreclose on houses. (Don’t quote me if a lawyer wants to take a look just google her full name), and has been tied to a ton of LLCs, similar to Drake. This is a good example of a shitty record deal, but I'm sure they have countless other friends in the industry who have even worse. While they were never convicted even Chris Stokes' wife confirmed it to be true.
E. The theory I personally think fits the narrative best and is the most realistic conspiracy is that Kendrick and possibly J. Cole went to the meeting, but not Drake due to his close relationship with Lucian Grange, the president of Drake’s label. Silence often speaks louder than words and this could explain why Kendrick was so ruthless and put so much effort into finding dirt on Drake. Ye, Cole, and Kendrick co-writing would be like the rap allstar team and if J. Cole wasn’t involved, it would also answer the question of whether or not he baited Drake into the battle by asking him to feature. I don’t think Drake is really their primary target though, which would explain letting him off easy. Compared to his bosses and their bosses he’s a small fish. If you take the big guys down you stand a better chance of landing a bigger blow on their operation.
Another really interesting connection is Kendrick and Ye were both signed under Universal Music Group and they both got out of their deals around couple months apart in 2022. As we speak U.M.G’s CEO Lucian Grange, who is often acccused of giving Drake special treatment, is facing charges related to sex trafficking by no other than P Diddy. This could very well explain the timing of it all. The craziest timeline would be Diddy masterminding all of this and using his connections to get it done and all the allegations are bullshit. The guy does seem pretty confident all things considered and constantly posts himself in his Batman costume which could mean he’s a vigilante.
It seems like there's a slight religious angle as well. (Ye and Diddy are both very vocal advocates of Christianity and Drake and Lucian Grange are both Jewish.) Obviously this is a reach, but they’ve been saying rap music was specifically promoted by mostly white label owners in the 80’s to help in the ongoing effort to expedite the systematic oppression of those living in black neighborhoods and the destruction of their family systems. Apparently it was an intentional decision to heavily promote rappers that promoted the very things that were destroying their neighborhoods. (So people know I'm and atheist and have zero agenda, I just thought it was interesting, please stay away from anything antisemitic. War is wrong on both sides.)
*** If my favorite theory is true, there is a possibility the Kendrick and Ye are going after Drake due to their mutual disdain for him and because he’s got a ton of power to dominate the charts and hog the radio airtime like Meek Mill and OG Maco claimed years ago. Even him dropping a record the same day as you could really fuck your album sales up. I’m also sure some of the many rumors throughout the years have had a least some truth and he will most likely snitch to avoid cell block one. I think that Drake could have been instructed to instigate this whole mess in order to draw attention away from the UMG charges brought about by Diddy. Or on the other hand it could be that Kendrick, Ye, and possibly Cole, may have had intel that Drake was going to be involved in the Diddy trial and are just gonna let the receipts show themselves. It might not have been the original plan, but they’ve already accomplished their mission of humiliating him, assuring he couldn’t use his influence to slide through the cracks, and taking over the throne.
Please take everything I say with a grain of salt I have no connection to this world or lifestyle. Regardless I believe all of the knowledge above does a pretty solid job at painting a picture of what may have let up to this and what may have been the source.
——————————-
More details found the last couple days…
Drake and Diddy Connections+Coincidences
Drake- In the P Diddy wig video from 2016 he talks about going to party with Drake, Cash, and The Weeknd in Toronto. Drake is also one of Birdman’s protégées who is known for being a predator and is rumored to have used label artists to lure young women.
Travis Scott- Interview where he comes out and says Diddy tried to lure him. Still has a long history of associating with him, video of him running from Diddy, his connection to Ruby Rose while underage.
Tim Westwood- Diddy had connections with sex offender Tim Westwood who also inspired the Drake song, “Westwood”. They also both were victims of drive by shootings along with The Weekend and they were all facing some type of allegations.
T.I.- Also has been associate with Diddy through the years, in 2021 his kid died and 11 women can forward at the same time to accuse him and his wife of drugging and assaulting them. Clearly someone wanted to fuck his life up. Possibly due to him getting arrested so many times for wild shit and people wondering how he continued to get away with it shining a light on how powerful industry lawyers are. He also had recently talked about having a gynecologist check to see if his daughter is still a Virgin, which sounds like it could have been an industrty secret. Could have been because he worried about someone trying to take advantage of her to get to him? Regardless that shit is fucking insane.
50 Cent- Has been saying pretty much the same thing as Travis Scott and has trolled Diddy for most of his career. It came out that his wife was a sex worker who was possibly recruited Diddy to help ruin his career. It sort of worked, which raises the question if 50 Cent is the only victim.
Ray J- Him and his sister worked with T.U.G. records when they were very young. Chris Stokes in the nineties who had connections with Diddy. He has been involved in a lot of sex scandals and allegedly may have played a part in Whitney Houston's death. (Which is also allegedly connected to Michael Jackson's death and both were deemed suspicious and happened during their final tours when their masters (song rights), became more valuable than their lives. Sony Records and Tommy Motolla, who also abused Mariah Carey when she was trying to start her career. These are just a few of the alleged examples of labels taking out musicians when they were worth more dead, another is the signing of high risk artists and requiring them to get life insurance so they can profit beyond releasing all their posthumous records. Also the ever so common story of the rising star artist that die at 21 after their first album or two.
He also partied with Diddy in Vegas with along Floyd Mayweather and a bunch of other famous industry people and athletes.
Tory Lanez- Tons of blackmail, also was signed by Interscope under UMG. got sent to prison for ten years after trying to leave his label. Also history of SA and and other allegations of violence towards women.
French Montana- On Diddy's label, close with Rick and Khaled, tons of drug and sexual assault allegations, also dated a Kardashian. Generally grimy.
DJ Khaled- Diddy said he could get anything in Miami, either referring to drugs or women, could explain his connections and lack of any notable talent. (New update, he was one of the first to promote Chris Alvarez’s instagram not long after he turned 18).
Rick Ross- Diddy said some weird shit about him and licked his lips and kissed him at a show. Ross is also signed to Bad Boy under Diddy. He ended up getting involved in the current feud and spamming social media nonstop dissing and threatening Drake.
A lot of the back and forth was both of them threatening to release dirt on each other. One strange coincidence I found was Drake recently trolled Ross about the 20 million dollar renovation to his home on Star island, where Diddy is currently residing. It’s rumored back in the day that P Diddy was caught in a room full of rich guys on ecstasy possibly at the beginning stages of a gay orgy. Drake also mentioned in the same tweets about Rick Ross that Birdman owned a house on the island and asked Rick Ross why he didn’t help him out.
Considering Ross is so sketchy and Drake claims the house isn’t that big, that’s a ridiculous amount of money. He may be covering up evidence, or creating tunnels in his house to escape if shit pops off and Drake might know what’s good. Interestingly enough Ross is very close with French Montana and also signed to Bad. He said his beef was related to something involving French, and Drake’s tweet popped up the same day the info came out concerning the Chris Alvarez stuff.
The famous line from U.O.E.N.O.
Meek Mill- “OG Maco called himself defending his friend Quentin Miller by substantiating the ghostwriting claims and agreeing with Meek. He hit up Twitter saying, "Some of us been knew. Meek just put it in the air. Sucks to have to compete with 6 n****s and get compared to”
Meek mill also had a short beef with Drake, some disses included lines referring to TI’s homie pissing on Drake at the movie theater, which is also interesting considering the current case against him. He also dropped a line saying Diddy almost got a domestic charge when he smacked Drake, which could either be saying that Drake is like a woman, or saying he was Drake’s boyfriend/sugar daddy.
( If you made it to the end comment with the number 8)
I thought it was interesting how the beef just kind of disappeared and even Meek said it didn’t seem genuine. Considering the allegations against Meek in the Diddy trial, and his rumored affair with Kim contributing to ending Kanye’s marriage, Meek Mill definitely did some dirt on him.
“Niggas frauds I told the truth, don't ask me shit
All this industry fake enemy and rap shit”
“Money make a sucker that told look trill again”
One of the many chapters in Drake's history in which he is seen paying his way out of trouble and starting beefs randomly.
“Now when that shit went down with Chris, you wrote a check”
This line is referring to Chris brown beef, another beef that was lost to time. All I can remember off the top was someone throwing a champagne bottle at the other’s entourage.
Ty Dolla $ign- Huge feature artist, close with Ye. Grew up in the industry and talks about growing up on the road and being in the studio with his dad and Rick James who was should have already been in prison for life for dragging, torturing, and S assaulting multiple women and children throughout his career and was himself a victim of the industry. May be part of Ye's motivation, considering their recent close working relationship.
The end.
Courtesy of,
The Randomest Moniker
submitted by RationalSchizo812020 to DarkKenny [link] [comments]
I tried posting this on kendrick almost a week ago and it got no response, I messaged the mods to ask about Karma restrictions or account age requirements and they never replied. I made a new account and it was the same issue, but I found out last night I wasn’t fully banned, so I figured I’d throw it up and see if anyone finds it valuable. It’s written for people who have no prior knowledge of the rap game/music business. I don’t have to go as hard on obscuring names this time. One of the influencers I mentioned in my last post is known for doxxing and threatening violence against people who mention the many contradictions in their stories. (Sorry for any typos/mistakes I want to go to bed.)
Origins
I believe the current Drake and Kendrick Lamar beef is either completely or partially fabricated by certain industry leaders or the parties involved in an effort to distract from something bigger going down behind the scenes. If you were an influential label owner facing major accusations, and you needed to deflect media attention from yourself, recreating one of the most defining moments in rap history during the social media era would be a way to do it. It also wouldn’t hurt that two of the biggest rappers in the world were already sending shots at each other in their music for years prior. The public consensus is they are simply two famous rappers who hate each other and fighting over the spot for the top like in the 90’s. Only people who were directly involved could paint a more cohesive picture of the whole story. Even when all the cards drop, there is a good chance the average person won’t be able to find direct sources on their own and will continue to support their favorite artists and dismiss any evidence of their crimes like the drizzy subreddit or Ak fans.
As I said the beef between Kendrick and Drake has been brewing in the background for years, with both rappers sending shots and sneak dissing each other over the course of at least 8 years. The most agreed upon origin story is the first diss was the 2016 Big Sean and Kendrick collaboration, “Control,” and Drake responded with, “The Language”. Things stayed relatively lighthearted for a while and both were intentionally vague for many years. Before I go deep into the Kendrick and Drake stuff, it’s really important to examine some of Drake’s prior beefs because they add a ton of context to my theory. In my opinion Kendrick and Co. started scheming all of this some time around Mid 2020-Mid 2022, well after the whole Pusha T beef had transitioned into the Kanye beef.
What exactly started the beef is debatable, but at the time many attributed it to rumors of Drake pursuing Ye’s ex Amber Rose. Unfortunately the timeline isn’t 100 percent clear, and if I included every detail this would be at least 200+ pages so I’ll stick with the important stuff. The ultimate outcome of the Pusha T battle in 2018 was the revelation of Drake’s son Adidon that he had previously been hiding from the world along with getting Ye directly involved in the beef.
Here are some more examples of Drake antagonizing Ye and of him trying to use women as pawns to get material for his diss tracks. The Drake line, “Yeah, I probably go link to Yeezy, I need me some Jesus, but as soon as I start confessin' my sins, he wouldn't believe us," could be a reference to sleeping with Kim Kardashian, trying to double down on his threats to harm him or his family, or it could be a double entendre. Another example is using the name Kiki in another song, which was apparently one of Kim’s nicknames. Some other possible examples include the theories he may have tried the same thing with Kendrick’s wife Whitney around 2020-2021 in an attempt to use as ammo against Kendrick, which I’ll go into later. I don’t listen to much of either artist's music, but there are probably many of other examples in Drake’s catalogue that I’m leaving out. There is also his song Omerta released in 2019, which I'll go into below.
“Your baby mother call me when she lonely My tailor see me twice a week, he like my homie Forever grateful, forever thankful Diamond necklace, but she wears it on her ankle”
(Probably referring to Kim Kardashian since she had a few pictures with her wearing diamond ankle bracelets and was trying to make it into a trend.
“I plan to buy your most personal belongings when they up for auction”
(There were various rumors floating around for a while that Drake was blackmailing Ye with something and he was fighting to keep it from the public. I thought about it and this line might be referencing a sex tape with Kim or her little sister who me was very touch before she turned 18. In 2022 there was a whole storyline on Kim’s show where Ye flies to LA to prevent her second sex tape from being released.)
West Hollywood, know my presence is menacing
Cosa Nostra, shady dealings
Racketeering, the syndicate got they hand in plenty things The things that we've done to protect the name are unsettling But no regrets, though, the name'll echo Years later, none greater
Death to a coward and a traitor, that's just in my nature, yeah
(Drake and Ye both frequented the Delilah Nightclub located in West Hollywood and lived closeby on the same street for a while.)
"I don't carry cash 'cause the money is digital
It's the American Expresser, the debt collector"
(Sounds a lot more like it could be crypto to launder or send large amounts of ill gotten gains. It started becoming mainstream around them)
"Last year, niggas really feel like they rode on me
Last year, niggas got hot 'cause they told on me
I'm 'bout to call the bluff of anybody the fold on me"
These lines stood out because they could be referring to Ye telling the public about Drake's alleged threats a couple months before the songs release. This happened not long after the release of Sicko mode which was towards the end of 2018 as well. Ye was discussing the incident on Twitter and reached out to Drake and Travis to talk to him in private. In the next set of tweets Kanye publicly accused Drake of threatening him and his family in a major way. Surprisingly Ye seemed genuinely scared and amongst his, “crazy rants,” some of the stuff he said makes a ton of sense in hindsight. This also the beginning of his second serious public struggles with Bipolar disorder after being committed in 2016 shortly after an on stage rant where he calls out Jay Z for selling out and says he's afraid he might kill him.. As someone who shares the same diagnosis, I have a pretty good understanding of mania and psychosis and firmly believe that it's important not to write people off right away due to their mental illness. Some of my most thoughtful, creative, and productive periods were inspired by mania. Industry bigwigs have also been using mental illness to discredit influential black celebrities and visionaries going back decades, but it really picked up in the 80’s.
Dave Chappelle has gone into this a lot in the past and claims he experienced something similar before he quit show business and dipped to Africa. Their stories have a lot of interesting parallels if you’re familiar or curious. I remember he actually visited Ye at his house in Wyoming after he was reported to have had a, "mental breakdown," during his presidential run in 2020 thus marking his third breakown in six years.. The reason I put it in quotes is because it happened right after he publicly accused Kim of cheating and delivered his legendary speech on abortion. Dave went as far as going on live tv and telling the public he wasn’t crazy, he was just really struggling because he was the only one at the time fighting against the narrative, which can often be a suicide mission or a ticket to obscurity. These are three examples of someone speaking up and being deemed crazy, two years later came the nazi stuff and I'm sure we'll have plenty in store for 2024.
This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the very common pattern of artists dying or having their careers destroyed either after they try to leave their label or threaten to reveal industry secrets. A few more interesting industry connections I made in my research include the connections between:
T.U.G. records and J Cole's independent label Dreamville are both managed by Interscope Records, whose parent company is Universal Music Group.
Universal Music Group also hac Drake's label OvO label as well as Ye and Kendrick's old labels on their roster before they left to form their own independent labels in 2022 (around the same time the disses between Kendrick and Drake started escalating). Finally Bad Boy Records, which is owned by Diddy, and Motown Records who own Diddy's other R&B label Love Records, are also both owned by Universal. This means every label I mention is currently or was previously owned by Universal Music Group.
Ye tried for years to get out of his contract with Defjam, which happens to be ran by Jay Z who is known to be a close associate of Diddy. Jay would always used his money and power to fight against it. Ye even spoke out publicly on a few occasions, including when he said Jay Z was trying to kill him during one of his concerts. My theory is after years of getting nowhere and having his reputation skewered, in 2022 Ye finally said, "Fuck it," and dropped all the anti- Semetic stuff intentionally in a successful attempt to force his label to into using their morality clause, which requires labels to drop an artist if they're accused of any major controversy that could hurt the label’s profits. For the fourth time in four years the media reported he was having a breakdown. Even though they tried to punish him by cutting off all of his sources of income and freezing his accounts he still managed to bounce back pretty quickly. It was often reported how much he was losing, but it rarely discussed how he still was filthy rich in spite of the retrictions. His label wanted to discourage other artists from trying the same thing. My theory is he might have bought Kim or Kylie's alleged sex tape and used it for his own leverage. For Kendrick, his transition to his independent label ApLang went a lot smoother, but he had to split ownership of his new label with the previous manager owner Dave Free. Sadly it's still difficult for new or more niche artists to establish themselves without the some help.
He may be a lot of things but Ye isn’t dumb just because he has a mood disorder and the guys at the top know this, which is why I think he has really played up his diagnosis when it benefitted him. He’s still one of the most talented musicians in the game and I really think he sees his bipolar like a superpower as he says. It’s like his own invisibility cloak. He can go off his meds for a little, make an album after staying up for 72 hours, go on a “psychotic” twitter rant dropping facts throughout, then start up again once he makes enough news headlines. I think it’s worth noting the first divorce rumors in 2020 coincided with Ye’s abortion speech during his presidential run and the cheating accusations. that led to him dropping out and moving to Wyoming, and a couple months ago in February 2024 he was committed again.
The point I’m making is bipolar is complex, but pretty manageable especially if you have a ton of money to find meds that work for you and a good doctor and can keep substance abuse and stress at a manageable level. I think Ye is smart enough to know this, but it’s just safer for him to really play up the mental issues in the media. He’s proven he can literally say whatever he wants after getting cancelled and the average person is just going to write it off as psycho babble. While bias in health care is a sad fact of society, if you can use it to your advantage I say go for it. It might’ve just kept the microscope off of him long enough to plan his attack.
Ye v. Drake: Quotes of 2018
(Start of the beef, drake threats, and suspicion towards Kardashian family. )
“ It’s not about rap. It’s about family. We have to be close as a family and never let these people infiltrate just for radio spins”
“We need to show the world that people can talk without people ending up dead or in jail.”
”This is a man speaking to a man that has been placed in the program to fuck with Kanye West head and set me up“
”See when you care about your family you don’t let no man push you to do nothing that could risk your freedom“
These first four tweets by Ye were all in reference to perceived threats made by Drake after their beef escalated circa 2018. He began speaking on the industry and talking more about his psych hospital commitment two years prior and how he thought they were going to kill him. It's pretty obvious how the whole thing was planned by the sketchy doctor who called it in and his physical trainer who has a ton of connections to weird shit involving his celebrity clients.
I found interesting that Ye might not have been the first major league rapper whose life Drake threatened. During a similar period of mental illness the up and coming rapper XXXtentacion accused Drake of stealing his flow and dissed him a few times. Not long after he made a post online saying if he dies, it was Drake who did it. There are tons of conspiracies online, but none of the evidence is strong enough to draw a definitive connection. Also while it maybe be coincidental, Kendrick’s latest album Mr Morale also painted the picture that Kendrick was dealing with some serious personal issues. Some lines throughout the album may have been used to bait Drake into escalating, but it wasn’t until The Weekend, Future, and Metro Booming dropped, “We Don’t Trust You,” then Drake and J. Cole dropped, “First Person Shooter,” which was followed a couple days later with, “Like That,” where Kendrick started the chain of events that has led us to today.
Kanye vs. Drake: Quotes of 2020
Summary: Ye runs for president and gets suppressed for saying what very well could be the truth and was immediately deemed insane by the media. Kim did a couple interviews and everything he said was immediatly false. There is almost guarenteed to be some sketchy shit going down revolving her and her family. Ye was absolutely terrified of her keeping the kids away from him and it seems like there are still efforts being made to this day to paint a certain image of him for ulterior motives.
Below are six more quotes from a fan taking a deep dive into his 2020 tweets courtesy of u/ thehatstore42069 on Yeezy
”NORTHY I AM GOING TO WAR AND PUTTING MY LIFE ON THE LINE AND IF I AM MURDERED DON’T EVER LET WHITE MEDIA TELL YOU I WASNT A GOOD MAN,” West, 43, wrote in the tweet, adding, “WHEN PEOPLE THREATEN TO TAKE YOU OUT OF MY LIFE JUST KNOW I LOVE YOU”
"I need a public apology from J Cole and Drake to start with immediately... I'm Nat Turner... I'm fighting for us."
"the utmost respect for all brothers" and said "we need to link and respect each other... no more dissing each other on labels we don't own"
"Ye is constantly trying to tell people that his family does not have his or his kids best interests at heart. He goes on to list others, linking them together with the thinking emoji. These people include rap artist Drake and Larsa Pippen, wife of Scottie Pippe. Kim K is goddaughter to Pippen's daughter, showing how close the families actually are. All of these families that associate with Ye through Kardashian connections, as well as Drake, have been accused of the same thing Kris has. EVERY SINGLE ONE of these people have mixed race children that are groomed from a young age to fuck around with celebrities so the parents can remain famous. Drake on numerous occasions has been accused of grooming girls and then getting handsy on their 18th birthday.”
“These labels want their artists to make them money and they dont care about anything else. When Kanye says things like this in an attempt to expose him, the first thing they wanna do is drug him up and put him back in the studio.”
“Righteous indignation is typically a reactive emotion of anger over mistreatment, insult, or malice of another. It is akin to what is called the sense of injustice. This is how they keep the black man down. Keep people outraged about trivial things and distract them from the real issues in the world. The real problems in the industry. If you tell people enough times that they are unequal or discriminated against they start to believe it. Drug them when they step out of line and toss them aside when the checks run out. Ye is realizing he is pawn in a bigger game, and now that he has all these roots in the game such as Yeezy or the Gap or his music, too many people cant risk (Afford) a Ye who speaks his mind.”
(End of quotes)
Amongst the twitter rant, Ye warned about the predatory nature of record deals and discussed trying to get out of his own deal, and said again how his life may be in danger if it wasn’t already and was doing anything he could to protect his kids. The most fascinating part to me though is the public call to arms he made to Drake, J Cole, and Kendrick on twitter. After inviting them to all link up, he said, “It’s time to get free, we will not argue amongst each other while some guy we don’t know in Europe is getting paid and putting that money in a hedge fund.” I believe if Ye was able to pull off this meeting, there is an ever so slight chance that all four artists might be working together to take down a greater enemy. Weirdly there have been times throughout the last couple years where these supposed enemies were photographed together being friendly or praise each other in interviews, then out of no where the disses would start flying again.
To wrap things up I want to share my a few of my theories about the Drake/Kanye beef
A. Everything is exactly as it seems and the beef is over. Ye let his mental illness ruin his life and career so Drake simply picked another target after Ye stopped putting out disses. All of these connections are just a coincidence and all of this was choreographed to boost Drake and Kendrick’s music sales and possibly distract people from the Diddy trial and possibly the complicated geopolitical issues currently facing the U.S.
C. There is also the possibility that all four rappers are in cahoots and Drake’s dirt isn’t as extreme as people are theorizing, at least in comparison to the rest of the business. This could explain why everything has played out like a movie and how they were able to predict each other’s moves so well. This could either mean they’re all just trying to boost their sales or they’re all trying to take down the “slave masters,” as Ye calls them, and change the dynamic of the music industry in favor of the artist.
D. They may be trying to help their friends in the industry who are being abused or in shitty contracts. I know a lot of famous rappers have done a lot of collaborations with Jhene Aiko and Anderson Paak, who were both signed to T.U.G. records which I mentioned above in the connections to Universal Music Group. Considering they are both frequent collaborators with all of the artists involved on both sides, it’s not unlikely they may have played some part in influencing the takedown.
T.U.G was started by Chris Stokes with his partner Ketrina Askew. Back in the early to mid 90’s were gaining popularity attracting lots of young up and coming talent. They often collaborated with Diddy and his associates. In the 2000’s Raz B from the boy band B2K claimed he was molested by Stokes and his friend Marques Houston, then quickly retracted his claims. Years later he came forward again and said we was bribed into silence and that the rest of the victims were bribed with hush money and had another singer corroborate his story and they came forward together to level the accusations. After some of his former B2K members made fun of him for his claims and accused it of being a shakedown, Raz B revealed Stokes and Houston had preyed a lot of the children associated with the label including at least one of the former bandmates and paid them off.
I thought it was worth noting that the second whistleblower named Quindon Tarver died young in a car crash after mentioning his abuse again a few years prior. He seems to have left the industry not long after the incidents occurred and has few credits to his name. To this day Raz B is still trying to get his justice, while Stokes and his partner Askew, who was also involved in the abuse are still running the label to this day. Askew also has a ton of lawsuits, accusing her of using shady tactics to try to foreclose on houses. (Don’t quote me if a lawyer wants to take a look just google her full name), and has been tied to a ton of LLCs, similar to Drake. This is a good example of a shitty record deal, but I'm sure they have countless other friends in the industry who have even worse. While they were never convicted even Chris Stokes' wife confirmed it to be true.
E. The theory I personally think fits the narrative best and is the most realistic conspiracy is that Kendrick and possibly J. Cole went to the meeting, but not Drake due to his close relationship with Lucian Grange, the president of Drake’s label. Silence often speaks louder than words and this could explain why Kendrick was so ruthless and put so much effort into finding dirt on Drake. Ye, Cole, and Kendrick co-writing would be like the rap allstar team and if J. Cole wasn’t involved, it would also answer the question of whether or not he baited Drake into the battle by asking him to feature. I don’t think Drake is really their primary target though, which would explain letting him off easy. Compared to his bosses and their bosses he’s a small fish. If you take the big guys down you stand a better chance of landing a bigger blow on their operation.
Another really interesting connection is Kendrick and Ye were both signed under Universal Music Group and they both got out of their deals around couple months apart in 2022. As we speak U.M.G’s CEO Lucian Grange, who is often acccused of giving Drake special treatment, is facing charges related to sex trafficking by no other than P Diddy. This could very well explain the timing of it all. The craziest timeline would be Diddy masterminding all of this and using his connections to get it done and all the allegations are bullshit. The guy does seem pretty confident all things considered and constantly posts himself in his Batman costume which could mean he’s a vigilante.
It seems like there's a slight religious angle as well. (Ye and Diddy are both very vocal advocates of Christianity and Drake and Lucian Grange are both Jewish.) Obviously this is a reach, but they’ve been saying rap music was specifically promoted by mostly white label owners in the 80’s to help in the ongoing effort to expedite the systematic oppression of those living in black neighborhoods and the destruction of their family systems. Apparently it was an intentional decision to heavily promote rappers that promoted the very things that were destroying their neighborhoods. (So people know I'm and atheist and have zero agenda, I just thought it was interesting, please stay away from anything antisemitic. War is wrong on both sides.)
*** If my favorite theory is true, there is a possibility the Kendrick and Ye are going after Drake due to their mutual disdain for him and because he’s got a ton of power to dominate the charts and hog the radio airtime like Meek Mill and OG Maco claimed years ago. Even him dropping a record the same day as you could really fuck your album sales up. I’m also sure some of the many rumors throughout the years have had a least some truth and he will most likely snitch to avoid cell block one. I think that Drake could have been instructed to instigate this whole mess in order to draw attention away from the UMG charges brought about by Diddy. Or on the other hand it could be that Kendrick, Ye, and possibly Cole, may have had intel that Drake was going to be involved in the Diddy trial and are just gonna let the receipts show themselves. It might not have been the original plan, but they’ve already accomplished their mission of humiliating him, assuring he couldn’t use his influence to slide through the cracks, and taking over the throne.
Please take everything I say with a grain of salt I have no connection to this world or lifestyle. Regardless I believe all of the knowledge above does a pretty solid job at painting a picture of what may have let up to this and what may have been the source.
——————————-
More details found the last couple days…
Drake and Diddy Connections+Coincidences
Drake- In the P Diddy wig video from 2016 he talks about going to party with Drake, Cash, and The Weeknd in Toronto. Drake is also one of Birdman’s protégées who is known for being a predator and is rumored to have used label artists to lure young women.
Travis Scott- Interview where he comes out and says Diddy tried to lure him. Still has a long history of associating with him, video of him running from Diddy, his connection to Ruby Rose while underage.
Tim Westwood- Diddy had connections with sex offender Tim Westwood who also inspired the Drake song, “Westwood”. They also both were victims of drive by shootings along with The Weekend and they were all facing some type of allegations.
T.I.- Also has been associate with Diddy through the years, in 2021 his kid died and 11 women can forward at the same time to accuse him and his wife of drugging and assaulting them. Clearly someone wanted to fuck his life up. Possibly due to him getting arrested so many times for wild shit and people wondering how he continued to get away with it shining a light on how powerful industry lawyers are. He also had recently talked about having a gynecologist check to see if his daughter is still a Virgin, which sounds like it could have been an industrty secret. Could have been because he worried about someone trying to take advantage of her to get to him? Regardless that shit is fucking insane.
50 Cent- Has been saying pretty much the same thing as Travis Scott and has trolled Diddy for most of his career. It came out that his wife was a sex worker who was possibly recruited Diddy to help ruin his career. It sort of worked, which raises the question if 50 Cent is the only victim.
Ray J- Him and his sister worked with T.U.G. records when they were very young. Chris Stokes in the nineties who had connections with Diddy. He has been involved in a lot of sex scandals and allegedly may have played a part in Whitney Houston's death. (Which is also allegedly connected to Michael Jackson's death and both were deemed suspicious and happened during their final tours when their masters (song rights), became more valuable than their lives. Sony Records and Tommy Motolla, who also abused Mariah Carey when she was trying to start her career. These are just a few of the alleged examples of labels taking out musicians when they were worth more dead, another is the signing of high risk artists and requiring them to get life insurance so they can profit beyond releasing all their posthumous records. Also the ever so common story of the rising star artist that die at 21 after their first album or two.
He also partied with Diddy in Vegas with along Floyd Mayweather and a bunch of other famous industry people and athletes.
Tory Lanez- Tons of blackmail, also was signed by Interscope under UMG. got sent to prison for ten years after trying to leave his label. Also history of SA and and other allegations of violence towards women.
French Montana- On Diddy's label, close with Rick and Khaled, tons of drug and sexual assault allegations, also dated a Kardashian. Generally grimy.
DJ Khaled- Diddy said he could get anything in Miami, either referring to drugs or women, could explain his connections and lack of any notable talent. (New update, he was one of the first to promote Chris Alvarez’s instagram not long after he turned 18).
Rick Ross- Diddy said some weird shit about him and licked his lips and kissed him at a show. Ross is also signed to Bad Boy under Diddy. He ended up getting involved in the current feud and spamming social media nonstop dissing and threatening Drake.
A lot of the back and forth was both of them threatening to release dirt on each other. One strange coincidence I found was Drake recently trolled Ross about the 20 million dollar renovation to his home on Star island, where Diddy is currently residing. It’s rumored back in the day that P Diddy was caught in a room full of rich guys on ecstasy possibly at the beginning stages of a gay orgy. Drake also mentioned in the same tweets about Rick Ross that Birdman owned a house on the island and asked Rick Ross why he didn’t help him out.
Considering Ross is so sketchy and Drake claims the house isn’t that big, that’s a ridiculous amount of money. He may be covering up evidence, or creating tunnels in his house to escape if shit pops off and Drake might know what’s good. Interestingly enough Ross is very close with French Montana and also signed to Bad. He said his beef was related to something involving French, and Drake’s tweet popped up the same day the info came out concerning the Chris Alvarez stuff.
The famous line from U.O.E.N.O.
Meek Mill- “OG Maco called himself defending his friend Quentin Miller by substantiating the ghostwriting claims and agreeing with Meek. He hit up Twitter saying, "Some of us been knew. Meek just put it in the air. Sucks to have to compete with 6 n****s and get compared to”
Meek mill also had a short beef with Drake, some disses included lines referring to TI’s homie pissing on Drake at the movie theater, which is also interesting considering the current case against him. He also dropped a line saying Diddy almost got a domestic charge when he smacked Drake, which could either be saying that Drake is like a woman, or saying he was Drake’s boyfriend/sugar daddy.
( If you made it to the end comment with the number 8)
I thought it was interesting how the beef just kind of disappeared and even Meek said it didn’t seem genuine. Considering the allegations against Meek in the Diddy trial, and his rumored affair with Kim contributing to ending Kanye’s marriage, Meek Mill definitely did some dirt on him.
“Niggas frauds I told the truth, don't ask me shit
All this industry fake enemy and rap shit”
“Money make a sucker that told look trill again”
One of the many chapters in Drake's history in which he is seen paying his way out of trouble and starting beefs randomly.
“Now when that shit went down with Chris, you wrote a check”
This line is referring to Chris brown beef, another beef that was lost to time. All I can remember off the top was someone throwing a champagne bottle at the other’s entourage.
Ty Dolla $ign- Huge feature artist, close with Ye. Grew up in the industry and talks about growing up on the road and being in the studio with his dad and Rick James who was should have already been in prison for life for dragging, torturing, and S assaulting multiple women and children throughout his career and was himself a victim of the industry. May be part of Ye's motivation, considering their recent close working relationship.
The end.
Courtesy of,
The Randomest Moniker
2024.05.16 07:07 Opaquer Today's daily (16/05/2024) 50 stage guide
Hey everyone, I'm back for yet another daily guide! Sorry I didn't get around to one the last couple of days - I tried on the 14th and oh boy was that hard. I gave up half way through because I ran out of time! Thankfully this one is much better because I still had my sanity by the end!
As we've previously found, reloading the browser makes changes to the rng, so now I have notes when the browser has been reloaded so you can reload it too :). As per usual, sorry about the reloads - it'd be much easier if there weren't any, but I had some issues and instead of being able to restart I had to reload. Also there's at least one place where I've said to quit to menu and continue - I don't think this is the same as a reload, so maybe don't reload and just quit to menu instead?
Also, as we've found out, it looks like different browsers have different RNG. I use firefox when making my guides, but if you use chrome, there may be some small differences here and there. If you do use chrome and have some differences, let me know - I'm trying to get some evidence so I can figure out what the changes are and see if there's a way to nullify them so we can have a single guide for any type of browser :)
One thing is that I've got a test run happening in the background - I've tested this guide up to 16 so far (updated as I go) to make sure I haven't missed any notes, but that's as far as I've gone so far, so from stage 17 onwards there might be some reloads missing. If so, let me know and I can update it, or if I get time to do more testing I'll update this note as I go.
ALSO ALSO: we're still trying to figure out exactly what the relationship with reloading is. For now, if when you need to reload, reload once you've chosen your pokemon for the battle, as, on average, that's when I would reload. I don't know if it'll make a difference, but it can't hurt to try and see what happens :)
As per the others, I'm still learning about all this, so sorry for any mistakes I've made - I probably missed at least a couple of reloads, but hopefully I got the majority of them.
A couple of things to note: There's a DNA splicer on wave 38 rewards. I've never used it before and asked the discord who would be some good options to use it for, and people were saying it probably wasn't worth it. If you want to fuse some things together though, go ahead! I will say that if you do, I got offered a Garchompite on wave 41, so if you want to fuse two pokemon together, make sure to do it with garchomp first. That said, taking the DNA splicer may change your rng so you may not get the garchompite, but I'll leave that as an experiment for you to test :)
Lastly, it seems like there's a bug in the game - I've heard it's best to change the "EXP Party Display" to "Normal" as if it's not on normal, sometimes moves you've learnt will disappear when you exit to the menu.
There's also a few waves where there's some max IV stat pokemon:
The table above represents the pokemon I catch in the guide with a max IV stat, however others have played through it and have gone off the guide to catch other pokemon, and through those actions we've found a few more max IV stat pokemon. Note that if you do catch one of the below, the rest of the guide might be off by a bit:
I think I got all the unique mons for the candies except one (silly brambleghast didn't want to be caught?), but I might have missed some.
With the below steps, if I haven't said to take a move when one is offered, that means to not learn it. For the table, there's two columns relating to moves - one for moves to take and one for moves to replace. For example, if the "Move(s) to take..." column has Headbutt and the corresponding row in the "... by replacing move(s)" column has Wrap, it would mean you need to replace wrap with headbutt at this stage when it's offered - and if during that stage a different move is offered, don't take it if it's not on the list. Also if there's multiple moves to be offered, the moves offered in the table are listed from top to bottom of the order you get them - so if you have something like the below, it means that Crunch will be offered before Headbutt will, which will be before Firethrower (and their associated replacements):
Also, if there are multiple waves back to back that have the same pokemon (or are within a few waves of each other), I'll label them as 1 and 2 - i.e. Linoone 1 and Linoone 2. This is to help avoid confusion if you're looking back and forth and trying to figure out where you're at
Lastly, with the steps below, if I don't say to switch out to a pokemon, that means you use the pokemon that's come out automatically.
With that, here's the guide:
Steps:
Reward: Pokeballs
Wave 2: Fletchinder
Steps:
Reward: Potion swablu
Wave 3: Swablu
Steps:
Reward: Super potion swablu
Wave 4: Pidgeotto and Spoink
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: So when I started this fight, Spoink got poisoned from toxic spikes somehow (though I can't remember how?) It felt weird, so I exited to the main menu and continued, and it removed the spikes and the poison, so you should too.
Steps:
Reward: Ultraball
Wave 5: Trainer Joren and Myra
Steps:
Reward: Mega bracelet
Wave 6: Pidgeotto
Note for this wave: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
Steps:
Reward: Potion fletch
Wave 7: Swablu
Steps:
Reward: Pokeballs
Wave 8: Staravia
Steps:
Reward: Pokeballs
Wave 9: Geodude
Steps:
Reward: Potion fletch
Wave 10: Shieldon
Steps:
Reward: Stage end
Note for this wave: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
Steps:
Reward: Rare candy fletch
Wave 12: Goomy
Steps:
Reward: Potion swablu
Wave 13: Goomy and Goomy
Steps:
Reward: X Atk
Wave 14: Gabite
Steps:
Reward: Potion gabite
Wave 15: Trainer Trisha
Note for this wave: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
Steps:
Reward: Potion talonflame
Wave 16: Jangmo-o
Steps:
Reward: Potion talonflame
Wave 17: Goomy
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: Exit to menu to remove spikes
Steps:
Reward: Reroll, Super potion gabite
Wave 18: Drampa
Steps:
Reward: Reviver seed talonflame
Wave 19: Goomy and Drampa
Steps:
Reward: Great balls (ps: you might be wondering why I would possibly choose great balls over the revive I so desperately need. Well, I was too excited to get the revive I accidentally went too far over and picked up the great balls :( )
Wave 20: Trainer Drayden
Steps:
Reward: Stage end (sheesh, what a fight)
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: This camerupt has max (31) HP stat
Steps:
Reward: EXP All
Wave 22: Sinistcha
Steps:
Reward: Potion glimmet
Wave 23: Sandslash and Dugtrio
Note for this wave: (this is a tentative note until I can prove it, but in the meantime maybe try reloading here just to be safe) I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
Steps:
Reward: Ultraball
Wave 24: Scovillain
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: This scovillain has max (31) Sp. Atk stat
Steps:
Reward: Super potion cinder
Wave 25: Trainer Yvette
Steps:
Reward: Potion cinder
Wave 26: Mudsdale 1
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: I exited to menu here so the spikes disappeared
Steps:
Reward: Potion Sinistcha
Wave 27: Scovillain
Steps:
Reward: Hyper potion Sinistcha
Wave 28: Donphan
Steps:
Reward: Pokeballs
Wave 29: Mudsdale 2
Steps:
Reward: Great balls
Wave 30: Trainer Clay
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
Steps:
Reward: Stage end
Steps:
Reward: Pokeballs
Wave 32: Sandslash
Steps:
Reward: Pokeballs
Wave 33: Rabsca
Steps:
Reward: Dire hit
Wave 34: Sandslash and Brambleghast
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: Sorry, I couldn't find a way to catch brambleghast no matter what I tried
Steps:
Reward: Super potion claw
Wave 35: Trainer Sonia
Steps:
Reward: Rarer candy
Wave 36: Orthworm 1
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: Couldn't catch it, but we get one one W38
Steps:
Reward: Potion garchomp
Wave 37: Brambleghast
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: Brambleghasts do NOT want to be caught today - sorry
Steps:
Reward: Dire hit
Wave 38: Orthworm 2
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: This orthworm has max (31) Sp. Def
Steps:
Reward: Potion garchomp - note: there IS a DNA splicer here, but I haven't used it before. I asked around and people in the discord said it might not necessarily be worth it for these guys, but if you want to try for yourself, go ahead! It may change the RNG as discussed above, but it could be pretty fun!
Wave 39: Rabsca
Steps:
Reward: Super potion garchomp
Wave 40: Trainer Gordie
Steps:
Reward: Stage end
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: This one is killed but we catch another one on W48
Steps:
Reward: Garchompite on garchomp
Wave 42: Alakazam 1
Steps:
Reward: Reroll, Super potion sinistcha
Wave 43: Sigilyph
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
Steps:
Reward: Enigma berry garchomp
Wave 44: Alakazam 2
Steps:
Reward: PP Max garchomp's bulldoze
Wave 45: Trainer Walter and Janie
Steps:
Reward: Reroll x 2, X Sp. Atk
Wave 46: Claydol 1
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: This guy just self destructs ASAP, but we do catch another one next wave
Steps:
Reward: Ganlon berry garchomp
Wave 47: Claydol 2
Steps:
Reward: X Speed
Wave 48: Xatu
Steps:
Reward: PP Up cinder's double pyro ball
Wave 49: Grumpig
Steps:
Reward: X Speed
Wave 50: Dialga
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late. That said, for this wave it probably doesn't matter, but better to be safe than sorry.
Steps:
Reward: Daily done!
That should be it! Enjoy your egg vouchers and I hope you get good things! As usual, any changes or anything let me know - I'll be doing a test run in the background when I can to hopefully catch anything else, but if you find waves that don't make sense or reloads that are needed let me know and I can add them in! Also like I said if you find any differences between this and your run and you're playing on a chromium browser, let me know as well :)
submitted by Opaquer to pokerogue [link] [comments]
As we've previously found, reloading the browser makes changes to the rng, so now I have notes when the browser has been reloaded so you can reload it too :). As per usual, sorry about the reloads - it'd be much easier if there weren't any, but I had some issues and instead of being able to restart I had to reload. Also there's at least one place where I've said to quit to menu and continue - I don't think this is the same as a reload, so maybe don't reload and just quit to menu instead?
Also, as we've found out, it looks like different browsers have different RNG. I use firefox when making my guides, but if you use chrome, there may be some small differences here and there. If you do use chrome and have some differences, let me know - I'm trying to get some evidence so I can figure out what the changes are and see if there's a way to nullify them so we can have a single guide for any type of browser :)
One thing is that I've got a test run happening in the background - I've tested this guide up to 16 so far (updated as I go) to make sure I haven't missed any notes, but that's as far as I've gone so far, so from stage 17 onwards there might be some reloads missing. If so, let me know and I can update it, or if I get time to do more testing I'll update this note as I go.
ALSO ALSO: we're still trying to figure out exactly what the relationship with reloading is. For now, if when you need to reload, reload once you've chosen your pokemon for the battle, as, on average, that's when I would reload. I don't know if it'll make a difference, but it can't hurt to try and see what happens :)
As per the others, I'm still learning about all this, so sorry for any mistakes I've made - I probably missed at least a couple of reloads, but hopefully I got the majority of them.
A couple of things to note: There's a DNA splicer on wave 38 rewards. I've never used it before and asked the discord who would be some good options to use it for, and people were saying it probably wasn't worth it. If you want to fuse some things together though, go ahead! I will say that if you do, I got offered a Garchompite on wave 41, so if you want to fuse two pokemon together, make sure to do it with garchomp first. That said, taking the DNA splicer may change your rng so you may not get the garchompite, but I'll leave that as an experiment for you to test :)
Lastly, it seems like there's a bug in the game - I've heard it's best to change the "EXP Party Display" to "Normal" as if it's not on normal, sometimes moves you've learnt will disappear when you exit to the menu.
There's also a few waves where there's some max IV stat pokemon:
| Pokemon | Max stat (31) | Wave |
|---|---|---|
| Camerupt | HP | 21 |
| Scovillain | Sp. Atk | 24 |
| Orthworm | Sp. Def | 38 |
| Pokemon | Max stat (31) | Wave |
|---|---|---|
| Alakazam | HP | 44 |
With the below steps, if I haven't said to take a move when one is offered, that means to not learn it. For the table, there's two columns relating to moves - one for moves to take and one for moves to replace. For example, if the "Move(s) to take..." column has Headbutt and the corresponding row in the "... by replacing move(s)" column has Wrap, it would mean you need to replace wrap with headbutt at this stage when it's offered - and if during that stage a different move is offered, don't take it if it's not on the list. Also if there's multiple moves to be offered, the moves offered in the table are listed from top to bottom of the order you get them - so if you have something like the below, it means that Crunch will be offered before Headbutt will, which will be before Firethrower (and their associated replacements):
| Move(s) to take... | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Crunch | Vine whip |
| Heatbutt | Astonish |
| Firethrower | Water gun |
Lastly, with the steps below, if I don't say to switch out to a pokemon, that means you use the pokemon that's come out automatically.
With that, here's the guide:
Stage 1
Wave 1: SwabluSteps:
- Ancient power
- Pokeball
- Transfer charcoal from glimmet to raboot
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 2: Fletchinder
Steps:
- Confuse ray
- Pokeball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Venoshock | Rain dance |
Wave 3: Swablu
Steps:
- Ancient power
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 4: Pidgeotto and Spoink
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: So when I started this fight, Spoink got poisoned from toxic spikes somehow (though I can't remember how?) It felt weird, so I exited to the main menu and continued, and it removed the spikes and the poison, so you should too.
Steps:
- Switch glimmet with fletch and clauncher with raboot
- Flame charge x 2 on pidgeotto
- Flame charge x 2 on pidgeotto
- Pokeball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Acrobatics | Growl |
Wave 5: Trainer Joren and Myra
Steps:
- Acrobatics and flame charge seviper
- Flame charge x 2 mawile
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 6: Pidgeotto
Note for this wave: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
Steps:
- Flame charge
- Acrobatics
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 7: Swablu
Steps:
- Acrobatics x 2
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 8: Staravia
Steps:
- Switch to clauncher
- Pokeball x 2
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 9: Geodude
Steps:
- Aqua jet
- Pokeball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 10: Shieldon
Steps:
- Switch to raboot
- Double kick
- Pokeball x 3
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Stage 2
Wave 11: SwabluNote for this wave: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
Steps:
- Switch to fletch
- Acrobatics x 2
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 12: Goomy
Steps:
- Switch to swablu
- Dragon breath x 2
- Pokeball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 13: Goomy and Goomy
Steps:
- Switch claunder with fletch
- Dragon breath and acrobatics left (L31) goomy
- Dragon break and acrobatics
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 14: Gabite
Steps:
- Dragon breath x 3
- Pokeball
- Ultra ball
- Replace swablu with gabite
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Headbutt | Baton pass |
Wave 15: Trainer Trisha
Note for this wave: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
Steps:
- Acrobatics
- Switch to glimmet
- Spikes (glimmet dies here)
- Bring out fletch
- Acrobatics
- Switch to raboot
- Heatbutt x 2
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Water pulse | Snore |
| Rest | Splash |
| Power gem | Growl |
Wave 16: Jangmo-o
Steps:
- Pokeball x 2
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Slash | Sand attack |
Wave 17: Goomy
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: Exit to menu to remove spikes
Steps:
- Switch to talonflame
- Acrobatics
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 18: Drampa
Steps:
- Pokeball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Pyro ball | Flame charge |
Wave 19: Goomy and Drampa
Steps:
- Acrobatics goomy and double kick drampa
- Talonflame dies and revives
- Acrobatics and double kick drampa
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Aerial ace | Flail |
Wave 20: Trainer Drayden
Steps:
- Switch to gabite
- Dragon breath x 2
- Switch to grumpig
- Rest
- Psybeam (grumpig dies here)
- Bring out talonflame
- Acrobatics x 3 (talon dies here)
- Bring out gabite
- Dragon breath (gabite dies here)
- Bring out clauncher
- Smack down
- Rest (claunder dies here)
- Bring out cinder
- Attact
- Headbutt x 3
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Stage 3
Wave 21: CameruptNOTE FOR THIS WAVE: This camerupt has max (31) HP stat
Steps:
- Switch to clauncher
- Pokeball x 2
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Snore | Psych up |
Wave 22: Sinistcha
Steps:
- Switch to glimmet
- Venoshock x 2
- Pokeball
- Replace grumping with sinistcha
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Rock slide | Confuse Ray |
Wave 23: Sandslash and Dugtrio
Note for this wave: (this is a tentative note until I can prove it, but in the meantime maybe try reloading here just to be safe) I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
Steps:
- Switch glimmet with claw and cinder with talonflame
- Aqua jet sandslash and acrobatics dugtrio
- Pokeball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Mortal spin | Rock slide |
Wave 24: Scovillain
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: This scovillain has max (31) Sp. Atk stat
Steps:
- Switch to cinder
- Headbutt
- Pokeball x 2
- Ultra ball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 25: Trainer Yvette
Steps:
- Pyro ball x 2
- Double kick
- Switch to talonflame
- Acrobatics
- Switch to glimmora
- Mortal spin
- Venoshock x 2
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Dragon claw | Slash |
| Power gem | Ancient power |
| Aura sphere | Rest |
| Stength sap | Matcha gotcha |
Wave 26: Mudsdale 1
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: I exited to menu here so the spikes disappeared
Steps:
- Switch to sinistcha
- Mega drain x 3 (this kills mudsdale, but we get another one on W29)
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 27: Scovillain
Steps:
- Switch to talonflame
- Aerial ace x 2
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 28: Donphan
Steps:
- Great ball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 29: Mudsdale 2
Steps:
- Switch to sinistcha
- Mega drain x 2
- Pokeball x 2
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Crunch | Bite |
Wave 30: Trainer Clay
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
Steps:
- Strength sap x 3
- Mega drain x 4
- Switch to claw (claw dies here)
- Bring out garchomp
- Bulldoze x 2
- Crunch x 3
- Bulldoze x 2
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Shadow ball | Hex |
Stage 4
Wave 31: DrapionSteps:
- Pokeball
- Bulldoze
- Great ball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Bounce | Aqua jet |
Wave 32: Sandslash
Steps:
- Switch to claw
- Water pulse
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 33: Rabsca
Steps:
- Switch to talonflame
- Pokeball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 34: Sandslash and Brambleghast
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: Sorry, I couldn't find a way to catch brambleghast no matter what I tried
Steps:
- Switch cinder with claw
- Aerial ace bramble and water pulse sandslash (this kills them)
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| Steel wing | Aerial ace |
Wave 35: Trainer Sonia
Steps:
- Switch to garchomp
- Crunch x 2
- Bulldoze x 2
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 36: Orthworm 1
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: Couldn't catch it, but we get one one W38
Steps:
- Switch to cinder
- Pyro ball (this kills it)
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 37: Brambleghast
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: Brambleghasts do NOT want to be caught today - sorry
Steps:
- Pyro ball (this kills it)
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 38: Orthworm 2
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: This orthworm has max (31) Sp. Def
Steps:
- Double kick
- Headbutt
- Switch to talon
- Ember
- Ultra ball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 39: Rabsca
Steps:
- Acrobatics
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 40: Trainer Gordie
Steps:
- Switch to sinistcha
- Switch to claw
- Water pulse
- Aura sphere x 2
- Water pulse
- Aura sphere x 2 (claw dies)
- Bring out sinistcha
- Mega drain
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Stage 5
Wave 41: XatuNOTE FOR THIS WAVE: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: This one is killed but we catch another one on W48
Steps:
- Shadow ball (this kills xatu, but we get one on W48)
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 42: Alakazam 1
Steps:
- Ultra ball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 43: Sigilyph
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late
Steps:
- Switch to garchomp
- Pokeball
- Great ball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 44: Alakazam 2
Steps:
- Crunch
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 45: Trainer Walter and Janie
Steps:
- Bulldoze and swap out claw with talonflame
- Bulldoze and acrobatics
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 46: Claydol 1
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: This guy just self destructs ASAP, but we do catch another one next wave
Steps:
- Switch to sinistra
- Pokeball (claydol self destructs and dies)
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 47: Claydol 2
Steps:
- Mega drain
- Pokeball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 48: Xatu
Steps:
- Pokeball
- Ultra ball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 49: Grumpig
Steps:
- Mega drain
- Ultra ball
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
Wave 50: Dialga
NOTE FOR THIS WAVE: I reloaded my browser here; make sure to reload during the fight once it's started, and not too late. That said, for this wave it probably doesn't matter, but better to be safe than sorry.
Steps:
- Strength sap x 4 (sinistcha dies here)
- Bring out garchomp
- Bulldoze x 4 (garchomp dies here)
- Bring out claw
- Aura sphere
- DAILY DONE
| Move(s) to take | ... by replacing move(s) |
|---|---|
| None | None |
That should be it! Enjoy your egg vouchers and I hope you get good things! As usual, any changes or anything let me know - I'll be doing a test run in the background when I can to hopefully catch anything else, but if you find waves that don't make sense or reloads that are needed let me know and I can add them in! Also like I said if you find any differences between this and your run and you're playing on a chromium browser, let me know as well :)
2024.05.16 05:54 Loudproudfrog Royaltan Bavaro All-Inclusive in Punta Cana A Vegan Couple’s Review
As a vegan couple in our late 20’s/early 30’s, I find vegan reviews SUPER helpful - so I thought I’d leave an honest review of our week vacation at the Royaltan Bavaro’s All-Inclusive resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
Room: It’s a family resort, so set your expectations for some wear and tear. Our room (building 18, 4th floor) had definitely seen better days - specifically, the furniture. It felt like everything needed to be sanitized, but I’m also a big germaphobe. We didn’t get sick or anything and housekeeping does a good job at tidying up, but just set expectations - it’s not going to be a beautiful, luxurious room, but we felt comfortable
Pools/Beach: - The lazy river was awesome, probably one of our favorites bc our inner child is alive and well - it’s a very SLOW lazy river, but all the splash features kept things fun and there’s even 2 small slides you can use on opposite sides. There’s also the dips lazy river water bar, which was so cool. - There’s also a main Royaltan pool and infinity pool with another water bar - both were good, nothing too special, but no shade - We weren’t diamond club, but didn’t feel like we missed out on the diamond pool - didn’t look like anything special either, but they do have specific activities just for the diamond pool - There’s also a kiddy mini water playground (looked fun, with shade for the parents) and a shallow kiddie pool near the main pool with shade as well. - Finally, the beach palapas were cute and spread out if you want to find shade by the beach - we went in the off-season (Mid-May), but even then they filled up quick, so best of luck 😂 the beach was kept pretty clean too, despite the sorgasm/seaweed
Other Amenities: - There’s a very uneven putt-putt course - fun, but definitely a little goofy without any course decoration - The kids clubhouse looked fun too, but we didn’t spend time here - looked like you could draw, play pool, basketball, and they had some lil kid toys too - Score’s Bar also had a pool table and handles most of the nightlife entertainment like light dancing and karaoke - There’s a casinos, but we don’t gamble so nothing to review on this - We also had access to the private pool cabanas - they were alright, no view of the beach or anything so meh. However, the attending staff are fantastic and you can order diamond beach menu items (none being vegan though so 🤷🏼♀️)
Spa/Gym - The gym is great, lots of diverse equipment/weights with TRX. There’s about 4 treadmills and 1 of everything else though, so if you’re there during the busy season you may have to wait for sets. They have plenty of activities throughout the day too, like yoga, Pilates, kickboxing, aqua fit, etc. all very easy level though - Spa was fine, we did hydrotherapy and the 100min couples massage/scrub. Hydrotherapy was just an indoor warm pool and the massage/scrub wasn’t the greatest, but the average person with less spa experience would likely find it all to be great. Just definitely nothing special
Entertainment: Every night, they do a small activity like Just Dance for the kids around 7pm. Following, they’ll do some type of competition for guest volunteers (dance, MJ impersonations, etc). After that, a live band or performance - the circus show is a must, very fun for the kids and adults alike. Aside from that, it’s all okay - we enjoyed ourselves
Food: As vegans, we were on our own a bit. Buffet items are not clearly labeled (mashed potatoes, for example, might have have butter - we could never get a clear answer from staff). The restaurants also didn’t have great options, or just weren’t vegan in the first place. Seemed like staff didn’t really understand veganism - we spoke with the front desk to get accommodations and they printed an English/Spanish list of what we couldn’t have (no leche, no queso, no carne, etc), but that only got us so far as well. Just a lack of knowledge from the staff - we were disappointed bc this resort was advertised and reviewed as a good vegan option (and we had a great time with minimal options IE fries, rice, and beans), but I definitely wouldn’t recommend for vegans
Staff: Hit or miss, some staff were spectacular and outstanding - others seemed a bit unwelcoming and it made us feel guilty to ask for things. Service was excellent, they were all superb and genuinely wanted to help make our stay a great experience - it just wore on our conscious occasionally, which I wasn’t expecting. Just something to note - overall very friendly though! We also tipped our servers and staff, in case that helps frame our experience
Overall thoughts: We had a great time! Best memories we’re excursions, but Royaltan Bavaro was very fun and we’d recommend it to our omnivore friends/fams/couples looking for a holiday inn level resort - stable, safe choice, good experience overall but nothing incredible
submitted by Loudproudfrog to AllInclusiveResorts [link] [comments]
Room: It’s a family resort, so set your expectations for some wear and tear. Our room (building 18, 4th floor) had definitely seen better days - specifically, the furniture. It felt like everything needed to be sanitized, but I’m also a big germaphobe. We didn’t get sick or anything and housekeeping does a good job at tidying up, but just set expectations - it’s not going to be a beautiful, luxurious room, but we felt comfortable
Pools/Beach: - The lazy river was awesome, probably one of our favorites bc our inner child is alive and well - it’s a very SLOW lazy river, but all the splash features kept things fun and there’s even 2 small slides you can use on opposite sides. There’s also the dips lazy river water bar, which was so cool. - There’s also a main Royaltan pool and infinity pool with another water bar - both were good, nothing too special, but no shade - We weren’t diamond club, but didn’t feel like we missed out on the diamond pool - didn’t look like anything special either, but they do have specific activities just for the diamond pool - There’s also a kiddy mini water playground (looked fun, with shade for the parents) and a shallow kiddie pool near the main pool with shade as well. - Finally, the beach palapas were cute and spread out if you want to find shade by the beach - we went in the off-season (Mid-May), but even then they filled up quick, so best of luck 😂 the beach was kept pretty clean too, despite the sorgasm/seaweed
Other Amenities: - There’s a very uneven putt-putt course - fun, but definitely a little goofy without any course decoration - The kids clubhouse looked fun too, but we didn’t spend time here - looked like you could draw, play pool, basketball, and they had some lil kid toys too - Score’s Bar also had a pool table and handles most of the nightlife entertainment like light dancing and karaoke - There’s a casinos, but we don’t gamble so nothing to review on this - We also had access to the private pool cabanas - they were alright, no view of the beach or anything so meh. However, the attending staff are fantastic and you can order diamond beach menu items (none being vegan though so 🤷🏼♀️)
Spa/Gym - The gym is great, lots of diverse equipment/weights with TRX. There’s about 4 treadmills and 1 of everything else though, so if you’re there during the busy season you may have to wait for sets. They have plenty of activities throughout the day too, like yoga, Pilates, kickboxing, aqua fit, etc. all very easy level though - Spa was fine, we did hydrotherapy and the 100min couples massage/scrub. Hydrotherapy was just an indoor warm pool and the massage/scrub wasn’t the greatest, but the average person with less spa experience would likely find it all to be great. Just definitely nothing special
Entertainment: Every night, they do a small activity like Just Dance for the kids around 7pm. Following, they’ll do some type of competition for guest volunteers (dance, MJ impersonations, etc). After that, a live band or performance - the circus show is a must, very fun for the kids and adults alike. Aside from that, it’s all okay - we enjoyed ourselves
Food: As vegans, we were on our own a bit. Buffet items are not clearly labeled (mashed potatoes, for example, might have have butter - we could never get a clear answer from staff). The restaurants also didn’t have great options, or just weren’t vegan in the first place. Seemed like staff didn’t really understand veganism - we spoke with the front desk to get accommodations and they printed an English/Spanish list of what we couldn’t have (no leche, no queso, no carne, etc), but that only got us so far as well. Just a lack of knowledge from the staff - we were disappointed bc this resort was advertised and reviewed as a good vegan option (and we had a great time with minimal options IE fries, rice, and beans), but I definitely wouldn’t recommend for vegans
Staff: Hit or miss, some staff were spectacular and outstanding - others seemed a bit unwelcoming and it made us feel guilty to ask for things. Service was excellent, they were all superb and genuinely wanted to help make our stay a great experience - it just wore on our conscious occasionally, which I wasn’t expecting. Just something to note - overall very friendly though! We also tipped our servers and staff, in case that helps frame our experience
Overall thoughts: We had a great time! Best memories we’re excursions, but Royaltan Bavaro was very fun and we’d recommend it to our omnivore friends/fams/couples looking for a holiday inn level resort - stable, safe choice, good experience overall but nothing incredible
2024.05.16 03:51 ElegantPen294 Cushing's Disease - Therapeutic Monitoring Level Low
Hi All, Our dog has been on compounded Trilostane (70 mg) for about 3 months to get Cushing's Disease under control. She is a spayed lab mix about 78 pounds. We are not sure of her age as we adopted her from the pound. We think she is between 11-13 years old. She had her second checkup today (05/17) to determine how the meds are working. She has been vomiting more than usual the last month or so and gets diarrhea now and then. In fact, her appt. was on Monday but had to be rescheduled as she was sick and threw up her meds. After her test to check her levels after 2 hours, it came back at 1.4 µg/dL. The test result form we received states < 1.8 µg/dL - Consider adjusting therapy. Emergency medical attention may be needed if iatrogenic signs present. I raised my concerns about this value combined with her throwing up and diarrhea. The vet said she wants to keep her on this level of Trilostane since her liver values have improved so much. (The liver values went to the low side of the high value, so it is working to get her liver issues under control.) They ran an additional blood panel and everything looks great. They sent her home with antibiotics and anti-nausea meds. I'm still wondering if the dose of Trilostane is too high since her value is below the recommended value.
Trilostane FDA Label Recommendations The following are used to guide decisions based on the post-ACTH stimulation cortisol values. Cortisol <1.45 µg/dL: Stop treatment. Restart at a decreased dose.
My biggest concern is I don't want her getting Addison's or worse. She's the best dog and I want her golden years to be as good as I can make them for her. I appreciate any insight or experience into why the vet is ignoring the low value, the vomiting/diarrhea and continuing the current dose of Trilostane. Thank you!
submitted by ElegantPen294 to AskVet [link] [comments]
Trilostane FDA Label Recommendations The following are used to guide decisions based on the post-ACTH stimulation cortisol values. Cortisol <1.45 µg/dL: Stop treatment. Restart at a decreased dose.
My biggest concern is I don't want her getting Addison's or worse. She's the best dog and I want her golden years to be as good as I can make them for her. I appreciate any insight or experience into why the vet is ignoring the low value, the vomiting/diarrhea and continuing the current dose of Trilostane. Thank you!
2024.05.16 03:19 Lopsided-Ad5574 Mask Bloc 631 Fundraiser!
 | Hi everyone! We're doing a fundraiser to try and distribute the masks that we have :) We'd love help please! submitted by Lopsided-Ad5574 to ZeroCovidCommunity [link] [comments] Slide 1 ID: At the top in bold type reads: “Mask Block 631 Needs Your Help!” with yellow hearts on either side. The next line reads: “We are raising funds to distribute masks to the people of Long Island.” Below that on the right side in white text reads “Cashapp: $MaskBloc631” in a yellow outline of a rounded rectangle. Below that in bold text reads: “What you’re funding:” underlined in yellow. Below that is a list with yellow hearts for bullet points. The list reads: “Masks: $150 , Packaging Supplies: $75, Shipping/delivery materials: $200, Printing materials: $75”. Below that is a note in yellow text next to an asterisk that reads “estimated prices”. To the left is a white vector drawing of a meter with 3 notches, a yellow heart at the bottom, and the goal at the top of the meter which reads “Goal: $500” inside a yellow banner. On the lower right of the graphic is our Mask Bloc 631 logo, a white outlined circle with a black background, an outline vector drawing of a N95 duckbill mask in the center that has text on it reading “631”, 2 yellow hearts on either side of the mask, text at the top that reads “Mask Bloc”, and text at the bottom that reads “Long Island”. Slide 2 ID: Bold white text at the top that reads “Masks”. At the center are 3 white rounded rectangles with yellow outlines, each with an image of masks inside. The images are a black Powecom KN95, a white Powecom kid’s KN95, and a You & I kid’s KF94, each with a drawn yellow arrow pointing to white text that reads “Black KN95,” “Kid’s KN95,” and “Kid’s KF94,” respectively. There are 3 yellow hearts scattered around against the black background. Slide 3 ID: Bold white text at the top that reads “Packaging Supplies”. At the center are 3 white rounded rectangles with yellow outlines, each with an image inside. The images are a stack of 3 rolls of tape, cellophane bags, and a stapler, each with yellow drawn arrow that points to white text reading “Tape”, “Bags”, and “Stapling” respectively. There are 2 yellow hearts scattered against the black background. Slide 4 ID: Bold white text at the top that reads “Shipping/Delivery Materials”. At the center are 2 white rounded rectangles with yellow outlines, each with an image inside. The images are plastic mailers and shipping labels, and a cartoon image of a pink car, each with a drawn yellow arrow pointing to white text that reads “Mailers”, “Shipping Labels” and “Transportation Fees” respectively. There are 3 yellow hearts scattered against the black background. Slide ID: Bold white text at the top that reads “Printing Materials” at the center are 3 white rounded rectangles with yellow outlines, each with an image inside. The images are a white business card with a QR code, CMYK printer ink, and letter sized printer paper, each with a drawn yellow arrow pointing to a white text that reads “Business Cards” “Printer Ink” and “Paper and Printing Fees” respectively. There are 3 yellow hearts scattered against the black background. End ID |
2024.05.16 01:53 LordDoofusTheThird Can’t find info on this vintage AMC aka Aimcee console
 | I got this old console recently, but when I tried to replace the needle, it’s not clear how. The previous owner (maybe decades ago) left a GE EA1014 stylus in there (with blue plastic in last picture), but it doesn’t look right at all and definitely doesn’t slide in. submitted by LordDoofusTheThird to vintageaudio [link] [comments] The manufacturer’s label inside says it’s an AMC (aka Aimcee) 13AF573A radio phono combination, but no arrangement of any of those terms gets me any results on Reddit, search engines, or the sites the various vintage audio type subreddits recommend. It has the kind of cartridge where you can turn it so one side is a 33/45 needle and the other is a 78 needle, but both original needles broke off almost immediately once I started messing with it bc I’m a dope. The now empty cartridge is in the last 3 pictures, removed in the last one. Any help tracking down the right needle and/or stylus and/or cartridge would be greatly appreciated! (Also, apologies if I used the words stylus and cartridge incorrectly. I’ve used lots of record players but never did any maintenance on one.) |
2024.05.15 23:50 Super_Season_811 AITA for moving out when I turned 18?
I, (18F) moved in with my boyfriend (19M) a couple of months after I turned 18, and my parents were furious and hurt. There’s a lot to unpack with this one, so bear with me.
My parents (40F and 42M) are very religious and were somewhat strict while I was growing up. I have two younger brothers, one 17 and one 8 (this will be important later). For context, my father is a pastor at a local church and my parent’s religious beliefs are the reasoning behind most if not all of their actions. Growing up, I was never a stereotypical girl. I didn’t have many female friends and was usually not accepted in groups with guys as I was a girl and we were kids. I was extroverted as a child but due to being repeatedly rejected by kids my age, I became more introverted. I was a major nerd who loved superheroes and I wanted to play sports. Again, for context, the town I grew up in was very conservative and my parents are very conservative themselves. Girls liked girl things- even if they claimed that’s not how they felt, it’s how they acted. However, as a kid, I did not realize this. I played soccer and basketball growing up, regardless of how “weird” it made me because I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. I was probably around 9 or 10 at this point. It was around this time my parents started having issues with my hobbies. I remember my parents trying to convince me to be a cheerleader because I would “like it more,” but I insisted on playing basketball. (This basketball/cheer program was through our church by the way). Because I was still young, they let it slide, but to this day I remember them being annoyed with it. This is also around the time dieting was introduced to me as well as calorie counting. I have always struggled with my weight and so has my mother, so they were very adamant on making sure I was being “healthy.” I didn’t understand it, but as a child, the only thing I was worried about was making my parents happy. A lot of discipline I received revolved around emotion. What I was doing was right or wrong and if I did something wrong, I felt terrible and awful and would often come crying to my parents about the mistakes I made, fearful of their disappointment and anger if they found things out themselves. They also made everything a moral dilemma- everything was about God and religion and as a kid, it really messed with my head. I would blame myself for everything that went wrong, seeing it as God’s punishment for my behavior. When I was 9, I went so far as to blame my grandmother’s death on myself because I was hanging out with boys instead of girls. This made me to be more of an introvert and my now anxiety disorder is much much worse.
About a year later, my parents sat down with me and my brother and told us they wanted to adopt. At first, I was very excited. I loved the idea of having another brother or sister. And I wouldn’t trade my 8 year old brother (let’s call him Scott) for anything, but adopting kids is part of what triggered a huge change in my parent’s behavior. Also- I had started getting older. I loved playing video games, watching cartoons and writing. However, these weren’t the things they wanted me to like I guess, because I started to feel their judgment become more clear and apparent as I got older. Now, I assume this is because as a kid, I just did what I was told, or my oddities were assumed to fade over time, but that is not the case anymore. Anyways, entering middle school, our family fostered a little girl, let’s call her Ally. A young woman in our church had told us that Ally’s family was out of the picture, and as her aunt, she couldn’t take her in as she was already a single mom and planned on adopting her brother, but couldn’t handle all three alone. So my family stepped in- however, we had come to find that her father was still in the picture and was actively fighting for custody. And Ally was a bit of a handful. My parents have admitted that they expected to swoop in, save a child from a hard life and be the heroes, and when things were harder than that they were very upset. Ally was about three- she remembered her mom (who was in jail i believe), her sisters, her grandma and grandpa, as well as her dad. She didn’t want our family, she wanted hers. She didn’t listen to my parents and rejected their parenting. This is what started to make my parents snap. I understand it was hard for them, but now that I’m older, I get it. She was a little girl who wanted her family. But they took her rejection very seriously and were constantly unhappy with her and made sure she knew it. Children not listening immediately was newer to them as my brother and I both did pretty much whatever they asked, and they did not take well to being told “no” by a child. 8 months after living with Ally, she was taken in by her grandparents to live with them and her sisters. The next day, my parents took my brother and I on a small trip. I’m not sure if it was to cheer us up or to celebrate. I was quite sad though- I had started to really care about Ally and had convinced myself that “God would take care of things” and I would have a sister. But I was angry- God took someone away from me and I was doing everything right. Why was he punishing me? Nothing made sense. Yet, only a year later, my parents were considering taking in another child. I wanted nothing to do with it- God had already taken one sibling away from me. I couldn’t do it again. In the end, I agreed and soon became attached to this little boy, who was two when we met him. This was Scott. I immediately became attached- and I love this kid more than I can describe- he’s my little brother and I would do anything for him.
This is where things start to go further downhill. Scott has a lot of trauma and mental issues, one of those issues being oppositional defiant disorder. That basically means that listening to any form of authority is near impossible for him, and causes him to lash out and act younger than he is. This is probably due to a number of reasons, as he was severely neglected and abused as an infant and his birth mother was on several different substances while pregnant with him, to the point where he was born high on several illegal drugs. He was left in a car seat for most of his infant life, so the back of his head is slightly flattened due to this. My parents are very obedient/disciplined-based parents, so his behavior rocked their world. In my opinion, the way they handled things with Scott was borderline abusive. There were several occasions where he would say he hated them (as young children do when they're mad) and they would flip. Telling him that if he didn’t want them that was fine. They didn’t need him. He could run back to his other parents, but his mom was in jail and his dad didn’t want him, so good luck with that. If we were in the car when this happened, they would threaten to leave him on the side of the road and good luck finding his way home. Once my mother literally pulled to the side of the road, placed him outside the car and started driving so he would “think they would leave him if his actions didn’t change,” but she turned around to get him. Because they would “never actually abandon or hurt him,” their actions were justified and perfectly fine. They would tell him he was acting like a baby when he started to cry and scream. “Little baby Scott, do you need a diaper?” Is how they would tease him when he became older, which just made his tantrums worse. They would tell him how disappointed they were with him and that he should be ashamed of himself and the way he acted because they gave him everything. They would call him, to his face, “an ungrateful manipulative piece of shit.” Because according to my parents, he could control his actions 100% and was choosing to act out to make their lives difficult. While I understand that this was hard for them, in my opinion, this in no way excuses their behavior. One time, Scott was crying and was upset (who knows why, but the kid had a lot of trauma and mental issues so it didn’t bother me too much), and my mother picked him up and put him in his room. She told him that every time he tried to leave his room, she would take away one of his stuffed animals. (He had several that he loved very much). Because this sounded so terrible to him, he ran after her trying to say it wasn’t fair. So she went into his room and took a stuffed animal. This cycle continued while he cried and begged for her to stop, because he just didn’t get it that she was going to keep doing this over and over and his trying to convince her was making it worse. Eventually, there were none left, and she told him if he didn’t stop crying she was going to throw them all away. I don’t remember what happened after that, but I do know that several of them were thrown away, if not at that time than others. There are many other instances of things like this and worse occurring, but we’d be here for a while if I tried to recount them all. Moving forwards to closer when I was moving out-
Now, several years later, when I turned sixteen, I had come to terms with the fact that I was bisexual. This went against everything my family was for, and I knew exactly how they viewed queer people. So, I started learning about different branches of Christianity and felt like I knew a God who loved me as I was and was happy in my decision to switch denominations. (My parents were baptists, and I wanted to be non-denominational). A few months after this, I decided to tell my parents the truth. I had done my best to give them hints, but I wanted to be honest with them because I trusted that they would love me and be there for me no matter what. When I told them I wanted to talk to them about something, they pushed and pressed and I had been trying to wait to talk to them until the next day. I had been seeing my high school counselor, and she suggested giving them a heads-up before springing that conversation up on them. However, after telling them to wait, they went through my phone and saw that I had researched different denominations and read different sermons on queer-accepting faith. They were livid. To be clear- I had a friend over while this was happening. We were watching a movie and joking about how I lost my phone and couldn’t show them this picture I wanted to. Then, I was called upstairs. I had apparently betrayed my parents and, “how could I do this to them, when I had someone over?” My father demanded I send my friend home, but my mother convinced him for one more hour. I was told not to tell my friend anything they had said and to act like things were fine, but I couldn’t. I went back downstairs where we were hanging out and started sobbing. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. Everything was over- and the people I thought would love me no matter what made me so afraid and sad, I was completely broken. My friend did their best to comfort me and even felt weary to leave me alone with my family but I told them I’d be okay, and asked that they update our friends about the situation. That night was hellish. So many conversations, them trying to understand what I felt, but not taking me particularly seriously either. That night turned into weeks of books, slideshows, conversations, and prayers. It felt like at-home conversion therapy. Eventually, I was given a choice “put my convictional flag in the ground or loose their trust.” As the petrified 16 year old, I chose to lie. I put my “flag” in the ground and did my best to, “earn back their trust” and repair their reputation that I had tarnished. The next couple months were a blur. I felt so terrible about myself. I didn’t know what I thought or believed and I became extremely hyper anxious and depressed. I had lost all sense of privacy and I did trust my parents further than I could toss them. My 17 year old brother (he was 14 at the time, let’s call him James) was 100% on board with my parents. My life felt like a living nightmare. My parents had it so that all my texts sent or received from my phone would go directly to theirs, so I couldn’t even confide in my friends without getting into trouble (which had happened and was how I found out that they did that because I deleted the texts immediately after sending/receiving things).. Everything felt like it was about me and how I needed to earn back their trust and how I was a terrible betrayer who they were not proud of in the slightest. I had gone to get a pixie cut (with their approval) and after they told me I was disgusting and repulsive and would never find a man to love me. I was heartbroken and felt so alone and unloved in my house, while I had to watch my younger brother be treated the way he was by my parents.
Luckily, I had a lot of friends and our school counselor who had been there for me through everything. They showered me with support and love and made sure I had a safe space to exist and truthfully I think they’re the only reason I didn’t do anything drastic and am still here today. It was hard though because James went to the same school as me and would tell my parents if I was with anyone he knew was queer or queer accepting. This caused me to be very very paranoid about who I was with, when, where, etc. Constantly covering my tracks, having an excuse set up and ready to bolt if I saw anyone I knew. What made things equally hard is that the church my father works at is quite big in our area. So if someone from our church or someone who knew my family saw me with anyone they labeled as “queer” or “gay,” they would tell my family as well. For the most part, I didn’t feel safe anywhere. I was constantly alert and on guard, even when I was asleep as my parents had woken me up before to confront me about someone I was friends with at school.
Fortunately for me, despite everything being such a mess, I am quite academically smart. I got a job the second I turned sixteen as I had heard the horror stories of queer kids being kicked out and wanted to be prepared. I had been saving money, taking college classes (we have a state program that pays for the classes while you’re in high school), and putting on a show for my family for quite some time. After saving some money, I paid my parents for an older car that they had paid off ten or so years ago. After my brother turned 16, he claimed it was too hard to share a car with me, so while I was away visiting a friend they bought him a car and told us that they expected each of us to pay them one thousand dollars before we graduated high school and that when we did so, they would sign over our respective cars to us. To be clear, I contributed to insurance and paid for my own gas, as well as contributing to my phone bill and money for food. Meanwhile, my brother had no job, and was constantly asking my parents for money to go out with friends. He had also taken up golfing, which as most people know is extremely expensive, and my parents funded everything. James had actually admitted to asking for more money than he needed and save the leftovers for whatever he wanted. I was also expected to chauffeur him to golf events and to get togethers with his friends, and my parents would in return give me some gas money. Another thing to note is that the only reason I was contributing to our phone bill is because James wanted unlimited data and my father said it was unreasonable unless we both contributed financially. I refused as I was trying to save money (as I would have with the car situation), however things per normal went James’s way. However, because he did not have a job, he was not expected to pay anything and would not be charged for the months and years that he did not contribute to. I did my best not to let these things get to me and to keep a level head. I paid my parents for the car because I already had over two thousand dollars saved as a seventeen year old high school student due to my hard work.
I focused on my classes and joined theater to help fill the hours in between school and work. I was much more active my sophomore year but when James also decided to join theater I retreated a bit as my once safe space to freely exist was no longer safe. I joined the stage crew but honestly that was also very enjoyable and lethargic for me and I enjoyed it a lot. Anyways, I was mostly a straight A student besides the stray Bs and one or two Cs (psychology and AP government screwed me over) and was working 15 or so hours a week. This is on top of my commitments to the church which were most of my Sundays and my Wednesday evenings. The funny thing is though- James missed more church than I ever did yet because my absence was because of work and not golf, I was the one consistently reprimanded for my lack of attendance and socialization whilst I was there. Yet because James could never do anything wrong and was a very extroverted person his lack of attendance wasn’t as serious as my own. I had one close friend through our church, let’s call her Grace (now 18F) and she actually knew about everything and was very supportive of me. I also had some other friends who really only showed up to church so I didn’t have to go through the torture alone which I don’t know if I could ever repay them for. Besides the people I was comfortable with though, I was pretty much a loner there and this heavily displeased my parents as it made them look bad and messed with their reputation. I never realized how much appearances meant to them until all of the shit that happened took place. As I mentioned before, our church is very conservative and traditional, and many sermons and lessons revolved around gender roles and the sinfulness of the world in terms fo the LGBTQ community. I consistently felt targeted because of my looks and my personality and stopped feeling comfortable there a very long time ago.
Now that more context is in place, fast forward to the end of my junior year. I had at this point finished all my high school requirements for graduation and was given an incredible opportunity to go to our local college full time for my senior year. I was very excited and happy because not only did it give me more freedom but it also meant I would get more than a year of my college education paid for by the state.
It was also around this time when I met my now boyfriend, let’s call him Dean. We were coworkers and had begun to get to know each other. We had a lot in common and while were different people personality wise, we enjoyed each other’s company quite a bit. By some miracle, I convinced my parents to allow me to hang out with him outside of work by claiming he was just a friend and saying that he was a Christian (which is by no means true). They were extremely skeptical but allowed us to hang out. We had an incredible time- and by the end of our first date he asked me to be his girlfriend which I happily accepted. I was so happy, but when I got home, things spiraled out of control. I told my parents about our time, and they were extremely unhappy as they felt fooled (which they were to be fair) and told me I was not allowed to see him ever again. I was devastated and they said a lot of very uncalled for things and but I understand why they were angry. To be clear, they knew I had a romantic interest in Dean and that this hangout was to see if we would be compatible partners and get to know each other better. They did not call it a date though because they weren’t comfortable with it, even if it was a date and they kinda knew it. So while they were on some level “fooled,” I feel that their anger and harshness wasn’t called for as they knew the intentions of our hanging out. The next morning my father demanded to see my phone. This is when I started to panic. You see, they had stop tracking my texts and I had openly flirted with Dean over text. Nothing that explicit and no photos of any kind. But the flirting would be enough for them to tear my world apart and I knew it. They had gone through my personal conversations before and made me feel terrible because of it and I refused to let them do it again. So I deleted everything. The entire conversation chain, I removed it from my phone 100%. My parents absolutely lost their shit. They had been manipulating and gaslighting me for years, doing anything and everything to keep their control and with my actions I showed them they couldn’t control me forever and things went very downhill. I lost all my privacy and was once again told how I had betrayed them and I was terrible and couldn’t be trusted. Again- I partially understand their anger here because I had directly disobeyed a command. But at the same time, I feel as a young woman I should be allowed some sense of privacy and the ability to talk to people without being constantly monitored. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong and would happily do it again in a heartbeat if it meant I’d be where I am today. Regardless of this, my life became a living hell once again, and my parents compared this to when I came out, “which was maybe the worst night of their lives.” They stripped me of all my privileges even if I didn’t have many to begin with. They made me feel absolutely miserable and awful about myself and I was monitored like never before. I would be working and receive texts upon texts of how I was so terrible and how could I do this to them because they had done everything for me and I’m a terrible daughter who should be ashamed of myself for the deceit and malicious nature of my actions. Again- this was because they could not read the messages between me and my now boyfriend. I understand them being mad but they took it to a completely inappropriate level. I shared everything happening with my friends and counselor and they supported me and assured me I did nothing wrong and they would be there for me which helped but as my home was now a living hellscape it was hard to hear it. I found a way to tell Dean about things and at first he felt guilty but I assured him that their actions were not his fault but theirs. He then asked me if I wanted to pause our relationship but I told him honestly that they had taken so many things I cared about over the years and I refused to let them take this. I did tell him however I understood if he didn’t want to put up with all the complicatedness of my family but he told me he cared for me and would be there so long as I was okay with it. He also told me if things ever got really bad at home, regardless of the fact we had just started dating, he had spoken to his family and they offered me a place to stay if I needed/wanted it. This really touched me, but I reassured him that it was not his job to offer that, but I appreciated the offer.
This begins our relationship and we were very happy. We had found a way to communicate over email, and we were able to hide our relationship with my family. Luckily for me, over the years I had made a habit of hanging out at the park by myself so it was not strange for me to head to the park for a couple of hours. There, I would leave my car and phone (my phone had a tracker on it) and Dean and I would hangout multiple times a week and it was heaven. At this point, we’ve only been dating for a year but I can admit without any doubt that I am in love with this man and he is in love with me. During the school year, it became easier for us to hang out in between classes as we both went to the same college (I am older for my year in school and he is younger, so he was a sophomore in college while I was a senior in high school. However, we are barely a year apart in age for anyone who is concerned). However, in order for us to communicate and hang out, I had to be extremely diligent and was consistently covering my tracks while “once again, earning my parents trust and repairing our relationship.” Because of course their actions were completely justified and I was the one in the wrong, per normal. Anyways, every day, I was editing search histories, erasing messages, and looking over my shoulder. Our church had a program on campus where Dean and I went to school, so being together in public was risky as my father’s friends and coworkers were always on campus and I knew I would be screwed if we were caught together. We had a couple of close calls over the months but it was all worth it because I hadn’t been that happy in years.
Now, to the day I left and why. You see, my parents' behavior towards Scott was becoming more aggressive and worse over time. They also had, in my opinion, a drinking problem. Considering they didn’t deny it when I called them out, they may agree. They would behave more hostile after several drinks and it was happening so consistently I was constantly walking on eggshells. Between the way they treated Scott, the way they treated me and the constant stress I was under trying to balance my life in fear of the repercussions, things became too much. When things weren’t going to shit, I was consistently expected to either babysit my brother and do chores while being a full time college student and working a part time job WHILE attending church multiple times a week and keeping up with my responsibilities as a senior. This is on top of the stress my parents' behavior caused, meanwhile James was expected to do almost nothing in comparison. Don’t get me wrong- he didn’t do anything, but he had almost no responsibilities outside of school and his extracurriculars which were exclusively funded by my parents. Yes he helped with dishes during the week and would keep his space tidy. But as my schedule became much more flexible due to my school schedule, my expectations around the house became much higher than his. Even though I paid 200 a month on gas, 50 a month for insurance and 50 a month for the phone bill, and he paid nothing for his car, insurance, phone, gas, nothing. So you would think he would be expected to help in the house more but no. Also, James’s behavior towards Scott mimicked my parents and so all babysitting responsibilities fell on me as they couldn’t be trusted alone together. I was rarely if ever paid for my cleaning or babysitting services as it was my responsibility as their eldest child. They would also consistently judge me for my weight, cloths, hair, hobbies, etc. Why did I think it was a good idea to get fast food? I clearly didn’t need it. They would “outfit check me” to make sure the outfits I wore were feminine enough because the way I look effected their reputation and I couldn’t be trusted. I was not allowed to cut my hair after their tantrum over it. As for my hobbies, I stopped playing sports in middle school as I am very short (currently 5 foot even) and was unable to keep up with my peers. However my interest in video games and cartoons wasn’t feminine enough and they proceeded to compare me to my best friend Grace because she was skinnier and liked more feminine things than I did which hurt a lot. Another thing for context, I have PCOS. It’s an endocrine disorder that heavily effects your metabolism and hormones, which in turn severely effected my weight, however my parents never acknowledged it and again made everything my fault. So from what I wore, what I ate, who I hung out with and what I enjoyed doing was constantly criticized, scrutinized and eventually controlled by my family for years. On top of everything else, I was done. I was 18, I had resaved the thousand I paid my family and knew I was at a place where I didn’t need them and was tired of being treated like shit. So I left.
The night I moved out was a total shit show. I had rallied Dean and my other friend, let’s call them Rita (18NB), and they helped me form a plan. When I returned home, Dean and Rita would be on their way. I would pack everything that belonged to me or I felt they would let me take, and prep the bags outside. After Rita arrived I went to try and explain to my parents that I would be leaving and explain calmly why. In a perfect world, we would have had a long deep talk, and things would have ended alright. That is far, far from what happened. They immediately starting screaming, and took my phone and car keys as both belonged to them, which I calmly handed over. Rita was there for emotional support, and put themselves between me and my parents as they got more angry and seemed to be turning aggressive. After that, my father called the police and claimed that there was an intruder in their home trying to take their child. Yeah. Complete bullshit- which to this day I’m surprised they were never charged with falsifying a 911 call. They screamed at Rita to get out of their home and was screaming that I was throwing away everything and I needed to reconsider. I ignored them and attempted to calmly walk out, and my parents attempted to barricade the doors while harassing Rita to leave. Because Rita is incredible and one of my closest friends now, they refused to leave without me which was very calming. While my parents were distracted yelling at them, I slipped out through the garage. My mother saw this and then grabbed me, attempting to drag me inside by my arm. Rita saw this and assisted me in getting her off me, and after doing so we continued to walk towards Dean’s car where he was waiting for us. He figured it would be best if my family didn’t see him for the time being as they would definitely lose their minds at seeing his face. My parents continued screaming and then the cops arrived. They were quite confused at first because they had been sent to deal with a potential kidnapping, only to see two grown adults throwing a tantrum because their adult child didn’t want to live with them anymore. That night was honestly so insane I could write three more pages about everything they said and did. The most notable events were first when my mother tried to explain to the police that because I was her child, she was allowed to put her hands on me, which they humorously informed her was not the case. The next was when James came home from theater rehearsal, to which my parents told them that I was abandoning our family. He was an emotional wreck through all of it, and to this day has told me that until I “fix” things with our parents he is not okay with having any form of relationship with me. Throughout all of this Scott was in his room, and I was allowed to give him one last hug before leaving. The final and most notable thing, was as the cops allowed my boyfriend, Rita and I to leave, my father threatened violence towards my boyfriend and accused him of "taking advantage of his underage daughter," which is just ridiculous as we are practically the same age, and anything we had done together was consensual and reserved for after I turned 18. Another thing my parents did was go through each bag I had packed and took everything they felt belonged to them, including the laptop provided to me by my high school, which they hilariously were made to give back to me several days later as it was not theirs and they had no right to take it. They tried claiming they were giving it to me out of the kindness of their hearts, but that bullshit meant nothing as after I informed the school of their behavior, the school assured me they would be made to give it back. Another thing they threatened to do as I left was pull me out of high school, which I was assured by the police they were not capable of doing as I was 18. The police were for the most part annoyed with my parents, tired of their bs and told me I seemed to be a capable young woman and wished me the best of luck. My parents had tried to ask the police to say I was mentally unstable for the time being so I wouldn’t be allowed to leave, as their “she’s still in high school” excuse didn’t do anything. You see, as my father is an influential church figure and had friends in the police force, he thought they would be on his side but was sorely mistaken as the chief told him they wouldn’t be doing him any favors. And with that, I was free.
My boyfriend's family has been nothing but unconditionally kind and supportive and have accepted me as part of their family which has been a huge blessing in all of this. I am in contact with my father’s sister and his father, my aunt and grandpa, and as I have expressed my unhappiness at home, they are supportive of me as well. However, as my aunt lives further away and my grandpa is not in the best place to have me live with him, I have been with my boyfriend's family since I left home in October. I have a lot more I could say but I already feel like there are way too many parts here and so for now I’ll leave it at this. So yeah, AITA for moving out after I was treated like shit for years while witnessing the mistreatment of my sibling?
submitted by Super_Season_811 to narcissisticparents [link] [comments]
My parents (40F and 42M) are very religious and were somewhat strict while I was growing up. I have two younger brothers, one 17 and one 8 (this will be important later). For context, my father is a pastor at a local church and my parent’s religious beliefs are the reasoning behind most if not all of their actions. Growing up, I was never a stereotypical girl. I didn’t have many female friends and was usually not accepted in groups with guys as I was a girl and we were kids. I was extroverted as a child but due to being repeatedly rejected by kids my age, I became more introverted. I was a major nerd who loved superheroes and I wanted to play sports. Again, for context, the town I grew up in was very conservative and my parents are very conservative themselves. Girls liked girl things- even if they claimed that’s not how they felt, it’s how they acted. However, as a kid, I did not realize this. I played soccer and basketball growing up, regardless of how “weird” it made me because I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. I was probably around 9 or 10 at this point. It was around this time my parents started having issues with my hobbies. I remember my parents trying to convince me to be a cheerleader because I would “like it more,” but I insisted on playing basketball. (This basketball/cheer program was through our church by the way). Because I was still young, they let it slide, but to this day I remember them being annoyed with it. This is also around the time dieting was introduced to me as well as calorie counting. I have always struggled with my weight and so has my mother, so they were very adamant on making sure I was being “healthy.” I didn’t understand it, but as a child, the only thing I was worried about was making my parents happy. A lot of discipline I received revolved around emotion. What I was doing was right or wrong and if I did something wrong, I felt terrible and awful and would often come crying to my parents about the mistakes I made, fearful of their disappointment and anger if they found things out themselves. They also made everything a moral dilemma- everything was about God and religion and as a kid, it really messed with my head. I would blame myself for everything that went wrong, seeing it as God’s punishment for my behavior. When I was 9, I went so far as to blame my grandmother’s death on myself because I was hanging out with boys instead of girls. This made me to be more of an introvert and my now anxiety disorder is much much worse.
About a year later, my parents sat down with me and my brother and told us they wanted to adopt. At first, I was very excited. I loved the idea of having another brother or sister. And I wouldn’t trade my 8 year old brother (let’s call him Scott) for anything, but adopting kids is part of what triggered a huge change in my parent’s behavior. Also- I had started getting older. I loved playing video games, watching cartoons and writing. However, these weren’t the things they wanted me to like I guess, because I started to feel their judgment become more clear and apparent as I got older. Now, I assume this is because as a kid, I just did what I was told, or my oddities were assumed to fade over time, but that is not the case anymore. Anyways, entering middle school, our family fostered a little girl, let’s call her Ally. A young woman in our church had told us that Ally’s family was out of the picture, and as her aunt, she couldn’t take her in as she was already a single mom and planned on adopting her brother, but couldn’t handle all three alone. So my family stepped in- however, we had come to find that her father was still in the picture and was actively fighting for custody. And Ally was a bit of a handful. My parents have admitted that they expected to swoop in, save a child from a hard life and be the heroes, and when things were harder than that they were very upset. Ally was about three- she remembered her mom (who was in jail i believe), her sisters, her grandma and grandpa, as well as her dad. She didn’t want our family, she wanted hers. She didn’t listen to my parents and rejected their parenting. This is what started to make my parents snap. I understand it was hard for them, but now that I’m older, I get it. She was a little girl who wanted her family. But they took her rejection very seriously and were constantly unhappy with her and made sure she knew it. Children not listening immediately was newer to them as my brother and I both did pretty much whatever they asked, and they did not take well to being told “no” by a child. 8 months after living with Ally, she was taken in by her grandparents to live with them and her sisters. The next day, my parents took my brother and I on a small trip. I’m not sure if it was to cheer us up or to celebrate. I was quite sad though- I had started to really care about Ally and had convinced myself that “God would take care of things” and I would have a sister. But I was angry- God took someone away from me and I was doing everything right. Why was he punishing me? Nothing made sense. Yet, only a year later, my parents were considering taking in another child. I wanted nothing to do with it- God had already taken one sibling away from me. I couldn’t do it again. In the end, I agreed and soon became attached to this little boy, who was two when we met him. This was Scott. I immediately became attached- and I love this kid more than I can describe- he’s my little brother and I would do anything for him.
This is where things start to go further downhill. Scott has a lot of trauma and mental issues, one of those issues being oppositional defiant disorder. That basically means that listening to any form of authority is near impossible for him, and causes him to lash out and act younger than he is. This is probably due to a number of reasons, as he was severely neglected and abused as an infant and his birth mother was on several different substances while pregnant with him, to the point where he was born high on several illegal drugs. He was left in a car seat for most of his infant life, so the back of his head is slightly flattened due to this. My parents are very obedient/disciplined-based parents, so his behavior rocked their world. In my opinion, the way they handled things with Scott was borderline abusive. There were several occasions where he would say he hated them (as young children do when they're mad) and they would flip. Telling him that if he didn’t want them that was fine. They didn’t need him. He could run back to his other parents, but his mom was in jail and his dad didn’t want him, so good luck with that. If we were in the car when this happened, they would threaten to leave him on the side of the road and good luck finding his way home. Once my mother literally pulled to the side of the road, placed him outside the car and started driving so he would “think they would leave him if his actions didn’t change,” but she turned around to get him. Because they would “never actually abandon or hurt him,” their actions were justified and perfectly fine. They would tell him he was acting like a baby when he started to cry and scream. “Little baby Scott, do you need a diaper?” Is how they would tease him when he became older, which just made his tantrums worse. They would tell him how disappointed they were with him and that he should be ashamed of himself and the way he acted because they gave him everything. They would call him, to his face, “an ungrateful manipulative piece of shit.” Because according to my parents, he could control his actions 100% and was choosing to act out to make their lives difficult. While I understand that this was hard for them, in my opinion, this in no way excuses their behavior. One time, Scott was crying and was upset (who knows why, but the kid had a lot of trauma and mental issues so it didn’t bother me too much), and my mother picked him up and put him in his room. She told him that every time he tried to leave his room, she would take away one of his stuffed animals. (He had several that he loved very much). Because this sounded so terrible to him, he ran after her trying to say it wasn’t fair. So she went into his room and took a stuffed animal. This cycle continued while he cried and begged for her to stop, because he just didn’t get it that she was going to keep doing this over and over and his trying to convince her was making it worse. Eventually, there were none left, and she told him if he didn’t stop crying she was going to throw them all away. I don’t remember what happened after that, but I do know that several of them were thrown away, if not at that time than others. There are many other instances of things like this and worse occurring, but we’d be here for a while if I tried to recount them all. Moving forwards to closer when I was moving out-
Now, several years later, when I turned sixteen, I had come to terms with the fact that I was bisexual. This went against everything my family was for, and I knew exactly how they viewed queer people. So, I started learning about different branches of Christianity and felt like I knew a God who loved me as I was and was happy in my decision to switch denominations. (My parents were baptists, and I wanted to be non-denominational). A few months after this, I decided to tell my parents the truth. I had done my best to give them hints, but I wanted to be honest with them because I trusted that they would love me and be there for me no matter what. When I told them I wanted to talk to them about something, they pushed and pressed and I had been trying to wait to talk to them until the next day. I had been seeing my high school counselor, and she suggested giving them a heads-up before springing that conversation up on them. However, after telling them to wait, they went through my phone and saw that I had researched different denominations and read different sermons on queer-accepting faith. They were livid. To be clear- I had a friend over while this was happening. We were watching a movie and joking about how I lost my phone and couldn’t show them this picture I wanted to. Then, I was called upstairs. I had apparently betrayed my parents and, “how could I do this to them, when I had someone over?” My father demanded I send my friend home, but my mother convinced him for one more hour. I was told not to tell my friend anything they had said and to act like things were fine, but I couldn’t. I went back downstairs where we were hanging out and started sobbing. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. Everything was over- and the people I thought would love me no matter what made me so afraid and sad, I was completely broken. My friend did their best to comfort me and even felt weary to leave me alone with my family but I told them I’d be okay, and asked that they update our friends about the situation. That night was hellish. So many conversations, them trying to understand what I felt, but not taking me particularly seriously either. That night turned into weeks of books, slideshows, conversations, and prayers. It felt like at-home conversion therapy. Eventually, I was given a choice “put my convictional flag in the ground or loose their trust.” As the petrified 16 year old, I chose to lie. I put my “flag” in the ground and did my best to, “earn back their trust” and repair their reputation that I had tarnished. The next couple months were a blur. I felt so terrible about myself. I didn’t know what I thought or believed and I became extremely hyper anxious and depressed. I had lost all sense of privacy and I did trust my parents further than I could toss them. My 17 year old brother (he was 14 at the time, let’s call him James) was 100% on board with my parents. My life felt like a living nightmare. My parents had it so that all my texts sent or received from my phone would go directly to theirs, so I couldn’t even confide in my friends without getting into trouble (which had happened and was how I found out that they did that because I deleted the texts immediately after sending/receiving things).. Everything felt like it was about me and how I needed to earn back their trust and how I was a terrible betrayer who they were not proud of in the slightest. I had gone to get a pixie cut (with their approval) and after they told me I was disgusting and repulsive and would never find a man to love me. I was heartbroken and felt so alone and unloved in my house, while I had to watch my younger brother be treated the way he was by my parents.
Luckily, I had a lot of friends and our school counselor who had been there for me through everything. They showered me with support and love and made sure I had a safe space to exist and truthfully I think they’re the only reason I didn’t do anything drastic and am still here today. It was hard though because James went to the same school as me and would tell my parents if I was with anyone he knew was queer or queer accepting. This caused me to be very very paranoid about who I was with, when, where, etc. Constantly covering my tracks, having an excuse set up and ready to bolt if I saw anyone I knew. What made things equally hard is that the church my father works at is quite big in our area. So if someone from our church or someone who knew my family saw me with anyone they labeled as “queer” or “gay,” they would tell my family as well. For the most part, I didn’t feel safe anywhere. I was constantly alert and on guard, even when I was asleep as my parents had woken me up before to confront me about someone I was friends with at school.
Fortunately for me, despite everything being such a mess, I am quite academically smart. I got a job the second I turned sixteen as I had heard the horror stories of queer kids being kicked out and wanted to be prepared. I had been saving money, taking college classes (we have a state program that pays for the classes while you’re in high school), and putting on a show for my family for quite some time. After saving some money, I paid my parents for an older car that they had paid off ten or so years ago. After my brother turned 16, he claimed it was too hard to share a car with me, so while I was away visiting a friend they bought him a car and told us that they expected each of us to pay them one thousand dollars before we graduated high school and that when we did so, they would sign over our respective cars to us. To be clear, I contributed to insurance and paid for my own gas, as well as contributing to my phone bill and money for food. Meanwhile, my brother had no job, and was constantly asking my parents for money to go out with friends. He had also taken up golfing, which as most people know is extremely expensive, and my parents funded everything. James had actually admitted to asking for more money than he needed and save the leftovers for whatever he wanted. I was also expected to chauffeur him to golf events and to get togethers with his friends, and my parents would in return give me some gas money. Another thing to note is that the only reason I was contributing to our phone bill is because James wanted unlimited data and my father said it was unreasonable unless we both contributed financially. I refused as I was trying to save money (as I would have with the car situation), however things per normal went James’s way. However, because he did not have a job, he was not expected to pay anything and would not be charged for the months and years that he did not contribute to. I did my best not to let these things get to me and to keep a level head. I paid my parents for the car because I already had over two thousand dollars saved as a seventeen year old high school student due to my hard work.
I focused on my classes and joined theater to help fill the hours in between school and work. I was much more active my sophomore year but when James also decided to join theater I retreated a bit as my once safe space to freely exist was no longer safe. I joined the stage crew but honestly that was also very enjoyable and lethargic for me and I enjoyed it a lot. Anyways, I was mostly a straight A student besides the stray Bs and one or two Cs (psychology and AP government screwed me over) and was working 15 or so hours a week. This is on top of my commitments to the church which were most of my Sundays and my Wednesday evenings. The funny thing is though- James missed more church than I ever did yet because my absence was because of work and not golf, I was the one consistently reprimanded for my lack of attendance and socialization whilst I was there. Yet because James could never do anything wrong and was a very extroverted person his lack of attendance wasn’t as serious as my own. I had one close friend through our church, let’s call her Grace (now 18F) and she actually knew about everything and was very supportive of me. I also had some other friends who really only showed up to church so I didn’t have to go through the torture alone which I don’t know if I could ever repay them for. Besides the people I was comfortable with though, I was pretty much a loner there and this heavily displeased my parents as it made them look bad and messed with their reputation. I never realized how much appearances meant to them until all of the shit that happened took place. As I mentioned before, our church is very conservative and traditional, and many sermons and lessons revolved around gender roles and the sinfulness of the world in terms fo the LGBTQ community. I consistently felt targeted because of my looks and my personality and stopped feeling comfortable there a very long time ago.
Now that more context is in place, fast forward to the end of my junior year. I had at this point finished all my high school requirements for graduation and was given an incredible opportunity to go to our local college full time for my senior year. I was very excited and happy because not only did it give me more freedom but it also meant I would get more than a year of my college education paid for by the state.
It was also around this time when I met my now boyfriend, let’s call him Dean. We were coworkers and had begun to get to know each other. We had a lot in common and while were different people personality wise, we enjoyed each other’s company quite a bit. By some miracle, I convinced my parents to allow me to hang out with him outside of work by claiming he was just a friend and saying that he was a Christian (which is by no means true). They were extremely skeptical but allowed us to hang out. We had an incredible time- and by the end of our first date he asked me to be his girlfriend which I happily accepted. I was so happy, but when I got home, things spiraled out of control. I told my parents about our time, and they were extremely unhappy as they felt fooled (which they were to be fair) and told me I was not allowed to see him ever again. I was devastated and they said a lot of very uncalled for things and but I understand why they were angry. To be clear, they knew I had a romantic interest in Dean and that this hangout was to see if we would be compatible partners and get to know each other better. They did not call it a date though because they weren’t comfortable with it, even if it was a date and they kinda knew it. So while they were on some level “fooled,” I feel that their anger and harshness wasn’t called for as they knew the intentions of our hanging out. The next morning my father demanded to see my phone. This is when I started to panic. You see, they had stop tracking my texts and I had openly flirted with Dean over text. Nothing that explicit and no photos of any kind. But the flirting would be enough for them to tear my world apart and I knew it. They had gone through my personal conversations before and made me feel terrible because of it and I refused to let them do it again. So I deleted everything. The entire conversation chain, I removed it from my phone 100%. My parents absolutely lost their shit. They had been manipulating and gaslighting me for years, doing anything and everything to keep their control and with my actions I showed them they couldn’t control me forever and things went very downhill. I lost all my privacy and was once again told how I had betrayed them and I was terrible and couldn’t be trusted. Again- I partially understand their anger here because I had directly disobeyed a command. But at the same time, I feel as a young woman I should be allowed some sense of privacy and the ability to talk to people without being constantly monitored. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong and would happily do it again in a heartbeat if it meant I’d be where I am today. Regardless of this, my life became a living hell once again, and my parents compared this to when I came out, “which was maybe the worst night of their lives.” They stripped me of all my privileges even if I didn’t have many to begin with. They made me feel absolutely miserable and awful about myself and I was monitored like never before. I would be working and receive texts upon texts of how I was so terrible and how could I do this to them because they had done everything for me and I’m a terrible daughter who should be ashamed of myself for the deceit and malicious nature of my actions. Again- this was because they could not read the messages between me and my now boyfriend. I understand them being mad but they took it to a completely inappropriate level. I shared everything happening with my friends and counselor and they supported me and assured me I did nothing wrong and they would be there for me which helped but as my home was now a living hellscape it was hard to hear it. I found a way to tell Dean about things and at first he felt guilty but I assured him that their actions were not his fault but theirs. He then asked me if I wanted to pause our relationship but I told him honestly that they had taken so many things I cared about over the years and I refused to let them take this. I did tell him however I understood if he didn’t want to put up with all the complicatedness of my family but he told me he cared for me and would be there so long as I was okay with it. He also told me if things ever got really bad at home, regardless of the fact we had just started dating, he had spoken to his family and they offered me a place to stay if I needed/wanted it. This really touched me, but I reassured him that it was not his job to offer that, but I appreciated the offer.
This begins our relationship and we were very happy. We had found a way to communicate over email, and we were able to hide our relationship with my family. Luckily for me, over the years I had made a habit of hanging out at the park by myself so it was not strange for me to head to the park for a couple of hours. There, I would leave my car and phone (my phone had a tracker on it) and Dean and I would hangout multiple times a week and it was heaven. At this point, we’ve only been dating for a year but I can admit without any doubt that I am in love with this man and he is in love with me. During the school year, it became easier for us to hang out in between classes as we both went to the same college (I am older for my year in school and he is younger, so he was a sophomore in college while I was a senior in high school. However, we are barely a year apart in age for anyone who is concerned). However, in order for us to communicate and hang out, I had to be extremely diligent and was consistently covering my tracks while “once again, earning my parents trust and repairing our relationship.” Because of course their actions were completely justified and I was the one in the wrong, per normal. Anyways, every day, I was editing search histories, erasing messages, and looking over my shoulder. Our church had a program on campus where Dean and I went to school, so being together in public was risky as my father’s friends and coworkers were always on campus and I knew I would be screwed if we were caught together. We had a couple of close calls over the months but it was all worth it because I hadn’t been that happy in years.
Now, to the day I left and why. You see, my parents' behavior towards Scott was becoming more aggressive and worse over time. They also had, in my opinion, a drinking problem. Considering they didn’t deny it when I called them out, they may agree. They would behave more hostile after several drinks and it was happening so consistently I was constantly walking on eggshells. Between the way they treated Scott, the way they treated me and the constant stress I was under trying to balance my life in fear of the repercussions, things became too much. When things weren’t going to shit, I was consistently expected to either babysit my brother and do chores while being a full time college student and working a part time job WHILE attending church multiple times a week and keeping up with my responsibilities as a senior. This is on top of the stress my parents' behavior caused, meanwhile James was expected to do almost nothing in comparison. Don’t get me wrong- he didn’t do anything, but he had almost no responsibilities outside of school and his extracurriculars which were exclusively funded by my parents. Yes he helped with dishes during the week and would keep his space tidy. But as my schedule became much more flexible due to my school schedule, my expectations around the house became much higher than his. Even though I paid 200 a month on gas, 50 a month for insurance and 50 a month for the phone bill, and he paid nothing for his car, insurance, phone, gas, nothing. So you would think he would be expected to help in the house more but no. Also, James’s behavior towards Scott mimicked my parents and so all babysitting responsibilities fell on me as they couldn’t be trusted alone together. I was rarely if ever paid for my cleaning or babysitting services as it was my responsibility as their eldest child. They would also consistently judge me for my weight, cloths, hair, hobbies, etc. Why did I think it was a good idea to get fast food? I clearly didn’t need it. They would “outfit check me” to make sure the outfits I wore were feminine enough because the way I look effected their reputation and I couldn’t be trusted. I was not allowed to cut my hair after their tantrum over it. As for my hobbies, I stopped playing sports in middle school as I am very short (currently 5 foot even) and was unable to keep up with my peers. However my interest in video games and cartoons wasn’t feminine enough and they proceeded to compare me to my best friend Grace because she was skinnier and liked more feminine things than I did which hurt a lot. Another thing for context, I have PCOS. It’s an endocrine disorder that heavily effects your metabolism and hormones, which in turn severely effected my weight, however my parents never acknowledged it and again made everything my fault. So from what I wore, what I ate, who I hung out with and what I enjoyed doing was constantly criticized, scrutinized and eventually controlled by my family for years. On top of everything else, I was done. I was 18, I had resaved the thousand I paid my family and knew I was at a place where I didn’t need them and was tired of being treated like shit. So I left.
The night I moved out was a total shit show. I had rallied Dean and my other friend, let’s call them Rita (18NB), and they helped me form a plan. When I returned home, Dean and Rita would be on their way. I would pack everything that belonged to me or I felt they would let me take, and prep the bags outside. After Rita arrived I went to try and explain to my parents that I would be leaving and explain calmly why. In a perfect world, we would have had a long deep talk, and things would have ended alright. That is far, far from what happened. They immediately starting screaming, and took my phone and car keys as both belonged to them, which I calmly handed over. Rita was there for emotional support, and put themselves between me and my parents as they got more angry and seemed to be turning aggressive. After that, my father called the police and claimed that there was an intruder in their home trying to take their child. Yeah. Complete bullshit- which to this day I’m surprised they were never charged with falsifying a 911 call. They screamed at Rita to get out of their home and was screaming that I was throwing away everything and I needed to reconsider. I ignored them and attempted to calmly walk out, and my parents attempted to barricade the doors while harassing Rita to leave. Because Rita is incredible and one of my closest friends now, they refused to leave without me which was very calming. While my parents were distracted yelling at them, I slipped out through the garage. My mother saw this and then grabbed me, attempting to drag me inside by my arm. Rita saw this and assisted me in getting her off me, and after doing so we continued to walk towards Dean’s car where he was waiting for us. He figured it would be best if my family didn’t see him for the time being as they would definitely lose their minds at seeing his face. My parents continued screaming and then the cops arrived. They were quite confused at first because they had been sent to deal with a potential kidnapping, only to see two grown adults throwing a tantrum because their adult child didn’t want to live with them anymore. That night was honestly so insane I could write three more pages about everything they said and did. The most notable events were first when my mother tried to explain to the police that because I was her child, she was allowed to put her hands on me, which they humorously informed her was not the case. The next was when James came home from theater rehearsal, to which my parents told them that I was abandoning our family. He was an emotional wreck through all of it, and to this day has told me that until I “fix” things with our parents he is not okay with having any form of relationship with me. Throughout all of this Scott was in his room, and I was allowed to give him one last hug before leaving. The final and most notable thing, was as the cops allowed my boyfriend, Rita and I to leave, my father threatened violence towards my boyfriend and accused him of "taking advantage of his underage daughter," which is just ridiculous as we are practically the same age, and anything we had done together was consensual and reserved for after I turned 18. Another thing my parents did was go through each bag I had packed and took everything they felt belonged to them, including the laptop provided to me by my high school, which they hilariously were made to give back to me several days later as it was not theirs and they had no right to take it. They tried claiming they were giving it to me out of the kindness of their hearts, but that bullshit meant nothing as after I informed the school of their behavior, the school assured me they would be made to give it back. Another thing they threatened to do as I left was pull me out of high school, which I was assured by the police they were not capable of doing as I was 18. The police were for the most part annoyed with my parents, tired of their bs and told me I seemed to be a capable young woman and wished me the best of luck. My parents had tried to ask the police to say I was mentally unstable for the time being so I wouldn’t be allowed to leave, as their “she’s still in high school” excuse didn’t do anything. You see, as my father is an influential church figure and had friends in the police force, he thought they would be on his side but was sorely mistaken as the chief told him they wouldn’t be doing him any favors. And with that, I was free.
My boyfriend's family has been nothing but unconditionally kind and supportive and have accepted me as part of their family which has been a huge blessing in all of this. I am in contact with my father’s sister and his father, my aunt and grandpa, and as I have expressed my unhappiness at home, they are supportive of me as well. However, as my aunt lives further away and my grandpa is not in the best place to have me live with him, I have been with my boyfriend's family since I left home in October. I have a lot more I could say but I already feel like there are way too many parts here and so for now I’ll leave it at this. So yeah, AITA for moving out after I was treated like shit for years while witnessing the mistreatment of my sibling?
2024.05.15 23:48 Super_Season_811 AITA for moving out when I turned 18?
I, (18F) moved in with my boyfriend (19M) a couple of months after I turned 18, and my parents were furious and hurt. There’s a lot to unpack with this one, so bear with me.
My parents (40F and 42M) are very religious and were somewhat strict while I was growing up. I have two younger brothers, one 17 and one 8 (this will be important later). For context, my father is a pastor at a local church and my parent’s religious beliefs are the reasoning behind most if not all of their actions. Growing up, I was never a stereotypical girl. I didn’t have many female friends and was usually not accepted in groups with guys as I was a girl and we were kids. I was extroverted as a child but due to being repeatedly rejected by kids my age, I became more introverted. I was a major nerd who loved superheroes and I wanted to play sports. Again, for context, the town I grew up in was very conservative and my parents are very conservative themselves. Girls liked girl things- even if they claimed that’s not how they felt, it’s how they acted. However, as a kid, I did not realize this. I played soccer and basketball growing up, regardless of how “weird” it made me because I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. I was probably around 9 or 10 at this point. It was around this time my parents started having issues with my hobbies. I remember my parents trying to convince me to be a cheerleader because I would “like it more,” but I insisted on playing basketball. (This basketball/cheer program was through our church by the way). Because I was still young, they let it slide, but to this day I remember them being annoyed with it. This is also around the time dieting was introduced to me as well as calorie counting. I have always struggled with my weight and so has my mother, so they were very adamant on making sure I was being “healthy.” I didn’t understand it, but as a child, the only thing I was worried about was making my parents happy. A lot of discipline I received revolved around emotion. What I was doing was right or wrong and if I did something wrong, I felt terrible and awful and would often come crying to my parents about the mistakes I made, fearful of their disappointment and anger if they found things out themselves. They also made everything a moral dilemma- everything was about God and religion and as a kid, it really messed with my head. I would blame myself for everything that went wrong, seeing it as God’s punishment for my behavior. When I was 9, I went so far as to blame my grandmother’s death on myself because I was hanging out with boys instead of girls. This made me to be more of an introvert and my now anxiety disorder is much much worse.
About a year later, my parents sat down with me and my brother and told us they wanted to adopt. At first, I was very excited. I loved the idea of having another brother or sister. And I wouldn’t trade my 8 year old brother (let’s call him Scott) for anything, but adopting kids is part of what triggered a huge change in my parent’s behavior. Also- I had started getting older. I loved playing video games, watching cartoons and writing. However, these weren’t the things they wanted me to like I guess, because I started to feel their judgment become more clear and apparent as I got older. Now, I assume this is because as a kid, I just did what I was told, or my oddities were assumed to fade over time, but that is not the case anymore. Anyways, entering middle school, our family fostered a little girl, let’s call her Ally. A young woman in our church had told us that Ally’s family was out of the picture, and as her aunt, she couldn’t take her in as she was already a single mom and planned on adopting her brother, but couldn’t handle all three alone. So my family stepped in- however, we had come to find that her father was still in the picture and was actively fighting for custody. And Ally was a bit of a handful. My parents have admitted that they expected to swoop in, save a child from a hard life and be the heroes, and when things were harder than that they were very upset. Ally was about three- she remembered her mom (who was in jail i believe), her sisters, her grandma and grandpa, as well as her dad. She didn’t want our family, she wanted hers. She didn’t listen to my parents and rejected their parenting. This is what started to make my parents snap. I understand it was hard for them, but now that I’m older, I get it. She was a little girl who wanted her family. But they took her rejection very seriously and were constantly unhappy with her and made sure she knew it. Children not listening immediately was newer to them as my brother and I both did pretty much whatever they asked, and they did not take well to being told “no” by a child. 8 months after living with Ally, she was taken in by her grandparents to live with them and her sisters. The next day, my parents took my brother and I on a small trip. I’m not sure if it was to cheer us up or to celebrate. I was quite sad though- I had started to really care about Ally and had convinced myself that “God would take care of things” and I would have a sister. But I was angry- God took someone away from me and I was doing everything right. Why was he punishing me? Nothing made sense. Yet, only a year later, my parents were considering taking in another child. I wanted nothing to do with it- God had already taken one sibling away from me. I couldn’t do it again. In the end, I agreed and soon became attached to this little boy, who was two when we met him. This was Scott. I immediately became attached- and I love this kid more than I can describe- he’s my little brother and I would do anything for him.
This is where things start to go further downhill. Scott has a lot of trauma and mental issues, one of those issues being oppositional defiant disorder. That basically means that listening to any form of authority is near impossible for him, and causes him to lash out and act younger than he is. This is probably due to a number of reasons, as he was severely neglected and abused as an infant and his birth mother was on several different substances while pregnant with him, to the point where he was born high on several illegal drugs. He was left in a car seat for most of his infant life, so the back of his head is slightly flattened due to this. My parents are very obedient/disciplined-based parents, so his behavior rocked their world. In my opinion, the way they handled things with Scott was borderline abusive. There were several occasions where he would say he hated them (as young children do when they're mad) and they would flip. Telling him that if he didn’t want them that was fine. They didn’t need him. He could run back to his other parents, but his mom was in jail and his dad didn’t want him, so good luck with that. If we were in the car when this happened, they would threaten to leave him on the side of the road and good luck finding his way home. Once my mother literally pulled to the side of the road, placed him outside the car and started driving so he would “think they would leave him if his actions didn’t change,” but she turned around to get him. Because they would “never actually abandon or hurt him,” their actions were justified and perfectly fine. They would tell him he was acting like a baby when he started to cry and scream. “Little baby Scott, do you need a diaper?” Is how they would tease him when he became older, which just made his tantrums worse. They would tell him how disappointed they were with him and that he should be ashamed of himself and the way he acted because they gave him everything. They would call him, to his face, “an ungrateful manipulative piece of shit.” Because according to my parents, he could control his actions 100% and was choosing to act out to make their lives difficult. While I understand that this was hard for them, in my opinion, this in no way excuses their behavior. One time, Scott was crying and was upset (who knows why, but the kid had a lot of trauma and mental issues so it didn’t bother me too much), and my mother picked him up and put him in his room. She told him that every time he tried to leave his room, she would take away one of his stuffed animals. (He had several that he loved very much). Because this sounded so terrible to him, he ran after her trying to say it wasn’t fair. So she went into his room and took a stuffed animal. This cycle continued while he cried and begged for her to stop, because he just didn’t get it that she was going to keep doing this over and over and his trying to convince her was making it worse. Eventually, there were none left, and she told him if he didn’t stop crying she was going to throw them all away. I don’t remember what happened after that, but I do know that several of them were thrown away, if not at that time than others. There are many other instances of things like this and worse occurring, but we’d be here for a while if I tried to recount them all. Moving forwards to closer when I was moving out-
Now, several years later, when I turned sixteen, I had come to terms with the fact that I was bisexual. This went against everything my family was for, and I knew exactly how they viewed queer people. So, I started learning about different branches of Christianity and felt like I knew a God who loved me as I was and was happy in my decision to switch denominations. (My parents were baptists, and I wanted to be non-denominational). A few months after this, I decided to tell my parents the truth. I had done my best to give them hints, but I wanted to be honest with them because I trusted that they would love me and be there for me no matter what. When I told them I wanted to talk to them about something, they pushed and pressed and I had been trying to wait to talk to them until the next day. I had been seeing my high school counselor, and she suggested giving them a heads-up before springing that conversation up on them. However, after telling them to wait, they went through my phone and saw that I had researched different denominations and read different sermons on queer-accepting faith. They were livid. To be clear- I had a friend over while this was happening. We were watching a movie and joking about how I lost my phone and couldn’t show them this picture I wanted to. Then, I was called upstairs. I had apparently betrayed my parents and, “how could I do this to them, when I had someone over?” My father demanded I send my friend home, but my mother convinced him for one more hour. I was told not to tell my friend anything they had said and to act like things were fine, but I couldn’t. I went back downstairs where we were hanging out and started sobbing. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. Everything was over- and the people I thought would love me no matter what made me so afraid and sad, I was completely broken. My friend did their best to comfort me and even felt weary to leave me alone with my family but I told them I’d be okay, and asked that they update our friends about the situation. That night was hellish. So many conversations, them trying to understand what I felt, but not taking me particularly seriously either. That night turned into weeks of books, slideshows, conversations, and prayers. It felt like at-home conversion therapy. Eventually, I was given a choice “put my convictional flag in the ground or loose their trust.” As the petrified 16 year old, I chose to lie. I put my “flag” in the ground and did my best to, “earn back their trust” and repair their reputation that I had tarnished. The next couple months were a blur. I felt so terrible about myself. I didn’t know what I thought or believed and I became extremely hyper anxious and depressed. I had lost all sense of privacy and I did trust my parents further than I could toss them. My 17 year old brother (he was 14 at the time, let’s call him James) was 100% on board with my parents. My life felt like a living nightmare. My parents had it so that all my texts sent or received from my phone would go directly to theirs, so I couldn’t even confide in my friends without getting into trouble (which had happened and was how I found out that they did that because I deleted the texts immediately after sending/receiving things).. Everything felt like it was about me and how I needed to earn back their trust and how I was a terrible betrayer who they were not proud of in the slightest. I had gone to get a pixie cut (with their approval) and after they told me I was disgusting and repulsive and would never find a man to love me. I was heartbroken and felt so alone and unloved in my house, while I had to watch my younger brother be treated the way he was by my parents.
Luckily, I had a lot of friends and our school counselor who had been there for me through everything. They showered me with support and love and made sure I had a safe space to exist and truthfully I think they’re the only reason I didn’t do anything drastic and am still here today. It was hard though because James went to the same school as me and would tell my parents if I was with anyone he knew was queer or queer accepting. This caused me to be very very paranoid about who I was with, when, where, etc. Constantly covering my tracks, having an excuse set up and ready to bolt if I saw anyone I knew. What made things equally hard is that the church my father works at is quite big in our area. So if someone from our church or someone who knew my family saw me with anyone they labeled as “queer” or “gay,” they would tell my family as well. For the most part, I didn’t feel safe anywhere. I was constantly alert and on guard, even when I was asleep as my parents had woken me up before to confront me about someone I was friends with at school.
Fortunately for me, despite everything being such a mess, I am quite academically smart. I got a job the second I turned sixteen as I had heard the horror stories of queer kids being kicked out and wanted to be prepared. I had been saving money, taking college classes (we have a state program that pays for the classes while you’re in high school), and putting on a show for my family for quite some time. After saving some money, I paid my parents for an older car that they had paid off ten or so years ago. After my brother turned 16, he claimed it was too hard to share a car with me, so while I was away visiting a friend they bought him a car and told us that they expected each of us to pay them one thousand dollars before we graduated high school and that when we did so, they would sign over our respective cars to us. To be clear, I contributed to insurance and paid for my own gas, as well as contributing to my phone bill and money for food. Meanwhile, my brother had no job, and was constantly asking my parents for money to go out with friends. He had also taken up golfing, which as most people know is extremely expensive, and my parents funded everything. James had actually admitted to asking for more money than he needed and save the leftovers for whatever he wanted. I was also expected to chauffeur him to golf events and to get togethers with his friends, and my parents would in return give me some gas money. Another thing to note is that the only reason I was contributing to our phone bill is because James wanted unlimited data and my father said it was unreasonable unless we both contributed financially. I refused as I was trying to save money (as I would have with the car situation), however things per normal went James’s way. However, because he did not have a job, he was not expected to pay anything and would not be charged for the months and years that he did not contribute to. I did my best not to let these things get to me and to keep a level head. I paid my parents for the car because I already had over two thousand dollars saved as a seventeen year old high school student due to my hard work.
I focused on my classes and joined theater to help fill the hours in between school and work. I was much more active my sophomore year but when James also decided to join theater I retreated a bit as my once safe space to freely exist was no longer safe. I joined the stage crew but honestly that was also very enjoyable and lethargic for me and I enjoyed it a lot. Anyways, I was mostly a straight A student besides the stray Bs and one or two Cs (psychology and AP government screwed me over) and was working 15 or so hours a week. This is on top of my commitments to the church which were most of my Sundays and my Wednesday evenings. The funny thing is though- James missed more church than I ever did yet because my absence was because of work and not golf, I was the one consistently reprimanded for my lack of attendance and socialization whilst I was there. Yet because James could never do anything wrong and was a very extroverted person his lack of attendance wasn’t as serious as my own. I had one close friend through our church, let’s call her Grace (now 18F) and she actually knew about everything and was very supportive of me. I also had some other friends who really only showed up to church so I didn’t have to go through the torture alone which I don’t know if I could ever repay them for. Besides the people I was comfortable with though, I was pretty much a loner there and this heavily displeased my parents as it made them look bad and messed with their reputation. I never realized how much appearances meant to them until all of the shit that happened took place. As I mentioned before, our church is very conservative and traditional, and many sermons and lessons revolved around gender roles and the sinfulness of the world in terms fo the LGBTQ community. I consistently felt targeted because of my looks and my personality and stopped feeling comfortable there a very long time ago.
Now that more context is in place, fast forward to the end of my junior year. I had at this point finished all my high school requirements for graduation and was given an incredible opportunity to go to our local college full time for my senior year. I was very excited and happy because not only did it give me more freedom but it also meant I would get more than a year of my college education paid for by the state.
It was also around this time when I met my now boyfriend, let’s call him Dean. We were coworkers and had begun to get to know each other. We had a lot in common and while were different people personality wise, we enjoyed each other’s company quite a bit. By some miracle, I convinced my parents to allow me to hang out with him outside of work by claiming he was just a friend and saying that he was a Christian (which is by no means true). They were extremely skeptical but allowed us to hang out. We had an incredible time- and by the end of our first date he asked me to be his girlfriend which I happily accepted. I was so happy, but when I got home, things spiraled out of control. I told my parents about our time, and they were extremely unhappy as they felt fooled (which they were to be fair) and told me I was not allowed to see him ever again. I was devastated and they said a lot of very uncalled for things and but I understand why they were angry. To be clear, they knew I had a romantic interest in Dean and that this hangout was to see if we would be compatible partners and get to know each other better. They did not call it a date though because they weren’t comfortable with it, even if it was a date and they kinda knew it. So while they were on some level “fooled,” I feel that their anger and harshness wasn’t called for as they knew the intentions of our hanging out. The next morning my father demanded to see my phone. This is when I started to panic. You see, they had stop tracking my texts and I had openly flirted with Dean over text. Nothing that explicit and no photos of any kind. But the flirting would be enough for them to tear my world apart and I knew it. They had gone through my personal conversations before and made me feel terrible because of it and I refused to let them do it again. So I deleted everything. The entire conversation chain, I removed it from my phone 100%. My parents absolutely lost their shit. They had been manipulating and gaslighting me for years, doing anything and everything to keep their control and with my actions I showed them they couldn’t control me forever and things went very downhill. I lost all my privacy and was once again told how I had betrayed them and I was terrible and couldn’t be trusted. Again- I partially understand their anger here because I had directly disobeyed a command. But at the same time, I feel as a young woman I should be allowed some sense of privacy and the ability to talk to people without being constantly monitored. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong and would happily do it again in a heartbeat if it meant I’d be where I am today. Regardless of this, my life became a living hell once again, and my parents compared this to when I came out, “which was maybe the worst night of their lives.” They stripped me of all my privileges even if I didn’t have many to begin with. They made me feel absolutely miserable and awful about myself and I was monitored like never before. I would be working and receive texts upon texts of how I was so terrible and how could I do this to them because they had done everything for me and I’m a terrible daughter who should be ashamed of myself for the deceit and malicious nature of my actions. Again- this was because they could not read the messages between me and my now boyfriend. I understand them being mad but they took it to a completely inappropriate level. I shared everything happening with my friends and counselor and they supported me and assured me I did nothing wrong and they would be there for me which helped but as my home was now a living hellscape it was hard to hear it. I found a way to tell Dean about things and at first he felt guilty but I assured him that their actions were not his fault but theirs. He then asked me if I wanted to pause our relationship but I told him honestly that they had taken so many things I cared about over the years and I refused to let them take this. I did tell him however I understood if he didn’t want to put up with all the complicatedness of my family but he told me he cared for me and would be there so long as I was okay with it. He also told me if things ever got really bad at home, regardless of the fact we had just started dating, he had spoken to his family and they offered me a place to stay if I needed/wanted it. This really touched me, but I reassured him that it was not his job to offer that, but I appreciated the offer.
This begins our relationship and we were very happy. We had found a way to communicate over email, and we were able to hide our relationship with my family. Luckily for me, over the years I had made a habit of hanging out at the park by myself so it was not strange for me to head to the park for a couple of hours. There, I would leave my car and phone (my phone had a tracker on it) and Dean and I would hangout multiple times a week and it was heaven. At this point, we’ve only been dating for a year but I can admit without any doubt that I am in love with this man and he is in love with me. During the school year, it became easier for us to hang out in between classes as we both went to the same college (I am older for my year in school and he is younger, so he was a sophomore in college while I was a senior in high school. However, we are barely a year apart in age for anyone who is concerned). However, in order for us to communicate and hang out, I had to be extremely diligent and was consistently covering my tracks while “once again, earning my parents trust and repairing our relationship.” Because of course their actions were completely justified and I was the one in the wrong, per normal. Anyways, every day, I was editing search histories, erasing messages, and looking over my shoulder. Our church had a program on campus where Dean and I went to school, so being together in public was risky as my father’s friends and coworkers were always on campus and I knew I would be screwed if we were caught together. We had a couple of close calls over the months but it was all worth it because I hadn’t been that happy in years.
Now, to the day I left and why. You see, my parents' behavior towards Scott was becoming more aggressive and worse over time. They also had, in my opinion, a drinking problem. Considering they didn’t deny it when I called them out, they may agree. They would behave more hostile after several drinks and it was happening so consistently I was constantly walking on eggshells. Between the way they treated Scott, the way they treated me and the constant stress I was under trying to balance my life in fear of the repercussions, things became too much. When things weren’t going to shit, I was consistently expected to either babysit my brother and do chores while being a full time college student and working a part time job WHILE attending church multiple times a week and keeping up with my responsibilities as a senior. This is on top of the stress my parents' behavior caused, meanwhile James was expected to do almost nothing in comparison. Don’t get me wrong- he didn’t do anything, but he had almost no responsibilities outside of school and his extracurriculars which were exclusively funded by my parents. Yes he helped with dishes during the week and would keep his space tidy. But as my schedule became much more flexible due to my school schedule, my expectations around the house became much higher than his. Even though I paid 200 a month on gas, 50 a month for insurance and 50 a month for the phone bill, and he paid nothing for his car, insurance, phone, gas, nothing. So you would think he would be expected to help in the house more but no. Also, James’s behavior towards Scott mimicked my parents and so all babysitting responsibilities fell on me as they couldn’t be trusted alone together. I was rarely if ever paid for my cleaning or babysitting services as it was my responsibility as their eldest child. They would also consistently judge me for my weight, cloths, hair, hobbies, etc. Why did I think it was a good idea to get fast food? I clearly didn’t need it. They would “outfit check me” to make sure the outfits I wore were feminine enough because the way I look effected their reputation and I couldn’t be trusted. I was not allowed to cut my hair after their tantrum over it. As for my hobbies, I stopped playing sports in middle school as I am very short (currently 5 foot even) and was unable to keep up with my peers. However my interest in video games and cartoons wasn’t feminine enough and they proceeded to compare me to my best friend Grace because she was skinnier and liked more feminine things than I did which hurt a lot. Another thing for context, I have PCOS. It’s an endocrine disorder that heavily effects your metabolism and hormones, which in turn severely effected my weight, however my parents never acknowledged it and again made everything my fault. So from what I wore, what I ate, who I hung out with and what I enjoyed doing was constantly criticized, scrutinized and eventually controlled by my family for years. On top of everything else, I was done. I was 18, I had resaved the thousand I paid my family and knew I was at a place where I didn’t need them and was tired of being treated like shit. So I left.
The night I moved out was a total shit show. I had rallied Dean and my other friend, let’s call them Rita (18NB), and they helped me form a plan. When I returned home, Dean and Rita would be on their way. I would pack everything that belonged to me or I felt they would let me take, and prep the bags outside. After Rita arrived I went to try and explain to my parents that I would be leaving and explain calmly why. In a perfect world, we would have had a long deep talk, and things would have ended alright. That is far, far from what happened. They immediately starting screaming, and took my phone and car keys as both belonged to them, which I calmly handed over. Rita was there for emotional support, and put themselves between me and my parents as they got more angry and seemed to be turning aggressive. After that, my father called the police and claimed that there was an intruder in their home trying to take their child. Yeah. Complete bullshit- which to this day I’m surprised they were never charged with falsifying a 911 call. They screamed at Rita to get out of their home and was screaming that I was throwing away everything and I needed to reconsider. I ignored them and attempted to calmly walk out, and my parents attempted to barricade the doors while harassing Rita to leave. Because Rita is incredible and one of my closest friends now, they refused to leave without me which was very calming. While my parents were distracted yelling at them, I slipped out through the garage. My mother saw this and then grabbed me, attempting to drag me inside by my arm. Rita saw this and assisted me in getting her off me, and after doing so we continued to walk towards Dean’s car where he was waiting for us. He figured it would be best if my family didn’t see him for the time being as they would definitely lose their minds at seeing his face. My parents continued screaming and then the cops arrived. They were quite confused at first because they had been sent to deal with a potential kidnapping, only to see two grown adults throwing a tantrum because their adult child didn’t want to live with them anymore. That night was honestly so insane I could write three more pages about everything they said and did. The most notable events were first when my mother tried to explain to the police that because I was her child, she was allowed to put her hands on me, which they humorously informed her was not the case. The next was when James came home from theater rehearsal, to which my parents told them that I was abandoning our family. He was an emotional wreck through all of it, and to this day has told me that until I “fix” things with our parents he is not okay with having any form of relationship with me. Throughout all of this Scott was in his room, and I was allowed to give him one last hug before leaving. The final and most notable thing, was as the cops allowed my boyfriend, Rita and I to leave, my father threatened violence towards my boyfriend and accused him of "taking advantage of his underage daughter," which is just ridiculous as we are practically the same age, and anything we had done together was consensual and reserved for after I turned 18. Another thing my parents did was go through each bag I had packed and took everything they felt belonged to them, including the laptop provided to me by my high school, which they hilariously were made to give back to me several days later as it was not theirs and they had no right to take it. They tried claiming they were giving it to me out of the kindness of their hearts, but that bullshit meant nothing as after I informed the school of their behavior, the school assured me they would be made to give it back. Another thing they threatened to do as I left was pull me out of high school, which I was assured by the police they were not capable of doing as I was 18. The police were for the most part annoyed with my parents, tired of their bs and told me I seemed to be a capable young woman and wished me the best of luck. My parents had tried to ask the police to say I was mentally unstable for the time being so I wouldn’t be allowed to leave, as their “she’s still in high school” excuse didn’t do anything. You see, as my father is an influential church figure and had friends in the police force, he thought they would be on his side but was sorely mistaken as the chief told him they wouldn’t be doing him any favors. And with that, I was free.
My boyfriend's family has been nothing but unconditionally kind and supportive and have accepted me as part of their family which has been a huge blessing in all of this. I am in contact with my father’s sister and his father, my aunt and grandpa, and as I have expressed my unhappiness at home, they are supportive of me as well. However, as my aunt lives further away and my grandpa is not in the best place to have me live with him, I have been with my boyfriend's family since I left home in October. I have a lot more I could say but I already feel like there are way too many parts here and so for now I’ll leave it at this. So yeah, AITA for moving out after I was treated like shit for years while witnessing the mistreatment of my sibling?
submitted by Super_Season_811 to FamilyProblems [link] [comments]
My parents (40F and 42M) are very religious and were somewhat strict while I was growing up. I have two younger brothers, one 17 and one 8 (this will be important later). For context, my father is a pastor at a local church and my parent’s religious beliefs are the reasoning behind most if not all of their actions. Growing up, I was never a stereotypical girl. I didn’t have many female friends and was usually not accepted in groups with guys as I was a girl and we were kids. I was extroverted as a child but due to being repeatedly rejected by kids my age, I became more introverted. I was a major nerd who loved superheroes and I wanted to play sports. Again, for context, the town I grew up in was very conservative and my parents are very conservative themselves. Girls liked girl things- even if they claimed that’s not how they felt, it’s how they acted. However, as a kid, I did not realize this. I played soccer and basketball growing up, regardless of how “weird” it made me because I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. I was probably around 9 or 10 at this point. It was around this time my parents started having issues with my hobbies. I remember my parents trying to convince me to be a cheerleader because I would “like it more,” but I insisted on playing basketball. (This basketball/cheer program was through our church by the way). Because I was still young, they let it slide, but to this day I remember them being annoyed with it. This is also around the time dieting was introduced to me as well as calorie counting. I have always struggled with my weight and so has my mother, so they were very adamant on making sure I was being “healthy.” I didn’t understand it, but as a child, the only thing I was worried about was making my parents happy. A lot of discipline I received revolved around emotion. What I was doing was right or wrong and if I did something wrong, I felt terrible and awful and would often come crying to my parents about the mistakes I made, fearful of their disappointment and anger if they found things out themselves. They also made everything a moral dilemma- everything was about God and religion and as a kid, it really messed with my head. I would blame myself for everything that went wrong, seeing it as God’s punishment for my behavior. When I was 9, I went so far as to blame my grandmother’s death on myself because I was hanging out with boys instead of girls. This made me to be more of an introvert and my now anxiety disorder is much much worse.
About a year later, my parents sat down with me and my brother and told us they wanted to adopt. At first, I was very excited. I loved the idea of having another brother or sister. And I wouldn’t trade my 8 year old brother (let’s call him Scott) for anything, but adopting kids is part of what triggered a huge change in my parent’s behavior. Also- I had started getting older. I loved playing video games, watching cartoons and writing. However, these weren’t the things they wanted me to like I guess, because I started to feel their judgment become more clear and apparent as I got older. Now, I assume this is because as a kid, I just did what I was told, or my oddities were assumed to fade over time, but that is not the case anymore. Anyways, entering middle school, our family fostered a little girl, let’s call her Ally. A young woman in our church had told us that Ally’s family was out of the picture, and as her aunt, she couldn’t take her in as she was already a single mom and planned on adopting her brother, but couldn’t handle all three alone. So my family stepped in- however, we had come to find that her father was still in the picture and was actively fighting for custody. And Ally was a bit of a handful. My parents have admitted that they expected to swoop in, save a child from a hard life and be the heroes, and when things were harder than that they were very upset. Ally was about three- she remembered her mom (who was in jail i believe), her sisters, her grandma and grandpa, as well as her dad. She didn’t want our family, she wanted hers. She didn’t listen to my parents and rejected their parenting. This is what started to make my parents snap. I understand it was hard for them, but now that I’m older, I get it. She was a little girl who wanted her family. But they took her rejection very seriously and were constantly unhappy with her and made sure she knew it. Children not listening immediately was newer to them as my brother and I both did pretty much whatever they asked, and they did not take well to being told “no” by a child. 8 months after living with Ally, she was taken in by her grandparents to live with them and her sisters. The next day, my parents took my brother and I on a small trip. I’m not sure if it was to cheer us up or to celebrate. I was quite sad though- I had started to really care about Ally and had convinced myself that “God would take care of things” and I would have a sister. But I was angry- God took someone away from me and I was doing everything right. Why was he punishing me? Nothing made sense. Yet, only a year later, my parents were considering taking in another child. I wanted nothing to do with it- God had already taken one sibling away from me. I couldn’t do it again. In the end, I agreed and soon became attached to this little boy, who was two when we met him. This was Scott. I immediately became attached- and I love this kid more than I can describe- he’s my little brother and I would do anything for him.
This is where things start to go further downhill. Scott has a lot of trauma and mental issues, one of those issues being oppositional defiant disorder. That basically means that listening to any form of authority is near impossible for him, and causes him to lash out and act younger than he is. This is probably due to a number of reasons, as he was severely neglected and abused as an infant and his birth mother was on several different substances while pregnant with him, to the point where he was born high on several illegal drugs. He was left in a car seat for most of his infant life, so the back of his head is slightly flattened due to this. My parents are very obedient/disciplined-based parents, so his behavior rocked their world. In my opinion, the way they handled things with Scott was borderline abusive. There were several occasions where he would say he hated them (as young children do when they're mad) and they would flip. Telling him that if he didn’t want them that was fine. They didn’t need him. He could run back to his other parents, but his mom was in jail and his dad didn’t want him, so good luck with that. If we were in the car when this happened, they would threaten to leave him on the side of the road and good luck finding his way home. Once my mother literally pulled to the side of the road, placed him outside the car and started driving so he would “think they would leave him if his actions didn’t change,” but she turned around to get him. Because they would “never actually abandon or hurt him,” their actions were justified and perfectly fine. They would tell him he was acting like a baby when he started to cry and scream. “Little baby Scott, do you need a diaper?” Is how they would tease him when he became older, which just made his tantrums worse. They would tell him how disappointed they were with him and that he should be ashamed of himself and the way he acted because they gave him everything. They would call him, to his face, “an ungrateful manipulative piece of shit.” Because according to my parents, he could control his actions 100% and was choosing to act out to make their lives difficult. While I understand that this was hard for them, in my opinion, this in no way excuses their behavior. One time, Scott was crying and was upset (who knows why, but the kid had a lot of trauma and mental issues so it didn’t bother me too much), and my mother picked him up and put him in his room. She told him that every time he tried to leave his room, she would take away one of his stuffed animals. (He had several that he loved very much). Because this sounded so terrible to him, he ran after her trying to say it wasn’t fair. So she went into his room and took a stuffed animal. This cycle continued while he cried and begged for her to stop, because he just didn’t get it that she was going to keep doing this over and over and his trying to convince her was making it worse. Eventually, there were none left, and she told him if he didn’t stop crying she was going to throw them all away. I don’t remember what happened after that, but I do know that several of them were thrown away, if not at that time than others. There are many other instances of things like this and worse occurring, but we’d be here for a while if I tried to recount them all. Moving forwards to closer when I was moving out-
Now, several years later, when I turned sixteen, I had come to terms with the fact that I was bisexual. This went against everything my family was for, and I knew exactly how they viewed queer people. So, I started learning about different branches of Christianity and felt like I knew a God who loved me as I was and was happy in my decision to switch denominations. (My parents were baptists, and I wanted to be non-denominational). A few months after this, I decided to tell my parents the truth. I had done my best to give them hints, but I wanted to be honest with them because I trusted that they would love me and be there for me no matter what. When I told them I wanted to talk to them about something, they pushed and pressed and I had been trying to wait to talk to them until the next day. I had been seeing my high school counselor, and she suggested giving them a heads-up before springing that conversation up on them. However, after telling them to wait, they went through my phone and saw that I had researched different denominations and read different sermons on queer-accepting faith. They were livid. To be clear- I had a friend over while this was happening. We were watching a movie and joking about how I lost my phone and couldn’t show them this picture I wanted to. Then, I was called upstairs. I had apparently betrayed my parents and, “how could I do this to them, when I had someone over?” My father demanded I send my friend home, but my mother convinced him for one more hour. I was told not to tell my friend anything they had said and to act like things were fine, but I couldn’t. I went back downstairs where we were hanging out and started sobbing. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. Everything was over- and the people I thought would love me no matter what made me so afraid and sad, I was completely broken. My friend did their best to comfort me and even felt weary to leave me alone with my family but I told them I’d be okay, and asked that they update our friends about the situation. That night was hellish. So many conversations, them trying to understand what I felt, but not taking me particularly seriously either. That night turned into weeks of books, slideshows, conversations, and prayers. It felt like at-home conversion therapy. Eventually, I was given a choice “put my convictional flag in the ground or loose their trust.” As the petrified 16 year old, I chose to lie. I put my “flag” in the ground and did my best to, “earn back their trust” and repair their reputation that I had tarnished. The next couple months were a blur. I felt so terrible about myself. I didn’t know what I thought or believed and I became extremely hyper anxious and depressed. I had lost all sense of privacy and I did trust my parents further than I could toss them. My 17 year old brother (he was 14 at the time, let’s call him James) was 100% on board with my parents. My life felt like a living nightmare. My parents had it so that all my texts sent or received from my phone would go directly to theirs, so I couldn’t even confide in my friends without getting into trouble (which had happened and was how I found out that they did that because I deleted the texts immediately after sending/receiving things).. Everything felt like it was about me and how I needed to earn back their trust and how I was a terrible betrayer who they were not proud of in the slightest. I had gone to get a pixie cut (with their approval) and after they told me I was disgusting and repulsive and would never find a man to love me. I was heartbroken and felt so alone and unloved in my house, while I had to watch my younger brother be treated the way he was by my parents.
Luckily, I had a lot of friends and our school counselor who had been there for me through everything. They showered me with support and love and made sure I had a safe space to exist and truthfully I think they’re the only reason I didn’t do anything drastic and am still here today. It was hard though because James went to the same school as me and would tell my parents if I was with anyone he knew was queer or queer accepting. This caused me to be very very paranoid about who I was with, when, where, etc. Constantly covering my tracks, having an excuse set up and ready to bolt if I saw anyone I knew. What made things equally hard is that the church my father works at is quite big in our area. So if someone from our church or someone who knew my family saw me with anyone they labeled as “queer” or “gay,” they would tell my family as well. For the most part, I didn’t feel safe anywhere. I was constantly alert and on guard, even when I was asleep as my parents had woken me up before to confront me about someone I was friends with at school.
Fortunately for me, despite everything being such a mess, I am quite academically smart. I got a job the second I turned sixteen as I had heard the horror stories of queer kids being kicked out and wanted to be prepared. I had been saving money, taking college classes (we have a state program that pays for the classes while you’re in high school), and putting on a show for my family for quite some time. After saving some money, I paid my parents for an older car that they had paid off ten or so years ago. After my brother turned 16, he claimed it was too hard to share a car with me, so while I was away visiting a friend they bought him a car and told us that they expected each of us to pay them one thousand dollars before we graduated high school and that when we did so, they would sign over our respective cars to us. To be clear, I contributed to insurance and paid for my own gas, as well as contributing to my phone bill and money for food. Meanwhile, my brother had no job, and was constantly asking my parents for money to go out with friends. He had also taken up golfing, which as most people know is extremely expensive, and my parents funded everything. James had actually admitted to asking for more money than he needed and save the leftovers for whatever he wanted. I was also expected to chauffeur him to golf events and to get togethers with his friends, and my parents would in return give me some gas money. Another thing to note is that the only reason I was contributing to our phone bill is because James wanted unlimited data and my father said it was unreasonable unless we both contributed financially. I refused as I was trying to save money (as I would have with the car situation), however things per normal went James’s way. However, because he did not have a job, he was not expected to pay anything and would not be charged for the months and years that he did not contribute to. I did my best not to let these things get to me and to keep a level head. I paid my parents for the car because I already had over two thousand dollars saved as a seventeen year old high school student due to my hard work.
I focused on my classes and joined theater to help fill the hours in between school and work. I was much more active my sophomore year but when James also decided to join theater I retreated a bit as my once safe space to freely exist was no longer safe. I joined the stage crew but honestly that was also very enjoyable and lethargic for me and I enjoyed it a lot. Anyways, I was mostly a straight A student besides the stray Bs and one or two Cs (psychology and AP government screwed me over) and was working 15 or so hours a week. This is on top of my commitments to the church which were most of my Sundays and my Wednesday evenings. The funny thing is though- James missed more church than I ever did yet because my absence was because of work and not golf, I was the one consistently reprimanded for my lack of attendance and socialization whilst I was there. Yet because James could never do anything wrong and was a very extroverted person his lack of attendance wasn’t as serious as my own. I had one close friend through our church, let’s call her Grace (now 18F) and she actually knew about everything and was very supportive of me. I also had some other friends who really only showed up to church so I didn’t have to go through the torture alone which I don’t know if I could ever repay them for. Besides the people I was comfortable with though, I was pretty much a loner there and this heavily displeased my parents as it made them look bad and messed with their reputation. I never realized how much appearances meant to them until all of the shit that happened took place. As I mentioned before, our church is very conservative and traditional, and many sermons and lessons revolved around gender roles and the sinfulness of the world in terms fo the LGBTQ community. I consistently felt targeted because of my looks and my personality and stopped feeling comfortable there a very long time ago.
Now that more context is in place, fast forward to the end of my junior year. I had at this point finished all my high school requirements for graduation and was given an incredible opportunity to go to our local college full time for my senior year. I was very excited and happy because not only did it give me more freedom but it also meant I would get more than a year of my college education paid for by the state.
It was also around this time when I met my now boyfriend, let’s call him Dean. We were coworkers and had begun to get to know each other. We had a lot in common and while were different people personality wise, we enjoyed each other’s company quite a bit. By some miracle, I convinced my parents to allow me to hang out with him outside of work by claiming he was just a friend and saying that he was a Christian (which is by no means true). They were extremely skeptical but allowed us to hang out. We had an incredible time- and by the end of our first date he asked me to be his girlfriend which I happily accepted. I was so happy, but when I got home, things spiraled out of control. I told my parents about our time, and they were extremely unhappy as they felt fooled (which they were to be fair) and told me I was not allowed to see him ever again. I was devastated and they said a lot of very uncalled for things and but I understand why they were angry. To be clear, they knew I had a romantic interest in Dean and that this hangout was to see if we would be compatible partners and get to know each other better. They did not call it a date though because they weren’t comfortable with it, even if it was a date and they kinda knew it. So while they were on some level “fooled,” I feel that their anger and harshness wasn’t called for as they knew the intentions of our hanging out. The next morning my father demanded to see my phone. This is when I started to panic. You see, they had stop tracking my texts and I had openly flirted with Dean over text. Nothing that explicit and no photos of any kind. But the flirting would be enough for them to tear my world apart and I knew it. They had gone through my personal conversations before and made me feel terrible because of it and I refused to let them do it again. So I deleted everything. The entire conversation chain, I removed it from my phone 100%. My parents absolutely lost their shit. They had been manipulating and gaslighting me for years, doing anything and everything to keep their control and with my actions I showed them they couldn’t control me forever and things went very downhill. I lost all my privacy and was once again told how I had betrayed them and I was terrible and couldn’t be trusted. Again- I partially understand their anger here because I had directly disobeyed a command. But at the same time, I feel as a young woman I should be allowed some sense of privacy and the ability to talk to people without being constantly monitored. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong and would happily do it again in a heartbeat if it meant I’d be where I am today. Regardless of this, my life became a living hell once again, and my parents compared this to when I came out, “which was maybe the worst night of their lives.” They stripped me of all my privileges even if I didn’t have many to begin with. They made me feel absolutely miserable and awful about myself and I was monitored like never before. I would be working and receive texts upon texts of how I was so terrible and how could I do this to them because they had done everything for me and I’m a terrible daughter who should be ashamed of myself for the deceit and malicious nature of my actions. Again- this was because they could not read the messages between me and my now boyfriend. I understand them being mad but they took it to a completely inappropriate level. I shared everything happening with my friends and counselor and they supported me and assured me I did nothing wrong and they would be there for me which helped but as my home was now a living hellscape it was hard to hear it. I found a way to tell Dean about things and at first he felt guilty but I assured him that their actions were not his fault but theirs. He then asked me if I wanted to pause our relationship but I told him honestly that they had taken so many things I cared about over the years and I refused to let them take this. I did tell him however I understood if he didn’t want to put up with all the complicatedness of my family but he told me he cared for me and would be there so long as I was okay with it. He also told me if things ever got really bad at home, regardless of the fact we had just started dating, he had spoken to his family and they offered me a place to stay if I needed/wanted it. This really touched me, but I reassured him that it was not his job to offer that, but I appreciated the offer.
This begins our relationship and we were very happy. We had found a way to communicate over email, and we were able to hide our relationship with my family. Luckily for me, over the years I had made a habit of hanging out at the park by myself so it was not strange for me to head to the park for a couple of hours. There, I would leave my car and phone (my phone had a tracker on it) and Dean and I would hangout multiple times a week and it was heaven. At this point, we’ve only been dating for a year but I can admit without any doubt that I am in love with this man and he is in love with me. During the school year, it became easier for us to hang out in between classes as we both went to the same college (I am older for my year in school and he is younger, so he was a sophomore in college while I was a senior in high school. However, we are barely a year apart in age for anyone who is concerned). However, in order for us to communicate and hang out, I had to be extremely diligent and was consistently covering my tracks while “once again, earning my parents trust and repairing our relationship.” Because of course their actions were completely justified and I was the one in the wrong, per normal. Anyways, every day, I was editing search histories, erasing messages, and looking over my shoulder. Our church had a program on campus where Dean and I went to school, so being together in public was risky as my father’s friends and coworkers were always on campus and I knew I would be screwed if we were caught together. We had a couple of close calls over the months but it was all worth it because I hadn’t been that happy in years.
Now, to the day I left and why. You see, my parents' behavior towards Scott was becoming more aggressive and worse over time. They also had, in my opinion, a drinking problem. Considering they didn’t deny it when I called them out, they may agree. They would behave more hostile after several drinks and it was happening so consistently I was constantly walking on eggshells. Between the way they treated Scott, the way they treated me and the constant stress I was under trying to balance my life in fear of the repercussions, things became too much. When things weren’t going to shit, I was consistently expected to either babysit my brother and do chores while being a full time college student and working a part time job WHILE attending church multiple times a week and keeping up with my responsibilities as a senior. This is on top of the stress my parents' behavior caused, meanwhile James was expected to do almost nothing in comparison. Don’t get me wrong- he didn’t do anything, but he had almost no responsibilities outside of school and his extracurriculars which were exclusively funded by my parents. Yes he helped with dishes during the week and would keep his space tidy. But as my schedule became much more flexible due to my school schedule, my expectations around the house became much higher than his. Even though I paid 200 a month on gas, 50 a month for insurance and 50 a month for the phone bill, and he paid nothing for his car, insurance, phone, gas, nothing. So you would think he would be expected to help in the house more but no. Also, James’s behavior towards Scott mimicked my parents and so all babysitting responsibilities fell on me as they couldn’t be trusted alone together. I was rarely if ever paid for my cleaning or babysitting services as it was my responsibility as their eldest child. They would also consistently judge me for my weight, cloths, hair, hobbies, etc. Why did I think it was a good idea to get fast food? I clearly didn’t need it. They would “outfit check me” to make sure the outfits I wore were feminine enough because the way I look effected their reputation and I couldn’t be trusted. I was not allowed to cut my hair after their tantrum over it. As for my hobbies, I stopped playing sports in middle school as I am very short (currently 5 foot even) and was unable to keep up with my peers. However my interest in video games and cartoons wasn’t feminine enough and they proceeded to compare me to my best friend Grace because she was skinnier and liked more feminine things than I did which hurt a lot. Another thing for context, I have PCOS. It’s an endocrine disorder that heavily effects your metabolism and hormones, which in turn severely effected my weight, however my parents never acknowledged it and again made everything my fault. So from what I wore, what I ate, who I hung out with and what I enjoyed doing was constantly criticized, scrutinized and eventually controlled by my family for years. On top of everything else, I was done. I was 18, I had resaved the thousand I paid my family and knew I was at a place where I didn’t need them and was tired of being treated like shit. So I left.
The night I moved out was a total shit show. I had rallied Dean and my other friend, let’s call them Rita (18NB), and they helped me form a plan. When I returned home, Dean and Rita would be on their way. I would pack everything that belonged to me or I felt they would let me take, and prep the bags outside. After Rita arrived I went to try and explain to my parents that I would be leaving and explain calmly why. In a perfect world, we would have had a long deep talk, and things would have ended alright. That is far, far from what happened. They immediately starting screaming, and took my phone and car keys as both belonged to them, which I calmly handed over. Rita was there for emotional support, and put themselves between me and my parents as they got more angry and seemed to be turning aggressive. After that, my father called the police and claimed that there was an intruder in their home trying to take their child. Yeah. Complete bullshit- which to this day I’m surprised they were never charged with falsifying a 911 call. They screamed at Rita to get out of their home and was screaming that I was throwing away everything and I needed to reconsider. I ignored them and attempted to calmly walk out, and my parents attempted to barricade the doors while harassing Rita to leave. Because Rita is incredible and one of my closest friends now, they refused to leave without me which was very calming. While my parents were distracted yelling at them, I slipped out through the garage. My mother saw this and then grabbed me, attempting to drag me inside by my arm. Rita saw this and assisted me in getting her off me, and after doing so we continued to walk towards Dean’s car where he was waiting for us. He figured it would be best if my family didn’t see him for the time being as they would definitely lose their minds at seeing his face. My parents continued screaming and then the cops arrived. They were quite confused at first because they had been sent to deal with a potential kidnapping, only to see two grown adults throwing a tantrum because their adult child didn’t want to live with them anymore. That night was honestly so insane I could write three more pages about everything they said and did. The most notable events were first when my mother tried to explain to the police that because I was her child, she was allowed to put her hands on me, which they humorously informed her was not the case. The next was when James came home from theater rehearsal, to which my parents told them that I was abandoning our family. He was an emotional wreck through all of it, and to this day has told me that until I “fix” things with our parents he is not okay with having any form of relationship with me. Throughout all of this Scott was in his room, and I was allowed to give him one last hug before leaving. The final and most notable thing, was as the cops allowed my boyfriend, Rita and I to leave, my father threatened violence towards my boyfriend and accused him of "taking advantage of his underage daughter," which is just ridiculous as we are practically the same age, and anything we had done together was consensual and reserved for after I turned 18. Another thing my parents did was go through each bag I had packed and took everything they felt belonged to them, including the laptop provided to me by my high school, which they hilariously were made to give back to me several days later as it was not theirs and they had no right to take it. They tried claiming they were giving it to me out of the kindness of their hearts, but that bullshit meant nothing as after I informed the school of their behavior, the school assured me they would be made to give it back. Another thing they threatened to do as I left was pull me out of high school, which I was assured by the police they were not capable of doing as I was 18. The police were for the most part annoyed with my parents, tired of their bs and told me I seemed to be a capable young woman and wished me the best of luck. My parents had tried to ask the police to say I was mentally unstable for the time being so I wouldn’t be allowed to leave, as their “she’s still in high school” excuse didn’t do anything. You see, as my father is an influential church figure and had friends in the police force, he thought they would be on his side but was sorely mistaken as the chief told him they wouldn’t be doing him any favors. And with that, I was free.
My boyfriend's family has been nothing but unconditionally kind and supportive and have accepted me as part of their family which has been a huge blessing in all of this. I am in contact with my father’s sister and his father, my aunt and grandpa, and as I have expressed my unhappiness at home, they are supportive of me as well. However, as my aunt lives further away and my grandpa is not in the best place to have me live with him, I have been with my boyfriend's family since I left home in October. I have a lot more I could say but I already feel like there are way too many parts here and so for now I’ll leave it at this. So yeah, AITA for moving out after I was treated like shit for years while witnessing the mistreatment of my sibling?
2024.05.15 21:48 Nora_Clybourn [RF] Will for Adventure
Part 1
Chicago, 2016. Flinn Gerald is doing his best to make it in the city. Born in Selma, Alabama, he has spent his entire life trying to escape the ever tightening grasp of his small town. But alas, he made it out and is adapting to life in the big city. With a big fancy corporate job, an endless supply of friends, an apartment with a stunning view of the lake, and great distance from his family, what more could he need? Well, there is a lot more (or less) that he needs, but of course that is a story for later.
On a typical Tuesday night at a bar, the regulars crowd in. Flinn is late, as usual, as he stayed late at work (again), but on his arrival, the cheers and hugs from all the friends make everyone forget of the regular inconvenience. Conversation ensued, starting with all the boring finance jargon, but as the drinks flowed, so did the conversation, moving away from work and more into life. This is what everyone preferred.
“Another round, anyone?” asked Raheem, enthusiastically. After a murmur of concurrence, he stood up to make his way up to the bar. “Flinn, care to lend a hand?”
Raheem Bartlett was Flinn’s college roommate and the first person he met outside of his hometown. The pair hit it off instantly despite having wildly different backgrounds. Even in their freshman year, the engineer and the finance major would get into all sorts of trouble together, but eventually they leveled out. Six years later, they still have each other’s backs just like day one.
The pair made their way up to the bar and waited to get the bartender's attention. “What's up with you, bro?” asked Raheem. “You’ve been seeming a bit off.”
“Oh, ya know. Work, life, everything kinda happens so fast. Work has been busy as of late, and the hours long.”
Seeming displeased by this answer, Raheem stared back in concern.
“Really, I’m fine… just long hours.”
“Back in school you’d pull back to back all-nighters and then still make it to a morning class. I find it hard to believe that the mighty Flinn would be so setback by ‘long hours’.”
Flinn took a moment to ponder, staring down at the bar covered in various stamps and postcards beneath the epoxy surface. “I guess, ya know, it's not all it was cracked up to be. I guess I had expected more.” Flinn had mostly dropped his accent, but occasionally it would still slip out.
Despite coming from a long line of mill workers (mostly paper) and farm hands who never ventured further than the Dallas county line, Flinn yearned to leave his small town and conquer the world from a young age. Coming from the poorest county in Alabama, his family always squashed his dreams, labeling them as impossible. But Flinn knew better. Or, at least he knew he could do better. Graduating top of his class a year early and winning a full-ride scholarship to Northwestern University, he had proved everyone wrong and set his own path. The path he was told was impossible became his reality.
“More what?”
“Nothing, really. I mean, what more is there? This is what I always wanted, right? The stable job in the city, never having to worry about money. It’s great, and I couldn’t be more grateful, but… something is missing. Doing the same thing day after day staring at a screen, moving clients money around. I… just hoped it would be more fulfilling, especially after all it took to get here.”
Before he could finish his thought, the bartender came up to take their order: another round for the table, plus a round of shots, plus two more shots.
“What am I saying, really?” added Flinn. “I shouldn’t be complaining. Look at where I am now compared to six years ago. So much has changed. My home, friends, even my diet. I just feel a bit off. Like I need something more to do..
“I get it, bro. Adjusting to your new life can be rough. Enjoy it for a minute or two.” Raheem slides a shot in front of Flinn. “Here, take this.”
Tuesday had become fairly consistent to this point for this group of misfits: Raheem and his girlfriend Amy; Jack; Jasper, from Flinn’s firm, and his wife Max; and of course, Flinn. For nearly two years, these six have been meeting at O’Malley’s every Tuesday night for drinks and trivia. Some nights are more wild than others, but Tuesday has become the staple of the week among them.
Drinks flowed pretty regularly and heavy over the next few hours as the clock approached the end of day. Still going round for round on alternating tabs, the useless debates began to heat up.
“You can’t seriously think Wicker Park is the best neighborhood outside the Loop. Y’all need to get out more,” said Flinn.
“Bro it’s obviously Wicker Park,” argued Raheem.” Right on the blue line, getting to O’Hare is insanely easy, plus you can’t find better music in the city. Besides, Wicker Park has Davenport’s.”
“No one ever says Wicker Park,” adds Jack. “Have you ever heard someone say Wicker Park before?”
“Dude, but you can obviously get to O’Hare from anywhere in the city,” said Flinn
“Sure, but beats walking through that dumb Block 37 Center transfer like you and your red line. No transfer is the way to go, plus the blue line gets you right to the center of the loop.”
“So does every other L line as long as ya don’t mind walking a few blocks!”
“You’re both wrong,” adds Max. “Neither matters because Midway is better anyways.”
“Woah!” the whole table murmurs, sharing shocked looks as if she just confessed to a crime. Flinn rolled his eyes at this notion.
“Who flies out of Midway?” asks Raheem.
“What? Less people, cheaper flights, and more space. Why wouldn’t I fly out of Midway?” said Max.
“Wait, wait, that aside,” interrupts Raheem, “can we go back to the fact that Jasper thinks Sheffield is the best neighborhood? I feel like we moved past that too quickly.”
The debate rages on for many more minutes, until Flinn, seemingly out of nowhere, had enough.
“Can y’all just shut the fuck up! Why does it even matter?” Everyone’s glance quickly shot over to Flinn as a deafening silence overtook the table. Everyone pondered how to respond, and couldn’t seem to find an answer. This behavior from Flinn was unexpected, nay, unheard of. Flinn was the most level headed amongst them by far. Not even Raheem, his best friend of six years, had ever seen him get angry, let alone over an inconsequential friendly argument. “I…” Not even Flinn knew what to say next. “I’m going to go home. Long day tomorrow.” Already on his feet, he quickly walked away from the table and out the door.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The walk home was fairly brisk, but Flinn had grown fond of the cold. He tucked his hands into his coat pocket and hunched his shoulders forward, only looking down at the pavement ignoring the mostly asleep but still wide awake city surrounding him. His thoughts ran wild and near out of control. Of course, his intoxication did not help with clarity, but the inner dialogue was deafening. Not even he knew what was bothering him, but he was obviously bothered, deeply. He made a fool of himself in a way he never had before, and right now he felt he did not recognize himself. Surely some sleep will help, right?
He slowly made his way down the steps to the platform, carefully watching each step as to not fall, to wait for his train. He posted up against a pillar and stared off onto the dark, empty tracks. What has gotten into me? He did his best to calm his racing, wasted mind searching for some legibility amongst his thoughts.
Once he finally got home, he slumped down on the couch and scarfed down some week-old sushi he found in the fridge. He turned on some old documentary and was asleep before he knew it.
Suddenly, he was woken up by his phone ringing. It usually does not ring this time of night and was less than thrilled to be woken, so he let it keep ringing. It stopped after a couple of seconds, and he glanced down at the screen:
Mama
(2) missed calls
Dad
(1) missed call
Now concerned, he calls his mom back in a hurry. “Hello?”
“Flinn? Your grandfather, he’s dead.”
Part 2
The wet air engulfed Flinn’s face as he stepped out the airport doors into a warm February day. Six years had passed since he smelled the Alabama air. Even after all this time, it still smells just as he had remembered as if not even a day had passed. The drive to Selma was another ninety minutes, and despite having five days to mentally prepare himself for his arrival, it was not nearly enough time. He had not seen or spoken to anyone from his town, not even family, since he left early that August morning all those years ago. He left everything behind to start his new life. The life so many told him to not start, that he needed to stay. He left anyway and never looked back.
That was, until now. He had little choice in this regard. He knew he would have to make his return someday, but he knew not when nor for what. But today was that day. Flinn and his grandfather (Pops) had always been close. If anyone had been supportive of him, it’d have been Pops, but he was a man of little words. Even when he could talk, he hardly chose to. He was a great listener, and not just because he could not speak. He showed he was engaged and listening no matter what Flinn had to say. At times, he felt Pops was the only one who understood him as if he had been just like him before, but no one would ever talk about his past. All Flinn knew is Pops lost his tongue after a failed lynching.
The familiarity of the scenery zipping past was bittersweet. He had not realized how much he missed the rolling hills and thick forests beneath the unforgiving southern sky. He kept his head pressed against the cool glass of the car window even through the constant bumps in the road. He couldn’t look away. So many memories happened here, and the closer he got, the more plentiful the memories became, and the more potent they were, and the more painful they’d become.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the dust settled behind him, he stood on the driveway staring at his childhood home still unsure how to process his emotions. It was all so overwhelming. He was thinking everything at once. He took a deep breath, rolled back his shoulders, and swallowed. He reached for the door handle, hesitating slightly, and took a step in. One foot, and then the next.
“Martin!” Flinn smiled as his old friend and childhood dog rushed towards him without hesitation. He knelt down and embraced him as Martin excitedly rustled through his arms seemingly showing more energy than he had in years.
He walked down the hall and around the corner into the living room. There, both drawn to the large television like moths to a flame, he saw his parents sitting beside one another on the couch watching some daytime program with their backs to him. They seemed to pay no notice to the commotion at the front door nor the loud creaking footsteps he took along the old wooden floors. They knew he was there; they just chose to ignore him. He walked into view to greet them. "Mama, dad." His father smiled slightly but caught himself and refrained.
Mama kept a straight face, but seemed to be fighting tears."Howard, help Flinn with his bags, dear."
“No, it's alright, I know where to take them,” said Flinn. “How are y’all?”
“Service is tomorrow at eleven down at the ole First Baptist Church. Make sure to wear something nice.”
“Alright, mama. I’ll... I’ll see you at dinner.”
“Whole family is coming tonight. Dinner is served at...”
“At seven, I got it, just as always.”
“It’s good to see you, kid.” said his dad. “Let me know if you need anything”
He did not expect things to go like that, not that he knew what to expect. He had hoped time would have been more forgiving. Perhaps leaving unannounced in the middle of the night was not the best plan, but at the time he felt as if he had no other choice. Everyone knew he was leaving. That was no secret and had not been for years before any plan had actually been set into motion. No one knew the date or time, except for Pops, of course, but he’d never tell. Of course he wanted everyone to know. He wanted everyone to be proud of him, but it was too big of a risk and commendations were too much to expect. Besides, Mama always had her schemes, and had she known, she would have found a way to stop him.
Not much had changed since he’d been here last. The old wood paneling still lined nearly all the walls, crack in some spots, replaced in others, but all coated by decades of cigarette soot. On the walls were a combination of family portraits from over the years and cheap artwork found at the flea market. Old green furniture, too many house plants to count, and a tacky themed kitchen, it was all still the same.
His childhood bedroom, however, was much different. Hardly even recognizable, what was once his bedroom was now a storage room filled with endless shelves and boxes. He set his things on the lonely cot in the corner, sat down, and took it all in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not realizing he had drifted off, Flinn awoke and looked at the clock. 6:55. Convenient. He sat up and brushed his hair down with his hand as he suspected it was sticking up in the usual way. He rubbed his eyes and made his way to the dining room. The whole family was there, probably about twenty people or so, all scattered about throughout the kitchen, dining room, and living room engaged in various conversations. His nana, aunt, and Mama were cooking away putting the final touches on the large meal.
“Well if it isn’t this fucker…” said a familiar voice to his left, laughing. Flinn looked over to see his cousin who’s just a year younger than him.
“DeAndre, how are you?”
“Never thought I’d see you again, even since you left. Thought maybe you ‘ood be dead.”
“Nah,” Flinn laughed. “Still very much alive.”
“I can see dat. Wearin’ your fancy suit and all.”
“Yeah I’ve been doing pretty well. Work has been… good. I have a great job at a finance firm in Chicago. Everything has been… Good. Yeah, good. How about you?”
“Now you ain’t goin’ city on us, are you?”
Flinn laughed. “I think I might already be.”
Just as dinner was finishing up, a line started to form and people found a seat wherever they could, be it at the table, on the couch, near the counter, or outside.
“Flinn!” his dad called out. “I saved ya a seat here at the table, kid.”
Flinn took his seat right next to his dad which positioned him right across from Mama. The table could sit eight, and the seats filled in pretty quickly so he was lucky to get one. Besides his sister, all of the oldest family members took the other four chairs.
The dinner itself was mostly uneventful, except for the food of course which was extraordinary. Flinn had not eaten Mama’s cooking, or anything like it in six years. The southern food in Chicago was alright, but nothing like what you can get down here, and no restaurant is going to have the same quality and taste as a home-cooked meal. By God, he had not realized how much he needed this. It was almost healing, like a part of his soul had been lost and he found it once again. The last week had been incredibly overwhelming, and last Saturday he never foresaw being here now, but he was glad he was, regardless of the looming tension. All the stress from work and life back home in Chicago was now all gone. All he had to worry about was… oh yeah, the family drama. The dreaded interactions, what he had suppressed for so long, that had kept him up at night for years. All those long nights doing homework or anything else beside sleeping. They had not been by choice but rather necessity. He would have slept more if he could, and some of those nights he really needed to, but instead was kept motivated by the pain. The pain of knowing no matter what he did, no matter how successful in life he became, he would never be good enough for his family, good enough for Mama, because he left them.
If there ever was a time to clear his conscience and get everything out of the way, it would be today, or at least over the next couple of days. When else would he have the chance? Not that any of this had been planned, and his therapist would probably advise against it. She did not even know he was here. What would she have to say? Avoiding conflict has always been his choice. He has always been quiet, never been at the center of drama, but some things need to be said. Just, maybe not by him. If he waited long enough, perhaps they would come up on their own. So he decided to wait, but he knew time was limited and he could not wait forever.
“Mama, could you pass the butter?”
Mama just stared back at him. “Get ya own damn buttah, since ya can do everything else on ya own.”
Flinn stands up and reaches for the butter. “I can do everything myself, and I have. I hope you’re proud, Mama.”
“Proud? What do I have to be proud of?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe my job, my degree, everything I have been able to do to build a good life for myself.”
“I don hear anything worthy of praise.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Mama.”
“Oh, so now you’re sorry? You could’ve fooled me. Is that how you felt when you left? Unbelievable.”
“I left because I had no other choice.”
“Oh don go lyin’ to me now. You did have a choice. You had a choice and you chose to leave us. You didn’t say goodbye, and you were just gone in the mornin’.”
“If I had not just left, you would’ve stopped me.”
“Cause you ain’t got no reason to go nowhere.”
“I had plenty of reasons to want to leave, and not because of you. I’ve always had dreams, Mama, ya know that. I’ve always been bigger than just this town.”
“Oh, so now you’re too good for us, city boy? Huh? I don wanna hear no more of it.”
“It wasn’t about that, Mama. Look at all I’ve been able to do.”
“I ain’t see nothin’. You never call and you never visit. How am I supposed to know what you been doin’?”
“I thought you didn’t want me coming around any more?”
“Well, you’ve got that right. Glad to see you still have some brains left.”
“Well excuse me. Maybe it's best if I leave again. Sorry I ain’t make you proud, Mama.” Flinn got up and left the table.
Part 3
Just as the early light began to peak through the blinds, Flinn was woken up by a firm knock at his door. “Flinn, may I come in? It's Uncle Terrence.”
Flinn sat up and rubbed his eyes. “Yep, come in.”
“How are you this morning, kid? Ya know, she’ll never admit it, but ya Mama missed ya.”
“I find it hard to believe.” Deep down Flinn knew it was true, but she was hard as a rock, and arrogant. She would always find a way to be right, even when she knew she was wrong, and she would never let you know she knew she was wrong.
“Well, we’re all proud of you, kid.” Flinn hated when Terrence and everyone called him kid. “Just wish yoo’d come around and see us every once in a while. I know ya busy with all the big city stuff and all.”
“I thought no one wanted anything to do with me any more?”
“At first, maybe, but I miss ya, kid. Ya know who missed ya most of all?”
“Pops?”
“Yes, of course. He always wanted to know about ya, every time I’d come round. He couldn’t call, but always wanted me to.”
“I should have called.”
“I think everyone wanted to call, but as time went on, it became harder and harder to push that button. It was already so hard at first, and only got harder.”
“I thought about everyone a lot, especially at first. Leaving was really hard, and I almost didn’t, but I always wanted more. I didn’t want to spend my whole life in this town, and if I had not left when I did I probably never would have. But it was still hard. I wanted to go home so many times, but I convinced myself no one wanted me here no more or that y’all would’ve said ‘I told ya so’ or sum bullshit. No one wanted me around any more and I had left, so I was stuck on the path I chose. And I’m happy, and I’ve done so much, but it’s never been easy.”
“Pops was a lot like you when he was your age. Set on leaving as quickly as he could. Things were different back then, not that they are any better now, but Hank... my brother… Pops, was just like you.”
“What changed?”
“Well, he never did. Just no one talks about it anymore. After what happened on that day, they blamed his behavior. Said he should’ve played it safe and he’d still have his tongue.”
“No one has ever told me the story.”
“And they won’t. It changed the whole family.”
“But you’ll tell me?”
“Only if you promise not to tell. I don need an earful from ya Mama.”
“I promise.”
“Hank couldn’t be confined to Selma, just like you. He joined the army right out of high school, and after he was done in Lebanon, he didn’t go straight home.”
“Where did he go?”
“Everywhere but here. He used the small amount of money he got from the army and went anywhere that would let him in. Across Europe, parts of Asia, Northern Africa, even parts of South America. Of course, a young black man traveling by himself at the time was challenging, but Hank could hold his own pretty well. He still ran into all sorts of trouble. He spent more nights in jail than he would have liked, but he would have done it all again if he could.”
“What happened when he got back?”
“He was much different, but for the better. He couldn’t wait to get back out there again. He had confidence like I had never seen before. That’s what got him in trouble not too long after.”
“How’d he lose his tongue? I’m guessing that is what changed everything.”
“When he got back, he got involved with a girl, I think her name was Susan. She was the mayor’s daughter. They snuck around for a while. Their relationship was not acceptable, especially to her father. If he found out, Hank would be in a lot of trouble, and of course eventually he did find out. He spent about a month in jail in just awful conditions even for the time. They didn’t have anything to hold him on so eventually they had to let him go. About a week after he got out, he was walking downtown and some guys grabbed him. He took him out to a field and tried to lynch him. Luckily, they failed and he survived, but they took his tongue as a warning. He was never the same after that. All of his confidence was gone, and of course he couldn’t speak no more.”
Flinn did not know how to respond. It all made sense now: why the family so desperately wanted him to stay, why they were so hurt by him leaving, and why they’d feared who he was becoming. They were all traumatized and wanted to protect him. They did not want him to suffer the same fate as Pops.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The funeral itself was fairly uneventful and went nearly as perfectly as expected. The church filled in with hardly any empty seats, tears were shed, and speeches were given. Pops touched the lives of almost everyone he met, and they came to show it. After the service was the reception, and yet again, the food was spectacular. Everyone got along just fine today and there was no more residual drama, at least for now. Today was Pops’ day.
After the reception, the family gathered back at Mama’s house for the reading of the will. Pops did not have many possessions, at least not of monetary value, but what he did have was meaningful in other ways. He was very clear on who he wanted to give off, and handpicked what would be most substantial to each person.
Everyone gathered around much as they did at dinner, and the lawyer began his reading:
I, Hank Gerald, a resident in the City of Selma, County of Dallas, State of Alabama, being of sound mind, not acting under duress or undue influence, and fully understanding the nature and extent of all my property and of this disposition thereof, hereby make, publish, and declare this document to be my Last Will and Testament, and hereby absolutely revoke any and all other wills and amendments previously made by me.
The reading went on for some time as there were many beneficiaries. Flinn began to daydream about what could be left for him. Flinn was not a very sentimental person, so trinkets and heirlooms paid him little interest. Perhaps his car, or maybe money. Something that will be useful to him.
To my dear brother, Terrence, I leave my 1964 Pontiac GTO and all tools and parts associated and necessary with/for the running and upkeep of the vehicle.
The further down the list he went, less was given, but this is to be expected. As the end of the list neared, Flinn began to wonder what would be left for him if anything at all. The will had been in order of age, to this point, so he should be up soon.
To my Granddaughter, Nia,...
Nia? She's younger than me… Flinn thought.
I leave her my grandmother’s locket containing a picture of my Grandfather before he left for the Great War. She looked at it everyday to keep the memory of him alive until he eventually returned to her alive.
How could he skip me? Perhaps I should have called, or never left. Flinn got lost in his own thoughts and barely paid attention to the rest of the will. He and Pops were so close, and he never imagined he would be taken out of the will. But that is my own fault, afterall. I left, and I never even care to call. He died, and I never even said goodbye.
Just as Flinn began to accept the consequences of his actions, they got to the last beneficiary listed in the will:
Finally, to my oldest Grandson, Flinn, who is more and more like me than I ever could have wished to have been, I leave my journal. I hope whenever you need the motivation, you read it to find the meaning you are looking for in life.
Part 4
Flinn sat at his desk unable to focus. It was fairly slow for a Friday, but he still had work to do. After a chaotic weekend back home in Alabama, he was ready to settle back into his monotonous routine. The experience had been healing in some regards, but still left a lot unanswered. What did he mean by finding the meaning in life? Flinn wondered as he flipped through the endless pages of Pops’ journal, all filled with endless recounts, drawings, symbols, and pictures from his travels, just as he had since Monday. The journal consumed his whole attention, and nothing else seemed important enough to focus on. He had even ditched his friends all week which he never does.
He is supposed to meet Raheem for drinks tonight, but now he is wondering if he even wants to go. There is just too much in his head right now. He just wants to be alone. 12:37. The clock is moving too slowly. Flinn clears his calendar for the rest of the day and decides to go home.
At home, he still finds himself flipping through the pages of the journal, not even reading them but just looking at them. Again and again, he flips through until he has enough. He drops the journal on his lap and stares off into the distance at the gorgeous view of Lake Michigan. The endless city and skyline take up most of the horizon until it just stops, cut off by the endless ocean-like lake. He stares at it for quite a while until something catches his eye. He has seen this before. Well, of course he has. He lives here and this is his view everyday. But he knows he has seen it somewhere else.
He picks the journal back up and flips through in a hurry. There it is. He holds the journal up to the window to show a matching two-page drawing of this exact view. Well, not exact. It is a slightly different angle, but it was close enough. Pops was here. He would have loved visiting. I should have invited him. This made Flinn sad, and he threw the journal down on the table in frustration.
Just then, that is when he noticed it. There was a page sticking out from the journal, but it was not like the rest. The page was white and pristine, aside from a few wrinkles, as if it was new, whereas the rest of the journal showed its age. He rushed over to grab it. He opened it to find a letter, addressed to him:
Grandson, When you left, I knew that you would accomplish everything you set out to do. I also knew, however, you would find yourself lost someday, returning home for answers. I was hoping I’d be able to give you those answers myself, but as time goes on that seems less likely. I too found myself lost, and I knew not why. I had gone and seen the world, and it changed me, but I was still not fulfilled. I came home still looking for the answers, and it took a while, but eventually I did find them.
Through this journal, I hope to share my findings so that you too, when you are lost, find the answers you seek. Whenever you are ready, follow my journey and the clues I have left for you. Go out and see the world, just as I did. You will find that what you want from life is less than what you expect.
I hope the experiences you have are less harsh than my own, but still be careful. The world has changed a lot, but still not enough. But don’t skip ahead for the meaning may be lost. Take only one step at a time, and when it comes time to take the next step, it will reveal itself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seven o’clock rolls around and Flinn walks into the bar to meet Raheem. He hasn’t seen Raheem, or anyone else from the group, since last Tuesday when he had his outburst. He begins by telling the story of the events of this last weekend, but leaves out the parts about Pops’ past.
"Pops left me a hidden letter.”
“What do you mean?” asked Raheem.
“Like in his journal, I found a hidden letter. It was addressed to me.”
“What did it say, bro?”
“He says he was a lot like me when he was my age. He wants me to go where he went and learn what he did.”
“In Alabama?”
“No, everywhere but there. He wants me to start in Western Europe and follow his clues around the world.”
“He traveled?”
“A lot, apparently. I never knew. He was in the army, and after he got out, he traveled… everywhere, basically.”
“Why did no one tell you?”
“They wanted to keep me safe, I guess.
"They wanted to keep the whole family safe after what happened to him.”
“What do you mean, bro. What happened?”
“I can’t talk about it, but it doesn’t matter now anyways. I’m living a different life now.” Flinn never shared much about his past or his family with anyone, not even Raheem. It has always been a mystery. This was the most he had ever shared with him.
“Well, are you going to go?”
“No, I can’t. I have work. It took too much to get here. I can’t just give it away.”
“It’ll still be here when you get back, bro.”
“If only it was that simple.”
“It can be. You have money saved up. Chicago isn’t going anywhere. We’re not going anywhere. Plus, you’ve always talked about traveling more. Why don’t you take some time to do it.”
“I suppose, but I like my life here.”
“If you don’t do it now, when will you? You’ve taken a leap before, why not take another one. You’re smart, you’ll land on your feet, bro. Besides, your grandfather thought it was important enough to not only give you his journal, but hide you a letter for you to find when you needed it most. Maybe now is when you needed it most. You’re way too stressed at work anyways, and I can tell you’ve been off for a while now. Perhaps some change could give you what you need.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Monday morning, when Flinn gets to work, he walked straight to his boss's office. He turned in his letter of resignation.
Two weeks later, he took the red line to the blue line to O’Hare. Journal in hand, he boarded a flight to Dublin.
submitted by Nora_Clybourn to shortstories [link] [comments]
Chicago, 2016. Flinn Gerald is doing his best to make it in the city. Born in Selma, Alabama, he has spent his entire life trying to escape the ever tightening grasp of his small town. But alas, he made it out and is adapting to life in the big city. With a big fancy corporate job, an endless supply of friends, an apartment with a stunning view of the lake, and great distance from his family, what more could he need? Well, there is a lot more (or less) that he needs, but of course that is a story for later.
On a typical Tuesday night at a bar, the regulars crowd in. Flinn is late, as usual, as he stayed late at work (again), but on his arrival, the cheers and hugs from all the friends make everyone forget of the regular inconvenience. Conversation ensued, starting with all the boring finance jargon, but as the drinks flowed, so did the conversation, moving away from work and more into life. This is what everyone preferred.
“Another round, anyone?” asked Raheem, enthusiastically. After a murmur of concurrence, he stood up to make his way up to the bar. “Flinn, care to lend a hand?”
Raheem Bartlett was Flinn’s college roommate and the first person he met outside of his hometown. The pair hit it off instantly despite having wildly different backgrounds. Even in their freshman year, the engineer and the finance major would get into all sorts of trouble together, but eventually they leveled out. Six years later, they still have each other’s backs just like day one.
The pair made their way up to the bar and waited to get the bartender's attention. “What's up with you, bro?” asked Raheem. “You’ve been seeming a bit off.”
“Oh, ya know. Work, life, everything kinda happens so fast. Work has been busy as of late, and the hours long.”
Seeming displeased by this answer, Raheem stared back in concern.
“Really, I’m fine… just long hours.”
“Back in school you’d pull back to back all-nighters and then still make it to a morning class. I find it hard to believe that the mighty Flinn would be so setback by ‘long hours’.”
Flinn took a moment to ponder, staring down at the bar covered in various stamps and postcards beneath the epoxy surface. “I guess, ya know, it's not all it was cracked up to be. I guess I had expected more.” Flinn had mostly dropped his accent, but occasionally it would still slip out.
Despite coming from a long line of mill workers (mostly paper) and farm hands who never ventured further than the Dallas county line, Flinn yearned to leave his small town and conquer the world from a young age. Coming from the poorest county in Alabama, his family always squashed his dreams, labeling them as impossible. But Flinn knew better. Or, at least he knew he could do better. Graduating top of his class a year early and winning a full-ride scholarship to Northwestern University, he had proved everyone wrong and set his own path. The path he was told was impossible became his reality.
“More what?”
“Nothing, really. I mean, what more is there? This is what I always wanted, right? The stable job in the city, never having to worry about money. It’s great, and I couldn’t be more grateful, but… something is missing. Doing the same thing day after day staring at a screen, moving clients money around. I… just hoped it would be more fulfilling, especially after all it took to get here.”
Before he could finish his thought, the bartender came up to take their order: another round for the table, plus a round of shots, plus two more shots.
“What am I saying, really?” added Flinn. “I shouldn’t be complaining. Look at where I am now compared to six years ago. So much has changed. My home, friends, even my diet. I just feel a bit off. Like I need something more to do..
“I get it, bro. Adjusting to your new life can be rough. Enjoy it for a minute or two.” Raheem slides a shot in front of Flinn. “Here, take this.”
Tuesday had become fairly consistent to this point for this group of misfits: Raheem and his girlfriend Amy; Jack; Jasper, from Flinn’s firm, and his wife Max; and of course, Flinn. For nearly two years, these six have been meeting at O’Malley’s every Tuesday night for drinks and trivia. Some nights are more wild than others, but Tuesday has become the staple of the week among them.
Drinks flowed pretty regularly and heavy over the next few hours as the clock approached the end of day. Still going round for round on alternating tabs, the useless debates began to heat up.
“You can’t seriously think Wicker Park is the best neighborhood outside the Loop. Y’all need to get out more,” said Flinn.
“Bro it’s obviously Wicker Park,” argued Raheem.” Right on the blue line, getting to O’Hare is insanely easy, plus you can’t find better music in the city. Besides, Wicker Park has Davenport’s.”
“No one ever says Wicker Park,” adds Jack. “Have you ever heard someone say Wicker Park before?”
“Dude, but you can obviously get to O’Hare from anywhere in the city,” said Flinn
“Sure, but beats walking through that dumb Block 37 Center transfer like you and your red line. No transfer is the way to go, plus the blue line gets you right to the center of the loop.”
“So does every other L line as long as ya don’t mind walking a few blocks!”
“You’re both wrong,” adds Max. “Neither matters because Midway is better anyways.”
“Woah!” the whole table murmurs, sharing shocked looks as if she just confessed to a crime. Flinn rolled his eyes at this notion.
“Who flies out of Midway?” asks Raheem.
“What? Less people, cheaper flights, and more space. Why wouldn’t I fly out of Midway?” said Max.
“Wait, wait, that aside,” interrupts Raheem, “can we go back to the fact that Jasper thinks Sheffield is the best neighborhood? I feel like we moved past that too quickly.”
The debate rages on for many more minutes, until Flinn, seemingly out of nowhere, had enough.
“Can y’all just shut the fuck up! Why does it even matter?” Everyone’s glance quickly shot over to Flinn as a deafening silence overtook the table. Everyone pondered how to respond, and couldn’t seem to find an answer. This behavior from Flinn was unexpected, nay, unheard of. Flinn was the most level headed amongst them by far. Not even Raheem, his best friend of six years, had ever seen him get angry, let alone over an inconsequential friendly argument. “I…” Not even Flinn knew what to say next. “I’m going to go home. Long day tomorrow.” Already on his feet, he quickly walked away from the table and out the door.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The walk home was fairly brisk, but Flinn had grown fond of the cold. He tucked his hands into his coat pocket and hunched his shoulders forward, only looking down at the pavement ignoring the mostly asleep but still wide awake city surrounding him. His thoughts ran wild and near out of control. Of course, his intoxication did not help with clarity, but the inner dialogue was deafening. Not even he knew what was bothering him, but he was obviously bothered, deeply. He made a fool of himself in a way he never had before, and right now he felt he did not recognize himself. Surely some sleep will help, right?
He slowly made his way down the steps to the platform, carefully watching each step as to not fall, to wait for his train. He posted up against a pillar and stared off onto the dark, empty tracks. What has gotten into me? He did his best to calm his racing, wasted mind searching for some legibility amongst his thoughts.
Once he finally got home, he slumped down on the couch and scarfed down some week-old sushi he found in the fridge. He turned on some old documentary and was asleep before he knew it.
Suddenly, he was woken up by his phone ringing. It usually does not ring this time of night and was less than thrilled to be woken, so he let it keep ringing. It stopped after a couple of seconds, and he glanced down at the screen:
Mama
(2) missed calls
Dad
(1) missed call
Now concerned, he calls his mom back in a hurry. “Hello?”
“Flinn? Your grandfather, he’s dead.”
Part 2
The wet air engulfed Flinn’s face as he stepped out the airport doors into a warm February day. Six years had passed since he smelled the Alabama air. Even after all this time, it still smells just as he had remembered as if not even a day had passed. The drive to Selma was another ninety minutes, and despite having five days to mentally prepare himself for his arrival, it was not nearly enough time. He had not seen or spoken to anyone from his town, not even family, since he left early that August morning all those years ago. He left everything behind to start his new life. The life so many told him to not start, that he needed to stay. He left anyway and never looked back.
That was, until now. He had little choice in this regard. He knew he would have to make his return someday, but he knew not when nor for what. But today was that day. Flinn and his grandfather (Pops) had always been close. If anyone had been supportive of him, it’d have been Pops, but he was a man of little words. Even when he could talk, he hardly chose to. He was a great listener, and not just because he could not speak. He showed he was engaged and listening no matter what Flinn had to say. At times, he felt Pops was the only one who understood him as if he had been just like him before, but no one would ever talk about his past. All Flinn knew is Pops lost his tongue after a failed lynching.
The familiarity of the scenery zipping past was bittersweet. He had not realized how much he missed the rolling hills and thick forests beneath the unforgiving southern sky. He kept his head pressed against the cool glass of the car window even through the constant bumps in the road. He couldn’t look away. So many memories happened here, and the closer he got, the more plentiful the memories became, and the more potent they were, and the more painful they’d become.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the dust settled behind him, he stood on the driveway staring at his childhood home still unsure how to process his emotions. It was all so overwhelming. He was thinking everything at once. He took a deep breath, rolled back his shoulders, and swallowed. He reached for the door handle, hesitating slightly, and took a step in. One foot, and then the next.
“Martin!” Flinn smiled as his old friend and childhood dog rushed towards him without hesitation. He knelt down and embraced him as Martin excitedly rustled through his arms seemingly showing more energy than he had in years.
He walked down the hall and around the corner into the living room. There, both drawn to the large television like moths to a flame, he saw his parents sitting beside one another on the couch watching some daytime program with their backs to him. They seemed to pay no notice to the commotion at the front door nor the loud creaking footsteps he took along the old wooden floors. They knew he was there; they just chose to ignore him. He walked into view to greet them. "Mama, dad." His father smiled slightly but caught himself and refrained.
Mama kept a straight face, but seemed to be fighting tears."Howard, help Flinn with his bags, dear."
“No, it's alright, I know where to take them,” said Flinn. “How are y’all?”
“Service is tomorrow at eleven down at the ole First Baptist Church. Make sure to wear something nice.”
“Alright, mama. I’ll... I’ll see you at dinner.”
“Whole family is coming tonight. Dinner is served at...”
“At seven, I got it, just as always.”
“It’s good to see you, kid.” said his dad. “Let me know if you need anything”
He did not expect things to go like that, not that he knew what to expect. He had hoped time would have been more forgiving. Perhaps leaving unannounced in the middle of the night was not the best plan, but at the time he felt as if he had no other choice. Everyone knew he was leaving. That was no secret and had not been for years before any plan had actually been set into motion. No one knew the date or time, except for Pops, of course, but he’d never tell. Of course he wanted everyone to know. He wanted everyone to be proud of him, but it was too big of a risk and commendations were too much to expect. Besides, Mama always had her schemes, and had she known, she would have found a way to stop him.
Not much had changed since he’d been here last. The old wood paneling still lined nearly all the walls, crack in some spots, replaced in others, but all coated by decades of cigarette soot. On the walls were a combination of family portraits from over the years and cheap artwork found at the flea market. Old green furniture, too many house plants to count, and a tacky themed kitchen, it was all still the same.
His childhood bedroom, however, was much different. Hardly even recognizable, what was once his bedroom was now a storage room filled with endless shelves and boxes. He set his things on the lonely cot in the corner, sat down, and took it all in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not realizing he had drifted off, Flinn awoke and looked at the clock. 6:55. Convenient. He sat up and brushed his hair down with his hand as he suspected it was sticking up in the usual way. He rubbed his eyes and made his way to the dining room. The whole family was there, probably about twenty people or so, all scattered about throughout the kitchen, dining room, and living room engaged in various conversations. His nana, aunt, and Mama were cooking away putting the final touches on the large meal.
“Well if it isn’t this fucker…” said a familiar voice to his left, laughing. Flinn looked over to see his cousin who’s just a year younger than him.
“DeAndre, how are you?”
“Never thought I’d see you again, even since you left. Thought maybe you ‘ood be dead.”
“Nah,” Flinn laughed. “Still very much alive.”
“I can see dat. Wearin’ your fancy suit and all.”
“Yeah I’ve been doing pretty well. Work has been… good. I have a great job at a finance firm in Chicago. Everything has been… Good. Yeah, good. How about you?”
“Now you ain’t goin’ city on us, are you?”
Flinn laughed. “I think I might already be.”
Just as dinner was finishing up, a line started to form and people found a seat wherever they could, be it at the table, on the couch, near the counter, or outside.
“Flinn!” his dad called out. “I saved ya a seat here at the table, kid.”
Flinn took his seat right next to his dad which positioned him right across from Mama. The table could sit eight, and the seats filled in pretty quickly so he was lucky to get one. Besides his sister, all of the oldest family members took the other four chairs.
The dinner itself was mostly uneventful, except for the food of course which was extraordinary. Flinn had not eaten Mama’s cooking, or anything like it in six years. The southern food in Chicago was alright, but nothing like what you can get down here, and no restaurant is going to have the same quality and taste as a home-cooked meal. By God, he had not realized how much he needed this. It was almost healing, like a part of his soul had been lost and he found it once again. The last week had been incredibly overwhelming, and last Saturday he never foresaw being here now, but he was glad he was, regardless of the looming tension. All the stress from work and life back home in Chicago was now all gone. All he had to worry about was… oh yeah, the family drama. The dreaded interactions, what he had suppressed for so long, that had kept him up at night for years. All those long nights doing homework or anything else beside sleeping. They had not been by choice but rather necessity. He would have slept more if he could, and some of those nights he really needed to, but instead was kept motivated by the pain. The pain of knowing no matter what he did, no matter how successful in life he became, he would never be good enough for his family, good enough for Mama, because he left them.
If there ever was a time to clear his conscience and get everything out of the way, it would be today, or at least over the next couple of days. When else would he have the chance? Not that any of this had been planned, and his therapist would probably advise against it. She did not even know he was here. What would she have to say? Avoiding conflict has always been his choice. He has always been quiet, never been at the center of drama, but some things need to be said. Just, maybe not by him. If he waited long enough, perhaps they would come up on their own. So he decided to wait, but he knew time was limited and he could not wait forever.
“Mama, could you pass the butter?”
Mama just stared back at him. “Get ya own damn buttah, since ya can do everything else on ya own.”
Flinn stands up and reaches for the butter. “I can do everything myself, and I have. I hope you’re proud, Mama.”
“Proud? What do I have to be proud of?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe my job, my degree, everything I have been able to do to build a good life for myself.”
“I don hear anything worthy of praise.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Mama.”
“Oh, so now you’re sorry? You could’ve fooled me. Is that how you felt when you left? Unbelievable.”
“I left because I had no other choice.”
“Oh don go lyin’ to me now. You did have a choice. You had a choice and you chose to leave us. You didn’t say goodbye, and you were just gone in the mornin’.”
“If I had not just left, you would’ve stopped me.”
“Cause you ain’t got no reason to go nowhere.”
“I had plenty of reasons to want to leave, and not because of you. I’ve always had dreams, Mama, ya know that. I’ve always been bigger than just this town.”
“Oh, so now you’re too good for us, city boy? Huh? I don wanna hear no more of it.”
“It wasn’t about that, Mama. Look at all I’ve been able to do.”
“I ain’t see nothin’. You never call and you never visit. How am I supposed to know what you been doin’?”
“I thought you didn’t want me coming around any more?”
“Well, you’ve got that right. Glad to see you still have some brains left.”
“Well excuse me. Maybe it's best if I leave again. Sorry I ain’t make you proud, Mama.” Flinn got up and left the table.
Part 3
Just as the early light began to peak through the blinds, Flinn was woken up by a firm knock at his door. “Flinn, may I come in? It's Uncle Terrence.”
Flinn sat up and rubbed his eyes. “Yep, come in.”
“How are you this morning, kid? Ya know, she’ll never admit it, but ya Mama missed ya.”
“I find it hard to believe.” Deep down Flinn knew it was true, but she was hard as a rock, and arrogant. She would always find a way to be right, even when she knew she was wrong, and she would never let you know she knew she was wrong.
“Well, we’re all proud of you, kid.” Flinn hated when Terrence and everyone called him kid. “Just wish yoo’d come around and see us every once in a while. I know ya busy with all the big city stuff and all.”
“I thought no one wanted anything to do with me any more?”
“At first, maybe, but I miss ya, kid. Ya know who missed ya most of all?”
“Pops?”
“Yes, of course. He always wanted to know about ya, every time I’d come round. He couldn’t call, but always wanted me to.”
“I should have called.”
“I think everyone wanted to call, but as time went on, it became harder and harder to push that button. It was already so hard at first, and only got harder.”
“I thought about everyone a lot, especially at first. Leaving was really hard, and I almost didn’t, but I always wanted more. I didn’t want to spend my whole life in this town, and if I had not left when I did I probably never would have. But it was still hard. I wanted to go home so many times, but I convinced myself no one wanted me here no more or that y’all would’ve said ‘I told ya so’ or sum bullshit. No one wanted me around any more and I had left, so I was stuck on the path I chose. And I’m happy, and I’ve done so much, but it’s never been easy.”
“Pops was a lot like you when he was your age. Set on leaving as quickly as he could. Things were different back then, not that they are any better now, but Hank... my brother… Pops, was just like you.”
“What changed?”
“Well, he never did. Just no one talks about it anymore. After what happened on that day, they blamed his behavior. Said he should’ve played it safe and he’d still have his tongue.”
“No one has ever told me the story.”
“And they won’t. It changed the whole family.”
“But you’ll tell me?”
“Only if you promise not to tell. I don need an earful from ya Mama.”
“I promise.”
“Hank couldn’t be confined to Selma, just like you. He joined the army right out of high school, and after he was done in Lebanon, he didn’t go straight home.”
“Where did he go?”
“Everywhere but here. He used the small amount of money he got from the army and went anywhere that would let him in. Across Europe, parts of Asia, Northern Africa, even parts of South America. Of course, a young black man traveling by himself at the time was challenging, but Hank could hold his own pretty well. He still ran into all sorts of trouble. He spent more nights in jail than he would have liked, but he would have done it all again if he could.”
“What happened when he got back?”
“He was much different, but for the better. He couldn’t wait to get back out there again. He had confidence like I had never seen before. That’s what got him in trouble not too long after.”
“How’d he lose his tongue? I’m guessing that is what changed everything.”
“When he got back, he got involved with a girl, I think her name was Susan. She was the mayor’s daughter. They snuck around for a while. Their relationship was not acceptable, especially to her father. If he found out, Hank would be in a lot of trouble, and of course eventually he did find out. He spent about a month in jail in just awful conditions even for the time. They didn’t have anything to hold him on so eventually they had to let him go. About a week after he got out, he was walking downtown and some guys grabbed him. He took him out to a field and tried to lynch him. Luckily, they failed and he survived, but they took his tongue as a warning. He was never the same after that. All of his confidence was gone, and of course he couldn’t speak no more.”
Flinn did not know how to respond. It all made sense now: why the family so desperately wanted him to stay, why they were so hurt by him leaving, and why they’d feared who he was becoming. They were all traumatized and wanted to protect him. They did not want him to suffer the same fate as Pops.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The funeral itself was fairly uneventful and went nearly as perfectly as expected. The church filled in with hardly any empty seats, tears were shed, and speeches were given. Pops touched the lives of almost everyone he met, and they came to show it. After the service was the reception, and yet again, the food was spectacular. Everyone got along just fine today and there was no more residual drama, at least for now. Today was Pops’ day.
After the reception, the family gathered back at Mama’s house for the reading of the will. Pops did not have many possessions, at least not of monetary value, but what he did have was meaningful in other ways. He was very clear on who he wanted to give off, and handpicked what would be most substantial to each person.
Everyone gathered around much as they did at dinner, and the lawyer began his reading:
I, Hank Gerald, a resident in the City of Selma, County of Dallas, State of Alabama, being of sound mind, not acting under duress or undue influence, and fully understanding the nature and extent of all my property and of this disposition thereof, hereby make, publish, and declare this document to be my Last Will and Testament, and hereby absolutely revoke any and all other wills and amendments previously made by me.
The reading went on for some time as there were many beneficiaries. Flinn began to daydream about what could be left for him. Flinn was not a very sentimental person, so trinkets and heirlooms paid him little interest. Perhaps his car, or maybe money. Something that will be useful to him.
To my dear brother, Terrence, I leave my 1964 Pontiac GTO and all tools and parts associated and necessary with/for the running and upkeep of the vehicle.
The further down the list he went, less was given, but this is to be expected. As the end of the list neared, Flinn began to wonder what would be left for him if anything at all. The will had been in order of age, to this point, so he should be up soon.
To my Granddaughter, Nia,...
Nia? She's younger than me… Flinn thought.
I leave her my grandmother’s locket containing a picture of my Grandfather before he left for the Great War. She looked at it everyday to keep the memory of him alive until he eventually returned to her alive.
How could he skip me? Perhaps I should have called, or never left. Flinn got lost in his own thoughts and barely paid attention to the rest of the will. He and Pops were so close, and he never imagined he would be taken out of the will. But that is my own fault, afterall. I left, and I never even care to call. He died, and I never even said goodbye.
Just as Flinn began to accept the consequences of his actions, they got to the last beneficiary listed in the will:
Finally, to my oldest Grandson, Flinn, who is more and more like me than I ever could have wished to have been, I leave my journal. I hope whenever you need the motivation, you read it to find the meaning you are looking for in life.
Part 4
Flinn sat at his desk unable to focus. It was fairly slow for a Friday, but he still had work to do. After a chaotic weekend back home in Alabama, he was ready to settle back into his monotonous routine. The experience had been healing in some regards, but still left a lot unanswered. What did he mean by finding the meaning in life? Flinn wondered as he flipped through the endless pages of Pops’ journal, all filled with endless recounts, drawings, symbols, and pictures from his travels, just as he had since Monday. The journal consumed his whole attention, and nothing else seemed important enough to focus on. He had even ditched his friends all week which he never does.
He is supposed to meet Raheem for drinks tonight, but now he is wondering if he even wants to go. There is just too much in his head right now. He just wants to be alone. 12:37. The clock is moving too slowly. Flinn clears his calendar for the rest of the day and decides to go home.
At home, he still finds himself flipping through the pages of the journal, not even reading them but just looking at them. Again and again, he flips through until he has enough. He drops the journal on his lap and stares off into the distance at the gorgeous view of Lake Michigan. The endless city and skyline take up most of the horizon until it just stops, cut off by the endless ocean-like lake. He stares at it for quite a while until something catches his eye. He has seen this before. Well, of course he has. He lives here and this is his view everyday. But he knows he has seen it somewhere else.
He picks the journal back up and flips through in a hurry. There it is. He holds the journal up to the window to show a matching two-page drawing of this exact view. Well, not exact. It is a slightly different angle, but it was close enough. Pops was here. He would have loved visiting. I should have invited him. This made Flinn sad, and he threw the journal down on the table in frustration.
Just then, that is when he noticed it. There was a page sticking out from the journal, but it was not like the rest. The page was white and pristine, aside from a few wrinkles, as if it was new, whereas the rest of the journal showed its age. He rushed over to grab it. He opened it to find a letter, addressed to him:
Grandson, When you left, I knew that you would accomplish everything you set out to do. I also knew, however, you would find yourself lost someday, returning home for answers. I was hoping I’d be able to give you those answers myself, but as time goes on that seems less likely. I too found myself lost, and I knew not why. I had gone and seen the world, and it changed me, but I was still not fulfilled. I came home still looking for the answers, and it took a while, but eventually I did find them.
Through this journal, I hope to share my findings so that you too, when you are lost, find the answers you seek. Whenever you are ready, follow my journey and the clues I have left for you. Go out and see the world, just as I did. You will find that what you want from life is less than what you expect.
I hope the experiences you have are less harsh than my own, but still be careful. The world has changed a lot, but still not enough. But don’t skip ahead for the meaning may be lost. Take only one step at a time, and when it comes time to take the next step, it will reveal itself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seven o’clock rolls around and Flinn walks into the bar to meet Raheem. He hasn’t seen Raheem, or anyone else from the group, since last Tuesday when he had his outburst. He begins by telling the story of the events of this last weekend, but leaves out the parts about Pops’ past.
"Pops left me a hidden letter.”
“What do you mean?” asked Raheem.
“Like in his journal, I found a hidden letter. It was addressed to me.”
“What did it say, bro?”
“He says he was a lot like me when he was my age. He wants me to go where he went and learn what he did.”
“In Alabama?”
“No, everywhere but there. He wants me to start in Western Europe and follow his clues around the world.”
“He traveled?”
“A lot, apparently. I never knew. He was in the army, and after he got out, he traveled… everywhere, basically.”
“Why did no one tell you?”
“They wanted to keep me safe, I guess.
"They wanted to keep the whole family safe after what happened to him.”
“What do you mean, bro. What happened?”
“I can’t talk about it, but it doesn’t matter now anyways. I’m living a different life now.” Flinn never shared much about his past or his family with anyone, not even Raheem. It has always been a mystery. This was the most he had ever shared with him.
“Well, are you going to go?”
“No, I can’t. I have work. It took too much to get here. I can’t just give it away.”
“It’ll still be here when you get back, bro.”
“If only it was that simple.”
“It can be. You have money saved up. Chicago isn’t going anywhere. We’re not going anywhere. Plus, you’ve always talked about traveling more. Why don’t you take some time to do it.”
“I suppose, but I like my life here.”
“If you don’t do it now, when will you? You’ve taken a leap before, why not take another one. You’re smart, you’ll land on your feet, bro. Besides, your grandfather thought it was important enough to not only give you his journal, but hide you a letter for you to find when you needed it most. Maybe now is when you needed it most. You’re way too stressed at work anyways, and I can tell you’ve been off for a while now. Perhaps some change could give you what you need.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Monday morning, when Flinn gets to work, he walked straight to his boss's office. He turned in his letter of resignation.
Two weeks later, he took the red line to the blue line to O’Hare. Journal in hand, he boarded a flight to Dublin.
2024.05.15 21:46 SavingsSad2382 Completely failed by the medical system, but sucks to suck I guess I just have to live with the permanent consequences (a rant)
So sorry in advance for the long post. I just need to get this out.
TW for talk of suicide and depression
If you’re my partner and you see this - please don’t read this. I promise you are a wonderful support but I know my venting hurts you because you want to fix things and you can’t.
Edit to add some probably important context: I was misdiagnosed with BPD when I was 19 after a traumatic experience. And while every mental health professional I saw after told me it was wrong and was actually PTSD and CPTSD, it was not actually “officially” diagnosed on record until the hospitalization, at the start of my ADHD assessment. But, the psychiatrist that ordered the assessment is the first doctor to ever bring up ADHD or neurodivergence. Just to demonstrate how many people missed these things over the years, how many “second opinions” I’ve had to get. Not in any way dissimilar to my experience seeking diagnosis for my physical health issues.
I feel such immense grief and rage. I don’t even know where to begin, so I guess I’ll start at the start of this “health journey”. When I was 16, I became incredibly ill. I was vomiting all the time, exhausted to the point of sleeping 14 hours a day from the time I got home from school til just before I had to leave for the bus. I don’t remember much from this time period because of the brain fog and genuinely don’t know how I passed my classes. I was gaining a lot of weight, too, and hadn’t had a menstrual cycle in 6 months, and was so so depressed. My mom ignored the health issues because she thought I was just being dramatic (there is much deeper context with the issues there but it comes down to I am now NC as an adult), but when I said I needed to see a doctor for my depression she did. My then-family doctor was wonderful and listened, and to be safe decided to run some blood tests though I hadn’t described to her my physical symptoms aside from the oversleeping I attributed to depression. I was diagnosed with autoimmune thyroid disease, or Hashimoto’s. I started medication and my symptoms improved though some things, like the weight gain, never reversed.
I ended up going into remission for a time and no longer needed the HRT. But when I was around 20/21, I started having health problems again. I started experiencing numbness and tingling in both my hands and wrists, which I thought was from repetitive movement working as a cashier, though the symptoms only appeared about 6 months into that job and in hindsight it probably isn’t normal to develop that quickly that way. But I ignored it because I didn’t think it was serious as it was “just” carpal tunnel, and began wearing wrist splints regularly. I did not ask my doctor, as during this time I was having difficulties hearing at work and the hearing test I requested came back normal and I was dismissed and I didn’t want to reinforce the belief I have unreasonable worries about non-issues - later, I learned this was actually an auditory processing issue, which was never brought up by any medical professional I saw as a possible cause.
In 2020, when I was 24, I began experiencing the same autoimmune symptoms I had when I was first sick at the age of 16. I fell asleep at work which had never happened before and it worried me. I went to the ER on recommendation of Telehealth, where the doctor didn’t believe my symptoms and ordered just an EKG that came back normal. He told me I didn’t fall asleep/pass out while actively working, and simply “took a nap” and it’s normal. Follow-up with my GP after was unsuccessful, until I pushed for thyroid testing. I was found to no longer be in remission and put back on HRT, and once again my symptoms improved but did not resolve.
At the same time, and for the year or so that followed, I experienced extreme digestive health issues. I had visible yellowing of the skin, very dark under eye circles, issues with itchy and red patches of skin, and was passing undigested food and eventually became obviously malnourished as a result. I had what seemed to be a kidney stone that passed before I could get in for the ultrasound so it couldn’t be confirmed. I alternated between constipation and diarrhea, and always felt pain. My GP told me it was “probably just IBS” and had me do an elimination diet (twice) that did not work. He dismissed my concerns telling me I’m fine, until I sent a novel of my symptoms and saying I know he thinks I’m a hypochondriac but I am unwell and need to be looked at. The liver tests I pushed for came back normal. He offered to test me for Celiac but advised against it due to the cost of the blood test, so I didn’t. He did, however, refer me for a colonoscopy but the pandemic made this severely delayed. During the wait, I found some relief of my symptoms by cutting out gluten and dairy from my diet, and the yellowing of my skin and dark circles went away as did, eventually, the skin patches my doctor insisted was “just eczema”. I was off of gluten for a full year when I had my colonoscopy in fall 2022, the results came back normal and that doctor reiterated that it is “probably just IBS”. I learned later that I should have been consuming gluten for at least 3 months prior in order for it to be an effective test for Celiac, and my doctor failed to tell me this.
In early 2022, the joint pain had become frequent enough and painful enough in the knuckles where my hands meet my fingers, and in my wrists with definite carpal tunnel in both wrists as well, that I went to my GP. However, he is busy, and it’s often easier to book an appt with his assistant who is able to assess many conditions. At this time I also believed he would be more likely to listen and take me seriously. I went to the appt, described the nerve and joint pain issues. I had an exam where he confirmed bilateral carpal tunnel and arthritis in my hands. He said no testing was needed. I pushed back, stating that I am only 25 and there is no normal reason for the inflammation, and I have Hashimoto’s which has very high comorbidity with RA and I was concerned due to the fact the inflammation was symmetrical. I was dismissed, told the only test that could be done is an x-ray which was pointless as all it would do is confirm the presence of arthritis which he already confirmed with the exam. He told me to keep wearing wrist splints, keep taking ibuprofen and acetaminophen for the inflammation and pain, told me taking them was risk-free, and told me to come back when the redness and swelling of my joints got worse. I didn’t feel comfortable going to my GP for fear of being marked further as a problem patient, and assumed he would tell me the same information his assistant had based on my experiences with him and the fact his assistant is his staff that sees many of his patients.
My depression worsened during these years, coming to a head in early 2023 when I attempted. I did not succeed due to a mistake I made, fortunately. I was hospitalized for a time, where I was finally officially diagnosed with PTSD and CPTSD. And for the first time, a doctor asked if I suspected I’m neurodivergent. I was assessed and diagnosed with ADHD, which explained a significant amount of non-health related issues, though it also explained some like my KP and teenage cystic acne as they are common comorbidities. It’s important to note that I have a younger sibling that was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, and I was viewed as the “normal” child and any issues were dismissed as my sibling had higher support needs and was the priority and I was always viewed as simply being overdramatic and wanting attention. I was told the cause of my depression was trauma, including childhood trauma, as well as 26 years of undiagnosed and unmanaged ADHD I had been forced to deal with on my own. I was told I had done the best I could but they were not surprised it reached the point it did, as sadly the mental health system in Ontario is not what it should be and often people do not receive help until they’re long past the point of needing it. And for many, it’s too late. I am fortunate that it wasn’t too late for me, I’m fortunate I survived.
Prior to my stay at the hospital, I had gotten to the point of needing to take ibuprofen daily for the inflammation. When disclosing my medical history and medications, I was asked if I had received a formal diagnosis for my arthritis and what tests had been performed. I told them I had been assessed for and diagnosed with arthritis, but that no tests were performed. It was clear they did not believe me, and I wasn’t provided ibuprofen during my stay. They did not follow-up with my GP regarding the arthritis either, though to be fair I was in the psych ward and non urgent physical ailments were not their concern.
Now we get to 2024. It’s a jump, but I don’t feel anything between is significant. I do not go a day without pain, and havent for 3 months. The pain has now reached every joint in my body, I feel fatigued and foggy, I feel horrible all the time and have had 3 UTIs since February. The last one reached my kidneys rapidly, and coincided with the worst full-body arthritis flare of my life - this was 2 weeks ago. I woke up every 2 hours sobbing in agony because my body and knees in particular were so warm and painful and stiff. For a full day I was unable to get out of bed and ran a low grade fever with chills I assumed were due to the infection but now I’m not so sure. Since then, I have been in constant pain though not as severe as then. My knee and hip pain keep me up at night, and/or wake me up often due to the pain and stiffness. Regardless of my larger joints, my hands and wrists always hurt now. I feel ill in the way I did with my Hashimoto’s. Ibuprofen and acetaminophen aren’t doing anything anymore, and I rely on cannabis for relief which isn’t always suitable. My partner got me a topical ointment that has been incredibly but isn’t affordable enough to be sustainable with how much of it I need in one go, and I need to use it sparingly when I absolutely need it. Despite not feeling that my joints are red and swollen enough to go back (because I see them every day and they look normal because they always look like that), I stuck with my plan to see my GP. I first tried to book in February, but only saw him this week.
I described all the physical symptoms asking about my lower leg/ankle swelling and to have my thyroid levels checked for potential med increase need, and I described my joint issues. He assessed my hands, and told me my knuckles are red and swollen. I’ve realized after in research and really looking at my hands that the top knuckle on one of my fingers has a lump on it, albeit a very small one. He immediately said he is testing me for RA with blood work, and in my research I’ve confirmed the req form is thorough, and also includes urinalysis and an EKG. However he told me for the inflammation marker test to go for it when it’s at its worst, and with my work schedule I can’t, and I’ve waited so long for this I refuse. I’m going for it as soon as I can. I’ve waited so long to be listened to and believed. And as many as half of people with RA test negative on the blood tests so I’ll end up needing imaging tests anyway either way and I want this process to be as fast as possible. Even if it’s not RA, I need them to figure out what’s wrong with me and give me the appropriate treatment. He was alarmed and visibly displeased to hear that I had seen his assistant 2 years ago for an assessment - though I forgot to mention to him that that appointment was also for bilateral carpal tunnel (which I now know is an early sign of RA due to compression of nerves). It wasn’t explicitly stated but it was clear that I should have been tested 2 years ago. And wasn’t.
I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of being sick. I’m just plain tired. I feel so failed by the system that’s supposed to care for us. I’m so frustrated with people insisting that doctors are all-knowing and infallible and if they tell you you’re fine, you are. I’ve been fighting for years to be heard and have only been left to feel like I’m losing my mind and imagining these problems and am just overdramatic after all. I feel vindicated that I was right all along, but it’s too little too late. RA is a progressive disease, and the earlier it’s diagnosed and aggressively treated the better. I’ve had at minimum 2 years of progression that cannot be undone. The damage can’t be reversed. I am angry and devastated. The grief is so f*king immense.
I’m 27. I don’t know what my future looks like anymore and that scares me. I’m worried about the damage this disease has done to my internal organs. I worry having kids is no longer an option for me, due to my health. I worry that my physical capabilities will continue to deteriorate. I am so angry that I’ve been written off as an anxious hypochondriac when I knew something was wrong.
Diagnosis of an autoimmune disease or any illness really, apparently doesn’t negate medical misogyny and ageism. Advocating for yourself doesn’t go anywhere when you’ve been labelled crazy and a problem patient. The most it’s gotten me is my doctor “offering” to send my files if I wanted to switch to a different GP, which I can’t with the GP shortage. I have to live with the lifelong consequences of doctors failing me. And it f*king sucks.
submitted by SavingsSad2382 to ChronicPain [link] [comments]
TW for talk of suicide and depression
If you’re my partner and you see this - please don’t read this. I promise you are a wonderful support but I know my venting hurts you because you want to fix things and you can’t.
Edit to add some probably important context: I was misdiagnosed with BPD when I was 19 after a traumatic experience. And while every mental health professional I saw after told me it was wrong and was actually PTSD and CPTSD, it was not actually “officially” diagnosed on record until the hospitalization, at the start of my ADHD assessment. But, the psychiatrist that ordered the assessment is the first doctor to ever bring up ADHD or neurodivergence. Just to demonstrate how many people missed these things over the years, how many “second opinions” I’ve had to get. Not in any way dissimilar to my experience seeking diagnosis for my physical health issues.
I feel such immense grief and rage. I don’t even know where to begin, so I guess I’ll start at the start of this “health journey”. When I was 16, I became incredibly ill. I was vomiting all the time, exhausted to the point of sleeping 14 hours a day from the time I got home from school til just before I had to leave for the bus. I don’t remember much from this time period because of the brain fog and genuinely don’t know how I passed my classes. I was gaining a lot of weight, too, and hadn’t had a menstrual cycle in 6 months, and was so so depressed. My mom ignored the health issues because she thought I was just being dramatic (there is much deeper context with the issues there but it comes down to I am now NC as an adult), but when I said I needed to see a doctor for my depression she did. My then-family doctor was wonderful and listened, and to be safe decided to run some blood tests though I hadn’t described to her my physical symptoms aside from the oversleeping I attributed to depression. I was diagnosed with autoimmune thyroid disease, or Hashimoto’s. I started medication and my symptoms improved though some things, like the weight gain, never reversed.
I ended up going into remission for a time and no longer needed the HRT. But when I was around 20/21, I started having health problems again. I started experiencing numbness and tingling in both my hands and wrists, which I thought was from repetitive movement working as a cashier, though the symptoms only appeared about 6 months into that job and in hindsight it probably isn’t normal to develop that quickly that way. But I ignored it because I didn’t think it was serious as it was “just” carpal tunnel, and began wearing wrist splints regularly. I did not ask my doctor, as during this time I was having difficulties hearing at work and the hearing test I requested came back normal and I was dismissed and I didn’t want to reinforce the belief I have unreasonable worries about non-issues - later, I learned this was actually an auditory processing issue, which was never brought up by any medical professional I saw as a possible cause.
In 2020, when I was 24, I began experiencing the same autoimmune symptoms I had when I was first sick at the age of 16. I fell asleep at work which had never happened before and it worried me. I went to the ER on recommendation of Telehealth, where the doctor didn’t believe my symptoms and ordered just an EKG that came back normal. He told me I didn’t fall asleep/pass out while actively working, and simply “took a nap” and it’s normal. Follow-up with my GP after was unsuccessful, until I pushed for thyroid testing. I was found to no longer be in remission and put back on HRT, and once again my symptoms improved but did not resolve.
At the same time, and for the year or so that followed, I experienced extreme digestive health issues. I had visible yellowing of the skin, very dark under eye circles, issues with itchy and red patches of skin, and was passing undigested food and eventually became obviously malnourished as a result. I had what seemed to be a kidney stone that passed before I could get in for the ultrasound so it couldn’t be confirmed. I alternated between constipation and diarrhea, and always felt pain. My GP told me it was “probably just IBS” and had me do an elimination diet (twice) that did not work. He dismissed my concerns telling me I’m fine, until I sent a novel of my symptoms and saying I know he thinks I’m a hypochondriac but I am unwell and need to be looked at. The liver tests I pushed for came back normal. He offered to test me for Celiac but advised against it due to the cost of the blood test, so I didn’t. He did, however, refer me for a colonoscopy but the pandemic made this severely delayed. During the wait, I found some relief of my symptoms by cutting out gluten and dairy from my diet, and the yellowing of my skin and dark circles went away as did, eventually, the skin patches my doctor insisted was “just eczema”. I was off of gluten for a full year when I had my colonoscopy in fall 2022, the results came back normal and that doctor reiterated that it is “probably just IBS”. I learned later that I should have been consuming gluten for at least 3 months prior in order for it to be an effective test for Celiac, and my doctor failed to tell me this.
In early 2022, the joint pain had become frequent enough and painful enough in the knuckles where my hands meet my fingers, and in my wrists with definite carpal tunnel in both wrists as well, that I went to my GP. However, he is busy, and it’s often easier to book an appt with his assistant who is able to assess many conditions. At this time I also believed he would be more likely to listen and take me seriously. I went to the appt, described the nerve and joint pain issues. I had an exam where he confirmed bilateral carpal tunnel and arthritis in my hands. He said no testing was needed. I pushed back, stating that I am only 25 and there is no normal reason for the inflammation, and I have Hashimoto’s which has very high comorbidity with RA and I was concerned due to the fact the inflammation was symmetrical. I was dismissed, told the only test that could be done is an x-ray which was pointless as all it would do is confirm the presence of arthritis which he already confirmed with the exam. He told me to keep wearing wrist splints, keep taking ibuprofen and acetaminophen for the inflammation and pain, told me taking them was risk-free, and told me to come back when the redness and swelling of my joints got worse. I didn’t feel comfortable going to my GP for fear of being marked further as a problem patient, and assumed he would tell me the same information his assistant had based on my experiences with him and the fact his assistant is his staff that sees many of his patients.
My depression worsened during these years, coming to a head in early 2023 when I attempted. I did not succeed due to a mistake I made, fortunately. I was hospitalized for a time, where I was finally officially diagnosed with PTSD and CPTSD. And for the first time, a doctor asked if I suspected I’m neurodivergent. I was assessed and diagnosed with ADHD, which explained a significant amount of non-health related issues, though it also explained some like my KP and teenage cystic acne as they are common comorbidities. It’s important to note that I have a younger sibling that was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, and I was viewed as the “normal” child and any issues were dismissed as my sibling had higher support needs and was the priority and I was always viewed as simply being overdramatic and wanting attention. I was told the cause of my depression was trauma, including childhood trauma, as well as 26 years of undiagnosed and unmanaged ADHD I had been forced to deal with on my own. I was told I had done the best I could but they were not surprised it reached the point it did, as sadly the mental health system in Ontario is not what it should be and often people do not receive help until they’re long past the point of needing it. And for many, it’s too late. I am fortunate that it wasn’t too late for me, I’m fortunate I survived.
Prior to my stay at the hospital, I had gotten to the point of needing to take ibuprofen daily for the inflammation. When disclosing my medical history and medications, I was asked if I had received a formal diagnosis for my arthritis and what tests had been performed. I told them I had been assessed for and diagnosed with arthritis, but that no tests were performed. It was clear they did not believe me, and I wasn’t provided ibuprofen during my stay. They did not follow-up with my GP regarding the arthritis either, though to be fair I was in the psych ward and non urgent physical ailments were not their concern.
Now we get to 2024. It’s a jump, but I don’t feel anything between is significant. I do not go a day without pain, and havent for 3 months. The pain has now reached every joint in my body, I feel fatigued and foggy, I feel horrible all the time and have had 3 UTIs since February. The last one reached my kidneys rapidly, and coincided with the worst full-body arthritis flare of my life - this was 2 weeks ago. I woke up every 2 hours sobbing in agony because my body and knees in particular were so warm and painful and stiff. For a full day I was unable to get out of bed and ran a low grade fever with chills I assumed were due to the infection but now I’m not so sure. Since then, I have been in constant pain though not as severe as then. My knee and hip pain keep me up at night, and/or wake me up often due to the pain and stiffness. Regardless of my larger joints, my hands and wrists always hurt now. I feel ill in the way I did with my Hashimoto’s. Ibuprofen and acetaminophen aren’t doing anything anymore, and I rely on cannabis for relief which isn’t always suitable. My partner got me a topical ointment that has been incredibly but isn’t affordable enough to be sustainable with how much of it I need in one go, and I need to use it sparingly when I absolutely need it. Despite not feeling that my joints are red and swollen enough to go back (because I see them every day and they look normal because they always look like that), I stuck with my plan to see my GP. I first tried to book in February, but only saw him this week.
I described all the physical symptoms asking about my lower leg/ankle swelling and to have my thyroid levels checked for potential med increase need, and I described my joint issues. He assessed my hands, and told me my knuckles are red and swollen. I’ve realized after in research and really looking at my hands that the top knuckle on one of my fingers has a lump on it, albeit a very small one. He immediately said he is testing me for RA with blood work, and in my research I’ve confirmed the req form is thorough, and also includes urinalysis and an EKG. However he told me for the inflammation marker test to go for it when it’s at its worst, and with my work schedule I can’t, and I’ve waited so long for this I refuse. I’m going for it as soon as I can. I’ve waited so long to be listened to and believed. And as many as half of people with RA test negative on the blood tests so I’ll end up needing imaging tests anyway either way and I want this process to be as fast as possible. Even if it’s not RA, I need them to figure out what’s wrong with me and give me the appropriate treatment. He was alarmed and visibly displeased to hear that I had seen his assistant 2 years ago for an assessment - though I forgot to mention to him that that appointment was also for bilateral carpal tunnel (which I now know is an early sign of RA due to compression of nerves). It wasn’t explicitly stated but it was clear that I should have been tested 2 years ago. And wasn’t.
I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of being sick. I’m just plain tired. I feel so failed by the system that’s supposed to care for us. I’m so frustrated with people insisting that doctors are all-knowing and infallible and if they tell you you’re fine, you are. I’ve been fighting for years to be heard and have only been left to feel like I’m losing my mind and imagining these problems and am just overdramatic after all. I feel vindicated that I was right all along, but it’s too little too late. RA is a progressive disease, and the earlier it’s diagnosed and aggressively treated the better. I’ve had at minimum 2 years of progression that cannot be undone. The damage can’t be reversed. I am angry and devastated. The grief is so f*king immense.
I’m 27. I don’t know what my future looks like anymore and that scares me. I’m worried about the damage this disease has done to my internal organs. I worry having kids is no longer an option for me, due to my health. I worry that my physical capabilities will continue to deteriorate. I am so angry that I’ve been written off as an anxious hypochondriac when I knew something was wrong.
Diagnosis of an autoimmune disease or any illness really, apparently doesn’t negate medical misogyny and ageism. Advocating for yourself doesn’t go anywhere when you’ve been labelled crazy and a problem patient. The most it’s gotten me is my doctor “offering” to send my files if I wanted to switch to a different GP, which I can’t with the GP shortage. I have to live with the lifelong consequences of doctors failing me. And it f*king sucks.
2024.05.15 19:19 x993231 X From Ihub with a few thoughts See some of you next week
Lol now ihub punk is asking “What is the current sales pipeline for Lightwave Logic's polymer modulators and other products? Can you share any details on the size and timing of potential deals with the 20+ major corporations that have viewed the technology demo?"
"When do you anticipate Lightwave Logic will achieve its first $1 million revenue quarter? What milestones need to be hit to reach that level of quarterly sales?"
"What is the company's plan to become cash flow positive and profitable? When do you expect Lightwave Logic to reach profitability?”
Punkin has come a long way, he used to say that it could never be done, now he keeps falling back, apparently trying to hold the line, lol, now he is asking questions about revenue and dang even invoking God to help humanity as his reason for posting in his credentials. Even if one thinks that they are right that is quite a statement, typically something that a reasonable person keeps to themselves a life's effort is something between them and their creator. I have no idea where this technology will lead or what it will solve, my goal is an investment, certainly not divine, I have no clue in the end who it will truly benefit but the medical thing does have potential.
Today I'm happy with thousands of modulators on a foundry produced wafer. And thousands of modulators from a few ounces of Perkinamine. These modulators Triple the speed, reduce the power and are 1/30 the size of today's modulators. Lebby will fill us in on what we need, he is far more intelligent than anyone on this board.
Read on folks.
Oh and do not forget about those that sold early (or didn’t sell early) that purport to be long and like to consistently complain every single time the price drops. Let me try to explain it this way, this is not a sports game, this is a technology, so unlike sports, points can be literally be taken of the scoreboard by simply borrowing and selling shares (shorts). Remember though that those shares must be purchased back and until then the actual score of the game is not known. So the shorts agenda is to sell it down then try and convince folks to sell them shares at that discounted price. Some longs do not understand that they are helping the shorts at their game. That being said, there are currently 17% more shares sold than exist. They have borrowed those shares and pay interest daily and have sold them to us with the hope of buying them back at a reduced price (Some purported longs even try to help them) apparently, they think that if they complain it will force an NVDA, Microsoft, IBM, Amazon to reach an agreement with Lightwave sooner. Well, it will not change the speed of the adoption of the technology, I’m all for doing a tier1 agreement, but a few quick little agreements could force their hand so the Tier1’s do not have to have to honor those agreements should the company be taken over. Some seam to forget that until now Silicon photonics could keep up, but no more and with AI we just entered a new world, where the pace set by Moore's Law for silicon photonics is leisurely compared to this new demand. AI is totally on a sprint, with its computational power doubling not every two years, but approximately every six months.
Let me look at what the shorts have said over the years basically throwing spaghetti at the wall and have been proven wrong. Patents were filed in 2020, 2021, ALD I think was 2022. Patents were not made public, the shorts were babbling meanwhile Lebby had not only solved it but wrote and submitted patents.
Here are the 10 top B.S. short myths, trying to suppress the stock so they could try and cover I also think that there are a few purported longs that sold prematurely that are now helping to push the shorts game forward, meanwhile with the next deal announcement the dam is about to burst.
I’d love to see Punkin hold a conversation with Lebby one on one for 5 minutes, it would be hilarious,
Shorts and those paid by the shorts to act like they “know something” won't even tell you when they are short, they just say, no not short just here to spend my life 7 days a week helping folks that I have never met. Well, here they are, you tell me guys.
1.) The shorts had worked for months to try and convince investors that Lightwave had a problem poling. Then low and behold Lightwave unveiled 2 patents they submitted years prior solving that issue.
2.) The shorts claimed for years Lightwave could not protect the device in anything other than a gold box, then Lightwave unveiled the ALD patent that they had acquired. Basically, hair spray over the finished chip is all that is needed. The foundries are using the same thing over the electronics side of the chip. Understand that even if someone else invents an EO Polymer Lightwave Owns the Patent on ALD over Polymers. Comprende?
3.) The shorts claimed Lightwaves material was not stable, Wham Bam blown out of the water yet again.
4.) Shorts said that Lightwave could never get this under 1 volt, well Lightwave did, in fact Lightwaves polymer is so sensitive that their modulators can function without the aid of driver to boost the voltage. Basically the electrons in the 1's and 0's rolling off the silicon can embed themselves into the laser using Lightwaves polymer. Oh and by the way, Lightwave also owns the patent on a driverless Polymer Modulator. Even if someone perfects a stable sensitive EO polymer when the want to do direct drive, they have to come knocking on Lightwaves door with cash in hand.
5.) For the 6 months leading up to last years annual shareholder meeting the shorts stated Lightwave could not close a commercial deal all the then like now trying to convince us that the sky was falling and once again Lebby delivered.
6.) For months the shorts said Lightwave could not use anything other than gold on their electrodes, well guess the F what, yup, once again (at the shareholders meeting) Lebby put up a slide of successful foundry runs and when asked by me if the contacts labeled AL on the slide stood for Aluminum Lebby said “yes, we use that any many other materials as well”. I asked about aluminum corrosion, the response was, X (you idiot) that is what the ALD will also protect.
7.) The Shorts were trying to convince longs that the foundry had not made progress on PDK’s, Lebby certainly blew them out of the water on that as well. As info PDK’s are process development kits, it is how the foundries make Lightwaves devices available to the public so when an NVDA’s, Amazon (AWS), Cisco or Fujitsu are designing devices they can check that box and add that to their device in the foundry. 2 weeks ago lebby said the foundries have thousands of modulators per wafer. On question that I need to understand is that with thousands of devices on a wafer how many of those thousands of modulators are affected by the kerf when dicing (sawing or scribing?)
8) The shorts used to say that it couldn’t me done now as you see Pumpkin is asking Yes but “What is the current sales pipeline for Lightwave Logic's polymer modulators? Can you share any details on the size and timing of potential deals with the 20+ major corporations that have viewed the technology demo? When do you anticipate Lightwave Logic will achieve its first $1 million revenue quarter? What milestones need to be hit to reach that level of quarterly sales? What is the company's plan to become cash flow positive and profitable? When do you expect Lightwave Logic to reach profitability?” Lol, Lol and again Lol It sounds like Pumpkin is finally being honest, perhaps it is by divine intervention on his posts
9) As info the institutions now own 26% of the shares, The shorts would have us believe that is irrelevant, wait what?
10) I like this, Ted who also has another ID said that he gets his info from the internet because everything on it is true. When asked why he does not use first-hand information he said that he is not good at reading people, lol and yet he watches every video with baited breath.
I know some do not see it but as evidenced by their latest efforts the shorts are worried and it is obvious that whomever they got their info from was consistently years behind making up issues that had in fact already been solved. I would not want to have been an advisor to the shorts.
Lightwave is finally at the stage where they have the patents in place, moved into additional lab space, hired additional lab personnel for making larger quantities of perkinamine, (a few fluid ounces can make thousands of devices) the new lab will be equipped to test larger quantities of chips coming back from foundries, work on new polymers for additional devices (they even have another polymer available for licensing) produce data sheets, standardize bulk testing, they have even hired a dedicated deal maker, oh also a V.P. dedicated just to working with foundries that are actively running wafers. Now they have added a former Intel deal maker to the board of directors.
Soon this thing will in fact snowball because the industry's "go to" good old silicon photonics has hit the wall it simply cannot run faster. Lightwaves material when added applied to Silicon triples the speed and because it is so sensitive it is 30times smaller and uses 1/10 the power all at a time when AI is pushing the amount of data processed by the data centers through the roof.
~Some of us were wondering why the Lightwave employees were still in town (apparently held over) for an extra 2 days over after the OFC San Frisco meeting, now we see that there were no less than 20 companies that apparently requested an unscheduled impromptu demo on a holiday week (good Friday) after the convention was over. Not only did Lightwave employees not go home but it sounds like a bunch of Tier 1’s and such saw it as important enough to see ASAP. And yes while many on here say that NDA’s do not exist, LOL I’ll bet that not only were NDA’s mandatory but I bet that every demo was “private” by scheduled appointment only and also attended by the various expert employees at Lightwave to get the most bang for the buck.~
Lightwave makes the thing that makes the component better anyone communicating using fiber optics needs it, the entire industry needs it. Think if BASF produces a chemical that makes paint last longer. Why would the paint manufacture tell its competitors what makes their paint so durable. Lightwave is going partner with many and they will simply sell devices that are faster and require less energy, those companies are not going to tell the competition what they do to make that happen. Lightwave will quietly market to the tier1's and they will insist on it in their data centers and devices. The one exception that I see is that if the foundry runs were paid for by Lightwave Logic (vs. say an amazon or facebook etc) Lightwave would do joint public PR of where the industry can order chips with Lightwaves Perkinamine on it (It is called checking the box on the PDK).
The shorting situation will be solved by additional Partnerships and look out when those Partnerships are accompanied by a dividend in a new 3rd party company licensing say the ability to develop the Lidar device market or for the biotech crowd a medical sensing partner, wham short situation solved in short order. Remember that currently they are only talking about Telcom 2km to 10km market but there are so many more.
Currently 1k difference between the buys and sells changed it 1 penny. Folks this is just normal trading without any pressure on the price. This time next week we’ll either be in the lab or in the meeting.
Still trying to digest the effects of T+1 on the shorts especially the foreign exchange rate, Fails To Deliver, Naked shorting etc. it is coming the Tuesday after Memorial Day (Holiday in the U.S., which is the weekend after the Shareholders Meeting), Finra Settlement Date 5/31 which then will mean a trade date of 5/30.
Short Game, Market Maker Game, Institution Game, changing technology
Check it out rainy day so I thought I’d look Punkin “I never said any of those things in that context. I’m just here doing Gods work” https://investorshub.advfn.com/boards/read_msg.aspx?message_id=174419282 That was in reply to JimJet218’s statement. 1. Couldn't be poled. https://investorshub.advfn.com/boards/read_msg.aspx?message_id=169035142&txt2
Getting spanked so far today.
submitted by x993231 to LWLG [link] [comments]
"When do you anticipate Lightwave Logic will achieve its first $1 million revenue quarter? What milestones need to be hit to reach that level of quarterly sales?"
"What is the company's plan to become cash flow positive and profitable? When do you expect Lightwave Logic to reach profitability?”
Punkin has come a long way, he used to say that it could never be done, now he keeps falling back, apparently trying to hold the line, lol, now he is asking questions about revenue and dang even invoking God to help humanity as his reason for posting in his credentials. Even if one thinks that they are right that is quite a statement, typically something that a reasonable person keeps to themselves a life's effort is something between them and their creator. I have no idea where this technology will lead or what it will solve, my goal is an investment, certainly not divine, I have no clue in the end who it will truly benefit but the medical thing does have potential.
Today I'm happy with thousands of modulators on a foundry produced wafer. And thousands of modulators from a few ounces of Perkinamine. These modulators Triple the speed, reduce the power and are 1/30 the size of today's modulators. Lebby will fill us in on what we need, he is far more intelligent than anyone on this board.
Read on folks.
Oh and do not forget about those that sold early (or didn’t sell early) that purport to be long and like to consistently complain every single time the price drops. Let me try to explain it this way, this is not a sports game, this is a technology, so unlike sports, points can be literally be taken of the scoreboard by simply borrowing and selling shares (shorts). Remember though that those shares must be purchased back and until then the actual score of the game is not known. So the shorts agenda is to sell it down then try and convince folks to sell them shares at that discounted price. Some longs do not understand that they are helping the shorts at their game. That being said, there are currently 17% more shares sold than exist. They have borrowed those shares and pay interest daily and have sold them to us with the hope of buying them back at a reduced price (Some purported longs even try to help them) apparently, they think that if they complain it will force an NVDA, Microsoft, IBM, Amazon to reach an agreement with Lightwave sooner. Well, it will not change the speed of the adoption of the technology, I’m all for doing a tier1 agreement, but a few quick little agreements could force their hand so the Tier1’s do not have to have to honor those agreements should the company be taken over. Some seam to forget that until now Silicon photonics could keep up, but no more and with AI we just entered a new world, where the pace set by Moore's Law for silicon photonics is leisurely compared to this new demand. AI is totally on a sprint, with its computational power doubling not every two years, but approximately every six months.
Let me look at what the shorts have said over the years basically throwing spaghetti at the wall and have been proven wrong. Patents were filed in 2020, 2021, ALD I think was 2022. Patents were not made public, the shorts were babbling meanwhile Lebby had not only solved it but wrote and submitted patents.
Here are the 10 top B.S. short myths, trying to suppress the stock so they could try and cover I also think that there are a few purported longs that sold prematurely that are now helping to push the shorts game forward, meanwhile with the next deal announcement the dam is about to burst.
I’d love to see Punkin hold a conversation with Lebby one on one for 5 minutes, it would be hilarious,
Shorts and those paid by the shorts to act like they “know something” won't even tell you when they are short, they just say, no not short just here to spend my life 7 days a week helping folks that I have never met. Well, here they are, you tell me guys.
1.) The shorts had worked for months to try and convince investors that Lightwave had a problem poling. Then low and behold Lightwave unveiled 2 patents they submitted years prior solving that issue.
2.) The shorts claimed for years Lightwave could not protect the device in anything other than a gold box, then Lightwave unveiled the ALD patent that they had acquired. Basically, hair spray over the finished chip is all that is needed. The foundries are using the same thing over the electronics side of the chip. Understand that even if someone else invents an EO Polymer Lightwave Owns the Patent on ALD over Polymers. Comprende?
3.) The shorts claimed Lightwaves material was not stable, Wham Bam blown out of the water yet again.
4.) Shorts said that Lightwave could never get this under 1 volt, well Lightwave did, in fact Lightwaves polymer is so sensitive that their modulators can function without the aid of driver to boost the voltage. Basically the electrons in the 1's and 0's rolling off the silicon can embed themselves into the laser using Lightwaves polymer. Oh and by the way, Lightwave also owns the patent on a driverless Polymer Modulator. Even if someone perfects a stable sensitive EO polymer when the want to do direct drive, they have to come knocking on Lightwaves door with cash in hand.
5.) For the 6 months leading up to last years annual shareholder meeting the shorts stated Lightwave could not close a commercial deal all the then like now trying to convince us that the sky was falling and once again Lebby delivered.
6.) For months the shorts said Lightwave could not use anything other than gold on their electrodes, well guess the F what, yup, once again (at the shareholders meeting) Lebby put up a slide of successful foundry runs and when asked by me if the contacts labeled AL on the slide stood for Aluminum Lebby said “yes, we use that any many other materials as well”. I asked about aluminum corrosion, the response was, X (you idiot) that is what the ALD will also protect.
7.) The Shorts were trying to convince longs that the foundry had not made progress on PDK’s, Lebby certainly blew them out of the water on that as well. As info PDK’s are process development kits, it is how the foundries make Lightwaves devices available to the public so when an NVDA’s, Amazon (AWS), Cisco or Fujitsu are designing devices they can check that box and add that to their device in the foundry. 2 weeks ago lebby said the foundries have thousands of modulators per wafer. On question that I need to understand is that with thousands of devices on a wafer how many of those thousands of modulators are affected by the kerf when dicing (sawing or scribing?)
8) The shorts used to say that it couldn’t me done now as you see Pumpkin is asking Yes but “What is the current sales pipeline for Lightwave Logic's polymer modulators? Can you share any details on the size and timing of potential deals with the 20+ major corporations that have viewed the technology demo? When do you anticipate Lightwave Logic will achieve its first $1 million revenue quarter? What milestones need to be hit to reach that level of quarterly sales? What is the company's plan to become cash flow positive and profitable? When do you expect Lightwave Logic to reach profitability?” Lol, Lol and again Lol It sounds like Pumpkin is finally being honest, perhaps it is by divine intervention on his posts
9) As info the institutions now own 26% of the shares, The shorts would have us believe that is irrelevant, wait what?
10) I like this, Ted who also has another ID said that he gets his info from the internet because everything on it is true. When asked why he does not use first-hand information he said that he is not good at reading people, lol and yet he watches every video with baited breath.
I know some do not see it but as evidenced by their latest efforts the shorts are worried and it is obvious that whomever they got their info from was consistently years behind making up issues that had in fact already been solved. I would not want to have been an advisor to the shorts.
Lightwave is finally at the stage where they have the patents in place, moved into additional lab space, hired additional lab personnel for making larger quantities of perkinamine, (a few fluid ounces can make thousands of devices) the new lab will be equipped to test larger quantities of chips coming back from foundries, work on new polymers for additional devices (they even have another polymer available for licensing) produce data sheets, standardize bulk testing, they have even hired a dedicated deal maker, oh also a V.P. dedicated just to working with foundries that are actively running wafers. Now they have added a former Intel deal maker to the board of directors.
Soon this thing will in fact snowball because the industry's "go to" good old silicon photonics has hit the wall it simply cannot run faster. Lightwaves material when added applied to Silicon triples the speed and because it is so sensitive it is 30times smaller and uses 1/10 the power all at a time when AI is pushing the amount of data processed by the data centers through the roof.
~Some of us were wondering why the Lightwave employees were still in town (apparently held over) for an extra 2 days over after the OFC San Frisco meeting, now we see that there were no less than 20 companies that apparently requested an unscheduled impromptu demo on a holiday week (good Friday) after the convention was over. Not only did Lightwave employees not go home but it sounds like a bunch of Tier 1’s and such saw it as important enough to see ASAP. And yes while many on here say that NDA’s do not exist, LOL I’ll bet that not only were NDA’s mandatory but I bet that every demo was “private” by scheduled appointment only and also attended by the various expert employees at Lightwave to get the most bang for the buck.~
Lightwave makes the thing that makes the component better anyone communicating using fiber optics needs it, the entire industry needs it. Think if BASF produces a chemical that makes paint last longer. Why would the paint manufacture tell its competitors what makes their paint so durable. Lightwave is going partner with many and they will simply sell devices that are faster and require less energy, those companies are not going to tell the competition what they do to make that happen. Lightwave will quietly market to the tier1's and they will insist on it in their data centers and devices. The one exception that I see is that if the foundry runs were paid for by Lightwave Logic (vs. say an amazon or facebook etc) Lightwave would do joint public PR of where the industry can order chips with Lightwaves Perkinamine on it (It is called checking the box on the PDK).
The shorting situation will be solved by additional Partnerships and look out when those Partnerships are accompanied by a dividend in a new 3rd party company licensing say the ability to develop the Lidar device market or for the biotech crowd a medical sensing partner, wham short situation solved in short order. Remember that currently they are only talking about Telcom 2km to 10km market but there are so many more.
Currently 1k difference between the buys and sells changed it 1 penny. Folks this is just normal trading without any pressure on the price. This time next week we’ll either be in the lab or in the meeting.
Still trying to digest the effects of T+1 on the shorts especially the foreign exchange rate, Fails To Deliver, Naked shorting etc. it is coming the Tuesday after Memorial Day (Holiday in the U.S., which is the weekend after the Shareholders Meeting), Finra Settlement Date 5/31 which then will mean a trade date of 5/30.
Short Game, Market Maker Game, Institution Game, changing technology
Check it out rainy day so I thought I’d look Punkin “I never said any of those things in that context. I’m just here doing Gods work” https://investorshub.advfn.com/boards/read_msg.aspx?message_id=174419282 That was in reply to JimJet218’s statement. 1. Couldn't be poled. https://investorshub.advfn.com/boards/read_msg.aspx?message_id=169035142&txt2
- Needed a gold case. https://investorshub.advfn.com/boards/read_msg.aspx?message_id=170733222&txt2
- Would never be less than 1 volt. https://investorshub.advfn.com/boards/read_msg.aspx?message_id=144502197&txt2 Pumpkin claims to be doing “Gods Work”.
Getting spanked so far today.
2024.05.15 18:00 mzito Through-wall sleeve with a Friedrichs extension?
 | tl;dr: I have a through-wall sleeve that appears to have an extension bolted on to it, and I'm trying to get details about it and figure out where to get more and/or whether my new ACs will work with it. submitted by mzito to hvacadvice [link] [comments] Hi there, Apologies in advance for the long post, but I wanted to be as clear as possible. I'm trying to get some advice here on what I've gotten myself info - the previous owners of our place did a huge renovation in ~2006 and replaced all of the through-wall AC units with Wallmaster (I don't know what was there before). Now we have a bunch of ~17 year old wallmasters that work fine and are tolerable, but are loud and vibrate a lot. I saw that Friedrich was now offering ACs with inverter compressors ("Chill Premier Inverter") that can be installed in the wall, you can see the brochure here. The larger models have a through-wall option with the chassis removed. I called Friedrich, they confirmed that the units should fit without any problems, and I ordered a CCV15A10A and a CCV18A30A as a sort of test run to replace two of the biggest offenders. Here's the challenge - for one of the sleeves, the AC slides halfway into the frame no problems, but then it has a hard time progressing, and I'm hesitant to apply too much force and damage the unit if it's simply not going to fit after all. With the sleeve empty, I saw that there appears to be a bolted on extension (mfg by friedrich), you can see pictures of that here: https://preview.redd.it/3w2xaxwd3m0d1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d52094af941c2f485156faa8dc5025f99043d066 There's a manufacturer label that identifies it as a Friedrich (at the top left) but the model number has been rubbed away (of course). The extension is screwed into the existing frame, and it's possible that either the dent at the top or the bent metal grating at the left side of the extension are making it difficult to get further into the sleeve. To complicate things further we discovered that the second sleeve lacks the extension altogether and the unit sticks too far into the room for the structure it is in (longer story about radiator piping). I tried reaching out to Friedrich, but no one has gotten back to me after a few days, and I'm going to call, but I thought someone here might just recognize this configuration and be able to direct me to a part number or specifications somewhere. I don't mind doing the legwork, but I have been unable to find anything specific that extends the sleeve out into the air (there are a number that extend into the room) My questions are:
Thanks in advance, I really appreciate it. |
2024.05.15 17:41 TinkerMinKay Delivery Food Plans
Soooo.....I have NO TIME to shop, let alone look at EVERY SINGLE number on the nutrition label for my newly diagnosed "pudgy" liver. My job and life just doesn't allow it. It stinks! So is there anyone out there that uses pre-made meal delivery services? Specifically one that has a "Mediterranean" diet type options?? (Also looking for a friend who's husband has strict diet restrictions due to Kidney problems.) This getting old stuff, is for the birds! 😝 Thanks everyone!
submitted by TinkerMinKay to FattyLiverNAFLD [link] [comments]
2024.05.15 17:39 SunFlwrPwr Information from Weight Loss Conference
Hello!
Just wanted to post some highlights and stats from the recent conference regarding GLP-1 meds etc. This is general information - most supported by current clinical trials. I cannot verify any of the information as I am not the author. I went to a conference and found a lot of interesting stats so I jotted them down: These include Q & A pages for Dr's to give out to potential patients of zepbound etc. answering potential questions.
Note: Some of these are based on different versions of the meds because it wasn't a conference focused soley on Zepbound. But it gives overall information.
· Usually cause muscle loss with all current meds.
· Eli Lilly and Novo are both trying to figure out oral versions of the medications.
· There is currently a class action lawsuit by roughly 60 ppl regarding GI complications as a result of the medications. (Philadelphia)
Continued weight loss post 12 months – (Ozempic)
18% Weight Regain
26% Some regain
20% Maintained loss
17% Additional Loss
12% Doubled Loss
Zepbound D/C Weight regain study:
473 women, 197 men. Mean age 48 years. Over 70 medical centers in 4 countries
335 received Zepbound, 335 Placebo - Primary outcome is that the mean percent change in weight from weeks 36 to 88.
At week 36 weight reduction was 20.9%
Findings:
At 88 weeks Zepbound loss – 89.5% of participants with Zebound at 88 weeks maintained at least 80% of the weight loss compared with 16.6% placebo.
(This does not include continued weight loss over time after D/C, only at a 88 week marker)
FDA Warnings and Precautions – Zepbound:
· Severe Gastrointestinal Disease
· Acute Kidney Injury
· Acute Gallbladder Disease
· Acute Pancreatitis
· Hypersensitivity Reactions
· Hypoglycemia
· Diabetic Retinopathy Complications in Patients with Type 2 Diabetes
· Suicidal Behavior and ideation
o Serious adverse effects were reported by 5.3-7% of patients taking Zepbound. As opposed to 2.8% in Wegovy group.
General Q&A Answers:
Are Ozempic, Wegovy, Mounjaro, and Saxenda (furthermore “GLP‐1/GIP RA”) controlled substances?
๏ No ๏
Can GLP‐1/GIP RA be obtained without prescription?
๏ No ๏ Is there a generic version of GLP‐1/GIP RA?
๏ No, and not expected until 2031 at the earliest ๏
Is Berberin the same as Ozempic or other GLP‐1/GIP RA?
๏ No, the mechanism of action and biochemical properties are different
๏ Are there patient assistance programs for GLP‐1/GIP RA?
๏ Yes ๏ https://www.novocare.com/psp/PAP.html for Ozempic, Rybelsus and Victoza ๏ https://www.mounjaro.com/savings-resources for Mounjaro ๏
Can I drink alcohol while on Mounjaro (and other GLP‐1/GIP RA)? ๏
You should avoid combining Mounjaro (tirzepatide) and alcohol if you can. Alcohol can potentially worsen Mounjaro’s digestive side effects, such as nausea and vomiting. In rare cases it may aggravate or cause hypoglycemia. ๏
Can GLP‐1/GIP RA reduce my desire to drink and other addictive behaviors? ๏
Research is ongoing. Preliminary results suggest that there may be a desirable effect.
๏ Are compounding pharmacies breaking the law by selling compunded GLP‐1 medications?
๏ No, as there is a current shortage of these drugs. The FDA allows to compound equivalent medications in cases of storage.(* Not legal advice, see a professional if legal opinion is needed).
๏ How long will Ozempic take to work? (similar but specific information is available for other GLP‐1/GIP RA) ๏
When you first start Ozempic, you’ll inject a low dose for the first 4 weeks to help your body get used to the medication. This dose isn’t meant to have a significant effect on your blood glucose (sugar) levels. But some people may start to see some improvements during this time. ๏ It takes about 4 to 5 weeks to reach a steady level of Ozempic in your system. Full effects may not be seen until at least 8 weeks of treatment. If after 2-3 months your A1C isn’t at the target, your provider may increase the dose
What can I expect after I stop taking GLP‐1/GIP RA ? ๏
Most people will regain some or all weight they lost. However, cardiovascular benefits are more durable. ๏
Should I stop Ozempic and other long‐acting GLP‐1/GIP RA before surgery? ๏
Specifically for Ozempic the recommendation is to stop at least 1 week prior to a planned surgery.
๏ How long should I wait after the last dose if I am trying to conceive?
๏ If you want to become pregnant, you may need to stop taking Ozempic at least 2 months before trying to conceive so it is fully excreted. ๏
Can I flush Ozempic or other long‐acting GLP‐1/GIP RA from my body?
๏ No. And if side-effects are affecting you, you cannot remove these medications by “detox”, laxatives or hydration. ๏
Do GLP‐1/GIP RA cause termination of pregnancy or birth defects? ๏
These drugs have NOT been studied extensively during pregnancy in humans, so the potential risks aren’t fully known. But animal studies have shown a higher risk of pregnancy loss and birth defects with some of the GLP-1 drugs. ๏
Do GLP‐1/GIP RA cause depression and/or psychosis? ๏
While prescrbing information for some of these drugs mentions such side effects, they are rare and causal connection has not been established. Warnings about suicidal ideation are included in prescribing information for Saxenda and Wegovy. ๏
Can GLP‐1/GIP RA interfere with oral contrceptives? ๏
Prescribing information for Mounjaro warns that it may reduce the efficacy of oral hormonal contraceptives. Advise patients using oral hormonal contraceptives to switch to a non-oral contraceptive method, or add a barrier method of contraception for 4 weeks after initiation and for 4 weeks after each dose escalation with MOUNJARO. No such warning is provided for Ozempic/Wegovy and Saxenda ๏
Where can I find prescribing information for weight loss GLP‐1/GIP RA? ๏ https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/drugsatfda\_docs/label/2023/215256s007lbl.pdf = Wegovy ๏ https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/drugsatfda\_docs/label/2014/206321orig1s000lbl.pdf = Saxenda ๏ https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/drugsatfda\_docs/label/2022/215866s000lbl.pdf = Mounjaro
Comparison of Clinical Trials:
Zepbound 15mg at 72 weeks
Body weight change overall - -20.9
Ø 5% weight loss – 90.5
Ø 10% weight loss – 83.5
Ø 15% weight loss – 70.6
Ø 20% weight loss – 56.7
Semaglutide 2.4mg at 104 weeks
Body weight change overall – 15.2
5% weight loss – 77.22
10% weight loss – 61.8
15% weight loss – 52.1
Zepbound
Can cause delayed absorption of orally administered medications.
Acetaminophen – Take at least 1 hour before injection
Contraception – take at least 1 hours before injection - findings are possibly indicating a contradiction between Ozempic and contraception - possibly causing 'Ozempic babies' - still under investigation. Unsure if there are clinical studies yet.
Weight Loss Slows Brain Aging = 1% body weight loss was equal to gaining back 8.9 months’ attenuation of brain age.
Attenuation of brain age was significantly associated with improved liver biomarkers, decreased liver fat, and a visceral and deep subcutaneous adipose tissues after 18 months of intervention.
submitted by SunFlwrPwr to Zepbound [link] [comments]
Just wanted to post some highlights and stats from the recent conference regarding GLP-1 meds etc. This is general information - most supported by current clinical trials. I cannot verify any of the information as I am not the author. I went to a conference and found a lot of interesting stats so I jotted them down: These include Q & A pages for Dr's to give out to potential patients of zepbound etc. answering potential questions.
Note: Some of these are based on different versions of the meds because it wasn't a conference focused soley on Zepbound. But it gives overall information.
· Usually cause muscle loss with all current meds.
· Eli Lilly and Novo are both trying to figure out oral versions of the medications.
· There is currently a class action lawsuit by roughly 60 ppl regarding GI complications as a result of the medications. (Philadelphia)
Continued weight loss post 12 months – (Ozempic)
18% Weight Regain
26% Some regain
20% Maintained loss
17% Additional Loss
12% Doubled Loss
Zepbound D/C Weight regain study:
473 women, 197 men. Mean age 48 years. Over 70 medical centers in 4 countries
335 received Zepbound, 335 Placebo - Primary outcome is that the mean percent change in weight from weeks 36 to 88.
At week 36 weight reduction was 20.9%
Findings:
At 88 weeks Zepbound loss – 89.5% of participants with Zebound at 88 weeks maintained at least 80% of the weight loss compared with 16.6% placebo.
(This does not include continued weight loss over time after D/C, only at a 88 week marker)
FDA Warnings and Precautions – Zepbound:
· Severe Gastrointestinal Disease
· Acute Kidney Injury
· Acute Gallbladder Disease
· Acute Pancreatitis
· Hypersensitivity Reactions
· Hypoglycemia
· Diabetic Retinopathy Complications in Patients with Type 2 Diabetes
· Suicidal Behavior and ideation
o Serious adverse effects were reported by 5.3-7% of patients taking Zepbound. As opposed to 2.8% in Wegovy group.
General Q&A Answers:
Are Ozempic, Wegovy, Mounjaro, and Saxenda (furthermore “GLP‐1/GIP RA”) controlled substances?
๏ No ๏
Can GLP‐1/GIP RA be obtained without prescription?
๏ No ๏ Is there a generic version of GLP‐1/GIP RA?
๏ No, and not expected until 2031 at the earliest ๏
Is Berberin the same as Ozempic or other GLP‐1/GIP RA?
๏ No, the mechanism of action and biochemical properties are different
๏ Are there patient assistance programs for GLP‐1/GIP RA?
๏ Yes ๏ https://www.novocare.com/psp/PAP.html for Ozempic, Rybelsus and Victoza ๏ https://www.mounjaro.com/savings-resources for Mounjaro ๏
Can I drink alcohol while on Mounjaro (and other GLP‐1/GIP RA)? ๏
You should avoid combining Mounjaro (tirzepatide) and alcohol if you can. Alcohol can potentially worsen Mounjaro’s digestive side effects, such as nausea and vomiting. In rare cases it may aggravate or cause hypoglycemia. ๏
Can GLP‐1/GIP RA reduce my desire to drink and other addictive behaviors? ๏
Research is ongoing. Preliminary results suggest that there may be a desirable effect.
๏ Are compounding pharmacies breaking the law by selling compunded GLP‐1 medications?
๏ No, as there is a current shortage of these drugs. The FDA allows to compound equivalent medications in cases of storage.(* Not legal advice, see a professional if legal opinion is needed).
๏ How long will Ozempic take to work? (similar but specific information is available for other GLP‐1/GIP RA) ๏
When you first start Ozempic, you’ll inject a low dose for the first 4 weeks to help your body get used to the medication. This dose isn’t meant to have a significant effect on your blood glucose (sugar) levels. But some people may start to see some improvements during this time. ๏ It takes about 4 to 5 weeks to reach a steady level of Ozempic in your system. Full effects may not be seen until at least 8 weeks of treatment. If after 2-3 months your A1C isn’t at the target, your provider may increase the dose
What can I expect after I stop taking GLP‐1/GIP RA ? ๏
Most people will regain some or all weight they lost. However, cardiovascular benefits are more durable. ๏
Should I stop Ozempic and other long‐acting GLP‐1/GIP RA before surgery? ๏
Specifically for Ozempic the recommendation is to stop at least 1 week prior to a planned surgery.
๏ How long should I wait after the last dose if I am trying to conceive?
๏ If you want to become pregnant, you may need to stop taking Ozempic at least 2 months before trying to conceive so it is fully excreted. ๏
Can I flush Ozempic or other long‐acting GLP‐1/GIP RA from my body?
๏ No. And if side-effects are affecting you, you cannot remove these medications by “detox”, laxatives or hydration. ๏
Do GLP‐1/GIP RA cause termination of pregnancy or birth defects? ๏
These drugs have NOT been studied extensively during pregnancy in humans, so the potential risks aren’t fully known. But animal studies have shown a higher risk of pregnancy loss and birth defects with some of the GLP-1 drugs. ๏
Do GLP‐1/GIP RA cause depression and/or psychosis? ๏
While prescrbing information for some of these drugs mentions such side effects, they are rare and causal connection has not been established. Warnings about suicidal ideation are included in prescribing information for Saxenda and Wegovy. ๏
Can GLP‐1/GIP RA interfere with oral contrceptives? ๏
Prescribing information for Mounjaro warns that it may reduce the efficacy of oral hormonal contraceptives. Advise patients using oral hormonal contraceptives to switch to a non-oral contraceptive method, or add a barrier method of contraception for 4 weeks after initiation and for 4 weeks after each dose escalation with MOUNJARO. No such warning is provided for Ozempic/Wegovy and Saxenda ๏
Where can I find prescribing information for weight loss GLP‐1/GIP RA? ๏ https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/drugsatfda\_docs/label/2023/215256s007lbl.pdf = Wegovy ๏ https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/drugsatfda\_docs/label/2014/206321orig1s000lbl.pdf = Saxenda ๏ https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/drugsatfda\_docs/label/2022/215866s000lbl.pdf = Mounjaro
Comparison of Clinical Trials:
Zepbound 15mg at 72 weeks
Body weight change overall - -20.9
Ø 5% weight loss – 90.5
Ø 10% weight loss – 83.5
Ø 15% weight loss – 70.6
Ø 20% weight loss – 56.7
Semaglutide 2.4mg at 104 weeks
Body weight change overall – 15.2
5% weight loss – 77.22
10% weight loss – 61.8
15% weight loss – 52.1
Zepbound
Can cause delayed absorption of orally administered medications.
Acetaminophen – Take at least 1 hour before injection
Contraception – take at least 1 hours before injection - findings are possibly indicating a contradiction between Ozempic and contraception - possibly causing 'Ozempic babies' - still under investigation. Unsure if there are clinical studies yet.
Weight Loss Slows Brain Aging = 1% body weight loss was equal to gaining back 8.9 months’ attenuation of brain age.
Attenuation of brain age was significantly associated with improved liver biomarkers, decreased liver fat, and a visceral and deep subcutaneous adipose tissues after 18 months of intervention.
2024.05.15 16:05 healthmedicinet Health Daily News May 14 2024
DAY: MAY 14, 2024
- 5-14-2024CAN EATING OR DRINKING CAFFEINE BEFORE BED IMPACT YOUR HEALTH? Having a lot of food in your stomach before bed can redirect blood flow to your gut to digest the food, meaning there is less blood flow going to your brain. You need that blood flow to your brain to make sure you go into the different sleep stages. If you have caffeine in your system or are sensitive to it, the time to fall asleep can double. Caffeine has a half-life of up to 4.5 hours, so a safe bet is to avoid caffeine after noon.
- 5-14-2024RESEARCHERS DETECT HIDDEN INGREDIENTS AND QUESTIONABLE CLAIMS IN SUPPLEMENTS some supplement companies may mislead customers with unproven health claims and undeclared ingredients. The researchers focused on supplements that have been associated with the purported treatment or prevention of COVID-19 and other respiratory illnesses. During the pandemic, the use of dietary supplements skyrocketed throughout the world. “There was a big spike in purchase and use of these types
- 5-14-2024TEXT MESSAGES WITH FINANCIAL INCENTIVES CAN HELP MEN WHO ARE LIVING WITH OBESITY LOSE WEIGHT, UK STUDY FINDS text messages with financial incentives can help men who are living with obesity lose weight and could be a valuable alternative to traditional weight management programs. Men who were offered cash for hitting weight loss targets lost more weight than those not given a financial incentive,
- 5-14-2024EXERCISE BENEFITS THE BRAIN, BUT IMPROVING ITS BLOOD VESSELS MAY TAKE LONGER People with less consistent brain blood flow patterns may be at greater risk of dementia and cerebrovascular disease. To explore whether regular aerobic exercise can help, researchers at Iowa State University have conducted a pilot study, the results of which were recently published in the Journal of Applied Physiology. “The big take-away is that exercise is good for the arteries and brain, but its effects are complex and takes time to accumulate benefits
- 5-14-2024SOCIAL ONLINE TRAINING CAN HELP AGAINST LONELINESS AND DEPRESSION a ten-week, partner-based mental online training program boosted resilience, empathy and compassion, and deepened social connections. At the same time, these short daily, app-based practices done with another person, so-called Dyads, decreased loneliness, depression, anxiety and a negative outlook
- 5-14-2024TECH ALONE CAN’T REPLACE HUMAN COACHES IN OBESITY TREATMENT, STUDY FINDS technology alone can’t replace the human touch to produce meaningful weight loss in obesity treatment. The study, titled “An Adaptive Behavioral Intervention for Weight Loss Management: A Noninferiority Randomized Clinical Trial,” . “Giving people technology alone for the initial phase of obesity treatment produces unacceptably worse weight loss than giving them treatment that combines technology with a human coach
- 5-14-2024ULTRASOUND CAN HELP PATIENTS WITH A TYPE OF RHEUMATIC DISEASE LEAD LONGER AND HEALTHIER LIVES ultrasound can help patients with a type of rheumatic disease to live longer and healthier lives. These patients have so far had an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, which contributes to premature death. Patients with a type of rheumatic disease called radiographic axial spondyloarthritis, a disease that causes changes in the bones in the pelvis and spine, have poorer health quality of life than control subjects.
- 5-14-2024SCIENTISTS FIND REPEATED, SMALL HITS TO HEAD IN FOOTBALL PLAYERS CAN DAMAGE BLOOD VESSELS IN THE BRAIN The work involved specialized helmets that were used to monitor head impacts in 60 university football players. Credit: Dalhousie University Repeated blows to the heads of football players can damage the small blood vessels of the brain, according to research by Dalhousie University scientists from the Brain Repair Center who believe this damage may contribute to brain dysfunction in some athletes years after play has ended. The neuroscientists found that the brain’s blood vessels can get damaged by a succession of small hits
- 5-14-2024‘MICROPREEMIE’ BABY WHO WEIGHED JUST OVER 1 POUND AT BIRTH GOES HOME FROM ILLINOIS HOSPITAL Nyla was born at just 22 weeks weighing 1 pound and 1 ounce, making her what’s known as a “micropreemie.” She left Silver Cross Hospital on Monday weighing a healthy 10 pounds, and was taken home by her first-time parents
- 5-14-2024RESEARCHERS INVESTIGATE IF PHARMACOLOGICAL TREATMENT OF ADHD REDUCES CRIMINALITY pharmacological treatment of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) reduced violence- and public-order related crimes. However, it did not reduce other types of crimes, among patients with ADHD in early to late adolescence considered to be in the gray zone (or on the margin) for such treatment.
- 5-14-2024A NEW DRUG SHOWS POTENTIAL BENEFITS IN THE RECOVERY OF PATIENTS AFTER A HEART ATTACK beneficial effects of the novel drug Sacubitril/Valsartan in the management of myocardial infarction (MI). The research offers new insights into the drug’s ability to reduce inflammation, cardiac fibrosis, and prevent dangerous heart arrhythmias post-MI. Cardiovascular diseases, especially MI,
- 5-14-2024STUDY EXPLORES ROLE OF EPIGENETICS, ENVIRONMENT IN DIFFERING ALZHEIMER’S RISK BETWEEN BLACK AND WHITE COMMUNITIES environmentally caused alterations to specific areas of the genome—known as imprint control regions—during early development may contribute to the risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease, and that Black people may be more affected than white people. The work adds to our understanding of the ways in which environmental factors can contribute to genetic alterations and disease susceptibility.
- 5-14-2024NEW AI TOOL IMPROVES RISK ASSESSMENT FOR HEART FAILURE CARE researchers have developed a powerful new risk assessment tool for predicting outcomes in heart failure patients. The researchers have made the tool publicly available for free to clinicians. The new tool improves on existing risk assessment tools for heart failure by harnessing the power of machine learning (ML) and artificial intelligence (AI) to determine patient-specific risks of developing unfavorable outcomes with heart failure.
- 5-14-2024FAR FROM TOXIC, LACTATE RIVALS GLUCOSE AS BODY’S MAJOR FUEL AFTER A CARBOHYDRATE MEAL A volunteer is monitored after being given a large dose of glucose to determine how well people switch from fat to carbohydrate metabolism as they age. In the tests at UC Berkeley, subjects had their blood monitored for labeled lactate and glucose, underwent periodic blood sampling, and had their breath monitored for oxygen and carbon dioxide.
- 5-14-2024STUDY EXPLORES WHAT MOTIVATES PRESCHOOLERS TO PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE Adults find it particularly easy to prepare for the future when they imagine how they will feel. Researchers at Ruhr University Bochum, Germany, have investigated whether this is also the case with preschoolers. The researchers conducted the study at the intersection of philosophy and psychology. They described their findings in the journal Emotion. Rehearsing for a school play, getting a present for a friend’s birthday and packing a book for a long car journey:
- 5-14-2024NEWLY IDENTIFIED PET BIOMARKER PREDICTS SUCCESS OF IMMUNE CHECKPOINT BLOCKADE THERAPY The protein galectin-1 (Gal-1) has been identified as a new PET imaging biomarker for immune checkpoint blockade (ICB) therapy, allowing physicians to predict the tumor responses before beginning treatment. Information garnered from Gal-1 PET imaging could also be used to facilitate patient stratification and optimize immunotherapy, enabling targeted interventions and improving patient outcomes. This research was published in the May issue of The Journal of Nuclear Medicine. Immunotherapies, such as ICB
- 5-14-2024RESEARCH LINKS SLEEP APNEA SEVERITY DURING REM STAGE TO VERBAL MEMORY DECLINE
- 5-14-2024SEVERE OBESITY IN CHILDHOOD CAN HALVE LIFE EXPECTANCY, GLOBAL MODELING STUDY FINDS
- 5-14-2024COEXISTENCE OF PSORIATIC ARTHRITIS, ATOPIC DERMATITIS MAY OFFER TREATMENT INSIGHTS
- 5-14-2024MEN WITH LOW TESTOSTERONE LEVELS MAY BE AT INCREASED RISK OF DYING PREMATURELY
- 5-14-2024CONGENITAL ANOMALIES FOUND TO BE TEN TIMES MORE FREQUENT IN CHILDREN WITH NEURODEVELOPMENTAL DISORDERS
- 5-14-2024RESEARCHERS REVEAL HOW LIPOPOLYSACCHARIDE BINDING PROTEIN RESISTS HEPATIC OXIDATIVE STRESS
- 5-14-2024STEM CELLS PROVIDE NEW INSIGHT INTO GENETIC PATHWAY OF CHILDHOOD CANCER
- 5-14-2024SAN FRANCISCO SET TO BAN ‘FOREVER CHEMICALS’ IN FIREFIGHTER GEAR
- 5-14-2024AN NRL PLAYER DIED AT TRAINING DUE TO EXERTIONAL HEAT STROKE. WHAT IS IT AND WHAT SHOULD COACHES AND ATHLETES KNOW?
- 5-14-2024FIVE CHARTS ON THE GLOBAL SUCCESS OF VACCINES
- 5-14-2024KIDS LIVING NEAR COLORADO AIRPORTS HAVE SLIGHTLY ELEVATED LEVELS OF LEAD IN THEIR BLOOD, NEW STUDY FINDS
- 5-14-2024STUDY SHOWS VIRUS THAT CAUSES COVID-19 CAN PENETRATE BLOOD-RETINAL-BARRIER AND COULD DAMAGE VISION
- 5-14-2024HOW BIG FOOD COMPANIES CAN DO MORE TO CREATE HEALTHIER FOOD ENVIRONMENTS
- 5-14-2024PROMISING NEW STUDY COULD LEAD TO A REDUCTION IN SYMPTOMS OF AMYOTROPHIC LATERAL SCLEROSIS
- 5-14-2024PELVIC HEALTH PROBLEMS ARE A COMMON EXPERIENCE FOR WOMEN—WHY MANY DON’T GET THE HELP THEY NEED
- 5-14-2024NEW RESEARCH PRESENTS ‘MINI-BRAINS’ THAT COULD ADVANCE ALZHEIMER’S TREATMENT
- 5-14-2024STUDY SHOWS HOW EXCESSIVE DRINKING AFFECTS OTHERS
- 5-14-2024NEW TRANSIT STATION IN JAPAN SIGNIFICANTLY REDUCES CUMULATIVE HEALTH EXPENDITURES
- 5-14-2024BINGE DRINKING IS A GROWING PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS—HOW RESEARCH ON ALCOHOL USE DISORDER HAS SHIFTED
- 5-14-2024WHAT I’VE LEARNED FROM INTERVIEWING HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WHO HARM THEMSELVES
- 5-14-2024STUDY REVEALS RACIAL DISPARITIES IN DIAGNOSIS AND DRUG USE FOR DEMENTIA SYMPTOMS
- 5-14-2024PEOPLE WITHOUT AN INNER VOICE HAVE POORER VERBAL MEMORY, FINDS STUDY
- 5-14-2024CONCUSSION EXPERTS WARN TERM USED TO DESCRIBE HEAD IMPACTS—’SUBCONCUSSION’—IS MISLEADING AND DANGEROUS
- 5-14-2024STUDY UNCOVERS PROTEIN INTERACTIONS AS A POTENTIAL PATH FOR ALS CURE
- 5-14-2024HOW BITTER FOOD CONSTITUENTS INFLUENCE GASTRIC ACID PRODUCTION
- 5-14-2024ADIPOSITY IN CHILDHOOD AFFECTS THE RISK OF BREAST CANCER BY CHANGING BREAST TISSUE COMPOSITION, STUDY SUGGESTS
- 5-14-2024COLD PLUNGING MIGHT HELP HEART HEALTH, RESEARCH SUGGESTS
- 5-14-2024STUDY EXPLORES POTENTIAL TARGET TO TREAT LIVER DISEASE
- 5-14-2024THROUGH TRADITION AND TRADE, TRIBE IN RURAL KANSAS WORKS TO RECLAIM ITS FOOD SOVEREIGNTY
- 5-14-2024UK SAYS PROPOSED PANDEMIC TREATY ‘NOT ACCEPTABLE’
- 5-14-2024BODY-WIDE MOLECULAR MAP EXPLAINS WHY EXERCISE IS SO GOOD FOR YOU
- 5-14-2024FIRST STUDY TO GLOBALLY MAP HEAT-WAVE-RELATED MORTALITY FINDS 153,000+ DEATHS ASSOCIATED WITH HEAT WAVES
- 5-14-2024EARLY DIAGNOSIS, TREATMENT OF PERIPHERAL ARTERY DISEASE ESSENTIAL TO IMPROVE OUTCOMES, REDUCE AMPUTATION RISK
- 5-14-2024ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE TOOL DETECTS SEX-RELATED DIFFERENCES IN BRAIN STRUCTURE
- 5-14-2024OVER 20,000 PEOPLE JOIN UK SEARCH FOR NEW DEMENTIA TREATMENTS
- 5-14-2024A MINIMAL COGNITIVE ARCHITECTURE REPRODUCES CONTROL OF HUMAN DECISION-MAKING PROCESSES
- 5-14-2024SCIENTISTS DEMYSTIFY WHY SUBSEQUENT BOUTS OF DENGUE ARE WORSE THAN A FIRST-TIME INFECTION
- 5-14-2024BRAIN–COMPUTER INTERFACE EXPERIMENTS FIRST TO DECODE WORDS ‘SPOKEN’ ENTIRELY IN THE BRAIN IN REAL TIME
- 5-14-2024MACHINE LEARNING SHEDS LIGHT ON GENE TRANSCRIPTION
- 5-14-2024WILL AI REPLACE DOCTORS WHO READ X-RAYS, OR JUST MAKE THEM BETTER THAN EVER?
- 5-14-2024SURVEY FINDS 8,000 WOMEN A MONTH GOT ABORTION PILLS DESPITE THEIR STATES’ BANS OR RESTRICTIONS
- 5-14-2024SCIENTISTS DISCOVER SURPRISING DETAILS ABOUT XYLAZINE IN COMBINATION WITH FENTANYL
- 5-14-2024NEW RESEARCH CHALLENGES WIDESPREAD BELIEFS ABOUT WHY WE’RE ATTRACTED TO CERTAIN VOICES
- 5-14-2024ADDING CARDIOVASCULAR BIOMARKERS TO ESTABLISHED RISK FACTORS INCREASES RISK PREDICTION
- 5-14-2024DREAMING IS LINKED TO IMPROVED MEMORY CONSOLIDATION AND EMOTION REGULATION
- 5-14-2024STUDY IDENTIFIES GENETIC LINK BETWEEN INFLAMMATORY BOWEL DISEASE AND PARKINSON’S DISEASE
- 5-14-2024PHYSICIANS WITH DISABILITIES MAY EXPERIENCE DEPERSONALIZATION
- 5-14-2024ANALYSIS SUGGESTS PEOPLE WITH MORE COPIES OF RIBOSOMAL DNA HAVE HIGHER RISKS OF DEVELOPING DISEASE
- 5-14-2024STUDY IDENTIFIES FACTORS ASSOCIATED WITH HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE RETINOPATHY
- 5-14-2024STUDY REVEALS MIXED PUBLIC OPINION ON POLYGENIC EMBRYO SCREENING FOR IVF
- 5-14-2024‘MUSIC MAP’ REVEALS SOME BRAIN CELLS AGE FASTER AND ARE MORE PREVALENT IN ALZHEIMER’S
- 5-14-2024STUDY FINDS SOME CHILDREN WERE PRESCRIBED NONRECOMMENDED MEDS FOR COVID-19
- 5-14-2024COULD BEING ONLINE ACTUALLY BE GOOD FOR YOU? NEW STUDY REVEALS A SURPRISING FINDING
- 5-14-2024NEW RESEARCH IDENTIFIES A LARGER POOL OF GENES INVOLVED IN AGE-RELATED BLOOD CELL MUTATIONS THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT
- 5-14-2024NEW DRUG MAKES EXERCISE, EVERYDAY TASKS EASIER FOR PEOPLE WITH COMMON HEART CONDITION
- 5-14-2024BREAST CANCER RISK VARIANTS IDENTIFIED FOR WOMEN OF AFRICAN ANCESTRY
- 5-14-2024NEW RESEARCH SHEDS LIGHT ON WHY COLLEGE STUDENTS IN MEXICO CHOOSE TO VAPE
- 5-14-2024NEW STUDY SHOWS RECOVERY POTENTIAL IN PATIENTS WITH TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY
- 5-14-2024AI AIDS ANALYSIS OF LIFETIME ENVIRONMENTAL EXPOSURES
- 5-14-2024NEW RESEARCH REVEALS URGENT NEED FOR INTEGRATED CARE IN PEDIATRIC EPILEPSY
- 5-14-2024HERPES CURE WITH GENE EDITING MAKES PROGRESS IN LABORATORY STUDIES
- 5-14-2024PATIENTS WITH NEUROLOGICAL DISEASE ARE LIKELIER TO DIE AFTER COVID, FINDS STUDY
- 5-14-2024RESEARCHERS PARTNER WITH CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL ON NEW HEART SURGERY PLANNING TOOL
- 5-14-2024AXONS IN FEMALE MAMMAL BRAINS MAY BE MORE PRONE TO CONCUSSIONS
- 5-14-2024STUDY SUPPORTS LOWER BMI THRESHOLD FOR OBESITY IN THOSE OVER AGE 40
- 5-14-2024FDA DISCUSSING BAN OF FORMALDEHYDE IN HAIR STRAIGHTENERS
- 5-14-2024NEW TOOL ALLOWS FOR GENE SUPPRESSION IN MOUSE HEART MUSCLE CELLS USING CRISPRI
- 5-14-2024NEW GENE THERAPY MODEL OFFERS HOPE FOR X-LINKED SIDEROBLASTIC ANEMIA TREATMENT
- 5-14-2024GIVING LESSONS TO YOUR TEENAGE SELF COULD BOOST YOUR WELL-BEING, SAY RESEARCHERS
- 5-14-2024STUDY FINDS AGE-ASSOCIATED GENE EXPRESSION CHANGES IN MOUSE SWEAT GLANDS
- 5-14-2024INJECTABLE HIV MEDICATION IS SUPERIOR TO ORAL MEDICATION FOR PATIENTS WHO FREQUENTLY MISS DOSES, STUDY FINDS
- 5-14-2024NEW CRYOPRESERVATION PROCEDURE ESTABLISHED TO PRESERVE FERTILITY BEFORE CANCER TREATMENT
- 5-14-2024BRUXISM IS A RECURRING CONDITION AMONG PEOPLE WITH POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, FINDS STUDY
2024.05.15 14:17 not_neccesarily An Eternity Ago, I Fell Through a Wall and into The Limbo
I'm walking through a bustling underground train station. I push and shove my way through all the other commuters onto the platform. As I look around, there seems to be endless rows of platforms in both directions, stretching well into a dense fog. Further ahead, neat lines of railway tracks extend out from the fog and through the platforms. I instinctually look up at the info screen
Next train in ### minutes
I furrow my brow, squint to try and focus on the numbers but they're heavily pixelated and illegible. I look around at the other commuters, who stream onto the platform completely unaware of the anomaly. Most people are on their phone, or wearing headphones while some are talking to each other. No one seems to notice the malfunction with the screen.
That's when the absurdity of the situation clicks for me. Endless platforms, a wall of fog, unreadable numbers and people that don't care. It's all a dream. I bring my hand up to my face and pinch my nose, trying to breathe through it. An old reality check I remembered from back when I was trying to learn to lucid dream.
My heart rate jumped when I realised, that I couldn't breathe through my nose. Before I could even process this, another problem presented itself. I didn't know why I was here. I didn't know where I was going and I definitely did not know how I even got here. It seems as if reality ceased to exist right before I walked onto this platform. Just like it typically feels in a dream, you spawn in out of nowhere and don't really know what happened prior - except this wasn't a dream.
I knew I was sure of it because deep inside my bones I felt this anxious urgent message. I need to catch this train. It was a primal feeling.
At this point, my head is spinning and I need to sit down somewhere. I choose a silver bench with a middle aged woman sitting on it. She shuffles further to the left as I sit down next to her clutching my head and racking my brain to try and figure out what it is happening. This is what amnesia feels like, I thought to my self as I gnawed at scraps of messy muddled memories. Each image that came into my mind was just a fragment - A school, a library, sickeningly white walls. It hit me that I didn't even know my name. I was starting to hyperventilate but then my body kicked into autopilot. I started to take deep breaths, focusing on my diaphragm and calming myself down. It felt like I was trained to do this. I started to focus on the current situation.
Where was my ticket? Instinctually, I knew I had to have gotten one on my entry to the train station. I reached into my pockets and pulled out a scrap of paper. Scrawled in very familiar cursive:
*In case of memory loss, read the journal in your backpack*
Strange message but I didn't have any choice then to at least give the instructions a try. I removed my backpack and rummaged through it for the journal. I wouldn't really call it a backpack - more a tattered and frayed bundle of cloth that was reminiscent of a backpack. I finally found a series of small thick journals, bundled in cloth with their leather covers on the verge of disintegration. The pages still seemed in good condition though. Each cover was sequentially labelled which I'm guessing corresponded to the chronological order of the writings within.
The lady next to me was weirdly getting agitated. She kept stealing glances, her body shaking and eyes burning with a fierce rage. I slowly got up from the bench and began to step backwards. My backpack bumped into a pillar. The dull thud it made seemed to cause a drastic change to everyone around me though. They all snapped their heads, locking eyes on me and staring through my very soul. I felt exposed.
The rumble of an arriving train stole away their attention and within a split second everyone was ignoring me again, going back to their usual activities. It seriously felt like I had just imagined it and it was becoming more and more clear that I was having some sort of mental breakdown. Nevertheless, as the train slowed to a stop on the platform, I walked into it and found a seat. The train seemed to be old and new at the same time. Typical blue seats with abstract dirty patterns complete with a modern sleek interior of gentle curves clashing with a boxy dull metallic exterior and doors that looked like they belonged on a rusty submarine.
I opened the first of the journals and began to read. I soon realised that the handwriting was mine and within the next few moments I was attacked by a barrage of memories that had remained repressed and buried in the back of my mind.
*
My name is Jacob and I have been stuck here in this place called *The Limbo* for an eternity. When I say 'eternity', I don't mean it lightly. Back when I used to keep track I counted over 500 years through my wristwatch that never seemed to run out of battery. Now I know counting is meaningless. There have been periods like this where my mind falls into a deep trance and I lose my whole identity as I mindlessly wander in this place much like the entities that inhabit it. Occasional periods of lucidity breach this trance and then I find myself lost and confused. It's why I keep the journals with me. I think its some sort of psychological survival mechanism that human brains develop when faced with the infinite vastness of The Limbo.
Speaking of The Limbo, I've come to learn a few things about its nature through my stay here. Some of its been through people that I've come across (Yes others are also stuck here) and some has been through my own experiences. Perhaps the most important is the question of where I get my food and water. The answer is weird. I have never felt hungry or thirsty. The sensation of having cool water slide down my throat remains a memory so distant that it feels like the snippet of a childhood dream.
I guess the next natural topic about this place would be time. Through various experiences of mine (that you'll get to read about) and discussions with others, the leading theory of mine is that The Limbo exists outside of time itself. While I myself have fallen here sometime during 2001, I've met many others from various years like the 80s, 90s and even one recent fellow from 2043.
Most people in The Limbo eventually fall into a trance, withering away until they become one of the entities or become mere tools for them. It's probably naive but I keep going through this place with only two hopes. The first is to somehow get out of here at the right time point and see my son, who I never got to see. The second is to come out of this place and die so that I no longer have to live out the empty agony of eternity (I'll explain how you can't age or die in The Limbo later). Perhaps my hopes will dwindle as the centuries pile and I will become just like those who I look upon in pity now.
I am writing this consolidated diary of my experiences for several reasons. I'd like someone to know of my unending journey in this place. To be aware of the capacity of the human spirit to keep going in the worst of situations. I have never had a long term friend in The Limbo, but know that I consider you the reader a dear friend even if I never get to meet you because you will know my story. I'm also sharing this in hopes that there is more awareness of The Limbo. Perhaps the military and scientists can actually figure out what it is. Perhaps all of us can be brought home. Or maybe this can serve as a survival guide to those who may be unfortunate enough to fall through.
There are small holes in The Limbo. Most of them are barely large enough for a pinkie finger to fit in let alone a person, but sometimes I've come across one large enough for this journal to go through. I'm not sure what time or place these holes lead to, so the safe passage of this book into a person capable of reading it has about the same chances as me ever leaving this place.
The train I'm on supposedly leads to the edge of The Limbo, where the holes are large enough for humans to fit through. It's really more of a legend amongst the poor souls that are trapped here and I've followed trails and clues for a long time to even find this train.
There are only two ways this goes. Both outcomes would lead to you reading this book in your hands. I'll either find my way out of this hell or give up hope and slip this journal through a Hole. You will find my fate at the end.
I should stop rambling now though. It would be best to start at the very beginning.
*
I was rushing out of work in pure ecstasy. My wife had gone into labor while I was at work and been rushed to hospital. I needed to get there fast. People were glancing over at me over their cubicles in confusion as I packed up my work bag and rushed out to the elevators. I couldn't stop thinking about seeing my first son as the elevator made its way down. The elevator doors finally opened and I rushed out.
The ground entrance of the building I worked at, particularly near the lobby, is an intersection of various hallways. I was already walking to close to the wall when someone came rushing around the corner and bumped me right into the wall. I was only able to hear half their apology when I fell *through* the wall like it was just a holographic projection. In hindsight, I find it oddly funny how easy it is for a life to get ruined. Just when you think you've got it all, when everything is going smoothly, a small incident like that is enough to take it all away.
I found myself in a room that resembled a classroom. It looked as if someone who had never stepped inside a classroom was asked to imagine the space. Desks were arranged in messy uneven rows with the chairs facing various directions. The board at the front of the room was a seamless patchy mixture of both chalk and modern whiteboard and mounted way too low on the wall, nearly hugging the floor. A large teachers desk sat in the front of the room. The walls were filled with posters of absolute gibberish along with diagrams and pictures that seemed like they showed something tangible but no matter how close you looked you could never identify anything in the picture.
The initial confusion was replaced by an immense panic. My heart was drumming against my chest as I searched the room for a doorway to exit it. My mind was trying to rationalise the situation. I was trying to convince myself that this was just some old part of the building and I had fallen into a hallway instead of the wall.
I ran through the doorway at the far end of the room and found myself in a large hallway that seemed to extend forever in both directions. The walls were a muted grey and the floors were that typical dirty linoleum. Soon I would find out that the regularly spaced doorways on either side of the hall led to other nonsensical classrooms.
I ran down the hallway screaming for help in pure panic, which was a terrible mistake in hindsight. I stopped running down the hallway when I suddenly heard the distinct scratch of chalk against board. In this large empty space, the sound echoed and boomed. Since I was still refusing to buy in to the reality of the situation, my hopes were momentarily increased by the supposed presence of another person here.
I slowly walked over to the doorway that the sounds were coming from. My stomach filled with an uneasy dread. This deep primal instinct within me urged me to hold back. I peeked carefully in the classroom and saw a woman with their back turned to me drawing something on the chalkboard.
It took me a few moments to notice that it was a very realistic portrait of my face.
She was drawing lines across my throat, her long dark hair swaying as she drew in the details. The drawing was completed with a terrible slash across the throat, blood gurgling out. I was frozen in place, transfixed on the hauntingly beautiful realism of the picture.
She began to turn around slowly while humming a high pitched tune. To this day I can't describe the face I saw. It is still etched into my mind. A face full of so much hatred, so much anger that I don't think its possible for a human to make that face. It expressed an emotion beyond human understanding. No artist in the world could ever render the expression on the paper. No words could describe the pure fear that coursed through my veins as she stared at me and began to approach.
I turned around to run, only to realise that a bunch of school children had gathered around me. They were headless, the bleeding stumps dripping thick blood onto the floor in a rhythmic patter. Somehow they were laughing.
I shoved through the group and ran down the hallway. I wasn't sure where I was going. My whole world had shattered and now I was completely aimless in some nonsense dimension with horrors beyond imagination that wanted me dead.
*
The extract above is from this journal I found at the foot of a large tree on a hiking trail. It's a miracle that I spotted its faded leather cover given that it was almost buried under rotting leaves. I really don't know what to make of what I'm reading, so I'll be slowly transcribing bits of it in separate posts over the next few days.
I know this subreddit is good for this sort of stuff. I'd love if someone else could share anything they know about The Limbo. This whole journal feels like some sort of prank, but the words and memories within feel way too real.
I can't help but feel a connection to this story. My mum doesn't speak much of my Dad, who I know left before I was born. No one ever found out where he went.
I was born in 2001
X
submitted by not_neccesarily to nosleep [link] [comments]
Next train in ### minutes
I furrow my brow, squint to try and focus on the numbers but they're heavily pixelated and illegible. I look around at the other commuters, who stream onto the platform completely unaware of the anomaly. Most people are on their phone, or wearing headphones while some are talking to each other. No one seems to notice the malfunction with the screen.
That's when the absurdity of the situation clicks for me. Endless platforms, a wall of fog, unreadable numbers and people that don't care. It's all a dream. I bring my hand up to my face and pinch my nose, trying to breathe through it. An old reality check I remembered from back when I was trying to learn to lucid dream.
My heart rate jumped when I realised, that I couldn't breathe through my nose. Before I could even process this, another problem presented itself. I didn't know why I was here. I didn't know where I was going and I definitely did not know how I even got here. It seems as if reality ceased to exist right before I walked onto this platform. Just like it typically feels in a dream, you spawn in out of nowhere and don't really know what happened prior - except this wasn't a dream.
I knew I was sure of it because deep inside my bones I felt this anxious urgent message. I need to catch this train. It was a primal feeling.
At this point, my head is spinning and I need to sit down somewhere. I choose a silver bench with a middle aged woman sitting on it. She shuffles further to the left as I sit down next to her clutching my head and racking my brain to try and figure out what it is happening. This is what amnesia feels like, I thought to my self as I gnawed at scraps of messy muddled memories. Each image that came into my mind was just a fragment - A school, a library, sickeningly white walls. It hit me that I didn't even know my name. I was starting to hyperventilate but then my body kicked into autopilot. I started to take deep breaths, focusing on my diaphragm and calming myself down. It felt like I was trained to do this. I started to focus on the current situation.
Where was my ticket? Instinctually, I knew I had to have gotten one on my entry to the train station. I reached into my pockets and pulled out a scrap of paper. Scrawled in very familiar cursive:
*In case of memory loss, read the journal in your backpack*
Strange message but I didn't have any choice then to at least give the instructions a try. I removed my backpack and rummaged through it for the journal. I wouldn't really call it a backpack - more a tattered and frayed bundle of cloth that was reminiscent of a backpack. I finally found a series of small thick journals, bundled in cloth with their leather covers on the verge of disintegration. The pages still seemed in good condition though. Each cover was sequentially labelled which I'm guessing corresponded to the chronological order of the writings within.
The lady next to me was weirdly getting agitated. She kept stealing glances, her body shaking and eyes burning with a fierce rage. I slowly got up from the bench and began to step backwards. My backpack bumped into a pillar. The dull thud it made seemed to cause a drastic change to everyone around me though. They all snapped their heads, locking eyes on me and staring through my very soul. I felt exposed.
The rumble of an arriving train stole away their attention and within a split second everyone was ignoring me again, going back to their usual activities. It seriously felt like I had just imagined it and it was becoming more and more clear that I was having some sort of mental breakdown. Nevertheless, as the train slowed to a stop on the platform, I walked into it and found a seat. The train seemed to be old and new at the same time. Typical blue seats with abstract dirty patterns complete with a modern sleek interior of gentle curves clashing with a boxy dull metallic exterior and doors that looked like they belonged on a rusty submarine.
I opened the first of the journals and began to read. I soon realised that the handwriting was mine and within the next few moments I was attacked by a barrage of memories that had remained repressed and buried in the back of my mind.
*
My name is Jacob and I have been stuck here in this place called *The Limbo* for an eternity. When I say 'eternity', I don't mean it lightly. Back when I used to keep track I counted over 500 years through my wristwatch that never seemed to run out of battery. Now I know counting is meaningless. There have been periods like this where my mind falls into a deep trance and I lose my whole identity as I mindlessly wander in this place much like the entities that inhabit it. Occasional periods of lucidity breach this trance and then I find myself lost and confused. It's why I keep the journals with me. I think its some sort of psychological survival mechanism that human brains develop when faced with the infinite vastness of The Limbo.
Speaking of The Limbo, I've come to learn a few things about its nature through my stay here. Some of its been through people that I've come across (Yes others are also stuck here) and some has been through my own experiences. Perhaps the most important is the question of where I get my food and water. The answer is weird. I have never felt hungry or thirsty. The sensation of having cool water slide down my throat remains a memory so distant that it feels like the snippet of a childhood dream.
I guess the next natural topic about this place would be time. Through various experiences of mine (that you'll get to read about) and discussions with others, the leading theory of mine is that The Limbo exists outside of time itself. While I myself have fallen here sometime during 2001, I've met many others from various years like the 80s, 90s and even one recent fellow from 2043.
Most people in The Limbo eventually fall into a trance, withering away until they become one of the entities or become mere tools for them. It's probably naive but I keep going through this place with only two hopes. The first is to somehow get out of here at the right time point and see my son, who I never got to see. The second is to come out of this place and die so that I no longer have to live out the empty agony of eternity (I'll explain how you can't age or die in The Limbo later). Perhaps my hopes will dwindle as the centuries pile and I will become just like those who I look upon in pity now.
I am writing this consolidated diary of my experiences for several reasons. I'd like someone to know of my unending journey in this place. To be aware of the capacity of the human spirit to keep going in the worst of situations. I have never had a long term friend in The Limbo, but know that I consider you the reader a dear friend even if I never get to meet you because you will know my story. I'm also sharing this in hopes that there is more awareness of The Limbo. Perhaps the military and scientists can actually figure out what it is. Perhaps all of us can be brought home. Or maybe this can serve as a survival guide to those who may be unfortunate enough to fall through.
There are small holes in The Limbo. Most of them are barely large enough for a pinkie finger to fit in let alone a person, but sometimes I've come across one large enough for this journal to go through. I'm not sure what time or place these holes lead to, so the safe passage of this book into a person capable of reading it has about the same chances as me ever leaving this place.
The train I'm on supposedly leads to the edge of The Limbo, where the holes are large enough for humans to fit through. It's really more of a legend amongst the poor souls that are trapped here and I've followed trails and clues for a long time to even find this train.
There are only two ways this goes. Both outcomes would lead to you reading this book in your hands. I'll either find my way out of this hell or give up hope and slip this journal through a Hole. You will find my fate at the end.
I should stop rambling now though. It would be best to start at the very beginning.
*
I was rushing out of work in pure ecstasy. My wife had gone into labor while I was at work and been rushed to hospital. I needed to get there fast. People were glancing over at me over their cubicles in confusion as I packed up my work bag and rushed out to the elevators. I couldn't stop thinking about seeing my first son as the elevator made its way down. The elevator doors finally opened and I rushed out.
The ground entrance of the building I worked at, particularly near the lobby, is an intersection of various hallways. I was already walking to close to the wall when someone came rushing around the corner and bumped me right into the wall. I was only able to hear half their apology when I fell *through* the wall like it was just a holographic projection. In hindsight, I find it oddly funny how easy it is for a life to get ruined. Just when you think you've got it all, when everything is going smoothly, a small incident like that is enough to take it all away.
I found myself in a room that resembled a classroom. It looked as if someone who had never stepped inside a classroom was asked to imagine the space. Desks were arranged in messy uneven rows with the chairs facing various directions. The board at the front of the room was a seamless patchy mixture of both chalk and modern whiteboard and mounted way too low on the wall, nearly hugging the floor. A large teachers desk sat in the front of the room. The walls were filled with posters of absolute gibberish along with diagrams and pictures that seemed like they showed something tangible but no matter how close you looked you could never identify anything in the picture.
The initial confusion was replaced by an immense panic. My heart was drumming against my chest as I searched the room for a doorway to exit it. My mind was trying to rationalise the situation. I was trying to convince myself that this was just some old part of the building and I had fallen into a hallway instead of the wall.
I ran through the doorway at the far end of the room and found myself in a large hallway that seemed to extend forever in both directions. The walls were a muted grey and the floors were that typical dirty linoleum. Soon I would find out that the regularly spaced doorways on either side of the hall led to other nonsensical classrooms.
I ran down the hallway screaming for help in pure panic, which was a terrible mistake in hindsight. I stopped running down the hallway when I suddenly heard the distinct scratch of chalk against board. In this large empty space, the sound echoed and boomed. Since I was still refusing to buy in to the reality of the situation, my hopes were momentarily increased by the supposed presence of another person here.
I slowly walked over to the doorway that the sounds were coming from. My stomach filled with an uneasy dread. This deep primal instinct within me urged me to hold back. I peeked carefully in the classroom and saw a woman with their back turned to me drawing something on the chalkboard.
It took me a few moments to notice that it was a very realistic portrait of my face.
She was drawing lines across my throat, her long dark hair swaying as she drew in the details. The drawing was completed with a terrible slash across the throat, blood gurgling out. I was frozen in place, transfixed on the hauntingly beautiful realism of the picture.
She began to turn around slowly while humming a high pitched tune. To this day I can't describe the face I saw. It is still etched into my mind. A face full of so much hatred, so much anger that I don't think its possible for a human to make that face. It expressed an emotion beyond human understanding. No artist in the world could ever render the expression on the paper. No words could describe the pure fear that coursed through my veins as she stared at me and began to approach.
I turned around to run, only to realise that a bunch of school children had gathered around me. They were headless, the bleeding stumps dripping thick blood onto the floor in a rhythmic patter. Somehow they were laughing.
I shoved through the group and ran down the hallway. I wasn't sure where I was going. My whole world had shattered and now I was completely aimless in some nonsense dimension with horrors beyond imagination that wanted me dead.
*
The extract above is from this journal I found at the foot of a large tree on a hiking trail. It's a miracle that I spotted its faded leather cover given that it was almost buried under rotting leaves. I really don't know what to make of what I'm reading, so I'll be slowly transcribing bits of it in separate posts over the next few days.
I know this subreddit is good for this sort of stuff. I'd love if someone else could share anything they know about The Limbo. This whole journal feels like some sort of prank, but the words and memories within feel way too real.
I can't help but feel a connection to this story. My mum doesn't speak much of my Dad, who I know left before I was born. No one ever found out where he went.
I was born in 2001
X
2024.05.15 12:29 Juleo86 It's p365 or p365x
 | Hello everyone, I'm planning to buy a new Sig Sauer P365X pistol. I saw one in the market, but I'm confused because it doesn't have the 'X' mark on the slide, although the box is labeled 'P365X' and the magwell is straight, like the X model, and it has a 12-round capacity." submitted by Juleo86 to SigSauer [link] [comments] |