Whether you're a small business or a large enterprise, the right CRM can transform how you interact with clients, track sales, and boost your overall efficiency. I’ve been looking at a lot of posts on CRMs on and off Reddit but have failed to find a detailed guide.
Did a lot of research to find a CRM for my own organization so I thought why not share all that research to help some of you. So I’m doing this post to review the top CRM options like Pipedrive and Freshshales.
Would love feedback on whether this helped you and I’ll consider doing more of these if they turn out to be actually valuable.

5 Best CRM Software Picked for 2024

• Pipedrive - Starting at $12
• Freshsales - Free for upto 3 users
• HubSpot - Starting at $90
• Zoho CRM - Starting at $14
• Nimble - Starting at $24.90

Pipedrive - Best CRM Software Overall

Pricing:

• Essential: $14/seat/month (billed monthly) or $12/seat/month (billed annually)
• Advanced: $29/seat/month (billed monthly) or $24/seat/month (billed annually)
• Professional: $59/seat/month (billed monthly) or $49/seat/month (billed annually)
• Power: $69/seat/month (billed monthly) or $59/seat/month (billed annually)
• Enterprise: $99/seat/month (billed monthly) or $79/seat/month (billed annually)

Pipedrive offers a 14-day free trial for all its plans. This allows users to try out the Essential, Advanced, Professional, Power, or Enterprise plans without any initial cost.
Add-ons:

• LeadBooster: $32.50/month (annual) or $39/month (monthly)
• Web Visitors: $41/month (annual) or $49/month (monthly)
• Campaigns: $13.33/month (annual) or $16/month (monthly)
• Smart Docs: $32.50/month (annual) or $39/month (monthly) when added to an Essential or Advanced subscription
• Projects: $6.70/usemonth (annual) or $8/usemonth (monthly)

Pipedrive is a cloud-based CRM software company with headquarters in Estonia and New York founded in 2010. Known for its popularity, it offers extensive sales and contact management features, including customer management, lead routing, and automated workflows. Pipedrive automates many sales tasks using artificial intelligence and provides personalized tips to enhance sales performance. Its open API allows integration with other software, offering customization to meet specific business needs.
Pros:

• Unlimited and customizable sales pipelines
• Sales assistant powered by machine learning included with all plans
• API access for extensive customization
• Workflow automation in most plans
• Autofill contact information feature in premium plans
• Built-in telephony feature in most plans

Cons:

• No free plan option
• Limited custom fields and reporting in most plans
• Phone support only available with the highest-tier plan

Features

• Sales-focused CRM with customizable sales pipelines
• Automations to reduce manual tasks
• Intuitive platform with a minimalistic layout
• AI assistance to reduce data entry
• Kanban-style board for drag-and-drop lead management
• Customizable data fields
• Customizable chatbot for capturing leads on websites
• Easy chatbot setup via the “Leadbooster” section
• List view to earmark leads based on buying likelihood
• Integrates with over 400 third-party apps, including Zapier, Zoom, Calendly, and Leadfeeder

Freshsales - Best for AI-powered Sales Features

Pricing:

• Free plan for up to 3 users
• Annually billed, Growth is $9/usemonth, Pro is $39/usemonth, and Enterprise is $59/usemonth.
• Monthly billed, Growth is $11/usemonth, Pro is $47/usemonth, and Enterprise is $71/usemonth.

Freshsales is a comprehensive CRM solution for sales, marketing, chat, and telephone needs, accessible via a browser or mobile app. It effectively manages sales processes by organizing, tracking, and following up on leads while building customer relationships. Users generally find Freshsales effective and easy to use, though some may need extended onboarding and training. For sales teams seeking a straightforward, unified CRM platform, Freshsales is a strong contender.
Pros:

• Includes a forever-free plan
• Offers affordable paid plans
• Allows lead contact via chat, email, and phone on all plans
• AI-powered lead scoring available in all paid plans
• Features various automation options
• Provides customizable dashboards and reports

Cons:

• Customer support needs improvement
• Support is only available on weekdays
• The free plan does not include reporting features

Features
Quick implementation time (around 18 days)

• Extensive customization options
• Ability to add and track custom fields
• Define workflows and set specific rules for data entry and management
• Create custom activities, fields, groups, and modules
• Capture website visitors as leads
• Track deals and predict revenue
• Create detailed reports on sales activities and key metrics
• Real-time insights for data-driven decisions
• Range of integrations with popular third-party tools and platforms

HubSpot - Best CRM for Sales, Marketing & Services

Pricing:
Sales Hub Professional:

• $100/mo/seat (Pay Monthly, Commit annually)
• $90/mo/seat (Pay Upfront, Commit annually, BEST VALUE)

Sales Hub Enterprise:

• $150/mo/seat

HubSpot CRM is a cloud-based platform that enables sales and marketing teams to manage contacts, track deals, and view the sales pipeline in real time. It helps identify high-quality leads, automate email marketing, and analyze business metrics. Suitable for B2B and B2C businesses across various industries, HubSpot supports lead nurturing, sales pipeline management, and email campaigning. It facilitates the monitoring of both outbound and inbound leads with automation.
Pros:

• The core CRM software is free.
• Provides real-time notifications of lead behavior.
• Allows personalized email sequences for both leads and existing customers.

Cons:

• Per-user plans can be costly for small businesses.
• Limited to one email per contact.

Features
Store and manage contacts, track interactions, and keep all customer information in one place.

• Visualize and manage your sales pipeline, track deals, and forecast revenue.
• Track leads from the first interaction to close, with detailed timelines of their activity.
• Integrate with your email to log and track communication, schedule emails, and use email templates.
• Generate detailed reports on sales activities, productivity, and performance to make data-driven decisions.
• Automate marketing tasks such as email campaigns, social media posts, and lead nurturing workflows.
• Use live chat and chatbots to engage with website visitors and provide instant support.

Zoho CRM - Best for Automation & Small Businesses

Pricing:

• Standard: $20/user monthly, $14/usemonth annually
• Professional: $35/user monthly, $23/usemonth annually
• Enterprise: $50/user monthly, $40/usemonth annually
• Ultimate: $65/user monthly, $52/usemonth annually

Zoho CRM is ideal for newcomers, offering an intuitive interface and a free plan with essential features for individuals or very small businesses. As the business grows, users can upgrade to paid plans for advanced functionalities like marketing automation and data tracking. It integrates seamlessly with other Zoho tools and third-party apps such as Mailchimp, Google Analytics, and QuickBooks. This scalability and ease of use make Zoho CRM a top choice for small businesses.
Pros:

• Offers a free plan
• Affordable pricing options
• Automation features available on all plans
• Multiple integration options
• User-friendly interface
• Mobile app available
• 30- to 45-day money-back guarantee

Cons:

• AI features only in higher-tier plans
• Limited custom fields
• No integrations available with the free plan

Features

• Automate routine tasks, manage leads, deals, and contacts, and create optimized workflows.
• Customize the CRM interface with a drag-and-drop editor.
• Define and manage sales processes, set processing rules, and review data quality.
• Create and visualize customer journeys, and coordinate actions across departments.
• Generate reports, create dashboards, and analyze trends.
• Forecast sales, manage territories, and use gamification.
• Use AI assistant Zia for lead and deal prediction, voice assistance, and macro suggestions.
• Tailor layouts, components, views, and filters, and support global selling.
• Create groups, share updates, and leave notes for teammates.

Nimble - Best for a Simple Pricing Structure

Pricing:
Nimble offers two pricing plans:

• $29.90 per seat/month
• $24.90 per seat/month, billed annually

Both plans include 25,000 contact records, 2 GB/seat storage, and integration with Microsoft 365 and Google Workspace, along with Nimble Prospector and a 14-day free trial.
Nimble CRM combines contact management, social media, sales intelligence, and marketing automation for relationship insights. It integrates productivity apps to consolidate contacts, communications, calendars, and data from social media. This helps small businesses manage contacts and relevant individuals in one platform, avoiding app switching. Nimble supports thousands of small to mid-sized businesses in nurturing relationships across email, social networks, and over 90 cloud-based apps.
Pros:

• Single-tier pricing structure
• 14-day free trial
• Sales prospecting tools

Cons:

• Doesn’t offer multiple tiers
• Limit on contact records
• Limit on group messaging

Features

• Identify, build, and nurture relationships
• Manage leads, track deals, and forecast revenue
• Access and manage contacts from Gmail, Outlook, and social media
• Use custom web forms to capture leads
• Access CRM information from mobile apps
• Visual workflows and deal pipelines for opportunity management
• Integrate with over 100 partners for lead capture, email marketing, and more
• Generate in-depth sales performance reports

Here’s a table to compare pricing options for different CRMs:

What Is CRM Software?

CRM software is a tool for managing sales pipelines and customer relationships. It helps businesses track interactions with leads and customers, moving them through stages of the sales process. CRM systems provide visual pipelines, stage-specific actions, and features like reporting dashboards, workflow automation, and document management. The right CRM depends on your business’s specific sales process and needs.

How do I choose a CRM for my business?

To choose a CRM for your business, start by assessing your specific needs. Then, find CRM software that offers the features you require. Consider the pricing, customer service, and ease of use to determine its overall value for the cost.

Are there free CRMs available?

Yes, many CRMs offer a free tier, but these are often basic and may lack the necessary features. However, they are useful for testing the product and evaluating its user interface.
​
The best CRM software, such as Pipedrive and HubSpot, integrates seamlessly with existing systems, offers robust features for managing customer relationships, and provides insightful analytics to drive sales and marketing strategies. Choosing the right CRM can significantly enhance customer engagement and streamline business operations.

During the konoha crush arc Orochimaru tried summoning Minato but failed. I know that the reason why he failed was a retcon with Hiruzen first saying he stopped the summoning and Kabuto later correcting it that it actually filed because Minato's soul was sealed inside the reaper's belly.
I always had a problem with this explaination because Orochimaru didn't use the edo tensei on site but prepared it before the fight and just summoned the completed edo tensei's coffins so I tried finding an explaination that explains what was inside that coffin (I doubt it was empty) and that makes both statements of Hiruzen and Kabuto correct.
So my theory is that the edo tensei actually has two stages which are:

1. Creating a vessel: You take a living sacrifice and provide DNA of the dead person and the jutsu creates an empty vessel which is modeled after the dead person but doesn't have a soul in it yet.
   
2. Summoning the soul: After you have a vessel prepared you place a kunai inside their head with that tag and summon the soul of the dead person and seal it inside that body.
   

Now I think Orochimaru did have a prepared vessel looking like edo Minato inside that coffin and Hiruzen did actually stop the summoning jutsu of that coffin but if he didn't stop it Orochimaru would have placed a kunai in Minato's head but nothing would have happened since Minato's soul is sealed away which would continue the fight as it did but with a bit more confusion about why Minato doesn't move.
Tldr; My theory is that edo tensei bodies can exist without a soul inside them but you can't use them if the soul isn't available.
Please feel free to add anything if I missed something.

The Nasuverse isn't real. Tsukihime, Fate/Extra, Mahoyo - they're all lies.
Heed my words, people. Let the FGO agenda mislead ye not.
Let me show you the truth.

Tsukihime

Firstly, Tsukihime was never real. People who say otherwise are trying to gaslight you. Don't fall for it. Have you ever seen someone play Tsukihime? I've never heard about it.
Think about what everyone says. It doesn't line up. Shiki Tohno, main character. But why isn't he in FGO? Why isn't he in any other game? Would anyone really write a main character who's a serial killer with a lack of respect for consent? Of course not.
Arcueid? Yeah, of course they tell you she's a great heroine and totally well-written and whatever. She's just Archetype Earth! FGO players are so obsessed with their waifu they pretend an entire other game exists for her. Don't buy it.
Who the hell even is Ciel? Akiha? Roa? Hisui? Kohaku? They're not in any other stories. What proof does anyone have Tsukihime exists?
Would any REAL visual novel have THREE different characters named Shiki?!
Melty Blood is just an Under Night In Birth spin off. It even has Eltnam from UNIB. It's also a fighting game. Fighting games don't have stories. Tsukihime can't exist. It's a story.
This so called Tsukihime is not even on Steam. It's on Nintendo? Of course, but do we know it's actually there? It's Japanese, both the game and the Nintendo. I don't own a Nintendo, so clearly no one else does either. Who's to say it isn't just a big prank by Japanese people?
Nasu is even an FGO player himself. "Ritsuka Fujimaru is the life I'd like to have led," he says. He's a self-inserter. We can't trust a word out of his lips. He's compromised. Remember, he's the one who wrote this totally unrelated Artoria who's completely in love with the Fujimaru who now has a personality which totally isn't just Nasu writing his own personality into the game, no siree!
THINK ABOUT IT! "Oh man, I sure love Tsukihime's main character Shiki Tohno"- LOOK AT SHIKI'S TRAITS!

• Black hair (just like Fujimaru)
  
• Japanese (just like Fujimaru)
  
• Teenager (just like Fujimaru)
  

Oh and wouldn't you know it, he dates Arcueid. Hoo boy! This guy who's totally not Fujimaru dates totally not Archetype Earth!
It's FGO propaganda! There is NO Tsukihime! They just want to go on a date with Archetype Earth and are making up a fanfiction about it! And tricking YOU, an innocent victim of the FGO agenda into believing it!

Kara no Kyoukai- Garden of Sinners? It doesn't exist either!

Hoo boy! Look! It's Shiki Ryougi - literally just that FGO character they're not even trying to hide it now - and she fell in love with that completely average Japanese teenager who's totally not just Ritsuka with glasses and a different name, and now they have kids together and are married!
Does the FGO agenda ever end???! It's a Guda x Servant child fanfic!!! It isn't real! Of course it isn't!
AND NO ONE WOULD WRITE A FRANCHISE WITH FOUR SHIKIS!

Notes? NOTES?

Yeah, it's literally FGO's Servantverse! It even has Mysterious Heroine X renamed Ado Edem!
No self respecting story would name the character who goes around shooting gods with a gun, GUN GOD! That's so stupid it's not even funny! It can't be real!
FGO players were so mad that no one took their dumb stupid idiotic moronic blasphemous inhumane failure of an event story seriously that they collectively decided to pretend it was the origin of the Nasuverse! Down with the FGO agenda!
Look on me, GrandOrder! Don't let them brainwash you!

Fate/Extra

Of COURSE, they'd say it exists! Those filthy FGO agenda keepers are gaslighting you!
The PSP does not exist! There can't be games for it! And spare just a single brain cell to think about the alleged 'plot'! Some totally normal guy who has no special qualities, is a piss poor mage (but he's brunette so he's totally not Ritsuka) contracts with TOTALLY NOT Artoria, TOTALLY NOT Archer or a new fan-service character who's just Morgan if she was a fox-girl and genki! And wouldn't you know it, all of them fall in love with him!
Oh, and Rin is also in the game and she also falls in love with the protagonist! She also just so happens to look identical to Ereshkigal! They even have an homunculus who falls in love with the totally not Fujimaru! They literally added Indian Sitonai!
The main villain is just Kirschtaria if he was young! That's how unoriginal the FGOminatti is!

Fate/Extra CCC

Firstly, that's a stupid name. What idiotic story would be named the same as the previous entry but with CCC slapped on? Imagine if Nintendo created a sequel to the Nintendo Wii and named it the Wii U.
Secondly, it's literally just the FGO players simping for BB in that one SERAPH event! They're gaslighting you into thinking there's an entire game where BB wants to date Totally Not Ritsuka to the point of trapping them in a school! They even added Kiara from FGO into this dumb agenda creation!
Oh, and wouldn't you know it! The true ending of the game has the protagonist and BB kiss as if it wasn't enough that they added FOUR Sakuras all of whom are in love with the Not Fujimaru! They even re-added Rin and Indian Illya/Sitonai to simp for their self-insert!
Young Kirsch even has a clear gay crush on the main character! They couldn't stop with shipping all the girls with their horse shit cardboard cutout, now they're adding Kirschtaria Wodime Lily to their harem under a different name!

Mahoyo

What do you want me to say?! It's Aoko from FGO, Soujuuro from FGO, Alice from FGO and all of them are in a strange polycule.
...
The FGO AGENDA IS BAITING YOU INTO THEIR SHIPS! DON'T BELIEVE IT!

Samurai Remnant

IT NEVER STOPS! "Oh there's a game where Iori from FGO is the main character"-
What proof is there? I don't have money to buy this game, so how can you show it exists?! It's not on my PC then it doesn't exist, PERIOD.
Similarly, Baldur's Gate is not actually real because I don't own it.

Fate/Apocrypha

Astolfo, Mordred, Sieg- all characters from FGO.
The FGO Agenda has invented some dumb fake character who's a homunculus and has super duper powers while having zero personality.
It's so that they can point to this imaginary cardboard to make their own self insert look better by comparison!
DON'T BE BRAINWASHED, VICTIMS OF FGO!

Fate/Stay Night

This is even worse than any of the others! The FGO Agenda has gone too far!
They claim there's TOTALLY a longer than Bible sized visual novel with OH SO GREAT themes! What proof do we have it's real?! None! Have you ever seen Fate/Stay Night on Steam? On the PS4? On the Xbox? On any online retailer?
Even the backstory they make up for their protagonist is bullshit! "He saw everything burn down in Fuyuki and came out of it wanting to save the world-" THAT'S LITERALLY JUST SINGULARITY-F! They're not even trying to be original!
The main character is literally Muramasa but young! Look at his dumb accomplishment list because FGO agenda keepers couldn't stop wanking their husbando!

• Actually he's Archer EMIYA the Counter Guardian (literally just the guy from FGO)
• Raised by totally not Counter Guardian Assassin EMIYA
• Has the super duper ultra Noble Phantasm which just so happens to be the perfect counter to THE STRONGEST HERO to ever EXIST!
• Rapidly grows faster than actual accomplished mages!
  And look at his bullshit romances! "Oh, his soul mate is Artoria-" The FGOminatti couldn't keep their disgusting fetishes to themselves! They're literally shipping MURAMASA AND HIS DAUGHTER NOW! THOSE DAMN AKIHA ROUTE FANS!
  

Then there's Rin- literally Ishtar but nicer! And Sakura who's just Kama! And it's supposedly an ero-novel so he has the say gex with each of them!
FGO LIARS ARE PRETENDING AND RECOMMENDING A NOVEL WHERE MURAMASA AND HIS DAUGHTER ENGAGE IN THE VAPOREON COPYPASTA BUT WITHOUT THE FURRY PARTS AND WITHOUT VAPOREON TO YOU!
It doesn't end there! FGOminatti can't stop with that amount of degeneracy! They added RASPUTIN, and made him their main character's love interest! The FGOminatti WANT TO HAVE MELUSINE'S TIME PARADOX WITH THE MAN WHO MURDERED DA VINCI!
And even that isn't enough for their disgusting selves! They added Fujimaru Ritsuka again but named him Issei, and then implied that he and Muramasa have frequent Persona 5 references by having him quickly strip for Muramasa Lily! Not only are FGOtards so disgusting they ship Castoria with her father, they're so ravenous they're still shipping Guda even there!
And look! LOOK! Muramasa- Shirou- he's literally just gender swap Gudako!
Can such a stupid, BABOON-BRAINED game or visual novel really exist?! NO! IT CANNOT! THEY'RE LYING TO YOU! IT IS NOT REAL! DON'T LET THE FGOminatti GASLIGHT YOU!
At approximately 7 PM in the US West Coast, the FGOminatti will launch a rocket ship to space. This rocket will contain a neurotoxin that will *trick all people into believing that the Nasuverse is real. *
They have also replaced the President with Fujimaru Ritsuka after developing sufficient technology to teleport him into reality.
Take my hand. We need to stop them.

REJECT THE FGO AGENDA!

From the moment I heard her whispered name, a chill settled deep within my bones, a prelude to the terror that would soon consume my very existence. The Lady, they called her, an entity shrouded in tales so dark, they seemed to blot out the light of day whenever spoken. I was a non-believer, a skeptic who laughed in the face of the supernatural. How I wish I could return to that blissful ignorance, but some truths, once revealed, are impossible to unsee.
It began innocently enough, a dare amongst friends on a night fueled by the reckless invincibility of youth. We were gathered around the flickering light of a campfire, the darkness of the woods pressing in on us with an almost palpable intensity. "Invoke The Lady," they said, a challenge thrown down with the gauntlet of peer pressure. "Show us you're not afraid."
Fool that I was, I accepted, mocking the very notion that some spectral woman could instill fear in me. "The Lady, The Lady, The Lady," I called into the night, my voice steady but my heart beginning to betray a flicker of unease.
The words had barely left my lips when the air around us shifted, a coldness seeping into my very marrow. Silence fell, a heavy, oppressive silence that seemed to smother all life in the forest. And then, I saw her.
She emerged from the shadows, a figure so pale she seemed to glow in the moonlight. Her hair, black as the void, flowed around her like a living thing, and her eyes... her eyes were a gray so piercing, so devoid of humanity, that to meet her gaze was to feel your soul being stripped bare.
Panic surged through me, a primal, screaming urge to flee, but I was rooted to the spot, trapped by those merciless eyes. She moved towards me, each step deliberate, relishing the terror that coursed through my veins. I wanted to scream, to beg for mercy, but my voice was a prisoner in my throat, choked off by fear.
When she was but a breath away, she stopped, and the world seemed to hold its breath with her. "You sought me," she whispered, her voice a melody of nightmares, a sound that promised despair and madness. "Now you have found me."
I could do nothing but stare as her hair began to writhe and twist, snakes made of shadow and malice. With a sudden, violent motion, it shot forward, wrapping around me in a cold embrace. I expected pain, expected to be torn asunder, but instead, there was only cold, an abyssal chill that threatened to extinguish the very fire of my soul.
Her face loomed close to mine, close enough that I could see the torment etched into her features, a mirror of the agony she inflicted. "Look upon me," she commanded, and I was powerless to disobey.
What I saw in that moment was not a face, but a void, an absence of all things, a darkness so profound that my mind fractured at its touch. It was the face of oblivion, of all fears made manifest. I felt myself slipping, falling into that endless void, my screams lost in the silence of her embrace.
When I awoke, it was to a world forever changed. The forest was gone, replaced by the sterile white of a hospital room. They told me I was found alone, catatonic, my eyes wide with an unseeing terror. My friends, those who had dared me to call upon The Lady, were nowhere to be found, vanished without a trace.
I alone returned from that night, but what came back was not the same person who had uttered that fateful challenge. I am haunted, forever marked by the touch of The Lady. I see her in my dreams, in the shadows of my room, in every reflective surface, waiting, always waiting.
They say I am mad, but madness is a mercy I have not been granted. For I know the truth, a truth that burns in my mind with the ferocity of a thousand suns. The Lady is real, and she is the embodiment of every fear, every horror, every nightmare that has ever plagued the hearts of humanity.
And she has seen me.

When I was 4 or 5 , traveling cross country..I saw a beautiful long blonde hair woman in a long sleeved long dress with tiny flowers print standing in the middle of a flat golden plain with the wind blowing her hair and dress and I KNEW she had died by a wildfire soon after. ( I still remember the image and thought later, maybe reincarnation memory). 9 yo..AF Brat we visited Ephesus, Turkey..there was a tunnel leading up to the colosseum grounds from the cages and prison cells below and I saw a woman in traditional biblical garb with a blue shaw over her hair bent over with her hand on the wall for support, blinking up into the bright sunlight ..I had the overwhelming urge to touch the Wall were her hand had been. (Just my imagination?)
Years go by and I am diagnosed with an incurable eye desease ..my sister and I go on a road trip, for historical sites while I still can, and then I KNEW this was a ghost energy. Shiloh National Cemetery Park Walking around I saw a copse of trees with 1 Confederate marker among Union Markers and I wondered how he got there. Suddenly (,in my minds eye?) I SAW a very young slim man with dark hair stumble out of the dense brush and be confronted by the sight of Union men sitting around a fire. (Imagination again?) Later my sister and I were standing at the dedication plaque podium and my sister said how sad this place made her feel ..suddenly I felt a sense of Pride and said How proud that their sacrifice was being honored ..then felt joy and laughed and tried to shoulder bump the Confederate ghost... I KNEW, but could not see, standing beside me. Sight deteriated fast, facial recognition gone. It's a blurry world. Btw I can only type on my phone close to my face. Black screen. White lettering. Allen, Texas standing outside grocery store waiting on my ride, I look up and not 2 feet from me is an older gentleman with full head of grey hair and bushy mustache smiling and staring at me..not saying a word..at the time I didn't wonder HOW I could see him so clearly..minutes go by..silence..I'm wondering if he is just standing there judging me, my attire, etc. I turn my back on him and ignore him. Thought no more about it UNTIL..2 years later living in Mabank, Texas AGAIN outside waiting for my ride..Hes THERE.. 2 feet from me, silent and smiling at me..75 miles distance from Allen..thats when I realize I can SEE him as I did in Allen because I RECOGNIZED him from Allen, remember facial recognition is gone, I can't even see myself in a mirror. That shocked me. I don't know him. I walked away. Now you are going to say I'm crazy or hullicinating ..4 years later I'm living in Kentucky and I visit an Amish Store as I'm waiting in line at cashier I see an Amish couple in traditional garb standing perfectly still staring at me I see her clearly with her bonnet and long dark green dress, slim with hard lines on her face (wrinkles) she barely comes to her husband's shou, I look at him and see his white shirt and red suspenders BUT there is a black blob that covers his face and part of his shoulder..ok I think, blind spot from my eyesight, not wondering why I can SEE her so clearly, turn to look at cashier and I can SEE her plump, blonde middle age with glasses smiling at me and I suddenly think..she is connected to the couple..then Memory lapse..until I found myself with a receipt in hand saying "It will be okay, It will be okay" to a crying cashier who won't look up at me. Last experience was December 5th 2023 Weekend getaway with my sister and her DIL. Nashville, TN, Broadway St. Bar hopping, I had slowed down drinking and had switched to water as we walked into Blake's Place. DIL was very drunk and got nose to nose with bouncer..suddenly I felt such Pride for the bouncer and could see him and DIL clearly.,he stood there stoic and unresponsive to DIL barrage of drunk BS till she gave up and moved on. He had a black stocking cap and heavy coat and gloves on, roundish face but not fat..small nose and thin lips. I went to the back of the dance floor and planted myself there so my sister would know where I was and listenened/enjoyed the band, with my water. To the right of me I saw, as if in a spotlight a tall blonde man, in a Red short sleeve t shirt and huge biceps standing there just staring at me, not drinking or moving to the music as the blurry guys behind him were..song after song, he just stood there watching me.. I felt a little self conscious.. I am now 60 so WTH? Eventually my sister came to tell me it was time to leave to get DIL to hotel. Memory lapse..(not drunk, had been on water)..dont remember anything until we were outside on sidewalk when the bouncer came running out to me and grabbed my arm and with a shocked expression on his face demanded.."What did you just say tome! What did you just say to me!" ...I DONT KNOW! I sheepishly say "Best Band" and he stood back and watched us as we moved on down the road. I beleve Red shirt was a ghost connected to him and said something to him thru me. But unlike Shiloh, but like Amish Store..I don't know what the message was.was. If I hadn't effected these two people the way I had, I would think I had had hulicinations or a very vivid imagination..but seeing the stoic bouncer so shook up..convinced me..and I am trying to find explanation/validation that I am not crazy.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is, but maybe if someone struggling with postpartum sees it and knows they aren’t alone, that would be good enough..
So on Saturday I was in a bad mood most of the day, and I didn’t know why. My husband was frustrated with me because the thought I was upset at him and just not telling him what was wrong (because we had to be around other people, and I can fake it well enough, but I just don’t have the energy to always put on that mask at home)..
Mother’s Day rolls around, and I realized why I was so upset. It’s because I woke up. A small part of me wishes every single day that I could just stop existing. That maybe that’s the only thing that can save me from the Groundhogs Day that is my life. I love my children and my husband and my family, but I never should have done this. I’m a horrible mom and a horrible wife, and I’m going to fuck those kids up. They would be so much better off with someone else as their mother. I just can’t get it right. And I’m miserable. I would never leave or hurt myself, but I made a huge mistake. I’m not cut out for motherhood. I don’t know if I can do this. I’m not sure I’ll survive another round of toddler years.
Anyway, I cried myself to exhaustion in the fetal position at the bottom of the shower, and then I just felt numb. It’s the best I’ve felt since my daughter was born. Nothing. Now I’m sitting here dreading the moment the kids wake up and I have to do this all over again.
That’s why I was upset. I woke up. And how can I ever explain that to someone who has never had the slightest hint of mental illness without sounding like an absolute piece of shit? How can I express how much I love them all and how grateful I am to have them in my life and also get the point across that I feel like a failure every second of the day and that it’s not that I wish them away, I just wish they could have had a different mom/wife. Not that I don’t want them, but I don’t want this to be my life anymore. I don’t know. I have moments where I’m happy. But the overall theme of my life, especially lately, is just absolute chaos and regret and sadness and guilt. I feel like I’m drowning but I just won’t fucking die. I just want the suffering to end.
Someone tell me it gets better.. please…

CHAPTER 9 – ENTROPY
DATE: MARCH 10th, 7 A.U. (AFTER UNIFICATION) LOCATION: SOL SYSTEM, ABOARD UTRN INDOMITABLE WILL
CAPTAIN HENRY O’TOOLE
"Ah, there you are Commander. Your message said there was something you wanted to talk with me about, right?" Henry asked as his executive officer approached the system map.
“Aye Captain, now's a good a time as any. As you know, the rate of disciplinary incidents has more than tripled in the last two weeks. We've had six fistfights, one near strangling, a few dozen counts of sexual harassment amongst different parties, and a few more incidents of a nature that I would rather not get into for fear of derailing the point of this conversation. I need additional resources to allocate towards ship internal security. With your permission, I'd like to borrow some of our more trusted marines to help the MA's out on their off shifts.” Commander Alvarez asked.
“Yeah, of course, take what you need to nip this in the bud. I can't say I'm entirely surprised; we expected a certain amount of this with the stresses of FTL travel. With everyone cooped up like this, maybe we should brainstorm some new outlets for the crew. Were there any specific incidents I need to get involved with?” Henry replied as he looked up from the list of updates and reports on his own console.
“No, I have it covered. It's just the regs state I need to ask permission to use marines for internal security matters.” The Commander waved it off.
“Excellent, continue to keep me in the loop then. Can I ask you a question?” Henry took the opportunity to ask something that had been bothering him.
“You just did. Hah! Just kidding, put the axe away boy! Now what would you like to know?” He said with a twinkle in his eye.
“I've seen your file, well, the parts that weren’t redacted anyway. If anything, I should be taking your orders! I mean, you're the Space Wolf! Nobody came even close to the number of ships captured or destroyed than you in the early days of the battle for the belt. Why would they want me to be captain when they had someone like you coming along the whole time? Why aren't you a captain anymore? By all right this should be your command, not mine.” Henry asked, after taking one last look around to verify they were still alone around the system map.
Commander Alvarez seemed stunned for a moment before he settled into a more pensive look.
“Listen, son, you're all full of the vigor and high passions of youth. By that I mean you've got a certain fire and aggression in you, yet I've seen you keep it balanced by wit and wisdom. You are a perfect match for the job, even if you could use some more real world experience. With some guidance, you'll do just fine, if you can keep strict standards for yourself and crew and a cool head when things get tough. I... got a lot of damn good men and women killed in an impossible situation when we lost the Michigan-II, and I never truly got over it. No amount of medals, captured enemy ships, or the fact that I've saved many more lives than I lost can make up for that. I finally found peace with that, but that peace required that I relieve myself of any chance of future command. My legacy, for better or worse, is set in stone. Joining this expedition gives me another chance at adjusting the scales without breaking my former vows, even if the only people who will ever know it are here on the voyage with us.”
“So, you claim you have no aims or desires for leadership, but here you are a mere heartbeat away from it.” Henry said, carefully studying his executive officer's every reaction.
“My time for glory is mostly gone, yours is at your feet before you. To the world, I am retired in comfort and isolation. In reality you have me here to help make your will law. You can relax. I already turned down command of this expedition. I was plan A, why do you think they had to scramble to find you? I will take command of this mission only if you are incapable of doing so yourself, Sir. In the meantime, let my experience and whatever wisdom I can offer guide you.”
An emergency alert snapped both of their attention out of their conversation. "There's a fire in one of the officer's cabins?!" Henry’s pulse quickened as he referenced the map to find which one.
“Fuck, it started in Chantal’s room!” Henry said, horrified.
“I've got the CIC under control. Go on and get her, I'll ensure help is on the way!”
“Thank you, Commander.” Henry called back over his shoulder as he rushed for the quick lift.
The officer cabins were the in the very next deck overhead, so he was able to arrive quickly and break into a sprint. The ship shifted as it dodged some antimatter, causing Henry to slip and scramble back to his feet. As he rounded the corner he saw her door was closed and the keypad powered was off. He could hear thumps and muffled screaming from within the room.
"HANG ON CHANTAL, I'M COMING!" Henry shouted in the hope that she could hear him as he pried at the manual override panel.
Two modified Paladin exo-combat armor suits rounded the corner seconds later with a hospitalman trailing behind pushing a medical cart.
"WE'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE, SIR." A speaker-amplified voice spoke from behind him.
One of the Paladin suits accessed the manual control override and forced the door open enough for the other suit to reach in and pry it the rest of the way open as smoke plumed into the corridor. The second suit charged into the room with its flood lights on as a water cannon mounted on the right wrist sprayed flame retardant from a pack on its back. The first suit abandoned the door control and entered, emerging moments later with Chantal awake and coughing from inside the darkened door frame. She was quickly ushered into cleaner air, set gently down, wrapped in a blanket, and was quickly attended to by a hospitalman who began to check her vitals.
Relief flooded Henry’s mind as his adrenaline surge broke against the wall of worry he had built up during his mad dash from the CIC.
“Baby you came for me! I honestly thought I was going to die for a moment in there." She pulled him into a tight embrace as she wept in cathartic release.
"Of course I did! I couldn't stand to lose you, especially not over something like this. So, what the hell happened in there?"
"Well you know me, I was all burning the midnight oil and then I smelled smoke! Then there were some sparks, the outlet pops then whoosh! My computer station and my desk are all ablaze along with half my notes, then the damned door wouldn't work! I had to drop to the floor under the smoke and pound on the door in hopes that someone would hear me. God, it was horrible... I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life." She replied with a deep shudder.
"You're safe now, it's going to be alright."
"I know, but what about my work?" She replied with a forlorn look back at her smoke damaged room.
"What about your work?"
"As you know, I lost a ton of it just now, but what’s worse is I don't even have the ability to recover them! Remember how I lost my backup drive last week? Like, I know I packed it and it is not here anywhere! It’s like some sick cosmic joke on me or something. Sorry! Gotta keep it positive, girl! I get to rethink my last few weeks’ worth of work from scratch... that was almost positive! I probably have most of this recoverable from email sent box backups. Fuck, what do you do if there's no good silver lining?” Chantal bemoaned.
Henry couldn’t help himself but laugh for a second, while his girlfriend stared at him, waiting for a response.
“I’m sorry, is this funny to you or something?”
“No, no of course not. This might be one of those times where the only silver lining is that you're alive. Plus, if anyone can remember and rebuild their notes, you can." Henry smiled down at her.
“Fine, fine, at least I am alive. I was only breathing smoke for a few seconds after all.” She said, rolling her eyes. “Thank you for rushing down here right away anyway, it means a lot. You're amazing, you know.”
Henry smiled, slightly uncomfortable for a moment, so he changed the subject.
“I do my best... Anyway, it seems like these electrical issues seem to be getting worse instead of better. Whatever patch these clowns have slapped on my ship to get her to pass inspection is clearly coming undone. What do you think is going on here?” Henry asked in mild exasperation.
“Honestly, I can’t tell you without digging into the systems myself, which I would rather avoid. My plate is full enough as it is right now, especially having to reproduce so much of my own work now. This ship has kilometers of power cables running throughout it, after all, and you have an entire loyal, capable team down there in electrical, so it should only be a matter of time before they sort it out for you. Let them do their jobs without harassing them too much, please?”
Henry felt a little irked at her for not giving him credit to know not to go overboard, but he stowed it, seeing as she was right.
“The crew has been under a lot of stress, too, having technical issues with the lights going out, or losing power to workstations. More than a few people have tried to convince me to turn us around and return to S33 for a more in-depth refit and repair cycle before we try the mission again. So far, everyone has accepted the fact that we are not turning back now without much argument, but I fear what may happen if these issues are seen as getting worse. Our orders are clear, though, we must continue the journey.” Henry said, uncomfortable with the implications, even if he didn't dare voice it.
“You should get on the Q-Comm to report the fire to S33. Maybe they will order us back to base after this.” She offered, looking for a solution to an impossible problem.
“Good idea, at least the Q-Comm is still working. It’s incredible to me those particles maintained their entanglement once we passed through the baryonic barrier. That alone has been a huge morale boost, being able to contact home base with no time lag.” Henry replied.
“It’s incredible to you because you only have a basic grasp of the science, hon. But that’s alright, very few people truly understand it. That’s in part what you have me here for anyway. Einstein called the effect spooky action from a distance; I always liked that line.”
Henry ran his fingers through his hair and looked at Chantal, with a shake of his head and a smile.
“Listen, Henry, I just had a crazy stressful experience and I need to unwind. Plus, I haven’t slept in almost a day, so I am bone tired. Let’s go to bed, huh? What do you say doc, am I clear to go?” Chantal asked.
The hospitalman closed her eyes and shook her head before responding. "Yes, you are cleared to rest, only to rest, do you understand me?"
Chantal mouthed a thank you before she took Henry by the hand and led him off to the captain’s quarters. Henry felt no desire to fight it, nor flaw with her reasoning. Sleep sounded good, really good. Plus, he was about an hour from the start of his sleep shift anyway, and Alvarez had the CIC well covered. The lights flickered again, but Henry very purposefully ignored it.
“Hey, since we have a little time and we are both a little wound up, Why don’t we take a shower together real quick?” She said with genuine enthusiasm and a wink.
“Madam, I like the way you think.” The couple raced just a bit faster than regulations would have liked, and arrived at his door in record speed. Inside the room they fell upon each other in great passion and need, stripping each other out of their BDU’s and underclothes. Henry tossed a giggling Chantal onto the bed, kissing her neck and nibbling on her ear causing her to purr in anticipation before he moved down her chest, past her navel, and then eagerly began to move his kisses in between her thighs.
“Hah…. I haven’t showered. Are you sure? Oooookay! I think…. Hah…. Okay.” She said breathlessly as Henry began to work his tongue until she began to shiver and squirm before she cried out and melted in his mouth.
“Enough, please, I can’t take it anymore! Just fuck me already!” Chantal pulled herself together enough to beg for it. Henry stood rigid and ready and set himself to granting her request, first slowly, and with a growing intensity. She once more began to squirm as he paid close attention to her hip’s cues, knowing very well by now what she liked.
As she climaxed again, Henry lifted her from the bed and pushed her up against the wall, and then bent her over his desk for a bit before he could take it no longer and they finished together.
“Holy shit… my legs aren’t gonna work for a bit after that one. Help me up?” Chantal said in between shallow breaths.
“Yes, ma’am. It would be my pleasure.” Henry said as he helped her to her feet and into the shower, staying in longer than was strictly necessary.
Henry left the steam first, once more thankful that his cabin included its own small bathroom, rather than a communal one. Being captain had its perks, after all. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist, then handed another to Chantal who gratefully accepted it before it dropped to the ground as she stared straight past him.
“Henry!" She squeaked as she pointed past him.
"What?" Henry asked, confused.
"Henry, someone was in here!”
On their bathroom mirror, wiped from the steam were the words TURN BACK.
Henry's blood ran cold and his adrenaline spiked him into overdrive. He waved Chantal back into the shower and put his finger to his lips. She nodded then wrapped herself in her retrieved towel and dropped to the shower floor with her arms wrapped around her knees, whimpering slightly. Henry moved silently along the wall, watching the visible half of his room for any movement. He then burst round the door frame, only to find everything perfectly, precisely as they had left it. The shock of finding nothing collided with the spike of his adrenaline surge, which only fed his growing unease.
“There’s nobody here!” Henry called out after checking the closet, the only other place someone could have hidden.
“Did you lock the door?” Chantal asked, her mind already working on the mystery.
“I set the security protocol to auto lock every time it closes.”
“Paul. We need to talk to Paul.” Chantal said, squeezing her BDU’s up over her hips with a few hops. Henry pulled on his undershirt before tossing over hers.
“Why would we want to bring that weasel into this?” Henry asked, incredulous at to how he could possibly help.
“Because he has access to the surveillance tapes, why else?”
Henry stared at Chantal, brimming with rage, trying his hardest to keep it isolated to Paul over the invasion of his privacy.
“Did you just say surveillance tapes!?!” Henry asked in an icy tone. “That does it, I’m going to strangle him.” Henry said, moving with a purpose toward the door.
“Stop. Turn around and give me a kiss. I already disabled the video cameras, at least all the ones I could find. He has audio at best, even that I doubt. What he does have that I want is the data from the motion sensor that he had installed just in case you found the more obvious bugs. Unfortunately, I sabotaged its effectiveness by blocking the sensor with dense foam, but there might be enough of something to give us a clue."
“How in the hell do you know about all of this anyway, and why the hell didn’t you tell me?!” Henry roared.
“This entire enterprise is run by an intelligence agency; how can you not have seen that one coming a mile away? I have gotten very good at catching bugs over the years. Just because I expect the invasion of privacy to be happening, doesn’t mean I have to make it easy on them.” She replied firmly while staring him in the eyes with raised eyebrows.
“You’re incredible, I love you.” Henry blurted out before he could catch himself. Chantal beamed and tackled him to the bed sitting on his lap.
“What took you so long? Never mind, don’t answer that. I love you too, I have wanted to say that one for a while now.”
“You know these things aren’t easy for me. I had to be sure, I also didn’t want to mess anything up. We need to be able to work together even if we had turned out to be a bad couple.” Henry admitted, Chantal made an show as she thought it over, but she then smiled and helped Henry to his feet.
“Alright, my captain. You speak great wisdom. While I have certainly felt, and thoroughly enjoyed, the depths of your passion, it is really nice to hear about it too. I do think it makes it all the better that you rule said passion with reason. It’s one of the many things I love about you.” She said, laying her hand over his heart.
Henry took her other hand and kissed it before replying. “I think above all, I wanted to make sure that I didn’t take you for granted, nor suffer the same in reverse. A wise woman once gave me some great advice there that I have taken to heart.”
“Okay, Romeo, maybe you have a better handle on these things than you think. Now… Let’s go interrogate Paul.” Chantal had a fire in her eyes that Henry was loving very much at that moment.
“I have wanted to turn the screws on that spook for a while now.” Henry smiled as he spoke, and he opened up the connection to the ship’s intranet through his neural implant to send a message.
MEET ME IN YOUR QUARTERS IN 5 MINUTES FOR A DISCUSSION OF CRITICAL IMPORTANCE – CPT. O'TOOLE
“That ought to get him there and alone.” Henry smirked. “Let’s go.”
Together, they made their way to Paul’s equivalent-sized quarters, which he had somehow secured for himself in the ship design to help facilitate his role as the official thorn in Henry’s paw. I guess being the captain’s handler has its perks as well. Henry’s eye twitched at the corner.
After making them wait far too long, Paul opened the door and gesturing them inside. The door closed and Paul turned towards them, narrowing his eyes, studying them both.
“Is this about the fire?” Paul asked before Henry punched the weasel right in the diaphragm, forcing him to gasp for air. The look of shock on his face as he bent forwards was priceless.
“What the fuck, Henry!?” Paul managed to choke out after a minute between gasps.
“Relax, I didn’t do any permanent damage, yet.” Henry said, Paul for just a second showed actual fear in his eyes before he sneered in defiance. “Oh? That got your attention, did it? Why were you spying on me?” Henry growled.
Paul closed his eyes, dropped his head, and began to laugh before Henry grabbed him by the throat and slammed him into the wall. Foolishly, Paul even then kept laughing amidst the gasping. So Henry squeezed until Paul started slapping his arm, looking genuine fear once more growing across his face.
“Orders… I was following orders!” Paul managed to say amidst gasps and coughs.
“I thought it might be something like that. You're going to open up those files, now, and you're going to show me everything.” Henry said, dropping him to his feet at last.
“Fucking hell, Henry, I thought you of all people would have anticipated this was going to be the case. Do you think the people who made this all possible would simply let you fly around the most dangerous, advanced warship in human history without some insurance?”
“Don’t try and weasel out of your own personal culpability here. You may also want to think back to other people who were “only following orders” while performing acts they knew were wrong before you wave that line around like some get out of jail free card.” The fact that he had nothing to say spoke volumes.
“You should have told me Paul.” Henry growled.
“That defeats the purpose! Plus, your girlfriend sabotaged them all before we ever left S33 anyway, and once more after! That type of tech doesn’t just grow on trees you know, and I don’t have an unlimited supply. You should be thanking me for covering for her and reporting back like things are normal!” Paul shouted in indignation.
“This is pointless, show me the files from around fifteen minutes ago, motion trackers, thermals, anything you have that's not blocked or sabotaged.” Henry commanded. Paul’s eyes narrowed, but after a long moment he huffed and closed his eyes. Paul then sat down at his station and fired it up.
“Like I said, I've got practically nothing. No video, muffled audio and readings from what I assume to be a faulty motion sensor, that’s it. What are we looking for?”
“Chantal and I were, well, together. After we got out of the shower we saw that someone had written turn back in the condensation on the bathroom mirror. Only problem? My door auto locks when closed and only opens for my biometrics. That is why all of this even came up in the first place.”
“Motherfucker. That's a whole heap of bad news.” Paul said. Henry merely nodded, paying rather more attention to the screen to see if he could catch Paul in a lie about the extent of the spying.
“There’s nothing. No disturbances in the air that would even remotely resemble human movement between you two getting in the shower and you charging into your bedroom. With the noise of the shower and the distance to the microphone, there is nothing I can discern that is anomalous. You can see it all right here for yourself.”
Henry found himself even more confused and alarmed than before.
“How is that possible? Look again, run through some filters or something. There must be some evidence somewhere!”
“Alright, relax, I will get to work on this and get you a report by the end of C shift. In the meantime, you look like a mess. Get some sleep man! I can take care of it from here. Oh, and I want you to remember that I forgave you quite magnanimously for that little episode back there where you attacked me.” Henry and Chantal gave each other a look as Paul spoke.
“Wasn’t gonna apologize anyway, you had it coming. I’m going to hit the rack. I expect that report to be detailed and ready when I get up.” Henry took Chantal by the hand, and they left together, not waiting for a response.
“What a snake. Did you see him in there? Zero guilt or recognition whatsoever about spying like that. It just makes my skin crawl. Gives me bad memories.” Chantal said, turning pensive and quiet.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Henry asked, seeing that there was something clearly bothering her.
“I… had an uncle that lived with us from time to time and he would spy on me when I was dressing, try and sneak looks in the shower, stuff like that. Never touched me or anyone else that I know of, thank god, but man did it screw me up a bit still. Played havoc with my sense of security and even my sanity, never being quite sure it was real. I wish I had said something, but I was afraid everyone would think I was overreacting or imagining it. I saw it in his eyes though, that look of... predatory lust. At least I didn't see anything like that in Paul's eyes. To this day it makes my skin crawl.”
“Good God, I can see how alone you must have felt in the middle of all that.” He squeezed her hand, she smiled up at him.
“Yeah, that was one of the hardest parts. I don’t think Paul is some raging pervert or anything, but it concerns me how normal it was to him. Even if he isn’t being a creep with it, as if we can take his claims to be covering for me at face value. There is still no way I am going to let him have easy access to intimate videos of us, if I can possibly help it.” Chantal said before adding, “I’ll be all right, don’t worry about me. Let’s just get some sleep.”
Henry put his palm against the biometric scanner outside his room and the door slid open for them. They definitely needed some sleep after the emotional roller coaster of the past few hours, and the irresistible warm embrace of his bed called for him. The Q-Comm report could wait until he woke, he decided. Better to have the electrical inspection done too.
I WANT A FULL REPORT AND INSPECTION PERFORMED ON THE ELECTRICAL FIRE IN CHANTAL’S ROOM BY THE START OF A SHIFT. – CAPT. O'TOOLE
Good enough. Henry thought as he sent the message. Now he could sleep. The chief would handle it.
SEVERAL HOURS LATER…
DATE : MARCH 10th, 7 A.U. LOCATION: SOL SYSTEM, ABOARD UTRN INDOMITABLE WILL
FIREMAN APPRENTICE SARAH CALLAHAN
It'll be back again tonight...
Sarah’s haunted thoughts repeated like a mantra. She had to be ready, but how? Her skin crawled and itched, the long sleeves of her BDU’s prevented her from being able to do anything about the painful sensation from the inflamed scratches they hid. She blearily rubbed at her sunken eyes, and she drained the rest of her coffee. All the numbers on the screen had started bleeding in together and her eyes hurt horribly, with the throbbing pain in her abdomen only compounding her misery.
“My god, Sarah, you look a wreck, hon. How have you been sleeping?” Yvonne, her shift partner asked, with concern in her voice.
“I have a monster tension headache, if the meds are going to kick in, I hope it’s soon. Can you check my math? I need to get out of these white lights for a few minutes. Close my eyes for a bit, something, anything. I've been having nightmares again.” Sarah felt good, being able to admit it, and Yvonne had long since proven her friendship, so it was easier to actually speak.
“Yeah, no prob. As soon as I am done here I will check your readings and we can get out of here. Do you mean nightmares from the invasion?” Yvonne asked, carefully picking her words and tone.
“Kind of the same general themes, but different. Everything is going wrong, like the worst possible outcomes of my worst nightmares are all combining together. Like, it feels malicious, I don't know, its hard to explain...” Sarah said, bleakly.
“That’s hard, I am sorry. You need a shower, and an uninterrupted nap. Sleep deprivation plays all kinds of hell on the body and mind. I had a friend who went through an insomniac phase so extreme he would go days without sleeping. Wound up in the hospital after trying to drive to work while hallucinating his dead fiancée was sitting in the passenger seat screaming at him to watch out. Wound up rear-ending the car in front of him. Thank God he lived to tell the tale, but that is why it worries me to see you like this.” Yvonne planted her hand on Sarah’s shoulder as she told the story.
“Yikes, I think I slept like two hours into my sleep shift before I started having the nightmares again, woke up, and passed in and out of some restless sleep. It got really bad around oh three hundred. There were sounds... noises like scratching and a loud bang, and the shadows were moving. I just kept feeling like I was being watched, but everyone else seemed to be having disturbed sleep in their bunks. God, it was a creepy feeling.” Sarah took a moment to compose herself.
“I know how crazy this will sound, maybe that I am sleep deprived and likely hallucinating like your friend, but just hear me out. There was something there Yvonne, in the dark at the edge of perception, I could feel it. I also know I wasn’t the only one tossing and turning either. I could also hear scratchy whispering, too. I just hid, strapped in under the weighted blanket. At some point I slept some more, I must have, but not for what felt like a few stressful and draining hours. I'm just making a total mess of explaining this, aren’t I?”
“No, you're fine, girl! I am sorry that happened, my dorm has been pretty quiet, but I have always slept like a rock. Is there anything I can do?”
“I could use a hug.” Sarah said, which caused Yvonne to laugh, breaking some of the tension. They embraced warmly for a good minute, which did wonders for relieving some of the headache and her black mood.
“Thanks, Yvonne, I know it’s all in my head and it’s a vicious feedback cycle due to lack of quality sleep. Thanks for listening without calling me crazy.“ Sarah said, shying away from the last thing she hadn’t the courage to say.
She didn’t dare mention how she had hidden under the covers as she felt it get near. How she had felt something pushing on the mattress. How as her fear peaked, she herself peeked over the covers to find nothing there just to have the oppressive feeling evaporate along with the sensation of pressure by her feet. Her dorm mates all seemed to stop stirring after that, and only then did the nightmares stop for her that night. By then she was left with barely enough time for one last short sleep cycle before the start of A shift that very morning. This was a secret she would have to keep to herself, nobody would believe her anyway.
“I think I'll ask the Chief for a break from my duties today to rest and to visit med bay. Maybe they can give me something to help catch back up on my sleep.” Sarah said.
“Good idea, can I come with? I’ll back you up.” Yvonne said. Sarah smiled at her friend before she nodded at her before they checked off the last of their duties on site and headed away to find the Chief.

Hi! I’m new-ish to reddit, but this has been weighing on me. All names are changed for the sake of the story. My ex (19) Sam and I (19f) started dating when we were juniors in highschool. I had gotten out of a horribly abusive relationship, and we were already close friends. Aside from friend group drama, our relationship was great. We were head over heels in love, and had plenty of mutual friends.
Fast forward 1 year to the night before my 18th birthday. We heard about a house party and ended up going. They had invited their friend, Alex (20), to tag along. This wouldn’t have bothered me, but they invited them before they invited me, and only invited me when I practically asked to be invited. Later in the night, we all got pretty drunk. I’ll preface this by saying that Sam and I were in an open relationship sexually, but not romantically. Alex, Sam and I all ended up hooking up. I befriended Alex, and we started hanging out often as a trio.
I then found out from someone else that Sam and Alex had been hooking up, which was not the agreement of our relationship. The agreement was that if either one of us wanted to sleep with someone, we should tell the other before the fact. I manage to move past this after a very long conversation about trust.
A few months later, Alex ghosts me because I made a joke that made them uncomfortable. I tell them that I wished they would have told me, but understood, and I wouldn’t want to continue the friendship either if they were the type of person to drop someone without an explanation like that. That’s that. Still, Sam and Alex are hooking up.
Eventually, I tell Sam that as their girlfriend I don’t feel comfortable with the fact that they are hooking up with Alex, who has made it very obvious that they don’t like me by actively talking shit about me. I tell them that, as a matter of fact, I don’t like that they’re still friends with them. Sam says they don’t have many friends, and that Alex is their best friend and the person that they trust the most in the world, with anything and everything.
I’m convinced Alex has feelings for Sam, and a mutual friend of mine and Sam’s, and formerly Alex’s, even tells me that Alex has been raving about how Sam is the best sex of their life, and that Sam is so hot, and so perfect, and they’re being completely obsessive about Sam. I also bring this up. Nothing happens, and Sam and Alex remain friends, but stop hooking up.
Then, one day I’m talking to Sam, and ask what they’re doing. They say they’re at home, but we had gotten Life360 for fun, and I remember seeing that they left home, so I check. Then I see that they’re at Planned Parenthood, right by my house. I ask, and they reveal that they’re taking Alex to an appointment. I ask why, and they say it’s personal. I tell them that that’s really suspicious.
By this point Sam is staying at Alex’s almost nightly, seeing them 4-6 times a week, and I only see them 1-3 times a week. When they’re at Alex’s house, they’re ignoring me all day, never texting me, and when they do talk to me they’re drunk all the time. I talk to them about this, and they say that Alex is their best friend, and all the same stuff as before. Sam and I are fighting more and more because they take Alex out to events, post Alex all the time, and never do the same for me.
Eventually, right before Valentine’s day, I tell them that I think they’re having an emotional affair, and I need them to treat me like they’re my partner, not Alex’s. After this fight, we break up mutually, and they say that nothing I say makes sense and I was entirely paranoid. We had attempted to stay friends, but currently are no contact. Am I the asshole?
PS - this is SUPER simplified, I’m happy to answer clarifying questions.

Hi everyone, this is my first post here!
I really need to talk to someone about my situation, I appreciate any feedback, encouragment, tools, book suggestions, etc.
Summary: I am low-contact (almost NC) with my parents and I feel very guilty about it.
How can you stay firm in your decision and find comfort in your friends? I feel I am the only person going through something this massive and I cannot stop thinking I am a horrible person for doing this to my parents.
Context:
I have been going low-almost no contact with both of my parents since July 2023 after something pretty bad happened.
Our relationship was always pretty bad, but in the past I have tried so hard to "fix myself" to make things work between us. I started to go to the school therapist at 14 (on my own, my parents never suggested it).
I am now 41.
From the outside, I had everything (financially we were pretty OK), but inside the house it was hell: screaming, shouting, loneliness. I was my mom's therapist from a very young age. My needs and my personal opinions were never considered.
I was scapegoated pretty early because I never complied to their view of the world (I am unmarried, atheist, no childred) and I had pretty "radical" views at the time (I now live in the UK, but I originally come from a very catholic country...).
I was the problem in my family, the only thing that was bad according to them.
I was not able to express my interests or my personal preferences, because they were "bad" and I was labelled as being the bad one ("why you are not like the other kids, what is wrong with you").
I was a very diligent student (classic over-achiever), but very lonely and had pretty severe anxiety (about school, about what was going home at home, etc...) and some learning difficulties, for which I never received any help for.
I discovered three years ago after a pretty severe burnout that I have ADHD and 6 months ago that I am also autistic. Very high-masking. My life collapsed after this burnout: I understood my job and working environment were pretty toxic, lost a bunch of friends, discovered I also had C-PTSD.
I am now in recovering and trying topivot to a new career path: I feel very privildged that I can count on my savings to sustain my recovery, though it is still pretty hard.
Problem:
My mother definitely needs mental health support (she never wanted to get help), she drinks and she has very violent ourbursts. She also lies and manipulates people (including my dad and I of course). She plays the victim, but in reality she controls the family. She is really unhappy and she cannot keep any friendships, she needs someone that will not
My dad's power is money. My mom stopped working when she met him, and of course she couldn't leave him and find a job. My dad also controlled me with money, but not anymore.
Even though over the past 6 years I started to go low contact (gradually, it took me many years to process their narcissism), last year one was my last straw: I asked my mom help for my autistic assessment (not telling her what was the form was for, I had to protect myself ) and she became incredibly angry and nasty at me, starting describing me as the most horrible child on earth (for the UK ASD assessment, they ask you a lot of info about your childhood, etc).
That was my last straw. I went no contact after that. I was going through an incredibly stressful moment in my life (burnout, 2 ND diagnoses, 2 intercontinental moves in less than 1 year and a half, losing friends and my job, etc) and still you don't want to help me. I never asked for help from her for anything, but I needed this and still she used it to remind me "what a difficult child I was". Well, I was neurodivergent, of course I needed help!!
They tried to contact me a couple of times, my dad defended her (despite the fact he was not present) and again telling me I was a horrible child and human being ("you have no compassion, we are old, you will regret it, you would have never get so far in life without our help, you are so ungrateful, etc....").
We had a conversation without her and he confessed me that my mom has severe mental health problems, and that I needed to live my life and be happy.
I managed to stay no contact, only talked to them for some burocratic things. I felt better and free for the first time.
The previous Sunday it was Mother's day, and I didn't call my mom. This is the first time I decided not to do it.
My dad called me the day after and he went so mad, accusing me again of being ungrateful and a horrible human being ("the other children are so lovely with their parents, why you are not like them", "you never hugged us", "therapy made you worse than before").
I am not copying well.
This is not obviously the first time they said these things (they were pretty regular growing up), but they still hit hard.
I know I am doing the right thing, but I feel very lonely and guilty. I love my parents, and I feel for them: they need help. I offered multiple times to go to therapy with them, to help to find therapy for them, any kind of help but my parents refused and still refuse it. My dad says that therapy is useless and made me worst.
He doesn't want to acknowledge my mom is an alcoholic. He doesn't want to get help for himself. He of course does not remember the conversation we had about my mom mental health, and negates she has problems.
I am worried for them, and I want to help, but I need to help myself first.
I have no words left, I just want to be OK and happy.
I know it is a very long post, but if you managed to stick with me, thank you!
P.s. I have been to therapy, I have plenty of tools. I just feel awful and I needed to vent because my support system is not enough and I feel I am the only one going through this. I know I am not.
P.s.1 I hope I didn't left any incompleted sentences: if I'll spot one, I'll edit it, and please let me know!

Somewhere along the line, I started dreaming of a simpler life. Somewhere in between the chaos of trying to keep up with the newest cellphones and better improved car engines. In between the lines of dollar signs and cheap perfume, it stopped feeling like the purpose. A woven blanket on the porch with good conversation. The smell of the pizza oven and wood from the forest. A few fluffy sheep thats grazing around. And Wild flowers in the front yard growing wildly without guidelines. Pasta with fresh Chicken eggs made from scratch. Driving a 1957 red Chevrolet old pick up truck. To the old town where the locals had there own business, and there was enough for everyone. I imagine the town looking like The virgin River. a dog that would go with me everywhere With a little boy running around with blond hair and blue eyes just like my mama’s. On cold days I would make hot chocolate with little marshmallows and I’ll watch my family’s eyes light up. and somewhere along the lines I realised peace was my new purpose. Happiness my new success. And somewhere along the lines my definition of Rich has changed.

Ever since i've been a child i've had these dreams about a man, its like im awake but dont realise i aint awake?? first dream i had was when i was 7-8. i was in my childhood room, keep in mind i cannot sleep for the life of me, and at that time i didnt have sleeping pills. so i was doing my normal playing with plushies late night game. my room was on the second floor and i lived in a small town, my house was ontop of a mountian with a big forest right outside my window. but a small road just before it. as i looked out it was raining, the small light coming from the street light but it was flickering cuz it was old, i watched the rain drop but got an uneasy feeling as i looked further into the forest i saw him, he was a man, tall, strong but not too strong to it being his only feature. he looked like a normal man. his left hand had an axe. and i started to sweat as he walked slowly towards my house. stopping under the dim light. then up the driveway, then watched me like i watched him. he threw the axe at my window, and i must've woken up, but i didnt realize i was dreaming it, so i fell off my bed and ran to my parents room yelling at them that 'hes here' and call the cops. i still to this day dont remember it being a dream.
as some time went by, i didnt sleep at all. but only night i fell asleep, but woke up to an uneasy feeling like the first dream. then i heard it, our doorbell. i somehow didnt get scared and just walked downstairs, knowing he was there. i opened our door, and walked out. it was propally in the middle of the night cuz it was fully dark. i started to walk towards the forest. knowing he was there. my ma stopped me. asking the hell i was doing. i straight up told her 'hes here' but then realised what i was doing. keep in mind, i was too scared as a kid to even leave my bed at night. i still dont get how i just walked out of the house without sobbing.
my dreams slowed down. i felt uneasy sometimes but kept telling myself it was a dream and i was okay, even tho i was actually awake. it fully went away in some years, moslty cuz i never slept. but when i moved to a diffrent place he came back. first one after a while was while i was babysitting this dog for two weeks, he had been there for a week atleast at that point. i woke up and went upstairs, sitting on the arm rest on my sofa and scratching the austrelian sheperds ears. he was pretty big so he was perfect height for it, but then he got a freaked out face on. like he knew someone was there but didnt dare to look. i was confused and got the uneasy feeling again, i looked over at this corner, as i look down i saw two shoes. and i know for a fact no one was home cuz it was summer break and everyone in my fam was at work. i didnt say a word, my breath stopped as i saw the shoes move a bit. then i woke up, with a full on panic attack. it felt so real.
some days later i dreamt another dream. it felt so real, i was doing my morning rutine, but when i came to the living room which is upstairs. i saw my whole family, mom, dad, and my big brother. they were towering over something on the floor. it was an dark aura around it as i kept asking them why there were home and not at work. but they had the same as the dog in the other dream had. i looked more down. the shoes were at the floor with some jakcet over them. but then somone started to crawl out of it, hands gripping the floor as it came to life. and i woke up.
after that he kept coming. one dream i had was while i was sleeping at my aunts in my childhood city. i dreamt like i was walking back to my old house, going to check it out. but when i came there, all the windows, door and carage was fully open and fully dark inside. all our stuff was thrown out of the house laying at the drive way. i went up and kncoked on the wall next to the open door. no one came so i turned around going to leave. but when i turned around someone grabbed me, dragging me inside the dark empty house. i looked down as it happened and then i saw it again, those shoes.
im starting to lose track on what happens after what, but i remeber always feeling awake as it happens, to the point i dont know if im awake or dreaming anymore. ive had plenty of dreams of just living and then seeing him stareing. then waking up. i wont name them all but imma name the worst ones.
still during the summer i was laying in my bed, my room is very small, and my window is next to my bed, but i got curtains over the window to block the sun light, i was watching tiktok as i layd there, but then i got that uneasy feeling again, i looked to my door, and the light in the hallway made it easy to see two shoes blocking the light. i sat more up, grabbing some scissors i had next to my bed on my desk. as i sat started to sit even more up i heard knocking on my window, i fully turned my eyes there, and it was a gap just with the curtians enough to see some of the window, and there he was sititng, leaning down to meet my gaze. same shoes as always. i woke up in a panic. i didnt even know if i was awake or not. but i looked towards my window, and it was a gap with my curtians, its never a gap there cuz its creepy.
Another dream i had was that me and my family was at this place, my pa was sunbathing and i was chilling inside. its like a hotell. i kept going out to check on my dad as it started to get dark and i got an uneasy feeling. i knew something would happen. as i went out again, i found my dad laying on his sunchair, only that his limbs had been awfully ripped off. just where is knees started his leg stopped, just where his elbow started his arm stopped. and he had that look on his face like in the others dreams whenever someone saw him. i ran inside agsin and got met by his gaze as i woke up in panic. i ran to my parents room as they were dead asleep. but i needed to check if it was real cuz it felt so real.
im seeing that im writing a lot so imma just hurry up with the newest ones.
one dream i was back at my childhood home, i was with my two friends from there as we were playing in some tunnels made from WW2. me and my friend was supposed to find our other friend cuz he ran away somewhere. but as we looked she also dissepeared. i looked around. i saw some stairs, i know exaclty where i am and is 100& i was there, the stairs leads you to the dakrest point of the tunnel, its like your eyes are closed cuz its fully dark, as i went down i stood still for a second trying to hear them. but only thing i heard was the mans heavy breathing. in every damn dream he has this heavy breathing. i woke up with a scream as i dreamt that.
this is the newest one, only last week i dreamt of him again.
i was biking to my nearest shop for a drink, as i went back my bike had stopped cuz something happened with it, it does that sometimes. so i walked instead. it was fully dark outside and raning just so slightly. but as i looked forward in the small street, i saw him walking towards me. his head slighty turned to his side like hes watching me. with a knife in his left hand. i woke up with my breath knocked out of me, i went out again with a friend, we were getting some snacks to watch a movie, it was late, so it was dark. she sat behind me on my bike as we biked the same way i did in my dream. i got like a deja vu from my dream. but i was awake for sure, cuz i had already dreamt. but then i saw him again. the sight made me crash the bike into a small hole. she fell off as well did i. i quickly sat up a bit and went to help her sit up from the fall. but then as i was helping her i felt that uneasy feeling. but i didnt turn. her face went like everyones face whenever they see him. i didnt have time to turn. the knife he held in the other dream went straight into her collarbones. i turned around in fear only to be met by him sitting close to me, watching me with a damn mask on, the mask is fully black wiht a white lines a cross of it with some 2-3 other small lines over it. i had, had a double dream. it felt so unreal. and i never know if im awake anymore.
i went to a therapist for it one time cuz i hadnt slept for two week straight, and my parents got worried, and they tried to sign me up for pills. but i told them i was getitng better cuz i didnt wanna take pills and get worse.
PS. one dream i had was that i was in school, i had a morning rutine. getting ready, biking down there, sititng in fucking math class, learning math!! but then i got an uneasy feeling as i saw him just stand next to the door to the classroom watching me. that was an annoying dream cuz when i woke up i actually had to do it all over again.
but he seems to alwyas hurt people i know but never seems to hurt me, just stare, watching or some touches. ive had one dream where he shot my two best childhood friends in my old woods at where i used to live. it felt so real, i saw their pain as i hid behind a rock, as he just shot them with a hunting gun. and while they're brains were dripping everywhere he just stared at me and walked closer till i wake up.
i srs dont know what is happening, its creepy and idk if im dreaming or awake anymore. i be hanging with friends but get the uneasy feeling and just run off. into the woods or hide or legit start to sob.

I wasn't quite sure how to word the title, but this is aimed at the phrases we have heard 1000 times. How social media has set unrealistic expectations, how all people care about is followers. How it's made dating difficult and surface level. I've heard men rag on feminist culture and women rag on "red pill" culture and "alpha" content creators. I know this stuff is said way more online but I do legitimately hear it day to day as well.
The thing is I think we all spot light the minorities and seem to forget that 95% of people are pretty much completely normal with no extreme views. Yes there's tons of people who privately hold these beliefs but it's not their personality and barely affects their day to day life. I meet alot of people through work and my friend groups are very social and always bringing new faces to parties and outings. Most girls arnt just walking around talking about their instagram followers for example. I've never once been asked "how many followers do YOU have?". Also everybody who isn't stupid or a child KNOWS all the shit you see online is often unrealistic. It's just that these thoughts and opinions get way more spotlighted online and SEEM way more prevalent than they actually are. MOST people just work 9-5, go out with friends and settle down with a family just like regular people and don't have all these toxic thoughts and standards people say "EVERYBODY" has these days.
I will quickly say though that it is a little more concerning for children. As alot of us in our 20s-30s got to grow up and develop without social media so likely arnt as "poisoned". But we still saw heavily edited models in magazines and films. We still saw heavily muscled men in cartoons and movies. But most of us like me, use social media mostly to message friends, and watch funny clips or follow our interests. It isn't our lives. It only makes my life easiemore enjoyable/informative.
I dont want to write forever but quickly touching on dating, I WILL agree people are more disposable than ever. It's so fucking easy to find the slightest flaw with a date and just bin them and sort through the near endless pile. When I was younger before internet was as big I had like 50-100 girls my age in my life and if I didn't like at least one of them that was bad luck since I didn't have others to pick from. It made you much more accepting of things and willing to compromise. But there still are TONS of people out there to meet organically without having the huge pressures of online dating. I personally have never used apps before and never had a problem.
TLDR - The bad parts of social media, online dating and internet in general are put in the spotlight and most people are actually just as normal as they were 10-20 years ago. In fact I'd say people are more aware and educated than they ever were.

i'm 19. yeah bla bla i feel i alone i feel unloved i feel like a flaw and thats it. i struggled my entire teenage years just trying to be okay with myself and people around me but it doesn't matter. ive made about 23/25 treatments with different professionals since im 8, therapy is something i always look forward to help me but my meds only work for me 3 months or less. thankfully i am self aware of my behavior, i dont talk shit but it doesn't change at all, its all in my head. i just don't leave my room anymore. everything sucks. my favorite videogames, my books, my friends, my family, my hobbies, my life. it's just so weird...? how do people live? no, like, genuinely, how do you guys live? how is it to wake up and think "oh im making an omelete with toast this morning!" and not "if i kill myself before 04:00pm i dont have to pass through this" how does that feel? please i dont want to die without knowing...
i want to get better, i truly want. but i just dont see this coming. ive been patient, not smoking anymore, recovering from self harm and abusing meds... i want to live, not survive. and i know, it will pass, right? but when? when? can somebody hug me until it passes? no one? im scared that everyday i fear death less, its tiring, ive been strong but i feel sick.
i struggle with depression, anxiety, bulimia and borderline. i still have to deal with autism and adhd. it's pure hell. i stress about everything. it hurts not only me but people around me, my dear friends that i tend to push away when i feel my worst side coming and they are tired of this situation and probably tired of me too.
but i still have hope, at least some kind of... but is hope enough to live? will the world have mercy on me? im so afraid. im not that naive to think things in life should work like a fairy tale to be worth living but sometimes i wish this wasn't too tough to deal with... do i really need to face bad people? bad choices? bad places? bad decisions that are not even made by me... just to.... live? life is so funny actually. im weak in this life but in the next one i may play with it a little bit.

So where do I start? I went to my mates house the other week just to hang out and see her. Some context she’s a young single mom who lives with her mom and she has aniexty due to something happening to her while going home one night. But I’ve known her since late high school. So I for a while I wanted to buy her some gifts which to me working minimum wage were quite pricey and I just wanted to spoil her because of the accident while going home and I knew her aniexty was bad anything that topped it off and as a young single mother with a 1 year old you don’t get too much time to yourself so I wanted to buy her some pampering things.
Anyway the situation happened the next day, I was chilling in her bed but when I went to find her and I asked her mom where was she her mom gave me a cold answer and I could tell something was off, I messaged her on Snapchat asking where did she go? She comes into her room where I’m laying and says “why have you been putting the baby stuff into your bag?” To which I replied I haven’t, she went on to say she wouldn’t understand why I would want to steal off a baby, something of her moms has gone missing and it’s my fault, she said she checked my bag and my pockets to which they found nothing. I was so shocked by this, she went through my stuff without my permission and then they both still accused me of something I didn’t do? And they had no proof, for the baby thing being in my bag the only reason I could think of is it must’ve fell into it. My bag is a tote bag quite a large one, so no zipper and when you put heavy items in it it kinda sinks the bag, but we got to a point of the day when the baby was asleep and I was helping clean up she through some baby toys at me to have a look at because she liked them but one must’ve fallen into my bag. I even asked her why would you think I would steal of you? To which she again didn’t reply, to any of my questions she either laughed at me or ignored.
I’m sorry that her mom lost something priceless to them but honestly why would I want to steal off of them when I pay for meals when me and her go out, i spent a pretty penny on gifts for her to pamper herself with, why would I do that? Anyway I leave their house I left it as it was as to me it was clear they had made up their mind and nothing I was saying went through their heads.
They rang my work telling them about this incident to which my job didn’t care because it was my personal life and they sided with me. I’m a gift giving person that’s my love language and I have adhd so I can’t understand body language or sarcasm so to me I thought they were joking until someone from my work messaged me about it. I blocked her on everything but I want answers but I know I’ll never get them and I’m starting to not care by telling myself they clearly had horrible intent in what they were doing. They threatened the police but what can you say to them? You never saw me put anything into my bag, or my hoodie that I wasn’t wearing due to the weather. And I wasn’t hiding my bag or keeping it hidden from her when she touched my bag multiple times.

Hi everyone,
Posting my current experience of what I think is ‘severe’ anxiety in a hope that I can weirdly find someone with similar symptoms, as I cannot find many posts/articles describing how I’m feeling.
I’ve always been an anxious person, however these specific symptoms started 2 years ago. The whole right side of my body just feels different to my left. Initially, I would have described it as weakness but I’m fairly confident my right leg/foot is not weaker than my left. It now just feels ‘different’ all the time every day - which is a feeling I just can’t describe.
As time has progressed, this has spread to the right side of my head/face/behind the eye where I get periods of the most intense squeezing sensation. With it, I have developed this feeling/fear that I’m going to have a seizure - however I’ve never had a seizure in my life. I am not epileptic. These flare ups can happen at anytime but happen more frequently when I’m in restaurants, out for drinks, talking to new people or in environments I’m generally uncomfortable in. Again it’s difficult to describe the sensation but it feels like I’m going to collapse in a heap. The feeling is so intense/scary. When I get up and walk, it almost relieves the symptoms- which I think is my flight response kicking in.
Over the last two years, I’ve done the rounds and convinced myself I’ve got a brain tumour, MS or MND. I’m pretty sure I’m at a point where it’s none of those, it’s infact panic disorder that I’m suffering from. Nothing has ever happened to me other than the symptoms I’ve mentioned and being in this constant state of worry about my health.
What I find so hard to understand is why is it always the right side of my body? Why not the left? Can anxiety just target one specific side for a given reason? How can these symptoms happen constantly?
If anyone has ever experienced something remotely similar, I’d love to hear your experience and any advice on managing these horrible symptoms. It would be so nice to go for a meal with my partner without worrying about/feeling like having a seizure again!

When my son was born it really gave my life purpose and meaning in a way that I'd never felt it had before. I gained confidence and a certainty about life that I didn't know I could achieve. He just turned 3 and I also have a daughter now, nearly a year old, and I'm beginning to feel the absolute emptiness that I carried all my life before them. That feeling of being entirely lost and without desire is returning, and it's causing me a lot of dread.
For years, I was non-functional. I quit or was fired from jobs every few months, and leaned heavily on drugs and alcohol to feel even fleeting bits of joy. To be sober was to suffer.
In 2018, I started to clean up. Got on anti-depressants consistently and met my wife the next year. Life got better, and my children have taught me more about life, love, and joy than I ever imagined I might deserve. They're really the axis on which my world spins, and I'm eternally grateful to have them. More than anything else in this world, I want to guide them and watch them grow, and give them the best of myself until my final breath.
But I can feel depression's grip growing tight around me and it worries me. I'm done with drugs and alcohol and I spent years in therapy with little effect. I don't know how to combat it and I'm terrified that it'll take me from my kids, mentally and emotionally if not physically.
This recognition stirs up heaps of shame which further drives my depression and dread.

I don’t know if you guys see posts like this on the weekly or something like that, but man…I’m really sad that I’ve been thrown into NG+ given all the areas that I was saving for later.
I had just discovered Cainhurst and was saving starting that area for later.
I had just reached the lamp right after the Fishing Hamlet lamp in the DLC; I was super excited to eventually reach Orphan.
I had activated the Laurence fight and was looking forward to going back there from time to time to learn his moveset (not as excited for him as I was for Orphan, unfortunately).
I was in the middle of a chalice dungeon, and from looking things up online, I knew that the next boss I was going to face was a Bloodletting Beast, which I was excited for because I know they’re notorious for being pretty difficult.
And all that just got wiped in front of my face. Without warning. I was thinking I would fight Gehrman followed by Moon Presence, just so I would end the game with Orphan rather than the disappointing Moon Presence.
I guess I’ll come back to this game in a few months to a year so that the stuff I’ve already been through sort of becomes fresh again in my head, but man if I’m not sad. I was really liking the pacing that I had set for myself, too.
And I was telling myself a little before that I should look up and see if you get auto-dumped into NG+ just in case FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

So there have been few posts asking why do people stay with abusers and it got me thinking why I stay with mine. I'm 25 so old enough to get a job and move out, but yet here I am still with my abusive mom and sibling. I realized I don't have enough motivation to actually set goals and see them through long enough to actually get a job and see myself through on my plans. On a rational level I know I would be better off if I move out and I want independence and my own space so much, but on emotional level I'm just stuck. I apply for a job one day and then crash the next, or I get rejected and then my week flews by not doing much, etc. I did work part time during college, but it was always less pressure bc it was part time and I always felt like I could quit and get another similar job. But now it just feels like the stakes are higher and I go into freeze mode, especially when considering moving once and for all and going into rent.
I feel like it's mainly due to being subtly abused, such as being put down, criticized, gaslighted, etc. and told I don't know how to do basic things such as chores without my mom ever giving me the chance to actually do it and learn by myself. But interestingly enough, I was always able to function well under pressure, such as timelines in schools or at deadlines at jobs. From the outside I seem very capable and have good feedback from people, but from the inside, my own head and my family, I'm always told I'm not good enough and can't do shit so I feel like I don't even try or give up too soon because I don't trust myself enough to actually believe something will change. And when I'm faced with huge decision, such as moving away and going into rent world, I just freeze due to fear and overhwelm. Hell, sometimes even small decisions cause me to freeze and avoid.
One thing that I've noticed since I've started my trauma work and as I was examining my family is that my uncle (mom's younger brother) is basically same. He graduated college but never had a job and stayed with my grandma all of his life until she died. As a kid, he was always the joke of the family and I never understood why he simply didn't get a job and move out, but know I'm scared I might end up the same way. Especially since I was always the faulty kid, constantly criticized, attacked and blamed for everything and still am while older sister was the favourite until she moved out and then younger sister became the favourite. I feel like my mom replicated the dynamics she saw as a kid and I know my grandma was pretty cold and distant as a person so I wouldn't be shocked she was toxic as hell (I never really knew her well).
Anyways, I'm wondering if there are any advice from people who were in similar situations. Like I want to move out so badly and move on with my life bc I'm getting tired of sitting around the house and feeling like I'm wasting my life being stuck on my trauma, but at the same time it's hard to get started and actually stay consistent.

So there have been few posts asking why do people stay with abusers and it got me thinking why I stay with mine. I'm 25 so old enough to get a job and move out, but yet here I am still with my abusive mom and sibling. I realized I don't have enough motivation to actually set goals and see them through long enough to actually get a job and see myself through on my plans. On a rational level I know I would be better off if I move out and I want independence and my own space so much, but on emotional level I'm just stuck. I apply for a job one day and then crash the next, or I get rejected and then my week flews by not doing much, etc. I did work part time during college, but it was always less pressure bc it was part time and I always felt like I could quit and get another similar job. But now it just feels like the stakes are higher and I go into freeze mode, especially when considering moving once and for all and going into rent.
I feel like it's mainly due to being subtly abused, such as being put down, criticized, gaslighted, etc. and told I don't know how to do basic things such as chores without my mom ever giving me the chance to actually do it and learn by myself. But interestingly enough, I was always able to function well under pressure, such as timelines in schools or at deadlines at jobs. From the outside I seem very capable and have good feedback from people, but from the inside, my own head and my family, I'm always told I'm not good enough and can't do shit so I feel like I don't even try or give up too soon because I don't trust myself enough to actually believe something will change. And when I'm faced with huge decision, such as moving away and going into rent world, I just freeze due to fear and overhwelm. Hell, sometimes even small decisions cause me to freeze and avoid.
One thing that I've noticed since I've started my trauma work and as I was examining my family is that my uncle (mom's younger brother) is basically same. He graduated college but never had a job and stayed with my grandma all of his life until she died. As a kid, he was always the joke of the family and I never understood why he simply didn't get a job and move out, but know I'm scared I might end up the same way. Especially since I was always the faulty kid, constantly criticized, attacked and blamed for everything and still am while older sister was the favourite until she moved out and then younger sister became the favourite. I feel like my mom replicated the dynamics she saw as a kid and I know my grandma was pretty cold and distant as a person so I wouldn't be shocked she was toxic as hell (I never really knew her well).
Anyways, I'm wondering if there are any advice from people who were in similar situations. Like I want to move out so badly and move on with my life bc I'm getting tired of sitting around the house and feeling like I'm wasting my life being stuck on my trauma, but at the same time it's hard to get started and actually stay consistent.

So there have been few posts asking why do people stay with abusers and it got me thinking why I stay with mine. I'm 25 so old enough to get a job and move out, but yet here I am still with my abusive mom and sibling. I realized I don't have enough motivation to actually set goals and see them through long enough to actually get a job and see myself through on my plans. On a rational level I know I would be better off if I move out and I want independence and my own space so much, but on emotional level I'm just stuck. I apply for a job one day and then crash the next, or I get rejected and then my week flews by not doing much, etc. I did work part time during college, but it was always less pressure bc it was part time and I always felt like I could quit and get another similar job. But now it just feels like the stakes are higher and I go into freeze mode, especially when considering moving once and for all and going into rent.
I feel like it's mainly due to being subtly abused, such as being put down, criticized, gaslighted, etc. and told I don't know how to do basic things such as chores without my mom ever giving me the chance to actually do it and learn by myself. But interestingly enough, I was always able to function well under pressure, such as timelines in schools or at deadlines at jobs. From the outside I seem very capable and have good feedback from people, but from the inside, my own head and my family, I'm always told I'm not good enough and can't do shit so I feel like I don't even try or give up too soon because I don't trust myself enough to actually believe something will change. And when I'm faced with huge decision, such as moving away and going into rent world, I just freeze due to fear and overhwelm. Hell, sometimes even small decisions cause me to freeze and avoid.
One thing that I've noticed since I've started my trauma work and as I was examining my family is that my uncle (mom's younger brother) is basically same. He graduated college but never had a job and stayed with my grandma all of his life until she died. As a kid, he was always the joke of the family and I never understood why he simply didn't get a job and move out, but know I'm scared I might end up the same way. Especially since I was always the faulty kid, constantly criticized, attacked and blamed for everything and still am while older sister was the favourite until she moved out and then younger sister became the favourite. I feel like my mom replicated the dynamics she saw as a kid and I know my grandma was pretty cold and distant as a person so I wouldn't be shocked she was toxic as hell (I never really knew her well).
Anyways, I'm wondering if there are any advice from people who were in similar situations. Like I want to move out so badly and move on with my life bc I'm getting tired of sitting around the house and feeling like I'm wasting my life being stuck on my trauma, but at the same time it's hard to get started and actually stay consistent.