I’m ashamed to say I saw this term on tiktok, but anyway – it was used to describe people who always have a new shiny friend they’re obsessed with. They constantly discard a friend to make place for the new doll.
And I wonder if anyone here can relate to being that doll.
Seeing it made me connect some dots. My mother did this, I was her perfect golden child, treated as a doll, then when I slowly became an adult she discarded me, and even turned me into the scapegoat.
I’ve known that for a long time, but didn’t realize that right after being abandonded like that, I met a best friend who did the exact same.
She found me online, kind of chased me, acted like I was her soulmate, and to me it felt the same as meeting other good friends. We connected. It was all familiar to me, I was happy.
I won’t victim blame myself or anyone else in that position, because it really does begin like any other good friendship. You’re just stoked you’ve found eachother.
But I see now that the difference is that other people responded differently to the switch. Once she distanced herself and treated them like trash, and found someone new, they blamed her, I saw it happen. And then they’d move on.
But I was so used to trying to convince someone to like and love me, that I just continued that pattern. For about 7 years, I tried to get back to how we started, and it messed with my mental health so much.
It’s been 8 years since I broke up with her, and still I’m having these realizations. It wasn’t just a little weird, she gaslit me, she made me feel worthless & insane. And I’m only now feeling some of the things I should’ve felt then.
There’s so much messed up stuff I wouldn’t even know where to begin, but I have to get this off my chest; she always had a few standard excuses for why she couldn’t see me. The main ones were: too busy, and I lived too far away(45 minutes, and I was always willing to come see her). Eventually I wouldn’t see her for years.
And here’s the fucked up thing I still can’t wrap my hear around: sure, I’d see her have time for new barbie dolls, new love interests, many other things, just not me. But also: I’d see her hanging out in my city, and not just that, sometimes she was around the literal corner of my apartment, and put it on instagram. She was hanging out with friends, going to concerts, going to pride, sitting in the park I cycled through every day. In the beginning, I’d text, and get either a vague excuse or no answer. And slowly, I stopped, and just cried and wondered what I’d done wrong. I wouldn’t see her for a year, and she’d be around the corner, actively uninterested in seeing me. Posting it on fucking instagram. You can not convince me that was an accident. Whatever was happening in her brain, it was a choice she’s responsible for, and she didn’t care that it hurt me. And I don’t forgive her for it.
Whenever I called her out on any of it, she’d say of course she loved me and I was her best friend, but I was too needy, and that would only make her run away. So I tried to be a ‘cool girl’ for her, without needs, never angry, never upset. And it got me nowhere, it made me miserable. She fueled my self hatred, gave my inner critic more ammunition, and that’s the stuff that really makes me angry now.
And it is insane how it all mirrors the relationship with my mother. No needs. Accepting neglect and passive agressive shit. Blaming myself. Slowly losing myself.
I’m so glad I can see it for what it is now, and I can see that pattern. I don’t think I’ll ever fall for it again.
Again, just curious if others can relate to this.

I’m just a not-so-typical southern dude with a group of odd buddies, one of which is my wife, and we all stream games together & bullshit and have a good time! We’d love if ya came and hung out with us and our awful senses of humor!
https://twitch.tv/sawyerpeter

I just finished watching season 1. I avoided it for a long time because I saw a lot of complaints from my community about it being trauma porn in terms of the racial violence depicted, but decided to give it a watch.I just want to say the first season made my heart so heavy and it was a striking reminder that these things only stopped happening so often ( because they do still happen)as the “norm” only several decades ago. It makes me wonder what my grandparents and great grandparents went through & it makes me sad y’all and just so deeply troubled.
What’s worse is we’ll never have this country do right by us. And how could it even begin to ever repay us. It would take centuries to right all the wrongs .
Just had to get this off my chest.
Edit to add: Also the series ended up being good to me.I don’t think we should stop making shows like this just because they’re uncomfortable. That is what helps in order to prevent history from repeating itself .

I'll be bringing home my standard poodle puppy in a couple short months, and am trying to find the right seatbelt & harness duo before then. I know there are very few that are actually crash tested, and have also struggled figuring out which harness fits the best on a poodle's deep chest. Because the dog will be a puppy when I get him, whatever the set up is will need to work as he grows.
I'm interested in getting any and all advice/recommendations on seatbelts, harnesses, and any other way you keep your pup safe in the car!
Thanks!!

Not sure what the abbreviations mean? No problem, let me know! I’m willing to bundle for the items I want.
GT: MADDL007
——Weapons for trade——
AA/E/90 The Fixer
ARIS/50crit/25 Ultracite Laser Rifle
ARIS/FFFR Light Machine Gun
B/50crit/15crit Crossbow
B/FF90 The Fixer {mule}
B/50vhc/15crit Handmade {mule}
B/50crit/15crit Tesla Rifle
B/50crit/15crit Ultracite Laser Rifle
EXE/FF25 Handmade
MUT/50crit/25 Laser Rifle
MUT/FF25 Gatling Plasma
Q/50vhc/25 Alien Disintegrator
Q/50vhc/90 Alien Disintegrator
Q/E The Fixer (2 Star)
Q/E Handmade (2 star) {mule}
Q/50crit Railway Rifle (2 Star) {mule}
Q/50crit/1A Railway Rifle {mule}
Q/E/FMSWA Railway Rifle {mule}
Q/FFR Railway Rifle (2 Star) {mule}
Q/FFFMSWA Railway Rifle
Q/AP/25 Tesla Rifle
Q/AP/25 Tesla Rifle {mule}
Q/50LD/Stealth Tesla Rifle
Q/50crit/25 Pump Action Shotgun
Q/DWA/FR 50 Cal Machine Gun
Q/DWA/FR Pepper Shaker
SUP/DWA/DRWA Resolute Veteran (Survivor Mode Legacy)
TS/50vhc/15crit Alien Blaster
TS/E/90 10mm Submachine Gun
TS/FMSWA Laser Rifle (2 Star - Legacy)
V/50crit/25 The Fixer {mule}
V/FFFR The Fixer {mule}
V/E/25 Railway Rifle
V/40PA/1S Power Fist
Enclave Plasma Rifle #1 w/ Severe Beta Wave Tuner, Aligned Automatic Barrel, Stabilized Stock, Reflex Sight {mule}
Enclave Plasma Rifle #2 w/ Standard Capacitor, Aligned Flamer Barrel, Stabilized Stock, Reflex Sight
Dross Grenade, Pearly Peepers
——Plans & Recipes for trade——
All Scout Backpack Mod Plans including High Capacity
Plan: Alien Blaster
Plan: Alien Disintegrator {mule}
Plan: Alien Disintegrator Cryo Receiver {mule}
Plan: Alien Disintegrator High Powered Receiver {mule}
Plan: Alien Disintegrator Poison Receiver
Plan: Blue Ridge Scout Outfit {mule}
Plan: Camo Backpack {mule}
Plan: Glowing Flatwoods Monster Lamp {mule}
Plan: Pepper Shaker {mule}
Plan: T-60 BOS Initiate Paint
Plan: T-60 BOS Knight CPT Paint
Plan: T-60 BOS Knight Paint {mule}
Plan: Ultracite Emergency Protocols
Plan: Vintage Water Cooler
——Armor & Other items for trade——
AutoStim/AP/WWR Robot Right Arm (Sturdy) {mule}
BOL/AP/WWR Wood Chest Piece {mule}
GS/1INT/WWR Raider Left Arm {mule}
HunteAP/WWR Metal Chest Piece
MUT/1INT/WWR Trapper Right Leg {mule}
NOC/AP/WWR Combat Armor Right Arm (Light) {mule}
OE/1INT/SENT Leather Left Arm (Sturdy) {mule}
UNY/1E/WWR Robot Left Leg
UNY/1INT/WWR Robot Left Leg (Light) {mule}
UNY/1L/WWR Metal Chest Piece (Light - Level 10)
UNY/1P/WWR Combat Armor Right Leg (Heavy)
UNY/1P/WWR Robot Left Leg (Sturdy)
UNY/1S/FDC Metal Chest Piece (Sturdy)
UNY/1S/WWR Leather Chest Piece (Sturdy)
UNY/1S/WWR Leather Right Arm (Light)
UNY/FIRE/AWR Combat Armor Chest Piece (Light)
UNY/RAD/WWR Combat Armor Right Leg (Light) {mule}
VAN/1INT/WWR Trapper Right Arm
W/INT/WWR Combat Armor Right Arm (Sturdy)
Z/AP/WWR Robot Right Arm (Sturdy)
All 8 Holotape Mini Games
All Non-Rare apparel available - just ask
Misc Items: ask me for my list
———
———
——Items I want——
B/50crit/15crit Fixer or Handmade
B/50crit/25 Fixer or Handmade
B/50crit/25 Laser Pistol / Rifle
B/50crit/25 Enclave Plasma Rifle (reflex sights, aligned auto)
B/50crit/25 Plasma Rifle
Q/E/25 Handmade
Q/E/FR Handmade
Q/50crit/15crit Railway
Q/50crit/25 Railway
Q/50crit/FR Railway
Q/AP/FR Tesla Rifle
Q/50crit/90 Tesla Rifle {mule}
Q/50vhc/25 Tesla Rifle
Q/50vhc/FR Tesla Rifle
Enclave Plasma Gun Aligned Flamer Barrel Mod (one or multiple)
Baseball bats level 45 - indigo, pink, yellow
Plan: Dr. Bones
Plan: Golf Cart
Plan: Princess Backpack
Plan: Ultracite Calibrated Shocks
Asylum Worker Uniform Forest
Asylum Worker Uniform Pink
Asylum Worker Uniform Red
Asylum Worker Uniform Yellow
BOS Jumpsuit
Fasnacht Brahmin Mask
Fasnacht Buffoon Mask
Fasnacht Crazy Guy Mask
Fasnacht Deathclaw Mask
Fasnacht Demon Mask
Fasnacht Fiend Mask
Fasnacht Glowing Blue Devil Mask
Fasnacht Glowing Honey Bee Mask
Fasnacht Glowing Scorchbeast Mask
Fasnacht Glowing Scorchbeast Queen Mask
Fasnacht Hag Mask
Fasnacht Loon Mask
Fasnacht Raven Mask
Fasnacht Winter Man Mask
Forest Camo Jumpsuit
Forest Scout Armor Mask
Hunter’s Long Coat (will pay caps)
Leather Coat
Radicals Face Mask (will pay caps)
Responder Fireman Helmet
Responder Fireman Uniform
Tattered Field Jacket
Traveling Leather Coat
Urban Scout Armor Mask
White Powder Jumpsuit
I’m really only after the items listed above, make me an offer. No caps, flux, or junk offers please.

Trying to clear my backlog of unredeemed stuff and make some money for an upcoming trip, so looking to hopefully clear this list down some, and honestly for most titles on the list I'd be willing to take $1-3 dollars for.
Here is my SteamRep page
And SteamTrades page
And links to Previous Posts I've made since I'm not sure how to update my flair to correctly show the number of trades I've completed.
I also have the Humble Choice coupons for the DLC for Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous, Victoria 3, and Symphony of War: The Nephilim Saga, if anyone would be interested in paying for those as well.
ΔV: Rings of Saturn
112 Operator
112 Operator
112 Operator
60 Parsecs!
8Doors: Arum's Afterlife Adventure
911 Operator
911 Operator
911 Operator
A Plague Tale: Innocence
A Short Hike
A Juggler's Tale
Acceleration of SUGURI 2
Aces & Adventures
Ace of Seafood
ADOM (Ancient Domains Of Mystery)
Ai War 2
Alchemist's Castle
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
Almost There: The Platformer
Alien Spidy
Agent in Depth
Age of Wonders: Planetfall Deluxe Edition
Agents of Mayhem
Amanda the Adventurer
American Fugitive
Amnesia: Rebirth
Amnesia: Rebirth
Amnesia: The Dark Descent + Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
Arcade Paradise
Arcade Spirits
Armello
Atomicrops
ATOM RPG Trudograd
Automachef
Autonauts
Autonauts vs Piratebots
Aven Colony
Backbone
Banners of Ruin
Basement
Battlestar Galactica Deadlock
Beat Hazard 2
Beacon Pines
Bee Simulator
Before We Leave
Bendy and the Dark Revival
Beyond the Wire
Black Future ’88
Blazing Beaks
Blue Fire
Book of Demons
Boomerang Fu
Boreal Blade
BPM: BULLETS PER MINUTE
Bravery and Greed
Break Arts 2
Broken Age
Broken Age
Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
Calico
Cattails: Wildwood Story
Catherine: Classic
Car Mechanic Simulator 2018
Children of Morta
Chivalry 2 - Epic Edition
Chess Ultra
Colt Canyon
Conan Chop Chop
Construction Simulator (2015) Deluxe Edition
Control Standard Edition
Cook, Serve, Delicious! 3?!
Coromon
Cosmic Express
Crown Trick
Crusader Kings III
Crying Suns
Cursed Castilla (Maldita Castilla EX)
Curse of the Dead Gods
Cyber Hook
Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
Dandara
Dagon: by H. P. Lovecraft - The Eldritch Box DLC
Dark Deity
Darksburg
Darksiders Genesis
Deadly Days
Death Squared
Deleveled
Descenders
Detached: Non-VR Edition
Deep Rock Galactic
Demon Turf
Destroyer: The U-Boat Hunter
Deus Ex: Mankind Divided
Diaries of a Spaceport Janitor
Dirt 5
Disco Elysium - The Final Cut
Disjunction (GOG Key)
Doughlings Arcade
Doughlings Invasion
Draw Slasher
Drawful 2
Driftland: The Magic Revival
DUCATI - 90th Anniversary
Due Process
Duskers
Earthlock
Edge of Eternity
Edge of Eternity
Effie
Eldest Souls
ELDERBORN
ELEX
Encased: A Sci-Fi Post-Apocalyptic RPG
ENCODYA (GOG key)
Endless Space 2
Endless Space 2 Digital Deluxe Edition
Endzone - A World Apart
Europa Universalis IV
Euro Truck Simulator 2
Everhood
Evoland Legendary Edition
Exapunks
Expeditions: Rome
Expeditions: Viking
F1® 2019 Anniversary Edition
Fable Anniversary
Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy Remastered
Farmer's Dynasty
Farming Simulator 17
Farming Simulator '17 - Platinum Edition
Fantasy Blacksmith
Felix The Reaper
Fight'N Rage
First Class Trouble
Fling to the Finish
Friends vs Friends
Frick, Inc.
Frog Detective 1: The Haunted Island
Frog Detective 2: The Case of the Invisible Wizard
Forgive Me Father
Fort Triumph
Fury Unleashed
Fury Unleashed
GameGuru
Gamedec - Definitive Edition
GARAGE: Bad Trip
Generation Zero
Ghostrunner
Go Home Dinosaurs
Goat of Duty
Golf Gang
Golf With Your Friends + Caddy Pack + OST
Going Under
Gravel
GRIME
Grow: Song of the Evertree
Guns & Fishes
Guilty Gear X2 #Reload
Guts and Glory
Hacknet
Hack 'n' Slash
Heave Ho
Hell Let Loose
Hello Neighbor + Hello Neighbor Hide & Seek
Hell Pie
Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice
Hero Siege Complete
Hero Siege - Cyberpunk Samurai (Class + Skin)
Hero Siege - Avenger Paladin (Class + Skin)
Hero Siege - Class - Amazon
Hero Siege - Demon Slayer Bundle + Spawn Skin (Class)
Hero Siege - Class - Shaman
Hero Siege - Class - Marauder
Hero Siege - Class - Plague Doctor
Hero Siege - Extra slots & stash space
Hero Siege - ClassShield Lancer
Hero's Hour
Heroes of Hammerwatch
Hexologic
HIVESWAP: Act 1
Hollow Knight
Hokko Life
Horizon Chase Turbo
HUMANKIND: Definitive Edition
Hyper Gunsport
I Am Fish
Immortal Redneck
Imperator: Rome Deluxe Edition
Into the Pit
Into the Breach
In Other Waters
Iris and the Giant
Iron Danger
Izmir: An Independence Simulator
John Wick Hex
Juno: New Origins
Just Cause 4 Complete Edition
Just Die Already
Katana ZERO
Kerbal Space Program
Kero Blaster
Killsquad
Kingdom Two Crowns
Lacuna – A Sci-Fi Noir Adventure
Laser League
Last Call BBS
Lawn Mowing Simulator
Legion TD 2 - Multiplayer Tower Defense
LEGO Batman 3: Beyond Gotham
Lethal League Blaze
Levelhead
LiEat
Life Is Strange 2: Complete Season
Life is Strange: True Colors
Lightmatter
Littlewood
Little Orpheus
Lust from Beyond: M Edition
Lust from Beyond - M Edition
Magicka
Main Assembly
Men of War: Assault Squad 2 - War Chest Edition
Mega Man Legacy Collection
Metro Exodus
Metro Exodus
Merchant of the Skies
Midnight Protocol
Minoria
MirrorMoon EP
Mitsurugi Kamui Hikae
Möbius Front ‘83
MOLEK-SYNTEZ
Moon Hunters
Momodora: Reverie Under The Moonlight
Monaco
Morbid: The Seven Acolytes
MORDHAU
Morkredd
Motorcycle Mechanic Simulator 2021
Mount & Blade: Warband
My Friend Pedro
Narita Boy
NARUTO TO BORUTO: SHINOBI STRIKER
NBA Playgrounds
Nebuchadnezzar
NecroWorm
Necromunda: Hired Gun
Neoverse
Neverout
NeuroVoider
Nex Machina
Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl
Niffelheim
Nimbatus - The Space Drone Constructor
Non-Stop Raiders
Oaken
OlliOlli World Rad Edition
Operation: Tango
Opus Magnum
Orbital Racer
Orbital Racer
Orwell: Ignorance is Strength
Othercide
OTXO
Overload
Overcooked! 2 + Too Many Cooks! + Surf n' Turf Pack
Out of Reach: Treasure Royale
PAC-MAN™ CHAMPIONSHIP EDITION 2
Panzer Paladin
Patch Quest
Pathfinder: Kingmaker - Enhanced Plus Edition
Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous
Pathologic 2
Partisans 1941
Party Hard
Party Hard
Path of Giants
Pawnbarian
Paw Paw Paw
PAYDAY 2
PGA Tour 2K21
PGA Tour 2K21
Planet TD
Planet Zoo
Pill Baby
Pikuniku
Pixplode
Pool Panic
Popup Dungeon
Post Void
Prodeus
Project Chemistry
Project Wingman
Project Winter
Psychonauts
Pumpkin Jack
Puss!
Purrfect Date - Visual Novel/Dating Simulator
Quadrata
Quantum Break
Radio Commander
Raiden V: Director's Cut
Railway Empire
Rebuild 3: Gangs of Deadsville
Rebel Inc: Escalation
Red Faction Guerrilla Re-Mars-tered
Relicta
Remnants of Naezith
Remnants of Naezith
Remothered: Broken Porcelain
Regular Human Basketball
Regions of Ruin
Retimed
Retrowave
Revolver 360 Re:Actor
Ring of Pain
Ring of Pain
Road 96
Roadwarden
Roarr! Jurassic Edition
Roguebook
Rollerdrome
Rover Mechanic Simulator
Rustler
Rym 9000
Say No! More
ScourgeBringer
Secret Neighbor
Seven: The Days Long Gone
Shadows: Awakening
Shady Part of Me
shapez + puzzle DLC
Shenmue III
Shing!
Shining Resonance Refrain
Shoppe Keep 2
Shotgun King: The Final Checkmate
Skullgirls 2nd Encore
Sid Meier's Civilization VI : Platinum Edition
Sigma Theory: Global Cold War
SIMULACRA + SIMULACRA 2
Size Matters
Slay the Spire
Sleeping Dogs: Definitive Edition
Slinger VR
Slipstream
Smile For Me
Sniper Ghost Warrior Contracts
Space Crew: Legendary Edition
Speed Brawl
Spirit of the Island
SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom - Rehydrated
Spyro Reignited Trilogy
Soulblight
Soulblight
Soul Searching
Soulstice
Starbound
Stick Fight
stikir
Strange Brigade
Struggling
Stygian: Reign of the Old Ones
Sunset Overdrive
Sunless Bundle (Sunless Sea + Sunless Skies)
Supraland
Super Daryl Deluxe
SUPERHOT
Super Magbot
SUPERHOT: MIND CONTROL DELETE
Superliminal
Surviving Mars
Surviving the Aftermath
Suzerain
Swag and Sorcery
S.W.I.N.E. HD Remaster
Swords and Soldiers 2 Shawarmageddon
Sword Legacy Omen
Syberia 3
SYNTHETIK: Legion Rising
Symphony of War: The Nephilim Saga
System Shock Enhanced Edition
System Shock Enhanced Edition
System Shock 2
Tabletop Playground
Telefrag VR
Temtem
Terraformers
The Amazing American Circus
The Ambassador: Fractured Timelines
The Final Station
The Forgotten City
The King's Bird
The Inner World
The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante
The Long Dark
The Red Lantern
The Occupation
The Outer Worlds: Spacer’s Choice Edition
The Serpent Rogue
The Shapeshifting Detective
The Stillness of the Wind
The Suicide of Rachel Foster
The Textorcist: The Story of Ray Bibbia
The Quarry Deluxe Edition
The Uncertain: Last Quiet Day
The USB Stick Found in the Grass
This is the Police
This is the Police 2
This War of Mine
Through the Darkest of Times
Tilt Brush
TOHU
Tools Up!
Total Tank Simulator
Tooth and Tail
Toejam & Earl: Back in the Groove
Train Station Renovation
Treasure Hunter Simulator
Tropico 4
Tropico 6 - El Prez Edition
TSIOQUE
Turbo Golf Racing
Turok
Turok 2: Seeds of Evil
VVVVVV
Vagante
Valfaris
Valkyria Chronicles 4 Complete Edition
Verlet Swing
Victoria 3
Voidigo
Wandersong
Wandersong
Wargroove
Wargroove
Warhammer 40,000: Chaos Gate - Daemonhunters
Warhammer Age of Sigmar: Realms of Ruin – Ultimate Edition
Warhammer: Chaosbane
WARSAW RISING: City of Heroes
Wasteland 3
We Are Alright
We Need To Go Deeper
West of Dead
West of Dead
Where the Water Tastes Like Wine
Who Pressed Mute on Uncle Marcus?
Windjammers 2
Wingspan
Wizard of Legend
Wizard of Legend
World of Goo
Worms Revolution
Worms Rumble
Worms Rumble + Legends Pack
WRATH: Aeon of Ruin
Wrench
WWE 2K23
WWE 2K Battlegrounds
XCOM 2
XCOM 2 + XCOM 2: Reinforcement Pack and XCOM 2: Resistance Warrior Pack
XCOM: Chimera Squad
X-Morph: Defense Complete Pack
X-Morph: Defense + European Assault, Survival of the Fittest, and Last Bastion DLC
Yakuza Kiwami 2
Yooka-Laylee and the Impossible Lair
Yoku's Island Express
Zombie Driver HD
Zombie Night Terror

A few weeks ago a friend texted me in the middle of the night, and told me she saw my boyfriend of ~7 months on Grindr. After sitting in my bed for hours I worked up the nerve to wake up my sleeping boyfriend and confronted him. He was very apologetic and the reasoning he gave me was that essentially he is confused about his sexuality and wanted to find someone to talk to about it — basically he is attracted to trans woman. He obviously did not feel comfortable talking to me about this and I get it. However, I don’t care about his sexuality and I expressed this to him. I pressed further and asked why he didn’t just find people to talk to on Reddit or discord about this, and he said essentially he wanted to see if he was attracted to everyday trans women or if it’s just like the trans women who look like the “top 0.1% on onlyfans”. This comment kind of rubbed me the wrong way tbh, and I asked if this was more like a fetish and I didn’t get a clear answer.
I was very upset and it was 3 am, so I said I wanted to talk about it later. He offered to let me go through his phone and the app — I didn’t look, but he claims he was just having conversations with people and didn’t even upload photos to his profile. He also said that I can look through his phone whenever I want and that he wouldn’t do something like that again. I said if this was innocent curiosity about himself, I could forgive him. We went a week without talking about it because this all happened during my finals week of last semester, and I just wanted to focus on that. He brought it up again, and tried to get me to talk about it with him, but I pretty much shut down the conversation again. I know I probably should have just talked to him about it already, but I wanted to have a clearer head.
So now 2 or 3 weeks have passed & I’ve had a lot of time to think about the situation and it’s honestly negatively impacted how I view myself. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this (although I should probably just talk to him). I get being confused about your sexuality as I’ve struggled with this as well. Obviously dating apps were not the appropriate solution to his problem, but he said he didn’t view was he was doing as malicious. Also, I guess I’ve never encountered someone who expressed specifically being attracted to transwomen. I read some other stuff on the internet that this might be indicative of a porn addiction — like not being satisfied by the stuff you see from strangers and trying to get more “personal” content. I don't really know how to feel about this whole situation or what to make of this.
How should I bring this conversation back up so I can get these things off my chest? how do I approach this situation without seeming like I'm attacking him?
TL;DR: my boyfriend got caught using Grindr and said he was confused about his sexuality. I put off the conversation for weeks. Now I’m confused on what to do and how to approach the situation.

I won't disclose its actual location, so if that's why you're here, sorry to disappoint. It's not time for that yet. However, I do think it's time to start getting the word out. I've noticed an increase in what I'll call "Antennas" lately, or people who can detect cross-planar phase shifts. Without getting into all the math (some of which I don't even know), this is basically a phenomenon which refers to entropy seeping into our universe from other realms or universes or whatever you want to call it. Simply put, people think our universe is a closed system to entropy, meaning that the disorder of any variable in our universe can only increase or decrease in direct proportion to other variables in that same system (the universe). Under this precept, we can establish rules like the Laws of Thermodynamics, and for most people, they're effective. But not for Antennas.
Put another way, if you throw a bunch of bouncy balls into a box, there are a number of different configurations that the balls could take on, with different speeds and magnitudes. You can calculate all of those if you have the right numbers. Now let's say you throw in another set of balls that you don't consider in your calculations of the initial set. Well, then you're not going to get an accurate picture of what's happening. Most people only see the first set and calculate based on that, but some people can see two, three, four or more sets.
You'll understand the concept better when I tell you the story, but I wanted to give you a primer on an important concept that will help you understand why this place, which I'll call "Area X", exists, and what the goals of the people who work there are.
Also note that I'm going to be using the alias "Trent" moving forward. Please refer to me as such in any direct messages.
***
Eighteen years ago I started working as an independent Home Inspector. I dropped out of community college after my first semester (not because I didn't find some of the subjects interesting, but because deference to a man or woman has never been my style) and started working some odd jobs. I did construction work for a couple years, then plumbing. I even drove a garbage truck for six months. I've always found pleasure in using my hands, and getting dirty was never a problem for me. Still, having a boss really dragged ass, so I spent my free time working on creating my own business. It took a few years and lots of savings, but I finally managed to get basic set of Home Inspection equipment: Tyvek coveralls, a cheap half-face respirator, voltage & AFCI/GFCI testers, CO2 and radon monitors, an IR camera, and telescoping mirrors in addition to the boots, safety glasses, electric gloves, ladder, and toolkits I already had on hand.
My buddy at the time was in the business, but he was moving off to the coast, so he helped me get set up and even introduced me to some of his clients. Of course, by that time I had already gotten my State license, but I still was a bit apprehensive to work with insurance agencies. I thought I could make a living working independently, inspecting for mold or sizing up a house for a prospective buyer. Eventually, though, I realized I should probably take every job available to me.
Easing into the business went about as well as it could have. The clients my friend referred to me were very satisfied with my work, and I was able to retain them. Then, in order to increase my reach, I hired someone on Fiverr to build a website for my company which led to a marked increase in traffic and conversions. About six months through, I began to get on a first-name basis with the boys and girls down down at Allstate and Progressive, and they fed me some of the bigger cases. In fact, I got so booked by year's end that I had to hire someone to help manage my schedule and the Excel spreadsheet with all my finances. I capped off a successful year with a 5-star Google rating and a trip to Ireland to visit some family and friends and get piss drunk. When I got back, it was the grindstone all over again, until the summer when I discovered… well, you'll see.
First off, I want to say that I was never one to believe in the paranormal. I grew up watching the movies and hearing the ghost stories round the campfire like every other kid, but it never struck a chord with me. If I can't touch it or see it or hear it, does it really exist? Probably not. So don't go thinking this was a scared man seeing his own shadow. That being said, I had this sense that something was off about this house when I parked along the curb and looked through a large window, perhaps two times the size of my van, to a dingy, dark foyer.
The entire neighborhood was stacked with upper-middle class domiciles, though it seemed like only two thirds of them were occupied, mostly by professionals who commuted to the City every weekday, and the rest were empty. As a man who understands real estate, to say this was strange would be an understatement. Still, I had no problem appraising the mini-mansion for a couple of newlyweds looking to enter the community. I did some research on the property ahead of time, and it seems that it was owned by a couple of old timers who had gone off the grid some time ago. The water and electric bill were both unpaid dating back to 2004 (it was June of '06 now). The bank had repo'd the house (which only had about 100k left on it) and held it for a year and a half before putting it back on the market. I tried to find out more about the old couple who vanished, but there was nothing in the news.
I stepped out of the van in my coveralls and grabbed my suitcase which had my mask, gloves, and eye protection in it. I liked to do a preliminary survey first, running an eye test on the exterior then interior before bringing out the big guns (that way I could identify the areas where I think there could be problems instead of running a metal detector over the whole damn ocean seaboard). I was about to do just that when the window caught my eye again. It felt uncharacteristic of me to be so occupied with this window, but I detoured to the front porch and peeked inside anyway.
Most of the furniture had already been moved out, meaning all that was left was a single three-seater couch, a couple candlesticks on the fireplace mantle, a pristine chandelier overtop a dining room table, and the kitchenware: an oven, gas stovetop, marble countertops, and an island. I could see into the living room very clearly with the afternoon light, but the dining room was dim enough that there were a few structures I couldn't quite make out in the distance. One of them appeared to be some kind of china cabinet or bookshelf—I figured it was the former considering where it was located. The other shadow looked kind of like a grandfather clock. Or at least that's what I thought until it moved.
When I say it "moved", I don't mean to say that it picked up and walked away. If you're not familiar with the Necker Cube, I suggest you search it up, because that kind of illusion is the best way to describe what I saw. At first I was seeing the grandfather clock in a certain way—pushed into the corner of the room—and the next second my vision "corrected" and it was maybe five feet to the left of its former position. I shook my head and looked again and saw the grandfather clock in its second orientation, standing in the center of the room against the wall. I figured I was just seeing things, but even so I spent a little extra time dawdling around the Egress window, taking notes, and delaying the interior inspection.
When I finally grew a pair and went inside, I walked straight to the dining room. Sure enough, the grandfather clock was stowed away in the corner of the room. I spent a couple minutes watching it with my pencil and travel notebook out. I'm the kind of guy that likes to collect hard data when the chips are down. Unfortunately, the clock apparently already had enough fun and was content with sweating me. Oh, well.
I fitted my pencil behind my ear and pocketed my travel notebook, then flipped the rest of the first floor lights on and completed my prelim. I concluded that everything was pretty standard. If anything, the house was in better shape than I'd expect considering it presumably hasn't been lived in for a couple years. I say "presumably" because one can never count out squatters, even during those times. Mainly I was expecting more dust build up and cobwebs than there were. Perhaps someone from the department had come by recently. It's unlikely, but possible.
I did the same check upstairs and it came back mostly clean. There was a bit of staining near the attic I wanted to check for mold. Based on its color, it was probably just a minor case of Aspergillus, but better safe than sorry. Then I got to the basement, and, well, let's just count out the idea of anyone dropping by. I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't what I found.
The first thing that caught my eye was the long, slender body of a birch tree lying pale and dead across a large portion of the even larger unfinished basement's cement flooring. I had to do a double take to make sure I wasn't dreaming, but, yep, there it was. Its crown was sealed up in the wall with only its trunk hanging out, which made me think of those medieval pillory devices which locked up people's heads and arms. Then confetti-scattered around the tree and all over the basement floor was a minefield of broken glass and ceramic tangled up with a set of random objects. And when I say random, I mean random. There was an unfurled Somali flag (the blue one with a single star in the center), some packaged drinks and condiments branded with all sorts of different languages (I could only make out Gaelic and Chinese or Japanese, I couldn't quite tell), a broken dome-shaped security camera, an otoscope (the thing the doc uses to check your ears), Hot Wheels cars (okay that one isn't so strange), and the list goes on.
At that moment, I wasn't freaked out or disgusted. I was more or less just confused. I started walking through the rubble, trying to avoid the sharp fragments but pretty confident that my steel toed boots would crush most the pieces anyway, when I heard a clink just up ahead. I was able to spot the coin in time, just before it jingled to a halt atop an old Life magazine. I picked it up and noted right away its oval shape and bronze color—clearly not American made. I tried reading it, but not only was the language not English, it appeared to be so old that most of the lettering had been filed down. I looked up at the ceiling to see if it dropped from a shelf, but there was nothing that could have been holding the coin. I considered for a moment, looking around at the other junk, and had the crazy idea that maybe all this stuff just appeared here. I popped the coin in my pocket and headed back to the van when I stopped by the tree and realized something. It wasn't a birch tree—it was a palm tree. I just didn't realize because of how ashy and decayed the bark was.
Now at this point you might think I've been acting a little nonchalant for such a strange occurrence, and I don't blame you, but if you're gonna stick around with me that's just something you're gonna have to get used to. I guess I was just born with a screw loose, but I really don't scare easily, and I tend to look at everything pragmatically. If you dig deep enough, you'll always find another plausible explanation. That being said, I do want to get to the part about Area X, so let me give you the rundown on what I learned about this basement.
I ended up trekking back to the van and picking up my gear. I was no longer running the routine inspection, obviously, but I figured I might as well throw 30 thousand dollars of scanning equipment at whatever the fuck anamoly existed in that basement. Most of it came back negative. There was a bit higher-than-usual EM interference as picked up on the voltmeters, but nothing that screamed danger close. Still, it was enough for me to set up my volt testers and IR camera while muddling through the rest of the junk. I won't bore you with another list of items, but I did find one thing of value: a diamond necklace. And not just any diamond necklace, it was one of those Queen-wearing, multi-row, big-jeweled necklaces like out of some Historical Fiction movie from the thirties. I almost didn't pocket it because I'm used to expensive items being owned by someone… someone who might want it back. But I figured if there was ever a place the finder's keeper's rule applied, it was probably in this Quantum graveyard.
7 O'clock rolled around and I hadn't eaten. I'm a pretty bulky guy, carrying my share of both muscle and fat, and most people think that means I need to eat a ton but that's really not the case. Mostly I just get dehydrated easily, especially in the summer. That said, I was bordering on famished territory and considered heading out for a bite when I heard another sound. The first thing I did was check my scanners, and sure enough the voltage needle was fully spun to the right side of the dial. EM interference. Then I went to see what had dropped. I was able to pick the object out pretty quickly since I had spent the last 6 hours staring at the mosaic of a basement floor. It was a silver briefcase, like one of those out of a crime novel, and it was cracked open.
I had this sense then that I was standing at a precipice, and if I opened the briefcase and looked inside, I wouldn't be able to stop whatever would come afterwards. Part of me deep down knew that I was just that type of guy that had to know, and maybe this was my Hamlet moment where it would be a trait gone a step too far. But then again I didn't really believe in any of that sentimental bullshit, so I opened the briefcase.
The gun surprised me a little, but not as much as the piece of paper laid atop a case file reading in large black font, "FIND ME". I expected the envelope to have some missing person file in it, but instead there were all these schematics and blueprints for some kind of device. Whatever it was, it was pretty massive. Some of the lengths were hundreds of meters long. And what's more strange is based on the blueprint's locale, it appeared to be underground. I looked back through the pages a couple times, then checked the note—nothing strange there. The gun appeared to be a simple glock. I was no gun expert, but I had been to the range pretty regularly with my construction buddies, so I got used to the feel of a pistol and rifle and some of the different names; however, I realized pretty quickly it wasn't your standard glock when I couldn't find mag-release. That's when I noticed how light the gun felt. I tried to chamber a round, but again, there was no hammer. What the hell kind of gun was this?
I ended up throwing everything back in the briefcase, including the necklace, coin, and a few Koozies I found that were branded with one of my favorite sports teams (never let an opportunity go to waste). I put up all my shit back in the van and spun over to a local burger joint, got my fill, and went home. I made sure to draft an email to the prospective buyers, telling them the house had several patches of black mold and a bit of a rat problem before drifting off to sleep. Although I really didn't do much of that.
When I woke up, I took a cold shower and downed a can of Reign, then commuted to my gym and got a lift and some sauna time in before making the trip back to the house. I brought some extra supplies with me for some experiments I cooked up while not sleeping the previous night.
First, I had two camcorders set up on a couple tripods in either corner of the basement. I wanted clear footage of these mystery objects spawning in. Then I set up a voltmeter in a similar fashion, but I had a wire extending out of it on a circuit which fed to an alarm that would blare when the reading was over 250 volts. Upstairs, I rearranged some of the furniture so that the small number of tables, chairs, clock, cabinets, and other little pillows or vases I could find were scattered across the living room, dining room, and kitchen. Then I pulled up a lawn chair to the front porch window and waited.
I didn't have to wait long though. In about a minute, I started to notice some of the objects moving. It was strange. When a few of them would shift simultaneously, it was like looking at a holographic card that would change shape depending on where your eyes were in relation to the image. Every time I saw a shift, I felt an awkward feeling in my eyes. They went blurry for a fraction of a second, then there was a twinge of pain, as if my brain couldn't handle the contradictory stimulus. It didn't get more crazy than that though—until the alarm went off.
I had cracked open the small rectangular window in the basement to the side of the house so I would hear it. It took four hours and several strange stares from passersby walking their dogs before it rang, so I was a bit lost in my thoughts, but when I heard the beep I perked up fast. It lasted for maybe 5 seconds total, but what I saw was truly miraculous. The best way I can describe it is a pool of silver or gray or translucent light emerging in the foreground between me and the objects in the different rooms. A series of twisting tentacles sprouted from the gray octopus-like head and spun in a way that reminded me of that little kids ride at the amusement parks. Then the objects started to "heat up" is the way I describe it. Their position became relative, meaning they were here one second, there another, then they popped out of existence entirely. Suddenly the rooms were all empty, then they were full of things I had never seen before. Then five seconds passed and the octopus vanished and it was back to the same old objects in their usual places.
It took a few minutes to process what I saw, and even then I wasn't sure I really saw it. I went inside and looked around at my distribution of the house's furnishings. They were all there, intact. Then I went downstairs to check the cams. I rewinded a couple minutes and played it back, but there was no flying object to be found. Instead, there was some gray static that lasted half a second and then the object, a kid's treasure chest toy, was there on the ground. But you want to know the really strange part? I rewinded the tape again, and when I watched the footage back, the treasure chest was always there.
I later came to understand that these poppings in-and-out of our reality are only conceivable to a conscious mind that can track the interference patterns—not rote computational instruments. In fact, even most people can't do it (although everyone has at least a slight awareness of it, even if only subconsciously). Plus, locations like the basement of this house are very rare and kept under tight lock. That became obvious to me two days later when, after my normal morning routine, I pulled up to a driveway and curbside filled with unmarked government vehicles. Either bravely or stupidly, I pulled up to a few officers (they were wearing suits in 85 degree weather, so I assumed…) who were idling by the large fence of crime scene tape and asked them what the score was.
"There was a crime," said the short man with a unibrow.
"Oh, is that right? Damn shame. Someone break in? I have a niece who lives nearby, so…"
The man looked at his two compatriots, both of whom were wearing sunglasses and a "get this civilian fuck out of here" expressions. "Oh, yeah," he started in a reassuring tone that was so condescending it would have annoyed anyone except me, "we found a body. We think it was a homicide. Best to keep your kids away from here for a while."
I thumbed the stubble on my chin, my other hand outstretched on the wheel, and considered moving on, but my mouth had other ideas. "That right? But uh, isn't this house vacant? I mean, I don't remember no one living in it."
The short man, now tall with temper, said, "Yeah, some squatters. We think there was a dispute over some drug money. Nothing for you to worry about though, we got it under control. Now if you wouldn't mind moving along, we have a lot of work to do."
Oh, I'm sure you do, I thought, but only said, "Of course, sir, sorry for keeping you from your job." Then I rolled up the window and cruised on, keeping my eyes on the house which slowly diminished in the side-view mirror.
Luckily I had been smart enough to break down my camp and lug home all my equipment each night, so I didn't leave anything incriminating. I didn't move the furniture back, so maybe that would come back to haunt me, but considering the kind of shit going down in that house, I didn't think they would notice.
For any of you wondering about the conclusion of the house story, I went back a couple weeks later after the suits had left and the tape was taken down and confirmed that not only was the basement entirely cleaned out, but it was no longer exhibiting any strange properties. I looked for a story related to the house, maybe a made up murder of some kind, but there was nothing. That bastard lied to me and didn't even bother to cover his story up.
Now, in the aftermath of an event such as this, I really only had one of two options. I could forget it, move on, continue living life. The necklace was surely worth a fortune. I could sell it and have enough to retire, or at least hire enough people and expand my business large enough to retire within ten or so years. Or I could take all that money and invest it in my own PI business with only a single objective: finding out what those people knew, and why they were hiding it.
I think you know me well enough by now to guess which line of reasoning appealed more to me.
***
For the sake of brevity, I'm going to omit most of my encounters along the journey to discovering Area X. There's a lot to tell, and if it appeals to you perhaps I'd be willing to share at a later date, but for now I want to get this part of the story, the more proximal part, out in the open.
Three years ago, I discovered the source of what I'll call "The Receiver". This is the device that was schematized in the documents that I found in the briefcase. What it does is a complex answer, and how it does it is pretty much all speculation, but here's what I've been able to find out: this universe we live in is a node in a network of many other spaces. These spaces exist in higher dimensions that we cannot directly perceive, but using a conceivable analogy, just think about a flower with petals. The petals are these other dimensions which bleed into our world, which is at the center. However, it's not that pretty. We see the physical world through the lens of spacetime: sizes, speeds, etc. These other dimensions don't necessarily have space or time. In fact, what actually exists there, I couldn't say. The only data I have on them is from two sources: correspondence information and server data from the secret agency (which I'll call "the Organization") that keeps this under wraps, and first-hand experience with realms from these other entities, either directly (I experience it) or through the eyes of someone else with the same or greater abilities than I possess.
I referred to these people with abilities earlier as "Antennas", and I will continue to use the term. Antennas really come in three flavors, marked by the strength of their ability: weak Antennas, like me, are able to observe spontaneous interactions between our universe and other dimensions (phase shifts) when there is a strong force of collision like existed in the basement; moderate Antennas may see phase shifts occur at any point, and they usually are able to retain memories from across the different transformations; strong Antennas, and I don't know if they exist yet, but they are able to consciously interact with these other realms and cause phase shifts to occur.
I mentioned that moderate Antennas are able to retain memories from before and after a phase shift. Technically, all Antennas have this ability, but it's about degree. I can recall only very specific instances and without much detail. Moderates are usually able to pick out much more nuanced minutiae. At the lower end of moderate scale, most of those details fade or get fuzzy over time, but for the very strong Antennas, they hold onto almost everything. One other property that scales with strength is interaction with other conscious entities. Only a small percentage of moderates are able to do this. What's interesting is that these entities can possess (yes, like ghosts) people who aren't even antennas, but no one is aware of such possession at this deep of a level. I have several companions now, and only two have had interactions with these otherworldly beings. Not all of them are malevolent, some of them are whimsical or kind, but there are a fair share of demons out there.
Getting back to the point, Area X started as a government funded project in the 70's. At that time, they were focused on a few subjects: Artificial Intelligence, DNA sequencing, and psychedelics. Yes, they were part of the infamous LSD experiments. But they looked at these subjects through a common lens—there was something that the burgeoning tech industry, fueled by the advent of a commercial computer market, was missing. As the tech giants rose in the early 2000's and began to collect mass amounts of data, this other agency was decades ahead in a different metric, although it was completely (and still is) hidden from the public. Their efforts to understand psychedelic experiences led to a formalized method of understanding interactions between multiple realities. They built certain scanning equipment to detect anomalies like the one I found in the basement; although their tools were much more sophisticated and didn't utilize voltage readings. Then they ran tests in these areas. One area in particular is a hot-bed of phase shift interactions. That's where Area X is located (and the Receiver).
The Receiver is a giant electromagnetic orb that has trapped the kind of multi-dimensional energy that causes the phase shifts; since the Organization seized control of the lab, it's effectively become a map of the Earth in relation to these other worlds. For the past twenty or so years, the Organization has been studying this map, using the data big Tech companies have collected to essentially develop a Rosetta Stone for interpreting the meaning of the fluctuations in their scanning equipment. Recently, the public, though going the long way round, was actually pretty close to a breakthrough in this same department until recently when ultra-powerful LLMs surfaced, and the whole world began going down what I'd argue is the wrong rabbit hole of language processing. But I digress.
Area X is essentially a private military base built for defending the most impactful piece of technology ever invented. With the Receiver, the Organization now has the power to essentially predict any and all future outcomes, the only thing holding them back is the limitations of their own scanning equipment which will get better with time. To put it into perspective, the Organization has access to a kind of data allocation tool which in one day can produce over ten thousand times that the Big Data companies combined would be able to filter through in the next decade. You might think, then, that the problem is merely asymmetric power, and that is certainly a concern, but it isn't the main concern. The main issue is that this organization is actively recruiting (and kidnapping) Antennas from around the world in an effort to find or make one of them into a strong Antenna. In other words, they want a subject who is able not only to see the future, but to manipulate it at will.
balance to the world. I've been working on amassing resources, capital, and building my own team, and now I'm ready. You might ask why I'm posting this here. Wouldn't it be better to keep all this secret? Well, yes, it would be. But that's the problem. Nothing is secret anymore. They know about me and the others, and if I don't make a move, they will. In a way, this is a letter directly to the organization that I know, and I'm coming.
In a different way, I wanted to release this information to the public. There are lots of people out there waking up and realizing that the world they experience is not the one others experience. If you think you might be an Antenna, don't be afraid—you have a special gift that can be controlled. If you want more details on how to control it, or if you're interested in my mission, don't be afraid to reach out. This hasn't always been my life's work, but it is now.
At least until I die.

I won't disclose its actual location, so if that's why you're here, sorry to disappoint. It's not time for that yet. However, I do think it's time to start getting the word out. I've noticed an increase in what I'll call "Antennas" lately, or people who can detect cross-planar phase shifts. Without getting into all the math (some of which I don't even know), this is basically a phenomenon which refers to entropy seeping into our universe from other realms or universes or whatever you want to call it. Simply put, people think our universe is a closed system to entropy, meaning that the disorder of any variable in our universe can only increase or decrease in direct proportion to other variables in that same system (the universe). Under this precept, we can establish rules like the Laws of Thermodynamics, and for most people, they're effective. But not for Antennas.
Put another way, if you throw a bunch of bouncy balls into a box, there are a number of different configurations that the balls could take on, with different speeds and magnitudes. You can calculate all of those if you have the right numbers. Now let's say you throw in another set of balls that you don't consider in your calculations of the initial set. Well, then you're not going to get an accurate picture of what's happening. Most people only see the first set and calculate based on that, but some people can see two, three, four or more sets.
You'll understand the concept better when I tell you the story, but I wanted to give you a primer on an important concept that will help you understand why this place, which I'll call "Area X", exists, and what the goals of the people who work there are.
Also note that I'm going to be using the alias "Trent" moving forward. Please refer to me as such in any direct messages.
***
Eighteen years ago I started working as an independent Home Inspector. I dropped out of community college after my first semester (not because I didn't find some of the subjects interesting, but because deference to a man or woman has never been my style) and started working some odd jobs. I did construction work for a couple years, then plumbing. I even drove a garbage truck for six months. I've always found pleasure in using my hands, and getting dirty was never a problem for me. Still, having a boss really dragged ass, so I spent my free time working on creating my own business. It took a few years and lots of savings, but I finally managed to get basic set of Home Inspection equipment: Tyvek coveralls, a cheap half-face respirator, voltage & AFCI/GFCI testers, CO2 and radon monitors, an IR camera, and telescoping mirrors in addition to the boots, safety glasses, electric gloves, ladder, and toolkits I already had on hand.
My buddy at the time was in the business, but he was moving off to the coast, so he helped me get set up and even introduced me to some of his clients. Of course, by that time I had already gotten my State license, but I still was a bit apprehensive to work with insurance agencies. I thought I could make a living working independently, inspecting for mold or sizing up a house for a prospective buyer. Eventually, though, I realized I should probably take every job available to me.
Easing into the business went about as well as it could have. The clients my friend referred to me were very satisfied with my work, and I was able to retain them. Then, in order to increase my reach, I hired someone on Fiverr to build a website for my company which led to a marked increase in traffic and conversions. About six months through, I began to get on a first-name basis with the boys and girls down down at Allstate and Progressive, and they fed me some of the bigger cases. In fact, I got so booked by year's end that I had to hire someone to help manage my schedule and the Excel spreadsheet with all my finances. I capped off a successful year with a 5-star Google rating and a trip to Ireland to visit some family and friends and get piss drunk. When I got back, it was the grindstone all over again, until the summer when I discovered… well, you'll see.
First off, I want to say that I was never one to believe in the paranormal. I grew up watching the movies and hearing the ghost stories round the campfire like every other kid, but it never struck a chord with me. If I can't touch it or see it or hear it, does it really exist? Probably not. So don't go thinking this was a scared man seeing his own shadow. That being said, I had this sense that something was off about this house when I parked along the curb and looked through a large window, perhaps two times the size of my van, to a dingy, dark foyer.
The entire neighborhood was stacked with upper-middle class domiciles, though it seemed like only two thirds of them were occupied, mostly by professionals who commuted to the City every weekday, and the rest were empty. As a man who understands real estate, to say this was strange would be an understatement. Still, I had no problem appraising the mini-mansion for a couple of newlyweds looking to enter the community. I did some research on the property ahead of time, and it seems that it was owned by a couple of old timers who had gone off the grid some time ago. The water and electric bill were both unpaid dating back to 2004 (it was June of '06 now). The bank had repo'd the house (which only had about 100k left on it) and held it for a year and a half before putting it back on the market. I tried to find out more about the old couple who vanished, but there was nothing in the news.
I stepped out of the van in my coveralls and grabbed my suitcase which had my mask, gloves, and eye protection in it. I liked to do a preliminary survey first, running an eye test on the exterior then interior before bringing out the big guns (that way I could identify the areas where I think there could be problems instead of running a metal detector over the whole damn ocean seaboard). I was about to do just that when the window caught my eye again. It felt uncharacteristic of me to be so occupied with this window, but I detoured to the front porch and peeked inside anyway.
Most of the furniture had already been moved out, meaning all that was left was a single three-seater couch, a couple candlesticks on the fireplace mantle, a pristine chandelier overtop a dining room table, and the kitchenware: an oven, gas stovetop, marble countertops, and an island. I could see into the living room very clearly with the afternoon light, but the dining room was dim enough that there were a few structures I couldn't quite make out in the distance. One of them appeared to be some kind of china cabinet or bookshelf—I figured it was the former considering where it was located. The other shadow looked kind of like a grandfather clock. Or at least that's what I thought until it moved.
When I say it "moved", I don't mean to say that it picked up and walked away. If you're not familiar with the Necker Cube, I suggest you search it up, because that kind of illusion is the best way to describe what I saw. At first I was seeing the grandfather clock in a certain way—pushed into the corner of the room—and the next second my vision "corrected" and it was maybe five feet to the left of its former position. I shook my head and looked again and saw the grandfather clock in its second orientation, standing in the center of the room against the wall. I figured I was just seeing things, but even so I spent a little extra time dawdling around the Egress window, taking notes, and delaying the interior inspection.
When I finally grew a pair and went inside, I walked straight to the dining room. Sure enough, the grandfather clock was stowed away in the corner of the room. I spent a couple minutes watching it with my pencil and travel notebook out. I'm the kind of guy that likes to collect hard data when the chips are down. Unfortunately, the clock apparently already had enough fun and was content with sweating me. Oh, well.
I fitted my pencil behind my ear and pocketed my travel notebook, then flipped the rest of the first floor lights on and completed my prelim. I concluded that everything was pretty standard. If anything, the house was in better shape than I'd expect considering it presumably hasn't been lived in for a couple years. I say "presumably" because one can never count out squatters, even during those times. Mainly I was expecting more dust build up and cobwebs than there were. Perhaps someone from the department had come by recently. It's unlikely, but possible.
I did the same check upstairs and it came back mostly clean. There was a bit of staining near the attic I wanted to check for mold. Based on its color, it was probably just a minor case of Aspergillus, but better safe than sorry. Then I got to the basement, and, well, let's just count out the idea of anyone dropping by. I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't what I found.
The first thing that caught my eye was the long, slender body of a birch tree lying pale and dead across a large portion of the even larger unfinished basement's cement flooring. I had to do a double take to make sure I wasn't dreaming, but, yep, there it was. Its crown was sealed up in the wall with only its trunk hanging out, which made me think of those medieval pillory devices which locked up people's heads and arms. Then confetti-scattered around the tree and all over the basement floor was a minefield of broken glass and ceramic tangled up with a set of random objects. And when I say random, I mean random. There was an unfurled Somali flag (the blue one with a single star in the center), some packaged drinks and condiments branded with all sorts of different languages (I could only make out Gaelic and Chinese or Japanese, I couldn't quite tell), a broken dome-shaped security camera, an otoscope (the thing the doc uses to check your ears), Hot Wheels cars (okay that one isn't so strange), and the list goes on.
At that moment, I wasn't freaked out or disgusted. I was more or less just confused. I started walking through the rubble, trying to avoid the sharp fragments but pretty confident that my steel toed boots would crush most the pieces anyway, when I heard a clink just up ahead. I was able to spot the coin in time, just before it jingled to a halt atop an old Life magazine. I picked it up and noted right away its oval shape and bronze color—clearly not American made. I tried reading it, but not only was the language not English, it appeared to be so old that most of the lettering had been filed down. I looked up at the ceiling to see if it dropped from a shelf, but there was nothing that could have been holding the coin. I considered for a moment, looking around at the other junk, and had the crazy idea that maybe all this stuff just appeared here. I popped the coin in my pocket and headed back to the van when I stopped by the tree and realized something. It wasn't a birch tree—it was a palm tree. I just didn't realize because of how ashy and decayed the bark was.
Now at this point you might think I've been acting a little nonchalant for such a strange occurrence, and I don't blame you, but if you're gonna stick around with me that's just something you're gonna have to get used to. I guess I was just born with a screw loose, but I really don't scare easily, and I tend to look at everything pragmatically. If you dig deep enough, you'll always find another plausible explanation. That being said, I do want to get to the part about Area X, so let me give you the rundown on what I learned about this basement.
I ended up trekking back to the van and picking up my gear. I was no longer running the routine inspection, obviously, but I figured I might as well throw 30 thousand dollars of scanning equipment at whatever the fuck anamoly existed in that basement. Most of it came back negative. There was a bit higher-than-usual EM interference as picked up on the voltmeters, but nothing that screamed danger close. Still, it was enough for me to set up my volt testers and IR camera while muddling through the rest of the junk. I won't bore you with another list of items, but I did find one thing of value: a diamond necklace. And not just any diamond necklace, it was one of those Queen-wearing, multi-row, big-jeweled necklaces like out of some Historical Fiction movie from the thirties. I almost didn't pocket it because I'm used to expensive items being owned by someone… someone who might want it back. But I figured if there was ever a place the finder's keeper's rule applied, it was probably in this Quantum graveyard.
7 O'clock rolled around and I hadn't eaten. I'm a pretty bulky guy, carrying my share of both muscle and fat, and most people think that means I need to eat a ton but that's really not the case. Mostly I just get dehydrated easily, especially in the summer. That said, I was bordering on famished territory and considered heading out for a bite when I heard another sound. The first thing I did was check my scanners, and sure enough the voltage needle was fully spun to the right side of the dial. EM interference. Then I went to see what had dropped. I was able to pick the object out pretty quickly since I had spent the last 6 hours staring at the mosaic of a basement floor. It was a silver briefcase, like one of those out of a crime novel, and it was cracked open.
I had this sense then that I was standing at a precipice, and if I opened the briefcase and looked inside, I wouldn't be able to stop whatever would come afterwards. Part of me deep down knew that I was just that type of guy that had to know, and maybe this was my Hamlet moment where it would be a trait gone a step too far. But then again I didn't really believe in any of that sentimental bullshit, so I opened the briefcase.
The gun surprised me a little, but not as much as the piece of paper laid atop a case file reading in large black font, "FIND ME". I expected the envelope to have some missing person file in it, but instead there were all these schematics and blueprints for some kind of device. Whatever it was, it was pretty massive. Some of the lengths were hundreds of meters long. And what's more strange is based on the blueprint's locale, it appeared to be underground. I looked back through the pages a couple times, then checked the note—nothing strange there. The gun appeared to be a simple glock. I was no gun expert, but I had been to the range pretty regularly with my construction buddies, so I got used to the feel of a pistol and rifle and some of the different names; however, I realized pretty quickly it wasn't your standard glock when I couldn't find mag-release. That's when I noticed how light the gun felt. I tried to chamber a round, but again, there was no hammer. What the hell kind of gun was this?
I ended up throwing everything back in the briefcase, including the necklace, coin, and a few Koozies I found that were branded with one of my favorite sports teams (never let an opportunity go to waste). I put up all my shit back in the van and spun over to a local burger joint, got my fill, and went home. I made sure to draft an email to the prospective buyers, telling them the house had several patches of black mold and a bit of a rat problem before drifting off to sleep. Although I really didn't do much of that.
When I woke up, I took a cold shower and downed a can of Reign, then commuted to my gym and got a lift and some sauna time in before making the trip back to the house. I brought some extra supplies with me for some experiments I cooked up while not sleeping the previous night.
First, I had two camcorders set up on a couple tripods in either corner of the basement. I wanted clear footage of these mystery objects spawning in. Then I set up a voltmeter in a similar fashion, but I had a wire extending out of it on a circuit which fed to an alarm that would blare when the reading was over 250 volts. Upstairs, I rearranged some of the furniture so that the small number of tables, chairs, clock, cabinets, and other little pillows or vases I could find were scattered across the living room, dining room, and kitchen. Then I pulled up a lawn chair to the front porch window and waited.
I didn't have to wait long though. In about a minute, I started to notice some of the objects moving. It was strange. When a few of them would shift simultaneously, it was like looking at a holographic card that would change shape depending on where your eyes were in relation to the image. Every time I saw a shift, I felt an awkward feeling in my eyes. They went blurry for a fraction of a second, then there was a twinge of pain, as if my brain couldn't handle the contradictory stimulus. It didn't get more crazy than that though—until the alarm went off.
I had cracked open the small rectangular window in the basement to the side of the house so I would hear it. It took four hours and several strange stares from passersby walking their dogs before it rang, so I was a bit lost in my thoughts, but when I heard the beep I perked up fast. It lasted for maybe 5 seconds total, but what I saw was truly miraculous. The best way I can describe it is a pool of silver or gray or translucent light emerging in the foreground between me and the objects in the different rooms. A series of twisting tentacles sprouted from the gray octopus-like head and spun in a way that reminded me of that little kids ride at the amusement parks. Then the objects started to "heat up" is the way I describe it. Their position became relative, meaning they were here one second, there another, then they popped out of existence entirely. Suddenly the rooms were all empty, then they were full of things I had never seen before. Then five seconds passed and the octopus vanished and it was back to the same old objects in their usual places.
It took a few minutes to process what I saw, and even then I wasn't sure I really saw it. I went inside and looked around at my distribution of the house's furnishings. They were all there, intact. Then I went downstairs to check the cams. I rewinded a couple minutes and played it back, but there was no flying object to be found. Instead, there was some gray static that lasted half a second and then the object, a kid's treasure chest toy, was there on the ground. But you want to know the really strange part? I rewinded the tape again, and when I watched the footage back, the treasure chest was always there.
I later came to understand that these poppings in-and-out of our reality are only conceivable to a conscious mind that can track the interference patterns—not rote computational instruments. In fact, even most people can't do it (although everyone has at least a slight awareness of it, even if only subconsciously). Plus, locations like the basement of this house are very rare and kept under tight lock. That became obvious to me two days later when, after my normal morning routine, I pulled up to a driveway and curbside filled with unmarked government vehicles. Either bravely or stupidly, I pulled up to a few officers (they were wearing suits in 85 degree weather, so I assumed…) who were idling by the large fence of crime scene tape and asked them what the score was.
"There was a crime," said the short man with a unibrow.
"Oh, is that right? Damn shame. Someone break in? I have a niece who lives nearby, so…"
The man looked at his two compatriots, both of whom were wearing sunglasses and a "get this civilian fuck out of here" expressions. "Oh, yeah," he started in a reassuring tone that was so condescending it would have annoyed anyone except me, "we found a body. We think it was a homicide. Best to keep your kids away from here for a while."
I thumbed the stubble on my chin, my other hand outstretched on the wheel, and considered moving on, but my mouth had other ideas. "That right? But uh, isn't this house vacant? I mean, I don't remember no one living in it."
The short man, now tall with temper, said, "Yeah, some squatters. We think there was a dispute over some drug money. Nothing for you to worry about though, we got it under control. Now if you wouldn't mind moving along, we have a lot of work to do."
Oh, I'm sure you do, I thought, but only said, "Of course, sir, sorry for keeping you from your job." Then I rolled up the window and cruised on, keeping my eyes on the house which slowly diminished in the side-view mirror.
Luckily I had been smart enough to break down my camp and lug home all my equipment each night, so I didn't leave anything incriminating. I didn't move the furniture back, so maybe that would come back to haunt me, but considering the kind of shit going down in that house, I didn't think they would notice.
For any of you wondering about the conclusion of the house story, I went back a couple weeks later after the suits had left and the tape was taken down and confirmed that not only was the basement entirely cleaned out, but it was no longer exhibiting any strange properties. I looked for a story related to the house, maybe a made up murder of some kind, but there was nothing. That bastard lied to me and didn't even bother to cover his story up.
Now, in the aftermath of an event such as this, I really only had one of two options. I could forget it, move on, continue living life. The necklace was surely worth a fortune. I could sell it and have enough to retire, or at least hire enough people and expand my business large enough to retire within ten or so years. Or I could take all that money and invest it in my own PI business with only a single objective: finding out what those people knew, and why they were hiding it.
I think you know me well enough by now to guess which line of reasoning appealed more to me.
***
For the sake of brevity, I'm going to omit most of my encounters along the journey to discovering Area X. There's a lot to tell, and if it appeals to you perhaps I'd be willing to share at a later date, but for now I want to get this part of the story, the more proximal part, out in the open.
Three years ago, I discovered the source of what I'll call "The Receiver". This is the device that was schematized in the documents that I found in the briefcase. What it does is a complex answer, and how it does it is pretty much all speculation, but here's what I've been able to find out: this universe we live in is a node in a network of many other spaces. These spaces exist in higher dimensions that we cannot directly perceive, but using a conceivable analogy, just think about a flower with petals. The petals are these other dimensions which bleed into our world, which is at the center. However, it's not that pretty. We see the physical world through the lens of spacetime: sizes, speeds, etc. These other dimensions don't necessarily have space or time. In fact, what actually exists there, I couldn't say. The only data I have on them is from two sources: correspondence information and server data from the secret agency (which I'll call "the Organization") that keeps this under wraps, and first-hand experience with realms from these other entities, either directly (I experience it) or through the eyes of someone else with the same or greater abilities than I possess.
I referred to these people with abilities earlier as "Antennas", and I will continue to use the term. Antennas really come in three flavors, marked by the strength of their ability: weak Antennas, like me, are able to observe spontaneous interactions between our universe and other dimensions (phase shifts) when there is a strong force of collision like existed in the basement; moderate Antennas may see phase shifts occur at any point, and they usually are able to retain memories from across the different transformations; strong Antennas, and I don't know if they exist yet, but they are able to consciously interact with these other realms and cause phase shifts to occur.
I mentioned that moderate Antennas are able to retain memories from before and after a phase shift. Technically, all Antennas have this ability, but it's about degree. I can recall only very specific instances and without much detail. Moderates are usually able to pick out much more nuanced minutiae. At the lower end of moderate scale, most of those details fade or get fuzzy over time, but for the very strong Antennas, they hold onto almost everything. One other property that scales with strength is interaction with other conscious entities. Only a small percentage of moderates are able to do this. What's interesting is that these entities can possess (yes, like ghosts) people who aren't even antennas, but no one is aware of such possession at this deep of a level. I have several companions now, and only two have had interactions with these otherworldly beings. Not all of them are malevolent, some of them are whimsical or kind, but there are a fair share of demons out there.
Getting back to the point, Area X started as a government funded project in the 70's. At that time, they were focused on a few subjects: Artificial Intelligence, DNA sequencing, and psychedelics. Yes, they were part of the infamous LSD experiments. But they looked at these subjects through a common lens—there was something that the burgeoning tech industry, fueled by the advent of a commercial computer market, was missing. As the tech giants rose in the early 2000's and began to collect mass amounts of data, this other agency was decades ahead in a different metric, although it was completely (and still is) hidden from the public. Their efforts to understand psychedelic experiences led to a formalized method of understanding interactions between multiple realities. They built certain scanning equipment to detect anomalies like the one I found in the basement; although their tools were much more sophisticated and didn't utilize voltage readings. Then they ran tests in these areas. One area in particular is a hot-bed of phase shift interactions. That's where Area X is located (and the Receiver).
The Receiver is a giant electromagnetic orb that has trapped the kind of multi-dimensional energy that causes the phase shifts; since the Organization seized control of the lab, it's effectively become a map of the Earth in relation to these other worlds. For the past twenty or so years, the Organization has been studying this map, using the data big Tech companies have collected to essentially develop a Rosetta Stone for interpreting the meaning of the fluctuations in their scanning equipment. Recently, the public, though going the long way round, was actually pretty close to a breakthrough in this same department until recently when ultra-powerful LLMs surfaced, and the whole world began going down what I'd argue is the wrong rabbit hole of language processing. But I digress.
Area X is essentially a private military base built for defending the most impactful piece of technology ever invented. With the Receiver, the Organization now has the power to essentially predict any and all future outcomes, the only thing holding them back is the limitations of their own scanning equipment which will get better with time. To put it into perspective, the Organization has access to a kind of data allocation tool which in one day can produce over ten thousand times that the Big Data companies combined would be able to filter through in the next decade. You might think, then, that the problem is merely asymmetric power, and that is certainly a concern, but it isn't the main concern. The main issue is that this organization is actively recruiting (and kidnapping) Antennas from around the world in an effort to find or make one of them into a strong Antenna. In other words, they want a subject who is able not only to see the future, but to manipulate it at will.
balance to the world. I've been working on amassing resources, capital, and building my own team, and now I'm ready. You might ask why I'm posting this here. Wouldn't it be better to keep all this secret? Well, yes, it would be. But that's the problem. Nothing is secret anymore. They know about me and the others, and if I don't make a move, they will. In a way, this is a letter directly to the organization that I know, and I'm coming.
In a different way, I wanted to release this information to the public. There are lots of people out there waking up and realizing that the world they experience is not the one others experience. If you think you might be an Antenna, don't be afraid—you have a special gift that can be controlled. If you want more details on how to control it, or if you're interested in my mission, don't be afraid to reach out. This hasn't always been my life's work, but it is now.
At least until I die.

Want:

• Civil engineer OE/AP/WWR armor pieces (any piece, will bundle)
• Civil engineer Uny/AP/WWR armor pieces (any piece, will bundle)
• Possibly Civil engineer OE/ ? /WWR right leg
• Possibly Civil engineer Uny/ ? /WWR armor pieces (C,LL,RA)
• Blue ridge branding iron V/SS/S & B/SS/S

Have:

Combat armor

• Combat armor chest - Light - level 50 - W/Poi/Cav
• Combat armor left arm - Sturdy - level 50 - AS/Glutt/WWR
• Combat armor left arm - Light - level 50 - B/End/AWR
• Combat armor left arm - Heavy - level 50 - OE/Int/Sent
• Combat armor left arm - Light - level 50 - V/S/AWR
• Combat armor left leg - Heavy - level 50 - B/Cryo/Sent
• Combat armor left leg - Heavy - level 50 - Cl/AP/WWR
• Combat armor left arm - Heavy - level 50 - OE/Env/Cav
• Combat armor left leg - Sturdy - level 50 - Uny/S/RadRegen
• Combat armor left leg - Sturdy - level 50 - V/S/Sent
• Combat armor left leg - Heavy - level 50 - W/AP/Sent
• Combat armor right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - OE/C/WWR
• Combat armor right arm - Light - level 50 - V/AP/Cryo
• Combat armor right leg - Sturdy - level 50 - V/AP/Gho

Civil engineer armor

• Civil engineer chest - Sturdy - level 50 - LS/AP/FWR
• Civil engineer chest - Sturdy - level 50 - LS/Rad/FWR
• Civil engineer chest - Sturdy - level 50 - OE/Glutt/RadRegen
• Civil engineer chest - Sturdy - level 50 - OE/End/AWR
• Civil engineer chest - Sturdy - level 50 - OE/Poi/Cav
• Civil engineer chest - Sturdy - level 50 - N/AP/Sent
• Civil engineer chest - Sturdy - level 50 - W/C/Cav
• Civil engineer chest - Sturdy - level 50 - W/S/AWR
• Civil engineer chest - Sturdy - level 50 - W/Int/WWR
• Civil engineer chest - Sturdy - level 50 - W/Explo/Cav
• Civil engineer chest - Sturdy - level 50 - Ass/Poi/FWR
• Civil engineer chest - Sturdy - level 50 - Uny/Cryo/Cryo
• Civil engineer chest - Sturdy - level 50 - Uny/S/Poison
• Civil engineer left arm - Sturdy - level 50 - Ass/s/Cav
• Civil engineer left arm - Sturdy - level 50 - Arist/S/WWR
• Civil engineer left arm - Sturdy - level 50 - Cl/Explo/FWR
• Civil engineer left arm - Sturdy - level 50 - LS/End/WWR
• Civil engineer left arm - Sturdy - level 50 - LS/Env/WWR
• Civil engineer left arm - Sturdy - level 50 - Uny/A/FWR
• Civil engineer left arm - Sturdy - level 50 - Uny/End/JWR
• Civil engineer left arm - Sturdy - level 50 - Z/End/Cav
• Civil engineer left leg - Sturdy - level 50 - Ass/Explo/WWR
• Civil engineer left leg - Sturdy - level 50 - B/AP/Sent
• Civil engineer left leg - Sturdy - level 50 - LS/End/FWR
• Civil engineer left leg - Sturdy - level 50 - LS/Explo/WWR
• Civil engineer left leg - Sturdy - level 50 - OE/Int/Gho
• Civil engineer left leg - Sturdy - level 50 - OE/Env/Sent
• Civil engineer left leg - Sturdy - level 50 - Reg/Poi/FWR
• Civil engineer left leg - Sturdy - level 50 - Reg/AP/Cav
• Civil engineer left leg - Sturdy - level 50 - V/Fire/AWR
• Civil engineer left leg - Sturdy - level 50 - Uny/AP/Underwater
• Civil engineer right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - Ass/End/WWR
• Civil engineer right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - Arist/AP/Poison
• Civil engineer right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - B/Fire/WWR
• Civil engineer right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - B/Rad/Cav
• Civil engineer right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - LS/Poi/Cav
• Civil engineer right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - OE/Explo/Sent
• Civil engineer right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - OE/Fire/RadRegen
• Civil engineer right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - OE/Rad/Cav
• Civil engineer right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - Reg/End/WWR
• Civil engineer right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - Uny/Env/Cav
• Civil engineer right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - V/S/AWR
• Civil engineer right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - V/Poi/Gho
• Civil engineer right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - V/End/FWR
• Civil engineer right leg - Sturdy - level 50 - M/End/Sent
• Civil engineer right leg - Sturdy - level 50 - OE/AP/Burn
• Civil engineer right leg - Sturdy - level 50 - OE/Fire/15L
• Civil engineer right leg - Sturdy - level 50 - OE/P/Sent
• Civil engineer right leg - Sturdy - level 50 - Uny/A/AWR
• Civil engineer right leg - Sturdy - level 50 - W/Poi/AWR

Forest scout armor

• Forest scout chest - Light - level 50 - AS/End/JWR
• Forest scout chest - Light - level 50 - B/Explo/15L
• Forest scout chest - Light - level 50 - OE/C/Cav
• Forest scout chest - Light - level 50 - Uny/Explo/Burn
• Forest scout chest - Light - level 50 - Uny/C/Sent
• Forest scout left arm - Light - level 50 - Cl/AP/WWR
• Forest scout left arm - Light - level 50 - OE/Poi/Cav
• Forest scout left arm - Light - level 50 - Uny/Rad/WWR
• Forest scout left leg - Light - level 50 - Cl/Cryo/WWR
• Forest scout left leg - Light - level 50 - OE/Cryo/Cryo
• Forest scout left leg - Light - level 50 - OE/Cryo/AWR
• Forest scout left leg - Light - level 50 - Uny/Poi/FWR
• Forest scout left leg - Light - level 50 - W/Cryo/WWR
• Forest scout right arm - Light - level 50 - OE/Poi/JWR
• Forest scout right leg - Light - level 50 - OE/Cryo/JWR
• Forest scout right leg - Light - level 50 - Reg/AP/JWR
• Forest scout right leg - Light - level 50 - Uny/Int/AWR

Leather armor

• Leather chest - Sturdy - level 50 - Ass/S/Sent
• Leather chest - Sturdy - level 50 - LS/Cryo/Sent
• Leather chest - Sturdy - level 50 - Uny/Rad/WWR
• Leather chest - Sturdy - level 50 - Uny/Int/JWR
• Leather chest - Light - level 50 - Uny/S/Cav
• Leather chest - Light - level 50 - V/P/WWR
• Leather chest - Sturdy - level 50 - V/L/Cav
• Leather left arm - Heavy - level 50 - V/Fire/Cav
• Leather left leg - Heavy - level 50 - Cl/AP/Sent
• Leather left leg - Heavy - level 50 - OE/Fire/FWR
• Leather right arm - Light - level 50 - Cl/End/Cav
• Leather right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - OE/S/Cav
• Leather right arm - Light - level 50 - Uny/Rad/WWR
• Leather right arm - Sturdy - level 50 - Reg/AP/Sent
• Leather right arm - Light - level 50 - W/S/WWR
• Leather right leg - Sturdy - level 50 - LS/S/Cav
• Leather right leg - Heavy - level 50 - V/L/Cav

Marine armor

• Marine armor chest - Sturdy - level 45 - Cl/End/WWR
• Marine armor left arm - Sturdy - level 45 - Cl/Explo/AWR
• Marine armor left arm - Sturdy - level 45 - LS/S/FWR
• Marine armor left arm - Sturdy - level 45 - OE/L/Cav
• Marine armor left arm - Sturdy - level 45 - Uny/L/WWR
• Marine armor left arm - Sturdy - level 45 - Uny/AP/15L
• Marine armor left arm - Sturdy - level 45 - V/Explo/Cav
• Marine armor left leg - Sturdy - level 45 - Uny/Env/Sent
• Marine armor left leg - Sturdy - level 45 - V/Explo/Cav
• Marine armor left leg - Sturdy - level 45 - V/Explo/DUR
• Marine armor left arm - Sturdy - level 45 - W/End/FWR
• Marine armor right arm - Sturdy - level 45 - OE/AP/Gho
• Marine armor right arm - Sturdy - level 45 - OE/Int/AWR
• Marine armor right arm - Sturdy - level 45 - V/Explo/Cav
• Marine armor right leg - Sturdy - level 45 - Uny/Env/WWR
• Marine armor right leg - Sturdy - level 45 - Uny/Explo/Sent

Metal armor

• Metal chest - Heavy - level 50 - OE/Poi/Sent
• Metal chest - Heavy - level 50 - Uny/AP/DUR
• Metal chest - Sturdy - level 50 - Uny/Explo/AWR
• Metal right arm - Heavy - level 50 - B/Explo/AWR
• Metal right arm - Light - level 50 - V/Poi/WWR
• Metal right arm - Heavy - level 50 - W/L/WWR
• Metal Left arm - Heavy - level 50 - Ch/Poi/WWR
• Metal Left arm - Heavy - level 50 - V/S/AWR
• Metal Left leg - Sturdy - level 50 - Ch/Fire/WWR
• Metal Left leg - Light - level 50 - V/Glut/WWR
• Metal Left leg - Light - level 50 - Uny/A/WWR
• Metal right leg - Light - level 50 - Arist/S/Sent
• Metal right leg - Light - level 50 - Ass/Explo/Cav
• Metal right leg - Heavy - level 50 - Uny/Int/15b
• Metal right leg - Light - level 50 - Uny/Int/AWR
• Raider chest - Heavy - level 45 - AS/End/WWR

Raider armor

• Raider chest - Light - level 45 - OE/S/Sent
• Raider chest - Sturdy - level 45 - Reg/Explo/Sent
• Raider chest - Heavy - level 45 - W/AP/RadRegen
• Raider chest - Heavy - level 45 - Uny/Int/DUR
• Raider chest - Heavy - level 45 - V/Explo/WWR
• Raider left arm - Sturdy - level 45 - B/S/Cav
• Raider left arm - Heavy - level 45 - Uny/S/AWR
• Raider left arm - Sturdy - level 45 - V/AP/Sent
• Raider left leg - Sturdy - level 45 - OE/AP/15L
• Raider left leg - Light - level 45 - Uny/AP/Burn
• Raider left leg - Heavy - level 45 - V/Explo/WWR
• Raider right arm - Light - level 45 - Ass/End/Sent
• Raider right arm - Light - level 45 - B/Explo/Cav
• Raider right arm - Sturdy - level 45 - LS/Poi/Cav
• Raider right arm - Sturdy - level 45 - OE/Rad/15L
• Raider right arm - Heavy - level 45 - Uny/Fire/Sent
• Raider right arm - Heavy - level 45 - Uny/P/FWR
• Raider right arm - Light - level 45 - V/Glut/WWR
• Raider right arm - Sturdy - level 45 - Z/End/WWR
• Raider right leg - Heavy - level 45 - OE/Explo/Cryo
• Raider right leg - Light - level 45 - Uny/Explo/FWR
• Raider right leg - Heavy - level 45 - Uny/Poi/JWR
• Raider right leg - Light - level 45 - Uny/S/JWR
• Robot chest - Heavy - level 50 - LS/Cryo/Cav

Robot armor

• Robot chest - Light - level 50 - Uny/E/WWR
• Robot chest - Heavy - level 50 - Uny/S/RadRegen
• Robot left leg - Heavy - level 50 - Ch/AP/WWR
• Robot left leg - Sturdy - level 50 - Uny/AP/AWR
• Robot left leg - Light - level 50 - OE/Explo/AidEffect
• Robot left leg - Light - level 50 - Uny/Glut/WWR
• Robot left leg - Heavy - level 50 - Uny/Glut/Sent
• Robot left leg - Light - level 50 - V/Poi/FWR
• Robot right arm - Light - level 50 - V/Rad/FWR
• Robot right arm - Light - level 50 - V/AP/50FDR
• Robot right leg - Heavy - level 50 - Ass/Explo/Cav
• Robot right leg - Light - level 50 - G/AP/WWR
• Robot right leg - Light - level 50 - OE/Fire/Cav
• Robot right leg - Light - level 50 - Uny/Gourm/Cav
• Robot right leg - Sturdy - level 50 - Uny/Int/AWR
• Robot right leg - Heavy - level 50 - Uny/Int/JWR
• Robot right leg - Light - level 50 - V/AP/15L
• Robot right leg - Light - level 50 - V/Fire/WWR
• Robot right leg - Light - level 50 - V/Fire/Sent

Trapper armor

• Trapper chest - Sturdy - level 45 - B/Explo/Sent
• Trapper chest - Sturdy - level 45 - V/Cryo/Cav
• Trapper left arm - Sturdy - level 45 - Ass/Cryo/FWR
• Trapper left leg - Sturdy - level 45 - V/Cryo/Sent
• Trapper left leg - Sturdy - level 45 - W/Explo/Sent
• Trapper left leg - Sturdy - level 45 - LS/Explo/Cav
• Trapper left leg - Sturdy - level 45 - Z/S/WWR
• Trapper right arm - Sturdy - level 45 - V/Gourm/WWR

Urban scout armor

• Urban scout chest - Light - level 50 - G/Explo/WWR
• Urban scout chest - Light - level 50 - OE/End/Cav
• Urban scout chest - Light - level 50 - Reg/Fire/WWR
• Urban scout chest - Light - level 50 - Uny/S/Poison
• Urban scout chest - Light - level 50 - V/Env/Cav
• Urban scout left arm - Light - level 50 - Arist/Int/Sent
• Urban scout left arm - Light - level 50 - B/Poi/FWR
• Urban scout left arm - Light - level 50 - Reg/S/WWR
• Urban scout left arm - Light - level 50 - Uny/Int/Sent
• Urban scout left arm - Light - level 50 - Uny/Int/Burn
• Urban scout left arm - Light - level 50 - V/AP/WWR
• Urban scout left leg - Light - level 50 - V/Int/Cav
• Urban scout left leg - Light - level 50 - V/Rad/Cav
• Urban scout left leg - Light - level 50 - AS/Poi/FWR
• Urban scout right arm - Light - level 50 - B/S/AWR
• Urban scout right arm - Light - level 50 - Z/S/WWR
• Urban scout right arm - Light - level 50 - OE/AP/RadRegen
• Urban scout right arm - Light - level 50 - OE/Poi/Cav
• Urban scout right arm - Light - level 50 - Uny/Env/WWR
• Urban scout right leg - Light - level 50 - AS/AP/Cav
• Urban scout right leg - Light - level 50 - OE/AP/15L
• Urban scout right leg - Light - level 50 - OE/Fire/WWR
• Urban scout right leg - Light - level 50 - V/AP/RadRegen
• Urban scout right leg - Light - level 50 - V/AP/15L
• Urban scout right leg - Light - level 50 - Reg/AP/JWR
• Urban scout right leg - Light - level 50 - W/Explo/DUR
• Urban scout right leg - Light - level 50 - V/Cryo/FWR
• Urban scout right leg - Light - level 50 - Uny/Int/15L

Wood armor

• Wood chest - Light - level 45 - Uny/End/Cav
• Wood left arm - Light - level 45 - AS/Explo/FWR
• Wood left arm - Light - level 45 - Uny/Env/Sent
• Wood left arm - Light - level 45 - Uny/P/WWR
• Wood left arm - Light - level 45 - Uny/Poi/WWR
• Wood left arm - Light - level 45 - V/S/Cav
• Wood left leg - Light - level 45 - OE/L/AWR
• Wood left leg - Light - level 45 - Uny/Int/50fFdr
• Wood left leg - Light - level 45 - W/Cryo/Sent
• Wood right arm - Light - level 45 - Uny/End/WWR
• Wood right arm - Light - level 45 - W/Explo/FWR
• Wood right leg - Light - level 45 - OE/A/FWR
• Wood right leg - Light - level 45 - Reg/AP/WWR
• Wood right leg - Light - level 45 - Uny/AP/JWR
• Wood right leg - Light - level 45 - V/Glut/WWR

Power armor

• T-60 set - Power armor - level 50 - OE/AP/WWR
• T-45 torso - Power armor - level 50 - OE/S/WWR

Okay, I’m 25f and have been drinking 6-12 airplane bottles of vodka pretty much daily for the last year or so. I went to an inpatient rehab for like 6 days and detoxed. I was feeling great when I left.
A few days after I got out…. I drank 4 drinks in the afternoon. I felt fine. I went to bed that night around 11pm and felt sober.
I woke up around 3am to my heart POUNDING. I was sweating, twitching. Every time I tried to go back to sleep I’d twitch so hard it woke me back up. My heart rate wouldn’t come down. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and had tunnel vision. I was terrified. I had a flutter in my chest. I was shaking, and had this AWFUL sense of impending doom. I was so scared I walked to the hospital down the street by myself at 4am.
They helped me out and let me know I was in physical withdrawal. Before this, I’d NEVER felt physical withdrawal. Only a bit of anxiety if I didn’t drink. The doc told me every time I drank again after this, these symptoms would be WORSE. I was scared straight. After some fluids and a small dose of a benzo, I felt better. I went home, slept. Haven’t drank since. I’m in an IOP program, back to work, and feel motivated again.
I never EVER wanna feel like that again. If the rehab had warned me that I’d feel like that if I drank, I would have NEVER done it. Don’t ever wanna feel like that again!

Everyone spread the word and share #FFIE

Ivaxa has been well known for his high BPM stream plays along with his obscene singletapping skills over the course of a few weeks at the time of writing. His most notable achievement is his S rank on Deceit [pishi’s Extra] +DT (Score) (Replay). However there is some unusual behavior that Ivaxa has that should be looked into. This thread will look into quite a few cases of these weird findings.
As of the current date, May 16th, 2024, we have collected enough information to submit our public review of Ivaxa’s activity. We are asking the osu! staff and other independent researchers to validate our information and proof-check every single aspect of it. If our findings would be proven to be incorrect and/or not substantial - that's completely fine. Our goal is not to just blindly accuse but to establish the truth.
This document contains currently collected information about Ivaxa, his scores, profiles, and potential connections to other “alt” accounts in the game. We, as an independent team, are trying to establish the legitimacy or lack thereof of said player.
As always, harassment of any of the people mentioned/involved in the report is inappropriate. Please be civil when partaking in the discussion.
Replays, and VODs can be found in a google drive at the end of the thread so you can investigate and see moments listed in the thread yourself.
But first, here's a few things to consider:

1. Ivaxa’s mouse is a HyperX Pulsefire Haste 2, he allegedly plays on 800 DPI with a 0.62x sens multiplier on osu!. The only reason as to why it’s alleged is because of his recent streams, his sensitivity seems higher than it actually is.
2. He plays with a Sayu O3C keypad that runs at 8000hz (Peripheral information can be found from Ivaxa’s Twitch channel.)
3. He is able to singletap 191 BPM streams consistently.
4. Ivaxa used to be a DT aim player, not much of a stream player until recently.
5. The player does have skill, however he may be using some sort of outside assistance software-wise like aim assist or relax hacks.
6. All replays in this thread were inspected using Circleguard.
7. Most of the information down below was conducted in the empirical (perceived) sense, so take all of it with a grain of salt.

Section one: Replays

There are a few moments within Ivaxa’s recent replays that felt unusual or very strange; mostly unusual edge hits, but also weird UR bar behavior.
The Deceit +DT
There are a few things to mention about this score. The first is an unusual UR bar behavior from 91076 ms (~1 minute 31 seconds) to 93123 ms (~1 minute 33 seconds). The UR bar looks like this in the end. This type of UR bar behavior is often found in 125 hz keyboards with a map that has a BPM that is a multiple of 125 (125 BPM, 250 BPM, 375 BPM, etc.). However, Ivaxa doesn’t use a 125hz keyboard or keypad, he uses one that is rated at 8000hz. This is rather unusual since this type of UR is only found in this section of the map only. Also, if he were to play on a 125hz keyboard/keypad, the type of UR that was shown above would be all over the map since the Deceit with DT is mostly 375 BPM.
The second would be his aim, particularly at around 1885 combo, his cursor shakes at an abnormal magnitude from the rest of the map. This shake can be caused by nerves, tapping strain of the left hand, or a mix of both. But, Ivaxa’s alleged sensitivity is so low that the shake that has been shown in the replay is either really hard to do or impossible.
Gotta go Fast +DTSO
This score has one thing that is quite suspicious. at 47582 ms (~48 seconds) into the map, an awkward edge hit is found where he over-aimed and seemingly snapped back to the circle. This kind of edge hit is something that a normal osu! player wouldn’t be able to hit entirely, especially at the speed at which the map is being played at. Another edge hit can be found in the same map at 28852 ms (~29 seconds), where the cursor doesn’t naturally curve at the end, instead snapping to the edge of the circle. Both cases may allude to the usage of some sort of aim assist.
Metal Crusher +DT
There are two things to note about this score, the first is some unusual cursor movement at the ending section of the map. Ivaxa’s cursor slightly follows the slider at 59128 ms (~59 seconds), and another right after at 60400 ms (~one minute). Movement like this paired with the speed at which the map is being played at just seems unusual/suspicious.
There are also five edge hits within the map, four out of the five edge hits are at the very edge of a circle. The probability of hitting these types of edge hits is rather low, especially when there are four of them in one map.
Edge Hit #1: https://i.imgur.com/g3VlDoz.png
Edge Hit #2: https://i.imgur.com/vpTKuw7.png
Edge Hit #3: https://i.imgur.com/oQiEwVR.png
Edge Hit #4: https://i.imgur.com/nJyVbiq.png
Edge Hit #5: https://i.imgur.com/MN9MfwN.png
Sendan Life +DTHD
There is something to be said about some of the 100’s that Ivaxa is hitting. More specifically some 100’s within a few of the maps that have been observed so far are very near the barrier of being a 300 hit regardless of whether the note is early or late (https://i.imgur.com/cxFSdjf.png, https://i.imgur.com/bHLurZn.png). The sayu is precise enough to actually hit these types of 100’s, however it feels like these have occurred too often, so much so that this play has half of the 100’s in the map has these “edge 100’s,” for a lack of a better term. There are also two 100’s (100 #1 and 100 #2) that have been hit at exactly the same lateness/timing.
100 #1: https://i.imgur.com/KR4BhWe.png
100 #2: https://i.imgur.com/pzg7zMn.png
100 #3: https://i.imgur.com/z5qIocV.png
100 #4: https://i.imgur.com/pgEBsKK.png
100 #5: https://i.imgur.com/rQ50Uhs.png
100 #6: https://i.imgur.com/oMkQ3O5.png

Section Two: Twitch Streams

The two pieces of information down below are more focused on his single tapping skills, along with some weird/suspicious moments during his stream.
Stream title: #18 #2PL we back boys PL/ENG
At 15:37, Ivaxa is seen to be double tapping 270 bpm streams even though he S ranked the Deceit with DT around three days after said stream (390 BPM). At 49:15 mins of the same stream: he is seen to singletap 191 BPM streams, probably because he was warm when playing at his point.
Stream title: #17 #2PL Yomi yori 3 mod pass happening right now wtf,
On March 31st, 2024, on the VOD where he S ranked The Deceit +DT, at the end of the VOD at 2:58:42 Ivaxa is seen singletapping a 390 BPM burst. After which he paused the game and blamed Steam notifications. Despite the bottom half of his monitor being visible on stream through the webcam, where no steam notifications or pop-ups are visible, he then opened Steam to "change notifications settings.'' After allegedly changing the settings, his cursor trajectory on the visible parts of the monitor on stream tells us that he moved the mouse from the top most left corner, while usually Steam settings are located in a pop-up window at the center of the screen. Afterwards His stream allegedly "crashed."
To see the moment, play the following .mp4 file: 20240331 #17 #2PL Yomi yori 3 mod pass happening right now wtf Part 3 and go to the near end.
Stream title: #9 #2PL if i want to i'll farm req closed
On April 7th, 2024 Ivaxa showed on the osu! Game discord server that he is able to singletap 191 BPM (better picture of the graph), however six days later after the message, on his stream on April 13th, 2024 Ivaxa showed that he was able to singletap PoNo’s Yomi Yori 220 BPM streams at the end. This type of BPM jump in such a short amount of time can only be reasoned with by hardware abuse via rapid trigger. Either that, or some sort of relax hack that assists the player in tapping.

Section Three: Multiaccounting

There are many pieces of information that suspect that Ivaxa is multiaccounting, however there is currently no concrete evidence on whether or not he is indeed multiaccounting. Please keep this in mind when reading this section of the thread.
The Mulitiaccount & Play Count Graphs
Pipecat is the suspected multiaccount. First of all, both Pipecat and Ivaxa are placed 1st and 2nd on the osu!mania leaderboard in Lower Silesian Voivodeship, Poland (This is done by using osu! subdivide nations). Both play count graphs also seem to compensate for each other as of 2024, April 4th (the graph for Ivaxa has been warped in order to have a better visualization).
Time-pp Scatter Chart & Best Performances
The same thing happens with their Best Performance Time-pp Scatter Chart from ameobea/osu!track (Pipecat's Mania Chart and Ivaxa's Mania Chart non warped). Both graphs seem to compensate for each other, especially at around the month of March, as of 2024, April 5th (again, Ivaxa's chart has been warped for better visualization of score submissions).
Speaking of pp, both accounts have similar maps in their best performances list (Ivaxa is on the left, Pipecat on the right). If you want to see more, just check their mania profiles.
This may ask the reason as to why Ivaxa hasn’t played any vsrg (Vertical Scrolling Rhythm Game), and yet his performance in mania is abnormal for his time played. As seen from the play count graph from above, Ivaxa would’ve most likely played mania first on the Pipecat account, and then proceeded to play mania again on the other.
Names/Naming Scheme & Last Seen
Their naming scheme can also be taken into account as, Ivaxa’s name was inspired by Vaxei, and Pipecat was inspired by Whitecat.
It is also worth noting that Ivaxa and Pipecat’s Last Seen times are near each other, being more or less one hour apart from each other.
https://i.imgur.com/uVucqXr.png
https://i.imgur.com/lYh4Gbb.png

Section Four: Misc, additional “facts,” and Speculations

This section is dedicated to the additional miscellaneous information and our speculation formed from the data we discovered during the process of the investigation. These entries are not verbosely written due to us not finding enough evidence/information to make them included in the previous sections.
For ease of understanding the entry's level of absurdity, we marked them with color tags. The marking process for each entry was completely subjective so even the most absurd ones could be a potential aid for independent investigators/osu! staff as an additional lead where we “hit the wall.”
Fact: Could be used as a potential lead
Fact + Assumption: Not substantial enough to be included in previous sections/Assumption
Pure Speculation: Completely speculative fact/information
Fact: BayOfEvil (Ivaxa’s old username), does have an osu!report on it, although the report isn’t very helpful. One of the thread's replies includes a Discord recording with Ivaxa playing as “proof” of him being legit. This should be investigated further (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVQDdw1SSLs).
Fact: Ivaxa’s Mania score on Ne uchi +DT was set 22 days after his no-mod score.
Fact: In Pipecat's osu profile a discord server can be found (https://discord.gg/jkMydV3PTB), upon searching "Ivaxa" the only two mentions of the name is from the user Pipecat (https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/577365869949354025/1225631393820708914/image0.jpg?ex=6621d52f&is=660f602f&hm=e3589cb93e9ffb2b7c0ef7ffbdedcc3b09df919a7082d11468035ff4f4f6e65e&).
Fact: Guitar to Kodou to Aoi Hoshi: Edge hit at the very edge at 202358 ms (~3 minutes 22 seconds) (https://i.imgur.com/PAWsyh7.png) Similar to the edge hit on FUCK YOU.
Fact + Assumption: FUCK YOU: Very erratic cursor movement at 4485 ms (~4.5 seconds) (https://i.imgur.com/mkRw4Ki.png) combined with his sensitivity and the map’s speed, this is basically impossible. Also he's been under-aiming a lot in this map but that might just be me. There is also an edge hit at the very edge at 60301 ms (~1 min) (https://i.imgur.com/GFxZctS.png), which can be questioned.
Fact + Assumption: Gotta go Fast HDDTHR: The UR bar is acting the same way that was observed with the deceit score from above (Gotta go Fast: https://i.imgur.com/ywA8XAu.png, Deceit: https://imgur.com/cbUtzya). With both maps being 375 BPM with DT, Ivaxa may or may not have used the same method of cheating if he is.
Fact + Assumption: Stream title: #18 #2PL we back boys PL/ENG, at 15:37 mins, Ivaxa is seen to be double tapping 270 bpm streams even though he S ranked the Deceit with DT around three days after said stream (390 BPM).
Fact + Assumption: A Thread created by sampierat on twitter: https://vxtwitter.com/sampierat/status/1775216723743875457?s=20

• https://imgur.com/pC3DBMq

Pure Speculation: During a congregation, several people have noted/proposed that Ivaxa may or may not be using three keys in order to stream higher bpm’s, using a software that alternates the middle key (since he plays ring-index) between key 1 and key 2 to insure that nothing is suspicious with his tapping count.
Pure Speculation: We condone an anonymous survey inside the mania community, including some of the top players, regular 4k, 7k, and 8k players, and some tournament organizers. Most of the participants agree that Ivaxa’s progression and improvement curve is abnormal.
Pure Speculation: Stream title: #18 #2PL we back boys PL/ENG, within the first hour of the stream, Ivaxa is seen to have completely lost his aim (44:46 min), even though he nearly fc'd Brazil on Fiery's Extreme with HDHRDT ten days prior to the stream. Although this evidence may not be as substantial as the others because of retry spamming Brazil.
Pure Speculation: The earliest known screenshots of Ivaxa grinding The Deceit Pishi's Extra, was on 2023, December 22nd (https://twitter.com/Ivaxaosu/status/1738245663631024453, https://twitter.com/Ivaxaosu/status/1738268599129632811, He later achieved an S rank on 2024, March 31st. He would've grinded the map for the past 3 months, however his play count seems to not reflect the grind, only having 237 plays as of 2024, April 5th (https://i.imgur.com/dg4HdSl.png).
Pure Speculation: https://youtu.be/Isp233epRAA the hands, and tapping technique may be similar to Ivaxa.
Pure Speculation: Potential lead/connection between Ivaxa and Pipecat could be found via steam accounts.
Ivaxa’s has two steam accounts (Both Steam profiles were sent to aknzx at one point):

• Main account https://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561199027517248
• Alt (thanks for Ivaxa posting it on one of the discord servers) https://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561199081700184
  • Has a VAC ban on it
• Pipecat’s steam account:
  • “Main account” https://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561199389486073

Pure Speculation: Additional platforms related to Pipecat:

• Their youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/@pipe_cat (We tried to use it compare Ivaxa’s voice and Pipecat’s voices already, not enough information)
• Their GD (GeometryDash) profile: https://gdbrowser.comNotPipeCat

Pure Speculation: Pipecat’s Windows username https://imgur.com/a/DCgtC82 (from this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNTTpSl1hHo ) If it could be proven that Ivaxa’s real name is Krzys, it could be a potential lead (despite it being a very popular name in Poland).
Pure Speculation: Pipecat is recording videos on his Youtube channel using both a PC and a Laptop. The PC is running Windows 11, and the Laptop is running Windows 10. This Could be a potential lead.

Verdict

Ivaxa’s single tapping speed is very abnormal, especially considering that he was able to stream 220 BPM in just six days, starting from 191 BPM, all singletapped. His aim on some maps feels weird, and some edge hits are questionable in terms of legitimacy. The incident on his stream on March 31st of this year also felt suspicious and weirdly timed, as if he was covering something up. And Pipecat’s graphs line up in such a way that it seemingly compensated for Ivaxa’s play count, and pp-scatter chart. From the information that was gathered about Ivaxa, there is a likelihood that the player is cheating, via aim assist, partial relax, or a mix of both.
It is suggested/encouraged that you look into this yourself.

Files and Documents

For Ivaxa stream mp4’s, each “part” is in one hour segments (because untwitch). So part 1 would be the first hour of a stream, part 2 would be the second hour of a stream, etc. There are some parts where it didn’t download the full hour, so be aware of that.
We’ve also included one of the “VOD analyzer” test result files, which includes cursor positions from an analyzed stream segment (#11 #2PL 1.3k pp achieved). It was a completely custom-coded solution that analyzed the video frame by frame but it wasn’t used during the investigation, so we are unsure about the accuracy of the cursor detection.
Input data:
Approximate osu! playfield area on a 1920x1080 monitor:

-Top left of playfield area: (384, 126) -Bottom right of playfield area: (1536, 990) 

Ivaxa's Approximate playfield area on stream:

-Top left of playfield area: (329, 120) -Bottom right of playfield area: (1283, 835) 

Analyzed segment: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1UOceGo6udbGH0p7jbZKvst4wqsIVWIWF/view?usp=drive_link
Google Drive: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1LTDABXcFHSJnk5KNfHWdH1XPJwcdf4S1?usp=sharing
Streams Timeline

Date	Stream Title	VOD Links
March 20th 2024	we back boys	https://drive.google.com/drive5/folders/1xFtwoU82d_qAKPyp7qEm2v4JVd8m-PDF
March 31st 2024	Yomi Yori 3 mod pass	https://drive.google.com/drive5/folders/1PJQOhrao4CFsaeLg4wcwFPtBybdocAnB
March 31st 2024	1.3k pp achieved	https://drive.google.com/file/d/1UOceGo6udbGH0p7jbZKvst4wqsIVWIWF/view
April 1st 2024	play game and then deceit farming	https://drive.google.com/drive5/folders/1TsTmiNzDRIMpFn4lmUzwzS6n3AjyE3rY
April 9th 2024	Yomi Yori DT Farming Right now	N/A
April 13th 2024	singletap practice	N/A

Conner sat listening to music while the history class droned on endlessly. What is the point of learning history? War never changes, right? It seemed tedious. What does history have to do with how powerful and cool a mech is, or how sweet it is to be a mech knight?
"When the darkness came from outside, only the humans knew what was happening. It was war, war from outside the peaceful galaxy. War that had started when the Milky Way first showed the twinkling signs of life. One insane intelligence, old as time, would not tolerate another living galaxy. Each must be consumed by its own weight, and only death may prevail.
Humans instinctively knew this, as the chosen ones, the T-Cells of the galaxy. When their alien friends started getting ravaged and marauded by the scouts of the Dark Beings, humans responded, retaliating with unbridled ferocity and driving the otherwise unstoppable enemies back into the darkness.
It was a frightening time, and it only got worse when the massive cloud of shade was identified as the locust fleet that had sailed for billions of years, the Silent Empty Eternal Darkness Sailors, as they called themselves. They were nothing but dormant hives, sleeping forever, ready to wake and kill and self-destruct, make the galaxy dead. They could have done so, but humans stood in their way, an unpredictable enemy, capable of war.
That is why human worlds were directly targeted by their commandos. Massive singular monsters of ungodly visage were deployed to human worlds, spawning armies of miniature satraps of the horrors, to pillage and assault human worlds, turning them into hellscapes of death and destruction. The alien friends of the humans did not sit entirely idle, they helped by selling powerful new weapons and armor to the humans who kept retaliating against the Dark Beings with ever more powerful and vengeful mech."
Conner perked up at the part about the mech. Various famous chassis flashed across the screen in cool paint and poses with alien worlds in their backdrop and accounting for their neatly colored camouflage plates. He paid attention to the famous battles, where humans had defeated the Dark Beings in honorable combat.
"Conner, do you know what made your clan's father and mother such great mech knights?" his teacher asked.
"They learned from their mistakes." Conner sighed.
"They learned from other people's mistakes. They studied all of our defeats, all the times the Dark Beings annihilated entire battalions or overwhelmed our defenses. It is a much heavier volume. We learn little from victory except that now the enemy will try to better themselves again. When they win, they use the same tactics again - that's when we win. We don't use the same tactics again, for they will be ready when we try. We conceptualize and learn their thoughts, through their actions. They do not understand us. It is our only advantage, for each progression of our tech is met by another evolution of their monsters. Someday we will not be able to make a stronger bullet to match their stronger armor. We must anticipate a limit to this war, and fight accordingly."
"I can only anticipate getting into a mech and fighting bugs!" Conner had said. His teacher had given him that look. Nobody else got that look. Conner got it everywhere. He thought back to those days, he'd really thought he'd see action, in a mech, fighting bugs.
The rest of his class went on to become mech knights. All of them had seen action. Of course, none of them were left alive, and few of their mech were salvaged. Except, Pharlie.
Her mech was the third in a row of ones hit by a single plasma beam of the enemy. While the first two were instantly blown to atomic dust, her mech was only knocked over and set on fire. The ejection seat in the cockpit had the one and a half seconds needed to egress the mech knight safely.
She'd spent some time in relieved-of-duty status on Maranda Beach before she insisted they give her something to do. They quickly evaluated her and decided she wasn't fit for duty in a mech. Something about 'shutting down the Berserker Program' and 'protocols preventing reinstating anyone who qualifies to pilot a Berserker Mech'. Not happening under Admiral Khaspa.
"How's getting into a mech and fighting bugs, Conner? Still anticipating it?" Pharlie asked her old classmate.
"You are under my command. Watch your tone, I run a cruel shift." Conner grumbled.
"Aye, Skipper." Pharlie cringed, realizing the bureaucrat Conner had no sense of humor anymore. She decided to make it her personal mission to work on that. Conner with no humor didn't sound fun.
That scene in the classroom was a long time ago, but it was with Conner like it just happened. He hated Pharlie, because she stood for his humiliation, and wanted to humiliate her, but then he hated himself for feeling that way. He resolved to leave her be because he didn't want to feed his own calloused resentments.
"We've got work to do. We are reassigned to military surplus salvage. This job just keeps getting better. I used to think I would somehow be tested on a battlefield to save the galaxy, but out here I just get tested by boredom. I don't even feel the shame of these janitorial jobs anymore, I'm numb to it." Conner said to Pharlie, the next time they spoke. Pharlie realized he was trying to be nice to her and asked him:
"You'd rather be dead, or be me?" She wondered.
"Yeah. You don't know what it is like flying around delivering stuff and counting crap. I hate it. I could've made an actual difference." Conner complained personally.
Pharlie smiled and said: "You'd have made no more difference than the rest of us did. You don't know what a victory against the bugs costs, do you? You think you just have to stand there bravely shooting back and if you die, oh well, otherwise it's all glory. It's never like that. It hurts, it hurts a lot, because you don't die. Everyone else does. And for what? We just play the same game again next weekend, and it never changes."
"That's war." Conner nodded. "What am I doing? I bring supplies to remote outposts. It's pointless."
"Not anymore, they reassigned us to go pick up supplies, remember?" Pharlie pointed out.
"Oh yeah - don't remind me, just when I though my life couldn't be more tedious or pointless." Conner fell silent, realizing he sounded weak and small, complaining so much. He wished he was stoic, but he had a chance to confide in Pharlie, and he had taken it. Pharlie said:
"You're right. But let's make the most of it." And she smiled, so Conner decided that letting someone know just how miserable he was wasn't entirely a bad thing. He just wished he could somehow just be good with it, without having to use drugs or somesuch. He really felt like his combat skills were going to waste, sitting on a ship for long years, asleep and going around picking up supplies. As Pharlie had pointed out, they weren't even delivering them anymore, new mission, go get all that stuff the aliens made over the centuries for the war effort.
Rhema loomed in the distance. "We are picking up artwork on this world. Are you kidding me? The manifest shows it is categorized as artwork. So this community of variety-hour aliens have compiled some kind of treasure trove of fine art. This is asinine." Pharlie offered.
"That's enough of that." Conner chastised her formally on the deck, but he was smiling as he said it. He loved having her there stating his real feelings. "The mission is to acquire this propaganda, it is deemed useful to the war effort."
The world was like melted orange-cream covered in brown fog, a desolate radiated landscape below testified to the destructive power of the Unknown. The same Dark Beings had taken shots from the darkness with precise aim and killed some of the older aliens, such as the Frendsikeel. Long ago the peaceful otter people had lived happily on Rhema, inviting trade via broadcast.
After meeting an assortment of artist-aliens wearing shimmering dark-colored robes and cowls, the human delegate collecting military surplus accepted the crates of fine art, packed for their shipping across the stars, trusted to nobody except the human military to safely transport it.
"Conner." A call came in from Supply Command Unk Gheldin, Conner's commander. "You just earned me a promotion. The patrons of Rhema have instituted a check as a downpayment on our services. It's enough to build an entire warship. These aliens are loaded and just became our daddy. You're doing good work out there, the war effort thanks you!"
"I'll be sure and handle with care." Conner saluted diligently.
The next world was Arienta, populated by what was left of aliens who looked like huge anthropomorphic tarantulas.
"We've perfected a drug that can induce Star Sleep in humans. They said it was not possible for such belligerent minds to Star Sleep, but our colony of volunteers have allowed us to test every kind of euphoria and pleasure-inducing drug we could on them. Most species wouldn't have such a supply of volunteers, but humans come from far and wide to live as our guests, accepting our hospitality for their entire lives, saying they don't ever want to leave." The high priestess of the Blue Light Watchers, Rhoxa Billi, explained the doped humans lounging around everywhere.
"They look like slackers, sir." Pharlie said loudly.
"That's enough of that." Conner admonished her, but was smiling, glad she said what he was thinking. He faced the high priestess formally and said:
"We'll take this drug, and thank you for your hard work." Conner waved his fingers in the spiritual way to show he knew the sacred gratitude of the Blue Light Watchers. He'd studied how to do it on the way over, practicing it for days until he was confident he could do it right.
The next stop was Basilik, an industrialized wasteland where the Sunder had hundreds of thousands of giant humanoid machines, in loincloths, working tirelessly to drag massive monolithic super metal beams across rollers, up ramps to assemble indestructible mech chassis to sell to the humans.
"Sir, we take shipments from here all the time. What are we here for?" Pharlie asked.
"Not a what, a whom." Conner said.
The casket of the revered Exalted Inquisitor Eshka Layenna was loaded on board, but it was not made by Sunder. No, it was tech from some other society, preserving her eternally in a state of dormancy, a kind of molecular stasis.
"We're taking her back to the ones who put her in there. They have a gift for us. She is our gift for them. The Sunder have agreed to this, in the name of the war effort."
The Desperado star sailed to the nearby Kriesene system where an old gravity cloud that looked like a planet had hundreds of planet-sized moons dancing around it like an insane ballroom.
"The shoals around their world will make this somewhat dangerous to traverse. We have a map, given to us by the Sunder, so we should be fine." Conner told Pharlie.
"Danger, eh? Kinda like it, don't you?" Pharlie teased.
"That's enough of that." Conner said without any real command in it, smiling.
The Skiesene had a moon-sized space station named Thoughtfulness where they conducted much of their trade with each other. They looked like dark-shelled nightmare creatures, some kind of H.R. Giger prophecy had remembered these creatures long before humans had met them.
Conner witnessed their massed warriors, in stasis, embroidered stole draped over them, crouched motionless atop pedestals with twenty-yard tall tapestries depicting their many victories in bloody combat. They sat there in a great hall in their various forms and armors, but always hideous monsters, reminding him of the Dark Beings vaguely, except devoid of insectoid features.
The Skiesene were delighted by the delivery of their goddess, Eshka Layenna. A time without bloodshed was declared, and the Skiesene offered a shipment of their finest warriors, in egg form.
The Skiesene Khan grinned with uncannily human-looking teeth, but in its grin was a sharpened beak that could pierce the solid dome that was their head, with no eyes or ears, at least not in one place, for they had sensory all over their bodies.
"Uh, thanks. We could always use some special, uh, special forces." Conner accepted the eggs, as he was under orders to do. They were preserved until called, using a key to deactivate the stasis they were in. Then they would serve the orders in their minds, to obey their human commanders.
"I hope they don't have to facehug us and chest burst us." Pharlie chuckled.
"That's enough of that." Conner told her, smiling.
The last stop was the world of the Beebee, aliens who looked like cats wearing incredibly fancy clothing.
"We've tailored new uniforms for the human armies. You'll like them." The Master of Design, top official of the Beebee, told Conner, purring as he went.
Conner put one hand on his elbow and one holding his chin, trying to keep a straight face, when he saw the uniforms.
"They are a little small, don't you think?" Conner looked at the feline models in the uniforms meant for human soldiers.
"And kinda derpy with all those frills and colors?" Pharlie offered further criticism.
The Master of Design seemed to think the uniforms were being complimented, anticipating no other response. It took a moment to sink in that the humans were mocking all their hard work.
"All of the specifications for armored clothing were met. These uniforms will preserve your body temperature in very extreme conditions and will slow ballistic projectiles so that they cannot penetrate the cloth, but instead have their kinetics splattered outward and also the colors shift to the mood of the wearer. You can make it camouflage if you like. We worried that human sizes made dispensing millions of these uniforms impractical compared to making an adjustable size. Try one on." The Master of Design was not offended, but stood his ground, his hair puffing up making him look sophisticated and official. His whiskers twitched handsomely at the end and he gave a prolonged blink.
"They still look silly, why so many frills?" Pharlie chuckled.
"That's enough of that." Conner sighed.
The humans were about to leave and board their ship when Conner spotted an ancient mech standing next to the star port.
"What's that?" he asked.
"The tomb of Drastic Conner Mcfarley, the mech knight who defended our world, surprising a lone scout of the Dark Beings and engaging it in single one-on-one combat, saving our world. Drastic Conner Mcfarley died in his mech during the battle. The scout retreated and left us unharmed." The Master of Design said.
"Why'd it leave?" Conner asked, but recalled what his clan father had done. He awaited the answer he knew:
"Drastic Conner Mcfarley disarmed it, but left its capacity to retreat intact. It is believed he deliberately used this measure of engagement, in order to ensure the enemy would not retaliate by bombarding our world. When one of them dies, the world they die on gets destroyed. He might have survived the battle if he'd just killed it when he had the chance. We know this. He sacrificed himself to save us."
"That's right." Conner nodded. He and Pharlie felt solemn, realizing how far their journey had taken them, all the way to where it had began for them. "We're him, and we won't let you down."

Introduction
Someone reading this book may wonder what sort of audience is being targeted here. They may also be confused as to what the endgame is behind such a book. The aim of this book is to parallel the different religious & mystic traditions & connect them to the tropes that we find near death experiences propagate. They often are reconnecting us with what ancient texts have said but in the modern secular world where materialism is the norm we have become numb to the meanings & impact behind such text. These texts are often considered archaic & primitive. Unable to contribute much to the modern world they may only be useful in prayer chants.
Thus I aim here to revitalise the spirit of these traditions and connect them to what many call the modern day scriptures. The study of near death experiences, neuroscience, consciousness & other paranormal phenomena.
The endgame of the mystic is to connect, achieve union, knowledge and self growth. Thus by approaching all these texts and the various evolving thought that emerged from it, we can explore the parallels and connections that bridge the gap between traditions. The beauty of mysticism and perennial philosophy is the freedom it offers in interpretation.
This book doesn't focus on the question of whether scriptures are divinely inspired, man made tools written for sociological and political agendas or some sort of corrupted divinity. That discussion is a debate that will never end. Rather the focus here is on the possible wisdom & theological beliefs which parallel and mesh together well in forming a higher meaning & connection to the divine. Whether it be a higher power, an all pervading source or a metaphysical truth. You aren’t required to literally believe the divinity of these texts. A simple level of curiosity & intrigue is sufficient.
However one may contend that it is easy to parallel traditions when they are in harmony but when they differ they directly contradict rendering these connections meaningless and superficial. Therein lies the limitations of this book. Therefore the following concepts won’t be discussed in here. These are mainly :

• Unverifiable supernatural claims such as ancient miracles for instance Moses parting the sea, Jesus walking on water, resurrecting etc. For someone expecting this book to be a source of evidence for a specific religion it unfortunately won’t be. However there are multiple correlations and connections and these may act as subtle signs of evidence for a specific faith or multiple of them.
  
• Reconciling contradictions between belief systems and scriptures. For example whether the Divine is a trinity or a unity. Whether a certain sage was superior to another. For instance comparing the personality of Jesus with Muhammad, whether the Bible is morally perfect or not & a plethora of other beliefs that may not agree with one another. The book simply assumes they all are imperfect systems.
  
• The scientific debate on whether NDEs are classified as hallucinations or genuine supernatural occurrences. Whilst an interesting topic in itself, it is out of the scope of this book with many other books discussing the science behind ndes. However when necessary nde claims will be contrasted with naturalistic explanations.
  

The primary focus is in following a don't throw the baby out with the bathwater approach. Some may also contend that this book follows a shopping cart style of cherrypicking from texts and discarding beliefs from texts one subjectively finds inappropriate. To this I would simply say that the approach here is one of finding the parallels that align well together and acknowledging when a belief doesn't align well. Not necessarily a pick and choose system. An approach I would call the rational mystic.
The rational mystic is one who is simply open to what may be beyond their senses. They may be mystically inclined, fascinated and open to the plethora of supernatural ideas. However they will not blindly believe any and all beliefs. They will discern using rational faculties what of mysticism is most compatible with reality, what the data or evidence shows & what is more probable than not. I believe people of all beliefs or no beliefs can fit this definition. Whether you identify by a religion, as spiritual but not religious, non religious, atheist, deist or agnostic. Thus a skeptic or believer may able to gain an appreciation for these belief systems.
This book dives into the verses and parallels of ancient texts such as the Old Testament, Gospels, Quran, Hadith, Bhagwad Gita, Dhammapada, Tao Te Ching & Gathas of Zoroaster. Other older parallels such as from Vedic India, Ancient Egypt, Greece & Mesopotamia may be referenced.
Alongside that are the testimonies of NDEs and how they may parallel or differ to these texts. This book also attempts to provide commentary on major philosophical themes & elaborate on various exegesis, mystical traditions such as Kaballah, Sufism, Advaita Vedanta, Neoplatonism & Chinese thought. Since mysticism is ultimately about experience it relevant and useful to enhance these discussions by contrasts to various scientific ideas, philosophy & pop culture.
NDE Filter Methodology
One of the problems with ndes is the fact that they are subjective experiences which we cannot objectively verify or replicate. This makes them a weaker form of evidence compared to empirical studies which can replicate the results. These present a challenge. An individual nde may therefore be subject to embellishment, fabrications & delusions. Therefore in picking our choice of NDEs here we can only look at ndes as a whole in terms of statistical patterns that form. This is the methodology used in NDE literature by various academics including neuroscientists & philosophers researching the phenomenon.
To elaborate we therefore will discard testimonies that appear embellished with fantastical details. These fantastical details may also be subjective from person to person. Calling an otherworldly journey fantastical is simply irony. However in following the certain patterns that appear cross culturally in ndes it is much easier to identify reports that are considered fantastical. The following tropes appear the most across multiple nde studies.

• Out of Body Experience
• Tunnel of Light
• Meeting deceased relatives or unknown beings
• Perceiving a highly luminous pervading light
• Feelings of absolute peace, comfort & love
• Arriving at an otherworldly place ie a meadow, garden etc.
• Life Review
• Border of no return
• Pluralistic message about love & wisdom

There are of course other concepts that ndes reference which appear from time to time. These allow ndes to be flexible and not rigid experiences. After all no two nde experiences are the same. However using these motifs listed we can filter through unreliable ndes. These include

• NDE reports that are highly coloured with religious fundamentalist tropes particularly tropes promoting an exclusivist attitude to religion.
• NDEs that appear too detailed, fantastical & unrestricted appearing more like a science fiction or fantasy novel. For example nde claims of multiple lives on other planets or large scale prophecies & apocalyptic predictions & generally things that differ wildly from the core themes
• NDEs that talk too much about one specific spiritual concept, portraying themselves as special, prophets or mediums turning their nde into a narcissistic or monetary agenda through spiritual coaching, multiple books etc.

Finally one may say that the chapters of this book attempt to hint at the veracity of a religion & this book is a subtle attempt to proselytize that faith. I will reiterate that this book isnt trying to prove any specific religion. There may be subtle signs from one faith that fit better with the nde phenomenon than others. The following theories I would say explain these subtle signs. I leave it up to the reader to decide what they feel is the best explanation.

• Universal Divine Theory : This is the idea that prophets, mystics & sages from different cultures have been inspired through revelation from the same source & this explains the shared insights of a religion & ndes.
  
• Mystic Wisdom Theory : This simply means that certain religious writers and founders were simply wise spiritual men, mystically inclined honing on their intuition & knowledge.
  
• Intertextuality Theory : Each new religious founder simply built of older religious ideas assimilating it into their theologies.
  

Whilst these theories may suggest a subtle spark of corresponding truths, generally NDEs dont explicitly point to any religion. Some say its simply the case that a Christian will see Jesus, a Muslim will see Allah, A Jew sees Yahweh & a Hindu sees Krishna. This of course is not entirely true. The portion of ndes that claim to see Jesus form a minority & interestingly they too dont point at specific doctrines. NDE experiencers may simply describe a sentient light they perceive to be God. This being doesnt tell anybody that I am Yahweh or Allah. Experiencers will say that religious texts fall short of describing this being. It is beyond what people are taught in religion.
Those who are familiar with NDE reports and studies will know that NDEs tend to be very religion agnostic and at best subtly imply a religious correlation but rarely do we find massive amounts of nde reports cross culturally presenting exclusivist dogmas such as follow holy book x or you will burn, believe Jesus died for your sin or you will burn for eternity. When an nde does present this its seen as a red flag since this doesn't occur with the majority of other ndes. The most we have are subtle religious correlations. However NDEs do present us with certain philosophical dilemmas when it comes to religion.

• If NDEs are vague about religion how are we to interpret these religions ? Are we to see them as man made socio-cultural constructs ? Are we to see them as inspired by God but limited to their time ? Are we to see them as partially divine partially man made scriptures ?
  
• If NDEs prove that religions are man made we must ask what purpose the creator has behind the nde. If the creator has allowed man made cultures to negatively influence and control the world throughout history and has not intervened or communicated with humanity one must wonder what point there is in a nde being a message in the 21st century. So on one hand the NDE presents us with a deistic God who doesnt intervene and let false religions begin and on the other hand the God of the NDE seems very personal, involved in human lives, keeps tracks, feels love and joy for humans etc
  
• If one, many or all religions are truly divinely inspired why do NDES never directly point to this ? NDEs seem more concerned in lessons but not in pointing people to a religion.
  

Some may ask what difference does it make that it doesnt point to a religion. if anything NDEs show us that God is far beyond the narrow confines of religions. It makes an immense difference when we factor the fact that religions have influenced entire cultures and civilisations in good and bad ways. Religions have been used to wage war, cause destruction, control the masses, brainwash, confuse and build fear into the human subconscious. And on the good side religions have given hope to the world that suffering isnt in vain, that life has meaning & that justice and ultimate happiness exists.
For alot of people the need to connect to the transcendental is insatiable and religion provides a whole structure of beliefs that one can organise themselves on. For some this is very restricting and enforces a cultural dogma on to everyone. They may prefer a shopping cart version of religion where they take whats good for them and discard what they disagree on. For others they prefer to deny all religious concepts as dogma and cultural beliefs. One could argue that humans need the cultural clothing of customs and traditions to keep their lives going, something which they can use to relate with to the divine. Not everyone can believe in an abstract deity that they cannot conceive of in the absence of symbols such as scriptures.
Religious texts provide at the very least a gateway to which one can relate through stories of heroes, morals and metaphors of the divine. Of course none of this leads us to whether said divine being has revealed these texts, whether they are inspired but corrupted by man or fully man made. These symbols act as aids in feeling like we have a piece of the divine soul with us thus giving comfort and hope. Thus whilst some have no need for religions, for the masses religions have immense value.
So why dont NDEs prove religion ?
There are no clear answers to this (unless somebody has an nde and asks whoever they speak with to tell them in specifics what religion is from God and whats not) all we can do is speculate. The ndes that do ask or do mention a scripture are so few that we cannot form any conclusion on this.

• The simplest answer is that all religions are man made for good or bad intentions but this would of course lead us to the philosophical deist dilemma.
• Perhaps the NDEs message focuses on the lessons and ideals itself and sees scriptures and religions as redundant (even if there is a divine hand behind some) After all these are mainly symbols and cannot compare to a direct mystical experience (something fundamentalists struggle with)
• Perhaps an attempt to promote any specific faith would lead to an assumption that the nde message is about exclusivist salvation and leading to the worship of scriptures/religions (something fundamentalists struggle with)
• Perhaps this proves that religions are limited to their century and context and that we should only look to them for the universal timeless message they offer not the specifics. After all all major scriptures teach the core values that NDEs have revitalised ie love, mercy, kindness etc

Do NDEs support materialism or not ?
While the aim of this book isnt to debate the afterlife or brain hypothesis, I will say that at the time of this being written, my view on ndes is to say that I consider them a plausible source of evidence towards consciousness surviving death & the afterlife existing. This view of mine may change in time towards either side. The following are some reasons I would argue for them being plausible.
1 Veridical NDEs : Numerous NDES report out of body experiences including witnessing of events in an environment when this should not be possible. More than 100+ veridical cases have been documented. Not to mention veridical cases from across different countries which further strengthens the case. We would have to be radically skeptical to consider all of these testimonies fabricated.
2 Lucid narrative : NDERS experience a highly lucid narrative that usually doesn't end in the middle or chaotically unlike dreams or hallucinations. Their ndes tend to be structured with a beginning, middle and end where they are either told, know or are sucked back into the body. This is quite a strange experience compared to delirium, delusions, hallucinations etc.
3 Deceased Relatives : Most NDES claim to see deceased relatives rather than alive people supporting the afterlife hypothesis. We should expect a mixed cocktail of alive & deceased people appearing in ndes if this was a case of dreams or hallucinations. The population that do claim to see a mixed group of alive and deceased is quite a small proportion of total ndes.
4 Intuitive Reality : NDERS are very convinced that they are in a hyper real reality that makes this world seem black and white, like a dream/illusion as some would say. They are intuitively convinced they are in something real the way we might be talking in person, as opposed to it being just a dream. In one study its believed that nders brain recollect their nde as if it's a real world memory.
5 ESP claims : NDERS may perceive no time at all, may experience a life review such that they can feel the feelings of others and recall memories long forgotten. They may feel like they intuitively know things without needing to learn. Some may report greater vision and detail than waking life, ability to hear thoughts, instantaneously appear, be in two places at once or pass through solid walls.
5 Religious Expectations : NDES often may contradict the beliefs of many Christians, Atheists and Muslims who have varying beliefs about the afterlife. Some may be surprised to experience the things they see & are particularly surprised at the ESP abilities as these are not predicted by religions. Particularly interesting are religious conservative ndes with more exclusivist beliefs who are surprised and end up becoming more pluralist and liberal.
6 Clinical Death Scenario : The best NDE studies focus on scenarios whereby the person undergoes cardiac arrest and thus clinical death. At this time a person has no heartbeat, no breathing, dilated pupils, no light reflex, no gag reflex and EEG reading of little to no brain activity. This is consistent with unconsciousness as no blood and oxygen can fully reach the brain. Furthermore the fact that most undergoing clinical death dont report any experiences means NDEs are odd occurrences & consciousness should not occur.
7 Transformation : NDERS often are transformed in their beliefs with less to no fear of death, detachment from the material, more interest in altruism and spirituality and are impacted by their NDE for decades, remembering it far more than a hallucination or dream. They see it as the most important experience of their life.
8 Double edged sword : The fact that not everyone has an nde may support the idea of nde being more than brain activity. After all if the nde simply was some evolutionary dying mechanism we would expect everybody to have one. This point could also support naturalistic hypothesis (See below)
However there is still uncertainty regarding the nde phenomenon and further data, & studies are required to build a case that is greater than just plausible. These are some opposing reasons to consider doubt in them valid
1 Embellishment : NDEs are unverifiable and therefore we cannot verify which ndes are authentic or which ndes are embellished over time with the nders own thoughts, interpretations or exaggerations. This makes it easier for fabrications and frauds to claim an nde experience.
2 Brain Activity : Since NDES happen during clinical death or unconscious states where a persons brain can be returned to living we cannot be sure that there isnt some deeper brain activity that causes an nde. We also cant be sure than an nde isnt happening in the window where cerebral blood flow hasnt ceased or in the window where CPR leads back to cerebral blood flow. EEG machines also have certain limitations such that they cannot detect deeper brain regions due to the skulls electrical resistance. EEG spikes may occur due to muscle twitches & electrical noise which can often make it harder to differentiate whether this is due to the NDE or not.
3 Cultural/Religious Contradictions : If we keep an open mind, its entirely possible that a Western nde could see Jesus, an Indian nde see Buddha or an Indian nde see Jesus & a Western nde see Buddha. It seems this can be reconciled by the idea that ndes are customized to fit what comforts people subconsciously. Japanese NDEs for example see a bridge/river symbolizing journey to another world, Westerners a portal/tunnel. Westerners relate best to Jesus, Easterners to other figures. However some ndes provide conflicting metaphysical views. This can be an issue with some ndes if nde 1 says they were told to keep reincarnating until they reach nirvana, nde 2 says something more fitting to abrahamic faith. nde 3 says hell doesnt exist and nde 4 says they saw hell realms.
4 Double edged Sword : This point can be argued for ndes (See above) but also against ndes. Only a small percentage 10-20% of those under cardiac arrest are said to have experienced an nde. This point leaves questions as to why aren't all people experiencing an nde. Should we not expect a larger proportion say more than half of people to experience an nde ? If there is a realm beyond the material should we not expect every person to experience an nde. A low proportion may mean that the nde is some sort of brain anomaly. We only have speculations as to why all dont get an nde.
5 Future Science : Current materialistic explanations may be inadequate to explain ndes but this doesnt mean that future understanding of the brain may not yield a new theory/explanation that explains it away. Thus it remains a potential argument.
All of these points are worthy discussions on their own and can be found in various other valuable books. The above points are simply a valuable framework by which the reader may be able to take away what they value out of this book. Everything written is simply my own research into the subject & I always advise people to take it with a grain of salt unless it makes rational sense to you & appeals to your intuition.
Diving into the depths
Spirituality & mysticism can be thought of as two sides of the same coin with philosophy the ring that runs the circumference of the coin. While spirituality deals with the human aspects such as soul, spirit, ego, morality & purpose, mysticism deals with the divine aspects of things such as essences, attributes, metaphors, realities, realms, entities, space, time, substances etc. We aim to dive into the following themes in this book.
The Divine Source : Everything relevant to defining the higher power & source of existence including essences & attributes.

Consciousness & Spirit : Everything relevant to the nature of consciousness, qualia, perceptions, the spirit & soul.
Reality : Everything relevant to the nature of perception, illusion, concepts, space, time, substances, modes, forms & realities.
Spirituality & Purpose : Everything relevant to the nature of human meaning, objectives, purpose & suffering.
Morality : Everything relevant to values, ideals, ethics & morals.
Knowledge & Truth : Everything relevant to the nature of seeking truth, seeking knowledge & attaining wisdom. These include concepts such as beliefs, truths, axioms, speculations, nature of inspirations & revelations.
Awakening & Dark night of Soul : Everything relevant to the nature of materialism, spiritual awakening, seeking inner peace, anxieties, depression, remorse, angst & layers of the psyche.
Divine Sorrow : Everything relevant to the nature of the eschatological souls corruption, redemption, purification, punishment, divine justice & mercy including modes & forms.
Divine Bliss : Everything relevant to the nature of the souls destiny, ultimate peace, happiness, bliss & divine love including modes & forms.