I wish I was brave like you! I am completely content being alone . I’m ok with my own company, I have been alone for most of my life and I don’t know how to handle being with people sometimes. I get overwhelmed by the way I am and I don’t want anyone else to have to deal with my internal conflict and my mental health issues that have been a huge burden on me and my family. I swear sometimes I feel like I’m just too old and too damaged to ever try to get into anything with anyone ever again anyway. The last person wanted to marry me and we were engaged. They got down on one knee with a beautiful ring and proposed to me and I said yes. I was really happy but at the same time I was nervous and I knew deep down that they were not the right person for me and so I held back on telling anyone about it for a long time. He was really abusive and I never really knew when he was going to get angry about anything. I was not perfect but I didn’t deserve the way he hurt me. I never called the police, I never did anything but try to heal and help him with his anger and insecurity but eventually he ended up hurting me so bad that still to this day I have problems. I finally got to the point where I didn’t want to leave my daughter alone in the world because we did lose her father to a heart attack But I was starting to really fear for my safety in the end with this person so I gathered all of the courage I had and left. I’m still really lost though in all honesty. I have not felt like I am ever going to succeed in anything again. I smile and try but in my heart I really do feel that way. I’m almost 50 but no one believes that. They think I am still in my thirties. Good thing I don’t look like the way I feel most days. I get a lot of compliments and attention when I do put myself out there but that takes effort on my part that requires some kind of commitment to be able to give the other person the time and attention they need and deserve. I don’t know, but you know how it is if you do meet someone who you really like you will find the time and energy to make the friendship into something special. I think that I would like that, but I am just scared to be broken again. I just don’t want to get hurt or hurt someone else somehow , someway either, because that would suck too. I don’t know, I wish I was brave like you guys are and I could just go for it and get back out there.. Maybe someday, maybe someday soon.

I think it is fairly clear that "Rewilding" , though originally a US term, has had far more success in Europe than the US, (though not necessarily the idea), I wanted to talk about part of why the term 'rewilding" might have greater practical utility in Europe, and Practical differences in Rewilding in the US and Europe, note I am coming from a US perspective and would appreciate European commentary, especially if you feel I misrepresented the situation

• Greater Rewilding Potential

The ecosystems of nearctic were hit much weaker by the Quaternary Extinction than Palearctic, with a larger share of terrestrial megafauna going extinct (22% vs 57%). In particular the south American origin taxa like ground sloths and glyptodonts, multiple species of each disappeared, with nothing remotely similar on earth. Additionally because Europe is just a small peninsula of Eurasia, which is connected to Africa, a much larger share of species that disappeared in Europe survived elsewhere (dhole, lion, l, common hippo, barbary macaque, Malayan porcupine, onager, moon bear etc), there are US/Canada examples of 'exotic" natives to return, ( saiga, wild horses, yak from Eurasia, thick billed parrots and jaguar from Mexico) but they are fewer and further between

• Weaker baseline/ rewilding ideas not endemic

Many US Conservationists/environmentalists, and environmentalist-minded public, already think of the arrival of white-people as the baseline, the idea that Ideally wolves/bison/pumas etc., would be allowed to recover across large shares of their precolonial range wherever they can survive, is not foreign or radical to the American public, and common among the environmentalist public, which can make the branding of it as "rewilding" and the presentation of it as a radical new idea feel awkward. while this colonial baseline makes the American public more immune to shifting baseline syndrome, and to have a nebulous " the way it was when my grandad was a kid" Idea of what is natural, it also makes it more difficult to suggest new baselines further in the past.

• Lack of Indigenous people

Sami aside, most of Europe doesn't have Indigenous communities. Native Americans have historically been viewed as basically wildlife, heavily dehumanized, and the (obviously false, hell even the First Thanksgiving Story every American knows is about them teaching the pilgrims how to farm) idea that they didn't alter the landscape and "put it to use" used to justify the stealing of their land and lives. Today this stereotype has been reclaimed and rehabilitated, Native Americans are seen as sources of environmental wisdom and guides to how the land should be managed by many left of center (not entirely wrong, as with the loss of megafauna the environment shifted to one where plant biomass controlled by fire, and many endangered ecosystems like Gary-oak woodlands, cane-breaks, and pine barrens, depended on Indigenous fore based management) , environmentalist natives often play up they're connection to the landscape as a native person, and environmentalists and indigenous communities often work together, such as when diseased salmon farms threatened wild salmon populations they used in the Pacific North-West, or when the Keystone-Xl pipeline was going to go through tribal land, acknowledging the devastating effect native Americans had on the megafauna of this continent, and how heavily they altered the local ecosystems, could potentially do severe damage to this Environmentalist-Indigenous partnership if it went mainstream.

• Greater romanticism of agricultural land

The US isn't entirely without this, there is a great romanticism of "cowboy culture" and cattle ranching, which is part of why so much federal land is used for it, but i really don't think it comes close to the UK and Irelands relationship with sheep pastures, where they have managed to turn some of the most ecologically destroyed landscapes (and unproductive farmland) endless expanses of sheep nibbled lawn, into one of if the most heavily romanticized places in the world, additionally conservation organizations like The Wildlife Trusts in the UK focus on maintaining older forms of agriculture to support the animals that use those agricultural landscapes, and in contrast to them Rewilding is a genuinely radical shift

• Declining agriculture

The reintroduction of megafauna to specific sites aside, Europe has been becoming wilder due to a reduction in agricultural land use. For a variety of reasons (declining population, concentration from rural to urban areas, etc.) , making room wild vegetation to recover and more natural habitat for local wildlife to utilize, The same large scale agricultural land abandonment is not being seen in the US, part of it is the US population is still growing (and not just because of immigration, even the Natural Population Growth Rate won't be negative till the 2040's), but probably more importantly is differences in agricultural policy, US Agribusiness has managed to become relatively export focused, The US is the second largest exporter of agricultural products( was first before Brazil overtook us), 177 billion dollars' worth of agricultural net export in 2021, meanwhile the EU and Ukraine combined where only about 50 billion, this larger export market means the share of land used by humans is less dependent on the local population, and will shrink less or less severely when the population does shrink

This is about my 2 year old cat. I adopted her when she was 6 months old. It is just her and I. She is my buddy, my partner. She is the sweetest, most loving girl.
I had to rush her to the hospital early Tuesday morning (read 3 am). She had vomited A LOT on monday, at least 4-5 times. I thought she could hold out until her usual vet opened at 7:30 am but she continued to vomit into the night and then started vomiting blood. As soon as I noticed the blood I threw her in her carrier and brought her to the emergency vet where they admitted her to run diagnostic tests.
When the doctor called me to tell me with the results I immediately knew something was wrong by their tone and hesitation. I initially thought they found a large tumor, that is how they were acting. What they did find was that her intestines were severely inflamed. The doctor told me this meant she likely had GI Lymphoma but it could be severe Irritable Bowel Disease. The only way to know which it was for certain was to do an expensive and invasive biopsy of her intestine. But their whole disposition made me feel like they thought it was cancer but didn't want to say that it was. I had to decide in that moment whether I wanted them to do the biopsy or start her on steroids to help with the inflammation because once she started medication it could interfere with the results of the biopsy. I honestly couldn't afford biopsy, she already racked up a 2k+ vet bill the biopsy alone was another 3-4k. I decided to treat it as if it was IBD and over time if that didn't work then we could consider other avenues like taking her off medicine to do a biopsy or starting chemo.
When they told me it could possibly be cancer I literally spent the last two days bawling my eyes out and researching everything I could about GI lymphoma. There are two kinds, an aggressive kind and a less aggressive kind. If she has the aggressive kind she literally only has weeks left to live. If its the less aggressive kind she has maybe a year without chemo, 2-3 more years with chemo. She's practically a kitten. She's 2. She was supposed to live until she's close to 20, if not 20+.
The thing is, whether it is IBD or lymphoma the treatment is essentially exactly the same. She would still have to take steroids. She would still have to be on prescription food. The only difference is if its cancer, she would have to do all that in addition to taking a chemo pill. The steroids and diet wouldn't be enough over time and she would start to decline. I wish they just told me it is possibly IBD not even mention the possibility of cancer until the IBD treatment proved to not be working. Now I am going to spend every day worrying about whether she only has weeks left to live. Whether she is going to get worse and die soon. I don't know how to function with that kind of stress. I have barely worked or eaten the past two days.

I have been trying for the past couple months to get out of the drama I have been distancing myself gradually…… was there another group chat made and it included shit talking Desiree ? Yes there was obviously I can’t learn my lesson about accept group chat invites with a bunch of girls that I don’t know from Adam and eve an take there word that I can’t trust them but anyway back to my point there was a group chat did I make it no was I in it yes did I shit talk Desiree would not consider it shit talking more like voicing my frustration but take it as you will but I can say this and others will back me up on this when Desiree was being talked about I would either just sit back and watch or I would just ignore it I had the damn chat on silent so only time I’d see what was in there is if I’d open my notifications up I did not care to talk about desiree I chimed in here and there but I don’t know how many times did I get a text from the girls from the gc asking why I was not talking as far as me and bri and baleigh falling out honestly I could not damn tell you me and others are also puzzled they say it’s over the coors hat , the necklace an I can’t remember the other thing but my coors hat I had long before Desiree posted a damn video , my necklace yes it says mommy like Desiree’s but it’s not the same as hers hers is tiny mine is big I got mine from Amazon I will show the date an all when I ordered an I kept trying to say this and tell them I was not doing nothing on purpose but it’s like talking to a brick wall then I started getting told i was leaking things from the chat but nobody had any proof I was so I was like whatttt ??? next thing I knew bri was deleting me and baleigh was in a new gc talking shit about me even though she was texting me on the side playing nicely said she did not have a problem with me . Wished me happy Mother’s Day even opened up and told me about her and her mom fighting and that she had been going through some stuff even all while talking shit in other chat about me I have nothing to hide and I am a open book anyone who has known me for a good amount of time will tell you that I have not lost friend’s bc if there gonna talk behind your back they was never your friends to begin with I have told everyone to stop sending me stuff regarding Desiree Idc what it is i I don’t want to see it I called about trying to drop the charges today bc I don’t see her getting any consequences she never has and never will but unfortunately I can’t it’s up to the judge and da if they drop or prosecute it it’s out of my hands and he’ll I ain’t had Reddit in 77 days and I wanted to stay off here but I’m not going let someone drag my name when they was there plate ain’t clean either and for future reference if I’m doing anything on purpose to get a rise out of Desiree I will admit it I’ve done it on the past whys these other times any different oh that’s right because I’m not doing anything but tbh idc there’s my side you have any question feel free to ask but I was a good ass freind to be laugh opened my home up to her my mom watched her daughter for her we bought her food I had her back when other girls was coming at her in the gc numerous times but hey true colors always show I just need learn to stop having a heart and being too trusting maybe one day I’ll learn maybe I want I was raised treat everyone with respect and genuine unless they do something to you but it is what it I know who my real ones the real ones are still standing sode be and our friendships are nowhere remotely based on drama or desiree I just want to be left alone about all the drama is that soo much to ask for I’m even trying to show y’all through my videos I am just trying to get back to my normal content I’m trying to move on but y’all bringing post about me here and then all the fake accounts being made to bash me on tiktok is not helping now y’all have a nice night

I’m not a confrontational person and I battle with people pleasing issues so I need to know if AITA? For context, I’ve been working with this coworker (let’s call him Jean) at this company for about 9 months. We got along very well in the beginning. But very early on after I got used to how things work in the office, I’ve noticed that Jean does the very minimal amount of work possible and leaves a lot of slack for my other coworker and I to pick up. We are test admins, and our job requires a lot of attention to detail, and organization. Management has stated that we all share the same responsibilities. Jean lacks the capability to do any of those things. When it comes to rosters, we have to make sure that each test takers info is correct, the amount of IDs required is correct, if the exam is open or closed book and if they require a booklet from us and which one. It’s all very important info and Jean has been told repeatedly that he needs to fill this information out. On top of this, he also files paperwork incorrectly and sloppy. For example, if he were to file a pile of papers into a folder, he would just gather all the paper, not checking if papers are upside down or backward and just clip them together - not even neatly clipped and just toss them in the file folder. I’ve dealt with this for months and always tried to practice patience and compassion. For the duration of my tenure, I’ve had to double check his work and clean after him. Fast forward to this week, Jean and I are covering for our coworker who is on medical leave for 2 weeks. So we’re tired and the stress is high, this is the most we’ve worked in a while. But when I came in on Monday after Jean clocked out (he opens, I close) and noticed that he didn’t fill out any paperwork at all, I had enough and reached out to him to let him know that his minimal work is unacceptable, especially because myself and our other coworker put so much time and effort into what we do. He then told me that he’s developmentally disabled and he’s stressed, I told him I understand but it’s no excuse, especially since this has been going on for months and since he’s been talked to by management about his work habits before. I also then told him I’d be letting our manager know and include how he’s unprofessional and rude to the test takers. (Gotten multiple complaints from test takers about his attitude).
AITA for thinking his disability is not an excuse for his poor working habits?

Has anyone been dealing with fraud issue and what is your result? And how was the experience when dealing with the bank? This experience has reached a new low for me.
Weeks ago, an unknown company took $400 dollars from me ( made 8 transactions, $50 each, in midnight ). The next morning I found out I called the bank immediately. During this phone call, the fraud company tried to make more transactions, the bank saw the transaction and stopped it. Then, the bank cancelled my card, said that I have to wait for up to 60 days for the 'investigation' result; said they would ask the fraud to return my money. I asked what can I do to protect my bank account, they said nothing more. And I asked how can I stop anyone to make transaction repeatedly from my account; they told me there is nothing that I can do about it, and this fraud happened because my card details might be leaked via online purchasing.
Then I have waited for about 2 weeks, no news.
Yesterday I was paying my beam trip via BEAM app, the app saved my OLD card details (which I supposed it was cancelled). The payment was successfully made!!!!!WITH MY OLD CARD!!!! I called the bank, they said 'oh yes, the card was cancelled, but the shop has a "token" to make payment repeatedly and they don't need your new card details.'
The problem is, I asked numerous times to confirm if there is anything to prevent this kind of repeat transaction, they said NOTHING.
If I wasn't requesting them to remove all the token, the bank didn't even bring up this matters. I asked them to stop any kind of repeat transactions from a single merchant, they said their system does not have this function to stop it. All I can do is wait for their investigation result. And I asked again what I can do to improve the account security or what the bank can do to prevent this happens again. They suddenly wanted the conversation cut short and said 'I understand your frustration, but if we have nothing else to discuss I will have to end this conversation.'
What kind of response is this? really? nothing to think of to improve the account security? If I did not found out the token thing, they will never explain anything/ bring this up.
Before the fraud, I only leave $50 in the account that connect with my card ( like 99% of time). I always put excess money away. For this practice, my payment to coffee subscription, mobile plan, broadband etc has always failed, because these transaction is over $50. The night that this incident happened, was someone paid me $400 and I forgot to move the money out immediately. The money was in my account for like 1 night. and the next morning I checked it was gone!
My online transactions were mostly big company, like 'Adobe', 'Microsoft', 'Harvey Norman', 'New World', 'Bunnings' etc, and a few smaller businesses for 3d printing and craft supplies, 'Gordon Harris', 'Marvle3D', 'CCG', 'SILICA GEL PRODUCTS' etc.
Now I leave no money in my card account, always have to transfer money before I make any kind of purchase, even for a scone. For weeks I have been worried this could happen again, I'm running out of idea to improve the account security.
I am really surprise that - a 'merchant/ payee' able to charge same amount of money repeatedly in a short period of time, and it does not raise a red flag/warning to the bank. For what I have heard is some fraud will make a small transaction like $1 a few times then they will try to take a larger amount.

Since the update last night I'm seeing around 265 ping across the board to all US West servers as opposed to the typical 150ping. Was there perchance a change in network ingress associated with the update?
I understand this is kind of a niche problem but as a player who plays from Asia with friends in the US the loss of all raiding worlds is pretty detrimental for both our GIM group and upcoming bingo.
For completeness sake:

• ping to Australian worlds , UK, Germany, etc. remains consistent. I'm unsure about US east worlds as I seldom use them.
  
• Anecdotally - it seems that US West worlds and US East has the same ping for me whereas there used to be about a 90 ping difference in favour of US West so I wonder if there's some co-located network infrastructure between the two.
  
• I've already rebooted my router and computer and flushed DNS cache per Jagex's recommendation.
  
• I have tracert logs at the ready.
  

Thank you for investigating.

Hi all, long time browser, first time poster, would love some advice.
My partner and I have been together nearly 18 months.
She came to me last week and said that she got turned on while talking to another guy on a night out (I'm fairly sure nothing happened, she came home a few hours later and we had some pretty good sex), and wanted to know what my thoughts on opening up the relationship.
Now I've been guilty of being a pushover in the past and I'm learning how to respect myself better and set boundaries, so I said a firm no. I said I only want to give my love to one person, and if she wanted to go and sleep around, she was welcome to do so, but I would be moving out and moving on.
This shook me a little bit and I was battling feelings of insecurity with the status of the relationship, which took me a little bit of time and thinking to process. But this made me realise that our sex life and general connection needs improvement, if she's been tempted to stray.
We have fairly regularly sex, which is usually pretty good, but not mind-blowing. After living together for a year, we've fallen into a bit of a routine and probably haven't been making as much of an effort for each other. She still usually has 2-3 orgasms per session, and I'm very into giving her oral. I like to think I'm a very 'giving' lover but I could still find ways to improve.
One of the problems I'm having is trying to get on the same page regarding sexual communication. I'm very into open and honest communication and I find that's a key way that I feel connection to my partner, which helps with me getting turned on.
She's a bit different.
We had a conversation a day after the 'opening the relationship' conversation where after a bit of tension, she admitted that she was tempted to stray because our sex hasn't been great lately. We've been in a bit of a patch where there's been some personal illness and we've both been working really hard, And sex has just kind of taken a back seat. I mentioned that I think we could improve our sexual communication, and talk about our turn-ons a bit more. I mentioned that sometimes I don't get much feedback from her about what she likes, and while I do my best with foreplay, etc., and still manage to get her off at least once a session, sometimes it's hard to tell what's really going to blow her mind, because she doesn't seem to want to communicate like that.
One thing that's been playing on my mind, is that she said a couple guys she's been with have made her squirt, and that's never happened with me. I'd love to be able to do that for her, so I asked how I can do that for her. She said she doesn't know. She hasn't ever made herself squirt with toys, it's just happened a couple times with previous partners before, and she wants me to figure out how.
I'm keen to go on this journey with her, but I feel like we have very different views on how the communication should be surrounding all of this. I said it's going to take practice and a lot of communication and feedback about what's working for you and what's not, when I'm hitting the good spot, etc. Her words were exactly this "I'd rather just feel it out".
She seems reluctant to open up the communication, and would prefer me to 'just know' or 'feel out' how to get her off better, rather than opening up dialogue about it.
Does this represent a fundamental difference in our communication styles? Are we able to come to a compromise around this? Does this indicates that we're potentially incompatible and would better suited to other people? (Which is a thought that's been on my mind for a while)
Any advice or discussion about related experiences welcome.
TL;DR: Trying to improve sex life with girlfriend, I want to improve our communication surrounding our sex life, she would prefer to just "feel it out". Worried that we're just not compatible in our communication styles.

The Terran Union Heavy Cruiser, Roanoke, had spent the last 6 months raiding Naalx supply lines in the Flores sector.
They were finally returning to Terran Space for some much-needed refit and some R&R. But first, they were stopping at the Bateri space station orbiting Emsar IV.
She would be meeting a Terran Union squadron to escort her prizes back to the Couster system. 4 freighters, a massive ore hauler, and a damaged Naalx corvette that answered a distress call sooner than expected.
The Roanoke was one of the new Grenville class heavy cruisers, faster and more heavily armed than the other heavy cruiser classes operating as part of a Terran Union fleet.
They were designed as solo raiders able to operate deep in enemy space, raiding enemy supply lines and facilities.
Their design included several newly developed systems, including a new style of radiator for dumping excess heat.
At 500 m long and painted black as night, she was very intimidating to see on visual screens and even more so at close range. Her CrCoNi (chromium, cobalt, and nickel) hull was covered in 12” of ablative armor covered in a black laser-resistant material able to reduce the effectiveness of enemy sensors and target locks.
The experimental Baxter radiators efficiently released excess heat into space but still left them exposed to radiation detection sensors.
Captain Josef Král had been hand-picked to command the Roanoke when she came into service 18 months ago. He was a popular officer with 20 years of combat experience on just about every ship in the Terran Union’s navy.

He’d also provided technical assistance during its design phase so his familiarity with the ship made him the best choice for putting the ship through her paces. This would be the very first voyage behind enemy lines as a raider.
And it’d been a rousing success, hitting targets deep in Naalx space as reprisal for Naalxian raids on Terran border colonies. The First Naalx-Terran war had devastated both species and left them vulnerable to outside forces. The war wasn’t won so much as winding down to a series of raids and counter-raiding. A gentleman’s agreement to prevent raids and border skirmishes from turning into another full-scale war and the earlier consequences.
And Captain Král was very good at approaching that line in the sand without going over it. Several centuries earlier he’d have been a Privateer sailing the oceans on Earth.
This even led to the revival of the old pirate movies of the 20th century but Captain Král preferred likening it to the submarine warfare of the first half of the 20th century. That didn’t stop his crew from giving him a robot parrot.
He claims to hate it but everyone knows he’s been teaching it his extensive vocabulary of curse words, in dozens of languages, that he loved it.
And if you call him out on him walking around with it on his shoulder, he’ll claim he was just humoring the crew.
Captain Král was relieved to see the Terran squadron had arrived before him and ordered his little fleet to dock. It would be good to be able to get off the ship and move around without weapons.
As Captain Král exited the ship, he was surprised to see Commodore Allen waiting for him. It’d been several years since he last saw his friend and previous XO. Taking his prerogative as a Captain, he skipped the formalities, shook hands, and gave Commodore Allen a friendly slap on the back.
“Mike? What the hell are you doing here? This is escort job is for a Lt. to do” He asked
“I was in the neighborhood and volunteered. I wanted to see this new ship of yours and it’s been too long since we got a drink together.” Mike replied
Captain Král took a glance back to his ship and wasn’t surprised to see his current XO, Lt. Commander Nana Ricci had the resupply well in hand.
With a big grin, Captain Král said, “Let me see to my guests and we can see if we can scandalize the ratings like we used to.”
Captain Král approached the waiting station manager. The Bateri bowed in the formal greeting of her people. Not having the tentacles needed to return the bow, he just saluted her.
“Greetings Captain Král of the Terrans, how may we be of service?” The Bateri asked.
“Greetings Ananu of the Bateri. We request the use of your services,” he replied, finishing the ritual greeting.
“I see you returned successful in your raiding,” Ananu said, “How many bunks will you need?”
Unsurprised that the Bateri knew his mission, he replied “ 72 bunks with 3 more for your med bay, if you have the room.”
One of the most important functions provided by the Bateri was allowing for the return of captives taken in raids. This helped to keep things calmer by freely releasing captives to limit the amount of bad blood created during the raids and conflicts.
Crates of supplies, ammo, missiles, and the various other things needed to keep the ship functioning were being transferred from the smaller Terran ships. With her weapon complement being only slightly smaller than a battleship, she could go through a lot of ammunition. Even without being in serious combat, he liked to run frequent gunnery drills. Some Captains would just let their tactical computers handle operating the weapon systems and just have the gunnery crews handle reloads. But some hard lessons taught him that having the gunnery crews able to take direct control, as needed, was essential. He preferred to use up as much ammunition as needed during training to save lives later in combat.
Seeing everything in hand, he walked back to join his friend for a drink. They caught up on the doings of old friends and Mike’s family, toasts to fallen comrades, and eventually to the Roanoke.
‘How did she operate on her first long-range mission?” Mike asked
Taking a moment to organize his thoughts, Captain Král took a sip of his drink. “She handled better than expected. The new engine behaved itself, surprising for being just off the drawing board, the Baxters were damn efficient.”
Taking another sip before continuing, “ We didn’t use the torpedoes or the turreted railguns in combat but the rest performed as expected. That Corvette didn’t stand a chance so we didn’t get a full test of all the combat systems.”
“Going by the number of munitions I brought with me, you’d think I was resupplying a battleship” Mike joked
“Just about,” Captain Král chuckled. “During the design phase, I had to argue for such an increase of armament.” “It seemed to take forever for them to get it through their thick skulls that we’d be out there all alone and couldn’t call for reinforcements.” “So I convinced them to put the 2 particle beam systems in the bow of the ship and give me the 4 torpedo tubes. They had no problem with the pair at the bow but they couldn’t figure out why I wanted a pair aft. I swear I thought about launching them out of a tube.”

“At least they were starting to get it when I up-gunned the turrets to carry two large railguns. They did get upset at wanting to put on a turret in the middle of the ventral side but were relieved I left the other turret on the dorsal side ahead of the command structures”
Commodore Allen asked,” From the glimpse I got as you docked, it looked like you doubled the usual weapon systems?”
“She still has them 10 secondary batteries but I went with dual medium railguns for them” Captain Král replied, “ I put 4 of the quad-mounted autocannons on each side of the ship.”
“ It should let us save wear and tear on the railguns when we catch unarmed ships or against incoming fighters.”
“ I understand and it also saves on missiles, which with 4 heavy and 8 medium is a lot of missiles to carry.” Commodore Allen replied.
“I’ve also heard you were running tests on a more powerful deflector array to do more than just protect against radiation and small debris. Like maybe actual shields that would work on anything smaller than a battleship?”
“Yeah but not with any success,” Captain Král answered, “Anytime we tried to go past the standard low-power output, it played hell with our sensors.”
It was at that moment when Captain Král’s wrist communicator beeped for his attention.
“Just a second Mike,” he said as he keyed the communicator. “ Král, go ahead”
The sound of Lt. Commander Ricci’s voice came through the speaker, “ Priority message from the bridge Captain.”
“ What is the message?” Captain Král asked, not liking the way Ricci’s voice sounded worried
“ Sensor buoy reports large Naalx fleet dropping out of FTL, 2 million km out,” Ricci reported
Commodore Allen gave Captain Král the same concerned look that he was sure was on his face. “How many?” The captain asked
Ricci hesitated for a moment before answering “37 ships with more arriving every couple of minutes.”
Commodore Allen swore
Captain Král looked at his friend, “How long until you get your crews and get out of here?”
Commodore Allen thought for a moment, “ Maybe 20 minutes at the minimum.”
Captain Král muttered to himself, “They’ll be here before that.”
Both men got up, signaled to any of their personnel in the bar, and started out the door. “I’ll buy you the time but I’ll need to undock as soon as I get aboard my ship, maybe I can catch them off-guard. “ Captain Král
Commodore Allen replied, “That’s a suicide mission, there are too many for one ship to handle”
“Yeah, I know, old friend but if I don’t then we all die.” Captain Král explained, “ Do me a favor, I’m going to send you my non-essential personnel, take them and those still on the station with you. Get them home.”
Reaching the hatch to the docking bay, both men stopped to shake hands. “Of course, Josef.” Commodore Allen replied, “But if anyone can find a way out of it, it’s you, my friend.”
After a final salute, both men parted ways to reach their ship. As Captain Král jogged down the docking bay, he sent orders for Ricci to send all non-essential personnel to Commodore Allen and asked if they had sufficient hands to man all combat stations.
Ricci’s reply reassured him, “ Aye Sir, most of the crew on the station are from the 2nd watch, and the few people from the first watch are non-essential.”
“Be ready to launch as soon as I get aboard.” He ordered.
He passed several members of his crew, en route to join Commodore Allen. He stopped to return their salute. At the disappointed look in their eyes, he told them. “I know you don’t want to leave the ship but the Commodore needs some real sailors to get out on time. You know how those logistic guys are. They’ll get lost trying to find their own bridge”
That look reassured them and after a final salute, they headed down the dock to join Commodore Allen
Captain Král reached the cargo ramp and started up it, calling Ricci and telling her to shove off and he’d be on the bridge shortly.
He sprinted down the corridor, leaping over the lower lips of the vacuum-tight doors.
“Captain on the Bridge!” rang out from one of the bridge techs. Aside from the guards and his XO, the rest of the bridge crew kept working. Nodding his approval at their knowing when to discard ceremony for action. He walked over toward his console before speaking.
“What do we have, Lt. Commander?”
Turning to face him, Captain Král could see just how worried she was. “Current count is 48 ships.” Touching the console’s keys to bring up a list of ships before continuing, “ 18 capital ships and a mix of sub-caps, still trying to ID them.”
“They’re just maintaining position for now.” Ricci finished, her voice slightly puzzled.
“They’re waiting for something or someone,” Captain Král answered the unasked question.
“How many crew did we leave behind?”
“641, Sir” the XO replied
“ Helm, are we clear of the station's shielding?”
“Almost Sir,” The helmsman answered.
“Thank you.” Captain Král returned.
Turning to another tech, he said, “Sound Battlestations”

“Sir,” one of his sensor techs spoke up, “We have 2 more ships arriving.”
“ Thank you, Ensign.” Captain Král returned
“What class are they?” Lt Commander Ricci asked
After looking at her monitor again the tech replied, “1 heavy cruiser and something much bigger, waiting for the computer to ID it.”
Captain Král moved to look over the tech’s shoulder before standing up and facing his XO.
“Fleet Command Ship” he informed the tech and his XO.
Lt. Commander Ricci replied, “What the hell is one doing out here?”
“Good Question.” he answered, “And now that the players are on the field, the game can begin.”
Bringing up the sensor information to his console, Captain Král pointed at the enemy fleet. “They haven’t begun to deploy into battle formation yet.”
“That could be our chance.” Raising his head to look at his XO. “If we jump now we can land close and surprise them. After we land, we drive into the center of their formation and head for that big bastard.” He explained
“But Sir, We haven’t fully tested the jump drive!” the XO exclaimed
“No time like the present, “ Captain Král joked

“We’ll let the railguns and autocannon crews pick targets of opportunity, while we engage the command ship with our particle cannons, heavy railguns, and torpedoes,” he stated
“What about its point defense system, won’t it pick off the torps?” the XO asked
“We’re going to launch all the Hammerheads at it. It should overwhelm the system and let the torps through.” He answered before continuing, “I’m going to save the heavy missiles for now.”
“You’ll need to calculate the launch time of the Hammerheads to hit the point defense system as close to the time for the torpedoes to sneak through.” he ordered, “ But not so far they take out the Hammerheads too soon and let them hit the torps but not so close they set them off either.”
Looking at his XO, “You better get down to tactical Nana, this is going to get ugly, and it’s best we split up.” Captain Král commanded
Exchanging salutes, Ricci simply replied “Aye Sir.” and started for the hatch. Just before stepping through, she turned and said, “Good Luck, Sir.
“What’s the status of the Commodore’s squad?” Captain Král asked
One of his communication techs spoke up, “ They need 10 more minutes”
“Let me know the minute they are clear.” Captain Král ordered
Captain Král turned to comms tech and ordered, “Intraship comms if you please ensign”
“Aye sir” the tech replied before turning to his console and speaking into the mic,” Now hear this, Now hear this. Message from the Captain.”
“ Well folks, this isn’t the fight I wanted but this is the fight we got” Captain Král started
“ I’m sure you’ve heard scuttlebutt about the situation but here it is. We are facing a superior force numbering 49 ships. And we need to give the Commodore’s squadron time to go to FTL and get the hell out of here.” he paused before continuing, “ The plan is to mix it up with the enemy at close range. They aren’t in battle formation yet so we can hurt them.”
“Good luck and let’s make them regret fucking with the Roanoke.”
The sounds of cheers came back over the speakers.
“Helm, are we clear of the station shielding?” the Captain asked
At the affirmative given by the helmsmen, he just nodded
Touching a button on his console, he asked, “Are you in place XO?”
“Aye Sir.” the Lt. Commander replied
“ As soon as we land, be ready to open up with the dual and quad mounts.” He ordered
The XO replied with an affirmative.
“Helm, at my command, jump between 25-50 km to the starboard of the fleet.”
“As soon as we land, hard to port and get us in the middle of them. Be ready for rapid maneuvers, maybe we can throw off their laser battery tracking systems. Might let us survive a little longer” Captain Král ordered. “Aye Sir” the helmsman replied
Taking a quick look around to make sure his crew was ready, he turned back to wait for the signal the jump drive was ready.
At the signal, he ordered “Jump”
He felt the ship lurch forward and shudder. It took less than 5 seconds to jump from the station to within the targeted range, but it felt like forever.
And then they were less than 5 km from an enemy battleship.
“Oh shit!” exclaimed the helmsman and steered to avoid it. Captain Král hid a moment of panic with a joke, “ Someone make note that the jump drive targeting system needs work.”
His joke brought a chuckle from his crew and got them back to focus on the taste.
Stabbing a button on his console, he ordered “XO, fire secondary batteries,”
There was nothing to see or hear from the massive volleys of the secondary batteries coming to life. But he knew the gun crews were already raining devastation on enemy warships. “Helm, Hard to Port!” he ordered, not tearing his view away from the main viewscreen.
Captain Král looked at his console at the images sent to the bridge from the various gun cameras.
He could see the flashes of light from projectiles hitting their shields. He watched as other high-velocity projectiles punched through their hulls. He could just make out the impact of the explosive-tipped slugs fired by the autocannons.
Captain Král turned back to the main viewscreen. “Hard to starboard!”
“Head for that big son of a bitch!” he ordered
The Naalx were slow to respond but they began to return fire with some trying to gain some distance to clear the line of fire of other ships. The helmsman’s evasive maneuvers were also giving the enemy’s gunners fits from repeated misses.
But the damage sensors on the armor told of an increasing number of hits as the Naalx began to respond in an organized manner. The resistance coating reduced the damage from the Naalx laser batteries but didn’t completely nullify it. “Helm, get me a clear shot at the command ship.” the Captain ordered
A bright flash to starboard marked the death of an enemy cruiser. Status reports listed 2 sub-capitals holed and venting atmosphere. Dead or damaged, they were out of the fight.
One capital ship was dead in space with another missing its bow.
5 down too damn many to go The captain muttered
He watched and waited, ignoring damage alarms and the occasional shudder as shots began to get through the armor and explosively decompress a compartment when they penetrated the hull.
He finally saw what he wanted, an unobstructed line of fire to the command ship.
His finger smashed down on the console button. “ XO, Launch Torpedoes. Take the gloves off the main batteries. Drop the hammer!”
He watched the glitter of the particle beams as they bridged the gap between the Roanoke and the Naalx ship. In a moment, he caught sight of the torpedoes' thrusters as they left the tubes and picked up momentum. Holes and brief explosions marked the impact of his weapons. But the sheer volume of Naalxian fire was beginning to take its toll. The armor was failing or had failed in over a dozen spots. 3 autocannon and 1 railgun mount were out of commission.
2 minutes after they launched the torpedoes, the sight of more than 100 Hammerhead missiles was marked by the flare of their drives. Another volley of Hammerheads was launched the moment new missiles were lifted into the racks.
Captain Král called down to tactical, “XO, hold off on another volley for hammerheads.”
Checking his console, “Launch Shrikes at targets of opportunity with no shields, rear tubes target enemy capital ships and hope those torpedoes get through.” he ordered.
Multiple small explosions let him know the point defense systems were taking on the Hammerheads. And a moment later, a pair of massive explosions told him the nuclear-tipped torpedoes had hit their target.
“Captain, The Commodore’s squadron has escaped.” one of his techs announced.
“Thank you,” he answered
“Distance to command ship?” he asked
“ 250 km Sir” was the reply
“Helm, continue advancing on the command ship and pass her on our port side. We’ll give her a broadside and go to FTL after we clear.”
A tech from the damage control position spoke up, “Captain! FTL is down and jump drive is destroyed”
“Ahh hell’ cried the Captain.
“Damage report!” he ordered
“ Ventral turret destroyed, railgun mounts 2 and 5 destroyed, mount 9 damaged but functional. Autocannon mounts 11,13, 23 and 25 destroyed. Hammerhead launchers 3 and 8 destroyed.” The tech checked the screen before continuing, “ Explosive decompressions on decks 3 and 5. Explosive decompression in Med Bay. Ablative armor badly damaged and penetrated in around 20 spots. Engine #3 is down. Power unstable in many areas of the ship”
“FTL down, engineering needs an hour to fix. The jump drive is destroyed. Long-range comms are down” The tech finished.
“Casualty reports!” Captain Král ordered
A different tech replied, “249 dead, roughly 800 wounded with 327 too injured to fight.”
“Thank you.” he returned. Doing the math in his head he had just over 1300 combat effective and 482 of those were his Marines, the other 18 were left behind.
After thinking a moment, “Helm, same course as before but since we can’t go to FTL, circle to the aft of the command ship and lessen the incoming fire for the moment”
Looking over to the comms tech, “ Get me the chief engineer on the horn.”
Tapping the switch on the console, he called down to tactical. “ XO, I’m taking us around to the aft of the command ship and play peek-a-boo.”
“We’ll pass on her port side and I want a broadside from all batteries that can hit it and launch half the Shrikes we have left at it.”
“After we get to their rear, target enemy aft batteries, I want them all hunks of twisted metal.” Captain Král ordered
“Aye Sir.” Lt. Commander Ricci replied. “Ammo count update Sir.”
“Go ahead,” he replied
“Only the two forward tubes are loaded, aft tubes empty, railgun and autocannon are down to 30%. Dorsal turret is at 10% but they are working on transferring surviving ammo from the Ventral turret.
We can launch 4 more full racks of Shrikes and 5+ Hammerheads.” She finished
“Understood. Thank you” Captain Král replied
“Captain, Chief Engineer on the line” a tech relayed
“Route it to my console,” he ordered
“ I need you to place charges on the computer core, all the experimental equipment, engines, and fire suppression control. If we go down, I don’t want them getting a damn thing but blood and pain.”
“Aye Sir.” The Chief replied.

Captain Král turned back to watch as the Roanoke passed the command ship to port. He watched as massive explosions rippled across the enemy flank and dorsal surface. They were too close for the point defense to pick off the majority of the Shrikes.
As the Roanoke got behind and slightly below the enemy command ship, she slowed and allowed her surviving batteries to silence the command ship's aft batteries.
Captain Král called down to tactical, “XO, fire half our remaining hammerheads into her engines.”
“Affirmative,” replied the XO
Captain Král watched as the hammerheads impacted the command ship’s engines and saw the thrust nozzles dim as the engines went offline. The enemy batteries stopped firing and she began to drift.
“Helm, get us 500 km from the command ship and line up to fire our last 2 avalanche torpedoes.” Captain Král ordered
“Aye Sir, 500km bow towards the enemy” the helmsman repeated
The Captain called down to tactical ” Nana, We’re positioning the ship to line up the front tubes and we’re going to kill that bastard. Stay on the line and fire on my order.”
“Aye Sir, we’re ready.” The XO answered
“Helm?” Captain Král asked
“ 3 seconds Captain.” the helmsman replied
Captain Král watched and as soon as he got the angle he wanted, “Fire Torpedoes!” he commanded
The whole bridge crew watched and waited for the impact. Both torpedoes struck amidships and tore massive holes in the hull. As they watched, lines of explosions traveled across the hull and began to rip the ship in half. The bridge crew let out a yell and the rest of the ship after the Captain had the information broadcast over the intercom.

“ Helm, get us the hell out of here. Maybe we can outrun the bigger ships and buy time to fix the FTL.” Captain Král ordered
But before the helmsman could act, there was a massive jolt.
“What the hell?” he yelled
A tech answered, “ We were rammed by a Naalx cruiser and several smaller ships are closing in.“
But instead of ramming the Roanoke, they launched breeching pods.
His finger stabbed down to open the intercom. “ All hands, Prepare to Repel Boarders! Security teams, tactical will relay their access position. “ He ordered
He pulled out his sidearm and checked that it was ready. Several other techs did the same, while his security detachment moved to defensive positions to watch the hatch.
“Target those pods!” Captain Král ordered but he didn’t need to say it, his gunnery crews were on it. Here and there a brief flash of light marked the destruction of a pod.

“XO, fire all remaining missiles. Pick your targets,” he commanded “All batteries, open fire.”
He left the tac net open to track the status of the enemy boarding parties.
He listened to the cacophony of noises coming over the tac net.
“Security team alpha to section 7, level 3. Bravo team section 2 level 1, Charlie team section 12, level 5” Lt. Commander Ricci ordered.
“There’s too many, fall back to position 2…” an unidentified voice ordered
Another voice firmly stated, “Hold your ground, nothing gets past us.”
“Theta team down, a handful of Naalx heading for engineering!” a panicked voice exclaimed
And dozens of others just like it, always with the sound of combat in the background.
“Captain, more breaching pods en route!” a tech exclaimed
“Get me the Chief Engineer!” the Captain ordered
At the Chief Engineer’s response, he ordered “Detonate all sabotage charges except the main computer. Set that one on a manual trigger at my console with a 20-minute timer as a backup. And then set the reactors to overload, we’re not going to hold the ship much longer. And set a charge to breach the hull and decompress Engineering as soon as you are clear”
“Affirmative, Captain. She was a good ship” the Chief replied
Turning to his bridge crew, “Give the order to abandon ship. Have all the pods head for the station.”
The Captain called tactical, “Lt. Commander Ricci, all hands abandon ship. Get as many of them home as you can.”
“ I understand, Sir.” She answered, “I’ll see you at the station.” she said hopefully
“I'm afraid not, Nana. I’m the Captain and I’m going down with my ship.” he stated, “And someone needs to make sure they can’t shut down the overload.”
“Transfer all fire controls to my station and get the hell out of here.”
“Aye Sir, It’s been an honor” the XO replied
“The honor is all mine. You are going to make an excellent Captain. Goodbye my friend” Captain Král finished.
His bridge crew tried to convince him to go with them but he declined and ordered security to get them into the escape pods.
Then he sat and watched as his consoles began reporting each pod as it launched. He also kept an eye on his sensors and concentrated fire on any Naalx ship that was moving to intercept the pods. They knew better than to fire on them but nothing said they couldn’t capture them.
He also prepared a probe with all the ship logs and combat data and fired it toward human-held territory. It would run silently until it exited the system and then begin broadcasting a coded signal for pickup.
He was dismayed at how few pods had left the ship and regretted so many young lives had been cut short.
As he saw the last pod clear the battlefield, he sat back for a moment and then triggered the charge on the main computer.
A hard pounding came from the other side of the hatchway. But there wasn’t enough power to open it. He guessed the pinging on the door was them firing their lasers and trying to blast it open.
He wondered if it would work but a huge rumble, a bright flash, interrupted, and the long career of Captain Král was finally over.
News of the Roanoke’s final battle flashed across news channels on hundreds of worlds. Her courageous and foolhardy charge at a superior force. The damage she did to the Naalx fleet before her destruction. How, of the 1859 members of the crew that went into the battle, only 108 survived.
The videos taken from both sides during the battle played over and over again.
How the Naalx picked up all the escape pods and released them on the station immediately.
And even recovered the bodies of any human they found while gathering their dead.
Naalx losses were the command ship, 2 capital ships, 9 sub-capitals destroyed, and a dozen other vessels damaged in one form or another. Naalx casualties were over 50,000 dead
Only the Naalx’s immense respect for courage, audacity, and bravery in the face of danger kept the skirmish from blowing up into a war.
The Naalx rendered full military honors as they turned the Human dead over to Lt. Commander Ricci.
The Captain Král, A Grenville-class cruiser, was launched 2 years later. Captain Nana Ricci in command.
Authors note- I hope you enjoyed this story. It's based on a historical event. Which according to an idiot on youtube is plagiarism.
If you feel like leaving a tip https://ko-fi.com/tomcarey

I dont know why anymore,?? something ive noticed is that I constantly feel hopeless and just just a lot of self resentment . it stems from the people I surround myself with and like.
I know who to leave, but like i genuinely cant?? like it’s probably attachment issues but ugh. one of my friends I hang out with in my day to day school lige, has a bit of an ego, and doesn’t understand how some of the things she tells me or does genuinely hurts me or other people ??? I knew her since I was 7, were 15 now, she’s been like passive aggressive towards me or like subtly bullying me since. I feel like bully is a strong word but she’ll make about me in. away that feels jokey but like she means it lmfao😭?? for example, she’ll call me dumb as a joke, but then like belittle me for my grades ??? which I don’t reallycare, but it’s the fact that she goes to ME for math, science, and english . she also treats me like a biohazard?? like she won’t let me write on her paper because I’m, ‘Dirty’ ,which i know she’s teasing but she does it. like a lot. I dont know I have trouble leaving her for a multitude of reasons, The first one being is that we have like all the same friends, and I feel like. my friends perfer her over me??? because they have a lot more in common with her than with me, and like I don’t really see myself as someone likable so I dont know it’s confusing?? I can’t leave them because I still care, and love them but I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere ??? also honestly being alone sucks a lot l??? . She also like portrays herself as a good person to others?? do even if my friends did like me, I doubt they’d believe me. Theres been times where she pointed at my self harm scars and called them disgusting and like gross. but I dont know I feel like she was just teasing and I’m over reacting???
I really do resent myself because like I geniunelu don’t think I’m good at anything; like I’m funny, (at least that’s what others say) but it doesn’t even feel like it anymore because nobody takes anything I say seriously anymore? I told one of my friends I was clinically depressed and she was like “like YOUD know anything about depression” and laughed it off ??? IM DIAGNOSED 😭 . it honestly feels like my friends are laughing AT me and never with me??? I also like feel ugly a lot lol; this has been a problem since I was 11 ish and I dont know what started it,? i always felt fat and I know I’m not but I just . I dont know??? like I’m 4”11 ish and 103 pounds which I know is like good; but all of my friends are thinner and prettier than me, and like I kinda just feel worse compared to them??? like I have an eating disorder and i’ve been to the hospital because of it , but my mom doesn’t believe me because I’m not skinny enough to have one??? and like they’re just naturally skinny and pretty?? I also don’t llll do make up or skin care; because my skin is like clear and I kinda hate my face and I don’t wanna fuck up how I feel about myself further with make up ahha. I also just sound. bad?? like my voice doesn’t have a clear accent because I learnt bangla and english at the same time and I just. sound. stupid lol and multiple people have made fun of me for my voice
Recently ish, 1 month ago during ramadan, my dad left the country for 1 month and a half without any type of notice and like blocked my number and moms number. This scared mr, I thought he was abandoning us . and I felt like it was deserved because I wasn’t good enough for him??? like I feel like I failed him by being tomboyish, having average grades, not being close with him, not being religious and just being a fucking loser??? I cried for weeks about this lmfao and it further instilled my self hatred
like I dont know people say teen years are the best years but like??? dude I am willingly dragging myself through shards of glsss and bleeding out on them. I am causing my own downfall knowing I can probably change . there’s other things i want to write about too but I’m tired rn ughdhdkhxhd

(Long story srry)
Wanted to share my journey here with dry eyes in hopes that someone else might find my story useful.
I want to premise this by saying I’ve always been an active person, going to the gym 6-7 times a week and being an avid lifter. I’m fairly strict with my diet but not afraid to indulge here and there. I have also been someone who has always had sensitive eyes and skin and I’ve struggled with getting pink eye regularly throughout my 20’s.
February 2023 I stayed at an Airbnb and woke up with terrible pink eye. I waited a day hoping I could resolve it with over the counter medication but the next day having seen that it was getting worse I went to urgent care.
I thought this could be related to an Airbnb that wasn’t cleaned properly or the detergent from the sheets being too strong.
I was put on antibiotic eye drops for a week and after there was still traces left. I went to urgent care again and they kept me on antibiotics for another week and told me to see an optometrist if the issue didn’t resolve.
1 week later I had seen no change and scheduled an appt with an eye doctor. The doctor wanted to keep me on eye drops but switched to a stronger brand. She said my glands looked healthy, I showed no dryness but that my eyes looked like they were having an allergic reaction but that it was rare to have an allergic reaction without oozing and itching. At the time I wore DIY eyelash extensions but had removed them the night before getting pink eye to give my eyes a rest. She ensured me it wasn’t my extensions. 1 more visit with her and 5 more visits being told the same thing with an ophthalmologist, I was diagnosed with dry eye.
A week later I got laid off from my job therefore booted off my insurance and could no longer afford the prescription so I resorted to my own research to find the root cause for my irritation.
I tried everything under the sun. Paid out of pocket for a blood indoor allergy test only to find out I had none, got off birth control, slept with a humidifier, tried Manuka honey, and all other natural oils. Though some of these gave me temporary relief none helped the root cause and my symptoms were only getting worse.
I eventually stopped wearing makeup altogether and slipped into the worst depression feeling like there was no hope. I stopped drinking with friends because I knew the alcohol would cause me to wake up with my eye inflamed, stopped wanting to go out, and stopped getting ready for the day because I knew I wouldn’t feel confident with my constantly inflamed eye.
I convinced myself I had a vitamin deficiency, having just moved in with my bf and my diet taking a bit of a turn so started taking multiple supplements. Still nothing helped.
I went 12 months without insurance, and waited for the day I could secure a job with it. After getting a new full-time job it was the first thing I did. I went to see a holistic doctor this time, hoping they would actually listen to me and give me answers. By this time I had also become congested, had TERRIBLE dry lips that burned constantly and developed skin problems under my nose when I never had before.
She wanted to run multiple blood tests on me and told me the exact same thing as the previous three doctors in that my eye looked like it was having an allergic reaction. She asked me if during the time I had started taking anything new. Nothing came to mind at the time.
I had to stop taking all supplements for 2 days and fast for 8 hours before my blood tests and I noticed that during that time my lips and skin had slightly felt better.
Post tests I decided to continue doing so, only taking my magnesium and fish oil. After two weeks I noticed significant change in my lips and skin.
Thinking back on it the ONLY supplement I had consistently took, spanning 2 years before even getting pink eye, WAS A B-COMPLEX.
I got my blood results back and was regular in all things including iron, gut health, hormones, and autoimmune. The only test that came back irregular and extremely high was B12- which made sense.
It’s been 32 days now without b complex and my skin and lips are completely resolved and my eyes are 70% healed.
Still unsure how this resulted in my onset pink eye. Thinking maybe, my at time 2 years of b-complex use, the sheet detergent in the airbnb (I always use sensitive detergent), my face wash (which I found out also irritated my eyes), and maybe my retinol under eye cream (which I’ve also given up since) all created the perfect concoction for my dry eye to progress suddenly??
After a year of pure hell and my confidence reaching an all time low I’m starting to feel like myself again and I really just wanted to share my story. PLEASE LOOK AT THE REGULAR SUPPLEMENTS YOU’RE TAKING. I had a reaction after 2 YEARS of regular use. I think this is called a vitamin toxicity. But thinking I was only helping my health, the idea of it being my b-complex completely went over my head. I was poisoning myself this whole time.
My doctor suspects my eye will go back to normal after another month.
A year before getting pink eye I had also gotten angular chellitis for 4 MONTHS and couldn’t figure out what the cause was, it just went away one day. I’ve also had no libido the last 1.5 years, thinking this was all related to the same problem.
I hope this helps!

Greetings!
I know you're able to bill E&M codes alongside Medicare wellness visits. I'm just a little fuzzy on the rules/regulations.
If a patient has multiple stable chronic problems and were due for a follow up on those--would you go ahead and add on the chronic visit? Even if you're not making any changes?
One of my doctor friends says they regularly schedule patients wellness visits the same day as their chronic follow up. Even if everything is stable and they're not making changes.
Another doctor friend is under the impression that in order to add on say a 99214: something has to have changed or required new medication, testing, etc.
Appreciate any and all input.

Things to consider before reading , the red logo stands for Gamestop and he showed the name of every song on purpose so you can go and read the lyrics.Everything he did is calculated.
First video : https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790532552828289526 he informs us red clothes and bleeding = the stock will bleed today
2 video : https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790713748866371690 the red logo on her dress is the Gamestop logo = red day incoming , SONG lyrics : Right now, down, down, down
3 video : https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790717515523658119 Again u can see the red Gamestop logo on his shirt while he is getting electrocuted, "you want to be fooled"=They will try to fool you to sell ,the words " IM BACK" in red = the stock will bleed but also "IN THE SADDLE AGAIN" is green = with burden (buying while stock is red) you will get $ because green =money
4 video: https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790721293089964126 at the end you can see the Gamestop logo again and it says under "HOLD PATTERN UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE" this one is self explanatory lol
5 video : https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790725065585439065 look at some of the lyrics of this song : "Singing we're here to keep your prices down" , "You made a pig's ear, you made a mistake", "You got away with it but we lie in wait" , "you're fast to lose, you will lose" ,
6 video : https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790728848226521547 "Youre not actually going IN to an asteroid field?" = go IN , thats why he used CAPS , again look at the lyrics of the song : "Run along now don't be glum" , "Don't be long for the end is nigh" = nigh means almost/at or to a short distance away , "Don't let moments pass along And waste before your eyes" = dont miss the moment to buy , "Come with me and the slithy toves".The asteroids that hit the spaceship on the way are the burdens before you hit the goal.
7 video : https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790732615022195139 "bitch" captions u can see red and green flag , i guess he means dont be a bitch, stocks go red and green ,they are not always green and he used RED captions for "think its a game" which probably means that the stock going red today is just a game.
8 video : https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790736391124774975 some of the lyrics : " What I need for keeps this silly game we play, play." , "I think I'm first but surely finish last, last."
9 video : https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790740164848861227 lyrics " I wanna send a message to them,Teach em a lesson quickly,Publicly addressing me, disrespecting me heavily They better be lucky the way my blessings effected me"
10 video : https://twitter.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790743946764644659 start of video you can see the gamestop logo in his hand and after MR DFV says " please return your seatbacks to their full upright and locked position" = return to the game and lock in.The conversation between them , The narrator represents : The real Roaring Kitty who holds his position and does not sell and Tyler represent the person who people yesterday thought he was and in this case a person who sold his stocks.The narrator ( Roaring Kitty) asks why do people think i am you (the person who sold his stocks) and you can see for a second a guy with red shirt besides The Narrator ( Roaring Kitty ) which represent the bleeding stock.Basically ppl think he is the person who sold because its a red day.Tyler says "why would ppl confuse you with me " and then it comes scene where the guy burns his hand and on his hand you can see the Gamestop logo.After this scene he says " because we are the same person" in pink captions which probably means that he is burning like everyone right now." I invest " with green because he is invested but also "deep fuck" with red because he gets fucked aswell."I am free" in orange i guess he could mean u could be financially free if you play it right."Kittys not here , kitty went away , kittys gone" he used red captions because ppl thought he left because the stock dropped hard but the captions after are " THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE" . "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST NIGHT AT GME FIGHT CLUB" with red captions because its not the first time GME is that red , "you have to defend the bear thesis" defend = dont sell / buy to defend against the bears you can also see the cat against them. LOOK AT THOSE CAPTIONS BTW " you ARE INsane" he used CAPS for "ARE IN" and left the rest without caps.He is basically telling ppl to go in.You can see the Gamestop logo again before the end and the captions say " the movie goes on ".
I will continue tomorrow.

Storytime (Why retake the GRE?)

I took the GRE in October 2020 at home, the old one for MS admissions, but did not end up using it for any applications. My old score for the old GRE was 323 (162V, 89th percentile; 161Q, 65th percentile) and writing was 6. I ended up getting into a decent program in applied mathematics, and needed to retake it for competitive PhD programs in biostatistics/statistics and bioinformatics for the Fall 2025 cycle. I was aiming for perfect quant and somewhat improved verbal. I am working full time doing research and writing papers and programming lots and lots, it was really challenging to prepare, but I had lots of preparation time on my side---roughly two months.

Mock Scores (Markov property)

I double majored in pure mathematics and statistics from a top public school in SoCal, but I get incredibly anxious when taking these sorts of time constrained tests, so my quant was generally not perfect at all and all over the place:

1. Two days ago I took my first mock in the morning timed and got 159V, 160Q (powerprep 2, free)
2. The same day, later in the evening, I took another mock and got 159V, 168Q (powerprep+ 2, $40)
3. The next day, I took another mock in the evening and got 161V, 164Q (powerprep+ 3, $40).

So my quant performance was all over the place. Most of the time I would literally SELECT THE WRONG ANSWER and not fully read the damn question out of anxiety.

Game day (and the day before)

I didn't get very good sleep (only slept 5hrs because I ate really late and was super worried). I made a nootropic shake concoction and had some other supplements 30-40 minutes before I started the actual exam, which helped with my sleep deficit (vegan protein, matcha powder, creatine, l-theanine shake; vitamin B complex, CoQ-10, vitamin D extra strength; and a banana). I think diet the night before is actually super important and I did heavy carb and creatine loading: finished four servings of gnocchi; 1.1lbs ribeye steak; one avocado and one salmon filet. And up until the test day, I made sure to be physically active and stuck to my workout schedule to make sure that I have the best possible VO2 max on test day. This included doing zone 2-4 cardio weekly for at least 90 minutes per week. I see lots of people give up their workout schedule, but I think that's actually detrimental.
Beyond hacking my physiology, I took my test at a test center. I think that was a big deal because the test center was super quiet and there were no distractions at all. Driving there took me 40 minutes, so I was also able to settle down emotionally and just meditate about doing well while getting there. I listened to music as well which got me in a good mood.
I had completely forgotten that we get an unofficial score as soon we finish, so I was incredibly SHOCKED at how I did. I think if I had known I get the score immediately (unofficial) I would've done worse.

Other notes (resources I liked)

GREGMAT GUY... Danke Schoen. I used mostly gregmat strategies for all my preparation.

1. I used prepswift and made a cheat sheet from prepswift concepts for verbal, quant and writing. Making the cheat sheet was really helpful.
2. In particular, I focused on a lot of the strategy guides for the verbal and quant prepswift sections.
3. I did Manhattan 5lbs first, ALL problems EXCEPT the word problem ones since those ones were too wordy for no reason compared to actual ETS problems.
4. I did no foundations for quant until after I sampled my baseline performance on the Manhattan 5lb problems. Then I revised with prepswift and the official ETS material.
5. The official ETS quant and general GRE books are really good for practice as well. These are the real indicator of test performance since the Manhattan book problems are actually a lot more challenging.
6. I had very little verbal practice. I read and write everyday, so I just wanted to hit high 80s percentile for verbal. I did practice the vocab though (gregmat vocab mountain AND Magoosh GRE vocab).
7. For people with high anxiety: for the quant, just remember to recognize patterns, read the problem, stick to your foundations, plug and chug, and breathe. Everytime I started the quant section, I used the remaining time from the verbal to write that preceding sequence out so that I was using metacognition and prevent myself from panicking.

This is the first time I have written something of this length, and is more of an exercise in self-therapy than anything else. Disclaimer: This story contains conversations about child abuse. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy it.
Nathan’s number appeared on my phone screen. I debated whether or not to answer it. We hadn’t been on speaking terms for a while, and while we did keep in touch sporadically, it was usually because of important family issues. I didn’t know of anything happening with mom or dad, nor with Talia or Rio, so I let it go to voicemail. I could always call him back later. I placed the phone back in my pocket, and returned to cleaning my camera. The phone buzzed again. A text message came through. I read the preview line from the home screen. “The city declared eminent domain on the house” I unlocked my phone, read the full text message, and dialed my brother.
I wasn't able to get any closer to the house than a few blocks. Most of the area was blocked off with chain link fencing and construction equipment in preparation for the demolition that was supposed to take place within the coming days. The barriers didn’t prevent people from walking in to the neighborhood, but it hindered scrappers from coming in and stripping the houses of copper wiring and plumbing.
I grabbed my camera bag out of the trunk of my car along with my tripod. I shouldered it and hooked the tripod to my bag. I pulled my water bottle out of the center console and shut the door. I stood next to my car surveying the neighborhood. 12 city blocks of old single family homes comprised the neighborhood where I grew up. Some of the houses had been empty for months, others for years. There was an eerie silence that permeated the still air. I could not hear the familiar sounds of people, pets, or cars. I locked the car and put my keys in my pocket. I patted my jacket down to ensure I had what I needed. After a quick check, I started my walk.
The sidewalk of the old neighborhood streets still bore the familiar cracks and grind marks from years of buckling and remedy. Leaves dropped by the trees still lay scattered all along the pathways and sidewalk. Korina’s house was the first house I encountered as I made my way through a gap in the fence. The yard was overgrown with tall grass and thistle. I could see the faded blue paint of the old house contrasting the green and browns of the lawn. The chain link fence that marked off the corner property was nearly invisible through the thick brush. As I continued walking west towards 110th, I started to feel something was off. The streets seemed wider than I remembered. It took me longer than I’d like to admit, but eventually I realized what was different. There were no cars.
The streets here typically had cars lined bumper to bumper in any spot available, and were visible from block to block. The absence of all these vehicles made me realize just how deserted the neighborhood really was. House after house, yard after yard, the telltale signs of desertion reinforced what I could see from the moment I passed the construction fence: This was no longer my neighborhood. There were no signs of life, and no one I could expect to find still here. Abandonment was the new normal here. I continued on, glancing at houses and recalling memories of summer bike rides, and daily walks with dogs I used to have. I remembered walks home from school, and chasing after ice cream trucks when they passed our houses. I smiled a bit as I remembered more and more of my years spent here. I don’t quite know just why I was smiling. There were plenty of bad memories here too. Fights, yelling, being beat up, being robbed. I could remember failed friendships, lost loves, and bitter feelings of failures too.
Still, I felt a certain amount of nostalgia despite the weight of these negative feelings. I almost wanted to experience everything again, although I wasn't sure why I was feeling this way. Concrete, asphalt, billboards and liquor stores were the normal vistas of everyday life. Occasionally, after a good rainstorm, the grey haze of smog would lift, and the mountains would be visible to the north. At least, they would be visible until mid-morning when the exhaust from a million cars covered them behind a veil of pollution.
It wasn’t until the first time I travelled out of the city that I realized there was more to see. Traveling up the coast north along the Pacific Coast Highway introduced me to scenes of deep blue ocean water spanning the width of my vision. Driving up Highway 3 introduced me to the permeating scent of Pine and Fir trees. The two-lane stretch of highway from Portland to Tillamook introduced me to lush green forests that I had only ever read about. When I came home to the same old dirty, dusty concrete and boiling summer asphalt, I had made up my mind. I would do everything it took to leave this place. I would not spend another day longer than was necessary living in cramped quarters and fighting for parking space.
I arrived to the house, and paused at the gate. The house sat in contrast of what the rest of the neighborhood looked like. Instead of overgrown grass and tall weeds all over the place, the landscaping showed signs of relatively recent work. The guava tree in the front lawn still had some fruit ready to be picked, and the avocado tree on the other side of the pathway was still weighed down by its own fruit. Flowers still bloomed in the raised bed in front of the house. My brother had clearly tried to keep up on things until the last possible moment. The house, too, looked better than what I expected after walking up 4 blocks and seeing nothing but dilapidated houses and unkempt yards. I opened the gate and walked up to the small porch. The metal gate that enclosed it was gone having been removed by my brother when he took over the property. It looked nice to see it open instead of the cage it once felt like.
I turned the knob on the door, but it didn't give. Ever a creature of habit, my brother had locked the door when he left. Of course, he did. I sighed and prepared to find another way in when I remembered my parents hiding a spare key. I wasn’t sure if it would still be there, but after running my hands along the back side of the gutter downspout, I was rewarded for my efforts. I unlocked the front door and stepped into the front living room, the sounds of my footsteps and the closing door echoing in the empty space. The room felt both larger and smaller than I remembered it. I suppose it was lack of furniture that made it feel larger, but it still felt smaller than I remember. The result of growing taller throughout the years I suppose. I slowly walked along the slate tile floor towards the central hallway that connected the front of the house to the back bedrooms. I wasn't entirely sure that just because the front door was locked, that there wasn't some squatter looking for a little temporary shelter within the back rooms. I carefully and silently crept step by step towards what used to be the bedroom shared by my sister and me. I stuck my head in and gave the room a cursory glance. It was empty, thankfully. I moved back into the hallway and peered into the bedroom across the hall. This is where both of my brothers had shared a room. It too, was empty save for a few boxes holding hardware and doorknobs from the closet doors of the bedroom. I walked back towards the back of the house where my parent's bedroom was. The walls in the hallway bore the dusty signs where picture once hung. The bedroom door was open. I stepped inside, and looked around. The old avocado paint that my mom had picked out years ago still adorned the walls. Walking further towards the addition that was the small room my grandma and grandpa lived in showed that there was no one here. I breathed a sigh of relief as I set my bag down and set up my tripod. I reached into my bag a pulled out an envelope of old photos. These were old snapshots that we had all taken at some point in time in the house. There were pictures of all of us sitting at the dining room table playing a game of Monopoly. There was a picture of my brother and sister sitting on a couch in the front living room. There was a picture of me hanging on the bars of the front porch. I looked through them all and held them in place in front of me as if I were holding a window to the past.
Each picture made the lump in my throat grow as I started to struggle to control my emotions. There was history here, and soon it would all be gone. This is the place where my parents had raised four kids. They had taken care of my grandparents in their twilight years here. My Aunt and my grandmother had both died in this house. Birthdays, graduation parties, and anniversaries had been celebrated here. The echoes of life had reverberated within the walls of this place. Now, the house sat silent. It would never again know happy screams of kids having a water-balloon war out in the front yard, nor would it hear the cries of anguish as the matriarch of the family passed away surrounded by her family. What once was a home full of life was now just an empty house made of drywall and paint. I sat there for a moment contemplating just how much family history was actually made here. As I thought hard about my siblings and my parents, I felt pained at the thought of our strained relationships. We had all scattered once we had the opportunity to be free of each other. My oldest brother had married and moved away as soon as possible. My sister now lived in northern California. My parents too had moved away. I was now living in Utah. Only my older brother had remained behind. The lump grew larger in my throat as tears welled up in my eyes. I held back sobs of anger and pain. Why was I hurting? Hadn’t I dealt with these issues already? I walked back to my old bedroom and sat down under the window. I pulled my head down into my knees and cried. I could hear yelling and screaming in my head. Shouting matches between siblings and parents, brothers and sister, rattled inside my brain, making the pain grow. I sat there and cried. I hadn’t cried like this in a long time. Eventually I ran out of tears and tired gasps of sorrow and regret washed over me as a blanket of drowsiness enveloped me. I leaned my head back and fell asleep.
I woke up to the sound of footsteps. It took me a moment to realize what I was hearing and hurriedly stood up. Had someone followed me? I knew the police were patrolling the area sporadically. Had they seen me enter the house? I knew there would be a possibility of getting a trespassing citation, but I figured I could either talk my way out of it seeing as to how I was a former resident, or I could probably fight the citation in court if the judge knew why I was there in the first place. Ultimately, passing through the gate had been a calculated risk that I was willing to take for the sake of my art. I got up from my corner of the room and moved towards the door. If there was someone in the house, I needed to know. I didn’t want my gear to stolen, and if there was a cop in the house, I wanted to ensure I didn’t get shot.
I was greeted by the sight of a startled chubby boy standing on the other side of the door. His round cherubic face was crowned by a head of short curly hair. His hazel green eyes stared widely back at me. He clearly didn’t expect someone to be here in the house. His body recoiled in fear as he cowered back towards the hallway. “Wait, what are you doing here?” I asked as non-threateningly as I could. The boy muttered something that I couldn’t quite make out. “What did you say? I couldn’t hear you” I replied. “Are you here to rob us?” he timidly responded. “Rob you? What are you talking about?” I asked as confusion set in. “What are you doing here?” It was his turn to be confused. “Uh…I….live here?” he replied. “What do you mean you live here? No one lives-“I stopped midsentence. I hadn’t noticed in my initial shock but the room wasn’t the same. A familiar blue couch caught the corner of my eye. In front of that was an old console TV with a partially broken antenna hanging on the wall behind it. I walked further in to the living room to notice wood paneling on the walls. A large mirror hung on the wall to my left. Familiar yellow lamps sat on round drop-leaf tables on either side of the couch. A large hutch sat in one corner, a collection of letters and bills, mail advertisements, and a phone book covered scattered over it. “What just happened?” I asked out loud to no one in particular. I was thoroughly mystified by what my eyes were seeing. I had walked into the house from the front door and had stepped into an empty white room with slate floor tiles, but somehow now found myself in a furnished room with brown carpet that was all so familiar to me, yet was nothing but a distant faded memory. I turned to look at the boy still startled by the intrusion of a strange man looking wildly around the room in total shock.
“You can take what you want, just please let me go. I don’t want problems.” He stated his voice still shrill with anxiety. I blinked a few times as I tried to process just what the heck was going on. I gathered my thoughts as best I could and tried to reassure him. “Kid, I’m not here to rob anyone. I was just-“I shook my head “Where the hell am I? Am I having a dream?” I asked myself. “I must be dreaming. I’m just tired and still sleeping. This is all a dream. Yeah, that’s it.” I needed to sit down. Being back in the old house must have overtaxed my senses, I told myself. I’d having a dream about an old memory. I walked over to the chair next to the couch and sat down. I sunk into it and rested my head back towards the wall.
The boy kept his distance, but sensed I wasn’t there to hurt him. He looked me over with anxious curiosity. He stood at the far end of the couch, examining me while he played out scenarios in his head in preparation for a quick exit. “Why are you in my house?” he asked me. “Dude, this is all just a dream I’m having. I’m not really here.” He reached over to the couch and picked up a pillow. He reared his arm and threw it at me. It landed in my lap. “I don’t know, man. You sure seem to be here.” He said to me. I opened my eyes, startled. I looked down at the pillow he tossed and examined it. I ran my hand over the fabric and felt its texture. I remember this pillow. This was the pillow I would roll under my head as I lay on the couch and watched TV as a kid. A sudden realization hit me as I looked around the room with fresh eyes. No longer was I blinded by the fog of confusion. I knew exactly where I was.
I was home.
I looked at the boy still standing at the edge of the couch. I looked him over and realized who he actually was. I stared in disbelief as I smiled and tried to put him at ease. “It’s ok Johnny. I’m not here to hurt you. No one is going to hurt you. Please, sit down” I told him. I motioned to his end of the couch. “Who are you, and why are you here?” he asked me.
“This will be hard to believe, but I’m you” I said with an incredulous tone, “I’m not sure how I ended up here, but I’m here.” He looked at me as I had grown a second head. “That doesn’t make any sense. How could you be me? Did we invent time travel? Oh! Are we secret government agents with the CIA?”
I chuckled. “Wait, wait, wait. Let’s start at the beginning. I’m you at 38 years old. You’re…what, 11… 12 years old? It makes sense. I fell asleep under the window in my- our old bedroom. I didn’t come here on purpose or in a machine. And no, I’m not a government agent.” His face contorted to display understanding, disappointment and finally suspicion. His eyes narrowed as he leaned in towards me. “How do I know you’re really me?” he asked. I thought about it for a moment. How could I prove to him that I was who I said I was? A few seconds of silence settled between us. I stroked my chin, thinking of a solution.
“I have a better idea. Ask me questions that only you know the answers to.” “Okay” he responded. He glanced around the room trying to come up with something. His eyes fixated on the Nintendo sitting under the TV cabinet. “What game do me and Nathan have a map of?” I looked over at the NES. I hadn’t thought about this for years, but I knew instantly what he was asking. “YOU don’t have anything. Nathan is the one that made the map for Section Z” His jaw dropped. He tried to trick me, but his plan failed. He knew well and good that Nathan never let him play. It was always ‘I’ll let you play when I die’ or, ‘you can play when I’m done’. The problem was that he never followed through. Usually by the time Nathan was done, the NES was overheated, and the game would no longer load until it cooled down. By that point, it was time for bed.
“How do you know that?” he asked in astonishment. “I know these things because I’m you. Just like I know that you wear t-shirts to the pool because you’re embarrassed by what others will think of your body. I know that you used to think that people that die off in movies were prisoners that were set to be executed from death row, so they used them for making movies. I know all about you because I’m you”
Johnny sat on the end of the couch in bewilderment, his mouth slightly agape. He had never told anyone any of this. He didn’t have any close friends to talk to about such things, and those friends he did have were more acquaintances than friends. There was only one way he could possibly know these things. He was talking to his future self.
I could see Johnny’s mind completely explode. There lay endless possibility and the answers to a million questions he could ask about his own future. He started to ask a question, only to stop, close his mouth, and try asking another. I knew if he kept this up he would have a stroke or something. “Dude, calm yourself. Let’s talk this out rationally, otherwise you’ll end up stroking out or something.” I told him. He took a deep breath and I could hear him muttering quietly. I knew he was trying to form a coherent sentence before he actually spoke it. I did it all the time. “Ok, first of all, are we rich?” he asked with tempered expectation. I chuckled and grinned back at him. “No, not at all. If I was rich, would I be dressed like this?” I replied as I motioned to my beat up brown Vans and worn out jeans and T-shirt. “We-, I – make enough to get by. I’m not poor, but I earn enough to pay the bills.” His face grew a smirk as he commented “Yeah, I figured. What do I do for work? I mean, what do you do for work?” I thought about it for a second. I wondered how much information I should divulge to a younger me. I still didn’t think this whole situation was really happening, but if it was, I probably should proceed with caution. “Well, it’s complicated. I do a little bit of everything. You know how you’re constantly taking things apart? Let’s just say that it’s good to put them back together in order to keep them working. Take good notes on paper if you need to, and make sure you have a clean work area so you can keep track of all the parts.” He gave me a sheepish look. He knew exactly what I was talking about. I had spent countless hours sneaking dad’s tools to my room so I could figure out how something was built and try to figure out how it worked. I had gotten myself into some pretty bad trouble with dad over a drill, his timing light, and other stuff I had taken from his room. His belt had become quite familiar with my butt cheeks.
I gave him a knowing smile. “What else do you want to know?” He thought about it for a second. “Do we have a girlfriend?” I laughed, probably a little more than I should have because his face contorted into a sour frown. “You don’t need to be a jerk about it” he scowled. I continued to chuckle. “Yeah we have a girlfriend. We have more than a girlfriend” I could tell he was irritated with my vague indirect answers. I knew what he was asking. I remember the crush I had on my neighbor across the street. We had been friends since kindergarten, and had been classmates for 1st, 2nd, and 4th grades. We got along really well, and I knew from around 12 or 13 that I wanted to be her boyfriend. Unfortunately, things never progressed beyond the ‘just friends’ stage of things. It wasn’t from lack of effort on my part. We had just grown up together most of our lives that she didn’t see me as anything more than a brother and friend. “Dude, look. You just started to go through changes and you are starting to notice girls, but that doesn’t mean that you need to love every girl that shows you a little kindness or subtle interest. You need to slow down and let things happen naturally. You can’t force a relationship with someone.” Johnny pondered these words for a moment. I sat back and put my feet up on the coffee table. I looked around the room some more while I waited for another question. There was so much I had forgotten, but being back here had unlocked more and more memories that continued to wash over me. I was trying to hold on to my cool as not all those churned up recollections were pleasant. I stood up and walked over to the front door to peer outside the small central window embedded into the center of it. I could see the old neighborhood as I remembered it all those years ago. The lot across the street that served as a parking area for those that worked at the wheel works at the end of the block was empty of cars. I furrowed my brow as I thought for a moment. An empty lot meant it was afterhours or the weekend.
The gears in my own head started turning. “Wait, where is everyone?” I asked Johnny. Johnny turned to look at me still processing my last response. “Uh..oh, Mom and dad are out of town. They took a trip east this time. I think Rio said they are in Arizona right now. Rio and Nathan went out to get some food and to rent some movies from Video Showcase. Knowing them they’ll eat out first. Talia is staying over at Tia Rosie’s place today with her friends.” I grunted at his response. My mind was wandering as he mentioned Talia and Tia Rosie.
A sudden sharp pain pieced my heart. The pain of a thousand memories now unsealed spilled out from the box I had locked them away in. Tears welled in the corners of my eyes as I turned back to look at Johnny. He felt it too. He stared at the floor with an intensity that made me think it would burst into flames at any moment. I walked back over to him and sat next to him. He didn’t move. I placed my hand on his shoulder, and he threw himself into me. I could feel the tears dripping onto me as he sobbed intensely. “Hey man, its ok. It’s going to be ok.” I said as my own tears started to flow uncontrollably. I pulled him close and draped my other arm around him.
I knew the pain he was feeling. It was such a heavy burden, and I knew there was no one he felt he could talk to. I remembered it all so vividly. We sat there for what seemed to be an eternity. When we finally stopped sobbing, and our noses ran dry, we tried to breathe our way through to calmness. I got up and knelt in front of him. “Johnny, listen to me and remember what it is that I’m about to say to you. You are stronger than you think. You are stronger than you believe. NO ONE should ever have to go through this. Just because it happened to Talia, doesn’t mean you have to put up with it any longer. I know you didn’t think it was wrong, but I’m telling you that what she is doing to you is wrong. Talking to mom and dad isn’t going to make them hate you. You are not doing this to her, she is doing it to you. I’m not making excuses for her, but she is also more damaged than anyone realizes, and she is also dealing with the same level of pain you are. Remember that we do unto others what has been done to us. That doesn’t mean we need to continue the cycle of abuse” The lump in my throat grew immense at my own statement. I swallowed it as best I could and continued “You are going to deal with this pain a little bit at a time, and you’ll slowly get over this. It’s like a broken bone. When it happens, you don’t realize how bad the pain is until the adrenaline wears off, but then the immense pain is there. Just remember that this will pass. Just like a broken bone, you will heal over time, and one day, you will realize that the pain is gone and the bone is no longer broken. You’ll remember the pain, but it won’t hurt anymore.”
Johnny sat there in stunned silence. I knew he didn’t have anyone to help him through this. He couldn’t talk to Rio or Nathan about what was going on. Mom and Dad were constantly working to keep the family fed and sheltered and while they provided materially for their kids, emotional help was less available. Perhaps it was due to their energies being divided into 4 kids, a mortgage and multiple jobs, or perhaps it was also the culture of not talking about problems. Either way, they needed to know what was happening. They wouldn’t be able to fix it otherwise. “They’re going to be mad at me” he finally said after a few moments of silence. “No they won’t be. They love us all. I know you’re not used to hearing it, but they do love you. Everything they do is because of their love for us. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Telling them isn’t going to cause them to be angry.” I thought for a moment to find a good analogy. “You love Odie and Lady, right?” He nodded in agreement. “Ok, how would you feel if you knew someone you trusted was coming to the house and beating up our dogs when we weren’t around?” He thought about it for a second before his face changed to anger. “I’d want to kill them!” “Yes, but would you also feel sad that you weren’t there to try to protect them?” I reasoned. His face changed again. He understood what I was saying. Mom and Dad would be angry, but not necessarily at him. They would also feel a great sadness knowing that someone was hurting their child.
I smiled at him. He understood. I nodded. “Dude…You’re going to come to understand that life is not what you think it will be. Life is messy and can change in an instant. The plans you make today may not make it to next week. A lifelong goal can be derailed because of something out of your control. Mom and dad have spent their life protecting us with the goal of keeping us safe, but circumstances out of their control have affected their kids, and now we- you all have to deal with the fallout. Just remember that you are not the culprit. Yes, mom and dad will be hurt and angry, but not at you. Trust them. They don’t do things to hurt us” Johnny hugged me. I- He didn’t have many people he could trust and open up to. He liked to talk a lot about everything going on in his life, no matter how trivial. Everything, except this. This was a shameful topic, and he didn’t feel like anyone would understand why he didn’t go to an adult sooner. The problem was simple. He simply didn’t understand that it was wrong. Now that he had an adult that he could talk to, himself no less, he wanted to lift this burden off his shoulders. He was happy to have found someone and he hugged me tightly. I hugged him back just at tightly. It wasn’t every day that I could meet my younger self and help to comfort them. “Thank you” he said to me.
The world darkened, and everything faded to black.
I lifted my head out of my knees and looked around. I was sitting under the window in my old bedroom again. Had I fallen asleep? I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked the time. I was emotionally drained and incredibly tired. I hadn’t had sleep like that in years. I got to my feet and looked around the room briefly before walking out to mom and dad’s old room. I grabbed my camera and slowly walked the house, snapping picture after picture. The only sound to be heard was the sound of the camera shutter and my soft footsteps. I thought about my dream as I took pictures.
Upon entering my room, a random memory hit me.
The stash.
I was pretty sure I had taken the hidden box when I moved out all those years ago, but since I was here, I should double check. Heading into the closet, I pushed the panel that led to the attic space out of the way and peered in. I couldn’t see anything, so I reached up there to feel around. The box was indeed gone. I felt around for a few more seconds and was surprised to feel what felt like a thick envelope. I didn’t remember leaving anything up there, but after pulling it down and giving it a cursory glance, I figured it was an old envelope of lost love letters. It wasn’t until I blew off the thick layer of dust that I realized what I was holding. It was a letter. Not just any letter. It was addressed to me.
Under the now semi-cleared layer of dust were the words “To be opened by future me”. I looked at it for a few moments before opening it. I couldn’t remember making this at all, much less storing it up in my secret hiding spot. If ever I hid something, it was in the stash box. My hands shook a bit as I started to open the envelope and pulled out the yellowed pages inside. I started reading.
"Dear Future John. I have spent the last few years remembering a dream I had when I was younger. Life was…difficult at that time, and I spent a lot of time escaping my reality by reading a lot of books and watching a lot of TV. On the off-chance that what I think is a dream really happened. I wanted to write some things down in an effort to give you my thanks. I merely consider myself a conveyer of thanks, although I will pile on my own thanks to you for your words of encouragement. I remember finding a stranger in the house one day while I was home alone. I was afraid he was there to hurt me at first, but after a few moments, I came to realize I was meeting myself. Well, I was meeting me, but from the future. I think he said he was in his 40’s, but I couldn’t tell you with any certainty. Either way, we talked. We talked about life, and what the future held in store for us…
Mostly though, we talked about the abuse. Well, Talked is being generous. We cried, and then we talked. I don’t remember exactly what he told me, but I remember how he made me feel. He made me feel safe. I felt like I could trust him. Trust myself. In the end, he gave me the courage to stand up for myself both at home and at school. He also gave me the courage to talk to mom and dad about what was going on between me and Talia. I do remember being afraid that I would be punished, but he reassured me that they wouldn’t, and that they loved me.
It was a difficult and awkward conversation, but in the end, arrangements were made for me to share a room with Rio and Nathan. I didn’t have much of a relationship with Talia for a long while, but after some years, we managed to patch things up. She apologized to me, and I came to understand the abuse she herself was subjected to by so-called family friends. She didn’t tell me this in an effort to excuse it, but to merely help give me closure to a difficult time from my own childhood. Mom and dad promised to be more attentive to us and we sort of established what I guess you would call an open door policy. We talk more about stuff that’s happening in our lives. Mom is much easier to talk to now. Dad is a little more patient with us too. I apologized to them for not coming to them sooner, and dad gave me a “nugget of wisdom” that I think I’ll live by: We can’t fix what we don’t know is broken. I’ve tried to make sure I talk to them when something is wrong, and I’ve tried to implement that in my life so I don’t have problems with other people.
I’m trying to grow up to be a good guy. I want to have good relationships with people. Nathan says I’m turning into a people pleaser, but I don’t necessarily see that as a terrible thing. I know when to say no to someone. Well, either way, I wanted to make sure I thank you for the help you gave us. I probably won’t remember writing this, but I hope I do find it again someday. Here’s hoping I turn into the man I feel you are. -John Age 16."
I stared at the letter, the words blurring as tears welled up in my eyes. I quickly brushed them away as I quietly spoke to no one in particular. “Thanks guys. I hope I live up to your expectations” I folded the letter, placed it in my pocket, and walked out of the room. After picking up my backpack and tripod, I silently walked towards the front door, my footsteps echoing in the empty house. I turned to look back at the empty living room one last time, and after a moment, I walked out.

Student background: I have a student whose name I will change to Devon for privacy purposes. He is in third grade. Repeated 2nd. He has broken every rule in the book: Be Safe, Be Kind, Be Respectful, and Be Responsible. He is physically aggressive, verbally aggressive, elopes class multiple times daily, is often disrespectful, and is very disruptive. He has used every insult you can think of and it doesn’t matter if you’re a kindergartner or adult. He has said horrible things to almost everyone, steals from other students and then aggressively smashes their things for fun, has held freshly sharpened pencils to other students’ necks and asked them if they want to die, laughs mockingly at others, doesn’t listen to authority (in fact shows defiance and refusal if you tell him anything), doesn’t do any work, the list goes on and on and on. And issues happen ALL. DAY. EVERY. DAY. Not a day goes by without incident. Collectively as a school, the specialists teachers, admin, and I have documented as much as we could and it could very well be as thick as a Harry Potter book. Every teacher and staff member at my school sympathizes and agrees that he is super challenging, and they tell me even the most veteran teachers would struggle with him.
Now, for my background: I haven’t yet received an official diagnosis for PMDD but I have received one for bipolar (which I don’t think I have but it seems that there are many other women who have been misdiagnosed with bipolar in this community prior to their PMDD diagnosis) and was one criteria away from an official ADHD diagnosis.
I also tend to show extreme hormonal sensitivity every time I start a new pack of birth control every month and show a lot of irritability and anger and other mood swings and all of that happens again like clockwork before my period. I get…ragey. It almost cost my relationship with my boyfriend of seven years multiple times in the past. I’m better at managing my emotions with my partner and family but not at work… Teachers, you know how stressful this job is. We have to wear every hat and smile through all the disrespect and overwork and little pay. But we love kids and value education and that’s why we do this.
Anyway, I learned from Devon’s dad yesterday that his mom left the family when Devon was 3 years old. He is the youngest child in the family. His dad in our meeting yesterday also said that he believes his son is constantly seeking attention (in the most negative ways) to fill in this void and that’s why he acts out. The mom has had a strong presence in the older siblings lives and barely any in Devon’s life.
So, the story is… I have showed restraint and professionalism and bit my tongue since the third month of school and we have 6 actual school days left now. I almost got fired for lashing out at Devon once before. But I’ve ignored most of his behavior since the third month of school and let admin take care of it. Also note that I’m not coming back next year since my admin didn’t renew my teaching contract for not having good classroom management. End is near, not coming back anyway, my most well-behaved kids are acting unruly, had a medical emergency and a loss in the past month, and I’ve HAD IT with Devon’s nonsense. We just started eating breakfast this morning. School just began. And already, Devon and his bff Bruno are picking a fight with one of my most well-behaved students who I’ll call Sam. Devon’s laughing and egging my well-behaved student Sam to fight Bruno. Then my well-behaved student who is clearly done with Devon’s nonsense gets mad and gets in Devon’s face, ready to fight. Devon says to get out of his face and I’m OVER IT. I’m thinking, “WHY DOES THIS KID CAUSE PROBLEMS EVERY DAY?! SCHOOL JUST STARTED!” I walked past him and was someone else. I just started UNLEASHING upon him everything I’ve been holding back. He’s disrespectful, he’s mean, he causes problems every day, and I ended it with “and that’s why your mom left you when you were three.”
…………Not my finest moment.
I felt horrible after and thought, “Holy moly WHAT DID I DO…? How did I let myself say something like that?”
I apologized three times to him. He looked really sad. Whole third grade staff and third grade students and admin knows. Again they sympathize but tell me it still wasn’t cool. My boyfriend, same thing. Said he sympathizes and said I was probably better off just calling him dumb and ugly.
A colleague told me since my contract isn’t getting renewed that I should take a break from teaching for the sake of my mental health. But I don’t know what other careers to pursue that aren’t going to require tuition from a university again. I have a bachelor’s in psychology, an initial teaching license, and am struggling financially as it is. I need to make at least $50k a year pre-tax to keep up with my bills.
Yikes. Thoughts? Advice?
Edit: fixed typos and fixed fake names, whoops!

I've been quite sold on suffering focused ethics in the last year though I think the intuition has always been present in some form. Currently, I'm building my knowledge and will be earning to give until I figure out what is best. One thing that would be super helpful is to hear is what those with the same ethical view are doing or thinking. If a few of you could share your journey and the concrete considerations you have had to make, I will be super grateful! Even just a 5 sentence summary of your approach is helpful for consideration.
Please see below to for some questions that come to mind for me. No need to answer all if you don't have the time or aren't comfortable answering, but if you can offer advice on answering some of them and share your experiences, that would be really informative.
Questions I'm considering (not all are practical but I'm just spilling a bunch of thoughts I have)
1) Do you earn to give or directly work in some way? How did you make the decision?
2) If you do direct work, how much would you have to be able to donate annually in order to switch to earn to give? At what point does money start to exceed the value of direct work for you? How would you advise someone else in this consideration?
3) If you earn to give, what are the specific causes you give to and what percentage of donations go to each cause? What is your rationale for this breakout?
4) How valuable are existential risks/catastrophic outcomes for reducing suffering? Are these effective for those focused on suffering to work on or are S Risks better? On one hand, a stable human civilization seems necessary for ever reducing suffering (especially wild animal suffering) but extinction as an outcome eliminates a lot of problems too.
5) Have you tested personal fit in certain suffering related roles? What roles did you do this for and how did you go about doing it?
6) I rationally am convinced by arguments about S Risks and X Risks based on the information I have read. However, since I am no expert and I notice a huge portion of society (including very smart people and well meaning institutions) don't seem to prioritize these, I wonder if I am not getting the whole picture. Why is thinking about these issues so rare despite their huge comparative importance?
7) Is it even worthwhile to try to promote suffering focused ethics in a local manner to friends and such? I feel like my peers just don't seem to care that much for some reason, and I'm really confused at how thoughts that have completely changed my life don't seem to make a difference in others. Is altruism a fixed genetic trait
8) How do you do compare suffering intensity in one mind versus many instances of lesser suffering across many minds? Is it even feasible for minor injuries across many minds to equate severe suffering in one mind? For example, the suffering of a paper cut across minds is experientially felt once no matter how many minds experience the cut because each mind does not share in any other mind's experience. It is bad that multiple minds experience paper cuts from a third person universal point of view, but in the first person experience, pain exists once. I don't want to go as far as to say 2 minds experiencing paper cuts is the same as 1, but I also don't want to equate 2 paper cuts across 2 separate minds with 2 paper cuts that occur in the same mind. Going both ways leaves me with some repugnant conclusions, but perhaps it doesn't matter practically since a lot of severe suffering also exists in vast numbers (except for perhaps the most horrible instances of sadistic crime). Anyways, hopefully, this question makes sense. I think the proper term for this is value lexicality.

Hey all, I came across this subreddit when searching for similar cases to mine and wanted to help and share my experiences.

First occurrence or reoccurence?

My problem first started when I saw a clot of blood come out when peeing 2 weeks ago. I went into a state of shock where I nearly fainted. After breathing deeply for 10 mins, my head slowly stopped turning and I thought back to when something similar happened about 3 years ago when I masturbated and afterwards my pee was faint red. Evoking a similar horrified reaction, what I did back then was no masturbation for 6 days and a semi-constant array of ice packs on my groin and testicles. A complete lack of libido was prevalent throughout this. The ice packs and lack of libido seemed to have quickly resolved that case and no further episode of bleeding was seen.
What seemed to cause it back then was over-masturbation as I was not doing any other vigorous activity.
No one seems to touch on this in all the posts and comments I've read but if you are constantly feeling horny and you are constantly masturbating then this is not good. In my case, I remembered masturbating 8 times a day. I developed a varicocele and one of the veins leading to the testicle is now huge and causes discomfort when I don't masturbate for too long (it swells). I think that it's not just masturbation but the constant and over-production of sperm in the seminal vesicles caused by too high testosterone and sugar consumption causes inflammation of the seminal vesicles and prostate which leads to a rupturing of a blood vessel in both or either.
My assumption is that if you've had hematospermia happen before, then it is more likely to happen again.

Clots = healing?

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago after noticing that clot of blood, I instantly ceased all masturbation activities again. However I was still extremely horny. As touched on above, this would be my undoing as I was feeling so horny that I tried masturbating again 4 days later. To my absolute horror, the whole ejaculate was red (about 2 tablespoons). Let's just say, it wasn't a bloody good time at all 😶‍🌫️. After examining my ejaculate, I saw that it was fresh blood and some white bits inside. I went to empty my bladder and I was horrified yet again - the whole thing was dark red. To top it off a random clot came out. Went to pee twice more and still fully red and a few more clots came out. The third time it was clear.
I learnt that due to the clots, my body was healing something and this gave me reassurance. They were uncomfortable to pass through my urethra but nothing major.
I booked a doctor's appointment ASAP. Men are so much less likely to seek medical help but in this case, I didn't want it to be anything nasty, so I called my doctor straight in the morning and they booked me in that very same afternoon. Although awkward, I recommend any person reading this to book in with a healthcare professional, they give you reassurance and I know it's awkward but you have to do it just to rule out anything super concerning. I took a urine sample in and although it was a female doctor in attendance, she understood a lot about what was happening and just to rule out an infection, gave me a few tablets to take. She told me to continue masturbating infrequently as there was no pain, just to see if symptoms were decreasing. Female doctors are on average way more understanding and sympathetic and I certainly felt reassured.
I stopped doing any form of exercise and focused on healing.

Take 2

I stopped masturbating for 4 more days and with the above reassurance, I tried again. I was terrified to do it thinking I'd die. Thankfully no pain again but my nut was all still red but hold on, it was less red than before? Or was I seeing things?
Went to pee again and it was red. Two more times I peed red and on the 3rd time a clot came out and the pee went crystal clear. It seemed as though the clots were causing a lot of blood? I went to bed that day thinking I was never going to get better. For anyone reading this, I want you to know that your body loves you more than anything in the world, it will literally fight to see you survive and heal you in wondrous ways even though you might abuse it. Give your body a hug.
By this point, I was feeling extremely deflated and lacked a libido. Like I would not even get hard in the mornings or at anything. I was a nervous wreck to be honest thinking I would not have children ever again. Honestly I thought I had cancer. I was listening to sad songs on repeat and I certianly wasn't my happy self.

Take 3

3 days later I tried again and there was no blood!! Success 😀!! No blood in my pee too. Something seemed to be getting fixed!

Take 4

The next day, I was beginning feel my old self come back. I rode my bike, I went to the gym and had a hot shower to celebrate. Then I decided I would try again at 2am. As I will touch on later, all of those combined led to my downfall and I shot out a small fingernail's worth of blood at the end of my not-so-happy ending. Went to pee and it was all red. 3 clots came out in short succession. The next time I went to pee it was all clear.

Take 5 - time to get serious

After the last try, I knew something was getting better and that gave me reassurance. It also enabled me to understand that just like how you brush your teeth too hard your gums will get inflamed and start to bleed, in the same sense that if you keep masturbating an obviously inflamed reproductive system, you will get bleeding.
I stopped thinking about sex for 6 days, I would pinch myself hard if I ever thought of it. I put ice packs on my balls and above the penis area. I did a few stretching exercises. I drank chamomile tea daily. I drank water. I wore shorts rather than fleeced joggers. I went to sleep for a full 8 hours rather than 6. I drank blueberry and orange juice.
By the 5th day I wasn't feeling horny but my varicole behind my left testicle was swelling and the area above my penis on the left side was feeling very inflamed. My body was telling me to get rid of all the stored gunk. I drank chamomile tea and it calmed that area down and I soon fell asleep.
On the 6th day, I knew I couldn't keep it all in there and so I tried again and to my relief the ejaculate was normal looking. Pee was clear too. Success 😄!!!

Self diagnosis

If I were to self diagnose, the whole thing was caused by my intense gym session which led to me being very aroused which led to me overmasturbating in a hot room which led to something getting inflamed and start bleeding a lot. I think I burst a blood vessel in one of my sperm vesicle as no blood would come out without masturbating first. The presence of clots indicate that I ruptured quite a bit of stuff in there, oh dear. The whole ordeal lasted 2 weeks but from now on I will take better care of myself.

Possible remedies

If you don't want to read the above, here's things that worked for me:

• Seek professional medical advice at once. You're bleeding in a place that should not be bleeding. Get it checked now before it's too late.
• STOP thinking about sex. I found that my case was exacerbated by horniness. If you keep this to a minimum, your body will stop making demands from your inflamed reproductive system thereby reducing inflammation.
• It follows on from the above that you should STOP masturbating and having sex. I kept it at once every 4 days but I think I should have left atleast a 5 day gap between sessions as the first 2 days were my body still feeling aroused.
• Reduce physical activity. Do not do anything highly taxing.
• Chamomile tea has significant natural anti-inflammatory properties that will reduce overall inflammation. Drink daily. (find a high quality batch mind you).
• The doctor did not recommend doing this as she thought it had no effect but you can try it: Ice your groin area including your testicles.
• Drink water.
• Get more sleep to heal faster. 8 hours.
• Wear breezy shorts if you're in hot climate.
• Reduce sugar intake. Not sure if this had any effect.
• Drink blueberry and orange juice. Not sure if this had any effect.
• Most importantly is please don't be afraid. I had no idea if I'd be leaking mounds of blood when I came and that fear made me sit for hours in bed with worry. From what I've read most cases are nothing to worry about.

Hi there, I'm a woman and I'm in my 30s and I am struggling with social connection.
I was diagnosed with adhd last year and have been medicated. But I discovered that my social skills have not improved at all.
Looking back I realize this isn't some new thing.
Some of my worse memories include never successfully integrating with my past boyfriend's families: for example when I was in my teens and was at my bfs social gathering - there came a time when I couldn't stand being in the event. I went out to get air and was berated by his step mum and called "spoiled".
There's been several of these incidents all in the same line. I've been married and now divorced. I've been told over and over again that I just "don't care about anyone"
Okay -- so personal life connections wasnt great but, and I could live with that. But now my life is alot more complicated and this social deficiency is showing up at work. I just don't know how to navigate anything!!! And I feel like I'm a liar. I hate to say this and it sounds so self centered, but I'm perceived as "put together" and I'm aware that I'm perceived "attractive". And when you have an invisible disability it seems people calculate their sympathy or compassion based on how much you look like you're suffering?
I dont want more compassion or sympathy just the normal amount.
If someone has the time, or can relate please DM me. I'm thinking about exploring autism but I feel quite hopeless.

Can anyone tell me what the problem is with my radiator fan when I start my truck up the fan blows for maybe 5 minutes and the air is ice cold when coming out of the ac but after a few minutes the fan quits spinning and it feels like my heater is on , I’ve changed fuses, relays and finally the coolant temperature sensor and it’s still doing the same thing.