Found this sub and it exactly matches my need right now. I made a throwaway account to talk to people about my recent realization. I need as many perspectives as I can from people who either are narcissists, have been with people like that or are currently in a relationship of this kind.
Brief general context:

• I've been in a relationship with my SO for about 1.2 years.
• It got really rough at the halfway point once we started living together and being around each other for extended periods of time. We don't live together right now.
• This isn't the first relationship for either of us. We're in our early 30s. I have 0 experience with personality disorders.
• The SO often talks about feeling suicidal.
• Grew up with a father that abused their mother and then became absent.
• The mother is likely severely mentally ill based on the stories I've heard. Extremely paranoid.
• Comes from a culture that doesn't care about mental health. SO openly mocks therapy, dismisses trauma, looks down on people who talk about theirs or go to therapy.
• Did not finish high school due because of stubbornness and unwillingness to submit and thereby 'compromise' their principles.

When I initially encountered weird behaviors, reactions, traits, I chalked them up to personality quirks, a different type of person from what I'm used to, and other benign things like that. I was also completely distracted by the novelty of the new romantic connection. Rose tinted glasses.
The behaviors and signs:
Then, gradually, these things started popping up more and more, causing massively escalating arguments and fights that made me start questioning my sanity, the way I see the world, the way I know myself, and have often left me a broken mess on the floor and in tears:

1. SO believes that they're an extraordinary person that's on another level in terms of morality, taste, intellect, the ability to read people and know them better than they know themselves, the ability to manipulate people and play them, the ability to detach and coldly view things, the ability to figure things out without anyone's help (this means knowing what's the best course of action, what is the truth about the world, about science, about feelings, about health, etc).
   
2. Stemming from what I described in the first point, my SO loves 'deconstructing' people. Casting doubt on any view, opinion, perspective and feeling they might have since my SO believes that they know better, know the truth, know what's between the lines. When this happens during an argument or a misunderstanding or any case where I try to explain myself, you can imagine how hopeless it feels to try to make any point when the SO instantly dismisses and deflates anything you might say. They are the arbiter of truth, always. They can never misunderstand, get something wrong, overreact, be in the wrong. Sometimes the SO might briefly admit it, but then either retract the apology or admission, or effectively behave as if it never happened. Gaslighting and denying things is very common. Will often accuse me of being the gaslighter when I try to stand up for myself or when I try to take ownership of knowing what I intend, mean or want and refuse to let them tell me about my own internal truths (I've been accused of being toxic, abusive, unstable, having my own issues, etc. Before this person, I've never heard even a hint from anyone - parents, family, past partners - that there might be something wrong with me. I'm boring and from what the people in my life say, very normative).
   
3. The SO respects no authority except in some cases when it comes from close family members (and even then it's very rare). This means extreme distrust in doctors, any authorities in any field, casual dismissal of the law and pride in doing things illegally. This also means frequent reluctance to take medicine unless it's suggested by a trusted family member.
   
4. The SO has a grandiose self image that connects to their distaste and distrust of authorities, as well as their refusal to participate in society (rarely leaving home, not having a credit card or a job, refusing to even apply for unemployment checks). They act as if they're too good to live life this way and therefore refuse to engage with it. They resort to getting money illegally, or having their parents paying for them and taking care of their every need or by manipulating people into giving them money or paying for things. Abruptly left the only read job they had and claim they'd rather kill themselves rather than get another 9-5 job. Reminisced about feeling seen when some coworker told them they're better than the current office job they had back then. Also has the most erratic and unstable sleeping schedule I've ever seen.
   
5. Becomes extremely defensive when they perceive that their character or their beliefs are under attack, terminating any discussion or argument. Stonewalling. Extremely quick to resort to personal attacks, insults when they feel their argument or point of view isn't being accepted, or is being challenged. Ultimately they dismiss whatever opposition they had or have as irrelevant and below their level. Will only break out of this stance if they see that their opposition completely collapsed and they feel pity or awkward at how brutal the effects of their behavior is.
   
6. Can suddenly shut down and become extremely hostile over differences of taste - becoming extremely arrogant, condescending and cruel to the point of openly questioning how their partner can be this low, this unrefined and casting everything good into doubt. This can happen over something as minor as liking a movie they disliked, or saying that you're able to enjoy some anime (the correct answer to avoid a fight is to say that all anime is horrible and you can never enjoy it). They can go on long rants where they basically tear you down as a person and belittle your intelligence, your capacity to understand things or art on their level, etc. Will absolutely refuse to acknowledge that there might be merits to things they don't like or approve of. For example, my SO has no academic education, and shows an almost visceral hatred for anything academic - dismissing it all as useless, stupid, a waste of time.
   
7. Blatantly struggles with employing empathy or thinking with an empathic perspective. Will allow themselves to do and say things without even trying to imagine what it would feel like had it been done to them. Often openly mocks the idea that they should feel bad or guilt over them insulting or hurting someone. Has a general difficulty with apologizing or admitting wrong. Our relationship is very skewed because they allow themselves behaviors they would never tolerate from me.
   
8. Typically in an argument they will find a way to put all the blame on me. Even if they started something, they will end up blaming how I'm reacting and focusing the problem on my reaction or how I'm dealing with their wrongdoing, rather than first and foremost dealing with what they did wrong. Example: blaming me for being difficult after they revealed that they've been sending some online stranger pictures for money. Mocking me for being hurt by that, for not seeing the bigger picture of how it's all very intellectual and basically insinuating that I'm beneath their level for not getting it and getting hurt by it. Briefly apologized afterwards before bitterly stating multiple times "I was so stupid, why did I even tell you?".
   

So, what do you think? What am I dealing with? Is there any hope? Do you recognize any of these examples?

My ferritin is 37 my b12 is 330 my folate is 11 and my vitamin d is 30. My hemoglobin is normal so my doctors think it’s all anxiety related which it’s not.
My symptoms are low appetite, non existent libido, feeling anxious and depressed 24/7, insomnia can’t workout.
I’m a lil overwhelmed with all the cofactors talk. It’s been really hard to eat with my low appetite I’ve been trying to eat a lot of nut butters and red meat along with OJ and vegetables.
The past three weeks I was taking heme iron from three arrows and it honestly seemed like I was improving a bit but three days ago I collapsed again with weird calf muscles and crazy anxiety and feeling like I could through up? Could this be iron toxicity? Or could it just be I wasn’t taking b12 ?
I’m really confused exhausted and defeated. Doctors don’t help.
I am waiting for the blood builder by mega foods bc I’ve read good results with that.

Basically the title. Tore my right medial meniscus two years ago and got it repaired in July 2023 (almost a year out). Recovery has been slow and steady, ended up tearing medial meniscus in left knee while recovering from right surgery and got partial menisectomy in February. I know that recovery times the doctors give are usually unrealistic and that each person heals at different rates, I feel like the double surgery on both knees has made the recovery slower for both,
Followed all my PT protocol for both surgeries and am starting a field technician job that will occasionally involve hiking in steep terrain. My supervisor knows about my knee problems and that I'll be taking it slow when out in the field.
Can't help but feel anxious any time either of my knees flare up with pain, sometimes I feel like the reinjury anxiety is worse than the actual pain. Any advice for this, as well as hiking tips? I have knee braces provided by my doctor and trekking poles, but want to make sure I don't over do it.

Hello fellow BPD family. To start, I’m sorry we all have to suffer with this illness, and for those in remission, thank you for being strong for yourself and others.
Short back story - im 20. adopted off the street as a baby after developing as a fetus on the streets. Didn’t meet real mom till 18. Lived with her for a year and it was fucked. Raised by an extremely strict, restrictive, evangelical family. Showed symptoms of BPD in third grade. Response was to homeschool me. No doctors. Acted out as expected and was told I’m demon possessed blah blah blah. Then turn out to be gay. Get reprimanded by them and the church I was part of which was the only social part of my life I had. Boom, as expected, fell straight into bad habits and into the deep of BPD. Weed and nicotine everyday for 4 years and counting (started at 17, about to be 21). Benzos whenever I can find them. Utter hopelessness and loss of self. Crippling stress and anxiety. I wake up and my heart rate shoots to 130bpm the minute I open my eyes. You all know and understand this aspect and the rest of these symptoms, the glorious BPD/PTSD combo. Add in my poor development in the womb and here we are.
So, again as expected, the physical health has started going down. GI issues have ramped up, I’ve had a swollen lymph node in my neck for 2 years and it’s getting worse by the day, I’m getting another bump in my neck, I feel chronically sick everyday… and I’m only 20. Sure, I can try therapy, but one, the church I was forced into it and unfortunately believed it as an innocent child evolved around manipulating emotions to believe in the church and god. It felt like therapy in a sense, but an extreme kind. I was innocent, believed it all, and was manipulated to the max. Two, I’ve only been to two therapists. One my parents got me who I was seeing for my “anger issues” and “homosexuality” though the anger was untreated BPD. I was probably 16. Second was 18 and she cried on the first visit after hearing my story. It didn’t turn me off her. It turned me off of life. I didn’t realize how bad I was doing till seeing a response like that from an emotionally regulated professional. So with that said I don’t think therapy is possible for me.
So, how much longer do I really have before I fall deep into illness? I already have the high rate BS and GI issues that are ramping up.
Not trying to throw a pity party, and I actually find myself gas lighting myself a lot saying why should I be so upset, so many people have it so much worse. I find it to be somewhat helpful, but it just makes me run farther and farther from the trauma and pain.
Thank you for coming to my TedTalk family.

I want to get diagnosed-where do I start?
I’ve been exhausted for as long as I can remember. It’s been slowly getting worse as I get older. I used to be able to push through but now it is so hard to get out of bed in the morning. I ache down to my bones and will fall asleep the instant I try to relax because I’m so tired alllll the time. I want to figure out what is causing all this so I can try to manage it better, but I’m not sure where to start. What doctor do I see first? How can I ask for tests to be done without being charged extra for requesting them instead of only paying my copay if they were prescribed? Do I bring a list of symptoms or will I be told I have anxiety if I do that? Any advice helps 🙂

hi! i’ve posted in a few other subreddits about this, but this one seems like it’d be the most help. i quit smoking weed and vaping 4 weeks ago and besides crippling anxiety, i have chronic dizziness that will NOT go away. ive tried everything. dramamine, anti anxiety meds (dont even bring up hydroxyzine, i flushed that shit down the toilet), vitamins and electrolytes, drinking water and eating and it wont go away. i had a doctors appointment a few days ago and he said its “just anxiety”. im 19F and they dont seem to take me seriously. i wonder if its an inner ear thing, as i feel i have to “pop” my ears often, but theres no pain. i despise any antihistamines and i refuse dramamine or anything like it. its not a motion sickness or vertigo, either. its a dizziness/lightheadedness that makes it so i cannot function day to day. i’ve been in bed for 4 weeks because of it. does anyone know what it could be and what could help????? im mortified.

Generally I’ve been a sexually active person.After a bad breakup though I was so heartbroken,I couldn’t stop thinking about her and I started visiting escorts.As a cope mechanism.I know it’s bad and all and I now completely regret it.In the past 1.5 years I’ve been with about 15 escorts.Always protected vaginal sex but free oral receive or give with 10 of them.I feel so dirty now.I’m 23 and good looking I don’t know wtf happened to me.Last month I had a swollen tonsil and a bit of sore throat.No swollen lymph nodes or fever.A doctor examined me and found no swollen lymph nodes..I also saw a rash on my neck which was irittaded by sweat.When I didn’t workout and I cleaned the area vigorously it basically went away almost immediately.The health anxiety was the worst though.I took some antibiotics for another infection after which I developed a yeast infection on my penis(balanitis)After 5-6 days I’m completely fine and the balanitis has gotten 90% better.The symptoms are driving me crazy.I have not had sex for about a month and I don’t wish to do it again with an escort.They are a fucking addiction.I feel disgusted with myself.What are the chances of me contracting the hiv virus from oral sex?Reading about hiv drives me crazy.Thank you for reading this.

I was severely bullied and laughed at cause of my social anxiety disorder for 10 years by both my family and school mates People will talking behind my back saying I am mentally ill,has something in my head,dumb and idiot Even people who didn’t know me said that cause they just heard of my mental disorder from their friends and just assumed I have something in my head I am a very sociable dude despite my social anxiety disorder but sometimes I couldn’t even speak because of my anxiety specially when I have to answer a question my professor in college asked.When it’s my turn I just go to the bathroom so he can skip my turn and ask someone else When I am with my friends most of the time I don’t show my real character (which is really funny and outgoing) cause I am afraid that I will be perceived as mentally ill or mentally uncapable like some did in my school days I’ve been with a psychiatrist for 2 months now His CBT didn’t work till now He gave me sertaline 50 mg which I’ve taken for 6 days now What should I dooooo ??

Hi,
I posted recently with a question about a Medrol pack for an uptick in symptoms of chronic migraine. (Thanks to everyone who helped me!) I have now finished the pack, but still having migraine pain nearly every day. The Medrol helped for the first few days but pain came back as I tapered down.
My neurologist has prescribed a CGRP inhibitor--Emgality--as an add on to my Botox. I have the Emgality in the fridge, but I am really anxious about the idea of taking it. Honestly I am not sure if I can get myself to do it.
It seems like so little is known about the long term effects of this drug class. CGRP seems to have a wide range of functions beyond its role in migraine pain. Do you think it's reasonable to worry about the long term risks of blocking it--risks to the cardiovascular system, for example?
Here is an example of an article I found that seemed to raise reasonable concerns (to my layperson mind). It's long, but a quick peek will give you the gist. https://www.medcentral.com/neurology/migraine/stake-possible-long-term-side-effects-cgrp-antagonists
I am also somewhat concerned about the side effects I see mentioned on patient forums--but I can understand that the people who've had bad experiences are the ones who post. It's the longer term risks that concern me more. I also realize it's annoying for doctors when patients google too much, and I apologize if this is annoying. It's just that injecting yourself with a new drug seems like a big deal! (And I am also an anxiety patient.) Also, to be clear, I do usually trust my neurologist--just somehow very freaked out by these injectables.
I would really appreciate any thoughts. Thank you.
38f, chronic migraine, anxiety, ADHD. Taking Botox for chronic migraine, rizatriptan, zofran, Tizanidine for acute attack of CM, Concerta and Ritalin for ADHD, BuSpar and propranolol for anxiety.

Hi, all! I've been a quiet watchereader of the community for a while, but I need some outside perspective on a situation of my own.
I'm sorry for the long text. I tried to summarize two years as best as I could.
I (then 24, now 27F) was having a really rough period. I was falling deeper into then still undiagnosed depression. I was married to my ex of nearly 10 years. He is a great man, caring and loving, always took care of me, but we had been together since I was 16 and I just grew apart from him.
For a month, I had a lover. One of the reason for the separation was sexual dissatisfaction and that lover provided that. It was the excitement I'd been missing. I did try talking to my ex about being dissatisfied many times, but things never really got better. At first, it was just sexting with the lover. Then we met up. SA was included. I cut contact and told my then-husband about it and profusely apologised. I understand the hurt that I caused. Mentally, I fell lower, but this is the lowest actions I've ever taken and I deeply regret not having stopped myself. What is done is done. I just hope he belives my apology and regret.
I offered couple's therapy to try to fix our relationship. Despite the love having dissipated, I still care a great deal about him and I tried my very best to fix what we had. Went to quite a few sessons until in one of the them it clicked for me that as great as he is, I want to be alone for now. We separated amicably in June and finalized the divorce in September, shortly after our 2nd wedding anniversary. Around the time of the separation, I also met with mental health professionals and got on meds and started working on myself to get better.
My current partner (B for babe, 35M) and I met at a Discord group. started out as friends. In addition to other topics, I talked about my own mental health and the doubts I'm having in my marriage, he was struggling with mental health as well and he thought he was in love with his best friend ( I think she's about my age, F. Let's call her Haunter) and he wasn't sure how to proceed.
Turns out B and I liked being around each other. We were together before I was officially divorced. I told him about the lover, the SA, everything, and vice versa.
At first, I was quite jealous of the best friend. I was broken, insecure, "maybe I'm just a second option since the best friend thing didn't work out"... My depression hole was nasty, but B stuck through it and was a great support. He explained that it's been a while since his last relationship and his loneliness was just seeking out some comfort, and reassured me many times that Haunter is really more like a little sister to him. I trust him, I trust his words. He has never given me reason to doubt it. Men and women can be just friends and them being friends is not a problem for me.
(Happy to say that I'm mostly recovered now. I have worse days, as does everybody, but I have a much better support network and tools for myself to build myself a ladder from the small depression holes I fall into.)
The Discord group B and I met at is quite large, but we our more active members are quite tight-knit friend group and the lover was also a part of it. In a moderation group, where select few are, lover's creepy behaviour with female community memebrs was discussed. I shared my SA story with only a few. When that shitstorm was rolling, apparently Haunter was also reading because Babe and Haunter happened to be hanging out at that time. So, she was aware that I had a lover while still married and I shortly after that jumped into a relationship with B, her best friend.
B and Haunter met during COVID lockdown and were each other's mental supports. Both of them struggled and they bonded through that.
During our first summer, I saw that B was in quite a heated messaging with Haunter. He said it was about me. I asked permission to read their conversation. He said yes, so I did. TLDR Haunter was bitching about me, what a s*** I am and that B should be careful around people like me etc etc. B got mad at her, shut her down and they didn't talk for a while. Although it was a bit funny at the time, it did hurt me and haunts me still. There was another shit-talking session about me, but I can't recall what exactly was said then.
In a sense, I undestand her attacks against me - I was rather unstable during that period and I, too, would be worried if my friend got into a relationship with someone like that. But I don't think this excuses her words one bit.
On two occasions, early in our situationship, Haunter hanged out at his place and stayed over. I was very uncomfortable about hearing about it the next morning both times. After the second time, I expressed it. He apologised and assured it would never happen again. Haunter got really dramatic and said she now feels like a home-wrecker because I didn't like her staying over.
We've had many cry sessions and talks our insecurities or any worry or small hurts. B is always very reasonable, listents to me, explains things if needed, compromises, promises to be better. I feel understood, supported and loved.
.... unless the cry sessions are about Haunter. Then, instead of understanding, he starts fiercly protecting her. While I've always tried to communicate my hurt at her words, he always explains it away as her anxiety, depression, childhood trauma, repeating her mother's toxic communicative methods etc etc and that' she's actually a very sweet person.
I do understand her somewhat, because my mother hasn't been an angel to grow up with either, but I expect better from adults. Especially after having clawed through major depression myself (my doctor said she hadn't seen anyone with such a high depression score when I first took the test). I don't think it's ever OK to lash out your anger at somebody else.
I started bottling emotions, not talking about Haunter or the hurt that was still inside me. I knew that whenever I brought it up, he would protect her and I would leave feeling even more shit. Unfortunately, I can't hide my emotions very well and he is very attentive to when I start acting differently. He asks, I talk honestly and openly.
B and I talked many times about the three of us sitting down. Later about just Haunter and I, because B and I agreed that perhaps Haunter and I could use B too much as a crutch. The goal was to chat, get to know each other better, to get some bad air out and get on a better footing. I genuinely want to have a positive feeling about Haunter instead of the hurt and dislike I have now. Haunter is B's one of two close friends. I have a circle of around 10 people I can rant to about anything. I don't want to cut him off from his friends. He deserves his as I do mine. But I expect to be treated with respect by his friends.
At one point I decided to write Haunter a message. I politely asked to maybe meet up and her to let me know when she would be OK with it and I want to have a better relationship with her. Her response? Does B know I wrote to her? Why didn't I ask B to set a meeting with her? She doesn't do friends with her friend's partners and was alltogether very confrontational while I was trying to be sweet and accomodating. No, I didn't tell B about writing her because we had just had another teary-eyed discussion about it all. Of course, Haunter texted B right away and B and I had another fight about this. His reason for being upset with me? Haunter isn't in a good headspace and he knows better how to approach her and I just made everything so much worse.
In one or another cry session, I expressed a desire for a direct apology from her. She had apologised to him about what she said about me, but I feel like since those words were directed towards me, I deserve it more. He agreed and said he'd talk to her about it. As far as I know, she should know that I read that conversation and those nasty worth directed at me.
The cry sessions happen every few months when I'm done waiting for him to take action and bring the topic back up. In one of them, I finally managed to get through to him the hurt I feel when he "explains away" her behaviour, never saying it was wrong or that I have the right to feel hurt. That he is always on her side (also a topic we've fought about, because he doesn't think he is. He says he's trying to explain and make me understand her), that I'm hurt about him not taking action etc. Every time I feel understood and heard and hopeful after a cry session, but then nothing changes. He did say that time that I have every right to feel hurt and that her behaviour was wrong and he was mad at her, too.
One time, Haunter asked me (through B) about my experience with certain anti-depressants because she was starting her journey. Honestly, it hurt me. She has the audacity to spew absolute shit towards me, never apologises or tries to remedy the situation, is constantly hostile towards me and then asks for help??? I helped, because I try my best not to be petty.
From his side I know that he cut contact with Haunter for quite a long while to make me more comfortable. I've never asked for this. I've never frobade him from talking to her (even though I would very much like if she just disappared from our lives), they've met up afterwards as well, just the two of them. I've always hoped he'd talk about me wanting a resolution, but nothing so far. One of the reasons this has been going on for so long is because B and H don't talk on a regular basis and meet up maybe one or two times a year and he insists on "apologise to OP" being a face-to-face talk because of her mental health. And apparently Haunter has asked if I still didn't like her more than once.
I have major anxiety any time I see them texting and it has gotten worse over time. I go from cheery to holding back an anxiety attack in a second when I see her name on his screen. The situation is not resolved for me. Every time they hang out, I have hours-long anxiety attacks at home where I ball my eyes out.
The last cry session was on the day he was supposed to hang out with her, but it got cancelled. It was my work day and my anxiety had been ramping up the whole day. I had a "cry alone at home and don't ever tell him" planned. I still cried, but since he was at home, we talked about the same things we always talk about. I want an apology, every cry session I think about leaving, I'd rather leave than ask him to drop a friend, him not doing anything hurts ... He promised he'd take up the topic when they meet. And I've been waiting since .... yet another time. I've lost count a long time ago.
(side rant: I'm a bit dumbfounded, because he's trying to keep both his love and his friend. He has said that should I leave, he would cut off Haunter as well, because he couldn't be friends with the person who caused his breakup... but he can't do anything actively to keep it from happening???)
Over the two years, I've set some boundaries. I don't want him telling her anything about me. She is not welcome in our home.
Occasionally, I ask how Haunter's doing. Partly to build up some positive connections with her name, partly to show positive interest and respect in his friends, and partly to sneakily maybe remind him to work on what he has promised.
I just.. don't know how to proceed.
Should I wait and trust that he will talk to Haunter about it? Should I bring it up again and risk another cry-session/fight?
I assume that some of you are going to recommend a break-up. I don't think I'm just there yet. Other than being fiercly protetive of his friend, to a degree where I feel like Haunter's mental health is of more value to him to mine, he is a great man. He is here for me 100% emotionally, mentally, physically.. except when it comes to Haunter.

So I'm 21 and my whole teen years I spent clinging onto the idea that when I come out I might loose all or most of my family. It's both because of multiple instances of insinuations about admitting me to a mental hostpital if I refer to myself with correct pronouns (I'm russian and here we can't really speak most of the language gender neutral when referring to oneself or actions in the past tense), trying to interrogate me about who I hung out with and even literally aggressively asking me if I "wanted to be a boy".
Overall, my coming out at 18 went not as bad as I expected but that's only because I expected them to immediately attempt to admit me lmao. What ended up happening is getting a talk about how they will not accept this and being sent to a psychiatrist (who actually gave me a hormone referral bc back then it was still a thing we could do here) and then dragging me around between therapists trying to find one who would tell them how to fix me.
After about 4 months they just went back to normal. Pretending like nothing is happening and I am the daughter they want me to be.
I waited 2 years between uni and jobs trying to hold out hope that they would come around but alas, nothing. So past November I finally started hormones on my own (in secret bc it's now illegal, but I do see a queer friendly doctor for bloodwork regularly). They flipped out again, screaming, crying, arguing all the stuff. Mom even told me how I was hurting her with this??? While dad tried to convince me I'd get cancer. (FYI They are divorced but co-parented since i was 6)
And just a few days ago I have been genuinely blessed by a known surgeon in the community agreeing to take a small batch of patients for top surgery (also illegal here) to wich me and my trans friend jumped on the opportunity. We took out a loan together and are now doing prep work. I decided to tell my parents beforehand, mostly because I was worried that if I told them after the fact, they'd get so enraged, they'd try and find my doctor and send the cops after him.
I got all the same bullshit of screaming, crying, accusing me of being just a rebellious child, stealing money from my dad (I have a job, I make good money for Moscow and hadn't gotten any pocket money (used to be a thing bc dad is rich) or loaned from them since February). Overall not only did I get the screaming and emotional rollercoaster, my mom decided that she will be coming to Russia (she is currently living with my brother in Georgia, he left bc of the draft, she left bc she was bored with an adult kid in her flat) and trying to convince me otherwise. Which lead me to telling her that she either stays put or I am moving out immediately and she will not see my ass in that flat. (I have been living on my own in her flat for about 1.5 years now because it's a good place in the centre)
Now we are again pretending that everything is just as good as it was and closing our eyes on everything. I just left my dad's bc I was helping our cat's groomer and he acted all chill and fun like usual.
I feel like I need to add that my transness is definitely not their one issue. It's also me being fat (take after my dad, health is good, I check every year), coloring my hair and having it short (I literally have a hairdresser diploma), dressing masculine, not wanting to drive a car (we have amazing public transport, not needed at all), getting tattoos (all my siblings have tats and even mom does), having an anxiety disorder (they think its fake) etc. etc.
I just don't know if at some point I just got so used to this cycle or if I can even call it abuse, when I get screamed at, belittled, called stupid and irrational and vindictive for just wanting to make my own choices about my body and life? But it hurts every time when we go back to normal and my brain immediately jumps at this idea that everything is actually okay, everything is fine, they totally love and care.
I don't know what to do. Please give some outsider opinions.

This has been the HARDEST year of my life.
This year has been such a difficult year for me. First I want to make it known I have BPD which makes my emotions severally more intense. Possible Trigger warning before reading on..
Back on December 20th I lost my mother, to cancepneumonia/severe fungal infection in lungs. It was so hard on me for many reasons. I live in Texas, when she has been up in Northern Illinois past three years with her sistemy aunt taking care of my grandma who was diagnosed with dementia. Well, my brother called me on December 8th or 9th while I was just getting into work and informed me that I need to get up there ASAP, he is booking a flight for me... I broke down. I let work know what was going on. I went right up the next day. Well I was informed since I was the Medical POA I had to be there. My work was not happy with this. Due to my mothers condition we didn't know what was going to happen at that time. A week passed after being by my mothers side seeing her decline bad. It haunts me still on all I seen. Well work had me call, it was a 3 way call with HR, and my boss. This was on 15th at that time. They said "I need to be back before that Friday, or I will have to be let go. (Please note I have not yet been there a year so was unable to fall under FMLA) They did inform me, I could still have a job when I get back however my position will not be available (which means it will be a lower position with worse pay.) I told them I will let them know. Well I can just hear my mom saying "Don't risk your job, never do this no matter what." I had a great paying job. I get my mom wants me to have that security. Well, at this time my mom was not all mentally there.
Sorry I will get back to that response A.D.D skipping somewhere first. Which added to my stress at this time and heart ache. We were told by Hospice caseworker my mom was going to die, next day doctor said no she has a fighting chance, next day noo she is going to die. It went back and forth with that for few more days, where we were finally told she is going to pass.
Okay so back to where I was at. My mom was having a good day it was now the 17th or so. That morning my brother and I sat and spoke with my mom. We asked her if she wanted to try and fight this or if she was ready. She decided(I am grateful because that would have landed on me) she is so tired of fight, she fought cancer, gave a kidney, been battling depression for years and last few years she was already wanting to give up on life.) She was making her peace with god. It was a tearful moment. We all made her aware we would be okay. Well I had to ask her, even though I knew the answer, if I should risk my job and stay there? She said do risk your job. Told me how much she loved me, and she knows I belong down in Texas and if I lose this job how will I be able to survive?.. So I let work know I will be at work by Friday. My aunt and I both had to return to Texas for medical or work reasons. So we said our good byes to my mother on Wed 20th at 11 A.M. Both so heart broken. I got on plane, it took off at 1:06 PM or so. I have a time stamp of a video looking over the clouds at 1:36 PM... Had a layover in New Orleans, had a text from my brother saying to call him... I knew.... He told me, he was on his way up to see her. However she passed away at 1:36PM. Before he could arrive.... my mom died alone.... It kills me to this day, I wasn't there. I have so much built up resentments towards my job...
Well fast forward to day before mothers day. Again on my way to work, my Aunt wanted me to call her... Called her, she told me She was down in Texas with Grandma visiting her great grandbabies and grandson. Well She had a massive stroke that morning... My heart dropped. I called into work, again telling them all that is going on. My grandma at this point was on life support, she was a vegetable. On May 26th she passed. I felt my world has fallen apart. I lost my mother who raised me, and my grandmother who had also raised me when my mom was in school. I felt myself spiral. I now feel beyond lost. We had a double service June 1st it was beautiful. Work would only allow me 3 day bereavement, took flight back to Illinois. Again so mad and upset with my place of work. Showing no care for their employees.
So I found out the other day, my Grandma and mom had made it to where I won't have to financially worry about life anymore. I have security and a nest egg as you can put it. I been seeing my horoscope past few months saying how Geminis year to financial security and yadda yadda yadda will happen.... I just never would have thought it to happen this way...
I am grieving so bad, crying always waves hitting me. I was getting better with these waves after couple months when my mom passed. However losing my grandma reopen those wounds... Well now I been in debate on saying screw my job, moving back north which I HATED living there. A lot bad memories and PTSD happen there. However, now I just want to be close to my dad. Besides my brother he is all I have left. I know I don't have a lot of time with him, he is an active meth user, and alcoholic, and has MS. I have seen him die in front of me 5 or 7 times since I was 13 I am 35 now. All I want to do now though is have him close, spend those last moments with him. He has stepped up a lot and acting like a dad now, never really did before he would act more like a friend. ...
However I have my life here, I have a partner I been with for 2 years, who I love dearly. I have house, animals, a life pretty much here in Texas.... I just keep battling on if I would be doing the right thing, and quitting my job, leaving this life behind including my partner because they have a kid they can't just up and move. or Just try and visit more? However I know my job will make that nearly impossible... atm everything leans towards quitting this job, looking for another before of course but I don't know my impulsive side wants to just tell them all to kick rocks.
Thank you for letting me vent. I just feel so lost, and alone.

Preface:
Getting scores in a high percentile like these is uncommon and should differ from what you expect of yourself. I was surprised at the score I got, and glad I got it, but I would've been happy for less, and so will Dental schools!
Also, I want to mention how I felt about resources and what worked for me, but that is coming from someone with a learning style that is likely different from yours; only take my advice if it works for you! You know you best, so I encourage you to study in a way that works. On the other hand, if anything I did sounds promising, definitely use it! A big part of learning how to succeed on the DAT is understanding how you learn. Gotta know yourself before you can conquer this beast.
I hope this helps!
Scores:
PAT - 23 QR - 19 RC - 25 Bio - 30 GC - 24 OC - 25 TS - 26 AA - 25
Background: I am currently a senior with a 3.7~ GPA. I am also a first-generation student, and my unconventional educational background basically equated to no real education before college.
Materials Used (in order of helpfulness):

1. DAT Booster - A wonderful resource for exam preparation. While I didn't have the opportunity to try other resources, I have heard a lot about them, and it sounded like DAT Booster does a better job at focusing on the most critical/high-yield topics, especially in the sciences. I didn't feel like I was doing too many practice problems while still feeling like I was getting enough practice. In other words, I never felt like I was "grinding my gears" when studying and practicing the three sciences tested. While the DAT booster presented a more challenging version of PAT than I experienced on the DAT, it also does an excellent job of preparing you because of that challenge. Stay encouraged if it always feels hard; you may do better than you think on PAT. Reading comprehension practice tests were a great tool to practice under timed conditions. I recommend taking as many full-length tests as possible, which helped me the most. Finally, the QR materials from DAT Booster gave me more of an issue than anything else because of my background; I often felt left behind, confused, or like I wouldn't understand the material. I had to go to external resources like Khan Academy or chat GPT to get my questions answered. That being said, I hear the DAT Booster team is working on improving it, and the QR practice tests are a fantastic representation of the actual test. I got a lower score than my Booster scores predicted on QR, so the scoring may be a poor measure, but the tests themselves felt very accurate to the exam.
2. Quizlet - When it came to reviewing material or, in some cases, learning it - Quizlet was my best friend. I studied as much as I could in a "learning" format for the critical memorized details of the sciences through watching videos, reading bio-notes, and taking notes on what I learned to retain information. Still, I never felt like I'd have enough time to get all the most critical information down before my test date, and that's where Quizlet saved me. I studied new units of DAT Booster's quizlet decks almost every night before bed. I also habitually pulled up Quizlet instead of social media whenever I could. I found that as I would go through the flashcards until I swiped right on each one, confident I knew the answer, I retained that information much better. After getting the same flashcard wrong multiple times in a row, remembering the right answer became much more critical. If you can do all the booster quilts with >80% accuracy (assuming you understand the topics, not just the card's phrasing/answer), I believe you will reach your goal DAT score in at least biology.

Study Timeline: When I started studying, I had three months before my test date. I set a goal to study for at least three hours each day alongside my lab and course load, and I got overwhelmed. At least for me, it wasn't until I changed my goal to an "amount" goal instead of a "time" goal that I started making progress.
I did not get time to study until about a month and a half before my test date; before that, I had only gotten about a week's worth of studying over my semester. I followed Booster's 10-week study schedule rigorously, but because I was behind, I tried to study 2 days of material daily. I ended up having to skip over the material I felt good about during the learning phase to get enough time to study the topics, which I felt more shaky on. That being said, I never skipped a practice test date. I prioritized getting a test in, and if I ever felt overwhelmed, I would do it section by section instead of full-length (although full-length tests are essential).
After I got into the practice/review phase, I noticed the days in the study guide had much less structure than the days in the learning phase, so instead of following the schedule, I spent my days going over topics I felt I wanted to improve based on how I felt during my practice tests. I got to this phase about three and a half weeks before my test date and ended up doing a practice test almost every other day, sometimes separating them when I felt studying would be more productive than testing again (usually when I thought I knew what area I had to improve, and I didn't feel like I made enough progress for a practice test to be practical; I already knew where I needed to focus my study).
The most important thing I did during this time was review the practice tests, seeking to understand not only the correct answers to every question (including what I got right) but also why the wrong answers were wrong and what would have made them true. Since the DAT uses multiple choice - and those choices are almost always real terms or definitions/options - you can learn a lot when reviewing them. This is less relevant for mathematics questions, but conceptual questions always benefit from this.
I also took day-long breaks. For religious reasons, I never studied for one day of the week. Whatever the reason, though, making a standard during this time to not study for some time during the week, almost an unbreakable self-rule, creates a space in your hectic studying to be not allowed to think about or study for the test. With this time, you can truly relax and recuperate. Your brain needs rest, too!
Day of Exam

• Bio (30): I was surprised how many questions were similar to practice tests or were mentioned as high-yield topics. I felt confident about most of my answers, but I always used the process of elimination to ensure I was being as accurate as possible.
• GC (24): I was glad I didn't neglect simple topics in favor of complex ones. There were questions on here that getting right only required a second of review, but without it, I would've missed them. Make sure you feel good about the topics that feel easy! If you get easy questions wrong and only hard ones right, you'll do poorly on the test.
• OC (25): Memorized reactions/conditions, aromaticity, NMR, IR, stereochemistry, and specific experimental reactions were tested. Again, I feel I got the most points by knowing the general reagents and conditions for most reactions, not by memorizing each exception to the rule. Get points on the easier things to memorize if you feel you can't get it all.
• PAT (23): Honestly, having fun here was helpful. It is a stressful section, but it can feel more manageable when you start seeing houses, ducks, hole-punching patterns, etc. I found that the keyhole, TFE, and folding questions were easier than a booster, while the angle ranking and hole-punching were about the same. Cube counting almost felt more difficult, but I marked the difficult ones and came back. The biggest thing here is not to lose points on more straightforward questions by getting caught up on hard ones.
• RC (25): Unlike Booster's representation, the questions on my RC test were more vague and or inferred knowledge and less directly pulled from the passage's wording. My strategy was to speed through the passages and mark only words that were names, dates, numbers, things in "quotes", and any new or odd terminology. I would also mark things that seemed to portray the tone or the author's opinion. I think setting a strict guideline for marking helped me move faster. The marking tool worked slightly less smoothly than Booster, so I used the tutorial to practice single-word/paragraph marking with speed.
• QR (19): This whole section is a trick question; getting caught on difficult questions is a trap. Despite booster predicting a higher score (20-22), I didn't do as well here, but I feel the rule of guessing, marking, and skipping is still valid. I would also mention that you'll often be tempted to double-check an answer, but if you got something that matches exactly, I would just review the logic used to reach the conclusion and then move on. Most questions were word problems; getting proficient at converting into algebraic format is crucial.

What I Think Helped the Most:
If I could distill everything I learned from this experience, it would be

1. Don't worry if you're having a bad day. I had a lot of practice test days where I felt awful; somewhere, I was almost throwing up because of my anxiety, but I still was able to perform better than I anticipated. This knowledge helped reduce anxiety on test day - I knew I did okay even at my worst, so I felt it'd be okay.
2. Focus on high-yield topics: Pay attention to what is often repeated, quizzed, or shows up on practice tests. THESE TOPICS MATTER AND WILL SHOW UP! I remember usually thinking, "But what if studying this is a waste of time because it won't show up?" while that is true when you're low on time; if it's a high-yield topic, do not overlook it. Please ensure you understand those topics and can do them well; these are where easy points can be made, and crucial points can be lost.
3. Have a support group: I didn't mention it above, but without my family and friends being there, checking on my progress, helping lighten the burden of my daily tasks, and being there to listen during stressful times, I would've done terribly on this test. Even if it's the lovely pre-dents on social media, connect with people and get support.
4. Keep studying. Even when it feels like you have it all down or maybe that you'll never be able to learn it all (like how I felt), never stop giving your best, whatever that is, to study and practice. Don't expect the same level of effort or performance from yourself every day, and make sure to take breaks before you break, but also just keep putting in an effort. You can do this!

Hello, I have two cats. I adopted the second cat at the beginning of Feb 2022. We had a lot of issues with him in the beginning bc he had ring worm and actual worms. But once those issues were solved, everything was perfectly fine. Then at the end of 2022, we moved to a new state and for the first two months, still no issues. But I went on vacation for a week and left my cats with a cat sitter. When I came back, my apartment REEKED of cat pee and I noticed one of my cats had peed outside of the box. I determined it was my younger cat and he continued to pee outside of the box until I switched his litter to a clay litter and kept that thing SPOTLESS.
From Jan 2023 to Nov 2023, we had multiple recurrences but towards the end he seemed to do well. Then we moved into a new apartment and I purchased a litter robot to help make sure that his box was always scooped. He did extremely well for three months, then did it again. We’ve only had a couple more episodes until recently.
The last three days, he has ONLY gone pee outside of the box. I have deep cleaned the whole litter robot, the entire litter area, I put cat litter attractant inside of the box. I’ve taken him to the vet in the past and nothing has been wrong. They temporarily put him on anxiety meds then he just goes back.
I don’t have enough room in my apartment for a second litter box, that’s why I spent the money to buy a litter robot. I also can’t change his litter because that seems to amplify the problem. He’s using a clay litter. My apartment smells like pee all the time, I am so tired of having to clean up cat piss. I am spending so much f-ing money trying to make this cat happy. I am honestly at a breaking point to where I need to rehome him.
A non exhaustive list of things I’ve tried:

• Multiple vet appointments, UTI infection testing, blood work, anxiety medication
• Stainless steel litter box
• Deep cleaning the litter box once per week, scooping 2-3 x’s per day
• Cat litter attractant
• Litter robot- deep cleaning the LR, using cat litter attractant, using an enzyme cleaner on LR and areas he owes outside of the box

It should be noted that the litter robot is tucked away in a corner but still open enough to not trap doors. There is no loudness around it. My oldest cat also stays tf away from my younger cat (he hangs out in my closet high up where he can’t get him) so privacy isn’t an issue. My second cat is extremely clean and always covers his poops. Please help idk what to do.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
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Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
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The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
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The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
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Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
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Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

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Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

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Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
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2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
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3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
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4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
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5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
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6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.
Previous Posts:
1. You Didn't Waste Your Life — You Can Always Make a Comeback
2. Healing Heartbreak — How to Move On from Breakups
3. How to Get Motivated & Disciplined — Why Forcing Yourself to “Just Do It” Ironically Doesn’t Work
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something.” This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void.
Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. phone, social media, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. So consider talking to your friends about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
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3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
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5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
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Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
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[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
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Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
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The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
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The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
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Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
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Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

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Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

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Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
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2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
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3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
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4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
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5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
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6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
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7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
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8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
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You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
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Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
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