Stories that make you cry

First things first…I am not planning on harming myself, but I struggle a lot with so much emotional constipation from dark and negative thoughts sometimes the only way I can get them out is by listening to songs that seem to describe exactly how I’m feeling so I feel a little less insane. Mostly looking for rock/alt-rock and maybe some indie. Anything like these songs specifically:
Waiting for the end - Linkin Park
Drinking Lightning - AWOLNATION
Sylvia - The Antlers
The best of times - Sage Francis
These are the best I can think of that seem to fit that general vibe of having so many emotions that you just shut down or give up. Hopefully it’s enough to make sense. Placing heavy emphasis on similarity to Waiting for the end by Linkin Park. Again, doing fine, but sometimes just need some music that puts my feelings into words so I can cry all the built up emotions out

My family sold our business last year cause we had a great offer and it was a get out while you can (future market seems bleak - depended on insurance reimbursement for 70% of revenue). I (son) was the only external sales rep in charge of all the accounts. Generated $4M / year. Long story short. He was dead set on changing the name. Day 1 he changes the name. Day 1 he cuts my commission. Day 1 he takes away gas allowance. I now make considerably less. He never has told me he appreciates me (the other employees tell me he tells them all the time). Has never asked for my opinion or thoughts. I’ve worked my tail off trying to “calm the waters” and inform people of the acquisition and keep our accounts. He has slowly been seeing/calling my accounts without telling me. Zero communication. He never reaches out. I have to reach out to him for anything. Half the time he replies with that lame “do not disturb” notification. He never gives me updates, anything internally. He has given me zero marketing merch. But I also ran the social media(s), he asked for that on day 1 too… HOWEVER, I still have overall ownership of the Facebook page and it has thousands of followers (thanks to me). He has tried to remove me several times. He just sends a request to remove myself, I deny it. Hes never texted me or anything to tell me or ask me, he’s pretty lame. I’m honestly so bitter I want to delete the page, and say FU and resign. Thoughts?? It’s obvious he wants me out right??? This will be the ultimate middle finger cause he LOOOOVVES trying to do influencer videos on social media.

Think of all that has happened…
Think of How many apes have died along the way. Those guys who knew what we all know but just didn’t make it to the end because hedgies dragged it on…
Think about how many times we’ve read news stories and been told to forget about GME. How insulting it is that they think we’re dumb enough to even consider their opinion, especially with DD in front of our eyes.
Think about your life the last few years. How much easier it would have been had the initial squeeze played out… you know if they allowed the markets to be fair and didn’t take away the buy button and totally manipulate the game.
Think about all the people who thought you were a fool for holding. Family. Friends. Your wife’s boyfriend. The reality is, you weren’t wrong… just early.
This whole time hedgies thought they could control us by their made up rules and blatant manipulation. You know, cause we’re “dumb money”.
But guess what? We didn’t sell. We held. Our lives continued without the rewards of a squeeze. We slowly realized we didn’t need the money we invested. In fact, we invested more.. we saved, we adapted. We supported the company we love.
The last three years have only made us stronger. The peaks, the valleys, it doesn’t matter anymore. We seek something more than the insulting gains they think we will be distracted by.
They thought time would help their positions, but it only made it worse for them.
I hold for my family. I hold for my fellow ape. I hold for myself. I hold for… you. I hold because what they’ve done is unforgivable.
💎 🖐️ 🚀 🌕
P.S. Kenny, fuck you, pay me.

I just received a 2nd Sonos amp today and, after making sure that all of my existing speakers were updated beforehand, I attempted to add it (along with another Play 1) to my system.
At first, I performed a hard reset on both. Second, it called for installing the latest software on both which it did just fine. Then it was acting like it was adding both to my existing system but it wouldn’t register them (gave me an error) so they weren’t functional or recognized.
So, I went upstairs and unplugged my Sonos Boost (and router since it was right next to it). Then plugged both back in. I deleted the new Sonos app from my phone and then reinstalled it. Upon opening the newly downloaded app it asked me to sign into my Sonos account/system with email and password. I was then able to add both and register the new amp and the Play 1 to my system and both are functioning perfectly. I was also able to add the Play 1 as a stereo pair to another existing Play 1.
Moral of the story: If you are having speaker set up / connectivity issues, try doing hard resets, allow your speakers to download the updates prior to attempting to add them AND kill the internet via your router and boost (if you have one).
GOOD LUCK OUT THERE!!!

Insert abysses emoji here:
I’ve spent
My entire life
speaking to
people who
weren't even there
A hole in my head
or whomever
went there
Matter fought
Torn, turned
strewn
With spirit
interwoven
yet from one
comes two

Of course
blood speaks
claws and
crowns unique
My oh my
what big teeth
Just you wait
you’re in
for a treat

Past
Forgotten
Memories
Became
Future
Fantasies
All not seen
Is history
kingdom
come
To speak
and glean
all figured
round about
and above
it’s just so
Here we are
all evolved
with nowhere
to go

You think
I am
therefore
you think
You be
you seem
awake
torn the
screen
Unseen
but heard
in turn
baffling words
don’t know when
or where’s now
who cares
what how
It seems it’s
always been
this way
as long as
I’m here
to stay,
I have to
Then ask
is somebody,
anybody
present?

Not particularly
slouched perception
of reality
given, gone
to gravity
that
no one can
uphold
But come and go
no matter what
the story told
doesn’t change
the puppet show
nothing here
to heat or hold
Yet you can
almost see
the seams
the strings
like pixels
on the
bloody
screen

Broadcasting
noisy days
of whores and wars
Profits tend the
flocks and herds
who always
Beg for more
Fuck me!
Fuck you?
They say that too
on repeat now
and forever,
Past unhearing ears,
beyond imprints
of cosmic fear,
what would anyone
in a few short years
care to even
remember?

Anything at all?
The grass was green,
the buildings tall
Wake up
Wake up
Paved dreams
as far as the eye
can wonder

Who were they?
Why were they like that?
Who am I?

Fossils
Fragments
Embodying
our god
Lost in layers
Forgot the cause
A spider man
noble and true,
he saved me
and he can save you
and all the
good people
of NYC
They say
he sailed
with the winds
like insects
on the breeze
just as
winter
come to freeze
over the rest
of the children

Sleight of hand
with twisted knuckle
Gaslit tin cans
young minds buckle
break, snap
icy crack
And chuckle
broken, choking
suns
and daughters
content forfeit
muses slaughtered
nuked and smeared
imagination
ripped from all
New Years
Inched
to edge
afoot, all fears
Manufactured
through the
tears
Mankind
by the neck
Not a
Question
Aion’s shadow
suffer & strife
they say now
they got it right
Or at least they will
come next time

Veritable
redundancy
from past
to eternity
Deeper asleep
the more
we scream
A dreadful
sort of destiny
Paradise
milk and pharmacies
As far as the mind
can pretend
it’s free
Manifest
inevitability
the blood will
spill and flow
like no one’s
seen or known
The future
a vision
to behold

Hands up
inheritance
thumbing down
the reptile bends
evolving into
primate friends
forever
and ever
our means
our end
No good
or gods
can survive
our timely
squander
pain to tend
minds to wander
the death
of minutes
this death
of ours
gone to all
a man
and
more

R.I.P.
The past
exempt
from memory
Kept alive
on drip I.V.
myth is cheap
delusion free
For all this
future rotten
branching tree
Endless carbon
larceny
vestigial minds
to break and take
but gone
is our
handy tale

Of which
We swap and curse
And spit, switch
This fever pitch
changes with
the season
Gone insane
chasing reason
off the
cliff of
Nothingness
Secrets macabre
to confess
vivisection of
eustress
And husk remains
to explain itself away

But the other
side of awake
a supposed
reflection of sapience
to those existing
in the mirror
might recompense
Some imagination
of infinity
Banged out theories
of cosmic Singularities
Against abyss
to which
a self confess
is who or what
contrast to nothingness?
More names and numbers
any sane animal
obviously and
actually knows
(and of course, and you’re the stupid one)

Or it goes,

From no thing
came some thing
Of course we
clearly see
visions in a skull
simply called
reality
Exist for a spot
then you don’t
Some will it fierce
Some can’t or won’t
From two comes one
and one comes too
eye to eye
See through
and threw
Measured in
staggering
metrics

After all,
nothing else here
subscribes
or can pronounce
“Pound of flesh”
ounce for ounce
Surely a jest
No
just count
It out

Zero
Me
You
Too?
One
Done
None
other
animal
can derive
the sum
or divide
the whole of those
whom try to see
or make believe
with simian
ingenuity
The trees here
bare of leaves
shit smeared
where we
sleep and breathe
painted paws
grasping
starry sky
projection screen
Real to what,
or whom?
Or just you
And me?
our
shadows unseen
below so above
sights obscene
An I for an I
a me for a me
Buried in “truth”
in all that we do
there is no you
the lights are off
the flesh is rued
None are home
all are dead
Psychology of an
empty head
A story
once true
is false
and false
now true
On it goes
cuz from one
comes two

Which is
not to say
we’re not sentient
Just what’s lost
is sentiment
And as humor
Goes to shit
the joke is
that’s what
splits it all
right in two

for unity
is a crime
to confess
we love hate
our hates
the best
Unconditionally
full of shit
means never
ever
a moment’s
rest
from
her, him
them,
me and
you
smash
together
one into one
from two
No need to think
it’s just what
animals do
pretending
to live
outside
the zoo
someone forgive
who says what and
what says whom
Now gone
to earth
such
time
as great man
never
returns
spiting
smiting
desperate
reveries
of ghostly
sorts of
certainty
gone now
but heard
and herd
as echo
through
the ages

Fictitious
fragments
of a real
phenomenon
seeing god’s
guts burst out
across the
milky way
-the views!

Splendor
Grandeur
Impressions
Unknown
You hope
You see
Your will
You won’t
How do you feel
illusion it’s called
But the pain
the fear
is oh so real
You can see it
in the loudness
of an animal's
eyes
They don’t lie
only crucify
their gods
pinned
in the sky
But prey
deserves
it’s lot,
Or so
the
story's
told

A dream
beyond dreams
that requires
no questions
No point needed
We heed
no lessons
Life never
needs logic
Or a reason
The story
writes itself
with the seasons
a tale told by
its idiot self
sound and fury
on a dusty shelf

Flies in eyes
Pain on sunny days,
Happiness is madness
Have it your way

Ring, ring
beep, boop
Dropped call
closed down mall
People laughing
before and after
our universe
torn asunder
Right is left
and up
is not over
down is not
the same as under
Mutant from mud
on ground and wall
This ape stands up
and speaks tales tall
no place lower
left to "fall"
Into red roses
and bruises blue,
I think I know me and
I know I know you
Because obviously
from one comes two
THE END

I’m a fucking wreck today.
I distracted myself as much as possible, as I’m usually amazing at doing. My schedule is jam-packed, which I will usually complain about to seem somewhat normal. “Ugh, I have so much to do this week…” as if I didn’t plan every single thing.
It’s harder to feel down when you’re always on the go. When you look good, when you stay in the gym, when you surround yourself with friends and family, when you work your ass off… at least that’s what I’ve always told myself. That’s what works for me.
Usually works. About once a month or so, my feelings catch up. It doesn’t matter where I’m at or what I’m doing – they’ll catch up. Suddenly I’m overwhelmed and I cry. Female rage consumes me and I scream in the car. I’ll try to push through when I get where I need to be – sometimes it’s work, sometimes it’s running errands. Today it was the gym. But my energy leaves me high and dry.
My bright aura is no longer with me and I’m numb. My eyes that were once filled with tears are now narrow. I cut my day short and I get back into my car because when my energy leaves me, I listen to my body and my soul. I need a minute to sulk. My drive home that is normally a full-blown concert is now silence, and it’s never been louder.
I run a hot shower when I get home in which I sit down and cry. I bury my head into my knees and I hug my legs until I feel ashamed because I live a privileged life. I dry off and before I put on any clothes, I go to the kitchen and pour a glass of red wine. Priorities. Just one glass, I say.
I cook myself a nice dinner. Nothing cures sadness like self care, wine, and a good TikTok binge, right? Tonight it was loaded baked potato soup – and it was incredible. The wine was also incredible. So incredible that one glass turned into two.
I layed out on the couch and laughed my ass off at TikToks. Temporarily, I was happy. Then I got a text from someone I really don’t even talk to – “I know what you’re going through. I’m here if you need anything.” Suddenly I’m overwhelmed again – I’m grateful and I’m sad. Grateful because I am lucky enough to always have people in my corner, but sad because somehow I still always feel alone. I think it’s an immediate response because no matter how many times people have said that, I always go through it alone.
My mom is never there, my friends are never there, my dad is never there. I feel like since I was eighteen years old, the only person that has ever truly looked out for me is me. The only being that has ever been there for me since then is my dog. So my immediate response is, I’m alone in this.
Granted, I love my parents and my family and my friends. They’re there in the good times, and they make the good times so much better. Most don’t know about these times, except for my mom. I’ll call my mom occasionally, only to be disappointed that it never makes me feel better. Worse actually. It’s never her fault, we just don’t connect like that. We never have for as long as I can remember. I always make the mistake of thinking that one day, we can get on that level. My delusion often results in disappointment.
One glass turns into a hefty three and suddenly I’m writing. Writing has always been an outlet for me, and I feel better now. I feel numb again. My feelings have left me high and dry as I type and I drink. Tomorrow I’ll wake up early, put on a pretty ass outfit, do my makeup, and act like this never happened. I’ll make my matcha and romanticize the fuck out of my life.
I make it seem like I’m doing great, like my life is perfect. But once a month, I remember that I am 26 years old and I’m alone. No matter how much I travel, no matter how much I spend, no matter how good I look, there’s this overwhelming feeling that consumes me at least once a month. I cry so hard I fall to my knees, I laugh maniacally, I drink myself to sleep, and then I wake up in the morning like everything is okay. Because it is. It’s just a monthly wreck.

I am talking to him again :/ he’s been reaching out via text and I always feel horrible when I think about not responding even though I have every right/reason to just fucking ignore him. I did have him blocked from January up until like April and we were completely no contact but I started thinking about the fact that he probably tried to reach out during then and felt ignored by me/sad and I felt really bad so I unblocked.
I honestly have lost any hope that I’ll ever get out of this “relationship” considering I’ve let him back into my life / gone back to him at least 5 times now and he has done absolutely atrocious things to me I feel like there’ll never be a last straw for me which is what scares me the most. I always feel like in the moment whatever it is he did is the last straw and then months go by and it still bothers me but I am able to ignore it kind of and go back to him or let him back in.
I also have gotten into this really unfortunate mindset recently that majority of men are not good people / cheaters / etc (which I am very aware is a result of what I’ve been through plus childhood stuff probably too and is definitely a bad mindset to have) but I do think this way and have basically been telling myself well why even try with others if you’re going to get cheated on and abused no matter who you’re with. I am pretty sure this might also be a byproduct of depression / SERIOUSLY low self esteem I’ve been dealing with. Which would probably be a good starting point in what to deal with.
I also am quite young (21) and recently quit drinking (7 months!) hopefully for good as I have had a binge drinking problem since I was 15 which became rather severe around the time I turned 18. He has surprisingly been extremely supportive of my sobriety + also doesn’t drink. Considering my age it is VERY hard to meet people without alcohol focused activities and in general people my age tend to be extremely turned off once I mention I’m completely sober (no weed nothing) which I know not everyone is like that but vast majority I’ve interacted with have been. So idk I feel somewhat trapped because of this as well which is kind of stupid.
Idk now I’m just rambling but I’m struggling to believe I’ll ever truly be free from him and it scares me so much. And that I’ll be a shell of myself more than I already am the longer I stay.
Maybe just looking for some hopeful stories of those who made it out and truly genuinely feel “free” if that makes sense.
So sorry for the long rant LOL thanks to anyone who reads.

As the title states, (and despite the existential risk to myself - as I am disabled, impoverished, and my survival is reliant on the room I rent in her attic - given her recent threat to have have me thrown out by the police because she could not handle the feelings she had during the argument that she initiated), I have finally drawn a bright red line in the metaphorical sand regarding her treatment of me. This is the culmination of 8+ years of sustained, one-sided, unreciprocated, and unsuccessful effort on my part to sustain, salvage, repair, or improve our "relationship"
 
I've learned a lot from the stories and people on this subreddit, and I know if anyone can understand the way that I'm feeling about this it's you guys.
 
Any input, commentary, criticism, insight, commiseration, etc, is very welcome, and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it.
 
Anyways, enough preamble, here's the letter in all of my ridiculously-verbose inglory (the square-bracketed disclaimers, etc, were part of the letter as delivered to her, since she is selective illiterate whenever there's something she doesn't like):
 
[START]
 
[This document begins with a 382 word AI-generated summary (titled "AI- GENERATED SUMMARY:" below the square-bracketed opening remarks), estimated at 1m23s time required to read. If you are unable or unwilling to make it through even this brief summary, then there is literally nothing else I could possibly do to assist in your comprehension of my positions. The full message following the summary is approximately 2100 words, estimated at approximately 8 minutes to read.]
 
[If you would like assistance in understanding things I've written that you're struggling to interpret or comprehend, you can go to chatgpt.com (no account necessary), or download the ChatGPT app from the Google Play Store on your phone. You can simply interact with the chat in natural language (in other words, type as though you were texting another person) and it will understand what you are saying. If you are struggling to understand how to interact with it effectively, you can simply inform it of that (in any wording you choose) and it will assist you with altering your approach to receive more effective results.]
 
AI-GENERATED SUMMARY:
 
Your son's message is a powerful declaration of his boundaries, grievances, and intentions within your relationship. Here's a breakdown to help you understand:
 
Preface: He advises you to read with an open mind and, if needed, with assistance due to the emotional complexity.
 
Declaration of Disengagement: He firmly states his decision to disengage from any form of interaction or acknowledgment outside of essential landlord-tenant matters.
 
Condemnation of Abuse: He accuses you of perpetuating a cycle of abuse that has deeply impacted his health and stability.
 
Rejection of Coercion: He dismisses the idea that being evicted is a viable solution to the abuse, highlighting the coercive nature of such a choice, and how it leaves him vulnerable to further harm.
 
Criticism of Your Behavior: He unreservedly condemns your actions, particularly your exploitation and manipulation, emphasizing the gravity and effects of your conduct.
 
Challenges to Your Claims: He directly confronts your claims regarding his efforts in the relationship, asserting that he has consistently made extensive attempts to maintain it, despite your accusations to the contrary.
 
Commitment to Compliance: He unequivocally affirms his commitment to compliance with all landlord-related demands, demonstrating his unwavering respect for your authority as the homeowner.
 
Demand for Clarity: He demands clear and unambiguous knowledge of the requisite terms when any changes to living arrangement paradigms are demanded, underscoring his willingness to comply with any directives you may issue.
 
Defense Against Gaslighting: He firmly asserts his unwavering commitment to respecting your property and authority, preemptively refuting any attempts to accuse him otherwise.
 
Insights into Your Behaviour: He offers insights into patterns in your behaviour, linking them to moments of vulnerability or distress in your life.
 
Call for Self-Reflection: He urges you to seek professional help for your narcissism and unresolved childhood traumas.
 
Caution Regarding Gravity: He states that failing to address your responsibilities would be a missed opportunity for both of you to salvage the relationship and resolve underlying issues.
 
Reiteration of Hope: Despite his current stance, he leaves the door open for reconciliation if you undergo necessary personal growth.
 
Closure on Unequal Effort: He firmly states that he can no longer sustain the one-sided effort in the relationship and won't continue to do so.
 
It's evident that he's deeply hurt and demanding acknowledgment, change, and resolution in your relationship.
 
[end of AI-generated summary; my full, non-AI-generated message follows below]
 
[I recommend that you read this in its entirety at a time and capacity level where your literacy and comprehension are at their highest level, and preferably with the interpretational assistance of a knowledgeable and competent support person or technological assistant.]
 
[Presumably, after reading a few sentences or less, your defense mechanisms will be activated and you will eject. However, as with the vast majority of the things I have said to you that have gone unacknowledged, I am completely certain that the contents are cogent and comprehensible, and I believe that with competent support and vulnerable effort you undoubtedly have the raw cognitive capacity necessary for comprehension if you are able to stabilize your emotional reactions and put real effort into the actions necessary for you to understand my words.]
 
I will not talk to you.
I will not look at you.
I will not approach you.
I will not acknowledge you.
 
If you attempt to interact with me on any interpersonal level not related to your role as a landlord, I will reserve the right to express just how fucking despicable it is to treat such a vulnerable person with such utter disregard and abuse for so fucking long.
 
The cycle of abuse you have maintained to destabilize me for your own pathological reasons has caused - and continues to cause - extensive damage to my health, stability, and existence. However, since I know your response to this would likely be some variation of "you're not a victim here [my name], so if I treat you so bad, just leave", I'll preemptively and unequivocally condemn such coercive and abusive tactics, and state again (as I did the other day), that the forced choice between your abuse and life-threatening-homelessness is obviously no choice at all, and leaves me perpetually subject to your coercion and abusive control.
 
Such exploitation by you is absolutely disgusting, and honestly I understand why you run away from yourself at every single instance where you're in danger of having your lifelong house-of-cards ego even slightly threatened. I know if I treated another human being the way you treat me for even a moment, let alone for the literal years you have done so, I would not be able to face myself in the mirror either. You should be fucking ashamed of yourself.
 
You say I "don't want to be your son anymore", as though it has been someone other than me making hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of hours of efforts and attempts in order to try and single-handedly keep our relationship alive, and as though it has been someone other than you who has stonewalled me for years about every single legitimate and valid time I attempted to gain even the slightest foothold as a full human being in the owner-pet relationship you have fought so hard to maintain. You siphon, in fact demand, emotional supply whenever you so choose, and then fucking discard me as soon as it appears that I might do anything that would result in you losing even a fraction of a percent of the 99% to 1% imbalance you believe is an immutable part of our "relationship".
 
I will do my absolute best to be in my room as much as physically possible when you are home, so as to minimize the need to be physically adjacent to you in the course of our respective activities of daily living.
 
I, again, remain unequivocally committed to my position of deference and compliance towards any rules/demands related to my existence, presence, or activities as your tenant.
 
As you refuse to provide any sort of unambiguous guidance or clarification whatsoever regarding your shifting demands affecting my ability to access/perform basic activities of daily living, I will continue to act in good faith with respect to my adherence to all previously-established arrangements and protocols (whether codified or de facto) regarding such activities. To the full extent of my abilities, and to the extent that it is physically possible, I will immediately and unequivocally comply with any alterations, additions, or excisions you choose to impose regarding the nature of our physical coexistence as landlord and tenant, regardless of your disregard or intent for any harm to my stability that will ensue as a result.
 
If you intend to attempt to manipulate or threaten or gaslight me to illegitimately and dishonestly accuse me of failing to comply with your rights and demands as the homeownelandlord, then I can assure you that such efforts will be ineffective and inadvisable. The extensive history of my genuine, documented, and unwavering commitment to absolute respect of your home, property, and landlord-tenant authority is unassailable, and nothing has or will change about the good faith nature of my efforts to simply live peacefully and work on stabilizing my health and continuing to attempt to develop basic protocols that offer me the opportunity to seek the ways and means required to sustainably exist, survive, and seek meaning and fulfilment as a human being.
 
To try and make it a bit more bite-sized (without warranty as to the efficacy of said efforts), since I know when your ego is threatened you conveniently - and dishonestly - become completely unable to read a couple thousand words:
 

• I have never been more disgusted by the actions of anyone or anything more in my entire fucking existence.

 

• I will continue to be an absolute model tenant, despite the harmful effects of your constant abuse, and I will unequivocally comply with any demands you make with your authority as my landlord. I will explicitly and aggressively defend against any attempts to gaslight me, or attempt to dishonestly accuse me of failing to comply with any such demands.

 

• [note that the contents of this bullet point are neither a threat of suicide, nor an indication of any intent whatsoever to harm myself or others. I am including this disclaimer to preemptively remove your ability to selectively manipulate my words in order to further gaslight me]
  Feel free at anytime in your life to decide that maybe it might be time to face the fact that - though skillful in your delusion - you are the same scared child you were 40 years ago, and if you ever want to truly and meaningfully experience what it's like to be secure with yourself beneath the false veneer of superficial and ego-protecting interactions you surround yourself with at the exclusion of true and honest existential vulnerability, then you need to seek, engage with, and be honest and vulnerable with, professional clinical care for your intractable narcissism and the lifelong effects and deficits associated with same. In other words, to reductively and rhetorically restate what you disgustingly told me the other day as a means of deflecting from the fact that you couldn't go more than two seconds without contradicting yourself, “get your fucking meds adjusted”.
  

 

• When faced with any sort of challenge to your control or authority, your lifelong fear of abandonment has caused you to push people away before they have the opportunity to leave you, resulting in premature, self-created, and misdirected sabotage of significant relationships at the first sign of disturbance or genuine vulnerability. I know you're terrible at recognizing or interpreting patterns or facts, but think, for example, about when your efforts to remove me from your life and/or house have been at their most intense:

 

• (a) in 2016(ish) when conflicts about my role in helping with the [redacted address][job of cleaning out my grandpa's apartment after Alzheimer's took hold] triggered feelings of grief and fear in you at the decline of your father's health and the inevitability of his then-upcoming death,

 

• (b) in late 2019 through 2020ish, in the leadup to and aftermath of your father's death, where you threatened or demanded my removal from your house during damn-near every single minor conflict about utterly insignificant household disputes. The vulnerability and grief you felt surrounding his death triggered the core-level unresolved sense of abandonment you carry as a result of the lack of parental affection you received because of, inter alia, the level of care required by your [editor's note: dying of CF as a teenager] sister and resultant lack of parental support available to you as a result,

 

• (c) in 2021ish, surrounding your mother's acute medical events and her subsequent death, where your treatment of me followed effectively the same patterns and underlying causes as the item above (sans explicit threats of eviction, opting instead for the more oblique and covert references that have been your MO until the recent regression to explicit threats within the past few days).

 

• (d) in 2024, surrounding the final decline and subsequent death of [dog], where all of the same behaviours described above returned and steadily escalated, culminating in telling me to get the fuck out of your house because I wouldn't stop moving some boxes for 30 minutes, and then telling me that you were going to call the police to have me removed from your house as a result of your inability to force me to stop making accurate statements that damaged your ego and need for unquestioned interpersonal control in your self-appointed role as the sole ruler of the relational hierarchy you fought so hard to maintain.

 

• You need to actively and vulnerably seek and participate in professional clinical treatment for the lifelong effects of the hollow narcissism that has maladaptively protected you from your deepest childhood injuries and vulnerabilities, at the expense of truly genuine connection with, at the very least, your firstborn and only son.

 

• If you want me gone from your house, and life (and possibly my own life, given the extreme existential risk posed by homelessness for a vulnerable person with the significant disabilities I am faced with), then you will have to have me physically removed from your house in cold blood, and until the day you (or I, depending on the order) die you will live with that being the last time you ever saw the son that you took for granted and abused for 32 fucking years while he groveled at your feet begging for even scraps of affection or humanity from the person who constantly love-bombed and discarded him at her convenience to serve her own narcissistic desires worth no regard for the whole entire person she was subjugating to the role of, barely, a pet.

 

• Be aware that if you choose to remove me from your life as a pathological and assuredly-ineffective avoidance mechanism to try and preemptively shield yourself from the fear of abandonment that is triggered in you as a result of my overwhelmingly valid and necessary actions to demand that you cease your lifelong efforts to subjugate me in your self-created hierarchical position at the top of our unequal relationship, then you will be doing yourself an irreparable disservice by extinguishing whatever sliver of opportunity might remain for you to get the help you need to allow you to finally see me as a real person and begin making real decisions and changes and efforts to participate in efforts to salvage whatever scraps of hope might remain for us to have a relationship before both/either of us die.

 

• Feel free to ignore and/or conceal the tens of thousands of words of documented history in order to share contextless excerpts of this text within your self-serving echo chambers in your efforts to receive false validation of your delusional victimhood. Or, alternatively, feel free to vulnerably share this in its entirety - along with the full corpus of my messaging regarding the severity of the harms caused by your behaviours - with a competent and knowledgeable mental health professional(s) for the purposes of seeking treatment for your underlying pathologies and working towards genuine growth.

 

• In the unlikely (though incomprehensibly-or-perhaps-delusionally-still-hopeful) event that you are still reading, I will conclude by saying that the possibility for any hope of salvaging our relationship lies firmly and solely within your control.

 

• After over 8 years of significant, relentless, documented, often-vilified, and absolutely unreciprocated efforts to single-handedly to put 100% of the effort into a relationship that you reaped the benefits of while remaining unwavering in your abdication of even the slightest of responsibilities, I have run out of ways, means, ideas, and capacity to continue unsuccessfully trying to do both of our parts.

 

• I am not closing the door to the possibility of reconciliation if/once you have undertaken the extensive individual work you need to do if you are ever going to be able and willing to put the necessary effort into repairing our relationship. But neither am I continuing to continue working outside your closed door hoping that one day I might be able to do enough to influence you to treat me like a full, real, EQUAL, human being.

 
I love you, and goodbye for now. I hope to see you on the other side, but I cannot force you to undertake the journey.
 
- [name]
 
[/END]

This is long but please bear with me, Im desperate for help.
Okay so it’s been two weeks now, ive been wearing a clear plastic retainer at night (a little inconsistently at first because i got hesitant) that i got fitting from an orthodontist. I’ve noticed the past two days my gums have receded at least 2mm from my two front and the two next to them on one side. My teeth have also noticeably moved but I assume that’s because they weren’t straight in the first place.
I had braces when I was younger but i probably haven’t worn my retainer in 8 years with very little noticeable movement… until a few weeks ago. Two years ago I got my wisdom teeth removed and in the healing process I started mewing (dumb) and my four very back molars have started angling themselves out and up. I also have TMJD that has gone untreated my whole life. I also started smoking marijuana daily within the last few years, I’ve subsided mostly after this issue arose, definitely making sure to brush aftebefore retainer.
When I noticed some over lap and one side of my teeth was bending in toward the other, I became hyperfixated and distressed, making my clenching worse.
I booked with the same ortho I had as a kid and when they took a look they said my smile looked great and that they were actually impressed with how much my teeth haven’t moved without me wearing a retainer for so long.
At that point I was more concerned with the pressure and discomfort I was feeling as I started an anxious tick of pulling at my teeth. I explained to her my TMJD issues and she referred me to an oral surgeon as well as recommend I see my orthodontist for a night guard. She preceded to recommend I get scanned for a new retainer to wear in the meantime to make sure my teeth don’t move more than they have. She didn’t exactly explain when or how consistently to wear them though.
I picked them up a week later and since then my teeth have moved and shifted; yes, they are more parallel now side to side, but they’ve only matched the non-TMJD side with the TMJD side, all shifting forward, but the two front ones are bending inward. Now both sides of my jaw and face I am experiencing TMJD pain and strain rather than just the one sides. My bite is deeper and my teeth lock.
This was the least of my worries though as I knew I’d need oral surgery to treat myTMJD eventually when i can afford treatment. It wasn’t until I noticed my GUMS RECEDING of course of all things to make it worse. Specifically in the two top front and two teeth next to them on one side. I feel pinching in between my teeth in the front and there is redness associated.
I don’t know if it’s because my teeth are moving that much or if the retainer is too tight or even if it’s simply the angle of my mouth because of the TMJD bone deformation.
Do I keep wearing the retainer? If so, should I keep wearing them just at night? If it’s causing these negative side effects and discomfort can I just stop wearing it or is that risking it worsening? I don’t want to buy a whole new retainer when I haven’t had it a month. Also if anyone has any recommendations on relieving TMJD pain it would be so very welcomed.
Thank you so much, this issue and discomfort has greatly affected my day to day. I graduate uni this weekend but I almost didn’t because of the anxiety associated. I haven’t been able to sleep, barely eating, hyperfixing and getting stuck in multiple hour long spirals no matter what logic or reassurance I try to throw at myself, crying so hard I’ve dehydrated myself and have been suffering crippling migraines, and panic attacks that scare my loved ones - and myself.
This something that is affecting all aspects of my life and everyone in it. I also want to note that I have seeked out and started receiving therapy from a mental and emotional health professional to help. I just want some relief, I’m trying everything I can manage. Please and thank you for any and all help, I hope this connects with others.

Hello, first time here.
To make long story short, I finished my MSc back in the end of 2017. I stayed in college for a few months as an unofficial lab assistant while we waited on some new funding that would open a proper spot for me to work, but unfortunately that did not happen. By 2018 I had to return home to assist with care for my elderly grandmother, while also working at my family's restaurant to help. Then the pandemic happened and months turned to years as we struggled to make it through.
Back to the present, I have growing feelings of unfulfillment regarding the career I left behind. I'd like to find a way to get back to it, but I'm feeling uncertain about it. I didn't get much experience at all once I finished my MSc and as a result my CV is unimpressive. I have also lost contact with the people I worked with back then, so I have no one I can personally ask about all this.
Does anyone here have any recommendations or pointers on how I could go back to my career or at least make good use of my education? Is there any actual hope for someone like me, with so little work experience and with a huge gap in his CV? Would trying to apply to entry level Lab Assistant positions be my best choice?
I appreciate any advice you may have to share with me. Thank you.

This is on mobile & this more about one of my sisters. Info I’m the youngest in the family, disabilities & am adopted from a country that’s not well known in the west. Staying vague to avoid too many details.
Backstory: She held these details about me over my head all my life. “I’m not American enough, I’m not Asian enough (my heritage enough), I’m not smart enough”, etc. She traveled to my birth country and would withhold any information on my heritage from me and gaslight me whenever I tried to ask questions when I was young. Like “oh be specific, what do you mean what food they eat? What do you mean what their history is be specific” until I’d get frustrated and have to walk away. So ya she’s awful. Summer (2022) on a family visit, I’m their favorite aunt. Been told by all my siblings kids. It was a week’s stay and I had successfully dodged my sister’s attempts in starting a fight until somehow in a conversation of economics. Don’t ask I don’t know how either I was once again called a retard & her eldest kid used as an example to ridicule me further on how stupid I was & how smart her kid is in front of my silent parents. She then turned to my utter shock to her eldest child & used her younger sibling to ridicule her on how much better she could do in school. In my head I went “AH HELL NO” (that’s where it officially began.) I SNAPPED. After more insults heels at me I started to cry. I’m not a cryer. So much so it throws me off when others cry because I guess I forget that’s a thing? Karen my entitled sister was absolutely BEAMING with pride and utter euphoric JOY. Again my parents still silent heads down. Shortly after that we had to leave for the airport. I WAS DONE. Given I’d do & this was my “snapping point” it’s really not too bad in my opinion.
Now onto the PETTY REVENGE.
Christmas 2022, I mailed my gifts to my narcissistic sister & later she called & disowned me. The utter relief that drained from my body was HEAVENLY. I sent her kids “Sorry My Mom’s a Karen” t-shirts I got off Amazon as a petty joke for Christmas, along said actually gifts. I thought it was hilarious and to anyone outside the family I tell this story to agrees it’s funny. Outraged on the phone I did try to explain why I sent the gifts instead of straight up apologizing first because that’s just how my brain functions. It’s not excusing it. It’s just making sense of things. A recap on what happened that lead up as a nice way to have a straightforward what happened from my perspective to give more clarity. I’m called heartless & evil. That was the Holidays and since then my parents have even admitted they know it was messed up & hovered over me declaring me unfeeling. According to my narcissistic sis I’m “an evil bitch”. I finally said okay & apologized to appease my mother. I figured it was a great acting exercise. I admitted that to my mother and she was not amused. She’s the type who just wants everyone to get along. Unsurprisingly my entitle sis said “it wasn’t good enough” & I said “that’s her problem”. I was called immature, stubborn & clearly need intense anger management…over shirts according to my sister. Questioning my sanity really her and my mom. “How could I do such a thing?” I remember thinking “Dude I got disowned over shirts”. Like wow she didn’t just prove my point. I’m setting boundaries, told her and my family regardless what they think I won’t let them make me the bad guy because I’m not. They were pissed. Whilst all this was happening I was planning on going off to uni, so I was gonna be gone anyways. I know my parents just want peace & are good people but are too old & don’t need to be dealing with their two adult children’s problems. I kept telling my mom she’s not responsible for her grown children’s problems. That it’s not her fault & that it’s between me and my sister. Of course my sister isn’t mature and demanded she fix it and make me realize how awful I am blah blah blah.
Ya I could have let it go but disownment is a bit of an overkill but I’m too relieved to care? She’s since then tried to convince our parents to take my education away. They shut that down, thank God. She even tried to convince them to throw me onto the streets. It was like this for roughly four months until I realized I was fighting my own battle this long & enough was enough. I contacted another family member knowing they’d contact my mom asking what’s going on? Embarrassed my mom came storming in asking why was I sharing our family business? I looked at her “why? Why? What’s a middle aged woman doing trying to ruin the life of (insert my age) year old?” Stunned I think that’s when she finally realized it was over and she gave up. After that I was left alone. By March I think Karen realized I’m not budging & she couldn’t take it? So her last tactic (which didn’t work) was saying parents couldn’t see their grandkids unless I apologized. I’ve admitted to my parents the fallowing “Yes, I messed up by sending those petty gifts to unsuspecting kids. That’s fair. However how is sending petty shirts like that be so much worse than the abuse they’ve let me endure from my much older sister? Whatever. At the very least I deserve a tongue lashing. Which I got but not months of continued “you’re heartless” BS. Sorry if this was a long read but that’s been my story so far. I’m living my life, keeping a healthy distance because I love my family but I’m also not a pushover. I’ve been blocked by Karen naturally. My Parents spent years beaten down by her despite the good life and support she’s been given by our parents. They’re just as much as victims as I am. My petty revenge continues as I live my life feeling more & more powerful & FREE. I even met people at my university from my country and finally got answers not even the internet was helpful on. I was finally able to reclaimed my own heritage. Around Christmas time 2023 I had an unplanned & surprising conversation on FaceTime with my nieces! As expected they don’t care about what happened & they still love me. My BIL is chill & likely & probably wisely is staying out of it. Also my parents have been getting therapy and doing better. They’re victims & adults. So what they do is their choice. Thankfully I have seen improvements. They’re good people.
The CHERRY ONTOP :
I realized somewhere in August 2023 that I was the first person in her life that told her no, showed she had no control. What’s worse (for her) of all people, it was in her eyes the inferior little the Asian retard, who walked away head held high & couldn’t give any less of a damn about her. And. She. Can’t. Do. Anything. About. It. That’s Power. Now I believe to cope she lives her life as if nothing happened staying silent but keeps the “disownment up” and honestly good for her. I am happy healthy & thriving. I WON.

I am going to call this an old new story about my jnmil. My daughter turned 9 yo this past weekend and my family was celebrating and reminiscing about her 1st birthday.
For those of you who don’t want to read my lengthy back story, my daughter has 2 rare chromosome disorders and she is the only documented case to have both. She had a very rocky first year of life and doctors didn’t expect her to make it past 18months. She also had another close call when she was 3 yo. She’s got a long list of complications, but is happy and chaos on 2 legs. We love her to pieces and brings a ton of joy to our lives. Delusional Debbie has always been disappointed in who she is, and focuses more on what she can’t do.
Back to the story. At my daughter’s celebration this year, my aunt made a comment about how terrible my in-laws were at daughter’s first birthday party. Her 1st birthday party was held in the cafeteria of our local Children’s Hospital because my daughter had been hospitalized (for the 10th time that year). My family brought food, balloons, party hats, the works. Even though my daughter wasn’t healthy enough to be at home, I have so many pictures of her smiling with her aunt/uncles/cousins etc. The only members of DH family there were Delusional Debbie and JNFIL (his family lives far away and I wouldn’t have expected them to come).
I knew that Delusional Debbie was put out by daughter being in the hospital, but honestly I don’t remember anything negative being said at the party….. but my aunt does! And boy did she spill the tea!
Apparently Delusional Debbie was complaining (to my family), about daughter being in the hospital again. She couldn’t understand why I wasn’t doing more to keep daughter home (I am Delusional Debbie’s favorite punching bag). To her, daughter’s unstable health HAD to be because I wasn’t doing enough to keep her healthy. I for Delusional Debbie, it was so unreasonable that everyone had to haul the food and decorations down to the hospital (she did none of the work). Also, JNFIL complained that the hospital was not convenient to get to from the hotel they had booked (the hospital is 45 minutes from my home and about an hour from where they stayed).
I’ll be honest, I was laughing when Aunt told me this story. I am already NC with all of my in-laws and have been for years. Also, my aunt is sunshine, rainbows, and everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. BUT, she had all sorts of four letter words in her story about Delusional Debbie. Also, this was 8 years ago. Mostly I am grateful that my family shielded me from Delusional Debbie’s toxic behavior, and gave me an amazing memory of Daughter’s first birthday. Knowing what she said doesn’t taint my memory at all. It just re-enforces my argument for being NC.
So, yeah, an old/new story.

Jax: ASPD-He seems to not care about other people very much and has played rude pranks, laughed at others misfortune, left them to die to an abstracted character, as well as enjoying violence without any empathy shown as seen in the second episode and even threatens Gangle with a gun to make her keep driving. He also seems to hang around and target Gangle, with someone like her having such extreme emotions being very easy to manipulate
Zooble: Depression-Always down, frustrated, easily annoyed and uninterested in everything the others have to do
Pomni: Schizophrenia-She just happened to wake up in a random new world one day with deformed and inhuman creatures all around her telling her to do things and having other multiple frightening random events popping up, like Kaufmo abstracting or the tragedy mask in the bathtub screaming and charging towards her
Gangle: Bipolar Disorder-She has two emotions based off which mask she has on, assuming thats how it works. A tragedy mask, which she is depressed and upset the whole time she wears it, and a comedy mask that I assume makes her happy and joyful whenever wearing it. She has two emotions that(provided her comedy mask didn't break) she'd be able to switch between whenever, going straight from happy to extremely upset
Kinger could possibly be dementia, as Jax has said you can't count on him for anything (again if Jax has ASPD he may be lacking enough of a moral compass to make fun of Kinger's dementia that way) as if he may get forgetful and confused a lot. He is also the one who has been there the longest and hence may be the oldest, maybe even elderly, putting him at a higher risk for dementia
The Alligator outlaw guys: Multiple Personality Disorder-Three of them who are all alligators and look similar but act differently, eventually one of them realizing he's an NPC and the memories he has while in the persona of the boss aren't real and are all just made up to fit his place in the story
Ragatha, and Caine are ones I'm not sure about yet.

FUCK you. I quit the game before finishing chewing you out. 4 of us drop on lvl9 on penta and immediately are next to 2 jammers and an artillery. What do these geniuses do? Leave me to solo both while they burn 75% of our lives on the fucking artillery. I suggest they move on which they agree, and never make it more than 200m from the artillery. I solo the WHOLE MAP. had probably 25-30 samples on me.
The final objective is the opposite side of the map and literally all that’s left is to blow up the research center. They finally make it to the extract and I’m thinking cool. At least they’re gonna call it in and it’ll be there by the time I arrive.
Nope.
I’m halfway running back to extract when it lands. I probably have another 200m to run, idk like another 30s max before I get there. The fucking muppets leave without me. Mind you these are all 50+ rank.
Long story short, if this is you, please never procreate.

please someone help. my boyfriend started T a little over a month and a half ago, and he has never been so sad in the years that i have known him. i know this is a common side effect but it breaks my heart for him. he is the sweetest boy, really. recently he started crying multiple times a day over whether or not people still like him, myself included, and it’s so worrying.. everyone in his life loves him so dearly. he has a therapist , a few safe spaces to vent, and he swears he isn’t $ui€id@l .. so i guess i am asking what brought all of you comfort if you went through this same this? i ask him what he needs and he just tells me he doesn’t know. he will seriously lay in my arms ,crying, and he’ll tell me he doesn’t know what’s wrong or what feels different to make him so emotional. Any and all advice helps. please, and thank you!!

Reddit, please help! Lately I'm always feeling like a failure. My partner (29 M) supports me in my self care & work & hobbies & loves to boost me up so much, but he also frequently tells me things I've done wrong. I'd always rather he be honest about his feelings, but i feel like it's very frequent and isn't resolved briefly either. Something comes up at least twice a month where he says he doesn't feel listened to or valued or "like a partner" in our relationship and things blow up. This has happened for 3 months now. I have tried really hard to fix previous tangible concerns like letting him know when I'll be away from my phone for a while or making changes to not be late to things. We have had some really good strides where I've been able to tell him sorry for things I say that sound inconsiderate asap and asking what he means about things to avoid miscommunications. But somehow the last 48 hours have been a nightmare even with my growth and progress. I'm sorry this post is lengthy but I'll try my best to explain the most recent example
Sunday my bf slept through his brother coming to visit on accident. He woke up and texted me and said he was spiraling a bit about feeling bad about it and would be okay but just needed a "5" to show him I was there. (this is supposed to be a call back to us saying I love you 5 ever in the past)
I didn't see his text for 30 minutes and then told him l was soo sorry I didn't see this sooner and that I was really sorry he slept through his alarm and missed that, but his body must have needed rest. He said it's okay, it's just my brother.
We spoke for 40 minutes about mothers day and other stuff and then he said "hey you never sent a 5" and I said "oh shoot, 5". It then was shared that it really upset him that I hadn't read and replied to that part of his text. It made him feel not listened to, he said, that I chose to reply how I wanted instead of doing what he asked for. I apologized and also said sorry I didn't say a 5 sooner and that I wish I had seen his text and sent a 5 right away. He got upset that I was apologizing for not texting him right away. He said apologizing for the thing he's not even upset about (not replying for 30 minutes) takes away his agency and takes away from him feeling heard.
He then explained it wasn't fully about the 5 - it was that it hurt that I didn't ask more about his feelings and just changed the topic after he said "it's okay". I think sometimes I forget people say "it's okay" to try to be strong when really they want to talk about their feelings. He emphasized he wished I had asked about his feelings and I said I definitely should have and need to be better about asking more follow up if he opens up and says he's spiraling.
I apologized a ton Sunday night and called him and cried to him on the phone about how much I cared and how much I didn't want to hurt him. He told me it was going to be okay and he even told me he felt loved and cared about. He showed appreciation when I took accountability and I said things like "I totally see how it made you feel not heard that I didnt do a small thing you asked for" and "I really should have followed up by asking more about your feelings or why you were spiraling".
Monday he got upset again once he woke up and said I was defensive yesterday and it hurt and that I talk at him and not with him (I did get defensive a bit by saying things like "I didn't know you weren't still okay and I took it at face value when you said you were okay" or saying "I told you I know I messed up and I shouldn't have ignored you opening up to me" when he brought up again how hurt he felt. But sometimes he repeated how hurt he was and how he wished I would hold myself accountable. So I would at times get defensive by saying "well I tried telling you that I'm sorry I ____"
I didn't know what to keep saying besides sorry and that I messed up. I tried keeping my answers brief after he said i was making things about myself (being emotional in my guilt) because i didnt want to risk monopolizing the conversation. Then he told me I really hurt him because he shared 2 paragraphs about how hurt he was and I gave a 10 word answer. I apologized multiple times for my 10 word answer. I said I only kept it short to keep the focus on him. He said it felt like I wasn't even trying. I tried asking what else he needs or what I could do to help and he told me I'm just Asking "out of self preservation". Then when I said I wish I knew what I could do to help he said "did you ask". Three different times when I said I wish I could make him feel better or things like I am trying to give thoughtful answers he would say "did you ask" and then I would say "ask what?" And get frustrated when he didn't give me a straight answer. When I got upset for not getting an answer to my question, he said I was making it about me again.
At some point he asked for examples of me asking accountability. I sent screenshots of when I said I messed up and hurt him and I should've done differently and he got upset and said "those are from yesterday and don't impact how I feel today". I tried taking accountability again today in multiple sentences. He seemed grateful that I did and was glad to hear me list the things I messed up and take the blame for. But then when I brought up something i was hoping we could still do (a surprise party for him) he got really upset and said I was only thinking about what I wanted (to see him and get him to the surpise) instead of what he wanted (to not go out). This led to him skipping his own surprise party today. We haven't had a conversation since he skipped it.
A chunk of yesterdays convo, word for word: M: "I felt so small when you gave me a 10 word response I felt like I didn't explain enough or wasn't good enough . And to not really have a response, it hurt me so bad."
F: "I'm sorry for hurting you so much and giving so small of a response. I'm really sorry for the things I did to make you feel small."
M: "thats not what I'm worried about or bothers me"
F: "What are you worried about or bothered by? You shared it Made you feel small when I sent a 10 word response, so I thought that was a part of the problem."
M: "Not really related and makes me feel worse about getting the love I need/want"
F: "i don't understand. You brought up how much hurt you and how low it made you feel, how is it not related?"
M: "Did you ask?"
F: "I'm asking now"
M: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you being hurt negated everything I've felt?"
F: "What? Where did I say I'm hurt?"
M: "You're asking a question so you could feel good or secure but I dont feel I'm afforded the same"
A convo chunk from today:
M: i spend so much energy and get so little in return. When I reach out and ask for help everything gets focused on how you felt. When do I matter?
F: I'm sorry. I hope you can get to feel like you matter now. I have been trying to do what you need and put very little focus on myself and I'll keep trying
M: If you can't try or listen to what I'm saying or asking for just leave me alone and make this whole situation easier. I'm exhausted and tired from giving you grace and somehow things always focus back on you.
_--- Then In several texts asked him if he explain how things kept coming back to me and he said the focus just keeps coming back to me.because I won't take accountability. He is embarrassed and doesn't feel good enough. Because I don't show him support when he needs it and don't show i care in the ways he wants or needs the way he supports me when I'm low.
F; I'm sorry and I wish I had afforded you the same. I'm trying to give thoughtful answers, sorry if they have to be short because I'm at work. Can you explain how you feel like the focus has been coming back to me in today's convo. M: did you ask? F: ask what? M: dude we aren't doing this again F: dude I asked for clarification becuase I don't get your question M: It's not about you. I don't think you're ready or capable of loving me the way I want or need. I feel like I've given you grace and afforded you the space to make or acknowledge mistakes. I can't keep begging to be heard and feel like I'm overreacting or misunderstood. It's fine to ask for clarification, but when you do it hijacks the conversation and we never revist what I said.
F: because I don't get an answer so it's hard to revisit the topic when I'm still confused
M: I'm sorry , I didn't realize that me spiraling or being in a bad place was only continued because you didn't get a response. This isn't about you.
I want to get him to couples therapy because I care about him SO much and he has a really big heart and a good soul. But once he feels hurt, it's like he's stuck being the victim and can't see how horribly irrational our conversations are going. I am not perfect at conflict either - I get defensive if he keeps talking about being hurt, and I end up crying a lot to him about how bad I feel for hurting, and sometimes he has to help me calm me down from my intense crying over the problem I caused, which is draining for him. But I think at least in this case he is really stuck in a victim complex where he isnt doing any wrong and I'm not doing much right to him. I genuinely feel like therapy could really help, I want to support him, but I'm nervous to just outright ask for it. What do I do? How could I ease into the topic?
TL;DR: Although I have tried to be very patient and take accountability there are a lot of things I do that hurt my boyfriend. I have worked on improve some concrete things but our most recent conflict (detailed above) has me feeling anxious and lost because I try taking accountability throughout but he is still upset no matter what I say. I don't think he knows how to handle conflict and I'm not perfect at it either but i am very willing to name everything I do wrong and try to change it. I want to suggest couples therapy so he can see we can both do better. Not sure how.

Hello everybody. I’m making this post because I’ve been feeling pretty lost these past few months. I would like some guidance or recommendations as to what I should possibly do career wise given my current situation.
I’ll start if by stating that when I was younger I wanted to be a lawyer as I had a lot of passion for the field and I was an amazing debater. However, due to family pressure (that still continues to this day), I was put off the field and told that “I would never be able to get a job apart from being a secretary”. To add to this, I was pressured to become a doctor and study medicine (something that I did not want to do). The resulting predicament was that I lost my identity because where once I was excellent at English and languages and public speaking, I was pushed into the sciences. I did well in biology and chemistry but it wasn’t my passion.
Then, I attended university where the plan was to go into medicine. I had no idea what I was doing so when a family member recommended me to major in Microbiology, i gladly obliged. I HATED by time studying the degree and greatly dreaded labs. I would have panic attack after panic attack and I hated lab work.
Then came graduation and I thought “you know what I hate working in a lab let me figure out something else to do”. Because of my background in microbiology, I had taken some public health papers and the field kind of interested me but I wasn’t so familiar about it. I went to grad school and majored in public health. I graduated and worked for 6 months for my local district health board. However, I was not in the best place mentally and ended up at the doctors and I had to resign from my position. I had severe mental health issues.
Then, I decided to say screw it and I went back to university and worked part time to support myself. I studied for a year towards and English literature post graduate degree and I graduated with honors. When I graduated I couldn’t find a job so I’ve been in sales for the last 9 months.
I hate my job and I want to change careers. I want to have a good job. But I don’t know who I am and what I should do. I thought maybe teaching but hearing people’s short or stories has scared me. I have a passion to explain and help people understand processes. I can teach subjects like English, history, biology, and chemistry. I was thinking perhaps combining education with my passion for reducing inequities (I learnt a lot of the process used to reduce inequities in public health) in vulnerable populations. But I don’t know. I’m feeling very depressed and would like some further information. Do you think educational policy would be for me?
Can somebody kindly suggest what the heck I should do so I don’t feel like a burden and failure?

TW BLOOD AND TALKS OF ABORTION
I (22F) am currently living with my boyfriend, my 11 month baby, mom, stepdad, sister (17), & brother (12) and I want out ASAP!! I’m shaking as I write this post, because I am so besides myself so sorry if it’s all over the place. I haven’t lived with my mom since 8th grade (long story short she lost custody of me). After I had my baby we all decided to get an apartment together. We do not live here for free, my boyfriend (because I stay at home with the baby) pays for our half of the rent/bills. We’ve been having major issues and I have no issue taking fault but all of our issues are because of my mom, wether she’s being stubborn, not taking us into consideration, letting my siblings do whatever they please, etc. the cherry on top was today…
(TW) for some background information about 4 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant after taking a morning after pill, then never receiving my period. I decided it would be best for us (my bf, baby, and I) if I got an abortion, so I got the pill. It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve taken the pill and for a week straight I was bleeding a lot, passing clots, and cramping bad and up until 5 days ago I started feeling so much better and the blood was was finally in its brown stage (the ending) with NO cramping.
Fast forward to today… my brother came home from school and I had asked him to take the trash out in our restroom (this is the “guest bathroom” so everyone uses it). He just looked at me and said okay. Later in the night (it’s about 8pm by now) I go into the restroom and see it over filling with toilet paper. I go into the kitchen and mind you my mom is in the kitchen as well making food for herself.
Me: I thought I asked you to take out the trash Brother: you did Me: okay so why is the trash still here? Brother: I’ll take out that trash when you tell insert my bf name here to take out the kitchen trash Me: he does take out the trash. Now I’m telling you to take that trash out. Brother: I’m not doing anything until you tell bf name here to take the trash out. I been taking the trash out, he can do it cause I already did it.
The arguing when on for maybe a minute more or so but I was infuriated. My mom continued to let my TWELVE YEAR OLD brother disrespect me and just stood there like an idiot. Like I said I was so mad I started gushing blood, passing clots (from down there) and cramping so bad! I know this may sound stupid but it’s so much more than taking out the trash. My stepdad doesn’t do a damn thing in the apartment but my mom has the nerve to try and talk shit about how my bf doesn’t do xyz. My stepdad and boyfriend work at the same place and they both leave at 3 so they are both here during the day. While I’m in the kitchen cleaning messes I didn’t make day in and day out while my bf watches our baby my stepdad is in his room ALL DAY he never makes an effort to help or do anything. Two days ago my boyfriend cleaned the whole apartment and it’s already a mess. There has been multiple times where my mom lets my siblings talk disrespectfully to my boyfriend and I, my sister steals my things and I’m not talking about innocent sister taking NO she’s a thief and a liar and anytime I tell my mom that my siblings took something of ours she doesn’t even bat an eye. It’s so much more than I can even begin to type but this was the cherry on top and I’m very VERY close to moving out and breaking our lease. I will not continue to let the family disrespect us like that! My boyfriend and I are going out of town for 2 weeks so I have time to decide. I just want out but if it will hurt more than benefit my little family, I will stay.
P.S. I PAID my brother $6 to take the kitchen trash out ONCE last week bc my boyfriend wasn’t able to and today my mom was mad (like she always is) so SHE MADE my brother take out the trash. Guess doing something twice means you do it all the time 🤷🏽‍♀️

BACKGROUND - I’m (31F) singing for my grandpa (died at 92 years old), whom everyone, regardless of their relation to him, called “Papi.” - Papi immigrated to the US from Cuba with my grandma (died 7 years ago) and their 8 kids as refugees in the 60s. - Papi spoke primarily Spanish but the rest of the family speaks mainly English and Spanish.
IDEAS (lyrics below) - Change whenever it says “Daddy” to “Papi.” - “I'm not your son, you're not my father We're just two grown men saying goodbye.” I don’t know how to change this, as I am his granddaughter. I can make it reflect me or loved ones even, but I don’t know how to make it have the same powerful impact that this line has. - any and all suggestions and ideas welcomed
LYRICS
Oh, before they turn off all the lights I won't read you your wrongs or your rights The time has gone I'll tell you good night, close the door I'll tell you I love you once more The time has gone So here it is I'm not your son, you're not my father We're just two grown men saying goodbye No need to forgive, no need to forget I know your mistakes and you know mine While you're sleeping, I'll try to make you proud So, daddy, won't you just close your eyes? Don't be afraid, it's my turn to chase the monsters away Oh, well, I'll read a story to you Only difference is this one is true The time has gone I folded your clothes on the chair I hope you sleep well, don't be scared The time has gone So here it is I'm not your son, you're not my father We're just two grown men saying goodbye No need to forgive, no need to forget I know your mistakes and you know mine And while you're sleeping, I'll try to make you proud So, daddy, won't you just close your eyes? Don't be afraid, it's my turn to chase the monsters away Sleep a lifetime, yes, and breathe a last word You can feel my hand on your own I will be the last one, so I'll leave a light on Let there be no darkness in your heart 'Cause I'm not your son, you're not my father We're just two grown men saying goodbye No need to forgive, no need to forget I know your mistakes and you know mine And while you're sleeping, I'll try to make you proud So, daddy, won't you just close your eyes? Don't be afraid, it's my turn to chase the monsters away

[OC Intro: The game is modded to increase basic jobs cost, seasonal events are disabled. Much of the crash details are based on NASA/SP-2008-565 Columbia Crew Survival Investigation Report recommendations especially Chapter 3 "Occupant Protection".]
The ship is without power, and Tightniks can't run the radar much without draining the batteries. He has only a few minutes of APU power left, goes over the best clearing he can find, and radars it. It varies by only a few feet from the aerodynamic glideslope there. He spots it out on the cameras and circles to go after that spot. He's only at two hundred feet now. With one hand on the stick, he uses the other to open the pressure equalization valve on the side hatch, then at one hundred feet, gets it undogged. Depending on how much damage he's going to get, it's less likely to be stuck closed and trap him. The dynamic vacuum this pulls in the cockpit rips most of the survival pack data cards from that rack and scatters them across the landscape. Crap, I'm gonna need those! Refocusing on surviving the next few seconds, he turns on the radar for the final approach, takes a last look around, then straight ahead at his forward camera and PFD, he clicks his HANS and shoulder strap locks in; after that, he can barely move, but that now is better than dying in this crash with a broken neck. He's a decent pilot and brings up the flare gently. Bringing up the alpha on this delta-winged ship, he balloons a little, but keeps the nose going up and restores a zero aerodynamic sink rate just above the highest terrain indicated by the radar altimeter. The ship bumps a little in the ground effect, and he can see the radar altitude cycling irregularly up and down about five feet at a time. Rougher than it looked from higher up! The body flap protecting the dead engines hits first, and the nose comes rapidly down. It hits, the screens go blank, and Tightniks is surrounded by airbags, some lifting his feet from the rudder petals and his hand from the control stick. It's blinding, it's disorienting, it's noisy, and, to his relief, it's long! It takes several seconds before the crashing cockpit stops moving. How many times did he flip over? Did he go sideways and roll? Am I rightside up? Are we really stopped on the ground? The airbags deflate, and he can move his arms. He gets his restraints loose and inspects himself. "Uck!" he says out loud (without the 'f'). No broken bones. His pressure suit can take his blood pressure. 116/81, pulse 112, blood oxygen 99 reads off on his left arm, I'll friggin' take it!
The ship is amazingly intact from what he can tell. He can't get any readings. The systems test meter seems to be working, but can't find any voltages anywhere. The ship seems to be completely dead. Behind him, 10 passenger seats are all surrounded by airbags and the back of the cabin ends in some sort of dirt-and-gravel and there's a bit of daylight seeping in around the edges. He was the only one on board, though, so their deployment was mostly academic (they might have stiffened the structure a little during the crash, but that's probably trivial.) Tightniks gets out of his spacesuit. The air on this planet is actually breathable. He gets the hatch open, steps outside and-
"A green shimmer erupts then disappears, and you hit the ground."
The human emerges from the glowing green mist and hits the ground. Groans. Pushes against that ground, trying to get back up. Where am I? What's my name? I remember nothing. Aren't babies born naked? He's got a dark blue button-down shirt on. A uniform? A shoulder patch. Gets up, looks around. I feel really heavy. I'm not that fat, am I? He picks up a small stone from the ground, this also feels heavier than it should. He rises to his feet and holds it out somewhat (he's unable to fully extend his arm) and lets it go. The stone hits the ground near his feet quickly and with remarkable speed. It's the gravity, it's greater than it is on- ...where am I from? This is- ...not my home planet? "Oooh..."
"Ka?" it says.
What is that? It's cute, at least.
It is not tame. He has no hope of catching it on foot. The creature seems to like the berries. Maybe if I gather some of those into one place and set some kind of trap...
33s: First trap.
I got one! The human lumbers up to the trap and gets the catch open. Do you bite? It doesn't matter much to me; I'm so friggin' screwed.
It doesn't. It looks at the human with a sense of wonder, actually. A blink and tilt of the head. Seems almost to be asking, Is it you? My purpose? My savior? Once out of the trap, which is totally wrecked, he has to make a new one from scratch, it follows him around like a imprinted hatchling bird.
Wiry little fella, you are. You're going to need some bulking up to do anything useful. The- ...'trimp', I guess... The trimp seems just barely able to feed itself. The human lets him into the broken ship's intact cabin, and it curls up comfortably in a passenger seat for a nap.
1m03s: Second trap.
"Apparently the Trimps breed if they're not working. Doesn't look pleasant."
What are they doing?
The trimps appear to be androgynous, and these two have paired off in the back of the ship. They're holding something carefully within a few hours, feeding it berries, grass, and- ...corundum.
Corundum?? Whatever that is, it isn't a baby.
1m35s: Third trap.
Only it IS a baby! The third trimp he trapped immediately joined the other two in raising it. They have a strange diet of food the human has found compatible with his own body, but they also eat rocks! They're careful to crush and sort aluminate minerals from silcate ones and only eat aluminate. Actually, they don't eat aluminate, they're only feeding it to the baby.
2m06s: Fourth trap.
All four are raising the same child, who is just starting to toddle. It seems these fellas have alumina or maybe even aluminum bones. The human takes a nap and wakes to find the first child grown up and they're starting to raise a second child, all five of them.
2m46s: Huts.
The human found a working bit of electronics. He calls it a pad, but maybe it's more like a smartphone. It has plans for two residential structures. The first, the smaller one, he can build right away, but the second one needs something called "drywall", and he has to figure out how to make that before he can build it. Huts and houses, apparently.
3m13s: 10 pop, full, first farmer.
The trimp he trained to farm and make paper took an incredible 50 units of food to get bulked up to do the work, and now it's not participating in rearing the child. But less than an hour after the trimp started farming and pulping, the child was out on its own, and the trimps did not start another. The ten seats on the ship were all full. Well, eleven counting the one up front that the human sleeps in. The pilot starts exploring the area.
3m28s: Battle.
Wait, what are you do-
The hostile roars and charges at the human, but one of his trimps jumps in front of him with a stick and they fight. It started right when the human got far enough away from the ship that the hostile non-trimps away from the ship began to regard him as leaving his own territory. After the trimp defeats the first enemy, it continues after other hostiles.
3m53s: Shield I in Z1c5.
The human is easily able to recover the loot in the territory cleared by the fighting trimp. Then he sees something glinting in the- That can't be! What the heck is that? It's a data card that fits his pad. It quite clearly regards trimp combat. He gets it loaded into his pad and studies it. I can do this, it just takes some wood. He returns to the ship to discover that they had already started on a new child before the fighter had even expired in battle. The human concentrates on his research.
4m38s: Mskel in Z1c11 defeated.
The remains of this one seem rather white and shiny. It's titanium! This enemy had titanium bones! He'll store them away. They'll be useful someday, I'm sure.
5m52s: Dagger I in Z1c20.
Where are these data cards coming from? The human wonders as he loads this one into his pad, It's for a weapon it calls a dagger. He blinks. I don't know what a dagger is. I'll take your word for it, data card. Needs metal. He has gathered some, but ore is plentiful. He can just dig and smelt it whenever he wants. For now, I'll continue researching.
6m18s: Arable in Z1c21.
It's an old cave that trimps like to live in. Why weren't they able to live there before? How could these friendly critters be confined to only the exact spot where THAT thing, he looks back where he came from, not remembering that he piloted the wrecked ship to its current resting place, crashed? This is really strange. I'll let them fill up this cave before advancing further. Wait, what about defenses? The hostiles never try to reclaim territory that they've lost, so he stops worrying about that fairly quickly.
8m22s: First hut is 0.3% first ever AP.
The trimps seem fairly easy to please in terms of living quarters. Two move into his first hut and start raising a child. The human has his tent, uniform, and the heater pilfered from his space suit. Not much of a mud fan.
9m59s: Miners in Z1c30.
Oh, what's on this data card? Sl3niw? Oh, I'm holding the pad upside down. Miners. I can teach trimps how to mine ores and smelt met- 200 units of food? Each job is getting more expensive to train a trimp for. He puts his bee nickels to his eyes and spots another data card probably 10 enemies away. "Sc"? Does that means science? I can teach trimps to do science??
13m57s: Scientists in Z1c40.
Due to the expense of training trimps, the human couldn't afford to build them shields until now, he's got Sh1-3 made for the fighter to capture the science training data card. 14m02s: One head went into that turtlimp shell, that of his fighter, but two came out: his fighter still has his head on, and he managed to get the turtlimp's head off. It rushes off after the deadly penguimp in the next cell. The shields are not doing all that much good, actually, but they're better than nothing. The human picks up and loads the science data card and- Holy runny sugar-free fudge crap! 1000 food units, but it'll endow them with the ability to speak. Good. I'm getting bored with no one to talk to.
14m28s: Bloodlust purchased and AutoFight enabled (that delay after getting it is an effect of jacking up the job cost.)
As the human buries this expired little trimp warrior, he comes to the sobering realization that he has more trimp graves in his growing trimp colony than he does live trimps. And yet they seem more hopeful now than before I got to know any of them. They seem to think I'm the solution to all their problems or- Those two look east somberly, then notice that he's watching them and smile back and wave at him. ...one problem that is specific, but very, very huge for them. [The only reason I say 'east' is because that's right on a map, and the game advances right across a row, then up. I might say 'northeast' on occasion for that reason.]
20m47s: Z1c73, Miners taken.
Are you my new mining foreman? The trimp who took to the mining training has dark brown fur that lays flat on its head. It's unusual in not having any bits that stick out from its head, ahoge or whatever. This one is relatively quiet, and while it has assimilated the mining and smelting knowledge, it needs to bulk up to do any mining. Smelting is relatively easy, and getting a strong natural draft going in a furnace is almost trivial with the increased gravity. This trimp builds furnaces like nothing. And likes to nap in holes it digs right on the spot; it's weird that way. [Puchim@s Yukipo, and furnaces are not explicit in Trimps.]
21m58s: Farming in Z1c80.
The resourcing "books" are not data cards but paper scrolls, apparently lost to the trimps. It seems that they were civilized in the recent past and some calamity swept over the planet to reduce them to this. Did I have something to do with it? Amnesia sucks harder than a Dyson- ...what's a Dyson? Whatever, it sucks. This disaster happening just before I crash in the only spot with trimps still alive would be a seriously crazy coincidence! Something is really, really wrong about all this. [The author has not sought or received product placement permission or fee from Dyson Technology Ltd. or any resellers of their stuff, just they literally suck balls and made my favorite vacuum cleaner.]
23m50s: Builder in Z1c90.
They've rescued an, I dunno, gelding trimp? It just started to build a shed around the piled lumber I left to build one. It's really slow compared to me, and just banged its thumb, but it is super cute with that long reddish head fur. That particular trimp is also fascinated with pink ribbons and likes to decorate its head fur with them. Because of its inherent inability to participate in rearing children, it isn't counted in the population. [Puchim@s Io, builder on the basis of Iori seen building in 1x10.]
26m02s: Zone 2, 44 pop, 5.5s RC with Z0/1.
It's some sort of tactical manual - tactical coordination. Coordination! He's starting to sort out some trimpese on the research he has done so far. It needs a lot of metal, so they won't be able to implement it for some time. Hopefully, they're still good one at a time, but these enemies seem to be getting bigger as we go along. Uh oh!
27m33s: Gym in Z2c5.
It's some sort of training dojo or sporting arena. The human examines the ruins, I think I can back-engineer drawings for this, get one built, and see what happens.
29m02s: 1g, 47 pop, 10.8s RC with Z1/2.
The two fighting trimps now with their gym and coordination are dodging and blocking enthusiastically, and making much faster ground against the bad guys then a little while ago when it was just one trimp fighting at a time and unable to avoid the enemy hitting back.
40m46s: Fresh turkimp in Z2c74, 63 pop, 7.9s RC, Sh1-10, Da1-5, Bo1-3, Ma1-3, Hm1-3, 6g.
Oh, wow, the laborers seem really hot after this turkimp. He cooks it up and tries a slice. It's really awesome! I have to work alongside his laboring trimps to share it, but I'm getting used to the gravity now. That scroll we found back in Z2c10 really helped. Trimps' techniques and appliances for handicapped individuals, and I'm really handicapped in this higher gravity. He joins the woodcutters with the turkimp; they're the most numerous resource laborer right now, building more gyms, enough that the block/dodge ability of the fighting trimps is almost caught up to the enemy's ability to cause damage.
43m15s: Zone 3, 63 pop, 7.9s RC with Z1/2.
I'm neglecting my science and trimp scientists are really expensive. Curiously, that grey-haired one can't speak all that well, only says "Tai" and "Shijou", but it can write and draw like nobody's business. It's the only scientist so far. [Puchim@s Takanya: Online references probably still claim that she can utter the first two syllables of any word, but she can actually utter only the first two kana syllables of someone's name, most often the given name of basis human Takane Shijou, who also has that habit. (All the utterances of the puchidoru are based on the speech foibles of their basis humans except maybe Piyopiyo, where I haven't seen anything match up so far.)]
47m32s: Finally, we can make drywall and houses. 59m30s: Z3c77, 94 pop, 7.8s RC.
Oh, those poor things are really struggling up at the front. These trimps are enthusiastic and know no fear, but I still feel like telling them to stop for a while. I don't have the heart to keep them from trying while they're still doing some damage.
1h05m24s: Zone 4, 107 pop, 9.3s RC with Z3/4. 1h15m26s: Zone 5, 120 pop, 8.2s RC with Z3/4.
"What is that?" the human asks. He has three scientists. His first does all the writing, but the other two can actually speak. One of them hops up on a rock spire beside the human to reach his eye level.
At the next ridge line, over the lowest and most passable gap in the terrain, this really mean looking hovering sausage monster.
"I dunno," the scientist trimp shrugs, "But it's making me hungry. Looks like a perfectly cooked frankfurter from here." [John Morell's dubious dirigibles.]
"Oh, yeah," the human nods, "that's a blimp."
"A blimp?" the trimp tilts its head quizzically at the human, "How could you know?"
"I wish I could tell you, little buddy," the human extends his arm braces to descend the pass on the side of the zone boundary in the boss enemy's direction, then grunts, "Let's go kill it."
1h16m11s: Z1c9, 120 pop, 10.3s RC with Z4/5. 1h33m34s: Zone 6, 151 pop, 7.4s RC with Z4/5.
1h33m54s: TP in Z1c3.
"What's this?" the human asks, having picked up the little square document with the curling corners.
"Oh," the hungry scientist looks at it, "It's a garden path, follow me."
"You want to lead me down the garden path?" the human says.
"Yeah," the scientist says.
"Are you kidding?" the human asks.
"No," says the other scientist, "We don't get human humor. Listen, these fighters can't go, let them wear themselves out here, then we'll take the next group through this garden."
"Okay," the human nods, watching two more trimps join the fray as he issues the Z5 coordination orders, "they're doing pretty well after all that block training research we just wrapped up." [That's a common artifact, even in normal games, Z5 Traintacular combines with many gyms, enough population to add several trainers, affording Blockmaster, which is expensive on a run zero, plus a break on Tion Z5, a 40% all-stat increase. I don't think Zach designed it into the game on purpose, it just worked out this way.]
1h34m07s: 151 pop, 10.5s RC with Z5/7. 1h37m44s: Drop from Z6c39, TP for 3.
"Now we have these access map frags we can use to route through the old trimpopoli," the scientist explains, "Atlimpis for food, Morimpa for gems, Everimp for metal, and Impazon for wood."
"What about the garden?" the human asks.
"Well, we got lucky with Tricky Paradise," the scientist says, "but you can randomize the route and maybe get lucky. What's with that look?"
"Somehow, I'm remembering 'frag' as something that blew up with deadly pieces," the human says. [Different video games - ones with better graphics and worse gameplay Ｏ(>▽<)Ｏ]
1h39m59s: Blues back up to the top on series I...
"Tai, Tai!" the first ever trimp scientist stops the human just before he upgrades the mace and dagger to Mk.6 and Mk. 8 respectively. It has a note for him.
"Why do you keep calling me that?" the human asks, "Do you think that's my name?"
"Shijou, Shijou," it nods as though to indicate, I KNOW it is. Then it proffers its note again. The human takes it and reads, "Don't upgrade the first row equipment right now."
"Why not?" the human asks.
"Shijou," it points at the end of the mapped route, where there's a scroll sticking out of the thistles.
2h24m07s: Zone 8, 224 pop, 12.2s RC with Z7/12.
"Your settlement is getting crowded, there's Trimps in the streets, and you're taking heat. You feel a sudden strong desire to create a map, though you're not quite sure how that would help."
2h49m10s: Zone 9, 357 pop, 9.5s RC with Z8/15.
"You can't shake the feeling that you've been here before. Déjà-vu?"
The trimps really seem to like the new high capacity mansions, and the village has rapidly expanded since they started building them.
"There's something familiar about this," the human says.
"Tai," the grey one that writes clings to his arm and shows him a note that says, "Don't give up now."
"We must persist," says the yellow one has found a foothold it can grab onto and grabs the human's shoulder gently, "If you give up to early, we'll never solve this. You'll be stuck here forever."
The human puts his hand over the trimp's paw on his shoulders, then looks at him, "I can die, too."
"No, you can't," the trimp says quietly, "Please don't test that, tall one."
"Death is just another path..." he remembers.
"Gan," the grey one squeaks. [That's the first two kana syllables of "Gandalf"]
"...one that we all must take," the human continues, "The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it-"
"A green mist," the yellow trimp interrupts, "flash of fire, we're all gone and our progress forgotten. The wandering stars return to that day, and you again crash that ship- ...a little better every time."
"Wait," the human looks around, "have I been here before?"
"I-" the yellow trimp tries in futility to share what little it knows, "...or... somebody got just a little coolant into the-"
"Into the what?"
"This side up," the grey one's note says.
"Into the that," the yellow one points at the note, "It really helped. You- ...I don't think we've ever had mansions before."
Well, of course they didn't have mansions before. That was one of my ship's data cards. How did it get way out here? Will anything start to make sense?
3h02m13s: Zone 10, 387 pop, 8.7s RC with Z8/15; '28s: 11.1s RC with Z9/19. 3h16m41s: Tough snimp after food book, L10 rand dept from lo-hi-med 118/25/96, 4 Items.
"That's twice our frags led us to gem-rich Moria," the human says.
"Morimpa," the new red trimp scientist corrects, there now being 5 scientists. [There'd be more if there were more turkimp.]
"The question is how do we use all these gems?" the human looks at the village zoning plans again, "I like those mansions and all, but they use hardly any gems compared to, well-" he gestures at the pile of over two dozen thousand gems they've gathered, "-that! And still a lot of wood and lumber."
"I think there's something," the yellow one sighs, "I wish I knew more."
Quite some time later, after they're done looting that route for equipment plans, the trimps are again advancing through Zone 10, and he hears it.
"Tai?" the grey one wonders.
"Where are you going?" the yellow one asks.
"To the farm," the human answers.
"Whatever for?" the red one seems exasperated.
"Shijou?" the grey one sighs, then looks at the fighting front. It's been around long enough to remember, "Shijou!"
"You guys already get so much to eat this doesn't do you much good," the human explains.
3h32m33s: L11 112/35/78 rand sea, dropped from Z11c6 with disband, 4.
"What's wrong?" the red one asks.
The human comforts one of the wounded. Once trimps start into a zone fight, they have to finish before they bleed out. He's really bothered making them desert in front of that second turkimp. "They had a lot left in them," he sighs, rubbing his eyes, "but we can't keep that much dead turkimp at once, we have to leave it alive to use up all of this one."
"Shijou," the grey one presents a note, "We need this map right away, anyway. Don't worry about it, Tightniks."
"Tightniks?" he looks at the grey one, "Is that me? How do you know?"
"Tai," the grey one points at the top of the human's left breast pocket.
"Ah, crud," the yellow one curls its tail around in front of itself as trimps do when they're embarrassed, "Is that really a name tag?"
The human hadn't even noticed it since the green flash blew up his memory as he was stepping out of the ship.
4h04m22s: Block (sub-8h AP is only 0.3%), taking it, 504 pop, 9.8s RC with Z10/24.
It's a pretty thick book about using shields for block instead of hit points. The pad has the stats analysis. Sh3-1 is only giving us 9% of our hit points. Turning to his trimp scientists, he says, "It seems to me to be worth it."
"Let's," the yellow one nods.
"Shijou," it hands him a note, "It scales badly, but that won't matter for a long time. I think there's a way to undo it before it matters."
"Doing it." The human takes out his pad and starts scanning.
4h29m05s: L14 rand moun 137/26/80 is really good for a lo-hi-med. 4h30m52s: Hotels.
"Ah," the yellow one says, "I knew there was something. That must be it."
5h08m09s: L15 lo-hi-hi rand gard 129/28/82 (just got explorers). 5h09m32s: Picked up Wall.
"Dam," the human says.
"Damn?" the red one chuckles.
"No," the human says, "Earthen wall dam; it's a thing that makes artificial lakes by holding rivers back."
"Lakes?" the yellow one asks, "Rivers?"
"Oh yeah," the human says, "This planet doesn't have enough rain for those..."
5h48m21: Leaving Wall from about c70 to fetch Tion Z15.
"You can't resume the map from the same point if you start another," the human reads the grey one's note.
"We can go back to the same point on that route if we hold there and finish Zone 15, right?" Tightniks asks.
"Shijou!" it seems to be saying yes.
"Yes," the yellow one adds, "but we're out of Series III upgrades, and you need a fresh map route to start up Series IV."
"We should be okay," Tightniks says, "but if we have to start it over, I don't see that being a big deal." As they advance through the rest of Zone 15, Tightniks resumes his usual duties at the research desk instead building and running traps like he was before.
The trimps seem hopeful at this decision.
5h49m10s: Fresh turkimp. 5h50m16s: Zone 16, 1071 pop, 13.4s RC with Z15/75, 13m43s turkimp (skel in c1.)
"Z:16 Seriously? Another Blimp so soon?"
"So," Tightniks lowers his bee nickels and looks at the red one, "is it going to be boss fights at the end of every zone from now on?"
"Hmm," the red trimp looks up past the human at some random rock spire or cloud.
"Well?" the human persists.
"Yup," he says.
"Hmph," Tightniks grabs a Sw3-1 of the rack and advances towards the front, "Before then, we have another Mister Titanium."
"What does he like about skeletimps?" the red one asks the grey one as the human marches off.
"Shijou?" the grey one seems just as confused by that.
"He's not going back to the ship, and he's not getting himself killed," the yellow one smiles, "so I'll take it."
5h58m32s...
"Hey guys, go for the mortar!" the human suggests to his 75 fighting trimps in the Wall's boss fight.
"I can tell from your bedtime stories that you're used to the artillery in that other place," the yellow one gripes, "but fighting works differently here, there's no artillery."
And the human instantly collapses laughing, the scientists a little worried he might have injured himself in the planet's severe gravity. But he's okay, at least physically, "Mortar is the stuff between the bricks, fellas. That's is a brickimp, right?"
5h59m18s: Wall, 1076 pop, 13.3s RC, 1% AP for sub-8h finish, first L16 roll good 156/35/84 moun, 10 for the metal.
Beyond the Wall was a more edenic section of the trimpolis ruins, doubling the production of the lumberjacks. The trimps are actually really happy with the mode of all of the laborers moving between the three big jobs, along with the turkimp, except for the foremen specialized at leading the job. It isn't enough to boost their productivity, but the human goes to them with trays of sandwiches.
6h06m52s: 50 map run 0.3% AP...
6h19m13s: Zone 17, 1141 pop, 16.0s RC with Z16/94, no turkimp.
"Z:17 You climb a large cliff and look out over the new Zone. Red dirt, scorched ground, and devastation. Is that a Dragimp flying around out there?!"
"Hmm," the human surveys the new zone with his bee nickels, "Looks like crap. Any ideas?"
"You're the idea man," the yellow one groans.
"Set the map flag," he puts his bee nickels away, "We'll run a depth for practice and to load up on gems for more hotels."
"Righto," the red one gets to work.
6h44m34s: First DCP. (Draglimp Care Package; I refuse to call it a tribute.)
"Oh," the human says, "It's tame now, so it brings back gems in exchange for food?" He looks at his gaping scientists, "That's what it looks like, huh? Guys? Yo!"
"Tai..." the grey one sighs.
Draglimp, the dragimp imprinted on Tightniks, lands beside the human, drops some gems at his feet, and accepts some scratching behind its horns before diving into the food bowl.
"You tamed a dragimp???" Grey's note says.
"Well," the yellow one huffs, "I guess that happened."
8h18m53s: L20 depth of 154/27/79.
"Mapping up here?" the red one half closes one eye and tilts his head.
"Yeah," the human says while fitting together the depth map fragments, "With the coordination book not right at the end, we have an extra mark of coordination to take advantage of. Let's take our housing up to 2000 or so, shall we?"
"Okay," the yellow one says from a pile of logs, "What's all the wood for?" They had been collecting it for days now.
"The series upgrades follow a rather specific pattern," Tightniks explains, "Just on the other side of this blimp is Zone 21, where we should be able to find the Shield series V, right?"
"Shijou!" the grey one nods.
8h56m17s: 1% AP for 100 map runs, leaving it, 1751 pop, 24.8s RC with Z20/232. 8h56m54s: Zone 21...
"Ooooookay," Tightniks growls, "There is something off about this thing."
"Shijou?" the grey one looks at the yellow one with concern about their human starship pilot friend.
The human stoops, picks up the little green gem on the ridge between Zone 20 and 21, looks at it, huffs, and asks, "Any idea where this comes from?"
"Err..." the red one seems hesitant to say, "I think you made it."
"Really?" the human huffs, "How could that be?" Then he tosses it at Red, "See if anything reacts to it. It might be radioactive, so we should take turns to minimize exposure."
"Really?" Red's holding it now, "What makes you say that?"
"Because I'm pissed off for no reason I can figure out," the human says, "I think it's coming from that."
"Frags," the red one says quickly, "I think it's arranging a route. You're good with maps," it tosses the gem to the grey scientist.
"Shijou," the grey one says hopefully, and has a map drawn within a few minutes. [Whether it looks like the one in Puchim@s 1x61 is anyone's guess. That one annoyed me as well as Chihya.]
9h02m37s: L21 moun first roll was a decent 160/26/84. 9h21m00s: Starting run 5 of that map...
Tightniks had taken his anger out on some food and wood to build about 8000 traps. Now he's leaning against a rock spire in his increasingly tattered uniform. A nap begins, perhaps unintentionally.
Wild trimps are examining the pile, finding it unwelcoming, and also finding no place in the town, just mill about. It looks like they want to help.
"Ku?" it's a blue trimp, probably a farmer waiting for stuff to grow, climbs up on the rock spire the human is leaning against, starts patting him on the head, "Ku. Ku ku." [Puchim@s Chihya.]
9h23m09s: Still working that lap...
Tightniks wakes up from that nap, and the grey one is standing there. "Shijou," it says with a note of concern, although not much of one. The note it holds says, "It wasn't me."
"Oh, what wasn't you, buddy?" He stretches out a bit, feeling somewhat refreshed. It feels like somebody washed his face and hair while he was sleeping.
The grey one is also holding a small mirror, apparently broken off from a larger mirror and with the sharp edges filed down to make the edges safe.
The human takes it from the grey trimp and holds it in front of his face to discover that somebody has bound up all his hair into about twenty little pigtails. He touches them with his other hand to confirm. "Eh, whatever." He hands the mirror back and goes back to sleep. [Puchim@s Koamimami.]
9h30m08s: The following run...
"He's not throwing stuff every which way yet," the yellow one whispers to the red one, watching the human snoozing with his pad on his knee.
"You remember that, too?" the red one asks.
"'Remember'?" the yellow one turns to face the red one, "I s'pose that's better than imagining it."
"I remember it, too," the grey one says via a playing card sized note.
"If we're stuck in a time loop," the yellow one sighs, "maybe this cycle will be different."
"Tai..." the grey one admires him for a moment. Then thumbs in the direction of the mountain, "Heh, Shijou!" it laughs.
9h35m58s: Run 8, c9 of that map.
The scientists nap and take notes, and meditate and take notes, and draw stuff. The grey one often storyboards for the other nine because it's the best at drawing stuff. They have come up with a list, and most probably "order" (they're debating whether their ranking means "order" (sequence of things happening over the various loops) or "frequency" (what proportion of previous loops they have happened in). But they've come up with this, from first (or perhaps most often) to most recent (or perhaps least often):
- The ship crashes (they're pretty sure that happens every loop) - The human builds huts - The human teaches some of his trimps to speak and do science - The human builds houses - The human makes maps - The human builds mansions - The human blows up and gets himself killed somewhere around Z17 to Z21, often on a dragimp - The human only recently/occasionally builds hotels - The human only recently/rarely tamed a dragimp - The human only recently/rarely maps the Dimension of Anger
They're all agreed that that they have never finished the Dimension of Anger. What they are not all agreed on is that they've never done this conference to figure out whether they're in a time loop or what that might mean. [See also Star Trek: The Next Generation episode "Cause and Effect" ...which was sort of a time loop but they weren't going back in time. It's very interesting, but its meta makes no sense - no one ever went looking for the Bozeman in 80 years? No one who went looking for the Bozeman also got stuck? No one noticed the passage of time outside the little area of space where the not-quite-a-time-loop was happening? Errr... sci-fi writers, don't be half-assed about your time loops, lmao! Be like Harold Ramis- ...what am I saying?? (That would be Groundhog Day, which grafted a time loop into a romcom; there are no other sci-fi elements. But it was a full-blown time loop and not half-assed like "Cause and Effect".)]
9h54m06s: Dropped from Z21c95...
I think it would be a bad idea to bypass that green area, as much as I'd rather not face it. Both his domesticated trimps, which are breeding up a new group of fighters, and the wild trimps he has decided just now not to open the traps for, stare at him and point in that direction. He shoulders a huge Shield V-3 and grabs an Mace IV-2 as well and announces, "We're doing it." Thus equipped, he marches off into the Dimension of Anger.
10h27m53s: Taking Pi4-2; recently had taken Pa4-2...
The group at the front had expired, and the snimp in DoAc95 glares at the advancing colony of trimps, which had halted only because of it. It refuses to counterattack the vulnerable colony and its human, instead snorting and huffing, waiting for the next bunch of 232 fighting trimps to come in range.
Tightniks runs along the line of traps, releasing the recently tamed trimps, singing a song that he doesn't remember the meaning of, that he doesn't remember was crafted by an ethnically Chinese guy out of an African language, and later mastered by two caucasians over the internet before they ever met in person. "Baba yetu yetu uliye, mbinguni yetu yetu amina..." because it just happened to be stuck in his head. [Because the Doylian author decided on a whim to. Christopher Tin got it into Civilization IV and at the time (2010 July), I made the best video for it on YouTube, which got subsequently blown to shreds when Peter Hollens and Malukah re-recorded the song from scratch in their own voices and instruments in 2014, pity with no English translation, the purpose of my video.]
Noticing the last batch of metal he needs coming out of the furnace, he waves the waiting grey scientist to fire up the forge [to use the term properly and not as the game does], for it was time to wrap up the forging dies for the Spetum IV, Mark 2 pike heads.
"Shijou!" the grey one cheers, setting aside a snack that looks like maybe ramen, and starts jumping up and down on the bellows handle.
It takes a while for the human to chip out the tip in the two halves of the forging die, and then polish it, and then heat it up in the forge, and then quench it, inspect it, and put it into service crafting thousands of new pike heads for the fighting trimps.
But only one second passed on the map frame clock (10h27m54s) four cells behind that snimp, in the case being brooded over by this huge, and if it's honest, rather concerned megablimp.
10h35m45: Portal PB, 45 He, 4.247 He/hr, 1891 pop, 22.7s RC with Z20/232, no turkimp.
The last head of the map's boss monster goes limp as one of the fighting trimps' mace heads bounces of it, and the huge thing settles on its tail, resting on the package that seems to be the prize of this map. And there's a popping sound, and then something mechanical.
Is that a scroll compressor? Tightniks looks at the package. The deflating monster's lifting envelope material drapes over everything underneath it. "Red, Shijou!" he snaps and points, "roll up that side of it. Keep this part from sucking down on the extractor nozzle!"
All ten of the scientists jump in, literally, pushing the gas in the bag towards the compressor. Tightniks as well, rolling up the front.
Until he kicks, and nearly trips over, a smaller package that might be the explanation for the reason why the center of the monster's defense seemed to be a little away from the big package he could see. It's in the right place, he realizes. He gets it uncovered and reads stenciled-and-sprayed block letters on it:
"DT TIME PORTAL / THIS SIDE DOWN"
Perhaps the Dimension of Anger is so named because of the rage suddenly rising up in Tightniks' throat. It isn't so much as the free-floating aggression suddenly has an answer, there is definitely a fresh batch of rage and anger as he grips the nearest Mace IV, Mark 3 with both hands and gets it over his shoulder, its target obviously this object, anger at the realization he screams at the top of his lungs, "We are stuck in a mutha FAH-king time loop!!" His swing begins. [Tightniks almost never cusses, unlike Snugniks.]

Before we start, I want to make one thing clear: I am in no capacity a new player. I have been playing Dragon Raja for over 4 years, about a year or less after its release, and when there were the only 4 OG classes.
Now, I'm a major Raja fan. It's been my favorite game for the almost half a decade. However, so many things have changed that make me feel that I wasted those 4 years... that I could have played a different game altogether. So, I'll just get into the list:

1. Mostly Centered Around P2W/Favoring Whales
   • Dragon Raja makes so many things require a payment of real life currency, otherwise, you don't get the same or even similar playstyle as a paid player. Almost everything revolves around paying, and very little is actually free much. You can literally tell who is a whale just by looking at them - no joke.
2. False Advertising (??)
   • A bunch of dresses say "Participate in Total Top-Up to Redeem". Guess how much money you actually have to put into top up to get these outfits? $100. Thats right, real money. If your seriously thinking about spending that much for a digital dress, please invest it or do anything else with it. Please.
3. Laziness on CS Fairness
   • If you've played Tide of God, Snowmoon BG, or Day of Liberty, you know how hard it gets after level 140, with a bunch of whales spawn killing you. And guess what? They have too much of an advantage, so much so they ONE TAP you. They just rack up kill after kill and make people hate the game, and it's genuinely annoying. No level fairness, nothing.
4. Storyline Fragmentation
   • Why is the storyline more fragmented than a frag grenade? Why the hell am I jumping from Johann Chu on a mission, on some ship, to him disappearing out of existence?
5. Insanely Hard to Level Up
   • Someone has to explain to me why it takes so STUPIDLY long to level up to DO A STORY. I can beat the enemies anyway, why the hell do I have to be level 190 when the enemies are only level 185?

That's all my rant has, add what you think is wrong, or dispute my ideas, I'm human too though, so please note that even I make mistakes.
Take care :D

So a year and a half ago I got midly tortured by satanists. And I say only midly because a guy I met during it was going through so, so much worse than me. Though it was still enough to make me go completely insane and it took months to recover. Any way during the torture I had passed out and an angel came to me in a dream in tears barely being able to get out the worlds "please come with me" with her hand out stretched. It was complete darkness in the dream except for a tunnel of light the angle was reaching out to me from. I hesitated thinking of my family, and how I needed to protect them and make sure they follow the right path. In that hesitation the dream ended and I went back to my torture. When the Satanists found me I was only beginning my faith. I knew pretty much nothing but had a good heart. I didn't have years of Christian imagery in my subconscious. I find it weird i passed out to see an angel then woke back up when I decided not to go with her. What do you guys think happened? For a while I thought it was the rapture coincidentally timed and i was one of the few being sparred. But then again i hear no stories of there being many deaths in sleep around that time at the very traditional church i am now going to.