Elite pain arrest

TW: Alcoholism, drug addiction, violence, suicidal ideation, sex abuse
This is going to be a LLLLLOOONNNNGGGGG one. This story goes back quite a way, but yesterday was the tenth anniversary of the ending to this story and I'm feeling it, still got some guilt about everything that happened, wondering what I could have done differently and I just want to vent it out and hope to get some closure from it.
This story started in 2010.
Characters in this story (names are fake, duh!):

• Me, Guy, 32M at the time, 45 now.
• My BFF Stephanie, 33F at the time.
• Stephen, 40M at the time, Stephanie's boyfriend.
• Maryse, 27F at the time.

Background and intro
I had known Stephanie for many years and we had the kind of friendship that made her BFs and my GFs uncomfortable to put it lightly. We had never crossed that boundary and I wouldn't consider us in the friendzone, we were just friend, but the kind of friend where she would sit on my lap with her arms around my neck or her head on my shoulder.
At the start of 2010, Stephanie met her then boyfriend, Stephen. He tolerated me and my friendship with Stephanie because I also had a gf back then. She liked Stephanie, wasn't at all jealous of my friendship with her, so he didn't deem me too suspicious. Then my gf and I broke up for reasons unimportant and all hell broke loose for Stephen. He became convinced that I would try and steal Stephanie from him. He insisted that Stephanie introduce me to her female friends or female friends of his. Thus began what I called the year of the 50 blind dates. It was probably closer to 20, but still I like saying the year of 50 blind dates. Most of them were unremarkable and never went beyond the first date. There are some fun stories in there if anyone wants to hear them eventually!
In July of that year, I had to switch gears because I had to focus up and study for a professional exam for a certification important to my career. This exam required close to 600-800 hours of study over a 3-4 month period. So I hunkered down, told Stephanie to stop the blind dates for now because I had to focus on that. She respected my wishes and, other a text here or there, we went low contact for the last two months before the exam.
Except for one fateful night in September. Her birthday was in September and she always threw these big bashes at her house. She would throw a big pool party that started around noon and would go on to the wee hours of the morning. I knew she would harass me to go to her party, so I made some quick math and figured I would lose more energy and time trying to dodge her calls, texts and most likely visits at my place than by just going to the party itself. So when she called me to ask, I just said: "Okay I'll go to your damn party, now git." I texted her I would get there in the evening probably around 8. She texted back "Great, can't wait. Now study, bitch!"
So I ultimately get there around 8PM. Basically everybody is already drunk off their gourd. Stephanie sees me, squeals in excitement and runs to me in her bikini and just jumps in the air and slams into me, wraps her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist and gives me a big hug. I hug her back and just keep walking back to the pool where she had started, carrying her with me. I just duck my head around hers and say hi to Stephen, who just glares at me.
She drops back down and I give her her gift. We chat for a few seconds and says "There's beer in the fridge and food in the dining room." I told her I'd be right back.
I go inside and grab a beer from the fridge. I head to the dining room and the table is against the wall with a buffet of sandwiches, tomato pizza, salads, etc. I grab a plate and start putting food on it. I was focused on the task because I was starving. I barely noticed, sitting at the end of the table one of the most stunning woman I have ever seen. I just see her in my peripheral vision and I do a quick double take, quick glance at her and back to the food. I do that a second time. And finally a third time. At that point she is just straight up staring at me and I can't help but chuckle and whisper under my breath "Subtle Guy, sub-tle".
Thankfully she starts laughing too, saving me some embarassment. I look at her and greet her. She says "Hi, I'm Maryse and I'm guessing you're Guy?" I just nod and we start talking. At that point, I just thought I have no shot with her, she's so far out of my league that I'm just gonna talk to her until she sees one of the "models" hanging out by the pool and ditches me for him.
So I'm not feeling like I'm playing for anything, so I'm just myself and not nervous, just talking to her as I would any friend. We chat and she laughs at all my jokes, she gets all my cultural references. She never gets up or ditches me. The plate of food I had made and the beer I had gotten are sitting on the table next to me untouched, I was too busy with the convo to think about food or beer anymore.
After what felt like only 20-30 minutes, Stephanie comes in and tells me, fake grumpy: "So that's where you disappeared to. I invite my best friend to a party and he spends the whole night talking to someone else." I laugh and go: "What do you mean the whole night? I haven't been here that long." She says "Dude, it's 2AM. You've been here for 6 hours..." My jaw dropped and I just said: "Wow, time flies when you're having fun." Maryse chimes in, with a big smile: "It sure does!" That made me happy as you can imagine.
Now I was a little stuck because where Stephanie lived, there's no night service for the bus and the subway had been closed for an hour or so. I figured I would cab it. So I turn to Maryse and tell her: "It was absolutely lovely to meet you and I enjoyed our conversation very much." She says that she did too. I continued with "At the moment, my schedule is incredibly hectic. I'm basically working full-time, studying full-time and sleeping part-time. So I don't have a lot of free time, but if she was interested, whatever little free time I had, I would love to call her or text her to keep on getting to know her."
I see Stephanie in the backgroudnd, looking like a proud mama at how smooth that came out, knowing I was always anything but smooth with women, as proven by the string of blind dates! Maryse has a big smile and we exchange numbers. I go to Stephanie to wish her a happy birthday again. While I'm talking to her, my phone buzzes with a text from Maryse: "Just checking!"
I asked Stephanie "What's the best cab company to call in this area?" Maryse chimes in: "Where do you live?" I tell her where I lived and she goes "It's on the way to where I live, I can give you a ride if you want." Stephanie raised an eyebrow in surprise. I learned later, she did it because it absolutely was not on the way to her place, like, at all. I say that I would love that as it would give us a chance to keep talking.
We get in her car, driving to my place. We talk, she asks me what I'm studying as I hadn't mentioned it earlier. I tell her all about the boring maths I had to study. Much too quickly, we get to my place. She parks in front of my building and we keep talking. At some point, I tell her: "Normally, this is where I would try to "trick" you into coming up to my place..." She interrupts me: "You wouldn't need to trick me. I'm willing and able!"
I tell her that "As tempting as that sounds, I know who I am and I know that if you come up and things proceed to where they're going, I'm not going to be able to study for the rest of the month. I have a kind of obsessive mind and when I find someone or something I like, I can push everything else to the side in favor of that. So to make sure I can still focus on my studying, I have to go up by myself."
She looks at me, a little disappointed but then says, half-jokingly: "We don't have to go up, there's a backseat right there!" We laugh and I give her a kiss and wish her a good night. I managed to stay strong and go back to my condo. Damn it, why did I have to stay strong!!!
My exam was at the beginning of november. During the month of october, we texted a bunch of times and talked on the phone. We went for coffee a couple of times and dinner once. She respected my boundaries and never pushed for more, which I appreciated but also hated at the same time, if that makes sense. The exam came and it was a monster of a Friday. I slept for basically 18 hours after the exam as the adrenalin dropped and my system crashed.
I texted her when I woke up at around 1PM. She was working at the clothing store Stephanie owned. She said "I'm off at 5PM, wanna meet me." I said: "Duh! Why do you think I'm texting? ;)" So I met her at the store downtown. I asked if she wanted to grab a drink, go for dinner, or what. She proposed going to her place and getting some take out. Stephanie who was closing the store at that moment, came up to us and said: "Hey, so what are we doing?" I said: "WE, that is Maryse and I, are going to her place and getting some takeout. Bye!" I'm sure you'll understand when I tell you that no food was ever ordered that night!
Thus followed a whirlwind month of November where any free time we had was spent together, and I wasn't going to complain!
The troubles
By the start of december, things were still going great with us. One saturday night, we were having dinner at a restaurant and I mention that this coming Friday is my office Christmas party, that it's employees only, so we wouln't see each other that night. She tells me: "Oh sure, that's fine! It'll give me a chance to go see some girlfriends I've been neglecting lately." I said "Great! BTW I also got us a reservation at [this great restaurant she had mentioned a few times] for next Saturday, so we could go there and I'll tell you all about my party and you can tell me all about her night with the girls!"
That was settled, I thought. I was wrong. On Thursday, we had spent the evening together at her place and I was about to leave to go back to my place. She tells me: "So are you coming to meet me at the store tomorrow or do I go to your place?" I reminded her: "Neither, tomorrow is my office Christmas party and we won't see each other tomorrow." She said: "Oh right, I forgot." I asked her if she had made plans with her friends like she had mentioned last saturday. She said that they were all busy tomorrow and weren't available.
She suggested "If your party is boring, maybe you could come meet me." I retorted that it wasn't going to be, knowing who was going to be there.
"Yeah but what if?"
"But it won't"
"But what IFFFFFF?" she kept insisting and I kept saying no. After what felt like 30 minutes of that (probably only 2-3 minutes in reality), I had enough and just said to end the argument: "Okay, if it's boring, I'll come. but it won't be." She said: "Cool" with a big smile on her face. I came to learn that that smile meant "Challenge accepted".
The following night, my colleague and I were pregaming in a conference room before leaving for the party proper and my phone buzzes. Maryse was wishing me a good party. I replied. She texted me again. I replied. She texted again, but I was in a conversation with a colleague so I didn't reply or even look at the phone. My phone buzzes again. Still talking, and didn't want to be rude to my colleague. Another buzz. I just kept talking. Phone buzzes differently, she was now calling because I hadn't answered her texts.
"Why aren't you replying to my texts?"
"Hey, sorry, was talking to my colleague Patrick."
"What? you don't want to talk to me?"
"I am talking to you now."
"Why didn't you reply to my texts?"
"Because it would have been rude to my colleague to pull my phone out while talking to him."
"But you're talking to me now."
"Because I thought something was wrong, maybe it was an emergency."
"I wanted to talk to you, that's all."
"Well, gotta go back to the party. Talk to you later."
She kept texting and if I didn't reply right away, she would call after two or three missed texts. After about 2 hours of this, I stopped answering the texts. When she called back, I asked her: "Aren't you supposed to be working?" which started another round of guilt-tripping of "why are you asking me this? you don't want to talk to me?" At that point I had had enough and wanted to enjoy my party. I remembered that the Blackberry (no shaming old tech!) I had had an annoying feature, but I was hoping to put it to good use at that moment.
Whenever the battery would get really low, like less than 1%, it would let out an ear-piercing BEEP for about 3 seconds, reminiding you to charge it and giving you a heart attack all at the same time. It would do that even when you were in silent mode. It had happened a few days earlier when I was with Maryse. I figured, if I press a button on the Blackberry, it would make a beep too that could be heard through the phone. So while I was talking to Maryse, I pressed my thumb on the space bar for a good 3 seconds and sputtered; "what... the .... what?" trying to put on a somewhat believable performance.
She asked what that noise was and I tell her that it was my blackberry letting me know I was low battery and it might shut off any second. I told her "Listen I'm gonna wish you a good night, I'm having a good time at my party so I'll see you tomorrow at 5PM to go spend our evening together. I hope you have a good....." and hung up mid-sentence. I promptly shut my phone off and went back to the party. I concede that I may be a bit of an AH for that move.
The party was great, I got drunk much quicker than I expected owing to the fact that I hadn't had a drink in over two months because Maryse didn't drink so I didn't either when we were together, and we were always together. At 1AM, I went home and passed out on my bed.
This is another place where I may have been an AH. I didn't turn my cell phone back on and I unplugged my home line too, because I wanted to sleep the deep sleep of the drunkard. I woke up at around 1:30 PM, not knowing it was already too late. In my mind, I was meeting Maryse at 5PM to go out on the town that night. Maryse had other ideas as you'll see.
So like I said, I woke up at 1:30PM and was sticky with alcohol sweat, so I went straight for the shower to get clean again. While in the shower, my stomach grumbled with hunger and I started daydreaming of bacon and eggs. That pushed me out of the shower right quick. I dried myself off quickly, tied the towel around my waist and went to the fridge. No bacon.... booo. Looked at the egg compartment... no eggs... booo again. Okay then, how about a cream cheese bagel. No cream cheese, damn it. Look in the pantry, no bagels.... god. I was starting to get angry. Okay, cereals then. I pick up the cereal box, that mofo was empty and I get mad: "who's the idiot who puts the empty box back in the pantry?" I remembered I live alone.
I close the fridge dejected and see the grocery list stuck on the fridge, taunting me with everything I wanted to eat for breakfast written on it. But I felt like if I went to the grocery store hungry as I Was, I'm just gonna pay 600$ and not get one single healthy thing to eat. I then remembered there's a restaurant next to the grocery store that serves breakfast until 3PM. I get excited! I get dressed quickly, grab my wallet and keys, put my boots on, my coat on, wrap my scarf, my tuque and my gloves and go to the restaurant. If you notice, I didn't mention my phone in there.
I get to the restaurant and confirm that they still have breakfast and get even more excited when she confirms it. I order the "heart attack", at least that's how I nicknamed it: 3 eggs, 3 servings of bacon, 2 sausages, and, I guess to give one peace of mind, fruit (or to be precise, one single solitary slice of orange). Now that the food is ordered and coming I figured I would check if I have any messages. I pat the pocket where my phone always is. No phone. uh-oh. I start clutching evert pocket, no luck.
I wonder if I should go back home after the meal before going to the grocery store and decide against it, it would be too long a detour. So I scarf my breakfast down, rush through the grocery store. I get home and set my bags down in front of the fridge. I go pick up my blackberry. I turn it back on. The little tape icon tells me there are messages on my voicemail, at that time there were no red dots with a number in it to tell you how many.
I connect to the voicemail while starting to put the groceries away. The little automated voice tells me "You have 25 new messages." I pull the phone away from my ear, look at it in disbelief as if saying: "are you f'ing kidding me?" So I press 1 to start playing the messages.
Remember: Maryse knew I was at a party with a dead phone, no chargers and I probably wouldn't get home until 1AM. From 6:30PM, when my phone died, to 11:34 PM, when she went to sleep she left me 9 messages. BTW I know she went to sleep at 11:34PM because she left me a message saying "it's 11:34PM and I'm going to bed. Thinking of you." The 9 messages were in the same vein. These are the salient details, but the messages were all much longer.
She woke up at 7:15 the following day, I'll let you guess how I know that tidbit of information! She left me 5 more messages like those from the day before: 7:15 woke up. 7:35 going to take a shower. 7:55 out of the shower. 8:25 getting ready to leave for work 8:50 walking out of the subway to go to the store.
She leaves me another message at 9 that was different. She sounded very excited as if she had had the best idea in the world: "Hey it's 9AM, I'm about to start my shift. I know we're only supposed to meet after my shift, but what if you came and met me for lunch so you could tell me all about your party." I just did my best Scooby-Doo "Ruh-Roh" and chuckled that I blew that, not thinking the calamity that was awaiting me.
Another couple of messages to talk logistics: "I could take my lunch at 12 or 12:30, let me know which you prefer." "I'm taking my lunch at 12:30"
A slightly worried message: "It's 11:15 and you stil have not said if you were coming or not, are you okay?"
The first bomb goes off and I knew I was in trouble then: "Where are you? We're supposed to meet for lunch and you still haven't given me any sign of life, you're not answering your home phone either, what happened?" Reminder: we were not supposed to meet for lunch, she suggested doing so a couple of hours earlier and I never agreed to anything. I guess she told her colleagues I would meet her for lunch and it was now fact and could perhaps make her look bad in front of her colleagues.
The second bomb drops: "It's almost noon now, WHERE ARE YOU? Stephanie says you're probably sleeping off your drunk, but I don't believe her. I'm sure you got yourself a slut and cheated on me. Didn't you? didn't you, you asshole." Stephanie knows me very well, but that wasn't enough for Maryse it seems.
Ensued four more messages from 12:30 to 1:15, where she starts sounding more and more drunk and accusatory, spewing more attacks like in the message above. At that point I already knew it was over, there was no coming back from that. I can understand having trust issues, but that was nuclear. I don't tolerate jealousy because of horrible experiences with a couple of jealous toxic exes.
A final message comes in, and it's a different voice, that of my best friend being more than a little angry: "Hey Guy, listen, Maryse tells me you had a Christmas party yesterday, so I'm guessing you're sleeping off your drunk, still. But call me when you get this. I put Maryse, who's f'ing drunk, in the backstore so she can dry off and "do inventory". She can't be on the sales floor obviously and I just don't feel safe sending her home in the state she's in. Call me to tell me how you want to handle this."
At that point I had finished putting away my groceries and had put my boots and my coat on and was making my way to the subway to go to the store. I call Stephanie and tell her I got the messages and I was coming. She was right, I was sleeping off my drunk and had just woke up (didn't feel the need to mention the breakfast and grocery store). I ask her if she knows what I'm gonna do when I get there. She says that she knows and understands. She knows my bad history.
When I get out of the subway, I call her again before getting to the store. I ask her how she wants me to do this. It's her store and I don't want to create drama in front of her customers. Does she want me to wait outside and she tells Maryse to meet me in the street or do I go in the store and she takes me to the backstore and I do it there? She says to come to the store.
I walk in the store and every saleswomen on the floor looks at me and gives me the biggest case of the stink-eye. They only have Maryse's side of the story, so they think I did all these horrible things. I see Stephanie in the middle of the store and I walk towards her. She shakes her head and points me towards the cash register. I look over there and see Julia, a salesperson that I've known for a couple of years and really like, who also happens to be the biggest gossip in the store. I understand what Stephanie is trying to do. She's gonna make me tell her my story in front of Julia so Julia can spread the "good news" to the other employees and rehabilitate my name possibly.
So I get to the register and say Hi to Julia. She barely acknoledges me. Steph joins me. She asks me:
"How are you?"
"I was better an hour ago, before I listened to those voicemails. I had gone to our office party last night, had a great night, got drunk off my ass, got home at around 2 and woke up around 2."
Julia asks "Maryse told us you were supposed to meet her for lunch."
"No we weren't. I have a reservation for tonight at XYZ restaurant. I was supposed to take the day to do errands, stuff around the condo and meet her here at closing time. She suggested that it could be fun if I came at lunchtime to meet her, but that was never the plan."
Julia asks again "But why didn't you answer your phone?"
"It ran out of battery last night during the party and when I got home, I was so drunk that I forgot to plug it back in. I only plugged it when I woke up at 2. That's when the messages came in."
Julia asks "She says she tried calling your home line and you didn't answer and your machine didn't kick in."
"Yeah, that one's my fault, I knew I wanted to sleep and telemarketers have a habit of calling me early saturday mornings so I didn't want to be awoken by a call for a rug cleaning service, so I unplugged it yesterday morning, knowing I would be drunk when I got home and forget and be angry if I was awakened by a telemarketer."
Julia gave me a hint of a smile, showing me she was starting to believe me. She asked me a few more questions and then she asked what I was gonna do. I told her that whatever I'll do, I would tell Maryse first.
I looked at Stephanie and said: "Can you open the back store so I can go see her?" So we went to the backstore. As we reached the door, it swung opened and out popped Maryse, looking absolutely terrifying, I actually jumped back when I saw her. Her usual perfect makeup was completely smeared, her mascara streaking down her cheeks from the crying. Her hair was disheveled. She was a mess. Apparently, she had had enough of waiting back there and was planning on leaving the store to go home and had put her coat and boots on.
When she saw me, she went into an unhinged rant about me being an asshole for cheating on her, me not being great in bed, me not treating her right, etc. I let her vent everything she had to say, I looked at Stephanie and apologized for creating such a scene in her store. I tell Maryse we should go outside and talk in private. She keeps on yelling, but when I grab her hand to lead her outside, she follows.
When we get outside, her anger had started to wane a little, or maybe just her energy. I was able to talk to her to explain everything, how I had gotten drunk, had overslept (alone) and woke up at 2PM. I reminded her that we were only supposed to meet at 5PM not for lunch. The anger was leaving her and a smile almost appeared on her face. Through all of this I was being very calm and patient with her, which she interpreted as me not being mad at her. I then said in a firmer tone: "However..." and let it hang for a second.
The beginning smile vanished. I continued: "When you accused me of cheating on you, that broke me. That triggered memories of toxic exes who would always accuse me of cheating, not trusting me when I would tell them where I was, snooping on me, stalking me. Because of those experiences, I have a zero tolerance policy for jealousy. I told her that if she was behaving like after only two months of dating, it didn't bode well for the future and I have to protect myself."
At that, the tears started again and she just turned and ran/waddled away. I told her to wait, but she didn't hear me. I turned towards the entrance of the store to see basically all the employees and customers milling around the door trying to catch the drama. I went back inside to talk to my best friend. The mood had definitely changed and no one was giving me the stink eye anymore, but I didn't really care. I was just sad that it had ended, but proud of myself for having stood up for myself.
So AITA for getting drunk and keeping my phone turned off?
There is a lot more to this story and if you want to learn what happened afterwards, then read on.
The immediate aftermath
So I went back inside the store and talked to Stephanie. I told her that I had a reserrvation for XX restaurant and if she wanted to go with Stephen, she could take it, I wasn't in the mood for a dinner. She said "I already have plans for tonight, but thanks for offering." Julia said she would go with me if I wanted, but I just said that I wasn't in the mood to go out. I just wanted to crash and eat a pizza and get into a food coma.
Stephanie said she didn't feel comfortable leaving me by myself and I should join them at her house. They were having friends over to play board games and it could at least distract me a little. I said why not. So brimming with enthusiasm, I went to play bored games. I left early as I wasn't in the mood. I was feeling a little better, but still a bit down. I thanked Stephanie for the invite and left. I got home and just passed out on the bed.
I woke up at around 7AM the next morning and I saw along the corners of the window the tell-tale signs of a snow-drift and got excited as it was the first snow of the season. I pushed the curtains aside and looked on to see a beautiful white carpet outside. It was early enough that very few cars had marred the whiteness. I was admiring it when I noticed that, against the red bricks of the building across the street, there was a pink blotch. As I focused, the blotch became human shaped and I cleared my eyes enough to realize that it was Maryse and she was raising her cell phone to her ear.
On cue, my phone rings. I pick it up. Still sounding drunk, she asks me if we can speak. I ask her to give me five minutes to get dressed and I'll meet her down there. She asks why she can't come up. I say that I'm not sure I want her in my apartment. She says that it's cold out. I say: "Good, then this will be quick."
I get dressed and meet her outside. I'm still bleary-eyed from having woken up 5 minutes ago, but I try to get my wits together. I tell her that we're going to walk to the subway. It 's a 10-minute walk normally, but with her drunkenness, it might take 15-20 minutes. That's how long she has to tell me what she wants to tell me.
She wants to apologize for accusing me of cheating on her. She says she knows I'm a great guy and... I may be the A-hole at this point too, but I start to drift off in my little bubble and start daydreaming about, if I go back to bed, would there still be some residual heat or would it be cold? I could take a hot shower and warm the bed that way. I could still hear her in the background making excuses, saying how she had been cheated on, but I wasn't really listening.
During the daydreaming I notice it got quite quiet. I look on my left and she's not there, I turn around she's a good 5-6 steps behind me looking angry and she says: "you're not listening" I just say: "when you're right, you're right." I tell her that I understand she's been hurt too in the past, and I hope she can work to resolve her issues, but I was done and I'm going back to bed. I was a bit harsh there, but I was tired and still down.
I walk past her and get maybe 10 paces past her when I hear a scream coming from her. I turn around and I see her messing with something inside her coat. She pulls out a chef's knife with like an 8-inch blade. That wakes me the fuck up. Byebye bleary eyes, hello wakefulness. better than a cup of coffee or a red bull I tell you!
So she's got the knife, she's screaming something that I can't quite understand. She gets quiet and then she charges at me with the knife. If I'm being honest I could have stayed where I was and she probably would have missed me anyways, but someone charges at me with a knife, I'm gonna nope out of there. I take a massive side step and once she gets to where I was and realizes that I'm no longer there, she turns her head towards me and says heyyyyy.
At that point, I have a moment of clarity and see what's gonna happen. She's drunk running one way and looking another, I know she's gonna trip. As I predicted, she stumbled over her feet and starts falling to the ground. I start praying to god and anybody who would listen: "Please don't let her cut herself. I don't want to have to explain this to the doctors, EMTs and nurses. I don't want her drunk ass deciding to take revenge on me by saying I did it."
Thankfully, she winds up in a sitting position on the sidewalk holding the knife up and it was clean. Thank god for small miracles. She starts crying and, other moment of clarity, I know she's gonna turn the knife on herself now. I jump towards her and I realize I was right, the knife starts moving towards her left wrist. I tackle her, grab her right wrist and twist it so she drops the knife. I pick the knife back up and put it in my pocket. She looks at me crying and says: "Why did you stop me?"
I pick her up and take her back to my building. In my building there was a couch in the lobby, so I take her there and I sit her down and plop myself next to her. I look at her and wonder out loud: "What am I gonna do with you? What can I do?"
She goes: "Just let me go, I'll be good." I tell her that's not going to happen. I realize I have three options and I give her the three options.
"So here's the choice I give you.
1- I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted murder back there and they send the police to arrest you. I don't want to do that because that could derail your life and not get you the help you need. Besides, they might not do anything anyway as it's your word against mine.
2= I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted suicide back there and that you need to be placed on a 72 hour hold. I could do that, but at the same time, again it's my word against yours, so maybe they don't believe me.
3- I'm gonna hazard a guess here. From what I've seen, you have alcohol problems. So I'm gonna guess you were in AA, had been sober for a while, I want to say 6 months, maybe less, when we met."
She confirms my guess.
"alright so option 3, I'm guessing you had a sponsor in AA." she nods "we call them up and tell them about your relapse and what happened this morning. Can they come get you and take care of you?"
She takes her phone out and picks a contact and calls. She hands me the phone. Someone answers and I explain the situation. They said they were coming right away. I give them my address, they get here 15 minutes later. Maryse had fallen asleep in the meantime, so I wake her up gently and help her to the car. Off she went.
I went back to my apartment and just crashed back to sleep.
A month later
Mid-january, my phone rings and I see Maryse's number on there. I send her to voice mail. Another call. Voicemail again. 5 minutes later, Private number calling. "Gee I wonder who that could be." Voicemail once more.
Afterwards, I didn't get any unidentified callers for a little over a week. One afternoon, I was at work and my phone rings and it's a number I do not recognize. I pick up.
"Hello."
"Hi, is this Guy?"
"Yes, to whom am I speaking?"
"This is Hannah, Maryse's sponsor. we spoke last month." I started fearing the worst.
"Yes, I remember. How can I help you?"
"Maryse tried to reach you last week and you rejected the calls. I think it could help Maryse if you listened to what she had to say. You're obviously not obligated to entertain her, but I think despite everything that happened, you still care about her or you would not have called me that morning."
"You are right, I do still care about Maryse. I'm just not sure how good it would be for her to meet me this soon after everything that happened. I understand wanting to work through the 9th step and making amends, but..." She interrupts me.
"So you know about the steps."
"Yes I have friends in the program. which is how I could guess that she was in the program too that morning."
"You know it's important."
"I know. I know. How about this: we meet in public at a cafe, you would have to be there. Not necessarily at the table with us, but nearby in case she needs help, in case meeting me causes her pain. Tell her I promise to be in a more receptive mood than I was that morning."
So we make an appointment for that saturday afternoon.
I get to the coffee shop. She's already there, and so is her sponsor. I realize happily that she's not wearing makeup. I say happily because that means she understands that this is not a date, but something serious. She's still stunningly beautiful, and I feel sad almost right away.
I grab a coffee and go join her at the table.
"Hey" I say,
"Hey. So this is gonna be uncomfortable, but thank you for agreeing to meet me and for coming, I appreciate it more than you know. I'm sure you heard I quit the store."
"I have, I'm sorry about that, I hope you didn't do it just because of me."
"No, I needed time to focus on myself for now."
She proceeds to tell me about how I wasn't far off with my guess. She had been sober 4 months when we met. Now she had 39 days. She tells me that in AA, if you are single, they recommend not dating anyone new for at least the first year of your sobriety as it can cause issues, similar to what happened with us. I was like her "drug" and as long as I was available, she could get her fix. But the moment I wasn't available all hell broke loose, and that is what led her back to drinking that day.
I told her I'm glad to see her back sober again this quickly and I hope she can get all the help she needs from it. I ask her if she wants to talk to me about her drinking.
She starts to share a story about how she started drinking at around 11 years old. When puberty hit her, she got into a deep depression because the sexual feelings she was starting to feel were triggering responses. As a child she had been abused by two of her uncles repeatedly and her parents never believed her. They accused her of trying to make herself interesting. That was until they caught one of those uncles red-handed.
They finally believed and took the necessary steps to protect their daughter. But they were poor and they couldn't afford therapy. So she never really got help for it. At 11, she started self medicating the depression with alcohol. When alcohol wasn't enough, she added drugs.
At that point, I was full on crying. She asked me if I wanted her to stop. I told her that she doesn't have to stop. That the tears are there because that was one more thing we had in common. I was also a survivor of sexual assault as a child. In my case, it wasn't a family member, it was only a stranger, so it only happened once. But I also self-medicated with alcohol at the onset of puberty, switching to drugs later on too. I was lucky to avoid the pitfalls of addiction, but I was still dealing with my demons, slowly making peace with them.
So there we were, sitting at a coffee shop, both crying and holding each other. I tell her that I think it's great she's getting help for her alcoholism and addicion, but was she doing anything to help with the underlying issue, the original trauma? She said no, she couldn't afford therapy. I tell her that I am a member of a survivors group and if she is interested, I could get her into a meeting and perhaps learn to heal that part of herself too.
She said that she could give it a try. I tell her I have to talk to the other members to know if I can bring someone new and I would let her know. If they said yes, we would go to her first meeting together, I would introduce her and then we would coordinate so that I never went to meetings where she was. I wanted to do that because I wanted her first few meetings to be about healing and I didn't want our own history to be intertwined or mixed in with that.
After that, we left both feeling content and, while not necesarily happy, at peace if you will. Later on, I contacted Stephanie who was one of the "pillars" of the support group (that's how we met) to ask her if it was okay for me to bring in a new member to the group. She said sure. She asked if it was anyone she knew. I told her she would have to meet her at the meeting if she decides to come.
We were having a meeting the following day. I called Maryse, told her the time and place, and she said she would be there. She came to the group meeting and was shocked to see Stephanie there but Stephanie kinda guessed that it was Maryse I was referring to.
I introduce her, we start sharing stories, talking about how we're feeling, etc. The meeting was good and Maryse liked the vibe. So for the first six months after that, I never saw Maryse and we planned which meeting we would be attending to ensure we didn't cross paths. She started feeling much better.
After maybe 2 and a half years, she finally felt ready and she started dating again. She met someone and she fell for him. They were together for about six months, she looked happy. Unfortunately after about six months, she caught him cheating on her. We tried supporting her, being good friends, cursing his name, doing all the things we could to make sure she didn't relapse. But on April 5th 2014, she ODed on heroin. She was hospitalized for 2 weeks after that.
Hannah took her in and she set up a room for Maryse. She was still in a fragile state, so a group of her friends and I started taking turns watching over Maryse, making sure there was always at least one person there with her to keep her company.
Despite our vigilance, on May 14th 2014, when Hannah was out running a quick errand, she was gone maybe 15 minutes tops, Maryse found a way to cut her wrists and she died. We found a note saying that "the OD was not an accident, and neither was that. Thanks for everything you did for me. I love you all, but I can't do this anymore."
It feels good to write that story (I'll just ignore the fat tears rolling down my face!). Thanks for reading this far and sorry for the long story, I just started writing and couldn't stop. I apologize if it was a bit of a bummer.

Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road
Zildiz felt her exomorph go rigid as it lost contact with her central nervous system. Curse that wretched Leaper! She’d forgotten just how durable their physiologies were. Their exomorphs had three times as many backup systems as those of Gallivants, unsurprising given that they had to retain control over their complex musculature. She’d been a fool for thinking that merely cutting it in half would do the trick. The error would wind up costing her life in these next few moments unless she took drastic action.
She was blind—her helm and its sets of eyes had sustained catastrophic damage and left her soft innards exposed. Even worse, she was crippled, the exomorph’s augmented muscle fibers unresponsive to her nervous system's inputs. But perhaps she still had the sheer physical strength to swing her blades. Zildiz tried to flex her wrist and was rewarded by a vigorous twitch of her pinky finger. Just in time; she could hear the Leaper close by, the leaf litter crackling as it approached.
Not yet, she told herself. Just a little closer. Hands pawed at her face and tore off the remnants of her helmet, scraping the hemolymphic gel from her naked face. What the hell was it doing? Zildiz had to restrain herself from crying out and striking at the air in panic.
Not yet! It was a crime to interrupt a fool when he was digging his own grave. Zildiz lay perfectly still as the Leaper fiddled around with her exomorph, feeling helpless and violated as never before. Vowing to give the bastard a slow and painful death for this, she curled her hand into a fist and waited until she felt its fingers caress the surface of her innards. Letting out a scream of incoherent rage Zildiz thrust at her unseen enemy, heard a cry of pain and the Leaper stumbling away, swearing profusely.
“Ow! That hurt, you witch! What the blazes are you?” the Leaper cried out. Zildiz frowned. That hadn’t sounded like the croaking of a Leaper. Speaking a slow and halting fashion, she replied:
“I would ask you the same thing.”
“I am Rene Louvoture, assistant navigator, 9th Battalion, 3rd Pathfinder Regiment.”
Zildiz shook her head at the string of gibberish.
“I am Zildiz, of the Blade-Wings. Why haven’t you killed me?”
“Why would I?" said the voice, sounding both shaky and incredulous, “You’re just like me, aren’t you?”
“How so?”
“Open your eyes and see for yourself.”
Zildiz realized with a start that it was referring to the primitive ocular organs of her innards. The thought hadn’t even occurred to her. The last time she’d been out of her exomorph was when she and Menash had been together, many cycles ago. With great effort her atrophied facial muscles remembered how to lift her eyelids, and she beheld a world of total darkness.
Bioluminescent growths from the surrounding vegetation gradually helped her to see with her naked eyes, and she beheld the prey-form standing over her with a hand clamped to its bleeding shin. Its albino exoskeleton was ripped and stained with blood. In its fist it clutched a short blade that emitted a constant, low hum. Zildiz propped herself up on her elbow and locked eyes with the creature. To her disgust she found that its exomorph had a completely transparent helm allowing her to see its bare face in all its lumpen hideousness. It had a head of curled black hairs, matted and moist like the growths on a Leaper’s belly. The prey-form’s flat, broad nose gave it a singularly pugnacious look, while its skin was as milk-white as that of a flesh-eating maggot’s. Zildiz dragged herself back, her first instinct being to recoil from it.
“Don’t move,” Rene advised her, “You’ve suffered some sort of spinal injury, I think. Can you feel your legs?”
“No,” Zildiz lied, thrusting out her chin at him defiantly, “What do you care?”
“I told you, I’m not about to kill you. We’re the same, can’t you see? Human!”
“We share the primal pattern, but I am a Gallivant. You are not. That is all that matters.”
“Right,” Rene sighed and sat down on the rotting log, “Whatever that means. Ye gods, I need a stiff drink right about now.”
Zildiz eyed him suspiciously, convinced it was some sort of ruse. He was just gauging how crippled she truly was and waiting for her to lower her guard. Very well; two could play at that game. In the meantime, she would try and work some feeling back into her exomorph.
“Are you really a hatchling?” she asked it suddenly.
“You heard that nonsense, did you?” Rene glanced up, “Of course not. I was just leading them on. The ‘fire giant’ isn’t a living creature, it’s a machine—a Divine Engine. What, don’t you have them wherever it is that you come from?” he joked, smiling at her. Zildiz grimaced at the sight, and he stopped.
“A machine,” she said slowly, “Like this one?”
Zildiz gestured at her disabled exomorph. Rene chewed over that piece of information. So that was what she was wearing: a living machine, a sealant suit of chitin and muscle equipped with weaponry and capable of flight. Like the Engine, it was a level of technology he hadn't even known could exist.
“Not exactly,” he finally replied, “I mean, it isn’t quite as revolting as yours. No offense,” he added quickly, snatching a quick glance at her face. She had a hawkish look about her, all thin lines and edges, but somewhere in there was a wild and timeless beauty which defied his attempts to pin down as some definable quality of womanhood.
“So you have been inside of it,” she confirmed with a look of satisfaction.
“I didn’t say that,” Rene stammered, feeling like he was losing the battle for information, “I merely observed it from a distance. I mean, the sheer size of it. Who wouldn’t have? You saw what I—what it—did to the Amit mound.”
Rene bit his lip, mentally kicking himself for his careless slip of the tongue. Zildiz narrowed her eyes at him, partly out of mistrust and partly due to the head-splitting migraine she was feeling. It had been so long since she’d been forced to rely on this basic sense organ, and its rods and cones were out of practice.
“The grey behemoth, this Divine Engine, as you call it. Did the Vitalus send it to cull the colony? Are you a Hollowore?”
“A Hull-of-War?” Rene repeated dimly.
"A Inkarnid? An Aspect of the All-In-One?"
“Look, I haven’t the foggiest notion what you’re talking about. And I’m the one asking questions here, don’t you forget it. Flame and perdition!” he swore, “You really nicked me, you know that?
Rene set his sword to aside and bent over to poke at the shallow stab wound on his shin. Zildiz chose that moment to burst into action. She was on her feet before he knew it, slicing at him with her blade arms. Rene yelped and rolled backwards off the log, narrowly avoiding dismemberment and flipping over nimbly to his feet, cursing himself for letting her gain the upper hand.
“Stop! Please, I don’t wish to hurt you!” he shouted at her as he ran circles around the dead tree, keeping it between himself and her wicked blades. Her movements were awkward and ponderous, as though her legs weren’t used to supporting the weight of her body. Scowling wrathfully, Zildiz kept after him as he jogged just out of her reach, the two of them playing a very earnest game of ring around the rosy. Finally Rene had enough and took up the club again, whacking her on the back of the knees so that she fell forward onto her hands. Her nose flattened itself against a pebble, producing an indescribable pain. She groaned and clutched at her face while Rene sat on her back to keep her pinned down.
“Sorry! Sorry! I really am. But it seems at this point to be abundantly clear,” Rene shouted as she flailed at him ineffectually with her blades, “That I have no other option but to take you in!”
“Just try and feed me to your brood, I dare you!” she screamed as blood trickled from her nostrils, “I’ll carve out their eyes and feed it to them!”
“What? No! That’s not it at all!” Rene cried, mortified, “As a soldier of the Fleet, I am hereby placing you under arrest as a hostile belligerent. Henceforth, you may consider yourself my prisoner of war!”
Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road

My mother in law lives in a different state so she doesn’t get so see my son often. The last time she saw him in person was February 4th. She flew in yesterday and came by when my husband was working and I answered the door holding him and he was shy (of course) and she immediately tried to grab him from me but he was pulling away and wanting me. And she forced him out of my arms and took him. He was uncomfortable and I just wanted him to be comfortable. I admit we both have separation anxiety from each other. I have diagnosed PPD and PPA and I currently take medicine for the PPD but not the PPA. So I just try my hardest every day to be okay even tho I’m terrified about everything including the possibilities of something happening to him. Anyways, there were just multiple instances of her trying to grab him when he wants me. Now he does play with her and want her when I tell him it’s okay or when he gets comfortable but then he will have enough and want me. I know he does love her though. He only falls asleep in my arms and he’s fallen asleep in her arms a few times. I feel bad for feeling this way and being stressed because she does love all 3 of us very much and this is her first time being a grandma and she clearly loves it but I feel like she’s trying to force it. So today my friend invited me and my mother in law to go swimming with her and her baby brother and since my mother in law didn’t tell me what time she was planning on coming over I just texted her saying I will be gone with Felix at the pool and I invited her to come with but she said she didn’t bring her swim suit. A few min later she texted again asking if I wanted her to pick up Felix and take him to her mom’s house which is 30 min away so I can get some rest. (He’s also not familiar with his great grandma since she doesn’t reach out and we only come over when we have enough time to ask.) I do appreciate that because for the past few months I’ve been dealing with some very serious symptoms and cancer runs in my family so I’m already a paranoid person because of it and it’s way worse now that I have a wonderful husband and beautiful baby boy. (I am seeing doctors in the specialties of my symptoms and I have tests scheduled already). I’ve been incredibly tired for the past couple months no matter how much sleep I get and my eyes have been super droopy. I look high but I swear I’m not 😆. And I’m losing a lot of weight unintentionally. I lost 5 pounds this week and 30 in the past 2 months. So I’m just giving you an idea of how I’m struggling. So I kindly told her no and that he absolutely loves the pool and seeing him happy makes my heart melt. So she came over when I was finished hanging out with my friend and my husband was home at that time and she told us that she would be taking him on Thursday (basically tomorrow. It’s almost midnight 😆) and going to go see her friend…a person I know absolutely nothing about. When she left I told my husband I wasn’t okay with it because he’s still a baby and I have no idea who this person is. He thinks I don’t trust her but it’s not that at all. She did a very good job raising my husband. It’s that I don’t trust strangers. And I’m not saying she has horrible friends cause I don’t think she does. We are all Mormon (she’s incredibly involved in the church and in her faith. Way more than me) and we live in the Mormon state but there’s a lot of info surfacing about people in the church that seem like they’re a safe person but in reality they’re not. Read this as an example https://kutv.com/amp/news/local/provo-parents-arrested-after-alleged-rape-of-teen-daughter-utah-county-sexual-assault I just don’t know who I can trust. I myself am a rpe and sx traffic survivor. And it happened by people that were in my adopted family. I just have a lot of trauma. I do have a lot of mental illnesses that make it hard and painful to live including bipolar 1 and BPD. I’m just a very on edge person but no anxiety med works. I just feel like everyone has a dark side and I want to be with my son so that nothing happens. The world is a scary place and he’s too young and innocent to understand. He’s too young to control his emotions. He just knows “hey I’m feeling uncomfortable. I want my mom” or “I’m gonna cry because I’m having a hard time”. And I’m always there to make him happy again. I feel that he’s too young to be with people he doesn’t know for a day without his comfort. If it was just her taking him out for a few hours I would still be uncomfortable but I’d let them go and just ask for hourly check in’s and pictures. But I wouldn’t be comfortable with him gone from me for a day. I don’t want to intrude on her time with her friend but if she asked me to come with I would. I would be so much more comfortable if they came to my condo and they could all hang in the living room and I’ll just be resting on my bed. I just don’t want my infant being away from me with someone he’s not quite familiar with and someone he nor I have ever met.
I should clarify I do love my mother in law…even tho she can be intense. She’s always made me feel welcome and she buys me any clothes I want, she buys my husband and plane tickets to see them, she makes any food I want homemade, she goes on trips across the world and buys us stuff she thinks we would like or find cool (we do), and she spoils my son so much.
I’m so sorry if this doesn’t make sense. It’s very late at night and my eyes are barely open I’m so tired 😅
Please no negative comments. This is a post for advice.

I apologize if my grammar and punctuation is non existent I’m too in shock to care
So today I found my dad hunched over on his knees near his bed clutching his chest cold and dead today I’m assuming he had a heart attack cause that’s what it looked like from how he was positioned back on Wednesday night he wasn’t feeling too hot he was throwing up and I thought he was just sick but the next morning he collapsed and me and my grandma called an ambulance for him but he refused to go since he’s hard headed but anyway we believe he essentially went into cardiac arrest cause he has high blood pressure and his diet is awful and he drinks like a fish but moving on he basically had all the telltale signs of cardiac arrest such as being super sore and he could barely see anything along with chest pains but last night i was taking care of him and he was complaining again about his chest and I begged him to let me take him to the hospital and he denied again that’s the last time I saw him alive I was then woken up by my grandma at 2 in the afternoon coming home saying she hadn’t seen him all day so I went to check on him fearing the worst and found him dead next to his bed he’d been dead a few hours by then he was cold and his face was blue and the worst bit is he died in pain he didn’t even get to go in his sleep which kills me I tried to give him CPR just hoping it might somehow work but Rigor Mortis had already set in so I knew he was dead I wasn’t the closest with my dad but he was the only parent I had left and now he’s gone I’m super angry at him for denying us getting him healthcare and leaving me and my siblings alone like this my grandma only has so much time left on this earth and now my little siblings are not gonna have a father figure in their lives anymore I just don’t know what to do or how to even begin to try to get over his death any help would be appreciated sorry for typing so much I just tend to ramble.

I’m a survivor.
Waking up in the morgue after shooting myself in the head was the worst experience of my existence.

When the illness was first reported, they called it The Burning.
The first few hundred thousand cases followed the same pattern.
Day 1-3 were a mild fever that did not respond to any medications and simply kept the temperature around 100F/37C.
Every one to three days after, the person’s temperature would increase by about 1F/.6C while still not responding to any treatments meant to reduce it.
Seizures, convulsions and death happened within 12 to at most 72 hours of temperatures reaching 108F/42C.
Some places tried ice-baths.
This lead to the first, and only, effective treatment for The Burning.
If the body responded to the ice-baths, the person's raising temperate could be arrested, slowed and even halted.
If it held at or under 106F/41C, the person had a chance to survive.
This worked in less 10% of persons who caught The Burning.
The majority died when they were unable to slow or halt the fever before it hit 105.
Anyone who survived 24 days after showing symptoms could recover, but only if their temperature was kept under 107 until at least day 30.
Once that happened, the body naturally normalized, reducing by about 1F/.6C every 24-36 hours until stabilizing around 99.5F/37.5C.
Patient Zero had been confirmed as symptomatic on October 3, 2030.
As we were only a decade past the C-19 virus, most countries reacted with quarantines, masking guidelines and social distancing.
But nothing stopped The Burning.
The problem was that we did not understand it until over a year into The Burning Pandemic, by that point there were 120 -150 million new infections worldwide every month.
We had that term wrong; it was 120 -150 million newly symptomatic persons every month not new infections.
The Burning did not have a 24-72 hour incubation period as was first reported and believed.
It had a 300 day incubation period.
A mathematician figured it out during the second year of the The Burning Pandemic shortly after developing symptoms.
By the time Patient Zero was identified, at least 40% of the world had already been infected, we just didn't know it.
When The Burning finally ran its course, less than 2 billion people were left alive.
About 1.3 billion people never showed symptoms, but they are Asymptomatic Carriers of the virus, even now.
The remaining 650 million people are the Survivors of The Burning, but the virus still lives in our veins.
No vaccine or treatment has worked to remove it from the population.
By 2055, the global population had increased by less than 150 million.
The Asymptomatic Carriers are nearly infertile.
The Survivors are completely sterile.
Additionally, all newborns experience a milder version of The Burning, but the survival rate is still very low.
Where the original Burning had over 90% fatality rate; the new Burning still claims about 55% of newborns.
What remained of the world powers were concerned by the abysmal birth rate but then in 2060 as a fractured, but globally united society, we figured out the other side effects of The Burning.
Those of us who survived had not aged in the 26-30 years it had been since our symptoms ended and our base body temperature stabilized around 1F/.6C degrees higher than prior to The Burning.
And none of us had developed any other diseases, while those with issues like diabetes, heart disease, cancer or other degenerative diseases saw them fade by 2040. We also never suffered annual colds or flus even when unvaccinated.
The Asymptomatic Carriers were aging much-much more slowly, yet were still just as prone to colds or flus as before but not degenerative diseases. Any degenerative disease they had prior to 2030 halted progression but did not fade.
Most of the world has re-labeled The Burning to “The Rebirth” or “The Immortality Virus” or “The Rapture,” the last mostly by the ultra-religious among the Asymptomatic Carriers.
We Survivors still call it The Burning.
Those of us in worse circumstances also refer to it, or the now we live in, as Hell.
We have managed to communicate without allowing those in power to know of the communication; it was painful.
We have confirmed, collectively, that we cannot die.
We also cannot stop the mental voices of the other survivors.
Once within 5 yards/meters of a fellow survivor, with a widening circle of affect the more survivors are nearby, we cannot help but hear every thought of every survivor within range.
The echoing reverberation is maddening.
I tried to silence it with a gun; this failed and it took several days for the brain matter to be completely cleaned out of my carpet when I got home.
Waking up in the morgue after shooting myself in the head is not really the worst experience of my existence.

(Trigger warning for pedophilia, existentialism and self harm)
I (21m) have been struggling with pedophilic disturbances in one form or another since my pre-teens (I think it really started when I was maybe 11?) beginning in the form of feeling guilt and uncertainty for feeling attraction to my own peers when I was in middle school. I know now that developing sexual urges and desires is normal, but I didn’t know it back then, and I thought I was breaking the law for even thinking of girls in a sexual way. Nobody told me it was normal/okay, and a typical part of teenage development. I just assumed it was illegal.
It wasn’t until high school that I became brave enough to start asking questions and seeking answers, and actually learning for the first time that it was okay for teenagers like then-14yo me to have sexual desires, and that highschoolers actually regularly have sex with each other, and don’t face legal repercussions, contrary to what I used to believe. I genuinely thought teenagers having sex was just a baseless movie trope and nothing else.
However, I was still stuck in the mindset I had back in middle school—that it was illegal, disrespectful, evil, etc. to have sexual attraction at such a young age, especially towards girls my age (minors at the time). I was, almost piously, stuck clinging to that mindset. And the new information I had gathered—from other 14-18yo girls, mind you—was rather abrupt in my developmental timeline. So there was a lot of conflict between this new information, and my outdated “thou shalt not goon” ideology.
It was also around high school that I began noticing the budding sprouts of my disorders beginning to manifest, whose seeds were planted all the way back in middle school. I started to notice—though at the time, couldn’t fully comprehend or articulate—that even though I was growing up, my sexual attraction wasn’t, and I still found middle schoolers attractive. I kept thinking it was just a series of intrusive thoughts and kept pushing it down. Early on in high school, I looked at the 3-year legal age gap with minors, and thought I could force myself to stop being attracted to girls who were younger than 3 years below me. I kept doing mental compulsions, trying to force it away. Each year I got older, I would try to convince myself to stop being attracted to another age group. Alas, it did not work like I hoped it would, and hebephebophilia continues to plague my brain to this day.
Between the middle of high school to a little after graduation, I was in a state of denial. My 3-year age gap rule was expired when I turned 17 (also, I didn’t realize how wrong that rule was for such young kids, but now I know that much narrower age gaps are more correct). So, for the following years, I just kept pushing it all further and further down. Denying I had what I had. After all, it goes against my moral. My ethical code. My philosophies. How could I possibly have something encoded in my mind, that is so antithetical to my values? Of course, bottling it up didn’t help. Throughout my latter teenage years, I was left frequently confused and distressed. And I was always worried that if I let myself analyze my condition, even just a little bit, I’d be put on a watchlist and arrested soon after.
It wasn’t until I went to an OCD clinic for my contamination OCD, that I found other people with the same issues I was facing, and that I wasn’t going to get locked up for addressing my pedophilic disorders. I finally began unboxing years of bottled up torment, pondering how it all came to be, and formulating theories on why I have this curse, this disease. Trying to make sense of it all.
Of course, even though I’ve had some breathing room handed to me on a silver platter, it’s still a pair of chronic disorders. I’m still reeling from all those years spent hiding from myself and from the world (the latter of which I’m still mostly doing). And still figuring out how to cope with my condition, in the present and the future. I’ve had suicidal thoughts and intentions because of my disorder. And these suicidal thoughts still manifest in the maladaptive daydreams I have, conjuring up scenarios in my mind where I end myself due to the guilt and shame I feel. I’m physically unable to enact a successful suicide attempt, due to my low pain tolerance, my existential fear of death (ironically) and the way my body automatically freezes and shuts down in times of heavy distress.
I want to be able to tell my friends and most of my family about my disorder. But it’s incredibly risky to do. I feel like I’m lying to them, deceiving them, by keeping my secret. And I feel trapped, and that telling more people will expand this little prison cell in my mind, making it more breathable and livable, as it has done so far with the therapists and friends I’ve made from the clinic. But I know how emotionally charged pedophilia is. I, for one, feel so much violent rage and distraught grief whenever I hear that some monster has decided to violate a child. And I know that would be the first thought to enter someone’s mind. I know that anyone I tell is prone to developing any series of misunderstandings, misinterpretations.
Even though I’ve never inflicted any degree of sexual harm to a child and never will, the simple fact that I have pedophilic disorder is enough to ravage my mind with guilt and shame. I find myself hoping I don’t live past my 30’s or 40’s because of it.
Violating anyone is a conscious choice, and I’ve always been confident in the fact that it’s a choice I will never make. Still, the sensations, thoughts and feelings that develop in my mind make it difficult for me to live with myself, regardless of the fact that it’ll only ever stay in my mind.

First Previous Wiki
Ezeonwha was walking down a long hallway. The dry and plain painted walls and the pure white lighting of the lower levels of the 102nd Visitor Welcome Office helped to frame the dingy realities of those who could only afford these floors. Not even capable of having windows, these were for those who were the cheapest of the cheap or those who mingled with them. He'd passed several Guides on the way in, their claws echoing in the halls as a sign of authority in this lawless land.
Here, mediocrity was king, and he was a loyal servant. He drew his cloak closer about his neck, unwilling to reveal himself to those who weren't already equipped to see through it all. He was famous enough to be an abduction target if he let his guard down. This place was no exception, though Justicar tried to make them such. Too much security on the higher levels and too little on the lower levels. That was the way of things.
Another hallway, this one marked with bullet holes. Two contractors and a Guide were discussing the pricing of the fix project when he turned the corner. Their voices quieted to nothing, the stillness pressing down upon them with the same intensity as the false lighting. Ezeonwha clacked his jaws, giving them a low bow before continuing on his way. He saw the Guide's eyes light up with the sign of his implants getting a reading. It was another impromptu way of tracking via facial recognition, but it was an ancient practice.
Nothing was new about what the Guides did; only how many of them seemed to be on general patrol. Had Justicar hired more of them or actually done full conversions for all of them? Those arm cannons surely weren't cheap or ethical to insert into unwilling participants. And giving a victim a gun they couldn't be disarmed of was a very bad idea, even for Elders. And Justicar was better than most Elders when it came to abject stupidity. He'd likely only been dropped a few hundred times as a child versus the more likely Elder average of a few thousand.
Ezeonwha chuckled at his internal joke, heading deeper underground into the complex. He was going to a certain meeting, and it would be best not to be late. Even if the Guides tracked him, it wouldn't be negative. The group he had been approached by a few days ago wasn't a terror group. He'd looked them up. They dealt in 'freedom and liberation from all chains.'
The Eyes Of Liberty had focused upon Penny as their latest propaganda target and perhaps as a valuable ally in their fight against all tyranny. Though such a flowery message was likely steeped in idealism for the lower ranks, with more pragmatic and likely richer inner circle elites and leaders ensuring the pot would always simmer but never boil or grow cold. That was the way movements such as these managed to skirt the line between inaction and terrorism.
It was a dangerous thing to do. But these were dangerous times. If Penny left, he'd die. Someone with a grudge would kill him. It was a given, and he'd made peace with it now. He needed to get to work, to help others like him and those worse off, with just a small piece of the meager time he had left.
He was in the system as a friend of Penny, so little scrutiny would fall on him as he came and went. He had a new friend, one who was very interested in connecting to Penny.
The offer had come through his communicator, and he'd answered it given its interesting title. After a lengthy discussion about their goals for him and Penny, he'd agreed to at least have a meeting. He didn't tell them that he had a tracker from Phoebe, which would 'be impossible to miss' if things went badly. He knew the value he had, which was why one of the androids was also accompanying him under the guise of being a Sprilnav.
The android was 'walking' on all fours, its mechanical motion entirely silent. It was obscured by a wave of holograms and hard light holograms that would ensure that it wouldn't be considered suspicious beside him. His only guard was a capable one, and Phoebe had all the confidence of an AI who knew that the destruction of her android would only be an inconvenience for her.
Ezeonwha came to an unmarked door with a well-worn door frame. One knock. One pause. Two knocks. Another pause. Four knocks. He waited, and the door swung open. Eight Sprilnav greeted him warily but warmly, their eyes shifting to Phoebe.
The inside of the room was a dull red, coming from a pair of lights in the center of the ceiling that cast dark shadows near the edges. The whole room felt dark and dangerous, and the walls were lined with guns, computers, and several drones. Shelves and drawers were neatly stacked against the wall, as well as five couches and four double beds with ladder access to the top portions.
Bags of food rested atop a trash compactor unit, and the room service button on the inner side of the wall that Ezeonwha could see in the mirror was worn down to the raw metal. No paint jobs here, only grit and business. The room faintly smelled of body odor and assorted foods. Not entirely unpleasant, but also not what he'd expected from a group with sich a flamboyant name. Perhaps they worked in cell-based units. And that was another thing.
Minds were visible in the distance of the mindscape, but the people here were huddled together mentally. They appeared to be haphazard, but Ezeonwha recognized an old army-type defensive formation a mere step from each of their positions. They were more than they appeared. Though based on how their room looked, they probably weren't veterans, just decently trained.
As they walked through the doorway, a scanner activated. One of the Sprilnav, wearing a headset with numbers and letters swirling on the inner side of the visor, called out: "Phoebe android. Commando variant. Risk assessment: Certain Death. Ezeonwha. Carrying two pistols, one hidden in the pack on his left, and the other tucked inside a strap near the lower bottom of his chest."
That made them all pause, sizing each other up. Ezeonwha smiled nervously, failing terribly to break the building tension once again. His nerves started to get to him, but finally, Phoebe spoke. "Well, friends. I, for one, am happy to talk of the business of liberty. Tell us, what do you have in mind for my friend Ezeonwha?"
"It is not about him, AI. It is about the freedom all sentient beings deserve, and which we shall bring to the galaxy no matter if we are alive or dead."
"An honorable goal to strive toward," Phoebe said.
"Thank you. Your words are quite kind for your type."
"I didn't know I had one," Phoebe replied. "But thank you."
Ezeonwha turned his head toward the Sprilnav with all the fancy equipment.
"What is the best way for me and Penny to help in the fight?"
"The best way would be for you to start killing the gang leaders you come across. Barring that, have Penny ignore the graveyards, and continue freeing the slaves as she ought to. The dead have their freedom; the living need her work more."
"I agree with my companion," another of them said. "So far, Penny has done more for the fight for justice than any other on Justicar in generations, so it is a terrible thing to ask more, but we must ask. Even knowing the terrible toll it would have if she loses the Judgment, Sprilnav are at stake."
"People are at stake, you mean," Ezeonwha said. "There is no need to bring species into this."
"There would not be, but it is still a clear factor," another of them said, a female who looked more shifty in her gaze and demeanor. The Eyes of Liberty seemed like one of those groups with too much division.
"Do you disagree with each other often?" Ezeonwha asked innocently.
"Here and there," the tech guy said. "Not often enough to be a problem, and not when what matters is at stake."
"But that is the thing. How can you agree on when something that matters is a stake?"
"Is this a test?"
"Why would it be? Think of it as a genuine concern," Ezeonwha said. "To associate with your group, I have to be certain it will be resilient to change and risks escalating in the future. If the gangs cannot strike at Penny, they will pick the next best targets. Currently, that is me. If I associate with you in a way they can find out, and I assure you they will find out eventually, you all may be at risk as well. And your group's seemingly cell-based design also means large scale mobilization is difficult, ineffective, and risks severe coordination issues which cannot be quickly or safely remedied without changing core security features of it."
"You deduced all of that from context? You are smart, Ezeonwha. And have a good brain in your head. Everlasting knows we need one of those between all of us."
They all shared a laugh.
"I am not as young as I may look," Ezeonwha said. "Penny is not properly learned of the danger that faces us here. I am. The Underground will kill me when this is over. Do you want to die alongside me, all for your beliefs?"
Silence descended again. Ezeonwha kept the pressure on them when one of them stepped forward. "For freedom and liberty? Yes. I would die for that."
"As would I."
"And I."
They all declared the rest in orders that followed the patterns Ezeonwha was noticing. There were variances in their levels of belief and faith in their purpose. Each person had a different level of value difference, which meant that their lives would be worth more or less comparatively.
Cohesion was weaker, too. Not a full defector team, but likely pieces of several. Was that by design from a higher up leader, or was that just circumstance? Another thing to figure out later, that wasn't critical yet, but he would know before he truly went on any missions with them, if he did at all.
He suspected running messages to Penny would be the majority of their tasks. The quality of intelligence the Eyes of Liberty had offered was substantial. Perhaps enough for Penny to turn herself from a major annoyance to the gangs into an actual existential threat. With Justicar's swarming protection of the Fort Court and the 102nd Visitor Welcome Office, there was a limited amount of things that even the gangs could do. And if the rumors were correct, a Progenitor would be partaking in the trial.
"To be clear, if I join up with you, Phoebe would come too."
"Why would we let an AI join us?"
Phoebe smiled. "Without me, you'll die in this fight. You have trained for around 2000 days. You're acceptable combatants, as is Ezeonwha. But you are fighting in a city, and underneath it. You need to know how to keep a low profile. You need to know how to move through a crowd, get in and out. And you need to keep collateral damage to a zero, or the gangs will use you like they have others who had your purpose and were less careful to justify their 'protection' continuing. If you march in there and kill 50 slavers, if you kill a few slaves or a single bystander in the process, your credibility will be smeared. And frankly, with me on your team, you won't get blown up by an IED when you try clearing your first room in a fortress."
"IED?" One of them asked, while the rest digested her statement, going through various levels of offended looks.
"Your translator is too cheap. Improvised explosive device. Here, that can be old engines, reused oil, cracked plastic, frictional fuel bombs, circuit extruders, sodium splash grenades, as well as the more military style attacks they can pack, from small micro rockets all the way up to lower level fission or fusion bombs. Though if you're in a fight with those things involved, you're already dead."
"Why?"
"Because unless you're Elders, or holograms, a nuke will kill you whether you're right next to it or just inside the same shield. They concentrate the thermal pulse, so your bones would be ash before the pain hit your eyes."
"And what protection could you bring against that?"
"Telling you it's there before you start the attack. That is, if you listen to me. I value your lives over that of this android, but also I value Ezeonwha over all of you combined. I will not prevent him from doing this, but I will have you all know the risks involved."
"We are prepared, Phoebe. We have done much of the training you say, though we do not believe the gangs would plant explosive devices in their own fortresses. There is too much risk around that, with betrayals so common. However, the minefields we have scouted are easy to defeat with the right tactics. Perhaps you can give us a briefing on those, too?"
A challenge.
"I can, depending on how long you wish to do this for. But I have the stamina for either hours or weeks, depending on which you choose."
"What of your batteries?"
"They are of sufficient quality," Phoebe assured.
"I hope so."
Their tech guy nodded, more numbers flashing on his visor. Ezeonwha hoped he had a different way of display, like through an implant or something, for the missions in darker areas. The Underground was, by its name, not a place where much natural light was to be found. And the gangs controlled all the power systems in their territory. It was another part of the racket.
"Why aren't you guarding Penny?"
Phoebe's back straightened, a subconscious posture change to make her seem more confident. Ezeonwha caught the tactic for what it was, though without extensive knowledge of bipedal forms, it was less likely the surrounding Sprilnav knew it.
"Penny proved before a trillion eyes she's capable of fighting Elders, Progenitors, and a Dreadnaught Captain. Not to mention her immense power. I can shoot bullets, but she can literally snatch them out of the air and eat them. She has her own way of doing things, and it is a good way."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Penny landed in the rubble and headed for the Vaquah with a trail of survivors behind her. Many of them, she could recognize the marks of slavery on, with numbers or brands on their skin or just the trauma crouching in their eyes dulled by the pain of a long life in a work camp. Penny went through the wreckage to the shield surrounding the rubble and the defining line between the rest of the city and the destruction. Several news drones flew above her.
More were arriving from various directions. The soft footsteps grew into a constant drumming sound, like a beating heart of doom. Penny marched with them, heading to the spaceport. A large medical operation there quickly rerouted many of its various branches to the most injured freed slaves.
Penny pressed her considerable psychic energy on the entire group, accelerating their healing, slowing bleeding, and generally repairing their bodies and cells from the trauma they'd suffered. But the cloud over their heads did not brighten. The atmosphere remained tense and mournful. Many of them had lost friends, family, and more. She had no right to ask them to feel any different.
She had freed them, that was all. They were not her servants. She was not their ruler.
Several of them came up to her, offering thanks in the small ways they could. Kind words. Attempts at hugs. Even offers of devout prayer and worship, which Penny respectfully declined. She knew, as did most of them, that veneration for her deeds was inevitable. She didn't want to be seen encouraging it at all, since this was a public place where many eyes were upon her.
She knew that it would be misconstrued as a threat if she did. Religions were some of the most major threats entrenched powers could face if not properly co-opted by the state to suit their needs. And here, the 'state' was a military dictatorship billions of years old, ripened with corruption, money, and the immortality of Elders sporting technology beyond any other in the galaxy.
The sky was blue with shields overhead. The Vaquah hung in the distance, its thrusters gently burning to keep it aloft. A trail of shuttles linked the massive ship with several spaceports, including this one. Penny watched the freed Sprilnav get on it one by one, promising themselves to a new life aboard her ship. Technically, they were citizens of the Autonomous Peoples' Stars.
That protection, Penny knew, was why the Vaquah and its innocent inhabitants were still intact. Elders already had hired mercenaries to attack it. They'd failed, thanks to Rimiaha and Penny, but also the defenses of Kashaunta's Grand Fleet when it was in higher orbit. Kashaunta, despite her willingness to use Penny as she would, also had a certain intelligence and empathy. It was highly selective, and only money and power seemed to flip that switch.
But Penny needed the Elder, and Kashaunta only had use for her as an asset. She palmed the new communicator Kashaunta had issued her after the last one's destruction. Kashaunta's hologram appeared. It looked around, noticing the news drones in the air.
"Not here."
"Where?"
"You will know."
In the mindscape, a Sprilnav appeared on Penny's layer. They felt odd to her, almost like the minds of certain humans high up in the hivemind's network. Penny greeted the Sprilnav warmly.
"Hello."
"Queen and Elder Kashaunta requests your presence on her flagship."
"Very well."
In reality, Penny looked around at the crowd. She waited until it dwindled to nothing, and then spoke.
"Displace."
Conceptual energy twisted, and she stood on Kashaunta's flagship, though nearer to the edge than she'd expected. The Elder was waiting for her in an outfit that looked much like pajamas, though they were under a few armor pieces that appeared anything but decorative. Now that Penny noticed it, it was the same sort of armor that Yasihaut had worn to their last encounter, which interfered with conceptual energy. The Sprilnav were highly advanced. She wondered just how far their technology could go. She'd heard mentions of some ships having artificial gravity, and of nanites and programmable matter. But nothing certain.
"Hmm," Kashaunta said, giving Penny a once over. "You have come back. Shall I assume you are still my ally?"
"Nervous, are we?"
"Nervous is what you should be, Penny. The Judgment is coming. Ten days. Indrafabar and Justicar will both be on the court as High Judges. That is not good for us at all. So I figured a bit of prudence was in order. I have thought long and hard about this, and with the great battles of our time so fast approaching, I figure it is time to mend our relationship before the chasm grows any wider."
Kashaunta motioned to a special looking sword sheath on her back. Slowly, she drew a sword. A Soul Blade. Penny began to draw up her armor.
"Oh, I am not wishing for a fight, Penny. I know the damage you could do, even in my sanctum in the sky. Tell me, do you know how Soul Blades are forged?"
"No."
"Good. And tell me, do you know why they draw so much power to swing, even for Elders and beings as capable as us?"
"I have a few theories."
"I am sure you do," Kashaunta said. "But here is the thing. Soul Blades are typically weapons assigned to highly promising Elders, or even Progenitors. Filnatra, undisputed sword master that she is, can wield them as easily as breathing. If I were to swing this blade, there would be no drawback. Why?"
"Because you own that Soul Blade."
"Because this Soul Blade is mine. It is not just something I own. I own around seven or so more Soul Blades, with some weapons nearing their quality lying in my various vaults even now. You did not detect them, because I willed that not to be. I need you to understand this, Penny. You have power. You have might. But you are not invincible. My Soul Blade, if it struck you, would not cutely separate Nilnacrawla or Cardinality from you. Nor would your speeding space entity be able to block this blade with his flesh. If this cut you, it would release unending agony upon you before you exploded in a burst of burnt gore."
Penny sighed. "There is no need to threaten me. Allies do not threaten each other."
"But you do not see me as an ally. You see me as your means to get through the Judgment. You believe I see you as nothing more but a linear singularity maker, and perhaps a passing curiosity I'm backing on a whim. You neglect to imagine that there might be firmer reasons why I back you, and why more Elders are getting drawn into this conflict. You believe I am comfortable with showing you my more pragmatic and ruthless sides because I am comfortable with the fact that you cannot harm me. That you would not dare to do so, when you need my assistance so badly. That I might even be aiming to normalize my 'new' self with you."
"That is hardly my belief alone."
"Is it now."
Kashaunta grinned. There was no warmth in her gaze.
"Nilnacrawla," Kashaunta said. "Cardinality. Exile. Come out and show yourselves. You are being rude as guests."
Exile detached from Penny's head. He grew into the shifting array of fractals and shapes she was more familiar with. What had once grated on her eyes did so no longer. Kashaunta stared at the speeding space entity for ten seconds, then looked back up at Penny.
"He will not work on us. I will cover his form with holograms if he walks through my ship out of courtesy for my workers and crew, if he cannot."
"I am capable, Queen Kashaunta."
"You are quite knowledgable, aren't you?" Kashaunta mused, looking at him hungrily. "Oh, how I wonder what secrets you have in your head. How many of ours do you know?"
"I will not be taken as a hostage," Exile said.
"You will not because I decide not to," Kashaunta said. "Formally, our species are still at war. There is no treaty."
"The Sp'rkial'nova no longer exist."
"Yes, they do," Kashaunta said. "The name was discontinued for use regarding the lesser specimens we created. But I can assure you, Exile, if you wish to go by that name here, that we still do exist. I am a Sp'rkial'nova in the flesh. In the blood. In the mind. In the soul."
"Say what you will, Sprilnav. It changes nothing."
"On that I agree. Though our views on how things are may differ, and yours is wrong, your opinion is not valuable enough to matter."
She turned to Penny. She would have defended Exile, but he gave her a simple shake of his head area.
Nilnacrawla formed out of psychic energy in front of Penny. Cardi did the same beside her. Kashaunta tapped a claw on the ground. Tables and chairs appeared. A chef brought in food that looked passable and a few decent attempts at human cuisine.
"We do not have to eat, though I would expect that all of you at least sit at the table. We will discuss our grievances, and how to solve them before we proceed with the future. We shall first go to the matter of the Alliance. Penny, many in their number wish to establish contact with you. Do you agree to this? If so, I will add their communicator numbers to the translation program I have reserved for your personal use, in case your own device needs another sudden replacement."
"I agree."
"Good. A first step of diplomacy, I would say. Agreement. Now, Nilnacrawla, you look like you have something to say to me. What is it?"
"Free Meridia."
"Meridia was detonated by planet cracker during the 139th Sector 9 Border War. I am sorry more could not be done."
A cold draft of air rushed out of Nilnacrawla's nose. He glared at her. "You let them die."
"I did not. A Grand Fleet was defending that star system, and three came to lay siege. I am many things. A tactician, a queen, an Elder. But I am not a god. I cannot perform miracles. I evacuated 30 billion people from that world and its surrounding stations before the planet crackers hit it. 4 trillion more souls died in that blast. The best I can do is to offer an apology."
"That will never be enough for what you did. If you had never established your nation, they would still be alive."
"They would be slaves. Chattel slaves, not that cute little 'wage slavery' concept privileged people throw around. Perhaps I should remind you just how much darker that reality would have been for your female descendents, specifically. I am a brutal warlord, a dictator with an iron fist. But my claws do not squeeze nearly as tightly as I could. Metrics say that I could extract at least 370% more profit from my people if I simply enslaved them. But despite the shock this may bring to you all, I do have principles. The Autonomous Peoples' Stars are my people. My nation. My empire, if you think I'm imperialist. But I protect them as best I can."
Nilnacrawla's cold anger didn't lessen. Penny placed a calming hand on his front left thigh. He blinked. He let out a long, pained sigh. And he bowed his head to her. Not to Kashaunta, but to Penny.
"There is no need to be cruel."
"My language was accurate, Penny. He is a strong Elder. Everlasting knows he's stronger than most of these fools. Nilnacrawla was and is a hero of the Source war. I respect him enough not to mince words, or to give platitudes. Coddling is for babies. Nilnacrawla is far more mature."
Kashaunta turned to Cardi. "You have been remarkably silent in this, concept."
"I have."
"A wonderfully succinct statement. Perhaps you can shorten it further. But nevertheless, you and I will be working together with Penny much more in the near future. Rest assured, if you refuse to become more independent, you will be nothing more than a crutch for her to rely on before leaving her to fall when you are ripped away."
"When, Elder? I would like to think your protection is sufficient."
"I am sure the truth is quite the opposite, dear. I will now get to the point. Penny needs to move faster, and needs to break out of her shell. She needs to be pushed to do more. She has signed a binding treaty, which shows she is capable of more than barbarian aliens, as some Elders would call her. You, Cardinality, will help her be a high achiever. To do this, you need to learn more about your own history.
That is the theme of the year, after all. History. My history, Penny's history, Sprilnav history, and even Gaia's history, it would seem."
"Gaia? What do they have to do with all of this?" Penny asked.
"Oh, you don't need to worry about that."
"Excuse me? You don't get to decide that, Kashaunta. You will tell me. I refuse to be coddled, like you say. I demand the respect I am owed."
"You forget yourself, Penny."
"I remember myself, actually. I am all I need to be. I can become all I need if I must. You can hold your backing against me all you want, but you won't withdraw it. As you said, more binds you and I than mere money and ideology."
"And if you're wrong?"
"Then I've doomed my species and my nation to war, and this planet to the full power of my wrath."
"Wrath, Penny. Wrath. The Sprilnav have many words for anger, rage, hatred. There is the desire for vengeance, in varying degrees. There is that for justice, which does differ. And that for belonging. I know you believe you are standing up to me as a way to assert your own authority in this relationship of ours. You believe I see you as inferior, and will pull back my help when it is profitable for me. I will not offer you the consequences of what your words could mean.
You already know them, and that argument is as stale as your view on us Elders. I will say this once, Penny. You are the Champion of Humanity. The apex predator of your planet, the only one mostly in charge of an Alliance that does more than merely dream of overthrowing us. It is easy for me to say you are not a threat, though I do not ignore the threat you and your nation are trying to become. Gaia will be a part of your movement, but even my information is not entirely complete. I will not mislead you by claiming I know Gaia's link to this, just that there likely is one.
And I am not unreasonably petty. I am willing to put all our animosity behind us and start anew. Even if you are not willing to do the same, I am willing to make this work for us. You have more people to care for than just the Alliance, now. Do not forget them."
"A lot of words that mean nothing."
"Because you heard, but did not listen. Perhaps it will be easier this way, Penny. I want you to win."
"Explain."
"You wish to overthrow the current Sprilnav led order of the galaxy. Your path to that will likely be through mass slave revolt. A viable strategy that I could spread far beyond just this planet. And I actually agree with you. This Judgment, this utter insanity around the Alliance and your species has shown me the truth. The Elders as a class and a species cannot be trusted to rule any longer. We need new leaders. Better leaders."
"And yourself?"
"As the hypocrite that I am, and the power-hungry ruler of the Sprilnav, I would obviously exclude myself from that number. Let's be realistic. The Sprilnav will never accept a non-Elder ruler. If you wish to see what our insurgencies would be like, imagine the 2090s Struggles of Asia. Expand that to billions of planets, large and small. Countless ships and space stations. We have more collective ships than you have people. And as your military planners know, there is no such thing as an unarmed ship. Without us, without me, your plans are stillborn. Your galactic Alliance or whatever you make will fall to pieces without proper counseling. In essence, my offer to you, and you alone, is this. The galaxy, for the Sprilnav."
"Who backs your offer, with the power to give it?"
Progenitors Lecalicus and Nova appeared in the room.
"I back Kashaunta," Lecalicus wheezed.
"I observe her offer, and wish it a proper outcome," Nova said.
"Thank you, esteemed Progenitors," Kashaunta said, standing just to bow to them. Penny stared at Nova, balling her fists.
"There will be time for battle later," he said. "But not now. Hear out her request. She does not make it lightly."
The Progenitors disappeared.
"If I accept your offer, it will be on a written record."
"No. It will not be, because if that record is written, my nation will be facing war on all sides. A better idea would be for us to keep this under wraps."
"Perfect for betrayal," Nilnacrawla muttered.
"It would be, yes. But consider the second part of this situation, Nilncrawla. If word of this galactic offer, not just the Pact, were to get out, which is why two Progenitors who know the price of interference were called here, it would mean the deaths of Penny and all her kind. Or do you forget what rapidly approaches us?"
Nilnacrawla frowned. "I did. I apologize, Penny."
Kashaunta spoke up again.
"Penny. You believe I will betray you. So I make an offer of collateral. An offer so unbelievably sacred for us Elders that many would recoil at the mere thought of it. Now that you have signed a backed treaty, you are fully qualified."
Kashaunta grabbed her Soul Blade and presented it to Penny.
"What does this mean?"
"Nilnacrawla, tell her," Kashaunta said. "She will trust your mouth more than mine."
"Bonded Soul Blades are priceless artifacts," Nilnacrawla said. "To offer one to another is the ultimate gesture of trust and respect among many martial Sprilnav cultures. It can also allow for a mind bridge, a soul pact, or a proposal for marriage between two great houses, martial families, or Elders of great wealth and power. To offer this to a human... to anyone... is an ultimate sign of backing, and one of trust.
It is a sacrosanct honor, the absolute agreement of speaking truth and respect. The words I can use in any human language are insufficient to describe the weight of this honor. This gesture is one of absolute truth. Family lines with hatred going back millions of years would never dare to violate this honor."
"Only one Elder in history did so, one who once led a group known as the Stannic Resistance. He does so no longer. Penny Balica, Champion of Humanity... if there is nothing else I can give you to prove that I do really back you, there is this."
"...Just how low are my chances in the Judgment for you to resort to this?" Penny asked.
"They are not zero, but your battle with be incredibly difficult even with this boon of mine. The future of the galaxy, I now realize, hinges on the outcome of this. If we do not have enough trust, they will sniff it out, and we will fail."
So she had no choice. But as Nilncrawla continued to explain in her mind, Kashaunta was getting the worse side of the deal. Which meant she was throwing her backing behind Penny for real, beyond all reproach and retraction. Kashaunta, the most powerful Elder in the galaxy.
"And if I reject this gift, or your reasons for it?"
"Circumstances would demand that I kill you and then myself using this blade as a way to cut apart the dishonor, before my remains are dumped into a black hole to be forgotten forever. I would not do this."
"A dark and archaic custom," Penny said. She would have said more, but she looked at Nilnacrawla's face. He was clearly deeply uncomfortable. Her five words had shaken him more than anything she'd ever said to him before.
"You do not understand," Nilnacrawla said. "This is not something to joke or lie about. With a Soul Blade Pact in play, all else must cease. Right now, there is you, and there is her. Accept or decline. The choice, your only choice, is yours."
"How will this look to the Elders in the court? To the Sprilnav, and the people who back me?"
She could see how it would be a boon and a curse.
"You, and I," Kashaunta said. "The whole of the universe between us right now is you and I. No others exist until this one act is done. There will be trust or there will be death. No in between. No middle ground. The nature of this bond will be a Pact of Blades."
Conceptual energy swirled between them. Penny's natural translation, as part of the hivemind, failed for the first time ever. Her communicator likewise did not translate the words Kashaunta spoke.
"Eis nama kaste Penny Balica, sun lanci Dorima Kashaunta. Ko'ri, lanci nupa bes na Dorima'Pecunyanova. Sp'rkial'nova. Sun. Homo Sapiens."
The air grew thick with tension. It was not just emotional, either. Psychic and conceptual energy gathered. The mindscape started to distort as more and more eyes began to view Kashaunta and Penny. But all of them were Sprilnav eyes. All of them were Progenitors. Nova's appeared brightest and largest, nearly six times the size of the next largest pair. They stared at her, sending psychic and conceptual energy down upon her in waves that forced her and Kashaunta to kneel to the ground.
"I apologize for my earlier words," Penny said. "I should not have denigrated this."
Penny stood for an hour, deeply contemplating the Pact. If it was as Nilnacrawla was describing to her, it was a promise that Kashaunta would not break. If she was offering it at all, especially to Penny, it meant she had a level of trust in Penny's capability far above what Penny had previously thought. Apparently, there were even higher agreements than this that were possible, with this Pact being the lowest level of bond and considered unbreakable with the enforcement of consequences coming from the Progenitors themselves.
She thought of her place in Justicar and the wider universe. Hours passed like water. And then, by the end of it, after nearly 19 hours, Penny finally had decided. She gave a short nod to Kashaunta, who had been kneeling to Nova all this time.
Kashaunta gestured at the sword. "Tol, nopa shikai."
Nilnacrawla fed her a few suggestions on what she would need to say.
"I come to this Pact seeking peace, justice, and hope," Penny said. "And a promise not to betray one another, by lies or by treachery."
Nilnacrawla translated Kashaunta's next words to her.
"I come to this seeking trust, understanding, respect, and peace," Kashaunta said. "And a promise not to betray one another, by lies or by treachery. I make this Pact before the gods, those who equal them, and those who surpass them. I bind them to an oath of silence regarding this event, until I directly instruct them otherwise, in a state of a sound mind, body, and soul. Here, we shall step into a future that needs both of us, casting aside that which is unimportant to focus on the ultimate goals we have. I offer my Blade to Penny Balica, of species Homo Sapiens. In this way, we forge a new future, and walk a new path. I accept the Pact."
"I accept the Pact."
Nova and a hundred Progenitors descended. Nova grew larger, and Kashaunta knelt to him. Penny remained standing. His sharp teeth glittered in the light. He pressed his claws to Penny's chest, and to Kashaunta's chest.
"The Pact of Blades is made before the Progenitors. We agree to your vow of silence. The penalty of breaking it will be dismemberment and disposal into a black hole. Penny Balica, Engineer Kashaunta. To break this Pact without mutual agreement is to call down our collective wrath upon yourselves. You both have agreed, and are of sound mind, body, and soul. The Pact is forged. By sword, by word, by action. I, Nova, Everlasting, Lord of the Progenitors, King of all Sp'rkial'nova, Heir to the Mantle of Power, Heir to Narvravarana, Progenitor, Elder, and Sprilnav, declare the deed done, etched in time, space, and Reality."
They winked out of existence one by one, leaving Penny and Kashaunta alone, to ponder the future. Penny's thoughts turned to the Judgment, and her confidence she could win it began to waver. How much worse was this Judgment going to be than before?
Penny stared at Kashaunta's Soul Blade. With careful fingers, she took it. Kashaunta sat up, satisfied.
"Now we can begin. I shall compile all the news about you I can find, and we shall see how to address the questions the High Judges will ask. Now that you trust me, I cannot betray you."

If you have a game list, comment/link it down below and I can take a look at it.
My REP Page
112 Operator
8Doors: Arum's Afterlife Adventure
911 Operator
A New Beginning - Final Cut
A Plague Tale: Innocence
AER Memories of Old
Adom
Aegis Defenders
Age of Wonders III
Ageless
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
All You Can Eat
As Far as the Eye
Atomicrops
Automachef
BPM: Bullets Per Minute
Bad North: Jotunn Edition
Banners of Ruin
Batman: Arkham Asylum Game of the Year Edition
Batman: Arkham Origins
Bee Simulator
Beyond the Wire
Black Book
Black Future '88
Black Skylands
Bloodstained
Book of Demons
Borderlands 3
Borderlands 3: Directors Cut
Boreal Blade
Broken Age
Call of Duty®: WWII - Call of Duty Endowment Bravery Pack
Call of Duty®: WWII - Call of Duty Endowment Fear Not Pack
Carto
Cepheus Protocol
Children of Morta
Command and Conquer Remastered Collection (Origin)
Corridor Z
Crowntakers
Crying Suns
Curse of the Dead Gods
Cyber Hook
Dagon: by H. P. Lovecraft - The Eldritch Box DLC
Darkest Dungeon Shieldbreaker DLC
Deadly Days
Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
Deep Rock Galactic
Desolate
DiRT Rally 2.0 - H2 RWD Double Pack
DiRT Rally 2.0 - Opel Manta 400
Dirt 5
Dirt Rally
Dirt Rally 2.0 - Porsche 911 RGT Rally Spec
Disjunction (GOG Launcher)
Doom Eternal SE
Draw Slasher
Drawful 2
Due Process
ENCODYA (GOG)
EarthNight
Eastside Hockey Manager
Effie
Elderborn
Electrician Simulator
Endless Space 2
Endless Space® - Collection
Endzone - A World Apart
FALLOUT 76 (Steam Key)
FRAMED Collection
FRIENDS VS FRIENDS
Fling to the Finish
For The King
Fort Triumph
Frostpunk: The Rifts DLC
Fun with Ragdolls
Fury Unleashed
GARAGE: Bad Trip
GOLDEN LIGHT
GRIME
GameGuru
Genesis Alpha One Deluxe Edition
Going Under
Gold Rush! Classic
Golf With Your Friends - OST
Gonner
Gunscape
Guts and Glory
HERO'S HOUR
HIJAC (Honey I Joined a Cult)
Hammerting
Heaven's Vault
Hedon Bloodrite
Hero Siege Complete
Hiveswap Friendsim
House Flipper
If Found....
Ikenfell
Iris and the Giant
JURASSIC WORLD EVOLUTION 2
John Wick Hex
Juno: New Origins
Jurassic World Evolution - Deluxe Dinosaur Pack
Katana Zero
Kerbal Space Program
Kill It With Fire
Killsquad
Kingdom Classic
Kingdom Come: Deliverance – Treasures of The Past
Kingdom Two Crowns
Knights of Pen and Paper 2
Lacuna - A Sci-Fi Noir Adventure
Last Oasis
Legend of Keepers
Lovecraft's Untold Stories
MORTAL KOMBAT XL
Mad Max
Man of Medan
Maneater
Max Payne 3 (GOG Launcher)
Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor GOTY
Milky Way Prince – The Vampire Star
Mobius Front '83
Moon Hunters
Narita Boy
Neon Abyss
Newt One
Nex Machina
Nimbatus The Space Drone Constructor
No Time to Explain Remastered
Not For Broadcast
Not Tonight
Nowhere Prophet
OTHERCIDE
Orbital Racer
Orwell: Ignorance is Strength
Out of Reach: Treasure Royale
Out of Space
Outward - Soundtrack
Overcooked! 2 - Too Many Cooks
Overlord II
PGA TOUR 2K21
Panzer Paladin
Paradise Killer
Partisans 1941
Path of Giants
Paw Paw Paw
Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
Pesterquest
Phoenix Point Year One Edition
Planet Coaster - World's Fair Pack
Planet of the Eyes
Plunge
Police Stories
Popup Dungeon
Project Wingman
Project Winter
Quantum Break
Radio Commander
Railway Empire
Realpolitiks
Regular Human Basketball
Remnants of Naezith
Ring of Pain
Rise of Industry
Roarr! Jurassic Edition
Rogue Heroes: Ruins of Tasos
Rover Mechanic Simulator
Rustler
Ryse: Son of Rome
Röki
S.W.I.N.E. HD Remaster
SUPERHOT
SUPERHOT: MIND CONTROL DELETE
SYSTEM SHOCK: ENHANCED EDITION
Saints Row
Secret Neighbor
Shing!
Siege Survival: Gloria Victis
Simple Rockets 2
Skullgirls 2nd Encore
Snowtopia
StarCrossed
Starbound
Still There
Streets of Fury EX
Stubbs the Zombie in Rebel Without a Pulse
Stygian: Reign of the Old Ones
Supraland
Swag & Sorcery
Sword Legacy Omen
Syberia 3
THRONEBREAKER: THE WITCHER TALES
TOHU
Tabletop Playground
Terraformers
Textorcist
The Ambassador: Fractured Timelines
The Ascent
The Ball
The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante
The Surge 2
The Survivalists
This War of Mine
Timelie
Tools Up!
Tooth and Tail
Townsmen - A Kingdom Rebuilt
Train Station Renovation
Tribes of Midgard
Turbo Golf Racing
Turnip Boy Commits Tax Evasion
Vertiginous Golf
Victoria 3
Voidigo
WARSAW
WRATH: Aeon of Ruin
WWE 2K Battlegrounds (EU Key)
Wargroove
We Need to Go Deeper
Werewolf: The Apocalypse — Heart of the Forest
West of Dead
When Ski Lifts Goes Wrong
Wingspan
Worms Rumble
Worms Rumble - Legends Pack DLC
X-Morph: Defense + European Assault, Survival of the Fittest, and Last Bastion DLC
XCOM® 2: Reinforcement Pack
XCOM® 2: Resistance Warrior Pack
Yakuza 3
Yakuza: Like a Dragon
Yes, Your Grace
Yoku's Island Express
Yooka-Laylee
Yooka-Laylee and the Impossible Lair
[Want]
Game Offers
Paypal
Midnight Fight Express
Nobody Saves the World
Lords and Villeins
Tiny Tina's Wonderlands Chaotic Great Edition
The Outer Worlds Spacer's Choice Edition
Yakuza 4 Remastered
Marvel's Midnight Suns

If you have a game list, comment/link it down below and I can take a look at it.
My REP Page
112 Operator
8Doors: Arum's Afterlife Adventure
911 Operator
A New Beginning - Final Cut
A Plague Tale: Innocence
AER Memories of Old
Adom
Aegis Defenders
Age of Wonders III
Ageless
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
All You Can Eat
As Far as the Eye
Atomicrops
Automachef
BPM: Bullets Per Minute
Bad North: Jotunn Edition
Banners of Ruin
Batman: Arkham Asylum Game of the Year Edition
Batman: Arkham Origins
Bee Simulator
Beyond the Wire
Black Book
Black Future '88
Black Skylands
Bloodstained
Book of Demons
Borderlands 3
Borderlands 3: Directors Cut
Boreal Blade
Broken Age
Call of Duty®: WWII - Call of Duty Endowment Bravery Pack
Call of Duty®: WWII - Call of Duty Endowment Fear Not Pack
Carto
Cepheus Protocol
Children of Morta
Command and Conquer Remastered Collection (Origin)
Corridor Z
Crowntakers
Crying Suns
Curse of the Dead Gods
Cyber Hook
Dagon: by H. P. Lovecraft - The Eldritch Box DLC
Darkest Dungeon Shieldbreaker DLC
Deadly Days
Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
Deep Rock Galactic
Desolate
DiRT Rally 2.0 - H2 RWD Double Pack
DiRT Rally 2.0 - Opel Manta 400
Dirt 5
Dirt Rally
Dirt Rally 2.0 - Porsche 911 RGT Rally Spec
Disjunction (GOG Launcher)
Doom Eternal SE
Draw Slasher
Drawful 2
Due Process
ENCODYA (GOG)
EarthNight
Eastside Hockey Manager
Effie
Elderborn
Electrician Simulator
Endless Space 2
Endless Space® - Collection
Endzone - A World Apart
FALLOUT 76 (Steam Key)
FRAMED Collection
FRIENDS VS FRIENDS
Fling to the Finish
For The King
Fort Triumph
Frostpunk: The Rifts DLC
Fun with Ragdolls
Fury Unleashed
GARAGE: Bad Trip
GOLDEN LIGHT
GRIME
GameGuru
Genesis Alpha One Deluxe Edition
Going Under
Gold Rush! Classic
Golf With Your Friends - OST
Gonner
Gunscape
Guts and Glory
HERO'S HOUR
HIJAC (Honey I Joined a Cult)
Hammerting
Heaven's Vault
Hedon Bloodrite
Hero Siege Complete
Hiveswap Friendsim
House Flipper
If Found....
Ikenfell
Iris and the Giant
JURASSIC WORLD EVOLUTION 2
John Wick Hex
Juno: New Origins
Jurassic World Evolution - Deluxe Dinosaur Pack
Katana Zero
Kerbal Space Program
Kill It With Fire
Killsquad
Kingdom Classic
Kingdom Come: Deliverance – Treasures of The Past
Kingdom Two Crowns
Knights of Pen and Paper 2
Lacuna - A Sci-Fi Noir Adventure
Last Oasis
Legend of Keepers
Lovecraft's Untold Stories
MORTAL KOMBAT XL
Mad Max
Man of Medan
Maneater
Max Payne 3 (GOG Launcher)
Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor GOTY
Milky Way Prince – The Vampire Star
Mobius Front '83
Moon Hunters
Narita Boy
Neon Abyss
Newt One
Nex Machina
Nimbatus The Space Drone Constructor
No Time to Explain Remastered
Not For Broadcast
Not Tonight
Nowhere Prophet
OTHERCIDE
Orbital Racer
Orwell: Ignorance is Strength
Out of Reach: Treasure Royale
Out of Space
Outward - Soundtrack
Overcooked! 2 - Too Many Cooks
Overlord II
PGA TOUR 2K21
Panzer Paladin
Paradise Killer
Partisans 1941
Path of Giants
Paw Paw Paw
Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
Pesterquest
Phoenix Point Year One Edition
Planet Coaster - World's Fair Pack
Planet of the Eyes
Plunge
Police Stories
Popup Dungeon
Project Wingman
Project Winter
Quantum Break
Radio Commander
Railway Empire
Realpolitiks
Regular Human Basketball
Remnants of Naezith
Ring of Pain
Rise of Industry
Roarr! Jurassic Edition
Rogue Heroes: Ruins of Tasos
Rover Mechanic Simulator
Rustler
Ryse: Son of Rome
Röki
S.W.I.N.E. HD Remaster
SUPERHOT
SUPERHOT: MIND CONTROL DELETE
SYSTEM SHOCK: ENHANCED EDITION
Saints Row
Secret Neighbor
Shing!
Siege Survival: Gloria Victis
Simple Rockets 2
Skullgirls 2nd Encore
Snowtopia
StarCrossed
Starbound
Still There
Streets of Fury EX
Stubbs the Zombie in Rebel Without a Pulse
Stygian: Reign of the Old Ones
Supraland
Swag & Sorcery
Sword Legacy Omen
Syberia 3
THRONEBREAKER: THE WITCHER TALES
TOHU
Tabletop Playground
Terraformers
Textorcist
The Ambassador: Fractured Timelines
The Ascent
The Ball
The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante
The Surge 2
The Survivalists
This War of Mine
Timelie
Tools Up!
Tooth and Tail
Townsmen - A Kingdom Rebuilt
Train Station Renovation
Tribes of Midgard
Turbo Golf Racing
Turnip Boy Commits Tax Evasion
Vertiginous Golf
Victoria 3
Voidigo
WARSAW
WRATH: Aeon of Ruin
WWE 2K Battlegrounds (EU Key)
Wargroove
We Need to Go Deeper
Werewolf: The Apocalypse — Heart of the Forest
West of Dead
When Ski Lifts Goes Wrong
Wingspan
Worms Rumble
Worms Rumble - Legends Pack DLC
X-Morph: Defense + European Assault, Survival of the Fittest, and Last Bastion DLC
XCOM® 2: Reinforcement Pack
XCOM® 2: Resistance Warrior Pack
Yakuza 3
Yakuza: Like a Dragon
Yes, Your Grace
Yoku's Island Express
Yooka-Laylee
Yooka-Laylee and the Impossible Lair
[Want]
Game Offers
Paypal
Midnight Fight Express
Nobody Saves the World
Lords and Villeins
Tiny Tina's Wonderlands Chaotic Great Edition
The Outer Worlds Spacer's Choice Edition
Yakuza 4 Remastered
Marvel's Midnight Suns

If you have a game list, comment/link it down below and I can take a look at it.
My REP Page
112 Operator
8Doors: Arum's Afterlife Adventure
911 Operator
A New Beginning - Final Cut
A Plague Tale: Innocence
AER Memories of Old
Adom
Aegis Defenders
Age of Wonders III
Ageless
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
All You Can Eat
As Far as the Eye
Atomicrops
Automachef
BPM: Bullets Per Minute
Bad North: Jotunn Edition
Banners of Ruin
Batman: Arkham Asylum Game of the Year Edition
Batman: Arkham Origins
Bee Simulator
Beyond the Wire
Black Book
Black Future '88
Black Skylands
Bloodstained
Book of Demons
Borderlands 3
Borderlands 3: Directors Cut
Boreal Blade
Broken Age
Call of Duty®: WWII - Call of Duty Endowment Bravery Pack
Call of Duty®: WWII - Call of Duty Endowment Fear Not Pack
Carto
Cepheus Protocol
Children of Morta
Command and Conquer Remastered Collection (Origin)
Corridor Z
Crowntakers
Crying Suns
Curse of the Dead Gods
Cyber Hook
Dagon: by H. P. Lovecraft - The Eldritch Box DLC
Darkest Dungeon Shieldbreaker DLC
Deadly Days
Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
Deep Rock Galactic
Desolate
DiRT Rally 2.0 - H2 RWD Double Pack
DiRT Rally 2.0 - Opel Manta 400
Dirt 5
Dirt Rally
Dirt Rally 2.0 - Porsche 911 RGT Rally Spec
Disjunction (GOG Launcher)
Doom Eternal SE
Draw Slasher
Drawful 2
Due Process
ENCODYA (GOG)
EarthNight
Eastside Hockey Manager
Effie
Elderborn
Electrician Simulator
Endless Space 2
Endless Space® - Collection
Endzone - A World Apart
FALLOUT 76 (Steam Key)
FRAMED Collection
FRIENDS VS FRIENDS
Fling to the Finish
For The King
Fort Triumph
Frostpunk: The Rifts DLC
Fun with Ragdolls
Fury Unleashed
GARAGE: Bad Trip
GOLDEN LIGHT
GRIME
GameGuru
Genesis Alpha One Deluxe Edition
Going Under
Gold Rush! Classic
Golf With Your Friends - OST
Gonner
Gunscape
Guts and Glory
HERO'S HOUR
HIJAC (Honey I Joined a Cult)
Hammerting
Heaven's Vault
Hedon Bloodrite
Hero Siege Complete
Hiveswap Friendsim
House Flipper
If Found....
Ikenfell
Iris and the Giant
JURASSIC WORLD EVOLUTION 2
John Wick Hex
Juno: New Origins
Jurassic World Evolution - Deluxe Dinosaur Pack
Katana Zero
Kerbal Space Program
Kill It With Fire
Killsquad
Kingdom Classic
Kingdom Come: Deliverance – Treasures of The Past
Kingdom Two Crowns
Knights of Pen and Paper 2
Lacuna - A Sci-Fi Noir Adventure
Last Oasis
Legend of Keepers
Lovecraft's Untold Stories
MORTAL KOMBAT XL
Mad Max
Man of Medan
Maneater
Max Payne 3 (GOG Launcher)
Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor GOTY
Milky Way Prince – The Vampire Star
Mobius Front '83
Moon Hunters
Narita Boy
Neon Abyss
Newt One
Nex Machina
Nimbatus The Space Drone Constructor
No Time to Explain Remastered
Not For Broadcast
Not Tonight
Nowhere Prophet
OTHERCIDE
Orbital Racer
Orwell: Ignorance is Strength
Out of Reach: Treasure Royale
Out of Space
Outward - Soundtrack
Overcooked! 2 - Too Many Cooks
Overlord II
PGA TOUR 2K21
Panzer Paladin
Paradise Killer
Partisans 1941
Path of Giants
Paw Paw Paw
Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
Pesterquest
Phoenix Point Year One Edition
Planet Coaster - World's Fair Pack
Planet of the Eyes
Plunge
Police Stories
Popup Dungeon
Project Wingman
Project Winter
Quantum Break
Radio Commander
Railway Empire
Realpolitiks
Regular Human Basketball
Remnants of Naezith
Ring of Pain
Rise of Industry
Roarr! Jurassic Edition
Rogue Heroes: Ruins of Tasos
Rover Mechanic Simulator
Rustler
Ryse: Son of Rome
Röki
S.W.I.N.E. HD Remaster
SUPERHOT
SUPERHOT: MIND CONTROL DELETE
SYSTEM SHOCK: ENHANCED EDITION
Saints Row
Secret Neighbor
Shing!
Siege Survival: Gloria Victis
Simple Rockets 2
Skullgirls 2nd Encore
Snowtopia
StarCrossed
Starbound
Still There
Streets of Fury EX
Stubbs the Zombie in Rebel Without a Pulse
Stygian: Reign of the Old Ones
Supraland
Swag & Sorcery
Sword Legacy Omen
Syberia 3
THRONEBREAKER: THE WITCHER TALES
TOHU
Tabletop Playground
Terraformers
Textorcist
The Ambassador: Fractured Timelines
The Ascent
The Ball
The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante
The Surge 2
The Survivalists
This War of Mine
Timelie
Tools Up!
Tooth and Tail
Townsmen - A Kingdom Rebuilt
Train Station Renovation
Tribes of Midgard
Turbo Golf Racing
Turnip Boy Commits Tax Evasion
Vertiginous Golf
Victoria 3
Voidigo
WARSAW
WRATH: Aeon of Ruin
WWE 2K Battlegrounds (EU Key)
Wargroove
We Need to Go Deeper
Werewolf: The Apocalypse — Heart of the Forest
West of Dead
When Ski Lifts Goes Wrong
Wingspan
Worms Rumble
Worms Rumble - Legends Pack DLC
X-Morph: Defense + European Assault, Survival of the Fittest, and Last Bastion DLC
XCOM® 2: Reinforcement Pack
XCOM® 2: Resistance Warrior Pack
Yakuza 3
Yakuza: Like a Dragon
Yes, Your Grace
Yoku's Island Express
Yooka-Laylee
Yooka-Laylee and the Impossible Lair
[Want]
Game Offers
Paypal
Midnight Fight Express
Nobody Saves the World
Lords and Villeins
Tiny Tina's Wonderlands Chaotic Great Edition
The Outer Worlds Spacer's Choice Edition
Yakuza 4 Remastered
Marvel's Midnight Suns

I'm from a very complicated family, everyone contributes to this weirdest family relationships.
Long story short, parents been separated for 15-20yrs, Mother is 'NPD' controlling freak who hates me and wishes me dead, but slightly changed how she treats since I've been working. My elder brother is not close to me at all, thanks to Mother's manipulation that turned him against me. Father, oh, Father is just... I don't know how to talk about him, I'll try to not put too much emotional stuff in this.
Father worked really hard to raise us two kids. I used to be so sad just watching him going through daily hard labor work, day after day. As you can imagine, he does not make much.
My brother has caused lots of trouble, starting with before I even got to school, families would constantly tell him, his life was degraded because of my birth, which is probably true. Mother would say, look how much your brother sacrificed for me and whatever I ate, my brother spared for me, etc. ever since I was a baby.
While we were still in school, my brother tried to rob some taxi driver and got into lots of trouble. I watched Father’s hair turn grey overnight. Then he got a girl pregnant, and her parents threatened to sue him ‘raping the girl’. Father’s hair went almost completely grey that year.
Father looked so much older during those few years. I feel so terrible cause I was not helping much.
Parents fought every year, especially around festivals. I hate festivals and family reunions as bad as you can imagine.
Even years later now, it sets me in this dramatically desperately sad mode even just talking with them. At least a whole week would be super messed up and then slowly adjusting myself back to be a normal person.
See I really appreciate how Father has done for us and he even got me through college. I witnessed all the pain and hard work he put done for this.
I was close to him but in a weird way, I often hate him too, trying to keep my distance. I didn’t understand why.
Until the 3^rd year in college, one of my friends was really depressed for a while, one day she was talking about some really difficult stuff she was going through with her dad, I was trying to listen and help her through that period.
And suddenly it hit me so hard, shit, think my dad did the same thing to me as well.
That day opened up a gap in that forced to be closed slowly healed rough ugly scar from family traumas, all those left behind memories flooded back to me. Ever since then, I have been in an even worse condition. All the sadness, oh boy, even today, I’m in tears just typing these words.
My uncle is a rapist. Before he was sent to jail, he pulled my pants as well, he didn’t do anything further besides watching, at least that one time that know of, nothing else happened. I was about maybe 5yrs old, I didn’t know what it meant. The year he was arrested, I was already in elementary school and starting to know that was, maybe, not right. When I told my parents about it, and they said, well just shut up about it and don’t mention it to anyone else, you should be ashamed.
When I was about 10yrs old, I started to be sent to semi foster type of families, mainly neighbors, because parents had to work somewhere else, and brother started boarding school. My foster family are generally nice to me, treated me well, fed me 3 meals a day. Food makes people happy.
I was also happy because Father wasn’t around.
The first time I sensed danger I was about 9yrs old.
Again, Mother had never ever told me anything about what is like being a girl, how to deal with period, breast may start to have some changes, wear underwear, wash and clean lady parts, etc. nothing.
I didn’t exist in that house unless she needed someone to vent. As you can see, I was smart, I made myself invisible as much as I could.
Around 4^th grade I had to do some performance for children’s day, our headmaster accidentally realized I was not wearing any undergarments, so she kindly gave me some of her granddaughter’s. After that performance, I started to wear those every day. They look more like little cami top shirts.
One day I woke up, I was already late for school. I got so scared, and I started crying. Father was often more patient with me. He was comforting me and told me to get off bed and get ready for school. I was crying and I wasn’t paying much attention to what he said. And suddenly I realized he stopped talking. I looked up and watched him staring at me, he looked so strange and oddly scary at that moment, not like he was beat me or anything, like a … predator. I tried to figure out what caught his attention and then I realized, half of my breast was showing because the undergarments were too big for me, and I moved when sitting up in bed.
I immediately stopped crying and pulled it up. But I would never forget his eyes, the way he stared at my breasts. It often makes me sick whenever thinking about it even today. I was confused and a bit scared, and I guess ever since then it sort of startled me, the love for my father. But again, I was too young to understand what happened and I did not have anyone around me to tell me girls’ changes around certain age.
Father soon left for a few years, and I was really relived. I don’t know how to describe this feeling and I could only understand myself better till years later.
After Father left, I started going around semi foster families, including my grandparents’ place. Around summertime, I realized the bathroom lock broke, so I just blocked it from inside with chairs every time taking a shower. Still one day, my grandfather forced in and claimed he needed something from the inside. I stood there naked for a second, then rushed to get my clothing and rushed out of the bathroom.
Ever since then, I tried everything to lock that door even more solidly and it worked. The problem is, even today, living thousands of miles away from where I grew up with, I am still extremely insecure with door locks, I buy all sorts of locks to double lock every door, using door stoppers as well.
Then one day, Father just showed up in my school again. He was back. I was happy but deep down something also quietly but terribly disturbed my peace.
One afternoon, while taking a shower, I suddenly felt weird. I started looking around and didn’t find anything odd. But that feeling keeps coming back. So, I looked around again; this time, I saw Father’s face and his eyes were by the window and staring at me, he was so concentrated and didn’t even realize I already saw him. I had to ask him what he was doing there, and he told me he was checking if I finished taking a shower. He looked panicked just like years ago when I busted him staring at my breasts when I was still in 4^th grade.
There were so many little things that happened when I was a kid, but I did not have the knowledge to distinguish what that meant.
I remember starting from one day, my grandmother started to guard me right outside the bathroom every time I took a shower. I didn’t know what that was for, she never mentioned anything, also because she was never that close to me, and I was the least favorite kid.
It’s like a puzzle. So many things started to connect, so many memories I buried deep down started to come back to me. I was so depressed for the first few years after I realized what happened to me when I was a kid. My friend’s memory somewhat triggered my memory valve as well.
About the time I started looking for internships, I was really busy, and it was stressful. One early morning, on the way to work I picked up a call from Father. He told me he was going to commit suicide but didn’t do it because of me.
Mother is really toxic which was not news to me, and they had separated for so many years and I really pity him. I had lots of terrible memories regarding Mother, I thought about suicide so many times every day for many many years ever since I learned the word ‘death’. I just never thought Father was gonna say it out first. It really shocked me, and I was really terrified. But again, death was never an extreme word for me, it was like a relief from my parents. See confused and scared, never knew what’s really going in my mind. I had so much to deal with and I felt I was going to explode but I didn’t have time for that, I was graduating college that year.
But since that, my previous thoughts about confronting Father about his perverting behaviors when I was kid, it just could not be done.
Now for years, I was torn again and again with thoughts about confronting him also worrying it might humiliate him and caused his suicidal thoughts again. I couldn’t tell if he was just trying to manipulate me or was really desperate.
Father worked hard raising my brother and me, and I got into college.
I have been depressed for years, struggling all the time, cutting myself at times when super extremely desperate and couldn’t do anything about it. I would buy tickets traveling all over the world and put parents’ names in my travel insurance, hoping that would pay them back if anything happened.
When I was about 30yrs old, finally one day I confronted him, twice, in person and on the phone, and he denied of course.
Again, I didn’t want to say anything and get him killed, so I stayed quiet for quite a few years again.
But in recent years, I couldn’t help it. I started screaming at him in my dreams and it kept me awake for days after such dreams.
A few days ago, I texted him about it and wanted an apology. I need closure. I desperately need it. I wasn’t planning to go any further than that and I was ready to let it go if he just admits it and just apologize.
After all, for many people, it might not even be considered as such an evil thing to do, right? I don’t know, I am super exhausted and confused.
He soon replied, of course he denied again and saying I was humiliating him, and he said if I still do not believe him, I should consider him dead. Also, he said, you two are my kids, what is there that I have never seen on you two anyways?
I cried for the whole night.
It is so disgusting that he really tried to manipulate me to accept what he said with suicidal/ death threatening, also how he tried to justify his behaviors.
I wished him well and promised to send money when I can, but also told him I won’t be talking to him anymore.
This is as much as I could have done for that little kid when I look back, that little me. It was not as expected but I have to let it go now.
I so wish someone could tell me how someone can be a father also a monster. I don’t know if I am being dramatic about these ‘little things’. I am so worried about he might kill himself because I wouldn’t know how to cure myself with that strike.
But I am in so much pain inside and as always I want to save myself. Every time talking to him is like sharpening this knife to cut open this giant ugly roughly almost healed scar. It’s so ugly and painful.

Asgard 1827
The Trial of Asgard made national news in Valhalla . Brunhilde stood there in front of many gods, each vote determining her faith . Does she live or die ? Only odin can make that judgment. Heimdall opened a pamphlet speaking though his horn “ Brunhilde, eldest sister of the gods ! You stand accused of crimes against Humanity and Goding alike ! How do you plead ? “. Brunhilde rolled her eyes before speaking her mind . “How do I plead ? What crimes are you talking about ? I was making coffee before me and Randgriz were arrested on the spot “ she spoke out . “ Don't play dumb Brunhilde I saw you cast forbidden spells and illegal magic “ Odin told everyone. Despite the bold straight up lie hilde remained as calm as ever . Using magic and spells is more for Gondul and she is too smart to get caught. What did Odin really want and why is he dragging Randgriz of all demigods.“Nonsense ! My sister would never so such a ““SILENCE “ Odin shouted but Randgriz stood her ground ready to face death itself to protect Brunhilde. Meanwhile in another area. Loki used his blades to slice the doors open splitting them in half. Beelzebub was in the middle of an experiment his red eyes shooting at loki. “This better be good “ he whispered. “It is Brunhilde and Randgriz lives are a stake during the trial “ Loki spat out in a panicked state . “ Why should I care about some demigod's life when I don't even care about my own? “ Beel questioned. “It's because I know you hate Odin and would do anything to spite him how dare he label you as a freak when he is just as bad “ Loki answered “ Hurry we are running out of time ! “ . “What do you get out of this ? “ Beel stood up . “ I owe Brunhilde a favor “ A flashback of small Loki almost getting eaten by a giant snake until Brunhilde saved him by slicing it in half with a scythe
. “Be more careful child “ she turned around seeing the scared loki shiver .
The flash back ended with Brunhilde standing off to Odin . “Confess your crime or serve death “ A purple hue spear floated over him. “ I choose death, “ Brunhilde replied. “ Brun no ! “ Randgriz screamed buy it was too late . The spear launched at her body with such force blood she was pushed back to the wall. Brunhilde refused to give up despite all the pain seeping into her. “ This is the end of the road valkyrie…” Odin whispering. The last thing she saw was the gods demonic smile before everything faced to black.
“Is she alive ? “
“Wait “
“What if he killed her ? “
“Wait “
“ Is she dead ?”
“I will slap you “
“Yikes chill emo “
Brunhilde woke up in the lab with purple ,red and green eyes staring at her. “ What just happened…” Brunhilde felt a tight hug from Randgriz “ You are alive! “ Grizz cried out. “Yes …I am …” Brunhilde realized. “However at a price ….” Beel commented . “What did you do demon? “ Brunhilde hissed . “ Weird way of thanking someone for saving your life “ Beel brushed that comment off. The valkyrie gave him a weird look , “ Don't mention it I only did it to piss off Odin “ Beel shrugged. “Wait Mr Beel what “price “ are you talking about ? “ Grizz asked. “Oh well being a demigod you are more human then god now “ Loki jumped in stuttering at every word. “Meaning you can't fly , super strength and speed is gone, no more soul connection or anything that would make you a valkyrie “ Loki explained some more “ I had to do something to get Beel to save your life “. “ I'm not mad Loki “ Brunhilde took a deep breath “ This is just a sign that I need to leave asgard now …” Brunhilde stated . “I'm coming with you “ Randgriz sat next to her “ If I stay I'm dead Valkyrie walking “. “Plus it's no longer possible to survive here, however despite losing most of your powers there is still a place for you “ Beel mentioned “ Loki will take you “ . “Wait, what about our sisters ! “ Randgriz started to cry . Loki and Beelzebub looked at each other. “ We will figure that part out but remember if Odin catches wind they die too “ Loki pointed out . “Yes but faking our deaths still sounds horrible, “ Randgriz shook her head. “ Alright I'll do something you will see them again soon “ Beel told her “ Overall you both need to leave as soon as possible “ . “Follow me there is not much time “ Loki used his magic to make a portal . The scenery revealed a large Eiffel tower and people walking by . “ Once we step in there is no going back “ Randgriz shivered. “We don't have a choice “ Brunhilde stepped in holding Randgriz hand to help her . “Even if we never meet again Lord Loki, thank you for saving my life “ Brunhilde bowed down. “ No Brunhilde…thank you for saving mine “ Loki smiled, closing the portal. “So this is our new home “ Randgriz looked around seeing things that just aren't familiar anymore .
5 years later 1832
Late in the afternoon at the Salle Pleyel concert there was the sound of the piano . The fast paced music made everyone in the area cheer . The musician had blonde brown hair that passed his ears . He waved it back and forth like a rockstar smashing his keyboards so hard you would think he broke them. The crowd cheered his name “LISZT LISZT LISZT LISZT “ , fangirls jumped up and down going crazy over him . Brunhilde and Randgriz sat down in chairs watching the man go , “ His music is very rough and insane ..reminds me of home listening to vikings “ Brunhilde mentioned. “ I don't know who is making me more deaf the music or the annoying girls “ Randgriz covered her ears, “If it's too much for you then why did you bother coming? “ Brunhilde gave her a look. “ I don't wanna be alone “ Grizz admitted, “By the way ,..why are you wearing a suit “ Brunhilde wondered . “ The human women show too much window and well sister you don't show just the window the entire frame is gone leaving only thin fabric “ Randgriz gave her honest opinion. “ I don't need a lesson on modesty “ Brunhilde focused her attention on Liszt who kept playing . His piercing green eyes gave her a wink . “Was he winking at me ? “ Brunhilde turned to Randgriz. “Probably or at the other women fawning over him “ Grizz stated . “Yeah you're right “ Brunhilde relaxed some more “Not like I care he is a massive playboy breaking one heart after another I'm not going to fall for that plus I'm not a noble “. “You are right Hilde you aren't..you are a demigod , from our divine perspective human nobility is just fancy talk for commoner” Grizz whispered.
“ Randy shhhh we aren't in Valhalla anymore “ Brun reminded her , “ If looks could kill you would be a serial killer by now “ Randgriz laughed “ I mean I'm not wrong if an Archduke came to Valhalla and started bossing everyone he would be laughed at “. That comment made by a few folks behind her gave the sisters an irritated glare . “Shhh “ a man right next to Randgriz silenced her with his white glove .The concert ended leaving Liszt to step off the stage . He was quickly surrounded by fans causing Brunhilde to leave until she felt something hit her. Behind her was a red rose , she picked it up seeing the musician wave at her before being surrounded by more fans . “Come on Brunhilde let's go, I don't like parties “ Randgriz dragged her out towards the concert halls . “Oof I'm sorry “ she accidentally bumped into the same guy that sat next to him. He was a short guy with a big nose that spoke with a thick polish accident. “Sorry I'm looking for a man named Liszt “ he mentioned. “Down the hallway but you are going to have to wait in line “ Brunhilde pointed to the left before leaving . The man thanked her before walking in that direction, “He is very cute “ Randgriz thought. “Eh …okay let's go home “ she walked with Randgriz.
A few days later Brunhilde went back to the same concert alone this time to attend a mass . There she sat down reading the holy Bible while waiting for the preacher . “ Excuse me, is this seat taken? “ a familiar voice spoke to her . Brunhilde turned around, seeing the face once again. “Are you Franz Liszt ? “she asked while watching him sit down. “Yes “ Liszt confirmed sitting next to her “ Nice to meet you “ . “ Yeah I see ..” Brunhilde stuck her head back in the Bible. “Sorry if I was bothering you “ Liszt apologized getting ready to leave . “No you weren't, I just have a lot on my mind “ Brunhilde sighed. “Oh ..I hope the church can relax you ..lift those spirits up “ Liszt gave a warm smile. “Yeah” Brunhilde half smiled back , “So where are you from? I've never seen you around? “ he questioned. “Oh I'm from - “ Brunhilde tried to think of an answer. “Don't tell me your from heaven? “ Liszt answered "Wait how did you -”Brunhilde's face turned red from the blushing. “ “ Relax I was just kidding c Liszt chuckled . “Oh right …hahaha” Brunhilde joined the laughter

I don’t understand this, he’s only verbally and physically abusive when he’s drunk. I try to leave because it’s like I become a target when he drinks. He’s been arrested multiple times when he’s intoxicated and I feel like sht! He’s almost the best person I could ask for when he’s sober but once he’s intoxicated I feel so small because of what he says and does. Is this typical/ normal narcissistic behavior or is he just struggling with being an alcoholic? He only drinks maby twice a week but he uses that time to take back anything he’s given me to help out and to call me every humiliating name in the book, even making fun of me for doing things that I don’t like doing to please him s******y. Calls me ugly and tells me how he’s got other women. All I can do is run/leave so I don’t feel the pain and if it gets too bad I’ll call the police hoping they’ll make him leave but they almost always find a reason to arrest him when I tell them I don’t want to press charges I just want him to leave and sober up. Now they’ve arrested him again and I’m hurting even more and lawyer and legal fees are gonna be so expensive. Idk everyone blames me. Idk

Backstory as to why I tried so many fanny pack carries, I have pretty bad sciatica pain so I can’t wear belts for extended periods of time as they flare up the pain.
I have owned all 4 of these below, I’d say the most popular bag that’s obviously not on the list is the Vertx S.O.C.P and the reason I did not purchase it is due to the size and it’s kind of ugly. I’ve seen reviews of it and it looks way too bulky for my taste. I prefer something more simple that blends in with everyone else’s fanny packs commonly worn. I also prefer wearing them crossbody / over the shoulder and not around the waist, again due to sciatica.
Out of the 4 below I gave away the Elite gunner and Vertx long walks. I mainly use the 945 bag as my regular EDC with a shield. I use the Vertx Everyday pack with a Ruger LCP II for days I will be out all day as it’s way lighter.

1. 945 Industries Q.A.P.L Bage (Large) https://www.945industries.com/bags

Pros: Nice quality best looking pack in my opinion, quickly rips open. It is clear winner and is far and away best option I’ve tried. Fits any popular micro 9 with an optic and light. I run a shield plus with a Holosun 407K and a streamlight TLR6 HL fits very easily and has space for a spare mag inside main compartment. Fits up to a Glock 19.
Has front and rear pocket.
Cons: It can fit a stock Glock 19, but an optic gets caught up a little bit, I could rip it open reliably in practice about 7 out of 10 times, when you’re life depends on it that is not good enough for me and it’s why I run a shield instead because it never gets caught up on shield.
The front and rear pocket is on the smaller side with no organization slots/ pockets but can still easily fit a phone or wallet. There is option for additional side pouch, but that is too much going on for me.
It is EXPENSIVE, I’m sure a lot of the cost is that it is only sold with their holsters, you have the option to buy additional holsters but you do not have the option to NOT buy a holster. I mean it’s nice to have a dedicated holster for your fanny pack but if you have bought other packs like I have and already have Velcro backed holsters it is a bit steep.
The pull tab is a bit small for my liking, wish they had the option to make a bigger pull tab. My hands are on the larger side (2XL gloves) but still relatively easy to open. Would also be better if pull tab was a different brighter color for low light conditions.

1. Elite gunner https://elitesurvival.com/products/hip-gunner-concealed-carry-fanny-pack

Pros: Very nice and thick materials, easily rips open. Fits a Glock 19 with optic and light easily. Has nice large pocket in front with some organization slots. Pull tabs are a brighter color compared to bag so can be easily seen when trying to draw.
Cons: It’s not too bulky but it has a hard cardboard insert that cannot be removed which adds rigidity but wearing something rigid is not comfortable and makes it protrude from your body more.
The Velcro patch is small, every other pack on the list has the interior fully lined with Velcro but this pack is just a smaller square which limits where you can mount your weapon.
No rear pocket.

1. Vertx Everyday Fanny Pack

https://vertx.com/everyday-fanny-pack
Pros: nice and slim design very similar to lululemon fanny pack. Has the option for extra large pull tabs for zippers. Nice materials, front pocket is roomy with pockets and has a rear pocket that can easily fit a phone. Can fit a micro 9 with a flush mag, light, and optic, it’s a snug fit but it works.
Cons: It doesn’t rip open, packs mentioned above can be open with just one hand and ripped open. You need 2 hands to open this, one hand holding the pack while the other unzips it open.
I’ve seen some people say it can fit a Glock 19, I put a stock Glock 19 without a holster to test fit and it fit but very snug and I’m not comfortable carrying without a holster. Maybe you could carry with just a trigger guard but I would not recommend.

1. Vertx Long walks Multipurpose waist pack

https://vertx.com/long-walks-mp-waist-pack
Pros: Very nice materials, and easily fit many items in it. Can easily fit a Glock 19 with light and optic, has additional pockets in main compartment with firearm where you can put extra mag or other items. If you want to carry a lot of items and firearm off body this great choice.
Cons: Very bulky, looks inflated even when completely empty.
Too me having extra pockets in the main compartment is also a con, in practice your hand can get caught in them when reaching inside and you must secure anything in the pockets if not they will fall out when you open them.
Zipper open, slowest one for me to open and draw compared to others on the list.

(Sorry for the delay)
"The Disney Corporation has been around longer than most, even alien corps rarely last more than two hundred years before regulation, competition, or innovation eventually figures out a way to wipe them out. Not Disney though, Disney is Eternal." I gesture for the screen to pause like they showed me.
This is the third woman named some variety of Tiffany I'm watching the package on. Tiphany, and Tiffeneigh were before this. It seems like praising Disney corporation was the secret to getting through the AI hiring algorithm, also being phonetically named Tiffany or something really close to it.
The Disney Corp executive producer that Captain Tanner introduced to me to is an android. I always assumed they'd be more... human looking, but apparently there are laws against that sort of thing now. Galactic government, glad to hear it has enough power to enforce things even on Disney corp. This thing looks like a T-800 terminator, but it has a cheery voice that sounds vaguely British to me in a way I can't quite pin down. It seems to have sensed my discomfort at this task.
"It is important that you personally approve of each potential mate. We wish for this process to be enjoyable and more importantly, profitable for everyone involved. Focus groups have told us that Phonetic Tiffany named women will likely help most with that secondary objective. Surely a man of your time wouldn't have issue with such a name."
I had to laugh, "That name's far older than my time. But okay, so it'll make us the most money to have her be named Tiffany somehow. Fine, I'm fine with that." I am, right? Fine enough. Whatever gets me out of this time and into a better future seems worth it.
I finished watching Tiffany's Video, and watch Typhuny next. Then Tiophughny. Then Taoifenieh. Then I lost it. They were all so the same. Slight variations in hair color and skin tone or eye color, but these women were all essentially clones of each other.
"THATS IT! I can't take another one of these." It was too weird. "I thought the Captain said there were Aliens out there, Is that part at least a little star trek like? Aren't there alien women that want to romance rich famous humans?"
The Producertron-800 made a noise like an ancient modem connecting to the internet for a moment. I must have had a look on my face, because it said, "Do not be alarmed, I am only contacting Disney corp headquarters on my internal high speed quantum Modem."
"Not alarmed, surprised." I guess it's the same thing, really. "You just, sounded like an old modem for a moment. So what does headquarters say, can I try to romance an alien woman too?"
"This will be even more profitable than if you try with human women." replied the Disney Rep.
Captain Tanner went over the contract, and set out some objectives to get a few changes made. I trusted him and approved him to be my representative in those negotiations with Disney. I had apparently made him and his ancestors rich, and myself as well. He didn't have any reason to treat me poorly. In fact it was in his own selfish interest to treat me well, and if there anything I knew I could count on from the people of this time, was that most of them would selfishly act in their own interest.
The Doctor had been taking me to meals. He was a rare weirdo in this time, charitable, kind, expected nothing in return. Probably helped that he was also the beneficiary of some ancient bank accounts and compound interest.
After a week of hanging out on the HSS Davis-Catcher, yes, a ship made specifically to catch me and the Zipdrive, I was sent to the set for the space bachelor. It was another ship in space. We took a shuttle.
The captain had done a good job in his negotiations, only humanoid aliens and a couple of human women. There was a cat-folk person. A Felidian, as I learned they are called. I wasn't a huge anime guy before becoming an astronaut, but I calls them like I see's them. That's a catgirl. Her name is Tiffnyany.
I felt bad for not being attracted to one of the other aliens. Terraphiny was a really sweet Turtle-person, a Cyptrondian Testudian. She could pull her head inside her shell, and watching her get comfortable enough to put it out and talk was kind of super adorable. They're a pretty literal people, and don't use euphemisms often or well. I liked her as a person, she was fun to hang out with sure but... I couldn't do it when she ask me if I wanted "To get up inside her cloaca" one night in the hot tub. Surprisingly huge turn off. I apologized profusely for my ancient old-timey racism. She told me it was fine, I was a product of a different time... but man that only made it cut deeper. I felt like such an asshole. But we were contractually obligated to 'engage in newly wed activities' during the next two hundred years, or what would be our wedding night, I just couldn't with Turtle girl.
In the end, I gave the diamondillium rose to Tiffnyany. She was also lots of fun to spend time with. Unlike the reality shows of my time, the producers did not have to interfere for there to be juicy drama. One of the other women on the show, the first to go, was a dog-person. She and the catgirl got into a fight, and it was determined that she started it, and she was kicked off. Later, the catgirl almost killed what I am going to generously call a bird with lips that had been taunting her for days. They let me decide who would stay, and bird lady had to go.
Six weeks had flown by, and somehow I had ended up with what I would have derisively called a catgirl waifu two months ago from my perspective. The wedding was a whole giant spectacle, of Disney proportions. I hear over ten billion sapient beings tuned in live.
In the eight weeks since I had arrived in this time time they had gone far beyond a 'retrofit' for my Zipdrive ship. Nyany, as I learned she preferred to be called but I couldn't legally call her on the show, and I boarded the ship. Captain Tanner was there, so was the doc. Captain tanner went over all the new systems with me and Nyany. Part of why I chose her was that she was a warp field engineer, and absolutely brilliant. One of the human women was a quantum computer programmer, but If we ended up in a future that sucked, I'd want an engineer more than a programmer.
Nyany was far more comfortable at the ship's controls than I was, though contractually I had to be the one to pilot us to the starting position when we launched from space dock. I also had to be the one to push the big shiny red button to activate the updated and upgraded Zipdrive. It was now the RarDrive. Apparently this version worked on the same principles but didn't leak high levels of exotic radiation in it's wake. Probably worth the upgrade.
What felt like an eternity in a fever dream was coming to an end, I was aboard a ship again that would take me from this time. The doctor gave us both a couple of injections before we launched. "That'll probably work. You two oughta be able to have kids now. Gene therapy tech is really the best."
I hadn't even considered that as a possibility. "Shit doc, why did you give us that?"
"It's in your contract," Captain Tanner said. "Subsection 3 of this part here, 'Newly-wed activities must include the threat of potential pregnancy', for maximum profit extraction purposes, of course. We got three points for me and my firm and seven for you and Misses Davis.
"I didn't take his name." Nyany said, "In our culture men take the women's name. We decided to both keep our own. I am still Tiffnyany Pantigris."
"Systems check complete, and the contract is ready for each of your thumbprints, then we'll get out of your hair and let you get on with the honeymoon." The captain had a smile on his face, a business deal that's beneficial to all is a rare thing, and he's enjoying it while he can.
"Probably best to try to forget about us out there watching your every move." The doctor said as he packed up his kit and made his way to the docking port to take the shuttle back.
We moved into position, all the press ships and camera flashes a guy could want greeted us. With Nyany sitting behind me quietly whispering guidance to me I pulled us into position and waited for the countdown from Captain Tanner on his ship.
Finally it got down to "Three, Two, One. Godspeed, Captain Davis!"
The drive exploded us through the rainbow, painfully bright. I had had the foresight to warn my bride that it would hurt to witness, but be beautiful all the same. When it was done we were given the soft shimmery golden light that I experienced outside the ship the first time.
I'm sure you want the gritty kitty details of our nuptial situation, but you gotta pay extra for that. What I will tell you though is that we fulfilled out contractual obligations. Also, a satisfied catgirl will purr as she lays on your chest afterward. I dunno if I made trillions during that time, but I sure felt like a trillion bucks.
The honeymoon day that took two hundred years was over all too soon.
The same long dead woman's voice chimed onto the speakers.
"Nine."
"Eight."
.
.
.
"Three."
"Two."
"One."
We slammed through the rainbow again, only in reverse order of yesterday's launch two hundred years ago.
There were no fireworks this time, no heroes greeting. Only a singular massive grey slab of an obvious warship waiting for us.
They hailed and I answered. "Greetings Capitalist pigdog of the past. You are under arrest for crimes against the regime. Prepare to be boarded."
I looked at Nyany, and she looked at me. "Hit the red button again?" she asked. There was fear evident in her voice, and as I reached out to hit the big red button and launch us off for another day.
Engine power failure
"There is no escape Comrade, unlimited space communism rules the day here, we have seized the means of your power production." The communist captain said.
And then a tractor beam attached.

Conspiracy theories involving “elite” pedophile rings have recently been dominating social media in a disorienting frenzy. They have been around for some time but in this century rose back to popularity during the 2016 Election cycle. This crop, at least, took root with what became known as “Pizzagate.”
Promoters of that conspiracy theory in 2016 used social media platforms to make unfounded but viral allegations that Hillary Clinton and other prominent Democrats were running a pedophile ring out of the basement of a pizzeria even though that restaurant had no basement, or any ties to known politicians other than the typical flesh pressing (Phrasing I know) moments fit for a picture hung on the wall.
Since then, the dark theme of Pizzagate has found new life with permutations forming part of the #Qanon conspiracy theory, incorporated under the umbrella term “pedogate.” The gist of the #pedogate conspiracy theory is that global elites (politicians, celebrities, and wealthy businesspersons) are covertly involved in a far-reaching ring that uses young children for sexual purposes.
“What most of these conspiracy theories involve in one way or another is laying accusations of pedophilia or involvement in pedophile rings at the feet of people that they despise or hate, and during the 16’ election cycle, Democrats were a wide target for an opposing political movement that had hijacked the rival Republican party. Pizzagate originated with the “alt right” and “alt lite,” far right extremists who range from outright white supremacists to those who publicly shun racists but otherwise fall in step with their belief systems.
Pizzagate jumped from the fringes to the mainstream because as it denigrated Hillary Clinton, it sucked in supporters of then-candidate Donald Trump.
After the election all mention of pedogate seemed to be put on a simmer while other National outrages boiled over (#Covid #RussiaGate #BLM) and just like clockwork (heading into our next election cycle has been turned back up.
The pedogate conspiracy and all associated stories employ a centuries-old tactic: playing on deep-seated human anxieties by conjuring images of imperiled children, the purest and defenseless victim of any manner of injustice.
An example in the modern era of weaponized conspiracy was the satanic panic of the 1980s, in which a wave of hysteria over alleged child molestation at daycare centers swept the nation. But while that phenomenon was a moral panic attributable, at least in part, to social anxiety over white middle class women entering the work force en masse for the first time and entrusting their children to others, the current conspiracy theories about pedophile rings equate to similar propaganda. They carry a danger for stirring up violence.
If you want to elicit violent action the way to do it is through hate and fear. Once you target and label a population as pedophiles, you can do anything you like to that population with full excuse being given to the myth you’ve wrapped around it.
That’s not to say fears of child abuse or sex trafficking are unfounded. There are many as pedophilia has ancient roots and in many cases was encourage by many world cultures and religions a lot later into Civilization than we’d like to admit. The International Labor Organization reports that 25 percent of the world’s 40.3 million victims of human trafficking are children.
The most vulnerable, according to the National Human Trafficking Hotline, are migrants, runaways, the homeless, and youngsters who have been victims of violence. Despite their obsession over the topic, conspiracy followers aren’t worked up about those children who are in true harm’s way.
In the world of propaganda, it’s never about real children. Instead, it’s about what children represent. The children imperiled by conspiracy theories, in other words, are only metaphors.
Children carry a vast amount of weight in any society, but especially modern ones when they’re expected to survive past the age of five. It wasn’t as intense before the 18th century when child mortality rates were really high. They represent the future, and all that is beautiful and decent and honest in a society, because they are innocent.
For most people also, the meaning of their existence is rooted in their children. Children are eschatological, they represent death for us, and what is coming behind us after we are gone. They also represent the threat of loss, if they disappear, if they die, that is the death of society. That’s why they became so crucial and central to Cold War propaganda. The real terror of the nuclear holocaust would be the death of the children, because that’s the death of everyone.
A recent example of this is in a recent police investigation into conspiracy claims of PizzaGate style accusation of Portland’s Voodoo Doughnuts. Detectives attempted to contact the person accusing Voodoo Doughnuts on social media of running a pedophile ring. The accuser did not cooperate with investigators and it’s been documented in other coverage online that they had become agitated and accused the Police with complicity when tracked down in person, even though they were attempting to investigate.
The pendulum of conspiracy theories about systematic child abuse has swung back and forth for centuries. Examples such as blood libel, when Jewish communities were attacked over false allegations of murdering and consuming Christian children in the Middle Ages.
In Europe, During the Thirty Years War, entire villages were put to the sword because it was believed they were abusing children of the other religions.
One characteristic that helps Pizzagate-style conspiracy theories gain popularity is that they function like a puzzle game and give its audience a large level of involvement through social media.
A lot of conspiracy theories are oracular, where the information comes from one source an oracle. Then there are others where there are a few people who promote the notions, almost like gurus or a conspiracy priesthood.
With Pizzagate, it’s more of what one would call a participatory conspiracy theory. Participatory conspiracy theories lay out a scenario or situation and then they ask their audience, ‘what more can you find out about this, what more can you add?’ It turns the audience into willing participants, some knowing they are creating a destructive madlib and other (potential real victims) caking on mystical distraction to issues that have been unreported or scars that have not bee properly treated.
The thing about participatory conspiracy theories is it can really create a devoted following because it gives people something to do, it makes them feel they can solve the whole thing or uncover new aspects to it. Once you get that energy going it’s almost self-sustaining. Followers of the Qanon conspiracy theory, call themselves “bakers” because their protagonist “Q” pops up on Internet message boards and leaves “crumbs” (i.e., clues), and they are tasked with picking up the crumbs in order to solve the puzzle. (“Q” is supposed to reference the character’s government security clearance level).
*#Q followers believe an even more incoherent version of Pizzagate. This is largely a right-wing fantasy that originated in a series of incoherent posts on #4chan in 2017 by someone calling themselves #QAnon. Following on the heels of similar idiocy such as Pizzagate, it advances a fantastic web of deceit that wraps up Trumpism, deep state fearmongering, evil, satanic pedophilia rings controlled by the Democratic Party, investigations into Russian meddling in the 2016 US election, the Las Vegas shooting, and New World Order paranoia into a package easily and wholeheartedly promoted by internet cesspools and far-right personalities such as Alex Jones.
The premise is that President Trump is secretly working to take down a global ring of elite, cannibalistic, satanic pedophiles. And the investigation into Russian meddling into the 2016 election, led by former FBI director Robert Mueller, is actually an investigation into the so-called “deep state”, where a cabal of evil, globalists, including Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, are responsible for everything from a global pedophile ring to the mass shooting in Las Vegas in 2017.
According to the enlightened, when Trump awkwardly took a drink from a bottle of Fiji water at a press conference in November 2017, it wasn’t because he was thirsty; it was actually a secret signal to those in the know that the annihilation of deep state pedophiles had begun (or was about to begin). Because as everyone knows, Fiji is a hot spot for child trafficking.* ( I could go on and on with this poorly thought-out shit, I will spare you )
The role the Internet and social media play in helping to spread such insanity can’t be underestimated. Just a few decades earlier, conspiracy theorists would identify each other using letters to the editor printed in newspapers and magazines. It was a lot harder to identify your fellow conspiracy theorists. You would have to physically meet to swap your stories or send letters or call. They would set up these groups that would communicate by newsletter. They would meet in a physical space, like someone’s living room.
I personally witnessed people from my childhood, dutifully photocopying newsletters they had received in the mail to give to others (Primarily at my #JW congregation, how ironic). Now obviously it can go much more quickly, because you can identity people immediately. You can quickly share ideas and the data you’ve collected.
The Internet allows such people to exist in bubbles where they rarely have their beliefs challenged. The extraordinarily polarized society we’re in right now has made people less willing to seek out other view points. Because of the internet you have less chance of doing this.
There’s very little incentive to look outside one’s own bubble once they have become invested in a conspiracy theory. Once you start to act out on those behaviors you are forced to double down by repeating the act to prove it was a just act. Eventually you get caught up in a movement that totally defines your conscious and you can’t get out of it. The second you step out of that world view your actions go back to being reprehensible.
Now the question becomes, “What’s the harm? If it sheds light on child abuse, then isn’t it still productive?” The answer in this case is a resounding NO. In my opinion and PAINFUL experience, the root cause and sustaining factors of institutionalized child sex abuse are all things that would counter your typical Conspiracy Nut’s world view, thus causing a complete blackout to the problems.
The entity taking part in the harming of children on a local and tangible level aren’t some suit and tie wearing global elitist. It’s a guidance counselor, youth pastor, unvetted young substitute teacher, aunt/uncle/cousin/neighbor.
It’s anyone who has been given routine private access to a child’s mind and body because of the social conventions that have been protected for generations by our relatives whether they themselves are guilty of abuse or not.
In all the Qanon madness I also kept very close tabs on the pending prosecution of the Boy scouts of America and never saw any widely shared memes about their involvement in the abuse syndicate.
Why is this? How is this so? Aren’t these people watching the news, seeing the court records and hearing the individual cases being brought against Scout Leaders (SOME OF WHO RAN THEIR OWN NETWORKS!!)?
When I would find mention of accusation it was met with the ever scarce “skepticism” because if the media is covering it, it must be a plot to destroy the organization. There are now non-for profit organizations setting up victim funds and protections for people to come out with their stories and somehow THIS is the fake ruse.
Some that know me know that I was a Jehovah’s Witness as a youth/teen/young adult. That chapter of my life could fill many chapters and the research on the organization, the real true black and white history of the religion would honestly surprise you. I saw what I now know was abuse, I personally experienced abuse in many forms. The perpetrators involved are either still Witnesses or are dead or have moved “away from the organization”.
One thing that was left intact in each situation was the secret that they prey on children. The parents, these organizations and the collective promise to keep up appearances are directly to blame for the suffering untold thousands, millions of children and broken adults.
All for what? Pride and Vanity and a commitment to all involved to protect them from the “mean old world” despite allowing predators to eat their children from within.
Being a #JW was a very interesting experience. It provides a very efficient form of insulation from outside society and allows people involved to view the chaos from afar. There is this persistent (albeit false) sense of shared peace that members have. It’s as though for three days a week you go to this meeting where no matter what, everyone has a smile and feels about things EXACTLY how you do. There is no cursing, there are no politics, there surely isn’t any destructive influences that would tarnish your chances of salvation. For a parent this is a refuge when raising a child in a world that is dangerously unpredictable.
A Child that you are unable (or unwilling) to teach coping skills to get along by societal standards, A child you want to protect by hiding. This is problem #1.
As an adult the congregation presents an avenue for which you can act and behave in a way that allows you to reconcile your past, a way to have less of those nights awake because you think about past wrongs you’ve committed against people. It’s the proverbial band-aid for a guilty, bruised, destroyed conscious of any size. Coming into the organization takes nothing more than the desire to change, publicly declaring your willingness to hand over your life to God (The organization). Bam, You’re in! No credit check, no background check. This is problem #2.
A JW is taught that “every facet is an asset” (Ministerial Servants know what I’m talking about). What this means is that every facet of your life is an asset to the organization to spread its word. If the world see’s their product’s application into your life and thereby how much better it is than a normal person’s, then they’ve made an “Effective Witness” to the world. This causes Witnesses of any age to allow almost every facet of their life to be a tool by the organization. For a parent this includes their children. This is problem #3.
When you get a culture that insulates itself from the real world, that allows you to enter without any coherent vetting, give access to children whose parents feel obligated to present as a “witness” to the lifestyle. You get a twisted corridor in which victims can get lost for a lifetime and predators can hide in plain sight.
For any proponents of the “Save-The-Children” movement to not take a step back and really analyze their local community and lifestyle through these lenses only illustrates that child abuse is being weaponized politically at the expense of others whom you aren’t willing to save because it would look bad for ‘your side’. If you truly care, you wouldn’t be sharing email forwards about what evil unverified unmentionable thing you read some celebrity or politician did. Instead, you’d be drawing back on your experiences as a child.
Even if nothing happened directly to you, I’m sure you know some one that had an experience that forever harmed their life. Who did it? Was there a pattern or social condition that allowed for this as was laid out in the JW example?
How could it have been avoided? Would you have stopped it if you saw the signs? Are you willing to stop it in the future, knowing what you know now?
If you can answer any of those questions with a yes, then you have all you need to WRITE your own material to reach real victims and their families. Does your action cause problems for your ‘side’? It shouldn’t matter and you know that. If it does make a difference to you then you are no better than the shadowy pedophilic cabal that you are so obsessed with.

I'm in my thirties, but have only recently realized my father is a narcissist. It was hard to figure out because he exhibits behaviors of a Covert Narcissist. He's a major love-bomber, especially after he's fucked up. His rage is biblical and when he sees red, he'll destroy whatever is in his path. When angry at my mother, he ran through her china set (from her deceased gma) and shattered them all against the wall. When angry at my brother, he ripped a monitor from the desk and chucked it down the stairs. When angry at me, he grabbed me by the shirt and threw me against the wall. Countless inanimate objects in our house were obliterated by his fists, some purposefully so for their sentimental value.
Another fun aspect about my NDad, is that he's a Phd. trained psychologist and has been practicing for 30+ years. His emotional manipulation is lethal, he has all the tools.
Shit hit the fan Fall of 2021 when our family doctor was arrested for sexual assault.
Among the doctor's many victims, one was my siblings, we'll call them Jordan. When it was happening, my father didn't believe them, despite Jordan saying how "gross" the doctor was and how they didn't like how he interacted with them. When Jordan said they wanted to change doctors (at 16, 10+ years into the abuse), my NDad didn't help. He thought they were overreacting. My mother helped Jordan find a new doctor.
Ndad continued to see the doctor for years, always brought it up with the family, said how great Doctor was doing, etc. etc. Jordan asked them nicely, several times, to not being up the Doctor, again because they didn't like them. Ndad ignored this request and only stopped once the doctor was arrested and stripped of their medical license. When the news broke, he never brought it up with my Jordan. He just pretended nothing happened, until my Jordan finally confronted Ndad for not believing them in the past.
When they did, he flipped out. Ndad called Jordan an asshole. Told them "you were speaking in code, how was I supposed to know?" Screamed at Jordan to be nicer. Ndad was hurt that Jordan would suggest Ndad was a bad dad. Jordan hung up, and my Ndad never called back. Reminder: Ndad is a therapist. I don't think that meant he should have seen the signs, but shouldn't he know how to navigate afterward? Shouldn't he understand that his child's health is more important than his experience?
I heard about this, I'm very close to Jordan. When I confronted Ndad on his behavior he said, he deflected. He took some credit for things, but never the big stuff. Never anything that would suggest he acted deplorably.
I kept initiating conversation over the period of weeks, trying to understand. All I wanted was for my Ndad to say sorry. To do something human like "Hey I fucked up. Big time." But the more we talked the more he twisted the narrative. It started with the small poking of holes in Jordan's story, then slowly easing into "it was all a big misunderstanding" and "really we all fucked up, you know?" and finally: "Well you know how Jordan gets. They're very emotional."
It got to the point where I felt like I had to choose whether to believe Jordan or my Ndad. I chose Jordan. Because I know who my father is.
I took space from my Ndad. Shit was crazy in my life, I quit my job, I had just decided to move across states with my then girlfiend (now fiancé). All the while, my Ndad was sending me emails about how awesome I am, how great I am, how much of a hard worker I am, how intelligent I am, and how much he misses me and that his children are what's most important to him, and that it really sucks he doesn't have a relationship with his kids. More than anything he "wants me to heal on my terms, and prays for that healing." During this time, he kept sending emails about "interesting news articles" and books he was reading. Pretending nothing was happening.
In the winter, I told him that I was moving to another state with my fiancé, some 1,200 miles away. Nothing. All the while, he kept emailing me every two weeks or so his "interesting" news articles and updates on what he was doing in life.
That summer, I had my uhaul packed, quit my job and was about to move away from my home state, away from Ndad's state. I still hadn't received anything about it from my NDad. So I asked him, "Did you see that email where I said I was moving away?"
At first he pretended that he he never got it, so I forwarded him the email (of which he replied to with his news articles). He said, "Oh, that one!" then jumped into his love bomb routine: you're the best, you're gonna do great, you're so smart. Etc.
I was confused. How can a father who says that their children are the most important thing in the world to them, ignore the fact that their child is moving away? And if his children are the most important, why does his narrative always take precedent?
I told him: I was hurt. It hurt my feelings that I told you I was moving away and you said nothing. I was confused. It doesn't add up.
He wouldn't even respond. Just moved past it. Pretended I said nothing. Moved onto other topics, "Hey check out this podcast!"
I doubled down and asked him why he didn't respond to my question.
His words (quoted):

You are right to notice that I did not address your question.
Cautiously, respectfully, I have concerns about the strategy you have used to address your pain and experience.
It is rooted in my age, life experience, and my professional skills...
...as your father, I have a responsibility to proceed with respect and wisdom about what I address and what I delay addressing.

I told him I was taking a space in hopes that he'd reflect and understand me. He said, "Sure I understand you're confused. You should take your space." I haven't contacted him since.
That was two years ago. He continues to send me emails. All pretending nothing has happened. He continues to love-bomb. This week, I received an email detailing this new woman he's met, how they met, and the date of their wedding. Him and his fiance are making a list of "special people" to invite. His invite says:

Son, you and [your fiancé], of course, are two of my Special People!

It's like nothing's happened. He just wants to return to business as usual. He wants me to come to the wedding and pretend for him that everything is fine. He wants me to just forget everything that's happened. It's always about him. Always.
When I received the email, I felt nothing. Like stumbling upon a complete stranger's invite. I truly wish him happiness. I hope he has a nice wedding. I'm just not going. This feels like another tactic, another instance of him just wanting to move on. He did it in the past with "being in town" and a medical scare he had.
I don't know why I wrote this. Maybe to just vent. More than anything, the part of his narc personality that makes me crazy, and makes me second guess myself, is his ability to "move on." Makes me feel like I'm the one with the problem. It's like he's just waiting me out, hoping I'll get tired of this whole thing and accept him for who/what he is. But I can't. I can't stand the sight of him. And I can't imagine having a conversation with him.
I seldom identify with this notion, but as a man, I have 0 respect for him. Father to son, human to human, how can a man treat someone they "respect" that way? Truth is, I want nothing to do with him solely because I don't respect him.
Thank you for listening, if you've made it this far.

Notes:

• I am EXTREMELY busy. I try to check my messages at least once per day, but sometimes it could take up to 3-4 days. Please be patient if I don't get back to you immediately. Thank you!
  
• I buy only in Unrevealed Key Link Format or Plain Steam Keys. No gift links.
  
• For PayPal, I am in the US region and I only send via G&S. Please note there will be PayPal fees (including international/conversion and purchasing fees) to consider.
  
• All games that you sell to me should ideally be REGION-FREE. Please ensure the games are not region-locked/bound to a specific country.
  
• You must be willing to fill a spreadsheet with steam keys.
  

 
I pay with the following:
TF2 & PayPal
 

I BUY HB Games	with TF2	with PayPal	Currently Active Humble Bundle?
7 Days to Die	0.8 TF2	$1.56 PP	-
A Little To The Left	2.1 TF2	$3.98 PP	-
Alien: Isolation	1.5 TF2	$2.93 PP	-
Aliens: Fireteam Elite	1.4 TF2	$2.69 PP	-
Arma 3	4.2 TF2	$7.95 PP	-
Assetto Corsa Ultimate Edition	1.9 TF2	$3.56 PP	-
Automobilista 2	1.6 TF2	$3.03 PP	-
BIOMUTANT	1.4 TF2	$2.75 PP	-
BROFORCE	0.8 TF2	$1.46 PP	-
Baldur's Gate II: Enhanced Edition	0.8 TF2	$1.43 PP	-
Baldur's Gate: Enhanced Edition	0.8 TF2	$1.44 PP	-
Barony	2.6 TF2	$4.9 PP	-
Barotrauma	3.8 TF2	$7.26 PP	-
Batman - The Telltale Series	1.3 TF2	$2.43 PP	-
Batman Arkham Collection	1.1 TF2	$2.08 PP	-
Batman: Arkham Origins	0.6 TF2	$1.21 PP	-
Batman™: Arkham Knight Premium Edition	1.0 TF2	$1.83 PP	-
Bayonetta	0.7 TF2	$1.34 PP	-
Beyond Two Souls	1.7 TF2	$3.31 PP	-
Blasphemous	1.4 TF2	$2.69 PP	-
Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night	0.5 TF2	$0.91 PP	-
Borderlands 3 Super Deluxe Edition	4.9 TF2	$9.36 PP	-
Borderlands 3	3.1 TF2	$5.88 PP	-
Borderlands: The Handsome Collection	3.0 TF2	$5.73 PP	-
Builder Simulator	0.4 TF2	$0.78 PP	-
Celeste	0.8 TF2	$1.57 PP	-
Chernobylite Enhanced Edition	0.9 TF2	$1.78 PP	-
Cities: Skylines	2.2 TF2	$4.18 PP	-
Code Vein	1.2 TF2	$2.26 PP	-
Conan Exiles	2.5 TF2	$4.79 PP	-
Contractors	2.9 TF2	$5.56 PP	-
Control Ultimate Edition	2.6 TF2	$4.85 PP	-
Crusader Kings III	4.4 TF2	$8.38 PP	-
DARK SOULS™ II: Scholar of the First Sin	4.8 TF2	$9.15 PP	-
DEATH STRANDING DIRECTOR'S CUT	4.4 TF2	$8.34 PP	-
DRAGON BALL XENOVERSE 2	2.3 TF2	$4.44 PP	-
Dark Souls III	7.2 TF2	$13.74 PP	-
Dark Souls III: Deluxe Edition	9.9 TF2	$18.86 PP	-
DayZ	10.6 TF2	$20.07 PP	-
Dead Island - Definitive Edition	0.8 TF2	$1.52 PP	-
Dead Island Definitive Collection	0.9 TF2	$1.72 PP	-
Dead Island Riptide Definitive Edition	0.7 TF2	$1.24 PP	-
Dead by Daylight	3.1 TF2	$5.97 PP	-
Deep Rock Galactic	3.0 TF2	$5.62 PP	-
Destiny 2: Beyond Light	1.0 TF2	$1.85 PP	-
Destiny 2: Bungie 30th Anniversary Pack	1.3 TF2	$2.47 PP	-
Destiny 2: Forsaken Pack	1.0 TF2	$1.9 PP	-
Destiny 2: Lightfall	4.0 TF2	$7.55 PP	-
Destiny 2: Shadowkeep	1.0 TF2	$1.93 PP	-
Destiny 2: The Witch Queen	2.0 TF2	$3.85 PP	-
Destroy All Humans! 2 - Reprobed	0.7 TF2	$1.4 PP	-
Devil May Cry HD Collection	1.8 TF2	$3.45 PP	-
Devil May Cry® 4 Special Edition	1.4 TF2	$2.74 PP	-
DiRT Rally	0.8 TF2	$1.51 PP	-
Disco Elysium - The Final Cut	1.6 TF2	$2.95 PP	-
Doom Eternal	2.2 TF2	$4.17 PP	-
Dragon Ball FighterZ	2.0 TF2	$3.79 PP	-
Dragons Dogma - Dark Arisen	0.9 TF2	$1.77 PP	-
Dungeon Defenders	3.0 TF2	$5.78 PP	-
EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 5	4.3 TF2	$8.2 PP	-
ELEX II	0.8 TF2	$1.57 PP	-
Europa Universalis IV	3.2 TF2	$6.16 PP	-
Expeditions: Rome	0.5 TF2	$0.89 PP	-
FTL: Faster Than Light	0.7 TF2	$1.41 PP	-
Fallout: A Post Nuclear Role Playing Game	0.4 TF2	$0.81 PP	-
Farming Simulator 19	2.2 TF2	$4.23 PP	-
For The King	0.5 TF2	$0.92 PP	-
Forager	0.8 TF2	$1.58 PP	-
Frostpunk	0.8 TF2	$1.51 PP	-
GRID 2	1.9 TF2	$3.66 PP	-
Gang Beasts	2.6 TF2	$4.97 PP	-
Gas Station Simulator	3.1 TF2	$5.8 PP	-
Generation Zero®	0.7 TF2	$1.36 PP	-
Ghostwire Tokyo	1.4 TF2	$2.69 PP	-
Goat Simulator	0.4 TF2	$0.8 PP	-
Golf It!	1.8 TF2	$3.42 PP	-
Gotham Knights	1.5 TF2	$2.83 PP	-
Graveyard Keeper	0.5 TF2	$0.9 PP	-
Grim Dawn	2.5 TF2	$4.66 PP	-
Hell Let Loose	7.1 TF2	$13.47 PP	-
Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice	1.4 TF2	$2.69 PP	-
Hitman Absolution	0.4 TF2	$0.79 PP	-
Hollow Knight	3.4 TF2	$6.43 PP	-
Homeworld Remastered Collection	0.4 TF2	$0.78 PP	-
Hotline Miami	0.5 TF2	$0.87 PP	-
House Flipper	2.0 TF2	$3.89 PP	-
Injustice 2 Legendary Edition	0.6 TF2	$1.2 PP	-
Into the Radius VR	2.9 TF2	$5.5 PP	-
Jurassic World Evolution 2	2.7 TF2	$5.19 PP	-
Just Cause 3 XXL Edition	1.4 TF2	$2.63 PP	-
Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes	1.7 TF2	$3.16 PP	-
Kerbal Space Program	1.1 TF2	$2.07 PP	-
Killing Floor 2	0.6 TF2	$1.14 PP	-
Kingdom: Two Crowns	1.5 TF2	$2.94 PP	-
LEGO Marvel Super Heroes 2 - Deluxe Edition	0.9 TF2	$1.77 PP	-
LEGO Star Wars : The Complete Saga	0.6 TF2	$1.17 PP	-
LEGO Star Wars III: The Clone Wars	0.6 TF2	$1.22 PP	-
LEGO® City Undercover	0.7 TF2	$1.3 PP	-
LEGO® Jurassic World™	0.8 TF2	$1.57 PP	-
Lethal League Blaze	1.8 TF2	$3.44 PP	-
Life is Strange 2 Complete Season	1.4 TF2	$2.72 PP	-
Life is Strange: True Colors	1.5 TF2	$2.82 PP	-
Little Nightmares	1.1 TF2	$2.06 PP	-
Loop Hero	0.8 TF2	$1.44 PP	-
METAL GEAR SOLID V: THE PHANTOM PAIN	3.3 TF2	$6.31 PP	-
METAL GEAR SOLID V: The Definitive Experience	3.5 TF2	$6.61 PP	-
Mad Max	0.7 TF2	$1.3 PP	-
Mafia: Definitive Edition	2.4 TF2	$4.56 PP	-
Mass Effect™ Legendary Edition	4.7 TF2	$8.87 PP	-
MechWarrior 5: Mercenaries	2.6 TF2	$4.89 PP	-
Men of War: Assault Squad 2 Deluxe Edition	1.3 TF2	$2.4 PP	-
Metro 2033 Redux	0.5 TF2	$0.92 PP	-
Metro Exodus	1.3 TF2	$2.47 PP	-
Metro Redux Bundle	0.7 TF2	$1.25 PP	-
Middle-earth™: Shadow of War™ Definitive Edition	0.9 TF2	$1.65 PP	-
Midnight Ghost Hunt	0.8 TF2	$1.45 PP	-
Monster Hunter: World	2.0 TF2	$3.87 PP	-
Mordhau	1.9 TF2	$3.6 PP	-
Mortal Kombat XL	0.6 TF2	$1.13 PP	-
Mortal Shell	0.5 TF2	$0.97 PP	-
NASCAR Heat 5 - Ultimate Edition	0.4 TF2	$0.75 PP	-
NBA 2K23	5.3 TF2	$10.16 PP	-
Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 4	2.2 TF2	$4.18 PP	-
Naruto to Boruto Shinobi Striker	0.9 TF2	$1.76 PP	-
Nioh 2 - The Complete Edition	2.7 TF2	$5.18 PP	-
Nobody Saves the World	0.5 TF2	$0.95 PP	-
Northgard	2.4 TF2	$4.5 PP	-
Orcs Must Die! 3	1.6 TF2	$3.01 PP	-
Outlast 2	0.9 TF2	$1.68 PP	-
Overcooked! 2	1.2 TF2	$2.3 PP	-
PC Building Simulator	0.6 TF2	$1.14 PP	-
PGA TOUR 2K21	0.9 TF2	$1.8 PP	-
Plague Inc: Evolved	1.9 TF2	$3.56 PP	-
Planet Coaster	2.4 TF2	$4.59 PP	-
Planet Zoo	2.5 TF2	$4.75 PP	-
PlateUp!	1.0 TF2	$1.85 PP	-
Prison Architect	2.7 TF2	$5.14 PP	-
Project Wingman	1.5 TF2	$2.94 PP	-
RESIDENT EVIL 3	2.0 TF2	$3.76 PP	-
Rain World	0.9 TF2	$1.78 PP	-
Remnant: From the Ashes - Complete Edition	2.5 TF2	$4.69 PP	-
Resident Evil 4 Ultimate HD Edition	1.0 TF2	$1.83 PP	-
Resident Evil 5 GOLD Edition	1.1 TF2	$2.04 PP	-
Resident Evil 6	1.3 TF2	$2.46 PP	-
Resident Evil® 5	1.7 TF2	$3.18 PP	-
Rising Storm 2: Vietnam	0.5 TF2	$0.9 PP	-
Road 96	0.5 TF2	$1.02 PP	-
SCUM	4.7 TF2	$8.86 PP	-
STAR WARS® THE FORCE UNLEASHED II	0.6 TF2	$1.11 PP	-
STAR WARS™ Knights of the Old Republic™ II - The Sith Lords™	0.5 TF2	$0.91 PP	-
Satisfactory	5.0 TF2	$9.55 PP	-
Scorn	0.8 TF2	$1.49 PP	-
Sid Meier's Civilization VI	1.2 TF2	$2.33 PP	-
Slay the Spire	2.5 TF2	$4.79 PP	-
Sleeping Dogs™ Definitive Edition	1.0 TF2	$1.95 PP	-
Slime Rancher	1.1 TF2	$2.11 PP	-
Sniper Elite 4	1.0 TF2	$1.96 PP	-
Space Engineers	2.6 TF2	$4.91 PP	-
Spec Ops: The Line	4.3 TF2	$8.21 PP	-
SpeedRunners	0.4 TF2	$0.82 PP	-
Spintires: MudRunner	1.0 TF2	$1.85 PP	-
Squad	6.7 TF2	$12.77 PP	-
Star Wars Republic Commando™	0.4 TF2	$0.82 PP	-
Star Wars: Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy	0.4 TF2	$0.71 PP	-
Star Wars® Empire at War™: Gold Pack	0.6 TF2	$1.09 PP	-
State of Decay 2: Juggernaut Edition	4.9 TF2	$9.37 PP	-
Stellaris	3.3 TF2	$6.25 PP	-
Stellaris: Federations	2.7 TF2	$5.11 PP	-
Streets of Rogue	0.5 TF2	$0.91 PP	-
Subnautica	5.3 TF2	$10.08 PP	-
Sunset Overdrive	0.8 TF2	$1.52 PP	-
TEKKEN 7	1.9 TF2	$3.56 PP	-
The Ascent	0.6 TF2	$1.18 PP	-
The Dark Pictures Anthology: House of Ashes	1.3 TF2	$2.42 PP	-
The Dark Pictures Anthology: Man of Medan	2.2 TF2	$4.21 PP	-
The Escapists 2	1.0 TF2 Refer To My Other Thread	$1.89 PP Refer To My Other Thread	Team17: From Gold Greens to Battle Scenes Bundle
The Jackbox Party Pack 3	2.3 TF2	$4.45 PP	-
The Jackbox Party Pack 5	2.3 TF2	$4.33 PP	-
The Jackbox Party Pack 7	3.6 TF2	$6.81 PP	-
The LEGO® Movie Videogame	0.4 TF2	$0.73 PP	-
The Mortuary Assistant	3.9 TF2	$7.41 PP	-
The Outer Worlds: Spacer's Choice Edition	2.7 TF2	$5.1 PP	-
The Quarry Deluxe Edition	2.7 TF2	$5.21 PP	-
The Universim	3.0 TF2	$5.78 PP	-
The Walking Dead: A New Frontier	0.7 TF2	$1.42 PP	-
The Walking Dead: Season Two	0.4 TF2	$0.79 PP	-
The Walking Dead: The Final Season	1.2 TF2	$2.25 PP	-
The Walking Dead: The Telltale Definitive Series	3.4 TF2	$6.41 PP	-
The Witness	0.8 TF2	$1.58 PP	-
The Wolf Among Us	1.3 TF2	$2.53 PP	-
Total War SHOGUN 2 Collection	1.8 TF2	$3.48 PP	-
Total War: Attila	1.6 TF2	$3.12 PP	-
Total War: Napoleon - Definitive Edition	1.6 TF2	$3.05 PP	-
Total War: ROME II - Emperor Edition	2.5 TF2	$4.68 PP	-
Total War™: WARHAMMER®	3.1 TF2	$5.96 PP	-
Totally Accurate Battle Simulator	1.7 TF2	$3.23 PP	-
Trailmakers	0.7 TF2	$1.37 PP	-
Tropico 6	1.6 TF2	$3.03 PP	-
Two Point Campus	1.0 TF2	$1.83 PP	-
Ultimate Chicken Horse	1.6 TF2	$2.96 PP	-
Unpacking	0.9 TF2	$1.8 PP	-
Unrailed!	0.9 TF2	$1.74 PP	-
VTOL VR	4.6 TF2	$8.76 PP	-
Victoria 3	1.4 TF2	$2.72 PP	-
Viscera Cleanup Detail	1.4 TF2	$2.74 PP	-
WRATH: Aeon of Ruin	0.7 TF2	$1.33 PP	-
WWE 2K23	6.7 TF2	$12.75 PP	-
Warhammer 40,000 Dawn of War III	2.2 TF2	$4.17 PP	-
Warhammer 40,000: Chaos Gate - Daemonhunters	1.9 TF2	$3.6 PP	-
Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War - Master Collection	1.7 TF2	$3.28 PP	-
Warhammer: Vermintide 2	0.7 TF2	$1.41 PP	-
Wasteland 3	1.8 TF2	$3.46 PP	-
Witch It	1.4 TF2	$2.65 PP	-
Worms Armageddon	0.4 TF2	$0.84 PP	-
Yakuza 0	3.1 TF2	$5.82 PP	-
Yakuza 4 Remastered	0.5 TF2	$0.86 PP	-
Zombie Army 4: Dead War	1.1 TF2	$2.02 PP	-
rFactor 2	0.6 TF2	$1.11 PP	-

 
IGS Rep Page:
https://www.reddit.com/IGSRep/comments/ggsaik/fappidydats_igs_rep_page/
 
SteamTrades Rep Page (1000+):
https://www.steamtrades.com/use76561198097671494
 
GameTrade Rep Page:
https://www.reddit.com/GameTradeRep/comments/ggrz1y/fappidydats_gametrade_rep_page/?
 
SGSFlair Rep Page:
https://www.reddit.com/sgsflaicomments/ggag04/flair_profile_ufappidydat/