Poem to my expectant daughter

My [47m] sister [38f] went to prison for tax fraud. She failed to report income from her MLM over the course of 8 years (almost $400k in gross sales). She is going to be gone for 12 years, minimum. As a result, I took her daughter, my niece [14f], into my home, so she wouldn't end up in foster care (dad is not in the picture).
I've been raising my niece for almost two years now. I treat her the same as I treat my own 5 kids. She's well fed, sees any doctor she needs to, and she attends the same private school that my own children do (all on my dime).
Recently, my sister was approved for a transfer so she could be "closer to family". The prison she was moved to is a 6hr drive from my house (previously, we had to fly to go see her).
When my sister was not in driving distance, I would fly my niece out to see her mom once a month. We would spend the weekend out there, and visit her for 3hrs on both weekend days. The rest of the weekend was filled out with my niece and I checking out the local food and culture.
Well, now that my sister is in a closer prison, she expects us to come see her every weekend. Not only would that require me to spend 12hrs a week driving (round trip), but my niece would have to give up most of her social life to visit her mom in prison.
I was reluctant (but ultimately willing) to give up that much of my time. The thing is, my niece doesn't want to go every weekend. She wants to spend her weekends socializing with her friends, going on dates, seeing concerts, and generally being a teenager. She is 100% OK with keeping up the one weekend a month visitation.
I told my sister this, and she flipped her shit. She claims that I am "alienating" her from her daughter, and turning her daughter against her, because I'm "too lazy" to drive my niece out there every weekend.
Yesterday, we went in for our monthly visit, and my sister refused my visit, she only wanted to see her daughter. But the prison does not allow minors to visit without an adult, so ultimately she did not get to see her daughter yesterday.
It's 6am, I'm sitting awake in a hotel room while my niece is sleeping, and I'm wondering if it's even worth it to go back to the prison when visiting hours open up.
I've got cousins, aunts, and uncles messaging me that I shouldn't try to "keep her away from her daughter". But that's the opposite of what I'm doing.

Since highschool I have dated overweight, large breasted women. When I am really attracted to skinny, small breasts, and maybe a little butt.
I'm not an ugly guy at all, but I'm scared to death to talk to women because I'm scared they will be scared of me, or think I'm an ass. Or more recently that I'm a predator... I bought a drink for a girl at a bar. Had the bartender pour and deliver, and then spoke to the police and never got to talk to the girl..
A little background, I'm a man with 5 sisters, raised by a mom, dad was a truck driver.... I was taught to cook dinner, clean house, wash dishes, mow the lawn, change oil in cars, and be courteous. I was raised by women, to respect women. I'm a vet, college grad, work in a respectable trade, and I don't smoke or do any drugs at all... I'm 6"1", 260lbs, I lift 5 days a week, I have 2 degrees, and I had teeth knocked out after my Army service in an accident, I DO have gray hair, but I've had that since highschool, and I'm a joker.
And yet the only women I can "match" with, in person or online, are women that outweigh me, at 6'1" 260... and by outweigh I mean a woman that is 5'4" and 250, or a woman that is 6' and 325.
I am a successful union worker, a single father, and a business owner. My house is paid off, my cars are paid, and my kiddo is not and will not be involved until I'm sure it's a serious thing (other than that I let the women know I'm a single dad)...
I don't understand why I can't find a woman that I want... I am a gentleman, I still open doors for everyone, I have been degraded for pulling a chair for a woman in a date, so I stopped doing that.. but I strive to be a respectful man everyday of my life. I don't talk politics, or religion, I love animals, I am a gun owner, because I want to be able to protect my house because I don't live in a great place, but I don't talk about, or show off any of that...
And don't get me wrong, I'm not judging the women that are overweight that are talking to me.
I'm just asking why I can't find just a single woman, just one, that wants to spend some time with me and get to know me..... I'm so lonely as an adult. I mean fuck it. I'm happy to raise my daughter who I have full custody of, and I love her to death. But I'm tired of being with women who are not taking care of themselves, I'm not perfect at all, I don't expect perfection. I'm not asking for a 10, I just want a woman that will work as hard as I do. That will take care of their health like I do...
And the only women that I can find that will do those things I'm not attracted to...

im making this post on a throwaway account to avoid any family input or what have you. i want to start off by saying the dog i mention in this post has been close to me and my partner since my mother brought him home about 2 years ago and the reason for this is simply because we have been taking care of and raising him like he was ours since she got him because all she wanted him for was so that she could look cute with him on social media (where she basically lives digitally). about a year after she got him problems had arised in the household mainly because of me, i had just got back to her house after spending 2021 back in my hometown three hours from where we lived after she kicked me out of her house for questioning her on account of a current gf i had at the time (who did start the issue and waited until my mom kicked me out to come clean). it was fine with me i took that on the chin because at the end of the day i was wrong for coming at my mom for assuming she didnt like my partner bc she was white. fast forward a year later about early 2022. and we talk about our bond and she says i can come back and get myself together because she knew i was in a fucked up situation financially where i was staying. i come back to her house in 2022 and she had told me before i even came back that she just wanted me to focus on myself and not worry about her bills. i wasnt eager to go with this decision but it was smart considering i was basically starting from scratch with life in general. got a job not too long after i got back and met my current partner (we'll call her beck). beck is white while me and my family are black and trust me this information is important. beck comes into the picture and we hang out more and she starts coming over some days hanging out in my room and i went to her house twice because her mother kept the place in shitty conditions and basically tried to downplay her own daughter right in front of me both times. i could tell beck had issues with being home and she too was in the process of getting her life together without even saying any of this. so i knew being with me in my room at my moms house was her only escape. mom for random reasons started having issues with beck cleaning the house for her while she was at work or taking care of the dog in a way my mother didnt approve. then it graduated to beck "stealing" money from her but her never having the proof or the funds to back it up to begin with. my mothers partner at the time of like 8 or 9 years who we'll call randy was cool as hell but somehow never managed to avoid fighting with her verbally. this went on the whole time i was there and randy ended up leaving and they broke up. problem was randy left right around the time i started fumbling with my jobs and needing to look around. now i wanna say im no saint, i spent my time searching for jobs AND gaming bc im a gamer. problem was i was taking too long this time around and theres no excuse. she started turning the heat on me and my partner once randy left and i started getting fed up because she was now asking for rent money while belittling me and my partner for being "laid up in her house". again, fair point. so my next step was realizing whether i had a job or not this woman was a firestarter no matter what you had going on. getting up early morning to say little slick comments in the morning because she wanted to get a reaction. by this point me and my partner are looking for a new place to live while we figure things out. my mother catches wind of this and starts asking when we'll take the dog after we get the place. now me knowing that she wont take proper care of him, i agree to take him with us and her response is "well hes not going anywhere until i see the house that yall move to. i wanna see everything to make sure its good for my baby"(the dog). i immediately got pissed and told her its not going down like that and that she needs to start considering how she speaks to people mainly me because im not gonna keep dealng with it. she got offended and kicked me and my partner AND THE DOG out of the room mid convo bc she didnt like what i said. me and my partner go back to my room and close the door to which she comes out saying "disrespectful little motherfucker talking to your mother like that" super loud. i let that one get to me and i mistakenly opened my door and started arguing. out of nowhere she hits me with "n***a fuck you" "you wont have to worry about me or the dog because NOW you AINT seeing him how about that" i said "thats fine hes not a bargaining chip". she went back to her room and slammed the door. didnt speak to me for like a week. my birthday comes around after this long week and she working the day of. i didnt expect her to say shit bc i know my mother and shes that petty. what i didnt expect was for her to hop on social media and wish early happy birthdays to two family members that werent me. ok fine thats cool. she gets home that same day and asks my partner if sai(the dog) has been out. my partner says "no we couldnt take him because his leash and collar are in the room and you locked the door. she had been locking the door ever since she started blaming beck for stealing from her. so once she realized the dog hadnt been out because she locked the door, she tells beck to "ask him if he'll take him out" by this point ive been told im not shit and im not needed and the first thing u say to me on my birthday is "can you take him out" i said no. rage ensued as she slammed the bathroom door on her way out of it. this time she kept walking passed my door talking more shit. more of the usual "i gave you life and you treat me like this" i told her to get away from the door with the nonsense and she started a full argument and said we had to go tomorrow. tomorrow rolls around and we wait for her to go to work so we can leave in peace. she normally got home around 9pm but on this day here she comes strolling in at 2pm right in the middle of packing. paces in front of our door talking shit and this time beck responds saying "we're leaving you need to let us be". this woman then told my partner she was going to beat her ass. i immediately shut that down too because i never seen my mother get tough with anybody. and here she is getting tough with the one person who hates confrontation. after i told her she wasnt even that type of person she replies with i'll stab both of yall in yall sleep. said weird stuff like "thats right i forgot i cant throw pussy on you and call you sexy like her im just the mother you dont have to respect". beck calls me sexy every day. its our little corny but cute word between us. anyway after 30 more minutes of bullshit arguing we leave for becks moms house which fucking sucked until my brother offered me a job in California working with him and my dad. throughout the 5 or 6 months of me being there i was making good money and even tho my mom was fucked up to me, i sent her funds when i could. my father found out i was sending funds to my mom AND my sisters (his daughters with other women) and the fuckhead accused me of using him then when i told him save it for after work(we worked the same construction site) the motherfucker sat there next to me and argued with himself bc i started ignoring the "i feel like your playing with me" comments because i told him "im a grown ass man and we are at work. you are not to question me about shit because you wont get an answer you like. i help my family out because its my money. simple" he then grabbed my shirt yelling "who are you talking to" snatched his hand off and he gets in my face saying "DONT FUCKIN TOUCH ME" so i replied calm "dont touch me at all. thats the last free one your gonna get" dude looks around the lot at a crowd and says "you wanna fight or something? yall wouldnt be working here without me" i couldnt help but laugh in his face for trying to cause scene for an audience and went home. packed me and my partner up, came back to new york where im from. stayed with my mom for a month before me and my partner rushed and got into the place we have now. problem was now that we had our own space, my mom pushed sai off on us and dude practically lived with us. barely went home.fast forward to like 2 weeks ago. by this point we have our two cat boys cosmo and dexter. they are babies. 4months and some change to be exact. we tried introducing sai to the boys multiple times a day and he kept jumping at them or scaring them. the only option was to let sai sleep in the living room. we kept my mother in the loop with him because by law, hes "her dog". she started her little comments over text to beck immediately "if yall plan on mistreating my baby he dont have to be there" then told beck "im venting if you mention this to my son im gonna cuss you tf out" we let that one slide because now i was building my evidence so when i bugged tf out, i wasnt wrong. next day some old dude on our block got aggressive with beck for walking sai "on his block" she called me to come handle it and i get there and back him off. by this point im pissed. beck calls my mother to tell her sai gotta go home this week hes been with us since we got our place. mother catches a attitude and i again let it go. two days later beck has a goofy moment and brings sai in the room seconds after her, the boys and i just got up. dexter pops sai on the nose for getting too close. beck moves asai then scrunches dex to put him in time out. i got annoyed when she scrunched my furry boy. told her dont do that shit again even tho it supposedly doesn't hurt them, i dont like seeing it especially when it all happened because she was doing too much too early. she had a moment and told my mom he has to go "because your son is getting annoyed". mother responds "he can come today he'll be fine at home by himself. hes favoring those cats over his brother (sai). i immediately got pissed at both of them. called my mother and told her hes going home and hes not coming back because im tired of the comments of neglect when i actively tried to introduce him to the boys with no progress. i mean FUCK i kept the boys stuck in the room in their own home so your dog can fuck our living room and kitchen up. i then got on beck for being a firestarter to which she argued me on. then i told her the relationship was on the verge of being done because your not gonna be sitting around me starting shit. i didnt let up until she realized how petty she was being and how at risk we were because of it. my mother then argued me down telling me im dumb. and then she basically skipped over the fact she didnt reach out to her son to see what happened before coming at me in a side convo with beck. beck brought the convo to my attention which was wat initially set me off but i made sure to get on her ass instigating an issue where there was none. mom then called beck a white trash stealing dirty bitch. we told her to come get her dog. i cut contact soon as she left. a day later i find out she called the women on her side of the family and fabricated the whole story i didnt bother clearing it up or giving her that satisfaction of a response. then 2 days ago she called my phone and i let it ring. haven't spoken since. AITAH here? genuine question

This week I went up to my brother's best friend's ranch with my brother, in hopes that I would keep his friend (lets call him Chris)'s girlfriend of 5 years(Darla) company as shes completely isolated. We were originally just supposed to stay one or two nights, get absolutely slammed and faded those nights, then go home. We ended up staying for almost a week.
The first 2 nights were nice, We would do farm chores, Chris would ask me to go smoke w him at noon, my brother would get blackout drunk, Chris and I would make fun of him and record him while Darla slept, then in the morning my brother, Chris, and I woukd watch Baki until Darla woke up. On the 3rd night, Chris showed me how to ride some of the heavy equipment and feed the animals, and after having driven out to god knows where on some private road and getting drunk, we all came home and Chris and I went out to get food as we had just taken dabs 30min prior, our first time being actually fully alone.
On the 4th morning, thursday morning, during our usual wake-and-bake Baki binge, I noticed Chris kept looking at me when I wasn't watchjng the screen, he was sitting much closer, and even made an almost flirty joke as I was trying to touch up my makeup.
That night Darla suggested we all go out to this private abandoned lake and hang out, so we packed the truck stock full of blunts and wine and other vices and drove out.
Turned out there was a pretty steep climb down to the lake from where we parked that Darla couldnt quite handle right, so I helped her the entire way down, holding her hand when she was scared, and even carrying her, but Chris only ever offered to help me.
When we got to the lake Chris would offer me drinks by holding them to my mouth and letting me drink as he held the bottle/can; he would ask me first to pass a blunt or drink; he even kept showing me the cool snail shells he found.
He barely talked to Darla, and she smoked for the very first time that night.
When we got back up to the truck, just before the sun began to set, Chris picked me up and sat me next to him on the truck roof when Darla was upset about something in the passenger seat.
You see, Chris and Darla had been fighting the entire time we had visited. Something always upset her, something always meant he didn't love her. He was so clearly stressed. On the roof of that truck, he told me all their problems. How she doesn't listen when he tries to talk, how the relationship feels stagnant, how she spends the money he doesn't have, how she doesn't reach out or talk to anyone but him, how he thinks the view is so pretty and the drinks are so good but he doesn't know what else to do.
After that, we decided to head home.
Mid-drive home, he pulled over and asked me to go out with him to the nearby hill to look at the sunset. I was too tipsy to walk and my outfit was too delicate and he didnt want it to ruin, so he carried me down. My brother, clearly black-out drunk at this point, didnt get the hint, so we had to keep sending him back to get us drinks that we didnt drink. Between these drinks, Chris confessed to me that he was so attracted to me and that terrified him and he cried. He told me he had been trying to make moves on me each night and felt so guilty. He told me the outfits I'd wear would drive him crazy. He told me he felt like he could confide in me. I told him I liked him back.
The problem is, I also have a partner. We're LDR and have never met IRL (dated 6 months). There was seemingly always a reason for him to not come by, either he didn't want to, or was scared, or didn't have the time despite making plans to stop by prior that I consistantly offer to pay in full for. I felt like I could never bring up an issue eithout it turning into him telling me we should probably just break up because he has issues. I couldn't set boundaries, either he'd tell me I was his only support system when I'd say if I couldn't handle his venting ATM but I could later, or he'd coerce me out of sexual boundaries by pouting or repeatedly begging me. He never showed me he cared about me unless he was insecure or horny. He was always mad at me over the slightest things, too. Me apologizing, annoying. Me talking to him st the wrong time, frustrating. Me talking about my friends, jealous. Me needing him to elaborate or reword something because I genuinely couldnt understand him, too much. I didn't feel loved. I felt more like a beat dog than anything human.
As we drove back for the final time, Darla and Chris had practically scream fought the entire time (I was in the bed of the truck so I couldn't hear anything of substance).
When we got back home, Darla kept bringing out more drinks and even took a small dab.
Chris and I stepped out for a moment to grab something from my brother's car (plus I was nauseaous from all the drinks and need air). He kissed me. I didn't expect it, but I didn't stop it. I hate it, but I loved it. So much. He hugged me and asked if I was okay. He kissed me again and we headed back inside. By then, Darla was vomitting and crying for Chris to help her and hold her hair back, but he couldn't be near her without feeling sick, so I went down to help her and he sat next me the entire time. He didn't touch her, even when she said she needed him. I just held her hair and rubbed her back and arm.
She lingered downstair when she was done, and Chris and I went back upstairs to watch a movie. He kept rubbing my leg as I sat on the floor by his bench.
Apparently, she always does this. She expects him to listen and fix all her problems, but drinks like a fish anytime he needs to bring up an issue and cries for him to take care of her. It was fairly evident they really only really got along when they're both passionately drunk. He was so done but he still loved her so much.
They had an arguement, he confronted her about her behavior, she wouldn't listen, so he just took her to their room to hopefully discuss this when shes sober. After sitting in silence for a bit, Chris and I headed out for a walk at around 2 am.
We mustve walked for at least a mile or two when we found a place to sit down and chat. He held me in his arms. He rubbed my back and pressed me close into him. We talked about what we wanted for our futures, what was so wrong about our relationships, our issues, what we found so attractive about each other, and any random bullshit. We kissed, we madeout, he cried, but we both agreed this could never be sexual. It was too pure, despite the circumstances. He told me that, if his future ever involved me, he'd want to get to know me first, platonically or not. He told me that even if we don't become anything, he wants me to break up with my bf because he doesn't think I deserve how I'm treated. He told me he doesn't know what I see in him. He asked me when last I'd been properly held.
Nobody had ever looked at me like that. Nobody had ever held me like that. I don't think I've ever even had just a conversation that nice before. I hadn't been touched in almost a year. Despite our different views, we got along so well in humor, conversation, wishes for our futures, and of course physical chemistry. It was all so.. nice.
It terrified me.
We got back to the house at 4am, we smoked some dabs, he hugged me so tight I could feel the tears soak my shirt and his heavy breathing, he showed me old photos and videos he was embarrassed about, and we went to sleep in our respective beds.
That morning yesterday he slept in twice as long as usual, he was distant and clearly tired. he wasnt avoiding me, but it wasnt the same. Not to mention, him and Darla seemed closer than ever. I basically spent my entire day avoiding his eye contact, smoking, and crying in my brother's car waiting for us to head out.
I honestly don't know what else I expected.
I got his number from my brother as he drove and I apologized to him for what I did to him. I apologized for taking advantage of him like that. He told me I shouldn't blame myself and I'm welcome back whenever, but he just couldn't live with himself right now.
Today, I told my boyfriend everything and told him I think we should break up.
I realized, admittedly partially because of Chris, that while I still love my bf so much, I just can't do this anymore. I still care about him with my entire sould, but I still have so much untreated trauma and mental issues I need to work through, and being in a relationship is just making it all worse.
As soon as I told him, he pulled out every line in the book. He compared me to his mom's drinking and cheating. He told me he still sleeps with the stuffed animal I gave him months ago. He told me he can change and that he can help me with my recovery. He told me he wrote a poem for me. He told me that that's 'not the real him'. He's said I love you more than he has in the entire relationship just today. He keeps begging me to say I still love him and that everything will be okay, and I can't stand any of it anymore. I do still love him so much, and I offered to wait until my next therapy appointment in a day to officially break up, but I just want it to be over. I can't be his onky friend, I can't be his 24/7 booty call, I can't be his punching bag when he's pissed.
Chris and I are probably never going to happen and he'll probably marry Darla in the end. My bf will block me and I'll end up back to where I was before.
I don't know what happened, but I fucked up so bad. I don't cheat, I never drink with people, I don't do these things. I hurt so many people and I don't know how I'll live with myself. I don't know how I'll stay alive.
Darla didn't deserve this, Chris didn't deserve this, and my bf didn't deserve this, yet here we are.
I honestly I think i just need this all to be out of my head and into the world so I can finally start to breathe again.
I'm so sorry for the whole novel TL;DR↓
My relationship makes me feel helpless. I got drunk with my brother's friend with relationship problems, too. He kissed me 3 times and I liked it but he regrets it. I'm trying to break up with my bf but I don't know what to do with my life after this all.

This week I went up to my brother's best friend's ranch with my brother, in hopes that I would keep his friend (lets call him Chris)'s girlfriend of 5 years(Darla) company as she's completely isolated. We were originally just supposed to stay one or two nights, get absolutely slammed and faded those nights, then go home. We ended up staying for almost a week. The first 2 nights were nice, We would do farm chores, Chris would ask me to go smoke w him at noon, my brother would get blackout drunk, Chris and I would make fun of him and record him while Darla slept, then in the morning my brother, Chris, and I woukd watch Baki until Darla woke up. On the 3rd night, Chris showed me how to ride some of the heavy equipment and feed the animals, and after having driven out to god knows where on some private road and getting drunk, we all came home and Chris and I went out to get food as we had just taken dabs 30min prior, our first time being actually fully alone. On the 4th morning, thursday morning, during our usual wake-and-bake Baki binge, I noticed Chris kept looking at me when I wasn't watchjng the screen, he was sitting much closer, and even made an almost flirty joke as I was trying to touch up my makeup. That night Darla suggested we all go out to this private abandoned lake and hang out, so we packed the truck stock full of blunts and wine and other vices and drove out. Turned out there was a pretty steep climb down to the lake from where we parked that Darla couldnt quite handle right, so I helped her the entire way down, holding her hand when she was scared, and even carrying her, but Chris only ever offered to help me. When we got to the lake Chris would offer me drinks by holding them to my mouth and letting me drink as he held the bottle/can; he would ask me first to pass a blunt or drink; he even kept showing me the cool snail shells he found. He barely talked to Darla, and she smoked for the very first time that night. When we got back up to the truck, just before the sun began to set, Chris picked me up and sat me next to him on the truck roof when Darla was upset about something in the passenger seat. You see, Chris and Darla had been fighting the entire time we had visited. Something always upset her, something always meant he didn't love her. He was so clearly stressed. On the roof of that truck, he told me all their problems. How she doesn't listen when he tries to talk, how the relationship feels stagnant, how she spends the money he doesn't have, how she doesn't reach out or talk to anyone but him, how he thinks the view is so pretty and the drinks are so good but he doesn't know what else to do. After that, we decided to head home. Mid-drive home, he pulled over and asked me to go out with him to the nearby hill to look at the sunset. I was too tipsy to walk and my outfit was too delicate and he didnt want it to ruin, so he carried me down. My brother, clearly black-out drunk at this point, didnt get the hint, so we had to keep sending him back to get us drinks that we didnt drink. Between these drinks, Chris confessed to me that he was so attracted to me and that terrified him and he cried. He told me he had been trying to make moves on me each night and felt so guilty. He told me the outfits I'd wear would drive him crazy. He told me he felt like he could confide in me. I told him I liked him back. The problem is, I also have a partner. We're LDR and have never met IRL (dated 6 months). There was seemingly always a reason for him to not come by, either he didn't want to, or was scared, or didn't have the time despite making plans to stop by prior that I consistantly offer to pay in full for. I felt like I could never bring up an issue eithout it turning into him telling me we should probably just break up because he has issues. I couldn't set boundaries, either he'd tell me I was his only support system when I'd say if I couldn't handle his venting ATM but I could later, or he'd coerce me out of sexual boundaries by pouting or repeatedly begging me. He never showed me he cared about me unless he was insecure or horny. He was always mad at me over the slightest things, too. Me apologizing, annoying. Me talking to him st the wrong time, frustrating. Me talking about my friends, jealous. Me needing him to elaborate or reword something because I genuinely couldnt understand him, too much. I didn't feel loved. I felt more like a beat dog than anything human. As we drove back for the final time, Darla and Chris practically scream fought the entire time (I was in the bed of the truck so I couldn't hear anything of substance). When we got back home, Darla kept bringing out more drinks and even took a small dab. Chris and I stepped out for a moment to grab something from my brother's car (plus I was nauseaous from all the drinks and need air). He kissed me. I didn't expect it, but I didn't stop it. I hate it, but I loved it. So much. He hugged me and asked if I was okay. He kissed me again and we headed back inside. By then, Darla was vomitting and crying for Chris to help her and hold her hair back, but he couldn't be near her without feeling sick, so I went down to help her and he sat next me the entire time. He didn't touch her, even when she said she needed him. I just held her hair and rubbed her back and arm. She lingered downstair when she was done, and Chris and I went back upstairs to watch a movie. He kept rubbing my leg as I sat on the floor by his bench. Apparently, she always does this. She expects him to listen and fix all her problems, but drinks like a fish anytime he needs to bring up an issue and cries for him to take care of her. It was fairly evident they really only really got along when they're both passionately drunk. He was so done but he still loved her so much. They had an arguement, he confronted her about her behavior, she wouldn't listen, so he just took her to their room to hopefully discuss this when shes sober. After sitting in silence for a bit, Chris and I headed out for a walk at around 2 am. We mustve walked for at least a mile or two when we found a place to sit down and chat. He held me in his arms. He rubbed my back and pressed me close into him. We talked about what we wanted for our futures, what was so wrong about our relationships, our issues, what we found so attractive about each other, and any random bullshit. We kissed, we madeout, he cried, but we both agreed this could never be sexual. It was too pure, despite the circumstances. He told me that, if his future ever involved me, he'd want to get to know me first, platonically or not. He told me that even if we don't become anything, he wants me to break up with my bf because he doesn't think I deserve how I'm treated. He told me he doesn't know what I see in him. He asked me when last I'd been properly held. Nobody had ever looked at me like that. Nobody had ever held me like that. I don't think I've ever even had just a conversation that nice before. I hadn't been touched in almost a year. Despite our different views, we got along so well in humor, conversation, wishes for our futures, and of course physical chemistry. It was all so.. nice. It terrified me. We got back to the house at 4am, we smoked some dabs, he hugged me so tight I could feel the tears soak my shirt and his heavy breathing, he showed me old photos and videos he was embarrassed about, and we went to sleep in our respective beds. That morning yesterday he slept in twice as long as usual, he was distant and clearly tired. he wasnt avoiding me, but it wasnt the same. Not to mention, him and Darla seemed closer than ever. I basically spent my entire day avoiding his eye contact, smoking, and crying in my brother's car waiting for us to head out. I honestly don't know what else I expected. I got his number from my brother as he drove and I apologized to him for what I did to him. I apologized for taking advantage of him like that. He told me I shouldn't blame myself and I'm welcome back whenever, but he just couldn't live with himself right now. Today, I told my boyfriend everything and told him I think we should break up. I realized, admittedly partially because of Chris, that while I still love my bf so much, I just can't do this anymore. I still care about him with my entire sould, but I still have so much untreated trauma and mental issues I need to work through, and being in a relationship is just making it all worse. As soon as I told him, he pulled out every line in the book. He compared me to his mom's drinking and cheating. He told me he still sleeps with the stuffed animal I gave him months ago. He told me he can change and that he can help me with my recovery. He told me he wrote a poem for me. He told me that that's 'not the real him'. He's said I love you more than he has in the entire relationship just today. He keeps begging me to say I still love him and that everything will be okay, and I can't stand any of it anymore. I do still love him so much, and I offered to wait until my next therapy appointment in a day to officially break up, but I just want it to be over. I can't be his onky friend, I can't be his 24/7 booty call, I can't be his punching bag when he's pissed. Chris and I are probably never going to happen and he'll probably marry Darla in the end. My bf will block me and I'll end up back to where I was before. I don't know what happened, but I fucked up so bad. I don't cheat, I never drink without people, I don't do these things. I hurt so many people and I don't know how I'll live with myself. Darla didn't deserve this, Chris didn't deserve this, and my bf didn't deserve this, yet here we are. I honestly think i just need this all to be out of my head and into the world so I can finally start to breathe again.
I'm so sorry for the whole novel TL;DR↓
My relationship makes me feel helpless. I got drunk with my brother's friend with relationship problems, too. He kissed me 3 times and I liked it but he regrets it. I'm trying to break up with my bf but I don't know what to do with my life after this all.

Hey all! I’m just looking for some validation and support and I also need to know if I am being unreasonable. To provide some context, I am a new step-mother, only 8 months in. I went from single to wife and step-mom of 4 step-daughters. My husband and I have been planning a camping/fishing trip to a place we love for a few months now. We’re going to be gone for 5 days, on the week we don’t have the kids. We have them every other week and I am usually taking care of them, making dinners and spending time with them. My husband works full-time and I recently started working part-time again. I’ve been really looking forward to this week of quality time with my husband, kid-free, with just my husband and dog. This step-mom thing is a huge adjustment for me and I never expected to be a mostly stay at home step-mom. So, back to the camping trip: my husband texted me tonight (2 days before we’re supposed to go) asking what I think about my 10 year-old step-daughter (his daughter) joining us. Keep in mind, I’m with the girls way more than he is and if we were to take her with, that would give me 2 days (which I’m working) before having them again for another week. I was SO excited for this trip and to get some peace and quiet out in nature. If I’m being honest, I don’t what my step-daughter to come because she talks a lot and I don’t understand what my husband thinks she’s going to do while he’s/we’re fishing. I realize I’m kind of venting but I think I just need some time to take care of myself. I explained that to my husband and asked if we could go just us this time, like we were planning, and bring her next time. In fact, I’d love to bring her if that was initially the plan! He said they’ll both be heartbroken if she can’t come this time. I’m just getting more and more frustrated because it makes me feel like my needs don’t matter when he responds that way. I feel so bad and I know she would be hurt if she knew I don’t want her to come but this is so last minute and I wasn’t mentally prepared to have our 10 year-old on our camping trip. Am I in the wrong for feeling the way I do? What do I do?? Now, I’m just disappointed and don’t even want to go.

I’m so tired of being the oldest daughter. As a child of immigrant, I understand the importance of helping out my family. I try not to take things for granted and do my best at school because that’s what I’ve been taught. However, from the moment my little brother was born, I had to take on the third parent (my brother and I are 10 years apart).
At 10, I was helping around the house and understood my own responsibilities. Now currently, at 10, my mom still treats him like he is 5. Simple things that I did on my own, my brother wouldn’t such as: I would set my own alarm, make my own breakfast, do chores, do my homework, get food for myself, and also would watch my brother, etc. But every morning my mom would even pour milk for him, wake him up, he doesn’t have much agency for himself.
It is so incredibly frustrating that I have to set my schedule around my brother. If I wanted to hangout with friends, I am expected to take my brother along with me despite of our very different stage in life as I am a full fledged adult while he is still in elementary. My mom would guilt trip me whenever I wanted to go out on my own, saying things such as I don’t love my brother and I’m selfish. While I know my brother is not to blame, I resent him. I resent my parents.
In addition to how my parents raised us, my brother have been attached with me, in which I can’t even understand if it is healthy or not. He still wants to sleep with me in my bed even though I have expressed that I wanted to be by myself. He gets upset but at the same time, I think he’s just one of the children that aren’t ready to sleep on their own yet. Even so, why is this pressure placed on me?
After feeling suffocated for many years, I decided to go out of state for university. While I feel so much more free at university, I found it incredibly hard and difficult because I was raised to always put other feelings before mine. There was a few situations in which people did me wrong, but I was so anxious to speak up.
It is just so tiring because I have witnessed my parents hard work, I know how much they have sacrificed for me as immigrants. But I still don’t feel right about how they treated me and the role they expect me to fill. My brother should be my parent’s responsibility, not mine. I should not be expected to take care of him more than I should within the boundaries of being an older sister. Also, my brother is now set to believe that I should do everything for him because that is what my parents reinforced in his mind. That if I go somewhere, he is obligated to go as well.
I just resent my parents and brother so much. I see other people and I get so jealous that they can just do whatever they want while I still have to ask for permission. And also! My mom is still trying to track my location, wherever I go. I hate this in between treatment. Am I child or an adult? Pick one.

I'm really struggling to find a sense of purpose right now. Perimenopause, PMDD, and Fibro are creating a perfect storm. I'm taking an antidepressant which helps, but might not be enough; I don't know. Pregabalin may help more than I realize, but it's not helping me fall asleep anymore. Melatonin isn't doing much either, lately. Sometimes the herbal tea/concoction helps, or seems to, and other times insomnia gets me no matter what I do. I've been working on fixing my sleep for over a year, changing so many habits, adding meds, herbs, supplements, etc. Breathing, low light, magnesium (in various formulas), and it seems like my body reverts to the backwards clock it's had since childhood when my fibro probably began. At sundown I finally get awake, but my body is tired. All day I drag with fatigue, then I drag through hours of insomnia. I get so sleepy, but it's like a butterfly that flies away at the slightest breeze or movement.
You all know the frustrations of trying to find something that works - and keeps working. I think hormonal changes and lack of sleep are making the mild depression much worse. And then the financial pressures, issues with my marriage and 3 daughters, etc, etc, and it often feels like nothing matters and nothing will change any time soon. I can't see a way to improve my situation. I don't know who to talk to or what good it would do. I'm not at risk of harming myself, especially because I can't put my family through that, and because if nothing else, it seems that to some degree, they still need me, even in my limited capacity. (It probably isn't helping either that I am recovering from a root canal on an infected tooth, although some of the depression got worse 8 months ago when my dad died - we weren't really close, but it turned out to affect me a lot more than I expected.) Thanks for reading, and thanks to those who respond. I'm not sure that I am looking for advice - you know how our situations are so complicated and how to every suggestion there's a reason why it won't work. Also, I am not living in the United States, so a lot of things don't apply.

They had come from the stars, men clad in gold led by a figure that shone like the son. He had come for his lost daughter and called himself the Emperor, he had come to draft her into his crusade among the stars. Petra had agreed under one condition, one that the Emperor obliged. Word had spread across the planet even to where Aristides was stationed, he knew that Petra was meant for more. He simply wished it was for her passion instead of the terrible purpose of war among the stars. But he couldn’t help but wonder what kind of man this Emperor was, to dream such a grand dream of reuniting humanity across the stars. A servant rushed into his quarters.
Servant: Lord Aristides. I have news.
Aristides: What is it, Endion.
Servant: Giants are approaching the city gates, led by Lady Petra.
Aristides stood up from his desk and rushed out, his guards didn’t even have time to rally until he got to the gates. The citizenry watched in awe as the Hammer of Dammekos marched with an army of Ironclad giants. Their advance stopped when she spotted Aristides and gave the sign to halt. The two locked eyes, Aristides smiled at her.
Petra: You still grin like an idiot
Aristides: [laughs] You’re still as harsh as ever.
Aristides looked to the army.
Aristides: I see you found your people.
Petra: Yes…There’s much to discuss, let us talk indoors.
Aristides nods and escorts her into his home, They sat in the garden like they did during the brief moments of peace after the war.
Petra: I want you to come with me.
Aristides: What?
Petra: I will have need of a diplomat still. There is no one more well suited than you.
Aristides: I will follow you to the farthest star.
He bowed his head to Petra, once he raised it again he saw she was expecting more of him.
Aristides:[smiles] I love you.
Petra: It took you two years to build up the courage, you really would make a poor warrior.
Aristides: [chuckles] You wound m-
Petra grabbed him by the collar and pulled him into a kiss,Aristides returned her affection with as much passion. She let him go and stood up.
Petra: If you have no objections then have the servants pack your things. We leave for Terra today.
Aristides: So soon?
Petra: The Emperor wants to begin preparations as soon as possible.
Aristides: Then I’ll begin my own preparations.
Aristides’ servants began collecting his things; once he was prepared they went to the rendezvous point together. He held her hand and she squeezed back, Aristides missed her presence as much as she missed him, even if she wouldn’t outright say it. Petra of Lochos, to think such a woman existed and she had chosen to take him to the stars.

Content Warning: This story contains themes of mental health issues, suicide and physical violence.
Prosopagnosia v. Cotard's Syndrome
My new doctor - a bright and friendly guy named Sarbjit - took the time to explain his diagnosis to me. He told me my condition was mental, not physical, but it was hard to pay attention to everything he said because my left arm was numb and rotting from the inside out. I smiled and nodded and then when I got home I looked up Cotard’s Syndrome online. Here is what Wikipedia had to say on it.
“Cotard's syndrome, also known as ‘Cotard's delusion’ or ‘Walking Corpse Syndrome’, is a rare mental disorder in which the affected person holds the delusional belief that they are dead, do not exist, are putrefying, or have lost their blood or internal organs.”
I don’t know. Sounded extremely strange to me. I just knew my left arm was dying. Maybe my liver too. I used my right arm, the good one, to open my mail. Most of it was just the normal stuff but when I saw the letter from the Supreme Court of the State of New York I got a little worried. I was here legally - a citizen for almost ten years now - and I knew my rights but being summoned to testify at this criminal trial was a bit unnerving. I didn’t like it. I just try to do my best in this life and mind my own business and not cause problems for others.
When my trial appearance date arrived two months later I took the subway downtown and left my assistant, Stavvy, in charge of the office that day. I sat there on a hard wooden bench in the courtroom all morning listening to the testimony of other witnesses but I wasn’t called to the stand until sometime after we returned from lunch. Eventually, the lawyer for the defense called my name.
She mispronounced it of course - people here always mispronounce Albanian names - so I wasn’t surprised when she called me Mister Shka-Rell-Eee. My surname is Shkreli, after the place where my family comes from, and the proper pronunciation contains only two syllables - Shkrell-Eee. I was trying to hold my left arm in place when she asked her opening question.
Where was I at the time of the murder?
“Well, Miss Anderson” - I pronounced it Ahnd-REE-Sawn, drawing out the first and last syllables while placing too much emphasis on the middle one, intentionally - “I am not entirely certain. That was over a year ago and I travel all around this city on a daily basis for my job. I work in computer repair and IT support and I have customers in all five boroughs.” (This wasn’t exactly true. I wasn’t really willing to travel to Staten Island.) We had spoken four months earlier when she informed me of the questions she intended to ask at trial but I was fairly oblique then and I intended to remain so now. I had bigger problems. Could these people not see that my left arm was rotting away?
She looked at me with a furrowed brow and briskly walked back to the defense table, picked up a leather-bound notepad and opened it.
“Mister Shkreli, when you and I spoke on June 18th you confirmed that you were just leaving a client’s office, TRG Commercial Realty, located at 223 Broome Street here in lower Manhattan at approximately 3:30pm that day, shortly before the incident at issue took place less than one block away. Is that not correct?”
I turned up my native eastern European accent a bit and repositioned my left arm in my lap. I could barely feel it at that point. What was wrong with these people?
“If you say so. Like I said, that was over a year ago and it was just another workday for me.”
She stared at me for a beat or two longer than necessary and then flashed a quick look towards the jurors before continuing.
“Well yes, Mister Shkreli” - again it was Shka-Rell-Eee - “You did tell me that and I do have a recording of our conversation, which you consented to before we began, if the court would like this to be entered into evidence?”
She looked at the judge and the judge looked at me.
“Mister Shkreli,” - he too pronounced it Shka-Rell-Eee - ‘Are you refuting the testimony that Miss Anderson is referencing during your preliminary deposition or can we just move on at this point? If counsel for the defense claims to have this recording I am fairly certain this is true. Will it be necessary to enter this recording into evidence at this time or are you willing to acknowledge Miss Anderson’s claim?”
I repositioned my left arm in my lap and nodded.
“That’s fine, Your Honor. As I said, it was just another workday for me but if Miss Anderson says that is what we discussed I am sure she is probably right.”
The judge nodded back at me. “Very good. Let’s proceed then.”
Miss Anderson walked back to the defense table and dropped the leather-bound notepad before continuing with her final question for me, looking annoyed.
“Picking up where we left off, Mister Shkreli, can you please describe for the court what happened immediately after you left the offices of TRG Commercial Realty at 223 Broome Street on the date in question, October 22nd of last year?”
I didn’t like the way that she was trying to fence me in but I wasn't particularly concerned. I had bigger problems.
“Well, like I said, I don’t really remember that day. There was nothing memorable about it. It was just another day.”
She stared at me for a few seconds then flashed a quick look at the jury box with her eyebrows raised before returning her attention to the judge. “No more questions, Your Honor.”
I was dismissed from the stand but asked to remain in the courtroom as she called her next witness; a small, frail woman from Queens about my same age named Maureen Stewart. She had an odd, twitchy nature about her. I wanted to get home. I wanted to relax.
“Miss Stewart, can you please tell the court where you were on October 22nd of last year at approximately 3:30 in the afternoon?”
The witness looked down for a moment and then glanced towards the judge before removing the slightly confused look from her face and responding in a semi-automated tone.
“Yes, Miss Anderson. At that time, I was just leaving my day shift at the FedEx Office Store (she pronounced it ‘Staw’ in her thick New York accent) on Broome Street and I was walking towards the station for the Six Train to begin my ride back home.”
The attorney for the defense took a momentary pause and then asked her next question.
“And can you please tell us what happened then?”
The witness looked down again and then looked back at the judge, then the jury and, finally, at me. I didn’t like the way she looked at me.
“Yes, as I was leaving my workplace I crossed the street and I remember walking past the entrance to a narrow alleyway where I heard a commotion taking place. It made me stop and look for a second or two but I didn’t want to get involved so I just kept on walking towards the subway and I didn’t think too much about the whole thing until the Homicide detectives contacted me a few days later after they pulled the security camera videos. I came down to the police station the day after that and gave my statement. That was just over a year ago.”
Miss Anderson took a moment to stare at me. I didn’t like that either. I adjusted my left arm in my lap. It was completely numb.
“Thank you, Miss Stewart. Can you please be a bit more specific about what you saw occurring in that alleyway?”
Again, the witness looked down at the floor and then her eyes shot all around the courtroom before she responded.
“Well,” she said, before taking a brief pause. “At first I thought it was just a little scuffle but when I saw the shorter man in the black jacket punch the tall man in the belly a few times I saw some blood starting to spread on the side of his white button-down shirt and I saw what looked like a small knife or something in the shorter man’s hand. The tall thin man looked like he was starting to fall. I remember looking around for a police officer but I certainly wasn’t gonna do anything about it by myself. I mean, what could I do? When I didn’t see no one who could help I just kept on walking towards the subway. I guess I should have done more but I was scared and I just wanted to get back to Forest Hills to pick up my daughter from daycare before five o’clock.”
I glanced at the defendant seated at the table on the left. He looked both hopeful and nervous at the same time, but in a subtle way, like he didn’t want to appear to be either. He kept his head down and never once glanced towards the jury box. Miss Anderson asked her final question.
“Thank you, Miss Stewart. And do you see the man in the black jacket who stabbed the victim, Mister Baronston, on that day last October here in the courtroom now?”
Again the witness looked down at the floor between her feet for a moment and then looked back up, right at me. I felt my blood stop flowing through my veins, or at least through my left arm and the top of my right leg, when she raised up her hand and pointed her index finger at me.
“It was that man, there,” she said.
Miss Anderson nodded and paused for a moment, satisfied, letting it sink in for the jury members. I was stunned. The stylish defense attorney in the toney, expensive clothing began walking back in my direction and she too pointed an accusatory finger.
“If it pleases the court, let the record show that Miss Stewart has identified Mister Jack Shkreli as the attacker who she witnessed in the-”
Just then the witness on the stand, Miss Stewart, pointed her finger at the judge without really looking at him and suddenly blurted out, “Or him. It might have been him too. I’m not 100% sure...”
Miss Anderson paused, clearly nonplussed, and just stared at her witness. The judge also looked baffled for a second or two and then leaned over and whispered something to his court assistant and the two of them shared a quiet smirk.
Then the witness pointed at one of the jurors, a man in the front row about my size.
“Or him. It could have been him. I’m just not sure...” Then she went silent, as did the rest of the courtroom for a few moments. The State’s Attorney, a heavy-set bald man, broke the silence pretty quickly as he rose to his feet.
“Your Honor, the State would like to move to dismiss this witness along with all previous testimony.” He paused briefly and took a deep breath, choosing his next words.
“While we appreciate Miss Stewart’s willingness to appear at trial today, I think it’s clear that her recollection of events is…uncertain at best.” He glared at the defense table for a moment, then added “I’d just like to remind the court that Mister Shkreli” - and God bless him, he pronounced my two-syllable surname correctly - “is not on trial here and if this witness cannot distinguish the man she saw that day from yourself or a random member of our jury panel I don’t think we can accept this testimony or any further testimony from this witness.”
He hung his head respectfully, with the tiniest little smile on his face. He already knew he had won this argument and the judge quickly agreed, telling the jury to disregard what they just heard. Miss Stewart was dismissed from the stand and the defense had no other witnesses left to call. Less than two hours later the jury returned a guilty verdict against the defendant on all counts and the courtroom was cleared. The sentencing hearing would take place at a later date and I was not required to be there. My right leg was starting to feel numb by then but I still managed to get back to the office in time for Stavvy to head home at the end of his shift to make dinner for his kids. His wife was killed in a car accident two years earlier. He was a hard worker and I really liked him.
That night, back at my apartment, I did some research online and learned about a rare mental disorder known as Prosopagnosia. Here is what Wikipedia had to say.
Prosopagnosia, also known as face blindness, is a cognitive disorder of face perception in which the ability to recognize familiar faces, including one's own face (self-recognition), is impaired, while other aspects of visual processing (e.g. object discrimination) and intellectual functioning remain intact.
It all sounded pretty strange to me but if the doctors say it’s real who am I to argue? Apparently it is well documented in the DSM-5. I don’t know if this is the reason why I was able to walk away from the courtroom without consequence at first but I think it is the most likely explanation. I only know that when I left my client’s offices at TRG Commercial Realty on that day just over a year ago and hailed a cab I was stunned and confused when Mister Baronston, a complete stranger with a hostile face, suddenly attacked me, claiming that it was his cab and not mine.
He was bigger than me, tall and thin but strong, and I would have just given up the cab and caught the next one but he was clearly already very angry about something. When he backed me towards the alley, shoving me and then punching me around my head and neck, my backpack tumbled open and I saw my wallet and phone and some other items come crashing out onto the pavement. It was just a stupid and unnecessary altercation, the kind of thing that probably happens on the streets of this city every day, sadly. Too many people, not enough space. I did my best to fight back and protect myself but he was a good deal bigger than me.
Then I was getting punched some more and thrown against the alley wall as people passed by, disinterested, and I just instinctively reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out the pen knife that has been attached to my keychain for years. Before I really knew what was happening it was open and then my right hand was growing warm and red and slick with his blood. Then I was moving again, not looking back.
What an odd thing. I remember seeing Miss Stewart stopping there on the sidewalk to look from the mouth of the alley that day. Of all the passers-by, she was the only one who paused to look at us, at me, right as I desperately punctured Mister Baronston’s rib cage for the fifth or sixth time with my little penknife and he began to drop, but she averted her gaze after a few seconds and moved on and then I was rapidly heading in the opposite direction. This is a huge city and I never expected to see her face again. Fortunately, she was apparently never really able to see mine.
Anyway, I have more important problems to worry about at this time. Stavvy received a letter from the Manhattan DA’s office yesterday ordering him to appear at a grand jury hearing next month related to my involvement in Mister Baronston’s death. He showed it to me. More importantly, my left arm is just about gone now, my right leg is quickly starting to feel the same way and in just the last day or two I have begun feeling that strange tingling sensation in the tips of the fingers on my right hand. I know my liver is failing. It won’t be long now.
I scheduled a meeting with my lawyer in the morning to legally put the business and the rest of my assets in Stavvy’s name in my will. I have no family here anyway and almost no relatives who I remain close with back in Albania or Montenegro anymore. Stavvy is a good man and he has kids to feed and I have already lived a full life.
So yes, I will just leave it all to him and after that’s done I think I will get the old Ford minivan that we sometimes still use for the business and drive it out to the George Washington Bridge while I am still able. I know that when I stop it and get out and leave it there on the center-span I will screw up traffic badly and inconvenience a lot of people but I can’t worry about that. I have to do what I have to do. There’s no point in waiting for this to get worse. I can barely feel the fingers on my right hand and I don’t have much time left.
Maybe I should have told the truth at the trial. I don’t know. I think I was just too distracted by all of my health problems. I didn’t really have any choice at the time. I don’t have any choice now. I’m actually surprised that I lasted this long. I was certain that I would already be gone a few months ago but I feel I have done my best with this life.
As my people back in Albania say, Mos pyet si vdiq, por si rrojti!
“Do not ask how he died, but how he lived!”
THE END

Hello everyone 🤠 I just want to share this ongoing story cuz I've been trying to wrap my head around it for years now and would really appreciate the feedback. So when I was about 4 years old, I was adopted by my aunt and uncle, whom i know call my mom and dad, because I have no other living parents that I know of. And when they were in the process of adopting me, apparently they were told by multiple medical professionals and child psychologist that I was going to have trouble growing up. They told my adoptive parents to always "keep me on a routine" and stuff like that. But anyways I've had my fair share of hard times with them, mainly after I turned 13 because that is when I started having more intense mental health issues. I was in and out of hospitals amd behavioral health centers until one fateful incident where my parents refused to pick me up from the facility. From that point I went back into the Same system that I was adopted out of. I was 15 at this point . I couldn't understand and still don't understand certain things that happened during that time. I didn't understand why when I tried to cally parents they refused to speak with me, called me a monster, and told me to stay away from them when I simply wanted to know when they were gonna pick me up. I didn't understand why shortly afterwards I had to sit in a courtroom with my adoptive parents, who couldn't even look at me if say Hi to me. I thought courtrooms were only for criminals so what am I doing there, ya know? They charged my adoptive parents with child abandonment but their parental rights were never terminated because they used my own mental health issues as a defense. Basically telling the judge that the only reason they didn't want to take care of me anymore is because of the trouble they've had to go through with raising someone with so many various issues. When I did get a chance to speak with them, they told me that they put me back in system because they love me and wanted to get the right treatment for me. Now here's where the problem lies. I have spent from age 15 to age 18 going from house to house, group home to group home that whole time while they were expecting me to get "treatment." I had to face abuse, confusion, unstable housing and education all the while wondering why my parents pulled me out of the child welfare system just to put me back in it. They barely tried to see me when I was in state custody but whenever the courts or my caregivers wanted to change something, they would miraculously pop up and try to paint themselves as superior by saying "we still have our rights, that's still our kid, etc." Fast forward to when I turned 18 and I age out of traditional foster care to go into Extended foster care, namely because my parents still didn't want to take me back after all those years of separation, even after I stabilized and got on the right combination of meds. I've always struggled with determining if all the confusion and mental turmoil that I was put through was indeed an act of parental love or not. It only confuses me further when I see parents who have kids with birth defects and developmental delays, but those parents would never try to hand their kid off to the state simply because they didn't want to deal with their child. So I just don't understand any of this, even at age 22 now. Once I turned 18, my adoptive parents started to make themselves more present in my life, noticably after they found out that I was entitled to a bunch of benefits, as a result of my circumstances. Nowadays if I stand up for the feelings that I do have, or my distaste for how they deserted me when I needed them the most, my adoptive parents shut me down and call me rude and say that I don't know what I'm talking about. Even though I live about 20 miles away from them, they'll hound and harass me for favors and if I don't have anything to give them (mainly because I don't owe them anything for the trauma I've endured), then they call me rude and a horrible daughter. I'm starting to feel like I'm only as valuable to them as the things that I can contribute. When I do try to nurture some kind of bond with them, then they love me, but as soon as I stand up for myself then I'm crazy and don't know what I'm talking about, according to them. I have a goal of buying my first house soon and I want to save up money for that. My parents know about that goal but yet they still hound me for money ... Almost like they don't actually want me to be able to stand on my own two feet. For about 2 months now, I've been no contact with them because I've wanted to actually take some time to process these events and many others and the feelings associated with them, without undue influence or distraction. So if you managed to make to this point of my story I would really appreciate some perspective and a better idea of whether or not I should try to reconcile with them or just remain no contact and move on with my life, without them. All opinions are welcome. Thank you.

I think a lot of neurodivergent individuals suffer from not fitting the stereotypical mold of masculinity, and society constantly pressures them to conform. I certainly do.
For me, this pressure is clearly illustrated by Rudyard Kipling's revered poem "If—", which he dedicated to his son as a guide on how to be a man. This poem is deeply embedded in our culture. It's supposed to be empowering and inspiring.
However, when we rewrite it in the negative, it reveals the immense pressure to meet these rigid standards of manhood, highlighting how such expectations can be overwhelming for those who don't fit this traditional mold. Here's how the poem looks when flipped:
If you can't keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can't trust yourself when all men doubt you, And you give way to their doubting too; If you can't wait and are tired by waiting, Or being lied about, you deal in lies, Or being hated, you give way to hating, And can't hold back and look too good, nor wise:
If you can't dream—or let dreams be your master; If you can't think—or make thoughts your aim, If you can't meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can't bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And can't stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can't make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and can't start again at your beginnings And give way to their murmurs, you won't be a boss; If you can't force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And you break down when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can't talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, And if men’s doubts, you can't hold as such; If you can't fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is not the Earth and everything that's in it, And—you won't be a Man, my son!

I am a rising junior in highschool. I don't have diagnosed anxiety, but I do deal with it alot. I have a sister who is an incoming freshman, and my little brother is starting kindergarten. I am the oldest child, so I am expected to step up for them and I feel responsible for them a lot. they are my whole world and I don't know what I would do without them. the other day, I saw an animated clip on instagram about school shootings, and I was already bawling about something else unrelated, and this made it worse. of course, I went to the comments and saw someone recommended you watch "if anything happens I love you" saying it would cheer you up after that(they were obviously trolling) (it's basically about a family falling apart after losing their daughter in a school shooting). I was bawling my eyes out, and it spiraled into a panic attack, the first one in a while.(last one was in January after my best friend attempted sewer slide). It was hours before I felt semi normal, and almost 5am before I fell asleep. that was 2 days ago and I can't stop thinking about it. I keep thinking about what would happen if I lost my brother and sister in a shooting. I live in the United States where the number of school shootings is insane, and it could happen to any school at any time. In my mind, I keep getting images of scrolling on social media and seeing pictures of them in remembrance. I am so scared of loosing people that it's taking over my life. any advice or anything is greatly apreciated. thank you! (im so sorry for my terrible grammar.)

This may be long but bear with me. I’m looking for words of encouragement as I begin to go. I’ve already made up my mind. I have my exit plan. Reading everyone’s stories on here has resonated astoundingly. I sincerely thank every one of you on this subreddit. I stopped feeling so alone and found support through family because of this thread. Thank you.
I (25F) have been with my SO for about two years now. I fell hard. At the time his daughter was just a little over a year old. She is 3 years and some change old now. I have no kids. My SO is 39M. He is separated but not divorced. We have SD 50/50 with a biomom who cheated on my SO after a long relationship. I think they had the kid to try to save it. Whatever.
Pretty sure I was lovebombed, because nothing would prepare me for the utter disrespect I receive now. I will never date a single father so long as I live. It’s solidified how much I don’t want children. I don’t view parents poorly usually and have a good relationship with every kid I’ve encountered this far in my life… anyways.
Started out great, as all things do. Those first six months I’d never felt so much love.
Fast forward two years later. To treatment I hear time and time again in this thread since starting to lurk last winter:

1. I pay for everything. I mean it. I don’t know how or when it happened but it’s an expectation since about last summer. Groceries, clothes, toys, toiletries, books, every vacation, home repairs, gas for his car etc. I haven’t been taken to dinner since summer last year. I pay rent. I think it’s more than 50% of the mortgage.
2. I’m not “expected” to clean, but fucking hell, it’s not getting done if I don’t. I do all deep house cleaning (I hate that everything in this house is so fucking sticky all the time no matter how much I try to keep things clean, not gonna miss that). I used to love my bathroom, (in all of my condos), I hate it now. I hate that I can’t wear my clothes I want to for fear of ruining them in the day to day duck-fuckery this is.
3. I feel an insane amount of jealousy already from my SO when I disengage (nacho). Like he makes me feel so guilty if I need to work and don’t join a family function. He has one every two fucking weeks. I don’t get it. I’m expected to attend all events regarding SD/family. I have a job. I feel he resents I can just walk away.
4. He texts his ex almost constantly. Says it’s to keep the peace… right. She is constantly on his phone. I’ll be sitting beside him and he will be blatantly texting her. I’m not allowed to be bothered by this, NOPE! It’s the mother of his child. Vacations I’ve privately booked and paid for interrupted by biomom having a hypochondriac spazzfest again. Or his parents calling for the 3rd tim3 that day. I feel like such an idiot and my blood boils when I see her name. I’ve expressed it’s unhealthy for everyone involved but alas fuck my needs if I’m a SM right?
5. He’s started comparing me to his daughter. Mostly in looks. I told him I’m fucking uncomfortable with that numerous times. Behaviour continues.
6. Had successfully started isolating me. I’m super social. Lots of friends. Guess who I haven’t seen in almost a year now?! MY FRIENDS! Unless I’m being of service, as to whatever this bullshit dynamic is now the guilt trips come down hard. My hobbies don’t exist now. My mental health is suffering from that.
7. My space is not my space here. It never will be. I have to do all the boring mom shit with no gratitude and now my SD is developing anger issues on account of being shuffled around constantly by her Disney parents and their Disney families and good lord. It just makes one feel insane walking on eggshells in a place where I’m footing the bill.
8. I cannot wait till I’m gone. I tried. I fucking tried so hard. I think I tried the best I could. There’s a lot to unpack here for me. I set myself on fire for someone who can’t even enforce basic boundaries and needs constant attention and emotional support for feeling so bad the kid he’s told me he regrets numerous times has it so rough. I hate the Disney parenting style my momma did not raise me like this.

Any words of advice or any notes to get me through the next two weeks??? I have my family support and friends. But fuck is this the trickiest situation ever to explain to someone who isn’t a fucking step parent. Can you relate?
Thank you, I may update as I go.

I have thought about this before, but after talking to my Trump obsessed Aunt (a boomer), I have completely become astonished by these peoples' line of thought and wonder how they really think the world works.
For context: When Trump ran for president for the first time in 2016, my aunt was one of the very first people I knew who jumped on the Q Anon band wagon. For years, all she did was sit there and constantly vocalize her hatred for minorities, poor people, and basically anyone who wasn't just like her. To put things into perspective, she was basically the type of person who always had an entire Facebook page covered in massive rants talking about how she wanted to kill , "THE GAYS," "THE BLACKS,' 'THE MUSLIMS," and 'THE ILLEGALS." Even when the rest of the family was dealing with a tragic situations or some sort of disaster, she did absolutely nothing to help, and only used them to trumpet her hate filled ideas and beliefs.
Now fast forward to today. After years of alimenting herself from the entire family, she tried to reach out to me with an olive branch and get back on good terms. with me. Now granted that she has toned down her rhetoric and rants on Facebook, it seems she is doing better than she used to be, but she is still obsessed with the idea of Trump becoming the president again and bringing back "the good old days."
My question, how does she really expect that things are just going to go back to "the good old days" after everything she has done?
Does she really think that we are just going to forget the time that she posted a 15 paragraph long rant, where she claimed that her own daughter was an evil satanic demon for being a lesbian and she needed to be killed for it?
Does she just expect us to forget the time that she called our home phone number and left a message on our answering machine, gloating about my father getting diagnosed with cancer?
I don't think Boomers get it. Things are never going to go back to the way they used to be, and they actively played a huge part in the reason why it won't.
We can't unsee their awful behavior and actions. They can try to put on a mask, smile, and pretend to act like they used to, but after everything that they have done, there is no way we will ever be able to look at them the same way again. We will never forget.
They act like a bad neighbor who kicked your dog and then gets confused when you don't treat kindly because they thought that you would gradually just "forget about it."

So, at first, I noticed that I lost vision in my right eye. She laughed and joked about it, as if it was one of the funniest things that she had ever heard. The optometrist gave me a referral to the hospital and she didn't believe that I was truthful, so she instead, took me for a second opinion. Diring the appointment, she laughed and made jokes on the phone, texting the whole time and never even looking at me. I almost fell off the chair in the examination room, remembered that I had actually hit my head a while ago. The optometrist gave a worried expression and marked that there was nothing physically wrong with my eyes and this sparked concern and reason to see a doctor asap. He also recommended the hospital....she laughed in his face and he told her " we don't take these things lightly"....she continues to just laugh and said " she will survive" and looked at me with a smile, saying "you're your father's problem now"....my heart broke, but I reached out to my dad and he got me to a hospital asap.
Unfortunately my medical was cancelled due to an argument with my mother, months ago when I begged her over the phone for more than three hours to phone an ambulance, because my kidneys were hurting severely, causing me insane pain.....
The govt hospitals in my country are seriously risky to trust, riddled with cockroaches and filthy from top to bottom. The natives are racist towards my kind and the bathrooms are stacked with biohazards ..... nevertheless, I went to hospital and got admitted for CT scan after hours of eye tests and pain...
After this, I didn't really speak much with my mother. She sent me messages, ridiculing me for not telling her how I was feeling and what I was experiencing, saying that she had a toigh day and blaming me for not talking to her, sending me videos of my pets, that she's never done before and trying to be more intimate than usual....I left it for four days, today I finally spoke with her and told her how I felt. Told her everything from my symptoms to my Lumbar Punch, coming up...the state of this place and how she made me feel when she laughed at what could be MS or a Tumor....she never told my daughter that I was in hospital either and let her think that I was just visiting my dad, until my 6 year old had to hear it from other family members....
She then told me that it was het choice wether or not my daughter knows anything and manipulated my words into sounding as if I did not expect my daughter to care or love me if she did not know....even now, I feel a need to express that I honestly just don't think it's the kind of surprise or rather, shock you give a child....she deserves to know.
I told my mother that this is exactly why I don't talk to her and that the fact she is trying to take control over my parenting for years, has nothing to do with me, but that it's between her and God ... I blocked her number and I'm probably going to be homeless and without my child when I'm out of hospital, because my mother works for law and can manipulate a situation to suit her sick control style, to the point where my daughter used to have a home and a bunk bed and toys, now sleeps on the floor next to my mother's bed, even though I live in the same house.
When I get out from hospital, I'm not going to use the car she gave me, it's old and beaten and she lied about the budget and bought me something broken on purpose, " so she doesn't drive too far" and she istalled a tracker, live tracking me wherever I go.... I refuse to play this game... I'd rather walk ..... I'm fone with her....
I'm currently studying personal training and once I get out of here, I am literally four months away from finishing my studies, working on a cruise ship and coming home to take my child back.....she loves that I am hurt and possibly deteriorating, but I refuse to give up. If a child of 9 can do karate, connected to an oxygen tank... I can qualify as a personal trainer with MS or a tumor.....no one will stop me and nothing will sway me. Not memory loss, not motor issues, not hallucinations and dizziness. I am a warrior
I am a warrior I am a warrior I am a good parent I am a great parent My daughter believes in me I am the best mother she could ever have I will break the cycle
Believe in yourself.... You don't need them...
But the little ones need you. Break the cycle .
Apologies for spelling mistakes ... I'm struggling to read and use my hands properly. I pray for diagnosis. I will recover and become even stronger than before.

This is going to be a long post. I suggest anyone who wants to give me advice should set aside some time to read this complicated situation.
I will add my family's race because it is relevant to the situation.
My family and I are Asian.
My Boyfriend's parents are conservative Americans in the way that they want Boyfriend to be the sole earner for his future family, but I would still have the freedom to work or become a housewife. A few weeks ago, my Boyfriend has told me that his mother has been making joke disguised hints about wanting grandkids from him. Today, he has told me that his parents are urging him to propose to me soon, in around 2 months.
My Boyfriend recently has been telling me how his parents has been wanting grandkids soon, but I did not expect that they wanted it THAT soon. I really respect his parents and they consider me family. As much as I want to please them, my Boyfriend and I both agree that we are not yet ready for marriage for reasons I will detail later in the post. My initial reaction was surprised, and we went into a detailed discussion after that.

1. The reason behind the suggestion of proposal.

My Boyfriend has told me that each of his parents both want for him to get married and start a family with me soon, but they both have different reasons behind it.
My Boyfriend has half-siblings from his father's first marriage. Boyfriend is the only child of his father's second wife, and the youngest out of his siblings. The age gap between him and the youngest half-sibling is almost 10 years.
His father is on borrowed time, as he was diagnosed with an illness relating to his nerves. He has expressed that he would like to see my Boyfriend get married and have a grandchild before he passes away. Boyfriend's grandfather died before meeting the youngest half-sibling, and Boyfriend's father wishes for that situation to not happen to him before he dies.
His mother's reason is simpler. Boyfriend was his mother's only child, and misses having a child present in her life. He has summed it up as her being ready to become a loving and involved grandparent.

1. The problems behind the suggestion and our reaction.

Boyfriend and I both live with our parents. Me living with my parents is more of the woman living with family until they are married and for financial reasons, while Boyfriend's living situation is just for financial reasons.
We had a tough time midway in our traditional college education and got delayed. However, we got back up and we are working towards a different path in education. We are now both currently working in jobs that don't pay enough to live on our own while we attend college in different degrees that would eventually get us high paying jobs in the oil industry. This will take the both of us at least a year before we can start making serious money.
The problem is that we both don't have a stable career at the moment, and it will take us at least a year to start making the kind of money enough to support us until retirement.
This is a problem both of us have brought up in the discussion and agree this is the main obstacle to what his parents are asking.
His parents proposing for us to get married and have kids involves money and living space both of us don't have yet. From what boyfriend has told me, they have proposed solutions to these problems, but he believes them to be not as well thought out as they have given him a barebones version of their so-far solution.
Their solution to marriage costs is to have a backyard wedding ceremony, with each family's wedding invite being a dish for everyone to eat. To be fair, they do have a very large and nice backyard, and I have no problem with backyard weddings if done very nicely.
Their solution to the living situation/kids is to have me move into their house. Boyfriend's parents have explained that they are willing to cover housing, living, and grandkids cost, to only worry about working/education so that we can save and earn as much money as possible.

1. My reaction and my family's possible reaction.

Right now, my family knows nothing about this situation. Only me. This happened just today during an outing. The only family members I will allow on being involved in this situation to support me are my parents (47F/51M). I have a younger brother (22M), and my guess is that he would be as clueless as I am in how to navigate this. I'm not expecting much from him in this situation anyways, but I know he will be there for me when I want to let anything out to vent and seek his opinion on.
As stated in point 2, in my culture, daughters live with their family until we are married. My parents also believe that an unmarried woman should never visit a man's house/family house as they think it is improper for a woman to do so. Contrarily, they don't think it is improper for a man to visit a woman's house/family house. The point is that they have conservative views on relationships and marriage regarding me, the only daughter. For those wondering, no they do not hold these same views with my brothers.
Based on this information and point 2, I believe my parents would be against the suggestion of me getting married and moving out of the house at this point of my life. Especially my father, as he has told me in occasion on how worried he is about living life away from family and would decide if I am ready to start life away from the family or not.
Personally, I also believe that I am not ready for marriage, but from a financial standpoint. I always ask myself if my finances can support any decision I would make. In this case, no. My current job isn't enough to fund a wedding or support a child. I know his parents are the one insisting on covering all living expenses, but it would make me and my boyfriend uncomfortable for them to do that in fear of strings being attached to it and feeling ashamed in not being able to provide all of this ourselves.

1. Did I give the "correct" response to how this situation with his parents should be handled?

At the end of the discussion, I told my boyfriend to let his parents have a discussion with my parents. This is a situation that involves differing beliefs between 2 families. I believe that it warrants a discussion between my Boyfriend, I, and both sets of our parents so that there is no conflict. Boyfriend has expressed that he is unsure if this discussion would change as his father's mind, as he has told me that he is a stubborn person. He is as unsure as I am in how the whole situation would turn out.
Was this the correct move on my part? This was my initial response at the beginning of the conversation, and still is after going into a long discussion. Please feel free to share me your perspective on this situation and your advice.
I will be updating this situation in the future for further advice since; to be honest, I have no clue whether what I do next would be the most "correct" action to this situation. I would like non-biased guidance along the way. Thank you for your time.

I expected to have this posted very soon after my trip, but time got away from me! Even the prospect of writing this out is kind of daunting lol so props to all of you who post your trip reports (and I greedily read every word!). Whenever people say stuff like “this is so long, I don’t expect anyone to read this!” I’m always like “of course I’m going to read every word and love it!” But now I am the one telling you guys, this is very long and I can’t imagine who out there is going to read this lol
Thursday 5/16 - Travel Day
Flew to Naples where my friend lives. Plan was to stay two nights with her before we headed to Orlando for one “girls night” before my solo trip began.
Saturday 5/18 - Travel to Disney!
Left at 6:30am to drive to Orlando. It was her and her two girls (age 11 and 5). We had reservations for one night at Beach Club. We bounded as princesses (Tiana, Ariel, Aurora, Jasmine). We walked to Epcot at 11:30am and that short walk was INCREDIBLE. I can’t believe how close the park is!!! Beach Club is amazing for location alone! Here are the things we ate and experienced:
~~Toasted Pretzel Bread (Germany): 20/10 This was absolutely delicious and over the course of the week I think I ate it like 5-6 times lol
~~Raspberry Radler (Germany): same as above, LOVED
~~Harvested a Pearl (Japan): This was seriously THE BEST experience! We all got them put in necklaces. One of her daughters got a gray/blue pearl and it was gorgeous. Lots of attention when she showed mine bc it looked big and she kept moving it up the sizing plate. I ended up with an 8.5mm pearl! It was very exciting and lots of celebration by the workers and crowd. They said it was the largest of the day. Honestly, I recommend this to ANYONE. It was less expensive than I expected, $29 to harvest the pearl, then I think I spent $23 on a cage for it, and I chose to buy a necklace for it to wear right away and that was $26. I am 100% doing it again in September when I go back for my 40th birthday (and I told my hubby he is doing it too and will love it!)
~~Lemon Drop Shandy (The Citrus Blossom): 7/10 good! nothing exceptional, I liked the radler better
~~Cinnamon Roll Bites (Brunchcot): 6/10, I was so excited for these but they were just average. I think maybe if we had a batch that had more frosting it might have been better. They weren’t bad, just not outstanding. Loved the bacon crumbles though!
~~Guardians of the Galaxy: the only reason this is making it into the notes is bc of my Reliefband. I get motion sickness. I tried Guardians last fall (after 2 dramamine) and still had to sit for about an hour afterward to chill and not be sick. I decided to purchase a Reliefband (classic version, Amazon, $129) to try out this trip and see if it would work. I was very skeptical. But I am here to say it worked 1000000000%. I was so blown away. Absolutely ZERO feelings of motion sickness during or after the ride. Kept my eyes open the whole time (it’s the visual speed that usually gets me, screen rides get me too). I am not a big thrill ride person, so incidentally this time around I realized this isn’t the ride for me. I just don’t enjoy it that much, BUT the big deal is to find out that is my ride preference and has nothing to do with motion sickness. It was so liberating not having my motion sickness control me! Ooooo, also, I was absolutely ecstatic that I got the song I’ve always wanted!! Everybody Wants to Rule the World!
We left Epcot at 4pm and went back to the resort to check in. First of all, it’s so gorgeous there. The room was wonderful, the lobby is beautiful and smells amazing. I wish we had the money to always stay deluxe bc I get why people love deluxe resorts so much!
Dinner at Ale & Compass (Yacht Club): 7/10, again, food was decent but nothing exceptional. Actually the Parker House Rolls were 1000% worth the hype, I got the NY Strip Steak though, asked for medium rare and I think it was more medium and that ruined it a bit for me (also taste was just meh)
We spent about an hour and half swimming at Stormalong Bay after dinner. That pool is seriously incredible. I never want to experience anything but a sand bottom pool again. The. Absolute. Best.
18,525 steps
Sunday 5/19 - Girls Leave and Solo Begins
We checked out and then had a Beaches and Cream reservation at 11:30am. We shared the Bacon Ranch Totchos (7/10 tasty but too much topping for me), Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup (grilled cheese 9/10, tomato soup 6/10), aaaaand the Kitchen Sink Sundae (9/10)! Was it smart for us to get this with only two adult women and two children? Probably not. But boy was it fun and delicious and we put way more of a dent in it than I thought we would lol. A little siren goes off in the restaurant when one is brought to a table and there is a back and forth with kitchen staff and customers (they say something about a “whole can of whipped cream” and customers answer back as a group) and it was a very fun vibe! In fact that is one of the reasons I rate it a 9/10 haha, bc I think there is just too much whipped cream and a lot of the ice cream is just buried.
We swam at Stormalong bay for 2 more hours before they dropped me off at All-Star Movies and they headed home to Naples.
Magic Kingdom (solo)
I got into my room at All-Star Movies (Love Bug building 6) and tbh I didn’t mind its distance to the bus stop, maybe bc it was just me, but I didn’t have a problem with it, I thought the walk was quick enough. I was in Magic Kingdom by 5:30pm.
6pm PeopleMover (walk on) 5 min posted
6:30pm Pirates of the Caribbean (walk on) 10 min posted
6:45pm Thunder Mountain (10 min) 15 min posted
7:10pm Enchanted Tiki Room (10 min) 15 min posted
7:40pm Haunted Mansion (20 min) 20 min posted
8:25pm Got the Sweet and Spicy Chicken Waffle sandwich at Sleepy Hollow: 7/10, the taste was great, I don’t like spicy stuff but this wasn’t too spicy. The only con is that the bottom of the waffle was kind of soggy and I didn’t really eat that part.
8:55pm in spot for HEA
9:40pm Peter Pan’s Flight (25 min) 10 min posted
Spent a lot of time in gift shops and doing photopass on my way out of park
11:10pm On bus back to resort
19,626 steps
Monday 5/20 - Animal Kingdom
6:45am On the bus to AK
7:22am Scanned into the park
7:32am Nav’i River Journey (6 min) 10 min posted
8:05am Kilimanjaro Safari (18 min) 25 min posted, was off the safari at 8:45am
9:05am Pongu Pongu - tried the Pongu Lumpia! I know this snack is controversial, it seemed like it was up my alley, but others have said the same and didn’t end up liking it so I was expecting to ultimately dislike it. I enjoyed it! 8/10 would eat again!
9:15am Gorilla Falls Trek, walked for 20 mins
9:45am It’s Tough to be a Bug - this was my first time, honestly, I think I have read articles and seen so many vlogs calling it startling and scary that I think I was expecting the worst so much that it wasn't….that….bad? I didn’t mind it? (side note: the ONLY time this entire trip that I wore tennis shoes was the morning of Animal Kingdom. My feet were hurting by the time I went into this show, so while it was going on I switched to my flip flops and my feet took a complete 180 degrees. I wore flip flops the rest of the trip and had zero issues with sore feet. I guess I’m just a flip flop girly???)
10:15am Feathered Friends in Flight - was actually heading to 11am Lion King but a CM I passed was announcing to people that the bird show was starting at 10:30 so I decided to detour there. It was great!
11:00am Maharajah Jungle Trek, walked for 20 mins, this was the most beautiful trail for me, absolutely lovely!
11:30am Eight Spoon Cafe - got the BBQ pork MacnCheese, found a spot to sit down by Drinkwallah and that is my go-to spot now. It is shaded and the carved tables and chairs are so pretty. I really like that little (hidden?) sit-down area!
12:00pm Discovery Trails, walked for 10 mins, then looked around shops in Discovery Island and Asia
12:50pm Rafiki’s Planet Watch (5 min) I did not get off the train, at this point I needed a break but I did not want to go back to resort, so I sat on the Wildlife Train and drank lots of water, I went around the circuit twice, got off at 1:30pm
1:45pm Festival of the Lion King, got in line for 2pm show, this was my first time…it BLEW MY MIND, absolutely loooooooved this. So so much. It was wonderful!
3:00pm Dinosaur (5 min) 15 min posted - first time! Honestly, I have heard so many disparaging comments about this ride I expected it to be terrifying, painful and just not fun. Again, I had an opposite experience! I love dinosaur movies (like Jurassic park) so I really enjoyed this one. I hope it is still there to ride when I am back in the fall!
3:30pm Nomad Lounge (added myself to waitlist on app, there was no “wait” got the text pretty much immediately) This was such an important break out of the heat. I spent an hour here to recharge. I drank a lot of water, had a delicious cocktail Lamu Libation 10/10, Ahi Tuna Poke Bowl 8/10, and Churros 10/10. I was able to charge my phone in an outlet at the bar. It was the perfect break!
5:00pm Left AK and headed back to resort
7:20pm Scanned into Hollywood Studios, walked around, looked through gift shops
8:20pm Catalina Eddie’s: got the Toffee and Coconut Blondie to take with me into Fantasmic! You guys…this is an absolute favorite of mine! My friend got it at NYE and forced me to try it (I didn’t want to bc I am not a coconut fan) but I fell in LOVE. Definitely a 20/10. I was so excited to get it again this trip. If you don’t love coconut, I find it very mild, you should definitely give it a shot.
9:00pm Fantasmic!
10:00pm Got on the bus to All-Star Sports instead of Movies bc in the gift shop at my resort the worker had told me I could find the pin I was looking for at the Sports gift shop. It was the 30 yr Anniversary pin of All-Star Resorts. I bought that and walked all the way back to my building, was back by 10:30pm
31,437 steps
Tuesday 5/21 - EPCOT
10:00am Scanned in at Epcot - kind of embarrassing…I was “that person” to hold everyone up. The past two days I did not need a park reservation, so I didn’t even think anything of it, but they told me one was required this day and he was setting one up for me on his ipad but then it kept erroring out, I felt TERRIBLE.
10:25am - Living with the Land (5 min) 5 min posted
10:50am - Nemo and Friends (15 min) 15 min posted
11:15am - Journey of Water walkthrough
11:40am - bought the Spike’s Pollination Exploration Scavenger hunt, it was nice bc it was 30% off with the rest of the F&G merch and I got my 20% discount on it. I mean it was only $10 regular price but I was still pretty happy lol
11:50am - got food!!! Toasted Pretzel Bread and Raspberry Radler (Germany) still 20/10, Frushi (Japan) 8/10, Fruit Punch Ale (America) 8/10 good but I would get the radler over this every time
1:00pm Frozen (40 min) 60 min posted, I got splashed a lot more than normal this time for some reason! Sat next to a girl who was videoing on a go-pro, asked if she was a vlogger but she said no and then we chatted for a min about our love of Disney vlogs, it was nice!
2:10pm Kringla Bakeri - Viking Coffee, 9/10 excellent!
2:30pm The Honey Bee-stro - Liquid Nitro Honey-Mascarpone Cheesecake, 10/10 LOVED, the cheesecake was smooth and creamy (even while “frozen”) and the tart blueberry compote that comes with it is a perfect pairing. Plus I was able to Pixie Dust someone here! There was a young girl in line in front of me by herself, she was maybe 13? Anyway she was trying to scan her magic band for payment and the CM told her the band was not authorized to be used for payment, she seemed a bit surprised and embarrassed and I stepped in and started scanning my magic band. It was honestly only $6.50. She tried to tell me no and that she would go get her mom, but I just overrode her and said “It’s Disney! Let me!” with a smile. We were both at the window to pick up our items together and when she got hers she unexpectedly leaned in and gave me a hug and thanked me again. I was so surprised and heartwarmed (and also felt bad that I was kinda sweaty lol). But anyway it was a wonderful moment!
2:45pm Bought the Spaceship Earth cookie jar that I have been wanting so badly! I got it with my gift card I got for “mothers day” from our pets :D
2:55pm Spaceship Earth (walk on) 5 min posted
4:00pm Bus back to resort for a break and shower bc it was a very hot day!
6:40pm Scanned back into EPCOT
6:45pm Spaceship Earth (walk on) 5 min posted
Walked around to find Spike for scavenger hunt
7:35pm Toasted Pretzel Bread and Raspberry Radler (again! lol)
8:00pm watched Garden Rocks concert
More Spike hunting!
9:00pm Luminous
9:10pm Started heading out of park
This was my toughest day of my whole solo trip for several reasons. 1) I don’t think I did enough sit down things, I was on my feet a ton 2) I was not being “park smart”. Epcot is huge enough in the first place but I was not navigating the park in an efficient way and ended up walking WAY more than I should have. Around 7:30-8pm I started to feel something pulled in my leg (after googling later maybe a mild issue with adductor tendon?) it was high up in my inner thigh, I decided to leave the park only 10 mins after Luminous started bc I really wanted to not push myself, the next day was going to be my Magic Kingdom day and that is my favorite park and would likely be a long day and I just didn’t want to ruin it.
29,183 steps
Wednesday 5/22 - Hollywood Studios (not Magic Kingdom!)
Woke up before 7am and decided to pivot on my plans bc of my leg. I decided to stay in the resort room until midday to rest my leg, and due to that decision I switched my park day from MK to HS. I figured if I was going to be in a park for less hours of the day I would rather sacrifice time in Hollywood Studios than Magic Kingdom. I bought Genie+ and bought an ILL for Rise of the Resistance for 1:40pm. This ended up being THE BEST decision I could have made. By the time I left my room, my leg was feeling 100% better and I did not have any issues with it for the rest of the trip!
1:15pm Scanned into Hollywood Studios
1:30pm Frozen Sing Along - I love this fricken show, I always want to see it every time I go to HS, I could watch it a million times, I am always impressed by the Arendelle Historians bc they are so funny, and while they will make jokes in a similar vein, they still have so much variety that you don’t see the same jokes when you watch shows with different historians. A++, this will always be one of my faves.
2:15pm Rise of the Resistance ILL - full A mode, also…bc I was wearing my Reliefband I was able to keep my eyes open during the drop with the simulation of flying through space. It was great!!!
3:00pm Smuggler's Run (G+) - okaayyyyyy, I have never been on this (due to motion sickness fears) but I decided to take the plunge. I got all the way to sitting in the seat and tbh I was terrified. I was by myself, I didn’t know exactly what to expect and I was not so much scared that I would be sick, I was confident in the Reliefband, but I was worried I would hate the simulated feeling of flying. That kinda freaks me out. So then, the ride doesn’t actually start and they tell us that a CM will be in to let us out bc it has malfunctioned and we will be given a LL back. I was quite literally SO RELIEVED. I will try that ride, but in September when I am with my husband!
3:30pm Woody’s Lunchbox - Adult Lemonade 10/10 and Raspberry Lunchbox Tart 7/10. I ended up getting two more Adult Lemonades throughout the night bc I thought they were delicious!! The tart was fine, it tasted “good” but nothing unique or outstanding.
4:00pm Beauty and the Beast Live
4:35pm Mickey and Minnie’s Runaway Railway (G+)
5:15pm Toy Story Mania (G+)
6:00pm Baseline Taphouse - Charcuterie Board 9/10 and Blood Orange Hard Cider 7/10
6:30pm Frozen Sing Along - I am not kidding about how much I like this show lol
7:10pm Mickey and Minnie’s Runaway Railway (40 mins) 45 min posted
8:20pm Rise of the Resistance (used the anytime pass I got for Smuggler Run going down) this time around we ended up having to walk down a hallway bc there was a technical difficulty with the 2nd pre show (where you enter the craft and get pulled in by the first order) we skipped that part and walked down a hallway straight into the storm trooper room. Everything else worked except for Finn.
8:45pm Ran my ass through Toy Story land (picked up an Adult Lemonade!) and hightailed it to Fantasmic! This ended up being a very good lesson for me. Getting to Fantasmic! just as it was starting was NOT a good idea. I was in the bleachers in the last section at the top, like with the walkway in front of you. You can hardly see anything back there. I will not make this mistake again. I left just as the floats started bc I could not even see them at all.
Browsed a lot of gift shops!
10:20pm Got on bus back to resort
I go back and forth on whether G+ was worth it today. Ultimately, I side on yes bc I didn’t even get to the park until 1pm, got to walk the park a ton, I did the most photopass spots here than I did on any other day, so Genie+ allowing me to just hop on 3 rides with no wait gave me the time to do all of that (and watch Frozen twice and B&B show), and I had the time to wait for Runaway Railway standby again. Also, bc the Smugglers Run malfunction allowed me to use a “LL” on Rise again, that alone made it worth it!
20,264 steps
Thursday 5/23 - Magic Kingdom
Wooooohoooo! My favorite park! I decided to get G+ today and get an ILL for Seven Dwarfs Mine Train for 7:40pm
9:10 Scanned into MK
9:25am Thunder Mountain (walk on) 10 min posted, this ride has never gotten to me in the past (motion sickness) but I was in the second to last cart and that made this ride feel faster and “dippier” and I did not care for it lol
9:40am Westward Ho - Crispy Chicken/egg/pepper jack breakfast biscuit, 9/10 would get again!
9:55am Pirates of the Caribbean (10 min) 15 min posted
10:25am Enchanted Tiki Room (walk on, got there just as they were ushering people in)
10:45am Enchanted Tales with Belle (12 min) 20 min posted
11:20am Little Mermaid (G+)
11:35am Mickey’s Philharmagic (10 min) 15 min posted
12:20 Carousel (15 min) 5 min posted - tbh this one pissed me off lol, bc I would have never gone on it had I realized I would wait 15 mins, 5 mins was a cruel trick haha
12:50pm Winnie the Pooh (G+)
1:05pm it’s a small world (G+)
1:35pm PeopleMover (8 min) 15 min posted
2:05pm Buzz Lightyear Space Ranger Spin (G+) - I didn’t remember thinking this ride was this hard! But after having just done Toy Story Mania the day before, I did not find this one to be as easy to “play”, I prefer Toy Story Mania!
2:20pm Monsters Inc Laugh Floor (17 min) 10 min posted
3:05 Peter Pan’s Flight (G+)
3:25pm Pecos Bills - slugged some water, had a coke (12/10 refreshing!) and nachos (4/10, I did not remember these being so spicy, I mean I don’t like spice so I am probably a wimp saying this but I did not enjoy these bc of the spiciness, will not get again)
4:00pm Stopped in Columbia Harbour house which was not too busy and found an empty table next to an outlet to charge my phone
4:45pm Haunted Mansion (G+)
Walked to First Aid station for Tylenol (headache)
5:20pm Pirates of the Caribbean (G+)
5:50pm Sunshine Tree Terrace - I tried the I Lava You Float, and I was sure it was going to be too sweet even though I have read many people’s reviews who loved it. I LAVA THIS FLOAT! 10/10 very much looking forward to getting again in fall!
6:05 WDW Train (Frontierland) (6 min) 10 min posted - I felt like chilling for a bit again so I did a full circuit and then went on to Fantasyland
7:05 Mickey’s Philharmagic (5 min) 10 min posted
7:35pm Seven Dwarfs Mine Train ILL - felt the same way about this one as BTM earlier, I was in one of the last carts (row 8) and it felt faster and dippier than in the past, no thanks!
8:10pm PeopleMover (20 min) 5 min posted - this should have been a walk on, but the ride went down as I was in line, I kept debating back and forth about leaving the line and coming back, but I just kept sticking it out a few more mins and a few more mins. Some people in line behind me were speculating if someone had puked on the ride bc of the workers going up. Not sure, doesn’t really matter, PeopleMover is the BEST at night!
8:50pm Seven Dwarfs Mine Train (35 min) 35 min posted - Listen, I wasn’t expecting to be on this ride during HEA, I was just trying to hop in line while everyone was waiting for fireworks bc the wait would be shorter, but the fact that I actually got on it in perfect timing to see fireworks?! Let me just say it is just as cool as everyone says it is! Also, they put me in row 8 again, grrrrr, is that the designated solo rider lane?
9:30pm TRON - I tried getting a boarding group at 7am and didn’t get in. So then my plan was to get in at 1pm but I totallyyyyyyy forgot about it and I remembered at 1:55pm and I was like “crap! I guess I will see if I can still buy an ILL”. I was about to do that and then I thought to myself, “maybe I should just see if the VQ is still open?” AND IT WAS! So I literally got a boarding group at 2pm, an hour after the VQ started, I was shocked and thrilled when I got one! Plus TRON is always so gorgeous at night. I actually have yet to ride it in the day lol And LISTEN, I get that most people prefer Guardians to TRON, I really do get it. BUT bc I am not that much of a thrill ride person, I like easier going coasters. I seriously love TRON so much. It is such a horizontal coaster that it’s like my ideal. You get the thrill from it being fast and a little dippy, but nothing crazy. It’s a fave for me!!!
10:30pm Casey’s Corner - French fries and coke, both 10/10 refreshing and needed the pick me up!
10:45pm Main Street Confectionary - It was on my to-do list to get the popcorn mix from here. I chose Butter Popcorn, dark chocolate sauce, pretzel pieces and snickers. 10/10 definitely recommend. Will be getting a mix again in September!
11:10pm Got on bus back to resort
Friday 5/24 - Bonus Day?!
This was supposed to be my travel day back home. My flight was set to leave at 5pm, but in the morning my husband told me about storms in the midwest and I got an email from the airline about “adverse weather conditions”, so I called and changed my flight to the next day at 7am. (It ended up being the right choice bc my original 5pm flight out of MCO was delayed multiple times until it was finally canceled at like 10:30pm) I was thankfully able to book another night at All-Star Movies and could stay in my same room. I quickly formed the plan to go back to Animal Kingdom to see Festival of the Lion King again bc I had enjoyed it so much earlier in the week and then go to EPCOT to finish the final 4 Spikes that I had not located yet for the scavenger hunt!
11:00am Scanned in at Animal Kingdom
11:50am Mr. Kamal’s - got the Chicken Dumplings that were on my list to try but I did not get the chance to on Monday, also went back to my favorite spot by Drinkwallah, the dumplings were like a 6/10. Idk just pretty average for a potsticker that you can get anywhere, I probably would not get them again
12:15pm walked around Dinoland to really soak it in just in case next time I come it is walled off!
1:pm Festival of the Lion King - man, this is just fantastic! Be Prepared is my favorite villain song and I get so pumped when they do that part!
1:50pm Satu’li Canteen - got the wood-grilled chicken protein bowl, with rice and black beans and the creamy herb sauce. Literally OH MY GOD, this was so flipping good! 20/10!!! Best thing I ate hands-down all week. I wasn’t sure I would eat the slaw in the bowl but that was delicious, the creamy herb sauce was amazing and those little boba balls that add the citrus burst?!?! So so good. I have already altered our plans for September to include two meals here so I can get this bowl twice next time lol
2:45pm Took bus back to Resort
5:30pm Scanned in at EPCOT
5:55pm Living with the Land (walkon) 10 min posted
6:15pm Awesome Planet (walkon, went into theater immediately and show started) This was my first time checking this out, I really enjoyed it! I will def watch again especially in the heat of the day when I just need to sit somewhere cool for a bit!
6:45pm Found Spike (1 of 4 left) by the Butterly Landing!
7:00pm Found Spike (2 of 4 left) in France
7:10pm Checked out the Annual Passholder lounge in Restaurant Marrakesh
7:35pm Gran Fiesta Tour (walk on) 5 min posted
7:50pm Found Spike (3 of 4 left) in Mexico
8:00pm Got another Toasted Pretzel Bread and Raspberry Radler from Germany (dont judge! lol)
8:10pm watched Lit at Garden Rocks concert (who doesn’t love “My own worst enemy”!?!?!?)
8:35pm Found final Spike in Japan!!! - this one was my ultimate nemesis. I had searched Japan on Tuesday, I had searched Japan (twice?) earlier on this day and I was all set to give up bc I couldn’t find the Kokedama garden. I just hadn’t looked up the stone path to the left of Japan. Finally saw it when it was dark out and got my final Spike!!!
8:50pm Journey of Water walkthrough (always better at night!)
9:05pm Shoutout to the photopass guy who I stopped by on my way out of the park, those were the most awkward poses I have ever done in front of spaceship earth but you tried your best and the photos make me laugh every time I see them!
29,941 steps
Overall Thoughts
10/10 Amazing Trip. I found out about people going on solo trips here on reddit late last year and I was immediately certain I had to book one. While I can be a very social person, I am also a loner in the fact that I do enjoy spending time in my own company (not everybody does) so I knew a solo trip was right up my alley. It was everything I hoped for and more. I didn’t have to consult anyone else, I could do what I want, when I want. Also, (not to brag….shhhhhh…I’m not bragging I swear) but I am not a complainer. The heat usually doesn’t affect me too much, I have a good amount of endurance so I get tired of course but it takes a lot. I’m pretty unflappable because I’m just happy to BE AT Disney World. Others I’ve gone with are not like this so much lol so it was nice to just be in my own company in the sense that I was always in a positive mood and didn’t have anyone dimming that? If that makes sense?
Safety
I am a petite woman. I am 4’10” and 118lbs so I am very aware of my size in terms of my safety. I can honestly say though that I felt safe throughout the whole trip. The one time that I got off the bus at All-Star Sports at 10pm to go to the gift shop and then walked all the way to Movies, that did worry me a bit but only as I was walking through the parking lot sections.
And I did get the crap scared out of me at the resort due to the requirement of a “visual check”. I had not ever heard of this, but I was in my room for a midday break and I had a knock at my door by housekeeping. I thought it was odd bc I had my “room occupied” sign out the whole time bc I didn’t feel the need for housekeeping, it was just me in the room. I said “no thank you” and they knocked and announced housekeeping again. I said “no thank you” louder. (internally I was thinking, can they not hear me through the door????) and they did it again! I finally went closer to the door and I heard the person mumble something about a “visual check” and I very sternly and loudly said “no!” bc I didn’t know what the heck they were talking about. I peeked through the curtain at my window and watched the guy walk past holding a phone in his hand. I think he was wearing a uniform shirt but I couldn’t totally tell. I decided to call the resort in the event this was someone trying to pose as housekeeping staff. They ended up relieving my fears by telling me it was legitimate. Apparently, you have to have your room checked at some point in your stay (I was staying 5 nights) if you choose not to get housekeeping. He explained this has to do with the Pulse Nightclub shooting. I guess they had stockpiled guns in their hotel room and kept not letting housekeeping in. He explained that is why they do the visual check, for the safety of all resort guests. I was 100% supportive once he told me that and I felt bad for yelling at the guy. But also, I am a solo woman and I had no idea what the hell was going on, and to be completely frank, I had just showered so I was in a tshirt and underwear which made me feel even more vulnerable bc I was not fully dressed! I was not letting that person in my room. The guy on the phone totally understood that and apologized for alarming me. I told him to have the guy come back and do the visual check. I apologized to him when he came in. He was in my room for all of 10 seconds and that was it. But it was certainly a crazy ordeal!
Walking
I was doing 20-30k steps each day and other than hurting my leg on Tuesday I was honestly fine. I had shin splints too but again, they weren’t terrible and by Thursday they were gone. I brought tennis shoes and flip flops intending to switch on and off throughout the week in order to prevent my feet from getting sore but that never happened. I spent 3 hours in the shoes on Monday before my feet started hurting and I never wore them again. I had 2 different pairs of flip flops the whole time. I guess that is what my feet like!
Backpack vs Loungefly
I typically wear a normal size backpack to the parks, but also I can usually share wearing it with my husband. I didn’t really consider how hard it would be to wear a backpack alllllllll day long. And it wasn’t even heavy, I didn’t put much in it at all, but still it wore on my shoulders and made them sore. On Wednesday I ended up getting a Loungefly even though they have never really been my thing. It honestly ended up being perfect. It felt different on my shoulders and I wasn’t getting sore like I was with a regular size backpack.
Waiting in Lines
I have often read that one of the things that bothers solo travelers the most is waiting in lines by themselves bc it’s boring and they have no one to keep them company. I thought I might feel this way too but waiting in lines was not bad at all to me. It’s so easy to be on your phone that whole time. I was looking at my photopass photos, browsing reddit, and inputting trip notes. I felt like waiting in line was not a hardship for me as a solo traveler.
Photopasses
This trip exceeded my expectations with photopasses! The number of photos each photographer took and the variety of positions and magic shots was awesome. I am assuming part of that is because I was solo? I am not sure but I just felt like the quantity and time spent at each photopass location was better than normal. Special shout out to Hollywood Studios, that day in particular was just awesome. Every photographer was awesome, but especially the ones in Galaxy’s Edge. I was having such an amazing time getting them!
Total Photopasses each day:
MK - 6 photopass spots
AK - 2 photopass spots
Epcot - 3 photopass spots
HS - 7 photopass spots
MK - 6 photopass spots
AK and EPCOT - 7 photopass spots
I can’t wait to do it all again in September with my husband!

Hey yall! I’m new to this subreddit and not very grammatically literate at times lol. Anyways let’s get into it! I come from a single indigenous woman who has suffered inter generational trauma from residential schools and domestic violence. When I was young she would always tell me things like “you look just like your dad that’s why I like your sister better” or would comment on how I would act just like my dad. She would always spoil my older sister too because she looks like my older half sister who passed away before I was born. My sister being a young impressionable kid realized that our mom would favour her over me especially when she would say untrue things about me misbehaving. So my sister would tell her I hit her or stole things from her which would result in me getting slapped spanked or getting objects thrown at me. My mom and dad were divorced and it was pretty much the same situation with my father believing my sister and also being violent with me. Growing up was super hard and resulted in schooling becoming very difficult for me and I’ve been dealing with mental health issues since childhood. I was even on medication for stress ulcers when I was 9 because all of the stress from home. Later on in my teen years the golden child (my sister) would constantly verbally berate me saying a million different horrible things about me. When I would retaliate and tell her to F off or give her the same treatment back it would end up in my mother calling me horrible names inflicting violence on me. Getting slapped things thrown at me pushed shoved or any number of other things was normal to me. I had really believed that I was wrong for being born. Being told by my father that I was “built for the pain, no one else would be able to take it but you, daughter.” After several years of unhealthy coping and putting myself in terrible situations due to lack of care for my own life I met the love of my life. We have a wonderful son and another baby on the way! I recently brought up to my mother and my sister what they had put me through when they were making digs at me for being “a shitty bitchy horrible selfish person to be around.” My sister was pissed and screamed that it wasn’t true and I just had to have everything, like lots of friends. Or lots of boyfriends over the years (I only had one at a time lol.) and how I would never do anything for family. That hurt because since I was first dating my partner he helped me completely switch my life around. We only got better when we found out our son was on the way. Anyways back to the story. My mom was shocked I brought it up (she had been drinking.) she was quiet at first saying she was sorry but she never remembered putting me through any of that. She said she believed me and that she was sorry. I was like ok, which really irritated her. She kept apologizing over and over getting more hostile expecting me to forgive her. She even asked what she could do to make it right. I told her honestly you can’t, I said that she made those decisions even tho she might not like them now she has to live with what she did. I told her it’s not my job to forgive her or find a way for her to “make it right.” I was a child all I wanted was love, and said that I’ll never get to relive that and have a happy childhood it’s gone I’m an adult now. There’s no way to make it right. She was angry and sad and said “I’m sorry for being a bitch! I’m sorry for being such a shitty fucking mom. I’m sorry I’ll never be good enough for you I never was. I should just die !” I left I was devastated that she would still act like this. I don’t want her having contact with my son. I just don’t understand how someone could be so cruel to their own child. I love my son and my unborn baby and couldn’t fathom being a bad mom to them. I’m thinking of going to counselling or therapy of some sorts to make sure I can be the best mom and partner for my family possible. So Reddit AITA for not forgiving my mom? Also sorry for the long post it all just kinda felt like word vomit, my emotions have been sorta everywhere lately being 5 months pregnant.

I feel physically sick. My daughter is not even 6 months old yet and I have just found out I am pregnant. My husband and I were taking on the “if it happens, it happens” approach, however didn’t actually expect it to happen this fast!! I thought I would be thrilled, but I’m absolutely terrified. I love love being a mum but I have gone down the Google trap and can see now I’m at high risk for preterm labour. I had an uncomplicated vaginal birth the first time around and now I’m worried I won’t be able to have the birth I want. Im feeling guilty for potentially putting my future baby at risk and worried that we made a selfish decision. Im also worried my oldest will come to resent me for having another baby so close and taking away the attention. However, what daunts me the most is telling people and the judgement that will come. Has anyone had such a close age gap? Any advice?