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Not shared, nor my shade; but something to be weaved; just as the measure of disappointment became it's own solution. But I talked my way through things forbidden, just to find myself blind in bed with those who are dead. Clumsy, but altogether natural of course, because it's consciousness what you refer in the description, yet that's what we don't get a lot about. See your deeds the way you are seen, and then return to a restless place: and the question in-between sheets will be why. Well, I just can't motivate myself to work without hot bitches staring. And that's the truth. Sad but True
— Hearfelt comment for an instagram witch.
Del desprecio a ese descarte, no he visto muchas cosas. Así se pasa una más para las cuentas, y aquí otro más para los versos, por qué aquí no hemos sido vistos. Cuánto más querría uno, que sino lo cuentas ni mucho menos piensas: << lo de este pibe que cosa más horrible>>, haciendo eso lamentable, por qué en decirlo nadie ha mentido. ¡Es horrible! Que cara es entonces la cuenta de lo que le sale a uno vivir sin más complejos; mejor seria cobrarmelo, para así saber que de algo ha valido. Bloqueame.
— Heartfelt comment for a random supermodel-to-be.
The Spirit of Fire
Flames begone, flames in spite: their warmth I felt - so I closed my fist until I could feel the warmth of my blood in my hand. And in dreams Fire came up to me and said: who am I? And I said unto him: you are bound to my bidding, thus your name misery will be. But fire wretched as he was, got closer and asked: and who are you?
And I said unto him that the blood of David ran through my veins, as I was his heir; for the mother of God claim me from death as a son. So Fire tried me, and figured it out.
You are son of woman —said Fire unto me— but as Fire acknowledged the name, I extended my left hand, and took Fire by the neck throwing him into the gound. — You are going to lace yourself to the right hand of the beast, and you'll keep him steady, so I can cleanly take him down. And Fire stayed down, and with his forehead kissing the ground asked unto me —why would the heir of David do so to earthly man?
And I said unto Fire that the beast from the abyss had left no mother for God, so I was to leave none of his body left for his head; as I was going to make it bleed until the end of the end of times.
The Spirit of Earth
Shapeless and without body, but keen within her many numbers, Earth came up to me in dreams, and said: who am I? And posessed in spirit as I was, I said unto her, that God had made her maiden again, and that she shall become the coins that Judas never received, which were to become the due payment of man and women for the body of Christ. Then I extended my right hand, and grabbed Earth by her hair —which descended deep into the abysses of hell— and cut it short so the demons of Lilith would no longer had her gripped by her back.
You are now a woman, and I'm going to rise you from the grounds. You'll lace yourself to the left hand of the beast, and keep it steady so with one shot I can cleanly take him down.
The Spirit of Air
A dream shaped by written words, whispered down for years by the currents of this Montain, and it's requiem witnessed but by a few — the end of dreams. But from where I standed at the peak, I called upon the distant currents that went down, and asked them: who am I?
And Air came unto me as bird, which had thousands of letters for feathers, and in the tongue of dead men answered.
"Somebody who only a few will remember by strange deeds; as the burden on your back, is a past tainted by impossible dreams. You were a lunatic giving new names to folk, and folk never bothered to remember —so your name must be freak, as you died in a forgotten shack some short time ago."
And as Air said these things upon me, I called Misery —as I had dubbed Fire — and told him to get inside my shot. The burden as Air had said, became lesser as i took the shot from my quiver. And I said upon Misery; that he was to set ablaze this arrow, as I was taking down the bird of Britain, and that I would do so, so God would give the deeds of Earth some better names.
The Lord is making a bridge between the empire of strength, and the last empire of men. Now by God's grace, I'm making the tongue of free men, the tongue of Spain. You will be eventually bound to my bidding, and if not me, it will be to the one I'm preceding; for I'm giving you twenty years to attone your wrongdoing. Alas, now because of your wretchedness, my shot on earthly men won't be clean, for his left leg won't stay steady.
Your old name was apathy, now I'm calling you Cisma, which in the tongue of dead men means schism. So now by the will of God lay unto the ground and say the words you've been teached. And as the arrow blazed forward, it's bending motion pierced the veil hiding the secret ladder of men. The bird of Britain catched on Fire, and it's hollering resounded throught the ladders of the mountain until the depths of the abyss. A column of air turned into fire, then violenty erupted from the vowels of the bird, and the wild fire spread as a storm from west to east all throughout the five kingdoms of men away from its own fiery wings, with a gift of misery and a few words to say.
"The name of your woman or the name of your man, will no longer explain their purpose to a man, a woman, or God. Charred words written by thunder will now be the new ladder of men — but until then, darkness upon thee."
But the feathers of old words, layed on the ground, for common folk now knew by the light of the storm their meanings — and horrified, they waged war on each other, killing each other, and seeking revenge on each other. Thus the bird of Britain dragged further into the ground, screaming and flapping
The House of Water
I head into the coasts, and the beautiful beaches in-between, to find the stranger who burns images in the skin of men. He is the stranger, and has adopted the body of a monster, and he is one who cannot be understood, so he went on to only go out home in stunts, for the burdens in his heart have become too great to bear. Through terrible pains he has given all he once was for an identity, and as I pick up on his past, i found familiarity in the feelings of his heart. Oh dear friend how we found looking in sadness to ourselves, after doing same but with different means, carrying into our shoulders the loneliness of this world. As you have in-skin the garments of the strange doctrine that I preach — I shall congrate you, for you truly have fought the world entire, for my doctrine is the words of those who shall defeat the world entire.
I may not have your strangeness in-body, but I have it in these words, and in the true feelings of my heart. And I say in admiration that there's no higher form of art, philosophy or religion: than those who perform the highest thing they can give a name about.
Now even within solitude, and at odds with what old dead men call God, I see you and I found strength in you, as I can see you are within me, and in that, you are within everything as it should be - as is meant in everyone who does something that touches the heart of another man. I call this the kingdom of God. Yet blind men and women will wonder how can the kingdom of God possibly be within two outcasts such as you and me.
Upong giving my regards and waiting for response, I found my way into a bench. It was a warm afternoon, and the wind carried the water of the sea. The bird of Britain came about down from the wind of north, and layed on the bench were I was sitting.
The bird asked: why hast thou become this?
And I said back to bird, scorched he was and nearing death, that it was me someone who was supposed to give names, yet for years I couldn't figure out one for myself. Then on went to being given a name, Alas all the wrong ones. Did Adan gave himself a name? - I asked the bird back. And there was no response from bird. Then I continued.
A man has the essence of his soul retained by what he is seen doing. Yet I did things nobody saw, so my soul wasn't with God but with something just as ancient, and nonetheless unknown by men in its true nature — then Satan as the better known devil, came about and pushed me into a hole. It was my own doing. Yet the things I did, I thought were seen. But nonetheless what I did was without contemplation on a posible return. Just as somebody who prints an image on their own skin. It's permanent. This is the essence of a memory in the soul of the man who's seen by others. But in the familiarity of a man who picked every irreversible decision like the Alien, I find myself feeling sympathy, for the man is still not what he has been seen doing, he shall redeem himself by what he decides to turn himself into.
Is this a way of saying that you want to get yourself a tattoo? Get a new look? - the bird mockingly asked.
And I gave the scorched bird no answer.
Then the bird said unto me: what about your career as a prophet, uh? And the things you said about returning with substance? Do you actually think this is substance?
And i considered what the Bird said, then I negated with a movement of my own head. It is not i answered, but i find the memories of me not making sense unbearable. For those mean the memories of a fool, un pendejo, an insane person, or both. And I will always try to amend what I don't do well. But now I wish for only one thing, and it is to be remembered as someone who makes sense, and who out of that sense, made good upon the world. I don't expect anything in return for what I do now, as it is merely an outlet to keep me sane while I finish editing my work. It's clear I'm too incompetent to be a competent influencer. As for once, I don't care about influencing anyone into what I think; but to perform what I think it's important.
Then every proverbial student is free to take classes so as they see fit, and to interpret such classes as their comprehension gives them grasp of what it's said. In such regard, this is what I offer now, while I make the journey to Madrid. And the bird tilted it's head so as to observe me with his left eye, then after a long impasse, it made a loud and painful caw, and finally flew away. Soon after the bird flew, I looked upon the stars in the nascent night, and confessed to them, that it was the memories of who we were, what often stumps us into wrong beliefs of who we should be, maybe even wasting an entire lifetime retained by that which other people remembered us as being. But we are not the owners of our own names, the place we go, and our destiny. That's the biggest lie the western world of hollywood heros tell you, as in truth is collective agreement what determines what we look like doing and thus the meaning we should comfort to, recalling that names are practical mechanisms to remember the purpose of things, their meaning, and how their motion is described in the world.
But making the task of beating that collective belief, akin to the Nietzschean ideal of the camel turning into the lion, so as to transform it's spirit and become something else. But if it's the golden dragon of all the huamn values which judges you insane, will you be prepared to wrestle with the entire culture so as to have your way?
As I layed my eyes upon each star counting up to the number seventeen, I confessed of being scared of those beliefs, as revisiting the past, became a painful deed — and as I prepared to leave, I uttered one wish on the seventeenth point in the sky.
Lord please grant me strength, the way you have given my friend strenght.
2.
The night deepen, while the sea tide sang its own song of breathing. Some time passed, and then on the stranger showed himself approaching at the distance. I waved my hand at him, and after the instant, he found his way into my bench while I welcomed him with an extended fist which he casually bumped - after the short acknowledgement the dark alien looked at my face in between it's cover of dark, and looking at it undiscernable in its true features, with suspicion asked.
— What is it that you want?
I acknowledged him as a friend, then mentioned my brief research, as I had come to know him as man looking for a job, yet nobody would hire for things mundane due to his appearance. I listened closely to the news, and came to understand that this was a man looking for a second chance.Then I saw the intent behind his doing, and two words came to stick to my own thoughts. The first one was <> and the second one was <>. I was admired.
In analytical psychology I figured this man was the ESFP —the personality archetype related to the performer and the entertainer—, possessed in an abnormal way by the spirit by which a person submits to it's contrary nature, seeking to integrate and find fulfillment through the chase of what's perceived absent. If he was the ESFP then doing the flip by following the radial axis of each Jungian function in the stack towards their opposite resulted in the INTJ. The mastermind. The architect. The genius yet awfully complex individual. That was the elusive spirit he was chasing.
But a spirit and a character that at its most pronounced embodiment in a person, would experience life as an eternal foreigner hiding from the light of other men. Such made sense to me, for I myself was the INTJ, and had at spirit the ESFP. Him. So where as this man chased the spiritual fulfillment of being a complex and deep individual, I chased the fulfillment of becoming simpler, so I could demonstrate with action the deepest desires of my heart. One who was born plentiful in means to be liked, becomes complex, mysterious and uncomprehended, meeting one who will be seen trying to make sense becoming simpler. For Carl Jung portrayed the anima and animus of individuals, as the sense of what its absent, yet deeply cherished an valued. So I said these things to the alien, while he silently listened to me.
— All of that sounds like bullshit to me. -Said the alien after some contemplation .— Sorry but the things you say, don't mean anything to me.
And alas for I expected such response, as if one thing was true about this journey, was that explaining the journey in and of itself would become it's grimmest task. I affirmated what he just said with a slight nod of head.
— These things I say and how they relate to each other, in its excercise are similar to doing stecheometric balance with equations in the head, but simpler I'm afraid. - Then I paused, looked back into the sea, and continued. — That's high school chemistry, but I don't expect everybody to pick up on it, nor like it, nor understand it.
— Now i have called you a friend, and where I came from we dub with this title the people we share destiny with. As far as I'm concerned, we are chasing the same thing, which is the hardest posible thing. We both innately understand that we are not home, as we want our spirit to return to us, and that's not what a lot of people ever honestly try to attempt in a lifetime; as such is anyone's call to feel complete.
— And very few people ever reach true individuality, beyond the name they are imposed at birth.
Then I looked into the black alien, and in-between his foreign facial features, I interpreted something familiar. Disturbance. And I continued.
— We have given ourselves hell as we lived chasing something hard, so we can avoid the same hell later on when we are finally back to our own house. This is a christian precept, altought a rundimentary one. Does that makes sense to you?
And after listening such, the black alien calmly looked at the veil in my face in silence. Trying to discern what my face actually looked like, but the night was dark. Then turned his stare back to the reflection of the moon over the waters, giving some thought to what I just said. I opened up my backpack, and drawed two cans of beer from it. Offered one to him, and he silently refused with a gesture of hand. I popped my can and gave it a sip, while I myself stared at the tides coming in and out of the shore.
— If you wan't a tattoo, we can work that out. But this sounds annoyingly familiar, and my interest is not religious. Are you religious?
I nodded in affirmation, and complemented saying. — But my doctrine is something nobody has heard nor seen. For its aim, is doing as Christ said, in perfect means. Yet its true that the teaching fits you, as it's the teaching of the future man; and there's nothing in common between the current man and the future man, as they may very well be different species. This is the precept of evolution.
The alien seemed surprised.
— These two men don't know each other, for the current man doesn't know where the future man comes from, for he himself doesn't know where he is going. Yet in deep realization of your own artistic concept, I think you might want new ideas to meet with your appearance. So tell me, are you curious about what truly happens to a man after he dies? Do you want to learn how to read someone's mind? Do you want to blast with words of fire the hearts of an amazed crowd?
But the black alien broke his calm contemplation of what I was saying, and slighty disturbed, aggressively rebuked after hearing such.
— But you mentioned 'Christ', so you must be christian. How can a christian even say anything interesting in this current time? Last time I asked, their sayings were dreaded by restriction - so why would anyone condemn themselves to a life of bore? Are you a christian?
And I nodded after the question, in silence. Admittedly, for I knew what the problem was with being what I was, and my new companion was bang on identifying it. Made a pause, then raised my sight to where it met with the sky and the stars in it, and I said back to him.
— I am, but not one of a type you have ever seen, for the Christ that comes, is a Christ of art.
2.
The riptide sang, in its secret dialect of earth and sea. I looked upon the coast, turned an eye blind, and saw the ocean as the scorpio, and the land as the taurus; as it was the struggle between two lovers, never meant to consume each other. Ideal love then - yet not to confuse with this partnership as it was whimsilcally tied by the means in which i arranged my current conversation; for my lady somewhere waited for me. Then i allowed my eyes to rest still.
The alien looked upon me, undiscernable in my intentions, and again figured for himself that my interest towards him wasn’t clear. In suspicion, and after the moment he collected his thoughts asked “In your weird words you dubbed me performer, so what is it exactly that you wan’t from me. To me it seems like you are gathering people for some form of religious clown show. When you forced this meeting upon me, was this a proposal you thought i would find amusement in?”. And after the statement my own stare wandered in my conversation partner. While as he had his say, i returned to my can of beer, and finished it with a long gulp. Tempered in an unwillingness to fall to my new found friend irritation, i said within my own thoughts: “The alien looks easy going, but he is barbed in wit”.
Then i opened the can of beer that the stranger rejected; the loud pop resounded in the relative silence, interrupting for a moment the steady chorus of the sea. Gave it a long sip, and said.
– Theres no proposal in place yet. But im certain of something, and that is that both of us are messed individuals which reached the bottom doing the same thing - but the way my understandment of the human soul goes: two people can act by mere interaction as reactives to each other, creating a new chemical compound after the fact.
– This new psychology is very much like chemistry. But it is not my intention to draw you into something, but to pull myself out of this «something» by doing right on another person and maybe that person reflecting the good back on me. I just need a conversation partner, thats all. And i will do this with you, and with many people more. Presidents included.
The alien reflected on it, and after the hiatus of a long standing position of suspicion he finally gave in, and eased up with a slight smile. A strange smile of relief. But the smile, was all too familiar for me, as i realized the man was a tortured individual: a person in long standing pain. I smiled back the way he did, and continued.
– Our pain has a common name, and is a name that can be written with words unfortunately. It’s the devilish mother of all spiritual ills and its foundation, rests at the concept of a past that wasnt solved. It’s called «inadequeacy», and for people like you and me, understanding one day that such inadecuacy had to be solved by our own means, lead us into an act where our name changed as the changes in our cover up act to solve our inadequacy did.
– We never honored the past or the present in our pursuit, as we desired in passion to find solution to the present, by matching it into the idealization of some future without ever realizing that the old or present essence of ones being would be crushed into non existance by said future.
– Then we found the realization of that new name, only to understand that its demands became a tyranny on the other faces of our soul: as our soul is not something that can be undestood in unity, but something that conceives in the beginning in multiple things which try to give shape to one thing. Theres many people in a village, and our minds, are no exception.
— But happiness is only achieved by those who have their soul entire - or those who are the same person regardless of the context and scenario. And we gave to much to somebody that wasn't us, as our spirit took possession and lead us down.
– This is this the essence by which someone goes to hell, only to do one thing over again, getting an ever lasting pain for all the things that were given up chasing that which was absent. The more someone is forced into being shaped by the thing that was concevied in lust, the more the individual misses the place they used to call home, for that is no longer within ones reach. Does this makes sense to you?
The alien left me with no answer, and as he contemplated the sea, a tear travelled through his strange face.
– In this state of anguish, affliction rarely ever feels company, as the very individual condition that was pursued, became a full suit and persona to be forced upon and wear. Hell, is one lonely place man because we only learn to speak a language, that only makes sense to ourselves. But i think we can find a way out of it. This is why I'm here.
“Look, what you’ve done, it’s not something i can see the way you can see my own doing on me.” The alien replied. “Besides the way in which i canno’t see your face in this night, you seem ordinary — but what you talk and the way you say it, evokes in every word regret. What is it that you’ve done that has you regret like this?”
As the alien finished speaking, I emptied the can of beer, layed my eyes on the irregular grooves that my feet had left on the sand, and then replied back to him, after making a recap of the story i had repeatedly told myself after falling down.
“My story, is the fairy tale of a guy who makes way for the new coming of a new man; a better man for the world, while he casts disarray upon the earth: much to his dismay, at the expense of his own soul as the people who become victims of disasters, were ones who this man deemed unfair; cruel, evil, despicable in past. That was at the beginning."
"Theres a pile of corpses behind that character — even in covid time, people as close as the local priest of the small town he lived in, would break their neck after falling in the shower, as he had the slightest suspicion of their secret deeds. All clean deads for that matter. Untraceable to nothing but sheer randomness. Magic as it seeems. But were this folk truly evil people or even guilty of anything? You may ask - the man never knew it for sure, as he never had faculties such as godly omniscience to actually know it; which has taken a toll on him, as the burden of justice is an unberable one for anything but a god."
"Which leads to another point: spontaneously picturing random numbers in the head, associating them with psychological compounds by angular momentum, and actually being bang on the suspicion. Truth friend, in its stochastic presentation: it's unberable.”
“Consequential of such attempts to rationalize his own story in the eyes of people such as close family, my dude became clinically diagnosed with referenced thinking. Which are fancy words for schizophrenia. Nobody believed the story as it was uttered."
"Yet the consequences are there for everyone to see, altought not visible in their cause and effect by anybody but this guy, which lead him first into regret over ever starting his quest as a reformer; and then repent.”
“Now before he realized of this lets call it «curse», he preached for years over the internet as the disasters started to slowly creep up. He preached in a fashion parallel to Niestzches Zarathustra; Zarathustra meaning a famous philosophical device artificied by the philosopher Niestzche, who’s aim was to portray the best posible man, as something he dubbed the <<Übermensch>> ”.
“Such concept being the seemingly more elegant brand of a humanist ideal for a not so distant future: today - albeit a wrong one, for this guy was not dyonisian himself. The backbone of his framework, is analytical psycholgy becoming a chariot for a true understandment of human nature: and ultimately a facilitator for love within light: not within ignorance; not within darkness. Most philosophers today though would mock anything analytical in it's aim."
"Then on the guy preached and dwelved further into the relative hole of his own doctrine: and became imprisoned by what he didn’t got right at first attempt, making him in the process the character that Nietzsche from the comfort of his own writers seat, never attempted to actually embody within realistic means: eventually figuring out within himself the ultimate Nietzschean aristocrat: a magic pen granted by being capetian by mother: from judah by father."
"But Alas, you have no idea how common suicide is within philosophers after they finish their best work. As language, becomes the ultimate barrier for understandment, and then to ones capacity to feel love. Difference — true saliency in ones individual destiny— leads to the gravest posible pain. Ironic isn’t it?”
“Besides technical work with a new form of psychology inspired by analytical chemistry, as that drawed from his efforts during the light of day, five years ago, once he felt the urge to try to reach out to the world from a position of what he deemed was greater understandment: he primitively preached during night his new set of ideas for people to behave beyond the limitations of manipulative psychology, albeit a harsh doctrine meant to clear the way for a better product: Christ himself."
"This is not a doctrine a human being can actually perform, as such its christianity at its highest capacity to bear fruit. It’s an impossible doctrine, yet solves the oldest problem posed in the bible. All which sounds very sci-fi bullshit-y but actual problems started for the protagonist in this tale, when the preaching matched with terrible consequences. Not figurative, but within tangible reality.”
“So just as we talk, theres a small legion of hackers pretending to be doing internet social experiments while talking in an artsy matter: much in my own style, entertaining the exact same concepts - a legion of dangerous monkeys, i have no control over."
"One of the many unexpected consequences being this, yet prompted by something evil; ancient: essentially replicating what my protagonist developed and then preached over the years, while these "hacktivists" lay their attention on things and people, as they select them and enforce upon them strict surveillance, to behave properly. Then to destroy them, as they did in 2020 with many corporations and institutions.A bizarre combination of theater actors to my own liking, and then cyber-security demigods: omniscient in their claims to surveill, and they are - derivative such of another device of what I've done; which is to build a theater so people can make-believe that they are infact performing within themselves something greater - but that's matter for another story."
“Most of the corpses piling up flat out dead, have no relation to him whatsoever; they became victims as my protagonist took measures to fight back the monster he found at the foundation of the known world. This is not an elaborate analogy for one's own unseen capacity for evil, as i mean this: a monster as literally as it can be. For these things friend, im doomed as in true strenght, i have nothing but the pen i use to write down what i think albeit always at danger of it’s eventual inversion. I have no real friends left. Not one who can understand, or help bear the pain: as friendship and love are all gated by understandment."
"The full story has many more vertients, but i think i’ve done it enough justice. This is the predicament of an insane man chased by his own shadow as he builds a better man: one who delivers heavenly things, and then a shadow stringed to deliver tyranny as the very strings behind him make the better man stumble while he tries to keep a grasp of his own spirit, and then of his own soul."
"That monster behind, is wicked smart — and cannot be outwitted nor overpowered but anything but divine smite."
“I’m heading now to a new country, to try to get friends from the only institution in the world who knows and adresses the current times being, and who by extension, might believe me. And to clarify, these being the end of times; but not the end of the world. Yet now i myself have a damocles sword pending over my own head, and i need to do something about it before it falls.”
And as i said these things, i reached out to my backpack drawing a third can of beer from it — besides my own super laptop, thats what my backpack had: an infinite supply of beer. Corona, Indio, Victoria, Dos Equis, Heineken; you name it. I popped the can, and gave it a long and definite sip as i emptied it complete.
The alien didn't try to show that he understood, but stood still in silence, with his sight in the sand below and pressing lips, knowing by my demeanor; that these things as I've said them was something that I needed to do. Then he said: "I don't follow man. You say you preach and then disasters occur. Like a prophet from the bible?"
"Yes. Then I preached to get rid of the things that are actually making the world worse, and something awoke soon after, and since then; everything I do is subject to being misinterpreted due to the diffamatory action of this thing. Now everytime I do something, it can be twisted and turned against my original intent. Right now the hackers are my worst problem: I may have a degree in computers but I have no fucking idea whatsoever of hacking. I earn my living as an A.I engineer.".
The alien raised his sight to meet with mine, and after doing some contemplation on the fact, quite simply said: "You are insane". Then lowered his own sight, and raised it again to meet with the sea and continued. "If you want a tattoo, we can work that out. But either way and whatever parts of your story are true and even worse; the ones you may be lying about: you sound dangerous in a delusional kind of sense, and my life is hard enough as is."
I pressed my fists, knowing then the old same thing had happened again. For I had never forced anything upon anybody, and I was willing to respect that until the bitter end. Then I released the build up of frustration with a loud sigh, and after this amend, I replied back.
"I understand and respect it. But let me just propose you that if you ever want to figure what is beyond life as it's lived by person who has never seen what is like to be someone you write a great story about; you can pin me, and I'll show you what's beyond that door. Give it some thought."
The alien; The Black Alien Project stayed there sitting, spechless but calm, almost expecting something else to be convinced about. But pointless, for i knew that nobody can be forced into anything without bringing a transgression into play – and i wasn’t one to taint myself in sin if it could be avoided. Not anymore.
3.
I made the distance at steady pace walking along the shore, until i found a small group of pines in-between the liminal space of the beach and the land. I sat with one of the pines trunk behind my back, and drawed the Schizo Pills from my eternal supply of traveller goodies.
Quetiapine 100 mg, and Olanzapine 10 mg, i made a smaller fragment from the olanzapine pill, and swallowed both complete. As their side effects were concerned, they would soon knock me out of conscience, as this little ritual was my own way of calling the day complete – then i layed there, vigilant, waiting for my own drowsiness to claim me into sleep - but the Bird of Britan came flying from above, and stood besides me.
\Chirp, Chirp, Chirp**
I watched the bird, annoyed, as its presence had become an omen for contempt. For me and the death people of my past. I frowned upon the little shit, and said nothing. The bird made a little nod, while tilting its head in excentricity the way birds do, and replied. — Hey Andrew!, do you remember when you tried to penetrate your own computer to make a universe grow inside of it? I just wan’t to know something: did your computer moan? Did it finally learnt how to scream your name?
\Chirp Chirp**
Ignoring the bird, i closed my eyes and stayed like that for a long moment, hoping to make the bird think i was asleep. Maybe that would make him leave.
— Can’t bullshit me like that Sweetheart. So please tell me something; why don’t you command one of your supermodels; these muses, to come here and warm the bed for you. It's a cold night and you seem lonely brah
. \Chirp Chirp**
I opened my eyes, and irritated, pointed menacingly at the bird turning my left hand into an imaginary gun. I had already failed at something today, and wasn’t convinced i needed the memory of the things i failed at before. Not now.

• Hol’ up cowboy ! you wan’t to bang my bird ass when you should be banging a bitch ass. What happened with Tyrone huckleberry? Did you managed to make him as impotent as you are right now? —I held steady my hand; and tired, the tempation to pull again the trigger on the bird was growing larger. I saw red roses in my own sight, making a terrible omen for a migraine forthcoming. Said nothing.

— The glowniggers are out there brah. You may not be a hacker – and its true, but i took notice of your last words: so now the glowies are going to instead dreambooth* people into every posible kind of scenario of extorsion, while they surveil like a motherfucker. Like you dream boothed yourself for your little ahem "art project". Then we will use Suno*, then Sora* when it open sources. Are you going to protect your hoes?
Said nothing.

• Alright cowboy, i will give meaning to that revelations verse. What was it? Ah yes. Revelations 9:6. Every single person with an internet history will be as paranoid as you were in 2020. Everyone will be diffamated into acts of political terrorism! Aren’t you am-

And as i pulled the imaginary trigger from the imaginary pistol, an imaginary arrow in the sky descended with a blaze of not so imaginary flames on the Bird of Britain, engulfing the little shit in heat, and making it’s body explode into a gore of scorched viscera. As if the bird was in a microwave oven. I inmediately gasped as the explosion was too close from where i was sitting - after the conmotion, stared at the red and burned stain in the floor, and left my sight rest there, as sleep finally found its way into my restless thoughts.
"No longer care for love unless it's between good friends”. Said to myself. There was certainly a migraine coming, but maybe my dreams would help convince it otherwise. And as far as the hoes were concerned, Furious Angels would be there for them. Like the Rob Dougan song.
4.
Found my own mind after the slumber – asleep, then awake. I realized several hours passed - at least enough to wake up and witness the sun rise above the sea. But as for dreams, the light veil of their memories wasn't something to rely upon. But i did remember something, and it was some overtone in dread; an atmosphere of fear – and a kind of dread sustained in it’s inevitability by the urgency that builds upon dearth.
Now what exactly was it though? I couldn’t remember from my dreams, but ever since i falled to my own death i had always present in mind the future succesion of events that would follow when things started to go very wrong. Iran, the U.S, Israel - now whatever was it in the news; the outcome would be the same. A thousand more cuts to an already languishing economy. Make that corpse bleed, and then fall off a cliff.
As such things would be cooked, just as the bird of britain. The bird was still there though: just in pieces and roasted like the contents of a dropped KFC bucket would. But the little shit would return - as it always did. The economy? Not so much.
Yet i digress. None of the world circumstances mattered as far i was concerned – i had built a small and portable solar system to power my laptop, and my beer supply was well, infinite - i made myself sure that i had my needs covered whatever happened around me. Not tied to even a house for that matter. I incorporated myself and gave my back a stretch. The morning breeze coming from the sea evocated in my memories some time that had long passed – late childhood. I rejected those memories as they beared with them things i didnt wan’t to remember - then wen’t on as usual in my morning routine scrolling through my instagram feed, figuring if there were any new hoes to maybe motivate me into doing my God imposed labour.
Labour which was to either write, or to finish the House of Water — then after scrolling i did in fact saw a new hoe; i dropped a Faux Pas comment. Maybe she would play along, maybe not. Whatever. Sometimes I would put in a lot of effort to do a rhyme. But the effort depended on the insta-hoe in question. I know. Not the best of habits, but back in elementary school i was the kind of kid that would only get motivation when the girls in the classroom were present in physEd. And then i would run faster: whole lotta faster. Run Forrest! Run! Women love used to fuel me; and the habit sticked — and at the moment, i was kinda done with the idea of female trascendence. Would rely on their love, but not on their validation. Not like a simp. Fuck that.
Furthermore, what results did i demonstrably mustered after pursuing true egalitarianism and sharing it? Exactly. A bitch gonna do what a bitch gonna do, and so does the human female. After publishing the comment, I locked my phone and walked towards the highway, as i was planning to pay a visit to somebody long forgotten - I had kind of a schedule that i was going to follow, before taking the plane to Madrid and become hispanic Jon Snow from the walgreens Nightwatch.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/XIdus1PkoRM
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MATTHEW 26:69-75~Now Peter sat without in the palace: and a damsel came unto him, saying, Thou also wast with Jesus of Galilee. But he denied before them all, saying, I know not what thou sayest. And when he was gone out into the porch, another maid saw him, and said unto them that were there, This fellow was also with Jesus of Nazareth. And again he denied with an oath, I do not know the man. And after a while came unto him they that stood by, and said to Peter, Surely thou also art one of them; for thy speech bewrayeth thee. Then began he to curse and to swear, saying, I know not the man. And immediately the cock crew. And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly."
These verses relate a remarkable and deeply instructive event — the apostle Peter's denial of Christ. It is one of those events which indirectly prove the truth of the Bible. If the Gospel had been a mere invention of man, we would never have been told that one of its principal preachers was once so weak and erring, as to deny his Master.
The first thing that demands our notice, is the full nature of the sin of which Peter was guilty.
It was a great sin. We see a man, who had followed Christ for three years, and been forward in professing faith and love towards Him — a man who had received boundless mercies, and loving-kindness, and been treated by Christ as a familiar friend — we see this man denying three times that he knows Jesus! This was bad. It was sin committed under circumstances of great aggravation. Peter had been warned plainly of his danger, and had heard the warning. He had just been receiving the bread and wine at our Lord's hand, and declaring loudly that though he died with Him, he would not deny Him! This also was bad. It was a sin committed under apparently small provocation. Two weak women make the remark that he was with Jesus. Those who stood by say, "Surely you are one of them." No threat seems to have been used. No violence seems to have been done. But it was enough to overthrow Peter's faith. He denies before all. He denies with an oath. He curses and swears. Truly it is a humbling picture!
Let us mark this history, and store it up in our minds. It teaches us plainly that the best of saints are only men, and men encompassed with many infirmities. A man may be converted to God, have faith, and hope, and love towards Christ, and yet be overtaken in a fault, and have dreadful falls. It shows us the necessity of humility. So long as we are in the body we are in danger. The flesh is weak, and the devil is active. We must never think, "I cannot fall." It points out to us the duty of charity towards erring saints. We must not set down men as graceless reprobates, because they occasionally stumble and err. We must remember Peter, and "restore them in the spirit of meekness." (Gal. 6:1.)
The second thing that demands our notice, is the series of steps by which Peter was led to deny his Lord.
These steps are mercifully recorded for our learning. The Spirit of God has taken care to have them written down for the perpetual benefit of the Church of Christ. Let us trace them out one by one.
The first step to Peter's fall was SELF-CONFIDENCE. He said, "Even if everyone else deserts you, I never will." The second step was INDOLENCE. His Master told him to watch and pray. Instead of doing so, he slept. The third step was cowardly COMPROMISING. Instead of keeping close to his Master, he first forsook him, and then "followed him afar off." The last step was NEEDLESS VENTURING INTO EVIL COMPANY. He went into the priest's palace, and "sat with the servants," like one of themselves. And then came the final fall, the cursing, the swearing, and the three-fold DENIAL. Startling as it appears, his heart had been preparing for it. It was the fruit of seeds which he himself had sown. "He ate the fruit of his own ways."
Let us remember this part of Peter's history. It is deeply instructive to all who profess and call themselves Christians. Great illnesses seldom attack the body, without a previous train of premonitory symptoms. Great falls seldom happen to a saint, without a previous course of secret backsliding. The church and the world are sometimes shocked by the sudden misconduct of some great professor of religion. Believers are discouraged and stumbled by it. The enemies of God rejoice and blaspheme. But if the truth could be known, the explanation of such cases would generally be found to have been private departure from God. Men fall in private, long before they fall in public. The tree falls with a great crash, but the secret decay which accounts for it, is often not discovered until it is down on the ground.
The last thing that demands our notice, is the sorrow which Peter's sin brought upon him. We read at the end of the chapter, "He went out and wept bitterly."
These words deserve more attention than they generally receive. Thousands have read the history of Peter's sin, who have thought little of Peter's tears, and Peter's repentance. May we have an eye to see, and a heart to understand.
We see in Peter's tears, the close connection between unhappiness and departure from God. It is a merciful arrangement of God, that in one sense holiness shall always be its own reward. A heavy heart, and an uneasy conscience, a clouded hope, and an abundant crop of doubts, will always be the consequence of backsliding and inconsistency. The words of Solomon describe the experience of many an inconsistent child of God, "The backslider in heart shall be filled with his own ways." (Prov. 14:14.) Let it be a settled principle in our religion, that if we love inward peace, we must walk closely with God.
We see in Peter's bitter tears, the grand mark of difference between the hypocrite and the true believer. When the hypocrite is overtaken by sin, he generally falls to rise no more. He has no principle of life within him to raise him up. When the child of God is overtaken, he rises again by true repentance, and by the grace of God amends his life. Let no man flatter himself that he may sin with impunity, because David committed adultery, and because Peter denied his Lord. No doubt these holy men sinned greatly. But they did not continue in their sin. They repented greatly. They mourned over their falls. They loathed and abhorred their own wickedness. Well would it be for many, if they would imitate them in their repentance, as well as in their sins. Too many are acquainted with their fall, but not with their recovery. Like David and Peter, they have sinned, but they have not, like David and Peter, repented.
The whole passage is full of lessons that ought never to be forgotten. Do we profess to have a hope in Christ? Let us mark the weakness of a believer, and the steps that lead to a fall. Have we unhappily backslidden, and left our first love? Let us remember that the Savior of Peter still lives. There is mercy for us as well as for him. But we must repent, and seek that mercy, if we would find it. Let us turn unto God, and He will turn to us. His compassions fail not. (Lam. 3:22.)

Forgive me for the initial ambiguity. I am not certain how to proceed, I just know that I have been given the green light to share this initial post. Take it for what it is:
Far too many are spending too much time and energy trying to solve a problem they don’t even have the right set of integers. It is quite literally impossible. Have you not ever wondered why great researchers who spend thousands of hours cannot land on anything concrete ?
Men and women have dedicated their life to figuring out the connections between the anomalous, to ultimately give up, or they ran out of time on this mortal coil. God forbid someone stumble onto the truth, and then conveniently get suicided. All of this connected, and really that is the point: Connection.
Currently, our government has spent trillions to solve this problem and to figure out who they are in bed with, and still they are in the dark. But many of them are okay with that as long as their pockets keep filling. See, for the Problem, existing in the shadows is their identity. The Problem excels in confusion and chaos. In drawing someone in just enough to keep them digging, but then driving them mad by having them feel around in the dark.
It is like Humanity is in a dark room. A big room, like a warehouse. And we are in the pitch black trying to find the light switch. Only, when someone gets too close, they either get turned the other direction, get tripped up, get locked up, or get gone. All the while, a few have on night vision goggles and orchestrate all the aimless wondering. Every once in a while, the searcher will stumble across a technology that pushes them towards the light switch, to then be thrown off course and continue to walk around aimlessly. In the pitch black, when someone “discovers” something, the others wondering around will begin to flock to that glimmer, to then be sidelined once again because the Problem loves to move large numbers of people towards an objective. It is a frustrating process and one that will continue until the lights are turned on.
However, many of our best and brightest have been co-opted to keep anyone and everyone from knowing the truth. They have falsely believed that those who desire to bring them to ruin are their allies. Over the years, many have woken up to the idea that maybe these NHI ‘friendlies’ aren’t friendly after all. Others have been so enthralled with the ‘gifts’ given to humanity, that they dismiss the possibility of these NHI’s are anything but benevolent.
Many of these “gifts” are found. In fact, all of the originals were found. How does that make sense? Pretend you are having an Easter egg hunt (not religiously speaking), and it is a grand ole time. Fast forward 5 days and you are out in the yard cutting the grass and you see a glimmer in the grass. Turns out, even though 5 days have passed, that egg is sitting where you left it. This is a very simple way of looking at it, but this is how the retrieval process began.
Many days (or ages) ago, objects were lost. Today, because of they know where the eggs are hidden, they can lead people to discover. Once discovered, the craft were studied and used to further our existence. Nowadays, the craft could be old that we discover, or it could be craft that are actually man-made, under the tutelage of NHI. The NHI can not easily manufacture in our dimension, so they tap the humans that best serve their purpose.
This can happen within an entity like the Armed Forces or a part of the Military Industrial Complex. This can also be done through organizations that we don’t readily know the name of, for example, have you ever heard of the Sonora Aero Club? Most have not, however, in the United States, this group was one of the first to be co-opted for a mission that they had no clue they were on. It makes me nervous to even write this, but we must try to find some semblance of light if we are going to make it out of this warehouse in one piece.
Men like David Grusch are diligent in their search, however, they will never be able to put the pieces together until they back up enough to see the Problem. Until it is diagnosed, we will look at pieces of a puzzle without having the box as a reference picture. The pieces of the puzzle: UAP, NHI, cattle mutilations, paranormal, etc etc, can’t be looked at as different problems—— they are the Problem.
There are entirely too many components for us to break down each in one post, but please just suspend skepticism for a minute and read this last part as if it were true:
There is an underlying glue to all things. A thread that ties us all together. In other dimensions (for lack of a better word), this thread can be woven together by groups of people having a similar idea, ideology intention, hope, fear, or sadness. Each individual thread, being part of the whole, is assembled into whatever dominates that person’s mind at that juncture. I know this sounds wild, but just imagine. Therefore, a group can be woven into a blanket that provides warmth and safety, or into a noose which could spell the end to all things. The Problem’s agenda is the latter. However, the people that are part of the Problem believe that they are making a blanket. This is why it is so hard to get people to see it for what it is: because it would mean humbling yourself and realizing that you have actually been working in the noose factory. Few people can admit their folly. Even fewer people can see they are part of the Problem because their pockets are stuffed or their power is enormous. The Problem is not stupid nor lazy, it will give you anything and everything it can to reel you in, because when the day comes, you will be tapped to do something you don’t want to do, but you must. That is part of being in bed with them, they control you.
That is all I have in me currently to share. I know that people will roll eyes, scratch heads, or dismiss completely. I am okay with that. I am not trying to sell you anything, just report on what I know to be true. I may share again, but I will answer questions best I know how. I leave you with 2 quotes:
“We’ll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the US public believes is false” -CIA Director, William J Casey, 1981
“The last card is the alien card. They will build space-based weapons against aliens, and it is all a lie.” -Werner Von Braun, 1974-1977
PS- if you ask about specific anomalies, ie. crop circles, I may only have a theory as to "why" because I don't have information on everything. But it is ALL part of ONE problem.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/XIdus1PkoRM
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Hi. First post on here. I ((24F)) have been dating my bf ((22M)) for about a month now, but we’ve been talking since February. At first, our conversations were wonderful. Complex, interesting, and he made me feel beautiful, showering me with compliments and praise which I never got from any other romantic partner before. I fell for him, hard, and decided to start dating him. We made it official on Easter Sunday. I bragged about him to anyone who would listen, recounting how he’d make me feel special, beautiful, and like a priority. We changed all our social media statuses. We even had matching profile pictures on Instagram. Things seemed to be going great. But ever since we got together, things have started to change.
For starters, he doesn’t have a car, so I’m the one driving to get him. And it’s hard to set up dates when I’m working 6 days a week with 2 jobs. He works part time, and when our schedules would allow, I’d offer to pick him up so we could hang out for a day. He never wants me at his house, since he lives with his mother’s ex-husband and he ((supposedly)) isn’t a good guy. 90% of any plans I make with him gets cancelled last minute ((and by last minute I mean I am walking out of the door to go pick him up)). Which was okay the first time, since he got called into work. But when it happened again the next week, and again, and again…I’m tired of spending 2+ hours getting myself dolled up just to be told “no” as I’m heading out the door. Just because he didn’t feel like it bc he had a rough day at work the previous day, or bc he was invited to play video games with his friends, or simply bc he changed his mind. I wouldn’t have so much of a problem with this if he would communicate this with me before I got ready, but it’s consistently when I’m about to walk out the door to get him that he flakes out.
Problem number 2, his messaging habits. Now we use to text every day. And where I woke up before him, I would send him a good morning text every morning. As time went on I realized his messages were getting dryer and shorter. Now, I went on vacation this past week and where I was driving all day on Monday, I didn’t have time to message him. When I went to open my phone to message him, I realized yet another thing: he hadn’t messaged me that whole day, even though he was off work that day. My curiosity got the better of me, and I didn’t message him. I haven’t reached out, simply to see how long it would take for him to message me first, because I know he hasn’t messaged me first since that day in February when he hit up my DMs.
It’s been 3 days now since I’ve even heard from him. Three days, I’ve seen him active on discord, viewing my Instagram reels, and yet not once has he messaged me.
Problem number 3, I realized he hadn’t changed any social media statuses, except Instagram, and even then within 2 weeks he deleted that too. Took down everything from his insta saying that he wanted to deactivate the account, which was okay, until he uploaded a new pfp. This is probably petty, but I had him tagged on insta in my bio, and on every social media platform I had, my status said “taken” or “in a relationship”. Not him…
I feel like I’m not valued, like I’m being ignored, like I’m not a priority. Even though I always reached out, reassured him, checked in, took him places and made the plans, he doesn’t seem interested anymore. I’m tired of fighting for someone’s affection, and loving someone the way I want to be loved with the useless hope that it will be reciprocated.
So…would I be the asshole if I broke up with him for not texting me?

We also needed a good lawyer.
I am sure that to many of you, the title seems heretical and blasphemous. You are probably like me in that you have been told your whole life that the salvation of humanity is the direct result of Jesus dying on the cross. You have probably been told a story about how Jesus was punished in your place on the cross, and that this needed to happen for God to forgive you. This is the story that I have believed and defended almost all my life.
According to the bible, this story is wrong.
I am a doctoral student working on a Theology degree, and my dissertation is about the incarnation. While working on my dissertation, I spent a lot of time thinking about the book of Hebrews. It was during that time I started to realize that the way I thought about the saving work of Christ is completely different than how the author of Hebrews thought about it. In Hebrews, the focus is on what Jesus does after resurrecting from the dead. We are saved because Jesus is our high priest who is always present to make intercession for us. This idea picks up elsewhere in the New Testament, Paul mentions in Romans 8 that the reason that nobody can bring a charge against us is because Christ is interceding for us in heaven. John makes similar remarks in 1 John 2.
So why is our salvation in the New Testament so focused on us having an advocate in heaven? Probably because according to Revelation 12: 7-11 there were accusations that were brought against us in the heavenly courts by the Devil.
The more I studied the bible, the more I have been convinced that our salvation comes from Christ serving as our defendant in a cosmic lawsuit. Humanity has been on trial, but because of Christ, our accusers are cast out. I just released a short book arguing for this position, in which I go through numerous scripture verses in the Old and New Testament and address potential objections. If you are interested in this, the book is currently free for those with Kindle Unlimited and can be found here
Also, I received mod permission to post this.

seems like the majority of Christianity is ignorant of scripture. Most people either only read Revelations or they don't read anything at all. People let gurus and wisemen interpret the bible for them and come away with dogcrap doctrine. Why is this? what gives?
we should give attendance to reading and doctrine yet we have Christians arguing about core doctrines like: diety of Jesus, Salvation, sanctification, preservation of scripture.
It's very obvious that people haven't read their bibles and then when you give them scripture their response is always "that word doesn't mean what that word said' or "that verse was added later" or they'll cite some other verse (misapplied or out of context) which if they are right creates a contradiction in the bible. God makes mistakes? NO. Seriously what gives? Is Christianity just about listening to effeminate men moaning into a microphone? is it about just appearing righteous to others? Is it about saying you love Jesus (while completely ignoring everything that he wrote about himself)?
If you're a saved born-again Christian get you a KJV and read. If you're not saved and just claim to be a Christian, then don't worry about it just sit there and admire how you have it all figured out.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/XIdus1PkoRM
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We've been together with my girlfriend for more than a year now and over the past few months it has become apparent that she is a very insecure type. There are reasons behind her low-self-esteem and its development. According to my girlfriend in a previous relationship she wasn't treated with respect, didn't feel important and didn't receive adequate love. She was cheated on at least once which led to her contracting a sexually transmitted disease on one occasion. Additionally comments were made about her physical attributes by her ex bf that she wasn’t feminine enough which ultimately led her to undergo plastic surgery.
I'll try to summarize some of the important events that have stemmed from her jealousy, insecurity, low self-esteem and overall, the thoughts swirling around these incidents.
Events
1.) After being together for half a year one evening we slept at my place and before going to bed we had dinner that I cooked. She noticed a long, light-colored, blondish piece of hair in my bed. When she asked whose it could be I calmly, jokingly said, "I don't know, probably sat on it somewhere." It seemed like her world collapsed and she didn't believe me. I explained to her that I work in a 500-person office, I attend university with thousands of people and I have three sisters - one of whom has the exact hair color she found - so there could be plenty of possibilities. I live in a small studio apartment where I throw washed clothes on the bed and hang them on a drying rack next to it.
2.) Three months later laying on the bed I was scrolling through my phone while she was behind me seemingly watching TV. The next day she questioned me via a voice message about who I was chatting with on Instagram. She saw what seemed like a new conversation, you know the kind where you still see the other person's profile picture in large size. I looked back at my chat history and I had such a chat with a male friend with whom I played music together in a bar. She told me it's a lie and she distinctly remembers that I was chatting with a girl, meaning I can't consider her crazy or hallucinating in this case. If I were to show her that there was no conversation with another girl, it's because I deleted it – she said.
3.) Two months later while I was cooking dinner she suddenly started crying from three meters away in my bed. It turned out she noticed that there were fewer condoms on the shelf than before and she saw it, then concluded that I must be cheating on her. As additional information it's worth noting that when we had been together for three months she started taking birth control pills, so only one condom from the pack had been used. The rest remained on my shelf, but I noticed they would expire sooner or later, so I gave some away for friends.
4.) A few weeks later it was my friend's (Tom) birthday. Four of us guys planned to go out for the night as I was invited to this scenario. On the day of the event Tom was chatting to a yet uninvited friend of his (Jake), who mentioned that they (Jake + his GF) were planning to go to the same venue, so he (Tom) invited them as well last minute to join four of us, who eventually brought his girlfriend as well. I didn't really enjoy the party, I sat in a chair, had a few drinks, then looked at vinyl records online and followed three old acquaintances on Instagram from the suggestions the social media platform gave me. One of them was a girl. At the club, I met a former female colleague, with whom I used to work in a shopping mall during college, so we exchanged a few words at the party, and since we weren't moving together at the party anymore, I said goodbye and wishing all the best to her on Instagram before I went home. She replied the same, to which I didn't respond at all. She got mad for days and the argument here was:

• why could that friend's girlfriend come, while she (gf) wasn’t invited.
• one morning she saw the conversation in the previous messages with my former colleague in the bottom of the chat history, whom I bumped into and exchanged a few words with at the party.
• it turned out she has an application that monitors my Instagram profile and saw that I followed that girl acquaintance. I agree that it was stupid and drinking alcohol is not an excuse.

5.) A few weeks later, I planned for us to go hiking over Easter Saturday. I got sick a week before, then the symptoms came out on her two days late. Since we got sick we didn't talk about the hiking trip that week. On Saturday afternoon, I wasn't feeling well yet, but I pulled myself together and went to visit my mother for lunch and almost postponed sleeping together with my gf that day so I could rest for the next day and have the strength to go to my grandparents in the countryside for lunch as well. She didn't want to come with me to any of the family events, which is not a problem at all, because it’s time consuming, she was sick as well and she usually comes to these events. On Sunday morning before I went to my grandparents, she asked what the plan was for Monday. I had arranged a beach day with my friends for that day 2-3 weeks earlier, and it seemed likely that I would recover by then. She was completely shattered and started crying, saying there was no point in this relationship like this. I make plans with everyone except her, even though we meet three, four, or five times every week, while with my friends and family it's once a month or even less.
6.) The last incident was a few days ago when I bought delayed ejaculation gel, which she noticed and got veeery angry that I didn't tell her right away. I mentioned to her several times before that it would be nice to have a gel sometime in the future, so she can have orgasm more often in case I’m tired, mentally stressed from work and not in the mood. She also noted that since my friend's birthday I always take my phone with me to the restroom and for bathing. She bet it’s because of my former colleague I met and she finds it suspicious that I'm being secretive. Indeed, often the phone is with me and mostly in my pocket. She also pointed out that she thinks I don't use my phone in front of her as often anymore and this is surely deliberate. To be honest, since she imagined that I might be chatting with someone out of thin air, I wouldn't want to give any further opportunities for such nonsense. In summary, there hasn't been any effort on my part to deliberately use my phone less in her presence.
Extra information
+1.) Since the first and fourth event she started seeing a psychologist twice, but after the second run’s fifth occasion she decided it wouldn't help her and it's just a waste of money. We agreed that she needs to figure it out through reading books and maybe listening to podcasts about anxiety and I’ll do my best to assure that she is the most awesome and prettiest girl for me. After that no effort was made for months about this topic by her, so no books and no podcasts. A week ago we had an argument and she subscribed for an audiobook provider, but that’s it.
+2.) One morning, after we woke up she told me about her dream. She dreamt that I have two girlfriends besides her.
+3.) Her mother is also an extremely insecure woman. She covered her partner's shop window so that no other woman could see inside because she became jealous. She asked my girlfriend to call her partner from an unknown number and threaten him to confess that he cheated on her etc.
My thoughts
Is there a way for such a person to change? I fear that it would intensify later in case we move together or something. Perhaps I need to figure this out for myself, but I'm curious about others opinions as well.
We have a lot in common, but I just have the feeling that it might be a ticking bomb and I waste my time as getting closer to my thirties. I had to watch through how my entrepreneur father's life was destroyed by my mother (never had a job) once she felt existentially stable purely from the wealth my Father generated and took more 70% of it.

Well here we are, FG, our first decades tournament, the 2010’s. Thank you to everyone who nominated movies, and let’s get right into it!
Results of Round 1

• Spider-Man Into the Spider-Verse (2018) (9) beat 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016) (8) and Sorry to Bother You (2018) (6)
• Snowpiercer (2013) (11) beat 12 Years a Slave (2013) (7), and Spotlight (2015) (6)
• Skyfall (2012) (9) beat 127 Hours (2010) (8) and Spring Breakers (2012) (7)
• First Reformed (2017) (10) beat Skate Kitchen (2018) (3), and Steve Jobs (2015) (3)
• 1917 (2019) (9) beat Sing Street (2016) (6), and Stoker (2013) (6)
• Silence (2016) (14) beat 20th Century Women (2016) (4) and Stray Dogs (2013) (3)
• Sicario (2015) (17) beat Sunset (2017) (3) and 50/50 (2011) (3)
• Shutter Island (2010) (11) beat A Field in England (2013) (5), and Tabu (2012) (2)
• A Ghost Story (2017) (13) beat Short Term 12 (2013) (6), and Tehran Taboo (2017) (1)
• A Separation (2011) (7) tied with Shoplifters (2018) (7), and beat The Act of Killing (2012) (3)
• The American (2010) (8) beat A Silent Voice (2016) (2), and Shin Godzilla (2016) (2)
• The Assassin (2015) (11) beat Shame (2011) (7), and A Star is Born (2018) (5)
• Scott Pilgrim vs the World (2010) (11) beat Ad Astra (2019) (6), and The Avengers (2012) (4)
• The Babadook (2014) (10) beat All is Lost (2013) (7) and Rubber (2010) (4)
• Annihilation (2018) (15) beat Room (2015) (5), and The Babysitter (2017) (2)
• Roma (2018) (12) beat April and the Extraordinary World (2015) (4), and The Conjuring (2013) (3)
• The Big Short (2015) (7) beat Aquarius (2016) (5), and Right Now, Wrong Then (2015) (0)
• Arrival (2016) (16) beat Raw (2016) (3), and The Big Sick (2017) (1)
• Atomic Blonde (2017) (6) beat Rango (2011) (5) and The Captain (2017) (3)
  
• The Ballad of Buster Scruggs (2018) (8) beat Post Tenebras Lux (2012) (3), and Bait (2019) (1)
  
• Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019) (10) beat Barbara (2012) (1), and The Counselor (2013) (1)
  
• The Death of Stalin (2017) (8) beat Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016) (6), and Beasts of No Nation (2015) (3)
  
• Birdman (2014) (7) tied Phoenix (2014) (7) and beat The Double (2013) (2)
  
• Black Swan (2010) (11) beat Phantom Thread (2017) (8), and The Drop (2014) (3)
  
• Blade Runner 2049 (2017) (11) beat The Florida Project (2017) (9), and The House That Jack Built (2018) (2)
  
• The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) (15) beat Blindspotting (2018) (2), and Paddington 2 (2017) (1)
  
• Blue is the Warmest Color (2013) (7) beat Only Lovers Left Alive (2013) (6), and The Great Beauty (2013) (2)
  
• The Handmaiden (2016) (11) beat Bone Tomahawk (2015) (7), and Only God Forgives (2013) (4)
  
• Once Upon a Time....In Hollywood (2019) (15) beat The Hateful Eight (2015) (8), and Bridge of Spies (2015) (4)
  
• Boyhood (2014) (7) beat Once Upon a Time in Anatolia (2011) (5), and The Hollars (2016) (2)
  
• O.J. Made in America (2016) (10) beat Parasite (2019) (9), and Brooklyn (2015) (5)
  
• Nightcrawler (2014) (12) beat Burning (2018) (7), and The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013) (1)
  
• Nebraska (2013) (7) beat The Hunt (2012) (4), and Byzantium (2012) (4)
  
• Mysteries of Lisbon (2010) (4) beat Carlos (2010) (3), and The Imposter (2012) (2)
  
• Carol (2015) (12) beat The Irishman (2019) (6), and mother! (2017) (3)
  
• The Lighthouse (2019) (9) beat Moonrise Kingdom (2012) (8), and Cemetery of Splendour (2015) (4)
  
• Moonlight (2016) (9) beat The Killing of a Sacred Deer (2017) (5), and Chappie (2015) (3)
  
• Molly’s Game (2017) (8) beat Coherence (2013) (7), and Cloud Atlas (2012) (4)
  
• The Master (2012) (11) beat Mission Impossible: Fallout (2018) (6), and The Martian (2015) (5)
  
• Cold War (2018) (5) ties Meek's Cutoff (2010) (5), and beats The Missing Picture (2013) (2)
  
• The Nice Guys (2016) (14) beat Contagion (2011) (5), and Mary Poppins Returns (2018) (2)
  
• Margaret (2011) (9) beat The Place Beyond the Pines (2012) (6), and Creed (2015) (2)
  
• Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) (8) tied with The Raid 2 (2014) (8), and beat Maps to the Stars (2014) (3)
  
• Drive (2011) (17) beat The Revenant (2015) (6), and Mandy (2018) (4)
  
• Django Unchained (2012) (11) beat The Salesman (2016) (3) and Made in Dagenham (2010) (2)
  
• Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) (9) beat Train to Busan (2016) (5), and Diamantino (2018) (1)
  
• Eighth Grade (2018) (5) beat Elle (2016) (4), and Long Way North (2015) (2)
  
• The Turin Horse (2011) (10) beat Logan (2017) (9), and El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie (2019) (0)
  
• The Way Back (2010) (8) beat Locke (2013) (5), and The Tree of Life (2011) (4)
  
• Embrace of the Serpent (2015) (10) beat Little Women (2019) (6), and The Whispering Star (2015) (2)
  
• Enemy (2013) (6) tied with The Wind Rises (2013) (6) and beat Like Someone in Love (2012) (3)
  
• Life of Pi (2012) (9) beat The Witch (2015) (8), and Evangelion 3.0 You Can (Not) Redo (2012) (1)
  
• The Wolf of Wall Street (2013) (7) beat Leave No Trace (2018) (6) and Exit Through the Gift Shop (2010) (3)
  
• Ex Machina (2014) (9) beat Thoroughbreds (2017) (4), and Le Havre (2011) (3)
  
• Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (2017) (13) beat Ladybird (2017) (9), and Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile (2019)
  
• La La Land (2016) (13) beat 13 Assassins (2010) (4), and White Boy Rick (2018) (1)
  

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For context, I (42) F, have 4 children; (21) M, (19) M, (16) M and (7) F. My ex-partner (42) M and I ended our relationship after 18 years together. These years were extremely difficult, filled with his wide range of substance abuse, gambling addiction and domestic abuse/violence of EVERY kind. The man has been arrested and charged with assault on a family member and again arrested and charged with domestic violence while I was pregnant with my daughter. My sons and I even moved out once before I was pregnant with my daughter, and he then followed after he had found himself homeless. My 3 sons have severe traumas from the years of instability in our home.
When my daughter was approximately 18 months old, he spent 6 months in prison for violating his bond conditions. I had called the police after coming home from work, as my middle child had called, alerting me that his father was verbally and emotionally abusing my eldest.
After coming out of prison, it took him 1 week to come and see my children (as binge drinking was a priority that 1st week) and then came to visit them once a month, on average (we lived 5 mins away from his location).
Wanting for my children and I to start a new chapter in our lives, I had made the decision to move several hours away. This would allow us to depart from the cycle of despair and find a way to repair ourselves. This decision was made after witnessing his lack of interest in making amends to my children or make a connection with my daughter. I had received no push back from the decision.
Ex-partner continued to have access to my children anytime he wished. He could visit them, spend time with them or speak to them over the phone, and he did so on occasions.
As time passed, communication decreased. My daughter would ask to speak with him on the phone. He was not always accessible. I was then asked by him to txt him to see if he was available to speak with my daughter prior to simply calling. The reply would at times, take days. When successful at making a phone call, they will generally speak for approximately 15 minutes and then he will want to end the call. He would emotionally blackmail her by suggesting that if she cries everytime he wants to end the call then he will stop calling (although he is never the one initiating contact).
The last time she had asked to speak with him was February, he had never responded. She has not asked if she could call him again.
Approximately 2 weeks later, he contact my children, letting them know he was overseas. At no point in time had he bothered to oet them know he would not be reachable for some time. I was so angry (still am), as a parent, I could never consider leaving the country without informing my children, it just would not happen. The continuous disrespect my children are shown by the person who has the audacity to call themselves their parent astounds me. Not to mention that this person does not pay any form of child support, provide regularly to their children has the funds to travel overseas.
After returning from overseas, he had asked what I was doing for Easter so he could come and spend the day with my daughter and give easter presents as well as the gifts he had brought for my youngest. Not wanting my children to miss out, he was invited for Easter. Knowing that I was going to start considering putting restrictions on coming to my home as his lack of communication with my daughter was starting to really affect her.
Easter came and went without drama, my children were invited to celebrate their grandfather birthday at a lovely restaurant with the rest of their family. After deliberation and confirmation that their father would not be in attendance, my 2 eldest sons chose to attend the festivities. The day before the party, their father informed them that the party was colour themed, and to wear certain colours. My oldest had asked if this meant that he was now going, he confirmed that he would not be going, he was not allowed inside the premises.
My 2nd left shortly after this as he had made plans with friends to go out that night before attending the party the next evening.
The next day, my eldest left early, as it would give him time to shop for appropriate clothing and match the theme.
At around 2 pm, he received a message from his father asking (not really asking) if it would be ok with him if he came to the party, as he and my son are his grandfather's only real family coming tonight and wants to celebrate his father's birthday (his father's actual birthday was days before. He lives with him and was not there). He had told my son that he did not have to tell me or my 2nd oldest that he was coming. My son told him that he didn't care and to leave him alone if he was going to be drinking.
My 2nd oldest was already at his grandparents house as my eldest finally arrived.
While at the restaurant, their father arrived (to the shock of my 2nd oldest, who had no idea his father was going to be present), not alone (another big shock, this time to both of my sons who has no idea, and no warned that their father had someone in their lives). My sons, kept collected, went along with the evening, although obviously incredibly uncomfortable, and said nothing, not bringing attention to themselves, to ensure they would not ruin their grandfather's birthday. Although their father was drinking (moderately, that is a miracle) did not harrass during the evening. He did ask for a picture with my sons, their grandparents, himself and gf. Not wanting to cause a scene (they were not confortable doing this), got the picture done.
The rest of the night was quiet, my sons went home with their grandparents. Their grand-mother gossiped to my sons all about their father and gf (information they really didn't want to know about). Letting my sons know she was the reason why he was overseas, to meet her family and her children, who she is trying to bring to the country.
When my youngest son came home from work that evening, I did let him know what happened (I had yet to be informed as to the reason behind the overseas visit) that his father was in fact in attendance at the party, not alone. He told me that he knew that his dad was there as all the pictures from the party was already circulating social media, but had not seen a picture of someone he did not know until he scrolled and daw the picture of my oldest sons, grandparents, father and her. This is something he wished he had not seen, and although we had a discussion about this topic weeks ago (having had my suspicions for quite some time), he was not ready to have this thrown in his face.
We discussed his feelings and what I was thinking of doing after I spoke with my 2 sons the next day. He felt more settled.
After my sons came home, recounted their days snd night, I has told them that their father would no longer be welcome in this home, and considering going absolutely no contact with anyone under 18.
The continuous disrespect shown to my sons, the boundaries created and simply ignored by their father, only considering his own feelings and expectations, the feeling of rejection my daughter has now started feeling at such a young age is not healthy. I worry for my daughter, I know the feeling of being rejected by a parent is worse than simply not knowing them. It hurts less, causes less damage.
So am I the asshole for considering banning the sperm donor from having contact with my children?
P.S: My sons dont like their father, at all. They are aware that he is a terrible human being. My eldest just ignores him, to keep the peace. My youngest son is of the believe that he might aswell get something out of the relationship (I dont begrudge him)
My 2nd oldest, there are no word to truly describe just how much he despises that man, he stays in his room when he visits, for the sake of my daughter (I cry as I write this, for the pain my son feels, as that man broke my once happy son).
I have told my sons that if they wish to have contact with their father, then I will support them. I will encourage them to build boundaries, and communicate them clearly and what the repercussions would be. That their relationship should be on their terms, and that nobody elses feelings or expectations should be put above theirs including my own or other family members who always feel entitled.
My youngest and oldest sons are the only 2 I had spoken about the possibility of their father having someone in their lives, as their father was brought up in discussion after his Easter visit on those 2 occasions. I had not told my 2nd oldest because his father is not a topic of conversation ever brought up with him. So he was completely blind sided by first his presence and then the fact that he had company.
He does not have parental rights for my 2nd, 3rd or 4th child.

Hare Krishna. This post is to help educate those (some, not all) Smartas and Shaivas who lack knowledge about Hinduism, and who thus spread hatred against Vaishnavas.
Vaishnavas sometimes get attacked because Vaishnava denominations assert a difference between Shiva and Vishnu, and hold the position of Vishnu being greater than Shiva (in some way or another). We get hate by (some, not all) Smartas who think that ALL Hindus MUST hold to Hari-Hara Abheda (Oneness of Shiva and Vishnu), and also by (some, not all) Shaivas who falsely accuse us of hating Shiva. ISKCON especially gets attacked because they have the largest english language global presence among the Vaishnavas.
Criticism is fine, debate is normal, but we Vaishnavas face hatred and vitriol by those uneducated (some, not all) Smartas and Shaivas. We also face the false accusations that ONLY Vaishnavas do this (hold one to be superior to the other), but that is not true at all.
This post will show how a Shaiva Sampradaya, the Veerashaivas, do the exact same thing that Shaivas and Smartas (some, not all) accuse us of : Veerashaivas hold that Shiva is superior to Vishnu.
! Objection : You are using the wrong flair, you must use the criticism flair !
Rebuttal :
This is not a criticism. I am not criticising the Veerashaiva's philosophy. It's perfectly ok for different Hindu denominations to disagree. This post is to educate people that thinking one God is superior to another is perfectly acceptable in Hinduism.
It's an acceptable Hindu position to think that Shiva is superior or to think that Vishnu is superior or to think that neither is superior. All 3 of those positions are acceptable to have in Hinduism. None of them take you out of the Hindu fold. None of these positions is anti-Hindu or hateful.
This post is to educate those Smartas and Shaivas (some, not all), who hate Vaishnavas for holding Vishnu to be superior, who are uneducated that there are Shaivas do the same with Shiva.
This post is to spread knowledge about Hinduism in order to help end the hatred against Vaishnavas.
This post will use the Siddhanta Shikhamani, a Veerashaiva scripture, as evidence.
Note : I am NOT getting into the Veerashaiva vs Lingayata political debate. That is not relevant here. I have not spoken of Lingayatas. I am speaking ONLY of Veerashaivas in this post.
This post will be divided into 4 sections :

1. Acceptance of the Siddhanta Shikhamani by Veerashaivas.
2. Veerashaivsim is the supreme interpretation of the Vedas according to Veerashaivas.
3. Equating of Shiva to the Vedantic Brahman by Veerashaivas.
4. Inferiority of Vishnu according to Veerashaivas.

Let us begin :
(1) Acceptance of the Siddhanta Shikhamani by Veerashaivas :
The Veerashaivas have 5 great peethas (panchapeethas), similar to how Smartas have their different Shankaracharya Mathas. The 5 Veerashaiva peethas are : Kedara, Kashi (Varanasi), Ujjain, Shrishail and Rambhapuri (Balehonnur).
Let's take even just 1 of the 5 peethas. For this example i will use Rambhapuri Peetha.
Source : https://www.rambhapuripeetha.org/
The peetha and it's jagadguru say very very clearly :

All these chronicles were collected by Sri Shivayogi Shivacharya and created the holy Sri Siddhanta Shikhamani Granth. This is the scripture of Veerashaivism today.

And they also say :

It goes without saying that Siddhanta Shikhamani, which is the crowning bead of valorisations, is always universal.

Thus the authenticity of the Siddhanta Shikhamani to the Veerashaivas is established through their own peethas and their own jagadgurus.
(2) Veerashaivsim is the supreme interpretation of the Vedas according to Veerashaivas.
A misconception some people have is that the Veerashaivas are not "Vedic", and that they don't accept accept the Vedas. This is false.
In the Siddhanta Shikhamani the sage Agastya asks Renuka to preach the Siddhanta that is expounded in the text. And in the question Agastya explicitly refers to it as the doctrine that is acceptable to the Vedas :

Hence I would like to hear from you the Siddhänta, which is acceptable to the Vedas. O omniscient one, please tell me the doctrine which is directly associated with Shiva, which is the means for attaining all rewards, which brings immediate achievement for the people, which is resorted to by all the best sages, which is not even smelt by the persons of illconduct, which is accepted by the knowers of Veda

And Renuka explicitly responds as follows, clearly stating that this Siddhanta of Shiva is the fullest following of the Vedas.

O Agastya, who is the lion among the sages and who is well versed in all the Ägamas, I shall tell you the Siddhanta which inculcates the knowledge of Shiva; listen to it with respect.
O Agastya, there are (many) Siddhanta which are well known, which differ according to aptitudes, which are associated with various practices and which propound various tenets.
Sankhya, Yoga, Pancharatra, Vedas and Pashupata, these are the Siddhanta which are quite authoritative and which should not be refuted with arguments.
O Great sage, among these, Sankhya, etc., Veda is predominant. The authoritativeness of these is decidedly on the ground that they follow Veda.
O sage, Pancharatra, Sankhya and Yoga are based on some parts of Veda, while Shaivasiddhanta is based on the entire Veda.
O great sage, compared to Sankhya, etc, which are based on some parts of Veda, the Shaivasiddhanta, which follows the entire Veda, is superior.

It goes onto say Vedas and this Siddhanta are the same doctrine

The Shivagama called Siddhanta is said to be acceptable to Veda because it advocates the Dharma that is taught in Veda and also because it opposes whatever that is outside or unacceptable to Veda.
Veda and Siddhanta are one because they propound the same doctrine. Authoritativeness of the two should always be grasped as similar by the learned.

And finally it talks of how the Veerashaiva doctrine is Supreme.

In the latter part of the great traditional lore called Siddhanta which starts with Kamika and which is taught by Shiva, the supreme doctrine of Veerashaiva is advocated.

Thus it is established that the Veerashaivas accept the Vedas and they they assert that the supreme fullest interpretation of the Vedas is their Veerashaiva philsophy, as indicated by their own scripture.
(3) Equating of Shiva to the Vedantic Brahman by Veerashaivas.
This one is very easy as it is one of the earliest verses in the Siddhanta Shikamani :
It talks of Shiva being the Brahman of the Vedanta

I salute the Supreme Shiva, whom the Vedanta philosophers call as the designation of Brahman and as the source of the world.

(4) Inferiority of Vishnu according to Veerashaivas.
And here we get to the crux of the matter.
It talks about Vishnu becoming bald and suffering 10 births due to insulting the devotees of Shiva

Having done wrong to two of my (Shiva) devotees called Bhagu and Shankukarna, Visnu became bald and suffered ten births (incarnations).

It talks about Vishnu being defeated by a devotee of Shiva (not even Shiva himself) and having his Sudarshana Chakra broken

Having fought against my (Shiva) devotee Dadhéca, in the past, Visnu suffered defeat with his disc having been broken.

And here references are made to the births of Vishnu, just so you are clear that it is talking about the same Vishnu, and that he is tormented under material afflictions and birth and death. This is indicative of Jeeva.

The great Visnu who took birth in the forms of fish., tortoise, boar, man-lion and man, suffered death.
Having been born in the castes such as Brahmana, etc., the being is tormented repeatedly by the heat of the great fire in the form of threefold afflictions.

Here again it talks of how affluences of Vishnu and Brahma are subject to waning and waxing, in other words they are subject to Samsara, they are NOT eternal. This is also indicative of Jeeva.

The Veeramaheshwara always considers with reason the affluences of Brahma, Visnu, etc., which are subject to waning and waxing, as similar to a straw of grass.

Here it talks of how Brahma and Visnu cannot understand Shiva

Who can understand that Linga (Shiva) which is of the nature of lustre and which even Brahma and Visnu could not decipher?

It talks about Vishnu and Brahman and Mahalakshmi and others serving Shiva.

Brahma, Visnu, Indra, etc., who had formed into rows adorning themselves with weapons, served all around him (Shiva), who had the authority of world-creation.
Mahalakshmi held for him (Shiva) the white umbrella which was of the form of white lotus, which was bright and which resembled the full moon.

So lets summarise this section :

1. Vishnu was cursed by Shiva
2. Vishnu suffered torment of material afflictions
3. Vishnu suffered 10 births and deaths
4. Vishnu was defeated and had is chakra broken by Shiva's devotee (not even by Shiva himself)
5. Vishnu's affluence are waxing and waning like a staw of grass, so they are NOT eternal.
6. Vishnu cannot understand Shiva
7. Vishnu serves Shiva

Birth, death, suffering, torment, defeats, temporary and not eternal affluence, lack of understanding, these are all indicative of Samsara, indicative of Jeevas and NOT of God.
Thus it is clear that the Veerashaivas think of Vishnu as inferior to Shiva, as a Jeeva, and even cursed by Shiva.
Note : Even just 1 or 2 of these points would be sufficient to establish that the Veerashaivas think of Vishnu as inferior to Shiva. So if there is any Veerashaiva (or anyone else) who disagrees with me, then please feel free to refute all 7 points using the Siddhanta Shikamani. I would be glad for any debate or knowledge sharing.
Conclusion :
I hope this shows people that difference between Shiva and Vishnu, superiority of one over the other, is also an acceptable position to hold in Hinduism, both among Vaishnavas AND among Shaivas as well.
Let's all learn to accept diversity of philosophy within the Sanatana Dharma.
Let's all learn to not spread hatred and vitriol against Vaishnavas or Shaivas, just because someone asserts that Vishnu or Shiva is superior to the other.
Let's all learn to not hate people who assert a difference between Shiva and Vishnu (in some way or another)
Let's all remember that : It's an acceptable Hindu position to think that Shiva is superior or to think that Vishnu is superior or to think that neither is superior. All 3 of those positions are acceptable to have in Hinduism. None of them take you out of the Hindu fold.
Hare Krishna.

Just spent the last several hours writing this for myself in preparation for teaching Sunday School this upcoming Sunday. Thought I'd share it here too for anyone interested. (I didn't cite my outside sources, besides scriptures, because I was just writing these notes for myself. But it pulls from various places of research that I can point you to if interested, especially from Scripture Central.)

Mosiah 11-17: Abinadi

Abinadi has a tremendous impact on the rest of the Book of Mormon and the religious history of the Nephites and Lamanites. He converted Alma the Elder, whose personal ministry and the ministries of his descendants (Alma the Younger, Helaman, Shiblon, Corianton, Helaman II, Nephi II, Lehi, Nephi III, Timothy, Jonas, Nephi IV, Amos the Elder, Amos the Younger, Ammaron) convert 1000s to the gospel, and lead the Church all the way to the visitation of Christ to the Americas and afterwards until Mormon.
In the order it is presented (shortly after Mosiah 1-6), we see a direct parallel between:

• King Benjamin (reign ended in 130 BC) of Zarahemla as a righteous king who labored with his own hands (and not off the work of his people) and taught them in the ways of righteousness; and
• King Noah (died sometime between 145-122 BC) of Shilom as a wicked king who exploited labor and wealth from his people and taught them wickedness.

Mormon, when abridging the Record of Zeniff, frames the story of King Noah of Shilom and Abinadi specifically as a parallel to Pharaoh of Egypt (another wicked king) and Moses.

Mosiah 11:1-19

Pharaoh & Moses	Noah & Abinadi
Pharaoh, as a new king, moves away from the traditions of his father (Ex. 1:8)	King Noah does not walk in the ways of his father (Mosiah 11:1-2)
Pharaoh subjects the Jews (Ex. 1:13-14)	King Noah subjects his people (Mosiah 11:1-15)
Pharaoh installs wise men and sorcerers (Ex. 7:11)	King Noah installs wicked priests (Mosiah 11:5)

Note that the emphasis of "one fifth part" in v. 3 is repeated five times: an instance of "thematic repetition", a Hebraism that is meant to emphasize a specific theme. In this case, it emphasizes the heaviness of the burden placed on the people that this 20% net worth tax represented.
According to the Law of Moses, there was only supposed to be one high priest (Leviticus 21:10). However, v. 11 says that Noah had consecrated "high priests"; he was abusing and corrupting the Law of Moses for his benefit and the benefit of his friends.

Mosiah 11:20-25

Abinadi, "a man among them" (someone who lived among them), then comes forth to prophesy and preach against the people. He has clearly, with direction from the Lord, prepared a specific statement that is supposed to preached. This preparation is evident in its chiasmic form:

• A. Behold, thus saith the Lord, and thus hath he commanded me, saying, Go forth, and say unto this people, thus saith the Lord—Wo be unto this people,
  • B. for I have seen their abominations, and their wickedness, and their whoredoms;
    • C. and except they repent I will visit them in mine anger.
    • C. Yea, and it shall come to pass that when they shall cry unto me I will be slow to hear their cries; yea, and I will suffer them that they be smitten by their enemies. And except they repent in sackcloth and ashes, and cry mightily to the Lord their God,
  • B. I will not hear their prayers, neither will I deliver them out of their afflictions;
• A. and thus saith the Lord, and thus hath he commanded me.

The beginning and end of his message are also filled with prophetic speech forms common throughout the Old Testament and recognized by those familiar with Hebrew culture or descending from Hebrew culture (like the people of Shilom):

• "Thus saith the Lord" (Messenger Form)
• "Thus hath he commanded me, saying" (Revelation Form)
• "Go forth, and say unto this people, thus saith the Lord" (Messenger Form)
• "Wo be unto this people" (Woe Oracle)

After this initial message is delivered, we then see more parallels (purposely framed by the abridger, Mormon) between Moses and Abinadi:

Pharaoh & Moses	Noah & Abinadi
Moses initially flees for his life since Pharaoh seeks to slay him (Ex. 2:15)	Abinadi initially escapes when the people and King Noah seek to slay him (Ex. Mosiah 11:26,28)
Pharaoh rejects the Lord's authority, saying, "Who is the Lord..." (Ex. 5:2)	King Noah rejects the Lord's authority, saying, "Who is the Lord..."
Pharaoh hardens his heart (Ex. 7:13, JST)	King Noah hardens his heart (Mosiah 11:29)
Moses is commanded by the Lord to return from exile and preach to Pharaoh (Ex. 7:1-2)	Abinadi is commanded to return from exile and preach to the people (Mosiah 12:1)

Mosiah 12:1-17

After two years, Abinadi returns to the city by commandment of the Lord to preach unto the people. There is a possibility that he returned to preach specifically at the celebration of Pentecost. The Pentecost was, prior to the New Testament, a Jewish yearly celebration of the giving of the Ten Commandments to Moses and the chidlren of Israel. Such a gathering would have given Abinadi an audience for his preaching, and its themes align with the themes of Abinadi's message (as we will see).
We start by illustrating more parallels between Moses and Abinadi:

Pharaoh & Moses	Noah & Abinadi
Upon returning to Pharoah, Moses prophesies of and delivers a series of plagues (including famine, pestilence, hail, fire, insects) unless Pharaoh repents (Ex. 7-10)	Upon returning to Shilom, Abinadi prophesies of a series of plagues (including famine, pestilence, hail, fire, insects) unless the people repent (Mosiah 12:1-8)
Because of the afflictions, Pharoah will eventually acknowledge the Lord (Ex. 7:5,17)	Because of the afflictions, King Noah will eventually acknowledge the Lord (Mosiah 12:3)
Moses challenges the wise men and sorcerers of Pharaoh (Ex. 7:8-12)	Abinadi challenges the wicked priests of King Noah (Mosiah 12:25-29)

Again, this language is filled with strong prophetic speech forms, this time a Hebraism known as the "simile curse". For example, "the life of king Noah shall be valued even as a garment in a hot furnace" (v. 3).

Mosiah 12:18 - 13:26

Just as Moses challenged the power, knowledge, and authority of the wise men and sorcerers of Pharaoh, Abinadi directly challenges the power, knowledge, and authority of the wicked priests of King Noah.
The ordeal is started when, after being imprisoned for his prophecies against the people, the priests of King Noah tell the king to bring Abinadi before him so that they may question him. Their questioning starts by quoting Isaiah 52:7-10 to Abinadi, and asking him what those words mean:
"How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings; that publisheth peace; that bringeth good tidings of good; that publisheth salvation; that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth;
Thy watchmen shall lift up the voice; with the voice together shall they sing; for they shall see eye to eye when the Lord shall bring again Zion;
Break forth into joy; sing together ye waste places of Jerusalem; for the Lord hath comforted his people, he hath redeemed Jerusalem;
The Lord hath made bare his holy arm in the eyes of all the nations, and all the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God?"
Why these words? The people of Zeniff (the generation before the people of King Noah) left the land of Zarahemla to return back up to the land of Nephi – Shilom was in the mountains and hills, as compared to where they had lived before. In essence, these wicked priests were saying, "Why are you preaching that we are a wicked people when the scriptures call our feet beautiful? We are preaching good tidings unto the people – we teach them the law of Moses. Why all of this doom-and-gloom that you preach? You are clearly in the wrong for calling us to repentance."
Abinadi then begins his challenge: "Are you priests, and pretend to teach this people, and to understand the spirit of prophesying, and yet desire to know of me what these things mean?" (12:25). This then becomes the theme of his challenge to them: the priests do not understand the scriptures, especially the Law of Moses, and Abinadi is going to explain the scriptures and the law of Moses to them.
He asks them, "What teach ye this people?" (12:27).
They answer, "The Law of Moses" (12:28). Again, Moses and the law given to him are a theme of this interaction between Abinadi and the priests of King Noah. In total, the name "Moses" is used 16 times from Mosiah 12:28-16:15, 15 of which are by Abinadi and 1 of which is by the abridger, Mormon.
Abinadi replies, "If ye teach the law of Moses, why do ye not keep it?" (12:29) and then proceeds to list their sins, especially pride, wealth-seeking, sexual immorality, and leading the people astray.
Abinadi then challenges them again: "And what know ye concerning the law of Moses? Doth salvation come by the law of Moses? What say ye?" (12:31).
The priests respond that salvation does come by the law of Moses.
Abinadi then says, "I know if ye keep the commandments of God ye shall be saved; yea, if ye keep the commandments which the Lord delivered unto Moses in the mount of Sinai, saying..." (12:33) and then quotes two of the Ten Commandments. If Abinadi came at the time of Pentecost, then this is the exact occasion these people are celebrating: the time when the Lord delivered unto Moses the commandments at Sinai. Thus, Abinadi would be referencing the festival, in essence, saying, "Don't you remember the whole point of this party you are throwing right now? You are forgetting why we have this festival in the first place."
The king then, being angry with Abinadi, tells his priests to slay Abinadi, but Abinadi withstands them, saying, "Touch me not, for God shall smite you if ye lay your hands upon me, for I have not delivered the message which the Lord sent me to deliver; neither have I told you that which ye requested that I should tell [referring to the requested interpretation of Isaiah 52:7-10]; therefore, God will not suffer that I shall be destroyed at this time" (13:3).
Then, Mormon records that "the people of king Noah durst not lay their hands on [Abinadi], for the Spirit of the Lord was upon him; and his face shone with exceeding luster, even as Moses' did while in the mount of Sinai, while speaking with the Lord" (13:5). (Again, this is a powerful and divine reference to the events being celebrated at the Pentecost festival. Now, it isn't just Abinadi or Mormon drawing the parallels to Moses: God Himself, by resting that light upon Abinadi, is writing the parallel.)
And with power and authority, he then reads to them "the remainder of the [ten] commandments of God". The Ten Commandments "are not written in [the priests'] hearts", because instead of studying and teaching the scriptures as they ought to have been, they "have studied and taught iniquity the most part of [their] lives" (13:11).
Once more, we see more parallels between Moses and Abinadi:

Pharaoh & Moses	Noah & Abinadi
Moses' face shines when he came down from Sinai with the two tables of testimony from the Lord for the people of Israel (Ex. 34:29-30)	Abinadi's face shines as he delivers his message to King Noah and his priests (Mosiah 13:5)
The people of Israel are afraid to approach Moses because his face shines (Ex. 34:30)	The priests of King Noah are afraid to lay their hands on him because of his words and because his face shines (Mosiah 13:5)
Moses delivers the Ten Commandments (Ex. 20, 34)	Abinadi delivers the Ten Commandments (Mosiah 12:35-36, 13:12-24)
Moses speaks to a stiff-necked people (Ex. 32:9)	Abinadi speaks to a stiff-necked people (Mosiah 13:29)

Abinadi finishes delivering the Ten Commandments by saying, "Have ye taught this people that they should observe to do all these things for to keep these commandments? I say unto you, Nay" (13:25-26).

Mosiah 13:27-35

Abinadi then starts to lay the seeds that connect the law of Moses (and perhaps the Pentecost festival) and the passages from Isaiah he was asked about earlier. After reciting to them the Law of Moses, he reminds the priests of their earlier statement that salvation comes by the law of Moses:
"And now ye have said that salvation cometh by the law of Moses [part of which he just read to them]; I say unto you that it is expedient that ye should keep the law of Moses as yet; but I say unto you that the time shall come when it shall no more be expedient to keep the law of Moses.
And moreover, I say unto you, that salvation doth not come by the law alone; and were it not for the atonement which God himself shall make for the sins and iniquities of his people that they must unavoidably perish, notwithstanding the law of Moses" (13:27-28)
In addition to the Ten Commandments, the Law of Moses required a series of strict ordinances, rituals, and observances that had to be kept strictly. One of these was the atonement sacrifice: a person would present a sacrificial animal, one without blemish, to be killed; the animal symbolically took the sins of the person and was killed on their behalf, reconciling the individual back to Jehovah. The person made an atonement sacrifice.
Therefore, Abinadi is saying that this strict law means nothing, unless God Himself offers an atoning sacrifice, something that is so great it will cover the sins of all his people, not just one person and not just for one sin but for all sins.
In Abinadi's words, the law of Moses and all its ordinances "were types of things to come" (13:31): they were a symbol pointing forward to the great atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ.
He then says that the children of Israel and the Jews in Jerusalem did also not understand the law "and this because of the hardness of their hearts" (13:32), implying that the priests of King Noah also do not understand the Law of Moses.
"For behold, did not Moses prophecy unto them concerning the coming of the Messiah, and that God should redeem his people? Yea, and even all the prophets who have prophesied ever since the world began–have they not spoken more or less concerning these things?
Have they not said that God himself should come down amng the children of men, and take upon him the form of man, and go forth in mighty power upon the face of the earth?
Yea, and have they not said also that he should bring to pass the resurrection of the dead, and that he, himself, should be oppressed and afflicted?" (13:33-35).

Mosiah 14 - 15:31

Now Abinadi starts to turn back more directly to answer the previous question posed by the priests concerning the meaning of Isaiah 52:7-10. Of course, what is a great technique for understanding a passage? You look at its context. So, what does Abinadi do to explain the meaning of Isaiah 52? He recites to them the content of Isaiah 53, a Messianic prophecy:
"Yea, even doth not Isaiah say: Who hath believed our report, and to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed?
For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of dry ground; he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him there is no beauty that we should desire him.
He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
All we, like sheep, have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquities of us all.
He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb so he opened not his mouth.
He was taken from prison and from judgment; and who shall declare his generation? For he was cut off out of the land of the living; for the transgressions of my people was he stricken.
And he made his grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death; because he had done no evil, neither was any deceit in his mouth.
Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him; he hath put him to grief; when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.
He shall see the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied; by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many; for he shall bear their iniquities.
Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong; because he hath poured out his soul unto death; and he was numbered with the transgressors; and he bore the sins of many, and made intercession for the transgressors." (Mosiah 14)
He then, in beautiful language, explains Isaiah 53 by:

• expounding on the relationship between the Father and the Son (15:1-5);
• explaining that the Son will be, as Isaiah said, oppressed and afflicted (15:5) and led "as a sheep before the shearer is dumb so he opened not his mouth" (15:6) and slain (15:7) so that death and iniquity may be defeated.

He then, echoing the words of Isaiah in Chapter 53, asks, "Who shall declare his generation?" and answers his own question and, simultaneously, the priests' question concerning Isaiah 52:
"All the holy prophets who have prophesied concerning the coming of the Lord... all those who have hearkened unto their words, and beleived that the Lord would redeem his people, and have looked forward to that day for a remission of their sins... the prophets, every one that has opened his mouth to prophesy, that has not fallen into transgression, I mean all the holy prophets ever since the world began...
These are they who have published peace, who have brought good tidings of good, who have published salvation; and said unto Zion: Thy God reigneth!
And O how beautiful upon the mountains were their feet!
And again, how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of those that are still publishing peace!
And again, how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of those who shall hereafter publish peace, yea, from this time henceforth and forever!
And behold, I say unto you, this is not all. For O how beautiful upon the mountains are **the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that is the founder of peace, yea, even the Lord, who has redeemed his people; yea, him who has granted salvation unto his people" (Mosiah 15:11-18).
In other words, Abinadi is refuting their interpretation of Isaiah 52: these verses aren't about them; they are about Christ and all those who preach and follow Christ.
He then expounds on what "the salvation of our God" (Isaiah 52:10) actually is: that Christ "has broken the bands of death" (Mosiah 15:23) and "all those that have believed in [the words of the prophets], or all those that have kept the commandments of God, shall come forth in the first resurrection" (Mosiah 15:22).
But, salvation does not come to those "that rebel against him and die in their sins", those "that have wilfully rebelled against God, that have known the commandments of God, and would not keep them; these are they that have no part int the first resurrection" (15:26); in other words, the exact type of people that King Noah and his priests are: people who know the law and who should know better. This is why Abinadi then challenges them and says, "Therefore ought ye not to tremble?" because they know, as he does, that they are wilfully rebelling against God.
Then, to tie it all back together, he connects his words to Isaiah 52:8-10:
"...the time shall come that the salvation of the Lord shall be declared to every nation, kindred, tongue, and people.
Yea, Lord, thy watchmen shall lift up their voice; with the voice together shall they sing; for they shall see eye to eye, when the Lord shall bring again Zion.
Break forth into joy, sing together, ye waste places of Jerusalem; for the Lord hath comforted his people, he hath redeemed Jerusalem.
The Lord hath made bare his holy arm in the eyes of all the nations; and all the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God." (Mosiah 15:28-31)

Mosiah 16:1-15

After quoting to them again the words of Isaiah 52, he repeats the last idea of Isaiah's words to them:
"The time shall come when all shall see the salvation of the Lord; when every nation, kindred, tongue, and people shall see eye to eye and shall confess before God that his judgments are just." (16:2)
He then expounds upon the state of the wicked after death, teaches the Fall of Adam and Eve, and the necessity of the Redemption and Resurrection of Christ; that is, he concludes his challenge and sermon to the priests by teaching them the Plan of Salvation.
A defining feature of this sermon is that Abinadi speaks "of things to come as though they had already come" (16:6); that is, he speaks in the present or past tense about future events (e.g., the redemption, the resurrection, etc.). This is another powerful Hebraic prophetic speech form, known as the "prophetic perfect tense"; it is used by many Old Testament prophets when they speak of future events. Why? Because having received revelation concerning those events, their faith and knowledge of such events is as plain as if it already has happened to them. To them, Jesus might as well have already come, that is how real His Atonement is to them. That aspect of the future is just as matter of fact as the present or past.
Finally, Abinadi ties it all back together to the big theme: the priests do not understand, teach, or live according to the Law of Moses, and unless they repent, they will not be saved by the redemption of Christ.
"And now, ought ye not to tremble and repent of your sins, and remember that only in and through Christ ye can be saved?
Therefore, if ye teach the law of Moses, also teach that it is a shadow of those things which are to come–
Teach them that redemption cometh through Christ the Lord, who is the very Eternal Father. Amen." (16:13-15)

Mosiah 17:1-20

Abinadi's sermon has a lasting impact on one of the high priests, Alma, who believes Abinadi's words and pleads with the king to not be angry with Abinadi and let him depart in peace. (Again, the impact of Abinadi's sermon cannot be understated: Alma becomes the righteous leader of the Church, authorized with the priesthood to perform ordinances and set apart other leaders in the Church. His descendants are consistently those that lead the Nephites in the ways of the Lord until and after the coming of Christ.)
King Noah casts out Alma, who flees so that he will not be slain. It is because of Alma that we have this record of Abinadi at all, as he is the one who "did write all the words which Abinadi had spoken" (17:4).
King Noah then casts Abinadi into prison (seeing as how he had finished his message) for three days. (Notably, the length of the Pentecost Festival is also three days.)
After counseling with his priests, King Noah has Abinadi brought before them to stand trial. The priests have found a way, under the Law of Moses, to condemn Abinadi to death: they accuse him of blasphemy, which, under the Law of Moses, is punishable by death (Leviticus 24:11-16).
"Abinadi, we have found an accusation against thee, and thou art worthy of death. For thou hast said that God himself should come down among the children of men; and now, for this cause thou shalt be put to death unless thou wilt recall all the words which thou hast spoken evil concerning me and my people." (17:7-8)
Notice that the condition of Abinadi's acquittal is not that he repeal the words he said about God; the priests don't actually care about that trumped up charge. They instead care about the curses he has placed on them and prophesied of them, that they will be scourged, and plagued, and burned, etc. The ancient people took curses very seriously, and if Abinadi had the power to place a curse, only he could repeal it.
He refutes them once more: "I will not recall the words which I have spoken unto you, concerning this people, for they are true; and that ye may know of their surety I have suffered myself that I have fallen into your hands. Yea, and I will suffer even until death, and I will not recall my words, and they shall stand as a testimony against you. And if ye slay me ye will shed innocent blood, and this shall also stand as a testimony against you at the last day" (17:9-10).
This strikes fear into the heart of King Noah. He knows that the charges of blasphemy are false, and that if he goes through with this, it will be murder, "for he feared that the judgments of God would come upon him" (17:11).
However, the priests then quickly come up with another charge: "He has reviled the king" (17:12). This is the charge they will put him to death for, for speaking ill of the king. And King Noah acquiesces, is stirred up in anger against Abinadi and orders him to be killed.
The priests then take Abinadi, bind him, scourge him with faggots (bundles of wood to be burned), and scorch him with fire. Notice here, once more, the references to the story of Moses: because Abinadi preached to them using the Law of Moses, and shone like Moses, and spoke of Moses to testify of their iniquities, (and all possibly during the Pentecost celebration) they place him in a burning bush.
As the flames scorch him, Abinadi solidifies the curse and prophesies that, just as he is killed, so will the king die too: "And in that day ye shall be hunted, and ye shall be taken by the hand of your enemies, and then ye shall suffer, as I suffer, the pains of death by fire" (17:18). This prophesy later comes true, as King Noah is hunted and burned "unto death by fire" (Mosiah 19:20). This represents the final comparison between Moses' story and Abinadi's story:

Pharaoh & Moses	Noah & Abinadi
Just as Pharaoh had the sons of the Hebrews cast into the river to drown (Ex. 1:22), he and his army drowned in the depths of the Red Sea (Ex. 14:27-8).	Just as King Noah burned Abinadi alive (Mosiah 17:14-20), he was killed through death by fire (Mosiah 19:20).

Abinadi then exclaims, "O God, receive my soul," and dies, "because he would not deny the commandments of God, having sealed the truth of his words by his death" (Mosiah 17:20).

Abinadi: A Type and Shadow himself of Christ

Abinadi preached that the Law of Moses was a type and shadow of Christ. It's not hard to see that Abinadi's own death was also a type and shadow of Christ:

Abinadi's death	Christ's death
Abinadi testified to the wicked high priests of Shilom of their iniquities.	Christ testified to the wicked priests of the Jews of their iniqiuities.
Abinadi is placed on trial and accused of blasphemy for preaching that God would come down among the children of men.	Christ is placed on trial and accused of blapshemy for preaching that He is God, and He came down among the children of men.
Abinadi is almost released by King Noah, out of fear of the consequences.	Christ is almost released by Pilate, out of fear of the consequences.
The priests convinced King Noah to kill him anyways.	The people (and priests in particular) convinced Pilate to deliver Christ to be killed.
Abinadi is scourged and beaten prior to his death.	Christ is scourged and beaten prior to his death.
Abinadi seals the truth of his words by his death.	Christ seals the truth of his words by his death (Hebrews 9:16-17).

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