Birthday poems for a man
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2024.05.15 08:29 OkWorld180 Pandit Samarth Swami Ramdas and Shivaji Maharaj.
 | Samarth Ramdas, the guru of Shivaji Maharaj, advocated a combination of devotion, meditation and military training. Like many of his contemporaries, he did not believe in pacifism, but he believed in social, political and martial activism. According to him, even saints and other renunciants should not withdraw from society or become indifferent to their environment and surroundings but positively engage in reforming the lives of the members of the society actively and, if necessary, even take to violence for its moral transformation. submitted by OkWorld180 to Brahmanraaj [link] [comments] Shree Samarth Guru Ramdas Swami was a sage of the highest order known for his knowledge of the Parbrahma, his unflinching worship, his unparalleled status as a Guru, his literature, and the tremendous adulation he received from the masses not only during his time but even now. He was born in a village, Jamb, to Suryaji and Ranoobai Thosar. His original name was Narayan. He lost his father at the age of eight, which turned him into an introvert. He became spiritual at a tender age. Then, at the age of 12 years, Bhagwan Sri Ram himself appeared in front of him and advised him to count the 13-lettered Ram tarak Mantra 108 times at least once a day. Then, Bhagwan Sri Ram is said to have accepted him as his own disciple. The former gave him a new name by which he has been known ever since- Ramdas. Such a thing had never happened ever since Bhagwan Sri Ram, who was an incarnation of Bhagwan Vishnu, had left his mortal body thousands of years ago. In his adolescent years, he decided not to get married and went to the holy city, Nasik, where he started his worship of Bhagwan Sri Ram which lasted for 12 years. He did it the hard way, many times remaining without food or water for days together. Every millisecond of this time he spent in the worship of Bhagwan Sri Ram. During this time he was constantly guided from within by Hanuman, the greatest disciple of Bhagwan Sri Ram. After 12 years of extensive Sadhana, he got the blessings of Bhagwan Sri Ram again, and through him, he also got real knowledge. Then, he embarked on a pilgrimage to most of the holy places of India, which he completed in 12 years. During this time, he travelled barefoot. After finishing the pilgrimage, he went back to Mahabaleshwar. Then, at Masur, he celebrated the birthday of Bhagwan Sri Ram, wherein thousands of people took part in religious activities. He started gathering people around him, which was essential for his ultimate goal of establishing the Hindu Dharma in its original form, which was in a shambles because of hundreds of years of Muslim rule in the country. Next year, he found the statues of Bhagwan Sri Ram in the deep waters of the Krishna river near Angapur. He built a temple at Chafal and installed it ceremoniously according to the Hindu tradition. He celebrated the birthday of Bhagwan Sri Ram that year at the newly built temple. Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj, who had spent his whole life fighting foreign Muslim rulers, Shree Shivaji Maharaj, requested Shree Samarth to accept him as his disciple and knowing him thoroughly well, Shree Samarth immediately consented. Shree Shivaji Maharaj, from this time onwards, always took Shree Samarth’s advice in all the important matters. Then Shree Shivaji Maharaj, as a token of respect towards the Guru, offered Shree Samarth his whole kingdom, saying that he would look after it as only a caretaker, but it would belong to Shree Samarth. Shree Samarth was moved by this gesture and praised Shree Shivaji Maharaj but told him that anyhow, he himself, as Parbrahma, was the Atman in Shree Shivaji Maharaj, and hence, this wasn’t required at all. Meanwhile, according to the wishes of Shree Samarth, 11 temples of Sri Hanuman had been established, and the Head Pujaris were appointed. Shree Samarth then went to Jamb as his mother had passed away. After returning back, he went to Karnataka on a Dharmic renaissance mission. On his way to Karnataka, he established a Math in Miraj and appointed a woman disciple, Venabai, as the head Priestess. On reaching Tanjavar, he was received by Vyankojiraje, the King of Tanjavar. He also told Shree Samarth of his desire to become his disciple, to which Shree Samarth consented. At Tanjavar, one of the very revered religious figures, Pundit Raghunath, also became the disciple of Shree Samarth. After coming back to Sajjangad, Shree Samarth started writing his epic, “Dasbodha”. He also established a temple of the Goddess at the Pratap Fort. Shivaji Maharaj used to visit him frequently for advice, and seeing this disciple’s qualities, Shree Samarth told him the crux of the ultimate knowledge that one has to acquire to merge with the Parbrahma. He then completed the remaining chapters of the Dasbodha. After the death of Shivaji Maharaj, he wrote a letter to the heir to the throne, Sambhaji (Shivaji’s son), which is considered a milestone by even today’s political scientists. With his job of the Hindu renaissance done, Shree Samarth left his mortal body and finally united with the Parbrahma, ending a life which was so multifaceted that without his mention, almost no field can be considered as complete. He left his mortal body at Sajjangad at the age of 73 years. He preached activism for both the saints and the laity and upheld the view that laziness leads to temporary, ephemeral pleasures, but hard work leads to perennial happiness. He encouraged the youth to revolt individually and collectively against the prevalent ills in society, such as oppressors, aggressors, and looters. He cajoled them to exercise regularly and become physically strong, as the weak are incapable of purging the evils from society. He argued that only the strong and those with a fighting spirit would be able to establish the rule of Dharma or righteousness. They alone can perform their duty towards society, its culture and values and gladly accept martyrdom if need be. The aim of the army of such a youth would be to establish a free and independent society, ‘not for narrow selfish individual gains but for upholding the moral and spiritual principles of society’. These teachings were based on his observations of the conditions, lifestyle and mindset of the then-Bharatiya society. After attaining his emancipation, Sant Ramdas undertook extensive travels to various pilgrimage centres all over India for twelve years. During these travels, he closely studied the social, political and economic conditions of Indians and noticed their utter helplessness in life. He observed that ‘the frequent floods and famines and the attacks by the Muslims whenever they wished, which were actually helped by our own people, had destroyed the society and social life of the people. Everyone was scared and depressed. From his experiences, he realised that there could be no healthy growth and return of Dharma in society until foreign rule persisted. Based on these experiences, he wrote two books, titled Asmani Sultani and Parachakraniroopan, detailing his minute observations about the common man. These are the only two books in the whole of Sant literature in India which describe and record the condition of the people in those times. It is reported in Panjah Sakhian and Ramdas Swamichi Bakhar that during his travel through the Garhwal hills, he met the sixth of the ten Sikh Gurus, Shri Guru Hargobind Sahib. In his conversation with the Guru, Ramdas asked, “I had heard that you occupy Guru Nanak’s gaddi (seat). Guru Nanak was a sadhu who had left all material things, a saint who had renounced the world. You possess arms and keep an army and horses. You allow yourself to be addressed as Sacha Patshah, the true king. What sort of a sadhu are you?” Hargobind replied, “Batan faquiri, zahir amiri, shastar garib ki rakhya, jarwan ki bhakhiya, Baba Nanak sansar nahi tyagya, maya tyagi thi.” In other words, “Internally a hermit and externally a prince; arms for the protection of the poor and destruction of the tyrant; Baba Guru Nanak had not renounced the world but renounced maya (wealth/luxury).” It is claimed that these words of Guru Hargobind earned a spontaneous response from Ramdas, who reportedly said, “Yeh hamare man bhavti hai” (This appeals to my mind).” The above meeting is probably the reason Swami Ramdas highlighted the warrior’s role in society. When he finally settled down in Chafal, he engaged himself in the resuscitation of Hindu culture and values, which had deteriorated owing to several centuries of foreign rule. To bring together the Hindus and spread his teaching among them, he installed a statue of Shri Ram and started celebrating the festival of Ram Janmotsava (birth of Bhagwan Ram) on Ram Navami. He established temples of Hanuman in towns and villages to convey the importance of exercise to the youth and taught them to get together and fight the enemy. He firmly believed that whenever the nation is in peril and the cultural, moral and ethical values of its people are in grave danger of extinction, spiritual leaders must put their spiritual aspirations and individual effort of personal salvation on the back burner. Till the time such threats are over, they should direct all their efforts to meet the challenges confronting the nation. He started Samartha, a sect of sannyasins with high moral character and no personal ambition. These sannyasins had an intense desire to change the prevailing conditions of society through political and belligerent means. They were first answerable to God, and then to the society or their nation. He argued that “saints were not those who prayed silently but those who with their piety, knowledge and strength would cast aside their aloofness and help people in distress”. He established mathas or holy places for them. These mathas provided an atmosphere which synthesised social work, politics and spirituality for the benefit of society. Samarth Guru Ramdas worked actively for the equality of all – men and women. He abhorred the distinctions based on caste and creed and vigorously engaged himself in the task of abolishing the fourfold classification. He reprimanded those who opposed the participation of women in religious, social and political work. He chided such men by arguing that everyone came from a woman’s womb, and those who did not understand the importance of this were unworthy of being called men. He upheld that respecting the role of women and giving them equal status was good for the growth of a healthy society. According to him, granting women equal status as men is a prerequisite for social development. In the mathas established by him he encouraged the participation of women and offered them positions of authority. Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj was one of his ardent disciples. Shivaji wanted to leave his kingdom and devote himself fully to the service of Swami Ramadas. Once, when Ramadas was on his regular begging sprees, Shivaji dropped a letter in Ramdas’s begging bowl, giving his kingdom to Samarth Ramdas. However, Ramdas told Shivaji that his duty was not to become a sanyasi but to serve the people, rule his kingdom according to Dharma, and protect temples and people from the atrocities of foreign rulers. He asked Shivaji to rule as his regent, to take the gerua chaddar for his banner and defend its honour with his life. He had to think of himself as a trustee and not as an owner. For his acts of commission and omission, he was accountable to God. Shivaji, as a faithful disciple, took the padukas (slippers) of Samarth Ramdas, kept them on the throne, and followed his instructions to the core. |
2024.05.15 08:22 ArthRol Impressions on two rather overlooked George Orwell's novels - 'Keep the Aspidistra Flying' (1936) and 'Coming up for air' (1939)
Naturally, I came to know Orwell with 1984, which I read roughly three years ago in a Russian translation. I was at my humble beggining in discovering literature, and the book impressed my chiefly trough its deep theoretical base, the atmosphere of utter lack of hope and ingenious terms such as 'doublethink' - anyway, you probably know what I am talking about
Yet it was only much later that I read his other literary works - namely, those indicated in the title. There, I discovered Orwell as a great analytic of human psychology, an inventive storyteller. Both novels have a bleak atmosphere with a bit of dark humor and somewhat foreshadow themes that would appear in 1984.
In Keep the Aspidistra Flying, Orwell depicts a peculiar intellectual named Gordon Constock, almost thirty and "already moth-eaten." The gist is that he refused his status and prospects of a "good job" in order to avoid being subservient to "the Money God" - that is, he lowers himself on the social scale, living in self-imposed penury, working in a bookshop. Generally, this Gordon would seem like an off-putting person, constantly frustrated, whining and complaining, raving about the 'end of civilization', a little bit sexist, and a great deal pessimist. The reader is plunged into his interior monologue and obsessive thoughts, which are captivating to follow. The plot revolves around his fight with the Consumerist system - however, as you might have guessed, he is not a valliant knight in shining armor, but rather a vain nihilist with questionable worldview. This affects the relationship with other characters - his friend Ravelstorm (a self-proclaimed Marxist, who is distracted from thougths about the rough conditiond of the Proletariat by the soft appearance of his mistress), his self-abnegating sister Julia, etc. Also, Gordon tries to write poetry - and one of the poems is gradually 'conceived' throughout the novel, containing his impressions and emotions in a self-piteous, frustrated style - with quite a decent result I'd say. Besides, Orwell realistically describes some unpleasant aspects of London's life through the protagonist's actions: slums, squalor, drunkenness, and prostitution. Per general, a great read!
On the other hand, 'Coming up for air' describes a character who is an organic part of the system - a middle-aged clerk from a London's suburb, on the surface - a typical lower-middle-class and a family man, called George Bowling. The novel is written entirely through his perspective and keeps a rather melancholic tone. The narrator, with a rueful humor, talks a bit about himself, expressing a dissatisfaction with his menial life, yet remaining fatalistic about it. Then he starts an 80-or-so pages description of his pre-WW1 life and memories from a small town - and, frankly, it stirred my interest, being related in a vivid language. His rustic life is placed in contrast with the modern, after-war existence. This leads to nostalgia, and basically, the plot of the novel consists of an attempt to chase this feeling, to make it come true, to revive what has been long forgotten. The novel (published some months before the WW2) contains a distinct feeling of uncertainty, fear, and anguish about the future, expressed in various instances. The narrator asks himself what would become if the war starts - if the bombers arrive - which, as he thinks, will happen in 1941. But he fears not the destruction itself, but what would come after the pains of war - a new world of "rubber truncheons", slogans, suppression, hate. Something that Orwell will describe 11 years later in '1984'.
Overall, I think both books are worth reading. However, you have to expect that the protagonists - Gordon Comstock and George Bowling - might not be quite prepossesing.
submitted by ArthRol to literature [link] [comments]
Yet it was only much later that I read his other literary works - namely, those indicated in the title. There, I discovered Orwell as a great analytic of human psychology, an inventive storyteller. Both novels have a bleak atmosphere with a bit of dark humor and somewhat foreshadow themes that would appear in 1984.
In Keep the Aspidistra Flying, Orwell depicts a peculiar intellectual named Gordon Constock, almost thirty and "already moth-eaten." The gist is that he refused his status and prospects of a "good job" in order to avoid being subservient to "the Money God" - that is, he lowers himself on the social scale, living in self-imposed penury, working in a bookshop. Generally, this Gordon would seem like an off-putting person, constantly frustrated, whining and complaining, raving about the 'end of civilization', a little bit sexist, and a great deal pessimist. The reader is plunged into his interior monologue and obsessive thoughts, which are captivating to follow. The plot revolves around his fight with the Consumerist system - however, as you might have guessed, he is not a valliant knight in shining armor, but rather a vain nihilist with questionable worldview. This affects the relationship with other characters - his friend Ravelstorm (a self-proclaimed Marxist, who is distracted from thougths about the rough conditiond of the Proletariat by the soft appearance of his mistress), his self-abnegating sister Julia, etc. Also, Gordon tries to write poetry - and one of the poems is gradually 'conceived' throughout the novel, containing his impressions and emotions in a self-piteous, frustrated style - with quite a decent result I'd say. Besides, Orwell realistically describes some unpleasant aspects of London's life through the protagonist's actions: slums, squalor, drunkenness, and prostitution. Per general, a great read!
On the other hand, 'Coming up for air' describes a character who is an organic part of the system - a middle-aged clerk from a London's suburb, on the surface - a typical lower-middle-class and a family man, called George Bowling. The novel is written entirely through his perspective and keeps a rather melancholic tone. The narrator, with a rueful humor, talks a bit about himself, expressing a dissatisfaction with his menial life, yet remaining fatalistic about it. Then he starts an 80-or-so pages description of his pre-WW1 life and memories from a small town - and, frankly, it stirred my interest, being related in a vivid language. His rustic life is placed in contrast with the modern, after-war existence. This leads to nostalgia, and basically, the plot of the novel consists of an attempt to chase this feeling, to make it come true, to revive what has been long forgotten. The novel (published some months before the WW2) contains a distinct feeling of uncertainty, fear, and anguish about the future, expressed in various instances. The narrator asks himself what would become if the war starts - if the bombers arrive - which, as he thinks, will happen in 1941. But he fears not the destruction itself, but what would come after the pains of war - a new world of "rubber truncheons", slogans, suppression, hate. Something that Orwell will describe 11 years later in '1984'.
Overall, I think both books are worth reading. However, you have to expect that the protagonists - Gordon Comstock and George Bowling - might not be quite prepossesing.
2024.05.15 08:18 firstcoupon123 What is Designer Cake Delivery in Noida?
Designer cake delivery in Noida involves ordering custom, beautifully designed cakes for various occasions like birthdays, weddings, and corporate events. These cakes offer a personalized touch, use quality ingredients, and provide convenience with home delivery. To order, choose a reputable bakery, decide on the design and flavor, and place your order in advance. Ensure details are correct and communicate any special instructions clearly. Popular bakeries is The Cake Man, and other
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2024.05.15 07:53 shaneka69 CANCER ZODIAC - UNEXPECTED INCOME! TAROT READING MAY 2024
CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024
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2024.05.15 07:44 shaneka69 LIBRA ZODIAC PREDICTIONS MAY 2024
LIBRA ZODIAC PREDICTIONS MAY 2024
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2024.05.15 07:29 Outside-Party1372 Hey Michelle, Remember when Kevin embarrassed you on your birthday?
 | This is sooooo hilarious, because she posted at the dealership for her birthday as if Kevin was buying her a car. Just to end up with NOTHING 💀😭 I would NEVER forgive my man if he wasted time on my birthday taking me to the dealership, just to make me look dumb, and end up empty handed even 3 months later….Is this the life you think we’re jealous of??? Not only does she embarrass herself, Kevin helps her too 😂 submitted by Outside-Party1372 to michellediaztruth [link] [comments] |
2024.05.15 07:22 Self_journi [TN] question about father not on birth certificate enlisting in military trying to claim my son
My son is now 5 and his dad has been constantly in and out of his life. Was not there for the birth or any of the 5 birthdays I’ve asked him to attend. He saw him once in the last 3 years and that’s when I brought him to Washington last month from Tennessee where we reside in. Now he wants to enroll in the military and claim my son so my son can get health insurance, to which he would need my sons social and birth certificate hard copy. I do not feel comfortable in sharing my sons personal information as he has no legal rights to him currently and I have no idea where this information will go without speaking to a supervisor. He is not on the birth certificate or acknowledgement of paternity per his own choice despite my request He has been a very emotionally abusive and unstable man since the day I met him. I worry for my sons best interest and do not care about my son claiming benefits from the military, I’m worried he is only trying to do this for the benefit of making more financially / claiming him on his taxes. I have been solely responsible for my son the last 5 years. I told the father I was uncomfortable sending such documentation without speaking to the supervisor first which he reacted with name calling gaslighting and said he would try to get a lawyer not for supervised visits or even partial custody implying he would take full custody of my son who does not even know who he is … so my question is what would you do? If it gets so far as a custody case could I request a mental health evaluation of the father? Could I request parent classes ? What are the odds I lose custody of my son? I’ve never wanted to keep my son from his father. I just want to make sure his father is acting appropriately and consistently as a parent, my biggest worry is how this will affect my son. Sincerely one concerned parent to another..
submitted by Self_journi to Custody [link] [comments]
2024.05.15 06:57 Upbeat_Jellyfish_125 Need a FanArt for this Odd-Pair.
Hi, so my friend is a huge fan of the ASOIAF books and the GOT show. She has this one pairing on the show she’s obsessed with. It’s one with Jaime Lannister and Lyanna Stark. Her birthday is coming up and I’d like to see if I can get her a nice, cute drawing of the two characters.
These are the character descriptions:
Jaime Lannister: tall, handsome young man, with golden-blonde hair, chiseled jaw and cat-green eyes.
Lyanna Stark: petite, pretty, child-like young woman, with black-brown hair and grey eyes.
I was wondering if the picture could be something romantic or wholesome. Something like him being in all his armour (since he’s in the Kingsguard) and the two of them in her chambers where he’s down on knee, looking up at her face, and she’s sitting on the edge of her bed, looking at him, both with clear love and adoration for each other but are helpless because she’s the queen and he’s her knight. She’s cupping his face and he has his palms on hers.
Thanks in advance!
submitted by Upbeat_Jellyfish_125 to ICanDrawThat [link] [comments]
These are the character descriptions:
Jaime Lannister: tall, handsome young man, with golden-blonde hair, chiseled jaw and cat-green eyes.
Lyanna Stark: petite, pretty, child-like young woman, with black-brown hair and grey eyes.
I was wondering if the picture could be something romantic or wholesome. Something like him being in all his armour (since he’s in the Kingsguard) and the two of them in her chambers where he’s down on knee, looking up at her face, and she’s sitting on the edge of her bed, looking at him, both with clear love and adoration for each other but are helpless because she’s the queen and he’s her knight. She’s cupping his face and he has his palms on hers.
Thanks in advance!
2024.05.15 06:53 shaneka69 CANCER ZODIAC - UNEXPECTED INCOME! TAROT READING MAY 2024
CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024
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2024.05.15 06:44 shaneka69 LIBRA ZODIAC PREDICTIONS MAY 2024
LIBRA ZODIAC PREDICTIONS MAY 2024
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2024.05.15 06:43 Typical-writing-3006 Are my in-laws mistreating their son (my husband) or am I just a sensitive Snowflake?
So I'm newly married. My husband's family is known to be quite controlling and depreciative towards my husband. His friends that became my friends later told me this before our marriage and now I can see it for my self. Nothing he ever does is good enough. He used to be a mischievous kid but got his shit together in Uni. Now he is working in a field where his expertise is becoming well known. Since the field is new the pay isn't great but Ok. We are both okay with this. But not for his parents. Because he isn't doing what they want. He fulfills his responsibilities as a son to the best of his abilities but there is not a word of appreciation. Before we got married his mother cornered me and told me smokes. The man does not smoke and stopped drinking while in Uni as well. Yet to this day he is accused of doing both. He's the only son yet I still haven't seen them doing anything special for him. Nothing for his birthday. Nothing special when he comes home. Every single decision that he makes is seen as a mistake and they make sure to let him know. He is quite a boisterous energetic person when he is with me and friends and colleagues. But he becomes half the person he is when he goes home. Repeatedly calls him when he goes out after coming home. (It's much less than before). Sends him to buy stuff about 2-3 times a day when he comes home after weeks of working. Didn't support him when he needed to study for Uni exams but are quick to push him to do Msc and other jobs they think are good. It pisses me to no end because I can see that he wants the affection but it doesn't come. I think it makes them happy to sort of emasculate him. Because that's when they sort of back off. Is this normal? It rubs me the wrong way because this is not how children in our families are treated. Am I just a snowflake or am I right to get angry?
submitted by Typical-writing-3006 to srilanka [link] [comments]
2024.05.15 06:35 _kaleb_ Me 32M, wife 28F, with child 7 together 11 years married 5. Years of hardship/bad luck, recent affair. LONG story. Advice?
So the last few years have been rough.
*note* if you're a "cheaters will always be cheaters type" tldr is don't bother reading or commenting
BACKSTORY 2019-2023 child nearly annual broken bones, lots of stress and specialist visits.
2018-2024 my wife got her associates as a medical assistant and is almost done with her bachelor's and final quarter internship while working full time and that has been hard for me. The lack of time for me and my son has really made an impact.
2019 I was injured at work and 2020 had my first surgery to try and preserve an ankle joint. That surgery ended up failing and while recovering I ended up mangling 2 fingertips in a wood jointer. 2020 I had to make the transition to a sahd on workers comp and have been since then. My lifestyle of hiking and fishing was upended because I could barely be on my feet 3 hours a day and uneven ground killed me not to mention the whole covid thing was pretty isolating.
All of 2021 was supporting her being a surrogate for a couple in City X (their egg/sperm). So, lots of trips checks and giving her injections. It was kind of proving myself to her because I was terrified when our son was born in 2017 and didn't help as much as I should have. Especially the first 3 months. Really, I didn't find out until later. We had conversations and fights at the time and id step up to do more and she would agree and tell me it was all okay. Then another fight saying I wasn't doing enough/anything and asking more and me being upset and confused. I guess at the time she was afraid to ask more, or tell me what she wanted, or her feelings, and the postpartum depression and initial feelings of abandonment didn't help.
Anyways the surrogacy went okay. I was there and supportive. Rubbing her feet and back. taking on extra load when she was tired etc. And hey I didn't pass out at delivery this time XD The end was a bit hard with 2 inductions needed and a massive 9.5lb baby and a stuck shoulder.
Then a few weeks after birth in November 2021 the nightmare began.
Out of nowhere she started hemorrhaging. She had to have an emergency D&C to stop the bleeding and scans showed a mass. Turned out the surrogate baby's placenta had some cells turn cancerous and attach to her uterus (Choriocarcinoma). 3 months later and the first 3 agent chemo failed, and her numbers were skyrocketing because it turned treatment resistant. They had to hit it with 5 types of chemo (EMACO) leaving future fertility a coin toss but more than a hysterectomy. By May 2022 the tumor marker was gone, but it was 6 months of intense monitoring and 6 months of monthly monitoring. The whole time she was in an intense spiraling depression questioning life. The meaning of all it, and how all her childhood trauma was fair. That no god would let a child live that. And questioning every decision in her life and wondering what things could have been like if she went a different direction. Feeling like she missed out on opportunities early in life. If this might be all there is (we have been together since she was 17). She said she felt like reality wasn't real and this was make believe at times.
Summer 2022 she made a new mom friend. She was pretty toxic and selfish. She used my wife for personal benefit and to go places. Yelled at her kids and treated the oldest from a prior marriage as less than (girl doesn't know her dad and when she mentioned she was part Mexican she freaked out and denied it because of how conservative and anti Mexican her new dad and his family is). Like never offered a dime, but expected food, gas, tickets, and gifts. She drove my wife nuts with that behavior. but she was desperate for a friend and loved her kids. Her friend would just talk shit about her partner pretty constantly and say my wife should be unhappy in her relationship too. Shit talking husbands behind their backs became like a mutual thing and I def hated it
Sometime 2023 she jumped into fantasy romance and fantasy smut /erotica. This progressed to an AI chat smut generator.
May 2023 monitoring was over and she was officially cancer free and had been on a health/mental health quest..
The mental health part started early in the year and she was seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety alone as well as her long list of childhood trauma. Off hand her therapist told her a few times she didn't know maybe just divorce me or something. I was super uncomfortable with this as it was completely outside her practicing scope and I didn't feel she should be providing relationship guidance, especially without me or the rest of the story. I felt a bit attacked and didn't even get the chance to give my perspective or account and felt that is pretty important after being here for a decade. A lot of negative points get omitted by her.
Summer 2023 she had some tough diagnosis for other chronic issues. Narcolepsy Dissociative Identity disorder Depression And a sleep disorder
I initially rejected this as I didn't want to accept these chronic and incurable conditions and insisted it has to be something else, that she's okay. It was taken as rejection of her.
Fall 2023 she reached out to a childhood ex bf a few states away and started an emotional affair. They kept in infrequent contact over the years and nothing ever came of it before. He has been unable to move past her or have meaningful relationships in 13 years. At first he pushed her away and rejected it, but after a month by Nov it was a thing. Texting saying I shouldn't worried because they dated before, but he ended up coming out as gay, calls in private, staying later after work. I gave it the benefit of the doubt but got burned. I found out in December the second time she wanted a private call in the car, and I checked her phone.
We started marriage counseling in Jan and I started my own therapy search as well as a condition of hers. She agreed to no longer contact the boy showed me the sent message ending it and blocked him. By Feb I found him listed in her phone as Saraa and found deleted texts and calls. In therapy she wanted to keep him as a friend and only friend and I tried this. She asked if a PO box would be okay for a birthday present, and I said no. That it crossed a line. It was also super close to Valentine's day. Next therapy I couldn't handle the anxiety and feeling physically ill when she used her phone, and we went through Jan again break off block etc.
In Feb the therapist recommended a separate space for conflict as we work on things. That too much conflict triggered her dissociative identity disorder. It was either a hotel as needed or a rv/camper. My wife was set on a camper and the only way to get a newer one was to add my credit/income to hers for a loan and I was uncomfortable on a $20k purchase. She assured me the intent of the camper was working on us and not separating/divorcing. She brought up me not having chores completely done all the time and I poured myself into it if that was making her unhappy over the years.
During this time in March I found out she got the secret PO box and had yet again resumed texting entirely deleting her logs. She had valentines gifts. birthday gifts, long distance electronic bracelets, and had an easter basket coming. Everything was put together into a box to be gotten rid of. That effort I had for chores and making everything spotless kind of died. Like there was that recognition that that obviously wasn't the problem. We lived completely separately for a few weeks until she could make a choice. We split our son and had almost zero interaction. Eventually she chose and I saw a notebook she used once in December. Basically she has started outlining a story envisioning herself as the lead character in once of her romantic fantasies and cast me and the other man as competing love interests
April and early may there was nothing. We did therapy and tackled our issues slowly. Together. Our future plans: college vs baby and the ticking clock of fertility and ifs after chemo. Etc
Last week she was going out for lilac picking and didn't text me for 2 hours and said she was at the beach. Later she showed me something in her email and I saw discord emails about a pw change and login. One bad gut feeling later and the next morning I see she deleted the discord emails and check our phone plan and her phone and see missing texts. I put in a phone record request for recent texts and text/call logs. She woke up and I said it did it and she said I was disgusting. Then admitted I was right.
She says after breaking it off she was worried he would hurt himself and just wanted to be sure he was okay and admitted to 3 texts and the discord call which i verified. Said that he was in therapy for his issues. She said she didn't want to bring it up to me because I would make it a fight and she thought she could just get away with a few texts to make sure. That she felt responsible for how much he had been hurt too.
So I did what I do with extreme anxiety and checked her work bag. I found an old journal they shared Jan to mid-march. Kind of confirmed again what was going on. Also revealed she lied to me about the trailer, or him? She couldn't get it without me and told him it was to work on separating from me easier. Yeah I kept pics in case this goes downhill because yeah, I'll gun for EVERYTHING. I'm sure that being tricked into signing a $20k contract under false pretenses for her personal benefit, secret po boxes, lying to our therapist repeatedly, secret texts, expecting gifts from the other man, career over spending time with family and a serious personality disorder on top of narcolepsy making a job hard to keep down wont do her favors at divorce/custody hearings.
So its all fresh for me again. I already have extreme anxiety and the autism doesn't help with reading/understanding people the best, although my gut intuition and pattern recognition are catching stuff fine.
WHERE I THINK I AM
Looking back, I can see that the personality disorder and narcolepsy are apparent. Dream delusion and memory issues from the narcolepsy make separating dream from reality hard as well as just recalling what happened. So whether not the "not feeling like reality is real" was a dream delusion or a full-blown dissociative episode... I can also see that messaging him was a "new" personality state. Maybe it's a manifestation of the trauma of nearly dying from cancer, maybe it's a fragment of her young identity that was created to survive her traumatic childhood resurfacing after nearly dying. But her interests and perspective massively shifted at that time and there was a clear separation between her with me and her with him. It was like this regression back to 15. Like she was molding an identity to fit his desires and interests. She took up tarot and witchy books, different music, painting, rockhounding (my interest), dried bouquets, dyed her hair and got multiple piercings. Even getting caught there was that click in her whole demeanor.
I can see how her friend may have jaded her towards me by all the shit she talked about HER husband. I can see that throwing herself into fantasy smut to cope flooded her with portrayals of unrealistic romance. That she progressed that by using an AI smut bot to hold those conversations with. Then she directly tried to process her own reality through the lens of those novels in that journal.
This "relationship" was "I love you, we can be together in 10 years". He wasn't going to leave his cushy job. Or his state. He didn't want to be a stepdad. He didn't want to support her career or have any involvement in it. She couldn't leave my state. Never saw illicit photos. No discussion of sex. It was like exactly what you think some lovestruck preteens would come up with. Like just a fantasy. No talk of bills or finances. Of moving. Of any substantial tangible entanglement.
Somehow that's easier to handle
I love her and don't want to leave her. But i desperately think she needs serious help and have told her I want her to do therapy 2x a month (on top of marriage therapy 2x).
I also think if a secret or deleted text happens again, I've got to take off the kid gloves and fight for it all. Cause well showing up at the dude's door would end in prison.
I'm sure this happening right as I fully got over last time and took a trust leap of faith on a "gay" friend that burned me will make it harder. I get the last few years have been garbage luck and I get almost dying can have profound affects though. She had been utterly loyal for 5 years (believe me I checked as we agreed to ie open book). Tying to see this with an open mind.
I get my exact expectations are muddy and part of this is just putting it into words to process for me, but I value if someone has any good input
submitted by _kaleb_ to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
*note* if you're a "cheaters will always be cheaters type" tldr is don't bother reading or commenting
BACKSTORY 2019-2023 child nearly annual broken bones, lots of stress and specialist visits.
2018-2024 my wife got her associates as a medical assistant and is almost done with her bachelor's and final quarter internship while working full time and that has been hard for me. The lack of time for me and my son has really made an impact.
2019 I was injured at work and 2020 had my first surgery to try and preserve an ankle joint. That surgery ended up failing and while recovering I ended up mangling 2 fingertips in a wood jointer. 2020 I had to make the transition to a sahd on workers comp and have been since then. My lifestyle of hiking and fishing was upended because I could barely be on my feet 3 hours a day and uneven ground killed me not to mention the whole covid thing was pretty isolating.
All of 2021 was supporting her being a surrogate for a couple in City X (their egg/sperm). So, lots of trips checks and giving her injections. It was kind of proving myself to her because I was terrified when our son was born in 2017 and didn't help as much as I should have. Especially the first 3 months. Really, I didn't find out until later. We had conversations and fights at the time and id step up to do more and she would agree and tell me it was all okay. Then another fight saying I wasn't doing enough/anything and asking more and me being upset and confused. I guess at the time she was afraid to ask more, or tell me what she wanted, or her feelings, and the postpartum depression and initial feelings of abandonment didn't help.
Anyways the surrogacy went okay. I was there and supportive. Rubbing her feet and back. taking on extra load when she was tired etc. And hey I didn't pass out at delivery this time XD The end was a bit hard with 2 inductions needed and a massive 9.5lb baby and a stuck shoulder.
Then a few weeks after birth in November 2021 the nightmare began.
Out of nowhere she started hemorrhaging. She had to have an emergency D&C to stop the bleeding and scans showed a mass. Turned out the surrogate baby's placenta had some cells turn cancerous and attach to her uterus (Choriocarcinoma). 3 months later and the first 3 agent chemo failed, and her numbers were skyrocketing because it turned treatment resistant. They had to hit it with 5 types of chemo (EMACO) leaving future fertility a coin toss but more than a hysterectomy. By May 2022 the tumor marker was gone, but it was 6 months of intense monitoring and 6 months of monthly monitoring. The whole time she was in an intense spiraling depression questioning life. The meaning of all it, and how all her childhood trauma was fair. That no god would let a child live that. And questioning every decision in her life and wondering what things could have been like if she went a different direction. Feeling like she missed out on opportunities early in life. If this might be all there is (we have been together since she was 17). She said she felt like reality wasn't real and this was make believe at times.
Summer 2022 she made a new mom friend. She was pretty toxic and selfish. She used my wife for personal benefit and to go places. Yelled at her kids and treated the oldest from a prior marriage as less than (girl doesn't know her dad and when she mentioned she was part Mexican she freaked out and denied it because of how conservative and anti Mexican her new dad and his family is). Like never offered a dime, but expected food, gas, tickets, and gifts. She drove my wife nuts with that behavior. but she was desperate for a friend and loved her kids. Her friend would just talk shit about her partner pretty constantly and say my wife should be unhappy in her relationship too. Shit talking husbands behind their backs became like a mutual thing and I def hated it
Sometime 2023 she jumped into fantasy romance and fantasy smut /erotica. This progressed to an AI chat smut generator.
May 2023 monitoring was over and she was officially cancer free and had been on a health/mental health quest..
The mental health part started early in the year and she was seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety alone as well as her long list of childhood trauma. Off hand her therapist told her a few times she didn't know maybe just divorce me or something. I was super uncomfortable with this as it was completely outside her practicing scope and I didn't feel she should be providing relationship guidance, especially without me or the rest of the story. I felt a bit attacked and didn't even get the chance to give my perspective or account and felt that is pretty important after being here for a decade. A lot of negative points get omitted by her.
Summer 2023 she had some tough diagnosis for other chronic issues. Narcolepsy Dissociative Identity disorder Depression And a sleep disorder
I initially rejected this as I didn't want to accept these chronic and incurable conditions and insisted it has to be something else, that she's okay. It was taken as rejection of her.
Fall 2023 she reached out to a childhood ex bf a few states away and started an emotional affair. They kept in infrequent contact over the years and nothing ever came of it before. He has been unable to move past her or have meaningful relationships in 13 years. At first he pushed her away and rejected it, but after a month by Nov it was a thing. Texting saying I shouldn't worried because they dated before, but he ended up coming out as gay, calls in private, staying later after work. I gave it the benefit of the doubt but got burned. I found out in December the second time she wanted a private call in the car, and I checked her phone.
We started marriage counseling in Jan and I started my own therapy search as well as a condition of hers. She agreed to no longer contact the boy showed me the sent message ending it and blocked him. By Feb I found him listed in her phone as Saraa and found deleted texts and calls. In therapy she wanted to keep him as a friend and only friend and I tried this. She asked if a PO box would be okay for a birthday present, and I said no. That it crossed a line. It was also super close to Valentine's day. Next therapy I couldn't handle the anxiety and feeling physically ill when she used her phone, and we went through Jan again break off block etc.
In Feb the therapist recommended a separate space for conflict as we work on things. That too much conflict triggered her dissociative identity disorder. It was either a hotel as needed or a rv/camper. My wife was set on a camper and the only way to get a newer one was to add my credit/income to hers for a loan and I was uncomfortable on a $20k purchase. She assured me the intent of the camper was working on us and not separating/divorcing. She brought up me not having chores completely done all the time and I poured myself into it if that was making her unhappy over the years.
During this time in March I found out she got the secret PO box and had yet again resumed texting entirely deleting her logs. She had valentines gifts. birthday gifts, long distance electronic bracelets, and had an easter basket coming. Everything was put together into a box to be gotten rid of. That effort I had for chores and making everything spotless kind of died. Like there was that recognition that that obviously wasn't the problem. We lived completely separately for a few weeks until she could make a choice. We split our son and had almost zero interaction. Eventually she chose and I saw a notebook she used once in December. Basically she has started outlining a story envisioning herself as the lead character in once of her romantic fantasies and cast me and the other man as competing love interests
April and early may there was nothing. We did therapy and tackled our issues slowly. Together. Our future plans: college vs baby and the ticking clock of fertility and ifs after chemo. Etc
Last week she was going out for lilac picking and didn't text me for 2 hours and said she was at the beach. Later she showed me something in her email and I saw discord emails about a pw change and login. One bad gut feeling later and the next morning I see she deleted the discord emails and check our phone plan and her phone and see missing texts. I put in a phone record request for recent texts and text/call logs. She woke up and I said it did it and she said I was disgusting. Then admitted I was right.
She says after breaking it off she was worried he would hurt himself and just wanted to be sure he was okay and admitted to 3 texts and the discord call which i verified. Said that he was in therapy for his issues. She said she didn't want to bring it up to me because I would make it a fight and she thought she could just get away with a few texts to make sure. That she felt responsible for how much he had been hurt too.
So I did what I do with extreme anxiety and checked her work bag. I found an old journal they shared Jan to mid-march. Kind of confirmed again what was going on. Also revealed she lied to me about the trailer, or him? She couldn't get it without me and told him it was to work on separating from me easier. Yeah I kept pics in case this goes downhill because yeah, I'll gun for EVERYTHING. I'm sure that being tricked into signing a $20k contract under false pretenses for her personal benefit, secret po boxes, lying to our therapist repeatedly, secret texts, expecting gifts from the other man, career over spending time with family and a serious personality disorder on top of narcolepsy making a job hard to keep down wont do her favors at divorce/custody hearings.
So its all fresh for me again. I already have extreme anxiety and the autism doesn't help with reading/understanding people the best, although my gut intuition and pattern recognition are catching stuff fine.
WHERE I THINK I AM
Looking back, I can see that the personality disorder and narcolepsy are apparent. Dream delusion and memory issues from the narcolepsy make separating dream from reality hard as well as just recalling what happened. So whether not the "not feeling like reality is real" was a dream delusion or a full-blown dissociative episode... I can also see that messaging him was a "new" personality state. Maybe it's a manifestation of the trauma of nearly dying from cancer, maybe it's a fragment of her young identity that was created to survive her traumatic childhood resurfacing after nearly dying. But her interests and perspective massively shifted at that time and there was a clear separation between her with me and her with him. It was like this regression back to 15. Like she was molding an identity to fit his desires and interests. She took up tarot and witchy books, different music, painting, rockhounding (my interest), dried bouquets, dyed her hair and got multiple piercings. Even getting caught there was that click in her whole demeanor.
I can see how her friend may have jaded her towards me by all the shit she talked about HER husband. I can see that throwing herself into fantasy smut to cope flooded her with portrayals of unrealistic romance. That she progressed that by using an AI smut bot to hold those conversations with. Then she directly tried to process her own reality through the lens of those novels in that journal.
This "relationship" was "I love you, we can be together in 10 years". He wasn't going to leave his cushy job. Or his state. He didn't want to be a stepdad. He didn't want to support her career or have any involvement in it. She couldn't leave my state. Never saw illicit photos. No discussion of sex. It was like exactly what you think some lovestruck preteens would come up with. Like just a fantasy. No talk of bills or finances. Of moving. Of any substantial tangible entanglement.
Somehow that's easier to handle
I love her and don't want to leave her. But i desperately think she needs serious help and have told her I want her to do therapy 2x a month (on top of marriage therapy 2x).
I also think if a secret or deleted text happens again, I've got to take off the kid gloves and fight for it all. Cause well showing up at the dude's door would end in prison.
I'm sure this happening right as I fully got over last time and took a trust leap of faith on a "gay" friend that burned me will make it harder. I get the last few years have been garbage luck and I get almost dying can have profound affects though. She had been utterly loyal for 5 years (believe me I checked as we agreed to ie open book). Tying to see this with an open mind.
I get my exact expectations are muddy and part of this is just putting it into words to process for me, but I value if someone has any good input
2024.05.15 06:21 Substantial-Fox-1240 [TOMT] Trying to find an old, illustrated children’s book I used to have - it was about witches, it featured fairy tales by the Brothers Grimm
I’m looking for a children’s book I had in the 90’s in Australia during my childhood. Each page was fully coloured and well illustrated.
The closest I can find online is a book called “The Book Of Witches” by Ruth Manning Sanders, and I think I remember my book having a similar title to this.
However, from what I can see online, this doesn’t seem to be the same book. The illustrations are different and so is the collection of stories inside..
A few stories I remember that were in there were: The Old Witch, & The Six Swans.. and there was a rhyme or a song near the front of the book about Witches celebrating Halloween, and dancing around a pumpkin patch under a full moon.
The cover was illustrated in dark, bold colours (purple and black from memory) and I’m pretty sure it had Witches, a Cauldron and trees on the front.
It was a very well illustrated book with a collection of classic fairy tales. Brothers Grimm etc. And from memory each one featured a witch.
The book also contained a few pages of rhymes / poems etc about witches that were not connected to a fairy tale but just featured as pages in the book.
submitted by Substantial-Fox-1240 to tipofmytongue [link] [comments]
The closest I can find online is a book called “The Book Of Witches” by Ruth Manning Sanders, and I think I remember my book having a similar title to this.
However, from what I can see online, this doesn’t seem to be the same book. The illustrations are different and so is the collection of stories inside..
A few stories I remember that were in there were: The Old Witch, & The Six Swans.. and there was a rhyme or a song near the front of the book about Witches celebrating Halloween, and dancing around a pumpkin patch under a full moon.
The cover was illustrated in dark, bold colours (purple and black from memory) and I’m pretty sure it had Witches, a Cauldron and trees on the front.
It was a very well illustrated book with a collection of classic fairy tales. Brothers Grimm etc. And from memory each one featured a witch.
The book also contained a few pages of rhymes / poems etc about witches that were not connected to a fairy tale but just featured as pages in the book.
2024.05.15 06:03 SyllabubMiserable452 My boyfriend cheated on me & now he has herpes
My (22F) boyfriend (24m) of almost 3 years told me today that he cheated on me twice a month or so ago with 2 different women when I was visiting my friend in another state. (I was there with her for a month.) mind you, he has previously been with these girls sexually before our relationship, years ago. Now he has herpes. We have been long distance for a while, which is nothing new, I last saw him in February, and I was going back to live with him again this month in May. Actually for my birthday this weekend. crazy timing. So luckily I haven’t slept with him since he got the std. He told me that he cheated because he got tested and the results came back positive today. I don’t think he would have ever told me otherwise.. Nothing could have ever, EVER prepared me for what he said to me. I got chills throughout my whole body. I felt like he took all the love out of me. I’m feeling horrible, lost and disgusting. He was holding my heart in his hands. I never thought he would do that to me. It’s so crazy to think that the man I stood behind so strongly, trusted with my life, the man who I thought would never ever lie to me, always give me honesty, the man that loves me so deeply and extreme would ever even be capable of doing something like that to me. We’ve known each other for a very long time, always been so close. Our bond is so rare and so strong and deep. I know that 3 years is nothing compared to what it could be. But I’m heartbroken. My heart hurts so much & my soul is pissed. This feels like a nightmare. His family is my family too, he was my family. I love him so much. He was my best friend. Best friend I’ve ever had. I can admit I’m very attached to him. He has more of a hold on my emotions than I do sometimes. I’ve let my happiness depend on what he does, or doesn’t do, or says or doesn’t say. He’s very much my daily routine, but in the best way possible. He’s the only constant in my life. So of course I’m feeling extremely lost right now. I know that’s my fault. But I didn’t care to be so attached because I thought that he would never make me face that fear of losing him. I don’t know how to continue on without him. I know there’s more to life than love, but is there ? Our love & our relationship and friendship has sometimes been the only thing to keep me going when I felt I couldn’t anymore. I’ve never been so comfortable around another person and we’ve both changed and grown so much together within the time we’ve known each other and I really thought he was my forever guy. We almost had a baby but we lost it. We’ve planned an amazing future together. We both wanted all the same things and had so many of the same goals. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. My point is I need some advice. I don’t want this relationship to end, my heart cannot take it. I know I should have some self respect. I know I didn’t deserve what he did. I know I deserve better than his poor decisions & I know that I need to leave him & never turn back. But I don’t want to. I just don’t want to leave I love him so much. Do I have to? Please tell me what I need to hear. What should I do? Do I have to leave him permanently?
TL;DR; My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me with 2 different women. He has herpes now. I don’t want to lose my relationship. I love him so so much. What do I do? Do I have to leave? Can we fix it and make our relationship work? I need advice
submitted by SyllabubMiserable452 to relationships [link] [comments]
TL;DR; My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me with 2 different women. He has herpes now. I don’t want to lose my relationship. I love him so so much. What do I do? Do I have to leave? Can we fix it and make our relationship work? I need advice
2024.05.15 05:55 Markusictus How do I 32m fix the rift between my wife 31f and mother 63f?
The rift between them has caused a lot of tension in my family and now my mom wants to be in the life of her newborn grandson but refuses to address or try to mend things with my wife.
Little history: I probably introduced them too quickly. My grandmother was in town in south Florida about to move here from Illinois for a retirement community. My wife, girlfriend at the time, came with cookies or some form of baked goods like she usually does when visiting someone as a sign of affection and respect. Where it went wrong from here I have no idea. I suppose the initial crack was when wife scheduled a skitrip for her and I to have as a 1 year of dating anniversary present. We are not rich, this is a huge gift that made sense to her since I refused to let her pay rent. Our combines salaries are barely over 120k. So wife calls mom 6 months in advance because she is a planner for the sole purpose of asking my mom to watch one of our four dogs. Wife has already paid in full for the trip. Yet Mom decides it is a great idea to instead use the opportunity to hop on and take a family trip because it is the last time the family will have for a family vacation - I am the oldest of two boys and two stepsisters, my mom married the guy she left my father for who has twin girls of his own that were in the womb during the infidelity. Anyway mom completely takes over and decides to make our one year gift a family vacation, so she books tickets for a hotel nearby. Wife is bold but at the time not bold enough to stop my mom in her tracks for overstepping a boundary. At this time she still respected my mother and kind of let herself get steamrolled.
Probably skippable Family history: Now I have always had issues with my mother, resentment for leaving my father for my stepdad behind my own fathers back and constantly trying to keep brother and I from seeing “Disneyland dad who doesn’t do any of the work but gets all the fun.” my mother was very strict growing up, always bringing us to church and making my father feel guilty for not bringing brother and I on his weekend. So mom marries stepdad age 11, divorces him around 13 after asking me advice for her relationship and i encourage her to move out. Then remarries him and moves us back into his house age 15. Here I begin rebellion and normal teeenager stuff but stepdad won’t butt in because he isn’t my “biological father” so would have my mom intervene brother and i from behind the scenes. For example, I am young and messing around on the piano because music is important and I never had any formal training and mom comes in to tell me stepdad “wants to know when the concert is going to end because it is a little annoying.” Anyway, they have me prescribed adderall at 16 and in the parking lot holding my first prescription I am told that they would like me to move out and in with my father, who had chased us every time mom and stepdad moved several miles away (5 moves from age 5-15 all in one county). Anyway, brother and I are recovering alcoholics with (my) slipups triggered from interactions or visiting my mom, which mom claims is genetics from my father alone and has nothing to do with her. Maternal grandfather, mother, and I have some nasty temper problems which certainly are exacerbated by drinking (at least mine and moms).
Skitrip revelations: Wife and I are on the way to brothers graduation in Chicago, and wife has yet to reveal to me that my mother has taken over her massive investment of a couples ski vacation and it will now be a family vacation for mom, stepdad, brother, two stepsisters who are all getting out of gradschool. On the way to the airport I am told the news by future wife of my one year surprise. So I get upset and call my mom to call it off. She obliges my request and now holds resentment against me and now wife for “ruining her last family vacation.” Fine, whatever. Mother never says a word about it for months until we are out for a distant family members birthday dinner and at a table of about 8-10 people that are having a group conversation and gets real close to my wife’s ear and tells her privately along the lines of “you deprived our family of our last family vacation.” During this time my wife is frantically tapping my leg under the table because my mom can get a little aggressive. My mom saw this and later (privately to me) mocked her for doing it to my leg under the table.
Christmas blessings: Closer to Christmas maybe 2/3 weeks later we went to go see my mom and my mom had a couple drinks in her (not an alcoholic like brother and I just very sensitive to a couple glasses of wine and occasionally some hidden sips of wine or something) and invites my wife to Christmas church and out to dinner after because the family needs photos for a Christmas card and future wife “will be the photographer for it.” Now this can easily be a nothing comment but given the way my mom had been making future wife feel, it was taken as an insult. So wife declined church and showed up to family dinner just in time for photography session to be over.
The distance: Then mom moves to a fancy house up the coast and invites us up to visit. At first it is ok to bring the 4 dogs then the day before she says they will not have dogs at the house and we can easily find a sitter. 2 Dogs don’t get along, they need to be separated always as there has been two attacks on one from the other, so we can’t trust someone to come to the house and keep them separate and we won’t board 4 dogs it’s too expensive for us. Anyway we go back and forth being invited with the dogs then they retract the offer and say pick one dog to bring and leave the others and it’s just annoying, so we say forget it and don’t go. But my brother becomes engaged and decides to throw his engagement party at my mom’s new place near the beach. Great. First all the dogs are welcome, then day before they say it is too chaotic and she will pay for a small hotel room for one night for future wife and her dogs and my one (the attack dog) can stay in a crate at the house with me but I may not leave the dog to stay with her. And no reasonable cheap hotel in the area is going to accommodate 4 dogs. Anyway wife is stressed but feels obligated to come because I am the best man and I stay at the house while she checks her dogs into the hotel. Wife had made a cheesecake and brought it up in a separate car from me, 4 hour drive by the way, and night of.. my mom says no desserts for engagement party dinner, the dessert is themed or some crazy stuff. Wife shows up to dinner a little later and very flustered because of the situation plus I had relapsed on a bottle of whiskey a couple days prior to seeing my mom. Related, I don’t know. Anyway. Mom has had a couple drinks and future wife and I are talking about having children and religion comes up. Mom asks what we were thinking of doing about baptism or not and I jokingly said (guiltily to get on my moms nerves a bit) that he would have a bris and would love it if she would come to the bar mitzvah. now my wife’s mom was forced to convert from Catholicism to Judaism for her own mother in laws acceptance for a failed marriage so wife is not religious, but it hurt my wife and reasonably so when my mom replied “oh, son, I raised you better than that.” Still no acknowlegement of fault from that comment and mom thinks wife is “overly sensitive, dramatic, and childish” for wanting an apology for it.
Weddings: Future wife becomes current wife. We had gotten engaged on our next anniversary trip she planned for us. I proposed on our bike and barge through tulip season in holland with our feet in the water of the North Sea after a picnic in the dunes. her family business manufactures photo albums for professional photographers, so aside from our families all being divorced, estranged, difficult, and us trying to save money, we did not have a wedding, we just did the paperwork within a month of the proposal. I had already decided to have a baby with her before the trip so we were trying. 2 weeks before brothers wedding in Tennessee we become pregnant, so we break news immediately as to not steal limelight from brothers expensive wedding. Mom says she will cover cost of rental car so we can save money. Ok great. She books the tiny car and we pack it and head up the Smokey mountains to the cabins we are staying at. Two cabins for grooms family, one for his mother and one for his father, ten paces from each other: they havnt spoken but twice im since divorce in 1995 but through lawyers. Grandmother, mother, stepdad, 2 stepsisters and one boyfriend stayed in mom’s side. Wife and I stay at father’s side cabin with just his wife. His Wife’s 3 daughters and family’s stayed a town away down the mountain among extended family. Anyway, beautiful wedding takes place. My wife is sent into town to collect flowers and run errands for my mom which she happily obliged to since she is a solitary person and did not want wedding day drama. Day after, we are loading our rental sedan with our bags. Mom and grandma need a ride to the airport and our flight is before theirs so they will drop off the car for us 4 hours or so after we go to the airport 5 hours from current time. We’re loading the car. Stepcousin passed out in mother’s cabin night before and needed a ride. Disorganized brunch for 20 people is trying to be made. Father’s wife’s daughter books a reservation for 10 people which include her family, her sisters, me, my wife, dad, and their mom. My stepdad had left for home at this point as he had taken his own suv instead of flying with my mom and 90 year old grandma. So mom is trying to pack grandma in the car with bags and my wife and stepcousin. At this point mother asks stepmother if she and grandma are on reservation for the brunch. Stepmom says no they are not, she wasn’t sure of their plans. Mom says under her breath “fucking assholes, so typical,” and she goes into a bit of a rage to which my stepmom says here “it’s ok I will call and add you two it’s no big deal.” So we continue packing the car and realize we won’t all fit. So my wife tells my stepcousin to go ride with my father to the restaurant 10 minutes away we will meet you there. Mom says to wife, “no you go with the father.” Wife says “no I am going to ride with my husband” mom gets close to her face with her finger and says “this is my car, you can fucking Uber!” Wife is 6 weeks pregnant at this point and it all escalated from here. wife and mother start yelling at each other swearing at each other and we get into the car, mom behind wife who was in shotgun. 2 occasions on the trip I had to stop the car because mom had taken off her seatbelt to stand over the seat and scream in my wife’s face with so much vigor that spit came on to her face multiple times. I’m trying to tell them both to behave and mom sit down shut the f up. Mom is telling wife to get the f out of the car and find a ride, she has no right to speak because she’s “new here” (dating and living together for 3 years at this point). The following brunch she apologized in a crowd with a hushed voice at a table of 20 people trying to have a group conversation again privately to my wife “I’m sorry you get so upset” and my wife told her “that is not an apology.” The following several hours in the car with grandma and stepcousin and wife were some of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. At a gas station I pulled my mom aside and said I need ther to give a huge apology, that it was so nasty and inappropriate, my brother and I are used to abusive language and aggressive behavior but to my pregnant wife and any other human being it is disgusting and unacceptable. Sitting in the car was quiet for many hours until we got to the airport. No speaking about what happened just mom happy go lucky about Tennessee and Dollywood and wife and I in shock, cousin still half in the bag from a fun wedding, grandma 90 years old probably confused about what happened.
The family groupchat: Im waiting on an apology from my mother to my wife who is extremely hurt and expressed to my mom loads of time she needs to reach out and apologize. We’re not talking until she will do so. It is bugging me and keeping me up at night. My appendix flares up and I am admitted to the hospital with emergency appendectomy. Still pregnant Wife suggests I reach out to mom to let her know what’s going on. So I text mom I’m at the hospital and will have surgery. I send a pic or something that on my end says hasn’t gone through. Mom group texts our family group with stepdad, his daughters, brother and his wife, and grandma that I am in the hospital and attaches the pic I sent of me in there. Then she continues to rave about the success of her startup company and how they got FDA approved clinical trials finally completed or some pivotal moment that made the text about her. Wife and I are in a hospital so the picture comes up on moms end as unable to have been sent. Mom assumes that my wife has blocked her phone, so mom removes my wife from the chat. Wife is rushing home to take care of the dogs at this point and is not alerted on her phone, but on everyone else’s phone it clearly reads “(mom) has removed (wife) from the chat.” Immediately I text my mom and basically say how dare you do that to her she is the one who insisted I let you know out of respect and mom responds with blah blah she did this she did that I will not have it. So I go back to the family chat and remove mother. At this point I let everyone in the chat know what my mother has done and how she refuses to take responsibility for how she made my wife feel, address her feelings, apologize or do anything at all to reach out about the wedding incident or even inquire about the wellbeing of the pregnancy for her first grandchild. Stepdad finally steps in and tells me “enough.” Grandma says “shame on you.” I am dumbfounded. This is a hush hush family that hates to have anything out in the open and likes to maintain a picture perfect image. For examples; 1) I and wife were on the family Christmas card of a photo taken at the wedding that the whole world received except for wife and I. 2)brothers alcoholism was to remain hidden from the family as was his rehab treatment and how it affected his career. Now understand that they like to keep things quiet but that is not how I want to handle my problems, these things trigger alcohol use and violent outbursts on my part that I no longer wish to live through. Now appendectomy’s are pretty simple so I recovered quickly (it don’t rupture we just took it out). But during the time I was scheduled to be under anesthesia, stepdad reaches out to wife to have a chat and clear the air. Wife waits until I come to so i can be there and I hear the conversation. He claims to be here as a middleman like a business meeting to fix things once and for all. Wife and I are like wow great. He then proceeds to double down on my moms behalf that they will not be apologizing or meet any of her demands as she had already apologized as confirmed by 90yo grandma who was in the car and my mother herself. The term he used was stalemate to describe the situation. Wife and I are shocked but she has me keep quiet to show me what he will say. He proceeds to yell at her and they were screaming at each other, again steamrolling the conversation assuring us that he was down the middle yet maintains that mom has made a sufficient apology that needs to be accepted and wife needs to grow up and move on, then wishing her luck with the baby and a nice life. Next day I call stepdad to see how it went. He reassures me that he has done all he can and everything is back to normal. At this point I call him out and tell him I was conscious and explain to him what an apology is. But there is no dialogue with this guy like there is no dialogue with my mother. He proceeds to talk loudly over me like she does and basically call me a piece of shit for the amount he and mother have done for me. I speak to him first time like I never have before by calling him a hands off father and a pussy of a man who finally reaches out while he thinks I am under anesthesia to yell at my wife then pretend it’s cool, and I basically tell him he has never done a single thing for me to try and develop me into a man or nurture me as a child into an adult, but he thinks taking me on fishing trips and ski vacations are equivalent to love and nurturing growth and development just like my mom does. I reassure him that he has no right to talk about family being that he ruined his own as well as mine and couldn’t even tell my dad to his face that it was him who was sleeping with my mom behind his back when my dad came to him very upset as a friend when he got an anonymous phone tip at work one day. Then him and my mom laughed about it in court when my dad brought it up during the divorce. We ended with swearing and I felt very happy for finally giving my true feelings to him.
The birth: Months go by and nobody has said a thing. I can’t sleep at night seeing how much love I am getting from my father and his side for the baby, and my wife’s family, then thinking about how my own mother hasn’t reached out a single time. I’m dreaming about beating up my stepdad and it’s driving me mad. So weeks before the due date I reach out to my mom begging her to clear things up and apologize to my wife. Nothing. A week later i tell her how disappointed and abandoned I feel and want her in the family. Nothing. Baby comes a couple days early. Everyone is excited. Mom texts me begging for photos and to let everyone know. I tell her my brother and two stepsisters have received photos. I ask her to please reach out to wife she still needs to make amends for what’s happened between them and all she needs to do is reach out. Mom’s responses have been defensive, derisive, projecting, playing victim and referring to herself as a kicked puppy. Telling me my wife needs to apologize to her and making the conversation about mother son instead. She is beating around the bush. And she is sending me photos of my own baby that I did not send her. Her friends are congratulating me that I did not tell. Again she is pretending that everything is ok and it is not. She asked me to apologize to her husband for what I said on the phone that day. I said ok, watch this. So I sent the guy a message that was very apologetic and not passive aggressive or backhanded comments in any way. Still my mom won’t say anything.
Now: Baby is 6 days old. He is the best thing in my life and I wish my family were involved but it seems like I am living in a fantasy world where everyone can be happy together. I can be a jerk and have a terrible relationship with my mom, but I want more than anything to just feel loved enough where she can swallow her pride and make amends with my wife. Thats it. And she asked the other day to put a family group chat so everyone can be involved… for real? I know she is stressed with a high pressure job, but it seems heartless to me. She asks what big items she can get for the baby. Mom, baby is here we have everything for a couple months already. I said the biggest thing you can do is reach out and have a heart to heart with my wife so this rift can end and we can at least be cordial if you two can’t get along. I don’t think it will happen.
How do I mend this relationship between my wife and my mother?
submitted by Markusictus to u/Markusictus [link] [comments]
Little history: I probably introduced them too quickly. My grandmother was in town in south Florida about to move here from Illinois for a retirement community. My wife, girlfriend at the time, came with cookies or some form of baked goods like she usually does when visiting someone as a sign of affection and respect. Where it went wrong from here I have no idea. I suppose the initial crack was when wife scheduled a skitrip for her and I to have as a 1 year of dating anniversary present. We are not rich, this is a huge gift that made sense to her since I refused to let her pay rent. Our combines salaries are barely over 120k. So wife calls mom 6 months in advance because she is a planner for the sole purpose of asking my mom to watch one of our four dogs. Wife has already paid in full for the trip. Yet Mom decides it is a great idea to instead use the opportunity to hop on and take a family trip because it is the last time the family will have for a family vacation - I am the oldest of two boys and two stepsisters, my mom married the guy she left my father for who has twin girls of his own that were in the womb during the infidelity. Anyway mom completely takes over and decides to make our one year gift a family vacation, so she books tickets for a hotel nearby. Wife is bold but at the time not bold enough to stop my mom in her tracks for overstepping a boundary. At this time she still respected my mother and kind of let herself get steamrolled.
Probably skippable Family history: Now I have always had issues with my mother, resentment for leaving my father for my stepdad behind my own fathers back and constantly trying to keep brother and I from seeing “Disneyland dad who doesn’t do any of the work but gets all the fun.” my mother was very strict growing up, always bringing us to church and making my father feel guilty for not bringing brother and I on his weekend. So mom marries stepdad age 11, divorces him around 13 after asking me advice for her relationship and i encourage her to move out. Then remarries him and moves us back into his house age 15. Here I begin rebellion and normal teeenager stuff but stepdad won’t butt in because he isn’t my “biological father” so would have my mom intervene brother and i from behind the scenes. For example, I am young and messing around on the piano because music is important and I never had any formal training and mom comes in to tell me stepdad “wants to know when the concert is going to end because it is a little annoying.” Anyway, they have me prescribed adderall at 16 and in the parking lot holding my first prescription I am told that they would like me to move out and in with my father, who had chased us every time mom and stepdad moved several miles away (5 moves from age 5-15 all in one county). Anyway, brother and I are recovering alcoholics with (my) slipups triggered from interactions or visiting my mom, which mom claims is genetics from my father alone and has nothing to do with her. Maternal grandfather, mother, and I have some nasty temper problems which certainly are exacerbated by drinking (at least mine and moms).
Skitrip revelations: Wife and I are on the way to brothers graduation in Chicago, and wife has yet to reveal to me that my mother has taken over her massive investment of a couples ski vacation and it will now be a family vacation for mom, stepdad, brother, two stepsisters who are all getting out of gradschool. On the way to the airport I am told the news by future wife of my one year surprise. So I get upset and call my mom to call it off. She obliges my request and now holds resentment against me and now wife for “ruining her last family vacation.” Fine, whatever. Mother never says a word about it for months until we are out for a distant family members birthday dinner and at a table of about 8-10 people that are having a group conversation and gets real close to my wife’s ear and tells her privately along the lines of “you deprived our family of our last family vacation.” During this time my wife is frantically tapping my leg under the table because my mom can get a little aggressive. My mom saw this and later (privately to me) mocked her for doing it to my leg under the table.
Christmas blessings: Closer to Christmas maybe 2/3 weeks later we went to go see my mom and my mom had a couple drinks in her (not an alcoholic like brother and I just very sensitive to a couple glasses of wine and occasionally some hidden sips of wine or something) and invites my wife to Christmas church and out to dinner after because the family needs photos for a Christmas card and future wife “will be the photographer for it.” Now this can easily be a nothing comment but given the way my mom had been making future wife feel, it was taken as an insult. So wife declined church and showed up to family dinner just in time for photography session to be over.
The distance: Then mom moves to a fancy house up the coast and invites us up to visit. At first it is ok to bring the 4 dogs then the day before she says they will not have dogs at the house and we can easily find a sitter. 2 Dogs don’t get along, they need to be separated always as there has been two attacks on one from the other, so we can’t trust someone to come to the house and keep them separate and we won’t board 4 dogs it’s too expensive for us. Anyway we go back and forth being invited with the dogs then they retract the offer and say pick one dog to bring and leave the others and it’s just annoying, so we say forget it and don’t go. But my brother becomes engaged and decides to throw his engagement party at my mom’s new place near the beach. Great. First all the dogs are welcome, then day before they say it is too chaotic and she will pay for a small hotel room for one night for future wife and her dogs and my one (the attack dog) can stay in a crate at the house with me but I may not leave the dog to stay with her. And no reasonable cheap hotel in the area is going to accommodate 4 dogs. Anyway wife is stressed but feels obligated to come because I am the best man and I stay at the house while she checks her dogs into the hotel. Wife had made a cheesecake and brought it up in a separate car from me, 4 hour drive by the way, and night of.. my mom says no desserts for engagement party dinner, the dessert is themed or some crazy stuff. Wife shows up to dinner a little later and very flustered because of the situation plus I had relapsed on a bottle of whiskey a couple days prior to seeing my mom. Related, I don’t know. Anyway. Mom has had a couple drinks and future wife and I are talking about having children and religion comes up. Mom asks what we were thinking of doing about baptism or not and I jokingly said (guiltily to get on my moms nerves a bit) that he would have a bris and would love it if she would come to the bar mitzvah. now my wife’s mom was forced to convert from Catholicism to Judaism for her own mother in laws acceptance for a failed marriage so wife is not religious, but it hurt my wife and reasonably so when my mom replied “oh, son, I raised you better than that.” Still no acknowlegement of fault from that comment and mom thinks wife is “overly sensitive, dramatic, and childish” for wanting an apology for it.
Weddings: Future wife becomes current wife. We had gotten engaged on our next anniversary trip she planned for us. I proposed on our bike and barge through tulip season in holland with our feet in the water of the North Sea after a picnic in the dunes. her family business manufactures photo albums for professional photographers, so aside from our families all being divorced, estranged, difficult, and us trying to save money, we did not have a wedding, we just did the paperwork within a month of the proposal. I had already decided to have a baby with her before the trip so we were trying. 2 weeks before brothers wedding in Tennessee we become pregnant, so we break news immediately as to not steal limelight from brothers expensive wedding. Mom says she will cover cost of rental car so we can save money. Ok great. She books the tiny car and we pack it and head up the Smokey mountains to the cabins we are staying at. Two cabins for grooms family, one for his mother and one for his father, ten paces from each other: they havnt spoken but twice im since divorce in 1995 but through lawyers. Grandmother, mother, stepdad, 2 stepsisters and one boyfriend stayed in mom’s side. Wife and I stay at father’s side cabin with just his wife. His Wife’s 3 daughters and family’s stayed a town away down the mountain among extended family. Anyway, beautiful wedding takes place. My wife is sent into town to collect flowers and run errands for my mom which she happily obliged to since she is a solitary person and did not want wedding day drama. Day after, we are loading our rental sedan with our bags. Mom and grandma need a ride to the airport and our flight is before theirs so they will drop off the car for us 4 hours or so after we go to the airport 5 hours from current time. We’re loading the car. Stepcousin passed out in mother’s cabin night before and needed a ride. Disorganized brunch for 20 people is trying to be made. Father’s wife’s daughter books a reservation for 10 people which include her family, her sisters, me, my wife, dad, and their mom. My stepdad had left for home at this point as he had taken his own suv instead of flying with my mom and 90 year old grandma. So mom is trying to pack grandma in the car with bags and my wife and stepcousin. At this point mother asks stepmother if she and grandma are on reservation for the brunch. Stepmom says no they are not, she wasn’t sure of their plans. Mom says under her breath “fucking assholes, so typical,” and she goes into a bit of a rage to which my stepmom says here “it’s ok I will call and add you two it’s no big deal.” So we continue packing the car and realize we won’t all fit. So my wife tells my stepcousin to go ride with my father to the restaurant 10 minutes away we will meet you there. Mom says to wife, “no you go with the father.” Wife says “no I am going to ride with my husband” mom gets close to her face with her finger and says “this is my car, you can fucking Uber!” Wife is 6 weeks pregnant at this point and it all escalated from here. wife and mother start yelling at each other swearing at each other and we get into the car, mom behind wife who was in shotgun. 2 occasions on the trip I had to stop the car because mom had taken off her seatbelt to stand over the seat and scream in my wife’s face with so much vigor that spit came on to her face multiple times. I’m trying to tell them both to behave and mom sit down shut the f up. Mom is telling wife to get the f out of the car and find a ride, she has no right to speak because she’s “new here” (dating and living together for 3 years at this point). The following brunch she apologized in a crowd with a hushed voice at a table of 20 people trying to have a group conversation again privately to my wife “I’m sorry you get so upset” and my wife told her “that is not an apology.” The following several hours in the car with grandma and stepcousin and wife were some of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. At a gas station I pulled my mom aside and said I need ther to give a huge apology, that it was so nasty and inappropriate, my brother and I are used to abusive language and aggressive behavior but to my pregnant wife and any other human being it is disgusting and unacceptable. Sitting in the car was quiet for many hours until we got to the airport. No speaking about what happened just mom happy go lucky about Tennessee and Dollywood and wife and I in shock, cousin still half in the bag from a fun wedding, grandma 90 years old probably confused about what happened.
The family groupchat: Im waiting on an apology from my mother to my wife who is extremely hurt and expressed to my mom loads of time she needs to reach out and apologize. We’re not talking until she will do so. It is bugging me and keeping me up at night. My appendix flares up and I am admitted to the hospital with emergency appendectomy. Still pregnant Wife suggests I reach out to mom to let her know what’s going on. So I text mom I’m at the hospital and will have surgery. I send a pic or something that on my end says hasn’t gone through. Mom group texts our family group with stepdad, his daughters, brother and his wife, and grandma that I am in the hospital and attaches the pic I sent of me in there. Then she continues to rave about the success of her startup company and how they got FDA approved clinical trials finally completed or some pivotal moment that made the text about her. Wife and I are in a hospital so the picture comes up on moms end as unable to have been sent. Mom assumes that my wife has blocked her phone, so mom removes my wife from the chat. Wife is rushing home to take care of the dogs at this point and is not alerted on her phone, but on everyone else’s phone it clearly reads “(mom) has removed (wife) from the chat.” Immediately I text my mom and basically say how dare you do that to her she is the one who insisted I let you know out of respect and mom responds with blah blah she did this she did that I will not have it. So I go back to the family chat and remove mother. At this point I let everyone in the chat know what my mother has done and how she refuses to take responsibility for how she made my wife feel, address her feelings, apologize or do anything at all to reach out about the wedding incident or even inquire about the wellbeing of the pregnancy for her first grandchild. Stepdad finally steps in and tells me “enough.” Grandma says “shame on you.” I am dumbfounded. This is a hush hush family that hates to have anything out in the open and likes to maintain a picture perfect image. For examples; 1) I and wife were on the family Christmas card of a photo taken at the wedding that the whole world received except for wife and I. 2)brothers alcoholism was to remain hidden from the family as was his rehab treatment and how it affected his career. Now understand that they like to keep things quiet but that is not how I want to handle my problems, these things trigger alcohol use and violent outbursts on my part that I no longer wish to live through. Now appendectomy’s are pretty simple so I recovered quickly (it don’t rupture we just took it out). But during the time I was scheduled to be under anesthesia, stepdad reaches out to wife to have a chat and clear the air. Wife waits until I come to so i can be there and I hear the conversation. He claims to be here as a middleman like a business meeting to fix things once and for all. Wife and I are like wow great. He then proceeds to double down on my moms behalf that they will not be apologizing or meet any of her demands as she had already apologized as confirmed by 90yo grandma who was in the car and my mother herself. The term he used was stalemate to describe the situation. Wife and I are shocked but she has me keep quiet to show me what he will say. He proceeds to yell at her and they were screaming at each other, again steamrolling the conversation assuring us that he was down the middle yet maintains that mom has made a sufficient apology that needs to be accepted and wife needs to grow up and move on, then wishing her luck with the baby and a nice life. Next day I call stepdad to see how it went. He reassures me that he has done all he can and everything is back to normal. At this point I call him out and tell him I was conscious and explain to him what an apology is. But there is no dialogue with this guy like there is no dialogue with my mother. He proceeds to talk loudly over me like she does and basically call me a piece of shit for the amount he and mother have done for me. I speak to him first time like I never have before by calling him a hands off father and a pussy of a man who finally reaches out while he thinks I am under anesthesia to yell at my wife then pretend it’s cool, and I basically tell him he has never done a single thing for me to try and develop me into a man or nurture me as a child into an adult, but he thinks taking me on fishing trips and ski vacations are equivalent to love and nurturing growth and development just like my mom does. I reassure him that he has no right to talk about family being that he ruined his own as well as mine and couldn’t even tell my dad to his face that it was him who was sleeping with my mom behind his back when my dad came to him very upset as a friend when he got an anonymous phone tip at work one day. Then him and my mom laughed about it in court when my dad brought it up during the divorce. We ended with swearing and I felt very happy for finally giving my true feelings to him.
The birth: Months go by and nobody has said a thing. I can’t sleep at night seeing how much love I am getting from my father and his side for the baby, and my wife’s family, then thinking about how my own mother hasn’t reached out a single time. I’m dreaming about beating up my stepdad and it’s driving me mad. So weeks before the due date I reach out to my mom begging her to clear things up and apologize to my wife. Nothing. A week later i tell her how disappointed and abandoned I feel and want her in the family. Nothing. Baby comes a couple days early. Everyone is excited. Mom texts me begging for photos and to let everyone know. I tell her my brother and two stepsisters have received photos. I ask her to please reach out to wife she still needs to make amends for what’s happened between them and all she needs to do is reach out. Mom’s responses have been defensive, derisive, projecting, playing victim and referring to herself as a kicked puppy. Telling me my wife needs to apologize to her and making the conversation about mother son instead. She is beating around the bush. And she is sending me photos of my own baby that I did not send her. Her friends are congratulating me that I did not tell. Again she is pretending that everything is ok and it is not. She asked me to apologize to her husband for what I said on the phone that day. I said ok, watch this. So I sent the guy a message that was very apologetic and not passive aggressive or backhanded comments in any way. Still my mom won’t say anything.
Now: Baby is 6 days old. He is the best thing in my life and I wish my family were involved but it seems like I am living in a fantasy world where everyone can be happy together. I can be a jerk and have a terrible relationship with my mom, but I want more than anything to just feel loved enough where she can swallow her pride and make amends with my wife. Thats it. And she asked the other day to put a family group chat so everyone can be involved… for real? I know she is stressed with a high pressure job, but it seems heartless to me. She asks what big items she can get for the baby. Mom, baby is here we have everything for a couple months already. I said the biggest thing you can do is reach out and have a heart to heart with my wife so this rift can end and we can at least be cordial if you two can’t get along. I don’t think it will happen.
How do I mend this relationship between my wife and my mother?
2024.05.15 05:53 shaneka69 CANCER ZODIAC - UNEXPECTED INCOME! TAROT READING MAY 2024
CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024
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2024.05.15 05:44 shaneka69 LIBRA ZODIAC PREDICTIONS MAY 2024
LIBRA ZODIAC PREDICTIONS MAY 2024
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2024.05.15 05:15 Smartest_Termite While we're compiling clips for the edits - can we make an edit of all the times Hasan refers to Destiny as a "40 year old man" but with both of their birthdays / ages on screen for clarity?
They're 32 and 35 respectively.
submitted by Smartest_Termite to Destiny [link] [comments]
2024.05.15 05:12 Foreign_Friend8971 (UPDATE) AITAH For telling my wife she's free to find a hotel room if she doesn't want my daughter here?
I've been thinking a lot and in fact I'm the AH because of the way I treated my wife, Even if most of the comments agreed with me, I don't think it was right to say that to the woman I love even though I was angry.
I apologized to her for what I said and the way I said it but I told her that I don't like it when she ignores me and gives me the cold shoulder when I try to talk about our issues and the fact that she denied the familiarity between our son and daughter was just cruel, she apologized for it and said she was angry and said things she regret.
I made it clear to her that Anna is coming even if she doesn't like it because no one can forbid any of my children to live with me, she tried to argue but I asked her how she would feel if we divorced and my new girlfriend refuses to let our son live with me just because she didn't sign up for it. I asked her if she would appreciate a man who abandons his children for a woman more than a man who cares about his children, if she would feel confident knowing that she is married to a man who abandons his children that easily.
My wife said no, that obviously she knows how much I care about our children and hates the kind of mans who abandons their kids, that she knew she wanted to have a child with me because she saw how even though my daughter was so far away I made video calls to her every day and we always help each other with things around the house. Then I asked her why she rejects the idea of my daughter being here and she admitted being jealous of Anna, it is something that I have noticed in the past. For example, for one of my daughter's birthday I sent money to her mother to buy her a dress that was quite expensive and my wife just said 'I guess you will buy our son something just as expensive' it was my mistake to let those comments pass and think they were just a weird joke.
She said that she doesn't want my daughter to come and took time away from our son, that bothered me and I told her that if we had two children my time would also be divided and that as a father I can give the same attention to both, Changing our routine doesn't have to be a negative thing and she knows that Ana is not a problem teenager.
We talked a lot, My wife admitted that her jealousy is wrong but it's how she feels and she feels awful for that after realizing what she was doing, I told her that feeling isn't right, being jealous of my daughter isn't right and I told her that it would be okay to start going to the psychologist if we want to fix this because I'm not going to leave my daughter live in a place where she doesn't feel loved, my wife accepted after talking about it a lot these days and she wants to work on herself about that because doesn't like feeling like that about a little girl.
My wife and daughter always had a nice treatment, when I make video calls with Anna, my wife usually talks a little but not that much, I think my mistake was not offering my wife to make video calls alone with Anna like Anna does with my toddler sometimes. My daughter really likes my wife and calls her 'auntie' even if they don't know each other too well, so I don't want her to know how my wife really feels about her.
I offered my wife to teach her how to play the same video game I play with my daughter so they can play together and get to know each other more, I know Ana would love that! They both have a lot of same intereses, she accepted and said she loves me and wants to try it for me and for our toddler.
If I leave my wife I would be breaking my son's house, he's my baby too and the last thing I want is letting adult matters affect him, I don't want to do that and I love this woman, I want this to work and I'm going to do my part for it but the first moment she treats my daughter badly, I will end things with her and I clarified that to her and she was right with that and promised me to work on this.
I still haven't confirmed anything to Ana's mother about the date on which our daughter can come since I need to fix the room for her first and I want my wife and little girl to get to know each other better, talking about it with my psychologist, he told me that the best thing is always to get them closer little by little before Ana comes to live here. This last four days my wife and Ana have been talking longer and I told Ana that we could teach my wife how to play with us, Ana feels really comfortable talking with my wife and they started talking about random things which I feel out of because I don't understand about the things they talk about, but I'm pretty glad to see that they actually have things to talk about.
I suppose a lot of people are going to call me an idiot for not divorcing my wife because that was what most of the comments told me, but it's not all that simple as "Yeah, we argued so let's get divorced and have 50/50 of custody" And I personally think it's been better for us to have spoken up like mature people instead of just getting divorced. Seeing that my wife has opened up to me and is trying to work things out, I prefer to give this a second chance and hope that she can see my daughter as her friend and even as her family if she allows it to herself. "Your wife is going to treat your daughter badly" No one can read the future to say that, but in the meantime I prefer to maintain a positive approach since my wife has never behaved badly with my daughter and my daughter knows that if she feels uncomfortable, she can talk about it with her mom, stepdad, or me. Ana has a sharp tongue so I doubt she'll stay quiet if my wife makes any comments that make her uncomfortable.
I'm not going to force them to be bestfriends, I want them both to flow on their own. I'm also not going to use my daughter as a free babysitter as many in the comments suggested as a supposed solution And both she and her brother can live in this house as long as they want.
Edit: In the previous post several people said that my wife also made a post here but it's false, she doesn't use this site
submitted by Foreign_Friend8971 to AITAH [link] [comments]
I apologized to her for what I said and the way I said it but I told her that I don't like it when she ignores me and gives me the cold shoulder when I try to talk about our issues and the fact that she denied the familiarity between our son and daughter was just cruel, she apologized for it and said she was angry and said things she regret.
I made it clear to her that Anna is coming even if she doesn't like it because no one can forbid any of my children to live with me, she tried to argue but I asked her how she would feel if we divorced and my new girlfriend refuses to let our son live with me just because she didn't sign up for it. I asked her if she would appreciate a man who abandons his children for a woman more than a man who cares about his children, if she would feel confident knowing that she is married to a man who abandons his children that easily.
My wife said no, that obviously she knows how much I care about our children and hates the kind of mans who abandons their kids, that she knew she wanted to have a child with me because she saw how even though my daughter was so far away I made video calls to her every day and we always help each other with things around the house. Then I asked her why she rejects the idea of my daughter being here and she admitted being jealous of Anna, it is something that I have noticed in the past. For example, for one of my daughter's birthday I sent money to her mother to buy her a dress that was quite expensive and my wife just said 'I guess you will buy our son something just as expensive' it was my mistake to let those comments pass and think they were just a weird joke.
She said that she doesn't want my daughter to come and took time away from our son, that bothered me and I told her that if we had two children my time would also be divided and that as a father I can give the same attention to both, Changing our routine doesn't have to be a negative thing and she knows that Ana is not a problem teenager.
We talked a lot, My wife admitted that her jealousy is wrong but it's how she feels and she feels awful for that after realizing what she was doing, I told her that feeling isn't right, being jealous of my daughter isn't right and I told her that it would be okay to start going to the psychologist if we want to fix this because I'm not going to leave my daughter live in a place where she doesn't feel loved, my wife accepted after talking about it a lot these days and she wants to work on herself about that because doesn't like feeling like that about a little girl.
My wife and daughter always had a nice treatment, when I make video calls with Anna, my wife usually talks a little but not that much, I think my mistake was not offering my wife to make video calls alone with Anna like Anna does with my toddler sometimes. My daughter really likes my wife and calls her 'auntie' even if they don't know each other too well, so I don't want her to know how my wife really feels about her.
I offered my wife to teach her how to play the same video game I play with my daughter so they can play together and get to know each other more, I know Ana would love that! They both have a lot of same intereses, she accepted and said she loves me and wants to try it for me and for our toddler.
If I leave my wife I would be breaking my son's house, he's my baby too and the last thing I want is letting adult matters affect him, I don't want to do that and I love this woman, I want this to work and I'm going to do my part for it but the first moment she treats my daughter badly, I will end things with her and I clarified that to her and she was right with that and promised me to work on this.
I still haven't confirmed anything to Ana's mother about the date on which our daughter can come since I need to fix the room for her first and I want my wife and little girl to get to know each other better, talking about it with my psychologist, he told me that the best thing is always to get them closer little by little before Ana comes to live here. This last four days my wife and Ana have been talking longer and I told Ana that we could teach my wife how to play with us, Ana feels really comfortable talking with my wife and they started talking about random things which I feel out of because I don't understand about the things they talk about, but I'm pretty glad to see that they actually have things to talk about.
I suppose a lot of people are going to call me an idiot for not divorcing my wife because that was what most of the comments told me, but it's not all that simple as "Yeah, we argued so let's get divorced and have 50/50 of custody" And I personally think it's been better for us to have spoken up like mature people instead of just getting divorced. Seeing that my wife has opened up to me and is trying to work things out, I prefer to give this a second chance and hope that she can see my daughter as her friend and even as her family if she allows it to herself. "Your wife is going to treat your daughter badly" No one can read the future to say that, but in the meantime I prefer to maintain a positive approach since my wife has never behaved badly with my daughter and my daughter knows that if she feels uncomfortable, she can talk about it with her mom, stepdad, or me. Ana has a sharp tongue so I doubt she'll stay quiet if my wife makes any comments that make her uncomfortable.
I'm not going to force them to be bestfriends, I want them both to flow on their own. I'm also not going to use my daughter as a free babysitter as many in the comments suggested as a supposed solution And both she and her brother can live in this house as long as they want.
Edit: In the previous post several people said that my wife also made a post here but it's false, she doesn't use this site
2024.05.15 05:08 NoGuidance07 WIBTBF: if I went no contact with my parents after their actions this past year?
I (21F) & now husband (23M) got engaged with my parents blessing. A couple months later while staying at my at my then fiancé house for the night he receives a text from my father (40M)(threatening his life. Along the lines of “You’re having premarital sex & I don’t approve, therefore it makes me feel murderous” For context they are very religious to an extreme. When my then fiancé told me about the text I immediately went home, packed my things and moved them out of my parents home & into my fiancé’s. I couldn’t see how I could start a life with this man if I couldn’t defend him against my family. I then asked my mother(42F) about the situation and she sided with my father. The texts were non stop for about 2 weeks afterwards. Most of them repeating the first text he had sent and some aimed at me stating that “I have no morals & I have given my honor away”. At this point I had to confront my father about the situation. His response to me is that if my then fiancé could not apologize to him for having sex with me then it was proof that he was just using me for my body and would throw me away the second he felt like it. Me & my now husband have since went on to get a civil wedding because we didn’t feel that it would be appropriate to have my parents present at the wedding.
Fast forward to my 21st birthday a couple weeks ago & I receive a text from my father stating to “not over do the alcohol because that’s how your aunt died”. For context my aunt died due to complications with the alcoholism late last year & it was a shock to all of us. He then proceeded to say”if your husband wants to take advantage of you because you are drunk, just let him, kids are great. I once again asked my mother what she thought of this & she took his side saying it was a joke.
I’m conflicted & confused. I love my parents but the last year has shown my just how non-supportive & controlling they are of me.
WIBTBF if I went no contact with them?
submitted by NoGuidance07 to AmItheButtface [link] [comments]
Fast forward to my 21st birthday a couple weeks ago & I receive a text from my father stating to “not over do the alcohol because that’s how your aunt died”. For context my aunt died due to complications with the alcoholism late last year & it was a shock to all of us. He then proceeded to say”if your husband wants to take advantage of you because you are drunk, just let him, kids are great. I once again asked my mother what she thought of this & she took his side saying it was a joke.
I’m conflicted & confused. I love my parents but the last year has shown my just how non-supportive & controlling they are of me.
WIBTBF if I went no contact with them?
2024.05.15 04:57 Reasonable-Solid2572 Am I the asshole for deciding to drop my best friend on an ultimatum she doesn’t know about
This is kind of a long one, so get prepared. I (f 19) am planning on dropping my best friend of seven years (f 20)exactly one year from now over an ultimatum that she doesn’t necessarily know about. This is going to take a little backstory. About three years ago, my best friend and I go on a two-man. We meet these two boys we end up dating them and hers ends after 8 months and mine became a 3 year on & off relationship. It was a very unhealthy relationship both myself and my ex boyfriend suffered quite a bit from it. (We were trauma bonded) We were consistently on & off. We would talk to each other until one of us got mad and then would take a break and just continue the cycle. Throughout all of it my best friend was a pusher. The first 8 months she pushed our relationship bc she was dating his bsf and she knew that meant she could hangout with me more (she usually gets a bf and doesn’t know how to split time) after she broke up with his one friend she starts fucking with his other friend (who has a gf) so now she want me to date my ex bc it’s the only place this friend can go without raising suspicion FROM HIS GF. THEN she begins dating ANOTHER one of his friends. I’m not even joking she had dated/ talked to every single one of my ex’s friends. I have asked her many times over the years not to talk about my ex, not to ask me to hangout around him or their friend group and all she does is talk abt them especially now that her bf is bsfs with him. You get the gist. Shes weirdly obsessed with him and I’s relationship and personally I think a friend should be supporting things that are healthy for you and not encouraging you to get back together with your ex boyfriend. I also need you to understand that she is the type of person to act like she’s mature but deep down she’s petty as fuck and hates being told she is in the wrong and will absolutely play the victim and flip the cards right back on you. So there is really no point in addressing the situation with her again. I have asked her numerous times not to involve me in that bs and not to talk to me about what he is doing, the girls he’s talking to, stuff he posts. Because I DONT CARE and she has not once listened. It’s all she talk about when I’m around her and it’s fucking weird. Cherry on top she has decided that because my ex boyfriend and her have such close birthdays and basically all the same friends they are going to have JOINT BORTHDAY PARTY. I wish I was joking my bestfriend and my ex are having a joint birthday party. Literally what did I do to deserve this and how on Earth can anybody think this is okay ????to my point of dropping her. I decide around 6 months ago that I was no longer putting myself in these positions and that I was permanently staying away from my ex. So I have given my best friend 1 year from today to cease all talk and friendship with my ex without telling her. I’m in college rn and I really don’t have many other friends and I don’t want to have a boring college experience so Im keeping her around for at leas occasional one on one friend time. She usually wants her boyfriend and one of his random friends to be around so I don’t feel like Im third wheeling but I have cut off all hangout unless there is a full plan of what we are doing and it’s just her and I, no boys. Do u have a better idea on how to approach this??
submitted by Reasonable-Solid2572 to AITAH [link] [comments]
2024.05.15 04:55 ExtremeNope How old?
How old were you when you got divorced?
Todays my birthday and everything feels terribly calm. Not that I'm happy about it by any means. I'm 30 and separated for almost 3 months. After being married for 7 years I honestly don't know what to do besides work and force myself to feel good in isolation.
I've felt isolated for last 3 years while being with someone and it still feels better than being with them, I cried with my family when they gathered to celebrate for me because man, that feels so good when you've spent the day at work thinking you're alone and deserve to be alone.
I don't deserve it for the record.
I've earned it.
I've put someone else's needs before mine for YEARS. Back burned myself over and over to support and love someone I knew even before then they couldn't reciprocate. I begged and pleaded, went to counseling and I still ended up asking for a divorce. I even spent weeks trying to pull myself out of the empathy loop. They're trying, they're working many hours, they didn't mean to say that, they're just going through a rough patch, they're just not ready and I thought if I could be just a little bit more empathetic then I'd be able to get through this.
But in reality I've traded compassion for empathy.
I was so scared to turn 30. But now I can't wait for my next decade.
The decade of compassion.
submitted by ExtremeNope to Divorce [link] [comments]
Todays my birthday and everything feels terribly calm. Not that I'm happy about it by any means. I'm 30 and separated for almost 3 months. After being married for 7 years I honestly don't know what to do besides work and force myself to feel good in isolation.
I've felt isolated for last 3 years while being with someone and it still feels better than being with them, I cried with my family when they gathered to celebrate for me because man, that feels so good when you've spent the day at work thinking you're alone and deserve to be alone.
I don't deserve it for the record.
I've earned it.
I've put someone else's needs before mine for YEARS. Back burned myself over and over to support and love someone I knew even before then they couldn't reciprocate. I begged and pleaded, went to counseling and I still ended up asking for a divorce. I even spent weeks trying to pull myself out of the empathy loop. They're trying, they're working many hours, they didn't mean to say that, they're just going through a rough patch, they're just not ready and I thought if I could be just a little bit more empathetic then I'd be able to get through this.
But in reality I've traded compassion for empathy.
I was so scared to turn 30. But now I can't wait for my next decade.
The decade of compassion.