I have a story and I am hoping someone can tell me the best way to find my wedding ring.
I purchased my wife a used riding lawnmower and had to remove the deck to get it home. Upon putting the deck back on I hooked my ring and put it down on the mower. After getting the deck back on and before I realized I forgot my ring my wife had cut two acres of the grass here. I have tried looking, my wife and daughter have now spent two days looking. We even used the cheap $100 metal detector we found when we moved into this house back in February. I am lost and cannot figure out what to do.
This ring signifies a turning point in my life. Three weeks after marrying my wife our house burned down. The only thing we had were the clothes on our backs and I found my ring sitting on my dresser after the fire. (Family home left to me for providing care for elderly parents until they passed in 2013&2015). Got fired from my job April 1st due to my narcolepsy acting up. And through every one of my pitfalls my wife has remained optimistic and by my side. The one symbol of us is now lost in my yard. The messed up part is that this is the first time we cut the grass since moving in and I lost my wedding band. I normally do not wear jewelry as I have been a machine operator and welder going on 15 years now. So when I took the ring off it never seemed out of place that it was not on my hand.
I am wondering the best way to find this ring or the best inexpensive metal detector and how to operate it to find this. If there is anyone in the Belleville mi area that wants to look I am ok with that too. I am just sick knowing I lost this. The ring was made from my father’s wedding band and since the fire it is all I have left of my parents (reused gold that my wife paid too much to have the ring made. It is a single diamond with our initials inscribed with our wedding date on it)
Any way anyone can point me in the right direction let me know. I will update this if any updates are needed. If this is not allowed sorry and please delete.

So my husband (drummer) and I (vocalist) live in a smallish town where there aren't a lot of heavy metal musicians but wanted to start a metal band so we started one a year and a half ago with a guitar player and bass player (best friends) who played thrash. Our ad for band members was clear about us wanting to play symphonic metal and preferably 2 guitar players. At our first meeting and in our first jamming session everything sounded good. The guitar player said he had been playing like 20 years and could play a lot of fast riffs so we hired him. Ever since there's been all this stuff that's come up. For example he said he didn't want to add another guitar player because no one can keep up with him. He talked us into getting a keyboard player instead even though my husband wanted to make the symphonic elements on Reaper and other software. Soon it became evident that there were problems with sing writing. He would only play the same riff repeatedly through a song, and wouldn't tighten it up (he doesn't count or use a metronome or listen to the drums, so the riff can be oddly timed and inconsistent. This was really evident when we tried plugging his riffs into Ableton. Also he doesn't lead into any kind of chorus. He argued that the vocalist is supposed to lead those changes but that doesn't make sense to me and even if I try, he's often kind of lost in his own world. The keyboard player had music theory but quit the band after trying to add structure didn't work.
Meanwhile, the guitar player asked that we play a cover which we were all ok with since we didn't have songs. But then when I suggested a cover he said "I don't want to be a cover band so if you want to play covers you have to do it without me in the band". After that he suggested yet another 2 covers as did the bass player, but the guitar player only wants to play the covers he suggested.
After a year, our keyboard player quit. Then we had a great jam session and came up with 4 or 5 song ideas but they were still basically just a single repeated riff. I went home and came up with lyrics and melodies based on those riffs and all we had to do was structure them out and add the different parts. Even though I printed lyrics, tried adding practice recordings to the drive etc. He would forget any new parts other than his original single riff. My husband tried to get him to adapt open key strumming or just playing chords from the melody I wrote during the choruses or vocals. The bass player even tried to help by listening to what I was singing and showing him the chords. Unfortunately the guitar player won't really take other people's suggestions to help adapt the guitar parts to the melodies in the choruses so he forgets everything and then at practice when we are trying to work those songs he goes into a noodle session or breaks out into an improv riff then races about how we should use that instead. But again... it's only one riff with no added parts, key changes or structure.
All of the time he could be spending helping us write songs or practicing he spends on buying equipment and merchandise and talking to people who can market us, do a big light show and get us gigs. But we have 1 original song!!!!!
Now what's happening is he has a lot of connections in the music industry so he brought this guy over the other day who talked about managing us and doing a demo in a few weeks and us booking gigs. I don't even know if the dude is aware that we only have one song but the drummer and I freaked out because yeah... 1 freaking song. On top of that all the song last I wrote lyrics and full melodies for, he t seems to abandon. There's been times when after a jam session of him playing the same riff for like 5-10 minutes he says we write a song and how awesome it was even though it had no lyrics, no set vocal melody and no distinct verses, choruses or changes. If he does add change to a song it's usually him playing the riff clean then distorted.
My husband and I are at our wits end. We can't add a guitar player, we can't make suggestions because he won't take them, he tosses a song when we try to add structure, and he seems more concerned with making it big than working on the music. I think he literally just wants me to slap any vocals to his riffs, play it for 5-10 minutes and call it a song.
I finally lost my temper the other day and pointed out that he won't play what anyone else wants to play, refuses to wear in ears or play with a metronome, etc. Oh and he insisted on getting band shirts to sell and put a bunch of money into it and expects us to sell them. How are we supposed to sell shirts when we have never had a show, only have 1 song and are nowhere near booking one??? We thought about getting new band members but we don't have a place to play and there just aren't many heavy metal musicians in a driveable distance. Is this even fixable????

I know a lot of producers have talked about unsolicited feedback in the past but this post isn't about that. It's about feedback for various projects and feedback that gets requested and given. This also applies equally to original production in many cases.
A good number of mashup producers do not tend to master or don't apply limiters on tracks, or just make them softer compared to commercial levels. When albums get mastered, loudness will usually be adjusted through various plugins (EQ, multiband compressors, limiters, clippers, etc.) to shape masters so that one track is not significantly louder or softer than another especially back-to-back and groups of tracks follow a certain sound.
What this means is that once your softer mashup of -14 or -15 LUFS or softer is amplified to commercial levels in the -7 to -11 LUFS range or more depending on genre and how the overall track should sound given peaks and valleys with softer and louder parts (LUFS stands for loudness units full scale, look that up), small issues may stand out like thorns when amplified. Bottom line: Don't take the small or big issues personally; we're all human, we all miss things, and we can all improve. You may learn something new!
Think of it like how you ask to proofread writing to check for spelling or grammar and have it work for the audience.
All this to say, feedback I give or others give based on small details may come across as nit-picks at first. Don't completely discount them. You never know who will want to play your tracks, and this could range from personal playlists all the way up to DJ gigs and big festival stages.
In the case of a club DJ or performances on festival stages, volumes will be significantly louder than what you may have worked with when you created the track. I've given the restaurant food analogy before but I'll give it again: If something clearly doesn't taste good, people won't usually know why. But an experienced chef who knows how the ingredients interact sure will.
Just something to think about as you improve on mashup production and production in general.
Here are some issues below that experienced mashup producers could point out. Note that a lot of the "don't do this" stuff is really code for "don't do this unless you really know you're doing and it sounds good":

Big issues

• Out of key (OOK): This refers to wrong key signature (e.g. mixing A Minor with B Minor), not blue notes from modes or short moments of modulation. Key rule of thumb: If you're going to use key databases, verify by ear. Tunebat is the least accurate. If you must do so, use a reliable key database like the ones in this post. DJ software can work, but some automatic key detection performs better than others and are far from perfect. Above all, databases are not perfect and some will be far from it, so ears will be the final judge of whether a pairing sounds good.
• Out of tempo/time (OOT): this usually refers to wrong tempo (e.g. mixing a 116 BPM track with a 118 BPM track) or not constant tempo and going out of time. Key rule of thumb: Sync your tracks and if you need to use any form of warping (see Ableton), be prepared to do so.
• Incorrect/bad beat alignment: This is more for when a vocal or element is offbeat enough that it really sticks out as a trainwreck when mixed together
• Wrong beat/out of structure/off structure: This is when a vocal or other element is placed on a beat that doesn't make sense for what it's combined with (e.g. placing the first word of a vocal over an instrumental on beat 2 when it was meant for beat 1). Mileage will vary, sometimes the vocal beat placement only makes sense for the original song and makes less sense on others.
• Distortion from going in the red: This is when the overall mix or elements sound distorted because the volume of each track channel is too loud and either alone or combined goes well above 0 dBFS (a.k.a. into the red). Key rule of thumb: Start your track volumes at -6 dB (not 0 dB) and then adjust to taste. Don't go into the red unless you absolutely know what you're doing.
• Elements way too soft or loud: This is more along the lines of not being able to hear the added vocals or elements at all or they're too loud that you can't hear the other elements in the mix.
• Big mood mismatch: This tends to be less egregious, but if sources don't cooperate at all to a point of completely ruining the vibe, the mashup could stick out like a sore thumb from the start. Mileage will vary, and sometimes your audience would appreciate this especially with genre clashes even to the point of creating memes. But it depends on what you're going for, and sometimes you want consistency for certain albums and groups of tracks.

Smaller issues

• Fifth traps/not picking the right keys to use: This is a specific version of another problem I'll touch on, but this happens when you mix keys fifths or fourths away (e.g. F Major and C Major) and the chord progressions don't cooperate. What makes this a trap is that the pairing might appear to sound good at first glance, but when you look back at what you made, you probably could have made a better sounding pairing if you had just picked sources in key, relative key (e.g. A Minor and C Major), or parallel to the mode type (i.e. A Minor with A Dorian since Dorian is a minor mode). This Berklee Online article is a really good starting point to modes. With modes, mileage will vary.
• Out of progression/blue notes: This can happen when there are short moments where the element clashes on top of other elements (e.g. modes or short moments of different modulation). Sometimes the tracks may not be compatible, but other times it's just a part with notes outside the scale. This can be fixed by doing small note changes, but be careful not to make it too obvious, otherwise it might sound like you're forcing the pairing to work. It may also follow the same theme as fifth traps, where you could have made a better sounding pairing if you had just picked sources in key, relative key (e.g. A Minor and C Major), or parallel to the mode type (i.e. A Minor with A Dorian since Dorian is a minor mode). This Berklee Online article is a really good starting point to modes. With modes, mileage will vary.
• Low quality sources: This happens with YouTube or other rips where the elements are lower quality due to a lower frequency cutoff (YouTube is usually 15.5 kHz for AAC, other platforms may be 15-16 kHz for 128 kbps MP3, etc.). Bottom line: Get the highest quality sources you can, and use Spek or another spectrum analysis software to check rips or record pool sources. Your ears and processing algorithms will thank you. Again, you never know who will listen to or play out your track, could even be a big sound system.
• Stem separation artifacts: This can take several different forms, but can happen when either the invert or stem separation algorithm being used adds noise or other unwanted high end artifacts like high hats that once amplified, will absolutely stand out in a mix. This also includes artifacts from stem separation algorithms like Utagoe which make vocals sound like they're underwater at default settings. Key rule of thumb: Remember that the instrumental and original could be mixed and mastered differently depending on the production environment and how masters spread. If an invert makes a vocal stand out more but just needs extra cleaning, don't be afraid to combine the invert technique (original + instrumental) with stem separation. When using multiple stem separation techniques or using different sources (like remix + remix instrumental), think about how they sound on parts of the instrumental and consider picking the best extraction for a given part; remember that this includes using the original song (this is called comping in the production world). If there are parts of vocals intended to be silent and there are artifacts, don't be afraid to replace the reverb + delay with your own. Keep up to date with stem separation algorithms by keeping up with developments on the Audio Separation Discord server: https://discord.gg/wY3AAaTvHT
• Weird time-stretch and pitch-shift artifacts: This can happen when using a lower quality time-stretch or a time-stretch that can destroy transients/drum hits (Audacity or Elastique Efficient on vocals, older Elastique Pro on full instrumentals) or pitching too much and/or with too much/little formant preserve. The best way to reduce these effects on instrumental is to think about combining stem separation with ways to improve quality (pitch everything BUT the drums unless tonal, experiment with different time stretch methods on different elements, etc.). For too much pitch or formant preserve, either pick sources that are closer in key (+/- 2 semitones is a good rule of thumb) and try to control the amount of formant preservation and/or envelope (in Ableton) to make the vocals sound more natural. Formant preserve is usually a good idea for pitched vocals, but can sound bad for pitched instrumentals especially drums depending on the track.
• Pops or clicks while editing: This tends to happen when elements like vocals are cut off when not at zero volume. Key rule of thumb: Edit to zero crossing and/or use fades to cut off regions or when combining different regions together.
• Flanging, phasing, or flamming while editing: Sometimes these effects are on purpose, but oftentimes when crossfading between different parts of an instrumental, both parts of the edit don't align on beat. Flanging and phasing applies for sample level edits (ms or more), flamming for tenths or hundredths of seconds (e.g. 0.05 sec or 0.1 sec). Flamming is a drumming term for when the same part of the drum kit (usually the snare drum) is hit twice with different sticks at close to but not exactly the same time.
• Vocals or other elements end too suddenly in an edit: You may want to get different vocals to interact with each other or edit out of artifacts from vocal stem separation, but the other vocal (or elements) sound like they were cut off. Key rule of thumb: Have a reverb effect handy, and if you're working in a DAW, take advantage of wet/dry automation and combine the reverb with delay afterwards in the effect chain for vocals and other elements so when you crank up the wet the decay helps fade out the element gracefully.
• Vocals or other elements start too suddenly or out of place when connecting them or transitioning: This also considers getting different vocals or other elements to work together or going to a new part, but refers to a new part using vocals or other elements sounding out of place at the beginning of a region in a transition. Key rule of thumb: Watch your crossfades and when you're in a pinch and want to start the next part gracefully, don't be afraid to use reverse reverb or other effect like a riser to introduce a completely new element or different part in a pinch. Reverse reverb is exactly what it sounds: Adding reverb to a short snippet of an element like a cymbal, vocal note, or pad, and then applying reverse on it. Often this is done by choosing a tonal center to transition into, choosing a small snippet to add reverb to, choosing reverb with a long decay time and big space (usually I do a Cathedral reverb), reversing it, and then carefully aligning the reverse reverb so the end of it hits the beginning of the next region. Whew that was a lot! Tutorials will do this much more justice but this is the general idea.
• Vocals too dry or too wet for the instrumental: Usually this depends on the instrumental's genre. For genres like pop or EDM, vocals tend to have some reverb applied to make them shine. For others like alternative and some classic hip-hop, the reverb might be less or no wet or a completely different type. This issue usually refers to too little reverb (too dry) or too much reverb (too wet). Key rule of thumb: Don't forget to have reverb handy. You might need it. Keep your wet low in the middle of a vocal depending on what you're trying to do (think 3-5% wet or - on the low side
• Vocals or other elements slightly too loud or soft: Self-explanatory, this is usually an issue where elements should be the right volume for elements to work well together.
• Vocals or other elements drowned out/don't gel due to hypercompression: This usually happens when using a vocal not from an EDM, hyperpop, hard rock, or other genre where there is hypercompression but no matter how much volume amount you try elements like vocals don't gel and compete for space in the mid range. Two common techniques take the form of adding more compression to a vocal to stand up to an hypercompressed instrumental and/or reducing mid band EQ of the other source (which could come from sidechaining). For the added compression, it tends to be done with either multiple compressors in series (e.g. two compressors using low threshold + high ratio and high threshold + low ratio) or through various guitar distortion plugins on settings meant for vocals (e.g. Camelcrusher with British Clean or certain presets of OTT). Don't be afraid to experiment.
• Master too loud or soft for the genre: This usually takes the form of using limiters and other effects to make certain tracks too loud for the genre intended, or not using anything at all and the track is too soft for the genre/commercial sound. This can come down to taste, but how a track was produced can affect how loud you master. Mileage will vary; listen to how loud tracks are made and emulate your favorites assuming nothing too egregious.
• Stereo issues: This can happen if there are elements out of phase when trying to combine mono and stereo or applying other effects. It's a bit more difficult to diagnose, but one rule of thumb is to test your overall track on different playback systems (from headphones to big speakers and even your phone or small bluetooth speaker which will effectively test mono depending on the device).

Wow that was a lot and I know it's very overwhelming who don't produce a ton. There might be more issues I didn't mention here, so let me know if there's anything else that could be useful.

Backstory: we've been married 6 years. Ups and downs like all marriages, but generally very good. We've wrestled like mentioned below countless times, except how the particular incident ended tonight.
This evening, my wife and I were laying in bed relaxing. She was on her phone, I was playing a phone game. I then turned my volume up and started spamming a button in the game "to be annoying" as I put it, in a playful way. She then looked over at me and said, "annoying, eh?"
She then proceeded to start wrestling with me and pushing buttons on my phone to be annoying in a playful way. It turned into; I put my phone down and we were full on wrestling and giggling.
After a few minutes of going back and forth, I ended up pinning her. (I want to pause and say that I never intended for this to lead to anything sexual. Tonight, we were both just relaxing until we were tired enough to sleep.)
So I pinned her, and I bent my head down and sucked on her nipple for just a second. I wasn't really thinking, I just went for it. Again, I didn't mean for it to lead to anything else I was just playing. Immediately as my mouth went down she said ,"NO. I'm done." So, I hopped off her quickly and sat there feeling gross. I could tell she did not like nor appreciate it. She turned her back to me and laid for about 10min in silence. The silence cut through me because I could just feel that I really f***ed up. I didn't even know what to say.
She then got up quickly and went to her dresser drawers. She pulled out pants and a shirt and said, "I'm going to sleep in the other room..."
I replied, "Honey, what's wrong? What did I do?"
She said back, "I feel like you violated me. I don't feel comfortable around you right now."
At this moment, my soul got crushed. That's the last thing I wanted to hear that I've done to her. My throat swelled because of my shame and disgust that I caused her those feelings. She went to the bathroom after getting dressed to go one more time before bed and I tried to speak to her through the door and immediately tried to apologize and let her know it was a mistake and I didn't mean to upset her at all. She did not reply. I know she wants space, but I couldn't even imagine trying to sleep after this without first trying to apologize. So, I waited on our bed and then when she came out of the bathroom I tried to explain myself to her and she locked herself in the spare bedroom and didn't say anything.
You're caught up to now. I know it'll take a bit of time to patch this, space too even. Does anyone here have any advice on ways that I can help us heal this? This is the first time something like this has happened between us where I made her feel violated. I'm pretty down in the dumps and kicking myself.

I have the following merch I'm letting go if anyone is interested. 311 ETSD photo shirt in black. XL. 311 blue album long sleeve w/ alien on back. XL. 311 blue album band photo zip up hoodie XL.
I'll let it all go for a bundle price or individuals. I accept PayPal and just looking to get fair price for it all. Bundle deal for all 3 would be 75 bucks. Free shipping. Smoke free home. Like new condition.

TL:DR I don't go out often and mistakenly walked outside of a bar with a drink and wasn't allowed back inside.
Yeah so, I don't go out often, but I went to a local place and bought tickets to see some bands playing that night and everything was fine until I made the mistake of accidently walking outside with a drink.
I took maybe two steps outside before some guy I hadn't seen all night, didn't show him my tickets, didn't show him ID, not like the other staff I had seen up to that point, dressed in normal clothes walks up, grabs the drink from my hand and stands in front of the door blocking me and my friend from going back inside. He was also blocking people from leaving.
I said "my bad we'll go back inside, didn't know" to which he would cut me off and say "nope, you're done" etc. that's when I started thinking maybe this is just some homeless guy, so I offered to buy him a drink instead just thinking I could go in and tell the staff what's going on. He wouldn't move and started getting more aggressive calling me a smartass etc.
At some point I managed to get my drink from him and walked away.
I had a smoke, finished my drink and called an Uber. While I was waiting the same guy turned the corner and was pointing at me saying "that's the smartass over there" to some guy also dressed in normal clothes that told me he was the general manager(?) and in a shaky voice basically said "you should know better." Just sketchy vibes all around.
At that point my Uber was there so I just left. I get that I did a stupid move by walking outside with an open drink, but is that typical behaviour for doormen/bouncers? It seemed a bit extra for what was essentially a misunderstanding.
And I confirmed with them that it was their security and not a random person, best to say I won't be going back there anytime soon.

Winona county pre-petitioned commitment after I made 5 911 calls to Winona county police fearing that my mom was being held hostage and wouldn’t come home to help me because somebody stole my cars keys and there was no food in the house and somebody dropped food off at my house (never saw them) as I was given a bad cut. During this time someone came into the house and stole my shit and then returned. My neighbor has no outlet so I chased the suspected person working for the police as my neighbors assuming they called the police after they saw me block the thief unable to to run me over as I stood in the road. The police returned my shit some time later as I was confused by everything I was glad I had my wax back which is 100% legal oddly my shit was back too. It was pure bath salts because I went crazy after that. I chanted to hell because I knew the police told me mom I was too dangerous to be around and I’m sure they wanted to send a drug that would make me susceptible to delusional thoughts thinking it would become permanent. The state has been committing me since 2017 for bogus reasons. After they had the evidence of me making 5 911 phones they tried to commit me but since I went bat shit crazy, I left the house thinking I was being poisoned by radon by all the smoke in there. I was swatted in cannons falls where I was being stalked by people and backed into a stalker in the parking lot. It was someone who saw me in psychosis and wanted to check on me but called the sheriff and 10 sqaud cars were sent. I had around 8 grams in 4 different buckets and bath salts on me in my car at the time. The swat team didn’t take it and I was in the fetal position of a squad car and they sent me to Mayo Clinic for mental illness. Let me tell you I backed into somebody’s car in a parking lot. My car was not damaged. A crowd of people saw me terrified as I heard orders and a count down to shoot me if I stepped out of the car. I had a small seizure in the ER as I don’t get the help I need because they won’t give me Ativan and instead antipsychotics which never help. While I was in the psych ward my memory of this was clear. I recorded videos of myself to remember what happened plus I gained my memory back. And Mayo Clinic doctors Dr. Roth said he was not going to commit me. Dr. Roth knows went to the same university I did, harder to get into than U ofM. The sheriff went into generose would go to the psych ward and ask the patients questions and my doctor told him to get the fuck out of there as he didn’t have to serve papers to anyone. We couldn’t figure out what he was investigating. Many patients there were my age and even someone from Egypt was suspiciously being detained and said he was there against his will. He did not have a last name because it didn’t translate, his wrist band only said Salem. He expressed his idea for peace in the Middle East and said make Jerusalemits own city state. Later the nurses said he was going home but later changed their minds and said they were sending him to a different ward instead. Obviously detained for reasons biased to his political views because people abusing the position of power to continue to administer medication after being offended as they were in opposition to what is happening in the Middle East. Jews and Somalis decided if this Arab man from Egypt was crazy. A woman from Africa who didn’t understand English and needed a translator was being civilly committed with a court order to take antipsychotic neuroleptics after she been struggling after divorce. She said the voices she heard were only coming from here guilty conscience as she was expressing she was misunderstood by the doctor and didn’t need help, but it was l through a translator who was speaking for her. Many of the other people there didn’t have real problems and would voluntarily sign in to the psych ward believing the bullshit that pills fix problems and stayed less than a week. The nurses ask stupid questions like if we are depressed and suicidal and oddly ask if we could spell lunch backwards which indicates high functioning cognitive functioning in a particular area of the brain which will help the nursing staff know the patient hasn’t fried the brain and can recognize symbols better than average suggesting the cognitive functioning has not deteriorated to the degree of permanent brain damage or permanent delusions. Drug induced Psychosis is ruled out. I could spell lunch backwards the fallowing day and could recognize reality going forward with my life without medication. Three weeks ago I went to the hospital after a police officer in Duluth reported that I was disorganized and told saint Luke’s. I asked for help after becoming ill suddenly and extremely nauseous. I had no where to go. I asked to be treated for hep c or hiv which they did but also sent me to the psych ward where again the doctor committed me and pre-petition an order from the court that’s I go to treatment and take antipsychotics for 6 months. After being through this process 3 times in less than a year I knew to say I voluntarily go to treatment to the court examiners in Winona county. The didn’t proceed with the doctors order. I have been in the psych ward for a total of 4 months and I have good teeth and don’t think treatment helps people like me. I’m tired of people saying I need to go to treatment. I’m tired of people calling the cops on me because I’m high. I’m tired of police dictating my life making up bogus excuses old their job is to recognize mental health issues when all I needed was to go to sleep. Oregon is where I need to go, fuck this GEN I have millennial problems that we can figure out ourselves on our own. Poverty of some kind is my problem and I need to go live in a better state for millennials.

Chapter 3
Hurricane Georg.
Our first contact with the new world was a colossal hurricane. Veins of lightning shattered through the black, swirling clouds. I had just tried to calm the nerves of the ship when I saw Suri sitting in the hall beneath the control room.
She was in a lounge corner with her suitcase opened and her supplies scattered across the small table. The little light from the window illuminated her drawing for me to see over her shoulder.
The black and white sketch began at the bow of the ship. The figure of a man in facing the open ocean. Ahead of him, the familiar despair of Hurricane Georg. The man had his back towards the artist, but his stature sailed through the fierce storm without worry. His gaze only in the beautiful sight of home on the other side.
Her pencil began to etch the details of his crewmans jacket, "You have a gift, Suri. Truly, you do."
She was ahead of me, she did not jump or gasp as I had expected, "Thank you, Capi. I saw you in the reflection. Im hard to get the jump on."
"Then this shouldnt surprise you," I smiled and approached her table. "My capi stars are on the right side, "I stepped back and tapped my shoulder."
Disappointment inked her face, darkening her mood, "Dam."
I laughed and pulled up a chair. She had captured the view from the window perfectly and I made a point to tell her. As we talked the storm outside began to fade. The world around us was healed and the worries of yesterday had never existed.
Her eyes were near black, in color, and her skin was incredibly warm. Physical characteristic were useless to determine where a person was from, but 500 years ago, she would have fit at home with the people of the Middle East. Had I been a different man, her beauty and brain would make a perfect partner.
The longer I stared, the darker the world around us became. Until she broke my gaze and looked shocked at something through the window.
"Did you see that?"
"No, what was it?"
"I-Im not sure..." her face drained of color as the harsh rocking of the storm was interrupted by something else. Suri and I were flung off our chairs onto the floor, her supplies pelting us as they flew through the air. I tried to stand, but my legs were too soft to make it easy.
I struggled to a kneel using the bolted-down desk. Suri gasped and I looked down. The longer I looked, the itchier it became. Once more the world grew darker and I only had enough energy for a simple joke.
"Mr. Morgs was right about those things."
"Gud morning, Capi!" Ennay cheered from the wall-mounted screen.
I struggled to sit myself up. I was in the infirmary, only Ennay was there to greet me. My jacket was gone. All I had on was a white t-shirt and grey shorts.
"Officer Angelhart had your attire taken to be cleaned," Ennay chimed in, "Today is Wednesday, sir, 4:13am. Its the morning after you lost consciousness."
I thanked him and asked him to catch me up on the happenings in the passed half day.
"The reality is unclear, Capi, but Helmsman Archer believes we were attacked by a... a sea monster, sir."
"Archer? Hes no storyteller. Why?" I swung my legs over the bed, "get him down here or tell him im on my way."
Ennay surprised me with his fast response, "No. Sir, We had a breach. Ms. Aziz told the Doctor you had severed and artery during a spell of turbulence. The New Horizon had actually made contact with something what breached the hull. Damage Control responded in 4 minutes and were quick to contain flooding. However, we sustained a second breach."
Before he could continue, I dropped back onto the bed, "Whats the status?"
"On the New Horizon? Operational. A few sections had to be permanently sealed until we are out of this storm."
"And Damage Control?"
Ennay did not respond as quickly as he had been. It felt like an eternity before he told me, "6 casualties," the room fell completely silent. I couldnt even hear my heart beating, "5 fatalities. Sergant Franccigo Blanco is recovering in Infirmary 4C. He is unconscious, but has sustained gruesome wounds. Officer Angelhart declared a S.O.E. to assume your position. Otherwise,..."
"Yes, yes, the prosthetics. I hate that system."
"Well, sir, you are able to disable it."
"What?"
"Its not a very common scenario, but since we are not in International Sea, the law requiring your presence does not necessarily need to be enforced."
I sat back and thought for a second, "Ill discuss it with Dr. Mally. Where are they all?"
"Dr. Mally is in Infirmary 4C with Sergant Blanco. Officer Angelhart is your office filling out an incident report for both your accident and the breaches."
"Thank you, Ennay. Tell Max I am on my way and then let Dr. Mally know I will meet her shortly."
"Of course, sir."
My office was silent except for the fan gently spinning from the ceiling. Across from me was a young man, mid-twenties, with dusty blond hair. His uniform was perfect, he has even removed his hat on the perfect beat upon entering the room.
The appearance and demeanor any ship captain would be beyond proud to accept on his ship. It had just been dumb luck that he had lost both of his eyes to shrapnel sealing off the lower corridors during the state of emergency yesterday.
I poured Mr. Blanco a drink, 2444 Geoff Russel - The Hearty Mans Drink. I needed to finish the incident report, but Id never ask a man to relive what he had without a bit of buzz to his bite.
"So, Sargent Blanco, I-"
"You can call me, Fran, Capi."
"And you can call me Santago, for tonight anyway," I continued my questions. I tried my best to stay shallow and not dive deep into the pain Fran had endures just hours ago.
We talked about the 5 fatalities.
"Did you... see... them die?"
The gauze replacing his eyes stared at me, blankly. His face was uncanny, unhuman. Like the man inside may actually have been a 6th dead body.
"No," he quickly took a drink, "I did hear them, though. They yelled and screamed for me to open the door. I- I couldnt see. I thought the sea water had poisoned me somehow. I kept rubbing and rubbing my eyes hoping to get whatever radioactive stuff out of my head..." He took a breath. He was remarkably calm. Agitated, of course. But calm.
He continued, "I looked through the window on the bulkhead and the last thing I saw was Aleks staring back at me. His eyes were... he was calling out for me, I am sure of it. But something got him and he was sucked out."
"I am so sorry, Fran," I tried to write as quietly as possible to not remind him of the formality, "Do you know what got him?"
He finished his glass. As he set it down, he missed the table. The cup did not shatter, but it had jolted Fran from his memory. He lost his composure.
He started yelling at me about a horrific beast he had seen. How Aleks, Private Aleksander Igorsen, had been encased in blood and black sludge. He swung his hands wildly at the table in a rage, but had only managed to knock over a lamp.
Pity does not begin to describe what I felt watching him. Like a bleeding animal continuing to run from the wolves despite not knowing he was already surrounded. In him, I saw death. I saw anger. I saw fear. I saw what he was feeling imaging the creature that killed his men.
I grappled with him, trying to make my location known and always talking to him. I was not some monster from the unknown blackness set on hunting him and he needed to know that. He continued to struggle until I had completely engulfed his whirlwind into a hug. The screams turned to cries and then to whimpers.
After some time, I dismissed him back to his room and instructed Ennay that he was on suicide watch. Sergant Franccigo Blanco had earned a promotion or a permanent dismissal, whichever he wanted, but I needed him to take time to himself before I reminded him where we are.
The storm was intense, but at least it was consistent. By Katzs reckoning, we are approaching the halfway point of this hurricane. We had entered it 51 hours ago and Katz had said we are another 50 away from clear skies.
Unfortunately for all of us, Katzs theory was not seen through.
It began with our solar panelling being severed from their operating power banks. That was not a major issue, hydropower was our primary source. The issue arose when the New Horizon began to spin.
I had radioed the Helmsman demanding why we are weighing anchor, but the anchor was still resting above water. He said no one dropped the anchor. Something else entirely had us. We rushed to every window, every pane of glass to search for whatever it was that was stopping us.
Ennay spoke out, "Capi, Major Gorlammi has spotted our snag at 129 degrees. Nearest viewpoint is Residential Room L3D, assigned to L-"
I ignored the rest, I needed to see what was in that window. Luckily for me, Lucy Partridge was not home. I burst through the door and, for the first time, I saw a behemoth of a serpent-like creature sticking out of the water. I could not see a head, nor tail. I also had no idea if what I saw was the body or an appendage connected to some inconceivably large beast.
After enough time, I manage to figure out one of the ships heavy guns had pierced the creature and was holding us together. Our best bet was to either rotate the gun and hope its dislodged or to remove the gun entirely.
I relayed this information to Ennay to alerted the Gunner Teams and Damage Control. Yet, none of them would be given the chance. In the distance, silhouetted by sparks of lightning the size of the ship, I saw the head of the creature. It must have been miles away, but the size was unparalleled. Its head leaped from the water and swiveled back towards us. It was like a colossal eel. Flashes of light showed through its skin like veins until it sent a surge into the gun and into the ship.
The lights went out across the boat. The only light was the occasional flash from outside. It was completely dark, but I knew it was still coming for us.
I ran out of the quarters as emergency lights slowly burned. The hallway must have been 100 feet long before Id reach the staircase, but when I was halfway through, my feet left the ground.
I felt weightless for a moment. The lights burned out and all around me was darkness. My heart was incredibly slow or maybe time had slowed. I felt the doorframe to Mrs. Partridges room snap against my elbow. There was no pain. I didnt even feel pain when glass cut across my back as I was hurled through the shattered window.
I crashed into the water, it must have been hundreds of feet below me. I was in shock. I looked around and all I saw was darkness. Then, suddenly, all I saw was light. The eel sent a pulse through its body and for the first time I saw the monster entirely. It surrounded the ship above water, coiled all about the waves, and entangled the entire ocean as deep as I could see.
This is not a colossal eel surviving a hurricane.
This colossal eel is the very being causing the hurricane.
A cosmic terror named Hurricane Georg.

The moment a lot of you have been waiting for is here!
A couple of notes before you read (or after because I would just jump into the list right away too)

1. Direct quotes from Ali herself are in italics.
2. I tried my best to keep everything in timeline order. Some people like The Come Back Kid I placed in the order where they reconnected/talked about on the pod. But I did my best to note this.
3. All this information came from the FMH podcast, the Patreon, the original FMH blog, TikTok and other podcast that feature FMH/Ali. I also crossed reference information with this sub. I got most of this done with the help of the Patreon and listening to 1.75x speed but I lost accessed to the Patreon because my subscription ended.
4. I'm open to edits! Things around the matchmaker era confused me and if anything is incorrect or if I'm missing someone, please let me know! I will note where corrections are made.
5. Some people don't have anything simply because only a name was said or I couldn't find any details about the person/date
6. And of course, please be respectful of all the sub rules!

Names on the original FMH blog

• Mr. Adorable aka The Coach
• Trouble
• Waffles
• Future Husband Brian (FHB)
• Cookie
• Peter Pan
• Ambiguous Goodbye Guy
• Bad Bitch Man

AOL chatroom Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok and on the pod once
Myspace Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok
Third Boyfriend
Met on eCrush.com in 2002 and this was mentioned on the Cracked Up podcast, The Dave Glaser Podcast and Tiktok
The Kiwi
Met on a 2 week Model UN type youth trip in high school when Ali was 15, never a boyfriend but she had a huge crush on him, he tried to kiss Ali and she literally ran away, didn’t talk the rest of the trip but exchanged numbers and screen names (Ali’s was FineGal13 or BeachJewel760), she made him a mixtape cd called “Ali’s really cool mix for The Kiwi” but never sent it and she still has it. In 2021, he DM’d her when she posted photos of her and her mom in France and invites her to visit him in London, she says she can’t but says they should catch up if he comes to NYC
Fourth Boyfriend
Met on OkCupid when you had to use it on the computer, this was mentioned on Tiktok
The Homecoming Date or Light Switch
First boyfriend? (she goes back and forth calling him her first bf or a situationship), a family friend, a month younger than Ali, dated in high school but went to different high schools, football player, made him ask her to her Homecoming dance over email (her words), Ali hid in the bathroom the whole Homecoming dance, 3-4 revisits of this situations as adults, saw him on Bumble a few years ago and texted him that he had a typo in his bio, “he very much wanted to be with me” and now he’s married with a kid. His mom is still “obsessed” with Ali and she listens to FMH
Random college guy
Freshman year of college, Ali doesn’t have a nickname for him/doesn’t remember his real name, met this guy through a friend, was texting him to invite him over to hot tub but her phone autocorrected to “how about some hot rubbing tonight?” but Ali didn’t noticed/didn’t correct it and he never replied, Ali had a house party and got really drunk and was all over him, he left the party early, she messaged him on MySpace 3-4 times asking why he left
The Resident
Matched on Match.com, first guy she dated in NYC after college, older than Ali, a doctor, lasted 3 months ”maybe”, he didn’t like Ali’s friends, got a card from him on her birthday and it said “Love, The Resident” and it took Ali back a little, Ali drinks black coffee because of him, he coordinated having her mom visit NYC for her birthday then he broke up with her a week later
The Ghost
Met at a bar when she was 25, turns out they matched on OkCupid and they already had a date scheduled next week, they dated for 6-8 weeks, had sleepovers, “The worst ghosting experience I’ve ever had”, he borrowed The Great Gatsby from Ali’s roommate, planned to make dinner together after a beach trip in August with her friends and never showed up, Ali is blowing up his phone and gets no reply, two weeks later she finally texts “are you alive? check yes or no” and he responds “Yes”, Ali then ask if he could return the book and gets no reply again, 5 months go by and she receives the book in the mail with the note: “Here’s the book back. Sorry. P.S. sorry about last summer. I was in a bad place. You’re a great person and your salmon is amazing”, since then she has ran into him twice on the streets and matched with him on Bumble
The Coach/Mr. Adorable
First serious boyfriend at 26/27 in 2013, matched on Match.com or met through work depending if you’re listening to the pod or reading her OG blog, clean-cut look, played volleyball, Ali invited him to a friend’s birthday party and they made out in the streets at 4am, on their second date he asked Ali if she was seeing any one and when Ali said no he ask her to be his girlfriend 3 days after their first date, dated for almost 1.5 years or almost 2 years depending on if you’re listening to the pod or the Patreon, first time saying “I love you” to a guy, “lovely guy“, never would posted Ali on his instagram until Ali said something, he “lived” with her for two weeks while he was in between apartments, tried blind folding/hair pulling during sex and she didn’t like it, by the end of their relationship Ali didn’t like sex and thought she wasn’t a very sexual person, after they broke up Ali drunk texted him at 2am and he picked her up and she spent the night and she took her things in the morning in a rolly suitcase, from her blog in 2015: “I just want to be careful I don’t end up with another Mr. Adorable situation, where I find myself dating my platonic best friend”, had drinks with him in 2016 from the blog: “Not in a romantic way (at least on my end)”, Ali still talks to him sometimes through casual instagram DMs, he’s currently (as of 2021) dating someone for 4+ years and Ali thinks they’re going to get engaged
Trouble
OG 2015 FMH blog, never mentioned on the pod, “I was immediately enamored with him”, met at a Beer Olympic party but he worked with one of Ali’s best friends (Ali was still dating The Coach at the time), lived in BK, tattoos and stubble, Ali’s best friend said he was a “fuck boy”, “he very much made me see that it was the right thing for me and The Coach to not be together”, from her blog in 2015: “he has this look in his eye like he’s constantly laughing at me – in a super sexy way”, he texted her saying he didn’t see anything romantically with her and she sent a gif of someone shrugging
Personal side note: Ali has mentioned she has cheated on someone but never disclosed who she cheated on or with. I feel like she cheated on Mr.A/The Coach with Trouble because of the timeline. Just a guess.
Waffles
Matched on Bumble, OG 2015 FMH blog, he asked Ali fuck/marry/kill breakfast foods, dated 2 months around summer time, on Fourth of July while watching fireworks he said how they had a great day and Ali replied with something along the lines with “yeah, it would be better if I could call you my boyfriend”, he said he wanted a relationship but just not with Ali and shortly afterwards they stopped seeing each other
The Buffalo
Lived in Buffalo NY, 6’5, Scorpio, met in 2015 at Adults National volleyball (Ali’s team won that year) where he was heckling her while she was playing, asks Ali’s mom for her number and Ali’s mom said “I guess you’re tall enough” and told him to ask her himself, he flew her out and she met his parents, dated over summer, exclusive but never boyfriend/girlfriend (but called him her LD boyfriend on TikTok), texted and talked on the phone a lot, Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “they had really good banter”, in October he invited her to his cousins wedding and she invited him to her friends wedding, after Ali bought her ticket to his cousins wedding (with the promise he would buy her ticket to her friend’s wedding) he ghosted and stonewalled her, she “poured her heart out to him on voicemail” and he never replied, she asked him to pay her back for her ticket and he got mad that she “made this about money”, 2 years later he told Ali that he freaked out because he really liked her and saw a future with her but knew she would never move to Buffalo and it would “never work”, Ali said at the time she would have considered moving for him, Ali used to have him blocked on Facebook and told all her friends not to update her on info about him (unless she asked). He’s now married and goes to Disney with his wife (which Ali kind of scoffs at?), Ali said on TikTok that she dodged a bullet
Baby Bic
Met him at Adults National years ago, had a flirtationship with him in 2016 when he was 19 years old, ran into him at the Adults Nationals 2021, last texts she got from him were about getting his fake ID taken away at the bar and him visiting her in NYC but Ali didn’t want to buy him beer and drink at her apartment
The Chef
Matched on Tinder around 2016, he loved karaoke, “total shit”, asked Ali to be his girlfriend and to meet his mom after a month, off and on dating, broke up the first time because he was talking to his ex, lied and flew to Mexico to see his ex while dating Ali, that ex sent Ali a Snapchat of them in bed together on that Mexico trip, Ali broke up with him via text and called him a shitty boyfriend, he’s the reason Ali deleted her Snapchat because of drunk Snaps he would send post break up, FB messaged Ali 6 years later (while Roark was visiting/staying with Ali) and said sorry for being a shit head. Ali’s best friends hated him
The Dentist
Met on Halloween in the wild, Canadian, dated NYE 2016- May 2017 “nice guy, not my guy”, one of Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “he adored you, “he was too sweet for me” and “he had no edge to him”, he painted Ali’s cat for her 30th birthday but she was annoyed it was just Rory and not both cats, The Chef texted Ali while on a date/sleeping at his house
ASV - Aspiring Sober Vegan
Met through a friend (her best guy friend’s college roommate) the day before she had to fly out to her dad’s memorial, a doctor, into meditation, remembered him “being cuter” when they went on a first date, felt “the spark”, had “omg this is awesome sex”, Ali described this relationship as a “slow burn” and “the most attracted she ever been to a partner” even thought she didn’t think he was that cute in the beginning, dated 2-3 months before he tried to ghost Ali but they talked and broke up, four months later they start casually dating/FWB because he’s moving but this turns into a ‘middle distance relationship’ and he moves to Philly, had a lot of communication issues but didn't have a lot of fights, wants to live in Ohio and give a % of his income to charity, Ali was close to saying ‘I love you’ but didn’t, he uninvited her to meet his extended family and they got in a fight, broke up with her a couple weeks before their 6 month anniversary at the park while on a picnic and told her that she’s still his favorite person, Ali used to think he was “the one that got away” and would frequently have dreams about him. From what Ali knows, he's sober but not vegan
The Scientist
2017 or 2018ish, from San Diego, went on one date, Ali ended up ghosting him due to the decline in her dad’s health, saw him on Hinge while she was in San Diego for 3 months in 2020, texted him and apologized for ghosting him, ended up going on 2-3 more dates, took a selfie in front of his house and sent it to him but acted like she didn’t know that was his house and made a TikTok about it, things ended up not working but she doesn’t make it clear on who ended it. She can now see she shouldn’t have been going on dates during this time when her dad was sick.
Good on Paper Divorced Dude
Met a couple of years ago (she told this story on TikTok in 2020) on Bumble
The Groomsman
Met at her friend Ashley’s wedding in Chicago Oct 2019, had a “two night stand” with him, texted/talked/FT’d for 3-4 months, divorced, never dated seriously/FWB, saw each other a couple time when he came to NYC, Ali stopped talking with him due to FMH and her trying to find a serious relationship, he starts dating someone, follows FMH on insta, slid into her DM in 2022 and then sent her soup while she was sick, turns out he’s single again, 2 months later Ali is heading to Chicago and texts him “Hello! Reminder that my arrival to your neck of the woods is imminent” and turns out he is now seeing someone and Ali doesn’t see him while in Chicago (at least she doesn’t mention it)
Unnicknamed person
He was her plus one at her best friend from college’s NYE wedding 2019/2020, met and hung out with Ali’s mom, posted photos of them together on her personal Insta story, “fully dating but weren’t official hehe” doesn’t have a nickname/never gave him a nickname? This could be The Latvian/the person she texted her friend in DC about saying “I think I’m on a date with my husband”

Starts FMH on January 2020 on Instagram/TikTok

The Traveler
He was browsing Bumble while Ali was in the bathroom during their first date, he was banned from Bumble and was using his grandma phone number. Ali turned down a second date
The Duke
Early FMH, went for long periods of time in between texts, 7-8 Zoom dates while Ali was in San Diego and he was in NY, Ali said you could see three of his ex’s on his instagram page (without scrolling), they finally went on one date and it was “meh” but they did kiss on their date
The Oyster
Matched on Bumble (he had one photo and no bio) two weeks before Valentines Day, Gemini, a lawyer, part of the 13 First Dates in 30 Days series (he was #13), dated Feb 2020-Aug 2020, love bomber, felt “the spark” and became official after 3 dates, best first date ever??? at the time, said “I love you” to Ali after two weeks, “For most of my relationship with The Oyster, he didn’t live in the city he had moved to Connecticut without telling me”, would fight all the time, opposite political views, Ali felt like a “fucking summer camp director” because she planned all their dates and he would get upset if Ali didn't have a plan, sought out a therapist (Megan) because of her relationship struggles because of him, went to Mass/church, he wanted a traditional marriage/life/wife/kids (at one point had Ali thinking she wanted that), didn’t want to live in NYC, didn’t support BLM, Cindy hated him
The Pilot
Went on 3 dates, texted a lot, didn’t hear back from him in four days and when she said she was looking to date someone who showed more consistency, he replied saying he met someone the day after their last date who seems to have more free time than Ali and he wants to pursue that but would like to be friends, Ali said on TikTok that this other women “bent her schedule to his schedule” and she was unwilling to do that. Mostly talked about him on TikTok
The Analyst
Matched on Bumble two years ago and went on one date, re matched in 2021 and he stood Ali up, she send him a text “getting stood up” script and he never replied. Only mentioned him on TikTok (?)

Ali and Roark start FMH: The Podcast February 2021

The Boomerang
First date on the pod? I couldn't find anything else about him
The Scuba Diver
The Music Man
One date, “he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not for me”, amped up small talk, complimented Ali a lot which made her feel awkward cause she wasn’t feeling it, he texted her and asked for a second date and Ali sent the no ghosting script
The Bet
Uses the phrase “ok bet”, 28 years old shoe designer, only went on one dinner date to a spot he picked, turns out its cash only and he didn’t bring cash, was not into him , not looking for the same thing
The Dinosaur
Nickname was previously The Hawaiian, first date at Dinosaur BBQ, stood in a parking spot to save for Ali, he asked for a kiss after their date and Ali declined saying maybe next time
The Rose
He sent her a rose on hinge, first date was an hour long walk in the park while drinking beer
The Comic
Matched on Hinge, older than Ali (Ali’s friends express how happy they were to hear that), had brunch on their first date (was the first part of a double header but the second guy canceled), listed as “moderate” politically on Hinge, good and easy convo, went back and forth twice over text and then never heard back from him, “technically not ghosting...”
The Camper
Met in the wild at a volleyball tournament in July, lives in Chicago, 27 years old, hung out the whole time, over heard Ali asking someone to get her a make out partner, gave Ali his number, drunkly ask him for a FT date in the future and he didn’t reply, Ali texts him again about a volleyball thing and he replied back with not a lot of enthusiasm, Ali is going to Chicago in Sept for a volleyball tournament and she’s already planning on playing 4-on-4 with her best friend vs. his roommate and maybe The Camper, he texts her saying he has to work on the date of the tournament and won’t be able to do the 4-on-4 game, “I feel like I got broken up with someone I never want to date in the first place”

Ali’s Matchmaker contract starts in August 2021 - 6 matches

The Schmoozer
Went on a dinner date, was chatting up the waitress in a kind of creepy way, was bragging about a lot of things and it turned Ali off and Ali texted him her no ghosting script
The Accountant
1st matchmaker match, 31 years old, lives in BK, his dad has also passed away, easy to talk to, on the third date she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him and in her gut doesn’t feel like this would be a slow burn, Ali breaks things off with him, months (?) later he sent Ali a 5 min long voice memo and they said they were both down to see each other as friends. He later on dated and ghosted Erica
The Aussie
Matched on Hinge, in politics, from Australia but lived all over the place, asked Ali what she’s looking for on the first date and he said he’s “casually looking for something serious”, Ali accidentally walks up to a different person on their second date, Ali texts him saying she would love to see him before he leaves on a trip and she wasn’t happy that it took him till the next day to reply and he can’t see her before he leaves
The Goalie
Was supposed to be Ali’s 2nd match, he’s a paying client, Ali didn’t hear back from him for a while when she told him where she lived, he wrote to the matchmaker saying that she lived too far away even though it states where she lives in her matchmaker profile
The Journalist
2nd matchmaker match, ended things because she was dating/pursuing things with The Discoball and paused her matchmakers matches

The Threepeat
Matched multiple times on dating apps but this recent time with Hinge, Amazon seller, first date was a pizza lunch date (with bubbles aka champagne) and he gave her a single yellow carnation, talked a lot about her “side hustles” aka her food blog, coaching, FMH and the pod (Ali didn’t mentioned the name on FMH), had an awkward half kiss during the date and then gave her a peck when they said goodbye, he had no night stands by his bed?, spent the night but told public pod they had a movie night, different kissing styles, 6 dates, broke things off with Ali two days before her first date with The Rower WHILE Ali was on a Halloween girls trip
The Rower
Dated from Halloween 2021 till early Feb 2022, Pisces who is 6 days older than Ali, has an ex-fiancé (they dated for 8 years, engaged for two of them, she broke off the engagement with him 1.5 years ago once he started dating Ali), has a shared dog with this ex, slept together around Xmas on the fourth date and Ali got a UTI, first time having “omg this is awesome sex” since ASV, first person Ali slept next to wearing an eye mask "that's a big step for me", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, on New Years Day told her that he sees “long term relationship potential” with her but doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 dates, “we didn’t talk all week”, he said he wasn’t as ready as he though to date someone seriously and “I don’t know why I don’t want to be in a relationship with you” they broke up over the phone, Ali said he’s a good human and wants to date someone like him, 3.5 weeks later Ali drunk texted him at 3:00 am saying “its really hard not to talk to you” which Ali said was a lie, he replied back (few days? A week later?) while Ali was on another date and it made her cry a bit, she replied back saying “the door is closed but not locked” in regards if he wants to get back together. “Fin… for now”

2022

The Discoball
Matched on Hinge but didn’t go on a first date for two week, Gemini, used to be a singer in a band, moved from DC to NYC, went on 7 dates in 2022, had a dog w/ ex and ex got full custody once he moved, met one of his friends on the second date, slept with him on the second date “morning and night”, he tried to find the podcast without knowing the name, podcasted from his house in DC, he would send Ali photos of them together “all the time”, gave a virtual presentation from his hotel room, did Molly together in DC, had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, moved to BK (didn’t see each other for 2 months pre-move), had a sex-less sleepover (a milestone for Ali), he showed up for her on her dad’s death date (something that a person she’s dating has never done), used to listen to the pod but stopped before they stopped seeing each other, ghosted her after they had a talk about moving things forward to exclusive and Ali texted him something along the lines of “your silence is the answer” when she didn’t hear back from him for a week and he ghosted her. Ali said he sucks in #77 AUA
Lisbon
The Brit
M&M
The Come Back Kid
They went on 2-3 dates in Nov 2018 and reconnected in May 2022, "felt immediately comfortable", sat next to a very drunk lady on their second 1st date and was supportive but "didn't step on Ali's toes" when the drunk lady said something offensive to Ali, couldn’t remember if they slept together or not, knows about FMH, ghosted Ali
The Trainer
The Cold Brew
The Nomad
3rd matchmaker match, reminded Ali of The Oyster, wanted kids and didn’t want to live in NYC forever, Ali was upset at first because her matchmaker was supposed to screen for that but the matchmaker DID check and it wasn’t mentioned when she was screening The Nomad, no second date because those are dealbreakers to him
The Catcher
Matched on Bumble, “good not great” after their first date, ~April 2022, talked about sports a lot on their first date
The Gentleman
4th matchmaker match, knew about Ali’s FMH socials before their date, Ali didn’t like his texting style, awkward intro on their first date “like hugging a 2 x 4”, he runs a dating event company and actually email Ali to be a guest on the pod when FMH first started, awkward goodbye, didn’t discuss the actual first date on the main pod because she doesn’t want to give him a reason to reach out again
The Tennis Pro
Ali had a good time on their date, “He is an adult, he’s mature” BUT “I don’t think he was into it”
The Padre
Matched on Bumble, 3 dates, from San Diego, “energy mismatch”, doesn’t want to know or listen to FMH, no psychical connection/kiss, only a kiss on the cheek on their last date, “I haven’t spoken to him since Friday night [a week]”, she didn’t want to do what The Threepeat did to her (break up while on vacation/traveling), she said it might be a MOO

Roark leaves and Erica joins the pod Oct 31st 2022

Captain Kirk
5th matchmaker match, found him on Bumble before their in-person date, ghosted Ali AND the matchmaker???
6th matchmaker match
Last match and Ali states she will not talk about this date or anything about it
JFK Kirk?
Matched on Bumble, didn’t realize he’s located in SD, exchanged personal instagram info, not sure where things went or how things ended

Kirk #1
Met in the wild, make out a lot the night they met, “stealing kisses throughout the night”, exchanged numbers, planned a date (no specifics, just the day) but when Ali texted him day of he asked to reschedule (no specifics again), he replied back that he’s picking up a rental car, told him she’s looking for someone to respect her time and he never replied back

2023

The Falcon
First date of 2023, matched on The League, first nickname was “League Kirk”, hard to talk to, felt like Ali was always reaching for the next topic, likes to travel, “there wasn’t a vibe”, MOO
The Roommate
Used to be her friend’s roommate and have met before (Ali doesn’t remember but it was the day after that exclusive convo with The Rower), “totally cute”, reunited at their mutual friend’s engagement party January 2023, made out at the bar, comes back to her place and sleeps over (no sex), Ali questions why her friends never set them up and its because he was taking a break from dating, first date they made out a lot at the bar (again), “I really felt like we were already a couple”, “It didn’t feel like a first date”, mentions her FMH content has popped up on his FYP, tried texting him after their date and he wasn’t giving effort, she’s glad she didn’t sleep with him because “one night stands aren’t my thing”, MOO
The Belgian
Matched on Bumble, accidentally had their first date during a trivia night at a bar, easy to talk to
The Viking
Ali forgot they had a first date on the day of said date
Tinder Man
Matched on Tinder (duh) on Valentine’s Day, first Tinder date in three years, good convo on first date but got a pushy vibe from him at the second bar they went to, put his hand up her sweater and was kissing her in the bar, made Ali uncomfortable and she told him that after her asked her on a second date
The Historian
Matched on Bumble, good conversation on the first date with a wide range of topics like “urban planning and its impact on feminism”, he’s in grad school
The Georgian
Matched on Hinge, he asked if she was free on Friday and she said yes but didn’t hear back from him in two days and in that time she made plans for Friday, rescheduled for a Saturday afternoon date at a dive bar, ate on her way to her date “it would be next level rude to eat on the subway”, good first date, talked about places he wants to take her to
The Publicist
Matched on Tinder, lives in BK, Jewish, one year younger then Ali, good first date, invited him to the Chaotic Singles Party that night, came over to Ali's apartment (which Ali said was messy) before and he made her favorite cocktail for her, a couple of listeners met him at the CSP, goofy and silly convo mixed with deep and serious convos, second date was at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and a tasting menu dinner, he made a Resy reservation and Ali got an email saying she was added to it ”fuck receiving gifts, THAT’S my love language”, he's into words like Ali, he sneezed and Ali said "God bless you" but then corrected herself and said "gesundheit" and he leaned over and kissed her and said he loves that she cares about her words, he met her friends on the third date ”It felt so easy. It felt so comfortable”, her friends took “sneaky” picture and videos of them together which Ali said she loves a sneaky pic, took all their date recap videos on his phone, cooked Ali steak on their fourth date, "it's very comfortable", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, Ali met two of his friends and some of his teammates he plays a rec sport with, had sex the day they took a trip outside of the city, Erica met him before their trip to Greece and I said “he’s dorky in a good way”, WhatsApp video chatted while in Greece and told her “see you in two days!” at the end of their call, said she felt less anxious about him compared to other relationships while on vacation, sent him a birthday present while she was in Greece, felt an energy shift coming back from vacation and didn’t hear back from him 3 days after she came home, Ali requested a call to talk about this distances she was feeling, ”I did the 12 date rule and it didn’t work!”, she said the distance help her see that they’re not compatible, went on a total of 9 dates. Ali talks about the “break up” on episode 123
Mr. Chaotic
Matched on Tinder but he saw Ali at the Chaotic Singles Party and Cassidy the host is there mutual friend, went to a brewery and played games on their first date (Ali said this was her favorite first dates in episode 147 where they recapped 2023), works in entertainment industry, very high energy, knows about FMH and he said she's entertaining to watch, splits his time between NYC and some unknown city, texted while she was in Greece, ”The man gives good texts”
Random Matchmaker Match
Withdrew his match to Ali because he found her FMH socials. Talked about on #71 AUA
Gone with the Wind
Matchmaker match, said some gross things about women in volleyball outfits on their first date, Ali told her matchmaker about this, ”I would describe him as misogynistic overall”, Ali was glad he did say those weird things so early on so she didn’t waste her time, the matchmaker flagged his account. This was around June 2023
The Rock
Ali knows him from an activity that they used to be involved with in the city (she's very vague about what this is) from 8 years ago, he had a very serious/long term GF when they met, follows her personal Insta, has never talked about him because he’s never been a “prospect”, summer 2023 they met up to catch up and found out that he’s now recently single but he’s moving out of NYC for work, Ali texts Cindy saying she thinks this is a date, Cindy said to tell him that you really want to kiss him, he ends up telling Ali “I really want to kiss you”, made out at the bar, Ali invited him back to her apartment and they had sex the night before Ali ended things with The Publicist, “one night stand vibes” but she said she was down to do it again, Patreon only and talked about on #75 AUA
The Tourist
Matched on Hinge, just moved to Brooklynn, went to a brewery in BK for their first date, Ali showed up to the date dripping in sweat, allergic to cats, he sent Ali a ‘no ghosting’ text the next morning
The Stout
Matched on Bumble, ”we had really great banter right away”, laughed the whole time on their first date, talked about going on a second date during their first date
Speed Racer
Matched on Bumble, drinks first date, axe throwing second date, made out after their second date, MOO, randomly texted Ali ~6 months later because he said one of Ali’s date recap videos about him popped up on his FYP (Ali and Erica think this is a lie), he thought Ali wasn’t into him, he claims he was doing all the work with texting even though there was only a few messages since they exchanged numbers after their second date
Billy Joel
Recently sober, Ali said she felt like they had several inside jokes before they met in person, ate pizza on her way to their first date, second date was getting coffee and going to the museum, they cooked dinner together for their third date at Ali’s apartment and they watched 90 Day Fiancé (he didn’t like it), he Googled how to clean a red wine stain when it spilled on her countertop, he asked if she wanted to have sex and she turned it down, the next day/the day before a 7am flight Ali booty called him and they had sex, she was drunk and said the sex wasn’t good/they stopped mid way, helped Ali pack for her flight, Ali said he’s at a crossroad and he doesn’t seem like a long term fit, Erica found a condom on the ground while cat sitting, Ali said she didn’t regret hooking up with him but wishes she hadn’t done it, MOO
Sales Cycle
30 seconds in and Ali said he was very boring, only really talked about his job, stared at Ali’s boobs, “might be a MOO”, texted her ‘merry christmas’

2024

Pie Guy/Dr. Laundry
Matched on The League, 34 years old, requested a nickname change from Pie Guy to Dr. Laundry, he had to cancel their second date because he got hit by a car, went on two dates, Ali sent him a pic of his subway stop saying something along the lines of “the stop isn’t looking as cute today” and turns out someone he dated with in that photo, were supposed to go on a third date the night she got back from a bachelorette party but he didn't answer her text when she said she landed, the next day he asked her how her trip was not acknowledging her previous text at all, Ali expressed her disappointment and he replied that he was tired last night, she said she would've been understanding if he said something then ghosted her
Andddd I stopped listening to the podcast around the Dr. Pie Laundry Guy but have stayed up to date with everything via this sub.
I have a huge interest in dating culture, human behavior and data similar to Ali and this little project of mine was really interesting once I got the framework of this list. I started this list once I found this sub in December 2023 and started re listening to the Patreon while working out (and lost 10 lbs ayeee) and writing down information in my notes app. I did my best to keep this list unbiased and just give facts and information that was said.
My own thoughts after making this list is that I'm very sad for Ali. I didn't realize the extent of her dating history. I think about my own dating history or even my friends who are in their 30's and dating and Ali's dating lore runs so deep. Is Ali unlucky with love? Did she pass on someone that could have been great for her? How has she had so many dates with little success in a long term partner or even going beyond 6-8 dates? Or is Skyline the person she has been waiting for? What's the pattern with all this dates/men? So many questions.
I truly do hope Ali finds her guy because I believe theres someone for everyone. Until then, I'll be hopping into this sub (cause y'all are too funny and give the best advice) and waiting for Ali to find Mr. Height.
Enjoy and I look forward to everyone thoughts! I'll keep my eye out for any edits that need to be made.
Bonus quotes:
“Longest relationship was a little under a year and a half. Haven’t made it past 6 months with anyone else” - AUA #7 11/27/21
“I spent the first 10+ years of my dating life being sort of perennially single” -1. The Actual First One episode 2/21/21
"I think my parent's story is the reason why I think that I can romantically get back together with an ex and it'll work out" -The Dave Glaser Podcast 4/5/21
“Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, with a couple of exceptions, started as a situationship.” -21. The Undefined One 7/11/21
“All of my boyfriends have been white” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“You definitely need an older guy” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“I’ve been on the dating apps since high school. Dating websites at the time” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Who would be the perfect man for Ali?”
“Clearly a combination of the The Dentist and [the early stages of] The Buffalo” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Do you consider The Rower or Disco ball to have been situationships?”
“No, I don't consider either The Rower or The Disco Ball to be situationships” -question asked on TikTok 11/9/22

The Suppressors are a well-organized group made up of people who believe magic must be expunged from society. It is a coalition; its members range from religious fundamentalists to atheists and non-believers to otherwise average folk caught up in the panic. And in the organization are regular people in Suppressor t-shirts, soldiers in magic-nullifying armor, superhuman agents, and the elite individuals in the power structure.
And they’ve been gaining widespread support and traction, holding rallies and book burnings of occult texts. A few of their tactical squads have been harassing superheroes—which those heroes have tolerated because they can take care of themselves.
But now Suppressors have been brazenly attacking innocent people. Dragging tarot readers or psychic mediums out into the street and beating them in broad daylight. Smashing windows and firebombing curio shops. These villains include:
The Grand Suppressor is the apparent leader of the organization. He is Thomas Putnam Praetor, a businessman who noticed that being anti-magic is good for business. His media empire—books, podcasts, videos, local news affiliates—all air or publish anti-magic propaganda. Practicing magic is carefully framed as a moral failing, and some of his more out-there pieces of media paint a conspiracy of elites who breed or abduct children for magical sacrifices and dark rituals. Won’t someone think of the children?
Praeter is hoping to ride this wave of panic as a senatorial candidate, running on the claim that he will expose and destroy that magic conspiracy from the inside. But really, he’s just in it for the money.
The Convert is a high-ranking member of the Suppressors who is often trotted out as a success story. He was once a practicing wizard, they say, weaving dark spells for personal gain, until he saw the light and turned his life around. Secretly the Convert is really still using his magic for the benefit of the Suppressors… where do you think their anti-magic armor gets its power from? He has a host of broad magic powers, from energy blasts to flight to magic nullification.
Crucible hides a badly burned face and body under a suit of light armor. Claims to be a victim of magic himself, though he received his burns in an arson blaze of his own making. “Of course, magic made the fire go out of control,” he justified, “because I was burning down one of their precious cult temples…” Crucible fights hand-to-hand, wearing special gloves able to heat up to extreme temperatures, instantly igniting or melting anything they touch.
Red Martyr doesn’t talk much. Her silence has led many adherents to believe she is a human trafficking rescuer who died many years ago in a plane crash. Absolutely no evidence supports this theory; in fact Red Martyr seems too young to possibly be the same person. It is true though that she is hard to kill; if fatally injured she will eventually heal and resurrect. But the upper limit of her regenerative powers are unknown, and she tends to retreat when encountering a new, potentially deadly situation.
Some of the heroes targeted by the Suppressors are banding together to somehow stop these nefarious villains. But the more they fight, the more they find that the Grand Suppressor is not the leader they think he is, and the true leader has even deeper plans… the elimination of all magic save their own, making them the most powerful mystic in the world!

I DO NOT GIVE OUT PASSWORDS! I USE 2FA & YOU SHOULD TOO! ALWAYS BE WEARY OF PEOPLE PHISHING FOR YOUR PASSWORD OR CLAIMING YOU ARE BANNED!
PAYMENT: Zelle (strongly preferred), Venmo, CashApp, or Paypal FF. High value orders and new to the sub Zelle only.
SHIPPING: USPS $6 less than 10oz. $10 over 10oz. $100 insurance and tracking included. Free shipping on orders over $500. Additional insurance over $100 is optional at buyers liability. Additional insurance $0.80/$100 coverage. I can ship other methods at buyers' request.
AUTHENTICITY: All of these items have been verified for authenticity using acid tests or a sigma. I offer a full money back guarantee on the authenticity of all items listed. I am happy to send a video of an acid / magnet test if requested.
If you need more pictures or info don’t hesitate to ask.
ORDERS SHIP THE FOLLOWING BUSINESS DAY!
PROOF: https://i.imgur.com/L3dDIAR.jpg
All Prices rounded up to the nearest $0.25
Coins:
Mexican Gold 2 Peso 1945 Restrike (2x) - $133ea
Gold Jewelry (ALL 5% BELOW SPOT):
14K Gold 18.5" 3mm Omega Chain / Necklace 22.514g Signed 14K Italy & MI - $968.55 https://imgur.com/a/KA3iKzo
14K Yellow & White Gold Two-Tone Ring Size 6-3/4 Signed 14K Makers Mark 5.267g - $226.50
https://imgur.com/a/1APzy8K
10K Harley Davidson Heart Pendant 3.75mm x 1.5mm bail 1.682g - $51.75 https://imgur.com/a/Qr9uNdV
10K White Gold Fuchsia CZ Heart Necklace and Earrings Set with 18” Rope Chain Signed 10K 4.39g - $135
https://imgur.com/a/6K5i5E7
40g of 14K scrap @ 95% spot - $43.02/gram (Abunch of cheap Walmart Jewelry & a broken necklace)
5.4g of 10K scrap @ 95% spot - $30.72/gram (Abunch of cheap Walmart Necklaces)
Sterling Silver Necklaces:
20” x ½” HEAVY Figaro Chain 238g - $425
https://imgur.com/a/Y5zO5TV
30” x 6.5mm Italian Curb Chain - 54.47g - $109
https://imgur.com/a/ChMAGwi
16” Italian San Marco Chain with 7” San Marco Bracelet 62.3g - $115
https://imgur.com/a/9IS5uhF
31” Puff Heart Necklace with Italy Rope Chain 15.4g - $35
https://imgur.com/a/LXEXGG5
30.5” Box Chain with Owl Pendant / Brooch (has attachments for both) 11.63g - $33
https://imgur.com/a/pTaT52q
18” Italian Byzantine Chain / Necklace 12.21g - $27.50 (Sold)
19” Italian Square Herringbone Style Sterling Chain with Czech Pendant - 6.28g - $20
https://imgur.com/a/ANY2KWM
18” Italian Sterling Box Chain with Ross Simon Cross Pendant 2.61g - $20
https://imgur.com/a/L8DjEYl
20” Italian Gold Vermeil Fancy Rope Chain 5.34g - $20 (Sold)
17.5” Lotus Studio Aventurine Sterling Necklace 2.11g - $12 (Sold)
16” Sterling Abstract Glass Pendant Necklace 15.96g - $25
https://imgur.com/a/c2X7Ykq
18” 925 Box Chain with Synthetic 14x10mm Sapphire Pendant & Matching Earrings with 10x8mm Sapphires 8.12g - $30
https://imgur.com/a/8WAi9jl
18” 925 Gold Vermeil Box Chain with Pear Cut Ceylon Sapphire Pendant & Matching Triangle CZ Earrings 12.13g - $30
https://imgur.com/a/DbenkRb
20” Italian Millefiori Necklace with Circular Glass Pendant 3.18g - $25
https://imgur.com/a/UxC0pBf
15.5” Italian Millefiori Bead Necklace 3.98g - $20
https://imgur.com/a/OXOxnYk
15.5” Italian Murano Style Necklace (Note the wire is ferrous for strength, clasp and non-stone charms are sterling) - $15
https://imgur.com/a/UoyGHPq
15” Native American Fetish Necklace (Note the wire is elastic material for strength, beads and pendants are sterling) - $30
https://imgur.com/a/4OQKVFr
17” Sterling Bead / Clasp Turquoise Nugget Necklace (Note the wire is ferrous material for strength, beads and clasp are sterling) - $15
https://imgur.com/a/5ikva93
Sterling Silver Bracelets & Pendants: https://imgur.com/a/UZ3M9PR
8.5” x ½” Heavy Curb Bracelet 53.6g - $105
Taxco 7.5” Juan Luis Flores 70s Vintage Bracelet 43.49g - $87
Sterling Flower Filigree Bracelet 8” 10.19g - $30
Sterling Rose & Garnet Tennis Bracelet 7.5” 13.43g - $35
Ross Simon Sterling Rose Quartz Aventurine Tennis Bracelet 7” 9.50g - $30
Sterling Native American Bear Bracelet (Note the wire is ferrous for strength, clasp and non-stone charms are sterling) - $40
Sterling Silver 2-Strand Malachite Bracelet 7” 2.32g - $20
Sterling Clasp Faceted AB Crystal Bracelet with amazing sparkle (Note the wire is ferrous for strength, only clasp is sterling) 7” - $15
Taxco Hummingbird Pendant / Brooch (has both attachments) 11.95g - $24
Sterling Pink CZ Butterfly Bracelet 7.25” 7.5g - $27.50
Sterling Silver Earrings: https://imgur.com/a/rTrTKTE
Larimar Dangle Earrings 1g - $12
Dolphin Jumping through Hoop Drop Earrings 6.86g - $15
Taxco Sterling Half Circle Bohemian Hoop Earrings 9.24g - $20
Taxco Sterling Triangle Drop Earrings 9.43g - $18
Taxco Sterling Shell / Feather Drop Earrings 6.01g - $15
Taxco Sterling Triangle / Bead Drop Earrings 21.79g - $25
Flower Drop Earrings with Aquamarine Stones 9.28g - $25
Teardrop Shaped Earring with Black Beads 5.13g - $15
Concentric Oval Earrings 2.05g - $12
Leaf / White Opal Studs (Brilliant Luster on these) 2.22g - $40
Vintage Filigree Sterling Drop Earrings (Super intricate) 14.33g - $20
Vintage Sterling Dragonfly Earrings 12.39g - $20
Heart Shaped Drop Earrings with Lapis Stones 5.22g - $15
Sterling Silver Rings: https://imgur.com/gallery/65jVHip
Bali Swirl Design Sterling Ring Size 7-1/2 11.06g - $27.50
Large 925 Ring with CZ Size 6 5.97g - $18
Large 925 Ring with CZ and Flower Engraving Size 6 9.28g - $18
925 Ring with Bands of CZ Size 6 5.9g - $18
Wedding Band Style 925 Ring with Moissanite Size 6 2.41g - $18
Shablool Didae Israeli Filigree Style Ring Size 7.5 One-of-a-kind 8g - $25
Sterling Silver Kitchen / Dining (MOST @ 95%): https://imgur.com/a/QW6x0ot
Porter Blanchard Sterling Tea Pot 612g - $543.25 (95% of SPOT)
Gorham Sterling Footed Bowl 619g - $549.50 (95% of SPOT)
Sterling Coasters (2) 86g - $76.50 (95% of SPOT)
Pimaral Peru Sterling Serving Set 311g - $276 (95% of SPOT)
Gorham Sterling Etruscan Spoon & Butter Pick 71g - $63 (95% of SPOT)
International Sterling Joan of Arc 5 Piece Set 204g - $181 (95% of SPOT)
Assorted Sterling Spoons (Unmarked and the smaller two are thin) 44g - $39 (95% of SPOT)
English Shell by Lunt Sterling Silver Soup Spoons (4) 135g - $119.75 (95% of SPOT)
La Touraine by Reed & Barton Sterling Tea Spoon 30.34g - $27 (95% of SPOT)
Lunt Lus60 Sterling Silver Salt Spoon 2.94g - $10
51.15g of Sterling Scrap @ 90% - $43
https://i.imgur.com/nHVssYc.jpg

Long story short, I (34M; see flair for stats) helped my mother with some landscape work today, and had 3 pretty noticeable improvements make themselves apparent to me throughout the day.
First off, when getting ready to head over to my grandpa's house to do the aforementioned yard work, I realized that none of my shorts fit anymore, save for one very old pair. That alone felt pretty good, but I was even more surprised when my belt just hanged loosely around my waist when I buckled it through the shortest hole. After a little clumsy work with a craft knife, I had a newly cut hole, and inch shorter than the last.
Next up, an hour or two into pulling weeds in flower beds, I realized just how much more 'in shape' I am compared to how I was 50lbs heavier. I really only just walk/jog 2 miles on the treadmill most nights, and I'm FAR from actually being in shape, but still... The difference was like night and day. Three hours in, I was still going fine. I was sweating a bit, but not nearly as much as I would've.
Lastly, the heat. We were in the sun for most of the day - I have the sunburn to prove it - and yet I didn't feel all that warm. Maybe that's partly due to lower calorie intake and body temperature, but also having less layers of fat to insulate my body. It actually felt good to be outside, in the sun, moving muscles that haven't seen much use in years. If I had a steady supply of water and some sunscreen, I could've stayed out there all day. When I was 316lbs, I'd sweat through my shirt just from being in the sun.
I had a good talk with my mom, too. It felt good to be helping her, as a son should do. The old me would've made an excuse as to why I couldn't, and then sat on his ass doing nothing. But not the new me! I'm done with that shit.
And it feels pretty good.

That’s all it was. A game.
Something my friends and I used to play during the summer when we had nothing better to do. I never expected that it would get so out of hand.
I never expected it to come back long after recovery.
To anyone reading, please don’t do what I did.
I’m putting this out there to warn people.
On that warm summer evening, we played the role of Pandora.
Except, the monsters we released were far worse than what’s told in stories.
Because stories end.
And this doesn’t.
I still remember the date. July 16, 2013. I was an upcoming senior in high school while the others were getting prepared for their freshman year of college, raving on about their majors, life plans, dorms, you get the point. The summer had been bittersweet as those months would be the last I’d see them for a while. Because of this, Anthony, Lola, Eliza, and I would spend the bulk of our time together going to festivals and various camping trips, trying to make the most out of the summer while we could. On that day, the day I wish I could forget, Eliza had run late to one of our hangouts at my place. This was odd since as an Ivy league student, she was usually early or right on time to these kind of things. Half past three, we heard her knocking on my door rapidly, which was also out of character considering that she was usually the calm one in our group. A bit worried, I hurried down the stairs with Anthony and Lola following close behind, expecting Eliza to be in hysterics due to her frantic behavior. When I opened the door, however, there she was with a bright smile on her face, her red hair getting in the way of her eyes, which were a dark green shade. She pushed her hair out of her face with one hand and held a brown box in the other, and she was bouncing up and down as she usually does when she’s about to talk about something exciting.
“You’ll never believe what I found.” Eliza’s voice could barely hold her impatience as she stepped inside and kicked her shoes off once she crossed over my threshold.
“What’s up with you today?” Anthony questioned, looking more confused than concerned now.
“I’ll show you guys in a minute. Can we go up to your room, Felix?” Eliza looked over at me with her trademark smile, knowing damn well we were all too curious to just leave that box unopened. Without a word, I led the group up to my room and shut the door after everyone had walked in. Anthony took his usual spot on my beanbag and unzipped his hoodie, which had the MSM logo sprawled across the front in big red letters. He adjusted his dark rimmed glasses and took on his usual stoic expression. Lola wore a dark blue FIT shirt, which she revealed more of when she moved her locs over her shoulder as she sat on my desk chair and wheeled over to us. As she did, the various necklaces she wore clinked against each other. Eliza herself was the smartest out of the group, and probably in the whole school as well. She had gotten accepted into multiple prestigious schools, but ultimately settled for Harvard to pursue a degree in some obscure philanthropic career. Unlike Anthony and Lola, Eliza wore her regular outfit –usually a white tank top and jeans– and sat on my bed with the box in her lap. I took a seat next to her to get a closer look.
“So what’d you find?” The others moved closer.
“Something we probably haven’t thought about for a really long time. Do you guys remember that one game we used to play in middle school? The one we made after Felix joined our class?” Eliza looked at our puzzled faces to see if we had connected the dots, but her clue didn’t seem to strike any of us with familiarity.
“After Felix joined? Didn’t we just hang out or something that weekend?” Anthony questioned.
“We did, but there was something else,” Eliza raised an eyebrow, “you guys seriously don’t remember?”
At that moment, I saw Lola’s eyes light up and a thin smile grew on her lips, something she always did whenever she was able to figure something out.
“You mean that little map game we played? Where we would go out to the woods and explore?”
Both Anthony and I seemed to have remembered as well with the mention of a ‘map game.’ I chimed in, “ yeah I remember! Every once in a while when we were all bored, we’d pick a random spot on a map to go to and explore there for a bit, right? When did we stop doing that anyways? I remember really enjoying it.”
“Well life happens,” Eliza responded to me, “but I was thinking of things to do for the rest of the summer when I suddenly remembered that game! That’s why I was so late for our meetup today, I was looking through my attic for this.” Eliza shook the box slightly and a couple things clattered around inside.
“There’s no way.” Anthony sounded like he was in disbelief.
“You mean…?” Lola sat forward in the chair. Eliza smirked, her adventurous nature creeping out as realization swept over us like a wave.
“Mhm! I found the map we used to use as well as the things we collected from our little escapades.” With that, Eliza opened the box, revealing a folded piece of paper and various trinkets scattered over the bottom of the capsule. Lola squealed with excitement and immediately snatched the box from Eliza, who simply chuckled and leaned back on the bed.
“No way! Everything’s still in here!” Lola digged through the box and placed whatever objects she found across the blanket. Anthony got up and sat at the foot of my bed, to observe our findings more closely. There was a piece of some clay pottery, some rusty springs and scraps of metal, an old digital camera, and some other random stuff I can’t recall to memory right now. Anthony picked up a spring and turned it in his palm.
“Shit man, this is from that abandoned junkyard we found in 8th grade…that feels like such a long time ago now.”
I examined the piece of pottery with Eliza looking over my shoulder. Lola picked up the digital camera.
“Do you remember where this came from?” I turned to Eliza and held up my discovery.
“No clue,” she shrugged. It must have been a while ago if even she didn’t remember. I turned the piece over and grew curious when I saw weird symbols inscribed on the inside of it. I squinted a bit, trying to discern some sort of pattern within the scribbles.
I turned to Eliza again, “hey, what do you think-”
“OH MY GOD GUYS IT STILL WORKS!” Lola’s voice went up a whole octave as she motioned to us.
The rest of us looked up as she turned the camera to face us. There were various photos we went through. All of us at lakes, museums, exploring the woods; everything we did from 7th grade until my freshman year seemed to be documented. The last photo was arguable the best and msot bittersweet. It was a picture of the whole group from a while ago. We were sitting at Eliza’s dinner table with a giant chocolate cake on the middle of it adorned with two candles shaped like the numbers one and five. Eliza was talking to me in the photo. Her hair was even more red at the time and she wore it in a braid. I looked about the same in the photo as I did then, with light brown hair, blue eyes, and freckles scattered all over my body and face. I was smiling sheepishly at Eliza. I now knew why Anthony said it was obvious I had a crush on her in 8th grade. Lola went through the most changes out of all of us. At the time in the photo, she had her hair straightened and side-swept, with a bright pink streak in her bangs. She wore clunky jewlery and a frilly skirt underneath a long tank top, leaning over the table to cut another slice of cake. All of us had birthday hats on except for Anthony, who kept his sitting on the table. He held up a peace sign staring straight into the camera with a stoic expression. He looked like a statue compared to the rest of us, who were laughing and smiling. You could tell he was having fun, though.
“Well don’t you look like a ray of sunshine,” Lola snickered as Anthony shot her a dirty look.
“At least I didn’t go through some weird scene phase in freshman year,” He smiled and watched Lola’s face, knowing she was blushing despite her dark skin which made it practically invisible. I let a laugh slip out, but quickly stifled it knowing that if I kept going it would mean death. Lola side-eyed me and continued, “I was using my creative liberty to experiment with my options as an artist,” she said with an overly-posh accent that made Eliza laugh.
“Yeah Anthony, don’t be such a downer,” Eliza teased. Anthony simply rolled his eyes and suppressed a smile to pretend like he was mad at all of us. He looked into the box and picked up the paper we left, unfolding it with a hint of excitement and curiosity. When he looked at it, only two words came out of his mouth.
“Holy shit.”
“What, what is it?” Lola tried to look at the other side of the paper, but Anthony quickly held it out of her view.
“What if I didn’t want to show you?” A smile crept onto his face. This was one of those rare moments where he’d be in the moos to joke around with us.
“Don’t be a dick bro,” I said, laughing as I went to grab for the paper. Anthony just held it up in the air and pushed me off of him and I landed on my floor. While he was distracted, though, Eliza took her chance and snatched the paper right out of his hand.
“You boys need to learn to be nice,” she warned in her jokingly stern voice as she unfolded the paper and spread it out onto my bed. We all leaned over to look.
It was a map of a couple towns including ours. There were around ten small star stickers placed on different areas on the map near the streets the four of us lived in. On the top of the map, a couple words were scrawled in black sharpie; “Pick a Place!” I could see everyone’s faces light up.
“Oh my god it’s our map!” Lola shouted and pointed to one of the stars near her street, “this was where we found that old junkyard right?”
Eliza smiled, “I remember that. It feels like such a long time ago now.” She pointed to another star, “and this is where we found that lake we made a hideout of. I still remember swimming in there in 8th grade…”
The four of us reminisced for a while, talking about where we had gone and what we did there, and how impressive it was that we didn’t get tetanus from that junkyard. After nearly an hour of conversation, Eliza asked something that made all of us stop.
“So how about it guys? Do you want to do one last round before the summer ends?”
The rest of us looked around at each other. It was clear we all wanted to do it. Eliza seemed to catch on and she nodded.
“Who wants to pick where we go?”
“How about you do the honors?” Lola suggested, motioning towards the map. “You’re the one that brought this stuff in anyways.”
Eliza raised her eyebrow but didn’t object. Without a word, she examined the map for a few minutes, then placed her finger on one spot a bit far from my house.
“How about here?”
“You think we can make it that far?” Anthony asked.
“Well, we can drive now so why not?”
“You sure there’s some type of trail we can drive on? That spot looks pretty deep in the woods”
“We can find a path to drive on for a bit then walk the rest of the way. C’mon guys, this is probably our last chance to do something like this! Felix, you can drive right?”
Eliza and the rest turned to me with a hopeful expression. I had to comply.
“Sure. No big deal, right?”
All three of them cheered and high fived each other, looking pretty excited to go on one last adventure.
“So when do we leave?” I questioned.
Eliza flashed that smile again, “right now.”
“Right now?!”
“Hell yeah,” Lola chimed in. “It shouldn’t take that long, right?”
“I guess…” Even then I felt uneasy about the whole thing. I didn’t feel prepared enough to go on some random trip into the woods. I needed to pack food, water, flashlights, I had no idea how long this was going to take. Little did I know that those things would be the least of my worries a couple hours from then. I wish I could go back and convince my 17-year-old self that it wasn’t worth it, that I should just convince my friends to stay and talk for the rest of the day. I wish Eliza had never remembered that stupid game. In a way, I’m almost mad at her for what happened, but I know it wasn’t anyones fault. We just wanted to have fun. I wish we could’ve just had fun. But God had a different plan for us. One that made me think Satan himself devised it instead. On July 16, 2013, Anthony He, Lola Smith, Eliza Landserson, and Felix Johanson went on an adventure that none of them were ready for.
Author's Note:
If you just read all of that then thank you so so so much for doing so! I'm a rookie writer, so feel free to comment any constructive criticism you might have if you have actual writing experience! This is the first silly little story I'm posting here, so I hope you enjoyed :)

Ha! Of course! Jackpot!
Luck shines upon me, indeed! Oh yes!
For nothing beats Spring!!

UMA Spring is fourth of the seasons the Union faced, who spread his domain in Tokyo.

• Character profile

Core

• Made cherry trees bloom
  • It's possible these weren't originally cherry trees and he turned them into ones
• Lugs around a chest much bigger than it

Phase 2

Physicals

• When Billy uses Unbalance on Tokyo Tower, turning it into a rubber band that would have flung Andy and Fuuko halfway across Japan, Spring remained at the top of the tower without losing his grip
• Defeated Isshin Tesshu I in a fight while brainwashed
• Placed the boulder marking Isshin Tesshu's grave

Elemental Control

• Can turn people into cherry trees if they touch the petals from other trees
  • This is pretty much instant
• Alternatively, people also turn into cherry trees if they spend thirty minutes inside Spring's range
  • This starts even if Spring does not wish it so
• Once Fuuko reaches his vantage point, he takes all the energy from the cherry trees below and collects it into one giant megaflora
  • This blocks out the Union satellite's attacks
• After his death, all that became cherry trees are reverted to what they were before

Phase 2: Kabuki Form

Physicals

• Punches a crater in the ground for the beyblade Negate Tops arena
  • This hole refills once the game is completed
• Stomps hard enough that Isshin and Fuuko fly up from the force
• Would have killed Fuuko with a direct hit if not for an Unbreakable pauldron
• Struck by lightning
  • A second time and third time
• A tree topples onto him, a rock falls on his head, and his box of games blows into his face
• Rips open his chest to expose his core

Elemental Control

• A storm is summoned, with lightning bolts that instantly superheat and kill trees
• Directs wind at Fuuko to slam her into a trunk
• A "natural" lightning strike shocks Isshin and Andy

Other

• Any attacks attempting to interfere with his game are negated and the issuer of said attack is transformed into cherry wood
• Fights against the brainwashing God does on him

Phase 3

Physicals

• Jumps from the top of Tokyo Tower to Tokyo below, crushing the buildings he lands on with a new immense size
• Phase 3 is impervious to all attacks, though if you aren't explicitly trying to attack then it is possible for the attacks to land
• Rip's Blade Runner blade does no damage despite bypassing his imperviousness
• Shen's Nyoi-Kinko staff also fails to do anything
• Unbreakable Tachyoshot drives Rip's blade into Spring's chestplate, which was unable to pierce it by itself
• Cut down the middle when Andy's sword is made unchanging by Billy

Elemental Control

• Where he stomps, nature blooms, replacing what was there before
• Sends a wave of cherry petals to tree-ify a borough of Tokyo untouched so far
• Entering Phase 3 greatly expanded his area of influence
• Controls cherry tree limbs
• Tags Andy with cherry petal projectiles
• Snatches the Nyoi-Kinko and Nico's Psycho Pods with cherry limbs
• Shields himself with castle-sized cherry trees

Artefacts

General

• Has a list of everyone who he's destroyed in artefact games
  • A toll of 100,000 lives are summoned from around the globe to serve as Fuuko's ante
• Possesses a huge box filled with artefacts he's found in Japan
  • These possess enough memories within to cause great pain to Fuuko as she touches them
  • Here are a few of them

Enoh Jusshu #5

• Negate Tops uses Negators as tops to clash in a battle arena, though if they lose the game then they die
  • A top that traps Negators' souls in them with the option to force how they move or let the trapped Negator choose
  • Spring is able to suck Andy from inside an Unchange sphere when he chooses him as his top

The Second Game (No Artefact Name)

• Calls up 13 Negators' souls to act as cards in a game of karuta

Kofusai

• Owns a pair of dice that allows the user to steal away what the target cherishes the most, so long as the user correctly guesses if it rolls odd or even
  • Intercepts a nuke and renders it a dud
  • Artefact details
  • Kills Spring

Warmth and kindness have…
Helped to usher in a change…
In this set of rules…
That I shall cherish with pride.
For I am the spring itself.

In hindsight, I should have known something was wrong with The Caeles Academy of Acting.
Maybe the fact that it doesn't exist to the outside world.
This place prided itself on famous alumni it didn't actually name, and a once in a lifetime opportunity to work with the best in the business.
It's what I wanted.
More than anything.
After enduring four years of high school with barely a semblance of a drama club (we met every month, and our teacher was an alcoholic), and countless failed auditions, I was ready to take my acting career seriously. I had one year.
According to my parents, I had one year to make a living from my passion.
If it didn't work out, I would be on the first plane back to Connecticut.
It's not like they didn't trust me. I think they were just scared I wouldn't be able to financially support myself. So, I got a job right out of high school and slipped a year. Drama schools are expensive, and college’s are cut-throat on who they take on. I found Caeles Academy by accident–or, I guess it found me?
After researching cheap drama classes, auditions, academy’s, literally anything to progress my career, an ad popped up.
Not exactly flashy.
Just a date, a time, and a promise that they only take the best. I ignored it, but throughout the week, I started getting more ads. Just the words, “IMPRESS US - - JOIN CAELES ACADEMY NOW.”
Followed by, “BE WITH THE BEST, AND BE THE BEST. JOIN THE S CLASS NOW.”
When I googled the academy, nothing came up.
It didn't exist, at least on Google.
So, I gave up, clicking on the ad, which sent me straight to an application form.
I filled in my details as more of a joke. But I wasn't expecting to get an email back. Again, it was a time, a date, and that exact same tagline: “Impress us.”
However, Caeles Academy was different from what I imagined.
I was expecting a university building, or at least some modern structure.
Judging from their marketing and ads, I figured they could at least afford decent premises. Though I was mistaken. When I stepped out of the Uber, I found myself staring at what looked like an abandoned office tower, a red-brick monolith in the middle of nowhere.
Which was crazy, because I swore a girl wearing a bikini had strode through the doors, with nothing but her phone, and a coffee tucked under her elbow.
According to the text sent from the academy, the auditioning rooms were on the third floor.
Tipping my head back, the checkerboard of broken windows didn't exactly instil confidence.
Neither did the clunky set of automatic doors that took a while to open.
It was a summer's day, and the heat was already baking through my dress, sweat sticky on the back of my neck.
I wanted to make a good impression, but the heels were a little over the top.
Though I had also seen a girl casually walk in wearing a two piece bikini.
“Well?”
Freddie’s voice made me jump. I forgot I was on the phone to him.
After being excited the whole car-ride, already high on five coffees, I was silent.
If I perceived the ‘academy’ from an objective standpoint, it definitely looked like the perfect place to be brutally murdered. But my own personal opinion was it was.. okay.
“What's it like?”
I pretended not to see a rat scuttling under an old candy wrapper.
“It's… fine.”
“Just fine?”
I could hear the smirk in my friend’s tone. He couldn't wait to tell me it was a scam, and had been reminding me all week I was essentially willingly selling myself to the black market. I was stubborn, so, fine sounded better than my initial first impression.
Which was to turn around, walk away, and completely block the place from my memory.
Unfortunately, at that moment, I valued my pride over my awareness.
“It's… okay.” I said, trying to find positives. I was staring at a looming grey building with shattered windows and a resident rat living near the door.
I had a hard time figuring out how the girl from earlier had just casually strode inside, barefoot too. I glanced down at the ground, immediately regretting it.
Like there weren't bits of chewing gum and grime stuck to the concrete.
“Huh.” Freddie said, his tone creeping into teasing territory. “You're really selling it.”
“It just looks like a building,” I muttered, my gaze glued to the rat, who looked a little too comfortable.
Maybe it was a pet.
I was getting progressively more infuriated the more I stared down this place. Judging from the decades old writing ingrained into the door, it used to be a dentist surgery. “What do you want me to say?” I wasn't even trying to hide the scorn from my voice. “It's a building that looks like an academy.”
“Can you send a picture?” Freddie asked, “Ooh, wait, I'll face-time you.”
“That's, uh, that’s not really necessary–”
I was cut off, suddenly, when a guy threw himself through the automatic doors, palms first. He took two stumbled steps forwards, one back.
Lifting his head, half lidded eyes found the sky, before he dropped to his knees, heaving pinkish liquid.
I could see him trying to hold it in, slamming his hands over his mouth, only for it to splurge through his fingers, showering the ground in greyish pink froth.
Like he'd downed a bottle of Pepto Bismol.
Inching towards him, I realized it was Pepto Bismol.
The stink made my own stomach churn.
“Missy?”
I found my voice. “Uh, can I call you back later?”
Before my friend could answer, I ended the call, slipping my phone in my pocket.
The guy was still heaving, coughing up globules of pink.
“Are you okay?”
The sound of my heels click-clacking on concrete made me cringe. The guy noticed, flinching away. Closer, and I could see his scraggly blonde hair.
He was handsome.
Without the bile spewing down his chin.
Early twenties, wearing a fitted white shirt now covered in streaks of bright pink. Part of me wanted to make a half-hearted joke, but getting even closer, so close I could smell his pepto-breath, I noticed he was trembling, his hands clenched into fists.
When I attempted to awkwardly pat him on the shoulder, he twisted around, so fast my morning coffee slithered its way back up my throat.
His eyes were wide, almost feral, studying me like a wild animal.
I noticed the whites of his pupils were red, like he'd burst a blood vessel.
Theatre kids were intense, though I had never met THIS kind of intense.
“Are you… going in there?” The guy’s voice was a child-like whimper I wasn't expecting.
It looked like he was slowly regaining clarity, staring down at his filthy shirt, his hands stained bright pink.
I nodded, uncertainly, offering him my water. “Yeah. Did you audition?”
He shoved it away, slapping himself in the face. “I… I don't know.”
“You… don’t know?”
Suddenly, it was like something had contorted in his expression, a switch being pulled. I wasn't expecting him to twist around so fast. The guy slowly cocked his head, his lips breaking into a grin. His eyes, however, stayed the same.
“Of course I've auditioned.” He said, with a laugh.
“It was the best experience of my life!" His mouth formed an almost mocking frown.
“Unfortunately, I didn't make the cut. Which is a real shame. I'm sure Caeles would have benefited from my talents.”
What was weird, is that his mouth was moving, but he wasn't even looking at me, frenzied eyes caught in an oblivion I couldn't see.
When he did look at me, his expression crumpled all over again.
Pepto jumped to his feet, brushing himself down.
I couldn't take his over the top smile seriously, when his eyes were screaming, hollowed out caverns silently begging me to listen.
This guy was fucking crazy.
“Wait.” Pepto whispered, when I turned to walk away.
He pulled out his phone, tapping the screen before shoving it in my face.
I HAD SO MUCH FUN AT THE CAELES ACADEMY AUDITIONS :)
When I could only stare at him in confusion, Pepto’s gaze flicked to his phone, swiping bile from his lips.
His eyes went cartoon wide, like he couldn't believe what he himself was typing.
“That… that's not what I was trying to say!” He tried retyping it, but the guy was just writing strings of emoji hearts.
I didn't know what to say. I had dealt with rejection before, but I had never gone this far. Pepto was having a full on mental breakdown, his body shuddering, teeth chattering, blinking eyes and lips parting as if to speak, but choking on his words. When he started clawing out his hair, I took the opportunity to make a quick getaway.
Before I could make it to the doors, though, Pepto jumped in front of me, waving his phone directly in my face.
“Just…” he pointed at the screen. “It won't let me…” Growing frustrated with himself, he let out a wet sounding sob, clawing his fingers through his hair.
“Fuck, it won't let me…it won't let me type! It's not letting me type!”
By now, he had tufts of hair stuck between his fingernails. I don't know why his first reaction was to immediately try ripping his hair out.
A quick glance at my own phone reminded me of my audition that was in five minutes.
Meanwhile, I was dealing with what I was pretty sure was delusion, denial, or a mixture of both.
I was considering pushing past him, when Pepto’s phone screen hit me in the face. Again.
This time, though, there was coherent writing.
“FIND LUKE.”
“Luke?” I said. “Who's that?”
“Luke!” The guy was bouncing on the heels of his feet. “He's my…” Pepto drifted off, his eyes going vacant, as if I could physically see his brain being plucked from his skull. Pepto dropped his phone, and I grabbed it before it could hit the ground. His hands went to his curls, clawing, scratching, until he was drawing blood across his forehead.
“I… I don't know! I can't… I can't remember. Luke. He was my… he was my… I don't know, I can't… I can't–”
I stumbled back when he let out a shriek, scratching at his face.
“Fuck!” He whimpered. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!”
Pepto grabbed my shoulders, shaking me, his fingers digging into my skin.
“I don't know who he is.” He gritted out, pink froth pooling from his lips.
Pepto broke out into a sob. “I don't… I don't know who he is, but you can find him, right? You can… you can find…”
Again, he trailed off mid sentence, his hands going limp around my shoulders.
I managed to side step him, swallowing a cry.
“Yeah, I'll, um, I'll find him for you.”
Pepto backed away, suddenly, stumbling over himself.
His gaze found mine, vacant, like a baby deer.
“Find who?”
I didn't wait around to answer him, pushing through the doors and stepping inside.
The interior was unsurprisingly even worse than the exterior.
The elevator was broken, so I had to run up three flights of stairs.
I expected at least an attempt at an academy, even in the dregs of an old dentist surgery.
What I got, though, was a never ending staircase, obnoxious photos of teeth greeting me on every level.
The third floor was… less clinical.
I strode directly into a waiting room filled with college aged students, either sitting on plastic chairs, or standing around, rehearsing.
The room itself was cosy enough, a navy carpet and a TV playing a random Twitch stream.
Situated in the middle was a desk with a bored looking woman behind it.
Her smile was fake. I could understand her pain. She was stuck in a room with theatre kids all day.
“Sign here.” She prodded a sheet of paper.
I was convinced her voice was AI.
While I was scribbling my details, I took a moment to notice the stark difference from the kids entering the room, to the ones leaving. The kids entering wore wide, confident smiles and were social butterflies, chatting amongst themselves.
The kids leaving reminded me of pod people.
They left the room silent, in an orderly line with dazed smiles on their faces, like they weren't sure where they were.
I watched one guy walk directly into the wall instead of taking a left toward the exit, and a girl straight up just toppled down the stairs.
The kids waiting with me named them rejects.
I wasn't convinced until I glimpsed an empty bottle of Pepto Bismol sitting on the floor by the window.
Thinking back to Pepto, that made a lot of sense.
I was still dazedly staring at the bottle, when my name was called.
Jumping to my feet, I did my best to calm myself down, straightening my ponytail. Pepto had really screwed with my head. I could barely even remember the lines I had been rehearsing for a week straight.
I was muttering my lines to myself, when I stepped through the door.
The door that apparently turned you into a pod-person on the way out.
For a moment, I thought I was blinded by stage lights.
It was so bright.
The glow bathing me was clinical, stabbing into my eyes.
When I blinked, I found myself standing in front of three shadows sitting in front of me.
Their chairs were made of leather, far different from the plastic ones in the waiting room.
So, they did have filthy cash.
I was looking at one man, and two women.
They were… average?
I expected them to be more glitzier, but they were just regular people.
The man was in his late twenties, maybe early thirties, a stiff looking brunette wearing a suit and tie, one leg crossed over the other. His eyes were narrowed slightly, lips curved into the start of a smile. Like I amused him.
The women were polar opposites.
One of them was my Mom’s age, grey hair and floral clothing. She took a sip of water, her gaze burning into me.
Google told me not to be intimidated by their stares, but it was impossible.
These people were carving holes into my skull.
Sitting next to her, a younger girl who seemed to own the color red.
Her hair simmered, blood red, while she herself was sculpted in a dress, perfect cherry lips spread in a wide smile.
With a little too many teeth.
They studied my face like I was already theirs, drinking in every inch of me.
Freddie said I had to find a weakness in their expression and use it to my advantage.
If I could find the prick of a genuine smile, I could become their favorite.
“Hi!” I said. My caffeine intake was starting to take effect.
I didn't realize I was bouncing up and down until I caught myself.
Red’s smile stretched wider.
Maybe they liked my eagerness.
“My name is Misa.” I introduced myself, staying casual, keeping my arms by my sides. “I'm twenty one years old–”
I choked on my next words when Red spoke up. “Impress us, Misa,” Her voice was a smooth, almost seductive rasp, and I felt myself fall into it, enveloped in sugar that was too sweet, and yet I couldn't stop myself. She folded her arms across her chest, her gaze challenging me to do something different. To make her want me.
“Show us something we have never seen before.” She stood up, cat-like eyes narrowing, “Show us how desperate you are to join this prestigious class.”
I nodded, and began.
I had planned a whole monologue, practised it over and over again, forcing Freddie to judge me with a none biassed opinion.
I was three lines in, when Red started laughing.
“Stop.”
I did, my cheeks heating up.
She clapped loudly. Obnoxiously.
“Sweetie, oh, stop, you're adorable!”
She leaned forward, like I was something that entertained her, jostling her heeled foot. “We don't take amateurs. I think you need to go back to school.”
This woman was definitely a psychopath.
Empty eyes sparkling with a gleam that definitely enjoyed humiliating candidates, and a twisted smile that was a little too wide. Red made me want to crawl into the ground.
She made me want to turn around, leave the room, and quit my dream. I was aware of my own fury, my embarrassment turning my cheeks crimson. I matched her.
Maybe that's what she wanted all along. To wear the color of her victims.
Taking a shaky step back, I started to nod, started to agree, my mouth choking with the words, “You're right. I'm sorry for wasting your time."
I had never received proper constructive criticism from a professional standpoint.
Which meant I really did suck.
But I didn't move. I didn't want to move, and Red continued laughing, her companions sitting in silence.
The man rolled his eyes with a loud, exaggerated sigh.
Like I was boring.
The older woman pulled out her phone.
“Misa, you are…cute.” Red said. “But you're not quite what we are looking for.”
I wasn't sure I could admit it right there, but she made me feel things.
Like I was ignited.
Like I was going to prove this crazy bitch wrong.
I found my voice, strong and confident, despite my hammering heart.
“Give me another chance.”
Red’s lips curled. “So cute, Misa. Oh, sugar bear, It would be better if you left the room. Unless you want to embarrass yourself further! In that case, be my guest!”
She turned her attention to her nails, nudging the guy.
“Dinner?” She hummed. “I'm thinking of Italian. You are quite the wine connoisseur, Nicholas. Why don't you introduce me to your favorite?”
“Hey.” I blurted.
They ignored me, getting a little too close.
I don't know why I continued, reading my lines, screaming them, so I would be heard. I read them perfectly, and tweaked the genre from drama to romance, and then to horror. I became three different characters, a high school girl struggling with cancer, a final girl, and a woman going through a divorce.
I was fucking perfect.
But they weren't listening to me, caught up in their own conversation.
I tried again.
And again.
And again.
By now, I was on my knees, my fingers ripping into my hair. I was seeing red.
“We want originality, Misa,” Red said, sucking her teeth.
Her voice crawling into my skull was enough.
She still wanted me.
The thought polluted the back of my mind, taking a strangling hold. She still wanted me. When I lifted my head, Red wasn't looking at me, her gaze on the table grains. “Show us something new.”
I got to my feet, panting, my breath in my throat.
I became a screaming, strangled mess, a woman who lost her baby.
Red’s interest was piqued. Only slightly. Through my fraying vision, she slowly turned in her chair. “Again.” She clapped her hands, “Come on, Misa! We want new! We want never been fucking done before! Are you deaf?”
I couldn't stop the sobs escaping my mouth.
They lost interest again, right in the middle of my reading.
“Why can't you look at me?” I found myself spluttering.
When the man pulled out a bottle of water, I yanked off my heel and lobbed it at his face.
“Look at me!”
He did. Slowly. His gaze found me, for perhaps the first time.
Not as an amateur, but as a potential candidate.
Around the twentieth attempt, I started to laugh. Never been done before? I could feel my fingernails already in my scalp, clawing chunks of my hair out.
Reality contorted, and I felt myself drop to my knees. I was still laughing, spluttering, sobbing. I could still hear her in my head. Never Been Done Before. I started slowly, dragging my fingernails down my face until I felt the harsh sting.
“Again.” Red said, and her voice led me to stare down at my hands, at pinkish flesh glued to my bones, fleshy mounds that I had never realized was so thin.
So easy to tear. I didn't even feel it.
Only the sudden, unbridled euphoria of biting into my own skin, locking in my jaw, and ripping into myself.
When I tore it from the bone, warmth filled my mouth, and I was choking, guzzling down my own flesh, mulling it in my mouth and swallowing.
I can't remember how I got so deep, and why I didn't stop.
Why I didn't fucking scream.
But it didn't matter.
Red was standing up. She was clapping, her lips spread into a grin.
Her applause filled me with stars.
So, I ripped my hair from my scalp, a hysterical giggle escaping my lips.
She loved me.
I could see her jumping up and down, clapping.
Louder, and louder.
Her applause controlled me, twisting and contorting me into hers.
I didn't even think. I wanted to impress her, and doing this was doing just that.
My fingers were delving into my right eye socket, clawing my eye out. It didn't even hurt. Not with her thundering applause that was deafening, beautiful, an orchestra in my ears.
When I was semi conscious, my eye was crushed in my hand, but my vision was still mine, almost too clear. I could see streaks of red blurred between my lashes. My hair was caught between my fingers. But I wanted to do more.
When I stumbled to my feet, Red’s smile was so beautiful.
The man, however, looked horrified.
“Someone grab one of the successes,” Red’s voice was a shrill giggle, “Bring him in!” she clapped her hands together, and I spat out a fleshy thing. “I want to see them together! I want to see the future in front of us!”
Footsteps coming towards me in slow, shuddery thumps. I looked up, and a shadow was dancing around me.
When I slowly rose to my feet, I half realized I’d bitten my toe off. The shadow had a face, a boy who was younger than me. I think he used to have hair, but half of it was gone, half of it was still stuck between his fists. When I found his eyes, I found twin caverns instead.
Eyes that were still physically there, and yet there was no life.
No spark.
I was staring at a dead body, a flesh puppet who had lost his strings.
When he grabbed my hands, pulling me into a waltz, I caught a smear of scarlet trickling down the back of his neck. When I followed it upwards, his head was covered, slick, dripping with red.
Like me, he matched her too.
And he was beautiful, she told me, her push, her thunderous applause, guiding me into a waltz.
His feet moved, perfecting every step, and my foggy mind couldn't understand why. He matched my every move, the two of us floating across the floor.
My feet knew the steps before my mind.
How could he dance? I thought, dizzily.
How could he dance, when smeared scarlet followed his twisting, and turning and pirouetting feet?
Because underneath that swimming clinical light, the back of the boy’s head had been carved away, a perfectly sculpted cavern where his brain should have been. I could see the severed stem, where it had cleanly plucked out.
His fingers cradled in mine were wet. Swimming in blood.
His own blood.
Spinning round and around, I imagined myself as a princess.
I saw an 18th century ballroom lit up around us. Glittering smiles and glasses of champagne, long, flowing ball gowns.
I blinked, and my head was tipped back, gliding in blood once again.
When he pulled me to his chest, I stumbled, and a name came to light.
Luke.
I had found him.
Our finishing spin left me hard to breathe.
My body was broken, ripped into, and yet somehow not.
By the time we were finished, the two of us bowing, my mind was full of fog.
Cotton candy.
“Congratulations!” Red’s smile was inhuman, stretching right off of her face.
“You're in the S class!”
I was led through a door that wasn't the one I entered from. Inside the room were a dozen or so students, kneeling on the floor. They were missing parts of themselves, like unfinished puzzle pieces.
I dropped onto my knees next to a girl without a head. I could only see her torso, but I knew she was smiling.
Looming over us, was the goddess Athena drenched in blood that was still wet.
Dripping, pooling from every crevice of her dress.
Looking closer, this statue was moving.
Something sickly crept into my mouth.
Her right eye was human, a twitching eyeball sandwiched inside the stone.
It didn't match her. It was wrong, horrifying, like a painting, a real human eye struggling to focus on us.
And then, my own gaze found the statues head, where a real human brain had been forced inside perfect white, pink, greyish mush dripping down the sculpted, slender neck.
I could see where it had been pushed, pulverised through the stone.
The statue’s singular eye found me.
Its dancing pupil jumped up and down.
Before it blinked.
Next to me, Luke was on his knees, as if in prayer.
I can't remember leaving the room.
I just remember running.
Back down the stairs, stumbling, staggering over myself.
I was screaming by the time I reached the doors.
They opened, as usual.
But I couldn't get through. I tried, but I was slamming into something I couldn't see.
Pepto was still waiting outside. The sky was dark.
When he saw me, he stumbled over, slamming his hands into the glass.
I couldn't even understand myself. I was just fucking screaming.
Pepto held up his phone.
“DID YOU FIND HIM?”
I shook my head.
“No.” I lied.
I can't tell him the truth. I don't even know what it is.
“I can't get out!”
Pepto nodded slowly, typing something and showing me his phone.
I'm getting you both out of there. I think I know how I can get inside.
It's been 3 days, and Pepto is yet to return.
I’ve tried multiple times to cry out for the H word. But it won't let me type it.
Please H me. I need to get out of this place.
Fuck. Get me OUT OF HERE.
Classes start tomorrow.

TLDR; I conducted a lot of tests based on community feedback after my first batch of test results (and recommendations) were perceived as controversial. I ran additional simulations and used chi square analysis to see if any equipment stood out.

• The polearm was observed to be the best except in very niche circumstances, where it still does well in general
• Assassin's Rags appears to be the best general armor in the game for melee
• Heavy Armor consistently loses to White Plate & Assassin's Rags
• In field battles you're probably better off not using ranged weapons at all
• For top tier characters KLR limbs remove the need to prioritize a shirt with high coverage; reducing damage to the chest & stomach may be more important even if limbs are less unprotected
• Crossbows don't appear to do very well in field battles

Introduction
Assertions about the best equipment in Kenshi are innumerable, but few of them are driven by data. A previous post based on repeated combat simulations and statistical analysis indicated that the Polearm outperformed other community favorites, sometimes by a remarkable margin.
Additionally, the recommendation to use crab armor was challenged and members pointed that other armor types not included in that round of tests would do better.
Other criticism of that group of tests included:

• The tests were only done with level 100 characters which doesn't reflect practical squad composition for normal players
• Very few enemies in Kenshi actually use heavy armor, let alone masterwork armor and it would make more sense to do weapon tests against more representative armor sets
• White Plate and Assassin's rags weren't considered and believed to outperform heavy armor
• The Shek were deemed the most effective race, but it wasn't clear if this was due to a bug in Forgotten Construction Construction set
• Sabres weren't considered at all, in particular for indoor combat
• Robotic limbs were not tested when determining the recommended equipment loadout or how that would affect how a character should be armored

These points were explored in additional testing. Also considered was how squads that were partially composed of crossbows and melee troops performed against pure melee squads.
Materials and Methods
The Forgotten Construction Set (FCS) is the defacto modding tool for Kenshi. Two squads were created and made to compete against each other many times to see if they differed in any significant way. Squads competed until all the members of one squad were knocked out, at which point the winner and loser were recorded. Fischer's Exact Test was then used to see if the results were significant.
Squads
Squads were composed entirely of Greenlander humans (except when explicitly testing other races). The rational for this was Greenlanders have no combat buffs or debuffs and that this would avoid potentially problematic discrepancies in stats that could be attributed to either a defect in FCS or stats so high that they would be utterly impractical to attain.
The stats of each member of the squad were identical in all simulations, with tests being done on squads all at either level 100 or level 50 depending on the test.
When robotic limbs were being considered all members had masterwork KLR arms and legs.
One squad was created as a starter squad which placed all members directly under the players control. The other squad was created in a modded town on the unamed island named "Chi Town", which was composed of a single building. In each new game, the squad in Chi Town would spawn in its building and begin patrolling the area.
Chi Town was set as a hostile faction to the player controlled squad. On a new game the player controlled squad would spawn in Chi Town adjacent to the hostile squad. Despite having hostile faction relations, Chi Town never initiated combat against the player controlled squad, allowing the player squad to have its members positioned in a variety of ways to ensure an even match up. Combat was then initiated by the player after setup.
Squad Size
To avoid a known problem with the AI in which knocked out members would revive mid combat and begin patrolling the town rather than continue fighting, the squad size was limited to 5 on each side for melee tests.
A squad size of 10 was used for each size when crossbows were being tested.
Initiating Combat
Squads were either loaded by a new game or quick load. After this members of the player controlled squad were positioned in such a way that when combat was initiated all opposing squad members would participate in combat at about the same time.
During combat soldiers were knocked unconscious, but frequently regained consciousness mid combat and rejoined the fight. Combat continued until all members of one squad were knocked unconscious.
When testing indoor combat the members of the opposing squad were spawned in a stationhouse. The player controlled squad then entered the building and initiated combat. If at any time battle caused a member to navigate outside the building the test was discarded and a new iteration conducted.
When testing combined arms a purely melee group was compared against a squad with both crossbows and melee members. The purely melee squad was positioned at maximum distance before initiating attack. This enabled the opposing crossbows to fire off multiple volleys in an attempt to give them maximum utility.
Each squad had 10 members. In the case of the combined arms group 5 had melee weapons and 5 had crossbows.
The crossbows used in the experiments were the Eagle's Cross and Junkbow. The rational for this is that the Eagle's Cross has a very high Damage Per Second when used by a level 100 user. However the humble Junkbow was also considered as some assert that it is superior, despite it's comparably weak damage.
When a player is hit by a crossbow bolt they stagger regardless of the amount of damage. Some postulate that the faster rate of fire with the Junkbow causes opponents to stagger enough that a comparatively smaller group of melee fighters can land more attacks. In other words the expectation is that the weak Junkbow would cause victory by stun-locking opponents.
Regular Soldier Testing
When testing combatants at level 50 mid level quality was used for weapons and armor (Catun No. 3). Additionally the armor set used was the standard kit used by Holy Nation Paladins.
It was speculated that more common, representative armor like this might yield different results for weapon testing. In particular, the abysmal performance of the falling sun in previous testing was attributed to it being used against very heavy armor which would prevent it from severing limbs.
Given that Kenshi's combat mechanics focus more on disabling an opponent, the ability to cause amputation may be more important than being able to do more damage. The Holy Nation kit was arbitrarily selected among the 3 major factions, but deemed suitable because the coverage of the Holy Chest plate is low enough to allow for testing amputation while still being high enough to represent what a player would likely encounter during a base raid.
Fischer's Exact Test
Chi-Squared analysis was done using an online calculator located here using a simple 2x2 contingency table. For all tests the default parameters of a two sided tail, 1:1 odds and a 95% confidence interval were used.
Version
Tests were performed on Kenshi 1.0.68

Animal Care Compliance

No bonedogs were harmed over the course of this research.

Data

Elite Soldier Tests
The following equipment was used in each test unless explicitly stated otherwise:

Factor Type	Factor Used
Helmet	Crab Helmet
Pants	Samurai Legplates
Shirt	Dark Leather Shirt
Footwear	Wooden Sandals
Robotic Limbs	Masterwork KLR arms & legs
Weapon	Polearm
Level	100
Race	Greenlander

Test	Group 1 Loadout	Group 2 Loadout	Group 1 Win:Loss Ratio
Crab Armor - Dark Leather shirt vs Chainmail	Dark Leather Shirt	Blackened Chainmail	24:6
Crab Armor vs Samurai Plate w/ Polearms	Crab	Samurai	9:21
Crab Armor vs Samurai Plate w/ Nodachi	Crab + Nodachi	Samurai + Nodachi	3:13
Crab vs White Plate Jacket	Crab	White Plate Jacket	0:30
Crab vs White Plate w/ Nodachi	Crab + Nodachi	White Plate + Nodachi	9:21
Crab vs Assassin's rags	Crab + Blackened Chainmail	Assassin's Rags + Dark Leather Shirt	3:27
White Plate Jacket vs Assassin's rags	White Plate	Assassin's Rags	7:23
White Plate Jacket vs Samurai	White Plate	Samurai	27:3
White Plate Jacket shirtless vs shirt	White Plate [no shirt]	White Plate [Dark Leather Shirt]	14:16
White Plate Armor, Skeleton vs Human	White Plate Skeleton	White Plate Human	25:5

Combined Arms Tests
The following equipment was used in each test unless explicitly stated otherwise:

Factor Type	Factor Used
Helmet	Crab Helmet
Pants	Samurai Legplates
Armor	Assassin's Rags
Shirt	Dark Leather Shirt
Footwear	Wooden Sandals
Robotic Limbs	Masterwork KLR arms & legs
Weapon	Polearm
Level	100
Race	Greenlander

Crossbows used a longsword as a sidearm in all cases.

Test	Group 1 Loadout	Group 2 Loadout	Group 1 Win:Loss Ratio
Polearms vs Polearms + Eagle's Cross	Polearms	Polearm + Eagle's Cross	17:3
Polearms vs Polearms + Junkbow	Polearms	Polearm + Junkbow	20:0

Regular Soldier (L50) Tests
The following equipment was used in each test unless explicitly stated otherwise:

Factor Type	Factor Used
Helmet	Bucket Zukin
Pants	Stout Hessian Uniform
Armor	Holy Chest Plate
Shirt	Cloth Shirt
Footwear	Plated Longboots
Robotic Limbs	None
Weapon	Polearm
Level	50
Race	Greenlander

Test	Group 1 Loadout	Group 2 Loadout	Group 1 Win:Loss Ratio
Polearm vs Falling Sun	Polearms	Falling Sun	26:4
Indoors 5v5- Polearm vs Desert Sabers	Polearms	Desert Sabers	13:17
Indoors 1v1- Polearm vs Desert Sabers	Polearm	Desert Saber	10:20

Results

All heavy armor tested lost substantially to both White Plate & Assassin's Rags. The polearm continued to outperform the falling sun. Desert Sabres either matched the Polearm in performance or outperformed it when micromanaging.
Additionally, the dark leather shirt outperformed blackened chainmail. This bolsters claims that when robotic limbs are used that limb coverage is less important than total damage reduced to the torso and stomach.
The Assassin's Rags were undefeated in any category. It seems that the stat malus of heavy armor is indeed quite significant and likely responsible for consistent losses. But even when put against medium White Plate armor which has very little stat malus the Assassin's Rags continue to dominate; this is likely due to the bonuses to dexterity, combat speed and melee attack that they provide.
When pitted against identically sized squads, combined arm crossbows squads were utterly defeated by monolithic squads armed with Polearms.
Level 100 Tests

Test	P-Value	Statistically Significant?	Better Equipment
Crab Armor - Dark Leather shirt vs Chainmail	0.0000114	Yes	Dark Leather Shirt

Level 50 Tests

Test	P-Value	Statistically Significant?	Better Equipment
Polearm vs Falling Sun	< 0.0001	Yes	Polearm
Indoors- 5v5 Polearm vs Desert Sabres	0.4389	No	Neither
Indoors- 1v1 Polearm vs Desert Sabres	0.0194	Yes	Desert Sabre

Combined Arms Tests

Test	P-Value	Statistically Significant?	Better Equipment
Polearms vs Polearms + Eagle's Cross	< 0.0001	Yes	Pure Polearm Squad
Polearms vs Polearms + Junkbow	N/A	Yes	Pure Polearm Squad

Discussion

Kenshi has a wide variety of equipment and a great deal of complex calculations behind it. Despite that, there exist god-tier equipment that appears to provide little choice or strategy for a player looking to outfit a squad to be competitive.
Using robotic limbs changed the ideal composition for armor. Previous testing with crab armor indicated that Blackened Chain Mail had an edge over the Leather Turtleneck. This was attributed to crab armor only providing 90% coverage which meant that stronger protection for the arms could change the tide of lengthy battles; A disabled arm was an extreme liability.
However the massive HP boost provided by KLR arms seems to be significant enough that additional coverage at the cost of dexterity penalties is a bigger hindrance than help. After HP becomes substantially greater than the heath of the stomach or torso it makes more sense to forgo that protection if it means you can hit faster.
Players are unlikely in the early game to outfit their squad with masterwork KLR arms. During this phase one could speculate over whether to use chainmail or a leather turtleneck over the dark leather shirt. Previous testing indicated that chainmail was better for crab armor users fighting other crab armor users with leather turtlenecks, but that experimentation never considered light or medium armor which was shown here to be more effective regardless.
This challenges the wisdom of using chain armor at all. The use of a shirt can be forgone entirely if the player chooses to use White Plate Jackets. This armor provides 100% coverage for the torso, stomach and arms making a shirt redundant. Given White Plate Jackets outperformed Crab and Samurai armor and is more accessible and affordable it is difficult to justify the decision to use heavy armor at all, let alone chainmail in combination with it. This refutes the conclusion to use Crab armor in previous testing.
Given the outsized impact Assassin's Rags had (presumably due to the status boons) it is probably inadvisable to use chainmail and its debuffs alongside it. The Assassin's Rags provide relatively poor coverage, so a shirt of some kind is likely useful. What the ideal shirt for an Assassin's Rags user without KLR arms would be is unanswered in this study.
The Assassin's Rags provided adequate protection when dealing with ranged opponents. One plausible weakness would be the scant protection they provide against harpoons, which was not tested. Even if they are unparalleled in melee further research should be done to see if a single shot from a harpoon could kill a character using them. If that turns out to be the case then White Plate Jackets would apparently be preferable to any heavy armor.
White Plate Jackets outperformed both Crab and Samurai armor when using Nodachis which deal purely cut damage and have a penalty against armor. This is perplexing because heavy armor appears to have been intended to be the best choice for mitigating cut damage, but the stat malus associated with it causes light armor to be a better choice (at least against the weapons tested in this study).
The Falling Sun continued to yield mediocre results compared to the Polearm. Oddly, the Falling Sun was noticed to cause amputation semi-regularly in the tests against Polearms. Despite this knocking out the Polearm user, the remaining Polearms managed to win most fights anyway and bandage their crippled comrade post victory. While limb loss after battle is fairly devastating, this has limited utility from the players perspective; there isn't a strong need to amputate an enemies limbs because it doesn't matter how you disable your opponent as long as they are disabled. It probably makes more sense to just use the Polearm because it wins way more often.
The Polearm appears unbeatable with very few exceptions. Previous testing indicated the only weapon observed to outperform the Polearm was the Paladin's Cross and that was contingent on using it against skeletons. This research indicates that the Desert Sabre can be more effective than the Polearm indoors, but only if the Sabre user is not subject to the Polearms area of effect damage; i.e., the Sabre has to fight the Polearm one on one which requires micromanagement.
A particular surprise was how the Polearm performed by level 50 users indoors against Desert Sabre users in squads. Here Polearms have a very strong malus and the Sabers have a strong boon. Despite this there wasn't a statistically significant difference between them.
The Polearm did lose against Sabres frequently when forced to fight one on one indoors. From the players perspective this means that defending indoors with Sabres is a viable strategy early to mid game, although attacking grouped NPC Sabres indoors with Polearms is also surprisingly viable.
Enemies that use polearms are typically the most high level squads in the game (e.g., the skeletal legion and southern hive). But these late game squads almost exclusively use polearms themselves. This means a player's late game Polearm squad would not have any disadvantage indoors as both squads would have the same penalty. Furthermore, by the time a player is encountering late game squads like this they've likely leveled up enough to avoid the need to micromanage regardless.
Whether such a niche use case justifies sinking experience into building up the Sabre skill when they could be leveling up the Polearm is a matter for players to decide. It's difficult to pronounce Sabre's categorically superior, particularly when they appear to break even with Polearms when forced to fight in groups indoors.
Crossbows/Polearm hybrid squads turned out to be unviable against pure Polearm squads. Every crossbow simulation ended with unfavorable results when the competing squad invested in a Polearm instead. Crossbows probably would perform better during sieges where they had a benefit of a wall, but a turret would likely be a better option at that point. The Junkbows ability to stunlock evenly sized forces was insufficient. This strategy is probably only viable when many weak characters are fighting a single strong character, assuming it works at all.
The lack of some rock-paper-scissors mechanics in Kenshi limits how the player can think strategically about squad composition. Modding could plausibly create more interesting, balanced relationships between equipment. For example, increasing the damage of weapons like Katanas while simultaneously increasing the penalty against heavy armor could make them a viable alternative to Polearms in many common situations.
The interplay of armor penetration and raw damage could create a better defined role for light, medium and heavy builds. Additionally, crossbows might be enhanced to have a viable role in the field as they do not appear to excel there or behind allied walls where they could use a turret instead.
Overall if a players goal is to outfit a squad for the highest combat potential, the data indicates the choice is mostly linear- outfit the entire squad the same way, preferring Assassin's Rags or White Plate Jackets along with a Polearm or Paladin's Cross (both weapons can be available via a backpack).
As far as choice of character goes, Skeletons were shown to significantly outperform humans despite having no head protection. No comparison was done between the Shek and Skeletons as it currently unsettled whether a Shek can actually achieve a strength of 120 in vanilla Kenshi or if that is a bug in FCS. Regardless, in Vanilla Kenshi it is impractical to obtain very many skeletons at all without modding. The higher health pool of the Shek would likely make them the most accessible, competitive recruits when trying to build a strong military squad. If creating a squad of 30 soldiers it would be unsurprising if the majority of them needed to be Shek.

Hey folks,
We just wanted to address something that we've found coming up more often lately, the posting of barely-Ghost-related selfies. We have been taking these posts down as they crop up, and we will be continuing to do so. It doesn't matter how gorgeous/handsome/breathtaking your picture may be, if it comes across more as self-promotion than it does as fan-ghouling (screw you all, it's an awesome gender-neutral term and I'm sticking with it), then it'll be taken down. Just having a barely-visible Ghost t-shirt on or being dressed vaguely goth-y with white makeup isn't going to cut it.
Now, this isn't open-season on pictures. Cosplay pics, videos of yourselves covering Ghost songs, showing off your sweet new merch, these are all allowed - encouraged, even. We want to celebrate the band, and we want to celebrate our enthusiasm for the band, and I think most of us can agree on that much at least.
Now, back to important business: counting down the days (33!) til Rite Here Rite Now hits theatres.